#683 - TOM SEGURA

Summary

Kill Tony Episode #683 - Tom Segura

Release Date: September 17, 2024
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guest: Tom Segura
Location: Austin, Texas

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Introduction and Welcome

The episode kicks off with hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban warmly welcoming comedian Tom Segura back to the "Kill Tony" stage. Recorded live from the vibrant comedy scene in Austin, Texas, the hosts set the tone for an engaging and humorous evening.

Brian Redban (00:59): "Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah."

Tom Segura's Stand-Up Set

Tom Segura takes the stage, delivering a memorable stand-up performance filled with his characteristic humor. He shares personal anecdotes, ranging from his experiences in Texas to humorous observations about everyday life.

Tom Segura (03:37): "Thanks for having me. Am I supposed to sit here or here?"

Tom's set includes jokes about moving to Texas, dealing with American culture, and his interactions with the local environment, such as Buc-ee's.

Tom Segura (08:29): "There was a rubber boat, burritos, jackets, condoms, gums, guns, a holster for fish—whatever you want, we got it."

Audience Interaction and The Bucket Pool

The hosts explain the "Bucket Pool" segment, where audience members have their names placed in a bucket, and occasionally, someone is "wrangled" from across the street to perform a 60-second uninterrupted set. This interactive element keeps the energy high and fosters a lively atmosphere.

Brian Redban (04:24): "When you hear the sound of a kitty, that means they have to wrap it up then."

Guest Interviews and Personal Stories

Following the performances, hosts engage in humorous yet insightful conversations with the guests. Tom Segura discusses his recent move to Austin, his new job at Newslet News Radio, and his engagement to Lindsey, whom he met through the show.

Tom Segura (17:45): "She came up to me. She was like, hey, you're really cool. You're really funny."

Lindsey, Tom's fiancée, joins the conversation, sharing her own experiences and contributing to the dynamic exchange.

Lindsey Tyree (27:55): "My pronouns are fee, fi, fo, fum."

Stand-Up Performances from Regulars

The episode features performances from regulars Trey Campbell, Roman Schmidt, Grinch Martinez, Drew Nickens, Cam Patterson, Mike Ivey, Patrick Cassidy, Scotty Heim, and Pat Bautista. Each comedian brings their unique style, covering a range of topics from personal relationships to humorous takes on everyday situations.

Trey Campbell (14:22): "Any Kanye West fans in here? Kanye just released a new album on Vultures."

Humorous Banter and Improvisation

Tony and Brian engage in witty banter throughout the episode, often riffing off each other's jokes and improvising humorous scenarios. This chemistry between the hosts adds an extra layer of entertainment, making the show enjoyable even for those who haven't watched it.

Brian Redban (112:11): "How did you two just do that at the same time?"

Conclusion and Closing Remarks

As the episode winds down, the hosts congratulate the comedians, highlight upcoming shows, and encourage the audience to attend their live events. Tom Segura expresses gratitude for being part of the "Kill Tony" family and shares his excitement for future performances.

Brian Redban (131:12): "Thank you. Thank you again to Tom Segura, the man. Thank you, live audience. Good night, everybody."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Brian Redban (00:59): "Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah."

• Tom Segura (08:29): "There was a rubber boat, burritos, jackets, condoms, gums, guns, a holster for fish—whatever you want, we got it."

• Tom Segura (17:45): "She came up to me. She was like, hey, you're really cool. You're really funny."

• Lindsey Tyree (27:55): "My pronouns are fee, fi, fo, fum."

• Trey Campbell (14:22): "Any Kanye West fans in here? Kanye just released a new album on Vultures."

• Brian Redban (112:11): "How did you two just do that at the same time?"

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Key Highlights:

• Interactive Segments: The "Bucket Pool" adds an element of surprise and audience participation, enhancing engagement.

• Personal Narratives: Tom Segura shares insightful stories about his move to Texas, his job, and his engagement, offering a deeper connection with the audience.

• Diverse Performances: Regulars bring a variety of comedic styles, ensuring a well-rounded and entertaining episode.

• Host Chemistry: Tony and Brian's dynamic interaction provides a lively and humorous backdrop to the show.

Conclusion: Episode #683 of "Kill Tony" featuring Tom Segura delivers a mix of stand-up comedy, personal stories, and interactive segments that captivate the audience. With engaging performances and the hosts' charismatic presence, the episode stands out as a memorable installment in the podcast series.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliff.

[Brian Redban]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And how about some noise for the best damn band in the land, huh? Is that some diabolical shit or what? My goodness, what an amazing show. You guys made it to the number one live podcast in the world. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by hellofresh, Squarespace and game time. A lot of fun stuff ahead. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big rope. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day.

[Brian Redban]

Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get a hundred dollar credit on your next ad campaign.

[Brian Redban]

Go to LinkedIn.com campaign to claim your credit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's LinkedIn.com campaign.

[Brian Redban]

Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be. To be. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? You know, sometimes we have three guests. Sometimes we have two. Sometimes we have one. That is so good that I just like to fucking hang out. Let the show breathe. Make it about the bucket pools and the regulars, and jam with one of our favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. You know him from all of his hit, absolute hit specials, his hit podcast, the man is Untouchable, and it is Austin's own Tom Segura. Oh, my God. Let's fucking go, baby. Yes. Resident of Austin, Texas, doing The Moody Center, February 22nd here in beautiful Austin, the Ball Arena, September 14th. Huge shout out happening. Welcome back, Tom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks for having me. Am I supposed to sit here or here?

[Brian Redban]

Let's sit here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Stay cozy just in case someone hangs next to you. Joins us later. Welcome, Tom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks for having me.

[Brian Redban]

You've been on the show numerous times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have.

[Brian Redban]

We're so excited to have you here at Home Base where sometimes crazy really happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have seen some crazy on your show.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, we can have, you know, some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Derelicts that walk out.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, sometimes I'm able to get some real answers out of these people here. These bucket pools and find out more about them that we can't find out in the nervous arenas or even at the ACL live theater that we did that one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Brian Redban]

We're going to try to make some magic happen here tonight. 252 human beings, names are inside of this bucket. Most of them piled into the bar across the street, in which we have a wrangler go and grab them after I pull their name out. Some of them, a few of them, assuredly, are inside. Anybody inside sign up tonight? Clap your hands. Oh, yeah. Look at that retard. Fingers crossed that we get someone from the bar across the street. If I pull someone's name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitty, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them abruptly. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. We talk to them about what makes their lives special. Who knows? Maybe as of late, there's been trivia, there's been spelling bees. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, are you guys ready to start tonight's show? I pulled the first name. They're wrangling that person from across the street. While that happens, why don't we get one of our regulars up here, huh? You guys are fans of the show, right? How many of you watch every week? Well, then I think. I think you will be very excited to find out that the first comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight is an instant legend on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, he is in a hurry to become a citizen of the United States of America. I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mary. What's up? I just moved to Texas. I love it. Bucky's all day. What I love about Texas is that you guys are, like, proud to be American. And I love that energy, you know, because the first time I came to America, this was a couple of years ago, I went to Seattle. Very different vibe, dude.

[Brian Redban]

I go to Seattle, I'm hyped. I'm ready to go off the plane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I watch Saving Pride. Ryan. Back to back three times. I'm hyped.

[Brian Redban]

I'm ready to shoot somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, let's fucking storm the capitol and shit. And then I get to Seattle. Everybody walks around. Every bitch I met had, like, green hair, such low blood pressure. You know, Every conversation I had in.

[Brian Redban]

Seattle, they were all like, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

America is Built on a racist agenda. Who gives a fuck?

[Brian Redban]

You're here on the winning side.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you don't like America, go check out Ukraine. Try to get an oatmeal latte in downtown Kiev. You ungrateful bitch. If you don't like America, give me your passport. Thank you very much.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. He's done it again. The full flex. 1 minute, 45 seconds. The bear is afraid of Ari, Maddie. He goes in hiding. Tom, this is your first time?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was my first time seeing it. Yeah. That was great, man. And you know your crowd, they fucking ate that shit up, bro. Way to go. Hell. Usa.

[Brian Redban]

They usa USA Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

USA.

[Brian Redban]

Hell yeah. Oh, the lights went wild for USA I love it. Very good fucking fun topics the whole way through. You know, you mentioned BUC EE's for those people around the world, a huge part of our listeners are global.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I went there today for the first time.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, how would you explain. Explain your first impression of Bucky's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was a rubber boat, burritos, jackets, condoms, gums, guns, a holster for fish Hoog. Whatever you want, we got it.

[Brian Redban]

What do you want?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think there was a hooker in the back for 50 bucks.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. It is truly unbelievable. I was there yesterday, coming back from a college station. I went to the A and M Notre Dame game with our good friend Shane Gillis and friend of the show, Johnny Manziel. And I came back and I was so excited about this BUC EE's stop in Bastrop. About 35 minutes out, I get a Texas cheesesteak burrito. Has anybody ever tried this from Buc EE's? It's unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had that too, by the way.

[Brian Redban]

You had it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Brian Redban]

I mean, my European belly can't handle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, My little European asshole trying to squeeze out that American turd. Brother, you can fuck me tonight.

[Brian Redban]

Easy, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My asshole is all stretched out, dude.

[Brian Redban]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit. I still have diarrhea currently right now, a little piece of shit in my pants.

[Brian Redban]

It really is one of those things, the Texas cheesesteak burrito. While being perhaps, I mean, bite after bite, one of the most delicious things. It is truly risk reward. That should be next to that in the dictionary. A picture of the Buc ee's Texas cheesesteak burrito. Because even my stomach full of Italian red sauce my entire life. And men's cum. I beat you to it. I could tell the wheels were turning there. Son of a bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony's gay.

[Brian Redban]

There you go. Tony's gay. Tony's gay. All right, all right, that's enough. Okay, but even me. And I have a furiously strong digestive stomach. Like, it's one thing I just never have problems with. But even me, that Texas cheesesteak burrito fucks me up 100% of the time for a few hours. And I learned yesterday that if you do a minute and a half in the cold plunge after having one, you're good. That's what it takes. It takes 45 degrees Fahrenheit at 90 seconds, and it cures all your problems.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The diarrhea goes away.

[Brian Redban]

I beat it to the diarrhea. It doesn't cause diarrhea. I didn't diarrhea in the cold plunge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would have been. Becomes a popsicle story. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

A whole fudgesicle, if you will. I love it, though. It's great stuff. You've been to a buc ee's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God, yeah. Of course. It's an experience.

[Brian Redban]

It really is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you come to Texas, you have to go.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yourself go.

[Brian Redban]

Have to go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's. It's. I mean, it's useless shit, but it's so fun. Yeah. And cheap shit.

[Brian Redban]

I like their fucking swagger. Like that jacket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a fucking boat. That's a cup. And you're like, okay.

[Brian Redban]

And also, I don't know how the payment works there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, I could have stolen.

[Brian Redban]

Like, hey, Americans steal shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody fucking looks at shit.

[Brian Redban]

I have a conspiracy theory. I probably obviously shouldn't mention it on this show, but I have a little theory that they purposefully don't ring everything up. Did you notice this at all?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Anybody else notice this? Is that a thing that they do on purpose? Like, really? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what do you mean?

[Brian Redban]

Pretty sure. So, like, if you get a ton of shit. Yeah, I think they, like, go, like, I've had it happen a few times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They go, just have some of it.

[Brian Redban]

They don't say that, but they're like, your totals, $32. You have, like, a ton of shit and. And a jacket like that. Well, you got the whole fucking jumpsuit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you. How much was that? $12.

[Brian Redban]

It is the most magical place on earth. Hot nuts and. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I've never seen so many fat people in Camel. Dude, that deer is going to see you with your fat fucking face. This is big, red fucking Alec Baldwin head. Hey, Tom, you used to be fat, right? Yes, yes, yes. But I didn't wear camo. I was fucking. Holy shit. Money makes a difference. Yeah, it does. It does. It could also help you get citizenship, so just try to get some. Believe me, you got A long way to go with that, but I hope you get it, dude. I fucking hope you get it.

[Brian Redban]

And if you don't get it, just cover yourself in camo and hide in with the rest of us. Ari. Maddie, you did it again. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was great. That was great.

[Brian Redban]

I mean, the show has begun. You're in it. And now to the Bucket we go. This is obviously the part where shit gets crazy. Could be anybody, could be a star of the future. We found all of our regulars and golden ticket winners through this bucket. Could be a crazy person, could be a 15 year veteran that's swallowed his pride and come here to try to make it. Could be somebody who's starting tonight. Either way, they've waited for hours. They signed up and the moment is theirs. Your first Bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Trey Campbell. Make some noise for Trey, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, everybody. I just moved to Austin recently. I'm really excited. The other day, I was driving on the street and I saw a bumper sticker and it said, silly boys, trucks are for girls. But I looked at the bumper sticker and it was on a Nissan Altima. And I was like, oh, that's cool. This city's so progressive. Even the cars here are trans. I'm getting married. Me and my wife were riding in the car the other day and she was all like, I need to go to church. I need a closer relationship with God. And I was like, you just overdosed on whippets the other day. How much closer to God do you wanna get? Any Kanye west fans in here? Kanye just released a new album on Vultures. One of the albums, one of the lines he says, beautiful big titty butt naked women don't just fall out the sky, you know? And I heard that and I was like, damn, those are bars. But clearly, Kanye west wasn't in New York City on September 11, 2001.

[Brian Redban]

Trey Campbell looking for validation throughout his entire set from Tom and I. Paying no attention to The Tom Segura. 350 people in front of him did not care if you guys were laughing whatsoever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I cared about.

[Brian Redban]

Was fully focused on him and I after each punchline.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have that bond, me and you. Okay? No, we don't. Yeah. No.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was just trying to look. That was very funny, man. That was very funny. Thank you so much.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely. Were you happy? Did you happen to be wearing camo at a Buc EE's earlier? Ari Matty describes someone that looks shockingly like you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It might have been me. It depends on which Bucky's you were at. Wow. Because we were at the One and Bass Drop, so.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa. Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Might have been me.

[Brian Redban]

Might have been you. You were there today?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it was like, a couple weeks ago.

[Brian Redban]

Right. Looks like you had a few cheesesteak burritos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. I like their pulled pork sandwiches. Their pulled pork sandwiches go hard, man.

[Brian Redban]

Red band agreeing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They go hard going in and coming out. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. And they made you go soft.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look how that's true. I don't know, man. I've been doing pretty good.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, Tell us more. What has your diet been like lately? What exactly is it? Cause you look like a leprechaun that only eats Lucky Charms, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Back when I was a kid, I would only eat the Lucky. Like the marshmallows out of the cereal. Dude, we fucking know. Come on. Thank you. Come on. You would be correct. Yes.

[Brian Redban]

Tell us some more of the wild fat boy things that you've done. Marshmallows only out of Lucky Charms. Can you give us some more examples?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I would take some of those honey buns and I would put them in the microwave. And then I would take them out and I'd put syrup on the honey bun.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, fucking hell, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's pretty good. Oh, my. Can you believe somebody's gonna marry me? No.

[Brian Redban]

Is someone marrying you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're engaged. I'm married. Yeah. I'm engaged. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Who are you engaged to?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Her name is Lindsey. We met in line for your show.

[Brian Redban]

Unbelievable. There you go. Kill Tony making miracles happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you move from?

[Brian Redban]

Where did you move from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I moved from Houston.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, okay. I was going to guess Oz. Houston. That is incredible. And what does Lindsey do for a living?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She sells, like, apartments to old people. Oh, she's like a scammer.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Depends on who you ask. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really specific?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you old? You want to fucking buy something? Yeah. For real. Just come on down.

[Brian Redban]

It's a nurse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll get your information.

[Brian Redban]

What makes her target old people?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. I think she just works in one of those senior facilities where she, you know. I don't know.

[Brian Redban]

No, that's a senior home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not a home. Pretty much. Yeah. She's like the director of sales.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. So she gets people, not apartments, but into a nursing home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That too, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Absolutely. And you guys met. What was your big line with her? What was your opening?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She came up to me. She was like, hey, you're really cool. You're really funny.

[Brian Redban]

She saw you on the show before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's about it. We just kind of started talking about like the Smiths.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. And the rest is history. I now know what she looks like just from that description. That's all that it took? Dark hair?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, she's got. Well, she has like red hair. She dyed it red.

[Brian Redban]

There you go. Yeah, yeah. Uh huh. A lot of makeup?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit, yeah. She's beautiful.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, I bet. Yeah. To settle for a boy like you. I bet she's a real fucking supermodel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I think so.

[Brian Redban]

Let me guess, six foot five?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's close.

[Brian Redban]

Really? She's big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's six.

[Brian Redban]

You know this girl? Oh yeah, I've met her many times. Wow. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club. All the biggest comedians in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Some 6 foot 5 open micrs rolling in there. Still a lot of space. No bumping their heads on those ceilings, I promise you that. Notoriously high ceilings. A great place for someone six five to perform. Incredible. And remind us, what do you do for work exactly?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually now I moved here and I got a job in Newslet News Radio.

[Brian Redban]

News Radio? No better time. Perhaps a locomotive is next for you. Perhaps the newspaper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. It's the way of the future.

[Brian Redban]

Radio News Radio. What exactly are you doing for News Radio?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Usually I run the board. I'll answer the phone calls. A lot of people call in and say a lot of crazy shit.

[Brian Redban]

Somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a political talk show.

[Brian Redban]

Oh yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody called and said Biden gave his dog cocaine. That was pretty cool. That's not impossible.

[Brian Redban]

It's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, they found it in the White House, so it's makes me not the craziest thing. Can you make a living doing that? Yeah, make about 15 an hour. Okay. All right. I guess it depends on what she's got to sell. A lot of apartments. Living is. Yeah, that's relative. I got it.

[Brian Redban]

How long have you been dating this girl that you're marrying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've been dating since February.

[Brian Redban]

This February?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

And when did you get engaged?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got engaged in May, by the hi, how are you? Mural.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. And what made you do it so quickly there, Trey?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just. When you know, you know. And we just fit together.

[Brian Redban]

No, that's not true at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love her.

[Brian Redban]

Well, I bet you do. I bet you do. Do you have any inheritances or anything that you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I got. I got some. Yeah, I got some inheritances.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want me to talk about it?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, let's talk about it. Why not? We've never asked that question in 11 and a half years. Who better to ask about his inheritances than you? The most adorable little fucking thank you Oompa Loompa I've ever seen in my life. Incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, my dad passed away in 2021 and he left me some money.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, ballpark it. How much?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About 350.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, that's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He left me about $350.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, you're being silly. Was it 350,000?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, any other inheritances? Let's go through. It's a little segment we call Trey's Inheritances Everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's about it. He left me like a. He left me two trailers and he left me some four wheelers and a boat. Anybody who wants to buy some four wheelers in a boat? You want to buy a four wheeler? Tony or Tom or Red, Ben or.

[Brian Redban]

No, I'd want one where the shocks and struts aren't used by you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I haven't rode it in like 10 years.

[Brian Redban]

You imagine hitting a bump on that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, that's funny. Are you living in the trailers? No, not anymore. Did you sell them? No, not yet. I'm trying to. Are you going to rent them out or what do you do? Yeah, that's the goal. They're just sitting empty? Yeah, they're just kind of sitting there, desolate. A lot of my clothes are in there. This is a lot of clothes I can't wear anymore.

[Brian Redban]

Is your lip blue right now? Am I noticing that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it's the black lipstick because like I kissed my wife before I came up here. Oh, wow. Well, I get a little bit worried when she kisses me on the face.

[Brian Redban]

She wears a lot of black lipstick. I guess that a Smiths fan would have black lipstick like that. That's incredible. It's absolutely shocking. When I pictured her, I totally didn't picture anything like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you'd like her.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, she's cool.

[Brian Redban]

Why do you think I'd like her?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. You just seem like someone who'd like her. She's six one, you know.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just because of the height. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Have you ever 69 with her?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we haven't got. She's not real. I mean I would, but we don't really.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Looks like right before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We haven't done that yet. I mean, I. Listen, I will go down when asked to, but we haven't.

[Brian Redban]

Has she asked you to do that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a couple of times. She. Twice more than that. I'm speaking in like, you know, generalities.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, uh huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why have you. Hold on. What? Yeah, why have you not. You're waiting till 69. When she's like, okay, tonight we 69. Yeah, whenever she wants. You know, I'm down. So is she like a dom? No, not really. But can you suggest stuff you like? Yeah, I think I should. I think I will tonight.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's great. That's awesome.

[Brian Redban]

Look at that. Now, how tall are you, Trey?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm about five, eight, five seven.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, it's going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm about five, six.

[Brian Redban]

There you go. So where do you think things are going to end up when you. 69? Are you ready to toss her belly button?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I'm down. I mean, it'll work.

[Brian Redban]

You guys have had sex, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, all the time.

[Brian Redban]

All the time. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Perhaps the old stir the pot or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It takes me a while to get there.

[Brian Redban]

What exactly do you mean by that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It just takes me a long time to achieve orgasm. And you're like master control. I think so. It's the Karma Sutra. I'm usually just thinking about the Sacramento Kings. Okay. I really want them to win a title at some point, and, you know, I'm just always thinking about De'Aaron Fox, hoping he doesn't get hurt again. So it takes you a while to finish?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's nice. Yeah. Do you have any kinks? Do you have any weird kinks? No, not really. I'm pretty boring, honestly. I like to have, like, basketball on in the. I like car crashes a lot. I like to watch car crashes during sex. Yeah, you know, like, fucking bodies mangled and shit. It's cool. It's cool. It's fun. I like seeing cars crash. Yeah, I like them, too. I mean, they're fun. Did you just go to the Daytona 500? I went last year. I mean, I wasn't fucking someone during it, but. Yeah, that's my dream. That's your dream just to fucking see a huge explosion and then you're like. You'll not your pants? Essentially, yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah. And does she have any kinks? I don't know. I think a couple, but I don't. I don't know if I should, I think. Oh, that's very respectful. That's your wife. I don't want to kiss and tell. No, that's. Well, you have. We can tell you kissed. So, you know. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Trey, Tom, you guys are never going to believe this. I was just informed in the longest way possible. Took a minute and a half. Took red a minute and a half to tell me something very, very simple. Simple. But I have been informed that Trey's girlfriend, who does standup comedy is now, right now. Since they came together backstage and willing to do a set. Trey, would you like to. Would you like to introduce your girlfriend? And then you just take a step to the right, and then we'll interview you guys together. No, not yet, Trey. After you say her name. And by the way, your right is the other way. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, I'm dyslexic.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Okay, so now I'm introducing his girlfriend, Trey Campbell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, this is.

[Brian Redban]

Here you go. Looks like. There you go. Say her name, Trey. Say her fucking name, Trey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Lindsey. Tyree. This is the last minute.

[Brian Redban]

Here's a new minute from Lindsay. Everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Already getting laughs.

[Brian Redban]

My name's Lindsey. My pronouns are fee, fi, fo, fum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks, guys.

[Brian Redban]

Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guys.

[Brian Redban]

I have this rock. I'm a lot like Cam Patterson, except for I am retarded. Anyway, I use it for stimming. It's an autism thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I rub it on my hands sometimes.

[Brian Redban]

Like, my face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got this cut on the inside.

[Brian Redban]

Of my lip, and I got super sick. So I went to the doctor, and he said, I'm sorry, ma'am, you've contracted the very first ever case of mermaids. Thank you. Lindsey Tyree. Is that correct? Tyree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Tony. Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Redban]

I love it. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Correct. How long you been doing standup? About four years. Where are you from? All over the place. I just moved here in December from the Central Valley. California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Visalia, to be specific. There's one person.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Truly the almost frightening middle of nowhere. I've. I've seen the exit sign for that city. Well, you see what it breeds, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely. I'll stick with stopping at a Buc EE's. My goodness. So, welcome, welcome. We just had a great talk with Trey. You work at some type of, like, nursing home or something like that or. I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I work at an assisted living, like, nursing home, but for entertainment purposes, I sell cupcakes.

[Brian Redban]

So forget about the other thing, okay? Perfect. Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true, Tom. They're delicious.

[Brian Redban]

I'll drop one off for you. Yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I like cupcakes. Thanks. Chocolate peanut butter. Fantastic. You make them? I do.

[Brian Redban]

They're organic and from scratch, even though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They'Re not really organic.

[Brian Redban]

But don't tell any of my customers that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you just threw the label on there. That's cool.

[Brian Redban]

That's small business, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, wow.

[Brian Redban]

I like your style.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So just. Just to be clear, she is a scammer. Like, I don't know.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bought the sugar at Whole Foods. That's cool.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing. Not only does she make cupcakes, she's also marrying one, by the looks of things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Brian Redban]

You specialize in cupcakes and muffin tops. This is great. Lindsay, what do you do for fun? This.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a shit ton of cats.

[Brian Redban]

And a dog that I pay attention to. A shit ton of cats. Two cats. That's two. That's one too many. Trey almost fell off the stage making sure we knew it was only two cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please don't fall, Trey.

[Brian Redban]

So you live with three pussies. That's incredible. Incredible. Lindsey. One dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One dog.

[Brian Redban]

I love it. I love it. What kind of dog? The vet said that he's a Moza Husky hound mix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's just a.

[Brian Redban]

Are we talking about Trey again? He's definitely a husky. He's a husky and a little hound dog. Am I right? Ain't nothing but a hound dog. Look at you two. What kind of mattress do you guys use exactly?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're in a California King, so.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Is that your order at In N Out, or what is that? Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like Whataburgers.

[Brian Redban]

So you're a Whataburger guy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, all day.

[Brian Redban]

Can I ask Liam Lindsey, where do you stand on this, coming from the middle of California, Whataburger or In N Out? There's only one correct answer, and it's not Whataburger. Go ahead and answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Tony. I'm just fat enough to be able to answer this question accurately.

[Brian Redban]

The Whataburger chicken is better, and the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In N Out burgers are better.

[Brian Redban]

I'll actually take that answer and accept it. The grilled chicken at Whataburger. You gotta lose the bunch or else you immediately get cancer. That's how that works. Lindsey, you and Trey got engaged very fast, very quickly. How did it make you feel when he proposed to you? Were you expecting it? Were you surprised? Tell us a little bit about the insight, because we didn't get too much into detail about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I was surprised. It was.

[Brian Redban]

Did he even have to get down on one knee? The height disadvantage here makes it so that I feel like he could have stood straight up. He's shaking his head no. You didn't get on one knee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He didn't.

[Brian Redban]

He sat on the edge of the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bed and he's like, so, do you want to marry me?

[Brian Redban]

Wow, that is fucking adorable. And did you immediately Say yes. Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, my God, you guys are so cute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are.

[Brian Redban]

This is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you know that you're 69ing tonight?

[Brian Redban]

Well, when you're as tall, when you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have the height differential, it kind of.

[Brian Redban]

Always is that, but that makes sense. You're saying that you fuck Trey upside down a lot. Yeah. I love it. I love it. What other position you get do you guys ever do? Reverse cow. Oh, there he is. Oh, we can't came here to groan. It's a brand new never heard before joke. It only works when talking about sexual positions with a big couple. You leave out the girl. Okay. All right. I don't really care about your guys sex life. Quite frankly. I threw up in my mouth after picturing it. Trey, I would love to have you back on the secret show Thursday if you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll be there.

[Brian Redban]

Can I make a suggestion? Can I make a little suggestion here? And I don't book your show. But I have to say it because her opening joke was so fucking strong. I think that you should go fucking back to back. Five and five for each of them. This way they get to come in together a happy couple. There you go. They're going. They're doing the secret show. Amazing stuff. Thank you. Here's a big joke book for you, Lindsey. Welcome to the family. You already have one, right, Trey? Thank. Thank you so much. There you go. Congratulations. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. And like that, we're three comedians in. Already this fun train is moving along. This looks like a fun next bucket pool. Make some noise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh.

[Brian Redban]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, huh? She's here live in the flesh. You can think about the Sacramento Kings all you want. You're still coming. Immediately. There is no injury on that basketball team which you can last through that. Hey, it's Kaley Cuoco for Priceline. Ready to go to your happy place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For a happy price.

[Brian Redban]

Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels. So whether it's cousin Kevin's kazoo concert in Kansas City. Go Kevin. Or Becky's bachelorette bash in Bermuda, you never have to miss a trip ever again. So download the Priceline app today. Your savings are waiting. Go to your happy place for a happy price with Priceline's Black Friday sale. Save now and travel later with our best deals of the year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to your happy price. Priceline.

[Brian Redban]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the Kill Tony, I do believe debut of Grinch Martinez Grinch Martinez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there I was this morning at breakfast with my children, watching Infowars, when I thought to myself, what would it be like if Alex Jones started reciting Ice Spice lyrics? It would probably go something like, you think you're the shit, bitch? You're not even the fart. Stay tuned. We'll be right back. I think Alex Jones is right, you know? I think we should have a problem with gay frogs. You're a gay frog listening to this. I don't hate you. I love everybody, you know what I mean? Just keep it away from my young tadpoles, you know what I mean? I got young fucking tadpoles. Impressionable. So I was at Chick fil a the other day, right, with my wife and kids, which is what you do when you don't have the abortion. And I was thinking to myself, why do they call it a Arnold Palmer? Arnold Palmer, for those of you that don't know, he's just like an old white guy, played golf, but Arnold Palmer. The drink is a mixed drink. It's a half and half. We shouldn't call it an Arnold Palmer. We should call it a Tiger woods. You know, he's half Thai, half girl. You know what I'm saying? All right, that's my time.

[Brian Redban]

Grinch Martinez, ladies and gentlemen, Grinch Martinez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

I mean, absolutely, unbelievably terrible. That is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it wasn't. Shut up. They all laughed. Calm down. Down. Come on. People come up here with zero laughs. Come on.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, look at you arguing whether or not that was a good or bad set. That's almost never. There's a guy losing his mind in the middle of the room right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They left, though. I mean.

[Brian Redban]

All right. Oh, my God. This guy's crazy. What's going on? He's getting in trouble now. Forget it, Grinch. Hello, how are you? It did suck, I promise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

People weren't laughing exactly at the things you think they were laughing at. Do you think that Alex Jones impression is good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've done better.

[Brian Redban]

Let's hear you do better. Try to do better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Globalists and Chinese, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redban]

I would bet that Red Band does a better Alex Jones than you. Oh, come on, Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, join us.

[Brian Redban]

Notoriously doesn't do impressions, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Brian Redban]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Red Band doing Alex Jones black helicopters. There you go. No doubt about it. I was right. I was right. Famous non impressionist Brian Red Band just being you in an impression. Off. Do you really watch a lot of Alex Jones, Grinch? How long you Been doing standup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I moved here December 21st, so February 22nd. So about two years to that. Two and a half years.

[Brian Redban]

You named five different dates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years. Two years.

[Brian Redban]

Two years is the answer there. And how do you think it's going for you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just open mics, really. Just trying my best with open mics. I work.

[Brian Redban]

Do you love it? Does it make you happy doing them?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I work at a Pizzeria on 6th Street. Sorry about that. Oops.

[Brian Redban]

Did you hit the bass drum there? Accidentally touched the S with my irregular heartbeat. Or the bass drum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nervous up here. Sorry. Sorry about that, Mike. Sorry about that.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll stay right here.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely. Are we going to pizzas or what do you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm in the front of the front of the house. No, no, I'm cashier.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've served you before. We've hung out.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, we've hung out. Is that what you're saying? You've served me before and we've hung out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the time that it's hang out.

[Brian Redban]

Did I grab the pizza and then leave?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You signed my autograph.

[Brian Redban]

I what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You signed an autograph of mine.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, that the bill? Yeah. Yeah. They had me sign a. What bill was that? Instead of five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a two.

[Brian Redban]

It was a two dollar bill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Redban]

There you go. Yeah. They asked me to sign a bill. I fucking did it. And you took care of my pizza. I got one slice of pizza. Do you remember what kind it was?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Redban]

Why don't you say it? Go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A pineapple pepperoni.

[Brian Redban]

That is correct, ladies and gentlemen, Grinch Martinez. Absolutely nailing. Because it's just kind of very mad that I had pineapple on a pizza.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Brian Redban]

Don't knock it till you try it, people. Goes great with pepperoni and sausage and peanuts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Brian Redban]

Grinch, tell us about your love life. You look like you could be the third member of the Trey and Lindsey. There's enough room on the third part. Yeah, nothing but thruple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm married. I haven't had the wedding yet, though. I just. Yeah. How's that? I've to. Just the pandemic. During the pandemic. I had two kids in the middle of it. We haven't got married yet, but it's on the to do list. Yeah. I need to get that done. Yeah. Have you done like this? Hard for me to say that in front of all these people. Honestly, be honest with you. What do you. What do you mean? It's just. I don't know, something I've been dealing with. For four years now. I've been trying to get married, you know. Oh, but can you go to a courthouse? I can. I should. You're right.

[Brian Redban]

Well, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said that like that. I just gave you the idea of ideas, like. Right. Yeah. No, it's just hard. It's just moving over here from California. I got you. Where do you live? You live here, though? I do live here now, yeah. You can. I mean, you can just pick an afternoon. I mean, like, it's not that fucking crazy.

[Brian Redban]

What's been stopping you? Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know how to get on a plane, right? You go to the airport. So if you want to get married, you go to. Yeah, okay. All right.

[Brian Redban]

What's. What's held you up up until this point? Grinch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just. Just hip deep in my two kids. You know what I mean? Just diapers and just. You know what I mean? How old are the kids? 2 and 4.

[Brian Redban]

Even red band scoffing at you saying hip deep. The man famous for saying, you know what I mean? Wild shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I know, I know, dude.

[Brian Redban]

So the kids are what, one and three or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So two and four?

[Brian Redban]

Two and four, absolutely. And they're both with the same woman. You've been together four years?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six years. Do you always do stand up in shorts? It's very hot outside, Mr. Thomas. I hear you. I'm just asking, is that you? I don't know. Okay. It's a thing. It's a choice. All right.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it is a thing. Stand up in shorts, they say in the Italian Mafia, they say a don does not wear shorts. And in standup comedy, they say a comedian does not wear shorts. I remember one time at an open mic at The Laugh Factory, 17 years ago, I wore shorts. And I remember thinking to myself, yep, this doesn't feel good. No, I'm never doing this again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's almost like a sure sign that the person's open. A lunatic.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah, no doubt about it. In fact, I was wearing a hoodie with my shorts that day in Ohio State. Hoodie. I specifically remember khaki cargo shorts and where I was and the day of the week and the time, and I haven't done it since. That's how traumatized things changed for you. Yeah, exactly. I put the shorts away, found red band, and my life changed ever since William Montgomery Famous wears shorts and a lunatic. He is crazy. He is a different type of soldier. He's an unorthodox weapon. He can wear shorts. He can also look at notes. Two things that I refuse to do in a big city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you. Where do you find, like, where do you get up? Where do you try to get up on stage? The creek. The Creek and the Cave.

[Brian Redban]

Shakespeare's talk right into the tip of the microphone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shakespeare's the Creek and the Cave. I used to do the Rapolo's Mic, the Pizzeria before they stopped doing it. What else? I had a. Yeah, the Buzz Mill done over there. You getting up? I'm sorry? You're getting up. You're getting up. Okay. Yep.

[Brian Redban]

Is your real name Grinch or is that a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So everybody calls me?

[Brian Redban]

That's what everybody calls me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All my friends back home called me.

[Brian Redban]

Because you do kind of look like the Grinch. Yeah. Look at that. That is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was funnier than all of my jokes. I was careful. You're about to hit that drum. Oh, right.

[Brian Redban]

So it's fun to go by a name that. What's your actual name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My name is Pete. Peter.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, Pete. Yep. That's nothing like Grinch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope.

[Brian Redban]

Pete Martinez. What's something crazy about your life before I let you go that we would find interesting right into the tip of that microphone. I don't know how it works. I've been on pillows or the brick in the cave, but right here, I've been to Antarctica. You've been to Antarctica?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What did you do up there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was in the Navy. I did a cargo handling operation. They do it once a year. It's part of the U.S. antarctica program. My command, kind of.

[Brian Redban]

Why does everyone feel like you're lying right now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because of the cringe I'm always up to. I don't know if this face. Something's nefarious all the time, I guess.

[Brian Redban]

All right. You've been on this show before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No.

[Brian Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, sir.

[Brian Redban]

No?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Well, welcome. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Grinch Martinez. I'm going to count that as a bomb. He might not think that he bombed. I'm counting it as a bomb. And when somebody bombs, I have a special soldier I bring in. We're watching him grow in front of our eyes. A very polarizing figure made a golden ticket winner just a few months ago. This is a brand new set from Drew Nickens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Having a TBI in this platform, I want you to know if you work hard and you stay kind, you can achieve any dream you want, right? Well, I want to accomplish like the ones before. I'm talking about Gary Busey, talking about Aaron Hernandez, talking about Chris Benoit. But I'm not a murdering TVI I'm a childlike TVI if you can't tell. I've stayed in mental health facilities. It's the one place where I'm the most normal guy in the room. I like the ones that are mixed with drug rehabs. Cause it's kind of like a taco bell on KFC. And plus, druggies gotta eat 24 7, so I get all the Razor Bran crunch. I've never had a girlfriend, but I did date a multiple personality. Lola. She hated me. Caroline loved me. I had a girlfriend four hours a day until Caroline got healthy. All right, thank you all so much.

[Brian Redban]

Drew Nickens with Another New Minute. You know, one of the main things. And you know, sometimes people say that my hearing's bad. I mean, I don't have great hearing. I've been listening to loud music my whole life. But, you know, sometimes they're listening to a cleaner version of the audio than what we have here. And they go, how did they not hear? It's so Blake. And why they. Why they say what he say? But I'm here to tell you, I have no idea. Were you saying tbi?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, tbi. Traumatic brain injury.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Yeah. The people that haven't had a TBI don't know what that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Brian Redban]

We thought you said TV Guide, and it was making no sense to us. I literally thought you said TV Guide. And the people that haven't had a TV Guide. I want a TV Guide like Aaron Hernandez, Chris Benoit. My God, they had a TV Guide.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, they didn't.

[Brian Redban]

No, they may have. You don't know that a tv. I guarantee you Chris Benoit had a TV Guide in his house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was just hanging out. Whoa.

[Brian Redban]

True. Stop it. You son of a bitch. You crazy bastard, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's good.

[Brian Redban]

So, you know, one of the things I would say is make sure when you're the setups for your jokes, you know, that people know what you're talking about saying tbi. And, you know, like, you have to make sure you say, I've had a traumatic brain injury. And people will be like, yep. And then you're in. Because if the setup. If the setup isn't clean and clear, then the. Everything else is off track. The payoff at the end, no matter how great your punchlines are, are rough. Make some noise. If you honestly knew what a TBI was. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the fuck up. There probably no people with TBIs.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But also, you can. You can say it once the long form and say, or as we call it, TBIs and then you have that for the rest of your set. Ok? Yes, sir.

[Brian Redban]

Yep. We're making Drew grow. Here it is. It's a fun thing to watch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the tbi?

[Brian Redban]

The tbi? Yeah. Can you explain a little bit? What? Or is that uncomfortable?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I'll explain a little bit. I had a collision with something and it made my brain go whoop, whoop. And so it kind of changed who I was in a fact, because, you know, some people, they murder, they get, like. Really? I just gamble a lot. Oh, okay. So it change your impulse control and stuff? Impulse control? I forget things a lot. Frontal lobe. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa, you're smart. Well, yeah. I've watched some of the same documentaries that you've watched, so.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So how long ago? It was about 10 years ago. Okay, yeah. 10, 11 years.

[Brian Redban]

Is there anything else that changed about your life when this happened? Was there something that maybe you were into or something that tasted good that wasn't good or any like. What else? What else changed?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't like sweet. I loved sweet tea before, and then afterwards I was like, that's garbage.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. My goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I found that I loved polka music after I got my head injury. Jesus Christ. Dope.

[Brian Redban]

You love polka music?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, polka. Like Jokic, he loves polka because he's from Serbia.

[Brian Redban]

I love polka.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so fun.

[Brian Redban]

You guys got any polka? What do we got? Polka Wise one, two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Poker.

[Brian Redban]

You really do love. All right, all right, all right, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, can I ask something like. So sorry. You look scared. No, no, it's not scary. I mean, I got the sweet tea. Okay. And I got the polka. Oh, okay. And they seem. They don't. Like, they're not, you know, life like, they're not like, oh, what am I gonna fucking do now? I don't. You know. But is there of negative consequence, like a more severe thing that. I don't mean like severe as in. I just mean a negative behavior that is a trait other than impulse.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. It seems like you got a lot of good stuff out of this brain injury. You're fucking. You're an international comedy superstar. You're out here dancing to polka, fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I deal with depression a lot. That's why I was in the mental health facilities. And I deal with, like, suicidal tendencies. Please dial 988 if you ever have a problem. You can also chat on the 988.

[Brian Redban]

Is that a hotline?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the suicide hotline. If you ever have any trouble. Also, you could do hell, yeah, dog.

[Brian Redban]

Tell us more. Tell Them what to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you can also use the chat line so they don't have your information. I always use a fake name. When I use it, I'm always Mickey.

[Brian Redban]

Mickey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's me.

[Brian Redban]

Mickey. How many times have you called the suicide hotline?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not lately. I kissed a girl a couple weeks ago. Let's go.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, really? Oh, my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I did a honk.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. My goodness. What funeral home did you kiss this girl at exactly? No. Where were you when you kissed a girl?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On the back of her car at a cidercade.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. In the back of her car?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, on the back of her car. She had, like, a PT Cruiser. So I was, like, leaned back and I had her right here. Oh. I thought he was about to play the sad music again. I was like, damn.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Wow. Did you take her to dinner? Did you go to. Yeah, we went to TBI Fridays.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man, you're so good at this shit. We went to Terry Black's. Oh. And they hooked it up, dog. It was good. She didn't like banana pudding. That was a red flag.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my goodness. Big red flag. Who cares if she likes sweet tea?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does she like that? Dog, if you drink sweet tea, you might be boring. I don't know. Unless you're in the audience. I love y'all.

[Brian Redban]

Have you ever tried a sweet tea lemonade or Gringe calls it a liger Woods. Perhaps he thought that that got a big laugh. I got laughs up here. I love it. So, Drew, you kissed a girl on the back of the PT Cruiser? And then what were you like? You want to take this back to my place? Did it just end there? Like, well, how did that night end for you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, hey, let's go get ice cream somewhere. You know, it's hot and heavy.

[Brian Redban]

And not heavy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was hot and heavy.

[Brian Redban]

And she said it was hot and heavy. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hot and heavy. Sorry, sir.

[Brian Redban]

Enough about her. How was the moment?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dog? Dog. I felt like one of those 902zero guest stars. Just like.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know what that means. You know, when you're nine, two one zero is only awesome if you've had a traumatic brain injury.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They don't play poker. Okay. Anyways. But then she was like, I gotta go watch the newest episode of Big Brother. And then she left.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, right?

[Brian Redban]

Sounds like a perfect first hang to me. Was she a bigger girl?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Skinny?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Tall? Black lipstick?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No. I see what you're doing there, V50.

[Brian Redban]

Yes. That's how we get them out. True Nickens, ladies and gentlemen, out on a big lap. We got him. Get out of here. It's not going to get any better than that. You know what? Let's get another one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, winners. When I say superstar, I fucking mean it. An absolute freak of nature. This is a brand new minute from the undeniable Cam Patterson. You know what? We're gonna wait for that. We'll get to a bucket pull. We'll do a bucket pull. All right, ladies and gentlemen, reset your expectations because this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from what looks like a new name. Make some noise for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I grew up in a small town, and one thing they say about, like, small town people is that they're, like, racist and stuff. And, like, I can't say, remember a moment of racism. But I also grew up Catholic, so I'm pretty good at ignoring obvious problems. Not true Catholic, though. Never done anal. So with a woman, I found out that brown eye was in reference to your asshole, which shocked me. Cause my priest referred to it as my flower. So, living in Austin, this is my first real experience with homeless people. And I don't know about you guys, but I get called a faggot a lot by the homeless. It's to the point where I'm like, they know something I don't. I've never questioned myself till I got here. And I'm like, is it the way I walk? Like, what? Thank you. I've been Roman Schmidt.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely unbelievable. This is the second time you've been on this show, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Correct.

[Brian Redban]

And both times you've been asked. Absolutely hilarious. Beginning to end. Wouldn't you agree that the crowd has been completely receptive? Both times?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they super fun. This is awesome. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Remind us again, how old are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

22.

[Brian Redban]

And how long have you been doing stand up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little over two and a half.

[Brian Redban]

22. Two and a half years in. And most of that was in Wisconsin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, two years in Wisconsin, the rest here. So.

[Brian Redban]

So you've been here about six months?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like eight. Eight or nine or whatever.

[Brian Redban]

Now, how do you like it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The scene is super fun. The city's whatever. Yeah, well, I do get called a faggot a lot.

[Brian Redban]

And I don't take it from me, Roman. That's every city. It's not just an Austin thing. I get off the plane everywhere else, and immediately the pilots are like, good day, faggot. Enjoy it out there. 77 and cloudy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good to know. Good to know. I'll prepare.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it's not an Austin Thing being called a. I was hoping it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was.

[Brian Redban]

Take it from me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Brian Redban]

Take it from me. And by take it from me, I mean this car. Because I'm gay. No, I'm kidding. All right, Tom, what do you think about the young buck Roman here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was a great set, man. Very fun stuff. Very. Where are you being called a faggot so much? Well, it's usually down the street. Yeah. Cause I like to be downtown and, like, right outside and all that.

[Brian Redban]

Do you walk on all fours or something like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sometimes you gotta switch it up. It's good for the back. No, it's usually like a homeless guy's like, can I have a dollar? I'm like, no. I'm like, faggot. And then they walk away, and it's like, that's cool, you know? Yeah, that is cool. You didn't have them in Wisconsin? Where'd you go? Where'd you live in Wisconsin? Madison. Madison. Yeah. That's where I started, you know. You ever go to Milwaukee? I never actually left Madison. Oh, but that's because if you go to Milwaukee, they'll call you a fag, too. Yeah, I was in Milwaukee when I was real little, but I was not, like, anywhere in the city, though. Yeah. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Have you ever thought about beating the homeless guy to the faggot, perhaps? Saying, you know, hey, man, do you have a dollar? And you go, no, faggot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm too nice. I've been told I've been too nice. That's the Wisconsin in me.

[Brian Redban]

Give us some examples of the nicest things you've ever done in your life, Roman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, geez Louise.

[Brian Redban]

I took it. That's very nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very nice.

[Brian Redban]

You know what, dude? You're a. Can I have a dollar? No. Geez Louise. Tell us some more. Yeah, I actually say that a lot. We are faggots, dude. I love a good cheese, Louise. Probably every day I say that at some point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you say heaven to Betsy, too? No, that's okay. No, that's. That's too faggy.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So give us some of the nice, nicest things you've ever done growing up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd serve for a lot of funerals for, like, the older people. I do that all the time.

[Brian Redban]

You would serve at funeral?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I was an altar boy. So you just served mass, and so.

[Brian Redban]

You serve that ass up? Is that what you said?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, I'm gonna.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At this point, but no, just, like, church stuff.

[Brian Redban]

And did a priest ever get touchy with you back in your Altar boy days?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I was pretty fucking ugly. I was, I was a goon.

[Brian Redban]

But if you were an altar boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, oh, I'd have so much ass from the priest, dude. I would be killing it in the church.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely. Put it right in your holy spirit. You know, let's talk about the dark side of Roman Schmidt. Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Cheese Louise. What's some of the meanest or nastiest things you think you've ever done in your life? What pops in your head? Naughty boy. Roman Schmidt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, sometimes when I struggle to sleep at night, I'll sit on the balcony, my apartment, and I'll shoot a gel blaster at the homeless walking by.

[Brian Redban]

Have you ever thought that maybe they're on to you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it started after them calling me that. So everything's tied to the homeless with.

[Brian Redban]

Like, have you, you ever taken one down to the rainy street bridge, perhaps?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know yet. You guys gotta find out. Wait till. But that wasn't great. Good riff by me. That was good riff. No, it's just, you know, late at night, trying to sleep. I'm close to it. They're walking by. They piss me off sometimes, so.

[Brian Redban]

How do they piss you off just walking by?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Call me a faggot. That was.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, they just. Even in the dark end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Poorly. I've never said that word that much in my life, so. And now 2 million people are going to see this. And my mom, so.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, frick. And your priests back home in Wisconsin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, this is going to be cool. It's going to be awesome.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, no doubt about it. So we've seen the light. We've seen the dark side of Roman. Well, what about that 22 year old love life? Prove to us you're not a. Tell us something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't. I can't.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wish, wish I could, but I. Yeah, I just go out and do standup every night, so I just, I'm not even like even thinking, ladies, at this point. You don't do the apps or anything like that? I do, but then I just go on there and I just start criticizing profiles and stuff. I'm not a good person.

[Brian Redban]

What app are you on? What are you on? Plenty of faggots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'll download Hinge and be like, why do we pick this picture and stuff?

[Brian Redban]

Have you been on a single date in Austin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I've been a couple and that was about.

[Brian Redban]

Where did you meet those girls at?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was doing an open mic at Nar Bar and her friend told me she was cute. So I Was, like, guaranteed to get a number this time. So I went.

[Brian Redban]

How did that work out? What did you do with that girl?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We went and got food a couple times, I guess this famous food place on the other side of the river by, like, the park or whatever. Burger place, but nothing too special.

[Brian Redban]

Did you land a kiss or anything like that on the back of her PT Cruiser?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, the front of it, but no, not with her. I kiss some other chick, but that was.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not that interesting. Yeah. Who was the kid? The chick that you did kiss? Some. Some random. Some blonde. Random girl. Yes. That's cool.

[Brian Redban]

Where'd you meet her at?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On 6th Street. It was just walking down the street. Yeah. We made eye contact, and she just kept. And I was like, well, I guess she's interested. I'll try to get a number. And then. Same thing. I fucking feel like we're looking at a future serial killer. Yeah. I wish that was the first time someone told me that. I really do. Because it's a nice facade, and there's some real darkness in there, man.

[Brian Redban]

No, this is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone thinks I'm such an innocent person, and then I Show them my TikTok reels, and it's just people dying all the time. Whoa. There it is. Yeah, there it is, dude. And the problem is, it's not that it's them dying. It's me laughing. That's. This is the good stuff. Keep talking. Keep talking. Yeah, like, one time I was watching Saving Private Ryan with my dad. Yeah. And I laughed at that. At the. All the deaths. The whole movie. Yeah, the whole movie. That's a fucking real knee slapper, right? I know. It's my dad. When they stormed Normandy and shit. Well, what really got me is I don't know if anyone watches the background, but one guy lost his arm and then was just casually looking for it. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's funny. That's funny. Yeah. Like, no one. And I was like, that's hilarious, and I was laughing a little too hard. Just don't forget how fucking dark you really are. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All this nice fucking Madison boy bullshit that you start with, with let it go, because you are a sick, demented person. Yeah. And that's what you got to lean into. You're a dark individual.

[Brian Redban]

I. Yeah, it is great advice. I completely agree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Two sides of this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This kid's up, man. Well, the thing is, I know that, but everyone just looks at me like, le approachable.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, no, she's like homeless. People keep calling me a. When I'm choking them unconscious. You got a big joke book last time you were on. Correct, Correct. And there you go. Roman Schmidt, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. You're not going to invite him to your little show? Wow, look at you playing hard to get over there. Ladies and gentlemen, it must be that time. One of the most esteemed regulars in the show's history, I present to you the force of nature that is Cam Patterson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm trying to act this shit. I've been going to auditions. I ain't got shit yet. They don't want me. They want a different nigga. Every time I apply for roles.

[Brian Redban]

They always.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just can't be nobody but myself. I applied to be a British nigga a couple days ago, so that didn't.

[Brian Redban]

Go good at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, pimp, pimp, cheerio, fuck nigga. Like, don't do that. Tear crumpets, pussy. It wasn't a good time. I also don't make good decisions. I recently told you I bought a 2003 Acura and that was a dumb ass choice. I shouldn't have did that. I do like my car though. My car dope. I like it a lot. My car is pretty cool. Cause my car like a thug. You feel what I'm saying? Like old cars are thugs. In my mind, my car was in when Tupac got shot. It's seen a lot of shit. New cars is pussy. Real shit. Like a 2024 car. Pussy as hell, dog. If you could lock in a Tesla, it probably beep a lot before you put your seatbelt on. Please, please put your seat belt on. You gonna die. And that 03 Acura, if I don't put a seatbelt on. Fuck, nigga. You wanna die? Let's die, brother. I been trying to die a long time. Let's go, nigga.

[Brian Redban]

There he is. He's done it again. It is true. Everything you said is true. The new cars is pussy. I took some notes here. They beep, beeping, they beeping. They be beeping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My car don't beep for shit, bro. It don't even tell me when the gas getting low. You see the sign, you see the needle bits. I wanna eat pussy, feed me. They don't tell me nothing.

[Brian Redban]

I like that though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it a lot, bro. It just broke down a couple days ago. It probably pissed me off, but I gotta start that bitch with a screwdriver now. But I'm having a good time. Wow. Yeah. I like it though.

[Brian Redban]

Is that cause you stole it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Oh no, I didn't steal it. It's not a stolen car. I bought the car. It might be stolen from somebody else.

[Brian Redban]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it's my car now.

[Brian Redban]

I love it. That's a newer car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's an old 3 acronym.

[Brian Redban]

It really is an 03 acro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Think I'm playing this real.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People think I'll be playing because I bought a otra.

[Brian Redban]

You stay true to your roots. And by roots, I mean the movie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If y'all don't know that's a slave movie.

[Brian Redban]

White people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If y'all haven't watched it, a lot of y'all didn't laugh. That was pretty funny. I was like, oh, what's going. What's going on here? Root is a slave movie. You understand that, Tyler? Hell, yeah. It's good. That's a Tyler right there. That's definitely a Tyler. Like a damn show a Tyler. I know a Tyler when I see one, for sure. Hell, yeah. And that's Armando right there.

[Brian Redban]

That is Armando B. You're close. What is your actual name, sir?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris. Oh, shit.

[Brian Redban]

What's your middle name? Clemente. Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Long, close, nigga.

[Brian Redban]

Chris Rodriguez. Not Garcia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They tried to hide that in the beginning, but you can't. You can't. Can't hide that for long, brother. You mess again. My. Hell yeah. That's hard. That good.

[Brian Redban]

Chris Clemente.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Garcia.

[Brian Redban]

The old switch was real, dude. I think that's probably the reason why you need a screwdriver to start your car. Old Clemente. Garcia in there trying to get it started. I love it, man. That's some amazing. Have you really been going on an audition? So you have to send him in on tape out here for this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I. I've been trying. I've been trying a little bit, but I just sound like me. That's the problem.

[Brian Redban]

You what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just sound like me, so I can't. It's hard. It's tough.

[Brian Redban]

You shouldn't have to audition. I mean, I don't know. This is crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to talk.

[Brian Redban]

We're going to talk after.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He be like, baby, do this. Sh.

[Brian Redban]

Say, les.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I try to be a waiter. Like, what's up? Put Z on your food. You wanted a cheese wedge. Here you go.

[Brian Redban]

So you are a superstar. They shouldn't have you auditioning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't be knowing.

[Brian Redban]

You should be writing roles around you or nothing at all. You shouldn't be wasting your time for these Hollywood nerds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be nice.

[Brian Redban]

We need a. We need a urban character looking for a young Kevin Hart. Type. It's just crazy that your fucking stupid manager has you doing stupid shit like that. It's unbelievable. But here's a little behind the scenes for you guys is fucking Cam's a superstar. He's a draw. He can sell tickets at any point in any city, at any time. So these managers and agents, they fucking cling on and they go, I can help you. I can get you a super deal. Just give me 10% of your ticket sales and I got you. And then they have you exhausting yourself sending in tapes. Who's video recording these? Which friend on your couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got a tripod issue.

[Brian Redban]

So you're doing it yourself?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Who's reading with you? Oh, Asana, by the people in the club. Okay. Asana. Derek and shit.

[Brian Redban]

Hasan and Derek and shit. Yeah, Very cool. What's like the. Is it mostly just that is like, what are the characters doing that you're reading for one of them?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was all trying to be a moose in the show.

[Brian Redban]

A moose?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. But I couldn't do, like. I couldn't do a moose voice.

[Brian Redban]

It was like, for an animated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I mean, not like a fucking head. Now we're gonna make me a moose today. That's crazy.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know. Tyler Perry's out there making a whole bunch of crazy shit. Tyler Perry goes to Antarctica. Hey, what up, Cosby? Beeping and I need move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could really be like a Broadway actor. I feel that, though. For real?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Let. You wanna do some lines? Do some line or something?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, let's do a scene.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the was that red, man? That Law and Order? This is a Hollywood detective.

[Brian Redban]

Doctor. You want to be a doctor?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor.

[Brian Redban]

I'm like. You guys got any doctor music over there? Am I. I'm the patient.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you patient.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Oh, man, I've just been waiting for this doctor. Why do they always take so long? It seems like some kind of scam or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's up?

[Brian Redban]

Are you to gang? Oh, you got to be kidding me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, there's no way. You're the document.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I went to a lot of medical school for this, man. It's been a long time coming.

[Brian Redban]

Where did you go to medical school, sir?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bethune Cookman University.

[Brian Redban]

I will die before you talk to me any longer, Doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, hold on. Wait. I got you. I got your results back.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you got cancer. Fuck, niggas. You dying.

[Brian Redban]

Well, Dr. Dre, thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was exactly how Christina found Out.

[Brian Redban]

Hello? Babe? Yeah. Bad news. I just got back from the doctor. I cancer the pancreatitis dough. Oh, hey, what that sound is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the. The.

[Brian Redban]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that me?

[Brian Redban]

That is you after breaking your arm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. And. And tendon. Both. Don't forget double whammy.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. It is unbelievable. One more time. We sometimes use it when the topic of gay sex comes up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It sounds really good. Every sound gay.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you, Doctor. So unprofessional. Yo, that gay as that's your gay hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It felt gay, too.

[Brian Redban]

Cam, you are unbelievable. Week after week after week. Your energy, your sense of humor, it's off the charts. One more time for Cam. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's great, man.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, he's unbelievable. Taking over the world, bunch of girls, great stuff coming around the corner from him. But back to the bucket we go. We found him out of the bucket. The next Cam Patterson could be next. Make some noise for Mike Ivey. We're gonna meet him all together here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, Comedy mothership. Oh, my God. Austin, Texas. New home of standup comedy. Love it. Great to be here. Only way this place could be better if there was a Chick fil a here. Love a Chick fil A. Chick fil A. Oh, my God. Religion has done some bad stuff, but Chick fil a is not one of them. Am I right? Huh? Oh, yeah. Love it. Why can't there be more fast food restaurants based on an actual cult? Come on. Get some Scientology tacos. Yummy. Huh? How about a Jehovah's Witness doordash? Come on. Oh, fuck. The food's here. God damn it. Fucking Jehovah's Witness doordash is here. This burger tastes like Jehovah. Shut up. Nobody wants a. I like to go to Chick Fil A and tempt the faithful. You know, walk up there. How about we open this bitch up on a Sunday? What do you think? Yeah? Yeah? No? All right. How about. Let me get a number six. Number six and another number six. Make my sandwiches upside down. If you do that at a Chick fil a. If you do that at a Chick fil a. Free holy water with every order. Thank you very much. My name's Mike Ivey. Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

So stupid, but it was. It did make me laugh a lot there at the end. The possessed Chick fil a customer, Mike Red Ban, had a real fucking. I mean, just abruptly, just furious. Because he is our senior fast fast food correspondent. And it is an extremely well known fact. And I think you know where I'm going here. You're looking like you're trying to think or be curious. But you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I understand.

[Brian Redban]

You know exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I understand Wendy's.

[Brian Redban]

Don't you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wendy's?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

There's a Chick fil a two and a half blocks away from here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I know.

[Brian Redban]

In fact, breaking news. Michael Gonzalez, Will you hold that up? The entire crew ate Chick fil A.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before you goddamn right. Because Jesus is Lord. That's right. I'm sorry, what?

[Brian Redban]

No, you're right. Jesus is Lord. But, you know, how long have you lived in Austin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About three years.

[Brian Redban]

About three years. And, you know, so there's a way to get into that same thing by saying that it's right here down the street. Have you ever looked for a Chick Fil A?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Yeah. I was gonna do another joke, but then I didn't have any water back there. And that joke requires me to do a lot of breath work, and I'm not gonna do that.

[Brian Redban]

The joke that you were gonna do requires you to do a lot of breath work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

There was no water back there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No water back there.

[Brian Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was. Heidi had a liquid death back there. But I didn't want to do that because that would be creepy. And my dream.

[Brian Redban]

So I was like, wait, that would be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heidi had a liquid death back there. And I was like, can I have that liquid Death? And then it was like, I think that's Heidi's. And I was like, I want it so much. But no, I see. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

It was an already open can of Liquid Death.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She kissed it with her mouth whole.

[Brian Redban]

I don't think that that actually happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. That is a fact. I did not lie.

[Brian Redban]

You saw her kiss.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a liquid death back there. I said, can I have some of that Liquid death? Because I'm ingenious.

[Brian Redban]

What did you ask?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I asked the guy who was the assistant.

[Brian Redban]

And you're like, can I have some of that open liquid death?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I asked for water first, and then they were like, I don't have any water. And I'm like, God damn it, I want some water. Cause I wanna do my joke. And there was liquid death there. And I'm like, can I have that liquid Death there? And they were like, that's Heidi. So I was like, oh, that'd be super creepy.

[Brian Redban]

Just not a few cans of water back there. In case someone that just ran across the street loses their fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God, I got somebody fired.

[Brian Redban]

No, it's a good thing to have that. If we don't, sometimes I have to go through it. We have a can of water anywhere. Oh, here it comes, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for little Christie, everybody. One of the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Redban]

Adorable squad members here. Yoni's right hand woman. Here's a fresh can of liquid death. We had Heidi squirt in it right before. Go ahead, drink some water there. Oh, you might want to move that tab back a little bit. Got caught on your very normal sized lips. Totally normal. Nothing different about those lips.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bacon sore.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my gosh, Red. Ben, you've outed us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so wait, are you saying. Cause I was trying to figure this out here. You're saying that you did know that there are the chick Fil a here? Oh, well, I couldn't think of it at the time. I was like. I changed my joke at the last second. Oh, okay. The Chick Fil A joke has been doing well, so I was like, I'll do the Chick Fil A joke. Whatever. That's what I. You know. Do you normally do that joke in a city that does? Cause your setup was, they gotta have a chick. They should have a chick fil a here. I was trying to make it in the moment, right? So I was like, oh, hey, how's it going? Good to be here, you know? Cause it is good to be here. And it would take a second for me to get used to my fucking cadence because I'm a fucking weirdo, you guys.

[Brian Redban]

You don't need that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

And you said you did the Chick fil a joke because you were doing good. Is that what you said?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, I did the chick Fil A joke because it was my backup joke. I called up Peyton Manning audible. I was like, omaha, I fucking pulled out.

[Brian Redban]

Peyton Manning wins when he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

That was a seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a solid seven.

[Brian Redban]

This is a fun episode where the people are arguing about how good they did. That's a very rare treat. No, Tony, I did good. These are not the. These are not the Jedi you're looking for. Oh, yeah. Here's a big joke book. You're regular now. I'm retarded. Great stuff. It's totally working, everybody. Oh, wow, look at this. It's the. All right. Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry. Sorry.

[Brian Redban]

All right. So how long. How long you been on standup?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, too long. 14 years. I started. Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa, whoa. 14 years of okey dokey. Where have you been doing 14 years of standup at?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I told the story before, but I started out in Cleveland, Ohio. I started out because I was doing speech therapy.

[Brian Redban]

You told this story here before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't Tell this story. This part of the story I did not tell.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I started out doing comedy as speech therapy because I couldn't be in a room full of people. I couldn't talk in front of people. I said, I need to fight this demon. I went to exposure therapy, standup comedy. One of the hardest things to do. People don't like talking in front of people. I was funny. I know how to write, but I couldn't talk, so I started doing standup comedy. So I was medically bad at standup comedy. And then eventually, people noticed my writing. As I got better, I started getting paid. I went to Pickwick and Frolic in Cleveland, Ohio. I've worked there. I've been on that stage more than any other comedian in history. I stayed there way too long.

[Brian Redban]

Was an open mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no. I started working there. My first time was an open mic.

[Brian Redban]

Hilarities.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Nick Casas. Yep. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

And you were on that stage more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Than what, any other comedian in history?

[Brian Redban]

Who told you that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know how I know I was there more than any other standup comedian in history?

[Brian Redban]

How?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause I was there more than any other standup comedian in history. Tony. I was there way too much. I know what the fries talk. I know everything about that club. I know where the bodies are hid. You know what I mean? Like, I know where there was a rat there one time. I know a whole thing. I've been there way too much. I, I, I over committed to that club. I loved it. You know, whatever.

[Brian Redban]

You ever have a tbi?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[Brian Redban]

What's TVI exactly? It's a traumatic brain injury.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, maybe.

[Brian Redban]

Actually, maybe you recognize this song. It's the TBI song that actually may have happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean? How does it maybe h. How do you know? When I was kid, I. When I was a kid, I bumped my head.

[Brian Redban]

You got a tv? The best damn band in the land, flexing their improvisational skills. How did you two just do that at the same time?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like that?

[Brian Redban]

You guys, like, wrote that? Holy shit. My goodness gracious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This place fucking rules.

[Brian Redban]

By the way, we know we're here every Monday. This is what we do. Goddamn right, but welcome. You might be at a chick fil a next week going, man, I just wish I was in a city where there was a kil. Tony tape. Mike, before I let you go, anything else crazy about your life that would surprise us. You ever do anything nuts? You have any special skills or talents other than being the most comedian at Hilarities in Cleveland ever, which is very Highly up for debate, but we're going to let you have it. It existed for decades before you were ever there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it did. Yes, it did.

[Brian Redban]

Did you ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But they need a black comedian that can cross over. It's very interesting how politics work at comedy clubs.

[Brian Redban]

Not here. No, I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please like me. Oh, my God. Please.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't get a little joke book. Can I get a little one, please?

[Brian Redban]

You don't get to ask for it. But you know what? Since you asked, we're gonna give you an extra tiny one. There he goes. There it is. Mike Ivey, ladies and gentlemen. He did indeed put it in his mouth. I sob. I'm just not gonna give him the unbelievable attention that he craves. One more time for Mike, everybody. Ooh la la. Heidi's trying to get me liquored up over here. We got another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Patrick Cassidy, everybody. Patrick. Patrick Cassidy. Here we go. Here's Patrick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mothership. What is up? So happy to be here. Anybody else ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 17 times. Gets awkward after four or five. That's stupid. It's kind of my fault. The first time they asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I was like, I want to watch. So I've never wanted a bike more in my life. Speaking of awkward birthdays, I just turned 5019 months ago. Turning 50 is not so bad though. There's this new thing called FFBS. Have you guys heard of this? 50 Year Old Fuckboys? No. Nobody.

[Brian Redban]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been trying to get this going for 19 months, actually. Here's some bad news, guys. My dad died recently. I've been having a hard time trying to talk about it with my black friends because I don't want to think I'm appropriating their culture by not having a black father. I'm just kidding. I don't have any black friends. That's my time, guys. Thank you so much.

[Brian Redban]

Patrick Cassidy, welcome to the show, Patrick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

[Brian Redban]

How long you been doing standup?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is my 20th time.

[Brian Redban]

20Th time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

3 months. About 3 months.

[Brian Redban]

3 months. So 20 times in 3 months. What made you want to start now? 51.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

51 years old. Correct.

[Brian Redban]

What made you start now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My dad and I.

[Brian Redban]

It's okay. Tell the real story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. I don't want to cry though.

[Brian Redban]

My dad got real sick. If you cry, it'll make the whole audience fall in love with you. It'll be great, trust me. Just look out there to the people. Don't just turn towards me. Lift up your hat a little bit, Patrick. There you go. Now tell us why you started.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My dad had a stroke right after the vaccine.

[Brian Redban]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I've been taking care of him for the last three years, 24 7. And he made me promise. We always watch Kill Tony together. It's one of the things that we did every Monday. And a lot of. A lot of standup comedy, just. We didn't want to cry, we wanted to laugh. So he made me promise when he passed that I'd come out here and I'd do this. And he passed in April. So I bought a RV and a truck and I towed it out here about two months ago, and I've been signing up ever since.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. That's an amazing fucking story. Wow. Yeah, I guess. I mean, unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You fucking changed your life. Life do this. Yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, I'm actually. I'm leaving on the 10th to go back to Sacramento and sell my house and then I'm moving back out here. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

So. Huh. Wow. I have a couple questions here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're crazy.

[Brian Redban]

How soon after he got this? Totally trust the science.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Vaccine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One week. One week. He had a massive stroke.

[Brian Redban]

One week afterwards and coincidentally, as safe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As it was, lost his ability to walk. 24 7. Wheelchair. I defeat him.

[Brian Redban]

Isn't it funny how we hear stories like that all the time on this show, but you never hear it from the mainstream media at all? But with real human beings, with real lives, we hear it here all the time. So interesting. What an anomaly, Kil. Tony draws people that draws a certain type of people that talk about injuries from a vaccine that many companies and government think made mandatory for humans to get. How crazy is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I didn't get it. So I'm no nanobots. I don't know what's in there. But.

[Brian Redban]

Right. So one week later, your dad has a stroke. And you said that. He said that when I die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. He made me promise, come out here.

[Brian Redban]

You'Ll go do Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because I'd watch Kill Tony every week and I'd be like, oh, Austin's the place for comedy, man. I gotta get out there. I gotta get out there.

[Brian Redban]

So do you think that that's because he didn't want to see you stand up? That he would request that when he. Only after.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's been watching my standup since I was 6 years old. So he's a big fan. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

So he's been watching you be a funny guy for a Long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You have brothers and sisters?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A bunch of steps, but nothing. Half brother in Canada that I go see.

[Brian Redban]

A bunch of steps. That's Red Band's worst nightmare. So you bought an RV specifically to come to Austin, Texas. Tell us about this RV. Describe to us what did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a 30 footer.

[Brian Redban]

What did you give us?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

9.

[Brian Redban]

Where'd you come from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sacramento.

[Brian Redban]

Sacramento. So you buy the RV in Sacramento and you drove it all the way here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I bought a truck in my dad's name because it got a better interest rate.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah, definitely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talk about your crimes. Good. It's fine. I'm giving it back. Soon as I get back to Sacramento, they understand.

[Brian Redban]

That's good. Put it in your dad's name. That's a stroke of genius.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Way better interest rate. Way better interest rate. Stroke of genius. Now I just got that.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Tell us more about the rv. Does it have any special features or weird things about it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's pretty standard. My dog. I have a dog. So that's why I got an RV and didn't want to just come out here and rent a hotel or something. So my dog's chilling back in the RV and I know it's nice.

[Brian Redban]

Leave the air conditioning on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

247 seems like a long, terrible place to leave a dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's 71 degrees in that RV right now, so.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's nice. Nice. So what was with the. Yeah, you go. I turned 50. Yeah. 19 months ago. Yeah. Like some old broad. Like, that's like my aunt's joke about her age. Are you like, I don't want anyone to know I'm 50. Like I was telling people I was two and a half score, but I think they got the wrong idea. Yeah. Do you care that like that you're 51? No. No. Yeah. You can't. I mean, look, you're 20 times in.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you know you're gonna do perfect time to start stand up. Right. Well, no, it's horrible. It's one of the worst decisions a person can make. But yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah, this is. I mean, this most likely will go terribly, but 20 times in means you're like a fetus. Like you've absolutely 100% I do. Hundreds and hundreds of times. But as somebody who's seeing you on your 20th time, you don't have to be like, I'm not really 51. You know, like just. Yeah, it's a stupid joke. I'll kill it. Yeah. Kill it tonight. Let it die. Never Tell that joke again.

[Brian Redban]

The good news is, when you did that joke, your father actually rolled in his grave. So there was some movement seen there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I got him in the trailer, actually. Tony. He's in an urn, so. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

I thought you were gonna say he's in the 71 degree RV right now. Incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it's bold that you're doing this. That is bold. And you're doing what you want to do. And I think. Thank you, Tom.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. That is amazing stuff. You set a goal. You're doing it. So you're planning on staying in Austin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm. I have to leave on the 10th, but I'm gonna just go back, sell my house, and then I'm gonna come back here.

[Brian Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. What were you doing before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before my dad. Yeah. Joke. I was doing insurance. Pretty boring. Yeah. Terrible, Horrible life.

[Brian Redban]

Terrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good money, horrible life.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing. Amazing. It's amazing. Insurance. What. What insurance company?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pnc. Basically, you know, home and auto.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, pnc.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Property and casualty.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. All right, well, how about wife, kids, anything?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ex. Wife. She just actually flew out here and visited me for while I was out here.

[Brian Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

She give you some of that? Ex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, we're just friends now.

[Brian Redban]

So you just what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're just friends.

[Brian Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

And do anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, you've done it a thousand times. What do you.

[Brian Redban]

What are you into now? What are you doing now? You invite a girl back to the rv?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did take a girl back to the RV from a comedy club.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not too long ago, your dog. On the back of my motorcycle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jane came off on the way home on the motorcycle, too. It was pretty embarrassing.

[Brian Redban]

Wait, what'd you say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she's a bitter, a little bit bigger girl, so.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Chain came off on the way home on the motorcycle. I had to stop, put the chain back. The chain came off.

[Brian Redban]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The fucking suspension snapped. She was off the chain. She was off the chain.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know who you are? Like how you said, a little bit bigger girl, A little bit bigger than me. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Really? Bigger than you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I was kidding. I was kidding. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. All right, Patrick. Well, you know what? I love the fucking story. The set was very, very, very okay, but not bad for 20 times. But all the amazing stuff that you said, I'm giving you a big joke book made by the Great Bones, everybody. It's real Texas leather with a lot lifetime guarantee. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? Let's get a couple more Quick sets. Make some noise for this bucket pool. Scotty. Heim. Scotty Heim. Scotty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How we doing, Austin? So I'm from the Midwest and senior year of high school, I had a buddy of mine move from Compton to Iowa. And you know, it's tough in Iowa when Compton's just a little better. He moved back after two years battling potholes. He decided to go back and fight the Bloods. He's a Crip from Compton and it was better to fight the Bloods than live in Iowa.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does anybody here have conservative friends that love Latinas? It would make you think the border situation is a little less than a crisis. Like the ideal situation would be like Mexican glory hol. Like, I'll fuck you, but stay on that side of the wall, you know? Thank you, guys.

[Brian Redban]

Scotty. There you go. Hi, Scotty. How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good. How you doing, Tony?

[Brian Redban]

This is your first time on the show, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. First time in Austin.

[Brian Redban]

I love it. Where are you visiting from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From Quad Cities. Yep. Iowa.

[Brian Redban]

And how long have you been in town?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since Friday.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. You done anything fun? Anything good happen?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Most fun thing we've done is go to a gay bar, so.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. What happened at the gay bar?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a great time.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. No Tony jokes. He wasn't there. Promise.

[Brian Redban]

I was, but it was. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead.

[Brian Redban]

Why don't you tell us what actually happened at the gay bar, Scott?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't tell you. I don't remember the name of it. But three stories.

[Brian Redban]

You had so much fun that you don't remember?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I forgot. I mean, you know, you do all.

[Brian Redban]

That and what did you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dance. I hopped in the dance circle.

[Brian Redban]

What song did you dance to? Do you remember that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of them.

[Brian Redban]

All of them, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you want to tell us something else? I got tons of loads of stories to tell you, Tom. Nice. Very nice. Loads of stories.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, we heard that. Yeah, we heard that. So you go to a gay bar, you dance. How does the night end?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In a hotel room with my best buddy sharing a king size bed. He. He organized it.

[Brian Redban]

Perfect timing. A red band from three point range.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. You can't. You can't beat that. That was perfect.

[Brian Redban]

No, that was absolutely perfect. So how many buddies were in this king size bed?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just me and one.

[Brian Redban]

Just you and Juan?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said buddies.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Sorry. So it was one. It was just one. Yeah. I promise I'm straight. I promise. You don't have to be. I don't have to be, but I promise I am. And you and your buddy. Buddy? Do you do this frequently? Do you guys do this a lot? Pillow between the two of us. But you guys go to gay bars a lot for fun. That was my first time. And yeah, very impressed I will be returning.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, I would argue that putting a pillow in between you and your buddy makes it more gay than not having a pillow there at all. Like, you guys need to actually build a fucking little fort. Blockade to fucking keep your dicks away from each other's asses. That's what it takes. Is a physical wall a barrier or we don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, yeah. After a night at multiple gay bars, like. Like, man, the temptation is just growing right now. Just one game bar. Just one. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

But it was three stories. You said it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we. We ventured to each story.

[Brian Redban]

I bet you did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like you were teasing the boys that night. That's what the smile says. No, no, no, no, no.

[Brian Redban]

Tease.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were not teasing. I don't tease.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, you, please. Okay. But you were. Dan. Who were you. Were you dancing with some guys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, I was.

[Brian Redban]

You were just dancing by yourself?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was. There were groups and I got introduced to the circle.

[Brian Redban]

You guys were. You were doing the Electric slide there. Yes. Was it like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a lot of friction in the electric slide.

[Brian Redban]

Why don't we see. Why don't you guys give me a little gay music here and let's see what. Oh, the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the.

[Brian Redban]

Look at the horn voice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. No, I think we went.

[Brian Redban]

No, don't sing. Dance. Don't sing. They got the music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We conquer.

[Brian Redban]

No, stop singing. Listen to me. No, keep playing. Keep playing. Don't sing, just dance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No dance.

[Brian Redban]

Here he is. Gay dancing, ladies and gentlemen, Scotty Heim. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. All right, Scotty. That's enough. That's enough. Wow. Master improviser. Scotty Heim there with some gay miming. The old gay mime routine. So what do you do for work, Scotty?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I work for Coca Cola.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, well, not anymore. Unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're inclusive.

[Brian Redban]

What do you do at Coca Cola?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm in sales.

[Brian Redban]

So. Amazing. The band is dying of laughter right now. I'm not sure what's going on back there. They must know something. I think something fell out of your butt when you were dancing. So you're working at Coca Cola, Living in Iowa. Why do you stay in Iowa? What's the point of doing such a thing? You went to the university there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Born and raised.

[Brian Redban]

And you stay there. What do. What do you do? You just like milk and corn flakes. What's going on Corn flakes and milk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't beat that combination, first of all. Second of all. My God, I hate it.

[Brian Redban]

Very special TBI Episode of Kill Tony, this is absolutely incredible. You fell off a trampoline when you were a kid, bumped your head, am I correct?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

But you have hit your head very hard before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Brian Redban]

Yes. What was that, a car accident? No, a four wheeling accident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Farming equipment. Farming equipment.

[Brian Redban]

It was farming equipment. No, you're just lying to us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A baseball bat.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. What happened with the bat? What happened with the baseball bat?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

What happened with the baseball bat?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not too many head injuries, to be honest. I. You know in baseball how you do the cool like baseball bat moves. I tried that one time and I literally struck the back of my head with my own bat. Wow, that's like one of the dumbest ways you can do that.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have dumber.

[Brian Redban]

Have you ever thought about surrounding yourself at all times with pillows?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why me and my buddy put one between us.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, that's right. How old are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm 24. And how long you been doing standing? This is my 20th time. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Wait, that's a second 20th time. That is unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did hear that. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I mean, what are the absolute odds of that? Incredible. Did your father have a stroke after the vaccine?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, he just stroked my mother.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. There you go, your first joke. You know what? You know what I'm gonna do just cause of that? I'm gonna put down the little joke book and I'm gonna pick up a big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Appreciate it.

[Brian Redban]

There you go. You got one joke at the end. There he goes. He slid into home plate, just stroked my mother. Scotty Hine. All right, let's go with one last bucket pull here, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Pat Bautista, everybody. Pat Bautista. Make some noise for him. These people waited all day, everybody. I just moved here three weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I like it. It's great. Your moths. The moths, they're big and they're intimidating.

[Brian Redban]

And I think if they were.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If they could.

[Brian Redban]

If they could speak like English, they'd say bro a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I don't get along with the moths here.

[Brian Redban]

They're way too big and they're just too much. Okay, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look, I came here to cleanse my. The LA out of me.

[Brian Redban]

I grew up in LA and like, it's gonna be a rough road. When I was third grade, my teacher used to force us to watch his acting reel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he did not have any lines. He just.

[Brian Redban]

He had like a Thick mustache and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hair plugs and we just kind of look where he goes and you.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. I want to. Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Bautista here with the Austin Moth Report. Pretty sure what you're seeing are bats. Pretty sure those are bats. What's up with that whale? I saw a big moth. You saw a big moth? Perhaps a butterfly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a moth.

[Brian Redban]

How do you know it's a moth? Talking to the tip of that microphone. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It could have been like a baby.

[Brian Redban]

Owl, but it was big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looked moth like, you know, it was the same color.

[Brian Redban]

There's huge moths out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For sure.

[Brian Redban]

There's some big moths. Yeah, I see them all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like one, like this big. Looked like a little hummingbird almost.

[Brian Redban]

Where do you see these moths? Up north? Yeah, up north.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's crazy.

[Brian Redban]

On the outside of your window. They come on the patio and they just sit there and it's scary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're huge.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they have. They got big eye met big guy energy too.

[Brian Redban]

They just don't move. They don't like. Are you getting bullied by moths? Dude, this guy. It's unbelievable, these people. What do the moths ever do to you? What do they do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. They just don't. I don't like their attitude.

[Brian Redban]

They just don't. They don't move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're just like. You're there and they don't even like, get scared. They're just like, yeah, I'm here. I don't like moths that. I kicked them ass.

[Brian Redban]

But it looked like a blood. Like a murder scene if you hit. You've killed one before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I was, you know, I don't know. They're big. I don't.

[Brian Redban]

You know, killing a moth is bad luck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, is it?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it's 10 years bad luck. Especially if you're Filipino. What ethnicity are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Filipino?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Damn, that's terrible. I cannot believe that you're Filipino. That is shocking to me. Even though you're built like Manny Pacquiao's left leg. This is amazing. How long have you been trying stand up comedy, pat? It's about 10.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's about 10 years. Whoa, whoa.

[Brian Redban]

No way. 10 years? Are you kidding? Yes. Okay. How long have you been doing standup? Let's just answer honestly. It's been about 10 years. Start talking like a fucking moth, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here I am.

[Brian Redban]

I know I'm really big. Don't kill. Pat. Pat Bautista, please show me some mercy. All right, 10 years. Where have you been doing it for 10 years?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In LA.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah? Where in LA? The Comedy Store. Open Mics? Where at? Yeah, I mean, for all we know, you could be a main room regular at the Comedy Store, right? Are you on the ark the way. Okay, that's only funny to us. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, that's how I did kill Tony. You did kill Tony Three times in a row. And then the fourth time, I was too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, that was the third time. I was too messed up to get up.

[Brian Redban]

You were too messed up to get up. What happened there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Comedy Store.

[Brian Redban]

Weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That. It surprised me, and then I went into the parking lot, and I just stayed in my car because I didn't. I thought the windows were. I don't know. I just couldn't.

[Brian Redban]

And I was really stoned. Something surprised me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you smoke weed before this set? Huh? You did. You smoked some weed before this set? No, you.

[Brian Redban]

You sound like the police.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, I just want the. You know, the answer. Yes, I did. Okay. All right, cool. But I couldn't handle the ones that I. Yeah, no, no, because it's. I actually think it's obvious. You've been on stage a lot. You're very comfortable on stage. But then when you were just like, I'm gonna talk about moths, I was like, okay. I didn't know how it worked.

[Brian Redban]

I didn't know if I get out and just go to my jokes. So I just went with whatever was. You said that you've done this show three times before in Los Angeles. The format has never changed, not for a single episode. So when you say you didn't know, what do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been a while, so I don't really. I don't.

[Brian Redban]

You watch the show? I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't remember. Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

When I was out there and you heard other people before you. Right. You were back there, but you didn't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I got a little add and so I don't. Certain things don't soak in the brain. My brain sometimes. Do you only do stand up high. Be honest.

[Brian Redban]

No, I just start. Well, I mean, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm trying to stop.

[Brian Redban]

That's the reason why I'm like, you're trying to stop a what? Comedy? No, weed. Weed. Doing. Com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doing.

[Brian Redban]

Doing comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Weed. We doing comedy.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, I believe Cam said that earlier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Too much weed. Doing comedy.

[Brian Redban]

Weed be doing comedy. So, Pat, I mean, so many questions. The longer this interview goes, the more questions I have. What is. Why is it so hard for you to wait until after you're set to smoke marijuana? Why not do your work and then reward yourself?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is stressful. Waiting out there. But I'm going to change because that's the plan. Definitely. No, I am. You gotta channel. This was just the week. You gotta channel some of that nervousness and anxiety into the performance. And don't numb it with anything else. Just do the set and deal with the nerves and the anxiety and all the stress. And then when you get off stage, do it. You'll probably find it like hits way different if you do that.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, there's no question about that. Cheers to that. Taking it head on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause you would have a clear head about like the set you were gonna plan out for this. And you stay focused on it and you come out, do your set, and you'd be tight. Cause it's obvious. I can tell that you've been on stage a lot. I could tell. Like the other fucking lunatics that were out here, I could tell. I could tell they came from the bus stop and I could tell that you've been on stage a lot. But that's the problem. Like, you know, a lot of the guys we start with, like, they would always do shots or drinks, and if it becomes like a crutch for it to deal with it, then it eventually becomes too much, you know, I mean, it overwhelms the performance. So you just, I mean, you're, you're, you're, you're a savvy guy. You're funny, you're naturally charismatic. You're very funny. Thanks. So just. Yeah, just smoke weed when you're done, dude.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. When do you start smoking weed? No doubt about that. You must listen to what Tom just said. You've been doing it 10 years. And I literally thought. When you said, I've been doing it 10 times, I thought you were going to say times because the last two guys have done it 20 times and you're worse than them. Hey, sorry. I know moths be scary and all, but, I mean, you just didn't have me, really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But the wheat, the weed is why you're like. I'm like, fucking. These moths are crazy. Like.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why you did that. What the fuck? Oh my God.

[Brian Redban]

That was fucking good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you didn't even get to your set because, like, your set was starting to go right. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

When do you start smoking? Do you. First of all, can I take a guess here? I'm a long time stoner, but I wait. I tend to wait at least until after I'm done with work. Can I take a wild guess here and say that you smoke out of a water bong? Am I correct. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what got me addicted was the water bong.

[Brian Redban]

Right. During the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The, during lockdown.

[Brian Redban]

That's what got me. Okay. What did you smoke today, for example? Got it. What did you smoke today? A joint. A blunt. It's a very easy question. Okay. A joint. Someone like thinking about strands and fit. It's okay. Where were you when you smoked this joint? Stick with me here, Pat. Very easy questions. Literally couldn't be an easier question. Where did you smoke the weed today? Were you in a car? Were you out back here? You were just out back here? Did they already tell you that you were going up and then you smoked? No. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been waiting out there for a while. I didn't think.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, no, I know, I know. Yeah. Sign up started four hours ago. Yeah, I know. That's when you started smoking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Brian Redban]

And when's the last time that you smoked weed if you had to get. Yes. About an hour ago, two hours ago, or. Ben, four hours ago when you got here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably like an hour ago.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. You smoked a couple times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Just in case. Yeah. It was just not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did not.

[Brian Redban]

I did not think I was gonna get picked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I really did.

[Brian Redban]

I did not think I was going to get picked. I hear a little bit of that Filipino. What do your parents do? What nail salon do they work at? Am I correct?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. What do your parents do for a living? My parents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My mom's dead.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, so she's. That's her job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. That is a full time job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's funny.

[Brian Redban]

That's. That's what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's very funny, bro.

[Brian Redban]

Tom is spot on. You're a funny guy. You just need to not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the other reason. The other reason that you gotta do it after is that if you start to rely on it, the shows get bigger and bigger, the pressure gets higher and higher. And so, like, if you're doing a fucking huge theater and arena, you don't want to have to be like, oh, I got to get it. You know, I'm used to smoking before that. It's going to overwhelm you. You know what I mean? So you got to perform. I mean, I know some people do Perform sober, dude. Perform sober. Get high in the morning if you want to get high when you get off stage.

[Brian Redban]

Well, there you go. That's why I've been telling Red Band to not drink before the show for 11 and a half years. Everybody swears he needs it. Can't go with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He told you Mom, Mom's dead.

[Brian Redban]

What about mom's dead. She died from nail polish poisoning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was no nail polish.

[Brian Redban]

How did mom die? That's Vietnamese, I think. Wait, what'd you say? Vietnamese doing nails. What'd you say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nails. It's like more a Vietnamese Korean. That's right. Your mom was a nurse, right? No, my mom was like a white American.

[Brian Redban]

Mixed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so she was a secretary.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, that makes sense. A white woman job. White woman job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dad, what was your dad?

[Brian Redban]

My dad were works for lax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lax? Okay, at the airport. All right.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. What does a Filipino man do at lax? Baggage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, trafficking. No, she, he does the baggage. Yes.

[Brian Redban]

There's a Filipino guy in charge of directing the traffic. No wonder I'm stuck on the jetway for an hour and a half every time. Oh, way. Going that way. No, this way. This way. No, that way. Shit, I fuck up. Oh, my God. Is that a moth? Oh, no, an airplane. I'm sorry. Airplane. I thought you were big crazy Ma. If your mom is white, your dad has to be 180% Filipino. By the way, how you ended up looking like this? Yeah, it's my dad. Yeah, my dad. Oh, God. I kept you up here. Wait, how long are you in town for?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, I'm staying here.

[Brian Redban]

I live here now. You know, I'd love to give you five minutes on the secret show. Are you serious? You're giving him five minutes and the 22 year old guy that kills every time? You know, I, I love the moth material. I, I, Yeah, there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Want you to check his eyes first before he gets out of stage. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Before I let you go 10 years of standup. Yeah, you got to have something better than all that moth stuff. How many you think we should hear? His best joke that he's ever written in his entire life, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Red band, very smart. I love what he's pitching to me. Red band says if this joke sucks, you don't get to do the Secret show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man. Oh, man.

[Brian Redban]

But how about this? If it goes good, you get six minutes at the secret show. An extra 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen. Ten years in the game. Here he is with his best joke ever. It could be his short or his whatever is you want. He's really, you could tell. He, he's still trying to think of what his best joke he's ever written is. Ladies and gentlemen, Stoner, the son of a traffic director and a dead white woman. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best joke in 10 years of Pat Bautista.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That one was my top one. Okay, I'm gonna need Some money if you go to only filipinomonkeyfeet.com. i got really long toes and.

[Brian Redban]

I got some bangers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got the one where I got holding a banana with my big toe. And then. And then me. And then me climbing a tree, right?

[Brian Redban]

And then since it was tax season.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where I wrote this joke. You know those cute little calculators. 99 cent store. I got that on the big toe.

[Brian Redban]

And then my W2's on the next.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then the rest receipts with the caption.

[Brian Redban]

I came prepared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So if you got that monkey feet.

[Brian Redban]

Money, I got you. I'm pretty sure this guy's doing six minutes on Thursday. Good enough. The crowd laughed. You should have ended it a minute sooner. But there he goes. What do you. All right. Jesus Christ Almighty. He's got little monkey hands too. Pat Bautista. All right. That was fun, huh? I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen. This is a long awaited return. This guy was out of commission last week. I'm sure he's back just a bundle of energy. He is a kill. Tony hall of Famer. He is the record holder for all time appearances and interviews in the history of the show. Fresh off of more sold out shows. The man is an absolute machine. In fact he is a big red machine indeed. I present to you. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Tijuana Tornado. The Vienna Vaginal vortex. This is Lights Out William Montgomery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just for the record, I'm high as right now, man. Holy shit. Big congratulations to Lizzo. She is now focusing on her health and is lost half of her body weight. Lizzo. I'm sure it feels so much better to be walking around at £450. You big ass bitch. Can't stand you bitch. Somebody told me that hall and Oates broke up. I didn't even realize they were dating. I thought you would like that.

[Brian Redban]

Maybe Tom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shit.

[Brian Redban]

Hey Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you commit when you quit smoking cigarettes and smoke? Start using pouches. Zinfidelity. Look, I'm not saying Red Band has monkeypox. But why is his fiance now calling him Honky Kong? Okay, that's my time.

[Brian Redban]

Hell yes. 55 seconds of thunder and lightning. Only he can do it quite like that. Calling Lizzo a straight up bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, she is nasty. But she is losing weight. So I'm really happy for her. It's going to add years to her life. Wow. Cause the path she was on. I mean that fucking nasty fat bitch.

[Brian Redban]

She was probably dying in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't Know, three fucking years or something. But this will probably at least extend her life.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know, 15, 20.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So be good. It seems like she's real successful right now. So, Tom, it's so nice to see you. It's great to see you, buddy. Tom actually took me out. It's the one time I had asked for so many years if I could open up for people. And, Tom, you were the first kind soul to say yes to me. So I still thank you so much for that. Absolutely. And it happened at a Kill Tony show. It happened. Yes. Only time on Kill Tony. It worked. Yeah, we had fun, man. That was a good time. Yeah, I used to hang out with that Filipino dude all the time at the Comedy Store. We used to do cocaine and drink together. That's not a lie.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, that's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. I used to get fucked up with. I don't. I forgot his name. I don't even know his name. But, yeah, we used to get fucked up all the time at the comedy school. Really? You and him? Yes. I was a mess. I loved it. I love Filipino people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You really did cocaine with him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we did, yeah. There were a number of people, Tony. I would end up being up all night on Monday nights and just going to do blow at different people's apartment. And they were probably lucky I didn't kill them or I was lucky I didn't get killed. I don't know. A lot of people could have been killed in that scenario, but nobody was.

[Brian Redban]

You were a wild boy back in the day. I don't think people remember. And, you know, we've grown a lot the last couple few years. I don't even think these new fans know what you used to be like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I don't think they realize for just a little insider baseball. Every kiltona you've ever seen me at at the Comedy Store, I was high.

[Brian Redban]

On cocaine in my vodka Sprite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every single Kill Tony appearance at the Comedy Store. So you guess, scratch all the advice that I gave. This worked out great, man.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Except this guy hasn't really laughed at anything. I don't know what his fucking issue is. He looks like a fucking little twink over there. He got the little twink table over there, other than that, and that little fucking pussy right over there. But you think I didn't see you, you fucking idiot. Did you think I didn't see you? Tom is. I look up to Tom, so don't fuck with me when he's up on the stage, dumbass. You Must be one of the idiots talking shit or something. I can tell just by you're not.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. This guy's been laughing the whole time, William.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, has he?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it's crazy that you would attack him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kidding. I apologize. Seriously, I'm sorry.

[Brian Redban]

That guy right there with the long hair and glasses hasn't been laughing at all, though. Oh, there he goes. He started smiling at me. Yeah, he looks pretty strange down there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you not been having fun, sir?

[Brian Redban]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Yeah, I could hear you, dumbass. I was just trying to see if I could actually get you to keep on repeating yourself like an idiot. But, yeah. Tony, it is so nice to be back. Yeah, I'm sorry I missed out. I wasn't feeling it. And my voice, even right now, is totally wrecked, so we'll see. I'm at Mall of America this weekend, Tony, so, really looking forward to Mall of America.

[Brian Redban]

What are your plans at the Mall of America?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably get on my rollerblades and skate through that motherfucker like Mighty Ducks. I think I'm gonna go through it like the Mighty Ducks. That's my goal, so I gotta say.

[Brian Redban]

Is that where they were set out of?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think.

[Brian Redban]

Is that true? Were they in Minneapolis?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I think. Right? Red Band? I think so. I think so, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, Red Band. Our senior Mighty Duck correspondent. Wow. So the Mall of America. I've never been to the Mall of America. I've heard about it a lot. Have you been there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. I've done a couple of weekends there at the House of Comedy. Awesome.

[Brian Redban]

You did? Yeah, there's roller coasters in the middle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of it and stuff. It's fucking. People showed up. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Cool. When was this? When were you headlining the Mall of America?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like five years ago.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the hell is that?

[Brian Redban]

Oh, that's a. I love it. Amazing. So what else is going on, William? Tell us more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man, I'm just. Tony, I don't know. I think I'm. Very soon.

[Brian Redban]

I gotta figure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta chill for a little bit. I feel like the comedy's going wonderful.

[Brian Redban]

I'm feeling very strong about the comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As strong as ever. But I gotta take a little break here soon. I have to take some sort of a break, Tony.

[Brian Redban]

I'm getting burnt out a little, bud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that funny? What's kind of funny about that? You can only imagine what I'm going.

[Brian Redban]

Through right now, you dumb motherfucker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can only imagine what's funny about that. Seriously, what was funny about that? Just the idea of me struggling or something. And need to take a little break. Is that what was funny about that? Huh? Is that what was funny? Me kind of struggling a little bit in my life? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Thanks, sir. Thanks. You fucking idiot. Look at you. You look quite God. William, have you been on the road a lot? Is that why?

[Brian Redban]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Almost every weekend. It's been wonderful. You've been gigging a ton. I have been a lot. Okay, so you're kind of getting burned out from the road. Yeah, no, it's wonderful. But I just have to take a little break.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's normal. You should. So. Yes, sir. Good man. But it's been a lot of fun. And please give. You have a birthday, get a cameo. Please. But those things are taking. They've continued to take over my life. I've now done over 7200 of the motherfucker.

[Brian Redban]

He's literally one of the money makers on all of Cameo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much is a camera I end up seeing around? I don't know, 100 bucks. They're 100 bucks a piece. Uh huh. So do the math on that, you little pussy. You think that's funny?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. How, how, how much is each cameo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it's 155. I was just getting so many. I've continued to have to do the price up. I was. It's. I was getting 100. I was having 100 to 150 at a time. And it's. That's daunting. That's when I start feeling like I'm going crazy.

[Brian Redban]

According to Red Band's calculations, you've made one $1.1 million.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No cameo takes way more than that. No, it's nowhere near that, but. Cause it's not always. That's not always been the price, but that's just what it is right this second. Holy. So you don't really need to do any calculations, Red Band.

[Brian Redban]

I think it'll be hard for you to figure out what I have actually made.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, 69.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Red ban. Now, William, one of the things that I find so interesting. Interesting about you in real life, and this isn't brought up on the show very often, but you're a very thrifty guy. I find you to be kind of like, you know, I wouldn't say smart with your money. It's kind of interesting because you do make vast sums of money. You do not spend it much at all. You could tell by the pretty true goals. Tonight I've just been losing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt. Matt. Sums of money on the stock market. No, I'm kidding. The stock market's been good. Gotta give a shout out to my guy Chief there. He's my financial analyst. I'm not even kidding. Thank you, Chief. No, but, yeah, I've just been doing that.

[Brian Redban]

But now, what do you spend your money on? What are some ways that you're not frugal?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get the real versions of Oreos. I don't get the knockoff versions of Oreos. I get the real fucking versions of the cereal. I don't get the bags of the.

[Brian Redban]

Cereal that the poor people get on the bottom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't get that. I get the actual things of cereal. That's kind of it. I don't know. Got a TV, I don't know. Eight months ago. Nice one. Yeah, pretty nice. Like a 45 inch. The battery.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's balling, dude. But, yeah, I don't know, Tony. I'm working on it all.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Well, I love it. And you fly. Do you fly first class?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Do you have a preference in where you sit on a flight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like to sit at the very back of the plane because I want to watch everybody screaming and crying as the plane is getting crushed up forward. So if I'm at the very back, I'm going to have at least a second of just getting the absolute carnage unfolding in front of my fucking face. So I sit at the back.

[Brian Redban]

William, you have absolutely done it again. The only way to end a show like this is with you. Is there anything you want to do to take us out, William?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just have fun this week.

[Brian Redban]

You think you'll always be. You think you'll always be in the back of the plane?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shit, I think I probably. Then they're gonna not be around the.

[Brian Redban]

Back of the plane. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. We did it again. How about a hand for Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Get your damn tickets to The Moody Center, 2-22-25, and the Ballerina in Denver September 14, and everything else. Awesome fun. Tom Segura, the specials, the podcast, everything. How about one more time for the best damn band on the land, huh? Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Nees on the keys, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Cast Castillo and Raul Vallejo. The drawing from Chris Rogers, Cam Patterson tonight. I love it. Thank you guys so much. Red Band, you want to say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love you guys.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. Thank you again to Tom Segura, the man. Thank you, live audience. Good night, everybody. Thank SA.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. Is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets SA.