Brian Redban (0:01)

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found@Deathsquad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. You made it, motherfuckers. This is the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by DraftKings. This is Kil, Tony. Hi, everybody. How about one more time for the best? Oh, this is Red Ban, everyone. There he is. One more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Come on. That's groove line, horns, the great Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Raul Vallejo on the horns. Look who else is joining us on horns tonight. Kill Tony legend Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, ladies and gentlemen, from Brum over here, the great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is D Madness on the bass guitar. Ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, the real deal. A fantastic episode planned for y'all. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, it is his first time joining the show. Very, very awesome comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guest, John Crist, everybody. Come on. Hell yeah, John. Welcome, John. Have a seat. Yeah, sit there. Yeah, John. Chris. About to go on a huge Tour. Tickets available johncriscomedy.com it's like Christ, but without the horror. Hi, John. That's a good way to say that. I'll take it. Yeah? Yeah. I'm good at figuring out ways to. Without the H. Yeah, right. Like hinch. Cliff is H plus inch, cliff plus E. It's a haiku to start the show. It's 11 letters. Not easy to spell, dude. I don't know why didn't graduate high school. All right. That's how I learned how to say it and spell it, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Red band. H plus inch, cliff plus E. There you go. The great Jet Ski Johnson also joining us again. Just a reminder, she chimes in sometimes through. And we reward her with not only laughs, but also a vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. You go like. You go like that. You guys do that. Do it. You guys can do better than that. Do it again. There you go. There you go. Red band. Really overpowering, you guys. But thinking that that makes sense there, but it's. It's the least of our worries in this wonderful world. John, welcome to the show. We're going to be here Comedy tonight. We're going to talk to comedians. We're going to figure out what makes them tick. I have 238 signups in this bucket tonight. I swear, there's a lot. They're everywhere. There's so many. You almost ruined somebody's stream. That's the end. I'll put these back in. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and we talk to them and we figure out more about them and what they could possibly have going on in their lives or what makes them special. Every episode is totally different. Every episode is improvised. Anything can happen as we go wrangle the comedian from across the street. I'm going to introduce a regular on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, kicking off tonight's show with a brand new 60 seconds, a legend of Kil Tony, a hall of famer. In Kil Tony, we are starting the show with a hall of famer. You guys met this man one week after my monumental cancellation in which my career has never been the same since May 2021. He was sleeping in his van, doing too many open mics everywhere in front of empty rooms. Now he sells out all over the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. Hey. So China recently landed a rover on the moon. So now there's fentanyl there. You know doctors, they're not allowed to say retard anymore. They gotta go up to the mother and say, congratulations, sir, your child is Gonna be a kill. Tony. Golden ticket winner. A lot of women love drag shows, which I think is hilarious. Drag is where men dress up and pretend to be women. Can you imagine if there was a show where a woman dressed and acted like a dude? We would beat the fuck out of her. A lot of people are worried about drag queens grooming children during story hour. I am not worried, because straight men still exist, and we're undefeated, baby. You got story hour. We got private islands and jets. We're gonna molest the shit out of your kids. All right, that's my Ty. Thank you, Hans Kim. Dissing China right from the get. Anything for you, Tony. Fuck those Chinese motherfuckers. Whoa. Jesus. Whoa. Good Lord almighty. How's it going, Hans? I'm doing great, Tony. I'm living life. I recently moved into a beautiful new apartment. I'm really close to Brian Redband. Ooh. Oh, my goodness. What's that like living close to Brian Redband? You smell it? Kind of smells, yes. Oh, my goodness. A lot of, like, fried food. So what's your apartment like? What's the new place like? It's a high rise. I got a good view of everyone working hard. I'm just in my apartment writing about drag and children getting molested. Everyone else is working. I love it. John, you ever seen Hans Kim before? In the green room. Yeah. There you go. Very attractive woman he was with. Yeah. No. He does have a hot white girlfriend. Yeah. She's wearing a little black dress tonight. You can see a lot of her white skin, which I love. Wow. Wow. I don't know what to do with that. Great. No, I know. He doesn't give us much to work with here. It's an incredible shirt. You have teal. There's almost a collar, but not really a collar. Where do you get something like that? Amazon.com Amazon.com not even the app, ladies and gentlemen. He goes through the safari and. And who pressed it for you? I actually iron all my clothes myself. It kind of runs in the family. Yeah, that joke deserved more than that. I feel like that was a great joke. That was good. Han's doing good. Pretty good joke. What else is going on in life? Han, it's been a few weeks since we've seen you. Tell us more about your. I'm recently incorporated. I'm a proud proprietor of Low Effort Content, llc. That's the name of your company? Wow. A lot of podcasts and live streams. But, yeah, I recently went on tour with the great Jesse Jet Ski Johnson. We were the killers. We Killed it. Yeah. Where'd you go? What cities? We did Denver and Omaha and sold out. Tony, you're so amazing that you're selling out theaters when you're not even there. I completely agree. It is unbelievable what we've been able to do with our little universe. Well, I love it, huh? Anything fun happen when you were on the road in those places? We went to a restaurant. They closed it out for us. David Lucas has an inside scoop. He's familiar with the Lower the gang members. What kind of restaurant was it? It was a Korean restaurant. Hans also took us to a gay bar, and then we. Cam and David and I paid the COVID and we were looking for him, and he was waiting outside because he didn't want to pay the covers. Hans, truth comes out is a notorious miser. Very, very thrifty man. Thus the Amazon shirt. How much was that shirt on Amazon? This is $25. Whoa. That's actually a lot more than I thought it would have been. Was that Easter clearance sale? Like, what was that? It's pastel colors, you know. All right, That's a headliner. I thought. Tony, doesn't he. I thought he pays the COVID for all the other. I will say Cam did pay for me and David. And I was like, you don't have to. He's like, I got you. And then. Hans, where are you? We're texting him. He's like, I'm by the entrance. And we thought he was by the. He was outside the entrance. What happened, Hans? What was going through your mind? I was standing out there. I went in, and the guy touched me. Very weird. And then I went in, and they were like, it's $15. And I was like, oh, let me wait for the crew to come in. Let me make sure that they're in there. I don't want to spend money if they're not going to be in there. And then turns out they were in there the whole time, and I was just waiting outside. How long were you waiting outside for? Probably like 30 minutes. Yeah, it was a long time. Wow. And I don't think it was a gay bar, but David Jolly saw everyone dancing. He was like, this shit's gay. We got to get out of. Any bar can be a gay bar if David Jolly says so. So, Hans, when you went in the gay bar, anything cool happen in there? I got in and I left immediately. I really didn't get to see any gayness. I mean, did you ask for a refund? It was like, hey, I gotta pay for Amazon shirts. Give Me my money back. Oh. All right, Hansi. Fun times. Way to get the show started. Ladies and gentlemen, a new minute from Hans Kim. Solid, solid minute. And here we go to the Bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where shit gets wild. This is where we meet somebody. Could be somebody's first time ever on stage. Could be somebody that's been doing it 20 years, hoping and waiting to get a chance to make it on this show. Could be the next star of comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you your first Bucket poll of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Duncan Stone street, everybody. Here comes Duncan Stone Street. What's going on? Y'all probably can't tell by looking at me, but I fucking love Lizzo. I do. Most of my friends, they tell me all the time, that's disgusting. You shouldn't like big girls like that. I can't believe you admit that I'm from Mississippi. We don't brag about catching the smallest fish. You know what I mean? Nobody thinks of it that way, but I do. I fucking love Lizzo. I get the same feeling seeing her as when I see, like, a fresh rotisserie chicken at 3 in the afternoon after day drinking, and I got $18 left, and you know that one you need to survive. Yeah, I love her, man. I was on her side when she got all that negative press too, you know? I don't know if y'all heard. She shoved a banana in a stripper's pussy and tried to make one of the backup dancers eat it. Y'all hear about that? Allegedly. But I was on her side. I thought we should point out the positives, you know? At least her big ass is eating fruit now. It's the wrong lips, but it starts to start, you know? Hey, my name is Duncan Stonestree, y'all. That's my time. Thank y'all. Y'all were so kind. Duncan Stonestreet. Welcome. Duncan. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir, absolutely. You're so polite. I love the sirs coming. Where are you from? I'm from Star Mississippi Storm. Star Star Mississippi. What's Star Mississippi known for? Faith Hills from there, if you ever heard of her. Yeah. Is there a lot of people in Star Mississippi? No, actually, if you Google it on the Google right now, it'll tell you zero people live there. If you Google it on the Google, yeah. How far are you from where Forrest Gump was raised? Not too far. I bet. Two Rs. Start with two Rs. Is it? Or no? No, it's just one. One R? No, two Rs would be too hard for everybody to put at the end. I feel like there's a lot of Rs there. Yeah, there's also a lot of Rs in dur. What do you do for work, Duncan? This last month, man, I just been road tripping it. I went and crashed with a buddy and did comedy for like a month in Phoenix and hung out and seen what the scene was like out there and it was fucking rad. Yeah. What was rad about it out there in Phoenix, man? It was wild. I woke up one night with a bag of cocaine, and I don't do cocaine at all. Wow. How did you know it was cocaine if you don't do it? Well, I was at this bar and I saw this dude doing a lot of cocaine and he offered me some. And then, like, we hung out. I said, no, we're shooting pool. Few too many drinks later, you know, you hit that point of the night where you just don't remember a lot. And then I just woke up the next day and it was in my pocket. Isn't that an amazing, magical story? Yeah, it was a miracle, dude. I needed the money. I flipped that shit. Did you. Did you sell the cocaine? How much did you sell it for? For. Oh, man, my mom's watching. Gonna watch this. I was about to say it. Oh. It was enough to, you know, cover a couple tabs for the next couple nights. So while I was open m. I mean, wow. I didn't know. I'm not. You just sniffled after you said that. Yeah, I've been. I'm gonna stay with a buddy who has a cat and I'm, like, dying. Okay. Yeah. So what do you think really happened? You think your buddy slipped a bag of cocaine in your pocket? You think you had. We're not the cops. Also, no, I was at the. Were you with the white trash trash tooth fairy? Tempe. Tempe. That's where the white trash tooth fairy lives. I woke up with a bag of cocaine under my pillow. Right. But, yeah, I don't know. Like, I thought I had gotten drug because I called my girl the next day. I was like, yeah, I have this whole, like, block of time I don't remember. And I didn't, like, have any money gone that I didn't know about or nothing. And I was like, joke's on him. I mean, he put a drug in my drink. I had a good night, and I got his cocaine, you know, so fuck that guy. Absolutely. You said you Have a girlfriend? Yes, sir. How long you been with her? October coming up will be a year. Okay. And she's still in Starr, Mississippi? No, she's in Hattiesburg. It's about an hour away from Starr. Oh, my goodness. How did you meet her? Well, she works at a tattoo shop that my dad used to work at and help open and. Yeah, just years ago in there. Stopping by. Just. What do you mean, stopping by? Yeah, well, like, I. I've had a lot of weird jobs. So, like, I travel from the top of Mississippi to the bottom, so, like, I'm always just stopping by, you know. What the. You had a weird job. We never. You had a weird job. I've had a lot of them. What was the weird job where you would go from the top to the bottom of Mississippi? I used. I used to deliver seafood, gumbos, bisques and pies for this. Can you name all the types of seafood that you would. What types of shrimp was there? Exactly. So you got barbecued shrimp. There was cocktail shrimp, brine shrimp. There was everything. What's your. Please tell me your girlfriend's name is Jenny. I'm going to lose my fucking mind right now. I swear. It was. I had a lot of weird jobs. I was in the military for a while. Spend some time on the base out in Phoenix. It's been crazy life. I'm actually. My last name Stone street because my great, great, great grandfather was the first to put a stone on a street. Had to come from somewhere, man. Well, keep naming the seafood. What kind of seafood were you delivering? Well, we would make like, seafood pies. Yeah. Yeah. It's the most disgusting shit ever. You got like lobster bisque, crawfish bisques. Keep going. You had shrimp gumbos, crawfish gumbos. You had. Man, it was just nasty, though. It had like a bunch of heavy cream in it. And the guy that I work for, he sucked balls. I hated that guy. Keep naming seafood. Oh, there's king crabs bisques. You know, I said lobsters already. Lobster gumbos and bisque. There's a lot of bisques, mostly bisque. It's for white people and, you know, they just, you know, gumbo's for poor people and bisque is for, like, rich people. Absolutely. Insider info. Yeah, absolutely. And usually the poor people shit is way better. Yeah. Would you sneak some gumbo sometimes? Would you thaw some out? No. Mississippi day. Fuck. That guy. I would take. Yeah. One time he made me scrape all this ice off some shit and I was so mad. So before I left, I popped all the lids on this shit in the freezer and left before I quit. I can't tell if this is a character or the real guy. Oh, it's the real guy. It's the real guy. I hate it. I got. Wow. Amazing. Where was this during the one minute set? You should have talked about this. I feel like it's. I couldn't see food quick enough. It wouldn't all fit in a minute. I love it. So your one year anniversary with your girlfriend's coming up. What is her first name? Samantha. So what are you planning on getting Samantha for your one year anniversary? I don't know. We're more of a trip couple. Like, we like to take like little weekend trips and stuff. Okay, so where are you thinking about taking her? Oh, man, to the bedroom. As soon as I get home first. Boom. Oh my goodness. Fucking. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom when you fucking forest hump? No, not really. I just, you know. You know, you just eat it for a while and. Then. Is hers more of a bisque or a gumbo? The best bisque. The best bisque they got. That's amazing. Yeah. Best bisque on earth, you know, right? Definitely just an elaboration on the. On the mic to the chin. Oh, sorry. No, it's just that maybe that's it. It makes me more comfortable. Yeah, keep it there. Yeah. I don't want to put it back. No, put it back. There you go. Keep it there. Keep it there. For the rest of more confident. If you remove it, we're gonna fucking super glue it to you. Last thing before I let you go. Craziest thing that you can think about. We would find intriguing about your entire life. My entire life. I mean, geez, we learned so much just from your seafood, Jen. Man, I've seen some wild shit. I grew up in a tattoo shop. My dad was a tattoo artist most of my life. Has he passed away now? No, no, no. Oh, you talk about. No, he's close to it. He's got like diabetes and shit. I bet he does. How do you think he got diabetes? What' what's his. I was sitting in a chair for 20 something years doing tattoos, eating pizza and wings every fucking day. Just sweating over here. Well, you got the money to sit down and not do shit. It's nice, man. That's fucking great. I love it. Any special skills or talents? I play a little guitar and stuff like that, but I don't want to wait, you know? When's the last time you played guitar? Probably at my. At the Dude, I'm staying with House. Before we left to come hang out, you played guitar today? Yes. How long have you been playing guitar? Well, I. I didn't start learning songs until I quit smoking weed for, like, a month. I thought I had, like a. I thought I had, like, a mental block for a long time. I was like, I don't got no rhythm. And then you realize. Yeah. I was like, I'm just retarded. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt, what do you think? Should we let this guy fucking. Well, I think this is an amazing opportunity because we have a brand new guest guitar. Oh, we do? We have. Where did we get that guitar from again? This is a gift from our fan, Casey Butler. Okay. Where's that? He's in Mississippi, I believe. Wait, Kate. What? How ironic. That's wild. Yeah, and you better fucking tear. This thing started in Mississippi and it's ending up in the hands of a man from Mississippi. Is that still where you live? What the. Put that mic on your chin. The hell you talking to? Michael Gonzalez, Music Info, man. We got a. Oh, really? Okay. Where's the guitar? Jesus Christ. My God. Can we. It's a nice guitar. Can I talk about this thing for a second? Yeah. Talk about the guitar. He put a Kill Tony pit guard up here at the top. The logo is there. He put a bullet target toggle switch in this thing. Whoa. He put revolver volume and tone knobs on this thing. Yeah. The barrels of a gun. Yeah, it's Kill Tony themed. It's all the way through. It's Kill Tony. Yeah. Gibson. It's bad as fuck. I'm gonna make sure it's in tune before he plays. Oh, okay. Great. This is great. I got. I'm so glad we got this brand new Kill Tony guitar. In case of emergency, somebody would have to play. Perfect. Time to tune. It is live, ladies and gentlemen, live. We're gonna find out which one's the more guitar player tonight, everybody. I think we know. Welcome to another episode of Mentally Guitarded with Matt Muling and Duncan Stonestreet. This is absolutely incredible. I've never played with other people before, so this is going to be wild. It's ready to go. Captain jokes is what Matt Muling just said. All right, can we get a better system of passing this guitar, perhaps? Yeah, we got to figure some kind of system out. Seven producers standing around looking at how to teleport a physical object using the force. Here we go. Okay. All right. No, this is perfect. Note the. We'll hand it the bullet. Oh, we have the Guest, actually as the roadie right now. This is amazing. A fucking $8,000 guitar is causing. Oh, it's a bullet. There's bullets on the strap, too. It's absolutely incredible. Just. What is the fuck is going on? This is the goddamn. Yeah, we haven't no producers on sleep. We have figured out a system for the. What a pile of our producers are today. I'm kidding. Don't give me a sad face, you goofballs. Oh, we. We up. There's no way you could have known. All right, you should. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Boss. Okay, you want to pick, boss man. Wait, what does he want to pick? Do you want to pick? Oh, he brought his own pick. I used to carry this pick in my pocket while delivering gumbos and brought my own brother. All right, let's see. Let's do it. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, three chords and a shitty voice. I'm so glad we waited five minutes for that guitar to make it over to you. That was an absolutely incredible performance. This is one of the worst interviews I've ever handled in my life. I take the blame completely. No, no, not you. You did great. I sh. I should have fucking. I should have milked you and turned it into bisque. You know what I mean? Hell, yeah, brother. Oh, there's the lovely. See, this is what I'm talking about. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Heidi, everybody. Wow. And Duncan, you know what? Even though you just talked about lizzo for your 60 seconds and I'd love to hear you talk more about you and about your life, I'm still gonna give you a big joke book. There he goes. Duncan Stonestreet, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we got another bucket poll, by the way. I was kidding around. How about a hand for the amazing producers here at Kill? Tony, Yoni, Christy, everybody. It's amazing. With the greatest team on planet Earth. Good day, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Game Time. You all know I'm a big fan of live events. From music and comedy and small clubs all the way to theaters and the big arenas. I love it all. That's why I use Game Time. Game Time has a new feature called Game Time Pick that makes getting tickets for concerts and events even easier. 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Your first purchase terms apply. Again, create an account, redeem code K, I, L, L, T O, n y for $20 off. That's why download Game Time today. What time is it? Game Time. Hey, it's Kaley Cuoco for Priceline. Ready to go to your happy place for a happy price? Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels. So whether it's cousin Kevin's kazoo concert in Kansas City. Go Kevin. Or Becky's bachelorette bash in Bermuda, you never have to miss a trip ever again. So download the Priceline app today. Your savings are waiting. Go to your happy place for a happy price with Priceline's Black Friday sale. Save now and travel later with our best deals of the year. Go to your happy price, Priceline. All right, your next bucket pool. I love one word names. This should be exciting. Make some noise for Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. Jeremy. What's up? Welcome me mothership. Make some motherfucking noise. If you make some other fucking noise. So I can't wait to lose my virginity. The toughest part about losing your virginity is saving up all the money to pay for it. And that's what's up. I already know what flavor I'm gonna get. Too black. That's the freakiest flavor, according to Siri. Siri? Who's Siri? Who's got two thumbs and got a bad case of jungle fever? This guy. And that's what's up. I probably. Austin's got a lot of homeless people. She should just stay with your mom like me. It's way cheaper. Worst part about worst part about staying with your mom, though, is her fucking boyfriend Jerry. I fucking wanted to kill this fucking guy. I've legit thought of that. Here's my impression of my mom's boyfriend Jerry fucking her. Oh. Oh, I'm fucking Okay, I'm gay. I'm gay, but I fucking. I fuck pussy. And that's what's up. I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people say, oh, you look like a guy that goes to the Paralympics just to heckle the. Just to heckle all of them. I mean, it'd be like, oh, I should give you a standing ovation. You can't even get up and give me one. But no, it's all good. Hey, there's so many handicapped. How many, how many handicapped people you think they're at the Paralympics? Every time I watched it, every time I watched the Paralympics, I was like, am I watching an episode of Kill Tony? And that's what's up. That's my time. Hard tip. Wow. Thank you so much, Jeremy. Thank you so much. Unbelievable. Thank you so much. You're welcome. You're welcome. Jeremy. Jesus. Wow. Well written. I gotta tell ya, this. This is your first time on the show, right, Jeremy? Oh, first time doing standup man. Wow. That I have. I talk a lot of shit on Xbox Live, but that's not. And I feel pretty funny. But, you know, it's one of those things where you just gotta fuck. I'm sorry. I'm super fucking nervous right now. I'm so fucking nervous. Is Joe Rogan here right now? No. No, he's not. Don't let him watch this. This is my first time. This is a. That has to be one of the best first time sets I've ever seen in my entire life on this show, period. Yeah. This is incredible. So I don't even know where to begin. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. How old are you? Let's start there. Cause you are a deceptive figure. There's a lot going on there. You have the face of a man, the hair of an older man, yet. It's acne, I can tell you. I can tell you a lot of acne. There's some snot out of. Coming out of your nose. Braces. Braces. Yes, it's. You can. Red band. Braces. Fuck you, red man. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Wow. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Amazing. Unbelievable stuff. Are you a big Joel McHale fan? Is that who that is? Oh, fucking shoo hoo. What I fucking love. Yeah. So is Michael Gonzalez. Joel McHale. You ever watched Max Singer or he's on a show on Fox called Animal Control where he's always trying to help out animals and stuff. I'm a big animal guy. And there'll be like a raccoon coming in. The raccoon's like. And troll's like, I'll fucking. I'll fucking save you, man. I'll put you back with your family and. Yeah, but it's not my favorite. Naked in a phrase is my favorite show. Cause. Oh, yeah. Cause fucking free tits. Free tits. Who loves free tits? No, but it's all good. My goodness. I'm 38. Hey, that. Wow. Jeremy, what have you been doing with your life up until this point? What's going on over there? I just got pulled something out. Oh, yeah, you pulled something out of your other pocket. Oh, it's still chip. Oh, too. It's just so cute. I just read. Well, I keep on my personal blindings in the fanny pack. We have a segment on this show. Anytime anybody wears a fanny pack, it's called what's in that fanny? You guys want to play a game of what's in that fanny pack? And. And so I say the words, jeremy, what's in that fanny pack? What if I was just like a fucking gun? There's not. There's not. There's not. There's not. There's not. But that'd be so fucking funny if I was like, fucking. Oops. Wrong night to come to the show. So it's a pretty standard. Pretty standard fanny pack. Two pockets. I got some CBD rub on for whatever hurts. Got myself a little nature's bakery. Fig bar. Raspberry. Arguably the best flavor of fig bar. I got my lucky five. I went to my first strip club two weeks ago in Austin. The Velvet. Was it the. The rose. The red rose. Red rose. Holy shit. I mean, okay. I. They. I didn't get a dance, but I found a 5, and I was like. And let's just say it still smells like what it. Whatever it was. Got some floss, Got some weed, which I'm looking hopefully to smoke with you guys after the show. I've never smoked weed either. So I told myself, if I get pulled out of the bucket, I'm getting fucking high tonight. And I'll get so high, and then my allergies will kick in. So. Clairtin. Got some loose tums. I got some loose tums. Cause. Cause you never know when you're gonna get fucking diarrhea, right? Red band. Oh. And then I got. I went to Vegas about a month ago for my buddy's bachelor party, and they already split up because he fucking. We went to this donkey show, and he didn't do anything with the donkey. But. But he was like. It just. It got it got wild and he's there. So they're splitting up. You have it? Something fell. Something. Oh, I don't got more Tums, bitch. And then. So we stayed at Tropicana in Las Vegas, so. Oh, shit. I thought I was about to get beat up by a blind guy. So that's it. What's up, doc? Cheers. So that's it. That might be one of my favorite cases of what's in that fanny pack that I've ever seen. Joel McHale should host that. Wow, you really love Joel McHale. Pretty good. Good actor. Amazing stuff. I thought the. Wasn't the. I thought when you go into a strip club with cash and then you give it. I wasn't. I don't think it comes back this way. Jeremy, how did you. Oh, I found it. I didn't. There's a girl, she got up from dancing. It fell out. Fucking find her. Sleepers. Oh, I'm not gonna take a five dollar bill that was in that stripper's pussy. Okay, okay, Jeremy, you're right. You're right. Talked about your mom's boyfriend. Oh, I fucking hate this guy. His name's Jerry. So my folks split, like, when I was like, 10. And thanks for bringing it up. And it was. I mean, it fucking sucks. It fucking sucks. I'm gonna be honest. It fucking sucked. But what's your relationship with Jerry like? He just sucked. He's like. He's not even. He's not a good guy. He's always like, I'm gonna fuck your mom. And he says that to you? Yes. And I'm like, you can do it. You don't have to tell me you're gonna do it. Just do it. I know you're doing it. You're in my room while I'm sleeping doing it. I know you're doing it. Yeah, it's really. He's just not a good guy. And. But she picks the losers. And I fucking. And I always talk shit. And he always fucking. He gets physical with. He doesn't push me. But he always does this shit, though. Fuck. He always does that shit. And I don't know if you've ever been eating fucking your fucking cereal and somebody's like, shut up. No, never. Wait a second. Uh. Oh, I'm gonna. Okay, Stay with me. This no joke. I live in San Antonio. This no joke happened two weeks ago. I wake up, I go downstairs, go downstairs, right? I fucking take a shit. I go get some fucking Froot Loops favorite cereal. What's up? And I'm sitting down I'm fucking slamming some Froot Loops and he fucking out here, and I was like, fuck. And he comes downstairs and he goes, wish up, bitch. And I fucking spilled my Froot Loops. And then I bent down to pick him up and he got down on the floor and goes, fucking eat that shit off the floor. I was like, that's a little aggressive, Jerry. I'm just gonna go fucking back to my room. He fucking ran around the hallway and met me on the other side of the bathroom. And I fucking. Right at the bottom of the staircase, I open my eyes. Cause when I'm scared, I close my eyes. When I run and I get around the corner and I open my eyes and I go, oh, shit. And he goes, what's up? You think I was gonna fucking just disappear on you? So I fucking hate him. And he. Cause I wanna rap. I wanna be a rapper. And he always tells me, wait, what? Okay. So I go, can I. I haven't rapped live and I haven't. So I was like, you know. And he's like, you fucking. Cause you fucking can't. Oh, fucking can't. You fucking can't. Oh, Michael, you missed another one. Oh, you fucking can't. So he's always just so discouraging about me trying to do anything positive with my life, and so I hate him for that too. I'm like, I'm gonna rap, and one day I'm gonna rap. Most of my raps consist of, like, you know, I'm gonna fucking. I'm gonna kill Jerry someday, you know. Wait, hit me real quick. You have a rap? Are you about to? Ladies and gentlemen. Rapping, calling his own shots. Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. Yo, yo, yo. I get into bed, put my fucking therapeutic pillow on my head. I'm gonna sleep tight. I'm gonna sleep right with my night light. Psych. I'm touching my dick to your mom's, sweet tits. I'm gonna come in your cereal. Welcome to your happy bill. This is how we stroll this is how we roll don't meet me in the streets Arby's got the meats. If you see me naked, Imma fuck you up. You better believe me. That's worked up. Wow, Jeremy. That worked up. Jeremy, you're so in touch with the band and music, it is incredible. I wouldn't have guessed that. She's got to listen. Wow. You just got to follow the beat, Tony. This is. I'm learning a lot from you here tonight, Jeremy. Yeah, I fucking hate. I hate him. I don't know. I just wanted to be happy. And he's. You have a phone on you? You have. Yeah, you guys locked it up though. Yeah, of course. You're a bucket pool. You're. You're a hazard. I mean, anything could happen here. This is a real show. Yeah, but you do have your. The guy. Your mom's boyfriend's phone number, right? Oh, I have to have it in case of emergencies. Can we unlock. Can we unlock Jeremy's phone? How many of you think we should call the guy that's fucking his mom, huh? All right. Kind of a lackluster applause from the audience on that, even though. How about another hand for the lovely Heidi, huh? Thanks, Heidi. Oh, he's got it. Oh, I don't think this is a good idea, Tony. So you're going to put it on speakerphone after you hit it and then you're going to put the. Okay. Yeah, or I could call him for real. Red band. Yeah, the phone doesn't ring when you call somebody red band. I've been meaning to tell you that for eleven and a half years. Years. But. Okay, I talked to him in like a week. He's gonna be all right. Here we go. All right, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. Piece of. What's up, little tits? You, Jerry. What's up? What do you want? I don't know. I'm on this show and I should call you and say what's up? Oh, yeah, well, I already said what's up? So what else do you have anything new to say? Just. I'm a fucking. You better fucking watch where you sleep, bitch. Yeah, why? Why you think you're gonna be able to do something about it? Yeah, I'm gonna do something about it. Yeah? What are you gonna. You gonna go cry to your Neighbor? Your little 14 year old neighbor you got. He's. His name's Tanner and he's fucking wise for his age. You. I'm sure he's. Dude, Tanner, could my mom better than you could. Oh, is that right? Is that right? Well, that's not what she said yesterday. That's not what she said last week. Stop telling me that you. Her. Dude, I have to. She. She has needs, bud. I've been telling you that you never. You'll never be my dad. Why do you keep calling me that? Out of the way. I am your dad. Your other dad doesn't. Didn't want you. I barely want you, but at least I'm here. Yeah, well, that's your opinion. I got. I got 500 friends at the comedy mothership right now. That Would love to suck your. Or that would love to. Let me take that again. That would love to fucking fuck you up. Dude, you got the TV on in the background. Do I got the TV on? No, I'm outside. I got 500 friends. You don't have 500 friends. You'll never have 500 friends. We all know that. Oh, yeah, God. We don't know that. You're so. Who's that? Oh, your mom. Your mom's actually calling me in the other room right now. You. Terry, I'm going kill you tonight. Wow. Sorry. I panicked. There he is. Amazing. The courage that it takes to call the man who's your mother on this show is incredible. It is what it is. And that's what's up. Should be nicer to him if he gave you that whole outfit to wear. Yeah, he did, baby. These fucking Jordans. That was pretty sweet. I'm gonna. I'm gonna tell you what, Jeremy. This has been. It took a turn. An incredible set, an incredible interview. Honored to be on the show. Thanks for having me, Motorship. You guys are unbelievable. Dude, I've been watching this show for fucking like six years. I live in San Antonio. I fucking love William. I fucking. I wrote. I thought I was gonna see Hans Kim tonight. I wrote a joke. If I saw him, I was gonna be like, hans, if you're here, who's cutting me off in traffic without signaling? I was gonna. I had a whole fucking. And I fucking didn't get to see him. But I fucking love his show and I just wanted to be fucking. I'm honored to fucking meet you, Tony. I'm glad that you love the show and I'm glad that you're a fan because that probably means. It probably means that what's about to happen to you is going to be a life changing moment because, Jeremy, I would like to award you a golden ticket, everybody. Wow. And you know what else? I've never done this before, especially for somebody who. It's their first time on the show. But you know what, Jeremy? Why don't you come sit right here and join us for the rest of the show on panel? Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy has joined the show. Hey. Oh, a loose tub. Here he comes. Whoa. Come here, Jeremy. Welcome to the show. Amazing. It's a big day. Wow. What? What? Thank you. For the lime. For the lime. Oh, it's a tome. Our fan bases. So stupid. She thought it was a lime. An actual line. She thought a tongue was a fruit, Tony. Yeah. It's an absolutely Is a singular tums a tum? That's a great question. Yeah, I think more than two tums it tums. Oh, wow. Call me an uber bad gift. How in the world. How in the world did Heidi know what Jared drink is? How do you know what? Well, I have a blog wwinks this on Mondays.com, so I bet Heidi subscribes. Jeremy, we're gonna get back to this bucket with you. How about one more time for Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen? And we're here with John, Chris, and the panel debut of Jeremy, your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris. Chris D. Orio. Chris D. Oreo. All right, so growing up, I had a very weird senior prom, and my date, she did not have a good night at all. Now, to be fair, she wasn't the prettiest girl in the whole world, but, man, her body still hasn't been found. Hope she's doing well. Speaking of bodies, I'm feeling kind of sad because I realized recently that we could have cut the obesity epidemic in this country in half if we had just put that transgender person on a can of Mountain Dew instead. Listen, say what you want, but if we got rednecks to boycott Mountain Dew, this whole country would be a CrossFit gym within six months. All right? And listen, I never got the whole Bud Light controversy, okay? I just thought they were trying to promote safe drinking, right? Like you, all your boys, you drink your Bud Lights, you look down at the can, and as soon as Dylan Mulvaney looks fuckable, time to go home, boys. Time to go home. Thank you so much. I'm Chris Diorio. All right, Chris Diorio. Pushing it to the limit there. How's it going, Chris? How are you doing? Well, thank you so much. First time on the show, right? Yes, sir. Absolutely. How long you been doing standup? About four years. All right. How old are you? 42. 42. What made you start at 38? That's how old Jeremy is. He just started. I. Yeah. Jeremy, you humbled me out there, man. That was great for. Yeah, thanks, brother. I started for a charity. I did. I did a charity event. An open mic competition for a charity event. The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Shout out to them. Okay. And, yeah, I got hooked ever since and been in about four years now, so. Okay. I love it. Well, how do you make a living? I got laid off recently, so I make a living off my wife paying for me to do things like this. What does your wife do? She's in marketing. She's a marketing executive. So what did you do before you got laid off? I was in IT sales. Okay. What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Yeah, I got a ton of stuff I like to do. I travel a lot. Big in a whiskey. Big whiskey guy. Yeah. Big bourbon guy. Yeah. A lot of volunteering with charities. Wow. You work a lot with charities? I do, yeah. What's your dark side? I found in my research that people that work a lot in charities tend to have like a. You know, like. Jerry Sandusky was huge into charities. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm all fucked up. Yeah. I'm a military veteran, too. I was an air force guy, so that's probably where it all started. Oh, nice. And then what did you do in the air force? So it's called disaster response. Disaster preparedness. I joined right before a 9 11. Oh, perfect time. Yeah, yeah. And then shout out. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I think shout outs to 9 11. It's coming right around the corner. You have open wounds on your face, Jeremy, or open sores. This is absolutely incredible. Yeah. Covid really took a toll on everybody. Can I. I have a question. Yeah. Yes, sir. So let's say I get a woman to come back to my apartment. What. What's. What do I do now? We're going to the super hypothetical here. We're talking things that may and probably will never happen, but theoretically. Are you. I probably. I'd probably drug her, to be honest with you. No. What. Give you. What sort of advice do you have other than that? Yeah, yeah. Why don't you give your actual advice? Like, what would you. What do you do? What's your tricks to, you know, how do you please your wife? Yeah, I'm funny, fortunately, so that's what all it takes. And she's got a great sense of humor, but you can't. You can't come inside her with punch lines. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm saying, like, what do I do? Do I start with my fingers or my fucking head? Like, what do I do? I'd start with your personality. Yeah, yeah, start with personality. And then physically, though, like, what do I physically. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What do you physically do? Yeah, Lower back. You start with the lower back. Yeah, the lower back is like. It's like the man's stomach. That's the key to a woman's, like, push on it or what? Just gently. Yeah, gently push on it. Well, push her. Yeah, push her a little bit. Towards the bedroom. Oh, God. Okay, so say. Yeah, kind of gently. Just. She'll figure it out what you're trying to do real quick, you know, just kind of. Do I have to say something like, what's going on here? Aren't you getting sleepy or something? You know, feels like it's about time to go watch some Hulu, wouldn't you say? And then just fucking push her or what? I'd start with like a. Where were you on 9 11? As you're kind of pushing your. Okay. Towards the bedroom, so. Dirty top. Yeah, yeah. Chris Diorio, what's the most interesting thing about you? Let's see. In addition to being a veteran, I'm a. I'm a certified firefighter and a Scottish lord. So you're Theoretically. Yep. Yes. You've been in the service? Yes, sir. You're a volunteer firefighter? Yes, sir. You do a bunch of work with charities? Yes, sir. So where are the bodies hidden? Yeah, near my high school. Near my old high school, actually. A lot of them, so. No, I'm just kidding. I'm actually. I'm a nice guy. Okay. What's the meanest thing you've ever done to somebody? Holy shit. Um, he's, like, killed a guy a lot. That may not be mean, depending on the person. All right. Theoretically, yeah. You have real charity energies. I mean, it's like. It's like, I can tell that you're used to making people laugh that aren't used to laughing. Yeah, yeah. Like you. Because the people here are used to laughing, and it's kind of like they're really good at it. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, totally. You look like you come in your socks and then you wear them. Well, when you're. Takes one to know one good traction, and that's what the. Boo hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. I'm bringing that back, too. Chris, do you figure out. Yes, sir. Yeah. What do you say, John? Well, I just. When he. When he does, like, S's and P's with it just. I get spit on mine. Yeah, it just kind of gets right here. But that's. Good with it. I'll turn this way. You have that. You have a. You're in the splash zone, bitch. You chose to come to this show. Sorry. I'll try. I'll try to. Sorry, John. Yes, it's that one. Well, you. Well, maybe I'm good with it. Maybe change your last name. Christ, that's really tough for me to fucking say. Maybe it could have been John Connor from Terminator. Is That The Terminator soundtrack? Wow. Sorry. I'm really sorry, though. Yeah, don't say sorry, though, because I apologize. Catch on me, Chris. Yes, sir. Weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now. Ooh. Probably some of those probiotic little funnels. You have a bit, but they're expired. You have a big belly. What do you attribute. How do you have that? Yeah, that's. So the way I got the Scottish Lordship was I drank enough whiskey to buy a square foot of land in Scotland. You bought a square foot of land with points from drinking whiskey? And they made me a lord. Like the old Scottish way, you know, when you drank your way to the top. So that's probably where this came from. Also, my wife and I, we're hoping to have a kid soon. So this is like a pre sympathy belly. You're about to have a kid? We're. No, we're hoping to. I. Have you been coming inside of her? Yeah. Yeah. When I can. How long have you been. How many times have you done? So fucking awesome. How many attempts. You gotta try sometime, Rose. How many. How many times have you had to guess, give or take. Honest answer here. How many times you've come inside of your wife trying to have a child and she hasn't gotten pregnant yet? How many times have you tried? Probably about 20. That's it? Yeah, we got. We got married kind of recently. We weren't trying for a kid until we got married. We got married on April Fool's Day. On April Fool's Day? Yes, sir. You got married? Yes, sir. 20 times since April 1st. While trying to have a baby. Yeah. I travel a lot and she does, too. Okay. This year, this April. Yes, sir. You have any names picked out for the baby? Yeah, Chris or Christine, probably. Wow. Big, giant egomaniac. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right, Chris. Here's a little joke book. Thank you so much. Congratulations. Great job, dude. The Kill Tony debut of Chris Diorio, everybody. And, yo, here's a tone for the road. Thank you. Oh, yeah. I could tell he's gonna need that. He's gonna want that. You know what? Let's get another one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy a fucking sensation. Everybody loves them. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the unstoppable. Cam Patterson, everybody. So writing this minute was kind of hard. And I don't really got nothing, but I got. I got too much right now. But I got something in my notes that I'm trying to figure out, so if maybe I can help me. I just put, you gotta really be Gay to like men. Cause women got assholes, too. I don't know where I'm going with that yet, but it's pretty fucking funny, though, Claude. You just wanting to go to hell. That's on you, brother. They got the same asshole. You could have closed. You could blindfold a gay nigger and show him two different assholes, he wouldn't know the difference. There'd be no way. It's like, I was at. When I was in. When I first fucked a girl when I was 17, and she told me to fuck in her ass. And I said, no, that's gay, right? And I went to work the next day, and all my coworkers was like, why you ain't do it? And then when you get older, you gonna. You know what I'm saying? You don't know. That's not gay. And I'm like, you get older, you just become gay. That's crazy, right? That's pretty fucking insane. I don't understand. I don't understand. I will tell you this, though. I'm pretty. I like lesbians. Lesbians is cool. Lesbians are pretty cool. Cause, like, what's better than one piss it two, you know what I'm saying? That's fine. That'll work. I'm done. All right. Hell, yeah. Amazing. That'll work. Comes out, says he doesn't have it, and then has it. Not really. I had the beginning of something. Everything else was just bullshit. But it's all right. That's. We figured it out. Oh, yeah. It's great. It worked. Worked. Hell yeah. Cam the man. Jeremy, you've seen Cam before. You're a big fan. I can tell. You can't even make eye contact with them right now. Oh, yeah. You're so funny, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to say all that right back to you, but I can't do it. But. And it doesn't have any S's in it either, so it's double. It sucks. I really want to say that, but you're so funny, dude. The two. The two butthole thing. I've actually thought about that too. Not. But I never thought about it as a joke, but as a show. And what. Because I'm always. I have. I always make up shows that Joe McHale could host. And whose butthole is that? Is who. Who is? Who is. Remember when you said what the. Joe McHale. You know who that is? What. What he do? How many white celebrities? What did he do? What did. Okay, let's do Animal Control. Mad Singer. Community Soup. The Soup. Soup the soup? Yeah. The what? The shoe. What? What? Hold on. She go. Where'd that girl go? Uh. Oh, she went. Take it. Stay with me. Shit. That's funny. I like that. That's good. Hey, Kane, if you're here, who's going to sell me shoeshine? Cleaner at the mall later. Can I tell you some funny shit? I almost. I. I was beefing with them for a long time. The mall? Yeah. I almost shot at one of them right when I was like. Cause like one time they tried to clean my slides and I was not having a good day and I was like, I got slides on. And so I had walked away. I just wasn't having a good time and I walked away and I was with my sisters and. And I had just got a pistol for the first time, so I was ready to shoot a nigga regardless. So we in the mall, I got a tank top on. What happened? I'm having a bad day. My sisters buy shit from tomorrow. I ain't buy nothing, you know what I'm saying? So I walked back by the shoe cleaning nigga and he go, fuck, nigga, you ain't even buy shit. Broke ass nigga. And I was like, fuck, nigga, I kill you. And I left them all. Was his name Jerry by chance? Yeah, we can kill that nigga Jerry, though. I would love to. We can murder that nigga. Hell yeah. He carries a gun in his fanny pack. No way. He does. Okay, Tom. It's a Tom. It's not a gun. Big difference. It's a Tom. It's a gun for your digestive system. You almost shot a shoeshiner before. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that was a. That was a low moment in my life. Yeah. He was black, right? No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a white shoe shiner. Nah, he was black, but, you know, K Dash, whatcha? I didn't wanna perpetuate black on black crime on tv, though. That's what I wanna do. So I tried to tell you a lot, but he was black. He was black as hell. I love it. What else is going on in your world? Anything else crazy, man? I had cut my dick fucking other day with my bracelet. Oh, my God. Wait, that can. That's that possibility? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It could happen. Yeah. Why? How did you. Why did you. So I spit on my hand and then I went like. You know what I'm saying? Go. And then this shit, it just cut my dick and I was bleeding and shit. Wait, I got the pussy supposed to be wet. I mean, it supposed to be wet. Yeah. But you. You have your hand, too. Little bit of lubricant and one of them little excellent. Jeremy, you ever did that before you spit on it? I ain't talking to you. Yeah. Oh, Jeremy only spits on it. Cocktail. She started a podcast, by the way. Cam, you did it again. We have absolutely love you. You're the best. How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson, huh? There you go. Jeremy, sit down, sit down. You don't have to do that. I was at your first time. Was that your first time ever being seeing Cam Patterson live? Being called the N word does that. Oh, yeah. Well, Jerry calls me before I go to bed sometimes, but by a real black guy. Yeah, like, that was fucking very cool. Good day, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You know, a service is solid when it gets great word of mouth. That's why I wanted to let you know what people are saying about our sponsor, ZipRecruiter. The marketing manager of NextKey said, The number one reason why we love ZipRecruiter is because it's so fast and easy. And the CEO of Walls Need Love said, I posted a job on ZipRecruiter and found my lead graphic designer within just a few days. The takeaway? If you're hiring. ZipRecruiter excels at finding qualified candidates fast. Red Bam. Tony. I love ZipRecruiter. It makes hiring for your business so easy. No wonder all these successful businesses use it to hire. And right now, you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com KelTony Zip Recruiter's powerful matching technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. And immediately after you post your job, it starts showing you qualified people for it. In fact, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See why ZipRecruiter is the hiring site employers prefer for Most based on G2. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire. We got another bucket bowl. It's another one name. One word name just like you, Jeremy. It's like a theme. Tonight, 50% of our bucket pools have been one word. Names. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Benjamin, everybody. Here comes Benjamin. All right. Thank you, everyone. My name is Benjamin, and I have a very weird vacation activity. I like to get in the cars with strangers hitchhiking. I know you guys are looking at me. I'm Thinking the same thing. I wouldn't pick me up either. But I've hitchhiked all over the world and I've seen some strange shit. Like in Mongolia, I got in a car. There was no floor, just two wooden planks. How do you design your car? Based off of the Flintstones? I would just think of the whole time we're yabba dabba screwed. I have to think about that one. One thing I did enjoy about it, good calf workout. I also. So I also. I also speak another language. I speak Chinese. A lot of people look at me, they're like, you're American. How does that work? I only thought you spoke freedom. But I do speak Chinese. Very difficult language. Like, for example, take these two words, kojiao. And Kojiao sounds the same. Very different. One of them is face masks. The other one is blowjob. I was very confused at that Chinese spa. Yeah. They asked if I wanted a face mask. I pulled my pants down. No happy ending. There you go. Thank you. Benjamin. Benjamin. Benjamin. Wow. Hello, Benjamin. Hey. What's going on, Tony? How's it going? What is going on? That's a great question. So let's talk about it. How long you been doing standup, Benjamin? About three years. Three years. Where at? Lithuania. Wow. How long have you been doing it in America? One day. One day. So you must be funnier in Lithuanian. Oh, yeah, much funnier. Do you know how to. You know how to. How does it do a joke in Lithuanian? That's good. Was that yabba dabba. Do interrupt. Exactly. Exactly. Incredible. You left a long pause after the Flintstones joke while people were laughing at how unbelievably stupid the joke was. Oh, yeah. Oh, I disagree. You loved it. I thought that was the best joke. Yabba dabba. Don't not do that joke anymore. Thank you. Keep doing it. Thank you. Yabba dabba. Don't not do that joke anymore. Yeah, I was trying to figure out how to tell him to keep doing it while also having some fun with that work. Are you a. Did you think about perhaps saying, yeah, but Abba do keep doing that joke? Not until just now. Tony. Hey. What are you a Flintstones fan? Love the Flintstones. Okay, little Flintstone trivia. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is Flintstones trivia. Here we go. I'm probably going to film. Well, what's up, guys? My name's Jeremy. Welcome back to do you know the Flintstones? I'm here with Vladi Divas and. Sorry, I already forgot. What was your first name again? Benjamin. Benjamin. Is he Lithuanian. But he's Yugoslavian. No body. Deb. He knows. Oh, yeah. No, they. They asked me if I was Lithuanian. I was like, no. Right. Let's just get. Okay. You ready to play? We do it on Flintstones. Okay. Who is Mary de Wilma? Fred. Lucky guess. What, does Fred scream every time he gets his Fruity Pebbles stolen? Oh, fuck. If you lose, Cam's gonna come out here and shoot you, all right? Shoot me? No. So have you seen Fruity Pebbles commercials? I've seen the Fruity Pebbles commercial. There you go. He's like, red, lime, yellow, orange, lemon lime and lead and together to Fruity Pebbles. I gotta trick Fred. Who trying to trick Fred? Oh, wait, Barney. Barney's trying to trick me. He got it right. Give it up for him. He got it right. Last one. You're two for two. Last one. What is the name of the bird that does the dishes? The bird. What is the name of the bird? You guys seen Flintstones? So you know when they open the dishwasher and it's a fucking bird and he's like, oh, now I gotta do the dishes again. Who the fuck is that guy? Is it the pterodactyl? I don't know. Yeah, but what's his fucking name? Washing Man. Who? The washing bird. The fuck if I know. Hit me with a. With a budget. Red Man. There you go. That's a red band with a buzzer. Here you go. Not even on sound effect. There you go. Yep. That'll have to do. Fucking wrong, bitch. Up. His name is Allan. Should have known that. I'm sure he made that up. Thanks for playing. Hey, thank you. All right, here you go. Here's a little joke book. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Benjamin. Going to keep this fun train moving along? Sure. Here you go. Here. You know what? Get back up there for a second. I have a couple more questions for you. What do you do for a living? I actually. So I teach English, and I actually run a comedy club in Lithuania. You run a comedy club in Lithuania? Yeah. Where? Wait, how long have you been in Lithuania? Three years. How did you end up there? I'm a yes man. Someone asked me if I want to live there, and I said, all right. Someone asked you if you wanted to live in Lithuania? Who's the someone? A good friend of mine. It's a very long story. So I was doing my master's degree in China, and one of my best friends was Lithuanian there. And he said, why don't you come live in Lithuania? I'm like, all right. Didn't do any research. So how did it go? What's. I thought you said it was a long story. Yeah, I was making it short for you. All right. What's Lithuania like? Tell us what's different about Lithuania and America? Well, Lithuania is a very interesting country. It's like this duality. Like actually it recently came out. It's the top happiest country in the world for people 30 and below. And also number one in the EU for suicide. Don't go to your comedy club. Oh, no. And then it's. Wait, number one for suicide. Suicide in the eu, Gary. I should have waited. Yeah. Those are the people that go to your comedy club. There you go. See, it's amazing. I've been trying to reduce the numbers of suicide there through murder. Oh, I have a question. Do you. Who is the like. Who's like the fucking Dane cook of Lithuania? Like, who's your fucking. I'm pretty sure you're looking at him, Jeremy. It's just me and three other people. That's it. Total comedians. Oh, no. Lithuanian comedians is like them. But there's like Oleg Shurai would be the olev scribe Shiraya. And he's like the best. I would say he's one of the best. That's awesome. Is there like a secret show there? Like Redman has you have any special skills or talents or hobbies or anything? Me? Yeah. Yes, you. You're the one that's up there. Yeah, I gotta make sure. I was like, there he goes, everybody. There goes Benjamin. We're gonna keep it moving along. Me, me. That's a first in this show's history. I do believe me. He said he goes, me. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I think I need that tonight. All right, your next comedian. We know this guy, he works here at the Mothership. A very solid local comedian. Make some noise for Adam Lucky, everybody. It's been a long time since he's been on this show. Here's a new minute from Adam Lucky. I've been doing some fuckin'I'm. Pretty grade A alpha fucker. I do lay it down pretty good for a guy with resting. I will follow you home, face. I fuckin will. Ladies, take that to the grave, which will be tonight if you play your cards right. I very generous lover. I don't know, a lot of people tell me. Cause a lot of times when I have sex with a woman, I let her live. And I think that's pretty badass. I like dirty. I never understood the concept of talking dirty sex. Because a Lot of times when you have sex with a woman and you talk, it'll wake her up and then it's just like, hey, boo. Gross. Just mad about that. I don't know. I guess no means no. I'm all about that. But if they can't say no. Kobe. Am I right? Good. It's fine. You can make jokes about Kobe. He wasn't as perfect as everyone thought. I was a real trick parent. Real helicopter dad. That's what I am. It's fine. You're allowed to do it. These black. Okay. Fuck yeah. Is that not a minute. No. There it is. All right. Hell yeah. Okay. Adam Luckey, welcome back. Adam. What's up, Tony? It's been a long time since you've been on this show. You've been on many times. Vulcan, here, everywhere, right? Yeah, I think four years ago was the last time. I just moved to Austin when I did it. Yeah, sounds about right. How's life been going for you? Tell us about it. I'm working here. My wife ended up getting a job being manager of the creek in the cave. So that's pretty badass too. Okay. We have a daughter and she's doing good. How's your daughter? She's five. Five? Incredible. So you're a father. Even though you look like a grandmother, I know that I look like an Adam Ray character. Who's Adam Ray? It might be me. Maybe it's me. Yeah, if you were him, that'd be wild. Dude, that'd be. It actually is. You know how long he had to be in hair and makeup to look like you? Adam, that's exactly. That's exactly what. I was just kidding. This is an anime. It's. It's. You're. We'll edit this out. So what is your. What is your favorite joke of yours? Because I really like. Your opening was great. Came out with good energy. You're super likable. I have this one joke where I just. I name off every word that rhymes with trigger and I really think that's pretty badass. Whoa. Okay, let's hear that. Go with it, Adam. How does that go? I can't. I can't remember it. I haven't done it in a long time. I forgot. I forgot the punchline. Do it. My bad. Okay. You ever seen the Flintstones? No. Jeremy, we can. Flintstones, everybody. The things that rhyme with trigger. That could be a Joel McHale show. Oh my goodness. Should we call Joe McHale? Oh, wow. Oh, here we go. Adam, is your five year old smart? I guess. I mean, she's for a kid. She's kind of talking sometimes. Yeah, she talks? Yeah. Shut the up. What's she talking about? Nonsense. Spends 40 minutes telling me that she likes Bluey, so that's pretty cool. What's Bluey? It's a show that like kids and like retarded adults watch. Okay. Do you watch it? I fucking love it. Yes. What's it about? It's just like deep storytelling. It's like really kind of like, you know, it's kind of hard to understand. How about when you're getting away from the lady and the kid, what do you like to do other than stand up comedy? Any. Anything else? Well, up until recently I was doing a lot of drugs and booze, but I've cut back on that lately. So. What drugs? Cocaine, a lot of that. When did you stop doing cocaine? Or how often do you still do it if you do? I stopped doing it. I'd say like two months now. Oh, okay. Yeah. And how often were you doing it before two months? I'd say like a double Hans gim amount. Yeah. So what if you had to guess? Ballpark it? I don't know. I was doing it probably like five times a week. Wow. Damn. Off of a young comedian salary worried. I mean. Yeah, well, you know, my wife wasn't stoked about that part, I'll be honest. Right. I see that. What's the craziest thing you've done on a night of drinking and cocaine? I'm boring as hell. I just go home and jack off for seven hours. Wow, dude, that's really my favorite thing to do. Yeah, what is? It's badass. What is? Jerking off on coke. Like, because I've, I've been. I've been my nuts. What? What is it? Jerking off on coke, like. Oh, it's awesome. I finished Pornhub like six weeks ago. I'm done. You shot every video? Yeah, I finished it. I got an achievement, like on Xbox. It's badass. Seven hours of jerking off. Well, it works. It's like. Is that how long it takes for you to come? Well, no, it's just you. It's so much fun on cocaine. You don't want to stop. Just keep coming. No, no, I hold it up until like one major bust. Wow, that's incredible. Jesus Christ. You have neighbors? Not anymore. They moved. They got tired of the howling. Wow, incredible. I've jerked off on Diet Coke before. That's pretty cool. On Diet Coke? Yeah, like six Diet Cokes before I went to bed and then saved it up. For one big bus. Un. Unbelievable. Craziest porn you've ever seen. What are you. It's like the weirdest shit that you got into. You ever get into a weird phase with it? I mean, like, not into it because I'm not fucking gay or anything, but I watched two dudes fuck each other in the ass at the same time. That was probably the craziest thing I ever saw. Oh, wow. Two dicks inside of each other. It's a lot of bending and flexing. Impressive as hell. That's where I normally start, baby. That's just how I get hard. Okay, yeah, that's pretty wild. That's about as gay as it gets. You said right before, you said that you watched two dudes fuck a man in the ass at the same time. You said it's, like, not gay. I wanted to make sure. I wanted to see if I was gay or not. So I just tried everything. So I'm still. I haven't fucked a black guy yet, so that's the only thing I gotta try. Then I'll know. Then I'll know if I'm gay. Well, we got good news for you, Deep Madness. We have a beautiful woman who wants you to fuck her in the ass up here. Nice. Nice long hair. My pussy's in the back, though. So that's gonna be the name of your next special. My Pussy's in the back. Unbelievable. Adam, if you. Two months off the hard stuff, if you had to give some advice out there to someone, perhaps trying to get off of hard drugs, perhaps. Absolutely. Live in the middle of nowhere, Star, Mississippi, or something like that, what would your advice be? I don't know. If you got nothing going on, I would just say keep doing it. There you go. I have, like, a family, and I'm trying to, like, get better at comedy, so I stopped for that. But, yeah, if I live. I had nothing going on. I'd done that until I died. I think that's a good call also. Well, you're. You're super fucking funny, man, so don't die. Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll do my best. All right, well, die then. Adam, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. I'd love to. Thank you. And it's been four years. I don't think we were even giving out joke books back then. So take one of those mama jamas made by the great bonsai, who also made me this sweet fucking crazy ass vest. Diabolical vest. There you go. All right, back to the bucket. We go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to your next comedian, who goes by the name of Noah Dassat. Noah Dasat. Make some noise for Noah, everybody. This is my joke book. I lost it recently, and a homeless man picked it up. He read it and he made notes in it. And I saw him later and he was just like, here. And first thing he wrote to me is, it's okay to be white. Which I don't think he's been to Florida, and definitely not Florida prison. I remember my first day in Florida prison. They were like, hey, man, you got to stick with your race. And I looked around and I was like, you know, my only tattoo is a star, David. And I was like, I don't know. These people have. They all have swastika tattoos. I don't know who I'm supposed to hang out with, but, yeah, I mean, realistically, I prefer to hang out with my black friends. So I just spend a lot of time alone. Okay, I'm guessing that's the end. Pulled back, looked at me. Noah Desat. Shockingly, not the worst set of the night. Welcome, Noah. What's going on, bud? Step up to that microphone, man. I feel like you have no fucking idea where you are right now. What's going on, buddy? How are you, man? Hey, Tony. Hello. Nice to see you. Yeah, good to see you. What have you been doing your whole life, man? Just getting into all types of. Okay, let's talk about it. How long you been doing? Stand up into it. I haven't. This is your first time ever? What's the first time? I prepared. Okay, that was the prepared set or did you. Yeah, yeah, that was prepared. I would love to see you go off the cuff right now. Grab the microphone and hold it in front of your face that you don't have to. You that completely insane lean in thing that you were about to make a habit out of. Wow. You know, it's crazy when I get an applause break from Red band. We've been doing this a long time together. It was crazy what you were doing. You don't even know that, though, because you don't know. I have. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I don't fucking know, dude. All right? No. What. What Delta 8 shop do you work at exactly? What do you do for work? I really just wanted to work the door, honestly. Where? Here? No, I don't even do the hiring or the firing here. I have no control whatsoever. But zero percent chance that's happening. That's not how it works. Literally, some of the funniest humans in the world work here. Well, yeah, okay. It's words. Word. Yeah, words. Those were words. So, Noah, what do you do for work now? I'm trying to figure that out. You're trying to figure out what you do for work now? Hold on, Jeremy. I really need to just interview this guy. For instance. Stick with Noah just for a second. Hold on to those thoughts, though. I don't want to. I don't want to cock block you, Jeremy, but I got a fucking. There's a lot of work to be done here. This is a fucking er and this guy's just split wide open. So when you say you're trying to figure out, what do you do? You don't have a job is what you're saying. Yeah, well. Good Lord. This is incredible. A lot, bro, I didn't have. I did not have a dollar in my pocket for five months. Okay? Yeah, okay. Why? How? No, don't put the five away. No, Jeremy, put that five away. How did you end up broke, Noah? I've been struggling with interviews tonight, and then I come across this gold mine. I just feel like we're about to get in the zone right now, Noah. Me? Not you, me. I'm an artist. Yeah, I'm an artist. What kind of artist? So I'll do, like, graffiti. Okay. And I just like. So the money in your life that you have made, how did you do that? At times I hit licks. Hit licks? Yeah. What does that mean exactly to you? Like middleman. Like exports west coast to east coast marijuana. Okay. Yeah. I was very close with my Delta 8 prediction. You do you have been part of transporting marijuana coast to coast? Yeah. Okay. Did you drive it? I feel like you don't have a license. Do you have a driver's license? Yeah, I do. Yeah, dude, you use it. Do you have a car? I don't have a car. No, you don't have a car. Right? You almost looked at me like, I'll go, of course I do. But you don't. Okay, let's talk about it. We're going to be interviewed for this Netflix documentary, 100%. Dude. Noah, how old are you? 41. 41 years old. Here you are. I love this. I love having all different shapes and sizes of people on. People get mad when somebody doesn't have a great set. And I continue the interview. But I think there's something behind those fucking eyes, Noah. I see it. I see it. There's something there. It's not funny yet, but there's something there. What Makes you, in a million years, want to work the door at a place like this. Oh, I'm just. Yeah, just. My life's just pretty chaotic. Tell us about it. What's the chaos in your life? Oh, man. Give us a couple examples here. Fighting. You get into fights or there's fighting in your life? Yeah, I've gotten into a lot of fights. Okay, when's the last fight you got into? I've been like, just today. Okay, tell us about today's fight. Oh, Jeremy, tell us about today's fight. Oh, yeah, no, there's somebody. He said he want to spar, you know, and then. Hold on. Where are you? Paint the picture a little bit, Noah. I'm down at the Springs. I'm down at the Barton Springs. Okay, so you're. You're halfway in the river. You're in the river. You're. I'm by the river. By the river, right? And this guy comes out of nowhere and he goes, I want to spar. I know it's. It's been. Last few days, I've just been like, kind of like helping people train, I guess up there or like. Yeah. What? So, yeah, see, how does that. Hold on, Joe. If I win a spar, you'd be like, cool, meet me by the river. And then we just start fucking shadow boxing. Do you ask. Hold on, guys. Hold on a second. This is absolute insanity. And I'm. It's. This interview is just beginning. That was like the part of Jumanji when the monkeys come out. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, okay, so let me get this right. You hang out by the river. All right, all right, stop, stop. Put the game away. All right, all right. Sonoa. You hang out by the river. That's kind of. Oh. First of all, how did you end up in Austin? How did. What made you come here? What made you come to Austin, Texas? So I was living in Houston with mother of my daughter, and she decided to come live in a housing project out here because it was free. And, you know, I came and I want to be close to my daughter. Right. How old's your daughter? She's eight. Eight years old. Very good. There's a lot of. It's a lot of kids being raised by drug addicts around here. For those of you, the last comedian is a four year old, two months off of Blow. What are your drugs that you do to Kill Tony babies? Yeah, these are the Kill Tony babies, ladies and gentlemen. Real education system here. We're gonna leave them all with Jeremy at the daycare. Center are here soon and Ash, what's up? Okay. Hilarious. So you remind me of my camp counselor. Okay, hold on a second. I'm still working here. I need to get information out of Noah. So what drugs have you done? What do you. What do you like? Mostly just marijuana, but some psychedelics just for the medicinal. Okay. Just for the medicinal benefits. Seems like they're working pretty well. Consciousness benefits? Yeah. What's the. What's the biggest breakthrough that you've had consciousness wise on a psychedelic drug? You ever have a real moment, honey bear bong? Well, I took mushrooms and I felt that it simultaneously brought me closer to myself and removed me from what I was. So that was pretty fantastic. Amen. Okay. Yeah. The lady that thinks that tum was a lime is agreeing with you right now in the audience. An audible yah from the exact spot that that lady was in. What are the odds? Okay. You know, she goes to bars and she's like, yeah, can you put a tum in my vodka soda? All right, that sounded funnier in my head. So, Noah, you have an 8 year old. What does your baby mama do for a living? She's in graduate school to be a therapist. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And who watches the kid when she's at school? I don't live with her. Right, yeah. Which leads me to my question. Who takes care of your child while your baby mama is at school? It's your eight year old. The question that we're talking about, your eight year old daughter, am I correct? It's a daughter. Yeah, a variety of people. She's very popular. Her, Her. Her Mimi. Her grandma. Yeah, her Mimi. Both sides? Yeah. All right, very good. Is she Latina, your baby mama? She's not. She's not? No, Just a regular white girl. She's pretty regular. She's off white. She's Greek, so she's off white. I like that when you don't think about the answer. You're kind of funny if you try to, like, not think. If you just go with your initial. Let's try that starting now in this interview. Okay. Try to, like, not be embarrassed or think of what's cool. Let's just go with your gut there because off white, that's kind of all right. Yeah, that's what I always say. That's a bumper sticker. Make it straight to print. Thank you, Yoni. Okay, so, Noah, your next question without thinking of the answer. Okay, here we go. What's your love life like now? I'm addicted. Addicted to sex. Addicted to Sluts? Yeah. Addicted to sluts. Yeah. So take us through. I love this, by the way. I'm right about you when you don't think about it. Fucking amazing. So tell us, what's your addiction? Like, how does it work? Is it a daily thing or is it. Does it a lot happen by the river? Are you like, what's up, babe? Well, like, I like this. Like, I'm. I always just tell people, like, what up, pimp? You know, you say that to us, I say that to people even though I don't want to. You say that to girls? No, dude. Dudes. You know what I mean? Oh, okay. Do you. You are. Some of say you're into sluts. Do you mean both men and women? No. Oh, just women. Okay, so here's my question. When you see a woman who appears in your mind to be slutty, what's your, like, opening line with her? Oh, I don't do all that. What do you mean? Well, I mean, that's the whole point, right? It's like, what the fuck are you talking about right now? I literally am trying so hard to, like, follow, but you keep changing the fucking topic. It's like, like, if you were like a McDonald's drive through guy and I was like, can I eat some fries? And you were like, yeah, I mean, we'll go to space eventually. I'm like, or give me the fries. All right, so how many sluts do you think about in one day? Don't even think, just answer. Like, how many sluts you thinking about right now? How many sluts? It's you, baby. Semi. Just you. Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna. You. I didn't know how to answer that. My first time is not gonna be with a guy from Salute your shorts. That's a Nickelodeon TV show. Look it up. Okay, all right. Whoa, whoa. All right. Noah, I just can't get enough of this. There's something about you. I just can't stop. So how often do you see your 8 year old? I saw her on Monday. Yeah, but how. This is. First of all, this is Monday. The answer would either be a week ago or today. Which one? Last year was. It was exactly a week ago. Yeah, exactly a week ago. Yeah. And so if you had to guess was the time before that. Is it like a once a week thing? Once every couple weeks? It's as much as I can. What is that? Which. It seems like you have a pretty wide open fucking schedule, dude. Pretty fucking open for business out there teaching free sparring lessons. By the river. I literally, like, don't even need to think of jokes. I could just repeat back your answers. Okay, so how often? Yeah, I'm trying to. I'm trying to see her more. Does the baby mama not only let you sometimes. Yeah, it could be like that. It can be like that. Is it like that? Let me ask you this. I want to say as much as I can. Yeah. I just. Yeah. Why do you think your baby mama doesn't want you seeing the 8 year old more often? Sometimes the show's silly. Sometimes it's, you know, wild. This is like a serious, cool moment. At least I think so. And I'm the creator and executive. She would love to have me see her more. She would love that. I think that there are times when she feels that the connection that we've made and her attachment isn't totally secure. And so in that way, she would like that trust to be developed and melded together into something beautiful. And. Yes. Wow. Amazing. You said absolutely nothing there, by the way. Incredible. It was words. You're literally a male hippie, Kamala Harris. It's incredible. You answered and gave no answer at the exact same time. This is amazing. I'm so in. You have me in, like, gargoyle formation right now. I'm, like, climbing onto my chair because I'm trying to figure out this puzzle that is you. Tell us about some more of the chaos in your life. Have you been arrested before? Yeah. There you go. Rattle it off. What were you arrested for? Well, the last time. Last time? Yeah, the last time, I just needed a place to live, and I was. I looked up on Zillow, like, places that were, you know, abandoned or like, they're being rented. Oh. And then I found, like, a tree house in the back of this place that had a really nice, like, pool. And I was, like, swimming in the pool in my underwear. And then somebody came on the loudspeaker, and they're like, get out of my pool. They were on a loudspeaker? Yeah. Were you on drugstoring this? No. You were in somebody's tree house? Yeah. And they come over the lounge. Well, no, I was in their pool. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And so they were watching me swim in the pool, and they were like, hey, get it. Get out of there. And then I thought, you know, maybe they won't see me going to the tree house. So then I was just like, in the treehouse. For how long? Probably like an hour or something. And then I was gonna leave, but the mosquitoes. Because the mosquitoes really bad. And I was like, that's probably maybe isn't the best place to, like, squat, you know? Right. Because of the mosquitoes. You were getting bit by mosquitoes. Plus the person was literally like, please get off my property. Straight up. Get out of my pool and off my property. That didn't allow speaker somehow in their backyard. And you're like, maybe that tree house. Let me go. The way your brain works is incredible. It's good to see you smiling, though, even, you know, like this. Yeah, crazy. That's why. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. The police show up and they're like, get the fuck out of the treehouse. Right? Well, that's embarrassing. But I kind of, like, just curled up and thought maybe they, like, wouldn't see me. Even though they had their lights, like, right on me. It was kind of. And then what happened? Did they climb up the tree house? Did the police come up? Or did you eventually. Oh, you have a little crick in your neck. I think you just put a curse on us. Actual fucking. You ever seen the Ring when the kid's like. You're like, are you stretching your neck? She's like, something like that. Don't have bananas. Later. Oh, shit. It's funny. This is the tree house. I would watch six seasons of you living in a fucking tree house with nothing to survive on but mosquitoes and your fucking socks and that. And an outcast album. So how long were you in the pool for? Just give me a guess. Yeah, ballpark. How long were you in the pool? Like, 20 minutes. 20 minutes. And someone's like, please get out of our pool, right? And then you're like, there's a tree house. I'm gonna sneak up in the treehouse. How long were you in the tree house? Give me a guess. Like an hour. Okay. And then all of a sudden, did you hear alarm? First of all, Red Band actually brings up a great question. How many. How many times do you think you got bit by mosquitoes while in the treehouse? Just take a guess. Do, like, 30 times, probably. Oh, my God, 30 bites. Absolutely incredible. So you've been bit by 30 mosquitoes. You're held up in the tree house. The police come, and what do they say? Come down from the tree house. What do they give us? Just give us a guess of what they said. What do you remember? Why are you crouching in there? We already got the light on you. Oh, right. So it's nighttime, Correct. Oh, yes. Night. Okay. This isn't even how I pictured it. That's amazing. That's a Huge part of the story. So they're literally shining a flashlight and you're like, they don't know, but you're in a fucking tree house. I knew that they probably knew, but I thought what if on the off chance that they don't, it'd be just funny as fuck, you know what I mean? But that's just to me, you know. So then did they go up? Did. Yeah, yeah, they climbed. Yeah, they climbed up. And they did more than one. Come up into the treehouses. They're like, Jesus, this fucking mosquitoes, dude. How many police officers came up into a treehouse? Three or four or something. Four officers came up. Okay. I'm like, I feel like I'm losing my mind right now. It's been 20 minutes of me interviewing this guy. Fascinating. It is fascinating. I found out basically nothing. What's your next move? What do you think? How long have you been in Austin? Four years. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. And you've never had an actual job in Austin? Oh, no, I have. I worked at this healing arts center for the last few years. Healing arts center? Fake place. Yeah. Like, what do they do there? They have all these different healing modalities. You know, people who practice yoga, who do Reiki, who do. What do you do there? So I was. I did a mural, I was a host, I was a barista, and most recently I was a non alcoholic bartender. So, yeah, there's a lot of bugs around. Okay. All right, I'm gonna put a fucking ribbon on this. Okay. Can I say something? Yeah. So the last time you saw your girl was when? Monday. Right. And you're trying to reconnect with her, right? Yes, sir. Like, have you ever taken her to dinner and done something nice? Yeah, I would love to. You never have? No, of course I have. If you give him money. I know what you're thinking right now. I'm not gonna. Okay, good. No, I was just saying do something nice sometimes. Oh, okay. I'm not that fucking piece of shit, Adam Ray. I don't just give away free shit. I was saying you should maybe think about doing that. Take her to dinner, say, I don't fucking care about you. Let's get this back on track. I Absolutely enj. Enjoy. Like, I. I'm in love with every moment. I'm. I'm with her and I appreciate every moment. What's the coolest thing that you've done for her? She's eight years old. Seems like you kind of visit and then dip. What's like the most bonding moment? I showed her how to build an icosahedron out of, like, building blocks. Like, I showed. I showed her how to build all the five platonic solids out of building blocks, which I think was pretty cool. Yep. The five regular convex polyhedra that Plato discovered in the. You know. Have you done mushrooms with her already? What is happening? Here's a little joke bug. I fucked up. The Internet's gonna be furious at me for this. No way. This is great. I'm calling it now. You don't need to say anything. I already know I fucked up. I'm never listening again after that interview. I'm done forever. Why the did that happen? It's like, why did he have that deadbeat up there for 22 minutes? It was Brad Pitt from True Romance. No. No. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes. Are you guys still having fun out there? Your next. Next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brandon La Caruba. Brandon La Caruba. Here he is. What's going on, everybody? I got married in November of 2021. And thank you. Divorced April of 22. Thank you. I don't know what lived longer, our marriage or our fetuses. It was one of them. I don't know. I don't know the answer. It was definitely one of them. I had a pretty smooth divorce, though, I gotta say. You know, Kind of got through it pretty easy. But worst part about being single for me, I was single in my late 20s in New York, you know. Only thing to fuck were emos, juice, and microwaved bagels. So it's not really. I know that's what I said. That wasn't great until you get all three of those things together. An emoju with a bagel, a nice blink 180 juice. I'm a big fan, you know, I like them. They like me. They like all the small things. They're a little naggy, though. Like, if they text you and you don't text them back immediately, they're calling you up immediately. Like, where are you? I'm so horny. And I'm like, just give me the bagel. I'm good. Thank you. I'm Brandon. Okay. This is. This show is wild. Sure is. I've never experienced anything like this in my life, Sean. I swear. It's never like this. Unbelievable. Like, I don't know what's real and what's a character. I really have no idea. I have no idea. It's not you. It's me, John. I'm not over the last guy, but here we are. Hey. There we go. What's going on, fellas? Hello. What? How's it going? I'm great. This is a cool night for you. How long you been. Been doing Stand Up Five and Change? Five and Change where? We're where at? A lot of New York. Long island, regrettably, but yeah. Okay. Yeah. Just moved here about two months ago. Have you been on this show before? I have not. Okay. Yeah. All right. So five and some change. You're doing a lot of Blink 182 material. The entire minute was Blink 182. Yeah. They're back, though. They're back. Is that, like your thing? You the Blink182 guy, or. No, just this minute. I love girls that love Blink 182, so I. I tolerate Blink. A little whiny for me, but. No, it's good. What are you talking about? What's your. What's my. Like. Like the Arctic Monkeys? I like anime intro songs. You know, Red Band. I know. I knew Red Band would like that. Some Evangelion is a good way to work out. Someone wants to do the secret show this week. Brandon, let's talk about it. What do you do for work? I'm a manager at a Office Depot. And I. Wow. Yeah. It brings in the money. And I host game shows. Yeah. Imagine having to take orders from this guy. That was so fucking mean, Jesse. I'm sorry. No, but I. But it would be funny. Can you give us an example of what you sound like as a manager? Let's say Jeremy here, this sweet guy right here, was one of your employees, and he put the staplers on the wrong shelf at an Office Depot. Okay. And he tends to do this a lot. Yeah, he should have it figured out by now. Okay. And here we go. And action. Hey. So I got done putting all the staplers away. I cleaned all the. Off the bathroom walls, and I gave the candy back to that. The other guy that works at Office Depot with us that you said was that he was like that. I gave it back to him. So the staplers are. All. The staples are all in the right place, though. I put all the staples away. You will let him respond. Jeremy, go ahead. First I'd wipe the spit off my face and I'd be like, I didn't understand a word you said. But. But there's codes. Tells you where to put the stuff. You gotta put it up there or else we gotta let you go. Well, you guys change the fucking codes every other month, so I don't know what fucking code is the right One. Do you know what I'm saying? Can you, like, text me this? Can you write this down? I've been working here. You know my fucking dad owns Office Depot, right? I gotta be fired so fucking fast. Get it done. Do it. I hate that job. Do you really? No, it's okay. It's okay. I like my other job more, though. I host game shows at a place in Austin. What kind of game shows? It's a ripoff of Family Feud and Wheel of Fortune mostly. And we have our own names for it for copyright, but it's. It's really fun. Okay. Love doing it. I'll plug them. Game on. Atx. Good time? Yeah. You a big Mark Norman fan? He's the only famous guy I've opened for. You know how I could tell? How? Because you move, act, and react like him in every single line. Isn't that crazy that I was able to guess the one guy that you opened for? Comedy. I believe it. It's amazing. Yeah. Comedy. There you go. Right? I can't believe he's a man. That's incredible. Okay. Brandon La Caruba. Last time you did series. How old's your daughter? How old's my daughter? Yeah. We've had a streak. The last. So it's funny you ask. I've been telling as a joke that I'm a single dad with a black daughter. I have a bunny rabbit. I don't have a daughter. Okay. I'm a man with a rabbit. Wow. How long have you had a rabbit for? I've had a rabbit since I've been seven, but they only live, like, 10 years, so it's been like four or five rabbits. Wow. And have you ever done hard jogs, Jeremy? I'm sorry. You have a rabbit and you're not a magician? Awkward. Yeah. What the fuck, man? What do you do with this rabbit? They're cool pets. They're like tiny dogs. They can learn tricks. They know their name. What tricks does your rabbit know? All right. She's not good at tricks. I got her from a previous owner. Didn't teach her any tricks in those formative years, so, you know, she's not really into doing tricks. She's kind of setting her ways. All right. But, no, they're cool. They're cool pets. Are there any tricks that any rabbits can possibly do? Yeah, you can, like, make them do shit you want to do. Like what? All right, like you put your arm out and they'll. They'll hop over your arm like they know you know. No way. Sorry. I was expecting you to say, like, she'll fucking drive me when I'm drunk, you know? That's a cool trick. What's her name? Her name? Lily. Cool. Yeah. No, she's cool. They don't eat carrots. Bugs Bunny made that up. Don't feed rabbits carrots. It gives them bunny diabetes. It's bad for them. Great band name. Yes. Please welcome Bunny Diabetes. Yeah. This is one of the most insane episodes of this show I've ever seen in my entire life. And I've been there for all of them. Ladies and gentlemen, you are. There's a man that comes to every episode. He's literally not making eye contact with me or the show. He's sitting there looking down. I just caught you, chief. Literally looking down, like, why? What have I committed Mondays to in my life? I could have all these years. It's like literally having. What do you. So do you have? Is it Invisalign? I have Invisalign, yeah. And I sound like him when I don't wear him. Roasted wasn't even. I do. I do. I. I talk like this without them. It's. I wish I could afford a vision. I did go with the low ramp braces, you know, Smile, direct club. I get it. How much was the Invisalign line? It's too much, man. It was like 2500 bucks. Yeah. It was worth it, though. I mean, my teeth look way better, so. Yeah. Yeah. How much did you pay for your rabbit? Free. I. I stole that lady from previous owner. She was. She was mistreating her and they were giving her up, so I was like, sweet. I got a new rabbit. Mistreating a rabbit. So they're not like hamsters. You gotta let them out. You gotta give them at least a room to run around. And they had them. They had them locked up in the basement in the cage. It's not cool. It's like doing that. Imagine doing that to a dog. They're gonna be pretty pent up and not happy. Does they want rabbit, like, cuddle with you ever, or anything? Like. Yeah. I mean, she likes getting pets. She likes, you know, like, hanging out and I'll scratch her head and. But that's about it. If you pick them up, they think they're gonna get eaten. You know, animals are prey. So, yeah, absolutely. What's your love life like when you bring a girl back and she sees a rabbit in a fucking cage? What does she say? They tend to be very into it, man. Chicks love the bunny. Chicks love the bunny. And they. They just hang out with the bunny, you know, feed her treats, hop around. I've never heard that. Hey, man, come over and meet my rabbit. I'll show you a good time. My ex had a rabbit and there's little shit everywhere. You have little pieces of shit everywhere in your house. Yeah, no, I do. You gotta vacuum them up, though. They're dry. They're like Cocoa Puffs. You gotta suck them up. You can't. You said you love Family Feud, right? You host Family Feud? I do, I do. So let's play a little round. Name one. Name one thing. Name one chick that's fucked you when she saw your rabbit. And I'll be Steve Harvey. I'll be Steve Harvey. You answer. You answer. Ready? Sarah, Whoa is an amazing Steve Harvey impression. Okay. I've never done that Steve Harvey before. So you tell one girl. One girl. One girl. Yeah. No, they. They again, they. It helps. Brandon, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened. I went to Auschwitz once. That was pretty wacky. How was that? Too soon? It was a. It was a choir field trip for high school. You were in the choir? I went to college for singing. Okay, can we hear a little bit? A 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4. You guys know Knee Socks by the Arctic Monkeys? That's lame. That's a great album. All right. Shit, yeah. Come on. They can. They can do anything. It. They can do anything. How about Brandy by Looking Glass? You guys know Brandy? We'll follow you. How about the Schindler's List theme song? Okay. Oh, there's a port on a western bay and it serves a hundred ships a day. Lonely sailors pass the time away and talk about their homes. The sailors say, Brandy, you're a fine girl. You're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. You would be. But my life, my lover. My lady is the sea. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Brandon Luck. Karuba. Here you go, buddy. Coming at you, everybody. Booyah. There he goes. All right. Your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. I love this name. We're gonna see what happens here. Make some noise for your final bucket pool. It's Jenny with an Eye. Jenny with An Eye, Lady. Ladies and gentlemen, here comes Jenny with an Eye live here on the show. Oh, she's inside. Wow. One of your very own inside. Jenny with an Eye, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Jenny, make some noise. You're here at one of the craziest episodes. Here's Jenny with an Eye. I. I saw a billboard on the way over here. It had Nike slogan on it. Just do It. And I thought, that makes fucking sense. Because all I picture were kids in sweatshops and their boss yelling at them, just do it. Just fucking do it. Oh, you sucking me, Dicky? Yeah, I'm Puerto Rican. Yeah. Represent. I'm a very white Puerto Rican, though, if you can't tell from my accent. But don't worry, I'm still toxic with bad credit and a bitchy attitude. Probably because I seen the bottom of my mom's chancleta more than my father. But I'm tired of people always asking me, what type of Mexican are you? I given up. I'm like, I'm the lazy kind and the legal kind, bitch. This lady I worked the other day, she was like, if you're Puerto Rican, have you ever stabbed anybody? I was like, no, I never stabbed anyone today. I'm about to stab you next, bitch, if you keep talking. All right, you guys, I'm Jenny with an I. Thank you, Jenny with an I. What's up? What's going on? Jenny, how long you been doing standup? I'll make a year next month on my birthday. Okay. Where you been doing it at? Orlando, Florida. And you're just visiting here? I'm visiting, yeah. Okay. What do you do for work in Orlando? Huh? What do you do for work? Real estate. You good at it? Yeah. You make good money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm here. I get to travel. It's, you know, not bad. I love it. I love it. It could be your catchphrase. That's a good way to attack. You know how, like, I have and that's what's up to end my jokes? Yeah, that could be. You say you're joking, you go, I like it. Kind of fun. Yeah. You don't have to do it for the special. For a special? Yeah. Are you doing a special? No. Oh, well, not with that attitude. Yeah. You gotta believe in yourself. Yeah. I mean, someday. Yeah. Could you. What? I'm trying to get a move out of my apartment soon to a duplex. You want to open up for me? Sure. Sure. Yeah. All right. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Oh, my. Let's do it. This is a crazy day for Jeremy. Don't fuck with me right now. It's been a wild day. Well, where. Where do you perform? In Orlando. Orlando. At, like, the improv? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you're kind of scary, but. Yeah. I mean, but you seem fun. What's your favorite thing to do if we. If we. After the show, like, what, do you like to drink or karaoke? Yeah, sure. What do you really do for fun? I go out. I go to the gym. I travel. When you go out, what do you like to do? I drink with friends. Yeah. Have a good time. Tequila. I like tequila. I like Tito's. Yeah, that's Four Loko. I can do that. Twisted tea or something. How do you know about Four Loko? Oh, well, it's a long story, but let's just say Jerry and I, the one time we fucking had, like, a night out, we fucking drank 1604 lo. And let's just say we grabbed a couple of bird scooters. And let's just say we fucking went over to that guy Brandon's house and fucking taught his bunny some tricks. And it rhymes with suck your dick and hey, sounds like a good time time. Meow. And so. No. I don't know. It's too. It's too crazy, though. Yeah. All right. I like your jacket. Okay. What's your love life like, Jenny with an eye? I'm in a relationship. What's your boyfriend do for work? Same thing. We met at work. He's in real estate. Yeah. Did you guys. You really do have a catchphrase there. I know. Did you guys hook up on a work. Work site? Pretty much. Explain to us how that happened. You know, I was slacking on my sales and he kind of helped me, and it's been a love ever since. I mean, I feel like I've seen this video, you know, I mean, and you're looking oddly familiar, pornhub. Wait, so, question. As a guy who hasn't done it yet, what did your guy do that made you go like. Okay, you can do that jump saying, like. What do you start with? Well, he has a big, you know. Whoa. No, I don't. Fucking huge. Whatever you just did with your hands. Yeah, I was fucking that big. He's Puerto Rican. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Oh, this guy. Oh, that is a huge cock. This guy's waving his dick. Represent. That was his cock talking, not the guy. What is 1% mean? 1%? Yeah. What do you mean? Did you just say 1%? No, I said represent. Oh, okay. I couldn't hear you through. We're very proud Puerto Rican accent. Okay. Very proud people indeed. What's your favorite thing about being Puerto Rican? The food. Yeah. What are the famous foods of the Puerto Rican culture? Rice and beans. Oh, Mexican food. No, Gordo chicas. Yeah. Whoa. Red Banner Senior Puerto Rican food correspondent. Wow. I've never heard you speak another language before. Whoa. Red man living la vida loco over here, huh? That's all his pornhub searches. Wow. Yeah, Tony, see the size of that. Size of that ring she's wearing. Huh? The size of that ring she's wearing is. Let me see. Where's the ring? Bling. Bling. Oh, wow. Look at that. You are Puerto Rican. You've invested all of your money in this. I'm not pregnant, though. Incredible. Are you guys trying. You guys trying to have a kid? Nah. Why not? I don't know. Because he pulls out is by the reaction. He's not really giving you a choice. Nah. He pulls out and shoots it all over the homeowners manual. That's in the. I have an IUD because, you know, Puerto Rican, Latina women. Yeah. You know. Yep. I gotta have that, you know, baby killer thing, you know? Absolutely. What can iud? Is that like an iou? Yeah. I'm serious. I don't know what that is. It's a thing that they put up inside a woman's vagina. What the fuck? Why? That way you don't have kids or you don't get pregnant. It's like birth control. So when the jizz comes up, it just. It's like, fucking, get out of here. Yeah, just like, boof, bop up. I don't want no jizz. That's why I got an IUD up inside me hanging out the passenger side. I don't know the rest after that, but hey, that's fucking cool. Well, that's. What's up. Jenny with an eye. I like your style. I'm giving you a medium sized joke book. There she goes. Jenny with an I. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that point of the show in which there's simply nowhere else to go other than the hall of famer, the record holder for all time interviews, appearances on this show. All time new minutes. I present to you the Virginia ham. The Toledo track star. The Memphis strangler, the vanilla gorilla. This is indeed the Big Red machine. William Montgomery, everybody. Last week in North Korea, flooding killed 4,000. Kim Jong Un reacted to the floods by executing 30 government officials. Apparently, Kim Jong Un was pissed that he wasn't the one who killed the 4,000 people. Am I a bad person for not watching the Paralympics? Okay, yeah, that wasn't even really a joke. Okay. I remember when my mom got pregnant with my youngest brother and the rumor around town was that it wasn't actually hers. See, normally you would say like his. Okay, let's keep this moving. I was up in Minnesota this weekend and I've got to say, I'm so impressed with Kamala Harris, running mate and current governor of Minnesota, Tim Walz. The guy is my hero. It's insane. He not only took out a Nazi bunker by himself during World War II, but he's also taken the Minnesota Vikings to three straight Super bowl wins. So I love Tim Walz. That is my time. Tony Hinchcliffe. Thank you, sir. Why'd you roll your eyes like that, William? I don't know. My throat is killing me, Tony. At the end of my final set at the Mall of America this past weekend, all the shows were great, but I was tasting a lot of blood in my mouth, so why do you think that was from yelling? I think I was literally tasting blood, so I might need to go to the doctor or something. My throat literally feels like strep throat right now. It's really a nightmare. I was not in the best mood today. I've googled it. You can drink your own blood. It's fine. I cut myself from eating stuff all the time and just drink the blood. I don't want to be in between this. Willie. I'm an electric star of the show. Very interesting that this throat thing, blood in the mouth, that this is all happening because you've been screaming, famously screaming, for longer than anybody, over half a decade here live on this show weekly. Why it has, Tony, I don't know. Your health is giving out now. I don't know. I mean, I've been kind of. I have my. I'm off of the stimulants. I haven't been taking my Adderall recently, which is a good thing. But I'm still not hungry. I haven't been as hungry recently. I think I probably have cancer or something. I think I'm probably. I'll find out soon. I'm dying is my only thought. Have you been to a doctor late? I've not been to a doctor other than a dermatologist in years. Since the. Since the Armenian women in Glen Green. I can't remember where it was. Somewhere in la. You want to tell us that? Glendale. Yeah. Thanks. What is this? Lime. Just take it. Oh, Tom. But yet, Tony. I don't know. It's very disconcerting. I think it's all of the. I don't know. It's the longer shows. Yelling. I'm yelling too much, Tony. I know people hate it, but I have fun doing it. It seems like people have a good. But I'm gonna have to do something different. Something's got to change, Tony. I mean, it's turning into a nightmare. What are some options? I don't know. Maybe sort of more jokes. Like kind of like talking like this. Maybe just maybe maybe more kind of low. And then it really won't hurt my voice if I just kind of talk. Do you like. Do you like that, John? When I kind of talk like that, do you think that's kind of funny? I'm into it. Cool. I like most of the. I feel like the ailments you have are internal because I. You look great. Oh, my gosh. Well, thank you. You look great too. What is that accent? Are you from Tennessee? I am. I'm from Tennessee as well. Really? Where are you from? Nashville. I live in Nashville. I'm from Memphis. Let's go. Let's be friends. Cool. Sounds good. Nice to meet you. Yeah. I didn't know what you were going to say. You guys gonna fuck? What's going on right now? Amazing chemistry. I gotta tell you. I've never seen William warm up to anybody like this. Yeah, it's wonderful. I love a fellow, fellow Tennesseean. Oh, I'm sorry. I dropped it. Well, been there before. Just. Just guessing here. We'll see. You're gonna make me eat this. And it had fallen on the ground before. Do whatever you want. Oh, William. Has anyone ever told you you look like carrot tops floor after he shaved his balls? It's a compliment. I love Carrot Top. I love Carrot Top. Yeah. One of my. My favorite comedians, Carrot Top, David Lucas and Seinfeld. I love that last. That's quite the. That's quite the list you have there. Carrot Top, out of that order. David Lucas and Seinfeld. Yep, that's my dream show. Open for those three. Same show for one of those charities the first guy was talking about. I love the small. The quiet joke thing, William, with like some sweet music underneath it, like some drums. Maybe just some music like that. I would listen to a whole album of you doing that. Oh, yeah, we do a joke with that. Yeah. Well, thank you all so much for being here. Austin, Texas. It is really a nice time. I've actually been having a pretty rough go of it recently. I think I have some sort of cancer in my tummy, but it's making it so I'm not really hungry. So I am losing weight, so that kind of helps because sometimes I see these fat asses walking on the street and I just think, what is their fucking issue? It's like, is it a gland problem? Is it a self control problem? It's just these fat, nasty people I see and I just want to fucking Shoot them with the gun that I have. But, yeah. It's so nice to be here, Austin. I'm hoping I can be around for a little longer, but I really haven't been feeling good recently, so. But it seems like John and I are maybe somebody, so maybe you inch it a little close, bud. Red band, help me. I think, though, you know, I'm. I'm just trying to take it all in here. And the thing that stands out to me is you. You know, the Kill Tony fan base. I think the thing that's gonna stand out to the universe that listens to us, you, every single week is this not screaming thing. Have we. Yeah, they're gonna get used to it. You have. You've stopped. I'm stopping. I'm not gonna fucking scream anymore. I can't, Tony. I'm literally in horrible pain right now. I was scared to come up here tonight. I was scared to death. I haven't gotten strep throat in many years. I got my tonsils taken out with my brother Vance. Yeah, it's not good. So I just can't yell anymore. So we're gonna go quiet. And if it doesn't work quiet, I'm gonna move back home to Memphis and just quit doing comedy. I'm like. I'm getting to the part where I'm getting sick of this and I'm gonna. You gotta keep going. Really? You gotta keep going. Do you ever go through times like that, John, where you don't want to keep on doing it? What. What helps you make it through? I reach out to my friends. Really? Yeah. Could I get your number after this? I'm not even kidding. Could I? Because I really need some. Somebody like you right now. Okay. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, no, I was kidding. I thought you were. Yeah. You can't say it right in front of everybody, but yeah. Tony, I don't know. I'm gonna have to. We're gonna have to see. I'm gonna have to evolve. I'm gonna have to change everything up so when it comes to screaming, you have stopped. I'm done. You heard it here. I'm finished screaming. I mean, I completely stopped. It's done, Tony. Well, D. Madness says he doesn't believe you. What do you have to say to D? Look D in the eyes and tell him, oh, look D in the eyelids. No, look D in the eyelids. You missed it earlier when William was getting really, really honest. D Madness goes. I can see. I can see the darkness. So funny. But yeah, Tony. So we'll see. Oh, excuse me. D, man, as well. That's okay. We'll see. But. Yeah, so we'll see. Tony. I don't know, it might be bubbling up. I feel like the yelling is. I could. I could just do sound bits of everything he says. Yeah, we're gonna need sound effects of him back in the day when he was in his prime yelling. Yeah. So I'm gonna get on that red band. Get on that. Will you be able to help me with that? Okay. I don't know if you have any idea how fast red band moves, but it. Yeah, it's gonna take a couple weeks. He's got to do about 425 hours of VR and then he's going to get around to it. We'll circle around. Okay. Thanks, man. Yeah, you could get audio sound bites and play them and you could like lip sync to them, you know? That's a really great idea. Maybe I can do that. Maybe, like singers do that, right? Singers do that. Their songs. So you could do that for your jokes. You could do that. But like, here, I'll do it for you, right? Like do it. Let's do it. Like, talk to, like. I'll lip sync to you, right? Okay. Hey, how's it going? No, wait, no. So you don't. So you don't talk, but you move your mouth like a marionette and I'll do you. Like, I could be backstage for you. Ready? Let's do it. Hi, guys. So lately I've been going through a tough time. I know I look like Ronald McDonald if his. If cocaine was his Happy Meal, but that's just because I'm having a fucking rough wake. I fucking look like Sasquatch fucked a Chucky doll. I look like fucking Casey Rocket's dad. I look like. If I shave my beard, there's just a sign that says, yeah, I got hpv. You tricked me. What? He tricked me and I never take a shit off. All right, guys, that's this episode of Kill Tony brought to you by DraftKings. Everyone's gonna get a refund. At the door on your. The drawing from Ryan J. Bolt is in. The drawing from Chris Rogers is right over there. Let's see what he got today. Oh, Ari. Maddie. Wow. Ari had the night off tonight. But that's beautiful. How about another hand for the best in the land? Make some noise for the debut of Jeremy, ladies and gentlemen. Jeremy, what do you want to plug tonight? Plug something. Jeremy. Oh, shit. So you guys can find me on TikTok at. That's what's up. But I'm a real big fan of comedian Adam ray and he's got these Dr. Phil live shows in theaters, big tour starting to adamraycomy.com and he's got a fully improvised show. Live stream. Stream. October 30th. Buy your tickets at adamray live. How about one more time for the kill Tony debut of John Chris, everybody. Huge tour tickets@johnchriscomedy.com is podcast net positive. Thank you, John. Absolutely. One more time for John and Jeremy, everybody. Thank you to trap kings red band. Thank you guys so much. I love you all. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. It sa.