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Brian Redban
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found@Deathsquad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red man coming to you live from Resorts World here in Las Vegas, Nevada for a brand new episode of Calcon. Tony. Give it up for Tony Hits Las Vegas. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? What the is up Las Vegas, Nevada. Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. Hey. Oh my goodness. How fucking exciting is this? We are here. Wow. The energy here in beautiful Resorts World theater in Las Vegas, Nevada is palpable. Very, very beautiful place. Supposedly one of the newest theaters here in Vegas. How many of you live in Nevad? Wow. So you guys get to see some real shit live in the flesh tonight. Let's just jump, right? How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? We get to see them live on this one. That is indeed the great groove line. Horns, make some noise for Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo and Fernando Castillo. That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the great Matt Muling on the electric guitar. John Dee's on the keys. And that's D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. His first time playing here in Las Vegas, Nevada. At least that's where he thinks he is. We have a very fun show planned for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get a hundred dollar credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com campaign to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com campaign. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be to be. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Two guests tonight, a two guest show. Introducing your first guest. A man who is one of my favorite comedians of all time, one of my favorite comedic actors of all time. Many, many sang that. This is the front runner for the 2024 guest of the year, Las Vegas. I'd like to introduce you to the great and powerful Harlan Williams. Oh, boy. Here we go. Live in the FL moly recovered from lyme disease. He's back. Yeah. Actually go to that one. Go to that one. Yeah. Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Wow. I gotta tell you, gang, this is. This is a. Well, we almost lost him to lyme disease. Now this is a tough night. As you know, Tony, and most of you who follow me on the inter Google. 17 years ago today, my father passed away and he was killed by rabies. He was attacked by a rabies skunk. We're farm folk and as you know, one day it's. You can read it on the intergoogle. My dad was out in the cobs and we heard some rustling around and the old man was bitten by a rabies skunk and passed away. So this is a big night for me and I want to thank you for having me here. Dad, I hope you're in the big niblet in the sky. I feel like he's looking over us right now. I can smell the rabies skunk beaming off of him. Yep, that's a sign right there. That was him. Yeah. Harland is joining us all night long with one other guest and I'm going to bring out that guest right now. While sitting here with who many claim will be the 2024 guest of the year. Joining us on this panel is kil Tony, hall of famer, a golden ticket winner and the 2023 guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, this isn't indeed the one and only Dr. Phil. Oh. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Oh, he is already on fire. Oh, my goodness. Oh, boy. Oh. Oh, my God. No one does it quite like them, folks. Vegas, make some noise. If you're excited to be alive tonight. Jigging those titties to get those hands in the air. Let's go. It's Wednesday. Some dudes pulled out their tits on that one. Jiggle them tits. Tony. Good to be here. Hell yeah, Red band. Good to see you. The man, Harlan. The myth, the light. How are you, doc? Well, this is. I want to say something real quick. This is a special time Vegas kill Tony in Vegas. Give it up for that. That's a big fucking deal. Never thought we'd get here. But you did it. But it's. It's kind of a big day for me. About 10 years ago, a woman that my dad was fucking died from rabies, and I want to take a moment of silen for that twat. Okay, that's good. Thanks for having me, Tony. Well, luckily you're two of the best guests in the show's history, so you know exactly how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. It's absolutely thick. Chaos, filled to the brim. No doubt about it. If I pull their name out, we're going to meet them all together. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry Fremont street bear. Ooh, a big pock for Fremont Street. Wow. Some old school Vegas people here. Some real fucking white trash in the house. Some real fucking desert monkeys, you know what I'm saying? Some real fucking sand snails out here. Some real cactus, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. All right. Saw a couple Asian Jews in the crowd too, Tony. Yeah, yeah, there's. There's those two, but I. I call them cactus. While we go wrangle that first bucket poll of the night, let's get it started with perhaps what many say is one of the greatest regulars and comedians in the history of the show. I can think of no better way to start a show like this than with a young man who, you know, a place like Las Vegas, a swing state, I think represents very well the greatness that is the United States of America. And this first comedian is on a mission to become an American citizen. Truly one of the fastest rising stars in all of standup comedy. This is a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. Thank you. You know what I did recently? I had sex with my ex. Woo. Highly recommended. That shit is the best. We went back to her place. I saw her pussy like an old friend. There he is. Isn't it the best when you fuck an ex because you know that pussy, you know, all the buttons. It's like playing Tony hawk Pro Skater 2 again, because that's the worst. When you start dating somebody new, you get that new pussy. You're like, what the fuck? It's like new pussies, like switching to Android. You're like, why is it cream? Because that's the worst. When you start Dating somebody new. Guys don't have that. That's why dick is the best. Like, overall, because it's universal. Dick is like a USB C. I don't need to. You know every guy here. I could fucking. I don't need to know you. I don't need to put Phil Collins on for atmosphere. Dude, if they lock the doors in the back and they're like, okay, Ari, the only way we get out is we need a bucket of cumulative. We're all out before midnight. But if they tell me the only way we get out is I need to make three women here come. We're all gonna starve to death. Thank you very much, Las Vegas. Thank you. He's done it again, Ari. Matty, thank you. Coming out with pure swagger, I do believe. I mean, that has to be a new suit. That is unbelievable. I just got it today. It was $1,000. I am financially in ruins. You look fucking fantastic. Thank you. It is incredible. You've done it again. Have you been to Vegas before? The first time in Las Vegas. Let's get married. Harland Williams. Yeah. I feel like. Dude, I feel like a complete idiot. About half an hour ago, I let this guy valet my car. It's mine now. Harland. It smelled like pussy juice. I gotta tell you. What flavor? Raspberry Sunblast. Okay, Ari. Matty, what have you done in Las Vegas so far? I went to Ross and dress, and it's an amazing store. Holy shit. Don't even steal. Dude, it's $2 for everything. Dude, I've never heard anybody call it the entire name of the store. Yes, it's usually just Ross, but I didn't. Ross Andres. Right, Ross Andres. For a second, I thought you were naming a friend's character and another guest dog. What did you buy? I bought, like, a golden shirt, some shorts. Wow. Blazing on that. Hell, yeah. I bought some jeans, some women's lingerie. I mean, it's for free, so might as well. Where would you wear a golden shirt? Backstage, where the bitches are at. Good answer. Yeah. Ari. Yes. You mentioned. Oh, go ahead, Tony. No, you go ahead. Well, you mentioned a green pussy that you ate. Yes. Who was it? It was my ex. It was your ex? My sweet angel. Estonian. Yes. I miss her very much, but I need to get a passport, so it was very sad. Thanks for bringing it up. Well, green pussy in America feels like a red flag. Do you know what I'm saying? So maybe you're dodging a bullet. Red flag is great. Red, white and blue. Yes. America, that's the correct answer. Be sure to answer it that way on your exam for citizenship. That's the sound. When you hear that sound, you know you're that much closer to. I've never gambled. I've never even tried to put money on something. I'm very excited to lose all of it. Okay. I've heard of this expression, beginner's luck. I might win a million dollars tonight. What game are you thinking about playing? It was. The guys were talking in the back. It's baccarat. Baccarat. It's baccarat. It is the famous game of poker. And then I want to pull a lever to win some coins. I love it. You're in for some dis. I don't think coins have come out of a slot machine in 30 years, but I have Apple pay too. There's also a fun way to gamble. You get into an Uber pool, okay? You take your dick out and you see if you get arrested or not. Don't try it unless you're feeling lucky. If someone came up to you in the casino and said, I'll give you a million bucks if you'll sleep with me tonight, would you do it? My guy? Who is this person asking me? Robert Redford? Don't know who that is. I will do it. You're gonna need to know for your citizenship test. Okay, how about this? It's the owner of Ross and dress Ross. It's Mr. Ross himself. Yeah. I love it. I'll put on a dress for Ross. Ari. Matty. I cannot possibly think of a better way to get this show started. Thank you so much, everybody. With a fucking bang. Ari. Mat. And here we go. We shall begin the process of our first bucket pull of the night. Now, how many of you are fans of the show? Well, you may have brought a plus one or a date with you tonight that might not know. But this is the part where things get crazy. Ari makes it look easy. Our regulars make it look easy. Our golden ticket winners make it look easy. But it is not easy at all. Thank you so much. Make some noise for the great Valerie Vaughn and Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, with us all night. That's the real deal. Some incels that can't even look directly at him. I love it. I love to see our fucking nerdy fans that are just used to sitting back on YouTube. I don't want to get an erection while next to people at a show anyway, so the shit can hit the fan. It could also be the next great talent. We found all of our stars out of this bucket. It could be a completely insane person. Anything can happen. Your first Bucket Pole of the night Bucket poll number one goes by the name of Corey Grumpy Johnson. It's a good name. Let's see what happens. Corey Grumpy Johnson. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Corey, everyone. 20, 24. Crazy year. Crazy year. O.J. simpson and Nicole are back together again. Didn't see that one coming. I really didn't see that one coming at all. Recently I went to 5 and below and I was a little confused because I almost bought. Excuse me, I almost spent $27, but I only tried to buy three things. Now I'm half white, so a part of me just wanted to go straight. Karen. But then I realized I'm half black, so I just stole the shit. Fuck. 5 and below. Is it me or should more gay men be winning these hot dog eating contest? I just feel like they practice more. Thank you. Wow. Corey Grumpy Johnson. A great comedy name. I saw the shirt first. You are now witnessing greatness and my expectations hit the ground for you. Unbelievable. Nicole Brown Simpson reunited. You think she went to hell? Yes. Yes, she went to hell. Apparently she was a piece of shit too, Tony. Whoa, someone. I've never seen anyone take OJ's side in the argument before. Holy shit, Dr. Phil. Well, I followed OJ on Twitter up until he passed. And I agree with you on that. You know, he was entertaining post murder. You know, he'd always be in a Costco parking lot being like, what's up, Twitter world? You ever noticed how co. What the fuck was that? Right, Red man, that was Speedy Gonzalez from the Looney tunes. That was O.J. simpson getting some potato salad at a Costco. Anyway, what did Nicole do that made you go fuck this bitch? Well, word on the street is she was. What street? Fremont Street. Well played. I set you up for that. It is literally this somehow, somehow. This is the Fremont street section of. How did they. I guess if you bought your tickets in that, like wi fi zone, you got that section. None of these people reacting to Fremont Street. Yeah, this is Fremont Street. This is Sesame street over here. Just cookie monsters and Elmo dolls. Couple strippers. Okay, so Nicole did what? Apparently Nicole was a man. Is this real? You've heard this? No. No. Oh, okay, great. Which word on the street, Tony? Just a joke. Satire. I feel like Corey's on the street a lot, so he might have the ears down to the ground. Corey, how long you been trying stand up comedy? I've been doing It a little over a year now. All of it here in Vegas. You live here? I know. I'm from Phoenix. You made the trip. Shout out to Phoenix. There you go. Did you make the trip here for this? Yeah, we drove up. I actually. I took off today for work. We. Me and my girlfriend, shout out to Angela, I love you. We drove up here, and we're actually turning around and driving back. I got work in the morning, so. Special shout out for Angela after defending domestic abusers for half your time up here, that's called a love bomb. What you just saw, everybody, that's one of the positive moments of their relationship. What do you do for work? I'm a cook. Oh, yeah? What. What are you cooking? Cook at a bar. So just bar food? Yeah. Okay. You have a deep fryer? I do. You have a microwave? I have four deep fryers, a flat top, a microwave. That's pretty much it. Wow. Hell, yeah, I have a microwave. You have a microwave? I do. So you're a chef? Some may call it that, yeah. You didn't know that's all you needed, huh, Harlan? That's it. I guess I'm a fucking chef, too. I noticed you have a neck tattoo, my guy. You don't see a lot of chefs. Like Chef Boyardee doesn't have a neck tattoo of lasagna. You know what I mean? He should have. Well, I've been to prison, so you know. You've been to prison? Okay, well, that would explain the microwave. Yeah. What have you been to prison for? And how many times did Angela call the cops before they showed up? Good question. Tony, do you get the feeling he was OJ's cellmate and OJ told him to say this shit? Yeah. What's his PIN number? His PIN number? 32. 32. What'd you go to prison for? I went to prison when I was a kid, man. I was running around. I was a wild dude. And from 15 to 31, I've been in and out of jail. That's a large window. When I was a kid, I was pretty wild. 15 to 31, that's like going into a shirt store, being like, do you have a men's small or a dinosaur Triple X? It's for a friend. Jesus Christ. That's a huge timeline player. I do that. I didn't go straight through. I just. I was in and out a lot and a lot of stuff. Okay, let's talk about it. Rattle off. How many of you want to hear some of this guy's fucking rap sheet? You beat Somebody to death with a microwave. It fits 15, am I correct? Oh, no, no. Burglary, Stealing cars. A lot of. I was. I was a knucklehead doing a lot of dumb, so. But, you know, I turned my life around, so. And how did you turn it around for you? I turned it around. Arizona. Help. I'm from Philly originally. So when I got out of the environment, if you. If you turn your life around in Arizona. That's amazing. Yeah, I moved out there and, you know, just changed my life. I started doing things differently. Put a lot of the drugs and alcohol and stuff down. I still drink a little bit, but put the drugs and stuff down. And what kind of drugs were you doing? Coke, heroin. A lot of heavy shit. Wow, heroin. What's the best? Now, I've always wanted to try heroin. You know, I'd say four days. No, you don't. Well, don't tell me how to live my fucking life, but four days a week, I wake up asking myself, you know, could I get a neck tattoo and be a chef? Maybe heroin's the only thing standing in my way. What's the best part about heroin? The escape. The feeling. You know, at first it's awesome and then it's really not. Where do you escape to? Wherever you want to go. It'll take you to the moon if you. If that's where you want to go. Well, fuck you. Who doesn't want to go to the moon? I thought you had to take a space shuttle. But I could just inject myself with some juice probably. It might take you to the grave too. You gotta be careful with that. Whoa, whoa. Got dark real quick. Yeah. Jesus Christ. He's like, yeah, you could go to the moon for 15 to 31 years. Sorry I had to get that in. Corey. Fun times. Congratulations. I'm gonna give you a medium sized joke buck. Nice catch. There you go. Great catch. Especially for a heroin addiction. Incredible reflexes. Usually they lose that. Okay, we're going to keep it moving along between every bucket pool. I have a special treat for you guys throughout the night. Does that sound cool? Sounds like a pretty fucking amped up, awesome show to me, doesn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian doing a brand new minute is the basically the most recent golden ticket winner in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Return. I mean, this kid is like a throwback to a different era. Just as silly jewy as it gets. Young Larry David, young Woody Allen vibes. Wackadoodle. He's like, if you put a Holocaust victim in a microwave and just. Just radioed him up. I'd like to introduce you to the next minute by the great Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is, one of the young rising stars of the show. A brand new from him. Oh, here he is, look. Oh, boy. Oh. Make some noise for Jack Shaw. I don't know about you guys, but I love to play with my penis. There's so many things you can do with it. You can talk out of the little hole. You can go, me, me, me, me. You can do that. You can. Oh, you can put your glasses on it. You can make the man with the big nose. You guys know that guy. But my favorite thing to do above all is to beat it till it cries. Who's with me? Las? It makes people so uncomfortable when I talk about masturbating at the dinner table. I don't know why. It's such a lovely experience, but I realize I never smile when I do it. Does. Does anyone do that? No. It's this thing I love to do, but it seems to make me angry. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Think about it. The next time you're masturbating, think about me. Think about it. You're not gonna be like, no. You're gonna be like, ah, Ah. I think the reason that I don't. That I get so angry is because I don't like what my penis looks like. It looks a little bit like Mitch McConnell. A little bit. And I've never sent a dick pic. And you know why? Because I've never once looked at my penis and thought, you know what? Someone else needs to see this. Thank you all so much. I'm Jack Shaw. Jack Shaw talking about his penis for a minute, 20 seconds straight. Unbelievable. Can I just get clarity? What was the noise you did at the beginning? Your penis goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, it's more. No, no, no. It's more of a me, me, me, me, me. You know that's the exact same sound a horn on a Walmart electric wheelchair makes, right? No, I did not. I did not. The next time you're masturbating in Walmart, you'll find out. Is that where you do it? Is that where you like to do it? No. You know, Walmart. I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now, Jack. If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm looking for partners, dude. We'll just say that then. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. Do it at Target. You have something to aim for, Jack. How come you can't send the right dick pic? Cause lighting is a big part of it. But also location. And who you send it to, I don't really like. I've never sent one. I don't really like the way it looks. Well, you gotta believe in yourself. Oh, sure. Well, if I believe too hard, I shoot for the moon. Well, I can get you some heroin from Corey. You. You. You know, circumcised or uncircumcised guy? Good question. Oh, a lot. Big circumcised. I have a lot of circumcision. Like, you still got skin on the back of your neck type of thing. Extremely circumcised. Very, very Jewish. You said that sometimes you put glasses on it and it looks like a man with a big nose. Are you talking about your father? Yes. Do you ever do any special tricks? Jewy tricks? Like you ever take a condom and just sit it on the back base like a yarmulke? I reuse them. Oh, wow, look at that. Very thrifty. Thrifty and shifty. Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. What else is going on? How do you feel about being in Las Vegas, Nevada? Oh, my God, dude. It's so cool, man. I love it. I definitely have a gambling problem. For sure. Tell us about it. Well, I keep losing. I keep losing at it. I love blackjack. I love that game. Okay. I thought that was a guy that you knew. Yeah, that's what my friends tell me to dress up as in Halloween. Oh, shit. We'll be right back. Good, good. Fun, fun, fun. And you're still living in Los Angeles, correct? Yes, I am, but I'm planning to go to Austin. You're planning on going to Austin or moving to Austin? To move to Austin. There you go. That's a whole different thing. Look at you. That's amazing. Unbelievable. I love it how he talked about his dad. If I could just reflect on a sentimental moment I'll never forget My dear father who passed away from rabies. He used to. When I was a boy. When I was nine years old, he used to take me behind Kentucky Fried Chicken and put coleslaw over my head and throw me in the dumpster and tell me I was a sea monster. And. Well, if you're gonna laugh, fuck off. Wait, that. That's it. I guess that's it. My dad died of rabies. What else do you want? That's true. If you can look away, your face is really fucking me up. I'm sorry about that. I feel like his face is gonna orgasm on me any second. Like, just turn it over that way, Squirty. He's a wild boy. He's a wild boy. Jack, are your parents proud of you? Say his full name. Jack Off. Jack. Yes. Jack, are your parents proud of you there? Well, yeah, I think so. I. I think so. They wish I wouldn't talk about masturbating so much, but they do it. Why? Because they hear you do it. Yeah. Do you live with them still? I do. Upstairs or downstairs? Same level. Fuck. Wow. So they hear all your little. Can I take a gander at what you sound like when you're having an orgasm? Of course. Actually, I'm gonna give you guys three options. And you will play a little game called, hey, which one of these is Jack's cum noise? Red. Band hit me with some theme music. Here we go. Actually, Band hit me. Here it is. Oh, that's fucking perfect. Red band. Holy shit. All right, here we go. First noise. Harlan, you can do the second one. All right, sorry. Okay, that's the first option, Harlan. What's the second one? Second one goes something like this. The mighty Chewbacca. What's the third option? And the third option is. Well, Jack, why don't you sh. Why don't you give us an option? Yeah, sure. It's more than. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Wow. Ow. But you're doing it to yourself. Well, I go hard in the paint, Dr. Vel. Yeah, you do. Fucking Akeem Olajuwon over here. You get the feeling he has cat litter gravel in his Vaseline? I don't know. I don't know what that means. Okay, audience, which one do we think it was? Option number one, Option number two, or option number three? A lot of people surprisingly saying, two. Two. Holy. Use the F, Jack. Which one is it? Number two, everyone. Unbelievable. There he goes. Jack Shaw. Jack, you're done. Thank you, Jack. Absolutely. There he goes, Jack. Sean. Good job, Jack. Put that mic stand back up there one more time for Jack, everybody. Hey, it's Kaley Cuoco for Priceline. Ready to go to your happy place for a happy price. Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the Priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels. 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New customers get $5 off Mando's best selling Starter pack with code tony@shopmando.com Mando's starter pack is perfect for new customers. Comes with a solid stick, deodorant, cream tube deodorant and two free products of your choice like mini body wash, deodorant wipes and free shipping. Luckily, I have a discount code to help get you all hooked on my favorite smelling whole body deodorant. On the market, new customers get a $5 off starter pack with our exclusive code that equates to over 40% off your starter pack. Use code tony@shopmando.com that's s h o p m a n shopmando.com Use code tony save money. Smell good and like that we're on to our second bucket pull of the night. We're going to keep it moving along. Make some noise for Izzy hall, everybody. We're going to meet them all together. Izzy Hall. A whole new crop of people out here in the desert of Western America. This is Las Vegas, Nevada. And your next bucket pole is Izzy Hall. Here he is. Make some noise for Izzy, everybody. So I'm not homophobic, but I just hate that those bastards have kind of reclaimed the rainbow. I used to love the rainbow. That shit's gay. Now, I recently found out that the G spot's in the asshole. Like, what's up with that? Like, because I believe in God, but I don't understand why an omniscient creator would put a come really hard button right up in my asshole and expect me not to go searching. And if I do, I go to hell and they give him, like, a really cute name, like sodomy or whatever. Recently I've tried to figure out, like, who is going to be coming first. Is it the top or the bottom? So I'm watching a lot of gay porn, like, trying to figure it out, and then unfortunately, just. It's me. Thank you, guys. 56 seconds from Izzy Hall. Hi, Izzy. Hey, Tony. How are you? I'm doing really well. I love it. I love it. Welcome. How long you been on stand up? This is my first time. Wow, look at that. Incredible. How old are you, Izzy? I'm 24. 24. Look at you. First time. And you are the captain now. Incredible. I gotta tell you. All right, Tony, I'm on the same page with this guy, man. Okay. I'm on the same page with you about the rainbow, dude. Like, remember the rainbow? Used to be you saw a beautiful rainbow, you go over the other side, there's a leprechaun and marshmallows and unicorns. Now you go over the rainbow and there's four guys in a hot tub at a Motel 6 in Bakersfield. Not cool. Not cool, bro. Usually I thought they would find you at the end of the rainbow, to be fair. What the is that supposed to mean? He looks like the replica at the end of the rainbow is where I was trying to get you. At the end of the rainbow. Is that what you said? What did he say? What? Say it again. He thinks you're the world's largest leprechaun. Clearly never seen a white person before. No, he's just eaten Lucky Charms in Ethiopia. Wherever you're from, where are you from? You remind me of Somali that I used to know. You're correct. It's Ethiopia. It's all the same, to be honest. Are you. I nailed it. You're Ethiopian. Yes. Yes, Tony, absolutely. I love that song. Why'd you stop it? Wait, where. Where is he? Where is Ethiopia on a map? Africa. Okay. It's on the east side. Okay. It's called the Horn of Africa. What's that mean? It means no worries. There you go. Second favorite song on that album. Wow, Izzy. Easily offended, it seems. No, no. What was that weird fake laugh you just did? No, you're. You're. You're. You're. You're a thoughtful guy. You went from the buttholes, the G spot, to I believe in God in about three seconds. No, because everything's, like, created for a reason, you know? That's what I like. And so with the G spot, I guess, and the guy's ass, and it's. Did you. But you can't go there. Did you hear that from a friend? Or is that a fact you found out on your own? Because facts are always fun to find, and I talk about that in my book. But I want to know, when you find. When you learn stuff, do you do it from hearsay or from your own discoveries? Well, it's like, I can't find out, right? It's like, there's a rule that I can't go explore, so I just have to, like, take word of mouth. Do it. Somebody yells, what's the craziest thing you've ever had up your ass? Good question, Tony. Like, I'm afraid my mom's going to watch this. Yeah, well, too soon. Sounds like she's the one that named you Izzy. Yeah, it's short for Isaiah. Like, you have a mother. It's a. It's. It's a. It's a Q tip. The answer is a Q tip. Wow. The rapper Q Tip. Absolutely incredible that you've been to P. Diddy's house and I've never been there before. You ever put a coconut up there? Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. What the fuck just happened? Holy shit. Looks like we Ethiopian ed up a wormhole here. Izzy, what do you think is the most Ethiopian thing about you? Do you ever just stop eating? You ever just starve yourself? Because it's like it runs through your body. I think the most Ethiopian thing about me is my forehead. It's a really defining thing. I don't eat a lot, but that's by choice. Didn't I see you on one of those Sarah McLaughlin commercials? Yeah, I mean, that's how I'm here. I was sponsored in the arms of a Q Tip. You're funny, dude. You're rolling with the punches tonight. You just fake grabbed at a fly. That was funny. Yeah. I don't understand that. I see those commercials. You guys think that we can't swat flies. It is aggressive. I don't know. Yeah, I could swat flies. Are you good at swatting flies? We have a bag of flies. We were expecting an Ethiopian bucket pole. Okay? I was lying about being able to swat flies. Oh. Oh, look out, look out. Dude, I'm. I'm this. I am this close to sending you 50 cents a month. I gotta tell you. I'd appreciate it. I'd appreciate it. And by the way, your fuzzy hair, man. You'd make a great Q tip. I gotta tell you. Come find my G spot right now. Come on. Come on. Who were those twins? Those, like, Caribbean twins? Oh, the. The. The Island Boys. The Island Boys? Yeah. Has anyone ever told you that you look like one of the Island Boys? No. Yeah. Well, I just said you might be tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Oh, that's a good. Izzy doesn't like it when people make fun of him. I don't know if anybody's watching this. You look like anorexic ventriloquist. Wow. It's. I haven't heard that since I started. Tony. You look like years ago. You ask for samples at a sperm bank. Wow. This is unbelievable. Entry level roast jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Anyone? It's literally my first time being called. Maybe. Maybe don't box with Mike Tyson. Play the video game, dude. Yeah, play the video game. Go. Go home. It's my first time roasting. I'm going to go against the guy that does it probably better than anybody in the world. Tony. I'm living my dreams here. You know what I love about the third island? Yeah. You know you find on islands? Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Wow. I think we found our first two Avengers of the guest history of Keltoni. They are joining forces. This is like when they came out with a Wolverine Deadpool movie or something. Harland and the Doctor. That's how you find the Ethiopian. G spot. Elbow fist. Izzy, before I let you go, I gotta know because you seem like a very charismatic guy. Is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about? I mean, I feel like there's something more to you. I was drugged. I was drugged by some prostitutes in Colombia. In Colombia? Amazing. Okay, what did they do to you? Nothing. I got away really quickly because I speak Spanish, but if I hadn't, I would have been in a lot of. A lot of problems. It was like an EDM music festival that I went to. I didn't know that they were at the time. They just seem really cool. Most prostitutes are. Yeah. Yeah. It's a problem over there, I guess. Your parents live here? No, they're refugees. They're refugees. Oh, I love the refugees. They did. Wait. Lauren Hill? Yeah. Fugees. Yeah, they're the. Yes. No Pain. I came here. I came to, like. Okay, Red band. How many bug noises do you have for this guy? Relax. Jesus. Just. Jack. Andy, Racist. I. I came to America on, like. On, like, on a visa? Yeah, a visa. No, on a. On a visa. Legally. Yeah. Instead of, like, walking here, like, is, like, what people do these days. It's a tough walk from Ethiopia, right? Hey, be nice to the guy. Look at his legs. He was attacked by someone with a typewriter. Well, you know what, Izzy? Your set was just. Okay. But since it was your first time, and I think you have a lot of work to do, you're gonna get the first big joke of the night, buddy. Here you go. Coming at you. Izzy hall, ladies and gentlemen. I'm indoor. Great job. Back to another special treat. We're gonna keep it moving fast here because it's a long walk from the back if you want to rock and roll. This guy is neither a regular nor technically a golden ticket winner, but he is a legend of the show's history. He is America's favorite uncle. You know him, you love him. This is indeed a brand new minute from David Jolly. David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. Send these out faster. Whoever's working the back, send them out faster. How y'all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico? Hell, yeah. Y'all watch the Olympics? That shit was crazy as hell, man. They had breakdancing in the Olympics. In four years, them niggas gonna be shooting craps. These goddamn Germans can really roll a seven, George. Hell, yeah. Netflix. I'm sick of Netflix. They ripping us off. I'm glad I'm stealing that shit. They keep on giving us these horrible ass movies, man. They bad. Then they got the voiceover on them. Voiceover Shitty as hell. Like French voiceovers. Who watch French movies? That's like watching gay porn. Nobody want to see that shit. The thing is, if you gonna give us voiceovers and they be bad voiceovers, at least make them interesting, you know? Like, put a hood nigga on a couple of them Bitches, let em do like the Godfather. I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse. She ain't no way you gonna turn this down. Ca. Caw. Or like, switch it up. Let a white dude do like a hood ass movie, you know? Let a white dude do boys in the hood. Yo, Ricky, dude, he has a gun, bro. Oh, shitty shot, Ricky, bro. Ricky was working on his credit, dude. Ricky was a great guy, bro. All right, thank y'all very much, man. David Jolly with a new minute. Yeah. Welcome back, David. Yeah, huh? Welcome. Thank you, my brother. How you doing, man? I'm doing fucking great, man. Hell yeah. We in Vegas. I'm trying to buy some pussy. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What's your budget right now? What's your pussy budge? $40. Wow. You can have Dr. Phil for 30. Shit. Or four easy payments of 6.99. Hey, you might get a deal today, baby. You feel me? I don't know what you just said, but okay. I should have brought my translator out here. No, you crushed it, Dave. You fucking crushed it up there, baby. Thank you, my brother. Can I say something? I got a little bone to pick with you, my guy. All right. I just want you to know that those voiceover people, they work really hard to do what they do. I don't think I like your attitude. It's the same Chinese dude in every movie playing the male and the female part. That's some. Well, I don't. It's a goddamn ripoff, man. That's Hans Kim. I know who it is. It's goddamn Hans. You're gonna trick me. I don't know. I agree with you. By the way, I'm so glad you got the Wendy shift off to come and do the show tonight. What's the Wendy feel? I don't get out. Well, that's a Wendy's Drive Thru shirt, my man. That's a nice ass shirt. It's a good. It's a good. Let me feel it. It's a good shirt, I'm telling you. Where'd you steal that from? No, I got some DDS. It was only $7. You know, I'm on a budget, baby. Diddy's a nice shirt. You got that from Diddy's? Like, it's tampon, right? Tampon with wings. Yeah. I wish I had a tampon shirt, like a real tampon. I wish you had. I would really like that. Yeah. You look like black Charlie Brown. Thank you, my brother. I appreciate that, Charlie Black compliment. Yeah, I like that. It's very. It's a. It's an esteemed character. You talking about the black dude from Charlie Brown or a black Charlie Brown? No, Charlie Black. Charlie Black. Yeah. That's the little dirty from Charlie Brown. You're damn right. Here. I don't look like him now? No, no, I said. But Charlie Brown, the main character, hangs out with Snoopy Doggy Dog. Snoopy smoking weed. You know, he smoke weed all day, every day. Every day, baby. What about the little bird that was with. He was getting a secondary high from. Holy. I didn't know you did voices. Yeah, I do. What other animals can you do a chicken? Let's hear it. Nope. Wow. Nope. Not even close. That was the same thing it did for the first one. How about a fried chicken? That's good. All right, hold on. Let me see if I can do it. Wait, let me guess. Yeah, you got it. You got it. All right. Give me one crack. Crispy good? Pretty good, man. That's the only voice I know, man. I'm sorry. No, it's good. I didn't mean to let you know. You do any impressions? Yeah, I can. I'm. I'm gonna do an impression of a black man. Hey. Wow. That was actually less black than you normally are. You. You want to hear a white man? Hello there, motherfuckers. You want to hear a white man? Yeah. Yep. Hey, my name's Tony Henschliffe. Oh, my God. How dare you? How dare you? Oh, they're going to clap. I love you. Yeah, good. There you go. David, any other fun plans for your trip here in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, man? You know, we doing skank fest doing some spots, you know? Hell, yeah. I'm gonna do the butt naked roast. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah, I'm gonna do it. Okay. Wow. I'm gonna pump that up. Put some Viagra in him. Singing straight up, you know, Chef, some Q tips up your ass. Whoa. That's a thing. I don't know nothing about that, man. You're a freak, Tony. No, no, no. It's your people doing it now. Oh, no, no, no, no. You're a freak. It's your people doing that. It's all news to us. Oh, man. Good time. Dude, can I ask a question about the grill? I love the gold teeth. Oh, yeah. Talk to me, guy. Talk to me. It's a Florida thing. You feel me? It's a what now? A Florida thing. Florida. Florida. Florida thing. Florida. Oh, it's a Florida thing. You know what they have in Florida? Harlan? Yeah, it's a thing for guys from. From Florida. They usually. No, no, no. We're doing a voiceover, not giving cunnilingus. What the hell are you doing? I don't know how to do. What's your boy name to do to puppet up his ass. What is it? You have done him. It's called the Q tip. Yeah, it's called the Q tip. Okay, dude. I love it, though. Did that hurt getting the gold? Gold put in the mouth? Nah, they just slap it over. Does it ever get in the way when you're not eating? No, I never get in the way. It's actually better if you put your mouth right there by the pussy. Go. That's how I clean them. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Straight up amazing. Now, what part of Florida are you from? From Orlando. Okay. Disney World. No, Orlando. Okay. Disney World and Casino. Me. It's a big difference, you know? A little bit. How far is Orlando from Disney World? The. The. It's like right on the edge. This is like right there, you know? 10 minutes, 5 minutes. I used to think Orlando was the capital of Disney World. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Orlando is the cap capital of violence and drugs and stupid like that. You know what I mean? Oh, my goodness. You got to do your homework on Orlando. Ain't no Disney World over there. That's why they mood of Kazimi. I love Florida, man. It's like you look at Florida on the map of America. It's the cutest little state. Just like America's nut bag hanging down. Yep. Teabag in Cuba all day long. Teabagging Puerto Ricans and Cubans. You better believe it. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You ever teabag someone? Yep, I have. I definitely have. What was his name? Wow. Red band. Red band. Forcing in a gay joke on David Jolly. That was a good one, Brian. One of the straightest men in the show's history. You better believe it. Look at this. You think gay people do that? No. Yeah. They don't. I've never done that my entire life. Dude, that was him teabagging right there. Do it again. My nuts getting bigger. Because I'm getting older and sometime I sit on my nuts and it's getting bad. Wait, wait. I got. Okay. You ever sit on your nuts? Yeah, but they hatched. Can you do an impression of fried chicken? Teabagging red band. That's it. David Jolly. Thank you. We love you. There he goes. David Jolly. Time for bucket pole number three. Keeping it moving along. Make some noise for Tommy P. O. I do believe he's in in House Section F. O row RR seat 308, Tommy P. Where the is Tommy P? They're finally sent out Tommy P. For those of you keeping track, they finally sent out Tommy P. Here he is, Tommy P. Hey, guys, I'm Tommy and I hate kids. No, I don't hate kids, I just hate kids. I would describe myself as a. A dink. Double income, no kids. That's cool. Hold your booze until the end of the set, ladies and gentlemen. Give him a shot. He gets 60 seconds, we're restarting the clock. That's double income, no kids. So I just had a vasectomy. Anybody ever got a vasectomy? So I go to the doctor, tells me to snip and snip and charged me 200 bucks right after that to masturbate and count my sperm. Speaking of kids, I really don't want to have kids. I just had a complication in my family. My brother in law just had some trouble at the hospital. That's okay, that's okay. Tommy P. Wow, Tommy, Tommy. I gotta tell you, Tony, this guy's whole vibe, the way you're dressed, I'm kind of glad you hate kids, you know what I mean? Tommy, is this your first time trying stand up comedy? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay. All right. How old are you? I am 34. And what made you want to start here today? I mean, I love comedy. I've always watched comedy. I wrote a little set, went way worse than I thought it would go, but I figured I'd come up here and give it a try. Okay, what's some other things that good for you for trying? It's not easy. It's not easy. I mean, they were just booing two seconds ago. But it's okay. Especially in a Fred Flintstone shirt. It's not easy. You look like Fred's janitor. But you had some confidence and then it just kind of. You let. You didn't let the booze get to you, but. Oh yeah, that I got. But the jokes weren't there. Definitely not. Tommy, let's figure out what you can talk about. Not the most likable thing to come out and go, I hate kids. I hate kids. Speaking of kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's figure out more about your real life. What ethnicity are you? You look suspiciously like everything. I am Dominican 100%. Oh my gow. 100% Dominican. Absolutely amazing. What's the most Dominican thing about you? I love salami and platanos. Wow, salami and platos. You know what that is? Salami. I Know what's salami? Dominican salami. Oh. What's the difference between Dominican salami and regular salami? It's not like, dry. It's like a. Kind of like a potted meat. I'm not gonna explain the whole thing, according to one very Dominican man in the audience, is bigger dicks is the difference. There's a Dominican man that insists that they have huge dicks, which is definitely not a stereotype of Dominican people, by the way, sir. And Dominicans in the audience are bombing due to Tommy P. It is contagious bombing. There is a fallout, nuclear fallout happening. This is incredible. Tommy, what do you do for work? I manage cannabis cultivation. Oh, interesting. So true to your roots. You're gardening. Absolutely amazing. Dude. He works at the Gravel Pit. Come on. It's Fred Flintstone. Works at the Gravel Pit. Yeah, but what do you do for fun? I smoke weed. I like to come to shows. I enjoy the entertainment in town. Entertainment, Right. The Titanium in town. What do you do when you get high? What's your favorite thing to do? Like, when you get high, what do you do? Sit around and get more high? Yep. Play video games or watch TV or do any murder kids? No, I just like to get more high. Violently high. Violently high. Okay. What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that can only get hard if it's a transgender with fat tits. That is true, but I'm here with my wife or girlfriend. Oh, wife or girlfriend. Whichever you want to call it. Yeah. Wilma, where are you? Well, wait a second. Is it your wife? She's my girlfriend. Yeah, but why'd you call her your wife for a second? I consider her as my wife, my life partner. Do you think she considers you a husband after that set? Yeah. Really? She thinks I'm funny. How long have you been with her? Six years. Oh, my goodness. What does she do? Go. She works for UNLV Health out here? She's a social worker. Let's go. Oh, the Fremont street clan gets a big pop. UNLV Health social workers, Fremont street people are like, thank you for the free health care, Paul. Definite pop from the poor people section. Hey, how's the upper deck doing tonight? How about the upper? Upper third down. Wow. They don't sound healthy up there. They don't sound healthy at all. Tommy, a really rough set, a rough interview. You're in the middle of it right now. Give us a redeeming quality about you that'll make this crowd love you. Let's see. I'm a veteran Marine corps. Oh, wow. Okay, there you go. All right. Take that, you Nazi. That guy. Hell yeah. What did you. What did you do in the marines? He was a sniper for kids. I told you, I hate kids. No, I did data networking, communications. Oh, wow. I worked for a tank battalion. Wow. Oh, a tank battalion. Threw that in the end to make yourself look cool? Well, yeah, I didn't want to seem gay as I did a data networking for tank battalion. Cool. Shit, dude. You ever shot a gun? Once, per the range? Yeah, they let me. Was it a water gun or was it a real gun? It was water. Yeah. Okay. You only shot it once? No, I've shot a good. I'm good at my own sharpshooter. You are a sharpshooter? Wow. I told you. Well, keep it pointed away from you. I know it's going to be hard when this episode comes out, but Tommy, we're gonna keep it moving along you indeed do appreciate you guys. A little joke, Buck, Great job. I'll take the blame for that one. That was a little off. All right, there he goes. Tommy P. Going, baby. We're about to go into full recovery here, ladies and gentlemen. I guarantee it. Because I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, from Toronto, Canada, here on a mission to destroy this is the return of Jared Nathan. O big clock from the crowd. They are on their feet. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Make some noise for Jared Nathan. Viva Las Vegas. They lost my luggage. The only choices one this or do. I want to explore and I don't look good at booty shorts. I've been here for 24 hours. I've been. I've been. I've been married and divorce. She was again. So I couldn't get a green card. I got kicked out of the casino. I didn't understand meaning of taking a chip dump at the crap table. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, there you go. Jared Nathan. Fuck yeah. You ain't nothing but a downs dog. You ain't nothing but a hound. You couldn't on me. What? I don't know. Okay, dude. You are nothing on me, Tony. Okay, Dude. Thank God you weren't born a cow. Give me a moo, my bro. Give me a mo. I'm on the moo. Move, motherfucker. Okay. Oh my goodness. You do look exactly like Elvis Presley in the last minutes of his life. That sweet, sweet bloat. Look at you. You found one of the buffets here, huh? I ate too many Peanut butter banana sandwiches. I do love the peanut butter banana sandwiches. I bet you do. That is a favorite. Grilled cheese. Absolutely. What about some baby back ribs? We'll be baby back after these mess. I don't go to chilies. He just wants you to say it. Baby back ribs, no pressure. Back. Wow. Nailed it. Can I get some hand sanitizer? Jared, are you loving Las Vegas? I'm loving it. Lovey, lovey, lovey. Loving the be of Las Vegas. Diva Las Vegas. You right. That's right. What does a guy like you do for fun here? Go to the roulette tables and bet on green or something? Is that an option now? It is, but just assholes do it. But he's not an asshole. But it's like a. It's kind of a joke about how he's looks like. He looks like he goes to the buffet and bets on bacon, for fuck's sake. I played slot machines. Oh, yeah? What's your favorite? I like the shiny lights. You know the shiny lights. Okay. All right. But no, I. I want some money, too. Yeah, I want some money, too. Yeah, you get it. You'll get it. That slot. It was. That wasn't a. That was an ATM. That wasn't a slot machine, Jared. That was a McDonald's order fast box. Do you ever get people walking up to you on the strip and go, holy, look, it's down syndrome? Wolverine. What up, Bob? Dude, your stuttering is throwing my neck out. Do you do any impressions? I've never asked you this before. I feel like you have something up your sleeve. Old school wrestling impressions. Oh, okay. Like what? Vader impression? Old school Vader. Old school Vader. Wow. This is for the 0.5% of our listener fan base. You guys are about to lose your mind. You 28 people. It's. Fuck, it's time. It's Vader time. Okay. Pretty good. Hell yeah. Look at you. I love. I'd never known that. I didn't know that Elvis wore Velcro shoes. I thought that he was more of a blue suede shoes kind of guy. Or a kidney belt. Or a cum rag around his neck. Keep it special. You know, I'm special needs, all this. Absolutely, absolutely. I also want to tell people I'm a cameo, huh? Yep. I think you just did. Yeah. All right. Do you do kids birthday parties? I'd hire you. I'll do it. Yeah. Let's talk. Let's ask Robin. Well, I don't have more than a couple minutes and it might take a couple days to get through it. Jared, I do want to tell Whisper. You'll whisper? Well, that's okay. Well, I'm rescinding the offer because that's creepy. Jared, I do like that you came out with topical jokes about versus. Give it up for that. He came out prepared with some material about where he was. Tony, I just want to thank you for everything. Because of you, I can draw a crowd to my shows. Thank you. I have a show every month in Toronto. Four people with disabilities. Five people with disabilities. Laugh without limits. Wow. There's no limits to laughter. I love it. That's absolutely true. Well, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? Jared, you are one of the special gems of this show. You are fucking fantastic. We love you. You look better than ever. Good job, Elvis. Thank you. Thank you very much. Bucket Pool 4 is coming up now. How about one more time for Jared Nathan? This is a big deal for a little boy from Canada. God damn. And how about a hand for the ring card? Girls, this is the great Valerie Vaughn, alternating with our, of course, the lovely Heidi. All right, your next bucket pole. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Keaton McAdams. Keaton McAdams, here we go. They only gave me, like, 60 seconds up here, but don't worry, because 60 seconds is a long time. I feel like I've said that before, but 60 seconds is a long time. Anybody else here ejaculate prematurely? Ladies, you can laugh. I bless quick, but I don't have any shame about it, because after another 60 seconds, I'm ready for round two. I'm not here to brag. That's not what this is. But one time, I had sex three times in the span of 45 minutes. I just wish someone else was there to see it. So I actually made you guys a video. Red band. Can we hit the big screen? All right, that's my time. Thank you, guys. There you go. Keaton McAdams. We had no idea where you were going with that whole 60 seconds is a long time. And then there you are talking about premature ejaculation. Absolutely stunning work. It hits close to home. Indeed. Welcome. How long you been doing standup? Just over two years. How old are you? 24. What do you do for work? I buy cars on the Internet. Where do you live? I live out here, born and raised. And you buy cars off the Internet and then obviously you resell them. The company I work for like, auctions them off. I signed an NDA, so I shouldn't be talking about it in front of 5,000. It's okay, dude. How many tonkas do you have? Little giggler over there, huh? I'm having fun. Hell, yeah. This is a sick show. Tony, good job. Wow. Thank you. Good job. Thank you. He's saying it like he's going to get kicked off any second now. Good job, Tony. Can I stay? You look like Kyle Rittenhouse if he sold fireworks to Mils. That's a compliment. If. If Kyle Rittenhouse ran for president, I would vote for him. Hell, yeah. All right, you got. Oh, dude. Come on up. You keep moving backwards. You want to leave or what? Let's go. No, sir. This guy keeps inching backwards like he know something we don't. My bad. What's about to happen? Kyle, let's go. Rittenhouse, huh? Orville Rittenhouser? Not in my written house. Keaton, you're 24. What does a 24 year old in Las Vegas do for fun? I just got into wake surfing. Oh, wow. Where do you do that at? Out at Lake Mead. Okay. Yeah. How many bodies have you hit? Probably a lot. It's bumpy out there. Harland. It's bumpy out there. So you hit some fatties? Hit, yeah. No fatties on my boat. But what's that now? It's a great T shirt. No fatties on my boat. No fatties on my boat. Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Keaton, what is your love life like? You talked about masturbating for 55 seconds. I got dumped a few months ago, so I've been doing a lot of masturbating recently. The girl that dumped you, how long were you in a relationship with her? I was just hooking up with her for a few weeks, and it fucked me up. Why did it fuck you up? She was really hot. Why do you think she liked you? She saw me do standup, believe it or not, Tony. Okay, and then what happened? She came up to you and said what? She asked me for a cigarette, and I went to the. We were at a bar downtown, and there was a liquor store next door. I don't smoke cigarettes, but I did go and buy a pack, and I came back in, like, five minutes later, offered her a cigarette, hit it off. What kind of cigarettes? Camel toe. Marble lights. So you bought her a pack of cigarettes? You guys have a cigarette. Then what happened? Happens. She's. She said I was like her favorite comic. A bunch of happens. Wow. She is. Ladies. This is absolutely. I know. I was like, have you heard of Tony? Hinchcliffe. One Shot was on Netflix. Yeah, where is it now? It's. It was a licensed deal when I was seven years into my comedy career, but nice try, idiot. I love this thing. Someone started this rumor that my special got taken out. It was a licensing deal. Do you know what that means? Yeah. No. That means they pay you vast sums of money to put your thing up there. I enjoyed your special. No. I know a lot of people did. It's 2016, seven years into my career. It's inconceivable how many people want to see them fight right now. Thank you, Dr. Phil. Tony's a mafia, so I would. Not with him. I wouldn't either. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm a comedian. Keaton. You look like Eminem, but you melted on the dashboard. Keaton McAdams, 24 years old. So tell us more about your life, you said. Did you say Rachel McAdams? So interesting. No, I didn't. Yes, sir. More about your life, Keaton. I live with my mother. Uh huh. Local winner. Okay. Okay. Very good. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Keaton McAdams. Here you go, Keaton. Don't forget that. Oh, geez, Keaton. Oh, boy. There he goes. Can't jog fast enough. Here we go. Golden ticket winner. Coming at you a long time golden ticket holder, ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Todd Royce, everybody. Big boy Todd roll. I have a dog. I have a dog. Not a dog. A shih tzu poodle. I don't think if you. That's not a dog. Shih tzu poodles to me are like K pop bands. Like, they're adorable, but if I hit one with my car, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it. They all have these cute little names. People call them shoodles. I call this one a shit poo especially. Cause she's gotten old and she's lost complete control of her bowels. Shit poo is actually what we called grandma near the end. It's a joke. We never called grandma near the end. She didn't have any money. Why waste our time? I want to get a pit bull. I love pit bulls. A lot of people think pit bulls are a violent dog. I think that's bullshit. It's all in the training. I could train my dog to be an attack dog. It'd be perfect because no one's going to admit to being attacked by a shootle. But still, if you look online at adopting a pit bull, there's all this stuff about how to defend yourself if one attacks you. And they say the best way to defend yourself if a pit bull attacks you is to take your thumb and shove it up the dog's ass. They say that's the best way to defend yourself if a pit bull. I say that's the best way to defend yourself if anybody attacks you. Try that the next time you're getting mugged. It works on pit bulls and Puerto Ricans. Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah. Todd Royce, rock solid minute. He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Rocking some skulls on that shirt. What's up, Tony? Hello. Wow, my pants almost fell down. Wow. Did we just move backwards in time when you did that? That's incredible. The stage almost fell down. I'll tell you. That strong. I felt gravity change. Jurassic Park. Holy. A groundbreaking performance here. Dude, you said you wanted to get a dog. You might want to get an ultrasound, cuz I'm pretty sure you got puppies in there. Oh, my goodness. Those two hits are shaking. Wow. Check out mother jugs and speed over here. Come on, everybody. Let's go. Vegas. Yeah. That's all you have to do. Yeah. I've never seen anyone motorboat a whole city. Yeah. This is incredible. You know you're in Vegas when you see the sphere. Everybody, here, Here it is. Oh, it's got skulls on it right now. How cool is that? The sphere has skulls on it, almost look real. It is unbelievable, Todd, the way that you are shaped. You're so funny. You're so cool. Dude, your areola has gotta be huge. When you wake up in the morning, are there bullfrogs sitting on them? Every time I look down, I want a pizza. Every time I look anywhere, I want a pizza. Actually, yeah. You look like Jared from Subway's cocaine dealing brother. That's a compliment. Thank you. The flaps underneath your tits. A lot of people don't know this. A lot of people don't know this, but that's where I hid my 2016 Netflix special is underneath one of his tits. Thank you. Good call back there. Who wants to watch it right now? Pull it up. It's called One Slop. Todd, remind us, how do you make a living again? I do stand up comedy. That's right. And I have a podcast, the Sweet Potato Pod. But we can talk about that later after everyone subscribes. Oh, my goodness gracious. What do you talk about? You are married, correct? I am married, yeah. I got a wife. She's a woman. I don't know why I felt the need. And what does she do for a living when she's not. When she's not rubbing defibrillators together. That would not be Mexican sound effect at all. Professional rap band. I think she manages his tits is what she does. Yeah, dude. The other guy kept moving back. Could you move the back that way? Stand on the red spots there. It's like a Swiss avalanche coming at me. Yeah, he moves way more than he should for a guy that big. It is incredible. He's got to come over there. Just start doing jumping jacks next to har. Holy fuck. How about jumping cheese jacks? Yeah, Colby jacks. Incredible. But remind us, what does your wife do for work when she's not cutting coupons to save on the budget for feeding your massive. You know what's incredible about you is that your belly. Everything's big, but then it gets, like, bigger down there. There is just something cooking in that. In that upper pouch. I've always said the only person I've ever sent a dick pic to is myself. Just to check in on it every once in a while. Yeah, buddy. Does it look like a dick or just a giant zit? You tell me. I don't. You tell me. Send me the pick. I'll let you know. I will. I'll send you a coupon to the whole room right now. I mean, I have my phone. Okay. But remind me, what does your wife do for work when she's not. She buying new straws for Shamrock Shakes. For those of you that don't know. And I've never exposed this fun fact, but I'm pretty sure since Todd's very first performance six or seven years ago, I've been doing this thing. Someone should make a compilation at some point. But I've been doing this thing where I make fun of your. Your fat. And I didn't really. Red Man. See, it's one thing when Tony does it. When I look over at Red Band and he's like, yeah, that's fat. Fuck. Yeah. That's a little offensive. It is. You're like. He's like your mini me. You guys are like two different wacky planets. I have a picture of Red Band up on the treadmill. Yes. I'm a fat person. Goal. Yeah. By the way, I don't use the treadmill. I don't know if that. Did you say treadmill or oatmeal? What are you guys talking about? Red Band's never been on a treadmill before. Todd, what is your favorite food? If you're lying a bit, we all have that favorite snack when you're lying in bed, right? Maybe you're a little stony. Maybe you're just a little tired. Maybe you're horny and you go, I want to dip something into something. I want to deep throat a bag of Planter's peanuts covered in Cool Whip. I want to suck down some Dunkaroos covered in fucking raspberry tartar sauce. I want to fucking shove my dick in a bucket of fudge. Oh, what's your. What's your vibe? Can I take a guess? Sure. Yeah. I picture you dipping loaves of bread in root beer like a fucking retired camp counselor. I think that's how you make a root beer float, Right? That's what I really like. Ice cream with Fruity Pebbles and ranch. Oh, and then you mix all that. Shut the up. It's a joke. I'm kidding. I don't eat Fruity Pebbles. Have you ever tripped down a boat ramp and nobody noticed? I have fallen so many times tonight. Just back here. Yeah, I think I saw you on season three of America's Funniest Home Videos. He's the only guy that yells, I've fallen, and nobody else can get up. Oh, I was in New York City and I tripped, and. Dude, you are New York City. He. Okay, Red band. I swear to God, Todd, you were in New York, and what happened? I tripped and I fell, and they celebrated the new year. Oh, you son of a bitch. Because the ball and I'm. Yep. All right, you guys. Not quite. We'll tell you later. Not really a skyscraper, but you do scrape everything off your plate. I do. Well, I want to be a good boy. Have you ever had. Dude, do I have a gravy stain on my shirt or something? Can you back the away? Yeah, like, you just keeps getting closer, and I feel like I'm going to eat in any second. And if you're going to eat me, let's fucking play this game. How about that? Yeah. I don't think he's tossed a salad in his light. All right. No. Well, look. You got skulls on your shirt. He's got skulls on his shirt. I think they want to fucking scissor each other or something. Yeah. Difference is, Todd is all skulls, no bones. Yeah, you're fat. So, Todd, have you been. Nothing Tony loves more than a good bone? Whoa. You son of a. You son of a. Oh, my God. Why, David Lucas? The gayest thing I've ever done is I accidentally once mistook Todd as a tempur Pedic mattress, and I slept on top of him. I snuggled up in the fetal position in his belly button and slept like a kangaroo who drives a Prius, but he calls it a BMW because all anyone ever sees it as a Burger King, McDonald's and Wendy's. Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Where? Yeah, where this guy. Todd, you are truly one of my favorites of all time. Always rolling with the punches. No pun intended. Always. Absolutely. You know, just. I mean, always just shaking the room wherever you go. Absolutely. Wow. I cannot believe that those shoes and the stage and those legs and those knees and the hips can handle what you put it through. When you jump, do you give yourself a wedgie? A little bit, yeah. I'm gonna go pull this out here in a second. You know, I never thought of this. I never thought of this. Your name is Todd Royce. Have you ever thought about going by Rolls Royce because you have so many Rolls? Do you know that you look like if Jelly Roll and Jeffrey Dahmer had a baby? There we go. That. That was it. That's. That's tonight's new Doritos joke of the night. Jeffrey Dahmer and Jelly Roll. Which means that he doesn't just eat. He eats humans. He eats all animals. By the way, I love the jiggly tit thing you did. That was impressive. Thank you, thank you. I don't want to skip over that. Okay. Yeah, no, I appreciate that. It takes a lot. This is just push ups every morning. Good for you. That's a lie. I don't do push ups. No, we know. Yeah. Would you believe it? No exercise at all. You're fine. You're fine. You're moving around, but you're funny. So take care of yourself. Thank you. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, Todd Royce. We are flying along. We're flying through it. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by PDS Debt. Guys, the holidays can be hard on your wallet. Between traveling and gifts, it's a lot. I wish PDS debt was around when I was struggling during holidays back in the day. But no one wants to think about debt. The cold hard truth of it is many of us will get in deep in debt over the holidays. Last year, half of American consumers took on debt to pay for the holidays. This year, it could be you. It's never too early to start planning to get out. And our friends at PDS Debt can help with a personalized solution just for you, Tony. I love PDS debt. They're melting off the holiday financial stress for me. If you're making payments every month on Your debt and your balances aren't going down. PDS solutions for you. Everyone with a $10,000 or more eligible debt qualifies and there is no minimum credit score required. Bad and fair credit accepted. Save more while paying off your debt in a fraction of the time. Holiday debt is no joke. And I feel PDS debt is the best solution out there. The B is silent. It's PDS debt. So start planning today. Get a free debt analysis right now@pdsdebt. It only takes 30 seconds. That's pdsdbt.com Tony. PDS debt.com Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. Aiden Kosoy. Aiden Kosoy. Bucket poll number five here. You guys still having fun? Okay, so I'm not a big fan of Beyonce, but she has a really good song. It goes like, who runs the world? Jews. Who runs the world? Jews. Okay, so I try to run my life like a coming of age story, but the coming really hasn't happened yet. So, yeah, I'm still a virgin, obviously. And I used lines like, hey, you want to see my Hebrew national with a side of matzo balls? Maybe we'll make the soup later, you know, or something like. Or something like Jewish. Hey, you want to see my space laser? It's got big white beams and. Oh, and I got one more thing. You guys know terrorism is trendy now. Yeah, like, people are getting tramp stamps that say, I love Hamas and Osama is Addie. Okay, I'm done. There it is. Aiden Kosoy. Aiden, welcome to the show. How. How do you feel after that, Aiden? This was my first. First time I did prepare 60 seconds. Huh? Okay, the booing got to me, but the laughs at the beginning felt really good. I like that. Good answer. Absolutely. For a first time. Not bad. What made you want to start here? This is kind of a tough showroom. Seven thousand people watching. I know it was big, but I didn't let the nervousness get to me. Okay, very good. Incredible. You are the absolute opposite of Todd Royce. Your all bones, no skull whatsoever. I think that came out of Todd Royce. Yeah, it fell out of his pant leg. Your entrance was powerful. You walk up to the mic. You look like you were about to shoot up a Bed, Bath and Beyond. Yeah, yeah. He's the first ostrich ever on. Yeah, here we go. Ostrich. Yeah. Oh, he's a. So, Aiden, how old are you? I'm 19. Wow. 19 years old. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing. And your first time doing standup? What else do you do with your life at 19? I play video games. Uh huh. What else? I like nature. I like reading. What exactly do you do in nature? What do you do you catch lightning bugs or something? What are you talking about? I go hiking. Okay. What do you like to do when you're hiking? Take pictures. Wow. Incredible. What? Do you identify as a Jew? Oh, you are a Jew? Yeah, that's why I made a Jew joke. Oh, okay. I make Jew jokes all the time and I'm like, other than my agent manager, I have no real connection with them whatsoever. Okay. What? Nope. So what do you do that makes you Jewish? How do you celebrate being a Jew? Do you take off Saturdays? Yeah. I was actually very religious when I was in college in New York, but I came back home because I faced antisemitism. Antisemitism? Is that a black woman? Anti Semitism. And Uncle Semitism would mean to me. Where's that motherfucker? Hola, bread. Hey. My anti Semitism told me I need to move the fuck out of her house. Antisemitism. I've never really heard it called that before. I normally hear anti Semitism. What do you think? Yeah, you can also call it Jew hatred. Yeah. What type of I've, you know, I hear this, but it's kind of funny because, like, if you make fun of an Italian, there's no word for that. If you make fun of everybody else, it's racist. You guys have your own words. How does that make you feel? What does that mean? What does that tell you? If your people have a special word for racism, what do you think that means? If you take yourself out of the picture, what do you think about your people having a special word for just you? Because everybody hates us. That is the correct answer. You are correct. Very good. Weirdest game show ever. Jesus fucking Christ. Is Mario Lopez hosting this? There's some very fun things I can do when it's not streaming live. So what did they do to you? What exact type of antisemitism did you face? I got spit on. I got death threats. Where was this? At a college in New York. New York City? Yeah, Outside Long Island. Long Island. I know. A Jewish stronghold, right? There's a lot of. Well, again, only you people call it a stronghold when you're populated there. Why do you think you would do that? Why do you think the blood that runs through your veins would make you call it a stronghold? As if though you own that land? That is American land, clearly. Yeah, I mean, I love America, so. But also, we're not very strong, as you can see. Right. Okay, so you're basically in Long island, which for those of you that don't know, is basically a big Jewish temple and you face anti Semitism. What exactly did they say or do to you there? Go ahead, basically. I mean, like, they said, like, go back to, you know, Poland, all the normal. But you've never been to Poland. No, I'm from uk. My ancestry is Ukrainian. Oh, wow, way to get the crowd on your side. There's some uneducated idiots that are rooting for you now, not realizing that that country is stealing our money. Yeah, they are. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Pop in the crowd. Almost seems like we should stop donating to needless wars. Am I correct? If only there was a candidate for that coming up in November. It's a no brainer. Do the right thing, tell your friends. Anyway, Aiden, who are you voting for this November? By the look of your bones in your arms, I'm guessing you're going blue. Am I correct? I am voting for God because he's the only one who can save us. Wow. Now hold on a second. This might be the first time a Holocaust survivor is voting for God. Now, it is ironic that you're Jewish, but you look like you were in the camps. But I do want to say this real quick. Yeah, hold on a second. Eight nights of Hanukkah. That's pretty. How do you. Did you get something cool each night? I'm always curious because Christmas is one Kwanza. You know, I haven't. I don't know. But Hanukkah, Hanukkah, you get eight nights. How does that work? I mean, no, we're Jews. We get the skimpy, you know, not eight presents. Wait a second, wait a second. Why would you call your people skimpy? That is just anti Semitism if I've ever seen it before. I love self deprecation. Oh, okay. Gotta play into the tropes. You know what's the greatest gift you've ever gotten on? What's it called again? Jew Kwanzaa. What is it? I know, it's Judica Yoni. Yoni Fucking in my earpiece. I have my own fucking Jewish Hanukkah. It's called Hanukkah, boss. He's never fucking given me an answer to anything before. Literally. The Jewish thing you could do. We've been doing this for years. And he's like, it's a Hanukkah. I know, I was doing that. Ju Kwanzaa was a joke. Yoni God, you fucking people. I gotta say. But what is the greatest? You say that they're skimpy. I know. You know, I'm like, white trash Italian hybrid. We get spoiled. Even I was poor, and I still got a little spoiled on Christmas because that's what fucking white trash does. They spend their money, especially Italians. They don't save it for a second. What was this? What was the greatest gift you've ever gotten? I don't know, man. I mean, like, I guess a laptop. It's not that cool. Oh, okay, you're right. It's definitely not that cool. How much do you weigh? You are adorably. You're like the small cost. You are. You're like, ah, schwitz. Ah, schwitz. Like 117. Wow. 117. Absolutely incredible. I'd say 112. Perfect size for Todd to eat in one bite. Yeah. Let go of that microphone. Let me see if you collapse. Are people yelling for the scale right now? Did we bring the scale, Yoni? We don't have the scale. Oh, it's a damn shame. Wait, I can bench press 120. So let me see. Here we go. Oh, my goodness. Here we go. All right. Dr. Phil. Oh, he doesn't know what a bench press is. That's adorable. Whoa, Whoa. Oh, my goodness. He's curling him. Oh, my God. Okay. Wow, the fear. Yep, he's hard. How do you feel being curled by Dr. Phil? It was a fun moment. I'll never forget it. That is true. You won't never forget. Yeah. Exactly how long you've been doing stand up guy. This is my first time. Is it something you want to pursue? Yeah. I did improv in high school, so I kind of wanted to try stand up. All right, let me give you a little advice, okay? Because I'm seeing a lot of this from a lot of young guys coming out here. Even the older guys try and get away from the masturbation and the jerk off jokes, and it's too easy. All right? If you really want to do this, you got a laptop. Sit down and be clever. Write something original. Go watch a guy like Stephen Wright or even Hans Kim. These guys put a lot of effort. They're writing jokes, they're being clever. We see too many guys and girls come out here and just, you know, go down to that jerking off, masturbation stuff. It doesn't work. Nobody wants it. So to you and every other young comic, use your mind, be smart, be clever. And let's. Let's bring the game Up a little and you can start the process us with one of these amazing little joke books. There he goes. Aiden Kosoy, everybody. It is time for him to go back to Poland. Am I right? All right, we're having fun here. Ladies and gentlemen, another special treat. Neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner. But David Lucas called in sick today. He is under the weather, couldn't make it. So I had to call up someone from the bullpen. An alternate player that you know. This is a brand new minute from Love Em or hate him. The one and only Uncle Lazer. Everybody. Here he is. Here he comes. Live in the flesh. The real Beal. Soaking it in pro wrestling energies. Oh my God. Shining like a diamond in a goat's a Vegas. How we feeling? Now listen here. I volunteer to coach a little league baseball team down there in Austin. This. And by volunteered I mean it was court ordered. But there's a plethora of single mothers at them baseball games. Any single mothers in here? Yeah, I can smell you bitch. Like Thanksgiving leftovers. You goddamn right I can. Hey listen, I love me a good single mother now. I really do. More kids are better. All right, I need that pussy waller down. If that pussy don't look like a mud flap on the back of an 18 wheeler just blowing around in the breeze, I just don't want no part of it. Cause I'm be honest with y'all. Tight pussy makes me claustrophobic. You know what I'm saying? What I want to do? Have sex with a 21 year old little tight pussy, come in 30 seconds, apologize for half an hour and then listen to her talk about true blood. Not a chance. Well, bucket and Uncle Laser, look at that rock solid minute. Oh, the haters are going to have to rest their fingers after a set like that. Look at this guy. Almost unre. You did tell me. I told you. With that said, you also told me all the other sets of the show. A fun fact about Uncle Laser and I think this is good that I'm about to expose this is that he talks a lot of shit. I'm getting a lot better. Tony, you gotta give me another shot. And I tell him you're not a golden ticket winner, you're not a regular. But he is a fun guy to hang out with here and there. Even though it seems like I like hanging out with people that do a lot of crazy drugs. But you drug test me right now. I'm sober as a judge and it is true. But before a lock of sets, you get nervous in those last minutes. And he tends to drink a lot, and he tends to smoke some weed to calm himself down. And then he has to take a half an Adderall to pick himself back up, and then a quarter of a Xanax because the Adderall's zipping. And then he has to do a little Robitus and then a Cialis. Like, he literally does this thing where he's like, I up and I'm all, Johnny. To be fair, he said, california, would you be bring it down there in Austin? Every time I smoke that shit, it feels like I got down syndrome. It is true. I've taken a lot of heat lately, and I've been having to warn people that fucking want to smoke and hang. It's, like, become an actual problem recently. I don't know what the fuck's going on, but it used to be you just smoke weed and everybody's okay. I don't know what's happening, but it is true. My weed is ridiculously strong. It is. It is. It's like, Jared Nathan, I just want you to know, bro, when you walked out here and you threw your glasses into the crowd, you hit a blind lady right in the eyes. Well, at least she has them glasses to cover that goofy up with. You hear me? Wow, look at that. Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. You guys eat that after y all three each other or what? Laser? Oh, my God. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Oh, the crowd goes wild, Lo. Coming from a guy who says his own name when he comes. Listen, Hillary Clinton, I'm going to need you to take that pantsuit off, dude. What? Whoa. Lasers. Having a moment. Look at the strut. Look at the confidence. Come on, give me another. My God. Blazer's having a breakout performance right now. We're never going to hear the end of it. You saw what I did in Vegas. I need another shot. I want to give his mullet a Brazilian back of his head. Maybe it's him. Or maybe it's Maybelline. You know what I'm talking about? Wow. Wow, that feels like Jennifer Garner on a Thursday night. Hell, yeah. Hey, Tony. I was in LA this past week. I had to take some acting classes, you know? Y'all know who Donald Cowboy Cerrone is, right? I said, he's a good homie of mine. And he's like, hey, man, I got this western that we're going to do on Netflix. I wrote you in a character. I wrote this just for you. No one else can play this. I need a Southern gritty Nasty. You're going to be a Confederate officer. He's gone rogue. And I'm like, well, man, I'm. He's like, it's a big deal. I said, well, let me get acting classes. He goes, good. He goes, because your first scene is a rape scene. Wow. Yeah. And I said, man, I don't know if they offer that at the acting classes. You know what I'm saying? Something tells me you could improvise. Yeah, well, nothing like a Confederate officer with a tattoo of Mr. T on his arm. Arm. By the way, that acting class, do they teach? Funny. I'm kidding. That's my son. That's my son. Wait, Laser, you do have, as Hollywood says, a look, right? That is prime to book something special. If you could have a dream job, acting job like your show, who would you play? What would the show be called? You? Well, take your time. Sound it out. Like, I could play any character that. Any character. Like a cowboy or a rapist. Or a rapist cowboy. Or like a bank teller that, like, you know, is also a killer on the side. Some Dexter. Maybe you're a house mom with a pussy. I don't know. What's Alan DeGeneres? Jesus Christ. Hey, dude, get my dad a shirt back. Dude, you went to Chili's already? Good day. Hey, honestly, Mr. Doctor, for real, I mean, you could play four of the lead roles of Orange Is the New Black for sure. That's how you do a L. No, I would be Clifford the Big Red Dog. Oh, yeah. I got you. How about that? Yeah. All right. Okay, we'll call you back. Uncle Laser. An absolutely amazing performance. You got laughter throughout big pop from the live audience and all the way throughout your set. Gotta be one of your best sets ever in the. Oh, here we go. What's one thing we got some music. So awesome. Real shit. Today is my actual birthday. Turned 34 today. Thank you. I'm gonna get real sappy and gay real quick, but it'd be funny. Just wait. Oh, boy. So on my birthday is just kind of bittersweet. My granddaddy died on my birthday when I was 14. And he's the best man I ever met in my life. He was a real cowboy. Not the shit you see on the country music radio. TV shit. He used to break horses and, you know, break horses and drive cattle. He used to fight chickens. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, but that motherfucker been fighting since the dawn of time. You know what I'm saying, and when he was dying, my mama and all his sisters, my mom and all her sisters wanted him to go to the hospital. And he said, nah, I built this house in my bare hands. I'll die in this house. Y'all come send me one on one, say our goodbyes Bury me in the backyard Away to Good Lord in 10. He told me two things, and this has changed my life throughout my entire life. This is kind of what I live by and I want to share with y'all. He said, when you walk into a room, you got to know that the room got better. Not in a cocky sense, but in a sense that somebody gets to meet you and you get to meet them. And for a moment in time, you get to change not only their life, their day, their year, whatever it may be, it don't cost no amount of money just to be kind to somebody, to meet everybody with a hug, a handshake or a smile. My goodness, I think it's time for you to start doing drugs again, dude. Now, that same granddaddy also told me that playing harmonica translates well to eating pussy. So I'm gonna show you, all right? On a harmonica, there are 10 frets, 1 to 10. It just so happens the distance between 1 and 10 is the same distance between the woman's vagina and her butthole. Now listen here. I don't make the rules. I just measured twice and cut once. You heard me. This is what a sound like. Ph a little off, but you know what I'm saying. This here is what a butthole sound like. That old rusty hook never found a clitorius. Search continues. But if I do that motherfucker going to sound like this. My name is Uncle Laser. Thank you all so much. Uncle Laser. From the oil fields of Texas to a giant sold out massive theater in Las Vegas, Nevada, it's time for bucket pool number six. Ladies and gentlemen. Where's our lovely bucket pool girl? Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait. Is that. The great Paulie Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, Paulie. Oh my goodness, Holly, your body is unbelievable. I must say, we almost saw the Weasel and the Encino man. Am I right? I'm not Polish or we're in Las Vegas. I'm a polychro look alike. It is true. I found you on Fremont Street. I have some good news to announce. The poly short lookalike is starring in the new Richard Simmons biopic. And I beat out the real Pauly Shore. Paulie, I gotta say, you have a massive of cock and balls. That is Incredible. What is going. That thing has been stretched out since your MTV VJ days. Look at that. That's what happens when you 40 years of banging nines and tens. Scar tissue, buddy. You got a got jury duty. Yeah, I think I found your son in law. It's the herpes dome. Oh, my God. Okay, Red band. Dude, look at those underpants. It's like the cast of Cocoon is in there. Holy crap. Oh, he's pulling it out. Oh, wow. Is that your adult diaper? Yo, we wanted Carrot Top to come on stage with me, but he said he's still busy for us, bro. Boo. Well, I see your Carrot Top sick man. Back in the cave. All right, I noticed that ring card went way down when you pulled those paper towels out of your pants. Dude, where did you get the blueberry underpants? You're dressed like an umpire at an over 70 softball league. Yeah, you look like you're about to read the kids in Portland, Oregon right now. We love you, Paulie. Heidi and Valerie, they just needed a break. They're at the Spearmint rhino for about 30 minutes. Wow. And they wanted me to sit in for them and just bring out card number six. We got another comedian coming up, so they're just trying to make a little extra cash while they're here in town. Yeah, very sweet of you. Speaking of, Heidi, you've been hiding behind that card since you pulled those paper towels out of your pants. I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Dude, you've got a Cesarian scar on your ass crack. And that ass is flatter than the Ukrainian Jews punchlines from earlier. Paulie, what's up with the your body, buddy? I've been eating a lot of buffets, bro. Looks like one of the shrimp fell into your underpants. And not a jumbo shrimp either. I wasn't. I wasn't planning on. Paulie is the ring card girl as being one of the funniest parts of the show tonight. I'm dying up here. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm going to cruise back to the back, have a great time in the rest of the show. Make some fucking noise for the legend. Paulie Short. The man, the myth, the legend. Oh, my God. How many people think Paulie should be a permanent ring girl? Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Edgar. Edgar Sandoval, ladies and gentlemen. We're keeping it moving along. Edgar Sandoval. Make some noise for Edgar, everybody. Here he comes. We're gonna meet him all together. It's A long episode. One more time for Edgar Sandoval, everyone. Excited to be here, but I gotta get this off my chest. My brother owns a restaurant. It's called the Asian Palate. And three times in one year. They're victims. It's really racist vandalism. Last time it happened, somebody covered the bathroom wall in big letters. F, U, C, K, Asians. Which was very upsetting for our family because clearly this is premeditated. Clearly that someone went there with hate and intent. Because you can't go to a place called the Asian Palette and be surprised by Asian people and Asian food. It's called the Asian Palette. It's not a surprise. It's in the name. It's like when I go to the Cracker Barrel. I can't go to the Cracker Barrel and surprised by chicken fried steak and white people. It's in the name. All right. I cannot believe how wild the crowd went for that Cracker Barrel joke after a 43 second long setup. But they wanted it so badly that you gave them something, Edgar. They liked it. They did. Edgar, how are you, buddy? I'm good. How long you been doing standup? Eight years. Wow. Where at? Peoria, Illinois. The Jukebox Comedy Club. Absolutely. Okay. Peoria, Illinois. We know it well. City limits, too. Okay. All right. Dropping some names. Eight years in. What do you do for a living? I work for Caterpillar, the earth moving equipment. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. I would not have expected you working with heavy machinery. He looks like a little caterpillar. You're cute. Do comedy. You must. Yeah, you were funny. You're like Gilbert Gottfried. Right? Nice. All right. That sounded funnier in my head. What ethnicity are you? I know you're some type of Asian. I'm Filipino. Okay. Yeah. It's my favorite Dr. Filipino. Dr. Filipino. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Maybe we do a beach cop show or something. We could do that. What's your. What's your favorite. What's your. What's your. What do you like to do? I love that. Great question, Dr. Phil. Great stuff. Like, after the. After the show tonight, you'll go home and do wood. Probably watch more comedy. Big comedy guy. Yeah, absolutely. You ever fart so hard a fortune comes out of your ass? Good question. Harlan, you ever fart so hard, motherfuckers try to find you? Not yet. Okay, Edgar Sandoval, what do you exactly do as hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that has an amazing chopstick collection or something like that. Yeah, I coach soccer. Oh, okay. Little kids coaching high school soccer for the past 22 years. High school girls. High school soccer. Yes. Yes, girls. Yes. Right. I knew that. Is it weird coaching the kids when they're 4 inches taller than you? It's rough because, you know when you coach them when they're little and then they get to high school and. Yeah. I'm always like this. So must go out and score goals. You must. And that is the pep talk they get. But if they talk, you can hit him and stuff, right? No. Okay. Just asking for a friend. No, nothing creepy with these high school girls. 22 years. Doing it. I'm getting some Sandusky vibes from you. Oh, gosh, I hope not. Oh, my goodness gracious. What did you say about caterpillars? The. Enough about what was in Paulie's underwear a second ago? Paulie's underwear? I've never seen underwear made out of blueberry yogurt. Yeah, there was a lot of extra space in there. The tight band with very loose parts. Yeah, it smelled. It smelled. Senior center. What kind of underwear do you wear? Yeah, what color are yours? Great question. He's looking curiously blue. Blue. Oh, that's correct. Maybe you and Paulie can hang out later and make a blueberry turnover. I hope not. I hope so. I'm sure you do. Must roll around in Walmart sleeping bag. You must, Edgar. I wish I could do that Yoda impression. I don't be. This is show business. Just try it. Give it a try. I. I do. Lower. Everybody does. Try it and say everything backwards. I do. I only do homework. Simpson, no. Try Yoda. Come on, try it. Try. Make this joke. I must. There you go. Very good. We're gonna keep it moving along. Edgar, stand the ball. There you go. Catches like a soccer coach. Good. Good first joke, too, by the way. You know why? You know why Yoda never got married? Why? Because he says everything backwards. And every times he gets up to the aisle, they go, do you take this woman to be your wife? And he goes, do I? Oh, homie. Okie dokie. Wow. Red band. Absolutely forcing a march Simpson impression there. Absolutely. I mean, literally, like a person having multiple strokes throughout the episode. Your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. How many of you are real fans of the show, huh? Hey, this podcast is sponsored by Kalshee. Do you think you know who will win the presidential election or how many seats the Democrats or Republicans will win in the House or Senate? Well, there's finally a legal way to bet on the outcome of these elections via a platform called Kalshee. Everybody wanted it. Now you got It Kelshi is the first legal exchange where you can trade or bet on any event, including but not limited to elections. That's right. You can trade on that. Kelshy went to court and won legal approval for election betting for the first time in over 100 years. Red Man. Wow, Tony. You know, I love kalshi just hearing about it. I've been using the platform and I'm loving it. They have markets on who will win the presidential election, who will control the house and senate, who will win swing states and more. Kalshi is already being used by hundreds of thousands, thousands of people and have facilitated close to $1 billion worth of trades. Kalshi is the only place to trade on these events in all 50 states. So put some skin in the game. That's right. I can't believe you know so much about kalshi. I know it's more of my type of thing, but take an example. Right now, trump and kamala are trading about 50. 50, meaning if you place a bet on either, you will double your money if they end up winning. That's pretty good. That's it. So put your money where your mouth is and give cowshe a try. Sign up using our link kalshi.com Tony and the first 500 traders who deposit $100 will get a $20 credit. That's Kalshi. K a l s h I.com Tony to get a $20 credit. We're proud to have kalshi as a sponsor and we hope you check them out. Well, I stalked the back part of this lineup with some of your favorite superstars. Let the chaos absolutely begin as I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is a big stage and this guy knows how to use it. Ladies and gentlemen, here in Las Vegas, Nevada, I present the one and only Casey rocket. That's life. Thank you. Hey, when I was a kid, if there was fentanyl in the pills, we just did less pills. We didn't throw the baby out with the bath water. We just did a little less pills. Oh, man. Hell yeah. My pronouns. Pronouns are bionicle. Nobody gets me. So tragic. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Sorry if I seem a little off tonight. Somebody slipped me some ketamine and I woke up in Baghdad. So. Allah what akbar. So cool to think about around the holidays. It's actually funny you bring that up. I. What does ketamine feel like? Good question. Ketamine. Ketamine kind of feels like. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night because your dog is barking at the closet. So it's like that, but you're the dog and you're also hiding in the closet. Sort of a duality of man situation. Interesting to think about. Thank you. I'm Casey Rocket. So fun. Thank you, Casey. The rocket has arrived with what appears to be a new trademark office chair. We've never seen anything like this before, Tony. I was so terrified when he was rolling across there. He almost hit Paulie Shore's adult diaper. Oh, my goodness. Are you asking me a question? I'm too tired to rip. You must be exhausted. You have a very special Crab man bottle of Robitussin wrapped around your neck. We've never really seen anything like it before. This old thing? Yeah. This is the test, Jane. Where do you get one of those? Nick Saban made it for me. Wow. Shout out hall of Fame college football head coach Nick Saban now on College Game Day. ESPN College Game Day. He made it. Yeah. It's pretty sweet. I've been. Well, I was inducted into the Mind Freaks. Criss Angels. Mind Freaks. Yeah. So I've been training with them for six months. Levitating. Yeah. What's that initiation like? Freaky. It's a lot of him, like, handing me a box of raisins. And it'll be all melted. And he'll go, I did that. And I'll go. I'll go, all right, cool. Magic trick, Chris. Hell, yeah. He'll go, you feel that? And I'll go, feel what? And he'll go, you got a blood clot. Wow. That is amazing. Pays the bills. It's good cash. Pays the bills. Can you do a little levitating for us? Perhaps? Maybe if everybody gets on their claps their hands. Oh, it's like some Peter Pan Tinkerbell. Using the energy from the audience. You gotta keep clapping. I think people. Whoa. His eyes are doing something. Been crazy. Wow. Oh, my God. Whoa. Oh. Oh, my God. The tusk is shaking. That's awesome. Wow. Absolutely incredible. We'll put it in in post. We'll put it through an editing. Put it through an AI thing for the viewers. And it's gonna look amazing. I'll be like Tony Collette and Hereditary. He'll be floating at the six people. Who cares? It's okay. Felt good. Casey, what does a guy like you do in Las Vegas, Nevada? Play it fast and loose. Yeah, I'm gonna. Jolly was talking about paying for P word. Paying for. I'd like to pay to make love. Oh, My goodness, that's sweet. Even if it's double or triple, I don't care. What's your number? Like, how much will you pay? What's the ceiling? No ceiling. Old money. I'd pay anything. I. Sky's the limit. There is no ceiling for a man that levitates like you. Something like that. O. You stay up late enough in Vegas? Case. You'd be surprised what you can get a gal to do with her mouth for an Arby's beef and cheddar. A friend told me that. From Dr. Phil. No doubt about it. He's been around the block. Well, I've been around for a bit. So, a billionaire. You're a billionaire, Dr. Phil. Sure, I can afford Arby's. You're goddamn right. Yeah. I'd like her to dress up like my college girlfriend and apologize for my alcoholism. Would be cool. She'd be like, I'm sorry you pissed your pants, or whatever. And I built water under the bridge. Yeah. Yeah. You ever in a waterbed, Casey? If you think so. Yeah, if you think that. I do. Have you done that? Yeah, Dr. Phil. Have you? Hold that thought, Tony. We'll be right back. No, yeah, of course. I lost my virginity in a waterbed and I still make love to my wife in a waterbed. It's just fun. It feels like you're in the ocean. Oh, God. Yeah. I love thinking about the ocean, especially around the holidays. It's. Which holiday? Jew? Kwanzaa. Like Tony said, the. Whichever one's closest, I would love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about it right now. I don't know if you can tell. Take your time, but I'm thinking about making love on the waterbed and Shorty's really getting it. Yeah. Yeah. Tus dangling over her head. She's hypnotized by the crab. No doubt about it. You like that thing? Yep. Cool. Are you wearing the Tussin necklace when you're fucking. Oh, yeah. It's hitting her. Yeah. She gotta wear a goalie mask. Yeah. It's fucking rocking her nose. Oh, there it is. You love the ocean. You love the ocean, little buddy? Trick or treat. Oh, yeah, you love it. Here, let me do something for you. Oh, the wind is blowing. It's a lot of wind. Oh, my goodness. Does that turn you off? Yeah, he's. Oh, yeah. Horny, Horny. What's the farthest. What's the farthest you've ever rolled in your chair? What's the longest distance ever? Couple clicks. Couple clicks? Couple clits. Clicks. Oh, I thought you said clits. That's what I thought. I'm like, where'd you get the gynecology chair? No, a couple clicks. Like two clicks east. I've taken it a couple times. Okay, what you find when you stop stuff, I'm not comfortable talking about around the holidays, but. Was it an all nude Office Depot? Yeah, I'm home. Yeah. So cool to think about. How much driftwood did you find on the beach today? Dozen. Okay, a dozen. Dozen quartz, couple quartz, couple clicks, call it a day. You kind of look like the guy with the metal detector walking around being like, I found a treasure. Yep, there he is, levitating again. Full of blood clots. Look at that. Oh, it looks like you found Helen Keller. What the hell was that? Oh, my goodness. He's levitating. We're killer, Helen. Oh, my God. He looks like an opioid waitress at Red Lobster. Holy. If you're lucky. Casey, you're an absolute superstar. We love you so much. Thank you, guys. Thank you. So fun. Thank you. All right, bucket pool number seven. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Schuman ii. Now I'm gonna. I'm gonna pull for a woman on this next bucket pull because we haven't had a female yet tonight. But for now, this is Anthony Schumann ii. Make some noise for Anthony, everybody. How's it going? Las Vegas just had that 4 4th kid. Yeah, that post vasectomy baby. Yeah, the miracle baby, as my wife calls it. That kid doesn't look anything like me. I'm pretty sure he's Mexican, guys. So I named him after my best friend, Diego. Seemed fitting. No, we adopted that one, you assholes. Yeah, he's a rescue. Favorite thing I've learned as a dad. Favorite thing I've learned. You guys can take it home and do it tonight. You can hit any kid you want. Doesn't have to be yours. All you gotta do, yell bees. First bee. Be killer beat. I'm Anthony Schumann, everybody. Thank you guys so much. Anthony Schumann, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. Absolutely. There will be jokes. Look at you. How long you been on stand up? Five years now. I love it all here in Vegas. No, I'm from Tacoma, Washington, myself. Nice little big pop for Tacoma, Washington. Very interesting. Is that how they fight bees in Tacoma? Jiu jitsu? You know how it goes, Dr. Phil. Let's go, baby. Yeah. One, two, punch. Kick those kids in the face is what I say, Dr. Phil. That's not what I was talking about, but okay. What do you still talking about bees? What do you do for a living, Anthony? I'm a stay at home dad. Oh, wow. I used to be in the military. I retired and now I stay home with my kids. Nice. How many kids do you have? I have four. Whoa, look at you. Yeah. Damn. Three regulars and a rescue. That's what we do. Okay. My goodness. I gotta stay for a stay at home dad. You're not very good at it. I see you. No abandon the shit out of my first chance I got. Arlen, how old are your kids? I got 10, 12. And then I got three and two. Look at that. Coconut cream pie. Am I right? Love a cream pie. Absolutely. So have you ever been attacked by bees? Like, have you ever been swarmed by actual, actual bees or hornets? You think that bit came out of nowhere, Harlan? Yeah, tell. That's why I'm thinking. I am a beekeeper, my friend. You're a beekeeper? Hell yes, Mr. Harlan Williams. I have bees at my house. Two hives. Whoa. Yeah. Drop the bees. You just gotta watch out for those killer bees. Yeah. Have you ever been swarmed by killer bees? No, no, no. They're Africanized. You will. You will. Oh, no, they are. Shut the fuck up. That's a beef act you did. Okay, Anthony. All your kids healthy? All healthy. One with cerebral palsy, but he's healthy. Okay. Is he funny? I'm looking for another golden ticket winner. I'm getting him there, I'm getting him there. Tony, very good comedy cures. You said you're the second, right? I am not the second. Anthony Moon. I don't know how that got on there. I think just number 11. Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. There's no parentheses on it. That makes sense. There's parentheses around the other numbers. They just put an 11 next to your last name. Look at that. Unbelievable. There's 232, 45, 106, 183, 114, 48, and then the second. Guess that one's on me. When you're not on stage, do you chew a piece of hay? You do look like a hay chewer. I live on a farm. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Circle gets a square. What do you farm, my guy? We got bees, we got chickens, we got pigs, we even got some of those slanty eyed kids to help the landscaping. Wow. Okay. And we'll be right back. What the. Release the bees. Release the bees. Release coconut pie. We're gonna keep it moving. There goes Anthony Schuman, Tacoma, Washington, baby. All right, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most Elite regulars in the history of the show. Perhaps you know the words of his theme song. When you met him, he was living in his van, addicted to open mics. Now he is a superstar that flew in just for this. Make some noise. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is on skim. Hey, what's up, Vegas? It's great to be here at Resorts World. I love the giant screen you have on the building. I'm staying in Bert Kreischer's left nipple. Haitians are eating cats now. I didn't realize my ancestors were on the Haitian diet this whole time. Apparently they're bad at driving, too. They're taking everything from us. I feel like an Italian in the 60s. I'm about to be white soon, soon. The only thing they haven't taken is a little dick thing. They're out here crashing into cars, eating cats with big dick energy. Unlike Haitians, my family eats cats year round, not just during election season. Thank you guys so much, Hans Kim. Very strong. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome. Very fun set. You've done it again, Dr. Phil. What do you think about this young buck boy? Hans, if you're here, who's sleeping on a bench at the mall somewhere? Hans, you're consistently funny. You come out. I've known you for a hot minute now, and you come out, your delivery just gets sharper and sharper. Do you feel locked in right now? Yeah. I'm talking like a normal person. I am a talking like a normal person era. I always sound so normal. I'm trying not to do that voice. Very good. I'm trying to be white. Yeah, well, you're funny, so I want to say something. So I referenced Hans earlier on the show tonight. Yeah. About eight or nine years ago. I'd never met Hans, and you opened for me in Seattle. Do you remember that, Hans? Yes. And when we finished the weekend, I went up to Hans. I'd never met him. And the thing I said to him, I said, hans, you know what I really like about you? You're a really good writer. I can tell you take the time to think out your jokes, write clever jokes. And so. So I want to go back to what I said. I want all the other young comics that come on this show and use it as a launching pad to use Hans as an example. Go deeper, go smarter, go clever. Leave kind of the ejaculation and jerk off material at home and strive to be smart like Hans. And you go a Lot further in this industry, so good for you, buddy. Yeah. Thank you, Han. Yes, yes. But to that point, if you're a fat guy and you can jiggle your tits, do that. No doubt about it. Hans, are you enjoying Las Vegas? It's amazing. I found a joint on the ground. Oh, my God. I'm gonna smoke it soon. No. Okay. Weird idea. Do you ever find a piece of dog on the ground? I mean, we eat that in Asia. Where exactly on the ground did you find this joint that excited you? You're literally rich. Thank you. I found it right here by the Lyft and Uber pickup area. Oh, that was mine. Can I get that back? Of course, Harlan. And you literally found something wrapped in a rolling paper, and you're like, oh, today's my rookie day. Oh, wow, Las Vegas luck. Do not smoke things that you find on the ground, Hans. Yeah, it's a hard pass. It is so interesting. No matter how much we've watched him grow and watched his life change, there is, like, deep inside of you, this just weird, thrifty autistic guy. You found a joint near the Uber Lyft pickup section of a Las Vegas high traffic fucking casino and hotel, and it excited you very much. So it was one of the best things I found here. Wow. If you could smoke weed with one person in the world, dead or alive, who would it be? I already smoked weed with Joe Rogan and Tony Hinchcliffe. No big. No big deal. Pretty cool. But besides that, probably like Mother Teresa. Oh, well, weird answer. Very weird answer. Or like a. Some child star like Haley Joel Osment. Yep, that'd be fun. In his prime. See what he sees. He's like, I see a Taco Bell two minutes from here. What did Mother Teresa's bong look like? Wrinkled. And yes, I said her bong, dude. It looked very holy. It looked like a bunch of Indian people coughed on it or something. Okie dokie. Okay, yeah. Feels like a good time to transition. Hans, you are adored and loved all the way around. Thank you, guys. Defender of his throne. Make some noise for Han's Kim. Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has gone even longer than I expected, I announced that this will be your final bucket poll of the night. I only had to pull two names to find our first female comedian of the night. Your final bucket poll goes by the name of Eunice Martinez. Eunice Martinez. God damn. Make some noise for Valerie Vaughn. Jesus fucking Christ Almighty. Unbelievable. And one more time for Eunice Martinez. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, man. Speaking of grifty and A lot of cats going missing. I'm what's known as a recovering MILF mangling muff muncher. Weird way to say that. I date guys now, and I've gone to therapy for my grandma issues. I know you're not in therapy. That's why we're here together. All right. And with that in mind, I got to tell you, an so impressed with the lineup I've seen and with, like, the people coming and going, because being in Albuquerque right now, the only thing I see coming and going is the stuff out of my yard. And a lot of that has to do with it getting warmer outside. And there's a great migration happening from our war zone up to the Sandias. A lot of you are mad because of Unhomed, but I'm not going to talk about no more. Thank you. Eunice Martinez. Hello, Eunice. Am I saying that correctly? Eunice. Okay, how do you feel like that went? I mean, so. I mean, I got booed by the men that aren't familiar with. I guess. I don't know. Ooh, I like that. Attack the audience for not laughing. Do they want me to take my shirt off or something? No, no, no. They definitely don't want that. No, I blew it. No, no. I wanted that fat guy to take his shirt off earlier. That's what I wanted. Eunice, have you done stand up before? I actually have been doing it for, like, eight years and improving. Oh, I'm open to learning. I'm open to learning. Jesus Christ. Nothing you said made any sense. A recovering milf. What does that mean, a recovering milf? Mangling muncher is a term that I came up with of. Basically, I like old ladies. I like gray hair on my pussy is what I am saying when I eat it. You're a lesbian? I was for a long time, yeah. And then now they're calling it just like pants sexual, I guess. But you're a recovering milk. You have a kid? No, I actually lost it in February. That's why I still have the pouch. You lost what? The kid. It was an overachiever. Jumped out before time. That's how I refer to miscarriages. It's too antiquated. You had a miscarriage in February? I wish it was a beer good, but it's not. Wow. That's what happens, I guess. We don't talk about it. Like, my goodness. How far along was the pregnancy? Like, four months. So, like, right in the half, and then it just went during the half time. And you were doing standup during this No, I was actually a baker. I probably should have been doing standup. You were baking? Yeah. I'm a baker by trade. Obviously you don't specialize in buns in the oven. Mine's was faulty. Yikes. Okay. Okay. Hey. Sh. Very rarely do you get to do a baker miscarriage joke. Yeah. That is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night. Now, I do want to ask a personal question. So four months in, so did you. Did you know it? You know, because I. I've dealt with a lot of miscarriages on my show. Okay. And usually there's a feeling that happens when it happens. Right. A little bit of, you know, a little. Little pre. Fart. Okay. There's a signal, a sign. Did you feel it coming or did just kind of. You woke up and I. I went to the restroom and I was like, that's not supposed to happen. And. Yeah. Can you describe what it was like, sound effect, red band. Go ahead. Like that? Kind of like that. When it hit the toilet, I was just like, oh, wait, the baby went the. For real? We don't talk about women's health. I'm sorry. No, let's talk about it. Yeah, let's go. What do you think caused it? How does this happen? I mean, you. You're a Mexican woman, right? This is like a lot of things I'm mixed. I'm like Cameroonian, Puerto Rican, all this other stuff. That's probably why I got confused. Uhuh. Well, the body's a tricky. A tricky instrument. Right. Were you doing anything you weren't, you know, consuming stuff you shouldn't while pregnant? Were you keeping it clean now? Are you gonna run it back? Are you trying to find. You said you're recovering. Are you trying to find a new. New way to get a new baby? I mean, I was hoping to have my first Las Vegas lady kiss, because I've never had that, but I don't know. I mean. No. All right, all right. There she goes. Eunice Martinez. Thank you. Here's a. Here's. Here's a little joke book. It's actually the size of your baby back in February. There you go. Oh. Oh, we're so tough. Las Vegas, the home of the Raiders. Oh, we're so tough. Oh, we're groaning. Oh. I can literally tell which women have had a miscarriage in this room right now by the looks on the faces. No one has. If you think you'd have better poker faces here in Las Vegas, there's a very angry one. It's a Lady Gaga standing Double middle fingers on that one. Wow. I can literally tell. Who's that? A miscarriage. This is an incredible moment in this show's history. It's a raw comedy show, people. Anything can happen. Wow. She was terrible. I mean, just nothing made. I came up with every. Myself Milk lunch. That baby hit the eject button on purpose. That was one of the. We call that early onset suicide. That's what that was. Yeah. That is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night. All right, I got good news for you, though. Full recovery coming. As I present to you, literally, one of the biggest superstars in the show's history. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great, the powerful Cam Patterson. Hell yeah. Hey, listen, listen, listen. Hell yeah. Listen, listen. Hey. Hey, what's up? Let me talk. Wait, I gotta talk. Okay. Thank you. And I know y'all, too. Nigga, Hell yeah, I gotta talk now. Why you not clapping, bitch? Clap, nigga. Thank you. All right, now I gotta talk. Listen, that last bitch was. She was horrible. She was very bad. But she had a fat ass, right? So at least give her that one, dawg. Y'all know I talk about cities. Everywhere I go to, I talk about cities where I go. And I like Vegas. I do like her a lot. But it's fucking terrible. You know that, right? It's a terrible. Listen, Vegas is like, if you took a piece of shit and put diamonds on it, it's still a piece of shit, though, dawg. You understand what I'm saying? Y'all in the middle of a fucking desert, dog. It's terrible. I'm gonna tell y'all this. I changed my outfit for the night. I changed my outfit. I usually wear a white T shirt, but today my shirt says, I'm just here to glorify God. And my hat says all death to all white women. So that's it. Hold up. I got one more thing. I used to be a scammer for a long time before I started doing standup comedy. And one time I scammed this one dude and he supposed to give me some money back. All I needed was his first and last name and Social Security number. And. And I put 25,000 in his bank account, and he gave me everything I needed, but he never gave me half the money. And I was really mad for a minute, but then I remember that I had his first last name and his fucking Social Security number. So I called him. I was like, hey, I want to tell you something, brother. I hope you enjoy the army. Cause you're going that big camp. Thank y'all so much. Cam Patterson. What's up, nigga? Man, I've been waiting by them before for a long ass time, boy. God damn. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Harley, my hat fail. Don't worry about it. I'm surprised you didn't jump out early like the last lady's baby did. Wait, she had a miscarriage? Yeah, I looked at her ass. Boy, that Dicky. Well, the good news is, a girl like that, you can come inside of her and then the baby's never gonna come out all the way. Yeah, that's good. Good abortions are costly. They cost a lot of money, dog. Yeah, she takes care of it. Her body takes care. It's pretty cool. What the you got to say, Harle, you look kind of crazy, right? What you got to say? I like your shirt, man. Do you. Are you. Are you a man of God? I love God. Yeah. Give me a potato. I love that, buddy. I love that. For you. Yes, sir. That's good. You don't like God? Thank you. Yeah, man. Don't be a the guy. There. You got it. Do it again. Go ahead, go. You ready? Don't be a. Yeah, now. When you cold, you. Oh, keep going. Yeah. What are you going to do, steal my wallet? You. No, no, no, no. You almost got me. You almost got me. Tony. No, I'm not doing that. What are you gonna do, write a rap song? You. Tony, stop it. What are you gonna play the keyboard in my band? I created a monster. We created a monster. This is fun. We created a monster. This is not good. This is fun. I'm sorry. One black guy in the crowd. I apologize. N. Sorry. Yeah, good. How did you see him so quick? He smiled. Oh, man. We outside. I like his. He's good. He's one of the good. No, it's up. That's good. Wait, Cam, you said Vegas is a piece of. But there's gotta be something you love about it, right? No. Oh, the horse. The horse is cool. Okay, okay. Everybody talked about the. Yeah. Y'all got. Oh, yeah, Slut. Every place got slut. Every place got sucks. I talk about that in my book. Yeah, I read. I read the book. I read it. Thank you so much. I read on audiobook. It was good. I like it. Okay, good. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Chapter 15. Every place has sludge. Yeah, yeah. Airplanes got. Man, I love a good. Don't you love a good Dr. Phil? Why not? Come on, man. Yeah, it's Wednesday somewhere. Talk to me, man. Good. All right. It is Wednesday, isn't it? It is Wednesday. Crazy. But Vegas Wednesday feels like a. A Nebraska Friday, Tony. I think this is our first Wednesday kill, Tony ever. Wow. One for the history folks, ladies and gentlemen. Now, we did. We did them in Dublin, Ireland, I do believe. Yeah. Wrong as red, man. God damn. We did Dublin and then Manchester and then two in London. He was loud and wrong, too. That's crazy. What? He was loud and wrong. Yeah. Loud and wrong. Hell, yeah. Yeah, well, he can be a real sloppy. Oh, actually, go ahead, go. Go ahead. Yeah, he's a real fat. What the fuck is he talking about? Oh, I love it. Cam, is there anything else fun have planned for Las Vegas, Nevada? No, I'm probably going to up one more than $4 jolly with, you, know what I'm saying? But I'm actually right. After this, I'm going to go put 500 on black and see what happen. Wow. Wow. So we'll see. Wow. Yeah. Now, is it racist if I put it on red? And I'm with you. Okay, yeah, 100%. Okay, 100%. Asking for a friend. This is just a suggestion, but try putting 900 on Paulie Shore's blue underpants. Okay. Say, listen, I didn't even watch that part. It was pretty gay, so I ain't watch it. You walked out. I'm not doing this today. Yeah. Did you like Paulie's blue underpants? No, I didn't really see it. I seen it from the back. I'm not going to watch that part. You're going to see them later or what do you think? Nah, I don't think so. Why not? I don't want to. Why? What's up with you on underpants, man? You love underpants for some reason. I just. You like underpants a lot. Last time I thought maybe me and you could go hang out with you. Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut Had a stroke. What the. That's the closest I ever felt to being in a black guy band. And you a real nigga. There you go. Hell, yeah. You're my friend, too. We're acting. We were this close to seals having sex, man. That was wild. What the fuck are you talking about right now, man? Come on, let's go see Paulie's underpants. Come on. I'm not going over with you, Harlan. You like blueberries? No, I love his. I'm allergic to blue bears. What can I say? Cam Patterson, you've done it again. You're a superstar. The world loves you. The world loves them. How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson? My goodness. Goodness. One of the longest episodes in the show's history. Las Vegas. I gotta give you credit. You guys are troopers. It's been a wild ride. A lot of you have been here for about four hours. If you were here during audience load in. And there's only one way to end a show like this. There's only one possible option. I present to you hall of Famer, record holder for all time interviews, all time appearances. Some people call him the Vagrant of Las Vegas. The Reno. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. How's it going? Las Vegas, Nevada. I've actually. I've got some huge news. I got a job at the new crypto mining facility they built in Memphis. Excuse me. I've already suffering from silicon lung. Weirdly enough, P. Diddy's cellmate is the crypto crook Sam Bankman. Freed. Wait. Bitcoin? More like butt coin. P. Diddy is refusing to eat in prison because he says he'll get poisoned. And I gotta tell y'all, I think he's right. Says, when did Kevin Hart start working in the prison kitchen? Quick housekeeping note. I'm starting a cult. If interested, please see me after the show. Remember the book, Curious George and his friend, the man with the Yellow Hat? Do y'all know what that guy's real name is? Red Band. He's a total weirdo. He's got a fucking monkey for a friend. Okay, well, that's my time. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen. Got my. Was falling off during my set the whole time, Tony. My bosoms are showing. They are. This is absolutely incredible. I mean, wow. You look stunning tonight, William. Holy. It's. It's Tina turn off. It really is. I'm also getting word from the sponsors that bitcoin, more like butt coin, is the new Doritos. Chocobo. Yeah. I thought that was going to go a little better. I thought they were all going to go a little better, Tony. But Doritos is donating. Your nipples are out. You have no areola at all. Wow. 0 areola. Look at that. Just. Just a hard part. Well, that's not what your mom said last night. But she was also sucking on my titties last night. She must have ate them all off so she can tell they're a light shade of pink. Dumbass. It appears as if, though, Red Band's mother has sucked the pigment off of William's. Oh, and it felt so good. Dumbass. You know what? What? You know what? Let's cut to a clip. Okay. Don't have the clip. William stressed. Just let it fall, William. Just let it fall. This is the first time we've seen the stunning chest of William Montgomery. Well, I'm dressed this way. I'm literally. I think I'm going to move to Vegas. I've always wanted to be a Vegas showgirl. I want to start letting my freak flag fly a little more. I've really been keeping it kind in the closet. I kind of want to bust on out and just start letting my freak fly, fly. And Tony, I think that starts with being maybe a showgirl in Vegas. Maybe at RuPaul's Drag Review. I'm going to talk to RuPaul later on tonight, but, yeah. What would your name be? Huh? What would your Showgirl Name be? Ms. Delicious. Oh, my goodness gracious. I was thinking miscarriage. He's like a new Transformer. Optimus Pink. Okay, maybe not. William, how does it feel walking around in those shoes? It feels wonderful. I'm actually a natural at it. I've been doing it for the past week. I got these on Amazon a week ago and I'm naturally walking around in heels. That's why I think I should do it. Seriously, I mean, honestly. Honestly, if I. From. From like the knees up. Knees down. Knees down. Williams Hot. Yeah, the legs are nice. Yo, yo, that. I'm talking from the butt crack up from the back. You look like a peacock. You look like a peacock. Having a midlife crisis is. And I'm here for it. Cool. We'll say, yeah, a black peacock. Or as I call it, a master pe. Yeah. But for those of you no Limit Soldiers fans, yeah, it's fun. You look like Mrs. Doubtfire fell down some stairs is what you look like. Okay, I didn't come here just to get attacked. And mean, look, I'm dressed like this. I already lost $5,000 on the slot machines earlier. No, I'm kidding. That was a lie. I lost 500 though. So in the hole. So see if I can take myself out of it tonight. And also, I'm looking for a ride. If anybody can give me a ride to White Castle. I have to give William Montgomery a ride. I gotta get a ride to White Castle tonight. I have to. Maybe that dumbass who's leaving during my set, maybe that fucking. Let him go. Let him go. Wow. He threw up the number one sign while walking away. A lot of Raiders fans here tonight. I know. Fair weather football Fans. Yeah. I mean, the Raiders are nothing like fucking Fremont Street. Hey, y'all know I love some Fremont Street. What do you love about Fremont Street? Oh, my gosh. Well, you can actually get. Get hookers from there, and I. Oh, the wheels are turning, ladies. I said too much. I've already said too much. Yeah. What's your criteria for a hooker? I need somebody with a giny. First and foremost, I gotta have somebody with a shiny down there because it seems like sometimes if you get with somebody and they don't have a ginny, they got that up other thing down there. It seems like it can sometimes be a problem. So shiny first and foremost. I need soft hands. I need a butt on her ass. I gotta have a butt on that thing. So a vagina and a butt. So a vagina and a butt are the qualifying things. Soft hands is also in the mix. So I could get you the bottom half of a mannequin from Banana Republic. Yes. Okay. Touche. Thank you so much. You got it. So, William, what else is going on? You have a sweet little belly jiggling. When you laugh. When you laugh. Look at your feathers bounce. Yeah, I know. You can see the. My belly button in the middle part. That is, I think, how they made it. They really do. They fly locked together. Oh, look out. Jiggly tits. Todd. Red man. Why are you looking at me like this? Your gut looks like that. William, can you stand on one heel? Look, can you. Can you stand on one like a peacock? Wow, that is incredible. Can you click your shoes together? There's no place like gnome. There's no place like gnome. Because you look like a gnome. Okay, let's move on. No, I don't know if I could do that. William, you are absolutely stunning. I've never seen anything quite like this. You look like the Pillsbury Pride boy. This is. You look like the spokesman for white men. For Kamala. Damn right. Four more years, baby. Four more years. Oh, boy. Okay, Heel turn. A heel turn from one of the most beloved characters in the show's history. William, anything else that we should know about? Are you. Are you. Are you gonna be doing this more often? Are you going. Tony, it's so weird. I mean, again, I'm a natural talkie talking walking in these large shoes. So I think there's probably a good chance I never gotta say. That William Montgomery has done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, Tits out. Jokes out. What a masterpiece. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, the hall of famer, has done it again. What in the name of heaven? Make some noise. For the best damn band in the land, huh? How about how loud can this place get for Dr. Phil? He's gonna be in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotel Theater, January 11th. Tickets for his entire tour. Adamraycomedy.com and one more time for the great Harlan Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, the Harlan Highway. One of the best podcasts out there. I'm gonna be doing it soon. I'm also doing Adam's podcast soon. We're gonna be having a lot of fun. I fucking love you too. Guys. Two legends of the Kill Tony universe. So fun to have you guys here in Las Vegas. Did you guys have fun tonight? Thank you to everyone. Ari, Matty, Jack, Shaw, David, Jolly, Jared, Nathan, Todd, Royce, Uncle Lasel, Casey, Rocket on skim camp Patterson, William Montgomery, Red band. Thank you, Vegas. The John the Ryan J emailed is in. It is absolutely incredible. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Yeah, let's get one. Thank you. Thank you. Sa January.