#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Summary

KILL TONY #692 — IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Date: November 19, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-Host: Brian Redban
Guests: Ian Bagg, Tyler Fischer

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Episode Overview

This Kill Tony episode features the first-ever appearance of revered Canadian comic Ian Bagg and the return of political impressionist Tyler Fischer. As always, a packed crowd gathers in Austin’s Comedy Mothership for an unpredictable night where amateur and regular comics perform one minute sets, followed by sometimes brutal, always hilarious interviews and panel roasts.

The episode’s comedy is fast-paced, candid, and full of riffing on everything from sexuality, earring traditions, and Delta Airlines bans to stories of overcoming life’s curveballs and classic Kill Tony dark humor. The show brims with raucous roast energy, comic camaraderie, and memorable moments that showcase both raw new talent and the razor-sharp wit of pros.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Introduction of Guest Panel (02:28-04:00)

• Tony welcomes special guests Ian Bagg (first time) and Tyler Fischer (return), both on tour.
• Light banter about social media bans and “shadowbanning.”
• Panel energy is high; Tony proclaims “two of the best” are present.

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2. Golden Ticket – Heath Cordes (05:41-12:29)

• Set: Jokes about heartbreak, being “small,” and relationships—poking fun at his childlike appearance and romantic misadventures.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “She said you could grow with her. Something that's absolutely physically impossible.” — Tony (07:51)
  • “If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now.” — Tyler Fischer, riffing on current events (08:43)
• Interview: Panel roasts Heath’s baby-faced looks, discusses relationships, Puerto Rico gigs, and SPF 100 for his pale skin.
  • “I sat in her lap. I didn’t even have to buy a ticket.” — Heath (10:49)
• Tone: Playful, with gentle ribbing and big audience pops for misdirect jokes and callback riffs.

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3. Bucket Spotlights

Matt Rivera (13:13-21:08)

• Set: Jokes about being supportive of a bisexual friend, confusion around tomboys, and miscommunications.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “Where have you been hanging out that you needed to say tomboys are a type of girl?” — Ian (15:12)
  • “Dude, you hang out at grocery stores, in the woods, truck shops, and don’t know what a beaver is. This guy’s gay as fuck.” — Tyler (17:51)
• Interview: Sexual orientation jokes, growing up Puerto Rican in NYC, and “whitewashed” childhood.
• Memorable Moment: Accidentally triggering Puerto Rico/“garbage” callback.

Lorenzo Tyree (23:07-32:57)

• Set: Teases about big ears, being called “elf,” and connecting it to his absentee, deported father.
• Interview: Talks being a “mutt” with Dominican, Italian, Scottish, and Costa Rican lineage; raised by his grandmother; hardship with his mother’s drug use.
• Quotes:
  • “They just kept going until they’re stuck in the snow.” — Tony regarding his family making it to Alaska (25:43)
  • “Do you fish a lot in Alaska?” — Tony. “I don’t use that rod shit. I get in there with the …” — Lorenzo (28:55)
• Panel: Discussion of “raw bread” vs. toast, with group riffing on breakfast class distinction (“raw bread is just bread, dough is raw bread”).

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4. Legend Returns: Aaron Belial (34:24–41:55)

• Set: Deadpan stories about a one-night stand “pregnancy scare,” poked condoms, and using jokes about disability as comedic weapons.
• Panel Riff: References to Drake's condom hot sauce rumor, cerebral palsy, and “golden pony” jokes at Tony’s expense.
• Memorable Moment: Aaron's “cerebral palsy is hereditary” as birth control punchline.
• Quote: “[Brings out] the old reverse squirter … the old no look squirt.” — Tony riffing on Aaron’s physicality (36:48).

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5. More Bucket Spots — Quirks, Confessions, and Insanity

Angel Maldonado (42:30–54:33)

• Riffs on looking “ambiguously sexual,” being called a “prison wife” and mixing up NYC and Puerto Rico in heritage jokes.
• Panel drills into his nocturnal routine, job as a bar door guy, use of Prozac, casual cocaine use, and Austin social scene.
  • “Have you talked with your therapist about the new cocaine habit?” — Tony (53:01)
• Improv/character work: Trump and Kamala impressions (46:38-47:20).

Drew Nickens (55:27–60:49)

• High-octane “utility regular” set about watermelon carving at Halloween, poker victories, and riffing on his cognitive challenges.
• “I’m not autistic. I’m just dumb, dog. Don’t do that.” — Drew (60:04)

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6. Standout Bomb — Taylor Neely (60:49–69:38)

• Set pivots from a crowd-warm-up style (“kissing section” joke) to full confession about past crack use, relapsing in college, and living with addiction.
• Recaps run-ins with homeless crack dealers, relapsing patterns, and psych ward visits.
• Panel: Riffs on “honorable crackheads” and Taylor’s transition from cocaine to mounting TVs as a handyman.

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7. Monster Regular Minutemen – Cam Patterson (70:27–79:50)

• Set: Parodies political seriousness, Trump proximity, and street crackhead races in his signature high-energy, crowd-winning style.
• Post-set chat on family, mailman brother, and road experiences.
• Quote: “Those crackheads have no idea they're two phone calls away from Donald Trump.” — Cam Patterson (70:54)
• Panel riffs: Trump and Kamala impressions, Delta ban discussion, and life success jokes.

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8. Epic Backstory — Leslie Childs (81:54-97:26)

• First-timer with a wild, true-life “scroll” of personal stories: baby mama leaving with a midget, being a single dad, endless medical/psych diagnoses, and relentless attempts to perform on Kill Tony.
• Interview Gems:
  • Drives from South Carolina to Texas five times to sign up; has lived in his car with son and cameraman for 3 months.
  • Reads “the scroll” of wild life events: marrying out of spite, running from psych wards, pepper ball incident, $30k stolen by father, and more.
• Quotes:
  • “My baby mama, that bitch, took off with a midget. That’s not a punchline.” — Leslie (81:57)
  • “You were almost the Father of the Year in South Carolina?” — Tony (94:56)
• Genuinely moving, hilarious, and dark interview; big audience reception.

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9. More Bucket Comics & Closing Regular

Matt Galetta (98:27–104:00)

• Struggles with a set about Texas porn laws, gets booed and awkwardly interviewed about his unemployment (living off car accident lawsuit).

Stacy Ross (104:40–108:58)

• LA comic and former “Lady Blue Ball,” discusses being a poker-playing “chuckle fucker,” does light riffing with the panel, and gets a big send-off.

William Montgomery (110:12–122:41)

• Closes with surreal one-liners and bizarre stories (homeless guy Nirvana shirt, agent & WWIII, being out of breath from too much honey).
• Banter on gaming addiction, mental health, and life as a regular Kill Tony closer.
• “I just started having these nightmares that I find myself in the actual airplane and the airplane starts crashing …” — William (120:03)

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Notable Moments & Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On relationships & kink: “She said you could grow with her. Something that's absolutely physically impossible.” — Tony (07:51)
• Self-deprecating riff: “You look like you were born from precom.” — Tyler to Heath (08:54)
• On crowd work: “Where have you been hanging out that you needed to say tomboys are a type of girl?” — Ian Bagg (15:12)
• Wild true life: “My baby mama took off with a midget. That’s not a punchline.” — Leslie (81:57)
• Panel roast: “I'm not autistic. I'm just dumb, dog. Don't do that.” — Drew Nickens (60:04)
• Drug confession: “I'm sober because I used to smoke a lot of crack cocaine, and I don't do that anymore.” — Taylor Neely (66:22)
• On Delta ban: “I will suck a pilot's dick to get back on.” — Tyler Fischer (79:12)
• Dark humor/earnest moment: “I'm a single father … I'm fully disabled, legally classified as suicidal, homicidal, bipolar … I got more issues and more coverage than AT&T.” — Leslie (85:37)
• Patter: “Those crackheads have no idea they're two phone calls away from Donald Trump.” — Cam (70:54)
• Classic punt: “You weren’t allowed to say the N word in… I’m black!” — Drew Nickens (57:40)
• William’s closer: “What's harder? Finding Where's Waldo or going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper? It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing..." — William (110:43)

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Thematic Currents & Tone

• No holds barred: Kill Tony remains an uncensored, freewheeling comedy laboratory, gleefully crossing lines but offering opportunity to all backgrounds.
• Honesty boosts: Comedians who share their truth — no matter how wild — almost always reap bigger laughs and connections (e.g., Leslie, Taylor, Lorenzo).
• Regular/Panel dynamic: The professionals bring sharpness and levity, guiding amateurs — sometimes viciously, sometimes with a helping hand.
• Societal riffs: Political, sexual, mental health, and airline scandals (Delta’s Pride pins) provide rich fodder for fast improvisation.
• Resilience & heart: Despite relentless roasts, the show conveys respect for those who hustle, survive, and keep showing up.

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Closing (122:41–end)

• Panel congratulates the regulars and guests, with plugs for Ian Bagg’s and Tyler Fischer’s tours.
• William Montgomery closes on a “honey overdose” monologue, humorous banter about lack of health insurance, and riffs about Call of Duty.
• Episode ends with gratitude for the crowd and references to show sponsors.

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Summary Conclusion

This raucous, jam-packed Kill Tony episode lands with manic energy, memorable crowdwork, brilliant panel improvisation, and honest, sometimes heart-rending moments from both the bucket comics and panel. Newcomers and regulars alike deliver a night that is equal parts roast, therapy, and comedy dream come true—for both the on-stage hopefuls and the global audience.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.Com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[A]

Get up for Tony.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

[C]

Hello.

[A]

God damn. Oh, mama. We made it. You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Squarespace, bluechew, prize picks, gang, Game time and talk space. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? God damn. There's something else. Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa and Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Shawn Greenberg on the guitar. Tonight, John Dees on the keys. And this right here is the undeniable D Madness on that bass guitar. Oh, my God, we have such a fun show lined up. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open.

[D]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

All right, you guys ready to start the damn show, huh? Two of the funniest comedians of the world tonight, ladies and gentlemen. The fun never ends. Here it is, the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest. These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode. We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduce to you two of the best. It's Ian Bagg and Tyler Fish. I need it. Fuck, yeah. Well, we got another chair. Hold on. We got a second chair. Wave to the people. You threw your shit out already? It was so fast. There's a chair. Fuck, yeah. One more time for Ian Bag and Tyler Fisher. They're on tour. Ian Bagg, Tyler Fisher. Dot com. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Welcome, welcome.

[C]

I apologize I didn't bring merch.

[A]

Tyler, what the fuck did you just throw out to the crowd there, all small, some hats.

[E]

I'm shadow banned on the Internet. You're not even shadow banned for your shit, so you gotta spell it out. You gotta write it all out now or you're not gonna find.

[A]

I love it. You got it all socials Tythe fish, F I S T CH I'm still

[E]

wearing Jordan Peterson's gay shirt from last time, by the way, so I love it.

[A]

Well, welcome back, Tyler. You've been on this show once before. Ian Bag. This is your first time? Yes, welcome, Ian. We're going to have so much goddamn fun tonight. Uhhuh. Yes. Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. It's real. Yeah, it's in the bucket here. And they are all at a bar across the street. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and they have to wrap it up then and that's it. You want to pull the first name tonight, sir? Look at that, right off the top there. Yeah, go ahead, take it. Get him and. Yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight. It's been a while since we saw him. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with a brand new 60 seconds, one of the most adorable creatures to ever hit the stage here on Kill. Tony, ladies and gentlemen, one of the top young, very young. Rising. And by rising, I mean he's not growing anymore. Comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Heath Cordis, everybody. Oh, kill.

[E]

Tony.

[F]

A lady broke my heart recently. She. She said she'd always be in my corner, but she's not. She left. She's. She's not in my corner. She. She laughed. Stupid bitch. But you know, you know what? You know what?

[G]

You.

[F]

You know what's always been in my corner? You know, you know what's actually in my corner? Stiff socks and. And free. I met a nice lady the other night. She. She told me that she had a mommy kink.

[A]

And that.

[F]

That's great for me. That's perfect.

[A]

I'm.

[F]

I'm kinky. I. I have a fucking thing that moves kink. She. You know, I didn't use protection I'm not supposed to know what that is. Just. Just small boy. She asked me if I had some. I said, when I'm in danger, I call 91 1. I'm a dad now. Thank you.

[A]

Heath Cordes. Absolutely. Welcome, Welcome. I don't even know where to begin.

[F]

Hi, Tony.

[A]

Hello. How are you? Why'd you point at me when you said stiff socks?

[F]

It was a misdirect.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, absolutely. So a woman broke your heart?

[F]

Yeah, I'm heartbroken.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[F]

Heartbroken.

[A]

How did that happen? What happened? I.

[F]

Play it. Play the music.

[A]

Yeah. If you're gonna hit it. Fucking hit it. Yes.

[F]

She led me on. She told me that she would. She would take care of me. She told me that she had. She had. She had milk. She said I could grow with her.

[A]

Was this your mother?

[F]

I wish.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

She said you could grow with her. Something that's absolutely physically impossible.

[C]

Question.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yes.

[C]

Is that the only thing wrong with your heart?

[F]

There's. There's no. No. It's.

[C]

I had a feeling. I had a feeling.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Was she a nurse?

[F]

No. That's my kink. I'm a nurse.

[I]

What do you mean?

[A]

That's your kink? Yeah.

[C]

Look like a child. Everything's your fucking house. Yeah, like, just doing it. That's fucking kinky. Like, you should be doing homework and then you're doing it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap, but that guy's a kid. Tyson was here. He would hold you and tease you.

[F]

Hell yeah.

[C]

I'm not mad at you. I'm just like.

[A]

Just.

[C]

I'm upset that I don't look like you.

[E]

If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now.

[A]

Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it's true. Not a joke.

[E]

It's not a joke. Come on.

[C]

Those are the longest toes I've ever seen.

[E]

He's got. He looks like he has long toes. You look like you were born from precom.

[F]

I.

[E]

I could say that. Cuz I was. We're. You know. Solidarity, man. Look at that. Jeffrey Dmer when he was sick.

[A]

I love it. So, Heath, you have your heart broken. How did she let you know? Did she tell you face to face that it's over or what?

[F]

No, it was through text. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And then it's true. You've already moved on to another woman?

[F]

Yeah, I did.

[A]

And you?

[F]

I went to Puerto Rico.

[A]

You really. Hold on a second. Yeah. When did you go to Puerto Rico?

[F]

Like, literally, like, I just got back from San Juan today.

[A]

Today?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

When were you in Puerto Rico? How long were you in Puerto Rico?

[F]

This whole weekend. I was doing, like, a private gig for, like, a bunch of millionaires. And, like, I did this house party. All the venues pulled out. I don't know why, but.

[A]

Were there any threats? Were you in danger at all? Did anybody say anything to you?

[C]

Look at them.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Always in dange.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Every time a van goes by, I love it. Question. Did you go outside when you were there? Because you're white as fuck.

[F]

Yeah, I just. I mean, I didn't tan much. I wore SPF 100, you know?

[G]

Yeah.

[F]

Kids proof.

[E]

You got a chick there, though?

[F]

Yeah, I brought a chick.

[E]

You brought a chick?

[F]

Yeah, I brought a chick.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[F]

You were out.

[A]

You took a girl to Puerto Rico with you? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at the life that you're living, Heath. Wow. Fist bump from Michael Gonzalez. Hell, yeah.

[E]

Did you share a coach seat?

[F]

I sat in her lap. I didn't even have to buy a ticket.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing.

[C]

I like that he's bragging about bringing his handler with him. I love you. I love you. I'm not trying to be mean at all. I'm just like, fuck, you're child.

[A]

Yeah, no, it is. He's unbelievably adorable. So absolutely unfunny. Tell me a little bit more about Puerto Rico. Is there. Was there any other highlights? Did the gig go good? What exactly did they pay you to do? They redban. For the love of God.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Red Band. Just give it a. Get a little bit of time, okay? Couple more weeks.

[E]

Nobody heard the joke. They don't even have electricity there.

[A]

Well, now they're gonna rewind it, okay? Son of a. No, don't hide, money. Don't hide.

[F]

Now, the electricity did go out, like, three times.

[A]

Okay? Fuck this. This, this. God damn it. Can you say anything else about all of Puerto Rico?

[J]

It's.

[F]

It didn't smell like garb.

[A]

Okay, all right, that's it. That's it. This interview's over, ladies. Heath, anything else to say? Are you done?

[F]

I mean, it depends on you.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[C]

Depends on you.

[F]

Kill daddy.

[A]

There he goes. Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. Time for the bucket. Heath, put that mic back where you put that mic. Stand back where you got it from, you little misbehavior, you. All right. Your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. There's the lovely Heidi. How about one more time for Heidi, Ladies and gentlemen, it has begun. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night Goes by the name of Matt Rivera, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Matt Rivera.

[K]

People have been telling me lately that they don't think I'm very nice, so I'm trying to be more supportive. Like, a friend of mine recently came out as bisexual. That was weird. But he made an Instagram post about it. Did you guys know that it's not supportive to comment. I fucking knew it. But I'm not perfect either. Like, I like tomboys, which is a type of girl. I'm serious. But it's still a weird thing to come out and say to your guy friends, especially one of them is named Tom, I think. Okay. Delivery could be simple. Like, I like tomboys. But no, I'm worried I'm gonna fuck up and be like, I like Tom, boys. It was even worse than I thought. Cause I was drunk. I was just like, I like boys, Tom. Thank you.

[A]

All right, Matt Rivera, welcome to the show. Matt.

[K]

Thank you. Happy to be here.

[A]

This is your first time, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[K]

First time on Kill.

[A]

Tony, how long you been doing stand up?

[K]

I've been doing stand up for about four years.

[A]

Four years? Where at?

[K]

I started in Union City, New Jersey.

[A]

Okay. And where else? Where you been since then?

[K]

I've done. I've done a lot of time in New York. I just moved out here eight months just to pursue it. I heard the scene was awesome. And I've never fucking going back. This shit's.

[A]

Yeah, you're having fun here in Austin, Texas. It is a good old time. What do you do for a living?

[K]

Right now? I do a lot of temp work, but I work for Not a Damn Chance Burger.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. We love Not a Damn Chance Burger. Truly one of the most addictive, unbelievable, heroin like burgers you could find in the city.

[K]

Straight burgers. It's worth the $17.

[A]

Yeah, it really, really is. It's a fucking diabolical burger. That's incredible. I love it. What do you think, Ian?

[C]

Where have you been hanging out? That you needed to say tomboys are a type of girl?

[K]

I just know that I'm in Texas and things get lost in translation out here.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

They get lost in translation in New York City as well?

[C]

That's.

[A]

Well been a hell of a week.

[C]

So you didn't think they were smart enough?

[K]

What's that?

[C]

You didn't think they were smart enough to pick up on that with this type of girl?

[K]

Dice?

[H]

I don't know.

[C]

It was a fucking good role. I liked it.

[E]

Are you bisexual? You Got the. Isn't that the left earring? Are we still doing that?

[A]

You do have a lacrosse in your left ear.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I see the one in the right. I can't see over there. Okay. No, just a normal one.

[K]

Just a normal one?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So where do you stand sexually? Are you a Tom? Girl,

[C]

he's in a Bon Jovi tribute band.

[K]

No, no, I am straight, but a lot of people say that I look like I could be gay.

[A]

I know all about that, too. We relate on a lot of things. Yeah. Okay, Matt. So here in Austin, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up comedy?

[K]

I heard there's a lot of like, cool nature stuff to do out here. I honestly.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Oh my God.

[E]

I got two gay dads. I have. My gaydars are amazing. I know. People are gay before they even know this guy. You'll find out.

[A]

It's been eight months. You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here?

[E]

Word just got by.

[K]

What's that?

[E]

Timey boys? I don't know.

[A]

Have you been to an H E B yet?

[K]

Yeah, that's the fucking shit, dude.

[A]

It is absolutely right. Shout out to H e B, the greatest grocery store that's ever existed. How about a Buc ee's? Have you been to Buc ee's?

[K]

Yeah, I actually went to a Buc ee's the first time a couple weeks ago.

[A]

What did it make you feel like? Tell the people watching around the world how it feels for a little boy from Jersey. Tiny, tiny little boy from Jersey. To walk into a Buc EE's for the first time. About the one that went over your body or however it made you feel.

[K]

I've never been to a place that sells like cigarettes and also brisket. That was really interesting. But the craziest thing is that it was just like a giant gift shop. About this beaver. And I don't really get the lore behind it.

[A]

Oh, you will. Oh, give it some time.

[E]

Hold on a second. He hangs out at grocery stores, in the woods, truck shops, and doesn't know what a beaver is. This guy's gay as fuck. What are we doing here?

[C]

What are we doing here?

[E]

Jake is up. Dude, I'll suck you off right now. Dude, I look like the CEO of Buc EE's, by the way.

[C]

Maybe you should sit on the outside.

[A]

I love it. So, Matt, what else in your life? What do you have a crazy family? How do you think you ended up wanting to be a stand up comedian? What kind of childhood Trauma did you go through?

[K]

Is it that obvious?

[A]

Yep.

[K]

Okay, well, I am. I am a child of divorce. My family's Puerto Rican, and

[A]

this episode's canceled.

[E]

Say no more.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

Enjoy your golden buzzer.

[A]

That was the.

[C]

That was. That was fucking good timing right there. My family's Puerto Rican. Enjoy your money, sir. Have a good night. Tell your people. Please.

[A]

No,

[C]

it's the name of his show. It's not what they want him to do.

[E]

You look like a Puerto Rican Rachel Maddow. Actually, we know how this guy's voting tomorrow.

[C]

Holy shit.

[A]

It's fantastic. So Puerto Rican family, what was that like? Hey, we got Tony killed. Great. Awesome. Remember that show? Remember when there used to be a show every Monday? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now that guy's dead, you fucking traitors. All of you. Tell us about your fucking family. Hurry. Hurry, motherfucker. Answer now.

[K]

Okay, so I was raised very whitewashed. My older sister speak Spanish, but me and my younger siblings don't speak any Spanish. And my dad raised us in the Bronx, New York. And we were very sheltered. Like, he made us walk in a straight line. He was a military guy. And, yeah, we didn't absorb any of the hood, so that's cool, I guess.

[E]

Absorb? You mean bullets?

[A]

Yeah. When you say you didn't absorb any of the hood, are you saying that walking in a straight line is the way to avoid being influenced in any way? Like, you fake your dad figured it out.

[C]

Also, are you, as a Puerto Rican, calling New York City a white trash garbage dump?

[E]

What are you saying, man? I live there.

[C]

Enjoy, Tony.

[A]

Fuck. Fuck. You're free, my friend.

[I]

You're free.

[E]

Being whitewashed was the most he was cleaned, though. I'd say,

[A]

okie dokie.

[E]

I got nothing to lose. I just got banned from Delta Airlines, so.

[A]

All right, all right, Matt. Well, what scares you, Matt? What are you afraid of in this world?

[K]

I think I'm most afraid of dying. Feeling worthless.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

It's a.

[E]

We'll be right back.

[C]

It's a comedy show, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. Now we all have to leave and cry ourselves to sleep. Cause we all feel that.

[A]

Fuck me. That's what I came here for.

[C]

Well, I know we fucking felt it.

[A]

Yes. I would say a white man and

[C]

a black man felt that. Right then, black lady. Sorry.

[I]

Apologize.

[A]

You guys are great.

[C]

Tomboy. Oh, it's just getting worse. I'm not gonna say anything.

[A]

Matt, fun times. You're not worthless to us. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. Oh, God. Tony assaults Puerto Rican comedian. We're going to edit all this out. We're going to edit it all out, All right? Jesus Christ, Heidi, hurry up, for the love of God. Okay, all right. Have Yoni fix it. Jesus God Almighty. All right, who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? All right, here we go. Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Lorenzo Tyree.

[G]

Call me Lemonade, because I'm about to be made tonight. Minute made, Minute made. So growing up, I actually got made fun of. It was like, what, six years old? Yeah, I was like six years old, and this kid came up to me at the lunch table. He's like, lorenzo, you got big pointy ears. Is your dad an elf? And everyone started howling, just, this guy's

[J]

dad's an elf, dumbo.

[G]

And I'm, like, in shock because, like, I never met my dad. I know, I know. Typical.

[K]

I know.

[G]

Typical. But I go home that night to my grandma. I go to my babushka, what they say in Russian. I go home to her and I'm like, grandma, Grandma. Is my dad an elf? Is that where he's been this whole time? Up in the North Pole helping kids make. You know, helping Santa make toys for the kids? And she's like, no, Lorenzo, your dad's not an elf. Your dad's deported. And that's why I knew where my dad was and what deported meant.

[A]

Lorenzo Tyree, ladies and gentlemen. Lorenzo, do I even want to ask what ethnicity you are?

[G]

I'm a mutt. Yeah.

[A]

Huh?

[G]

What do you think I am?

[A]

Well,

[C]

don't ask him.

[A]

He can't do that.

[C]

Serious, like, we're all going down if you ask him.

[A]

You're the one that made a joke about being deported, so where would they be deported to if you're such a mutt?

[G]

Dominican Republic.

[A]

Okay. All right. Dominican Republic. Totally different place.

[C]

Horrible roads.

[A]

Horrible roads. I love it. Okay. And what's your mom?

[G]

My mom is Italian and Scottish and Costa Rican.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

And Woody Allen, apparently.

[A]

You do have a look to you. Ian is onto something here. You have a little bit of a look. What do people say?

[C]

That you look like Free College.

[G]

Have you seen the movie Gran Turismo? I need to drive the cars.

[A]

I need to go fast.

[G]

The guy you know. No, I look like him.

[A]

Okay. How long you been doing stand up for Lorenzo?

[G]

Roughly a year.

[J]

Just.

[A]

I can tell it's going roughly so about a year. Where's this year been?

[G]

Here in Austin.

[A]

Yeah, Here in Austin is this where you're from? No. Where are you from?

[G]

Born and raised. Alaskan.

[A]

They got people like you in Alaska?

[G]

Very few.

[J]

Very few.

[A]

Damn, your people crossed a lot of borders to get up there. They just kept going until they fucking are stuck in the snow. We'll stay here.

[C]

Ian, who gets deported from Alaska? Like, there's nothing there.

[E]

Yeah, well, the garbage is frozen there.

[A]

You can't get rid of it.

[E]

You can't get rid of it.

[C]

You make me laugh, big baby.

[A]

What do you do for work, Lorenzo?

[G]

I got a little smoke shop downtown. Smoke Paradise. Come see me, okay? Come see me.

[A]

Smoke Paradise. What do you. What makes your smoke shop better than the rest of the.

[G]

Oh, I'm there. It's like.

[I]

It's cool.

[G]

It's like a little trailer. So it's like, I'm serving out this little trailer. People come up homeless and all. It's fun. It's really fun.

[A]

Okay. How long have you been working there?

[G]

Ooh, February. So, like, eight months. Eight months.

[A]

All right. Yeah. Okay.

[G]

It's been a ride. It's been a ride.

[A]

All right. What's your love life like?

[G]

My love life?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm young.

[G]

I'm just trying to figure out myself.

[E]

You got a pink left earring again. Look at that. A pink left earring.

[G]

I think that's red, man.

[E]

Huh?

[G]

It's red.

[E]

Oh, it's the right one.

[G]

Red.

[E]

Oh, red. Oh, I don't see color. I like that.

[G]

I like that.

[E]

I do see Jews, though. I do see Jews.

[A]

Ty, the left one's not gay.

[C]

Remember that?

[E]

The left one's not gay.

[A]

Not gay.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah, the right skin.

[G]

Hey, but I got both.

[A]

Well, that means you're gay. Okay. All right, guys, that's a very earring heavy episode so far. Let's keep it on the human. I like to focus on what's in between the ears of the comedians here. And I don't have much to work with right now. Lorenzo, tell us a fun fact about your life. What makes you interest. Interesting.

[G]

Raised by my grandma. That was cool. She. She's an interesting, interesting person.

[A]

Why were you raised by your grandma?

[G]

Mom on drugs. Mom on drugs.

[A]

Mom's on drugs? Yeah. What kind of drugs?

[G]

Like, all of them. Not anymore. She's getting better, but, like, I think she's probably done, like, everything.

[A]

Like, wow.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

How often do you talk to your mom now?

[G]

I talk to her more. Yeah. Like, I just called her the last week, so, like. Yeah, every, like, other week or so.

[E]

Get her on the line. I found my mom overdosing Was that her thing?

[A]

Like, was she, like, a partier?

[G]

You could say that, yeah. Alaska gets wild, right?

[E]

It is.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

That's their saying.

[G]

Yeah. Great north.

[E]

The salmon.

[C]

Alaska's wild.

[E]

The salmon is.

[B]

I know.

[C]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

And his mom.

[E]

I didn't know the people are.

[C]

Mom's grabbing fish out of the stream to sell her drugs.

[A]

Do you fish a lot in Alaska?

[G]

Oh, man, it doesn't even go back to Alaska. It's like, I'm Dominican. I gotta.

[A]

I gotta get those fish.

[G]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I don't.

[G]

I don't use that rod shit. I fucking get in there with the.

[E]

With a gun. What is that?

[C]

Do you have any clue what you're talking about right now? I'm Dominican. Talk about fishing. I gotta stab people.

[G]

Okay. I don't do none of that.

[A]

And what about dad? Tell us about your dad.

[G]

Well, I never met him, like, until seventh grade. I went to Dominica, and it was. It was wild.

[A]

Yeah, tell us about it.

[G]

I was wild. So, you know, first two weeks, it was like paradise. Just, you know, everything's good, we're eating good, going out. Then my auntie went back home to Alaska, and he switched to flip. Like, locked the doors up, kept me inside. Couldn't play with the Dominican kids, couldn't learn more Spanish. And then he broke my phone. Couldn't talk to the fam.

[A]

What do you mean he broke your phone? He, like, smashed it.

[G]

Yeah, he smashed it. So, like, I was on playing, like, some Clash Royale, and he was like, what are you doing over there?

[L]

You texting your family?

[G]

I'm like, no, but I really was. But I was like, no, no, no. And he's like. He's like, yeah, let me see your phone. I was like, no, no, no, no. And he grabs it and he just slams it because he's like, this is

[A]

my house, you know?

[G]

You know that bullshit.

[E]

All right, well, we've all been there.

[G]

Well, yeah, it was. It was wild. Like, it was wild. It was wild.

[E]

I want to hear more about that, though, as far as your writing goes. I would write about that. That's. That's interesting stuff.

[G]

So. Yeah, yeah. Like, got bare minimum food. Like, we got some, like, water with some Tang and then some bread and butter. That was breakfast, dinner with some water.

[C]

With Tang.

[G]

Yeah, I mean, Tang.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. It's just Tang.

[G]

Well, it's like the powder that you

[A]

gotta put it in. Well, yeah, but that's. That's actually. It's not the worst breakfast beverage in the world. Tang's not that Terrible.

[G]

I mean, yeah, the bread, like, it filled up, made me full.

[C]

Was your dad in prison?

[A]

Huh?

[C]

When you went to visit him, was he in prison?

[G]

No, he was actually doing really good in Dominica because he knows English, so we get, like, the English slash, like, Spanish job. So he's, like, pretty good, but, like, he was a bad man.

[E]

He's actually here tonight. Why don't you come on out?

[A]

Carl, back it up to breakfast again. So you Tang and you said bread with butter. Was this bread toasted?

[J]

No.

[G]

No, we didn't have a toaster.

[A]

No toaster.

[G]

No toaster.

[A]

So it's just raw bread.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

But essentially. Essentially, it's sushi toast, depending on how you look at it. I mean, in a normal household, I know rich kids that are happy with some tang and toast for breakfast.

[C]

Let's go back to you saying raw bread.

[A]

Yeah, raw bread.

[C]

Bougie thing I've ever heard you say in my life, no wonder they hated you in New York. Just walked out. Oh, raw bread was backstage.

[A]

It's like, it's only applicable during breakfast conversations. Raw bread is normal for lunch and dinner. Especially dinner dough, actually. Oh, it's called bread.

[C]

It's raw toast.

[A]

Well, I guess raw toast.

[E]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[C]

That's what he. Sorry, we're talking. You blew our mind.

[A]

Now there's dough is. Entered the conversation. You're right. I guess dough would kind of be raw bread.

[C]

And bread is raw toast.

[E]

I feel like we're doing whatever drugs your mom is on right now.

[C]

I feel like we're in a trailer wherever he works, and we're flying at it.

[A]

There's levels to it. There's levels to it. There's dough, then there's bread. Then there's toast. Yeah. Thank you, lady. You bitch, not an asshole. That's the yeast of your worries, Tony. Wow. Wow, look at that. Red band. Red band. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Where's your sound effect?

[C]

Somebody's father came flying out of nowhere and dropped that.

[A]

There it is. You guys might not have been here last week. We have a new sound effect for when Red band has a good one. We have to. Okay, well, I'll tell you what, Lorenzo. It was okay. Here comes a little joke book coming at you. There he goes. Lorenzo Tyree with a little joke book. And on and on it goes. How about a hand for Yoni, ladies and gentlemen? He is the muscle. The muscle. Not quite as pretty as Heidi, but he can do, like, a mechanical shit. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner. He is a legend on this show. Make some noise for the great and powerful Aaron Belial, everybody. It's a return of Aaron Belial. From America's Got Talent recruited for that show here on Kill Tony Agt. Kill Tony Legend. One more time for the great Aaron Belial, everybody.

[M]

I had a one night stand and six weeks later she texts me saying she's pregnant. I wore protection and no, I didn't put the condom on my hand to protect her from Mr. Scratchy. I knew she was lying because we only had sex once and I checked and I had a full bag of goop. I brought my condoms home with me and inspected them because you can't trust these hoes. This lady poked holes in my condoms. I have pictures. She's a lunatic. I don't even have money. I'm just a middle class retarded guy like you. Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms and ties them up so this doesn't happen. But I can't tie a knot. So next time I'm using fuckin lighter fluid. She thought she could outsmart me. Nah, I knew what to do. I told her cerebral palsy is hereditary. You can't fool me, lady. That little two handed bastard ain't mine.

[A]

Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. God damn. A lot of drama going on with the golden ticket winners, ladies. Look at you. Filling up fucking condoms. Taking them home with you. You really did that.

[M]

But I sent some coat hangers in the mail and I'm just hoping for the best.

[A]

Oh shit. You are a wild boy, Aaron Belisle. Good Lord almighty, look at that. Never heard you make so much noise before.

[B]

Hey you guys.

[A]

Very interesting. Was so. It was a one night stand. You can barely fucking stand.

[E]

One hand stand. Calls it a one hand stand. That's good for grabbing the clit. That little claw thing.

[A]

If you.

[E]

You kind of get beat getting, you know.

[A]

Yep. The old reverse squirter there. The old no look squirt. Just the fucking

[E]

click grab and claw.

[M]

Yep, I can stand. We did it doggy style.

[A]

Oh, more like froggy style.

[E]

Was it a chihuahua?

[M]

I finally realized why they call you the Golden Pony. You like to be on all fours getting pissed on in a horse mask.

[A]

Okay, you. Oh, fuck all of you. It is true though, by the way. That's hot. That's hot. Do you have any special crazy things you're into in the bedroom? You ever use Mr. Scratchy for anything? Handbag.

[C]

Why would you say special?

[H]

Sorry.

[A]

What are you into, Aaron? You wouldn't need a ball gag in your mouth. That wouldn't do anything.

[M]

This is a dangerous weapon.

[A]

It is, it is. Uh oh. Uh oh, he's cooking up something good here. For those of you just listening to the podcast, his thumb is out, absolutely scorching across the board.

[M]

Would you want this inside of you?

[A]

Oh my God. Oh my God. No, they don't. No. Nobody wants that inside of a Mr. Scratchy.

[C]

There's a watch in it for you.

[A]

That watch ain't going nowhere. Look at that thing. I've never seen a more secure watch in my entire life.

[C]

Would you want this inside?

[A]

Oh, he's cooking up something. Ian, look out.

[M]

It's so nice to meet you, Ian. You're like Matt Rife after six kids and the worst divorce of all time.

[A]

What the. You guys are fellow Canadians, I do believe. Right. You're a Canadian, right? You're Canadian? Yeah, he didn't tell me that.

[C]

I've been talking to him all weekend.

[A]

Kind.

[M]

The real land of garbage.

[C]

The real land.

[A]

Okay. All right, well, it's a hot subject tonight. Hahaha. Very topical. All right. You fucking son of a bitch over there, typing. Shit. Aaron Belial, what else is going on? Duderino?

[M]

Halloween was fun. I like to scare kids. I didn't dress up or anything. I just tell them when I was a kid, I didn't eat my vegetables. I was handing out onions and shit, saying, if you don't want to look like me, you better eat that.

[A]

It's amazing. You doing well? Yeah.

[C]

Huh? Onions. Stop that from happening.

[A]

Yeah. Isn't that an interesting vegetable for the onion? Of all the vegetables, you went with onions there.

[C]

You want it inside you?

[E]

It's the hardest one to chop too.

[M]

I like to make them cry.

[A]

Ah, fuck yeah, Aaron.

[C]

Putting them inside them.

[A]

I love it. So you really took the condom home with you? Is that a real thing? No way, right? I mean, you could. Yes or no? You could shake your head off. You just go to the bathroom, man.

[M]

It's called a joke, Tony.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, all right. Thank you, Aaron, you fucking piece of shit. All right. Okay. Anything else we should know about, Yaron?

[M]

After my last appearance, someone invited me to a ranch that does horseback riding for special needs kids. And I thought, this is perfect. I'll help Tony find new regulars. And I started handing out flyers to the parents.

[A]

I love it that one of my special needs needs comedians is making fun of me for hiring so many special needs comedians. You have to love it. I'll give you some time off after this so that that fucking stereotype of my show dies Down a little bit.

[M]

Then I realized I am just hurting myself. So I put a shock collar on the horses. Those little bastards have no grip strength at all.

[A]

Aaron, I love you. You're amazing. You have some tour dates coming up or something? You have that already preset in your phone.

[M]

I am going to Arkansas and I have a big run in the Florida area in December. I'll be in Miami, Naples, Key West, Boca, Melbourne, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay. Basically everywhere with gators. Get [e-mail] wow, there he goes.

[A]

Mutecomedian.com we know him. We love him. Our boy. There he goes, galloping away. It's amazing when that guy shows up to a horse riding place and he already looks like he fell off a horse, like he's going for it again. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Angel Maldonado, Everybody. Angel Maldonado. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Angel.

[J]

How we doing tonight, y'? All? Ooh, yeah. All right. Identify yourself. Who in this room thinks I'm straight? You know, show of hands, make a little noise, clap your hands.

[A]

All right.

[J]

Some delayed reactions. That's the usual reaction that I get, actually. I don't know what it is about Texas. Ever since I moved here, I think all the steers, everybody just figures that I'm the queer. I don't know what that's about. Either that or the long hair combined with. I'm so racially ambiguous that everybody also assumes that my sexuality is an ambiguous topic. I don't know what that is. I don't know. I think I'm onto something. The other day I had a comic tell me that I'd make a good prison wife.

[G]

Yeah.

[J]

His actual wording was, you would have the power of the pussy in prison, Angel. And I said, wow, thank you. I appreciate that. True story. Anyway, that was my time.

[A]

All right. Angel Maldonado. How you doing, Angel?

[J]

I am loving life. I am so tired. I am so high.

[A]

Okay, there's excuses. Why are you so tired?

[J]

I'm a door guy next door at Buckwild. I've been working all Halloween weekend. It's so fucked up. My sleep schedule is nocturnal right now. It's bad.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, what else? I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job. What is that, like 8 to 3 or something?

[J]

No, no. I work until the bar is close, and then I, I left.

[A]

So what time is that?

[J]

I, I, I left work at like, 4:00am last night.

[A]

Four?

[J]

Yeah. Nah, six. Six.

[A]

Six to four.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Six to, like, 4:00am you check IDs?

[J]

Yeah, yeah, it's right. It's. It's easy money. It's pretty fun. I'm not complaining.

[A]

Right?

[H]

Yeah.

[N]

Yeah, you were.

[A]

Yeah, you were.

[E]

Yeah, it's on tape.

[A]

We all heard this.

[J]

I mean, I'm from New York originally, so, I mean, people read my energy is complaining a lot. I don't know.

[A]

New York. What? Maldonado.

[J]

I don't want to bring this up, Tony. I don't want to bring this up.

[A]

Oh, my God. Let's Redemption Tour.

[E]

Just say what subway you live off of.

[J]

Let's just say I'm un poquito. Garbage Basura.

[A]

The people of Puerto Rico were never called garbage. The island has a landfill problem. The landfills are filled. The joke stems from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. It is a misdirect joke. You're supposed to think I'm bringing up the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

[E]

We love the garbage. We love it.

[I]

You get it?

[E]

We love the garbage, right? This guy just crawled out of the garbage can. He's voting for me. So strong. If he can wake up. If he can wake up tomorrow. Wake this guy up, right? Wake this guy up.

[C]

That's great.

[E]

Sleepy little angel. Look at this guy.

[A]

Sleepy little angel.

[E]

Just like Joe Biden. Sleepy little injury. Where did that evil laugh come from?

[I]

All of these.

[C]

All these things he should have led with.

[H]

Like.

[C]

He should have led with the. He should have started with the paquito mouse or whatever the fuck he said. And then you should have laughed. The rest of the shit you shouldn't have done. I'm gonna be honest with you. Cause you're really funny, but you forgot because you didn't get any sleep. You thought, I've had a big day coming up tomorrow. Yeah, get up and get high.

[J]

I've had a very long weekend.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

That beautiful son of a.

[E]

Can you do a trump impression? I think that would kill if you could.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Try it out.

[J]

There's a lot going on in this country, folks.

[A]

Oh, God. All right. I would still vote for you over her, but.

[C]

He's winning them back.

[E]

You look like a hotter version of Kamala, actually.

[A]

Ah, thank you.

[E]

You're slightly more than her, but it's in the eyes or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Can you.

[A]

Can you do a. Can you just try, please, without any practice? A Kamala impression.

[J]

Yo, I swear I'm black.

[E]

Yeah, that's pretty good.

[J]

I promise.

[E]

Good.

[C]

Dude, you just rewrote your minute. That's fantastic. You're hilarious.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

I've got to stop with the first part.

[J]

I've only lived in Austin for seven months, but I've been. I've wanted to do comedy since I was a little kid. I. I did. I was an improv kid. That's my. That's my comedy background.

[A]

Yeah, it's the part about shocking you. Like, you went to school for that?

[J]

Ucb.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah, yeah. For many years. Yeah.

[E]

Yes and

[J]

yes and not a lot of pussy.

[A]

Really? You seem like a good looking guy. You seem like you have a good sense of humor.

[J]

Yeah, I mean, I. I get flirted with a lot at my new job. It's.

[A]

What's your. What's your. What's your flirt like? Give us an example. Pretend like there's a woman. Yeah. She hands you her id. What is. You say, how.

[J]

How you doing today? You look nice. You know, my name's Angel. You know, like. Like in the sky.

[C]

Nope.

[J]

Yeah, that's.

[C]

Stick with just going.

[J]

Trust me, I'm an honest guy. I just stay quiet if I see a pretty girl.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[E]

Send back to Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico.

[J]

When I start doing this, it doesn't work.

[E]

Wall of garbage around.

[C]

Can you skateboard?

[J]

Oh, yeah, I'm a longboarder. I feel more natural. I've been living in Aspen for the last four years.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, you're just frozen still.

[A]

A little bit.

[J]

I got an anxiety disorder.

[A]

I shiver a lot.

[J]

Yeah. But no, I feel more natural at a snowboard than I do, like walking on two feet.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Because you don't have to talk to anybody. Just.

[J]

Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, I just listen to music real loud and then I just ignore everybody that tries to yell at me. You know, it's. It's.

[C]

Do you get a big night's sleep before you do that?

[A]

Nope.

[J]

Never.

[G]

Never.

[C]

All right, Just checking.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Angel, what are some other. What are some things that you do for fun here in Austin, Texas?

[L]

Ah, man.

[A]

Snowboard here. So.

[I]

I mean,

[J]

there's so much I can say.

[A]

Really? You could say any one of the things that are going through your head.

[G]

Yeah.

[J]

Let's just say I've been skiing in other ways.

[A]

Oh, look at you.

[J]

My job provides good opportunities.

[O]

Wow.

[A]

So you're not always so sleepy.

[J]

Yeah. I've been saying I wish that energy drinks, like, actually provided you sleep other than energy. And I found the. The stimulant that actually provides you with something that feels like.

[A]

How often are you doing cocaine, Angel? Let's talk about it. I'm sorry.

[E]

Well, we know what the Anxiety disorder is. It's just a cocaine addiction.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, no, and don't apologize to your mom about this. I saw your minute.

[J]

I take Prozac.

[A]

Oh, dude, you take Prozac?

[G]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You take Prozac and cocaine.

[E]

Where does the energy go, man?

[J]

I keep it inside, you know, that's why I shake a lot and sweat. It's just a lot of energy going on. Internal combustion.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

You know?

[A]

How long have you been on Prozac?

[J]

I started smoking and drinking a lot when I first moved here, trying to, like, fight the anxiety going on stage. And then I saw a psychiatrist. I was like. Like, sobriety helps my stage presence a little more than, like, drinking and smoking. And obviously I'm still struggling with that.

[A]

Right.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

You said you're high?

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

So how you went to the therapist, what, like five months ago, ballpark?

[J]

Yeah, just about. Yeah, that's pretty accurate, Tony.

[A]

After the months you said you wouldn't do a therapist. I'm just guessing.

[J]

Yeah, no, you got.

[A]

You got the track shocked, like I'm a psychic or something like that.

[J]

No, I'm not. I know how. I know.

[A]

You're smart. And so you've been on Prozac for about probably maybe four months. And how long have you been doing cocaine? About, like, about the same.

[J]

First time is a long time ago.

[A]

Sure, but I'm talking about regular, consistently,

[J]

like, like the past three, four weeks since.

[A]

Okay, so it's a new problem. I love this. This is good. This interview is going well.

[J]

It's a new solution.

[A]

I don't know if it's a solution, exactly.

[J]

I'm not on it tonight, so that's all I gotta say.

[A]

This guy's out of control.

[C]

Probably would have been a good night to do it.

[A]

Oh, my God. You tried cleaning your damn room.

[J]

Your life, Jordan Peterson together.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

How about just being a model?

[J]

You know, I remember. I remember people didn't think I was funny when I started doing comedy as a teenager because everybody would tell me, hey, you ever think about modeling? Like, that's a good career path for you. They would never be like, hey, that shit was funny.

[A]

Like, you know, and here we are.

[J]

Yeah, here we are today. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

So, like, when's the last time you did cocaine? Was it last night?

[I]

Maybe.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Are you looking for cocaine?

[A]

No, no, no. I'm just curious. I'm curious what it's like for a guy like you. So you're working last night, right?

[J]

Maybe.

[A]

Okay, enough with the maybe. So it's a yes.

[J]

Actually, no. The days turn into nights real quick these days.

[A]

Okay, so, two. So. So when do you do the cocaine? Who do you do it with? Do you do it by yourself? Do you buy it?

[J]

I got buddies. I'm friends with a lot of comics out here.

[A]

Not the question I asked. When you do cocaine, do you do it by yourself? Sometimes,

[J]

Tony. Sometimes, yes.

[A]

Okay, so like, the last time you did it?

[J]

The last time I did it, I did a bump by myself in the bathroom at Shakespeare's.

[A]

Okay, so. All right. And that helps you get through the night, but then you drink.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

And you wake up and you're depressed. Yeah. And you take Prozac.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then wherever the day takes you from there, maybe you do more blow, have some more drinks, and then you take Prozac again.

[J]

Riding the wave, baby.

[A]

Have you talked Riding the wave, baby. Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit?

[J]

A little bit.

[A]

What do they say?

[J]

They say, as long as you're not. My opinion is that I'm not abusing any drugs. Ever since I started taking Prozac, I've been using drugs for fun and not to cope. And so. Yeah, new excuses, Tony.

[B]

I know.

[C]

Are you sure you took the improv class?

[J]

They taught me to be honest.

[B]

That's.

[J]

That was one of the early rules.

[A]

Angel, here's a little joke. There you go. Absolutely. There he goes. Angel Maldonado.

[J]

Appreciate it.

[A]

No, you know what I'm gonna do before we do that? I'm gonna say that that set was so, so, so low energy, such a little amount of laughter that I think I'm gonna bring in a special utility player that we bring in only when somebody does really, really, really poorly and gets almost zero laughter. Energy drinks were brought up during that set with Angel Maldonado. This guy is what I think of when I think of somebody failing when I think of somebody doing energy drinks. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you a golden ticket winner with a brand new 60 seconds. This. This is Drew Nickens, everybody. He is the truth. He is the truth.

[B]

Drew Nickens, he's the truth.

[A]

What? He is the truth. Drew Nickens, he's the truth.

[B]

What?

[A]

He is the truth. Truth.

[B]

Nickname. Tony's not racist. Look what he did for me. And I'm a black comedian. When he told that black joke, all I could think of was, I placed last in that watermelon carving competition. I lost to D Madness. Cam got disqualified. Cause he spelled Halloween wrong, got mad and shaked the watermelon 50 times. We all Know, Tony won the whole competition. Cause you can't beat the gays at arts and crafts. Am I right?

[I]

But.

[B]

But it was rigged. I only got safety scissors to carve my watermelon with. I didn't even get a real knife. Cause it's dangerous. But the positive thing is, David Lucas had fruit for the first time, and he loved it. He got all the watermelon. It hurts. He looked like a diabetic Kool Aid man. All right, thank you all. That's my time.

[A]

You know, I forgot all about that fucking joke.

[B]

I'm black. I didn't forget.

[A]

All right, well, it's a cute little Halloween joke. Barack Obama didn't think it was cute, but that fucking guy. Yeah, it's a weird week when you could say Barack Obama criticized my joke. He said I made a joke about black people eating watermelons. That's not true. It was a joke about carving watermelons at an all black Halloween party. The joke being, of course,

[E]

the brothers. We didn't.

[A]

I'm not gonna do it, Obama. What am I? Can you. Can you do an Obama?

[E]

I can't really, but you. You kind of. You're like doing a Kramer impression if you said the N word more. A little bit.

[B]

I'm not allowed to say the N word in. I'm black.

[A]

His dad is black.

[B]

Hell yeah, brother.

[A]

It is absolutely

[C]

Hulk Hogan. I. I'm confused. So the other guy was on cocaine and you're not?

[B]

No, I do energy drinks.

[A]

He really does. How many energy drinks have you had today?

[B]

Three. Wow.

[A]

Which ones? Was it just Red Bulls?

[B]

No, I did a ride. Rainbow sherbet, slept on flavor. Can't find it anywhere. And then I shotgun under Red Bull in the bathroom. Cause people judge me now and say, drew, you're gonna kill yourself. I'm like. But then I had one down there.

[A]

You sipped a Red Bull down there?

[B]

Yeah. With the water.

[A]

I love it. I love it. You mix some water, you cut it with some water. Yeah, I love it, Drew.

[E]

Just like Tang cut it with some water, baby.

[B]

Hey, hey. Tang is slept on, dog. You ever put Tang in a Red Bull? Fantastic. It's a kick in a glass and your ass.

[C]

Have you ever had raw bread? Tell him, Tony.

[A]

When you think of the raw bread, what do you picture?

[B]

Domino's Pizza. I love their crazy bread. And so, like, I can only imagine if you don't cook it, it's still fucking delicious. Am I right, Tyler?

[J]

Yeah.

[I]

Dude.

[A]

Dude. Oh, my God, Drew, what else is going on with you?

[B]

So the last couple Weeks, I've won two out of three poker tournaments that I played in. Pretty cool, right? Pretty good for a dumb guy.

[A]

What's some of your tricks? Do you, like, pretend like you're dumber at the table and, like, fuck people up? You play stupid, like, oh, this is a good hand when you're bluffing.

[B]

So what I do is I just be my natural self, and they're like, God, he's special needs. We can't really take his money, right? It works like a fucking charm. And then I get them all, like, bamboozled, and they're like, wow, great story. Oh. And then I'm like, oh, bluff. Oh, I got the nuts. I get them. And I can do it for, like, five to six hours. Comedies really help because I could have constant conversation but still concentrate on what's my hand, and I can distract him.

[E]

I love that they call him big blind. He doesn't see social cues.

[B]

I'm not autistic. I'm just dumb dog. Don't do that.

[A]

I love it.

[C]

Beg to differ on that.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

You got a tism, son.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

I got a brain injury, sir.

[C]

Get same thing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a full house up here. Here. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Poker joke.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Drew, I absolutely love you. Thanks for popping in. You are the man. There goes Drew Nickens. On to the next one. Now we got a bucket pool, and then we'll do that. Your fourth bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of Taylor Neely. Here we go. Taylor Neely with a new minute.

[L]

Wow.

[B]

Holy smokes.

[A]

Wow.

[N]

Incredible.

[A]

Wonderful. Ladies, let me hear you say. Hey,

[N]

fellas, let me hear you say. I can't hear.

[B]

Here we go.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

Oh, my God. Dude, I don't know if you know this, but you're sitting in the kissing section. Yeah. I got to come down there and give you a kiss. No, you're not into it. No one's ever happy to be in the kissing section. Well, how do you think I feel? Now I got to go back there and tell them they're in the anal section. So pucker up. Anal section. You can have that. Who do you guys think would win in a fight? New York City rat. Swallow that hole. Chew that entire glass hole right now. Who do you think? That's my time. Thank you so much. I'm Taylor Neely.

[A]

Taylor Neely, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Did you do some of Angel Maldonado's cocaine back there? You seem like a wild boy. Me? No, you're like, okay, Tyler Fisher, what do you think about your Adderall infested younger brother here?

[E]

I think I'm the only guy in town that looks like Jeff Fox worthy Macaulay Culkin.

[O]

All right.

[J]

You better watch out.

[E]

What? Put this on. You look just like me. Just tell people you're me. You'll make a ton of money.

[A]

There he is. Yeah.

[E]

You got a big head.

[A]

A very tiny head.

[N]

I have a huge ass head. My mom had to have a C section and my head was so big.

[E]

Holy.

[A]

Wow.

[N]

I know.

[A]

Okay, Taylor, this is your first time on the show, right?

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

3 and a half years.

[A]

Where at?

[N]

Atlanta.

[A]

Atlanta, Georgia. You still live in Atlanta?

[N]

No, I moved here in August.

[A]

Okay, well, welcome, welcome.

[N]

Thank you.

[A]

What do you love about Austin, Texas?

[N]

I like the comedy scene a ton. It's great. It's awesome. I like the. You know, it's more. It's just more free. Yeah, it's awesome.

[A]

It really is. What do you do for work here?

[N]

Handyman.

[A]

You're a handyman?

[N]

Yes.

[G]

For what?

[E]

Dollhouses.

[A]

Hey, you.

[N]

You shut the up, dude.

[E]

Bro.

[G]

Whoa.

[A]

We're about to have a. A flyweight fight of the century over here.

[I]

I'll put.

[N]

I'll put you in the kissing section, bro.

[A]

Wow. Taylor and Tyler. Tyler and Taylor.

[E]

We'd be waiting in ounces, man.

[A]

I think. Wow, this is crazy to see.

[E]

That is what I look like, though.

[A]

Yeah,

[C]

it's really interesting.

[N]

Do you. Do you like what you see?

[A]

I kind of do, actually. I'm hitting hard, man. This is incredible.

[E]

Do you also put your height on Tinder as millimeters to trick?

[I]

No.

[N]

It does say five' eight on my driver's license, but it secretly not so secretly. It's 5, 7, and 3 4, but legally 5' 8.

[E]

There you go.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Bomb.

[N]

That sucks.

[A]

The is D madness going right now? Is somebody gonna help this guy? There's nothing but stairways on the other end of that curtain, by the way. I've never seen D walk off on his own before.

[E]

You just walked a blind guy. Holy

[A]

Jesus Christ. So what did you say Your height was?

[N]

5, 8?

[A]

Get the out of here.

[G]

No way.

[A]

Does anyone believe in 5 4? Tyler, why don't you, Tyler, take this. Tyler. Ass to ass. That looks about right. Wow, look at this. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't think we need the tape measure. I kind of believe you. At five eight, I'll believe five eight.

[E]

Yeah, he's five' eight. I'm so small. God damn.

[N]

It.

[A]

Ian, what do you think about this young buck?

[C]

I think he's fantastic.

[E]

Great energy.

[C]

He's growing a mustache. He's 12. He's got a giant head. Looks like this fella over here. Everybody's all excited. He's got tattoos. He will fix things in your house.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you specialize in? As a handyman?

[N]

I'm transitioning to mounting just TVs. Hey. Hey.

[A]

What the fuck?

[N]

Hey, you also. Shut the fuck up. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean transitioning to just mounting TVs.

[A]

Just mounting TVs and high heels.

[N]

It's better money.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What from. What were you doing before?

[N]

I did. I finished a big painting job today, and I mow lawns and put furniture taskrabbit.

[A]

Okay, so you're a Mexican. Yeah.

[C]

And you just started transitioning today?

[N]

No, no, no. When I moved here, I just found the job on Zip Recruiter shout out.

[A]

Absolutely. We absolutely love ZipRecruiter. No doubt about it.

[N]

Oh, the smartest way to hire.

[A]

All right. What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor? What's your. What's your nightlife?

[N]

Well, I'm sober because I used to smoke a lot of crack cocaine, and I don't do that anymore.

[H]

There it is.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Yeah.

[N]

That last guy doesn't have fucking shit on me. Grow up and smoke crack like an adult.

[A]

Yeah. How did you end up smoking crack? Well.

[N]

Oh, you see. Wolf of Wall Street.

[A]

What?

[N]

Wolf of Wall Street. I really loved cocaine in college. And then when I was drunk, I saw Wolf of Wall street, and when they smoked crack in Wolf of Wall street, drunk me was like, that looks like a fuckload of fun. And then I went home from college. I'm from Columbus, Ohio, and I went to Ohio State. Go, Buckeyes. And I went to. I came out of a blackout, and I asked this guy if he knew where to get crack. And then you tried crack for the

[A]

first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio?

[N]

Yes, a homeless guy.

[A]

So you smoked it. A homeless guy. You smoke crack. What happens? Take us through the process, please.

[N]

The first time I smoked crack, so it's like a young homeless black man. He seemed like my age. And I'm like, do you know where to get crack? He takes me to, like, the bad part of high street, which is like a. Yeah. And then he takes me to a tall, lanky black guy, and I give him money. And he could have walked away with the money, but crackheads are very honorable, and he Comes back. Oh, yeah, he comes back with the crack and we smoke it. And then, like, somehow I get a gaggle of like, homeless guys and we're walking down the street and we go into a. I go into a convenience store because I want some water. Because coke and crack makes you very thirsty. And I like. They start asking me for money and shit, and I don't want to deal with this. So I'm walking out of the gas station and there's another guy walking to his car. And then like, oh, yo, pretend I'm with you. And I get in their car, we speed off, and then I. These guys are like, yo, what'd you get into tonight? And I'm like, well, I smoked crack for the first time. And then they're like, well, you want to smoke some more?

[B]

So.

[A]

Okay, okay. So then what happened?

[N]

He dropped me back off at my friend's fraternity house at 6am Fifth Street, Sixth Street.

[A]

Did you love it?

[N]

Drunk me loves it.

[A]

Okay.

[N]

Sober me, it's all.

[I]

It's bad.

[N]

It's bad at the end. It's fun. It's fun for the first 30 minutes and then it's.

[A]

Let me ask you this. How soon after that did you want to do it again?

[N]

Every time I got drunk until I got it under control this time.

[A]

Yeah. So you kept like. And you would drink almost every night?

[N]

No, it's more. I'm like a binger. Like, I'll relapse and then I'll binge

[K]

for like a week.

[N]

And I went to the psych ward recently, and that was bad. I was being too naughty.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, it sounds like it. What do you guys.

[E]

Are you sending comedians from a homeless shelter across the street? Just shipping them across 6th Street.

[C]

Now, do people know you're a handyman when you're working or are you a crackhead that's breaking into the house?

[N]

I. Okay, I am the guy on the corner with the windshield wiper just trying to wash people's windshield.

[C]

That's not what I said.

[A]

There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy breaking into your house. Can I mount your TV buddy transitioning.

[E]

He's an honorable crackhead. That old saying.

[C]

He'll drop you off at 6am after he's mounted your TV, stole your copper.

[A]

Well, Taylor, fun times. Decent set. There was a lot of that. Was trying to get the crowd to fucking repeat after you. Shit. So you're leaving here with a little joke button. Come back again. Keep signing up. Maybe you'll get a big one. There goes Taylor Neely, everybody. We've come to that time of the show where it is indeed time for one of your most elite regulars of all time. This young man is selling out all over the country. Technically, all over the world. Anytime he announces a date, it sells out. He's a monster. You get to see a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody.

[I]

Hey. People take politics too serious, nigga. Real shit. I know it's been a thing tonight, but really, people take politics way too serious. I don't even know how to spell politics. I don't really care about it too much. It don't really bother me at all. It's funny. Cause I believe in, like, three degrees of separation. And I talk to Joe Rogan all the time. And that blows my mind, dawg. He just talked to Donald Trump for three hours. And I used to talk to crackheads on the street. You understand what I'm saying? Those crackheads have no idea they two phone calls away from Donald Trump. They have no idea. They be like, let me get a dollar. I got something better for you, nigga.

[B]

Just wait on it.

[I]

Outraced one a couple days ago. That was cool. That was fun as shit. He was slow as hell, and I beat him. After I beat him, he was like. I told him, I said, if you beat me, I'll give you $20 if you beat me, right? He was like, ooh, I got you. I could beat you. I promise. I can beat you. And then we raced, and then I won. He was like, hey, just split the pot.

[A]

Fuck it.

[I]

Just split it in half, nigga. Give me half the money, please. That's my time.

[A]

Unbelievable. That's how it's done. We say a brand new minute from the man himself.

[I]

Come on, nigga, we outside, man.

[A]

We are. We outside.

[I]

Come on, bro.

[A]

It's unbelievable.

[I]

This shit crazy, man.

[A]

We are in it. Hell, yeah. No doubt about it.

[I]

My lady called me a bigot the other day.

[A]

Really? Yeah.

[I]

And I like. I don't know what the fuck that mean. Bitch, be smarter. Dumbass. Stupid bitch. Use better words. Stupid.

[A]

What did you do to make her call you a bigot?

[I]

What did you do to make her

[A]

call me a bigot? God damn. Thank you, tony.

[I]

I've been fighting for you all week, nigga. You have no idea. Been fighting hard as. Been fighting hard as that, my brother. Leave him alone.

[A]

It's been crazy. Don't fight. Rope a dope. Just let them wear themselves.

[E]

The crackheads love me. They love me.

[A]

Trump, what do you think about Cam Patterson?

[E]

I love the African American.

[J]

Hello.

[E]

Trump acts like he saved black people before I was president. Black people, they couldn't even walk. They couldn't speak English. Cam barely can, but he's doing great.

[I]

I speak great English. My English phenomenal.

[E]

Yeah, he's like Joe Biden.

[J]

Mumbling, mumbling.

[E]

So funny, bro.

[A]

So it's been a wild week for you, huh, Cam?

[I]

Yeah, it's been up and up and down. My brother love that shit, though. My brother enjoyed it.

[A]

Nice.

[I]

Brother enjoyed it. Hell, yeah. He a mailman, so that's cool.

[A]

I love it. Hell, yeah. He's a real mailman.

[I]

Swear to God. The funny thing is, I'm doing this. My life is going great, and my brother's a real madman, and he's still my dad's favorite.

[J]

Wow.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Is he the youngest?

[I]

Oldest? Okay, well, he's the second oldest.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. All right. How many brothers do you have? I got one brother. Well, wait, I've talked about.

[I]

I got. I got one. I got one blood brother.

[E]

That's your. No.

[O]

Of.

[I]

Yeah, I got.

[A]

That's an astray. Me.

[I]

I got one blood.

[A]

I got.

[I]

I. I got a lot of brothers I f. With. You know what I'm saying? Like, I know from the streets and. But, like, I got one blood brother.

[A]

Okay, gang.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

I love him indeed.

[I]

He the best, man.

[E]

He's just been doing his Kamala impression this whole time, man.

[I]

She.

[E]

It's good. It's good.

[C]

So how many brothers do you have?

[I]

Got one brother.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Yeah. And then I got a couple homeboys that. We did some together today. My brothers also left brother. They are.

[A]

No, no, no.

[I]

They are.

[C]

They're brothers, but not their brother. Their brother, but they're not their brother.

[I]

What the that mean? You confusing me right now.

[C]

You confuse me.

[I]

We confusing each other.

[A]

I love it.

[I]

That great. Yeah, this is good.

[A]

Is the male places. Is. Is the mailman your blood brother? Yes, but he's not the oldest. The. You count the oldest is one of your.

[I]

Oh, no, that's my. That's my. That's my sister. My old oldest sibling is my sister.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[I]

I got a sister now. I. I got three sisters. I got three sisters and one One brother.

[A]

Do you think he's a mailman because

[J]

he has all these packages in his car?

[C]

Like, what.

[I]

What like what the.

[A]

That mean? There you go. Redb. Red band's back.

[I]

He was on fire for two weeks. What the happened? That was terrible.

[A]

Back to normal. He snapped. All right. I love it. Cam, were you on the road this week at All.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Where were you at?

[I]

I was in Sacramento.

[A]

Okay. Sac.

[B]

She was cool, bro. She was cool.

[A]

Punchline.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Great club.

[I]

Great club. Like that a lot. It was a guy in the crowd. It was like a swole dude, real swole guy. And I asked him, I said, what do you do? He like, I'm entrepreneur. I was like, okay, yeah, but like, what is. Like, what is an entrepreneur in? And then he was like, I'm a security. He just made it more vague than anything. Right. And then come to find out, he like a security guard. And he came to the meet and greet, gave me a Gucci jacket that was pretty cool. It was too big. So I gave it to my sister. Cause she big as hell, right?

[C]

I am your sister.

[E]

Yes, she.

[I]

No, she your size. N. She big as she. That is beautiful. I gave it my.

[C]

She should be a male man.

[I]

So I gave it a hug, and then we went. Then he took it to the Gucci store the next day and bought me, like, some slides. And she bought jolly a jacket. It was crazy.

[A]

Real Gucci stuff.

[I]

Yeah, he closed it down for us. I don't know what. He might be the president. I don't know what he is.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

No, he. He robbed a Gucci store?

[A]

Yeah, if it was closed. Closed. If it was closed when he went in there. I'm pretty sure.

[C]

Absolutely.

[I]

He said. He said he closed down for us. I was like, that's cool.

[N]

We had.

[I]

No, no, they gave.

[C]

You never been in a riot?

[I]

No.

[C]

That's exactly what you were involved in.

[I]

They was giving us champagne and shit.

[C]

Yes. You robbed it.

[I]

Yeah, we robbed it.

[A]

It.

[H]

We robbed it.

[A]

Stole that shit. Amazing. Gucci slides.

[I]

Now I've been had Gucci slides. I've had a bunch of Gucci slides, Nigga, I got. I mean, you help me get a lot of money, you know what I'm saying? Life is all right. Life ain't bad right now. You know what I'm saying?

[H]

This is good.

[I]

Awesome. I got a bracelet, and I have a bracelet.

[E]

Hell yeah, you got bracelet.

[C]

You're spending your money.

[I]

I got a bracelet.

[E]

I'm wearing a woman's watch. Look at that.

[A]

Look at that cute little tiny wash.

[I]

That's a little baby.

[A]

That is the tiniest watch I've ever seen.

[E]

My wrist look bigger. I got a. Like, make me look bigger.

[A]

Where did you get. Is that from. Where is that Stuart Littles? What? Where do you get a watch?

[E]

I found it in the. In the garbage. Puerto Rico.

[B]

Oh.

[J]

Oh, my.

[E]

Come on.

[I]

God damn it.

[A]

I make fun of your Watch. You just got to bring that up. Jesus Christ dies when you say words like that.

[I]

Dangerous words right now, brother.

[E]

I like it. I need it.

[A]

It. Oh, my God.

[E]

I'm on the no Fly list.

[J]

I'm.

[G]

I'm.

[A]

Yeah. What happened with Delta? Let's take a moment to talk about this.

[B]

We should talk about.

[A]

Yeah, let's talk about it. I want Cam's input on this.

[I]

I'm glad to be here for this.

[A]

Yeah, he has a lot of. He has a lot of brothers and cousins that work at Delta. I'm sure.

[C]

You know, security.

[A]

Atlanta based company.

[E]

They were all riding in the overhead luggage. Actually, they. They. They came out right up.

[G]

Oh, I.

[E]

So I tweeted. I tweeted a photo.

[I]

They're not gonna let me come back to Cookout after this, man. They gonna ban me from this.

[A]

Prepare to be called a bigot again. Here we go. Tyler Fisher's Delta story.

[E]

My Delta story. I got. I got. I took a picture of a. A pride pin, and I just tweeted out. Do I need to know who sucks dick or eat eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly?

[A]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You took a picture of a pride pin connected to what?

[E]

A flight attendant.

[A]

Right? That's an important part of the story.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

You just said you took a picture of a pride pin. So a flight attendant's wearing a pride pin, and you said what?

[E]

I said, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly? Does it? I got banned for life for that shit.

[I]

For life?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Damn.

[E]

For life.

[I]

Forever.

[E]

Forever.

[B]

Damn.

[I]

I'm forever.

[C]

Ever.

[E]

Delta trains. Now I got to take choo choo trains to my shows.

[I]

What about, like, other. What about, like, other Air.

[E]

It's the biggest airline in the world.

[I]

Other airlines, though.

[E]

I will suck a pilot's dick to get back on.

[N]

Hey, hey, hey.

[A]

You don't have to do that.

[E]

There's other airlines, Ally.

[I]

There's different airlines. You can get on other airlines.

[C]

Stick with the train.

[A]

You.

[I]

Yeah, that's like. That's like when Texas, like, banned porn. Like, they just banned pornhub. That was it. All the other ones are still open.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's true. But they're on a different airline.

[B]

You fine.

[E]

They're gonna sue me, though. They're suing me.

[I]

I be thinking this shit. I'm a fucking jeep.

[E]

Gonna sue me?

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

For your little watch?

[E]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Take all they got.

[E]

This is it.

[A]

So what airline have you been using since?

[E]

Oh, I took Frontier I flew in this morning.

[A]

Oh, look at me. Good luck, buddy. Oh, my God.

[B]

You don't have to do that.

[E]

Well, I did. That was it. That was all that was available to me. Yeah.

[A]

I came back from.

[E]

I don't even remember where I was, it was so early.

[C]

Seven connections from Dallas.

[A]

It's a bumpy landing on.

[E]

They didn't even go up to a gate. They parked in the middle of the Runway and just throw a ramp down.

[A]

Maybe spirit soon. Yeah.

[E]

Boycott Delta, by the way.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. There you go.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

How about you let the gays be gay on the plane?

[E]

I'm raised by gay men. I love gay men. It's not about.

[A]

You were raised by gay men?

[E]

Yes.

[I]

What's going on here, man?

[A]

I didn't know this.

[C]

What's going on here?

[I]

What's going on here?

[C]

What's going on here?

[E]

When I was seven, it came out as racist. But then four years later, he started dudes.

[I]

Damn.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

What?

[E]

Look at me. Obviously.

[A]

Yeah. I had no idea that the Keebler elves were gay. All right. Wow, Delta. Yeah, I mean, isn't that interesting that like, like.

[E]

I mean, we both had a rough week, huh?

[A]

I don't know why you have to keep bringing my up here.

[E]

I'd rather have yours. You could still fly Delta, right? Not to Puerto Rico, but I'd much rather have yours. Dude, I will trade. I'll start smoking. I'll do whatever I got to do.

[C]

You lost all your airports. You only lost one.

[A]

Oh, my God, Cam. Literally the best minute of the night so far. You did it again. He has to do it every week. Not easy. Not an easy gig at all. How loud can this play? Skip of the great King Sam Patterson. All right, back to the bucket we go. Jesus, I just broke a name. That's a first. Look at that brute strength. Make some noise for Leslie Childs, everybody. Leslie Childs is next.

[H]

How's it going, everybody? My name is Leslie Childs. Just to tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a single father. Been raising my son by myself now for 11 years now. That's a long ass time to be doing something by yourself. Right? So you're probably wondering the same thing. Everybody keeps asking me, where the mom at? And that's a fair question. And I love telling people the honest God truth. Cause there's nothing fucking fun here. See, when my son was 2 weeks old, my baby mama, that bitch took off with a midget. That's not a punchline. This bitch actually took off with a midget. And to this day, I don't know what pisses me off more. The fact that she took off with a midget or the fact that a midget was wearing cargo shorts. You ever seen the emo midget wearing cargo shorts? That shit will hurt your pride as a man. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, honestly. He looked like he was coming down to his shortcomings, though. For real. But look, on some serious shit, though, my son, he's 11 years old, knows half the periodic table and the first 22 digits of pie. Not to pat myself on the shoulder, but I don't think I did. Too bad for a guy who failed the retarded class every year, right? And look, this bitch had the nerves to call me back up after about a week, talking about the midget was throwing beer cans at her and fucking hitting her with cans and shit. I was like, that sound like a short relationship, y'.

[A]

All.

[H]

That's been my time. Y' all have a blessed night.

[A]

Wow. Well, jokes on her. The guy she left with can't fly Delta anymore.

[F]

Sorry.

[E]

Your ex wife.

[A]

Welcome to the show, Leslie.

[H]

Appreciate it.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Everywhere's roomy for you. Gotta stand up on this seat to adjust your air vent.

[E]

I hide in the bathroom. I just sleep under the sink.

[A]

So, Leslie, how long you been doing stand up?

[H]

I have been trying to get on this show for almost four and a half years, man.

[A]

You've been trying to get on the show for almost four years?

[H]

Almost four years, yeah.

[A]

When you say that, you mean you've been signing up off and on?

[H]

Dude, the shit I've been through just to try and get on this show

[A]

will blow your mind. Name some of the things that you've been through.

[H]

All right, so I've drove from South Carolina, where I'm from, to here multiple times. My first time was for the HEB arena show. All this is on YouTube. I took and traveled from there with no gas, no food, no money, told jokes the entire time just to get by at gas stations and shit. My car broke down five times in every fucking state. There was a person coming here to see the show on H E B with a ticket helping me to get my car fixed. And again, it's all on YouTube. Shit that comes out of my mouth will blow your mind. But just take in mind everything I'm telling you, including my joke, is 100% true.

[A]

I believe you.

[E]

A midget was an upgrade. I'm gonna just.

[A]

Dude,

[H]

my life is wild, dude, you have no idea.

[A]

So you're in South Carolina? That's where you live?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Your car broke five times on the way to the HEV Center. Have you tried to sign up for here multiple times?

[J]

Yeah.

[H]

Dude, you know, everybody's seen that red car sitting underneath the bridge. Dude, that's my car. It's been here since.

[A]

Well, not everybody has seen a red car underneath the bridge. Let's just take it one step at a time here, Leslie. So how many times do you think you've driven from South Carolina to Austin, Texas, to sign up for this show? Just give me a bump.

[H]

Probably about five times. I also drove from South Carolina to the LA one. Again, no gas, no food, no money.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Are you also on a no Fly list?

[H]

I'm on a lot of different lists, but not that one.

[A]

A lot of different lists.

[E]

And no touch list.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, Leslie. Well, congratulations. You're here. You finally did it. All the.

[H]

All the.

[A]

All the hours on the road. That's amazing.

[H]

You wouldn't believe all the people that told me I wouldn't get here. Dude, that was a waste of time that you're retarded. You're never going to make it. Like, I did fail the class, but I made it as them.

[A]

I love it. I love it. Leslie, you didn't give up. Here you are. Here you are. What do you do for work, Leslie?

[H]

I'm fully disabled. See, I'm legally classified as. This is usually where I lose people. So, sorry. But that's okay.

[A]

You're like the fourth retarded guy on the show tonight.

[H]

I'm legally classified as suicidal, homicidal, bipolar, childhood motor depressive, slight schizophrenia, ocd, ODD ADHD and slight night terrors. I got more issues and more coverage than AT&T.

[A]

And by how fast you said that, you're also autistic. Yeah. Incredible, Tony.

[H]

I've been telling everybody for a long time, I'm your wet dream, dude, like the story. I see how surprised and amazed this man gets when he hears a true story. But the problem has been that every single time you hear these crazy, true stories, they only got like one or two of them. Dude, I got a fucking list of them.

[C]

Oh, thank.

[H]

Oh. And I got fucking true. Every single one of them.

[C]

Thank God that was a list. Pull that out. I was like, oh, fuck, he's Puerto Rican as well.

[H]

The security guard back there, he had to pat me down. He's like, the security guard had to pat me down. He's like, you got any knock? I was like, dude, I ain't even

[A]

allow sharp objects, so let's cover some of this scroll, man. You want me to read it? Dude, let's do it. How many you want to hear this scroll?

[H]

Thank you. All right, now bear with me.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Hear me.

[E]

Hear me. Todd speaks. Everyone quiet down now.

[H]

Y' all, seriously, bear with me. Dude, it's literally my handwriting. I did fail the. You know how you fail the retarded class.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. What? Go ahead.

[H]

Are you. You're there until you're 21 and they kick you the out.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

All right, all right.

[H]

So number one, my baby mama took off with a. Again, all this shit's true. Number two, I ran away with a girl from the nut house. Number three, I married a girl out of spite to piss off my father. Now, funny thing about this. Somebody told me I spelled spite wrong and spelled spit S, P, I, T. So.

[A]

Oh.

[H]

Well, number three, I married. Oh, no, I already did that one. Fuck. All right, number four, I was kicked out of a woman's house for beating my meat for four days straight.

[A]

Hold on a second. Let's back it up a second. When you say that you married a girl out of spite in order to piss your dad off. You ready for this? Yeah.

[H]

All right, so I hate my father, dude. Me and him always go at it. He fell out of a tree last year, and I was like, fuck it.

[C]

But

[H]

so I was, all right, so

[E]

make this your set. This is hilarious, man.

[H]

Dude, I gotta stop all these. All right, so I was writing. I was. You know how a steam mirror and when you steam in the bathroom and you can write shit on the mirror and shit. I was drawing pentagrams and shit, you know, just so they would pop out and go, I don't know, the devil. And, like. And so I was like, I want to. I love seeing people's reaction and mainly with people. And so he did what I like to call church hopping. And he went. Found this Christian girl to come talk to me about our Lord Jesus Savior. And so that night, I took her to the park and I fucked her. And, like, literally everything was going good for about three months. And then one night, she looks at me and goes, I'm gonna go to a store and get some milk. And I was like, cool. Well, two weeks later, we found her in a psychiatric ward. The next day, over, sweated up and down. This is a lot right here. I had to Google most of this. Apparently. The apparently. And she was swearing up and down that Apache helicopters were landing in my father's backyard. Talking to her about the Masons, who apparently were after her because she knew that they killed her mother. And some organization called the Redcoat was at our wedding when we didn't even have a fucking wedding. We eloped. We didn't even have rings. Tony, do you know what the fuck they give you when you ain't got rings?

[A]

No.

[H]

Pipe cleaners. Mine was blue.

[A]

Okay. All right, what's next on your list?

[H]

All right, where was we? That was only number four, dude. Damn, you didn't make it far. We got 50 on here. All right. I fell asleep in one school and woke up in another school. I walked over 100 miles just to get away from my family. The best way I can describe myself, dude, is like.

[A]

Like the actual forest gum.

[H]

Like, for real.

[E]

That's funny.

[H]

I stole my mom's car when I was 12. I actually did that a few times. You ever been in a situation where you did some shit as a kid and then you grow up wishing that maybe they would have caught you just so you can brag about it and then you have to tell them? I do all the time.

[A]

Let's go to number six.

[H]

Glad you had a normal fucking life.

[E]

I was running a pedo ring. I just felt like running. Jenny was six at the top. She liked crack cocaine, too. Crack cocaine? Regular cocaine.

[H]

That exact line, bro. I told somebody exact line. And djj, her father, didn't think it was very funny though. Huh.

[A]

Keep going. What's next? Like the old Letterman top 10.

[H]

This one just number eight. This one just happened last year. I was shot several times with a pepper ball gun infused with tear gas. That was by my aunt.

[I]

Fuck you, Tina.

[A]

Anyway, keep going, number nine.

[H]

All right, all right.

[C]

Fuck you, Tina.

[H]

Ooh. Last year, my father stole $30,000 for me. Fuck you again for that.

[A]

How did you have $30,000? How did you make $30,000?

[H]

All right, so again. All right, so I've been intutionalized since I was five years old, all right? In and out for a long time for six plus years, until I was 18 and could say I'm no longer going back. Literally, just so these motherfuckers can go, okay, he's not in the picture. We got a family, perfect thing, and when he gets out, we get paid. So that's been pretty much my entire life. What was the question?

[E]

Fuck you, Tina.

[I]

Yeah, fuck you, Tina.

[A]

How did you get $30,000?

[H]

You serious?

[G]

All right.

[H]

No. So I took and I decided that I was gonna try and pursue comedy through welding, right? And of course, it took a lot, as you do.

[A]

A lot of people go to la. A lot of people in New York, a lot of people just start welding.

[H]

Well, I'm a single father, so I had to figure out how to do this and do that at the same time. And so I was going to do travel welding and get paid for it.

[C]

Travel welding?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Interesting.

[H]

And so anyway, for like four or five years, I wasn't accepting my disability because I thought that if you made too much money, then you're off disability. Apparently that's not the case and they owed me money and me and my father, we got the same first, middle and last name. And so he was like, oh, I'll take advantage of this situation. And so I ended up in a car. How you doing? You've been staring at me pretty hard. Oh, no, I'm not gonna hurt anyone. I swear.

[A]

I'm not a psychotic episode you're having just watching you. You're on stage right now. Everyone's looking at you when you weld. Yeah. What's next on the list? All right, but

[H]

I've been a single father for 11 years. I've been on more medication than any child should ever have to take.

[A]

Oh, you're gonna like, stop you for a second. Let's talk about this 11 year old.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Where are they right now?

[H]

Right now he's in a car with a friend of mine.

[E]

A red car under the bridge.

[H]

Don't worry, the windows are up. He's not gonna drown.

[A]

Hold on. Raining right now. Hold on, hold on. What?

[H]

Yeah. All right, so we live in my car. Me, my camera guy and my son.

[C]

My camera.

[A]

Wait, what? You have a camera guy? Yeah.

[E]

What?

[C]

This is awesome.

[A]

Wait, what?

[C]

Yeah, we're all gonna.

[A]

What, you pay a camera guy?

[H]

No, he was like getting kicked out of his place and I was like, look, dude, I've been coming back and forth here for four years trying to figure out best ways to live out of my car because I lost everything to covet, dude. I lost my job, my house, my truck. And so I said, fuck it. If I'm gonna struggle, then I'm gonna choose my struggle. But dammit, I'm gonna do comedy and I'm gonna be the best father I can be. So fuck anybody who says you can't

[A]

see your 11 year old is with a camera guy right now?

[H]

Yeah, dude, Anybody who meets anybody who meets this kid loves him. He's smart, he's not shy, he's fucking outgoing. Literally, he knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of the pie. I put a lot of time and effort into him. I'VE known I wanted to do comedy for a long time because if not for all these crazy ass stories, why not comedy?

[A]

Do you have a squirrel? Does he go to school, the 11 year old, or is he home?

[H]

He goes to school right up the road, dude.

[A]

Here in Austin? Yeah, it's in the back seat. But I thought you lived in South Carolina.

[H]

I did.

[A]

How long have you been here?

[H]

About three and a half. Three and a half months.

[C]

About that long.

[H]

No, some of this shit's new. Some of this is that long.

[C]

Right there. That's how long he's been here.

[H]

Read away that.

[A]

Look, that looks like. That looks like a hammock. That Tyler.

[H]

Let's see. I forgot what number was on.

[A]

Okay, give us a. Give us an. Give us another one up there.

[E]

All right, the end is just gonna be number 14.

[H]

You're gonna like this.

[A]

You know what? You know what? Screw the list. So I'm gonna go back to some questions that I. So the 11 year olds go. The 11 year old goes to school. Yeah, you, him and your camera guy all sleep in your car every day.

[H]

Which it takes, if you actually think about it. Takes a lot of effort if you do it the right way. Like if you're seriously. If you're seriously trying to make sure that dss, which I've already been tested four times, comes up to your car, you got to have the receipts. You got to make sure your car is clean. You got to make sure he's clean. Dude, I only dress like this.

[A]

Where do you guys shower at?

[H]

All right, so I got a membership with a Y. We also there's organizations that help you out with showers and stuff. Stuff like I said. For three years I came out here scoping out everything to make sure it was possible. I wasn't nominated 2017 Father of the Year award through South Carolina for nothing.

[A]

Is that true?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You were almost the Father of the Year in South Carolina?

[H]

Yes, sir. Through man to Man.

[A]

Who won?

[H]

Huh?

[I]

I don't know. I didn't.

[H]

I didn't show up.

[E]

Me, Tim Walls.

[H]

No, I was nominated.

[C]

I was in Austin checking things out so I couldn't pick up my award. Otherwise I would have been down there, weld like a.

[H]

I don't give a what they said.

[A]

Do you perform other places sometimes to like practice for this or you just focused on getting on Kill Tony?

[H]

I've been taking because when I moved here, I didn't know nothing about comedy. I didn't know anything at all whatsoever. I didn't know a set from a bit Dude, Sure.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

And so I basically told everybody that, look, I'm going to use this as a. As a platform, trying to figure out things I know and things I don't know to even try to ask about. And so that's all I've been doing, is watching your show, taking notes and figuring out, okay, how to make a joke, where should I go and learn shit and shit like that. And that's how I've been starting.

[A]

Well, I mean, what can I say, Leslie? You are something else.

[C]

Here's a book.

[A]

What I'm gonna do for you is I'm going to give you a big joke book.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And for the 11 year old, I'm gonna give him a big joke book, too.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm gonna give you some Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

[H]

I need those.

[A]

And for your camera guy, a small joke book. But that's for the camera guy. Yeah, but we got to keep it moving along. But that's for. That's for the whole. The whole household. The whole. Car.

[O]

Car.

[A]

Hold.

[H]

Can I ask one favor?

[A]

Scroll. What?

[H]

Can I ask one favor?

[A]

Can you ask me for one favor? Hold on, Band. Hold on. He's going to ask me for a favor. And here we go.

[H]

Can I please find. Show me where a camera is. And I just. I. Y' all don't understand how much I hate this team. Tina, like, you're gonna.

[A]

You're about to. You're about to talk to your aunt right now.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Dude, you see that guy with his hand up over there? Look right at him.

[H]

All right, Tina.

[E]

You.

[B]

You son.

[H]

I told you I'd get here. I told you I could do this. I told you I was funny.

[C]

You.

[A]

Wow. Welcome to the first ever episode of Kill. Tina. Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[J]

Wow.

[H]

Oh, did I also mention I. I made D Madness a sweater? I hope he got it.

[A]

Did. Did you get a sweater? Someone give you a sweater lately?

[H]

D Madness. I'm not gay on the back of it.

[A]

Well, he wouldn't know what it says, but I'm sure he did. And if not, he will. Ladies and gentlemen, make noise one more time for Leslie Child, everybody. Wow. Wow. Proof that anybody can sign up for this show. Proof that anything can happen. That is a very interesting case. All right, thank you. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? All right, let's get another buck. Pull up. Make some noise for Matt Goletta, everybody. Matt Goletta. Interviews have been running long tonight. Here's macaletta, everybody.

[L]

Ah, it's nice to be in Texas, where Both abortion and jerking off's illegal.

[G]

Yeah, man.

[J]

Damn.

[L]

It's crazy to be here in Austin, Texas, man. Hey, you know what's really crazy is that when you go to Austin, Texas, porn is banned, right? Pornhub is illegal in Austin, Texas. I don't know if you guys know this, so I have to get ID and have my dick in my hand just to see pornography. I'm like Edward Snowden. When I jerk off, I delete most of my Internet history.

[B]

All right?

[L]

It's like Texas pornhub. I have my dick in my hand and my id. What was this? Am I fucking on Epstein's Island? I got a show id. I got my dick in my hand. What am I in a fucking. Am I in a children's playpen?

[A]

I got my dick in my hand. I got a show id.

[L]

What is this, P. Diddy's Mansion? Before the cop trade. God, Texas. I'm not a criminal for jerking off. God damn.

[O]

That's a.

[A]

What the fuck? Matt Galetta.

[J]

Whoa.

[A]

Our first boo of the night. Matt, what's going on? Matt, how are you, buddy? It's okay. Over here, Matt. Focus on me, Matt. Being mean to me. Oh, my God. Over here, Matt. Don't rile them up. Matt, I'm trying to help you. Focus on me.

[E]

What's up, bud?

[A]

How you doing?

[I]

I'm doing great.

[A]

Okay. How long have you been attempting stand up comedy for? How long have you been a full grown sea monkey?

[L]

I have been a sea monkey for

[B]

a while

[L]

and I haven't grown any taller. I've been doing comedy on and off for about five years.

[A]

Really? Where? Where have you been doing it on and where have you been doing it off? There was a guy before you that has every mental illness in the world and a scroll, and he buried you with a shovel. He sleeps in a three bedroom car. You have no excuse right now.

[L]

Okay.

[A]

Wow. Being almost father of the year.

[L]

Did he come with the scroll of felonies when he came up here, too?

[A]

No. Nothing you say is working, Matt. Theo bombed. My goodness gracious, look at you.

[L]

Well, it's great to be here, guys. Bombing in front of you.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[L]

No, really, I'm happy to be here either way.

[A]

Okay. All right. Matt, where have you been doing this comedy at?

[L]

I started doing comedy in New Jersey.

[A]

Okay, you were in Jersey. All right. And then what happened?

[L]

I basically been doing comedy since I was about 20 years old and I was doing it. I live right near the Jersey shore, so Rutgers has the stress factory. Vinnie Brand. So I was doing Comedy there for.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

And they. They like you out there, I guess. Yeah, they do.

[L]

No, they don't like me. No, they like me fine, man. I was just doing it. I saw. I always loved comedy. I wanted to do it. I actually had a month off of not coming to do comedy to come here, and so, you know, I'm happy to just do it again for you guys. And even though if I didn't do well, I fucking love it.

[A]

It, man. Right? You love it no matter what.

[L]

No matter what.

[A]

Okay, great. What do you do for work, Matt?

[L]

I. I'm basically unemployed.

[A]

How do you survive?

[L]

I got hit by a Jewish person and.

[H]

Whoa.

[A]

That has nothing. They're not good at driving.

[L]

They hit me and then I got money.

[A]

What do you mean you got hit?

[L]

They hit me from the back.

[A]

Yeah, with a car.

[L]

With a car. With a car.

[A]

You got rear ended.

[L]

I got rear ended by a Jew.

[E]

Is that why you look like a balding Hitler right now?

[L]

Yeah.

[B]

Side. Short fight.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

Oh, whoa, whoa.

[A]

Christ.

[L]

I'll just put my height. I'm the same height.

[A]

Nine, nine, nine. Okay, don't. Don't feed into it, Tyler. Jesus. Don't start. Speaking German to the Nazi is not good.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

I'm not.

[L]

I'm just going bald.

[A]

I just.

[L]

A coma. You ain't no Nazi things.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[L]

Rock and blocking a comb over.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

By the way, Tony, thank you so much for your roast. That was that what you did with Trump's rally? That was awesome.

[A]

Okay, well. Yeah.

[L]

You guys don't like what he did.

[E]

The Jews hate him. The Jews hate this guy. I really do.

[A]

Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. What's an interesting thing about your life? What's a redeeming quality about. You have everybody hates you right now? What's gonna make everyone like you?

[L]

Oh, Jesus. I gotta tap dance or sing a song like all these other people.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[L]

No, I. I honestly wonder deeming. I don't know if I have a redeeming quality, but I. I used to. You know, I used to. I used to be a musician. I used to play music.

[A]

How did. What kind of music did you play?

[L]

I played basically metal music.

[A]

What did you do in the band?

[L]

I played guitar and then I also do vocals. I'm a vocalist.

[A]

How about we play some metal music and we see your vocals?

[L]

I could request a song.

[E]

We could do what?

[L]

Unless you want me to do a song. Is that what we're doing right now, Right?

[A]

Not all of it.

[L]

I mean, obviously.

[A]

Here's a little joke book There he goes. Macaletta, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Thank you Macaletta, everybody. There he goes. All right, you guys still having fun out there? Let's do one last bucket pool. I pulled. We haven't had a female up yet tonight so I pulled until I got a woman. Here we go. Make some noise for a minute from Stacy Ross, everybody. Stacy Ross.

[D]

What's up, Austin? I love this stick filled room. It's awesome. I love Kill Tony. But more about me. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. This is what we do for fucking comedy.

[K]

I love it.

[D]

Any chuckle fuckers? I mean I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess. But all my ex boyfriends said I taste funny. So that's why I'm here. It's worth something, right? Are you guys really. I understand. I'm from la. I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me, right? I mean you knew what I was going to look like, right? But you pretty much knew like you heard the voice. You're like, I know what she's going to look like. Thank you guys.

[A]

Oh my goodness. Stacy Ross. Can we bring Matt Galetta back up here? Crazy. Stacy. Stacy. Stacy. Oh my goodness.

[D]

I'm still alive. I know. Shocking.

[A]

Stacy. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How's your life going? How you doing? Talking to the microphone, Stacy.

[D]

Yeah, I forgot.

[A]

You're living your dream right now. Your requiem for a dream.

[D]

This is probably the high life of my life right now.

[A]

I'm gonna cry, right? Definitely. Ever since you left the band Motley Crue, this is the new highlight of your life.

[D]

I mean they didn't have room for you. Motley Crue.

[A]

What do you mean?

[D]

Because I had to leave them cuz you're. I had to leave the band. Never mind.

[A]

Okie dokie. Like I'm so.

[D]

Didn't you say I left Motley Crue.

[A]

Okay. All right. W. I'll her.

[D]

That's the best offer I've had all day. Thank you.

[E]

I'm a. I'm a fugitive from Delta Airlines.

[A]

Yeah. Stacy, how long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[D]

Almost five years.

[A]

Five years. Off and on or on? On. Okay.

[E]

On myth.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

On meth.

[A]

All right. What's the coolest gig you've ever done?

[D]

This room right here, right now.

[A]

Okay. That's cool. Good answer.

[D]

This town is fucking awesome.

[A]

You live here?

[D]

No, I'm here for a week.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

So I'm leaving at 4 in the morning.

[A]

You're leaving at 4 in the morning.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I was here doing shit all week.

[E]

I'll drive you to the airport. Don't worry.

[A]

He's gonna have to drop you off at the frontier gate though. You're gonna have to walk a little bit.

[D]

Why do you gotta do that to me?

[A]

Oh my goodness. Stacy.

[D]

Yeah. You've missed me.

[A]

I know me.

[D]

Yeah, you.

[A]

You were on this show before in la.

[D]

Like six times.

[A]

That's right. I kind of remember that. You had a different name then. Correct.

[D]

Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball.

[A]

That's right. I kind of remember that.

[D]

It's a story. It's a good one.

[A]

What is the story?

[E]

Well, I'm gonna find out later.

[D]

Blue balls.

[A]

This is a real.

[E]

It's not good for me at all.

[D]

You have to sharpen your skills. I was playing a lot of poker and I wanted to have my game all about poker. So I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game and then

[A]

I'm have you hander this. I'm out of Little Jokebook Stacy. And we're running out of time. We're going to keep the show moving.

[E]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Make some noise for Stacy, everyone.

[C]

Good luck.

[A]

This thing took a look over that.

[G]

Your call.

[C]

Cut off in the microphone. Take the microphone out. We don't need you going down even further.

[A]

Thank you. Yes. Don't want to be. It's Pleasure. Pleasure. There she goes. Si, everybody. Pleasure. No, Tyler, no, don't. Tyler, no. Come back. No. Everybody's wet. Soaking wet. It is, from what we understand, it is down pouring outside. Which clearly makes the mentally ill a little more mentally ill. Hey, we still having fun? I got good news, ladies and gentlemen. We are done with the bucket pools. There's only one person that can close an episode like this. And it is indeed the record holder for all time appearances, all time interviews. I mean, what can I say about him? He is the vanilla gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The big Red machine. This is William Montgomery.

[O]

That lady literally just touched my dick when she walked past me on the way here. My girlfriend and I pulled up to an intersection and there was a homeless guy wearing a Nirvana shirt. And my girlfriend rolls down the window and says, name four songs, dumbass. My agent called me the other day and said he thinks there might be a World War 3. And I said, great. Could there be a part in it for me? But then I started thinking about it.

[E]

I think.

[O]

I think the last thing we need is another Hollywood reboot. What's harder? Finding Where's Waldo or Going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper. It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing on stage, but they're not. Okay, that's my time.

[A]

Fuck yeah, William. Lights out, Montgomery. Hell, yes. Welcome, William.

[O]

So nice to be here, Tony.

[A]

I love it.

[O]

God, my throat is really hurting right now. I'm a little worried. I don't know. Please. Somebody needs to. Please. Maybe one of y' all knows, but I wonder. I've been drinking so much honey recently. I've been drinking so much throat. Coat tea with honey, I literally. I will drink a full bottle in two nights. I just wonder if you can have too much sugar and honey.

[H]

Yes.

[E]

Can you?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

What happens if you have too much honey?

[C]

You die.

[A]

Why don't you look it up? Look up a maximum amount of honey. Diabetes. The answer. You've had a sore throat for absolutely months now.

[O]

It's horrible. Tony. I'm not even kidding. I think I've done something weird and. Hold on. Who is that guy? Guy that is on the guitar, he's been weirding me out. Red Band. Do you know that guy at all?

[A]

I actually have no idea. That is indeed Sean Greenberg joining us tonight. He absolutely rocked it out earlier during the pre show. I was up there watching. He's a freak of nature. Cool. Yeah.

[O]

Nice to meet you, Sean. I mean, I just had never seen him before. I'd never noticed him before.

[A]

Yeah, yeah,

[G]

yeah.

[A]

What do you think about it? Good.

[E]

Hold on.

[O]

Can you do something else? That was cool.

[A]

Something else. Cool. Yeah. What else you got, Sean? Let's flex over here a little bit. Sean Greenberg while. While he plays guitar. You know what, Sean? Hold on a second. Let's do something fun while you wail on the guitar. I'm going to name some of the side effects of having too much honey. And here we go. Wheezing and asthmatic symptoms. Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, weakness, excessive perspiration, fainting, regular heart rhythms, AKA arrhythmia, Cardiovascular disease. Stinging after topical application. Keep playing cool things, Sean. Like change it up a little bit. There you go. Stinging after topical application. It is to be used as a natural sweet cough suppressant and topical product for minor sores and wounds. Giving honey to a baby under the age of one year can cause a rare but serious gastrointestinal position called infant botulism. Caused by exposure to Clostridum botulism spores. Bacteria from the spores can grow and multiply in a baby's intestines, producing a dangerous Toxin. Killed two birds with one stone there. You got to hear Shawn Greenberg and the side effects of having too much honey after studying all of this.

[O]

Sean, can you play behind your back? Because that all sounds.

[A]

Can you really play behind your back?

[O]

Can you play it behind your back?

[A]

No, he doesn't do that. He likes to keep it all in front of him. So do you heard the side effects of having too much honey? Does any of that apply to you?

[O]

It's. Tony, you're gonna. You're gonna hate me right now.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[O]

You have guess what I've been doing.

[A]

Yep. What do you. What have you been doing?

[O]

Oh, boy, you're gonna.

[A]

Okay, seriously, just do it.

[O]

You're gonna hate to hear what I'm about to tell you. I'm not kidding. I've. There's a new. Okay. There's a new Call of Duty, and it's. It's a video game. And I have almost all of my submachine guns. Gold Camouflage. Right now. We've had.

[A]

It was a 2.

[O]

It was a 2 XP weekend. I have been playing it so much, Tony. So I came up here a little.

[A]

How does your throat hurt if you spend multiple days a week not working? Because you. Basically, I've noticed you've started taking Tuesday, Wednesdays and Thursdays off.

[O]

I do. Or I start feeling insane.

[A]

Right.

[O]

I start feeling crazy. I have to have some sort of downtime. I have to have some sort of downtime.

[A]

Okay, cool.

[O]

I start feeling nuts.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

Like really crazy. We started feeling really crazy recently. If I start feeling like I'm working a little too hard, I start feeling insane.

[A]

You call what you do?

[F]

Yeah.

[O]

Getting that. Six submachine guns. I got Gold Camouflage.

[A]

Yes.

[O]

I was working. That literally was 24 hours.

[A]

How long. I don't play games like that. How long does it take to beat a game like Call of Duty does? Is there in it.

[O]

You don't beat it if you keep on playing. Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[O]

But I've been doing that. Yeah. I gotta relax. I've been feeling crazy. I gotta take a little break. I mean, you don't want to hear that. I gotta take. Take some sort of a little break. Just generally, I hear you.

[A]

Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and sometimes Friday, Saturday. Do you think maybe you're doing too many cameos? Is that what might be driving you crazy, by the way? It would drive any of us crazy. What? We did as many cameos as you.

[O]

Well, I mean, we're getting into the Christmas season. I mean, things are really ramping up, Tony. I mean, this is the most hectic time of the year for my ass. I mean, it's Thanksgiving.

[E]

Thanksgiving.

[O]

What else you got? I mean, it's a lot of. It's not really a lot of Thanksgiving.

[A]

You get a lot of Kwanza requests? No, no, I've never. No. How about Hanukkah?

[O]

I refuse them every now and again. No, there's just. Seriously, every now and again, I'm like, hold on. This person's trying to trick me right now. And they've all happened to be for those ones.

[A]

Okay, so other than Call of Duty, what else have you been doing, William? That's about it.

[E]

We saw each other at the airport.

[O]

I know. We saw each.

[H]

Yeah.

[E]

That was the day I got banned.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Yes. Right? That was the flight that I tweeted the pin.

[A]

See you.

[G]

Huh?

[E]

I got banned from Delta Airlines.

[A]

So you saw him.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

And then you got on your Delta flight.

[E]

We saw each other about 50 times because we had to go through the TSA precheck, so we had to make conversation. Imagine that. About 50 times.

[H]

We did it.

[E]

We did pretty well.

[O]

I know.

[E]

And then I got banned from Delta Airlines about 10 minutes later.

[A]

So.

[E]

It's like a Delta episode. We're just bringing it full.

[A]

Sir, let me ask you this. When you got on that Delta. A flight, you saw the flight attendant walk by you, right? And did you take the picture?

[E]

I fingered her first.

[H]

I didn't. I left.

[A]

Okay. No, I'm just getting.

[E]

No, no, no.

[I]

I didn't.

[A]

Absolutely insane thing to say.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't do that. So the flight attendant this week, it's a. Was it a woman?

[E]

It. Who's to say you get in trouble for even really vote? Make sure you vote.

[A]

End.

[E]

The end.

[A]

So you took a picture. Was it like, the first time you saw. Were you like, oh, like that? Or would you. Wait a second?

[E]

I'm tired of treating adults like kids with the rainbow. It's enough.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

All right. Well, I was doing so good until now.

[A]

No, it's good. It's great. I'm just curious.

[E]

Yeah, I took a photo and I posted it, and I actually deleted the photo because somebody's. Her face was in it, and her daughter reached out and said, I agree with you. I hate the woke. And her friend reached out, because, I hate the woke, but can you take it down? Because her face is in it. I took it down.

[N]

Still got.

[A]

Man. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

[C]

Impressive traction on Twitter.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, go ahead and retweet that.

[A]

Yeah, that's tie the fish. It's great.

[E]

Gonna be right there.

[A]

F I S C H. Wait, so

[O]

what do you mean you got kicked off of an airplane? Is that what all.

[E]

No, no, I got fancy. I took a photo and tweeted it later on and banned for life.

[O]

Gotta be careful.

[E]

Yeah, I know.

[O]

It happens to people.

[A]

William's always very well behaved on airplanes. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen on an airplane, William? You have any.

[O]

Honestly, Tony, there was a time we were. It's been so scary recently because. Yes, you're. You're technically correct, Tony. On Sundays I'm not doing anything, but I generally sleep an hour to three. So I have to nap. I have to nap or I'm not doing good. And it was so scary. I started on these early flights, I started having these nightmares that I find myself in the actual airplane and the airplane starts crashing and. Tony, there was one. One day where it was when I was opening up for your ass and you were sitting in front of me. And it's like I wake up and I'm on the plane and I see you looking out of the window and like rain starts coming in because there's some issue with the plane and.

[E]

Sounds like a Delta flight,

[J]

but that

[O]

was a scary one. So now I can't go to.

[A]

Right. All right, so all the yelling, it's like over because your throat's always sore. Have you gone to a doctor for this?

[O]

No, I don't have health insurance.

[A]

What do you mean you don't have health insurance?

[O]

I don't have health insurance.

[A]

William, your rich. Rich?

[O]

I'm 37.

[A]

Why do you pretend like

[O]

and I'm rich? I mean, I think that could mean all kinds of things. Yes. I mean, I'm currently. Thank the Lord above, I don't have any debt or anything, but I don't know. I mean, I think it's very much so all relative about somebody's spending hat. I think there's all kinds of stuff that goes into that.

[J]

I don't know.

[O]

Yeah, things. Thank the Lord have been all right. I mean, again, get a Christmas cameo from me. I mean, they're wonderful. Get one of those. But

[A]

it's a great ad.

[O]

It's just been a hard. And now it's raining outside and I gotta go play some more Call of Duty. I don't even want to play it anymore, Tony. But I'm gonna be playing it all night long today, all night long tonight. And it's gonna be raining outside. Not roll up some little joints and sit by the television and start talking and start some of the little people on the Love it.

[A]

Wow. Well, William, what can I say? Is there anything that you're passionate about this week? Anything else other than Call of Duty?

[O]

Getting my SMG gold.

[I]

Kim.

[A]

APPLAUSE Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Did that hurt when you just did that?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, okay. In that case, we'll put a ribbon on it. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Ian Bagg is on tour. Go to Ian bag bag.com with two GS I A N B A G G.com Tyler Fisher's on tour. Ian, thank you so much. How about a hand for Ian Bag?

[C]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

How about a hand for Tyler Fisher? F I s c h.com for tour dates. He's on tour. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. It's amazing. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. What do we got? Oh, Trump and Biden. Look out. Classic characters from the show. Thank you to Squarespace, Blue Chew Prize Picks, Game Time, Talk Space, Zipix, Toothpicks, and to you guys, the audience. Thank you guys so much. Red Band.

[B]

Love you guys.

[A]

We love you guys. Thank you so much. God bless America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. It's Sa. Sam.

[D]

Sa.