#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN

Summary

Kill Tony #693 – JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN

Date: November 26, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-Host: Brian Redban
Special Guests: Jeff Dye, Rick Glassman
Notable Appearances: Adrian Iapolucci, David Lucas, William Montgomery

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Episode Overview

This raucous, rapid-fire episode captures Kill Tony’s quintessential blend of stand-up, roast, and improv chaos. With comedians Jeff Dye and Rick Glassman on the guest panel, the stage brims with inside jokes, irreverent heckling, and unpredictable moments. Throughout, Tony, Redban, and the guests critique, riff, and roast a mix of aspiring and veteran comedians drawn from the crowd.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Panel & Introduction (03:18–05:09)

• The Guest Panel: Tony introduces longtime friends Jeff Dye and Rick Glassman, setting the tone:

  • “These are two guys that I've worked with for literally 17 God damn years at the Comedy Store, all around LA and all around the country.” (Tony, 04:48)

• Pacing: The episode promises high energy and “silliness” right from the get-go as Tony pokes at Rick:

  • “I’m prepping them for you. Yeah, thanks. It really takes the air out of it when you say that.” (Rick, 03:39)

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2. Comedians From the Bucket

Ari Matti – "The Estonian Assassin" (05:53–11:22)

• Set Highlights:

  • Jokes about OnlyFans, immigration, and being “the Vince McMahon of pussy.”
  • Big pops for riffs on American snack foods: “I see why you guys are fat. What a cute name for a heinous result.” (Ari, on Twinkies, 10:03)

• Panel Banter:

  • Jokes about immigration: “Keep the rest out as soon as I get in here. Close up the border. Donald, we’re fucking full.” (Ari, 08:35)
  • OnlyFans economics, and cultural differences.
  • Tagline moment:
    • “Upload that pussy.” (Ari, 11:15 – crowd runs with it, becomes a recurring callback)

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Carlos Lopez (12:03–18:10)

• Set Highlights:

  • Plumbing jokes with a trans worker: “...they them said, buddy, don’t get me started. You think your plumbing’s fucked up? My dick’s in a jar.” (Carlos, 12:03)

• Interview/Banter:

  • Belt buckle talk, life of a truck-driving horse hauler.
  • Panel fixates on his "big dick energy."
  • Comic gobbled up the Southern dude trope: “Just been out here hauling horses and causing divorces.” (Carlos, 16:19)
  • Praise: “You have a natural swagger to your delivery, you’re a real fucking gentleman and a class act.” (Tony, 18:05)

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Maverick McWilliams (18:32–26:17)

• Set Highlights:

  • Friendship bits, acting tough but “gayest” thing being putting on Chapstick at a mechanic shop.
  • Kid acting experience: “I was in the Spy Next Door with Jackie Chan.” (Maverick, 20:27)
  • Transition from child actor to military, welding, leather craftsman, and soon-to-be firefighter.

• Panel Banter:

  • Awkward sexual confessions:
    • “It’s. I’m actually. I’m not good at sex, actually, that’s what we probably should have said right off the bat.” (Maverick, 26:03)
  • Panel riffs on his “try your hardest” (sexually), lingers on his resume, and relationship details.

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3. Headlining Sets & Roasts

Adrian Iapolucci (27:26–30:46)

• Drop-In Set:
  • Dark, sharp material on breast cancer, Middle East, and dating Hispanics.
  • “I have no idea what’s going on in the Middle East, which is why I feel like I’m the best person to talk about it...” (Adrian, 27:31)
  • “I date almost exclusively Hispanic guys. If you look throughout my dating history, it looks like I’m trying to start my own baseball league.” (Adrian, 30:28)

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Rock Turner (31:14–39:51)

• Set: Autism and ADHD, music, family estrangement, “flexible joints” (Ehlers-Danlos).
• Interview:
  • “You are as funny as a rock.” (Tony, 33:30)
  • Panel gets hands-on with his hypermobility.
  • Rock jams on guitar; band and panel roast his licks: “We’re about to find out exactly how fucking autistic this guy really is...” (Tony, 37:31)
  • Panel: “Is it against the law to ask that he says what his thing is so I could look at his videos?” (Rick, 39:21)
  • Ends with self-effacing humor, playful ribbing.

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4. Returning Regulars Spotlight

Cam Patterson (40:18–49:42)

• Set: Toxic exes, Akron, LeBron James.
• Panel Sports Debate:
  • Extended riff on who’s better at basketball (Rick vs. Cam, playful bravado, betting).
  • “If it means that I have to say that you’re a better basketball player than me, I won’t only say you’re a better basketball player than me. I’ll say you’re a better comedian than me. I think you’re a better person all around.” (Rick, 49:19)

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Aya – New Golden Ticket Winner (66:34–77:31)

• Standup:
  • Self-deprecating, quirky jokes on masturbation, hand jobs, and romantic fantasies.
  • “Not good at hand jobs just ‘cause all my protein shakes are clumpy...” (Aya, 67:02)
  • “At least you know they love each other in incest porn...” (Aya, 67:19)
• Background:
  • Moroccan, 22, works on Kill Tony staff, two years in stand-up.
  • Candid about super Muslim parents, balancing tradition and art.
• Panel Praises:
  • “I just don’t see how you’re not going to end up being one of the biggest female standup comedians of all time.” (Tony, 76:33)
• Awarded Golden Ticket:
  • Full endorsement from Tony and the show for future regular appearances.

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David Lucas (78:30–87:26) – Hall-of-Famer Returns

• Set: Riffs on Diddy, baby oil, and black culture.
• Classic Roastmaster:
  • Targeted shots at Tony, Rick, and Jeff:
    • “You got the sweater on of a nigga that got three cats.” (David, at Rick, 81:06)
    • “Jeff Dye, motherfucking ass boy ... You look like a white mother from a divorce that’s doing well for herself now.” (David, 84:21)
• Panel Cookout:
  • Rick’s well-known quirks are fodder for more burns: “You look like you got a peanut allergy.” (David, 86:21)
• Insider Banter:
  • “It doesn't feel good, does it Tony?” (Rick, after Tony gets roasted, 83:33)

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5. Other Memorable Moments

Ben Kashaba (50:21–58:29)

• “I didn’t speak until I was almost three years old. My first words were at church, ‘I want to be a priest.’ And then I hit puberty and it all changed.” (Ben, 53:47)
• Spiral about being an MMA fighter, inbred jokes, and panel hug-out with Rick’s faux-paternal bit: “It’s not your fault.” (Rick, 56:41)

Eric Lopez (58:52–66:13)

• Iraq war vet, mail carrier, F18 technician ("lab rat"), pride in BBQ, and Mexican heritage.
• Panel cracks: “You're a mail carrier … what’s it like out there? Running away from dogs and whatnot?” (Tony, 62:29)

Mio Love (88:00–95:12)

• Laugh-out-loud set on post-divorce body changes, waxing trauma, autism spectrum parenting.
• "Now I’m looking like a yin yang ... one bushy bush and one smooth like a dolphin, baby." (Mio, 89:11)

David Joseph Peter Sullivan (95:42–108:52)

• Ginger jokes, failed dating, absentee dad tale: “It is amazing to see one of the whitest comedians on the show be so … such a black father.” (Tony, 105:04)
• Extended, awkward, yet hilarious exchanges about deadbeat parenting and estranged children.

William Montgomery (109:42–117:21)

• Surreal, non-sequitur set: matching a "redheaded ass" on a dating site, ghost stories, weird Alexa messages, confusion over American Indian ghosts and shirts being lifted.
• Rick’s punchy “spirit channel” bit:
  • “I have a feeling it was the girlfriend who was sitting next to you who lifted your shirt.” (Rick, 114:32)

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6. Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Ari Matti on OnlyFans:

  • “Every pussy in this household is going online. Stand still, baby girl, we need a new kitchen. I’m like the Vince McMahon of pussy. This is a family business.” (06:39)

• Upload That Pussy:

  • “I got three words for this room, and that is upload. Bad pussy.” (Ari, 11:15 – recurring callback through show)

• Carlos Lopez:

  • “Just been out here hauling horses and causing divorces.” (16:19)

• Adrian Iapolucci on the Middle East:

  • “Has anyone, like, even tried to give Palestine casinos?” (Adrian, 28:32)

• Maverick McWilliams:

  • “It’s. I’m not good at sex, actually, that’s what we probably should have said right off the bat.” (26:03)

• Rock Turner:

  • “They beat me into flexibility, maybe.” (35:56)

• Panel Banter (Rick Glassman):

  • “Maybe Rick does know about flexible joints. Upload that pushing.” (Rick, 35:12)

• David Lucas Roasting Rick Glassman:

  • “Rick Glassman. You got the sweater on of a nigga that got three cats... you look like one of them kids at the elementary school whose mom is a teacher.” (81:06)

• Aya’s Standup:

  • “All I've learned is that I like incest porn because, like, at least you know they love each other, right? I don't know. I guess I'm just a romantic.” (Aya, 67:19)

• William Montgomery’s Ghost Story:

  • “I don’t know what it is. I’m trying to figure it out, Tony, but I swear to God, it seems like it’s somebody from the other side trying to communicate something to me.” (William, 112:26)

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Noteworthy Running Jokes & Dynamics

• “Upload that pussy”: Ari Matti’s phrase becomes a show-wide catchphrase and running gag.
• Panel Roasts: Recurrent, good-natured roasting especially between David Lucas, Rick Glassman, and Tony, setting off chains of improv and friendly flame wars.
• Parenting/Absent Dads: Surprisingly vulnerable and darkly funny reveals from several guests, especially Ben Kashaba and David J.P. Sullivan, meta-commented by the panel.
• Superiority Contest: Cam vs. Rick about basketball, playful one-upmanship, others join in with tall tales of prowess.
• Accents and Ethnic Jokes: From Assyrian identity rants to Moroccan sex laws, the episode doesn’t shy from edgy cultural humor, always with the panel ready with a retort.

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Episode Summary

This marathon episode of Kill Tony is packed with roasts, wild crowd energy, heartfelt moments, and brash jokes covering everything from OnlyFans and immigration politics to autistic spectrum revelations and messy parenting confessions. Highlights include the return of David Lucas’ roastmaster fire, comic drop-ins from Adrian Iapolucci and William Montgomery, and Aya’s star-turn—earning her the golden ticket for a promising comedy career.

Timestamps Reference Guide

• [03:18] Panel/guests introduced & format explainer
• [05:53] Ari Matti: “The Estonian Assassin” set & OnlyFans riff
• [12:03] Carlos Lopez: trans worker, belt buckles, big dick energy
• [18:32] Maverick McWilliams: failed child actor, military life, welder
• [27:26] Adrian Iapolucci: Netflix special preview
• [31:14] Rock Turner: autistic, ADHD, flexible joints
• [40:18] Cam Patterson: toxic ex, roasted by panel
• [66:34] Aya: fresh voice, awarded golden ticket
• [78:30] David Lucas: masterclass in roasting
• [88:00] Mio Love: waxing, motherhood, autism advocacy
• [95:42] David Joseph Peter Sullivan: dating, deadbeat dad saga
• [109:42] William Montgomery: ghosts, Native American omens

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In Closing:
Kill Tony #693 stands out for its unfiltered energy, diverse comic talent, and trademark panel interplay. With everything from raw confessions to elite roasting, it’s an encyclopedic episode that will satisfy new fans and long-time Kill Tony regulars alike.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're

[B]

listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on

[A]

Spotify and Apple podcasts.

[B]

If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.Com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad

[A]

merch, go to Death Squad tv.

[B]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Edge.

[C]

Cliff.

[A]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Ha. Groove line, horns. Raul Vallejo. Fucking Carlos Sosa and Fernando Castillo on the horns tonight. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar. Live in the flesh, the one and the only. This is indeed still the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony.

[E]

Brought to you by Squarespace, Bluechew, Prize

[A]

Picks, Game Time, Talk Space and Zipix.

[E]

Who would have guessed? More sponsors than ever.

[A]

Very fun episode planned for you.

[E]

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[D]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over.

[E]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[D]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[E]

Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

[A]

This is gonna be a fun one. These are two guys that I've worked

[E]

with for literally 17 God damn years at the Comedy Store, all around LA and all around the country. Make some noise for two of my

[A]

favorite comedians, Rick Glassman and Jeff Dye. Yeah, Bab Glassman. Jeff Dye. We're going to have some fun tonight. Very, very excited about this.

[E]

The boys are back in town. Hello, welcome. Good evening.

[A]

Hi.

[E]

Rick Glassman a little.

[A]

He's very silly.

[E]

Folks, get ready for the silliness of Rick Glassman. He's a wild little boy. Very goofy. I'm prepping them for you. Yeah, thanks.

[A]

It really, really takes the air out of it when you say that.

[B]

It's like my girlfriend's parents in high school. He's a nice guy.

[A]

How about a hand for Jeff Dye, ladies and gentlemen? He's here.

[F]

Thank you. Thanks for having me, brother.

[A]

We're gonna have fun.

[E]

You guys have both been on this show before. You know how it works. Over 226, six comedians signed up tonight in this bucket. They are lined up at a bar across the street. If I pull one of their names

[A]

out, how about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Isn't it great, the sausage fest that we have here? It's nice to have some fucking meat

[E]

sauce in the mix. I don't know if that makes any sense.

[A]

Meat sauce and sausage doesn't really mix well together.

[E]

Some peppers, some spicy peppers up here with all the sausage.

[A]

Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, we wrangled them from

[E]

across the street and they get 60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and the first name is pulled. I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. Anything can happen. Stars are born on the show. Giant embarrassments happen on this show. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode?

[F]

Let's go.

[A]

Well, let the fun begin.

[E]

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been a big, crazy week. There has been a lot that has happened.

[A]

The special week, a presidential election, a lot of fun stuff happening.

[E]

And there's a lot of talk about immigration and our borders and becoming a

[A]

citizen here in the United States of America. But I can damn well guarantee that

[E]

after this long week that we've had,

[A]

that this first comedian doing a minute for you tonight will indeed become a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's show, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian Assassin.

[B]

This is Ari Matti.

[E]

Hello.

[G]

Any ladies here on Onlyfans? If you're not on Onlyfans, you are stupid. It's free money. Upload that pussy. Sometimes I see a homeless lady on 6th Street, I'm like, lady, you don't

[E]

need to be here.

[G]

You're sitting on oil.

[A]

Lady,

[G]

upload that pussy. I have a friend, he's dating one of those Onlyfans girls. And when they started dating, he made her quit Onlyfans. And he's one of those crypto, eh, the future. Now they're in a one bedroom apartment with two cats. What an idiot. Dude, if I ever get a wife, a wife, kids, I don't give a fuck. Every pussy in this household is going online. Stand still, baby girl. We need a new kitchen. I'm like the Vince McMahon of pussy. This is a family business. Thank you very much, Ari.

[A]

Maddie showing us how it's done.

[E]

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Ari.

[G]

What's up, my friend? Happy you're alive.

[A]

Me too. Me too.

[E]

Fun week, huh? How's it affected you? How do you feel about it?

[G]

Well, I'm a bit nervous about these immigration comments. Hey, Mr. Donald.

[A]

I'm white.

[G]

Please, mister. Remember, I'm coming from the other side of the border.

[E]

You have a good face for immigration. It is true. Are you genuinely concerned or you feel good about things?

[G]

Well, yeah. I mean, they're all saying, get him out and there's a new guy and, you know, like.

[E]

I mean, you're kind of like. You didn't, like, come across a border or anything, right? You just flew in?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Passports were checked.

[A]

Yeah, well, when you hit that note, I don't know if it's believable.

[E]

That's fun. Do you have any friends that are concerned? Are there a lot of Estonian?

[G]

No, I'm the only one here, so.

[E]

Okay, perfect.

[G]

And keep the rest out as soon as I get in here. Close up the border. Donald, we're fucking full

[A]

off.

[H]

We're full.

[E]

Talked a lot about Only Fans during your set. Do you subscribe to anybody's Only Fans?

[G]

I actually. I do. And some pussy is so cheap there, it's crazy. It's like $2.95 with the weekend special.

[B]

You're like, what the fuck?

[G]

At that point, as a lady, aren't you offended that your pussy's cheaper than a Snickers bar. And you can subscribe Jack off. Cancel free.

[A]

Yeah, yeah,

[E]

you got behooval, bitch. Only Fans is something because it makes you pay. You can't get what you want on free porn sites.

[G]

Yeah, but there's that excitement.

[A]

You see what I mean?

[E]

Anyway, Ari, a fantastic set.

[G]

I tried my first Twinkie yesterday.

[E]

Your first Twinkie? Twinkie. Oh, okay.

[G]

Not a cake.

[I]

Not right.

[G]

I mean.

[E]

Twinkie.

[A]

Yeah, Red. Ben tried to make it a kindergarten fucking joke.

[G]

The thing with the cream.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

How did you feel about the. How did you feel about your first Twinkie?

[G]

I see why you guys are fat. Yeah, what a cute name for a heinous result. You know what I'm saying?

[E]

It really is Twinkie black.

[A]

Pretty sure RFK Jr. Is about to label it with fentanyl. I don't think Twinkies are going to

[E]

be that available in the very near future, Jeff.

[F]

Are you talking about actual Twinkies.

[E]

Twinkie.

[G]

It's the cream that's in the middle.

[F]

It's a hell of an adjustment where only fans this and then a. A Twinkie joke.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, straight into it.

[F]

I thought it was like something I didn't know from, like porn or something, but you're just talking about actual Twinkies.

[G]

Actual Twinkie. I tried it yesterday.

[I]

Yeah?

[G]

Apparently a big thing. Yeah?

[E]

What made you try it?

[G]

A black guy offered it to me.

[E]

A black guy? Yeah, a black. Hey, what up? Wanna Twinkie?

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

How did this happen?

[G]

Anything a black man offers, I accept.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Been there. I got three words for this room, and that is upload. Bad pussy.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's right.

[F]

Shirt.

[E]

That is correct. Ari. Maddie, you've done it again.

[A]

Another amazing new minute.

[G]

Donald Trump.

[A]

Make some fucking noise for Ari. Matty. Ladies and gentlemen. And now things get wild because we are going to meet someone together. Perhaps they've been on before, perhaps it's their first time. This is a very common name, so it could be either or on this one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Or one minute uninterrupted as we meet them all together. It is Carlos Lopez. Everybody make some noise for Carlos Lopez. Oh, we know Carlos. Look at this. It's that Carlos Lopez.

[J]

Howdy. So I had some pipes break in my house this last freeze. I went down the hardware store to grab some parts. When I walk in, first employee I find is trans. I don't want to be a fucking bigot, so I treat them like anyone else and ask for help. They them ask me if the parts I need are male or female. Me being a smart ass, I'm like, well, what are my other options? They them said, buddy, don't get me started. You think your plumbing's fucked up? My dick's in a jar. Thank you.

[A]

Wow. Carlos Lopez. I love it. Congratulations. A rock solid minute.

[E]

What is this your third time on the show?

[J]

Yes, sir.

[E]

Number three is incredible. And you just started a few months ago, right?

[J]

Correct. Yes, sir.

[E]

Amazing, I hear fantastic. You're goddamn right I remember it well. You made me a belt buckle.

[J]

I sure did.

[E]

Hell yeah. I wore it on the Brady Roast.

[J]

That's awesome. I love to hear that.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Good to see you, Carlos. It's a big ass baller ass belt buckle.

[E]

It's got my name on it.

[J]

You look like a baller with it.

[E]

It's so cool. Carlos, how's life been treating you, man?

[J]

It's been wild. Learning comedy.

[E]

Yeah.

[J]

Learning to crawl before I could even walk. You Know that's right. I know they don't recommend everybody come up here their first time, and I understand why now. You know, you get off for shows and. And stuff, and so I just been trying to. Trying to catch my pace, you know, figure it out.

[E]

Yeah, fantastic. So you've been doing a lot of work, a lot of open mics?

[J]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

[E]

And you drive trucks for a living?

[J]

I haul horses for a living, yes, sir.

[E]

You haul horses for a living? Absolutely. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah. I know one horse that's getting hauled out of D.C. in a couple months.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[E]

Anyway, how has this election affected you, Carlos Lopez? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking voted four times in different states.

[J]

Our border's gonna get a little bit safer. I'm from the border, so I'm happy about that.

[E]

Oh, yeah. That's good for you, right?

[J]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Even though your name's Carlos Lopez, you're excited about this?

[F]

It's my type of Carlos.

[E]

Hell yeah.

[J]

I'm Mexican the same way. I have a big dick. For some people, too much.

[B]

Wait, I'll say it. And I know this is on me. I know this is on me. I don't understand, and I really want to. Could you say it differently? You're Mexican. Like, you have a big dick. And then you said something else about you remind me of like, have you been on Shark Tank?

[J]

Have I been to Shark Tank?

[B]

Have you guys seen the Shark Tank where the guy's like, watering trees and they're like, why don't you charge $10? He's like, because we're talking about farmers and they all start crying.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Got that kind of dick energy, dude.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Or just energy.

[I]

Yeah, it could be.

[J]

Is it too much? Because some people. It is.

[E]

No, it's fantastic.

[A]

That's what I didn't, Carlos.

[E]

Indeed. So you're saying you do have a big dick.

[A]

Right?

[J]

For some people,

[A]

that makes sense.

[B]

Not for this panel.

[A]

That's a great answer. Ye.

[B]

Suck my dick.

[A]

Suck my dick.

[B]

Because of the type of audience that this is.

[E]

Absolutely.

[F]

That'll be the last time I. Yes. And any improv with Rick Kunk.

[B]

You went into my dick. It wasn't like I shoved your head down here. You can't suck my dick in to be like, Rick sucks.

[A]

I'm just happy I'm not the gay one for a change.

[F]

Very aggressive.

[E]

So, Carlos, what else is going on? What have you been doing for fun in your life? Tell us. The life of a horse hauling country boy, man.

[J]

Just been out here hauling horses and causing divorces. You know,

[A]

this guy's a machine. The man is a machine.

[E]

What's your love life like, Carlos? You're out there hauling that horse around.

[J]

No, I got a beautiful girlfriend at home.

[E]

You do?

[J]

Yes, sir.

[E]

What does she do for a living?

[J]

She works for a law firm. Doing law stuff?

[E]

Yep, that sounds about right. That's the kind of answer only a horse hauler could give.

[F]

Did you. He said you made him a belt buckle. How does that work? You make belt buckle?

[J]

I had a belt buckle, man. I got a belt buckle guy that makes belt buckles.

[A]

That's some real.

[E]

It's some Texas.

[F]

He does that. You should just do that.

[E]

Yeah, they don't do that in la. No one. No one's like, hey, thank you for the opportunity. I got you a gift in la. They're like, what about me? I want more here. It's like, hey, thank you. He was a real fucking class act, a real gentleman about it. Again, it's a badass belt buckle anyway. It's just thing.

[A]

Just things dudes with huge cocks do for other people.

[F]

I predict as Tony gets more and more successful, that the belt will get larger and larger. It is between your ego and your love of wrestling. It's gonna be a fucking huge belt.

[A]

It's true.

[F]

It's going to be crown jewel size belt for sure.

[A]

No doubt about it.

[E]

I actually. I can't fit in the door with

[A]

the one that I have prepared for

[E]

20, 25 right now. Carlos Lopez, amazing stuff you are. You're doing a great fucking job, man. You have a natural swagger to your delivery is incredible. You're a real fucking gentleman and a class act.

[J]

Appreciate that.

[A]

Great stuff, Carlos. There he goes. Carlos Lopez.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

And it goes on. And oh yeah, the Mexicans know what's up. Those. These horn players, they got their favorites. That is true. That is true. Bias Mexican music you're listening to.

[E]

I think it's about to switch to white.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, by the looks of this name, make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. I'd remember this name if I've seen it before. Of Maverick McWilliams, everybody. Maverick McWilliams.

[K]

Hello.

[L]

Oh, my gosh. I was on the way here, I was talking to one of my best friends, boys. You know what it's like when you have a guy best friend, just the biggest piece of shit, you know? Right? Like you'd never let him date your daughter, but you'd fucking die for him, right? I was on the way here, he was like, what are you doing, man? I'm like, going to see a show. He goes, oh, nice, man. What band are you going to see? I was like, no, I'm. It's like. It's a comedy show.

[I]

He goes, oh, you fuck.

[L]

You're still doing that? I was like, do you need something?

[B]

He goes, yeah.

[G]

Quick question.

[L]

What's the gayest thing you've done lately? I was like, I don't know what Alex told you, but he's a fucking liar. It was cold on that camping trip, and I don't give a fuck if it was in July, all right? We had to cuddle for warmth, okay? And it got me thinking, man. I was like, what is the gayest thing I do? And it's definitely fucking put on chapstick, blue eyes. Think about it, dude. You can't look assertive putting on fucking chapstick. You can't be at a goddamn mechanic shop. Like, hey, I said I'm not paying a goddamn dime over 1,500 for this transmission. You quote me at 2,000. Fuck that. Button up. I'll do it my goddamn self.

[M]

Let's go, asshole.

[L]

Put it in.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

All right. Maverick McWilliams. How's it going, Maverick?

[L]

Good, Tony. How are you?

[E]

Is that your real name?

[L]

From birth, yeah.

[E]

Wow, that's a real fucking. That's a real name? Maverick McWilliams?

[L]

Yeah.

[E]

Hell, yeah. What else do you do in life with a name like Maverick?

[L]

Well, I've kind of had a weird life, man. I was a. I'm a failed child actor. That's.

[E]

Ooh, yeah.

[G]

Don't.

[E]

Ooh.

[L]

What the fuck?

[E]

I love it. Like.

[A]

Ooh, failed dreams.

[E]

We love that around here. Were you on anything we'd remember?

[L]

Yeah, I got my SAG card when I was, like, 10. I was in the Spy Next Door with Jackie Chan.

[E]

The what?

[L]

The Spy Next Door.

[E]

Spy Next Door.

[L]

Yeah, it was on Netflix.

[K]

I got a credit.

[M]

What's up, dog?

[L]

Give me some of that.

[E]

Okay, what else? What else? Spy Next Door.

[L]

Couple national commercials. And then the housing Crisis hit in 08, and I had to move back to New Mexico. Oh, did you have a good time?

[A]

Hold on. Stop responding to every noise that the crowd makes. Maverick, we're up here. Maverick.

[L]

Yeah, My dad was a contractor in New Mexico, and that's kind of what kept me and my mom in LA doing that. And then once his construction business went under, I had to move home and be a normal kid, you know?

[E]

So you were in la? Yep. Housing crisis hits and you go to New Mexico Yeah, Where I'm from. So how soon after Spy Next Door was that?

[L]

This is how fucked up it is. That was the last audition I went on and it filmed in Rio Rancho, New Mexico. And so they were like, hey, you're already fucking head there, dude. Might as well say a couple lines for us when you get there. So it was kind of weird.

[B]

Did you think to do any background in Breaking Bad?

[L]

No, but I have a lot of cousins who do meth, so I gotta. Yeah, I got a lot of. I got a lot of expert that

[E]

it was happening right there. They were filming right there one of the biggest shows of all time. You never.

[L]

No, I mean, I, I mean, when that was all filming, I didn't really have an interest in. I. I rodeo in like high school and college and then I. I was in the military. I'm a welder and a pipe. I just had like a lot of weird going on.

[E]

Hey, sorry about that.

[M]

Sorry.

[A]

A lot of man stuff there.

[E]

Welding, pipe fitting, rodeo. What else? Tell us more about the wildlife of Maverick McWilliams.

[L]

Well, I was, I was, you know, backstage about to go on and I heard you talking to Carlos about his. His buckle. I make like leather stuff like belts, wallets, things like that.

[E]

Cool. So what else?

[L]

Jesus Christ. Well, my social is.

[B]

No, he means like, because you said things like that. What else? With leather.

[L]

Oh, so. Yeah, so belts, wallets.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Not. What else?

[L]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know.

[B]

Roar.

[L]

Not a surprise. I hunt. I just killed a ten point the other day in Oklahoma. That was pretty cool. Yeah.

[E]

Okay, so you're a real man.

[B]

You guys hate that ten point, huh?

[A]

You drive a truck, Maverick Right now I do.

[L]

It's a smaller truck. It's a Tacoma, but yeah.

[E]

Okay, a Toyota.

[L]

Well, I've always driven like full size trucks. And then when I started doing more comedy like on the road and stuff like that, I. I wanted something that had better gas mileage, but something I can still kind of hunt with, you know?

[E]

Okay, so stopped acting, so. Right. Yeah.

[B]

Maybe start acting like you could afford a better car and it'll come to you.

[L]

Oh, man.

[E]

What's your love life like, Maverick McWilliams? You have the name of a porn star?

[L]

I have a girlfriend. She's. She's in med school right now in Oklahoma.

[E]

She's.

[L]

She's awesome. And we've been together for about a year, so. Going well.

[E]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

What's her Instagram handle? Daddy wants to take a look.

[L]

Yeah, it's Ms. Glassman.

[A]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[B]

Whoa, hey, hey. You don't talk to the panel like that.

[L]

I'm sorry, I don't know what to do.

[B]

And you ignore them. Sorry. Tony, go ahead, bud. You're the man.

[A]

Thank you, Rick. My buddy, old pal Rick.

[E]

We are doing it tonight.

[L]

Oh, man.

[E]

So, Maverick, tell us what made you start standup? How long you been doing it?

[L]

I've been doing it eight years.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah. All in New Mexico?

[L]

No, New Mexico. Oklahoma, then here. And I just moved back to Oklahoma.

[E]

So you went back. What would make you move from here to Oklahoma?

[L]

You're gonna fucking hate me when I tell you this. I'm joining the fire department here in Austin.

[E]

Joined the fire department.

[L]

I'm in the process of joining the fire department here. And it's a six month academy and it's really rigorous and I won't have time to go back home to see my family, so for the holidays and stuff, to see my girlfriend, my dad, I just thought I might spend the last bit of the year. The academy will start like early next year, so.

[E]

So they're in Oklahoma?

[A]

Yes.

[E]

Yeah. Your girlfriend's in Oklahoma?

[L]

Yeah.

[E]

Your dad moved from New Mexico to Oklahoma?

[L]

He's from there originally, but yeah, when him, my mom got divorced, he moved back to Oklahoma. Okay.

[E]

When did him and your mom get divorced?

[L]

I was about 13.

[E]

You were 13? Yes. That makes sense. Okay, and what made them get divorced? Did you ever figure it out?

[L]

You know, I don't want to name drop here, but. So I was.

[E]

Do it, do it.

[L]

I opened for Josh Wolf in Oklahoma City and he asked me the same question. And I think, I mean, they just got married young, got married right out of college. I think they were just two different people. And then.

[E]

So they never told you?

[L]

No, I don't. I don't know nothing. Dude.

[E]

How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours?

[L]

About a year.

[E]

Okay. You have any special moves in the bedroom, Maverick?

[L]

Just try my hardest.

[A]

That's it.

[E]

What do you do? What's like when you say.

[A]

Great answer, Maverick. The people love you.

[E]

When you say you try your hardest. What exactly does that. In jail?

[B]

I'll take it from here.

[I]

Okay.

[B]

You know only 86% of women could orgasm penetratively.

[L]

Less than that. Come on, what are we talking, buddy?

[B]

No, it ain't. You know what? Go ahead. I'm sure we want to hear from this guy, Mr. Let's go, asshole. Let's put it in. The other guy got hauling horses, getting divorces and upload that pussy and you have. Let's go, asshole. Let's put it in. You ain't affording a full size suv, Tony. I'm sorry. You're the man.

[A]

Let's go back to your. Let's go back to the question I asked three and a half minutes ago. I'm sorry, what does that entail? Over here, Rick, over here. That's one of those. This is one of those moments.

[L]

It just entails, you know, just, you know, be a giver, you know, just make sure they're taken care of. I guess this is. I should be fucking pissed if I was talking about this on the biggest podcast in the world.

[E]

And exciting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[L]

It's. I'm actually. I'm not good at sex. Actually, that's what we probably should have said right off the bat.

[A]

You say you're not good at it.

[E]

Can you give us an example of

[L]

what you mean the fastest you've ever seen?

[A]

Amazing. Is there anything you try to think

[E]

of to not be so fast?

[A]

Is there any.

[E]

Do you have any tricks to trying to last longer?

[A]

Have you attempted at all to try to last?

[E]

No, not at all.

[L]

I don't. Yeah. It's just incredible because when you try, you can fail. And I don't want to fail her twice in a night.

[E]

So, yeah, there you go.

[A]

I Love that. Maverick McWilliams, you're a funny guy. Welcome to the show. There's a big joke book.

[E]

Thank you, thank you.

[A]

Some real handmade leather from the Great Bonsai. He could have made one himself since he's a leather making, pipe fitting, welding, everything guy. We have a special treat for you right now, ladies and gentlemen. The brand newest Netflix special debuts at midnight tonight. It is called the Dark Queen. And the Dark Queen herself is here to grace us with her presence. Here to do a little bit of stand up comedy, ladies and gentlemen. She's been a guest on this show before. Here to just flex on us a little bit. Make some goddamn noise for the great and powerful Adrian Iapolucci. Everybody make some fucking noise for Adrian.

[N]

Oh, my God. Thank you. How are you doing? All right?

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

My friend told me a statistic the other day that every minute a woman dies from breast cancer. Which is crazy when you think about it because the lines for the women's bathrooms are still so long. You're like, hurry up, survivors. Some of us have to pee. Now. Look, I have no idea what's going on in the Middle east, which is why I feel like I'm the best person to talk about it. I want Palestine to be happy. I do. I just. I don't know how to do that. I think they want all of Palestine, or, like, from the window to the wall. I don't know the rest of the joke, but I don't know. No, I do. I want that to be. Has anyone, like, even tried to give Palestine casinos?

[B]

No.

[N]

Like, look how well it worked for us. The Native Americans are so happy. They love it here. Maybe we can name some, like, racist teams after them. The Palestinian paragliders. That's just, like, one. I don't. No. I think Hamas wants to kill the Jews, but they are just limited to Israel, which is not, like, the best way to get your genocide going. Just doing it. Very grassroots. But if you think about it like that, it kind of just proves it has nothing to really do with the Jews at all. It's just that area of land. Whoever lives there, they'll never get along. You know, if Asian people live there, they're also not like the Asian people. And I know that firsthand because I've lived in the Bronx my whole life, and I hate Puerto Ricans. What I would like to propose is a little exchange program where we send the Puerto Ricans to Israel, and then we send the Jews to the Bronx. And you'll see how quickly the Palestinians beg for the Jews to come back. This music is on all night long. Obviously, that's a joke. I. I date almost exclusively Hispanic guys. Like, if you look throughout my dating history, it looks like I'm trying to start my own baseball league. All right, that's all I'm doing.

[A]

Adrian Ayapolucci, ladies and gentlemen, the newest special on Netflix, the Dark Queen. Adrian, thank you so much. We love you.

[N]

Thank you guys for having me.

[A]

Make some noise for Adrian. Aya Palucci. Just people dropping in, fucking crushing.

[E]

No big deal. Just the newest Netflix special.

[A]

All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Rock Turner. Rock is next. Make some noise for Rock, everybody.

[O]

Hey, I'm autistic and have adhd.

[P]

Great.

[C]

Yeah.

[O]

I wish I had you guys in school. You could have popped up anytime I said something inappropriate, like, yay, autism. We would have confused the shit out of the bullies. But I was just odd, and I did unpredictable things, like you were watching a movie and they randomly break out in a song and dance, and you're like, this is a weird remake of Training Day. Yeah, that's what it's like hanging out with me. Any random bit of lyric that I hear Will set me off. And the TISM doesn't keep track of who's been canceled. So you could go up to me and be like I believe. And I will cut you off like I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.

[G]

Yeah.

[O]

That's about the reaction that I normally get, Tony.

[A]

Okay, 57 seconds from Rock Turner, autistic and ADHD. And you don't need to keep clapping like that. It was the way he.

[B]

He knew the exact time, but a little off. Like Chris Rock, like the rocks are good with their time.

[A]

Someone just broke a glass over their head. After the comedy stylings of Rock Turner, autistic and ADHD came out guns a

[E]

blazing like a 22 year old girl, just with excuses.

[A]

I'm autistic, I'm ADHD.

[E]

I believe I can fly.

[A]

How old are you, Rock?

[O]

41.

[E]

41. How long have you been doing stand up?

[O]

Since about a year.

[E]

About a year.

[P]

Where at an Austin area.

[E]

All in Austin. Is this where you're from?

[O]

I've been here for 20 something years. So pretty much.

[E]

What made you move to Austin 20 something years ago?

[O]

I went to University of Texas.

[E]

Okay. What do you do for a living?

[O]

I'm a photographer and videographer.

[E]

Okay. And you get a lot of work here? You make a living doing that?

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

You're good at it.

[O]

Really good.

[E]

Okay. Better than you are at standup.

[O]

100% great.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

100% perfect. What do you do for fun?

[A]

Rock.

[E]

Tell us more about the insides of Rock Turner. You are as funny as a rock.

[J]

Nice.

[O]

Play guitar, play video games, do photo and video stuff. I mean, I love doing that shit.

[E]

I love it, I love it. What other types of things do you talk about in your stand up comedy?

[O]

My parents. I'm kind of estranged from them, so I got a few jokes about them.

[E]

You're estranged from your parents?

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

They've seen you do stand up before?

[O]

No. No, Actually, no.

[E]

Okay. Why are you estranged? Go ahead, Rick.

[B]

Well, I just. I feel like estranged means they don't talk to you. Can't say estranged if they passed away, can you? Are you well?

[O]

Yeah. They're still alive.

[C]

Yeah.

[O]

I know I'm old, but not.

[E]

Tell us why your relationship is strained with your parents.

[O]

Just, you know, typical boomer parents. Beat the shit out of me, like

[E]

all that they did. Do you think you'd be autistic and ADHD if you were raised differently?

[M]

No.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know.

[O]

Maybe. I would think so. I'm pretty sure that I have something called Eller Danlos.

[I]

Flexible joints.

[E]

Okay, hold on.

[A]

Let's get the information from the people here.

[E]

Like, when I ask him a question,

[A]

you have to wait until they answer to answer.

[E]

So what the do you think you have?

[O]

It's Eller Danlos. It's like a connective tissue thing where you have.

[A]

It really is.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I thought Rick was. What are the odds that you were being serious on that?

[B]

I know I'm responsible for the reputation I have, but at some point you have to look at yourself and be like, maybe Rick does know about flexible joints. Upload that pushing.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's happening.

[E]

Can you show us some of your. Some of your condition? Can you?

[A]

Come on, give me some connective tissue. Music, guys. One, two, three, four. Whoa. Wow. Oh, my goodness. You know what? If I was your parent, I would have beaten you too. Really push it to the limit.

[O]

Yeah, that's true.

[E]

That's what happens when your parents bend

[A]

your fingers back when you're a little kid.

[E]

You end up with.

[O]

You know, I may not have anything wrong with me except for that. Then what? It was just they beat me into flexibility, maybe.

[E]

Absolutely. That's what I was implying. What's your love life like, Rock?

[O]

I've been married for almost.

[E]

Red Band.

[O]

Almost a decade now.

[E]

You've been married for a decade?

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay. And what does your wife do?

[O]

She's a photographer, too.

[C]

Wow. You just.

[E]

You guys just. Just go around capturing other people thriving. Yeah. Does anyone ever take pictures of you guys?

[O]

Not really. Actually. It's.

[B]

Yeah, that's a mistake.

[J]

Right?

[C]

There we go.

[A]

It's about to change right now. Oh, it's us.

[C]

Ah,

[I]

nice.

[O]

Touche. Touche.

[B]

I do have four words.

[O]

I cherish that memory.

[B]

Take this for it.

[A]

You will upload that.

[E]

Kidding.

[O]

That's three minutes.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

Oh, no. If I could be. Because sometimes, like, I can't tell if you're serious. I want to have a genuine moment for. For a minute. And I just want to say, honestly, it's not your fault.

[I]

All right?

[B]

Yeah, it's not your fault, Rock.

[E]

How long have you been. That's enough.

[B]

I was gonna do that for a while.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, no. It's okay. It's okay. Rock, how long.

[E]

How long have you been playing guitar for?

[O]

24 years.

[E]

24 years. You know what? Do we have that extra guitar, Matt?

[A]

Okay, let's plug that shit in. We're about to find out exactly how fucking autistic this guy really is. Oh, my goodness.

[E]

Look at that sledgehammer.

[B]

That's. Don't you're not supposed to speak to a woman like that.

[E]

My goodness gracious. Here he goes, ladies and gentlemen. He's ready for the his moment. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a little guitar from Rock Turner, everybody.

[A]

Hold on, fan. Don't. Don't save them band. All right, I'm gonna stop you there, Rock Tony.

[B]

I'm gonna only say this one. Be nice, be nice. Just. I'm.

[A]

I'm gonna d. Madness is roasting him, Rick. I have to jump in.

[B]

He's got Ellis Dan Laws have a flexible moral standard. Come on, man, 20 something years. Why don't we ask him to show some of his videography while we're at it? Oh my God, it hurts. Maybe it is your fault. No, no, you're the man.

[O]

The videography is much more impressive too. I'm sorry, what the photography and videography is.

[A]

Is it like Disney World?

[E]

Disneyland?

[A]

Like, are you one of those Disney. Good question. Is it like Disney Railroad?

[E]

Great question from Redband. Like Disney Railroad.

[O]

Never heard of it.

[A]

Sorry.

[E]

Amazing.

[B]

Is it against. Is it against the law to ask that? He says what his thing is so I could look at his videos.

[E]

Sure, plug your video. What is.

[O]

What is B Turner? Photography and films.

[B]

B T U R N E R. Photography and films. And what is your rate?

[O]

It depends what you're asking for.

[B]

Hey, that's not the attitude I'm looking for.

[A]

All right, Rock, here's a.

[E]

Here's a little joke book here. Oh, one thing at a time there. Adhd. All right, here we go. There goes the guitar.

[A]

And there goes Rock Turner, everybody. Anything can happen on this show again. Sometimes stars are born. Sometimes it is just a mental health clinic up here.

[F]

Sometimes you're stuck between two people with autism.

[A]

All right, it's time for one of the most amazing regulars in the entire show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy every single single week writes and performs a brand new minute. Makes some noise for one of the all time greats. This is indeed the one and only, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[M]

What's up, man? I'm. I'm getting older and I'm realizing stuff about myself. I realized recently that I'm. I'm toxic. I just realized that cause I got a new girlfriend and my ex called me out of nowhere and she was like, I see you got a new girlfriend, nigga. And I don't care. I just want you to know that if you marry that bitch, I'm gonna be. I'm gonna have. I'm gonna come to your wedding with a bomb strapped in My chest and my dick got hard.

[A]

Like, what did you say?

[M]

I rubbed my nipple and shit. You said what?

[H]

My homeboy.

[M]

Like, why would your dick get hard? That's crazy. I'm like, you don't understand, bro. My mama gonna be at my wedding, my dad gonna be at my wedding, my grandma gonna be there. You gonna kill all them for me.

[B]

What you finna wear?

[M]

When you gonna blow my wedding up? You gonna have a thong gone when you blow my wedding up? Yeah, that's the whole joke. That's all of it. I'm not gonna stop now. I guess I can tell you what I did this week. I went to Akron. That place is terrible. We don't need it, LeBron. Only thing we need it outta Akron. I feel like this world is just LeBron's world. Y' all ever think about that? I'm glad I got outta that one. There it go.

[A]

We made it. I had a hot 30 seconds.

[E]

Patterson bringing up the fourth greatest basketball player of all time. LeBron James, I gotta tell you. Yeah, no doubt about it.

[Q]

Wait, what'd he do?

[B]

Tony thinks 1, 2 and 3's trump.

[M]

What the is going on here?

[A]

Okay, very good, guys. We really went a little wild on that one.

[F]

Trump doesn't play basketball. What the was that about?

[E]

It's Jordan.

[M]

Go ahead, Trump.

[E]

Jordan. It's Jordan.

[A]

John Stockton.

[M]

Oh, I knew you're gonna throw a white guy in there somewhere.

[B]

He was coming.

[A]

Patrick Ewing.

[G]

Okay.

[E]

And then LeBron James. No doubt about it. If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have told you he was the second best of all time.

[M]

Oh, he did post that, man.

[C]

LeBron James.

[A]

Goddamn right. Yeah, yeah. LeBron James. Pussy ass nigga. LeBron.

[B]

And you can't say that.

[A]

I can't say that.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

What you gonna do? Down and fuck, nigga, huh? That's why your son ass.

[F]

Yeah, now let me.

[A]

He's okay during the regular season. I got it, I got it. That's fine. That's fine.

[H]

I got it.

[A]

That's why your son suck Brody. So few championships, he just doesn't know how to be a real team leader. Kobe is ahead of him. Hell yeah.

[B]

Mentioned Kobe before Stockton.

[A]

Yeah. No, Stockton is crazy. You're right. He's the fifth best. Stockton is br. Is the fifth best basketball player. Stockton. Yeah.

[E]

Mugsy Bogues.

[B]

You know you'll.

[M]

Okay, I'll take Mugsy Bows because he black.

[B]

A lot of people don't know this and this is kind of like your Stockton actually is known for having in the locker Room having a really big dick.

[M]

Hey, what are we talking about?

[B]

I'm getting soundbites, bitch.

[M]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Well, I gotta be a bitch. I don't know. You got aggressive energy, and I only got aggressive energy.

[M]

You got aggressive energy.

[B]

I'm gonna retreat. My instinct is to wrestle, and I know I'm wrong.

[A]

Tony, you are indeed wrong.

[B]

All right. You got out of two things tonight

[L]

that even mean.

[B]

Man, I didn't understand half of your. But funny stuff.

[E]

Okay. Rick turning up the heat here. As the episode goes on, he's getting a little more. A little more.

[A]

A little more Rick Glassman.

[E]

It's happening.

[B]

All jokes aside, Kim, I think you're fantastic. And it's good to see you, my man.

[M]

Good to see you too.

[E]

Disclaimer. Very good. So the interview will continue with Cam Patterson. Here it goes.

[A]

Cam, how's this week been for you?

[M]

It's been good, man.

[E]

Tell us more about Akan.

[M]

It was terrible.

[E]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

It was one of the worst places

[M]

I've ever been to in my life. It's horrible.

[E]

Small city, I'd imagine your agents and managers are trying to squeeze you for everything. You everywhere.

[M]

My homeboy, they asked me about it, and I was like, no, at first. But my opener, my dog Jar, he from Akan. So I was like, why go out there? Can he get to go back home and shit? And he just had a traumatic experience. Really?

[E]

What happened?

[M]

He got back home. His middle school was closed down. His elementary school was boarded up. His childhood home, he grew up at burnt to the ground.

[A]

Wow.

[M]

We should have stayed the fuck outta Akron. When I think about it, place is fucking horrible. One guy, can I do this thing at the end of my shoulders now? Why just do therapy with Cam? Cause I'm a therapist. I don't know if you know that or not. I'm a therapist. And so people just ask me questions, and I give them solutions.

[J]

Right.

[M]

And this one guy said, hey, man, I live in Akan. What should I do? And I just said, kill yourself.

[E]

Yeah.

[M]

You should probably murder yourself and your family and go to heaven.

[B]

Yep.

[M]

Get out of here, man. Die. And I also been in your hometown, which wasn't. It's not better, right? It's not much better.

[E]

Northeast Ohio is.

[M]

It's the worst place on earth.

[A]

Yeah. It's very rugged territory.

[E]

Rick Glassman's from Cleveland.

[B]

Boy, my arm's tired.

[E]

Ain famously the home of Goodyear tires.

[F]

Yeah.

[M]

And LeBron James.

[E]

Yeah, that.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

Now I'm playing I love you.

[A]

Love to see how much he Got

[E]

paid to make that endorsement.

[Q]

What?

[E]

Anyway. Oh, yeah, they took paychecks.

[M]

I beat Bronnie. And one on one. Y' all don't feel what I'm saying. Y' all too there.

[E]

Yeah, that's true. That's another thing.

[A]

His son sucks at basketball.

[E]

He's the only guy that's been entitled to. To nepotism in the NBA. You follow basketball, correct?

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

You play basketball? Am I correct?

[B]

I played against LeBron.

[F]

He's annoyingly good at basketball.

[A]

Yeah, I don't like playing.

[F]

I don't like that. I know Rick Lastman so well, and I was like, I'm gonna dunk on Rick Glassman. And then I showed up, and you were infinitely better than everyone that was playing.

[B]

Wait, wait.

[M]

You played with me, too?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Who you think will win?

[C]

Who you think will win?

[F]

Very average. But I'm tall. He's very.

[A]

He beat.

[M]

You think he beat me?

[F]

Yes.

[I]

You're a piece of.

[M]

I. Liar.

[F]

I love you.

[A]

And you go, there's no doubt.

[B]

Bullshit.

[F]

Damn.

[A]

There's. There's super good.

[M]

I got a hundred.

[E]

I got. I got.

[M]

I got 2k on me right now.

[F]

I'll take that bet.

[B]

I got a question. I just want to ask the audience one question here.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Do you notice how much he's trying to sell his skills while I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, buddy, I ain't playing LIU unless we got an indoor court, some good air conditioning, and you get me a new pair of shoes.

[F]

What is.

[A]

Let me ask you guys something.

[B]

I like to plug my video. I am phenomenal on YouTube.

[E]

Okay, Rick, what if. Are you here in town tomorrow, right?

[A]

No, you leave tonight, technically time tomorrow.

[B]

I thought you meant tomorrow night. I leave in the morning.

[E]

So what if I got you guys

[A]

an indoor gym and we rolled the

[E]

video right now of the game that

[A]

you guys play tomorrow and we can bet on it. No, Rick. Rick, you're saying No. I mean, Cam. Cam looks excited about this.

[F]

Yeah, I'll put money on it.

[Q]

Let's do it.

[B]

I mean, mate, I'll probably not why

[M]

they want to do you scared.

[B]

You see?

[M]

Like you scared, Rick.

[E]

You do see.

[A]

You do seem like you're scared.

[B]

Wait a minute. It's not like you're scared. I'm never scared. I'll tell you what.

[C]

What?

[B]

Where did he go now? I can't see. I didn't know. I was trying to give him a fist bump. Can I say that?

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Anyway, I saw it.

[B]

I mean, maybe.

[E]

Maybe.

[B]

Yeah, let me know.

[M]

What tomorrow.

[E]

What time 1pm tomorrow.

[B]

I have to be. I have a. I'm doing a podcast at 1pm it would have to be early, and I. I mean, how do we have to do it tomorrow? Why don't we do it before this comes out? Why don't you come to la?

[A]

No, you have to play here in Austin.

[M]

Let's do it, man.

[E]

It's indoors. You're.

[M]

Come on, Rick.

[A]

Let the record show that if it doesn't happen, if the video doesn't roll after this.

[B]

Yeah, it's probably.

[E]

Then it was.

[B]

I haven't been playing much. I don't know if I'm gonna do this in front of a lot of people. I'm gonna want, like, oh, you're scared.

[A]

He's scared, man. Wow. Rick scared to play. I'm like that for real. Rick is really, really. I'm like that for real, man.

[B]

Hey, you know what?

[L]

I was right.

[M]

Wait, wait. I was ranked number three in the nation when I was in 12th grade.

[B]

This is why people are afraid of acronyms.

[A]

You ain't know that.

[M]

You ain't know that, huh? I'm lying.

[A]

It sound good.

[M]

Listen, man, Sound phenomenal.

[B]

I'm sure you're a good basketball player. If we were to play tomorrow and I haven't been playing much and I hurt myself or whatever. Like, if it means that I have to say that you're a better basketball player than me, I won't only say you're a better basketball player than me. I'll say you're a better comedian than me. I think you're a better person all around.

[F]

I agree with all that.

[B]

But.

[P]

But.

[B]

But there's one more thing I want to say. Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

[A]

All right, Rick, relax a little bit. Cam Patterson. Thank you so much. There goes Cam Patterson.

[M]

I love LeBron James.

[A]

Oh, a little handshake. Little handshake. All right. What a wild episode. You guys having fun out there? All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ben Kosheba. Ben Kashaba. Ben Kosheba. Ben.

[P]

All right, guys. My name's actually Ben Kashaba or Hoshiba. If you say the original Aramaic dialect in English, cachaba just means Sunday in Spanish. It's pronounced dejo. My boys on the box team taught me that. They're always like, hey, Bendejo, hurry up. They're nice guys. One of them is like, hey, so you're not Mexican? Like, what are you? Where are you from? I'm like, I'm a Syrian. He's like, oh, so from, like, Syria? Like, no, no, no. Syrians are from Syria. I'm a Syrian. He's like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[E]

I'm. Oh, a Mexican.

[P]

Hey, but check it out. Once I get married and the paperwork goes through, I'll be American. I know I'm doing a lot of Mexican jokes, but it's only because Mexican jokes are like Mexican people. They always work. Unlike my black jokes, the Arab jokes kill some of the more extreme ones.

[A]

Bomb

[P]

the World War II, Japanese pilot jokes. Neverland, Pearl Harbor. You got it. Hell yeah. So me and my girlfriend were arguing the other day, and she just kept going on and on. I'm like, baby, relax. I love you. We can negotiate. She's like, I don't negotiate with terrorists. Super fucking racist, but super fucking funny. I started laughing.

[A]

All right, Ben, you reached the maximum time limit. The crowd loved it. How's it going, Ben?

[E]

So good.

[P]

Been here like four times to try and get on here from California.

[E]

Yeah.

[P]

You're my hero. I love you all. You guys are amazing.

[E]

I love it. Thank you for saying that. How long have you been doing stand up?

[P]

Almost a year.

[E]

Okay. All of it in la.

[P]

San Diego.

[E]

San Diego. Okay. Where are you performing there?

[P]

Madhouse, Mic Drop, and then a bunch of different bars.

[E]

The former military?

[P]

No.

[E]

What do you do for work in San Diego?

[P]

I'm a bartender.

[E]

Okay.

[P]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[E]

You fight? Yeah.

[P]

Seven and one.

[E]

Okay.

[P]

I mean, I'm retired now. I'm retired.

[E]

Oh, you're retired?

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

Why are you retired?

[P]

Because I'm fat.

[E]

Okay. Why are you fat?

[P]

I like to eat. No, I just kind of fell off during COVID My father never loved me.

[E]

It's all right. Keep going with your actual answer. You fell off during COVID During COVID

[P]

And then after that, it was just kind of. It was hard to, like, get back in. I mean, I'm still training all the time.

[E]

Right. But Jiu Jitsu, what are we talking about?

[P]

Jiu Jitsu, mma. More Thai.

[E]

Okay. All right. Seven and one, yet you're retired. You just can't cut the weight.

[P]

No, it's not that. Honestly.

[E]

Brain damage.

[A]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah, I'm sorry, what was that?

[E]

Very good. What else do you do for fun, Ben?

[P]

I like. What was that?

[J]

Say.

[E]

What was that again?

[P]

What was that?

[E]

Just a piss.

[P]

I'm sorry. Like to go out, drink, hang out with friends, go to the beach, still train, listen to Kill Tony do. Stand up. Uh huh. Try to make.

[E]

What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is, other than your fight History.

[P]

A lot of interesting. All right, so I didn't speak until I was almost three years old.

[E]

Whoa.

[P]

And my first words were at church. And I said, I want to be a priest. And then I hit puberty and it all. It all changed.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Wow. You didn't say anything until you said a full sentence.

[P]

A full sentence? Yeah. 100 or nothing? No. So actually, what ended up I found out was I had like a. Something with my ear so I couldn't hear. And then I had surgery. It was like three months later. After the surgery is when I actually spoke.

[E]

Okay, so you were deaf for a while.

[P]

I was deaf for a while.

[M]

Wow.

[E]

Rick Glassman.

[B]

Yeah.

[P]

Is.

[B]

So did he get lucky? Is that not from fighting?

[P]

My parents were related, so. Inbred joke. It's from fighting and wrestling.

[B]

And you're. And then you were. You were deaf, and then that happened after.

[P]

What was that? I'm joking.

[E]

Sorry.

[F]

He's been taking it out on his ears ever since.

[E]

Okay.

[F]

Is that a Freemason's ring?

[P]

Yeah, I'm Freemason.

[J]

All right.

[F]

Just wanted to.

[E]

So what is your ethnicity exactly? Because Sheba is an interesting last name.

[P]

What is that, Assyrian or Chaldean? Okay, so from Assyrian. You got it.

[E]

And so you're 100% Syrian? Syrian, sure. Whatever. Who gives a fuck?

[P]

Honestly? I'll be whatever you want, Tony.

[A]

100%.

[P]

100%.

[E]

What are your parents like?

[P]

My mom's a sweetheart. Foreign lady from Iraq.

[E]

Yeah. How about your dad? Let's talk about it.

[P]

We're getting into it. My dad was a cool guy growing up. Wasn't always around.

[E]

Where was he?

[P]

I wish I could tell you. I didn't know he wasn't around.

[E]

You don't know? Have you talked to him since?

[P]

Yeah.

[L]

So he was.

[P]

I stopped talking to him about like 10 years ago.

[E]

Why?

[P]

Just wasn't a good dad to me and my sisters, so.

[E]

Just cuz he wasn't around sometimes.

[P]

My dad wasn't a good. I don't know. No, he just. He left.

[J]

He.

[E]

Where did he go

[A]

again?

[P]

I wish I could tell you. I think Bay area, Arizona. Now he's married to a Mexican lady, Rick Glass.

[B]

Well, we have a surprise for you.

[A]

Yeah. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

[E]

It is Allah Akbar Koshiba, ladies and gentlemen.

[A]

And here he. He arrives right now. Hold on, here he comes. He's. Wait, Rick's gotta go grab him. And now here he is, ladies and gentlemen, your father, Baba, A slightly hairier version of Rick Glassman. Would you like to say some words

[E]

to your dear son, Mr. Kushiba.

[B]

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not. Stop. It's not your fault.

[A]

Wow. What a moment between the Kushiba boys, ladies and gentlemen.

[P]

That was the best hug I ever got from my dad ever.

[A]

Wow.

[P]

Thank you, Dad. I love you.

[E]

That is amazing.

[A]

There he goes.

[E]

Back to.

[P]

Not my phone back.

[E]

There he goes.

[A]

Wait, what did he just say? He's yelling at women because he's good old Darian. Oh, it's Rick Glassman, everybody.

[Q]

Look at that.

[B]

What I miss.

[A]

Somehow your mustache looks thicker without the added mustache.

[E]

This is incredible. Wait, what do you got there? Okay, Ben, we're gonna get you out of here. You know what? There's.

[A]

He's got multiple mustaches, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Guilty.

[B]

Unlike that other loser, I didn't quit acting as a teenager and moved to Mexico. I'm a real actor with mustaches, you dork. Well, why don't you wrestle Cam Patterson to see who is a bigger dick? Fuck off. I'm not wasting my gosh darn time.

[A]

The crowd loved your material. Welcome to the kill Tony universe. Here's a big joke book, Ben Kashiba, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. We're flying through them tonight. We have another Lopez, ladies and gentlemen.

[E]

Ben.

[A]

Get the out of here. Go. All right, there you go. There goes Ben. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Eric. Okay, there's the mic adjustment. Thank you. On to the next one we go. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eric Lopez, everybody. Eric. Make some noise for Eric, everyone.

[E]

All right, guys.

[Q]

So I ended up in Iraq and back in 2009 fighting for the Taliban. Obviously, I didn't get these 72 virgins. A photo leaked out of me eating some bacon. But I did the next best thing. I walked into a carpet shop and I told, dude, yo, you got a magic carpet. He's like, no, Aladdin took the last one. But I got this fuck rug. I like you, my friend. 85 bucks, you're like, you know what? Think about it. You go out on dinner and a date, you spend over 100 bucks, and you still don't get laid. Fuck rug. Guaranteed sex. They're like, man, you got anything cheaper? Yes. Our most popular model, the goat fuck rug. 20 bucks no goat can resist. And I was like, any goat. So I needed to say, I fucked Tom Brady. Funny thing happened. Ref stepped in, threw a yellow flag, penalized me for reference to passer. I nut. Sat down like three Times. And at the end of it, like, yeah, that's like my balls deflated.

[B]

All right, guys.

[Q]

Thank you.

[A]

Okay. Eric Lopez, welcome to the show. Eric, this is your first time here, correct?

[Q]

Actually, he showed up to that old place that burned up episode three in Austin.

[E]

Okay, yeah, no, we remember that. That makes sense. That is an old place where we used to do the show. So you were on this show before?

[Q]

Yes, sir.

[E]

Okay. How long have you been doing stand up? Since that day started then and there.

[Q]

Well, it was. It was like my fifth time doing comedy, but let's say around coming up in four years.

[E]

Yeah, yep. No doubt. We've been in Austin about four years. That makes sense. That checks out. So what do you do for work, Eric Lopez?

[Q]

I'm a mail carrier.

[E]

Really?

[Q]

Yep.

[E]

Okay. And you're a veteran?

[Q]

Definitely.

[E]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

Not like these other guys that just look like they've been in the military. The guy that looks like he hasn't

[E]

been in the military was actually in the military. This is incredible. What did you do there, exactly?

[Q]

I was a avionics Marine. Worked on F18s.

[B]

Thank you.

[E]

Amazing, amazing. What did you do?

[A]

You like fixed.

[E]

Fixed planes? Mechanic.

[Q]

They call me the lab rat. Pretty much the components that broke on the F18. I just. I guess I did technical. Technical whatever. I fixed the.

[M]

Dude,

[Q]

I troubleshoot. I troubleshoot. Yeah, my fault. That's what I meant.

[E]

Okay. I love it. Did you kill anybody? No, but the F18s did.

[Q]

Yeah. Yeah, they fucked up some shit.

[A]

Yeah, you're goddamn right.

[E]

Was it a tough transition for you to come back to society? How long were you overseas for?

[Q]

I did just one tour of Iraq. Okay, not that long.

[E]

All right. I did six tours of Australia.

[Q]

Oh, God.

[E]

Comedy tours.

[Q]

I think. I think Red band did a tour of Italy.

[A]

Yeah, he did, you fat bastard. Aha.

[E]

You fucking. Hell.

[A]

Yeah, he had an Iraq of ribs. He's never Iran in his life.

[E]

That's him. Little piggy boy. So, Eric, now you're a mail carrier. What's it like out there being a mailman nowadays? Running away from dogs and whatnot?

[Q]

Oh, that's probably the scariest one, that Chihuahuas.

[E]

They're about to get deported, so.

[A]

All right.

[M]

Yeah,

[E]

Okay. What do you do for fun, Eric, when you're not doing stand up?

[Q]

Oh, shoot. Just get at the house. Oh, you know what? I think I picked up on this one, man. I started cooking, like, doing smoking stuff and everything, so.

[E]

Okay. You got a little smoker.

[Q]

Yeah.

[E]

All right. What are you cooking in it?

[Q]

Brisket, ribs. All the good stuff.

[F]

I love it.

[Q]

All the sex stuff.

[E]

Love it. Fuck, yeah. Rick Glassman. What do you think about this?

[B]

I was just wondering if. If you do pastrami.

[Q]

Pastrami? No,

[E]

Rick's a Jew.

[J]

Excuse me?

[E]

Rick's a Jew.

[B]

Oh, they know. That's why casinos won't work over there. Now, I have a question.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

When you were doing your thing and it was great, but you were talking about fixing F18s and that we had a guy named Maverick and I was just picturing like, what that movie? And then it's like, what was your job position? You're like, they call me the Rat. And it's like, wouldn't they hire like a proper engineer or something? Or they're like, the Rat will do it for half the price. Let him fuck up these F18s. What does that mean? And did you fix anything with tape? One sec.

[A]

No.

[Q]

A lab rat. That was a lab rat. I was like an air conditioning unit. Everybody's out in the fucking flight line.

[B]

And he's like Leonardo and teenager Ninja Turtles 3.

[E]

Okie dokie. Tony.

[A]

Eric. Oh, you don't have to toss back to me. I just take it at that point.

[E]

Eric, what scares you in life? What are you afraid of in this world?

[Q]

Immigration.

[A]

Wow. Really?

[E]

The second Lopez to be anti immigration

[A]

on this show tonight.

[E]

I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I'm glad you voted anyway.

[L]

So

[E]

other than immigration, what scares you? Because you seem like, you know, you're a war veteran. You've been around. You're a guy with a smoker. You're like a real man.

[Q]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

What scares you? Is there something where you're like, oh,

[A]

no, there's something that you see where

[E]

you're just like, oh, shit, no.

[A]

God, no. Oh, fuck that, man.

[Q]

Just. Just like your normal things. Like, if I see a rat going, I'll be like, it'll startle me. Something like that.

[B]

One of your own.

[E]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Rat.

[E]

Did you see a lot of rats?

[Q]

When I was in Iraq, I was in the picture. I take a flashlight, be like, make sure no spiders, no rats coming around or anything. Yeah.

[E]

Hell yeah.

[F]

Jeff, I'd like to just know what else you write about, like in your act. What else do you talk about?

[Q]

About being Mexican.

[F]

You seem really likable. Like, I like just listening to you seem like a very loving thing. You're talking about fucking Tom Brady. And yeah, I'd like to hear more, but just wanted to know.

[E]

There is a two and a half hour long roast of Tom Brady on Netflix.

[Q]

Yeah, I was in

[A]

Amazing.

[E]

We were just talking about the home of Goodyear and he's wearing a bad day shirt. Did you notice that?

[I]

I.

[B]

Honest to goodness, I forgot I was here.

[O]

Good year.

[E]

Good. Eric, we like your style here. You're getting a big joke book. There you go.

[A]

Eric Lopez, ladies and gentlemen.

[F]

Good work.

[A]

This next one is inside. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe it is one of the.

[E]

Oh, there's another Lopez song from the band. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe she works here with the Kill Tony squad. Ladies and gentlemen.

[A]

Make some noise for a everybody. A. I do believe it's one of our own. One of the many producers that helps put the whole damn thing together. She's probably taking off a headset. Make some noise for AI everybody.

[N]

Oh my gosh.

[D]

It's bright. It's a lot of light. Shout out Thomas Edison. He would have loved Fleshlights. No, it's cool. Not good with guys. I don't know. Like a guy isn't gonna tell you, but I know I'm not good at hand jobs just cause all my protein shakes are clumpy and like. Like I want to get better, so I'll just like watch porn, but like for educational purposes, obviously. And all I've learned is that I like incest porn because like, at least, you know, they love each other, right? I don't know. I guess I'm just a romantic. And it sucks being a romantic because like, I won't see red flags in guys. Like, I won't see a guy with dyslexia. I'll just see a guy who knows a little bit of German. Or like, I won't see a guy with anger issues. I'll just see a guy who can protect me from drywall. It's. It's not. It's not good at all. But.

[I]

Wow.

[A]

That. That is what we love. A star is born, ladies and gentlemen. Aya Tony.

[D]

Okay, Amazing.

[E]

Welcome, welcome. You work here on the Kiltoni production team. We've never really gotten a chance to talk and so. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[D]

Like two years.

[E]

And how old are you?

[D]

22.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

22 years old. That's how old I was when I started. How old were you when you started, Rick?

[B]

24.

[E]

And how old were you when you started, Jeff?

[F]

I'm not good at the math part of this.

[B]

How long ago was it? I'll do it.

[F]

Okay. 2005. And I'm 41.

[B]

Six years.

[E]

You were.

[B]

You don't. It doesn't matter how Old you are. If it's 2005, it's been 19 years. What does it matter how old you are?

[F]

You go backwards.

[B]

Oh, 23.

[F]

There you go.

[B]

Today I say. Oh, go ahead, Tony.

[A]

I welcome, welcome.

[E]

So you started at 20 years old. What's your ethnicity?

[D]

I'm African. I'm Moroccan.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Yeah, So I can. I can hang out in the sun if you want.

[E]

Nice. What are Moroccans known for other than their percussion instruments?

[D]

Phosphate. We have phosphate. We have good food.

[E]

Phosphate.

[A]

What's phosphate?

[E]

That is, that's what.

[A]

No worries.

[E]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

That's quite the reach.

[E]

Redband.

[D]

Thanks, Red band.

[B]

I could see what's happening they don't have a clue we'd fall in love and here's the bottom line Hit it. Our trio's down to two. Tony.

[E]

Okay.

[D]

No, I like that movie a lot. It's a good movie. The Lion King. Respect.

[E]

Absolutely.

[D]

You have good taste in movies.

[E]

Absolutely. 100%. Aya. What does a 22 year old do nowadays? What are you guys up to? What's going on with 20?

[D]

Well, like, I don't want to speak on the behalf of all of them, but I really like poetry. I've been reading a lot of poems. I like looking at art. I like to make bread. I love looking at dogs. I used to breed Dobermans.

[E]

Used to breed them?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

How do you do that? What do you do?

[D]

So you really. You just get a male and a female Doberman?

[B]

It doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter.

[F]

Very conservative.

[B]

Just two dogs. Just two dogs.

[D]

No, no. I've tried it so many different ways.

[B]

You haven't met my mother in law,

[A]

Tony, again, you don't have to toss it back to me at the end. You could just say you've never met my mother in law and then I'll take over naturally.

[D]

What's your glasses prescription?

[A]

Oh, wow. A question for Rick Glassman. You could kiss the next four minutes goodbye, everybody. Here we go. Hey, I thought you'd never ask. Let me put on a mustache and answer it for you.

[D]

Okay?

[B]

Don't tell me I have to stick with the. This is my guess.

[O]

Huh?

[B]

The left eye and the right.

[E]

Two of my favorite members of tlc.

[D]

Is that like. What kind of wool is that?

[E]

Okay, enough of the questions.

[A]

A. Enough of the questions.

[E]

There you go.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[E]

Thank you, Rick. There he goes.

[A]

You know what that bell means?

[B]

I should talk more.

[A]

I know.

[B]

You know, when I first got my glasses prescription.

[A]

Profound.

[E]

You know, it's like, okay, they don't

[O]

want to hear everybody.

[E]

Thank you. Thank you, Rick. Thank you.

[A]

So I.

[E]

Tell us more about you. Do your parents know you do stand up?

[D]

Yeah, but they don't understand it. It's very confusing.

[E]

Yeah. What do they do? What do they like?

[D]

My mom, they're like. They're super Muslim. They mostly pray. Like. Like, they're like. But they're not, like, that good at it. You guys are safe. Like, you guys, they could hang. My. My mom, she had, like. She. She teaches a lot of Ethiopians. Arabic. She loves Ethiopians.

[E]

And.

[D]

Yeah, she's. She's cool.

[E]

Jeff died.

[F]

It's hard to have sex in Morocco.

[D]

No, it's not.

[F]

It is.

[E]

What do you guys. What do you mean?

[F]

Yeah, I've been to Morocco and I met a lady, and she was like, we can't go to your hotel.

[B]

She just know. Yeah, yeah, you guy. You know, the women in Morocco aren't allowed to fuck you. Otherwise we'd be there in a second. Jeff, get a clue.

[J]

Tony.

[F]

No, no, sincerely. I met a chick.

[D]

It's true. You have to bring up.

[F]

We couldn't go to the hotel. And then she's like, but I know a place. And we drove crazy in separate automobiles to, like, miles and miles away. And then she got in. This is a true story. I probably shouldn't share. And then she hit, like, a button in this weird place, and all the windows closed, like, from the things. And then we were kind of locked. I had to go in separately, and we did the deed.

[D]

How much did it cost you?

[F]

Nothing.

[D]

Nothing. Oh, it's free. Cool.

[E]

No, they have.

[D]

There's, like, sex trafficking there.

[K]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what you were saying.

[F]

It's a fair question. I paid for sex. Don't get me wrong.

[D]

No, yeah, it's. No, but you're right. You do need to bring a marriage certificate. If you want to get a hotel with, like, someone of the opposite side,

[F]

just go to my hotel.

[D]

You know, you guys should have just told them y' all were cousins or siblings. They would have let you all see.

[F]

I don't think they'd have bought it.

[D]

Really?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Half siblings, maybe.

[F]

I don't know.

[D]

You and I could be related.

[B]

Why wouldn't they buy it?

[F]

Because she didn't look like me. What? She had a mustache.

[B]

Go ahead, say, what does she look like? And why does that matter?

[A]

Okay. All right.

[F]

I. I was just saying it's hard to have sex in Morocco. That's all I wanted to ch.

[D]

I thought you meant, like, technically.

[F]

No. You know, very.

[K]

Yeah.

[F]

Very standard.

[D]

No, yeah, it's pretty much I have all the parts still.

[F]

Yeah, well, I regret sharing.

[E]

What were you doing in Morocco in the first place?

[F]

I had a travel TV thing on NBC.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[F]

I went to Morocco and I was like, this is going to rule and then it's suck.

[E]

Do you go to Morocco a lot sometime?

[D]

Yeah, I was like there two years ago or like last summer.

[E]

Parents are at.

[D]

No, no. Well, that's where sometimes they go there and they leave me for some time.

[B]

But who watches you?

[D]

They.

[B]

Well, they put on a little Lion King.

[D]

No, no, they don't know what that is.

[E]

No, they're very serious people. It sounds like.

[D]

Oh, yeah, super serious.

[E]

What in the world? How long have you been working with the whole Kill Tony crew here?

[D]

Like over a year now.

[E]

And so how does someone from parents that pray all the time?

[D]

Yeah, like, I didn't wear T shirts until I was 19.

[E]

Wow, amazing.

[B]

Just always naked.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Topless.

[E]

Amazing. So do you think that this is kind of your version of being kind of like a rebel? I mean, stand up comedy, free speech and everything that has to do with everything that you're a part of kind of is so. Seems like the opposite of what your parents would be into. Did they ever.

[D]

Well, I think I'm just being myself.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

And you guys don't have to clap for that. But no, I don't think I'm really rebelling. I try to. I care about them and what they think about me and so I just try, I try to be a good kid.

[E]

Yeah. How often do you perform stand up comedy? Do you work hard at this?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, at least a few times a week.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You're really funny.

[D]

Oh, thank you.

[E]

Do you love it? You love it?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I love stand up.

[E]

Is this what you want to do?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Amazing.

[A]

You know what I'm gonna do, Aya? I'm going to consider you the new newest golden ticket winner on the show. Thank you. Yeah, that's sweet. That's sweet. 22 years old, you're here in the comedy capital, you're part of the Kill Tony unit. I just don't see how you're not going to end up being one of the biggest female standup comedians of all time. And you're going to get to do more spots here. We're going to get you in the mix. This is the part where Red Band invites you to the secret show.

[D]

Yeah. I'll see you on Thursday.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

And even though you probably have a bunch of these here, you already have one, your newest golden Ticket winner. I, ladies and gentlemen. Boom.

[D]

Yeah. Tony's a nice guy, really respectful and stuff. No, yeah, thanks.

[A]

There she goes. Aya, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, how cool. I just don't see how she can be stopped. She's already two years in 22.

[E]

She's got a whole thing going on naturally.

[A]

Funny.

[E]

So it has begun.

[A]

Legends are born on the show. And it is time for the return of one of the great, biggest legends of all time in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while since we've seen this man. He is indeed a kill Tony hall of famer. I've been very excited about the long awaited return. One of the greatest roasters in this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed David Lucas.

[C]

Yeah. All right. Hey, that Diddy shit was crazy, man. That motherfucker was putting GHB in the baby oil. I'm like, that gotta be the craziest way to get raped, you know what I'm saying? This mad motherfucker massage you into the rape and you wake up the next day. I hate. I never was able to go to a Diddy party because I know them hors d' oeuvres were off the chain, you know what I'm saying? Like. Like Diddy would have got me with the food. I would have. I would have been in that bitch eating exotic cheese. It's like y' all said this was ostrich. I would ate some of that food and been in his fucking closet with one of his robes on, dancing. Like, a thousand bottles of baby oil is crazy to me, bro. It is like Diddy had so much oil at his house that Biden ordered a drone strike. It's like, what the. Like, I feel if you got a thousand bottles of anything, you should go to prison, no questions asked. You know a nigga. A thousand bottles of black pepper, take your ass to prison. Tony was probably at the prison with bail money to get Diddy out. But I ain't gonna lie though, bro. I swear to God, I would buy a baby. I would buy a bottle of baby oil by sorrak. You know what I'm saying? Like cherry flavor or as black people call it, red. You know what I'm saying? All right.

[A]

David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of baby oil. David has a thousand bottles of olive oil.

[C]

Tony, I'm so glad Trump won.

[A]

Yeah, cuz, you want to. You want to make America cake again?

[C]

If Trump would have lost, you would have had to sell that your ass. You would have started a new onlyfans called Phil Tony. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

That's true. I actually bought the Domain and everything.

[C]

Hell yeah. What's up, Tony? You got Rick Glassman up in this bitch? Yeah, young Howard Stern looking ass nigga. What the fuck?

[B]

That's funny stuff. But Tony doesn't have to sell that pussy anymore because he gets Tony. Upload that pussy.

[A]

Hit it.

[E]

All right.

[C]

Rick Glassman. You got the sweater on of a nigga that got three cats. Shut your motherfucking ass. That motherfucker got three cats and a goddamn ball of yarn in his living room. Fuck you talking about with that dumb ass sweater on, Bitch? You look like one of them kids at the elementary school whose mom is a teacher. You know what I'm saying? Jeff die. I thought that nigga from One Direction killed himself.

[M]

What?

[A]

Why the fuck are you here?

[C]

What the fuck are you doing here, bitch?

[F]

That guy was really hot though.

[C]

I don't understand the joke, but you hot. You like 1987 hot hot. You know what I'm saying?

[F]

I'll take that.

[C]

This look like he just bet $100,000 on Seabiscuit. Your ass

[F]

rich hot. I don't get the jokes here.

[A]

Well, when. When David se Biscuit. He eat biscuit.

[C]

This thing is stupid again.

[F]

Glassman again.

[C]

Oh, do Glassman again.

[F]

Look at his ass like this.

[A]

Yeah, this guy looks like he raped pedophile

[C]

Rick. Glassman look like he sit down to pee. Motherfucker, you look like the type of nigga take tissue and pat his dick hole when he done pee.

[F]

Yeah, you look like a fucking idiot.

[C]

Hey, shut your ass up, you bitch ass niggas. You got a motherfucking heart on your shirt, nigga.

[A]

What the fuck?

[C]

Look at Rick Glasser boy, your ass goofy than a motherfucker.

[A]

What just happened, Rick?

[E]

What did you.

[A]

What, did you just pantomime that spill his box water? David, it's been forever since.

[C]

It's been forever, dog. I've been on a tour like a. Got too many kids. I got to go see you.

[A]

Do you have another kid?

[E]

You have a new kid?

[C]

Hey, shut up, bro. You going to my up? What you talking about?

[E]

No.

[C]

Yeah, I don't even know what you talking about.

[E]

It's.

[A]

It's been a long time since I seen you. I guess it's an old kid now.

[C]

I miss Tony, bro. I miss you like a motherfucker, bro. I'm glad to see you doing good. When I. When I see you out there at that motherfucking Trump. I was Happy? That a motherfucker.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm like, I can't believe Trump let gays speak for him.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

[B]

Doesn't feel good, does it, Tony?

[E]

It is true.

[A]

You've been at some rallies, too. The hamburger joint.

[C]

I was like, how is Tony gay? All them Puerto Rican men. He's.

[E]

How the.

[C]

That's what he called a booty hole. Garbage. That's why he said, oh, my God.

[A]

How dare you? How dare you?

[C]

That Rick Glass would look like he got a Pokemon collection. That motherfucker look like he got a $10,000 Pokemon card.

[B]

I will say, I do sit to pee a lot of the time, and I do collect the gathering cards. You are hilarious.

[C]

I just wanna slap this nigga. I don't know.

[A]

Tony.

[C]

Jeff Dye, nigga, get on. Jeff Dye, motherfucking ass boy. You out here with the haircut of a single white mother. Boy your ass. You look like a white mother from a divorce that's doing well for herself now. She. She got a job in finance, raising her three kids right now.

[F]

Do Rick again. Do Rick.

[B]

Do Rick.

[A]

Him up.

[B]

I give up.

[C]

All right, bro. It's all good. Tony. What's happening, baby?

[E]

Life is good. Life is good. I'm just over here thinking about how you look like if

[A]

you can't laugh on a setup like that, it fucks me up.

[C]

I miss you, dog. I just want to hear the setup and I'm a laugh, bro.

[E]

You can't.

[C]

Is that your mouth or your asshole? I can't tell. What's that? Where's the noise coming from?

[A]

How did you know? Ice?

[C]

I know when you fart, it sound like a rescue horn. That shit.

[A]

This is so great. This is like if Whoopi blocked the View.

[C]

Now that Trump is elected, is the View still a thing? What them hoes like, what are they gonna complain about now?

[A]

Oh, man, I don't know.

[C]

Put your hand down.

[B]

I have one.

[C]

I know you probably got a podcast with a fucking tranny as the co host.

[B]

I don't even understand what a joke. Why would that. I don't understand the joke.

[C]

I don't know. Gay Eye for the Straight Guy. I don't fucking know.

[B]

That one I get. And I love it. Now I got one. This isn't really my genre. I don't do this kind of stuff. But, yeah, Whoopi Goldberg thing. I was thinking I could call you. Man, this black dude looks like Sister Mary Clarence Thompson.

[C]

See what I'm saying?

[E]

There you go. The rose.

[C]

That dumbass sweater off.

[E]

The rose Style.

[C]

You are looking like, you know.

[E]

Let's all talk at the same time.

[Q]

I got it.

[I]

Did it.

[B]

Did it not work because it wasn't funny? Or do you guys.

[C]

It wasn't good.

[B]

Let me just ask my question.

[A]

Clarence, you know the answer.

[B]

Does everybody know Sister Mary Clarence?

[C]

Rick Glassman, that problem.

[A]

Okay, Very Rick Glassman.

[C]

You look like you got a peanut allergy. Nigga, your ass. He does that. Died from chick fil A.

[A]

He has the charisma of a man that definitely does his own taxes.

[C]

Rick last. I'm a force that. That la. You know what I'm saying? No, no, never mind, never mind. Go.

[B]

Go ahead.

[C]

No, no. You drink box water. I can't.

[A]

Sister Mary Clarence Thomas over here.

[C]

Do know who Clarence Thomas is?

[B]

Sister Mary Clarence is Whoopi Goldberg in the Sister act movies.

[C]

But see, when you got to explain a joke, it don't work.

[B]

You might be a redneck.

[C]

You might be a fan.

[A]

All right, you guys, are you ever,

[C]

like, found interest in a man?

[B]

I mean, I. I want to watch it. I want there to be penis in my porn. But I'm into the girl.

[C]

This nigga's stupid.

[B]

Don't call me that.

[C]

I don't know what the is going on. Rick Glassford is a He a dumbass, bro.

[A]

Make some noise for the legend David Lucas. Ladies and gentlemen, we're having fun out here. Shit's real. One more time for David Lucas. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mio Love. Everybody. Mio love.

[H]

My minute started. Oh, shit. Look, I'm 34 and recently separated. And for some reason, my right titty, she went cockeyed. That bitch looking like Biggie Smalls. She doing a right face for no reason. I have to reel her back in. And I want to come back to the game with real big dick energy, you know? So I talked to my cousin and she said, bitch, you need to get waxed. It lasts forever and it leaves your skin smooth like a dolphin. So I did. I made the appointment. And there I was, spread like a dolphin. The lady's putting the wax, she's putting the strip. And with no regards to my life or to Jesus, she goes, chin chan choosa. Ma', am, I discovered the connection between your vision and that lip. I went fucking blind. I lost all control of my body and for some reason, I just kicked the lady. Don't feel bad for the lady. She got kicked before because she took it like a champ. She got backed up and she wanted to do the other one.

[E]

Mm.

[G]

Mm.

[H]

At 34, I learned a valuable lesson. You need to love yourself. So right now I'm looking like a yin yang. I got one bushy bush and one smooth like a dolphin, baby. Thank you so much.

[A]

All right, Mio love wild set.

[E]

Hi, Mio.

[H]

Hi, Tony.

[E]

How long you been doing stand up?

[H]

I'm doing four years.

[E]

Four years?

[A]

Where at?

[H]

Killeen, Texas.

[E]

Okay, you are not killing anyone tonight.

[H]

I'm from Garbage Island.

[E]

You're from where?

[H]

Garbage Island.

[E]

Really?

[H]

Puerto Rico?

[O]

Yes.

[E]

You're originally from Puerto Rico and a veteran.

[H]

Thank you to all my vets today.

[E]

I love it.

[A]

Thank you for your service.

[E]

What did you do?

[H]

I was in the army for six years.

[A]

Oh, my God, that is amazing.

[E]

What did you do in the army?

[H]

I was a 92 Alpha logistics specialist. So to all my logistics. Thank you.

[A]

Fuck yeah.

[E]

Look at that.

[A]

Amazing.

[E]

How long have you been in America?

[H]

Well, the army brought me here, so I've been here for 13 years. In Texas. I love Texas.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

Yes.

[E]

Okay. You're saying all the right stuff. Mia love. Amazing. What do you do for work now?

[H]

Veteran, retired. I'm a full time mom. I have two daughters and my oldest daughter is autistic. So I do full care for her.

[E]

Okay, super autistic or like semi autistic?

[H]

She was non verbal. And I would tell you a serious note. When she was diagnosed, they told me me that it was non verbal and she had like mental retardation. Marley talks. Marley. Marley talks.

[A]

Red ban. You hit the party horn for mental retardation. What kind of show is this? An awesome one.

[E]

All right, so they told you that she was non verbal, autistic and mentally. And then what?

[H]

Thank you to all the people that do ABA therapy, to everybody that works for autism. Autism speaks. Autism speaks.

[E]

We love it.

[H]

And she next year is due to start regular school with the regular population. Just with an aid.

[A]

She's non verbal. Let me ask you this. Have you tried taking her to church?

[H]

She's marvel now. Yes.

[A]

Is that what you were gonna say?

[B]

Okay, I was gonna ask what were her first six words?

[E]

I want to become a priest. Okay. Well, that's amazing. What was her first word?

[H]

First words were mama, of course.

[E]

Okay.

[H]

But after that, now it's like, I want cookies. That's all.

[E]

Okay. So she's just like, David Lucas.

[B]

This is great.

[A]

Amazing, amazing.

[E]

What do you. Fun meal. Love. What do you do when you.

[H]

I do comedy since I'm a Full time.

[A]

Other than comedy, though.

[H]

Babysitter time for comedy.

[A]

So I definitely, definitely Puerto Rican. Okay. Still talking there after a blatant

[E]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Just talking whenever you want. What are you, Rick Glass woman? Okay, but let's just talk about it.

[E]

Other than comedy, like when you put your daughters in the cage and want

[A]

to go out for the night, like, what do you do?

[H]

I do come here for more comedy. I come here to the show for the comedy. Mothership is an awesome show. So I really surround myself around comedy.

[A]

Other than comedy.

[E]

There must be something non comedy related.

[H]

Non comedy related. I smoke weed and.

[E]

Okay.

[H]

And I swing in my hammock.

[A]

Nice. Fuck, yeah.

[B]

Being a mom is awesome, isn't it?

[E]

Yeah. Do you have boyfriends? You have like a little Puerto Rican whippersnapper.

[H]

I don't have any boyfriends. I don't know. Let's see.

[E]

Okay, don't look at me like that

[A]

when you say it.

[E]

You're gay.

[H]

Tony. Not at you.

[A]

No way. No way, Jose.

[E]

So I love it. You swing in your hammock, you got two daughters. That's very fun. What else do you talk about in your standup?

[H]

If it's for married couples that want to stay together, it's not the show to watch. For everybody that wants to know the truth, here I am. It's a public announcement every time I teach, every class. We do every other Fridays in Killeen. Ladies, follow me.

[E]

Hold on. What? You do what?

[H]

I do a comedy show every other Friday in Killeen. It's Friday. Late night.

[E]

Married couples.

[H]

No, no. For people that are not married. If you're married, happily married, don't come to my show. I might fuck it up.

[A]

How?

[E]

How do you fuck up married couples?

[H]

Because I do point out everything that is messed up.

[E]

Like, oh, you talk about crazy stuff.

[H]

Crazy stuff. Crazy.

[E]

Have you had a couple divorce in front of you before?

[H]

No, it's my first one, but the guy was crazy. He was Puerto Rican. Of course.

[E]

So again, I have no problems with the Puerto Ricans.

[A]

The joke was about the great Pacific garbage patch. And also, Puerto Rico has a landfill issue.

[E]

You know about this?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

They don't recycle there. Did you know that?

[H]

I know that.

[E]

Okay, very good.

[H]

They just. Puerto Ricans are very proud and we just want you to know that it's a beautiful island.

[A]

I've been there. I love the island. I bicycled around old San Juan. I love Puerto Rico.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Someone make a headline, a news headline out of that so that my mom knows I'm okay. Can someone can Someone put that on msnbc, please. Tony Hinch. Breaking news. Tony Hinchcliffe has been to and loves Puerto Rico. Especially the people of Puerto Rico who have the best sense of humors in the world.

[E]

Thank you. Fuck. Mia love, congratulations. I'm gonna give you a medium sized joke book.

[A]

There she goes. Mia love, ladies and gentlemen. All right, one last bucket pool, then we're gonna put a ribbon on this thing. There she goes. Mio love, we're gonna get one more comedian up here. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. A lot of names here. David Joseph Peter Sullivan, everybody. Four named comedian. Oh, my goodness. Make some noise one more time for the kill Tony debut of David Joseph Peter Sullivan.

[I]

Yeah, I just moved to Austin. I was going to redownload the dating apps here. First thing that came up when I searched dating apps. Chispa, a dating app for Latinos. That shit's crazy. I mean, come on. Look it up if you don't believe me. I mean, who.

[B]

Imagine.

[I]

Imagine Cracker, a dating app for white people. You'd get fucking shot. Like, Like. I guess this is no longer Biden's America. This junk America.

[P]

Whatever.

[I]

Whatever the fuck you want to consider it. But I was thinking about it. Shit. Like, what if I created an app for fucking gingers? So I did. And we've got. We've got five users now. We're few and far between. My only match is two people. One of them's in Scotland and one of them lives back where I'm from in Portland. And I may or may not be related to them. That's my time. Thank you, guys.

[A]

David Joseph Peter Sullivan.

[E]

Four first names on this motherfucker.

[A]

Is that your real name?

[C]

Yeah.

[I]

The middle names are my grandfather Joseph and Peter. Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Incredible. Was he also.

[I]

I just thought it would be funny. Sorry, I didn't.

[E]

Was he also a redhead?

[I]

I think he was. He died like a long time before I was born.

[E]

Right?

[I]

Or one of them died a long time before I was born. The other one died like two years before I was born.

[E]

Right? Yeah.

[I]

Sorry.

[E]

Rick Glassman.

[I]

It's okay. It's not your fault.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Got away with that one.

[E]

What is that? The soundboard? Okay. David Joseph Peter Sullivan. What's it like looking like you explain

[A]

to us what a normal day is like.

[E]

First you wake up, you immediately, you know, you go over and I'd imagine you open your blind a little bit and you're just like, ah, the sun, right?

[A]

It's just like. Just creeps you the out.

[I]

I don't belong In Austin, Texas. Like I belong on like a cold, dreary island.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

And in Northern.

[E]

Yeah, Europe.

[I]

I don't belong here, right? No, it's not a lot of us here, I'll tell you that much.

[A]

How are you surviving?

[E]

Do you carry an umbrella around with you?

[I]

I've only been here like a month and a half, but yeah.

[E]

Okay. Where'd you come from?

[I]

Portland, Oregon.

[E]

Oh, Portland, Oregon.

[I]

I was born. Born and raised in Portland.

[E]

Yeah, right. Great place.

[I]

It's all. It's not that great.

[E]

Dumpster fire.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay. So what do you do for work

[I]

in Portland? I worked in like finance in a country club. And then here I was a FedEx driver for two and a half weeks.

[E]

What happened?

[I]

And then I quit because that shit.

[E]

Why?

[I]

Because it just fucking sucked.

[E]

Tell us more about.

[I]

I delivered like around here, like to the Google building and like a bunch of apartment buildings and it just fucking sucked. So I quit. And like I have savings so that like I can, I can pay rent.

[E]

How much, how much did you save exactly?

[I]

Like before.

[E]

Thousand five hundred.

[I]

Pretty close.

[E]

Yeah.

[L]

Yeah.

[E]

How close?

[I]

It was like 13, 250. I'm not wealthy. Like that's not enough money to live on.

[E]

Oh, it's okay.

[I]

Yeah, well, I mean it's gonna run out, you know.

[E]

Yeah, you're doing just fine.

[A]

I'll get a redhead.

[I]

I'm trying to get another job.

[A]

Do you have any pets?

[E]

I have a dog. Yeah? What kind of dog?

[I]

He's a German shepherd, border Collie. He's like £85.

[A]

Do you like turtles?

[I]

I'm neutral. I'm neutral on turtles. I don't know, I don't know where that's coming from, but.

[B]

Get older, dude. Get it.

[E]

You had a joke about a red headed dating site, but have you ever actually ever been with another redheaded person?

[I]

No, because I feel like if I would, it would remind me too much of my sister. So I have.

[E]

Your sister is also a redhead?

[I]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Wow. Amazing. Absolutely incredible.

[I]

The bloodline round you make a baby

[E]

with a blonde girl. Does it come out with a orange hair? Okie dokie.

[A]

All right. That was a real sister.

[E]

Mary Patterson Terrence Clarence Thomas Junior. Okay. What would we be surprised to know about you, David Joseph Peter Sullivan?

[I]

I'm technically a British citizen.

[E]

How did that happen?

[I]

No, it's not nice. Sorry, sorry. You're way more important than me. Worst country on earth.

[E]

Tell us about it. Go ahead.

[I]

Well, my mom's a British citizen and then she moved here and she never got her citizenship, so. I'm technically a British citizen.

[E]

Sounds like your mom's going bye, bye real soon.

[I]

Yeah, I do actually have a kid, which is crazy.

[E]

You have a kid?

[I]

Unfortunately.

[E]

Wait, you have a kid? Yeah.

[A]

You have a child?

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

You shot semen out of your penis into a vagina and made a human.

[I]

Allegedly.

[E]

Oh, my God. How old is this kid?

[I]

She would be.

[E]

Audience is shocked.

[A]

By the way, for those of you just listening at home, sometimes the audience

[E]

mics don't pick up everything.

[I]

No, nobody, nobody wants to have sex with the redhead. It just sort of like happens, you know? Like she. She's about two years and two months.

[B]

I've never met it.

[E]

Yeah. The baby is born, Rick.

[B]

It was a FedEx joke, Tony.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

And which she.

[A]

I've never met her. You've never met her?

[I]

No, I don't.

[E]

How is that possible?

[I]

Like. Like the. The mom doesn't want me to meet her, so.

[A]

Oh, you've never met the daughter. Okay, I see. I thought maybe this is some kind of glory hole action or something like that. Like, you never met the woman that you impregnated? Was this a one night stand? No.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

How long were you with this girl for?

[I]

Well, I mean, like, we don't. We don't fuck, all right? We only had sex like. Like four or five times. And it was like. It was like two and a half weeks. And then she got pregnant. Well, she told. She told me she couldn't get pregnant. Like, she told me she was infertile.

[E]

So you was like.

[I]

Well, I wasn't worried about it, just

[A]

giving her the old Boston cream.

[I]

Well, she told me she couldn't get pregnant.

[E]

That old red headed fucking jelly bean

[A]

over here just blasting away. She told you she.

[E]

She couldn't. Oldest trick in the book.

[I]

I know. I.

[A]

And there you are, just your red pubes just flying around the room, just.

[I]

I fell for it.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Old Red Nut Jenkins over here.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, my God, you fell for it.

[A]

So did you blast inside of her

[E]

all five times that you had sex with her? You may have gotten lucky.

[A]

You could have had quintuplets.

[I]

I think so.

[E]

I don't know how it works.

[I]

No, it's just the one.

[A]

Just once.

[E]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Not.

[I]

Not quintuplets.

[E]

It's just the one, right?

[A]

No, I'm saying you only came inside

[E]

of her one time.

[I]

I think it was every time.

[A]

Every time.

[I]

I mean, I was. I was. I was 21 years old. Like. Like I. Like I'm fucking ginger. Like, she told me she couldn't get Pregnant. And I was like, fuck it. This is awesome.

[P]

And then.

[I]

And then. And then she got pregnant, and it's Oregon. Like, she's like, the baby lives in Oregon, and, like, abortion's legal. So I was like, hey, you should get an abortion. She's like, nah, I don't feel like it.

[A]

Like, I don't feel like it.

[I]

Pretty much, yeah.

[E]

Oh, she tricked.

[I]

She did trick me.

[A]

How ugly is she?

[I]

How ugly? Yeah, I don't. I don't know. She's like. She's probably like an Oregon six, but like an Austin, Texas, like, two.

[M]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, my God. I cannot believe she will not introduce you to your own child.

[I]

If she sees this.

[F]

She wants to kill Tony.

[I]

God, I hope not too.

[E]

Well, she's probably.

[I]

I seriously doubt she does.

[E]

She's probably.

[I]

She's too busy, like, raising a child. So, like,

[A]

You say it like it's not your child. She's too busy raising your child.

[I]

Biologically, she's mine, but, like, emotionally, like, spiritually, she's not. So, like, wow.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. A man. Golden ticket.

[F]

Golden ticket.

[E]

My goodness.

[A]

So you are just completely checked out. You have completely given into the fact

[E]

that you will not be a father to this child.

[A]

It is amazing to see one of the whitest comedians on the show be so. Such a black father.

[I]

I knew that was coming. I would.

[B]

I would.

[I]

I would love. I would love to.

[A]

John D's and D Madness shaking their head no at the same time. Never gets old to me.

[I]

I mean, I would. I would love to, but. But it's either. It's either spend the next 16 years of my life in Eugene, Oregon, or. Or just do what I want to do.

[A]

Right?

[I]

And Eugene, Oregon for.

[A]

I went.

[I]

I went to. You know, I went to. I went to University of Oregon. Go Ducks. I guess number one in the country in football right now. Fuck. But. But it's a shithole. It fucking sucks. Eugene, Oregon. Fuck that place. It's either spend my life there or do the shit I want to do.

[E]

We understand the dilemma.

[A]

Jeff dies.

[L]

Yeah.

[F]

I just saying, this is. You guys can scoff all you want. That's very progressive, what he's saying.

[A]

Yeah. Why would I have this baby?

[F]

I'll just do what I want, but, you know, it's the same.

[A]

This is.

[F]

I've heard this from chicks. This is a tale as old as time.

[I]

Yeah, I guess. I mean, I feel terrible about it, like.

[E]

You do?

[I]

Oh, yeah, big time.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Amazing.

[I]

Like, it weighs heavy on my mind. Yeah. All the time.

[A]

You've probably created one of the Best strippers in the future though. Red band, red band. Will Redband. Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen. Here she comes, Firestorm, everybody. Here comes a little.

[I]

Here's the pre.

[A]

Here she is, Cherry pie, everybody. A little better red than dead. Ladies and gentle, get out those wads. Make it rain, put out the fire as. Here she comes. Little redheaded fatherless girl. All, it's Samantha Joseph Peter Sullivan Jenkins Fitzgerald. Coming to the stage, Cherry McFire pot.

[I]

She doesn't have my last name.

[A]

Here she is, Helena Hogwarts, everybody.

[I]

That was good.

[A]

She's swinging on the fire pole.

[E]

How.

[I]

That was good. That was good. She doesn't have my last name though, so.

[A]

Well, I mean, thank God for that.

[I]

I don't even know if she has red hair or not.

[A]

Like, you don't know if she has red hair?

[E]

You've never seen a picture?

[I]

No.

[E]

You've never. Have you ever tried to reach out to the mother?

[I]

Yes.

[E]

And she says no?

[I]

Yes.

[E]

Why would she say no to you?

[I]

Because she hates me.

[E]

Why does she hate you?

[I]

Because I. I told her, get an abortion. Because. Because I. I told her, okay, I hate you. Why would you lie to me? Why? Like, why would you do this to me? And she's like, well, if you don't want to be a father, then just off.

[A]

And that's what I did.

[E]

Wow. Yeah, that sounds like you got tricked all the way.

[I]

I don't even know if she has red hair or not. Like that is like weighs heavy on my mind. Like it's not a good thing.

[E]

Like

[F]

golden ticket.

[A]

No, no, no.

[I]

This is, this is not the way that children are supposed to be born.

[A]

Like, I'll tell you why.

[I]

This is why.

[F]

Abortion.

[A]

Since you're a sweet little cinnamon boy, I'm going to send you off with some cinnamon. Zippix nicotine, toothpicks. Zip.

[E]

More smoke glass.

[A]

You guys want me to call the mom? I don't think that's a great idea. I don't think it's a great idea. Here's a big joke bug with some cinnamon Zippix toothpicks.

[I]

Thank you guys, I appreciate it.

[A]

There's no way she would pick up.

[I]

I don't even have her phone number.

[A]

Wow. Of course you don't. He's a red beat dad.

[I]

Roll Tide baby.

[A]

There he goes. David Joseph Peter Sullivan, ladies and gentlemen. Up medium red machine. Which could only mean one. There's only one place to go after that. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you the record holder for all time appearances on the show, interviews on this show hall of Famer. It is indeed the Memphis Strangler. The vanilla gorilla. The Van Nuys Nigerian. The American Spirit salutatorian. This is the one, the only, the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

[K]

It's kind of really weird because I matched with this ass on a redheaded dating website. So I don't know what the fuck

[Q]

he,

[K]

Jimmy Kimmel, cried on his show the day after the election. And I don't know if it was because of Trump's victory or the fact that he had 112 viewers. But seriously, it was kind of ironic when the tears made his black face run. Okay, let's keep moving. So I'm actually working on a movie. It's basically the pot of little giants, but instead of Little League football, it's a man who competes in women's swimming. I mean, this is a true underdog story. Against all odds, he sets multiple world records. It's called Big Booty Bitches in Bikinis, Volume four. You know, the worst is when you intend on handing out Halloween candy, but then you get so high you eat it all. And then you remember you inserted razor blades. All right, anybody here a fan of riddles? Y' all like riddles? Here's what. Here's one for you. I heard this the other day.

[B]

Who let the dogs out?

[A]

Okay, that's my time, William. Lights out. Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

[E]

I love a good nobody's watching Jimmy Kimmel joke.

[K]

Yeah, that was all that right off the bat. Seemed weird with the crowd. It scared me.

[E]

And literally nobody is watching it. It is incredible.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

It is just an absolute fact.

[K]

Yeah. Gosh. And, Tony, I have been. It's really scary. I didn't tell you last week, but I got visited by a ghost or something in my apartment. Tony, again, I've been playing a bunch of Call of Duty recently, and I was laying on the chair, thinking about starting to play Call of Duty. And I'm laying on the chair, and my girlfriend is sitting beside me, and my shirt does this. Pretty scary.

[M]

And then.

[K]

And then I'm at my cousin's house. Tony. This past weekend in Charlotte. I was in Charlotte. And by the way, I won't get too close to y'.

[B]

All.

[K]

I feel I'm very sick. I was very worried about Charlotte, but I somehow made it through. But, Tony, I've been doing this thing where I ask people what their heritage is. Are you Native American? I've just been doing some crowd work with that. And then I'm talking to my cousin Trey and They have one of the big speakers that's like the Google equivalent of an Alexa. And out of nowhere it says native American heritage. Native American heritage twice.

[E]

Your Alexa said that in Charlotte?

[K]

Yeah, that's what my cousin's Alexa said. And nobody started. It's weird. It's somebody trying to tell me something. I'm just trying to decipher what it means. Why did they say that?

[E]

And you think it was perhaps a native of American ghosts slightly lifted up your shirt a little?

[K]

I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out, Tony, but I swear to God, it seems like it's somebody from the other side trying to communicate something to me. And I'm just trying to figure out what that is.

[A]

Wow. So I'm kind of on a quest now.

[E]

I don't know if you know this, but Rick actually sometimes can channel spirits. I've seen you do it before. I know you're a little bit shy about it. I don't want to put you on blast or anything, but can you perhaps try to channel us spirit and see what happens here?

[F]

I wonder if the spirit will have a mustache.

[E]

Come out and say hi. Hi.

[B]

I think, I think I'm just going to chill out.

[E]

Okay?

[B]

I, I, I don't know how the camera switches are working, but there's about four times tonight that Tony, like, he's my dad, he goes like this. I'm like. And every time, I'm like, am I coming in too hot? And now I'm going to do a spirit bit.

[A]

Yeah, you've you relaxed for a few minutes.

[K]

Please, Rick, I need help, man. Seriously.

[A]

Come on, will you please help? How many of you think Rick should help William right now? Seriously, look at these people.

[E]

Look, look at them. They want it.

[K]

Rick, I'm not doing good, man. Please help me. And seriously, after this, if you want to play Call of Duty, you could also do this at the apartment later, too.

[B]

Oh, I'll. Maybe I will play that black guy in basketball. No, but the thing is, I, I'm just, I don't want to make a. I do, I do do that stuff sometimes.

[E]

You do do that stuff you do

[B]

do is lay it on me play some cherry pie again.

[E]

It's okay. You don't actually have to play cherry pie.

[B]

I don't want to make a joke out of talking to spirits because if I don't see anybody, then it's gonna waste everybody's time. I have a, I, I have a feeling. I have a feeling. I have a feeling it was the girlfriend who was sitting next to you who lifted your shirt.

[E]

That is no. A great prediction. How do you know that's not the case?

[K]

Because it wasn't. She did it. I didn't feel anything, so. And I'm laying and I could have seen if she.

[A]

If she pulled my shirt.

[E]

Native American wanted to just see the Native American ghost.

[K]

I don't know what it is.

[F]

That is the problem with ghosts. It's so subtle. I know the story's never like, if we were just like if this just went. That freak you the out. But that's a terrible story, you know, like, yeah, I be like the cup mo everyone go, right? Cuz that is scary. If you're alone and your shirt goes up. Tough.

[B]

Did you ask how?

[A]

Uhhuh.

[B]

What's the matter? 2:10s, Tony,

[K]

let's get Indian.

[A]

I. Wow.

[E]

So other than the ghost thing, what else has been going on, William?

[K]

Gosh, Tony, it's. Wait, so you really think that's kind of boring though? The story or what were you saying? It's really bothering me right now.

[F]

Why is it bothering you?

[K]

I don't know. Cause it is kind of scary, isn't it?

[A]

No.

[F]

Everything ghosts do is so boring. You know, you'd be like, the other day it turned on the faucet and you're like, yeah, it's probably an old fucking ghost. Never seen water like that before, you know?

[E]

Yeah. What would a Native American. What kind of beef would a Native American possibly have with someone that looks like a Confederate war general?

[K]

I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I hate it, Tony. I hate it. I really do.

[F]

For sure.

[K]

Yeah, it's super scary. I'm dealing with all this. It's almost Thanksgiving, but I'll make it through. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend. Tony.

[P]

I'm.

[E]

I'm exhausted, Alexa. And your shirt lifting up. Has there been any. Anything else? Did you feel somebody poke your hauntus or something like that or.

[K]

I wish, but no, I have.

[A]

Did your.

[E]

Did your Lando lakes melt quickly or something like that?

[K]

Now it's just literally those two things. So I'm trying to just put it all together.

[E]

It's kind of hard. All right, I have a thought. Yes, Rick Glassman.

[B]

I don't know for sure, but you could ask maybe this ghost to tell you a joke and see if it's corny or not.

[E]

Ah, well, that joke was amazing.

[B]

You know what? I do see a ghost. And that's 100 years from now, your ghost. That's going to be haunting this place with the quickest quibs and the funniest one liners I've ever seen. You want to get haunted by Native American boring. You want to get native whatever something. Hey, much like whatever the joke the guy said I didn't land it. But we're here to pitch joke Sometimes we don't always have to be on

[A]

Tony William Montgomery, you did it again. Here's some cinnamon zipping for you, Some nicotine toothpicks. Those are really good. You're gonna love them. Some Zipix for you, some Zippix for you. Nicotine toothpicks. I'm telling you, they're amazing. It's the future. Thank you to Squarespace, Bluechew, prize picks, Game Time, Talk Space and Zippix. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in how loud can this place get for the great Rick Glassman, ladies and gentlemen. Rick, promote some stuff. Give them your website or your podcast or whatever podcast is. You can go ahead, they can hear you.

[B]

My podcast is called Take youe Shoes Off. I am doing a 15 city store starting in January. Go to Punchup Livericklassman. Thank you for having me.

[A]

There you go. It's a hell of a website. Jeff Dye. Make some noise for fucking Jeff Dye.

[F]

Thank you. I have a special special called the Last Cowboy in LA that comes out this Thursday, November 14th. Also I'm on Joe Rogan again this 14th. This Thursday.

[A]

Yes. Big stuff happening. Tickets on sale soon for the stream the two night streaming event of the Heb Center. Our return New Year's Eve and the night before 12:30, 12:31. We're back in arenas yet again.

[E]

Trouble is a brewing.

[A]

Anything can happen. Red Band. You want to say anything to these people? Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy club. Sunset Strip atx.com Love you guys. A lot of fun stuff coming around the corner. Big announcements, big stuff happening. Thank you again. Go check out Adrian Ayapolucci's new Netflix special, the Dark Queen. Check out everything. David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Ari Maddie and William Montgomery. And how about one more congratulations to the newest golden ticket winner, Aya everybody. Thank you guys. Good night. We love you. Thank you.

[E]

Sa.