#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR

Summary

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Kill Tony #697 – RFK Jr + Ari Shaffir (December 24, 2024)

Episode Overview

This high-energy episode of Kill Tony, filmed at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, features a rowdy holiday crowd and an eclectic lineup of stand-up comics. The show is hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, with a star-studded guest panel featuring satirical appearances by RFK Jr. (performed by Kyle Dunnigan) and, later, Ari Shaffir, alongside musical cameos and classic off-the-cuff banter. The improv-heavy night features a blend of raunchy one-liners, crowd work, and playful political and cultural commentary. Regulars and bucket comics dive into themes of sexuality, family, race, mental health, and career struggles.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Moments

1. The RFK Jr. Experience

• Satirical Character: Guest "RFK Jr." is played by impressionist Kyle Dunnigan, who steals the show with outrageous riffs about owl urine, health "advice," and sexual confessions.
• Running Gags: References to fermented owl urine, kangaroo meat, and RFK's fictional “Rockin’ Christmas” album, which includes live-in-the-moment song parodies ("Chestnuts Roasting", "Silent Night", "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer").
• Health "Advice": Offers joke advice on nutrition and sexual health, e.g., “I want you to save your feces and leave it out in the sun... sprinkle that on your oatmeal in the morning. You’ll thank me for it.” (10:21)

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2. Memorable Stand-Up and Interviews

William Montgomery Regular Spot (07:45–15:47)

• Gaming Tangent: William opens up about his Call of Duty camo grind and recent gaming marathons.
• Gross-Out Humor: Jokes about digestive problems in Buffalo, NY. Exchanges (with Tony and RFK Jr.) veer into graphic territory about showers and “doodoo.”
• Awkward Show Encounters: William retells an incident that ended with an audience member crying and leaving: “I look back after, like 30 seconds, and the woman has her hands in her face, and I'm like, bitch, are you crying?” (13:03)
• Health Banter: RFK Jr. playfully diagnoses William’s “sunken eyes” and offers bizarre health cures involving feces and sun exposure.

Sturm Worm's Coming-Out Set (16:41–25:20)

• Confessional Comedy: Recaps recent exploration of his sexuality via lap dances and app hookups; openly discusses erectile struggles and OnlyFans.
• Raw Honesty: “I don't like girls. Not. I do think I like girls, but am I fucked up in the head sexually? Yeah, I've been fucked up in headset for 20 years.” (21:24)
• Bucket Set Critiques: Tony to Sturm Worm: "You're like a rapper that doesn't rhyme." (20:42)

Musical Breaks and Roasting (40:01–43:54)

• Comedy Song: Joe Barnholt performs a guitar-driven “Fucking Santa” song with impromptu crowd and RFK Jr. duets.
• Kyle Dunnigan Tour Plug: Ongoing jokes about self-promotion, with RFK Jr. “endorsing” Kyle Dunnigan’s comedy tour.

Sam Henderson's Ice Delivery Antics (26:18–33:19)

• Misunderstandings: Bit about confusing “podiatrist” and “pedophile,” leading to awkward school moments.
• Life Story: Ice truck driver by day, struggling emotional dater by night. Shares unintentionally dark perspective on quick hookups and feeling “disgusting” after sex.

Law (63:48–73:46)

• Standout Debut: Four-year comic, recently relocated from Baltimore to Austin; deadpan, razor-sharp delivery and social satire.
• Special Ed Teacher Tales: Reveals past as a special-ed teacher in a tough environment, using wild stories involving “restraint holds” and out-of-control students.
• Bookish Side: Reads “urban fiction” and jokes about hood novels (“Whore Son Jones”).

Jamie Lee Simmons (95:18–105:06)

• Dead Dad & OnlyFans: Darkly comic one-liners about sharing a home with her father’s ashes, launching an OnlyFans, and doing topless comedy.
• Relocation Realities: Explains upgrades in dating status from “Miami 4” to “Austin 8,” and her life with four cats. “Why go anywhere when I can stay at the pussy palace?” (100:28)
• STD Preparedness: Talks about requiring men to show papers before sex: “If they're like into you, they'll get tested.” (103:41)

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3. Highlight Reel: RFK Jr.'s Insane Improvs

• On owl urine cures:
  “I’m going to be sipping this fermented owl urine throughout the show... you know owl urine doesn’t taste as good as you think it would.” [05:53]
• Holiday Album Plug:
  “My Christmas album, RFK’s Rockin’ Christmas, is dropping tomorrow at 9:30. I sing all the classics like... ‘Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire’...” [22:24]
• Sexual Fantasies Confession:
  “The whole time he was talking, I was having a fantasy... she was laying on a bed in my mind... and I just Louis CK’d all over her.” [33:29–34:37]
• Advice on donuts:
  “There’s actually a delicious bison donut by me… here, I have some kangaroo meat, if you want to take a bite off that.” [49:37]
• Herpes cure suggestion:
  “Have you tried any owl urine? This cures measles, mumps, and I'm hoping herpes. Please, God.” [50:26]

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4. Ari Shaffir Drops In (87:11–119:43)

• Jewish Representation: Ari storms the stage bemoaning the lack of Jews since “that fateful day on October 7th,” and jokingly demands action on Fentanyl and Middle East hostages.
• Classic Roasts:
  “Your true passion is failure.” [91:00] to a struggling comic.
• Cultural Commentary: Jokes about fighting at comedy shows, San Diego burrito wars, and audience brawls.
• Spirited Banter:
  “That's a hundred years of pussy.” (referring to a band member’s six cats plus Jamie Lee’s four) [102:56]

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5. Running Themes

• Sex and Bodies: Nearly every comic had material or banter relating to sex, sexuality, bodily functions, or gross-out humor. Ass-eating, gay encounters, and “smelly pussy” debates recur.
• Family Dysfunction: Multiple comics riffed on their parents' sexuality, divorces, illnesses, or eccentricities.
• Race and Identity: Comics used humor to discuss Blackness, Biracial identity, and white audiences (“so many white bitches” — Law [65:47]).
• Comedy Inside-Baseball: Several times Tony and guests discuss the agony/ecstasy of stand-up, "bombing," open micers’ delusions, and the grind.
• Music Interludes: Above-average use of live band and comic musicians, with several performances weaving in audience participation and improv duets.
• Absurdist “Health” Advice: RFK Jr. (Dunnigan) constantly delivers medical nonsense as a running meta-gag.

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6. Notable Quotes (Timestamps Included)

• William Montgomery on digestive issues:
  “It's always bad to do… get up off the toilet and you get in the shower to clean off, you got a doo doo again.” – William Montgomery [10:43]
• RFK Jr. health “cure”:
  “Save your feces and just sprinkle that on your oatmeal… you’ll thank me for it.” – RFK Jr. [10:21]
• Ari Shaffir’s rapid summerization:
  “Why did you lead with HEB? …What ethnicity are you? By the looks of your nose, I'm guessing you're Ari Shafird.” – Ari Shaffir [89:43]
• Jamie Lee Simmons on relocation:
  “I'm a Miami four… I'm the one they don’t let in the club.” [97:33]
• Law on his teaching past:
  “You know, it's hard to teach a kid after he called you a negative, you know?” [67:12]
• Taje on his parents:
  “My mama's crazy… she got multiple sclerosis… I think she lying though.” [77:13]
• RFK Jr. on STD cures:
  “Have you tried any owl urine? This cures measles, mumps, and I'm hoping herpes. Please, God.” [50:26]
• Ari Shafir on being Jewish at Kill Tony:
  “Ain't a single goddamn Jew on this show, Tony.” [87:11]
• Ari Matti’s closing set:
  “I eat ass. I'm tired of hiding it. Ladies, don't hide your asshole. My tongue is going up that ass.” [110:45]

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Key Segments & Timestamps

• [07:45] William Montgomery’s regular set and banter
• [16:41] Sturm Worm's “coming out” set and bucket interview
• [26:18] Sam Henderson’s ice-delivery, emotional difficulties, and RFK Jr.’s advice
• [40:01-43:54] Joe Barnholt’s “Fucking Santa” with RFK Jr. and improv music
• [47:33] Simon Perkovich’s sobriety jokes and van-life confessions
• [63:48] Law’s debut – teaching special ed, white women pros/cons, “urban fiction” reading
• [87:11] Ari Shaffir’s grand entrance; “Jewish quota” bit, roasts, and back-and-forth with Tony and RFK Jr.
• [95:18] Jamie Lee Simmons — dad ashes, OnlyFans, cats, dating
• [110:45] Ari Matti’s finale — wild ‘ass-eating’ confessional, kills the room

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Final Thoughts

This episode overflows with riff-heavy crowd work, boundary-pushing humor, and surreal meta-commentary courtesy of standout guests like "RFK Jr." (Dunnigan) and Ari Shaffir. From hilarious explorations of gross-out bodily functions to sharply observed bits on race, sex and stand-up, the panel deftly navigates chaos and hilarity — with Tony Hinchcliffe expertly steering the ship. “Kill Tony” #697 will be remembered as one of the wildest and quickest-moving holiday episodes, jammed with music, absurdity, and relentless punchlines.

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every

[RFK Jr.]

episode of Kill Tony can be found

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony, the uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world. Snuggle up, stay warm. December 30th and 31st with a completely uncensored kill Tony's live from the HB center in Austin, Texas. This is a new super annual amazing event. It is our biggest two night event of the year and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now. Kill Tony live dot com. Get it for your loved ones. Get it for yourself. Love it or hate it. Live December 30th and 31st.

[Red Band]

We are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is redbig coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Countdownie.

[RFK Jr.]

Give it up for Tony Hatchkam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee. Thanks so much for Brian Redband. Ladies and gentlemen. Keep it going for the best damn band in all the land. That's the Kil Tony Band. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo and Carlos Sosa on the horns, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys and the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. Everybody having fun in here tonight. Feels electric. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[Andrew Renaud]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, here we go. This is going to be fun. Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight and one guest only. And I couldn't be more excited about it. One of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. One of the funniest people I know. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great, the powerful. This is RFK Jr. Wow. Live in the flesh. Good to see you again, the great.

[RFK Jr.]

All right. Great to see you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm so glad you're here. RFK Jr. You're one of my favorite

[RFK Jr.]

people, I should probably say that. I can't. I can't stay too long. I. I have a German shepherd slow roasting on my grill that I have to tend to, but I'll be here for most of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm very excited to have you. You've actually been on this show before at the LA Forum. You did, you did a minute. Your wife, Cheryl.

[Joe Barnholt]

How's Cheryl going?

[RFK Jr.]

Who's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you know how it works. And indeed, there is a bucket. I don't know how many signups, usually about 2, 232 tonight. Okay. There's some people missing, maybe home for the holidays or something. 232 human beings signed up tonight inside of this bucket. Absolutely anything can happen. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna let this lucky human in the front pick the first name. Hand it off to me. You don't have to read it, sir. It's okay. There you go. Oh, okay. That's actually a familiar name. We've seen that before. We're gonna go wrangle that person from across the street. They're all at a bar, and because there's so many of them, we can't possibly hold them here, here. So they're going to go get him from across the street while they're waiting.

[RFK Jr.]

Maybe I should apologize real quickly because I'm low on electrolytes and I'm going to be sipping this fermented owl urine throughout the show. And I want to apologize now for doing that. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, you know, owl urine doesn't taste as good as you think it would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Oh. This is going to be epic. And it's going to start with an unbelievable bang. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very, very special episode. Every once in a while, you know, I like to do things a little different. I like to keep the fans on their toes and, you know, mix it up. So while we wrangle your first bucket pull of the night, I would like to present to you your first comic of the night. He is a regular. He is a hall of famer. He is the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews on this show. Some people call him the tyrant of Temecula. The Vermont Vascular vagrant. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine. A brand new minute from the one

[RFK Jr.]

and only William Montgome.

[William Montgomery]

H O T T O G O Hot to go. Sounds like something Hans Kim's mom would say when she's handing a customer food. My Spotify raps as my top song for 2024 was Crop Dusting the funeral home during visitations. The guy who shot the UnitedHealthcare CEO in New York City was caught today at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. Apparently, he was meeting with a Hamburglar to get some tips on poisoning people. I'm planning a bar mitzvah and at the last minute, the rabbi comes, cancels on me because we're not Jewish and I don't have a son. So, yeah, I'm back on the Hamas train.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my time.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William. Lights Out Montgomery, the vagrant of Vermont.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello, my friend. How exciting. You going first.

[William Montgomery]

It was so exciting because, Tony, I haven't. I wasn't able to play any Call of Duty this weekend. I was in Buffalo this weekend, so I am about to play some Call of Duty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at this.

[William Montgomery]

I currently. And Tony. But here's the problem. I currently only have 20. Gold or no, excuse me, 20 diamond camouflages for my guns. I need 33. So I need to get 13 more diamond camouflages this week, Tony, before I go to Indianapolis, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. This is very exciting. I don't know how many. How many of you know this or have been noticing or paying attention to the episodes, but lately William hasn't been screaming that much because he's been having a sore throat. Your throat isn't sore at all this week?

[William Montgomery]

No, it hurts like a donut. But I'm just so excited about Call of Duty tonight. I'm not even kidding. I'm about to play for 10 hours. I'm about to pop a little Adderall, drink some espresso.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[William Montgomery]

I don't know. I mean, it is kind of late. It will. It will be kind of late, but I might tomorrow. I probably will when I wake up tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But. Incredible. The Great. Would you like to. You have any questions or would you like to. To talk to the great RFK Jr here, live in the flesh.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

RFK. So what is going to happen if there's another pandemic or something? Are you going to. Are y' all going to force people to get the vaccinations? I mean, what are y' all going to do there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'LL tell you what I'm going

[RFK Jr.]

to force you to do, because I can see by your sunken eyes you don't have enough iron in your blood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're.

[RFK Jr.]

You're losing blood. And so what I want you to do for me is I want you to save your feces and I want you to leave it out in the sun. And then I want you to just sprinkle that on your oatmeal in the morning. And you'll thank me. You'll thank me for it, trust me.

[William Montgomery]

And that's so weird you say that because when I was in Buffalo this weekend, I ate a whole bunch of the egg rolls with pizza inside and I had really bad shits Today. I'm gonna have to get on my all brand buds. I'm gonna have to do something, Tony. It's really bad. I've doodooed twice today and it's always bad to do. And then when you get up off the toilet and you get in the shower to clean off, you got a doo doo again. You know, that's a. Normally I can get all the doo doo out of me, but to today, they were still inside of me when I got in the shower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How were your shows in Buffalo? How did they go?

[William Montgomery]

Went good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? Oh, my gosh.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, Tony. Oh my gosh. No, it was wonderful. It was the strangest thing. So I'm talking to this table of people. They're sitting very close to the front, and I'm just this guy and this girl and I start kind of aggressively. What's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's. Ow.

[RFK Jr.]

It's fermented owl urine. You know what's tough about it is the owls have a. What's called a colloquial, which is the vagina and the asshole are one thing. So it's. It's more like a vast hole of sorts. And so what I have to do to get the urine is I have to filter out the feces, which you can never get all the feces out,

[William Montgomery]

Weirdly enough. That looks very similar to the antifreeze I was feeding to Red Band's fucking mom to keep her ass sick last year when I was living over at her house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[RFK Jr.]

Yup.

[William Montgomery]

I was giving her fucking dumb ass antifreeze at night, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

And she get real sleepy then Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Making yo mama sleepy. Here he is with a big retort coming. He's grabbed at the.

[RFK Jr.]

So, William, I got this report this

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

weekend that you made a woman cry and she had to leave with her husband. Is this true? Is that what you were getting at?

[William Montgomery]

That was the strangest thing. And I was telling the guy he needs to divorce the woman. I mean, it was the craziest behavior. I was just kind of aggressively talking towards them. And then I look back after, like 30 seconds, and the woman has her hands in her face, and I'm like, bitch, are you crying? And she was crying. And then I kind of went after her stupid ass because it just seems like such weird behavior. And then they ended up leaving and they were trying to steal the drinks as well. They tried to leave without paying for their food. So they were.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were weird.

[William Montgomery]

I don't know. It was very strange.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You told the man, is this your bitch? And then she was crying and then you said, you need to control your bitch.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it was fucking out of control, Tony. He really did. And then they fucking leave. It was fun, though. It really was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that sounds like a good time. I mean, we've been getting these reports about these weekends. You have. This is two weekends in a row.

[William Montgomery]

I know where somebody's crying or there's a big disaster with somebody in the crowd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Cam Patterson]

Like.

[RFK Jr.]

Like my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem very mean to women. Are you gay or something?

[RFK Jr.]

Maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you a little gay boy? Wow, look at Red Band roasting.

[William Montgomery]

I wouldn't tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa. Secret gay man. An in the closet comedian. Wow. You keep that type of behavior up, you might get a Netflix special real fast. William. All right, well, anything else we should know about? About your crazy weekend and your life and everything.

[William Montgomery]

Getting a little better at Tetris? I've been playing Tetris on the Game Boy and, like, the airports and stuff, I'm getting a little bit better. I started looking it up on YouTube. I'm looking up different techniques. I'm seeing how to play. I'm figuring out how to play.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. I mean, what can I say that I haven't said about you a thousand times before? You're a legend. We love you. The new minutes have piled up. You are the record holder. You are the backbone of the show. Red Band thinks you're gay. Yeah, I know.

[William Montgomery]

That's kind of weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is kind of weird. That's a new angle. That's a new angle coming from Red Band. Red Band has figured out that calling you gay is something.

[William Montgomery]

Did you color your beard, Red Band? You got a little color in that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't. Did you do some just for men, Joe?

[William Montgomery]

It looks a lot darker than normal,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta tell you. I did. I put a little bit too much just for Men. It looks so natural. No one can tell. Yeah. You wouldn't know anything about this. I wouldn't, No. I don't have a beard. I cannot grow a beard. There's not enough testosterone in the world for me to be able to grow a beard. I see these. I've seen. I've been seeing these people on like cnn, these trans correspondents, like these women that have turned into men. I saw one the other day, had a full fucking beard. I'm like, this is bullshit. Like, how the fuck are the trans people getting more testosterone into their bloodstream than me? I'm truly jealous of these women becoming more men than I am. Like, I'm a man and I'm on testosterone. And I have a penis and balls. And I still can't grow a full beard.

[William Montgomery]

One day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One day. One day.

[RFK Jr.]

One day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One day. I'll keep my fingers and my legs crossed. Ladies and gentlemen, the show has begun with the stylings of the great and powerful William Montgomery. Where do we go from here? What a way to start. That's normally how you end. It's like a Tarantino film. It started with the ending. And I did meet Tarantino. My new. One of my new best friends. No big deal. Your first bucket pool is a legend, ladies and gentlemen. I remember this guy very clearly. Very interesting human being. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Sturm Worm. How could we forget from years ago? Sturm Worm. One more time for Sturm Worm.

[Joe Barnholt]

You. You.

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah. So about a year ago, I got a lap dance from a guy and I came in. My couple of days later, I downloaded the Grindr app. Within an hour, I was getting head in a parking lot. 10 other messages from dudes within a 1 mile radius begging me to suck my dick. You know, it's always looked like the gays are having more fun. After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that theory is correct. I mean, my life is so gay, I might as well be fucking dudes. Pretty sure I'm not a homosexual. But I can't keep going along with this farce that I'm in some stalemate high with all of y' all for being the straightest motherfucker that's ever lived. Fighting off the gay is exhausting. To tie a ribbon on it from this point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is, Sturm Worm. Everybody just basically kind of just talking about being gay. No real definitive jokes throughout the entire thing. Just kind of kind of coming out of the closet. Is that true? Is that real?

[Sturm Worm]

It's all true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's all true.

[Rick Schneuer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you really did. You got a lap dance from a guy and you're like, I kind of like this.

[Sturm Worm]

I was like, yeah, I gotta go through more with this. And then I went, I did the Tinder thing. I mean, the Grinder thing. And like, it was as lame as every hookup I've had with the girl. Like, it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is all new to you. This is your first gay stuff that's ever happened.

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah, this is like two and a half years ago at this point. This is six months after I was on the podcast last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you were on years ago. I remember you. Something's different though, right? You have facial hair. You had used up.

[Sturm Worm]

Same look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Same look.

[Sturm Worm]

I got a podcast now, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody cares about that.

[Sturm Worm]

Trust me. It's the illness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're making people leave. Sturmo. And please do not promote your podcast. Relax, relax. Let's get back to this becoming gay all of a sudden thing, because it sounds like a lot of fun. We help William out. Okay, you go. Right. Will you help our friend William out? There you go.

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah, I heard, I was cracking. I heard what that whole thing was about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Call back to five minutes ago. Okay, so let's stick with it here. Stirmore. So where did you get this lap dance? From a guy? Where did you possibly.

[Sturm Worm]

I went to gay club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Where were you at?

[Sturm Worm]

Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jersey, man. Okay. What was the name of the gay club? Did it have a name?

[Sturm Worm]

I don't want to. I don't know whether they're supposed to be doing that in.

[Red Band]

In there.

[Sturm Worm]

So I don't want to like air out the name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't, you don't want to get in trouble with your local gay club, right?

[Sturm Worm]

No. Like, I don't know whether that's supposed to be going on in there. So I, I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lap dance?

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah, I mean, it was a dude that worked there. It was like a Go Go dancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Sturm Worm]

Man. It was arousing. I think same gender lap dancers are arousing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, was. But that was your first one.

[Sturm Worm]

That was my first one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that happens. And then you get on you that you sign up for a gay dating app.

[Sturm Worm]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And then what happened?

[Sturm Worm]

Like I said instantly, like, I don't even have a picture up instantly. I'm getting a million messages saying, I'll suck your dick right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And did you take these people up?

[Sturm Worm]

I took one of them up on offer, but it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you go ahead.

[Sturm Worm]

It was, I was, it was like I didn't even get Hard. It was the same problem when I tried to hook up with chicks back in the day. It's just when you're under pressure, it's just tough to get aroused. Like back in the day when Kill Tony was at the Comedy Store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sturm Worm]

When he's at the Comedy Store, there was mad dudes who used to always say that they don't come during sex. That's not a real thing for guys. If you're turned on, you come. Unless you. Unless you purposely don't come. But they weren't not coming. They just weren't getting turned on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like a rapper that doesn't rhyme.

[Sturm Worm]

I could rhyme, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no. Nobody wants that. Do you have a gay voice or is that how you talk to these guys?

[Sturm Worm]

No, this is how much I talk to everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, sorry. I just can't get hard right now. That's your good old Jersey.

[RFK Jr.]

Gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So where did this attempted blowjob happen? The one that you couldn't get hard for? You go to his. You go.

[Sturm Worm]

There was a parking lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A parking lot? Yeah, man. You just do gay stuff in inappropriate places. Have you ever done anything gay where gay stuff should happen? Like a bedroom

[Sturm Worm]

I gave. A week later, I gave a guy head in his bedroom. I don't fucking care. I'm out here, yo. Like, if you sexually suppress, then you're less attractive to girls. Like, I do. I think. I don't like girls. Not. I do think I like girls, but am I fucked up in the head sexually? Yeah, I've been fucked up in headset for 20 years. I've been checked out of the game. I just tried to be a rapper. Didn't work out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

FK Junior.

[RFK Jr.]

This is why we've got to stop with the goddamn vaccines.

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah. Yo, they got. Yo, they got my water out there. Could I get it?

[RFK Jr.]

Hey, hey, Tony, could I plug something? Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[RFK Jr.]

I just want to tell everybody my Christmas album. RFK's Roc Christmas is dropping tomorrow at 9:30. I sing all the classics like. Hold on, I want to. I gotta clear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead. Rfk. Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Jack Frost nipping at your nose A son of a. Come they told me Pom pom pom pom pom pom pom pom Sit back around the fire with your family and enjoy RFK Juniors Rockin Christmas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where can. Where can people find this? Where can people find RFK Junior's Rockin Christmas?

[RFK Jr.]

Silent night, Holy night. God damn it. Probably, I don't know, Walmart or something. Thing

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

so, Sturm Worm, you. You were going to say something?

[Sturm Worm]

Two things. I got a water back there. Could I get it? Heidi was going to bring it to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you need water right now.

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah, yeah. My mouth is man dry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yes, thanks.

[Sturm Worm]

And then the other thing. Thanks. And then the other thing is I have an Only fans. It's a free Only fans. I started like two years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you. What are you doing on this Only Fans? Who wants to sign up for an Only fans where the dude can't even get hard?

[Sturm Worm]

No, no. I show videos how I could actually get hard when. When I'm not feeling pressure. And I show videos when it's all shriveled up. I jerk off it.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I.

[RFK Jr.]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Sturm Worm, this is out of control. Have you written any comedy in the years that we haven't seen you?

[Sturm Worm]

I've been working so hard on my podcast that I have been doing comedy, but I have. I have a zillion comedy minutes. Like, I have. I have 15, three minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a zillion of them. And you came out tonight just talking about whatever the that was.

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah, I mean, to me, I think that shit's funny. I know it's not like joke, joke funny, but like, to me, like, it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

not like haha funny.

[Sturm Worm]

I think it is, but I mean, I guess I have no. No sense of humor. I have a podcast episode called I have no sense of humor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But okay. All right, Sturm Worm. Well, it's been a while since you've been on this show. You know, some. This cool company. I'm gonna give them a shout out called Ghost patch [e-mail] sent us these. It's hard to describe, but it's like an iron missile. And it says, I bombed on Kill Tony and I'm gonna throw this. You gonna catch it. Catch it with your ass. There you go. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun.

[Sturm Worm]

No chance I could rap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes.

[Sturm Worm]

I can't spit a verse. One verse. You could cut me off once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Stirmworm, everybody. There he goes. Stormworm. Did you have one in mind or something? Did you plan for that?

[Sturm Worm]

I mean, what's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you prepare to rap or something?

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah, of course I did. I'm a rapper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's what you did years ago.

[Sturm Worm]

Yeah. You didn't know I rap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been years.

[Sturm Worm]

It's so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here he is. Give him a little beat. Sturm Worm's gonna rap real quick. A one, a two, a one, Two, three, four.

[Sturm Worm]

To the sunshine Brighter if the rain. I started writing rhymes so that I could share my pain. No matter where you're from, man, shit could get real. I was told the sky is blue I see it more as teal. Stuck in a slump, can't seem to find a groove. Catch me out here chasing dreams, Try and make moves. Can't fuck my life every day being screwed, I gotta win. Cause so far all I done is lose lately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Storm Worm. There you go. Stormworm, everybody. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Made everybody placid. We got another bucket pool. You guys ready for another comedian? 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Sam Henderson, everybody. This looks like a new name. Sam Henderson.

[Sam Henderson]

I really, just, really miss being a kid. Just because you were young and dumb, you didn't have to have it all figured out. When I was a kid, I thought. I thought the word pedophile was someone who loved feet. And it really shouldn't have been a problem, but my dad was a podiatrist. Told my whole fifth grade class, when

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I grow up, I want to be

[Sam Henderson]

a pedophile like my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool.

[Sam Henderson]

You guys like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool. Cool.

[Sam Henderson]

I saw a pretty interesting stat online the other day. I don't know if you guys know this. Apparently conservative men consume the most trans pornography. I thought it was an odd way to find out. I'm a conservative. All right, thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Sam Henderson. Getting a joke there in the end. Hello, Sam. How long you been doing stand up?

[Sam Henderson]

I'm pretty new, man. Like a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where at? Where you been doing it at?

[Sam Henderson]

Lexington, Kentucky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lexington. Lexington, Kentucky. Okay. Is that where you live now or did you move here?

[Sam Henderson]

No, I live in Lexington still.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a full size version of the Mayor of the Munchkins? Remember that guy?

[Sam Henderson]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever seen that? Look, look him up on your safari there. Right, Band, you're gonna see what I mean. This is actually quite incredible. Mayor of Munchkinland. That's what I was thinking of. Munchkinland. Look at him. Look at that. I'm pretty spot on here. Anyway, doesn't matter. It's more of a big fan of Munchkin Land joke, I guess. All right. How old are you, Sam?

[Sam Henderson]

27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Sam Henderson]

I work for an ice company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah? What do you do for the ice company?

[Sam Henderson]

I like, drive a truck, deliver ice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Law]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The back is very cold.

[Sam Henderson]

17 degrees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. How long you been Delivering ice for about eight years.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What's the most exciting thing that's happened to you while delivering ice?

[Sam Henderson]

I was in a gas station once while I got robbed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got robbed?

[Sam Henderson]

I didn't get robbed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it got robbed.

[Sam Henderson]

The Wawa got robbed in Philly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wa. What? Amazing. You were in Philly?

[Sam Henderson]

Yeah, I was working out of town in Philly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You were delivering ice in Philadelphia?

[Sam Henderson]

Yeah, we have, like, a bunch of plants around the country. Move around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what happened? What were you doing?

[Sam Henderson]

I was putting ice in the icebox.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you try to stop the robbery? Did you open a bag and put it at the door so they slip and fall or something? I've been watching all the home alones recently, and I. I'm thinking about pranking people. You didn't contribute or help at all with this?

[Sam Henderson]

No, no. I sat down like a little bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. So what type of childhood did you have in Lexington, Kentucky?

[Sam Henderson]

I grew up in Jacksonville, Florida. I was a pastor's kid growing up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A what?

[Sam Henderson]

Pastor's kid growing up. Pretty easy childhood, played soccer. It's pretty standard, I'd say.

[Rick Schneuer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the most exciting thing about your life, Sam Henderson?

[Sam Henderson]

Most exciting thing about my life? I speak Spanish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Might not believe it's a big deal in Lexington, Kentucky. You might be the only person in Kentucky that speaks Spanish. That's absolutely incredible. Can you give us a little example of your Spanish? Can you say something that they. Perhaps the. The band could understand? The horn players over there?

[Rick Schneuer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Listen to those. Oh, you son of a. You son of a. To no bueno at La Comitica. How about that, you piece of shit. I love it. Sam, what's your love life like? You're in Kentucky. You banging your relative?

[Sam Henderson]

I wish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's going on?

[Sam Henderson]

I'm single right now. Gotta have a relationship beginning of the year. Just been doing my thing, trying to do comedy. I've been kind of planning on moving here, so I've been trying to get into any relationship or anything, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you don't want to. You don't want to. You definitely want to not hook up with anybody just in case. If you ever have to move. Austin, Texas.

[Sam Henderson]

Listen, dude, it's not completely dry, but I don't know. I'm. I'm too emotional to, like, always hook up with people like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say you're too emotional, give us an example of what you mean by that.

[Sam Henderson]

It's just like, after I finish, immediately I just feel disgusting, you know, I'm

[Joe Barnholt]

like,

[Sam Henderson]

it May be that, like, the girls aren't hot enough. It may be that, but it's really.

[Sturm Worm]

I don't know.

[Sam Henderson]

I'm like, don't touch me. I want to leave right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, do you. Do you have any tricks to get away or have them get away from you? Is there anything that. That you've said or done right after sex to get rid of the opposing.

[Sam Henderson]

No, dude, I'm not. I'm not mean enough. I just sit there and despair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you just feel disgusting.

[Sam Henderson]

Yeah, usually it's better like it's at their house. You can. You can just get up and leave.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, I feel you, brother. When I know Cheryl wants to make love, I have a panic attack. I worry. I can't finish. You know, guys know this after about six months, it's really hard to. To finish. You know, you've gotta find things in your life, you know, that you. You can take to the bedroom and fantasize. Take, for example, me right now. I. I've been having some fantasies about this woman in the front row, and I feel horrible about it, but I can take that with me and hopefully finish later. So try that, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a little health advice from the great.

[RFK Jr.]

I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you, RFK Jr giving you some really good advice there, Sam. I'm going to give you one of these little joke books. Congratulations, you made it on Kill Tony. There he goes. Sam Henderson, everybody. This is. Is fun. You having fun, rfk?

[RFK Jr.]

No way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Sorry, Tony. I have to apologize because I, you know, I'm doing my amends and secrets keep us sick. And I want to apologize to this woman for sexualizing her like that. I. The whole time he was talking, I was having a fantasy and. And it's just not right. And I apologize. I was. She was laying on a bed in my mind, not clothed at all. And I was. I was above her and I just Louis CK'd all over her. And I. And I. I just want to say I'm sorry to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's beautiful. Beautiful. The new Director of Health. Is that the title? Director of Health?

[RFK Jr.]

Unfortunately, the fantasy didn't stop there, Tony. I then brought her into a tub to clean off my mess. And I was massaging her breasts, of course. And I began to get aroused again. I thought, God damn it, rfk, can you just. This is someone's daughter, God damn it. But I. But I couldn't help myself. And I apologize to you, Miss.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Hope she says you're forgiven.

[RFK Jr.]

Well, you may not when you hear about the rest of my fantasy, you see. No, please, please, please, just let me finish and please don't laugh. This is. I'm trying to make amends here. And secrets do keep us sick. Then what happened was, in my fantasy, of course, she had asked me to tuck my genitalia down under myself so I look like a lady in the front. And then she said that I look like a pretty girl, which, of course, brought a tear to my eye because it was something I always wanted to hear. And then, of course, she came from behind me and kicked me in the nutsack. And I ejaculated immediately. But by the way, I'll be right. I have to change. I'll be right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

RFK junior, ladies and gentlemen, says he has to go change. That's very interesting. Gotta love it. I wonder if there's a microphone back there. And he's gonna keep telling us about the fantasy. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're gonna keep the fun train moving along. This looks like another new name. Make some noise for Joe Barnholt, everybody. Joe Barnholt.

[Joe Barnholt]

Somebody outside told me I look like I play in a Weezer cover band, so that's cool. You guys, I got married. Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Then I got divorced. Hey, there's always a little bigger cheer for that one. Statistically, that makes a lot of sense. So don't cry for me, though. I got the house in Tahoe and the divorce. And by that, I mean I live in my Chevy. My ex and I are actually still good friends. Turns out she's a lesbian. Not saying that like a vindictive man. Like, she's actually a lesbian and people ask me, joe, was there any indication, anything that would have told you she's a lesbian? Aside from the fact that I'm a giant pussy and she ate me alive. Cannot, cannot say that there was any indication. On a completely unrelated note, did you guys know that scissoring really hurts your balls? Like a. Like, a lot. You guys, I told that joke in Birmingham, Alabama, and a guy yelled out, you're doing it wrong. Way more progressive down there than I was giving him credit for. Thank you, guys. My name is Joe Barnholt.

[Cam Patterson]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Barn, hold with a minute. Hi, Joe.

[Joe Barnholt]

Hey, how's it going?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good. Welcome, welcome. How long were you married?

[Joe Barnholt]

I'm married for five years. We actually signed our paper on our fifth year anniversary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were surprised when you found out she was a lesbian.

[Joe Barnholt]

She started turning into a witch towards the end of our marriage. Self identify, incense and moon Water was

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

calling herself a witch.

[Joe Barnholt]

Yes.

[RFK Jr.]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe Barnholt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible.

[Sam Henderson]

So.

[Joe Barnholt]

But to say I was shocked would be a little bit of an overstatement.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you didn't think there was something lesbian esque about her when she married a Rachel Maddow impressionist?

[Joe Barnholt]

You should see me when I'm clean shaven. I am very lesbian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So how did she break the news to you that she was interested in women?

[Joe Barnholt]

She actually came clean to me because she was worried that a neighbor had seen her new partner coming through, and she wanted it to come from her rather than coming from a third party source. So she reached out to me and was like, hey, I need to confess, I'm dating someone. And I went, oh, that's cool. And she went, it's a woman. And I went, oh, we never had a threesome. That's unfortunate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did you try to work it out and try to have that happen? Did you pitch that idea?

[Sturm Worm]

No.

[Joe Barnholt]

We were kind of at the friend zone at that point in time. Our marriage had, you know, devolved into friendship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So no kids.

[Joe Barnholt]

No kids. No kid free.

[William Montgomery]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she slowly became a witch.

[Joe Barnholt]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did that bother you at all? That's a witch sound effect.

[Joe Barnholt]

Great sound effect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The rarely used witch sound. Yeah. Red man has been finger lingering his finger over that button for 13 and a half years, just waiting for an opportunity.

[Joe Barnholt]

That's not the sound they make when you finger a witch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's a goblin laugh. I know a goblin laugh when I hear it. There you go. Okay. So what do you do for work?

[Joe Barnholt]

I do comedy and music full time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of music do you do?

[Joe Barnholt]

Comedy music. And I'm in a band that does full band hip hop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you do in a band that does what?

[Joe Barnholt]

Full band hip hop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Full band hip hop, yeah. What do you do in the band?

[Joe Barnholt]

I play guitar. I do rhythm and a little bit of vocals.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit of vocals? Yes. You do comedy hip hop?

[Joe Barnholt]

No, I. Well, so my comedy songs are all over the place. I do a song about Jesus. A song. I just wrote a song about fucking Santa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Can we hear some of your fucking Santa song? You gonna tell the band what to do?

[Joe Barnholt]

Sure, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're actual professional musicians, so if you just tell them.

[Joe Barnholt]

So it's. It's. Man. What's the style? It's just starts on G, the 1, the 4, the 5, and then that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, you're turning us all into lesbians right now. This is so incredible.

[Joe Barnholt]

It's a slow song. Yeah. If you got a guitar, I could play it for you guitar, if you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we have. We do have the guest guitar. There's the lovely Heidi.

[Joe Barnholt]

Man, I literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With a guitar. We're gonna plug it on in. You gotta put it. This is incredible. He reminds me of Colt. Colt, this is like you. Colt, come up here, stand next to this guy. Take your hoodie and your hat off real quick. We're gonna do a little. Do a little experiment, see which one is which. Yeah, give me some of that cult music. Look at that, everybody.

[Joe Barnholt]

Hey, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this. Just stand up there next to him like you guys are conjoined twins. I just want you to stand up there with him. No, leave the hat off. Colt, leave the hat off. Very good. There you go. Yeah, it's perfect. All right, here we go. That's the spirit. A g to the 1, to the 2, to the 5th. And here we go. Hey, here we go. We're gonna go Colts.

[Sam Henderson]

Just.

[Joe Barnholt]

I love you, Santa. You're on the way. It's almost Christmas and you're dressed in a sleigh. Put me on the nice list. You're good, little boy. But we could be naughty if you bring me toys. Oh, Santa, come fill me with joy.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Jack Ross, RFK Jr. S Rockin Christmas. Available now.

[RFK Jr.]

Blinking.

[Joe Barnholt]

Some kids want presents. I just want your sack. I left out cookies and milk for you, Santa. But can I be your snack? My polar bear Santa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing.

[Joe Barnholt]

You give me pause.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Santa. Shepherd boy to the M. What you say? RFK Jr.

[RFK Jr.]

Boy. Go ahead. Let's do a duet. Keep going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do a duet.

[RFK Jr.]

I. My voice blends well with other voices. So let's try this. There's that. You're a polar bear. Yeah. Queer. Go ahead. I'll follow the changes. Don't try me, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man. I was not prepared for that.

[RFK Jr.]

This is your big break. Do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, I know. Oh, my God.

[RFK Jr.]

Show us what you got. You can do it, Rachel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Joe Barnholt]

Shave your beard, Santa.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, shave your beard. Your beard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Son of a.

[Joe Barnholt]

Her name's Mrs. Claus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Ugly old slide down my chimney.

[Joe Barnholt]

It's my fantasy. Oh, no. Step. Santa. I'm stuck in the tree. Santa, come bring it to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Get RFK's Rocking Christmas tomorrow afternoon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe Barnholt with a little music. With the lovely Cold backing him up, his twin brother. Thank you, Colt. And amazing harmonies by the great RFK Jr. Amazing stuff. Drinking fermented Alpes. I thought it was.

[RFK Jr.]

I forgot. I thought it was Mountain Dew and I. You really gotta prepare before you put owl urine in your mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just. Just A heads up, RFK Jr. Is promoting Kyle Dunnigan dot com. He's on tour. Kyle Dunnigan dot com. That's D U N N I G A N dot com. Important to know. Sometimes we have these people come on. Like Dr. Phil promotes Adam Ray. It's exciting to have RFK Junior promoting Kyle Dunnigan. I love it. You guys can promote anything in the world. And instead, you take care of good, amazing comedians. Free speech. This Kyle Dunnigan, you've met him before. He's a friend.

[RFK Jr.]

Fantastic. He does, like, a lot of puppet work. And he juggles, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go.

[RFK Jr.]

Go see Kyle Dunnigan. He actually just juggles the puppets. He doesn't actually mouth them at all. They just fly through the air.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was here this weekend. He was fantastic. Kyledunnigan.com for tour tickets. One of the funniest people on planet Earth. Joe, what is the most interesting, craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life?

[Joe Barnholt]

My band has played Red Rocks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so that's, like, your biggest accomplishment. How did you guys sell tickets for that? Are you guys famous?

[Joe Barnholt]

So. Well, we're pretty well known in the Denver music scene. And we got the opportunity to play before they do a movie on the rocks where they show a film. And what was the movie? And Top Gun? Maverick. So open for Tom Cruise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe Barnholt]

Which is sweet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing.

[RFK Jr.]

A lot of people open for Tom Cruise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All right, Joe. Well, okay. You did pretty decent, right? Did you do. You did good. Right? Here's a big joke. Buck, take one of these. There he goes. Joe Barnholt. Thank you. Let's get one more bucket pull up here. Then we'll get a regular. All right, ladies and gentlemen, this looks like another new name. Exciting stuff. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Simon Perkovich. Simon Perkovich.

[Simon Perkovich]

How you feeling, guys? Are you feeling guys? I know Tony is. Anyway, I am 11 months sober from marijuana. Yeah, look at that. Nobody's happy for me anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People are like, boo.

[Simon Perkovich]

That's only because you hear the good stuff. You know, they never talk about the negatives. Like, you notice that. It makes you stop dreaming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Simon Perkovich]

Have you noticed this? Of course not. You're toasted right now. Big dreamer right here. Guys, I'm from Colorado. What if, like, my whole state isn't dreaming? What if Martin Luther King Jr. Was from Colorado? He would have never had that dream. Dude, we would be peeing in different bathrooms. The marches, they would have never happened. What do you ever hit the doobie and think? Guys, let's go on a hunger strike.

[Red Band]

All right?

[Simon Perkovich]

Everyone, shut up.

[Rick Schneuer]

Shut up.

[Law]

Shut up.

[Simon Perkovich]

No, seriously, shut up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay. Simon Perkovich, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, Simon. Welcome.

[Simon Perkovich]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been on stand up?

[Simon Perkovich]

I've been dabbling for three years, but I'd say I've been doing it for, like, a month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And that's in Colorado?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah. Telluride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Okay. What do you do for a living?

[Simon Perkovich]

I was trying. I was a bartender, and I'm trying to be a farmer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Marijuana?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, I wish. Oh, no, you can do that where I'm from, but you can't really do that here anymore, can you? Unless if you're doing that weird Delta 8 stuff. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get. I don't. I don't really know the industry that well. I just buy it and smoke it.

[Simon Perkovich]

No, but I like organic stuff. Like, I've worked on a mushroom farm, apple farm, all kinds of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. This sounds very healthy. Are you a healthy guy?

[Simon Perkovich]

I try to be healthy. It's kind of tough when you move to a new city and you're not connected to farm stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mostly. You do eat healthy?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, I think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's a guilty pleasure for you? What's something that you eat that's unique, unhealthy?

[Simon Perkovich]

Guilty pleasure? I love donuts. Like, voodoo donuts down the way. Kind of been fucking me up lately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? How has it been fucking you up?

[Simon Perkovich]

Well, so I live in a van and I gotta find a.

[Joe Barnholt]

What?

[Simon Perkovich]

That's not funny. Shut up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody laughed.

[Simon Perkovich]

You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't just be like, hey, stop. That's not funny. But, like, everyone was just completely silent. He's dreaming.

[Joe Barnholt]

Yeah.

[Simon Perkovich]

I just. I wish they would laugh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dreaming of donuts over here.

[Simon Perkovich]

But no, like, I gotta find a place to piss in the morning. So I'm walking down and it's always voodoo donuts. And, like, I'm trying, you know, to eat healthy, like you said, but, you know, I feel guilty just going in and asking to use the bathroom, so I gotta get, like, at least three or four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You eat three or four donuts daily?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

RFK Jr. What do we think about three or four daily donuts?

[RFK Jr.]

Well, it depends what kind you're talking. What sort of donut are you talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good question. There. Are there certain donuts?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, there's definitely a bunch of. They make actually a. A delicious bison donut by me. And those are actually quite healthy, by the way. Here, I have some kangaroo meat, if you want to take a bite off that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You actually have kangaroo meat.

[RFK Jr.]

Kangaroo meat. It's a really high in vitamin Q if anybody's interested in trying.

[Red Band]

All right, nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something about RFK Jr. I don't even laugh. I go directly to cracking the fuck up. It's pretty, pretty special.

[Simon Perkovich]

I can't believe my hero is on stage right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a big. Is there. Have you.

[Simon Perkovich]

I've never been vaccinated and like my mom. You're like my mom's biggest hero too.

[RFK Jr.]

All right, I like to hear that. Have you tried any owl urine? This cures measles, mumps, and I'm hoping herpes. Please, God. Please, God.

[Sturm Worm]

Herpes.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh,

[RFK Jr.]

take away the itch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. So, Simon, what do you do for fun? What's a guy that Intellide do for fun?

[Simon Perkovich]

Well, intelluride, it's skiing, snowboarding, white water rafting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what you do?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, I do all these things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Simon Perkovich]

But here I've been two stepping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, really?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, you just never see blacks, right? I mean, when are you.

[Simon Perkovich]

They, they come for one festival in Telluride. It's called Blues and Brews and they're all on stage and we're just staring at them.

[Rick Schneuer]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Blues and Brews.

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, like beer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I expected it to be B R U, I S E. Because they beat up people. Okay, I want to see this two step. How many you think we should see? Him two step. One, two. One, two, three, four. Giant. It's a giant woman you're dancing with. Whoa.

[RFK Jr.]

Rudolph the Red Snow's reindeer had a very shiny nose. He got queer. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it close. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Got. God damn it. They never let that son of a play any goddamn games. It's a lot of bullies out there. You see a reindeer, I'm gonna kick him in the goddamn head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am having. I am having so much fun right now. Oh, my God.

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, it's real hard 2 stepping alone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Obviously, it's also hard doing comedy alone when you're you. So, Simon, Simon, Simon, what's your love life like up until you ride Telluride? Nothing.

[Simon Perkovich]

Here. I had a girlfriend and she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So wait, you moved here?

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I must have missed that. How long ago?

[Simon Perkovich]

Like a month ago.

[Joe Barnholt]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Halloween. You had a girlfriend here already?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, I jump into these things real quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How'd that go?

[Simon Perkovich]

They're not great. I. She two stepped right out of my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Simon Perkovich]

And. Yeah, actually I was gonna. I was gonna call her today and kind of say, hey, we can still be friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did she tell you why she left you?

[Simon Perkovich]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Simon Perkovich]

Can you tell why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you tell why?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Simon Perkovich]

Just basically how I am. I'm like, I'm awkward and I get too attached to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you did? Can you give an example of how you got too attached to this woman? And how soon after you guys started hanging out did you get attached?

[Simon Perkovich]

Oh, instantly. But I was trying to play it off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So give us a second.

[Simon Perkovich]

Well, I always. I rush into these things because, like, it's kind of a trick to get that, like, if someone cares about you, it's really easy to care about yourself. But then, like, when that person leaves, like, I'm supposed to still care about myself. I fucking don't. But, like, you know, when I mean take care of yourself, I mean, like, clean my room, because someone will come see it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you lived in a van.

[Simon Perkovich]

It is a van.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, okay, my.

[Simon Perkovich]

My room is my van.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you say yoke like that like it's your fucking van? You're saying it like there's room in it. You call it your room. You didn't say I need to clean my van. You call it a room?

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, it's my living room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's amazing.

[Simon Perkovich]

And it's like. It's a bus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's big. Uh huh. All right, well, okay. So did you. What did you say or do that

[Simon Perkovich]

was so clingy right after I got on Kill Tony, the first time you've been on before? Yeah, I was here like three or four weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Simon Perkovich]

You made me talk about having lichen sclerosis, which, by the way, I've admitted to, like, my parents and then you and everybody in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. Did you look different a few weeks ago?

[Simon Perkovich]

I had a beard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that'll do it. Yeah. Here's a little joke book. Simon, congratulations. You've been pulled out of the bucket twice in a month. There he goes. We're gonna move it right along. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed time for a regular 60 seconds uninterrupted from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A freak of nature out there, touring, selling out absolutely everywhere. Truly one of the fastest growing comics in the world. This is a brand new minute from the one and only, the great and powerful. This is Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, so I'm still trying to do, like, the acting thing or whatnot, and I had, like, auditioned for a role a couple weeks ago, and it was for a drug dealer, so right on time, right? So I thought I had it in the bag. And then I got there and there was a lady with a camera and a gay dude, right? And we was reading our lines and shit. And he was reading it with me, but he was reading the lines as my girlfriend. That's crazy, right? So I'm saying my lines or whatnot. I'm like, hey, bitch, here go to drugs. And his line is, oh, my gosh, I love you so much. And every time he said that, I laughed. Cause that's funny, right?

[Law]

Like, what the fuck?

[Cam Patterson]

And he'll be like, you gotta be more serious. I'd be like, no problem. He say it again and I laugh again. And I'mma tell you something. I should get that role, man. Cause that was fucking great acting, dog. He had no idea I was homophobic. You know what I'm saying? And if you think I'm deadass, I'm not. Not homophobic. I have no problem with gay people. I have gays in my family. I don't talk to them, but they in my family, I tell you that much, have my time. There I go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Exactly a minute. RFK Jr.

[RFK Jr.]

Tony. I haven't looked to my right yet. Is it a black guy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It's a young.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, thank God. Oh, that would be. Be so racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, who you thought it was?

[RFK Jr.]

I don't know. I just wanted to make sure you the.

[Cam Patterson]

You. You the dude with the health.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You be doing health.

[Law]

And I do.

[RFK Jr.]

I do the health.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah. That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is his official title.

[Cam Patterson]

The Health.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The health.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That's hard, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson? Coming out, getting some of the biggest pops of the night. Big pop. Pops of laughter.

[Cam Patterson]

It was fun, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. It's all happening. Hell yeah. You really went on an audition for that?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, no, not well. Yeah, I did. Yeah. I was in. I was already in LA doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm saying? And so. Yeah, but it was funny. I'm not gonna get the part at all, but it was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I got a joke out of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you did. That's all that matters.

[Law]

See?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well worth it. And you still might get the role, hopefully. Was it for, like, a big thing?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, it's pretty big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yeah, sounds about right. No Rising star. What's that under your hat tonight?

[Cam Patterson]

Nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's something there.

[Cam Patterson]

No, it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Huh. There's a little something. Is that it? Is that what we call Is that a do rag?

[RFK Jr.]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. It's like you're like a black genie. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Oh, it's you. It's you. I got really scared for a second.

[Cam Patterson]

It's a ski mat. Cause it's cold and be cold outside. And I ain't got no haircut, so it helped with my hairline and like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

A lot of people don't have that problem. Cause y' all don't have y' all hair. Don't you feel what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying? Help, nigga.

[RFK Jr.]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You get what I'm saying?

[Cam Patterson]

The help, nigga. Get what I'm saying.

[RFK Jr.]

That's right. My N word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Sturm Worm]

You get it?

[Cam Patterson]

That's it. Tax it. This is good, man. Hell yeah. This is nice.

[RFK Jr.]

I feel ya.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. RFK Jr. A true politician, able to talk to any type of person.

[Cam Patterson]

You the one with the worm in your brain type shit. Hell yeah. That's hard. It's good, man. Hell yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

This is fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's going on under there? It looks like there's some stuff, like, happening underneath.

[Cam Patterson]

Under my head? Yeah, under my. Why, Like, I ain't get a haircut in a minute, so my hair look crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

So no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Red Band]

No.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good ones.

[Cam Patterson]

I'll take it off for $200.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. 200 bucks, lady.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you have the money, white bitch?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope. She says no, she does not have the money. Shocker. So what else is going on, Cam?

[Cam Patterson]

I was in. I was in Rochester, New York, this weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That place is terrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Terrible, huh? It's so interesting to me. You and William, you were in Rochester. He was in Buffalo. Truly, as I've said so many times before, absolutely two of the worst places in the United States of America. Upstate New York is the worst.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, man. They had this shit up there called a garbage plate, and it was just like. It's exactly what you think it is as much as bullshit on the plate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Puerto Rican food. Oh, shut up. Come on. Shut up. The Puerto Ricans.

[Cam Patterson]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony makes another joke about Puerto Rico. Oh, extra. When did you get that? That's a new one.

[Cam Patterson]

Got a bunch of new.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You got a few new ones. First time the soundboard has changed in seven and a half years. For those of you keeping track. Very exciting. What else do you have there that's new? Anything else good? No. Nothing. Nothing that you're proud of there? Come on. Never heard of them and don't want to Hear of them.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, I just got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just understood what that was.

[Sturm Worm]

Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's funny. That is so funny.

[Cam Patterson]

He get glasses from. He always had glasses.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, sorry. I was distracted. I was sending a dick pic to a journalist. Yeah, a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So, Cam, what are we talking about? Rochester garbage, please. Yo. Yeah, garbage plate ass nigga.

[Cam Patterson]

It's terrible. It's. It's. It was. It. It was. It made me mad. Cause they really stood by that. And it was me, Jolly and my other homeboy, Jar. We was all there. My cameraman is white. I got a white cameraman.

[Law]

Thank you.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, reparations, you know, saying white people a lot of shit like that. I'm a good person. You feel what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the good ones. Yeah.

[Sturm Worm]

Whoa, whoa.

[Red Band]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Cam Patterson]

So I got a white cameraman, right? And we opened our. We opened our food up, and it was the garbage place in front of us. And my cameraman just went, y' all want to be slaves so bad. That's how. That's how terrible the food was. It looked like slave food. It was terrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

It was God awful. It made me upset. I wanted to kill those people. Yeah, People was cool, though. The food was God awful, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Freezing cold up there.

[Cam Patterson]

It was cold this year. Yeah, it was cool. I like the cold now, man. I'm a real travel person, you know what I'm saying? I'd be all around the world, I'd be seeing snow and like that. It don't even faze me no more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I just see snow and I go. That snow puts in. I keep moving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Cam Patterson]

Cause I've been around the world now. Thanks to you, Tony. I appreciate that, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All around the world. Always writing, always working a non stop undeniable machine. Hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Cam Patterson. Everybody, Another new minute. Amazing sometimes how the people that do it every week, you know, this has

[RFK Jr.]

been a real sausage fest. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we're gonna see what happens next is a one word name. Anything could happen. Could be a boy, could be a girl. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Law. L, A W. It's law, everybody.

[Law]

So when I was in high school, girls would play this game called fuck, marry, kill. And it's like where you make a list on who'd you rather fuck, marry or kill. And one time this girl made a list of me, Shrek and the donkey from Shrek. Yeah. Guess who got killed the Girl who made the list. Yeah, so my cousin. My cousin just came out as gay on Face because I have his password. I remember one time my girlfriend and I were having sex and she kept saying, is it in yet? And as a man, that's not something you want to hear when you're fisting your girlfriend. Appreciate you, Law.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Law.

[Law]

What's good, brother?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Very impressive. Welcome, welcome.

[Law]

Thanks for having me, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the first time I've seen yourself standup. But I have seen you around here. You work here at the Mothership now? I do amazing stuff. Adam knows how to pick them. Amazing. Do you sign up for the show often?

[Law]

I mean, yeah, when I'm working, yeah. I'll be chilling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. How long you been doing standup?

[Law]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years? Where at?

[Law]

Baltimore, Maryland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you moved here how long ago?

[Law]

Like, six months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six months ago?

[Law]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love it here?

[Law]

Oh, it's great, man. So many white bitches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there's a lot of them.

[Law]

I ain't like them at first, but now I do.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why didn't you like them at first? What do you prefer? What's the pluses and minuses of the white bitches?

[Law]

Racism? Nah, white bitches, the pros. It's just a cultural thing, you know, Baltimore, all the white bitches do hair. So y' all here, it's just like ecstasy and so. Yeah, it's pretty chill. The cons. Yeah, their dads hate me, Right?

[Joe Barnholt]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that makes sense.

[Law]

Feel like I'm a lovable guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are.

[Law]

Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I could see that you're extremely likable. Your delivery is incredible. Writing, extra execution, everything. Amazing.

[Law]

Thanks, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you been doing for work? Up until this point, I was a

[Law]

middle school special education teacher.

[Cam Patterson]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could hear all the white women going, aw, yeah. All at once. They really all hit that note.

[Law]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What was that like for you?

[Law]

Oh, it sucked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was terrible.

[Law]

I mean, I did it in. It was in Baltimore, so it was just chaos.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Law]

You know, it's hard to teach a kid after he called you a negative, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Law]

It's pretty difficult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Law]

Yeah. But I had to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Law]

You know, I taught that kid about slavery and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. They're allowed to call you that in that type of school, right?

[Law]

Unfortunately, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Law]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would have been fun.

[Law]

Well, but you. Yeah, we can restrain them, though. So, like, I had to. I had to, like, learn different holds to restrain a kid. Yeah. So, like, I did get a couple of licks in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Were there any special ones that stood out to you? Oh, man.

[Law]

Oh, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Law]

I mean, I'm not gonna say his name, I guess, Right? His name was Wayne, and. It was this chunky ass white kid. And, I mean, obviously he was racist, but he, like, loved me, so all of the races would come towards me. So he would get into these things called, like, crisises to where, like, he would just flip the table and, you know, he'd hit all the kids, throw the desk, and then he'd say the N word and he'd be like, see, you're making me racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think this guy had any mental problems whatsoever.

[Law]

Yeah, it was. It was. It was. It was tough, you know, but at the end of the day, I mean, he. He loved, like, cops, like police officers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they all do.

[Law]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah. It's just the lights on the car.

[Law]

Yeah, yeah. And so we would just bring in a police officer at the end of the day, and he would just be chilling with Wayne.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Law]

And then I get to leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You left him with the police officer?

[Law]

Oh, yeah. You know, you could teach the cops and stuff, I guess. Or they could teach him.

[RFK Jr.]

You know, Tony, I hate to interrupt this, but I'm getting a little. What did you say your name was?

[Law]

His name, Your name. Law.

[RFK Jr.]

Law, yeah. I'm sorry, I just.

[Red Band]

I don't.

[RFK Jr.]

I probably shouldn't tell this story, but I was in Da Nang, about eight clicks out of Saigon, and I was helping this girl across the border. Her name was Law. And I haven't thought about her in years. Anyway, she stepped on a landmine and blew her into two pieces. And it was like a chicken when she kept walking as two separate beings. And she came to me like, help. And I pushed her together, but it was too late. But anyways, it was a funny set.

[Law]

Great town.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Law, sir. So being raised. Being raised in Baltimore, you were around a lot of black men, right?

[Law]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And your name is Law. L, A W. So did a lot of those guys try to break you? Because I hear that they love breaking black men. Breaking me, breaking laws. Black men love breaking laws. Your name is Law.

[Law]

I got nervous at first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, John Dees is booing my black men breaking laws joke. Okay. Looks like I'll have to run for office next year. I thought it was smart. I've never met a black guy named Law before, but. All right.

[Law]

Welcome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Law]

Oh, yeah. Yep, that's me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have any hobbies or anything? Like that, other than standup comedy? Anything that you're interested in?

[Law]

Yeah, I mean, I. I read a lot of books.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah?

[Law]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of books?

[Law]

All right, so I guess urban fiction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly is that? Like tales from the hood?

[Law]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so it's like this author called Donald Goins. So, you know, hood nigga and my type of person. Yeah. So he has this novel. It's called Whore Sun. So it's about, like, a prostitute, like a mom, and she gives birth to a son, and she's like, well, I'm a whore, and that's my son. So we're gonna call him Whore Son Jones. This is a real book. Like, I'm so. And like, so pretty much he just becomes like a. Like a pimp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this erotic fiction that you're reading? Like, is this, like.

[Law]

I mean, if you like hitting women and stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this, like. And it's about black people?

[Law]

Yeah, he's like a pimp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a special, like, black library that you go to or something somewhere where you just take the books and don't check them out, you just leave with them or something like that? Just steal the books?

[Law]

Yeah, it's like. It's like a one shelf in Barnes and Noble

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with all the security cameras pointed towards right there. Law, I am positive you're so funny. I just know it. Adam has the best eye for talent here. And if you work here and if. If you have multiple minutes, anything like that minute that you did, what's the longest set you've ever done before?

[Law]

25 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the biggest audience you've ever performed in front of before?

[Law]

Biggest audience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About how many people just ball park it?

[Law]

Probably like 500.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool. Would you like to do a minute on December 30th? Live from the HEB center in Arena. Sold out already. It'll be the new biggest audience you've performed in front of by absolutely thousands and thousands of people. Appreciate it, and I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you can.

[Law]

I'm in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And of course, you're getting a big joke bucks. That's it. The total package. He's performing in an arena.

[Law]

Appreciate. Appreciate.

[Sturm Worm]

Law.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, be on the lookout for this guy. That is. That's funny. That guy's funny. All right, we're moving back to the bucket, everybody. You guys still having fun out there? Oh, one of Kid Rock's ex girlfriends is going to the bathroom. There she goes. Goes, all right. Another one. Word name, back to back. Make Some noise for T or ta TA.

[Red Band]

How y' all doing? How the rest of y' all doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good, good.

[Red Band]

Now, y' all look good, man. It's a very diverse room of white people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right?

[Red Band]

Now, white people make some noise, all right? Black people make some noise. Don't make no more noise, bitch. That shit was crazy, nigga. Nah, nah, look, okay, okay. Let me get into it, man. I just went bowling with my grandfather, man. 70 years old. We can give it up for that. We can give up for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Red Band]

He whooped my ass, though. Beat the shit out of me. After he beat me, he got in my face. He said, that's how you bold, nigga. My granddad's white, by the way. Like that. Like my racist granddad. He looked like you, nigga. I ain't gonna lie. Nah, man. I am biracial, though. I grew up with a white dad, and it's crazy. He used to make me do yard work all the time. Some shit just don't feel right. You know what I'm saying? No. He said, no. You need to make sure that y' all look nice so people don't think we white trash. I was like, we. They gonna think I'm a slave, boy.

[William Montgomery]

You gotta.

[Red Band]

All right, that's my time. Thank y'.

[Cam Patterson]

All.

[Red Band]

My name's Tyler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Taja. Am I saying that right?

[Red Band]

Tajay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tajay. T, A, I, J, A. That's a tough one. Everybody mispronounces that one right.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, God. I knew a girl and. Never mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I want to know.

[RFK Jr.]

I want to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, come on. Don't hold back now.

[RFK Jr.]

It's not as tame as the last story. It's not

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the one where you put a person split in two back together.

[RFK Jr.]

It's worse than that one, and I'd rather not say it. All right, Tony, it's a comedy show. God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Taj. Taj. Welcome. So you're half white. What's the other half exactly?

[Red Band]

Black as hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just straight up black.

[Red Band]

Just straight black. Straight black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. Yeah. Ethiopian?

[Red Band]

Nah, just like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you get that a lot?

[Red Band]

Nah, I get a lot of, like, miscellaneous, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like miscellaneous. Yeah, yeah. And star miscellaneous.

[Red Band]

Miscellaneous. I'm saying that right, right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are?

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah, I said it, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You fixed it. You said miscellaneous Twice miscellaneous. Yep.

[Red Band]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, we there. We there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. We there. Okay, so just regular black and white. Dad's white, mom's black. Are they still together?

[Red Band]

Hell, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why not?

[Red Band]

My mama crazy, bro. She just. Just a crazy. But she crazy. I love her but she crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Tell me more about your crazy black mother.

[Red Band]

She got. She got multiple sclerosis. Y' all know what that is? Yeah, but I think she lying, though. That's the thing. I think. I don't think she being for real. Cause she liked to smoke. So when she got it, she got a weed card, her little license or whatever. And yeah, I think she lying, man. I do think she's lying. My dad's reasonably crazier, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, tell us about your crazy white.

[Red Band]

He got three baby mamas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Red Band]

Yeah. Yeah, I said baby mamas. So they all black? They're all black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Red Band]

He smoked black and mouths.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. This is a white guy.

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Really white. He kind of looked like red band, just a little bit, I swear. Y' all think I'm bullshitting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No cap.

[Red Band]

No cap. No cap.

[Cam Patterson]

On God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bet. What's his name? Like Roger or something? Does he have a white Harley?

[Red Band]

Harley, like a. Yeah. Was it. Oh, the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that amazing? Yeah. Incredible. What does he do for a living?

[Red Band]

He a realtor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? He sells real estate.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he's got three black baby mamas. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. Rfkg.

[RFK Jr.]

Who's the one with ms? Who's that?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

My mama.

[RFK Jr.]

All right, I want you to do something because I can cure this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right?

[RFK Jr.]

Listen. No, I'm. I'm being. I want you to give her this. It looks like a lifesaver, but it's not. This is dehydrated bat cum. It's. It's got. No, it's. That's all you need to do. Just. She'll be as good as gold in the morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real? Yep. So what do you do for a living?

[Red Band]

I'm electrician, but I ain't working right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? You know how to electric?

[Red Band]

Yeah, I do. I know how to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you learn that?

[Simon Perkovich]

At school?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trade school.

[Red Band]

Trade school?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for fun? There's some hobbies other than stand up comedy.

[Red Band]

No.

[Simon Perkovich]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Red Band]

I've been eating a lot of. With my shoes on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that makes sense. You look like Brittney Griner, so that makes sense. Eating with your shoes on. Is there a reason why you leave your shoes on?

[Red Band]

Cause if it tastes bad, I can walk right out of that. I ain't bullshitting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And if it smells bad, it's definitely not your feet.

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, indeed. Sometimes the taste of pussy is so terrible that I cannot even take the time to put my shoes on. I must have Them on already. I'm just like you. Tasia.

[Red Band]

Taje.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taje. Ta. Write it like I sound it out. Okay. How many times have you eaten a pussy in which you would need your shoes on to immediately evacuate the premises in a timely, unbelievably timely manner? And how many licks does it take before you realize it's too many, before it's too not good enough for you?

[Red Band]

It happens pretty fast. Cause like, you can notice as soon as you pull the pans down that should have just hit you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I'm saying?

[Red Band]

Yeah, like I ain't eat bad before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but that seems like it happens a lot for you to leave. I mean, by default. Have you ever. Have you ever taken everything off except for your shoes?

[Red Band]

No, that'd be really black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's super black.

[Cam Patterson]

I would do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is super black. It. Yeah, that is super black. Because black people in porns leave their socks and sometimes their shoes on, sometimes their shoes. You ever watch porno with blacks? Redband? Yeah, only the black women though. Not black guys. There you go. He has to make it look like he's super straight. Can't even have guys in my porn. It's just women on women on women. Black women get like, you know, from behind. It's so good.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What from behind? I want to know if you can even guess what happens in a porno with women. Okay.

[Red Band]

I do have a girlfriend though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do have a girlfriend and you take your shoes off for her?

[Simon Perkovich]

Nah.

[Red Band]

Her pussy smell good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nigga, Right? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So it's shoes off?

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're comfortable? Yeah. Okay. How long have you been with this girl?

[Red Band]

About five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does she do?

[Red Band]

She actually is in school to be a gynecologist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. Does she ever teach you any of the cool things that she learns?

[Red Band]

Nah, nah, I don't think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[RFK Jr.]

It's a totally unnecessary profession, but okay. Good. You just need to eat wheatgrass. Ladies just have wheatgrass every three days, you're fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wheat grass would make gynecologists completely obsolete.

[RFK Jr.]

Make your bad come.

[Red Band]

I don't want the bad gum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's for your mother. It's for your mother's multiple sclerosis.

[Red Band]

You're right.

[Simon Perkovich]

You're right.

[RFK Jr.]

Wrap it in wheatgrass and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Taje, you have any special skills or talents other than stand up comedy? You ever been good at any anything?

[Red Band]

Yeah, I play a little bit of guitar, small bit of guitar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Red Band]

Yeah, that's my white side.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Red Band]

It comes out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the last time you played guitar? Do you own a guitar?

[Red Band]

Two weeks ago I owned three guitars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You own three guitars? I want to see this guy play guitar. Heidi, can we get the guitar out here? This has been a music heavy episode.

[Red Band]

Can you. Can you put it in drop D? I'll put it in drop d, don't worry about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, drop D. What the the hell?

[RFK Jr.]

Jesus Christ. Cheryl Hill, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drop D. Andy needs a pick. Give him a hair. Pick somebody. How does that not get a bigger. You guys have any black friends out there? Can I get a pick? A hair pick? Nothing from these people. Like, why would he need a hairpick, Tony? Why would I. Why would he possibly ever want a hairpick?

[RFK Jr.]

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Jail it is to ride the homeless on the play. Hey, take over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An amazing rendition of Jingle Bells from

[Red Band]

first black to play guitar. Never mind, never mind. First black. I can see that. Can play couture. We go now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've had black guitar players on before. Madison Square Garden and whatnot. But you are the first half black to play guitar. Half black. I like it.

[Red Band]

I've got to tell you, my girlfriend is Puerto Rican, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. All right. The cheat was. Did she vote this election?

[Red Band]

No, no, no. But she heard about the incident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What did she have to say?

[Red Band]

She wasn't even mad. She wasn't mad at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seems she's dating a comedian.

[RFK Jr.]

He's called you the N word like five times. Yeah, I think we're probably gonna do something about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No,

[RFK Jr.]

just give me. Give me the word, Tony. I'll take care of it.

[Red Band]

She wasn't mad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's got a good sense of humor.

[Red Band]

Yeah, she said she loves gay guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She loves them very good. You know who.

[RFK Jr.]

Watch it, pal.

[Red Band]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the Puerto Ricans have a great sense of humor. A little fun fact. One of the highest rankings of senses of humors of all the races. I've studied this. She has a good sense of humor, right?

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah, she's a good girl. She got a big gynecologist, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Seeing dirty pussy all day, you gotta be able to keep your spirits high.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She keeps her shoes on the whole time.

[Red Band]

Right here and there. Here and there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Taje. Very fun stuff. You got through it. It took you 30 seconds to start your first joke after the whole diverse thing. But keep signing up. We want you to do it again. And maybe we have something. No medium ones, No we do have delicious watermelon Zippix toothpicks. But they're not just watermelon, they're peppermint watermelon. It's a mix. A perfect nicotine toothpick for a half white, half black comedian. Peppermint watermelon, Zipix nicotine toothpicks plus a little joke book. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Taje Peppermint watermelon. You can't even make it up. Brought to you by Zipix, Zip Morse. Smoke less. All right, another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Rick Schneuer. Rick Schneuer, everybody. Rick Schnoyer. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on, Rick. Hold on a second. There is chaos amongst us, ladies and gentlemen. Kill Tony Legend. Let the bodies hit the floor. One of the biggest legends in the history of the show. We haven't seen him since Game Fest. This is Ari Shabir, everybody. Oh, my God. Oh, he has arrived. More evil than ever. Holy. Holy shit. Holy.

[RFK Jr.]

Shut the fuck up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now.

[Ari Shafir]

I was in the back for a while. I used to see ethnic comic after ethnic comic. And whoever the fuck you are, probably it's another one. Ain't a single goddamn Jew on this show, Tony. It's been 6, 16 months since that fateful day on October 7th, and they still haven't brought the hostages home. And you guys aren't doing a goddamn thing about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're looking at RFK junior Right now, Robbie.

[Ari Shafir]

What's your plan?

[RFK Jr.]

Good to see you.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's good to see you, too. What are you gonna do about Fentanyl, buddy? I'm really worried about it.

[RFK Jr.]

No, it's not a big deal. It's over.

[Ari Shafir]

Sick.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm going to party.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll see you guys later. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not gonna hang out, Ari? It's just another 20 or 30 minutes

[Ari Shafir]

or so I got to do. Today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, today? It's 10:00pm Ari. I mean, you're wearing the perfect shirt. Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, joining the fry. We're just about to watch this guy do an uninterrupted 60 seconds. How you feeling? You ready for it?

[Rick Schneuer]

Oh, yeah. Okay, stop.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm sorry to interrupt. That was my.

[Rick Schneuer]

It's all good. It's all good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do it all together. How about one more time for Rick Schneer, everybody?

[Rick Schneuer]

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, so I was in the HEB parking lot the other day and I almost got hit by that thing. I forget what it's called, but it's kind of like the human centipede, except for shopping carts. Oh, the train. The train. Shopping carts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Rick Schneuer]

I'm just minding my own business, and I almost had a train rain on me. Pain in my ass, you know? I don't know. A train would be a lot. Give me a threesome, though, any day. Specifically one with two girls. I feel like a threesome with a dude. It's kind of like going to a diner and you order a sandwich and you get a big pickle on the side with it. It's like, I didn't ask for the pickle. I don't really want the pickle there because now it's gonna get its taste all over the thing that I want to eat. All right, thanks, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rick Schnoyer. Hello, Rick. Welcome. How are you?

[Ari Shafir]

Why did you lead with Heb?

[Rick Schneuer]

Yeah. You know where we are, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean by that? Exactly. Right. In Texas.

[Rick Schneuer]

Yeah, in Texas. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What ethnicity are you? By the looks of your nose, I'm guessing you're Ari Shafird.

[Rick Schneuer]

I'm actually German and Croatian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. That is the opposite of what I would have guessed. Look at you, though. Amazing. Amazing. How long you been doing stand up?

[Rick Schneuer]

Like, off and on? Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say off and on? Mostly off. I'm guessing by the way that minute went. Why off so much?

[Rick Schneuer]

You know, I just have other stuff to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't know. And I don't know what other stuff you would do. When I did this, I threw myself in seven days a week. Absolutely obsessed. Every single night forever for years. So I don't know. What do you mean by that other stuff to do?

[Rick Schneuer]

Well, I would go to, like, open mics maybe once a month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So why would you. So what? What? So that's like practicing guitar once a month. Okay. So do you love it? Like, well, who? Why?

[Rick Schneuer]

It's. It's something that I was very passionate

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

about that you are very passionate about.

[Ari Shafir]

What, not committing to something. Your true passion is failure.

[Rick Schneuer]

Yeah.

[Law]

Yeah.

[Rick Schneuer]

I'm looking forward to the part where I'm just like, I quit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kind of confused. I'm trying to understand why would you only do it once a month if you're passionate about it?

[Rick Schneuer]

Oh, it was just always, like, a dream of mine. Would have loved to got, like, an hour special or something like that. It was a cool thing to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You thought you were gonna get an hour special just out of nowhere. How do you.

[Rick Schneuer]

No, that Was like my optimistic, like, take on it or my goal, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This doesn't make any sense at all. All right, what do you do for work?

[Rick Schneuer]

Oh, I actually didn't want to talk about work because I don't want to get fired.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, this is. You didn't want to do comedy, you don't want to do an interview?

[Red Band]

No.

[Rick Schneuer]

I'll talk to you about anything else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What field of work do you live work in?

[Rick Schneuer]

Biology.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you good at it?

[Rick Schneuer]

I mean, I'm actually biological myself, so

[Ari Shafir]

what does that mean?

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, God.

[Ari Shafir]

Are you a child predator?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still waiting. Wow. Okay. Can you tell us anything interesting about your entire life before I get you out of here in a record setting length interview?

[Rick Schneuer]

Yeah, sure. So I'm from Pennsylvania originally, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Amazing. Wow, that's pretty. You and.

[Ari Shafir]

That's pretty. That's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[RFK Jr.]

Crushing it right now, but I spent.

[Ari Shafir]

I didn't think you had it in yet, but you really stepped it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Ari Shafir]

You and the comeback story of the year with that Pennsylvania story, man. Dug down deep. You're a real Doug Flutie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I ask anything interesting about you, you have a quick answer? Yes, I'm one of the 9 million people from Pennsylvania.

[Rick Schneuer]

Oh. Well, I wanted to say that I spent maybe three years living out on. On the west coast. So that was like California, Oregon, like living out of my car and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing during that?

[Rick Schneuer]

I did some seasonal jobs and I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

was like, what, like what kind of seasonal jobs?

[Rick Schneuer]

So I worked in the Stanislaw National Forest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do in the national forest?

[Rick Schneuer]

I just like hiked around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hiked around. Amazing. I gotta tell you, you might be one of truly the most boring fucking human beings that's ever signed up for the show. Absolutely incredible. I wish you the best of luck in the world of biology. Well, you do work in biology. Do you have any questions for RFK Jr? He's written many, many books.

[Law]

Oh.

[Rick Schneuer]

And about science and whatnot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Medical, perhaps. Biology, one could even say.

[Rick Schneuer]

What do you think was the hardest dichotomous key that you had to use?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you say that?

[RFK Jr.]

I don't understand a goddamn word. Oh, your mouth. I would like to introduce you all though, to my cricket. This is actually. These are very good pets. If anybody, they. They have the most protein pound per pound of any animal. This is a little Marilyn Monroe, I call her, because if you. If you stroke her enough, she squirts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyway.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm not hurting her. I just got it right here. She's all right. She's all right,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rick Schneuer, here's a little joke book. There you go. There you go. I'm not even. Hold your applause. Yeah. I wanted to get a woman out of the bucket, so I pulled until I found a woman. The great RFK Jr said this has been a sausage fest. I totally agree. Here we go. Some female energies coming our way. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted, and I do believe perhaps the Kill Tony debut of Jamie Lee Simmons, everybody. Here we go.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm Jamie.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Feel like I look like Ariel if she collected vibrators instead of forks. Thanks, guys. Despite how I look, I do love my dad. You know, I love my dad so much. We share a one bedroom apartment together. I hear some of your reactions. I see your faces. You're like, how does she do that? Fuck my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah,

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

no, that's crazy. Perverts, all of you. No, it's easy. I stay in the master bedroom. My dad stays on the mantel. Yeah, I'll let that sink in. Aw, you guys thought I had red hair and a dad.

[Joe Barnholt]

Come on.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

No, I have an only fans rip. He's proud. I would sell my voice just to hear my dad say I love you one last time. All right, thanks, guys. I'm Jamie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jamie Lee Simmons. Welcome. Welcome, Jamie.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Thanks for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been with stand up?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

About 2 and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I started in Boston, then went to Miami and now I'm here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boston, Miami, Austin. Very cool. I love it. What do you do for work? Podcast, right?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Yes, I have a podcast. Two Girls, One Blunt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Full time.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Full time.

[Ari Shafir]

What's it called?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Two Girls, One Blunt.

[Ari Shafir]

It's about weed, right?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good observation, Ari Shafir taking note. I love it. Jamie, how's Austin been treating you?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I love it here. It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Austin?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I love the music. I love how nice everybody is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They are nice here. Yeah, it is incredible.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I love the dating scene.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. How's that going for you?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

It's going great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hanging out with musicians.

[Sam Henderson]

Yeah.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Men are actually responding back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. It's a good thing, testosterone.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh. Because in Miami you're ugly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I'm a mi. I'm a Miami four. He's not wrong. He's not wrong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I'm the one they don't let in the club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so Ari. That is.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

It's okay. He'll hit on me after the show. It's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. He definitely will.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Or he'll look up my only Fans? I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Is your only fans Jamie lee simmons?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I'll let him find it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

It's the topless comic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You do comedy topless on your only fans?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

That's how I started. Yeah. I would do, like, topless open mic comedy. It was terrible. And I was fat, and somehow I made a lot of money doing it. So here we are, living the dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

My dad is proud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so cool to think guys would sign up for your only fans and watch you do stand up topless. Did anybody not mute it?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

You know, I didn't ask.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Jamie, what are you afraid of? What scares you? Sometimes I ask people what scares them.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

What scares me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you, like, have a quirky fear of something.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Oh, my. I have, like, a rational fear, and I don't know what this is. Maybe it was a past life, but I'm terrified of sleeping on my back. Cause I think when I'm sleeping on my back, someone's gonna stab me directly through the nipple. And that would make my topless comedy pretty hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that would.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But then again, there's guys that are into that rfk.

[RFK Jr.]

Does the. Does the carpet match your vagina? All right, we were all thinking that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think that's exactly how the saying goes. He's trying. I love it. Jamie, what did make you go with that color hair? That is an interesting color. Very Ronald McDonald.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

You know, I think what. What every girl does when they go through a breakup, right, ladies? We dye our hair. We do something we can control.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went through a big breakup recently?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

No, this was, like, in 2020. Oh, I went through a breakup that night. Star and only fans dyed my hair red. I was feeling a lot of things.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long were you with that guy for?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Not long. I didn't say I was mentally well, guys. Okay. You could have got that from the comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. What are you into, like, hobby wise, when you're not doing stand up or something like that? Anything else wild or.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Yeah, well, I just stay home with my four cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four cats?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Yeah. Why go anywhere when I can stay at the pussy pal? Jealous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, four cats.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Four cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you move here with four cats?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you live in Miami the whole time with four cats?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you live in boston the whole time with four cats?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I had two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you moved to Miami, you got two more?

[Law]

Yeah.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Break up cat. But, you know, I'm a good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yoling has six cats. What the. Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, you creepazoid. Six motherfucking cats. You have six cats? Yep. What are their names? Mochi Jones, Mr. Brown, Pear, Esmeralda, Noti and Buki. Wow. Bookie's a sweetheart. Absolutely incredible. If you.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I'll talk to you. I'm to the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you two got into a relationship, you'd have 10 cats.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Sounds like a family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She'd have to convince my wife of that. Wow.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I've always wanted a dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So imagine that household. Imagine that household. Just 10 cats, a husband, a wife, and a mentally ill topless comedian. Oh, and two daughters. You have kids?

[RFK Jr.]

You didn't know that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have kids? You have six cats and two daughters. Jesus Christ. Matt Muhling. We need to have a conversation sometime. Let's hang out, bro. I didn't know any of this about you. We should grab a coffee sometime or something. Let's do it. Been working together every Monday for years. This is absolutely wild. Six cats. You have two daughters?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, man.

[Rick Schneuer]

One of them.

[Joe Barnholt]

Sixteen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Are you serious? What's your only. You have a. You have a. Where's your sound effect? Red band. Where's your victory sound? There it is. 16 year old. You have a 16 year old cat or a daughter? 16 year old daughter. Wow. How old's the other daughter? 12. Oh, my God. How old are the cats? A couple of them are like eight. Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a hundred years of pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. You have a century's worth of leave your shoes on at your house. Amazing. Jamie Lee Simmons. So you've been sexually active while here in Austin, Texas?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Not really, no. I've just been going on dates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I need those papers. What's the most fun? Wait, what kind of papers do you need?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

The STD ones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you know, yeah. Make sure that they're clean.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Make sure they're good.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay, how do you tell a.

[Law]

What do you.

[Ari Shafir]

So on a date?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

I go, you want to get tested? It's really easy. And if they're like into you, they'll get tested.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then they what? Like they hit you up like a week later like, hey, what's up? Jesus Christ, I really need to come. Oh, my God, I'm freaking out. Jesus.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah. Herpes free at the bottom of this glass.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Chug, chug, chug.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

RFK Jr might be one of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Oh, he chugged it. Oh, my God. He's ready. Usa. Usa. Usa. Oh. Oh, my God. This is incredible.

[Ari Shafir]

I've actually got an allergy to Cats. And I don't know what to do about it. And if anyone has any advice, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

have an allergy to cats and you also have full blown herpes. This is quite the conundrum.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

This will never work between us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. So sometimes guys, like, they go get tested and like a week later, they or whatever, they hit you up and they're like, hey, clean.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Well, it's somebody I've been, like, going out with for a while. Like, on multiple dates now. We're at that point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you check the papers.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you have unprotected sex with them. I mean, that would be crazy to make them wear a condom at that point, right?

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

You're good. We're all good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let me ask you this. They show you the papers and then you have sex with them. Right? And then after that, you'll basically have sex with them anytime they want. Right? Or do you have them retest between. Before every.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Well, I'm like, yeah, hopefully I'm someone I trust. And then they're like, hey, I hooked up with someone. I'm gonna get tested before we sleep together. That's the right thing to do. Is. Why is that foreign?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You still trust guys after buying four

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

cats and, yeah, I trust men.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, there's a tip. You can download a template online, though, for, like, you just fill in your name and it looks like. Like you have a positive, like, or negative. Red band.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

That's what he does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, I know. Who's making my next clean STD test. I never thought of that. I love it. Jamie Lee Simmons. Very funny. Have you on the secret show. Oh, my God. Here you go. Here's the big joke, Buck. The great Jamie Lee Simmons has made her Kill Tony debut. Let's get one more bucket pull up here. And then we're gonna put a big ribbon on this thing. Make some noise. One minute uninterrupted for Andrew Renaud, everybody. Andrew Renaud. Here we go. Oh, One more time for Andrew, everybody.

[Andrew Renaud]

Hello, hello, hello. Thank you for having me. It's my birthday today, if you can believe that. So I was going to try to grease the wheels a little bit and tell everybody it was my birthday when I signed up. But I had to let karma. I had to let karma work its way out. And I can't believe I'm the last bucket bull for tonight. I only have one joke prepared, and it's about Michael Lehrer. We could all just bow our heads for a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm ugly.

[Andrew Renaud]

Jesus. Sorry. So it'll be about A year since Michael passed. Soon, actually, the first time I ever signed up was on the night that he was supposed to do assisted suicide. That was Halloween two years ago, I think. And then he didn't do it. And I blame him because this is the joke that I had prepared in honor of Michael Lehrer's life. I want to take all of his performances, and I want to press them to vinyl. And if you want the authentic experience, you just listen to him at 33 speed, that super long drone. But if you want to hear him tell his jokes at a regular cadence, just play it at 78.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my joke. Okay. Well, in honor of Michael Lehrer, there was a long moment of silence at your. What should have been.

[Andrew Renaud]

There was no way this was gonna go well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. How are you, Andrew? This is your first time doing stand up? It is Hell, yeah.

[Andrew Renaud]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Andrew Renaud]

51 today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

51 today. Happy birthday, my friend.

[RFK Jr.]

Hold on. We're.

[Ari Shafir]

We're pretty much the same age, and you look like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What's been going on? What have you been doing these 51 years?

[Andrew Renaud]

I did a full career in the Navy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Andrew Renaud]

That's. That's where this comes from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So a lot of time in submarines?

[Andrew Renaud]

No, surface ships.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Why do you look like Old Navy?

[Andrew Renaud]

I am Old Navy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do. When you had the hat on, you looked like both Curious George and the owner.

[Andrew Renaud]

It is hot in here.

[Red Band]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is hot.

[Andrew Renaud]

Would you like me to put the hat back on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. I think it creates a little bit more, like, ability. There you go.

[Andrew Renaud]

Yeah, I know. I come across as a jerk, and that's what I know is going to make this super hard for me.

[RFK Jr.]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You like if somebody mushed Jack Black and Kyle Gass together and took out all the comedy. Okay, what's the funniest thing you think you've ever done before?

[Andrew Renaud]

Funniest thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever, like, pull a prank on you and the other Navy guys or something?

[Sam Henderson]

Well, I.

[Andrew Renaud]

It's a super long story, so be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's save it. Here's a big joke book. Just because it's your birthday. Congratulations. There he goes. Andrew Renaud. I love that you paid tribute to Michael Lair. That's cool. Killed the first ever member of the Kiltoni hall of Fame, the late, great Michael Lair. We love him and always will. One of my old, great best friends. Thank you. There he goes. Michael Renaud, everybody. And now with that said, it's time to get back to comedy, ladies and gentlemen. And with a show that started with William Montgomery, I think there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that there is one of the members of the new presidential administration on this panel because this young man, rfk. This young man is a guy who I'm really hoping we can speed up the citizenship process for. We need this guy to become an American. But right now, he is simply an Estonian assassin. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from the great office. Ari. Matty.

[Joe Barnholt]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a confession to make.

[RFK Jr.]

I eat ass. I'm tired of hiding it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies, don't hide your asshole. My tongue is going up that ass. If you're a lady with a guy who doesn't eat your ass, what's wrong? A little poo poo on your mouth, Gay boy?

[RFK Jr.]

I don't give a fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember when the research came out, they were like, it's official.

[Sturm Worm]

Squirt this piss.

[RFK Jr.]

I was at home, like, I guess I'm a toilet. I don't give a fuck. Every liquid you ladies make, I want in my mouth as soon as possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anybody on their period, save the tampon. I want to make some tea.

[RFK Jr.]

Later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Ari. Mattie has done it again. Add it. Add it to the compilation. Ladies and gentlemen, absolutely incredible. You have done it again. Every liquid a lady makes. How about tears? Would you take tears in your mouth? Everything, everything. Everything.

[RFK Jr.]

When I. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When I die. It's my will. When I die.

[RFK Jr.]

Mummy if I'm in used panties.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rfk jr knows a lot about human liquids and whatnot. What do you think about all this?

[RFK Jr.]

You, sir, are never getting into this country any do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't eating ass have some kind of vitamin or nutrients or something?

[RFK Jr.]

I mean, you do. You do bring up a pretty good point there, Tony. But the way he's eating ass, I could tell by how he's. He's doing it all wrong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I noticed you've been squeezing your cricket while saying all this. Marilyn Monroe. You named it. Marilyn Monroe told you that?

[RFK Jr.]

Who? Dear Ears, jackass. This is little Marilyn Monroe. And when you stroke her, she squirts. That's why I called her a little barrel Monroe. My father story my father told me. Anyway, Yes, there's all. I mean, there's so much protein this little. They're good pets. But one day I will consume her. And no, don't worry. Marilyn will be days from now, which is thousands of years for them. So it's all good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Ari. How's life been? What have you been up to?

[Red Band]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been chilling. Oh, I did the Adam Ray show. It was so, so nervous before it, but turns out Kiltoni fans, they love me. Yeah, they really do. I also. I did. The next night, he was in San Diego. You were in Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah. Nobody had a fight during my set.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was the. Perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I was in San Diego complimenting how great burritos are in San Diego. I don't know what's going on. I just cannot stay away from trouble lately. I talk about how great the burritos are in San Francisco. At the same time, I also say that the Mexican food overall is better in Texas. And they start booing. I go, I've lived there for four years, and I live. Lived here in California for about 20 years. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. They just keep booing based on principle. I tell them, you people have never left San Diego. Your parents live here. You were raised here. They all laughed, because that's true. And then one guy in the front goes, this little guy, he's like, excuse me. Like this, because it's California, and we wanted it. Me and Adam wanted to hear what he had to. Dr. Phil wanted to hear what he had to say. And so he goes, actually, the burrito is invented in San Francisco in 1975, which is like the dumbest, gayest thing ever humanly possible. And the crowd was just in a ruckus. There was something about this guy saying, san Francisco invented the burrito, me saying that Texas has better Mexican food. All the Latinos were having so much fun. There was one angry fat white woman, as always, right on cue. Just like a simple case of psychology. This is a woman that eats, eats, eats, eats, eats, Right? Consumes, consumes, consumes, consumes, and then has to blah, blah, blather dumb shit out of her face because you know there's got to be an opposite reaction. And so she started a fist fight with women around her that were like, shut up. Stop yelling. Because she was yelling. She wonder. She went for a choke. I saw that video. Yeah. It was absolutely insane. Nothing makes any sense anymore. Fat women have got out of control in this country. Yeah. So it's so obvious. You haven't hit women in a while. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable that the only person that caused any ruckus during my political thing was a fat white woman. I mean, it is just right on cue.

[Ari Shafir]

Robert, what'd you say about hitting white fat women? I heard you muttering over there.

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah, just quietly Agreeing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else going on, Ari? Also in that video, you know, she grabbed the girl's throat and the guy stood there. I think a reason to. If you grab my girl's throat, it's over, you fat piece of shit. Getting head kicked. The girl that was being grabbed was

[Simon Perkovich]

also really chill about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was like, she was super chill. And if you notice the guy next to her who's the, the girl whose neck is getting grabbed is like laughing and pointing at the lady like that. Which leads me to believe that his girl, who literally matched the exact. It was like they were grabbing each other's jugulars. I think that she had training of some kind. And the boyfriend's just like, you don't want to do this. Fat, stupid bitch.

[Rick Schneuer]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And like, they were. They were literally enjoying themselves. It was absolutely incredible. They had a great old time. It would shoot, you know. There was no victim other than the whiny lady that was mad about everything. The Pig as Red band just signified by that snorting sound effect. I'm just acknowledging the animal that he was doing an impression of. I was just yawning.

[RFK Jr.]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari. Maddie. Another unbelievable set. That's how you fucking do it. The regulars tonight. Absolutely. Absolutely. Incredible. Future American citizen. Ari. Matty. I gotta tell you guys, for the love of God, Kyle dunnigan.com get tickets. See this guy on tour. Absolutely. Just destroyed all weekend. This is the plug that RFK Jr. Was interested in. He's a big Kyle Dunnigan fan. How about, how loud can this place get for the great RFK Jr. I mean, wow. I don't know about you guys. I don't know. I, I if it translated to your homes halfway. As hard as it made me laugh, I was dying tonight. He was just muttering. I, I would, I would venture to say, without a doubt, he's in the running for guest of the year.

[Ari Shafir]

He was just muttering in character the whole time off mic, just going

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hysteric. Very hard to host this type of show where I literally just want to fall back in my chair laughing the whole time. I have to somehow keep it together. Ari. Shafir. What's going on? You're in town all week, huh?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm in town all week. I'm just hanging out in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we're going to have so much fun.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a cool town. I saw some good honky tonks today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Slide guitar. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm so excited. Excited. We're excited.

[Ari Shafir]

I got a new Special coming out January 14th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. January 14th. What's it called?

[Ari Shafir]

It's called America, sweetheart, because that's what I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. That's adorable.

[RFK Jr.]

Thank you.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll show you guys my pubes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm done with that. I'm done with that. Newly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check that out on Netflix. Kyle dunigan.com. he's on tour. You saw it here tonight. Let him know you came from the Kill Tony universe. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers has. Oh, my God. Is that little baby Tony? Oh, my God. Oh, my. That's adorable.

[Jamie Lee Simmons]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the cutest thing ever. Look at that. My hairline wasn't that big when I was a baby, but his mustache was. That is a adorable. How about a hand for Chris Rogers? Chris Rogers Art, Zippix, toothpicks. And again, another big shout out to the amazing people over at Ghost Patch Custom. They make a bunch of stuff. Patches, pins, poker chips, decals, badges, coins. Bunch of stuff. Check them out. Ghost Patch custom dot com. Send some traffic their way. These amazing. I bombed it. Killed Tony Torpedoes are absolutely unbelievable. It's all run by police officers. Former police officers. So that's cool. Thank you so much for coming out, everybody. Red band. Love you guys. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Sam. Sa.