#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Summary

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Kill Tony #698: Sam Tallent + Ari Shaffir

Date: December 31, 2024
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Sam Tallent, Ari Shaffir
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This high-octane year-end episode of Kill Tony features beloved comedians Sam Tallent and the always unpredictable Ari Shaffir. As always, aspiring comics are plucked from the bucket for one minute of stand-up, with panel and audience riffing throughout. This show leans into outrageous crowdwork, unsparing roasts, and a running theme of public weigh-ins, with classics like William Montgomery and Cam Patterson joined by a mix of newcomers, magicians, and even a former international crime “henchman.” Along the way: jaw-dropping magic, wild personal confessions, unfiltered comedy critiques, and group therapy sessions masquerading as crowd interviews.

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Key Segments and Highlights

1. Show Opening & Guest Introduction (03:40–04:20)

• Tony amps up the crowd, describing the show as “unstoppable momentum.”
• Tony Hinchcliffe: "Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show, two of the funniest humans, two of our true brothers. This is Sam Talent and Ari Shaffir." (04:16)

2. Classic William Montgomery Crowdwork & Anniversary Reflections (07:35–19:10)

• William celebrates six years as a Kill Tony regular.
• Roasts an audience member’s cleavage and bounces off the panel for crowdwork.
• Tells stories of early comedy days, including having joke books stolen at Colorado open mics—including by “that homeless person was Hans Kim.” (11:21, Sam Talent)
• Discusses bad Christmas memories, weird Call of Duty habits, and snack misadventures.
• Tony repeatedly encourages more crowd engagement and improvisational riffing, shifting between heartfelt and savage.

3. Erica Kuharsky: Comedy, OnlyFans, and Giantess Foot Porn (20:03–29:11)

• Erica jokes about her forehead, marriage, cultural guilt, and her life bouncing between Airbnb basements.
• Reveals that she and her husband film/edit "giantess" and feet-based adult content under the name “Wrecking Becca.”
• Ari Shaffir: “What's the edit for? Is he putting like special effects, little Ewoks fighting in between your toes?” (25:40)
• Erica gives an onstage demonstration, removing her sock to the panel’s playful horror.

4. Layman Merle Huber: The Stroke Survivor’s Comedy Revival (30:28–41:58)

• Layman (aka “Lee”) shares his journey from stroke victim to stand-up, jokes about “immature ejaculation,” and recounts being homeless, losing his RV to a “rich, mentally retarded punk fan,” and reconciling with his son.
• Ari Shaffir: “I’ve never seen a sadder, more positive guy in my life.” (42:28)
• Panel blends real empathy with relentless riffs on his misadventures and disability.

5. Buckets, Magicians, and Live Magic: Wes Barker’s Lemon Trick (44:58–53:12)

• Professional magician Wes Barker riffs on hating to perform for kids vs. adults.
• Performs a signature trick: A signed $100 bill disappears and reappears, impossibly, inside a lemon extracted from a volunteer’s purse.
• Tony: "This is one of those moments we will never forget." (64:18)

6. J.P. Hinsdale: Bisexual Confessions & The On-Stage Weigh-In (53:28–67:30)

• J.P. discusses coming out as bisexual and the resulting strange encounters.
• Heavy jokes abound—both metaphorical and literal—as the panel grills him about his eating habits, weight (“What’s your number, Tony?”), and health.
• Live Onstage Weigh-In: J.P. believes he’s 377lbs, the scale reads 437lbs, sending the crowd and panel into hysterics.
• Sam Talent: “Do you have siblings, J.P.? Is there a 600-pound sister?” (62:43)

7. Cam Patterson: Black History Museum & Crowd Energy (68:12–74:54)

• Cam describes a visit to the DC Black History Museum, roasts audience energy, and riffs on family dynamics and racial food stereotypes.
• Tony and Sam play off his riffs, adding edgy museum jokes and affectionate banter about race, culture, and black family humor.

8. Peter Grant: The Immigrant Blue-Collar Carpenter (75:31–83:22)

• Australian-Canadian Peter Grant offers construction worker humor and stories from Vancouver; reveals his wife is a chef and he’s living in Texas on a marriage visa.
• Shares the experience of comforting a bridge jumper as a first responder.
• Rapid-fire questions about his global transitions and affection for smoking.

9. More Bucket Pulls: Lino Rodriguez, Eric Galagos, Judah Z, Corinne Aaliyah (83:49–113:50)

• Lino Rodriguez: Mitch Hedberg-style delivery, “New York Sober,” and another onstage weigh-in (265lbs vs. his guess of 170).
• Eric Galagos: Tinder disasters, crackhead-pothole analogies, and the perils of second dates as an awkward comic/falconer.
• Judah Z: Jokes about Jewishness and working for real-life international supervillain Paul LaRue, including stories of bribes, near-genocide, and writing a “henchman” sitcom.
• Corinne Aaliyah: Cajun-Pakistani origins, repetitive "thank you" catchphrase, gyms and “Big Mike” shenanigans, and an onstage revelation of her older boyfriend (Josh).

10. Finale: Ari Matti, the Estonian Assassin, and Invitations on Tour (114:35–end)

• Ari Matti hammers American “cancel culture,” masturbation habits, and Uber Eats, ending with gratitude for America’s conveniences.
• Ari Shaffir invites Ari Matti to open for him on tour in San Antonio. (122:02)
• Tony: “Absolutely incredible. How about a hand for our amazing guests... Two of the best guests to ever do it.” (123:34)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ari Shafir (on not getting naked): “Turn over a new leaf. I don’t do that anymore. It’s childish.” (04:39)
• Sam Talent (on Call of Duty grind): “I’ll be your emotional support human. Yeah, it’s fine.” (17:09)
• Tony (after J.P. weighed in): “My God. Ladies and gentlemen, 437 pounds. Oh my God. Wow.” (64:32)
• Erica Kuharsky: “I have really pretty feet. …We edit porn.” (25:15)
• Layman Merle Huber: “I mean, consider that everything that I do, I can say I did single-handedly.” (32:40)
• Judah Z (on working for Paul LaRue): “He was an international criminal… his name’s Paul LaRue. You could Google him.” (101:03)
• Tony (after Ari Matti’s set): “What a country. Absolutely ridiculously amazing. 2 minutes and 30 seconds, with five times as many punch lines as anyone else.” (117:01)
• Ari Shaffir (offering a tour spot): “How would you like to open for me in San Antonio in February?” (122:02)

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Segment Timestamps

• Show Opening & Guest Intro: 03:40–04:20
• William Montgomery Segment: 07:35–19:10
• Erica Kuharsky Set & Interview: 20:03–29:11
• Layman Merle Huber Set & Interview: 30:28–41:58
• Wes Barker Magic Set: 44:58–53:12
• J.P. Hinsdale + Weigh-In: 53:28–67:30
• Cam Patterson Set & Interview: 68:12–74:54
• Peter Grant Set & Interview: 75:31–83:22
• Buckets: Lino Rodriguez, etc.: 83:49–113:50
• Ari Matti Set & Closing: 114:35–end

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Final Thoughts

This episode is quintessential Kill Tony: fast, unfiltered, packed with wild stories that teeter between hysterical and heartrending. The chemistry between the panel, especially Sam Tallent and Ari Shaffir, keeps the riff-driven segments electric even when bucket comics bomb or bare their souls. Standout guests and weird audience moments (like public scales, feet reveals, and revelations from Jewish international crime “henchmen”) ensure this episode earns its spot as a memorable New Year’s blowout for the legendary live podcast.

Quote to Sum It Up:
"You’re witnessing a live male rape, everybody, by one of the most homophobic security guards at the club." – Tony Hinchcliffe (43:47)

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For fans of the show, this episode is unmissable for its sharp crowd work, genuine backstage stories, and boundary-pushing humor — all with a riotous New Year’s energy.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

[Brian Redband]

This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts.

[Brian Redband]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv.

[Brian Redband]

And now, here's a brand new episode

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of Kill Tony, the uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world. Snuggle up, stay warm. December 30th and 31st with a completely uncensored Kill Tony's live from the H E B Center in Austin, Texas. We're this is a new super annual amazing event. It is our biggest two night event of the year and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now. Kill Tony live dot com. Get it for your loved ones. Get it for yourself. Love it or hate it live December 30th and 31st. Hey, this is redbay coming to you

[Brian Redband]

live from the comedy mothership here in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode to Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Let's go. Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Welcome. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck we feeling tonight, huh? Brian Redband is here. Ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for the best stand band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Esteban Viejo, Juan Cortez, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muhling on the electric, John Dees on the keys and Deep Madness on the bass guitar. The whole family is here, everyone very, very excited about tonight's episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready to start this show, huh? Well, well, well. We're all here. And you know, this is just one of those episodes that are. It's just nothing can stop its momentum. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show, two of the funniest humans, two of our true brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in the history of the show. Two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is Sam Talent and Ari Shafir.

[William Montgomery]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The greatest powerful, Ari Shafir, One of the goats of gas. Sam Talon, live in the flesh. Ari Shapir, fully clothed tonight. You gotta love it.

[Ari Shafir]

Turn over a new leaf. I don't do that anymore. It's childish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. We've been through a lot together. We have seen a lot of each other and it is good to have you back.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks, buddy. It's hard to concentrate. I see a lot of cleavage right that way. It's gonna be difficult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little beautiful little baskets right there. Absolutely fantastic. Wagah. Front row. Right in the front.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, I gotta tie my shoe real quick. Okay, got it, got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, her laces are untied too. Ari, you might have to go tie her shoes.

[Sam Talent]

They're right there, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're gonna be there all night long. I could throw a little joke book right in there right now. No doubt about it. I could probably throw a big joke book in there. Oh, she's fixing it. She's no fun. She must be visiting from LA or something. I'm excited. I'm being fucking objectified in the 6th street in Texas by fucking comedians at the front row of a dirty comedy show. Stop fixing it, you hoe.

[Sam Talent]

What's your onlyfans?

[Deep Madness]

No.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, fellas, I got it. Yeah, they put the horny in horn players over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. 226 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight. You know what I'm gonna do? Okay, well, we'll see what happens here. Sure, we'll get that one going. We'll let. We'll let big tits Jenkins pick the. Pick the Jenkins, pull two at once. Oh, there they go, bouncing around. Oh, look at that.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a woman to start.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a woman to start. So we'll do that one first and the one that fell out second. Go wrangled in. What are the odds?

[Sam Talent]

Did you see the boyfriend? Don't worry, we'll do something you like next week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, have fun. Have fun sitting through three and a half hours of wicked. You. Oh, you're safe space. It was a wizard of us. Oh, you're so. And you're going to have to do it with your dick halfway out too. If it's truly even Stevens, that shaft is to be blasting with popcorn butter all over if she has to be here with her tits half out. You have to watch Wicked with your shaft out. Yeah, that is. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

But no tip, just shaft.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

Cuz there's no nipples over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, exactly.

[Sam Talent]

It's all the quality, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. And then maybe there'll be some women that walk by like, wow, look at that money maker. You know what I mean? Just like what happened here.

[Sam Talent]

Nature is healing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna have some fucking fun tonight. And I'm warning you right now, it shall start with a God damn bang of unconceivable proportions. As you guys know as fans of the show, everybody does 60 seconds, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And tonight we start with a regular who needs no introduction at all. Yet I will still give him one. Some people call him the Victor of Van Nuys. Some people call him the Educator of Edinburgh. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. To start tonight's episode, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the hall of Famer with more appearances than any comedian in history. The most interviews in Kill Tony history. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Damn.

[Brian Redband]

Let me see them titties.

[William Montgomery]

Holy.

[Brian Redband]

No, seriously.

[William Montgomery]

Pfizer is about to release a new version of the COVID vaccine. And the worst part is that it includes a new YouTube album in the syringe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Quick housekeeping.

[William Montgomery]

A note. Tonight's proceeds will benefit the defense fund of Harvey Weinstein. I'm gonna start selling shirts to say I survived the Me Too movement. Let's be honest though, considering I've only talked to four girls in my life, including my mom, I didn't really survive the MeToo movement. It's like being locked up at rikers island on 911 and later you tell someone, yeah, I was there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my team. William, one of the most loved humans in the history of the show. A master of likability, a master of charisma.

[William Montgomery]

It is so nice to be here. And I think this woman, after I tell you, it's literally, this is Tony. My six year anniversary of being a regular on the show. So I think you really. Is that your man right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do some more crowd work, ask him some more. Ask him some more questions. You're just going to stop after asking if that's their man? You're not going to make a joke or anything, you're just going to nod along? No.

[William Montgomery]

Now I feel awkward because she really does have some really nice titties. It Looks like. I mean, look at those things. So when y' all have sex, do you get on top of them?

[Deep Madness]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Or does he get on top of you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great question. Keep asking.

[William Montgomery]

How do y' all do it? How y' all do it last?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Sam Talent]

She said. She said on top.

[William Montgomery]

You get on top of. Oh, I bet your titties are really bouncing them. Yikes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wondered what you were getting at there. That's Me too, Tony. Me too. Me too.

[Sam Talent]

Hashtag.

[William Montgomery]

Me too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hashtag. Me too. Yeah. My goodness, what an amazing legend of the game. You guys have seen William many times before. Sam used to hang out with him in the mean streets of Colorado together.

[Sam Talent]

He was. Go ahead.

[William Montgomery]

You were there that fateful night at the Squire Lounge. They were doing an open mic there, and it's when I was drinking a lot, I would put my backpack behind me and I had a notebook in there filled with jokes. And a homeless person stole my backpack that night.

[Sam Talent]

And that homeless person was Hans Kim. Yeah, you were like. You were like, what am I going to do? How will I ever be able to remember all my genius musings? And it was mostly like, when dad comes home, we have a song about it. That was. That joke was in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it was in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You got it back, though.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I did not get it back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we have a special thing that's happening. I can't believe you organically brought this up. We have two special sacks for you.

[Ari Shafir]

I got two special sacks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, you really just stepped on the whole thing I was doing there. Thank you, Ari. Sorry. It was basically getting back to her fat tits, but you had to make it about your balls. I clearly nothing I was getting to there as the host of the show, but. Very good. Everybody knows everybody. Ari has two ball sacks. More educational than it is comedy. You may not know it is an anatomical anomaly.

[Deep Madness]

They call it.

[Sam Talent]

It's two sacks, but it's still also just two testicles. They live separately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, I was doing another she has tits joke. We're going to have to give her like 50 grand at the end of this episode to say that she enjoyed herself. It's going to be great what she makes monthly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to have to promote something

[William Montgomery]

for your nipples pierced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, do you have, like.

[William Montgomery]

Do you have, like, a really hot. If they were pierced.

[Eric Galagos]

Are they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have, like, a small business you'd like us to promote or something? You don't make things on Etsy or something like that? Anything. Do you have an only fan we can make this up to you. What do you do for a living? What is. What do you do? A concierge. Wow.

[Sam Talent]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

What is that? An expensive escort?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that? Is that what that is? How about. How about your man here, sir? What do you do? We'll plug something for you. You work in my. Okay, well, you guys, you know, you need to start your own businesses or something. What can I say, William? What else is going on in the world?

[William Montgomery]

I am praying to God I can convince Red Band to come to my parents house at Christmas. Now, Red Band, y' all grew up in not the best situation. He hates Christmas. And let's keep that between us. It's really not a good time for him.

[Deep Madness]

Again.

[William Montgomery]

He grew up in like, this really poor family and he wouldn't get presents or anything. So. The guy hates Christmas, so I'm trying to get him to come to Memphis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, Red Band, is anybody in your family allergic to cats by any chance? Because I don't know if you know this, but Red Band literally is covered in cat hair. Everybody. I don't know if you see that, but there it goes. A little gift. A little gift for the audience. Oh, she's gonna catch it. She's gonna. There it is. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of fucking Disgusting with your superstar Brian Redband, where Tony picks things off a Red Band and throws it in the crowd.

[Sam Talent]

Redband hates Christmas because the cookies are for Santa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you have to leave Santa some breast milk.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah, your algorithm's.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. We get on Red Band's phone one night and Mitzi's after this. We're all joking around about what our Instagram algorithms are, and I swear to God, Red Band gets his up and it's all women and their children breastfeeding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, look at that one. That's like an 8 year old. Believe it. That's a fully grown kid.

[Peter Grant]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What a loophole. God, it's still that way. Red man, it's unbelievable. It is unbelievable.

[Sam Talent]

Sometimes the babies are dolls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And it's full grown adults. There's like an 11 year old on one of the ones he just had out. Which leads me to my point, sir, if you suck on her. All right, this is out of control. Even D Madness is like. I can't even look at this anymore. All right, we're having fun. You really want Red Band to come over for Christmas?

[William Montgomery]

Red Band, Are y' all gonna come?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you want Red Band to come?

[Deep Madness]

What are you looking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you looking forward to? The most I don't know. With red band. I hate Christmas so much. Oh, my goodness. I really don't like it. Shock.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I mean, it's going to be okay. Your mom is coming.

[Peter Grant]

I told you that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, your mom's going to be there.

[William Montgomery]

We got to do mattress down in the bedroom I grew up in, so she's going to be really comfortable. But we don't even have to talk about that, though. Red band, please come.

[Sam Talent]

I'll think about it. Okay.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. How exciting. Could be there in Memphis.

[Ari Shafir]

What's to think about? Just go.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. William, what else is going on other than the Christmas spirits and whatnot?

[William Montgomery]

Not a lot. Well, Tony, you're not going to want to hear this, but I actually now on Call of Duty, I started playing. Nobody wants to hear this. But now on Call of Duty, it's been a big part of my life the past week. Now I've Call of Duty, I'm playing the zombies thing. And I realized that I'm really close to getting Opal camouflage on my AK47.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say no one's, which is

[William Montgomery]

like a big deal, Tony, I swear, it's a lot of time I've been putting into it. I'm not really good at the games, so don't ever look me up on there. But I put a lot of time in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People can look you up.

[William Montgomery]

They could. I'm not going to do my name out right now because I was trying to play with my brother the other night and these random people kept on getting on because at one point when I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine, I would get on just to talk shit. And I was befriending people. So now when I logged back on, it was all these kind of. Probably some nice people, but it was people I. I don't remember talking to. So I don't want to talk to them now.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll go on there. What's your name on there? I'll find you on there. What's your name?

[William Montgomery]

I mean, I'm not saying my name.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, okay.

[Sam Talent]

I'll be your emotional support human. Yeah, it's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, we love you. What else is going on? Did you eat anything good this week? You're a little healthy boy. You have a good appetite.

[William Montgomery]

At a Philly cheesesteak in Indiana. That was not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I

[William Montgomery]

ate some egg rolls. Those were not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

It's been a really bad week for me with the food.

[Sam Talent]

You saw me eat a piece of white bread last night.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, you were dabbing your head with white bread. You were going up to everybody saying you were really hot. You would dab your head with the bread. It was hilarious. It was hilarious.

[Sam Talent]

I put it. I took it out of my coat pocket, act like it was a pocket square. And then your brother fucking stonewalled me, so I did it to him. And then I ate the piece of bread afterward and he was like, oh, hell,

[Cam Patterson]

I remember.

[Sam Talent]

Good Lord. Covered in sorghum. That's a funny bit.

[William Montgomery]

I know. He loved it. I loved it too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is something else. Selden Montgomery, truly one of the funniest human beings just rolling around here not to win. Stand up comedy surprises me. It's like a super talent that blatantly could do it, you know?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I don't know. Well, he's about. We're renting a car and we're gonna take the drive from Austin to Memphis in a couple of. Couple of days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why are you driving?

[William Montgomery]

I like to drive. I, unlike red band, have very nice memories of Christmas. So I am really looking forward to going back to my parents house on Christmas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long of a drive is that?

[William Montgomery]

Nine and a half hours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why didn't you fly?

[William Montgomery]

Seven hours if I take Adderall and I might. I might take some Adderall and so we'll see, that's. Then I don't have to stop and I drive really fast. But if I smoke weed or something, then I drive slow. So if I just take Adderall, I get in the zone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Auto zone.

[Sam Talent]

It's eight and a half hours or one. Montgomery family sing along.

[William Montgomery]

Yep, we have really long sing alongs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, before I let you go, anything you're passionate about this week?

[William Montgomery]

I am passionate about getting my motherfucking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Opal camouflage of my assault rifle. There you go.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun. But now we get to the bread and butter of the show, the true beating heart of kill, Tony the Bucket. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, my God, a sausage fest like this. There's guys up here that have two ball sacks. You got Heidi, the lovely Heidi, balancing the sky. All right, our first bucket bowl tonight. Goes by the name of Erica Kuharsky. We're gonna meet her all together right now. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Erica Kuharsky. Hell yeah.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Peyton Manning and me were forehead twins. Yeah, you like that? Y' all got extra yardage. Call that a personal foul, Kuharski. It's half German, half Polish. So Germany invaded Poland and Then my relatives invaded Poland. That's my white guilt. Yeah. Dealing with a lot of that. I just got married, you guys. With that forehead. Yep, it's possible. It's pretty great, guys. I don't have mental illness anymore. We have mental illness. Definitely try it out. It's great. He's Hispanic, I'm white. So our couple name is Wet Cracker. To be politically correct. Moist Saltine. It's great. I went to school for. That's right. I went to school for archaeology because I'm really good at digging up the path and telling everyone about it. Thank you, guys. I'm Erica Kowarski.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Erica, that was very funny. I was laughing. I was laughing because Ari took a sip of his beer and poured it on himself. Had nothing to do with what you were talking about over there.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Damn it.

[Ari Shafir]

Somebody filled it up too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a can. It's a can, Ari. Oh, my goodness. Hi, Erica.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Hey there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Erica Kuharsky]

About 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 years? Jesus fucking Christ, Erica. Oh, don't clap for that, people. That's not a thing.

[Sam Talent]

10 years doesn't seem a day over one year.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You've aged gracefully.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're still a substitute teacher or no.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Is that what you fantasized? I was up here. No, no, I'm not doing that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where have you done these 10 years of hard work and stand up of kind comedy?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Well, I started in improv for a couple years and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're counting that with the 10?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah. So let's give seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry, you're gonna say stand up for seven?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Those three years of improv are really shining.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. You're doing a lot of yesing. It's the. And we have to work on.

[Erica Kuharsky]

All right, I can work on that. Yes.

[Sam Talent]

And I liked the opener about the forehead.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Thank you.

[Sam Talent]

That's a funny thing to say right away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam's a huge football fan.

[Sam Talent]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Coming from Colorado. He is a big Peyton Manning fan, so you could have said anything about Peyton Manning there and he would have found it interesting.

[Deep Madness]

Oh, yeah.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Perfect. Yeah, I love to pander. That's my favorite thing to do.

[Sam Talent]

It's a good move.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Love football.

[Sam Talent]

Football rules. Go on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rules.

[Erica Kuharsky]

It's the best. If I'm not watching football, I'm not living.

[Sam Talent]

Now we're talking.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Touchdown, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Oh, my goodness. She's saying keywords from football, ladies and gentlemen.

[Sam Talent]

I'm close. Keep going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, baby.

[Sam Talent]

What are your thoughts on holding?

[Erica Kuharsky]

On holding?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Oh, I. I hold that yellow flag.

[Brian Redband]

I don't.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Drop it, baby. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense.

[Sam Talent]

Picking up the Kleenex.

[Erica Kuharsky]

This has gone a little far.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yeah. Not 10 yards, though.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Hey, that's a first down.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Sam Talent]

She's an improv genius, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is unbelievable. There's a lot of brain behind that forehead. Which is interesting. You mentioned the forehead a couple times during the set. But meanwhile, it is the sixth ugliest thing about you. I've got the notes here. I didn't find it to be the standout terrible feature about you. I found it.

[Erica Kuharsky]

What was number five? Just curious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greasy hair. Thank you. Yeah, it's unbelievably unwashed. Greasy hair. Looks uncanny Kept especially for a big show like this.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it's like you have helmet head.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah, right. I. I gotta take that off before I come over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like you haven't watched since your improv days. Erica, where do you live?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Right now I'm just mobile, but we're gonna move here in Austin at the end of the month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live in your car?

[Erica Kuharsky]

We live in an Airbnb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, okay.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Erica Kuharsky]

We were doing basement travel between the relatives, so I was in Atlanta for a month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say basement travel, what does that mean? I've never heard of that before.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Right. Well, I have a lot of relatives and we just go between aunts, so I have an aunt in Georgia that we were living in the basement, and before that, my parents. Basement.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So basically there's a lot of basements going on. That must be what adds that dewy moisture to the hair that I'm noticing. Right on.

[Erica Kuharsky]

It's very humid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thinking a lot of moisture. Unnecessary moisture. Erica, what exactly do you do for a living?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Right. Right now, I'm in between jobs. I help my husband with digital media.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

We do.

[Erica Kuharsky]

We edit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So interesting.

[Erica Kuharsky]

We edit porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, now we're getting there. There we go. And we're back. Open with that next time. Fuck. Peyton Manning. Seven years of comedy. Really? Wow.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Like, I have really pretty feet. So I've been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, it's your feet?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Well, that's the part that I do. And then he does the video editing with a different company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. So you guys take videos of your feet and he edits them, Is that right?

[Sam Talent]

Hey, do you want to do the secret show?

[Ari Shafir]

What's the edit for?

[Ari Matti]

Feet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, what's going on there? Is he putting in, like, stuff special effects or something? Is there, like, little Ewoks fighting in between your toes or something?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Sometimes. Are you into that. It's a giantist porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love giantist porn. It's great.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yep. They just. They. Yeah, they love the feet. And. Yes. They put tiny people next to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They love. Is this a real thing? Are you kidding? I can't tell what's going on anymore. I dated a girl that did.

[Erica Kuharsky]

People love big women, but giantess people love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where would people find your work? Where would people find.

[Erica Kuharsky]

I'm wrecking Becca.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wrecking Becca on what? Basement feet dot com.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Or how do we find relatives Are us. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oops.

[Sam Talent]

Time for Red Band to pretend like he doesn't know what that is.

[Peter Grant]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Looking it up over here. Keep looking. Clips for sale.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Like on Twitter.

[Sam Talent]

Do you like stomping wet dog food and stuff?

[Erica Kuharsky]

I don't do that.

[Sam Talent]

Why not? Don't you want to make money? That's where the action is.

[Erica Kuharsky]

You gotta order a custom, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay.

[Erica Kuharsky]

No, it's like special effects, stomping stuff.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So reckon Becca is on. How would people find it?

[Erica Kuharsky]

You can find it on Twitter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. There you go. So you look on Twitter. That's a video.

[Ari Shafir]

You ever breastfeed with your feet would

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

not be the thing.

[Erica Kuharsky]

I'll look into it. That's a good idea.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Yeah. Hey, I'm all about the money. If you can get some. Get some.

[Judah Z]

What makes.

[Sam Talent]

What makes your feet so, like, sexually exceptional?

[Erica Kuharsky]

They're big. They're size 10.

[Deep Madness]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Disgusting.

[Brian Redband]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, brutal.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah, pretty good.

[Ari Shafir]

Can we see one?

[Sam Talent]

No, show us the bad one.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll give you $8 if I can see one.

[Cam Patterson]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this your sock removal? This is wrecking. Back up. Oh, my goodness.

[Brian Redband]

Whoa.

[Sam Talent]

You're really stretching out that sock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there it goes.

[Sam Talent]

It's like watching Reverse birth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. This is incredible, guys.

[Ari Shafir]

I wish you could see this because you'd be incredibly not turned on or off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just there's, like angry ants in the background. Like, put your feet away.

[Ari Shafir]

You got merch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God. Jesus. All right.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Doing that. Hoping comedy takes off. But yikes, what you're trying to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You better. You better keep those money makers protected those socks. Double socket lady. Because the comedy, it ain't gonna happen. Can you put your fist in your mouth?

[Erica Kuharsky]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good, Red Band. Put the mic down. Very good. Great stuff. Great stuff. Red Band. Comedy from Red Band, everybody. All right. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Life's just been kind of crazy. I got married in October.

[Ari Shafir]

Congratulations.

[Erica Kuharsky]

So just kind of getting back to the swing of things and trying to figure out where we're living and everything. After you plan a wedding, so.

[Sam Talent]

So congratulations.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Oh, God.

[Erica Kuharsky]

I know. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you get married at?

[Erica Kuharsky]

In Las Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. And then. So you guys just have been Airbnb since then?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yep. In the basements, of course. We've been hitting the open mics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he does comedy, too.

[Erica Kuharsky]

He does, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Terrible. I'm gonna let you out of here. I'm gonna show you some mercy.

[Ari Shafir]

I got an idea for you for a video. There's a room in the Holocaust memorial in Washington, D.C. with just a bunch of shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a little joke book. There she goes, everybody. Erica Kuharsk, those boots are made for walking. Right there.

[Sam Talent]

Sock it to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, let's get that started, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Okay, very good. All right, I got it. This person is in a wheelchair is what you're telling me. They need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Okay, got it, ladies and gentlemen. The next person will need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Isn't that the greatest intro you've ever heard, ladies? Who loves handicap people, huh? You know, it could be the next superstar on this show. We love handicapped people. Make some noise for Layman Merle. Layman Merle Hubis. Layman Merle Hubis, everybody. It doesn't seem like he's in a wheelchair. It's a miracle.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a mirror.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Layman Merle Hubis. I do believe.

[Deep Madness]

I'm exhausted after this shit. My name is Layman Merle Huber. I go by Lee. And those of you calling me Stroke Lee, well, actually, it's kind of cool you can call me that. I am divorced. And there's a lot of reasons for that divorce, but I guess the best one was that I had problems in the bedroom. Yeah, Every time we'd make love, I'd start coming. I'd start laughing uncontrollably. I'd make crazy faces. And she didn't like it. And so I went to the doctor, found out I'm suffering from immature ejaculation. But while I was there, he said, you know, prostate ejaculation is good for your prostate. You should tell your wife that. I said, shit. She's not gonna leave that shit. You're gonna have to write me a prescription. So I go home. Hey, baby, remember that lecture you gave me the other day about following doctor's orders and shit? Well, here. And she looked at the prescription and said, that's awesome. Why don't you take it to the pharmacy and get it filled so that fucker at CVS hadn't stopped calling me for refills. I guess that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Layman. Merle Huber, welcome to the show. Layman.

[Deep Madness]

How are you, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going, my man?

[Deep Madness]

Wonderful. I'm just a little exhausted from walking up the stairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. What is your condition exactly?

[Deep Madness]

I had a stroke on my birthday of this year.

[Sam Talent]

Happy birthday.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you doing some kind of special celebrating or something like that that made the stroke happen? Were you drinking? Were you eating cake? What happened?

[Deep Madness]

No, everybody thought I was drunk because I started losing my balance and then, you know, next thing you know I sit down and I can't. I can't get out of the chair,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but God damn it.

[Deep Madness]

Hey, it's not all bad, you know.

[Sam Talent]

It's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Deep Madness]

I mean, consider that everything that I do, I can say I did single handedly. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Reminds me of my honeymoon.

[Deep Madness]

Well, besides that. Plus I have the kung fu grip that I always wanted with my GI Joe.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh yeah.

[Deep Madness]

I mean I can grab on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh yeah, your GI Joe.

[Deep Madness]

GI Joe, Kung fu grip. Remember that?

[Ari Shafir]

What does that do with you?

[Deep Madness]

Not 70s. I'm an old guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Deep Madness]

58. Almost 59.

[Sam Talent]

You look great.

[Deep Madness]

Thank you. Yeah, I feel okay.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do you do for a living?

[Deep Madness]

I'm a video producer, live stream producer and comedian. But I. I used to own a comedy club in Arlington.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Deep Madness]

Hyenas Comedy club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Deep Madness]

And did comedy for a while and then I. I've taken a 10 or 12 year hiatus, but I'm back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh yeah.

[Deep Madness]

Got divorced and now I can do whatever the I want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn right. Yeah, absolutely.

[Sam Talent]

Except for clap your hand, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Deep Madness]

Well,

[Sam Talent]

okay. All right.

[Deep Madness]

Challenge my ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good old jokes.

[Deep Madness]

I could still slap a. You know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Sam Talent]

It's like looking into the future right now.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there you were, celebrating with friends and family. What did it feel like? What does it feel like when a stroke is happening? Does it feel. Feel like anything or is it parts?

[Deep Madness]

Well, mine took about two days. You know, I would. Had been working and I thought my arm was getting sore because all the lifting and stuff and I was telling my buddy, but that was the first sign. I just didn't know. And then I started losing my balance and I was at the party and then I sat down in a lounge chair and I couldn't get up my arm leg quit working and that was it. Someone had to Carry me to the car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Funny. When he was saying that, I just saw a bunch of fat dudes just kind of grabbing their arm in the audience.

[Deep Madness]

No, but I. I am, you know, I was. I've been homeless for a while, but I'm gonna, I am gonna recover. Don't worry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're homeless?

[Deep Madness]

I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I was gonna say I was.

[Deep Madness]

My brother took me in after my stroke and I've been in a. In Granbury sitting by myself 16 hours a day watching Kill Donnie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. I love it.

[Sam Talent]

I would have killed myself

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

if it

[Deep Madness]

wasn't for Kill Tony. I probably would.

[Sam Talent]

No, that's why I would have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Laughter is the best medicine.

[Deep Madness]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. So what else do you do?

[Deep Madness]

Well, I haven't been able to do much, but thanks for asking. You know, I'd like to do a lot of stuff for. I like to. I like to do a lot of two handed. Play pool, play guitar, you know, things like that I can't do, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, that's what you used to do.

[Deep Madness]

I used a lot of stuff, but you know, I still got one hand. Played darts. Yeah, Yeah. I got, I got into a fight with the guy and he said I'm not, you know, you're in a wheelchair. And I asked other guy in a wheelchair to get out of his. Let's do it, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Deep Madness]

Put your other hand behind your back and we'll do it, you know.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little wild roller derby going on over there.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you a smoker?

[Deep Madness]

I am a smoker, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You're still smoking?

[Deep Madness]

Oh yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Respect.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a quitter.

[Sam Talent]

Hell no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Hell yeah. You already survived the worst part that could happen.

[Deep Madness]

No, I, I actually, I just started again. I don't have a problem quitting it starting. I have the problem with, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean by that? Exactly what I mean by that.

[Deep Madness]

I quit all the time. It's just. I can't resist the starting up again. But I can put it down, no problem for a little while, you know.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, you can put it down, no problem.

[Deep Madness]

No, yeah, no problem for about six hours. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Ex wife ears that you keep mentioning. How long were you with her for?

[Deep Madness]

20 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you hate about her?

[Deep Madness]

I don't hate her. I'm still madly in love with her, but I just know that I could never be married to her again the way she treated me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how did she treat you? Let's talk about it.

[Deep Madness]

You know, just the. When you, when someone that tells you you're the most important person to them in your life. And then all of a sudden they ghost you and treat you like you don't exist. You know, it's kind of a painful thing, but. Well, she made me sleep on the porch one time, but. What? Yeah, I was back porch in the heat.

[Sam Talent]

It's because you didn't have a ramp to get in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, this was pre stroke.

[Deep Madness]

This is pre stroke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She probably caused the damn stroke.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah, probably had a lot to do with it. Yeah. Yeah. I ended up losing my house, all my money and ended up. Well, I had a career issue. I lost my career and then I ended up being homeless. I bought an RV and it got stolen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did they steal your rv?

[Deep Madness]

Long story. But I had met a person that lived in a nice kind of mansion in Dallas and said not mansion, but you know, it was a nice place. Yeah, three stories. And they said I could park it out back. And then anyway, it got stolen from the back. You know, they stole all my property and stayed with my sister. And then my car broke down and I couldn't find a job. Newark, Texas. If anyone knows where Newark is, there's. If you want a job, you're gonna work at the dollar store. That's about it, you know.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay, wait, buddy, I. I'm sorry, I got a question. Yeah, these people said you could park your RV out back. Who stole your rv?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, the one Arm man, the guy.

[Sam Talent]

It was insurance for us.

[Deep Madness]

The guy that owned the house was mentally. But he's kind of famous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You say he was mentally.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah, but he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was he actually mentally ab.

[Deep Madness]

Absolutely. He's like 70, 72 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does a 72 year old mentally retarded guy own a three story house?

[Deep Madness]

His parents were rich and had a trust fund. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was he like fully retarded?

[Deep Madness]

Like totally retarded and love the guy? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you imagine that? Just a rich retarded guy. I mean, how much fun would that be?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. What's that like? Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I'm super retarded. A well known thing about me. I'm an old retarded man. Now this is 13 years we've run out of jokes to make everyone. I don't know what the bean is, everybody. So I am retarded.

[Sam Talent]

Well, I meant more the super rich thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it's awesome. So let's go back to Lehman Merle Huber here.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah, I go by Lee. But since my wife hated my name so much, I said, I'm going by Lehman Merle Huber because we went to get our marriage license. She said, your Name's Layman. Merle Huber. Not Lee Huber. I said, yeah. She goes, I wouldn't have married you if I'd known that.

[Peter Grant]

What a.

[Ari Shafir]

This lady. This lady's not a nice lady.

[Deep Madness]

I told her, you don't. You don't deserve that last name anyway, so, you know, you. I'm using the full name.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you regret not hitting her when you had the chance?

[Deep Madness]

I've never hit a woman. Never will. But you know, you never will.

[Sam Talent]

That's for sure.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I might hit a guy right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

That would go viral.

[Deep Madness]

I got a lot of pen up rage.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Layman. Were you still married when you were living in the RV with a rich guy?

[Deep Madness]

No, no. That's after. That's why I was. Had to buy the rv because she divorced me and took. You know, I gave her the house and. And so I said it. I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did the retarded rich guy have like, cool retarded things in his house?

[Deep Madness]

Like, things. He's known as the king of punk in the Dallas scene. He's written a book. He's well in the punk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He wrote a book?

[Deep Madness]

Yeah. And it looks exactly like a book you would think that he would write.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Red Band. This is good news for you. It's a coloring book, right?

[Deep Madness]

It's true. It looks. He.

[Ari Shafir]

It's called Outside the Lines A Life.

[Sam Talent]

The pages are edible.

[Deep Madness]

He had autographs of every famous punk rocker you could think of. Black Flag hit rare albums.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He.

[Deep Madness]

His parents were rich, so they got him backstage passes, like, everything, I guess. And he got to know all these bands and so he's kind of famous in the scene. But anyway, he's a cool guy. I liked him. But this girl that told me about the room I could rent there was trying to get his money and she was after him, telling him she was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have now found out who stole your rv.

[Deep Madness]

Exactly. Her and her biker boyfriend robbed me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Her what Boyfriend?

[Deep Madness]

Her biker boyfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I thought you said black guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was them for sure. Biker.

[Deep Madness]

All white people involved. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Has anything good ever happened?

[Deep Madness]

You have. That's. No. The stroke is the best thing that happened to me in seven years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. This is good news for Red Band.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah, that was prior to that. Life sucked even worse, you know, but, you know, finally I got some attention. Got to lay in a bed and get fed, you know? Shit. When you're homeless, it's like it's a move on up. No, but the real Reason was that it brought my son and I. We hadn't had a relationship in a few years, and. And he came to see me, and it brought us back together.

[Sam Talent]

So now you guys can play catch?

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

You and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You and your son are close now. Where does he live?

[Deep Madness]

He lives. He lives in Allen. He's a school teacher and a football coach and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, awesome. Awesome.

[Deep Madness]

He was at Allen High School. Now he's doing middle school lacrosse and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, cool. What do you guys do together?

[Deep Madness]

Not as much as we used to for sure. Right. But he's a. He's a busy guy.

[William Montgomery]

But.

[Deep Madness]

But we mostly right now we just talk on the phone. I mean, I haven't. He hasn't visited me in about five months or six months.

[Ari Shafir]

I've never seen a sadder, more positive guy in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing. Yeah, it's amazing.

[Deep Madness]

There's no reason to look on the negative side.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you know what? That's why you're leaving with some Zipix and nicotine tooth.

[Deep Madness]

All right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And a big joke book. I know that you're gonna catch this. I believe. Do you believe in miracles? Yeah. All right, carry this guy out of here. We gotta keep the show moving. How about one more time for Lehman? Merle Huber, everybody. Oh, everybody's leaving all of a sudden. Oh, my God. Not wrong. Jesus Christ. What a bunch of geniuses. Let's all go pay you the same. How about a hand for Zach, our security guy, who's butt. Poor Layman. You're witnessing a live male rape, everybody, by one of the most homophobic security guards at the club. I know for a fact he'd rather eat a homeless woman's than lick a dude's butthole once.

[Sam Talent]

What would you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would lick the dude's r once. Oh, yeah. There's a specific homeless woman that we're talking about that. That hangs around this. You have to see it. You would pick the dude's butt? Trust me, one swipe of the tongue. Look, Redb's with you, dude. Redb's with you. He would eat the pussy.

[Sam Talent]

I've been there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's all right. You eat. You've licked a dude's ass before? No, I massage girls, you know. All right. Very good way to recover, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool was on the inside. We know this guy, ladies and gentlemen, one of the best magicians in the world has signed up for the show. This is Wes Barker, ladies and gentlemen. A real, like, famous legit magician, Wes Barker. He's on the inside here, he could be anywhere. It's one of you representing the audience here tonight. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? How exciting. This is Wes Barker, everybody.

[Ari Matti]

All right.

[Wes Barker]

Hi, I am Wes. I'm a Canadian. I'm a professional magician. I hate children more than you think. Being a magician made me hate the kids. Kids don't suspend their disbelief, you know, like, if they see something, they say something. With magic, that's pretty bad. Like, if we did magic right now, you would love it. You'd love it. And you guys, you would learn a lot. It's magic show and then magic lessons kind of right about there, you know? But at least you would shut the fuck up. You know, kids, they don't do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's brutal.

[Wes Barker]

Actually, I hate it. I'll give you an example. The red ball trick, for example, with a kid, I do this, I take the red ball, vanish, and then the kid would go, it's in your other hand. And they're right every time. It fucking sucks, you know, but adults, we have, like, such a strong grip on reality, so, you know, kids are smart in a stupid way, but adults, we expect the physics to go the way it goes every time, you know, like, even, like. Prime example, sir. You're a grown ass man. Same trick. Which hand is it?

[Deep Madness]

And point to it.

[Wes Barker]

I wasn't gonna risk it with you, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's both hands.

[Wes Barker]

That's my time. Thanks, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wes Parker, a real professional magician. We know him. You hang out a lot. You're part of this, part of the. You hang out in Austin, right? And he entertains the fuck out of us sometimes on after the show, a lot.

[Ari Shafir]

Wes, do you have a favorite fabric?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that you thought you had to tell us that you were Canadian. It's amazing.

[Wes Barker]

I started wearing this recently and I thought it really suited me, and now I'm wondering if it does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, no.

[Brian Redband]

Good.

[Deep Madness]

Thank you.

[Wes Barker]

I appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're going down Jay Leno's path so fast. You might have an eye patch and a bruised skull in a week. This is incredible. Three different types of denim.

[Wes Barker]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Wes Barker]

Canadian tuxedo, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is something else. It is something else. So, Wesley, how's everything been going?

[Wes Barker]

Yeah, things are good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've.

[Wes Barker]

I kind of, like, about six months ago, moved here, but, like part time because my wife lives in Toronto, so I'm back and forth all the time. And, yeah, I probably signed up 35 times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is your first time getting picked? Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. You got some Other fucking tricks for us, dude.

[Wes Barker]

Yeah, I didn't even really do it. I mean, that was just sort of like a. I know you're silly little trick. I have a. I have a. I got to do a real trick right now. I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys want to see a real magic trick?

[Sam Talent]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I'll give you the insight side scoop I need sometimes. Him. And what do you need?

[Wes Barker]

No, I was going to. I need someone with a purse, but I'll find that in a second. You keep talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, just somebody give him a purse right there. We love magic.

[Sam Talent]

We need a huge purse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love magic here. Nice. And. Oh, he's going through the purse. Going through it. Exciting. Okay.

[Sam Talent]

There's no denim in there

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

anyway. We get trashed and we have him and any other magician that's around do magic tricks while we drink whiskey. And it's a lot of fun.

[Wes Barker]

It's a pretty good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I always say that at the end of the day up in heaven when all the entertainers are together. If that's really how heaven works, it's everyone just watching magicians. That's how I picture it. Much better than good magic.

[Wes Barker]

Tony, do you have any money on you? I know you always have money on you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I actually zero cash. Don't. No. Last night was the Christmas party. Party here. And look at new money over here. What's it like being a rich. Jesus Christ. This guy over here. Hey,

[Wes Barker]

sign Sam's money there.

[Judah Z]

Okay.

[Peter Grant]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good luck getting 100 back. Yeah, that's illegal. Ari Shabir signs it mine now.

[Brian Redband]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

No, he ruined it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is.

[Wes Barker]

So Ari described himself on here. And you'd recognize this anywhere, right? Okay. You'd recognize this hundred dollar bill anywhere. You've written on it and everything. So some magicians will fold 100 really small and they'll turn it into a dove. Yeah, I don't do that, but you ever get a chance. It's pretty cool.

[Brian Redband]

You should check it out.

[Wes Barker]

I do.

[Cam Patterson]

More like.

[Wes Barker]

That is gone. Sam left.

[Sam Talent]

Where the.

[Ari Shafir]

Is the money, man?

[Wes Barker]

Check, Sam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check your left pocket. No one's moving.

[Sam Talent]

Left pocket?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. There's no way.

[Wes Barker]

There's nothing in there. I'm just with you.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

Oh.

[Wes Barker]

I just want to see if you believed in me.

[William Montgomery]

Here we go.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Wes Barker]

So that's why I got this purse. This is like a little, you know, little insurance policy. See if we can find something here that's worth $100.

[Sam Talent]

Okay.

[Wes Barker]

You're missing $100.

[Sam Talent]

I sure am.

[Wes Barker]

Some magnifying glasses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Wes Barker]

In Case your husband wants to have sex with you later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Wes Barker]

Keeping that one.

[Deep Madness]

All right.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then a magnifying glass. What the hell?

[Deep Madness]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some mini tongs.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, this lady's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you live? Wow. The security.

[Wes Barker]

Riverside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The security here is so busy butt handicapped men that they're letting people with knives into the venue. That is Zach Famous. If you're wondering what his name is, it's Zach the security guy. I don't even handicap men. Instead of sure what that is. Hey, what did I miss here? Oh, that is. It's a Hitachi. Wow. Red ban, our senior dildo analyst knows exactly what it is. A lemon.

[Wes Barker]

This is what we need. Can I have the knife back, please?

[Sam Talent]

Please.

[Wes Barker]

Okay, so if you ever misplace your money, you got to check. You gotta check the fruit sometimes inside lemons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a real lemon. It is dripping.

[Wes Barker]

You can see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. There's no way.

[Wes Barker]

If only we had some tongs.

[William Montgomery]

Pull it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now. Wait. Now put it on the vibrator.

[Wes Barker]

Now open it up, Display it like a magician would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Sam Talent]

You like that, don't you, Ari?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is. Wow. This is incredible. Whoa.

[Sam Talent]

It's Ari's name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Unbelievable. Wait.

[Wes Barker]

Sam's money. Ari, signature. My juices. What a night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So amazing. Congratulations.

[Wes Barker]

That was a fun trick, wasn't it?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it's my favorite trick ever. I didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, time for me to make that vibrator disappear. Wow. Wait, who put this Come in my pants? All right, we're having fun. Oh, and a fart noise on top of it all from red band. Oh, you made D Madness reappear too. Absolutely incredible. He's wondering why the underside of his hat smells like lemon right now.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. You may follow the sound d Madison's

[Ari Shafir]

challenge that other to a fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, he's not. Oh, whatever he's got.

[Peter Grant]

He's black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Amazing. Wes, there's been a lot of rumors of Canada becoming the 51st state of the United States of America. Have you. Have you thought about this?

[Wes Barker]

Dude, I've had so much. I always. Every three years, I have to get a new visa to work down here. This O1 visa, it's expensive. It's pain in the ass. So, like, it would kind of annoy me because I have a visa right now and all my friends don't. Yeah, but, you know, I mean, it'd be way nicer to work down here. It's a way better spot. It's entertainment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, we could be an American. So all you have to do is never wear that outfit again.

[Erica Kuharsky]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you could be an American. You don't like this? It's unbelievable.

[Wes Barker]

You're wrong, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, if I'm wrong, then I don't want to be right. Fantastic. Fantastic stuff. Amazing magic. That was incredible. Make it so. The great Wes Barker, everybody.

[Brian Redband]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun here tonight. This guy's been on the show before. He had an unbelievable set. So much so that we had him back in an arena here. This is his first time in a long time. This is a brand new minute from a solid comedian. I hope it goes great tonight. This is JP Hinsdale, everybody. The long awaited return of JP Hinsdale.

[Brian Redband]

What's up, Austin? Yeah. I love Texas, man. You know what I love? I love guns. Yeah, Guns are a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Mostly my medical bills. The gun control laws in Texas are weird though, man. You know, you can open carry an assault rifle and a sword. What fucking caliber of gun do I need to get to get you to fuck off back to the Renaissance Fair? I got shit to do today. It's weird. It's like the governor wants us to open carry everything, including a baby, to terminate. Listen, I'm not dumb enough to think I should have an opinion on abortion. I do think it's funny that a guy in a wheelchair doesn't believe in accidents. Cause my mom does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. JP Hinsdale, strong eye contact,

[Ari Shafir]

leering at you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello, jp, how are you?

[Brian Redband]

How's it going, buddy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fantastic. Unbelievable. You look great.

[Brian Redband]

No, I don't. I feel like my organs are dying. Let's be honest with each other.

[Sam Talent]

You should talk to that stroke guy from earlier.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, we have. We've exchanged numbers.

[Sam Talent]

That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? What numbers? Your weight.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jp, how's life going?

[Brian Redband]

It's. It's going okay, man. It's. It's interesting. Yeah, it's been a weird ride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it.

[Brian Redband]

I don't know, man.

[Eric Galagos]

It's.

[Brian Redband]

I've been. This is the first year I was openly bisexual.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're bisexual now. What a big twist.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, we talked about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. That's from Tie Dye to Try by.

[Brian Redband]

I know, look at you. But you gotta try before you buy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what. What's the analysis? I've been wondering for 40 years what that would be like. Tell us.

[Brian Redband]

I didn't really. I didn't really understand like how that was going to go for me, but it's mostly like a lot of dudes come up with their girlfriend Asking if they can hug me and then whispering in my ear that they'll blow me in the bathroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And do they? Do they blow you in the bathroom?

[Brian Redband]

Sometimes. Sometimes they just, you know, they just want to say it, but I'm looking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at the shape of everything I know is. It just is there. Do you see?

[Brian Redband]

They see. They obviously see something I can't, like physically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And no matter who's blowing you, it's just a mystery.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. I mean, you literally just muffled underneath the belly fat, you know, because, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

mean, where is your dick exactly? There. I see a bump.

[Sam Talent]

I know where it is. Yes.

[Brian Redband]

If you're willing to fund the expedition.

[Sam Talent]

It's in this general region.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think so. I think it's underneath that.

[Sam Talent]

It's nice and warm, though.

[Brian Redband]

It is nice and warm.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

And it's important because winter is coming.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah. No, no. Birds are gonna come steal it off.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, who are you? Who's sucking that dick?

[Brian Redband]

You know, I live in the dark corners of the world.

[Ari Shafir]

How would you even get into it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm literally curious where it is. What's that bulge down there?

[Brian Redband]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, when you go like that, it disappears. You see that next to his left thigh?

[Sam Talent]

It's curdles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your neck?

[Brian Redband]

I'm not saying it's out of lust, but definitely curiosity is what drives them.

[Sam Talent]

Were you gay before or were you into women?

[Brian Redband]

I'm into both, but I had a rough run of it, so things are a little complicated for. For me, in my brain, you know?

[Ari Shafir]

You had a rough run of dating.

[Brian Redband]

I had a rough run of everything. Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. How do I be? Carefully.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Very good question, John D. Yeah. Let's go back to you. Anything that moves.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's kind of stick on the subject here. So what. What exactly? Like, what's actually going on here?

[Brian Redband]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to know what life is like for Jabba the Slut.

[Brian Redband]

Definitely. Plenty of sci fi conventions. You know, I'm. I'm, you know, I'm big on that. You know?

[Sam Talent]

You're big on everything.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you fucking people?

[Ari Shafir]

Sometimes you have the body of someone who's gonna launch children into a lake.

[Brian Redband]

I don't want to pay child support. I don't know what to say.

[Wes Barker]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what you're worried about? Getting someone pregnant?

[Sam Talent]

Sure.

[Brian Redband]

Why not? You know?

[Peter Grant]

All right.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. That's my biggest worry, Tony.

[Sam Talent]

That's why he's fucking guys now.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, it's like. Like I got bigger fish to fry. Like gravity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. You look like you have been indeed frying a lot of fish.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you regret.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you regret eating Wonka's Blueberry?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible.

[Brian Redband]

I mean, the snozzberries did taste like snozzberries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what do you. What do you do for a living? Jp, remind us. What you do for.

[Brian Redband]

Honestly, this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What do you do for. How do you make money to survive?

[Brian Redband]

I don't. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how do you survive?

[Brian Redband]

I. I do. Okay. Remember, I had a relative that died, and I've been kind of, like, living pretty modestly on that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much was left? How much was your actual inheritance?

[Brian Redband]

Like, I don't know, man. It's not like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You definitely know.

[Brian Redband]

It's not a crazy amount. It's enough for me to maybe live a couple years and just focus on this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's crossed? Well, yeah, what's the amount?

[Brian Redband]

I'm like, I'm around $45,000, something like that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

How much of that is spent on food and crops?

[Brian Redband]

I mean, you want to check my Uber Eats account? Like, that's. We can. We can. We can trace that, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you eat? What do you eat when you're at home?

[Sam Talent]

What don't you eat?

[Ari Shafir]

What's left at home?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your go to? You get, like, a loaf of bread and some noodles.

[Brian Redband]

I know it's. It's late night. Thai food is the death of me, literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it?

[Brian Redband]

It's like, what is the reason I can't eat? Feel my foot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you not feel your foot?

[Brian Redband]

Sometimes. But also, I have the fucked up legs, so it's, like, hard to gauge. Is this diabetes or just. Just nature.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Got the old gay leg.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you eat at night?

[Brian Redband]

I mean. I mean, Thai food, usually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thai food.

[Brian Redband]

Yes, Thai food. Any Thai food I can get, like.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, you can't tie a belt.

[Brian Redband]

No, I can't. No, I can't. And Velcro doesn't work either.

[Sam Talent]

Thai food's kind of healthy, though.

[Brian Redband]

Like, how much?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our senior health correspondent, Brian Red Ban, everybody. Thai food, as in Pad Thai, straight noodles, straight gluten.

[Brian Redband]

I'm glad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Late at night. And it's being analyzed as healthy.

[Brian Redband]

I'm glad my nutritionist finally chimed in. So

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the guy who posted about eating a moldy Wendy's burger last week is telling us that Thai food is healthy. Breaking news.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A man who's never touched broccoli. Broccoli in half a century. Oh, you're offended about my. You've never touched broccoli. Okay, J.P. what's the most disgusting thing that you ever ate to where you're like, God damn, I'm disgusting.

[Brian Redband]

I had chicken fried bacon dipped in maple syrup. Yeah?

[Ari Shafir]

How was it?

[Brian Redband]

Like, it was really good. And then like, something went wrong in my brain where I felt like it's when I knew I went too far.

[Sam Talent]

No, it was a blood clot.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, it kind of made. Like something went off. I kind of like tripped for a minute. Like, it was not good. I was like, I shouldn't have done this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, it's too much of a good thing. It's like Texas. It just. It all cancels. It's too much and then it cancels itself out and then you die. And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay.

[Brian Redband]

It's like when you take a bunch of different kinds of drugs and let them fight them out for your affection, you know?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. But instead it's pad Thai and egg rolls.

[Brian Redband]

Exactly.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, no. I mean, I'm a big fat guy, but get it together. You can't be chicken frying bacon.

[Brian Redband]

Do you want to be my life coach?

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have siblings, J.P. is there like a 600 pound sister?

[Brian Redband]

No. No.

[Ari Shafir]

How much do you weigh?

[Brian Redband]

378.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't buy that for a second. Let's get the scale, everybody. This is a special segment on the show.

[Cam Patterson]

What did you say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

378. What do you think, Tony? What did he say? Hey. Oh, no. Hold on. Timeout, everybody. What did he say? 377,8.

[Brian Redband]

And that was the last time I had a scale that wasn't broken. So I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was 7 8.

[Brian Redband]

That's what I've been sticking with. So I don't put a gun in my mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we got it. We also have a gun here, everybody. Very exciting. What's your number, Tony? I'm guessing 412. 412 is actually what my initial guess was going to be.

[Brian Redband]

Hey, should I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going prices, right?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm going to.

[Brian Redband]

Should I go shoes on or shoes off?

[Sam Talent]

That's the fat guy move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was going to ask you.

[Ari Shafir]

That's really going to go over the top.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Take away the 0.7. Hey, we should.

[Brian Redband]

We should weigh the shoes first and then.

[Deep Madness]

I'll get them.

[Brian Redband]

I'll put them back on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna go 3, 9, 0 here.

[Sam Talent]

All right, I'll read it to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you step on 420 for Ari,

[Brian Redband]

that's a safe bet.

[Sam Talent]

I'll Take the under. I'll take 377.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

377. A very optimistic pick that is by the great Sam Talent. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here live in front of everyone, the scale is being activated by the great Ari Shafir. Yoni has brought an iPhone close to the stage.

[Sam Talent]

Ari at 190.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is one of those moments we will Never forget as J.P. hinsdale. Oh, the scale is making

[Sam Talent]

shoes off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Talent]

Take your shoes off.

[Ari Shafir]

Scale is freaking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God. Ladies and gentlemen, 437 pounds. Oh, my God. Wow.

[Brian Redband]

Some things. This explains a few things. Jp, please, just a couple of things. It explains.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beg of you to wait like at least a couple months before killing yourself. Don't do it like the night that. This episode.

[Brian Redband]

I mean, I'm so far along. Let's just let nature take its course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just take note. Everybody under bid, including Ari's extremely bold 420. You are about. It was. It was flaring on every inhale and exhale. It was going up between about 4:35 and 4:42, but I probably lost 10

[Brian Redband]

just coming up here, so.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, it was going up and out.

[Brian Redband]

I'll take the win.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, at some point the scale said. What the man?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it said humans only.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Talent]

You should have taken your hat and glasses.

[Brian Redband]

I know, man.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Have you ever waited nude?

[Brian Redband]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, that's. I've done that.

[Brian Redband]

It makes me sad for other reasons.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, yeah. Because all the young doctors come in to laugh. Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. It's.

[Sam Talent]

Man.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude, you're 70 pounds heavier than you thought you were.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a big deal.

[Ari Shafir]

That's one. Tony.

[Brian Redband]

It's been a little bit rough, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Brian Redband]

It's been a little bit rough on the therapy and it's, you know, it happens.

[Sam Talent]

It's been rough on the bones and joints, too.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Okay, so I'm not a doctor. My wife is. I'm just going to tell you, you should avoid wicker furniture.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, yeah. Honestly, it. It should avoid me.

[Sam Talent]

If it was sentient.

[Brian Redband]

It would. Then. Then it's. That's that fucking problem, you know?

[Sam Talent]

No patio parties for you. No hammocks. No hammocks for sure.

[Brian Redband]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there something that. Is there some type of physical activity that you think you could get into?

[Sam Talent]

Breathing heavy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone like I've helped you or something, if you had some kind of support. Is there something perhaps. You know, Michael Gonzalez, works out every day at on it gym. How would you like to have a little buddy? Michael, will you want to Take a buddy to on it with you.

[Brian Redband]

Would you. Would you like to take me anchor to your progress?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does that sound? You want to take. I'm working out.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, let's do.

[Deep Madness]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're working out with Michael Gonzalez. Here's the big joke book.

[Sam Talent]

You know, I'd love to have you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on the secret show Thursday too.

[Ari Shafir]

A lot of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone wants to eat some Thai food with you. I. I think you're saying Thai people.

[Ari Shafir]

By the way, it's a lot of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

stuff, both ladies and boys.

[Ari Shafir]

He's got charisma, this guy, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's fun. Yeah, a lot of charisma.

[Brian Redband]

It's called Crisco, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we love you, jp. You're the man. You're very, very likable.

[Brian Redband]

Love you too, man. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J.P. hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

[Brian Redband]

All right, see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On to the next one we go. We're gonna go with somebody a lot more fit. One of the regulars of the show, Ladies and gentlemen, an absolute, absolute phenom. Not easy to write and perform a brand new minute every single week in front of millions of people, but somehow this young buck does it week after week after week. I present you one of the true top young rising comedians in the world. The one and only, the great and powerful. This is Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah, man. Smile, bitch, please. God damn. Bitch look evil in the front row. That's evil as fuck. I just changed my profession. I am now a magician. Somebody give me a purse. Somebody please give me a purse. I'm magic now, nigga. I do magic.

[Brian Redband]

Shit.

[Cam Patterson]

That was easy as fuck. I do magic. Give me a purse. That was easy as fuck. That guy was fat as hell. Back to this minute. That's not gonna work.

[Ari Matti]

Here we go.

[Cam Patterson]

You know, I went to the Black history museum in D.C. what's so fucking funny? That's not funny. I went there and I saw a lot of history and it was dope. I liked it a lot. My favorite part about the whole museum was I met this thick ass white bitch and she was crying at the Emmett Till exhibit. So I whistled at her. Cause times have changed. If you so sad for the make it up to me. That's my time. Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, Cam Patterson. It was amazing. I didn't realize until you experience acknowledged it how many women offered up their purse to a white Canadian guy wearing nothing but denim so fast. Every woman was like, I have a purse, huh?

[Brian Redband]

Take mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh? Every. All of the same women put theirs under their chair when you came out. Incredible.

[Cam Patterson]

I never Had a purse. Please, please go back behind that curtain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good. Very fun. Did you really go to the Black History Museum?

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the. What's that like?

[Cam Patterson]

It was dope, man. My little. My. Look, my little cousin. I hate you, red man, that's some bullshit. Nah, you know what's bad about it? It was really bad. They had. So the whole thing was dope. It was cool as shit to see all of it. But the worst part is that after my whole family was there because my mom's birthday was this weekend and my grandma came, my little cousin came.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And were you guys part of the exhibit or were you just going there to check things out?

[Cam Patterson]

My grandma was, but my grandma was like, I knew that bitch cause she old. But nah, it was. It was dope. The worst part about it though, the worst part is there's like a cafeteria there and all they sold was fried chicken and collard greens. And I thought that was some bullshit. I did not like that at all. But the rest of it was pretty cool, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So is it mostly black people going there? Like, man, I can't believe they did this to us. No, it was white people. It's white people going, God, I'm glad I'm white.

[Cam Patterson]

It was white as a lot of white people in there. That's why I told you a thick ass white in there. She was thick as hell, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now did they is like a normal building? Is it like fire sprinklers or do they just have big hoses and stuff? Like what Exactly. Black History Museum jokes, ladies and gentlemen, a rare treat on this show.

[Cam Patterson]

Nigga, that's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Cam Patterson]

That's funny as fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Deep Madness is looking down. I can't get a read on if he.

[Cam Patterson]

Who put it again with these hats?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. What do you mean? That's a beautiful hat. That's a Gucci hat he's wearing.

[Cam Patterson]

He don't know what he got on. That's what I'm upset about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He don't know.

[Cam Patterson]

What is it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I ain't touch your head. It was him. No, that was John D's. That was John D's. That was the other one.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm all the way over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I swear to God it was the other one.

[Sam Talent]

It's like we're at the museum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh,

[Ari Shafir]

wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were John D's, man.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, not with John D. Wait, Even D Madness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you gonna say?

[Ari Shafir]

Even D Madness. Can't tell them apart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It's true. All their hands smell the Same cocoa butter scented hand was the cocoa butter

[Ari Shafir]

and black and white.

[Sam Talent]

I'm colorblind too, D. Yeah. We're all just human beings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but how many?

[Deep Madness]

How much?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have visual, right?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I have visual. Yes, sir. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That's the funniest way to say.

[Ari Matti]

Do you see?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you have visual, though? Yeah. Okay, then. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you have visual. He just sight checked me. He's gonna pull my car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you see okay then?

[Cam Patterson]

I'mma just be quiet.

[Ari Shafir]

He's. He's colored blind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This party is out of control.

[Sam Talent]

It's like. It's like when the exhibits come alive at the museum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's what happened. We so much talking about the Black History Museum, all of a sudden we got two black people bullying a black.

[Sam Talent]

It's called progress.

[Cam Patterson]

It is progress, man. We making progress. Life is good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. What? Okay, D. Madness. Jesus. Now he's talking about is how good his memory is. I might not be able to see a thing, but I never forget a. Like what? It's got, like, all these blind catchphrases. God bless D. Madness. God bless. And God bless the United States of America. So, Cam, the road's been good. DC Was fun.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Black History Museum. There's a lot there. Yeah, it was.

[Cam Patterson]

It was. It was dope. My little cousin, let's take out of school so she can come see it. Because my grandma and. And she didn't give a. About none of them. She's six. Like, I was talking. I was like, look, that's Harriet Tubman. She's like Harriet Butman. And it walked away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

She don't give a. About none of that shit. But she had a good. The funniest. You know, I be doing vlogs and shit on the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And my auntie is like. It's like my.

[Deep Madness]

She a thug.

[Cam Patterson]

That's like my best friend. And she called me and she was like, you see, that's her daughter. She was like, you see my daughter? And I want to tell you something. Put that bitch on camera. She a star. Usually when people call about their kids, they go, don't put my kid on camera. Matt. Will I put that on camera?

[Wes Barker]

She'll start.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Deep Madness]

And we didn't.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm the only star in this family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn right. Damn right. And this. And it continues. The great and powerful Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Make some goddamn noise for Cam Patterson. All right, back to the bucket we go. This is another new name. Make some noise for Peter Grant, everybody. We're gonna meet them all together now. Peter Grant, Usa.

[Peter Grant]

Hey, hang on it. You guys can probably tell by my accent that I'm an alcoholic. So. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Deep Madness]

Cheers.

[Peter Grant]

Have one for me. Yeah.

[Wes Barker]

Yeah.

[Peter Grant]

Good to see you. I. As rough as I seem, I get it. My day job, I work with people with special needs. Thank you. One person. Fuck off.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Peter Grant]

I work in construction.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Peter Grant]

So everyone that I work with has special needs. Fuck, yeah. Do any blue collar boys in here? Not enough. Fuck, yeah. Dude, I'm a carpenter. I hear you guys need a wall

[Cam Patterson]

built

[Peter Grant]

not by an immigrant. Hell, yeah. I only have myself to blame for getting into construction as well because I took career advice from a man named Benny Benassi. Couple familiarities. Yeah. If you don't know the song, the music video came out when I was 12 years old and it was just a bunch of hot chicks doing construction work in slow motion. I was 12. It's like, all right, Captain, sign me up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

It was just touch me.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Peter Grant]

Now I just get called queer for a living. Yeah. I'm Peter Grant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, guys. All right. Peter Grant. Welcome, welcome.

[Deep Madness]

Hey.

[Peter Grant]

Tony Inchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello. How are you? Peter Grant. How long you been doing stand up?

[Peter Grant]

Just over six years now. We're at mostly up in Vancouver, Canada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Peter Grant]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the accent originates from Australia. Which part?

[Peter Grant]

Melbourne. Outside Melbourne. In the country?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Peter Grant]

Yeah. I'm a little, Little small town boy. Hey, Samtown, how you going?

[Sam Talent]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you really work construction?

[Peter Grant]

I do. I'm a carpenter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, carpenter.

[Peter Grant]

All right, carpenter. Sorry, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's good, it's good. Look, you don't have to do it. You could sound like a great human.

[Peter Grant]

I used to have long hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You used to have long hair?

[Peter Grant]

Yeah. Jesus was my inspiration for a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Peter Grant]

And then I found out that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Peter Grant]

Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean to you exactly?

[Peter Grant]

I grew up Catholic and then started smoking weed. And I like conspiracies. More than God, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't. You now you believe in conspiracies and you don't believe in God?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think created the universe?

[Peter Grant]

The Anunnaki.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Peter Grant]

Sorry. I'm one of those.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's got a point. It's okay.

[Ari Shafir]

That venue was built on that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes some sense.

[Sam Talent]

You're part of that bloodline, right?

[Ari Shafir]

The Anunaki?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

We came a long time before things were recorded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Peter. So now you live in Vancouver or what?

[Peter Grant]

I just got married this year to American woman, so I'm legally down here. Married, spousal.

[Deep Madness]

Visa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where does she live?

[Peter Grant]

She's from West Virginia, but she lives with me now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, where at?

[Peter Grant]

Austin, Texas. For now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. For now. Are you planning on moving somewhere?

[Peter Grant]

Yes. We've got a house up in Canada that needs to get off our mortgage and then we're down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're going to move back up

[Peter Grant]

to Canada and sell the house and then back down to Austin? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What does she do for work? Work?

[Peter Grant]

She's a retired chef.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's a chef. Can't imagine so many. The Thai food must be. I know a 470 pound man that would love to be married to a chef. Yes.

[Sam Talent]

Jp what gave it away?

[Peter Grant]

The fat guy walking down the stage.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, yeah. Is he still walking down? Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do the stairs still exist?

[Sam Talent]

Him and the stroke guy are in a race right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It has been a true freak show here today. What's the freakiest thing about you, Peter Grant?

[Peter Grant]

I love cigarettes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

That's such an Australian answer.

[Peter Grant]

I like the romanticization of it though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Ari Shafir]

What does that.

[Peter Grant]

Thank you.

[William Montgomery]

Red band.

[Peter Grant]

Like, just look at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What do you mean exactly?

[Peter Grant]

Just look at Brian right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't need to look at Brian. I've worked with him for over a decade. Why don't you describe using your artistic capabilities exactly what you mean?

[Peter Grant]

I only have two heroes in life. One is Melania Trump and I've already accomplished that. And my second guy is. I want to. I'm married.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean you've already accomplished that?

[Peter Grant]

I'm married to get into the country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus.

[Sam Talent]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not.

[Peter Grant]

My wife's American. It's. Sorry.

[Eric Galagos]

So romantic.

[Sam Talent]

So you were doing really well for a minute.

[Peter Grant]

No, we're deeply in love. Like I love my wife. That's not a question.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, I wasn't asking that. Yeah, no.

[Peter Grant]

I feel like I have to retort what I said before.

[Sam Talent]

Sure, sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. The most interesting thing about your entire life, Peter, you seem kind of like you have like construction guy vibes that just like aren't really. It's not really hilarious to me. You seem like a normal guy that's like trying it out kind of. Or maybe you're nervous or something.

[Peter Grant]

A little bit nervous. I'd say for sure, Tony.

[Deep Madness]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So give us something crazy. Tell us something nuts. You ever save almost dire?

[Peter Grant]

Yeah. I was the first responder on a guy that jumped off a bridge a couple years ago.

[Sam Talent]

Did he land on jp?

[Peter Grant]

He wouldn't be the first respond to that.

[Sam Talent]

He'd be fine.

[Peter Grant]

Yeah, no, Yeah, I held a man while he was dying and.

[Eric Galagos]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you say to him? You're going to be okay. You're going to be just fine. I. I know you could tell by my accent that. Don't mind the didgeridoo. I just have a little Australian gas. As you can tell by my accent, I'm an alcoholic. Looks like you need some special needs. That I cannot. Take her up. What did you say to him? I'm sorry, mate. This is not. It's not looking so good. You jumped off a folding bridge. Crike.

[Peter Grant]

He already had the hospital tag on, so. He already still had hospital.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Ready to go?

[Peter Grant]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Escaped out of a mental institution?

[Peter Grant]

I believe so. And then jump off the bridge and then I was just telling him to keep breathing because I didn't know what else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good work, bro.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's excellent.

[Peter Grant]

Did someone say that to me now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey. Breathing. All right.

[Sam Talent]

This country's lucky to have you.

[Peter Grant]

Thank you, Sam Town. I appreciate it.

[Ari Shafir]

Your wife is a, for a living, is a retired chef.

[Peter Grant]

Yeah. She picks and chooses her job. She doesn't really work full on anymore. She does expedition chef all around the world. So she gets the pick and choose where she goes.

[Sam Talent]

Now retired has a different meaning in this country. She's a part time chef.

[Peter Grant]

Part time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Sam Talent]

She's a chef who's on smoko.

[Peter Grant]

That's good for me. I get it.

[William Montgomery]

I get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[William Montgomery]

I like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you miss most about Australia?

[Peter Grant]

I was just back there and Texas has a lot of it, but it's just easy. It feels like here there's a lot of stuff going on in the cities. I know that sounds like a fucking retarded state back there, but it's just everything's calm and I miss the calm. It's a lot more here. I'm from a small country town. I'm not used to the cities, so. Been living in Vancouver. It's not much of a city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you hate most about Australia? Oh, the people. What do you miss most about Canada?

[Judah Z]

Not much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you hate the most about Canada?

[Peter Grant]

Oh, Trudeau, probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Peter Grant]

I've lived there and watched him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love most about America?

[Peter Grant]

I love your amendments. I think that it's good to have a structure in play.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, how'd that win? You got.

[Peter Grant]

I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have finally got the crowd on your side right away. The wave. You still have a chance. Final question. What do you hate most about America?

[Peter Grant]

How hard it was to get in. But I guess that's A good thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we need stronger. Stronger. Fucking. What's the word? Borders. Yes. Thank you. Red band. Red band helping me for a change. Look at this. What's happening here?

[Deep Madness]

Little joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Thank you, Grant.

[Sam Talent]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Peter Grant. Peter Grant. It's a normal guy. Hello, everybody. All right. We having fun out there still? All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It's Lino Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez. He's been on this show before. Here we go.

[Lino Rodriguez]

All right, guys. Lately I've been trying to be a good boy because I've been a nasty boy.

[Judah Z]

I've been a nasty boy.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm trying to be sober. I'm trying to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and the occasional cocaine and prostitute. I call it New York Sober. New York Sober.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Lino Rodriguez]

No, I'm just joshing, guys. I fucking hate coffee. You know, cigarettes are cool. I'd rather be bored. I'd rather die early than be bored for seven minutes. You know, everyone thinks they look cool when they smoke a cigarette. I think you have to look cool before the cigarette ever enters the equation. Yeah, some people look like James Bond 007. But when I smoke a cigarette, I look like I belong outside of a Waffle House. They call me Double Eggs Over Easy. I don't know, guys. Lately I've been listening to house music in my studio apartment because I'm optimistic. That's the same reason why I listen to Yacht Rock on my canoe. Anybody else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Jesus Christ. I thought it was never gonna end. Lino Rodriguez, seems like you had a lot of fun up there. You got some laughs proving that this audience isn't perfect. You know what I mean? It's just some people are just laughing at the space in which it seemed like there should have been laughter, but no real reason for laughter at all at almost any point throughout the entire thing. Is that how it's been going, Ari Shapir? What do you think about that?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you have, like, a Mitch Hedberg delivery, but, like a fat mark Norman face.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I thought his delivery was, like, Mitch Hedberg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I like Mitch Hedberg just on the inside, you know, Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Mitch Bretberg, you fat guy. So, yeah, you fat. How much do you think you weigh, leno?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm like 170, 180.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much do you actually think you weigh?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Like 200.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get that scale out here, even. Don't step on it yet. Don't step on it. Wait Wait, don't step on it. All right, let's sit. No, don't step on it, Loo. Take direction, Lo.

[Brian Redband]

I'm listening.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm listening, sir.

[Sam Talent]

Nino.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, what did you. What do you really think you weigh, loo? He started sweating, by the way, out of nowhere. Not during his sweat, was there. Not during his set.

[Lino Rodriguez]

All right, if I'm be honest with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look over here, cuz. You seem to be getting lost in the lights. You have, like, an inordinate amount of confidence. I don't know where it comes from. You're just like a rock star that. With no instrument or talent in the world. Focus.

[Ari Matti]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you truly think that you weigh?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Probably like 260.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. That's a real guess.

[Sam Talent]

I was gonna guess 260.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we all about agree. Go ahead, scale.

[Sam Talent]

You said 170.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love how Sam's putting the mic. What do we got there, Sam?

[Sam Talent]

265.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. 170.

[Wes Barker]

Bro,

[Sam Talent]

you had so much confidence when you said that.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I've been eating my vegetables.

[Deep Madness]

I don't know.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know you have it. I thought I look good.

[Deep Madness]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. You didn't think that that would happen? What a nightmare. I know. You know what will curb your appetite, Lo, is some Zippix. Nicotine toothpicks. Have you gotten a small joke book before?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I have gotten that before, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there you go.

[Ari Shafir]

Fill it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Leno, Rodriguez, everybody. There he goes. There goes Leno. Yeah, you're done. We're going to fly through some bucket pulls here as they get.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Oh, my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Worse and worse. Oh, the horn players love a fellow Rodriguez. Your next bucketful. 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Goes by the name of Eric Galagos, everybody. Eric Galagos or Gallegos. Here he is,

[Eric Galagos]

You guys. I recently matched with a girl on Tinder and her bio said, fun and down to earth. Yeah, I wish I knew that was code for living in a tent. Dude, I was walking down 6th street earlier, and I saw someone with a shirt that said end Alzheimer's. It's like, with what? A shotgun?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude.

[Eric Galagos]

Y' all ever notice how potholes and crackheads are really similar? Yeah, you know, it's like they both spend all their time in the street. All they do is annoy people. And when you run one over, you're like, ugh, I blame the city. Anyway, the election's finally over, right? You know, some are really excited, some are really sad. I mean, I'm worried because pretty sure I'm getting kicked out of women's basketball next year. Hell yeah. That's my time, guys.

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A solid set.

[Sam Talent]

That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how it's done. He had the same confidence as the last. Tricked a lot of you into laughing, but he had actual jokes on this one. Some smart, witty things.

[Eric Galagos]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Good work, man.

[Deep Madness]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like the homeless pothole thing. That was good.

[Ari Shafir]

That was pretty good.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Eric Galagos]

Thanks, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been on stand up?

[Eric Galagos]

I'm about to hit two years in January.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you've been on this show before?

[Eric Galagos]

Yeah, I got, I was on in June.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And how did that go?

[Sam Talent]

It went okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not as good as this, though. No, not at all. You've been working hard. You've gotten a lot better.

[Eric Galagos]

Dude, I'm, I'm fucking trying, man. Austin's awesome. The opportunity is here.

[Ari Shafir]

So you think it helps to follow a complete zero?

[Eric Galagos]

Yeah, maybe a little bit.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

It's a lot easier to go up after a human nothing, right?

[Wes Barker]

Yeah,

[Brian Redband]

more like lean.

[Sam Talent]

No?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Eric Galagos]

Oh, it was Leno.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was Leno, not lean. Okay. So, Eric, God bless. Tell us about what it's like being a young comic here in Austin that's working and progressing. So you've been doing it for two years.

[Eric Galagos]

You're just trying to fucking stay happy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Good luck. Tell us about that. What's that process like for you?

[Brian Redband]

I just, I, I.

[Eric Galagos]

Sorry to interrupt. I try to take it really seriously. Try to just every free moment. I don't work as much as I used to. Like, I don't. I work part time, so I can put more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that job?

[Eric Galagos]

I fix cell phones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Sam Talent]

You look like a falconer.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You should have a gauntlet on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put your arm out, let's see what happens. Yeah, yeah, There you go. Red band has no comedic timing whatsoever. Great. Red band, I really believe to see if he would do that.

[Sam Talent]

I wouldn't be surprised if they had a bunch of trained birds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Deep madness approach to the sound effect board over here, look. Yeah, the old no look. Red bands. The bird landed before you put your arm out. That's how great of a falconer you are. It's incredible.

[Ari Shafir]

Have you made any friends out here? Are there other warlocks in town?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, couple.

[Eric Galagos]

Yeah, A couple guys under bridges, couple trolls.

[Sam Talent]

If we had to guess which of these comedians was the up close magician, it would have for sure been you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it. No doubt about it. Do you know any magic tricks?

[Eric Galagos]

I know how to make a girl disappear.

[Ari Shafir]

Not bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's frightening. Very crazy answer there. But it's a comedy show, so we'll just let it ride.

[Sam Talent]

You look like you kill women is what he's saying.

[Eric Galagos]

Yeah, I'm pretty good at it.

[Sam Talent]

If you're lucky, all you do is kill them. Rape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Eric, what is your love life like? Do you go on dates?

[Eric Galagos]

I've been on a couple of dates here in Austin.

[Deep Madness]

Nothing.

[Eric Galagos]

I never go on a second date.

[Ari Shafir]

Which is what? Let him put them in your trunk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The best state you've had in Austin. How did that go for you?

[Eric Galagos]

I took a girl to see Casey Rocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Brian Redband]

Pretty good.

[Eric Galagos]

She said she'd never seen a comedy show. I wanted to take her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how did that night end for you?

[Ari Shafir]

Did she just avoid your advances?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But we don't like sideways. Yeah,

[Sam Talent]

It was a show, right? It wasn't through a telescope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it was an actual show.

[Sam Talent]

Okay. No, it went.

[Eric Galagos]

It went pretty well. She was pretty cool. I introduced her to some friends. Yeah, it was cool though. She was very interested in my black friends. She suddenly. She got very black all of a sudden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Ooh, I love your set.

[Eric Galagos]

I was like, where did this come from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Eric Galagos]

What do they call that? A code change?

[Brian Redband]

What is that?

[Sam Talent]

Code switch.

[Eric Galagos]

Code switch. That one.

[Sam Talent]

They used to just call it a switch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so she went and a black guy that night. Let's go to your worst date in Austin, Texas. How's that? Gone. She just did it. Start by her. A black guy. I'll be right out.

[Eric Galagos]

I drove like, there's like a town 30 minutes south of Austin.

[Ari Shafir]

Sugar, you got to be cool about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, don't you dare be nothing in my pussy before I go on this date. Hey, get that bitch ass falcon out of here. Hey, whose bitch ass falcon is this?

[Sam Talent]

Grab a make a stew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He even got his arm up. Where's that?

[Sam Talent]

He's going to steal my damn wig.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, that laugh and stare

[Ari Shafir]

at you was pretty evil. He was like, ha ha.

[Sam Talent]

Keep it up, fat man. I'll be wearing you soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's enough meat to feed my falcon for a year.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah? What do you think you weigh? Don't overestimate by.

[Eric Galagos]

You know, I think I've weighed the same weight for like the last like 15 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Eric Galagos]

I think I weigh like one for 55. 60.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. I would bet on that. And we. There's no need to check.

[Eric Galagos]

I don't have very much meat on my bones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eric, what's your weirdest hobby. You seem like a guy that has some weird hobbies. Something wacky. Not crying. That's my hardest hobby. Do you cry?

[Eric Galagos]

I cry a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often?

[Eric Galagos]

If a movie's good, I'll just start crying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know why.

[Brian Redband]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just.

[Eric Galagos]

I lean into it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often are we talking about? Once a day? Once a week? Three times a week? Once.

[Brian Redband]

Thrice.

[Eric Galagos]

Yes, three times a week. Let's say that.

[Deep Madness]

Wow.

[Peter Grant]

Full.

[Ari Shafir]

Full balling shakes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, just tears.

[Eric Galagos]

Only if it's Star Wars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tears that roll down your eyes.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, like a lot of tears. Like an Indian who sees one only

[Eric Galagos]

when the door is closed.

[Sam Talent]

I cry at movies too. Schindler's List makes me cry. It does. I hate the ending.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You man, that's

[Deep Madness]

what the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Eric. Well, you have a big joke book already? A little joke book, sir.

[Ari Matti]

I got a big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Well, there he goes. Eric Galagos, everyone. All right, another bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Judah Z. Judah Z.

[Judah Z]

What's going on, Austin? Doing good? I'm feeling pretty good. I'm having my birthday come up soon. I'm turning 41. People tell me I look great for 41, but that's not fair because people look like shit.

[Wes Barker]

Again.

[Judah Z]

In my middle age is not all that bad. You know, like all middle aged men, I always know the seven day AccuWeather forecast. That's right. I always know the weather. But that's because I'm Jewish. And it's easy to know it when you control it. All right, I'm actually in an interfaith marriage. I'm Jewish. My wife's anti Semitic. Can't blame. It's how we raise the kids. You know, growing up Jewish, I actually always thought I was gonna marry a Jewish girl. But then I decided to marry an attractive one instead. My sister hates that joke. Yeah, her and her ugly kids. People think because that's it. All right, thank you, guys. I'm Judah Z.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, abrupt ending there. Normally a true Jew would make the most of their time.

[Judah Z]

I thought I cut it a little short. Give you. That was a Jewish minute, 56 seconds.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, wait till you get paid, then go the whole time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Judah, Judah, Judah, Judah, Judah.

[Ari Shafir]

I saw the name and I'm like,

[Sam Talent]

oh,

[Judah Z]

I didn't put my last name because it's even more Jewish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it?

[Ari Shafir]

I knew it was short.

[Judah Z]

Junestein.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. What's. No, that's not very good.

[Judah Z]

It's less Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

Why not?

[Judah Z]

H It's Zeb is my middle name.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, okay.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Judah Z]

Even more Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Sam Talent]

Judah Zev Hirsch.

[Judah Z]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Jesus Christ.

[Brian Redband]

I know.

[Sam Talent]

You're really making it easy on the comment section right now.

[Judah Z]

Yeah, spamming it away.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Right, because you guys can have Spam, right? It's not real pork.

[Judah Z]

I'm a good Jew, so I eat bacon every day. But only great value bacon.

[Sam Talent]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you?

[Judah Z]

I'm offensively Jewish.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Judah Z]

I'm okay at business and, you know, my name is Judah. That's pretty Jewish about me.

[Ari Shafir]

That's it?

[Judah Z]

Yeah, that's kind of it.

[Ari Shafir]

Nothing else?

[Judah Z]

I'm circumcised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you like to see what happens when I ask Ari Shafir the same question?

[Judah Z]

I mean, he's King Jew, though.

[Sam Talent]

No, that's. Jesus Christ,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari.

[Peter Grant]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What's the question?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's some Jewish stuff about you? You Jewish at all?

[Ari Shafir]

Barely. I paid 13 in taxes last year. Not happy about that. That's a waste of 13. Still kind of bothers me. I guess that'd be the most Jewish thing about it. It still bothers me, the $13 I paid in combined federal and state taxes last year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I was serious.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm upset you brought that up because I kind of buried that.

[Judah Z]

He's more Jewish than me.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Judah Z]

That is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Judah Z]

You beat me. That's why he's the King Jew.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wonder which one of you would last longest in a gas chamber. That's what makes

[Judah Z]

I smoke a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's already holding his breath. Here we go. Oh, I got Ari all the way on this one.

[Sam Talent]

Judah's shorter. The gas won't get him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Judah, what do you do for a living?

[Judah Z]

I don't do too much now, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I used to, bro. Yeah, answers. So why don't you just answer the fucking question? I don't do too much. You're going to be interested to know when I come around to answering the question that you asked, what the fuck do you do?

[Judah Z]

I don't work now. But what did you do? I used to work for a James Bond villain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What did you do for a James Bond villain?

[Judah Z]

I was like a henchman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What does that mean?

[Judah Z]

You know, like, if you're a James Bond villain, you're like, hey, I need someone to buy me, like, a nuclear sub. You got to ask somebody to go do it, do that, or, like, sell missiles.

[Sam Talent]

He's riffing, man.

[Judah Z]

No, no, this is a true. Yeah, this is what I used to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you Mean, what exactly did you used to do? You used to work for a guy

[Judah Z]

who is now in jail. He's like a real life James Bond villain.

[Deep Madness]

Yeah.

[Judah Z]

And I was like his like, right hand henchman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, he's in jail, so let's talk about it. You don't have to be so vague.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you already told the judge. Tell us.

[Judah Z]

Yeah, I, I. Thankfully I was away,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but yeah, don't worry.

[Judah Z]

He's been convicted, but yeah, is it,

[Ari Shafir]

is he in jail or a floating glass box?

[Judah Z]

They got, they got him in federal penitentiary here. Yeah, so he was like, he was like an international criminal. Yeah, there's like a few books about him, like a documentary or two. His name's Paul LaRue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Paul LaRue.

[Judah Z]

Yeah, you could google him. Yeah, you'll see him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what exactly did you do for him instead of such broad. I was his henchman.

[Judah Z]

I say he, he set up a very large criminal empire in the Philippines and I was living.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, I know.

[Judah Z]

That's what that means. No prostitutes, no they drugs.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, they weren't prostitutes because they can't consent.

[Judah Z]

They can't speak. They could be consenting. They don't speak English.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, but 14 is still too young. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's legal there.

[Sam Talent]

That doesn't make it okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you spell that? Larue.

[Judah Z]

L, E, R, O, U, X, L. Oh, Frenchie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, look at him. You used. Did you, like, hang out with him?

[Judah Z]

Yeah, I had to meet him every day at like 5pm at his house. Oh, he's a full crazy guy. Yeah.

[Deep Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long did you do that for?

[Judah Z]

Like two years in my early 20s.

[Ari Shafir]

What's the craziest thing he made you do?

[Judah Z]

I mean, me, I had to go to Papua New guinea and like, bribe some forest ministers and stuff like that, but he was into crazy stuff. He was like selling missiles to the Iranians and.

[Sam Talent]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah. His Wikipedia is hearty.

[Ari Shafir]

More like a Wikipedia.

[Brian Redband]

Nice.

[Judah Z]

It was a good time though, you know, I was in my early 20s. We had a good time, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he pay you well?

[Judah Z]

Yeah, I got paid pretty well.

[Ari Matti]

How?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's pretty well?

[Sam Talent]

What's the hourly wage for a henchman?

[Judah Z]

Yeah, you don't, you don't really work by the hour. You work on, like, success of a project, you know, so you'd be like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

okay, so how much money did you make when he sold missiles to Iran?

[Judah Z]

I was in it. I didn't do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure.

[Brian Redband]

Okay.

[Judah Z]

Like I said, I'm doing all right.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm doing all right.

[Sam Talent]

But, yeah, you would think as a Jew, you would want to sell them to Iran.

[Judah Z]

He's not a Jewish. He's. He's South African, Rhodesian. Yeah, he's a kind of crazy.

[Sam Talent]

That's the worst one.

[Judah Z]

Yeah, he's like there when his from. Yeah, before they turned it into Zimbabwe. Yeah, he was kind of crazy.

[Sam Talent]

So why your last name is Z now? Because of all the genocide you committed.

[Judah Z]

Alleged genocide.

[Sam Talent]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Sound like this guy disputed out like five gins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Come on.

[Judah Z]

Who isn't committing genocide there?

[Ari Shafir]

They just keep showing it from different angles. Look at the, look at the shadows.

[Sam Talent]

Where's the teeth, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you work with him until, what, 2019? 2020.

[Judah Z]

No, I stopped around 2011, and then he got arrested in like 2012, and then he just got.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you ratted on him two years ago.

[Judah Z]

No, no, I, I'm not, I'm not a Jew rat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't.

[Judah Z]

Don't point those Jew rat fingers at me. No, I didn't rat on him.

[Sam Talent]

You guys call each other Jew rats?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Isn't that a double entendre?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, it's redundant. Yeah. Can just say rat?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Or Jew. They're kind of entertaining. Yeah, they both. A Jew rat is like saying an Italian dago. All right.

[Sam Talent]

Are you scared that you just admitted this to millions of people?

[Judah Z]

No, I, I, I wrote a TV show about it. I'm trying to.

[Sam Talent]

What was it called, Wayne?

[Judah Z]

It's called Henchmen.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, Henchmen.

[Judah Z]

Yeah, yeah, it's a comedy. True crime comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you wrote a comedy. For a change.

[Sam Talent]

Okay, Tony, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun.

[Judah Z]

Anti Semitic jokes landed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun here. Okay, so you really married? Do you really have an anti Semitic wife?

[Judah Z]

Yeah, my wife doesn't like Jews too much. I can't blame her.

[Sam Talent]

I mean, is she Palestinian?

[Judah Z]

No, she's. She's Swiss.

[Sam Talent]

She's Swiss.

[Judah Z]

Swiss, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Supposed to be neutral.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Judah Z]

No, no, definitely not neutral. This one.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Judah Z]

Definitely does not like Jews. Can't blame her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Why do you keep saying you can't blame her?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, Ari, Ari.

[Judah Z]

When you meet an anti Semite, can you blame them? Or you're like, I get it.

[Sam Talent]

Remember that joke.

[Ari Matti]

I understand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I'm gonna give you a little joke book. There you go, buddy. There he goes. Mazel tov, Judah, Z. All right, last bucket pool of the night. Night. Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night. Corinne. Aliyah, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for kin. Alia,

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Sparkling water. That's basically just trans water. Thank you. It's not real. Thank you. Michael Gonzalez has a nickname at our gym.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

They call him Big Mike. It's really crazy because I never knew he had the same nickname as Michelle Obama. Like you. Like you. People are getting upset that they're putting the ten Commandments up in all the classrooms in Louisiana. I'm not sure why. Those kids can't even read. Thank you. Okay, okay. My boyfriend has been training jiu jitsu lately, and that makes me really happy and excited that he's been training to protect me from all the other homosexuals.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Corinne. Aaliyah. All right. You've been on this show before.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome back. You have a new thing where you say thank you all the time after, like, every joke. Is that working for you in open mics or something like that? Yeah, it is.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you think that would play in, like, an hour long set if people paid to see you saying thank you 158 times?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

I like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They would like it.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

I like it. I think it works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You like it?

[Erica Kuharsky]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think it works? I can't wait to see which direction this goes.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're welcome. You are. You're very welcome. It is. It is. It plays. Well, in a minute,

[Ari Shafir]

what time do you have to be back in the home?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Well, what's that mean?

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It works. It works. What ethnicity are you again?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Cajuni.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain to Ari Shafir what that is.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, Let him know if he.

[Ari Shafir]

What is it, Dagestani?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

No. So I'm half Cajun. My mom is from Louisiana and I'm. That is Pakistani. My path.

[Ari Shafir]

Kejastani.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I got nothing, fellas.

[Ari Shafir]

That means you can't read and you're not allowed to read.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, Ari. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Is it true that you go to the same gym as Michael Gonzalez?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This was a big, big reveal. Did they really call him Big Mike?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

I think, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah, I saw his name. He signed up for something. I was like, who the hell is this? And it was like, Michael Gonzalez. Like, oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. You signed up for something as Big Mike? Oh. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you're signing up for things as Big Mike. This is amazing.

[Sam Talent]

Is the gym just for petite brown people? No, I said petite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

I didn't. I didn't actually know that. I thought it was you.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, it's for sure you. Yeah.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

I didn't know that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big Mike Gonzalez has a new Nickname on this show, everybody. Big Mike joined the friend.

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I appreciate that.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay, you sign up as Big Mike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's been going on with you since the last time you were on the show? Corinne? Aaliyah.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

A lot of things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Michael, stop talking to the rest of the band. You can talk to them after the show. He's literally in the in ear microphone for the rest of the band going, she literally made this up, guys.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did not sign up as Big Mike. Dude, we're 15 minutes away. You can rationalize you calling yourself Big Mike after this.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah. As soon as I started the joke, he was like, oh, God. And I was like, yeah. I told him I was gonna say it before I got on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. She's like, you'll thank me later. Yep.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

So not that much. Just training, just working out, doing Muay Thai. I still do that a lot. Three times a week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Sam Talent]

There was a guy up here who was eating Muay Thai earlier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

I love Thai food too.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, we are the same.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you really have a boyfriend that you work out with?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you guys all work out at the same gym as Big Mike over here?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's stronger, your boyfriend or Big Mike? Tell the truth now. Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Tell the truth now. Big Mike says. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Oh, he loves it. He loves it. This new nickname. Oh, my God. I think we know the answer. I think we know the answer. Oh, wow. He's. He wants to take off his shirt so badly, ladies and gentlemen. Take it off. He's going to reveal why they call him Big Mike. You want to take it off? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My God. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Damn.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you encourage him? 85 pounds of shredded beef. Absolutely crazy. Big baby. Wow.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, Big Mike. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Wow. That is one of the most ripped quesadillas I've ever seen in my entire life. You see his cum gutters? Those are pretty nice. Yeah. There you go.

[Sam Talent]

That's a crunch wrap right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Absolutely unbelievable.

[Sam Talent]

What's your boyfriend do for fun?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

He's around.

[Ari Shafir]

He's around?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Like, around. Like he's a big fat guy.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

What do you mean he's around here? He's always around here. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Are you avoiding a gunshot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Erica Kuharsky]

No.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

He's Jesus. Jesus. He's Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's Josh. Is that. Is that true?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Now who's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Josh, the guy that helps. Deep madness. Good job, Josh. Wow. That's incredible. I can't believe I would. I would not have guessed that about. I thought he was innocent. Little Josh. Where'd he go? He went into hiding. Where'd he go? He walked off. It's very shy. He can't believe that this has come up. Josh, do you want to pop your head out here? Wow. Yeah, he does. Oh, there he is.

[Erica Kuharsky]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow. Whoa. Oh, my God. He almost fell over. The guy in charge that makes making sure D Madness is safe at all times just almost fell over.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Put that hat on D Madness.

[Sam Talent]

I did.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. You Pakistani. I love it when D gets a little mad. He gets defensive. Sometimes he's. And. And this guy drinks all evening long from the time the sound checks his norm.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

That's different from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of people don't know that. Deep madness is. As well as being a great musician and famously homophobic. Loves having a few cocktails at night. And towards the end of the show, he could get a little wild.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Hell, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

That was your boyfriend?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Have you always been attracted to much older men?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okie dokie.

[Corinne Aaliyah]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get a big joke book last time you were on?

[Corinne Aaliyah]

I got a big one and a little one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There she goes. Corinne, Alia, everybody. On to the next one we go. Your final comedian of the night, you gotta ask yourself, a show that starts with William Montgomery. Well, how can you possibly end it? Well, there's only one way to end a show that starts with William Montgomery, and that is with the future American citizen. Yes, indeed it is. The Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

[Ari Matti]

I love America. Life is so good in America that you guys create your own problems. That's how Cancel Culture started. Bitches with blue hair with nothing to do. Can you believe what Tony Hinchcliffe said? Kill yourself, you miserable bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Life is good.

[Ari Matti]

Even me a couple of nights ago, I'm at home, it's 3am I'm fucking. By the way, this is how men look like when we jack off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fucking.

[Ari Matti]

It's fucking dark.

[Deep Madness]

Dude.

[Ari Matti]

Don't ever walk in on your man masturbating. It's fucking like. I don't know how women do it, but I imagine it's a bit, you know, like. It's a bit more funk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shoo way.

[Ari Matti]

You know, maybe there's a candle or something. Atmosphere. Dudes are just on the pants by our ankles. Must get the poison out. I have to make rational decisions. Holy fuck. I almost bought A BMW. And there I was, 3am I was doing my thing. And only in America can you do this. All of a sudden I feel my tummy want a little bit of yummy.

[Brian Redband]

You get that?

[Ari Matti]

Uber eats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? 3am

[Ari Matti]

There could be a hurricane outside. Pablo is coming on a bicycle with my burger. I pay five extra bucks, Pablo will parachute in. Fucking 325. I had a belly full of burger, belly button full of Cummings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a country. Absolutely ridiculously amazing. 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Thank you. With five times as many punch lines as anyone else. The whole show combined was incredible. Thank you. Absolutely amazing.

[Ari Matti]

My big fat ticket to America.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love him. Double. Double Aries happening at this moment.

[Ari Shafir]

Double ours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's gonna change the world. Fantastic, Ari.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've done it again. Absolutely incredible. How's life been going for you?

[Ari Matti]

Life's been so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, the titties. Yeah, they are. Might be time to get out these someone's. Hell yeah. Those things just make you want to get on the and pull your pants down to your ankles.

[Sam Talent]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't even look back at it. I love it. Look at that.

[Ari Matti]

Corn fed titties.

[Eric Galagos]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really are in Estonia.

[Ari Matti]

We have them all malnourished. We just have the nipple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're like, oh my God,

[Ari Matti]

I found one with a bump.

[Sam Talent]

Calling your friends over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. We had a little Christmas party here last night.

[Ari Matti]

Christmas party was great. Every chick here was in a relationship. Amazing. Yeah, that's always a fun party.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. Everyone had a plus one with them. It was a real fucking look, don't touch type of party.

[Ari Matti]

I have been actually speaking of masturbating. I'm actually like incredible. Like, I'm. See, I got too deep into the pornography for a while. I was down bad. Oh, also in Texas, you know, they're like, no. Pornhub. Hqporna.com not sponsored. It's recommended. High definition curated. Curated by a pervert.

[Deep Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

High definition.

[Ari Matti]

High definition. 8K. You see the bad childhood. And it was going. So for a while I went off the rails, you know, like just like my tab started getting fucking shorter and shorter. You know when you go so deep that there's no more words. It's just fucking scribbles. So what I did now is like I cut porn out of my life. No more.

[Eric Galagos]

No more.

[Ari Matti]

And now I just do it.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude.

[Ari Matti]

Sam, today in the shower, from memory,

[Sam Talent]

bro, you thought of me like, not not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was trying to not come fast. Yeah,

[Cam Patterson]

Sam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam.

[Ari Matti]

No, I like did it in the literally in the shower, eyes closed, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like.

[Ari Matti]

Like I'm Neo, dude. I'm so powerful, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

Congratulations.

[Ari Matti]

It's crazy. No, poor needed. Just instinct. I know. Hard work. That's what I'm saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you're listening to Big Mike over there. Big Mike knows all about that.

[Ari Matti]

I don't think you have a lot of cum in the side of you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It's a tiny, tiny amount because it's

[Ari Matti]

like Michael comes like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old big mic, make little loads over there.

[Ari Matti]

This is how you get mics coming

[Eric Galagos]

like a just

[Ari Shafir]

mini Gonzalez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ari Shafir]

Ari, you're so funny, man.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you're the man.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you, Ari. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so guy. On airplanes, on restaurants, backstage at the bar all the time, always. It's very hard.

[Ari Shafir]

I've never done this before, but in the show, I've been on it at least a dozen times, probably more. But how would you like to open for me in San Antonio in February?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it. Yes. Look at that. Somebody hooked me up. There you go. That's.

[Ari Shafir]

That's off the book money, so don't worry.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, I love off the book money. Palestine.

[Ari Shafir]

We just added a show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. The good news is he's gonna pay you what he paid it in all of taxes last year. Imagine. Ari, you are the absolute man.

[Deep Madness]

Thank you so much.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you.

[Sam Talent]

Bye.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A shooting star in real time with the stylings of the future American Ari Mati. And we did it. How about a hand for our amazing guests Ari Shafir and Sam Talent. They're on tour. Buy their tickets. You know where to find them. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. Ari Shafir has a brand new Special on Netflix. January 14th, everybody. Do you believe in miracles? Pretty much did it. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Tony just yelled the Netflix guys. What the wrong with you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right. Yeah, me and Joe did. We had dinner with the Netflix executives and we said, don't be gay. That's all you have to tell them. Sometimes you got to tell these. What's up? Hell yeah. Lady made a hundred bucks tonight in the audience.

[Judah Z]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for the great Sam talent with two l's, huh?

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two of the best guests to ever do it. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Is that Baby Redband? Oh, my God. Baby Red band with a Tony haircut. Look at that. Oh, my God. He already had fat tits all the way back then, folks. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip.

[Brian Redband]

ATX.com Love you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. We love you guys. Thank you, everybody. Did you guys have a good time tonight? God bless you all and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. It.