Brian Redban (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhengchcliffe.com for everything, the Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony, the uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world. Snuggle up, stay warm December 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored Kill Tony's live from the H E B Center in Austin, Texas. This is a new super annual amazing event. It is our biggest two night event of the year and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now. Kill Tony live dot com. Get it for your loved ones. Get it for yourself. Love it or hate it live December 30 and 30. Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode to Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Let's go. Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Welcome. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck we feeling tonight, huh? Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for the best Stan band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Esteban Viejo, Juan Cortez, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muhling on the electric, John Dees on the keys and Deep Madness on the bass guitar. The whole family is here. Everyone very, very excited about tonight's episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tick. This episode is brought to you by Google Gemini. With the Gemini app, you can talk live and have a real time conversation with an AI assistant. It's great for all kinds of things like if you want to practice for an upcoming interview, ask for advice on things to do in a new city or brainstorm creative ideas. And by the way, this script was actually read by Gemini. Download the Gemini app for iOS and Android today. Must be 18 to use Gemini Live. This episode is brought to you by Dutch Bros. Big smiles, rocking tunes and epic drinks. Dutch Bros. Is all about you. Choose from a variety of customizable handcrafted beverages like our rebel energy drinks, coffees, teas and more. Download the Dutch Bros app for a free medium drink. Plus find your nearest shop, order ahead and start earning rewards offer valid for new app users only. Free medium drink Reward upon registration 14 day expiration terms apply. See DutchBros.com so you're getting hungry. Really hungry. Head to Jack in the Box and pick up a Smash Jack. It's a juicy, delicious smashed burger topped with cheese, pickles, grilled onions and boss sauce. And it's now available on Sourdough, the Smash Jack. Only a Jack in the box? Order one on the Jack app today. Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh? Well, well, well. We're all here. And you know, this is just one of those episodes that it's just nothing can stop its momentum. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Two of the funniest humans, two of our true brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in the history of the show, two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is Sam Talent and Ari Shafir, the greatest, powerful Ari Shafir, one of the goats of guests. Sam Talent, live in the flesh. Ari Shabir, fully clothed tonight. You gotta love it. Turn over a new leaf. I don't do that anymore. It's childish. I love it. I love it. We've been through a lot together. We have seen a lot of each other and it is good to have you back. Thanks, buddy. It's hard to concentrate. I see a lot of cleavage right that way. It's gonna be difficult. Little beautiful. Little good eye, Ari, right there. Absolutely fantastic. Wagga, front row, Right in the front. Wait, I gotta tie my shoe real quick. Okay, got it, got it. Oh, her laces are untied too. Ari, you might have to go tie her shoes. They're right there. Huh? They're gonna be there all night long. I could throw a little joke book right in there right now. No doubt about it. I could probably throw a big joke book in there. Oh, she's fixing it. She's no fun. She must be visiting from LA or something. I'm excited. I'm being fucking objectified in the 6th street in Texas by fucking comedians at the front row of a dirty comedy show. Stop fixing it, you hoe. What's your onlyfans. No. Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, fellas, I got it. Yeah, they put the horny in horn players over there. That's right. 226 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight. You know what I'm gonna do? Okay, well, we'll see what happens here. Sure, we'll get that one going. We'll let fucking big tits Jenkins pick the. Pick the Jenkins, pull two at once. Oh, there they go, bouncing around. Oh, look at that. It's a woman to start. It's a woman to start. So we'll do that one first and the one that fell out second. Go wrangle them. What are the odds? Did you see the boyfriend? Don't worry, we'll do something you like next week. Yeah, yeah, have fun. Have fun sitting through three and a half hours of Wicked. You. Oh, you're safe. It was a wizard of us. Oh, you're so fucked. And you're gonna have to do it with your dick halfway out too. If it's truly even Stevens, that shaft is gonna be blasting with popcorn butter all over. If she has to be here with her tits half out, you have to watch Wicked with your shaft out. Yeah, but no tip, just shaft. Yes, because there's no nipples over here. Yes, exactly. Call the Quality, brother. Exactly. And then maybe there'll be some women that walk by like, wow, look at that money maker. You know what I mean? Just like what happened here. Nature is healing. We're gonna have some fucking fun tonight. And I'm warning you right now, it shall start with a God damn bang of inconceivable proportions. As you guys know, as fans of the show, everybody does 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And tonight, we start with a regular who needs no introduction at all. Yet I will still give him one. Some people call him the Victor of Van Nuys. Some people call him the Educator of Edinburgh. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. The vanilla Gorilla. To start tonight's episode, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the hall of Fame with more appearances than any comedian in history. The most interviews in Kill Tony history. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Damn. Let me see them titties, bitch. Holy shit. No, seriously, Pfizer is about to release a new version of the COVID vaccine. And the worst part is that it includes a new YouTube album in the syringe. Quick. Housekeeping. A note. Tonight's proceeds will benefit the defense fund of Harvey Weinstein. I'm gonna start selling shirts to say I survived the MeToo movement. Let's be honest, though, considering I've only talked to four girls in my life, including my mom, I didn't really survive the Me Too movement. It's like being locked up at Rikers island on 911 and later, you tell someone, yeah, I was there. Okay. That's my Tahima William. One of the most loved humans in the history of the show. A master of likability, a master of charisma. It is so nice to be here. And I think this woman, after I tell you it's literally. This is Tony. My six year anniversary of being a regular on the show. So, bitch, I think you really. Who's that? Your man right there? Do some more crowd work. Ask him some more. Ask him some more questions. You're just gonna stop after asking if that's their man? You're not gonna make a joke or anything that you're just going to nod along? No. Now I feel awkward because she really does have some really nice titties, it looks like. I mean, look at those things. So when y'all have sex, do you get on top of them? Wow. Or does he get on top of you? Great question. Keep asking. How do y'all do it? How y'all do it last, huh? She said. She said on top. You get on top. Oh, I bet your titties are really bouncing them. Yikes. I wondered what you were getting at there. That's. Me too, Tony. Me too. Me too. Hashtag. Me too. Hashtag. Me too. Yeah. My goodness, what an amazing legend of the game. You guys have seen William many times before. Sam used to hang out with him in the mean streets of Colorado. Together. He was. You were there that fateful night at the Squire Lounge. They were doing an open mic there. And it's when I was drinking a lot. I would put my backpack behind me and I had a notebook in there filled with jokes. And a homeless person stole my backpack that night. And that homeless person was Hans Kim. Yeah. You were like, what am I going to do? How will I ever be able to remember all my genius musings? And it was mostly like, when dad comes home, we have a song about it. That was. That joke was in there. Yep. Yeah, it was in there. Yeah. You got it back, though. Yeah, I did not get it back. Well, we have a special thing that's happening. I can't believe you Organically brought this up. We have two special sacks for you. I got two special sacks. Oh, well, you really just stepped on the whole thing. I was doing there. Thank you, Ari. It was basically getting back to her fat tits. But you had to make it about your balls. I clearly nothing I was getting to there as the host of the show, but. Very good. Everybody knows everybody. Ari has two ball sacks. More educational than it is comedy. You may not know. It is an anatomical anomaly. They call it. It's two sacks, but it's still also just two testicles. They live separately. Yeah, no, I was doing another she has tits joke. We're gonna have to give her like 50 grand at the end of this episode to say that she enjoy. It's gonna be great. That's what she makes monthly. Yeah, yeah. We're gonna have to promote something for. Are your nipples pierced? Oh, do you have like. Do you have like a small. Be really hot if they were pierced. Are they. Do you have, like a small business you'd like us to promote or something? You don't make things on Etsy or something like that? Do you have an Only fans? We can make this up to you. What do you do for a living? What is. What do you do? A concierge. Wow, okay. What is that? An expensive escort. What is that? Is that what that is? How about. How about your man here, sir? What do you do? We'll plug something for you. You work in my. Okay, well, you guys, you know, you need to start your own businesses or something. What can I say, William? What else is going on in the world? I am praying to God I can convince Red Band to come to my parents house at Christmas. Now, Red Band, y'all grew up in not the best situation. He hate Christmas. And let's keep that between us. It's really not a good time for him. Again, he grew up in, like, this really poor family and he wouldn't get presents or anything, so. The guy hates Christmas, so I'm trying to get him to come to Memphis. Come on, Red Band. Is anybody in your family allergic to cats by any chance? Because I don't know if you know this, but Red Band literally is covered in cat hair, everybody. I don't know if you see that, but there it goes. A little gift. A little gift for the audience. Oh, she's going to catch it. She's going to. There it is. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of fucking Disgusting with your superstar, Brian Redban, where Tony picks things off of Red Band and throws it in the crowd. Red Band Hates Christmas because the cookies are for Santa. Yeah, you have to leave Santa some breast milk. Oh, yeah. Your algorithm's fucked. Yeah. We get on Red Band's phone one night and Mitzi's after this. We're all joking around out about what our Instagram algorithms are, and I swear to God, Red Band gets his up and it's all women and their children breastfeeding. Wait, look at that one. That's like an eight year old kid. Believe it, that's a fully grown kid. Oh, my God, what a loophole. God, it's still that way. Red, man, it's unbelievable. God, it is unbelievable. Sometimes the babies are dolls. Yeah. And it's full grown adults. There's like an 11 year old on one of the ones he just had out. Which leads me to my point, sir, if you suck on her. All right, this is out of control. Even D Madness is like. I can't even look at this shit anymore. All right, we're having fun. You really want Red Band to come over for Christmas? Red Band? Are y'all gonna come? Why do you want Red Band to come? What are you looking forward to the most? I don't know. With Red Band Christmas so much. Oh my goodness. I really don't like it. What a shock. Well, I mean, it's gonna be okay. Your mom is coming. Yeah, your mom's gonna be there. We gotta do mattress down in the bedroom I grew up in, so she's gonna be really comfortable. But we don't even have to talk about that though. Redband, please come. I'll think about it. Okay. Okay. Wow, look at that. How exciting. Could be there in Memphis. What's to think about? Just go. Yeah. All right. I love it. William, what else is going on? Other than the Christmas spirits and whatnot? Not a lot. Well, Tony, you're not going to want to hear this, but I actually now on Call of Duty, I started playing. Nobody wants to hear this. But now on Call of Duty has been a big part of my life the past week. Now I've Call of Duty, I'm playing the zombies thing. And I realized that I'm really close to getting Opal camouflage on my AK47. You say no one's, which is like a big deal. Tony, I swear, it's a lot of time I've been putting into it. I'm not really good at the game, so don't ever look me up on there. But I put a lot of time in. People can look you up. They could. I'm not going to do my Name out right now because I was trying to play with my brother the other night and these random people kept on getting on because at one point when I was drinking and doing a bunch of cocaine, I would get on just to talk and I was befriending people. So now when I logged back on, it was all these kind of probably some nice people, but it was people I. I don't remember talking to. So I don't want to talk to him now. I'll go on there. What's your name on there? I'll find you on there. What's your name? I mean, I'm not saying my name. Oh, okay. I'll be your emotional support human. Yeah, it's fine. William, we love you. What else is going on? Did you eat anything good this week? You're a little healthy boy. You have a good appetite. Had a Philly cheesesteak in Indiana. That was not good. I ate some egg rol. Those were not good. Wow. It's been a really bad week for me with the food. You saw me eat a piece of white bread last night. Yeah, you were dabbing your head with white bread. You were going up to everybody saying you were really hot. You would dab your head with the bread. It was hilarious. It was hilarious. I put it, I took it out of my coat pocket, act like it was a pocket square. And then your brother stonewalled me so I did it to him and then I ate the piece of bread afterward and he was like, oh, hell. I remember. Good Lord. Covered in sorghum. That's a funny bit. I know. He loved it. I loved it too. He is something else. Selden Montgomery, truly one of the funniest human beings just rolling around here, not doing stand up. Comedy surprises me. It's like a super talent that blatantly could do it, you know? Yeah, I don't know. Well, he's about. We're renting a car and we're gonna take the drive from Austin to Memphis in a couple of. Couple of days. Why are you driving? I like to drive. I, unlike Red Band, have very nice memories of Christmas. So I am really looking forward to going back to my parents house on Christmas. How long of a drive is that? Nine and a half hours. Why didn't you fly? Seven hours. If I take Adderall and I might. I might take some Adderall and so we'll see. Then I don't have to stop and I drive really fast. But if I smoke weed or something, then I drive slow. So if I just take Adderall I get in the zone and AutoZone. It's 8 1/2 hours or 1. Montgomery family sing along. Yep, we have really long sing alongs. William, before I let you go, anything you're passionate about this week? I am passionate about getting my motherfucking Opal Camouflage of my assault rifle. There you go. Okay. Thank you. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun. But looking for a pickup truck to get just about anything done. Look no further. The Chevy Silverado EV isn't just the most powerful Silverado ever with next level towing capability and technology. It also offers game changing versatility with the available multiflex midgate and tailgate. Which means Silverado EV helps you carry large, bulky and oddly shaped items up to nearly 11ft in length. Chevrolet together. Let's drive. Visit Chevrolet.com to learn more. This episode is brought to you by Allstate. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like, you know, to check the date of the big game first before you accidentally buy tickets on your 20th wedding anniversary and have to spend the next 20 years of your marriage making up for it. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate Savings. Vary terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Now we get to the bread and butter of the show, the true beating heart of kill, Tony the Bucket. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, my God, a sausage fest like this. There's guys up here that have two ball sacks. You got Heidi, the lovely Heidi, balancing the scales. All right, our first bucket bowl tonight. Goes by the name of Erica Kuharsky. We're gonna meet her all together right now. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Erica Kuharsky. Hell yeah. Peyton Manning and me, we're forehead twins. Yeah, you like that? Yeah. I've got extra yardage. Call that a personal foul. Kuhrski. It's half German, half Polish. So Germany invaded Poland and then my relatives invaded Poland. That's my white guilt. Yeah, dealing with a lot of that. I just got married, you guys. With that forehead. Yep, it's possible. It's pretty great, guys. I don't have mental illness anymore. We have mental illness. Definitely. Try it out. It's great. He's Hispanic, I'm white. So our couple name is Wet Cracker. To be politically correct. Moist Saltine. If it's great. I went to school for. That's right I went to school for archaeology because I'm really good at digging up the path and telling everyone about it. Thank you, guys. I'm Erica Kowarski. Erica, that was very funny. I was laughing. I was laughing because Ari took a sip of his beer and poured it on himself. Had nothing to do with what you were talking about over there. Damn it. Somebody filled it up too much. It's a cat. It's a canary. Oh, my goodness. Hi, Erica. Hey there. How long you been doing stand up? About 10 years. 10 years? Jesus fucking Christ, Erica. Oh, don't clap for that, people. That's not a thing. 10 years doesn't seem a day over one year. Thank you so much. Yeah. You've aged gracefully. And you're still a substitute teacher. No. Is that what you fantasized, Wells? Up here? Of course. No, no, I'm not doing that. Where have you done these 10 years of hard work in stand up comedy at? Well, I started in improv for a couple years and then. You're counting that with the 10? Yeah. So let's give seven. I'm sorry, so you're gonna say stand up for seven? Yeah. Okay. Those three years of improv are really shining. Yeah. You're doing a lot of yesing. It's the. And we have to work on. All right, I can work on that. Yes. And I liked the opener about the forehead. Thank you. That's a funny thing to say right away. Sam's a huge football fan. I do. Peyton Manning fan coming from Colorado. He is a big Peyton Manning fan, so you could have said anything about Peyton Manning there and he would have found it interesting. Oh, yeah, Perfect. Yeah, I love to pander. That's my favorite thing to do. It's a good move. Love football. Football rules. Go on. Rules. It's the best. If I'm not watching football, I'm not living. Now we're talking. Yeah. All right. Touchdown, baby. Yes. Oh, my goodness. She's saying keywords from football, ladies and gentlemen. I'm close. Keep going. What are your thoughts on holding? On holding? Yeah. Oh, I hold that yellow flag. I don't. Drop it, baby. I don't. That makes sense. Picking up the Kleenex. This has gone a little far. Yeah, yeah. Not 10 yards, though. Hey, that's a first down. Whoa. Unbelievable. She's an improv genius, Tony. It is unbelievable. There's a lot of brain behind that forehead, which is interesting. You mentioned the forehead a couple times during the set. But meanwhile, it is the sixth ugliest thing about you I've Got the notes here. I didn't find it to be the standout. Terrible feature about you. I found it. What was. What was number five? Just curious. Greasy hair. Thank you. Yeah. It's unbelievably unwashed. I know. It's unkept, especially for a big show like this. Yeah, it's like you have helmet head. Yeah, right. I got to take that off before I come over here. It's like you haven't watched the more your improv days. Erica, where do you live? Right now I'm just mobile, but we're gonna move here in Austin at the end of the month. You live in your car? We live in an Airbnb. Ooh. Okay. Yeah, we were doing basement travel between the relatives, so I was in Atlanta for a month. When you say basement travel, what does that mean? I've never heard of that before. Right. Well, I have a lot of relatives and we just go between, so I have an aunt in Georgia that we were living in the basement and before that my parents. Basement. There's a lot of basements going on. That must be what adds that dewy moisture to the hair that I'm noticing. Right on. It's very humid. Thank you. It's a lot of moisture. Unnecessary moisture. Erica, what exactly do you do for a living? Right now I'm in between jobs. I help my husband with digital media. We do. We. We edit. So interesting. We edit porn. Okay, now we're getting there. There we go. We're back. Open with that next time. Peyton Manning. Seven years of comedy. Really? Wow. Like, I have really pretty feet, so I've been. Wait, it's your feet? Well, that's the part that I do. And then he does the video editing with a different company. Hold on. So you guys take videos of your feet and he edits them, Is that right? Hey, do you want to do the secret show? What's to edit for feet? Yeah. What's going on there? Is he putting in, like, special effects or something? Is there like, little Ewoks fighting in between your toes or something? Sometimes. There you into that? It's a giantess porn. I love giant porn. It's great. Yep. They just. They. Yeah, they love the feet. And yes, they put tiny people next to it. They love. Is this a real thing? Are you kidding? I can't tell. What's going on. I dated a girl that did. People love big women, but giantess people love. Where would people find your work? Where would people find. I'm wrecking Becca. Reckon Becca on what? Basementfeet.com. Or how do we find feet? Relatives are us. No. Wow. Oops. Time for Red Band to pretend like he doesn't know what that is. Yeah. Looking it up over here. Keep looking. Clips for sale. Like, on Twitter. Do you like stomping wet dog food and stuff? I don't do that. Why not? Don't you want to make money? That's where the action is. You gotta order a custom, sir. Yeah, okay. No, it's like, special effects stomping stuff. So reckon Becca is on. How would people find it? You can find it on Twitter. Okay. There you go. So you look on Twitter. That's a video. You ever breastfeed with your feet? I'll look into it. That's a good idea. Okay. Yeah. Hey, I'm all about the money. If you can get some. Get some. What makes. What makes your feet so, like, sexually exceptional? They're big. They're size 10. Whoa. Fucking disgusting. Gross. Holy shit. Yeah, brutal. Yeah, pretty good. Can we see one? No. Show us the bad one. I'll give you $8 if I can see one. Whoa. Is this your sock removal? This is reckoned back up. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. You're really stretching out that sock. Well, there it goes. It's like watching a reverse birth. Wow. This is incredible, you guys. I wish you could see this because you'd be incredibly not turned on or off. It's just there's, like, angry ants in the background. Like, put your feet away. You got merch. God. Jesus. All right. Yeah. Okay. Doing that. Hoping comedy takes off. Yikes. What you're trying to say. You better. You better keep those money makers protected, those socks. Double socket lady. Because the comedy, it ain't gonna happen. Can you put your fist in your mouth? No. Very good, Red Band. Put the mic down. Very good. Great, great stuff. Great stuff. Red Band Comedy from Red Band, everybody. All right. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Life's just been kind of crazy. I got married in October. Congratulations. So just kind of getting back to the swing of things and trying to figure out where we're living and everything. After you plan a wedding. So. Congratulations. I know. Thank you. Thank you so much. Where'd you get married at? In Las Vegas. Yep. And then. So you guys just have been Airbnb since then? Yep. In the basements, of course. We've been hitting the open mics. Oh, he does comedy, too. He does. Yeah. Terrible. I'm gonna let you out of here. I'm gonna show you some mercy. I got an idea for you for a video There's a room in the Holocaust memorial in Washington, D.C. with just a bunch of shoes. Oh, really? Yeah. Here's a little joke book. There she goes, everybody. Erica Kuharsk. Boots are made for walking. Right there. Suck it. To me. Okay, well, let's get that started, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Okay, very good. All right, I. I got it. This person is in a wheelchair, is what you're telling me. They need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Okay, got it, ladies and gentlemen. The next person will need a minute because they're in a wheelchair. Isn't that the greatest intro you've ever heard, ladies? Who loves handicapped people, huh? You know, it could be the next superstar on this show. We love handicapped people. Make some noise for Layman Merle. Layman Merle Hubis. Layman Merle Hubis, everybody. It doesn't seem like he's in a wheelchair. It's a miracle. It's a mirror. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Layman Merle Hubus. I do believe. Hello. Oh, I'm exhausted after this shit. My name is Layman Merle Huber. I go by Lee. And those of you calling me Stroke Lee, well, actually, it's kind of cool you can call me that. I am divorced. And there's a lot of reasons for that divorce. But I guess the best one was that I had problems in the bedroom. Yeah, Every time we'd make love, I'd start coming. I'd start laughing uncontrollably. I'd make crazy faces. And she didn't like it. And so I went to the doctor, found out I'm suffering from immature ejaculation. But while I was there, he said, you know, prostate, ejaculation is good for your prostate. You should tell your wife that. I said, shit. She's not going to believe that shit. Gonna have to write me a prescription. So I go home. Hey, babe, remember that lecture you gave me the other day about following doctor's orders and shit? Well, here. And she looked at the prescription and said, that's awesome. Why don't you take it to the pharmacy and get it filled? So that fucker at CVS hadn't stopped calling me for refills. I guess that's my time. Layman Merle Huber. Welcome to the show Layman. Hi, Tony. How's it going, my man? Wonderful. I'm just a little exhausted from walking up the stairs. I love it. Fantastic. What is your condition exactly? I had a stroke on my birthday of this year. Happy birthday. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was Were you doing some kind of special celebrating or something like that that made this stroke happen? Were you drinking? Were you eating cake? What happened? No, everybody thought I was drunk because I started losing my balance and then, you know, next thing you know, I sit down and I can't. I can't get out of the chair, but damn it. Hey, it's not all bad, you know. Oh. I mean, consider that everything that I do, I can say I did single handedly. Yeah. Reminds me of my honeymoon. Well, besides, plus I have the kung fu grip that I always wanted with my GI Joe. Oh yeah. I mean, I can grab on. Oh yeah, your GI Joe, GI Joke, funk kung fu grip. Remember that? What does that do with you? Not 70s. I'm an old guy. How old are you? 58. Almost 59. Being in March. Yeah, 58. You look great. Thank you. Yeah, I feel okay. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm a video producer, livestream producer and comedian. But I. I used to own a comedy club in Arlington. Oh, wow. Hyenas Comedy Club. Okay. And I did comedy for a while and then I've taken a 10 or 12 year hiatus, but I'm back. Oh yeah. Got divorced and now I can do whatever the I want. Damn right. Yeah, absolutely. Except for clap your hands, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, okay. All right. Challenge my good old jokes. I could still slap a. You know, I love it. It's like looking into the future right now. Yeah. So there you were, celebrating with friends and family. What did it feel like? What does it feel like when a stroke is happening? Does it feel like anything or is it parts? Well, mine took about two days. You know, I would. Had been working and I thought my arm was getting sore because all the lifting and stuff and I was telling my buddy, but that was the first sign. I just didn't know. And then I started losing my balance and I was at the party and then I sat down in a lounge chair and I couldn't get up. My arm leg quit working. And that was it. Someone had to carry me to the car. Wow. When he was saying that, I just saw a bunch of fat dudes just kind of grabbing their arm in the audience. No, but I. I am. You know, I was, I've been homeless for a while, but I'm gonna, I am gonna recover. Don't worry. You're homeless? I was. Oh, I was gonna say it was. My brother took me in after my stroke and I've been in a. In Granbury, sitting by myself 16 hours a day watching Kill Donnie? Hell yeah. I love it. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for Kill Tony. I probably would. No, that's why I would have. Laughter is the best medicine. Absolutely. Absolutely. So what else do you do? Well, I haven't been able to do much, but thanks for asking. You know, I like to do a lot of stuff for. I like to. I like to do a lot of two handed shit. Play pool, play guitar, you know, things like that I can't do, so. Right, that's what you used to do. I used to last up, but you know, I still got one hand. Play darts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got. I got in a fight with the guy and he said I'm not. You know, you're in a wheelchair. And I asked this other guy in a wheelchair to get out of here. So let's do it, you know. Yeah. Put your other hand behind your back and we'll do it. You? Hell yeah. Little wild roller derby going on over there. Yeah. Were you a smoker? I am a smoker, yeah. You're still smoking? Oh yeah. Respect. Yeah, yeah. I'm not quitter. Hell no, Right? Hell yeah. You already survived the worst part that could happen. No, I, I actually, I just started again. I don't have a problem quitting it starting. I have the problem with, you know. What do you mean by that? Exactly what I mean by that. I quit all the time. It's just. I can't resist the starting up again. But I can put it down, no problem for a little while, you know. Wait, you can put it down, no problem. No, yeah, no problem for about six hours. Okay. Ex wife ears that you keep mentioning. How long were you with her for? 20 years. What do you hate about her? I don't hate her. I'm still madly in love with her. But I just know that I could never be married to her again the way she treated me. So how did she treat you? Let's talk about it. You know, just the. When you. When someone that tells you you're the most important person to them in your life and then all of a sudden they ghost you and treat you like you don't exist, you know, it's kind of a painful thing, but. Well, she made me sleep on the porch one time. But what? Yeah, I was back porch in the heat. It's because you didn't have a ramp to get in. No, this is pre stroke. This is pre stroke. She probably caused the damn stroke. Yeah, probably had a lot to do with it. Yeah. Yeah. I ended up losing my house all my money and ended up. Well, I had a career issue. I lost my career and then I ended up being homeless. I bought an RV and it got stolen. How did they steal your rv? Long story. But I had met a person that lived in a nice kind of mansion in Dallas and said not mansion, but you know, it's a nice place. Yeah, three stories. And they said I could park it out back. And then anyway, it got stolen from the back. You know, they stole all my property and stay with my sister. And then my car broke down and I couldn't find a job. Newark, Texas, if anyone knows where Newark is, there's. If you want a job, you're gonna work at the Dollar store. That's about it, you know. Okay, wait, buddy, I'm sorry. I got a question. Yeah. These people said you could park your RV out back. Who stole your rv? Well, the one armed man, the guy, he was insurance fraud. The guy that owned the house was mentally retarded. But he's kind of say he was mentally retarded. Yeah, but he Was he actually mentally retarded? Absolutely. He's like 70, 72 years. How does a 72 year old mentally retarded guy own a three story house? His parents were rich and had a trust fund. Wow. Was he like fully, like totally retarded and love the guy? Yeah. Can you imagine that? Just a rich retarded guy. I mean, how much fun would that be? Yeah. What's that like? Tony? Yes, I'm super. A well known thing about. I'm an old man now. This is 30, 13 years. We've run out of jokes to make. Everyone. I don't know what the bean is everybody. So I am retarded. Well, I meant more the super rich thing. Well, it's awesome. Yeah. So let's go back to layman Merle Huber here. Yeah, I go by Lee, but since my wife hated my name so much, I said, I'm going by layman Merle Huber because we went to get our marriage license. She said, your name's layman Merle Huber, not Lee Huber. I said, yeah. She goes, I wouldn't have married you if I'd have known that. What a. This lady. This lady's not a nice lady. I told her, you don't, you don't deserve that last name anyway. So, you know, you. I'm using the full name. Do you regret not hitting her when you had the chance? I've never hit a woman. Never will. But you know, you never will, that's for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I might hit a guy right now. Yes. That would go viral. I got. I got a lot of pen up rage. Yeah. But layman, were you still married when you were living in the RV with a rich guy? No, no, no. That's after. That's why I was. Had to buy the rv, because she divorced me and took. You know, I gave her the house and. And so I said it. I got. Did the rich guy have, like, cool things in his house? Like. Yeah, he's known as the king of punk in the Dallas scene. He's written a book. He's. Well in the punk. He wrote a book? Yeah. And it looks exactly like a book you would think that he would write. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Red Band. This is good news for you. It's a coloring book, right? It's true. It looks. He. It's called Outside the Lines Alive. The pages are edible. He had autographs of every famous punk rocker you could think of. Black Flag. He had rare albums. His parents were rich, so they got him backstage passes, like everything, I guess. And he got to know all these bands, and so he's kind of famous in the scene. But anyway, he's a cool guy. I liked him. But this girl that told me about the room I could rent there was trying to get his money, and she was after him, telling him she was on another. We have now found out who stole your rv. Exactly. Her and her biker boyfriend robbed me. Her what? Boyfriend. Biker boyfriend. Oh, I thought you said black guy. Like, yeah, it was them for sure. Biker. All white people involved. Y. Has anything good ever happened? You have. That's. No. The stroke is the best thing that happened to me in seven years. There you go. This is good news for Red Band. Yeah, that was prior to that. Life sucked even worse. But finally I got some attention. Got to lay in a bed and get fed. When you're homeless, it's like it's a move on up. The real reason was that it brought my son and I. We hadn't had a relationship in a few years, and he came to see me and it brought back together. So now you guys can play catch. Yeah. Yeah. You and. You and your son are close now. Where does he live? He lives. He lives in Allen. He's a school teacher and a football coach and. Oh, awesome. Awesome. He was at Allen High School. Now he's doing middle school lacrosse and stuff. All right, cool. What do you guys do together? Not as much as we used to, for sure. Right. But he's a He's a busy guy. But. But we. Mostly right now we just talk on the phone. I mean, I haven't. He hasn't visited me in about five months or six months. I've never seen a sadder, more positive guy in my life. It's amazing. Yeah, it's amazing. There's no reason to look on the negative side. Yep. And you know what? That's why you're leaving with some Zippix and nicotine toothpaste. All right. And a big joke book. I know that you're gonna catch this. I believe. Do you believe in miracles? Yeah. All right, carry. Carry this guy out of here. We gotta keep the show moving. How about one more time for layman? Merle Huber, everybody. Oh, everybody leaving all of a sudden. Oh, my God. Not wrong. Jesus Christ. What a bunch of geniuses. 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Visit betterhelp.com to learn more and save 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. H E L P dot com. How about a hand for Zach, our security guy who's butt fucking? Poor layman. You're witnessing a live male rape, everybody, by one of the most homophobic security guards at the club. I know for a fact he'd rather eat a homeless woman's than lick a dude's butthole once. What would you do? I would lick the dude's. Oh, yeah. There's a specific homeless woman that we're talking about that hangs around this are. You have to see it. You would pick the dude's butt? Trust me, one swipe of the tongue. Look, red bands with you, dude. Red bands with you. He would eat the pussy I've been there. It's. It's all right. You mean you've licked a dude's ass before? No, I massage girls, you know. All right, very good. Way to recover, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pole was on the inside. We know this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best magicians in the world has signed up for the show. This is Wes Barker, ladies and gentlemen. A real, like, famous legit magician. Wes Barker. He's on the inside here. He'll be everywhere. It's one of you representing the audience here tonight. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at the Mothership? How exciting. This is Wes Barker, everybody. All right. Hi, I am Wes. I'm a Canadian. I'm a professional magician. I hate children more than you think. Being a magician made me hate the kids. Kids don't suspend their disbelief, you know, like, if they see something, they say something with magic that's pretty bad. Like, if we did magic right now, you'd love it. You'd love it. And you guys, you would learn a lot. It's magic show and then magic lessons kind of right about there, you know? But at least you would shut the fuck up. You know, kids, they don't do that. Brutal. Actually. I hate it. I'll give you an example. The red ball trick, for example, with a kid, I do this, I take the red ball, vanish, and then the kid would go, it's in your other hand. And they're right every time. Like, fucking sucks, you know? But adults, we have, like such a strong grip on reality. So, you know, kids are smart in a stupid way, but adults, we expect the physics to go the way it goes every time, you know, like even like, prime example, sir, you're a grown ass man. Same trick which handles it and point to it. I wasn't gonna risk it with you, honestly. Both hands. That's my time. Thanks, everybody. Wes Barker, a real professional magician. We know him. You hang out a lot. You're part of this, part of the. You hang out in Austin, right? And he entertains the fuck out of us sometimes after the show. A lot. Wes, do you have a favorite fabric? I love that you thought you had to tell us that you were Canadian. It's amazing. I started wearing this recently and I thought it really suited me, and now I'm wondering if it does. Oh, yeah. Felt good. Thank you. I appreciate it. You're going down Jay Leno's path so fast. You might have an eye patch and a bruised skull in a week. This is incredible. Three different types of Denim. Yeah. Jesus Christ, bro. Canadian tuxedo, baby. It is something else. It is something else. So, Wes, how's everything been going? Yeah, things are good. I've. I kind of, like, about six months ago, moved here, but like part time because my wife lives in Toronto, so I'm back and forth all the time. And, yeah, I probably signed up 35 times. So fun to get your first time getting picked. Yeah, amazing. Fun. Amazing. You got some other tricks for us, dude, let's. Yeah, I didn't even really do it. I mean, that was just sort of like a. I know. You're silly. Yes, I have a. I have a. I can do a real trick right now. You guys want to see a real magic trick? So I'll give you the inside scoop. I need sometimes him. And what do you need? No, I was gonna. I need someone with a purse, but I'll find that a second. You keep talking. Well, just. Somebody give him a purse right there. We love magic. We need a huge purse. We love magic here. Nice. And. Oh, he's going through the purse, going. Exciting. Okay. There's no denim in there anyway. We get trashed and we have him and any other magician that's around do magic tricks while we drink fucking whiskey. And it's a lot of fun. It's a pretty good time. I always say that at the end of the day up in heaven when all the entertainers are together. If that's really how heaven works, it's everyone just watching magicians. That's how I picture it. It's much better than good magic. Tony, do you have any money on you? I know you always have money on you. I actually zero cash. Don't. No. Last night was the Christmas party here. And. Whoa, new money over here. What's it like being a rich. Jesus Christ. This guy over here. Hey, sign, sign, sign Sam's money there. Okay. Whoa. Good luck getting that 100 back. Yeah, that's illegal. Ari Shabir signs it mine now. Okay. No, he ruined it. There it is. So Ari. Ari described himself on here. And. And you'd recognize this anywhere, right? Okay. You'd recognize this hundred dollar bill anywhere. You've written on it and everything. So some magicians will fold 100 really small and they'll turn it into a dove. Yeah, I don't. I don't do that, but you ever get a chance. It's pretty cool. You should check it out. I do. More like. That is gone. Sam left. Where the. Is the money, man? Check, Sam. Check your left pocket. No one's moving Left pocket. Yeah. There's no way. There's nothing in there. I'm just about with you. Okay. Oh. I just want to see if you believed in me. Here we go. All right. So that's why I got this purse. This is like a little, you know, little insurance policy. See if you can find something here that's worth $100. Okay. You're missing $100. I sure am. Magnifying glasses. Whoa. In case your husband wants to have sex with you later. Wow. Keeping that one. All right. Okay. And then a magnifying glass. What the hell? Whoa. Some mini tongs. Oh, this lady's. Where do you live? Wow. The security. Riverside. The security here is so busy butt handicapped men that they're letting people with knives into the venue. That is Zach Famous. If you're wondering what his name is, it's Zach the security guy. I don't even handicap men instead. Of. Sure what that is. Hey, what did I miss here? Oh, that is. Is. It's a Hitachi baby one. Wow. Redban, our senior dildo analyst, knows exactly what it is. A lemon. This is what we need. Can I have the knife back, please? Please. Okay, so if you ever misplace your money, you got to check. You got to check the fruit sometimes inside lemons. That is a real lemon. It is dripping. You can see. Oh, my God. There's no way. If only we had some tongs. Pull it out. Now. Wait. Now put it on the vibrator. Now open it up. Display it like a magician would. Here we go. You like that, don't you, Ari? Yeah. This is. Wow. This is incredible. Whoa. It's Ari's name. Wow. Unbelievable. Wait. Sam's money. Ari, signature. My juices. What a night. So amazing. Congratulations. That was a fun trick, wasn't it? Yeah, it's my favorite trick ever. All right, time for me to make that vibrator disappear. Whoa, wait. Who put this cum in my pants? All right. We're having fun. Oh, and a fart noise on top of it all from Red band. Oh, you made D Madness reappear, too? Absolutely incredible. He's wondering why the underside of his hat smells like lemon right now. You may follow the sound. Did you manage to challenge that other to a fight? Beat the up. Wait, he's not. Oh, well, whatever. He's. He's black. My God. Oh, my God. Amazing. Wes, there's been a lot of rumors of Canada becoming the 51st state of the United States of America. Have you heard? Have you thought about this? Dude, I've had so much I always. Every three years I have to get a new visa to work down here. It's O1 Visa. It's expensive, it's pain in the ass. So, like, it would kind of annoy me because I have a visa right now and all my friends don't. Yeah, but you know, I mean, it'd be way nicer to work down here. It's a way better spot. It's the entertainment. You know, we could be an American. So all you have to do is never wear that outfit. What? And you could be an American. You don't like this? It's unbelievable. You're fucking wrong, man. Okay? If I'm wrong, then I don't want to be right. Fantastic. Fantastic stuff. Amazing magic. That was incredible. Making some noise to the great West Barker, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. This guy's been on the show before. He had an unbelievable set. So much so that we had him back in an arena here. This is his first time in a long time. This is a brand new minute from a solid comedian. I hope it goes great tonight. This is JP Hinsdale, everybody. The long awaited return of JP Hinsdale. What's up, Austin? Yeah. I love Texas, man. You know what I love? I love guns. Yeah. Guns are a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Mostly my medical bills. The gun control laws in Texas are weird though, man. You know, you can open, carry an assault rifle and a sword. What fucking caliber of gun do I need to get to get you to fuck off back to the Renaissance Fair? I got shit to do today. It's weird. It's like the governor wants us to open carry everything, including a baby to terminate. Listen, I'm not dumb enough to think I should have an opinion on abortion. I do think it's funny that a guy in a wheelchair doesn't believe in accidents because my mom does. Okay, JP Hinsdale. Strong eye contact. Leering at you. Hello, jp, how are you? How's it going, buddy? Fantastic. Unbelievable. You look great. No, I don't. I feel like my organs are dying. Let's be honest with each other. You should talk to that stroke guy from earlier. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we have. We've exchanged numbers. That's good. What? What numbers? Your weight. Yeah. Jp, how's life going? It's. It's going okay, man. It's. It's interesting. Yeah, it's been a weird ride. Tell us about it. I don't know, man. It's. I've been. This is the first year I was openly bisexual. Oh, you're Bisexual now. What a big twist. Yeah, we talked about it. Unbelievable. That's from tie dye to try buy. I know, look at you. But you gotta try before you buy. Okay, so what. What's the analysis? I've been wondering for 40 years what that would be like. Tell us. I really. I didn't really understand, like, how that was gonna go for me, but it's mostly like, a lot of dudes come up with their girlfriend asking if they can hug me and then whispering in my ear that they'll blow me in the bathroom. And do they. Do they blow you in? Sometimes. Sometimes they just, you know, they just want to say it. I'm looking at the shit shape of everything. Is it just. Is there? Do you. Do you see? They see. They obviously see something I can't. Like physically. Right. Yeah. And no matter who's blowing you, it's just a mystery. Yeah. I mean, you literally just muffled underneath the belly fat, you know, because, I mean, where is your dick exactly? There. Because I see a bump, I know where it is. Yes. If you're willing to fund the expedition. It's in this general region. I don't think so. I think it's underneath that. It's nice and warm though, isn't it? It is nice and warm, yeah. It's important because winter is coming. Oh, yeah. No, no. Birds are gonna come steal it off. Yeah. I mean, who are you? Who's sucking that dick? You know, I live in the dark corners of the world. How would you even get into it? I'm literally curious where it is. What's that bulge down there? I don't know. Well, when you go like that, it disappears. You see that next to his left thigh? It's girdles. Is that your dick? I'm not saying it's out of lust, but definitely curiosity is what. What drives them. Were you gay before or were you into women? I was. I'm into both. But like, I just, you know, I had a rough run of it, so things are a little complicated for me in my brain, you know. You had a rough run updating. I had a rough run of everything. Really? Yeah. Yeah. How do I be Question? Carefully. Okay. Very good question, John D. Yeah, let's go back to you. Anything that moves. Oh, yeah. Let's kind of stick on this subject here. So what exactly? Like, what's actually going on here? It's. I want to know what life is like for Jabba the Slut. Definitely. Plenty of sci fi conventions. You know, I'm. I'm, you know, I'm big on that. You know, the convention. You're big on everything. Yeah, yeah. Are you fucking people? Sometimes you have the body of someone who's gonna launch children into a lake. I don't want to pay child support. I don't know what to say. Okay. Is that what you're worried about? Getting someone pregnant? Sure. Why not? You know? All right. Yeah, that's my biggest worry, Tony. That's why he's fucking guys now. Yeah, it's like. Like I got bigger fish to fry. Like gravity. All right. You look like you have been indeed frying a lot of fish. Do you regret. Go ahead. Do you regret eating Wonka's Blueberry? It is incredible. I mean, the snozzberries did taste like snozberries. So what do you. What do you do for a living? Jp, remind us what you do for. Honestly, this. What do you. What do you do for. How do you make money to survive? I don't. I don't. So how do you survive? I. I do. Okay. Remember, I had a relative that died, and I've been kind of, like, living pretty modestly on that. Okay. Yeah. How much was left? How much was your actual inheritance? Like, I don't know, man. It's not like. You definitely know. It's not a crazy amount. It's enough for me to maybe live a couple years and just focus on this. Fingers crossed. Well, yeah. What's the amount? I'm like, I'm around $45,000, something like that. Yeah. Okay. How much of that is spent on food and crops? I mean, you want to check my Uber Eats account? Like, that's. We can. We can. We can trace that, you know? What do you eat? What do you eat when you're at home? What don't you eat? What's your go to? You get like, a loaf of bread and some noodles. I know it's. It's late night. Thai food is the death of me, literally. What is it? It's like, well, this is the reason I can't eat. Feel my foot. Can you not feel your foot? Sometimes, but also, I have the fucked up legs, so it's, like, hard to gauge. Is this diabetes or just. Just nature, right? Got the old gay leg. Yeah. Okay. What do you eat at night? I mean. I mean, Thai food, usually. Thai food? Yes, Thai food. Like, any Thai food I can get, like. Well, you can't tie a belt. No, I can't. No, I can't. And Velcro doesn't work either. Thai food's kind of healthy, though. Like, how Much. Our senior health correspondent, Brian Red. Ban, everybody. Thai food, as in pad Thai, straight noodles, straight gluten. I'm glad. Late night and it's being analyzed as healthy. I'm glad the nutritionist finally chimed in. So the guy who posted about eating a moldy Wendy's burger last week is telling us that Thai food is healthy. Breaking news. Yeah. A man who's never touched broccoli. Broccoli. In half a century. Oh, you're offended about my. You've never touched broccoli. Okay, J.P. what's the most disgusting thing that you ever ate to where you're like, God damn, I'm disgusting. I had chicken fried bacon dipped in maple syrup. Yeah. How was it? Like, it was really good. And then like something went wrong in my brain where I felt like it's when I knew I went too far. No, it was a blood clot. Yeah, it kind of made like something went off. I kind of like tripped for a minute. Like, it was not good. I was like, I shouldn't have done this. Wow. Yeah, it's too much of a good thing. It's like Texas. It just. It all cancels. It's too much and then it cancels itself out and then you die. And then. Yeah, okay. It's like when you take a bunch of different kinds of drugs and let them find them out for your affection, you know? Yeah. But instead it's pad Thai and egg rolls. Exactly. Oh, no. I mean, I'm a big fat guy, but get it together. You can't be chicken frying bacon. Do you want to be my life coach? No. Do you have siblings, JP? Is there like a 600 pound sister? No. No. How much do you weigh? 378. I don't buy that for a second. Let's get the scale, everybody. This is a special segment on the show. What did you say? 378. What do you think, Tony? What did he say? Hey. Oh, no. Hold on. Timeout, everybody. What did he say? 3, 3, 7, 8. Hey. And that was the last time I had a scale that wasn't broken. So I'm just. That was 7 8. That's what I've been sticking with. So I don't put a gun in my mouth. Well, we got you. We also have a gun here, everybody. What are you. Very exciting. What's your number, Tony? I'm guessing 412. 412 is actually what my initial guess was going to be. Hey, we're going prices, right? I'm gonna. Should I go shoes on or shoes off? That's the fat guy move I was gonna ask you. That's really gonna go over the top. Yeah. Take away the 0.7. Hey, we should. We should weigh the shoes first and then. I'll get them. I'll put them back on. I'm gonna go 3, 9, 0 here. Okay. I'll read it to you. When you step on 420 for Ari, that's a safe bet. I'll take the under. I'll take 377. 377. A very optimistic pick that is, by the great Sam Talon. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here live in front of everyone, the scale is being activated by the great Ari Shafir. Yoni has brought an iPhone close to the stage. Ari at 196. This is one of those moments we will Never forget as J.P. hinsdale. Oh, scale. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Take your shits off. Scale is freaking out, ladies and gentlemen. 437 pounds. Oh, my God. Wow. Some things. This explains a few things. Jp, please. Just a couple of things. It explains. Beg of you to wait, like, at least a couple months before killing yourself. Don't do it. Like, the night that this episode comes out. I mean, I'm so far along. Let's just let nature take its course. Just take note. Everybody under bid, including ari's extremely bold 420. You are about. It was. It was flaring on every inhale and exhale. It was going up between about 435 and 442, but I probably lost 10 just coming up here, so. Well, it was going up and out. I'll take the win. You know, at some point, the scale said. What the man? Yeah, it said humans only. Oh, my God. You should have taken your hat and glasses. I know, man. Yeah. Have you ever waited nude? Yes. Yeah, that's. I've done that. It makes me sad for other reasons. Yeah. Yeah. Because all the young doctors come in to laugh. Yeah. Yeah, it's. Man, dude, you're 70 pounds heavier than you thought you were. Yes. Yeah. That is a big deal. That's one. Tony. It's been a little bit rough, too. It's true. It's been a little bit rough on the therapy and it's. You know, it happens. It's been rough on the bones and joints, too. Yeah. Okay, so I'm not a doctor. My wife is. I'm just going to tell you, you should avoid wicker furniture. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, it. It should avoid me. If it was sentient. It would. Yeah. Then that's that fucking problem. You know, no patio parties for you. No hammocks. No hammocks for sure. No, no, no. Is there something that. Is there some type of physical activity that you think you could get into? Breathing heavy if someone, like, helped you or something? If you had some kind of support? Is there something perhaps, you know, Michael Gonzalez works out every day at Onit Gym. How would you like to have a little buddy? Michael, will you want to take a buddy to on it with you? Would you like to take me an anchor to your progress? How does that sound? You want to take. I'm working out. Yeah, let's do. There you go. You're working out with Michael Gonzalez. Here's the big joke book. You know, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday too. A lot of stuff. Someone wants to eat some Thai food with you. I. I think he was saying Thai people. By the way, it's a lot of stuff of both, ladies and boys. He's got charisma, this guy though. He's pretty fun. Yeah, a lot of charisma. It's called Crisco. But we love you, jp. You're the man. You're very, very likable. Love you too, man. Thank you. J.P. hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. All right, see you. On to the next one we go. Hey, guys, what you're listening to currently, this is a commercial promoting the Pete and Sebastian Show. This podcast chronicles the life of Pete Corelli, comedian, writer, actor, and myself, Sebastian Maniscalco. What are your credentials? Fucking dinero movies. My credentials are this cast. It's a show like no other. Yes, we do have amazing banter together, but you know, we just implemented right now, we implemented guests such as, yeah, we had freaking Jay Leno, Bill Burr, the great Andy Garcia, Jake Johnson. I mean, come on, the list goes on. Let's continue going on and on. This is cutting edge comedy coming direct to you in your headphones. We will see you there. Thanks for listening to the Pete and Sebastian Show. We're gonna go with somebody a lot more fit. One of the regulars of the show, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute phenom. Not easy to write and perform a brand new minute every single week and in front of millions of people. But somehow this young buck does it week after week after week. I present to you one of the true top young rising comedians in the world. The one and only, the great and powerful. This is Cam Patterson. Yeah, yeah, man. Smile. Be please. God damn bitch look evil in the front row. That's evil as fuck. I just changed My profession. I am now a magician. Somebody give me a purse. Somebody please give me a purse. I'm magic now, nigga. I do magic. Shit. That was easy as fuck. I do magic. Give me a purse. That was easy as fuck. That guy was fast. Mad as hell. Back to this minute. That's not gonna work. Here we go. You know, I went to the Black history museum in D.C. what's so fucking funny? That's not funny. I went there and I saw a lot of history and it was dope. I liked it a lot. My favorite part about the whole museum was I met this thick ass white bitch and she was crying at the Emmett Till exhibit. So I whistled at her because times have changed. If you so sad for the nigga bitch, make it up to me. That's my time. Jesus Christ. Fuck yes. Cam Patterson. It was amazing. I didn't realize until you acknowledged it how many women offered up their purse to a white Canadian guy wearing nothing but denim so fast. Every woman was like, I have a purse. Huh? Take mine. Huh? Every. All of the same women put theirs under their chair when you came out. I never had a purse. Please, please go back behind that curtain. It's good, man. Very fun. Did you really go to the Black History Museum? Hell yeah. What's that like? It was dope, man. My little. My little. My little cousin. What? That I fucking hate you, Red man. That's some bullshit. Now you know what's bad about it? It was really bad. They had. So the whole thing was dope. It was cool as shit to see all of it. But the worst part is that after my whole family was there. Cause my mom's birthday was this weekend. And my grandma came, my little cousin came and Were you guys part of the exhibit or were you just going there to check things out? My grandma was, but my grandma was like, I knew that bitch cause she old. But nah, it was. It was dope. The worst part about it though, the worst part is that there's like a cafeteria there and all they sold was fried chicken and collard greens. And I thought that was some bullshit. I did not like that at all. But the rest of it was pretty cool, man. So is it mostly black people going there? Like, man, I can't believe they did this to us. No, it was white people. It's white people going there. I'm glad I'm white. It was white as white. A lot of white people in there. That's why I told you. A thick ass white in there. She was thick as hell, bro. Now did They. I was so excited to see stuff is like a normal building. Is it like fire sprinklers or do they just have big hoses and stuff? Like, what exactly is Black History Museum? Jokes, ladies and gentlemen. A rare treat on this show, though. Nigga, that's hilarious. Thank you. That's funny as fuck. Thank. Thank you. Deep Madness is looking down. I can't get a read on if he. Who put it again with these hats? No. What do you mean? That's a beautiful hat. That's a Gucci. Gucci hat he's wearing. He don't know what he got on. That's what I'm upset about. He don't know what is it? Hey, never touch a blind person without. Nigga, I ain't touch your hat. It was him. No, that was John Dees. That was John D's. That was the other one. I'm on the way over here. I swear to God it was the other one. It's like we're at the museum. Oh, oh, wait. They were John D's, man. Wait, no, it was John D's. Wait, even D Madness. What are you gonna say? Even D Madness. Can't tell them apart. It's true. All their hands smell the same. A cocoa butter scented hand was the cocoa butter and black and white. I'm colorblind too. D. Yeah, we're all just human beings. Yeah, but how many? How much? You have visual, right? Yeah, I have visual. Yes, sir. All right. Yeah, that's the funniest way to say. Do you see? Yeah. Do you have visual, though? Yeah. Okay, then you have visual. He just sight checked me. He's gonna pull my card. Can you see okay, then I'm gonna just be quiet. He's. He's colored blonde. This party is out of control. It's like. It's like when the exhibits come alive at the museum. Yeah, that's what happened. We so much talking about the Black History Museum, all of a sudden we got two black people bullying a black bass player. It's called progress. It is progress, man. We making progress. Life is good. I love it. I love it. Okay. D. Madness. Jesus. Now he's talking about how good his memory is. I might not be able to see a thing, but I never forget a. Like what? It's got, like, all these blind catchphrases. God bless D Madness. And God bless the United. United States of America. So, Cam, the road's been good. DC was fun. Hell yeah. Black History Museum. There's a lot there. Yeah, it was dope. My little cousin let's take out of school so she can come see it. Because my grandma and. And she didn't give a. About none of them. She's six. Like, I was trying. I was like, look, that's Harriet Tubman. She like Harriet Butman. And it walked away. Yeah, she don't give a. About none of that shit, but she had a good. The funniest shit. You know, I be doing vlogs and shit on the road, and my auntie is like. It's like my. She a thug. That's like my best friend. And she called me, and she was like, you see, that's her daughter. She was like, you see my daughter? And I want to tell you something. Put that bitch on camera. She a star. Usually when people call about their kids, they go, don't put my kid on camera. Matt was like, put that bitch on camera. She'll star. Hell, yeah. And we didn't. I'm the only star in this family, nigga. Damn right. Damn right. And it continues. The great and powerful Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Make some goddamn noise for Cam Patterson. All right, back to the bucket we go. This is another new name makes the noise for Peter Grant, everybody. Friday, we're gonna meet them all together now. Peter Grant, usa. Egg on it. You guys can probably tell by my accent that I'm an alcoholic, so. Yeah. Yeah. Cheers. Have one for me. Yeah. Yeah. Good to see you. I. As rough as I seem, I get it. My day job, I work with people with special needs. Thank you. One person. Yeah, I work in construction. Yeah. So everyone that I work with has special needs. Yeah. Do any blue collar boys in here? Not enough. Yeah, dude, I'm a carpenter. I hear you guys need a wall built. Not by an immigrant. Hell, yeah. I only have myself to blame for getting into construction as well, because I took career advice from a man named Benny Benassi. A couple familiarities. Yeah. If you don't know the song, the music video came out when I was 12 years old, and it was just a bunch of hot chicks doing construction work in slow motion. I was 12. It's like, all right, Captain, sign me up. Right? It was just. And then just touch me. Yeah. Now I just get called queer for a living. Yeah. I'm Peter Grant. Thank you, guys. All right, Peter Grant. Welcome. Welcome. Hey, Tony Inchcliffe. How are you? Hello. How are you? Peter Grant. How long you been on stand up? Just over six years now. Where at? Mostly up in Vancouver, Canada. Okay. Yeah. And the accent originates states from Australia. Which part? Melbourne. Outside Melbourne. In the country. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a little, little small town boy. Hey, Sam. Town. How you going? Good. And you really work construction? I do. I'm a carpenter. Okay. Yeah. Carpenter. All right, Carpenter. Sorry, man. No, it's good, it's good. Look, you don't have to do it. You could sound like a great human. I used to have long hair. You used to have long hair? Yeah. Jesus was my inspiration for a while. Okay. And then I found out that was. Right. Texas. What does that mean to you exactly? I grew up Catholic and then started smoking weed. And I like conspiracies. More than God, I think. You don't. You now you believe in conspiracies and you don't believe in God? Yeah. What do you think created the universe? The Anunnaki. Wow. Okay. Sorry. I'm one of those. It's got a point. It's okay. That venue was built on that. Yes. Some sense. You're part of that bloodline, right? The Anunnaki. Yeah. Yeah. We came a long time before things were recorded. All right, Peter, so now you live in Vancouver or what? I just got married this year to a American woman, so I'm legally down here. Married. Spousal visa. Where does she live? She's from West Virginia, but she lives with me now. Tony, where at? Austin, Texas. For now. Okay. For now. Are you planning on moving somewhere? Yes. We've got a house up in Canada that needs to get off our mortgage and then we're down here. So you're gonna move back up to Canada and then to sell the house and then back down to Austin? Yeah. Okay. What does she do for work? She's a retired chef. She's a chef. I can't imagine so many fights. The Thai food must be. I know a 470 pound man that would love to be married to a retarded show. Yes. Jp. What gave it away? The fact I walk downstairs? Yeah. Is he still walking down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do the stairs still exist? Him and the stroke guy are in a race right now. Yeah. It has been a true freak show here today. What's the freakiest thing about you, Peter Grant? I love cigarettes. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's such an Australian answer. I like the romanticization of it, though. Uh huh. What does that mean? Thank you, Red band. Just look at. What do you. What do you mean exactly? Just look at Brian right now. I don't need to look at Brian. I've worked with him for over a decade. Why don't you describe using your artistic capabilities exactly what you mean. I only have two heroes in life. One is Melania Trump and I've already accomplished that. And my second guy is. I want to. I'm married. What do you mean you've already accomplished that? I'm married to get into the country. Oh, Jesus. What? It's not morning. My wife's American. It's. Sorry. So romantic. You were doing really well for a minute. No, we're deeply in love. Like I love my wife. That's not a question. I wasn't asking that. Yeah, no. I feel like I have to retort what I said before. Sure, sure. Okay. The most interesting thing about your entire life, Peter, because you seem kind of like. You have like construction guy vibes that just like aren't really. It's not really hilarious to me. You seem like a normal guy that's like trying it out. Kinda. Or maybe you're nervous or something. A little bit nervous. I'd say for sure, Tony. Absolutely. So give us something crazy. Tell us something nuts. You ever save? Almost die or save? Yeah, I. I was the first responder on a guy that jumped off a bridge a couple years ago. Did he land on jp? He wouldn't be the first responder. That he'd be fine. Yeah. No. Yeah. I held a man while he was dying and. Yeah. What did you say to him? You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be just fine. I. I know you could tell by my accent that. Don't mind the didgeridoo. I just have a little Australian gas. As you can tell by my accent, I'm an alcoholic. Looks like you need some special needs so that I cannot take her up. What did you say to him? I'm sorry, mate, this is not. It's not looking so good. You jumped off a folding bridge. Crikey. He already had the hospital tag on, so. He already still had hospital. Oh, wow. Ready to go? Yeah. Escaped out of a mental institution? I believe so. And then jumped off the bridge. And then I was just telling him to keep breathing because I didn't know what else. Good work, bro. That's excellent work. Can someone say that to me now? All right. This country's lucky to have you. Thank you, Sam Town. I appreciate it. Your wife is a. For a living is a retired chef. Yeah. She picks and chooses her job. She doesn't really work full on anymore. She does expedition chef all around the world. So she gets to pick and choose where she goes. Now retired has a different meaning in this country. She's a part time chef. Part time There you go. She's a chef who's on smoko. That's good for me. I get it. I get it. Yes. I like it. What do you miss most about Australia? I was just back there and Texas has a lot of it, but it's just easy. It feels like here. There's a lot of stuff going on in the cities. I know that sounds like a retarded state back there, but it's just everything's calm. And I miss the calm. It's a lot more here. I'm from a small country town. I'm not used to the cities, so. Been living in Vancouver. It's not much of a city compared. What do you hate most about Australia? O, the people. What do you miss most about Canada? Not much. Just. What do you hate the most about Canada? Oh, Trudeau, probably. Okay. I've lived there and watched him. What do you love most about America? I love your amendments. I think that it's good to have a structure in play. Well, how'd that win? You got. I like that. You have finally got the crowd on your side right away. Right. The wave. You still have a chance. Final question. What do you hate most about America? How hard it was to get in. But I guess that's a good thing. I think we need stronger. Stronger. What's the word? Borders. Yes. Thank you. Red band. Red band. Helping me for a change. Look at this. It's happening here. Little joke book. There he goes. Thank you. All right. Peter Grant. Peter Grant. It's a normal guy. All right. We having fun out there still? All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It's Lino Rodrigo. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez. He's been on this show before. Here we go. All right, guys. Lately I've been trying to be a good boy because I've been a nasty boy. I've been a nasty boy. I'm trying to be sober. I'm trying to smoke cigarettes, drink coffee and the occasional cocaine and prostitute. I call it New York Sober. New York Sober. Yeah. No, I'm just joshing, guys. I fucking hate coffee. You know, cigarettes are cool. I'd rather be bored. I'd rather die early than be bored for seven minutes. You know, everyone thinks they look cool when they smoke a cigarette. I think you have to look cool before the cigarette ever enters the equation. Yeah, some people look like James Bond 007. But when I smoke a cigarette, I look like I belong outside of a Waffle House. They Call me Double eggs over easy. I don't know, guys. Lately I've been listening to house music in my studio apartment because I'm optimistic, you know? That's the same reason why I listen to Yacht Rock on my canoe. Anybody else? There you go. Jesus Christ. I thought it was never gonna end. Lino Rodriguez, seems like you had a lot of fun up there. You got some laughs proving that this audience isn't perfect. You know what I mean? Some people are just laughing at the space in which it seemed like there should have been laughter, but no real reason for laughter at all at almost any point throughout the entire thing. Is that how it's been going? Ari Shapiro. What'd you think about that? Yeah, you have like a Mitch Hedberg delivery, but, like a fat Mark Norman face. Yeah, I thought his delivery was like Mitch Hedberg. Now. I like Mitch Hedberg just on the inside, you know, Just. Yeah, Mitch Bretberg. You fat guy. So, yeah, you fat. How much do you think you weigh, Liz? Leno. I'm like 170. 180. How much do you actually think you. Like? 200. Get that scale out here, even. Don't step on it yet. Don't step on it. Wait, wait. Don't step on it. All right, let's sit. No, don't step on it. Leno, take direction. Leno. I'm listening. I'm listening, sir. Nino. All right. Right. What did you. What do you really think you weigh, Leno? He started sweating, by the way, out of nowhere. Not during his sweat, was there. Not during his set. All right. If I'm be honest, look over here, because you seem to be getting lost in the lights. You have, like, an inordinate amount of confidence. I don't know where it comes from. You're just like a rock star that. With no instrument or talent in the world. Focus. Yes, sir. What do you truly think that you weigh? Probably like 260. Okay, there you go. That's a real guess. I was gonna guess 260. I think we all about agree. Go ahead, step on the scale. You said 170. I love how Sam's putting the mic up to the. What do we got there, Sam? 265. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. 170, bro. You had so much fucking confidence when you said that. I've been eating my vegetables. I don't know. I'm sorry. You know, you haven't. I thought I looked good. I thought I looked all right. You didn't think that that would happen? Not at all. What a nightmare. I know. You know what will curb your appetite, Lino, is some zipix nicotine toothpicks. Have you gotten a small joke book before? I have gotten that before, yes. Well, there you go. Fill it up. Lino Rodriguez, everybody. There he goes. There goes Lino. Yeah, you're done. We're gonna fly through some bucket pools here as they get. Oh, my goodness. Worse and worse. Oh, the horn players love a fellow Rodriguez. Your next bucketful. 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Goes by the name of Eric Gallagos, everybody. Eric Galagos or Gallegos. Here he is, you guys. I recently matched with a girl on Tinder, and her bio said, fun and down to earth. Yeah, I wish I knew that was code for living in a tent. Dude, I was walking down 6th street earlier, and I saw someone with a shirt that said end Alzheimer's. It's like, with what? A shotgun? Dude. Y'all ever notice how potholes and crackheads are really similar? Yeah, you know, it's like they both spend all their time in the street. All. All they do is annoy people. And when you run one over, you're like, ugh, I blame the city. Anyway, the election's finally over, right? You know, some are really excited, some are really sad. I mean, I'm worried because pretty sure I'm getting kicked out of women's basketball next year. Hell, yeah. That's my time, guys. Thank you. A solid set. That was good. That's how it's done. He had the same confidence that tricked a lot of you into laughing, but he had actual jokes on this one. Some smart, witty things. Oh, yeah. Good work, man. Thanks. I like the homeless pothole thing. That was good. That was pretty good. Yeah. Hell yeah. Thanks, dude. How long you been doing stand up? I'm about to hit two years in January. And you've been on this show before? Yeah, I got. I was on in June. Right. And how did that go? It went okay. Not as bad as this, though. No, not at all. You've been working hard. You've gotten a lot better. Dude, I'm. I'm trying, man. Austin's awesome. The opportunity is here, so I'm. Do you think it helps to follow a complete zero? Yeah. You? Maybe a little bit. Yeah. It's a lot easier to go up after a human nothing, right? Yeah. We're like, lean. No. Yeah. Oh, it was Leno. Oh, yeah, that was Leno, not Lean. Okay, so, Eric, God bless. Tell us about what it's like being a young comic here in Austin. That's working and progressing. So you've been doing it for two years. You're just trying to stay happy? Yeah. Good luck. Tell us about that. What's that process like for you? I just, I, I. Sorry to interrupt. I just try to take it really seriously. Try to just every free moment. I don't work as much as I used to. Like, I don't. I work part time so I can put more. What's that job? I fix cell phones. Oh, okay. You look like a falconer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have a gauntlet on. Put your arm out, let's see what happens. Yeah, yeah. Put your. There you go. Red band has no comedic timing whatsoever. Great. Red band. Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a bunch of train birds. Deep madness approach to the sound effect board over here, look. Yeah, the old no look. Red bands. The bird landed before you put your arm out. That's how great of a falconer you are. It's incredible. Have you made any friends out here? Are there other warlocks in town? Yeah, couple. Yeah. A couple guys under bridges. Couple trolls. If we had to guess which of these comedians was the up close magician, it would have for sure been you. Yeah, no doubt about it. No doubt about it. Do you know any magic tricks? I know how to make a girl disappear. Not bad. That's frightening. Very crazy answer there. But it's a comedy show, so we'll just let it ride. You look like you kill women is what he's saying. Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty good at it. If you're lucky, all you do is kill them. Rape. So, Eric, what is your love life like? Do you go on dates? I've been on a couple dates here in Austin. Nothing. I never go on a second date. Which is what? Let him put them in your trunk. The best state you've had in Austin. How did that go for you? I took a girl to see Casey Rocket. Okay. All right. That's pretty good. She said she'd never seen a comedy show. I wanted to take her. Okay. How did that night end for you? Did she just avoid your advances? But we'll sideways. Yeah, it was a show, right? It wasn't through a telescope. No, it was an actual show. Okay. No, it went. It went pretty well. She was pretty cool. I introduced her to some friends. It was cool, though. She was very interested in my black friends. She suddenly she got very black all of a sudden. Wow. Oh, I love your set. I was like, where did this come from? Wow. What do they call that? A code change? What Is that that code switch? Code switch? That one, they used to just call it a switch. Okay, so she went and a black guy that day. Let's go to your worst date in Austin, Texas. How's that? Gone. She just did it start by her a black guy. I'll be right out. I drove like there's like a town 30 minutes south of Austin. Sugar, you gotta be cool about this. Oh, don't you dare be nothing in my. Before I go on this date. Hey, get that ass falcon out of here. Hey, who. Whose ass falcon in this grab? Make a stew. He. He ain't even got his arm up. Where's that? It's gonna. He's gonna steal my damn wig. All right, well, that laugh and stare at you was pretty evil. It was like haha. Go. Keep it up, fat man. I'll be wearing you soon. It's enough meat to feed my falcon for a year. Oh yeah. What do you think you weigh? Don't overestimate by. You know, I think I've weighed the same weight for like the last like 15 years. Wow. I think I weigh like 155. 60. Yeah, that makes sense. I would bet on that. And we. There's no need to check. I don't have very much meat on my bones. Eric, what's your weirdest hobby? You seem like a guy that has some weird hobbies. Something wacky. Not crying. That's my weirdest hobby. Do you cry? I cry a lot. How often? If a movie's good, I'll just start crying. I don't know why. It's. I just. I lean into it. How often are we talking about? Once a day. Once a week? Three times a week? Thrice. Yes, three times a week. Let's say that. Wow. Full. Full balling shakes? No, just tears. Only if it's Star Wars. Tears that roll down your eyes? Yeah, like a lot of tears. Like an Indian who sees one person only when the door is closed. I cry at movies too. Schindler's List makes me cry. It does. I hate the ending. Fuck you, man. That's fucking bullshit. What the fuck? All right, Eric. Well, you have a big joke book already? A little joke book, sir. I got a big one. Okay. Well, there he goes. Eric Gallegos. All right. Another bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Judah Z. Judah Z. What's going on, Austin? Doing good? I'm feeling pretty good. I'm having my birthday come up soon. I'm turning 41. People tell me I look great. For 41. But that's not fair because people look like shit. Again, in my middle age is not all that bad. You know, like all middle aged men, I always know the seven day AccuWeather forecast. That's right. I always know the weather. But that's because I'm Jewish. And it's easy to know it when you control it. Right. I'm actually in interfaith marriage. I'm Jewish. My wife's anti Semitic. Can't blame. It's how we raised the kids. You know, growing up Jewish, I actually always thought I was gonna marry a Jewish girl. But then I decided to marry an attractive one instead. My sister hates that joke. Yeah, her and her ugly kids. People think. Cause that's it. All right, thank you guys. I'm Judah. Z. Okay, abrupt ending there. Normally a true Jew would make the most of their time. I thought I cut it a little short. Give you. That was a Jewish minute, 56 seconds. Yeah, wait till you get paid then. Then go the whole time. So Judah, Judah, Judah, Judah. I saw the name and I'm like, oh, I didn't put my last name because it's even more Jewish. What is it? I knew it was short Jewenstein. No. What's. No, that's not very good. It's less Jewish. Why not? H, it says Zev is my middle name. Okay. Even more Jewish. Wow. Judah Zeb Hirsch. Yeah. Jesus Christ. You're really making it easy on the comment section right now. Yeah, spamming it away. Yeah. Right, because you guys can have spam, right? It's not real pork. I'm a good Jew, so I eat bacon every day, but only great value bacon. Okay, what do you think is the most Jewish thing about you? I'm offensively Jewish. What does that mean? Yeah, I'm okay at business and, you know, my name is Judah. That's pretty Jewish about me. That's it. Yeah. This guy of it. Nothing else. I'm circumcised. Would you like to see what happens when I ask Ari Shafir the same question? I mean, he's King Jew though. No, that's Jesus Christ, Ari. Yeah, what's. What's the question? What's some Jewish stuff about you? You Jewish at all? Barely. I paid $13 in taxes last year. Not happy about that. That's a waste of 13. Still kind of bothers me. I guess that'd be the most Jewish thing about it. It still bothers me, the $13 I paid in combined federal and state taxes last year. Yes, I was stupid. I'm Upset you brought that up because I kind of buried that. He's more Jewish than me. Yeah, that is. Yeah, you beat me. That's why he's the king Jew. Yeah. I wonder which one of you would last longest in a gas chamber. That's what makes it sort of. I smoke a lot. He's already holding his breath. Here we go. Oh, I got Ari all the way on this one. Judah's shorter. The gas won't get him. All right, Judah, what do you do for a living? I don't do too much now, but I used to. Boo, bro. Yeah, I don't. What are these answers? So why don't you just answer the fucking question? I don't do too much. You're going to be interested to know when I come around to answering the question that you ask, what the fuck do you do? I don't work now. But what did you do? I used to work for a James Bond villain. Okay. What did you do for a James Bond? I was like a henchman. Okay, what does that mean? You know, like if you're a James Bond villain, you're like, hey, I need someone to buy me, like a nuclear sub. You got to ask somebody to go do it. Do that or like, sell missiles if he's riffing, man. No, no, this is a true. Yeah, this is what I used to do. What do you mean? What exactly did you used to do? You used to work for a guy who is now in jail. He was like a real life James Bond villain. Yeah. And I was like his, like, right hand henchman. Okay, well, he's in jail, so let's talk about it. You don't have to be so vague. Yeah, you already told the judge. Tell us. Yeah, I. I. Thankfully I was away, but yeah, don't worry. He's been convicted, but. Yeah, is it. Is he in jail or a floating glass box? They got. They got him in federal penitentiary here. Yeah, so he was like. He was like an international criminal. Yeah, there's like a few books about him, like a documentary or two. His name's Paul leroux. Okay, Paul LaRue. Yeah, you could google him. Yeah, you'll see him. And what exactly did you do for him instead of such broad? I was his henchman. I. So he. He set up a very large criminal empire in the Philippines and I was living. Oh, no, I know. That's what I know. That means no prostitutes. No, they. Online drugs. Yeah, they weren't prostitutes because they can't consent. They can't speak. They could be consenting. They don't speak English. Yeah, but 14 is still too young. All right, it's legal there. That doesn't make it okay. How do you spell that? LaRue. L, E, R, O, U, X. Oh, Frenchie. Oh, yeah. Look at him. Used. Did you, like, hang out with him? Yeah, I had to meet him every day at, like, 5pm at his house. Oh, he's a full crazy guy. Yeah. Wow. How long did you do that for? Like, two years in my early 20s. What's the crazy. What's the craziest thing he made you do? I mean, me, I, like. I had to go to Papua New guinea and, like, bribe some forest ministers and stuff like that, but he was into crazy stuff. He was, like, selling missiles to the Iranians and. No. Really? Yeah. His Wikipedia is hearty. More like a Wikipedia. Nice. Yeah, it was a good time, though, you know, I was in my early 20s. We had a good. We had a good time, you know? Did he pay you well? Yeah, I got paid pretty well. How. What's pretty well? What's the hourly wage for a henchman? Yeah, you don't. You don't really work by the hour. You work. You work on, like, success of a project, you know, so you'd be like. Okay, so how much money did you make when he sold missiles to Iran? I was in it. I didn't do that. Sure. Okay. Like I said, I'm Jewish. I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. But, yeah, you would think, as a Jew, you would want to sell them to Iran. He's not a Jewish. He's. He's South African. A Rhodesian. Yeah, he's a kind of crazy Rhodesian. That's the worst one. Yeah, he's, like, there when it's from. Yeah, before they turned it into Zimbabwe. Yeah, he was kind of crazy. So why your last name is Z now? Because of all the genocide you committed. Alleged genocide. Okay, you sound like this guy disputed out, like, five gazins. Yeah, come on. Who isn't committing genocide there? They just keep showing it from different angles. Look at the. Look at the shadows. Where's the teeth, you know? Did you work with him until, what, 2019? 2020. No, I stopped around 2011, and then he got arrested in, like, 2012, and then he just got. Because you ratted on two years ago. No, no, I. I'm not. I'm not a Jew rat. Don't. Don't point those Jew rat fingers at me. No, I didn't rat on him. You guys call each other Jew Rats. Yeah. Isn't that a double entendre? It's redundant. Yeah. Can just say rat. Yeah, yeah. Or Jew. Yeah, they both work. A jurat is like saying an Italian dago. All right, Are you scared that you just admitted this to millions of people? No, I, I, I wrote a TV show about it. I'm trying to. What was it called, Wayne? It's called Henchmen. Oh, Henchmen. Yeah. It's a comedy. True crime comedy. Oh, you wrote a comedy for a change. Okay, Tony, come on. We're at the anti Semitic jokes landed. We're having fun here. Okay, so you really married? Do you really have an anti Semitic wife? Yeah, my wife doesn't like Jews too much. I can't blame her. I mean, is she Palestinian? No, she's. She's Swiss. She's Swiss. Swiss, yeah. Supposed to be neutral. Yeah. No, no, definitely not neutral. This one. Yeah. Definitely does not like Jews. Can't blame her. Why do you keep saying you can't blame her? Ari, Ari, Ari. When you meet an anti Semite, can you blame them? Or you're like, like, I get it. Remember that joke. I understand. Okay, I'm going to give you a little joke book. There you go, buddy. There he goes. Mazel tov, Judah Z. All right, last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night. Corinne. Aliyah, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Corinne. Sparkling water. That's basically just trans water. Thank you. It's not real. Thank you. Michael Gonzalez has a nickname at our gym. Yeah. They call him Big Mike. It's really crazy because I never knew he had the same nickname as Michelle Obama. Thank you. Thank you. People are getting upset that they're putting the Ten Commandments up in all the classrooms in Louisiana. I'm not sure why. Those kids can't even read. Thank you. Okay. Okay. My boyfriend has been training Jiu Jitsu lately, and that makes me really happy and excited that he's been training to protect me from all the other homosexuals. Thank you. That's it, Corinne. Aaliyah. All right. You've been on this show before. Yeah. Welcome back. You have a new thing where you say thank you all the time after, like, every joke. Is that working for you in open mics or something like that? Yeah, it is. Yeah. How do you think that would play in, like, an hour long set if people paid to see you saying thank you 158 times? I like it. They would like it. I like it. I think it works. You like it? Yeah. You think it works? I can't wait to see which direction this goes. Thank you. You're welcome. You are. You're very welcome. It is. It is. It plays. Well, in a minute, what time do you have to be back in the home? Well, what's that mean? Thank you. It works. It works. What ethnicity are you again? Kjastani. That's right. Yep. Explain to Ari Shafir what that is. Yeah, let him know if he. What is it, Dagestani? No. So I'm Cav. Cajun. My mom is from Louisiana and I'm dad is Pakistani. Kejistani. Yeah. Yeah. I got nothing, fellas. That means you can't read and you're not allowed to. Yep. Yeah. Hey, Ari. Thank you. Amazing. Is it true that you go to the same gym as Michael Gonzalez? Yeah. This was a big, big reveal. Did they really call him Big Mike? I think, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I saw his name. He signed up for something. I was like, who the hell is this? And it was like, michael Gonzalez, like, oh, wow. You. You signed up for something as Big Mike. Oh. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe you're signing up for things as Big Mike. This is amazing. Is the gym just for petite brown people? No, I said petite. Oh, my goodness. Thank you. I didn't. I didn't actually know that. I thought it was you. Oh, it's for sure you. Yeah. I didn't know that. Big Mike Gonzalez has a new nickname on this show. Everybody, Big Mike has joined the friend. Welcome. Thank you. I appreciate that. Okay, you sign up as Big Mike. So what's been going on with you since the last time you were on the show? Corinne, Aaliyah? A lot of things. Okay, Michael, stop talking to the rest of the band. You can talk to them after the show. He's literally in the in ear microphone for the rest of the band going. She literally made this up, guys. Yeah. I did not sign up as Big mic. Dude, we're 15 minutes away. You can rationalize you calling yourself Big Mike after this. Yeah. As soon as I started the joke, he was like, oh, God. And I was like, yeah. I told him I was gonna say it before I got on. Yeah. She's like, you'll thank me later. Yep. Yep. All right. So not that much. Just training, just working out, doing Muay Thai. I still do that a lot. Three times a week. Ah. There was a guy up here who was eating more Thai earlier. Yes. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. I love Thai food too. Yeah, we are the same. And you really have a boyfriend that you work out with? Yes. And you guys all work out at the same gym as Big Mike over here? Yes. Who's stronger, your boyfriend or Big Mike? Tell the truth now. Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Tell the truth now. Big Mike says. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Oh, he loves it. He loves this new nickname. Oh, my God. I think we know the answer. I think we know the answer. Oh, wow. He wants to take off his shirt so badly. Ladies and gentlemen, he's going to reveal why they call him Big Mike. You want to take it off? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. Damn helium. Why do you encourage him? 85 pounds of shredded beef. Absolutely crazy, baby. Wow. Hey, Big Mike. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Wow. That is one of the most ripped quesadillas I've ever seen in my entire life. You see his cum gutters? Those are pretty nice. Yeah. There you go. That's a crunch wrap right there. Hell, yeah. Absolutely unbelievable. What's your boyfriend do for fun? He's around. He's around? Yeah. Like around? Like he's a big fat guy. What do you mean he's around here? He's always around here. Yeah. Are you avoiding a gunshot? Yeah. No. No. Okay. He's Jesus. Jesus. He's Jesus. Oh, it's Josh. Is that. Is that true? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Now who's. Wow. Josh, the guy that helps Deep Madness. Good job, Josh. Wow. That's incredible. I can't believe I would. I would not have guessed that about. I thought he was innocent. Little Josh. Where'd he go? He went into hiding. Where'd he go? He walked off. It's very shy. He can't believe that this has come up. Josh, do you want to pop your head out here? Wow. Yeah, he does. Oh, there he is. Whoa. Oh, my God. Wow. Whoa. Oh, my God. He almost fell over. The guy in charge that. Making sure D Madness is safe at all times. Just almost fell over that hat on D Madness. I did. Oh. Oh, okay. You Pakistani. I love it when D gets a little mad. He gets defensive sometimes he's. And. And this guy drinks all evening long from the time the sound checks his norm. That's different. A lot of people don't know that. Deep Madness, as well as being a great musician and famously homophobic, loves having a few cocktails at night. And towards the end of the show, he could get a little wild. Hell, yeah. That was your boyfriend? Yeah. Have you always been attracted to much older men? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okie dokie? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I got. I got a big one and a little one. There you go. There she goes. Corinne, Alia, everybody. On to the next one we go. Your final comedian of the night, you gotta ask yourself, a show that starts. Starts with William Montgomery. Well, how can you possibly end it? Well, there's only one way to end a show that starts with William Montgomery, and that is with the future American citizen. Yes, indeed it is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. I love America. Life is so good in America that you guys create your own problems. That's how Cancel Culture started. Bitches with blue hair with nothing to do. Can you believe what Tony Henscrith said? Kill yourself, you miserable bitch. Life is good. Even me a couple of nights ago, I'm at home, it's 3am I'm fucking. By the way, this is how men look like when we jack off. It's fucking. It's fucking dark, dude. Don't ever walk in on your man masturbating. It's fucking like. I don't know how women do it, but I imagine it's a bit, you know, like, it's a bit more feng shui, you know, Maybe there's a candle or something. Atmosphere. Dudes are just fucking on the shitter. Pants by our ankles. Fucking. Must get the poison out. I have to make rational decisions. Holy. I almost bought a BMW and there I was, 3am I was doing my thing. And only in America can you do this. All of a sudden, I feel my tummy want a little bit of yummy. You get that? Uber eats. What? 3am There could be a hurricane outside. My Pablo is coming, dude. On a bicycle with my burger. I pay five extra bucks, Pablo will parachute in. Fucking 325. I had a belly full of burger. Belly button full of gum. What a country. Absolutely ridiculously amazing. 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Thank you. With five times as many punch lines as anyone else, the whole show combined was. That is incredible. Thank you. Absolutely amazing. My big fat ticket to America. I love him. Double. Double Aries happening at this moment. Double ours. Yeah. It's gonna change the world. Fantastic, Ari. Thank you. You've done it again. Absolutely incredible. How's life been going for you? Life's been so good. The titties. Yeah, they are. Boobies. Might be time to get up. Boobies. Someone's. Hell yeah. Those things just make you want to get on the. And pull your pants down to your ankles. Yes. You can't even look back at it. I love It. Look at that. Corn fed titties, you know what I'm saying? Really are. In Estonia. We have them all malnourished. We just have the nipple. We're like, oh, my God, I found one with a bump. Calling your friends over. Amazing. We had a little Christmas party here last night. Christmas party was great. Every chick here was in a relationship. Amazing. Yeah, that's always a fun party. It was. Everyone had a plus one with them. It was a real fucking look, don't touch type of party. I have been actually speaking of masturbating. I'm actually like, incredible. Like, I'm. See, I got too deep into the pornography for a while. I was down bad. Oh, also in Texas, you know, they're like, no pornhub hqporna.com not sponsored. It's recommended. High definition. Q rated. Curated by a pervert. Wow. High definition. High definition 8K. You see the bad childhood. And it was going. So for a while, I went off the rails, you know, like, just like my tab started getting fucking shorter and shorter. You know when you go so deep that there's no more words, it's just fucking scribbles. So what I did now is like, I cut porn out of my life. No more. No more. And now I just do it, dude. Sam, today in the shower, from memory, bro, you thought of me like, not, not. He was trying to not come fast. Yeah, Sam. Sam. No, I like, did it in the. Literally in the shower. Eyes closed, dude. Like. Like, I'm Neo, dude. I'm so powerful, dude. Congratulations. It's crazy. No poor needed. Just instinct. I know. Hard work. That's what I'm saying. Well, you're listening to Big Mike over there. Big Mike knows all about that. I don't think you have a lot of cum inside of you. It is tiny, tiny amount. Michael comes like this old big Mike McLittle loads over there. This is how you get. Mike's coming like Meanie Gonzalez. Oh, my goodness. Ari, you're so funny, man. Yeah, you're the man. Thank you, Ari. Thank you. You're so. All the time too. This guy. On airplanes, on restaurants, backstage at the bar all the time. Always. It's really. I. I've never done this before, but in the show, I've been on at least a dozen times, probably more. But how would you like to open for me in San Antonio in February? Let's do it. Yes. Look at that. Somebody hooked me up. There you go. That's. That's off the book money, so don't worry. Oh, I Love off the book money. Palestine. We're just out of the show. Yeah. The good news is he's gonna pay you what he paid in all of taxes last year. Imagine. Ari, you are the absolute man. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye. A shooting star in real time with the stylings of the future American Ari Mati. And we did it. How about a hand for our amazing guests Ari Shafird and Sam Talent? They're on tour. Buy their tickets. You know where to find them. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. Ari Shafir has a brand new Special on Netflix. January 14th, everybody. Do you believe in miracles? Pretty much did it. Yeah. Tony, just yell the Netflix guys. What the wrong with you? All right? Yeah, me and Joe did. We had dinner with the Netflix executives and we said, don't be gay. That's all you have to tell them. Sometimes you got to tell these. What's up? Hell yeah. Lady made 100 bucks tonight in the audience. Wow. How about one more time for the great Sam Talent with two l's, huh? Thank you. Two of the best guests to ever do it. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Is that baby Red band? Oh, my God. Baby red man with a Tony haircut. Look at that. Oh, my God. He already had fat tits all the way back then. Folks, how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Red band. Check out The Sunset Strip, atx.com Love you guys. There you go. We love you guys. Thank you, everybody. Did you guys have a good time tonight? God bless you all and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. It.