#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON

Summary

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Kill Tony Podcast #700 – WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON

Date: January 14, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Whitney Cummings, Kam Patterson
House Band: Grooveline Horns, Michael Gonzalez, D Madness, et al.

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Episode Overview

Kill Tony celebrates its landmark 700th episode with a comedic melee at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas. The renowned improv stand-up show features top-tier guest comedians Whitney Cummings and Kam Patterson on the panel. The night is a blend of excoriating roasts, off-the-cuff interviews, brutal honesty, and memorable audience energy, as bucket-pulled novices and pros alike test their mettle on the biggest live stage in stand-up podcasting.

Whitney and Kam’s chemistry with Tony sparks lightning-fast quips, while a parade of new and known comics deliver both cringe-worthy failures and unforeseen triumphs. As always, the band’s presence, audience feedback, live banter, and a unique “Mexican Drum-Off” keep the energy high and unpredictable.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Highlights

1. Guest Introductions, Panel Energy, & Roast Banter (03:33 – 06:43)

• Tony kicks off the night introducing Kam Patterson (decked out with a new grill) and Whitney Cummings (fresh from roasting on CNN and the Jelly Roll roast).
• Whitney jokes about Kam’s grill:
  • "How much did that grill cost on Temu?" (04:21, Whitney Cummings)
• Tony needles Kam about his evolving style and Kam retorts:
  • "Back in my final form. I’m gonna go sell some crack." (04:07, Kam Patterson)
• Banter quickly turns self-referential as they roast each other and riff on their recent career moments.

2. Culture Clash & Recent Roasts (04:45 – 05:16)

• Whitney reflects on her controversial CNN roast experience.
  • “When you get a text from Mark Normand, Shane Gillis, and Tony Hinchcliffe after, you know you’re in trouble.” (04:59, Whitney Cummings)
• Whitney’s willingness to push boundaries on non-comedy stages is celebrated.

3. Show Format Recap & Audience Warm-up (05:52 – 08:21)

• Tony recaps the show’s premise for newcomers: 1-minute standup sets pulled randomly from the bucket, followed by panel feedback/interview.
• “Maybe we help them, maybe we hurt them. Anything can happen.” (06:14, Tony Hinchcliffe)

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Bucket Pull Comic Highlights

4. Macyo: Opium Blunts & Long Setups (08:21 – 21:22)

Notable Segments:

• Macyo delivers a nuclear-bomb-desk joke with a long-winded setup, receiving tepid laughter and sharp critiques.
• Tony asks how he picked his set:
  • "And that’s the minute you did on the biggest comedy show in the fucking world?" (10:12, Tony Hinchcliffe)
• Whitney tags the comic as “open mic Birbiglia” (10:48, Whitney).
• Panel dives into comedy origins, stay-at-home dad status, past opioid addiction, and “smoking opium blunts from a Chinese sushi chef.”
• Tony marvels at the self-destructive hobbies as comedy fodder.
• Ethnicity confusion:
  • "I'm super mixed… Japanese, white, native Hawaiian, and black." (19:53, Macyo)
  • "What makes you say that you’re black? Who told you?" (20:06, Tony)
  • “My grandpa’s name is Jerome,” leading to almost vaudeville-level confusion and riffing.

5. Mr. G: Cat Savior & Lipless Wonder (22:05 – 31:05)

• Mr. G’s first time on stage features cat jokes, oddball energy, and an even odder backstory.
• Panel can’t help but roast his nonexistent lips and eccentric Hawaii cat rescue tales:
  • "This nigga still smoke opium." (23:27, Kam Patterson)
  • "You have no lips whatsoever. What happened to your lips?" (24:20, Tony)
• Mr. G reveals he was “banished from Hawaii” after being attacked for feeding cats:
  • “There’s a holiday in Hawaii called Kill Haole Day… it was like The Purge for goofy-looking white guys.” (28:20, Mr. G)
• Claims six cats brought from Hawaii and dreams of a cat exodus to Austin—met with utter incredulity and laughter.

6. Bobby T: 18-Hour Drive, Fried Pickles, Drum-Off (32:04 – 49:13)

• Midwest bartender and former restaurant owner shares his “dirty magazine as revenge gift” joke.
• Tony reads his old restaurant’s Yelp reviews, highlighting subpar customer experiences and overpriced pickles:
  • “How much were you charging for 5 pickle slices?” (39:26, Tony)
• Life summary: former teacher turned bartender for better pay, COVID business casualty, now local server.
• Mexican Drum-Off: Bobby T challenges house drummer Michael "Big Mike" Gonzalez for a shot at immortal Kill Tony band status. Big Mike wins decisively, preserving his job.
• Jokes and crowd involvement make this a signature chaotic Kill Tony moment.

7. Juan Denmark: Clinical Psychologist with Jokes That Land (50:28 – 58:09)

• Juan cracks up the room with "freak off" race observations and a strong, punchy set:
  • “White people have freak offs, they just call it lifestyle parties. Mexicans have quinceaneras…” (50:28, Juan Denmark)
• First solid set of the night, praised by panel.
• Tony digs into his background—Army Ranger, clinical psychology student, German-born, keen observer with open, quick wit.
• Tony rewards Juan with an automatic slot for next week’s show and a gig on the Secret Show:
  • “Since you’re gonna be here next Monday, I’m gonna give you an automatic minute…” (57:46, Tony)

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8. Comedy Store Veteran Reunion: Matt Edgar (59:15 – 71:20)

• Tony's old friend and long-time LA comic Matt Edgar delights with tales of old, accidental gay moments on the road, and their shared “bicycle accident.”
  • “Give them an inch and they’re gonna try to suck it.” (59:39, Matt Edgar)
• The panel reminisces about their start at the Comedy Store, wild early days in LA, and a legendary story about getting kicked out of Whataburger in Texas.
• Matt’s signature self-deprecating, storytelling charm brings a wave of nostalgia and camaraderie.

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9. Notable Bucket Comics & Audience Interactions

Will Merrick: Dry Humor, Awkward Interview (71:54 – 78:39)

• “This is my impression of Italian Bill Cosby…” (72:00, Will Merrick)
• Tony critiques Will’s lack of energy and poor interview skills.
• “You give us nothing to work with as well.” (77:52, Tony)

Ty Marion: Interracial Dating, Race Jokes, True Crime (79:22 – 91:48)

• Jokes about dating a black woman and wrapped with the line:
  • “For future reference, can you explain to me exactly how long a cotton-picking minute is?” (80:26, Ty Marion)
• Kam and Juan give comic feedback on racial dynamics and cultural jokes.
• Absolute Kill Tony gold: Ty reveals he stopped an armed robber at work, who then died—first explicit murder admission on show history.
  • “He ain’t no longer with us.” (88:52, Ty Marion)

Amanda Mercedes: Ex-Stripper, Cannabis Compliance, Camper Life (92:20 – 99:02)

• Amanda, a Michigan ex-stripper/cannabis compliance officer, bombs elegantly.
• Cummings quips, “Keep it going for Taylor Binson, everybody,” in sharp reference to another comic.
• Talks camper life, tattoos, and living with her dog:
  • “I live in a 35-foot camper with my dog… Kid Rock origin story.” (98:02, Amanda/ Tony)

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Standout Moments & Memorable Quotes

• On Panel Chemistry:
  • “I need a diversity hire.” (07:01, Whitney Cummings, ribbing Kam)
  • “I’m here. That’s my job.” (07:03, Kam Patterson)
• On Roast Culture:
  • “Your jokes about me are the best jokes…Absolutely ruthless.” (05:43, Tony – to Whitney)
• On Drugs and Comedy:
  • “You used to smoke opium blunts?” (14:12, Tony)
  • “He got kicked down the stairs the next day by his wife and couldn't play baseball.” (15:21, Macy recounting partying with a Seattle Mariner)
• Juan Denmark’s crowd kill:
  • “I'm the type of dude that brings condoms to the freak off...She told me she's allergic. I told her I'm allergic to chlamydia.” (51:13)
• Kam on Ty Marion’s racial jokes:
  • “As a young black man in America, I gotta sit here and go like this while he doing it…but I liked it.” (81:38, Kam)
• On Panel Segue Skills and Oddity:
  • “My favorite part of this set was when you used the word ‘rummaged’… Is that a real word, Cam Patterson?” (18:21, Tony)
• On Hans Kim’s Gag Reflex (Comic Gold):
  • Tony deliberately escalates questions about Hans Kim’s physical limitations, provoking real-time gagging and tears, turning the end of the show into classic unscripted comedy.
  • “Just imagining having a grill in your mouth is setting off your gag reflex. Am I correct?” (106:14, Tony)
  • Hans gagging at even the description.

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Timeline of Notable Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:33 | Whitney Cummings & Kam Patterson introductions, panel roasting | | 08:21 | Macyo’s set, interview, opium stories, ethnicity confusion | | 22:05 | Mr. G’s cat saga, Hawaii ‘banishment’, and panel reaction | | 32:04 | Bobby T’s jokes, Yelp roast, drum-off with Michael Gonzalez | | 50:28 | Juan Denmark’s strong set and instant booking for next week | | 59:15 | Matt Edgar & Tony reminisce on Comedy Store/Whataburger tales | | 71:54 | Will Merrick’s interview exposes awkward comic side | | 79:22 | Ty Marion’s set (“cotton-picking minute”), murder admission | | 92:20 | Amanda Mercedes’ “first time no pole”, ex-stripper backstory | |101:27 | Hans Kim’s set, gag reflex endurance, panel has a field day |

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Closing & Plugs (111:27)

• Whitney Cummings: Touring; “Good For You” podcast
• Kam Patterson: camPatterson.com, touring
• Band, Redban: Acknowledgements

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Final Thoughts

Kill Tony #700 is equal parts comedy gauntlet and celebration of unpredictable live weirdness. The comics cover everything from addiction and odd jobs to actual true-crime confessions, all against the razor-edge banter of one of the strongest panels in the show’s history. In between mockery and mentorship, moments of genuine spontaneity—like Hans Kim’s unexpected gagging—cement the show’s reputation as the world’s foremost irreverent standup showcase.

Best for: Fans of raw, anything-goes standup, deep comedy culture, and reality-meets-hilarity live performance.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Hey, this is Red.

[A]

Coming you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand

[B]

new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock.

[A]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

make some noise for Red Band. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the real Red Band. How about one more time for the best stam ban in the land? That's the real deal right there. Grooveline Horns. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. That's Big Mike. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, bigger than ever, 92.5 pounds of pure muscle. Big Mike, we call him nowadays. This is Medium Matt Muling over here on the electric guitar. We have Sleepy John Dees on the keys. Sleepy. And the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, yes. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh? You guys gotta do better than that. Are you ready to start tonight's fuckin show? Every single week I book two of the funniest comedians on this show. This week, absolutely no different. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best guests in the history of the show. The young man is a superstar. From this episode, it's a from this show, it's a juggernaut in real time. You got to watch him go from barely anybody knowing him to him being a global star. The woman on panel tonight, just well on top of being one of the best comedians in the world, also just fucking lit New Year's Eve on fire. This year I present to you a perfect panel. This is Whitney Cummings and Cam Patterson.

[B]

Oh shit.

[A]

Oh yeah. Whitney Cummings. Cam Patterson in the flesh. The great Whitney. We're back. Let's have some fucking fun. It is a beautiful 69.1 degrees Fahrenheit. 35 precipitation in the room. Cam Patterson, welcome back to the table.

[D]

What's up?

[A]

You got a gold grill yeah. Look at this.

[B]

Back in my final form. I'm gonna go sell some crap.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. I remember when you were first on the show. He was wearing sweatpants and flip flops, and he said, I'm never gonna change. I'm always gonna stay this way.

[B]

You've been wearing the same thing.

[C]

How much did that girl cost on temu?

[B]

That hurt my feelings. That hurt my feelings. I'm very sad right now. It was not that expensive. It was free, actually.

[C]

It's one piece.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

It's my real teeth. I got perms now. It's permanent.

[C]

How is it that you speak better with them?

[B]

Here's my final form.

[A]

Whitney Cummings, fresh off of lighting CNN on fire. She pulled a Tony Hinchcliffe and got a little fucking. Little. Little smoke, a little heat off a little something.

[B]

Oops.

[C]

I knew I came off at CNN Live and the live CNN roast, and I came off. I got three text messages from people telling me it was great. And that's when I knew I was in trouble. Yeah, it was Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[A]

Yeah, that's how you know if you think it's funny.

[C]

I'm fucked.

[A]

Yeah, mama, we made it. That's what you got to do. You got to put yourself in position to do comedy where it doesn't really belong. And CNN is perfect for that. So is political rallies as well.

[C]

I was going to do a joke about you, but I didn't want to, like, reignite it at all.

[A]

Your jokes about me are the best jokes about me. I heard some of them at the Jelly Roll roast. Absolutely ruthless.

[C]

Yeah, Jelly Roll. Or as we call him, Gross Malone.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the man. We got to figure out what's going to happen with that roast. In the meanwhile, we're on Kill. Tony. You guys know how this works? I pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and cuts them off. And then I interview them and we all find out more about them. Maybe we help them, maybe we hurt them. Anything can happen. It's a real improvised live show, and we're going to start it with a bucket pool here tonight. Normally we start with a regular or a golden ticket winner. I think tonight should be one of those big bucket bonanza nights. We have a lot of our regulars out on the road. Around or on panel. Cam gets to save a minute tonight. That's exciting.

[C]

Also, may I please just say, last time I was on, I asked if Cam would feature for me, and then I reached out and he was booked to headline. You said no.

[B]

Yeah. Thanks to the show. The show saved my life.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So I'll try again, but I would

[B]

love to do it. Okay.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

I need a diversity hire.

[B]

I'm here. That's my job.

[A]

Shit, we all need a good one. Your first bucket pool is from the inside. Everybody representing you, the audience. It could be you if you signed up. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Goes by the name of Macy. Yo. Macy. Yo. Oh, the furthest possible walk. How exciting. I'm gonna pre pull a name for your next bucket pull. Ooh, that looks fun. Now's a good time for me to tell you to use Zipix nicotine toothpicks. You could use them on airplanes and stuff. Up Zip. More smoke less Zipix nicotine toothpicks. There goes the Puerto Rican guy. He just realized where he was. Here we go. Zip energy as well. Beep 12 and caffeine toothpicks. Nice catch. How we feeling? We ready to start the show. Make some noise for one of your own. This is maceyo.

[E]

What's up?

[D]

I grew up in Alaska back in the 80s, yeah, they. They used to tell us all the time that we were gonna get nuked all the time. They would be like, hey, if the Russians drop a nuke on us, jump under your desk. Even as, like, a first grader, I was like, that's dumb. And then I smoking weed, and I found out why they tell you that. There's this Japanese dude, and he had to go to work out of town, and he had to go to Hiroshima. And he saw a big flash, and he was like, oh, shit. And he jumped under his desk, and he survived. And then, like, a couple days later, he had to go back home to his hometown in Nagasaki.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

He saw it again. He was like, oh. And jumped under his desk again. Size all high. And I was like, how come we don't just build big desks over our houses?

[A]

All right. Macy. Yo. Macy. Macy. Macy. Sorry.

[D]

I was a little winded. I had to come from the farthest.

[A]

That's what you think the problem was? You think it was your cardio? How about the writing, the performing? The overall ideology of a joke having its punchline stacked. 66 seconds in to the set. I get it. Yeah, I get it. There's A lot of that. Macy, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[D]

For about three years.

[F]

Three years.

[A]

And that's the minute you did on the biggest comedy show in the fucking world?

[D]

That was.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, what made you pick that minute? How bad is everything else?

[D]

Most of my jokes are kind of longer, so.

[A]

Oh, sounds amazing. Where can we see these amazing Long ass punchline. Less jokes.

[D]

Tacoma.

[H]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Like why would that be the noise there? Just because you think they like any noise is good. Okay. Red band. Red band. Pulling a real Macy yo to start the show. It's amazing. Let's just all bomb together I guess. Whitney Cummings, his jokes are so long.

[C]

We should call him open mic Bia.

[A]

Okay. Just for you, I think. Yeah, well, semi roasted by Whitney. Okay, for those of you that don't know who Mike Bigley is, Google them. Okay, let's get back to Macy here. Is that your real name?

[D]

Yeah. Macy.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

My mom named me after the parade.

[A]

Oh, I see. Okay. Is that true?

[D]

Yeah. She swears she doesn't smoke weed, but I remember her growing it as a kid.

[C]

Or maybe she just wanted to see you only once a year.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense. Boom, there it is. Whitney. Comments. Whitney, one for one on non birbiglia jokes here tonight. Jesus Christ.

[C]

I'm in the mood to Star Wars.

[A]

I'm just in the mood to start fighting. Let's go. So Macy, let's talk about it because it was horrendous. It's unbelievable. You live in Tacoma full time?

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're visiting Austin right now?

[H]

Yep.

[A]

And did was this trip planned around you coming to this show?

[D]

Me and my friend Mason, he got tickets and so he said we should come down and try to get on.

[A]

And did Mason sign up as well?

[D]

Yes, he is.

[A]

Is Mason like the better comedian out of the two of you?

[D]

I, I, I hope he does better than me.

[A]

Well, we don't know. I mean he would have to get pulled out of the bucket. I'm not just going to have a double bomb, double bomb road trip up here. What are you guys? Hiroshima. Nagasaki.

[D]

Yeah. Yes.

[A]

Mason and Macy over here. Oh my God. What do you do for work, Maceo?

[D]

I don't work.

[A]

I, I love that you think that we're surprised, like some, some shocking reveal.

[D]

I'm a stay at home dad and then I started doing comedy when my daughter got older, so.

[A]

Okay. How old's your daughter?

[D]

She's 13.

[A]

Okay, so you waited till she was 10?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Before you, before you started comedy?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Are you a Better dad than you are. Comedian.

[D]

Yeah. I was just sitting back there going, my daughter would love the band over here.

[A]

Yeah, she probably would. That's true. So what did you used to do for work? How do you contribute? Does your. Does the baby mama work?

[D]

Yeah, my. My girl, she got a really good job, so.

[A]

What's that job?

[D]

She sells cruises. Like luxury cruises.

[A]

Okay. To people in Tacoma, Washington.

[D]

She sells cruises to people all over. She's like. She's like a super agent for a cruise line.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Absolutely. And has she seen you do comedy before?

[D]

No, she usually stays at home with the kids.

[A]

Smart. Smart. You should keep it that way. You should definitely keep it that way or else she might end up starting to fuck Mason over there. So, Macy, how old are you?

[D]

46.

[A]

46. And what made you want to start three years ago? Why didn't you start when you were younger?

[G]

Drugs.

[A]

Okay. What kind of drugs?

[D]

I used to be on opioids a lot.

[A]

Okay, what kind of opioids specifically? Give them some shout outs.

[D]

I used to smoke opium blunts.

[A]

You used to smoke opium blunts?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Even John Dees is impressed. Our senior opioid correspondent John Deese has awakened for a moment. You've awakened old sleepy John.

[D]

Yeah, I. I had hurt myself, and I was on Vicodin. And then I just progressed to just smoking opium and blunts.

[A]

So you would take Vicodin, crush it up, and sprinkle it on blunts.

[D]

I started getting real opium from this Chinese dude and just breaking it up and putting it in blunts.

[A]

My God. Wow. A real Chinese dude. Where did you find this real Chinese dude at? He was a cook at a Chinese restaurant.

[D]

At a sushi restaurant?

[A]

Yeah. Okay. And you found him.

[D]

You're just like, hey, he told me he had opium. And I was like, but what would

[A]

make him suggest that to you? Like, if someone went in there, you

[D]

know, I think you could tell I was already popping lots of Viking in. So he was like, this guy looks like he got it in his eye.

[A]

So what are some of the crazy things you would do after smoking an opium blunt? Like, what's the. What's the lowest you ever got?

[D]

I partied with a Seattle Mariner one night, and then he got kicked down the stairs the next day by his wife and couldn't play baseball.

[C]

I'd like to hear her side of the story.

[A]

So, okay, your lowest point was smoking opium with a Seattle Mariner. That seems like it would be one of the highlights in Tacoma, Washington. That seems like it would be the most fun Night of your life?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So what was the most fun you've ever had on opium?

[D]

I don't really remember.

[A]

It's a good answer that checks out. That was a trick question. The correct answer was that it was impossible to remember how much fun happened. So were you still on opium when you knocked up your baby mama, the super agent?

[D]

No, I've been good for about five years at that point.

[A]

Okay. How did you get clean and sober or. Sober.

[D]

I just.

[A]

You don't look very clean. People in Tacoma not known for that.

[D]

I got introduced to wax. Like the. The weed wax.

[A]

Right.

[D]

So I just started putting that in my blood.

[A]

So do you do that all the time now? Yeah. You smoke blunts all the time?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's what brought us that amazing joke about getting nuked and hiding under desks. Yeah. Okay.

[D]

I got better jokes, I promise.

[A]

Why don't you do one? Why don't you do a better job? Why don't we hear one. Let's hear a better joke. Mason is standing up, doing the. Let's fucking go. He's. He really thinks that this is a chance for his boy Macy. It's gonna be a long spirit flight back to Tacoma. Oh, I can just feel it. I can just feel it. So here we go. Doing one of his better jokes. 3 years of experience, barely a laugh on the 65 second long setup for punchline for. Put desks under the thing. Here we go. My guess is it's going to have. I smoked weed in the joke. That seems to be part of your vibe. Here he is with his best joke. This is Macy. Yo.

[D]

So I'm from Tacoma, Washington, and they.

[A]

Yeah, Yep.

[D]

Yeah, that's right. Throw that up. They steal weird shit out of your car there. Because I got in my car one day and I noticed somebody had rummaged through all my shit. And I wasn't really that upset because, you know, I didn't really have anything in there. And then I realized something else was missing. Those motherfuckers stole my floor mats. I was sitting there like, what kind of fucking maniac steals floor mats? What a psychopath. Then I went to the Subaru dealership to get some new floor mats for my outback.

[A]

Fuck it.

[D]

$80 to get new floor mats. I was like, fuck this shit. I just went outside and stole somebody else's floor mats. That lesbian was probably like, what kind of maniac steals floor mats?

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Lesbians, indeed. Like Subarus. My favorite part of this set was when you. You used the word rummaged. You said, he rummaged through your car. Is anyone Camp Patterson?

[B]

That's a real word.

[A]

That's the word.

[B]

See? Rumbled is a real word. I liked it. Good job.

[A]

It's only a word for people that have grills in their mouth.

[B]

That's a real word, Tony.

[A]

That's a. That's a real word. That's a real word. That's a real world rummo.

[B]

It's very hard to talk with these in, but I look cool. As though, man. I look so cool, man.

[A]

I love it. Indeed. Indeed. Indeed, indeed. So, Mace. Yo. Congratulations. We don't have any joke books here tonight, huh? Where's Bonsai at? Any word from Bonsai? What the fuck do you know? Nothing. Did we tell him? Did we tell him there's two tapings? No, he doesn't need a coaster. He's leaving with some. You could use these on that long flight home. Some Zipix toothpicks. Those are peppermint watermelon toothpicks. So you could share some with your boy Mason over there. Oh, Mason's looking depressed, by the way.

[D]

He's.

[A]

He's looking like he really wanted you to do better. Yeah, we'll see. Mason, you signed up. I'll be. I'll be feeling for you. I'll be feeling for you. We'll see what happens. What ethnicity are you, by the way, Macy?

[D]

I'm super mixed. Japanese, white, native Hawaiian and black.

[A]

How black are you? How black are you? Did you gotten a 23 in me?

[D]

No.

[A]

What makes you say that you're black? Who told you you're black?

[D]

It's the. The rumor in the family. Oh, my grandpa's name is Jerome.

[A]

Yeah, but what color is he?

[D]

Very, very white. You'll see him like he's.

[A]

No, I won't see him. I won't see him. Cam Patterson.

[B]

Yo, Rome. Named Jerome.

[D]

Jerome.

[B]

Jerome. Okay, you're wrong. Well, never mind.

[I]

Continue.

[B]

Thought he said you're wrong. Well, that's an Asian man. That's not a real person, dog. No way. Hell, that's a real person.

[A]

Hell, yeah. So you have a white grandpa named Jerome. So you tell people you're part black?

[D]

That's what I was told.

[A]

By who?

[D]

By my cousin.

[A]

Who's your cousin? What's his name?

[D]

It's my girl cousin.

[A]

Hold on, musicians. Stop for just a second. It's your what? Cousin?

[D]

My girl cousin.

[A]

Girl cousin? What does that mean?

[D]

You said it's a boy cousin. I said, no, it's a girl.

[A]

So is it a first cousin?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You have her number?

[D]

No, not on me.

[A]

You don't have your first cousin's phone number?

[D]

No, I'm shitty like that.

[A]

So you.

[D]

I don't even have my dad's phone number.

[A]

You might be black after all, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes, Macyo to start the show. There he goes. All right, you don't need to give high fives to everybody. Macy. Yo. Has started the show. Oh, shit. The lovely Heidi has arrived, everybody. My goodness, how lovely. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Mr. G, everybody. Mr. G is next on kill. Tony. Hello.

[E]

I feel like I am the crackhead version of Ari Amazi in this jacket. I've been practicing my jokes in front of my cats. They're tough critics. If they don't like one, they'll cough up a hairball.

[A]

Hack, hack.

[E]

I'm ambidextrous. I jerk off with my left hand and I write with my right hand. Sometimes I jerk off with my right hand and it feels like somebody else is doing it. Like my mom. But give my mom some credit. She had schizophrenia. She probably thought I was her pimp. Speaking of pimps, My name is Mr. G. I'm a ladies man. I'll prove it to you. I can take any woman here home with me tonight. I just need extra bus money. Austin is my home, but I've been gone for 14 years. No, I wasn't in prison. I was in Hawaii feeding cats. But I just bought my first house right down the street in East Austin. It's really a shack in between a bunch of multi million dollar mansions. And my neighbors think I'm a squatter. Me and my cats, we squat every time we see my neighbors.

[A]

Jesus Christ Almighty. Mr. G. Mr. G. Oh my God. Cam Patterson.

[B]

This nigga still smoke opium. He's still on it.

[A]

It's incredible.

[B]

Do real drugs. You a crackhead, right? You do crack, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

No, no. Okay.

[A]

It is incredible. You do have a look, Mr. G. Has anyone told you that you don't have lips?

[E]

Yeah, I think Hans Bomb mentioned that a few months ago. I saw his set and I.

[A]

Who did?

[E]

I saw Hans Bomb. Hans Kim mentioned that.

[A]

Not.

[E]

Not me in particular, but he mentioned that white people have little lips.

[A]

And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fact that you have no lips. I'm not saying you have little lips. I'm not saying white people have little lips. I'm saying you specifically, Mr. G, if that really is your name, have no lips whatsoever. Why do you think that is? What happened to your lips? Let's just.

[C]

Let's just ate too much, Tony.

[A]

I highly doubt that. I highly doubt that. I don't. I don't think Billy Bomb Thornton's eating all the. In the world over here. That was absolutely wild, Mr. G. So let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up?

[E]

This is my first time.

[A]

Wow. What made you pick here to do first time?

[E]

Not terrible. Maybe I was.

[A]

No, it was terrible, Mr. G. You think it's awful? It was horrible. It was really, really bad. But we're gonna talk about it. It's okay. Just. Just continue with confidence. It's all right. That's part of it. So what have you been doing for work up until this point?

[E]

I am a writer.

[A]

What are you writing?

[E]

I write about cats.

[A]

What do you write about? Cats.

[E]

What do I write about?

[A]

Cats? Yes. What do you write about? Cats. What? Like, would you.

[E]

I've spent the last few years in Hawaii feeding hundreds of cats every morning on the most dangerous street in Honolulu. Fighting Hawaii gangsters while I feed and dance with street cats on the Internet.

[C]

Guys, I need a second. My pussy's so wet. I think I need to take a break.

[A]

I think I might need a dangerous street in Honolulu.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

How dangerous is that street? What's happening? Are pineapples falling out of trees? What exactly makes it the most dangerous?

[E]

They're armed with coconuts, Tony.

[D]

Then.

[E]

And if you ever get a coconut hit in the back of your head, you're never the same afterwards.

[A]

Mr. G, let's talk about it. What made you get into this wide world of cats? What is your thing with cats?

[E]

Well, I've always liked cats. And there are. There are 2 million homeless cats in Hawaii. Okay, so.

[A]

So you feed them and keep them alive so they could go on another day just being homeless. Do you know. Do you know cats can be homeless? You know, they're. Some of them are outdoor. It's not like humans. Do you know. Do you know that 99.9% of all animals are homeless? Are you aware of this? You know, monkeys are homeless orangutans.

[E]

Well, I don't care about them. I care about the cats.

[A]

Okay, so what is it about cats that you love so much?

[E]

When I was a kid, I would talk like a robot. And all the other kids would call me Gregory 2000. And my only friend was an orange cat. And me and this orange cat, we would sit on a lawn And I tell him my dreams and my hopes.

[A]

And now that orange cat is the President of the United States of America. And here you are. No. Is this true? Were you bullied for your love of cats?

[E]

Yes, Tony. I moved from Hawaii. I was basically banished from the island.

[A]

Why? Why were you banished from the island? This is a good part where if you tell the truth, it'll be really interesting.

[C]

I didn't realize they had Megan's Law in Hawaii too,

[E]

because I was attacked every morning while feeding cats.

[A]

You were attacked? By who?

[E]

By local Hawaiians.

[A]

Why were they attacking you for feeding the cats? What was their reasoning? Let's hear their perspective. Why would they say they attacked you or wanted to attack you?

[E]

Well, there are many people that feed cats in Hawaii, me in particular, they did not like because of how I look. There's a holiday in Hawaii.

[A]

What do you mean? As far as I know, you're part black, according to this show. Not with those lips. Give me your. Give me that sound. Where is it? Where is it? Well, you gotta find it. Here it is. Red band the line. Not with those lips.

[E]

Okay, so in Hawaii, there's an unofficial state holiday called Kill Howly Day. And do you know what a howley is?

[J]

No.

[E]

A white person.

[A]

Me.

[E]

It was Kill Me Day. It was like the Purge, except all the victims were goofy looking white guys trying to live in Hawaii.

[A]

Okie dokie. Mr. G, do you have any kids or anything? Did you do anything? Okay, what have you done your whole life other than feeding cats? You write about cats. What types of things do you write? You've written it, so you must know.

[E]

I wrote a book about the University of Texas and Austin and that was one of my reasons for coming back here. It's a special time. It's a special place here in Austin right now. The University of Texas are about to kill the Ohio State Buckeyes on Friday.

[A]

I'm gonna remember your lipless fucking face when we win that game. I'm just gonna go. That cat is crying right now. I'm gonna go. Mr. Mr. G. 2000 is out there thinking that the Longhorns were gonna win this game. Mr. G. So what's your living situation? You seem like the kind of guy that really likes to connect with cats so much that you might live outdoors. Am I correct?

[E]

No to me.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[E]

But I don't blame you for.

[A]

You're an indoor man.

[E]

Yes, I just. I just bought my first house right down the street. It's really a shack in between a bunch of multiple.

[A]

Yeah, we Heard that. You own it?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

How expensive was the shack?

[E]

It was very inexpensive. It's a fixer upper.

[A]

Ah, okay. Does it have a heater?

[E]

Just one that I got from Amazon. Just my cats. They keep me warm.

[A]

How many cats do you own?

[E]

I've brought six from Hawaii. I plan to bring many more. My goal is to rent a private jet and bring hundreds of them. Like I said, There's 2 million in Hawaii. They can afford to lose a few. And Austin has a history of people coming here escaping persecution. And they aren't human, but they're escaping persecution. And I like them a lot.

[A]

So I'm gonna let Cam Patterson speak for a second.

[B]

This nigga crazy. He's insane. What are we talking about right now, man? My cat, my cat, my cat. He's fucking crazy, man. It is abuse. He crazy, man.

[C]

I would just like to say it's been an honor to meet the Rainy Street Killer.

[A]

Yeah, There he goes. Mr. G, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. You could put the mic in the mic. Thank you, Mr. G. We love you, Mr. G. Thank you. Yeah, that's the old please don't kill me. We love you. 100%. Put them on the facial recognition list. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl. I mean, this is what the show's all about. It's about chaos. Out of this bucket. Let's meet another one. Could be the next superstar. Could own millions of cats. Make some noise for Bobby T. Bobby T is the next.

[G]

I drove 18 straight hours to get here tonight. I partied hard last night, went at it till wee hours of the morning. I still got the taste of regret in my mouth. That being said, do you know what 80 year old woman's tastes like? Depends. Defense. My brother and I, we both come from the same small town. So he doesn't understand why I got upset when he bought my 8 year old son a shotgun for his birthday without my permission. He explained the gift is from him and my son can use the shotgun at my discretion. So two months later, it's my nephew's birthday, his 16th. I bought him a present. He opened it in front of the whole family. It was a classic 1992 dirty magazine with three black guys, a white girl in the back of the El Camino stuffed in every hole. I looked at him and said, the gift is for me. He can use it at your discretion. Name in that magazine, boys, under her hood. Thank you, Austin. This is what it's all about. This rocks. Thank you guys so much.

[A]

Bobby T. There's a theme so Far this episode. How you doing, Bobby T. Great, thank you. How long you been doing stand up?

[G]

The first time was 14 years ago, and I've done it just a time or two. That's it.

[A]

Okay. What made you want to come here and do it here?

[G]

I. I saw Ron White give a very motivational speech, said, if you think you're funny, if your friends think you're funny, then this is the opportunity that you guys have given. You guys have given. So I drove 18 hours from Indiana to be here tonight.

[A]

Okay, we have to go edit that Ron White part out of that episode. It's time we got. We got dudes on jets with cats coming out here. Like, thank you, Ron White, here we come.

[G]

I saw you a couple weeks ago with Ron White and friends, and it rocked.

[A]

It was. It was.

[G]

My matrix was cool.

[A]

Thank you, Bobby T. Thank you. Okay, so you started 14. How did that set go 14 years ago?

[G]

It went pretty well, actually. My wife surprised me with a birthday gift. Had a lot of friends there.

[A]

Wait, hold on. How does your wife surprise you with you doing your first comedy set?

[G]

I was coming back from Indiana, visiting my best friend. He was sick at the time. He's doing well now. And my wife said, are you ready to take some things off that bucket list? And I said, yeah. And when I got home two and a half hours later, I had about 25 friends at the house. They went down to Bloomington to the. I think it was the Addict. The addict factory.

[A]

Sure. Doesn't matter. Sure, it doesn't matter. Continue.

[G]

Anyway, done it a couple times since then.

[A]

And just so your first time doing standup, you didn't know you were going to do stand up, so you had no time to prepare. Correct.

[G]

Two and a half hours.

[A]

Okay, so she told you you're performing tonight at the Con. What else did you knock off your bucket list that night?

[G]

Nothing off the bucket list that night.

[A]

Right. Besides, I'm just going off of what you said that she said about, are you ready to knock some stuff or. That would be different if it was a thing, but it's okay. It was a thing.

[G]

Copy that.

[A]

Okay, gotcha. What do you do for work, Bobby T?

[G]

I'm now a server.

[A]

Where are you serving at?

[G]

You're going to love this. It's a family restaurant called Triple X and it's in West Lafayette on Purdue campus. It was on. Okay.

[A]

What did you. What did you study? What are some trades that you know?

[G]

I used to teach middle school and then bartending. An Irish pub. That's what I'VE done a majority of my life.

[A]

So how did you end up not teaching at school? How do you end up a server? If you. At one point, you were a middle school teacher, the look in your eyes is telling me this is going to be a fun answer.

[G]

One, I made three times as much money bartending as I did as a teacher. And secondly, unfortunately, I used to. Used to own a restaurant. Stopped doing that at Covid.

[A]

And you owned a restaurant?

[G]

I did.

[A]

What was the restaurant called?

[G]

Bobby T's.

[A]

It was your restaurant with your name, Bobby T's. Let's look up the Yelp reviews for Bobby T's restaurant. This is one of my favorite, favorite things to do.

[G]

On a sad note, though, or a great note, because it got me here tonight. The restaurant is closed. We sold during co. We're done during COVID So what? We were done during COVID Boss man, I'm sorry, but that's got me here.

[A]

You closed during COVID Closed.

[G]

Closed during COVID Yes, sir.

[A]

Yeah, I got that part. You said that already.

[D]

Sorry.

[A]

It's in Indiana.

[G]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Bloomington.

[G]

No, West Lafayette.

[A]

West Lafayette.

[G]

Lafayette.

[A]

Lafayette, Indiana.

[G]

Lafayette, Indiana, sir.

[A]

Gotcha. Here we go. Bobby T's. We found it. West Lafayette. Now. Here we go. First of all, here, I'll just take over because you are absolutely wild. Let's just start by saying it's the one on Main Street. Correct. Bobby, over here, you idiot. Don't talk to. You're not making friends with a drummer when you're on this show. So how do you feel like these Yelp reviews are going to be good?

[G]

Have you ever been to West Lafayette or Lafayette?

[A]

Can I tell you that your average is a 3.9 with 19 reviews? Okay, so here we go. Jenny B. Says, typically a positive experience. We've enjoyed going since they've reopened. Disappointed in bartender Jennifer using the word.

[G]

That was one of our comedy nights.

[A]

That's one of your comedy friends.

[G]

We used to try to do comedy Night Dog. We tried.

[A]

Let's do another one here. That was a one star. If you're wondering, that was a one star by Jenny B. Olivia H. Over five years ago, said hello. So my friends called ahead and made sure that we didn't need to reserve the campus location for big group gathering. And once they got there, they let us in, realized we weren't a part of a party that had been there, and rudely asked us all to leave after we took extreme lengths to make sure we would be allowed to come. Several of us are under 21 and want to spend time with our older friends. I'm really disappointed in the lack of communication and the overall rudeness of the employees working the door will not be attempting to go back. We asked to speak to a manager and some fat pig. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking. I made that part up. Your next review is from Kanako T. Over seven years ago. How long were you open for? A little bit lighter on the drums there, Michael. You've been working out a little too much. Go ahead.

[G]

There was two different locations. There was a Bobby T's campus and Bobby T's downtown and we were open up for about four years.

[A]

You had two locations.

[G]

I was trying to run two locations. I did not have two locations.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

It's a long story. You don't want to hear it all.

[A]

Kanako T said, I ordered fried pickles and the plate I received had only five fried pickles, which are probably one pickle split into five pieces. It was 5.49 if I'm not wrong. So 1.1 per piece. Awesome. Is that what you did? Were you, were you cut. Were you cutting your pickles?

[E]

Dude, with gloves on?

[G]

Yes.

[A]

Wow. So what was your plan? You would get a pickle and you would slice it many times and then just fry the super thin pickle?

[G]

We, we hand breaded all our food, but we weren't known for our pickles.

[A]

We weren't known for it, but you were going thin with the pickles. You were trying to really profit off these, but you were selling 549.

[G]

We weren't profiting too much.

[A]

Yeah, but I mean, 549 per pickle is unbelievable.

[G]

There's breading, a side sauce, but yes, it is a pricey pickle.

[A]

How much do you think was. How much do you think the side of sauce was worth? You're buying bulk, right?

[E]

No.

[G]

Scratch kitchen. Scratch kitchen.

[A]

You made the sauce from scratch?

[G]

You betcha.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

I love scratch kitchen.

[A]

Okay. Scratch kitchen.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

My goodness.

[B]

Do you have Jennifer's number?

[A]

Jennifer uses the R word.

[G]

I do not have Jennifer's number. But it's ironic that she's the one that said it because I think she asked herself, like you. You've probably seen that. Am I retarded? And nobody's telling me.

[A]

Speaking of retarded. Just to keep you guys updated on what I'm seeing, Redban is googling pickles in bulk to find a price on pickles. But he spells it P I C K E L S everybody. So if Jennifer was here right now, he'd be retarded, Everybody. Let's go back to the Yelp reviews.

[B]

That's how you spell it, Tony.

[A]

That's how you spell it all the

[C]

way from the Internet.

[A]

My review, three stars from Dale. My review is based on a short drinking and stuff snack episode in a Thursday night at 2am Take it for what it's worth. We picked the place because they were open late and had food service. That's a plus. The facilities were clean. The bar keep was friendly and helpful. She recommended appetizers that the kitchen could make well at that hour. We ordered the fried pickles. And the ghost pepper mozzarella. Mozzarella balls wrapped in bacon. No, you're pumping your fist over there. Look at that. You're proud of these ghosts.

[G]

I'm proud of.

[A]

I was.

[G]

I was proud of our menu. I was proud of what we were doing.

[A]

Ghost pepper mozzarella balls. So describe those to us.

[G]

So what bothered me is how expensive mozzarella sticks are. They take advantage of you. So we took.

[A]

Oh, we know you're trying to. You're the guy. You're the guy famously trying to make $7 per pickle over here.

[G]

So we, we. We take big cuts of mozzarella and we hand bread it ourselves three different times. And then we wrap it in bacon and then we sell it out that way so you get a good bang for your buck. I'm really proud.

[A]

How much profit do you think you were pulling off one of these mozzarella balls?

[G]

Not enough because we had to close, but that's right. Roughly 66%.

[A]

We ordered the fried pickles and the ghost pepper mozzarella balls wrapped in bacon. The fried pickles were very good.

[G]

I'm really proud.

[A]

The matzo balls were good as well. Be careful. They are spicier than advertised. Is that true?

[G]

We advertise that it was spicy. It's right to the point.

[A]

I had a gin in seven that came in a large cup. I tasted more seven up than gin. I also had a Skittles shot. Nice flavor, not much kick. You did Skittle shots?

[G]

So behind our bar we had nothing but like infused vodkas and with candies and fruits and things like that. Or Skittle shots would number one seller. But it was pure vodka with Skittles. I mean, all our. All our alcohol was just infused, pure alcohol.

[C]

It sounds like your bartender was a pedophile.

[G]

Is Indiana, not Kentucky, but yes, possible.

[A]

All right. Yeah. Pretty. Pretty good reviews. Other than that.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Why do you think it closed? Where do you think you went wrong Covid, Sure. But some places stayed open during COVID You know what?

[G]

I've lived a very full life at that point, man. I was already. I was already pretty beat up and tired from it. I mean, we built a stage and we were doing. We were doing comedy nights and burlesque shows and.

[A]

Oh, that's a way to keep the people happy. You up there just bombing while they're eating slivers of pickles.

[G]

But it worked. It worked. It was fun. I met a lot of great people, man.

[A]

And now you like your life. You like bartending, you like the nightlife. Do you get pretty up yourself?

[G]

I do get pretty up when I come into Austin, yeah. But this is the first time my entire life that I don't work in with any alcohol anymore at all. This restaurant I work at is during the day, home every day by 5pm don't deal with any alcohol.

[A]

So what do you do when you get home at 5pm well, Wednesday is

[G]

my next day at work. I got to leave here's ride straight to Indiana. I work Wednesday, and then I got band practice at 5pm what type of

[A]

band are you in?

[G]

We play everything from AC DC To.

[A]

What do you do in the band?

[G]

I'm a drummer.

[A]

What do you. What's the name of the band?

[G]

Rodeo. Like, you're driving down the road, listen to the radio. Rodeo.

[A]

So the name of the band is Rodeo?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

And you think that. Do you always say that when you tell people, when they go, what's the name of your band? You go, Rodeo. It's like you're driving down the road listening to the radio.

[G]

Yeah. I did not come up the name, so I feel like I need to try to explain it.

[A]

Bobby, I'm going to tell you what. I read your Yelp reviews. We're into overtime with you. Deep, deep into overtime. But I cannot possibly turn down the opera. How long you been playing drums for?

[G]

My whole life.

[A]

Your whole life? Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time. It's time for a Mexican drama. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Gonzalez. Get up out of that seat, dude. Come on. Oh, my goodness. Bobby T. Taking off his jacket. The horn players are jamming. They know what to do. It is a true Mexican drama. Bobby, are you Mexican? Hold on. Wait. You're not. Okay, well, then it's a. It's a. Hold on, hold on, Bobby. Just wait. He's very excited. He's very excited. He's like, of a piece. Pile of fried pickles over there. Just. Just ready to slice and dice and make A profit tonight. So let me remind you how this works. Some of you might not know. So I see some very pretty girls out here that were dragged here by your podcast loving boyfriends. You might not know. But right now, Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike himself, his job is on the line for a. Bobby T. Has a better drum solo than Michael Gonzalez. They have to basically switch lives. Bobby T. Becomes the full time drummer on Kill Tony. Michael Gonzalez literally has to go drive to Indiana, bartend at a bar that is filled with mozzarella bomb bacon wraps and shit. And it's just insanity. I will say Michael has never lost. And every time we do this, the audience decides. So it's a lot less biased than people think. We go off of the volume of the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's drum solo competition, I present to you the bucking fried pickle king of West Lafayette, Indiana. Driving 18 hours for this, living his dream. This is a drum solo by Bobby T. It. All right. Not the biggest ending there. A lot of. A lot of heat. A lot of heat down the front of the race. I think he lost some gas there at the end. Didn't really put a big ribbon on it. It closed a lot like his restaurant, did it, ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne. Don't let the camera fool you. This man is bigger than anyone on the stage. This is big Michael Gonzalez, everybody. Here he is. He's a good sport. The horn players playing what Michael hears in his head all the time. The sweet sounds of Mexican. Mexican stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Michael Gonzalez.

[B]

Sam.

[A]

Well, this is that time where we find out who is being sent home to West Lafayette, Indiana, one of the most shocking upsets in the history of this show. If the crowd decides. So how many of you, I must ask, have Bobby T. Winning the Mexican drum off? Now is your chance. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Even Bobby T. Himself with the big vote. Bobby, congratulations. Here's a medium joke book for you. There he goes. Bobby T, everybody. Absolutely. All right, on to the next one. We're having fun here tonight. The long, long set. Yeah, that happens sometimes. The great Heidi saging the stage from the three bombs that we've had so far tonight. Anything could happen. Though perhaps the bomb streak ends with the comedy stylings of your next bucket pool. Juan Denmark, everybody. Juan Denmark,

[J]

Everybody has freak offs. White people have freak offs. They're called lifestyle parties. Mexican people have freak offs, too. They're called quinceaneras. 15 is not a woman. Pedro, put your dick back in your pants. Pedro, you got three more fucking years in this country. Pedro. Pedro's trying to turn a King Senera to a kink. Senera.

[A]

All right.

[J]

Asian people got freak offs, too, y'.

[E]

All.

[J]

They're called sweatshops. I'm the type of dude that brings condoms to the freak off. I was on a date with a woman one time and she told me that she's allergic to condoms. I told her I'm allergic to chlamydia.

[B]

She said the only way we can

[J]

use a condom is if I go and get a lambskin condom. Lambskin condoms are easier to shoot through than Donald Trump. Security.

[A]

Yeah. Juan. Denmark. I like it. The first rock solid set of the night. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. It's one of you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very exciting. Absolutely.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

I dated a black. That guy.

[J]

Make some noise for white women dating black guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Welcome to the show. Juan, you are very, very funny. How long you been doing standup?

[J]

Three and a half years.

[A]

Where at?

[J]

Portland, Oregon.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing. Juan, stick with me over here. See? You still live in Portland.

[J]

I do, I do.

[A]

What do you like about Portland?

[J]

White women who date black guys.

[A]

Okay, but seriously, what has you in Portland? That's where you were born and raised.

[J]

No, no, I was born in Berlin, Germany.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. All right.

[J]

Born in. That's the death place of Adolf Hitler, if you guys didn't know that.

[A]

No, we know.

[J]

Oh, I know.

[A]

You know we know. Yeah.

[J]

No, you know.

[A]

Absolutely. You know me. Old Nazi rally. Tony, over here, dude. You know me? Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. You been. You've been watching that Portland local news. I can tell.

[J]

Where my Puerto Ricans at?

[A]

Okay. What do you think? It's free ticket night. They're not here.

[B]

No.

[A]

All right. Juan. Denmark. You look neither like a Juan or that you're from Denmark. This is incredible. What a name. It's like my name being.

[J]

I just found out.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right. Okey dokey. I guess so. All right. So that was. That's big news. So, Juan, what do you do for work in Portland, Oregon?

[J]

I go to school full time to become a clinical psychologist. So if anybody needs help, come see me in a few years. That's not. If you need help. If you need help.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

I go to the.

[C]

Imagine getting mental help from someone that was doing comedy on Kill Tony.

[A]

Well, I'd rather it be Juan than any of the other bucket pools here tonight, I'll tell you that. Look at Macey. Yo. Shaking his head. Oh, he's smiling now. Once I pointed at him. He's started Smiling. But I looked over there. I just saw this. Me.

[D]

Me.

[J]

Cornell. See?

[B]

See?

[J]

See?

[A]

The hell are they saying?

[J]

Okay.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

He's smart. Hell.

[A]

Big Mike, what did he just say to him? I. I couldn't tell what you said, bro.

[J]

Carnel.

[A]

Oh, yeah. It's like a home. Oh, okay.

[J]

It's my. In Spanish.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[E]

All right.

[B]

Yeah, Carnell.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

What's up par now? Yeah. Why Hell Duolingo, nigga. Hell yeah.

[J]

Nigga lingo.

[B]

Hell yeah. I like this shit.

[C]

Why do I feel like it's the same exact word in Spanish?

[A]

I love it. So how long you been going to school for that, Juan?

[J]

This is my senior year now, so. Three years. Yeah. I'll graduate next this year, technically.

[A]

And you're really passionate about that, huh?

[J]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I served 12 years in the military, so. Yeah, I know people need.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. Amazing. What branch of the military were you. Were you. Were you in the German military?

[J]

No, no, I wasn't. I was in the army. I was an Army Ranger.

[A]

Okay. Unbelievable.

[K]

Right there.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You saw me. Absolutely incredible.

[B]

Yeah.

[J]

You know where we were?

[B]

My army?

[J]

Anybody in the army in this? Yeah, that's what's up.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Our other comedians tonight only served fried pickles. This is incredible. Have a real hero up here.

[J]

I serve. I serve raw pickle.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[J]

With a condom on it. God damn it.

[A]

Okay, forget about the condom. That condom looks like it's been through a lot. I gotta tell you, the. Did you microwave that thing?

[J]

Listen, Tony, I got you. That's why you keep three in the stash.

[A]

Jesus. All. All three of them look heavily damaged. Listen, those things look like they were. Looks like you let Mr. G's cats play with us.

[B]

Yo, have you.

[J]

Have you made fun of this yet?

[A]

It's the first thing I did when I came out.

[B]

Holy. You.

[A]

Hell yeah. That's Scam Patterson right there.

[B]

Hey, that my cousin, man. My cousin.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

That my Gemini twin.

[J]

Real.

[A]

So how long are you in Austin, Texas for, Juan?

[J]

Until next Tuesday. Until next Tuesday.

[A]

Next Tuesday. Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing stuff. How much time do you think you've. How long of a set would you be comfortable doing that you think is good?

[J]

Whatever anyone would pay me for, I'm doing.

[A]

Well, that's not really comedy for how works. That's. That's a terrible answer.

[J]

30 minutes. I could do 30.

[A]

Have you done 30 minutes?

[J]

I've done 50. I just did 50 two weeks ago in Eugene, Oregon.

[A]

Okay. And that went good. The whole set through it.

[J]

Did I was surprised. It's my first time pushing it that far. But usually between 20 to 30 is where I'm like, I make my money for sure. So I can just fuck around with niggas like this. He's 10 minutes, Tony. This is 10 minutes.

[A]

Oh, I know, I know. It's amazing.

[J]

This nigga's got a shirt with himself on it twice.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, there's. I have a.

[J]

There's five minutes.

[A]

My fan base is retarded. It's incredible. Juan, I think you're so funny. Since you're gonna be here next Monday, I'm gonna give you an automatic minute next Monday. How about that? You will have an automatic spot on the show.

[B]

Fuck yeah.

[A]

And I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

[B]

Boom.

[A]

Juan Denmark picking up gigs. And Juan here's a big joke buck. Juan Denmark, everybody. Wow. It is possible that there are some good comedians in this bucket. This is a very, very exciting bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. This guy. I mean, it's incredible. Literally, my first friend in stand up comedy. I can't believe he signed up for the show. This is amazing. We've been doing stand up together for 17, almost 18 years. Exactly. Door guides together at the Comedy Store. Former roommate of mine, I used to live in the living room 17 years ago. And he's here to do a minute. Make some noise for Matt Edgar, everybody. Comedy Store regular mothership. Regular. Must be bored on a Monday. Signing up for Kill Tony. One more time for Matt Edgar, everybody.

[L]

Thank you, everybody. Thank you. I just moved to Austin a year ago. Yeah, it's so gay. I mean, every. Every weekend there's a march or a parade. When I was a kid, gay was like an insult.

[A]

Now it's a party.

[L]

Give them an inch. And they're gonna try to suck it. I'll tell you the gayest thing I've ever done. Tony was there. We performed in the La Jolla Comedy Store, and it was me, Tony, our friend Benji Aflalo. And they put us up in a hotel room that only had two beds. That's three dudes, two beds. Found out how to make it not gay. You just take the two beds, push them together. Three dudes, one bed cancels out any potential gayness.

[A]

This is absolutely true. Matt Edgar, ladies and gentlemen. Was Benji in the middle or was I in the middle?

[L]

That'd be Benji.

[A]

I think it was Benji.

[L]

Yeah, we put the Jew in the middle.

[A]

That's true. This way he couldn't escape. D Madness has heard enough gay references. In a minute. There Goes Famous homophobe D Madness. The biggest homophobe on this stage. Wait, turn around. D. Well, I guess you don't know which way around is D Madness. I'm not gay. Unbelievable. Famous homophobe D Madness. He doesn't see color, but he smells gayness and he has smelt it here tonight. Matt Edgar, we could go on and on with gay stories with me and you. It is incredible. I once caught him. We got into a two man bicycle accident and I caught him in midair. Now cradled his head.

[L]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

We could give the Internet trolls all the fuel they've ever asked for here while being two straight men that everybody thinks is gay. So, Maddie boy, I love it. That was a fantastic set. All is true. You guys know Matt Edgar. So where do we even begin? Maddie boy?

[L]

I mean, God, yeah.

[A]

Friends with Ari. Maddie served up Ari. Maddie on a platter to me, telling me how absolutely hilarious he is before I even got to see him.

[L]

You're welcome, everybody.

[A]

Yeah, I saw. It's true.

[L]

I saw Ari madding. Like he said. We've been doing this about 18 years and it's. It's hard to get inspiration, you know, when you come here every single night. And I saw Ari go up before me here in little boy, and I was like, dude, this is the guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

And I had to tell him. And now look at it.

[A]

No doubt. No brainer. Rockstar served it up on a silver platter, Matty. What else is going on in life? What else is shaken?

[L]

You know what? I'm just recovering from a very fun New Year's Eve thanks to you guys. You hosted something amazing. Yeah, that was such an awesome show.

[A]

You got to meet the undertaker.

[L]

I met the fucking undertaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He. I shook his hand and his fingers go all the way to my elbow.

[A]

He's the man and life is good. I don't even know what else to talk about with you because we talk all the time.

[L]

I mean, dude, that the. The bike crash was hilarious.

[A]

It really was. Fun fact. We were going the same direction, talking about stuff on a sidewalk, going down

[L]

Sunset, riding our bikes on a sidewalk

[A]

from work back to our apartment side by side. And our handlebars touched ever so slightly. My. I was on the left side, so my right handlebar touched his left handlebar. And what happens is there's a. There's an electricity that happens when two handlebars touch. And when you try to go the other way, you push, you put. So we. Our tires ended up going out and then into Each other. And it all happens. So when we're launched at this point, we're up in the air. And all we did our first many years. In fact, it continues today, now that I think about it. But all we've ever done is laugh together.

[E]

I did.

[A]

And there was nothing. There was nothing else I could do because his head was already kind of in my hand and we were falling like. I swear to God, we were already laughing while we were still in the air. We knew we were about to hit straight cement. No, I mean we're in the air.

[K]

Time.

[L]

Time stood still.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

And he literally mid air cradles my head like a baby. And I look in deep into his beautiful blue eyes. And I knew in that moment we were best friends.

[A]

And let me remind you all, we were working at the Comedy Store every single day and night together. And living a nightlife of pure comedy. Out with Don Barris and Brian Holtzman and the late, great Brody Stevens every night until 3, 4, 5am and waking up at 11 the next day to go to the Comedy Store, answer the phones and do it again. And in a beautiful world of comedy, sometimes you get into a bicycle accident that just. And we laid on that sidewalk laughing. And I kept the cradle for a while. We laid there. We laid there just cracking. Can you believe we landed like this? It's incredible. We don't have video of it, but

[L]

it stays with me forever. I could go right into that moment at any second if we only had

[A]

a big soft thing to land on, like, Red Band. What was it like living with Tony?

[L]

It was great, actually.

[A]

The.

[L]

The bathroom was in my room.

[A]

Yeah, I'd have to tiptoe through Matt's bedroom to go to the bathroom.

[L]

Yeah. And that's when I knew it was time to get up every morning at 1pm when Tony had to pee.

[A]

That's it.

[L]

And we got up great times living with them.

[A]

At one point, there were five committees, maybe six comedians. We just could not. We realized that if we just kept adding roommates, we could save like 100 or $200 a month. Yeah, we came up with this brilliant business model until the end when the whole thing went kaboom.

[L]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you guys ever fight?

[L]

Yeah, there was one.

[A]

What was the one?

[L]

I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but I remember you said something to me like, yeah, well, I went to Big Boy College.

[A]

Wow, that stuck with you, huh?

[B]

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh,

[A]

where you went to some, like, Beach Community College?

[L]

Yeah, I went to lbcc.

[C]

How is that the most Savage roast Tony's ever done.

[A]

Well, it sounds like he went to where Snoop Dogg's a professor, so LBCC is amazing.

[L]

Blunt rolling 101. It was great.

[K]

I love it.

[L]

Do you remember there was another fight in Portland, Texas, in line at a. Oh, my God.

[A]

This we should talk about. They would not believe this. And only seeing you and feeling our energies, will it even make sense to the people? So this is perfect. We were opening for a comedian. This is God Damn again, like 17, 16 years ago. We barely even belonged on the road opening for anybody. So we were so grateful to have this opportunity. We drove. We all took turns driving this headliner to the far. Even farther east than here of Texas. What was it again? Corpus Christi.

[L]

Corpus Christi was. But it was the show. But Gary in Portland, Texas.

[A]

Portland, yes.

[L]

It was the first time I've ever been to Texas.

[A]

Yeah, me too, I think. Yeah. And so we do the show, we had drinks, we had a lot of fun. And our buddy insisted that we have to try a place that we had never heard of called Whataburger. And there we are in line, talking about pro wrestling, goofing around, you know, doing whatever we were doing. He's. He was wearing, I believe, the same jeans he's wearing now, skinny jeans. My jeans were probably skinnier. It was a different time, needless to say, in Texas, maybe we kind of stood out a little bit. And we're in line at Whataburger, and I'll never forget, we're goofing around in line, goofing around in line. And it's late. It's like 2, 2:30 or whatever. And I placed my first Whataburger order. And I hand over the $5 bill. Never forget the $5 bill. And at that moment, the lady takes the $5 bill. This is back when you paid with cash at times. And a voice goes, he won't be needing that food. You can give him back that $5 bill. And I'm thinking to myself, what the fuck? And there's a giant police officer over my shoulder. And the lady goes. And she hands me the five dollar bill. I take it. And we're like, what's the problem, basically? And the cops, like, don't even talk to me. If you guys say another word, you're gonna be under arrest. And we're like, okay. So we walk outside. The headliner buddy of ours, who I think we were supposed to order food for, was coming in behind us, goes, where are you guys going? Where's your food? He's on a Cell phone. And we go, we just got kicked out. And he is friends with the mayor of Portland, Texas.

[L]

We were with the mayor.

[B]

Was.

[L]

We were with.

[A]

Well, we were with them earlier in the night, right? And we were staying at his house, I believe.

[G]

Correct?

[A]

Oh, wait, yes. We were supposed to stay at his house that night. And so my friend, my buddy goes to the cop and he goes, what the is the deal? These are my good friends. They're visiting from California. This is their first Whataburger experience. Why are you kicking them out? And this cop goes, if you say one more word to me, I'm gonna put you under arrest. And he goes, well, you don't know who you're with. And the cops, like, you're under arrest. You're under arrest. You get over here. He cuffs them, puts them in the car. He literally calls the mayor, who comes and picks us up. And again, we're like, man, this cop's gonna be, like, in trouble. He doesn't know who he's with. Anyway, long story short, he gets out of jail that night, comes to the house, we have more drinks, which is crazy. The next day, we have to go to Houston or something like that. We're driving to another city, hungover as. And the headliner gets a phone call. And he goes, you guys, shut up. Because we're. Again, we've just been giggling for 18 years together. So he goes, you guys shut up. This is the chief of police calling. I'm going to find out what the really happened last night. And he goes, what's up, Chief? And. And it's on speakerphone. And Sophia matter in the backseat. Like, here we go. And he goes, man, what the hell happened last night? Why did I get arrested? And the voice, the chief of police goes, well, yeah, I talked to the officer. He said there were a couple. It's fighting at a Whataburger. Rolling around at a whataburger, and they were doing some kind of horse play or something like that.

[L]

He wasn't wrong.

[A]

Yeah. Cut to me and Matt cracking up and the headliner being like, shut up.

[B]

You're on speakerphone.

[A]

We didn't even, like, know what speakerphone was at the time because we were just children. D Madness is back. You say it three times, he pops back like homophobic Beetlejuice. So, yeah, we could go on and on with our childhood stories. Maddie, so fun to have you.

[L]

So good to be your dad.

[A]

We'll do this more often. We'll get you on panel sometime soon. We'll jam. Appreciate that.

[L]

I'm so proud of you, dude.

[A]

Thank you. I love you, brother. Thank you. We love you, Matt Edgar, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. All right, here we go. Back to complete strangers. That's what a wild, wild transition. Make some noise for your next comedian. Will Merrick, everybody. Will Merrick.

[I]

What's up, guys? This is. This is my impression of Italian Bill Cosby.

[A]

Agape.

[I]

It's good to be here. I thank you, guys. Thank you so much. I stopped watching the news recently. I feel like they're not talking about the important stuff on the news. They're never talking about how Bill Cosby's out of prison, you know, never talking about how he might be Italian. They're never talking about how Shel Silverstein would be, like, the perfect name for a Jewish turtle. You know? Don't worry, guys. I'm allowed to do that joke. My mom is actually a turtle, so it's fine. I've got the Reptile Pass. It's very good. It's very nice. I'm a confused man. A lot of the time. I don't really know what's going on much. One of my friends the other day was trying to talk to me about Wyoming. I was like, pretty sure his name's pronounced Yao Ming. That's not even kind of close. Where's the W, Sir? Explain. Where the P. F Chang. Stop, sir. We're not gonna watch Yellowstone. That's ridiculous. I would never do that. All right, we'll call it there. Thank you so much.

[A]

We'll call it there. Will Merrick. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Some topical Shel Silverstein and Bill Cosby impressions. So, Will, how long have you been doing stand up?

[I]

Almost four years. Where at three and a quarter here. I started in Virginia, but, like, barely back then.

[A]

Okay, have you been on this show before?

[I]

Three years ago.

[A]

Okay, what did we find out then? What did we talk about? What was the interview portion like?

[I]

I think you called me vitamin deficient. I

[D]

still.

[I]

Probably true. I'm from Charlottesville, Virginia. We talked a bit about the. The fun rally we had.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, how the tides have turned.

[I]

Yeah, pretty much that. I think I.

[A]

So how's life changed in the three years since you've been on?

[I]

Slightly less bad now. I still live here. Still the same job at a restaurant. Yeah, I play saxophone, too. We talked about that. I didn't bring it last time. I didn't bring it this time either. But you guys have much better player here. I do get to play saxophone for the Absolute Show. It's a show that Lucas McCurry and Liz do at the creek.

[A]

So that's fun. Yeah, that's fun. Okay. All right. What else do you do for fun when you're not playing sex or doing standup?

[I]

I, I play basketball. I like to get high and play chess and do very badly. That's kind of a fan.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Make it harder on myself.

[B]

Yeah.

[I]

Go on walks, you know, really exciting stuff. Really super, you know, Buy weird sweatpants. I don't know, I don't know. Mostly just the stand up and saxophone, I guess.

[A]

What's your love life like, Will?

[I]

Lazy. I don't know. I don't try very hard. As far as acquiring, can you give

[A]

us an example of a time in which you could have tried but you didn't, where you're like, man, what's wrong with me? Why didn't I fucking.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

How about a time where you did try?

[I]

I did try. Well, see it probably. This is tough. This is tough. I always thought I'd be wearing a suit doing this. I should have dressed up more to talk about this embarrassing stuff. I don't know, I don't try at all. I don't know if I can come up with a time. I usually just, you know, I used to be a fat kid and then I got less fat and I thought it'd work out. And then you realize you still have to try and it really is disappointing.

[D]

Yeah.

[I]

So now I just figure maybe I'll just do stand up and one day when I'm 50, I can get married. Then that's how it right. You just commit to this life and then it works out eventually. Hopefully. I think maybe not.

[A]

Have you ever been with a woman before? Well, yeah. Like how, for sure. How long ago was that? When did that happen for you?

[I]

You know? Well, I, I've, I've hooked up with a coach, coworker. I, I, you know, I, but it was always like someone would have to tell me. They're kind of interested first.

[A]

What do you mean you fucked up with a co worker?

[I]

I hooked up with a co worker.

[A]

Oh, you hooked up with a co worker? What industry was that? In the restaurant?

[I]

Yeah, restaurant.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Okay. And that happened at your place?

[I]

Yeah, my place, but it was just, you know, I'm not gonna go out there and try and risk it. You just wait until you're like, I should, I should have sex with a co worker. That's what you do, right? That's the smart decision. You do come.

[A]

Was that only a one time thing? The sex with a co worker?

[I]

Nah, the lot you Know.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[I]

Not in a cool way.

[A]

Just, you know, anything other than missionary position with you. You seem like a guy that just goes missionary, stares deep in the eyes, and comes immediately.

[I]

Eye contact is difficult. Yeah, no, I. I'm more of a. Yeah, no, I like that one. Like I said, lazy. If they're down to go on top, that's pretty cool, too.

[A]

I.

[I]

They aren't.

[B]

Yay.

[I]

I'm just saying, you know, I'm trying to mix it up. I. No, it's pretty boring. It's pretty boring. I. I don't like to ask for things again. I. I'm just grateful to be there. I'm grateful. The opportunity. Don't want to ruffle any feathers.

[A]

Wow. You know, you are.

[I]

Appreciate it.

[A]

A hero for all mute autistic people out there. Incredible. Did you get a joke book a while ago.

[I]

A very little one. It was so bad last time.

[A]

It was. It was. It was that bad?

[I]

I thought so. I don't know. I was. I mean, I'd been here for like six months and it showed.

[A]

How do you feel like it went this time? Better.

[I]

Which isn't saying much. You know, Interview still about as awkward as last time.

[A]

Yeah. You're terrible at it.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

It almost seems like you have no idea what show you're going on or that you might have to be.

[I]

I don't watch this as much as I should.

[A]

You don't need to watch it to be able to answer questions very simply. You give us nothing to work with as well.

[I]

All right.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Anything crazy about your life that you wish you would have mentioned last time you were on, where you're like, wow, that could have gone better if I would have mentioned that entertaining, fun fact about the time that I did this or that or my family this or my upbringing that or my hometown this or.

[C]

I was on top once.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[I]

One time I was on top. No, I. I don't think so. I think my life. I had a friend tell me, actually, you shouldn't prepare for this, which is the worst advice I've ever had. Just go into the interview, and they'll. They'll ask you questions, and you respond, and it's not going well, so I think I should have prepared something.

[A]

You didn't really have to prepare. You could also just be loose and say that you do things other than stand up and saxophone.

[I]

Oh, okay. I thought you told me not to stand up anymore. I.

[A]

Okay, there he goes. Will everybody. There he goes. There he goes. Oh, wow. It's amazing when Maceo Mr. G and Bobby T absolutely dominate you in interview. Skills. Maceo over there like, hey, I didn't do that bad. Holy. Good job, Macy. Man, that guy was a can of water. All right. Hey, we're having fun tonight. It's proof anything can happen. Make some noise for Ty Marion, everybody. Ty Marion is next.

[H]

This summer, I was dating a black chick ski. I know that's surprising for some because I've been told I look like I gotta pay for sex. But I don't understand why you would pay for something that you can just go take. Anyways, my Nubian princess and I, we wanted to spice up our sex life. So we got these little cards to tell you what to do to one another. But they were crazy. One night I got one that said, tie up your partner and whip them. And with that racial dynamic, I was hesitant.

[A]

I fucking did it.

[H]

When it was done, I asked her how it was, and she was like, shit, it wasn't that bad.

[D]

And I kind of liked it.

[H]

But why did you keep calling me Toby? She used to make me so mad, though, because she was late for everything. And then she explained to me, there's this thing called colored people time. I said, all right. For future reference, then, can you explain to me exactly how long a cotton

[D]

pick a minute is?

[A]

Thank you. All right, Ty Marion, welcome. Welcome to the show. You did really good for a guy with such a sad face. Thank you, sir. That is absolutely incredible. Have you always looked like that, Ty?

[H]

No, when I was younger, I looked worse, I think.

[A]

Really? Wow. Okay. So it's getting better. Very.

[H]

I'm one of these people that ages

[A]

a little bit better than okay. I like it. I like the confidence. Absolutely. Ty, what ethnicity are you? What ethnicity?

[H]

This is one of your favorite questions to ask me. I'm just white.

[A]

You've been on this show before?

[H]

Yeah, it's my third time.

[A]

Okay, perfect. I don't know how I forgot that face, but it is incredible.

[H]

It's a lot fatter.

[A]

Okay. You're losing weight.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

I just lost 41 pounds.

[A]

Wow. Congratulations, Cam Patterson. What do you think about this guy?

[B]

So we just gonna skip the set?

[A]

Nigga, go right ahead if you want to cover. You could talk about it if you want.

[B]

Guy. He ended with cotton picking minute.

[A]

Oh, what is that? I've never heard of that before. And I was.

[B]

It's funny.

[J]

It's funny.

[B]

But as a young black man in America, I gotta sit here and go like this while he doing it.

[J]

But it was.

[B]

I liked it. It was very fun.

[A]

Like I can control what these people are gonna say.

[B]

I don't know. I liked it. I thought. I thought it was fun. But that's a young black man like this dude.

[A]

Have you ever heard of a cotton picking minute before, Tony?

[B]

No. What the.

[A]

You heard of this, John? Okay, John has heard it. What do you think a cotton picking minute is, John? I don't know, but every time I hear you, you have to wait. So it's like you have to wait for some cheese. What do you mean wait?

[B]

A cotton picking minute in the fridge.

[A]

Oh, now wait just a cotton picking mitten. Is it normally black people saying this?

[C]

Well, in that case, wait just a cotton picking minute.

[J]

Hold on.

[B]

Kick.

[A]

Cam.

[C]

Cam, where's your grill? You can't take out your grill halfway through the show.

[B]

What groove?

[A]

Wait. Yeah, Where'd your grill go?

[B]

What grill?

[C]

You can't bail on your grill.

[B]

What are you. What are you talking about?

[A]

This is incredible.

[B]

I'm an educated young black man in America. I read books. I read books.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Well, I don't have a grill. I'm a. What?

[C]

Why did you bail on it?

[A]

It's a magic trick. It's a magic trick. Ty. Marion's about to smile and there's going to be a gold grill there. How the hell did they do that? Now wait just a cotton picking minute. So you. You heard this girl say that or did you say it? What was the part of the joke again?

[H]

She was always late for everything.

[D]

Okay.

[H]

And there's a thing that's called colored people time or black people time. And it's a real thing, man. I've had roommates that are black. Never on time. We were late for everything.

[A]

Cam Patterson.

[J]

Wait.

[B]

Hey, put the girl back in. Okay, Wait a minute. Now wait a minute. Hold up. Wait a minute. I'mma put it back in. But hold up. Tony, what time the show started today?

[A]

The show started on time. And was I here? You were here earlier.

[B]

God damn right.

[A]

As always.

[B]

Here early as be early sometimes.

[A]

Yep. John D's also here. Early. D Madness here. Shockingly early.

[C]

Wrong.

[H]

Hey.

[B]

Labor to wrong.

[H]

Hey, it's New Year's resolution, I'm assuming, right?

[F]

No.

[A]

Hilarious.

[B]

That was good. You got me. You got me on that one.

[A]

Ty Marion with a great line. Have you always been on time, Cam?

[B]

Yeah, I've always been on time.

[A]

But let me ask you something. Do you feel the urge, like in your blood sometimes to just be a little late?

[B]

Yeah, when I'm having sex.

[A]

Oh, when I'm.

[B]

I'm always late. I don't know what that mean, but it's not.

[A]

Me neither.

[B]

It sounded cool as to say though, dog. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yep, it did. So cotton picking minute. What else. What else happened were you were really with a black woman?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was it your first black woman that you've been with? No. Geez, you say no like you've been with them all. No, I mean, do you prefer black women over white women?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, whoa.

[H]

Not, hey, not all white women.

[C]

Watch it.

[A]

Whoa. White. Whitey Cummings over here, representing the master race. Very well.

[H]

I mean, I'd give Whitney a chance, but I think we'd have to change her name to Whitney B. Cummings, you

[A]

know, I mean, whoa. This guy thinks he can make Whitney.

[C]

Nothing turns me on like racism. So I would fuck you in a heartbeat.

[A]

My goodness. What would your approach be with a woman like Whitney with a real powerful, you know, respected, funny, good sense of humor, good looking. I know for a fact she. From what I've heard. I'm just gonna say I know for a fact that, I mean, I know you. When you had the baby, you got a little. You mentioned in the green room you got a little.

[B]

Shut the fuck up. Okay, I pulled.

[A]

Might be crossing a line right now. I don't know what's fun for comedy and what's not, but I happen to know the thing is, it's ready to go.

[C]

Mommy. Mommy's doing her Kegels.

[A]

Yeah. All right. It is in shape. Awesome.

[H]

Fantastic.

[C]

You're not the only person that lost 44 pounds. I lost it in my.

[A]

So tell us, what would you do to please a woman like Whitney? First off, let's start. We'd put a bag over your head. Let's start there. And then what would you do?

[H]

Yeah, I'm not like. You're just big on like the sweetness or the wine and a dine or anything. We just go out, we'd have a good time.

[A]

Like what? What would you do if there's no whining and dining, what do you consider a good time?

[H]

You do something different because in Austin you can go view.

[A]

What are we talking about? Escape room.

[C]

You wouldn't pull out your deck of cards with ideas of how to a woman.

[H]

No, it was just cuz we were a little. Getting what? I don't know.

[A]

Okay, so no whining and dying. Did you say something about a mountain?

[H]

Yeah, that's like. I don't know what those rocks you can go climb, watch sunsets and so

[A]

you'd want to go see a sunset with her. Climb a mountain. So it's a very thrifty date.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

We do a picnic and make it somewhat sweet.

[A]

Okay. What would you. What would you put in the picnic basket?

[H]

I check with their dietary restrictions ahead of time.

[A]

Okay. All right. I think you're getting warmer here.

[H]

Charcuterie board. Give some cheese. I ain't trying to hear no farts or none of that. I'm trying to get some.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

What is cheaper than a picnic?

[A]

Like we're not going to arrest.

[C]

Well, it's gonna sit on the ground.

[A]

He could take you to Bobby T's for some fried pickles. You get five pickles for 5.49. $1.1 per pickle slice. You ever have fried pickles with a girl?

[H]

I don't like pickles.

[A]

You don't like pickles? What else don't you like?

[H]

Change the subject. But I'll tell you something I don't like. I don't like the dude that broke into where I worked a couple months ago.

[A]

Okay. Where do you work?

[H]

I work at a dispensary down here on 6th street, across from the Vulcan.

[A]

Okay, and what happened there exactly? What did he look like? Camp hat or Son?

[B]

Hey, hey. That guy had gold teeth in it when he did. Couldn't have been me at all. That guy had gold teeth? Well, no way.

[A]

He went. We are looking for a man, a

[C]

suspect with gold teeth or gold teeth in his pocket.

[B]

It's in your pocket. I don't know what you're talking.

[A]

Wait, that guy's gold teeth are out now, too. What the is going on over here? This is crazy. This is crazy. Okay, so seriously, what did the suspect look like? Did he look like Cam John Dees or D Madness? Oh, okay. It was a white dude. He was a white dude. Can you describe the white dude? He could be here. Let's find out. Nah, he ain't here.

[H]

He ain't no longer with us.

[A]

Oh, really? What happened to him?

[H]

Welcome to Texas.

[A]

Oh, what? What? Wait. It just a cotton picking minute. Hold on a second.

[C]

I think I'm gonna pass on the picnic.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

So what did you find the guy? What happened here?

[H]

I'll explain it to you. And if you want, because magic of editing, I can send you a clip that you can show on YouTube too.

[A]

You guys found the guy?

[H]

I was there. I have. We have security cameras. I happen to be looking at the camera because.

[A]

Oh, he broke in while you were there?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah.

[H]

I'm watching the camera and he comes up with a. He yanks Our door. We have to buzz you in. And he had a crowbar in his hand. He started smashing the window out. So the first time he swung, I was like that. It's on. So I took off. And we're upstairs. I was at the top of the stairs. He was at the middle. He slapped the crowbar against his hand. He said, I can't do this today. Which I don't know what the fuck that means. I just looked at him and I had some pepper spray at the time of my hand. I said, I can. And I sprayed him. We had some other stuff that happened for legal purposes. I'll omit. Yeah, he left, and about a block over here, he bled out.

[A]

Oh, he died.

[H]

Yeah. He ain't no longer with us.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Wow. That is our first admission of murder. Murder in the. In the show's history. Right when you think it's right when you think it's just your normal old comedy episode. Yeah, he ain't no longer with us. Was he. Was he homeless or did he have a family and kids like, wow, Red band. Trying to make it extra depressing over here. Oh, whoops. There you go.

[H]

Yeah, I think he was. I think he was homeless. But it was also the day that the Lions beat the Cowboys, like, 479 too. So that might have something to do with it.

[A]

Very good. All right. Yes. Sounds just like a football game. Amazing. Amazing. Okay, so you think he was homeless. You remember the who played football that day? What could he have gotten out of there if he would have been wildly successful?

[H]

Maybe like $200 and some weed, right?

[A]

Some Delta 8. It's not even real weed. Right? You're ca, right? Yeah, we don't like that. John D's being very vocal behind me. He is. That's me. He's our senior marijuana correspondent. There's a reason why he wears.

[H]

You can all boo it, but obviously it's to die for.

[A]

Whoa. All right. You already have a big joke book. There he goes, everybody. Ty, Marion. Doing it again. I pulled names until we got our first female comedian of the night, everybody. So here is a minute from Amanda, Mercedes. Everyone make some noise for Amanda. Mercedes. Mercedes, everybody. Amanda, Mercedes.

[F]

Hey, how's it going? So, as a strong, independent woman, I really look up to other females in male dominant positions. Not just in the bedroom, but, like, specifically in professions occupations. But recently there was a young girl in Wisconsin who shot up her Christian school. Not the direction of, you know, women taking on male dominant positions, as I thought. Because when I was 15, we were just kind of getting high in the bathroom. But maybe that's just the difference between Catholic schools and public schools. Yeah, that's what I got. I'm sorry.

[A]

All right. There you go. Whitney Cummings.

[C]

Keep it going for Taylor Binson, everybody.

[A]

Oh, there you go. There you go. My goodness gracious. Cam.

[B]

What's up, White?

[A]

How you doing?

[B]

That was horrible. But you look good.

[F]

Thanks.

[B]

You look good.

[F]

This is my first time on a stage without a pole.

[A]

We knew that. Oh, wait, you were on stage with a pole before? What. What the hell were you doing on stage with a pole? Was it. Were you a fireman or something like that? Get out of here. Sit down. What were you doing on stage with a pole? What would we talking about?

[F]

I was a young delinquent at the age of 18 and didn't really know what direction I wanted to go in.

[A]

Did you ever make more money than you did that year? No, just a little. Fun fact. What do you do for work now?

[F]

I work for a cannabis company.

[A]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Okay. What do you do for the cannabis company?

[F]

I'm their compliance officer.

[A]

So what exactly do you have to do?

[F]

I make sure that we follow the state rules and we don't sell over any overages and everybody gets to have fun and we get to stay open. Sell weed to Michigan.

[A]

Okay, so you're in the state of Michigan. This is a what a. This is what a Michigan 10 looks like, everybody. For those of you. What are you owing back there? What. So you still live in Michigan right now?

[F]

Yes, sir.

[A]

What brings you to Austin, Texas?

[F]

Came here to Kill Tony.

[A]

I love it. How long you been doing standup? Not at all. This is your first time on a stage without a poll, you said. So you came here to sign up to do Kill Tony?

[F]

Y.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. All right. You didn't practice anywhere else?

[F]

At work and at home and, you know.

[A]

All right.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you do for fun up in Michigan? Where you at? Ann Arbor.

[F]

West Michigan, North Michigan. Newo o.

[A]

All right.

[F]

Yeah. Yep. 14 degrees before I left here, so.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh. Okay. So what do you do for fun? What do you do? Ice fish or something.

[F]

Smoke weed. Go hiking, kayak in the summer.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Wintertime.

[A]

You hike a lot?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Michael, why'd you make that noise? Hold on a second. Let's check in with Mr. Nice Guy, Michael Gonzalez. Mr. Fitness. Big Mike. Michael Gonzalez. Why did you make that noise when I say you hike a lot? What do you think I was doing? You just pointed at her. Why would you point at her like that? Yeah, maybe you should keep Your mouth shut.

[B]

I think you look good.

[A]

Thanks, K. Yeah, of course I'm lying, but it's not. Yeah, you hike. I know you hike. You hike to the local ice cream shop. Oh, we're having fun. Shut up. She signed up for it.

[F]

I signed up for it.

[A]

You're damn right you did. Is that your real name? Amanda? Mercedes.

[F]

That's my middle name. Person. Middle.

[A]

Wow. Is that the name that you went by when you were a stripper Mercedes, or did you have a different stripper name? It was. Yeah, absolutely. Here she is, everybody. Mercy. I know she looks like a Kia, but it's a Mercedes here. It's a Mercedes, Everybody. Here comes Mercedes. 80s.

[F]

I'm more built like a Buick, but.

[A]

Yeah, there you go. Absolutely. You are. You have some tattoos there. What do you got there on your thigh?

[F]

Flower.

[A]

Little flower pot to cover up the fishy smells down there, huh? Oh, shut up. You guys are still groaning this deep into the episode. You guys are just appalled by what's happening up here.

[F]

I actually got a tattoo. Have a Bride of Frankenstein. I can make her twerk.

[A]

Whoa, you can make her twerk? Yeah. Let's see. Oh, it's not really doing anything at all. That's amazing.

[F]

My pants are kind of tight and I just got a tattoo on this side.

[A]

So what'd you get over there?

[F]

It's a broken flower pot.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

What does that represent to you Exactly?

[F]

I had 300 and wanted something.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Welcome to the never gonna get married club, babe.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Never gonna find it.

[F]

I live in a 35 foot camper with my dog, so I wasn't expecting that.

[A]

Yeah, I love it. What kind of dog is it?

[F]

She's adult, remember, man?

[A]

Okay.

[F]

She my baby.

[A]

All right. How. How. What do you guys you take her for?

[F]

We go for hikes.

[A]

Right, that explains the hike.

[F]

Yeah, we go for hikes and go to the beach.

[A]

Okay. The Michigan beaches. The beautiful beaches of Michigan. Just stand out there and fucking freeze your ass off for a bit and then, yeah, go back inside.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

So you live in a camper in Michigan. You're just like. This is like the Kid Rock origin story.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

This is amazing.

[F]

And what are some white trash.

[A]

What are some of your big goals? Like, what are you excited about? How old are you?

[F]

I'm 28.

[A]

28. So you have your whole life behind you, except for the 10 years. Except for the 10 years you just wasted. What are some big goals for you?

[F]

I'd like to travel. I'd like to own my own business. One day.

[A]

What type of business do you want to own?

[F]

Cannabis related. I mean, I've been in the industry this long, you know, consulting and.

[A]

Okay, you smoke a lot of pot. She wants her own cannabis business. Camp Patterson licking his golden grill.

[B]

Tell you what, out of business.

[A]

Cam Patterson. This could be good. Cam's Kush.

[B]

You wanna. You want some weed?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, we'll.

[F]

We grow the weed and we can like.

[A]

I know a place we could get some thca. You just gotta bust through the door and start going up the stairs. It's gonna be great.

[F]

Garbage.

[A]

No, you need the real stuff.

[F]

Yeah, I brought my own weed, so I was covered there.

[A]

You're damn right. Yeah.

[F]

Otherwise, kind of stuff, sad. The THCA scene.

[A]

I don't go near it.

[F]

No. Yeah.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[F]

Real joint. I got you.

[A]

What's wrong, John? You have your own THCA brand or something? I'm just.

[B]

I'm just so offended.

[A]

You're. Why are you offended? Talking to the microphone. I'm offended. What are you offended by? The weed here in Texas is way

[B]

better than the weed in Midwest.

[A]

But we're not talk. We. We agree. We do have better weed, but it all comes from Oklahoma. It's grown indoors. And the THC A is what we're talking about. Oh, okay, okay. Right.

[C]

You're offended by that, but not the colored people. Time.

[A]

This could be a good business. This could be a good business. You and Cam Patterson starting your own weed company. You can plant it. He could pick it. When the.

[B]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.

[A]

Wait a marijuana picking minute, all right? We're gonna keep it moving along. Amanda, Mercedes, congratulations. Here's a little joke book for you. Here you go. Amanda, Mercedes, everybody. And like that, we have done it. You know, William Montgomery is in Disney World, everybody, buddy. However, we do have a special treat for you. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, here to do a brand new minute. You might know the lyrics of his theme song. If you do, you can sing it along with us. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Campbell. Hey.

[K]

I'm glad we could have a woman up here so we could call her fat and ugly. I think men are just better than women at certain things.

[F]

Okay.

[K]

Sports, War, Ghostbusters, Ocean's Eleven. I'm glad that Trump won because.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Because Asians love a good wall. It'll be good to be on the north side of it for once. Asians love walls. We build them everywhere, even at the end of our runways. For some reason, That guy In New Orleans. Tried to run over as many people as possible. He couldn't kill as many people as an Asian dude running into a wall. I hope you guys weren't offended. I wouldn't want your buttholes to pucker up, end up looking like my eyes. That's how you get constipated. Can you imagine? I'm to the shit through these things.

[A]

And that's it. Okay, Hans Kim, that would be crazy having this through those eyes. It's a tight squeeze. How you doing, Hans?

[K]

I'm doing great.

[A]

Fun set. Way to do it.

[K]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

Of course.

[K]

It's an honor to be here.

[A]

Indeed, indeed. What's been going on with life, Hans Kim? Let's talk about it.

[K]

I recently went to Zilker. Enjoyed the last sunny day here yesterday. Flew my drone around. Dog bit my drone.

[A]

A dog bit your drone?

[K]

Yes.

[A]

What did you do to that dog? Did you eat it right there on the spot? You raw dogged it. Old sushi dog. Sushi dog.

[B]

You do not divide the Madronator.

[A]

What exactly did you do?

[K]

I was just like, did that happen? That was crazy.

[A]

You talked to the owner at all? The owner of the dog?

[K]

I was like, it's a couple propellers. I don't. I don't need to get it.

[A]

Did it ruin the propellers?

[K]

Yeah, I have replaced the propellers are the easiest things.

[A]

Right. Very replaceable. Amazing.

[K]

So no big deal.

[A]

You love flying your drone, don't you?

[K]

Oh, do I?

[A]

Oh, my goodness. An Asian man's delight.

[K]

You can annoy so many people at once.

[A]

Wow.

[K]

People hate drones.

[A]

Incredible.

[K]

They love planes. I have a. I have a RC plane that everyone loves that. But the drone, for some reason, the drone.

[A]

Asian people love drones because there's no traffic to run into up there. It's very hard to hit something in the sky. Amazing. Cam, what do you think about all this?

[B]

I told Hans that my teeth were permanent in the green room, and he just said, I'm sorry, and that was it. That's all I wanted to say.

[A]

You ever think about getting a grill, Hans?

[K]

Never. I have a bad gag reflex.

[A]

What the.

[B]

My goddamn throat. Niggas on my teeth. What are you talking about?

[A]

How bad is this gag reflex? You look like. Oh, my God. You're gagging right now. Thinking about it. Is this real? Oh, my God. You're. Is this. Are you gagging? Oh, my God. Is this real? What's happening? Oh, my God. This might be the greatest interview on Kill Tony history. You're just thinking about what your gag reflex would do if you had a grill in and you're gagging right now. Is that correct?

[K]

Yeah. I have a small mouth.

[A]

Oh, my God. His eyes are watering. There's tiny amounts of liquid compiling in the corners, which is.

[C]

Teach me. I need a husband. How do you do that?

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Oh, my God. He's now picturing a in his mouth, gagging. This is incredible. How is it possible that Hans Kim has the greatest interviews in the history of the show? You. We always find a way. Exactly. There's always, like, some new thing we didn't know. There's water running down his eyes. He's able to cry. Ironically, after saying that can't come out of his eyes, he's crying for the first time in the show's history.

[C]

Picturing all seasons are squirters. I knew it.

[A]

Just imagining having a grill in your mouth is setting off your gag reflex. Am I correct?

[L]

Yes.

[A]

Have you ever vomited from gagging hard? Yes, you have. So are there other things? What's your, like, your worst nightmare? What makes you gag the hardest? Can you tell us? Is there something, like, coming up here

[K]

kind of like, triggers me? Going up at the HB arena triggered me.

[A]

You gagged?

[K]

Yeah, I was wiping away tears.

[A]

Oh.

[K]

Before I went out.

[A]

My God. But is there anything else? Is there like a. Is there like, a nightmare situation for you where perhaps like, maybe one of those ball gags like that you strap around your head? Have you ever thought about having one of those in your mouth? Have you ever pictured being kidnapped and. And you're. And. And the perp puts an entire banana in your mouth at once? Fully skinned banana?

[K]

Yeah, just like the tongue scraper.

[A]

Oh, my God. So what would happen? What are you doing? Found this in my belly button. You think you would have. Oh, no, that's not really how it works. I don't think lint out of Red Band's belly button would.

[K]

All right.

[A]

Sushi. Oh, berry button sushi. This is incredible. Has what. Has there. Has there ever been at the front row is pointing at the tears rolling down Hans's face right now. This is an incredible moment. There are tears coming down both cheeks. Just let them fall, Hans. No more wiping. Those tears belong to me now. Has there ever been a time where your gag reflex has made you throw up in a public place?

[K]

Yeah, right up there.

[A]

What happened exactly?

[K]

Just with my girlfriend vaping and, you know, I think there was some cigarette smoke, and then I just, like, barfed into my water bottle and I threw it away.

[A]

When was that?

[K]

About three weeks ago.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. Unbelievable. Has there ever been a time where it was, like, in front of a lot of people

[K]

at the Vulcan, I would gag a lot and the staff would know. Oh, Hans is gagging again.

[A]

Oh, my God. How did I not know about this? Did you know about this?

[B]

No idea.

[A]

This is incredible that we're finding out such an amazing fun fact. Like the fact that I can make you. Have you ever thought about, like.

[B]

I swear to God.

[A]

Ha.

[B]

I punch in your reel, you throw up on me, huh?

[A]

Don't throw up on me, man.

[B]

I swear to God. I love you. Don't throw up on me.

[K]

I would never do that. I know it's a big deal in your culture.

[B]

What does that mean? Nobody like that. That's not even a. That's just nasty. In all races, I think in every race.

[A]

This is amazing. I'm trying to think of fun things that we could do with this right now. It's so hard to think about. Like, what's another nightmare situation for you?

[K]

The dentist. Oh, the orthodontist.

[A]

Oh, yeah. What. What part. What part of it affects you the most? Is it like someone touching your tongue or your back teeth or all of it. The thought of it is an X

[K]

ray where they show a little teeth.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Absolutely incredible. So you gag a lot at the dentist? Yeah. What do

[B]

you.

[A]

Oh. Oh. I can't tell you how much joy this brings me. Can you name a time? Exactly. Do the dentists do anything to help you with this?

[K]

No, they. They make it worse.

[A]

Yeah. How do they make it worse? By poking around in there. Huh?

[K]

Yeah. Just hold it for 10 more seconds.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. You know what I'm gonna do right now? I'm gonna give you the chance to win $100,000. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to take both of the grills that these guys have had in their mouths throughout the night, and if you can put them both in your mouth.

[B]

Trying to. Please don't do this

[A]

guy sucking. Oh, yeah. Hold. Hold that up to Hans's face real quick. Let's see. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to do that. There goes Hans Kim, everybody. We did it. Another episode. Whitney Cummings, tell these people what. What your. Where they can find you, where your podcast is everything.

[C]

Whitney Cummings. Dot com. You know, Google it.

[A]

She's on tour.

[C]

Love you guys.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

What's the podcast called again? I've never been on it.

[C]

I know, because I don't want to ruin our friendship by asking you to Come on. My podcast.

[A]

What is it called again?

[C]

Good for you podcast.

[A]

Good for you podcast. Whitney Cummings, one of the best. Best in the world. Make some noise for Whitney, everybody. Cam Patterson's on tour. He doesn't. Do you got a website yet?

[B]

Yeah. Camp patterson.com.

[A]

cam. Patterson.com Cam with a K. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Thank you to our audience, Red band. Check out sunsetstripatx.com.

[L]

love you guys.

[A]

There you go. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody, everybody. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everyone.

[B]

It.