#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Summary

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Kill Tony #701 – ANDREW DICE CLAY

Filmed at Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX – January 21, 2025
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guest Panelist: Andrew Dice Clay

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Episode Overview

This high-energy edition of Kill Tony features the legendary Andrew Dice Clay’s debut as the panel guest, joining hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban. Dice’s presence brings a mix of reverence, old-school bravado, and sharp comedic takes, while a parade of bucket comics—many doing stand-up for the first time—take their shot on the world’s biggest live comedy podcast stage. The episode is filled with raw, unpredictable, and sometimes heartfelt moments, making it a wild ride through the comic underbelly of Austin, and a showcase of Dice’s still-potent authenticity.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedic Highlights

1. Legendary Guest Introduction

• Tony Hinchcliffe introduces Andrew Dice Clay with reverence, marking Clay as both Comedy Store royalty and the first comedian to sell out an arena.
• Tony explains the thrill of performing in front of Dice, referencing how comics will be “looking down the barrel of Andrew Dice Clay” after their set. (05:36)

“He is undisputedly one of the greatest comedians of all time… Make some noise for Dice.” — Tony Hinchcliffe (03:30)

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2. Standout Comic Sets & Panel Commentary

Cam Patterson opens the show (06:51–14:02):

• Roasts Rochester, NY and a fan’s angry Instagram reply.
• Describes his “reformed thug” past and new life in comedy.
• Dice offers real encouragement:

“This guy has more stage presence and knowing how to work the audience... than I’ve seen out of a lot of comics doing it for 15 years.” — Andrew Dice Clay (11:12)

Misty B — First-Time Comic & Kidney Transplant Story (15:19–25:52):

• Misty’s first time on stage doubles as a plea for a kidney donation (A positive, Houston, TX area).
• Quirky banter about frothy urine and kidney disease.
• Dice is supportive:

“To have the guts to come out here… you should be proud of yourself.” — Andrew Dice Clay (21:01)

Carl Kurz — Prison Stories (27:51–43:13):

• Shares drug smuggling methods (via the “prison wallet”), wild criminal past, and eventual recovery.
• Hilarious stories: shoving bugler tobacco, weed, and more up his ass; a failed Home Alone-style break-in; showering with the judge who sentenced him.
• Dice, stunned and entertained, highlights the absurd details:

“That’s a lot of stuff to get your asshole… you should pay a toll to go in.” — Andrew Dice Clay (30:12)

Special Appearance – Whitney Cummings (45:33–47:58):

• Roasts Tony’s run-ins with Trump rallies, awkward celebrity, and his “not racist—just looks racist” demeanor.

“Tony Hinchcliffe is not racist, okay? He just looks racist.” — Whitney Cummings (46:23)

Run of First-Timers and Novices

• Dante (street jokes directly to impress his fiancée): Panel calls out non-originality. Dice jokes about second marriages and baggage. (48:50–55:03)
• Mike Jones: Graphic “gay baby delivery” bit. Dice and Tony tag-team ridicule. (57:11–60:41)
• General theme: a surprising number of first-time performers, a mix of nerves, ambition, and cringe.

Candace August — Black Thighs, Ozempic, and Marital Life (60:58–72:22)

• High-energy, seasoned set about pandemic hypocrisy, weight loss (Ozempic), and the “darkness” of her thighs.
• Crowd and hosts are relieved: “A breath of fresh air.”
• Reveals her husband is Indian—played for big laughs about call-center stereotypes and dating-site horror stories.
• Dice applauds her genuine presence and thick-woman appreciation:

“Me, I like them thick and beefy… thicker than you! I’m talking two feet deep from belly to back with a triple chin on the back of her head.” — Andrew Dice Clay (70:03)

JP Lambiase — Adopted Asian-Italian Comic (83:33–98:02)

• Asian comic adopted by Italian family, reflecting on identity, lawsuits with ex-fiancée, and being “outed as gay” in a text bid to get his phone back.
• Dice and Tony riff on Asian/Italian tropes, accents, and the chaos of ex-relationship drama.

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3. Other Memorable Performers

• Christina Mariani (99:05–106:42):
  • Delivers clever bits about dating Asian men (“so, technically I’m still a virgin”) and her own racism; dice and panel are effusive.
  • Insight into overcoming anxiety, the Austin comedy scene, and juggling therapy.

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4. Panel Banter, Quotes & Running Gags

Dice’s Mom-Jokes and Old-School Energy

• Dice’s banter is classic and self-referential—an undiminished mix of tough love and quick jabs.

“How do you know you’re not gonna have more kids? … There might be some more kids.” — Dice, on second marriages (52:06)

Host Dynamics

• Tony and Redban mix support with roasting, keeping the pace lively and unpredictable.
• Tony, at times, exclaims about the quantity of oddballs and first timers:

“People used to come on this show to, like, try to make it… now it’s people, ‘I got a new card game, I need a kidney!’” — Tony Hinchcliffe (59:31)

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5. Notable Quotes & Moments

Panel Praise and Critique

• Dice’s honesty and old-school standards are clear: he praises natural performers and doesn’t hesitate to call out hackery or poor delivery.
• Redban’s running joke about frothy pee and the “bubbly urine” fetish (17:01, 22:05) stays on-brand.

Heartfelt and Surreal Moments

• Misty B’s appeal for a kidney and Carl’s harrowing/criminal backstory provide depth amid the fun.
• Tony reassures Misty:

“Whoever in Houston donates their kidney, we’ll put you on a guest list for a Kill Tony show. How about that?” — Tony (26:01)

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6. Dice’s Reflections on the Night (107:12–108:33)

• Dice warmly compliments the experience:

“It’s been an incredible experience for me.” — Andrew Dice Clay (107:55)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:38] Dice's Comedy Crime Confusion
• [06:51] Cam Patterson’s set & Dice praise
• [15:19] Misty B’s stand-up/kidney story
• [27:51] Carl Kurz’s prison tales
• [45:33] Whitney Cummings’ roast cameo
• [48:50] Dante & Dice on fiancées and second marriages
• [57:11] Mike Jones’ explicit set & critique
• [60:58] Candace August’s high-energy set & banter
• [83:33] JP Lambiase on adoption & ex-drama
• [99:05] Christina Mariani’s set & panel analysis
• [107:12] Closing gratitude and plugs

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Final Thoughts & Recap

• Dice’s Debut was both historic and dynamic—he alternated between mentor and roaster, providing instant analysis, encouragement, and cutting humor.
• Several comics offered deeply personal material—from organ failure to surviving prison—striking a unique tone for the episode.
• Women (notably Candace August, Christina Mariani, Whitney Cummings) were standouts, with Tony noting “three out of the top four sets were women—statistically incredible.”
• Whitney’s surprise roast, Redban’s gross-out riffs, and the ever-rotating stream of vulnerable, inexperienced comics cement the night as unpredictably classic Kill Tony.

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Notable Quotes Table

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|------------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:30 | Tony Hinchcliffe | “He is undisputedly one of the greatest comedians of all time… Make some noise for Dice.”| | 11:12 | Andrew Dice Clay | “This guy has more stage presence... then I’ve seen out of a lot of comics doing it for 15 years.” | | 21:01 | Andrew Dice Clay | “To have the guts to come out here… you should be proud of yourself.” | | 30:12 | Andrew Dice Clay | “That’s a lot of stuff to get your asshole… you should pay a toll to go in.” | | 46:23 | Whitney Cummings | “Tony Hinchcliffe is not racist, okay? He just looks racist.” | | 59:31 | Tony Hinchcliffe | “People used to come on this show... Now it’s people, ‘I got a new card game, I need a kidney.’” | | 70:03 | Andrew Dice Clay | “Me, I like them thick and beefy… thicker than you!... With a triple chin on the back of her head.” | | 107:55 | Andrew Dice Clay | “It’s been an incredible experience for me.” |

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In summary: Kill Tony #701 is an epic, unpredictable, and deeply human episode, made unforgettable by the unique presence of Andrew Dice Clay, a run of real-life grit and heartfelt stories, and the continued wild unpredictability of the Kill Tony bucket.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in

[A]

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian ribbing, everybody. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, everyone. They've been playing for you here in the live music capital of the world. That is Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez. Unbelievable. Big Mike is with us. Look at him, just bigger than ever. There's medium Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, Generous John Dees on the key. Everyone knows how generous he is, known for his generosity and how loud can. I mean, it's the real deal. What can I say? It is indeed. D madness on the bass guitar. Oh, yeah. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Wow, everyone's in a while. You know, sometimes it's booked a month out, sometimes this, sometimes that. Sometimes I find guests that day. This one has been on my calendar for a while and it has been a dream guest of mine since episode one. And you are here for his debut as a panelist on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you especially starting at the Comedy Store. This is Comedy Store royalty. He is undisputedly one of the greatest comedians of all time. He is the first comedian to ever, ever sell out in arena. Indeed, this is the first panelist appearance ever by the undisputed, undisputed heavyweight king of comedy. This is Andrew Dice Clay. Make some noise for Dice. Oh, my God. The real deal, the man, the myth. This is Andrew Dice Clay on Kill Tony. That's for you guys would get really loud at that point.

[B]

This is a test very exciting moment for me. Cause Tony's Been asking me since day one. And, you know, can I tell him what I used to think the show was? Yeah, I used to think that he was doing this show about murder. You know, like you see on TV with the, you know, I'm not into that. I would tell him I'm into stand Up. And he goes, no, it's just the name of the show, Dice. So, yeah, I figured it out.

[A]

11. 11 or 12 years later, you found out that it wasn't about murdering.

[B]

Let me tell you something, Tony. One thing. There are no 2 Dice fans anywhere in the world, anywhere, that would ever argue going, oh, what college you think Dice went to? Just never going to happen.

[A]

Well, you do know about Stand up, and that's why we are here. Over 230 human beings signed up for a chance to get on this show. They have no idea who the guest is or is gonna be. So when they turn around after doing a minute, they're going to be looking down the barrel of Andrew Dice Clay. Now, you don't know what that's like to have to look at you after doing a set, but let me tell you, this person's inside. That's interesting. So our first bucket pull will come from the inside. We're gonna watch People do 60 second sets. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Are you guys ready to start the first ever Kill Tony with Andrew Dice? Going to start it with a bang. I present to you a new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. To kick things off tonight, ladies and gentle, how many of you are a big fan of the show? Well, then you'll be happy to know. Kicking things off, a brand new minute from the one and only. This is Cam Patterson, everyone.

[C]

All right, so listen. So usually on the show, I come out and I talk about places I don't like. That's what I do. People understand that. People think it's funny, but when I talk about where people are from, some people don't enjoy that. I'm gonna tell you, my worst place that I hate the most in all of America is Rochester, New York. Right? That place can get blown to smithereens. Fuck that place. And three weeks ago on Kill Tone, I said, fuck Rochester, New York. And I got an Instagram story that I was tagged in. I'm gonna read to you. And this what it said, he said, he said, suck a dick, you pussy. Fuck wherever you From I smoke your dads in your face. I'mma translate that for white people now. Cause lot of y' all look confused. He just said, hey man, suck a penis, fuck your hometown. And I'm gonna get a cigarello, unravel it. Put weed in and smoke it as if it was your dead homeboy. That what he said to me. And so I responded, I ain't hard to find. And then I sent my tour dates after that. And then he said, nah, fuck you, I ain't paying to see you. You talking shit about my city. And then he said, unless you get me here for free, stop talking shit about Rochester. And I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you something about me, man. I used to be a thug. I was a street nigga. I started doing stand up comedy. I changed my life. I don't do that shit no more. I'm a good proud. I changed the leaf in my life. I don't do that shit no more. So I told him, I said, listen, brother, next time I'm somewhere by you, they send me your first and last name and I get you in the show for free, no problem. And he said, you do that for me? I said, yeah. He said, man, I'm a big fan of what you do, man. I just don't like that you talking shit about my city. Cause I love my city. I said, I understand that, bro. I get it. Cause I love my city too. When I hear somebody talks about my city. I'm sorry. Well, he doesn't know that when he comes to the show, we gonna beat the shit out of him.

[A]

I've been camping at that castle. Boom. Like that. There it is. I love it. Amazing. Fantastic.

[C]

We gonna fuck that nigga up, man. We gonna fuck him up.

[A]

It was.

[C]

I seen all that. What kind of bullshit he don't like talking about. He a though that. Hey, look, let me look in the camera when I say this too.

[A]

Rochester, New York, it is absolutely true. I fully endorse Cam's statements about anywhere in upstate New York. It is incredible for anyone to stay there after being born and raised there. You should have run for your lives. Instead, you probably settled down with the first person that said that they like you too. And then you accidentally came inside of them and now you're stuck there forever in eternal hell while literally the rest of America laughs at you. Right now it might seem like I'm crawling through your Internet screen and talking directly to you. And that's because I am everyone in upstate New York, Evacuate. Evacuate. You'll thank me later. There's. There you go. We got.

[C]

For the Rochester for garbage plates. Fuck all. 200. I looked it up. 270. I can't do nothing.

[A]

What do you mean by.

[C]

I looked it up? But the numbers are hard for me. It's hard for me to get 200,000. It was 200,473.

[B]

Fuck all.

[C]

207.

[D]

You know, the.

[A]

I'm trying to say all of y' all about. That's New York. I have no idea what any of that was. I don't know if I endorse that. I might.

[C]

I was trying to say numbers, but it's hard when they get. When they get past. When they get the sticks in them. Numbers is hard.

[A]

You said garbage place for a second.

[C]

Garbage plates that they food. And then I was trying to say name the population.

[A]

Just making sure you're not getting me in any trouble. I don't know of any garbage places. I've never heard of such a thing. And I would never reference any people as garbage. However, if you're still watching from Chile, upstate New York, just know that I was talking to you for that moment. Dice, what do you think about upstate New York?

[B]

Well, it's not even about upstate New York. Can I say something about him?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I did have a little talk with him New Year's Eve, and I want to say to all you people, people watching that I really feel. Cause I've been watching him, and he's only doing it, what, three years, you told me. And this guy has more stage presence and knowing how to work the audience and how to perform and create new material every week, then I've seen out of a lot of comics doing it for 15 years. So I really. I just really that. You know, in a very short time from now, I know you're doing shows and theaters, but it's just gonna get bigger and bigger for him. That's what I believe completely. I'm not even kidding.

[A]

It is amazing.

[B]

He just understands performance.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

No, like, you know yourself. Like, a lot of comics will just come and they'll stand and just. Dude. That you walk out of, let's say, at the Comedy Store in two minutes, he works the room, he works the stage. He's a true, true performer.

[A]

That's what it is. It is amazing. Natural. Very natural. Since day one, it was always like

[C]

that, making me want to cry and shit, man. I appreciate that, man.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

I'm a dog. I don't cry. But that's made me. I'M happy. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate that.

[A]

The only guy crying at the end of this set should be the guy from Rochester that messaged you.

[C]

Now, the funny. I sent it to my homeboy. I sent it to my dog. My dog. L. My brother. Know what I'm saying?

[A]

We'll be outside. And how did you have the dog ready that quick? He don't even.

[C]

We big dogs around here. But I sent him a dog.

[A]

Li.

[C]

Right. I sent.

[A]

It sounded like a little dog.

[C]

Sound like a Chihuahua.

[A]

What was that?

[C]

There you go.

[A]

Yeah, soldier. Ah. Yeah. All right.

[C]

Yeah, Real, real.

[A]

Was that all right?

[C]

But I sent to my homeboy, L. I sent him a picture. I sent his Instagram and. And then he.

[A]

He.

[C]

It was a picture of him and his girlfriend on his Instagram. And my dog just said, she, like, she tired of you, little bro. What's her cash app? I had that in Florida by Saturday.

[A]

Why would you send the poor, innocent guy that DM'd you something? You sent that his profile off to your gang?

[C]

That nigga. Yeah, man. She said he was gonna smoke my dead friends in my face. Fuck that nigga, man.

[A]

He said he was gonna smoke your dead friends.

[C]

That would have said that.

[B]

What is.

[C]

That's one at the end of. The end of the thing was. I'm in your face.

[A]

What does that mean? That he's gonna turn them into ashes and then sprinkle the ashes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he would smoke them in front of you.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And, like, blow the smoke in your face.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

So him. His. Yeah. His mama, his grandmama.

[A]

Yeah. His auntie. Yeah.

[C]

Who he believe in as a Lord. Even if it's. If it's God, don't do that.

[A]

But that, though, I agree. Amazing. Camp Patterson. Way to get tonight started. And it has begun with a great, powerful set from Cam Patterson. And now it begins. And our first bucket pool is from the inside. This could be any one of you that signed up. Ladies and gentlemen. Ooh, the lovely Heidi has arrived. Your first comedian goes by the name of Misty B, everybody. Misty B. There it is indeed. Coming from the middle, it has begun. Her table is very excited about this. Very much Price is Right energy coming from the middle table. One of you from the inside, make some noise for her. I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Misty B, everyone. Misty B.

[B]

Hello. Hello.

[E]

Okay, so I can't get up here and not recognize what today is. It's January 6th. For you, it's Happy Insurrection Day. For the rest of Texas, it's Happy Resurrection Day. Tony, I always knew that you and I had something a little bit in common. Whenever I was watching your Madison Square Garden and you said that Puerto Rico was garbage, I was like, I knew he knew my ex husband. And then I watched your comedy special and you talked about the fags and cunts, and I'm like, oh, my God. That confirms it. He definitely knows my ex husband and his mother. So that's all I got.

[A]

That's all I got. Okay. Yeah, There you go. All right, Misty B, everybody. The kill Tony debut of Misty B. Misty, how long you been doing stand up comedy?

[E]

This is my first time ever.

[A]

Okay, there you go. Welcome, welcome. What made you want to sign up today?

[E]

Well, I am actually needing a kidney transplant and I'm waiting on a list and it's really long, so I'm checking stuff off my bucket list.

[A]

So you're here to try to. You're. Does anyone have a kidney that they would like to give away? We have the best fan base. What's your blood type? It looks like it's pretty thick.

[E]

It is. It's gravy.

[A]

It's gravy. Very good. I was gonna guess icy redband. You love ices. This is your future here. I'm just here because I need a kidney trans. You got a little RFK junior in your voice too. You got that shaky voice.

[E]

I need.

[A]

I need a candy transplant.

[E]

I need some Alpis. What were your symptoms for my kidney disease?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Red bands on the lookout here

[D]

today,

[A]

so I kind of forgot. What do you mean you had kidney today? I got like, I get my blood tested. Oh, God. Tell us more. Yeah, your kidneys a little weird, but it's like, it's probably fine. Hold on a second, Misty.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

We're going full pause here. We've never had it come up where someone has an ailment and you're like, well, I am kind of going through some. I'm going through some kidney today.

[F]

Like, what.

[A]

What are the odds that you're going through. This is clearly a sign from God. So weird. We. We both look like vitamin D deficient.

[E]

Yes, for sure.

[A]

What are your symptoms? You are pale.

[E]

Well, if you go pee and it looks like a draft beer, that's protein and that's a big sign.

[A]

So you have a lot of bubbles in your pee.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

That's amazing. That's a fetish for some people.

[E]

I have a lot of. Like, I get tired easy.

[A]

Of course.

[E]

Especially where I'm at right now.

[A]

I can tell. Yeah, Red band definitely has Kidney problems. He is exhausted all the time. It is incredible. Anything else? What were your. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this for red Band because he's being a little shy right now.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

I would love it if you two end up in hospital beds next to each other. Craziest episode of Kill Tony ever. We gave each other our own shitty kidneys, right? That'd be great if you guys transplanted

[E]

to each other, we can do dialysis together.

[A]

Amazing. Okay, so tell us, what have you been eating and drinking your life?

[E]

That everything.

[A]

Yeah, but seriously, what are your, like, real guilty pleasures that you think got you this way? Like me? Sometimes right before bed, I get a little craving. You know what? I have, I. I've been a naughty boy. I go for the chocolate covered pretzel sometimes right before bed and I think to myself, this is so wrong. I shouldn't be doing this. But I'm a perfect specimen now. If I was you, it would be different. I'd imagine I would really know. Like, fuck. I should not be drinking lemonade like this right before bed.

[E]

Like.

[A]

So what is it exactly?

[E]

So I actually have a disease that's called fsgs. So it's scarring.

[A]

Fsg?

[E]

Yes, it's scarring of the glomeru of my kidneys, which basically my kidneys let out the things that should stay in my blood and keep in the bad things in my body. And it builds up in my body and that's what makes me sick and tired.

[A]

You're going to die.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I've seen this before.

[E]

Bucket List and Andrew Ice, Clay

[A]

Dice. What do you think about her performance?

[B]

Thinks she has a lot of guts to walk out here.

[A]

She literally does have a lot of guts. I'm looking at him right now.

[B]

Everything you're going through, you know, with all the sickness and all, you know, I get sick a lot and I did. I had some stuff taken out,

[G]

you

[B]

know, through the years. What's the thing you don't need?

[A]

Testicles?

[E]

The gallbladder.

[B]

The gallbladder. See, she's like a dog. She's medical.

[A]

You had the gallbladder taken out?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I gave the guy cash.

[A]

I got no problems with your gallbladder.

[E]

Yeah, but.

[B]

Yeah, to have the guts to come out here and just. I saw you were nervous. I get it. I was nervous coming out. I've never done Kill Tony, but you did a great job. You should be proud of yourself.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Let me ask you this, Misty. You're on the hunt for a kidney. How much longer do you have how long? Give us a timeline. How long will you be able to live if there was no kidney given to you?

[E]

Well, the list right now is six and a half years long.

[H]

Oh,

[E]

He's right.

[A]

So six and a half years. And what are we talking about? What. How. What type of bubbles are you at? How filled up is the toilet after you pee?

[E]

Oh, it's bad.

[A]

It's bad, huh?

[C]

It's bad.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine? Red Band's thinking of a bubble bath right now. This pig over here is like, I'll give you some kidney money. Come over. Piss in my chest.

[E]

But you look healthy. I mean, you said you were in good condition, so.

[A]

I am. I am. I need both of my kidneys, though, just in case. I have a lot of fun out there on these streets. And who knows? I might blow one one day. Do you have dfbs or whatever it is? What's it called again?

[E]

Fsgs.

[A]

Fsgs. No, I don't even know what that is.

[E]

It's called focal segmental glyrosclerosis.

[A]

Oh, wow. Probably have that. Yeah. Yeah. So real quick, before we get back to the show, I gotta know, what exactly did the doctor say about your blood results in your kidney? So I get, like, the full panel every month and stuff, and they just said, oh, it's a little high, but that's within. Like, that's probably fine.

[F]

It's just your.

[E]

Your creatine.

[A]

I. Yeah, I have a little bit higher. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, in real time. You're getting the diagnosis. You remember the episode where Red Band found out he had a couple months to live? This is what's great about podcasting. There's nothing prepared. Anything can happen.

[E]

That's right.

[A]

Creatine's connected, huh?

[E]

Yeah, it is. It is.

[A]

All right, well, Misty, estrogen, I guess, also, I have a lot of that, so. Six and a half years. So. So what, you have a blood type or something? What do we. What do we have? What are you in the market? How can we help?

[E]

So I am a positive.

[A]

A positive.

[E]

I just need somebod willing to donate a kidney, and preferably in the Houston area.

[A]

Houston area.

[E]

I'm from Houston.

[A]

Yep.

[E]

And you can either call or go on the website.

[A]

It'd be hilarious if she was from Rochester. After all this, we're just like, if there's a good person out in Rochester willing to give a kidney, it's me, the evil guy from earlier. I didn't mean what I said. Please be a Good person.

[E]

I was just chloroforming and bringing my own kidney.

[A]

What was your question, Dice?

[B]

Houston's like, your neighborhood. Well, thank you for coming. Dallas or San Antonio? Like, you're not interested in the kidney? I don't get that.

[E]

I mean.

[B]

I mean, the girl has fnts. Isn't that what it. What's it called?

[E]

Fsgs.

[B]

What's that?

[E]

Fsgs.

[B]

Oh, that's the. I'm thinking fnts. Friday night talk session. It's a whole different thing.

[E]

Yeah, no, but they just need to go online to the Houston Methodist website or call, and my name's Misty Boudreau, and they can just sign up and

[A]

so you can listen. So you're telling me that right now there is actually a way that if they request that, they will only want to give their kidney to one person that they can actually give? I think we're going to save this lady's life. This is. This is bad for the show. There's going to be a bunch of people with, like, eyes falling out and coming like. I. I didn't really ever care about. Stand up. I need a. I'm dying here. Please, God. I know I'm not funny at all, but please, my. I don't know. Do you have a. Like, a reward for it? I'll ship in 40 bucks. Oh, there you go.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Red band just wants bubbly piss pics. All right, well, there you go. Misty Boudreaux in Houston. A positive. Yeah, I have the feeling 99 of our fan base doesn't even know what blood type they are, so it doesn't matter.

[E]

So they do paired donations. So if somebody wants to donate in my name, they would find another donor.

[A]

Oh, they would trade with an A

[E]

possum, and they do a pair donation.

[A]

Oh, my God. Well, I'll tell you this. Whoever in Houston. Whoever in Houston donates their kidney will put you on a guest list for a Kill Tony show. How about that? And here you go. Here's a big joke book for Misty. There you go. She caught it like it was FSGs, everybody. There you go. Misty Boudreau. There you go. Her first time on a comedy stage, and most likely her last. Everybody, she's not going to be with us much longer. My goodness. Your next bucket pool in an unheard of unprecedented maneuver is also on the inside. Just by pure luck, your next comedian goes by the name of Carl Kerr. Everyone. 230 cold souls at a bar across the street wondering why the hell this show hasn't started yet. As both bucket pools are from the inside. Where's Carl? We got movement. Okay, here he comes. I'm gonna pre pull the. Oh, this is taking forever. Shout out to her. Okay, the next one's inside, too. That's crazy. Is this, like, their seat number? Can you wrangle them so that it doesn't take as long? It's not. Oh, okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Another insider. Make some noise for Carl Kurz. Everybody, everybody, Here we go. Carl Kurz.

[I]

What's up, guys? I have a kidney, but it also has hep C. So. I got picked on a lot in middle school, and I got made fun of a lot. I don't know if you could tell by looking at me. I tried to cover up most of my shame with tattoos. This big fucking crow tattooed on my head. You don't get a crow like this tattooed on your head unless you've been called a at one too many times. Can this crow out my head? I'm like, who's a it now, Bryson? Not me. Anyways, I started doing drugs, and inevitably I went to prison, and I didn't want to go to prison poor, so I took a couple things up my ass with me. Took 30 methadone, 2 ounces of weed, half a can of bugler, rolling tobacco, a can can of bugler. And when I got there, I was a popular kid. All of a sudden, I wasn't getting picked on anymore. I guess that's all my time.

[A]

Was there more? Did you want to do more? Go ahead. Oh, that was it?

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. You were just naming stuff that you shoved up your ass. Okay.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought you were getting, like, a punchline or something.

[I]

There's more, but it.

[A]

Yeah, okay, well, if you want to do the rest, do the rest.

[I]

It's long.

[A]

How long?

[I]

I don't know. 15 seconds.

[A]

Well, go do the 15 seconds. Jesus. We spent 15 seconds telling you to do the 15 seconds.

[I]

Yeah. So the worst part about shoving all those drugs up my ass was all the times I went to court and didn't go to prison. Like, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's very important that you do that part right. That's called the punchline.

[B]

Right.

[A]

All of that was set up. You're just naming things you shoved up your ass. I had a feeling there was something more there. Welcome, welcome. Nervous fun stuff. You did very good.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Good job, Carl. You rolled right off of the lady's kidney, right into it. How long you been doing standup?

[I]

First time.

[A]

Really? Wow. How old are you?

[I]

44.

[A]

44. Yeah. What have you been doing for. With your life up until this point?

[I]

Oh, methamphetamines.

[A]

Yeah. Dice, what do you think about this guy?

[B]

He's been working the thing out.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, that's a lot of stuff to get your asshole. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[I]

It's a lot.

[B]

It's like, you should pay a toll to go in.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

Well, I just shove in there until there was no more room.

[B]

That's. Yeah, that's a lot of stuff.

[I]

You grind up the weed and pack it down and kind of make like.

[B]

I don't have to know these.

[A]

Yeah, well, I mean, you're definitely exaggerating, right?

[I]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Seriously.

[I]

100.

[A]

You're being dead serious.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Three ounces of wheat.

[I]

No, no. Two ounces of weed and a half a can of bugler rolling tobacco. Like the big hand. Oh, my God. Two ounces. Now you grind it up in a coffee grinder and you pack it in a pill bottle. Tight. And then you put it in a condom and. And about a half ounce is about the size of an egg. And you make anal beads with condoms.

[A]

How many? Oh, my God, dude.

[I]

So the day I got sentenced, I shot up like 30. I don't know, 300 milligrams of morphine, and I ate a eighth of mushrooms and I shoved all that up my ass. My mom was knocking on the door and she's like, you're gonna miss your sentence and gets all that up your ass.

[A]

Your mom was encouraging you to shut up your ass.

[I]

She said, hurry up, get all that up here. Well, she wasn't gonna stop me. No one's gonna walk in and stop me.

[B]

So why would his mom know about what's going on?

[A]

That's a great. That's a great question. Why did your mom know? Did you tell her?

[I]

I don't know. I don't even remember my sentencing. I was up.

[A]

But you do remember your mom.

[I]

Oh, I remember that part.

[A]

That was right up your ass.

[I]

Yeah. That was right after I ate the mushrooms. But by the time I got to the courthouse, I was frying balls.

[A]

So the painkillers, I understand, because you're about to shove so much up your ass. The mushrooms, that was just. What, to make it all fun or something? I just have some laughs.

[I]

I took all the drugs.

[A]

Aren't you afraid that the mushroom giggling was gonna make the stuff fall out of your ass?

[I]

I actually never thought of that.

[A]

Yeah, I'm up here. I'm a shove stuff up your Ass genius. So if you ever have any more questions, if anyone wants to write in to my magazine. All right. Shove up your ass monthly. Yes, that is our official sound effect. All right. Sorry, Dice.

[B]

So you have me in prison.

[I]

Oh, only like, 18 months.

[A]

And what was it for?

[I]

Residential burglary.

[A]

What?

[I]

Residential burglary.

[A]

Okay, so tell us about this robbery. Was this, like, Home Alone style? You broke through a window and then you're walking over a bed of nails? Just like anything fun happened during the. Here we go. Give me some good residential robbery music. Here we go. Nice and easy on the drums.

[I]

So I used to just walk around in the middle of the day, and I would knock on doors, and if no one answered, I'd rob them. And if they did answer, I'd be like, hey, is Steve here? So I watched this house for, like, two weeks, right? And. And I finally decided to rob it, and it was different than it normally been. There was a blanket up in the window that wasn't normally there. So I went around the back, and I went to open up the back window, and I got a.357 Magnum put in my face.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[I]

And I said, is Steve here? And, yeah, he said. He said, steve don't live here, bro. And I was like, are you sure? Because he said, if he wasn't home, just through the back window, and he's like, I'm going to kill you. So I left.

[A]

So you just left?

[I]

Yeah, I just walked away.

[A]

So that was a time where you got close. How about the one that you got in trouble for?

[I]

Wasn't too interesting. I. I didn't really get that much.

[A]

What did you get to steal from the place?

[I]

A bunch of, like, the. Like that tur. That turquoise, sterling silver jewelry. The best thing they had. It's like the worst robbery ever, and it's the one I got busted for, you know?

[D]

What?

[B]

Why always Steve?

[I]

I don't know, man. Steve was my friend's name growing up, and I just. That was the first name that came to mind.

[B]

You never even thought to maybe go, paul here? No, you just stuck with Steve.

[I]

I stuck with Steve.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the old right, that got me. Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[I]

I'm sober now, so.

[A]

Did they give you a. A name? Were you, like, known for your robberies or whatever? Were you, like, the Steve Bandit or something?

[I]

No, that's called. No, that's called me a piece of.

[A]

Right. What's the greatest home robbery you ever got away with? What's. What's the biggest take?

[I]

I got an AK47.

[A]

Wow, look at that.

[I]

Got an AK47.

[F]

And I got a.

[A]

You ever get an FSGS?

[I]

Nope, not yet.

[J]

What?

[A]

AK47. What else?

[I]

Just couple pistols and bunch of jewelry. Yeah, I robbed the house on a skateboard.

[A]

What?

[C]

God.

[I]

I robbed the house on a skateboard. I remember. And I. You know what? I want to.

[A]

Did you ever think about just carjacking somebody at that point?

[I]

Oh, we used to do that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

How many, how many cars do you think you've carjacked?

[I]

I stole about three to six cars a night for like, I love that.

[A]

We can go. This is a show where I pull out of a bucket. One second a guy's going, I used to steal three to six cars a night. The next bucket bowl is, I need a kidney. Kidney. I'm gonna fucking die if I don't get a kidney. Then there's this piece of shit.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

One time I stole a couple's baby right out of their fucking cradle with an inch. AK47. Not.

[I]

I don't like babies.

[A]

It's just. He should steal his kidney. That would make sense.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

No, we'll do a heist.

[A]

Some kidney car.

[I]

Kidney heist. Yeah.

[A]

I love it. Wow. So what do you do for work now?

[I]

I own a construction company.

[A]

Oh, why do you laugh when you say that? That's just. Is that your steam?

[I]

Because of all the.

[A]

I just said, hey, I'm a construction. I own a construct. Let me come in and measure your door frames. Let me help you out.

[I]

No, man, I've got.

[A]

You have extra key I could borrow so that I could come and do some work while you're on vacation? You can trust me. Look at the crow on my head. I was bullied when I was a kid. You have any idea how many times you have to be called a. At the Old Crow? Dude, if, if being called A, it means you have to have a crow on your head. I'd have a whole bird's nest up here.

[I]

I'm 11 years sober now, so.

[A]

11 years sober, I love, but how did you, how did you get sober? What was your secret?

[I]

Oh, man, I, I.

[A]

All right, here's our drunk, blind bass player. Everybody just smiling, having a good old time. He's been through two episodes today. This guy, smiling ear to ear. Just whiskey to the brim.

[I]

I, I did a lot of heroin, did a lot of meth, ended up homeless, living in a creek bed. Someone.

[A]

Wait, what's a creek bed?

[I]

Exactly? Like in. Literally.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Wait. Yeah, I'm like, oh, I'VE never heard of this. What design is a creek bed? Is that an ikea? What kind of model is that? I've never heard of a creek bed. Is it like a water bed? Yeah, like an actual creek?

[I]

Like a better. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Jesus Christ on mighty.

[I]

Dude, someone sold my.

[A]

How do you even end up somewhere so uncomfortable? Like it's like anywhere. I mean, find a dirt bed before a creek bed. This stay dry. You're just like. I'm freezing. Oh, it's so hard. The sauce. That is the worst. That truly is bottom. That's below bottom. You're literally seed level.

[I]

Right? Well, someone stole my shoes off my feet while I was sleeping. They sold my top ramen and my toilet paper.

[A]

Oh my God. You kept the top ramen and the toilet paper in the creek with you?

[I]

I had a duffel bag. I just stole a duffel bag. Wow.

[A]

Isn't that amazing? Yeah. I mean, wow. At least if they you. It's such an interesting collection. My shoes, my top ramen and my toilet paper. They left you with almost nothing. I. I can't believe they took your to toilet paper.

[I]

I had. I had a. A strike on my record. I had priors. I did a. Like a. I basically threw a brick through a window and looted a store and because of all my.

[A]

What store?

[I]

O'Reilly's.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Welcome to another episode of White Looters, ladies and gentlemen. It's a very rare show. No one's heard of it or pitched it before. It's a show called White Looters where instead of your normal shoe stores or clothing stores, like the normal looting types like dilute. It's called White Looters. And we undo suspecting. I got eight wrenches, dude.

[I]

Out got two 221800 dollars generators.

[A]

Oh, I got so many generators. Dud. I'm a. I'm my own energy source. I'm going to start my own construction company. Dude. White looting. This is incredible. I never heard of such a thing. But usually our senior looting correspondent is John D's back here. Ah, wow.

[I]

So I. I was getting about 8. 8 years in prison they were going to give me because of all the priors and like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

A parole officer came in my jail cell and said, you want to try rehab again? And I said, yeah, why not? Literally didn't think I was gonna, you know, I was going to prison. I was like it. Rehab has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I'll go to rehab.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Because I was literally living in a creek bed with no top ramen. So. So I went to rehab. I got sober cook.

[A]

The top ramen. If you were homeless, bro, you just. You just wet it.

[I]

You just eat it. Dude, you can put Greek water in it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh gosh. That's gutter one. Oh my God. Creek water ramen. Wow, that's. I mean, this hasn't even been thought of before.

[K]

Holy.

[A]

What's the worst? They see, we're finding that this is a common thing for you, like. Yeah. Creek water ramen. Yeah. So let me ask you this. What is the worst thing you've eaten in all your prison and all your rehab and all your homeless and all your drug induced time? You're 11 years sober now by a miracle. By a miracle, you're here performing. What's the worst thing you ever ate?

[I]

Oh, probably.

[A]

Wait, how did you eat. You had to eat it so that you could shove more drugs up your ass. What happened here exactly?

[I]

Smoke.

[A]

Wait, did you.

[I]

After you get all that weed out of your ass, it always smells like doo doo.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[I]

Worse.

[B]

You realize million people are gonna see

[A]

this,

[I]

Ain't gonna remember this in two weeks. I don't really give a. I talk about this in AA meeting. So

[B]

A isn't millions.

[I]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have to see them again. You know what I mean? I don't have to see any of you again.

[A]

I like your perspective. I think you're a fucking funny guy. Anything else crazy we should know about you, even though this interview's gone on forever?

[I]

When I got out of prison and I got sober, I got a gym membership and I ended up taking a shower with the judge that sent me to prison. He had a gym membership as the same. At the same gym as me.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[I]

And so I walk into the shower, but naked. And there's Judge Curl. Hey, Judge Curl.

[A]

You said hi to him?

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you think he remembered you?

[I]

He looked terrified, so yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I bet he did.

[I]

Yeah, I just got out. I was. I was probably about 20 pounds heavier muscle. Holy.

[C]

Holy.

[A]

So before I let you go, what's next for your.

[B]

He just said the judge's name to millions. Understand,

[A]

he is. He is out here just giving it all away.

[I]

I don't care, man.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

But yet he never mentioned if he got back together with Steve.

[A]

When's the last time you saw Steve?

[I]

Funny thing, when I got sober, they told me that I could make like my higher power for sobriety, whatever I wanted to. So I just named it Steve Steve.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

Cuz I'm like, Steve stopped me from getting my head shot. Off. Right.

[A]

Wow. When's the last time you talked to Steve?

[I]

This morning.

[A]

Wow. You talk to him every day?

[I]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Does he know that you were going to sign up for the show?

[I]

Probably.

[A]

Well, you told him you were signing up for the show.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

So it wouldn't be a problem. It would be.

[I]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That he knew that you signed up for the show.

[B]

What's Steve's last name?

[A]

No, you don't say that. No, no, no, no. So you just did stand up here. What are your goals? What's your hope with all this? Is this a one time? Like, what do you.

[I]

Bro, I don't have anything like this where I'm from.

[A]

So where are you from again?

[I]

Right in California.

[A]

Ah, yeah.

[I]

I don't know if you know where it is.

[A]

Meth country.

[I]

Yes. Meth country?

[L]

Yes.

[A]

North of Modesto.

[I]

It's right in between Sacramento and Oregon.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

It's a half point.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[I]

So it's two and a half hours north of set.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Look it up on a map, people. That's frightening. It's the Rochester of California.

[I]

We got fetty.

[A]

I'm telling you, man, Carl, you really have a. You really have a knack at this. Going right up straight into a kidney thing and the good everything at the end and throughout your delivery and everything for, you know, for your life. It's incredible. Yeah. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. There goes Carl Kurz. We're gonna do something fun before this next inside bucket pool, which is Dante. So, Dante, if you want to come up and get behind this stage, you can do that now. It'll save us some time. Congrats to Dante. He's gonna be next. But before that that, I'm going to. We're going to do something special real quick. A very, very special treat, ladies and gentlemen. A few weeks ago, I and my friends did the roast of jelly roll, the 40th surprise birthday roast of Jelly Roll. And it was just a surprise for Jelly Roll for his birthday. It wasn't recorded or anything like that. It's not going anywhere. And one person in particular, in particular really roasted the out of me. And she is one of my longest, biggest friends in comedy since I started almost 18 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, here just to share the roast jokes from the Roast of Jelly Roll that were on me, I present to you one of my favorite comedians, one of the best. She just lit New Year's Eve on fire on cnn. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only Whitney comics.

[K]

Hi, everyone. I love you, Tony. Can I just start by saying I love you very much. You're my brother. But here's the thing. I did want to start talking about the Trump rally thing because it's like, I don't want to keep bringing it up. That needs to go away. It's just that it was so crazy to me that, like, the Trump rally, like, that was just so not set up for comedy at all. The fact that you just, like, went out there, like, it wasn't set up for comedy at all. Like, you walked up there at the Trump rally, half the audience was like, oh, an abortion victim is speaking. We get to hear from a baby who was terminated at nine months. But I will say, to be clear, Tony Hinchcliffe is not racist, okay? He just looks racist. Tony looks like the kind of guy who says the full N word when he's singing along to Broadway show tunes. Tony, you were at what was considered the most disastrous Trump rally, and there was one where he got shot in the head. Two people died in Pennsylvania. Yours was the most upsetting. At least when two people got shot in the head, at least we didn't have to hear Jennifer Lopez give a speech about it. Like, that was. And then the next day. Do you remember Donald Trump pretended not to know who you were. This is a man who publicly admitted to being friends with Jeffrey Epstein. This is a man who wished Ghislaine Maxwell well when she went to prison on tv. He pretended not to know you. Suck Trump's dick. And then he pretended not to know you. Now you know what it's like to be a Miss USA contestant.

[B]

So.

[K]

And this was not the first time something like this happened. Happened. A little while back, Tony got in trouble for saying the C word. That's right. Some got mad that he said chank. You know, Tony was actually. He came here, like, you know, during the pandemic. You know, I love his, like, new look, being in Texas, like, being a more western guy. I didn't know they sold cowboy boots at Build a Bear. Tony, I love you so much. What an honor to be on Kill. Tony. What a trip.

[A]

Whitney fucking Cummings. What a culture dropping here. Roasting my ass. Make some noise for the great Whitney Cummings, everybody. What a cool cameo, huh? We having fun here tonight. All right, back to the bucket we go. I like I said three insides in a row. That the odds of that are absolutely insane. It's never happened before. Again, there's literally hundreds of people, comedians in a bar across the street, and somehow the inside is that lucky. Make some noise for Dante, everybody. Dante from the inside.

[H]

Hello, Austin. How you doing? I'm here with my. My new fiance. She just got us tickets and we. We got to fly out here to the show. She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving for the first time. I come from a big family. Four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family. So as we're all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything we called a dressing. She said, what's the difference between dressing and stuffing? I said, well, I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this. Just kidding. She's gonna kill me for that. She did like me because she said I was a fun guy. Like a mushroom. I met her in a bar. We were sitting there. She had told me that. He's still laughing. Just got it. She told me that we were sitting in a bar and she bought me a drink. And she said, why are you sitting in here alone? I said, well, I just got. I just broke up with my ex. She said I was too kinky for her. And she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex too. He said that I was too kinky. And so one thing led to another. I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky. So we go back to her house, we're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bath.

[A]

All right, just keep going now, cuz we're already almost there. Is this another street joke or is this like a real joke that you made up? It was a real joke. Okay, keep going.

[H]

So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat of nine tails, stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as. And I'm standing at the door ready to leave, and she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were going to get kinky. And I said, well, I already. Your poodle and in your purse.

[A]

Ah, you're like a street jokes guy. You've heard these jokes before.

[L]

I've.

[H]

I've never done this well.

[A]

I know, but you signed up and you just did jokes that you've like, been told by funny friends before. What's the difference between dressing and stuffing? What? Tom, I won't be dressing my. Right. You didn't write these, right?

[H]

No, I didn't.

[A]

Right, exactly. That's what people are doing here.

[H]

Well, the Thanksgiving one I wrote, I guess I didn't write anything. I just kind of memorized it.

[A]

And I gotcha.

[B]

You know what it is?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Hit me with a Dice. This is.

[B]

Perhaps he's trying to look good in front of the fiance, right? Oh, yeah.

[H]

Well, this isn't going to look good in front of her.

[B]

You don't.

[H]

Yeah, she's, she's going to be upset with me.

[B]

You don't.

[A]

Hey, I, I, we all agree. Even Michael, the ring back.

[B]

Maybe that's what the aim was. I don't know. I'm just here.

[A]

It is true. Dice is correct. This is backfiring. Even Michael Gonzalez, one of the nicest guys in the world, yelled. That's right. When Dice said, you don't do that. So do you think that she really loves you, or do you think that you. This may have entirely backfired.

[H]

No, she loves me.

[A]

Okay. How long have you two been together?

[H]

About five years now.

[A]

Five years. How long have you been engaged?

[H]

Four months.

[A]

Four months. And this. When's this wedding planned? When's it going to take place, do you know?

[H]

We're probably going to. We haven't, we haven't picked the date yet. No. My daughter's getting married, and so we're kind of letting her do her thing first. Got to pay for that and deal with that, and then we'll, we'll do ours afterwards.

[A]

Is this your, this is your second marriage?

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Both, yeah.

[A]

Is this her first marriage? The fiance second also?

[B]

No. This is the funny shit.

[A]

This is the funny shit. Both of your second marriages?

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

With baggage, other fucking kids, the whole fucking thing. Get the fuck out of here.

[A]

Did she sign up as well? Did your fiance sign up?

[H]

No. No, she didn't?

[A]

No. You guys came here just the two of you? You.

[H]

Just the two of us?

[A]

Yep. And where'd you come from again?

[H]

We came from Orlando.

[A]

Orlando, okay. Is that where you, that's where you live?

[C]

Yeah.

[H]

We just saw you in Orlando, like. Yeah, three months ago.

[A]

What do you do for work in Orlando?

[H]

I build pools for a living.

[A]

Okay. That seems like you'd be pretty busy out there.

[H]

We are. Yeah, we're busy.

[A]

What part of the trip did you decide that you were gonna sign up for the show? Were you driving here?

[H]

No, she walked by while we were in line, standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up?

[A]

Up. Wait, you decided then?

[H]

I wasn't going to until she walked by because, well, I mean, of course

[A]

she's going to walk by people that were around. You were there to sign up, right?

[H]

Well, I, I, I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to poor choices and sign up. And we didn't, we didn't make it over there. We were kind of, we got here about 7:45. So what do you were standing outside kind of confused.

[A]

Did. Was there a special sign up thing that happened?

[E]

Happened.

[A]

Someone walking by.

[H]

Yes.

[A]

You guys heard this as well? All right. And someone yelled, does anyone want to sign up? And so just a bunch of dumb asses were like, well, yeah, they need community.

[H]

Just me.

[A]

I was, I think you were the only one.

[H]

Maybe. I don't know. It was a long line actually.

[A]

Well, no, yeah, well, that's a common thing. No, it's a common thing that we would have to do because they have to get the sign ups from the people that do want to sign up that are coming in from the ins, from the audience. So yeah, it makes perfect sense. Sense. But the part that doesn't make sense, this is the first time I do believe in the show's history in which I ever heard that someone decided right then just because someone was taking like, you know what the show is. And then here you are doing, you know, like jokes.

[H]

Hey, I figured it, we came here, I'm gonna do it, you know, how do you feel?

[A]

How do you feel now? Now that's cool. People with courage. These are the people that would go bungee jumping and forget to connect the cord. Like they're all just like, woo. Adventure.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Go for out chase your dreams. But look at, look at him now. Look at him. I'm with Dice on this one. I think you may have just up the rest of your life.

[B]

How old are you actually?

[H]

Just turned 49.

[B]

Okay. More kids? You think there's gonna be more kids?

[H]

No. No more.

[B]

No. How do you know that?

[H]

Because I can't have kids.

[B]

How old is she? 33.

[A]

How'd you guys meet?

[B]

There might be some more kids.

[A]

How did you meet? Were you back there putting in a pool or something?

[H]

No, we actually, we actually met at a bar she was bartending at at Twin Peaks in Orlando.

[I]

And

[H]

I, I saw her when she

[A]

walked in and I said, hey, clapping extra hard. She roots for team gold Digger over here. Look at this one.

[H]

I said, I need to get your number.

[A]

Win for tits.

[H]

Wow, she does have nice tits.

[B]

Well, where is she? Is she right here?

[H]

No, she's somewhere back there.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Are they out? Are the tits out tonight? Keno, go to some house lighting here. Let's see what's going on. Oh, wow. Okay. All right. Wow. All right. Okay. Wow. My Pool just went above ground. Look at that. It's incredible. What do you think about frothy pee? Fucking disgusting. Unbelievable. Turn the lights back off. Okay, Dante, I spent way, way, way too much time with you. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Suicidal Dante, ladies and gentlemen, this is your next comedian. This was an actual comedian from across the street. Make some noise for him. He knew he was signing up for the show before he got here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Mike Jones. Mike, Challenge.

[L]

When a man gets pregnant, does a baby come out of his asshole? Could you imagine being the delivery doctor? I mean, dude's gonna shit a baby, you're like, push. Oh, God. That was fucking disgusting. The dads are horrified. Sue you for hate speech, you piece of shit. You gotta feel bad for gays that want kids, though. First you gotta come in his dick hole. Sounds hard, right, Tony? But I have a solution. It's a double ended fleshlight. Now gays can stare each other in the eyes, you know, fuck with a little decent. Or you could just pull the plug from the middle, right? As you both come. Then it's like a little gay fountain. So basically you can be as gay as you want with it.

[A]

Tony, very cool. Thank you. I guess I'm the gay one after somehow all that gay that you thought of and wrote and memorized. You freak. Yes. Good one, Mike. It's the hardest. I've been roasted. The whole episode was York gay fantasies. And you go, right, Tony? It's like, how am I the gay one? You're the gay one, you creep.

[L]

You're hurting my feelings, man.

[A]

How's it going, bud? How are you? How long you been doing? Stand up.

[L]

This is my first time on.

[A]

What is going on tonight? This is just annoying at this point. It's a bunch of mentally ill people, like, oh, you'll never believe this is my first time.

[L]

It is.

[A]

I'm. They were not surprised. It wasn't any better than we've had three first times before you. Tonight, they were all better.

[L]

That hurts.

[A]

I know. It's hard to believe. So, Mike, tell us what made you want to start tonight? How old are you?

[L]

What's that?

[A]

How old are you?

[L]

I'm 40.

[A]

Yep. What made you want to start tonight?

[L]

So, yeah, so I made a card game, actually.

[B]

And.

[A]

Oh, God. All right, here's a little joke book. I'm gonna keep it. Moving along. Yeah, no, I don't know. Yeah, I don't want you to promote your stupid card game. Let's Go. We're keeping it moving. It's okay. Put the mic back in the mic stand. There you go. Jesus Christ. People used to come on this show to, like, try to make it. So many years. Now it's people. I got a new card game. I need a kidney. So many real comments. Hold on, hold on.

[B]

He made the guy before him look like an absolute fucking genius.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The guy would buy a ticket to see the guy before him. I mean, that was, what, at 40 years old? Why in your right mind would you go?

[D]

Go.

[B]

I'm going to go out and talk about sucking. Come out of another guy's. Understand?

[A]

I agree there's issues there. I agree. Dante is balling out of control in the middle of the room. Right now, he's sucking on his fiance's tits in celebration of how good Mike Jones just made him look.

[B]

See, you never know what's bad till you just see something way worse. Yeah, that's it.

[A]

So true. It's so true. Well, hopefully this gets better. We got another bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Candace August, everybody. Candace August.

[J]

Hello, Austin. How you doing? All right, let's get right into it. I realize I'm a hypocrite when it comes to my health. A hypocrite because when the COVID vaccine came out, I was like, absolutely not. There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health. Then when Ozempic came out, I was like, give me that shit right now. Give me

[C]

right now.

[J]

You can put it right here, doc.

[A]

Put it right.

[J]

You said £40. In two months, both sides, put it on.

[B]

Both

[J]

lost a bit of weight, but not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere. Thank you so much. They're real big, as you can see, and they rub together when I walk. So because of the friction, they're very dark in the middle. Super black right here. Don't look away, Tony. Very black. Super black in the middle. When I say black, y'. All, These thighs could have marched with Dr. King. Just black as shit. I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport for me.

[E]

Let her go by.

[J]

I said, oh, my God, I want

[A]

to hear more about the black thighs. Let her go. I'm sorry. That was the time limit. Do you have more black thighs stuff going?

[J]

Yeah, absolutely.

[K]

My last one.

[J]

This is my closer. It says, I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport from a nigga. This is.

[A]

A breath of fresh air. Candice August has arrived to the kil. Tony Universe.

[J]

I can.

[A]

I can't tell whether you're great or the rest of the show is sucked that bad. Dice was just reminding us we don't know what's bad until we just got word. Dante.

[J]

Holy Andrew Dice.

[A]

Hi.

[J]

I'm sorry. I didn't look over.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

It's okay. It's.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Look at that.

[J]

Oh, my God. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Sorry, Tony, go right ahead.

[A]

No, it's great. You killed. How long you been doing stand up?

[J]

11 years.

[A]

11 years.

[F]

11 years.

[A]

All of it in Atlanta or how long have you. Houston or Atlanta? Which one is it here? Come on. Yes.

[J]

One more.

[D]

One more.

[J]

Black city. Somebody said it.

[A]

Really? It's New Orleans. D.C. oh, yeah. D.C. makes sense.

[J]

So I started in D.C. and then I moved to New Jersey. So I did. New Jersey, New York. And then I most recently just came from the Tampa Comedy Center.

[A]

I love it. And now you live here?

[J]

Now I live. Just moved here, like a month ago.

[A]

That's fantastic. This is exactly where you belong. You are in the right place at the right time. I love it. And you were a bigger girl before. Really? How much weight did you lose?

[J]

I've lost, like, about 68 pounds.

[A]

Wow. Hell, yeah. A red band. Come on. What's going on over there? Red band, sir. It's red band over here. Oh, my goodness.

[J]

I. I expected it.

[A]

I expected it. Yeah. His inner thighs are also black from all the melted chocolate. When he falls asleep at night, falls asleep with Milk Duds on his lap. This guy. I love it. Candace. So how about for a job? How long have you been answering customer service calls?

[J]

I actually do do phone sales.

[A]

God damn it.

[J]

Can you tell by my voice? Absolutely.

[A]

I love it. You do. You have a lovely, lovely voice.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Is it really true that your inner thighs are blacker than the rest?

[J]

They're very darker, the. In the middle from the friction. Yeah, they're darker.

[A]

Happens for sure.

[J]

Is that a say?

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Red band with the assist. Thank you, sir.

[A]

Absolutely. Our senior Big Thigh correspondent, Brian Redband. Absolutely incredible. Candace, I love your energy. Did you move here alone? You have a. You got a man?

[J]

My. I have a husband.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. How long have you two been together?

[J]

We just got married.

[A]

Two.

[J]

Three. Two, three. So February 3rd, 2023.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Easy to remember. I like it. What does he do?

[J]

He also does. He works at a debt consolidation company.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Normally they're the ones doing the calling for debt consolidation. It's interesting that there's a Someone with experience on the other end of the line. That's so fun. And how about your phone call thing? What's that?

[J]

I also work at a debt consolidation company. We work at two different. But we both work at debt settlement and consolidate validation company.

[A]

That's amazing. What are the odds that you both did. You guys. Oh, you guys met at work?

[J]

We did not meet there. We did not meet there. We met on plenty of fish.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

Yeah, Years and years ago. I don't recommend it. Plenty of fish is the ghetto of dating sites. Don't do it.

[A]

Why is that? Explain that to us so that we understand. Why is plenty of fish?

[E]

I don't know.

[J]

It just was. Had the most horrible trash selection. He was like the only person on there who was. Who was great. And I happened to have him. And that's it. So there's no one left? There's no one left on there.

[A]

What was that first date? Like, what'd you guys do?

[J]

We went out for, like, just cocktails. We just had like, a drink after work. He drank a really, like, his. His order was impressive.

[A]

It was like.

[J]

This really tastes.

[A]

A watermelon martini. No. Come on. Wait here. What are you groaning for? We're having fun here.

[J]

You are assuming that my husband is black, sir, and he is not.

[A]

Oh. Oh, yeah. So he was a pina colada.

[J]

He is also not Latino.

[C]

Guess again.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. He got an old fashioned.

[J]

He's not white. Do you want to keep guessing or shall I tell you?

[A]

Oh, my God. He got a hot sake.

[J]

I.

[B]

I consolidate your debt. Consider your debt consolidate. You owe nothing no more.

[J]

I will put you out of your misery. My husband is Indian.

[A]

Oh, my God. How did I not know with everyone working at a call center? Wow.

[J]

You should have known.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. So what was the order? What exactly does an Indian order? Mud water. No, you can't get canceled by the Indians. They don't listen to the show. They don't care about it. We're friends with a sauna mod. We're good.

[C]

He.

[J]

It was just a very, very top shelf scotch. He drinks. Yeah. And it just. I'm from New Orleans, so. Like, a drink. Thank you.

[A]

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah.

[J]

There's a drinking culture there. And just. He just impressed me because he had a very mature order. You know, like, not ordering sex on the beach like some fucking teenager. Like, it was very.

[A]

That is very mature, especially for an Indian. Did he perhaps, like, pour it all over his hands and stuff and, like, try to flip it around, mix it with bread and then Like, Indians are wild out there.

[B]

We don't even know what kind of Indian she's talking about. You know, Are we.

[J]

Thank you.

[B]

Are we talking teepee? Are we talking 7 11? I'm a.

[A]

I would like a top shelf liquor.

[J]

You guys just want to offend everyone.

[A]

Welcome. Join us. Join us.

[J]

Not gonna stop until you offend every body.

[A]

Join us. We will roast them until they look like your inner thighs, whoever they may be. White people aren't safe. They're the worst of them all.

[B]

Wow.

[J]

It's an excellent question, sir. I. In my set, I say, you know, if you need a little bit of clarification, he is not tax free casino Indian. He is cab driving 711 Indian. So you hit that right on the nose. You hit that right on the nose.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing.

[B]

But she kicked ass tonight. It was great.

[A]

Unbelievable. It was un.

[B]

And truthful. About. About your, you know, the. The OIC thing.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, me, I like them thick and beefy.

[J]

Well, all right.

[B]

You know what I mean? Thicker than you. I'm talking two feet deep from belly to back with. With a triple chin on the back of her head.

[C]

Oh.

[G]

Oh, my God.

[J]

This. This might be the best day of my life.

[A]

Oh, my God. And I gotta tell you, we needed you. Every bucket pole has stunk up the stage so much that you would think it was your husband's wife beater in the hamper. Do you have a lot in common with them? Like butter chicken. Like. Wait, what? Shut up. What does that even mean? What did you just say? I don't even know. Red band may have actually just been racist just then. What is butter chipping?

[J]

That is an Indian dish.

[A]

Oh, buttered chicken.

[J]

It is an Indian dish. That.

[E]

That.

[A]

That's actually. That was a good one. Red band. Buttered chicken. I thought you said butter tripping. I'm like, oh, Jesus. I don't even know what that means. Wow, that's amazing. I cannot. I don't think I've ever seen an Indian man with a black. Black woman before. He must have. Like, how do you think he ended up with that kind of confidence? Normally it takes us very specific kind of swagger to get a real. Especially a D.C. tampa. Like, I know what's going on over there, but how does a. Because he's Indian or normal Indian guys are normally pretty little. Right? Are you taller than him?

[J]

No, he's 6 1.

[A]

Whoa. Jesus Christ.

[J]

Maybe 6 foot even 6 1. Yeah, he's tall.

[A]

Tall. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. That is incredible.

[B]

I never even seen one like that. Like, if you think of being in the 7 11, you're never looking at a tall guy, which is the reason I steal. I'm not afraid.

[A]

Exactly. It is incredible. But where do you think he gets that confidence? Even with height, I still think that it takes a certain type of guy. I've still never seen a tall Indian guy with a powerful black woman either.

[J]

He's just. I don't know. He's just an amazing person. I. I just kind of a quiet confidence. Not very braggadocious. Just kind and generous. Just a great, great person. I love him more than I've ever loved anything in my life.

[A]

Unbelievable. Candace August, I hope you sign up more. I hope we get to see more of you. Red Band, I would love to have you on the secret joke. Candice August is booked for the secret show. There it is. Big joke book. What an appearance. What a debut. That is how it's supposed to go. Make some noise for Candace August, everyone. Oh, thank you. What a moment. Your next bucketful. Yeah, Amazing.

[B]

Avoid the sexiness.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of tj, everyone. Tj. Here comes tj. Oh, wow. You know, this. This looks like. All right, let's start from scratch here. Let's. I'm going to give you. I don't normally make a joke at the top of somebody's set. I couldn't help myself. It was just right there. Ladies and gentlemen, a fresh start. Make some noise for tj, everyone.

[D]

Austin. Thank you guys so much. You guys are. Y' all are real friendly. Like, I had someone just the other day come up to me. He's like, excuse me, has someone ever told you you look like Kobe Br. I like. Nah. I usually get dim from Street Fighter Yoga flare. Yeah. But I'm not technically even black. Nah. Like, I'm more like Kamala Harris. Yeah. Like, we pretend to be black so that today's Freedom Day. Justin Trudeau just resigned, and I'm fucking celebrating 51st day. Come here we come. But, yeah, I just got back from Japan and people wanted to take pictures with me. Honestly, I didn't know why, because I wasn't even wearing this jersey. It's a children's large. Yeah, I got it for my 40th birthday four years ago. But, yeah, honestly, I just want to thank se in retention for the last 18 months because I'm manifesting this moment right now. Thank you for even, like.

[A]

Yeah, all right, tj, that was your part, and now you are in it. You're in the interview part, tj.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Wow. First of all, let me tell you, you are the biggest seven year old I've ever seen in my entire life. You look like a giant child. How tall are you exactly, TJ?

[D]

I'm 63.

[A]

You're 6ft 63. 63. Okay, you're nervous. You got a little. Little slur there. Wow. Dice, what do you think about this guy?

[B]

He might be the Indian husband.

[A]

That's what I'm. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. What ethnicity are you, tj?

[D]

I'm actually Sri Lankan.

[A]

Oh, what are they known for?

[D]

Tourism. Yeah, it's a beautiful country. It's way better than.

[A]

Well, are you the head of tourism there?

[D]

It's great. I actually. Oh, my God.

[A]

Okay, he's about to pass out. Does anyone have a glass of water? These. These hipsters are handing you their half filled drinks. No, don't do that. Don't. Don't do that. We will. We have. We have to have a water back here. We're gonna grab you a water. It's okay. I know. It's okay. We're gonna get you a water. Look at the love of lovely Heidi, everyone. What's going on? Look, Kobe Bryant ain't strong enough to open a bottle of water. This might be the Kobe. Kobe looked better than you after the helicopter crash, by the way. So, tj, how long have you been doing stand up?

[D]

Just over a year. I quit my corporate job. I've been doing this full time. I've been touring. I went to Bangkok. Open mics. I did a show in Tokyo. Just open mics.

[A]

And how hard are you bombing in Tokyo? I can't even imagine.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Went to Bangkok for this.

[D]

I did. Live the dream.

[A]

Wow. Wow. So mentalities, okay.

[D]

Trying to be better each and every day.

[A]

Okay. But do you practice every day?

[D]

I'm trying. Well, I'm here.

[A]

Well, yeah, you're here right now. I do this every Monday. I've never seen you before. Right?

[D]

Yeah, but I just started a year ago.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. But you're out at open mics practicing every night. Every night in Austin.

[D]

I just got here three nights ago. I literally just got to Austin.

[A]

Okay. From where?

[D]

From Canada.

[A]

What part of Canada?

[D]

Toronto.

[A]

Okay. That's why you look like that.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

How many times did you get vaccinated? Tell the truth.

[D]

I did not. I'm a Republican from Canada. Did not get vaccinated.

[A]

First time I've ever seen a Republican in a Lakers jersey. I don't know if I believe any of this. What? What do you think makes you a Republican? Just out of curiosity. I don't normally like to get political, but. You look too skinny to be a Republican. But tell me more that's coming from me.

[D]

It's just more right wing. Like if you think about what's going on in the world, like, I feel like, like.

[A]

All right, forget it. I wish I wouldn't have asked that question.

[D]

Well, yeah.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[D]

I was a banker and now I'm in sales.

[A]

Okay. What are you selling?

[D]

Reputation management.

[A]

What does that mean exactly?

[D]

We protect people's reputation online. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, that sounds interesting. Yeah, I think I got a lot of phone calls from you guys a couple months ago. Amazing. Okay, so what do you do for fun?

[D]

I play tennis, do comedy. Hiking.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What else?

[B]

There's no other dream you have? Damn instrument.

[H]

Something.

[D]

Are you killing my dreams right now?

[B]

No. I'm asking.

[A]

No, he wants to know.

[D]

No, because I'm 44. I finally figured out this is what I like doing and I'm finally fucking.

[A]

What do you think made it take 44 years? 43 years.

[D]

I didn't grow the balls. So with semen retention, like, I actually finally grew the ball.

[A]

Wouldn't you agree that your balls are the same size that they've been for over 20 years?

[D]

That's

[C]

maybe.

[A]

Did your Sri Lankan parents have anything to do with you not wanting to chase your dreams?

[D]

Possibly. I don't know. No. They were pretty supportive. They're supportive of me being here right now, so. They're awesome.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

All right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This is all good impersonations.

[A]

Great question. Wait, you're still going with this Kobe thing is ever is all.

[B]

It's almost like he didn't hear he had an accident.

[A]

You look more like the guy from Indiana Jones that like, hum.

[H]

That guy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Super topical reference from Brian Redband, 1988 classic. Yeah. Kobe and Indiana Jones are just as old as one another. Amazing. Do your shot one more time. Let's see what a basketball shot from you looks like. Because it was unbelievable. What I think I saw a moment ago. I tried to pretend like I didn't see it, but I want to see it again.

[D]

I. I technically don't play. I play tennis.

[A]

It's okay. Just put the microphone down for a second. Let's see what it would look like. You shooting a basketball into a hoop.

[B]

No, wait, wait, wait. Step back. Go. Little step back. Yeah. All right. All right, now go. No, that's that's not how he did it. He had that foot in front.

[A]

It's a right foot. I want to see Kobe Bryant, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. There's a certain smell that just went over the entire room from that. That is a Sri Lankan salsa if I've ever smelled one. That is absolutely incredible. Drink less water. You're sweating too much. No. Okay, tj, but this was fun. Here's a. I like your style. And since even though I would normally give you a small joke book, it looks good with your jersey. Here's a medium KT joke book. Tj. So bass. So Kobe. What? Go Kobe? Yeah, Kobe. What a. Copy it. Yeah. Music for what?

[D]

Dance out.

[A]

You're going to dance out? Give him some music to dance out. You know what? I've never had anybody ask for that before and I'm just in the giving mood. Give him some. Can we get some Sri Lankan. Can we get some Sri Lankan dance music? Oh, Jesus. Wow. Okay. There he goes, everyone. TJ dancing his way back to obscurity. He didn't even dance.

[B]

He forgot the book. He didn't take the water.

[A]

He forgot his joke book, too. There actually is. And I mean this in the most non racist way humanly possible, but there really is a scent up here on stage right now. It is quite incredible. You smell that?

[B]

You know what? I.

[A]

Hold on a second, guys. Hold on.

[B]

I saw like if he had like a little wig on, like he could Remember when I said the part about doing impersonations?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like picture this. I'm just going to. You tell me what it's from. Red Band. I'll know. Yeah, just listen. I am Kane. What show?

[A]

I. You're right. Red Band will know that this is from the 70s or 80s. Kung fu, right? Yeah. David Carradine.

[B]

I am Kane.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I should have known that. That that line even references. References.

[B]

Put those two together. He's got an act.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I mean, I thought he stunk. I. I just got to be on. You told me, like, be nice. I don't know, Todd. I'm trying,

[A]

man. Yeah, that's really something. All right, you guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. This is JP Lambiase. JP Lambias, jp, everyone.

[F]

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry, so I did that. 23 in May. Turns out that's just the number of Asians in Austin, Texas. 23 and me. They're all at UT. I'm not really into politics. My friend asked me what my political views are. And I'm just. I don't know. He goes, well, it's simple. Do you like Trump or do you like Obama? And I'm like, I don't think it's that black and white. I went to Mexico City. I learned about mole. This lady was teaching it. She goes, there's green mole, there's red mole, there's brown mole. I'm like, I got a question.

[L]

She's like, yeah.

[F]

Is guac a mole?

[B]

Thank you,

[A]

jp. Lambiase. Am I saying that correctly?

[F]

Lambia.

[A]

Lambiace. Okay. Hell yeah. Now, what is lambiase? What kind of last name is that for an Asian boy?

[F]

It's a little interesting. It's actually French, but my dad's Italian.

[A]

Amazing.

[F]

Yeah, I was. I was bought. I was bought by Italian Italians.

[A]

You were bought by a what?

[F]

Italians. I was, like, adopted. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense. Sense. Italians are good people.

[F]

Yep.

[A]

Out there saving Asian babies. You were bought from France?

[F]

South Korea.

[A]

South Korea.

[F]

Just wanted to make.

[A]

I still don't understand. Oh, I see. Did they. Does your Italian family pronounce it Lambiase?

[F]

I think originally it was lambiase. So, ironically, you were correct.

[A]

No, yeah, no, I know. Yeah, that makes sense. I read names every week on this show.

[C]

Show.

[A]

I just found it interesting. I've never seen an Asian with an Italian name.

[F]

Yeah, it's. It's fun.

[A]

What's JP short for? Jap. Is that a slur? Did I just accidentally slur again? Oops. Oops. I slurred again. It's a J. You can't only do it if it's an Asian guy and it's jp. You're having fun, right?

[F]

No, I mean, that wasn't. Right. That wasn't.

[A]

Oh, okay. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Absolutely amazing. Hell, yeah. Asians love playing the victim for some reason. Little fun fact. It's very weird. They don't have to do that, but they do that. One. Good question. John D's wants to know. He doesn't ask many questions, but. But I did just hear him ask, were you on Squid Games?

[F]

Got out.

[I]

I did.

[A]

I did it.

[F]

I did.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. So welcome. Welcome. Have you been on this show before?

[F]

Yeah. Yeah, it was a train wreck.

[A]

What happened then?

[F]

I was. I was going through a lawsuit, so I couldn't really have the interview proper. And I didn't even get to, like, say hi to Brian. But there used to be a famous

[A]

YouTuber, him and his girl, and then she. Him and took everything.

[F]

Well, no, she didn't.

[D]

Me.

[F]

She Other?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, but she screwed you over, business wise.

[F]

Yeah. So she kind of locked me out of my YouTube channel, and now she's just slandering me online, and there's a lot of drama.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[F]

But it's like, you know, I think it's like a cautionary tale. Don't do business with your fiance.

[A]

Right. How long were you with this girl?

[F]

Ten years.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. Wow.

[I]

Wow.

[A]

Good Lord. What type of a slandering is she doing? What is she saying bad about you?

[F]

She said that I'm verbally abusive, which could be true, but she also said,

[A]

rare for an Asian, but for someone raised by Italians, makes perfect sense. Do you get mad like an Italian? Did your parents teach you that? When you. When you get mad, do you. Are you Asian or are you Italian? You get a little.

[F]

I'm actually pretty. Ital's very Italian. My dad's like a capisha manja, like, but that's all he knows, so it's just like, all right, dad, you know, like, Mozel. I'm like. I'm not going to say Mozzarell sticks at an Applebees.

[I]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Good. Now I got you being racist back to me. So we're good about the jab thing earlier. Just to let you know, you know, Italians, we're just all moots to one another. God, so racist. I feel like a real victim right now. Well, thank you, Red Band. Okay, so. All right, well, then maybe we shouldn't talk about your slandering, suing ex girlfriend then, huh?

[F]

I like to. It's fine. But.

[A]

Well, what do you want to say? I mean, what's interesting about all that?

[F]

Well, I mean, I guess she outed me as, like, a homosexual, so that's been kind of cool. I can relate to you on that,

[A]

you know, Right, Sure. But does she. She have any actual. Have you ever done anything homosexual?

[F]

Like. Yeah, I texted her I'm gay.

[A]

Oh, that'll do it. That's gayer than anything I've ever done. So it looks like we can't really relate to each other at all.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, did you text her that because you're gay?

[F]

No, she wouldn't give me my apple, my phone back, and I said, well, if I keep asking that, that's not working, so why don't I try a new. A different approach?

[A]

Oh, that's actually kind of smart.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And so you're just like. Like, you're just. You're at that point, you're just like, please, you know, I don't have Anybody else to go to, like, I'm gay. Please help me.

[F]

And then she sent me what I needed. I was just like, dude, it worked.

[D]

Holy.

[F]

She said, it makes so much sense now.

[A]

See what I'm saying? That's actually a smart approach. If all else fails with a crazy chick, just go gay. That's amazing.

[I]

It doesn't hurt.

[A]

That is some Jedi level. It took an Asian raised by Italians to figure that out, just to crack the code. And of course, in their own inner anger and rationalization with themselves, they're like, oh, that makes sense. Of course you're gay. You. Right. Did you have to prove anything? Did you Photoshop any dicks in your mouth or anything like that?

[F]

No, I didn't have to prove anything. She bought it.

[A]

She bought it. Amazing.

[F]

And so did the Internet. They're like, we knew.

[A]

She's just a. She's just a white girl.

[F]

Just a white girl.

[A]

Isn't that amazing? A white girl giving an Asian an Apple phone for a change. Isn't that amazing? Just absolutely incredible. Little role reversal there. Amazing. So 10 years with her, though. Did you have fun in bed?

[F]

No.

[A]

Okay. How about now? Have you been. Have you been. Now that you're finally. How long have you been single?

[F]

For, like, two years now.

[A]

How about two years? Have you gotten some.

[D]

Some.

[A]

Some action?

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

That's what caused all the problems. I. I got, like. She broke up with me. I'm like. She's like, move on already. So I went on a dating app, and I ended up meeting someone, and she ended up tracking it, and then, like, caused all this chaos.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[F]

And, like, I didn't think she was a jealous person. We were together 10 years, but she had me on a tight leash for 10 years. Like, we were to work together, live together.

[A]

Right.

[F]

Kind of slept together sometimes.

[A]

Right.

[F]

But when I finally moved on, she went, like, literally ape. She literally stormed like. Like, I cheated on her. She stormed into my apartment, ransacked all the camera gear. I was in my underwear. And I'm just like, you wouldn't walk. When you walk into something in the bathroom, you're like, oh, sorry. You're in the bathroom. You don't just walk in. I'm like, oh, I just need to grab some stuff. You know what I mean? So I just.

[B]

He's trying. He's got the dice starter kit on.

[A]

Yeah, he does. He's got the gloves. Andrew Rice Clay over here.

[B]

But you like girls. Do you watch the Godfather Christmas time? Yeah.

[F]

Well, I mean, like, you remember the other two sons?

[B]

He brings the chick upstairs during the wedding. You like that scene?

[F]

Yeah, absolutely. It's one of the best scenes.

[B]

I mean, does it excite you when he's got that chick with her big pig tits nailed against the wall?

[F]

Take that.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Do you like that?

[F]

I like that. I like that. I like that.

[B]

All right.

[F]

What are you, my father?

[L]

Do you.

[F]

Do I like that?

[I]

What do I got to prove to you?

[B]

Brando. Let me see you do Marlon Brando. Like the Asian. No, that's not it. That stinks. That's terrible. That's just me. Like that.

[A]

Oh, that's you.

[B]

Jesus, you didn't even do this part.

[F]

I don't do impersonations.

[B]

See? Isn't that a little better when you do that? It's a little better.

[F]

All right.

[A]

He just looks like a homeless Asian woman to me.

[B]

I don't understand the whole bundling.

[A]

It is crazy.

[I]

I'm.

[F]

I'm cold.

[A]

You are.

[B]

How cold can you be? What's the weatherman said? It's a little cold outside.

[A]

He lives in his car.

[B]

It's not a blizzard.

[A]

You look like an accountant for Everyone had a barrel fire. Oh.

[F]

Yep.

[B]

Get it.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Sorry, dad.

[A]

All right, this is. This is the. He is the Italian that adopted him. Wow. So, J.P. i mean, you're. She's no longer bothering you, right? Everything's moved on.

[C]

No.

[F]

Clear constant right now.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Yeah, but as we speak.

[A]

Well, don't. Don't bring your trouble to us, dude. Okay? We like you, whoever you are. Best of luck with everything.

[F]

No, you're good. She wants to get on the show and tell her story.

[A]

Oh, boy. She wants to get on this show?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Yikes.

[F]

She needs a minute first, but you

[B]

got to move on, my friend.

[A]

Does she do standup? Sometimes.

[F]

I wrote her a minute.

[A]

What?

[F]

I wrote her a minute.

[A]

When was that?

[F]

We did. When we were dating. We did. We did a comedy class together, and she had to do the graduation night.

[A]

And that's a minute you guys had to do?

[F]

Five.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

They're pretty good jokes.

[A]

How many of the minutes did you write? This is so Asian. Doing the homework for the white person. You wrote all five of the minutes?

[F]

No, I got to give her some credit. I think she might have got, like, couple. Couple jokes in there.

[A]

All right.

[F]

All right, J.P. she's pretty funny.

[A]

So does she do standup comedy sometimes?

[F]

No, not at all. She actually was terrified to do it.

[A]

Did you guys start at the same time you took that comedy class before, or what?

[F]

No. My friend at Carmen Valone does a Comedy class in Orlando.

[A]

You just dropped a name. Now I don't like you.

[F]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

People giving shout outs out here. Here.

[F]

I know I'm. It doesn't matter anyway. But he has a comedy class and we just took the cl.

[A]

Yeah, doesn't matter. The answer was that.

[B]

That.

[F]

Well, that's over now.

[A]

It's okay. It seems like your whole identity is this girl. And it seems like her whole identity might be you.

[F]

Do you think Red Band's looking at me like he agrees?

[A]

I don't know. Red band follows, like YouTube chosen. I don't know what's going on on anyway.

[F]

Even me or your wife when I'm

[A]

going to stop both of you from talking for a second. Do you think there's a chance that you guys might still be deeply in love with one another?

[F]

My ex?

[A]

Yeah. The one that we've been talking about for 10 minutes straight.

[F]

I didn't know you're talking about.

[A]

No, I know you and Red Ban aren't deep.

[F]

I mean, 10 years together, spent every day together.

[A]

Do looks strangely like his girlfriend, though. Now that I think Tony. Janice, is that you? I know she's been getting migraines lately. She might be a little swollen. She might have a inflamed head. Wow, that actually is a pretty good impression.

[F]

Oh, right.

[A]

Is Janice here? Can we get Janice? Can we do a side by side?

[F]

I'm sorry.

[I]

You get excited too.

[F]

I'm not trying to rile up a dice here with my Asian accent, all right?

[B]

Well, it's not even that Asian. I don't even believe you. Here, say hero. If you're going to do it, go all the way with this.

[F]

Hello.

[B]

No, see, that's not. You're never going nowhere with that, all right? It's not what the people are looking for.

[A]

If you're gonna go Asian, you got to go Asian. You could do a more Asian accent than that. Let's hear it.

[B]

They can't say the letter L, right?

[A]

Yeah, that's a good way to know. He's trying to help you. You've taken a comedy class before. This is like a comedy class.

[B]

It's exactly what I'm teaching him here.

[A]

He's teaching you how to do an Asian accent. So come on, give a of ton us. Summon the people.

[B]

You know, you come out to a crowd, you go, hey, how you wait. How you doing, everybody?

[C]

My name.

[B]

What's your name again? JP Name.

[A]

That's.

[B]

That's not an Asian name.

[I]

Okay?

[F]

T like tiger.

[B]

I know a JP. He's doing 20 to life. You understand? Ying Yang.

[F]

All right, all right.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

What?

[B]

Hello.

[F]

Hello, I'm Ying. Hello, I'm Yang. And then hello, I'm Ying. And you're a face.

[B]

Hey, look, if I dish it, I could take it.

[F]

Okay, good. Good job. Smart man.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

No, no, you got the wrong.

[F]

I like your glasses.

[B]

Not fought, man.

[F]

I said smart man.

[B]

Man. All right,

[A]

you're making it very weird. I could see why your ex sued you and took your.

[B]

I don't do it.

[A]

It's creepy after a while.

[B]

I don't even do those kind of jokes.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'm sorry. I even.

[A]

No, it's great. No, that was fantastic. Well, yeah, I. I still do it. I'm very immature.

[B]

I don't. I. I would never.

[A]

Jp, how did it feel doing an Asian accent? Do you feel like your ancestors? That gave you away. All right, okay.

[I]

Where's the music?

[A]

You already have a joke book. No, you don't. No, you didn't get one last time.

[F]

I got, like, the. The little one tic tac thing.

[A]

Jp, I would love to have you on the secret. Whoa, look at this. What an amazing twist. Here you go, jp. There's a big one. Congratulations. There he goes. JP Lambiase. All right, your final comedian of the night, out of the Bucket. Goes by the name. She's been on the show numerous times, especially back in the day when we first got to Austin. Since then, she worked her way up as a door person here at the Mothership and gets regularly booked on shows all the time. One of Adam the talent coordinator's favorite top young rising comedians. One of our favorite top young rising comedians. Make some noise. Noise. For this is a brand new minute from Christina Mariani, everybody.

[G]

I love Asian men.

[K]

I do.

[G]

All my ex boyfriends have been Asian, so technically, I'm still a virgin. I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me. And instinctively I grabbed my purse, even though logically, I know he's not for sale. He did steal my wallet, though.

[A]

Thank you, guys.

[G]

I appreciate it.

[A]

Exactly a minute. Unbelievable material from Christina Mariani. That is fantastic. That is unbelievably great joke. How you doing? You still as awkward as ever? Still. Just like the day you started over there. Never, never ends. How's it going, Christina? How are you?

[G]

Good. I'm great, thank you.

[A]

Fantastic. Remind everybody it's been a while since you've been on the show, right?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

But you used to be on when we were at Vulcan.

[G]

Yeah, when I was at Vulcan. Yeah, I got on a few times.

[A]

Huh.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

And things have been going good. How long have you been doing stand up overall?

[G]

Three years.

[A]

Three years? Yeah. Okay, so you started back then?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

You still don't know how a mic stand works. I like that. That's fantastic. No, you're doing great. The cord's wrapped around there. You're stuck there. You got it, you got it, Got it. I love it. How do you feel right now? You just performed. You just crushed in front of the great Andrew Dice Clay.

[G]

Feel great.

[B]

It really was amazing.

[G]

Yeah. Thank you. Thanks.

[B]

Not everybody was like that tonight.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Thank you.

[B]

That was great. That was great.

[G]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Let the record show tonight's episode. Three out of the top four performers were women. Women. It's unbelievable. Christina Mariani, Candice August, Whitney Cummings, and Cam Patterson. Representing. Representing the men. No, I'm saying that's the one. Out of the four that was. That would be a weird joke for me to make. Cam's a woman, everybody. No, I'm saying out of my. What? I have ranked the top four sets. Three of them were women, which is a mathematical anomaly. It is unbelievable. But you, Whitney, Candace, very, very funny. Funny. How's life been going? What's it like out there for Christina? Mariani, you're in Austin. You've been here for years. You're having great sets. You're on a lot of big shows. You're a shy, nervous.

[G]

I'm not that nerd. I mean, right now I am, but I feel like I've gotten cooler.

[A]

Okay, can you tell us about some of that? What are some of the things that used to do that were uncool and now you have control over them?

[G]

Well, I don't. I mean, you. You tell me, right?

[A]

I don't know.

[G]

I don't know.

[A]

I mean. Yeah. You seem like you're blending in well. You're not sweating like a Sri Lankan right now, I can tell you that. We had that happen.

[G]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But something else.

[G]

No, I. I'm starting to headline, so I'm working on my headlining sets. I had a New Year's show. I'm headlining Black rabbit on the 19th.

[A]

Nice.

[G]

So, yeah.

[A]

And then.

[G]

And then Vegas on the 21st, so I'm excited.

[A]

Yeah, I love it. Where can people get tickets for your shows?

[G]

Just on. On my Instagram. Can I.

[A]

Yes.

[G]

Okay. C R I I M A R I I. Wow.

[A]

Is that your password or your screen name? That's Incredible.

[G]

It's creamery, but it sounds weird when I say it. I didn't mean to okay for it to sound like that, but.

[A]

Right. I see you kind of combined your first name and your last name.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

And I didn't realize it sounded so gross.

[A]

Yeah, it is wild. What else do you do, Christina? What would be. We'd be surprised to know about you, about your life here in this interview portion of kil. Tony.

[G]

I signed up for the half marathon in January, so I'm going to. You two. Cool. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. You. You signed up for a half marathon as well?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Why? Why just a half like her. I understand, but you're a. You're a black man. You should be running the. The double marathon or something like that. You're just going to go beat everybody's ass in a half marathon real quick.

[F]

He runs ultra marathons.

[A]

Wait, he runs ultra marathons? Michael Gonzalez is outing you. Big Mike, as we call him. Fitness junkie. So you run ultra marathon? Sometimes. Sorry, Christina. He's a more interesting interview now. So have you ever run a marathon before?

[G]

No, I just.

[A]

What made you sign up for a half a marathon to start?

[G]

I've been running for my anxiety, and it's been helping. And so I just, you know, I want to. I want to get to a marathon eventually, but I'm going to start with half.

[A]

Okay. How long do you run during the day?

[G]

Like three to six miles every day.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

That's more than Red Band has ever walked in his life. It's grand. Total amazing. What else do you do to help your obvious anxiety?

[G]

I mean, running helps a lot, and doing, like, stand up helps, too, because I'm doing something scary, but, you know, and I'm in therapy, too, so.

[A]

Oh, okay. This is great. Are you the Asian guy's ex girlfriend? This is incredible. Okay. How long have you been in therapy for?

[G]

Just a few months.

[A]

How's that going? Did they already get you on a bunch of pills?

[G]

No, no, no.

[A]

Did they try a little bit?

[G]

No.

[A]

Not a little bit?

[G]

No.

[D]

Not even.

[A]

They didn't go. I. You know, I'm not saying that you should, but what I would do if it was somebody that wanted pills. Is this because that's how they make vast sums of money?

[G]

No, I have a different doctor for this.

[A]

Oh, okay. You're like a homeopathic type of.

[G]

No, I. I was kidding.

[J]

I don't know what.

[A]

You're just kidding about seeing a therapist.

[G]

No, no, I am seeing a therapist. Kidding about getting drugs from a different doctor.

[A]

Right. Okay, but did your therapist suggest drugs at any point?

[G]

No.

[A]

No. Nothing at all?

[G]

No, it's just talk therapy.

[A]

Yeah, therapists don't do that. Oh, the guy that lives with nine women also knows a lot about therapists. Who would have guessed this? Everybody. Well, yeah, but that usually a therapist will see a nervous bundle like this and send them straight to the psychiatrist who.

[G]

I'm not always like this.

[A]

What do you. What do you normally like?

[G]

No, I mean like it just depends on the situation. When you do something like more nerve wracking. Do you. Are you the same all the time?

[A]

No. Yeah. Yeah. No. What would make you more nervous? I want to make you more nervous. Who wants to hear sing a song? Everybody. I'm kidding. I'm joking. Christina. That was a fun set. You're famously nervous and shy. Red Band. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

[G]

All right.

[E]

I'll see you.

[A]

Fantastic. You ever get one of these before? You want one? You don't?

[G]

There you go.

[A]

Casino Mariani, everybody. And that was tonight's episode. How loud can this place get? For the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody. A historical episode for us to have the presence of the Dice Man. The art is in from Ryan Je belt and it is unbelievable. He drew that during the episode. Our artist that draws every episode of the Dice Man. That is incredible.

[B]

Very powerful.

[A]

Ryanjebalt.com to check that out.

[B]

Hold that up.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know if they can see Dice.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

Is there anything you want to plug or promote? Is the one of the funniest men on Instagram. I can tell you that. You may have seen his man on the streets.

[B]

I'm not here to plug.

[A]

Right. I love it. I love that.

[B]

I don't need to plug.

[A]

God, I love you. You are just the coolest.

[B]

Dice clay.com. Instagram and andrew dice clay.com Tick tock.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Andrew Dice Clay.

[B]

And maybe they'll get a picture one day.

[A]

Who knows? Yeah, maybe you could get a picture.

[B]

Been an incredible experience for me.

[A]

Dice is great. Start stage Tony twice at Madison Red.

[B]

They are incredible for real.

[A]

Twice at the Heb Center. But to get to have you here at the table, I always knew it would be amazing. And I'm was good. No, it was unbelievable. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for Andrew Dice Clay. The best damn man in the land. Thank you. Thank you to our sponsors. Red Band. Check out the movie Ford Fairlane. One of my favorite movies growing up. It used to be on my answering machine. My hair. My hair. I love you, D. Thank you.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

We love you guys. Thank you so much. God bless you. Have a great night, everybody. Sam. Sa.