Red Band (0:00)

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliff.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian Ribbing, everybody. How about one more time for the best stam band in the land, everyone? They've been playing for you here in the live music capital of the world. That is Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez. Unbelievable. Big Mike is with us. Look at him, just bigger than ever. There's Medium Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, Generous John Dees on the key. Everyone knows how generous he is, known for his generosity and how loud can. I mean, it's the real deal. What can I say? It is indeed. D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, yeah, we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Hey there, Ryan Reynolds here. It's a new year and you know what that means. No, not the diet resolutions. A way for us all to try and do a little bit better than we did last year. And my resolution, unlike big wireless, is to not be a raging and raise the price of wireless on you every chance I get. Give it a try@mintmobile.com switch. $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first 3 month plan only. Taxes and fees, extra speed slower above 40 GB on unlimited. See mintmobile.com for details. This episode is brought to you by Amazon. Sometimes the most painful part of getting sick is the getting better part. Waiting on hold for an appointment, sitting in crowded waiting rooms, standing in line at the pharmacy. That's painful. Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy remove those painful parts of getting better with things like 24. 7 virtual visits and prescriptions delivered to your door. Thanks to Amazon Pharmacy and AmazonOne Medical Healthcare just got less painful. Be honest. When's the last time you had a homemade meal? We get it. Between meetings, workout classes, and the kids after school sports, who's got time to cook? That's where hellofresh comes in. No matter how busy you get, hellofresh has everything you need to get an easy home cooked meal on the table. With flavor packed recipes like Parmesan herb crusted salmon. You'll be filling your kitchen with the cozy aromas of a homemade meal in no time. So go ahead, try hellofresh. It's homemade made easy. Learn more@hellofresh.com are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Wow. Every once in a while, you know, sometimes it's booked a month out, sometimes this, sometimes that. Sometimes I find guests that day. This one has been on my calendar for a while and it has been a dream guest of mine since episode one. And you are here for his debut as a panelist on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, especially starting at the Comedy Store. This is Comedy Store royalty. He is undisputedly one of the greatest comedians of all time. He is the first comedian to ever, ever sell out in arena. Indeed, this is the first panelist appearance ever by the undisputed, undisputed heavyweight king of comedy. This is Andrew Dice Clay. Make some noise for Dice. Oh, my God. The real deal, the man, the myth. This is Andrew Dice Clay on Kill Tony. That's. You guys would get really loud at that point. This is a test. Very exciting moment for me. Cause Tony's been asking me since day one. And, you know, can I tell him what I used to think the show was? Yeah, I used to think that he was doing this show about murder. You know, like you see on TV with the, you know, I'm not into that. I would tell him I'm into stand up. And he goes, no, it's just the name of the show, Dice. So, yeah, I figured it out. Eleven, 11 or 12 years later, you found out that it wasn't about murdering. Never. Let me tell you something, Tony, one thing. There are no 2 Dice fans anywhere in the world, anywhere that would ever argue going, oh, what college you think Dice went to? Just never going to happen. Well, you do know about stand up. And that's why we are here. Over 230 human beings signed up for a chance to get on this show. They have no idea who the guest is or is gonna be. So when they turn around after doing a minute, they're going to be looking down the barrel. Of Andrew Dice Clay. Now, you don't know what that's like to have to look at you after doing a set, but let me tell you, this person's inside, that's interesting. So our first bucket pull will come from the inside. We're gonna watch People do 60 second sets. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Are you guys ready to start the first ever Kill Tony with Andrew Dice going to start it with a bang. I present to you a new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. To kick things off tonight, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are a big fan of the show? Well, then you'll be happy to know. Kicking things off, a brand new minute from the one and only. This is Cam Patterson, everyone. All right, so listen. So usually on the show, I come out and I talk about places I don't like. That's what I do. People understand that. People think it's funny. But when I talk about where people are from, some people don't enjoy that. I'm gonna tell you my worst place that I hate the most in all of America is Rochester, New York, Right? That place can get blown to smithereens. Fuck that place. And three weeks ago on Kill Tone, I said, fuck Rochester, New York. And I got an Instagram story that I was tagged in. I'm gonna read to you. And this is what it said. He said, suck a dick, you pussy. Fuck wherever you from, I smoke your dads in your face. I'm gonna translate that for white people now. Cause lot of y'all look confused. He just said, hey, man, suck a penis. Fuck your hometown. And I'm gonna get a cigarillo, unravel it, put weed in and smoke it as if he was your dead homeboy. That what he said to me. And so I responded, I ain't hard to find. And then I sent my tour dates after that. And then he said, nah, fuck you. I ain't paying to see you. You talking shit about my city. And then he said, unless you get me in for free, stop talking shit about Rochester. And I'mma tell you something. I'mma tell you something about me, man. I used to be a thug. I was a street nigga. I was. I started doing stand up comedy. I changed my life. I don't do that shit no more. I'm a good proud. I changed the leaf in my life. I don't do that shit. No more. So I told him, I said, listen, brother, next time I'm somewhere by you, they send me your first and last name, and I get you in the show for free, no problem. And he said, you do that for me? I said, yeah. He said, man, I'm a big fan of what you do, man. I just don't like that you were talking shit about my city. Cause I love my city. I said, I understand that, bro. I get it. Cause I love my city, too. When I hate, somebody talks about my city. I'm sorry. Well, he doesn't know that when it comes to the show, we gonna beat the shit out of him. I've been camping at that capsule. Boom. Like that. There it is. I love it. Amazing. Fantastic. We gonna fuck that nigga up, man. We gonna fuck him up. It was. I seen. I was like, what kind of bullshit. He don't like talking, but he a though that, hey, look, let me look in the camera when I say this too. Rochester, New York. It is absolutely true. I fully endorse Cam's statements about anywhere in upstate New York. It is incredible for anyone to stay there after being born and raised there. You should have run for your lives. Instead, you probably settled down with the first person that said that they like you too. And then you accidentally came inside of them, and now you're stuck there forever in eternal hell while literally the rest of America laughs at you. Right now. It might seem like I'm crawling through your Internet screen and talking directly to you, and that's because I am everyone in upstate New York. Evacuate. Evacuate. You'll thank me later. There's. There you go. We got for Rochester for garbage plates. Fuck all. 200. I looked it up. 270. I can't do nothing. What do you mean by I looked it up? But the numbers are hard for me. It's hard for me to get. 200,000. It was 200,473. All 207. You know what the I'm trying to say all of y'all about? That's New York. I have no idea what any of that was. I don't know if I endorse that. I might. I was trying to say numbers, but it's hard when they get. When they get past. When they get to six of them. Numbers is hard. You said garbage place for a second. Garbage plates. That's they food. And then I was trying to say name the population. Just making sure you're not getting me in any trouble here. I don't know of any garbage places. I'VE never heard of such a thing, and I would never reference any people as garbage. However, if you're still watching from Chile, upstate New York, just know that I was talking to you for that moment. Dice, what do you think about upstate New York? Well, it's not even about upstate New York. Can I say something about him? Yeah. I did have a little talk with him New Year's Eve, and I want to say to all you people, people watching that I really feel. Cause I've been watching him, and he's only doing it, what, three years, you told me. And this guy has more stage presence and knowing how to work the audience and how to perform and create new material every week, then I've seen out of a lot of comics doing it for 15 years. So I really. I just really. That, you know, in a very short time from now, I know you're doing shows and theaters, but it's just gonna get bigger and bigger for him. That's what I believe completely. I'm not even kidding. It is amazing. He just understands performance. What's that? No, like, you know yourself, like, a lot of comics will just come and they'll stand and just. Dude, that you walk out of, let's say, at the Comedy Store in two minutes, he works the room, he works the stage. He's a true, true performer. That's what he is. It is amazing. Natural. Very natural. Since day one, it was always like that, making me want to cry and shit, man. I appreciate that, man. Hell, yeah. I'm a dog. I don't cry. But that's made me. I'm happy. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate that. The only guy crying at the end of this set should be the guy from Rochester that messaged you. Now, the funniest. I sent it to my homeboy. I sent it to my dog. My dog. L. My brother. You know what I'm saying? We'll be outside. And how did you have the dog ready that quick? He don't even. We big dogs around here. But I sent him a dog. L. Right? I sent. It sounded like a little dog. Sound like a Chihuahua. What was that There? Go. Yeah, soldier. Ah. Yeah. All right. Yeah, Real, real. Was that all right? But I sent. To my homeboy, Li. I sent him a picture. I sent his Instagram and. And then he. It was a picture of him and his girlfriend on his Instagram. And my dog just said, she, like, she tired of you, little bro. What's her cash app? I had that in Florida by Saturday. Why would you send the poor innocent guy that DM'd you something. You sent that his profile off to your gang? That. Yeah, man, she said he was gonna smoke my dead friends in my face. That nigga, man. He said he was gonna smoke your dead friends that would have said that. What is. That's what the end of. The end of the thing was. I'm in your face. What does that mean? That he's gonna turn them into ashes and then sprinkle the ashes. Yeah. And he would smoke them in front of you. Yes. And like blow the smoke in your face. Yes. So him, His. Yeah. His mama, his grandmama. Yeah. His auntie. Yeah. Who he believe in as a lord. Even if it's. If it's God, don't do that. But that though, I agree. Amazing. Camp Patterson, way to get tonight started. And it has begun with a great powerful set from Cam Patterson. And now it begins. And our first bucket pool is from the inside. This could be any one of you that signed up. Ladies and gentlemen. Ooh, the lovely Heidi has arrived. Your first comedian goes by the name of Misty B, everybody. Misty B. There it is. Indeed. Coming from the middle. It has begun. Her table is very excited about this. Very much Price is Right energy coming from the middle table. She's one of you from the inside. Make some noise for her. I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Misty B, everyone. Misty B. Hello. Hello. Okay, so I can't get up here and not recognize what today is. It's January 6th. For you, it's Happy Insurrection Day. For the rest of Texas, it's Happy Resurrection Day. Tony, I always knew that you and I had something a little bit in common. Whenever I was watching your Madison Square Garden and you said that Puerto Rico was garbage, I was like, I knew he knew my ex husband. And then I watched your comedy special and you talked about the fags and cunts, and I'm like, oh, my God. That confirms it. He definitely knows my ex husband and his mother, so that's all I got. That's all I got. Okay. Yeah, there you go. All right, Misty B, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Misty B. Misty, how long you been doing stand up comedy? This is my first time ever. Okay, there you go. Welcome, welcome. What made you want to sign up today? Well, I am actually needing a kidney transplant and I'm waiting on a list and it's really long, so I'm checking stuff off my bucket list. So you're here to try to. You're. Does anyone have a kidney that they would like to give away? We have the best fan base. What's your blood type? It looks like it's pretty thick. It is. It's gravy. It's gravy. Very good. I was gonna guess icy Red Band. You love ices. This is your future here. I'm just here because I need a kidney trans. You got a little RFK junior in your voice too. You got that shaky voice. I need a candy transplant. I need some alpus. What were your symptoms for my kidney disease? Yeah, yeah. Red Band's on the lookout here. Had some kidney today, so that I kind of. What do you mean you had kidney today? I got like. I get my blood tested. Oh, God. Tell us more. Yes, your kidneys a little weird, but it's range of like, it's probably fine. Hold on a second, Misty, hold on. We're going full pause here. We've never had it come up where someone has an ailment and you're like, well, I am kind of going through some. I'm going through some kidney today. Like, what. What are the odds that you're going through. This is clearly a sign from God. So weird. We. We both look like deficient. Yes, for sure. What were your symptoms? You are. Well, if you go pee and it looks like a draft beer, that's protein and that's a big sign. So you have a lot of bubbles in your pee. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's amazing. That's a fetish for some people. I have a lot of like. I get tired easy. Of course. Especially where I'm at right now. I can tell. Yeah, Red Band definitely has. Has kidney problems. He is exhausted all the time. It is incredible. Anything else? What were your. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this for Red Band because he's being a little shy right now. Okay. I would love it if you two end up in hospital beds next to each other. We. Craziest episode of Kill Tony ever. We gave each other our own shitty kidneys. Right? That'd be great. If you guys transplant it to each other, we can do dialysis together. Amazing. Okay, so tell us, what have you been eating and drinking your life? Everything. Yeah, but seriously, what are your, like, real guilty pleasures that you think got you this way? Like me, sometimes right before bed, I get a little craving. You know what? I have. I. I've been a naughty boy. I go for the chocolate covered pretzels sometimes right before bed. And I think to myself, this is so wrong. I shouldn't be doing this. But I. I'm a perfect specimen. Now if I was you, it would be different. I'd imagine I would really know. Like, fuck, I should not be drinking lemonade like this right before bed. Like, so what is it exactly? So I actually have a disease that's called fsgs. So it's scarring. Fsgs? Yes. It's scarring of the glomeru of my kidneys, which basically my kidneys let out the things that should stay in my blood and keep in the bad things in my body. And it builds up in my body, and that's what makes me sick and tired. You're gonna die. Yeah. I've seen this before. Bucket List and Andrew Dice. Clay Dice. What do you think about her performance things? She has a lot of guts to walk out here. She literally does have a lot of guts. I'm looking at them right now through, you know, with all the sickness and all, you know, I get sick a lot, and I did. I had some stuff taken out, you know, through the years. What's the thing you don't need? Testicles. The gallbladder. The gallbladder. See, she's like a doctor. She's medical. You had the gallbladder taken out? Yeah. Okay. I gave the guy. I got no problems with your gallbladder. Yeah. But yeah, to. To have the guts to come out here and just. I saw you were nervous. I get it. I was nervous coming out. I've never done kill Tony, but you did a great job. You should be proud of yourself. Thank you. I appreciate. Let me ask you this, Misty. You're on the hunt for a kidney. How much longer do you have? How long? Give us a timeline. How long will you be able to live if there was no kidney given to you? Well, the list right now is six and a half years long. Oh, he's right. So six and a half years. And what are we talking about? What type of bubbles are you at? How filled up is the toilet after you pee? Oh, bad. Bad, huh? Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine red bands. Thinking of a bubble bath right now. This pig over here is like, I'll give you some kidney money. Come over. Pissing my chest. But you look healthy. I mean, you said you were in good condition, so. I am. I am. I need both of my kidneys, though, just in case. I have a lot of fun out there on these streets. And who knows? I might blow one one day. Do you have dfbs or whatever it is? What's it called again? Fs. Fsgs. Fsgs. No, I don't even know what that is. It's called focal segmental glumarosclerosis. Oh. Probably have that. Yeah. Yeah. So real quick, before we get back to the show, I gotta know, what exactly did the doctor say about your blood results in your kidney? So I get, like, the full panel every month and stuff, and they just said, oh, it's a little high, but that's within. Like, that's probably fine. It's just your creatine. Yeah, I have a little bit higher. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, in real time. You're getting the diagnosis. You remember the episode where Red Band found out he had a couple months to live? This is what's great about podcasting. There's nothing prepared. Anything can happen. That's right. Creatine's connected, huh? Yeah, it is. It is. All right, well, Misty, estrogen, I guess, also, I have a lot of that, so. Six and a half years. So. So what, do you have a blood type or something? What do we. What do we have? What, are you in the market? How can we help? So I am a positive. A positive. I just need somebody willing to donate a kidney, and preferably in the Houston area. Houston area? Because I'm from Houston. Yep. And you can either call or go on the website. It'd be hilarious if she was from Rochester. After all, we're just like, if there's a good person out in Rochester willing to give a kidney, it's me, the evil guy from earlier. I didn't mean what I said. Please be a good person. What is that? Like, I was just chloroform him and bringing my own kidney. What was your question, Dice? Houston's like your neighborhood. Well, like, if you're in Dallas or San Antonio, like, you're not interested in the kidney. I don't get that. I mean. I mean, the girl has fnts. Isn't that what it. What's it called? Fsgs. What's that? Fsgs. Oh, that's the. I'm thinking fnts Friday night talk session. It's a whole different thing. Yeah, no, but they just need to go online to the Houston Methodist website or call, and my name is Misty Boudreau, and they can just sign up and start. So you're telling me that right now there is actually a way that if they request that, they will only want to give their kidney to one person that they can actually give? I think we're going to save this lady's life. This is. This is bad for the show. There's going to be a bunch of people with, like, eyes falling out and coming out. I. I didn't really ever care about stand up. I need a. A die here. Please, God. I know I'm not funny at all, but please, my. I don't know. Do you have a. Like, a reward for it? I'll ship in 40 bucks. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Red band just wants bubbly piss pics. All right. Well, there you go. Misty boudreaux in Houston. A positive. Yeah, I have the feeling. 99 of our fan base doesn't even know what blood type they are, so it doesn't matter. So they do paired donations. So if somebody wants to donate in my name, they would find another donor. Oh, they would trade with an. A positive donation. Oh, my God. Well, I'll tell you this. Who in Houston. Whoever in Houston donates their kidney will put you on a guest list for a Kill Tony show. How about that? And here you go. Here's a big joke book for Misty. There you go. She caught it like it was FSGs, everybody. There you go. Misty Boudreau. There you go. Her first. First time on a comedy stage and most likely her last. Everybody. She's not going to be with us much longer. My goodness. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talk Space. It can be challenging to find a mute a therapist that is the right fit. But Talk Space makes it easy. From personalized treatment to meeting online from anywhere, to the ability to text your therapist at any time, Talk Space is so accessible. Talk Talk Space, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Red band. I love Talkspace. Tony. There's. They're. They're providing some very important mental health services. Do you know Talk Space therapy and psych psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers. In fact, most insured members have a zero copay. Wow. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider who will fit your needs well, typically within 48 hours. You can always switch providers at no extra cost. Talk Space makes getting help convenient because you can make your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. You can even talk it out between sessions by sending text, video, or audio messages to your therapist. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talk Space when you go to talkspace.comtony and enter promo code SPACE80 to match with a licensed therapist. Therapist today, go to talkspace.comtony and enter promo code SPACE80 to get 80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's talkspace.comtony promo code SPACE80. Hey there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Guys, there's never been a better time to start a business than right now. It's 2025. Let's do this. Now's the time I started Kill Tony and look how that turned out for me. Best decision I ever made. I love being my own boss and more importantly, I love being Ready Band's boss. And being your own boss has never been easier with Shopify Red Band. Yeah, Tony. The best time to start your new business is right now. Shopify makes it simple to create your brand, open for business and get your first sale. That's right. Get your store up and running easily with thousands of customizable templates. No coding or design skills required. All you need to do is drag and drop. Their powerful social media tools let you connect all your channels and create. Create shoppable posts and help you sell everywhere people scroll. Shopify makes it easy to manage your growing business. They help with the details like shipping taxes and payments from one single dashboard, allowing you to focus on the important stuff like growing your business. What happens if you don't act now? Will you regret it? What if someone beats you to the idea? Don't kick yourself when you hear this again in a year because you didn't do anything. Now with Shopify, your first sale is closer than you think. Established in 2025. Has a nice string to it, doesn't it? Sign up for your $1 per month trial@shopify.com kill Tony. All lowercase go to shopify.com kill Tony to start selling with Shopify today. That's shopify.com kill Tony. Your next bucket pool in an unheard of unprecedented maneuver is also on the inside. Just by pure luck, you're not next. Comedian goes by the name of Carl Curz, everyone. 230 cold souls at a bar across the street wondering why the hell the show hasn't started yet, as both bucket pools are from the inside. Where's Carl? We got movement. Okay, here he comes. I'm gonna pre pull the next. Oh, this is taking forever. Shout out to. Okay, the next one's inside too. That's crazy. Is this like their seat number? Can you wrangle them so that it doesn't take as long? It's not. Oh, okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Another insider. Make some noise for Carl Kurz, everybody. Here we go. Carl Kurz. What's up, guys? I have a kidney, but it also has hep C. So I got picked on a lot in middle school, and I got made fun of a lot. I don't know if you can tell by looking at me. I tried to cover up most of my shame with tattoos. This big fucking crow tattooed on my head. You don't get a crow like this tattooed on your head unless you've been called a one too many times. Can this crow out my head? I'm like, who's a it now, Bryson? Not me. Anyways, I started doing drugs, and inevitably I went to prison. And I didn't want to go to prison poor, so I took a couple things up my ass with me. Took 30 methadone, 2 ounces of weed, half a can of bugler, rolling tobacco, a can. Can of bugler. And when I got there, I was a popular kid. All of a sudden, I wasn't getting picked on anymore. I guess that's all my time. Was there more? Did you want to do more? Go ahead. Oh, that was it? Yeah. All right. You were just naming stuff that you shoved up your ass. Okay. Yeah. I thought you were getting, like, a punchline or something. There's more, but it. Yeah, okay, well, if you want to do the rest, do the rest. It's long. How long? I don't know, 15 seconds. Well, go do the 15 seconds. Jesus. We spent 15 seconds telling you to do the 15 seconds. Yeah. So the worst part about shoving all those drugs up my ass was all the times I went to court and didn't go to prison. Like. Yeah, yeah. It's very important that you do that part Right. That's got the punchline. Right. All of that was set up. You're just naming things you shoved up your ass. I had a feeling there was something more there. Welcome, welcome. Nervous fun stuff. You did very good. Thank you. Good job, Carl. You rolled right off of the lady's kidney, right into it. How long you been doing standup? First time. Really? Wow. How old are you? 44. 44? Yeah. What have you been doing for. With your life up until this point? Methamphetamines, dice. What do you think about this guy? He's been working the thing out. Yeah. I mean, that's a lot of stuff to get out of your. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's a lot. It's like you should pay a toll to go in. Yeah, yeah. Look, I just shove in there until there was no more room. That's. That's a lot of stuff. You grind up the weed and pack it down and kind of make like I don't have to know these. Yeah, well, I mean, you're definitely exaggerating, right? No, no, no, no, no, seriously, 100%. You're being dead serious. Three ounces of wheat. No, no. Two ounces of weed and a half a can of bugler rolling tobacco. Like the Big God. Two ounces. Now, you grind it up in a coffee grinder and you pack it in a pill bottle. Tight. And then you put it in a condom and. And about a half ounce is about the size of an egg. And you make anal beads with condoms. How many? Oh, my God. Dude. So the day I got sentenced, I shot up like 30, I don't know, 300 milligrams of morphine. And I ate eight the mushrooms, and I shoved all that up my ass. My mom was knocking on the door and she's like, you're going to miss your sentence and get all that up your ass. Your mom was encouraging you to shut up your ass. She said, hurry up, get all that up your. Well, she was going to stop me. No one's going to walk in and stop me. So why would his mom know about what's going on? That's a great. That's a great question. Why did your mom know? Did you tell her? I don't know. I don't even remember my sentencing. I was up. But you do remember your mom saying. Oh, I remember that part. That was. Yeah, that was right after I ate the mushrooms. But by the time I got to the courthouse, I was frying balls. So the painkillers. I understand, cuz you're about to shove so much up your ass. Ass. The mushrooms. That was just. What, to make it all fun or something? I just have some laughs. I took all the drugs. Aren't you afraid that the mushroom giggling was gonna make the stuff fall out of your ass? I actually never thought of that. Yeah, I'm gonna up here, I'm gonna shove stuff up your ass. Genius. So if you ever have any more questions, if anyone wants to write in to my magazine. All right. Shove shit up your ass monthly. Yes, that is our official sound effect. All right. Sorry, Dice. So you have me in prison. Oh, only like 18 months. And what was it for? Residential burglary. What? Residential burglary. Okay, so tell us about this robbery. Was this like Home Alone style? You broke through a window and then you're walking over a bed of nails? Like, anything fun happen during the. Here we go. Give me some good residential robbery music. Here we go. Nice and easy on the drums. So I used to Just walk around in the middle of the day. And I would knock on doors, and if no one answered, I'd rob them. And if they did answer, I'd be like, hey, is Steve here? So I watched this house for like two weeks, right? And I fucking finally decided to rob it. And it was different than it normally been. There was a blanket up in the window that wasn't normally there. So I went around the back and I went to open up the back window and I got a.357 Magnum put in my face. Hell yeah. And I said, is Steve here? And yeah, he said. He said, steve don't live here, bro. And I was like, are you sure? Because he said if he wasn't home, just come through the back window. And he's like, I'm going to kill you. So I left. So you just left? Yeah, I just walked away. So that was a time where you got close. How about the one that you got in trouble for? Wasn't too interesting. I. I didn't really get that much. What did you get to steal from the place? A bunch of like the. Like that tur. That turquoise, sterling silver jewelry. The best thing they had. It's like the worst robbery ever. And it's the one I got busted for, you know what, why always Steve? I don't know, man. Steve was my friend's name growing up, and I just. That was the first name that came to mind. You never even thought to maybe go, paul here? No, you just stuck with Steve. I just stuck with Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the old. That got me. Yeah. I don't know. I'm sober now, so. Did they give you a name? Were you like known for your robberies or whatever? Were you like the Steve Bandit or something? No, that's called. No, that's called me a piece of. Right. What's the greatest home robbery you ever got away with? What's the biggest tear take? I got an AK47. Wow, look at that. Got an AK47. And I got a. You ever get an FSGS? Nope, not yet. AK47, what else? Just couple pistols and a bunch of jewelry. Yeah, I robbed the house on a skateboard. What? God. I robbed the house on skateboard. I remember. And I. You know what I want to. To. Did you ever think about just carjacking somebody at that point? Oh, we used to do that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many. How many cars do you think you've carjacked? I stole about three to six cars a night for like. I love that. We can go this Is a show where I pull out of a bucket. One second a guy's going, I used to steal three to six cars a night. The next bucket blows. I need a kidney. I'm gonna die if I don't get a kidney. Then there's this piece of. Yeah, one time I stole a couple's baby right out of their cradle with an AK47. Not. I don't like babies. He should steal his kidney. That would make sense. Yeah. No, we'll do a heist. Some kidney card. Yeah. I love it. Wow. So what do you do for work now? I own a construction company. Oh, why do you laugh when you say that? That's just. Is that your Steve? All the. I just said I'm a construction. I own a construct. Let me come in and measure your door frames. Let me help you out. No, man, I've got. You have an extra key I could borrow so that I could come and do some work while you're on vacation? You can trust me. Look at the crow on my head. I was bullied when I was a kid. You have any idea how many times you have to be called a to put the old crow? Dude, if. If being called A, it means you have to have a crow on your head. I'd have a whole bird's nest up here. I'm 11 years sober now, so. 11 years sober. I love it. How did you. How did you get sober? What was your secret? Oh, man. I, I. All right. There's our drunk, blind bass player. Everybody just smiling, having a good old time. He's been through two episodes today. This guy's smiling ear to ear. Just whiskey to the brim. That's. I, I did a lot of heroin, did a lot of meth, ended up homeless, living in a creek bed. Someone. Wait, what's a creek bed? Exactly? Like, in. Literally. Jesus Christ. Wait. Yeah, I'm like, wow. I've never heard of this. What design is a creek bed? Is that an Ikea? What kind of model is that? I've never heard of a creek bed. Is it like a water bed? Like an actual creek? Like a bed of ro. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ Almighty, dude. Someone sold my. How do you even end up somewhere so uncomfortable? Like, it's like, anywhere. I mean, find a dirt bed before a creek bed. At least stay dry. You're just like, I'm freezing. Oh, it's so hard. This sucks. That is the worst. That true truly is bottom. That's below bottom. You're still literally seed level, right? Well, someone stole my shoes off. My feet While I was sleeping, they sold my top ramen and my toilet paper. Oh, my God. You kept the top ramen and the toilet paper in the creek with you? I had a duffel bag. I just stole a duffel bag. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. I mean, wow. At least if they would you. It's such an interesting collection. My shoes, my top ramen and my toilet paper. They left you with almost nothing. I. I can't believe they took your toilet paper. I had. I had a strike on my record. I had priors. I did a. Like a. I basically threw a brick through a window and. And looted a store. And because of all my prizes. What store? O'Reilly's. Wow. Okay. Welcome to another episode of White Looters, ladies and gentlemen. It's a very rare show. No one's heard of it or pitched it before. It's a show called White Looters where instead of your normal shoe stores or clothing stores, like the normal looting types, like dilute. It's called White Looters unsuspecting. I got eight wrenches, dude. Yeah. Got two, 221800 generators. Oh, I got so many generators, dad. I'm a. My own energy source. I'm gonna start my own construction company, dude. White looting. This is incredible. I've never heard of such a thing. But usually our senior looting correspondent is John D's back here. Wow. So I. I was getting about eight. Eight years in prison they were going to give me because of all the priors and like that. Yeah. A parole officer came in my jail cell and said, you want to try? And I said, yeah, why not? Literally didn't think I was gonna, you know, I was going to prison. I was like it. Rehab has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I'll go to rehab. Yeah. Because I was literally living in a creek bed with no top ramen. So. So I went to rehab. I got sober cook the top ramen. If you were homeless, bro, you just. You just wet it. Just eat it, dude. You can put Greek water in it. Yeah. Oh, gosh. That's gutter one. Oh, my God. Creek water ramen. Wow. That's. I mean, this hasn't even been thought of before. Holy. What's the worst? They see we're finding that this is a common thing for you, like. Yeah. Creek water ramen. Yeah. Yeah. So let me ask you this. What is the worst thing you've eaten in all your prison and all your rehab and all your homeless and all your drug induced time? You're 11 years years sober now. By a miracle. By a miracle, you're here performing. What's the worst thing you ever ate? Oh, probably. Wait, how did you eat. You had to eat it so that you could shove more drugs up your ass. What happened here exactly? Smoke. Wait, did you. After you get all that weed out of your ass, it always smells like doo doo. Oh, wow. Worse. You realize millions of people are going to see this. Ain't gonna. Ain't gonna remember this in two weeks. I don't really give a. I talk about this in AA meetings. So A isn't millions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have to see them again. You know what I mean? I don't have to see any of you again. I like your perspective. I think you're a funny guy. Anything else crazy we should know about you, even though this interview's gone on forever? When I got out of prison and I got sober, I got a gym membership and I ended up taking a shower with the judge that sent me to prison. He had a gym membership as the same. At the same gym as me. Oh, wow. And so I walk into the shower butt naked and there's Judge Curl. Hey, Judge Curl. You said hi to him? Yeah. Do you think he remembered you? He looked terrified, so. Yeah. Yeah, I bet he did. Yeah. I just got out. I was. I was probably about 20 pounds heavier muscle. Holy. Holy. So before I let you go, what's next for your. He just said the judge's name to millions. Understand? He is. He is out here just giving it all away. I don't care, man. I love it. But. Yeah, but he never mentioned if he got back together with Steve. When's the last time you saw Steve? Funny thing, when I got sober, they told me that I could make like my higher power for sobriety, whatever I wanted to. So I just named it Steve. Wow. Cause I'm like, Steve stopped me from getting my fucking head shot off. Right? Wow. When's the last time you talked to Steve? This morning. Wow. You talk to him every day? Yeah, yeah. Does he know that you were going to sign up for the show? Probably. Well, you told him you were signing up for the show? Yeah. So it wouldn't be a problem. It would be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he knew that you signed up for the show. What? Steve's last name. No. You don't say that. No, no, no, no. So you just did stand up here. What are your goals? What's your hope with all this? Is this a one time. Like, what do you. Bro, I don't have anything like this. Where I'm from. So where are you from again? Redding, California. Ah. Yeah. I don't know if you know where it is. Meth country. Yes. Meth country. Yes. North of Modesto. It's right in between Sacramento and Oregon. Yeah. It's a half a point. Oh, yeah. So it's two and a half hours north of set. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Look it up on a map, people. That's frightening. It's the Rochester of California. We got fetty. I'm telling you, man. Card. Carl, you really have a. You really have a knack at this. Going right up straight into a kidney thing. And the good everything at the end and throughout your delivery and everything for, you know, for your fucking life. It's incredible. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. There goes Carl Kurz. We're gonna do something fun before this next inside bucket pool, which is Dante. So, Dante, if you want to come up and get behind the stage, you can do that now. It'll save us some time. Congrats to Dante. He's gonna be next. But before that, I'm gonna. We're gonna do something special real quick. A very, very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen. A few weeks ago, I and my friends did the roast of. Of jelly roll, the 40th surprise birthday roast of Jelly Roll. And it was just a surprise for Jelly Roll for his birthday. It wasn't recorded or anything like that. It's not going anywhere. And one person in particular. In particular really roasted the out of me, and she is one of my longest friends in comedy since I started almost 18 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, here just around share the roast. Jokes from the roast of Jelly Roll that were on me. I present to you one of my favorite comedians, one of the best. She just lit New Year's Eve on fire on cnn. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only Whitney. Com. Hi, everyone. I love you, Tony. Can I just start by saying I love you very much. You're my brother. But here's the thing. I did want to start talking about the Trump rally thing, because it's like, I don't want to keep bringing it up. Like, that needs to go away. It's just that it was so crazy to me that, like, the Trump rally, like, that was just so not set up for comedy at all. The fact that you just went out there, like, it wasn't set up for comedy at all. Like, you walked up there at the Trump rally, half the audience was like, oh, an abortion victim is speaking. We get to hear from a baby who was Terminated at nine months. But I will say, to be clear, Tony Hinchcliffe is not racist, okay? He just looks racist. Tony looks like the kind of guy who says the full N word when he's singing along to Broadway show tunes. Tony, you were at what was considered the most disastrous Trump rally, and there was one where he got shot in the head. I. Two people died in Pennsylvania. Yours was the most upsetting. At least. At least when two people got shot in the head, at least we didn't have to hear Jennifer Lopez give a speech about it. Like that was. And then the next day, do you remember Donald Trump pretended not to know who you were. This is a man who publicly admitted to being friends with Jeffrey Epstein. This is a man who wished Ghislaine Maxwell well when she went to prison on tv. He pretended not to know it. You sucked Trump's dick, and then he pretended not to know you. Now you know what it's like to be a Miss USA contestant. So. And this was not the first time something like this happened. A little while back, Tony got in trouble for saying the C word. That's right. Some cunt got mad that he said chank. You know, Tony was actually. He came here like, you know, during the piece pandemic. You know, I love his, like, new look, being in Texas, like being a more western guy. I didn't know they sold cowboy boots at Build a Bear. Tony, I love you so much. What an honor to be on kill. Tony, what a trip. Whitney Cummings, what a cool drop in. He's here roasting my ass. Make some noise for the great Whitney Cummings, everybody. What a cool cameo, huh? We having fun here tonight. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Prize Picks. Prize Picks is the best place to get real money sports action. With over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings, Prize Picks has made daily fantasy sports accessible to all. You just pick more or less on at least two players for a shot to win up to 1000 times your cash. Run your game all season long on prize picks. Red Ban. Tony. I love prize picks. This week on Prize Picks, I'm looking at the football board and selecting Travis Kel Kelce. Yeah, that's for more than 70 receiving yards. And Lamar Jackson for more than 250 passing yards. Red Band knows what he's talking about. Prize picks is the best way to get the action. Get in on the action in sports. In more than 30 states, including California, Texas, Georgia and Florida, sign up today and get $50 instantly. When you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Prize picks is the best way to win real money this football season. Which players are going off? Which ones aren't? Download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Again, download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 line lineup. Prize picks run your game. If you need three new reasons to love Jack wraps at Jack in the box even more, here they are. Chicken fajita, chicken caesar, and delicious starting at $3. Coincidentally, those are the same three reasons you should come to Jack in the box right now at Jack, every bite's a big deal. All right, back to the bucket we go. Like I said, three insides in a row. The odds of that are absolutely insane. It's never happened before. Again, there's literally hundreds of people, comedians in a bar across the street, and somehow the inside is that lucky. Make some noise for Dante, everybody. Dante from the inside. Hello, Austin. How you doing? I'm here with my. My new fiance. She just got us tickets, and we. We got to fly out here, see the show. She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving for the first time. I come from a big family. Four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family. So as we're all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything, we call it a dressing. She said, what's the difference between dressing and stuffing? I said, well, I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this. Just kidding. Kidding. She's gonna kill me for that. She did like me because she said I was a fun guy, like a mushroom. I met her in a bar. We were sitting there. She had told me that. He's still laughing. Just got it. She told me that we were sitting in a bar and she bought me a drink. And she said, why are you sitting in here alone? I said, well, I just got. I just broke up with my ex. She said I was too kinky for her. And she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex, too. He said that I was too kinky. And so one thing led to another. I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky. So we go back to her house. We're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bath. All right, just keep going now because we're already almost there. Is this another street joke or Is this like a real joke that you made up? Joke. Okay, keep going. So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat of nine tails, stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as. And I'm standing at the door ready to leave, and she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were going to get kinky. And I said, well, I already. Your poodle and in your purse. Ah, you're like a street jokes guy. You've heard these jokes before. Before? I've, I've never done this. Well, I know, but you signed up and you just did jokes that you've, like, been told by funny friends before. What's the difference between dressing and stuffing? What? Tom, I won't be dressing my. Right. You didn't write these, right? No, I didn't. Right, exactly. That's what people are doing here. Well, the Thanksgiving one I wrote, I guess I didn't write anything. I just kind of memorized it and I gotcha. You know what it is? Yeah, yeah. Hit me with a Dice. This is. Perhaps he's trying to look good in front of the fiance, right? Oh, yeah. Well, this isn't going to look good in front of her. But you don't. Yeah, she's, she's going to be upset with me. You don't. Hey, I, I, we all agree, even Michael, the ring back. Maybe that's what the aim was. I don't know. I'm just here. It is true. Dice is correct. This is backfiring. Even Michael Gonzalez, one of the nicest guys in the world, yelled, that's right. When Dice said, you don't do that. So do you think that she really loves you, or do you think that this may have entirely backfired? No, she loves me. Okay. How long have you two been together? About five years now. Five years. How long have you been engaged? Four months. Four months. And this. When's this wedding planned? When's it going to take place? Do you know? We're probably gonna, we haven't, we haven't picked a date yet. No. My daughter's getting married, and so we're kind of letting her do her thing first. Gotta pay for that and deal with that, and then we'll, we'll do ours afterwards. Is this your, this is your second marriage? Yeah. Yeah. Both. Yeah. Is this her first marriage? Marriage? The fiance. Second also. This is the funny. This is the funny. Both of your second marriages? Yeah, yeah. With baggage, other kids, the whole thing. Get the, out of. Did she sign up as well? Well, did Your fiance sign up? No. No, she didn't. No. You guys came here just the two of you? Just the two of us, Yep. And where'd you come from again? We came from Orlando. Orlando, okay. Is that where you. That's where you live? Yeah. We just saw you in Orlando, like, yeah, three months ago. What do you do for work in Orlando? I build pools for a living. Okay. That seems like you'd be pretty busy out there. We are, yeah, we're busy. What part of the trip did you decide that you were going to sign up for? The ship show? Were you driving here? No, she walked by while we were in line, standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up? Wait, you decided then? I wasn't going to until she walked by because, well, I mean, of course she's gonna walk by. People that were around. You were there to sign up, right? Well, I, I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to poor choices and sign up and we didn't, we didn't make it over there. We were kind of, we got here but about 7:45. So what do you. We were just standing outside kind of confused. Did. Was there a special sign up thing that happened? Someone walking by? Yes. You guys heard this as well. All right. And someone yelled, does anyone want to sign up? And so just a bunch of dumb asses were like, well, yeah, they need comedians. Just me. I was, I think you were the only one. Maybe. I don't know. I didn't. It was a long line, actually. Well, no. Yeah, well, that's a common thing. No, it's a common thing that we would have to do because they have to get the signups from the people that do want to sign up that are coming in from the ins, from the audience. So yeah, it makes perfect sense. But the part that doesn't make sense is this is the first time I do believe in the show's history in which I ever heard that someone decided right then just because someone was taking like, you know what the show is. And then here you are doing, you know, like jokes. Hey, I figured it, we came here, I'm gonna do it, you know, Know. How do you feel? How do you feel now? Now that's cool. People with courage. These are the people that would go bungee jumping and forget to connect the cord. Like they're all just like, woo, Adventure. Yeah, go for it. It. I'll chase your dreams. But look at, look at them now. Look at them. I'm with Dice on this one. I think you may have just up the rest of your life. How old are you actually? Just turned 49. Okay. More kids? You think there's going to be more kids? No, no more. No. How do you know that? Cuz I can't have kids. How old is she? 33. How'd you guys meet? There might be some more kids. How did you meet? Were you back there putting in a pool or something? No, we actually. We actually met at a bar she was bartending at at Twin Peaks in Orlando. And I. I saw her when she walked in and I said, she's clapping extra hard. She's a roots for team Gold digger over here. Look at this one. I said, I need to get your number. Win for tits. Wow, she does have nice tits. Well, where is she? Is she right here? No, she's somewhere back there. Are they out? Are the tits out tonight? Keno, give us some house lighting here. Let's see what's going on. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. All right. Okay. Wow. My pool just went above ground. Look at that. It's incredible. What do you think about frothy pee? Fucking disgusting. Unbelievable. Turn the lights back off. Okay, Dante, I spent way, way, way too much time with you. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Suicidal Dante. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your next comedian. This was an actual comedian from across the street. Make some noise for him. He knew he was signing up for the show before he got here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Jones. Mike Jones. When a man gets pregnant, does a baby come out of his. Could you imagine being the delivery doctor? I mean, I mean, dude's gonna shit a baby, you're like, push. Oh God, that was fucking disgusting. The dads are horrified. Sue you for hate speech, you piece of shit. You gotta feel bad for gays that want kids though. First you gotta come in his dick hole. Sounds hard, right, Tony? But I have a solution. It's a double ended fleshlight. Now gays can stare each other in the eyes, you know, fuck with a little decency. Or you could just pull the plug from the middle, right as you both come. Then it's like a little gay fountain. So basically you can be as gay as you want with a tone. Tony, very cool, thank you. I guess I'm the gay one after somehow all that gay that you thought of and wrote and memorized. You freak. Yes, good one, Mike. It's the hardest. I've been roasted. The whole episode was your gay fantasies. And you go, right, Tony, it's Like, how am I the gay one? You're the gay one, you creep. You're hurting my feelings, man. How's it going, bud? How are you? How long you been doing, Stan? Stand up. This is my first time on. What is going on tonight? This is just annoying at this point. It's a bunch of mentally ill people like, you'll never believe. This is my first time. It is. I'm. We're not surprised. It wasn't any better than we've had three first times before you Tonight. They were all better. That hurts. I know. It's hard to believe. So, Mike, tell us what made you want to start tonight? How old are you? What's that? How old are you? I'm 40. Yep. What made you want to start tonight? So, yeah, so I made a card game, actually, and. Oh, God. All right, here's a little joke book. I'm gonna keep it moving along. Yeah, no, I don't know. Yeah, I don't want you to promote your stupid card game. Let's go. We're keeping it moving. It's okay. Put the mic back in the mic stand. There you go. Jesus Christ. People used to come on this show to, like, try to make it so many. Now. Now it's people. I got a new card game. I need a kidney. So many real comments. Hold on, hold on. The guy before him look like an absolute genius. Yeah. The guy would buy a ticket to see the guy before him. I mean, that was, what, at 40 years old? Why in your right mind would you go, I'm going to go out and talk about sucking. Come out of another guy's. Understand. I agree there's issues there. I agree. Dante is balling out of control in the middle of the room right now. Now he's sucking on his fiance's tits in celebration of how good Mike Jones just made him look. See, you never know what's bad till you just see something way worse. Yeah, that's it. So true. It's so true. Well, hopefully this gets better. We got another bucket pool. 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Going to Candace August. August, everybody. Candace August. Hello, Austin. How you doing? All right, let's get right into it. I realize I'm a hypocrite when it comes to my health. A hypocrite because when the COVID vaccine came out, I was like, absolutely not. There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health. Then when Ozempic came out, I was like, give me that shit right now. Give it to me right now. You can put it right here, Doc. Put it right. You said £40 in two months, both sides. Put it on. Both lost a bit of weight, but not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere. Thank you so much. They're real big, as you can see, and they rub together when I walk. So because of the friction, they're very dark in the middle. Super black right here. Don't look away, Tony. Very black. Super black in the middle when I say black, y'all. These thighs could have marched with Dr. King. Just black as shit. I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport for me. Let her go. Oh, my God. I want to hear more about the black thighs. Let her go. I'm sorry. That was the time limit. Do you have more black thighs stuff? Keep going. Yeah, absolutely. My last one. This is my closer. It says, I was outside minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a Newport from a nigga. This is a breath of fresh air. Candice August has arrived. To the Kill Tony universe. I can't tell whether you're great or the rest of the show is sucked that bad. Dice was just reminding us we don't know what's bad until we just got word. Dante. Holy shit. Andrew Dice. Hi. I'm sorry. I didn't look over. Hi. It's okay. Hell, yeah. Look at that. Oh, my God. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Sorry, Tony. Go right ahead. No, it's great. You killed. How long you been doing standup? 11 years. 11 years. 11 years. All of it in Atlanta or how long have you. Houston or Atlanta? Which one is it? Here? Come on. Yes. One more. One more. Black city. Somebody said it. Really? It's New Orleans. DC. Oh, yeah. DC Makes sense. So I. I started in DC and then I moved to New Jersey. So I did. New Jersey, New York, and then I most recently just came from the Tampa comedy scene. I love it. And now you live here? Now I live. Just moved here, like, a month ago. That's fantastic. This is exactly where you belong. You are in the right place at the right time. I love it. And you were a bigger girl before. Really? How much weight did you lose? Yeah, I've lost, like, about. About 68 pounds. Wow. Hell, yeah. Red band. Come on. What's going on over there? Red band, sir. It's red band over here. Oh, my goodness. I. I expected it. I expected it. Yeah. His inner thighs are also black from all the melted chocolate. When he falls asleep at night. Night, Easty falls asleep with Milk Duds on His lap. This guy. I love it, Candace. So how about for a job? How long have you been answering customer service calls? I actually do do phone sales. God damn it. Can you tell by my voice? Absolutely. I love it. You do. You have a lovely, lovely voice. Thank you. Is it really true that your inner thighs are blacker than the rest? They're very darker. The. In the middle from the friction. Yeah, they're darker. Is that his name? Red band with the assist. Thank you, sir. Absolutely. Our senior Big Thigh correspondent, Brian Redband. Absolutely incredible. Candace. I love your energy. Did you move here alone? You have a. You got a man? My. I have a husband. Yeah. Yeah. How long have you two been together? We just got married. 23. 23. So February 3rd, 2023. Okay. Yeah, easy to remember. I like it. What does he do? He also does. He works at a debt consolidation company. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Normally they're the ones doing the calling for debt consolidation. It's interesting that there's a someone with experience on the other end of the line. That's so fun. And how about your phone call thing? What's that? I also work at a debt consolidation company. We work at two different. But we both work at debt settlement and consolidation companies. That's amazing. What are the odds that you both did? You guys. Oh, you guys met at work? We did not meet there. We did not meet there. We met on plenty of fish. Wow. Yeah. Years and years ago. I don't recommend it. Plenty of fish is the ghetto of dating sites. Don't do it. Yeah. Why? Why is that? Explain that to us so that we understand. Why is there plenty of fish? I don't know. It just had the most horrible trash selection. He was, like, the only person on there who was great, and I happened to have him, and that's it. So there's no one left? There's no one left on there. What was that first date? Like, what'd you guys do? We went out for, like, just cocktails. We just had, like, a drink after work. He drank a really, like. His order was impressive. It was like, this really tasty watermelon martini. No. Come on. Wait here. What are you groaning for? We're having fun here. You are assuming that my husband is black, sir, and he is not. Oh, yeah. So he was a pina colada. He is also not Latino. Guess again. Again. Oh, my goodness. He got an old Fashioned. He's not white. Do you want to keep guessing or shall I tell him? Oh, my God, he got a hot socket. I consolidate your debt. Consider Your debt consolidated. You owe nothing in nomore. I will put you out of your misery. My husband is Indian. Oh, my God. How did I not know with everyone working at a call center? Wow. You should have known. Oh, my goodness. So what was the order? What exactly does an Indian order? Mud water. No, you can't get canceled by the Indians. They don't listen to the show. They don't care about it. We're friends with Asana Mod. We're good. He. It was just a very, very top shelf scotch he drinks. Yeah. And it just. I'm from New Orleans, so. Like a drink. Thank you. Oh, okay. There's a drinking culture there. And just. He just impressed me because he had had a very mature order. You know, like not ordering sex on the beach like some teenager. Like, it was very. That is very mature, especially for an Indian. Did he perhaps, like, pour it all over his hands and stuff and, like, try to flip it around, mix it with bread and then like, Indians are wild out there. We don't even know what kind of Indian she's talking about, you know? Are we. Thank you. Are we talking teepee? Are we talking 7 11? I'm a singer. I would like a top shelf liquor. You guys just want to offend. Everyone. Welcome. Join us. Join us. Not gonna stop until you offend every fucking body. We will roast them until they look like your inner thighs, whoever they may be. White people aren't safe. They're the worst of them all. It's an excellent question, sir. In my set, I say, you know, if you need a little bit of clarification, he is not tax free casino Indian. He is cab driving 711 Indian. So. You hit that right on the nose. You hit that right on the nose. Amazing. Amazing. But she kicked ass tonight. It was great. That was unbelievable. It was un. And truthful about your, you know, the. The Ozempic thing. Yeah. I mean, me, I like them thick and beefy. Well, all right. You know what I mean? Thinking of you. I'm talking looking two feet deep from belly to back with a triple chin on the back of her head. Oh. Oh, my God. This might be the best day of my life. Oh, my God. It really is. And I gotta tell you, we needed you. Every bucket pole has stunk up the stage so much that you would think it was your husband's wife beater in the hamper. They have a lot in common with them. Like butter chicken, like. Wait, what? Shut up. What does that even mean? What did you just say? I don't even know. Red Band May have actually just been racist just then. What is butter chipping? That is an Indian dish. Oh, buttered chicken. It is an Indian that, that's actually, that was a good one. Red band butter chicken. I thought you said butter tripping. I'm like, oh Jesus. I don't even know what that means. Wow, that's amazing. I cannot, I don't think I've ever seen an Indian man with a black woman before. He must have like, how do you think he ended up with that kind of confidence? Normally it takes a very specific kind of swagger to get a real. Especially a fucking D.C. tampa fucking like I know what's going on over there. But how does a. Because he's Indian or normal Indian guys are normally pretty little. Right? Are you taller than him? No, he's 6 1. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Maybe 6 foot even. 6 1. Yeah, he's tall. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow, that is incredible. I never even seen one like that. Like if you think of being in the 7 11, you're never looking at a tall guy. Which is the reason I steal. I'm not afraid. Exactly. It is incredible. But where do you think he gets that confidence? Even with height? I still think that it takes a certain type of guy. I've still never seen a tall Indian guy with a powerful black woman either. He's just, I don't know, he's just an amazing person. I, I just kind of a quiet confidence. Not very braggadocious. Just kind and generous. Just a great, great person. I love him more than I've ever loved anything in my life. Unbelievable. Candice August, I hope you sign up more. I hope we get to see more of you. Red band. I would love to have you on the Secret show. Candice August is book for the Secret Show. There it is, big joke book. What an appearance. What a debut. That is how it's supposed to go. Make some noise for Candice August everyone. Oh, thank you. What a moment. What makes a great pair of glasses at Warby Parker? It's all the invisible extra without the extra cost. Their designer quality frames start at $95 including prescription lenses plus scratch resistant, smudge resistant and anti reflective coatings and UV protection and free adjustments for life. To find your next pair of glasses, sunglasses or contact lenses or to find the Warby Parker store nearest you, head over to warbyparker.com that's warbyparker.com your next bucketful. Yeah, amazing. Avoid the sexiness. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bucket Poll goes by the name of tj, everyone. Tj. Here comes tj. Oh, wow. You know who this looks like? All right, let's start from scratch here. Let's. I'm gonna give you. I don't normally make a joke at the top of somebody's set. I couldn't help myself. It was just right there. Ladies and gentlemen, a fresh start. Make some noise for tj, everyone. Awesome. Thank you guys so much. You guys are. Y'all are real friendly. Like, I had someone just the other day come up to me, he's like, excuse me, has someone ever told you you look like Kobe Bryant? I like. Nah, I should get Dalzine from Street Fighter Yoga play. Yeah, but. But I'm not technically even black. Nah. Like, I'm more like Kamala Harris. Yeah, like, we pretend to be black, so fuck that bitch. Today's Freedom Day. Justin Trudeau just resigned, and I'm fucking celebrating. 51st date. Come here we come. But, yeah, I just got back from Japan and people wanted to take pictures with me. Honestly, I didn't know why, because I wasn't even wearing this jersey. It's a children's large. Yeah, I got it for my 40th birthday four years ago. But, yeah, honestly, I just want to thank semen retention for the last 18 months because I'm manifesting this fucking moment right now. Thank you for even playing. Like. Yeah. All right, tj. There you go. That was your part, and now you are in it. You're in the interview part, tj. All right. Wow. First of all, let me tell you, you are the biggest seven year old I've ever seen in my entire life. You look like a giant child. How tall are you exactly, TJ? I'm 63. You're 6ft 6. 3. 6. 3. Okay, you're nervous. You got a little. Little slur there. Wow. Dice, what do you think about this guy? He might be the Indian husband. That's what I'm. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. What ethnicity are you, tj? I'm actually Sri Lankan. Oh, what are they known for? Tourism, Tourist. It's a beautiful country. It's way better than. Well, are you the head of tourism there? It's great. Wait, I actually. Oh, my God. Okay, he's about to pass out. Does anyone have a glass of water? These. These hipsters are handing you their half filled drinks. No, don't do that. Don't. Don't do that. We will. We have. We have to have a water back Here, we're gonna grab you a water. It's okay. I know. It's okay. We're gonna get you a water. Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone. What's going on? Look, Kobe Bryant ain't strong enough to open a bottle of water. This might be the Kobe. Kobe looked better than you after the helicopter crash, by the way. So, tj, how long have you been doing stand up? Just over a year. I quit my corporate job. I've been doing this full time. I've been touring. I went to Bangkok, open mics. I did a show in Tokyo. Just open mics. And how hard are you bombing in Tokyo? I can't even imagine. Yeah. Went to Bangkok for this. I did. Live the dream. Wow. Wow. So love a mentality. Okay. Trying to be better each and every day. Okay. But do you practice every day? I'm trying. Well, I'm here. Well, yeah, you're here right now. I do this every Monday. I've never seen you before, right? Yeah, but I just started a year ago. Okay. Yeah. All right. But you're out at open mics practicing every night. Every night in Austin. I just got here three nights ago. I literally just got to Austin. Okay. From where? From Canada. What part of Canada? Toronto. Okay. That's why you look like that. Yeah. How many times did you get vaccinated? Tell the truth. I did not. I'm a Republican from Canada. Like, I did not get vaccinated. First time I've ever seen a Republican in a Lakers jersey. I don't know if I believe any of this. This. What. What do you think makes you a Republican? Just out of curiosity. I don't normally like to get political, but. You look too skinny to be a Republican. But tell me more that's coming from me. It's just more right wing. Like, if you think about what's gone on in the world, like, I feel like. All right, forget it. I wish I wouldn't have asked that question. And, well, yeah. What do you do for work? I was a banker and now I'm in sales. Okay. What are you selling? Reputation management. What does that mean exactly? We protect people's reputation online. Okay, that sounds interesting. Yeah, I think I got a lot of phone calls from you guys a couple months ago. Amazing. Okay, so what do you do for fun? I play tennis, do comedy, hiking. Yeah. What else? There's no other dream you have? Damn instrument. Something. Are you killing my dreams right now? No, I'm asking. He wants to know. No, because I'm 44. I finally figured out this is What I like doing and I'm finally fucking. What do you think made it take 44 years? 43 years. I didn't grow the balls. So with semen retention, like, I actually finally grew the balls. Wouldn't you agree that your balls are the same size that they've been for over 20 years? Years. That's maybe. Did your Sri Lankan parents have anything to do with you not wanting to chase your dreams? Possibly. I don't know. No. They were pretty supportive. They're supportive of me being here right now, so they're awesome. Okay. All right. This is all good impersonations. Great question. Wait, you're still going with this Kobe thing is ever Is all. Almost like he didn't hear he had an axe it in. You look more like the guy from Indiana Jones that like, hum, hum. That guy. Yeah. Super topical reference from Brian Redband 1988 classic. Yeah. Kobe and Indiana Jones are just as old as one another. Amazing. Do your shot one more time. Let's see what a basketball shot from you looks like. Cuz it was unbelievable. What I think I saw a moment ago. I tried to pretend like I didn't and see it, but I want to see it again. I. I technically don't play. I play tennis. It's okay. Just put the microphone down for a second. Let's see what it would look like you shooting a basketball into a hoop. No, wait, wait, wait. Step back a little. Step back. Yeah. All right. All right. Now go. No, that's. That's not how he did it. He had that foot in front. It's a right foot. I want to see Kobe Bryant, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Wow. Wow. There's a certain smell that just went over the entire room from that. That is a Sri Lankan salsa if I've ever smelled one. That is absolutely incredible. Drink less water. You're sweating too much. No. Okay, tj, but this was fun. Here's a. I like your style. And since even though I would normally give you a small joke book, it looks good with your jersey. Here's a medium KT joke book. Tj. So bass. So Kobe. What? Go Kobe? Yeah, Kobe would have caught it. Yeah. Music for what? You're going to dance out. Give him some music to dance out of. You know what? I've never had anybody ask for that before. And I'm just in the giving mood. Give him some. Can we get some Sri Lankan. Can we get some Sri Lankan dance music? Oh, Jesus. Wow. Okay. There he goes, everyone. TJ dancing his way back to obscurity. He didn't even dance. You forgot the book. You didn't take the water. He forgot his joke book. Tell. There actually is, and I mean this in the most non racist way humanly possible, but there really is a scent up here on stage right now. It is quite incredible. You smell that? You know what? I. Hold on a second, guys. Hold on. I saw like if he had like a little wig on, like he could remember when I said the part about doing impersonations. Yeah, like picture this. I'm just gonna. You tell me what it's from Red Band on the. Yeah, just listen. I am k. What show? I. You're right. Red Band will know that this is from the 70s or 80s. Kung fu, right? Yeah. David Carradine. I am Kane. Oh, yeah. I should have known that that line even references put those two together. He's got an act. Maybe not. I mean, I thought he stunk. I. I just gotta be honest. Yeah, he told me, like, be nice. I don't know, Todd. I'm trying, man. Yeah, it's really something. All right, you guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. This is J.P. lambias. J.P. lambias, J.P. everyone. I wanted to learn more about my ancestry, so I did that. 23andMe. Turns out that's just the number of Asians in Austin, Texas. 23. And me, they're all at UT. I'm not really into politics. My friend asked me what my political views are and I'm just. I don't know. He goes, well, it's simple. Do you like Trump or do you like Obama? And I'm like, I don't think it's that black and white. I went to Mexico City. I learned about mole. This lady was teaching it. She goes, there's green mole, there's red mole, there's brown mole. I'm like, I got a question. She's like, yeah, is guac a mole? Thank you, jp. Lambiase. Am I saying that correctly? Lambiase. Lambiase. Okay. Hell yeah. Now what is lambiase? What kind of last name is that for an Asian boy? It's a little interesting. It's actually French, but my dad's Italian. Amazing. Yeah, I was. I was bought. I was bought by Italians. You were bought by a what? Italians. I was like adopted. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Italians are good people. Yep. Out there saving Asian babies. You were bought from France? South Korea. South Korea. Just wanted to make. I still don't understand. Oh, I see. Do they. Does your Italian family pronounce it Lambia? Ace. I think originally it was lambiasi, so ironically, you were correct. No, yeah, no, I know. Yeah, that makes sense. I read names every week on this show. I just found it interesting. I've never seen an Asian with an Italian name. Yeah, it's. It's fun. What's JP short for? Jap. Is that a Slurpee? Did I just accidentally slur again? Oops. Oops. I slurred again. It's a J. You can't only do it if it's an Asian guy and it's jp. You're having fun, right? No, I mean, that wasn't Right. That wasn't. Oh, okay. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Absolutely amazing. Hell yeah. Asians love playing the victim for some reason. Little fun fact. It's very weird. They don't have to do that, but they do that one. Good question. John De wants to know. He doesn't ask many questions, but I did just hear him ask. Were you on Squid Games? I got out. I did. I did it. I did. Okay. All right, so welcome, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Yeah. Yeah. It was a train wreck. What happened then? I was. I was going through a lawsuit, so I couldn't really have the interview proper. And. And I didn't even get to, like, say hi to Brian. But to be a famous YouTuber. Him and his girl, and then she. Him and took everything. Well, no, she didn't me. She. Other. Yeah. Oh, but she screwed you over business wise. Yeah. So she kind of locked me out of my YouTube channel, and now she's just slandering me online, and there's a lot of drama. Oh, boy. But it's like, you know, I think it's like a cautionary tale. Don't do business with your fiance. Right. How long were you with this girl? Ten years. Oh, Jesus. Wow. Good Lord. What type of a slandering is she doing? What is she saying bad about you? She said that I'm verbally abusive, which could be true, but she also said rare for an Asian, but for someone raised by Italians, makes perfect sense. Do you get mad like an Italian? Did your parents teach you that? When you. When you get mad, do you. Are you Asian? Are you Italian? You get a little. Actually pretty. Italy is very Italian. My dad's like a capiche manga, like. But that's all he knows. So it's just like, all right, dad, you know, like, mozzarell. I'm like, I'm not gonna say mozzarella sticks at an Applebee's. You know what I mean? Good. Now I Got you being racist back to me. So we're good about the jab thing earlier. Just to let you know, you know Italians, we're just all moots at all to one another. God, so racist. I feel like a real victim right now. Well, thank you, Red band. Okay, so. All right, well, then maybe we shouldn't talk about your slandering, suing ex girlfriend then, huh? I like to. It's fine, but. Well, what do you want to say? I mean, what's interesting about all that? Well, I mean, I guess. Guess she outed me as, like, a homosexual, so that's been kind of cool. I can relate to you on that, you know. Right, sure. But does she have any actual. Have you ever done anything homosexual? Like. Yeah, I texted her I'm gay. Oh, that'll do it. That's gayer than anything I've ever done. So it looks like we can't really relate to each other at all. Yeah. Well, did you text her that because you're gay? No, she wouldn't give me my. My apple, my phone back. And I said, well, if I keep asking that, that's not working, so why don't I try a new. A different approach? Oh, that's actually kind of smart. Yeah. And so you're just like. You're just. You're at that point, you're just like, please, you know, I don't have anybody else to go to. Like, I'm gay. Please help me. And then she sent me what I needed. I was just like, dude, it worked. Holy. She said, it makes so much sense now. And see what I'm saying? That's actually a smart approach. If all else fails with the crazy chick, just go gay. That's amazing. It doesn't hurt. That is some Jedi level. It took an Asian raised by Italians to figure that out, just to crack the code. And of course, in their own inner anger and rationalization with themselves, they're like, oh, that makes sense. Of course you're gay. You it. Right. Did you have to prove anything? Did you Photoshop any dicks in your mouth or anything like that? No, I didn't have to prove anything. She bought it. She bought it. Amazing. And so did the Internet. They're like, we knew she's just a. She's just a white girl. Just a white girl. Isn't that amazing? A white girl giving an Asian an Apple phone for a change. Isn't that amazing? Just absolutely incredible Little role reversal there. Amazing. So 10 years with her, though. Did you have fun in bed? No. Okay, how about now? Have you been? Have you been now that you're finally. How long have you been single? For, like, two years now. How about two years? Have you gotten some. Some action? Yeah. That's what caused all the problems. I. I got, like. She broke up with me. I'm like. She's like, move on already. So I went on the dating app, and I ended up meeting someone, and she ended up tracking it, and then, like. Like, caused all this chaos. Oh, boy. And, like, I didn't think she was a jealous person. We were together 10 years, but she had me on a tight leash for 10 years. Like, we were to work together, live together, right? Kind of slept together sometimes, right. But when I finally moved on, she went, like, literally ape. She literally stormed, like. Like, I cheated on her. She stormed into my apartment, ransacked all the camera gear. I was in my underwear. And I'm just like, you wouldn't walk. When you walk into something in the bathroom, you're like, oh, sorry, you're in the bathroom. You don't just walk in, like, oh, I need to grab some stuff. You know what I mean? So I just. He's trying. He's got the dice starter kit on. Yeah, he does. He's got the gloves. Andrew Rice Clay over here. But you like girls. Do you watch the Godfather Christmas time? Yeah. Well, I mean, like, you remember he brings the chick upstairs during the wedding. You like that scene? Yeah, absolutely. That's one of the best scenes. I mean, does it excite you when he's got that chick with her big pig tits nailed against the wall? Take that. Absolutely. Do you like that? I like that. I like that. I like that. All right. What are you, my father? I like that. What do I got to prove to you? Let me see you do Marlon Brando. Like, the Asian. No, that's not it. That stinks. That's terrible. That's just me, like, oh, that's you. Jesus, you didn't even do this part. I don't do impersonations. See? Isn't that a little better when you do that? It's a little better. All right. He just. He just looks like a homeless Asian woman to me. I don't understand the whole bundling. It is crazy. I'm. I'm cold. You are? How cold can you be? What? The weatherman said it's a little cold outside. He lives in his car. It's not a blizzard. You look like an accountant for everyone had a barrel fire. Oh. Yep. Get it? Okay. Sorry, dad. All right, this is it. This is. He is the Italian that adopted him. Wow. So jp, I mean, you're. She's no longer bothering you, right? Everything's moved on. No, clear constant right now. Really? Yeah, but as we speak. Well, don't. Don't bring your trouble to us, dude. We like you. Whoever you are. Best of luck with everything now. You're good. She wants to get on the show and tell her story. Oh boy. She wants to get on this show? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Yikes. She needs a minute first. But you gotta move on, my friend. Does she do stand up sometimes? I wrote her a minute. What? I wrote her a minute. When was that? We did. When we were dating. We did. Cut. We did a comedy class together and she had to do the graduation night. And that's a minute you guys did five. Wow. They're pretty good. How many of the minutes did you write? This is so Asian. Doing the homework for the white person. You wrote all five of the minutes? No, I gotta give her some credit. I think she might have got like couple. Couple jokes in there. All right, all right. She's pretty funny. So does she do stand up comedy sometimes? No, not at all. She actually was terrified to do it. Did you guys start at the same time you took that comedy class before or what? No. My friend at Carmen Malone does a comedy class in Orlando. You just dropped a name. Now I don't like you. Oh, sorry. People giving shout outs out here. I know, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter anyway. But he has a comedy class and we just took the clock. Yeah, it doesn't matter. The answer was. Oh, that, that. Well, that's over now. It's okay. It seems like your whole identity is this girl. And it seems like her whole identity might be you. Do you think? Looking at me like he agrees? I don't know. Red band follows like YouTube shows and I don't know what's going on. Even me or your wife, when I'm gonna stop both of you from talking for a second. Do you think there's a chance that you guys. Guys might still be deeply in love with one another? My ex. Yeah, the one that we've been talking about for 10 minutes straight. I didn't know you're talking about. No, I know you and Red Ban aren't deep. I mean, 10 years together, spent every day together. Do look strangely like his girlfriend though. Now that I think up. Tony, glass of Janice. Is that you? I know she's been getting migraines lately. She might be a little swollen. She might have a inflamed head. Wow, that actually is a pretty good impression. Is Janice here? Can we get Janice? Can we do a side by side? I'm sorry. You get excited, too. I'm not trying to rile up Dice here with my Asian accent, all right? Well, it's not even that Asian. I don't even believe you. Say hello. If you're gonna do it, go all the way with the hello. No, see, that's not. You're never going nowhere with that, all right? It's not what the people are looking for. If you're gonna go Asian, you gotta go Asian. You could do a more Asian accent than that. Let's hear it. They can't say the letter L, right? Yeah, that's a good way to know. He's trying to help you. You've taken a comedy class before. This is like a comedy class. Exactly what I'm teaching him here. He's teaching you how to do an Asian accent. So come on, give it to us. Summon the people. Italian, you know, you come out to a crowd, you go, hey, how you. Wait. How you doing, everybody? My name. What's your name again? JP Name. That's. That's not an Asian name. Okay? Tight like tiger. I know a JP he's doing 20 to life. You understand? Ying. Ying. All right, all right. Hey. What? Hello. Hello, I'm Ying. Hello, I'm Ying. And Daniel. Hi, Ro. I'm Ying. And you're a face. Hey, look, if I dish it, I could take it. Okay, good. Good job. Smart man. Yeah, that's right. No, no, you got the. I like your glasses. Not fought, man. Oh, man. I said smart man. All right, you're making it very weird. I could see why your ex sued you and took your. I don't do it. It's creepy after a while. I don't even do those kind of jokes. I know. I'm sorry. I even know. It's great. No, that was fantastic. Well, yeah, I still do it. I'm very immature. I don't. I. I would never. Jp, how did it feel doing an Asian accent? Do you feel like your ancestors? That gave you away. All right, okay. Where's the music? You already have a joke cookbook. No, you don't. No. You didn't get one last time. I got, like, the. The little one tic tac thing. JP I would love to have you on the secret. Whoa, look at this. What an amazing twist. Here you go, J.P. there's a big one. Congratulations. There he goes. J.P. lambiase. All right, Your final comedian of the night. Out of the bucket goes by the name. She's been on the show numerous times, especially back in the day when we first got to Austin. Since then, she worked her way up as a door person here at the Mothership and gets regularly booked on shows all the time. One of Adam the talent coordinator's favorite top young rising comedians. One of our favorite top young rising comedians makes some noise for this is a brand new minute from Christina Mariani, everybody. I love Asian men. I do. All my ex boyfriends have been Asian, so technically I'm still a virgin. I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me, and instinctively I grab my purse, even though logically I know he's not for sale. He did steal my wallet, though. Thank you, guys. I understand. Exactly a minute. Unbelievable material from Christina Mariani. That is fantastic. That is unbelievably great joke. How you doing? Still as awkward as ever. Still. Just like the day you started over there. Never, never ends. How's it going, Christina? How are you? Good. I'm great, thank you. Fantastic. Remind everybody it's been a while since you've been on the show, right? Yeah. But you used to be on when we were at Vulcan. Yeah, when I was at Vulcan. They got on a few times, huh? Yeah. And things have been going good. How long have you been doing standup overall? Three years. Three years. Okay. So you started back then? Yeah. You still don't know how a mic stand works. I like that. It's fantastic. No, you're doing great. The cord's wrapped around there. You're stuck there. You got it. You got it. I got it. I love it. How do you feel right now? You just perform. You just crushed in front of the great Andrew Dice Clay. Feel great. It really was amazing. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks. Not everybody was like that tonight. Yeah. Thank you. That was great. That was great. Thank you so much. Let the record show tonight's episode. Three out of the top four performers were women. It's unbelievable. Cristina Mariani, Candice August, Whitney Cummings, and Cam Patterson representing the men. No, I'm saying that's the one. Out of the four is. That was. That would be a weird joke for me to make. Cam's a woman, everybody. No, I'm saying out of my. What? I have ranked the top four sets. Three of them were women, which is a mathematical anomaly. It is unbelievable. But you, Whitney, Candace, very, very funny. How's life been going? What's it like, out there for Christina. Mariani, you're in Austin. You've been here for years. You're having great sets. You're on a lot of big shows. Those. You're a shy, nervous. I'm not that nervous. I mean, right now I am, but I feel like I've gotten cooler. Okay. Can you tell us about some of that? What are some of the things that used to do that were uncool and now you have control over them? Well, I don't. I mean, you. You tell me, right? I don't know. I don't know. I mean. Yeah, you seem like you're blending in well. You're not sweating like a Sri Lankan right now, I can tell you that. We had that happen. Yeah. Yeah. But something else. No. I'm starting to headline, so I'm working on my headlining sets. I had a New Year's show. I'm headlining Black Rabbit on the 19th. Nice. So, yeah, and then Vegas on the 21st, so I'm excited. Yeah, I love it. Where can people get tickets for your shows? Just on my Instagram. Can I. Yes. Okay. C R, I I M A, R I, I. Wow. Is that your. Your password or your screen name? That's incredible. It's Creamery, but it sounds weird when I say it. I didn't mean to hurt to sound like that, but. All right, I see you kind of combined your first name in your last name. Yeah. And I didn't realize it sounded so gross. Yeah, it is wild. What else do you do, Christina? What would be. We'd be surprised to know about you, about your life here in this interview portion of Kill Tony. I signed up for the half marathon in January, so I'm gonna. You two cool? Yeah. Wow. You. You signed up for a half marathon as well? Yeah. Wow. Why. Why just a half like her. I understand, but you're a. You're a black man. You should be running the. The double marathon or something like that. You're just gonna go beat everybody's ass in a half marathon real quick. He runs ultra marathons. Wait, he runs ultra marathons? Michael Gonzalez is outing you. Big Mike, as we call him, Fitness junkie. So you run ultra marathon? Sometimes. Sorry, Christina. He's a more interesting interview now. So. Have you ever run a marathon before? No, I. What made you sign up for a half a marathon to start? I've been running for my anxiety, and it's been helping. And so I just, you know, I want to. I want to get to a marathon eventually, but I'm going to start with Half. Okay. How long do you run during the day? Like three to six miles every day. Wow. That's more than Red Band has ever walked in his life. It's grand. Total amazing. What else do you do to help your obvious anxiety? I mean, running helps a lot and doing like stand up helps too, because I'm doing something scary, but, you know, and I'm in therapy too, so. Oh, okay. This is great. Are you the Asian guy's ex girlfriend? This is incredible. Okay. How long have you been in therapy for? Just a few months. How's that going? Did they already get you on a bunch of pills? Pills? No, no, no. Did they try a little bit? No, not a little bit? No, they didn't go. I. You know, I'm not saying that you should, but what I would do if it was somebody that wanted pills. Is this because that's how they make vast sums of money? No, I have a different doctor for that. Oh, okay. You're like a homeopathic type of. No, I. I was kidding. I don't know what. You're just kidding about seeing a therapist. No, no, I am seeing a therapist. Okay. Kidding about getting drugs from a different doctor. Right. Okay. But did your therapist suggest drugs at any point? No. No. Nothing at all? No, it's just talk therapy. Yeah, Therapists don't do that. Oh, the guy that lives with nine women also knows a lot about therapists. Who would have guessed this? Everybody. Well, yeah, but that usually a therapist will see a nervous bundle like this and send them straight to the psychiatrist who writes like this. What do you. What do you normally like? No, I mean, like, it just depends on the situation. When you do something like more nerve wracking. Do you. Are you the same all the time? No. Yeah, yeah. No. What would make you more nervous? I want to make you more nervous. Who wants to hear sing a song? Everybody. I'm kidding. I'm joking. Christina, that was a fun set. You're famously nervous and shy. Redband. I'd love to have you on the Secret show Thursday. All right, I'll see you later. Fantastic. You ever get one of these before? You want one? You don't? There you go. Casina Mariani, everybody. And that was tonight's episode. How loud can this place get for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody. A historical episode for us to have the presence of the Dice Man. The art is in from Ryan Je Belt and it is unbelievable. He drew that during the episode. Our artist that draws every episode of the Dice Man. That is incredible. Very powerful. Ryan je belt.com to check that out. Hold that up. Yeah. I don't know if they can Dice. That's great. Is there anything you want to plug or promote? Is the one of the funniest men on Instagram. I can tell you that. You may have seen his man on the streets. I'm not here to plug. Right. I love it. I love that. I don't need to plug. God, I love you. You are just the coolest. Clay.com Instagram andrew dice clay.com Tik Tock yeah, yeah. Andrew Dice Clay. And maybe they'll get a picture one day. Who knows? Yeah, maybe you could get been an incredible experience for me. Dice is great star stage Tony twice at Mad Incredible for real. Twice at the Heb Center. But to get to have you here at the table, I always knew it would be amazing. And I'm no it was unbelievable. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for Andrew Dice Clay. The best damn man in the land. Thank you. Thank you to our sponsors. Red Band. Check out the movie Ford Fairlane. One of my favorite movies growing up. It used to be on my answering machine. My hair. My hair. I love you guys. Thank you. Thank you. We love you guys. Thank you so much. God bless you. Have a great night, everybody. Sa.