#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS

Summary

Kill Tony #702 - Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis

Date: January 28, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe with Brian Redban

---

Episode Overview

This wild, raucous episode of Kill Tony is a comedy onslaught featuring three of the sharpest, most irreverent voices in stand-up: Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir, and Shane Gillis. With the energy in the room turned to 11, a packed bucket of aspiring comedians—plus drop-ins and surprise guests—deliver one-minute sets, face no-holds-barred interviews, and survive relentless roasting from the panel. The chaos reaches new heights with spontaneous challenges, mock competitions, and the unplanned arrival of the infamous "ShamWow Guy." In between, the panel riffs on everything from Jewish identity to strip clubs, burp fetishes, cults, cult-ure shocks, and the meaning of “black privilege.”

---

Notable Episode Segments & Highlights

The Core Panel's Vibe & Banter

• Opening Energy: Tony Hinchcliffe sets the irreverent mood as he welcomes the “Protect Our Parks” trio “fresh off a five-hour podcast” (05:07). The dynamic between Tony, Mark, Ari, Shane, and Redban is quick, brutal, and always ready to one-up the punchline.
• Recurring Themes: Frequent and fearless riffs on ethnicity, religion, body image, stand-up struggles, with recurring inside jokes about Jews, Mexicans, and "black privilege."
  Memorable Tone-Setting Quote:

“You are here in the vortex of comedy, fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect Our Parks. This is indeed the boys.” (05:04) — Tony Hinchcliffe

---

Comedians’ Sets & Interviews

1. Jack Shaw (08:17)

• Set: Self-deprecating jokes about standing up for himself, being mistaken for a white girl transitioning, and a bizarre road rage encounter.
• Panel Roasting: Jokes about his burning hometown, wardrobe (“You look like the little boy from 'Big'…” 10:31), and Jewish heritage.
• Standout Moment:

  “If you were any Jewier, you would just fucking burn.” (12:50) — Tony Hinchcliffe

---

2. Andrew Tarr (14:27)

• Set: Bit about Oppenheimer, “Jew science,” and how Spongebob made everyone gay.
• Panel Reaction: Jokes about the “roast of Ari,” dating misadventures, and playfully discovering “Retard” in his name (“Juan Retard!” 18:49).
• Quote:

  "Typical Jew joke. You squeezed every penny out of it." (16:28) — Tony Hinchcliffe

---

3. Big Vinnie (21:10)

• Set: Italian dad, Make-A-Wish kids, self-deprecating weight jokes, ends with a dark family reveal.
• Live Weigh-In Segment: Vinnie is cheered into stepping onto a scale; the panel and audience bet “Price Is Right” style. Vinnie weighs in at 365 lbs (25:38).
• Audience Participation: Big Vinnie’s “first Austin kiss” segment (29:15), featuring an onstage kiss setup (and awkward dodge) with audience member Ms. Shelby.
• Memorable Panel Roasting:

  “If you could get winded showing someone to their seat, how can you be a door guy?” (26:20) — Ari Shaffir
  “Is there a guy who will kiss him?” (29:08) — Mark Normand
  “This is worse than when they pick who’s gonna play better.” (30:02) — Mark Normand

---

4. Matt Bellac (34:20)

• Set: Austin house parties, competitive rock-paper-scissors, Diddy’s legal troubles.
• Panel Distracted: Partly missed due to Mark Normand accidentally breaking a glass cigar case and spreading shards in drinks (35:34).
• Roasting Matt: Comments about Matt’s appearance, bad teeth, greasy hair, and possible roots (“You look like you change oil with your hair!” 37:19).
• Quote:

  “For a podcast, this show has really become a lot of TV on the radio.” (44:07) — Ari Shaffir

---

5. Juan Denmark (41:43)

• Set: Blistering racial satire involving “The Trump Fist,” Kamala Harris, alternate slavery history, and ethnic stereotypes.
• Interview: Talks queer vs. gay, watching relatives’ encounters, studying clinical psychology, YouTube obsessions.
• Memorable Exchange:

  “I will fuck a man, but only if he has a vagina. Does that make sense?” (44:50) — Juan Denmark
  “You got the perfect fingertips for cotton picking.” (42:40) — Juan Denmark
  “What’s the gayest thing you’ve ever done?”
  “Come to Kill Tony and see you.” (45:13) — Juan Denmark

---

6. Jake Coulter (51:00)

• Set: Jokes about the horror film 'Teeth', “eating out” as monster-checking, black cats and luck.
• Panel Pounces: Theorizing about Jake’s sexual orientation, awkwardness, and employment status—especially after learning he got fired from Dollar General that day.
• Rapidfire Paneling:

  “You were molested. You got molested face.” (52:44) — Mark Normand
  “Why are we talking about this woman like this? She was nice enough to come up here!” (33:02) — Shane Gillis (referring to Big Vinnie’s kiss)

---

7. Cam Patterson (59:32) — REGULAR

• Set: Observations on the LA fires (“blame the gays”), why houses aren’t built from chimneys, and evacuation.
• Interview: Talks helping with disaster relief, delivering water, and doing standup on the road.
• Quote:

  “Why not make the houses out of that next time? You dumbass.” (59:53) — Cam Patterson

---

8. Joe Bean (& Son Alex) (64:29, 71:16)

• Set: Growing up a skinny guy in a fat Mexican family; family “racism”; jokes about “light-skinned” relatives.
• Interview: Renames himself “Beaner,” family banter about parenting, abandoned by a white mom, being an IT operations manager.
• Father-Son Family Moment:

  “It’s incredible that he had someone to look down to his whole life.” (69:18) — Tony Hinchcliffe
  “All these beans. We need some rice.” (71:52) — Mark Normand

---

9. David Lynam (76:45)

• Set: Florida teachers, predatory headlines, “solving” shootings with sex scandals, Roll Tide.
• Drum Challenge: Invited to face Charles Reed in a live “Mexican drum off”—is soundly defeated (82:38).
• Panel: Roasts about career choices and band name.

---

10. DK 'Drama King' (84:53)

• Set: Hitler birthday trivia, “not counting women” Holocaust punchline.
• Panel Probing: Explains nickname “Drama King,” is roasted for emotional openness, retells a story of fighting the show’s producer (Yoni) over sidewalk etiquette.
• Psychedelic Confession: Claims “over a hundred heroic dose trips” (92:30).

---

Surprise Guest Segment

The ShamWow Guy (Vince Offer) (95:28)

• Appearance: Vince Offer and his “protege” crash the show, sharing the stage for the first time.
• Interview: Discusses infomercial fame, his movie Inappropriate Comedy, being in a cult, and the real revenue of ShamWow (“grossed $100 million... I made about twenty” - 102:06).
• Live Product Pitch: Unveils his new “Black Wow”—a black ShamWow towel with a catchphrase, “If you don’t buy it, you’re fucking racist.” (100:08)
• Other Revelations: Talks candidly about his arrest, cult membership, and inventing the word “thoughtist.”
• Panel Reaction: Can’t believe the surreal turn.

  “He’s gonna blow it, but he’s back.” (105:52) — Shane Gillis

---

Final Comedians, Noteworthy Bits, and Chaos

Bri Colette (the “Burp Queen”) (107:42)

• Set: Burps on command, admits to having an OnlyFans for burps, flustered by panel’s burp-related clowning.
• Panel: Urges her repeatedly to tell jokes, then cuts her short.

  “The burp queen! She’s gonna link up with the drama king.” (112:07) — Shane Gillis

Ari Matti (Estonian Assassin) (115:10)

• Set: Extended riff on “being poor,” the delusion of millionaires, absurdity of financial advice, and being an outsider seeking “the secret.”
• Followup: Banter about not having a visa, visiting strip clubs, and poo jokes about “diarrhea” after returning from Tulum.

---

Notable Quotes and Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Show Tone:

  “You are here in the vortex of comedy…” (05:04) — Tony Hinchcliffe

• Opening Segment:

  “If you were any Jewier, you would just fucking burn.” (12:50) — Tony Hinchcliffe

• On Andrew Tarr’s name:

  “Did you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells Juan Retard?” (18:49) — Ari Shaffir

• Big Vinnie Weigh-In:

  “I’ve never seen an obese guy this excited to step on a scale.” (24:13) — Tony Hinchcliffe

• On racial identity games:

  “Free Palestine. Don’t free Palestine. We don’t know what’s in—.” (13:36) — Jack Shaw

• On being a “drama king”:

  “I like to sit around and talk about God and consciousness…and they’re like, that’s gay.” (87:56) — DK

• Panel on ShamWow Guy:

  “Welcome to an episode where we’ve seen it all. The ShamWow guy’s security guard is not going to—” (96:47) — Tony Hinchcliffe

• Vince Offer on products:

  “It’s called the Black Wow. It’s black. If you don’t buy it, you’re fucking racist.” (100:08) — Vince Offer

• On financial advice:

  “The only people who give you advice are dudes who are into crypto. ... The fact that this information has trickled down to you means we’re already too late.” (117:18) — Ari Matti

• On panel’s chemistry:

  “For a podcast, this show has really become a lot of TV on the radio.” (44:07) — Ari Shaffir

---

Key Timestamps & Segments

• 08:17: Jack Shaw’s hot opening set & panel interview
• 14:27: Andrew Tarr: “Jew science” and juxtapositions
• 21:10–33:41: Big Vinnie debut, live weigh-in, first Austin kiss
• 34:20: Matt Bellac set and panel distracted by broken glasses
• 41:43–49:21: Juan Denmark’s racial/queer satire & wild interview
• 51:00–58:53: Jake Coulter, the “gay/molested” riff, Dollar General firing
• 59:32: Cam Patterson’s “chimney” routine, LA fire stories
• 64:29–76:08: Joe Bean father-son set, height and family jokes
• 76:45–84:43: David Lynam, schoolteacher set, drums solo battle (82:38)
• 84:53–93:40: DK/Drama King emotional honesty, story of fighting Yoni, 100+ heroic doses
• 95:28–107:09: ShamWow Guy (Vince Offer) wild interview, rap, product drop
• 107:42–113:29: Bri Colette (“burp queen”) belch set, panel intervention
• 115:10–123:44: Ari Matti’s closer, “being poor,” trip to Tulum, diarrhea

---

Final Notes

Episode Mood: Wild, unpredictable, and exceptionally roast-heavy—even for Kill Tony. The chemistry between the hosts and their A-list guests is explosive, with constant callbacks, rapid-fire jabs, and earnest encouragement for both the regulars and the randoms. The surprise ShamWow Guy drop-in and the infamous “burp queen” brought new peaks of chaos and absurdity. As always, the interviews are often funnier—and meaner—than the actual sets.

“America’s Sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight!” (125:16) — Tony Hinchcliffe, plugging Ari Shaffir’s Netflix special

---

Tip for Listeners: If you love comedy that deftly (or carelessly) crosses every possible line, this is two hours of nonstop zingers, crowd work, and unforgettable moments. Skip if easily offended—or listen and try to keep up.

---

End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Nashville, Tennessee, one of the finest cities in the beautiful United States of America. We are coming directly to you, the Kill Tony show live from The Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th. Tickets are on sale now. It's one of the largest arenas we've ever done. This is your chance to get tickets. Go to Ticketmaster Ticket, Type in the word Kill Tony and get tickets now. We will see you in April. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitch. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee. Make so much for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

You're here.

[A]

Are you guys excited to be here? That's the best damn band in the land. The Kill Tony band. Make some noise for them. You've been listening to them. That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo and Fernando Orlando Castillo on the horns, Charles Reed joining us on the drums tonight, crushing it, the male model, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys and D Madness on the bass guitar. Tonight, an unbelievable episode for y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

Coming at ya. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing spot sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, well, well, well, well. You know, every single week I am lucky to be able to book some of the funniest people in the world on this show. Sometimes it's a up and cominging talent that you've never heard of before that I like to show off first sometimes. It is an old legend of comedy that's just joining us tonight. It is three of our favorite guests in the history of the fucking show. It doesn't get any better than this as I bring to the stage. Indeed, coming out, debuting with his newest Netflix special tonight at midnight. It's called America's sweetheart. It is Ari Shafir, Shane Gillis and Mark Norman. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The boys are back in town. Shane Gillis, Ari Shabir and Mark Norman. Let's fucking go. We are in Austin, Texas. This episode brought to you by Shopify Prize picks BlueChew and ZipRecruiter. Oh, my God. You are here in the vortex of comedy, fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect our parks. This is indeed the boys. Mark Norman, Shane Gillis.

[C]

Hey, hey.

[A]

And Ari Shaffir. American sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight. Americas or American?

[D]

Americas?

[A]

America's sweetheart belonging to America. Absolutely.

[D]

That's me.

[A]

That is you. The old red, white and Jew Mark Norman here. Sunglasses up. Long day. Protect our parks 5 hour episode. From what I'm understanding, all profits go

[C]

to the Maui fires. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking blacks.

[A]

And brought to you by Bud Light. Shane Gillis is here, ladies and gentlemen, Three veterans of the show. You guys all know how it works.

[D]

Who's on drums?

[A]

That is Charles Reed. Michael Gonzalez is playing with Keith Urban tonight in a football stadium somewhere. This. This band plays a round of applause

[E]

for Keith Urb, who gave tough.

[C]

The band looks more urban. You got some new digs here, Tony. Like nice new equipment. Yeah, Leveling up.

[A]

We're upgrading. Upgrading. We even got.

[C]

Look at that.

[A]

We got it all. We got a little monitors here so that we can hear better for the first time ever.

[C]

Just got to get rid of red band.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

He's hanging on by.

[A]

Oh, my God. That would be the.

[E]

All he does is press bird buttons. Oh, got you.

[A]

He got you back. I pre pulled the first name. We've gone to wrangle them across the bar.

[E]

Dude, it's all over, you little brusi.

[A]

Oh, yeah. One Bud Light down right on the new monitor. That's great.

[E]

The table explodes.

[A]

Oh, yeah, it's on that. That green light means there's power running to it.

[C]

That's my jizz rag.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. This is how the forest fire started. You guys know how it works. I pull a comedian out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them and begins the interview portion of the show where I find out more about them, what they do, who they are and what they could be talking about in this world. They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in a minute. You Guys, ready to start tonight's fucking show? All right, we're going to start it with a golden ticket winner who is from Los Angeles, California, currently escaping the fires. He's here with the new minute. It's been a while. This is your first comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Jack Shaw, everybody. The return of Jack Shaw. Alright, guys.

[F]

Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school. I drive a fucking Fiat and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to. I was driving my Fiat in the fast lane the other day, it was a big fucking day for me, when all of a sudden this guy starts honking behind me, giving me the finger, saying, fuck you. Fuck you. So I decide to pull over in the right lane, let him pass me. He pulls up next to me, rolls down his window and says, roll down your window, you trans bitch. And I said, no. This made this man so mad. I swear to you, this happened. He took out pantomime finger guns and shot me. And I pantomimed. Caught the bullet in my teeth.

[A]

Ah.

[F]

Don't pantomime with me, bitch. I went to performing arts school. Thank you guys so much.

[A]

Exactly one minute from Jack Shaw. Not a second longer, not a second less. A man thrifty with his time. Ari Shafir, what's it like seeing your

[F]

little brother Baruch Hashem, My brother, it's so good to see you.

[D]

Oh, my God, you're gonna have a heart attack here.

[E]

You gotta chill.

[F]

I know, dude. I know. Dude, the blood is rushing to my and my heart at the same time. It's crazy, dude, are you.

[E]

Are you always this shaky or is it just yes? Yeah.

[C]

All right,

[E]

well, then you're calm.

[A]

Yeah. He is a wild boy. Jack Shaw, how's escaping LA right now going for you?

[F]

Oh, my God, dude, I'm so happy to be here. The whole fucking city's burning the ground. I shouldn't have thrown that joint out the window when I left, dude. I feel really bad about that.

[C]

That.

[F]

Dude, that was. That was really embarrassing, dude.

[C]

Probably your fucking menorah. Yeah, a lot of candles.

[F]

Eighth night, Hanukkah special, dude. Burned down the whole fucking city, dude.

[A]

Great, but you're not in the line of fire there, correct?

[F]

No, I'm deep in the concrete, dude. I cannot afford to live in the palace.

[A]

However, you are wearing clothes given to you by the volunteer fire department. Clearly nothing fits you. You look like the little boy from the movie Big when he turns into a kid. And is stuck with his grown up clothes on.

[F]

So I got it free right off a body. Dude, it was awesome.

[A]

Okay, all right. Okay. You're really running with it there.

[C]

If you're here, who's taking care of your shrunken kids?

[E]

Some random black guy. One of the band members is going to knock him out.

[A]

So what's been going on? Tell us about your life, Jack, since we've seen you last. Anything crazy happening?

[F]

Yeah, Aaron Belial's been taking me on the road with him. Dude, he's been awesome to me. He's been really cool.

[A]

All right. So you're opening for Aaron Belial?

[F]

Yeah, opening. Opening for a guy who can't talk. My career starting at the bottom.

[E]

Dude, you should walk in the room first and go, I'm cured. It's me, Aaron. I'm totally fine.

[A]

I love it.

[F]

I love his audiences, man. I did a show with him in Sacramento and this lady came up to me after the show and she said, jack, I love your comedy. You're such an inspiration to my son. He's also retarded.

[G]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Hopefully Aaron's audiences make more noise than. Than he does.

[D]

What's that car ride like between the two of you?

[E]

Oh, they're strapped in the back of a van,

[F]

dude. He was driving, dude. And he's trying to talk to me while he's driving. He's got one hand. He's texting and driving and talking to me at the same time.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Who is this guy?

[D]

Aaron Belial. He's the one that we talking about. He's secretly gay. We weren't supposed to talk about it. He loves cocks. Aaron Belial loves cocks. Loves sucking them. Black, white, brown, whatever. Aaron Belial, the cocksucker.

[C]

Oh, all right. I thought that was airy, Matty. All right.

[A]

It's easy to get them all confused. Jack, what else? How was Hanukkah?

[F]

Hanukkah was great.

[A]

Jesus fucking Christ.

[F]

How was Christmas, Tony?

[A]

God, if you were any Jewier, you would just fucking burn. Hey, hey, hey. Yeah,

[F]

put me on the steak, Tony. I love it, bro.

[D]

Your voice makes me hate Juice.

[C]

Welcome.

[A]

It is. If this was the Holocaust, Ari would be like, he's underneath the floorboards. Please, for the love of God, get him away from me.

[F]

Ari, you look like an anti Semitic drawing of a Jewish person.

[E]

You son of a.

[A]

You son of a. We're supposed to be friends.

[F]

Look at your face, God damn it.

[D]

Palestine.

[A]

Right there.

[E]

Look at the Jews. Look at the Jews turning on each other.

[A]

Free Palestine. Don't free Palestine.

[F]

Free, pal. Don't free. We don't know what's in.

[C]

It's quite an iron dome you got here.

[E]

Free will, though. You guys should free Palestine.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[F]

No, that's definitely true.

[E]

Done.

[H]

Let's do it.

[F]

On the count of three, Ari. One, two, three. Free Palestine.

[C]

More free. It's all about free with you guys.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Jack Shaw, way to get the fucking show started. Congratulations. And we have begun. It has begun. And to our first bucket pool. This is where we meet someone. All together. Even though this name looks familiar, I do believe we've seen this person before. This is a new minute from your first bucket pool tonight. Andrew Tarr. Everybody here is Andrew Tarr.

[C]

All right.

[H]

Saw the movie Oppenheimer. During the movie, they explained why Hitler never pursued nuclear weapons, and it's because he considered quantum physics to be Jew science. And I was just trying to put myself in Hitler's shoes, right? He's just watching a bunch of Jews working on atomic weapons, and he's thinking to himself, man, these people are so cheap. They're trying to split an atom. What the hell is wrong with these people? Smallest particle in the universe. They want to cut it in half. We have to do something about this. Now. I remember growing up in the early 2000s, like when Spongebob came out and everybody's parents were like, ah, it's gonna make the kids gay.

[I]

And now

[H]

everyone's gay. They were right. They knew exactly what they were talking about.

[A]

Okay. Great set.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Best set you've ever had on the show.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Congratulations. Getting better out there.

[H]

Absolutely. Trying.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. Welcome back, Andrew Tar. So thank you, Tony.

[D]

What the you invite me down for here?

[E]

All.

[A]

It's a Jewish heavy episode so far. It's like the roast of Ari. Celebrate.

[E]

Unfortunate timing on that. Anti Semitism. Yeah, yeah. We were just getting after it. It's a great joke. It could have been better, but we were. The whole room was kind of like, all right, might be going a little too far here.

[H]

I've been planning to tell that joke on here for such a long time. And waiting in the back, I heard all of it. I was like, fuck, should I do something else? It's like, screw it, we're doing it.

[A]

Typical Jew joke. You squeezed every penny out of it. So what's been going on, Andrew Tarr? How's comedy? You're better. You look like you have some vitamin D in your system. What's going on?

[H]

Yeah, getting out. Getting out there. Barely getting by doing comedy, but getting by Going on dates and stuff. Actually was supposed to be on a date tonight, but she canceled.

[A]

Whoa. Yeah, look at that.

[H]

Now I get pulled on Kill Tony.

[A]

So amazing.

[H]

Way better than it would have gotten.

[C]

Amazing.

[A]

What would you have done on the date? Who was it with?

[H]

Just some lady on hinge.

[A]

Okay. You've never been with her before?

[I]

No.

[A]

What was your big plan? What were you gonna do with her?

[H]

I just get drinks at Las Perlas, okay. Talking chit chat and stuff.

[A]

And how does that normally go for you? You seem like you'd be an awkward date.

[H]

Yeah. Yeah, that happens. I'm an acquired taste. Typically they have to. If they like me a lot, it's great. If I have to win them over, there's no way in chance. No way in hell I'm doing that.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Let's get back to the Jew hate.

[E]

How old are you?

[H]

30.

[J]

All right.

[C]

Hey, you're cute.

[E]

That hair you got like a threw me off. Yeah, you're a handsome, awesome guy.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Look at that. Looks like you found a date after all. Shane. Shane wants to get some drinks at Pearl is after that

[C]

to keep the juice it alive. We'll run a train on you.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. I'm not gonna say who, but two of the panelists have gas tonight.

[H]

Going from a cancer date to being gang banned by Protect our Parks. It's not how I thought tonight was gonna go.

[C]

Hey, that's how we met Rogan.

[A]

How else has comedy been going in tar. What else is happening out there?

[H]

Just opening up for couple of local people. Opening up for a couple of.

[A]

Going on the road.

[I]

Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Ben, what do you like? What do you hate?

[H]

Oklahoma City? Tulsa? I mean, I like anywhere that'll have me. I can't exactly be picky, right?

[A]

So just one state up, just a few hours away.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

Then like San Diego where I'm from. So I'll do spots between there and there.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Do you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells Juan Retard.

[A]

That is incredible. He is correct. I can confirm that. I'm looking at the name. Retard is in there. Juan Retard. W, A, N. Retard.

[D]

Juan Retard.

[A]

That is incredible. How did you know that?

[E]

I don't know.

[A]

It's like insult Rain man over here. Did you know that according to your zip code, if you translate it to Morris code, it spells out. Wow.

[E]

Anyone call you Tord?

[H]

Oh, all the time. But I've never heard the one retard. I don't know How? I'm just now hearing that after 30 years.

[D]

It'll happen from now on. This is a pretty popular

[E]

Juan Retard.

[K]

Oh, cool.

[H]

I got a new credit. You might know this guy as the

[E]

one retard from Gil.

[H]

Tony.

[A]

Yep. Well, from Juan Retard to another. You did. You did very good tonight. You have a big joke book.

[J]

No, I don't.

[A]

You've only gotten small joke books before.

[H]

No, the last time I was on the show, you didn't have the joke books yet.

[A]

Oh, really?

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, who's the Jew now, Tony?

[A]

I am, because I don't even pay for these. These are. These are made by the Great Bonsai. They're [e-mail]. here's a big joke book, and I would love to have you on the Secret show, man. Whoa. Booked on the road. Juan Retard, AKA Andrew Tar. Whoa. There she is, the lovely Heidi, adding a little mustard to this sausage fest.

[C]

Can I get a cigar? Do you guys have cigars back there?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Thanks. All right.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

What do you got for a cigar?

[A]

Yeah. What are you gonna pull a Bill Clinton over there? What's going on?

[C]

It's a good idea. I'll jizz on the dress.

[A]

Yeah, he's gonna get one, too. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. And it looks like the type of name that I like out of a bucket bowl. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Big Vinny. Big Vinnie. Let's see what happens here. Oh, yeah. Big Vinny.

[L]

Hello, great people of Austin, Texas and Mexicans. Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are Make a Wish kids? Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody. Like making Suicide Hotline. Go straight to Mr. Beast. Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish. Imagine you're the Make a wish kid's dad. $50,000 in debt, swimming, and medical bills, and your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time. You're in the room crying. That's so cute. Close the door, walk out.

[A]

That sick sack of shit could have cleared my fucking debt. I would have brought him to the fucking theater.

[E]

One more time.

[L]

I'm very Italian. There's more to that joke. Do you want me to finish it? So, yes, my father did beat my mother within an inch of her life.

[A]

All right, all right. So you went over the time there, Big Vinnie?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

You're really Italian?

[L]

Yup. And I love you guys all of you. He's the man, okay? You're the goat.

[A]

Okay, Relax. And you're a pig. All right, welcome, welcome.

[C]

Big Vinnie, he's a guinea.

[A]

He is. Mark Norman. I love it. What the fuck are you wearing? What is that?

[L]

It's a, you know, a parachute. You know, so I could save myself if I fall from a high building if I want to kill myself after this, you know. Okay, we'll see how it goes. It's been going well. I love you guys.

[A]

I don't think you need to jump off that high of a building to kill yourself, by the way. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. I think you could jump off the trunk of a car and fucking explode like a blueberry. You are a big boy. How much do you weigh, Big Benny?

[L]

I haven't been weighed in a while. I'm excited.

[A]

Well, we got a scale for that. Everybody, we got a scale for that. Let's get.

[E]

Let me do it.

[A]

Take this. All right, let's guess.

[C]

Don't say it.

[A]

All right, don't. Don't say it. Okay, let's start with Mark Norman. Guess first.

[C]

I'm gonna go with the 418.

[A]

418, that's a good guess. Ari Shafir.

[D]

I'm going to say 375. Same with red band.

[A]

375. I love the music coming from the horn players. Wait a second, Big Benny.

[E]

Three, 325.

[A]

325. What are you talking.

[E]

How tall are you?

[D]

60.

[E]

3:35.

[A]

3:35. A berry's going Price is Right style over here.

[E]

One, one. He weighs one.

[A]

Wait, Big Benny, don't stand on it yet. I've never seen an obese guy this excited to step on a scale.

[D]

When he stood on it for a

[A]

second, the scale said, help me, red band. I'm guessing 420. Ooh, 420 is a good guess. Okay, I'm gonna.

[M]

I'm gonna.

[A]

I'm gonna take the over in this. I'm gonna go 421, fuck up red bands back. 340.

[E]

No, 340.

[A]

Yeah, I think I. You have a good chance.

[E]

342.

[A]

342. You're at 3:35.

[E]

I'm done.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is that moment. Big Vinnie steps on the scale. Let's see what happens here. Mark, what do we got over there?

[C]

No, you got. Wait a minute.

[D]

Try again.

[C]

It's malfunctioning. Hold on. Says the time,

[D]

it's on, Central.

[C]

I think that's when you Die.

[A]

Hold on. Where's the producers?

[C]

Here.

[A]

What is it? Hold on. Here's Heidi. Oh, wait, we gotta put it on. Pounds, Kg? It was on kilograms. Somehow they knew. All right, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most morbidly obese people we've ever had on this show. Stepping on a scale.

[C]

Oh, we're way off.

[D]

365.

[N]

Whoa.

[A]

365? That would mean that technically Shane Gillis wins with a 335. Ari over bid. Ari's closest, but this is the Price is Right rules. And the weight is great. One could say you're incredibly not as fat as you look.

[M]

Maybe.

[A]

Maybe you should stop wearing family tents.

[C]

Yeah, you look like you're fumigating yourself.

[A]

What do you do for a living, Big Vinnie?

[L]

Nothing right now. I need a job. I could be a door guy anywhere. I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs.

[A]

Like what? What do you mean? What are you really?

[D]

How could you be a door guy if you could get winded showing someone to their seat?

[L]

I'm very athletic. I'll beat you in a race, Ari.

[A]

Wait a second. Wait.

[L]

Guaranteed.

[A]

I see second.

[L]

Karen T. What? I'll dust you.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Let's do it.

[A]

Oh, bro, be careful.

[C]

Ari, this guy clearly stormed the Capitol. So he can. He can get those stairs in.

[L]

Someone I went to school with did, but not me.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

Capital Grill.

[A]

Did you play football somewhere?

[L]

Yes.

[A]

Where?

[L]

Brockport High School.

[A]

Okay. Rockport High School. And how do you stay in shape? How could you beat Ari in a race?

[L]

I always choose the highest apartments. Like, so I have to walk up the stairs. A forced workout almost every day. And, like. And I go to the gym every once in a while. And I run with my husky and I think I can catch him.

[D]

You run?

[L]

Yeah, at the park with my dog.

[A]

Wow, you have.

[L]

That's the only thing that forces me to run.

[A]

You have a husky?

[L]

Yep.

[A]

So does he.

[L]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Incredible. Incredible. So you don't have a job? Did you live in Austin?

[L]

Yes, I've been living here the past two and a half months.

[A]

So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job?

[L]

So I worked at an auction house before I moved here.

[A]

Eating.

[E]

Homeless people come here.

[L]

Yeah, you step into their bedrooms really easily. When you're walking down the street, it's like another bedroom. Jesus.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. So what did you do at the auction house? Were you an auctioneer?

[L]

So at first I started in the shipping department, but I had experience. But Those bastards put me at the lowest rung, but. And then I became a lister. And you list all the, like, the sports cards and autographed items. Takashi 69, baseball.

[O]

Like that.

[A]

Okay. All right. What's your love life like? Are you out there crushing mattresses?

[L]

I can work. A bitch's really good. Like a smudge on a window.

[A]

Like, really?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

You really are Italian.

[L]

I have not gotten anything out here yet, though. I've been talking to ladies. I could have secured some, but nothing yet.

[A]

Have you kissed a girl in Austin?

[P]

No.

[A]

Really?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Two and a half months. No kiss?

[L]

Nope.

[D]

What are you trying. What are you doing?

[L]

I was close with a black chick, but.

[A]

Whoa. And then what? You called her the N word and ran away? Is there a girl out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss? You know, we have some of the best fans out there. It has to be a volunteer. It's a segment on this show we've been doing for years. Is there a woman out there that wants to give this big. She's literally saying, no, lady, we got fucking Jelaine Maxwell over here throwing her girlfriend under the bus. She'll do it. She doesn't even want to kiss this fucking.

[C]

Is there a guy who will kiss him?

[A]

This will be a first. If there's not a woman with the courage to kiss this man. Is there really not a female that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss tonight?

[L]

I'm only £365.

[A]

Come on, really? Is there the spider from Charlotte's Web in the audience?

[L]

White girls don't like me, Tony. It's mostly black chicks, I'm telling you. And there's like, no, there's no sisters in here. Is there any sisters? Is there any single sisters in here?

[E]

Come on, don't talk. We're close.

[A]

All right, one.

[E]

One of them's going to break.

[A]

This is typical kiss, typical auctioneer problems going.

[E]

Once I've made eyes with a couple girls that are clearly considering it, you've got a chance now. You just got to wait them out.

[C]

I got.

[D]

There's a bunch of girls looking down like they want to be called on in high school.

[E]

They're just like, all right, never mind. I was wrong,

[C]

man. This is worse than when they pick who's going to play better.

[E]

All right, never mind.

[A]

Oh, my God. Wait, there's the woman that's going to do it. Oh, my God. Finally.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Shy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is incredible. While we wait for her to come around. She's a sprinter, too. Oh, yeah. Look at this. Oh, yeah.

[D]

Let's see some tongue.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. It's worth the wait. And by the weight, I mean she's the same weight as he is. It's time to get another one on the scale. Everybody here for his first Austin kiss. Everyone, this is Big Benny. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What a hero. What's your name, lady?

[B]

My name is Ms. Shelby.

[A]

Ms. Shelby. Shelby. Hell yeah. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Ms. Shelby, how did that kiss feel?

[B]

You didn't really kiss me.

[P]

That's what sucks.

[A]

Yeah, Big Vinnie says in there.

[E]

Vinnie.

[A]

Big Vinnie says he. Vinnie, what's wrong with you?

[F]

She keeps going to my side cheek.

[E]

Vinnie, kiss her. What are you doing? Why are you being a coward?

[A]

Big Vinnie, you said you could find the clip. Good luck with this. Yeah, yeah. I'm not Miss. She. Get over here.

[C]

Can we.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

Can we get you guys both on the scale?

[A]

The scales of justice?

[L]

Did I kiss a teacher? Are you a teacher?

[A]

What the. I'm a violinist. A violinist? Oh, my goodness. Say, Chlo.

[E]

What happened? There was no kiss.

[L]

I. I did it for the show.

[A]

I did it. Yeah.

[L]

I'm not into you.

[A]

Oh, Big Vinny.

[E]

Oh, come on, Vinnie, you nasty dude. You think one of these girls was gonna be into you? They're gonna do it for fun.

[L]

She's beautiful, too.

[A]

Come on.

[L]

Cause you're asking why I didn't stick my tongue down your throat.

[A]

What the. I'm not gonna. Come on, give him a hand job real quick. Let's make him come. Let's make this come. All right, I have stand. How about a hand for Ms. Shelby, everybody? Ms. Shelby, you're a superhero. Thank you. Hell yeah.

[L]

You wanted me to be mean, Big.

[E]

I wanted you to be mean.

[A]

Dude, how dare you?

[L]

I kissed her. And then you're asking why I didn't go harder.

[A]

Oh, God. I can get laid, bro.

[L]

I've been laid. Don't need that.

[E]

Vinnie, it's been months.

[L]

Yeah, I turn it down like I'm not even around.

[E]

Oh, Vincer Venter. Don't lie to me, Vincer.

[L]

I'm not gonna take the lowest rung of. Don't.

[E]

Why are we talking about this? Woman like this? Yeah, she was nice enough to come up here.

[L]

She was not.

[E]

She saved you from everyone. Was. It was sad when no one would kiss you.

[A]

Literally nobody wanted to kiss.

[E]

This woman came out of nowhere to save you.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. God damn, man.

[C]

You gotta go her.

[A]

Where'd she go? Get.

[E]

Give.

[A]

Give Ms. Shelby one of these. She gets a big joke.

[L]

Book.

[A]

You get a little joke book. How about that? Oh, and he didn't catch it. There he goes. Big Vinnie. Everybody beat it.

[E]

Vinnie, get the out of here.

[A]

Nasty. Get him out of here. Get him out of here.

[C]

Shelby. Shelby. Shelby.

[A]

Shelby. Shelby.

[C]

Oh, thank you, Shelby.

[A]

All right, we're having fun in here tonight. Your next bucket pull. Straight out of obscurity. Goes by the name of Matt Bellic. Everybody make some noise for Matt Belloc. All right, love.

[H]

I live in Austin now. Kind of newer here. Austin's a wild city. It is very weird. I went to a house party a couple weeks ago here. Saw something I've never seen in my life. I walk in there, back of the house. I saw two guys in the back doing competitive rock paper, scissors. Just throwing down. I thought it was a Texas thing. I thought they were playing for money. I went to check it out. Turns out, just two deaf guys on cocaine talking to each other really fast. They're just like. We partied all night. We had a. They called it a silent disco. That's what we did. We fucking got down. I got fat. Diddy's in trouble. You seen this? You heard about this Diddy?

[F]

This guy's.

[H]

No, but one of the things he did, I didn't think was a big deal. He would hire these escorts to come to the house, and their job was to entice his guests to have sex with them, and then he would film them having sex without their knowledge. And apparently, you can't do that, so. But when I read that, I was like, who is like?

[N]

He goes.

[H]

He would try to, like, use that as blackmail on people. And I read.

[A]

I was like, who's.

[H]

Who's that blackmail for? You know? Like, if I get a phone call one day and someone's like, we have a video of you and Dr. Dre double taming a hooker at Diddy's house. I'd be like, can you tag me in that?

[A]

Like, I.

[H]

You have the video.

[A]

None of my friends believe me.

[C]

Like, all right,

[A]

Matt Bellack, I'm gonna be honest with you. I didn't hear a word of your sad. Mark Norman broke a glass cigar case, and a lot of it. The shrapnel went into people's drinks, and I'm making sure that the drinks didn't get drunk.

[H]

It's on.

[D]

It's literally on the can.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Drink it soon.

[D]

Drink it.

[E]

Drink it. Eat the glass.

[C]

I'll buy you one. I'll buy you another drink. Whatever that was.

[A]

No, I got it. Yeah. I'm protecting us. Is On a very Jew heavy episode. I'm protecting us from losing it all here. I'm literally.

[E]

Eat the glass.

[A]

I have to tell our fan base, don't drink the glass.

[E]

I'll represent you.

[A]

I'll buy you another round. Don't you know we're.

[E]

Take this thing for all it's worth. Eat the glass.

[C]

How much of that holocaust.

[A]

Just stop, please. Stop picking it up. Don't even touch the glass anymore. Oh, I'm also cut. Oh. Oh, no, wait. Unbelievable. So, Matt, how's it going, buddy?

[H]

Going good?

[A]

Yeah, Going good. I love it. How long you been doing stand up?

[H]

11 years.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, big thing.

[E]

Not a good reaction. Thank you.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[H]

I side gig. I sell T shirts at concerts.

[A]

Okay. You sell T shirts at concerts?

[H]

Merch. Yes. This guy knows the technical terms?

[I]

Absolutely.

[A]

How's that been going for you? How old are you, Matt?

[H]

35.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[J]

You look horrible.

[M]

Thank you.

[C]

All right. Yeah.

[E]

It's just your teeth.

[H]

It's the teeth.

[A]

I got bad teeth.

[D]

And the wrinkles.

[E]

The wrinkles.

[A]

And it looks like you change oil with your hair.

[C]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Incredible. You have pro wrestling. Like, wet, greasy hair.

[E]

Where are you from?

[H]

Chicago. Originally. Lived here for a couple years, yeah. Shy town.

[E]

The house. Thought it was gonna be somewhere greasy.

[H]

Chicago's pretty greasy, dude. It's not Philadelphia or anything, but.

[E]

It's fine. I was being nice to you. Yeah. You say something nasty like that, I like.

[H]

I. I. Big Bears fan.

[A]

Hate the Packers.

[H]

Very happy your Eagles took care of that last.

[A]

Okay, we're not talking about this thing.

[E]

Let's talk about Tony.

[A]

Shut the up, Barstool. Welcome to Barstools. Kill Tony.

[E]

Pretty good, yeah. Hell, yeah, bro. Actually, when's this come out? Monday.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

So this will come out when Notre Dame's playing. Damn. Think about it. Right now, Notre Dame's lifting a national title.

[A]

Zero percent chance of that.

[E]

So sick, dude. I can't believe we did it.

[C]

Dude, he's back.

[A]

There he is. There's the new Notre Dame mascot after Monday's game. It's D Madness, everybody.

[C]

Holy. Is he all right?

[A]

He takes. Okay, he puts the two eyes.

[E]

Dude, you gotta talk to whoever's dressing. You gotta have a chat because they're not telling you what that looks like. Nuts.

[C]

That's crazy.

[E]

You. Who's dressing him up like this?

[D]

He's dressed like in living color.

[C]

He is. He is.

[D]

You look like Kamala Harris trying to prove she's not Indian.

[C]

I thought you were Nancy Pelosi Kneeling.

[H]

Oh, my God, this guy looks like for 35, right?

[A]

This guy's.

[E]

Hey, come on, man. All right.

[A]

Yeah, Matt, take it easy, dude.

[E]

Come on, dude.

[A]

Take it easy.

[E]

Up.

[A]

Yeah. That is. That's just bullying.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Matt, what's something crazy about your life? We'd be surprised to know about you

[H]

getting married in March.

[E]

Hey, what's his name? That's all right, man. That's. Come on, man. That's what I do.

[A]

One of the best comedians on the biz.

[E]

Got your ass, dude. There's nothing you can do about it.

[A]

Getting married in March, huh? Yeah. What does she do for work where she bartends? Here?

[H]

Elena.

[A]

Yeah, down here.

[H]

She gets all you guys drunk.

[A]

That's right. Okay. And so, all right, what are your goals, Matt?

[H]

Get married in March.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Okay. Just trying to try to lock that

[H]

down and then, you know, try to get less greasy, I guess.

[A]

Dude, what are you afraid of? Before I let you go, what scares you? Honest fear doesn't. You don't have to make something up.

[H]

Yeah, no, Honest fear. I mean, it's a cliche. I. I hate spiders.

[E]

I know.

[H]

That's gay. I don't like them.

[E]

Yeah, it's not good.

[A]

Big spider guy.

[C]

I like a spider.

[A]

You like a spider?

[E]

Sure. Spiders are scary, bro.

[H]

They are freak. See? Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.

[H]

Greece, spiders, Puerto Rico. Don't like Puerto Rico.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

There he goes. You have a little joke book yet?

[E]

Oh, no, no, I do not.

[A]

You don't?

[H]

I'll take one.

[A]

There he goes. Matt Bellic, everybody.

[C]

There we go. Cheers, guys.

[H]

Thank you.

[E]

If they. If they would have heard your set, they would have liked. Was funny.

[A]

It was. Was it really? Matt.

[C]

Matt.

[A]

Here you go. You have a big joke book yet?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, it was good.

[A]

You already have one from another appearance. There he goes. All right. Is Juan ready? It's Juan back there. All right. Yo, we have it. We have a wand. Hey, this guy was on an episode a couple weeks ago. I said that I wanted to see him again. A very funny first appearance. This is his second time on this show, so good. Last time. Time that I gave him this appearance. Let's see what happens in the second ever minute from Juan Denmark, everybody. The return of Juan Denmark.

[C]

Yeah.

[K]

Yeah.

[C]

Holy shit.

[K]

You know how to get black people and Nazis together? The Trump fist.

[A]

All right.

[K]

I love that fucking fist. He appropriated the Nazi salute and the black power fist all in one arm motion. It was crazy, y'.

[E]

All.

[K]

The only thing blacker than Donald Trump's fist are the list of all the people Kamala Harris locked up. I'm gonna be honest, y'.

[A]

All.

[K]

I think Kamala Harris is just Hillary Clinton and blackface. I also think that Mexicans should have been the first slaves, you know what I mean? Like, if it wasn't for sports, music in the prison system, slavery would have been a terrible business decision. If Mexicans were the first slaves, there'd be skyscrapers in Nebraska, y'.

[I]

All.

[K]

There'd be taco trucks on every fucking corner in America. And what if Asians were the first slaves? Right? You'd be able to fit like five times as many motherfuckers under that boat. They got the perfect fingertips for cotton picking. And what's better, after a long day of your Asian slave picking cotton, a nice rub and tug. My name's Juan Denmark.

[A]

The return of Juan Denmark. You know what I love about you is you can be as racist as you want to be.

[K]

I know. I love it, Tony. I fucking love it.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[K]

I fucking love it. This is black power privilege.

[A]

It really is. It's black privilege.

[K]

Black power privilege.

[A]

Okay. I don't really acknowledge the power. Yeah, it's limited power. It's like a solar energy, if you will.

[K]

That's true. We are powered by the sun, Tony. That's why I'm in Texas right now.

[A]

Absolutely. Shane asked me a great question while you were on stage. If you want to turn sideways so that the. No, put the jacket back out.

[E]

I swear to God.

[A]

Yeah, it looked like you weren't wearing pants, dude.

[K]

Next time, if I ever get it, next time I'll come here naked. Guys.

[A]

Don't do that.

[E]

Do it.

[A]

I give you permission.

[D]

You have to carry on the banner.

[C]

Dude, are you from the future? You look like Book of Eli. Slippers on, big jacket. You're like the Matrix. James.

[K]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[D]

For a podcast. This show has really become a lot of TV on the radio.

[F]

What.

[A]

What is. What does that mean?

[D]

That's a bad singer. TV on the radio, right?

[K]

What's up, Tony?

[A]

So you're wearing like Daisy Dukes and a full on jacket. Giant jacket with a big hood.

[K]

I like to keep people confused at all times, Tony.

[A]

Absolutely.

[K]

You don't know what you're gonna get. You're gonna get a school shooter. You're gonna get a homosexual. What do you. Yeah, what are you gonna get, Tony? You gotta shoot up a gay club.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Too soon.

[A]

Got a little bit of everything.

[E]

He just seemed like a cold gay guy, honestly.

[K]

Hey, listen, I'm not gay. I'm queer.

[A]

All right?

[K]

There's a difference.

[C]

What is that?

[K]

Okay, I'll explain it to you.

[C]

Mr. Mark, please.

[K]

Okay, listen. I will fuck a man, but only if he has a vagina. Does that make sense?

[A]

Now explain it like, you can have

[K]

a face full of beard, but you better have a torso full of vagina. God damn it,

[C]

Ari. Fuck him.

[A]

It is incredible. What's the gayest thing you've ever done?

[K]

Come to kill Tony and see you.

[A]

Okay, what's the second gayest thing you've ever done?

[D]

Is that fair?

[C]

What's with the oh.

[K]

I've watched two men have sex.

[A]

Oh, okay, explain.

[K]

In real life.

[A]

In real life, tell us how that happened.

[K]

Yeah, I was 15 years old.

[A]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. This is a key way. Let's get you going. All right, P. Diddy party. Whoa.

[K]

Close. I was walking down downstairs to my basement and I looked through the window of my basement and my uncle was having sex with his partner.

[A]

Dude, you have a window in your basement?

[K]

Back in the day, yeah. When I lived in Virginia, we had a house with a basement and my uncle lived there with his boyfriend named Juan. Yeah, he had a boyfriend with my fucking name, dude.

[A]

Wow. Yeah, dude.

[K]

And now I'm wearing these fucking shorts on kill Tony.

[C]

Fuck.

[A]

Dana.

[C]

Yeah. Fuck.

[A]

You found those on the floor at your uncle?

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

Word.

[K]

He couldn't put them back on after all that butt sex.

[A]

I've never met many black wands before.

[K]

I'm Cuban. I'm Afro Cuban.

[A]

Afro Cuban?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. What is the most Cuban thing about you? If you had to guess?

[K]

I move my hips when I fuck.

[A]

Whoa. Really? I do.

[K]

It's crazy.

[C]

Can we see that?

[K]

You got to pay for that Mark, he's doing.

[A]

We got some Cuban music for you here. Well, we really can't see the hip movement with that giant jacket on.

[K]

You guys are awesome. I love these matter.

[A]

Juan, remind us, what do you do for work?

[K]

I go to school full time to be a clinical psychologist.

[A]

That's right. Absolutely.

[N]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Did you get us?

[D]

What are you guys clapping for?

[K]

Mental health.

[E]

Yeah, what are you clapping for? It's a landmine. Somebody's gonna be like, oh, I have a nice black. My doctor's black. Yeah, I think it again. This guy. It's gonna be crazy. Don't do that.

[C]

How old are you there? Obi Wan?

[K]

You said what?

[C]

I'm sorry, how old are you?

[K]

31. 31.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah yeah.

[K]

I go to the face of a

[C]

black guy from the 70s, somehow it is true.

[A]

Shut your mouth. She jive.

[K]

Turkey jive, man.

[E]

You look like a Tuskegee airman.

[K]

Oh, minus the syphilis, guys. Minus the syphilis.

[E]

That's one of my jokes.

[A]

You do have an old soul. You have an old soul is what you say. Indeed. Juan, what are some hobbies of yours?

[K]

I love to ride my bike.

[C]

I love.

[K]

Medic. My bike. It is my.

[A]

Well, I think. I think it was my bike.

[K]

Hey, you snooze, you lose, dog. Yeah, I love the meditate. I love to meditate. I love to watch YouTube. I'm just a boring person, honestly. I just keep it cool, man.

[A]

What do you watch on YouTube?

[K]

Podcast.

[N]

Yeah.

[K]

Mind fucking Jordan Peterson type shit. I just like smart, man.

[A]

I love it. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Wow. You are like a white guy trapped in the blackest body.

[K]

This is my TV on the radio.

[A]

I love it. So what do you. Are you most looking forward to helping people with psychology? Like, what's.

[K]

I mean, I'm doing this for free now. I didn't really pick this profession. This kind of picked me. So I was like, all right, let's get paid for it now.

[N]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

So we never picked you. No, I'm just best. You look cool. You look like a leader of a cult. 45.

[K]

I'm trying. I'm trying. This is the start. This is the start right here. This is where I gain my following and then we go on off into the woods in Utah somewhere.

[C]

Yeah, absolutely. I'm with you.

[A]

Well, this guy is cool.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. What's that button on your dick?

[K]

That's.

[A]

That's a great question.

[K]

It says real friend. This is my friend's merch. He told me to wear it, so I was like, I'll put it on my dick. You know what I mean? That's the best way of supporting your homies.

[D]

I know what you mean.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

You all know what you meant.

[K]

If you really love them, put them on your dick.

[A]

Okay. All right, Juan. Denmark. Interesting. Your first name is Juan and your last name is Denmark.

[K]

Yeah. Oh, Denmark is from Denmark. Vesses. He's a slave revolter. Right before he executed.

[A]

What does that mean exactly?

[K]

He was trying to.

[A]

It means you worry.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Red band. Give me the.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Red band with a home run sound effect. Yeah, yeah. Here it is. Ready for it. Red band. Red band with a big funny. Big funny for red.

[E]

You just bought yourself another month. Red band. Staying alive, dog.

[A]

What's up?

[C]

All right.

[A]

You okay? There's two weeks. Two weeks off.

[E]

Couldn't handle the success of one good joke.

[L]

What?

[A]

Yeah. Unbelievable reference. What do you got another Charlotte's Web joke up your sleeve for us. That was funny. I cannot wait to Hennessy, what happens next with you, Juan Denmark, Congratulations. You already have a big joke book. We'll see you again soon on the show. There he goes. Juan Denmark, everybody. All right, back to the bucket we go. And your next comedian goes by the name of. It will be the comedy stylings of Jake Coulter, everybody. Jake Coulter is next. Here comes Jake Coulter.

[I]

So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth about the girl with teeth in her coochie? Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with the girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of, like, checking for monsters under the bed. But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up. And my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole. Yeah. So now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first. So that way I can see what color her butthole is and know if looking at her black cat, it's gonna give me bad luck.

[A]

All right, Jake Coulter out there eating pussy, checking out buttholes.

[D]

Who did you talk to for research about those jokes about eating pussy?

[E]

My dad.

[A]

Okay, Jake, you've been on this show before. Remind us how long you've been doing stand up.

[I]

I just reached a year in September.

[A]

You reached a year in September and you have a little bit of. What is it? What is your impediment? Exactly. Remind us you have somewhat of a.

[E]

I think I was on this episode and he said nothing.

[D]

Nothing.

[A]

Right.

[N]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

There's nothing wrong with you.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Come on. You were molested.

[I]

Probably.

[C]

You're right. You got molested face.

[A]

Yeah. You stayed young looking.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're trapped. Forever young. Forever young. Forever young. Tell us about the molestation.

[I]

Well, it all started when I was seven.

[A]

Did something really happen to you?

[I]

No.

[A]

Did something traumatizing happen to you when you were younger, though?

[I]

I mean, I dropped a bowling ball on my head.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Go.

[E]

You dropped it on your own head?

[A]

Well, okay, see? What?

[E]

Trying to hold it above your head.

[I]

Well, no, see, what happened was me and my friends were, like, doing stupid at the bowling alley, being the annoying kids. Throwing it halfway down the.

[D]

You're so gay. You're clearly gay.

[E]

I love that you think he's not gay. He's not. No, he's something else. He's nothing.

[A]

Dude, he would Never. There might be.

[E]

God, he's nothing.

[A]

There might be a dude's ass out there with teeth in it. So.

[E]

You and your uncle were bowling. What happened?

[A]

Oh, how old were you when you were bowling this time?

[I]

Probably about 13.

[A]

Okay, so you're 13. You're out there being a bowler. Yeah.

[I]

And so I decided I was going to throw it over my head and I talk with my hand. Yes.

[A]

You don't just talk with your hands. You talk with an upside down. Like John Dees has pointed out that your neck is also gay. You do gay things with your neck. There is a little bobblehead and I just was a bowling ball. And there's teeth in a pussy.

[E]

Just claim autism.

[I]

You think that's crazy?

[E]

Claim autism. Avoid all this gay.

[I]

Yeah, okay, let's go.

[E]

Yeah, I'm not gay. You have to be one.

[C]

You gotta have something, man. Come on.

[A]

Yeah, you're totally not gay. Now tell us more about dropping balls on your head

[C]

when your uncle used. Used you as the bowling ball.

[A]

Yeah, the old three finger special.

[I]

Oh, no, I just. I tried to throw it over my head and went too far up and not enough back and went boom.

[A]

Okay. Did you immediately get knocked out?

[I]

No, it didn't hurt at all.

[A]

Did you start talking like that immediately?

[E]

Probably, yeah. How were you talking before this incident?

[I]

I don't remember.

[A]

That's right. That's right.

[C]

Yeah. He got knocked in the gay.

[I]

Y' all keep saying I'm gay.

[G]

I mean.

[A]

Oh, wonder what. Wonder what's about to happen now. Y' all keep saying I'm gay, but

[E]

Tony, already these two divas going back and forth. Yeah, you two queens.

[A]

He's gonna scratch you.

[E]

Don't say. I. I'm gay.

[C]

Right. Attack me at your own wrist.

[I]

Yes.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[I]

I'm unemployed now.

[A]

What? Well, how did you lose your job?

[I]

They didn't tell me. They just told me that Texas is an at will state. It's an at will state and they didn't need my services no more.

[A]

What was the job before?

[I]

Dom or Dominoes? Dollar General.

[A]

What?

[I]

Dollar General.

[A]

Dollar General.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[E]

Yeah, you right.

[A]

You got fired from Dollar General.

[E]

Yes.

[D]

What's this? What's the state have to do with what's an at will state?

[I]

At Will state means they don't have to give a reason for firing you.

[E]

See, now you could tell them. You could say I'm a gay retardant.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you should.

[I]

Oh, yes.

[E]

Good luck firing me now.

[A]

Yeah, that's it.

[E]

You let your pride get in the way of a juicy lawsuit. Yep, you're right.

[I]

You're right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I might be gay.

[I]

If I can sue him, I'll say I'm gay.

[C]

Hell, they'll believe it.

[E]

I bet.

[C]

I bet gays of the military.

[E]

Your lawyer is going to go. Your Honor.

[C]

You're right.

[E]

Come on.

[D]

You're like, don't ask, no need to tell.

[C]

Sorry.

[E]

Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[I]

I mean, I've been called gay my whole life. That ain't nothing new.

[C]

Okay, great.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

No, I just think it's crazy how his name's Tony and his favorite place to be is on his toe knees.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[E]

Wow. Got his ass.

[A]

Wow. I felt pretty good. I don't think I'll ever survive.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

How do you. How do you live without having a job? How long ago were you fired from Dollar General? You were fired today. Today?

[I]

Today.

[A]

You went to work today and they told you your services are no longer needed?

[N]

No.

[I]

Corporate called me and told me my services were no longer needed.

[A]

How long have you been working at Dollar General?

[I]

Since June.

[A]

Okay, that's pretty long. Today. Hey.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

My goodness. Was that a 10, Ari, was that a $10 bill?

[D]

It was a 20. I thought it was a one until it was in his hands and like. But I felt wrong about moving it away.

[C]

Now you've donated to a gay charity.

[A]

That's right.

[I]

Yeah. I just found out I'm gay, so if there's more money, I'll be gay.

[C]

That's how it starts.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. Wow. Jake, what size joke book did you get last time you were on?

[I]

I got a big one.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I bet you got a big one.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There he goes.

[E]

Jake's cold. Your jokes were really good, though. You did good. That was funny.

[J]

No, you did good.

[D]

We're just.

[E]

Good job. The sad, sweet kid.

[C]

Sweet kid.

[E]

It's kind of a sad turn.

[A]

All right, let's do another special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most prolific regulars in the show's history, I present to you a brand new minute from one of the hardest working men in all of the Austin, Texas comedy scene. This is the return of Cam Patterson, everybody.

[M]

I ain't even know. Daughter Jenner had, like, corporate nigga. I just imagine a guy like me, like, fuck, nigga. You're fired. It's over, boss. Get the fuck outta here, dawg. It's over.

[H]

Damn.

[M]

I was in la. I was around the fires. I was there. I blame the gays. That's who I blame for.

[N]

It's funny.

[M]

Cause I was riding around and I seen like all the houses on fire and shit. And you know what was crazy? You know it was still standing. You know it was still standing out of all the ash and the rubble and all the fire. What was still standing was brick chimneys. Why not make the houses out of that next time? That made the most sense ever. You fucking dumb ass niggas. Hey, why would you make the house out of matchsticks? You fucking dumbass. That's crazy, dog. Also, it was funny. I was riding around and I saw a lot of people evacuating their houses and shit like that. And you know what? I didn't see a lot of dogs. No dogs? Yeah, you on dumb white bitch. You know who happy Asian niggas they are happy as fuck.

[A]

All right, I'm done.

[M]

That's good. Now get me out of here.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

Kim. Kim.

[E]

Why don't they make the plane out of the black box?

[M]

I don't know.

[E]

You ever think about that?

[M]

I don't know.

[D]

Too young.

[E]

He would never have heard that. No, I know. I don't think he's stolen.

[A]

I know.

[E]

It's just funny.

[D]

He's like, yeah, good question.

[A]

That is a good question. Yeah, I love it, Cam. Right out of the Dollar General thing. Yeah, funny, funny. Blame the gays. Black chimney, brick chimneys. And ended with Asian N words.

[M]

I was rushing this one.

[A]

Beautiful. An absolute masterpiece. How's life going? Good. You were just in la.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell us more about it then.

[M]

Run around, running around for five people out.

[L]

That was cool.

[M]

My homeboy was out there, you know, so we dropped the water off, shit like that.

[C]

You help with looting?

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Oh, sorry.

[M]

Nah, but it wasn't. It wasn't Chase that was on fire. And I was excited about that. I was like, ooh, if I ain't had no money, nigga, I go get that.

[K]

You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I think your hair got.

[M]

Seemed like a good idea.

[C]

You still mad at Bart Simpson?

[M]

What the that even mean, man?

[C]

Sideshow Bob. He's a character on the. You got to get a tv.

[M]

No, I've seen it.

[A]

I've seen the show, okay?

[M]

I've seen the show. I've heard it before.

[E]

You got loot of tv.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

You really help people out there.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

That's amazing. Tell you're still covered in ash.

[C]

Those are his dad.

[A]

I love it. I love it. Cam. What else is going on?

[M]

Ain't you running around on the road like that?

[N]

Yep.

[A]

You're crushing it. Yeah, life is good. Anything else from the panel here for Cam Patterson? He's did it again. No, Kim's a man can and super consistent.

[D]

What were you doing? How were you helping people? What were you?

[M]

Well, they like we got a bunch of water and.

[D]

You just bought a bunch of water?

[G]

Yeah.

[M]

And then like. Well, they need what? It was on fire.

[A]

You got deliver bought a bunch of water.

[M]

Now I was out. We had a bunch of water and then like it was people like helping out, see? Bought them like plates so they can put food on and like that.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Did run around.

[C]

How bad is it? Is it rough?

[M]

It's.

[A]

It is pretty bad.

[E]

It's pretty bad. Obviously fight literally scraping the bottom of the barrel. We need Cam. Somebody's got to put these fires out.

[M]

I'm here to help.

[A]

I love it, Cam. You did it again. You are the man. Absolutely unbelievable. A new minute from Cam pattern and watch it happen right in front of your eyes. One of the best work ethics. We were talking about it earlier. Him and Ari, Maddie can't every night doing five, six, seven spots in this city. Your next bucket pool is from the inside, everyone. It could be one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, your first inside the room bucket pool tonight. Goes by the name of Joe Bean, everyone. Joe Bean. Where are you at, Joe? Is he here? Oh my goodness. Here he comes. Joe Bean. Hell yeah, here he comes. You guys still having fun out there, huh? No Tickling shame. Oh, he loves tickling me. Come on, make some noise for the inside zone. Joe Bean.

[P]

What's up, comedy mothership? My name is Joe B. And I got a question for y'.

[G]

All.

[P]

Any of y' all ever grown up skinny in a fat ass Mexican family? Hell no. Bunch of white folks here tonight. Oh, there's a Mexican, right? Fat Nevermind. Let me tell y' all what it's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family. Man, we get shit on. My grandma used to call me skin and bones when I was a kid. I'm like, come on, grandma, you're skinny as fuck too. The fuck? My grandma's dead now. I'm like, who's the skin and bones now, Grandma? No, but I imagine growing up skinny in a Mexican family is a lot like growing up light skinned in a black family. They get shit on too.

[C]

They get.

[P]

They definitely get shit on too, right? But I have a theory. I think it's mainly because I think they're jealous like my family. I think it's just that they're jealous, right? Because physically, scientifically, they can't get any lighter, right?

[A]

They're Just mad.

[P]

They're fucking mad the same as my fat ass cousins, right? There's nothing they can do to get any lighter. These motherfuckers eat ozempic for dinner, ain't lose a single pound. All right, my name's Joe Bean.

[G]

That y'.

[P]

All.

[A]

Joe Bean. Shockingly good for an inside the room bucket pool.

[D]

Great, great, great setups. A lot of good setups.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Set up after setup.

[A]

Great premises.

[E]

The jokes, we'll find them.

[A]

Yeah, it did. You gotta laugh off of just laughing about it being like light skinned people in a black fan family.

[E]

The, the point to the. Because I was in direct eyeline of you pointing at the Mexican guy. You called him fat. He literally was like the dude. I'm the only one trying to help you.

[P]

Yeah, he's fat though.

[C]

You are thin. You could slip right through a border wall. Look at this guy.

[A]

It is incredible. How long you been doing standups?

[P]

About a year and a half.

[A]

Okay, and how long have you been a championship horse rider?

[P]

All my life, Tony.

[A]

Is that really. Do you do that? No, that is your calling.

[E]

Do you know that you do have a full jockey head?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Jockey body jockey.

[D]

How tall are you?

[P]

Five. I say five six. On my. On my.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

You're a hood ornament.

[A]

Wait, hold on a second. You get the tape measure? Did you just say. You say that you're 5 6, but you're really 5 5?

[P]

I got a cousin fights in the UFC. I'm taller than him.

[A]

Oh, yes, There are weight divisions in the ufc. Oh, get off your toes. Joe. Joe Bean, I'm on the way.

[P]

How much do I weigh? About 120.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Ask me how old I am, I'm about 150something now. Wow.

[E]

How old are you?

[P]

Not bad. 41.

[C]

Wow, look at that.

[P]

41 years old up. I got a 22 year old. He's sitting right there. 22 years old.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, God damn it.

[P]

Come on, Yoni, you're not supposed to listen to him.

[E]

No, this is me.

[P]

Who's on or off? Shoes off. Shoes off.

[A]

Shoes off. Joe, what kind of shoes are you wearing over there?

[E]

No, Zappa does.

[C]

Get some wings.

[A]

Oh, no. Joe, stand up.

[E]

Take those zapados off and take off that hat.

[A]

Go to the top of his head.

[C]

Yona, get that hat.

[A]

Take off the hat. We don't know what's in there. Oh, there it is. Yoni, getting a good measurement here. What do we got? My guess is five four, five three, five four and a quarter. And bad news. Ari just picked up that quarter that qualified.

[P]

I'm still gonna put five' five on Tinder.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, you're fine.

[P]

That's.

[E]

Yeah, you're five five.

[C]

What nationality are you? You haven't mentioned it. Yeah.

[A]

Are you kidding me? His last name is. Come on. Is Bean short for something?

[P]

Beaner.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

Yeah.

[P]

100. That was my nickname for. For years. And then I started getting white friends and they're like, I can't do that. I can't call you Beaner.

[E]

Wait, you had Mexicans calling you Beaner?

[C]

Yeah.

[P]

We're the most racist people ever.

[E]

I know, but you know, but it's cool, right?

[C]

We love the Mexicans. Sad. You'll be. You guys will be leaving soon. But, you know, hey, I don't make the rules.

[A]

I got two weeks.

[C]

I got two weeks.

[A]

You have a 22 year old son.

[P]

I have a 22 year old.

[A]

How old are you?

[P]

I'm 41.

[A]

41. Incredible. See, you did what your people do.

[P]

That's right.

[A]

You just made a baby as fast as you can.

[P]

But I raised him on my own, so I did the opposite.

[A]

Right.

[P]

I was actually a father all his life.

[A]

Right. And so it's incredible that he had someone to look down. Down to his whole life.

[P]

Son of a.

[A]

You little.

[P]

You son of a.

[E]

Today. But you're.

[H]

You're.

[E]

You're Mr. Bean.

[P]

I'm Mr. Bean.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[P]

I actually was gonna sign up as the Bean.

[E]

The Bean that.

[P]

That. That Tony doesn't know right about. But they didn't let me. They said, you gotta sign up as what? You go up as a bean.

[A]

Bean.

[E]

Great. Mr. Bean's nice.

[C]

Yeah, Mr. Bean's funny.

[E]

Mr. Bean's hilarious.

[P]

Yeah, I talk a lot more than that, I'll tell you.

[C]

Unfortunately.

[A]

So what do you do for work, being such a Mexican?

[P]

I'm an I. T. Operations manager.

[A]

A what?

[P]

I T. Operations manager.

[A]

Okay, that makes sense.

[E]

You actually crawl in the computers. Do they send you in the desktops?

[A]

Do you eat the computers? You.

[E]

No, mine was here.

[P]

I know.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[D]

You'll never get my cookies.

[P]

Yeah, I produce. I produce podcasts as well. You know, I produce two podcasts and. And on my side. On the side.

[D]

And you should have red bait on

[P]

your secret and have two young kids.

[A]

Wow, look at that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Two beans and a pod. So what does your son do for work? We know that a 22 year old does. That means that he's been working for at least 13 years. So what is bro?

[P]

I have my first job at 10 years old. My son, he works on cabinets for.

[A]

For work.

[P]

Oh, yeah, construction.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Does he live in one?

[A]

Did he sign up tonight? He doesn't do stand up, right?

[P]

No, he doesn't do stand up.

[A]

How tall is he?

[P]

He's my height probably. Exactly.

[A]

I'll. I'll bet you he's a little bit taller. Does anyone want to bet he's trying

[E]

to yell out and say, I'm taller?

[A]

Come on up here, little bean. Yeah, it's a family. Thank you, bro.

[P]

Yeah, man.

[A]

Oh, look at this.

[P]

We've been to both. Both HEB arena shows with him, man. He's got the. He's got the tickets to the. To the both of those shows, bro. Like, this is. But this right here is so much different. It's so much better. It's so much like intimate.

[A]

That's right. Horn players, you know, when it's getting a little too Mexican, they start playing the Mexican. I just want to thank you. Donate.

[K]

It's like a big deal.

[A]

There you go. There he is. Oh, my goodness. Oh, man. I guess you guys are about the same height. Look at this.

[C]

All these beans. We need some rice.

[E]

That's rice. So wait.

[P]

Make it official. Yoni gonna make it official.

[D]

Hey, little beaner, let me ask you a question. Question. Look this. Look this way. Your mom was Jewish?

[A]

Oh, my God. She is. Is she really? Yes. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Ari Shafir, with just using his massive nose, is able to guess and smell

[D]

who's Rudolph with your nose.

[P]

Amazing with money too. He's so amazing with money.

[D]

Let's measure noses.

[P]

Yeah, let's measure noses.

[C]

I like that.

[D]

What are we gonna do? Water displacement? If somebody put a dollar bill in the back and hide it, we'll smell where it is.

[A]

Wow. Bean doesn't fall far from the tree here. What's your name, little bean?

[I]

Alex.

[A]

Alex Bean. Alex Bean. Oh, my God. What was it like having a father like Joe? Now's your chance to tell the world. I mean, pretty much like you said, I get to look down to him and.

[E]

You guys ever fight? It'd be like a fucking 12 round fl. Be like a classic. If you guys fought when you were.

[D]

When you were in school and you're like, you were young and you were bad and he had to, like, hit you. Did you just laugh?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[C]

So your mom's Mexican or your mom's Jewish?

[A]

No, my mom's fully white. Fully white. Oh, she just got the nose. Just the nose.

[C]

Oh, I thought I was going to say That's a clean concentration camp. But, you know. But, yeah, halfway half white.

[E]

Is your half white? Is your Jewish. Is your Jewish mom still around?

[A]

No, she's never been around.

[C]

Really? She's not Jewish?

[A]

This is so bad. So the Jewish mom abandoned you?

[P]

Yeah. Two years old.

[E]

No, you guys are lying. Was she actually a Jewish woman?

[F]

No.

[I]

No.

[E]

All right, I missed that part.

[L]

I'm sorry.

[P]

But she was white, so I'm like.

[E]

She was a honky.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

100.

[C]

And she left.

[P]

Yeah, she left.

[B]

Left.

[A]

Well, that's your job. Yeah.

[P]

Thank God.

[A]

So unusual. Why do you think she left? Was it. Were you a big. Were you a big crier?

[P]

No.

[A]

What the. Dude, I was talking to your son?

[P]

No, I think. Why does he think she left? You want.

[A]

Okay, let's hear both of your theories. I think my dad is a little dick. Well, it is genetic, so judge. Judging by me, I would say that's probably fair. It's probably fair.

[E]

Okay. No, we're asking about your mom.

[A]

Yes.

[P]

Yeah, No, I think she was raised kind of by helicopter parents. When she became an adult, she got into the party life and then went wild. I was the opposite. I started partying when I was, like, 12 years old, and I was done by 18 years old. When I found out I was having a kid, I was like, like, all right, I'm gonna be a father now.

[C]

I think it stunted your growth.

[P]

Yeah.

[F]

100, bro.

[P]

And the Mexican didn't help either.

[C]

Right, right.

[E]

And then she kept partying.

[P]

Yes.

[A]

To this day.

[E]

Oh, she's still partying?

[F]

Yes.

[A]

You're in communication with her? No. How do you know she's still partying to this day?

[P]

I don't know. I hear things.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

It sounds like it's not really a fun party. It's one of those.

[D]

No heroin.

[A]

Right. Yeah.

[P]

Scary parties.

[E]

Sounds like it's a scary party. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

That's all right.

[B]

All right.

[P]

100%.

[C]

Sorry.

[P]

I'm feeling better already.

[C]

You seem pretty well adjusted with the. The mom gone, the little dad you're hanging out.

[A]

I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

[E]

Little dad.

[A]

Hey, it's all Look. All look. You make good cabinets. Always.

[O]

Always.

[A]

Is it your own company? No, sir. I do. I service cabinetry. Okay. I'm as Mexican as it gets. They have me crawling in them, putting them up, everything. Absolutely.

[D]

That's your only job. Do you ever work as an elf and around Christmas time?

[H]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Yes, sir.

[E]

Yes, sir.

[A]

It's my only job. The old Mexican elf down at the South Pole.

[E]

I'm a big Fan of the beans.

[A]

Absolutely. And I am as well. So much so that I am giving you both a big joke book from the Great Bonsai. There you go. One for you. 1.

[E]

Give you a little one.

[F]

What?

[E]

Sweet, guys.

[A]

Absolutely. Thank you. Wow.

[E]

Yes, please.

[A]

Hell, yeah. From Bean Light to Bud Light for Shane Gillis. From Brown Claw to White Claw for Ari. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of David Lynam, everybody. David Lynam. What can possibly happen next?

[J]

A schoolteacher in Florida got arrested for sleeping with a student last week. It's like a thing now, right? The teacher of the years. Parents were outraged. They were like, how does something like this happen in our community? And I'm here to tell y', all, who do you think's voting for teacher of the year? This is students that are the teacher. It's a hell of a campaign to go. I'm not saying there's a correlation. Look, I'm not saying there's a correlation, but it does seem like ever since this broke out, the school shootings have gone down. Am I right? If it does feel like the teachers got together and they were like, hey, we can solve this in house, you

[A]

know, we can stop it.

[J]

We're gonna start a detention. We're just gonna run it a little bit different, you know? My son sees this on the news. I asked him other day, I said, you ever fantasized about one of your teachers? He's like, dad, you're disgusting. No, that's gross. And I don't know if he's socially awkward because we homeschool him or what his problem is, or Roll Tide.

[E]

Right?

[J]

I mean, if he can make his mom come, at least somebody in this house can get it done, you know? That's my time.

[C]

Thank y'.

[A]

All. David Lynham with a five funny set. Hello. You're much funnier than you looked like you were gonna be when you came out.

[E]

I swear to God. You see how slow it was at first? They didn't like it because.

[J]

Oh, no, no.

[E]

Because of the earring in your ear and your hair.

[J]

Yeah, I look like the singer creed. I get that all the time, but.

[E]

Oh, you spit a lot.

[J]

That was.

[E]

That's all right. That happened.

[A]

Guys, I'm sorry.

[J]

I'm a little bit drunk. I've been hanging out with autistic people at Poor Choices for two hours.

[E]

Yeah, this guy definitely rules.

[A]

Y.

[J]

There's the sham.

[D]

Wow.

[J]

Guys over there, if y' all want to know the pitch guy, is he really that punched the hooker he's walking around slow.

[A]

Me.

[C]

Yeah, get him over here.

[A]

Did he? Did he.

[J]

His handler is wearing a Shamro, a ShamWow hoodie.

[A]

He signed up for the show.

[J]

No, he's over there talking to people. Dude. It is bizarre. Dude, I'm so glad to be here with y', all, dude. I can't believe I got called.

[E]

And.

[J]

And on top of that, this panel's great, but Godamn, I couldn't wait to

[E]

get out of there.

[D]

Dude, he directed a movie I was in. Me and Adrian Brody were in a movie directed by the ShamWow.

[A]

How insane is he? Should we get him over here?

[C]

You got to get him over here.

[A]

All right, somebody go get the Sham wow guy.

[C]

Sham wow.

[A]

You got to love it. A random Monday night in Austin, Texas.

[C]

Go find that guy.

[A]

Got the Sham Wow guy got people in the front row drinking glass. Anything can happen.

[C]

He could clean that up.

[A]

David, tell us about your life.

[I]

How long.

[A]

How long you been doing stand up?

[J]

I'm a career drummer that quit a year and a year and a half ago to do comedy.

[A]

I. I like career drummer.

[J]

I paid for my house playing drums and quit to do this.

[A]

Well, boy, oh boy, do I do

[E]

the white man for you.

[A]

No, no, no, I don't. We have a tradition on this show. It's called a Mexican drum off. That's where we have a drum solo competition between two people. David, you're going to be going first here tonight. Here's the deal, David. If you win, you're the new full time backup drummer for the band. Michael Gonzalez is playing a football stadium tonight. We are lucky to have the unbelievable stylings of Charles Reed as our full time backup drummer. So you do about, I don't know, 20 to 32nd long. Wait a second. Balance that. Oh, my God. Wow, look at that. That's his Ari Shafir impression, everybody. That's what Ari looks like without the drumstick. That is incredible. His new special, America's Sweetheart, out tonight at midnight.

[D]

Just any joke you make.

[A]

I mean, every time I roast you, you get a plug, you disgusting Jew. At midnight. American America's sweetheart. So anyway, if you win, you're the new full time backup drummer here in Austin, Texas for Kill Tony. And you get to do comedy in Austin, Texas too. You know what I mean? That would make you here in Austin. So now is the time. A tradition unlike any other. Okay. It's in his nose. The Charles Reed playing it cool. Even though that's very disrespectful. There you go. Oh, oh, oh, he pulled back on the fist bump. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo. This is Charles Reed. He lost a stick. Oh, he's picking his nose. All right. There is David Lyneum with the drum solo. Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Reed about to bury him. Yeah. Yeah. It's gonna be cool. Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne as the backup drummer, one of the great freak talents of this, the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas. This is Charles Reed. Jesus Christ. One of the most unbelievable ass beatings we've ever seen. Wow.

[C]

Whoa.

[E]

Hey.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

That was a close one.

[C]

I know. Don't think Charles is better at drumming and comedy.

[A]

Unbelievable. This is the first time I've ever seen a black guy put his knee on a white guy's neck before. Oh, my God. That is incredible.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[J]

You see why I quit, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

I paid for my house and got out of that industry, dude.

[A]

Charles, how do you feel?

[D]

Your house with a.

[A]

Oh, it's off. Okay. One bedroom. How many of you have David Lyneum winning that? Just a boo from the crowd. Just one boo.

[E]

Nasty.

[A]

How many of you have Charles Reed winning? But good news, David. Your set was good. Anything else crazy we should know about your life before letting you go?

[J]

I worked for the drummer for Guns N' Roses for a couple years and.

[A]

Okay, what was that like, babysitting?

[D]

Did you make him feel better about his talent?

[J]

Hey, I'm telling you, it was a full time job, like, a lot.

[A]

What was the name of your band?

[J]

Lyneum.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

Yeah.

[E]

Called Line them. You didn't.

[J]

I didn't name it. I didn't name the band. I would never name the band my last name, but.

[E]

But you did.

[J]

Yeah, but.

[L]

No.

[E]

But then you did.

[J]

No, no, no, I did not. The rest of the band called it that. We were last in line when they were going out. Band names, obviously. It gets misspelled on every marquee across the country, so.

[E]

Yeah, a lot of Marquis.

[J]

Yeah, we did.

[E]

We. We flew below your radar, but we

[J]

made, you know, enough money to pay for a house in Alabama, so.

[A]

Well, you just got beat by one show.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

You just got your ass handed to you by Biz Marquis. Yeah, see, that's about as old of a reference as Charlotte's Web. We liked your set, though. David Lynem. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go.

[J]

Thank you guys so much.

[A]

On to the next one. We're flying through it here tonight. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of dk, everyone. Dk.

[H]

Thank You.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Here's dk. One more time for dk, everybody. These people wait all evening for this opportunity.

[G]

Most people these days aren't too smart. The reason why I say that is because most people think digging is the way that you end up finding oil. That's not necessarily the case. Another way is looking for terrorists and weapons of mass destruction. Little bit about myself, My birthday is. My birthday is 4 20. For most people, that's a day of celebration, right? But every so often, I get somebody who will come and let me know, like, hey, do you know you share a birthday with Hitler? And I go, wow, that's an interesting fact. No one's ever told me that before in 27 years. And they go, how does it feel to share a birthday with such a bad guy? And I go, who? Hitler? They go, yeah, Hitler is well known for killing 4.6 million Jews in Germany. And I go, okay, but, like, what did he do wrong? For those of you who are smart in the crowd, you would have heard that joke and go, wow, 4.6 million. That guy must be off. But the thing is, I don't necessarily count the women. Thank you. I think I'm gonna leave it there.

[A]

Okie dokie. Hell yeah. Dk, Fresh off of winning the drum solo competition, do I. Dare I ask what DK is short for? Because I'm thinking of a video game right now.

[C]

So I'm thinking.

[G]

Doesn't that's the first thought that usually comes out of people's mouths?

[D]

I think it's for having spelled Dairy Queen.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Spam. Patterson.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

It's my son, Derry King,

[O]

one of

[G]

the ones that are good at spelling.

[A]

What is DK stand for?

[G]

It stands for Drama King.

[A]

What?

[G]

It stands for Drama King. That is what it means.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[E]

Did your parents give you that or did you do that one?

[G]

I. I did that one. Clearly.

[E]

Well, I don't know how clear.

[G]

Well, my friends did that one, but I rolled with it.

[A]

Why they be calling you Drama?

[G]

Because I'm a bit dramatic.

[A]

Tony, can you give us an example of a time in which you were dramatic? Yeah. You got pulled over.

[G]

I'm one of those guys.

[A]

Oh, we're groaning now. Two hours into the episode, we're gonna start groaning. I just called him Donkey Kong is second ago. Everyone was fine with it. I say it gets pulled over. The black guy just gave me a thumbs up. Thank you, sir. I can tell because the inside of his thumb is white. Okay. All right. Oh, my God. I dug myself into a deeper Hole. And now we're getting applause. Let's go. Okay, so give us a time in which you were dramatic.

[G]

So the reason why I got this name is because I'm very emotional for a man. Like, I like to sit around with my friends and talk about God and consciousness, and I'm like, I think we should be loving each other. They're like, that's gay. You are very dramatic for a man.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

So, I mean, that's. That's who I am. And I just. I. I roll with that, you know?

[A]

I love it. Yeah. What do you do for work, dk?

[G]

So I work as a valet driver at this hotel. Up.

[D]

Who the would trust you with their kids?

[G]

I definitely get a lot of side eyes, Ari.

[C]

Mr.

[E]

Drama King, please make my car.

[G]

No, no, no. My. My real name is Timothy. That's not. That's not a hidden fact.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[G]

No, but the people just call me dk.

[A]

I've gotten word that, Drama King, that you once tried to fight one of the nicest humans in all of show business, Yone, the producer of Tony. Would you like to tell us exactly why a man named. It would take a man named Drama King to ever want to hurt sweet, sweet Yoni.

[G]

As I said, I'm very emotional.

[A]

What happened?

[G]

Yoni told me. This was. This was a while ago, so my memory might be a little bit scratchy. This. None of it was on Yoni. All of it was on me.

[A]

Absolutely. We. I already knew that. Yoni, if you're wondering who that is. Cackling that's Yoni. Yeah.

[G]

So I didn't know who Yoni was. He came and he approached me and told me to step off. Step away from the sidewalk while smoking.

[E]

Nobody tells Drama King to step off the sidewalk.

[A]

Yeah, no, no, no.

[G]

That was. That. That wasn't the issue.

[E]

I felt Drama King.

[G]

I felt the intention behind it was kind of malicious. Like, I didn't know who he was. Clearly had the authority to be doing that, and it made sense at the time.

[A]

And he's one of the nicest guys.

[G]

He is. He is. Yeah. I've had a conversation with him after. He's a great man.

[D]

You thought he was some random guy telling you to go off the sidewalk?

[G]

Yeah, I thought it was somebody who worked at P.O.

[N]

choices.

[A]

Oh. Oh, okay. So. All right. That also would have been a weird.

[G]

Like, I'm not even in. I'm not even at the building. Like, I'm off to the sidewalk.

[A]

So right in front of the door.

[G]

I'm guessing a few feet Away from the door.

[A]

Yeah, it's confirmed by Yoni. Definitely right in front of the door. What were you smoking? Black and mild crack. Oh, okay.

[N]

No, it.

[A]

It was.

[G]

It was definitely weird.

[A]

It was wheat. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Yeah.

[G]

I mean, I smoked a blunt with you about two and a half years ago.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

In your face, Tony. Damn it.

[E]

How's it feel?

[O]

Where the.

[E]

Were you in drama king hanging out, you know, where were you, drama king? Were you at his apartment? Did he bring you? Did you guys kiss?

[D]

Let me show you where I get

[A]

to put the hot tablet. Who's getting tickled? Get tickled?

[E]

I would never get tickled.

[A]

Where do we smoke this blunt?

[G]

So it was at the back of the creek in the cave.

[A]

This was when. The creek.

[E]

That's where all the love making happens, Drama king.

[G]

Yeah, it was during a Legion of Skank show. You came out in a cowboy outfit. There was pretty much no

[E]

tracks.

[A]

Sounds about right. We taped a little episode of Broke Black Mountain, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[G]

It was right after the paying day.

[A]

So I was smoking a blunt and you walked up and hit it.

[G]

No, I was smoking a blunt and I asked you if you wanted to hit it and you were like, sure, man.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. I don't know why you had to do that voice, Drama king.

[E]

God damn it. Drama king.

[C]

You want to hit this? Sure, I'll you.

[E]

What else happened, though, after that, you guys. What would you guys talk about?

[A]

What you guys do so to it?

[G]

It was right after Tony was going through a situation and he was the pan, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

We were talking about the state of comedy, etc, and he was like, yeah, man, you know people.

[A]

All right, what's going on?

[E]

You nasty. Drama king.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

There you go. Timmy.

[E]

He got you in one word.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, two more.

[C]

Two more, Tony.

[G]

I mean, this is wonderful.

[A]

All right, whatever, dude.

[G]

Yeah, that was a. It was a terrible impression.

[A]

Okay, Anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go dk? Drama king.

[G]

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, if. If there is anything you should know about my character, it's that I've done a lot of psychedelics and that's just about it.

[C]

Hell, yeah.

[G]

The only thing that I consider very significant. Over a hundred heroic dose trips.

[A]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[E]

Over a hundred.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Like doing ounces of mushrooms.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Drama king.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

That's too many trips.

[A]

Yeah, it is a lot.

[G]

But I'm here and I'm lucid and I'm cognizant, so.

[C]

No, you're not. Actually here. Right.

[G]

Must be some lies together.

[E]

Barely.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You be tripping, dude.

[G]

Yeah, I definitely do. It's one thing that I'm very known for chirping, both physically and mentally.

[A]

What the was that? Red Band. He doesn't even know Red Pan. That is crazy.

[E]

Red Man. What did you just do?

[A]

Have fun bleeping that in the edit, you creepers. Holy nothing. It was nothing. I ran out of big joke books. Here's a little joke, Buck.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

There he goes.

[E]

On behalf of Red Band, I apologize. I don't know what that was.

[A]

Nobody knows.

[E]

No, we're not editing that out. We're gonna keep that one in red man. Disgusting. Drama king, we all apologize. Sweet, sweet Drama king.

[A]

All right.

[E]

What the were you doing? What you think that was?

[A]

I did it. That was actually a mistake.

[E]

No way.

[A]

When he was talking about Donkey Kong, I had it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very good. Yes, Great. Let's talk about it for as long as possible, please, everybody. Can we talk about it all night?

[E]

I'm gonna bring it up every time. You can't edit it out. I'm gonna bring it up five more times. Red band pressed a monkey sound effect. Red Band, Yeah. Where we at time wise? Edit this out. No, I'm gonna bring it up. But Red band literally pressed a monkey sound effect.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

For one second, then caught himself. But it was just enough. You just heard that?

[A]

Was that Donkey Kong sound effect?

[C]

Donkey Kong.

[A]

Red Band, please.

[E]

Come on, man.

[A]

For the love of God, everyone, can we please stop fucking talking about it?

[E]

I can't believe that.

[A]

Stop monkeying around up here. Are we having fun tonight? Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what's about to happen. Austin is so crazy that sometimes you have special choice treats that pop in. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you here to be on the podcast for a bit. This is indeed the ShamWow guy, Vince Offer. What's up? Hell yeah. Vince, grab that microphone. Right there, right there. Right behind you.

[C]

Get the mic. Wait, who's.

[A]

No, keep going, keep going. Wait, shamwell guy. Who the is this guy?

[N]

I. I like. You're a goat in insult comedy. I'm a goat in sales. It's not a big category, but I gotta have a bouncer, a bodyguard.

[C]

Is that made out of shamwow?

[G]

Yeah.

[N]

And, you know, oh, and if I beat up hookers, I need the blood to be picked up by something.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[N]

But these girls are too beautiful to have be.

[A]

Absolutely.

[N]

I don't pick good. Well, I'm Trying to recruit Ari to do inappropriate comedy too. So I got half a million dollars fired up.

[E]

Oh, you're too big now. You're too good.

[N]

Ari's funny. AR is funny. No, he's funny, but he's funnier in my movie Inappropriate Comedy.

[A]

Oh, where can people find this. This movie nowadays? Where's inappropriate 4chan?

[N]

Hey, your producer didn't want me to. Me to come on your podcast ass.

[F]

Really?

[N]

I'm not talking to you. Oh, this is my. I have protege.

[C]

So give him a raise.

[A]

Just kidding. Mark I.

[N]

No, no, he's my protege.

[O]

He's a little.

[N]

You know, he's. We're doing he. What's great about him. He does rap rhyme.

[C]

Oh, no.

[N]

Anybody's name. He's one of those guys rhyme.

[A]

That guy. That guy. That guy raps.

[N]

Change one of my. Yeah, go ahead.

[D]

Do a rap.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Oh, the sham.

[A]

Wow, guys, welcome to an episode where we've seen it all. Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, the shamwow guy's security guard is not going to.

[N]

Wow, and I'll dance to it. This is my first time on stage, so I'm very nervous.

[C]

You're doing great.

[A]

You're doing.

[N]

I just asked you to get a drink, then she said, you don't want

[A]

to get a drink. You're doing great now, ladies and gentlemen. So basically, my name is Sean Lennon. I'm from Brooklyn. Vinnie called me up and said, we're going to kill. Kill Tony. I said, no, phony. I got some cowboy boots and a half boy bought Ronaroni. I stepped on a plane like, yo, let's go kill this Tony. Where's he at, bro? And I said, oh, shit, it's comedy. So I left it to my buddy shamwow guy. He said, oh, my. But you didn't know because Kill Tony said, why? We don't like rap. We don't like that crap. I don't care if you're from Howard Stern. Take it back. Yes. All right. Wow.

[C]

Yikes.

[A]

Wow. You can do this all. It's like a hip hop comedy show. Oh, yeah.

[E]

This is a hip hop comedy show.

[A]

That is.

[N]

Oh, but, Ari, it's so good to see you haven't.

[K]

He's.

[N]

He was in my film. I thought. I thought you were gonna.

[D]

I mean, me, you, Adrian Brody, Lindy Lohan.

[N]

That's my dude right there.

[C]

Really?

[N]

Adrian Brody was like Dirty Harry, but Flirty Harry make me gay, you know?

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Yes, wow.

[A]

And we had Ari.

[N]

No, I saw Ari doing all this racist stuff. I love racist stuff.

[A]

Yeah,

[C]

well, you're at the right show.

[N]

Well, I want Tony to talk because I've always, you know.

[A]

No, you're doing great. You. You and your buddy are fantastic. It is. You guys are like co partners meets cocaine. This is incredible.

[N]

You know what? People think I do drugs. I don't. Billy Mays did drugs. They always connect me with him a little. I'm getting a little heavy.

[E]

This is not drugs. What is this?

[N]

Looking pretty good at 60. Do I look good at 60?

[A]

I'm not bad. You're 60?

[E]

You're 60.

[I]

Wow.

[D]

You still hookers?

[N]

You know what's funny? I have one at my home tonight.

[C]

Wait, did you go to jail for that?

[A]

Next question. Wow, the security guy. Also pr.

[N]

I have to leave now.

[C]

No, hang out. This is weird.

[A]

Tell us, Vince, what have you been up to? You're Mark.

[N]

I love Mark.

[A]

Amazing mythical creature.

[N]

I'm coming out with a new product. This is the first time I'm saying this.

[A]

I love this. I love it right now.

[C]

Sell it, baby.

[A]

Let's hear it.

[N]

And I want you all to buy it because I see everybody's white here. So listen, it's called the Black Wow. It's black.

[G]

Big black.

[N]

The girls can take it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room. And it's big black, strong. And it's diversity. The eye.

[A]

So wait a second. It's basically a shamwow, but it's black. Oh my.

[C]

So it doesn't work.

[K]

Damn.

[E]

You can't.

[A]

It makes a bigger mess.

[N]

Can Mark be in the commercial?

[C]

No, I don't want anywhere near that fucking thing.

[A]

You're too white.

[N]

You're too white.

[A]

But do you have a catchphrase for black wow yet? Do we?

[N]

Do we have a catchphrase? He's one of my co writers. I lost him. Okay, well.

[A]

Yes.

[N]

You ready? If you don't buy it, you're fucking racist. Oh, that means everybody's got to buy one. Come on. Send the money up right now.

[A]

Okay, here we go. We're going to raise some funds. Vince, where did you meet this white rapper?

[N]

Okay, we. I used to have a movie called Underground Comedy. This is back in the 90s, before war.

[A]

I did.

[N]

At the time they were attacking my film. You know, I have suit models taking a dump. Dick man fights lesbians. Miss America Bag Lady Pageant. I think I told Ari about it when I did number two.

[D]

It was wild.

[K]

It was before.

[N]

And it's not even on the Internet.

[G]

It's so.

[N]

Fuck. I messed up.

[M]

But.

[N]

So the critics all hated it because they're all woke in la and they said, it's the worst movie ever made. No one, it's not funny. Come on. You're lying your ass off. But anyway, so I had to go into the street and promote underground comedy on the street. And then people go to the theater and we fill it up. And I said, what am I doing selling movie tickets when I can be on infomercials? And that's how I got into the infomercial. I had like a little DVD player showing it. People on the street got them into the theater. And then that's how I crossed it in infomercials. I said, forget movies, let's do something movies.

[E]

Let's focus on towels.

[N]

Exactly. I said, fuck it.

[E]

And the towns were fucking and I'm

[N]

beating up hookers right now. Clean up the hookers. Yes, the blood. And then I crossed. That's how I crossed over into infomercials. From the, from that. Because the critics hated me. So I took that and, you know, went from rags to riches.

[L]

Absolutely.

[A]

I'm curious to know, like, and I, I, I tend to ask people obnoxiously direct forward questions on this show, and this might be a little too forward. Like, did you. How much ball. Oh, my God. Okay. I've been informed that it has a 22% on popcorn meter. Inappropriate. My question is this. How about. Can you give us a ballpark of about how much money you made from the Shamwow universe?

[N]

Okay, so about. Okay. Grossed 100 million. I made about 20.

[F]

Wow.

[N]

Right?

[A]

So fucking awesome. Honestly, I.

[N]

Okay. It's my first time on stage, so I'm like, I'm actually kind of shy,

[A]

but you're doing great.

[N]

And the girl, that girl, the blonde girl is supposed to give me a drink, but whatever, she's busy doing drink, getting hit on.

[I]

Bye, guys.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, I want a Bud Light too.

[I]

Whatever.

[E]

Yeah, that blonde girl's supposed to give me a drink too, bro.

[A]

Yeah, Heidi knows the type of guys that will punch her in the face.

[N]

And by the way, I got this. All right, let me get back to the question again. Sorry.

[A]

No, you answered it. About 20 million. That's the ballpark. And then what happened? Did the hooker thing.

[N]

Costume, Honestly. Okay, you want to know what happened? You know, I, Yeah, I was. This is like, I don't want to get into a documentary here, but I wasn't a cult for 20 years. I don't want to say what cult, because I don't want to get killed after the show or maybe within the next week.

[A]

Scientology. Perfect.

[N]

I didn't say that. You said that. I said, well, it's kill Tony, so it's perfect. I don't want to kill me, so you're good. I didn't say that, but. So I was 20 years in it. Unfortunately, it wasn't a sex cult. It was a reading cult. And then when I was in Miami,

[E]

it's the opposite of sex.

[N]

I had $20 million in my pocket. I'm like, everybody.

[A]

Every model wants it.

[N]

I couldn't even talk.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

The Russian girl said, hey, let's. I don't want to even say who it is because I don't start yapping a little.

[E]

You gave her one, too?

[N]

Yeah, honestly, because I was. I was a little repressed, to be honest.

[E]

What do you mean?

[N]

Well, you know, 20 years in. In a cult that doesn't have sex. I mean, and if you have sex, you got to write it down. It's like a. It's like a sin. Yeah, it's true.

[C]

Whoa.

[N]

Yeah. Pretty bad.

[A]

You had 20 million bucks.

[N]

I should have joined a sex cult. But what.

[A]

So you had 20 million bucks, and you weren't really even that much?

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. So then all I kind of like,

[N]

okay, this is like a podcast now.

[A]

Oh, it is. It's been a podcast the whole time. A big one.

[N]

I don't think I sent a release. Okay.

[A]

Oh, God, you didn't.

[E]

I hope you did.

[A]

Oh, Jesus.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Vince, Vince, please don't get another Ron. We got another Ron from Sean.

[C]

No, we're good. It's time to throw in the towel.

[N]

My disinterest. All right. But anyway, where we at?

[A]

So how much did the hooker thing cost you?

[N]

I should have had sex with her, I guess, if I'm gonna get blamed for it. But anyway, long story short, I did not think, like, oh, wow, you can just have sex for, like, money. I'm like, I never thought.

[C]

Was she on the rag? All right, that's the last towel joke.

[A]

Oh, hey.

[C]

There we go.

[A]

Absolutely. All right, there's one.

[N]

Does anybody want to know what a thoughtist, by the way, is? I come up with products and names for products.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

I'm the owner of the products, so I came up with the word thoughtist. So, like, let's say you like Trump and I like Biden. Right? We don't hate each other.

[A]

Right? Yeah, that's probably.

[N]

But if you. I hated you because you like Trump, I would hate your thought. So that's called a thoughtist. So, like, the color. So you know how racist.

[G]

Hate.

[L]

Hate.

[N]

Like black. You like, you don't like black people.

[A]

Well, I mean, you're. You're jumping ahead there. I'm not gonna let you work the soundboard over here, that's for sure. Oh, Red man, stop that. Do not do that anymore.

[C]

He's got a.

[G]

No.

[A]

Like,

[G]

no, if you don't like it.

[A]

Like, you don't like.

[N]

Like someone doesn't like a black guy because of his color. Color of his skin. Right. He doesn't hates him. So this is someone who hates you because of the color of your thought. So you came up with the color, like, thoughtest.

[O]

So.

[N]

And I came up with that word. So I'm trying to promote the. I'm trying.

[E]

Your new product is a word.

[A]

You've invented a word, and it's free.

[N]

You can have it. You can use it. If someone hates you for something, you can say, you know what? You're a fucking thoughtist. Don't be a thau artist. Yeah, so I like Trump. You don't have to hate me. You can just, like, debate me. Yeah, so that's kind of what I'm trying to say because, you know, I don't think it's so much.

[D]

It's pretty gay, but it's not bad.

[C]

Hey, Red band's on the board.

[A]

And he's back.

[E]

That man's back. He's gonna blow it.

[A]

He's back.

[E]

But he's back. He's back. Give him a minute.

[N]

What's funny is I'm just trying to get my protege here to come on, and, I don't know, all of a sudden, I'm out.

[G]

Come on.

[A]

No, you're doing good, Vince. No one wants your protege. It's a diamond dozen.

[N]

Move two feet and your body will follow. Come on.

[A]

No, it's okay. It's okay. He did good. The rap was good. Yeah, it was good.

[D]

It was terrible. Tony, Yo.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I'm just saying that he moves on. Let Bill Murray's brother just let me do the weave.

[N]

Back with Trump. We met at, you know, when underground comedy was so offensive.

[A]

We had.

[N]

We went out. He used to be a caller on the Howard Stern show and call and say things, and that's how we met.

[A]

Oh, cool.

[C]

Ah. Y sham

[E]

Yosemite Sham.

[A]

Wow, that's. That is great.

[N]

So we met at the house.

[A]

Well, Vince, we're going to keep it moving along. Any last words to the beautiful audience here, to the people? Your first time live on stage?

[N]

Yeah, first time. I appreciate you guys all made me feel good. I got the goats of comedy.

[A]

And hang, hang, hang out. The. Yeah, hang out. We'll all afterwards, give Vince. Give Vince and his friends some Mitzi's passes.

[C]

Wow. How about that, huh?

[A]

All right, all right, we're almost to the end. Here we have our first female comedian of the night. Which will be our last bucket pool. Let's see how this goes. Ladies and gentlemen, a minute from Bri Colette. Bri Colette, everyone. There she is. Bri Colette, everybody.

[C]

They will keep coming, keep coming, sister. Give me a queef.

[B]

Okay, all right, give me a second.

[A]

That pretty?

[B]

Sorry, I'm dyslexic. Yeah, I could burp on command. It's pretty cool. I actually have an onlyfans for it. Only burps. That's $5. I'm sorry. You're cool. You're hot. I was supposed to do a joke. Thank you. Yeah, my dad. Hey, this is what bombing looks like. Someone's like. That's not.

[A]

All right. That is all the time.

[E]

She didn't really get a chance.

[A]

What are you talking about? What do you have a burp fetish?

[E]

Well, Mark burst in her face and then I. I think you were riffing, even playing on burp burping right away. Did you?

[A]

No. Really?

[B]

No.

[E]

Yeah, obviously.

[A]

Did you want to do like material? You burped and just talked about burping the whole time.

[B]

You know, it is a job. But I mean, do you have any

[A]

non burp material you'd like to do? Okay, thank you. Red band. Very good. And it took him that long to blow it. Everyone, a fart noise during a burp part of the show. Absolutely.

[E]

Dude.

[J]

Oh my God.

[E]

The king is back.

[A]

Oh my God. The people love it. Sub business partner, Brian Redban. Thirteen and a half years working side by side.

[E]

Hold on, I have a question. I'm sorry, did you plan. Did you honestly plan on doing burp material?

[B]

No.

[E]

Okay, Yeah, I thought so, but I

[B]

heard some weak ass burps up here and so I had to compete.

[A]

Hold on. I don't know who it was. Just relax too, hyphen. Oh my God. What are you talking about? Did someone burp? Burped into the microphone?

[B]

Yeah, a couple times.

[C]

Not with her here.

[A]

Right before. You heard a burp earlier?

[E]

Am I the one who's wrong? Did Mark burp as soon as she got on? That was you the whole time?

[A]

Yeah. And then.

[E]

Are you mutant. Sorry, I was defending her. That's on me.

[A]

Let me ask you this, this. If you didn't hear Mark burp many minutes ago, were you planning on doing your entire minute about burping?

[B]

No, I got distracted. It's my adhd.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, No, I mean, I want her. I wanted her to do a joke when I brought her out here. I mean, I. I don't understand.

[B]

I don't. I don't want to kill time. I mean, I already did, so.

[A]

All right. Want to root for.

[D]

But she's unlikable.

[A]

Yeah. It's unbelievable. I'm unlikable. All right, come on here, ladies and gentlemen. Here to do some of her actual material, her non burp material, ladies and gentlemen. Mark, put your microphone down. This is Brie Colette, everybody. Brie Colette.

[E]

That's pretty funny. All right, cut her off.

[A]

Oh, my God. All right, all right. Perfect. That's it. Great.

[E]

That is the funniest thing you could have done.

[A]

Perfect. You did it, Bri. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It is so great to see that Amy Schumer has new material. This is incredible. So how long have you been doing standup?

[B]

I started in Portland about two and a half, three years ago.

[A]

Two and a half years ago. In Portland, where they find that type of stuff unbelievably groundbreaking and hilarious. Super hip. Super hip. It's not hot.

[B]

It's hot.

[A]

So how much. How much material do you think you have altogether? Non burp material.

[B]

Solid 20.

[A]

Okay. Oh, what types of things do you talk about when you're not burping in front of millions of fucking people? And the biggest opportunity that you'll ever have in your entire life, which you will look back and regret on forever

[B]

as of now.

[E]

But, oh, yeah, there's gonna be bigger opportunities.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Trust me, dude. The burp queen.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

She's gonna link up with the drama king.

[A]

Yeah. Yep.

[B]

And they're gonna fucking, you know. No, but yeah, I don't know. Dicks.

[A]

What about dicks? What about dicks?

[E]

That's the best to do.

[B]

I mean, I.

[A]

What about dicks?

[B]

I talk about dating. I talk about how I have bipolar, too, so I'm not the crazy one, you know, and the ADHD and just. I'm just up. So.

[C]

Okay. Can we hear a zinger about dicks?

[B]

A zinger?

[C]

A joke, you know, like a comedian.

[E]

A joke. Mark's from the 20s. Yeah.

[A]

Can we hear a zinger?

[C]

Come on, you crazy broad.

[A]

I took the locomotive here, took the locomotive here to hear some zingers. All I'm hearing is some upchurch.

[C]

Give me some yuck em ups, you burp pig.

[B]

Okay, okay, I like it.

[A]

Talk about something you read in the newspaper. The periodicals.

[B]

This is great. Thank you for coming.

[F]

I love it.

[B]

You ever seen a dick? Okay, wait.

[C]

Yeah, I have seen a dick.

[E]

Wait, wait. That's not how it starts.

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

I'm sitting with five of them.

[B]

You ever put a dick in your mouth?

[C]

Not yet.

[A]

All right.

[B]

As soon as you put it in, it kind of like. Like latches in place, you know? No. There. Head dick. You know, I don't even drink water.

[A]

Oh, my God. All right, here's a little joke book. Bri, that was. There you go. Boom. There she goes. Bri, Colette, everybody. She can belch, which, by the way, everyone can do. Little fun. Fact is, anybody can do that at any point.

[E]

Point. She was good. I've done you. You missed out on a star.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

It should have been a golden ticket. That was a superstar.

[C]

Yeah, she's been the best yet. Probably.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time. William Montgomery has the flu, everybody.

[C]

Yes, thank God.

[A]

William Montgomery, with what some people are saying is up to a 103 degree fever right now. So he is out. However, ladies and gentlemen, here to close the show is literally one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Some people call him the American dream. Some people call him the green Card Goliath. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Matin.

[O]

I am so fucking tired of being poor, I'm about to snap. When is it my time? Even if you make a million dollars now, remember when you were a kid, you thought, million dollars. That's a fucking summer house in Italy. Downtown apartment in Austin. Now a million dollars.

[A]

Whoo.

[O]

One bedroom in Pflugerville. Now I feel bad for millionaires. I'm like, fuck, Chick Fil A's hiring. I don't know. When you look at rich people, don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school? Like, where they talked, where the bag is at, you know? Because my school was like Alphabet Hitler. And then they were like, okay, now go pay taxes. What the fuck was algebra? Teach me how to run a scam, you bitch. Like, remember when we spent three years on a triangle? I'm 32 years old, never even seen one. Teach me about offshore accounts.

[F]

Fuck.

[O]

And when you meet rich people, I always ask. I always ask how? And they never say, oh. It's some real vague,

[L]

you know.

[O]

Rich people love to say, like, ah, the right place at the right time. I've been everywhere.

[A]

Always.

[O]

Let me in, rich people.

[N]

Come on.

[O]

Let me in the circle. Let's go.

[C]

I get it.

[O]

Let's fucking privatize water in Sierra Leone. Let's go.

[A]

I'm cool.

[O]

Take me to Epstein Island.

[N]

Let's go.

[O]

I'll the kids and keep my mouth shut. The only people who do give you financial advice are dudes who are into crypto.

[C]

Huh?

[O]

How come every guy who tells you about crypto is also on the bus? It's always your friend Tyler with, like, bong breath.

[E]

Dude, Bitcoin's coming back.

[O]

You want to be like Tyler. The fact that this information has trickled down to you means we're already too late. Thank you so much, everybody.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

3 minutes and 9 seconds of brand new material. Absolutely unbelievable. Ari, Matty has done it again. Three over three times. The necessary work that you had to do. A whole cohesive bit. Well, thanks. You did it. I mean, it is just unbelievable. And you're getting in. You're just sliding into home base at the last second with your I'm still poor material right before you announce a new Giant tour. I'm sure, because you sell tickets now. So this is it. This is your last chance.

[O]

Can't announce a tour without a visa.

[A]

That is true. That is true. We are exactly seven days away from an inauguration. That's your buddy.

[O]

I hope so. It's my birthday. Trump. Give me it.

[A]

That's it. Absolutely.

[O]

Give it to me. I'm white.

[D]

It's gonna go bad.

[O]

The perfect specimen. Come on. I've seen your family. You love me. Superior genetics.

[A]

I'm positive Trump will see this. I'm positive he will let you in.

[D]

He's gonna deport you.

[O]

I know, Ari.

[L]

I know.

[A]

I'm scared.

[C]

I bet he comes on here at

[A]

one point probably, huh?

[D]

He's scared.

[E]

He won't.

[C]

You think?

[D]

I think he's too frightened.

[A]

He's definitely not. First of all, he's had a couple appearances on the show. I don't know if you guys have noticed it. Some of the most viewed episodes in the show's history.

[C]

Well, you did his show at the Garden.

[A]

Yeah, I did his show at the Garden.

[C]

You did not get a booklet.

[E]

I did not give you a little book.

[A]

I did. It is true. It is true. Never heard of him and don't want

[E]

to hear of him.

[A]

That's what he said. That's what he said. Find me in a week in the front row of the inauguration. Anyway. Yeah, I'm positive. Trump would love you. He has a great sense of humor. Had his own roast 14 years ago, 15 years ago or so on Comedy Central. It was the biggest roast of all time at the time. And yeah, he's got a great sense of humor. He's one of the funniest people in the world. I don't know what he would think about your accent, though. That's.

[O]

Huh. Makes him worried maybe.

[E]

Probably horny.

[A]

Yeah, that's a wise observation.

[E]

Like those accents.

[A]

Yeah.

[O]

Sometimes I see like American guys here, they have. When they have the flag and they're like, proud, you know, they're like. When they hear my accent at a cafe or something, you can tell, they're like, what the is moving into my country now? Just another accent.

[E]

Do they do that in Estonia? What, like wear the flag and they're

[O]

like, yeah, no, not really.

[A]

There's no Estonian.

[O]

We don't have that genocide energy, you know?

[E]

What do you mean?

[A]

Yeah. What?

[O]

You guys killed everybody. You know, there was people here before you. You know that, right?

[E]

Yeah, you got. You guys participated in some wild moves.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

You forgot. I know history

[O]

about that.

[D]

I have not heard of both ways.

[E]

Nazis and Soviets. You little snake bucks.

[A]

We did.

[E]

I know all about your nasty little people. Yeah. Look at you.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Get it where you fit in.

[A]

Nasty.

[C]

Hey, we gave ours casinos.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Nice little parting gift.

[A]

You did nothing for the Jews.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Which reminds me, America's Sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight. What else is going on in the wild world of Ari Matty?

[O]

I went to Tulum for eight days. I just got back yesterday. Diarrhea I have now.

[C]

Yeah.

[O]

During the trip. During the trip, no diarrhea, street food, everything, Nothing. And then I got here, I went to the airport. That's where I got the diarrhea.

[C]

Welcome back.

[E]

Perfect place to have it.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's actually what airports are for. Yeah. What do you think caused the diarrhea? What did you eat?

[I]

I ate.

[O]

Well, burrito. I know I came from Mexico, but. But I just felt like one. Can't remember the spot though. I think it was called guacamole or some.

[A]

Ah, that.

[O]

That could have been the problem, huh? Cuz I've eaten chipotle. You've eaten chipotle? Never had diarrhea.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Well, that's American.

[O]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, we clean it up. Although it is a Mexican making it, but still,

[A]

huh?

[C]

Do you get. Get lucky over there in Mexico?

[O]

They do love me there. The brown women.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So how much you pay? A couple of pesos.

[O]

I've never had a hooker. I don't know. That's like an American thing, right?

[A]

Get a hooker.

[E]

That's not just a Estonian thing.

[C]

Europe and Mexico and.

[O]

Well, I went to a strip club here. The one that's supporting the show, too. That was a wonderful experience.

[A]

Were you at the Red Rose or the Yellow?

[O]

I was at the yellow one.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

And I've never been to a strip

[C]

club where it's like, there's an Asian one. Oh, sorry.

[A]

What were you saying about the Yellow Rose?

[O]

It was a very positive environment for the ladies, you know, because I've been to, like, Estonian strip club. It's not exactly like, you know, it's

[A]

all like, what do they do there?

[O]

Well, it's all women who don't have passports and they don't want to be there. You know, not exactly like a cool.

[A]

Oh, you know, they're slaves. Is that what you're saying? They're like prisoners?

[O]

Something like that, yeah.

[A]

Wow. If you look into their eyes, you get fucking hard.

[O]

But then again, our women don't burp on a microphone, so there's ups and downs to everything.

[A]

She performs at the Yellow. Gross. Amazing. Ari Matti, amazing. You did it. 3 minutes, 10 seconds. New material. Ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. What did Chris Rogers do over there? Oh, Ari Matty. Fuck, yeah. I think it's Ari Matty. Ari Matty. And blackface

[E]

Cam Matty,

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen. Did you guys have fun tonight? I don't know if I mentioned this, but Ari Shafir's brand new Netflix special, America, Sweetheart, out now on Netflix. Check it out.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

How about one more time for the great Mark Normand, everybody?

[C]

You

[A]

and. Come on, Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best to ever do the damn thing. Shane Gillis, everyone here, live in the flesh. Thank you. Shopify Prize picks, bluechoe and Zip Recruiter. We did it again. Love you guys. Have a great night, everybody. Thank you. It.