#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO

Summary

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Kill Tony #705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO

Date: Feb 11, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Jim Norton & Tony Caruso
Host Panel: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This high-energy episode of Kill Tony brings together legendary comic Jim Norton and returning stand-up Tony Caruso—making his first appearance on the show after a 20-year hiatus. The night features a blend of established voices and new comedic hopefuls, quick-witted panel riffing, and an ultra-rare live violin performance. Fans get the raw, improvised, and boundary-pushing Kill Tony experience, full of laughs, heartfelt moments, and a little chaos.

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Notable Panel Introductions

• Jim Norton:
  • Introduced as a multi-city Kill Tony veteran: “He's been on this show in LA, multiple times in Austin, in Las Vegas… One of the best comedians in the world.” (04:37)
  • Promotes new special: "Jim Norton Can't Save You is available everywhere." (04:40)
• Tony Caruso:
  • Returns after two decades offstage, referenced by Tony Hinchcliffe: "You took a 20 year hiatus when your wife passed away." (05:10)
  • Warm-welcome, with crowd enthusiasm despite most not knowing his backstory.

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Key Comedians & Highlights

Peter Angelo (08:32)

• Opens with self-deprecating, sexually candid material about being a “least gay looking gay man” and experiences as a former truck driver, now axe-throwing instructor.
• Notable exchange:
  • Tony: “Even your jobs are straight. I drive trucks and teach axe-throwing.”
  • Jim Norton: “And I take dicks in my butt. It doesn't make any sense.” (11:09)
• Discusses exploring sexuality, first gay experiences, and the awkwardness of family knowing.
• Wrestling persona: "I'm a gay trucker who hates straight people." Inspired ribbing from panel.

Quinn Pastura (20:04)

• Kentucky-to-Texas transplant, leans into Italian stereotypes.
• Constructive critique from Tony: "If it was an Italian dish...it would be marinara with no garlic, no onion... just mashed tomatoes." (22:12)
• Reveals he majored in cannabis history, dabbles in odd historical deep dives, and recounts growing up around “Kentucky trash.”
• Somewhat awkward energy (“Did you enjoy going there though?”) with panel riffing on his attempts to find common ground.

Assan Ahmad (29:31)

• Comedy scene insider, delivers timely Palestine/Israel ceasefire bit: “The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave...that does sound like a great day with the boys.” (29:45)
• Roast on past comic: “Coming up here, cleaning up after a bore of Kentucky.” (31:05)
• Discusses 12-year journey from Comedy Store door guy to Austin regular.
• Talks family, parents' short stature (“...I'm 5'6'' and I'm six inches taller than both of them. I'm the tall guy in my family.”) (35:38)

Jake Kennedy (36:52)

• Debut set, jokes about dwarfism, family, and being sent to “dwarf camp.”
• Reveals actual condition: "Spondyloepimetaphyseal dysplasia...I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth." (38:32)
• Violinist by trade—later returns to perform live, enchanting the room: "One of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show.” (105:03)

Frank DeMint (44:48)

• Retired doctor with speech impediment, references “Barbara Walters and Mike Tyson” as vocal influences.
• Panel riff:
  • Jim Norton: “Speaking of mom, you look like the mom from Goonies. That’s a great part.” (46:53)
  • Frank’s self-awareness wins the crowd: “You have age.” (48:54)
• Panel role-plays a doctor visit, sharing stories from past marriages and career as a small-town general practitioner.

Cam Patterson (57:59)

• Regular, “new minute every week” performer. Material on preferring dating unattractive women, introduced with: “That’s the only guy on earth that sound worse than me.” (57:59)
• Discusses taping Deion Sanders' new show, getting makeup done for TV: "Makeup felt gay. I ain't like that at all." (60:31)
• Engages in a comedic “handshake-off" with Jim Norton (63:45).

Ryan Jack (65:38)

• Uses deadpan delivery for material about therapy, addiction (kratom), and police bodycam video obsession.
• Openly discusses being bisexual and familial issues; therapist jokes prompt panel to poke fun at “running out of trauma.” (69:30)

Fiona Cauley (75:15)

• Golden ticket regular, delivers sharp set on using her wheelchair for “perfect height to [perform oral sex]”—"That’s not a joke, that’s a threat."
• Revealed engagement; describes proposal at Zany’s comedy club, Austin wedding plans, and love for barbecue mac-and-cheese.
• Great crowd rapport, banter about wedding logistics, her fiancé, and USB ports in her chair. (83:18)

Jack McWilliams (85:46)

• “Rapey-looking” self-aware giant (6'5") with safe word/phrase material.
• Works as a golf caddy, dating an HEB beauty dept manager. Wins laughs with tales of meeting through comedy, caddying accolades, and pot DUI mishaps.

Dagan Asaha aka Dejan (93:33)

• Seattle comic with "friendly local black guy" pressures in a gentrified neighborhood, and the complexities of being “allowed to laugh” at N-word usage.
• Panel teases him about his name, security jobs, casual dating, and preferences.
• Advises: "Introduce the idea of sex ASAP. That's what I absolutely..." (101:59)

William Montgomery (108:20)

• Finale: Hall-of-famer brings rapid-fire one-liners and update on his life—kicked his Call of Duty addiction, reading more, still monitoring his neighbors.
• Jim Norton praises: “We need you. You bring a lot to not only the show, but to the world.” (113:42)

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Notable Quotes & Crowd Moments

• Jim Norton (to Peter Angelo):
  “You look like a vampire that only bites people with aids.” (06:58)

• Jake Kennedy (on being a violinist):
  “I work on a pirate ship.” (42:05)
  Band’s reaction erupts in laughter and disbelief.

• Tony Hinchcliffe (on Frank DeMint’s delivery):
  “This is absolutely incredible. You’re such a likable guy. How do you make a living?” (47:06)
  Frank: “I’m retired, currently. I practiced medicine for 27 years.” (47:44)

• Fiona Cauley (on her engagement):
  “It’s nice. He doesn’t have to worry about, like, a runaway bride.” (77:55)

• William Montgomery
  "If you’re out there grinding for these camouflages on your weapons, it turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare. So if you’re one of these people, stop immediately." (109:35)

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Live Music Moment: The Violinist

[1:03:55]
Jake Kennedy returns, violin in hand, and astounds the crowd with a spirited classical tune—“perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show” (105:03), cementing his place in Kill Tony lore.

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Panel/Comedy Chemistry

• Jim Norton and Tony Caruso’s quick-fire banter brings a veteran sharpness and three-dimensional roast to the line-up.
• Redban keeps the clowning lively with sound effects and comic interludes.
• Tony Hinchcliffe deftly steers both chaos and sincerity, quickly parsing talent and coaxing the best out of each performer.
• Heidi (recurring panelist) drops roast lines and keeps the energy unpredictable.

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Standout Segments & Timestamps

• Opening Panel Announcements: 03:21
• Peter Angelo’s set & interview: 08:32–18:35
• Quinn Pastura's awkward interview: 20:04–29:02
• Assan Ahmad's Israel/Palestine joke: 29:31–35:46
• Jake Kennedy’s debut & violin later: 36:52 / returns 103:15–106:41
• Frank DeMint’s doctor role-play: 46:48–55:35
• Fiona Cauley’s engagement: 75:15–84:38
• William Montgomery’s return & video game caution: 108:20–113:11

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The Kill Tony Spirit

Throughout, the episode thrives on mixing vulnerability, uproarious roast, under-the-radar life stories, and raunchy improv. True to form, this one delivers classic Kill Tony: unpredictable, inclusive, and always pushing the envelope.

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For more episodes, tour info, and merch, visit tonyhinchcliffe.com & DeathSquad.TV.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Red Band]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, literally, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming standup dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, AKA Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets for sale now for my standup comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are@tony hinchcliff.com Right. Right now.

[Cam Patterson]

That's where we are.

[Red Band]

Hey, this is Red man coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yippee. Brian Redman. Hey, everybody. The best damn band in the land, everybody. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa on the horns, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the mutilating. Matt Muling on the electric guitar.

[Red Band]

John Dee's on the keys. And that is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, the energy in here feels great. Before we get started, here's a little

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

[Red Band]

This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Nicked Nicotine Pouches and Zip Recruiter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every single, single week, I have one or two or three of the best possible guests. I look at it like a chemistry set. I know all these people. I know who goes well together and how to mix it. Tonight's two guest panel is one of the greatest comedians of all time and also a guy who's returning back into the comedy business after a very long hiatus. So what a perfect panel. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the greats. Make some fucking noise.

[Red Band]

For Jim Norton and Tony Caruso. Oh, yeah. Jim Norton. Tony Caruso's first time on Kill Tony. Wow. Tony Caruso. Jim Norton, welcome. Jim Norton is back. The only comedian to be on both Madison Square Garden episodes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely crushing.

[Red Band]

One of our favorite guests of all time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Red Band]

He's been on this show in LA multiple times. In Austin, in Las Vegas, Jim Norton,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

one of the best comedians in the world.

[Red Band]

Jim Norton can't save you is available everywhere. It's a brand new show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And joining the panel for the very

[Red Band]

first time ever in the show's entire history, Tony Caruso, ladies and gentlemen. Now, Tony, Wow, they really love you. I don't know how it's.

[Dagan Asaha]

I don't know what that was.

[Jim Norton]

I don't know what that was. I never shot a gun in my life.

[Red Band]

It seems like you come out on

[Jim Norton]

a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, you have a giant. A giant approval from the audience, and many of them don't know anything about you. You are making your return into stand up comedy. You took a 20 year hiatus when your wife passed away.

[Jim Norton]

20 year hiatus. My wife died, RIP. I found out through text she had cancer or HPV or some. Whatever.

[Frank DeMint]

She.

[Jim Norton]

The bitch is dead. So I'm trying to get my life back on track. Good to see you, Red man. What do you brush your teeth with, Nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here.

[Peter Angelo]

But.

[Jim Norton]

But no, I'm a big fan of the show. And, you know, Kill Tony is a show to launch careers. It launched a lot of people. Is Hans Kim, you know, who, by the way, is. Who's about to start in the all Asian reboot of the Sandlot. Hans Kim is. He's gonna play squints. It's gonna be called the. The sand rot if you're an Asian guy. All right, I'm warming up here. But, Tony, if you're here, who's haunting the abandoned carnival down the street, huh? I'm warming up here. We're having a good time. You know, I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. I've been watching the show on YouTube. I've been watching on Facebook. I got Twitter. I got X. I got. I got something. I got something on my right now.

[Red Band]

Wow. Hit me.

[Jim Norton]

Hit me. Hit me one more time. Too hard. I got. I gotta. I got a pacemaker.

[Red Band]

Tony Caruso.

[Jim Norton]

I forgot what it was called.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he's been making his return in

[Red Band]

the standard how to get back into it.

[Jim Norton]

Trying to get back on the wagon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's been opening up for the great hall of fame. Kill Tony member Adam Ray all over

[Jim Norton]

the road doing some shows for him.

[Red Band]

So you can get tickets to see Tony Caruso @adam ray comedy.com. it is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been doing some work with Dr. Phil.

[Red Band]

I hear you're friends with Dr. Phil, friends with DP.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, yeah, friends with DP. Yeah, we call him DP. But, you know, DP's got several meanings, you know, double pen. A double penetration. I'm just warming up here. I'm just warming up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just warming up.

[Jim Norton]

But, Tony, it's good to see you. You look good.

[Red Band]

Thank you so much.

[Jim Norton]

You look like a vampire that only bites people with aids.

[Red Band]

Okay, okay. Come on, hit me.

[Jim Norton]

M. Little late. Little late.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I invite you to the show

[Red Band]

and this is how you treat me?

[Jim Norton]

I'm just trying to warm up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Jim Norton]

Doing the show, right?

[Heidi]

Warming up.

[Jim Norton]

Hey, look at that fact.

[Red Band]

Okay, well, I mean, she's.

[Jim Norton]

I watch your show. I watch your show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I watch your show. Big fan.

[Frank DeMint]

Big fan.

[Red Band]

Okay. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good Lord almighty. Oh, okay. So, Tony, you know how this show works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to be here. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up, and you.

[Red Band]

The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We find out more about them, and everything is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

[Red Band]

Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian performing tonight while we go wrangle your first bucket pool is a guy who's been

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on the show only one other time in Las Vegas, Nevada, at Skankfest. He was my favorite comedian on the episode. And I told him that when he arrives to Austin, Texas, for his first time that he gets an automatic spot on this show. This is that show. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian. 60 seconds, uninterrupted, for the second time

[Red Band]

ever appearance of Peter Angelo, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Red Band]

It's Peter Angelo.

[Peter Angelo]

What's going on, guys? What's going on? Who here likes rough sex? Who here likes rough sex with men? Just me. All right, cool. Yeah, I fuck a lot of dudes. It's weird. I get it. I look like this, but, like, I do. I enjoy rough sex. But the problem is I date guys who are, like, way smaller than me. And people think I date. I do that to throw them around like it's Cirque du Soleil. That's not the case. I want them to be the dominant one. Let them be in charge. But, like, for rough sex to be hot, there's gotta be that element of danger. I don't feel like I'm in danger. The average weight of the guys I sleep with is 150 pounds. I weigh 320. They can't even get their hands around my neck for me to feel like, they were in charge. I had to give them a weapon. And I'm not sucking dick at gunpoint again. It's a great family reunion. You think the natural solution is I be the dominant one? You know, I be in charge. But, like, I'm afraid I'm so much bigger, I'm gonna kill them. And now I'm like Gay Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Like, I didn't mean to kill the twink boy George. I just wanted to pet his butt. Thanks, guys. I'm Petrangelo.

[Red Band]

Petrangelo. Second ever time on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Famously the least gay looking gay man

[Red Band]

ever in the show's history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jim, you ever see anything like this before? I have.

[Heidi]

I've seen you before.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

And I enjoy you very much.

[Peter Angelo]

Oh, thank you.

[Heidi]

But you do seem more like a top. I'm not saying not disappointed. I'm just saying you seem like.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, everyone seems to be disappointed by it. I don't get like, oh, it's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, cool.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, but like, I was for a long time, and then, you know, I got bored. I was like, all right, let them do the work.

[Heidi]

But that material is like, people are gonna think you're gay.

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah.

[Peter Angelo]

It has been a drawback. Like, not many ladies coming around now. No.

[Jim Norton]

When. When you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on? Like, is it okay? Is it you go, all right, like, like, butt stuff. Yeah, you gotta.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, rip them right off.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Peter Angelo]

Pants off, sleeves off, gone.

[Jim Norton]

All right. That's all I got.

[Red Band]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Peter, remind us all, where do you live again?

[Peter Angelo]

I live in New York City right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you lived in New York?

[Peter Angelo]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for work?

[Peter Angelo]

I was a truck driver. Now it's comedy.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah.

[Peter Angelo]

Thank you, lady. But now I teach people to throw axes.

[Red Band]

Oh, wow.

[Peter Angelo]

I'm an ax throwing instructor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Straight jobs.

[Red Band]

Even your jobs are straight. I drop trucks and I teach people to throw axes.

[Jim Norton]

And I take dicks in my butt.

[Red Band]

Like, it doesn't make any sense.

[Jim Norton]

Great impression of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. It is.

[Heidi]

Throws the axes at vaginas.

[Peter Angelo]

Not another one. God damn it.

[Jim Norton]

Get away from me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Larry the Cable gay.

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah, get him done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you always been gay? How old were you when you knew you were gay?

[Peter Angelo]

I was a teenager. I would say teenager. And just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was there a moment? Is there something that happens? Are you, like, looking at a porno mag and you're like, me, just like, dick or something like that?

[Peter Angelo]

I think so, honestly, you know, the Internet was coming around. I just Started typing in gay and just wanted to check it out.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah.

[Peter Angelo]

I was like, maybe this is for me.

[Jim Norton]

What was the first thing you saw that you were like, oh, how do I get to do that? You know, it's a butthole.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

So it's what he saw, and he

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

wanted to do that.

[Peter Angelo]

Feminine man. And I was like, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, that.

[Peter Angelo]

And then moved on from there.

[Cam Patterson]

How do you.

[Jim Norton]

How do you. And then how you. Will you go to your parents? You go, hey, how do I get to More buttholes in my life?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did you.

[Peter Angelo]

My dad was like, become a trucker? Truck stops. There you go.

[Red Band]

When did you. When did your parents find out you were gay? How did they know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When do you think they caught on?

[Peter Angelo]

I'm not sure because, like, I would say not that I told them. They weren't positive. My brother knew right away because he kept taking my computer before I could erase the search history.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, and your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick because my account got hacked. What the. Is that black guy, that other black guy for?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And your brother let you know that he knows?

[Peter Angelo]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He didn't.

[Red Band]

Did he keep it a secret?

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, he did.

[Red Band]

He didn't.

[Peter Angelo]

He didn't care at all. He didn't bother.

[Heidi]

I like how vague you are with your searches too. Like, just gay. There's a. I'll look at it. I don't care. We'll figure it out.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

What should we have a Internet just started.

[Peter Angelo]

I don't know.

[Heidi]

Do you remember the first time you blew a guy?

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

Where was it?

[Red Band]

Yeah, tell us about it. Paint the picture for us.

[Jim Norton]

Stone cold.

[Peter Angelo]

Like, what a way to kick off the show. I was. It was. I was at my house. I invited someone over. I thought he was. I had an inkling he was also gay, and I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[Red Band]

What was the inquiring, by the way?

[Peter Angelo]

I don't know anyone who doesn't look like.

[Frank DeMint]

Like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't like.

[Red Band]

Right.

[Peter Angelo]

Most people, I think are gay. He's over your house, hoping it was like, oh, do you want to watch porn? Yeah, but I'm porn. And then. Yeah. Are you saying what, like a bunch of guys haven't watched porn with their friends and just tried to touch it once? Like, no, no.

[Jim Norton]

Just a gay guy thing.

[Red Band]

Yeah, that is.

[Jim Norton]

What the. Are you talking.

[Red Band]

Yeah, fuck that.

[Jim Norton]

I am not a gay guy.

[Peter Angelo]

I won't even look at a guy.

[Jim Norton]

It's all good. Hey, hey. Agree to disagree. Agree, disagree.

[Peter Angelo]

And then just like, oh, what is.

[Heidi]

You know, did you make a serious move on him or did you try joking your way into joking?

[Peter Angelo]

I think it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ryan Jack]

That's hard.

[Peter Angelo]

No, it was like. It was like, you know, hands are how you can't tell a difference in a guy's hand and a girl's hand.

[Heidi]

Like that kind of. You held his hand? No.

[Peter Angelo]

Stroking his cock.

[Heidi]

That's less gay than holding his hand.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I'm not that gay.

[Peter Angelo]

That's fag shit.

[Heidi]

Yeah, I'm starting.

[Jim Norton]

Both of those are T shirts. I'm not that gay if that's fact. A great T shirt. Now, when you touched it, was it. Are you still friends with a guy who you jerked? Is he gay too now?

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, that's kind of sweet.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah. Yeah, we're still friends. We reminisce about it.

[Jim Norton]

Do you really?

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, once in a while. We are still friends.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

It's great.

[Heidi]

What's he do for work?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good question.

[Peter Angelo]

Coding.

[Heidi]

Coding?

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, like data show coding.

[Red Band]

You with his comp.

[Jim Norton]

That was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's New York City treating you? Where did you live before Vegas?

[Peter Angelo]

No, Connecticut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Connecticut.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And you're in the middle of New York City now.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that like for you? How do you. What do you do there to have fun?

[Peter Angelo]

A lot of metal concerts go to raves sometimes. I'm training to be a pro wrestler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Heidi]

Profession for you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stone cold Steve Aidsey over here.

[Red Band]

What's your.

[Peter Angelo]

Hasn't kicked in yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your wrestling character?

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, it's a big doom.

[Jack McWilliams]

Ah.

[Red Band]

Wow. Yeah.

[Heidi]

Yeah, the.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, and I'm a gay trucker who hates straight people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so it's pretty.

[Peter Angelo]

Pretty much just me.

[Jim Norton]

Do we get to find out what you're transporting? That. You said you drive trucks, right? So what are you taking across state? Like, what are you taking from? Like, what if you drove a truck today?

[Peter Angelo]

Are we talking about character? What I actually did as a trucker.

[Jim Norton]

Can I finish my sentence for a second? Are you. So what for are you. You're a real truck driver?

[Peter Angelo]

I was.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. So you were. Yeah. So what were you driving in the truck? If you were taking a truck from like Austin to Dallas, what would be in the truck?

[Peter Angelo]

Steel pipe.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Jim Norton]

Was that the name of the guy you want? Suck it up. I'm warming up. I'm warming up.

[Heidi]

Did you mean to haul that or did you say put some pipe in the rear? And they went, okay. And then just.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, that's better.

[Peter Angelo]

They knew I could handle it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you could take a big load.

[Red Band]

Peter, what's something that we would be surprised to know about you? There's the fart noise for the episode out early tonight. Seven minutes in red band is red banning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before we let you go, something that would surprise us about you.

[Peter Angelo]

I recently just did comedy in China.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. We're talking about the female wrestler. Okay. Found the most manly woman you could. Have you ever been with a woman?

[Peter Angelo]

Long time ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And tell us about that. What was it like?

[Peter Angelo]

So it was a taste.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happens when a gay guy touches a vagina?

[Peter Angelo]

I mean, if you're a bitch, you're like, eh. But I'm like, whatever, let's try it.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Peter Angelo]

But, yeah, I met this, like, punk rock couple as a bisexual guy. This is great. Is my dad here? No. All right.

[Red Band]

No, he was. He left.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, it's fine.

[Red Band]

Like, I had no goddamn idea. Jesus Christ, Peter. And your brother kept it secret from me.

[Heidi]

No, he's on Grindr, too. He doesn't want to bump into him.

[Peter Angelo]

I met this. I met a guy at this party. He was bi. He invited me to, like, you know, hook up with him and his girl. So, you know, they started blowing me. I tried fucking her a little bit, and then he fucked her, and I just fucked him while he.

[Quinn Pastura]

Her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say.

[Jim Norton]

I'm going to need you to write that down. I'm sorry, but I was here then. I was here then. Somebody was inside somebody. What are you doing? A circle. What the was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you say you tried to her, I mean, there it is, right? It's warm, it's wet.

[Red Band]

It's a whole.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain, like, what happens. And you're just like.

[Peter Angelo]

For me, I was just. I was like, all right, I. That's enough.

[Fiona Cauley]

All right?

[Peter Angelo]

I want. I was like, all right, this. I want to. I want to him. That's why I showed up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Peter Angelo]

You know, so.

[Red Band]

Right.

[Heidi]

Did it feel good, though? Did it turn you on? Or were you like, ah, there's no in here, Right?

[Red Band]

Yeah, that's the part I don't get. That's exactly right. I don't get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because if it's warm and it's moist and it works, and there's like, you could. The dude's still there, right? So it's like.

[Peter Angelo]

I was just. I. I wanted to fuck the other person. I just wanted to give. That's what. I was there for it. And I just tried it. I was like, hey, this is fine. I'm going on to the asshole now.

[Heidi]

So the guy in the middle, you're Him. While he. His wife.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

Was he just going? Thank you. You're welcome.

[Red Band]

Thank you.

[Heidi]

You're welcome. Thank you.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Peter Angelo]

It was the weirdest seesaw ever.

[Heidi]

What's his name? Lucky devil.

[Red Band]

Taketh and giveth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Peter, you got. Tonight's episode started with a bang. Congratulations.

[Frank DeMint]

Thank you.

[Peter Angelo]

Thank you for having me.

[Red Band]

Are you in town Thursday?

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah, yeah, I'm here all month.

[Red Band]

Well, there you go. You're doing the secret show.

[Peter Angelo]

Oh, awesome. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. Enjoy the rest.

[Red Band]

Petra Angelo, his second time ever on the show, he was pulled out of the Bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada. And now our first bucket pool of the night. Wow. You know what that sound means? Heidi is here, everyone. The lovely Heidi. Absolutely incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she is.

[Red Band]

One more time for Heidi, everyone. All right. To the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. We're gonna meet them all together. This is where we've met all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Quinn Pastura, ladies and gentlemen. Quinn Pastura.

[Quinn Pastura]

That's way too tall for me. I know what a lot of you guys were thinking. You know? You heard of Al at the end of my name, you're like, he's Italian. And you're right, unfortunately, I know a lot of people know stereotypes about Italians, something like that. They always do something like that. And I was talking to a fellow the other day. He started doing Italian stereotypes. He started telling me. I was like, oh, what else do you know about Italians? Teach me about Italians, you wise man. He goes, well, you know, the first thing I know about Italians is they get really upset about things. And I started yelling at him. I got fucking pissed. I was like, hey, dude, you can't. We don't get upset about things. We get very passionate about things, okay? So cool your jets, dude. What else do you know about Italians? What the fuck else do you know about Italians? And he goes, oh, the other thing I know about Italians is that they're all really good cooks. And I felt like a jackass for inviting this guy to my dinner party. I swear to God, I was cooking for a racist.

[Jim Norton]

This was terrible.

[Quinn Pastura]

And this is the real kicker. He had to bend over about a foot. Cause I'm only five foot six. And he goes, the other thing I know about you little Italian bastards is you're all criminals. And I swear to God, I would have cooked this guy's ass if I wasn't a felon. Okay?

[Red Band]

Quinn Pasteura, ladies and gentlemen, He's Italian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's Italian.

[Red Band]

Hi, Quinn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you?

[Quinn Pastura]

I'm doing excellent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Quinn Pastura]

26.

[Red Band]

26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[Quinn Pastura]

Kentucky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And are you visiting here? You still live in Kentucky?

[Quinn Pastura]

I live here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Quinn Pastura]

Been here for six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you lived? Six months?

[Quinn Pastura]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for work?

[Quinn Pastura]

I work at a bar over on E6.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do at the bar?

[Quinn Pastura]

I am a lowly doorman. Check IDs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Very interesting. And how long have you been doing stand up?

[Quinn Pastura]

About a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A year and a half. And you've lived here for six months?

[Jack McWilliams]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think that's your best minute that you just did?

[Quinn Pastura]

I thought so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Heidi]

Well, it's hard, honestly. The business is overrun with Kentucky Italians.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah, yeah. So I'm Italian. I know for a fact Tony Caruso is Italian.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2 Tony. This is an episode of Kill Tony's. I found it all kind of if. Let's just say that if it was an Italian dish, it would be a marinara with no garlic, no onion, no seasoning, really. Just mashed tomatoes, if you will.

[Quinn Pastura]

I mean, I'm German, too, so that kind of fits, I guess. My German salad was coming out okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, I would have. I would have rather watched a set from Chef Boyardee. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Was that guy, by the way, you know, that guy who screamed out during your. He was like, oh, who was that guy?

[Quinn Pastura]

I couldn't even hear. I. I. Was there a real Italian in here somewhere?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was somebody that in immediately heckled you. There was a man in the audience that recognized.

[Heidi]

It is hard to believe we always

[Quinn Pastura]

have to be the audience. Our problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

So it's a little slow, I think.

[Ryan Jack]

A little slow.

[Heidi]

You're a little tentative. Next time, you might want to come out just a little bit more, get to a punchline a little fast.

[Assan Ahmad]

That's.

[Heidi]

That's all. It's a little quicker if you can.

[Quinn Pastura]

Okay.

[Heidi]

You meandered just a bit, but I understand you were getting to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's figure out more about you, Quinn, stuff you could talk about, because you're just talking about the most broad of all broad things, which is being Italian, which is hard for even an Italian to talk about because it's broad. Right. It's old.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We cook. Yeah. There's.

[Peter Angelo]

There's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's some crime. Right.

[Quinn Pastura]

Try not to get too niche.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Quinn Pastura]

I've been doing Slaughterhouse 5 jokes for the last week, but those haven't been hitting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that mean? What does that mean?

[Quinn Pastura]

It's a book that most of us read in junior of high school. But that's why I kind of had to stop doing it, because a lot of people I figured out didn't do it. I didn't do it either. I just read it last week.

[Jim Norton]

What's. What's the plot of this? The Slaughterhouse.

[Quinn Pastura]

So it's a crazy.

[Jim Norton]

I was just joking. I was just joking.

[Red Band]

So, Quinn, tell us something about your real life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what are you into?

[Red Band]

What are some hobbies, some passions of yours?

[Quinn Pastura]

I mean, just like every. Just like every other nerd. I like history. I'm very big into it. I was one of the first guys at my university to major in cannabis history. Surprise, surprise, he's a pothead. It's pretty sick. I did my whole research project on the Emerald Triangle and, like, the boom and bust cycle in it. I got to do some really cool interviews and explore up there. And then there's some, like, wacko taco bullshit that, like, you guys know about, like, the Carthaginians and stuff.

[Red Band]

The what?

[Quinn Pastura]

The Carthaginians. Oh, this is like a deep dive. We need to do a deep dive. You guys want to hear some?

[Jim Norton]

No, we're all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But, yeah, we did.

[Jim Norton]

But. You smoke weed? Yep.

[Quinn Pastura]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

How much. How much weed do you smoke a day? Like, and what do you do? Do you work while you're high or.

[Quinn Pastura]

Usually not.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, it's just kind of a nighttime thing or what?

[Quinn Pastura]

Yeah, typically.

[Jim Norton]

Have you had a really bad trip on pot? Like, any fun stories there?

[Quinn Pastura]

Oh, yeah, there's one show around here. It's called Can I. Can I tag another show? Am I allowed to do that?

[Heidi]

Well, I don't know.

[Red Band]

Come on, say something funny before you start promoting things. I get two fucking high shout outs

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to all my projects.

[Quinn Pastura]

Oh, no, I was just saying I got too high there all the time because you make it too high. And every time I do it, just like now I'm like, should I move to Austin? Am I freaking out? That's my favorite thing about pot. I could smoke it, you know, I used to hook it all the time. I could tell myself I'm not an addict. I was an addict. It was unfortunate.

[Heidi]

Talk to me about the Carthaginians. I want to know what the Carthaginians are and if we have disagreeable theories on them.

[Quinn Pastura]

Okay, so I think they were all

[Heidi]

fat homosexual truckers that actually.

[Quinn Pastura]

No, that. That checks out. They did travel the world. They did do Trade. They came to North America? I think. So what's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the trashiest thing you ever saw in all your years in Kentucky?

[Quinn Pastura]

The trashiest thing I've ever seen in all my years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were in Kentucky. You know what it is?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it? Anything? Yes.

[Quinn Pastura]

I don't know. There's a lot. I live next to a Greyhound station, so there's like a constant amount of cars going down and out of there. That was pretty tough. So my dad's car go in there once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You saw your dad's car go into where?

[Quinn Pastura]

The Greyhound station.

[Heidi]

There's a. Buses or dogs.

[Red Band]

Well, there was a guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head. This interview is so rough. Guy just fucking. This is rough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Quinn, did someone in Kentucky tell you that you're funny and that you should move?

[Quinn Pastura]

That's the scariest part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. What? What's the answer?

[Quinn Pastura]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one did. This was your own.

[Quinn Pastura]

Oh, no. People did tell me I was funny. But okay, again, it's Kentucky, and so we don't have good education there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Red Band]

Right.

[Jim Norton]

Do you. Do you recognize that song?

[Quinn Pastura]

I do, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your parents white trash? They Kentucky trash?

[Quinn Pastura]

No. They're pretty cool.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do they do for work?

[Quinn Pastura]

My dad, he. It does accounting for a pressure washing firm. So that actually is pretty tra. Yeah, Pretty trash.

[Red Band]

Pressure washing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got his hands full of water

[Quinn Pastura]

and then my mom. Oh, God. She does it for a waste management company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So that's pressure washing and waste management.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Quinn Pastura]

This was a waste.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you are a door guy on 6th Street.

[Heidi]

I am.

[Quinn Pastura]

Did you enjoy going there, though? You were there like two weeks ago.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, you got a stalker, Tony. You got a stalker.

[Red Band]

Where was I? Here we go. This is what people do when their interviews suck. You walked by me. No, no, no, no.

[Quinn Pastura]

I wasn't there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wasn't there. I don't. I have no. Well, what?

[Frank DeMint]

I don't know.

[Quinn Pastura]

Maybe you remembered spots that you go. I don't.

[Jim Norton]

Did you?

[Red Band]

Maybe I do. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the name of the place at the Liberty. I wasn't at the Liberty. You're saying I walked by the Liberty?

[Quinn Pastura]

No, no, I. I. Like, I was doing sound and doing a show over at narar, but this

[Jim Norton]

is like a weird Craigless misconnection. Yeah, you were walking by the Liberty.

[Red Band]

I was jerking off onto a, like the craziest tradition. When people really, really bomb as hard as they can, they go, I saw you once on the sidewalk you remember?

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Dude, how would that. How would that stand out? Did somebody tell you I was inside of the bar that you work at?

[Quinn Pastura]

Yeah, it was you and Ari. They said they literally, like, named you. They're like, hey, they were here last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari Shafir.

[Quinn Pastura]

Yeah, there's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a 00% chance that that happened.

[Red Band]

The Liberty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Red Band]

Okay, we got it.

[Quinn Pastura]

I mean, I didn't see you. I was just told, so I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're just trying to start a little conversation here.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jim Norton]

And we also landed on the.

[Quinn Pastura]

Obviously, nothing else is working out.

[Red Band]

Unbelievable. One of the dumbest things someone can do is just reference.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You remember. Remember a couple weeks ago, you weren't even there.

[Quinn Pastura]

I know.

[Heidi]

What kind of bar is the Liberty?

[Quinn Pastura]

It's like a little die bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Quinn Pastura]

Yeah, it's pretty sick.

[Assan Ahmad]

All right.

[Quinn Pastura]

Yeah, it's a good time.

[Peter Angelo]

What's.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

I ask one question before he leaves. What's the. What's like the. The biggest thing in Kentucky. You go to Kentucky, it say, tony goes back to Kentucky. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's nothing.

[Jim Norton]

There's nothing.

[Red Band]

There's. And I. I have to go across

[Quinn Pastura]

the river to Cincinnati for there to be something, and there's hardly anything there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Here's a little joke book. You're going to catch it. There you go.

[Red Band]

Quinn Pastura. For the love of God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Red Band]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is very, very exciting. I pulled the name out of the bucket of a young man who works here all the time. This is very special.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no idea if he's even

[Red Band]

ever seen signed up before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I think maybe he's been on this show in la. It's been a long time. Either way you slice it. Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known

[Red Band]

this is a new minute from Assan Ahmad. Everybody. Make some noise for Assan. Everybody.

[Assan Ahmad]

So Israel and Palestine just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them. The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which take the context of everything that happened outside of it away. That does sound like a great day with the boys. You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in a cave. Just.

[Cam Patterson]

Abdul.

[Assan Ahmad]

Get the paragliders just like it.

[Jim Norton]

Holy Abdul.

[Cam Patterson]

It's working.

[Red Band]

It's working.

[Assan Ahmad]

Just two flags on your paraguide or one Palestinian that says Saturdays are for the boys. You know, just committing a terrorist attack to a rave, to techno. Just dig it. Dig it. That. That was Sandstorm by Darud, in case you missed it.

[Red Band]

I don't Know, I've been Asanamad Hasan Ahmad. Oh, my God. Wow. Coming up here, cleaning up after a bore of Kentucky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Assan Ahmad]

You know what's funny? He was talking about the Liberty and I was like, tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shafir the night of the picture.

[Red Band]

Wait, no, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. You're being funny. That was not it.

[Jim Norton]

That was one of.

[Red Band]

That was the White horse.

[Assan Ahmad]

The picture was that one.

[Red Band]

Liberty's west. We went east.

[Assan Ahmad]

Okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought Liberty's east.

[Red Band]

Oh, okay. Maybe we were. We were on a bar crawl. That's what Ari wanted to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which one was the Liberty?

[Red Band]

I have no idea, but I know that's what the Liberty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real quick.

[Red Band]

There's no way isn't the Liberty west. It's east. I was there. The poor guy. I'm like you. You're not funny. Get the out of here. Oh, it's Stephanie's. Just blatantly east. Same street, but that way. It is literally just five minutes. Just due east on six side of the road. My location is still there. I'm still at the Liberty. There's a blue dot. Holy. The poor guy. The poor guy. Well, now he's going to be a hero. Quinn. Just hear the Internet. Quinn, your comedy sucked. But dude, you got Tony good

[Jim Norton]

geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony H. Cliff.

[Red Band]

Ari Shafir absolutely insisted that to celebrate

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

his special tape, a special release on Netflix, he wanted to go east and do a shot and a drink at every single. Do I talk about this last week?

[Frank DeMint]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And God, we had. We. Yeah, that was one of those nights.

[Assan Ahmad]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hassan, you were along with us and we had a blast.

[Assan Ahmad]

Yeah, he was right. Yeah, he was right.

[Red Band]

It ended up working out.

[Heidi]

You're so funny, man. That making that stuff funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That, that attack.

[Heidi]

That is great. Really. It's so odd. I love the angle you took. To hear a Jew say that.

[Jim Norton]

Is going to be my. My new catchphrase. We go havesies on it.

[Assan Ahmad]

You can have it. It's yours. You're a legend.

[Frank DeMint]

All right.

[Jim Norton]

You guys heard it. It was really funny. Yeah, you're very sharp. You're very quick. I like the pace. Yeah, it's great.

[Assan Ahmad]

Thank you.

[Jack McWilliams]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Assan. Always killing it. Always part of the actual scene here. I mean, the equivalent to like a high level Comedy store paid regular. You are the equivalent to here. One of the first people from LA to move here with your homie and podcast co host Derek Poston, who we all love.

[Red Band]

You've actually been the one man panel

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on an episode in 2022.

[Assan Ahmad]

I've been on the panel three times, but I had this Israel Palestine joke and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it. I'll sign up for Kill Tony.

[Red Band]

Love happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it when my buddies sign up for the show and are lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket. Happened with Matt Edgar a few weeks ago. And now you. What else is going on in life, Hassan? What have you been learning? You're kind of like a. How long you been doing this?

[Assan Ahmad]

Oh, 12 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 years. And that's at a Comedy store level. You are a former Comedy store door guy.

[Assan Ahmad]

Oh, yeah. I watch. I watched this. I watched it. I started working when this show was in the Belly room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y.

[Assan Ahmad]

The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing. So I was like, when I get up here, just start the joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You only have a minute.

[Assan Ahmad]

Why waste the time?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. You are absolutely correct.

[Jim Norton]

How does your hair go like that? Come on. We're all thinking it. Well, you're fun, you're funny, you're funny. But like, what the.

[Assan Ahmad]

The grace of Allah?

[Jim Norton]

I ain't that phrase too.

[Red Band]

You got a little Gaza Strip right down the middle there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is unbelievable.

[Jim Norton]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Reminds me of the bar, the Liberty. It's. I love it. Son, what else is going on? Tell us something else crazy about your life before. Before we get you out of here.

[Assan Ahmad]

I. Huh?

[Quinn Pastura]

Something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I've taken you to your homeland, San Jose, right?

[Red Band]

Well, yeah, not his homeland.

[Assan Ahmad]

Sand Jose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, I like that. And I've met your adorable parents. Your tiny, tiny, absolutely adorable, little, super tiny parents. I mean, they are just the cutest

[Red Band]

things you've ever seen.

[Assan Ahmad]

I do have the most adorable, adorable parents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They really are. You're like a giant compared to them.

[Assan Ahmad]

Yeah, I'm. I am five six. And I'm six inches taller than both of them. Yeah, I'm the tall guy in my family. It's crazy.

[Heidi]

They bring you home free chocolate after work every day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They are very, very short, yet somehow they are both 711 and 911

[Red Band]

is incredible. For those of you that don't know, Hasan is the new head of the FBI. I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to that.

[Assan Ahmad]

Watch out, Mexicans.

[Frank DeMint]

I'm coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Red Band]

That's right. It's gonna sneak right up on you people. He's brown too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What can brown do for you? Okay, Hassan. So much fun. Great. Stuff, as always. I'll see you tomorrow. We'll do it again.

[Red Band]

We do stand up together all the time. One of the best. One of the best comedians around. Killing it. Growing. Thriving. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake Kennedy. Time for Jake Kennedy. Make some noise for Jake, everybody.

[Jake Kennedy]

I come from your typical, normal sized family. You know, my sister's six foot, my mom's six foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me. Really stunted my growth growing up. Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special. I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp. Said, mom, I already get bullied, you know, so, nevertheless, I went and. It's exactly what you guys are thinking. They gather all the little people from all the little villages, they put them in a ring and we fight to the death. You know, it's a cruel world. My girlfriend just dumped me. I was talking to a buddy about it and just telling him how, you know, I was coming in between her career goals, you know, and he just looked at me and said, dude, that bitch works at Applebee's. Nevertheless, don't call her a. She doesn't like that. That's my time, okay?

[Red Band]

Hell, yeah. Jake Kennedy, welcome to the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your first time on, right?

[Jake Kennedy]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Welcome. Jim Norton. What do you.

[Heidi]

I just. I'm. Your son. Was just out here. You were really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are adorable. I can't tell whether you're a little person or a huge. What is the actual deal?

[Jake Kennedy]

I know, I know you like to gu. What do you think I have?

[Red Band]

That sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ism.

[Jake Kennedy]

Down syndrome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it?

[Jake Kennedy]

I have dwarfism or herpes? It's dwarf.

[Heidi]

You can have both.

[Jake Kennedy]

Who you been talking to? No, I have a disease called spondylo epi. Metaphysical dysplasia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Tell us what that is exactly in

[Jake Kennedy]

a bunch of words. It's like, I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Jake Kennedy]

So I actually.

[Jim Norton]

What the, Red man?

[Peter Angelo]

What the.

[Jim Norton]

Literally, the worst sound effect you could have played right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's party time.

[Red Band]

Spiked Bones.

[Jim Norton]

That is a great band name.

[Red Band]

All right, all right, Right.

[Heidi]

Is that really what you have?

[Jake Kennedy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Heidi]

Or is there, like, a really short mailman that your father hates?

[Jake Kennedy]

I don't ask questions.

[Jim Norton]

How. How tall are you? Like, 5?

[Jake Kennedy]

5 2?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

5 2, 5, 2. What do you do for a living?

[Red Band]

We've had a guy that loves hanging

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

out in chocolate factories. Peter Angelo was On earlier. That's an joke, by the way, because he's a fat gay guy. All right, back to you.

[Jim Norton]

You're dressed like a baby swim coach.

[Red Band]

It is adorable.

[Jim Norton]

That's a tough gig to get. So that's not an insult.

[Red Band]

Very tiny. Very tiny Soprano. Yeah, tiny soprano forever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

21 inches.

[Red Band]

I love this get up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're.

[Red Band]

You're absolutely a cutie pie. This is how people like dress. Teddy bears and up to your chest King.

[Jake Kennedy]

This is the most compliments I've ever gotten. So I want to thank you guys.

[Quinn Pastura]

You take.

[Jim Norton]

You're taking it in stride. That's a compliment. Now what. What do you. What do you. So what did you. What do you ask?

[Red Band]

I asked the question. This guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ever since you started working with that Dr. Phil character, you have this new

[Red Band]

hosty thing that you try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what do you. What do you.

[Jim Norton]

What do you. What do you.

[Red Band]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're watching you think about the question.

[Red Band]

Question.

[Jim Norton]

All right. All right, I'll pick him up.

[Red Band]

No. Oh, he's got spiked bones. Be careful. Wait a second. Oh my God. Oh my God. I bet you he's heavy. I could tell by the look. I can tell by the look on Tony Caruso's face. This motherfucker's heavier than he thought he'd be. That's a dead weight.

[Jim Norton]

I think I got spooked.

[Cam Patterson]

Spike bones.

[Jim Norton]

I fucked that up. Edit it out, Yoni.

[Red Band]

Two Tonys and a spike boney. This is a party in here tonight. Jake Kennedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing?

[Red Band]

Stand up.

[Jake Kennedy]

This is my first time ever, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that.

[Red Band]

That's a good first time. The goat of the first time. How old are you?

[Jake Kennedy]

25.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

25 years old.

[Red Band]

Absolutely adorable. The 25 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess the math works.

[Red Band]

He has the body of a 12

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

year old in the face of a 4. A 40 year old. This is incredible. You just gotta do the math.

[Red Band]

Divide it by two, figure it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, Jake Kennedy?

[Jake Kennedy]

I'm a violinist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a professional violinist? Do you play?

[Jake Kennedy]

Yeah. No, no.

[Red Band]

He can't reach the notes up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That left hand.

[Red Band]

He needs a tiny little cello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the tiniest? Even a harmonica is a two handed adventure for you. I cannot picture you. You professionally play the violin for a living. Where can people see you?

[Jake Kennedy]

I work on a pirate ship.

[Red Band]

Hold on.

[Jim Norton]

Holy.

[Red Band]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm just gonna say that you do it.

[Quinn Pastura]

You do it.

[Jim Norton]

We'll be right back. And now I'm mean, you're like the movie Jack, you know, have you seen the movie Jack?

[Quinn Pastura]

No.

[Jim Norton]

All right, edit this out, Yoni.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So when did you start playing the violin?

[Jake Kennedy]

When I was 10.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And look at you now. You make a good living doing that.

[Jake Kennedy]

I can sustain myself, kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jake Kennedy]

You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's this. How far is your violin from here?

[Jake Kennedy]

Right now it's at my house in. I'm on East 10th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, in which.

[Jim Norton]

Well.

[Red Band]

Jesus Christ.

[Jim Norton]

Keep it in, Yoni. Keep it in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How far away? How many minutes away is it like?

[Jake Kennedy]

I have an electric bike, so, like, 10 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you hop on your electric bike,

[Red Band]

go grab your violin, and then we'll close out the episode with a little song from Jake Kennedy. Is that okay? Here, take this on your way. There you go.

[Frank DeMint]

Don't.

[Red Band]

Don't let it crush you, Jake Kennedy. Hey, you know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what?

[Red Band]

It's only fitting. Jesus Christ, Tony, sit the down. It's only fitting you get a little joke book, too. Jake Kennedy has arrived. He will be back in a little bit. A very little, tiny bit. Oh, my goodness. Jake Kennedy. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How adorable is Jake Kennedy.

[Red Band]

I cannot wait to see him play a tiny little violin later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was this gonna be?

[Red Band]

That's like, a thing, though. He probably plays the world's smallest violin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's like a figure of speech.

[Red Band]

We're gonna do it tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's gonna take his little tiny electric

[Red Band]

scooter, and everyone in the city is gonna be like, look at that happy little guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's he so happy about? He's out there like a little rubber ducky, and he's gonna be smiling ear to ear, hopefully makes it back okay all in one piece.

[Red Band]

He's out there riding around on these

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

streets with spiked bones, taking a chance. He's just out there like a little fucking absolutely adorable thing.

[Red Band]

All right, let's get back to this bucket, and then we'll get a regular up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it.

[Red Band]

We're meeting them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted for four. Frank DeMint. Frank DeMint had some fun bucket pulls tonight.

[Peter Angelo]

Hi, y'.

[Red Band]

All.

[Frank DeMint]

My name's Frank DeMint. I realize I sound like the love child of Barbara Waters and Mike Tyson. Something between the Bishop on Princess Bride and Berry Cryptia, Big Bang Theory, and maybe a little bit of Elmer Fuddy. Where's that rascally rabbit? My mother, she didn't help me out much. She named my brother Nick. I can pronounce Nick. She names me Frank, but it could have been worse. It could have been Francis or Francisco. Or worse of all, Roy. How about if my last name had been O'? Wally? Roy O'Reilly and his brother Corey? What a disaster that would have been. Who is the asshole that put the ass in Lisp? I think it was Shakespeare. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Motherfucker. And who's the asshole over at Apple that came up with Siri, Huh? There's some pothead computer geek thinking of a guy like me saying, siri, where is Wiley White, the real white? Siri, where is your British rumble room and rotisserie? Siri? We're with Sally Seashell. She shack, Motherfucker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Motherfucker.

[Red Band]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna cut you off before that bear interrupts you. Frank DeMint has arrived. To the kill Tony universe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Red Band]

Oh, my God. Where do I even begin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is absolutely incredible. You keep the last comedian in that little pocket on the front of your shirt.

[Red Band]

Our comedy duo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Frank, I have about 2 million questions

[Red Band]

for you right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just get it going. First I want to check and see Jim Norton. What do you think?

[Heidi]

I, I, I, I have loved you ever since you threw Mama from the train.

[Red Band]

Thank you. That's a reference.

[Frank DeMint]

I love the deserved it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Speaking of mama, you look like the mom from the Goonies. Yeah, that's a compliment. That's a great part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is incredible. You look like such a character. You're built for comedy. How long you been doing it?

[Frank DeMint]

Going on six years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where at? Where exactly? What?

[Red Band]

New Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio. Holy.

[Jim Norton]

Did you ever walk by a bar and see Tony Inchcliffe?

[Red Band]

Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So Columbus, Ohio. You still live there?

[Frank DeMint]

I actually live in Kingston, Ohio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Frank DeMint]

Which is about an hour south of Columbus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kingston. Yeah.

[Frank DeMint]

Neil Chillicothe. I know you're from Youngstown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love your delivery system. This is absolutely incredible. You're such a likable guy. How do you make a living?

[Frank DeMint]

I'm retired, currently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you retired?

[Frank DeMint]

I practiced medicine for 27 years.

[Red Band]

You were a doctor?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I was.

[Red Band]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Wait, can you imagine?

[Jim Norton]

All right, here's the scene.

[Red Band]

All right, It's. I just got. My whole system just got overloaded. I'm so glad you're here right now.

[Jim Norton]

I love you, Tony. Here we go.

[Red Band]

All right, hold on now.

[Jim Norton]

Were the patients. You gotta tell us that we both got aids. Okay. Yeah, Red van, hit me with some hospital music.

[Red Band]

There's no real hospital music. Okay, here we go. All right. Very good. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Hello, Doctor. Yes, we've been waiting for your arrival.

[Jim Norton]

It's been a long wait.

[Red Band]

By the way, me and my husband.

[Frank DeMint]

I know, it sucks.

[Red Band]

Oh God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gee, this is not good.

[Jim Norton]

This is not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

You're a doctor. Are you the only doctor?

[Frank DeMint]

I'm it.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

You're. Oh my God.

[Jim Norton]

What do we have?

[Frank DeMint]

You have age.

[Red Band]

Oh. Oh my God. This is wiwi. Woo. Bad news.

[Dagan Asaha]

Oh

[Red Band]

my good.

[Jim Norton]

Can you say that's all folks for me?

[Frank DeMint]

Oh, folks for you. What?

[Jim Norton]

Can you. Never mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Frank DeMint]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

Looney Tunes reference.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So Frank, you were like a general doctor?

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah. Family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were Dr. Frank Dement?

[Frank DeMint]

That's correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. That is incredible. Did you always have your hair like that and facial hair? This is more of a retired look.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you ever married? You ever have kids?

[Frank DeMint]

Married twice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Married twice.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Frank DeMint]

No kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No kids. Why do you think that is? How do you think you ended up being so lucky to not have kids?

[Frank DeMint]

I don't know. Hopefully I'm in photo. That's. Yeah, that's the hope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A guy like you, I would totally have expected you to spread your seed.

[Frank DeMint]

Spread my seed.

[Red Band]

I love how you roll with everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a great sense of humor. So six years you've been doing it. Based out of Columbus, Ohio. So you've been on the funny bone.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And other places.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun? What does a retired doctor do for fun?

[Frank DeMint]

Actually just the comedy is most.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you this. You had two wives. How did the first one end? You cheat on her?

[Frank DeMint]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what happened?

[Frank DeMint]

Well, it was one of those things. She was a high school dropout and I was a college dropout and I grew and she didn't.

[Heidi]

How are you a doctor and a college dropout?

[Frank DeMint]

Well, at the time. I'm not you at the time. Then I went to college. I went to the army and then I went to college.

[Heidi]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck did you do in the army?

[Frank DeMint]

I was a medical lab tech.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah, absolutely.

[Frank DeMint]

They asked me to go go into linguistics. But I said well, I'm not this language up bad enough you need me to fuck up another one.

[Red Band]

Always kind of had a speech impediment all my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you think that comes from? How does that happen? Have you heard that were former doctor? What do you think? How does that even happen?

[Frank DeMint]

I have no idea. I don't know of any trauma, but I understand my father sounded like this, but he grew out of it and I didn't.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Heidi]

His father hit him and your dad didn't want to do that to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How Old are you, Frank?

[Frank DeMint]

66.

[Red Band]

What a terrible age for a guy with your speech.

[Jim Norton]

Literally the worst year.

[Red Band]

And six to six. And in six days I turned 77.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ Almighty.

[Red Band]

That thing is aggressive.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, just lie about your age next time. You're 42, way over 50. What is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or like they ask you a question, do you ever get in your head, you go, I don't want to say that. You seem like a pretty confident, fearless guy, which I dig, but.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah, well, there's sort of three words, but people don't understand. Full willed and whale.

[Red Band]

I have no idea what's going on right now. This.

[Jim Norton]

I think you just put a curse on me. What the did you just say? You say whale forward and whale.

[Frank DeMint]

Whale.

[Jim Norton]

Whale.

[Frank DeMint]

And the problem is I like my steak medium. Whale.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Frank DeMint]

Oh, yeah.

[Red Band]

God. Oh, my gosh.

[Jim Norton]

You know, if I were the waiter, I think you would say you. I. I heard you say you like your steak medium.

[Red Band]

Whale.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah, that's what they usually say. You want that well done? I said, no, I don't want you leather. I want it wet in the middle. But that didn't help much either, did it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have like a long tongue or something like that? I'm trying to figure this out.

[Frank DeMint]

I don't know. I started eating at the age of 13, though.

[Red Band]

Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely.

[Frank DeMint]

And I think my tongue became a little muscle bound.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Red Band]

And did people tell you you were good at it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did the ladies?

[Frank DeMint]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Heidi]

Okay, you can lick it. Just don't say it.

[Red Band]

Wow. Wow, great.

[Jim Norton]

I'm taking that catchphrase.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. So the second marriage, how did that end?

[Frank DeMint]

I keyed it on her.

[Red Band]

Oh, my God. Can you look at that? There's a women's faces just like, how the is that possible?

[Jim Norton]

Wait, please tell me you sat her down and you go, so look, you're about to experience a little bit of trauma. I've been eating another.

[Red Band]

The go is always guino.

[Heidi]

I've been my speech therapist.

[Jim Norton]

Do you have, like, extra teeth or like, is it like. What's. What's the. It's the tongue thing. So your dad grew out of it? How did he grow out of it?

[Frank DeMint]

I don't know. Most people grow out at least.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So do you think a lot of your patients back in the day always got a second opinion?

[Red Band]

Like, it seems very risky putting their lives in your hands.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just being like your blood was

[Red Band]

all just not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we need to stop treatment. I mean, it's like, incredible. You went. It's amazing the life that you had. So you saved enough money from being a doctor. For how long were you a doctor?

[Frank DeMint]

27 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

27 years.

[Jim Norton]

Thank you for your service.

[Red Band]

And you saved enough money to be

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

able to just live your dreams and do whatever you want in comedy, basically.

[Frank DeMint]

More or less.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You own a house. Yes. And you have a car.

[Frank DeMint]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of car do you have?

[Frank DeMint]

I have a Hyundai Ioniq. Yeah. I'm a cheap bastard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. What's the nicest thing you've ever bought for yourself since you.

[Frank DeMint]

I had a Mercedes once.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ended up happening with that?

[Frank DeMint]

I. I had some economical situations. I had to sell it.

[Red Band]

Right.

[Heidi]

And would that be the divorce?

[Frank DeMint]

And I'm glad. I'm glad. I mean, it was a pain in the butt. It was always expensive to do upkeep on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, yes. Parts on Mercedes are expensive.

[Heidi]

Did you get killed in the divorce? Did you get killed in the divorces?

[Red Band]

No.

[Heidi]

Financially?

[Frank DeMint]

Well, the first one. Second one. I have a prenup.

[Red Band]

Better. Yeah, man. You learn that prenup is critical. Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I. I'm serious. I. I would love if you would step in. I don't know what you charge, what your rates are. Is it a co Pay? But can I just text you? It's a lot of things of, like, can you. Like, is this. Is this bad? Like, there'll be a spot on my. And I'll be like, hey, is this.

[Frank DeMint]

Anytime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I think we should do? I think you guys should go behind that curtain. I think you should check your process right now.

[Red Band]

How does that sound? To. Look at that. Look at that finger. Do that again.

[Frank DeMint]

Look at that.

[Jim Norton]

Right? All right.

[Red Band]

Oh, my God. All right, well, I don't know. Yeah, get back there. And then, Tony, if you want to stick your face out of the curtain while he does it, you could feel free to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony. Oh, yeah. They might be making love by this point. I don't know what's happening. This may have been a crazy idea.

[Red Band]

Oh, there it is. Okay, here we go.

[Jim Norton]

Whenever you're ready.

[Red Band]

Tony says whenever you're ready.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see.

[Red Band]

I think we're probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Well, okay.

[Red Band]

Come back out, Frank. Okay. He's so adorable. He almost stayed back there.

[Jim Norton]

I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger in my butt. I wish I was joking. I thought that was a bit. But he actually put a finger in between my legs. Nobody could see him yet. He's still committed to the bit. Give it up for this guy. That was.

[Red Band]

Wow. Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Jim Norton]

I'm gonna need a new pair of pants and a new doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Frank, you are a little angel. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. You are absolutely going to be loved by the people. When you came out, I thought, this guy looks silly as hell. We're gonna have a lot of fun talking to him. But the comedy is probably not gonna be there. And boy, you absolutely crushed the room. I loved it.

[Red Band]

You are as funny as you look. You are as funny as you sound. I. You make fun of yourself and laugh at the jokes. Welcome, welcome. Come back. Sign up again. All different shapes and sizes of people here. Absolutely anything can happen. We pull names out of a bucket and that is where we find all of our regulars. We're out here changing lives, giving people an opportunity. Like your next comedian, who is one of the top regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, this is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

That's the only guy on earth that sound worse than me. That. That talked it terrible. That was horrible, dog. And I just said. And I just said talked it. So that's how I feel about it. I got a new girlfriend now. That was the dumbest shit I ever did in my life. Don't woo for that. Pretty stupid. I got my girlfriend. She pretty. That's a problem. I hate that. I only dated ugly girls by design before. Cause I like ugly women. Cause you can mold a ugly bitch, whoever you want them to be. Where they gonna leave you. Where you gonna go, Doo doo? You stalk me forever. We locking in for life, you ugly whore. I love you, though. You feel me? Cause a bad bitch, she know her worth. Ugly bitch not gonna go nowhere. I had an ugly bitch one time. I miss her so much. We had. I miss her a lot, dawg. I remember we was all eating food with my homeboy and shit, with all their girlfriends and shit like that. And I had me a little real dude. But the best thing about it is all my homeboys girlfriends got their food before we did, right? And they started eating. But my ugly bitch ain't eat. She waited till I got my food. And then my homeboy was like, nigga, she well trained. And I was like, yeah. And then I found out that her boyfriend used to beat her. Thank that man. That's her. That's a good guy. I appreciate him for that. Now listen, some of y' all didn't clap or laugh at that you look very sad about that, ma'. Am. Understand something. I'm not saying I would have hit her, but I'm thankful that somebody did, right?

[Red Band]

And

[Cam Patterson]

that's my time.

[Red Band]

Fuck yeah. Bing, bang, boom. Cam Patterson. Another new minute and a half.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Yeah, I love it. The full fucking thing. You've done it again. Not easy to do a new minute every single week.

[Cam Patterson]

Is it tough?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is. I hear all the time about, you know, we just. We're doing stand up all the other nights of the week and you hear like, oh, I was just a da da, da. Cam had a great set. Cam was here, Cam was there. Ari's here, Ari's there. Everybody's working hard. Yeah. Always writing. It's incredible what we're doing here. And to see you do it, it's insane, right?

[Jim Norton]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's things been going?

[Cam Patterson]

It's been good, man. I've been pretty cool, man. Been dope. I just did Deion Sanders show on Tubi. My dad really excited about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Hell yeah. Prime time.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Hell yeah. How was he?

[Cam Patterson]

It was dope. He was cool as, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Deion Sanders, the man.

[Cam Patterson]

He a good dude, man. That's it.

[Heidi]

Stand up or.

[Cam Patterson]

No, it's like a talk show. It was cool. If I end up been on like real TV and shit, they had gave me like makeup that felt gay. I ain't like that at all. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Jim Norton]

That's not gay nothing.

[Cam Patterson]

I mean, look, look, I'm cool with the gays, nigga.

[Heidi]

You know what I'm saying?

[Jim Norton]

Wearing makeup is just. Just fine.

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, nah. Makeup pretty gay man.

[Red Band]

Work on you.

[Frank DeMint]

What kind of.

[Cam Patterson]

What the fuck that mean?

[Red Band]

Yeah, what exactly does that mean at all?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly did they do?

[Red Band]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly did they do?

[Red Band]

What kind of makeup did they have?

[Cam Patterson]

They had regular lady came in and did to my face.

[Red Band]

What was it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What color was the what?

[Peter Angelo]

I don't know.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't ask no questions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't look, you know, I didn't want to know.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't want to know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Close your eyes.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, she probably put powder on you because you look like you were baptized in Hennessy. You know what I'm saying? You gotta just dab it up and clean you up a little bit. You're an attractive guy, so you don't

[Cam Patterson]

even that even mean, man.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Red Band]

This is what he looked like before the makeup.

[Cam Patterson]

He going to a funeral?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where he going?

[Cam Patterson]

Who died, man?

[Jim Norton]

He is.

[Cam Patterson]

Who the fuck is dressing D Madness, man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

You got on a. You got on a turtle suit, nigga. You know that.

[Red Band]

He's got a bologna tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fun. It's fun seeing what D Madness wears.

[Red Band]

It's fun getting to tell D Madness what he's wearing tonight. It's the only person you get to break the news.

[Cam Patterson]

You won't believe this shit, nigga. You. You just for Prince's funeral. This is crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A Style King, we bust his balls a lot, but meanwhile, he is weakly the best dressed band member on this show.

[Red Band]

You would think they're all blind, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now they just don't. Fucking Michael Gonzalez has been wearing a

[Red Band]

fucking upside down Nacho bowl for the last year. No one's talking about it. The old family tortilla over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The guy. Absolutely incredible. So, Cam, you hung out with Deion Sanders. So you're gonna be at some, like, Colorado games.

[Cam Patterson]

I wouldn't want to. I went to one a couple months ago. Yeah. When I was playing this. That shit was dope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I would have noticed you, but everybody on the sideline looks exactly like you.

[Cam Patterson]

But I had a Colorado shirt on, and everybody thought I was a recruit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And I would line my ass off to. I'm going, yeah, yeah. Who know? I might come for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Kennedy]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Lying like.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. I don't want this to sound racist, but.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, wait, wait a minute. That's a. That's a terrible start.

[Peter Angelo]

I know.

[Cam Patterson]

That's. That's one of the worst starts in America.

[Jim Norton]

Well aware of that. But is. Is. Is there like a. Deion Sanders is known for being a flashy, flare filled guy, right?

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

So is there like a cool. Like, did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off? You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good question. Was this handshake complex?

[Cam Patterson]

Now, we both from Florida, so we got the same. We both from Florida, so it's like, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you show us. Can you air show us what a handshake would be on?

[Dagan Asaha]

Can he do it? Do it?

[Red Band]

That guy can't do it. A white guy in sunglasses. Why do you have sunglasses on right now?

[Jim Norton]

You could do it.

[Heidi]

Wrong with you and you're looking at your wife like, you better not have

[Red Band]

go to the Puerto Rican with the gold grill over here. Here he is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Red Band]

That's it.

[Dagan Asaha]

See?

[Cam Patterson]

It was simple.

[Red Band]

Oh, come on.

[Cam Patterson]

It's real simple.

[Red Band]

Tony Caruso has a better handshake than that.

[Jim Norton]

I can show you a Blacker handshake.

[Red Band]

Yeah. Let's go. Come on, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, my lead.

[Jim Norton]

I follow my. Wait. They'll play some cool rap music for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, like, give him a good.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

So let's say I walk into, like, a black nightclub, right? Which I love, by the way.

[Red Band]

I love because you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing?

[Jim Norton]

I'm usually looking for some big fat black Tony, but tight is it. Which is my website. Big bad black back Tony Caruso. So let's say I walk into the club and I go, cam, good to see you, yo.

[Red Band]

Oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh. Up top, down low. And the reverse fist bump. Fist bump, crisscross, double piece. Working the rib section. Oh, and then in. Oh, yeah, there it is. Hell, yeah. Wow. Wow. Absolutely.

[Jim Norton]

And then I call him the Nword. But I can do that in the car on the way home.

[Red Band]

Cam Patterson, we absolutely love you. Congratulations on being you. One of the top rising stars of the industry. The great Cam Patterson. Make some noise for his dad. Kenny Patterson's in the house somewhere tonight. We love Kenny Patterson. We love Kenny. Sometimes I sound like Trump. We love raised one of the good ones. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ryan Jack. Everybody make some noise for Ryan Jack. We're gonna meet them all together. This is that episode of Kill Tony.

[Ryan Jack]

Hey, you guys, I'm in therapy. I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know, like, my therapist told me that I have a hard time telling people no. Then he pulled his pants back up. Yeah, that was a tough realization. That was a hard dick to swallow for sure. You know,

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know.

[Ryan Jack]

I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know? Like, lately I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube. I can't get enough of these videos. I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos, though, is because they're all titled like porn. Like, every cop video on YouTube I click on is titled like, 20 Year Old College girl gets what she deserves. Karen gets physical and learns her lesson.

[Jim Norton]

You know,

[Ryan Jack]

man packs heat and shorts all the classics, you know, and just like porn, the more that I watch these videos, the more I start to develop an unrealistic standard for police officers. You know, like, one time I got arrested and the cop pinned me down to the ground, and I was like, I can't get hard. I'm sorry, I can't. He tried tasing me Choking me.

[Red Band]

There you go. Great set. Ryan, Jack the bucket is powerful tonight. An incredible, incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another bucket pull. Jim Norton. Thoughts?

[Heidi]

Very funny. And every punchline was hidden. I didn't see any of them coming. It was really, really good, man. It was. None of them were predictable. Really good writing. Very funny.

[Ryan Jack]

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Ryan Jack, how long you been doing stand up?

[Ryan Jack]

About four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. And you really are in therapy?

[Ryan Jack]

I am, I am, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What types of things, what types of trauma have you had in your life that you talk to your therapist about?

[Ryan Jack]

Just mostly daddy issues shit. Like yeah, my dad call me retarded and shit all the time, but you know, what are you gonna do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. That's how you end up being funny. Funny, yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Are you Theo Von's kid? I think so. Was your principal also a raccoon?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ryan, where are you from?

[Ryan Jack]

I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Salt Lake City, Utah. Absolutely. You come from a Mormon family?

[Ryan Jack]

No, no, actually both of my parents were raised Mormon, but I am not. They kept us in Utah for some reason. I don't know why, but absolutely, yeah.

[Red Band]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been on standup? Four years.

[Ryan Jack]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for work?

[Ryan Jack]

I work at the Dead Rabbit down the street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's one of the best bars and restaurants in the city. Yes, that is a place that I have been to, unlike the Liberty.

[Jim Norton]

Too Soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An incredible fucking place. Absolutely mind blowing. Food and drinks is an award winning bar. The only other location is in New York City. Won all the awards. The second ever location, just a block away here on 6th street, west of here.

[Heidi]

Can I ask why your parents didn't raise you Mormon? Are you supposed to?

[Ryan Jack]

I don't know. I think they just wanted to drink alcohol. I don't know, I don't know what their deal was. Fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they drink a lot?

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah, a decent amount. Not too much. I mean my dad binges every now and then, but other than calling you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

retarded, did he beat you up a little bit?

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah, almost. I think my mom stopped and my mom was like the saving grace and all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this trauma, I mean, like I'm pretty sure everybody here.

[Ryan Jack]

I mean, you're the one that brought up the trauma. I mean it's pretty. The one that was like really drilling on the trauma. I don't know, it was mostly a happy childhood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it seems like, you know, this therapist is pretty easy. Work cut out for him.

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah, yeah. He collects his check and goes. He's it's pretty fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this a weekly thing?

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah, I try to keep it like once every couple of weeks, but yeah, because I'm running out of things to talk about. It's just kind of annoying at this point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ryan Jack]

Talking about my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It makes sense. What else have you talked with your therapist about?

[Ryan Jack]

Oh, just been addiction. Like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about that. What have you been addicted to?

[Heidi]

What are you addicted to? Eating pennies and putting your finger in the socket?

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah, no, pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you done?

[Ryan Jack]

I've been addicted to a gas station kratom. Have you heard of that?

[Red Band]

Oh, yeah.

[Ryan Jack]

You guys, finally someone respects me.

[Red Band]

I have some friends that are addicted to that. They don't know they're addicted to that,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but there's a couple people that basically everyone that tries Kratom kind of gets. Kind of gets. They really like it, let's put it that way. I'm not sure if we have any

[Red Band]

sponsors right now that are Kratom, so I think.

[Jim Norton]

What is it? Yeah, what is it? What is that?

[Red Band]

It's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is an herb. That's how they. That's how they. It's a natural herb, much like cocaine and.

[Red Band]

And heroin. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They sell this at gas stations and it's considered non addictive. And what I've noticed is that people that have been addicted to things that are trying to not be addicted to things, try this and they get addicted to this.

[Red Band]

But they say that they're not addicted

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to it, but they do a little bit more every single week.

[Jim Norton]

Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now. That was a great.

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you like it, get it from our people, whoever they may.

[Red Band]

Did you ever try it just to send us all of this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I don't do. I don't do anything. I'm a very, very simple man. I know. I don't do it. I don't go to the liberty.

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ryan.

[Red Band]

Jack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you got addicted to a gas station Kratom. How wild did things get? What was your lowest point on gas station Kratom? Did you ever suck a for it?

[Ryan Jack]

Nah, dude.

[Red Band]

Oh, wow. Red band. Very fast redb.

[Jim Norton]

No, I.

[Ryan Jack]

For free. It's. That's really. I just. I. I blow. I'm also bisexual, but. Oh, that's sort of just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then buy your own kratom.

[Ryan Jack]

I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, I, I mostly just spending all my money on that, you know, that's. That's really it. That's.

[Heidi]

Did your dad not like that you were bisexual? Like he called you retarded. But was that really the problem?

[Ryan Jack]

He ignores it. I think he doesn't really want to get my dad. My brother has ignored him. Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has ignored or.

[Ryan Jack]

Just like, my dad hinted at me, like, being straight, and my brother was like, oh, Ryan's bisexual. And I was like, all right, that's cool. That's fine. Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't your brother outrage you?

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you. And that's how your dad found out.

[Ryan Jack]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So he's more men and you're more men.

[Ryan Jack]

Yes, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you first know that you were bisexual? And is it like 50? 50. How does that work? 60, 40 women?

[Ryan Jack]

I say it's like 50. 50. I don't know. I just always like playing with the boys on the school grounds. When I was a kid.

[Red Band]

Way to save that there at the end with the. When I was a kid, I was

[Ryan Jack]

a child, not Ned.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We almost found out what your real therapy sessions were.

[Red Band]

All good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. So what type of fiddling would you do with your classmates back in the day?

[Ryan Jack]

I mean, mostly. I mean, wasn't until I was. I didn't fondle with anyone back then. But, I mean, like, in high school, I would hook up with friends and stuff.

[Red Band]

Okay, D Madness just let out a homophobic.

[Jim Norton]

All my friends watch this show.

[Ryan Jack]

I'm sharing way too, too much right now. But it's fine.

[Red Band]

Sometimes I forget D Madness is homophobic, but he cannot hide it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, you just heard him go like this.

[Red Band]

You go, yeah.

[Jim Norton]

He literally sounded like a blind queef.

[Red Band]

Great band name.

[Jim Norton]

They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday. Now, you have great delivery. You came out. You have a cool look, right? I think there's a comedy checklist for me. It's cool look. Easy delivery and confidence, and you have all three, four years. Do you feel like it's gonna. You're gonna stand the test of time, or is this like a hobby for you?

[Ryan Jack]

I. I'm gonna try my best to make this work full time, you know, just keep doing my thing, you know,

[Jim Norton]

you should stick with it.

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Heidi]

You talk about being by on stage.

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah, I do. I do have some bits about that.

[Jim Norton]

Okay, good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, There you go.

[Jim Norton]

Everyone's gotta know.

[Red Band]

I don't know.

[Jim Norton]

Sound like you're dead, but.

[Red Band]

All right. What's the longest set you've ever done, Ryan?

[Ryan Jack]

10 minutes.

[Red Band]

I'd love to have you do a short set on the Secret show. There you go. You did it. Here's the big joke, Buck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here it is.

[Red Band]

Ryan, Jack, ladies and gentlemen.

[Jake Kennedy]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, great. You guys are in for a special treat. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show is here, ladies and gentlemen, one of

[Red Band]

the funniest young ladies working today from Nashville, Tennessee. She is here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a brand new minute from Fiona Cauley, everybody. You know her, you love her. Nashville's finest many time performer on the show. Golden ticket winner. This is a brand new minute from. Make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody.

[Fiona Cauley]

So something I have noticed since being in a chair, I don't think that women see me as, like, a threat, Like, to their romantic relationships, which I find fucking ridiculous. Cause I am perfect height. To suck your dude's dick. That's not a joke. That's a threat. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't suck dick. Not during allergy season. That's just dangerous. Talk about head cold.

[Red Band]

Thank you, Fiona, Collie, everybody, with a brand new minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Where do we even begin with you? Welcome back.

[Fiona Cauley]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Always wonderful. There's a. There was a lot that happened there. Have you sucked dicks while sitting in the chair before? Is that a thing that you do? You have a boyfriend? I always see.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. I gotta be charged forward and back. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is correct. I love it. And how long have you been with your boyfriend again?

[Fiona Cauley]

A year and a half.

[Red Band]

Year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you guys have been through a lot together, huh? How's it all going? Good.

[Fiona Cauley]

He's actually not my boyfriend anymore.

[Red Band]

Oh.

[Fiona Cauley]

My fiance.

[Red Band]

Whoa. Look at that. Wow. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. So until really, really soon do you part.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fiona gets it.

[Red Band]

True comedian. Okay, she's not laughing as hard as I was hoping she would be.

[Jim Norton]

Keeping it. Keep it in Yoni.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, it's just nice. He doesn't have to worry about, like, a runaway bride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Red Band]

Or a prenup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Red Band]

Or a prenup.

[Fiona Cauley]

Ah, good point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. No one knows how to stop the

[Red Band]

momentum faster than old red band here. A prenup, anybody? Anyway, so what's going on? Are your parents excited?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is your dad gonna roll you down the aisle?

[Jim Norton]

Isolate that audio. I want that for my new email alert.

[Red Band]

Ah.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Peter Angelo]

That.

[Jim Norton]

That was my favorite moment of the whole show.

[Red Band]

There are so many. The wedding, I mean, I can't even imagine we're going to tie a bunch of, like, cans and stuff to the back of your chair, just married on the back, just clank your ass that will happen.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. It'll be good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Jim Norton]

Very happy for you.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Thank you. Anyone can do it, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That's true. You're gonna fucking throw that bouquet behind you. Really, really shallow throw.

[Fiona Cauley]

Everyone will be Chris Cross applesauce.

[Red Band]

Right behind you. Right behind you. Applesauce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or as you call it, three meals a day.

[Red Band]

No, I'm kidding. She can eat normal meals, people. We're kidding. She's. We laugh a lot. She's a golden ticket winner.

[Cam Patterson]

Damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Heidi]

Honeymoon. Where are you gonna honeymoon?

[Fiona Cauley]

Cabo.

[Red Band]

Whoa. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you most excited about? About this wedding. When is it?

[Fiona Cauley]

In October.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. It's gonna be in Nashville. All right, beautiful. It's in October. What are you excited about? What's a. What's a.

[Fiona Cauley]

The tax break.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Frank DeMint]

All right.

[Jim Norton]

Who's gonna marry you? You got a pastor or a friend or.

[Fiona Cauley]

My stepdad.

[Jim Norton]

There we go.

[Ryan Jack]

Perfect.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Is he ordained?

[Fiona Cauley]

Huh?

[Jim Norton]

I don't know what I'm talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great question. Is he ordained?

[Jim Norton]

Is he ordained? Is he legal to do it? Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let me ask you this.

[Red Band]

Did

[Fiona Cauley]

you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you. How did he propose to you?

[Fiona Cauley]

It was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's. Let's hear about it. I bet you're real easy to surprise.

[Red Band]

Just gets down behind you. He's like, babe, spin around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not gonna believe this.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, my.

[Red Band]

Very. Is there he is. It's incredible. The same guy from the prenup momentum stop earlier is the same.

[Jim Norton]

Welcome to the show, Red man.

[Red Band]

He has arrived.

[Jim Norton]

Been sitting on that queue all night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's hear. How did he propose to you?

[Fiona Cauley]

First, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called bad idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Mr. Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. He got my ass, dude. It was terrible. Yeah. So then I got a text from the booker at Zany's, and she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me, had to come right away. And comedy. It's fucking weird. So I was like, maybe that's real. I don't know. So we left the restaurant, and we're both real nervous in the car. I thought for, like, the same reason.

[Red Band]

No.

[Fiona Cauley]

And we got there, and I'm fucking all the way up, zooming around the corner,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then I see the Zaniist photographer, and I was like, what the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there's always a photographer there. Always there. Ready to ruin a great surprise. It's always.

[Fiona Cauley]

And then Matt goes, come back here for a second. I looked up at the marquee, and it said, will you marry me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Jim Norton]

Now, did you say. Did you. That's so sweet. Did you immediately say yes, or did you go, let me think about it? No, it's a really beautiful story. Sorry I had to do that. But wait, so. And that was how long ago again? A year ago.

[Fiona Cauley]

The proposal. Yeah, that was a week ago.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, my God, that's beautiful.

[Red Band]

A week ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's still on the same chair charge that she hasn't even had to plug in yet.

[Jim Norton]

Can you play PlayStation on that, too?

[Fiona Cauley]

There's a USB right here.

[Jim Norton]

Is it really?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. Debate like, what?

[Jim Norton]

That's incredible. Yeah.

[Jack McWilliams]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

You steer the Titan sub with that?

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

The thing that died. They all died on it.

[Fiona Cauley]

Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing great, Fiona. What do you like to do for fun when you come to Austin, Texas?

[Fiona Cauley]

I always go to Terry Blacks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Red Band]

Yeah. You have good taste.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah. That place, it's so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Fiona Cauley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really does. What. What's your favorite thing to get when you're there?

[Fiona Cauley]

You're gonna hate me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy.

[Fiona Cauley]

The Mac and cheese.

[Red Band]

You go to Terry Blacks for the Mac and cheese. Oh, look at all the fat asses

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

going crazy for this.

[Red Band]

Just a bunch of people on their last breaths.

[Fiona Cauley]

No, Mac and cheese is good, but the Mac and cheese. Are you kidding?

[Red Band]

Let me tell you something, Fiona.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're trying to take care of you here. I'm gonna. I'm gonna have you talk to a

[Red Band]

doctor who's name is Frank Dement.

[Fiona Cauley]

Want you to make him say Friedrich to Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Call we.

[Red Band]

We Bad news. This Mac and Cheese is not a good idea if you want to sustain us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable. Everybody loves you so goddamn much.

[Red Band]

You're such a part of the family. Congratulations on the October wedding. Make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody. All right, Red band. Jesus Christ. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi as well? Oh, Fiona just ran into deep madness. We're having a real battle of the titans over here. Here. Nobody knows what the going on D Madness is like. Who put a motorcycle on my foot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Red Band]

We having fun tonight, huh? I don't know how we do it every week. This has been a great night for the bucket. Big smooths for your next Bucket poll. Anything can happen. This is Jack McWilliams. Jack McWilliams.

[Jack McWilliams]

I hooked up with a girl the other day, and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop. I was like, of course not that kind of guy. I'm not gonna pressure. Did you say a safe phrase? Don't you mean a safe word? She said. No, no, no, no. A safe word isn't specific enough. I could yell out any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop. I was like, totally. I'm on the same page. It just feels more complicated that way. Like, I'm not trying to hack your email here. Is there gonna be numbers, symbols, and upper and lowercase letter involved? I just. What if we made it a random word that you'd never yell out in the heat of the moment, like Gandhi? You're not yelling out Gandhi in the heat of the moment. And even if you do, I feel like I could tell if it's a bad Gandhi or like a gimme more kind of Gandhi. You know what I mean? It's all in the tone. No, she said her safe phrase is hey, stop doing that.

[Ryan Jack]

Thank you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jack McWilliams.

[Red Band]

I've never heard Matt Muhling laugh so hard in my entire life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He absolutely loved that punchline. Incredible. Jack, welcome to the show. That is amazing that you had a set all about a safe word or safe phrase because you are one of the rapiest looking guys, without a doubt

[Red Band]

that's ever been on this show. Every rapist ever looks up to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that is what they look like. You look like that and I look

[Jack McWilliams]

down on all the non rapists.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand up, Jack?

[Jack McWilliams]

Eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight years? Where at?

[Jack McWilliams]

Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The whole time in Chicago.

[Jack McWilliams]

Thanks. Two years in Bloomington, Indiana, where I went to college. And then in Chicago. Yeah.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Heidi]

How tall are you? You're a big man.

[Jack McWilliams]

Six, five.

[Peter Angelo]

Wow.

[Heidi]

Do people get. Did everyone think that you look kind of crazy? Because you look like everyone that's ever accidentally smothered a hooker. Like you didn't mean to do it. You apologized after, but it just happened.

[Jack McWilliams]

I'm very apologetic afterwards and it's hard to know my own strength and size. But yeah, we're figuring it out.

[Heidi]

While you're holding that mic. What a fucking giant meat hook you. It's like me with a dog dick in my hand.

[Jack McWilliams]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jack, I love it. What do you do for a living?

[Jack McWilliams]

I'm a caddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A real golf caddy. Wow. How long you been doing that for?

[Jack McWilliams]

Four seasons.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Jack McWilliams]

Chicago, it's a seasonal job. I found one here in Austin, though, that's a little sporadic. But you live here now, so. I'm long distance with a girl in Austin. I've Been living with her since November. We've been dating over a year. I'm at Spanish Oaks Golf Club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, very, very nice golfers. Shout out, shout out. No doubt about it.

[Jack McWilliams]

They'll be super pumped to hear about the rape. It's gonna be good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Seems good.

[Red Band]

He's doing good. Spanish Oaks. Keep him close. This is where Spanish come from.

[Jack McWilliams]

I love the way my meat hooks grab their driver.

[Red Band]

What does the girlfriend do for a living?

[Jack McWilliams]

She works at heb.

[Red Band]

Oh, wow. Everyone's favorite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[Red Band]

Insane. Instant crowd pop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Always for heb. What does she do?

[Jack McWilliams]

There she is in the beauty section, though. In a month, she's starting management training.

[Red Band]

Wow, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything you guys touch turns to gold over there. And how did you end up meeting this girl? Long distance relationship. Chicago and Austin.

[Jack McWilliams]

She visited Chicago and came to a comedy show where I was. I was the headliner, essentially the last comedian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello.

[Red Band]

And then what happened?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She comes up to you and goes,

[Jack McWilliams]

I have a bit where I take a girl to the airport after three dates. You know, super not rapey thing to do. It's just being a gentleman. She clapped for me in the audience, and then I kind of did a quick interaction and tied her up. Yeah, pretty much right after this.

[Red Band]

And then what? You guys went on a date and

[Jack McWilliams]

she was flying back the next day. When she said she was lives in Austin, I was like, well, I've been meaning to visit there for this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys hang out that night or.

[Jack McWilliams]

Yeah, for a few hours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you do? You go over to the Bean?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Jack McWilliams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This happens to be a landmark that I know a lot about.

[Jack McWilliams]

I always ask for consent before I go to the bean.

[Heidi]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

100%. Nobody believes you.

[Red Band]

What.

[Heidi]

What does she like about you? What did she like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does she say that she likes?

[Heidi]

What does she have.

[Jack McWilliams]

She says I'm very kind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. What'd you say?

[Heidi]

I just knew it would bomb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I said, no, nobody heard it.

[Heidi]

No, no, no, no. No one knows who he is. I said, she has an Edmund Kemper finish.

[Red Band]

I know that reference. That's great.

[Heidi]

Damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's saying you look like a big, rapey serial killer.

[Heidi]

I say it with love. I like him.

[Jim Norton]

He's. I really appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[Heidi]

Yeah, he's great.

[Jim Norton]

Wait, what? How do you keep. I've done long distance 14 times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how.

[Jim Norton]

You have a. You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting. Right. You can cheat or you can do phone sex.

[Red Band]

Yep.

[Jack McWilliams]

The big two.

[Jim Norton]

Say it again.

[Jack McWilliams]

The big Two.

[Jim Norton]

The big two. Yeah. Well do. How do you keep it fresh? How do you keep connected?

[Jack McWilliams]

She would visit like every six weeks during caddy season. And then now I've been here for a few months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you a good caddy?

[Jack McWilliams]

Back to back caddy of the year in at my club in Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Red Band]

Incredible.

[Dagan Asaha]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you get so good at it?

[Jack McWilliams]

Well, my co workers are either alcoholics or children, so it's not the highest bar.

[Heidi]

That's also who your victims are.

[Red Band]

Got it. Standing ovation from Antonio Caruso.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Jack, before I let you go, would we be surprised to know about you?

[Jack McWilliams]

Other than I have not sexually assaulted anybody.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Say it in one of the cameras for your work.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Frank DeMint]

Yeah.

[Jack McWilliams]

Let's see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything wild? Any fun hobbies or anything?

[Jack McWilliams]

I got a DUI for smoking pot when I was 19.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Bloomington, Indiana, Wisconsin.

[Jack McWilliams]

I was taking a road trip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. Yikes. My goodness. How'd you get caught? You admitted it.

[Jack McWilliams]

We had just hot boxed the car with two joints. So he pulled us over and was like, I'm pulling you over for a traffic violation. We said, what's the traffic violation? And he just said, how much marijuana is in the car?

[Red Band]

All right.

[Jack McWilliams]

We were 19. We didn't really like. We know our rights, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Jack McWilliams]

We kind of.

[Jim Norton]

You want to be my. You want to be my doctor? I like you a lot. You're very funny.

[Red Band]

I do.

[Jim Norton]

You're kind.

[Jack McWilliams]

Thank you.

[Jim Norton]

Hey, I don't know.

[Jack McWilliams]

I went from being just a rapist to your doctor, so that's a pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it.

[Jim Norton]

Not the first one.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

You should have seen the other rapey doctor that was here earlier. Redban, you know, I'd love for you to headline the Secret Show Thursday.

[Jim Norton]

Holy.

[Red Band]

Look at that. And a big jug bug. You did it. There he goes. Jack McWilliams, ladies and gentlemen.

[Jim Norton]

And yo, the bucket pulls on this show. Out of control right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get one more up here. Let's see if we could go for it tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dagan Asaha.

[Red Band]

Dagan Asaha.

[Dagan Asaha]

So I live in a gentrified white neighborhood, so there's a lot of pressure on me to be the friendly local black guy. And it's tough, you know, it's. It's hard. It's hard being a real nigga when you live on Avocado Street. It's hard because people don't understand race. You know, like one time I Was at a comedy show and I was watching a black comedian perform. He was saying the N word a lot. And this white woman next to me turned to me and she was like, am I allowed

[Red Band]

to laugh?

[Dagan Asaha]

I was like, absolutely not. As a matter of fact, every time you hear the N word, hold your breath.

[Jack McWilliams]

All right?

[Dagan Asaha]

That's my time.

[Red Band]

Diggin Aspaha. Am I saying that right? Dagan.

[Ryan Jack]

Dejan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dejin.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dejan. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Another amazing set. Congratulations to you. How long you been doing stand up?

[Dagan Asaha]

Three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years? Where at?

[Dagan Asaha]

I started in la, and then I moved back to Seattle like a year ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you move to Seattle from la?

[Dagan Asaha]

There was no reason to be there in la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I love it.

[Heidi]

Do you. Do you keep in touch with Captain Phillips?

[Dagan Asaha]

I already knew that was coming. You might as well play the Lion King music now.

[Red Band]

Well, you know what? Let me just. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does dejan mean?

[Red Band]

Is that a deja? Oh, we got you. We got you there. You didn't see that one coming?

[Jim Norton]

I knew.

[Red Band]

We got you there. We got you. You took the bait.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, that's tonight's fruit by the foot queue of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, Dayjun?

[Red Band]

I was.

[Dagan Asaha]

I'm about to work as a tutor. Work with kids. But I was just working security right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What are you going to be tutoring them in? You really are in a gentrified neighborhood. Taking you for the tutor type, like

[Dagan Asaha]

at an elementary school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Dagan Asaha]

I did that too, when I was in LA for a bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ryan Jack]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Tutoring kids. Is it fun working with kids?

[Dagan Asaha]

Kids like me, generally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might be the only bucket pool tonight that's allowed near kids that some retired doctors, some scary, scary individuals up here.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. What's your love life like?

[Dagan Asaha]

Oh, I'll be dating casually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dagan Asaha]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you into? What type of woman are you? What type of big booty are you?

[Dagan Asaha]

What was that noise?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was.

[Red Band]

That was the noise of a pig. That was Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band thinks that big booty implies that they are. They are heavy eaters,

[Quinn Pastura]

man.

[Dagan Asaha]

That's crazy. You say I do like a. A fat ass.

[Red Band]

I don't know how. I guess I. I just really just

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

had just a hunch of some kind. I don't know how fat.

[Jim Norton]

Could you do, like a thing with your hands? Like, how big?

[Dagan Asaha]

I mean, if she. I like grabbing it, you know, I like. Is she on top?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

What the did you just do? What was that? What was that?

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Are you painting her back with crayon?

[Dagan Asaha]

She on top. I'm doing this.

[Red Band]

Right.

[Jim Norton]

I don't know what that is either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, maybe you don't know Tony Caruso.

[Jim Norton]

No, I'm a. I'm a stand up against the wall guy. Always. No sitting down. Once I sit down, I'm going to bed. No doggy style. My knees can't handle it. I'm up against the wall. Wall. The closet of the fridge. Good night.

[Red Band]

You know, when you do doggy style, you're not supposed to be on all fours. You know that, right?

[Jim Norton]

All right. Tony Robbins. Jesus Christ. Can I just have a conversation with Saguan Barkley, whoever the this guy is? Now, you said you were security.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

You said you were security for who? Panera? Who? Who are you security for? You said security.

[Dagan Asaha]

I just. I just. I've done security work for just, like, office buildings around type shit.

[Jim Norton]

Great. So, yeah. Any office building that needs somebody to watch.

[Dagan Asaha]

Yeah, I used to do that just because it was, like, cushy and I could, like, write jokes during the daytime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Dagan Asaha]

But I had the other security job I had. They were just trying to make me do, like, actual security, and I was like, fuck no, nigga.

[Cam Patterson]

Like, yeah.

[Dagan Asaha]

They would be like, confront that crackhead. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd be like, what?

[Dagan Asaha]

They'd be like, you're good. You don't have a gun, but it's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, yeah.

[Dagan Asaha]

Because it was unarmed security. I was like, that's a paradox.

[Red Band]

Right, Exactly. You're skateboarders and shit. Damn right.

[Dagan Asaha]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

That's the name of my next special. N word. That's a paradox. Can't say it. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Red Band]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What else do you do for fun, Dejan?

[Dagan Asaha]

I mean, it's hard to have hobbies because I'm constantly doing this shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Dagan Asaha]

But honestly, casually dating. I was dating a lot when I got back to Seattle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you like to do? What's your move? What do you. Give us some tricks? Give us some dating with DeJean tricks. What are some. What do you like to. Girl, how do you close. Wait, what is it?

[Dagan Asaha]

Dejan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dejin.

[Peter Angelo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Dead. Yeah. I'm gonna take the A out of this and just go with the E.

[Dagan Asaha]

D. You made my name black, Dejan.

[Red Band]

Well, I mean, that's. Let the record show this is not an easy job. Most television show hosts have a pre interview. They fucking. They meet the person before his name is spelled D, A, E, which is day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then it's G, E, N. I

[Dagan Asaha]

Know it's spelled confusing. Yeah, you have a point. I don't mind when people mispronounce it.

[Jim Norton]

Can you imagine being on a date with this guy?

[Red Band]

And she's like, so it's so nice

[Jim Norton]

to meet you, Dejan. And he's like,

[Red Band]

hey, you be bragging on my name.

[Dagan Asaha]

Hey, you know what's crazy? Somebody mispronounced my name while I was hitting it too. Oh, yeah, she said it just the way you said it.

[Heidi]

What is she, Beetlejuice?

[Red Band]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah.

[Dagan Asaha]

She's like, ooh, ooh, Dejan. And I was like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, it's Dejan.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, it's Dejan.

[Jim Norton]

It's Dejan. Spell it.

[Red Band]

D, E, J, U, A I Get off my. I'm sorry to blacken up your name. I'm sorry. So, Dejan Quay. Tell us.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, I knew it.

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are some dating tricks of yours?

[Red Band]

Before I get you out of here, you gotta.

[Dagan Asaha]

You gotta schedule. If you're talking to her, you gotta schedule the date asap, like within the first five messages, type Yep. And then you meet her in person. And then, by the way, I'm not. No, like that. Be getting all the time.

[Red Band]

But that's what you have to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get it.

[Dagan Asaha]

But you got to schedule the day asap. Do some simple shit. Just talk to her. Get drinks type shit. You don't got to take her to an aquarium.

[Red Band]

You're goddamn right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're goddamn right you don't.

[Cam Patterson]

Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Dagan Asaha]

And introduce the idea of sex ASAP.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I absolutely.

[Dagan Asaha]

My early 20s. I fucked that up. I never like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You go to the aquarium?

[Red Band]

Yes. Aquarium is your brother's name, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God,

[Red Band]

you are fantastic. What's the longest set you've ever done, Dejan?

[Dagan Asaha]

20.

[Red Band]

20 minutes on the secret show. Book it. Lock it. Big joke book. Unbelievable performance. Detchen as Faha has arrived. What an unbelievable bucket night of bucket pulls we've had. And before we put a ribbon on this thing, I think it's time we bring to the stage someone to give us a little violin performance. Everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jake Kennedy, everyone. I think it's Jake Kennedy right Where the is he. Oh, my God. How adorable is this? Oh, my God. The world's smallest violin. Literally. Give me some right lighting for this situation. This is an all time kill. Tony first. We've never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Out of all the musical excitement that we've ever had, we've never had a violinist. I'm very excited about this. Play something that's not copyrighted. Music, please. YouTube has an unbelievable computer system stronger than ever to be able to copyright strike us. Even me saying the word copyright strike might be a copyright strike. They are so strict nowadays. Ladies and gentlemen, this a first in the kill Tony universe. The first violin performance from one of the most absolutely adorable little Oompa Loompas we've ever seen our entire lives. Here with his tiny little fingers.

[Jim Norton]

Hold the mic next to it, Tony.

[Red Band]

We got it. We gotta relax. Tony, sit the down. Don't ask any questions. Relax.

[Jim Norton]

Can you play the cool run?

[Red Band]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, there you go.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the up. Ladies and gentlemen, as we all settle in and relax for this performance.

[Red Band]

This is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there's a lot going on. They'll figure it out. They'll figure it out. They're professionals. Jake, just play. Jake is used to playing with a bunch of little mice.

[Red Band]

He normally plays in a band of mice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mees, they're called. When there's a group of tiny little mees. Ladies and gentlemen, this with the tiniest

[Red Band]

fingers we've ever seen, is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jack Kennedy.

[Red Band]

Sam, Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show. They are on their feet here in the live music capitol world. Tony Garuso's gonna throw his jacket out there. He's got a big joke book. He's got a little joke book. He's got the musical performance of a lifetime. One more time for Jake Kennedy, ladies and gentlemen. Jake, you know what? I want you to join the band one of these nights. Coming up, talk to John Dees. You're gonna be a band member. Not full time, but he's gonna make a couple appearances. We'll see what happens. You'll see him over there with the horn players or something. Luckily, we can fit him anywhere on the stage. You would think we've run out of room. He's literally the only musician that we can add. Add. Add sound.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sound check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. Something. There you go. It's Kino, everybody. The great famous Kino who said earlier during soundcheck that he'll never make another mistake again.

[Jim Norton]

That was the best Make a Wish musical performance I've ever seen.

[Red Band]

It is incredible. You know, there was a band that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

played during the sinking of the Titanic. Not a lot of people know this, but Jake played the violin during the.

[Red Band]

When that little sub went down to go play.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And yeah, he was playing that.

[Red Band]

He can fit in there. He can fit in crazy places.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he was in a little submarine playing. And when the thing exploded. He fucking. The violin had a. He's.

[Red Band]

He's light enough, he's buoyant enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He fucking shot right up to the surface. It's absolutely. That's actual sound of him coming back up to the surface.

[Red Band]

Look, this guy's had a few weeks off. There's only one way to end a fucking episode like this. It's been way too long. You guys know what's about to happen. As I bring to the stage the hall of famer with the most appearances ever, with the most interviews ever. This is the long awaited return, the longest we've ever gone without seeing him. This is the Memphis Strangler, the big Red machine. This is William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

When Trump's people took over, they discovered Biden had budgeted $50 million for condoms in Gaza. I'd heard they do a lot of tunneling over there, but damn, They just found vomit in denmark that is 66 million years old. Red band. You never told me you did stand up for cavemen. Because when somebody does so bad, it's stand up the people in the audience vomit. That's what I was going for. So I've got a rebranding opportunity instead of Goldman Sachs. Goldman sex. It's not about your asset size, it's your circumcise. A woman recently went blind when she accidentally put nail glue in her eyes instead of eye drops. I'm not a doctor, but here's some advice. Don't do that again, you stupid bitch. Okay, that's my time exactly.

[Red Band]

59.99 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Almost like a man with the all time record. The man who's done it more than anybody else. William, we have missed you. Welcome back.

[William Montgomery]

I know. Thank you so much. It really is so nice to be back. This is kind of a. Honestly, this is a very cautionary tale. I was playing too much Call of Duty and it made me depressed, Tony. So I stopped playing it, I think three weeks ago. Now I'm back working out and reading books, trying to get out of my funk that I have in my brain. Because seriously, if you're out there grinding for these camouflages on your weapons, it turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare. So if you're one of these people doing this, stop immediately. Start working out, start reading books. Do something different for your brain because it really, Tony, turned very dark for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. It is true. You had a video game addiction. The closest you would get to doing anything else would be to look out of your blinds and complain about whatever your neighbors in the parking lot. Were doing. It became. Became a cautionary tale. You went down a rabbit hole.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I'm reading next to my window, so I'm still able to look out. And Tony, somebody recently moved into one of the apartments and they weren't supposed to. This is now the second time I've caught a homeless person moving into the apartments next to me. So I'm still got my eyes out on the there.

[Red Band]

Wow, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some things never change.

[William Montgomery]

I know I have to have a purpose.

[Heidi]

How do you break a Call of Duty addiction? How do you break it? Just start shooting real people.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you wean yourself off of it? You were in very deep.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I really. Tony was feeling horrible in my brain. I was so horribly down. And I would like to think I'm going to blame it on the Call of Duty and things are better now that I'm not playing the Call of Duty. But seriously, it was. It was. I was playing, I don't know, 15 hours a day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a real thing.

[Red Band]

I don't allow my. I don't allow myself to have a legit video game system.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. Don't ever do it because it's so fun. I know, it's really fun, but it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

very, very easy to just sit there and live a life of fantasy.

[Quinn Pastura]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there's perhaps a lot of people out there listening right now. I'd imagine that look up to you and you know, which is absolutely insane to me.

[Red Band]

And.

[William Montgomery]

But, well, there was one sweet guy on an Instagram post I did. He's like, oh, my gosh, I was going through bad times. Your comedy's really helped me. I was going to kill myself or something. And then some piece of said, well, you should have killed yourself then, dumbass,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because I don't know.

[Jim Norton]

Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that, so I didn't think you were going to read it. So tomato, tomato. But you know, if, by the way, seeing a guy play Call of Duty with a Sesame street live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing. Imagine being a postmates driver dropping off soup to you. You walk out being like, I just lost six more of my friends. And he's like, all right, man, you look like a guy going to now to look for lady boys. But, you know, here's the truth.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I got this at Disney World. And Tony, I went to Disney World at the beginning of the year. Nobody ever go to Disney World or Universal Studios. And in January, because everybody was sick and I ended up with the flu for two weeks, Tony. I got 104 fever one of the nights and I was almost getting in the ice bath in my bathtub. Almost getting my girlfriend to put rubbing alcohol on my body. I didn't know what to do.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ended up solving your problem.

[William Montgomery]

It just went down the next day so I didn't have to go to the doctor.

[Jim Norton]

What's your favorite ride at the D World?

[William Montgomery]

It's a small world. Yeah, I love that one. It's real nice. Just all the cultures coming together. It's chill.

[Jim Norton]

Love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. What are your big plans for 2025? This is our, I believe, first time seeing you this year. Is that correct?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's been.

[Jim Norton]

We miss you, William. You're. You're a staple of the comedy world and you're one of the finest guys.

[Red Band]

I mean, you just took 20 years off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the. Do you know

[Jim Norton]

I've got YouTube.

[Assan Ahmad]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

I don't know. This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that, that you're. That we. That you're needed. You're needed. You, Tony.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're talking. You're talking to him like a fellow. You're talking to a fellow Kill Tony hall of famer.

[Quinn Pastura]

Well, I just.

[Jim Norton]

I feel like he brings a lot to the. To not only the show, but to the world. So that's what I'm trying to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could not absolutely agree more. William. You are a ridiculous superstar.

[Red Band]

You are our Conor McGregor, our Hulk Hogan. You are the man. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only William Montgomery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that violinist still back there? Is he still back there? Does he have his little tiny instrument? Is. Does he. Is he violinist? Yes, he left. Oh, that's a shame.

[Red Band]

Well then our normal band will play us out. Test was tonight's episode. Everybody make some noise for Jim Norton. Jim Norton can't save you. Available everywhere. It's new unbelievably awesome show. Tony Caruso is on tour with Adam Ray, believe it or not. Incredible. Adam has such an open mind. One of the great creative forces of the world. He has Dr. Phil on tour. He has his own stand up tour. He kills it everywhere he goes. Everything he touches turns to gold. Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil Phil on Netflix. A lot of other unbelievable things happening. So for you to get to work with Adam Ray is incredible. How about one more time for the kill Tony debut of Tony Caruso. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton? The drawing from Ryan J.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Belt is in.

[Red Band]

It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers did tonight. Oh, it's me. O LA la. Look at that. A dehydrated, hydrated me filled with testosterone and a lack of water. This episode's brought to you by Zip Recruiter and nicked nicotine pouches. That's nykd. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Everybody, I'm on tour. By the time this episode comes out, tickets will be on sale. I'm doing the Honda center center in Anaheim, California. A very big arena. I'm doing stand up there. Who knows, maybe some friends from LA will be able to make a little drive pop in. Who knows?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Red Band]

We'll see you talk to your buddy Adam for me. Put in a good word. It's gonna be amazing. I'm also doing the Maverick center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a bunch of other great places. Detroit, some casinos, big fans, fancy joints. All of it'[e-mail] or Ticketmaster.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's still, I think, a couple tickets available for the Kill Tonys in Nashville

[Red Band]

at the Bridgestone Arena April 4th and 5th. And a lot of other fun stuff. Red man, you know, William has a podcast called the William Montgomery show with our friend Casey Rocket. Check it out, guys. Yes. Yes. Support everyone in the Kill Tony family. We love you. We love you guys. You guys are the heart and soul of it all. Good night. Thank you. We love you. Goodbye, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's a legend in the comedy game.

[Red Band]

Took 12, 20 years off of stand

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

up, but he's back in the game now.

[Jim Norton]

20 years since I've been on stage. But it's time. It's time to get back to it. I'm gonna go give it a shot. Charts in the material. Here we go. Make some noise for Tony Caruso.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody.

[Red Band]

Tony,

[Jim Norton]

get back on the saddle, as they say, and see if that old horse still.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin,

[Peter Angelo]

Texas, is now open.

[Ryan Jack]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Red Band]

SA.