
Jim Norton, Tony Caruso (Adam Ray), Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 02/07/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Try VIIA! https://viia.co/TONY and use code TONY Protect your online privacy TODAY by visiting https://expressvpn.com/killtony. Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. Download the PRIZEPICKS app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup! https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Loading summary
Red Band
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, literally, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming standup dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, AKA Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets for sale now for my standup comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are@tony hinchcliff.com Right. Right now.
Cam Patterson
That's where we are.
Red Band
Hey, this is Red man coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yippee. Brian Redman. Hey, everybody. The best damn band in the land, everybody. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa on the horns, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums,
Tony Hinchcliffe
the mutilating. Matt Muling on the electric guitar.
Red Band
John Dee's on the keys. And that is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, the energy in here feels great. Before we get started, here's a little
Tony Hinchcliffe
bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?
Red Band
This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Nicked Nicotine Pouches and Zip Recruiter.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Every single, single week, I have one or two or three of the best possible guests. I look at it like a chemistry set. I know all these people. I know who goes well together and how to mix it. Tonight's two guest panel is one of the greatest comedians of all time and also a guy who's returning back into the comedy business after a very long hiatus. So what a perfect panel. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the greats. Make some fucking noise.
Red Band
For Jim Norton and Tony Caruso. Oh, yeah. Jim Norton. Tony Caruso's first time on Kill Tony. Wow. Tony Caruso. Jim Norton, welcome. Jim Norton is back. The only comedian to be on both Madison Square Garden episodes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely crushing.
Red Band
One of our favorite guests of all time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you.
Red Band
He's been on this show in LA multiple times. In Austin, in Las Vegas, Jim Norton,
Tony Hinchcliffe
one of the best comedians in the world.
Red Band
Jim Norton can't save you is available everywhere. It's a brand new show.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And joining the panel for the very
Red Band
first time ever in the show's entire history, Tony Caruso, ladies and gentlemen. Now, Tony, Wow, they really love you. I don't know how it's.
Dagan Asaha
I don't know what that was.
Jim Norton
I don't know what that was. I never shot a gun in my life.
Red Band
It seems like you come out on
Jim Norton
a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know, you have a giant. A giant approval from the audience, and many of them don't know anything about you. You are making your return into stand up comedy. You took a 20 year hiatus when your wife passed away.
Jim Norton
20 year hiatus. My wife died, RIP. I found out through text she had cancer or HPV or some. Whatever.
Frank DeMint
She.
Jim Norton
The bitch is dead. So I'm trying to get my life back on track. Good to see you, Red man. What do you brush your teeth with, Nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here.
Peter Angelo
But.
Jim Norton
But no, I'm a big fan of the show. And, you know, Kill Tony is a show to launch careers. It launched a lot of people. Is Hans Kim, you know, who, by the way, is. Who's about to start in the all Asian reboot of the Sandlot. Hans Kim is. He's gonna play squints. It's gonna be called the. The sand rot if you're an Asian guy. All right, I'm warming up here. But, Tony, if you're here, who's haunting the abandoned carnival down the street, huh? I'm warming up here. We're having a good time. You know, I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. I've been watching the show on YouTube. I've been watching on Facebook. I got Twitter. I got X. I got. I got something. I got something on my right now.
Red Band
Wow. Hit me.
Jim Norton
Hit me. Hit me one more time. Too hard. I got. I gotta. I got a pacemaker.
Red Band
Tony Caruso.
Jim Norton
I forgot what it was called.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But he's been making his return in
Red Band
the standard how to get back into it.
Jim Norton
Trying to get back on the wagon.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's been opening up for the great hall of fame. Kill Tony member Adam Ray all over
Jim Norton
the road doing some shows for him.
Red Band
So you can get tickets to see Tony Caruso @adam ray comedy.com. it is incredible.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You've been doing some work with Dr. Phil.
Red Band
I hear you're friends with Dr. Phil, friends with DP.
Jim Norton
Yeah, yeah, friends with DP. Yeah, we call him DP. But, you know, DP's got several meanings, you know, double pen. A double penetration. I'm just warming up here. I'm just warming up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Just warming up.
Jim Norton
But, Tony, it's good to see you. You look good.
Red Band
Thank you so much.
Jim Norton
You look like a vampire that only bites people with aids.
Red Band
Okay, okay. Come on, hit me.
Jim Norton
M. Little late. Little late.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I. I invite you to the show
Red Band
and this is how you treat me?
Jim Norton
I'm just trying to warm up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay?
Jim Norton
Doing the show, right?
Heidi
Warming up.
Jim Norton
Hey, look at that fact.
Red Band
Okay, well, I mean, she's.
Jim Norton
I watch your show. I watch your show.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I watch your show. Big fan.
Frank DeMint
Big fan.
Red Band
Okay. All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Good Lord almighty. Oh, okay. So, Tony, you know how this show works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to be here. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up, and you.
Red Band
The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it
Tony Hinchcliffe
up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We find out more about them, and everything is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?
Red Band
Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian performing tonight while we go wrangle your first bucket pool is a guy who's been
Tony Hinchcliffe
on the show only one other time in Las Vegas, Nevada, at Skankfest. He was my favorite comedian on the episode. And I told him that when he arrives to Austin, Texas, for his first time that he gets an automatic spot on this show. This is that show. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian. 60 seconds, uninterrupted, for the second time
Red Band
ever appearance of Peter Angelo, everybody.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Here we go.
Red Band
It's Peter Angelo.
Peter Angelo
What's going on, guys? What's going on? Who here likes rough sex? Who here likes rough sex with men? Just me. All right, cool. Yeah, I fuck a lot of dudes. It's weird. I get it. I look like this, but, like, I do. I enjoy rough sex. But the problem is I date guys who are, like, way smaller than me. And people think I date. I do that to throw them around like it's Cirque du Soleil. That's not the case. I want them to be the dominant one. Let them be in charge. But, like, for rough sex to be hot, there's gotta be that element of danger. I don't feel like I'm in danger. The average weight of the guys I sleep with is 150 pounds. I weigh 320. They can't even get their hands around my neck for me to feel like, they were in charge. I had to give them a weapon. And I'm not sucking dick at gunpoint again. It's a great family reunion. You think the natural solution is I be the dominant one? You know, I be in charge. But, like, I'm afraid I'm so much bigger, I'm gonna kill them. And now I'm like Gay Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Like, I didn't mean to kill the twink boy George. I just wanted to pet his butt. Thanks, guys. I'm Petrangelo.
Red Band
Petrangelo. Second ever time on the show.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Famously the least gay looking gay man
Red Band
ever in the show's history.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jim, you ever see anything like this before? I have.
Heidi
I've seen you before.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Heidi
And I enjoy you very much.
Peter Angelo
Oh, thank you.
Heidi
But you do seem more like a top. I'm not saying not disappointed. I'm just saying you seem like.
Peter Angelo
Yeah, everyone seems to be disappointed by it. I don't get like, oh, it's fine.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, cool.
Peter Angelo
Yeah, but like, I was for a long time, and then, you know, I got bored. I was like, all right, let them do the work.
Heidi
But that material is like, people are gonna think you're gay.
Red Band
Yeah, yeah.
Peter Angelo
It has been a drawback. Like, not many ladies coming around now. No.
Jim Norton
When. When you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on? Like, is it okay? Is it you go, all right, like, like, butt stuff. Yeah, you gotta.
Peter Angelo
Yeah, rip them right off.
Jim Norton
Yeah.
Peter Angelo
Pants off, sleeves off, gone.
Jim Norton
All right. That's all I got.
Red Band
Absolutely.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Peter, remind us all, where do you live again?
Peter Angelo
I live in New York City right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long have you lived in New York?
Peter Angelo
About three years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And what do you do for work?
Peter Angelo
I was a truck driver. Now it's comedy.
Frank DeMint
Yeah.
Peter Angelo
Thank you, lady. But now I teach people to throw axes.
Red Band
Oh, wow.
Peter Angelo
I'm an ax throwing instructor.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Straight jobs.
Red Band
Even your jobs are straight. I drop trucks and I teach people to throw axes.
Jim Norton
And I take dicks in my butt.
Red Band
Like, it doesn't make any sense.
Jim Norton
Great impression of them.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's incredible. It is.
Heidi
Throws the axes at vaginas.
Peter Angelo
Not another one. God damn it.
Jim Norton
Get away from me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely incredible. Larry the Cable gay.
Red Band
Yeah, yeah, get him done.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Have you always been gay? How old were you when you knew you were gay?
Peter Angelo
I was a teenager. I would say teenager. And just.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Was there a moment? Is there something that happens? Are you, like, looking at a porno mag and you're like, me, just like, dick or something like that?
Peter Angelo
I think so, honestly, you know, the Internet was coming around. I just Started typing in gay and just wanted to check it out.
Frank DeMint
Yeah.
Peter Angelo
I was like, maybe this is for me.
Jim Norton
What was the first thing you saw that you were like, oh, how do I get to do that? You know, it's a butthole.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Red Band
So it's what he saw, and he
Tony Hinchcliffe
wanted to do that.
Peter Angelo
Feminine man. And I was like, all right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, that.
Peter Angelo
And then moved on from there.
Cam Patterson
How do you.
Jim Norton
How do you. And then how you. Will you go to your parents? You go, hey, how do I get to More buttholes in my life?
Tony Hinchcliffe
When did you.
Peter Angelo
My dad was like, become a trucker? Truck stops. There you go.
Red Band
When did you. When did your parents find out you were gay? How did they know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
When do you think they caught on?
Peter Angelo
I'm not sure because, like, I would say not that I told them. They weren't positive. My brother knew right away because he kept taking my computer before I could erase the search history.
Jim Norton
Oh, and your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick because my account got hacked. What the. Is that black guy, that other black guy for?
Tony Hinchcliffe
And your brother let you know that he knows?
Peter Angelo
Oh, yeah, yeah. He didn't.
Red Band
Did he keep it a secret?
Peter Angelo
Yeah, he did.
Red Band
He didn't.
Peter Angelo
He didn't care at all. He didn't bother.
Heidi
I like how vague you are with your searches too. Like, just gay. There's a. I'll look at it. I don't care. We'll figure it out.
Peter Angelo
Yeah, it was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jim Norton
What should we have a Internet just started.
Peter Angelo
I don't know.
Heidi
Do you remember the first time you blew a guy?
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Heidi
Where was it?
Red Band
Yeah, tell us about it. Paint the picture for us.
Jim Norton
Stone cold.
Peter Angelo
Like, what a way to kick off the show. I was. It was. I was at my house. I invited someone over. I thought he was. I had an inkling he was also gay, and I was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hold on.
Red Band
What was the inquiring, by the way?
Peter Angelo
I don't know anyone who doesn't look like.
Frank DeMint
Like me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't like.
Red Band
Right.
Peter Angelo
Most people, I think are gay. He's over your house, hoping it was like, oh, do you want to watch porn? Yeah, but I'm porn. And then. Yeah. Are you saying what, like a bunch of guys haven't watched porn with their friends and just tried to touch it once? Like, no, no.
Jim Norton
Just a gay guy thing.
Red Band
Yeah, that is.
Jim Norton
What the. Are you talking.
Red Band
Yeah, fuck that.
Jim Norton
I am not a gay guy.
Peter Angelo
I won't even look at a guy.
Jim Norton
It's all good. Hey, hey. Agree to disagree. Agree, disagree.
Peter Angelo
And then just like, oh, what is.
Heidi
You know, did you make a serious move on him or did you try joking your way into joking?
Peter Angelo
I think it was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Ryan Jack
That's hard.
Peter Angelo
No, it was like. It was like, you know, hands are how you can't tell a difference in a guy's hand and a girl's hand.
Heidi
Like that kind of. You held his hand? No.
Peter Angelo
Stroking his cock.
Heidi
That's less gay than holding his hand.
Red Band
Yeah, I'm not that gay.
Peter Angelo
That's fag shit.
Heidi
Yeah, I'm starting.
Jim Norton
Both of those are T shirts. I'm not that gay if that's fact. A great T shirt. Now, when you touched it, was it. Are you still friends with a guy who you jerked? Is he gay too now?
Frank DeMint
Yeah.
Jim Norton
Oh, that's kind of sweet.
Peter Angelo
Yeah. Yeah, we're still friends. We reminisce about it.
Jim Norton
Do you really?
Peter Angelo
Yeah, once in a while. We are still friends.
Red Band
Yeah.
Jim Norton
It's great.
Heidi
What's he do for work?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's a good question.
Peter Angelo
Coding.
Heidi
Coding?
Peter Angelo
Yeah, like data show coding.
Red Band
You with his comp.
Jim Norton
That was funny.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How's New York City treating you? Where did you live before Vegas?
Peter Angelo
No, Connecticut.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, Connecticut.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. And you're in the middle of New York City now.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's that like for you? How do you. What do you do there to have fun?
Peter Angelo
A lot of metal concerts go to raves sometimes. I'm training to be a pro wrestler.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really?
Heidi
Profession for you?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Stone cold Steve Aidsey over here.
Red Band
What's your.
Peter Angelo
Hasn't kicked in yet.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's your wrestling character?
Peter Angelo
Yeah, it's a big doom.
Jack McWilliams
Ah.
Red Band
Wow. Yeah.
Heidi
Yeah, the.
Peter Angelo
Yeah, and I'm a gay trucker who hates straight people.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, so it's pretty.
Peter Angelo
Pretty much just me.
Jim Norton
Do we get to find out what you're transporting? That. You said you drive trucks, right? So what are you taking across state? Like, what are you taking from? Like, what if you drove a truck today?
Peter Angelo
Are we talking about character? What I actually did as a trucker.
Jim Norton
Can I finish my sentence for a second? Are you. So what for are you. You're a real truck driver?
Peter Angelo
I was.
Jim Norton
Yeah. So you were. Yeah. So what were you driving in the truck? If you were taking a truck from like Austin to Dallas, what would be in the truck?
Peter Angelo
Steel pipe.
Jim Norton
Yeah.
Red Band
Wow.
Jim Norton
Was that the name of the guy you want? Suck it up. I'm warming up. I'm warming up.
Heidi
Did you mean to haul that or did you say put some pipe in the rear? And they went, okay. And then just.
Jim Norton
Yeah, that's better.
Peter Angelo
They knew I could handle it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, you could take a big load.
Red Band
Peter, what's something that we would be surprised to know about you? There's the fart noise for the episode out early tonight. Seven minutes in red band is red banning.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Before we let you go, something that would surprise us about you.
Peter Angelo
I recently just did comedy in China.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. We're talking about the female wrestler. Okay. Found the most manly woman you could. Have you ever been with a woman?
Peter Angelo
Long time ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And tell us about that. What was it like?
Peter Angelo
So it was a taste.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What happens when a gay guy touches a vagina?
Peter Angelo
I mean, if you're a bitch, you're like, eh. But I'm like, whatever, let's try it.
Red Band
Okay.
Peter Angelo
But, yeah, I met this, like, punk rock couple as a bisexual guy. This is great. Is my dad here? No. All right.
Red Band
No, he was. He left.
Peter Angelo
Yeah, it's fine.
Red Band
Like, I had no goddamn idea. Jesus Christ, Peter. And your brother kept it secret from me.
Heidi
No, he's on Grindr, too. He doesn't want to bump into him.
Peter Angelo
I met this. I met a guy at this party. He was bi. He invited me to, like, you know, hook up with him and his girl. So, you know, they started blowing me. I tried fucking her a little bit, and then he fucked her, and I just fucked him while he.
Quinn Pastura
Her.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When you say.
Jim Norton
I'm going to need you to write that down. I'm sorry, but I was here then. I was here then. Somebody was inside somebody. What are you doing? A circle. What the was that?
Tony Hinchcliffe
So when you say you tried to her, I mean, there it is, right? It's warm, it's wet.
Red Band
It's a whole.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Explain, like, what happens. And you're just like.
Peter Angelo
For me, I was just. I was like, all right, I. That's enough.
Fiona Cauley
All right?
Peter Angelo
I want. I was like, all right, this. I want to. I want to him. That's why I showed up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right?
Peter Angelo
You know, so.
Red Band
Right.
Heidi
Did it feel good, though? Did it turn you on? Or were you like, ah, there's no in here, Right?
Red Band
Yeah, that's the part I don't get. That's exactly right. I don't get it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Because if it's warm and it's moist and it works, and there's like, you could. The dude's still there, right? So it's like.
Peter Angelo
I was just. I. I wanted to fuck the other person. I just wanted to give. That's what. I was there for it. And I just tried it. I was like, hey, this is fine. I'm going on to the asshole now.
Heidi
So the guy in the middle, you're Him. While he. His wife.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Heidi
Was he just going? Thank you. You're welcome.
Red Band
Thank you.
Heidi
You're welcome. Thank you.
Jim Norton
Yeah.
Peter Angelo
It was the weirdest seesaw ever.
Heidi
What's his name? Lucky devil.
Red Band
Taketh and giveth.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, Peter, you got. Tonight's episode started with a bang. Congratulations.
Frank DeMint
Thank you.
Peter Angelo
Thank you for having me.
Red Band
Are you in town Thursday?
Peter Angelo
Yeah, yeah, I'm here all month.
Red Band
Well, there you go. You're doing the secret show.
Peter Angelo
Oh, awesome. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. Enjoy the rest.
Red Band
Petra Angelo, his second time ever on the show, he was pulled out of the Bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada. And now our first bucket pool of the night. Wow. You know what that sound means? Heidi is here, everyone. The lovely Heidi. Absolutely incredible.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There she is.
Red Band
One more time for Heidi, everyone. All right. To the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. We're gonna meet them all together. This is where we've met all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Quinn Pastura, ladies and gentlemen. Quinn Pastura.
Quinn Pastura
That's way too tall for me. I know what a lot of you guys were thinking. You know? You heard of Al at the end of my name, you're like, he's Italian. And you're right, unfortunately, I know a lot of people know stereotypes about Italians, something like that. They always do something like that. And I was talking to a fellow the other day. He started doing Italian stereotypes. He started telling me. I was like, oh, what else do you know about Italians? Teach me about Italians, you wise man. He goes, well, you know, the first thing I know about Italians is they get really upset about things. And I started yelling at him. I got fucking pissed. I was like, hey, dude, you can't. We don't get upset about things. We get very passionate about things, okay? So cool your jets, dude. What else do you know about Italians? What the fuck else do you know about Italians? And he goes, oh, the other thing I know about Italians is that they're all really good cooks. And I felt like a jackass for inviting this guy to my dinner party. I swear to God, I was cooking for a racist.
Jim Norton
This was terrible.
Quinn Pastura
And this is the real kicker. He had to bend over about a foot. Cause I'm only five foot six. And he goes, the other thing I know about you little Italian bastards is you're all criminals. And I swear to God, I would have cooked this guy's ass if I wasn't a felon. Okay?
Red Band
Quinn Pasteura, ladies and gentlemen, He's Italian.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's Italian.
Red Band
Hi, Quinn.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How are you?
Quinn Pastura
I'm doing excellent.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How old are you?
Quinn Pastura
26.
Red Band
26.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where are you from?
Quinn Pastura
Kentucky.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. And are you visiting here? You still live in Kentucky?
Quinn Pastura
I live here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Quinn Pastura
Been here for six months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long have you lived? Six months?
Quinn Pastura
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And what do you do for work?
Quinn Pastura
I work at a bar over on E6.
Red Band
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do at the bar?
Quinn Pastura
I am a lowly doorman. Check IDs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Very interesting. And how long have you been doing stand up?
Quinn Pastura
About a year and a half.
Tony Hinchcliffe
A year and a half. And you've lived here for six months?
Jack McWilliams
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You think that's your best minute that you just did?
Quinn Pastura
I thought so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Heidi
Well, it's hard, honestly. The business is overrun with Kentucky Italians.
Cam Patterson
Yeah,
Tony Hinchcliffe
yeah, yeah. So I'm Italian. I know for a fact Tony Caruso is Italian.
Jim Norton
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
2 Tony. This is an episode of Kill Tony's. I found it all kind of if. Let's just say that if it was an Italian dish, it would be a marinara with no garlic, no onion, no seasoning, really. Just mashed tomatoes, if you will.
Quinn Pastura
I mean, I'm German, too, so that kind of fits, I guess. My German salad was coming out okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
Jim Norton
Yeah, I would have. I would have rather watched a set from Chef Boyardee. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Was that guy, by the way, you know, that guy who screamed out during your. He was like, oh, who was that guy?
Quinn Pastura
I couldn't even hear. I. I. Was there a real Italian in here somewhere?
Tony Hinchcliffe
There was somebody that in immediately heckled you. There was a man in the audience that recognized.
Heidi
It is hard to believe we always
Quinn Pastura
have to be the audience. Our problem.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Heidi
So it's a little slow, I think.
Ryan Jack
A little slow.
Heidi
You're a little tentative. Next time, you might want to come out just a little bit more, get to a punchline a little fast.
Assan Ahmad
That's.
Heidi
That's all. It's a little quicker if you can.
Quinn Pastura
Okay.
Heidi
You meandered just a bit, but I understand you were getting to it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's figure out more about you, Quinn, stuff you could talk about, because you're just talking about the most broad of all broad things, which is being Italian, which is hard for even an Italian to talk about because it's broad. Right. It's old.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We cook. Yeah. There's.
Peter Angelo
There's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's some crime. Right.
Quinn Pastura
Try not to get too niche.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right.
Quinn Pastura
I've been doing Slaughterhouse 5 jokes for the last week, but those haven't been hitting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's that mean? What does that mean?
Quinn Pastura
It's a book that most of us read in junior of high school. But that's why I kind of had to stop doing it, because a lot of people I figured out didn't do it. I didn't do it either. I just read it last week.
Jim Norton
What's. What's the plot of this? The Slaughterhouse.
Quinn Pastura
So it's a crazy.
Jim Norton
I was just joking. I was just joking.
Red Band
So, Quinn, tell us something about your real life.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like, what are you into?
Red Band
What are some hobbies, some passions of yours?
Quinn Pastura
I mean, just like every. Just like every other nerd. I like history. I'm very big into it. I was one of the first guys at my university to major in cannabis history. Surprise, surprise, he's a pothead. It's pretty sick. I did my whole research project on the Emerald Triangle and, like, the boom and bust cycle in it. I got to do some really cool interviews and explore up there. And then there's some, like, wacko taco bullshit that, like, you guys know about, like, the Carthaginians and stuff.
Red Band
The what?
Quinn Pastura
The Carthaginians. Oh, this is like a deep dive. We need to do a deep dive. You guys want to hear some?
Jim Norton
No, we're all right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But, yeah, we did.
Jim Norton
But. You smoke weed? Yep.
Quinn Pastura
Yeah.
Jim Norton
How much. How much weed do you smoke a day? Like, and what do you do? Do you work while you're high or.
Quinn Pastura
Usually not.
Jim Norton
Yeah, it's just kind of a nighttime thing or what?
Quinn Pastura
Yeah, typically.
Jim Norton
Have you had a really bad trip on pot? Like, any fun stories there?
Quinn Pastura
Oh, yeah, there's one show around here. It's called Can I. Can I tag another show? Am I allowed to do that?
Heidi
Well, I don't know.
Red Band
Come on, say something funny before you start promoting things. I get two fucking high shout outs
Tony Hinchcliffe
to all my projects.
Quinn Pastura
Oh, no, I was just saying I got too high there all the time because you make it too high. And every time I do it, just like now I'm like, should I move to Austin? Am I freaking out? That's my favorite thing about pot. I could smoke it, you know, I used to hook it all the time. I could tell myself I'm not an addict. I was an addict. It was unfortunate.
Heidi
Talk to me about the Carthaginians. I want to know what the Carthaginians are and if we have disagreeable theories on them.
Quinn Pastura
Okay, so I think they were all
Heidi
fat homosexual truckers that actually.
Quinn Pastura
No, that. That checks out. They did travel the world. They did do Trade. They came to North America? I think. So what's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's the trashiest thing you ever saw in all your years in Kentucky?
Quinn Pastura
The trashiest thing I've ever seen in all my years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You were in Kentucky. You know what it is?
Jim Norton
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What was it? Anything? Yes.
Quinn Pastura
I don't know. There's a lot. I live next to a Greyhound station, so there's like a constant amount of cars going down and out of there. That was pretty tough. So my dad's car go in there once.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You saw your dad's car go into where?
Quinn Pastura
The Greyhound station.
Heidi
There's a. Buses or dogs.
Red Band
Well, there was a guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head. This interview is so rough. Guy just fucking. This is rough.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Quinn, did someone in Kentucky tell you that you're funny and that you should move?
Quinn Pastura
That's the scariest part.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, God. What? What's the answer?
Quinn Pastura
Yeah, I don't think so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No one did. This was your own.
Quinn Pastura
Oh, no. People did tell me I was funny. But okay, again, it's Kentucky, and so we don't have good education there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right?
Red Band
Right.
Jim Norton
Do you. Do you recognize that song?
Quinn Pastura
I do, yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Your parents white trash? They Kentucky trash?
Quinn Pastura
No. They're pretty cool.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do they do for work?
Quinn Pastura
My dad, he. It does accounting for a pressure washing firm. So that actually is pretty tra. Yeah, Pretty trash.
Red Band
Pressure washing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's got his hands full of water
Quinn Pastura
and then my mom. Oh, God. She does it for a waste management company.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. So that's pressure washing and waste management.
Red Band
Wow.
Quinn Pastura
This was a waste.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And then you are a door guy on 6th Street.
Heidi
I am.
Quinn Pastura
Did you enjoy going there, though? You were there like two weeks ago.
Jim Norton
Oh, you got a stalker, Tony. You got a stalker.
Red Band
Where was I? Here we go. This is what people do when their interviews suck. You walked by me. No, no, no, no.
Quinn Pastura
I wasn't there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I wasn't there. I don't. I have no. Well, what?
Frank DeMint
I don't know.
Quinn Pastura
Maybe you remembered spots that you go. I don't.
Jim Norton
Did you?
Red Band
Maybe I do. I don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's the name of the place at the Liberty. I wasn't at the Liberty. You're saying I walked by the Liberty?
Quinn Pastura
No, no, I. I. Like, I was doing sound and doing a show over at narar, but this
Jim Norton
is like a weird Craigless misconnection. Yeah, you were walking by the Liberty.
Red Band
I was jerking off onto a, like the craziest tradition. When people really, really bomb as hard as they can, they go, I saw you once on the sidewalk you remember?
Cam Patterson
No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No. Dude, how would that. How would that stand out? Did somebody tell you I was inside of the bar that you work at?
Quinn Pastura
Yeah, it was you and Ari. They said they literally, like, named you. They're like, hey, they were here last night.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ari Shafir.
Quinn Pastura
Yeah, there's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's a 00% chance that that happened.
Red Band
The Liberty.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Red Band
Okay, we got it.
Quinn Pastura
I mean, I didn't see you. I was just told, so I.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're just trying to start a little conversation here.
Frank DeMint
Yeah, yeah.
Jim Norton
And we also landed on the.
Quinn Pastura
Obviously, nothing else is working out.
Red Band
Unbelievable. One of the dumbest things someone can do is just reference.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You remember. Remember a couple weeks ago, you weren't even there.
Quinn Pastura
I know.
Heidi
What kind of bar is the Liberty?
Quinn Pastura
It's like a little die bar.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, okay.
Quinn Pastura
Yeah, it's pretty sick.
Assan Ahmad
All right.
Quinn Pastura
Yeah, it's a good time.
Peter Angelo
What's.
Cam Patterson
Okay.
Jim Norton
I ask one question before he leaves. What's the. What's like the. The biggest thing in Kentucky. You go to Kentucky, it say, tony goes back to Kentucky. What?
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's nothing.
Jim Norton
There's nothing.
Red Band
There's. And I. I have to go across
Quinn Pastura
the river to Cincinnati for there to be something, and there's hardly anything there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Here's a little joke book. You're going to catch it. There you go.
Red Band
Quinn Pastura. For the love of God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What?
Red Band
Ladies and gentlemen, this is very, very exciting. I pulled the name out of the bucket of a young man who works here all the time. This is very special.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I have no idea if he's even
Red Band
ever seen signed up before.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I think maybe he's been on this show in la. It's been a long time. Either way you slice it. Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known
Red Band
this is a new minute from Assan Ahmad. Everybody. Make some noise for Assan. Everybody.
Assan Ahmad
So Israel and Palestine just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them. The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which take the context of everything that happened outside of it away. That does sound like a great day with the boys. You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in a cave. Just.
Cam Patterson
Abdul.
Assan Ahmad
Get the paragliders just like it.
Jim Norton
Holy Abdul.
Cam Patterson
It's working.
Red Band
It's working.
Assan Ahmad
Just two flags on your paraguide or one Palestinian that says Saturdays are for the boys. You know, just committing a terrorist attack to a rave, to techno. Just dig it. Dig it. That. That was Sandstorm by Darud, in case you missed it.
Red Band
I don't Know, I've been Asanamad Hasan Ahmad. Oh, my God. Wow. Coming up here, cleaning up after a bore of Kentucky.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy.
Assan Ahmad
You know what's funny? He was talking about the Liberty and I was like, tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shafir the night of the picture.
Red Band
Wait, no, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. You're being funny. That was not it.
Jim Norton
That was one of.
Red Band
That was the White horse.
Assan Ahmad
The picture was that one.
Red Band
Liberty's west. We went east.
Assan Ahmad
Okay, okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I thought Liberty's east.
Red Band
Oh, okay. Maybe we were. We were on a bar crawl. That's what Ari wanted to do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Which one was the Liberty?
Red Band
I have no idea, but I know that's what the Liberty.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Real quick.
Red Band
There's no way isn't the Liberty west. It's east. I was there. The poor guy. I'm like you. You're not funny. Get the out of here. Oh, it's Stephanie's. Just blatantly east. Same street, but that way. It is literally just five minutes. Just due east on six side of the road. My location is still there. I'm still at the Liberty. There's a blue dot. Holy. The poor guy. The poor guy. Well, now he's going to be a hero. Quinn. Just hear the Internet. Quinn, your comedy sucked. But dude, you got Tony good
Jim Norton
geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony H. Cliff.
Red Band
Ari Shafir absolutely insisted that to celebrate
Tony Hinchcliffe
his special tape, a special release on Netflix, he wanted to go east and do a shot and a drink at every single. Do I talk about this last week?
Frank DeMint
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And God, we had. We. Yeah, that was one of those nights.
Assan Ahmad
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hassan, you were along with us and we had a blast.
Assan Ahmad
Yeah, he was right. Yeah, he was right.
Red Band
It ended up working out.
Heidi
You're so funny, man. That making that stuff funny.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That, that attack.
Heidi
That is great. Really. It's so odd. I love the angle you took. To hear a Jew say that.
Jim Norton
Is going to be my. My new catchphrase. We go havesies on it.
Assan Ahmad
You can have it. It's yours. You're a legend.
Frank DeMint
All right.
Jim Norton
You guys heard it. It was really funny. Yeah, you're very sharp. You're very quick. I like the pace. Yeah, it's great.
Assan Ahmad
Thank you.
Jack McWilliams
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Assan. Always killing it. Always part of the actual scene here. I mean, the equivalent to like a high level Comedy store paid regular. You are the equivalent to here. One of the first people from LA to move here with your homie and podcast co host Derek Poston, who we all love.
Red Band
You've actually been the one man panel
Tony Hinchcliffe
on an episode in 2022.
Assan Ahmad
I've been on the panel three times, but I had this Israel Palestine joke and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it. I'll sign up for Kill Tony.
Red Band
Love happens.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it when my buddies sign up for the show and are lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket. Happened with Matt Edgar a few weeks ago. And now you. What else is going on in life, Hassan? What have you been learning? You're kind of like a. How long you been doing this?
Assan Ahmad
Oh, 12 years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
12 years. And that's at a Comedy store level. You are a former Comedy store door guy.
Assan Ahmad
Oh, yeah. I watch. I watched this. I watched it. I started working when this show was in the Belly room.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Y.
Assan Ahmad
The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing. So I was like, when I get up here, just start the joke.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You only have a minute.
Assan Ahmad
Why waste the time?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Exactly. You are absolutely correct.
Jim Norton
How does your hair go like that? Come on. We're all thinking it. Well, you're fun, you're funny, you're funny. But like, what the.
Assan Ahmad
The grace of Allah?
Jim Norton
I ain't that phrase too.
Red Band
You got a little Gaza Strip right down the middle there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is unbelievable.
Jim Norton
Holy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Reminds me of the bar, the Liberty. It's. I love it. Son, what else is going on? Tell us something else crazy about your life before. Before we get you out of here.
Assan Ahmad
I. Huh?
Quinn Pastura
Something.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I mean, I've taken you to your homeland, San Jose, right?
Red Band
Well, yeah, not his homeland.
Assan Ahmad
Sand Jose.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, I like that. And I've met your adorable parents. Your tiny, tiny, absolutely adorable, little, super tiny parents. I mean, they are just the cutest
Red Band
things you've ever seen.
Assan Ahmad
I do have the most adorable, adorable parents.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They really are. You're like a giant compared to them.
Assan Ahmad
Yeah, I'm. I am five six. And I'm six inches taller than both of them. Yeah, I'm the tall guy in my family. It's crazy.
Heidi
They bring you home free chocolate after work every day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They are very, very short, yet somehow they are both 711 and 911
Red Band
is incredible. For those of you that don't know, Hasan is the new head of the FBI. I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to that.
Assan Ahmad
Watch out, Mexicans.
Frank DeMint
I'm coming.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's right.
Red Band
That's right. It's gonna sneak right up on you people. He's brown too.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What can brown do for you? Okay, Hassan. So much fun. Great. Stuff, as always. I'll see you tomorrow. We'll do it again.
Red Band
We do stand up together all the time. One of the best. One of the best comedians around. Killing it. Growing. Thriving. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake Kennedy. Time for Jake Kennedy. Make some noise for Jake, everybody.
Jake Kennedy
I come from your typical, normal sized family. You know, my sister's six foot, my mom's six foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me. Really stunted my growth growing up. Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special. I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp. Said, mom, I already get bullied, you know, so, nevertheless, I went and. It's exactly what you guys are thinking. They gather all the little people from all the little villages, they put them in a ring and we fight to the death. You know, it's a cruel world. My girlfriend just dumped me. I was talking to a buddy about it and just telling him how, you know, I was coming in between her career goals, you know, and he just looked at me and said, dude, that bitch works at Applebee's. Nevertheless, don't call her a. She doesn't like that. That's my time, okay?
Red Band
Hell, yeah. Jake Kennedy, welcome to the show.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is your first time on, right?
Jake Kennedy
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Welcome. Jim Norton. What do you.
Heidi
I just. I'm. Your son. Was just out here. You were really.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You are adorable. I can't tell whether you're a little person or a huge. What is the actual deal?
Jake Kennedy
I know, I know you like to gu. What do you think I have?
Red Band
That sucks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ism.
Jake Kennedy
Down syndrome.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What is it?
Jake Kennedy
I have dwarfism or herpes? It's dwarf.
Heidi
You can have both.
Jake Kennedy
Who you been talking to? No, I have a disease called spondylo epi. Metaphysical dysplasia.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Tell us what that is exactly in
Jake Kennedy
a bunch of words. It's like, I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Whoa.
Jake Kennedy
So I actually.
Jim Norton
What the, Red man?
Peter Angelo
What the.
Jim Norton
Literally, the worst sound effect you could have played right there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's party time.
Red Band
Spiked Bones.
Jim Norton
That is a great band name.
Red Band
All right, all right, Right.
Heidi
Is that really what you have?
Jake Kennedy
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heidi
Or is there, like, a really short mailman that your father hates?
Jake Kennedy
I don't ask questions.
Jim Norton
How. How tall are you? Like, 5?
Jake Kennedy
5 2?
Tony Hinchcliffe
5 2, 5, 2. What do you do for a living?
Red Band
We've had a guy that loves hanging
Tony Hinchcliffe
out in chocolate factories. Peter Angelo was On earlier. That's an joke, by the way, because he's a fat gay guy. All right, back to you.
Jim Norton
You're dressed like a baby swim coach.
Red Band
It is adorable.
Jim Norton
That's a tough gig to get. So that's not an insult.
Red Band
Very tiny. Very tiny Soprano. Yeah, tiny soprano forever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
21 inches.
Red Band
I love this get up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're.
Red Band
You're absolutely a cutie pie. This is how people like dress. Teddy bears and up to your chest King.
Jake Kennedy
This is the most compliments I've ever gotten. So I want to thank you guys.
Quinn Pastura
You take.
Jim Norton
You're taking it in stride. That's a compliment. Now what. What do you. What do you. So what did you. What do you ask?
Red Band
I asked the question. This guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ever since you started working with that Dr. Phil character, you have this new
Red Band
hosty thing that you try.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So what do you. What do you.
Jim Norton
What do you. What do you.
Red Band
What?
Tony Hinchcliffe
We're watching you think about the question.
Red Band
Question.
Jim Norton
All right. All right, I'll pick him up.
Red Band
No. Oh, he's got spiked bones. Be careful. Wait a second. Oh my God. Oh my God. I bet you he's heavy. I could tell by the look. I can tell by the look on Tony Caruso's face. This motherfucker's heavier than he thought he'd be. That's a dead weight.
Jim Norton
I think I got spooked.
Cam Patterson
Spike bones.
Jim Norton
I fucked that up. Edit it out, Yoni.
Red Band
Two Tonys and a spike boney. This is a party in here tonight. Jake Kennedy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long you been doing?
Red Band
Stand up.
Jake Kennedy
This is my first time ever, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow, look at that.
Red Band
That's a good first time. The goat of the first time. How old are you?
Jake Kennedy
25.
Tony Hinchcliffe
25 years old.
Red Band
Absolutely adorable. The 25 years old.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I guess the math works.
Red Band
He has the body of a 12
Tony Hinchcliffe
year old in the face of a 4. A 40 year old. This is incredible. You just gotta do the math.
Red Band
Divide it by two, figure it out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do for work, Jake Kennedy?
Jake Kennedy
I'm a violinist.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're a professional violinist? Do you play?
Jake Kennedy
Yeah. No, no.
Red Band
He can't reach the notes up there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That left hand.
Red Band
He needs a tiny little cello.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's the tiniest? Even a harmonica is a two handed adventure for you. I cannot picture you. You professionally play the violin for a living. Where can people see you?
Jake Kennedy
I work on a pirate ship.
Red Band
Hold on.
Jim Norton
Holy.
Red Band
Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm just gonna say that you do it.
Quinn Pastura
You do it.
Jim Norton
We'll be right back. And now I'm mean, you're like the movie Jack, you know, have you seen the movie Jack?
Quinn Pastura
No.
Jim Norton
All right, edit this out, Yoni.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. So when did you start playing the violin?
Jake Kennedy
When I was 10.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. And look at you now. You make a good living doing that.
Jake Kennedy
I can sustain myself, kind of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jake Kennedy
You know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where's this. How far is your violin from here?
Jake Kennedy
Right now it's at my house in. I'm on East 10th.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, in which.
Jim Norton
Well.
Red Band
Jesus Christ.
Jim Norton
Keep it in, Yoni. Keep it in.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How far away? How many minutes away is it like?
Jake Kennedy
I have an electric bike, so, like, 10 minutes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Can you hop on your electric bike,
Red Band
go grab your violin, and then we'll close out the episode with a little song from Jake Kennedy. Is that okay? Here, take this on your way. There you go.
Frank DeMint
Don't.
Red Band
Don't let it crush you, Jake Kennedy. Hey, you know what?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know what?
Red Band
It's only fitting. Jesus Christ, Tony, sit the down. It's only fitting you get a little joke book, too. Jake Kennedy has arrived. He will be back in a little bit. A very little, tiny bit. Oh, my goodness. Jake Kennedy. Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How adorable is Jake Kennedy.
Red Band
I cannot wait to see him play a tiny little violin later.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What was this gonna be?
Red Band
That's like, a thing, though. He probably plays the world's smallest violin.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's like a figure of speech.
Red Band
We're gonna do it tonight.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's gonna take his little tiny electric
Red Band
scooter, and everyone in the city is gonna be like, look at that happy little guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's he so happy about? He's out there like a little rubber ducky, and he's gonna be smiling ear to ear, hopefully makes it back okay all in one piece.
Red Band
He's out there riding around on these
Tony Hinchcliffe
streets with spiked bones, taking a chance. He's just out there like a little fucking absolutely adorable thing.
Red Band
All right, let's get back to this bucket, and then we'll get a regular up here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it.
Red Band
We're meeting them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted for four. Frank DeMint. Frank DeMint had some fun bucket pulls tonight.
Peter Angelo
Hi, y'.
Red Band
All.
Frank DeMint
My name's Frank DeMint. I realize I sound like the love child of Barbara Waters and Mike Tyson. Something between the Bishop on Princess Bride and Berry Cryptia, Big Bang Theory, and maybe a little bit of Elmer Fuddy. Where's that rascally rabbit? My mother, she didn't help me out much. She named my brother Nick. I can pronounce Nick. She names me Frank, but it could have been worse. It could have been Francis or Francisco. Or worse of all, Roy. How about if my last name had been O'? Wally? Roy O'Reilly and his brother Corey? What a disaster that would have been. Who is the asshole that put the ass in Lisp? I think it was Shakespeare. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Motherfucker. And who's the asshole over at Apple that came up with Siri, Huh? There's some pothead computer geek thinking of a guy like me saying, siri, where is Wiley White, the real white? Siri, where is your British rumble room and rotisserie? Siri? We're with Sally Seashell. She shack, Motherfucker.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Motherfucker.
Red Band
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna cut you off before that bear interrupts you. Frank DeMint has arrived. To the kill Tony universe.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy shit.
Red Band
Oh, my God. Where do I even begin?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is absolutely incredible. You keep the last comedian in that little pocket on the front of your shirt.
Red Band
Our comedy duo.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely incredible. Frank, I have about 2 million questions
Red Band
for you right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's just get it going. First I want to check and see Jim Norton. What do you think?
Heidi
I, I, I, I have loved you ever since you threw Mama from the train.
Red Band
Thank you. That's a reference.
Frank DeMint
I love the deserved it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is incredible.
Jim Norton
Yeah. Speaking of mama, you look like the mom from the Goonies. Yeah, that's a compliment. That's a great part.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is incredible. You look like such a character. You're built for comedy. How long you been doing it?
Frank DeMint
Going on six years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, where at? Where exactly? What?
Red Band
New Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio. Holy.
Jim Norton
Did you ever walk by a bar and see Tony Inchcliffe?
Red Band
Very good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So Columbus, Ohio. You still live there?
Frank DeMint
I actually live in Kingston, Ohio.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Frank DeMint
Which is about an hour south of Columbus.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Kingston. Yeah.
Frank DeMint
Neil Chillicothe. I know you're from Youngstown.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love your delivery system. This is absolutely incredible. You're such a likable guy. How do you make a living?
Frank DeMint
I'm retired, currently.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are you retired?
Frank DeMint
I practiced medicine for 27 years.
Red Band
You were a doctor?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, I was.
Red Band
Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Wait, can you imagine?
Jim Norton
All right, here's the scene.
Red Band
All right, It's. I just got. My whole system just got overloaded. I'm so glad you're here right now.
Jim Norton
I love you, Tony. Here we go.
Red Band
All right, hold on now.
Jim Norton
Were the patients. You gotta tell us that we both got aids. Okay. Yeah, Red van, hit me with some hospital music.
Red Band
There's no real hospital music. Okay, here we go. All right. Very good. Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Hello, Doctor. Yes, we've been waiting for your arrival.
Jim Norton
It's been a long wait.
Red Band
By the way, me and my husband.
Frank DeMint
I know, it sucks.
Red Band
Oh God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Gee, this is not good.
Jim Norton
This is not good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Jim Norton
You're a doctor. Are you the only doctor?
Frank DeMint
I'm it.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Red Band
You're. Oh my God.
Jim Norton
What do we have?
Frank DeMint
You have age.
Red Band
Oh. Oh my God. This is wiwi. Woo. Bad news.
Dagan Asaha
Oh
Red Band
my good.
Jim Norton
Can you say that's all folks for me?
Frank DeMint
Oh, folks for you. What?
Jim Norton
Can you. Never mind.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Frank DeMint
Okay.
Jim Norton
Looney Tunes reference.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So Frank, you were like a general doctor?
Frank DeMint
Yeah. Family.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You were Dr. Frank Dement?
Frank DeMint
That's correct.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy. That is incredible. Did you always have your hair like that and facial hair? This is more of a retired look.
Frank DeMint
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Were you ever married? You ever have kids?
Frank DeMint
Married twice.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Married twice.
Red Band
Okay.
Frank DeMint
No kids.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No kids. Why do you think that is? How do you think you ended up being so lucky to not have kids?
Frank DeMint
I don't know. Hopefully I'm in photo. That's. Yeah, that's the hope.
Tony Hinchcliffe
A guy like you, I would totally have expected you to spread your seed.
Frank DeMint
Spread my seed.
Red Band
I love how you roll with everything.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have a great sense of humor. So six years you've been doing it. Based out of Columbus, Ohio. So you've been on the funny bone.
Frank DeMint
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. And other places.
Frank DeMint
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do for fun? What does a retired doctor do for fun?
Frank DeMint
Actually just the comedy is most.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let me ask you this. You had two wives. How did the first one end? You cheat on her?
Frank DeMint
No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, what happened?
Frank DeMint
Well, it was one of those things. She was a high school dropout and I was a college dropout and I grew and she didn't.
Heidi
How are you a doctor and a college dropout?
Frank DeMint
Well, at the time. I'm not you at the time. Then I went to college. I went to the army and then I went to college.
Heidi
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the fuck did you do in the army?
Frank DeMint
I was a medical lab tech.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Yeah, absolutely.
Frank DeMint
They asked me to go go into linguistics. But I said well, I'm not this language up bad enough you need me to fuck up another one.
Red Band
Always kind of had a speech impediment all my life.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where do you think that comes from? How does that happen? Have you heard that were former doctor? What do you think? How does that even happen?
Frank DeMint
I have no idea. I don't know of any trauma, but I understand my father sounded like this, but he grew out of it and I didn't.
Red Band
Wow.
Heidi
His father hit him and your dad didn't want to do that to you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How Old are you, Frank?
Frank DeMint
66.
Red Band
What a terrible age for a guy with your speech.
Jim Norton
Literally the worst year.
Red Band
And six to six. And in six days I turned 77.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jesus Christ Almighty.
Red Band
That thing is aggressive.
Jim Norton
Yeah, just lie about your age next time. You're 42, way over 50. What is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or like they ask you a question, do you ever get in your head, you go, I don't want to say that. You seem like a pretty confident, fearless guy, which I dig, but.
Frank DeMint
Yeah, well, there's sort of three words, but people don't understand. Full willed and whale.
Red Band
I have no idea what's going on right now. This.
Jim Norton
I think you just put a curse on me. What the did you just say? You say whale forward and whale.
Frank DeMint
Whale.
Jim Norton
Whale.
Frank DeMint
And the problem is I like my steak medium. Whale.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh.
Frank DeMint
Oh, yeah.
Red Band
God. Oh, my gosh.
Jim Norton
You know, if I were the waiter, I think you would say you. I. I heard you say you like your steak medium.
Red Band
Whale.
Frank DeMint
Yeah, that's what they usually say. You want that well done? I said, no, I don't want you leather. I want it wet in the middle. But that didn't help much either, did it?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have like a long tongue or something like that? I'm trying to figure this out.
Frank DeMint
I don't know. I started eating at the age of 13, though.
Red Band
Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely.
Frank DeMint
And I think my tongue became a little muscle bound.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Red Band
And did people tell you you were good at it?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did the ladies?
Frank DeMint
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heidi
Okay, you can lick it. Just don't say it.
Red Band
Wow. Wow, great.
Jim Norton
I'm taking that catchphrase.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Incredible. So the second marriage, how did that end?
Frank DeMint
I keyed it on her.
Red Band
Oh, my God. Can you look at that? There's a women's faces just like, how the is that possible?
Jim Norton
Wait, please tell me you sat her down and you go, so look, you're about to experience a little bit of trauma. I've been eating another.
Red Band
The go is always guino.
Heidi
I've been my speech therapist.
Jim Norton
Do you have, like, extra teeth or like, is it like. What's. What's the. It's the tongue thing. So your dad grew out of it? How did he grow out of it?
Frank DeMint
I don't know. Most people grow out at least.
Jim Norton
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So do you think a lot of your patients back in the day always got a second opinion?
Red Band
Like, it seems very risky putting their lives in your hands.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You just being like your blood was
Red Band
all just not good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I think we need to stop treatment. I mean, it's like, incredible. You went. It's amazing the life that you had. So you saved enough money from being a doctor. For how long were you a doctor?
Frank DeMint
27 years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
27 years.
Jim Norton
Thank you for your service.
Red Band
And you saved enough money to be
Tony Hinchcliffe
able to just live your dreams and do whatever you want in comedy, basically.
Frank DeMint
More or less.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You own a house. Yes. And you have a car.
Frank DeMint
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What kind of car do you have?
Frank DeMint
I have a Hyundai Ioniq. Yeah. I'm a cheap bastard.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. All right. What's the nicest thing you've ever bought for yourself since you.
Frank DeMint
I had a Mercedes once.
Cam Patterson
Oh.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What ended up happening with that?
Frank DeMint
I. I had some economical situations. I had to sell it.
Red Band
Right.
Heidi
And would that be the divorce?
Frank DeMint
And I'm glad. I'm glad. I mean, it was a pain in the butt. It was always expensive to do upkeep on it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, yes. Parts on Mercedes are expensive.
Heidi
Did you get killed in the divorce? Did you get killed in the divorces?
Red Band
No.
Heidi
Financially?
Frank DeMint
Well, the first one. Second one. I have a prenup.
Red Band
Better. Yeah, man. You learn that prenup is critical. Yeah.
Jim Norton
You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I. I'm serious. I. I would love if you would step in. I don't know what you charge, what your rates are. Is it a co Pay? But can I just text you? It's a lot of things of, like, can you. Like, is this. Is this bad? Like, there'll be a spot on my. And I'll be like, hey, is this.
Frank DeMint
Anytime.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know what I think we should do? I think you guys should go behind that curtain. I think you should check your process right now.
Red Band
How does that sound? To. Look at that. Look at that finger. Do that again.
Frank DeMint
Look at that.
Jim Norton
Right? All right.
Red Band
Oh, my God. All right, well, I don't know. Yeah, get back there. And then, Tony, if you want to stick your face out of the curtain while he does it, you could feel free to do that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tony. Oh, yeah. They might be making love by this point. I don't know what's happening. This may have been a crazy idea.
Red Band
Oh, there it is. Okay, here we go.
Jim Norton
Whenever you're ready.
Red Band
Tony says whenever you're ready.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's see.
Red Band
I think we're probably.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, okay. Well, okay.
Red Band
Come back out, Frank. Okay. He's so adorable. He almost stayed back there.
Jim Norton
I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger in my butt. I wish I was joking. I thought that was a bit. But he actually put a finger in between my legs. Nobody could see him yet. He's still committed to the bit. Give it up for this guy. That was.
Red Band
Wow. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Jim Norton
I'm gonna need a new pair of pants and a new doctor.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Frank, you are a little angel. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. You are absolutely going to be loved by the people. When you came out, I thought, this guy looks silly as hell. We're gonna have a lot of fun talking to him. But the comedy is probably not gonna be there. And boy, you absolutely crushed the room. I loved it.
Red Band
You are as funny as you look. You are as funny as you sound. I. You make fun of yourself and laugh at the jokes. Welcome, welcome. Come back. Sign up again. All different shapes and sizes of people here. Absolutely anything can happen. We pull names out of a bucket and that is where we find all of our regulars. We're out here changing lives, giving people an opportunity. Like your next comedian, who is one of the top regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, this is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.
Cam Patterson
That's the only guy on earth that sound worse than me. That. That talked it terrible. That was horrible, dog. And I just said. And I just said talked it. So that's how I feel about it. I got a new girlfriend now. That was the dumbest shit I ever did in my life. Don't woo for that. Pretty stupid. I got my girlfriend. She pretty. That's a problem. I hate that. I only dated ugly girls by design before. Cause I like ugly women. Cause you can mold a ugly bitch, whoever you want them to be. Where they gonna leave you. Where you gonna go, Doo doo? You stalk me forever. We locking in for life, you ugly whore. I love you, though. You feel me? Cause a bad bitch, she know her worth. Ugly bitch not gonna go nowhere. I had an ugly bitch one time. I miss her so much. We had. I miss her a lot, dawg. I remember we was all eating food with my homeboy and shit, with all their girlfriends and shit like that. And I had me a little real dude. But the best thing about it is all my homeboys girlfriends got their food before we did, right? And they started eating. But my ugly bitch ain't eat. She waited till I got my food. And then my homeboy was like, nigga, she well trained. And I was like, yeah. And then I found out that her boyfriend used to beat her. Thank that man. That's her. That's a good guy. I appreciate him for that. Now listen, some of y' all didn't clap or laugh at that you look very sad about that, ma'. Am. Understand something. I'm not saying I would have hit her, but I'm thankful that somebody did, right?
Red Band
And
Cam Patterson
that's my time.
Red Band
Fuck yeah. Bing, bang, boom. Cam Patterson. Another new minute and a half.
Cam Patterson
Oh, okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, Yeah, I love it. The full fucking thing. You've done it again. Not easy to do a new minute every single week.
Cam Patterson
Is it tough?
Tony Hinchcliffe
It really is. I hear all the time about, you know, we just. We're doing stand up all the other nights of the week and you hear like, oh, I was just a da da, da. Cam had a great set. Cam was here, Cam was there. Ari's here, Ari's there. Everybody's working hard. Yeah. Always writing. It's incredible what we're doing here. And to see you do it, it's insane, right?
Jim Norton
Hell yeah.
Cam Patterson
Yeah.
Jim Norton
Hell yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How's things been going?
Cam Patterson
It's been good, man. I've been pretty cool, man. Been dope. I just did Deion Sanders show on Tubi. My dad really excited about that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah.
Jim Norton
Hell yeah. Prime time.
Cam Patterson
Yeah.
Jim Norton
Hell yeah. How was he?
Cam Patterson
It was dope. He was cool as, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Deion Sanders, the man.
Cam Patterson
He a good dude, man. That's it.
Heidi
Stand up or.
Cam Patterson
No, it's like a talk show. It was cool. If I end up been on like real TV and shit, they had gave me like makeup that felt gay. I ain't like that at all. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jim Norton
That's not gay nothing.
Cam Patterson
I mean, look, look, I'm cool with the gays, nigga.
Heidi
You know what I'm saying?
Jim Norton
Wearing makeup is just. Just fine.
Cam Patterson
Nah, nah. Makeup pretty gay man.
Red Band
Work on you.
Frank DeMint
What kind of.
Cam Patterson
What the fuck that mean?
Red Band
Yeah, what exactly does that mean at all?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What exactly did they do?
Red Band
Huh?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What exactly did they do?
Red Band
What kind of makeup did they have?
Cam Patterson
They had regular lady came in and did to my face.
Red Band
What was it?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What color was the what?
Peter Angelo
I don't know.
Cam Patterson
I didn't ask no questions.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You didn't look, you know, I didn't want to know.
Cam Patterson
I didn't want to know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Close your eyes.
Jim Norton
Yeah, she probably put powder on you because you look like you were baptized in Hennessy. You know what I'm saying? You gotta just dab it up and clean you up a little bit. You're an attractive guy, so you don't
Cam Patterson
even that even mean, man.
Jim Norton
Yeah, I don't know.
Red Band
This is what he looked like before the makeup.
Cam Patterson
He going to a funeral?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where he going?
Cam Patterson
Who died, man?
Jim Norton
He is.
Cam Patterson
Who the fuck is dressing D Madness, man?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
Cam Patterson
You got on a. You got on a turtle suit, nigga. You know that.
Red Band
He's got a bologna tonight.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's fun. It's fun seeing what D Madness wears.
Red Band
It's fun getting to tell D Madness what he's wearing tonight. It's the only person you get to break the news.
Cam Patterson
You won't believe this shit, nigga. You. You just for Prince's funeral. This is crazy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
A Style King, we bust his balls a lot, but meanwhile, he is weakly the best dressed band member on this show.
Red Band
You would think they're all blind, but
Tony Hinchcliffe
now they just don't. Fucking Michael Gonzalez has been wearing a
Red Band
fucking upside down Nacho bowl for the last year. No one's talking about it. The old family tortilla over there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The guy. Absolutely incredible. So, Cam, you hung out with Deion Sanders. So you're gonna be at some, like, Colorado games.
Cam Patterson
I wouldn't want to. I went to one a couple months ago. Yeah. When I was playing this. That shit was dope.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, I would have noticed you, but everybody on the sideline looks exactly like you.
Cam Patterson
But I had a Colorado shirt on, and everybody thought I was a recruit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Cam Patterson
And I would line my ass off to. I'm going, yeah, yeah. Who know? I might come for sure.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah.
Jake Kennedy
Oh.
Cam Patterson
Lying like.
Jim Norton
Yeah. I don't want this to sound racist, but.
Cam Patterson
Okay, wait, wait a minute. That's a. That's a terrible start.
Peter Angelo
I know.
Cam Patterson
That's. That's one of the worst starts in America.
Jim Norton
Well aware of that. But is. Is. Is there like a. Deion Sanders is known for being a flashy, flare filled guy, right?
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Jim Norton
So is there like a cool. Like, did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off? You know what I'm saying?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's a good question. Was this handshake complex?
Cam Patterson
Now, we both from Florida, so we got the same. We both from Florida, so it's like, you know what I'm saying?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Can you show us. Can you air show us what a handshake would be on?
Dagan Asaha
Can he do it? Do it?
Red Band
That guy can't do it. A white guy in sunglasses. Why do you have sunglasses on right now?
Jim Norton
You could do it.
Heidi
Wrong with you and you're looking at your wife like, you better not have
Red Band
go to the Puerto Rican with the gold grill over here. Here he is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Red Band
That's it.
Dagan Asaha
See?
Cam Patterson
It was simple.
Red Band
Oh, come on.
Cam Patterson
It's real simple.
Red Band
Tony Caruso has a better handshake than that.
Jim Norton
I can show you a Blacker handshake.
Red Band
Yeah. Let's go. Come on, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, my lead.
Jim Norton
I follow my. Wait. They'll play some cool rap music for me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Come on, like, give him a good.
Red Band
Yeah.
Jim Norton
So let's say I walk into, like, a black nightclub, right? Which I love, by the way.
Red Band
I love because you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are you doing?
Jim Norton
I'm usually looking for some big fat black Tony, but tight is it. Which is my website. Big bad black back Tony Caruso. So let's say I walk into the club and I go, cam, good to see you, yo.
Red Band
Oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh. Up top, down low. And the reverse fist bump. Fist bump, crisscross, double piece. Working the rib section. Oh, and then in. Oh, yeah, there it is. Hell, yeah. Wow. Wow. Absolutely.
Jim Norton
And then I call him the Nword. But I can do that in the car on the way home.
Red Band
Cam Patterson, we absolutely love you. Congratulations on being you. One of the top rising stars of the industry. The great Cam Patterson. Make some noise for his dad. Kenny Patterson's in the house somewhere tonight. We love Kenny Patterson. We love Kenny. Sometimes I sound like Trump. We love raised one of the good ones. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ryan Jack. Everybody make some noise for Ryan Jack. We're gonna meet them all together. This is that episode of Kill Tony.
Ryan Jack
Hey, you guys, I'm in therapy. I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know, like, my therapist told me that I have a hard time telling people no. Then he pulled his pants back up. Yeah, that was a tough realization. That was a hard dick to swallow for sure. You know,
Cam Patterson
I don't know.
Ryan Jack
I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know? Like, lately I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube. I can't get enough of these videos. I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos, though, is because they're all titled like porn. Like, every cop video on YouTube I click on is titled like, 20 Year Old College girl gets what she deserves. Karen gets physical and learns her lesson.
Jim Norton
You know,
Ryan Jack
man packs heat and shorts all the classics, you know, and just like porn, the more that I watch these videos, the more I start to develop an unrealistic standard for police officers. You know, like, one time I got arrested and the cop pinned me down to the ground, and I was like, I can't get hard. I'm sorry, I can't. He tried tasing me Choking me.
Red Band
There you go. Great set. Ryan, Jack the bucket is powerful tonight. An incredible, incredible.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Another bucket pull. Jim Norton. Thoughts?
Heidi
Very funny. And every punchline was hidden. I didn't see any of them coming. It was really, really good, man. It was. None of them were predictable. Really good writing. Very funny.
Ryan Jack
Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Ryan Jack, how long you been doing stand up?
Ryan Jack
About four years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Four years. And you really are in therapy?
Ryan Jack
I am, I am, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. What types of things, what types of trauma have you had in your life that you talk to your therapist about?
Ryan Jack
Just mostly daddy issues shit. Like yeah, my dad call me retarded and shit all the time, but you know, what are you gonna do?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's it. That's how you end up being funny. Funny, yeah.
Jim Norton
Are you Theo Von's kid? I think so. Was your principal also a raccoon?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ryan, where are you from?
Ryan Jack
I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Salt Lake City, Utah. Absolutely. You come from a Mormon family?
Ryan Jack
No, no, actually both of my parents were raised Mormon, but I am not. They kept us in Utah for some reason. I don't know why, but absolutely, yeah.
Red Band
What.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long you been on standup? Four years.
Ryan Jack
Four years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And what do you do for work?
Ryan Jack
I work at the Dead Rabbit down the street.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, that's one of the best bars and restaurants in the city. Yes, that is a place that I have been to, unlike the Liberty.
Jim Norton
Too Soon.
Tony Hinchcliffe
An incredible fucking place. Absolutely mind blowing. Food and drinks is an award winning bar. The only other location is in New York City. Won all the awards. The second ever location, just a block away here on 6th street, west of here.
Heidi
Can I ask why your parents didn't raise you Mormon? Are you supposed to?
Ryan Jack
I don't know. I think they just wanted to drink alcohol. I don't know, I don't know what their deal was. Fucking.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did they drink a lot?
Ryan Jack
Yeah, a decent amount. Not too much. I mean my dad binges every now and then, but other than calling you
Tony Hinchcliffe
retarded, did he beat you up a little bit?
Ryan Jack
Yeah, almost. I think my mom stopped and my mom was like the saving grace and all.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So this trauma, I mean, like I'm pretty sure everybody here.
Ryan Jack
I mean, you're the one that brought up the trauma. I mean it's pretty. The one that was like really drilling on the trauma. I don't know, it was mostly a happy childhood.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But it seems like, you know, this therapist is pretty easy. Work cut out for him.
Ryan Jack
Yeah, yeah. He collects his check and goes. He's it's pretty fun.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is this a weekly thing?
Ryan Jack
Yeah, I try to keep it like once every couple of weeks, but yeah, because I'm running out of things to talk about. It's just kind of annoying at this point.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Ryan Jack
Talking about my dad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It makes sense. What else have you talked with your therapist about?
Ryan Jack
Oh, just been addiction. Like that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, let's talk about that. What have you been addicted to?
Heidi
What are you addicted to? Eating pennies and putting your finger in the socket?
Ryan Jack
Yeah, no, pretty much.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What have you done?
Ryan Jack
I've been addicted to a gas station kratom. Have you heard of that?
Red Band
Oh, yeah.
Ryan Jack
You guys, finally someone respects me.
Red Band
I have some friends that are addicted to that. They don't know they're addicted to that,
Tony Hinchcliffe
but there's a couple people that basically everyone that tries Kratom kind of gets. Kind of gets. They really like it, let's put it that way. I'm not sure if we have any
Red Band
sponsors right now that are Kratom, so I think.
Jim Norton
What is it? Yeah, what is it? What is that?
Red Band
It's a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is an herb. That's how they. That's how they. It's a natural herb, much like cocaine and.
Red Band
And heroin. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They sell this at gas stations and it's considered non addictive. And what I've noticed is that people that have been addicted to things that are trying to not be addicted to things, try this and they get addicted to this.
Red Band
But they say that they're not addicted
Tony Hinchcliffe
to it, but they do a little bit more every single week.
Jim Norton
Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now. That was a great.
Red Band
Yeah, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
If you like it, get it from our people, whoever they may.
Red Band
Did you ever try it just to send us all of this?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, I don't do. I don't do anything. I'm a very, very simple man. I know. I don't do it. I don't go to the liberty.
Ryan Jack
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ryan.
Red Band
Jack.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So you got addicted to a gas station Kratom. How wild did things get? What was your lowest point on gas station Kratom? Did you ever suck a for it?
Ryan Jack
Nah, dude.
Red Band
Oh, wow. Red band. Very fast redb.
Jim Norton
No, I.
Ryan Jack
For free. It's. That's really. I just. I. I blow. I'm also bisexual, but. Oh, that's sort of just.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And then buy your own kratom.
Ryan Jack
I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, I, I mostly just spending all my money on that, you know, that's. That's really it. That's.
Heidi
Did your dad not like that you were bisexual? Like he called you retarded. But was that really the problem?
Ryan Jack
He ignores it. I think he doesn't really want to get my dad. My brother has ignored him. Huh?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Has ignored or.
Ryan Jack
Just like, my dad hinted at me, like, being straight, and my brother was like, oh, Ryan's bisexual. And I was like, all right, that's cool. That's fine. Just.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Don't your brother outrage you?
Ryan Jack
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How did you. And that's how your dad found out.
Ryan Jack
Yep.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. So he's more men and you're more men.
Ryan Jack
Yes, absolutely.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How did you first know that you were bisexual? And is it like 50? 50. How does that work? 60, 40 women?
Ryan Jack
I say it's like 50. 50. I don't know. I just always like playing with the boys on the school grounds. When I was a kid.
Red Band
Way to save that there at the end with the. When I was a kid, I was
Ryan Jack
a child, not Ned.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We almost found out what your real therapy sessions were.
Red Band
All good?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell, yeah. So what type of fiddling would you do with your classmates back in the day?
Ryan Jack
I mean, mostly. I mean, wasn't until I was. I didn't fondle with anyone back then. But, I mean, like, in high school, I would hook up with friends and stuff.
Red Band
Okay, D Madness just let out a homophobic.
Jim Norton
All my friends watch this show.
Ryan Jack
I'm sharing way too, too much right now. But it's fine.
Red Band
Sometimes I forget D Madness is homophobic, but he cannot hide it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ladies.
Jim Norton
Yeah, you just heard him go like this.
Red Band
You go, yeah.
Jim Norton
He literally sounded like a blind queef.
Red Band
Great band name.
Jim Norton
They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday. Now, you have great delivery. You came out. You have a cool look, right? I think there's a comedy checklist for me. It's cool look. Easy delivery and confidence, and you have all three, four years. Do you feel like it's gonna. You're gonna stand the test of time, or is this like a hobby for you?
Ryan Jack
I. I'm gonna try my best to make this work full time, you know, just keep doing my thing, you know,
Jim Norton
you should stick with it.
Ryan Jack
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
Heidi
You talk about being by on stage.
Ryan Jack
Yeah, I do. I do have some bits about that.
Jim Norton
Okay, good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, There you go.
Jim Norton
Everyone's gotta know.
Red Band
I don't know.
Jim Norton
Sound like you're dead, but.
Red Band
All right. What's the longest set you've ever done, Ryan?
Ryan Jack
10 minutes.
Red Band
I'd love to have you do a short set on the Secret show. There you go. You did it. Here's the big joke, Buck.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Here it is.
Red Band
Ryan, Jack, ladies and gentlemen.
Jake Kennedy
Yep.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, great. You guys are in for a special treat. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show is here, ladies and gentlemen, one of
Red Band
the funniest young ladies working today from Nashville, Tennessee. She is here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a brand new minute from Fiona Cauley, everybody. You know her, you love her. Nashville's finest many time performer on the show. Golden ticket winner. This is a brand new minute from. Make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody.
Fiona Cauley
So something I have noticed since being in a chair, I don't think that women see me as, like, a threat, Like, to their romantic relationships, which I find fucking ridiculous. Cause I am perfect height. To suck your dude's dick. That's not a joke. That's a threat. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't suck dick. Not during allergy season. That's just dangerous. Talk about head cold.
Red Band
Thank you, Fiona, Collie, everybody, with a brand new minute.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Where do we even begin with you? Welcome back.
Fiona Cauley
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. Always wonderful. There's a. There was a lot that happened there. Have you sucked dicks while sitting in the chair before? Is that a thing that you do? You have a boyfriend? I always see.
Fiona Cauley
Yeah. I gotta be charged forward and back. Yeah,
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is correct. I love it. And how long have you been with your boyfriend again?
Fiona Cauley
A year and a half.
Red Band
Year and a half.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So you guys have been through a lot together, huh? How's it all going? Good.
Fiona Cauley
He's actually not my boyfriend anymore.
Red Band
Oh.
Fiona Cauley
My fiance.
Red Band
Whoa. Look at that. Wow. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Incredible. So until really, really soon do you part.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fiona gets it.
Red Band
True comedian. Okay, she's not laughing as hard as I was hoping she would be.
Jim Norton
Keeping it. Keep it in Yoni.
Fiona Cauley
No, it's just nice. He doesn't have to worry about, like, a runaway bride.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's true.
Red Band
Or a prenup.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's true.
Red Band
Or a prenup.
Fiona Cauley
Ah, good point.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. No one knows how to stop the
Red Band
momentum faster than old red band here. A prenup, anybody? Anyway, so what's going on? Are your parents excited?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is your dad gonna roll you down the aisle?
Jim Norton
Isolate that audio. I want that for my new email alert.
Red Band
Ah.
Jim Norton
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Peter Angelo
That.
Jim Norton
That was my favorite moment of the whole show.
Red Band
There are so many. The wedding, I mean, I can't even imagine we're going to tie a bunch of, like, cans and stuff to the back of your chair, just married on the back, just clank your ass that will happen.
Fiona Cauley
Yeah. It'll be good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely.
Jim Norton
Very happy for you.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Fiona Cauley
Thank you. Anyone can do it, you know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's true. That's true. You're gonna fucking throw that bouquet behind you. Really, really shallow throw.
Fiona Cauley
Everyone will be Chris Cross applesauce.
Red Band
Right behind you. Right behind you. Applesauce.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Or as you call it, three meals a day.
Red Band
No, I'm kidding. She can eat normal meals, people. We're kidding. She's. We laugh a lot. She's a golden ticket winner.
Cam Patterson
Damn it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
Heidi
Honeymoon. Where are you gonna honeymoon?
Fiona Cauley
Cabo.
Red Band
Whoa. Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are you most excited about? About this wedding. When is it?
Fiona Cauley
In October.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. It's gonna be in Nashville. All right, beautiful. It's in October. What are you excited about? What's a. What's a.
Fiona Cauley
The tax break.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Frank DeMint
All right.
Jim Norton
Who's gonna marry you? You got a pastor or a friend or.
Fiona Cauley
My stepdad.
Jim Norton
There we go.
Ryan Jack
Perfect.
Fiona Cauley
Yeah.
Jim Norton
Is he ordained?
Fiona Cauley
Huh?
Jim Norton
I don't know what I'm talking.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Great question. Is he ordained?
Jim Norton
Is he ordained? Is he legal to do it? Yeah.
William Montgomery
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, let me ask you this.
Red Band
Did
Fiona Cauley
you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did you. How did he propose to you?
Fiona Cauley
It was good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, let's. Let's hear about it. I bet you're real easy to surprise.
Red Band
Just gets down behind you. He's like, babe, spin around.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're not gonna believe this.
Fiona Cauley
Oh, my.
Red Band
Very. Is there he is. It's incredible. The same guy from the prenup momentum stop earlier is the same.
Jim Norton
Welcome to the show, Red man.
Red Band
He has arrived.
Jim Norton
Been sitting on that queue all night.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So let's hear. How did he propose to you?
Fiona Cauley
First, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called bad idea.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, Mr. Yeah.
Fiona Cauley
Yeah. He got my ass, dude. It was terrible. Yeah. So then I got a text from the booker at Zany's, and she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me, had to come right away. And comedy. It's fucking weird. So I was like, maybe that's real. I don't know. So we left the restaurant, and we're both real nervous in the car. I thought for, like, the same reason.
Red Band
No.
Fiona Cauley
And we got there, and I'm fucking all the way up, zooming around the corner,
Tony Hinchcliffe
and.
Red Band
Yeah.
Fiona Cauley
And then I see the Zaniist photographer, and I was like, what the fuck?
Tony Hinchcliffe
And there's always a photographer there. Always there. Ready to ruin a great surprise. It's always.
Fiona Cauley
And then Matt goes, come back here for a second. I looked up at the marquee, and it said, will you marry me?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Red Band
Wow.
Jim Norton
Now, did you say. Did you. That's so sweet. Did you immediately say yes, or did you go, let me think about it? No, it's a really beautiful story. Sorry I had to do that. But wait, so. And that was how long ago again? A year ago.
Fiona Cauley
The proposal. Yeah, that was a week ago.
Jim Norton
Oh, my God, that's beautiful.
Red Band
A week ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
She's still on the same chair charge that she hasn't even had to plug in yet.
Jim Norton
Can you play PlayStation on that, too?
Fiona Cauley
There's a USB right here.
Jim Norton
Is it really?
Fiona Cauley
Yeah. Debate like, what?
Jim Norton
That's incredible. Yeah.
Jack McWilliams
Yeah.
Heidi
You steer the Titan sub with that?
Fiona Cauley
Yeah.
Heidi
The thing that died. They all died on it.
Fiona Cauley
Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're doing great, Fiona. What do you like to do for fun when you come to Austin, Texas?
Fiona Cauley
I always go to Terry Blacks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Red Band
Yeah. You have good taste.
Fiona Cauley
Yeah. That place, it's so good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Fiona Cauley
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really does. What. What's your favorite thing to get when you're there?
Fiona Cauley
You're gonna hate me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, boy.
Fiona Cauley
The Mac and cheese.
Red Band
You go to Terry Blacks for the Mac and cheese. Oh, look at all the fat asses
Tony Hinchcliffe
going crazy for this.
Red Band
Just a bunch of people on their last breaths.
Fiona Cauley
No, Mac and cheese is good, but the Mac and cheese. Are you kidding?
Red Band
Let me tell you something, Fiona.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We're trying to take care of you here. I'm gonna. I'm gonna have you talk to a
Red Band
doctor who's name is Frank Dement.
Fiona Cauley
Want you to make him say Friedrich to Texas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Call we.
Red Band
We Bad news. This Mac and Cheese is not a good idea if you want to sustain us.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable. Everybody loves you so goddamn much.
Red Band
You're such a part of the family. Congratulations on the October wedding. Make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody. All right, Red band. Jesus Christ. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi as well? Oh, Fiona just ran into deep madness. We're having a real battle of the titans over here. Here. Nobody knows what the going on D Madness is like. Who put a motorcycle on my foot?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Red Band
We having fun tonight, huh? I don't know how we do it every week. This has been a great night for the bucket. Big smooths for your next Bucket poll. Anything can happen. This is Jack McWilliams. Jack McWilliams.
Jack McWilliams
I hooked up with a girl the other day, and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop. I was like, of course not that kind of guy. I'm not gonna pressure. Did you say a safe phrase? Don't you mean a safe word? She said. No, no, no, no. A safe word isn't specific enough. I could yell out any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop. I was like, totally. I'm on the same page. It just feels more complicated that way. Like, I'm not trying to hack your email here. Is there gonna be numbers, symbols, and upper and lowercase letter involved? I just. What if we made it a random word that you'd never yell out in the heat of the moment, like Gandhi? You're not yelling out Gandhi in the heat of the moment. And even if you do, I feel like I could tell if it's a bad Gandhi or like a gimme more kind of Gandhi. You know what I mean? It's all in the tone. No, she said her safe phrase is hey, stop doing that.
Ryan Jack
Thank you,
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jack McWilliams.
Red Band
I've never heard Matt Muhling laugh so hard in my entire life.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He absolutely loved that punchline. Incredible. Jack, welcome to the show. That is amazing that you had a set all about a safe word or safe phrase because you are one of the rapiest looking guys, without a doubt
Red Band
that's ever been on this show. Every rapist ever looks up to you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, that is what they look like. You look like that and I look
Jack McWilliams
down on all the non rapists.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand up, Jack?
Jack McWilliams
Eight years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Eight years? Where at?
Jack McWilliams
Chicago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The whole time in Chicago.
Jack McWilliams
Thanks. Two years in Bloomington, Indiana, where I went to college. And then in Chicago. Yeah.
Red Band
Okay.
Heidi
How tall are you? You're a big man.
Jack McWilliams
Six, five.
Peter Angelo
Wow.
Heidi
Do people get. Did everyone think that you look kind of crazy? Because you look like everyone that's ever accidentally smothered a hooker. Like you didn't mean to do it. You apologized after, but it just happened.
Jack McWilliams
I'm very apologetic afterwards and it's hard to know my own strength and size. But yeah, we're figuring it out.
Heidi
While you're holding that mic. What a fucking giant meat hook you. It's like me with a dog dick in my hand.
Jack McWilliams
Yeah,
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jack, I love it. What do you do for a living?
Jack McWilliams
I'm a caddy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
A real golf caddy. Wow. How long you been doing that for?
Jack McWilliams
Four seasons.
Red Band
Okay.
Jack McWilliams
Chicago, it's a seasonal job. I found one here in Austin, though, that's a little sporadic. But you live here now, so. I'm long distance with a girl in Austin. I've Been living with her since November. We've been dating over a year. I'm at Spanish Oaks Golf Club.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, very, very nice golfers. Shout out, shout out. No doubt about it.
Jack McWilliams
They'll be super pumped to hear about the rape. It's gonna be good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. Seems good.
Red Band
He's doing good. Spanish Oaks. Keep him close. This is where Spanish come from.
Jack McWilliams
I love the way my meat hooks grab their driver.
Red Band
What does the girlfriend do for a living?
Jack McWilliams
She works at heb.
Red Band
Oh, wow. Everyone's favorite.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No doubt about it.
Red Band
Insane. Instant crowd pop.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Always for heb. What does she do?
Jack McWilliams
There she is in the beauty section, though. In a month, she's starting management training.
Red Band
Wow, look at that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Everything you guys touch turns to gold over there. And how did you end up meeting this girl? Long distance relationship. Chicago and Austin.
Jack McWilliams
She visited Chicago and came to a comedy show where I was. I was the headliner, essentially the last comedian.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hello.
Red Band
And then what happened?
Tony Hinchcliffe
She comes up to you and goes,
Jack McWilliams
I have a bit where I take a girl to the airport after three dates. You know, super not rapey thing to do. It's just being a gentleman. She clapped for me in the audience, and then I kind of did a quick interaction and tied her up. Yeah, pretty much right after this.
Red Band
And then what? You guys went on a date and
Jack McWilliams
she was flying back the next day. When she said she was lives in Austin, I was like, well, I've been meaning to visit there for this show.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You guys hang out that night or.
Jack McWilliams
Yeah, for a few hours.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What'd you do? You go over to the Bean?
Jim Norton
Yeah.
Jack McWilliams
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This happens to be a landmark that I know a lot about.
Jack McWilliams
I always ask for consent before I go to the bean.
Heidi
Sure.
Tony Hinchcliffe
100%. Nobody believes you.
Red Band
What.
Heidi
What does she like about you? What did she like?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What does she say that she likes?
Heidi
What does she have.
Jack McWilliams
She says I'm very kind.
Tony Hinchcliffe
God damn it. What'd you say?
Heidi
I just knew it would bomb.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And I said, no, nobody heard it.
Heidi
No, no, no, no. No one knows who he is. I said, she has an Edmund Kemper finish.
Red Band
I know that reference. That's great.
Heidi
Damn it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's saying you look like a big, rapey serial killer.
Heidi
I say it with love. I like him.
Jim Norton
He's. I really appreciate it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It.
Heidi
Yeah, he's great.
Jim Norton
Wait, what? How do you keep. I've done long distance 14 times.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So how.
Jim Norton
You have a. You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting. Right. You can cheat or you can do phone sex.
Red Band
Yep.
Jack McWilliams
The big two.
Jim Norton
Say it again.
Jack McWilliams
The big Two.
Jim Norton
The big two. Yeah. Well do. How do you keep it fresh? How do you keep connected?
Jack McWilliams
She would visit like every six weeks during caddy season. And then now I've been here for a few months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you a good caddy?
Jack McWilliams
Back to back caddy of the year in at my club in Chicago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely.
Red Band
Incredible.
Dagan Asaha
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How did you get so good at it?
Jack McWilliams
Well, my co workers are either alcoholics or children, so it's not the highest bar.
Heidi
That's also who your victims are.
Red Band
Got it. Standing ovation from Antonio Caruso.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. Jack, before I let you go, would we be surprised to know about you?
Jack McWilliams
Other than I have not sexually assaulted anybody.
Jim Norton
Yeah. Say it in one of the cameras for your work.
Red Band
Yeah.
Frank DeMint
Yeah.
Jack McWilliams
Let's see.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Anything wild? Any fun hobbies or anything?
Jack McWilliams
I got a DUI for smoking pot when I was 19.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Whoa. Bloomington, Indiana, Wisconsin.
Jack McWilliams
I was taking a road trip.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, boy. Yikes. My goodness. How'd you get caught? You admitted it.
Jack McWilliams
We had just hot boxed the car with two joints. So he pulled us over and was like, I'm pulling you over for a traffic violation. We said, what's the traffic violation? And he just said, how much marijuana is in the car?
Red Band
All right.
Jack McWilliams
We were 19. We didn't really like. We know our rights, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, that makes sense.
Jack McWilliams
We kind of.
Jim Norton
You want to be my. You want to be my doctor? I like you a lot. You're very funny.
Red Band
I do.
Jim Norton
You're kind.
Jack McWilliams
Thank you.
Jim Norton
Hey, I don't know.
Jack McWilliams
I went from being just a rapist to your doctor, so that's a pretty good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's it.
Jim Norton
Not the first one.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Red Band
You should have seen the other rapey doctor that was here earlier. Redban, you know, I'd love for you to headline the Secret Show Thursday.
Jim Norton
Holy.
Red Band
Look at that. And a big jug bug. You did it. There he goes. Jack McWilliams, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim Norton
And yo, the bucket pulls on this show. Out of control right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's get one more up here. Let's see if we could go for it tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dagan Asaha.
Red Band
Dagan Asaha.
Dagan Asaha
So I live in a gentrified white neighborhood, so there's a lot of pressure on me to be the friendly local black guy. And it's tough, you know, it's. It's hard. It's hard being a real nigga when you live on Avocado Street. It's hard because people don't understand race. You know, like one time I Was at a comedy show and I was watching a black comedian perform. He was saying the N word a lot. And this white woman next to me turned to me and she was like, am I allowed
Red Band
to laugh?
Dagan Asaha
I was like, absolutely not. As a matter of fact, every time you hear the N word, hold your breath.
Jack McWilliams
All right?
Dagan Asaha
That's my time.
Red Band
Diggin Aspaha. Am I saying that right? Dagan.
Ryan Jack
Dejan.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dejin.
Jim Norton
Yeah, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dejan. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Another amazing set. Congratulations to you. How long you been doing stand up?
Dagan Asaha
Three years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three years? Where at?
Dagan Asaha
I started in la, and then I moved back to Seattle like a year ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What made you move to Seattle from la?
Dagan Asaha
There was no reason to be there in la.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. I love it.
Heidi
Do you. Do you keep in touch with Captain Phillips?
Dagan Asaha
I already knew that was coming. You might as well play the Lion King music now.
Red Band
Well, you know what? Let me just. All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What does dejan mean?
Red Band
Is that a deja? Oh, we got you. We got you there. You didn't see that one coming?
Jim Norton
I knew.
Red Band
We got you there. We got you. You took the bait.
Jim Norton
Oh, that's tonight's fruit by the foot queue of the night.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do for work, Dayjun?
Red Band
I was.
Dagan Asaha
I'm about to work as a tutor. Work with kids. But I was just working security right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. What are you going to be tutoring them in? You really are in a gentrified neighborhood. Taking you for the tutor type, like
Dagan Asaha
at an elementary school.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow.
Dagan Asaha
I did that too, when I was in LA for a bit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Ryan Jack
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. Tutoring kids. Is it fun working with kids?
Dagan Asaha
Kids like me, generally.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You might be the only bucket pool tonight that's allowed near kids that some retired doctors, some scary, scary individuals up here.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. What's your love life like?
Dagan Asaha
Oh, I'll be dating casually.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Dagan Asaha
You know what I'm saying?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are you into? What type of woman are you? What type of big booty are you?
Dagan Asaha
What was that noise?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That was.
Red Band
That was the noise of a pig. That was Red Band.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Red Band thinks that big booty implies that they are. They are heavy eaters,
Quinn Pastura
man.
Dagan Asaha
That's crazy. You say I do like a. A fat ass.
Red Band
I don't know how. I guess I. I just really just
Tony Hinchcliffe
had just a hunch of some kind. I don't know how fat.
Jim Norton
Could you do, like a thing with your hands? Like, how big?
Dagan Asaha
I mean, if she. I like grabbing it, you know, I like. Is she on top?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jim Norton
What the did you just do? What was that? What was that?
Red Band
Yeah.
Jim Norton
Are you painting her back with crayon?
Dagan Asaha
She on top. I'm doing this.
Red Band
Right.
Jim Norton
I don't know what that is either.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, well, maybe you don't know Tony Caruso.
Jim Norton
No, I'm a. I'm a stand up against the wall guy. Always. No sitting down. Once I sit down, I'm going to bed. No doggy style. My knees can't handle it. I'm up against the wall. Wall. The closet of the fridge. Good night.
Red Band
You know, when you do doggy style, you're not supposed to be on all fours. You know that, right?
Jim Norton
All right. Tony Robbins. Jesus Christ. Can I just have a conversation with Saguan Barkley, whoever the this guy is? Now, you said you were security.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jim Norton
You said you were security for who? Panera? Who? Who are you security for? You said security.
Dagan Asaha
I just. I just. I've done security work for just, like, office buildings around type shit.
Jim Norton
Great. So, yeah. Any office building that needs somebody to watch.
Dagan Asaha
Yeah, I used to do that just because it was, like, cushy and I could, like, write jokes during the daytime.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep.
Dagan Asaha
But I had the other security job I had. They were just trying to make me do, like, actual security, and I was like, fuck no, nigga.
Cam Patterson
Like, yeah.
Dagan Asaha
They would be like, confront that crackhead. No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'd be like, what?
Dagan Asaha
They'd be like, you're good. You don't have a gun, but it's okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like, yeah.
Dagan Asaha
Because it was unarmed security. I was like, that's a paradox.
Red Band
Right, Exactly. You're skateboarders and shit. Damn right.
Dagan Asaha
Yeah.
Jim Norton
That's the name of my next special. N word. That's a paradox. Can't say it. All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell, yeah.
Red Band
Hell, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you. What else do you do for fun, Dejan?
Dagan Asaha
I mean, it's hard to have hobbies because I'm constantly doing this shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep.
Dagan Asaha
But honestly, casually dating. I was dating a lot when I got back to Seattle.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you like to do? What's your move? What do you. Give us some tricks? Give us some dating with DeJean tricks. What are some. What do you like to. Girl, how do you close. Wait, what is it?
Dagan Asaha
Dejan.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dejin.
Peter Angelo
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. Dead. Yeah. I'm gonna take the A out of this and just go with the E.
Dagan Asaha
D. You made my name black, Dejan.
Red Band
Well, I mean, that's. Let the record show this is not an easy job. Most television show hosts have a pre interview. They fucking. They meet the person before his name is spelled D, A, E, which is day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And then it's G, E, N. I
Dagan Asaha
Know it's spelled confusing. Yeah, you have a point. I don't mind when people mispronounce it.
Jim Norton
Can you imagine being on a date with this guy?
Red Band
And she's like, so it's so nice
Jim Norton
to meet you, Dejan. And he's like,
Red Band
hey, you be bragging on my name.
Dagan Asaha
Hey, you know what's crazy? Somebody mispronounced my name while I was hitting it too. Oh, yeah, she said it just the way you said it.
Heidi
What is she, Beetlejuice?
Red Band
Yeah,
Tony Hinchcliffe
yeah.
Dagan Asaha
She's like, ooh, ooh, Dejan. And I was like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're like, it's Dejan.
Cam Patterson
Yeah, it's Dejan.
Jim Norton
It's Dejan. Spell it.
Red Band
D, E, J, U, A I Get off my. I'm sorry to blacken up your name. I'm sorry. So, Dejan Quay. Tell us.
Cam Patterson
Oh, I knew it.
Red Band
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are some dating tricks of yours?
Red Band
Before I get you out of here, you gotta.
Dagan Asaha
You gotta schedule. If you're talking to her, you gotta schedule the date asap, like within the first five messages, type Yep. And then you meet her in person. And then, by the way, I'm not. No, like that. Be getting all the time.
Red Band
But that's what you have to say.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I get it.
Dagan Asaha
But you got to schedule the day asap. Do some simple shit. Just talk to her. Get drinks type shit. You don't got to take her to an aquarium.
Red Band
You're goddamn right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're goddamn right you don't.
Cam Patterson
Got it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah.
Dagan Asaha
And introduce the idea of sex ASAP.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's what I absolutely.
Dagan Asaha
My early 20s. I fucked that up. I never like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You go to the aquarium?
Red Band
Yes. Aquarium is your brother's name, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God,
Red Band
you are fantastic. What's the longest set you've ever done, Dejan?
Dagan Asaha
20.
Red Band
20 minutes on the secret show. Book it. Lock it. Big joke book. Unbelievable performance. Detchen as Faha has arrived. What an unbelievable bucket night of bucket pulls we've had. And before we put a ribbon on this thing, I think it's time we bring to the stage someone to give us a little violin performance. Everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jake Kennedy, everyone. I think it's Jake Kennedy right Where the is he. Oh, my God. How adorable is this? Oh, my God. The world's smallest violin. Literally. Give me some right lighting for this situation. This is an all time kill. Tony first. We've never.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Out of all the musical excitement that we've ever had, we've never had a violinist. I'm very excited about this. Play something that's not copyrighted. Music, please. YouTube has an unbelievable computer system stronger than ever to be able to copyright strike us. Even me saying the word copyright strike might be a copyright strike. They are so strict nowadays. Ladies and gentlemen, this a first in the kill Tony universe. The first violin performance from one of the most absolutely adorable little Oompa Loompas we've ever seen our entire lives. Here with his tiny little fingers.
Jim Norton
Hold the mic next to it, Tony.
Red Band
We got it. We gotta relax. Tony, sit the down. Don't ask any questions. Relax.
Jim Norton
Can you play the cool run?
Red Band
There you go.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, there you go.
Red Band
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Shut the up. Ladies and gentlemen, as we all settle in and relax for this performance.
Red Band
This is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, there's a lot going on. They'll figure it out. They'll figure it out. They're professionals. Jake, just play. Jake is used to playing with a bunch of little mice.
Red Band
He normally plays in a band of mice.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Mees, they're called. When there's a group of tiny little mees. Ladies and gentlemen, this with the tiniest
Red Band
fingers we've ever seen, is
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jack Kennedy.
Red Band
Sam, Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show. They are on their feet here in the live music capitol world. Tony Garuso's gonna throw his jacket out there. He's got a big joke book. He's got a little joke book. He's got the musical performance of a lifetime. One more time for Jake Kennedy, ladies and gentlemen. Jake, you know what? I want you to join the band one of these nights. Coming up, talk to John Dees. You're gonna be a band member. Not full time, but he's gonna make a couple appearances. We'll see what happens. You'll see him over there with the horn players or something. Luckily, we can fit him anywhere on the stage. You would think we've run out of room. He's literally the only musician that we can add. Add. Add sound.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Sound check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check. Something. There you go. It's Kino, everybody. The great famous Kino who said earlier during soundcheck that he'll never make another mistake again.
Jim Norton
That was the best Make a Wish musical performance I've ever seen.
Red Band
It is incredible. You know, there was a band that
Tony Hinchcliffe
played during the sinking of the Titanic. Not a lot of people know this, but Jake played the violin during the.
Red Band
When that little sub went down to go play.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And yeah, he was playing that.
Red Band
He can fit in there. He can fit in crazy places.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So he was in a little submarine playing. And when the thing exploded. He fucking. The violin had a. He's.
Red Band
He's light enough, he's buoyant enough.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He fucking shot right up to the surface. It's absolutely. That's actual sound of him coming back up to the surface.
Red Band
Look, this guy's had a few weeks off. There's only one way to end a fucking episode like this. It's been way too long. You guys know what's about to happen. As I bring to the stage the hall of famer with the most appearances ever, with the most interviews ever. This is the long awaited return, the longest we've ever gone without seeing him. This is the Memphis Strangler, the big Red machine. This is William Montgomery.
William Montgomery
When Trump's people took over, they discovered Biden had budgeted $50 million for condoms in Gaza. I'd heard they do a lot of tunneling over there, but damn, They just found vomit in denmark that is 66 million years old. Red band. You never told me you did stand up for cavemen. Because when somebody does so bad, it's stand up the people in the audience vomit. That's what I was going for. So I've got a rebranding opportunity instead of Goldman Sachs. Goldman sex. It's not about your asset size, it's your circumcise. A woman recently went blind when she accidentally put nail glue in her eyes instead of eye drops. I'm not a doctor, but here's some advice. Don't do that again, you stupid bitch. Okay, that's my time exactly.
Red Band
59.99 seconds.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Almost like a man with the all time record. The man who's done it more than anybody else. William, we have missed you. Welcome back.
William Montgomery
I know. Thank you so much. It really is so nice to be back. This is kind of a. Honestly, this is a very cautionary tale. I was playing too much Call of Duty and it made me depressed, Tony. So I stopped playing it, I think three weeks ago. Now I'm back working out and reading books, trying to get out of my funk that I have in my brain. Because seriously, if you're out there grinding for these camouflages on your weapons, it turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare. So if you're one of these people doing this, stop immediately. Start working out, start reading books. Do something different for your brain because it really, Tony, turned very dark for me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is true. It is true. You had a video game addiction. The closest you would get to doing anything else would be to look out of your blinds and complain about whatever your neighbors in the parking lot. Were doing. It became. Became a cautionary tale. You went down a rabbit hole.
William Montgomery
Well, I'm reading next to my window, so I'm still able to look out. And Tony, somebody recently moved into one of the apartments and they weren't supposed to. This is now the second time I've caught a homeless person moving into the apartments next to me. So I'm still got my eyes out on the there.
Red Band
Wow, look at that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Some things never change.
William Montgomery
I know I have to have a purpose.
Heidi
How do you break a Call of Duty addiction? How do you break it? Just start shooting real people.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How did you wean yourself off of it? You were in very deep.
William Montgomery
Yeah, I really. Tony was feeling horrible in my brain. I was so horribly down. And I would like to think I'm going to blame it on the Call of Duty and things are better now that I'm not playing the Call of Duty. But seriously, it was. It was. I was playing, I don't know, 15 hours a day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a real thing.
Red Band
I don't allow my. I don't allow myself to have a legit video game system.
William Montgomery
Yeah. Don't ever do it because it's so fun. I know, it's really fun, but it's
Tony Hinchcliffe
very, very easy to just sit there and live a life of fantasy.
Quinn Pastura
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And there's perhaps a lot of people out there listening right now. I'd imagine that look up to you and you know, which is absolutely insane to me.
Red Band
And.
William Montgomery
But, well, there was one sweet guy on an Instagram post I did. He's like, oh, my gosh, I was going through bad times. Your comedy's really helped me. I was going to kill myself or something. And then some piece of said, well, you should have killed yourself then, dumbass,
Tony Hinchcliffe
Because I don't know.
Jim Norton
Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that, so I didn't think you were going to read it. So tomato, tomato. But you know, if, by the way, seeing a guy play Call of Duty with a Sesame street live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing. Imagine being a postmates driver dropping off soup to you. You walk out being like, I just lost six more of my friends. And he's like, all right, man, you look like a guy going to now to look for lady boys. But, you know, here's the truth.
William Montgomery
Well, I got this at Disney World. And Tony, I went to Disney World at the beginning of the year. Nobody ever go to Disney World or Universal Studios. And in January, because everybody was sick and I ended up with the flu for two weeks, Tony. I got 104 fever one of the nights and I was almost getting in the ice bath in my bathtub. Almost getting my girlfriend to put rubbing alcohol on my body. I didn't know what to do.
Red Band
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What ended up solving your problem.
William Montgomery
It just went down the next day so I didn't have to go to the doctor.
Jim Norton
What's your favorite ride at the D World?
William Montgomery
It's a small world. Yeah, I love that one. It's real nice. Just all the cultures coming together. It's chill.
Jim Norton
Love that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. What are your big plans for 2025? This is our, I believe, first time seeing you this year. Is that correct?
William Montgomery
Yeah, it's been.
Jim Norton
We miss you, William. You're. You're a staple of the comedy world and you're one of the finest guys.
Red Band
I mean, you just took 20 years off.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the. Do you know
Jim Norton
I've got YouTube.
Assan Ahmad
Yeah.
Jim Norton
I don't know. This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that, that you're. That we. That you're needed. You're needed. You, Tony.
Red Band
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're talking. You're talking to him like a fellow. You're talking to a fellow Kill Tony hall of famer.
Quinn Pastura
Well, I just.
Jim Norton
I feel like he brings a lot to the. To not only the show, but to the world. So that's what I'm trying to say.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I could not absolutely agree more. William. You are a ridiculous superstar.
Red Band
You are our Conor McGregor, our Hulk Hogan. You are the man. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only William Montgomery.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is that violinist still back there? Is he still back there? Does he have his little tiny instrument? Is. Does he. Is he violinist? Yes, he left. Oh, that's a shame.
Red Band
Well then our normal band will play us out. Test was tonight's episode. Everybody make some noise for Jim Norton. Jim Norton can't save you. Available everywhere. It's new unbelievably awesome show. Tony Caruso is on tour with Adam Ray, believe it or not. Incredible. Adam has such an open mind. One of the great creative forces of the world. He has Dr. Phil on tour. He has his own stand up tour. He kills it everywhere he goes. Everything he touches turns to gold. Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil Phil on Netflix. A lot of other unbelievable things happening. So for you to get to work with Adam Ray is incredible. How about one more time for the kill Tony debut of Tony Caruso. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton? The drawing from Ryan J.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Belt is in.
Red Band
It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers did tonight. Oh, it's me. O LA la. Look at that. A dehydrated, hydrated me filled with testosterone and a lack of water. This episode's brought to you by Zip Recruiter and nicked nicotine pouches. That's nykd. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Everybody, I'm on tour. By the time this episode comes out, tickets will be on sale. I'm doing the Honda center center in Anaheim, California. A very big arena. I'm doing stand up there. Who knows, maybe some friends from LA will be able to make a little drive pop in. Who knows?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know.
Red Band
We'll see you talk to your buddy Adam for me. Put in a good word. It's gonna be amazing. I'm also doing the Maverick center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a bunch of other great places. Detroit, some casinos, big fans, fancy joints. All of it's@tonyhenchcliff.com or Ticketmaster.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's still, I think, a couple tickets available for the Kill Tonys in Nashville
Red Band
at the Bridgestone Arena April 4th and 5th. And a lot of other fun stuff. Red man, you know, William has a podcast called the William Montgomery show with our friend Casey Rocket. Check it out, guys. Yes. Yes. Support everyone in the Kill Tony family. We love you. We love you guys. You guys are the heart and soul of it all. Good night. Thank you. We love you. Goodbye, everybody.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This guy's a legend in the comedy game.
Red Band
Took 12, 20 years off of stand
Tony Hinchcliffe
up, but he's back in the game now.
Jim Norton
20 years since I've been on stage. But it's time. It's time to get back to it. I'm gonna go give it a shot. Charts in the material. Here we go. Make some noise for Tony Caruso.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody.
Red Band
Tony,
Jim Norton
get back on the saddle, as they say, and see if that old horse still.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin,
Peter Angelo
Texas, is now open.
Ryan Jack
Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Red Band
SA.
Date: Feb 11, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Jim Norton & Tony Caruso
Host Panel: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
This high-energy episode of Kill Tony brings together legendary comic Jim Norton and returning stand-up Tony Caruso—making his first appearance on the show after a 20-year hiatus. The night features a blend of established voices and new comedic hopefuls, quick-witted panel riffing, and an ultra-rare live violin performance. Fans get the raw, improvised, and boundary-pushing Kill Tony experience, full of laughs, heartfelt moments, and a little chaos.
Jim Norton (to Peter Angelo):
“You look like a vampire that only bites people with aids.” (06:58)
Jake Kennedy (on being a violinist):
“I work on a pirate ship.” (42:05)
Band’s reaction erupts in laughter and disbelief.
Tony Hinchcliffe (on Frank DeMint’s delivery):
“This is absolutely incredible. You’re such a likable guy. How do you make a living?” (47:06)
Frank: “I’m retired, currently. I practiced medicine for 27 years.” (47:44)
Fiona Cauley (on her engagement):
“It’s nice. He doesn’t have to worry about, like, a runaway bride.” (77:55)
William Montgomery
"If you’re out there grinding for these camouflages on your weapons, it turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare. So if you’re one of these people, stop immediately." (109:35)
[1:03:55]
Jake Kennedy returns, violin in hand, and astounds the crowd with a spirited classical tune—“perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show” (105:03), cementing his place in Kill Tony lore.
Throughout, the episode thrives on mixing vulnerability, uproarious roast, under-the-radar life stories, and raunchy improv. True to form, this one delivers classic Kill Tony: unpredictable, inclusive, and always pushing the envelope.
For more episodes, tour info, and merch, visit tonyhinchcliffe.com & DeathSquad.TV.
End of Summary