Brian Redban (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming standup dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, AKA Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets for sale now for my standup comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are@tony hinchcliffe.com right right now. That's where we are. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee. Brian Redman. Hey, everybody. The best damn band in the land, everybody. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the mutilating. Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John Dee's on the keys. And that is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, the energy in here feels great. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by To Covis. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with Tokovas. To Covis crafts quality western boots for everyone from generational ranchers and lifelong cowboys to first time boot buyers. Born in Texas in 2015, to Covis makes it easy for anyone to find their perfect boot. Every one of To Cova's boots are handcrafted with over 200 meticulous steps for broken in comfort right out of the box. 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Right now, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code Tony@blue Nile.com that's $50 off with code Tony@Bluenile.com Blue Nile.com I can say to my new Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra, hey, find a keto friendly restaurant nearby and text it to Beth and Steve. And it does without me lifting a finger so I can get in more squats anywhere I can. 1, 2, 3. Will that be cash or credit? Credit. 4 Galaxy S25 Ultra the AI companion that does the heavy lifting. So you can do. You get yours@samsung.com compatible with select apps. Requires Google Gemini account. Results may vary based on input. Check responses for accuracy. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? This is Kill Tony, brought to you by nicked Nicotine pouches and ziprecruiter. Every single single week, I have one or two or three of the best possible guests. I look at it like a chemistry set. I know all these people. I know who goes well together and how to mix it. Tonight's two guest panel is one of the greatest comedians of all time and also a guy who's returning back into the comedy business after a very long hiatus. So what a perfect panel Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the greats. Make some noise. For Jim Norton and Tony Caruso. Oh, yeah. Jim Norton. Tony Caruso's first time on Kill. Tony. Wow. Tony Caruso. Jim Norton, welcome. Jim Norton is back. The only comedian to be on both Madison Square Garden episodes. Absolutely crushing. One of our favorite guests of all time. Thank you. He's been on this show in LA multiple times, in Austin, in Las Vegas. Jim Norton, one of the best comedians in the world. Jim Norton. Can't Save you. Is available everywhere. It's a brand new show. And joining the panel for the very first time ever in the show's entire history, Tony Caruso, ladies and gentlemen. Now, Tony. Wow. They really love you. I don't know how it's. I don't know what that was. I don't know what that was. I never shot a gun in my life. It seems like you come out on a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun. You know, you have a giant. A giant approval from the audience, and many of them don't know anything about you. You are making your return into stand up comedy. You took a 20 year hiatus when your wife passed away. A 20 year hiatus. My wife died, RIP. I found out through text she had cancer, HPV or some shit, whatever. She. The bitch is dead. So I'm trying to get my life back on track. Good to see you, Red man. Why do you brush your teeth with nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here. But. But no, I'm a big fan of the show. And, you know, Kill Tony is a show to launch careers. They launched a lot of people. Hans Kim, you know who, by the way, is. Who's about to star in the all Asian reboot of the Sandlot. Hans Kim is. He's gonna play squints. It's gonna be called the. The sand rot if you're an Asian guy. All right, I'm warming up here. But Tony, if you're here, who's haunting the abandoned carnival down the street, huh? I'm warming up here. We're having a good time. You know, I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. I've been watching the show on YouTube. I've been watching on Facebook. I got Twitter, I got X. I got. I got something. I got something on my right now. Wow. Hit me, Hit me. Hit me one more time. Too hard. I got. I got a. I got a pacemaker. Tony Caruso forgot what it was called, but he's been making his return in the stand Trying to get back into it. Trying to get back on the wagon. He's been opening up for the Great hall of Fame. Kill Tony member Adam Ray all over the road doing some shows for him so you can get tickets to see Tony Caruso at Adam ray comedy.com. it is incredible. You've been doing some work with Dr. Phil. I hear you're friends with Dr. Phil. Friends with DP. Yeah. Yeah, friends with DP. Yeah, we call him DP. But, you know, DP's got several meanings. You know, double pen, a double penetration. I'm just warming up here. I'm just warming up. Just warming up. But, Tony, it's good to see you. You look good. Thank you so much. You look like a vampire that only bites people with aids. Okay, okay. Come on, hit me, Mike. A little late. Little late. I. I invite you to the show and this is how you treat me? I'm just trying to warm up. Okay. What are you doing the show. Right. Look at that fact. Okay, well, I mean, she's. I watch your show. I watch your show. Okay. I love it. Big fan. Okay. All right. Good Lord almighty. Oh, okay. So, Tony, you know how this show works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to be here. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you know the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We find out more about them, and everything is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian performing tonight while we go wrangle your first bucket pool is a guy who's been on the show only one other time in Las Vegas, Nevada, at Skankfest. He was my favorite comedian on the episode, and I told him that when he arrives to Austin, Texas, for his first time that he gets an automatic spot on this show. This is that show. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted for the second time ever appearance of Petra. Angelo, everybody. Here we go. It's Peter Angelo. What's going on? What's going on, guys? What's going on? Who here likes rough sex? Who here likes rough sex with men? Just me. All right, cool. Yeah, I fuck a lot of dudes. It's weird. I get it. I look like this, but like, I do. I enjoy rough sex. But the problem is I date guys who are like Way smaller than me. And people think I date. I do that to throw them around like it's Cirque du Soleil. That's not the case. I want them to be the dominant one. Let them be in charge. But, like, for rough sex to be hot, there's gotta be that element of danger. I don't feel like I'm in danger. The average weight of the guys I sleep with is 150 pounds. I weigh 320. They can't even get their hands around my neck. For me to feel like they were in charge, I had to give them a weapon. And I'm not sucking dick at gunpoint again. It's a great family reunion. You think the natural solution is I be the dominant one? You know, I be in charge, but, like, I'm afraid if I'm so much bigger, I'm gonna kill them. And now I'm like Gay Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Like, I didn't mean to kill the twink Boy George. I just wanted to pet his butt. Thanks, guys. I'm Peter Angelo Petrangelo, second ever time on the show. Famously the least gay looking gay man ever in the show's history. Jim, you ever see anything like this before? I have. I've seen you before. Yeah. And I enjoy you very much. Oh, thank you. But you do seem more like a top. I'm not saying not disappointed. I'm just saying you seem like. Yeah, everyone seems to be disappointed by it. I don't get it. Like, ah, it's fine. All right, cool. Yeah, but like, I was for a long time and then, you know, I got bored. I was like, all right, let them do the work. But that material is like, people gonna think you're gay. Yeah. Yeah. It has been a drawback. Like, not many ladies coming around now. No. When. When you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on? Like, is it. Is it you go, all right, like, like butt stuff. Yeah, you gotta. Yeah, rip them right off. Yeah. Pants off, sleeves off, gone. All right. That's all I got. Absolutely. Peter, remind us all, where do you live again? I live in New York City right now. How long have you lived in New York? About three years. And what do you do for work? I was a truck driver. Now it's comedy. Yeah. Thank you, lady. But now I teach people to throw axes. Oh, wow. I'm an axe throwing. Instruct straight jobs. Even your jobs are straight. I drive trucks and I teach people to throw axes and I take dicks in my butt. Like, it doesn't make any sense. Great impression. It's incredible. It throws the axes at vaginas. Yuck. Not another one. God damn it. Get away from me. Absolutely incredible. Larry the cable gay. Yeah. Yep. Get him done. Have you always been gay? How old were you when you knew you were gay? I was a teenager. I would say teenager. And just. Was there a moment? Is there something that happens? Are you like porno mag and you're like, me, just like, dick or something like that? I think so, honestly, you know, the Internet was coming around. I just started typing in gay and just wanted to check it out. Yeah. I was like, maybe this is for me. What was the first thing you saw that you were like, oh, how do I get to do that? You know, it's a butthole. Yeah. So it's what he saw and he wanted to do that. Yeah. A feminine man. And I was like, all right. Yes, that. And then moved on from there. How do you. How do you. And then how you. Will you go to your parents? You go, hey, how do I get to. More buttholes in my life. When did you. My dad was like, become a trucker? Truck stops. There you go. When did you. When did your parents find out you were gay? How did they know? When do you think they caught on? I'm not sure because, like, I would say not that I told them. They weren't positive. My brother knew right away because he kept taking my computer before I could erase the search history. Oh, and your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick. What the is that black guy, that other black guy for? And your brother let you know that he knows? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He didn't. Did he keep it a secret? Yeah, he did. He didn't. He didn't care at all. He didn't bother. I like how vague you are with your searches too. Like, just gay. There's a. I'll look at it. I don't care. We'll figure it out. Yeah, it was. Yeah. What should we have about? Internet just started. I don't know. Do you remember the first time you blew a guy? Yeah. Where was it? Yeah, tell us about it. Paint the picture for us. Stone cold. Like, what a way to kick off the show. I was. It was. I was at my house. I invited someone over. I thought he was. I had an inkling he was also gay, and I was just. Hold on. What was the inkling here, by the way? I don't know anyone who doesn't look like me. I don't like. Right. Most people, I think are gay. He's over your house, hoping it was like, oh, do you want to watch porn? Yeah, but I'm porn. And then. Yeah. Are you saying what, like a bunch of guys haven't watched porn with their friends and just tried to touch it once? Like. No, it's just a gay guy thing. Yeah, that is. What the. Are you talking. Yeah, you. That. I am not a gay guy. I won't even look at a. It's all good. Hey, hey. Agree to disagree. Agree, disagree. And then just like, oh, yeah. What is. You know, did you make a serious move on him or did you try joking your way into it? Joking, I think it was. Yeah. That's hard. No, it was like. It was like, you know, hands are hand. How you can't tell the difference between a guy's hand and a girl's hand. Like, that kind of thing. You held his hand? No stroking his guy. All right. That's less gay than holding his hand. Yeah, I'm not that gay. That's fag shit. Yeah, both of those are T shirts. I'm not that gay. If that's fact A great. Now when you touched it, was it. Are you still friends with the guy who you jerked? Is he gay too now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of sweet. Yeah. Yeah. We're still friends. We reminisce about it. Do you really? Yeah, once in a while. We are still friends. Yeah. It's great. What's he do for work? That's a good question. Coding. Coding? Yeah, like data show coding. You with his comp. That was funny. How's New York City treating you? Where did you live before Vegas? No, Connecticut. Oh, Connecticut. Yeah. Okay. And you're in the middle of New York City now. Yeah. What's that like for you? How do you. What do you do there to have fun? A lot of metal concerts go to raves sometimes. I'm training to be a pro wrestler. Really? Profession for you? Stone cold Steve Aidsey over here. What's your. Hasn't kicked in yet. What's your wrestling character? Yeah, it's a big doom. Ah, wow. Yeah. Yeah, the. Yeah, and I'm a gay trucker who hates straight people. Okay, so it's pretty. Pretty much just me. Do we get to find out what you're transporting? You said you drive trucks, right? So what are you taking across state? Like, what are you taking from? Like, what you drove a truck to? Are we talking about my character? What I actually did as a trucker? Can I finish my sentence for a second? Are you. So what for are you You're a real truck driver, right? I was, yeah. So you were. Yeah. So what were you driving in the truck? If you were taking a truck from, like, Austin to Dallas, what would be in the truck? Steel pipe. Yeah. Wow. Was that the name of the guy? You want to shuck it off? I'm warming up. I'm warming up. Did you mean to haul that or did you say put some pipe in the rear? And they went, okay. And then just. Yeah, that's better. They knew I could handle it. Yeah, you could take a big load. Peter, what's something that we would be surprised to know about you? There's the fart noise for the episode out early tonight. Seven minutes in red band is red banning. Before we let you go, something that would surprise us about you. I recently just did comedy in China. Okay. We're talking about the female wrestler. Okay. Found the most manly woman you could. Yeah. Have you ever been with a woman? Long time ago. And tell us about that. What was it like? So it was a twist. What happens when a gay guy touches a vagina? I mean, if you're a bitch, you're like, eh. But I'm like, whatever, let's try it. Okay. But, yeah, I met this, like, punk rock couple as a bisexual guy. I love. This is great. Is my dad here? No. All right. No, he was. He was. He left. Yeah, it's fine. Like, I had no goddamn idea. Jesus Christ, Peter. And your brother kept it secret from me. No, he's on Grindr, too. He doesn't want to bump into him. I met this. I met a guy at this party. He was bi. He invited me to, like, you know, hook up with him and his girl. So, you know, they started blowing me. I tried fucking her a little bit, and then he fucked her, and I just fucked him while he. Her. When you say. I'm going to need you to write that down. I'm sorry. But I was here then. I was here and somebody was inside somebody. What you doing? Circle. What the was that? So when you say you tried to her, I mean, there it is, right? It's warm, wet. It's a whole explain, like, what happens. And you're just like. For me, I was just. I was like, all right, I. That's enough. All right. I want. I was like, all right. This. I'm. I want. I want to him. That's why I showed up. Right. You know, so. Right. Did it feel good, though? Did it turn you on? Or were you like, ah, there's no in here. Right? Yeah, that's the part I don't get. That's exactly right. I don't get it. Because if it's warm and it's moist and it works, and there's, like, you could. The dude's still there, right? So it's like I was just. I. I wanted to fuck the other person. I just wanted to give. That's what I was there for. And I decided. I was like, hey, this is fine. I'm going on to the now. So the guy in the middle, you're him. While he. His wife. Yeah. Was he just going, thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Yeah. It was the weirdest seesaw ever. What's his name? Lucky devil. Taketh and giveth. Well, Peter, you got. Tonight's episode started with a bang. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Are you in town Thursday? Yeah, yeah, I'm here all month. Well, there you go. You're doing the secret show. Oh, awesome. Thank you so much. Have a great night. Enjoy the rest. Peter Angelo, his second time ever on this show. He was pulled out of the bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada. And now our first bucket pool of the night. Wow. You know what that sound means? Heidi is here, everyone. The lovely Heidi. Absolutely incredible. There she is. One more time for Heidi, everyone. All right, to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. We're gonna meet them all together. This is where we met all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Quinn Pastura, ladies and gentlemen. Quinn Pastura. That's way too tall for me. I know what a lot of you guys were thinking. You know, you heard of Al at the end of my name, you're like, he's Italian. And you're right, unfortunately. I know a lot of people know stereotypes about Italians, something like that. They always do something like that. And I was talking to a fellow the other day. He started doing Italian stereotypes. He started telling me. I was like, oh, what else do you know about Italians? Teach me about Italians, you wise man. He goes, well, you know, the first thing I know about Italians is they get really upset about things. And I started yelling at him. I got fucking pissed. I was like, hey, dude, you can't. We don't get upset about things. We get very passionate about things, okay? So cool your jets, dude. What else do you know about Italians? What the fuck else do you know about Italians? And he goes, oh, the other thing I know about Italians is that they're all really good Cooks. And I felt like a jackass for inviting this guy to my dinner party. I swear to God, I was cooking for a racist. This was terrible. And this is the real kicker. He had to bend over about a foot because I'm only five foot six. And he goes, the other thing I know about you little Italian bastards is you're all criminals. And I swear to God, I would have cooked this guy's ass if I wasn't a felon. Okay, Quinn Pasteura, ladies and gentlemen. He's Italian. He's Italian. Hi, Quinn. How are you? I'm doing excellent. How old are you? 26. 26. Where are you from? Kentucky. Okay. And are you visiting here? You still live in Kentucky? I live here. Okay. Been here for six months. How long have you lived? Six months? Yes, sir. And what do you do for work? I work at a bar over on E6. Okay. What do you do at the bar? I am a lowly doorman. Check IDs. Okay. Very interesting. And how long have you been doing stand up? About a year and a half. A year and a half. And you've lived here for six months? Yes. You think that's your best minute that you just did? I thought so. Okay. Well, it's hard, honestly. The business is overrun with Kentucky Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm Italian. I know for a fact Tony Caruso is Italian. We got two Tony. This is an episode of Kill Tony's. I found it all kind of if. Let's just say that if it was an Italian dish, it would be a marinara with no garlic, no onion, no seasoning, really. Just mashed tomatoes, if you will. I mean, I'm German, too, so that kind of feels. I guess my German side was coming out okay. All right. Yeah. I would have. I would have rather watched a set from Chef Boyardee. This guy knows what I'm talking about. What's that guy, by the way? You know that guy who screamed out doing your. He was like, oh, who was that guy? I couldn't even hear. I was. There a real Italian in here somewhere? There was somebody that immediately heckled you. There was a man in the audience that recognized. It is hard to believe we always have to be the center of the audience. That's our problem. Yeah. So it's a little slow, I think. A little slow. You. A little tentative. Next time, you might want to come out just a little bit more. Get to a punchline a little fast. That's. That's all. It's a little. Little quicker if you can. Okay. Meandered, just a bit, but I understand you were getting to it. Let's figure out more about you, Quinn. Stuff you could talk about because you're just talking about the most broad of all broad things, which is being Italian, which is hard for even an Italian to talk about because it's broad. Right. It's old. Yeah. We cook. Yeah. There's. There's. There's some crime. Right. Try not to get too niche. Right. I've been doing Slaughterhouse 5 jokes for the last week, but those haven't been hitting. What's that mean? What does that mean? It's a book that most of us read in junior of high school. But that's why I kind of had to stop doing it, because a lot of people I figured out didn't do it. I didn't do it either. I just read it last week. What's. What's the plot of this? The Slaughterhouse. So it's a crazy. I was just joking. I was just joking. So, Quinn, tell us something about your real life. Like, what are you into? What are some hobbies, some passions of yours? I mean, just like every. Just like every other nerd. I like history. I'm very big into it. I was one of the first guys at my university to major in cannabis history. Surprise, surprise. He's a pothead. It's pretty sick. I did my whole research project on the Emerald Triangle and like the boom and bust cycle in it. I got to do some really cool interviews and explore up there. And then there's some like, wacko taco bullshit that like, you guys know about, like the Carthaginians and stuff. The what? The Carthaginians. Oh, this is like a deep dive. We need to do a deep dive. You guys want to hear some? No, we're all right. But yeah, we did. But. You smoke weed? Yep. Yeah? How much. How much weed do you smoke a day? Like. And what do you do? Do you work while you're high or. Usually not. Yeah, it's just kind of a nighttime thing or what? Yeah, typically. Have you had a really bad trip on pot? Like, any fun stories there? Oh, yeah, there's one show around here. It's called. Can I. Can I tag another show? Am I allowed to do that? Well, I don't know. Come on. No. So say something funny before you start promoting things. I get to fucking shout outs to all my projects. No, I was just saying I got too high there all the time because you make it too high. And every time I do it, just like now I'm like, should I move to Austin? Am I freaking out? That's my favorite thing about pot. I could smoke it, you know, I used to hook it all the time. I could tell myself I'm not an addict. I was an addict. It was unfortunate. Talk to me about the Carthaginians. I want to know what the Carthaginians are and if we have disagreeable theories on them. Okay, so I think they were all fat homosexual truckers that actually. No, that. That checks out. They did travel the world. They did do trade. They came to North America, I think. So what's. What's the trashiest thing you ever saw in all your years in Kentucky? The trashiest thing I've ever seen in all my years. You were in Kentucky. You know what it is? Yeah. What was it? Anything? Yes. I don't know. There's a lot. I live next to a Greyhound station, so there's like a constant amount of cars going down and out of there. That was pretty tough. So my dad's car go in there once. You saw your dad's car going to where? The Greyhound station? There's a. Buses or dogs. Well, there was a guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head. This interview is so rough. Guy just fucking. This is rough. Quinn, did someone in Kentucky tell you that you're funny and that you should move? That's the scariest part. Oh, God. What? What's the answer? Yeah, I don't think so. No one did. This was your own. Oh, no. People did tell me I was funny, but okay, again, it's Kentucky and so we don't have good education there. Right, Right. Do you recognize that song? I do, yes. Your parents white trash? They Kentucky trash? No, they're pretty cool. Yeah. What do they do for work? My dad, he does accounting for a pressure washing. Firm. So that actually is pretty. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty pressure washing. He's got his hands full of water. And then my mom. Oh, God. She does it for a waste management company. Yeah. So that's pressure washing and waste management. Wow. This was a waste. And then you are a door guy on 6th Street. I am. Did you enjoy going there, though? You were there like two weeks ago. Oh, you got a stalker. Tony, you got a stuff. Where was I? Here we go. This is what people do when their interviews suck. You walked by me. No, no, no, no. I wasn't there. I wasn't. I don't. I have. No. Well, what? I don't know. Maybe you remembered spots that you go. I don't. Did you? Maybe I do. I Don't know. What's the name of the place? Liberty. I wasn't at the Liberty. You're saying I walked by the Liberty? No, I. I. Like, I was doing sound and doing a show over at Narbor, but this is like a weird Craigless misconnection. Yeah, you were walking by the Liberty. I was jerking off onto. It's like the craziest tradition. When people really, really bomb as hard as they can, they go, I saw you once on the sidewalk, you remember? No, no. Dude, how would that. How would that stand out? Did somebody tell you I was inside of the bar that you work at? Yeah, it was you and Ari. They said they literally, like, named you. They're like, hey, they were here last night. Ari Shafir. Yeah, there's. There's a 00% chance that that happened. The Liberty. Okay. We got it in. I mean, I didn't see you. I was just told. So I. You're just trying to start a little conversation here. Yeah, yeah. And we also landed on the. Obviously nothing else is working. Unbelievable. One of the dumbest things someone can do is just reference you remember. Remember a couple weeks ago, you weren't even there. I know. What kind of bar is the Liberty? It's like a little dive bar. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's pretty sick. All right. Yeah, it's a good time. What's. Okay, I ask one question before he leaves. What's the. What's like the. The biggest thing in Kentucky? You go to Kentucky, Tony goes back to Kentucky. What? There's nothing. There's nothing. There's. And I. I have to go across the river to Cincinnati for there to be something, and there's hardly anything there. There you go. Here's a little joke book. You going to catch it? There you go. Quinn Pastura. For the love of God. What? Hello, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Via. Guys, hosting the number one live podcast is tough. And that means I got to take my self care seriously. Let's be real. 2025 has been all about change. Whether it's work, personal stuff, or just the daily grind, it can be hard to keep up. But here's the deal. When things get hectic, we don't have to go through it alone. Embrace the power of nature and elevate your every day with via. Trusted by over a half a million happy customers. VIA is the Swiss army knife of wellness, dedicated to harnessing the natural benefits of hemp to create high quality wellness products. 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I love that they're made in the USA and that their products range from 0 to 100 milligrams of TH. If you're 21 or over, check out the link to Via in our description. Use code Tony to receive 15 off. And if you're new to Via, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase, they ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your everyday with Via hello Indeed. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Going online without ExpressVPN is like forgetting to mute yourself on a zoom meeting. Do you really want your co workers to hear you trash talking them? Because all your traffic flows through their servers. Internet service providers, including mobile network providers, know every single website you visit. ExpressVPN reroutes 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers so your ISP can't see your browsing history. Redban Tony ExpressVPN is the best. It hides your IP addresses, making it extremely difficult for third parties to track your online activity. It's also easy to use. Just fire up the app and click one button to get protected. Not to mention it works on all devices, phones, laptops, tablets and more so you can stay private on the go. I personally use ExpressVPN when we travel so I can stay private. Know that all my data is safe and sound. It's personally important to me to not have my data hacked by some Hugh Jackman in the movie Swordfish type of guy. Protect your online privacy today by visiting expressvpn.com kill Tony that's exactly P-R-E-S-S VPN.com kill Tony and you can get an extra four months free. Expressvpn.com kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is very, very exciting. I pulled the name out of the bucket of a young man who works here all the time. This is very special. I have no idea if he's even ever signed up before. This is truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I. I think maybe he's been on this show in la. It's been a long time either way you slice it. Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known this is a new minute from Ahsan Ahmad. Everybody make some noise for Hasan. Everybody. So Israel and Palestine just signed their ceasefire, so Hamazel Tov to them. The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which take the context of everything that happened outside of it away. That does sound like a great day with the boys. You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in a cave. Just. Abdul, get the paragliders. Just like, holy shit, Abdul. It's one gig. It's one gig. Just. Just two flags on your paragon and one Palestinian that says Saturdays are for the boys. You know, just committing a terrorist attack to a rave, to techno, just. That was Sandstorm by Dude, in case you missed it. I don't know if you guys. I've been Asanamad. Asan Ahmad. Oh, my God. Wow. Coming up here, cleaning up after a bore of Kentucky. Holy. You know what's funny? He was talking about the Liberty, and I was like, tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shafir the night of the picture. Wait, no, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. You're being funny. That was not it. That was one of them. That was the White horse. No, the picture was that white. No, Liberty's west. We went east. Okay, okay. Liberty Z. Oh, okay, maybe we were there. We were on a bar crawl. That's what Ari wanted to do. Which one was the Liberty? I have no idea, but I know that's what the Liberty. Real quick. There's no way this is the Liberty. West. It's east. I was there. The poor guy, I'm like, fuck you, you're not funny. Get the out of here. Oh, it's Stefan. It's just blatantly east. Same street, but that way it is literally just five minutes. Just due east on 6th street, side of the road. My location is still there. I'm still at the Liberty. There's a blue dot. Holy shit. The poor guy. The Poor guy. Well, now he's gonna be a hero. Quinn, Just hear the Internet, Quinn, your comedy sucked. But, dude, you got Tony good. You are geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony Hcliffe. Ari Shafir absolutely insisted that to celebrate his special, a special release on Netflix, he wanted to go east and do a shot and a drink at every single. Do I talk about this last week? Yes, we literally talked about this last week. And fucking God. We had. We. Yep. That was one of those nights. Yes. Hasan, you were along with us and we had a blast. Yeah, he was right. Yeah, he was right. It ended up working out. You're so funny, man. That making that stuff funny. That is great. Really. It's so odd. I love the angle you took. To hear a Jew say that is going to be my. My new catchphrase. We go havesies on it. But you can have it. It's yours. You're a legend. You guys heard it. It was really funny. Yeah, you're very sharp. You're very quick. I like the pace. Yeah, it's great. Thank you. Thank you, Hasan. Always killing it. Always part of the actual scene here. I mean, the equivalent to like, I high level Comedy Store paid regular. You are the equivalent to here. One of the first people from LA to move here with your homie and podcast co host Derek Poston, who we all love. You've actually been the one man panel on an episode in 2022. I've been on the panel three times, but I had this Israel Palestine joke and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it. I'll sign up for Kill Tony. Happens. I love it when my buddies sign up for the show and are lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket. Happened with Matt Edgar a few weeks ago. And now you. What else is going on in life of son? What have you been learning? You're kind of like a. How long you been doing this? Ooh, 12 years. 12 years. And that's at a Comedy Store level. You are a former Comedy Store door guy. Oh, yeah. I watch. I watched this. I watched it. I started working when this show was in the belly room. Yep. The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing. So I was like, when I get up here, just start the joke. You only have a minute. Why waste the time? Exactly. You are absolutely correct. How does your hair go like that? Come on. We're all thinking it, but you're f. You're funny. You're funny, but like what the. The grace of Allah. I. Ain't that the phrase too. You got a little Gaza Strip right down the middle there. That is unbelievable. Holy. Reminds me of the bar, the Liberty. It's. I love it. Son, what else is going on? Tell us something else crazy about your life before we get you out of here. I. Huh? Something. I mean, I've taken you to your homeland, San Jose, right? Well, yeah, not his homeland, San Jose. Hey, I like that. And I've met your adorable parents. Your tiny, tiny, absolutely adorable, little, super tiny Indian parents. I mean, they are just the cutest things you've ever seen. I do have the most adorable parents. They really are. You're like a giant compared to them. Yeah, I'm. I am five six. And I'm six inches taller than both of them. Yeah, I'm the tall guy in my family. It's great. They bring you home free chocolate after work every day. They are very, very short. Yet somehow they are both 7. 11 and 9. 11 is incredible. For those of you that don't know, Hassan is the new head of the FBI. I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to that. Watch out, Mexicans. I'm coming. That's right. That's right. Sneak right up on you people. He's brown too. What can brown do for you? Okay, Hasan. So much fun. Great stuff as always. I'll see you tomorrow. We'll do it again. We do stand up together all the time. One of the best, one of the best comedians around. Killing it. Growing, thriving. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake Kennedy. Time for Jake Kennedy. Make some noise for Jake, everybody. I come from your typical normal sized family, you know, My sister's six foot, my mom's six foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me. Really stunted my growth growing up. Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special. I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp. Said, mom, I already get bullied, you know. So nevertheless, I went and it's exactly what you guys are thinking. They gather all the little people from all the little villages, they put them in a ring and we fight to the death. Yeah, you know, it's a cruel world. My girlfriend just dumped me. I was talking to a buddy about it and just telling him how, you know, I was coming in between her career goals, you know, and he just looked at me and said, dude, that bitch works at Applebee's nevertheless, don't call her a bitch. She doesn't like that. That's my time. Okay? Hell yeah. Jake Kennedy, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. Okay. Welco. Jim Norton. I just. I'm Your son. Was just out here. You were really. You are adorable. I can't tell whether you're a little person or a huge. What is the actual deal? I know, I know you like to guess. What do you think I have? Fucking. That sucks. Ism. Down syndrome. What is it? I have dwarfism or herpes? It's dwar. You can have both. Who you been talking to? No, I have a disease called spondyloepimetaphyseal dysplasia. Oh my God. Tell us what that is exactly in a bunch of words. It's like I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth. Whoa. So I actually. What the fuck, Redman? What the fuck? Literally the worst sound effect you could have played right there. It's party time time. Spiked Bones. That is a great band name. All right. All right. Is that really what you have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if you're like a really short mailman that your father hates. I don't ask questions. How. How tall are you? Like five? Five? Two. Five. Thank you. Five too. What do you do for a living? We've had a guy that loves hanging out in chocolate factories. Peter Angelo was on earlier. That's an joke, by the way, cuz he's a fat gay guy. All right, back to you. You're dressed like a baby swim coach. Yeah. It is adorable. It is. That's a tough gig to get. So that's not an insult. 50 bucks. Tiny. Very tiny soprano. Tiny soprano forever. 21 inches. I love this get up. You're. You're absolutely a cutie pie. This is how people like dress teddy bears and up to your chest King. This is the most compliments I've ever gotten. So I want to thank you guys. You take. You're taking it in stride. That's a compliment. Now what. What do you. What do you. So what did you. What do you ask? I asked the question. This fucking guy. Ever since you started working with that Dr. Phil character, you have this new hosty thing that you try. So what do you. What do you. What do you. What do you. What are you. We're watching you think about the question. All right. All right, I'll pick him up. No. Oh, he's got spiked bones. Be careful. Wait a second. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I bet you he's heavy. I can tell by the look. I can tell by the look on Tony Caruso's face. This motherfucker's heavier than he thought he'd be. That's a dead weight. I think I got spooked. Spike bones I that up. Edit it out, Yoni. Two Tonys and a spike bony. This is a party in here tonight. Jake Kennedy. How long you been doing stand up? This is my first time ever, Tony. Wow, look at that. That's a good first time. The goat of the first first time. How old are you? 25. 25 years old. Absolutely adorable. The. The 25 years old. I guess the math works. He has the body of a 12 year old and the face of a 40 year old. This is incredible. You just got to do the math. Divide it by two, figure it out. What do you do for work, Jake Kennedy? I'm a violinist. You're a professional violinist? Do you play way? Yeah. No, no. He can't reach the notes up there. That left hand. He needs a tiny little cello. What's the tiniest? Even a harmonica is a two handed adventure for you. I cannot picture you. You professionally play the violin for a living. Where can people see you? I work on a pirate ship. Hold on. Holy. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I was gonna say that. You do it. You do it. We'll be right back. I mean, you're like the movie Jack, you know? Have you seen the movie Jack? All right, edit this out, Yoni. Okay. So when did you start playing the violin? When I was 10. Wow. And look at you now. You make a good living doing that. I can sustain myself kinda. Yeah. You know, where's this. How far is your violin from here? Right now it's at my house in. I'm on East 10th. Oh, well, Jesus Christ. How far away? How many minutes away is that? Like I have an electric bike, so like 10 minutes. Can you hop on your electric bike, go grab your violin, and then we'll close out the episode with a little song. My. From Jake Kennedy. Is that okay? Here, take this on your way. There you go. Don't let it crush you, Jake Kennedy. Hey, you know what? You know what? It's only fitting. Jesus Christ. Tony. Sit the fuck that. It's only fitting you get a little joke book too. Jake Kennedy has arrived. He will be back in a little bit. A very little tiny bit. Oh my goodness. Jake Kennedy. Wow. How adorable is Jake Kennedy. I cannot wait to see him play a tiny little violin later. What was this gonna be? That's like a thing though. He probably plays the world's smallest violin. That's like a figure of speech. We're gonna do it tonight. He's gonna take his little tiny electric scooter and everyone in the city is gonna be like, look at that happy little guy. What's he so happy about? He's out there like a little rubber ducky. And he's gonna be smiling ear to ear. Hopefully he makes it back okay all in one piece. He's out there riding around on these streets with spike bones taking a chance. He's just out there like a little absolutely adorable thing. Hello there. 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When I put them on, I feel like the fre freaking Marlboro Man. Tony. Wow, you smell like him too. Ever wondered if you could pull off the boots with your personal style? You owe it to your feet to pull on a put on a pair of Tokovas. Plus with Tokova's Best in the west guarantee you get free returns and exchanges for 30 days. Right now, get 10 off at tacobus.com kill Tony when you sign up for emails and texts, that's 10 off at t e c o v a s dot com kill Tony to covis.com kill Tony site for details to Cova's point your toes West. Good day y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Nile Guys. Life poses many questions, but your relationship asks the big question. Are you thinking of popping the big question? Sure. It's a huge moment, but what they don't tell you is how many decisions you'll have to make when choosing the perfect engagement ring. Shape, size, style, setting, cut, color, clarity, carat. 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And because love can last forever, you get free service and repair for life. Right now, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code Tony@blue Nile.com. that's $50 off with code Tony@blue Nile.Com Blue Nile.com all right, let's get back to this bucket and then we'll get a regular up here, ladies and gentlemen. Let's do it. We're going to meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Frank DeMint. Frank dementia. Had some fun bucket pulls tonight. Hi, y'all. My name's Frank DeMint. I realize I sound like the love child of Barbara Waters and Mike Tyson. Something between the bishop on Princess Bride and Berry. Crypto, Big Bang Theory, and maybe a little bit of Elmer Fudd. Where's that rascally rabbit? My mother, she didn't help me out much. She named my brother Nick. I can pronounce Nick. She names me Frank. But it could have been worse. It could have been Francis or Francisco. Or worse of all, Roy. How about if my last name had been O'Reilly? Roy O'Reilly and his brother Corey. What a disaster that would have been. Who is the asshole that put the ass in lisp? I think it was Shakespeare. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, motherfucker. And who's the asshole over at Apple that came up With Siri, huh? There's some pothead computer geek thinking of a guy like me saying, siri, where is Riley White? The real white? Siri, where is your British rumble room and rotisserie? Siri, where is Sally? She shell she shack, motherfucker. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna cut you off before that bear interrupts you. Frank DeMint has arrived. To the Kel Tony universe. Holy. Oh, my God. Where do I even begin? That is absolutely incredible. You keep the last comedian in that little pocket on the front of your shirt there guys are a comedy duo. Absolutely incredible. Frank, I have about 2 million questions for you right now. Let's just get it going. First I want to check and see Jim Norton. What do you think? I, I, I have loved you ever since you threw Mama from the train. Thank you. That's a reference. The deserved it. This is incredible. Yeah. Speaking of Mama, you look like the mom from the Goonies. Yeah, that's a compliment. That's a great part. Is incredible. You look like such a character. You're built for comedy. How long you been doing it? Going on six years. Okay, where at? Where exactly? What New. Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio. Holy. Did you ever walk by a bar and see Tony Hinchcliffe? There he goes. Good. So Columbus, Ohio, you still live there? I actually live in Kingston, Ohio. Okay. Which is about an hour south of Columbus. Kingston. Yeah. Neil Chillicothe. I know you're from Youngstown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, gee, I love your delivery system. This is absolutely incredible. You're such a likable guy. How do you make a living? I'm retired, currently. What do you owe you to retire? I practiced medicine for 27 years. You were a doctor? Yes, I was. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Imagine. Wait. Can you imagine? Wait, Are you going to play the PA Going in to tell you. All right, here's the scene. All right, It's. I just got. My whole system just got overloaded. I'm so glad you're here right now. I love you, Tony. Here we go. All right, hold on. We're the Patience, and you got to tell us that we both got aids. Okay. Yeah. Red band. Hit me with some hospital music. There's. There's no real hospital music. Okay, here we go. All right. Very good. Thank you. Okay. Hello, Doctor. Yes. We've been waiting for your arrival in a long way, by the way, me and my husband. It sucks. Oh, God. Gee, this is not good. Good. Okay. You're a doctor? Are you the only doctor? I'm it. Yeah. You're. Oh, my God, what do we have? You have age. Oh. Oh my God. This is Wilwy. Woo wee. Bad news. Oh my goodness. Can you say that's all folks for me. Oh, he folks for you, huh? What can you. Never mind. Yeah. Okay. Looney Tunes reference. So Frank, you were like a general doctor? Yeah. Family. You were Dr. Frank Dement? That's correct. Holy. That is incredible. Was. Did you always have your hair like that and facial hair? This is more of a retired look. Yeah. Were you ever married? You ever have kids? Married twice. Married twice. Okay. No kids. No kids. Why do you think that is? How do you think you ended up being so lucky to not have kids? I don't know. Hopefully I'm in photo. That's. Yeah, that's the hope. A guy like you, I would totally have expected you to spread your seed. Spread my seed. I love how you roll with everything. You have a great sense of humor. So six years you've been doing it based out of Columbus, Ohio. So you've been doing the Funny Bone. Yeah. Right. And other places. Yeah. What do you do for fun? What does a retired doctor do for fun? Actually, just the comedy is most important. Let me ask you this. You had two wives. How did the first one end? You cheat on her? No. Okay, what happened? Well, it was one of those things. She was a high school dropout and I was a college dropout and I grew and she didn't. How were you a doctor and a college dropout? Well, at the time. I'm not you at the time. Then I went to college. I went to the army and then I went to college. Okay. What the did you do in the army? I was a medical lab tech. Wow. Yeah, absolutely. They asked me to go go into linguistics, but I said, well, I'm not this language up bad enough. You need me to up another one? Always kind of had a speech impediment all my life. Where do you think that comes from? How does that happen? And have you you that you were a former doctor? What do you think? How does that even happen? I have no idea. I don't know of any trauma, but I understand my father sounded like this, but he grew out of it and I didn't. Wow. His father hit him and your dad didn't want to do that to you. How old are you, Frank? 66. What a terrible age for a guy with your speech. Literally the worst year, Frank. 666 and in six days I turned 77. Jesus Christ Almighty. That thing is aggressive. Yeah. Just lie about your age next time you're 42, way over 50. What is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or, like, they ask you a question, do you ever get in your head? You go, I don't want to say that. You seem like a pretty confident, fearless guy, which I dig, but. Yeah, well, there's sort of three words, but people don't understand four. World and whale. I have no idea what's going on right now. This. I think you just put a curse on me. What the did you just say? You say whale. Forward and whale. Whale. Whale. And the problem is I like my steak medium. Whale. Oh. Oh, yeah. God. Oh, my gosh. You know, if I were the waiter, I'd think you would say, I heard you say you like your steak medium. Whale. Yeah, that's what they usually say. You want that well done? I said, no, I don't want you leather. I want it wet in the middle. But that didn't help much either, did it? Do you have like a long tongue or something like that? I'm trying to figure this out. I don't know. I. I started eating at the age of 13, though. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. And I think my. My tongue became a little muscle back. Okay. And did people tell you you were good at it? Did the ladies? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you can lick it. Just don't say it. Wow. Wow. Great. I'm taking that catchphrase. Incredible. So the second marriage, how did that end? I keyed it on her. Oh, my God. Can you look at. There's women's faces just like. How the. Is that possible? Wait, please tell me. You set her down and you go, so look here, you're about to experience a little bit of trauma. I've been eating another. The gosh is always guino. I've been my speech therapist. Do you have, like, extra teeth or like, is it like. What's. What's the. It's the tongue thing. So your dad grew out of it. How did he grow out of it? I don't know. Most people grow out, at least. Yeah. So do you think a lot of your patients back in the day always got a second opinion? Like, it seems very risky putting their lives in your hands. You just being like your blood was all just not good. I think we need to start talk. But I mean, it's like incredible. You went. It's amazing the life that you had. So you saved enough money from being a doctor. For how long were you a doctor? 27 years. 27 years. Thank you for your service. And you saved enough Money to be able to just live your dreams and do whatever you want in comedy, basically. More or less. Yeah. Yeah. You own a house. Yes. And you have a car. Yes. What kind of car do you have? I have a Hyundai Ionics. Yeah. I'm a cheap bastard. Okay. All right. What's the nicest thing you've ever bought for yourself since you. I had a Mercedes once. Oh. What ended up happening with that? I, I had some economical situations. I had to sell it. Right. And would that be the divorce? And I'm glad. I'm glad. I mean, it was a pain in the butt. It was always expensive to do upkeep on it. Yes, yes. Parts on Mercedes are expensive. Did you get killed in the divorce? Did you get killed in the divorces financially? Well, the first one. Second one. I have a prenup. Better. Yeah. You learn, man. You learn that prenup is critical. Yeah. You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I, I'm serious. I, I, I would love if you would step in. I don't know what you charge, what your rates are. Is it a copay? But can I just text you? It's a lot of things of, like, can you, like, is this, Is this bad? Like, there'll be a spot on my. And I'll be like, hey, is this Anytime. You know what I think we should do? I think you guys should go behind that curtain. I think you should check your process right now. How does that sound? So look at that. Look at that finger. Do that again. Look at that. Oh. Oh, my God. All right, well, I don't know. Yeah, get back there. And then, Tony, if you want to stick your face out of the curtain while he does it, you could feel free to do that, Tony. Oh, yeah. They might be making love by this point. I don't know what's happening. This may have been a crazy idea. Oh, there it is. Okay, here we go. Whenever you're ready. And he says, whenever you're ready. Let's see. I think we're probably. Oh, okay. Well, okay, Come back out, Frank. Okay. He's so adorable. He almost stayed back there. I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger in my butt. I wish I was joking. I thought that was a bit. But he actually put a finger in between my legs. Nobody could see him yet. He's still committed to the bit. Give it up for this guy. That was. Wow. Absolutely. I'm going to need a new pair of pants and a new doctor. Frank, you are a little angel welcome to the kil Tony universe. You are absolutely going to be loved by the people. When you came out, I thought, this guy looks silly as hell. We're going to have a lot of fun talking to him. But the comedy is probably not going to be there. And boy, you absolutely, absolutely crushed the room. I loved it. You are as funny as you look. You are as funny as you sound. I love how you make fun of yourself and laugh at the jokes. Welcome, welcome. Come back. Sign up again. All different shapes and sizes of people here. Absolutely anything can happen. We pull names out of a bucket. And that is where we find all of our regulars. We're out here changing lives. Lives. Giving people an opportunity. Like your next comedian, who is one of the top regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, this is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Uh, that's the only guy on earth that sound worse than me. That n. That nigga talked it terrible. That was horrible, dog. And I just said. And I just said talked it. So that's how I feel about it. I got a new girlfriend now. That's the dumbest shit I ever did in my life. Don't woo for that. Pretty stupid. I got my girlfriend. She pretty. That's a problem. I hate that. I only dated ugly girls by design before. Cause I like ugly women. Cause you can mold a ugly bitch. 12 you want them to be where they gonna leave you. Where you gonna go, Doo doo. You stalk me forever. We locked in for life, you ugly whore. I love you though. You feel me? Cause a bad bitch, she know her worth. Ugly bitch not gonna go nowhere. I had an ugly bitch one time. I miss her so much. We had. I miss her a lot, dog. I remember we was all eating food with my homeboy and shit. All their girlfriends and shit like that. And they had me a little real dude look. But the best thing about it is all my homeboys girlfriends got their food before we. Before we did, right? And they started eating. But my ugly bitch ain't eat. She waited till I got my food. And then my homeboy was like, nigga, she well trained. And I was like, yeah. And then I found out that her boyfriend used to beat her. Thank that man. That's her. That's a good guy. I appreciate him for that. Now, listen, some of y'all didn't clap or laugh at that. You look very sad about that, ma'am. Understand something. I'm not. I'm not saying I would have hit her, but I'm thankful That somebody did, right? And that's my time. Fuck yeah. Bing, bang, boom. Cam Patterson. Another new minute and a half. Oh, shit. Okay. Hell yeah. I love it. The full thing. You've done it again. Not easy to do a new minute every single week. This shit tough. It really is. Shit's up there. I hear all the time about, you know, we just. We're doing stand up all the other nights of the week and you hear like, oh, that was just a da da, da da. Cam had a great set. Cam was here, Cam was there. Ari's here, Ari's there. Everybody's working hard, always writing. It's incredible what we're doing here. And to see you do it, it's insane, right? Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. How's things been going? It's been good, man. I've been pretty cool, man. Shit been dope. I just did Deion Sanders show on Tubi. My dad really excited about that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Prime time. Yeah. Hell yeah. How was it? It was dope. He was cool as, man. Deion Sanders. Hell yeah. The man, he a good dude, man. Is it stand up or. No, it's like a talk show. It was cool. If I end up being on like real tv. And they had gave me like makeup that felt gay. I ain't like that at all. Not gay, nothing. I mean, look, look, I'm cool with the games. Wearing makeup is just. Just fine. No, no makeup. Pretty gay, man. Work on you. Like what kind of. What the that mean, right, man? Yeah. What exactly does that mean at all? What exactly did they do? Huh? What exactly did they do? What kind of makeup did they have? They had regular. Lady came in and did to my face. What was it? What color was the What? I don't know. I didn't ask no questions. I was like, you didn't look. You didn't. You. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know. Closed your eyes. She probably put powder on you, cuz you look like you were baptized in Hennessy, you know what I'm saying? You got to just dab it up and clean you up a little bit. You're an attractive guy, so you don't need. What the that even mean, man? I don't know. This is what he looked like before the makeup. He going to a funeral? Where he going? Who died, man? He is. Who the is dressing D Madness, man. I love it. You got on a. You got on a turtle suit, you know that? It's got a bolo, a penguin tonight. It's Fun. It's fun seeing what D Madness wears. It's fun getting to tell D Madness what he's wearing tonight. It's the only person you get to break the news to. You won't believe this. You. You dress for Prince's funeral. This is crazy. A style king, we bust his balls a lot, but meanwhile, he is weakly the best dressed band member on this show. You would think they're all blind, but now they just don't. Michael Gonzalez has been wearing a upside down Nacho bowl for the last year. No one's talking about it. The old family tortilla over there. The guy. Absolutely incredible. So, Cam, you hung out with Deion Sanders. So you're gonna be at some, like, Colorado games. I went to one. I went to one a couple months ago. Yeah, when they was playing this shit. That shit was dope. Yeah, I would have noticed you, but everybody on the sideline looks exactly like you. But I had a Colorado shirt on and everybody thought I was a recruit. Yeah, and I would line my ass off, too. I'm going. Yeah, yeah. I'm on the way. Who know? I might come for sure. Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, lying like shit. I don't want this to sound racist, but. Okay, wait, wait a minute. That's a terrible start. I know. That's one of the worst starts in America. Well aware of that. But is there like a. Deion Sanders is known for being a flashy, flare filled guy, right? So is there like a cool. Like, did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off? Do you know what I'm saying? That's a good question. Was this handshake complex? Now, we both from Florida, so we got the same. We both from Florida, so it's like, you know what I'm saying? Can you show us. Can you air show us what a handshake would be on? Can he do it? Do it. That guy can't do it. A white guy in sunglasses. Why do you have sung on right now? He could do it wrong with. With you. Yeah. And you're looking at your wife like you better not have go to the Puerto Rican with the gold grill over here. Here he is. Oh, oh, oh. That's it. See, it was simple. Oh, come on. It's real simple. Tony Caruso has a better handshake than that. Let me show you. I can show you a blacker handshake today. Yeah, let's go. Come on, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, follow my lead, all right? Follow my. Wait, they'll play some cool Rap music for me. Come on, like, give them a good year. So let's say I walk into like a black nightclub, right? Which I love, by the way. I love. Cuz you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind. What are you doing? I'm usually looking for some big fat black Tony, but T is it, which is my website. Big fat black backslash. Tony Caruso. So let's say I walk into the club and I go, Cam, good to see you. Yo. Oh, oh, oh. Whoa, oh. Up top, down low. And the reverse fist bump. Fist bump. Crisscross double piece. Working the rib section. Oh. And then in. Oh, yeah, there it is. Thank you. Sorta. Hell yeah. Wow. Wow. Absolutely. And then I call him the N word. But I can do that in the car on the way home. Cam Patterson, we absolutely love you. Congratulations on being you. One of the top rising stars of the industry. The great Camp Patterson makes a noise for his dad. Kenny Patterson's in the house somewhere tonight. We love Kenny Patterson. We love Kenny. Sometimes I sound like Trump. We love his dad. Raised one of the good ones. Hello, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Prize Picks. All Star weekend is almost here and Prize Picks is the best place to win cash while watching your favorite players during the game and the Saturday night events like the Three Point Contest. Sign up today to get $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Think Steph Curry will get more than five three pointers next week. Giannis for more than 35 points. Cook up hot takes with your friends and win real money this basketball season when you and your crew run your game on Prize Picks. Sports specialist Red Ban Tony. I love Prize Picks. There are so many amazing opportunities, opportunities to get on this week on Prize Picks. I'm looking at the football board and selecting Jason Tatum for more than 29 points and Anthony Edwards for more than 25 points. You know who those guys are? That sounds very strong. Red band. I like those picks. Download the app today and use Code Tony to get fifty dollars instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Again, download the app today and use Code Tony to get fifty dollars instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Prize Picks run your game. This is an ad from BetterHelp Online Therapy. We always hear about the red flags to avoid in relationships, but it's just as important to focus on the green flags if you're not quite sure what they look like. Therapy can help you identify those qualities so you can embody the green flag energy and find it in others. BetterHelp offers therapy 100% online. And sign up only takes a few minutes. Visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com all right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ryan Jack. Everybody make some noise for Ryan Jack. We're gonna meet them all together. This is that episode of Hill Tony. Hey, you guys, I'm in therapy. I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know, like, my therapist told me that I have a hard time telling people no. And then he pulled his pants back up. Yeah, that was a tough realization. That was a hard dick to swallow, for sure. You know, I don't know. I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know? Like lately I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube. I can't get enough of these videos. I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos, though, is because they're all titled like porn. Like every cop video on YouTube I click on is titled like, 20 Year Old College girl gets what she deserves. Yeah. Karen gets physical and learns her lesson, you know, Man. Packs heat and shorts. All the classics, you know, and just like porn, the more that I watch these videos, the more I start to develop an unrealistic standard for police officers, you know, like one time I got arrested and the cop pinned me down to the ground and I was like, I can't get hard. I'm sorry, I can't. He tried tasing me, choking me. There you go. Great set. Ryan Jack, the bucket is powerful tonight. An incredible, incredible. Another bucket pull. Jim Norton. Thoughts? Very funny. And every punchline was hidden. I didn't see any of them coming. It was really, really good, man. It was. None of them were predictable. Really good writing. Very funny. Thank you. Appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. Ryan. Jack. How long you been on stand up? About four years. Four years. And you really are in therapy? I am, yeah. Yeah. What types of things, what types of trauma have you had in your life that you talk to your therapist about? Just mostly daddy issues. Like. Yeah, just my dad calling me and all the time. But you know what? What are you gonna do? That's it. That's how you end up being funny? Yeah. Are you Theo Von's kid? I think so. Was your principal also a raccoon? Ryan, where are you from? I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah. Salt Lake City, Utah. Absolutely. You come from a Mormon family? No, no, actually both of my parents were raised Mormon, but I am not. They kept us in Utah for some reason. I don't know why, but absolutely, yeah. How long you been on stand up? Four years. Four years. And what do you do for work? I work at the Dead Rabbit down the street. Oh, that's one of the best bars and restaurants in the city. Yes, that is a place that I have been to, unlike the Liberty. Too Soon. An incredible place. Absolutely mind blowing. Food and drinks. It's an award winning bar. The only other location is in New York City. Won all the awards. The second ever location just a block away here on 6th street, west of here. Can I ask why your parents didn't raise you Mormon? Are you supposed to? I don't know. I think they just wanted to drink alcohol. I don't know. I don't know what their deal was. Did they drink a lot? Yeah, a decent amount. Not. Not too much. I mean my dad binges every now and then, but other than calling you retarded, did he beat you up a little bit? Yeah, almost. I think my mom stopped and my mom was like the saving grace and all. So this trauma, I mean, like I'm pretty sure everybody here. I mean you're the one that brought it. The trauma. I mean, by the way, it's part of the one that was like really drilling on the trauma. I. I don't know. It was mostly a happy childhood. But it seems like, you know, this therapist is, is. Is. Is pretty easy work cut out for him. Yeah, yeah. He collects his check and goes. He's. He's. It's pretty cool. Is this a weekly thing? Yeah, I try to keep it like once every couple of weeks, but yeah, because I'm running out of things to talk about. It's just kind of annoying at this point. Yeah. Talking about my dad. It makes sense. What else have you talked with your therapist about? Oh, just been addiction. Like that. Okay, let's talk about that. What have you been addicted to? What are you addicted to? Eating pennies and putting your finger in the socket? Yeah. No. Brady wedge. What have you done? I've been addicted to a gas station. Kratom. Have you heard of that? Oh yeah. You guys, finally someone respects me. I have some friends that are addicted to that. They don't know they're addicted to that, but there's a couple people that basically everyone that tries Kratom kind of gets. Kind of gets. They really like it. Let's put it that way. I'm not sure if we have any sponsors right now that are great them. So I think. What is it? Yeah, what is it? What is it? It's a. It is an herb. That's how they. That's how they. It's a natural herb, much like cocaine and. And so the gas. Heroin. Yeah. They sell this at gas stations and it's considered non addictive. And what I've noticed is that people that have been addicted to things that are trying to not be addicted to things, try this. And they get addicted to this. But they say that they're not addicted to it, but they do a little bit more every single week. Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now. That was a great. Yeah, yeah. If you like it, get it from our people, whoever they meet. Did you ever try it? Yes. To send us all of this. Yeah. I don't do. I don't do anything. I'm a very, very simple man. I know. I don't do it. I don't go to the liberty. Yeah. Ryan. Jack. So you got addicted to gas station kratom. How wild did things get? What was your lowest point on gas station Kratom? Do you ever suck a for? Nah, dude. Oh, wow. Red band. Very fast red band. No, I suck for free. It's. That's really. I just. I. I blow. I'm also bisexual, but. Oh, that sucks. Sort of. It's just. And then buy your own kratom. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, I, I mostly just spending all my money on that, you know, That's. That's really it. That's. Did your dad not like that you were bisexual? Like, he called you retarded, but was that really the problem? He ignores it. I think. He doesn't really. Yeah, I, I think my dad had My brother. Huh. Has ignored or just my. My dad hinted at me like, being straight and my brother was like, oh, Ryan's bisexual. And I was like, all right, that's cool. That's fine. Just don't your brother out you. Yeah. How did you. And that's how your dad found out. Yep. Yeah. So he's more men and you're more men. Yeah, absolutely. How did you first know that you were bisexual? And is it like 50? 50, 50. How does that work? 60, 40 women? I say it's like 50, 50. I don't know. I just always like playing with the boys on the school grounds when I was a kid. Way to save that there at the end with the. When I Was a kid. I was a child. Not now. We almost found out what your real therapy sessions were. All good. Oh, yeah. So what type of fiddling would you do with your classmates back in the day? I mean, mostly. I mean, wasn't until I was. I didn't fondle with anyone back then. But I mean, like in high school, I would hook up with friends and stuff. D Madness just let out a homophobic. All my friends watch the show. I'm sharing way too much right now. But it's fine. Sometimes I forget. D Madness is homophobic. But he can not hide it, ladies and gentlemen. You just heard him go like this. Yeah. He literally sounded like a blind queef. Great band name. They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday. Now you have great delivery. You came out. You have a cool look, right? I think there's a comedy checklist for me. It's cool look. Easy delivery and confidence. And you hand all three, four years. Do you feel like it's going to. You're going to stand the test of time, or is this like a hobby for you? I. I'm going to try my best to make this work. Work full time, you know, just keep doing my thing, you know, you should stick with it. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. I love it. Do you talk about being bi on stage? Yeah, I do. I do have some bits about that. Okay, good. Yeah, There you go. Everyone's got to know. I don't know. Sound like you're dead, but what's the longest set you've ever done, Ryan? 10 minutes. I'd love to have you do a short set on the secret show. There you go. You did it. Here's the big joke. Buck. Here again is Ryan. Jack, ladies and gentlemen. Yep. Okay, great. You guys are in for a special treat. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show is here, ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest young ladies working today from Nashville, Tennessee. She is here, ladies and gentlemen. This. This is a brand new minute from Fiona Cauley, everybody. You know her, you love her. Nashville's finest many time performer on the show. Golden ticket winner. This is a brand new minute from. Make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody. So something I have noticed since being in a chair, I don't think that women see me as like a threat, like to their romantic relationships, which I find fucking ridiculous. Cause I am perfect. Height does suck your dude's dick. That's not a joke. That's a threat. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't Suck dick. Not during allergy season. That's just dangerous. Talk about head cold. Thank you. Fiona Cauley, everybody, with a brand new minute. It. Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Where do we even begin with you? Welcome back. Thank you. Absolutely. Always Wonderful. There's a. There was a lot that happened there. Have you sucked dicks while sitting in the chair before? Is that a thing that you do? You have a boyfriend? I always see him. Yeah. Just I got to be charged forward and back. Yeah, that is correct. I love it. And how long have you been with your boyfriend again? A year and a half. Year and a half. So you guys have been through a lot together, huh? How's it all going? Good. He's actually not my boyfriend anymore. Oh. My fiance. Whoa. Look at that. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Incredible. So until really, really soon do you part. Yeah. Fiona gets it. True comedian. Okay. She's not laughing as hard as I was hoping she would be. Keep it. Keep it in. Yodi. No, it's just nice. He doesn't have to worry about, like, a runaway bride. That's true. Or a prenup. That's true. Or a prenup. Ah, good point. There you go, Rhett. No one knows how to stop the momentum faster than old Red band here. A prenup, Anybody? Anyway, so what's going on? Are your parents excited? Is your dad gonna roll you down the aisle? Isolate that audio. I want that for my new email alert. Ah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That was. That was my favorite moment of the whole show. Ah. There are so many. The wedding. I mean, I can't even imagine. We're going to tie a bunch of, like, cans and stuff to the back of your chair, just married on the back, just clank your ass. That will happen. Yeah. It'll be good. Absolutely. Very happy for you. Yeah. Thank you. Anyone can do it, you know. That's true. That's true. You're going to fucking throw that bouquet behind you. Really, really shallow throw. Everyone will be crisscross. Apple. Sl. Right behind you. Right behind you. Applesauce. Or as you call it, three meals a day. No, I'm kidding. She can eat normal meals, people. We're kidding. She's. We laugh a lot. She's a golden ticket winner. Damn it. I love it. Honeymoon. Where are you gonna honeymoon? Cabo. Whoa. Wow. What are you most excited about? About this wedding. When. When is it? In October. Okay. It's gonna be in Nashville. All right, beautiful. It's in October. What are you excited about? What's a. What's a The tax break. Okay. All right. Who's going to marry you? You got a pastor or a friend or my stepdad. There we go. Perfect. Yeah, perfect. Is he ordained? Huh? All right, I don't know what I'm talking. Great question. Is he ordained? Is he ordained? Is he legal to do it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me ask you this. Did. Did you. How did he propose to you? It was good. Yeah, let's. Let's hear about it. I bet you're real easy to surprise. Just gets down behind you. He's like, babe, spin around. You're not gonna believe this. Oh, my. There he. He is. There he is. It's incredible. The same guy from the prenup Momentum stop earlier is the same. Welcome to the show, Red Band. He has arrived. Been sitting on that queue all night. So let's hear. How did he propose to you? First, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called bad idea. Oh, Mr. Yeah. Yeah. He got my ass, dude. It was terrible. Yeah. So then I got a text from the booker at Zany's, and she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me, had to come right away. And comedy, it's fucking weird. So I was like, maybe that's real. I don't know. So we left the restaurant. We're both real nervous in the car. I thought for, like, the same reason. No. And we got there, and I'm fucking all the way up, zooming around the corner and. Yeah. And then I see the zaniest photographer, and I was like, what the fuck? And there's always a photographer there, Always there, ready to ruin a great surprise. It's always. And then Matt goes, come back here for a second. I looked up at the marquee and it said, will you marry me? Oh, my God. Wow. Now, did you say. Did you. That's so sweet. Did you immediately say yes, or did you go, let me think about it? No, it's a really beautiful story. Sorry I had to do that. But wait, so. And that was how long ago again? A year ago. The proposal. Yeah, that was a week ago. Oh, my God, that's beautiful. A week ago. She's still on the same chair charge that she hasn't even had to plug in yet. Can you play PlayStation on that, too? There's a USB right here. Is it really? Yeah. I could hear debate. That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. You steer the Titan Sub with that? Yeah, the thing that died. They all died on it. Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. You're doing great, Fiona. What do you like to do? For fun. When you come to Austin, Texas, I always go to Terry Black. Okay. Yeah. You have good taste. Yeah. That place sucks. It's so good. Yes. Yeah, it did. It really does. What? What's your favorite thing to get when you're there? You're going to hate me. Oh, boy. Mac and cheese. You go to Terry Blacks for the Mac and cheese? Oh, look at all the fat asses going crazy for this. Just a bunch of people on their last breaths. No, Mac and cheese is good, but the Mac and cheese. Are you fucking giddy. Let me tell you something, Fiona. We're trying to take care of you here. I'm going to. I'm going to have you talk to a doctor. His name is Frank Sentiment. I want you to make him say free tricks to text Fiona. Callie, we have wi wuy bad news. This Mac and cheese is not a good idea if you want to sustain us. What do you mean? Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable. Everybody loves you so goddamn much. You're such a part of the family. Congratulations on the October wedding. Make some noise for Fiona Cauley, everybody. All right, Red Band. Jesus Christ. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi as well? Oh, Fiona, just ran into deep madness. We're having a real battle of the titans over here. Nobody knows what the fuck's going on. D Madness is like, who put a motorcycle on my foot? Oh, my God. Live from Radio City Music hall, it's the SNL50 homecoming concert. Featuring performances by Arcade Fire, the B52, Backstreet Boys, Bad Bunny, Bonnie Raitt, Brittany Howard, Brandi Carlisle, Chris Martin, Dave Grohl, David Byrne, Devo, Eddie Vedder, Jack White, Jelly Roll, Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Mumford and Sons, Post Malone, the Roots and more. Celebrating 50 years of SNL music. February 14th at 8pm Eastern. Catch it live on Peacock. Since you're new to H and R Block, we'll look at your returns from the last three years for any money your last guy might have missed for free. I could get money back from last year. You could. We'll find any mistakes. Could have really used that two years ago when I dated that mistake for five months. Don't leave money on the table. Switch to HR Block and get a free Second look review. Second look is included at no additional cost with the purchase of tax preparation. Results vary. All tax situations are different. Fees apply if you have us file an amended return. We having fucking fun tonight, huh? I don't know how we do it every week. This has been a great night for the bucket. Big Smooth, next Bucket Poll, anything can happen. This is Jack McWilliams. Jack McWilliams. I hooked up with a girl the other day and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop. I was like, of course not that kind of guy. I'm not going to pressure. Did you say a safe phrase? Don't you mean a safe word? She said, no, no, no, no. A safe word isn't specific enough. I could yell at any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop. I was like, totally. I'm on the same page. It just feels more complicated that way. Like I'm not trying to hack your email here. Is there going to be numbers, symbols and upper and lowercase letter involved? I just. What if we made it a random word that you'd never yell out in the heat of the moment, like Gandhi. You're not yelling out Gandhi in the heat of the moment. And even if you do, I feel like I could tell if it's a bad Gandhi or like a gimme more kind of Gandhi. You know what I mean? It's all on the tone now. She said her safe phrase is hey, stop doing that. Thank you, Jack McWilliams. I've never heard Matt Muhling laugh so hard in my entire life. He absolutely loved that punchline. Incredible. Jack, welcome to the show. That is amazing that you had a set all about a safe word or safe phrase because you are one of the rapiest looking guys without a doubt that that's ever been on this show. Every rapist ever looks up to you. Yeah, that is what they look like. You look like that and I look down on all the non rapists. There you go. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand up, Jack? Eight years. Eight years? Where at Chicago. The whole time in Chicago. Thanks. Two years in Bloomington, Indiana where I went to college and then in Chicago. Yeah. Okay. How tall are you? You're a big man. 6? 5. Wow. Do people get. Did everyone think that you look kind of crazy? Because you look like everyone that's ever accidentally smothered a hooker. Yeah, like you didn't mean to do it, you apologized after, but it just happened. Got carried away. I'm very, I'm very apologetic afterwards and it's hard to know my own strength and size. But yeah, we're figur. Well, you're holding that mic. What a giant meat hook you. It's like me with a dog dick in my Hand. Yeah. Jack, I love it. What do you do for a lip living? I'm a caddy. Oh, a real golf caddy. Wow. How long you been on that for? Four seasons. Okay. Chicago. It's a seasonal job. I found one here in Austin, though, that's a little sporadic. But you live here now, so. I'm long distance with a girl in Austin. I've been living with her since November. We've been dating over a year. I'm at Spanish Oaks Golf Club. Yeah. Very, very nice. Shout out. No doubt about it. They'll be super pumped to hear about the rape. It's gonna be good. Absolutely. Seems good. He's doing good. Spanish Oaks, keep him close. This is where I'm from. I love the way my meat hooks grab their driver. What does the girlfriend do for a living? She works at heb. Oh, wow. Everyone's favorite. No doubt about it. Instant crowd pop. Always for heb. What is she do? There she is in the beauty section, though. In a month, she's starting management training. Wow, look at that. Everything you guys touch turns to gold over there. And how did you end up meeting this girl? Longdistance relationship. Chicago and Austin. She visited Chicago and came to a comedy show where I was. I was the headliner, essentially the last comedian. Hello. And then what happens? She comes up to you and goes, really freaking. I have a bit where I take a girl to the airport after three dates. You know, super not rapey thing to do. It's just being a gentleman. She clapped for me in the audience, and then I kind of did a quick interaction and tied her up. Yeah, pretty much right after this. And then what? You guys went on a date and she was flying back the next day. When she said she was lives in Austin, I was like, well, I've been meaning to visit there for this show. Did you guys hang out that night or anything? Yeah, for a few hours. What'd you do? You go over to the Bean? Yeah. Yeah. Happens to be a landmark that I know a lot about. I always ask for consent before I go to the bean. Sure. 100%. Nobody believes you. What did she. What did she like about you say, what does she like? What does she say that she likes? What does she have? She says, I'm very kind. God damn it. What'd you say, Jim? I just knew it would bomb. And I said, no, nobody heard it. No, no, no, no. No one knows who he is. I said, she has an Edmund Kemper finish. I know that reference. That's great. Damn it. He's saying, you look like a big, rapey serial killer. I say it with love. I like him. I really appreciate it. Yeah, he's great. Wait, what? How do you keep. I've done long distance 14 times. So how. You have a. You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting. Right. You can cheat or you can do phone sex. Yep. The big two. Say it again. The big two. The big two. Yeah. Well, do. How do you keep it fresh? How do you keep connected? She would visit, like, every six weeks during caddy season. And then now I've been here for a few months. Are you a good caddy? Back to back caddy of the year and at my club in Chicago. Absolutely incredible. Yeah. How did you get so good at it? Well, my co workers are either alcoholics or children, so it's not the highest bar. That's also who your victims are. Got it. Standing ovation from Antonio Caruso. I love it. Jack, before I let you go, what would we be surprised to know about you? Other than I have not sexually assaulted anybody? Yeah. Say to one of the cameras for your work. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Anything wild? Any fun hobbies or anything? I got a DUI for smoking pot when I was 19. Whoa. Bloomington, Indiana, Wisconsin. I was taking a road trip. Oh, boy. Yikes. My goodness. How'd you get caught? You admitted it. We had just hotboxed the car with two joints. So he pulled us over and was, like, pulling you over for a traffic violation? We said, what's the traffic violation? And he just said, how much marijuana is in the car? All right. We were 19. We didn't really, like. We know our rights. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. We kind of. You want to be my. You want to be my doctor? I like you a lot. You're very funny. I do. You're kind. Thank you. Gay. I don't know. I went from being just a rapist to your doctor. So that's a pretty good. That's it. Not the first one. Yeah. You should have seen the other rapey doctor that was here earlier. Redband. You know, I'd love for you to headline the Secret Show Thursday. Holy. Look at that. And a big joke book. You did it. There he goes. Jack McWilliams, ladies and gentlemen. And yo, the bucket pulls on this show. Out of control right now. Let's get one more up here. Let's see if we could go for it tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dagan Asaha. Dagan Asaha. So I live in a gentrified white neighborhood, so there's a lot of pressure on me to be the friendly local black guy. And it's tough, you know, it's hard. It's hard being a real nigga when you live on Avocado Street. It's hard because people don't understand race. You know, like, one time I was at a comedy show and I was watching a black comedian perform. He was saying the N word a lot. And this white woman next to me turned to me and she was like, am I allowed to laugh? I was like, absolutely not. As a matter of fact, every time you hear the N word, hold your breath. All right? That's my time. Diggin Aspaha. Am I saying that right? Dagan. Dejan. Dejan. Yeah, yeah. Dejan. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Another amazing set. Congratulations to you. How long you been on stand up? Three years. Three years? Where at? I started in la, and then I moved back to Seattle like, a year ago. What made you move to Seattle from a la? There was no reason to be there in la. Right. I love it. Do you. Do you keep in touch with Captain Phillips? I already knew that was coming. You might as well play the Lion King music now. Well, you know what? Let me just. All right. What does Dean mean? Is that a de. Oh, we got you. We got you there. You didn't see that one coming. I knew. We got you there. We got you. You took the bait. Oh, that's tonight's fruit by the foot queue of the night. What do you do for work, Dayjun? I was. I'm about to work as a tutor. I'm gonna work with kids, but I was just working security right now. Okay, what are you gonna be tutoring them in? You really are in a gentrified neighborhood. Taking you for the tutor type. That was, like, at an elementary school. Oh, wow. I did that too, when I was in LA for a bit. Okay. Yeah. All right. Tutoring kids. Is it fun working with kids? Kids like me, generally. You might be the only bucket pool tonight that's allowed near kids. That's some retired doctors, some scary, scary individuals up here. Yeah, I love it. What's your love life like? Oh, I'll be dating casually. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? What are you into? What type of woman are you? What type of big booty are you? What was that noise? That was. That was the noise of a pig. That was Red Band. Red Band thinks that big booty implies that they are. They are heavy eaters, man. That's crazy. You Say I do, like a. A fat ass. I don't know how I guessed. I. I just really just had just a hunch of some kind. I don't know how fat. Could you do, like, a thing with your hands? Like, how big? I mean, if she. I like grabbing it, you know, I like. Yeah. Is she on top? Yeah. What the did you just do? What was that? What was that? Yeah. Are you painting her back with cray? Is she on top? I'm doing this right. I don't know what that is either. Yeah, that is. Well, maybe you don't know Tony Caruso. No, I'm a. I'm a stand up against the wall guy. Always. No sitting down. Once I sit down, I'm going to bed. No doggy style. My knees can't handle it. I'm up against the wall. The clock, closet of the fridge. Good night. You know, when you do doggy style, you're not supposed to be on all fours. You know that, right? All right. Tony Robbins. Jesus Christ. Can I just have a conversation with Saquon Barkley or whoever the. This guy is now? You said you were security. You said you were. Yeah. You said you were security for who, Panera? No, who. Who are you security for? You said security. I just. I've done security work for just, like, office buildings around type shit. Great. So, yeah, any office building that needs to. Somebody just watch. Yeah. I used to do that just because it was, like, cushy and I could, like, write jokes during the daytime. Yep. But I had the other security job I had. They were just trying to make somebody do, like, actual security. And I was like, no. Yeah. They would be like, confront that crackhead. No, I'd be like, what? They'd be like, you're good. You don't have a gun. But it's okay. Like, yeah, because it was unarmed security. I was like, that's a paradox. Right, Exactly. You're skateboarders and shit. Damn. Right. Yeah. That's the name of my next special. N word. That's a paradox. Can't say it. All right. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. What do you. What else do you do for fun, Dejan? I mean, it's hard to have hobbies because I'm constantly doing this shit. Yep. But honestly, casually dating. I was dating a lot when I got back to Seattle. What do you like to do? What's your move? What? Give us some tricks. Give us some dating with Dejan tricks. What are some. What do you like to. Girl, how do you close. Wait, what is it? Dejan. Dejin. Yeah. All right. Dejan. Yeah, I'm gonna take the A out of this and just go with the E. D. You made my name black, Dejan. Well, I mean, that's. Let the record show this is not an easy job. Most television show hosts have a pre interview. They fucking, they meet the person before his name is spelled D, A, E, which is day, and then it's G, E, N. I know, it's spelled confusing. Yeah, you have a point. Point. I don't mind when people mispronounce it. Can you imagine being on a date with this guy? And she's like, so it's so nice to meet you, Dejan. And he's like, hey, you be bragging on my name. Hey, you know what's crazy? Somebody mispronounced my name while I was hitting it too. Oh yeah, she said it just the way you said it. What is she, Beetlejuice? Yeah, she's like, ooh, ooh, Dejan. And I was like, uh huh? You're like, it's Dejan. Yeah, it's Dejin, bitch. It's Dejin. Spell it. D, E, J, U, A, I. Get off my. I'm sorry to blacken up your name. I'm sorry. So, Dejan Quay. Tell us. Oh, I knew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are some dating tricks of yours before I get you out of here, you gotta, you gotta schedule. If you talking to her, you gotta schedule the date asap, like within the first five messages, type Yep. And then you meet her in person. And then, by the way, I'm not no like that be getting all the time. But that's what you have to say. I get it. But you got to schedule the day asap. Do some simple shit, just talk to her, get drinks type shit. You don't got to take her to an aquarium. You're goddamn right. You're goddamn right you don't got it. Hell yeah. And introduce the idea of sex ASAP. That's what I absolutely my early 20s. I, I that up. I never like. Yeah, you go to the aquarium? Yes. Aquarium is your brother's name, right? Oh my God, you are fantastic. What's the longest set you've ever done, Dejan? 20. 20 minutes on the secret show. Book it. Lock it. Big joke book. Unbelievable performance Dedgency as Faha has arrived. What an unbelievable bucket night of bucket pulls we've had. And before we put a ribbon on this thing, I think it's time we bring to the stage someone to give us a little violin performance. Everybody, ladies and gentlemen, make some Noise for Jake Kennedy, everyone. I think it's Jake Kennedy right? Where the is he? Oh, my God. How adorable is this? Oh, my God. The world's smallest violin. Literally. Give me some right lighting for this situation. This is an all time kill Tony first. We've never. Out of all the musical excitement that we've ever had, we've never had a violinist. I'm very excited about this. Play something that's not Copyrighted music, please. YouTube has an unbelievable computer system. Stronger than ever to be able to copyright strike us. Even me saying the word copyright strike might be a copyright strike. They are so strict nowadays. Ladies and gentlemen, this a first in the kill Tony universe. The first violin performance from one of the most absolutely adorable little Oompa Loompas we've ever seen our entire lives. Here with his tiny little fingers. Hold the mic next to it. Tony. We got it. We gotta relax. Tony, sit the down. Don't ask any questions. Relax. Can you play the cool runner? There you go. Yes, there you go. Okay, shut the up. Ladies and gentlemen, as we all settle in and relax for this performance. This is. Oh, there's a lot going on. They'll figure it out. They'll figure it out. They're professionals. Jake, just play. Jake is used to playing with a bunch of little mice. He normally plays in a band of mice. Mees they're called. When there's a group of tiny little mees. Ladies and gentlemen, this with the tiniest fingers we've ever seen is Jack Kennedy Sa Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show. They are on their feet here in the live music cabin capital of world. Tony Garuso's gonna throw his jacket out there. He's got a big joke book. He's got a little joke book. He's got the musical performance of a lifetime. One more time for Jake Kennedy, ladies and gentlemen. Jake, you know what? I want you to join the band one of these nights. Coming up, talk to John De. You're going to be a band member. Not full time, but he's going to make a couple appearances. We'll see what happens. You'll see him over there with the horn players or something. Luckily, we can fit him anywhere on the stage. You would think we've run out of room. He's literally the only musician that we can add. Add. Add sound. Sound check, check, check something. Check, check, check, check, check something. Check that. There you go. It's Kino, everybody. The great famous Kino Tony. That was who said earlier during soundcheck that he'll never make another mistake again. That was the best Make a wish musical performance I've ever seen. It is incredible. You know there was a band that played during the sinking of the Titanic. Not a lot of people know this, but Jake played the violin during the. When that little sub went down to go play. And yeah, he was playing that. He can fit in there. He can fit in crazy places. So he was in a little submarine playing and when the thing exploded, he fucking. The violin had a. He's. He's light enough, he's buoyant enough. He fucking shot right up to the surface. It's absolute. That's actual sound of him coming back up to the surface. Look, this guy's had a few weeks off. There's only one way to end a fucking episode like this. It's been way too long. You guys know what's about to happen. As I bring to the stage the hall of famer with the most appearances ever, with the most interviews ever. This is the long awaited return. The longest we've ever gone without seeing him. This is the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery. When Trump's people took over, they discovered Biden had budgeted $50 million for condoms in Gaza. I'd heard they do a lot of tunneling over there, but damn, they just found vomit in denmark that is 66 million years old. Red band. You never told me you did stand up for cavemen. Because when somebody does so bad, it's stand up the people in the audience vomit. That's what I was going for. So I've got a rebranding opportunity instead of Goldman Sachs. Goldman sex. It's not about your asset size, it's your circumcise. A woman recently went blind when she accidentally put nail glue in her eyes instead of eye drops. I'm not a doctor, but here's some advice. Don't do that again, you stupid bitch. Okay, that's my time exactly 59.99 seconds. Almost like a man with the all time record. The man who's done it more than anybody else. William, we have missed you. Welcome back home. Thank you so much. It really is so nice to be back. This is kind of a. Honestly, this is a very cautionary tale. I was playing too much Call of Duty and it made me depressed, Tony. So I stopped playing it, I think three weeks ago. Now I'm back working out and reading books, trying to get out of my funk that I have in my brain. Because seriously, if you're out There grinding for these camouflages on your weapons. It turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare. So if you're one of these people doing this, stop immediately. Start working out, start reading books. Do something different for your brain because it really. Tony turned very dark for me. It is true. It is true. You had a video game addiction. The closest you would get to doing anything else would be to look. Look out of your blinds and complain about whatever your neighbors in the parking lot were doing. It became. Became a cautionary tale. You went down a rabbit hole. Well, I'm reading next to my window, so I'm still able to look out. And Tony, somebody recently moved into one of the apartments and they weren't supposed to. This is now the second time I've caught a homeless person moving into the apartments next to me. So I'm still got my eyes out on there. Wow, look at that. Some things never change. I know I have to have a purpose. How do you break a Call of Duty addiction? How do you break it? Just start shooting real people. Yeah. How did you wean yourself off of it? You were in very deep. Yeah, I really. Tony was feeling horrible in my brain. I was so horribly down. And I would like to think I'm going to blame it on the Call of Duty and things are better now that I'm not playing the Call of Duty. But seriously, it was. It was. I was playing, I don't know, 15 hours a day. It's a real thing. I don't allow my. I don't allow myself to have a legit video game system. Yeah, don't ever do it because it's so fun. I know, it's really fun, but it's very, very easy to just sit there and live a life of fantasy. Yes. And there's perhaps a lot of people out there listening right now. I'd imagine that look up to you and you know, which is absolutely insane to me. And. Well, there was one sweet guy on an Instagram post I did. He's like, oh, my gosh, I was going through bad times. Your comedy's really helped me. I was gonna kill myself or something. And then some piece of shit said, well, you should have killed yourself then, dumb ass, because I don't know. Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that, so I didn't think you were gonna read it. So tomato, tomato. But you know, if, by the way, seeing a guy play Call of Duty with a Sesame street live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing. Imagine being a Postmates driver dropping off Soup to you. You walk out being like, I just lost six more of my friends. And he's like, all right, man. You look like a guy going to now to look for ladyboys. But, you know, here's the truth. Well, I got this at Disney World. And Tony, I went to Disney World at the beginning of the year. Nobody ever go to Disney World or Universal Studios in January because everybody was sick. And I ended up with the flu for two weeks. Tony, I got 104 fever one of the nights and I was almost getting in the ice bath in my bathtub, almost getting my girlfriend to put rubbing alcohol on my body. I didn't know what to do. Wow. What Ended up solving your problem. It just went down the next day so I didn't have to go to the doctor. What's your favorite ride at the D World? It's a Small world. Yeah, I love that one. It's real nice. Just all the cultures coming together. It's chill. Love that. It. I love it. Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. What are your big plans for 2025? This is our, I believe, first time seeing you this year. Is that correct? Yeah, it's been January off. We miss you, William. You're. You're a staple of the comedy world and you're one of the finest guys. I mean, you just took 20 years off. What the. Do you know? I've got YouTube. Yeah. I don't know. This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that. That you're. That we. That you're needed. You're needed. You, Tony. Yeah. You're talking. You're talking to him like a felt. You're talking to a fellow kill Tony hall of famer. Well, I just. I feel like he brings a lot to the. To not only the show, but to the world. So that's what I'm trying to say. I could not absolutely agree more. William, you are a ridiculous superstar. You are our Conor McGregor, our Hulk Hogan. You are the man. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only William of Montgomery. Is that violinist still back there? Is he still back there? Does he have his little tiny instrument? Is. Does he. Is he violinist? Yes, he left. Oh, that's a shame. Well, then our normal band will play us out. Test was tonight's episode. Everybody make some noise for Jim Norton. Jim Norton can't save you. Available every. Everywhere. It's a new, unbelievably awesome show. Tony Caruso is on tour with Adam Ray, believe it or not. Incredible. Adam has such an open mind. One of the great creative forces of the world. He has Dr. Phil on tour. He has his own stand up tour. He kills it everywhere he goes. Everything he touches turns to gold. Dr. Phil will. With Dr. Phil on Netflix, a lot of other unbelievable things happening. So for you to get to work with Adam Ray is incredible. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Tony Caruso? How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton? The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers did tonight. Oh, it's me. Ooh la la. Look at that. And dehydrated me. Filled with testosterone and a lack of water. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter and nicked nicotine pouches. That's NYKD. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Everybody. I'm on tour. By the time this episode comes out, tickets will be on sale. I'm doing the Honda center in Anaheim, California. A very big arena. I'm doing stand up there. Who knows, maybe some friends from LA will be able to make a little drive pop in. Who knows? I don't know. We'll see. You talk to your buddy Adam for me. Put in a good word. It's gonna be amazing. I'm also doing the Maverick center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a bunch of other great places. Detroit, some casinos, big fancy joints. All of it's@tonyhenchcliffe.com or Ticketmaster. There's still, I think, a couple tickets available for the Kill Tonys in Nashville at the Bridgestone Arena April 4th and 5th. And a lot of other fun stuff. Red band, you know, William has a podcast called the William Montgomery show with our friend Casey Rocket. Check it out, guys. Yes. Yes. Support everyone in the Kill Tony family. We love you. We love, love you guys. You guys are the heart and soul of it all. Good night. Thank you. We love you. Goodbye, everybody. This guy's a legend in the comedy game. Took 20 years off a stand up, but he's back in the game now. 20 years since I've been on stage, but it's time to get back to it. I'm gonna go give it a shot. Shots in the material. There we go. Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony, turn your back on the saddle as they say, and see if that old horse still comes. Right. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.