#706 - 2025 NYE

Summary

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Kill Tony #706 – 2025 NYE (Recorded at Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX, Feb 15, 2025)

Episode Overview

This wild, marathon New Year's Eve special of Kill Tony delivers the signature chaos, roast battles, and unpredictable moments the show is known for—escalated to new heights inside a packed Texas arena. Host Tony Hinchcliffe, co-host Brian Redban, and the panel (including James McCann and Joe DeRosa) helm an energy-charged evening of comedian bucket pulls, show regulars, iconic comedy legends (Andrew Dice Clay, Brian Holtzman), and unforgettable surprise guests like The Undertaker. It's a dazzling three-and-a-half-hour ride mixing ruthless roasts with heart, crowd participation, sex and drugs stories, midnight kisses, and a rockstar finale featuring Gary Clark Jr. and a singalong to "Come Together".

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Highlights

1. Legendary Lineup & Running Themes

• Massive Scale; Arena Vibes:
  Tony repeatedly hypes the scope: “Who’s ready for the best night of your lives, huh?” (05:17), noting how the show makes comedians too famous to book for New Year's.
• The Undertaker Surprise:
  “It's the Undertaker. Austin’s own Mark Calloway!” (14:17) brings wrestling legend vibes and keeps everyone (“comedians better stick to your time tonight”) on edge.
• Chaos, Roasts, and Inside Jokes:
  A true NYE Kill Tony blend: roasts, references to controversy (Trump rally, “Puerto Rican unpleasantness”), relentless jabs at appearance and background, and plenty of self-aware humor.

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2. Notable Performances and Comedian Interviews

Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket Winner) [17:49]

• Opens the show: “Some guys say they have gaydar. I have boners too… My voice is similar to RFK Jr…”
• Post-set, jokes about antidepressants, sex with a Puerto Rican woman to “repair the relationship between the show and Puerto Rico.”

  “I’m willing to have sex with as many women for as good as the show.” – Martin Phillips (20:45)

What the Hector [25:27]

• Wrestling nostalgia and sex jokes (“Undertaker… because I’m dead inside too”).
• Admits to living in an RV with two cats to fight rats, recently called the cops on “a bald-headed white lady, all drugged out and naked.”

  “This is the most Latino I’ve ever heard in my life. You stole cats to watch for rats in the RV…” – Tony Hinchcliffe (29:25)

Liz Splat [35:05]

• Ten-year cancer survivor, sharp jokes about wishing John Cena was her Make-A-Wish (but sexually explicit, as she was 19 at the time).
• Engages with panel about body size post-cancer and outsized genitalia (“Probably half a thumb”).

  “John, my pussy’s bald too, you know.” – Liz Splat (35:31)

Uncle Laser [49:48]

• Blue-collar wildman energy: stories about sending “field mouse dick” pics for a plane ticket, wearing a “euthanized husky” around his neck, and a heartfelt thank-you to Tony.

  "Tony Hinchcliffe created a fucking culture. You hear me?" – Uncle Laser (55:21)

Aaron Belial [62:51]

• Tech-enhanced set about “the first female president—Trump could transition” using deep-fake-style Trump and Biden voices.

  “Usually I would need to edit clips together for a joke like that, but that was all from a single interview.” (64:00)

• Engages in roast battles about disability and sexuality; defends himself from attempted goading into offensive voice jokes.

Vic Shiv Dasani [73:52]

• Wheelchair comic (“I do sit-down, not stand-up”) recounts the accident that paralyzed him (“leaned over the balcony after drinking twelve drinks”); honest Q&A about sex and wheelchair basketball, receives his first Austin kiss on stage (mild chaos ensues).

  “Finally someone with a disability on this show who can enunciate.” – Vic Shiv Dasani (86:31)

Tim Hill [101:48]

• Edgy bits about women’s orgasms, sobriety, and a jaw-dropping confession about a “three-way with a woman with a dick and my girlfriend, streamed live for money”:

  "You and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here." — Tony (109:08)

David Lucas [114:33]

• Returns, fires up the roast engine (“Tony, you look like a gay going through a divorce”), then launches a savage volley involving half the panel, calling out weight, looks, and sexuality with atomic energy.

  “Joe DeRosa, you look like one of them rattlesnake preachers... Look at that head out here looking like Jimmy Neutron.” – David Lucas (118:45)

Andrew Dice Clay [127:54]

• Drops classic nursery-rhyme dirty limericks; launches an extended bit about abusing Alexa and old-school sex advice (“be a mechanic, work the beefy clam chops…”).

  "I should have... I mean, you. Number one. Let's hear for Tony Hinchcliffe. He's unreal." – Andrew Dice Clay (127:54)

Brian Holtzman [155:58]

• Tirade about gender roles, feelings, gift cards, and not putting away shopping carts—steamrolling through the crowd and panel indiscriminately.

  “We don't give a fuck about your feelings. Feelings go up and down. They're like a fart. Once you fart you don't miss that fart.” – Brian Holtzman (161:45)

Ari Matin [165:13]

• Physical act-outs about trying to suck his own dick; banter about stealing from Walmart and being white in America.

William Montgomery (Final Set) [175:32]

• Surreal one-liners, impressions, and the night’s closing routine: “My New Year’s resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters.”
• Closes with jokes about quitting comedy to work on trains, then joins the entire crew for the finale.

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3. Running Gags, Roasts & Memorable Quotes

• "You Suck, Dude" – Tony on Joe Barnholtz's rap/guitar set (60:04)
• Roasts of physical appearance, sexual orientation, and accidental blunders abound, e.g.

  "Your hat is on the last notch!" – Tony & Joe to Joe DeRosa (122:43)

• Audience Participation:
  • Kiss for Vic (in a wheelchair)
  • Bucket pulls relentlessly booed or cheered, mid-set interviews keep energy up.

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4. Notable Moments & Crowd Interactions

• [16:38] Tony: “I have to host a show while living my own Make-A-Wish.” (after The Undertaker walks out)
• [85:05] Vic Shiv Dasani gets a wild, messy New Year’s kiss from a female audience member.
• Water bottle magic trick fails (twice), culminating in horse sound effects (by Sarah Sloan) [150:05, 152:16]
• Redban attempts to suck his own dick on stage (169:20):

  “He smells better than you’d think. And his ass is cleaner than you’d think.” – Tony Hinchcliffe (171:09)

• Show finale [181:10]: Gary Clark Jr. and full cast sing “Come Together” as confetti flies.

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5. Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

Opening Banter

• [05:17] Tony: “Who’s ready for the best night of your lives, huh?”
• [14:17] The Undertaker appears: “Austin’s own, the Undertaker. Mark Calloway.”

First Comedian: Martin Phillips

• [17:49] Martin: “Some guys say they have gaydar. I have boners too.”

The Roasts That Define Kill Tony

• [60:04] Tony (to Joe Barnholtz): “You suck, dude.”
• [118:45] David Lucas (to Joe DeRosa): “You look like an educated llama…”

Chaos and Confessions

• [109:03] Tim Hill: “You and your girlfriend are like, let’s get a woman with a dick over here.”

Old School Games

• [130:54] Dice: “Alexa, play Frank Sinatra Radio…”
• [136:08] Dice: “Hickory dickory dock, this chick was sucking my… The clock struck two, I dropped my goo…”

Arena Finale

• [181:10] Redban (singing): “Come together, right now over me…”

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Structure & Flow

• The night alternates between panel riffs, classic and new regulars performing, and a mix of unknowns and established names yanked from the audience.
• Breakneck pace—roast to song to kiss to magic trick failure—retains that “anything can happen” Kill Tony unpredictability.
• Ongoing awareness of the show’s role in building comic stars; meta-commentary from Tony about the evolution of the show and guests.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

• Expect a relentless, uncensored, riotous ride: this episode showcases why Kill Tony is in a class of its own.
• If you’re new, be ready for offensive bits, crowd chutzpah, and rapid-fire savagery—none are spared, not even the hosts.
• The spectacle is equal measure comedy pageant, roast battle, and community inside-joke.
• The historic presence of The Undertaker, Andrew Dice Clay, Brian Holtzman, and musician Gary Clark Jr. push this NYE show into Kill Tony legend.

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Finale: An Arena-Scale Party

• The entire arena, comics, and staff gather for a musical sendoff—“Come Together”—as Tony, the “Golden Pony,” presides and Gary Clark Jr. shreds.
• Tony: “Did you guys have fun tonight? Welcome to Austin, Texas, the greatest city in the world, in the greatest country on planet earth!”

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In essence: Episode #706 is a massive, hilarious, and occasionally jaw-dropping comics’ carnival—roasts, chaos, and community, capped by an emotional, music-soaked finale. USA! USA!

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Three. Oh. Oh my.

[Redband]

Welcome to K. Oh my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

50 clean baby crazy.

[David Lucas]

My grandma hates you.

[Uncle Laser]

She doesn't mean it.

[Redband]

Yeah, the fuck she does.

[Liz Splat]

Is that fucking Tony Hawk?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drew Nicket. Drew Nickens. What the fuck? Drew Nicket. Oh, my God. Do you like to be on the secret show Thursday?

[Redband]

All right, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world, Toni Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go, Tony. She doesn't eat pussy. She all hell gnaws on it. Earthquakes on his feet. I'm killing. Oh, my God.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

You.

[Uncle Laser]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history. Holy ever.

[Redband]

Coming from the Kia forum here in Los Angeles. Coming to you live from the YouTube theater.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm not built for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll admit it. You gotta be mean when they suck. Well, autism runs in my family. It's sprinting in your family. Oh, my God. Let's see that. I used to get high with the night stalker. This is Joe Biden. The real president of the United States is here. Who do shit my pants. It holds a YouTube record for retention rate 2.5 billion minutes.

[Redband]

Watch.

[Uncle Laser]

You Americans are really quite deranged.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are. Is it possible to eat it with our butt? We fucking did it.

[Redband]

Comedy history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago. What the is going on? Madness is live and epic. I mean, wow. You look stunning tonight, William. Coconut. Coconut pie. Please welcome to the stage comedian, roaster

[William Montgomery]

and host of the Kill Tony podcast, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if you guys know this, but there's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. I think it's called Puerto Rico. Who is that?

[Redband]

Jack, who is that guy?

[Britney Ogada]

Actually, I think that's Tony Hinchcliff, which is super disappointing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A so called comedian made a number of racist comments. Tony Hinchcliff.

[David Lucas]

Tony Hinchcliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony Hincliff.

[Redband]

This is about human rights, civil rights. And this is about my people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony Hinchcliff. Go yourself. I apologize to absolutely nobody's fault. And because of that World War III does take place. The only garbage I see floating out there is his support. How do you like my garbage truck?

[David Lucas]

You won't hear from the vice president tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Donald Trump has won the presidency. Among the key factors in his win,

[Joe DeRosa]

support from Latino voters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He expanded his support among Latino voters. 55% of Latino men back Trump nationwide. He's back.

[Redband]

Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the Heb center in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill. Tony. Give it up for Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of your lives, huh? Brian Ray Band, ladies and gentlemen.

[Redband]

What's up, everybody?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The best damn band in the land. Jamming extra hard, extra long, arena style for you. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Make some noise for him. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Nachos Belgrande. Chicken enchilada. That's big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums joining us tonight. Truly one of the biggest stars in all of music. I think he's gonna be recognized as one of the truly the biggest stars in the world. That's Marcus King. He joins us every New Year's here in Austin. We got the rest of the usual band. The great and powerful, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. Indeed the leader of it all, John Dee's on the keys and no doubt about it, let him. It's D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, my God. Unbelievably exciting stuff in store tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know what's great about this show is sometimes it's the fucking biggest fucking comedians in the world. Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that. Last night we had both of the guests of the year. The newest one, Harlan Williams. Last year's winner, Adam Ray. Part of the problem with this show is we make these guys so goddamn famous that everybody has gigs on New Year's Eve nowadays. And a lot of people are sick right now. I don't know what kind of lab leaks they're planning for this inauguration, but the best part of this show is that I believe that we truly have a reputation for putting people on panel that are the future before they even get as big as they're going to get. They are here always. And then you watch them become superstars internationally and everywhere. Streaming and this and that. And this is the type of booking that I chose for tonight. I said, let's fucking go renegade style. Our Last show of the year in Austin, Texas. I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year. So I'd like you to get as loud as you can for tonight's guest. Two of the funniest comedians in the world. First, I'm going to bring up who I truly think is the rookie guest of the year. He made his first appearance this year. Makes some noise for him. Austin resident, you know him from the Shane Gillis crew. This is James McCann, everybody. Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah. On page panel on New Year's Eve in a arena once, a little Australian swordsmith now living his dreams. Yeah. Welcome, James. I'm gonna jump right into it.

[James McCann]

Yes. Thank you for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And your other guest tonight, he was with us at Madison Square Garden. Truly a brother who I have,

[Joe Barnholtz]

you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, just done everything with over the past 18 years. I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel. One of the funniest humans in the world. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Joe derosa, everybody. Hell, yes. We are having fun here tonight. A veteran of the show, multiple time guest, very funny man. Him and I make fun of each other a lot. We go back and forth. Two of my favorite drinking buddies.

[Joe DeRosa]

We. We do. And I want to thank you for letting everybody know we were your absolute last choices.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Shane is sick. RFK Jr. Even has Covid. You can't make it up. The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Jr somehow has Covid.

[Joe DeRosa]

My favorite part was hearing the 10 people that cared when you were like, sometimes they're not famous. They were. Yeah, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the. Look, we're going to have a hilarious episode. I have so many surprises wired in. You guys are two of the funny. Who needs fame when you got funny.

[James McCann]

Look, I'm thrilled. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you. I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is true.

[James McCann]

But I did. I wanted to say this. This is exactly my one year anniversary of being in America. I flew like 30 hours last year. I sat backstage. Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there. This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show. It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the Kiltoneer people up here and out there who have made it happen. This is the most beautiful thing. Two of the funniest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's true. James McCann was one of the only comedians to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally, when Johnny Knoxville and Donnell Rawlings ran for the Hills and said, they can't do it. No, they're great. You can't blame them. Those guys expect to make more movies in the future. Nobody knew which direction the election was going at that time. I don't blame them. I would have canceled on them, too.

[Redband]

Can I.

[Joe DeRosa]

Can I tell the quick story?

[Tim Hill]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

When we were hanging out at the Mothership, we were drinking right after the Trump thing happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. A couple days after.

[What the Hector]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

And we're sitting next to each other, and we're just. It's quiet in the bar. And I go, tony, are you good? Are you handling all this okay right now? The backlash whenever. And he goes, yeah, dude, I'm good. And I go, seriously, buddy, we're friends. Are you good? And he goes, yeah, I'm good, dude. And I go, you don't have to be tough with me right now. We're friends. Are you good? And he goes, what? Are you gay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He wouldn't stop. These fucking New Yorkers over here. Are you sure you're okay? The news says you're not okay. MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now. I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette. Shut the fuck up. I'm fine. But we're having fun tonight. Truly. Two of my favorite humans. We're gonna have a blast, I promise you. I'm gonna pre pool a name. You guys know how this show works. Yeah. The Bucket is what makes it. We could find the next star here. Anything can happen. You know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. Or else they. They have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry. Wait a second. Wait a.

[Redband]

Minute. It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the Undertaker. Austin's own the Undertaker. Mark Calloway. The Six Feet under podcast, which I've done. Make some goddamn noise for the great, the powerful. What a surreal moment this is. You comedians better stick to your time tonight. I'm warning you right now. I'm itching to take somebody's head off. I love it. I haven't seen you since Wrestlemania. You're the fucking man. This is a childhood dream for those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows. The Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the Bucket of Destiny for as long as we can remember. So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size real, actual undertaker here.

[James McCann]

I don't know if I'm gonna fit on the bucket.

[Redband]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But stick me in it.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

It. I don't know. Hey, I. Before I. I just want to say this.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Austin is already the music capital of the world, the food capital of the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you, my friend, are making it the Comedy Central of the world. Tony Hinsmith, don't sell that man short right there. Thank you so much. It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight. Super surreal fucking moment, I think, for everybody. I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face when you came out. There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s. I love it. We shocked the world with this one. 60 seconds, right?

[Jackson Bar]

That's all they get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's all they get. Or else I'm pretty sure you throw them back to where they came from.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Up right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love. Make some noise for the Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen. Keeping everybody in line tonight. You can't make this up. God damn it. Look how cool this is.

[Joe DeRosa]

You got a nerd boner, don't you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm telling you, I have to host a show while living my own. Make a wish. This is incredible. God damn, what a cool show this is. Who came up with this idea? We're gonna have some goddamn fun tonight. Let's get it started while they wrangle that first bucket pool. I figure we'll get it started with a bang. I'm just gonna say it. I always give this guy a huge intro. I always say, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. I'm gonna say it right here, right now for the first time. This is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute getting us started tonight with a fucking bang. Make some noise for Martin Phillip. Yes. Here he is, live in the flesh with an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Martin Phillips, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, shit. Oh, man. I heard there was a Kid Rock sex tape, so I was interested. I was gonna look it up, but after I wrote the first for a kid, I was like, I'm out. No, I'm not. This is a trap. They're set up. Anyway, some guys say they have gaydar, and it's like, yeah, I have boners, too. You know, we're all aware that my Voice is similar to RFK Juniors, but, you know. But now that he's gonna be head of the health department, we're all gonna start sounding like this. So welcome to hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was Martin Phillips with exactly one minute.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a fucking surgeon. As always, Joe DeRosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was hoping he'd go over because I wanted to see the undertaker slam him and watch his body straighten out.

[Martin Phillips]

I am terrified of that.

[James McCann]

Yeah, I like with the wrestling theme. You've dressed as the rock from that 90s photo shoot.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, it is incredible. That turtleneck goes great with your turtle legs.

[Martin Phillips]

My turtle body?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Is there a medallion on that necklace?

[Martin Phillips]

There might be something in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it's behind you. You're rocking it behind.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

So

[Martin Phillips]

I bought this today because I heard with the turtleneck, you need a chain. So this is $3 from Walmart in the girls section, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yes.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I just went with it, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is some rock star shit.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were already at Walmart because you're the greeter there, right?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah. Good benefits. Good benefits. I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin, how's life been going? How are holidays and whatnot?

[Martin Phillips]

It was good. Good news. I hooked up with. What are you gonna do? Right there, right there. He's trying to mock me. I hooked up with a Puerto Rican woman.

[David Lucas]

So.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm doing my best to repair the relationship between the show and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. I think you may have accidentally kicked a power cord when you were on your way out. Her power's out today. Puerto Rico.

[Martin Phillips]

But, yeah, I'm willing to have sex with as many women for as good as the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Was it a Puerto Rican woman or was it a dumpster that you fucked?

[David Lucas]

Oh.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, it was a woman.

[James McCann]

You'd be very good in the next west side Story, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you notice anything different about a Puerto Rican woman than, you know, say, another no

[Joe DeRosa]

hygiene?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good question. All right, Red band. Very good. I'm sure there's a sound effect you could have hit instead of.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did you guys. To shake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was there. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Okay. Was there music playing?

[What the Hector]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it at your place? Her place?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, I was. I was crashing at a friend's house, so I did the courteous thing and went to her place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. And this was on her bed in her bedroom?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it your first time hanging out with her?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long did you guys hang out before getting wet and wild.

[Martin Phillips]

And we hung out after that. And.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's Right. Absolutely. Does she have a few drinks? Center. Who was walking the straightest by the

[Martin Phillips]

end of this day?

[Uncle Laser]

No.

[Martin Phillips]

Nobody. Nobody drove. Nobody drove.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So absolutely.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, Martin. What else is going on? Anything else crazy?

[Martin Phillips]

That was the craziest lately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

It was pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

So there's actually good news, bad news to it. So bad news, because I take an antidepressant for anxiety, you know, like, you know, it's hard. It's hard to be hard, you know? You know? You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Martin Phillips]

But that and getting out. Here's the good news. When I was able to do it, guess what? Too big.

[What the Hector]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Oh, my God. This guy went from soft to too big big.

[Martin Phillips]

What can I do?

[Joe DeRosa]

I love that you're saying the antidepressant was the hardest part about you two? She's lying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She wasn't Puerto Rican then.

[David Lucas]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Again, red band. Stick with the buttons over there. Jesus Christ. Red. Ben's comparing every Puerto Rican woman to the hookers that he's been with. How much did she charge you before she left? I love it. Well, Martin, you absolutely crushed. Way to get it started right from the top. Absolutely. 100% great sets. The guy bats a thousand. He's basically the fucking Bill Goldberg of the show. He plays like a champion. He might not walk like one, but he plays like one. Oh, I know what that sound is. That's the lovely Heidi every, everybody. The real fucking deal. Oh, my God. I see the Latino guy in the white hoodie crying another tear like he did when the Undertaker came out. Amazing. Unbelievable. And how about a hand for the great Valerie Vaughn, everybody? She joins us at all the arenas. Two legends. Okay, this looks like a very fun name to begin the bucket pull portion of the show. Again, we don't know these. These people. Anything can happen. Obviously, you guys know how this works. Could be a crazy person. I will say that in these arenas, there's a crazy ratio of people that absolutely eat on stage in an arena. It happens a lot. A lot of people sign up randomly. They've only done it a few times. But who knows? Tonight might be the night that that trend changes and we find stars. You guys ready? Your first comedian, your first bucket full of the night. Goes by the name of what the Hector. What the Hector.

[What the Hector]

What up? I freaking love wrestling so much. How about you guys? I love wrestling so much. My parents thought I was gonna be gay growing up. Posters of naked dudes all over my freaking raw, you know, Freaking undertaker, stone cold all teabagging me. Above my bag. Like, when you gonna get a poster of a woman, son? So I got a poster, that one wrestler. Y' all remember China?

[Redband]

Hell yeah.

[What the Hector]

Like you.

[Redband]

You like that, Dad?

[What the Hector]

I guess it'll do, son. You gotta support your artist, guys. Not very many people know China did porno. She had the most muscular fleshlight on the market. Get your penis in a chokehold, extra large clitoris. You gotta freaking finger wrestle her to turn her on. And sometimes she don't want to turn on. My favorite, though, was wrestling on the trampoline with my little brother. And my favorite was the Undertaker. Because I'm dead inside too. Choke slamming my little brother and I'll do the tombstone. Y' all remember, the tombstone is pretty much a tomb 69 standing up. But we're on the trampoline. I'm all, hell yeah. Wrestling's badass, dad comes out like, what

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the hell's going on? Finish him.

[What the Hector]

The neighbors are watching. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy, that was close. Is that what you were gonna talk about?

[What the Hector]

Yeah, it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was going to be your set no matter what happened tonight.

[What the Hector]

No matter what. And then he came out. I was like, holy, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's pret crazy.

[What the Hector]

Should I run the bell like two seconds and have him come out again?

[James McCann]

Yeah, if you kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you were close to your wildest dreams coming true there. What the. Hector.

[What the Hector]

I saw him backstage. He's tall as hell. I didn't know he was that big, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, yeah, those guys are big. And you're Mexican. Yeah, welcome to reality.

[What the Hector]

And I'm wearing boots. I had a little extra, like 2, 3 inches extra on me, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you are wearing. Look at those little tiny boots. Those fucking size quattros.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'd like to commend you because a lot of comics stray from current events, but you did the very relevant China material this year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

China? Yeah, Red band. You got red band over here, mumbling in my left ear. She has really big labias. China had really big labias. You know that? China had big labias. I'm like, red ban. We are doing a show in an arena. You're talking about the woman's who we mentioned for a second. So the unprofessional I have to deal with. Hector, how long you been doing stand up?

[What the Hector]

About nine, ten years going now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Nine or ten years. Where at?

[What the Hector]

Mostly in Phoenix. I'm from right here. I'm in west. I'm from West Texas though. Pecos Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. Big pops for Pecos. Okay, what's Pecos? Like, describe it to us.

[What the Hector]

We just had a big train wreck last week. I don't know if y' all saw the Union Pacific hit a big old truck and like all the train derailed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[What the Hector]

Like stranger things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I sit next to a train wreck every week on this show. What do you do for work?

[What the Hector]

I help my dad out doing a tire repair and tow truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You are indeed Mexican. Yeah, that.

[What the Hector]

That confirms smelling like rubber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen out there repairing cars on the side of the road in Pecos recently?

[What the Hector]

Just happened, man. I live in my RV and I moved it back to Pecos where I work with my dad. I parked it in the back of the shop. Working from home, you know, and fucking.

[Redband]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean? James McCann with this iconic. No, we don't know what you mean.

[What the Hector]

I left it unlocked, man, because I had some cats in there watching out from case rats get in there and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, wait, stop. Slow down. James McCann is correct. First of all, I stole two cats.

[What the Hector]

All right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, wait.

[James McCann]

Getting way out of control.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the most Latino I've ever heard in my life. You stole cats to watch for rats

[What the Hector]

in the rv? Because I'm not there a lot, you know, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you pulled your RV to the house that you live in now?

[What the Hector]

I park it at the shop that I work at.

[Liz Splat]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[What the Hector]

So I'm working from home, you know, just get up out of.

[James McCann]

You're homing from work, change tires.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you never get to tell you.

[What the Hector]

So we came home and I was gonna check on them before we left, and I found a bald headed white lady in there all drugged out naked. She had tore up the whole place and drawn all over the walls. It's like, what the hell is going on here? I didn't want to call cops because we were late to a show and. But I had to, man, I had to do it. It looked weird. I'm lucky that one of my friends was with me. She's girl. Because it would have looked weird that, you know, just some weird random girls. She wouldn't talk or nothing. I don't trying to find her if, you know, if you're out there listening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at the world we're living in. Mexicans calling the police on white women. This is. This is Biden's America.

[What the Hector]

2025.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, 2025 is going to be different, buddy. You got 20 more days exactly before your tire shop is in Pecos, Mexico. No, I'm Kidding. Is your dad a legal citizen?

[What the Hector]

Yeah, he's legal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he really?

[Joe Barnholtz]

He's really.

[What the Hector]

He did all the paperwork.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What does the paperwork look like?

[What the Hector]

No, he talks really good English too. He's one of those code talk. He could change his voice. Like, to a white guy. He could change it to a Mexican dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[What the Hector]

I haven't heard his black voice, so I'm pretty sure he has one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Can you do a black voice?

[What the Hector]

I can't. I could try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, try. I like it when people can't and then they try. No, I'm talking about. What the. Wow. Okay. I just found out there's no black people in Posos, Texas. Everyone, that's your black impression. Know what I'm talking about. Hey, I'm a black guy.

[James McCann]

It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a black man.

[Uncle Laser]

I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do believe. What do you do for fun, Hector?

[What the Hector]

For fun? Let's see. I smoke a lot of reefer.

[Martin Phillips]

Where y' all at?

[What the Hector]

And then forget everything else I was gonna do.

[David Lucas]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like? You out there burning rubber? Yeah.

[What the Hector]

Burning rubbers because of the tires?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Joe DeRosa]

How hard is it to convince a woman to come back to the rat infested rv?

[What the Hector]

Yeah, it's pretty, pretty hard, man. That's why I was mad she was in there. I was like, what you're getting in here and I ain't get. Because it smelled like. I was like, you're in there. Either she was getting ran through or she was running a brothel out of my place. I was like, who's getting more pussy in here than I am?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the. Wait, you're saying that your RV smelled like bad?

[What the Hector]

When I. When she was in there, that crazy bald headed white from. From Stranger Things, the train crashed and all of a sudden she appeared 11.

[James McCann]

This is you're talking about. The little girl from Stranger Things was in the.

[What the Hector]

Is a bald white. I was like, damn, they shave your head. What's wrong with you?

[Joe DeRosa]

This is also the second time he's referenced a thing on Stranger Things that I don't think happened on Stranger Things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remember the train crashing on Stranger Things?

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[James McCann]

One of them shows you remember when you choke out a child in an RV like on Stranger Things. No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you a nice guy, Hector? You ever been in trouble with the law?

[What the Hector]

Yeah, you know, for the weed. Texas being illegal and all. You get in trouble for weed a lot yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[What the Hector]

Reefer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they're booing the laws of their state. Well, Hector, congratulations. Have you ever signed up for the show before?

[What the Hector]

My first time was at Skank Fest very recently. I got on there over there first. Bucket pool there, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you were on there? Okay. Well, congratulations. It was good to see you. What size joke book did you get there?

[What the Hector]

They ran out of joke books, so I was like, man, did I do good or bad? I didn't even know and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know what, buddy? I'm gonna give you a medium sized one here tonight. Oh, he didn't catch it. Wow. Unbelievable. There he goes. What the. Hector, everybody. Thank you. I don't know if you guys noticed this, but the Mexicans get special music from the Mexican portion of the band when they get played off a lot. Little fun fact, if you haven't noticed, we're gonna get another special treat up here. This is a. A young lady who you've seen before on this show. She works at the Comedy Mothership. She's been out on the road with me and a bunch of the great comedians. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. We were all drinking a couple weeks ago, and it just came up that her family was coming into town tonight. Her parents are here, and I love this young lady. I truly think she is one of the future, top, best comedians in the world. Let's see what she does tonight. This is a brand new minute from Liz Splat, everyone. Liz Splat. We love Liz. Make some noise for Liz, everybody.

[Liz Splat]

Guys, this year makes 10 years that I've been a cancer survivor. I had cancer when I was 19, which is tough because you're too young to really understand what's going on. And then you're too old to meet John Cena,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know?

[Liz Splat]

Cause at 19, you're like, make a wish. More like, make me squirt. John, what the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, John.

[Liz Splat]

My pussy's bald too, you know. John Cena and squirting. John Cena and squirting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Liz Splat]

It's tricky to make a cancer joke. You know, cancer's a really tricky topic. One time this comic told me that it's important to talk about the tricky topics. He said that he learned that because he used to talk a lot about how he used to fuck a lot of prostitutes. And I was like, I don't know if we're talking about the same thing, but once I thought about it, it made sense. Because probably the only thing more traumatic than childhood cancer is being a prostitute. A comedian can afford Am I right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, thank you.

[Liz Splat]

Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a dream. Splat, everybody. Tony, how fun. How's it going?

[Liz Splat]

It's going. I mean, how's it going? It's going. Dreams are coming true right now. What the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing.

[Liz Splat]

Baby's first arena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is indeed. Baby's first arena.

[James McCann]

Hi.

[Liz Splat]

Hi, Joe.

[Joe DeRosa]

How are you?

[Liz Splat]

Hi, James.

[James McCann]

Hello.

[Joe DeRosa]

Congrats on beating cancer.

[Liz Splat]

Thank you so much, Joe.

[Joe DeRosa]

You've clearly beaten it because usually people with cancer are thin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, she beat the shit out of it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Defeated it.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Liz Splat]

I basically ate that cancer up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me put it like that.

[Liz Splat]

Put it in a bowl, put some whipped cream on that. Cancer got right into it.

[James McCann]

That's what I did.

[Tim Hill]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of cancer was it?

[Redband]

It.

[Liz Splat]

I had Hodgkin's lymphoma. It's a blood cancer. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Party time. I love it.

[Liz Splat]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long did it take you to beat it?

[Liz Splat]

I was going through chemo for like six months. Where my chemo kids at? Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're. They're all dead right now.

[Liz Splat]

They're all dead. Okay, I see one solitary wave from a lacking. Okay, great. Another big girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's awesome.

[Liz Splat]

I love to see it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Liz Splat]

It's great. Must have been tick cancer.

[Joe DeRosa]

And it's good to see you've graduated to Haagen Dazs lymphoma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From Hodgkins to Haagen Joe, you son of a bitch.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I'm sorry.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm sorry. I'm nervous. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you son of a bitch.

[Liz Splat]

You trying to fuck. I can tell, dude, guys that love trans women always want to fuck me. It's crazy. Joe, get those little plaid pants over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck?

[Joe DeRosa]

Pull a dick out of those pants and you got a deal.

[Liz Splat]

Joe, if you saw my clit, you wouldn't question it.

[James McCann]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

China. Is that true? You have a china?

[Liz Splat]

Like a china? Like, what does that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it big? Is that what you're implying?

[Liz Splat]

I think my. Yeah, yeah. It's probably like, you know, half a thumb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah.

[Redband]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's basically.

[Liz Splat]

Sorry. I'm putting my heart on my sleeve out here for you people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's basically half a little dick. So I'm half interested now, cuz I'm g. Whoa, whoa.

[Liz Splat]

Who would have saw that coming?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Half. Yeah.

[Liz Splat]

Coming on your face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am I right? Liz, what else is going on? What? Family members? Members made it out. You're from Texas? Born and raised. Dallas Bread.

[Redband]

Bam, bam, bam. Two, one, fold till I die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And when I say bread, I mean B, R, E, A, D. What's up?

[Liz Splat]

Yeah, my mom and my dad are here.

[Redband]

Yo mama, yo papa. Where you at?

[Liz Splat]

I can't. I can't bring my dad up here. He keeps saying he's gonna say racist stuff about Puerto Ricans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your mom on the Jumbotron? That lady with her hand, Hands up.

[Liz Splat]

Oh, yeah, it's my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A. Oh, well, she just gave the screen cancer. That's incredible. It runs in the family, but clearly you don't.

[Liz Splat]

Yeah, not a lot.

[Casey Rocket]

It runs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Got it.

[Liz Splat]

I was gonna do it.

[Redband]

Then you did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotcha. You're on the big stage.

[Liz Splat]

Big stage now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you did it. Well, Liz, congratulations. That was an amazing performance. You did it. You're living your dreams in your hometown.

[Redband]

Dream come true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin to do mushrooms. Hell, yeah. That's a move. Back to the bucket we go. We're going to keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Jackson Bar. Bucket pool number two, Jackson Bar. Here's Jackson Bar. Oh, this is going to be awesome. No matter what. Make some noise for Jackson Bar, everybody.

[Jackson Bar]

How you doing, Tony?

[Joe DeRosa]

Happy New Year, KT Nation.

[Jackson Bar]

I feel sorry for anybody that's not in this arena tonight. Kill Tony been on what, 1212 years? 700 episodes. You guys have been through more comedians than cocaine, antidepressants, and Viagra. I'm a little freaked out. I'm going to be 49. 49 years old in a couple of months. But let me tell you, I've learned a few things. Number one, ramen noodles. Everybody knows ramen noodles. They taste better when you eat them. Because you want to, right? Number two, you see two people kissing in public with wedding rings. They're married to other people. And number three, if it feels like more than three fingers, you need a different psychiatrist you can count on. These are words that may save your life one of these days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Holy shit. Jackson Bar. I loved it from the second I saw you. I am so used to our bucket poles wearing juvenile T shirts. This guy came up dressed to the. Whatevers that is. I knew we had the undertaker. I didn't realize we booked Paul Bearer as well. James McCann, brother.

[James McCann]

What's it like owning the Dallas Cowboys? Cause that must be.

[Jackson Bar]

Well, this would have been the 1990s. Dallas Cowboy owner. And it was really good back then. Yeah, it's only been 30 years.

[James McCann]

He's got a head in the oven now. You look terrific. It was either Dallas Cowboys over or, you know, a good place to buy a secondhand car. I feel like I've seen you in Waco on the community television.

[Jackson Bar]

That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The billion dollar question. What do you do for work, Jackson?

[Jackson Bar]

Pretty much whatever pays. I mean, I've been an entrepreneur for 30 years with startups, you know, and politics for a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're successful, huh?

[Jackson Bar]

My kids are grown and out of college and out of the house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you, just on a big naughty comedy show out here talking shit.

[Jackson Bar]

I'm trying to figure out what I am doing going to be since I am about to be 49.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe DeRosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

49. You're doing something really wrong.

[Jackson Bar]

Oh, yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was like, this guy's giving a stab at comedy at 63.

[Cam Patterson]

This is insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band is older than Jackson, by the way. Sweet Red band here at 50 years old, you can't make it up.

[Jackson Bar]

It's a hard 49, Tony. Listen, I married my high school sweetheart. We were together 24 years. She passed away five years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What happened? How did she pass away?

[Jackson Bar]

Brain tumor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my.

[Jackson Bar]

Yeah, right.

[James McCann]

Good God. The point is, we're all very sorry that happened.

[Jackson Bar]

The point is, you know, after that happened, I may or may not have lost my shoes jet for a couple of years.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Jackson Bar]

So It's a hard 40. 48.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[James McCann]

And you were an entrepreneur.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Was, yeah.

[James McCann]

You don't have any because this is Tony's doing. Well, this is sold out. You could Shark Tank right now, right? If you got a business idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you have any business ideas? Let's play a little game of Shark Tank for the first time in a long time. This is a very special segue that we are going to do. Ladies and gentlemen, with Jackson Bar. This is the first ever episode of Shark Tank. That's the Shark Tank theme song. Jesus. So basic. Okay, here he is. Pitch us an idea. Jackson Barr.

[Jackson Bar]

All right, let's see a. Oh, I know. A dating app for rich people. You know, because since I've been out in the dating world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, Yeah.

[Jackson Bar]

I found out you actually don't even need a profile anymore. You might as well just put your credit card number in your PIN and your Social Security so it just saves time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Jackson Bar]

They go straight to the money and then you don't have to worry about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I bet you have a. Like Martin Phillips. That's my guess. I bet it's mostly soft. And then when it gets hard, it's too big. Big to too big? Yeah.

[Jackson Bar]

Too big to fail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. You said you were in politics for a While what. What were some of your platforms?

[Jackson Bar]

Well, I started off at local office and then I went to state office here in the great state of Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What city?

[Jackson Bar]

So I started out outside of Fort Hood, Texas. Known as the great Place. Right. Coryell County, Gatesville, Texas. It's eight square miles out in the middle of nowhere. There's not a Starbucks for 30 miles around us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds beautiful.

[Jackson Bar]

Sounds like the Republican president of all the chairmen in the state represented Senate District 24. And now since I'm starting the second half of my life, I'm running from office.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh. Okay. So have you been on. You said that you want to make a dating app. Have you been on a lot of dates since your wife passed away?

[What the Hector]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Jackson Bar]

I went on a couple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you k. Have you kissed a girl since your wife passed away?

[Jackson Bar]

Yeah, I mean, it's been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Well, you blew that one.

[Jackson Bar]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were close there, Jack.

[What the Hector]

I said it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You up right now your wife is la. Looking up from hell, laughing at you.

[Jackson Bar]

I got a.

[James McCann]

It's not true. She's in heaven since.

[Jackson Bar]

Since you like Shark Tank. I got a math question for you. If Jack. Jack is single for about a year and then gets engaged to a 30 year old while he's a millionaire and that goes on about two and a half years and then we break up, how much money does Jack have left over?

[James McCann]

All of the money.

[Jackson Bar]

Actually, I was gonna hit you up for some gas money so I can get home tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're talking to the wrong panelist, you silly goose. Jackson, you seem like you've got it together. You seem like a grown man telling tell us something weird about you. What are you. What type of child porn are you into exactly? Did you kill JonBenet Ramsey?

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? What? No. Exactly. But if you were into something a little wild, what would it be like when you're with a. When you're with a hooker?

[Jackson Bar]

Well, you know, it's hard to find the right rubber tubing and lime and shovel at 2 in the morning and all that kind of good stuff. I mean, you know, that's always fun. You always got to learn for yourself. Aspirin will not bring back a dead hooker.

[James McCann]

You really don't want to run for office again. You're finished with local politics.

[Jackson Bar]

Yeah. You got a final nail and a hammer.

[James McCann]

There is work to be done in politics in the state of Texas.

[Jackson Bar]

Hey, baby, I figured it out. I'm working behind the scenes.

[James McCann]

Well, if you can help pass a law so you're allowed to carry more Than two beers away from a bar. That's insane.

[Jackson Bar]

This isn't Hawaii. We ain't got to worry about that. This is Texas. We give you two jugs of beer and say come back and get the other four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your style. I like your style checks and I do. It's, it's weird but I, I like having different, I always say different shapes and sizes and types of people. I'm sure there are about 200, 150 more hectors that signed up tonight. And I was lucky enough to magically pull out a. A 70 year old white guy that swears he's 49. I think it's fun to have different types up here. I mean look at this guy.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's wild. I think you're actually rich because only a rich man would give this lease of a about his appearance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no you are. You have super rich guy vibes. Jackson, how much exactly are you worth?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Was.

[Jackson Bar]

I'm not kidding. After a failed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much did you give away in the divorce? Just tell us.

[Jackson Bar]

Just you know, burn through. I don't know. 1.5? Not huge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1.5?

[Joe Barnholtz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a lot.

[Jackson Bar]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's more than Hector and his father will make their entire lifetime. That's a huge amount. Well Jackson, thank you very much. Fun times. Congratulations. You as well are leaving here with a cool little medium joke. Oh my goodness. We're over two on the catches tonight. Jackson. Thank you so much. There goes Jackson Barr. Oh la la. You know Jackson's from Texas. He's from the middle of nowhere. Which brings us to our next special treat. Ladies and gentlemen. This guy when we found him was just working the oil fields of Texas. He's all personality, very controversial figure in the history the show. People either love them or they just straight up dislike them. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long awaited return of Uncle Laser.

[Uncle Laser]

Listen here. Had a woman from Tallahassee, Florida slide into my dms, said hey, shut the up. Said got a plane ticket with your name on. He come down to Tallahassee Florida, blow my back out and rearrange my gun guts. I said happy Easter to you too. How you doing today? He has risen, you know, right? She said but before I can get you that plain tick, I'm need to see a picture of that hog. Fun fact, I ain't got no hog. I got what they called field mouse dick. You ever been hit by a sewing machine needle hitting know. Look, here's the thing about sending wiener pics. Don't do it, okay? All right, listen, look, I love my wiener. I put it everywhere. Hot tub jets, electrical sockets, okay? I once took a shop vac and sucked all the foreskin off of it. You know, I haven't been to a water park since. She said, look, I ain't gonna be able to get you that plane ticket no more, but I get you a Greyhound bus ticket. And I said, listen here, bitch. My mama raised me on that Reba McIntyre, and I might have been born just a plain white trash, but Fancy was my motherfucking name. I ain't getting on no goddamn Greyhound bus. You hear me, bitch? So a couple days later, we worked something out where if my mom would drop me off, her mom would bring me back. It know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uncle Laser, everybody. Uncle. Uncle. Uncle. Look at you.

[Uncle Laser]

Howdy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going? What. What is that animal around your neck?

[Uncle Laser]

Oh, this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

This here is Steven. He was. He's a euthanized husky. He was my neighbor's dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah. He was just going to throw the out. And I said, hold on now, old son. We're resourceful people, you know? And so I like, you know, did all this, and I g. I went to his front door and tried to give it to him as a gift, and he answered door, and he goes, why'd you unbury my dog? I was like, so you're telling me you don't want it? My. Now, how about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe I fell right into trap.

[Uncle Laser]

You did step right into it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the second husky we've had on stage. Liz Splatt was here earlier. Oh, shit.

[Uncle Laser]

How's your New Year's, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun. What, are you conducting the fucking interview?

[Uncle Laser]

No, I just was simply asking a question.

[James McCann]

I love that you said you wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus. I've been on the Greyhound bus in this country. It's just 57 years I've. I sat next to him. I was on a Greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. This is a fun wrestling story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what is the truth?

[James McCann]

He knew a secret about Chris Benoit?

[Joe Barnholtz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's hear it.

[James McCann]

He was a good man. And the whole time I was like, okie dokie then. Yeah. He only killed his family to send them to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. All right.

[James McCann]

He said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon he got away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's your New Year's going, Laser? How's your holidays? What does a guy like you do exactly? Other than crystal meth? Oh, Jesus Christ.

[James McCann]

The spirit of the wolf.

[Uncle Laser]

No, dude, I got New Year's resolutions.

[Joe DeRosa]

Is it to give Ron White his voice back?

[Uncle Laser]

That there's my daddy, but he's a Democrat, so he ain't my daddy. But, dude, I gotta stop coming inside of strangers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more about that. Look, I was hoping. I was hoping Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview.

[Uncle Laser]

I gotta stop coming, strangers, cuz. Look, dude, I'm like. Like the Tyreek Hill of the Austin comedy scene. I can't pull out of a driveway. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not even scared of the MeToo movement. I'm scared of, like, I got a kid in Fort Wayne, Indiana, or some. All across this goddamn country. That's like, when you. Child support. I don't want to be a part of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you gotten anyone pregnant? Are there any nephew lasers out there?

[Uncle Laser]

All we can do is pray.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing uncle. So what do you got planned for 2025? You've been touring a lot. You've been working really hard, trying.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, just, like. Look, like, say something. Tell me you're, like, on some real. Okay. Three years ago to this date, Tony H. Cliff invited me to. Tony H. Cliff and Friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been that long?

[Uncle Laser]

It's been that long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[Uncle Laser]

All right, you invited me to the New Year's Eve party of Vulcan, which. Which people, right? And I was dog then, probably still dog now, but, I mean, back then I was even worse. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

And. But you gave me a shot, all right? It's testament to you. And my mama was in the crowd tonight, and I was thinking about quitting my job. And up until that point in my life, that was the best that I ever had, all right? And took a chance. But, like, yo, look, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but I'm gonna be honest with you. Thank you for everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Uncle Laser]

Look, look, Joe Rogan might have built the comedy club in Austin, but Tony Hitchcock, Cliff created a fucking culture. You hear me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. I couldn't have said it better myself until later tonight in the mirror, like I do every night, I look directly at myself and I say, tony, you built the culture. No, I'm kidding.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was gonna say, I'm pretty sure you'll corner me later at a party and tell me that for 15 minutes. Do you know what I'VE done, Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. Uncle Laser. Congratulations. You did it. We're going to keep flying through it. There he goes, Uncle Laser. Which brings us to bucket pool number three. I feel like this is a new name, but it. We may have seen it before. Oh, my God. How about these lovely ladies in this sausage factory that we've had? We've had nothing but dudes and a chick with a clit the size of half a thumb. Thank God for Heidi and Valerie for those of you out there that are into beautiful women. All right, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Joe Barnholtz. Everyone, bucket pool number three is Joe Barnholt. One more time for Joe.

[Joe Barnholtz]

My name is Joe because I was named after the crab shack that I was conceived in. So, you guys, I'm single, so I've been going on a bunch of dates. It's not really helping my love life, but I do have an outstanding balance on my credit card. Yeah, it's hard to stand out in the dating world when you look like the vanilla flavor of white men. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad flavor. It's just not anybody's first choice. I don't even have any tattoos or anything. Or as I call them, sprinkles. You guys, I'm so white, I get 2% milk at the store because whole milk's too spicy. I feel like there's a lot of weirdos in the dating world. I went on a date with this one girl. She told me she had two half brothers, which is just a really strange way of saying you have a brother. For everyone. That's slow at fractions. I'm gonna give you a second to catch up there. It's like, what, did you cut him in half or something? Like when I say I have two half women in my freezer. That makes sense. Bunch of weirdos out there, you guys.

[David Lucas]

Thank you.

[Joe Barnholtz]

My name's Joe Barnholt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Joe Barnholt, let's talk about it. How long you been on stand up?

[Joe Barnholtz]

I've been doing it about a year, playing music for about 16.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What kind of music do you play?

[Joe Barnholtz]

Full band, hip hop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in a hip hop band? Have you been on this show before?

[Joe Barnholtz]

I was about a month ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I found out you were in a hip hop band.

[Joe Barnholtz]

I did. I do musical comedy and I tried to sing a song about Santa and forgot the lyrics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you have anything that you would do tonight if you were. If you were a 16 year musician?

[Joe Barnholtz]

Yeah, I can. I can Play guitar and rap for you guys if you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You need a guitar to do it.

[Joe Barnholtz]

I mean, it helps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do we have that extra guitar somewhere in D Madness? You see a guitar anywhere back there?

[James McCann]

Marcus just left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we got it. Okay, we're going to give this guy a shot. Oh, yeah. Gives us a chance to look at the lovely Heidi one more time. My goodness. A modern day Vanna White, if you will. A Marilyn Monroe esque thing. Just handing a cord to an absolute jerk off Joe Barnholt. Look at this guy. Looks like Joe Derosa. Ultralight. But.

[James McCann]

What?

[Joe DeRosa]

God damn it, I didn't hear it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Hopefully your music is funnier than your comedy. Here he goes.

[Joe Barnholtz]

Away we go. Hope this floats. Sail through life on a safe little boat but see it's time for me to abandon ship or abandon hope like woe so merrily we rode life's butter dream we woke we try to flee but run these circles round the globe what's up, Daryl? Side to side never straight from that path I charted Round around this wild ride Always end up where I started Laugh after laugh at the dog track Life's a bitch, then you die maybe that bitch is man's best friend I wonder why.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You suck, dude.

[Redband]

Fair.

[Joe Barnholtz]

Love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You suck. We're gonna get you out of here.

[James McCann]

They don't know what they're talking about. Don't believe these haters.

[Joe Barnholtz]

I appreciate you.

[James McCann]

That's the fresh new sound that's gonna be coming out the radio.

[What the Hector]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. We've never heard on the radio.

[Joe DeRosa]

I disagree with James. No means no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[James McCann]

I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

It's been 15 quiet years without that. You got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here, that's like Dylan going electric.

[Joe Barnholtz]

I'll take it.

[Cam Patterson]

I.

[James McCann]

It was pretty good. It was fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, thanks.

[Joe Barnholtz]

I'll take. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought. I thought if.

[Jackson Bar]

If I may.

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought your comedy was funny.

[Joe Barnholtz]

Oh, thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

And I thought it deserved more. And I felt like you weren't getting as much cuz you were the first comic that wasn't like, I shoved my needle dick in her smelly. And they were just a little caught off guard that he was doing like,

[James McCann]

you know, you should think about. You should wear a dog next time. Wear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wear a dog.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Like a.

[James McCann]

Put a dog's body on your shoulders trying to explain it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band informed me in the middle of your set that it's a famous Jim Gaffigan joke. That whole milk is spicy. Ever seen Jim Gaffigan before?

[Joe Barnholtz]

I've not heard that joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Google it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I will.

[Joe Barnholtz]

I will.

[James McCann]

How dare Jim Gaffigan have stolen your joke?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What size joke book did you get? Like last time you run, I got a big joke. You did well. You should use it. Joe Barnholtz, everybody. There he goes. We're going to keep it moving fast tonight. We're going to get through it. It was. He's already been on. But in this moment, we shall get yet another legendary golden ticket winner on the show. You know him, you love him. He got picked up from this show to be on America's Got Talent, which is how backwards the industry is that they are now finding people for agt, for Netflix, for everything. Here on the show that you guys watch every Monday, we find the people. This is the return of Aaron Belial, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. Smart. Started his entrance early. Gives me enough time to kill some time while he sets up Bluetooth, blue suit, Aaron Belial, everybody. Make some noise for him. Come on.

[Aaron Belial]

It's not too late to have the first female president. We could have the best one. Trump could transition.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Now I can grab my very own pussy. Quite frankly, I have the best pussy.

[Redband]

My pussy is very tight and beautiful.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Everyone who sees it says it's the

[Redband]

best they have ever seen. My pussy is so much better than Caitlyn Jenner, who got a liberal pussy

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

from the radical left.

[Redband]

She got her pussy from a fake doctor. I got mine from an American doctor.

[Joe Barnholtz]

Doctor.

[Redband]

A lot of people go to Mexico to get their.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Not me. Mine was made right here in America. America has the best pussies. Everyone knows it.

[Redband]

A Haitian man wanted to eat my cat the other day, but I said no. This pussy is only for real Americans, legal Americans.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

They're eating the pussy and it's our pussy. We cannot allow these people who are

[Redband]

walking over the border in the ocean

[Andrew Dice Clay]

continue to eat our beautiful American pussies. My pussy is so American, it bleeds red, white, and blue.

[Aaron Belial]

Usually I would need to edit clips together for a joke like that, but that was all from a single interview.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. I love it. The evidence evolution of Aaron Belial doing some next level shit over there, using other voices, making your own clips. Make writing the bits in other people's voices. That makes sense. That's cool as hell. Awesome. How's it going, Aaron? You dress the part and everything. You look like a politician. Even your arms is crooked. As a politician right now,

[Joe DeRosa]

you're better dressed than the literal politician that was up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's True.

[Aaron Belial]

Tony has been spending too much time with Trump. Didn't know that shooting carrot juice into your cock would make your skin that color.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shoot carrot juice into my cock?

[Aaron Belial]

Take a day off, buddy. Your head looks like a horse saddle with teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, thank you. Thank you, Aaron. You fucking son of a bitch. You know, you can go out and get some sun sometime, Aaron. You can wobble your ass out to a golf course sometime and maybe drive the cart or something. Maybe you can caddy. Maybe I could use you as a fucking holster.

[Aaron Belial]

I can't really do the thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. I know you remember that.

[Tim Hill]

Fuck you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of an Australian bitch.

[James McCann]

Say that again,

[Britney Ogada]

you son of an Australian bitch.

[James McCann]

I've been nothing but good to you. Let me tell you. You've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron Belial.

[Aaron Belial]

That's true. He's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this guy. Unbelievable what's happening here.

[James McCann]

God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful. He'd be too funny. Say it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say it again.

[Britney Ogada]

Love you, too.

[James McCann]

I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you're switching voices a lot over there. Do you have a black voice on there?

[James McCann]

I would personally like the Japanese voice, if that's possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's got one. He's very excited. This motherfucker's got body language in all capital letters. When he's got something, he. I got something like that. I got that. Watch the fucking. Look at him typing. Look how fast that thumb flies when you ask for a race racist Asian accent. Joe Derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm not this fast with a phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God, you're crazy. But what are you, Alec Baldwin with that. I'm talking now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my. I'm talking now. Okay, all right. Well, okay. There you go.

[Aaron Belial]

Stop trying to make me say the N word. I am not like you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I don't say that. Thank you, Aaron. That's going to be a. That's going to be a new conspiracy theory. Just because you're bent like that doesn't mean you have to be. I'm not like you. I don't say the N word. Shut the fuck up. You've never heard me say the N word. You've heard me say every other racial slur that there is, but you've never heard me say the word. Will you keep that fucking thing up? What are you crazy? No, I'm not. I can't do it now. It's fucked up. It would have been fucked up. It would have been more racist Than me saying the N word.

[James McCann]

He was reaching.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[James McCann]

I saw. I saw the button you were gonna push accidentally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you want to push it?

[James McCann]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's not.

[James McCann]

They've got the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you see my hand go this way, that means you turn your volume up.

[James McCann]

It's. It wasn't on purpose. They've got all the animals on the iPad and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wasn't. The chimp button.

[James McCann]

And then. And he stopped because he's not a racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a chicken. Okay, Aaron, what the fuck were you gonna say three minutes ago? It is no longer relevant.

[Aaron Belial]

Nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. Everything good. Is this your first New Year's in Austin? I can't remember. Is this your first time in America on a New Year's Eve? What do you guys normally do in Canada for New Year's Eve? Make.

[James McCann]

You don't have a Canadian accent. I didn't know you were from Canada.

[Aaron Belial]

Last year in New Year's, I got jumped in Austin on 6th Street. I don't know if. If it's the way I dress or the way I walk, but homeless people keep targeting me. Yesterday on 6th Street, a guy sitting on a pizza box yells at me, hey, you look like you need to be in the ass. What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That was me.

[Aaron Belial]

At a glance, what? Looking at me makes you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you stopped yourself from talking there.

[Aaron Belial]

At a glance, what, looking at me makes you think I need to be fucked in the ass?

[Redband]

Ass.

[Aaron Belial]

I don't think that's going to help my scoliosis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, homeless people probably target you cuz they think you're a zombie walking towards them in the dark. Just. Yeah, I would target you too. Whoa.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Jesus.

[Joe DeRosa]

I only backed up because I thought it might be contagious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron Belial. He's pointing at me.

[Aaron Belial]

That's racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, he's been out of Canada a while, but not long enough to accuse people of being racist and using slurs that they don't use. It's such a liberal thing. What else is going on? Aaron? Let me type it out first and then I will tell you.

[Aaron Belial]

I was telling a joke last week about how I use my disability to skip lines at Disney World. And this Botox bimbo sitting with her plastic surgeon boyfriend gets mad and heckles me, telling me I'm abusing my power. Like, how are you gonna judge me for using my privilege to save my knees while you're getting on your knees for free lip fillers?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch. Oh, it. Oh, Anthony. That is just wrong. Anthony, the director found a girl with a bunch of Botox and did a reaction shot there. That is wrong. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Is that.

[Redband]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that the homeless person on the pizza box? Aaron, look at that. Oh, my God. Halloween on New Year's Eve. Absolutely incredible. It's a hybrid. I love it.

[Aaron Belial]

She came into my meet and greet line demanding a picture because she paid for me. Kept grabbing at me too. So I acted retarded again and I bit her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Aaron Belial]

Good luck getting that nose fixed. I bite with the strength of 47 chromosomes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're on fire, Aaron. You did it again. What else? Anything else? You fucking crushed. You did it. It. Great interview. Just a few more words from me,

[Aaron Belial]

Joe, you should love me. I can transition at any time with my thumb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. For those of you that don't know, Joe got his dick sucked by a two skank fest ago. If you're wondering why everybody keeps saying that Joe was straight.

[Joe DeRosa]

Sorry for being a champion of progress. I'm changing the world one blowjob at a time.

[Britney Ogada]

I can turn into an Australian lady

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and you can jack me off. Wow.

[James McCann]

Don't you do that to our sweet Australian women. You keep our voices out of your phone. Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country? Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? And you try and bring us down?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Didgeri. Don't do that to him. I'm sorry. Oh, okay.

[James McCann]

I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Aaron, you were great. You did it again. I love you. We love you. The people love you. Aaron Belial wobbling his way to the mountaintop every step of the way. And indeed, this is bucket pool number four. We're about to go back to back bucket pools. Your first one here. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Vic Shiv Dasani. Vic Shivdasani is the fourth bucket bowl. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise. Oh, this is a wild episode. Make some noise for Vic Ship Dasani.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

So I just got to make a stipulation real quick. I do sit down, not stand up. Yep, it's a little bit different. My name is Vikash Chef Dasani, but I go by Vic, so you're welcome. I know what you're all thinking seeing me up here, but I'm not really disabled. I'm just really lazy. Or at least that's what I tell people. See, people always feel the need to come up to me and be like, hey, man, what happened? Why in a wheelchair? My favorite, like the old Indian people who are like, so what is wrong with you? I'm like, man, what the hell is wrong with you? Got no manners. Jeez, Nothing's wrong with me. I just got tired, wanted to sit down. I had a lazy idea to add wheels. Knock and promote chair everywhere. It's fucking genius. One time this dude came up to me, was like, hey, man, what's your handicap? I was like, what? I don't know. I don't play golf. But seriously though, I used to walk and now I've been in a wheelchair for about 18 years. When I was 22 years old, after a night of partying, I fell off of a third floor apartment balcony after a night after it left me paralyzed from the waist down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna save you from the undertaker coming out here. Stop. We're not the last. That's. That would be just so depressing if the undertaker threw you in the middle of the arena right now. This is crazy. The balls on these handicap people that keep running the time for.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

For the record, the punchline there was. Oops.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you didn't like that?

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay, Vic, Vic. Dasani.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Shiv. Dasani, Shiv.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dasani, Shiv.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Like you're stabbing somebody in jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Does it upset you that the most prominent place you'll ever see your name is a water bottle?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought that hit harder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He also thought that the floor would hit harder from the third story. So your third story apartment, what happened exactly?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

So we. We had a night of party, we went out to the club, we came back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long ago was this? How old were you?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

18 years. I was 22 years old at the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

22 years old, man, that is just. Just a ripe time to drink too much. How much do you think you had to drink that night?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

12 drinks, probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Okay, so you're back at an afterparty, third floor apartment. And what happens?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

We took cabs to and from the club. We were responsible drunk people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you also drive the cab?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

No, no,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

your father drove the cab, my uncle, but. There you go. Okay, so you took cabs on. I can't imagine how that applies to the story. But now you're back at the apartment.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I got back to the apartment. One cab was missing. I went to the balcony to call my cousin who was in the missing cab. He's like, we're right around the corner. I Lean over the balcony to see if I could see any headlights coming. I lost my balance. Last thing I remember was losing my balance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable comedic timing by red band on the shot. Shot. Shots again. That's about 40 seconds after he said 12 drinks, but great. We're getting to the climax of the story. Hey, keep going. Maybe you'll fall off a third story balcony.

[James McCann]

He'll have free fallen. Ready to go in a minute and a half. It's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what happened? You're leaning over the balcony at the most unbelievable. Time for a very loud noise. Go ahead, vic.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I lost my balance. And the next. I mean, the last. The next thing I remember was waking on the ground and I don't remember falling or anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. And what did they tell you when you awakened?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

No one actually saw me. My friends with the missing cab came literally right after I fell. All I had was a bloody nose. Nobody knew what was going on. I was coming to and then I was like, I think I fell off the balcony. It was kind of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, hold on a second. This is unbelievable. This is incredible. I love how silent this arena can get.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

You're welcome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This story in which I feel like everybody's thinking like, oh, fuck, that could have been me when I was 22. It certainly could have been us.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's as quiet as an actual h E B in here right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So nobody noticed that you had fallen off. You kind of woke up and came to. You have a bloody nose. Could you feel your legs or anything?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I couldn't get up. I couldn't move. And that's when I was just like, hell, something happened to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did they find you?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I landed on the only four foot patch of grass right next to a curb and six inches from a sprinkler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. If you would have landed on the sprinkler, you would have been the best smelling Indian man that any of us. Wouldn't that have been some then just.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're one sprinkler away from a superhero origin story.

[James McCann]

Did you say it was your uncle? You were waiting for your uncle to turn up who was late?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

My. My. My cousins.

[James McCann]

Your cousin. How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Immediately.

[James McCann]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Redband]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how old are you now?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I'm 40.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for a living?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I am, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You make street food with your hands. You make sure your hands get into everything and they touch your feet. And sometimes that's what you people do. Every single one of You. Except for the cool Vivek guy. He seems clean and nice. Okay. All right. Okay. Again, that has nothing to do with anything.

[Redband]

Thing.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I. I actually am a. I help people heal from emotions. I'm a. I'm an emotional healing coach. I guess. I actually wrote a book.

[James McCann]

You wrote a book?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I wrote a book. It's called Rolling With It. Lessons Learned While Sitting Down. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like? Can your dick get hard? It's what everybody wants to know.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

It's true. It's true. I gotta use blue pills every so often, but it works. But yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That's a miracle.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's great.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

One miracle.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, that's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hard as I rock. You are Indian?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I am Indian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are your parents, like, strict Indians or whatever they wanted you to be? An engineer?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Accountant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, an accountant. Well, they can count on you never walking again. Do you get to see them alive?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's cool. Do you have anything fun that you do in your wheelchair? You play, like, wheelchair basketball?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I play wheelchair basketball. I play for the Austin Wreckers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that. That's incredible. I love it. Wrecker is a weird name for a basketball team in wheelchairs because that's how a lot of them get into wheelchairs.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Very true.

[James McCann]

Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a great question.

[James McCann]

Like, more proud to be there or.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

That's a very interesting question. There's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It's like women with big natural tits running into a woman with big fake tits.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Absolutely. Absolutely. I think. I think the people who have. Have been paralyzed more recently hate the people that just think this is life,

[James McCann]

you know, you looking down on them. You could say that it's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of disability, but that's. But wait, the.

[Joe DeRosa]

The newer crippled people look down on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the

[Joe DeRosa]

longer crippled people because the people

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

who are born cripple, like, that's just been their life. So they're like, this is it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what?

[James McCann]

You're like, you don't even know how good it is to walk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. You dog.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

That's what I'm trying to say.

[James McCann]

I got you crazy.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's like trans women versus CIS women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. I get it now.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Damn.

[Joe Barnholtz]

That's in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would have thought it would be the other way. I would have thought that the people born without the ability to walk would be like. Like, you know, you. At least you had a chance or whatever. I wouldn't have fallen off a Balcony or whatever. I can't even see over the bar to get 12 drinks in the first place. Like I think they would have a lot of built up inner anger. Do you have a girlfriend or a wife?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

No, I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You go dating a lot?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Here and there. I get lucky sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[What the Hector]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem like a goodlook. Likable.

[James McCann]

There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you you this evening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you from Austin?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I'm from South Texas, but I moved here in the summer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Have you kissed a girl in Austin since living here?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I have not.

[William Montgomery]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Well. My dear friend Vic Vik, it just so turns out that we have the best fan base here in the world. Is there a beautiful Austin woman out there that's willing to come up here and get give Vic a big kiss? Anyone? Is there a woman? There's a bunch of dudes raising their hands for some reason. Is that one right there with the glasses? Yeah, yeah. You with the glasses. Is that you? Oh, look at this one. Look at that, Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss. This looks like a real Austin woman. Ms. Place tattoos. Keep coming. Keep walking, lady.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

I cannot believe this is happening right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's happening. Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss from what appears to be Uncle Laser's aunt. This is incredible. She has a bunch of tattoos. This is a real Austin girl, Vic.

[Joe DeRosa]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She might you play for the records. She looks like she plays for the Home Wreckers. This is very exciting. Oh, shit. Here she is. Oh my God.

[James McCann]

You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go. Whoa. We got a camera angle on that. Oh shit.

[Redband]

Oh shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is New Year's Eve at the Heb Center. Oh my God. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. That's fucking fun. Here you go. Here's a big choke book. You crazy slut. Fuck yeah. Absolutely.

[James McCann]

Now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn, Vic.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Happy New Year's to me.

[Joe DeRosa]

Now, Vic, it's New Year's Eve. Have you fingered a girl in Austin yet?

[Uncle Laser]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have not. Oh, here she comes. Back up.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Oh my God. This is crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm being told. I'm being told from the great director that we might have a slow motion replay of that kiss. Wow, look at the tongue action happening here. He got could take away your legs, but he could not take that mouth away. Dear God. That is an aggressive. You guys are both nasty. You guys are tonight for sure.

[Joe DeRosa]

That kiss was messier than your fall off of the balcony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Except. Except your whole family is actually going to notice that right when it happens. They're not going to leave you. You might end up waking up next to a sprinkler again. Vic, you're going to have a hell of a night ahead of you. They might have to rename this place the Heb center after what. All right, there's a big joke book. First guy to catch it tonight. How about that?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Can I just say one more thing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Finally someone with a disability on this show that can enunciate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, just insulting some of the greats. Okay, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belial are about to officially jump you when you get off stage. They have the ability to take. Put up some. They're about to put a fucking stick in your spokes of your wheels. Bucket pool number five. It is that time ladies and gentlemen. Straight to another bucket. Could pull make some noise for her. It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Britney Ogada. Britney Ogada. Here we go. Britney Oeda. One more time for Britney everybody.

[Britney Ogada]

I don't know what was going on out here but I don't know how the I'm gonna follow that. So the other day I went through my 18 year old cell phone. I know non progressive mom and I went through and I found a chat that he was using where he was sexually chatting with some AI robot named Cindy. And I'm over here thinking most parents would be gross the fuck out by now. But I'm over here like yes, he's finally sexually talking to something. I need to get the shit dick out of my house already. But the joke was on me because I quickly realized that the AI chat robot that he was speaking to was from a group chat that was called Boys who secretly want to fuck their Moms. Boy, I was quick to the store to buy four fucking locks for my bedroom door that night. Just the other day I went to go pick him up from from school, high school. And I'm sitting in the car and he comes out and he's got like one glove, just one glove on his hand, you know one of the gloves with the tips cut off. Like how they wear like sticky bandits and Home alone and anyway I looking at him I was like what the fuck is this homo doing? And he gets in my car and I'm like what the fuck are you wearing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. No no no no no no no no. I'm gonna save you again. There night. There it is. Oh boy. You came out guns a blazing with an excuse. Don't know how I'm going to follow that. And I knew right then and there that you were going to suck a. It's okay, though.

[Britney Ogada]

I had some laughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's okay. That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say. And look like I had some laughters. Okay, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up, Brittany?

[Britney Ogada]

This is my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you want to sign up tonight? Okay, got him back on your side. Joe Derosa comes running back because he thinks you're trans. What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your friends? First time doing standup comedy?

[Britney Ogada]

Honestly, it's my husband's birthday. He's out there. He's been watching Kill Tony.

[James McCann]

Are you booing husband's birthday?

[Britney Ogada]

It's because they're not on stage right now. That's all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Straight up attacking the comedian section.

[Britney Ogada]

The comedians attacking me. It's all right.

[James McCann]

My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off.

[Britney Ogada]

I said tips cut off.

[James McCann]

I know it was tips, but I. That was fun.

[Britney Ogada]

It was going to be a good joke.

[James McCann]

Can I ask what that was? Why did he have glove with the tips?

[Britney Ogada]

He was wearing a glove. And this is a true story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People are begging for the undertaker to come out and beat the out of a woman. This is absolutely incredible. This is is incredible. I've. I've never seen anything. I did not think this is how the show would go. Okay. How long have you been with your husband?

[Britney Ogada]

I've been with him for 10 years, but I've been watching you guys forever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So again, the comedians. Are. Are you guys booing this cuz you think I'm going to bring up the husband? Why are you booing her husband? I'm confused.

[James McCann]

What were you doing to the comedians during the show?

[Britney Ogada]

Wasn't even sitting over there. I had my own ticket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband? I just want to keep saying the undertaker. I'm not bringing up the undertaker. It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up and bombed.

[Redband]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People really want to see it, though. This is incredible. Okay, I'm going to save you. I'm going to to save everybody right now. Is there any hilarious thing about you? There you go. That's her time. This is a very, very, very good on you. This is the smallest joke book I could find. There she goes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, watch how fast the energy in the room Changes as I bring up up a comedian who was not here last night and hasn't been around very much lately because he has been booked doing sold out shows all around the world. A man of true mystery, an anomaly, if you will, in the history of Kiltoni as one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A freak a man talked about. Some people say that this is God's favorite comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long awaited return of Casey Rocket. And yet I find.

[Casey Rocket]

Yet I find there's no one left to go. God, senior year's gonna be nuts. We're gonna run this school, man. Marble. Marble hair. The ritual's almost complete.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To Tony.

[Casey Rocket]

But one of us has to die

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for the other to truly be free.

[Casey Rocket]

Alexander wept, for there were no more rifts left to conquer. It's funny you bring that up because seven years ago tonight, my teacher, Ms. Garlic, Carly Garlic, heir to the Garlic fortune, she Old Garlic money. You guys would have loved her. But she pulled me aside and she said, titty boy lacroix. And I said, speaking. And she said five words that changed my life. She said, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I told her the truth, Austin. I said, I want to relapse. And

[James McCann]

she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was startled.

[Casey Rocket]

I think she was startled because a relapse is predicated upon an initial addiction. But she's a sheep. She doesn't get me like you guys do.

[Redband]

But.

[Casey Rocket]

So, seven years ago, I would have been 12. I'm 19 now and I've never looked better. Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's from huffing ether, but science isn't there yet to tell.

[Tim Hill]

But

[Casey Rocket]

it's funny to do drugs when you're 12, because two years before that you were 10. So. So you're a little kid. You're like a little kid. Like, I can remember doing Air Duster with my friends and we're 12 years old. I can remember doing Duster and my buddy would be like, what's the biggest

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dog you've ever seen?

[Casey Rocket]

And I.

[Redband]

My neighbor's dog's fucking massive.

[Casey Rocket]

But you shouldn't do Duster. I've lost a lot of good friends like that. Chris Benoit. Aaron Carter. Chris Benoit. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, especially around the holidays. But Chris Benoit murdered his family. Allegedly. I think Rey Mysterio did it. But thank you, Casey rocket, class of 2013.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, that is how. Now it's done. Thank you. What a return. I mean, I don't think I've ever said this before on this show, but Casey, I have missed you.

[Casey Rocket]

I missed you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are such a distinct type of rock star. Built for arenas at the ripe age of 19 years old.

[Casey Rocket]

19?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's news to us.

[Casey Rocket]

And I've never look better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[James McCann]

Did you get a septum piercing?

[Casey Rocket]

You say something.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Funny?

[Casey Rocket]

You bring that up, James? I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Did it hurt?

[Tim Hill]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you get it done at Tooties.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's Tooties at?

[Casey Rocket]

Right next to Mr. Tyler's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about Carly, heir to the Garlic fortune.

[Casey Rocket]

That name. What's in a name, really? But Ms. Garlic was one of the formidable adversaries and my benefactor. She put me through med school and I wouldn't be anywhere without Ms. Garlic. That's Carly Garlic to you. It's Ms. Garlic to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which seems backwards, but. But that is amazing. I. No idea. You went to medical school? What did you study at medical school?

[Casey Rocket]

Premed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love it. I love it.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. Just trying to figure it all out.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Phishing attacks. Cyber security. Homeland.

[Redband]

You all right, red pants? You okay, bubba?

[Casey Rocket]

That red band's been really sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey, you are such a star with such an unbelievable like brand and your own style. How's it been going out on the road?

[Casey Rocket]

It's been really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. Oh, you're putting your hair back. We've never seen this before. That's a new thing.

[Casey Rocket]

It's been the best summer of my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I went. Can you turn to the side so that everybody can see? Wow, look at that. Oh, my God. Titty boy lacroix. Thanks.

[Casey Rocket]

In these old rags?

[Liz Splat]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

It's been the best summer ever. I went to 40 cities. I just got finished, so I'm going to 30 more next year. It's been really fun. Thank you for coming to see me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So cool. Thank you. A true comedian. A true comedian spreads his wings all over. How do you travel? What type of vehicle do you have? I've always wondered that. You seem like such a mysterious man. I've always pictured you perhaps horse and carriage or something.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, Nosferatu style.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Casey Rocket]

God, listen to that. Nosferatu pop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the biggest pops in showbiz history.

[Casey Rocket]

Tony's about to barf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Redband. So sick. I did an almost double spit take there. I swallowed half.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, Horse and buggy. My mom's a horse trainer. Shout out to Jenny Rocket. She's a horse trainer. She's watching from home right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So cool. That's nice.

[Casey Rocket]

Thanks. Yeah, Horse and buggy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little Car, Big car. I'm looking at the way that Joe Derosa is looking at you. And I noticed that it changed when you put your hair back in the. A ponytail.

[Joe DeRosa]

I. I did notice that.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Out.

[Joe DeRosa]

Out of all the almost trans women tonight, I am most attracted to Casey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Truly, out of the. Out of the performers and the woman that came up to kiss the Indian in the wheelchair, somehow Casey Rocket is indeed the most beautiful woman that's been on the stage tonight. Very. Oh, is that Jenny Rocket? I'm here.

[Joe DeRosa]

I want to say a very sincere thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

To Casey. I mean, this dude like you, like, you know, when you're in the business, whatever, you see some of the younger guys coming up and sometimes you see a dude that makes you go, man, this guy. I gotta work harder. You're one of those guys to me, man. I'm serious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Joe. You really are. I'm serious. I've started to see.

[Joe DeRosa]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. I've seen a couple people on social media. I've been sent some clips of some people. I don't know their names. I wouldn't throw anybody under a bus. But I will say that I'm starting to see some upand cominging comics try to rip that style a bit. A lot of roaming around, a lot of not looking at people. I'm starting to see murmurs of it. The Comedy Store tr.

[James McCann]

Monica sales have gone through the roof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Terrible. Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Riffing is not a victimless crime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not.

[Casey Rocket]

I wouldn't advise it. It's tough. I don't want to. We can talk about it later. But of course we'll circle back to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course.

[Casey Rocket]

But that's really flattering. I'm just a comic. Just a guy from his car living the American dream and happy to be here. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you. Casey Rocket. Another unbelievable performance. Truly, truly. You have watched this star be born and risen and rises again. This is the resurrection of titty boy Lacroix. Casey Rocket. And that brings us indeed to bucket pool number six. Who knows? This next person could be the next KC Rocket. Make some noise. Forum. It's Tim Hill, everyone. Tim Hill. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. There's Tim Hill.

[Tim Hill]

Austin, Texas. Is everybody doing good on New Year's? Good, good. So I just want to say every woman in the world. Every woman reaches an orgasm differently. Fellas, listen. Every woman comes differently. Every woman takes a little something different to reach a climate. I was dating a lady one time who could only come while she was on top. My last girlfriend could only come when she was getting fucked from behind. The lady I'm with right now can only come when she's getting fucked by a black guy and I'm tied up. It's crazy. It's crazy. But tomorrow I'm gonna be a couple years sober, actually. And don't woo I have a minute. But I was in Narcotics Anonymous for a long time. There was this lady, she was in my group. She was in Narcotics Anonymous. She was there for weed. And, yo, I respect everybody. But like that lady, you know what it's like. Hey, yo, we do heroin and benzos in your sweetheart.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

All right?

[Tim Hill]

Get a story or get out. Okay, we're good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Tim Hill. You've been on this show before. I remember you.

[Tim Hill]

Years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Welcome. Welcome.

[James McCann]

Welcome back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it. Were you still on Narcotics the last time you were on the show?

[Tim Hill]

No, but the last time I hung out with you, I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did we hang out?

[Tim Hill]

Skank Fest South. I was. I was toast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. That makes sense.

[James McCann]

That's a terrible festival for a recovering narcotics addict to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[James McCann]

Choose to go to.

[Tim Hill]

I was fucked up. I was. I was on drugs.

[James McCann]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Well, I'm proud of you for the journey.

[Tim Hill]

Thank you, man. I appreciate it.

[James McCann]

Unless.

[Tim Hill]

Unless you want to hang out later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Look at that. Joe DeRosa found the second most beautiful woman on this stage tonight.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was gonna say, I like how Casey was dressed like Lane Stanley, and you look like Courtney Love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is amazing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tim Hill]

The fucking guy who wants to do coke with me later. That's what I'm talking about.

[James McCann]

Okay.

[Tim Hill]

What's up? We're getting quiet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Tim Hill]

I take care of dogs. I'm like a trainer and stuff like that. I go around, I walk dogs, I take. I work at a place for, like, a daycare, but I do a lot of stuff with them.

[James McCann]

Hold on. But you've got a UPS shirt on.

[Tim Hill]

This. This is.

[James McCann]

Are you stealing valor from the ups?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tim Hill]

Yeah, you get to skip the lines and things like that. Free packages delivered to my house. This is my girlfriend shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you really do have a girlfriend.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with her? Very.

[Tim Hill]

Since I got to Texas. Like, right away in March. Like eight or nine months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What does she do now?

[Tim Hill]

She works for a gun company. She counts like, gun parts?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tim Hill]

She makes. She's fucking putting Glocks together, bringing them home.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tim Hill]

I find parts all over my house. It's like John Wicks living in my home, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Almost forgot we were In Texas. And then I heard a pop for gun parts. Yeehee. Parts of a gun. Can't have a whole gun without the parts.

[James McCann]

I just love them when the parts come together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a hot crowd tonight. This is a true Texas crowd cheering for gun parts. People crying. I saw tears out there during that national anthem. I saw tears for the undertaker. This is real Texas crowd.

[James McCann]

And you did a joke about like your girlfriend having sex with black guys while you watched. But this. I'm just noticing this. In America, in every hotel room, there is a cuck chair looking at the bed. So is that more common? There's always a chair. So someone. It's right at the bed. Is that a very common.

[Tim Hill]

No, that's Tim Hill's special seat. I'll tell you. That's mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they don't do that in Australia. They don't have a chair in the bedroom, just in case you want.

[James McCann]

It doesn't always point directly at the bed.

[Redband]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like a. It's a chair where you're supposed to, like, I don't know, take your shoes

[James McCann]

off or watch your wife get by another man.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's truly the land of milk and honey. America. We have a chair in the hotel room. How bad is in Australia?

[James McCann]

I'm the king of the castle. I'm on a chair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's an Australian thing that's in a bedroom that's not in an American bedroom?

[Joe DeRosa]

A real man.

[James McCann]

Thank you. That's great. I appreciate that.

[Joe DeRosa]

People that don't talk like idiots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would you say that?

[James McCann]

I knew it would come to this. We have perfectly good bedrooms. We talk in a normal way.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, you don't listen to yourself.

[James McCann]

Yeah, it's fair.

[Joe DeRosa]

Sound like a.

[James McCann]

Here's what's hard. I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia. And as I was in line, I had. I heard a woman talking and I thought she's. And then I realized it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me.

[Joe DeRosa]

I also love that the Australian pronunciation of is equal to the Boston pronunciation of retarded.

[James McCann]

You got to pay the respect to where it came from, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tim, what's the crazy, craziest thing we'd be surprised to know about you? That since the last time you've been on this show a couple years ago.

[Tim Hill]

Let's talk the lady's dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[James McCann]

You got

[Joe DeRosa]

sit down and have a conversation, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to another episode of Whoa, Derosa. Let's talk about it. Take us through the evening, nice and slow. Don't just go straight to like the. So she's coming down the back of my throat like the. Where did you see her? Where did you meet her? What? Take it nice and easy.

[Tim Hill]

It's a pretty simple story. You go on a. A website called List Crawler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what the is that?

[Tim Hill]

I sucked. I sucked a prostitute stick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Joe DeRosa]

Christ.

[Tim Hill]

There was a condom on it, which made me feel more like a. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Than I did in the first place. You basically. Basically sucked a dildo.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, that's like. That's like making a sandwich for the guy at Subway.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that.

[Tim Hill]

It sounds like that, but no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When the.

[Tim Hill]

When the interest is to see a lady with giant tits and a. The $75 is worth it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You paid $75 to suck a lady's dick with a condom on it? Yeah.

[James McCann]

It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like, right? Like conservative has changed its meaning pretty drastically over the last two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look, so let me speak to right wing podcast.

[James McCann]

They're all sucking whore dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me, let me, let me speak for everybody. And I say everyone in America deserves to suck a lady's dick. We just don't want our kids to have to hear about it in school.

[James McCann]

Yay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The second they graduate high school, it's fucking condoms. Ready?

[Tim Hill]

I'll clear it up. It was a three way dick suck with a woman who I was with.

[Redband]

Dig up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait. Okay. Say that again.

[Tim Hill]

I used to have sex on the Internet, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean? I had.

[Tim Hill]

I'm telling you, I'm gonna get there. I had sex on chatterbait, if you're familiar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Standing ovation from Redban, our senior disgusting correspondent.

[Tim Hill]

And we wanted to switch it up. So we got tits and a dick at the same time. Not a common order on the Internet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. So this is with your girlfriend? Yeah. So you and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here.

[Tim Hill]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go.

[Tim Hill]

That's the start and stop of the story. We find one on the Internet.

[James McCann]

Oh, whatever happened to good old fashioned heterosexual love?

[Tim Hill]

Well, because here's a problem.

[James McCann]

Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to prove bring tits and a dick into the equation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, I just want to take a moment. About 20 seconds ago, there was a guy on the final thing when I said, so you and your girl had a girl with a dick come over and some guy over there goes gay. Like, it's like, where have you been the last seven minutes? Sir, you just wake up. Is that Vic landing from the third floor again? It's like

[Redband]

gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's a sprinkler doing next to me? But this ends with a sprinkler in your face as well. Sure does.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tim Hill]

No, cuz my girlfriend and I, we were on chatterbait a lot and we had regular people who liked the things that we did and they wanted. They wanted a little switch up, right? And hey, it's a switch up that I didn't hate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Okay, so the woman comes over, you throw a con. You guys just get right to it. Is there any small talk? Talk?

[Tim Hill]

There's drug use.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what kind of drugs?

[Tim Hill]

Coke is what I was on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And the. In the hooker, the trans hooker did coke as well.

[Tim Hill]

The hookers won't do your drugs. I don't know if you boys have ever tried, but the hookers are playing it safe nowadays, right? And they won't do drug. All I wanted for two years was to do coke in a room with a hooker and hang out with me.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's not a hard thing to achieve.

[Ari Matin]

Dude.

[Tim Hill]

It's harder than you'd think. Think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Apparently it's not.

[Tim Hill]

All right, show me around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible.

[James McCann]

This is the world that people who hated the Beatles were afraid of. They knew it started with a man with long hair and it ended here. Attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the Internet.

[Tim Hill]

You're like £80 and a dick in your mouth away from being me.

[James McCann]

Okay, that's true. There was a fork in the road and we went down. I. I went with the sandwich. You went with the penis.

[Joe DeRosa]

There was a fork in your mouth.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible. You're a wheelchair away from being Lieutenant Dan. Okay, so the hooker comes over, you and your girlfriend do drugs. The hooker refuses your drugs, starts slowly putting on a condom.

[Tim Hill]

No, they hang out.

[Aaron Belial]

She's.

[Tim Hill]

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. She gets it. I get sucked, you know, a little bit by both of them. And then we do what the people on the Internet are. Are asking for, which is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you went live on the Internet sucking a dick. Yes. Wow. Any regrets the next morning? No, I love.

[Tim Hill]

No, just a unlocked thing that I know I like now that I can't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of guys are sobering up out there, realizing that this guy's out there sucking and that they don't like that. How much money did. Did you make though?

[Tim Hill]

A good amount. More than the $75 you homophobes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you pull the profit off this?

[Tim Hill]

100%. Easy Peasy Hotel room, coke and hooker free.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

At what point do you and your girlfriend stream the AIDS test?

[Tim Hill]

That's Patreon. That's next week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is the clip findable somewhere? Is it out? Oh, okay. Red band was true. Lying. I wanted to help.

[Tim Hill]

I don't. Can you go backwards on chatterbait?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band, you know you already have a joke book.

[Tim Hill]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here you go. There goes my dick. Damn. Well, no, that's another person's job. There goes Tim Hill, everybody. Oh, boy, this place is about to go crazy again. Oh, another person who wasn't here last. Last night who just got into town today is yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A kill Tony hall of famer, a guy absolutely, I believe, second place for all time appearances, all time interviews, a roast. God. This is the one in only David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Thank you, thank you,

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Thank you.

[David Lucas]

Y' all ever notice that snatching a black girl's wig off is equivalent to taking the mask off of the criminal on Scooby Doo? It's like, I knew it was you. She's like, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you kids. I don't know what it is about snatching a black girl's wig off, but that shit changed her DNA, you know what I'm saying? Because when you snatch the wig off, the eyebrows come with it. My relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch wig off. I snatched her wig off and I called the cops on that hoe. I'm like, hey, it's a hood nigga in my bathroom. Somebody uncle just went in my closet. But I think if you're in a relationship and you've been with a girl at least three months, you should have at least seen her now natural face. Because the first time you see your girl without makeup, it's like, damn, baby, I didn't know you had six months to live.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

What the.

[David Lucas]

If I knew that was terminal, I would have never cheated on your ass. All right, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. The return of the legend.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

Tony, uh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[David Lucas]

You look like a gay nigga going through a divorce. Yes. That motherfucker got his sleeves rolled up like he about to split everything in half, including the dildo. This is your half. What's up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know you feeling well. We know you're not splitting anything in half.

[David Lucas]

We know what you split in half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, my God. Your hat is as backwards as your diet.

[David Lucas]

God damn, Tony. Why you so red? You gotta stop letting your man abuse you. You up here looking like a ripe tomato. Your ass. I'm gonna throw it at the next bucket pour. That don't do good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe you know what a tomato is. That's a vegetable with nutrients in it.

[David Lucas]

But you know what a cucumber is. You gay. That totally know what a sandwich pickle is. Look at he want one right now. That smoking that cigarette thinking about a dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. You are on fire already. Look at you. You look like the somebody's teddy bear ate everything.

[David Lucas]

I just be missing Tony so much. God damn. What's up? So the Joe derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

That looked like the kid off of the Wild Thornberries.

[What the Hector]

Yep.

[David Lucas]

What was that kid name on the W?

[Redband]

David.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's nice to finally be in a room big enough that you can fit into,

[David Lucas]

Joe. If you would have been riding in the front seat of JFK's car, he wouldn't be dead. You big head. Water balloon Head ass. Get the out of here. Look at that head out here looking like Jimmy Neutron. Bitch, get your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It's true.

[David Lucas]

He's that motherfucker look like an educated llama. Get your dumb ass. Look at that nigga head.

[Joe DeRosa]

I like that you're keeping the chocolate twizzlers inside your hat now.

[David Lucas]

Joe Derosa look like he got a football helmet on, boy. Big head ass. If you headbutt a nigga, it'll be a first degree homicide charge. Big head. God damn. Now you got to take an aspirin with a bow and arrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

How many boyfriends you got now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. You stop it.

[David Lucas]

Especially after that trump. I know you got some exotic niggas now, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[David Lucas]

Tony out here with all type of Puerto Rican in his house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before I was a blatant Republican, the only elephant that supported me was you.

[David Lucas]

Don't laugh at that, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This. Oh yeah. Got him.

[David Lucas]

Tony, I don't. I don't even know why you're a Republican. Because you can't get abortions no more. You can't get no more abortions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the one that looks like you're pregnant with triplets.

[David Lucas]

I might be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[David Lucas]

Every time I nut in a I get pregnant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you not tried Ozempic? Are you allergic to it or something? What's going on? You haven't tried it. You know, there's an easy way around this.

[David Lucas]

Now, Tony, you out here taking Z zest Toron. What a gay ass.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dave's Like I've been eating the oic. It's not working.

[David Lucas]

Jos. We going to put your head on some oic. Your head need to go on the Smith ass diet.

[Redband]

Make fun of James. He's fat.

[James McCann]

No, I'm sitting this out. I was very happy in and sit this one out.

[David Lucas]

That James look like William Montgomery waking up from a 20 year coma.

[Redband]

You shut your mouth.

[James McCann]

You shut your mouth. David Lucas. David Lucas look like Pusher T8 Biggie Smalls. I'm not taking this from you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you woke the Australian roast bee beast.

[David Lucas]

I want to wake that up. Boy, it look like somebody put your ass in the dryer. Said I got to be the kill Tony in 30 minutes. Let me go in the dryer.

[James McCann]

Well, if people would stop cancelling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I called you, you dumb.

[James McCann]

You're so nice backstage. What is this weird Persona? Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8000 people? Your mama raised you better than that.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, a kangaroo raised you, you Australian bitch. Did you drive a Subaru here? You lesbian. Get your ass out of here. James McCann, you look like a disheveled lesbian. Get your.

[James McCann]

Oh, yes. You look like a very hair handsome man indeed. Don't have any problems going on in the body. People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much. David.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If David lived in a glass house, he wouldn't be able to lean against any of the walls.

[David Lucas]

Y' all gagging up on me now? Kind of like gang up on Tony.

[Redband]

You stop.

[James McCann]

Yeah, it's funny,

[Martin Phillips]

motherfucker.

[David Lucas]

Joe DeRosa. Go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[David Lucas]

What your head got to say. I like to see you put on a baseball cap.

[Redband]

Your hat is on the last notch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Show the notch to the people.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's on the last notch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we zoom in on that notch?

[David Lucas]

But Joe DeRosa, you look like one of them rattlesnake preachers. You know what I'm saying? When rattlesnakes bite you, then you pray it up off. All right, that wasn't that good.

[James McCann]

Yeah, don't try to get look like someone who has given Richard Nixon advice.

[Cam Patterson]

Look at him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do look at him, James.

[David Lucas]

Can't just make me laugh. I don't know.

[James McCann]

I watched a Watergate documentary. You're in it a lot.

[Joe DeRosa]

You look like somebody bleached David Lucas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You fat.

[James McCann]

I'll accept it.

[David Lucas]

He's not that fat. That's like my.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yes, he is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's fat.

[James McCann]

Oh, in my kind country, if I

[David Lucas]

was his eyes, I'd be happy in

[James McCann]

my country, I'm very, very fat.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

For real.

[David Lucas]

Australia.

[James McCann]

In America, I'm doing okay.

[David Lucas]

And on. In. In America, you healthy.

[James McCann]

That's a. I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart. That is a good time. I've seen you there. We've been out there together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[David Lucas]

I don't shop at Walmart. What the is you talking about? Jordan Rosa look like he can only drive convertibles with that head. Or car with a sunroof. You just see his head poking out the top. If you see Joe Derosa's head shadow, that mean we got 30 more days.

[Redband]

I can't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible.

[David Lucas]

De Rosa day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas is only here because when he heard HB center, he thought he was going to the best grocery store ever.

[David Lucas]

HB is. Is a good grocery store.

[James McCann]

It's fantastic.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, it's a good grocery store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. That's where you can catch him on mobility scooters.

[David Lucas]

I actually do groceries delivered to my house. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I don't really, really.

[Joe DeRosa]

You don't move around much.

[David Lucas]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's a surprise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is.

[David Lucas]

If you get a headache, you're gonna be in the hospital for three days.

[James McCann]

No, I had this man picked as a Whole Foods man. Cause he's eating the Whole Foods up in that store. That's all I have. I'm sorry.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I'm gonna take a kangaroo to beat your ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. You really get groceries delivered?

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are they done drive by style or.

[David Lucas]

What do you order, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know me. Sausage right up my ass.

[David Lucas]

Organic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As long as it's organic.

[David Lucas]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No condom. So, David, how's life been going? You've been on the road, You've been traveling around?

[David Lucas]

Yes, sir. Got a lot of tour days for 20, 25. Me and you got some exciting stuff coming up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[David Lucas]

So you will be seeing a lot of stuff for me and Tony in 2025. I can't wait for the world to see that. Y. Yeah. Just touring, doing shows. Thank you for everybody who has supported.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you, David. You're a monster, an absolute beast.

[David Lucas]

Thank you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I appreciate it. Make some noise for the great and powerful David L. You might as well, my man. One more time for David, everybody. Again, hall of famer, legend. And speaking of legends, let's just go back to back chaos before we get back to this bucket. You guys want back to back chaos? I present to you here to grace us with his presence. It's unbelievable. Just like the undertaker being here. This is so Surreal for a fucking unit. Young punk like myself that started when I was younger, thinking, who knows where this can go? Here to do an appearance on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, the first comedian to ever sell out an arena, one of the greatest of all time, I present to you. This is indeed the return of Andrew Dice Clay.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

You know what, Tony? You know what I. I should have. I mean, you. Number one. Let's hear for Tony Henchcliffe. He's unreal. But, you know. And I know what you. New Year's Eve. I mean, I saw the Undertaker. I fucked them. But the thing is this, Tony,

[Joe Barnholtz]

I

[Andrew Dice Clay]

am a little upset. I'm just. I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest. Because, you know, when you carry something, you know, Joe, when something's bothering you, and I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my chest, it's really going to bother me. And I won't be able to do anything for you because I'm getting ready for the show, right? And I tell her all the time, because I follow a list. I put things like fingerless gloves I stole from Dick. Sporting goods, check. And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the list, but she makes a noise. And I come over and I tell her, as nice as you, shut up. I go back to the list. Shoes by Ferragamo. She makes another noise. It gets a little more severe. I'm telling you the truth, you know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go, you know, shut the fuck up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Up.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

I mean, you understand if somebody said that to you, you would understand it, right? She makes another noise. And I'm just going to out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside. And I've been sitting backstage for a while, and I come over to her and. And with one hand, I'm just. I can't lie. I just can't do it. And with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash her on the fucking ground. And now she's in fucking pieces. You know, I got Alexa during the pandemical, and everything was beautiful back then.

[Redband]

I don't know.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

I'd come out of the room in the morning, I go, alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. Come fly with me let's fly let's fly away. Thank you. Alexa set the coffee timer for five minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Alexa, what's the weather like outside?

[Redband]

Oh, it's sunny weekend, a few clouds in the sky,

[Andrew Dice Clay]

and about eight months ago it starts, right? I come out. Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. She starts playing some rock and roll. Alexis, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Nothing. Tell them in the shower, 20 minutes later. And she starts beep, beep, beep, beep, hoping I slip and break my fucking hip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys? I know that would have never been a problem. Anthony, play Frank Sinatra radio. Come fly with me, let's fly let's fly away Anthony, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Dice, you only gotta tell me one time. I'm not Alexa. Me and you with the same go take your shower. And if you want to know the weather, look out the window. And here we are, New Year's Eve. This is the night, let me tell you. This is one loaded of time, fellas. Everybody gets to shoot their moose juice all over you tonight. That's what it's all about. And tonight it's not just about a quick bang. It's about being a fucking mechanic. Walk around the bed, pal. Take a good look at her, what she's wearing. Be a mechanic. Move the thong to the side. Nice beefy clam chops between her legs. You get on missionary. Why? Why would you get on missionary? Just to break a sweat. Loosen the back muscles. The back of your legs. Get on your toes. Dig in a little. Now, when you break a sweat, you grab it by your ankle, pull it to the edge of the bed caddy corner. It's the best fucking workout in the world. You're doing the screwdriver, you're working your shoulders, your tries, your buys. It's incred. Now you're gonna do your squats, hold on to that ankle. But on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink lip lagoon. On the sixth time down, my friend, you missed the pink lip lagoon. And your tongue goes in a whole other area. And when your tongue goes in her asshole, by the way, the. They used to hide from us with extra long hairs. And today they take it to the salon, they get it bleached out, buffed out, put a little studded earring in there. So when your tongue goes in there, what does a chick do? They all look to the left. They're all like, did he do what I think he just did? And then the show begins. Ass, Putty.

[Liz Splat]

Ass.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Putty, Tit. Ankle. Putty, putty, putty, ass. Like you're honking a horn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ass.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Then you pick up the tempo Ass putty, Ass putty, Ass putty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

And I learned all of that from all of my mom's best fucking friends. And that's where you are on New Year's Eve. I just. I just came out and I heard when you yelled that out. I heard it, but I don't know if these. These people would know the Mother Goose stuff, so, you know, I'm not. I'm not going to stand up here unless I really hear that, you know. Well, Ms. Muffet sat on a toughie Eating occurred some way long Came a spidey sat down beside he said, hey, what's in the bowl?

[Redband]

Oh,

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Jack and Jill went up to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hell Both with a bucket a quarter

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Joe came down with 250 oh, little boy Blue, he needed the money

[Redband]

Hickory

[Andrew Dice Clay]

dickory dock, this chick was sucking my. The clock struck two I dropped my goo I dumped a on the next

[Redband]

block oh, oh, Mother hubby went to

[Andrew Dice Clay]

the cupboard to get her old dog

[Redband]

a bone she bent over, Rover took over, oh, she got a bone of her own.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

You've been a great crowd. God bless. Happy fucking New Year's.

[Redband]

I love you, Austin.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Thank you, Tony. I love you. Good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andrew Dice Clay, ladies and gentlemen. You are in it. The vortex of chaos that is kill Tony in its hometown in an arena. You guys having fun tonight or what? We're going back to the bucket. Somebody has to follow the first comedian that ever did an arena straight out of a bucket. Could be you. One minute uninterrupted to the seventh bucket poll of the night. That goes by the name of Cameron Altman, everybody. Cameron Altman. Make some noise for Cameron, everybody.

[James McCann]

What's up, Austin?

[Casey Rocket]

So denying the Holocaust is like denying O.J. did the crime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's kind of like denying Sleepy Joe's a pedo. So the left says Hitler's coming to power this year.

[Casey Rocket]

Hitler.

[Cam Patterson]

Ugh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If that's the case, I may need

[Casey Rocket]

to borrow somebody's attic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't feel like writing a diary. So all it's really gonna say is

[Casey Rocket]

we didn't learn shit from our history. Give them a circus and none shall revolt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to the circus, folks. I guess so, anyways.

[David Lucas]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the eat the rich. Everybody's saying, I'd go down on a

[Casey Rocket]

lonely old widow for a chance at owning a house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

House. In this economy. Okay, I'm gonna save you immediately. Cameron. Cameron Altman. Welcome, welcome. How are you doing? Well, Tony, how long you been doing stand up? A couple months now. Okay. All of it here in Austin?

[Casey Rocket]

No, in Denver. Actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, welcome from Denver. Is that where you're originally from?

[Casey Rocket]

No, I'm originally from Oklahoma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For those of you listening to the. There is nothing this guy can do more to be hated by this audience. I'm trying my best.

[Casey Rocket]

No, Oklahoma sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a bunch of pedophiles. You're doing a good job. Keep trying. Take a literally. Cameron, take a step forward. Look it out at those people and tell them why Oklahoma sucks. Oklahoma sucks because there's a bunch of

[Casey Rocket]

meth addicts that touch children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma? They hate Oklahoma. Do they like touching children? No. What did Ghost say? Okay, Red band. Thank you.

[James McCann]

It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay. People do say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is, especially when you don't have material and your eyes are closer than Clinton and Epstein. Look at those things. Your eyes are almost touching. Traumatic brain injury at 2.

[Casey Rocket]

My brother threw a rock at my head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. All right, the crowd is in. I want to say now, Cameron, here's a little joke book. I'm gonna save you. Oh, Jesus. Just hit him between the eyes. It's impossible to hit him between the

[James McCann]

eyes, so keep going.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, do we have a replay?

[James McCann]

I'm not afraid of anything anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'm calling for a slow mo replay of that book hitting him. I'm wondering how long it'll take. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Where's it at? Here, here it's gonna come. Oh, Jesus Christ. Give it to me one more time. Anthony, it's just too good. Oh, look at this. We happen to have the production team from the UFC here, so I can literally. Oh, yeah, right. Oh, my God. Wow, that is incredible. I mean, his fingers weren't even close. The throat is incredibly accurate, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and look at the reaction time. That is a true traumatic brain injury. He blinks seconds after it hits him. Oh, and he tried to catch the rebound. Not even close. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be the first arena show ever to watch the cause of a suicide happen in real time.

[James McCann]

He's gonna be back. He's gonna make it. This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondents dinner, and everyone was laughing at him, and he was like, fuck you. I'm gonna take over. That guy's gonna get some jokes and he's gonna be back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He could end up being the best comedian of all time one day.

[James McCann]

I don't care.

[Redband]

I'm strong.

[James McCann]

Boo away, fat man from Oklahoma.

[Joe DeRosa]

I can't believe I missed that whole Thing. I was peeing, and I just heard a wave of booze.

[James McCann]

I couldn't explain to you what happened if I tried. It's a haunted house.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was nuts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna change the tone of this room yet again, everybody. Don't worry you booing people. This is a very emotional audience. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a freak of nature that makes writing and performing a new minute look like a casual putting butter on your toast in the morning. I present to you one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians, Lady. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everyone. You can get louder than that.

[Redband]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Can y' all tell I ran out of material yet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I ain't got to say, oh. I say this.

[Cam Patterson]

I just learned how to do that backstage, and I thought that was gonna be pretty fucking funny if I could have pulled it off. But it would have been cool to do that in, like, 19, like, 32. You take over a whole fucking town, nigga.

[Redband]

They be like, this nigga's a witch and a nigga. What's the fuck going on here, man?

[Cam Patterson]

I tell you this. I fuck Barack Obama, nigga. Not for the reasons you think, brother. That nigga was too happy. No, I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, even the president of the United States. And I was like, what is that? And then she said, he make the rules for the country. And, Cam, you could even be the first black president of the United States. And then when I was in third grade in 2008, Barack Obama became the first black president.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[Cam Patterson]

And that fault took my dreams from

[David Lucas]

me,

[Cam Patterson]

and I sold crack the next day. All right, that's it. I'm done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[James McCann]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think that's a great joke. That's one of my favorite jokes. That's. That's a great joke.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, whatever you say, brother. I'll bet that stressing like a Tony I ain't have. I like this water thing going. Only thing I have right now, I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're getting in your own head. That's what happens. You have.

[Cam Patterson]

It almost worked.

[James McCann]

Were you using a napkin? What happened there?

[Cam Patterson]

It was a. It was a magnet. It was supposed to be magic. I was doing magic.

[Redband]

Cam.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm just curious.

[Uncle Laser]

Huh?

[Joe DeRosa]

What was supposed to happen with the upside down cup?

[Cam Patterson]

It supposed to stay like that.

[Joe DeRosa]

And then what?

[Cam Patterson]

And then that was It.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, I did that same thing in Boston, and they loved it, but they done home, so it's.

[Ari Matin]

You did what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The water trip.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, they lost their minds in Boston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like it?

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Martin Phillips]

What?

[David Lucas]

The.

[Cam Patterson]

The. The water trick? Yeah, I love the water trick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love the water?

[Cam Patterson]

It's pretty. I just learned that in Boston. It was dope.

[Joe DeRosa]

They never seen a black person in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boston, like, here you go, black man. We're going to teach you some tricks. So, water cup. We have a replay of it. Let's see the replay of your. What you consider your love. Lowest moment in comedy history. Very proud right there. Look at the look of absolute shock,

[Joe DeRosa]

the sheer surprise that it didn't work.

[Redband]

I was so confident in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe it.

[Cam Patterson]

Not gonna hold you. Listen, real shit. It was either. I was gonna do that. I was gonna come up and just start jerking for like two minutes, nigga. That was it. That's all I had.

[Joe DeRosa]

I can't wait for the next bucket pole to get electrocuted because your horseshit magic trick didn't work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm telling you, the Obama joke is good, man.

[Cam Patterson]

That is terrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Cam Patterson]

It's just not good. It don't got no beast to it. It's not good. It's not good. We'll figure it out. It's all right.

[James McCann]

I think it was good.

[Cam Patterson]

It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's good. Trust me.

[Casey Rocket]

It's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good. Answer. The people love you.

[Cam Patterson]

I hate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam's getting in his head. This is what happens when you make it and you're selling out shows and it's continuous and you have to write a new minute every week. I mean, again, that is a job that none of your favorite comedians, none of them, none of them that you think in the world that are the best, none of them want to put out a new minute every single week on the Internet. None of them. Trust me, I promise. Ask them when you see them. Ask them why they don't do it just for free, just for you.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you put on a minute for me every week of stand up. They won't. They don't. Because it's scary as it's frightening, and you can't do it. They can't come up with one one minute. So imagine having to do it every week. Anyway, there he is. As you can tell by how hard he's sweating, it's not an easy job. And plus, you have typical making it black eye problems. Your entourage gets bigger every week. It's a real thing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Your hair keeps getting bigger and your sweatpants keep getting tighter.

[Cam Patterson]

Now, my sweatpants been the same size the whole time. Sweatpants ain't changed.

[James McCann]

I know.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm just trying to have fun.

[James McCann]

You do have the biggest entourage of anyone I've met in comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like four people.

[James McCann]

No, I was. I was at a gig at the Mothership a couple of weeks ago. And you had 57 people backstage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

You had enough fried chicken to feed a whole neighborhood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was for the whole club. I took it for the whole club.

[Cam Patterson]

Everybody ticket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but who ate it?

[James McCann]

I ate it. I was there. I was the only white guy in the green room hanging out and eating the fried chicken. I had a great time.

[Joe DeRosa]

We're not surprised you were eating the fried chicken, James.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. No, it's true. You have entourage problems. It's a normal thing.

[Cam Patterson]

How many you think?

[Uncle Laser]

What's.

[Cam Patterson]

What's too many?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it starts with four. You always come in with. With four, and then each one of them invites one, and each one of those people invites two. It's a thing you people don't know about. This we're going to let you know. See, this is what happened. That's what's cool about a show like this. You end up watching white artists and black artists have conversations about the culture.

[James McCann]

That's why I only roll with my day one nwords. Yeah, you got it.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. James is part of Shane's crew. Shane's crew never adds people or two takes them away. They stay strong.

[James McCann]

I was a weird addition because I just showed up at his house. I like the Obama thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That shit was terrible. We love the Obama thing.

[James McCann]

Still be the first black president who doesn't really disappoint black people.

[Cam Patterson]

That's not going. That's going to happen. I'm going to disappoint him.

[Joe DeRosa]

But Obama also is only half black, so you have a shot at being the first full black president.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Yeah. Oh, that was.

[Tim Hill]

Works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And when you and the cabinet accomplish, as you call it, your four friends,

[James McCann]

the cabinet's getting bigger all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That's your entourage, right?

[Andrew Dice Clay]

When you.

[Cam Patterson]

The president.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Type.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm a genius.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Which is good. It's true. Cam, what else is going on?

[Uncle Laser]

Same.

[Cam Patterson]

Running around, doing shows like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Hell, yeah. Everything's good. Everything great. All right.

[James McCann]

Cam met my dad. My dad was happier to meet Cam Patterson than anyone I've ever met. And he ran up and gave you a hug, and you were so Nice to my daddy.

[Cam Patterson]

He's cool people, man.

[James McCann]

And then my dad was like, all right, that's done. Where's Heidi? I want to meet Heidi as quickly as possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else? Cam, everybody loves you. I don't know what's going on tonight. You see him?

[Redband]

I'm good.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm happy.

[James McCann]

Cam. Cam, the only way to get this back is to find a better piece of paper and make that magic trick work properly. The people demand to see good magic.

[Ari Matin]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Cam, will you do it again with the beer? You can do it this time, Cam. I believe in you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you know what? Not only are we gonna do that. Can you bring the horse girl up here? We have a young lady named Sarah Sloan, who I made a promise to many months ago on the show. She can do the greatest horse impression you've ever heard. I didn't know when I was gonna use her or how I was gonna use her tonight, but I've decided she's gonna make her famous horse noise right now while Cam does the magic trick with a brand new fresh bottle of water and what appears to be. Yeah, some cardboard. We need to get you a paper before. Okay, yeah, you're good.

[James McCann]

And that's gonna fail again, you know? Can we use this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what is that? Just normal. Are those my papers?

[James McCann]

That's your. I just grabbed that from. Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that?

[James McCann]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you need? Cardboard? What is that? I've never even seen this trick before.

[James McCann]

Cam, you have to believe in yourself. That's the secret.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there's no way this is gonna work. Make the horse noise. And ladies and gentlemen, you're witnessing it. This is the absolute stupidest comedy show of all time. Make the horse horse noise one more time. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Let's do a replay of the water with one more horse noise. The horse noise. How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody? Everybody, One more replay. Watch the monitors while you do it. Sarah. Do a horse noise with the. When it drops. Here we go. And so dumb. Unbelievable. How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody?

[James McCann]

All of a sudden, we're doing 90s Conan. This is great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I can't believe. Believe we're going to win an Emmy for this episode, by the way, how about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Oh, she's mopping. Can you believe this? All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys want another bucket pool? All right. Oh, this is a very fun name. Make some noise for Daisy Hart, everybody. Daisy. Daisy Hart is next. Could be the first person to win a golden ticket in an arena could be the first regular maiden. Here she is anyway. Daisy Hart.

[Britney Ogada]

What the is up, Texas?

[Liz Splat]

Happy New Year's,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guys.

[Liz Splat]

I'm Daisy Hart. I've been here, and everyone's been calling me Daisy Heartless lately. I'm like, ah. I'm sorry, boys. You gotta be at least this tall to ride the ride. You guys, y', all, I'm from a sundown town. If y' all don't know what a sundown town is, they have a sign that says, if you're brown, turn around. I thought that meant, if you're brown, turn around. You know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hey, whatever, guys.

[Liz Splat]

Fuck y'.

[Joe Barnholtz]

All.

[Liz Splat]

Y' all could be jealous. I am new to comedy, though. I hear you gotta eat a lot of dicks to be good at comedy. So y' all can start calling me Little kamikaze.

[Britney Ogada]

It's hard to be this bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daisy. Welcome, Daisy. How long you been doing stand up?

[Liz Splat]

It's been almost nine months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine months? All of it here in Austin?

[Liz Splat]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My first time was with you, so on Kiltoni. Yeah. Okay. How's it been going?

[Liz Splat]

It's been going good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did it feel tonight?

[Liz Splat]

I mean, I was a little scared of this crowd. Heb is always heavy on the booing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think they were scared of you as well.

[Liz Splat]

I mean, they should be. I got a pretty big package, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Liz Splat]

You know, I carry a big dick on me usually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is he. What do you mean?

[Liz Splat]

I mean, it's this big.

[Britney Ogada]

This is big enough to put a

[Liz Splat]

lot of the guys in town to shame. So it's all good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Daisy, I'm gonna give you this little joke book. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Liz Splat]

I at least did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there she goes. Daisy Hart, everybody. This is a real show, people. There goes Daisy Hart. She's going to go vote for Kamala one more time. I'm going to save us all again. I can't help myself tonight. It's just highs and lows, baby. Highs and lows. I'm going to bring up an ice cold evil legend. A guy that I've been watching close shows forever. Whether it be the main room of the Comedy Store or the back of the Mothership. I'm sitting back there. Every set is different. I present to you the return of your favorite comedians. Favorite comedian, this is Brian Holtzman. You guys better get louder than that for the legend, Brian Oldsman.

[Redband]

I just cut Daisy down. She was trying to hang herself backstage. Somebody go check on that bitch. Ain't it great when women try to do men shit. Fuck raising a family, you know, being a member of the community. Stay in your lane, bitch. Learn how to cook. I'm not too happy with the panel. Trump is going to get this Australian, he's the first fucking immigrant that's going to get the fuck out of the country. Oh, did I hurt some of your feelings? Bob dylan. Playing all that silly love songs? I was in a toxic relationship. How long? 18 months. Why did it take you so long to figure out you were in a toxic relationship? Was it when he had his hands wrapped around your fucking throat? Guys know how to get rid of guys quick. We know when guys are dangerous. We get away from them real quick. What's wrong with you bitches? You can't sense danger. What was it when he pushed you out of that slow moving fucking car near the lake? When he spilt his beer in your face in front of your parents? Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Happy New Year. It's a brand new year. Tell all your friends. Tell all your people. You know, stop with the feelings. We don't give a fuck about your feelings. I hope everybody got what they wanted for Christmas and Kwanzaa and Hanukkah and isis. You want to decorate the tree or cut somebody's fucking head off? Yeah. Some are laughing, some can't. Cause you're fucked. I didn't do too well. I got those gift cards again. Give me the fucking cash. Give me the cash. What happens if I want to buy a cock ring? Am I going to find out a target? Give me that fucking cash. Here's a gift card. Why don't you just shit in my hand? Shit in my hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shit in my hand.

[Redband]

Give me the cash. What happens if I want to buy a fucking asshole extender?

[Andrew Dice Clay]

You know,

[Redband]

could you see me at Target trying to get an asshole expanded

[Jackson Bar]

and

[Redband]

well, it looks like a reversed egg beater and it has keys on it and you crank it and it makes your asshole larger. Do you have it? Oh, who's not laughing at that stupid ass. I got New Year's resolutions too. I'm not lifting up the fucking toilet seat when I it put pissed. I got a prostate problem. I'm not going up and down with the toilet seat. Turn around and see where that seat is. And if there's piss on it. Be a. Be a girl and wipe the urine off. If I hear, if I hear you need to lift a seat once more, I'm gonna rip the fucking seats out of the whole house. House. I told my mother I'M taking the toilet seats out of the house. It's going to be like the Philippines. No toilet seats. My new Year's resolution. I'm not putting my shopping cart away. You. You should be happy I'm shopping at this store. So all you people care about is putting shopping costs away. Fuck yourself.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

I put it away.

[Redband]

I put it right in the. Right in the intersection of the parking lot and wait for the woman to just drive up and say. And sit there. They want to send women to the moon. What are they going to do? Get up there and complain? It's too cold. It's too hot. Where are they going to find women to go to the moon? They're all busy playing fucking soccer. It's a brand new year.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's a.

[Redband]

It's a brand new start, a clean slate. Just be happy and not have any feelings. We don't give a About your feelings. Feelings go up and down. Feel. You know, feelings are like a fart. Once you fought, you don't miss that thought. Well, maybe I didn't explain that quite right. I'm not used to playing a whole town, But it's a new. It's a brand new year.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

It's.

[Redband]

It's. I'm. I'm optimistic about it. I'm very optimistic about it. I'm even more optimistic about remembering what I was going to say up here. Hey, shut your mouth. Throw them out. Throw that out. Kill Tony. Kill him. Kill him. You probably voted for that, Harris.

[Joe Barnholtz]

Yeah, I hope.

[Redband]

Trump, Trump, Trump. When he gets in office, he's going to kill everybody in, You know, what was his name? Grave digger.

[Jackson Bar]

The big.

[Redband]

The big guy. Yeah, yeah, I him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, Brian Holtzman, everybody. A legendary set. Make some noise for him, everybody. The great, the powerful Brian Holtzman is back. Let's go back to back chaos. You guys like back to back chaos. Let's do it. I present to you another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a man who needs no introduction at all, but I'm giving it to him anyway in the way of saying that this man will indeed be a citizen of the United States of America. This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matin.

[Redband]

Hey, hey,

[Cam Patterson]

Bam.

[Ari Matin]

Check this out, huh? You like this? I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks. Don't you guys. Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full? But he sees Hitler walking, he's like,

[Redband]

ah,

[Ari Matin]

I've always been flexible and when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get is, can you suck your own dick? Now, we've all tried every guy here. Even before you could read, you were

[Martin Phillips]

like infinite energy,

[Ari Matin]

a self sustaining unit. And I gotta tell you, I'm pretty close. I can't. I can, like, tongue the tip. Like, I can, like, clean myself off, you know, get some of that cheese. Oh, yeah, I've tasted my own calm you. It's delicious. I love when women are like, come as disgusting. You bitches do know that what you have down there ain't no creme brulee either. At least my shit has protein. And the future. Cum is disgusting. Is a pretty pretentious thing to say when I have a mouthful of piss, huh? I was telling my friend John that I'm pretty close, and my friend John literally looks me in the eyes and he goes, ari, that's because you're doing it wrong. The way you're supposed to do it is you go on your back and you throw your legs over your head. And now you let gravity blub, blub,

[Redband]

blub,

[Ari Matin]

like a fucking oil rig. And I was like, john, I'm not gonna do that because what if my fucking roommate walks in? At least with this, when he walks in, I get to be like, lol. Tried it, you know,

[Andrew Dice Clay]

but if you

[Ari Matin]

walk in, I. I'm full. Richard Simmons, getting physics involved, that's at least a conversation. Thank you very much. Thank you, hb,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matty. Very fun set. Very relatable. We've all absolutely been there. We've all tried many different ways to suck our own dicks. A little fun fact, you know, this show's gone a long time. I don't really ever go backwards. I'm not one to reminisce, but Redman did remind me of the time in which he insisted that he could suck his own dick.

[Andrew Dice Clay]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill Tony. Yeah, we did it on the show. I couldn't believe it, ladies and gentlemen.

[Ari Matin]

How close were you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, a fun fact is he took your second. Second approach. Oh, he took the. On the shoulders. It's a technique. I did it actually on stage. His hips. That was before I ate like pumpkins and stuff like that.

[Ari Matin]

But that's what I was wondering.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I used to be able to touch the tip of it. He wasn't even close, by the way. It was like 17 inches away. I used to be able to do it, but it was just like, oh, you think you could do it right now? How many. You think Red Pitch should try it right now?

[Redband]

How many do you think?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For this is the biggest moment. This has been the biggest year of his life.

[James McCann]

Two minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Madison Square Garden, the LA Forum, the YouTube Theater, Resorts World.

[Redband]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the undeniable co creator of the Joe Rogan Experience.

[Joe DeRosa]

I will show you how much fatter I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The co host Stuff. Kill Tony is about to go to the middle of the stage and suck his own dad. Oh, Anthony, get all the camera cameras ready for this. Oh, my God. Again? We're gonna need a yardstick to measure. He's cracking his back. He's doing some stretches that he's never done before. There is dust coming out of his loins right now. The man is made of. Oh, my God. Wait, you got to do better than that, Red. It wasn't even kind of. This isn't even.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're literally just laying on your back. That's all you're doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got the comedians cheering for him. Red, red, Red. Band. Suck your own cop. Come on. Sucking a. Suck your cop. It was a different me, man.

[James McCann]

What happened?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was unbelievable.

[James McCann]

Frankly, the best that could have gone for all of us, I think.

[Ari Matin]

Also, by the way, Brian's ass crack a lot cleaner than I expected.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's good at that. He smells better than you would think. And his ass is cleaner than you would think. Ari, how's it going?

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

Good.

[Ari Matin]

I got this T shirt. Check this out. Boom. Security unit. I stole it from Walmart. What are you gonna do, shoot me?

[Andrew Dice Clay]

See this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that?

[Ari Matin]

I mean, yeah. And the security. And the thing went off.

[Redband]

Beep, beep, beep.

[Ari Matin]

The security guy just looked at me

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, wow, what a pleasure to be

[Ari Matin]

white in this country, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing.

[Vic Shiv Dasani]

That's a cheap clip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that the only thing you stole?

[Ari Matin]

Yeah, I mean, it was actually. I was buying a PlayStation controller and it was way overpriced and in the website. And I make my own little math, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Ari Matin]

If you fuck me on the price, I'll get it back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Ari Matin]

I have my own little Robin Hood in my head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Little Estonian Robin Hood. Does Estonia have, like, I don't know, fucking like legendary stuff that they've made?

[Ari Matin]

What do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there like a Disney of Estonia? Is there like a great.

[Ari Matin]

I mean, we haven't had a lot of time. We were born in 1991. Ah, give us some time, Tony. I'm working on it. You son of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a. I mean, it's

[Joe DeRosa]

34 years at this point. You could have come up with something.

[Ari Matin]

What have you done?

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't have to do. I'm from the United States.

[James McCann]

You've got a cool flag.

[Ari Matin]

Oh, only the comedians, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the comedians are getting wild. They're starting to realize.

[Ari Matin]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, actually, maybe we are one of the more conservative podcasts.

[James McCann]

I know, Guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia. You could pick on a big cool country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many?

[James McCann]

Australia. We are a real country.

[Joe DeRosa]

If there was another big cool country aside from us, we'd pick on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

What's happening with those drones over New Jersey? Fucking China getting up in your face. You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down, but you just taking it like a. What are you doing in New Jersey?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

America. They were smart to pick New Jersey. That's a great point. If that was Texas, we never would have heard that news story.

[Redband]

Got him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would have been the first drone. All right, Ari, you did it again.

[Ari Matin]

Thank you so much, Tony. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian, let's go. We're doing the damn thing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you.

[Ari Matin]

Kill Tony.

[Tim Hill]

Family.

[Redband]

Bye.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This show's running long, so, I mean, I don't know, back to back to back chaos. There's only one thing we can really do at this point because believe it or not, that's as powerful as a comedy show gets. Three and a half hours of insanity. And now you've earned the final level. I present to you the hall of Famer with the most appearances. The hall of Famer with the most interviews. Whatever you do, you do not want to leave. There's fun stuff happening. As I present to you the Round Rock Robin, the H E B wasp. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. Lights out, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

My New Year's resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters.

[Redband]

Oh, hell no.

[William Montgomery]

That's my impression of what the United Health Care vice president said when they told him he was being promoted to CEO.

[Redband]

We don't give a fuck about that healthcare bullshit.

[William Montgomery]

Country singer Brad Paisley's wife had a damaged vocal cord that prevented her from speaking for two years. And I'm just trying to figure out

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

how lucky is that fucking guy.

[Redband]

Y' all know that bitch be talking.

[William Montgomery]

I feel like I've tried every drug and then someone brings up poppers the other day and I forgot about that one. Hey, Redband, what are those like again? It's like a gay drug. I'm insinuating Red band is gay. Okay, let's keep her moving. You look pretty gay on the fucking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

ground just a minute ago. Oh, holy Chad.

[William Montgomery]

You're way more flexible than I thought you would be. I just realized the animated cartoon Scooby Doo, where are you? Has a laugh track. Apparently, Scooby Doo was drawn in front of a live studio audience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my time, Tony. I couldn't have said it better myself. The red goat, the ginger giant. William Montgomery,

[Redband]

It's almost New Year's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we are living the American dream out here, William.

[William Montgomery]

And I think I would like to know, I did, did come here with four guns in my trunk tonight. I'm staying at the La Quinta Inn right down the street. If anybody wants to come, James is coming.

[James McCann]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You always go all out for all these big shows. You were dressed up real nice last night. There was an unbelievable outfit tonight. An unbelievable outfit. Is that the New Year's baby? This?

[William Montgomery]

I am the New Year's baby, Tony. I am actually going to. Last night I was talking about, look at all these people that don't like the New Year's baby. It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here, Boo

[Redband]

boo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like, what am I supposed to

[Redband]

fuck you do up here for some

[William Montgomery]

of these fucking people?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cody, last night you were an Asian woman in a kimono and a hat as we see up there. You look beautiful looking at yourself right now. We're Kwanda.

[William Montgomery]

My sash was falling, but yeah. Tony, it is so nice to be here. Looking forward to 2025. It's on this year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you looking forward to in 2025?

[William Montgomery]

Well, Tony, I'm actually quitting comedy. I'm kind of sick of it now. And I'm going to start working on a train, a locomotive. I'm literally, literally put in the paperwork a couple of days ago, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? What?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I'm gonna work at a locomotive. I don't know. A lot of people don't know this kind of behind the scenes stuff. Red Band has been really mean to me recently. I'm gonna work on a train, dude. I'm done with this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That means you're gonna quit stand up comedy.

[William Montgomery]

Wait, Tony, I was just kidding. I never get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's never going to stop. Stop. You know what I want to do? I want you to stay up here. I want to bring up all the regulars and all the golden ticket winners, if I can, that were on earlier. And I want to bring up one more person, one of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin. One of the big Reasons why I moved to Austin is cuz I already had friends here. Ron White, Joe Rogan had recently moved here. And one of my longest, longest friends, long term friends that I've had in Austin, huge comedy fan and one of the best musicians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring up Austin's own Gary Clark Jr. And let's get out of here with a rock song. Let's all sing it together. We're still an hour 15 away from midnight, so I figure we'll do a rock and roll song with the man himself. Get best of kill, Tony the Man. Make some noise for Martin Phillips, Liz Splat, Uncle Laser, Aaron Belial, Casey Rocket, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Brian Holtzman, Drew Nickens is here. Valerie Vaughn, Andrew Dice Clay, Sarah Sloan, Heidi is here. What a crew. Austin makes some noise.

[Redband]

Here come old black top he come grooving up slowly he got you, you up all we want Holy roller he got head now. Got to be a joker he just do what it pleases yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One and one and one yesterday he

[Redband]

got to be good

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

come together.

[David Lucas]

Sa.

[Redband]

Yeah, right now

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

over me yeah Last

[James McCann]

stop, last time, last time

[Redband]

right now. Make some noise with a great powerful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Happy new year, everybody. Appreciate you, homie. And in normal tradition, as we go on, we're going to show you the next arena that we're going to goes for sale here. Roll that video. Anthony, we love you. Thank you. Love you guys. That's right, April 5th, the largest arena in kil Tony history will be Nashville, Tennessee, baby. We'll see you guys there. Gary Collette Jr. Joe DeRosa, James McCann, William Montgomery. The drawings from Ryan J E Belt and Chris Rogers are in. Let's see him. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for gary clark jr john de marcus cake. Unbelievable. Drawings from Chris Roger to Ryan Je belt. The next show said Nashville goes on sale January 3rd, I think at 9:00am Nashville, Austin time. You guys going to party tonight? Welcome to Austin, Texas, the greatest city in the world. In the greatest country on planet Earth. Usa. Usa. Y Christy Notorious productions. Anthony, Brian, T.J. everybody. Austin, Texas. We love you guys so much. Thank you. God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night.

[Redband]

It's.