Brian Redban (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for death squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of kill Tony three. Oh. Oh, my. Welcome to K. Oh, my God. 50 clean baby crazy. My grandma hates you. She doesn't mean it. Yeah, the fuck she does. Is that fucking Tony Hawk? Drew Nicketts. Drew Nicketts. What the fuck? Drew Nicketts. Oh, my God. Would you like to be on the secret show Thursday? All right, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world, Toni Hinchcliffe. Let's go, Toni. She doesn't eat pussy. She. Oh, hell. Gnaws on it. Earthquakes on his feet. I'm killing. Oh, my God. You. Tony. The roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history. Holy ever. Coming to you live from the Kia forum here in Los Angeles. Coming to you live from the YouTube theater. I'm not built for this. I'll admit it. You got to be mean when they suck. Well, autism runs in my family. It's sprinting in your family. Oh, my God. Let's see that. I used to get high with the night stalker. This is Joe Biden, the real president of the universe. United States is here. Who just shit my pants. It holds a YouTube record for retention rate 2.5 billion minutes. Watch. You Americans are really quite deranged. We are. Is it possible to eat it with our butt? We fucking did it. Comedy history. There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago. Yeah. What the is going on? D. Madness is laughing at me. I mean, wow. You look stunning tonight, William. Coconut. Coconut pie. Please welcome to the stage comedian, roaster, and host of the Kill Tony podcast, Tony Hinchcliffe. I don't know if you guys know this, but there's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. I think it's called Puerto Rico. Who is that? Jack Watt. Who is that guy? Actually, I think that's Tommy Hinchcliffe, which is super disappointing. A so called comedian made a number of racist comments. Tony Hinchcliff. Tony Hinchcliff. This is about human rights, civil rights, and this is about my people. Tony Hinchcliff. Go yourself. I apologize to absolutely nobody. Chubb loses. And it is Tony's fault. And because of that, World War III does. The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters. How do you like my garbage truck? You won't hear from the vice president tonight. Donald Trump has won the presidency. Among the key factors in his win, support from Latino voters. He expanded his support among Latino voters. 55% of Latino men back Trump nationwide. He's back. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the Heb center in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill. Tony. Get up for Tony It. Who's ready for the best night of your lives, huh? Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everybody? The best damn band in the land. Jamming extra hard, extra long, arena style for you. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Make some noise for him. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Nachos Belgrande. Chicken enchilada. That's big Mike. Michael Gonzalez on the drums joining us tonight, truly one of the biggest stars in all of music. I think he's going to be recognized as one of the truly the biggest stars in the world. That's Marcus King. He joins us every New Year's here in Austin. We got the rest of the usual band. The great and powerful Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. Indeed the leader of it all, John Dees on the and no doubt about it, let him hear you. It's D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, my God. Unbelievably exciting stuff in store tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Tokovas. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with Tokovas to Covis crafts quality western boots for everyone from generational ranchers and lifelong cowboys to first time boot buyers. Born in Texas in 2015 to Kovis makes it easy for anyone to find their perfect boot. Every one of To Cova's boots are handcrafted with over 200 meticulous steps for broken in comfort right out of the box. Whether it's a long day or a big night, your Tokovas are built to last and impressed right now. Get 10% off@tokovas.com kiltoniy when you sign up for emails and texts. That's 10 off at T E C O V A S.com kill Tony to covis.com kill Tony. See site for details To Cova's Point your toes west. Good day y'all. 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Celebrating 50 years of SNL music streaming now only on Peacock. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know what's great about this show is sometimes it's the fucking biggest fucking comedians in the world. Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that. Last night we had both of the guests of the year. The newest one, Harlan Williams, last year's winner, Adam Ray. Part of the problem with this show is we make these guys so goddamn famous that everybody has gigs on New Year's Eve nowadays and a lot of people are sick right now. I don't know what kind of lab Leaks. They're planning for this inauguration. But the best part of this show is that I believe that we truly have a reputation for putting people on panel that are the future. Before they even get as big as they're going to get, they are here always. And then you watch them become superstars internationally and everywhere. Streaming and this and that. And this is the type of booking that I chose for tonight. I said, let's fucking go renegade style. Our last show of the year in Austin, Texas. I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year. So I'd like you to get as loud as you can for tonight's guests. Two of the funniest comedians in the world. First, I'm gonna bring up who I truly think is the rookie guest of the year. He made his first appearance this year. Makes some noise for him. Austin resident, you know him from the Shane Gillis crew. This is James McCann, everybody. Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah. On panel on New Year's Eve in a fucking arena. Once a Australian swordsmith, now living his dreams. Yeah. Welcome, James. I'm gonna jump right into it. Yes. Thank you for having me. And your other guest tonight, he was with us at Madison Square Garden. Truly a brother who I have fucking, you know, just done everything with over the past 18 years. I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel. One of the funniest humans in the world. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Joe derosa, everybody. Hell, yes. We are having fun here tonight. A veteran of the show, multiple time guest, very funny man. Him and I make fun of each other a lot. We go back and forth. Two of my favorite drinking buddies, we. We do. And I want to thank you for letting everybody know we were your absolute last choice. Yes. Shane is sick. RFK Jr. Even has Covid. You can't make it up. The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Jr somehow has Covid. My favorite part was hearing the 10 people that cared when you were like, sometimes they're not famous. They were like, yeah, I guess. What the fuck? Look, we're gonna have a hilarious episode. I have so many surprises wired in. You guys are two of the funny. Who needs fame when you got funny? Look, I'm thrilled. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you. I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness. This is True. But I did. I wanted to say this. This is exactly my one year anniversary of being in America. I flew like 30 hours last year. I sat backstage. Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there. This is the first place I went, and I've gone from watching the show. It's an honor to be here, and I want to thank all the Kiltonee people up here and out there who have made it happen. This is the most beautiful thing. Two of the funniest, and it's true. James McCann was of the only comedians to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally, when Johnny Knoxville and Donnell Rawlings ran for the Hills and said, they can't do it. No, they're great. You can't blame them. Those guys expect to make more movies in the future. Nobody knew which direction the election was going at that time. I don't blame them. I would have canceled on them, too. Can I tell the quick story of when we were hanging out at the Mothership? We were drinking right after the Trump thing happened. Yeah. A couple days after. Yeah. And we're sitting next to each other and we're just. It's quiet in the bar. And I go, tony, are you good? Are you handling all this okay right now? The backlash, whatever. And he goes, yeah, dude, I'm good. And I go, seriously, buddy, we're friends. Are you good? And he goes, yeah, I'm good, dude. And I go, you don't have to be tough with me right now. We're friends. Are you good? And he goes, what, are you gay? He wouldn't stop. These fucking New Yorkers over here. Are you sure you're okay? The news says you're not okay. MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now. I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette. Shut the fuck up. I'm fine. But we're having fun tonight. Truly. Two of my favorite humans. We're gonna have a blast, I promise you. I'm gonna pre pool a name. You guys know how this show works. Yeah. The bucket is what makes it. We could find the next star here. Anything can happen. You know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Or else they. They have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry. Wait a second, wait a second. It. It's the Undertaker. Austin's own the Undertaker. Mark Calloway. The Six Feet under podcast, which I've done, make some Goddamn noise. For the great, the powerful. What a surreal moment this is. You comedians better stick to your fucking time tonight. I'm warning you right now. I'm fucking itching to take somebody's head off. I love it. I haven't seen you since Wrestlemania. You're the fucking man. This is a childhood dream for those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows the Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the Bucket of Destiny for as long as we can remember. So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size, real, actual Undertaker here. I don't know if I'm gonna fit on the bucket, but stick me in it, Motherfuck it. I don't know. Hey, before, I just want to say this. Yeah. Austin is already the music capital of the world, the food capital of the world. And you, my friend, are making it the Comedy Central of the world. Tony Hinsmith, don't sell that man short right there. Thank you so much. It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight. Super surreal fucking moment, I think for everybody. I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face when you came out. There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s. 60s. I love it. We. We shocked the world with this one. 60 seconds, right? That's all they get. That's all they get. Or else I'm pretty sure you throw them back to where they came from. Up right. Here we go. Make some noise for the Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen. Keeping everybody in line tonight. You can't make this up. God damn it. Look how cool this is. You got a NER boner, don't you? I'm telling you, I have to host a show while living my own. Make a wish. This is incredible. God damn, what a cool show this is. Who came up with this idea? We're gonna have some goddamn fun tonight. Let's get it started. While they wrangle that first bucket pool. I figure we'll get it started with a bang. I'm just gonna say it. I always give this guy a huge intro. I always say, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. I'm gonna say it right here, right now for the first time. This is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute getting us started tonight with a fucking bang. Make some noise for Martin Phillips. Yes, Here he is live in the flesh with an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Martin Phillips, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, man. I heard there was a Kid Rock sex tape, so it was interesting. I was gonna look it up, but after I wrote the Firstborn Kid, I was like, I'm out. No, I'm not. This is a trap set up. Anyway, some guys say they have gaydar and it's like, yeah, I have boners too. You know, we're all aware that my voice is similar to RFK junior's but, you know. But now that he's gonna be head of the health department, we're all gonna start sounding like this. So. Welcome to hell. Martin Phillips with exactly one minute. Oh, yeah, man. Like a fucking surgeon. As always, Joe DeRosa. I was hoping he'd go over, cuz I wanted to see the undertaker slam him and watch his body straighten out. I am terrified of that. Yeah, I also I like with the wrestling theme. You've dressed as the rock from that 90s photo shoot. Yeah, dude, it is incredible. That turtleneck goes great with your turtle legs. Turtle body, Hell yeah. Is there a medallion on that necklace? There might be something in the back. I think it's behind you. You're rocking it behind you. So I bought this today because I heard with the turtleneck you need a chain. So this is $3 from Walmart in the girls section, so. Fuck yes. But yeah, I just went with it. So. That is some Rockstar shit. Yeah, you were already at Walmart. Cause you're the greeter there, right? Yeah, yeah. Hey, good benefits. Good benefits. I love it. Martin, how's life been going? How are holidays and whatnot? It was good. Good news. I hooked up with. What are you gonna do Right there, right? That's all right. He's trying to mock me. I hooked up with a Puerto Rican woman. So I'm doing my best to repair the relationship between the show. That's right. I think you may have accidentally kicked a power cord when you were on your way out. Their power's out today, Puerto Rico. But yeah, I'm willing to have sex with as many women for as good as the show. I love it. Was it a Puerto Rican woman or was it a dumpster that you fucked? Oh, it was a woman. You'd be very good in the next west side Story, I think. Did you notice anything different about a Puerto Rican woman than, you know, say, another good question. All right. Right. Band, very good. I'm sure there's a sound effect you could have hit instead of. Yeah. Come on. Did you guys to shake that was there. Shake Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Okay. Was there music playing? No. Was it at your place? Her place? Oh, I was. I was crashing at a friend's house, so I did the courteous thing and went to her place. Okay. Yeah. All right. And this was on her bed in her bedroom? Yeah, yeah. Was it your first time hanging out with her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long did you guys hang out before getting wet and wild and we hung out after and that's right. Absolutely. Does she have a few drinks in her? Who was walking the straightest by the end of this day? No. Nobody. Nobody drove. Nobody drove, so absolutely. Okay. I love it. Martin, what else is going on? Anything else crazy that was the craziest lately. I love it. It was pretty cool. I love it. So there's actually good news, bad news to it. So bad news because I take an antidepressant for anxiety. You know, it's hard. It's hard to be hard, you know? You know? Oh, shit. But that and getting out. Here's the good news. When I was able to do it, guess what? Too big. Whoa. Really? Oh, my God. This guy went from soft to too big. What can I do? I love that you're saying the antidepressant was the hardest part about you two. She's lying. She wasn't Puerto Rican then. Okay. Okay, again, red band. Stick with the buttons over there. Jesus Christ. Red. Ben's comparing every Puerto Rican woman to the hookers that he's been with. How much did she charge you before she left? I love it. Well, Martin, you absolutely crushed. Way to get it started right from the top. Absolutely. 100% great sets. The guy bats a thousand. He's basically the fucking Bill Goldberg of the show. He plays like a champion. He might not walk like one, but he plays like one. Oh, I know what that sound is. That's the lovely Heidi, everybody. The real deal. Oh, my God. I see the Latino guy in the white hoodie crying another tear like he did when the undertaker came out. Amazing. Unbelievable. And how about a hand for the great Valerie Vaughn, everybody? She joins us at all the arenas. Two legends. Okay, this looks like a very fun name to begin the bucket pole portion of the show. Again, we don't know these people. Anything can happen. Obviously, you guys know how this works. Could be a crazy person. I will say that in these arenas, there's a crazy ratio of people that absolutely eat on stage in an arena. It happens a lot. A lot of people sign up randomly. They've only done it a few times. But who knows? Tonight might be the night that that trend changes and we find stars. You guys ready? Your first comedian, your first bucket pool of the night. Goes by the name of. What the Hector. What the Hector. What up? I freaking love wrestling so much. How about you guys? I love wrestling so much. My parents thought I was gonna be gay growing up. Posters of naked dudes all over my freaking Raw, you know, Freaking Undertaker, Stone Cold all teabagging me above my bed. Like, when are you gonna get a poster of a woman, son? So I got a poster. That one wrestler. Y'all remember China? Hell yeah. Like you. You like that, Dad? I guess it'll do, son. You gotta support your artist, guys. Not very many people know China did porno. She had the most muscular flashlight on the market. Get your penis in a choke coat, extra large clitoris. You got a freaking finger wrestler to turn her on. And sometimes she don't want to turn on. My favorite, though, was wrestling on the trampoline with my little brother. And my favorite was the Undertaker, because I'm dead inside, too. Choke slamming. My little brother and I would do the tombstone. Y'all remember, the tombstone is pretty much a tombstone. 69 standing up. But we're on the trampoline. I'm all, hell, yeah. Wrestling's badass. Dad comes out like, what the hell's going on? Finish him. The neighbors are watching. Thank you. Oh, boy, that was close. Is that what you were gonna talk about? Yeah, I was. That was going to be your set no matter what happened tonight. No matter what. And then he came out. I was like, holy. That's. That's pretty crazy. Like, should I run the bell, like two seconds and have him come out again? No. Yeah. If you kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it. Yeah. You were close to your wildest dreams coming true there. What the. Hector. I saw him backstage. He's tall as hell. I didn't know he was that big, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those guys are big. And you're Mexican. Yeah. Welcome to reality. And I'm wearing boots. I had a little extra, like 2, 3 inches extra on me, you know? Oh, you are wearing. Look at those little tiny boots, those size quattros. I. I'd like to commend you because a lot of comics stray from current events, but you did the very relevant China material this year. China. Yeah. Red band. You got red band over here, mumbling in my left ear. She has really big labias. China had really big labias. You know that China had big labias. I'm like, red band. We are doing A show in an arena. You're talking about the woman's who we mentioned for a second. The unprofessional shit I have to deal with. Hector, how long you been doing stand up? About nine, ten years going now. Wow. Nine or ten years. Where at? Mostly in Phoenix. I'm from right here. I'm in west. I'm from West Texas, though. Pecos Texas? Yeah. Wow. Big pop for Pecos. Okay, what's Pecos like? Describe it to us. We just had a big train wreck last week. I don't know if y'all saw the Union Pacific hit a big old truck and like all the train derailed. Wow. Like stranger things. I sit next to a train wreck every week on this show. What do you do for work? I help my dad out doing a tire repair and tow truck. Okay. You are indeed Mexican. Yeah. That confirms smelling like rubbers. Hell yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen out there? Repairing cars on the side of the road in Pecos? Recently just happened, man. I live in my RV and I moved it back to Pecos where I work with my dad. I parked it in the back of the shop. Working from home. Me. No and no. What do you mean? James McCann with his iconic. No, we don't know what you mean. I left it unlocked, man. Cuz I had some cats in there watching out from case rats get in there and. Wait, stop, slow down. James McCan is correct. First of all, I stole two cats. All right? Okay, wait. Getting way out of control. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is the most Latino I've ever heard in my life. You stole cats to watch for rats in the rv? Because I'm not there a lot, you know, so. And you pulled your RV to the house that you live in now? I park it at the shop that I work at. Huh. So I'm working from home, you know, just get up out of here. You're homing from work. Change tires. Yeah. So you. No. And I didn't get to tell you. So we came home and I was gonna check on them before we left, and I found a bald headed white lady in there all drugged out naked. She had tore up the whole place and drawn all over the walls. It's like, what the hell is going on here? I don't want to call the cops because we're late to a show and. But I had to, man. I had to do it. It looked weird. I'm lucky that one of my friends was at me, she's girl. Because it would have looked weird. That, you know, just some weird random girls. She wouldn't talk or nothing. I don't. Trying to find her if, you know, if you're out there listening. Wow, look at the world we're living in. Mexico. Mexicans calling the police on white women. This is. This is Biden's America. 2025. No, 2025 is going to be different, buddy. You got 20 more days exactly before your tire shop is in Pecos, Mexico. No, I'm kidding. Is your dad a legal citizen? Yeah, he's legal. Is he really? He's really. He did all the paperwork. Yeah. What does the paperwork look like? No, he talks really good English too. He's one of those code talk. He could change his voice, like to a white guy. He could change it to a Mexican dude. Okay. I haven't heard his black voice though. I'm pretty sure he has one. Wow. Can you do a black voice? I can't. I could try. Yeah, try. I like it when people can't and then they try. No, I'm talking about. What the. Wow. I just found out there's no black people in Pecos, Texas. Everyone, that's your black impression. Know what I'm talking about. Hey, I'm a black guy. It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy. I'm a black man. I am. I do believe. What do you do for fun, Hector? For fun? Let's see. I smoke a lot of reefer. Where y'all at? And then forget everything else I was gonna do. Right. What's your love life like? You out there burning rubber? Yeah. Burning rubbers. Because of the tires? Yep. How hard is it to convince a woman to come back to the rat infested rv? Yeah, it's pretty, pretty hard, man. That's why I was mad she was in there. I was like, well, you're getting pussy in here and I ain't get. Because it smelled like pussy. I was like, you're in there. Either she was getting ran through or she was running a brothel out of my place. I was like, who's getting more pussy in here than I am? What the fuck? Wait, you're saying that your RV smelled like bad pussy when I. When she was in there, that crazy bald headed white bitch from. From Stranger Things. The train crashed and all of a sudden she appeared 11. This is. You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things with. In the. He. A bald white. I was like, damn, they shave your head? What's wrong with you? This is Also, the second time he's referenced a thing on Stranger Things that I don't think happened on Stranger Things. Like remember the train crashing on Stranger Things? No. One of them shows you remember when you choke out a child in an RV like on Stranger Things. No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy. Are you a nice guy? Hector, you ever been in trouble with the law? Yeah, you know, for the weed. Texas being illegal and all. You get in trouble for weed a lot? Yeah. All right. Reefer. Oh, they're booing the laws of their state. Well, Hector, congratulations. Have you ever signed up for the show before? My first time was at Skankfest very recently. I got on there over there first bucket pool there too. Oh, you were on there. Okay. Well, congratulations. It was good to see you. What size joke book did you get there? They ran out of joke books, so I was like, man, did I do good or bad? I didn't even know and shit. Well, you know what, buddy? I'm gonna give you a medium sized one here tonight. Oh, you didn't catch it? Wow. Unbelievable. There he goes. What the. Hector, everybody. Thank you. I don't know if you guys noticed this, but the Mexican get special music from the Mexican portion of the band when they get played off. A little Fun fact, if you haven't noticed. Hello everyone. This podcast is sponsored by via. Guys, hosting the number one live podcast is tough. And that means I gotta take my self care seriously. Let's be real. 2025 has been all about change. Whether it's work, personal stuff or just the daily grind, it can be hard to keep up. But here's the deal. When things get hectic, we don't have to go through it alone. Embrace the power of nature and elevate your every day with via. Trusted by over a half a million happy customers. VIA is the Swiss army knife of wellness. Dedicated to harnessing the natural benefits of hemp to create high quality wellness products. Whether you're looking to improve your sleep, focus recovery, add a little pep to your step, or just get high, VIA has something for you. 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It's also easy to use, just fire up the app and click one button to get protected. Not to mention it works on all devices, phones, laptops, tablets and more. So you can stay private on the go. I personally use ExpressVPN when we travel so I can stay private. Know that all my data is safe and sound. It's personally important to me to not have my data hacked by some Hugh Jackman in the movie Swordfish type of guy. Protect your online privacy today by visiting expressvpn.comkiltoni that's E x p r e s s vpn.comkilton and you can get an extra four months free. Expressvpn.com kill Tony we're gonna get another special treat up here. This is a a young lady who you've seen before on this show. She works at the Comedy Mothership. She's been out on the road with me and a bunch of the great comedians. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. We were all drinking a couple weeks ago and it Just. Just came up that her family was coming into town tonight. Her parents are here, and I love this young lady. I truly think she is one of the future, top, best comedians in the world. Let's see what she does tonight. This is a brand new minute from Liz Splat, everyone. Liz Splat. We love Liz. Make some noise for Liz, everybody. Guys, this year makes 10 years that I've been a cancer survivor. I had cancer when I was 19, which is tough because you're too young to really understand what's going on. And then you're too old to meet John Cena, you know? Cause at 19, you're like, make a wish. More like, make me squirt. John, what the fuck? Hey, John, My pussy's bald, too, you know. John Cena and squirting. John Cena and squirting. Thank you. It's tricky to make a cancer joke, you know, Cancer's a really tricky topic. One time this comic told me that it's important to talk about the tricky topics. He said that he learned that because he used to talk a lot about how he used to fuck a lot of prostitutes. And I was like, I don't know if we're talking about the same thing, but once I thought about it, it made sense. Because probably the only thing more traumatic than childhood cancer is being a prostitute a comedian can afford. Am I right? All right, thank you. Thank you guys so much. What a dream. Splat, everybody. Tony, how fun. Liz, how fun. How's it going? It's going. I mean, how's it going? It's going. Dreams are coming true right now. What the fuck? It's amazing. Baby's first arena. It is indeed. Baby's first arena. Hi. Hi, Joe. How are you? Hi, James. Hello. Congrats on beating cancer. Thank you so much, Joe. You've clearly beaten it, because usually people with cancer are thin and. Yeah, she beat the shit out of it. Defeated it. Yeah. I basically ate that cancer up. Let me put it like that. Put it in a bowl, put some whipped cream on that. Cancer got right into it. That's what I did. Hell, yeah. What kind of cancer was it? I had Hodgkin's lymphoma. It's a blood cancer. You know what I'm saying? Party time. I love it. Yeah. How long did it take you to beat it? I was going through chemo for, like, six months. Where my chemo kids at? Okay. They're all dead right now. They're all dead. Okay, I see one solitary wave from a lacking. Okay, great. Another big girl. That's awesome. I love to see it. Hell, yeah. It's great. Must have been tick cancer. And it's good to see you've graduated to Haagen Dazs lymphoma. From Hodgkin's to Haagen Dazs, Joe. You son of a bitch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm nervous. I'm sorry. You son of a bitch. You trying to. I can tell, dude. Guys in life love trans women, always want to. Me, it's crazy. Joe, get those little plaid pants over here. What the. Pull a dick out of those pants and you got a deal. Joe, if you saw my clit, you wouldn't question it. Okay? China. Is that true? You have a china like clit? A china like clit? What does that. Is it big? Is that what you're implying? I think my clit. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably like, you know, half a thumb. Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah. What? That's basically. Sorry. I put my heart on my sleeve out here for you people. That's basically half a little dick. So I'm half interested now. Cause I'm gay. Whoa, whoa. Who would have saw that coming? Half. Yeah. Coming on your face. Am I right? Liz, what else is going on? What? Family members made it out. You're from Texas? Born and raised. Dallas. Bread. Bam, bam, bam. 214 till I die. And when I say bread, I mean B, R, E, A, D. What's up? Yeah, my mom and my dad are here. Yo mama, yo papa, where you at? I can't. I can't bring my dad up here. He keeps saying he's going to say racist stuff about Puerto Ricans. Is that your mom on the Jumbotron? That lady with her hands up? Oh, yeah, it's my mom. Oh. Oh, wow. She just gave the screen cancer. That's incredible. It runs in the family, but clearly you don't. Yeah, not a lot. It runs. Damn. Got it. I was gonna do it. Then you did it. Gotcha. You're on the big stage. Big stage now. Tony, you did it. Well, Liz, congratulations. That was an amazing performance. You did it. You're living your dreams in your hometown. Dream come true. Austin. I'm gonna do mushrooms. Hell, yeah. That's a move. Back to the bucket we go. We're gonna keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Jackson Bar. Bucket pool number two. Jackson Bar. Here's Jackson Bar. Oh, this is gonna be awesome. No matter what. Make some noise for Jackson Bar, everybody. How you doing, Tony? Happy New Year, KT Nation. I feel sorry for anybody that's not in this arena tonight. Kill Tony been on what, 12, 12 years? 700 episodes? You guys have been through more comedians than cocaine, antidepressants, and Viagra. I'm a little freaked out. I'm gonna be 49. 49 years old in a couple of months. But let me tell you, I've learned a few things. Number one, ramen noodles. Everybody knows ramen noodles. They taste better when you eat them because you want to, right? Number two, you see two people kissing in public with wedding rings, they're married to other people. And number three, if it feels like more than three fingers, you need a different psychiatrist you can count on. These are words that may save your life one of these days. Thank you. Holy shit. Jackson Barr. I loved it from the second I saw you. I am so used to our bucket pools wearing juvenile T shirts. This guy came up dressed to the fucking whatevers that is. I knew we had the undertaker. I didn't realize we booked Paul Bearer as well. James McCann, brother. What's it like owning the Dallas Cowboys? Because that must be. This would have been the 1990s. Dallas Cowboy owner, and it was really good back then. Yeah. It's only been 30 years. He's got a head in the oven now. You look terrific. It was either Dallas Cowboys over or, you know, a good place to buy a secondhand car. I feel like I've seen you in Waco on the community television. That's it. The billion dollar question. What do you do for work, Jackson? Pretty much whatever pays. I mean, I've been an entrepreneur for 30 years with startups, you know, and politics for a while. You're successful, huh? My kids are grown and out of college and out of the house. Look at you, just on a big, naughty comedy show out here talking right now. I'm trying to figure out what I am going to be since I am about to be 49. Joe DeRosa. 49. You're doing something really wrong. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. I was like, this guy's given a stab at comedy at 60, 63. This is insane. Red Band is older than Jackson, by the way. Sweet Red band here at 50 years old, you can't make it up. It's a hard 49, Tony. Listen, I married my high school sweetheart. We were together 24 years. She passed away five years ago. Oh, my God. What happened? How did she pass away? Brain tumor. Oh, my. Yeah, right. Good God. The point is, we're all very sorry that happened. The point is, you know, after that happened, I May or may not have lost my for a couple of years. Yeah. So It's a hard 40. 48. Yeah. Okay. And you were an entrepreneur. Was. Yeah. You don't have any because this is Tony's doing. Well, this is sold out. You could Shark Tank right now, right? If you got a business idea. Yeah. Do you have any business ideas? Let's play a little game of Shark Tank for the first time in a long time. This is a very special segment that we are going to do. Ladies and gentlemen, with Jackson Bar. This is the first ever episode of Shark Tank. That's the Shark Tank theme song. Jesus. So basic. Okay, here he is. Pitch us an idea, Jackson Barr. All right, let's see. Oh, I know a dating app for rich people. You know, because since I've been out in the dating world. Right. Yeah. I found out you actually don't even need a profile anymore. You might as well just put your credit card number in your PIN and your Social Security. So it just saves time. Hell yeah. They go straight to the money and then you don't have to worry about it. Right. I bet you have a like Martin Phillips. That's my guess. I bet it's mostly soft and then when it gets hard, it's too big to. Too big. Yeah. Too big to fail. Absolutely. You said you were in politics for a while. What, what were some of your platforms? Well, I started off at local office and then I went to state office here in the great state of Texas. Yeah, what city? So I started out outside of Fort Hood, Texas. Known as the great place. Right. Coryell County, Gatesville, Texas. It's eight square miles out in the middle of nowhere. There's not a Starbucks for 30 miles around us. Sounds beautiful. Sounds like the Republican president of all the chairmen in the state represented Senate District 24. And now since I'm starting the second half my life life, I'm running from office. Huh. Okay. So have you been on. You said that you want to make a dating app. Have you been on a lot of dates since your wife passed away? You know what? I went on a couple. Have you kid, have you kissed a girl since your wife passed away? Yeah, I mean it's been. Okay, well, you blew that one. Yeah, you were close. There, I said it. Yeah. You up right now your wife is looking up from hell, laughing at you. It's not true. She's in heaven since. Since you like Shark Tank. I got a math question for you. If Jack is single for about a year and then gets engaged to a 30 year old while he's a millionaire. And that goes on about two and a half years and then we break up. How much money does Jack have left over? All of the money. Actually. I was gonna hit you up for some gas money so I can get home tonight. You are talking to the wrong panelist, you silly goose. Jackson, you seem like you've got it together. You seem like a grown man. Tell us something weird about you. What are you. What type of child porn are you into exactly? Did you kill JonBenet Ramsey? Oh, no. Exactly. But if you were into something along. What would it be like when you're with. When you're with a hooker? Well, you know, it's hard to find the right rubber tubing and lime and shovel at 2 in the morning and all that kind of good stuff. I mean, you know, that's always fun. You always got to learn for yourself. Aspirin will not bring back a dead hooker. You really don't want to run for office again. You're finished with local politics. Yeah. You got a final nail and a hammer. There is work to be done in politics in the state of Texas. Hey baby, I figured it out. I'm working behind the scenes. Well, if you can help pass a law so you're allowed to carry more than two beers away from a bar. That's fucking insane. This isn't Hawaii. We ain't got to worry about that. This is Texas. We give you two jugs of beer and say come back and get the other place for. I like your style. I like your style, Jackson. I do. It's. It's weird but I. I like having different, I always say different shapes and sizes and types of people. I'm sure there are about 250 more hectors that signed up tonight. And I was lucky enough to magically pull out a. A 70 year old white guy that swears he's 49. I think it's fun to have different types up here. I mean, look at this guy. It's wild. I think you're actually rich because only a rich man would give this lease of a shit about his appearance. Yeah, no, you are. You have super rich guy vibes, Jackson. How much exactly are you worth? Was. I'm not kidding. After a failed. How much did you give away in the divorce? Just tell us. Just you know, burn through. I don't know. 1.5? Not huge. 1.5? Yeah. That's a lot. Four years. So that's more than Hector and his father will make their entire lifetime. That's a huge amount. Well, Jackson, thank you very much. Fun times. Congratulations. You as well are leaving here with a cool little medium joke. Oh my goodness. We're over two on the catches tonight. Jackson. Thank you so much. There goes Jackson Barr. Oh la la. You know, Jackson's from Texas. He's from the middle of nowhere. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by To Covis. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with To Covis. To Covis crafts quality western boots for everyone from generational ranchers and lifelong cowboys to first time boot buyers. Born in Texas in 2015, to Covis makes it easy for anyone to find their purpose perfect boot. Every one of to boots are handcrafted with over 200 meticulous steps for broken in comfort right out of the box. Whether it's a long day or a big night, your To Covis are built to last and impress. That's why Esquire loves them and says there's a reason we keep coming back to To Covis. And speaking of Esquire and men, that should be on the COVID of the next issue, here's Reggie. Tony I love to COVAs. Being in Austin, you see a lot of boots and to COVAs are by far the best. They are just so, so dang comfortable. I wear them when I'm out out in the town, at the grocery store, you name it. They make me feel great. When I put them on, I feel like the freaking Marlboro Man. Tony wow, you smell like them too. Ever wondered if you could pull off the boots with your personal style? You owe it to your feet to pull on a put on a pair of Tokovas. Plus with Tokova's Best in the west guarantee you get free returns and exchanges for 30 days. Right now, get 10 off@tecopus.com Kill Tony when you sign up for emails and texts, that's 10 off at t c o v a s.com kill Tony to covis.comkiltoni c site for details. To Cova's point your toes West. Good day y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Nile Guys. Life poses many questions, but your relationship asks the big question. Are you thinking of popping the big question? 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Said, got a plane ticket with your name on it. You come down to Tallahassee, Florida, blow my back out and rearrange my guts. I said, happy Easter to you too. How you doing today? He has risen, you know, right? She said, but before I can get you that plane tick, I'm going to see a picture of that hog. Fun fact, I ain't got no hog. I got what they called field mouse dick. You ever been hit by a sewing machine needle? You know, look, here's the thing about sending wiener pics. Don't do it, okay? All right, listen, look, I love my wiener. I put it everywhere. Hot tub jets, electrical sockets, okay? I once took a shop vac and sucked all the foreskin off of it. You know, I haven't been to a water park since. She said, look, I ain't gonna be able to get you that plane ticket no more, but I get you a Greyhound bus ticket. And I said, listen here, bitch. My mama raised me on that Reba McIntyre and I might have been born just A plain white trash, but Fancy was my motherfucking name. I ain't getting on no goddamn Greyhound bus. You hear me, bitch? So a couple days later, we worked something out where if my mom would drop me off, her mom would bring me back, you know. Uncle Laser, everybody. Uncle. Uncle, Uncle. Look at you. Howdy. How's it going? What. What is that animal around your neck? Oh, this? Yeah. Yeah. This here is Stephen. He was. He's a euthanized husky. He was my neighbor's dog. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. He was just gonna throw the motherfucker out. And I said, hold on now, old son. We're resourceful people, you know? And so I like, you know, did all this, and I gave. I went to his front door and tried to give it to him as a gift. And he answered the door and he goes, why'd you unbury my dog? I was like, so you're telling me you don't want it? It. Come on, now. How about that? I can't believe I fell right into one trap. You did step right into it. That's the second husky we've had on stage. Liz Splat was here earlier. Oh, how's your New Year's, Tony? We're having fun. What, are you conducting the interview? No, I just was simply asking a question. I love that you said you wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus. I've been on the Greyhound bus in this country. It's just 57 years. I sat next to. I was on a Greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. This is a fun wrestling story. Yeah. I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia, and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit. Wait, what is the truth? He knew a secret about Chris Benoit? Yeah. Let's hear. He was a good man. And the whole time I was like, okay, okie dokie, then. Yeah. He only killed his family to send them to God. Oh, my God. All right. And he said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon. He got away. How's your New Year's going, Laser? How's your holidays? What does a guy like you do exactly, other than Crystal Method? Oh, Jesus Christ. The Spirit of the Wolf. No, dude, I got a New Year's resolution. Is it to give Ron White his voice back? That there's my daddy, but he's a Democrat, so he ain't my daddy. But, dude, I gotta stop coming inside of strangers. Tell us more about that. Look, I was hoping. I was hoping Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview. I gotta stop coming strangers because, look, dude, I'm like the Tyree Kill of the Austin comedy scene. I can't pull out of a driveway, you know what I'm saying? And I'm not even scared of the MeToo movement. I'm scared of, like, I got a kid in Fort Wayne, Indiana, or some hole across this goddamn country that's like, when you. Child support. I don't want to be a part of that. Have you gotten anyone pregnant? Are there any nephew lasers out there? All we can do is pray. Wow. Amazing uncle. So what do you got planned for 2025? You've been touring a lot. You've been working really hard, trying. Yeah, just like. Look, like, say something. Tell me, like, on some real. Okay. Three years ago to this date, Tony H. Cliff invited me to. Tony H. Cliff and friends. It's been that long? It's been that long. Jeez. All right. You invited me to the New Year's Eve party of Vulcan, which, with your people, right? And I was dog then. I'm probably still dog now, but, I mean, back then I was even worse. Okay. Oh, yeah. And. But you gave me a shot, all right? It's testament to you. And my mama was in the crowd tonight, and I was thinking about quitting my job. And up until that point in my life, that was the best set ever had. All right. And took a chance. But, like, yo, look, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but I'm be honest with you. Thank you for everything. Yes. Look, look. Joe Rogan might have built the comedy club in Austin, but Tony Hinchcliff created a fucking culture. You hear me? Thank you. I couldn't have said it better myself until later tonight in the mirror, like I do every night, I look directly at myself and I say, tony, you built the fucking culture. No, I'm kidding. I was gonna say, I'm pretty sure you'll corner me later at a party and tell me that for 15 minutes. Do you know what I've done, Joe? I love you. Uncle Laser. Congratulations. You did it. We're going to keep flying through it. There he goes. Uncle Laser. Which brings us to bucket pool number three. I feel like this is a new name, but. But we may have seen it before. Oh, my God. How about these lovely ladies in this sausage fest that we've had? We've had nothing but dudes and a chick with a. The size of half a thumb. Thank God for Heidi and Valerie. For those of you out there that are into beautiful women. All right, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Joe Barnholtz. Everyone, bucket pool number three is Joe Barnholt. One more time for Joe. My name is Joe because I was named after the crab shack that I was conceived in. You guys, I'm single, so I've been going on a bunch of dates. It's not really helping my love life, but I do have an outstanding balance on my credit card. Card. Yeah, it's hard to stand out in the dating world when you look like the vanilla flavor of white men. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad flavor. It's just not anybody's first choice. I don't even have any tattoos or anything. Or as I call them, sprinkles. You guys, I'm so white, I get 2% milk at the store cuz whole milk's too spicy. I feel like there's a lot of weirdos in the dating world. I went on a date with this one girl, she told me she had two half brothers. Which is just a really strange way of saying you have a brother for everyone. That's slow at fractions. I'm gonna give you a second to catch up there. It's like, what, did you cut him in half or something? Like when I say I have two half women in my freezer, that makes. Makes sense. Oh, bunch of weirdos out there, you guys. Thank you. My name is Joe Barnhold. All right, Joe Barnhold, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up? I've been doing it about a year, playing music for about 16. Wow. What kind of music do you play? Full band. Hip hop. You're in a hip hop band? Have you been on this show before? I was about a month ago and I found out you were in a hip hop band. I did. I do musical comedy. I tried to sing a song about Santa and forgot the lyrics. Okay. Do you have anything that you would do tonight if you were. If you were a 16 year musician? Yeah, I can. I can play guitar and rap for you guys if you want. You need a guitar to do it. I mean, it helps. Okay. Do we have that extra guitar somewhere? D Madness. You see a guitar anywhere back there? Marcus just left. Oh, we got it. Okay, we're going to give this guy a shot. Gives us a chance to look at the lovely Heidi one more time. My goodness. A modern day Vanna White, if you will. A Marilyn Monroe esque thing. Just handing a cord to an absolute jerk off. Joe Barnholt. Look at this guy. Looks like Joe Derosa. Ultralight, but. What? God damn it, I didn't hear it. All right. Hopefully your music is funnier than your comedy. Here he goes. Away we go. Hope this feels through life on a safe little boat but see it's time for me to abandon ship or abandon hope like wo so merrily we rode Life's but a dream we woke we try to flee but run these circles round the globe it's up, down, side to side Never straight from that path I charted round around this wild ride Always end up where I started Laugh after lap at the dog track Life's a bitch, then you die maybe that is man's best friend. I wonder why. You suck, dude. Fair. Love it. You suck. We're gonna get you out of here. They don't know what they're talking about. Don't believe these haters appreciate you. That's the fresh new sound that's going to be coming out the radio. That's right. Yeah. We've never heard on the radio. I disagree with James. No means no. No. I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars. Yeah. It's been 15 quiet years without that. You got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here, that's like Dylan going electric. I'll take it. I. It was pretty. It was fine. Hey, thanks. I'll take it. I thought. I thought, if. If I may. I thought your comedy was funny. Oh, thank you. And I thought it deserved more. And I felt like you weren't getting as much cuz you were the first comic that wasn't like, I shoved my needle dick in her smelly. And they were just a little caught off guard that he was doing like, you know, you should think about. You should wear a dog next time. Wear. You wear. Wear a dog Like a. Put a dog's body on your shoulders trying to explain it. Red Ban informed me in the middle of your set that it's a famous Jim Gaffigan joke. That whole milk is spicy. Ever seen Jim Gaffigan before? Heard that joke. All right. Okay. Google it. I will. I will. How dare Jim Gaffigan have stolen your joke. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? I got a big joke book. You did? Well, you should use it. Joe Barnholtz, everybody. There he goes. We're going to keep it moving fast tonight. We're going to get through it. It. He's already been on. But in this moment, we shall get yet another legendary golden ticket. Winner on the show. You know him, you love him. He got picked up from this show to be on America's Got Talent, which is how backwards the industry is that they are now finding people for agt, for Netflix, for everything. Here on the show that you guys, guys watch every Monday, we find the people. This is the return of Aaron Belial, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. Smart. Started his entrance early. Gives me enough time to kill some time while he sets up Bluetooth blue suit Aaron Belial, everybody. Make some fucking noise for him. Come on. It's not too late to have the first female president. We could have the best one. Trump could transition. Now I can grab my very own pussy. Quite frankly, I have the best pussy. My pussy is very tight and beautiful. Everyone who sees it says it's the best they have ever seen. My pussy is so much better than Caitlyn Jenner, who got a liberal pussy from the radical left. She got her pussy from a fake doctor. I got mine from an American doctor. A lot of people go to Mexico to get their pussy. Not me. Mine was made right here in America. America has the best pussies. Everyone knows it. A Haitian man wanted to eat my cat the other day, but I said no, this pussy is only for real Americans, legal Americans. They're eating the pussy and it's our pussy. We cannot allow these people who are walking over the borders in the ocean continue to eat our beautiful American pussies. My pussy is so American, it bleeds red, white and blue. Usually I would need to edit clips together for a joke like that, but that was all from a single interview. Yes, I love it. The evolution of Aaron Belial doing some next level over there, using other voices, making your own clips, writing the bits in other people's voices. That makes fucking sense. That's cool as hell. Awesome. How's it going, Aaron? You dress the part and everything. You look like a politician. Even your arms is crooked. As a politician right now, you're better dressed than the literal politician that was up here. Yeah, it's true. Tony has been spending too much time with Trump. Didn't know that shooting carrot juice into your cock would make your skin that color. Shoot carrot juice into my cock? Take a day off, buddy. Your head looks like a horse saddle with teeth. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Aaron. You fucking son of a bitch. You know, you can go out and get some sun sometime, Aaron. You can wobble your ass out there a golf course sometime and maybe drive the cart or something. Maybe you can caddy. Maybe I could use you as a holster I can't really do the thing. I know. I know. You remember that. You. You son of an Australian bitch. Say that again. You son of an Australian bitch. I've been nothing but good to you, let me tell you. You've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your Aaron Belial. That's true. He's. Look at this guy. Unbelievable what's happening here. God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful. He'd be too funny. Say it again. Say it again. I love you, too. I love you. Wow, you're switching voices a lot over there. Do you have a black. Black voice on there? I would personally like the Japanese voice, if that's possible. Oh, he's got one. He's very excited. This motherfucker's got body language in all capital letters when he's got something. He got something like that. I got that. Watch this. Look at him typing. Look how fast that thumb flies when you ask for a racist Asian accent. Accent, Joe Derosa. I'm not this fast with Aaron. My God, you're crazy. But what are you, Alec Baldwin with that triggering now? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my. I'm talking now. Okay, all right. Well, okay. There you go. Stop trying to make me say the nword. I am not like you. No, I don't say that. Thank you, Aaron. That's going to be a. That's going to be a new conspiracy. Conspiracy theory. Just because you're bent like that doesn't mean you have to be retarded. I'm not like you. I don't say the N word. Shut the fuck up. You've never heard me say the N word. You've heard me say every other racial slur that there is, but you've never heard me say the word. Will you keep that fucking thing up? What are you crazy? No, I'm not. I can't do it now. It's fucked up. It would have been fucked up. It would have been more racist than me saying the N word. He was reaching. What? I saw. I saw the button you were gonna push accidentally. Do you want to push it? No. No, it's not. They've got the. When you see my hand go this way, that means you turn your volume up. It's. It wasn't on purpose. They've got all the animals on the iPad and he was accidentally going to press the chimp button. I wasn't. The chimp button. And then he. He stopped because he's not a racist. I'm a chicken. Okay, Aaron, what the fuck were you gonna say three minutes ago? It is no longer relevant. Nothing. Okay, perfect. Everything good. Is this your first New Year's in Austin? I can't remember. Is this your first time in America on a New Year's Eve? What do you guys normally do in Canada for New Year's Eve? Make. You don't have a Canadian accent. I didn't know you were from Canada. Last year in New Year's, I got jumped in Austin on 6th Street. I don't know if it's the way I dress or the way I walk, but homeless people keep targeting me. Yesterday on 6th Street, a guy sitting on a pizza box yells at me, hey, you look like you need to be fucked in the ass. What the fuck? Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That was me. At a glance, what, looking at me makes you. Well, you stopped yourself from talking there. At a glance, what, looking at me makes you think I need to be fucked in the ass? I don't think that's gonna help my scoliosis. No. Homeless people probably target you because they think you're a fucking zombie walking towards them in the dark. Just fucking. Yeah, I would target you, too. Whoa. Jesus. I only backed up because I thought it might be contagious. Aaron Belial. He's pointing at me. That's racist. Okay, he's been out of Canada a while, but not long enough to accuse people of being racist and using slurs that they don't use. It's such a liberal thing. What else is going on? Aaron, let me type it out first and then I will tell you. I was telling a joke last week about how I use my disability to skip lines at Disney World. And this Botox bimbo sitting with her plastic surgeon boyfriend gets mad and heckles me, telling me I'm abusing my power. Like, how are you gonna judge me for using my privilege to save my knees while you're getting on your knees for free lip fillers? Yeah. Fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch. Oh, shit it. Oh, Anthony, that is just wrong. Anthony, the director found a girl with a bunch of Botox and did a reaction shot there. That is wrong. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Is that. What? Is that the homeless person on the pizza box? Aaron, look at that. Oh, my God. Halloween on New Year's Eve. Absolutely incredible. It's a hybrid. I love O. She came into my meet and greet line demanding a picture because she paid for me. Kept grabbing at me, too. So I acted retarded again and I bit her. Hell, yeah. Good luck getting that nose fixed. I bite with the strength of 47 chromosomes. You're on fire, Aaron. You did it again. What else? Anything else? You fucking crushed. You did it. Great interview. Just a few more words from me, Joe, you should love me. I can transition at any time with my thumb. Oh, okay. For those of you that don't know, Joe got his dick sucked by a two skank fest ago. If you're wondering why everybody keeps saying that Joe was straight. Sorry for being a champion of progress. I'm changing the world one blow job at a time. I can turn into an Australian lady and you can jack me off. Wow. Don't you do that to our sweet Australian women. You keep our voices out of your phone. Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be successful so we could finally have something in this country? Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? And you try and bring us down. That is true. Didgeri. Don't do that to him. I'm sorry. Oh, okay. I'll take it. Well, Aaron, you were great. You did it again. I love you. We love you. The people love you. Aaron Belial wobbling his way to the mountaintop every step of the way. And indeed, this is bucket pool number four. We're about to go back to back bucket pools. Your first one here. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going two to Vic Shiv Dasani. Vic Shivdasani is the fourth bucket bowl. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise. Oh, this is a wild episode. Make some noise for Vic Shivdasani. So I just got to make a stipulation real quick. I do sit down, not stand up. Yep, it's a little bit different. My name is Vikash Avdasani, but I go by Vic, so you're welcome. I know what you're all thinking seeing me up here, but I'm not really disabled. I'm just really lazy. Or at least that's what I tell people. See, people always feel the need to come up to me and be like, hey, man, what happened? Why in a wheelchair? My favorite, like the old Indian people who are like, so what is wrong with you? I'm like, man, what the hell is wrong with you? Got no manners. Jeez, nothing's wrong with me. I just got tired, wanted to sit down. I had a lazy idea to add wheels, knock, and bring my own chair everywhere. It's fucking genius. One time, this dude came up to me. He was like, hey, man, what's your handicap? I was like, what? I don't know. I don't play golf. But seriously though, I used to walk and now I've been in a wheelchair for about 18 years. When I was 22 years old, after a night of partying, I fell off of a third floor apartment balcony after a night. It left me paralyzed from the waist down. We're gonna save you from the undertaker coming out here. Stop. We're like the last. That's. That would be just so depressing if the undertaker threw you in the middle of the arena right now. This is crazy. The balls on these handicap people that keep running the time for. For the record, the punchline there was. Oops. Okay, you didn't like that? Okay, Vic. Vic. Dasani. Shiv. Dasani, Shiv. Dasani, Shiv. Like you're stabbing somebody in jail. We got it. Does it upset you that. That the most prominent place you'll ever see your name is a water bottle? Okay, I thought that hit harder. He also thought that the floor would hit harder from the third story. So your third story apartment, what happened exactly? So we had a night of party, we went out to the club, we came back. And how long ago was this? How old were you? I was 18 years. I was 22 years old at the time. 22 years old, man, that is just a ripe time to drink too much. How much do you think you had to drink that night? 12 drinks, probably. There you go. Okay, so you're back at an afterparty, third floor apartment. And what happens? We took cabs to and from the club. We were responsible drunk people. Did you also drive the cab? No, no, your father drove the cab, My uncle, but. There you go. Okay, so you took cabs on. I can't imagine how that applies to the story. But now you're back at the apartment. I got back to the apartment. One cab was missing. I went to the balcony to call my cousin who was in the missing cab. He's like, we're right around the corner. I lean over the balcony to see if I could see any headlights coming. I lost my balance. Last thing I remember was losing my balance. Oh, my God. Yeah, pretty much. Unbelievable comedic timing by Red Band on the shot. Shot, shots again. That's about 40 seconds after he said 12 drinks, but great, we're getting to the climax of the story. Hey, keep going. Maybe you'll fall off a fucking third story balcony. He'll have free fallen. Ready to go in a minute and a half. It's fine. What happened you're leaning over the balcony at the most unbelievable time for a very loud noise. Go ahead, Vic. I lost my balance. And the next. I mean, the next thing I remember was waking on the ground. I don't remember falling or anything. Wow. Incredible. And what did they tell you when you awakened? No one actually saw me. My friends with the missing cab came literally right after I. I fell. All I had was a bloody nose. Nobody knew what was going on. I was coming too. And then I was like, I think I fell off the balcony. It was kind of a. See, hold on a second. This is unbelievable. This is incredible. I love how silent this arena can get. You're welcome. The story in which I feel like everybody's thinking like, oh, fuck, that could have been me when I was 22. It certainly could have been us. It's as quiet as an actual H E B in here right now. So nobody noticed that you had fallen off. You kind of woke up and came to. You have a bloody nose. Could you feel your legs or anything? I couldn't get up. I couldn't move. And that's when I was just like, help. Something happened to me. How did they find you? I landed on the only four foot patch of grass, right next to a curb and six inches from a sprinkler. Wow. If you would've landed on the sprinkler, you would have been the best smelling Indian man that any of us. Wouldn't that have been something? Just. You were one sprinkler away from a superhero origin story. Did you say it was your uncle? You were waiting for your uncle to turn up who was late? My. My. My cousins. Your cousin. How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen? Immediately. All right. Nice. Wow. And how old are you now? I'm 40. Okay. What do you do for a living? I am actually. You make street food with your hands. You make sure your hands get into everything and they touch your feet and shit. Sometimes. That's what you people do. Every single one of you. Except for the cool Vivek guy. He seems clean and nice. Okay. All right. Okay. Again, that has nothing to do with anything. Thing. I. I actually am a. I help people heal from emotions. I'm a. I'm an emotional healing coach, I guess. I actually wrote a book. You wrote a book? I wrote a book. It's called Rolling with it. Lessons learned while sitting down. No. What's your love life like? Can your dick get hard? It's what everybody wants to know. It's true. It's true. I gotta use blue pills every so often, but it works. But yeah. Wow, that's a miracle. That's great. One miracle. Yeah, that's great. Hard as I rock. You are Indian? I am Indian. Are your parents, like, strict Indians or whatever they wanted you to be? An engineer? Accountant. Oh, an accountant. Well, they can count on you never walking again. Do you get to see them a lot? Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Do you have anything fun that you do in your wheelchair? You play, like, wheelchair basketball? I play wheelchair basketball. I play for the Austin Wreckers. Whoa, look at that. That's incredible. I love it. Wrecker is a weird name for a basketball team in wheelchairs because that's how a lot of them get into wheelchairs. Very true. Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled? That's a great question. Do you feel like more proud to be there or. That's a very interesting question. It is. It's like women with big, natural, natural tits running into a woman with big fake tits. Absolutely. Absolutely. I think. I think the people who have. Have been paralyzed more recently hate the people that have. They just think this is life, you know, you looking down on them. You could say that it's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of disability. But that's. But wait, the. The newer crippled people, people look down on the longer crippled people because the people who are born cripple, like, that's just been their life. So they're like, this is it. And what? You're like, you don't even know how good it is to walk. Right? You do. That's what I'm trying to say. I got you crazy. It's like trans women versus CIS women. Ah, that makes sense. I get it now. Yes. Wow. Damn. That's. I would have thought it would be the other way. I would have thought that the people born without the ability to walk would be like, you know, fuck you, at least you had a chance, or whatever. I wouldn't have fallen off a balcony or whatever. I can't even see over the fucking bar to get 12 drinks in the first place. Like, I think they would have a lot of built up inner anger. Do you have a girlfriend or a wife? No, I don't. Okay. You go dating a lot? Here and there. I get lucky sometimes. Okay. Yeah. You seem like a good looking, likable. There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening. Are you from Austin? I'm from South Texas, but I Moved here in the summer. Okay. Have you kissed a girl in Austin since living here? I have not. Whoa. Oh, well, my dear friend, Vic Vincent ik it just so turns out that we have the best fan base here in the world. Is there a beautiful Austin woman out there that's willing to come up here and give Vic a big kiss? Anyone? Is there a woman? There's a bunch of dudes raising their hands for some reason. Is that one right there with the glasses? Yeah, yeah. You with the glasses. Is that you? Oh, look at this one. Look at that, Vic, you're about to get your first Austin kiss. This looks like a real Austin woman. Misplaced tattoos. Keep coming. Keep walking, lady. I cannot believe this is happening right now. It's happening, Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss from what appears to be Uncle Laser's aunt. This is incredible. She has a bunch of tattoos. This is a real Austin girl. She might. You play for the Wreckers. She looks like she plays for the Home Wreckers. This is very exciting. Oh, here she is. Oh, my God. You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Here we go. Whoa, we got a camera angle on that. Oh, she. Oh, shit. This is New Year's Eve at the Heb Center. Oh, my God. Oh, hell yeah. That's fucking fun. Here you go. Here's a. Here's a big joke book, you crazy slut. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Now. Damn, Becky. Happy New Year's to me. Now, Vic, it's New Year's Eve. Have you fingered a girl in Austin yet? Let's go. I have not. Oh, here she comes back up. Oh, my God. This is crazy. I'm being told. I'm being told from the great director that we might have a slow motion replay of that kiss. Wow, look at the tongue action happening here. He could take away your legs, but he could not take that mouth away. Dear God. That is an aggressive. You guys are both nasty. You guys are tonight for sure. That kiss was messier than your fall off of the balcony. Except. Except your whole family is actually going to notice that right when it happens. They're not going to leave you. You might end up waking up next to a sprinkler again. Vic, you're going to have a hell of a night ahead of you. They might have to rename this place the Heeb center after what? All right, there's a big joke book. First guy to catch it tonight. How about that? Can I just say one more thing? Absolutely. Finally, someone with a disability on this show that can fucking Enunciate. Wow. Just insulting some of the greats. Okay, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belial are about to officially jump here you when you get off stage they have the ability to take put up some. They're about to put a stick in your spokes to your wheels. Hello everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Prize Picks. Allstar Weekend is almost here and Prize Picks is the best place to win cash while watching your favorite players during the game and the Saturday night events like the Three Point Contest. Sign up today to get $50 in instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Think Steph Curry will get more than five three pointers next week. Giannis for more than 35 points. Cook up hot takes with your friends and win real money this basketball season when you and your crew run your game on Prize Picks. Sports specialist Red Band Tony I love Prize Picks. There are so many amazing opportunities piece to get on this week on Prize Picks. 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It is that time ladies and gentlemen. Straight to another bucket pool. Make some noise for her. It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brittany Ogada. Brittany Ogada. Here we go. Britney Ogada. One more time for Brittany everybody. I don't know what was going on out here but I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna follow that shit. So the other day I went through my 18 year old cell phone. I know non progressive mom and I went through and I Found a chat that he was using where he was sexually chatting with some AI robot named Cindy. And I'm over here thinking most parents would be gross to fuck out by now. But I'm over here like, yes, he's finally sexually talking to something. I need to get the shit dick out of my house already. But the joke was on me because I quickly realized that the AI chat robot that he was speaking to was from a group chat that was called Boys who Secretly Want to Fuck Their Moms. Boy, I was quick to the store to buy four fucking locks for my bedroom door that night. Just the other day, I went to go pick him up from school, high school. And I'm sitting in the car and he comes out and he's got like one glove, just one glove on his hand, you know, one of the gloves with the tips cut off. Like how they wear, like sticky bandits and Home Alone. And anyway, I lookin at him, I'm like, what the fuck is this homo doing? And he gets in my car, I'm like, what the fuck are you wearing? All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna save you again. There's some saving people tonight. There it is. Oh, boy. You came out guns ablazing with an excuse. Don't know how I'm going to follow that. And I knew right then and there that you were gonna fucking suck. Oh, it's okay, though. I had some laughter. Yeah, it's okay. That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say and look like I had some laughters. Okay, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up, Brittany? This is my first time. What made you want to sign up tonight? Okay, got him back on your side. Joe Derosa comes running back because he thinks. Thinks you're trans. What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your first time doing standup comedy? Honestly, it's my husband's birthday. He's out there. He's been watching Kill Tony. Are you booing husband's birthday? It's because they're not on stage right now. That's all. Wow. Straight up attacking the comedian section. The comedian's attacking me. It's all right. My favorite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off. I said tips cut off. I know it was tips, but I. That was fun. It was gonna be a good joke. Can I ask what that was? Why did he have glove with the tips? He was wearing a glove. And this is A true story. People are begging for the undertaker to come out and beat the shit out of. Of a woman. This is absolutely incredible. This is incredible. I've. I've never seen anything. I did not think this is how the show would go. Okay, how long have you been with your husband? I've been with him for 10 years, but I've been watching you guys forever. So again, the comedians. Are you guys booing this because you think I'm going to bring up the husband? Why are you booing her husband? I'm confused. What were you doing to the comedians during the show? I wasn't even sitting over there. I had my own ticket. Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband? I just want to say the undertaker. I'm not bringing up the undertaker. It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up and bombed. People really want to see it though. This is incredible. Okay, I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna save everybody right now. Is there any hilarious thing about you? There you go. That's her time. This is a very, very, very good on you. This is the smallest joke book I could find. There she goes. And now, ladies and gentlemen, watch how fast, fast the energy in the room changes as I bring up a comedian who was not here last night and hasn't been around very much lately because he has been booked doing sold out shows all around the world. A man of true mystery, an anomaly, if you will, in the history of Kiltoni as one of the greatest, greatest regulars in the history of the show. A freak a man talked about. Some people say that this is God's favorite comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long awaited return of Casey Rocket. And yet I find. Yet I find there's no one left to go. God, senior year is gonna be nuts. We're gonna run this school, man. Marble. Marble hair. The ritual's almost complete, Tony. But one of us has to die for the other to truly be free. Alexander wept for there were no more rifts left to conquer. It's funny you bring that up because seven years ago tonight, my teacher, Ms. Garlic, Carly Garlic, heir to the Garlic fortune, she. She. Old Garlic money. You guys would have loved her. But she pulled me aside and she said, titty boy Lacroix. And I said, speaking. And she said five words that changed my life. She said, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I told her the truth, Austin. I said, I want to relapse. And she was Startled. I think she was startled because the relapse is predicated upon an initial addiction. But she's a sheep. She doesn't get me like you guys do. But. So seven years ago, I would have been 12. I'm 19 now, and I've never looked better. Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's from huffing ether, but science isn't there. He's yet to tell. But it's funny to do drugs when you're 12, because two years before that, you were 10. So? So you're a little kid. You're like a little kid. Like, I can remember doing Air Duster with my friends, and we're 12 years old. I can remember doing Duster, and my buddy would be like, what's the biggest dog you've ever seen? And my neighbor's dog's fucking mad. But you shouldn't do Duster. I've lost a lot of good friends like that. Chris Benoit, Aaron Carter. Chris Benoit. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy, especially around the holidays. But Chris Benoit murdered his family. Allegedly. I think Rey Mysterio did it, but thank you, Casey. Rocket, class of 2013. I mean, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, that is how it's done. Thank you. What a return. I mean, I don't think I've ever said this before on this show, but, Casey, I have missed you. I missed you. You are such a distinct type of rock star. Built for Arena US at the ripe age of 19 years old. 19? That's news to us. I've never looked better. It's true. Did you get a septum piercing? You say something funny? You bring that up, James? I did. Wow. Did it hurt? Yeah. Where'd you get it done? At Tooties. Wow. Where's Tooties at? Right next to Mr. Tyler's. Okay, let's talk about Carly Garlic, heir to the Garlic fortune. That name. What's in a name, really? But Ms. Garlic was one of the formidable adversaries and my benefactor. She put me through med school. And I wouldn't be anywhere without Miss Garlic. That's Carly Garlic to you. It's Miss Garlic to me, which seems backwards. That is amazing. I had no idea you went to medical school. What did you study at medical school? Pre med. Okay. I love it. I love it. It. Yeah. Just trying to figure it all out. Yeah. Phishing attacks, cyber security, Homeland. You all right, Red Band? You okay, Bubba? Red Band's been really sick. Casey, you are such a star with such an unbelievable, like, brand and your own style. How's it Been going out on the road. It's been really good. I. Oh, you're putting your hair back. We've never seen this before. That's a new thing. It's been the best summer of my life. Yeah, I went to. Can you turn to the side so that everybody can see? Wow, look at that. Oh my God. Titty boy lacroix. Thanks. In these old rags. Yeah, it's been the best summer ever. I. I went to 40 cities. I just got finished, so I'm going to 30 more next year. It's been really fun. Thank you for coming to see me. So cool. Thank you. A true comedian. A true comedian spreads his wings all over. How do you travel? What type of vehicle do you have? I've always wondered that. You seem like such a mysterious man. I've always pictured you perhaps horse and carriage or something. Yeah, Nosferatu style. I. God, listen to that Nosferatu pop. One of the biggest pops in showbiz history. Tony's about to barf. Redband's so sick. I did an almost double spin take there. I swallowed half. Yeah. Horse and buggy. My mom's a horse trainer. Shout out to Jenny Rocket. She's a horse trainer. She's watching from home right now. So cool. That's nice. Thanks. Yeah, Horse and buggy. Little car, big car. I'm looking at the way that Joe DeRosa is looking at you and I noticed that it changed when you put your hair back in a ponytail. I did notice that. Out of all the almost trans women tonight, I am most attracted to Casey. It is incredible. Truly, out of the performer and the woman that came up to kiss the Indian in the wheelchair, somehow Casey Rockett is indeed the most beautiful woman that's been on the stage tonight. Very. Oh, is that Jenny Rocket? I'm here. I want to say a very sincere thing. Yeah. To Casey. I mean, this dude like you, like, you know, when you're in the business, whatever, you see some of the younger guys coming up and sometimes you see a dude that makes you go, fuck, man, this guy. I gotta work harder. You're one of those guys to me, man. I'm serious. Thank you, Joe. You really are. I'm serious. I've started to see. Awesome. Thank you. I've seen a couple people on social media. I've been sent some clips of some people. I don't know their names. I wouldn't throw anybody under a bus. But I will say that I'm starting to see some up and coming comics try to rip that style a bit. A Lot of roaming around. A lot of not looking at people. I'm starting to see murmurs of it. The Comedy Store tribe. Harmonica sales have gone through the roof. It's terrible. Yeah. Riffing is not a victimless crime. It's not. I wouldn't advise it. It's tough. I don't want it. We can talk about it later. But of course, course. We'll circle back to it. Of course. But that's really flattering. I'm just a comic. Just a guy from his car living the American dream and happy to be here. Thank you. We love you, Casey Rocket. Another unbelievable performance. Truly, truly. You have watched this star be born and risen and rises again. This is the resurrection direction of titty boy Lacroix. Casey Rocket. And that brings us indeed to bucket pool number six. Who knows, this next person could be the next Casey Rocket. Make some noise for him. It's Tim Hill, everyone. Tim Hill, straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. There's Tim Hill. Austin, Texas. Is everybody doing good on New Year's? Good, good. So I just want to say every woman in the world. Every woman reaches an orgasm differently. Fellas, listen. Every woman comes differently. Every woman takes a little something different to reach a climax. I was dating a lady one time who could only come while she was on top. My last girlfriend could only come when she was getting fucked from behind. The lady I'm with right now can only come if she's getting fucked by a black guy and I'm tied up. It's crazy. It's crazy. But tomorrow I'm gonna be a couple years sober, actually. And don't woo I have a minute. But I was in Narcotics Anonymous for a long time. And there was this lady, she was in my group, she was in Narcotics Anonymous. She was there for weed. And, you know, I respect everybody, but, like, fuck that lady. You know what it's a like. Hey, yo, we do heroin and benzos in here, sweetheart. All right? Get a story or get out. Okay, we're good. There you go. Tim Hill. You've been on this show before. I remember you years ago. Yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. Was it. Were you still on Narcotics the last time you were on this show? No, but the last time I hung out with you, I was. When did we hang out? Skank Fest South. I was. Was. That was toast. That makes sense. That makes sense. That's a terrible festival for a recovering narcotics addict, too. Yeah. Choose to go to. But I was up. I was. I was on drugs. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm proud of you for The Journey. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Unless. Unless you want to hang out later. Yeah. Look at that. Joe DeRosa found the second most beautiful woman on this stage tonight. I was gonna say, I like how Casey was dressed like Stanley and you look like Courtney Love. It is amazing. Yeah. The fucking guy who wants to do coke with me later. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, what's up? We're getting quiet. What do you do for work? I take care of dogs. I'm like a trainer and stuff like that. I go around, I walk dogs. I work at a place for like a daycare, but I do a. Hold on. But you've got a UPS shirt on. This. This is. Are you stealing valor from the ups? Yeah, you know, you get to skip the lines and things like that. Free packages delivered to my house. This is my girlfriend shirt. So you really do have a girlfriend. Yeah. How long have you been with her? Very. Since I got to Texas. Like right away in March. Like eight or nine months. Okay. What does she do now? She works for a gun company. She counts like gun parts? Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, she makes. She's fucking putting Glocks together, bringing them home. Yeah. I find parts all over my house. It's like John Wicks living in my home, you know? Almost forgot we were in Texas and then I heard a pop for gun parts. Yeehoo. Fuck yeah. Parts of a gun. Can't have a whole gun without the parts. I just love them when the parts come together. Give them. This is a hot crowd tonight. This is a true Texas crowd cheering for gun parts. People crying. I saw tears out there during that national anthem. I saw tears for the undertaker. This is real Texas crowd. And you, you did a joke about, like, your girlfriend having sex with black guys while you watched. But this, I'm just noticing this. In America, in every hotel room, there is a cuck chair looking at the bed. Yeah. So is that more common? There's always a chair so someone gets right at the bed. Is that a very common. No, that's. That's Tim Hill's special seat, I'll tell you. That's mine. Yeah, they don't do that in Australia. They don't have a chair in the bedroom. Just in case you want. Always point directly at the bed. It's like a. It's a chair where you're supposed to, like, I don't know, take your shoes off or watch your wife get fucked by another man. Truly the land of milk and honey. America, we have a chair in the hotel room. How fucking bad is shit in Australia? I'm the king of the castle. I'm on a chair. What's an Australian thing that's in a bedroom that's not in an American bedroom? A real man. Thank you. That's great. I appreciate that. Wait. People that don't talk like idiots. Why would you say that? I knew it would come to this. We have perfectly good bedrooms. We talk in a normal way. No, you don't. Listen to yourself. Yeah, it's fair. Sound like a mortal. Here's what's hard. I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia. And as I was in line, I heard a woman talking, and I thought, fuck, she's retarded. And then I realized it was my accent that I was hearing coming back back to me. I also love that the Australian pronunciation of is equal to the Boston pronunciation of retarded. You got to pay the respect to where it came from, you know? Tim, what's the craziest thing we'd be surprised to know about you? That since the last time you've been on this show a couple years ago, I suck the lady's dick. Whoa. You got. Yes. Sit down and have a conversation, my friend. Welcome to another episode of Whoa, Derosa. Let's Talk about it. Take us through the evening nice and slow. Don't just go straight to, like, the. So she's coming down the back of my throat, like, where did you see her? Where did you meet her? What? Taking nice and easy. It's a pretty simple story. You go on a website called List Crawler. Wait, what the is that? I sucked. I sucked a prostitute stick. Oh, my God. Christ. There was a condom on it, which made me feel more like a. Yeah. Than I did in the first place. You basically sucked a dildo. Yeah, that's like. That's like making a sandwich for the guy at Subway. No, that's. That. It sounds like that, but no. When the. When the interest is to see a lady with giant tits and a. The $75 is worth it. You paid $75 to suck a lady's dick with a condom on it? Yeah. It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like, right? Like, conservative has changed its meaning pretty drastically over the last two years. Look. So let me speak for now. It's a right wing podcast. They're all sucking whore dick. Let me speak for everybody when I say everyone in America deserves to suck a lady's dick. We just don't Want our kids to have to hear about it in school. Yay. The second they graduate high school, it's condoms. Ready? I'll clear it up. I. It was a three way dick suck with a woman who I was with. Dig up. Wait, say that again. I used to have sex on the Internet, you know. What do you mean sex? I had. I'm telling you, I'm gonna get there. I had sex on chatterbait, if you're familiar. Oh, standing ovation from Red Band, our senior disgusting correspondent. And we wanted to switch it up so we got tits and a dick at the same time. Not a common order on the Internet. Hold on. So this is with your girlfriend? Yeah. So you and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here. Correct. Let's go. That's the start and stop of the story. We find one on the Internet. Oh, whatever happened to good old fashioned heterosexual love? Well, because here's the problem. Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation? By the way, I just want to take a moment about. About 20 seconds ago, there was a guy on the final thing when I said, so you and your girl had a girl with a dick come over and some guy over there goes gay. Like, it's like, where have you been the last seven minutes, sir? You just wake up, is that Vic landing from the third floor again? He's like, gay, what's the sprinkler doing next to me? But this ends with a sprinkler in your face as well, okay? No, because my girlfriend and I, we were on chatterbait a lot and we had regular people who liked the things that we did, and they wanted. They wanted a little switch up, right? And hey, it's a switch up that I didn't fucking hate, right? Okay? So the woman comes over, you throw a con. You guys just get right to it. Is there any small talk? There's drug use. Okay? What kind of drugs? Coke is what I was on, okay? And the hooker, the trans hooker did coke as well. The hookers won't do your drugs. I don't know if you boys have ever tried, but the hookers are playing it safe nowadays, right? And they won't do drugs. All I wanted for two years was to do coke in a room with a hooker and hang out with me. It's not a hard thing to achieve, dude. It's harder than you'd think. Apparently it's not. All right, show me around then. This is incredible. This is the world that people who hated the Beatles were afraid of. They knew it started with a man with long hair and it ended here. Attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the Internet. You're like £80 and a dick in your mouth away from being me. Okay, that's true. There was a fork in the road and we went down. I went with the sandwich. You went. Went with the penis. There was a fork in your mouth? Yeah. That's incredible. You're a wheelchair away from being Lieutenant Dan. Okay, so the hooker comes over. You and your girlfriend do drugs. The hooker refuses your drugs, starts slowly putting on a condom. No. They hang out. She's. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. She gets it. I get sucked, you know, a little bit by both of them. And then we do what the people on the Internet are asking for, which is. So you went live on the Internet sucking a dick. Yes. Wow. Any regrets the next morning? No, I love that. No, just an unlocked thing that I know. I like now that I can't. A lot of guys are sobering up out there, realizing that this guy's out there sucking cocks and that. They don't like that. How much money did you make, though? A good amount. More than the $75 you homophobes. So you pull the profit off this? 100%. Easy peasy. Hotel room coke and hooker free. Wow. At what point do you and your girlfriend stream the AIDS test? That's Patreon. That's next week. Is the clip findable somewhere? Is it out? Oh, okay. Red band was trying. I wanted to help. I don't. Can you go backwards on chatterbait? Red band, you know you already have a joke book. No. Here you go. There goes my dick. Damn. Well, no. That's another person's job. There goes Tim Hill, everybody. Oh, boy. This place is about to go crazy again. Oh, another person who wasn't here last night, who just got into town today is yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A kill Tony hall of famer, A guy absolutely, I believe, second place for all time appearances, all time interviews. A roast. God. This. This is the one and only David Lucas. Yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Y'all ever notice that snatching a black girl's wig off is equivalent to taking the mask off of the criminal on Scooby Doo? It's like, I knew it was you. She's like, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you kids. I don't know what it is about snatching A black girl's wig off. But that shit changed her DNA, you know what I'm saying? Because when you snatch the wig off, the eyebrows come with it. My relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch wig off. I snatched her wig off. And I called the cops on that hoe. I'm like, hey, it's a hood nigga in my bathroom. Somebody uncle just went in my closet. But I think if you're in a relationship and you've been with a girl at least three months, you should have at least seen her natural face. Because the first time you see your girl without makeup, it's like, damn, baby, I didn't know you had six months to live. What the fuck? If I knew that shit was terminal, I would have never cheated on your ass. All right, that's my time. Thank you. Fuck yes. The return of the legend. Yeah. David Lucas. Tony, uh oh. You look like a gay nigga going through a divorce. Yes. That motherfucker got his sleeves rolled up like he about to split everything in half, including the dildo. This is your half. What's up, Tony? How you feeling? Well, we know you're not splitting anything in half. We know what you split in half. Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, my God. Your hat is as backwards as your diet. God damn, Tony, why you so red? You gotta stop letting your man abuse you. You up here looking like a ripe tomato. Bitch your ass. I'm gonna throw it at the next bucket pool. That don't do good. I can't believe you know what a tomato is? That's a vegetable with nutrients in it. But you know what a cucumber is. You gay. That Tony know what a sandwich pickle is? Look at it. He want one right now. That nigga smoking that cigarette thinking about a dick. God damn it, you are on fire all day. Look at you. You look like the somebody's teddy bear ate everything. I just be missing Tony so much. God damn. What's up? To Joe derosa. Yeah. That look like the kid off of the Wild Thornberries. Yep. What was that kid name on the watch? David. It's nice to finally be in a room big enough that you can fit into. Joe, if you would have been riding in the front seat of JFK's car, he wouldn't be dead. You big head. Water balloon head ass nigga. Get the fuck out of here. Look at that head out here looking like Jimmy Neutron. Get your. It's true. It's true. He's that look like an educated Llama. Get your dumb ass. Look at that head. I like that you're keeping the chocolate twizzlers inside your hat. Now Joe Derosa look like he got a football helmet on, boy. Big head ass. If you head butt a, it'll be a first degree homicide charge. Big head, God damn. Now you got to take an aspirin with a bow and arrow. David Lucas, how many boyfriends you got now? Oh my God, you stop it. Especially after that trump. I know you got some exotic now, boy. Hell yeah. Tony out here with all type of Puerto Rican in his house. Before I was a blatant republican, the only elephant that supported me was you. Don't laugh at that, man. This. Oh, yeah. Got him. Tony. I don't. I don't even know why you're a republican. Because you can't get abortions no more. What? You can't get no more abortions. You're the one that looks like you're pregnant with triplets. I might be. That is incredible. Every time I nut in a, I get pregnant. Have you not tried oic? Are you allergic to it or something? What's going on? You haven't tried it. You know there's an easy way around this now, Tony, you out here taking zest torone. What a gay ass. Dave's like, I've been eating the oic. It's not working. Jos, we going to put your head on some oic? Your head need to go on the sliff ass diet. James, he's fat. No, I'm sitting this out. I was very happy to sit this one out. That James looked like William Montgomery waking up from a 20 year coma. You shut your mouth. You shut your mouth. David Lucas. David Lucas look like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls. I'm not taking this from you. Oh, you want woke the Australian roast beast. I want to wake that up. Boy, it looked like somebody put your ass in the dryer. Said I gotta be the kill Tony in 30 minutes. Let me go in the dryer. Well, if people would stop canceling right before the show started, I'd have some time to prepare. I called you, you dumb. You're so nice backstage. What is this weird Persona? Why are you acting all nasty in front of these 8000 people? Your mama raised you better than that. Yeah, a kangaroo raised you, you Australian bitch. Did you drive a Subaru here, you fucking lesbian? Get your ass out of here. James McCann. You look like a disheveled lesbian. Get your motherfucking. Oh, yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed. Don't have any problems going on in the body. People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much. David. If David lived in a glass house, he wouldn't be able to lean against any of the walls. Y'all gagging up on me now. I'm kind of like, gang up on Tony. You? Yeah, it's funny. Joe derosa. Go ahead. What. What your head got to say? I like to see you put on a baseball cap. Your head is on the last notch. Show the notch to the people. It's on the last notch. Can we zoom in on that notch? But, Joe DeRosa, you look like one of them rattlesnake preachers. You know what I'm saying? Bite you, then you pray it off. All right, that wasn't that good. Yeah, don't try to get. Esther look like someone who has given Richard Nixon advice. You do. Look at him. Jason can't just make me laugh. I don't know. I watched a Watergate documentary. You're in it a lot. You look like somebody bleached. David Lucas. You fat. I'll accept it. He's not that fat. That's like my. Yes, he is. He's fat. Oh. In my country, if I was his size, I'd be happy. In my country, I'm very, very fat. For real. Australia. In America. I'm doing okay in America. You healthy, nigga. That's a. I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart. That is a good time. I've seen you there. We've been out there together. Hell, yeah. I don't shop at Walmart, nigga. What the fuck is you talking about? Joe Derosa look like he can only drive convertibles with that head, nigga. Or a car with a sunroof. You just see his head poking out the top. If you see Joe Deroa's head shadow, that mean we got 30 more days. I can't. This is incredible ground. Deroza Day. David Lucas is only here because when he heard HB center, he thought he was going to the best grocery store ever. HB is. Is a good grocery store. It's fantastic. Yeah, it's a good grocery store. That's. That's where you can catch him on mobility scooters. I actually do groceries delivered to my house. I. I don't really, really. You don't move around much. Okay. That's a surprise. He. If you get a headache, you. You gonna be in the hospital for three days. No, I had this man picked as a Whole Foods man. Cause he's eating The Whole Foods up in that store. That's all I have. I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm gonna take a kangaroo to beat your ass. This is incredible. You really get groceries delivered? Yeah. Are they done? Drive by Style or. What do you order, Tony? Fucking you know me, sausage right up my ass. Organic. As long as it's organic. Hell, yeah. No condom. So, David, how's life been going? You've been on the road, you've been traveling around? Yes, sir. Got a lot of tour days for 20, 25. Me and you got some exciting stuff coming up. Yep. So you will be seeing a lot of stuff for me and Tony in 2025. I can't wait for the world to see that. Yep. Yeah, just touring, doing shows. Thank you for everybody who has supported. We love you, David. You're a monster, an absolute beast. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Make some noise for the great and powerful David Lucas. You might as well, my man. One more time for David everybody. Again, hall of famer, legend. And speaking of legends, let's just go back to Back Chaos before we get back to this bucket. You guys want back to back Chaos? I present to you here to grace us with his presence. It's unbelievable. Just like the Undertaker being here. This is so surreal for a fucking you young punk like myself. That started when I was younger, thinking, who knows where this can go? Here to do an appearance on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, the first comedian to ever sell out an arena. One of the greatest of all time, I present to you. This is indeed the return of Andrew Dice Clay. You know what, Tony? You know what? I. I should have. I mean, you number one. Let's hear for Tony Henchcliffe. He's unreal. But, you know, and I know it's New Year's Eve. I mean, I saw the Undertaker, I fucked them. But the thing is this, Tony. I am a little upset. I'm just. I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest. Because, you know, when you carry something, you know, Joe, when something's bothering you. And I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my chest, it's really gonna bother me. And I won't be able to do anything for you. Cause I'm getting ready for the show, right? And I tell her all the time, because I follow a list. I put things like fingerless gloves, I stole from Dick's Sporting Goods, check. And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the list. But she Makes a noise, and I come over and I tell her as nice as you shut up. I go back to the list. Shoes by Ferragamo. She makes another noise. It gets a little more severe. I'm telling you the truth. You know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go, you know, shut the fuck up. I mean, you understand if somebody said that to you, you would understand her, right? She makes another noise, and I'm just gonna out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside. And I've been sitting backstage for a while, and I come over to her, and with one hand, I'm just. I can't lie. I just can't do it. And with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash her on the fucking ground. And now she's in fucking pieces. You know, I got Alexa during the pandemical, and everything was beautiful back then. I don't know, I'd come out of the room in the morning, I go, alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away thank you. Alexa set the coffee timer for five minutes. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Alexa, what's the weather like outside? Oh, it's sunny with a few clouds in the sky. And about eight months ago, it starts, right? I come out, alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. She starts playing some fucking rock and roll shit. Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Nothing. Tell him. In the shower, 20 minutes later. And she starts, beep, beep, beep, beep, hoping I slip and break my fucking hip. What? Why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys? I know that would have never been a problem. Anthony, play Frank Sinatra radio. Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away Anthony, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Dice, you only gotta tell me one fucking time. I'm not Alexa. Me and you were the same. Go take your fucking shower. And if you want to know the weather, look out the fucking window. And here we are, fucking New Year's Eve. This is the night, let me tell you. This is one load at a time, fellas. Everybody gets to shoot their moose juice all over you tonight. That's what it's all about. And tonight, it's not just about a quick bang. It's about being a fucking mechanic. Walk around the bed, pal. Take a good look at her, what she's wearing. Be a mechanic. Move the tongue to the side. Nice beefy clam chops between her Legs. You get on missionary. Why? Why would you get on missionary? Just to break a sweat. Loosen the back muscles, the back of your legs. Get on your toes, dig in a little. Now, when you break a sweat, you grab her by her ankle, pull it to the edge of the bed, caddy corner. It's the best fucking workout in the world. You're doing the screwdriver, you're working your shoulders, your tries, your buys. It's incredible. Now you're gonna do your fucking squats, hold on to that ankle. But on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink lip. La. On the sixth time down, my friend, you miss the pink lipped lagoon and your tongue goes in a whole other area. And when your tongue goes in her asshole, by the way, the asshole they used to hide from us with extra long pussy hairs. And today they take it to the salon, they get it bleached out, bump, buffed out, put a little studded fucking earring in there. So when your tongue goes in there, what does a chick do? They all look to the left. They're all like, did he do what I think he just did? And then the show begins. Ass, putty ass, puddy tit and go. Putty, putty, putty ass. It's like you're honking a horn. Ass, ass. Then you pick up the tempo. Ass, putty ass, Putty ass, putty T T T T T T T T T tudy. And I learned all of that from all of my mom's best fucking friends. And that's where you are on New Year's Eve. I just. I just came out and I heard when you yelled that out. I. I heard it, but I don't know if these. These people would know the Mother Goose stuff, so, you know, I'm not. I'm not gonna stand up here unless I really hear that you fucking know this. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet eating a curds him way long came a spidey sat down beside he said, hey, what's in there? The bull. Oh, Chuck and Jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter Joe came down with 250 oh, little boy Blue, he needed the money Hickory dickory dock this chick was sucking by the clock struck two, I dropped my goo I dumped a bitch on the next block oh, oh, Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone she bent over, Rover took over, oh, she got a bone of her own. You've been a great crowd. God bless. Happy fucking New Year's I love you, Austin. Thank you, Tony. I love you. Good night. Andrew Dice Clay, ladies and gentlemen, you are in it. The vortex of fucking chaos that is Kill Tony in its hometown in an arena. You guys having fucking fun tonight or what? We're going back to the bucket. Somebody has to follow the first comedian that ever did an arena straight out of a bucket. Could be you. One minute uninterrupted to the seventh bucket poll of the night that goes by the name of Cameron Altman, everybody. Cameron Altman. Make some noise for Cameron, everybody. What's up, Austin? So denying the Holocaust is like denying O.J. did the crime. It's kind of like denying Sleepy Joe Zepeto. So the left says Hitler's coming to power this year. Hitler. Ugh. If that's the case, I may need to borrow somebody's attic. I don't feel like writing a diary. So all it's really going to say is, we didn't learn shit from our history. Give them a circus and none shall revolt. Welcome to the circus, folks. I guess so, anyways. Sorry. So the eat the rich. Everybody's saying I'd go down on a lonely old widow for a chance at owning a house in this economy. Okay, I'm gonna save you immediately. Cameron. Cameron Altman. Welcome, welcome. How are you doing? Well, Tony, how long you been doing stand up? A couple months now. Okay. All of it here in Austin? No, in Denver, actually. Okay, well, welcome from Denver. Is that where you're originally from? No, I'm originally from Oklahoma. For those of you listening to the. There is nothing this guy can do more to be hated by this audience. I'm trying my best. No, Oklahoma sucks. It's a bunch of pedophiles. You're doing a good job. Keep trying. Take us, Cameron, take us a step forward. Look out at those people and tell them why Oklahoma sucks. Oklahoma sucks because there's a bunch of meth addicts that touch children. Okay, do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma? They hate Oklahoma. They like touching children. No. What do Ghost say? Okay, Red band. Thank you. It is hard to follow. And Andrew Dice Clay, people do say that it is, especially when you don't have material and your eyes are closer than Clinton and ep. Look at those things. Your eyes are almost touching. Traumatic brain injury at 2. My brother threw a rock at my head. Oh, my God. All right, the crowd is in. I want to say now, Cameron, here's a little joke book. I'm going to save you. Jesus. It just hit him between the eyes. It's impossible to hit him between the eyes. So keep going. All right. You know, do we have a replay? I'm not afraid of anything anymore. All right, all right. I'm calling for a slow mo replay of that book hitting him. I'm wondering how long it'll take. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Where's it at? Here, here. It's going to come. Oh, Jesus Christ. Give it to me one more time. Anthony, it's just too good. Oh, look at this. This. We happen to have the production team from the UFC here, so I can literally. Oh, yeah, right. Oh, my God. Wow. That is incredible. I mean, his fingers weren't even close. The throat is incredibly accurate, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and look at the reaction time. That is a true traumatic brain injury. He blinks seconds after it hits him. Oh, and he tried to catch the rebound. Naughty. Been close. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we might be the first arena show ever to watch the cause of a suicide happen in real time. He's going to be back. He's going to make it. This is like when Trump went to that White House correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him, and he was like, you. I'm going to take over. That guy's going to get some jokes, and he's going to be back. He could end up being the best comedian of all time one day. I don't care. I'm strong. Boo away, fat man from Oklahoma. I can't believe I missed that whole thing. I was peeing and I just heard a wave of booze. I couldn't explain to you what happened if I tried. It's a haunted house. That was nuts. I'm gonna change the tone of this room yet again, everybody. Don't worry. Booing, people. This is a very emotional audience. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a freak of nature that makes writing and performing a new minute look like a casual putting butter on your toast in the morning. I present to you one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians, ladies and gentlemen. You know him. This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson. Patterson, everyone. You can get louder than that. Oh. Can y'all tell I ran out of material yet? Nigga, I ain't got shit to say. I say this, I would. I just learned how to do that backstage, and I thought that was gonna be pretty fucking funny if I could have pulled it off. But it would have been cool to do that in, like, 19, like, 32. You take over a whole town like this nigga's a witch and a. What's going on here, man? I tell you this. I, Barack Obama, not for the reasons you think, brother. That was too happy. No, I. I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, even the president of the United States. And I was like, what is that? And then she said, he make the rules for the country. And, Cam, you could even be the first black president of the United States. And then when I was in third grade in 2008, Barack Obama became the first black president. And that fuck nigga took my dreams from me, and I sold crack the next day. All right, that's it. I'm done. I love that. What the. I think that's a great joke. That's one of my favorite jokes. That's. That's a great joke. All right, whatever you say, brother. I'll bet that stressing like a Tony I ain't have. I'm like this water thing going. Only thing I have right now. I swear to God. You're getting in your own head that. That's what happens. You have a. It almost worked. Were you using a napkin? What happened there? It was a. It was a magnet. It was supposed to be magic. Nigga, I was doing magic. Cam. I'm just curious. Huh? What was supposed to happen with the upside down cup? It supposed to stay like that. And then what? And then that was it. Oh, okay. Well, I did that same thing in Boston, and they loved it, but they dumb, so it's. You did what? The water trip. Oh, they lost their minds in Boston. You don't like it? No. What? The. The mat. The water trick? Yeah, I love the water trick. You love the water trick? It's pretty. I just learned that in Boston. It was dope. They never seen a black person in Boston, like, here you go, black man. We're going to teach you some tricks. It's a water cup. We have a replay of it. Let's see the replay of your, what you consider your lowest moment in comedy history. Very proud right there. Look at the look of absolute shock, the sheer surprise that it didn't work. I was so confident in it. I can't believe it. Not gonna hold you. Listen, real shit. It was either I was gonna do that, I was gonna come to the bin, just start jerking for, like, two minutes, nigga. That was it. That's all I had. I can't wait for the next bucket poll to get a electrocuted. Cuz. Your horseshit magic trick didn't work. I'm telling you, the Obama joke is good, man. That is terrible. Why? It's just not good. It don't got no beast to it. It's not good. It's not good. We'll figure it out. It's all right. I think it was good. It was. It's good. Trust me. It's. It's good. The people love you. Go. I hate it. Cam's getting in his head. This is what happens when you make it and you're selling out shows and it's continuous and you have to write a new minute every week. I mean, again, that is a job that none of your favorite comedians, none of them, none of them that you think in the world that are the best, none of them want to put out a new minute every single week on the Internet. None of them. Trust me. I promise. I. Ask them when you see them, ask them why they don't do it just for free, just for you. Hey, why don't you put on a minute for me every week of stand up? They won't. They don't. Cuz it's scary as it's frightening. And you can't do it. They can't come up with one one minute. So imagine having to do it every week. Anyway, there he is. As you can tell by how hard he's sweating, it's not an easy job. And plus, you have typical making it black guy problems. Your entourage gets bigger every week. It's a real thing. Your hair keeps getting bigger and your sweatpants keep getting tighter. Now my sweatpants been the same size the whole time. Sweatpants ain't changed. I know. I'm just trying to have fun. You do have the biggest entourage of anyone I've met in comedy. It's like four people. No, I was. I was at a gig at the Mothership a couple of weeks ago. And you had 57 people backstage. Yeah. You had enough fried chicken to feed a whole neighborhood. That was for the whole club. I took it for the whole club? Yeah. Everybody ticket. Yeah, but who ate it? I ate it. I was there. I was the only white guy in the green room hanging out and eating the fried chicken. I had a great time. We're not surprised. You were eating the fried chicken, James. Wow. No, it's true. You have entourage problems. It's a normal thing. How many? What's too many? Well, it starts with four. You always come in with four, and then each one of them invites one, and each one of those people invites weights too. It's a thing. You People don't know about this. We're gonna let you know. See, this is what happened. That's what's cool about a show like this, is you end up watching white artists and black artists have conversations about the culture. That's why I only roll with my day one. Inwards. Yeah. You gotta see. Yeah, it's true. James is part of Shane's crew. Shane's crew never adds people or takes them away. They stay strong. I was a weird addition because I just showed up at his house. I like the Obama thing. That shit was terrible. We love the Obama thing. He'll be the first black president who doesn't really disappoint black people. That's not going. That's going to happen. I'm going to disappoint him. But Obama also is only half black, so you have a shot at being the first full black president. Yeah. Yeah. That works. Works. Yeah. And when you and the cabinet accomplish, as you call it, your four friends. The cabinet's getting bigger all the time. Yeah. That's your entourage, right? When you're the president. Yeah. Type. Yep. I'm a genius. Yep. Which is good. It's true. Cam, what else is going on? Same. Running around, doing shows like that. Okay. Hell, yeah. Everything's good. Everything great. All right. Cam met my dad. My dad was happier to meet Cam Patterson than anyone I've ever met. And he ran up and gave you a hug, and you were so nice to my daddy. You're cool people, man. And then my dad was like, all right, that's done. Where's Heidi? I want to meet Heidi as quickly as possible. Anything else? Cam, everybody loves you. I don't know what's going on tonight. You see him? I'm good. I'm happy. Cam, the only way to get this back is to find a better piece of paper and make that magic trick work properly. The people demand to see good magic. Yeah. Cam, will you do it again with the beer? You can do it this time, Cam. I believe in you. And you know what? Not only are we gonna do that. Can you bring the horse girl up here? We have a young lady named Sarah, Sarah Sloan, who I made a promise to many months ago on the show. She can do the greatest horse impression you've ever heard. I didn't know when I was gonna use her or how I was gonna use her tonight, but I've decided she's gonna make her famous horse noise right now while Cam does the magic trick with a brand new fresh bottle of water and what appears to be yeah, some cardboard. We need to get you a paper before. Okay. Yeah, you're good. That's gonna fail again, you know. Can we use this? Wait, what is that? Just normal. Are those my papers? That's your. I just grabbed that from. Yeah, I'm sorry. What is that? No. What do you need? Cardboard? What is that? I've never even seen this trick before. Cam, you have to believe in yourself. That's the secret. All right. There's no way this is going to work. Make the horse noise. And ladies and gentlemen, you're witnessing it. This is the absolute stupidest comedy show of all time. Make the horse noise one more time. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Let's do a replay of the water with one more horse noise. The horse noise. How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody? One more replay. One more. Watch the monitors while you do it, Sarah. Do a horse noise with the. When it drops. Here we go. And so dumb. Unbelievable. How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody? All of a sudden, we're doing 90s Conan. This is great. Oh, my God. I can't believe we're going to win an Emmy for this episode. By the way, how about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Oh, she's mopping. Can you believe this? All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys want another bucket pool? All right. Oh, this is a very fun name. Make some noise for Daisy Hart, everybody. Daisy Hart is next. Could be the first person to win a golden ticket in an arena. Could be the first regular maiden. Here she is, anyway. Daisy Hart. What the is up, Texas? Happy New Year's, guys. I'm Daisy Hart. I've been hearing everyone's been calling me Daisy Heartless lately. I'm like, ah. I'm sorry, boys. You gotta be at least this tall to ride the ride. Fuck you guys, y'all. I'm from a sundown town. If y'all don't know what a sundown town is, they have a sign that says, if you're brown, turn around. I thought that meant, if you're brown, turn around. You know, hey, whatever, guys. Y'all, y'all could be jealous. I am new to comedy, though. I hear you gotta eat a lot of dicks to be good at comedy. So y'all can start calling me little kamikaze. It's hard to be this bad, Daisy. They're yelling so much. Welcome, Daisy. How long you been on standup? It's been almost nine months. Nine months? All of it here in Austin. Yeah, my first time was with you. So on Kil. Tony. Yeah. Okay. How's it been going? It's been going good. How did it feel tonight? I mean, I was a little scared of this crowd. HB is always heavy on the booing. I think they were scared of you as well. I mean, they should be. I, I got a pretty big package, you know? What do you mean? You know, I, I, I carry a big dick on me usually. What is he. What do you mean? I mean, it's this big. This is big enough to put a lot of the guys in town to shame. So it's all good. Okay, Daisy, I'm going to give you this little joke book. Oh, Jesus Christ. I at least did it. All right, there she goes. Daisy Heart, everybody. This is a real show. There goes Daisy Heart. She's gonna go vote for Kamala one more time. I'm gonna save us all again. I can't help myself tonight. It's just highs and lows, baby. Highs and lows. I'm gonna bring up an ice cold evil legend. A guy that I've been watching close shows forever, whether it be the main room of the Comedy Store or the back of the Mothership. I'm sitting back there. Every set is different. I present to you the return of your favorite comedians. Favorite comedian, this is Brian Holtzman. You guys better get louder than that. For the legend, Brian Oldsman. I just cut Daisy down. She was trying to hang herself backstage. Somebody go check on that. Ain't it great when women try to do men shit? Raising a family, you know, being a member of the community. Stay in your lane, bitch. Learn how to cook. I'm not too happy with the panel. Trump is going to get this Australian. He's the first fucking immigrant that's going to get the fuck out of the country. Oh, did I hurt some of your feelings? Fuck Bob Dylan playing all that silly love songs. I was in a toxic relationship. How long? 18 months. Why did it take you so long to figure out you were in a toxic relationship? Was it when he had his hands wrapped around your fucking throat? Guys know how to get rid of guys quick. We know when guys are dangerous. We get away from them real quick. What's wrong with you bitches? You can't sense danger. What was it when he pushed you out of that slow moving fucking car near the lake? When he spilt his beer in your face in front of your parents? Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Happy New Year. It's a brand new year. Tell all your friends. Tell all your people. You know, stop with the feelings. We don't give a fuck about your feelings. I hope everybody got what they wanted for Christmas and Kwanzaa and Hanukkah and isis. You want to decorate the tree or cut somebody's fucking head off? Yeah. Some are laughing, some can't. Cause you're fucked. I didn't do too well. I got those gift cards again. Give me the fucking cash. Give me the cash. What happens if I want to buy a cock ring? Am I going to find that at Target? Give me that fucking cash. Here's a gift card. Why don't you just shit in my hand? Shit in my hand. Shit in my hand. Give me the cash. What happens if I want to buy a fucking asshole extender? You know, could you see me at Target trying to get an asshole expanded? Well, it looks like a reversed egg beater and it has keys on it. And you crank it and it makes your asshole larger. Do you have it? Oh, who's not laughing at that stupid ass? I got New Year's resolutions too. I'm not lifting up the fucking toilet seat when I pick. I got a prostate problem. I'm not going up and down with the toilet sink. Bitch, turn around and see where that seat is. And if there's piss on it, be a. Be a girl and wipe that fucking urine off. If I hear you need to lift a seat once more, I'm gonna rip the fucking seats out of the whole house. House. I told my mother I'm taking the toilet seats out of the house. It's going to be like the Philippines. No toilet seats. My New Year's resolution. I'm not putting my shopping cart away. You, you should be happy I'm shopping at this store. That's all you people care about is putting shopping costumes. Fuck yourself. I put it away. I put it right in the intersection of the parking lot and wait for the woman to just drive up and say, and sit there. They want to send women to the moon. What are they going to do? Get up there and complain? It's too cold. It's too hot. Where are they going to find women to go to the moon? They're all busy playing fucking soccer. It's a brand new year. It's a brand new start. A clean slate. Just be happy and not have any feelings. We don't give a fuck about your feelings. Feelings go up and down. Feeling. You know, feelings are like a fart. Once you fought, you don't miss that thought. Well, maybe I didn't explain that quite right. I'm not used to playing a whole town, but it's a new. It's a brand new year. I'm optimistic about it. I'm very optimistic about it. I'm even more optimistic about remembering what I was gonna say up here. Hey, shut your mouth. Throw him out. Throw that. Kill Tony. Kill him. Kill him. You probably voted for that, Harris. Yeah, I hope. Trump, Trump, Trump. When he gets in office, he's going to kill everybody in, you know, what was his name? Grave Digger. The big. The big guy. Yeah, yeah, I. Him. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Holtzman, everybody. A legendary set. Make some noise for him, everybody. The great, the powerful Brian Holtzman is back. Let's go back to back chaos. You guys like back to back chaos? Let's do it. I present to you another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a man who needs no introduction at all, but I'm giving it to him anyway in the way of saying that this man will indeed be a citizen of the United States of America. This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. Hey, hey, Bam, check this out, huh? You like this? I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks. Don't you guys. Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full, but he sees Hitler walking, he's like, ah. I've always been flexible. And when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get is, can you suck your own dick? Now, we've all tried every guy here. Even before you could read, you were like infinite energy, a self sustaining unit. And I gotta tell you, I'm pretty close. I can. I can like, tongue the tip. Like, I can like clean myself off, you know, get some of that cheese. Oh, yeah. I've tasted my own calm. Fuck you. It's delicious. I love when women are like, come is disgusting. You bitches do know that what you have down there ain't no creme brulee either. At least my shit has protein. And the future cum is disgusting is a pretty pretentious thing to say when I have a mouthful of pig hiss, huh? I was telling my friend John that I'm pretty close, and my friend John literally looks me in the eyes and he goes, ari, that's because you're doing it wrong. The way you're supposed to do it is you go on your back and you throw your legs over your head. And now you let gravity blub, blub, blub like a fucking oil rig. And I was like, john, I'm not gonna do that because what if my fucking roommate walks in? At least with this. When he walks in, I get to be like, lol. Tried it. You know, but if you walk in and. And I'm full. Richard Simmons. Getting physics involved, that's at least a conversation. Thank you very much. Thank you, hb Matty. Very fun set. Very relatable. We've all absolutely been there. We. We've all tried many different ways to suck our own dicks. A little fun fact. You know, this show's gone a long time. I don't really ever go backwards. I'm not one to reminisce. But Redman did remind me of the time in which he insisted that he could suck his own dick. Yeah. And he said, kill Tony. Yeah. We did it on the show. I couldn't believe it, ladies and gentlemen. How close were you? Well, a fun fact is he took your second approach. He took the. On the shoulders. It's a technique. I did it actually on stage. His hips. That was before I ate like, pumpkins and stuff like that. But that's what I was wondering. I used to be able to touch the tip of it. He wasn't even close, by the way. It was like 17 inches away. I used to be able to do it, but it was just like, oh, you think you could do it right now? How many of you think Red P should try right now? How many do you think for. This is the biggest moment. This has been the biggest year of his life. Two minutes. Madison Square Garden, the LA Forum, the YouTube Theater, Resorts World. Oh. The undeniable co creator of the Joe Rogan Experience. I will show you how much fatter I am. The co host stuff. Kill Tony is about to go to the middle of the stage. It's like his own dad. Oh, Anthony, get all the care cameras ready for this. Oh, my God. Again. We're gonna need a yardstick to measure. He's cracking his back. He's doing some stretches that he's never done before. There is dust coming out of his loins right now. The man is made of. Oh, my God. Wait. You got to do better than that, Red. It wasn't even kind of. This isn't even. You're literally just laying on your back. That's all you're doing. He's got the comedians cheering for him. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. Suck your own cop. Come on. Sucking a suck your cop. It was a different me, man. What happened, Wendy, that was unbelievable. That's frankly the best that could have gone for all of us. I think also by the way, Brian's ass crack a lot cleaner than I expected. He's good at that. He smells better than you would think. And his ass is cleaner than you would think. Ari, how's it going? Good. I got this fucking T shirt. Check this out. Boom. Security unit. I stole it from Walmart. What are you gonna do, shoot me? See this? What is that? I mean, yeah. And the security. And the thing went off. Beep beep beep. The security guy just looked at me like, wow, what a pleasure to be white in this country, huh? That is amazing. That's a cheap clip. Was that the only thing you stole? Yeah, I mean, it was, actually. I was buying a PlayStation controller and it was way overpriced and in the website. And I make my own little math, you know. Hell yeah. If you fuck me on the price, I'll get it back. Absolutely. I have my own little Robin Hood in my head. Absolutely. Little Estonian Robin Hood. Does Estonia have, like, I don't know, fucking like, legendary stuff that they've made? What do you mean? Is there like a Disney of Estonia? Is there like a great. I mean, we haven't had a lot of time. We were born in 1991. Give us some time, Tony. I'm working on it. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. I mean, it's 34 years at this point. You could have come up with something. What have you done? I don't have to do shit. I'm from the United States. You've got a cool flag. Oh, only the comedians, huh? Yeah, the comedians are getting wild. They're starting to realize. Here we go. Okay, Actually, maybe we are one of the more conservative podcasts. I know, guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia. You could pick on a big cool country. How many? Fuck Australia. We're a real country. If there was another big cool country aside from us, we'd fucking pick on it. Yeah. What's happening with those drones over New Jersey? Fucking China getting up in your face. You're all being bitches about them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down, but you're just taking it like a. What are you doing in New Jersey, America? They were smart to pick New Jersey. That's a great point. If that was Texas, we never would have heard that news story. Got him. That would have been the first drone. All right, Ari, you did it again. Thank you so much, Tony. Thank you. Brian, let's go. We're doing the damn thing thank you. Kill Tony. Family. Bye. This show's running long, so, I mean, I don't know, back to back to back chaos. There's only one thing we can really do at this point, cuz. Believe it or not, that's as powerful as a comedy show gets. Three and a half hours of insanity. And now you've earned the final level. I present to you the hall of Famer with the most appearances. The hall of Famer with the most interviews. Whatever you do, you do not want to leave. There's fun stuff happening. As I present to you the Round Rock Robin. The H E B Wasp. This is the Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. Lights out, William Montgomery. My New Year's resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters. Oh, hell no. That's my impression of what the United Healthcare vice president said when they told him he was being promoted to CEO. We don't give a fuck about that healthcare bullshit. Country singer Brad Paisley's wife had a damaged vocal cord that prevented her from speaking for two years. And I'm just trying to figure out how lucky is that fucking guy. Y'all know that bitch be talking. I feel like I've tried every drug and then someone brings up poppers the other day and I forgot about that one. Hey, Redband, what are those like again? It's like a gay drug. I'm insinuating Red Band is gay. Okay, let's keep her moving. You look pretty gay on the fucking ground just a minute ago. Oh, Holy Chad. You're way more flexible than I thought you would be. I just realized the animated cartoon Scooby Doo, Where Are youe? Has a laugh track. Apparently, Scooby Doo was drawn in front of a live studio audience. Okay, that's my time, Tony. I couldn't have said it better myself. The Red Goat. The Ginger Giant. William Montgomery. It's almost New Year's. Yeah. We are living the American dream out here, William. And I think I would like to know, I did come here with four guns in my trunk tonight. I'm staying at the Lana Inn, right down the street, if anybody wants to come. James is coming. Okay. You always go all out for all these big shows. You were dressed up real nice last night. There was an unbelievable outfit tonight. An unbelievable outfit. Is that the New Year's baby? This. I am the New Year's baby. Tony. I am actually going to. Last night I was talking about. Look at all these people that don't like the New Year's baby. It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here, Bo? It's like what am I supposed to fuck you do up here for some of these fucking people, don't he? Last night you were an Asian woman in a kimono and a hat as we see up there. You look beautiful looking at yourself right now. For Kawanda, my sash was falling, but yeah. Tony, it is so nice to be here. Looking forward to 2025. It's on this year. What are you looking forward to in 2025? Well, Tony, I'm actually quitting comedy. I'm kind of sick of it now and I'm going to start working on a train, a locomotive. I'm literally put in the paperwork a couple of days ago, Tony. Why? What? Yeah, I'm going to work at a locomotive. I don't know. A lot of people don't know this kind of behind the scenes stuff. Redband has been really mean to me recently. I'm going to work on a fucking train, dude. I'm done with this. That means you're going to quit. Stand up comedy. Wait, Tony, I was just kidding. I never get it. Going to stop. Stop. You know what I want to do? I want you to stay up here. I want to bring up all the regulars and all the golden ticket winners, if I can, that were on earlier and I want to bring up one more person. One of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin. One of the big reasons why I moved to Austin is cuz I already had friends here. Ron White, Joe Rogan had recently moved here and one of my longest, longest friends, long term friends that I've had in Austin, huge comedy fan and one of the best musicians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring up Austin's own Gary Clark Jr. And let's get out of here with a rock song. Let's all sing it together. We're still an hour 15 away from midnight. So I figure we'll do a rock and roll song with the man himself. Gang Mastiff Kill Tony the Man. Make some noise for Martin Phillips, Liz Splat, Uncle Laser, Aaron Malial, Casey Rocket, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Brian Holtzman, Drew Nickens is here. Valerie Vaughn, Andrew Dice Clay, Sarah Sloan. High lady is here. What a crew. Austin. Make some noise Here come old black top he come grooving up slowly he got you, you up all we want Holy Roller he got head down to his knees Got to be a joker he just do what he please Easy one and one and one yesterday he got to be Satan Love. Yeah. Right now. Over me. Yeah. Last time, last time, last time. Yes. Right now. Make some talking noise with a great parable of this room. Happy New Year, everybody. Appreciate you lovely homies. And in normal tradition, as we go on, we're going to show you the next arena that we're going to goes for sale here. Roll that video. Anthony, we love you. Thank you. Love you guys. That's right, April 5th, the largest arena in Kiltoni history will be Nashville, Tennessee, baby. We'll see you guys there. Gary Clark Jr. Joe DeRosa, James McCann, William Montgomery. The drawings from Ryan J.E. belt and Chris Rogers are in. Let's see him. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for Gary Clark Jr. John Dean's Marcus cake. Unbelievable drawings from Chris Rogers and Ryan J E Belt. The next show said Nashville goes on sale January 3rd, I think at 9:00am Nashville, Austin time. You guys gonna party tonight. Welcome to Austin, Texas, the greatest city in the world, in the greatest country on planet Earth. Usa. Us. Yodie Christie, Notorious Productions. Anthony Brian, tj, everybody. Austin, Texas. We love you guys so much. Thank you. God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night. It.