#707 - JAMES MCCANN

Summary

Kill Tony #707 – James McCann (Feb 18, 2025)

Detailed Episode Summary

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Episode Overview

This chaotic, record-breaking episode of Kill Tony goes down at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, with Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Chris Rogers, and guest James McCann. The night is unusually memorable for the sheer number of comedians pulled from the “bucket,” as the hosts, guest, and audience endure a marathon run of underwhelming sets while searching for a standout “Kill.” Regulars, a golden ticket comic, and even band members provide relief. Along the way, James McCann’s sharply dry wit and the hosts’ relentless roast energy keep spirits high, even as the comedy gods seem absent.

“We are part of history now. This isn’t a normal Kill Tony episode. This is a historically bad Kill Tony episode. And from the corpse, a flower must grow.”
— James McCann (151:10)

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Main Themes and Dynamics

• The Struggle to Find a Standout Act: Set after set fails to impress, leading to more and more comics being pulled from the bucket. The show enters “turbo” mode, creating a sense of running out of gas — and out of patience.
• Surviving the Tedium with Banter: Throughout, Tony, Redban, James McCann, and Chris Rogers roast the comics, riff with the audience, and digress into irreverent banter.
• The Role of the Guest: James McCann is simultaneously dryly encouraging, savage, and philosophical about the onslaught of mediocrity.
• Bucket Lottery in Overdrive: With more than twenty pull-ups, the sheer volume is unprecedented, eventually leading to a collective catharsis when a single solid set finally appears.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• James McCann on Post-War Art (27:02):
  “The civilization falls apart. Man’s inhumanity to man... It’s probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that, but you know what I’m talking about. You go to a museum and it’s all great... and then World War I happens and it’s just fucking nothing.”

• The Federal Witness Revelation (40:10–46:50):
  Mike Po’s unexpectedly harrowing backstory about testifying against his adopted autistic brother’s murderer becomes a dark, unforgettable detour.
  “I’m a survivor or a federal witness to homicide. My adult adopted autistic brother was murdered a decade ago.” (40:40)

• End-of-Rope Banter (151:25):
  “The next great comedian in America is behind that curtain… There might be 154 more people behind that curtain. But I believe that greatness is going to walk out of here tonight.”
  — James McCann

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Major Segments and Timestamps

[04:20] James McCann Joins The Panel

• Introduced as one of the funniest comics working and a likely “guest of the year” candidate.
• Initial riffing about Tony’s love of antiquing and the possibility of Hinchcliffe hosting Antiques Roadshow.

[08:29] Martin Phillips – Golden Ticket Set

• Phillips, beloved regular, opens with a strong, self-deprecating set about cats, big hands, and sympathy cards.
• [12:31] On-stage grip strength test provides comic relief.

[16:50] First Open Mic: Kojak Kareems

• Black and gay comic leans into both aspects; the panel riffs on long-term gay relationships, Philly pride, and antiquing.
• “Half your entire money to get your ass filled with a dick? That is just unbelievable.” (22:02)

[25:10] Jenna Sparrow – Art Podcasting and Sobriety

• Jokes about NFL dating, bruises, and “Nicole Brown Simpson attachment style.”
• Panel discusses art podcasts, early substance abuse, and the perils of owning a pit bull.

[33:39] Various Bucket Pulls – The Drought Begins

• Mike Po (DJ and federal witness) tells his intense life story (40:10–46:50).
• Numerous would-be comics deliver flat or awkward sets, with the hosts and James McCann cycling between encouragement, playful (and sometimes savage) mocking, and existential musings about the nature of comedy.
• [47:28] Aya, golden ticket winner, brings energy and laughter, but the drought resumes.

[58:31+] Turbo Mode Engaged

• The show accelerates through more bucket comics than ever before — most are abruptly dismissed after one clunky minute.
• The hosts reward neither joke books nor indulgent interviews, ramping up the pressure.
• [101:13] “Turbo mode” sound effect intensifies the carnage.

[124:33] Ari Mati – Regular Rescues Morale

• Ari delivers a strong 3-minute set, providing the crowd with a needed boost and hope.
• “Take note, 16 bucket pulls we’ve been through. Nobody had one minute like any minute of your three minutes.” — Chris Rogers

[160:39] Redemption: Mario Zapata Breaks the Spell

• Mario, a porn editor with 11 years of stand-up experience, delivers an above-average (for the night) set.
• He is rewarded with the elusive “big joke book.”
• Reveals getting kicked out of the military for drug smuggling and working in “giantess” fetish porn editing.

[163:03] Exhausted Exultation

• The band, hosts, and crowd celebrate survival and the end of a comedy endurance test.
• Tony: “Congratulations, you got us out of here. Thank you so much. We’re done. Mario Zapata ended it... just okay, but good enough.”

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Additional Notable Quotes

• On the “Record-Bad” Run:
  “No one’s ever had to go through this many bad ‘bucket’ pulls in a month, not to mention an episode.” — Tony Hinchcliffe (157:52)

• On Open Mic Life:
  “Comedy’s hard.” — Brian Redban
  “Comedy is very, very hard.” — James McCann

• On Canadian Healthcare, Death with Dignity, and MAID:
  Ashley Palmer (Canadian doctor), the panel, and Tony get into a real, hilarious, disturbing, and darkly informative discussion about assisted suicide in Canada (142:25–147:24).

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Episode Flow / Tone

• Celebration of Comedy’s Difficulty: The episode is both a test of endurance and an ode to how high the bar really is for stage success—making those moments of brilliance stand out that much more.
• Fast-Paced, Roasty, and Unfiltered: The hosts, band, and guest lean into the disaster and keep the audience onside through relentless riffing and honest commentary, never letting the energy die completely.
• Dark Comedy Detours: From testifying against murderers to tragicomic stories about addiction, to assisted suicide, to porn editing—Kill Tony’s signature for finding the humanity (and humor) in even the bleakest stories is on display.

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Key Takeaways for Non-Listeners

• This episode is less about individual stand-out comedic sets and more about the marathon experience, the exasperated but unbreakable spirit of the hosts and guest, and the inherently risky, unpredictable beauty of live comedy.
• Regulars (Martin Phillips, Aya, Ari Mati) provide large, reliable relief compared to the parade of unprepared or unfunny newcomers.
• James McCann’s presence as both panelist and philosopher elevates the otherwise bleak recurring futility.

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Highlights — Comedians and Moments to Check Out

[08:29] Martin Phillips’ set & grip test (Strong Opening)

[40:10–46:50] Mike Po’s wild autobiographical tale (True Crime Detour)

[47:28] Aya’s set (Golden Ticket Winner Relief)

[124:33] Ari Mati’s 3 minutes (“Proof that it’s possible”)

[160:39] Mario Zapata breaks the spell (“Redemption Set & Interview”)

[142:25–147:24] Ashley Palmer & Canadian assisted suicide discussion

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Quote of the Night

“We’re a part of history now. This isn’t a normal Kill Tony episode. This is a historically bad Kill Tony episode. And from the corpse, a flower must grow.”
— James McCann (151:10)

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Final Notes

If you’re looking for perfect, tight stand-up, this episode is not it. But as a snapshot of the unpredictable, sometimes grueling nature of live comedy, and a lesson in comedic perseverance, it’s unforgettable. Kill Tony’s rock-solid hosts, ferocious guest, and a long-suffering audience prove: sometimes, the journey is the show.
Main theme: Even on the slowest, toughest nights, the search for something real—and funny—must go on.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[Brian Redband]

The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv.

[Brian Redband]

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tickets are on sale for all my

[Chris Rogers]

upcoming stand up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, AKA Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets for sale now for my stand up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All Tickets [e-mail] right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you

[Brian Redband]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up for Tony.

[Martin Phillips]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives? Evie, make some extra. Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed one more time for the best stand band in the land. That's the Kill Tony band, everybody. Brought to you by Valle and Bluechew. That is indeed Grooveline. Horns, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo and Carlos Sosa. Nachos Belgrande. That is big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums. They came here all the way from the Gulf of America to be here. That fucking side of the stage. How exciting. Officially changed on Google just an hour ago. Everyone, I'm here to proudly announce that that bay is now the Gulf of America. That's Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys and D Madness on the bass guitar. How about one more time for the real Marcus King. That was just up here, huh? One of the best musicians in the world here in the live music capital of the world. The live comedy capital of the world.

[Chris Rogers]

And we will be right back. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? All right. Sometimes there's three, sometimes there's two.

[Chris Rogers]

A night like this, it's a one guest show. And the reason why is because this guy is truly one of the frontrunners

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

already for 2025 guest of the year.

[Chris Rogers]

He is one of the funniest human

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

beings on planet earth. His brand new debut one hour special is out right now. It's called hey America. And you can find it on Matt and Shane's stage. Secret podcast.

[Chris Rogers]

YouTube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the funniest human beings in the world. James McCann, everyone. Here he is, James, right here. James McCann, everybody. Fresh off of being the guest in an arena on New Year's Eve here at the HEB Center.

[James McCann]

Are we going to address that during the commercial break? That was the most insane and rowdy back and forward.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would we address that? Because it was during a commercial break, James. You could have said anything just now and it would have been better than can we ignore it?

[James McCann]

It's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because that was a full.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[James McCann]

Weird situation in the commercial break.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a sold out show every week. But yes, that's a good lesson.

[James McCann]

Found out you loved antiquing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's true.

[James McCann]

You think you can just bury that? You love antiquing and we're not all gonna want to talk about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We all love antiquing. When you're a millionaire, you're gonna be into antiquing too, James. It's fun to buy old baller ass in the middle of Texas, let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet.

[James McCann]

Gay rumors floating around was quick to kibosh his love of antiquity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm out. I'm out.

[Chris Rogers]

It's no longer a rumor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm out.

[James McCann]

He would be such a good Antiques Roadshow host as well. It's worth nothing. Get him out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Antique Roadshow with Tony. Antique Roadshow.

[Chris Rogers]

That's it.

[James McCann]

He owns like eight thrones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, James. It's three. It's three thrones.

[James McCann]

Hey, America. Out now on YouTube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Comedy special.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that he can buy a fucking throne, you futon and a coffee table having. Son of a bitch. I think that watches on Today TV on a fucking MacBook.

[James McCann]

We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted. It's a good. It's a good policy.

[Chris Rogers]

James is one of the greatest guests

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in the show's history. He is present.

[Chris Rogers]

He is hilarious and he knows how it works. 200 people, literally 200 exactly. People signed up for tonight's bucket. There are 200 pieces of paper in here. I'm gonna let the shocked Asian girl

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in the front row pick first.

[Chris Rogers]

That one right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I take the piece of paper,

[Chris Rogers]

I pass it along and they go

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and wrangle the person. Red band smells the paper. Because he loves Asian women so much. He really does. He already has one, but just like typical stuff. He's hungry for more Asians. 2030 minutes later,

[Chris Rogers]

that's what it's like. And so while they wrangle that comedian,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

just to let you know, they get

[Chris Rogers]

60 seconds, you know the time is up and you know the sound of a kitten, that means they have to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

wrap it up then, or else they

[Chris Rogers]

bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then that interrupts them.

[Chris Rogers]

I interview them and we talk to them about their life, what could possibly happen to them. We are here with one of the greatest guests in the show's history, the great and powerful James McCann, ladies and gentlemen.

[James McCann]

Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight. Can you feel it? Ladies and gentlemen, good news power tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good news is we have a star of the show to start tonight's show and show you motherfuckers how it's done. Truly undeniably, a lot of people say, including myself, that this is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. At almost 100%, 1000% kill ratio. Here to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I present you a brand new minute from the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

What's up? What's going on? I have big hands. People say there are piano hands, but I don't know how to play the piano. But my hand jobs are ridiculous. I only play in forte, you know. You should see the double crochet,

[Ari Mati]

okay.

[Martin Phillips]

At the card store. It was in the sympathy section, right next to that. Well, it said sympathy dash. Jewish. I was like, so now in a special way, you can tell your friends, I'm sorry you're Jewish. It's a lot, you know.

[Chris Rogers]

So

[Martin Phillips]

I grew up with cats, and I like that cats use a litter box. It's cool. It's like, hey, not only do you have to clean up my shit, but you gotta find it first. So good luck, asshole.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly one minute. Like the pro that he is.

[Chris Rogers]

This is Martin Phillips. How's it going, Martin?

[Brian Redband]

It's good.

[Gary Gia]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

You did it again.

[Martin Phillips]

Thanks.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you have cats?

[Martin Phillips]

No, I do not have stray cats hang out on my patio, but I do not own them. They hang out there.

[Chris Rogers]

Why do you think the stray cats like your patio?

[Martin Phillips]

So I don't know. Or they can't take it out there. I bought them a bed. So now to get out the cool to get out a hookup, I'm the. I'm the plug for the cat. I leave out water, I leave out dreams to get out of the fucking dead.

[James McCann]

Well, that's not them hanging out there. You're luring these cats.

[Brian Redband]

I know.

[Martin Phillips]

It's actually they hang out there. I never see them. They run away. It's like I actually own a cat in a way, if you think about it.

[James McCann]

You got a special cage for them just in case I want to relax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you put a bed out there. What else have you done?

[Chris Rogers]

You put a little fucking. You put a little can of tuna out there.

[Martin Phillips]

No, I don't want. I don't want them to come dependent on me. So I just think water.

[Chris Rogers]

You know, cats eat people after they die. You think that they see you walking in and sense a meal coming soon.

[Martin Phillips]

They gotta find. They gotta find a way in the apartment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Martin Phillips]

Good. Good luck, Mr. Cat getting inside.

[Chris Rogers]

So now your opening joke was about your strength.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that correct?

[Chris Rogers]

The strength of your hand.

[Martin Phillips]

It's how big my hand there is.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh. What do you think?

[Martin Phillips]

I can fit a lot. I can grip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, the crazy thing is in the

[Chris Rogers]

green room of the mothership for the past couple weeks, we don't know exactly how it got there, but there is a brand new grip strength.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would think it was Joe, but no, I was there when Joe saw it.

[Chris Rogers]

He's like, what the fuck is that?

[Ari Mati]

Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then, yeah, he did play with it like it was his own toy. He was very excited. As excited as anyone to ever. He's like, yes, to see a crip strength tester machine.

[Chris Rogers]

And I don't know, what do you think? Should we give it a little test? See what kind of fucking.

[Martin Phillips]

You can't handle this. This art. It's gonna break this shit.

[Chris Rogers]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Retard strength on display here with cerebral palsy, ladies and gentlemen, using his good hands.

[Martin Phillips]

This is for science.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's squeezing it. Oh, my God. Oh, that looks.

[Chris Rogers]

What does it say?

[Martin Phillips]

57.8.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's actually a lock.

[Martin Phillips]

Is it okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's not.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I do the other one maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, try the other one. Give me another drum roll. Big mic on the drums. Whoa, whoa. Here we go. Let's find out what happens here.

[Martin Phillips]

It still says 57. Oh, I don't know if. How do you clear it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here, hit the start button.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, this is retard string.

[Chris Rogers]

Hit the start. But what are you doing? Calculus over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hit the start button.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Bruce Detore]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This fucking guy's using it like it's a goddamn calculator.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, we can start over.

[Mike Po]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like a Jewish guy on tax day over here. What do we got?

[Martin Phillips]

Wait, I don't think I. I don't know what I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy. Unbelievable.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, wait, I think I got it. I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I swear to God. All right, here we go.

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

It's going and it's going. It's going and it's going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what do we got?

[Chris Rogers]

Martin, you only have to squeeze it once.

[Martin Phillips]

It's 50.4.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

Unbelievable grip strength. James, you going to show us what you got over here?

[James McCann]

Okay, but what I'm going to say will sound very racist, but it's not. That was nothing. That was 96. The important thing. No, I saw this.

[Martin Phillips]

I saw this on Stable Asshole, not us. It's tough.

[Chris Rogers]

Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

111.

[Chris Rogers]

It's from Antiquing you.

[James McCann]

I read this on Twitter. This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it that apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength and black guys on average have very low grip strength. I read this and apparently one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes. It's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose. But every black guy. I'm telling you, every black guy in the green room is crushing this. That's not true at all.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're black, Marte.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm just saying I have to sell their grip to a black person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you both do Crip walk sometimes.

[Matt Rivas]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is this? The halftime show? Look at this fucking guy. This is crazy.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool.

[Chris Rogers]

Martin, how is life been going for you? What else is going on?

[Martin Phillips]

It's good. I've been traveling around a lot, doing shows and whatnot and pretty busy. Always, Always going somewhere.

[Brian Redband]

So.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Yep.

[Chris Rogers]

As you could tell by the sound of his voice, he's also now in charge of the health of the United States of America.

[Martin Phillips]

It's working out.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Guys who sound like this are doing well.

[Chris Rogers]

That's true. That is true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the voice of a winner. Martin, you got tonight's show started.

[Chris Rogers]

You are a fucking legend. Everybody loves you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's absolutely killing it. The one and only Martin Phillips. And now it begins. To the bucket we go. We're gonna meet someone all together at once. And that's the show. You know, we find. We found Martin out of the bucket. We found William out of the bucket. Oh, my goodness. It's a lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Such, such beauty that James just missed his mouth with his beer.

[James McCann]

It had nothing to do with Heidi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it did. You just poured a beer on your own chest, you sheddy. Shut up.

[James McCann]

It didn't happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a pervert you are. My God.

[James McCann]

I treat all women with dignity and respect. Let's move on, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ Almighty. What's name with your spilling beer? Because his grip is so weak. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night. A brand new minute. We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Kojak. Kareems, everybody. Kojak. Kareems. Here comes Kojak. Yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Go Birds.

[James McCann]

We got him, baby.

[Brian Redband]

We got him with the tush. Push. It's my favorite move. What's up? Hey, what's good? I'm black and I'm gay. I know what you're thinking, man. Pick a struggle already, bro. Black or gay? Come on. You're hogging the body of pressure for everybody. But imagine being me, right? Half the country's racist, half the country's homophobic. And here I am right in the middle, taking it from both sides. And I'm taking it good, too. I'm like the Geyser Strip. My asshole's being bombarded so much, you think it was a hospital. And all because I like Yemen. Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, man.

[Brian Redband]

Yemen. Hey, you think that was controversial? My Haitian friend is calling for an all out. Geese fire. Geese fire. Okay, go. All right. Thank you. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Kojak, Kareem's, everyone welcome. Black, gay and bad at comedy. I have written down here. It's incredible.

[Chris Rogers]

You got everything against you, Kojak. You are very excited to promote the Birds. The Philadelphia Eagles. Are you from Go Birds?

[Brian Redband]

That's right. Go Birds. Philly.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, we hear you. Are you from Philadelphia?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Philadelphia.

[Brian Redband]

I am.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow. So you have a lot in common with. There we go.

[Brian Redband]

Celtics.

[James McCann]

I thought that was Steelers Nation, baby. There are no gay people in Pittsburgh. Or black people, actually, come to think of it, it's not a big. But that was big for you, The Super Bowl?

[Brian Redband]

Oh, yeah.

[James McCann]

Great. Okay, do the questions.

[Chris Rogers]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

So what's it like being from Philly and basically being Meek Mill without the rap skills?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It just means you're black and gay again. I'm just reminding everybody that you're black and gay. You brought it up.

[Chris Rogers]

Here we go. Do you get any good antiquing lately?

[Brian Redband]

No. I might fly back to Philly for the parade, though.

[Chris Rogers]

You're gonna go back for the parade?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. Maybe post up in a Target.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you go? I imagine you fly around. Oh, you go ahead.

[Brian Redband]

Go ahead.

[Chris Rogers]

Must have something up your sleeve. One big punchline coming up. What is it?

[Brian Redband]

Go ahead.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you fly a lot? To different parades.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, it's fun when the comedy. Anyway, what do you do for Work, Kojak.

[Brian Redband]

I'm a waiter.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, yeah? What are you. Where are you?

[Brian Redband]

Waiting at a fancy steakhouse here in the city.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, Very good. Absolutely. How long you been doing that?

[Brian Redband]

Three years.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[James McCann]

Must be a big steak.

[Brian Redband]

Tomahawk.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you mean?

[James McCann]

She's been cooking that steak up for three years. Must be huge. Wait. It wasn't worse than Geese Fire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't worse than Geese Fire. You are correct. You are correct, Kojak. You live here in Austin?

[Ari Mati]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Chris Rogers]

And what else are you into, Kojak? What do you do for fun?

[Brian Redband]

I play Street Fighter 6 with my boyfriend all day.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

Street Fighter.

[Chris Rogers]

You have a boyfriend?

[Brian Redband]

Damn right. Three years.

[Chris Rogers]

You know what's interesting?

[Brian Redband]

He's Puerto Rican.

[Chris Rogers]

We have a lot of gay guys

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that get pulled out of this bucket,

[Chris Rogers]

but very rarely do we have gay guys that are in a relationship. Most of you guys just stay single and butt fuck everything that moves. It's so interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

[Brian Redband]

Five years.

[Chris Rogers]

Five years. What do you think the secret is to your wild success of having a long term gay relationship?

[Brian Redband]

We play video games together.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, wow. Yeah. You guys put the gay in games. Wow. So you guys just play video games and.

[Brian Redband]

That's Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds awesome, actually. Yeah, it's amazing.

[Chris Rogers]

It's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Red Band. Red band is figuring out his new lifestyle discount at the steak place also. I mean, this is the life.

[Brian Redband]

Come check me out. I'll take care of you.

[Chris Rogers]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He just. He exclusively eats at the restaurant.

[Brian Redband]

At the restaurant. Come to the restaurant. I'll take care of you.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. All right, James.

[James McCann]

It's business and pleasure at that restaurant by the sounds of things. Goodness me.

[Brian Redband]

You suck one dick on accident and they call you gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell me about it.

[James McCann]

You did seem over eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it is exciting. Like I said, there's never a gay relationship.

[James McCann]

Lesbians manage to do it every single time. Exactly, man.

[Chris Rogers]

Lesbians are straight into a relationship. Gay guys very, very rarely. Where would you meet him at?

[Brian Redband]

Back home in Philly. We're both from Philly.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Chris Rogers]

But where in Philly? Like, what were you guys doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see here, Off a website or something?

[James McCann]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redband]

Instagram. You saw me on Instagram?

[James McCann]

Hit me up.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. And then what happened? You're like, hey, come to my place.

[Brian Redband]

I said, hey, come on over. I paid a $50 to Uber them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

You remember that? You remember that part?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. I'd only add a hundred dollars to my name.

[Gary Gia]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

You're willing to spend half of your total correct net worth in order to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

have your correct ass filled with a dick?

[Brian Redband]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is just unbelievable. I gotta tell you, as much as

[Chris Rogers]

we joke about me being gay, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

simply cannot relate to that type of mentality. Half of your entire money?

[Chris Rogers]

Just a. It seems painful.

[James McCann]

Get the Hallmark Channel on the phone, cuz I think that is a love story that they're ready to immortalize.

[Chris Rogers]

Incredible. Half of your money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did he get home?

[Brian Redband]

I spent the other half to get him home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Brian Redband]

Five years we've been together. That's love, baby. Oh, that's love. That's real love.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, okay.

[Brian Redband]

And he doesn't drive. I drive him to work back and forth every day.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, so you're the bottom.

[Brian Redband]

He's younger. He's Puerto Rican.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

[Brian Redband]

Since you made the joke. He takes out the trash every night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet he does. Every night.

[James McCann]

So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of.

[Chris Rogers]

I'm just.

[James McCann]

If you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is your ethnicity?

[Chris Rogers]

Kojak? Kareems.

[Brian Redband]

Ancestry says that I am 70% black and 30% Scottish. Whoa.

[Mike Po]

Wow, look at that.

[Brian Redband]

Those are the numbers.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you think our senior Scottish Correspondent, James McCann is here?

[James McCann]

No, it's just. It's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly. It just seems like a weird combination to happen through the generation. Am I wrong?

[Chris Rogers]

No.

[James McCann]

50. 50, you'd go. I understand that. 75. 25. Even then it kind of checks out. 70, 30 is. You gotta have. It's gotta happen like, four times in different ways. Back and forward. Black and Scottish.

[Chris Rogers]

He's mostly black. He's like Travis Scottish. All right, well, Kojak, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

[Brian Redband]

Let's see here. I got. I got kicked out of Bible college.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why does that happen every week?

[James McCann]

No, I can guess. I'm guessing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, we know why you got kicked out of Bible college, but how

[Chris Rogers]

exactly did they catch you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You drag your teeth? All right, there's the red band, everybody.

[Brian Redband]

All right, all right, all right.

[Chris Rogers]

How did they catch you?

[Brian Redband]

I was the only black kid in all of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guilty.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Get him out of here. There he goes, everybody. Kojak, Kareems, everyone.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. Here you go, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see if you catch, like, a. There it is.

[Chris Rogers]

He's a black guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your next bucket pool. Goes by the name of Jenna. Sparrow, everybody. Or Jenna Sparrow. Sparrow, perhaps. Here's Jenna, everyone. Make some noise for Jenna, everybody.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Hi, everyone.

[Ashley Palmer]

Did.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Did everyone watch the Super Bowl? Yeah, it's like the Christmas of sports, right? I think it is. I actually. We don't celebrate football at my house. Here's a joke that I wrote about my experience. Experience dating an NFL player. How can you tell the difference in between a girl that just fucks an NFL player versus a girl that actually dates an NFL player? It's where her bruises are located. Like fun places. Or like, you know, that's how you know he loves you. Right. Every time I hear a guy say that dating is hard, I'm like, trust me, it could be harder. Try wearing a turtleneck in July. That's very difficult. Okay. No, I have this thing about me. Like, if I love you, I'll put up with anything. It's called a Nicole Brown Simpson attachment style. Attachment style. That's the clinical term, I think. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jenna Sparrow. Hi, Jenna.

[Ashley Palmer]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going?

[Chris Rogers]

How are you?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Good, how are you?

[Chris Rogers]

I'm fantastic.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Hi, guys.

[James McCann]

Hello.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome.

[Chris Rogers]

Welcome.

[James McCann]

James. You do an art podcast?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Yeah, I do. I do an art pod. An art history comedy podcast. Yeah. Called the Bad Art Show. Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

How do you know that, James?

[James McCann]

She said she would have me on, and then she never got in contact ever again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jenna Sparrow]

I'm working on it.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're excited to do this.

[James McCann]

I think I have interesting things to say about the post war period.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Tell us what's interesting.

[Chris Rogers]

Tell us.

[James McCann]

The civilization falls apart.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Man's inhumanity to man. No. Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that, but. No, you know what I'm talking about. You go to a museum. You go to the art museum and, like, you walk in and it's all great. It's like Greek stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[James McCann]

Medieval paintings of little naked children. That's really good. And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing.

[Jenna Sparrow]

I think we know exactly what topic we're gonna cover with you. Yeah. You like anything post war? I've got a whole plan.

[James McCann]

No, I hate it. I'm saying it's bad.

[Jenna Sparrow]

No, we're gonna have you on to talk about how much you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I cannot wait to listen to this podcast. I'm gonna get one of the deepest sleeps that I've had in such a long time. I'm so excited to hear you guys talk about art on walls. Did you know that the Bean was built in Chicago in 1970?

[Brian Redband]

4 derpety derp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[James McCann]

If that art is a couch, though, Tony will talk about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Nothing better than listening to people talk about art.

[Jenna Sparrow]

It's a comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Well, it's a shame your set wasn't. If it's as funny as your 60 seconds. Oh, boy. Remember, sleep is amongst us.

[Chris Rogers]

Jenna, how long you been doing standup?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Almost four years.

[Chris Rogers]

Almost four years? Where at?

[Jenna Sparrow]

La. I started in la. Okay.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. What do you do for a living?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Art podcast. Art comedy podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I do.

[Chris Rogers]

You make a living doing that?

[Jenna Sparrow]

I. I make decent money doing it, yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow. God, that is. Anybody can do anything nowadays. It is absolutely incredible. I love it. What do you do for fun, Jenna?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Well, I'm sober now, so not that much.

[Chris Rogers]

What'd you do?

[Jenna Sparrow]

I come here and put myself in front of you for fun.

[Chris Rogers]

What did you do to. What did you do to. To where you needed to get sobriety? How did you know that you had hit bottom?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Ooh, slow burn. I think being an alcoholic at 15 was probably the first line.

[Chris Rogers]

Holy. How long? What made you start at 15?

[Jenna Sparrow]

I'm from Florida. I feel maybe I should have done that material. You guys would have connected more with it.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you remember what your first drink was? Ooh, mine was a Lynchburg lemonade made by Jack Daniels. It was pre bottled alcohol, and my older brothers let me have one when we were frisbee golfing in Columbus, Ohio. I think I was 13 or 14, maybe 12. And, yeah, I liked the way that it made me feel.

[James McCann]

We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink. It was great. It was a vodka cruiser. Do you have those here?

[Chris Rogers]

No. What is that?

[James McCann]

It's like vodka and pink lemonade. It's very girly drink.

[Chris Rogers]

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[James McCann]

I don't know.

[Chris Rogers]

Girly drinks are how the party starts. Starts red band. What was yours? A bowl of mashed potatoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old Milwaukee. Old Milwaukee. Wow.

[Brian Redband]

In chile.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, my God.

[Jenna Sparrow]

I think I was vodka with, like, orange juice chaser. I think was what it was.

[James McCann]

Breakfast of champions. Well done on sobriety.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're welcome.

[James McCann]

I would never do it. Yeah. But I think it's good.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. You know, how about towards the end? Did you get into anything crazy? Do you do drugs or anything?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Oh, yeah. Well, again, I'm from Florida, so There's a lot of cocaine in Florida. Lots of it. I got a couple of DUIs over the years. There was. There was some stuff that was not ideal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He loves it. D. Madness. Loves A good dui. They pull him over every time he tries to drive. 100%. You're swerving all over. Do you have any old photos that you're trying to get taken down from the Internet or anything like that?

[Jenna Sparrow]

No, I scrubbed it. I scrubbed it.

[Brian Redband]

What?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Brian. Brian, why are you asking that question?

[Chris Rogers]

Disgusting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just a bad person.

[Chris Rogers]

Jenna, tell us more about your life. What else would we find interesting about you?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Well, you hate art, so I'm not sure you're going to find anything about that interesting.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, what else, other than the art podcast? Podcast?

[Jenna Sparrow]

What do I do other than the art podcast? I work out a lot. I like pit bulls. I'm a dog person. Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you like about pit bulls?

[Jenna Sparrow]

They're like a. You know, I like pit bulls because they're like. I like men. Just, like a violent liability.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does that.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Does that make sense? I like a dog that's, like, dangerous. It's great.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. You picked the right 1. James McCann.

[James McCann]

What is the overlap in the fine art world between that and. I think of that as a golden retriever profession. I think of pit bulls as more of, like, Cadillacs bouncing up and down and. Yeah, no. Is that not right?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Yeah, sure. But they're a good dog, you know?

[Chris Rogers]

No, no.

[James McCann]

I think they kill children every year.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Are they legal in Australia?

[Brian Redband]

No.

[James McCann]

They killed so many children. I think they're big parts of the world. You can't get that dog, but you like that. It's dangerous. You have a weird sex thing for the dog.

[Jenna Sparrow]

No, no. I have a girl. I have a girl dog. To be clear. I have a girl dog. You can meet her. She's very nice.

[Chris Rogers]

It's a pit bull.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. And can it be around other dogs?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Not really, no.

[Chris Rogers]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Great. What a great animal to have something you can take outside and scare everybody to death with.

[Jenna Sparrow]

I do have a cat, and it's very good with the cat, so there's that.

[Chris Rogers]

Has your cat been crawling up on Martin Phillips's porch at all?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do we know about this? Do you have a tracker on it?

[Chris Rogers]

Your cat might be sleeping at a tremendously weak gripped man's porch

[James McCann]

anyway.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Yeah, I. Yeah, I don't know.

[Chris Rogers]

I love it. Well, Jenna, congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made your Kill Tony debut.

[Chris Rogers]

There she goes. I'm gonna throw you a little joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it was so close.

[Jenna Sparrow]

I don't know where it went.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So close. Right.

[Jenna Sparrow]

I think you were aiming for my tits.

[Chris Rogers]

I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's a small target, but yes. There she goes. Jenna Sparrow, everybody making Her Kill Tony debut. All right, back to the bucket we go.

[Chris Rogers]

You guys having fun out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Po. Mike Po. Here he is. Mike Po. Everybody makes noise for Mike, everyone.

[Mike Po]

So in addition to struggling to be a stand up comic, I'm also a hack party dj. But that's a lot easier than doing this because being a dj, all I'm really concerned about is touching buttons and looking concerned, holding my ear and pointing somebody in the audience you would hope were connecting with you. That's a lot more difficult to do as a stand up comic, obviously. So in addition to being a dj, I also volunteer for the Unsheltered. And that's where I get most of the funny stories that I talk about. Like the guy who stole my entire bag from me, who I had to track down on the street and explained to me that unfortunately he's on drugs. But Jesus loves him. But 90% of him is on drugs, and only 10% of him is actually taken care of by Jesus. I really, really thought that I was gonna. I was gonna come out here and have a little bit better of a story to tell you about these guys. Sorry. I apologize for that. I really should have been on point here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You made Jenice Pero look like a Richard Pryor up here.

[Chris Rogers]

Good Lord almighty. Just talked about nothing. But you looked hip. You're like an old guy that seems hip.

[Mike Po]

Thanks, man.

[Chris Rogers]

No comedy. You're basically Mark Marin. It's incredible. And you just kind of dress like you're younger. You look kind of cool, and then the words coming out of your mouth

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

are just boring and nothing and complainy.

[Chris Rogers]

And I do this. I. I do this where I hobby.

[James McCann]

But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set? Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive.

[Mike Po]

I wish, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Po]

I didn't do anything impressive.

[Chris Rogers]

There was something that happened.

[James McCann]

Hey, you look after the unhoused, which is not a word I would usually use, but.

[Chris Rogers]

Wait, what are you talking about?

[James McCann]

He said he looked after the unhoused.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you mean by that?

[James McCann]

He means bums.

[Mike Po]

He means street bums where I come from. I volunteered to help the unsheltered.

[Chris Rogers]

Where do you come from?

[Mike Po]

Little Rock, Arkansas.

[Chris Rogers]

Little Rock, Arkansas. Okay. And you still live there?

[Mike Po]

Absolutely. Well, I'm working on moving here part time.

[Chris Rogers]

Why do you want to move here?

[Mike Po]

Because I'd like to be better at this.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. We don't know if we can help

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you It's a tough situation.

[Chris Rogers]

Not everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not everyone has the open.

[Chris Rogers]

We lock the gate sometimes here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For sure.

[Chris Rogers]

No, it's. How long have you been attempting something? Standup comedy.

[Mike Po]

I've done a couple dozen open mics in the past couple of years, and I did a couple dozen about a decade ago.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow, you look like you'd be funny. You have the glasses, you have a red beard. You're like James McCant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See what I did there?

[James McCann]

That was.

[Chris Rogers]

All right, James McCant, I believe in

[James McCann]

you, but step off the look.

[Mike Po]

Step off the what?

[James McCann]

Don't you bite my style friend?

[Chris Rogers]

How old are you?

[Mike Po]

52.

[James McCann]

Wow. You are a great 52.

[Mike Po]

Thanks, man.

[Chris Rogers]

No, he's not.

[James McCann]

I thought you were not a great bag. 40.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're being tricked by a jacket right now, James.

[Chris Rogers]

The jacket is throwing you off.

[Mike Po]

I do love the jacket.

[Chris Rogers]

Mike, what do you do for a living?

[Mike Po]

I'm a dj. For real?

[Chris Rogers]

A real DJ in Little Rock.

[Mike Po]

Event dj?

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. Event DJ in Little Rock. And you do that for a living?

[Mike Po]

Yeah, for 14 years now. Nothing but wow. And MC, I think sponsors more than tell jokes. I'm just like, a host.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, what types of things are you hosting exactly?

[Mike Po]

Lots of festivals. Like in Arkansas, we have like a cornbread festival or we have like a beer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give us an example of

[Chris Rogers]

how you would host a cornbread festival? Like some things that you said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look out there and pretend like you're

[Chris Rogers]

hosting the cornbread festival.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go right ahead.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Mike Po]

Hey, everybody, y'. All. Welcome to the 14th annual Cornbread Festival. I'd like to thank everybody for coming out here tonight. So there's a lot of people in the crowd I can see tell are super excited about cornbread. And I'm one of them because I absolutely adore cornbread. Whether it's with beans or if it's with peas or if it's just by itself. I absolutely adore cornbread. I do not like corn. However, I'm not fond of corn whatsoever. But bread, Bread's where you got me. So cornbread is absolutely one of the most phenomenal things that you could be eating with your mouth right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we found your calling, Mike. You are built for cornbread festivals.

[Mike Po]

Thanks. They didn't give me the gig this year, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. Wow.

[Mike Po]

First time in 35 years somebody didn't honor their confirmation.

[James McCann]

You stick with it. You keep working on that event hosting and DJing. And I believe that one day soon you could be at a, you know, second tier basketball game shooting out a T shirt from a Cannon, I believe in you.

[Mike Po]

Thanks, man.

[James McCann]

I would love, not for the comedy, but for the announcements at events. You smooth. You could host FM breakfast radio. Yeah, you did do that.

[Mike Po]

I could. I did that.

[James McCann]

Yeah. I'm trying to be uplifting here. You gotta help me.

[Mike Po]

You hard? Absolutely, dude.

[Chris Rogers]

Nothing bothers me more than old people trying to be hip. You're 52.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else?

[Chris Rogers]

Like, are you in.

[Ari Mati]

You have a.

[Chris Rogers]

Are you. You have, like, a vinyl record player, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Course, yeah.

[Mike Po]

I've been playing records since 1989.

[Chris Rogers]

Yep, exactly. What else is hip about you? You have, like a fucking unicycle or something like that. What's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your weird form of transportation? I can tell you have one, like

[Chris Rogers]

an electric scooter or something.

[Mike Po]

So I have a news van that I'm selling when I get home because I need to pay for my police van to get repaired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pedophile. Pedophile. I'm trading a van for a van.

[Chris Rogers]

Was that another van? They're coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Catching onto my van.

[Chris Rogers]

I figure if I get a police

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

van, no one will know. Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

That is master lever level pedophilia. Holy.

[Mike Po]

You called it right. I do have a weird vehicle.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. Are you in love right now? Do you have a. You in a relationship or anything?

[Mike Po]

No, sir.

[Chris Rogers]

You've been single for a while?

[Mike Po]

Yeah, nine years.

[Chris Rogers]

You ever been married?

[Mike Po]

No.

[Chris Rogers]

Have you? What's the longest relationship you've ever been in?

[Mike Po]

Four years.

[Chris Rogers]

Four years. Longest ever. 52. Why do you think that is,

[Brian Redband]

man?

[Mike Po]

Just a lot of curveballs in life. It happens.

[Chris Rogers]

What kind of curveballs?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you.

[Chris Rogers]

Can you explain some of the curveballs that you've had in your life?

[Mike Po]

All right.

[Chris Rogers]

Curious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in the.

[Mike Po]

I'm a federal witness.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[James McCann]

What does that mean?

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Are you on witness protection?

[Mike Po]

I'm not protected.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Mike Po]

At all.

[James McCann]

Why are you on.

[Mike Po]

I'm not in hiding either. I wouldn't tell you my name.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, that's all good. Can you just tell us the ballpark of what you're a federal witness about? This seems like a very compelling part of this interview, and I appreciate your open honesty.

[Mike Po]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People are.

[Mike Po]

I'm a survivor or a federal witness to homicide. My adult adopted autistic brother was murdered a decade ago.

[Chris Rogers]

Adult autistic.

[Mike Po]

Adult. Adopted. Like, we adopted him as an adult because he didn't have a family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adopted.

[Mike Po]

And he was on. On the street.

[Chris Rogers]

Adult autistic Y. And he was on. He would.

[Mike Po]

He would love this. He would. Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He would love it. Most of our fan base is adopted. Autistic people adopted it.

[Gary Gia]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

How old was he when you guys adopted him?

[Mike Po]

So he was probably 30 years old or so.

[Chris Rogers]

30 years old, and your parents were like, come on in.

[Mike Po]

Yep. Well, my. My.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My.

[Mike Po]

My mom and my sisters. Yeah, he called them his mom and his sisters.

[Chris Rogers]

Where did they find this guy at?

[Mike Po]

He worked with me at the bar I managed, and one night he didn't show up. And I found out he was in jail and bailed him out and found him a place to live and got him on disability.

[Chris Rogers]

What was he in jail for at the time?

[Mike Po]

In Arkansas, we don't have any renters rights. He was evicted and he didn't check his mail. So he got arrested for being evicted. Right, like forcibly removed.

[Chris Rogers]

So then he got murdered.

[Mike Po]

Yeah, he was murdered in 2014. December 7, 2014.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, tell us about that. What happened there?

[Mike Po]

There was a. The only suspect, we'll say, is a crack pusher. And this suspect's name is Andre Demetrius Smalley Jr. You didn't have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't have to say that part.

[Chris Rogers]

You didn't have to call them out by name.

[James McCann]

What's happening right in this show, you can't find me.

[Mike Po]

But this killer. Yeah, in my opinion, he was. He was pushing crack on him at gunpoint. And he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't leave him alone, and he just kept breaking in the door, stealing his phone and his keys, and extorting us until finally got a warrant, he got arrested, and then he bailed out and murdered him so there would be no case.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

Absolutely incredible. And did he not get in trouble for that?

[Mike Po]

Well, not for a while. But then I became a federal witness after he shot two more people because they wouldn't go to court. So I called every agency possible, and I landed on the atf, and this lady said if I signed an affidavit and I promised to go to court, that because I was involved in a previous crime of his in a federal court, I can get some justice by compelling the judge to hear my story about this person before he sentences him.

[James McCann]

This is a great anecdote, but you might be on the wrong podcast. Yeah, I mean, there are.

[Mike Po]

I don't think so.

[James McCann]

There are quite a lot of truth true crime podcasts out there where this would be a plus level.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is perfect. I love it on this podcast.

[James McCann]

I don't know how you get a laugh out of the crack pusher who.

[Mike Po]

I was just really hoping that the minute that I did before this was better.

[Chris Rogers]

It wasn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, this is this is amazing.

[Mike Po]

I had no idea I was getting cold.

[Chris Rogers]

The minute crazy. It's okay. That's what happens. But this is how it happens. This is part of the magic of the show is the interview sometimes is better than the minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If it was just about people's minutes

[Chris Rogers]

that I wouldn't even do this part of the show. This is the fun part is watching people go through the quick dilemma. Am I going to answer this? How far am I going to go? For a second, you're a federal witness. We don't know anything. The next you're going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andre Demetrius Johnson III, located at 452 Jenkins Street.

[Chris Rogers]

He really exploded there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here he is. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Gentlemen, the guy that. This is the man that murdered his brother. Everybody, this is Demetrius Andres Gallagher iii, everybody, AKA D Madness. He's out on bail.

[Chris Rogers]

There you go. So this guy's in prison now for life?

[Mike Po]

No, we just, we just got him nine years for that. So he was just recently released and I, I went to San Francisco and then I came here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, hold on, hold on.

[Chris Rogers]

You're telling. When did he get out of prison?

[Mike Po]

Last month? No, December 21st.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And this guy knows for a fact

[Chris Rogers]

that you're the one that put him in prison, right?

[Mike Po]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He was in shackles when his wrists and ankles screaming my name as the bailiffs pulled him out of the courtroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. And he just got out in December?

[Mike Po]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you know where he is?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know where he resides?

[Chris Rogers]

He lived in Little Rock before, right?

[Mike Po]

Oh, is. Is parole probation officer called me, said I can't really have that information, but I kind of know a little bit.

[Chris Rogers]

You might have a bit of an idea and is it around where you kind of live?

[Mike Po]

I mean, it's, it's probably better for me to, to not look for him too much.

[Chris Rogers]

Well, I'm not saying you should look for him. I'm wondering if he, he is looking for me. For you? Yes.

[Mike Po]

I mean, if I'm being real honest, I think the guy's probably been in prison for nine years. He's a six time felon. He's going to create chaos wherever he goes. I don't think he's looking for me specifically like on the streets looking for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is very optimistic.

[Mike Po]

But you see that I'm not in my city as well. Like I don't want to run into him at a Kroger or at a stoplight or you know, NA meeting or where, you know, wherever, you know, you

[Chris Rogers]

go to NA Meetings?

[Mike Po]

No, I was just making some shit up.

[Martin Phillips]

But.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Mike Po]

But I don't want to run into them anywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mike Po]

Honestly, you know, like, that's. That's not somebody I want to see. So I just decided to move.

[Chris Rogers]

You decided to move from Little Rock?

[Mike Po]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Chris Rogers]

And okay, wow, that's also interesting. But you just called him out on a podcast that is aired out everywhere.

[Mike Po]

Sure did. I called him out in court, too.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, there you go.

[James McCann]

Well, we've got to get him on the show for a right of reply.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And here he is. Mike, here's a little joke, bug.

[Mike Po]

Just don't tell my mom, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She might find out.

[Chris Rogers]

It's all good. You're good.

[James McCann]

This is a very popular shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know?

[James McCann]

This is a very popular shot.

[Mike Po]

There's no way he's watching.

[Chris Rogers]

Well, but he might get told. He might.

[Mike Po]

I would love that.

[Chris Rogers]

You would love that?

[Mike Po]

Absolutely.

[James McCann]

Well, we all have to make our decisions and stand by them.

[Mike Po]

We do.

[James McCann]

And it was a pleasure having met you.

[Mike Po]

Thanks, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Mike Poe, everybody. On to the next time. There goes Mike.

[Chris Rogers]

It's unbelievable, the people's stories that we get out of this show. Out of this bucket. That's a. There he goes, everybody. There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen. That guy could be right in the alleyway right now. I mean, geez Louise. Mike Poe just got shot, everybody. He's dead now. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner on the show. She's only been on it a couple times here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Aya, everybody. Ayah is here.

[Aya]

My mom's Muslim, but she, like, she still likes to have a good time with me. So sometimes we'll go out for mocktails, and she'll always order for us. She'll be like, hey, waiter, two virgin mojitos, please. And I always have to secretly find him and be like, hey, dude, leave the cum in my drink,

[James McCann]

please,

[Aya]

Please. And she hates that. She thinks I'm a slut. She thinks I'm a slut cause I don't carry pepper spray. She thinks I'm making it too easy or something. But I have a cousin. She's intersex. She was born with a penis inside her vagina. Now that's a fucking slut. Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

absolutely. Unbelievable. Aya has done it again. One of the funniest jokes of the night so far.

[Chris Rogers]

Making fun of your own dear sister.

[Aya]

No, cousin.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, cousin.

[Aya]

Yeah, but she is like a sister to me. You're right.

[Chris Rogers]

There you go. Or a brother. Depending on.

[Aya]

Yeah, she. She can do it all.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. So that really happened.

[Aya]

Oh, no, I. I made that up.

[Chris Rogers]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great premise. I love it.

[Aya]

Yeah. But I. My cousin, she told me she was born with her vagina, like, locked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Aya]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. There any safecrackers out there?

[Aya]

So they had to, like, cut it open and stuff?

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. And there was a whole vaginal hole on the other end.

[Aya]

Yes.

[Chris Rogers]

It was kind of sealed off.

[Aya]

Yeah, it was sealed like. Like yogurt or something.

[James McCann]

That's got to be a. That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though.

[Aya]

Yeah, it is, it is, it is.

[James McCann]

You don't have to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you. You just.

[Aya]

Yeah, it is nice. Let your husband open it up for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Aya]

Cute. Romantic.

[Chris Rogers]

Absolutely. Get the party started.

[James McCann]

I. It was so funny. I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought.

[Aya]

That's actually pretty sad. That's scary. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

[Chris Rogers]

Yep, yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was.

[Chris Rogers]

There wasn't a vagina locked up there and it was a human being.

[Aya]

Yeah. Like, imagine they put him in there. They put him in her. No. I'm sorry. But yeah, see you.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aya.

[Chris Rogers]

Naturally funny. Ridiculously likable. How's life going, Aya? Tell us about it.

[Aya]

It's good. I just had a birthday party this past weekend.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, that's nice.

[Aya]

It was so lit. I was, like, making pizzas for my family and my mom made okra pizza. It was so cute.

[Chris Rogers]

Okra pizza?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Aya]

Like, it wasn't even on the menu, but she just made okra and she was like, I want it on my pizza. Put it on my pizza. And I put it on her pizza and it was good.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow, that is just an absolute Muslim party if I've ever heard it before.

[Martin Phillips]

Mm.

[Aya]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Okra pizza. And then how else do you celebrate a birthday?

[James McCann]

You get.

[Chris Rogers]

You Muslims. Do you have, like, instead of candles, do you have, like little World Trade Centers you put on the cake and you light on fire or something like that?

[Aya]

Yeah, no, that's for my second birthday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Aya]

I'm older now. I'm not. I'm not even. I don't even think I'm supposed to celebrate birthdays. My parents are bad. Like, they're sneaky. They let me do a lot of things.

[Chris Rogers]

They be like that.

[Aya]

They be like that. They're cool, they're chill. They're not. They're not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very, very strict. Tough, demanding.

[Aya]

Not like that. They're just like. They're just foreign. That's it. Like. Like, I don't know. Like, they just text me spam message. It's like. It's. I don't know. Like, my mom texts me prayers all the time, like I'm God. Like, I don't know what to say to this. Yeah, but it's. I love them and they love me a lot.

[Chris Rogers]

Are they very religious?

[Aya]

Yeah, but they're. But I think it's good for them.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you mean by that exactly?

[Aya]

It's like, it's. It gives them peace of mind.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Aya]

And that's. Everyone wants that.

[Chris Rogers]

And it stops them from doing terrorist attacks or something.

[Aya]

They don't have that urge. Surprise. No, no, no, no. They're. I have, like, my bloodline. Our blood is really nice and sweet.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Aya]

Other people come from different bloodlines.

[Chris Rogers]

Like who?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We can name a race that comes from a different bloodline.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Aya]

No, no, it's not even a race.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Aya]

I think it's just they have filthy blood.

[James McCann]

And you have the pure blood of the.

[Aya]

No, I just have sweet blood.

[James McCann]

Sweet blood.

[Aya]

Sweet blood.

[Chris Rogers]

Like mosquitoes like it?

[Aya]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Red band. You're a vampire. What do you think about all this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, she's saying she has a good family.

[Brian Redband]

Like.

[James McCann]

No, she likes to get choked and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there you go.

[Aya]

Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them.

[James McCann]

Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?

[Aya]

No, no, no. I come from, like, regular people. Like, I'm not like, royal or anything.

[James McCann]

Are you Persian?

[Aya]

No, no, I'm Moroccan. I'm African.

[James McCann]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's filthy, evil blood. No, it's not.

[Brian Redband]

I don't know.

[James McCann]

I don't know. I'm just. I'm just kidding. I'm just having fun.

[Aya]

I can tell by people's eyes, their bloodline. Like. Like, Tony, you have very blue eyes. And that's like. That's not royal. That's like peasant. Yeah, that's peasant eyes.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Aya]

And. But I have black eyes, so I don't know, they're kind of scary.

[James McCann]

This is like word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once. That's really what's in my blood.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Aya]

I don't know. I don't know. I'd have to check it.

[Chris Rogers]

But look at James's eyes. Tell him.

[Aya]

James's eyes are, like, regular. Like, you're just like one of the people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So wait, I'm just a fucking peasant over here?

[Aya]

No, just your bloodline, your eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This doesn't make Any sense. This is why nobody likes Muslim people.

[Aya]

That is not true. Like, I don't know. Wait, does. Does Donald Trump like Muslim people?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course he does.

[Aya]

Okay. No, because my, like, Muslim people like Donald Trump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Aya]

Because he's, like, the first president who doesn't have, like, a dog in the White House.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they. They.

[Aya]

Muslims don't like dogs in the house.

[Chris Rogers]

True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He doesn't play games like that.

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah.

[Aya]

Angels are back in the White House.

[Chris Rogers]

That's right. What do you mean? Wait, what do you mean by angels?

[Aya]

So, like, if you're, like, Muslims believe if you have a dog in the house, then the angels get scared and leave.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow. That is unbelievable. I just learned so much about. That's crazy.

[James McCann]

What a fake religion. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say, angels hate you.

[Aya]

They're just scared.

[James McCann]

Catholics would never do that. We've done other stuff, but we would never make that. We would never make that particular mirror mistake. I'm sorry. We need to go back and take over the Holy land again so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets.

[Aya]

No, we want them on the streets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're good on the streets.

[Aya]

Yeah, that's where we want them.

[Chris Rogers]

Street dogs.

[Aya]

Street dogs? Yeah, like the street hot dogs. But they're alive and they're walking.

[Chris Rogers]

Yep.

[Aya]

And not for sale.

[Chris Rogers]

That makes sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Ayah.

[Chris Rogers]

An unbelievable new minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We loved it. One of the young, rising legends of the show. And now back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, because your next bucket pool goes by the name of Gary Gia everyone. Or Gary Gia, perhaps. It's Gary everyone.

[Gary Gia]

Just found out I have fucking peasant eyes. Yeah. So I just moved here from Alaska. Yeah. What the fuck is right, dude? I never understood why people would have sex with animals. And then I moved 99 miles away from the closest hinge profile can be checking out this salmon. Like, oh, so you're a Pisces, huh? Wait, you got how many kids kind of smell like my ex girlfriend? Yeah, but I love my ex. I love my ex because we had chemistry, you know, we knew what we liked. We love rough sex. So I agreed when we're in the bedroom that our safe word is the N word. No, because I won't even say that shit behind closed doors, man. You know, like, fucking anything goes, baby. You know, like, that's a terrible word. I obviously shouldn't even joke about it. Every time she said it, I just slapped her again. Just, you know, I'm about to be 40, which is cool. This old lady, she's told me that I had a very nice skin complexion and I was like, you want to know my secret? Omega threesomes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Holy shit. We have some real fucking unbelievable bucket pulls here tonight, Gary.

[Chris Rogers]

How's it going, Gary?

[Gary Gia]

Dude, if I had a tail, it would be wagon. I am so happy to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're happy still after that performance?

[Gary Gia]

Oh, God damn it.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

How long you been doing stand up for Gary?

[Gary Gia]

Well, funny you should ask, Tony. I started maybe about like seven or eight years ago, and then I bombed really bad, so I took a break. So I've been doing it for about two years all together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did it seven or eight years ago. And how long did you do it before that big bombing?

[Gary Gia]

About a year.

[Chris Rogers]

About a year. And then you bombed so hard that you took a few years off. What happened during that bombing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How bad could it have been compared

[Chris Rogers]

to what the we just saw.

[Gary Gia]

God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That your tail would be wagging about?

[Gary Gia]

No, I. I mean, like, I really picked up some steam. I was doing very good in stand up comedy and then I was just like at a fucking huge show with a bunch of fucking old people. And now I was talking about having sex with like kids and stuff, which is still not funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it can be.

[Gary Gia]

It can be funny, it can be funny. But it wasn't done that well, Right?

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. Gary, are you gay?

[Gary Gia]

No. I get that a lot.

[Chris Rogers]

No shit.

[Gary Gia]

Yeah, yeah. Fucking A, Yeah. Dude, like, seriously, I started working this job and yesterday I came in with a girl and like my co workers were like, oh, my God, I think I thought he was gay.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, yeah, I can see that.

[Gary Gia]

No, no, I'm. I'm hella straight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, am I this guy. It's the blue eyes.

[Brian Redband]

No, D. Madness.

[Gary Gia]

Stay on my side. I'm straight. You can like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, D decided long ago. I saw. I saw D. You're not looking at anything right now. It's okay.

[James McCann]

Making fun of a blind man.

[Mike Po]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Good God.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gary, relax. Gary.

[Chris Rogers]

D. Madness is pissed right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is homophobic as hell. So, Gary, let's talk about it.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you do for a living?

[Gary Gia]

I am a restaurateur, so I work at restaurants, but I do like high end. I'm not like some selling mozzarella sticks and chicken wings and, you know, so.

[James McCann]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Brian Redband]

Why you look over here when you say that?

[Matt Rivas]

I'm trying to figure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Gary, so you're a restaurateur. So do you own a restaurant?

[Gary Gia]

No, no, I am a server at a restaurant off of south first called Nomade, which does like Yucatecan style food is crazy. Quite fantastic.

[James McCann]

Like the video game. Sorry, no, what? What did you say?

[Gary Gia]

So, like, the Yucatecan Peninsula by like Guatemala people all my size, but it's like. Yeah, it's a different style of Mexican food.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for fun, Gary?

[Gary Gia]

I'm into like backpacking, nature and like that. I like to play high stakes poker on like lsd, like very small amounts of hallucinogens, and then played very high stakes poker. Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're good at it. Yeah, dude.

[Gary Gia]

Yeah, dude. I played the World Series of Poker on like four hits of acid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how did that go for you?

[Gary Gia]

Not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, but when you have done good, what's the best you've ever done?

[Chris Rogers]

It?

[Gary Gia]

Yeah, so the most I won in like one hand was $32,000.

[Chris Rogers]

What's the most you've lost in one hand?

[Gary Gia]

$16,000. Almost about half of that.

[Mike Po]

Right.

[Chris Rogers]

Overall, in your Texas hold' Em or poker playing life, how far up or down do you think you are?

[Gary Gia]

I'm definitely over 100k.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Up, up.

[Gary Gia]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Chris Rogers]

That includes the buy ins for these tournaments and everything?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, sure.

[Chris Rogers]

Or are you just tripping on LSD and you think you're doing good?

[Gary Gia]

No, this is the highest I've ever been, but I'm sober. But yes, like, you can, like, track your stats online. You could look my name up online and I have like, results like about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like a year ago.

[Gary Gia]

Two years ago, I took first place out of 643 people and I won 30. No, $28,000.

[Chris Rogers]

All right, Gary.

[Gary Gia]

Oh, fuck, dude. Like, that's.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you still live in Alaska?

[Gary Gia]

No, I moved here about three months ago.

[Chris Rogers]

What made you want to move here?

[Gary Gia]

Pretty much like, stand up, this show. You know what I mean? Like, this is a fucking mecca of comedy. This is great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, we're up big time.

[Gary Gia]

We are up. This is not going how I did on my vision board. This is not great here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redband]

You know, I thought it was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Redband]

Can we spice this up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we spice this up? My vision board said it's gotta go better. Jesus Christ, Gary.

[Gary Gia]

You motherfuck.

[Chris Rogers]

You make me look like

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

something. Someone tough, somebody real tough. And yeah, you make me look like Freddie Mercury. All right.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, Gary, tell us something interesting about your life. You have your entire life to reference here. Something that's happened to you. Something that have maybe formed or, you know, like, tell us how you ended up the way you are?

[Gary Gia]

Yes. Well, I was born this way, But I have so many stories, right? I got stories out the ass, like I've seen.

[Chris Rogers]

But you have stories up your ass too. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you tell one, Gary, Instead of telling us you have stories that's

[Chris Rogers]

like you telling us that you have jokes.

[Gary Gia]

No jokes. No jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All stories we know.

[Gary Gia]

So, yeah, let's see. I. I saw an alien one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. All right.

[Brian Redband]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna keep it.

[Gary Gia]

Yeah. So do you want to hear it or no? No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How fast can you tell it?

[Gary Gia]

I could tell. I could tell it. So I was about 14 years old. I'll catch. I was about 14 years old and it was about 2 in the morning and I was just laying down watching tv, and all of a sudden I was paralyzed. And I saw this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, that's it. There you go. Gary Gia, everybody. Gary Gia. We gotta keep it moving. Some of these people have nothing to them whatsoever. However, you gotta love it, Gary. Sign up again. Best of luck next time. Jesus Christ. An alien story. Why don't you tell us about a dream you once had?

[James McCann]

Boy, you never know what you're gonna get down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Matt Reavis. Matt Reis.

[Matt Rivas]

Hey, my name's Matt. You guys ever met a Mexican Jewish person before? Yeah, I got a cousin, dude. He's Mexican and Jewish. His name's Kike. Spelled Kike for some people. I don't know why. I love Keeks, man. Like, he's so Mexican. He works construction. But so Jewish. He only accepts payment, like bonds and shit. He's a genius, man. He's an entrepreneur. He did all this while managing a coffee shop called Hebrews, bro. He's so Mexican and Jewish, dude. He built tunnels for both sides. Imagine a Narco with a gold gun and some pigtails. Jesus Christ. I love Keeks, man. Keeks is dope. Keex is chill as fuck, you know, we're older now, you know. He's an idiot. I try to ask him about his whole take on the Israel thing. You know what he said? He's like, oh, yo, Israel. Yeah, in the back right now, he's making tortillas. Yeah, man. You know, man, I'm a simple man, you know? I'm gonna end it there. I'm done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt Rivas, talking about his Mexican, Jewish,

[Chris Rogers]

was a cousin or a friend. What'd you say?

[Matt Rivas]

Just a cousin.

[Chris Rogers]

Cousin. Is it real?

[Matt Rivas]

Nah, man.

[Chris Rogers]

It's just a bit, right? How Long you been on stand up?

[Matt Rivas]

About three years.

[Chris Rogers]

Three years. Where are you from?

[Matt Rivas]

Here from Austin, born and raised. Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you do for a living?

[Matt Rivas]

I work at a smoke shop.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Matt Rivas]

Here in town? Right down the street.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. That's how long you been doing that for?

[Matt Rivas]

Actually, I'm about to start tomorrow, man. I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You haven't even started yet. Absolutely incredible.

[Chris Rogers]

Do they know that you're going to start working there?

[Matt Rivas]

Yeah, yeah, actually, I talked to them today, smoked a blunt with them. They're like, you're hired.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Matt Rivas]

I was like, oh, really? Like, that's it.

[Chris Rogers]

Amazing. When's the last time you had a job before tomorrow?

[Matt Rivas]

Like a. Like a week, man. I got fired on my day off, like two weeks ago.

[Chris Rogers]

You got fired on your day off a couple weeks ago? Where was. What was that job?

[Matt Rivas]

It was. I was a server at this waffle shop.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Matt Rivas]

It's not Waffle House, guys, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, the Waffle House.

[Chris Rogers]

You'd be the fucking CEO. It was just a random Austin waffle shop.

[Matt Rivas]

Yeah. I don't want to shout them out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Matt Rivas]

You know, it's just. It's a spot. It's like a ran by a bunch of Mormons. They're cool people. They're great People fired me, though.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. What did they say they fired you for?

[Matt Rivas]

I didn't show up for work one day.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. And then that'll do it.

[Matt Rivas]

You know how it is. You know how it is.

[James McCann]

No, no, I do know how.

[Ian Shark]

Y' all never got fired before?

[James McCann]

No, I've been fired from.

[Matt Rivas]

Nobody's gotten fired.

[James McCann]

I've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time. I was at Subway, I was at McDonald's. I was at some ones you don't have over here.

[Chris Rogers]

Like what?

[James McCann]

Billy Baxter's Cafe. It was run by Chinese people and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe. And it was just like six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me. They owned it. They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy. Who can't be charismatic enough, were they. Who's laughing now? Billy Baxter's Cafe? No, they went out of business.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that was in Australia.

[James McCann]

Sweet Adelaide, Australia. But I think I believe in. I think you're a charismatic man.

[Brian Redband]

And you.

[James McCann]

I think you can do better than a smoke shop. I think you'll go further than that.

[Matt Rivas]

Thank you, man. I appreciate that.

[James McCann]

Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing. I don't like them.

[Matt Rivas]

They're a little unsettling.

[James McCann]

They're fucking in vans all over the street peddling marijuana to young people. Have you seen. I thought it was illegal in Texas. And they're standing on the street trying to get people high. That's a pusher. Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother. I like the set.

[Matt Rivas]

Appreciate you, man.

[James McCann]

You're welcome. You were the first act in a long time that I wasn't worried was gonna die soon or was currently trippin.

[Matt Rivas]

That was me last time I was up here.

[James McCann]

I'll take over. So you've done it before. What did we have you do last time you're on the show?

[Matt Rivas]

I was actually tripping, man. I was literally tripping.

[James McCann]

Oh, you crazy player.

[Matt Rivas]

I know. Hey, you right. You right. You right.

[James McCann]

Do you have a. Do you have a girlfriend or anything? You.

[Matt Rivas]

I did.

[James McCann]

What happened?

[Matt Rivas]

I'm not talented enough in the bedroom? How'd you know?

[James McCann]

Come on, now.

[Matt Rivas]

Takes one to know one.

[James McCann]

No, I'm terrible. Right there.

[Matt Rivas]

Get it, bro. This guy gets it.

[Ian Shark]

He gets it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it the Billy Baxters in Arena Fair?

[James McCann]

No, it closed down. It was in Adelaide Arcade. Why have they still got one there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we happen to read a Yelp review from Billy Baxter's Cafe. The food is consistently good.

[Chris Rogers]

The breakfasts are terrific, but, oh, my goodness, the coffee is bad.

[Brian Redband]

Jesus.

[Chris Rogers]

Two stars. It's weak, gray, soapy, and unpalatable. A double shot results in brown coffee, but bitter to the point of being undrinkable. Does the machine need a good clean out? Does the staff need lessons in temperature control? A weird, chubby redheaded man in a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

beard greeted us, which is strange because

[Chris Rogers]

it seemed to be owned by Asian

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

women who angrily stared at him from the front windows.

[Chris Rogers]

Two stars.

[James McCann]

After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it. You stitched me up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have to admire how long it takes red band to type words properly.

[Chris Rogers]

I said, billy Baxter Cafe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yelp.

[Chris Rogers]

I look over. He. He goes, there is nothing. And I look and it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He typed in Billy Bass. Literally just B, A, S, S. So

[Chris Rogers]

we had a whole thing here. It's really tough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then he spelled Baxter, or at

[Chris Rogers]

the end, there's a lot that goes on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a thankless job hosting this constantly sinking ship.

[James McCann]

I was having great fun.

[Chris Rogers]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The band plays while the ship sinks. It's the Titanic. All right, you nerd.

[Chris Rogers]

What are you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're Mexican, right?

[Matt Rivas]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

100.

[Matt Rivas]

I'm 95. I'm a little Asian, a little Japanese.

[Chris Rogers]

Little Japanese. Look at that.

[Brian Redband]

Barely.

[Matt Rivas]

Barely. You see the eyes?

[Chris Rogers]

So you love all kinds of rice, is that correct?

[Matt Rivas]

Dude. Now? Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. What are your parents like?

[Matt Rivas]

Like, they're all. They're both Mexican, like me. It's just like one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does your dad do for.

[Ian Shark]

Works.

[Matt Rivas]

He works for the city, actually.

[Chris Rogers]

What does he do for the city?

[Matt Rivas]

He's like a. He's like an HR representative for like the APD and stuff. Stuff like that.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, wow. That's incredible. How about your mom? What is she?

[Matt Rivas]

She works for the state.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow. Look at your governmented up family.

[Matt Rivas]

I know, I know. It's crazy, right? Doing this.

[Chris Rogers]

What else do you do for fun, Matt?

[Matt Rivas]

Smoke weed?

[Chris Rogers]

That seems like a thing. How old are you?

[Matt Rivas]

24.

[Chris Rogers]

24. That makes sense.

[Matt Rivas]

About to turn 25 in a few months.

[Chris Rogers]

Well, yep, that's how age works.

[Matt Rivas]

I know.

[Chris Rogers]

You'll never believe what happens after that. Oh, another birthday about a year later. Yep. Just a few months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Chris Rogers]

Well. Nothing else. Crazy about you, Matt. I'm getting a feeling that I'm close to finding something out, but I'm not asking. You ever been arrested?

[Matt Rivas]

Me? No, I haven't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me. You don't get that very often here. Wait, who, me? Suspicious answer. Yeah, you're the one being interviewed.

[Matt Rivas]

No, no, I would never get. Get arrested. Why would I. Why would Matt get arrested?

[Chris Rogers]

What?

[Matt Rivas]

No, I would never get arrested.

[James McCann]

You talk about yourself in the third.

[Matt Rivas]

I did, I did.

[James McCann]

That might have been what was missing.

[Gary Gia]

You.

[James McCann]

Do you often talk about yourself in the third person?

[Matt Rivas]

When I feel uncomfortable, yes. When he feels uncomfortable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Matt, there's nothing else crazy

[Chris Rogers]

we should know about you before I get. Get you out of here?

[Matt Rivas]

Nothing much, man. Just doing comedy, trying to stick with it. Working.

[Chris Rogers]

You're not working tomorrow?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tomorrow.

[Chris Rogers]

Starting at a smoke shop?

[Matt Rivas]

Yes.

[Chris Rogers]

Which is literally nothing.

[Matt Rivas]

No, they sell weed and stuff. It's nice. Nice?

[James McCann]

Nice.

[Matt Rivas]

It's classy, established. It's on Fifth Street. Classy.

[James McCann]

You know, there are no classy smoke shop. There's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated. She's going to fall down.

[Chris Rogers]

Or it's a woman that looks like James.

[James McCann]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You go to the east side, these chicks get hairy.

[James McCann]

It's what marijuana can do to you. I want you to turn your life around. Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down.

[Matt Rivas]

I can't imagine. Look at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you like to do after

[Chris Rogers]

you get super duper high? What are Some things that you do.

[Matt Rivas]

Big munchy guy. Big munchies. Love eating munchies. Make stupid ass sandwiches.

[Chris Rogers]

Like, what. What's a stupid?

[Matt Rivas]

I made a. Like, I like to get Spam, you know, custom Spam up, put a sliver, a craft single on there. Toast some bread, wheat bread, preferably. Better for the digestive system, you know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

not really, but go ahead. Literally not.

[Matt Rivas]

And then I put. I like to put some honey mustard, maybe some Dijon mustard on there, you know, Maybe a little mayo.

[Chris Rogers]

Just a little.

[James McCann]

You said that was a crazy sandwich. That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described.

[Matt Rivas]

Well, we don't. We don't eat that on a regular basis here, you know? Where are you from again? I'm sorry.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm sorry.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Matt Rivas]

I don't know.

[Chris Rogers]

A Spam sandwich is a delicacy in Australia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Matt, here's a little joke book.

[Chris Rogers]

Not a lot of catches tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did it. Hi. Hi. And by Matt Reavis. All right.

[Chris Rogers]

It's an interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've given out no big joke books tonight. A fun fact. Zero big joke books. Only the golden ticket winners have pulled their weight tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Shiva. Ari. Shiva. Ari.

[Brian Redband]

Howdy. Little bit about myself. Watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn? Yes. Good, good, good. I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos. Yeah. But I'm. I'm reading the comments. That's kind of where I'm at.

[Bruce Detore]

You know what?

[Brian Redband]

The one thing I do like about porn. The one thing I do like about porn, nobody, and I mean nobody is ever. Like, the book is better. I do like that about porn. Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine. Right? Like, that's. I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're not. We're not sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things. Right? Like, if you want to describe millennials, we're kind of like the Generation, like, eating ass and peanut allergies. That's. That's us. What? You gotta hope hopefully those two rows don't cross. Right? That's like Tony having to go to the hospital because Red Band ate a peanut butter sandwich, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'm gonna stop you right there. Shiva. Shiva, welcome.

[Chris Rogers]

You've been on the show before?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, twice. Twice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

Yes, sir.

[Chris Rogers]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome.

[Chris Rogers]

That was something. How long have you been on standup.

[Brian Redband]

Ten years coming up right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God almighty, this is a wild night tonight.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you do for work?

[Brian Redband]

The. Pretty much this, man. Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

You make a living doing this?

[Brian Redband]

It's not a living.

[Chris Rogers]

But how do you survive?

[Brian Redband]

I'm alive.

[Chris Rogers]

How do you survive? How do you pay your rent? How do you get food?

[Brian Redband]

What is rent?

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, how. Yeah, so tell us about that.

[Brian Redband]

I don't really pay rent.

[Chris Rogers]

How do you not pay rent?

[Brian Redband]

Parent house, Girlfriends.

[Chris Rogers]

You stay at the parents house still?

[Brian Redband]

No, no, no, no, I'm here now. Yeah, I live here.

[Chris Rogers]

You are here now?

[Brian Redband]

Yes, sir. You are here like at the mothership? Yes, sir.

[Chris Rogers]

How do you, how do you not pay rent while being here?

[Brian Redband]

I. You got me. I do pay rent now. Okay, but that just happened like two months. I just moved here like two months ago, so. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

So how much are you generating from your stand up comedy? How much money do you make in a ballpark a week?

[Brian Redband]

I mean, probably like 5, 600.

[Chris Rogers]

Where, how do you do that? Oh, wait, did you say a month?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, so hold on. How much rent are you paying a month for the last two months?

[Brian Redband]

Months? 800.

[Chris Rogers]

So I don't know if anybody's ahead

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of me on this.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, you're nailing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Chris Rogers]

So how do you make money to pay your rent?

[Brian Redband]

I, I've done enough shows. I, I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much exactly did you save? How much?

[James McCann]

Turning into a financial plan.

[Brian Redband]

I know, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Brian Redband]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much did you save exactly?

[Chris Rogers]

People are going to find this unbelievably fascinating. There's a lot of people out there wondering, hey, should I start? How much should I save? I live at my parents house, what should I do?

[Brian Redband]

Well, I definitely advise not to do standup comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, I bet you would want nobody else to start standup comedy. Yes, I bet that would help your market share.

[Brian Redband]

Then I get to pay rent. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Chris Rogers]

How much did you save?

[Brian Redband]

Like 2,000. $2,000?

[Chris Rogers]

Absolutely, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness. Cracking up. D Madness. Literally verbally laughing out loud.

[Brian Redband]

The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand up comedy. Yes. 100.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you stated the very obvious there. But how much?

[James McCann]

How much?

[Brian Redband]

Wait, no, I'm curious. How much money do you make doing stand up comedy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right.

[Brian Redband]

Is it 3, 000amonth?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redband]

No. Okay.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you mean yes?

[Brian Redband]

It's only 3,000amonth?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Oh my God.

[Brian Redband]

How much is your rent?

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, yes, it's it's somehow. It's all right. I don't have rent anymore. Shiva. I don't have.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, I forgot. Yeah, you own. I understand that, okay?

[Chris Rogers]

But I do have. I do have payments that I have to make. D Madness is literally losing his mind.

[Brian Redband]

So actually you've lost a lot of weight.

[Chris Rogers]

Shiva.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over here.

[Brian Redband]

Sorry. Sorry, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stick with me.

[Brian Redband]

Sorry.

[Chris Rogers]

So how do you survive? Tell the truth.

[Ian Shark]

That.

[Brian Redband]

No, that's honestly it. Like I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you eat?

[Brian Redband]

I mooch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you eat today?

[Brian Redband]

I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes. Actually I just drove from Dallas. I was doing a show there. Drove here.

[Chris Rogers]

All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's it.

[Chris Rogers]

Are you sure?

[Brian Redband]

I woke up at like 3pm why

[Chris Rogers]

did you wake up at 3?

[Brian Redband]

Because I'm a comic.

[Chris Rogers]

That's not. But what do you mean? Because. What did you do last night?

[Brian Redband]

I did a show.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay?

[Brian Redband]

I did a show in Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Chris Rogers]

Yes, but then what would happen to where you wouldn't wake up until 3pm after the show? Would be the question.

[Brian Redband]

Yes, sir.

[Chris Rogers]

Before I asked you what you did last night. You said you woke up at 3pm I said why did you wake up at 3pm? So what happened last night other than your stand up set, unless you listened

[James McCann]

to it afterwards, Feels like the end of Legally Blonde.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what happened in Legally Blonde. I'm sure that's a.

[James McCann]

Nail him for something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I don't. Yes. I'm trying to do an interview.

[Brian Redband]

I'm not good at this. I'm not doing.

[James McCann]

Where were you last night at 2:00am?

[Brian Redband]

I was at the Capitol, dude.

[Ari Mati]

Fucking.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. No, I just drove here. I got super drunk last night after the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari. Ladies and gentlemen, Shibari. This is. We have. We are. We are in a dry spell right now. We might have to go fucking turbo mode here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next minute tonight. Remind you I have the thickest stack of big joke books I think I've had in the mothership era. Not a single one has been given out. And I have one little joke book left. This is unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen. Which is crazy because last week it was all except for the first one, all unbelievable. Four secret show editions last week. And also star lineup, the momentum Runeth Triath. Let's see if it starts here with the stylings of Anthony Ruan, everybody. Anthony Ruan. Let's see what happens here. Here's Anthony, everyone.

[Anthony Ruan]

I started dating this new girl. I'll be honest with everyone here. I really like her. She's just into things that I have no experience in, like roleplay. She keeps trying to get me to wear these magnums. I'm a terrible communicator. I don't know how to let her know, like, that's not how that works. No matter how dark this face paint is. Chill out. You guys are gonna feel much better when I tell you I ran that joke by that black gentleman right there. He told me he hated it, so I. It's much better than my last relationship. My last girlfriend, she broke up with me after we found out the apartment was haunted. I'll admit, it's scary stuff getting in a huge argument when you know you're too afraid to go sleep on the couch. There's one time we're in the middle of this big fight. I was like, you know what? The lights started to flicker. I was like, you're right. Yeah, that's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Chris Rogers]

Anthony Ruan, have you been on this show before?

[Anthony Ruan]

I have not.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, well, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Anthony Ruan]

I've been doing stand up for a year and a half.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, where at?

[Anthony Ruan]

Phoenix, Arizona.

[Chris Rogers]

And that's where you still live?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, I moved to Austin three weeks ago.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, and how is that working out for you? How's Austin treating you?

[Anthony Ruan]

Not as good as I thought it would be.

[Chris Rogers]

Tell us why.

[Anthony Ruan]

Lots of mics? No state, like, show time. I was doing, like, I would do, like, shows in Arizona, so I'm just trying to get back in right.

[Chris Rogers]

Here you are.

[Anthony Ruan]

Here I am.

[Chris Rogers]

You're on a show right now.

[Anthony Ruan]

Thank you, guys.

[Chris Rogers]

There you go. Absolutely. What do you do for a living?

[Anthony Ruan]

I'm a cake decorator.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Chris Rogers]

That's amazing. How long you you been decorating cakes for?

[Anthony Ruan]

For about a year and a half. About as long as I've been doing standup.

[Chris Rogers]

Amazing. And you decided to both start standup comedy and decorating cakes at the same time. What were you doing before that?

[Anthony Ruan]

I was driving semi trucks.

[Chris Rogers]

James.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, how.

[James McCann]

Sorry, how do you go from you seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis and said, I'm going into cake decoration. I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about in the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Much better than this.

[James McCann]

What cakes do you like to decorate? Wedding cakes, kids, birthday cakes. Do you do it at HEB or a fancy place? I'm fascinated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us all about the cake decorating.

[Chris Rogers]

I am so interested.

[Anthony Ruan]

It's a Walmart.

[James McCann]

You gotta start somewhere.

[Ian Shark]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

How did. How does this start. How does one even get into cake decorating?

[Anthony Ruan]

It's the highest. What's one of the highest paid positions at Walmart?

[Chris Rogers]

So you went to a Walmart? You're like, what kind of jobs are available? You looked at the pay and you're like, I'll just take on cake decorating.

[Anthony Ruan]

It's exactly that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

Incredible. Were you driving trucks for Walmart before that?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, I was driving for a beer company.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, what made you want to stop driving and start cake decorating?

[Anthony Ruan]

A dui.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, yes. That'll do it. Many of your favorite cake decorators were once truck drivers.

[Gary Gia]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Chris Rogers]

Where were you when you got the dui? Were you getting high on your own supply out of the back of the truck?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, I was driving home from a. A New Faces comedy show at 10 p. Improv.

[Brian Redband]

Uhhuh.

[Anthony Ruan]

And I got pulled over while I was eating McDonald's.

[James McCann]

Is that a crime? If that's a crime. I mean, big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If that's a crime, then Red bands. Jack the Ripper.

[Anthony Ruan]

Okay, I. I got pulled over. When I saw the lights, I panicked and I dropped the McDonald's all over myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Anthony Ruan]

And then my thought process was like, if the cop sees this McDonald's all over me and my car, he's going to, like, assume I'm drunk.

[Chris Rogers]

And you were a little drunk, right?

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah, I hid. I hid the McDonald's in my pockets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love this. Now we're fucking talking. Finally, a moment of an interview where somebody admits something.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, other than them being a federal

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

witness against Demetrius Andre Jenkins iii.

[Anthony Ruan]

Not this guy.

[Chris Rogers]

Not you, not you. So you're shoving, like, what. What are we talking about? Fries?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Burgers?

[Chris Rogers]

Are there sauces in your pockets?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what do you remember McDoubles? Whoa. Oh, my God.

[Chris Rogers]

So is this is while you're pulling over or as. As he's approaching?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, I had them all in the pockets by the time I was pulled over. He didn't find them until he searched me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[James McCann]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

my God.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

This is incredible. So you're driving, you're eating McDonald's, you got McDoubles. No fries. You win. Straight.

[Anthony Ruan]

Oh, yeah. If you use the app, you get a free.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did not know this red band.

[Chris Rogers]

Red band actually created the app.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of people know that.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, so you see the lights. You're eating McDoubles straight up. Did you get to eat some of the McDouble at least?

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah, I was, like, halfway through that first one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, and then you took the second

[Chris Rogers]

one out of the bag. In its wrapper and put it in your pocket.

[Anthony Ruan]

I kind of had them, like, all laid out.

[Brian Redband]

How many.

[Chris Rogers]

How many.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many McDoubles did you get? When you say all I had.

[Anthony Ruan]

I had three. I had three McDoubles.

[Chris Rogers]

That is six hamburgers in between three sets of buns, ladies and gentlemen. That is true. That is a mix. That's a McSepel.

[James McCann]

I want you to answer this question truthfully. Are you the Hamburglar?

[Anthony Ruan]

Honestly, that guy's legit. As. So I would. Yeah, I would take the hamburger gangster.

[Chris Rogers]

So you take a burger. No, you take two and a half burgers and you shove them in your pockets. And then the cop comes up and what's. What's the first moment in which you realize that you might get in trouble? Does he say that he smells alcohol?

[Mike Po]

Yeah.

[Anthony Ruan]

He was like, yeah, you've been drinking.

[Chris Rogers]

And you're like, no. Yeah, right?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

But what had you drank that night? Let's go through it here.

[Anthony Ruan]

Lots of tequila shots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Anthony Ruan]

I was celebrating a good set. Tempe Improv. So I.

[Chris Rogers]

In Tempe. Tempe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were loving it, right?

[Chris Rogers]

Tempe uses unmarked cars. Correct. Was it an unmarked police car?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, it was marked.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Anthony Ruan]

It was. Chandler Police Department.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. Did you have to go to Maricopa County Court now?

[Anthony Ruan]

I went to Chandler Courts. They gave me, like, mandatory minimums, like two days in jail, house arrest.

[Chris Rogers]

Did they make double your fine?

[Ian Shark]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had it. All right.

[Anthony Ruan]

It was. It was a pretty big.

[Chris Rogers]

What did he say when he was feeling. When he's patting you down and he goes, there's a little. A little something here. You. Was it like, is there anything. Do you have anything in your pockets that could hurt me or give me heart disease?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Anthony Ruan]

It won't pick or poke you, but it'll give you cholesterol.

[Chris Rogers]

There you go. Yep.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah. It. The. His. His exact words when he pulled them out is he had them in his hands and he said, why are there burgers in your pockets?

[Chris Rogers]

People ask Redband that every day. And then what did you say?

[Anthony Ruan]

I said exact words. I said, I don't know. Take me to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brilliant. At least you knew, because I was gonna say, you must have skipped the tests and everything after that.

[Chris Rogers]

Right. You admitted to being drunk.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Anthony Ruan]

There was no hiding it.

[Chris Rogers]

That makes sense.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

So from a high to a low, did you have to spend the night there?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, actually, they put me in the cell. They closed the door, and then they opened it and they let me go. And I was actually, like, less than A mile away from my house, when I got out of. When I got out of the. The police department, I could see my apartment complex.

[Chris Rogers]

Amazing. Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you talk about this on stage, by the way? That's way better than anything you said on your minute.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah, I do. I have. I have a bit. That's pretty much, like, just exactly what I said right now. It usually works.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. No, that makes sense. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's the craziest thing that's ever

[Chris Rogers]

happened to you as a cake decorator? Weirdest cake you ever made?

[Anthony Ruan]

There's not, like, really weird cakes I've had, like, people say they don't like them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Chris Rogers]

What, did they not like your decoration part or the flavor?

[Anthony Ruan]

Honestly, I think they like it until they see me, and then they, like, notice that I'm the one that made the cake.

[Chris Rogers]

Has there ever been a time where you felt like, you know, someone was gonna rob you at the cake store and you started shoving cake in your pockets? Have you ever gone back to that? Have you ever put more food in your pockets before or since then?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, that was the first and only thing.

[Chris Rogers]

Were you stoned? Were you high?

[Bruce Detore]

Were you.

[Chris Rogers]

You smoke some weed that night?

[Anthony Ruan]

No, I was just. That was my honest.

[Chris Rogers]

Just a night reaction. Tempe. A wild night in Tempe, a hot night, lots of tequila, and you're shoving burgers in here. I can't imagine being that kind of drunk to where I'd be like, I gotta get rid of these burgers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If he sees these burgers, he's gonna know I'm drunk.

[Chris Rogers]

Like, I would eat the burger and I would, like, try to get a pickle.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put some, like, pickles on my neck.

[James McCann]

Smell alcohol.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd rub the burger. I'd put it everywhere but my pockets.

[Anthony Ruan]

That's like, the exact opposite of what I thought.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Did it feel good?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Would you ever do it again for leisure?

[Anthony Ruan]

Yes, in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat I would.

[James McCann]

I've often thought about putting a McGriddle down the front of the trouser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Anthony Ruan]

If it was two hours later, it'd be a different story.

[James McCann]

Oh, yeah. You're foiled by time.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

You couldn't have hotcakes in the pants.

[Anthony Ruan]

I couldn't.

[Chris Rogers]

Anthony, congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got pulled out of the bucket. Here. You could put that in your pocket. That's a little joke book. The last remaining little. Thank you, guys, joke book. I'm gonna have to start giving out cigarette butts. Smoked cigarettes. If this trend of bad.

[Chris Rogers]

Of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Bucket pools continues, this Sounds like a name that I would make up, ladies and gentlemen, because I think it's one of the funniest last names in all of comedy. But it appears as if though this is this guy's real name. Make some noise for David Jenkins, everybody. I do believe I use that word all the time.

[James McCann]

Time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Jenkins.

[David Jenkins]

Hi, everybody. So I was grocery shopping the other day and my unemployed friend wanted to come along, as they do, and he just is one of those political types that can't stop talking about how bad Trump is. But I let him go on tell the whole spiel. And his big thing was he was against borders. He said, borders don't work. Borders don't work. I was like, all right, you do you. But we get to the checkout line and on that little conveyor belt he puts that little divider. So I'm just a little confused. Do borders work or do borders not work? It really didn't look good because I was buying for taco night. Do you think an autistic girl has ever paid for fake tits to avoid eye contact? That's my time. Thank you.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Jenkins, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, Chris?

[Bruce Detore]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome.

[Chris Rogers]

That was okay. How long have you been doing standup?

[David Jenkins]

I've done it like five times.

[Chris Rogers]

Five times. You live here in Austin?

[David Jenkins]

I do.

[Chris Rogers]

Born and raised.

[David Jenkins]

No.

[Chris Rogers]

Where are you from?

[David Jenkins]

Tampa.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, what made you want to move here?

[David Jenkins]

I've got a long history here. Related with my girlfriend. She lived here for several years up until 2020, and I visited in March of 2020, right when the lockdowns happened. And then in June, and then I had a one way ticket for the first time here. And we drove back together to Tampa where she came back with me.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[David Jenkins]

And then we moved out here.

[Chris Rogers]

You guys still together?

[Matt Rivas]

Yep.

[Chris Rogers]

Amazing. What does she do?

[David Jenkins]

She does doordash.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you do?

[David Jenkins]

Accounting.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow, you're a real accountant.

[David Jenkins]

I am. And that's my real last name.

[Chris Rogers]

Jenkins is your real last.

[David Jenkins]

I know. I thought about making a fake Jenkins name because I know you love to use it, but I'm like, I love it.

[Chris Rogers]

I think Jenkins is the funniest last name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Chris Rogers]

Absolutely incredible. Well, that's your real name. So you come from a long line of Jenkins.

[David Jenkins]

I'm actually the third.

[Chris Rogers]

You are David Jenkins. What does David Jenkins Sr. Do?

[David Jenkins]

He's dead.

[Chris Rogers]

How about your dad?

[David Jenkins]

He's retired now, but he did. He was a mechanic for airplanes.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. All right. Okay. So you've done it five times. You're an Accountant. What made you want to start Stand Up? I just love it.

[David Jenkins]

I've been listening to it for so long. Like, I remember in fifth grade, I don't remember which album it was for Brian Regan, but just listening to that again and again and cracking up every time, putting it on the radio for my dad, and I've just been obsessed with it ever since.

[Chris Rogers]

He's the man. He makes everybody do a shot before they go on stage before his shows.

[David Jenkins]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[Chris Rogers]

Little fun fact. He seems like he'd be like, clean and sober, but he knows how to party hard.

[David Jenkins]

I know. He looks like Santa now.

[Chris Rogers]

I didn't know that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, tell us the most interesting thing about your entire life, David, before

[Chris Rogers]

I get you out of here, because we're gonna fly through.

[David Jenkins]

I've got the same tooth knocked out three times.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. All right.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

So they keep putting. And when you say you got it knocked out, is it people knocking it

[David Jenkins]

out One time, but not on purpose. It was never on purpose.

[Chris Rogers]

You were just horseplaying around.

[David Jenkins]

Yeah, the first time I was running up a wet slide, fell, hit it, boom. Second time I hit a kid on the forehead while playing basketball. And the third time, I got hit in the face with the baseball. So 2 out of 3 time sports. Kind of surprising.

[Chris Rogers]

Wow. James, what do you think about this?

[James McCann]

I love that you've had the confidence to wear a beanie that makes your head look like the tip of a penis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[James McCann]

I think that's good right there.

[David Jenkins]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're welcome.

[Chris Rogers]

What made you pick flesh colored?

[David Jenkins]

It's. My girlfriend had it and I didn't want to buy a new one. And it's really warm. I mean, it's cold out tonight.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. Yeah.

[James McCann]

And you've coupled that with the I have grandchildren sweater.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. You can't scare me. I have grandchildren. Where do you get something like a lot of hip. A lot of hip dudes on tonight's show? Where do you get a shirt like that?

[David Jenkins]

I thrifted it on Depop. I don't know if you've heard of that. It's like an online thrift.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, I know all about it. I go all the way to Round Top just to antique sometimes.

[James McCann]

I don't believe in depop. I think that's the weak way to do it. I go to the big weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff. That's what I do. Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I know all about it.

[Chris Rogers]

And they're extra angry for me when I walk in. There I go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're all lucky to even be here.

[Chris Rogers]

Get out of my bin.

[David Jenkins]

Nope.

[James McCann]

I thought the joke at the end was good.

[David Jenkins]

Thank you.

[James McCann]

You. I just wanted to be supportive and it was.

[Matt Rivas]

Thank you.

[David Jenkins]

No, I. I got more laughs than I thought it would, to be honest.

[Chris Rogers]

So it got more laughs than I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

thought it would too.

[Chris Rogers]

It's because the audience has only heard comedy for a total of two minutes.

[Gary Gia]

Tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was Aya and Martin Phillips.

[Chris Rogers]

Here's a little joke book. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been given more little joke books. By the way. I've been handed little joke book. The great bonsai is somewhere skinning a cow right now live. For us to be able to have more little joke books, I have decided to pre pull names.

[Chris Rogers]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are going into

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

turbo bucket pull mode. When you hear those noises, that means that since there have been no big

[Chris Rogers]

joke books given out tonight, that I will be pulling. And we will be watching people do

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

minute sets until somebody truly kills Tony tonight. This is the ninth bucket pull of the night. It could end right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Wes Bullens, everybody. Wes Bullens.

[Brian Redband]

Am I the only one that always

[Bruce Detore]

gets jump scared by Valentine's Day?

[Brian Redband]

It's the same day every year, guys. It's a day to just be sad

[Bruce Detore]

as, you know, think about all the

[Brian Redband]

past trauma from your last relationships. Valentine's Day is like my day of

[Bruce Detore]

Holocaust Remembrance Day because every relationship I've

[Brian Redband]

been in has just been completely over

[Bruce Detore]

exaggerated, if not just made up,

[Brian Redband]

joking around. Guys, I'm not Elon Musk. We're just having some laughs, having some drinks.

[Bruce Detore]

At least. I see you guys drinking here.

[Brian Redband]

I actually went sober.

[Bruce Detore]

That was my New Year's resolution, to go sober.

[Brian Redband]

It's a good thing, right? Yeah, it's a good thing. No, no, that shit sucks. It's just you and everything you hate about yourself trapped together all weekend long. You start looking forward to Monday. That's rough, man. I challenge you guys. Go to a dive bar sober and actually see what it's like. It's traumatizing. It's like Valentine's Day in the Holocaust every single weekend. Thanks, guys.

[Bruce Detore]

It's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you know what that sound means. Little joke book for Wes. No interview. He's gone. Wes Bullens. We are in turbo mode. When you hear that slot arpeggio.

[Chris Rogers]

Arpeggio, Arpeggio, arpeggio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That sweet slot chime. We're going until someone kills who's with me, your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, one minute for Matthew Jordan.

[Ian Shark]

How you doing? Welcome, welcome. So I've been going to the gym lately. Dropped 40 pounds already. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Got addicted to Zumba all the time going in there, first time ever in there, they looked at me like this gringo is going to be out after three songs. But I'm there. I just want a taste, just want a little bit of taste of that. You just can't stop with that. So going to buy the third song. Oh, I feel like I might have a heart attack. I don't know if I'm having a heart attack or no. I'm going into Zuma. Going, going, going.

[Brian Redband]

Whoo.

[Ian Shark]

But then the fourth song. Wait to the fourth song because if you do make it past the third song, the fourth song, you just start feeling the music. The music starts going. You don't even know what you're doing anymore. You're moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. You're clapping, you're in a rush to get to the front of the stage. You want your spot because once you get to that spot, you're up there and you're dancing. Next thing you know, you get a target on your back. That's Betty back there. She's coming up. She wants that spot. No shit. I was here an hour early putting my water bottle down in that spot right there. It's mine. Who knows about all that. You fight for your spot in Zoom. But I'm telling you one thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy fucking shit. There's a little joke book. Thanks so much for Matthew Jordan. Ladies and gentlemen, your 10th bucket pool of the night. This is unbelievable. We are quickly approaching the record which I do believe is 16, the 16th bucket pull that night. A fun fact because I remember because I'm a big fan of this show, was Aaron Belial who would go on to win a golden ticket. He would go on to America's Got Talent and he's a ticket selling star today. So anything can happen. This is bucket pool number 11 in A. We have one little joke book left again. Make some noise for Ian Shark. Number 11, everybody. Ian Shark.

[Ian Shark]

Hey.

[Brian Redband]

Thank you, guys. So the other day I was walking

[Matt Rivas]

around town and believe it or not,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw a real life Nazi just standing there, broad daylight, full uniform table full of propaganda. So I knew what I had to do. I said, not in my town.

[Matt Rivas]

So I walked right up to that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nazi, punched her right in the face, beat the shit out of her. Don't worry, I wasn't Any danger. She was way smaller than me. Like, suspiciously small, you know, she was

[Matt Rivas]

about five, six years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But listen, if you're old enough to wear that uniform in public, you know

[Brian Redband]

the infamous Nazi uniform with the green

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

skirt and the beret and the sash

[Brian Redband]

covered in war medals. If you're old enough to wear that,

[Chris Rogers]

you're old enough to get punched in

[Brian Redband]

the face by a grown man and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

get all of your cookies stolen.

[Brian Redband]

All right, now listen, folks,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm no hero. All right?

[Brian Redband]

All right.

[Chris Rogers]

We'll call it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are insane. You've forgotten what. Okay, we're going through a turbo round. No interview, ladies and gentlemen, before. I just pulled another one. So before he comes up, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna bring someone up who specializes in following people. Bombing. I've waited. I didn't want to have to wake him up. I didn't want to have to bring him out of his cage. But ladies and gentlemen, here he is while we wrangle a bucket pole. Because it's up to a bucket pole to get us out of this mess. We will go all night. We will do all 200.

[James McCann]

This is Drew Nickens.

[Brian Redband]

My dad is my best friend, even though he talks shit about me already and he's a kooky guy. I was scrolling through Facebook, I got a group recommend that said sexy superheroes and my dad was a member. So I checked on it just to see what type of diddy freak off shit he's into. That's when I realized my dad is a Batman cosplayer. Imagine this. He is a 6 foot 6, 450 pound black man in a Batman costume in a wheelchair that he calls the Batmobile because he can't walk. He goes, I'm Batman. I love solving crime. Unless there's stairs. Like, why can't you be trans dad? It was awkward. I walked into my parents house, AKA the Batcave. That's when I realized my parents were creating content. My dad, cool costume, Batarang hanging out. My mom hunched over in a pleather costume. It smelled like a Harvey's roast beef sandwich in that bitch. They had the meats. But I'm not going to King Shame, so you can find me in that group at the Retarded Robin. Thank you all so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, True Nickens, ladies and gentlemen. We're flying through it tonight.

[Chris Rogers]

Drew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Drew Nickens, everybody. We are still in turbo mode. I don't know if you guys hear those sweet slot chimes. You guys hear that?

[James McCann]

Come on, let's get some energy up in this room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no, no. We don't want fake energy, all right?

[James McCann]

We bring that energy back down, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We want you to be a true judgmental crowd. We know what the fuck is going on here. Stay judgmental.

[Chris Rogers]

Make these.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone's gotta earn it. Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented episode, this is indeed your 12th bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for a minute from Matt Rivera. Matt Rivera.

[Brian Redband]

Hey, everybody. My name is Matt. I've. I've always struggled with my masculinity. I think it's because I like bubble baths, which is really confusing because now ice baths are cool. It's like what you get in a tub of ice. You're manly and you're stoic, but you had some soap and you're a pussy. I don't know how to treat people, man. I saw this homeless guy the other day, and he asked me for money. I opened my wallet. I only had $2, so I told him no. Then the next day, I came back and he was dead. And when something like that happens, it really, like, fucks with you, but it teaches you to appreciate things in life. Like, I am so grateful I didn't give that guy any money. Because he's fucking dead now. And it's a tale as old as time. You know what they say, A bird in the hand beats two in a dead homeless guys in a bush. I've been getting a little freakier in the bedroom recently. I had sex in the Amazon position. Yeah, it's pretty hot. It's when I'm on top and she's at her phone looking at throw pillows. All right, thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Matt Rivera.

[Chris Rogers]

The biggest laugh you got there, you shook your head like that, you go, why'd you do that?

[Brian Redband]

I don't know. I was just. Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Were you surprised?

[Brian Redband]

I'm surprised that I'm here right now. What the fuck is a lightning round, dude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know how you were at

[Chris Rogers]

that bar across the street and all those people came over here? They got. You saw people leave with a person with a headset.

[Brian Redband]

I did see all that. I guess it's not going great. I don't know.

[Chris Rogers]

It's not going great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's still not going great. It is still. As you hear that sweet, sweet sound, it's still not going great. I have no more little joke books to give out, but I will you give. Give you a bottle. This is a bottle of souvenir comedy mothership water. Now, it might not seem like much. Now I'm gonna wait on the cigarette butts. This doesn't look like the kind of guy we want to give our DNA to. Now, this might seem like nothing, but this is actually a $13 bottle of water. Have you ever had a $13 bottle of 20.6 before?

[Chris Rogers]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. It's impossible to have that small of an amount of water worth $13. Only here, a true souvenir, courtesy of

[Chris Rogers]

the comedy mothership, a $13 bottle of water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. When you think Joe Rogan can't get any richer, leave it to a $13 bottle of water. Ladies and gentlemen, there's also. It's reusable. John Dees has reminded me, as I'm sure the Carrie would, who runs the joint, it is reusable. That is one of the things that they tell me when I make fun of them for having this bottle of water is they go, it's reusable. I go, who the is gonna fill up? Who's drinking this? Rusty second sloppy.

[Chris Rogers]

All right.

[James McCann]

Excellent water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[James McCann]

It's delicious, high quality water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is unbelievable bowl. Do you drink water?

[Brian Redband]

Sometimes I try to, yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes, everybody. Matt Rivera, we are on number 13. It seems like it will never end. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sean Stewart, number 13.

[Brian Redband]

Howdy, y'.

[Bruce Detore]

All.

[Brian Redband]

Howdy. It's crazy. Inbreeding used to be cool, right? You had to be rich and famous to fuck your cousin. A king and a queen, the powerful fuck their cousins. Now they fuck kids on an island, right? I'm kind of sad I wasn't invited to that island, though. Not as an adult, but as a kid, I wanted a Nickelodeon show. I think it could have been better than Drake and Josh, right? No. Everybody got real mad when they found out Stephen Hawking went to the island. I don't know why. I don't think his dick worked. If I was a kid on that island that got him on my weekly schedule, I'd be kind of pumped, right? You know, he gave some bomb ass head, right? It was like, harder, Deeper Daddy. A show would have been great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sean Stewart, everybody. You hear that sound? We're in a turbo round, Sean. So put the mic back in the mic stand.

[Chris Rogers]

You don't have to do an interview.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get to go right back to bed where you came from.

[Chris Rogers]

Back in your sweatpants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been on the show multiple times. I do believe he's the door guy here. This could be the answer we've been looking for in bucket poll number 14. It would be crazy if this guy doesn't do Good. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Adam. Lucky,

[Brian Redband]

Just already.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How the we doing, everybody?

[James McCann]

We in it.

[Brian Redband]

I'm gonna do a fucking catchphrase right now. I'm gonna go ayo, you guys. Give me a shabango. Ayo. Fuck yeah. So the other day, I was beating my daughter, Aunt Jenga. Am I right, guys? No, that's a joke. She beat me, so I punched that bitch in the face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, O.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. Anyway, I don't be that bitch, by the way. I may look like a pedophile, but I'm not one. Which is tough because I do have resting I'd be fucking my daughter face, which is not easy, which I don't like because I gotta walk around with that daughter. And it's tough cause she's not even that hot. So it's like, damn, not only do I look like a pedophile, I look like a pedophile who can't even pool.

[Martin Phillips]

Like, uh.

[Brian Redband]

Oh, God damn. She may be 5 years old, but she's a 4 at best. Am I right? Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I went to the Kill Tony show

[Brian Redband]

and a guy made a pedophile joke. Fuck yeah. Suck it.

[James McCann]

Fuck it, boys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Now, you did good. You did good. And normally that would be good enough for a big joke book.

[James McCann]

Thanks, Tony.

[Chris Rogers]

You. But I realized that I kind of. It's kind of defeating the purpose having someone that already has a big joke book up. Because we are, without a doubt, inside of a turbo round.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All good, brother.

[Chris Rogers]

Anything crazy happen since the last time

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you were on the show?

[Brian Redband]

Stayed off cocaine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, congratulations. Normally, a lot of people that open up with, give me a shebang and

[Chris Rogers]

I'll give an ao are still on cocaine.

[Brian Redband]

Ironically, inevitable.

[Chris Rogers]

You.

[Brian Redband]

But on the Kratom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're on Kratom.

[Brian Redband]

No, I'm trying to. Yes, I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. This is what every addict does. Now, I don't know if you guys have any of these Kratom buns. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

So you started with just a little bit, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are the Kratom?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, No, I went in full on hard.

[Chris Rogers]

Really?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah. Because I used to be a painkiller addict, so I went in deep.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, and so now you're deeper, Right. The addiction only grows a little bit more of a. What do you. How do you do it? A scoop?

[Brian Redband]

No, I'm. They have these press pills now, which is basically just like gas station Vicodin. So it's badass. They're really cheap and they make it. They make. Hey, Arnold. Really funny. So I highly Suggest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how many does it say to

[Chris Rogers]

take on the instructions?

[Brian Redband]

It says two a day, and I'm. I'm down to 30 a day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're down?

[James McCann]

No, not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seriously?

[Brian Redband]

No, not really. No. For a day tomorrow, I'm supposed to quit, go cold turkey. So I'm just gonna sweat in my

[David Jenkins]

room for four days.

[Chris Rogers]

Have you thought about quitting before this? Have you? You tried it all to quit?

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, pretty much. But tomorrow's, like, the day I'm, like, actually gonna really try hard. But we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No promises.

[Brian Redband]

Sorry, mom. I don't give a fuck.

[Chris Rogers]

It's not gonna work.

[Brian Redband]

No, it probably won't work.

[David Jenkins]

I know.

[Chris Rogers]

There's no way you're quitting Kratom tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I'll do my best.

[Chris Rogers]

Feel it in the air. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've tried to quit before.

[Chris Rogers]

How long have you been on this Kratom addiction?

[Brian Redband]

I mean, overall, probably, like six years.

[Chris Rogers]

I was expecting that to be Heidi,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and it was James.

[James McCann]

I didn't know the show was gonna go for nine hours tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. It's a crazy one.

[Brian Redband]

Hey, James.

[Chris Rogers]

All right, here we go. There he goes. Thank you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam. Lucky, ladies and gentlemen, is multiple appearances on this show. We're going till we give away a big joke book. A true bucket pool. Here we go. It could be right now. There's the lovely Heidi, total opposite from James McCann. Make some noise, for this is indeed our 15th bucket pool of the night. We are one away from the record. Make some noise for Luke Nukem, everybody. Luke Nukem,

[James McCann]

Y'.

[Aya]

All.

[Brian Redband]

I think it's safe to say a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

life is like toilet paper.

[James McCann]

We all go through it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some more than others. They say they don't.

[Brian Redband]

They got to be full of.

[James McCann]

I wouldn't shake their hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I'm saying. That's a hot take.

[James McCann]

I think cheating is bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it's worse when women do it.

[James McCann]

A woman will cheat. Not even come.

[Brian Redband]

Like, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guys are so gross.

[Brian Redband]

Like, they'll be like, oh, just a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, yeah, let's do it. Oh, you know what that means? Do you want a cigarette butt? Do you want one of Red Band's cigarette butts?

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, There you go, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There he goes. Luke Nukem, everybody. We're in the turbo round. Luke, I don't know if you hear that noise. Keep the volume up. Jesus Christ.

[James McCann]

A woman will cheat and not even come with, like, a beautiful poem or something, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Let me make sure I have this correct.

[Chris Rogers]

Nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 9, 10, 11, 12,13, 14, 15.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This will tie the record for all time. Are you guys excited to be here at a record setting episode. How long has it been? 12 and a half started June 2013.

[Chris Rogers]

What is that, 12 years?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. We've been doing this show a long time. This will be. This will tie the all time out of bucket pools. This should be your final bucket poll of the night. Make some noise for Bruce Detore, ladies and gentlemen. A minute for Bruce.

[Bruce Detore]

That's right. Soak it in, ladies. This is what Jeff Bezos would look like without any money. This is the improve. Me, I've lost 60 pounds, but I didn't get the results I wanted to. I ended up with loose skin. I wanted a tight, toned stomach. I ended up with a belly that looks like a used grocery bag.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah, you know, if my body was

[Bruce Detore]

an amusement park, it would be six red flags.

[Brian Redband]

Shit.

[Bruce Detore]

You know, and everything's going crazy now. Everybody's like, oh, the fuck, Trump's in office. But you know, I'm looking forward to it because quite frankly, I like Hispanic women. With all this talk of deportation, there's gotta be somebody cute out there that wants a green card.

[Brian Redband]

You know,

[Bruce Detore]

he just renamed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. I can't wait to see what he does next. There's a body of water that borders the west coast of this great country. We're gonna call it the Great American Ocean. What are you gonna call the one on the other side? The other American Ocean. That's what we.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a tough predicament. It is a tough predicament. Bucket pool number 16. Coming out with that head.

[Chris Rogers]

I mean, you are so funny looking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's almost not fair the amount of laughter that you get looking the way that you do. You are a funny looking guy and you're aware of it.

[Bruce Detore]

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

[Chris Rogers]

I love it. I love it. So you're a real guy, huh, Bruce?

[Bruce Detore]

Some of my exes would disagree, but fuck those bitches.

[Chris Rogers]

I love it. My goodness. And I see the extra skin. It's there on your neck. It's there too. What's the most you ever weighed?

[Bruce Detore]

About 250.

[Chris Rogers]

About 250. How'd you lose the weight? What is your secret?

[Bruce Detore]

Just diet and exercise, okay? Anything you enjoy in life, stop doing it.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. What do you do for a living?

[Bruce Detore]

I used to be in automotive and now I'm just pursuing comedy and mooching off my trust fund okay.

[Chris Rogers]

How much do you have in the trust fund? How much do you have saved up in your trust fund?

[Bruce Detore]

Trust fund? I basically live on about 2500amonth.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. Is that what all they give you? Is that what you're allotted?

[Bruce Detore]

Pretty much, yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, so your trust fund, you get like a monthly thing. They didn't want to give it to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you all at once?

[Bruce Detore]

I get like a monthly stipend and then what little bit I make off of comedy and so forth. A little bit of acting here and there.

[Chris Rogers]

And the trust fund was from your parents?

[Bruce Detore]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. And your father passed away?

[Bruce Detore]

No, he's still around. It'll be way better when he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Bruce Detore]

I love you, dad. I know you're not watching, but I love you. Please stick around.

[Chris Rogers]

That makes sense. Tell us more about your life, Bruce. You seem like a guy that's been divorced a lot.

[Bruce Detore]

Oh, dear. I'll tell you. The closest I've ever been to marriage was I was gonna ask a girl. I said, I need to ask you a question. She said, dear God, please don't ask me to marry you. That wasn't the question. The question was, have you been cheating on me? And she did say yes.

[Chris Rogers]

Why do you think she was cheating on you?

[Bruce Detore]

Cause she's a fucking piece of shit. She introduced me to the guy too. She's like, you gotta come meet this guy. He looks exactly like you.

[Chris Rogers]

Did he look exactly like you?

[Bruce Detore]

He was a little taller, but apparently he wasn't as good as in bed because she called me later to complain that he couldn't make her come.

[Chris Rogers]

And you could make her come.

[Bruce Detore]

Apparently not good enough.

[Brian Redband]

I don't.

[Chris Rogers]

Such an interesting predicament. What are your secrets to making a woman come? Teach me, Bruce.

[Bruce Detore]

Just. Just pure. Just work the tongue, just desperately, until they either tell you to stop or. Such a good enough actress, you believe they're not faking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Ah. I think we should just give up. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? All right, this is in indeed a record. This is officially a record setting episode. Bruce Dottore goes on to the next one. You know what we're gonna do while we go wrangle that person I'm gonna bring to the stage.

[Chris Rogers]

Just to show you that it is possible to kill, I'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the history of the show, who would normally close the show just to show you that comedy can be done. Ladies and gentlemen of the greatest regulars ever here with a brand new minute this young man, I promise you, will one day be a citizen of the United States of America. One of the shining stars of the Kill Tony universe. This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati.

[Ari Mati]

I took the bus last week and I sit in the back of the bus and I think I'm alone on the bus until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there.

[Chris Rogers]

And he has the.

[Brian Redband]

The down

[Ari Mati]

syndrome. I'm not saying nothing bad about him.

[Brian Redband]

He just got it.

[Ari Mati]

And he notices me too. And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first is a pussy. And you know me, dog, if you wanna fuck with me, I'll fuck you back. So I stare this motherfucker down and we keep going. I miss my stop. Now who's retarded, huh? And it was one of those buses, you know, where the middle part has this slinky accordion. So every time the bus would turn, me and my guy would lose each other. And then every time it straightened out, there he is. The only moment he broke eye contact was because in one of the bus stops, from the middle door, a lady enters the bus and she has. I don't even know how to say this, but she's got. They were so big that the tits were on the bus. She almost missed it, you know what I'm saying? And me and my guy, we like both at the same time. We like, both look at the tits and brother, when we looked back at each other, The connection we had. That's how perverted men are. It's in our DNA. Cause I got a high school diploma and he thinks mirrors are another room. But at that point, we were both like, so, ladies, get those milkers out and bring this country together.

[Brian Redband]

Thank you so much. Proof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Proof that it's possible.

[Mike Po]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three minutes of brand new material after doing tens and tens of minutes before

[Chris Rogers]

on the show's history. Take note, 16 bucket pools we've been through. Nobody had one minute, like any minute of your three minutes. And you've done this.

[Ari Mati]

I mean, people like me, I have an advantage.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, well, yeah, no, I know that. I'm just saying this is a wild episode. Have you been keeping track?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sure you've been back there waiting.

[Ari Mati]

I was listening, but I had to go. I had to walk. Yeah, dude, I was starting to bomb, like.

[Brian Redband]

Yeah.

[Ari Mati]

You know when you listen to comedy, you're like, what is stand up even?

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, what are we doing exactly?

[James McCann]

I was starting to think it was me. I thought I was bringing.

[Brian Redband]

I know. James. Dude, Ari.

[Chris Rogers]

Why don't you. Why don't you put the mic in the mic stand?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you sit in next to James and join us? Let's get through the rest of it together. Let's just see what happens here. You want to drink?

[Chris Rogers]

What do you want to drink?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, order a drink. We might be here a while. What do you want to drink, Ari? What do you want to drink?

[Ari Mati]

Whiskey and soda water.

[Chris Rogers]

Can I get the whiskey and soda water?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially a record. Your 17th bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Zach Myers, everybody.

[Ari Mati]

What's up?

[Brian Redband]

So recently I've been banging this cancer bitch. Yep. But she's not one of those leukemia hoes. She was just born in July.

[Ari Mati]

Yep.

[Brian Redband]

The issue with her, though, is she does have cancer and I'm just not into that. How much can you expect me to care when I can't get to second base because she's already at stage four? They cut her tits off too quick.

[Bruce Detore]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And a lot of my buddies will

[Brian Redband]

be like, well, why are you even into her, bro?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I tell them, you know, it's

[Brian Redband]

simple as an Arabic. I find it sexy how easily she got in the terminal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That means your minute is up. The cat is gone and the slot

[Chris Rogers]

chime is in because we are in turbo mode. There was one point in the middle of your set where you said, thank you. Did you remember that?

[Brian Redband]

Yes, sir.

[Chris Rogers]

They were laughing because of the way that Ari. Maddie was laughing.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

At the overall thing. There was a part where James laughed because you did a cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The.

[Chris Rogers]

The. The. What do they call that after this show?

[James McCann]

I'm gonna have to just stare into a flower for half an hour.

[Chris Rogers]

There's good news. There's good news. The show is never going to end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up for Zach Myers as it continues.

[Ari Mati]

It looks like a vampire.

[Brian Redband]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are in deep, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Zach Myers back to.

[Ari Mati]

He's going to live a thousand years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back to the movie Twilight, he goes.

[Chris Rogers]

Did we get that? That bucket pole come back yet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You need another name. Oh, boy. Red band wants to get out of here so badly. The noises that he's making. Thank God he's not in control of the show. Am I right? Just hand it off.

[Chris Rogers]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun here. Let's kill some time. Hold on a second here.

[Chris Rogers]

Hold on a second. Ari. Maddie, have you been on the road lately? What have you been doing?

[Ari Mati]

Yeah, I went to Denver, like this weekend.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, yeah. Comedy Works downtown.

[David Jenkins]

Wonderful.

[Chris Rogers]

Literally, I say, the best built comedy club in the world. Did you feel that way?

[Ari Mati]

Yeah, it was crazy hot.

[David Jenkins]

The crowd.

[Anthony Ruan]

Yeah.

[Ari Mati]

You get a bit too confident up there maybe, you know, after some shows.

[Chris Rogers]

It is ridiculous.

[Ari Mati]

I didn't like the Denver Airport though, you know? You know an airport where you take a flight and then you gotta take

[James McCann]

a train,

[Ari Mati]

bro, we flew 1800 miles. Can we fly two more?

[Brian Redband]

Take me there,

[Chris Rogers]

baby.

[James McCann]

Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train. Pittsburgh Airport. I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport. Bang. I'm on a train. I love it. I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[James McCann]

We're gonna find a superstar here tonight. Can you feel it? I can feel the energy.

[Ari Mati]

Hey, don't you guys think J. James looks like a cute dog with glasses?

[Chris Rogers]

He does have that vibe. Yeah, you do.

[James McCann]

It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me. I appreciate it.

[Ari Mati]

Which one of us is gonna get a green card first, huh? Fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People are leaving, huh, because they think the show's over or something. Someone should make an announcement there at the bar that the show is continuing until somebody does good here. I'll give you two, cuz, let's face it, it's. We're probably gonna go through. And if the second. If the first one does better before the second one, then we'll put the second one up next week or something. We're gonna stay here all night? Yes. For those of you getting thirsty out there, let me remind you that this is a reuse reusable bottle of water. It is $13. Shocking. Shocking. But it's reusable.

[Chris Rogers]

So, you know, something to keep in mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Plus it has a mothership logo on it.

[Chris Rogers]

I mean, look at that.

[Ian Shark]

Who.

[Chris Rogers]

What's not to love?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hey, lady, you want to do the secret show Thursday? Wow, a woman from the audience. You do? Did you sign up? Do you do comedy? Oh, it's a shame. I'll bet you're funnier than everybody without being prepared.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you think you have a minute?

[Ari Mati]

Do you think who here has a minute, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think you have 20 seconds?

[Ari Mati]

Should we get somebody who looks funny?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you sign up, sir?

[Chris Rogers]

You did. What's your name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, make sense for Brandon Farris. We are doing this tonight.

[Ari Mati]

Let's go, Brandon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy literally just said, I can do it. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? We will. We will be here all night until somebody who hasn't been on this show before does good. This is the Kill Tony debut of Brandon Farris.

[Brian Redband]

I've been told I have resting Republican face. I look like I buy my daughter black baby dolls because it's February, Black History Month. It's not good. It's not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get out of here. Get out of here. Brandon, put the mic back in the mic, okay? Brandon, you said it's not. Put the mic back where you found it. Jesus fucking Christ. Get out of here now. Get back to your fucking seat.

[Ari Mati]

He lost confidence in four seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. This is unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. I do believe this is number 20 or something. I don't know what's going on here. Make some noise for. Oh, we know this guy.

[Chris Rogers]

There's. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, dubs General. Ladies and gentlemen, bucket pool number 20, dubs General. I can already tell you we have another one coming.

[Brian Redband]

So white people,

[Matt Rivas]

I'm new to dating. Are y' all still afraid of AIDS out here? I've been fucking these ratchet bitches lately. And I was in with her and I was getting it in. I was trying to get it. I was. Fuck y'.

[Brian Redband]

All.

[Matt Rivas]

That's how I fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she said.

[Matt Rivas]

I kept.

[Brian Redband]

I didn't give a. I kept. I'm not gonna do this with y'.

[Chris Rogers]

All.

[Matt Rivas]

Thank y' all very much.

[Brian Redband]

I have yourself a great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Dubs General, ladies and gentlemen. You can go, Dubs. We're in turbo round right now. We are flying through it. Go ahead. What the was that? Are you guys having fun still, huh? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen. I don't. I've lost count. I literally have to count the 22. This is. We are in it. Make some noise for Eric Bell, everybody. This could be the one. Eric Bell.

[Brian Redband]

So my oldest daughter just turned 13 recently and into a little bitch. Guys, is it still illegal in the state to attempt to sell your child to a wealthy old childless couple, even if they're white? What? She gets a new and better life. And get a new Corvette 3 LT. I told that one online. I didn't go viral. I did get a haha like however, a friend request and a comment asking, where can we see more of your material from? Texas Child Protective Services. Ladies, I'm dating. I get it, all right? I've been collecting us for freeback from you ladies for a long time now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get it's not the faces closing

[Brian Redband]

ass with you, but you have to be so goddamn mean about it. A woman told this to me recently. This wasn't a date. This is just over the phone Mean trying to live free out in the wild. She said, eric, your looks are not that special.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another minute from Eric Bell. Now, let me just say something here.

[Brian Redband]

Comedy's hard.

[Chris Rogers]

Let me say something. It's crazy because just a week ago. And you can go back. You can go back one episode right now. Those of you watching on YouTube, you could go back one episode. Jim Norton and Tony Caruso right here just a week ago. And I only one of the bucket pools got a little joke book. Literally 8 out of 9 or whatever it was, or 9 out of 10 or 7 out of 8 got big joke books. And still as it continues, there's still not one. There goes Eric Bell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Eric. We're in turbo round right now. I'm gonna count it just for our own sake. I'm counting it, counting it. Somebody say something while I count. Talk about something.

[James McCann]

The goodwill has left my body. Someone needs to be grape. Can you come on?

[Brian Redband]

I peed on my book bags.

[Ari Mati]

But if you want good comedy, James McCann new special out now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Hey, America, go to Matt and Shane's Secret podcast on YouTube. By the way, this episode is brought to you by Baya and Bluechew. And this is literally your 20th bucket poll of the night. This has to get us out of here. Do you feel it? This could be the one. But stay strong, be real. This is a minute from Aaron Spaller, everybody. Aaron Spaller, number 20.

[Brian Redband]

Have you all seen these Honda Civics driving around? They got that big ass spoiler, really loud exhaust on it, all these stickers, and it's this shitty little car. It's trying so hard to be a

[Gary Gia]

race car, but it just can't do

[Brian Redband]

anything that a race car can do. Shit's really annoying, right? Yeah, it's the same way I feel about trans women, too. I feel like I just walked into a fire right now.

[Ari Mati]

Breathe.

[Brian Redband]

Something I've learned living in the city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna cut you off right there. Aaron Spaller. There he goes. Aaron, you seem like you'd be a very fun interview, but I gotta keep it moving. I don't know if you hear the slot chimes, but we're in turbo mode. Red band has low blood sugar right now. He wants to go home. This is bucket pole number 21. It's a female comedian, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Ashley Palmer, everybody.

[Ashley Palmer]

I'm a doctor in Canada, which means the government pays me to stick my finger up people's butts. Yeah. Gotta wear a glove, though.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Ashley Palmer]

Morphine is addictive. Western medicine. Tried to solve this with heroin.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Oops.

[Ashley Palmer]

It was sold over the counter to treat coughs in children. It worked. You know, it also helped kids learn how to write a lowercase. Nice. N is for nap time. N is for Nancy.

[Jenna Sparrow]

Didn't wake up from nap time.

[Ashley Palmer]

But don't worry, morphine's been replaced. I'm sorry. Don't worry. Heroin's been replaced by its non addictive cousin, fentanyl. Modern medicine. We just keep getting better.

[Ari Mati]

I'm sorry, how old are you?

[Ashley Palmer]

I'm 30.

[Ari Mati]

Even if a guy fucks you, he should still be on a list, you

[Matt Rivas]

know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true,

[Ari Mati]

my man. Looking for loopholes.

[Chris Rogers]

It is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is what free health care gets you, ladies and gentlemen.

[Chris Rogers]

Imagine walking in and this is your doctor. Are you like a general health doctor?

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah, I work. I'm a general practitioner. I work up north so I do like clinic, emergency room and in the hospital in a role place.

[James McCann]

So weird to be a white doctor in Canada. I hear it's mostly Chinese.

[Ashley Palmer]

There's a lot of white South African doctors.

[James McCann]

Interesting.

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah, they're really good.

[Chris Rogers]

Why do you think the South Africans are so good at being doctors? Doctors.

[Ashley Palmer]

It's their training programs. Yeah, they're just intense.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. The colleges in South Africa.

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah, I think it's kind of like a trial by fire type of thing. So they're just good at handling situations.

[James McCann]

I can't believe you've killed another one. You're shameful. You would do what that teacher told you to do.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Yep.

[Chris Rogers]

What was your schooling like? Super Canadian.

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Now a lot of people don't know this, but I study the Canadian health care system because they brag about how good it is. And I like to do my own research just to make sure that I live in the greatest country on planet Earth. And I do. I don't know if you guys know this, but Canada does suicides now for anybody that wants one. Am I correct?

[James McCann]

No.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay, correct me where I'm wrong.

[Ashley Palmer]

It's like it's called maid, which is medical assistance in dying. And no one's ever approached me about it. But it's like that's because you're working.

[Chris Rogers]

You just said at an emergency, like urgent care things. So they would go to a hospital or a normal, actual professional, actual, real money making, full time doctor.

[Ashley Palmer]

I work in a clinic too.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah, I know, that's. That would. They wouldn't go to like a free clinic for that. They would just be like, hey, everything's free everywhere. Like what you're saying at clinic, that's just like the minor league hospital, right?

[Ashley Palmer]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is.

[Chris Rogers]

What's the difference between a clinic and a hospital?

[Ashley Palmer]

I work in a hospital also.

[Chris Rogers]

What do you do at the hospital?

[Ashley Palmer]

Inpatient care.

[Chris Rogers]

Is that the people that would kill themselves sometimes?

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Because it's like, for terminally ill, terminal illnesses that cause, like, a lot of suffering.

[Ari Mati]

I know 21 people who want to get that.

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've talked to multiple Canadian doctors and civilians that live in Canada, and they

[Chris Rogers]

have all known someone or know people or have assigned it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You haven't.

[Ashley Palmer]

I know. I know people who have, but I've just never had a patient just to

[Chris Rogers]

make this clear so that everybody understands. In Canada, it's not you're sick with something and dying from something that would make you kill yourself. Like, here in America, you have to be dying in order to have other people help you kill yourself. In Canada, you just have to be sad, Correct?

[Ashley Palmer]

Oh, no, that. But that's something they've talked about, which would be really up if it's like, that became a thing and then, like, you don't accept, like, psychedelic medicines, which are really, like. You know. You know what I mean?

[Chris Rogers]

Like, it sounds like you're in denial

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that your health care system in Canada

[Chris Rogers]

is so wild that sad people just get to kill themselves and then they schedule them to kill themselves. Where's the air horn when you need it?

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah, I. I don't know if that's, like, in practice yet, but that's a dark, dystopian potential.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[James McCann]

I believe it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[Chris Rogers]

You see? Say that it's a dark, dystopian potential.

[James McCann]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not in use.

[Chris Rogers]

Can you describe what MAID is then?

[Ashley Palmer]

Oh, but it's just not for sad people. It's like, for suffering, but for. Or for, like, physical pain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But do you think you have to

[Chris Rogers]

have physical pain to do it there?

[Ashley Palmer]

I think so.

[Chris Rogers]

You're wrong.

[Ashley Palmer]

Okay. That's possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could just be sad.

[Chris Rogers]

Oh, I know more about your system than you, because I have a bit about it.

[Ashley Palmer]

Okay.

[Chris Rogers]

I'm purposefully not doing. Because I don't want to leak it here, because I want to do it on a thing one day.

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I would go into it and it works.

[Ashley Palmer]

Okay. Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

But the point is, is the premise is what's most important. Here's what's crazy is not only this is going to be interesting for you. Not only do Canadians do this, over 2000. Actually over between 1500 and 2000 people did it in 2024. And again, this is no physical ailment. This is just being sad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wish I was in Canada right now. I know. That was the joke that I implied 28 seconds ago. Now, perfect timing, by the way, to do that then.

[Chris Rogers]

But they schedule you so literally, it's not like you go into the hospital and you're like, I want to kill myself. And they're like, come on, we'll do it. They schedule you for a later date. They have to process stuff and do things. So they're literally like, okay, come back on this date and we will help you kill yourself. And people have to wait. And that's Canadian.

[Brian Redband]

Or.

[Ashley Palmer]

Or you go to their home.

[Brian Redband]

Really?

[Ashley Palmer]

Yeah.

[James McCann]

Service with a smile up there in Canada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They do it. They go to their home visit.

[Ari Mati]

But what's the weapon?

[Ashley Palmer]

It's an injectable drug.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. And you've never done it, though?

[Ashley Palmer]

No.

[Ari Mati]

You know, in Finland, they have the highest rates of suicides in the world. And also last year, the happiest country in the world. Suicide works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it. All right, we're going to keep it moving. There goes Ashley Palmer, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Ashley. Welcome to America. We're going to keep it moving here. This is bucket pool. I don't know again, I think it's 21. Maybe Owen Galavan, everybody. Owen Gallivan.

[Brian Redband]

Hey, everybody. Cuz I think registered sex offenders are, like, really dumb. Yeah, I'm never gonna register. That's my little secret. You guys for real, though, I don't know how he landed on the term registered sex offenders. Feels a little soft for what they actually are. Could have easily went with convicted sex offenders, but we went with registered for some reason. Why are we making it sound like they're sex offenders that did all the proper paperwork? Like, you register to vote, you register a weapon, you register your car. I don't think a cop's ever walked up on a sexual assault. Like, license and registration. He's like, oh, shit. That actually checks out. My bad. Didn't realize you had all your ducks in a row, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, thanks. All right.

[Ari Mati]

I like that one.

[Chris Rogers]

You like that one?

[James McCann]

That was a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Ari Mati]

Yeah, it was. There was, like, clever stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Yes. Really?

[James McCann]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am I losing my mind right now? It's fine.

[Ari Mati]

Registered sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're gonna keep it moving. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, we're in turbo round. I don't believe you. I think red band's Just trying to go home. Make some noise for Nate Mueller, everybody. Nate Mueller,

[Brian Redband]

Joe Rogan's comedy club.

[Ari Mati]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Redband]

What a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a scene.

[James McCann]

That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The episode's over, ladies and gentlemen. We're done. We did it. Brought to you by Via and Blue

[James McCann]

Chill,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

James McCann's new special.

[James McCann]

We believe Tony. We don't give up when the going gets hard. We keep going until greatness is achieved. I'm sorry, Red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're never gonna stop. All right, all right. Everything stopped, man. Stop. Okay, let's ignore the Joe Rogan's Club. You do start from the top. Let's go. Skip the Joe Rogan's Club. Do your material go.

[Chris Rogers]

Unfortunately, that was my material.

[Brian Redband]

He's built a beautiful scene down here, so I move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, There he goes, everybody. There he goes. That's okay. All right. Nate Mueller, everybody. There he goes. You're in a special turbo round, Nate. Nope. No bombing.

[Ari Mati]

I've never seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Too late.

[Ari Mati]

Look like this.

[Brian Redband]

This is a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All that I had written on this when I came up here was Martin Phillips and Ari Matty.

[James McCann]

We're a part of history now. This isn't a normal Kiltoni episode. This is a historically bad Kiltoni episode. And from the corpse a flower must grow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what's going to be great next week? It's going to be all bucket kills that are killing like and like doing.

[James McCann]

Do you have an appointment to go to?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Yes. Has nothing in the world he has to do. He has to do VR in, like a few days or something for a little bit. He has absolutely less than nothing to do. There's no one I know that has less to do than actually red band. He's very excited to drink and complain about his night tonight. That's all he has to do, Right? It's my fault, guys. I'm sorry. No, it's not your fault.

[James McCann]

The next great comedian in America is behind that curtain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, not yet they're not.

[James McCann]

There might be six or seven people behind that curtain. There might be 154 more people behind that curtain. But I believe that greatness is going to walk out of here tonight.

[Chris Rogers]

Is there anybody else inside that signed up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are they pointing at? You did do it.

[Chris Rogers]

You did. What's your name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jeff Scott. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeff Scott. This could be the one, everybody. Do you believe in miracles?

[David Jenkins]

All right.

[Brian Redband]

I was watching a documentary before the show, but it got a little depressing, so I had to turn it off. But it turns out dolphins will have sex with just about anything. Like, they're extremely horny creatures. And they kind of bummed me out, dude. I just thought what me and Flipper had was special, you know? I have herpes now. Bastard. I really am trying to prove myself right now, though. I quit playing video games. No more smoking weed or, you know, no more drinking. I started going to church. And that means no more masturbating, you know, especially no more jerking off. In fact, if I'm gonna have sex from now on, I only want it to be the Lord's way. I just wish the priest would, you know, take it easy on me, dude. Haven't felt a fart since Easter. That's all I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. Go back to your seat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are in turbo.

[Ari Mati]

Crazy for the girlfriend, huh? Dude, I saw you have a panic attack then.

[Chris Rogers]

I'd like to give a special shout

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

out to a special guest that's here tonight who told me 18 years ago when I said that I wanted to start, stand up, that I'm gonna go to a local open mic in Burbank and start. And he told me, start at the Comedy Store. He's visiting tonight. First time I've seen him in Austin. First time I've seen him in years. How about a hand for Jeff LaBeouf up there visiting everybody. Old friend. You're not gonna see him. Don't turn around. It's dark up there. It's a VIP balcony. You peasants don't get to lay your eyes on him. All right, back to the bucket. We go make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izz.

[Martin Phillips]

Yum.

[Brian Redband]

We here.

[Ari Mati]

I smoke weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's something me and my father used to do.

[Ari Mati]

Smoke weed and laugh. Smoke weed and laugh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But we can't do it no more. Cause his lungs can't take it like he used to.

[Brian Redband]

Cause he's dead, right? Smoke so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's ashes now. I don't feel bad, though. I got a quarter pound of him in my living room. My little sister hit me up, was like, I want some of his ashes so I could put in a locket. I was like, I'll sell you an 8 for 60. I want me and my wife to have a kid so I can know what the race of my baby going to turn out to be. I'll say race because I'm Puerto Rican and my wife is Honduran. So if you use your mixed race

[Brian Redband]

calculator, Puerto Rico plus Honduras equals Mexican,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuban, if you carry the one. Y' all think I'm joking. That mix race calculator for real. Like, if you get a Chinese person and a Jamaican, you get a Filipino, you get an African and a Venezuelan, you get a Haitian.

[Brian Redband]

If you get a Colombian and a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuban, that's just a very serious cokehead in front of you. Just letting you know that shit right now. Yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Yippee. What was it, Marvin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Izzy.

[Brian Redband]

Yes, sir?

[Chris Rogers]

Is it Honduran or Honduran?

[Martin Phillips]

Potato, potato.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we're in a turbo round right now, Marvin. We're gonna keep it moving.

[Chris Rogers]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yum. He's got a catchphrase. Everybody, it is yum. A little fun fact. Jeff Scott was pulled out of the

[Chris Rogers]

bucket just now, so destiny is right on cue. Ladies and gentlemen, we have. Are you guys still alive?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Caesar Leone, everybody. Cesar Leone. This is. We are in. Oh, my God. All right, Caesar Leone. All righty.

[Brian Redband]

Good evening, Austin. Where are all my Latinos at? Ah, see?

[James McCann]

You guys see how easy it was

[Brian Redband]

to round us all up, right? We can't help but express pride. And I feel like in this day and age we kind of need to take lessons from Italians of the past century, you know, kind of go incognito until white people forget about us. Eventually they'll accept us because if you think about it, an old school Italian is basically just a wetback with a towel.

[James McCann]

No.

[Brian Redband]

All righty then.

[James McCann]

Moving forward.

[Brian Redband]

But seriously, now that Trump is in office and these ice raids have started all over the country, we kind of need. Need to be a little bit more vigilant as Latinos, you know, whenever we

[James McCann]

go scout out the area, be aware,

[Brian Redband]

learn to read the room, not just clean it, right?

[Mike Po]

But.

[Brian Redband]

Alrighty then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cesar Leone, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Cesar Leone. There he goes. We're in a turbo round. No interview for you, Cesar. This is fucking crazy. This is an absolute mathematical fucking anomaly. We don't go through this many bad bucket pools in a month, not to mention an episode.

[Chris Rogers]

This is absolutely crazy. Ari, what's the report? Coming in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's unbelievable. Is there perhaps a band member that has a minute? Any of the horn players got anything? You got something?

[Chris Rogers]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These good guys deep Madness is wasted right now.

[Chris Rogers]

There's no way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

[Chris Rogers]

Back to the bucket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the show you wanted to go to.

[Chris Rogers]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trust me, I wanted to be done an hour ago. Make some noise for Matt Puchit. Puchitsti. Matt Pushitski. My wife does these charcoal face scrubs.

[Brian Redband]

Ladies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've probably heard of them. Apparently they work wonders because she does them every night. I'll just be chilling, watching Netflix before bed. She's walking around, full black face, not batting an eye. I'm like, whoa, babe, I'm trying to watch Django Unchained right now. You're totally ruining the vibe. All right, cool, guys. There's a family of immigrants behind that curtain. If you don't laugh, I'm gonna have to tickle them very hard to get soundbites.

[Chris Rogers]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The worst is when she does these charcoal face scrubs. Matt, we're just gonna keep it moving. We're in a turbo round. We need a killer. It's a special part of a special show. Thank you.

[Chris Rogers]

And you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There we go. We're gonna keep it flying along.

[Brian Redband]

I love comedy,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

ladies and gentlemen. And make some noise for your next bucket pool. We are almost double the record. This is Mario Zapata, everybody. Mario Zapata. Here we go.

[Martin Phillips]

I don't know if you guys can tell, but I used to be Hispanic. Yeah. My full name is Mario Alejandro Zapata Dias.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

You know who gives me the most shit about being pale is other Hispanic people. It was like, why are you so pale? And I'm like, well, my family flew here. HBO is remaking Harry Potter. Fans are concerned because they want to cast a black actor as Snape. Because in the book it says Azkaban, not Axe Caban. I think that the reason the word is such an offensive word, it's cuz so many people are, you know. Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mario, look at this. You see this right here? Oh, my gosh. Do you. You believe in miracles? Look at the energy on this fucking guy. Holy shit. A standing ovation for what some people would call, on a scale from 1 to 10, about a 7.2. But here, God damn it, we needed it. You'll never understand what happened before you on a night like this, Mario.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm just happy to be here, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We needed a hero, and you are it. How old are you, Mario?

[Martin Phillips]

I am about to be 45.

[Chris Rogers]

45.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Martin Phillips]

11 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Martin Phillips]

I edit porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Jenna Sparrow]

Yes.

[James McCann]

He's even got the best interview of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the night, ladies and gentlemen. He's taking the ball and running with it. Best set, best interview.

[James McCann]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of porn do you edit?

[Martin Phillips]

Giants is porn.

[James McCann]

Oh, wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What is that? It's where you're a very small person. You're looking up at a woman.

[Martin Phillips]

Yes. Yeah. Imagine Godzilla. But it's a hot chick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How do you.

[Matt Rivas]

How do You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you get in?

[Chris Rogers]

How do you get into porn editing?

[Martin Phillips]

You have to be unemployable. Once you Everything up, porn opens you with open legs.

[Brian Redband]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

Absolutely.

[Martin Phillips]

That was a bit. I'm sorry.

[Brian Redband]

I'm sorry.

[Martin Phillips]

I'll answer the question.

[Chris Rogers]

I'm sorry.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm nervous. Sorry.

[Chris Rogers]

Yeah. We might not give you the big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Mario.

[Chris Rogers]

What else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is crazy about your life

[Chris Rogers]

that we should know about? Before I let you go, I got

[Martin Phillips]

kicked out of the military for international drug smuggling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Rogers]

What types of drugs did you smuggle?

[Martin Phillips]

Ecstasy.

[Chris Rogers]

From where?

[Martin Phillips]

From where? Well, I didn't smuggle them, but, like, I paid for them to be smuggled.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

And I sold some of them. Yeah. Yeah. Anticlimactic. Sorry.

[Chris Rogers]

Amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Rogers]

Do you have kids?

[Martin Phillips]

They take forever to die. No. No kids. No kids. I'm too selfish for kids. I'm sorry.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay. So what do you. Where do you shoot your load when you pull out?

[Martin Phillips]

Anywhere. Anywhere. I'm just happy to be shooting lows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Chris Rogers]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Chris Rogers]

Here you go, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations. You got us out of here. Thank you so much. We're done. Mario Zabata ended it. Kind of just okay, but good enough. The drawing from Ryan G built us in. How about a hand for James McCann? Did the band leave? This is incredible. James McCann. Guys, play some fucking music.

[Chris Rogers]

The hell's going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus fucking Christ. Check out his new special. Hey, America. It's on YouTube at Matt and Shane's secret podcast. James, tell him.

[James McCann]

Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We did it.

[James McCann]

What a beautiful country. What a beautiful show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, Matty, thank you for joining us

[Chris Rogers]

on the back end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much for trying. Remain. Check belt is in a James McCann. And it's lovely. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa. Heidi with a gun. Look out.

[James McCann]

More detail than ever got to be put into that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you to Maya. Thank you to Bluechew Red Band.

[James McCann]

Check out the movie Dos Boot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And, yeah, I got a lot of tickets up for sale. I'm on tour, going to end Anaheim and Salt Lake City and Detroit and a bunch of other crazy places. Coming up, doing standup, bringing my friends with me. We're going to have a lot of fun out there. And thank you to this audience who is legendary. You guys were at the most bucket pools ever in an episode. I do believe pretty positive of that. And congratulations to us all. I love you. God bless America. Good night, everybody. Everybody thank you.

[Aya]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now over.

[Brian Redband]

Check out Red Band's secret show every single Thursday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.