#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN

Summary

Kill Tony #708: H. Foley + Kevin Ryan (Are You Garbage)

Date: February 25, 2025
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Guests: H. Foley & Kevin Ryan (Are You Garbage Podcast)
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
House Band: Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Matt Muelling, John Dees, D-Madness

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Episode Overview

This episode is a classic chaos fiesta of Kill Tony: a parade of comics from total newcomers to crowd favorites, speed-roasted and dissected by host Tony Hinchcliffe, co-host Brian Redban, and this week’s fun-loving guest duo — H. Foley and Kevin Ryan of the Are You Garbage podcast. As always, a wild live audience at the Comedy Mothership eggs on the unpredictable mixture of sharp wit, off-color riffs, crowd work, and relentless inside jokes.

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Main Themes and Segments

• Are You Garbage Crossover: With Foley and Ryan as guests, the episode brings a trashy, self-deprecating energy, poking fun at class, upbringing, and personal failures.
• Comedian Bucket Pulls: As always, unknown comics get 60 seconds onstage, then face interviews and no-mercy panel reactions, leading to standout moments and awkward trainwrecks.
• Running Gags: The show’s inside jokes, such as Gingerbread Town, drag queen athleticism, autistic power moves, and homeless people in Uncle Laser merch, drive the communal and irreverent spirit.
• Panel Chemistry: Foley and Ryan seamlessly join in, layering on their own style of roast and commentary alongside Tony and Redban, often riffing on the strangeness of the comics’ lives and backstories.

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Detailed Breakdown & Key Moments

1. Guest Introduction and Banter

[00:00–05:24]

• Redban introduces the show, band, and brings out Tony Hinchcliffe. Hypes up guests H. Foley and Kevin Ryan — “literally the best guests possible, make some goddamn noise for the Are You Garbage guys.” (02:30)
• Tony describes Are You Garbage? as “one of the only listenable comedy podcasts in the world” (04:05). Foley and Ryan riff on classlessness and their recent “Route 66” docu-special tour (9 cities, 10 days).
• Quote: “Turns out for sure, I’m garbage.” (Tony, 04:31)
• Early panel chemistry — Graham Norton, British trash TV, self-deprecating jokes about heritage.

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2. Regular & Bucket Comedian Highlights

Enrique Chacone (Golden Ticket Winner)

[06:57–14:53]

• Material: Immigration, being “at risk of deportation,” DACA status (“technically, Barack Obama is my daddy”), and Airbnb entrepreneurship gone wrong.
• Tony calls it “one of my favorite minutes of yours” (08:11).
• Panel riffs on Enrique’s sweatiness, deportation, tight jeans (“compression jeans”), and relationship.
• Quote: “At 28 years old, you are the most likely to die next. How does that make you feel, Enrique?” (Tony, 14:24)

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Brooke Riddell

[15:37–23:29]

• Material: Eavesdropping miscues (“I thought Jenna was just this interesting black woman with a past.”), hiding a dog from her landlord, “Holocaust” jokes about anxiety.
• Reveals she's from Solvang (“Danish capital of America”), works in creative advertising for Disney, runs a gingerbread house bakery.
• Foley and Ryan riff deeply on gingerbread towns, sweets, Friendlies, and “vagina candles” from her husband’s job at Goop.

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3. Panel, Interview, and Roasting Highlights

Phoenix Provocateur

[24:06–36:13]

• Material: Life as a trans woman/drag queen, black family humor, and stories about her “oil field man” boyfriend.
• Panel dazzled (“Oddly turned on and also very, very scared.” — Kevin Ryan, 32:41).
• Full panel banter on drag queens, oil field culture, and Texas eccentricity.
• Quote: “If I did a jump split, all the lights on 6th street would go out. And that’s just because of my dick.” (Phoenix, 31:43)
• Phoenix performs a dance and talks about earning tips (“I come here to get another ring… Sharpen another knife.” — 32:33).

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Adam Mitchell (Brooke’s Husband)

[37:06–44:39]

• Material: Jewish upbringing, Mormon door-knockers as free child labor, his “juicy ass.”
• Reveals high school sweetheart relationship with Brooke, both now comics/cohabitants.

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Javier Ramirez

[45:22–57:10]

• Material: Creepily dark voiceover, awkward dating/sexual jokes, and a memorable impersonation segment with panelist Heidi.
• Quote: “You look like if AI made a pedophile.” (Kevin Ryan, 50:13)
• Tony makes Javier go on a simulated date with Heidi, highlighting his social awkwardness (“It’s like a robot on. This is me in the mirror before going to work. I love women. You’re a man and you love women…” — Tony, 56:32).

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Uncle Laser (Fan Favorite)

[58:20–65:31]

• Material: Love for “thick” women, drag brunch adventures, homelessness, and cocaine-fueled stories.
• Lasers on momentum: panel calls this maybe his best energy ever.
• Quotes:
  • “Listen, Kanye West said you fat means you a broke, okay? Y’all might as well call me Section 8 housing.” (Uncle Laser, 58:20)
  • “I’m just, I’m actually gay.” (playing with the crowd’s expectations, 61:43)
• Shares tragicomic tale of his merchandise getting stolen by Santa Fe homeless, riffed by Tony and panel.

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Colin Sledge (Breakout Newcomer)

[66:08–78:09]

• Material: Working at Express in a mall, being socially awkward/autistic, accidental 8-year comedy hiatus, and bleak piano playing.
• Panel is deeply tickled by his “serial killer face” and unique rhythm.
• Quotes:
  • “When they diagnosed me with autism…” (Colin, 70:24)
  • “I was too high functioning for the autistic people and not high functioning enough for the normal people. So I started doing open mics.” (Colin, 71:20)
• Tony offers Colin a “golden ticket” plus booker showcase and a guest spot on Mothership, noting “there’s just a level of autism missing from this show since Hans Kim is always busy on the road” (76:17).

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Gus Horn

[78:30–89:13]

• Ex-nuclear engineer from Brazil (via D.C./Austria). Lost 90 lbs, seeks to go skydiving without exceeding the weight limit. Self-deprecating: “I am too fat for gravity, apparently.”
• Tony riffs on his accent (“Well, you look a Brazilian years older than you are.” — 80:32)
• Panel discusses international careers, breakups over dogs, and the scene of Gus’s ex keeping Australian shepherd “Charlie.”
• Gus is funny and likable, earns crowd and panel support.

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Jasper the Disappointing Mime

[90:58–94:26]

• Deadpan, meta take: self-awarely “disappointing,” minimal effort whiteface, family disappointment, sad stories (“My dad’s disappointed that I didn’t finish mime college…”).
• Panel roasts the deliberately lackluster bit but appreciates his commitment to the bit’s anti-comedy.

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Seth Tilly

[98:07–107:01]

• Deep Louisiana drawl, “airlines baggage” job, riffs on “pot and pussy” smelling like “pot and piss,” old Xanax addiction, and accidental firmware updates for Redban.
• Panel is perplexed, noting the chaos, confusion, and “snowman just turned into a real human” energy.

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4. Hall of Fame Closer: William Montgomery

[108:09–116:55]

• Does a tight minute with riffs on Presidents’ Day (“we should all be forced to kneel on rugs that face the Washington Monument”), fake Social Security stats, and Germany/irony.
• Discusses new rowing obsession, broken Volvo car stereo, and getting back on the “Aubry and Buzz” (Onnit supplements/fiber).
• “Tony, I don’t think I’ve eaten enough, I feel crazy… I had a Cliff Bar on the way over here, but I don’t think I’ve eaten enough. It’s not good right now. I feel like I’m sweating.” (William, 112:07)
• Tony and panel reminisce about meeting Lance Armstrong, Volvos, and the trials of gym life.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• Tony, on guests: “If you guys know and love comedy podcasting, then you know these motherfuckers. Absolutely amazing.” (03:56)
• Phoenix Provocateur: “If I did a jump split, all of the lights on 6th street would go out. And that’s just because of my dick.” (31:43)
• Panel on Colin Sledge:
  • “You had to get a diagnosis for that?” (Kevin Ryan, on Colin’s autism, 70:29)
  • “I was too high functioning for the autistic people and not high functioning enough for the normal people. So I started doing open mics.” (Colin, 71:20)
• Uncle Laser: “I hate them homeless. I wish we could hunt them like deer. I mean, it’s a tax system. It’s ethical. You get two homeless and one bicyclist each year.” (62:56)
• Tony, after Javier’s date sim: “It’s like a robot on. This is me in the mirror before going to work. I love women. You’re a man and you love women. You’re a good comedian and a good friend.” (56:32)
• Tony on Jasper: “You know, there’s a reason why other podcasts don’t just pull names out of a bucket… every once in a while you get a Jasper, the disappointing mime.” (94:26)
• William Montgomery: “Tony, I feel like I haven’t eaten enough food. I feel crazy, kind of.” (112:07)

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Panel & Guest Commentary Highlights

• Foley & Ryan bring NY garbage humor, plopping down as perfect complements to Tony’s acid tongue.
• Multiple deep dives into oddly personal – or awkward – topics: autism support groups, being “garbage,” the logistics of eating at Onnit vs. shitting, and creepy piano teachers.
• Some contestants compete for the “strangest energy ever on Kill Tony,” to the panel’s delight or confusion.

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Closing

The episode closes with panel admiration for Colin Sledge’s breakout, Uncle Laser’s chaos, William’s sweaty rowing journey, and more sharp gags from the best band in the land. The Are You Garbage? guys promote their Route 66 special, and Tony thanks all as the crowd leaves buzzing.

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For Listeners

If you missed the show, this episode showcases Kill Tony at its best—raw, weird, wildly funny, and always a little dangerous. With Foley and Ryan on panel, several career-makers from the bucket, and legendary weirdos, this is an essential listen for fans of comedy on the edge. Skip to [66:00] for the unforgettable Colin Sledge segment and [108:00] for William Montgomery’s closer if you want the must-hear highlights.

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Kill Tony is released weekly from the Comedy Mothership in Austin. Find more: deathsquad.tv | killtony.tv | areyougarbage.com

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Man. Coming you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Evie, make some noise to Ray Ban, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everyone? And that's the best damn band in all of the land, proving it yet again. Make some noise for them, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike, believe it or not. That is. He's the biggest little boy we've ever seen in our lives. Isn't he adorable, ladies and gentlemen? A micro machine of a drummer. How about a hand for the great Matt Muhling, everybody? Fresh off of an audition to be one of the new Home Alone villains. Clearly, the great John Dees is here, everyone. And absolutely adorable, dressed like a skeleton. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed D madness on the base. Oh, my goodness. Everything is in its place. The crew is golden tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite comedians, two of the best guests in the history of the show. If you guys know and love comedy podcasting, then you know these motherfuckers. Absolutely amazing. Literally the best two of the best guests possible. Make some goddamn noise for the Are you garbage guys? Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Sit there. Oh, yeah. No, you sit here. Ye. There he is. There they are. Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, on a beautiful, beautiful Monday evening. Welcome, gentlemen.

[B]

Let's go, Mothership.

[A]

God damn. For you guys that don't know they are the hosts of literally what I consider one of the only listenable comedy podcasts in the world. I don't really listen or watch anybody's podcast, including all my best friends,

[C]

but

[A]

these two run a show. Are you garbage? And you find out what's kind of trashy about the guests. And there's a lot.

[B]

There's a lot.

[A]

It turns out for sure, I'm garbage.

[B]

You Were not classy.

[A]

That's definitely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nope. Born poor. Had to survive. Had to make some things happen. Many a trips to subway, load up the sub. $5 back in the dizzle.

[D]

Grew up on black olives.

[A]

That's right. Maraschino cherries show up in my DNA to this day. I got a blood test. Two percent maraschino. What's been going on, boys? Everything good? Route 66. The new special are you garbage Special on are you garbage on YouTube. So YouTube.com are you garbage? What do you guys do there?

[B]

We did Route 66 tour Chicago to LA on a bus. Did nine cities, nine shows in like 10 days. And we filmed the whole thing all. A lot of behind the scenes. A lot of lot of the live show. It's a good time.

[A]

It's a great time.

[D]

This is nice. This is new, isn't it? You don't know. You used to normally do this. The little panel. We come out.

[A]

Well, I mean, you know, I like you guys.

[D]

This is real. I feel like I'm on Graham Norton.

[A]

I love this.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Graham Norton. Wow. You really made it. You made it. Graham Norton. What a reference.

[B]

Oh, you know that show no one watches. That's what it feels like I'm on right now.

[D]

What are you talking about? Good show.

[A]

British trash. Yeah, but you guys have been on this show numerous times. Much like. Much like Graham Norton's favorite guest, I've had you on multiple times. You guys know how it works. If you get pulled out of this bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means you have to wrap it up then, or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna let one of these lovely lesbians in the front row pick out a name to start the show. That'll be. And while our sweet, sweet crew goes and wrangles the comedian from across the street, we're going to get it started with one of our favorite golden ticket winners in the history of the show. An absolute sweet, sweet, sweet little fucking enchilada that we found many years ago in Houston, Texas. A long tenured golden ticket winner here with a new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the adorable and powerful. This is Enrique Chacone, everyone.

[E]

That was. Hello. And illegal. How the fuck we feeling, Austin? Yeah, man, I heard that ice is detaining Latinos. That look illegal, man. That's why I tell everybody that I'm a trans. You know, not the kind that chops your dick. Off the kind that's really good at Rubik's Cuban, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm a trans Asian man. I think I'll be the most annoying person to deport on a flight. Like, oh, man, I know I don't have, but can I at least get the window seat and an extra foil blanket? I want to go back into my country looking like an illegal pop tart. You know, my dad, he was a veteran in El Salvador. He hated communism. I hated communism. And fuck communism. I can't even share an appetizer. He used to tell me how he would torture communists, right? Apparently he used to tie them up naked, throw cold water at them and slap their feet afterwards so they can get pneumonia and die. And I'm like, damn, dad, that's kind of gay. If you do that shit to me, I'm gonna come. Thank you. That's been my time.

[A]

Fuck yeah. There he is. Ooh, Takes the glasses off after the set. What a little rock star we got. Holy. I love it. Enrique. Rock solid. One of my favorite minutes of yours.

[E]

Thank you, man.

[A]

Talking about topical stuff.

[E]

Relatable as, bro. I'm actually at risk of deportation.

[A]

I bet. I bet you could slip right out of their grasp.

[F]

Look at you.

[A]

Look at how sweaty you are. Enrique. It is literally. We keep a thermometer here at all times. People think it's a joke. It's real. 67.3 degrees Fahrenheit. Hey, 67 degrees. And look at that forehead right now.

[E]

Can you control that? Can you turn it down?

[D]

The kid's right. I didn't take my jacket off. Thought I was having a goddamn.

[E]

You got a couple of big guys here.

[A]

Is that what you ask the doctor after he takes your blood pressure? Hey, can you turn that down, dude? I don't even know, man. I'm just having fun, dude. I don't even share appetizer do.

[D]

My cholesterol is loud as.

[E]

That's why I wear. That's why I'm wearing these tight ass jeans. They help with the blood pressure. You.

[A]

Those are ridiculous wild jeans. Yeah, those.

[D]

Those are compression jeans.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Holy.

[D]

Unbelievable, man.

[E]

I'm lying. These are actually airbrushed on me, you know?

[A]

I mean, you are truly.

[E]

I'm a kinky.

[A]

Like an ice cream cone. Very tiny ankles getting bigger as it goes up. Sugar cone and a lot of sugar cone. That's what I'm looking for. Our senior ice cream cones correspondent, Brian Redband, correcting me. It is a sugar cone, not a baby cone. We all know the Differences in the cones. Do you have xivia? Has anyone ever called you a sugar cone before?

[E]

I don't know. But hey, at least people would pay $5.75 to lick me, you know what I mean? Whoa.

[A]

There's some people vomiting in the crowd right now. Absolutely incredible. You have a wrist band that looks extremely tight. Seems like your hand is going to be deported before the rest of you.

[E]

What is that?

[A]

What is that wristband? And we can you. How are you ever going to get eyes.

[E]

Eyes gave it to me. They're like, okay, you're cool right now, but we're watching you. And they gave me this.

[B]

Like, you're actively swelling up right now.

[E]

Yeah, I'm just, you know, turning puffy like a nipple here, dude. Oh, man, I.

[A]

Great. Dude, it is. He's wiping the sweat out of his eyes. You would think he's in round 10 of a boxing match right now. Jake, Paul, where you at? His hair is sweating. I've never seen sweaty hair coming from the top of his head. He's literally. I may have made a lot of ice cream cone references while he melts up here tonight.

[D]

He's got a winter coat on. Leave the kid alone.

[E]

Exactly. Look, this is all just a big global warming advertisement, all right? It's hot up here.

[A]

It's not. We have the facts, Enrique. A great set. Are some of your family members illegal? Let's talk about.

[E]

Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't,

[G]

right?

[E]

They're out there somewhere in Texas and. Yeah, man, actually. But actually, my status. I have something called the DACA status, which, if you're a Republican, you probably don't fucking give a fuck. You know, it was given to me in 2008 by Barack Obama. So take. Technically, he's my daddy, you know, but. Yeah, I have a driver's license and a social. I can't vote, but I can like your page on Facebook. That's something that I found out I can do.

[A]

But they don't let you vote. The Democrats that let you here don't want you to vote. I've never heard of such a thing.

[E]

They don't, but they still want me to donate $5 to the Blue or whatever, I bet.

[A]

Yeah. By blue, do you mean your left hand that is slowly turning.

[B]

That ring's tight as too life to get off.

[A]

That thing's never coming off. What kind of ring is that? What do you got there?

[E]

It's a. It's a ring that my girlfriend gave me, bro. We're damn near engaged, dude.

[A]

Wow. Did you get her A ring as well or.

[E]

Yeah, I did get her.

[A]

Is it an onion ring? No way, Tony. I don't be sharing those, dude. Those are for me appetizers. Oh, I brought one home for her, but that didn't make it to our face or.

[E]

Oh, you're still invited to the wedding, Tony.

[A]

I bet I am. Yeah, I bet. What else is going on? Things are good with the girl?

[E]

Things are good with my girl, man. Well, you know, I recently opened up an Airbnb, so. That's badass, right? And you know what?

[B]

Like, I never heard that sentence ever.

[A]

Yeah, what do you mean by that exact? Exactly.

[E]

So I have a seven acre property with my girl, right? So we opened up an Airbnb in the cabin, you know, like in the middle of our property. And, you know, I thought I was going to be an entrepreneur and everything right after I did that, but now I'm just a housekeeper, a maid, and a handyman, so I just kind of regressed.

[A]

Wow. Are there people staying at your Airbnb?

[E]

Yeah, I have a 4.89 stars right now on there, so. You know, I've been cleaning them bed sheets, bro. I'm the one that's cleaning that, so.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Look at you. What was the negative part to make it not a five star, though? Yeah. Well, what do you think, Drag?

[B]

Sweaty sheets.

[E]

Think about. They could probably hear me snoring, dude.

[A]

You know, how far is this property from where you sleep?

[E]

Oh, it's like maybe like 30 steps away.

[A]

30 steps away. It's connected. You guys share a wall?

[E]

No, we don't share a wall or anything. It's divided by like a. You know, that's the only wall I can't go across and back from, you know?

[A]

Yes, that is true. Oh, my goodness. Look at the sweat pouring.

[B]

It's crazy.

[E]

Nobody got an extra towel here.

[A]

Enrique, remind us all how old you are.

[E]

I am 28 years young right now.

[G]

28.

[A]

28. And by the amount of sweat he just. On the Kill Tony Death poll just passed up Brian Redban on the mountaintop. Absolutely incredible. Brian is 50 and gray and you just passed him up. At 28 years old, you are the most likely to die next. How does that make you feel, Enrique?

[E]

You know, make. Make the funeral special, please,

[H]

For me.

[A]

There he goes. Enrique Chacone, everybody getting the show started. I love you guys. All right, it is time to go to the bucket. The famous part of the show where we meet people, find people. Could be the next great talent. Could be somebody that thought they were Gonna do great. Could be somebody's first time. Could be a 20 year veteran here to try to make it for the first time ever in their lives. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It is Brooke Riddell, everyone. Brooke Riddell here on Kill Tony, brought to you by Talk Space and Shopify.

[I]

I love to eavesdrop. I was listening to this black couple talk about their friend Janae.

[A]

Who?

[I]

Crazy bitch. Okay, so she has this on again, off again relationship with her boyfriend, right? She leaves him, she starts performing naked, heavily using drugs, and then finds out she has aids. So she goes back to her boyfriend, right, and is like, you know what? I still love you, Forrest. They were talking about the plot of Forrest Gump and my racist ass thought Jenna was just this interesting black woman with a past. So I don't eavesdrop anymore. Been thinking about the Holocaust a lot lately. Specifically. Cause I just got a dog and my landlord doesn't know, so he'll start barking, right? And I'm like, shut up, the Gestapo's coming. You gotta keep it quiet. What would Ann do? She'd write it down. Famously, she'd write it down. Thanks, guys. I've been. Brooke.

[A]

Brooke Riddell. Hello, Brooke. This is your first time on the show, right?

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice to meet you. Been doing standup.

[I]

Standup for two years.

[A]

Where at?

[I]

La.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Why do you laugh when you say cuz?

[I]

I know. Cuz. We know. We know how you feel about la.

[A]

Wait, how? How. What does that mean? I lived in LA for almost two decades. How do I feel about la?

[I]

Well, when I signed up, they were like. I'm sorry. When they said how long and where, so.

[A]

Who said that? One of the production assistants.

[I]

Yeah, sorry. We all love LA here.

[A]

We love. Are you from la?

[I]

I'm from Solvang, California, yeah.

[A]

Whoa. Applause break from Red Band. That must mean there's a Friendly's Burger joint there or something. I don't know. What's solvent?

[I]

Solvang is the Danish capital of America, and it's actually where I think Karen's from who's been on your show a few times.

[A]

Karen?

[I]

Yeah, yeah, Karen Jones.

[A]

Oh, okay. That's a wild name to drop.

[I]

All right, well, I'm just. Just name to the town.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

All right, we don't claim her anymore.

[A]

Are you Danish?

[I]

I'm not, no. I'm actually Finnish. But, hey, Tomatoes. Tomatoes. So.

[A]

Hell yeah. Well, I was wondering when you were gonna finish. When you were performing. Seemed like it was never gonna end. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm not kidding. But I am kidding, Brooke. Amazing. So two years you're in la, now you live there. How's that going for you? Tell us your thoughts.

[I]

I. Well, it sucks because the fires. But, hey, we like it.

[A]

So, hey, maybe what started the fires, by the way.

[I]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

A lot of dried. A lot of dried hay.

[I]

Yeah. And I've been doing groundlings and performing in clubs around la. And so it's an honor to be here on this stage and perform for you guys. So.

[A]

Absolutely. What do you do for a living, Brooke? How do you make money?

[I]

I do creative advertising.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

What does that mean exactly? What do you do?

[I]

I do it for Disney movies.

[A]

Wow. So, like, what are some ideas that you come up with? Are you the one that's, like, make it a black person. It's time for. It's time for more black people. This movie wasn't good enough when it was white. We need more black people. Am I right? Black. All right, so what do you do at Disney? Like, what do you, like? What are some things that you do?

[I]

Creative advertising. So, like, the billboards and the movie posters and trailers and stuff like that.

[A]

All right, very good. What do you think about the direction of Disney right now? What would be a note that you would have to the head of Disney if he was here right now? Yes. Red. By the way, Red Band thinks it's Mickey Mouse. He thinks that. Oh, no, the CEO of Disney is the actual Mickey Mouse.

[I]

A note would probably be less notes because I feel like everyone has their hands in the pie and that's what makes things not organic.

[A]

That's an unbelievably great answer. Yeah. Mickey does not like that at all.

[D]

Ha ha.

[G]

You're fired.

[A]

I love it. Can all fat guys do that? This is incredible. This is amazing. I didn't know.

[B]

Let me try. Ha. You're fired. No.

[A]

Hey, I'm Mickey Mouse.

[D]

Yeah, I guess I haven't stopped thinking about friendlies in five minutes who don't like a fribble.

[A]

I love it. So, Brooke, you're down in the big city now. You're originally from, like, the middle of nowhere, California. And so what do you do for fun when you're in LA trying to have some fun?

[I]

Well, I love doing this. I also love to, like, paint, and I'm very creative. I do calligraphy, so. And my husband's also comic who's across the street, so we're both doing this together. He can't believe I got pulled first, so.

[A]

Wow. Yeah, amazing. How long has he been doing stand up?

[I]

Two years as well.

[A]

Wow. You guys started at the same time?

[I]

Well, I've been doing improv and, like, sketch comedy longer, but then once he started to do it, I thought I should try too, right?

[A]

Is he funnier than you?

[I]

No, that is.

[A]

That is a good answer. I like that.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

There we go. Good. All right, Mickey, I love it. What's something we'd be shocked to know about you? Interesting fun fact about your life?

[I]

Well, I thought solving was pretty interesting because no one knows what the hell that is, and it's a Danish capital, but my family actually owns the Danish bakery there that does all of the gingerbread houses for, like, the celebrities of the world. So. Gingerbread.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Look how excited H. Foley is right now. This is. He cannot hide his giddiness.

[B]

He's slipping out of his seat right now.

[A]

He's wondering if you could have a. Perhaps a gingerbread mansion. Is there perhaps a neighborhood for sale of gingerbread houses?

[D]

Come drop bushes.

[A]

I'm in love. He wants to Airbnb some of these gingerbread houses.

[D]

This fat guy is eating the sidewalk.

[B]

That's not even gingerbread.

[D]

Solving's the town is called Solving. Solving the murder. It's in California, and it's the Danish capital, so a lot of Danish people live there.

[I]

Yeah.

[D]

And a lot of gingerbread houses.

[A]

Yeah, it does look like a gingerbread house town. It's a bunch of wineries. It's an awesome place to take, like, a girl.

[D]

That's how we end up in some witch's pot or some shit like that. Right this way, boys.

[A]

Bread pan.

[B]

They get together. I hear there's a whole town made of gingerbread. They meet up at their meetings and fucking share stories.

[D]

It's like Midnight Cowboy. We're on a bus. My nose is bleeding. Don't worry, Foley, I'm gonna get you there. Nobody saw Midnight Cowboy, okay? Deep cut if you watch Graham Norton, you know what I'm talking about.

[A]

Oh, my God. What does your husband do for work?

[I]

He works for goop.

[A]

What does that mean? What is that, Gwyneth Paltrow?

[I]

Well, he works in the supply chain, but he was okay. He was.

[A]

Wow. There's some real supply sluts in the audience tonight. Jesus Christ. Yeah, get back on the receiving. Get back on the line, bitches.

[D]

They make vagina candles.

[J]

Ah.

[B]

Polly's second favorite thing.

[A]

Yeah, gingerbread houses and vagina candles.

[D]

That's a Disney movie.

[A]

Let's go. I love it. Well, Brooke, congratulations. You got pulled. First you got it started. Here's a little joke book. Go show it to your husband. And it goes on and on. One more time for Brooke, everybody. There she goes. The show has begun. Your next comedian, I do believe has been on before makes some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. Phoenix Provocateur, Here we go.

[K]

So one of the best parts about my life right now is that my boyfriend goes to work all day and then he wants to come home and suck my dick. So sometimes going around straight people feels like going cow tipping. Are they awake? Are they not? We'll get there. So over the holidays, my great grandma told me that the best nigga to be or the worst nigga to be. My bad, the worst nigga to be is a white nigga. Now this is a 90 year old woman. She tells me shit like that all the time. She told me when she was little that she used to terrorize white kids by saying, God loves us more because he took the time to color us in. I think it makes sense. I think it makes sense. And then they had me and I think she questioned everything after that. But it's okay. It's all right.

[A]

So, all right, that's it for Phoenix. I'll stop there. Boom. Is your second time on this show.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

How could I forget a Phoenix Provocateur? Never one of the rare. Whatever the you are. I don't even know exactly how to label you. Some type of African dragon or something like that. I'm not exactly.

[K]

You can call me whatever you want as long as you pay me eventually.

[A]

Well, looks like I'll stick with Phoenix Provocateur.

[F]

That's what I thought.

[A]

I'm not in the business business of paying these bucket pools.

[B]

Just curious how much. Just for my personal information,

[A]

this is a what if.

[K]

Just give me your wallet, we'll make it work.

[A]

Oh, hurry up.

[B]

I am almost hard right now. Yeah.

[A]

Time to slowly take things out of your wallet and then hand it to it. Right. Her. Her.

[K]

I got about seven layers on, so we'll make it through the whole wallet.

[A]

Okay. I think he's more interested in the bottom layer. Yeah. Phoenix, welcome back. Do you live here in Austin?

[K]

I do.

[A]

Okay. What do you do for work again?

[K]

I don't.

[A]

You don't work? Wow. Oh my goodness. You really are a woman.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

The supply ladies are pissed. We work so hard.

[K]

I've been with an oil filled man for a couple years, so.

[A]

An oil field man?

[K]

Yeah, I. I could clean, smoke dick and suck weed. Okay, we'll put it together.

[A]

Yeah. All right. That's amazing. And you guys live together full time?

[K]

Yes. It's been about five years.

[A]

Is in. How much time does he spend on the oil field?

[K]

Now he works in a crane here, but before, it was like four years before we moved out here.

[A]

Okay. Is the crane that he works on in your pants?

[K]

No.

[A]

Is the oil field that he works with your ass. I have so many questions. That's cool. That's fun. What do you guys do for fun? What's a date night for people like y'?

[G]

All?

[A]

Is he always. Is he, like, excited? Like he's white? Oh, wow.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Is he taller than you?

[G]

No.

[K]

There's not a lot of people that are taller than.

[A]

Matt Muelling has a great question. He's putting it together. White guy, works in oil fields. Is it Uncle Laser? The world wants to know if your five year relationship is Uncle Laser.

[K]

He fucking wishes.

[A]

I bet. I bet. Wait, why does he wish? It's Uncle Laser or Uncle Laser wishes?

[K]

Uncle Laser wishes.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

Guaranteed. Uncle Laser goes. Where was I? I asked a good question.

[B]

What was the last job you had?

[A]

The last job I had?

[K]

I was delivering for Amazon.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[K]

So there's that.

[A]

Yep. You still have a package.

[K]

And I broke my.

[B]

Talk about the back door.

[A]

Yeah. Kevin's been waiting for that package for four and a half minutes and it is prime and it looks like it came from the Amazon. All right.

[B]

Hey. What?

[A]

No, no, it came from El Paso. Oh, that's right. El Paso. My goodness. So how old were you when you moved to Austin?

[K]

It was like a year ago. Okay, so 27.

[A]

Is there anything you miss about El Paso?

[K]

No.

[A]

El Paso family.

[K]

There's family out there.

[A]

Okay.

[K]

That's it.

[A]

Did they miss you for sure? Yeah, of course. They love you.

[K]

I'm the most colorful person in the family. Of course they fucking miss me.

[A]

Absolutely. And you're probably, what, the most flamboyant. Right. Eccentric, you would say?

[K]

For now.

[A]

Well, what do you think's happening? You got a little nephew acting a fool?

[D]

No,

[K]

a bunch of them. A lot of them want to be entertainers, so they're gonna be colorful one way or another.

[A]

That's what's happening with these kids. Nothing but fucking their iPhones, iPads all the time. They're fucking vaccinated. These kids are coming out gay as fuck. There's a whole new purple wave coming.

[K]

That part.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

I just saw a TikTok the other day of this kid. Or there's this guy standing in the mirror somewhere, like, taking a shirt Off. Like, oh, yeah, I'm at the gym or whatever, and this kid walks in and he goes, oh, this is a. This is the boys bathroom. And the kid goes, yeah, I know I'm a boy. I just wear girls clothes. And then slams the stall door behind him like, shut the fuck up. Like, mind your own business, you loser. I thought it was the cuntiest thing I've ever fucking saw, because that was me as a kid. I'm not weird. You're weird. Mind your own fucking business.

[A]

Fuck, yeah. Okay, stop. All right, perfect. So, Phoenix, how's comedy been going? What have you been doing? What are some good gigs you've done lately? What are you looking forward to?

[K]

Well, I just did Nashville again probably a couple weeks ago, and honestly, I don't know. I'm just looking to try to, like, break the glass ceiling a little bit. I've been on stages for, like, 14 years, so at this point, if I'm not getting paid, I don't really move off of my couch because I got dick and weed and champagne at home. So.

[A]

That's incredible. Such a. You know what you like. You know these people that, like, stayed the same gender their whole lives, they. They make things too complicated, it seems.

[K]

For sure. For sure. Colors and knowing where your asshole's at is a lot of fun.

[A]

That's what I always said. This grandma of yours, are you still close with your grandma? Yeah, yeah.

[K]

All my family, they're all. We're all a little senile, but, yeah, we're all still around.

[A]

Senile.

[K]

Crazy. Just crazy.

[A]

Great.

[K]

We're all crazy.

[A]

What does grandma think about. Did she know that you were going to. And when do you think. Think everyone.

[B]

You're really tiptoeing around this. I've never seen Tony blush. That's crazy.

[A]

Being on my. Being on my tiptoes is the only way to hang out with Phoenix.

[G]

She is a big lady.

[A]

I'm not that big. They are a power forward. What are you talking about? You are getting rebounds above everybody on this.

[D]

She got high heels on.

[K]

If I did a jump split, all of the lights on 6th street would go out. And that's just because of my dick.

[A]

I bet it would. I bet it would. I love it. So all your time on stage, you said 14 years you've been on stages. What were you doing again the rest of the time?

[K]

I became a national champion as a dancer, and then I became an infamous drag queen here in the state of Texas, where I just bring fear amongst everybody. They hate to see this ponytail. Oh, I Don't have a ponytail right now. Normally I do, but they hate to see this fucking hair coming because I'm one of the highest paid girls on any fucking show I'm on. And that's with tips. Crowd applause. Whatever.

[B]

Yes.

[K]

So I come here to say. I don't come here to ask if I'm entertaining. That's already been proven, verified and decorated. I come here to get another ring, if that makes sense. Right?

[A]

Absolutely.

[K]

Sharpen another knife.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. Guys. What do you think about Phoenix Provocateur?

[B]

It's, like, oddly turned on and also very, very scared.

[L]

Good.

[A]

Yep. Goes both ways.

[B]

You're captivating.

[K]

Yeah. That's the brand. It's working.

[B]

I am confused. I'll give you that.

[A]

You guys are from New York. I bet you didn't think that we had these in Texas.

[B]

Avatars.

[A]

Well, I'll take that. I'll take. Think that.

[K]

A lot of people don't know that Texas is known for its. And its drag queens. We're everywhere here. It's just not something the media wants you to know. We're here.

[A]

The fake news is not reporting that.

[J]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I love it. H. Foley, what are you. You're being awfully quiet over there. I know.

[B]

This is right in Foley's wheelhouse, by the way.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

He loves sweets. I don't know if Adam's apple is on that list of his favorite sweets.

[K]

There are surgeries for that.

[D]

I'm a Toblen man.

[A]

Don't worry.

[D]

You're a what again? European candy.

[B]

It's long Tootsie Roll.

[A]

Oh, is this another Midnight Cowboy reference coming here? Some deep cuts coming for me. I love it. Do you. Have you ever played sports?

[K]

A bunch of sports, Yeah. I did track. I literally almost said coc. Country.

[A]

Cross country.

[K]

Yeah, Cross country.

[A]

Basketball.

[K]

And then dance was my main thing.

[A]

Right. So did I make you dance last time you were here?

[K]

You didn't. They were playing Dude Looks Like a Lady. The last time I was here. And that's.

[A]

Sorry about that.

[B]

That was a coincidence.

[A]

This band can really. Yeah, they play that all the time for everybody.

[M]

I don't know why.

[A]

With that. I want to say y' all are

[K]

lucky I put my microphone down because I would have lit y' all asses up.

[A]

Oh, she would have licked y' all asses up. Did you hear that? Can you believe that? All right, can we get like a. Just a few seconds of a dance move or something like that? I want to see. Sure. One, two, one. All right. Hey. This party is wild. Wow. That Is incredible. That is so ladylike. That is so ladylike. That is incredible. Like, that's the part where it's like, oh, it's a fucking lady.

[K]

I told you I would have been a DCC if I didn't have a 9 inch dick.

[A]

What's a DCC?

[K]

A Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[K]

But I also found out they only get paid $500 and I can make that in brunch, so fuck that.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Absolutely incredible. The guy in the front row is very excited. I do believe. Oh, yeah, I do believe your dick slapped him in the forehead during one of those dance moves. That is incredible.

[K]

It's still taped between my shoulder blades. You are fine,

[A]

Phoenix, you got a big joke book last time you were here.

[K]

No, I got a little one.

[A]

Well, guess what, my friend. There you go. There's. Were you gonna catch it with your ass? Yes. That's incredible. Phoenix. Prabaka tour, everybody. There she goes. We'll wait a second. No way. Wow. I have been informed that the first girl's boyfriend has randomly been pulled out of the bucket by our production team. Oh, the lovely Heidi is here, everybody. So here he is. This is Brooke Riddle's husband who she said, she's funnier than. This is a minute uninterrupted from Adam Mitchell, everybody. Here we go.

[L]

So I want to tell you about the time Mormons came to my door to spread the word of Jesus Christ

[E]

for the first time.

[L]

I was a 13 year old kid. You knock on the door, I open, hello, sir. Can we please talk to you about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Really? Get the fuck out of here. They're like, no, we have to. Plus he's watching, like, all right, here's my mom. You know, they always ask for the parent. My mom's like the most Jewish lady ever. She comes to the door, hello, boys.

[G]

How can I help you?

[L]

They're like, hello, miss, can we talk

[E]

to you about Jesus?

[L]

Follow me. I do have a pile of leaves, two rakes, and a trash can if you please clean the leaves. I'd love to listen to you talk about Jesus. And they did. And they mowed the lawn and they cleaned out the garage and they came back. I think my mom was the only person in our little town abusing. I mean, listening to these kids, it was great. They were doing the Lord's work and my work. I didn't have to do chores for months. All right, thanks, guys.

[A]

All right, Adam Mitchell. Okay. Hi, Adam. Hey, Tony. How's it going?

[F]

Good.

[A]

How are you good? This is a magical night for you.

[L]

This is a dream come true.

[A]

Your wife was pulled out of the bucket two bucket pulls ago.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

In between you guys was a massive black tranny. The only thing separating you guys was a phoenix provocateur. Seven, six, in. In the air, boohemoth of a lovely lady. She can dance. She's multi talented. She left here with a big joke book. Did you see her?

[L]

Yeah. Beautiful.

[A]

Look at this guy trying to make it in showbiz. This guy wants to be in one of his ladies Disney commercials. Absolutely beautiful. Tony. No, I'm kidding. All right, Adam, welcome, welcome. How's it going? So how do you feel about all this? How do you think that minute went for you?

[L]

I think it went pretty well.

[A]

Pretty well?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Okay. Some of those people. Some people. That's about the amount of people that voted for Kamala Harris in the last election. Small percentage. I love it. Adam, tell us something that we don't already know about. Whether you do for work again. Jesus Christ.

[B]

How could you forget?

[A]

Oh, my God. You've been doing stand up for two years. You started because your girl was kind of doing improv and sketch, right?

[L]

Yeah. So she started about two years ago. I started about a year ago.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. And what's the highlight of your comedy career so far? What's the most fun you've ever had doing this?

[L]

I got to do the Ice House

[A]

a few weeks ago in Pasadena. That's right.

[L]

That was a lot of fun.

[A]

And how long did you do on that set?

[L]

I think I did six or seven minutes.

[A]

All right. And you kept their attention? You kept it going?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

What other types of things did you talk about? You obviously did that Mormon story, because if you're willing to do it in front of millions of viewers, then that's part of it. What else did you talk about?

[L]

I talk about Mexicans and my big. My big juicy.

[A]

What do you. What are you. So hold on a second here. We're going to get to that. We're going to get to that. Juicy ass. What do you say about Mexicans on stage? I have to know what the most white human being I've ever seen in my life. A guy who lives in a Danish super white community now. La. But okay, what is it?

[L]

I mean, it is in Southern California, so I got a ton of Mexican friends and people I admire and that. They're just super prideful people.

[A]

Yeah. You sound like me after the Trump rally. This is great. I have a lot of Latino Friends. My band's Latino. Everyone's Latino.

[B]

That's the whitest shit.

[A]

Yeah, I have tons of friends.

[B]

They're great, admirable people.

[A]

No one says that.

[L]

I love taco salad.

[A]

All right, all right. Okay. So what do you say about the Mexicans on stage?

[L]

So Mexico only has one gas station, Pemex. And Mexicans love to put Pemex stickers on their car. And, like, you never see anybody with, like, an ARCO sticker, but you'll see, you know, Americans with NASA stickers. It's a cool government agency. They went to the moon. Allegedly. So what Mexicans, I guess, are thinking is, you know, Pemex may not get us to Mars, but it will get us across the border.

[D]

You say I'm doing deep cuts? Yeah, you never had a toble before? You fucking animals. This guy's talking about Mexican. Wawas the. Get Phoenix back out here, God damn it.

[B]

Some eye candy.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Okay, so, Adam, let's talk about your. Your actual life some more. Your childhood, normal. You do anything weird? What's going on with you?

[L]

Raised by my single mom was one of the only Jews in our little town. You know, regular kids would ask me if Jews celebrated Thanksgiving every November. You know, just normal.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

Yeah.

[D]

You're not from the town where your wife is, right?

[L]

Yeah, we're from the same town. We're high school sweethearts, man. Wow.

[D]

One of the only Jewish families in a Danish and finish area.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Was that rough for you? Was there a lot of anti Semitism, as you guys call it?

[L]

I mean, I got called.

[A]

I don't know what was there.

[L]

I mean, you get called Jew here and there, but I do it right back.

[D]

That would qualify, yeah.

[A]

How did they say it? What was the meanest? Anybody do an impression of the guy? That was the meanest.

[L]

Okay. So I think people expected me, since I was Jewish, to be smart in class, so they'd copy my work and just get it all wrong. So one day the kid behind me would, like, sneak over after he failed the test because I also failed it, and he'd just go, jew.

[B]

Wow. He wasn't wrong.

[L]

Yeah, he got that right.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. All right. How's your single mom doing?

[L]

Oh, she's great. She just retired. She paints murals at the school. She retired from? Yeah. She's an artist.

[A]

Okay. Very nice. And what exactly are you doing on this supply chain?

[L]

I just make sure everything gets made and gets to the warehouse before it's supposed to launch.

[B]

That's what I would say if you asked me what supply chain management is.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That seems like the most basic answer humanly possible.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. My goodness. Adam, one last question. What scares you? What are you scared of?

[L]

What am I scared of? Well, I'm a bit. I love cars, so I think dying in a car accident, because I drive a lot. I love cars, so probably dying in a car accident, driving too fast and being too reckless.

[A]

Do you drive fast?

[L]

What kind of car do you have of an E93? The BMW 328. It's nothing crazy, but.

[F]

Whoa.

[L]

It's 14 years old. Yeah. It's sick.

[B]

You are Jewish.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. And you're inside of a.

[L]

It has a gas leak.

[A]

It has a gas leak. Oh, okay. That's an attempt at a Jew joke. I. Wow. All right, well, you and your girl can take your two tiny joke books and make a big one out of it if you try hard enough. There he goes. Adam Mitchell. We're having fun here. Everything's right on schedule. It's an exciting time. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. His name is Javier Ramirez, everyone. Javier Ramirez.

[M]

Hello, everybody. Hello, world. Good to be here. Okay, let's talk about it. Contrary to popular belief, I have not yet gone through puberty. I am puberty. That is my favorite way to say. I say I go inside of teenagers. Who's with me? No. Oh, no. But, yeah, I just moved back to America. Very happy about that. It's cool to see slimy people sell everything, even kids. So wonder what a commercial. Yeah. Come on down. We're running a sale on new children with features such as feistiness and easy disposability.

[N]

Ooh.

[M]

Call now or Visit our website, theclintonfoundation.org do you guys like impressions? All right, here's one. I have a pussy. I promise that's Michelle Obama. Usually I'm not good at those, but that one is spot on. All right, thank you.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Javier Ramirez, closing with his best joke. Always a smart move, erases the memory of all the creepy you talked about before.

[M]

Yeah, I do love kids.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[M]

Oh, no, I wanna.

[A]

Sorry, go ahead. No, sure. If you're gonna. You're gonna be creepy, go right ahead. It gives us something to work with.

[M]

How you doing, huh?

[A]

How are you? How are you? You've been on this show before?

[M]

Yes, once. And I was on with Matt Rife. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[M]

It's fun time. Good to see you guys, huh?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Hey, buddy, how are you?

[M]

Hey. Good. Doing good? Yeah. No nervous at all. Oh, yeah. What's going on.

[A]

All right, all right. So what do you do for work?

[M]

So I work in tech, but I'm really trying. Yeah, keep going.

[A]

And you're really hoping to what?

[M]

Just do more voiceover stuff? More comedy. I've been doing a lot of comedy and I love it. My God, am I enamored with it. Yeah. I just moved back to America, so I'm very happy to, like, bomb. You know, just being here is the dream.

[A]

Yeah, it seems like you'd be very good at voiceover. It seems like you would be good at that. Have you done anything? What have you done? Yeah, I have friends that work over at Disney if you need some.

[M]

I love the Jews.

[A]

Okay. You know, getting word you were just hired by Disney. Congratulations.

[M]

It's all happening as trans. I'll do it. Yeah. Just. Just like regular commercials and like ivrs and like, dumb stuff. It's just like. It's a weird industry now, you know, so comedy is really where it's at, you know, I feel like. I don't know.

[A]

Can you say. Hold on a second. Hold on. Can you say. This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony live from the comedy mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Hinchcliff.

[M]

This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. I kind of.

[A]

Do you know how to press random buttons any? At inopportune times. This is incredible. Yeah, this is incredible. Holy. This is amazing. Oh, here we go.

[M]

I'm coming for you.

[A]

Part noise. All right, all right.

[M]

That's what he does. He's the best in the business. But I'm coming for you, fatty.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, my good.

[E]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Great. So. Oh, look at out. Roasted. All right. Got my ass. Javier, what do you do for fun?

[M]

Well, really, I do a lot of, like, hang out at comedy clubs. I come see shows, go swimming, harass people. I don't know.

[A]

Where do you go swimming at? What kind of swimming is this? Are you the guy drowning gay guys in the river? Yeah. Come on over here. Let's go for a swim, my little friend. No one's going to hear you scream.

[M]

I muffle them, baby. You know? But yeah, just mostly a lot of comedy. I'm always at a creek and. Yeah. Hanging out, you know. Okay. Lot of comedy.

[A]

When did your voice start to sound. How old were you? When your voice started sounding about 15.

[M]

It was very confusing. They don't really know.

[D]

How long have you been a ghost?

[M]

Get out.

[D]

There you go.

[M]

You know, it was. I was Definitely creepy from before that.

[A]

So, you know what was creepy before that?

[B]

Everything about it.

[D]

You look like if AI made a pedophile.

[M]

Oh, thank you. I earned this mustache, I'll tell you that right now.

[B]

He's only got four fingers. It's a deep cut.

[A]

Wait, what? Really?

[D]

Why?

[A]

That's from the Graham Norton show, right?

[B]

Trying to expand to European markets here.

[A]

I love it. Javier, do you have a girlfriend?

[M]

I'm.

[A]

What are you. What are you exactly, Javier?

[M]

No, I'm actually. I haven't kissed anybody here.

[A]

Yeah, very funny.

[M]

All right. No, I. I'm not. It's hard to date here in Austin. There's a bunch of, you know.

[A]

Well, that doesn't make any sense. That would mean that it's easy to date.

[M]

Well, yeah, you know, it's. It's been fun, but, you know, I. I really want to, you know, a traditional. You know, I just moved back from Costa Rica, so it's like I wanted one that I could talk to. You know what I mean?

[F]

What?

[A]

What do you. What do you mean? I don't know what you mean.

[M]

I don't know. It's. It's just that he's white. No, go.

[A]

Go ahead, light it out.

[M]

No, no, I love. I love the whites. I love all of them. You know, it's just fun. It's just like. It's a dating city, you know, so it's not really. I'm trying to.

[F]

What?

[M]

What?

[A]

You're. This part. You're. You've had answers for everything up until this part right here.

[M]

Yes.

[A]

What's a date with you? Like, what. What is. What.

[M]

What.

[A]

What's going on here?

[M]

I bomb a lot of. No, it's fun. I like to, you know, have fun with them. And then.

[B]

He sounds like he's never talked to a girl before.

[A]

Yeah. This is freaking me out.

[B]

I talk to him and we go swimming.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

I think we should make this guy sweat. Let's do a little segment on a date with Heidi, everybody. Heidi, we've done this before. There's nothing like watching a nervous man who's not good at dating. Look Heidi directly in the eyes. Heidi, grab that microphone right there. Let go of her hand, you freak. All right, let's get the lighting right for this, guys. This is a little date session. There you guys are. Good to see you.

[M]

Javier, you look fantastic. Heidi, how are you?

[A]

Good to see you.

[M]

Yep. So what do you like to do usually when you're not with Tony?

[I]

I like to dream about being with Tony.

[M]

Oh, yeah? Do you like to read Books. Do you listen to books?

[I]

I do. I do both, actually. I listen and I read books.

[M]

I would love to read to you, baby. Let me tell you, with that voice,

[I]

you can tell me literally anything.

[M]

Yeah, you like smart.

[A]

I don't like this.

[M]

Well, do you? I don't know.

[I]

What is this much?

[M]

Well, I've come to realize, you guys, what you're reading is horrible. Terrible things. I don't know. What do you like to read, Heidi?

[I]

I like to read.

[A]

You really are bad at this, Javier. This is absolutely incredible. A lot of. A lot of two questions at a time. Do you read books? Do you listen to books?

[I]

Yeah. Just one thing at a time, please.

[M]

Yeah.

[I]

Yes, a lot of Dostoevsky philosophical books.

[A]

All right, Heidi, we get it. You're smart, too. Don't show off.

[M]

Heidi is smart.

[A]

Make it about Javier. Heidi, make it about Javier. Javier, Javier, we're going to give you another shot. Let's pretend like you're deeper into the date, Right? You guys have already eaten. The waiter just asked if you guys want dessert. She wanted cheesecake. He walks away. Now you're planning your next move. Javier, what do you say to Heidi? Look her directly in the eyes. Do not break eye contact with Heidi. Heidi, you do not have to touch him during this exam.

[M]

Really got into it there.

[A]

The waiter walks away. And action.

[M]

So do you like. Do you like a dark spirit?

[A]

Jesus Christ. Can you think of anything creepier to say? Jesus Christ. Javier, do you like it when ghosts

[M]

crawl out from under your bed?

[D]

Are you into worms by any chance?

[I]

Please don't take me to Ladybird late.

[M]

Oh, no, baby. You're going straight in a barrel.

[A]

All right, all right.

[M]

I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry.

[A]

All right, let's. I'm trying so hard, Javier. I'm trying to get you to close strong. Let's try it again. Dessert order taken. Waiter walks away. And action.

[M]

Do you like Latin men? Latin men? Have you ever been with Latin? Ah, see? Very passionate lovers. You do know that? Yes. Hey, shout out my beans.

[A]

Keep it up. Keep it on the day. Keep it on the date.

[M]

What is it about a Latin man that you find attractive?

[I]

I like the passion.

[M]

Yes.

[I]

Yes. I like the language.

[A]

I love the language.

[I]

I love the voices.

[M]

Oh, yeah. You know, we all sound like this. Yes,

[I]

hopefully.

[M]

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I love. I have a studio if you want to go check it out. You know, we could record or do stuff.

[I]

What sort of studio are we talking here?

[M]

I do audio stuff. Do you like books?

[A]

All right, Heidi, get out of here. He's short circuiting. All he can talk about is books. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? A lot of people don't know this. Heidi speaks like 11 languages. She's like the Hans Land of this show.

[M]

I've spoken with Heidi. She's very smart. I don't like to say that.

[A]

Wait, what'd you say?

[M]

Oh, yeah, Well, I spoke to Heidi before. Like, when I did the show, I spoke to Heidi more.

[A]

You spoke to Heidi?

[M]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[M]

Yes.

[A]

Did you say you worked with Heidi?

[M]

No, no, no. After the kill. Tony from last time.

[G]

Right?

[M]

Just spoke.

[G]

Oh.

[M]

How are you guys undoing, huh? I'm sorry.

[A]

You should be. You could be just a lot more relaxed. It's unbelievable what women do to you. What? What happened to you? Did some. Was it someone bully? Were you bullied by a woman or something?

[M]

Hear my set? Come on now. No, I love women. I'm trying to do it.

[A]

It's like a robot on. This is me. This is me in the mirror before going to work. I love women. You're a man and you love women.

[M]

Yes.

[A]

You're a real man and you love women. You're a good comedian and a good friend. Jesus, dude.

[B]

Who knew the movie phone guy was

[A]

such a creep coming this summer?

[M]

Me.

[D]

All right, why don't you just tell me how you want me to murder you?

[A]

Javier, did you get a little joke book?

[M]

I got a little one last.

[A]

There you go. And that remains the same.

[M]

Doing it.

[A]

Javier Ramirez, everybody. What the was that? Put that in the mic stand, Javier. Jesus Christ.

[M]

My bad.

[A]

What kind of. Ramirez doesn't finish the job? Put the mic where you found it. Put it on the X, you crazy bastard. This diva over here. You can't close with a woman or a set. Javier Ramirez, ladies and gentlemen, we have another. Not even a regular, not a golden ticket winner. He's always been a special utensil. A very polarizing figure. You know, word is is that the people on the Internet don't like him. People in live crowds love them. It seems we can't really. He's one of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show. Here with a new minute. Make some noise for the long awaited return of Uncle Laser.

[G]

All right, relax. You know I'm talking about. Listen, Kanye west said you fat means you a broke, okay? Y' all might as well call me Section 8 housing, all right? Because I love a thick. Where my thick at? I can hear your mouth breathing. Calm down. I hear your mouth breathing, all right? I like a built like A nose tackle like a worn SAP. They said, where y' all meet? I said, in the A gap. Of course. That's where we met, right? Once. I met a thick Mexican at a quinceetta the other day. It's a Mexican birthday party, okay? She was sitting there looking like Nacho Libre. I said, hello, how you doing, darling? She was breastfeeding a seven year old, which I thought that was a little olden age. Be doing all that, but la familia, you know, whatever. But she had that second titty out, just blowing around in a breeze. I said, now, who's that for? I went in there and got me a little suckle that tasted like horchata. I love her very much. My name's Uncle Laser. Y' all been great.

[A]

Wow. Uncle Laser. Shell showing growth, showing improvements. A grower, a grower, a grower. He just keeps growing while still being 5ft 1 inch.

[G]

Okay. Dude, grew up by a power plant. I'm built like a Clydesdale.

[A]

Something like that. Something like that. I loved it, man. Pure momentum through the whole set. Where my thick ladies at? A lot of them in the back. There was a lot of them back there. A lot of noise in the darkness. A lot of ladies like, please, not near the front. Not near the front. Could tell the back went wild for the thick ladies. How's it going, Uncle Laser?

[G]

Going good. She brought Phoenix up here and said that I had sex with her.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

She claims to be with an oil man.

[G]

I was in the back going, no, no, you know, not in front of them.

[A]

Yep.

[G]

But listen, you get them bottom and bottom mimosas, bottomless mimosas at the. Bottomless mimosas at the fucking drag brunch. And you get them boys dressed up like girls up there dancing Lady Gaga's I Was Born this Way. And I'm like, were you really? You know, And I'm just like, what's happening? So,

[A]

Lazer. Oh, my goodness. Pure momentum right now. This could be his greatest performance yet. Everybody I could tell, I've seen him. I've seen him have moments like this. This before. This is. We are going to relapse tonight. Laser 101. I've seen it before. All it takes is a few minutes on this show for him to lose control of his entire life. I am not kidding, by the way. It's funny because it's true and he knows it. This is one of those moments where right now he's just thinking about pure cocaine.

[G]

With that being said, if anybody's got a grandma, so you have to show in the bathroom.

[A]

Look at that. Have you guys seen Laser before? I have it.

[B]

This guy's. I mean, I've seen your clips and stuff. You're awesome, dude.

[D]

Who doesn't like him? That's crazy.

[B]

This is. I mean, the powerhouse. What the.

[G]

Yeah, I'm just. I'm actually gay.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing.

[D]

I did.

[G]

I just want to say one thing. Santa Fe, New Mexico. No. You went down there for a ski trip, have fifteen hundred dollars worth of Uncle Lazer merch and Homeless. Tore the camper off the back of my trucks to hold my goddamn merch.

[A]

Wait, there's a bunch of homeless people wearing Uncle Laser merch right now. Can we get some fucking fans in Santa Fe, New Mexico, to go around to the alleyways and take some pictures for us, please? I need this so badly. Please tag Uncle Laser and kill Tony Show. And Red Ban, please.

[G]

It's a serious matter. Can we please get it returned?

[A]

Red Band is already looking at the satellite cameras in Santa Fe, New Mexico. We're trying to zoom in. We could not be more excited. I don't know if these homeless people know that they can afford Uncle Laser merch. It's very available. The prices are ridiculously low.

[G]

I woke up the next morning, I'm like, I'm fine in this shit. Because they stole my snowboarding gear and shit too. I went down there to an encampment and Polly sure was down there teaching them magic tricks. I'm sure he. I'm pretty sure he's building a fucking army. We need to watch out for him, you know? But hey, he's fucking. I hate them homeless. I wish we could hunt them like deer. I mean, it's a tax system. It's ethical. You get two homeless and one bicyclist each year. I mean, I don't even run red lights. I just throw fucking batteries at them. I fucking hate them.

[A]

I love it. What kind of batteries?

[G]

AAA D batteries. Thank you.

[L]

Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

The heavy bashes, actually 9 v them. We'll hit them.

[A]

Heavy Duty. Yeah, Heavy Duty. I love it. Laser. And what's your love life like right now? What's.

[G]

I got a woman down from Buffalo. We just got one of those stripper dogs.

[A]

Is it a buffalo? Is that what you said?

[G]

A little French bulldog?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[G]

Oh, you know the woman I'm dating?

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

She's a doctor.

[A]

She's a doctor? Yeah. Oh, my God. Whoa.

[G]

What a dumbass. Because I'm not a doctor, you know.

[A]

Wow. I'm just guessing. She's a proctologist.

[G]

What's that?

[A]

Specializes in. She's got a lot of work on her hands.

[G]

Yeah, no, we're hanging out. I thought I had cancer the other day. Colon cancer. It runs in my family. But, like, my shits kept coming out, like, crooked, right? Like, and they have, like, a little groove in them. And I was like, like, everybody. Like, when you go to McDonald's, you get like the McFlurt and they do the like, and it makes that little spin motion. They're coming out like that. And I was like, it turned. I finally. It was a. I've been doing the coffee edemas.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

I want them coffee beans got lodged in that wouldn't break loose.

[A]

Wow. Absolutely.

[G]

I say I'm dating a doctor. That's why.

[A]

So, you know, Incredible. Incredible. And she's a doctor. She lives here now.

[G]

She's a physical orthopedic. She's got a medical degree. I don't quite know what she does.

[A]

I love it.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

Seems like you're a very good listener. Her back at home. All right, Laser. I mean, unbelievable set. You have this. You've taken this pro wrestling energy throwback, and you've only been doing it how long?

[G]

January was three years full time.

[A]

Three year veteran of the game, Uncle Laser.

[G]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Learn to love it. He is coming to your town. People of New Mexico, go to Santa Fe. Take pictures. If anyone who gets me pictures of homeless people wearing Uncle Laser merch gets a. I don't know what. Something, something. We'll figure it out.

[D]

He's fantastic.

[A]

Just know you'll bring me great joy. Okay. We having fun out there, huh? Make some noise for your next bucket pole. It is. Is Colin Sledge. Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go.

[N]

Thank you. So I used to work at the mall at express one time, these two ladies went in the same fitting room. And when that happens, apparently you're supposed to say, I'm sorry. We only allow one person at a time in the fitting rooms. But what I said was, oh, yeah. In my head, it was really quiet, you know, but they said I shouted it. I always say the wrong thing, you know, Like, I was hooking up with this girl and she was like, you know, talk dirty to me. And I was like, what do you want me to say? I'll just say whatever you want. Just tell me what to say. And she was like, just make me feel like a slut. I was like, you're such a slut. You're having sex with me. And at the end, she was like, did you even come? I Was like fisted.

[B]

You?

[N]

No. So why are you talking shit?

[A]

Oh, okay. Fuck yeah. Colin Sledge, I love it. You're your own thing. You got your own voice, your own in who you are. Amazing. How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

We'll call it three years.

[A]

Amazing. Where at?

[N]

Houston. Always Houston.

[A]

Okay. You still live in Houston?

[N]

Yeah, I live in Houston.

[A]

Amazing. Is that where you're born and raised?

[N]

Yes, born and raised.

[A]

I love it. What do you do for a living?

[N]

I'm a piano teacher.

[A]

Amazing. I love it. It makes perfect sense. You have your own rhythm. You do look like you play the organ at a haunted house. This all makes perfect sense. I love it. Guys. Colin Sledge. Can you believe what you're saying?

[B]

Killed. That was fantastic, man. Congratulations.

[D]

Killed it.

[N]

Thank you.

[B]

He is a creepy, but he's funny.

[D]

I feel like birds go quiet when you. You walk into the park. I mean, man.

[N]

My friends say I have resting serial killer face.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

They're imaginary.

[N]

Okay.

[A]

My friends in my head say,

[G]

wow,

[A]

Colin, you are your own thing, dude.

[B]

The way he looks at you like a bird. It's crazy. His head turns fully around.

[N]

Where's the camera? Where's my camera at?

[A]

Straight out there. There's one over there.

[B]

What the.

[A]

They're everywhere. It's wild that there's not a red light on that one in the back. Is there one back there? What do you would cover up the red light? That's weird. Okay.

[G]

All right.

[A]

So, Colin, what does a guy like you scary as? What does a guy like you do for fun when you want to let loose a little bit?

[D]

What part of the woman's body do you like to eat? First strike me as a shoulder blade man.

[N]

Which. Which question should I answer?

[A]

You stick with mine. Stick with mine.

[N]

Okay.

[B]

What cemetery do you live?

[A]

What do you like to do for fun? What would surprise us about you?

[N]

What would surprise you about me? I quit comedy for eight years and I just sort of got back six months ago.

[A]

Unbelievable. What made you quit eight years ago?

[N]

I just wanted to do something with my life.

[A]

What did you end up doing with your life?

[N]

Not very much. That's why I came back.

[A]

Wow, look at you. Unbelievable. So what else? Tell me more about you. When you want to let your hair down and not be so creepy, what do you do? What do you do for fun?

[N]

I hang out after open mics. That's.

[A]

That's a lot. You hang out with other comedians? Yeah, I love it. And other than that, like, other than they.

[N]

So when they diagnosed me with autism.

[A]

Ah, there it is.

[N]

There it is.

[B]

You had to get a diagnosis for that?

[N]

Yes.

[A]

He was still in the car. He pulled in. They're like, you got it. You gotta keep going. Yeah, he pulled in in reverse.

[B]

Buddy, we're not even gonna charge you to copay. You got enough problems.

[N]

Yeah, they could tell in high school, just the other kids, but I had to pay a lot of money and I didn't get diagnosed, so I was like 27 or something.

[A]

Wow.

[N]

But, yeah, they. They had me go to, like a autistic support group, but I was just

[B]

a bunch of guys staring at the wall.

[N]

Yeah, I was too high functioning for that.

[B]

Okay, well, you were.

[N]

I was. I was the most charismatic guy there.

[B]

Jesus must have been a real who's who.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

And so I had to find, like, I was too high functioning for the autistic people and not high functioning enough for the normal people. So I started doing open mics. And those are sort.

[B]

That's perfect.

[G]

Yeah.

[N]

Bridges the gap, you know.

[A]

Amazing.

[N]

Thank you.

[A]

Amazing. Colin.

[D]

Good dresser. Sharp, sharp kid.

[N]

I worked at the mall.

[A]

You did? Wow. What did you do at the mall?

[N]

I yelled at ladies going in changing rooms.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[N]

That was part of my set.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I remember now. I remember now. For some reason, I pictured you, like in the middle, like, with like sunglasses.

[D]

He's got real kiosk vibes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not main store.

[N]

Yeah, I wasn't much for the customer service aspect.

[B]

You don't say.

[N]

I like people cleaning, you know, Cleaning.

[F]

Yeah.

[N]

Folding shapes.

[A]

Ah, yeah, sure. Folding is good for you.

[B]

I don't even think he worked. He just went to Express and they let him fold the clothes.

[A]

Does this fucking guy work here?

[N]

I'm busy.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. How else do you flex your autism?

[N]

The piano stuff in the can, you

[A]

know, and I, we've never. I don't think we've ever done this before in the history of the show. But John, I mean, I mean, this is a one in a billion snag right here. I don't know how blatantly he can get out. He'll get out just fine. He'll climb somewhere. Matt will let him out. D is it. I mean, John D's. Is it okay if we let this virtuoso step in for a second? I think he's asleep right now. Everybody, ladies and gentlemen. Put that mic in the mic stand there, Colin. And. And yeah. Wow. Deez is furious. This poor sportsmanship over here. My God. Shut the up. Come on, D. All right. Yeah. Make sure it's the piano Last thing we need is him freaking out and screaming because it comes out like a violin or something. Violin. It's a violin. There he goes. Colin, looking very uncomfortable as a blind man walks by. Okay. Yeah, he's blind. Yeah. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we never, ever, ever let anyone touch our amazing band leader, John de Piano. But I have to know what's going on with the stylings, ladies and gentlemen. This is the musical debut. And just let him play. I don't. Let's not back him up, right? Let's just let this. Just feel the flow of the stylings of Colin Sledge, everyone. Here we go.

[N]

Okay, this is the only thing I've memorized.

[A]

So, I mean, you can play anything you want.

[N]

This is the only thing. Okay.

[A]

Chopstick.

[N]

What is this Charlie Brown shape? Can I have a piano?

[A]

Yeah. Dees has. John Dees has set you up for failure. He wants to be the only good piano piano player. He's literally one of the most profitable musicians in Austin, but he. Can you play something you don't have memorized? Everybody's having a good time. All right, that's enough. Colin, you play like one of your students. I literally play piano better than you. No, Michael, no.

[N]

I need to sustain.

[A]

Okay, you need to sustain. There is a pedal down there. There's. There is. Yeah. There's multiple.

[N]

I'm not doing that.

[A]

You're so funny. I feel like the interviews with you could go on forever and ever. Do you feel at home here?

[N]

Oh, weirdly, yeah, actually.

[A]

Weirdly, yeah. How much material do you think you have if you had to do a rock solid, great set?

[N]

Well, I kept writing for the eight years, so I don't. I don't.

[A]

You have a lot of material.

[N]

I have a lot of material.

[A]

Okay. We're gonna do three things here. First of all, Red Band, he lives in Houston. That is correct. That's a two and a half hour drive right now. If you want to do the secret show Thursday. There you go. There you go.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Very good. And I want the talent booker here at the Comedy Mothership to see you. And the open mic here starts in about 15, 20 minutes, so stick around. You're going to get to showcase for the talent booker, the very famous Adam Egot, booker of here, former booker of the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, former co host of the Norm MacDonald Show. And I want you to do a guest spot on my show here at the Comedy Mothership. Wednesday at 7. It's a sold out show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Is that okay? Do you have enough. Is. Is it driving, too?

[N]

I'll make it work.

[A]

You're going to make it work. I think you will. That makes sense. But your interviews are so good. I think you should really come back here more so. You know what? But I'm gonna give you a golden ticket as well. That is just. There's just a level of autism. There's a level of autism missing from this show. Since Hans Kim is always busy on the road nowadays and we need someone like you, you're gonna fit in just fine. Congratulations. Here's the big joke, buck. Colin Sledge, ladies and gentlemen, has made his Kill Tony debut here. Colin Sledge. He's even got a good name.

[D]

Dude, look at that. Look at you.

[A]

It's amazing.

[D]

Amazing.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

That guy was fucking great, dude.

[A]

This lady's going to suck his cock right now. Just when you think. Just when you think. He's got everything going for him.

[J]

Ooh.

[A]

This guy's got a good name, too. Anything can happen here. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Gus Horn, everyone. Gus Horn. Here we go.

[L]

Oh.

[A]

All right.

[H]

Hey, good to be here. My name is gus horn. I'm 32 years old. I live in Atlanta, Georgia. These days, I don't know if you're gonna tell from my accent, but I am fat. I've been trying to work and I've been going to the gym. I got a trainer at the gym. Got so happy losing weight, you know, the train was like, gus, what are your goals at the gym? Do you want to bulk or do you want to cut? I was like, dude, just want to see my dick again, man. That's without a mirror.

[M]

That's.

[H]

I started losing weight recently, and people ask you, how much weight do you want to lose? What's your goal weight? And I never knew how to answer that because I haven't been small since I was small. So then. But recently I figured out my goal with this. I want to lose enough weight so that I can go skydiving. I don't know if you guys know there's a weight limit for skydiving, and I am too fat for gravity, apparently,

[B]

so

[H]

that's my goal. I want to go skydiving twice. Actually, anybody can go once. There's no. No requirement if it's a one time thing, you know?

[A]

Thank you, Gus Horn.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Welcome. Welcome, Gus.

[M]

Thank you.

[A]

31.

[H]

32.

[A]

32.

[B]

Yikes.

[D]

You look great, buddy.

[A]

What have you been doing this this whole life that makes you look like a 60 year old Bosnian veteran, war veteran.

[H]

I studied a lot, so that's not it.

[A]

What did you study? Cookbooks.

[H]

That too. Yeah, I was a nuclear engineer. I used to be.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Holy.

[D]

A little too much time down at the reactor, huh?

[H]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

This is incredible. Where were you a nuclear engineer at?

[H]

Oh, man. I worked in New Jersey for a while and also in Austria, in Vienna. Austria.

[N]

Wow.

[A]

Is that where that accent comes from?

[H]

No, I'm Brazilian.

[A]

Brazilian?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Well, you look a Brazilian years older than you are.

[B]

That was a home run, dude.

[A]

Stupid. That was the best joke I've ever heard. So stupid. Oh, we got D Madness back. There he is. There he is. Okay, so a nuclear engineer and you don't do that anymore, huh?

[H]

My last job was about a year and a half ago and I've been trying to do comedy full time since then, but I'm running out of money, so.

[A]

Okay, we'll see. Wow. So what do you think's gonna happen? What's happening, Gus? Tell us about it. You left a major, serious, safe, secure engineering job in order to chase your dreams of being a stand up comedian? Tell us about the process of that.

[H]

Well, I started comedy when I was about to finish my master's about eight years ago. And then I figured if I had spent all that money and time studying, I would do that for a little while while I did comedy. And then last job I had, I was able to save a little bit of money. So I been trying to do it full time the last year and a half.

[A]

And where do you do it at? How often do you get to perform?

[H]

Mostly in Atlanta, pretty much every day. But I've traveled all over. I've done it over 20 countries.

[A]

You've done stand up in 20 countries? You speak different languages?

[H]

Portuguese and English.

[A]

Yeah, but mostly, can you do a joke in Portuguese? For.

[H]

How long of a joke do I.

[A]

Just 20 seconds. You can really say anything. We don't know what it. I just want to know what it sounds. Yeah, he's good. Little Portuguese from a little pork and cheese. That's what I call that right there.

[D]

My man.

[A]

Absolutely adorable. You guys could be a fucking act together. A groundbreaking new comedy act.

[H]

Stage breaking too.

[A]

That's right. Absolutely. So, Gus Horn. Unbelievable. You were born in Brazil?

[H]

I was born in Washington, D.C. but my parents moved back when I was a baby and I lived there until I was 16.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Horn.

[D]

Not a Brazilian name, right?

[H]

It's one of my last names. It's like from the German side, but my last last name is Pereira. So.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Okay, as in Alex Pereira? Yeah. Wow. And is he part of your family?

[H]

Unfortunately, no. It's the most common. Is one of the most common last names in Brazil.

[A]

Yeah. No, I know. And then there's the horns. You're a little bit German.

[H]

Yeah, I think it's from the German before. Like the before what you're thinking of? Yeah.

[A]

Wait, what did the Germans do? What did you guys do? There is a little horn. There's a horn. There it is. Okay. Anything ever go wrong when you were nuclear engineering? You ever have a little. Little. What's that Chernobyl situation?

[H]

I worked in decommissioned power plants, so they were shut off already. But when I was doing an internship, there was a guy who got caught growing weed inside the power plant.

[A]

Whoa, dude. This weed is the bomb, dude. This shit is nuclear, dude. I can't even imagine. Did you get to try some of this weed?

[M]

I didn't know him.

[H]

It was just, like, a rumor in the office, but, yeah.

[A]

Wow. I mean, that batch had to be crazy. That is amazing. Nobody tried it. Just a rumor.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Gotta love a rumor like that. I mean, we love rumors. So, Gus, what's your love life like?

[H]

Oh, man, I became single about 10 days before Valentine's Day of last year.

[A]

A. Okay. So how did that happen? How did you become. Become single?

[H]

We got a puppy together, and then we broke up two weeks later, so.

[A]

Oh, my God. Amazing. Who brought the puppy home? Was it your idea?

[H]

We got it delivered.

[B]

What, UberEats?

[A]

Yeah. You got a puppy delivered? How did this happen?

[H]

I was living in Austria and it was a breeder in Hungary, and so they brought it over.

[A]

Wow.

[H]

Oh, and then, yeah, she kept the dog.

[A]

What kind of dog?

[H]

An Australian shepherd.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

He's cute. Yeah, he's nice.

[D]

What's his name?

[H]

Charlie.

[A]

Oh, poor Charlie.

[H]

He has an Instagram.

[A]

He does. Do you look at the Instagram?

[H]

From time to time. There's only one picture, I think.

[A]

Oh, okay. And it's. It's. It's. It's sad for you to see Charlie, isn't it?

[H]

I saw him a couple months ago. I went back to. To where I used to live, and we met up for a couple times. So I saw the dog.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, nice. Did you hang her? That was my next question. Did you bang her? Not the dog, no.

[H]

No.

[A]

I'm not poor, innocent Charlie. But your ex? No.

[H]

No.

[A]

Was the puppy kind of like a way to try to save the relationship, you think?

[H]

We had a lot of issues before. For sure, yes. It was a bad decision. But it seemed good at the time. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Have you been with a woman since that woman?

[H]

Not seriously, but I mean, one offs.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Physically you have.

[H]

Yes.

[M]

Yes.

[A]

How about. Oh, there's Charlie. Charlie's. Charlie's calling into the show right now. Charlie, we're here with your former owner, Gus Horn. Charlie, do you miss. Do you miss Gus at all? Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus, Charlie, you're out of control. This fucking dog is one. Oh, my God. All right, all right, that's enough. Hang up on Charlie.

[D]

Okay, when you said one offs, you meant one night stands, right? That's what you meant?

[L]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. I never heard it put like that before.

[H]

Yeah, it's my foreigner.

[A]

Where do you. Where do you find these girls? Fog of the chow.

[D]

Gus is all you can eat, baby.

[A]

He's been sitting on that since the word Brazilian came up. Everybody, you know, Red band. That is. That's what he thinks Brazil is.

[H]

Where do I find him? On dating apps.

[A]

You're right. I know. Just picturing meat being cut off in front of you when. As a Brazilian, when you were done with the relationship, did you just flip your coin over to let her know that you weren't down for anything?

[M]

I put it on red. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

There you go.

[H]

All right, back to green, Actually, so these.

[A]

These girls, where do you. Did I ask you where you find them at? Where you meet them at?

[H]

Mostly Hinge.

[A]

Right. Okay, so it's app. So, like, the most recent date that you went on, this was in Atlanta?

[H]

No, this was in Austria when I was visiting there.

[A]

In Austria. So, like, what do you do with a woman in Austria? What does a guy like Gus Horn do with a woman on a date from a dating app? Do you just have her come straight to your place?

[H]

No, I took him to see my show and then.

[A]

A comedy show.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Smart.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

And then what happened?

[H]

Then we got drinks, and then we went back to her place.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. You get them laughing.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

A couple drinks. What do you like?

[F]

And then.

[H]

And then. And then I apologize. Yeah.

[A]

What was that? Is that you? You have Fiona's laugh saved on a keyboard. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Hold on. Wait till it gets quiet. I want to hear it one more time right now. Just hit the button. That is incredible. This is amazing. I've been trying to get Red Band to add new sound effects for 13 years. Deez is back there just with his own secret collection. What else do you have back there? Anything else? You just saved Fiona's laugh. I love that. Hit it with Hit it one more time. He's amazing. Aha. Oh, you guys got to do like a remix with that. You got to put that into a song that belongs somewhere. Could play it at her funeral. Oh, come on. Shut up. Shut up. She's inevitably going to die. There you go. See, she's thinks it's funny. She has an uncurable disease. Am I not supposed to joke about it? All right, Gus, you are a very, very funny man. Congratulations. Thank you very much. How long you in Austin, Texas for?

[H]

Supposed to leave tomorrow, but I don't have a job, so I can change things.

[A]

Where are you going to go? Atlanta. Yeah, and what's your setup in Atlanta? You have an apartment, a house?

[H]

Staying with my parents for a little while.

[A]

Oh, staying with the parents. Oh, damn. There's a fucking gold digging bitch that's furious in the back. Here's a big joke book, Gus. Congratulations. Very funny, Very funny. Gus Horn, ladies and gentlemen. Sign up again sometime, Gus. I gotta tell you, this is an interesting name. Some more beers? Oh, it's going to be down over here. All right. This is an interesting name. Definitely a first time bucket pull. Let's see what happens here. This is the Kil Tony debut, no doubt, of Jasper the Disappointing Mime. Jasper the Disappointing Mime. Here he is, everybody. It's. Oh,

[J]

hello. I'm sorry, were you guys expecting a buncher? Well, first of all, that's racist of you. Just because I'm a mime doesn't mean I'm French, okay? Don't be a mimophobe.

[A]

Wow, the name holds true. Jasper the Disappointing Mime.

[J]

At least I don't lie to you guys. All right, all right, hold on. You guys want to see something funny? Really funny, I mean, all right, I'm not trusted with anything.

[A]

Oh, okay. Let's just do the show how we normally do it. Sorry, your time to do something funny. Was that. That was it. Okay, Jasper, first of all, let me remind you that white mimes use more white face paint than you've used tonight. You are blatantly. This is one of the best ways to not get deported I've ever seen. It's by being a mime. White face, a 58.

[J]

No one has noticed a thing, honestly.

[A]

Okay. How long have you been doing comedy, Jesse Whisper?

[J]

Not that long, actually. That's okay. A few years. A few years.

[A]

A few years. How long have you been doing the disappointing mime act?

[J]

Like six months.

[A]

Six months. What made you want to switch from being you to a disappointing mime?

[J]

I was already disappointing So I just decided to add something to it.

[B]

How'd that get sadder than what just happened?

[A]

Who told you? Who told you you were disappointed? Disappointing before my family. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. Did they see you perform?

[J]

Never. Not once.

[A]

Okay, so what. What made. What did you do that made them so disappointed in you?

[J]

Well, my dad's disappointed that I didn't finish mime college, and my mom's sad that I didn't follow her. Her profession, but I don't have a strip of body, so I can't do that. So

[I]

hit it.

[J]

I got one laugh. That's good enough for me.

[A]

Guys, that's it. Fiona gets the credit for that. Okay, Jasper, what do you do for work in real life?

[J]

Bartender, cuz. Well, I need a drink. Otherwise, you know, being up here, just sad. This is. This is the happy me. All right? Other me is sadder.

[A]

Is that true? Are you trying to be funny?

[J]

No, that's true, man. It's. I. You know, I didn't lose my virginity until I was, like, 22, and the only reason that happened is because I got robbed.

[A]

Wait, what?

[J]

That's a whole nother story. You don't have time for it. Don't worry about it.

[A]

Okay? We're gonna keep it moving along here.

[J]

Thank you. Appreciate that.

[A]

There you go. There you go. No, we don't. Let's get one more up here. Why not?

[D]

Absolutely. I liked them.

[B]

Now that belongs on the Graham Norton show.

[A]

You know, sometimes it's like, sometimes you have to ask yourself, oh, they're miming. They're miming music. Wow. They're jamming so hard. D's doing it too. D gets it somehow. D somehow D knows what they're doing. The.

[D]

The.

[A]

The absolute synergy of this band is incredible. To where the blind guy's like, I do believe that is, as far as I can remember, the first mime that we've ever had on the show, and definitely the first disappointing mime. You gotta like that he owns it. I was gonna ask him to lose the character and do stand up as himself, but it just. There's just something. There's a line you walk on this show. You know, there's a reason why other podcasts don't just pull names out of a bucket. There really is. There's. There's a real reason why that no one, no matter how funny or whatever they may be, has the courage to be like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna let anyone sign up. And a big part of the reason why is because every once in a while you get a Jasper, the disappointing mind. Someone in which you're like, wow, is this one day gonna be you? Used as evidence in a federal court. We've only had one bucket pool ever end up being a murder. And you know it's true. It's true. There's date lines and everything about it. Gareth Purse House. Gareth Purse House. And yeah. Made an a movie about it. Yeah. There's a lot going on. They've only just begun. Uncovering the great mystery of Gareth Purse House, who murdered Drew Carey's ex girlfriend while. Yeah, he got pulled out of the bucket. While Drew Carey, in an unbelievable turn of coincidences, was performing upstairs at the comedy store that night, Gareth Pursehouse pulled out of the bucket in the main room. And then only, I think a few weeks or a couple months later, after a terrible performance on the show,

[C]

murdered

[A]

his ex girlfriend, who was also Drew Carey's ex girlfriend.

[J]

God damn.

[A]

Yeah. Boo is right. Murders are bad, lady. There's a lot of. Oh, yes, Boo the murder. Brilliant stuff happening here. I love the heckling from the crowd during a mimes performance, by the way. I got to give you guys.

[D]

Some guy was ready to kill himself.

[A]

Yeah. Doing that. Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

If anybody sees a little French beret with brains next to it on the sidewalk later, we're going to know what happened. We are waiting for your final bucket pull of the night. Any second now, young Colt will be walking through that door. What's the point of having headsets for the producers if he still has to run across the street? I mean, you could like just text somebody, right? Yeah. Isn't there a better system for this? Is there anything.

[C]

They're just smiling at us.

[A]

Yeah, that's great. I love just keeps. We've had a way better week than last week. It is unbelievable. We are indeed coming off of the episode in which we all lost count. There was an absolute record setting amount of bucket pulls. We got rid of every little joke book. And I mean, like, it would be faster if I got up and walked over and got the person and walked them back. Like, there's headsets, there's walkie talkies. It's like a high level show. We got a fancy table now and somehow it takes seven minutes for a. Yeah, here we go. Here it comes. Any second now. There he is. We need a better system for this. You guys ready for your final bucket pull of the night?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Make some noise for Seth Tilly. Seth Tilly,

[F]

Good morning. I tried to get A job at Goodwill. They turned me down. I couldn't pass the background check. So now I work for the airlines. All kinds of shit goes on there. There's. I walked into the back room. I have a bad filter on my mouth. I walk into the back room, and it smells like pot and pussy in the back room. It was 10 bags that needed to be, you know, just rerouted to Atlanta, Georgia, whatever, and smell like pot, pussy. And I want to be a respectful man. I went for another P word. I said walk in. I said, smells like pot and piss. Well, my supervisor looks at me, female, she looks at me and says, it's your upper lip. I look back at her. I told her, you're lower cunt. Who remembers the movie Deliverance? They make it a sequel. It's called Deliverance.

[A]

Okay. All right. I can't believe we waited for that

[E]

long.

[A]

Wait for. Hi, Seth. Welcome. How are you? Step up to that mic. How long you been doing stand up?

[F]

April 1st make a year.

[A]

April 1st will make a year. Okay.

[B]

Speaks in those Southern riddles.

[A]

Yeah. Where are you from?

[F]

Lake Charles, Louisiana.

[A]

Lake Charles, Louisiana. Absolutely. You, do you like crawfish?

[F]

Oh, I eat the up, man.

[A]

You're goddamn right. Hell, yeah, you do. Tis the season. Tis the season around here. It's crawfish season. You sucking heads?

[F]

I don't suck the heads. It's too metallic.

[A]

Too much.

[E]

What?

[F]

Too metallic. It has a metallic taste.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

God damn. I didn't realize Lake Charles was the fucking pussy farm over there.

[F]

Hey, but I'm open to a pussy eating contest in Lake Charles.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All right. You have some real swagger to you. What do you do for.

[B]

Looks like he just came out of a coma.

[A]

Yeah, he does. He has the. He has the swagger of a snowman that just turned into a real human. What do you do for work?

[F]

I literally work for the airlines.

[A]

Or really do.

[F]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

That's why they're dropping out of the sky.

[D]

Are you a pilot?

[F]

Oh, no, they're not that dumb.

[A]

What do you do for the airlines? Baggage.

[F]

Baggage. Yes.

[A]

Yep. Absolutely. Working on the old supply line. I love it. Absolutely. And what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has a lot of pastimes, a lot of

[F]

hobbies, so I had old Xanax addiction.

[A]

Okay. How does that start? How does a Xanax addiction start?

[F]

Well, I can tell you how it

[A]

stops at the airport. Yeah. How does it stop?

[F]

You can't trust a pill that you. That you take and you can spell it backwards, and it still spells the same name. That's. For once. I was on 2mg annex, Tony.

[A]

And I don't know how much that is. That.

[F]

That's the Xanax bore. And you could break them into four quarters. I call that user friendly.

[A]

Okay. I'm sure there's some people half asleep, cracking up out there on Xanax. People waiting. Like, I've been watching. I've been waiting for his Xanax comedian. So how does it start? My question, my much more interesting question was how does someone. Someone start? I'm always so intrigued to know how these things happen. I. I steer clear of all drugs except for alcohol, marijuana, and mushrooms a few times a year in order to not get addicted to anything. So how does a Xanax addiction start? I've never even. I took melatonin. Like, I. Like I've done that, like, once, and it was. It's crazy. I sweat. I have crazy dreams. I sleep, slept, walked. I took a half of one the next time. Same exact. Exact. I can't do anything. Tell me how a Xanax addiction starts.

[F]

So you take the pill, right?

[B]

But you get some water.

[A]

I think he might.

[B]

You put it in your mouth, Tony, what are you getting? Yeah, let's get some zany bars and figure this out.

[F]

Y' all want to know. So you take it, and a lot of people, it knocks out, right? Not me. It. It just puts my ass into a almost sexual feeling. Wait, you know. You know when you so relieve that, like that life of.

[B]

Did you say a homosexual feeling?

[A]

Yeah, he said almost sexual.

[B]

Almost sexual.

[A]

Almost sexual.

[B]

I was gonna say, let's get some zany bars.

[A]

Yeah, but what made you. You take that. Was there. Was there a lady that's like, you should try one of these. Something like that. That first pill, where do you get it? How do you find it? How do you know you even like it? How do you want it?

[F]

I caught it. I actually. The first time.

[A]

You caught it, like, it's a fish?

[F]

No, more like a catcher's mitt.

[D]

How long have you been off?

[B]

Three hours.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Year and a half. Year and a half, y'.

[C]

All.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah. Like. Like it's a fight fight. It's a bad fight, y'. All. The alcohol and Xanax, a beer with it. It's like. Oh, it's like there's a tingling. The feelings. I'm up. Like I'm being, like, real.

[A]

Yeah, No, I get it again. That's why I don't try these things, because I'M afraid I'll like them. Seems enjoyable.

[F]

Yeah. You're a smart man, huh?

[A]

Yep. Okay, so what else, Seth? What else have you been doing your whole life? How old are you?

[F]

I am 38.

[A]

Jesus Christ. What is going on tonight? There are a lot of extremely. I'm 17. Tony. Like, what is going on in here?

[B]

Crawl dads and Zannies.

[A]

It's unbelievable when Red Band looks younger than all the bucket poles.

[F]

Hey, what would you do for a Xanax boar?

[A]

Okay. This guy loves Xanax. X. I love it.

[F]

Fighting it, don't it?

[A]

Right. You're fighting it right now.

[K]

Nope.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Your upper lip tells me different.

[A]

Yeah. It isn't.

[F]

Hey, that's what she said, bro.

[A]

Okay. All right. Okay. With the rest of your life, Seth, what else have you done? You've. You've lived a full life other than Xanax, what have you done?

[F]

Yeah, I have a master's degree in criminal justice. Yep.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yep. I have a hands on experience. Not from the good side. I so do computer. Do computer work. And actually gave Ranban, uh, Ray ban. Oops. Right. Uh, gave him a firmware update earlier, but he's gonna deny it, but, uh, to his phone.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

This is absolutely incredible what's happening here.

[F]

It was on a WI fi for. He wasn't on 2.6.

[B]

He knows what I feel like I'm on Xanax. What the Are you talking about?

[D]

Ram Bam. Do you know what he's talking about?

[A]

Do you know what he's saying?

[G]

I don't know what he's talking about.

[A]

You gave me a firmware update and I'm on.

[F]

Yeah, he's checking. It's not going to show you.

[A]

You.

[F]

It's not going to tell you that I gave you that update. Come on now.

[A]

What does that mean? Can you explain to us normal people what a firmware update from. You would.

[F]

Yes, he would. He was not on 802.11 ax. And he knows exactly what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Oh, look, I'm denying it. Oh, yeah. Look at. Look, he's checking it.

[G]

China.

[A]

I'm on a vpn.

[F]

I'm just a computer nerd. I'm with you right back. Yeah, I'm with you, man.

[A]

Here's a little joke book, my friend. You're going. There you go.

[D]

Caught that.

[A]

Two disappointing mimes in a row, everybody. All right, now, you know, this episode had a lot of momentum early on and slowly, right towards the end, got very sad. And I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, to jolt us alive Won't. One last time. With the stylings of the hall of Famer with the most appearances ever on the show. The most interviews. He's back and he's redder than ever. This is the Memphis Strangler. The Sioux Falls Folly. The Zanak. Zanzibar himself. The Knickerbocker of New York. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

[C]

I feel like we should ramp up President's Day just a notch. Like we should all be forced to kneel on rugs that face the Washington Monument and pray to the gods that we elected. So the buzz in Hollywood is they're making a prequel to Cliffhanger. And it starts A volcano. Cause volcanoes make mountains at cliff. Okay, let's keep moving. F elon Musk says that millions of people receiving Social Security payments are between 150 and 200 years old. With one person being 360 years old.

[B]

Red band.

[C]

I knew your mom was old as shit, but damn.

[E]

Fuck.

[C]

Germany is cracking down on hate speech.

[B]

Seems a little ironic.

[C]

Okay, this is my time. Tony.

[A]

59.99 seconds. Like the man who's done it more. I was so close to a minute ever. You nailed it, my friend.

[C]

I was so close to a minute.

[A]

Tony, you are the absolute best. William. One of the most loved human beings in all of the art form. An international superstar unlike anything we've ever seen or fathomed before.

[C]

Tony, I felt so bad for the mime guy. He seemed genuinely not to talk about other stuff, but that seems sad.

[A]

Tell me about it.

[C]

Sad about it.

[A]

Tell me about.

[C]

I don't know. It just seemed like he was really feeling bad. It seemed like he was really depressed. And I want to say, thank God I'm still back off of the Call of Duty camo grind. And, Tony, I've literally. I've been doing the row machine. Guess how many miles they do row machines in meters. But guess how many miles I've done since the beginning of February on the row machine.

[A]

How many?

[C]

61.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

I am doing a ton. It's wonderful. I'm listening to Blues Traveler exclusively. It's been a very therapeutic thing for me.

[A]

Have you thought about. Because we have a very, very beautiful, very famous river here. Have you thought about rowing in real life?

[C]

I don't know. Well, I've looked up clubs. They have clubs here in town.

[A]

So maybe one of you don't even need a club. You could just have your thing. You could just have your thing and go out there. Your canoe.

[C]

I need to figure it out. I need to figure out the logistics.

[A]

You gotta have your own kayak. Gotta have a kayak.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

And row.

[C]

Maybe I'll start doing that. We'll see. I don't know, Tony. I'm figuring it out.

[A]

Is there something about. Where is the rower? In your house? Exactly what part of the.

[C]

It's not in my house. It's at a gym. It's at a gym. It's not at my house. Maybe if I can get out of the one bedroom apartment, I'll. Maybe at some point. It's a dream to get a rowing machine. I get in my car today, Tony, and the volume doesn't work. I'm trying to listen to some Blues Traveler. I was gonna listen to Hook on the way over here. And the volumes busted on the Volvo.

[A]

Why? How could that possibly be? How could the volume be busted?

[C]

I don't know.

[K]

I was.

[C]

I was trying to.

[A]

Wow. Now, when you say the volume's busted, does that mean you can hear it a little bit?

[C]

No, not at all. It wasn't even working at all.

[A]

Wow. My goodness. So. But when you get to the gym, you put in headphones, correct?

[C]

Yeah, I got the kind that you just put inside of your ear.

[A]

Yeah, that would be. That would be.

[C]

You kind of do. It's a good kind to do, Tony. I swear, I don't think I've eaten enough food. I've been burning all these calories. I feel insane. I feel crazy, kind of. I had a Cliff bar on the way over here, but I don't think I've eaten enough. It's not good right now. I feel like I'm sweating. I feel.

[A]

You do or you are? There is a little bit of perspiration happening. There's a lot of food up in the green room. You didn't want to partake in any of that?

[C]

No, not ever since it got me sick. I cannot believe y' all still have that food up there.

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

I cannot believe y' all still have him Make. They bringing the food up.

[A]

What do you mean it got you sick?

[C]

Like a year ago. Got me sick as I ate one of the cheese.

[A]

Don't you kind of always get sick from things?

[D]

I just ate seven tacos up there.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I'm kidding. It's pretty good food. It's good. I don't know. I just didn't eat it.

[A]

Didn't want any of it today.

[C]

Just didn't want any of it.

[A]

You'd rather be hungry?

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

Be starving what kind of car do you drive, William?

[C]

Volvo.

[D]

Okay, that's it.

[C]

Safe cars. It's a safe kind of car.

[D]

Is it newer or an older model?

[C]

Maybe 2012.

[D]

Okay. Volume don't work.

[C]

Volume does not work. Today's the first day that happened.

[A]

How far is the gym?

[B]

I feel like now he suspects Foley broke the knob on the volume.

[A]

How far is your gym? How long is your drive in your car?

[C]

10 minutes.

[A]

Do you drive over the river to go row in a gym? No. You don't?

[C]

No.

[A]

Your gym's on that side of the river.

[C]

It's over by In Attack. I watched what is the office space last night? Yeah, it's right by In Attack. It's very close to In Attack. I took a picture outside of the building today. I did put the timer on my phone, but I'm standing right before the entrance of In Attack.

[A]

It looks almost the same too, right?

[J]

I know.

[L]

It's so exciting.

[A]

Have you ever thought about perhaps inviting Red Band with you? You guys could row together.

[D]

Can you swim?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. William a fun fact. He's a superior athlete. A former cycling champion, state champion of Tennessee.

[C]

I will be honest, there weren't a lot of people in the race, but the state champion of Tennessee, he's very

[A]

close with Austin's own Lance Armstrong.

[C]

Yeah, it was wonderful. We, my mother and I, I don't think I've said this on here, but my mom and I, I met him when my mom was helping my brother move to town. And we meet Lance Armstrong up there. And my mom's talking to him and she's like, yeah, William's dad rides a lot. Not as good as you, obviously. And he looks at her and he's like, yeah, no shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. It was kind of insane. I love the guy. I still love the guy, but it was insane.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Nobody was insinuating my sweet father was fucking faster than Lance Armstrong. It was insane.

[A]

I don't normally talk about my personal life on the show very much, but I golf with Lance Armstrong. That's one of my golf buddies. And he is ridiculously competitive. Even though he's great at everything, he's still very competitive. So to hear that, to hear that your mom, the sweet Southern, little, tiny, sweet lady, so sweet, she's been on this show. One of the great guests are the Montgomery's, with the only duo of parents to ever sit on the panel of the show. To hear that she said, well, not as good as you, obviously is just. I can't even imagine what he must have Thought just what a stupid piece of she is in that moment. In that moment. Even though I don't think that I know that he thought that. There's no doubt about for sure. Just what a dumb piece of white trash, this lady.

[C]

Stupid woman.

[A]

Yeah, Crazy woman. Crazy things.

[C]

Real racist too. You're saying it.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Stupid white woman he was calling her, though.

[A]

Yeah, that's fun. William, what else is going on before we get out of here?

[C]

Well, I'm getting. Nobody wants to hear this, but I'm getting back on the Aubrey and Buzz because, Tony, I've been drinking protein shakes after I work out and I've been going two and three days without. So I've got to get back. But it's so weird. Tony, everybody. Again, be careful. This is really a warning. I used to love the Aubry and buds. I was eating them every day for probably a year and then I had to stop. I overdid it. So now I'm looking at it every single morning and I can't bring myself to open up the box. But I'm going to have to because I'm now at day two of not shitting and I ate a bunch of food last night.

[A]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. This is very, very, very in depth interview.

[C]

You should have done her last. That was so funny, the laugh you have.

[A]

Yeah, we could do it right now. Hit it.

[C]

You haven't shit in like two days.

[A]

2A. 1, 2, 3, 4. That is an amazing sound effect. Brought to you by Talk Space and Shopify. William, you are the absolute best. You are a legend. We love you and we did it again. These are the are you garbage boys.

[D]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Route 66 out now on their YouTube. Go to YouTube. Type in are you garbage? Truly one of the funniest podcasts. Two of the funniest human beings. Are you garbage? Are you R o u t e666. There it is. Turn that up. Thank you so much, everybody. Red band, you want to say anything, check out the secret [e-mail] Love you guys. Big, big announcement coming. Stay tuned for those of you that live around the world. Chris Rogers, what do you got tonight? What do we got over there? Oh, Matt Muling. Look at that. Wow. Unbelievable. Incredible. All right, audience, we love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much, Sam.

[I]

The sunset strip comedy club in Austin,

[A]

Texas is now open. Check out red band's secret show every Thursday.

[I]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.