#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER

Summary

Kill Tony #710 Summary

Date: March 11, 2025
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Tyler Fisher, Cam Patterson

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Main Theme & Episode Overview

This lively episode of Kill Tony features hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Redban, joined by comedian regular Cam Patterson and fan-favorite guest Tyler Fisher. The panel riffs on race, culture, comedy, personal quirks, and the unpredictable parade of aspiring comics pulled randomly from the audience to perform 60-second sets. The show is heavy on improvisation, roasts, and candid discussion, blending stand-up, crowdwork, and banter in the signature irreverent, fast-talking Kill Tony style. Notable recurring topics include ethnic backgrounds, dating mishaps, wardrobe swaps, and the personal lives of both participants and comedians from the bucket.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Highlights

1. The Panel’s Banter & Opening Riffs

Timestamps: 02:46–04:16

• Tony introduces Cam Patterson and Tyler Fisher, highlighting their touring successes.
• Quick banter about comedians’ websites and the struggle to secure domain names:
  • Cam Patterson: “They tried to charge me $2,000 for [my domain]...We got the website out of them.” (03:42)
  • Tony Hinchcliffe: “Every room is a dark room.” (03:50)
• Tyler jokes about flying in and being unsettled from his flight.

2. The Comedy "Bucket" & First Performer – David Jolly

Timestamps: 05:20–07:01

• Classic Kill Tony: random comics get 1 minute, signaled by a kitten sound to wrap up.
• David Jolly riffs on Trump, race, and Carnival Cruises with edgy, irreverent material:
  • “Trump, the realest nigga…On the last day of his presidency he freed Kodak Black and Lil Wayne…my credit score went up 12 points that day.” (05:39)
  • “This is how we got here the first time. I know what was gonna happen. I was gonna pull up to that Carnival Cruise line…He was gonna be like, ‘pick out a dashiki. We’re going back to Wakanda.’” (06:27)
• Afterwards, the panel cracks jokes about regional stereotypes, the ‘dirty foot’ Bible verse, and tackles politics and race relations in the show’s trademark no-holds-barred manner.

3. Cultural Clashes & Italian Foods Game

Timestamps: 11:18–16:06

• Panelists riff on Italian words and their (mis)translations according to a Black and Italian-American lens.
  • Tony: “Let’s look up more Italian words the black people, what they think they do.” (11:42)
  • Jokes about Negroni (“That’s…an Italian beer,” says Redban), confusion with cannoli, and what “prego” means.
  • “What do you think a carbonara is?” – leads to a discussion distinguishing pancetta from bacon and even old baloney.
  • Humor at the intersection of food, ethnicity, and playful ignorance.

4. Stand-up Bucket Pulls – Highlights

Notable Comedians & Segments

• Remy Swiss (16:37–22:24)
  • Middle Eastern comic with self-deprecating jokes about race and upbringing in Oklahoma.
  • Uber driver, pita bakery legacy, looking to start a family: “If anybody’s unvaccinated out there and they want to start having kids, holler.” (22:18)
  • Panel jokes about cultural stereotypes and family expectations.
• Joshua Yellis (23:50–28:28)
  • First-timer; dark material comparing women to terrorists (“She’s still getting her pilot’s license…getting her box cutter yet.” 24:56)
  • Panel ridicules the specificity and fails to connect; Joshua is a truck driver—banter about road life and supportive wife.
  • “What’s your load?” gets turned into a series of innuendos and jabs.
• Billy Sherman (29:03–36:38)
  • Describes his multiethnic background with jokes like: “I’m Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I’m expensive garbage.” (29:06)
  • Reveals jiu-jitsu experience (“It’s a vagina on the side of my head.” – re: cauliflower ear, 30:40)
  • Adderall stories, favorite shirt, wardrobe swap with Tyler Fisher.
• Yudmi Sharma (37:11–45:23)
  • Riffs on cultural confusion, tech-support job, Indian/Latina dating life.
  • Quick wit: “Do you always dress like an Indian magician?” – “Do you always look like a gay one?” (38:26)
• Craig Baxter (57:46–72:49)
  • Stoic, older comic who reveals unexpected athletic hobbies.
  • Blind as a bat without thick glasses but unexpectedly fit; lively back-and-forth with Tyler about their looks and Craig’s dating life.
  • Panel enjoys his self-deprecating, offbeat honesty.
• Guana (73:47–82:43)
  • Eccentric performer with a winding life story involving jail, mental health, losing a finger, and Doordash.
  • Disarms panel with candor and unusual details about crafting art with chainsaw attachments.

5. Drum-Off: Vaccine Injury & Drum Battle

Timestamps: 84:13–91:20

• Chris Beskin claims COVID vaccines destroyed his ability to play drums.
• Panel challenges him to a drum solo vs. “D Madness” (the blind drummer in the house band). Chris stumbles physically and musically; D Madness wows the crowd.
  • “This is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drums.” – Tony Hinchcliffe (91:33)

6. Regulars & Notable Moments

• Ari Matty (Estonian assassin, recurring regular) delivers a take-down of Taylor Swift fandom, wishes ISIS would bomb a concert, and discusses American cultural confusion.
  • “At a Taylor Swift concert…You blow it up—the next day, perfect society.” (46:55)
• William Montgomery (End Segment, 103:07–113:46)
  • Strong set using absurd news stories, personal updates, and a running thread about prune juice and digestion.
  • Panel breaks down bathroom science, and William confides that his mother is in the ER during the taping:
    • “My mom’s saying she loves all of us…I’m about to go on stage, at least wait till after I get off to tell me you’re dying.” (113:01)

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On Italian food confusion:
  • “What do you think a carbonara is?” – D Madness: “That’s a dish…like, little bacon bits in it.” (14:00)
• Race and stereotype riffs:
  • “Only thing I ain’t like about when Trump was the president…I kept on getting these letters in the mail for, like, free trips on Carnival Cruise Line.” – David Jolly (05:39)
• On wardrobe swaps:
  • “Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on, honey, I shrunk my panel guest.” – Tony Hinchcliffe (62:23)
• Classic Panel Burn:
  • “You ever have your girls out there getting pilot lessons and you’re like, what is up with that?” – Cam Patterson on Joshua Yellis’ set. (25:07)

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Segments & Shenanigans (with Timestamps)

• Shirt trading and wardrobe comedy:
  • Tyler Fisher wears other comics’ shirts, culminating in a running visual gag. (35:00, 62:23)
• Drum-off contest:
  • Unplanned contest between “vaccine-injured” comic and blind house drummer. (90:03–91:56)
• Cultural word games:
  • Panel quizzes each other about myths and facts about Italian and Jewish foods, with often hilarious, intentionally-incorrect answers. (11:47–16:10)

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Conclusion & Tone

The episode delivers the full Kill Tony experience: raw, frantic, loaded with quick-witted banter, real-time roasting, and moments of heartfelt honesty. The miscues, awkward new comics, and the panel’s playful antagonism drive the energy, while Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson keep the pace tight and the laughs rolling. The performers range from lost souls and blue-collar types to seasoned club veterans and eccentric artists. Beneath the chaotic comedy runs a current of empathy and real talk about life’s curveballs and what it means to chase dreams—no matter the outcome.

Best Button/Sign-off

• “Life is crazy. And if you’re chasing your dreams, remember that: you’re a disappointment to somebody.” – Chris Beskin (94:23)

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it right, Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh?

[Redband]

Brian?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band is here, ladies and gentlemen. That's the best damn band in the land. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, Zip Recruiter and Prize Picks.

[Cam Patterson]

This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. You have made it. How about one more time for Matt Muhling here on the electric guitar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John D's on the keys behind me. This is D Madness live in the flesh. Big Mike Michael Gonzalez, considered big and huge compared to many action figures around the world. And that there is huevos. Ranchero's Benito Santiago, Alhambra, no doubt about it, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa. They're called grooveline horns. A strangely American terminology for exactly the

[Cam Patterson]

huevos and the rancheros that they have

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

cooking inside of them. Before we get started tonight, here's a

[Cam Patterson]

little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Well, then, here we go.

[Cam Patterson]

Two of my favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One is a, of course, a legendary regular on this show. The other is truly one of the greatest guests in this show's history. He is an absolute superstar. Make some noise for both of them, everyone. It is Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, yeah, a whole episode. The very funny Tyler Fiser, the great Cam Patterson. We're back, baby. They are on tour. Tyler Fisher.com Camp Patterson.com. they've got websites, they're on the road,

[Cam Patterson]

doing gigs, selling out everywhere they go. Hi, Cam. What?

[D Madness]

So I got a website now.

[Cam Patterson]

You got a whip. I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it is. It's Cam Patterson dot com.

[Cam Patterson]

You were able to secure it?

[D Madness]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You went your first couple years with no website?

[D Madness]

Well, they tried. They tried to charge me for it. They tried to charge me 2,000 for it. And we called them to a nice little dark room and we got. We got the website out of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's good.

[Cam Patterson]

Every room is a dark room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you and your people are Tyler Fisher, you know exactly what it means. This guy doing the Deion Sanders podcast in his spare time.

[Cam Patterson]

I never get an invite for that. Tyler Fisher. What the hell's up, my man?

[Tyler Fisher]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought.

[Tyler Fisher]

This is going to be rough. I just landed. I took a Delta flight here, and I'm still just getting reacquainted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're upside down.

[Tyler Fisher]

You got. Yeah, it's all upside down now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we're gonna have some fun tonight.

[Cam Patterson]

279 human beings signed up for this opportunity. Their names are in this fucking bucket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen.

[Cam Patterson]

You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that's their 60 seconds. And they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I let this public defender in the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

front row pick the first name tonight. We're gonna go wrangle that person, and,

[Cam Patterson]

well, they get brought over from the bar across the street where we store all these comedians that are hoping and waiting that a human with a headset will walk over and say their name and whatever assigned number however they do this thing. We have one of the greatest comedians that we've ever known that is part of the show. I don't know if he's. I don't know. I guess he's a golden ticket winner. I don't really know. He's just like one of those outlier legends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Cam's uncle. America's favorite uncle. This is the one and only here to get it started with a brand new minute. This is David Jolly.

[Redband]

How y' all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico. Hell, yeah. Y' all down with the President. Hell yeah. Trump, the realest nigga to ever do it on the last day of his presidency. Last time, he freed Kodak, Black and Lil Wayne. Then he sent the goons into the Capitol building. They were hanging on chandeliers, ripping shit off the wall. I was like, damn, I'm glad these ain't black people. My credit score went up 12 points that day. Only thing I ain't like about when Trump was the president, I kept on getting these letters in the mail for, like, free trips on Carnival Cruise Line. All you can eat chicken and shit. I was like, you ain't gonna get me like that. 45. I seen Roots. This is how we got over here the first time. I know what was gonna happen. I was gonna pull up to that Carnival Cruise line. It was gonna be me and fortified Dominicans from San Antonio. You know, they love a goddamn deal. It was gonna be a long, bearded white man named Boss. He was gonna be like, all right, guys, everybody pick it a shiki. Have a seat. We're going back to Wakanda. All right, thank you. Y' all been a whole bunch of fun, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Jolly.

[Redband]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And like that. It has. Hell yeah.

[Redband]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I understood about 12 words. It seemed funny.

[Redband]

Hell yeah. It was funny though.

[D Madness]

Nobody knows.

[Redband]

I usually have a translator with me that took the night off, you know what I mean?

[D Madness]

That dirty slanging.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dirty stanking.

[Redband]

Stanking.

[D Madness]

We call them.

[Redband]

Stanking scallywag. Dirty foot, dirty foot.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, we all know those types.

[Redband]

Yeah, yeah, like, like white women from Kentucky, you know what I mean? Same cuz they got dirty feet, you know what I'm saying? They do their feet always dirty. They say it in the Bible, you know what I mean?

[D Madness]

They do he not wrong.

[Redband]

You ain't know that.

[D Madness]

You never read that part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of the Bible is that exactly?

[Redband]

Clean it footish, white womanish. You ain't see hear that verse?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we're reading different Bibles.

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah, yeah, it's called the E Bible Bonnet.

[Redband]

Hell yeah. You read the Bible? Oh, you don't read the Bible? You're a liberal. My bad.

[Tyler Fisher]

Who's that? Who, me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Redband]

I don't know what none of that mean. I just like to say it.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you know what a liberal?

[Redband]

No, not at all. Not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like to say go around calling people.

[Redband]

Oh, that's it.

[D Madness]

That's.

[Redband]

That's how I call a person. A gay man.

[Tyler Fisher]

Dude, it looks like I stormed the Capitol in a Tesla. What are you talking about, man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redband]

Oh, we love the blacks.

[Tyler Fisher]

We love. We love the blacks so much.

[Redband]

I love Donald Trump. See, they don't understand. Donald Trump was down with the Negroes in the 80s, you know what I'm saying?

[D Madness]

Real shit.

[Redband]

They don't know that. See, everybody want to throw Donald Trump underneath the bus. Donald Trump smoke weed out of blunts, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? He been down with the negroes, you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah.

[D Madness]

What the fuck going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us what's been going on in your life.

[Redband]

Shit, man, I've been on. I've been on the road like the last three months with Cam. I have my thing going. I be with you killers of kill. Tony, we just out here grinding, baby, you know?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, but what else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's shit.

[Redband]

I've been fucking these hoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about it. How the fuck of my delicious chocolate milk?

[Redband]

I keep like, $40 for a bitch. You know what I'm saying? It ain't really tricking. It's just. That's like light bill money or something, you know? I fuck old bitches now. Old bitches will let you tattoo ass up for $40. You know what I mean?

[Cam Patterson]

You still pay them?

[Redband]

Well, I mean, it's not paying. It's just like, here you go. It's not paying. It's like a donation. It's not required. It's like saying, thank you for being a wonderful woman.

[D Madness]

It's like a tip.

[Redband]

Like a tip. Like a gratuity. It's a gratuity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think gratuity is the woman's name that you. Gratuity Jenkins Head register in and out burger.

[Redband]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Redband]

That

[Tyler Fisher]

I believe. So you and an old person, you can either understand what the hell you're saying.

[Redband]

Oh, yeah. I speak old people.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you mean when you say that?

[Redband]

Old people. I understand what they'd be saying because my grandmama was old, and I used to have to watch it when I was, like, 11. So I paid close attention to what she was saying, and it's a different dialect.

[Cam Patterson]

Like, can you give an example of.

[Redband]

Oh, of like an old person like

[Cam Patterson]

you and your grand. Like, what would your grandma say?

[Tyler Fisher]

Do you want me to play as grandma?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is very exciting. I thought Cam was going to suggest it, but.

[Tyler Fisher]

So I can't get in trouble.

[Redband]

Hey, man, I ain't mean nothing by it. My bad. I'm sorry.

[D Madness]

What that even mean?

[Redband]

I thought we were friends. I thought you from New York. All New Yorkers. Liberals.

[Billy Sherman]

Right.

[Tyler Fisher]

Well, that's. I got kicked out.

[William Montgomery]

That's why I'm here.

[Redband]

Oh, you're right. Yeah.

[D Madness]

What the Is a liberal?

[Redband]

I'm saying. I'm not calling you a homosexual.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just saying, like, you call, I'll prove it.

[D Madness]

Whoa. What we talking about? What's going on? Who's sucking dick? Even with me sucking dick? What's going on?

[Redband]

Hey, no sucking dick up here, man.

[D Madness]

Come on, man.

[Tyler Fisher]

Trump should make an executive order that we could say the N word once a month.

[D Madness]

At least.

[Redband]

Once a month.

[Tyler Fisher]

Once a month, Right.

[Redband]

Get one out of the jail once a month.

[Tyler Fisher]

No, it's a free.

[Redband]

But you got. You got to say it with joy, though. It's got to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say it nicely. Well, no, no, wait a minute.

[D Madness]

We Can't. No, no, We.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you gonna give the President.

[Cam Patterson]

Donald Trump permission right now to do it?

[Redband]

Like, $500? If I got $500, you kick me

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in the N. You.

[Redband]

You could kick me in the dick for $500.

[D Madness]

I want. I want half a million. And you can do whatever you want, but 500.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Tyler Perry's Kill Tony. Welcome to the show. For those of you just joining us, we are live on BET right now.

[Tyler Fisher]

We got a couple Negronis here.

[Redband]

Love them.

[D Madness]

Love them.

[Redband]

Hey, that's a beer. That's an Italian beer.

[D Madness]

It's not beer.

[Redband]

That's close.

[D Madness]

I thought that was a pastry.

[Redband]

No, no, it's an Italian beer, and Negroni is an Italian beer.

[D Madness]

I thought it was, like, some bread, some shit. That's not bread.

[Tyler Fisher]

Some bread.

[D Madness]

It's bread, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Negroni.

[Redband]

No, that's a. That's a. That's a.

[William Montgomery]

A.

[Redband]

A canoli. A canoli.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Canoli, everybody.

[Redband]

Canoli.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun. Let's look up more Italian words. The black people, what they think they do.

[Redband]

Hey, mama, to me,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what is a rigatoni?

[Redband]

Oh, no, that's a pasta.

[Cam Patterson]

That's a very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. This is a lot of fun.

[Redband]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Redband]

Welcome to what time it is. I used to an Italian tight. Hell, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Redband]

Choose to make them shits. That's how I know what it is.

[D Madness]

We here for the.

[Redband]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She.

[Tyler Fisher]

She got a big tip.

[Redband]

Yes, she did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big old. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Does anyone want to guess what a. What prego means?

[D Madness]

A pregnant.

[Redband]

That's. No, prego mean, like, traditional, like mamma mia. Like. Like, it's. It mean, like, happy times. It means happy.

[D Madness]

It means, like, happy, like the sauce. The sauce.

[Redband]

Yeah, I know it's the sauce, but it means, like, happy times. Like mamma mia. Like family. It's family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of your answers are incorrect. It actually means welcome.

[Redband]

That's what I'm saying. Like, mamma mia. You know what I was saying? Mamma mia. That's what they say. Mamma mia.

[D Madness]

Okay, ain't Mario Italian, nigga?

[Redband]

Yeah, yeah, him and Luigi.

[Tyler Fisher]

Wasn't I supposed to say the N word is trump?

[Redband]

No, no, no, no. Tyler, you got $500.

[D Madness]

You got 500,000.

[Redband]

You can say whatever you want. You kick me in the ass, too. I swear you can for $500.

[D Madness]

Oh, man, we got to do better than this, man.

[Redband]

I need them 500.

[Tyler Fisher]

All right, I got tens, and I got.

[D Madness]

All right.

[Redband]

No, no, you can't say the N words.

[Tyler Fisher]

I got some Pepto Bismol.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. One shade darker to purple, and they would chug that right now. It's a little too pink. What is bubble gum? What is bubble gum looking as? Who put bubble gum in a blender?

[Tyler Fisher]

This is black.

[Cam Patterson]

I got.

[Redband]

Look at this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My wallet.

[Tyler Fisher]

I got gum.

[D Madness]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Loose a Magnum condom for some reason, Just in case you need a quick disguise.

[Redband]

You must be making water balloons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, back to Italian black translation game.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you think a carbonara is?

[D Madness]

Oh, I know what that is. That's a, that's a. That's a dish.

[Redband]

No, wait, hold on.

[Cam Patterson]

Wait a second here. Cam was on to something.

[D Madness]

Yeah, it's a dish, and you put, like. You got, like, little bacon bits in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That is incredible. Damn. Patterson type.

[Redband]

Type. Hell, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

Y' all gonna do that, huh? All y'. All.

[Redband]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tyler Fisher]

It's actually pancetta. It's not bacon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hate to be a liberal, especially not. Don't get gender.

[D Madness]

What the Pancetta. What the is that?

[Guana]

That's a.

[Cam Patterson]

It's a fancier, fattier part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I, I, I don't. I, I could be wrong. It's, it's very bacon ass.

[Redband]

This is bacon.

[Tyler Fisher]

Better bacon.

[Redband]

It's bacon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's better bacon.

[D Madness]

Better bacon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bacon bits. You said bacon bits. Like the trademark brand shaker drive.

[D Madness]

I will close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's putting it's very controversial on this stage right now. Matt Muling is yelling about pancetta right now. He finally woke him up. We figured out what his passions are. Types of.

[Cam Patterson]

Of bacon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would have guessed Red Band would be our senior bacon correspondent. It's actually old baloney in the hood.

[D Madness]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old panetta.

[D Madness]

I don't know what you're talking about right now.

[Billy Sherman]

Redban.

[Redband]

No, panetta, like sweet. It's kind of sweet. A little bit.

[Cam Patterson]

There you go. Final, final Italian word. Black translation. What? Gentlemen, what is a shatel?

[Redband]

Oh, that's a. That's a moly. That's a jabroni.

[Tyler Fisher]

Got him.

[Redband]

Hey, you mooly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's not buttons. If you don't know if they're right or not.

[Redband]

What it's like, It's a right.

[Tyler Fisher]

Say it again.

[D Madness]

Say it again.

[Cam Patterson]

A figel.

[D Madness]

Oh, yeah, that. Make that.

[Redband]

That's a dickhead. Like a dickhead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a flaky Italian pastry.

[Guana]

Ah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David, you're a legend. Way to get it started. Tonight, so much fun and like that it has begun. And now you might not know, but it's time for the fucking bucket, where absolutely anything can happen. We're gonna meet A real human being. All. Oh, there she is. The iconic Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa, what do you got there?

[Tyler Fisher]

It's coconut water I brought from home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. What do you got?

[D Madness]

Tequila.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Brought to you by Pepto Bismol. This is Kill Tony, Your first bucket poll of the night. Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Goes by the name of Remy Swiss.

[Cam Patterson]

Everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remy Swice.

[Remy Swiss]

Someone told me I look like a retired skinhead. That's why I tell women I'm a veterinarian. South Carolina, Georgia and Alabama take more Viagra than any other states in the union. Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia love their dick pills. Hey, they did say the south will rise again. If at first you don't secede, you can dust it off and try again. No. Even though I look like a racist white guy, I'm not a racist white guy. I'm a racist Arabic guy. Big difference. I don't know if y' all been watching the news, but it's my turn to be racist. Look at me. Look at me. I'm the N word now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I tell these guys before the show, always. I tell the guests the same thing. Whatever you do, don't be funny during someone else's minute, or else people at home are going to think that this comedian's doing good. And fucking Tyler Fisher just can't help him. Pepto and fucking. Okay, Remy, you're a psycho. Welcome to the show.

[Remy Swiss]

Thanks for having me back. Thanks for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Been on before.

[Remy Swiss]

Yeah, last year. Appreciate having me.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[D Madness]

Jesus.

[Cam Patterson]

What are you on Adderall or something?

[Remy Swiss]

No, not yet.

[Cam Patterson]

Cam.

[Remy Swiss]

What?

[Cam Patterson]

What do you think about this?

[D Madness]

Who the thought you was white, man?

[Tyler Fisher]

He looks like a flaky pastry. A little Italian?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Italian.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. So what are you, Remy?

[Remy Swiss]

I'm Middle Eastern by descent. Both my folks are from Jordan, but I was born and raised in Oklahoma City.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we got it. Okay. Are they still there, your parents?

[Remy Swiss]

Yeah, they are.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. What do they do in the Middle East?

[Remy Swiss]

Oh, no, in Oklahoma.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, what made their. What? What made your Middle Eastern parents pick Oklahoma?

[Remy Swiss]

That's a that. There wasn't anybody to tell them what to do in Oklahoma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Remy Swiss]

Are you familiar with large family politics?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Oh, all right.

[Remy Swiss]

I thought you're Italian. Well, no big deal, but what do you mean? Well, everybody loves to tell people what to do in a large family, right? And there wasn't any family in Oklahoma, so they'd start their own thing out there. It's pretty cool. They used to sling rugs and tapestries out of the back of their trucks.

[Billy Sherman]

No.

[Remy Swiss]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool. So they moved to Chicago when they came to America, and then they would drive to LA and back through Route 66.

[Cam Patterson]

Why would they drive when they could have just taken one of the carpets? Yeah, they've got this all backwards. Your people are known for this?

[Remy Swiss]

Yeah, no, they stopped in Oklahoma City and it was pretty cool place. And there was an Orthodox community there and very welcoming.

[Cam Patterson]

Enough. Remy, how old are you?

[Remy Swiss]

I'm 44 years old.

[Cam Patterson]

34. How long?

[Remy Swiss]

44. 44.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. That's a big difference.

[Cam Patterson]

44. How long have you been doing stand up hardcore?

[Remy Swiss]

For about three years.

[Cam Patterson]

When you say hardcore, what exactly do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a taste of the hardcore

[Cam Patterson]

comedy that you've been doing now?

[Remy Swiss]

The first time I got on stage to do open mic was 2006.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, red man, relax. Jesus. Okay. No idea why that sound effect should be there, but. Oh, because it's hardcore. Red band. So good.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so you were doing it hardcore?

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Remy Swiss]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

And then what happened?

[Remy Swiss]

No, I messed around for a long time because, you know, life happens and I can't just do open mics growing up.

[Redband]

So why.

[Cam Patterson]

Why couldn't you do open mics?

[Remy Swiss]

Mostly I was committed to a relationship or. Or a job. But about three years ago, I was able to fully immerse myself and start hitting it and getting to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there's a lot going on here, I guess.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so what was the job that you were doing in which you couldn't do comedy as well?

[Remy Swiss]

I helped run the family business.

[Cam Patterson]

What was the family business?

[Remy Swiss]

We have a pita bakery and we had gyro shops in the mall growing up. So I grew up in a shopping mall in the 80s and 90s.

[Cam Patterson]

PETA, gyros and carpets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's up.

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

We are very close to a terrorist

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

attack, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cam Patterson]

So what do you do now? How do you make money now that you get to do comedy so hardcore?

[Remy Swiss]

I Uber. This is a great town to uber in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there it is. That is the trifecta, everybody.

[Remy Swiss]

You know how much time you have to spend grinding, doing these open mics and starting shows and producing little.

[Cam Patterson]

Who are you yelling at right now?

[Remy Swiss]

Laughing at my Uber job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.

[D Madness]

Why I gotta sit next to the psychopaths?

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah, I got a little knife here for just in case.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

What the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a crazy thing to have. I thought Pepto Bismol was weird. He's like, I got A knife.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tyler Fisher]

I'm very small. It's dangerous.

[D Madness]

They got a sword.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That knife is adorable.

[Tyler Fisher]

Attacked all the time outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is one of the cutest knives I've ever seen. What do you do, butter your biscuits with that thing?

[D Madness]

Open up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Letters. Oh, my God.

[D Madness]

What is that?

[Tyler Fisher]

Kill somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Except for grapes. Whoa, look out for grapes.

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah, I got my grapes.

[Cam Patterson]

Someone need their garlic slice, then. Okay, so, Remy, tell us about your life. Like, what's been going on. You single?

[Remy Swiss]

Yeah. Yeah, actually trying to start a family. If anybody's unvaccinated out there and they want to start having kids, holler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am.

[Redband]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, yeah, Remy. Is that your pitch for the ladies?

[Remy Swiss]

Yeah, when you're 44, you ain't got time to mess around.

[Cam Patterson]

So you're, like, looking for a woman?

[Remy Swiss]

Yeah, yeah. I got my aunt showing me girls from the old country, too. Yeah, I mean, this one girl, she's a real jihadi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. You have a little joke book from

[Cam Patterson]

last time, the small one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, that is correct. That would be the one that you should have. Here.

[Tyler Fisher]

I'll cut it in half.

[Remy Swiss]

What, you don't think?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right.

[Cam Patterson]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remy Swiss. Everybody on to the next one. This bucket pool is from the inside. Inside. It could be one of you.

[Chris Beskin]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joshua Yellis. Joshua Yellis. Is that Joshua back there crossing over? Joshua, is that you back there?

[D Madness]

He's coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Coming from the back. That's just a man urinating right there. Come on, Joshua, now's your time.

[Cam Patterson]

Now, normally, people from the inside side

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

tend to not do good. It tends to be a lot of people that. I've always wanted to try this, and I wanted to see how it would go. I thought it would go better than that. But it could also be, you know, the next great talent. So make some noise one more time for Joshua Yellis.

[Joshua Yellis]

Ah, Jesus Christ. All right. Women argue like terrorists, they fight like terrorists. I'll give you an example. Every guy in this room knows what I'm talking about. You'll say something to your woman. You'll say something to your woman that means nothing to you, and she'll take it as a personal fucking attack against everything she believes in. You'll be sitting on the couch next to her that night, and you ask her. You can see that she's pissed. You'll say, honey, what's wrong? She'll say, nothing. It's fine. You know, she's fucking mad. An hour goes by, she's not ready yet. Cause she's still putting the dynamite in the vest. She's not ready to blow up the fucking square yet. She's waiting till later in the night, right? You wait an hour, you say, honey, what's wrong? It's fine. She's still getting her pilot's license, fellas. She doesn't have her box cutter yet. She's not ready to hit the towers. As soon as your eyes are closing to go to sleep, she says, okay,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

okay, I'm gonna stop you, Joshua. Holy shit, man. That is such a specific story to

[Cam Patterson]

you and your life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You're, like, trying to make it relatable to everybody. Everybody's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm trying, you know, you ever have. Or your girls, like, out there getting pilots lessons and you're like, what is up with that?

[Tyler Fisher]

911 was funnier than that, dude.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Joshua Yellis]

God damn, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wild, Joshua. Wild.

[Cam Patterson]

Let's talk about it. You ever do standup before?

[Joshua Yellis]

Never, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My first time on talking to the microphone, we.

[Cam Patterson]

Everyone was trying to tell you I had to stop people from trying to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

fix your set for you because we had already tried.

[Billy Sherman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talking down here. Right down here.

[Cam Patterson]

That's not really how it works. It's like this.

[Joshua Yellis]

Yeah, There you go, dude.

[Cam Patterson]

First time, picks up the sound.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time, can't hear you.

[Tyler Fisher]

Maybe that's a problem.

[Joshua Yellis]

No, dude. Yeah. That could easily be the problem. Shout out to Alexandria. I love you. We're getting married in May. Love you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You haven't even married your wife yet. This is crazy. Married your wife?

[D Madness]

Thought that's how that work.

[Joshua Yellis]

She's already my wife to me.

[Cam Patterson]

Is she with you tonight?

[Joshua Yellis]

She is not.

[Guana]

Okay.

[Billy Sherman]

No.

[Joshua Yellis]

Hopefully she'll be watching this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Tyler Fisher]

I get married tomorrow.

[Joshua Yellis]

No way, dude. Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You might want to knock it out, get a prenup.

[Tyler Fisher]

When does this come?

[Cam Patterson]

So, Joshua, what do you do for work? What exactly do you fix with a wrench?

[Joshua Yellis]

I'm a truck driver. My man.

[Cam Patterson]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

How do you like driving trucks?

[Joshua Yellis]

I fucking love it, dude. I love it. I'm keeping America alive. Me and all the truck drivers out there. Fuck, yeah, man.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Very important job.

[Joshua Yellis]

Goddamn right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us what it's like out there on the road.

[Cam Patterson]

Tell us some tricks. What do you urinate into? What do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you.

[Joshua Yellis]

Gatorade bottles, mostly. You know, Sometimes a shitty bathroom with

[Billy Sherman]

a hooker, you know?

[Cam Patterson]

Right. Tell us a wild story from you being out there on the road.

[Joshua Yellis]

Honestly, man, I don't have a lot of crazy stories. I'M listening to Kill Tony. Listening to podcasts, a lot of comedy. I don't know, not a lot of crazy stories.

[Cam Patterson]

Give us an interesting no lot.

[Joshua Yellis]

Lizards. I'm not over the road, dude.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, give us an interesting fun fact about your life before we get you out of here and back to obscurity for absolute ever.

[Joshua Yellis]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

What do you do?

[Redband]

Deliver.

[Tyler Fisher]

It looks like you deliver a Frisbee or something. What do you deliver?

[Cam Patterson]

What is your load?

[Tyler Fisher]

What's your load?

[D Madness]

How we get gay so fast? How we gay so fucking fast, man?

[Joshua Yellis]

I. I work for a crane company, so mostly counterweights for crane. Not that interesting. Sorry, guys.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so, Joshua, most interesting fun fact about your life. You have an entire life to reference here before I let you go. This is your final question. What about your life?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything?

[Joshua Yellis]

I found the most amazing woman in the entire world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get the fuck out of here. Oh, fuck you. Get out. No joke, but go. Get out. Banished. Banished from thy kingdom.

[Tyler Fisher]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

I'll tell you the most interesting thing that I've ever seen or had happen to me in my life is I met the most amazing. Fucking kill yourself.

[D Madness]

I hope that cheat on you, nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whip it through the glass. All right. Imagine if everybody did that. Just signed up for the show, was like, I love my wife. I just came here to say that I listened to this show and I love my wife. What the fuck, man? All right, your next bucket bowl. Hopefully they want to do something in comedy one day. Make some noise for Billy Sherman, everybody. Here we go. Billy Sherman.

[Billy Sherman]

What's up, everybody?

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Billy Sherman]

So I'm Puerto Rican, Portuguese, Native American, Middle Eastern, Italian and Jewish. And if I was a woman, I would look exactly the same. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage.

[D Madness]

So,

[Billy Sherman]

yeah, it's tough stuff being Puerto Rican and Jewish. Puerto Ricans are known for two things. They know how to dance and stab people. So please laugh at these jokes. I was driving down the street the other day and I saw a sign that said, drive like your kids live here. So I drove away. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing. Cause I was wasted.

[Tyler Fisher]

So.

[Billy Sherman]

Yeah, my mom told me that if my son pees on me, it means that he loves me. So I figured I'd show my dad some love. And now I can't go back to the cemetery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Billy Sherman. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

How long you been on Stand up, Billy?

[Billy Sherman]

About ten plus years.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. Where at?

[Billy Sherman]

I started in Honolulu, Hawaii.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you still live there?

[Billy Sherman]

No, I live here in Austin now.

[Cam Patterson]

How long did you move Here.

[Billy Sherman]

I just moved here in September of last year.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. Congratulations. You fighter. Jiu jitsu, what is it?

[Billy Sherman]

Yeah, I just do jiu jitsu.

[Cam Patterson]

And you've been doing it for a long time.

[Billy Sherman]

Three years.

[Cam Patterson]

How did your ear get so up?

[Redband]

I did.

[Billy Sherman]

I just. It's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is terrifying.

[Tyler Fisher]

Wow.

[Billy Sherman]

It's a vagina on the side of my head. I just. I really love the sport, man. And I just. I love rubbing up against on people, you know.

[Tyler Fisher]

Wow, there's the clit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm trying to figure that out. There it is.

[Tyler Fisher]

You should teach a class on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Cam Patterson]

Billy, what do you do for work?

[Billy Sherman]

I'm a property manager. Work for Jews.

[Cam Patterson]

What kind of. What. What exactly is your like day to day work like?

[Billy Sherman]

I just try to make sure no one gets evicted and.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you mean you're trying to make sure no one gets just.

[Billy Sherman]

I don't know, I just, like. I just do a lot of folks who live in apartment complexes and then there's people that are always doing drugs and I have to be like, you can't do that here, man.

[Cam Patterson]

Again, what kind of drugs are they doing?

[Billy Sherman]

Mostly math. Yeah, a lot of math.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow. Okay. What kind of car do you have, Billy? You are built very strangely, right?

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You're like.

[Billy Sherman]

I'm in my third trimester. Yeah, it's. I drive a car that looks like me. It's a 1999 Toyota Yaris, kind of what I pictured. It looks just like me. So blue. That's a little gray.

[Tyler Fisher]

Are the side mirrors all mangled?

[Redband]

Yes.

[Tyler Fisher]

Pull the flap up, Billy.

[Cam Patterson]

You ever win in jiu jitsu suit?

[Billy Sherman]

I've got maybe about 15 gold medals.

[Redband]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Tyler Fisher]

Sorry I said that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Billy Sherman]

Master's division, though. I'm 32, so I don't know, I'm an old guy.

[Cam Patterson]

So you're in the old guys.

[Billy Sherman]

Old guy bit of him.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Yeah.

[Chris Beskin]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

All right. What's your. Your love life like right now?

[Billy Sherman]

Nothing. Not really happening.

[Cam Patterson]

Right.

[Billy Sherman]

But yeah, I just got that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Billy Sherman]

A lot of black chicks. I like black women.

[Cam Patterson]

You like black women?

[Billy Sherman]

I like black women. Like them brown, but Asian black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redband]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Billy Sherman]

I'm. Well, I'm Puerto Rican, so, you know, I'm. I got some melanin, you know what I mean?

[Cam Patterson]

You got some what?

[Billy Sherman]

I got some of that melanin. You got some melon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Said watermelon. Looks like it.

[Cam Patterson]

What is it that you prefer about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

black women over other women?

[Cam Patterson]

What do you think it is?

[Billy Sherman]

Black women are natural born lovers, very loyal, and they cook really good and I like to eat, so that's important to me.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Tyler Fisher]

All those bacon bits.

[Cam Patterson]

Billy, what else? Do you have any hobbies or anything

[Billy Sherman]

besides stand up comedy and jiu jitsu? I do some Adderall occasionally. I like to get kind of tore up sometimes and then.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you mean by tore up?

[Billy Sherman]

I just. I'll wear this shirt. This is actually my favorite shirt. I like to wear this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Billy Sherman]

Yeah, that's my favorite shirt. I like to just do a lot of Adderall and just get blazed up and just have a good time with.

[Cam Patterson]

You smoke pot?

[Billy Sherman]

No, I wouldn't do that. You know, like, I just drink.

[Cam Patterson]

What is going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I lost you here just a minute ago. Something's going on.

[Billy Sherman]

I. I drink a lot and I do Adderall. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so how does that.

[D Madness]

How does that equal to blazed up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You smoke Adderall?

[Billy Sherman]

No, I never snorted. I thought about doing it. I was. I never done it yet.

[D Madness]

It's time for a new shirt. Did you think about that?

[Billy Sherman]

Yeah. I got to lose some weight first, man. I got to. Then I can keep it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Billy, it's a very tiny shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think I would fit in it.

[Billy Sherman]

It's struggling.

[Cam Patterson]

It's unbelievable.

[Tyler Fisher]

You want to trade?

[Billy Sherman]

I wouldn't mind it. Yeah, sure.

[Tyler Fisher]

I wonder if I could fit in.

[Billy Sherman]

Damn.

[Cam Patterson]

I think you can eat.

[D Madness]

Yeah, you can do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you can do it. Why not? Let's do it. Let him take some. Some Pepto Bismol, right? Oh, wow.

[Cam Patterson]

He actually did do a shot of Pepto Bismol there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is incredible. Look at all the layers on this Christmas ornament that we call Tyler Fisher, the Human Christmas ornament. And then we have what appears to be. This guy is literally. Oh, my goodness. Welcome to the all new Broadway musical. It's meatball and pasta.

[D Madness]

Oh, this is gonna be hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the moment of truth right here. It turns out the shirt is huge on Tyler, by the way. Lot of space. Wow. Actually. Whoa.

[Cam Patterson]

Incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looks good.

[Cam Patterson]

That looks better than your original shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Way better.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

40 bucks, by the way. Very good.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band.

[Cam Patterson]

How do you feel right now, Billy?

[Billy Sherman]

I am.

[Tyler Fisher]

It almost fits better.

[Billy Sherman]

I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. This is the best.

[D Madness]

He look like a real illegal now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shit, man.

[Redband]

What the fuck, man?

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah, finish the wall. He could be the wall, frankly. He could be the wall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All those ethnicities just turned into Mexican real quick.

[Billy Sherman]

No, I gotta get back to my construction job. Essie.

[Cam Patterson]

That is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It took, like, 10 years off of you, too.

[Cam Patterson]

You look like a little kid with facial hair.

[Billy Sherman]

Ten pounds, though. I don't. I've got the gut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You weren't tricking anybody in this show.

[Cam Patterson]

Billy, what do you like to eat? How does someone get so round?

[Billy Sherman]

I really. I really like brisket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Billy Sherman]

I really like.

[D Madness]

I like meat. Wait a minute.

[Billy Sherman]

Paul's?

[Ari Matty]

Yeah.

[Redband]

That guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not that kind, but I love meat.

[Billy Sherman]

I like me and pizzas and sushi and, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Red Band is hard as a rock right now. This is just everything he loves. Okay, Billy, congratulations.

[Cam Patterson]

Fun times. Here's a big joke book. There you go.

[D Madness]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really wanted to catch it, and he did. He focused there, and he caught the joke book. Wow.

[Tyler Fisher]

That's my favorite D. That's my favorite shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Tyler's got a new favorite shirt. Does it smell? Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Yudmi Sharma. Yudmi Sharma. This looks like a. Oh, yeah. All right.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Thank you.

[Redband]

Thank you.

[Yudmi Sharma]

How we doing tonight, folks? We good? All right. See, I was drunk in Vegas one time, and what I didn't know about Vegas is that you can't hail a cab anywhere on the Strip. It has to be, like, a hotel or one of these designated locations. I didn't know that. So I'm trying to hail a cab, and I'm thinking, they're not stopping because they're like, oh, we don't want this drunk idiot in our car. But finally, I was able to kind of hail one. And for whatever reason, my drunken mind was like, hey, go speak Spanish to this guy because it'll be more amicable in giving you a ride. So I got to his car and I was like, senor Jo deluxor y quesiro, por favor. And without missing a beat, he's like, rapido, cabron. I got in the car, we looked at each other and realized we're both Indian. Yeah. He's like, where do we go from here? And I was like, luxor. Luxor. Still. Four, favor. Four. Four. I'm trying to enjoy the little things in life, like little titties. Man, I wish I had little titties. You ever go to give a woman a hug and you and her both realize at the same time you have bigger sisters than her? Embarrassing for everybody. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yudmi Sharma, this is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome.

[Cam Patterson]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Two and a half years.

[Cam Patterson]

Two and a half years. Do you always Dress like an Indian magician.

[Yudmi Sharma]

I don't know. Do you always look like a gay one?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Tyler Fisher]

Oh my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He got me. Say. Just say gay.

[Cam Patterson]

I love it. Unbelievable. What do you do for work? You'd me. Sharma.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Take a guess.

[Cam Patterson]

Why don't you just answer the question?

[Redband]

Fair enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fair enough.

[Yudmi Sharma]

It's tech. I do tech.

[Cam Patterson]

There you go.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Who could have got.

[Cam Patterson]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson.

[D Madness]

I thought he sold jewelry. That's what I thought. That was my guess. Thought he sold earrings and.

[Redband]

Huh.

[D Madness]

Cuz it's earrings. Look at his earrings.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Look at it folks.

[Tyler Fisher]

Dude.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Real cubic zirconium.

[Tyler Fisher]

You should pierce that guy's vagina with your earring.

[D Madness]

Dude.

[Cam Patterson]

So you'd me. Let's talk about it. How old are you?

[Yudmi Sharma]

37.

[Cam Patterson]

37. And you've been working tech pretty much your whole life?

[Yudmi Sharma]

About six, seven years.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. What exactly do you do in tech?

[Yudmi Sharma]

So I. Tech support for the most part. Like there's work from home. I do.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. And so phone calls just come to like a second phone that you have and you help people.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Usually zoom calls but you know.

[Cam Patterson]

So you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Yudmi Sharma]

It's. It's first. I have a couple clients who. They need older clients. They need some, you know, stuff done and I'm like yeah, I got it.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you Indian it up when you answer those calls?

[Yudmi Sharma]

I try not to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am here to assist you or whatever. Oh yeah.

[Yudmi Sharma]

I've never heard the Indian accent before. Can you guys believe it?

[Cam Patterson]

This might be the slant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know?

[Cam Patterson]

This call may be recorded but somehow still gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It may be. It may be recorded for. I'll drop it down two octaves that you can stop thinking about my dick. And for a second. You horny?

[Tyler Fisher]

Really? Don't make fun of Donny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like do not call me.

[D Madness]

But it's not nice.

[Ari Matty]

No. Very bad.

[D Madness]

No. That's my exit. That's it. That's all I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'd me.

[Cam Patterson]

What's your love life like?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Dating somebody?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, you're dating someone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did get Indian there for a second. Did you hear that?

[Cam Patterson]

D?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Madness. Heard the word gay five times in two minutes. So he has to take a break. He's famously homophobic. He goes back there and hits a punching bag when gates get mentioned on this show.

[Cam Patterson]

So you me. What does your girl do for a living?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take a guess. She works in tech too.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Hospital. Works Hospital.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hospital and nurse. She work at local hospital. What does she do at the hospital?

[D Madness]

Nurse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's a nurse.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. Did she ever bring any of her like drama home? You know what I mean? Like oh, today there was a guy lost his arm or whatever.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Sure, every now and again.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. Does anyone any one of those stories stand out to you?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Not really, no. It's.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have anything that you do? Are Indians known for something?

[D Madness]

Hit it with that curry hammer.

[Yudmi Sharma]

That's what I was going to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got a couple moves.

[Ari Matty]

Tony.

[Yudmi Sharma]

I don't want to show any of those to you, though.

[Cam Patterson]

I.

[D Madness]

Are you gay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. It is unbelievable.

[Yudmi Sharma]

I said I don't want to show anybody.

[Cam Patterson]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because that would be gay.

[D Madness]

That would be gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you describe them with words?

[Cam Patterson]

What your, like, go to is in the bedroom. She's Indian as well.

[Yudmi Sharma]

No, Latina.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Mostly into Latinas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you.

[Yudmi Sharma]

It's not super serious. So, ladies, I'll be outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow. I love what. The confidence that you have for a guy shaped like Indian Santa Claus. It is unbelievable.

[Cam Patterson]

Bubble.

[Tyler Fisher]

I wonder if I could fit in his shirt.

[Yudmi Sharma]

There's some room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get in here.

[Tyler Fisher]

Just keep trading shirts on me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's keep trading it. Do you think you could fit in this shirt? Yeah, you can. I cannot. Come on, let's do it. Trade shirts with Tyler. I am not taking my shirt off.

[D Madness]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Cam Patterson]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me. Play the roof.

[D Madness]

No, not all of you.

[Redband]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On every single one of you. Yudmy, come on. Look at him. Have some fun. He wants to play with you.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Yeah, I don't think. Oh, and have his lip forever on the Internet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of you. Udby's like,

[Redband]

oh. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. How about a vest? Jacket? Switch.

[Tyler Fisher]

I'm calling tech support.

[Redband]

We need a new fucking comedian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We need a new comedian. This podcast may be recorded for your. These jokes may be recorded.

[Cam Patterson]

Yud me. Tell us more about your life. What else are you into? What's fun about Yud me? No.

[Remy Swiss]

Okay.

[Yudmi Sharma]

No. No worries. That's mostly just. I'm just doing comedy for the moment.

[Cam Patterson]

That's an H, not an M, huh?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Yes, sir.

[Cam Patterson]

Ud.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Ud.

[Tyler Fisher]

Okay.

[Chris Beskin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Just doing comedy for the most part. I'm here in Austin. I'm in la. Comic here for the week and did a couple shows and now I'm here.

[Cam Patterson]

How long have you been doing standup in la?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Two and a half years.

[Cam Patterson]

So the whole time in la?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

Are you from la? I am born and raised.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Born in India, grew up in la.

[Cam Patterson]

How old were you when you moved to la?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Nine years old.

[Cam Patterson]

Nine years old. What part of LA do you live in?

[Yudmi Sharma]

In west la.

[Cam Patterson]

West la. By the beach, by the airport.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Culver. City.

[Cam Patterson]

Culver City. They know all about it. What do you love about Culver City?

[Yudmi Sharma]

It's a location. It's pretty close to.

[Cam Patterson]

Have you noticed anything about La Change in the past 10 years?

[Yudmi Sharma]

There were a couple fires. I don't know if you guys heard about those. Those were interesting.

[Cam Patterson]

Not exactly what I'm talking about. Unless you're talking about the police cars being on fire. Anything else that you've noticed about the culture?

[Yudmi Sharma]

A lot of shit's changed, by the way.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah?

[Billy Sherman]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Like what?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Well, I guess it got worse for a while after Covid got worse, and then it kind of. It's come. Come back up now, I think.

[Craig Baxter]

Okay.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Yeah, crimes and like that, you know?

[Tyler Fisher]

You sure you're not in the Valley? It looks like you directed fat porn.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Ah, well, listen, ladies,

[Cam Patterson]

ladies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's back to the ladies again.

[D Madness]

You over a horny, huh, Though?

[Cam Patterson]

Ah, well, he really is. There's a of energy there. Where'd you meet this Latina that you found?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Hinge.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. Do you go a lot on the dating sites? I try to go on a lot of dates. What's your go to? Move. Where do you like to take a girl on a date?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Manhattan Beach. Oh, I got a place in Manhattan Beach. Go there first date and then do what you got to do, you know, you.

[Cam Patterson]

It's your place.

[Yudmi Sharma]

No, no, a. Like a nice restaurant there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

What kind of food is it exactly?

[Yudmi Sharma]

Pasta, you know, Italian place.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Yeah.

[Tyler Fisher]

Carbonara?

[Ari Matty]

Sure.

[Cam Patterson]

Tight little Schwegatel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what that is?

[Yudmi Sharma]

A little Faguccini for Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you son of a. Got me again. Got me. Everyone remember when he was scared to take his shirt off because it was gonna exist on the Internet forever? Forever.

[Yudmi Sharma]

And then I'd be known as the guy, the Indian. Bert Kreischer forever.

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah.

[Yudmi Sharma]

No thanks.

[D Madness]

No dirt.

[Cam Patterson]

Kreischer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a little joke book, my friend.

[Cam Patterson]

Friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There goes Yudhi Sharma.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Thank you.

[Cam Patterson]

Let's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's juice up the room a little bit. You know, it's been kind of. We've been missing some energy in here. I think it's time that we bring in one of the greatest regulars in this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen. And I'm an absolute anomaly.

[Cam Patterson]

One of the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the. One of just the best on stage, offstage. Cool as absolutely hilarious. Very soon, hopefully he, like us, will be an American citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari. Matty, What's up?

[Ari Matty]

Shut up.

[Yudmi Sharma]

It's my time,

[Ari Matty]

So I'VE been trying to assimilate fit in to the American culture. I've been trying to listen to some of your music. Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift. What a pile of shit, huh? How is she famous? How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai? Who the fuck goes to these concerts? Jesus Christ. Isis, pull your shit together. Bomb the concert. How many letters do I have to write? ISIS hates women and gay people. Dude, at a Taylor Swift concert, the homo per square meter. You blow up a Taylor Swift concert. Next day, perfect society. It's like children's music.

[Cam Patterson]

No, I have a T shirt.

[Ari Matty]

What if you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift and I

[Craig Baxter]

fuck you,

[Ari Matty]

I should go to prison because I'm clearly banging, I'm mentally challenged, retarded ass bitch. No wonder she's dating a football player. You know, only a man with ct. Those two retards at home. Thank you so much. That's my time. You're all great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is again. The one black power and the only you too, white Ari. Matt, we love it.

[D Madness]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

There is no question everyone agrees with everything you just said. But really, who are like, they're sick in the head. There's people that are truly.

[Ari Matty]

Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine.

[Cam Patterson]

Yep.

[D Madness]

And she ain't got no ass.

[Ari Matty]

Yes. No ass. I don't get that either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No ass at all.

[Ari Matty]

No ass, no ass, no titty. No ass, no titty.

[Remy Swiss]

That's her ass.

[Cam Patterson]

Ever been. Has there ever been a female star that big? Like a musician that big that doesn't have the. The ass?

[Tyler Fisher]

See?

[Redband]

Exactly.

[Ari Matty]

When I was young, it was Britney Spears.

[D Madness]

British, British, bad ass. Liz. Lizzo. Hey, look, I can hold you, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Madonna don't have no ass. Oh, right, man. Wow. Black man armpits.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, thank.

[Ari Matty]

I'd rather do. I'd rather do a Dell.

[D Madness]

Adele.

[Joshua Yellis]

Adele?

[Ari Matty]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

You with Lizzo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Ari Matty]

I'd rather do Lizzo than Taylor.

[D Madness]

The out of Lizzo now. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As long as I can find a hole.

[D Madness]

She got skinny A little bit. She's still big. But oh my God, she got. She got a little better. Like, listen, you think she's skinny? She was fat before.

[Cam Patterson]

She is morbidly obese.

[D Madness]

She look better now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look out Lizzo right now as fat as she was. Listen, show us the current picture Lizzo back then.

[D Madness]

I will not tell nobody and I will tell somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I'm saying? Lizzo. Talking about Lizzo. Lizzo Redband is. He's trying to think of Something mediocre to say so. He doesn't even know what we're talking about.

[Tyler Fisher]

They would have to slingshot you into her.

[D Madness]

I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. We're going together. Three of us.

[Tyler Fisher]

We'll go together.

[D Madness]

She look better now.

[Ari Matty]

Us three could Liz. Yeah, we can make it happen, baby.

[D Madness]

We all get on his shoulders.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Hell yeah.

[Tyler Fisher]

That shirt's looking pretty good. Are.

[Cam Patterson]

Is that.

[D Madness]

What's he been stealing shirts all night?

[Ari Matty]

Shirts off. Is that the word?

[D Madness]

No, he'd be taking.

[Tyler Fisher]

I'm wearing some meth addicts.

[D Madness]

She's still thick as, but you see that?

[Tyler Fisher]

Oh, and with a vagina ear, you

[Cam Patterson]

wouldn't even believe it.

[D Madness]

She can get oh, I the out of Lizzo right now. Okay, y' all not with me.

[Cam Patterson]

It looks like if someone dipped red

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

band in milk chocolate. Dude, it's no crazy. Yeah, you're just thinking about how big she was before.

[D Madness]

Well, yeah, she got a little better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She is right here. Everybody. Here she is. Oh, that's good to you.

[D Madness]

First thing you say is Cam you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I ain't say Taylor's got no ass. Lizzo has no eyes. The world is crazy.

[Tyler Fisher]

Lizzo.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, she's huge. All right, Maddie, what else is going on?

[Ari Matty]

We went to. We're doing some of those killers of Kill Tony's, you know. Oh, I hung out with Cam's family.

[D Madness]

Dude.

[Redband]

He.

[Ari Matty]

He's got a crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a crazy family, huh? Oh, yeah.

[D Madness]

His dad is so fun.

[Ari Matty]

I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work, huh? Dude, at one point we did the show. We did the show. We go to the green room and Cam just wants us second after he said he just wants a second to sit down before he go out for the meet and greet. And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door and goes, cam, I gotta talk to you. Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting. Get on out there. Make us some money.

[D Madness]

What the fuck? You wilful red man.

[Cam Patterson]

It is.

[Redband]

I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

Very true. It is your traditional. I guess it is indeed part of the culture. Much like having a big entourage. Having a dad. If you're black dad. What I'm one thing that I've learned, and maybe this isn't everybody, but just my own personal studies

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

is that if

[Cam Patterson]

the black dad is present in the black young achieving artist's life or athlete's life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And yes, it is a big F.

[Cam Patterson]

Thanks for adding that in. That is Fox News contributor Tyler Fiser. But if they are in the Young artist or athlete's successful life, they do tend to be the one that takes the check that kind of like in deposits it and does everything.

[D Madness]

I asked him that day. He came up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael. What were you saying? Michael?

[D Madness]

He came to the. He came to the show last week with a whole Gucci outfit on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, and I was like, easy as 1, 2, 3.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm like, hey, all right, all right, all right.

[D Madness]

I said, hey, where you getting all this money from? And he looked me in my face and said, my investment paid off,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Black rat.

[Ari Matty]

That's true. That's the way you can. That's the way when you're a black guy, you can get your dad to stick around. You got to become a global superstar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He'll be around.

[Ari Matty]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they'll show up.

[Ari Matty]

So funny.

[Cam Patterson]

They will show up. I've had a couple black men pop into my life claiming to be my long lost father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[William Montgomery]

Red man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[D Madness]

The whip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three times in a row, man. Crazy. It's crazy.

[Cam Patterson]

That shirt is so red.

[Ari Matty]

It is a red shirt. I found it at a secondhand store in Schnectaddy.

[Cam Patterson]

Schnectaddy.

[Ari Matty]

I went to. Yeah, Upstate New York. Didn't know New York is that big, you know, Dude, I was so excited to go to New York. In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know, just. And then we land in Schnechtaddy and Binghamton. Dude, I kept walking around Schnectidaddy asking for people. Which way is Statue of Liberty?

[Tyler Fisher]

Schnectidaddy.

[Ari Matty]

This country is big.

[Redband]

What?

[D Madness]

Where the is snacks the daddy at?

[Ari Matty]

You haven't beat the chicken. Schnitzel.

[Tyler Fisher]

Schenectady.

[Ari Matty]

Oh, yeah. Schnectidaddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Schnectaddy.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then Binghamton. Exactly. Pronounced Schnectidaddy. But I like the way Ari says it's it.

[Cam Patterson]

So we're going to stick with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But, yeah, it's upstate New York.

[Cam Patterson]

Not far from the Canadian border, probably, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably an hour.

[Ari Matty]

No idea. I turned on Google.

[Cam Patterson]

Those proud Canadians over there. Is that the pop that I'm hearing? No. Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, good.

[D Madness]

Is that by Rochester?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, there. There they are. We found them. There's the upstate New York people that hate Rochester.

[D Madness]

Rochester. A.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. The place is chaos.

[D Madness]

My stand on that, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Upstate New York, a highly debated topic. Is it worse than hell? A lot of people.

[Redband]

It was bleak.

[Ari Matty]

Like, I asked a barista there like a lady. I was like, so what do you cuz? I was trying to Figure out what the.

[Craig Baxter]

What is it?

[Ari Matty]

And I was like. So, like, what do you do here? She goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'm the quarterback for the Buffalo

[Cam Patterson]

Bills

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in the off season. I make coffee.

[Cam Patterson]

Actually, the quarterback for the Bills is cool. Josh Allen. Oh, there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not actually.

[Cam Patterson]

Yay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody. I know who Josh Allen is and

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't know what the bean was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, flag on the play. Lying by the homosexual. 15 yard penalty, third down. Yes. Okay, red pan. A lot of Red Bull for you today, huh? Jesus, it's like Beethoven on a soundboard over here. I don't think you need both hands, Red band.

[Cam Patterson]

Anything else crazy, Ari, before we get back to this bucket?

[Ari Matty]

No, just been enjoying life. The fans are so good.

[Cam Patterson]

You are always rock solid with your minutes. Absolutely incredible. You've done it it again.

[Ari Matty]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you. Bye. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Craig Baxter, everybody. Craig Baxter.

[Cam Patterson]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yeah. Let's go.

[Craig Baxter]

All right, far back. Do I just go? I don't have to. You guys. How you doing? You guys, everybody from Austin. We got foreigners here. What do we got? Guy on the plane doesn't even follow comedies like this is the Place to Be, Then I get here. The odds are like 8 million to one to be on here. I'm from a small town, man. I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show. They don't even fit. They're like falling out of the front doors over there. What do we got here tonight? We got. How many single people? We got? We got a couple. How many married people? All right, one group has hope. That's cool. You guys. You ever see underwear in your trash? Skip work and file for divorce. My family left it down by the road. The neighbors are walking their dog, calling 911 about the bodies buried next door. You know, they're posting pics on Facebook like, hashtag graves next door. Hashtag milk carton. Kids, mystery solved. Hashtag time to move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna cut you off there, Craig, before the bear steps in.

[Cam Patterson]

Step on that red X over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get way over there where the. Where you should be. All right, welcome.

[Cam Patterson]

Welcome. Welcome to the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Craig, how are you?

[Craig Baxter]

Great. How you doing?

[Cam Patterson]

Great. It was an okay performance. Good News.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have 438 questions to ask you right now.

[Craig Baxter]

All right, what do you got?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

You are an incredible specimen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Cam Patterson]

Let's start there.

[Craig Baxter]

51.

[Cam Patterson]

51. How long have you been attempting stand up comedy about.

[Craig Baxter]

Since 2013? 10 years.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. What.

[Guana]

Where.

[Cam Patterson]

Where have you been doing this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Under.

[Cam Patterson]

Like, corporate parties or something like that? Is it some kind of. Where are you doing it at?

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah, well, Erie, Pennsylvania. There's not much Erie, pa.

[Cam Patterson]

I know it very well. Not far from where I was raised in Youngstown, Ohio.

[Craig Baxter]

Oh, yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

You know of Youngstown?

[Craig Baxter]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About what. What is that? About an hour away?

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you do for work in Erie, Pennsylvania?

[Craig Baxter]

Quality control, food industry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

What exactly are you checking?

[Craig Baxter]

I'm checking grape juice. I'm checking. Used to work with salt. All kinds of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know if you know this, but Cam is also a grape juice. Quality control.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did I do to glass?

[D Madness]

I'm too drunk to respond to that right now. Tony, How you feel about that? You like black people?

[Craig Baxter]

Oh, absolutely.

[D Madness]

Hell, yeah.

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah. Why not?

[D Madness]

I like this guy a lot.

[Craig Baxter]

What's the difference?

[Tyler Fisher]

He's killed a couple. It looks like. You look like the accountant for a serial killer.

[Cam Patterson]

It really is.

[Craig Baxter]

Does it pay?

[Cam Patterson]

I love it. You have a real look to you, Craig. I gotta know. I mean, there is no question you live alone.

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

There is no question. I've asked almost everyone, probably about, I would have to guess, 70 to 80% of all the bucket pools. I've asked if they have any hobbies. Now, I'm gonna get there, but I'm not asking yet. Let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a hobby, but you have hobbies. You are the kind of guy that has a room dedicated to something. The walls are covered in it. They're in collectible film.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's something going on here. Might be trains, might be cards. Thank you, Redband. Thank you for adding so deeply to this. I thank you.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you even more. But there is no question in my mind that you are a man of many hobbies. What are those hobbies?

[Craig Baxter]

Hobby cycling, cross country skiing, triathlons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A super athlete. I wouldn't have guessed that, actually. Are you the guy that was choking

[Cam Patterson]

out the meatball jiu jitsu guy earlier?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

So you're in good shape, huh?

[Craig Baxter]

Well, yeah, I'm getting old, but yeah, right.

[Cam Patterson]

Absolutely. Well, some people are asking to take it off.

[Billy Sherman]

This is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a very wild show. Wow. How many of you guys think Craig and Tyler should trade shirts, huh? Let's do it.

[Tyler Fisher]

You want to try this one on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's. Let's do a little switcheroo. Tyler is tossing me the knife. This is absolutely incredible what's happening here tonight, Ladies and gentlemen. This shirt is going. What's going to be funny is when Craig goes back across the street to the bar and runs into Remy Swiss and is like, hey, where the hell did you get. That's my favorite shirt. Wow. Incredible. Tyler is getting smart. Smaller and smaller as the episode goes on. Honey, I shrunk my panel guest. This is incredible. Absolutely adorable. Tyler Fisher. Oh, my goodness. Wow. This is a full switcheroo. Wow.

[Redband]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah.

[Guana]

Turn around.

[Tyler Fisher]

That's nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. Welcome to Bill and Ted's not so excellent adventure. Looks like Josh Potter. I don't even know which one's which now. This is incredible. At this point, somehow. Somehow Craig Baxter looks young. Craig's one of the. Craig's like that hot chick on a rom com, takes the glasses off, turns into a student. I'm like, what, do you collect trains? He's like, I'm a triathlete. This is incredible. Crazy. You need to get the Lasik, bro. All right, band. Everyone settle down.

[Cam Patterson]

Let's check in with Tyler Fiser here.

[Tyler Fisher]

I can't see, dude. How do you kill those people? How do you kill those people, man? No wonder he's got to stay in shape. He's got a K. Get back here.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you feel different in those glasses?

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah, dude. I feel like I want to a kid. Like I want to myself. I can't even figure it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. There's no doubt about it. This does look like right. If you didn't have facial hair, I would call the police on this duo right now. Tyler,

[Tyler Fisher]

we could catch pedophiles. I'll be the kid going, got get him. Come on, get him.

[Craig Baxter]

I can't see him.

[Tyler Fisher]

I can't see him. I can't him if I can't see him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The kid from behind, the pedophile from the front. It is unbelievable.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Wow.

[Tyler Fisher]

This just looks like pedophile Halloween costume.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just in the.

[Tyler Fisher]

In the bag. You go, oh, sh.

[Cam Patterson]

Tyler, come back over here. Keep the glasses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to talk to Craig without his glasses.

[Cam Patterson]

Craig, are you aware that you literally look. Look 30 years younger without the glasses on?

[Tyler Fisher]

You look like a human.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a good, decent human being.

[Craig Baxter]

You know, you'll probably enjoy this. The.

[Cam Patterson]

The.

[Craig Baxter]

The eye doctor, he said, I went in for Lasik. He said, I can't even fix this. He wasn't even. He said, I've been doing this 30 years. Nothing I can do now.

[Cam Patterson]

What does it look like. What's the difference between glasses and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh. Scam. Patterson has arrived, everybody. Hey, give me your. Hey, give me that route number, girl.

[D Madness]

I'll do your taxes for you. Don't worry about it. They said that look real good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Whoopi right there.

[D Madness]

Look at his highlighted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What you say?

[D Madness]

Well, outside, really up. This is terrible.

[Cam Patterson]

I could tell your eyes are bad, Craig, by the way that you buttoned your shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You came in.

[Cam Patterson]

You came in with your shirt tucked in. Now you have the eighth button up on the fourth button down. This is incredible.

[Tyler Fisher]

I would lose the glass. You look fucking hot, man. Is that what I look like?

[D Madness]

No.

[Craig Baxter]

Where are my single people? Come on, people.

[Tyler Fisher]

He also looks like Macaulay Culkin on meth. This is weird, man.

[Cam Patterson]

It is. So let's talk about it. How bad is your vision? Can you drive without glasses?

[Craig Baxter]

Can you into stuff? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's really bad, huh? How many fingers am I holding up? Real quick, how many fingers am I holding up?

[Craig Baxter]

I think four, but that's just because I know you have a whole hand. I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's try it again. How about now?

[Craig Baxter]

I'm going two to four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good guess. It is a very good guess.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the back. He's got. Holy Jesus it Christ, man.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

This is crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. She's blind, bro.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow. You are halfway to D Madness land, dude. That is unbelievable.

[Tyler Fisher]

You could be a Delta pilot.

[Craig Baxter]

Good. I could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tyler Fisher]

I'm still banned from that airline, so.

[Cam Patterson]

So, Craig, what is exactly going on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with your love life?

[Cam Patterson]

I gotta know. Like, you just haven't. What are you into big booty Latinas or.

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah, that's a good choice actually. Maybe I should have gone to Miami. I thought Austin was the place, but,

[D Madness]

you know, I love this guy, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. He is.

[Cam Patterson]

He's fantastic. Are you on like the dating app or something?

[Craig Baxter]

No, but that's one of my jokes. I was going to do it, but I ran out of time.

[Cam Patterson]

Go right ahead, you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't need to ask them if they're on the dating apps. Just do the joke.

[Craig Baxter]

Are you get. Well, that's.

[Guana]

That's the start.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, you can do it without

[Craig Baxter]

guys on you guys on eHarmony, match.com or Tinder. I'm. I'm not a stalker. One in. One in four people has a profile. None of them here. That's plausible. You know what I like about the dating apps? I like when women are honest. You know, when they're like. If you're married with kids and here to cheat. Keep in mind, I'm a leper. That's a chick I want to hang out with. She's spunky.

[D Madness]

You know, you just use the word spunky nigga. It's 2025. You just said spunky nigga.

[Redband]

I'm in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Cam Patterson]

Wait, was that your impression of a black guy?

[Redband]

That's.

[Craig Baxter]

That's my. About to get an ass kicked as a white guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love it. We love it, we love it.

[Cam Patterson]

So, Craig, like, tell me your last, like, date. What was that? Let's just go with the last one. Like, where was that? How does that go down? Where do you find this person? Turn your hat backwards so we could all see your face.

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guy's hot.

[Craig Baxter]

Be honest. It was like hiking, and that didn't really go anywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did she make it back from the hiking trip?

[Craig Baxter]

I heard on Facebook she did.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so your last one was a hike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing happened there.

[Cam Patterson]

How about the last time you got some action? Where do you find this innocent victim?

[Craig Baxter]

In Erie? Have you seen the people in Erie, man? We got. We've got, like, depression, snow, and diabetes.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's get back to what is. Okay, yeah. The last time you got laid. When was that?

[Craig Baxter]

Well, before my eyes went bad. I had contacts for a couple of years. That was good.

[Cam Patterson]

Let's go back to the question. Okay, let's try it again here. Last time you had intercourse with a living woman?

[Craig Baxter]

Living woman. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Craig Baxter]

And what. What about that?

[Cam Patterson]

When was that ballpark year?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ten years?

[Craig Baxter]

About three years.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. And so was that your girlfriend at the time or something like that?

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah, well, friend from.

[Cam Patterson]

From the sports. Okay.

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

All right.

[Craig Baxter]

Good looking triathlete girl.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, good looking triathlete girl. And do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Do you have any tricks that to please the ladies, like the calculator or something like that?

[Ari Matty]

Boobs.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Okay.

[D Madness]

I'm bothered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He does look like he would touch a boob and say boobs.

[D Madness]

Well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause you can't see him.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, yeah. Those are my boobs, Craig.

[Craig Baxter]

It's all. It's all about the tongue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? The tongue guy, Craig, flipped a coin and answered correctly. You are correct.

[Cam Patterson]

What is your trick with the tongue? What do you do?

[Craig Baxter]

It's all about rhythm. It's all about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And let's see.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you have any rhythm?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my. Well, I was. I wasn't actually expecting that. When I said, let's see. I was going to ask rhythm. I didn't realize you. I was going to Go. Let's see. And you were going to start eating air over there. Well,

[Tyler Fisher]

you might be eating ear when that guy takes his shirt back.

[D Madness]

They setting you up right now.

[Tyler Fisher]

Take the glasses off and go to town on that guy's ear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's gonna let you go up on him. He has a pussy for an ear. He has cauliflower ear. It's a whole thing.

[Tyler Fisher]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Man, Craig, you are such an interesting guy. I feel like I could talk to you forever. Fun times up here. You still live in erie?

[Craig Baxter]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

And what made you come to Austin, Texas?

[Craig Baxter]

Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I mean, you just came and you signed up.

[Cam Patterson]

This is your first time signing up

[Craig Baxter]

and yeah, I was just going to do a bunch of comedy stuff. Get out of the snow.

[Cam Patterson]

I love it. Perfect. And it worked out for you. Here's a big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Craig, just because I love your interview. Andy caught the book. Absolutely incredible. Wait, let's. Hold on. Take out the glasses and I'm going to throw you one of these little joke books. And I want to see if you can catch it. I'm not going to hit you in the face. I'm going to leave it short, just so you know. I just want to see if you could do it. Ready?

[Craig Baxter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who? Absolutely incredible. Here.

[Cam Patterson]

Throw that back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't get to keep that one. You got a big one.

[Tyler Fisher]

I'll take that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The budget is.

[Tyler Fisher]

We'll keep the shirt, but I'll take the hat. Here's 10 bucks to buy a new shirt. I'll see you in the venue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a new shirt. All is even. You got a new joke book. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Craig back.

[Redband]

Take it easy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He had a fun time. No one needs to get murdered because he had a good time. We're all safe here tonight. Oh, you know, he's having that time of his life. There's going to be a grave rob tonight. Just a mutilated corpse of a woman being ravaged with while his bare ass bounces up and down with never ending triathlete cardio. Just fucking a corpse all night long. That is a guy that never goes out of breath. And he can see police coming from six miles away. All right, your next bucket pole goes by the name of kiwana goanna, everybody. Giuana perhaps. Guy wanna gijuana. It is inside. It doesn't say inside. Is this guana?

[Cam Patterson]

Keep coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guana. Well, you saw how it went earlier with an inside bucket pull. I've tried to warn you. We will see how it goes again.

[Cam Patterson]

Usually a fan that has Seen the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

show and doesn't answer questions directly.

[Cam Patterson]

Very exciting stuff, but anything could happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This could be a prodigy, everybody. It could truly be the next regular or golden ticket winner. This is Guana.

[Guana]

So I recently found out that steroids make me manic. Have you ever woke up like in this corner, standing at 5 foot 11,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

equipped with retard strength?

[D Madness]

It's John

[Guana]

Cena.

[Cam Patterson]

Cause I have.

[Guana]

I accidentally cut my finger off in the process.

[Redband]

Yep. That's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now I can go

[Guana]

$1 million.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. I can go. I'm from the lower West. I.

[Guana]

When in doubt, pinky out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hate this show. I hate it. We've been doing it too long. I think we beat the game. I think it's over, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

It's just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just wild what's happening.

[D Madness]

Why you pop that ass this way? You ain't got no ass at all, man. That shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is going on? This terrible Taylor Shifty over here.

[Guana]

Hold up, guys. I just want to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Relax, relax. Hold on. You have to.

[D Madness]

You scared of this young white?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It takes time. Hold on, hold on. It takes time.

[Cam Patterson]

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't cup the mic like that. And just talk whenever you want, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tyler Fisher.

[Tyler Fisher]

I gotta say something tonight. This might be the only shirt that actually fits me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? Guana. Am I saying that correctly?

[Guana]

Yeah, it's the feminine version of batshit iguana.

[D Madness]

Oh, this crazy. This is insane person.

[Cam Patterson]

She is something else. Guana. Is that always. How long have you gone by Guana?

[Guana]

For quite a while now.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so how many times have you been to prison?

[Guana]

Well, I was once on accident. I was 17. I was in West Virginia. And the people I was with was a little crazy. So the jail was burnt down and they took us to prison. And I was too afraid to call my dad. So I stayed there for like three fucking weeks.

[Cam Patterson]

What were the people that you were staying with doing? Cam, I think she escaped.

[D Madness]

I think she escaped. I don't think she supposed to be free. I think this is the same person. It's a mental patient and we need a help.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, now why did they send you to prison?

[Guana]

At 17, I literally would not call my dad.

[Cam Patterson]

Right, right, right, right, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what was the offense that sent you? What did you do? What did the cops say that you.

[Guana]

They said the dog hit for marijuana on my car, but they couldn't find it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But was it in there?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, where was it?

[Redband]

Dude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so like I used to work. Wait Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. See, that's. We're not doing that.

[Cam Patterson]

I used to work Taco Bell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Okay, I will let you go

[Guana]

co. And I took the tray and it, like, fit under my passenger seat of my car. So perfect, like under the tracks, that if you felt under it, it just felt like the bottom of your car.

[Cam Patterson]

Life hack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Guana]

And that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Guana]

They didn't find it feel.

[Cam Patterson]

People going to Taco Bell all around the country right now just so that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they could hide their marijuana in an open cardboard box so that anybody can smell it, but you cannot for the life of you find it.

[Guana]

Facts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Facts indeed. It's not the box.

[Guana]

It's like the tray that you get when you go eat inside.

[Cam Patterson]

Got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about the second time you went to prison?

[Cam Patterson]

No, there was no second time. No, that was it.

[Guana]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. I thought you said. I thought.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Well, I've been.

[Guana]

Definitely been in jail.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, how about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a. That's a great point. I am saying prison like a savage over here. I just assume you're at a full time prison, but what have you been to jail for?

[Cam Patterson]

Let's name some more fun offenses here.

[Guana]

They're not fun though, okay? It's serious shit.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, well, I'm glad you learned your lesson for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what were. What were the offenses that sent you to jail?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, get rid of.

[Guana]

Well, I fucking tried to kill myself.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, they put you to jail. Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. Okay. Everyone relax.

[D Madness]

I told you, this escape, it's wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three sound effects at once.

[Tyler Fisher]

Why did you crash that plane in Toronto?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, hold on. Okay, when did you try to kill yourself?

[Guana]

Is it like in 2021?

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, that's very recent. What happened?

[Guana]

So, long story short, I was like, on a bunch of meds from the doctor, trying to get my mental health right. And my friend at the time, my best friend since, like my whole entire life, she was trying to do the same thing, but she took her life. Gone.

[Cam Patterson]

Your friend killed herself.

[Guana]

Yeah, right, Gone. And we were, like, trying really hard to get her meds right. No matter what we did, it didn't work. And she's gone. And, like. And I couldn't handle it, and I wasn't handling myself well, and I tried to do the same thing out of, like, not thinking correctly and got it.

[Cam Patterson]

How did you try to do it? How did you try to kill yourself?

[Guana]

So I took like, 45 Xanax bars. No lie.

[Tyler Fisher]

Two less than tonight. And I like, I can overdose on this. I'm so small.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work now, Guana?

[Guana]

So I'm an artist.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Guana]

Like a really awesome artist. I love art. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tattoo artist.

[Guana]

I do art and okay. I. Doordash.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do what?

[Guana]

Doordash.

[Cam Patterson]

You do doordash.

[D Madness]

She don't got no pinky, but she

[Cam Patterson]

a tattoo artist, people. Well, you're probably right handed.

[Guana]

Right hand.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, okay.

[Guana]

Okay. Look how big my hands are. First of all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey,

[Tyler Fisher]

whoa.

[Guana]

I got working man hands. I can do a lot of with these girls.

[Remy Swiss]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You also have working man's face. Guana, let's talk about it. Okay. We're having fun here.

[Tyler Fisher]

You could actually afford to lose half a finger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Guana, let's go through the pinky slicing moment here. How did that happen?

[Guana]

So I was using a chainsaw attachment on an edge grinder, carving out a giant like, tree stump that I got off this guy's property that he had out in the trash. And I took it to my house. It was like eight million thousand pounds. And this guy was like, here. And I use a chainsaw and I cut it up in pieces and then I was like carving it out, making cool art. And I had glasses and everything. And it just hit a knot in the wood and slipped back and took it off.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. That was a long way to get there. Guana, let's talk about it. What else do you do with your life when you're not doing art or everything? Let's just rattle some things.

[Guana]

I like to sing. I play guitar. I do.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, saying what? Do you like to sing?

[Guana]

Yeah, I do everything. And I did learn how to replay the guitar without my finger.

[Cam Patterson]

You did?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tyler Fisher]

Your finger's still longer than mine and I got the full thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. Would you guys like to switch pinkies for the rest of the night?

[Tyler Fisher]

I would kill for a pinky that big. You should finger that guy's ear with that fucking pinky.

[Guana]

Cauliflower here. This is hot. Well, tight as fuck.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You actually. Wow. That's incredible.

[Guana]

Knowledge is power.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, wait, no. Okay, you were on the inside tonight. You've been at this. You've been to the show tonight. How did you end up here?

[Guana]

I waited outside since like 3pm yeah. For standby tickets. And I went and signed up and I did all the things and I met all the people and I had a great, amazing, amazing time. Fun.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, I'm glad that you had fun, Guana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How exciting. Here's a little joke book.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. We're having fun here tonight. There's it's a wild bunch, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know. There used to be. How about another hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right, everyone? My goodness. Saging the room. After Guana was up here. Look at her hand reactivating our. All right, your next bucket bowl goes. We still having fun out there? Make some noise for Chris Berlin, everybody. Chris Berlin. Here we go. You know who doesn't like sexism? Fat, ugly chicks.

[Chris Beskin]

I watched this lady come out of a plant store carrying a giant bush. I said, I see you. She said, it's for my living room. I said, so is mine queen? My pronouns are G, F, Y, and usa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. That's my time. Okay, Chris Berlin.

[Cam Patterson]

That was funny. How you doing, Chris?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, stop shaking Cam's hand. Cam, relax.

[Cam Patterson]

Jesus Christ. What is this, the handshake show? What the hell's going on over here? Chris, stand right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello.

[Cam Patterson]

How are you?

[Chris Beskin]

I'm well, thank you.

[Cam Patterson]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Chris Beskin]

On and off since 2005.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. Why off?

[Chris Beskin]

Sometimes I play music as well.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you do musically?

[Chris Beskin]

I play drums.

[Cam Patterson]

You play drums?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Let's just wait a second here. Hold on, everybody. Hold on. Hold your horses, Tony.

[Chris Beskin]

Listen, so it's interesting. From COVID I got coveted shots, and it did something to my shoulders. I've lost all momentum in my arms. Okay, Covid, vaccines.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Tyler Fisher]

And he's got no fingers.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No fingers.

[Cam Patterson]

But, yeah, okay. Okay, so. Are you being serious?

[Chris Beskin]

I am. I'm dead serious.

[Cam Patterson]

Did they shoot it in both shoulders?

[Chris Beskin]

They did.

[Cam Patterson]

Really? What made you get a second one?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, no, no.

[Chris Beskin]

And listen, so. So when I went for the vaccine.

[Cam Patterson]

Are you with me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this like an MSNBC prank show where it's, like, trick a. Trick a patriot?

[D Madness]

No, listen, listen.

[Chris Beskin]

When I went to get the COVID shot, they also gave me some flu shot. They said, we're gonna split it up into two vaccines, put one in each arm, and I was like, that sounds smart. It was not. And probably like, 18 days later, I lost all momentum. Like, it debilitated. I was a big surfer. I mean, just. It changed my life.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Chris Beskin]

Changed my life.

[Cam Patterson]

So you can't play the drums anymore?

[Chris Beskin]

No.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow, that is so sad. There you go. There's a little Mexican music. Just. All right, so did you notice any other side effects, Chris, other than losing use of your shoulders? Probably.

[Redband]

No.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, where do you live? Talk right into the tip of that microphone.

[Chris Beskin]

I live in Austin now.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. When did you move here?

[Chris Beskin]

I moved here in July.

[Cam Patterson]

And where Were you before this?

[Chris Beskin]

San Francisco.

[Cam Patterson]

San Francisco. I was gonna guess that I should have just done it. What do you do for work?

[Chris Beskin]

I'm a creative director.

[Cam Patterson]

Creative director. So what are you creatively directing?

[Chris Beskin]

I creatively direct a podcast, and I work for a gaming company.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, what do you do for the gaming company?

[Chris Beskin]

I do live comms. So everything that comes out of the gaming company, I'm the mouthpiece.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, all right. The mouthpiece. What is that? What exactly do you mean by that?

[Chris Beskin]

Well, I put on a show every day. We put out. I put out a daily show.

[Cam Patterson]

You play games?

[Chris Beskin]

No, I report the news.

[Cam Patterson]

What kind of news?

[Chris Beskin]

It's crypto news.

[Cam Patterson]

Crypto news. Okay. How's that going for you? You making money in crypto?

[Chris Beskin]

Dude, dude, cryptos. The best advice, if you are a crypto trader, is remove the firearms from your house. I'm telling you, like, crypto. Like, dude, they took my phone away, and in the last five minutes, it's gone down another 20%. Like, I'm, it's, it's. It's no bueno.

[Cam Patterson]

It seems like a very shaky industry, right?

[Chris Beskin]

Dude, I, I believe in it. I, I, I, I believe it.

[Cam Patterson]

Why Explain to us all why you believe in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We very rarely talk about.

[Chris Beskin]

Okay, and, and just, Just super quick. So Solana, to me, Solana's amazing, and it's built for dabs.

[Cam Patterson]

Is this your little sister, Cam? Who's Solana?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Tyler Fisher]

We love Solana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's one of the Destiny's Children.

[Cam Patterson]

Children.

[Chris Beskin]

It's so. So, Tony, the, The easiest. The easiest way that I can explain it is think of. Think of Wells Fargo as a bank. That's a centralized application. Yes. If you want to send, let's say, money to Mexico, you have to go through a bank.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got to do all through my cleaning lady. I give it to my cleaning, like,

[Chris Beskin]

whatever it is, right? If, when. When you're dealing with crypto, it's person to person, there's no central organization.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, that seems trustworthy. How could that ever go wrong?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you doing pump and dumps? Is that what you're doing? Like, all that bullshit? No.

[Chris Beskin]

No.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you do? Just hope to get lucky? You just trust another human?

[Chris Beskin]

No, we're building an ecosystem.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, Forget it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, what do you do for fun?

[Chris Beskin]

I'm a. I. I was a musician for my entire life. I'm a surfer, an artist. I paint. I do. I do all your arms.

[Cam Patterson]

You. For a guy with shoulder injuries. You're moving around like a. Like one of those inflatables that he used car lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, I lost use of my shoulders years ago. I can't play the drums.

[Cam Patterson]

I can't surf. I can't do anything. Tony, I wish I could tell you more.

[Tyler Fisher]

You gotta meet with RFK junior. I don't think you're vaccine injured. I think you're just, you know. No, I hate to say it. I really hate say it as I really sorry. Cheryl.

[Cam Patterson]

Rfk, how do you feel about this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is.

[Cam Patterson]

This is exactly what you've been talking about. You and everyone else with common sense. It's about the vaccines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm not anti vax.

[Tyler Fisher]

I'm anti retardation.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you think he should do? What are. Would you have any exercises?

[Tyler Fisher]

I would do a couple shots of Pepto Bismol and stop being such a pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Chris, have you tried playing the drum since this injury?

[Chris Beskin]

No, I haven't.

[Cam Patterson]

It kind of seems like you can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's go. Do you guys believe in miracles? Everybody, here's the drum solo from Chris Beskin.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael has a great idea.

[Cam Patterson]

Very rarely do I take my band

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

seriously at all, but I heard Michael's idea and it sounds fantastic.

[Cam Patterson]

Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Black Blind drum off, everybody. This young man, Chris Beskin, is going to do a drum solo. And then D Madness Blind is going to do a drum solo. Ladies and gentlemen, going first, this. This is Chris Beskin. If he wins this competition, he will

[Cam Patterson]

have to lose his eyesight.

[Redband]

Oh, fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, by the way, he just fell over. Fun fact. That was not D Madness. That fell over. That was the guy with bad shoulders. And here is a drum solo from Chris Baskin. Okay. It's okay. All right.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay.

[Cam Patterson]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris Beskin. Everybody wants to see the blind guy do it. Get up, Chris. Yeah, get up. Get up, Chris. Watch your head on the microphone there, Chris.

[Cam Patterson]

Here he goes. You've never seen anything quite like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drums. Welcome to my little freak show that I call Kill Tony, everyone.

[Cam Patterson]

D Madness getting into position. Somehow nailing the landing better than Chris Beskin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is in his seat. And, ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only making some adjustments here. This is indeed D Madness, everyone, Ladies and gentlemen.

[Tyler Fisher]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

ExpressVPN, zip recruiter and prize Picks proudly presents another episode of Kill Tony. That is D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Undisputed undefeated, the grand champion of kill. Tony the mack daddy of them all. Laughing his ass off. He loves it. Ass having no show to have an ass bitch just talking the whole way to his seat show. Ass shoulders.

[Cam Patterson]

Chris, I'm sorry. Are you hurt over there? You look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Now people, the Internet's gonna be like, God damn it, Tony. Tony and his ego made that innocent guy play drums. Now he's a victim. Tony hurt that guy while he was living his dreams.

[Cam Patterson]

Are you okay, Chris?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're good, right?

[Chris Beskin]

We're good, we're good.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, I'll give you an aspirin after this. Got some good Advil cooking up in the front here. So, Chris, tell us something else crazy about your life. You seem like an interesting guy. You seem smart and cool. I loved the set. I really did.

[Chris Beskin]

I. I appreciate it. You know what? Life is crazy. But like, I mean, I mean, this is in. In in all earnestness. Life is crazy. And there's ups and there's downs, and it's important. It's important to keep going. And if you're chasing your dreams, remember that. You're a disappointment to somebody.

[Cam Patterson]

I love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, here's a big joke book. Thanks for coming on the show. Great stuff, great spirit, great energy. You're good, you're good, you're good. There goes Chris Beskin, everyone.

[Cam Patterson]

Adorable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another perfect example of big pharmas. Anyway, let's just keep it moving along here. This is a one word name. Those are usually very fun. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Longoria, everyone. Longoria.

[Longoria]

So I was looking for parking just earlier before the show, and I stopped at the red light down on Trinity, and I looked to my left and there were two gay guys kissing. And I thought to myself, good for them. Good for them. I keep driving, right? I come to another red light out here, and again I look to my left, two lesbians kissing. And I think to myself, nice.

[Cam Patterson]

Very nice.

[Longoria]

The light turns green and I keep driving. And I come to another red light. And I really wish I was making this up, because right there, a good friend of mine, another comic by the name of Joe Filey, pulls up right up next to me on a Harley. And you know, it's a cool bike, but my guy is riding bitch, holding onto another guy's waist. And before I could even think, I was already.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on tight.

[Tyler Fisher]

You wouldn't want to fall. You fucking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Longoria. Okay, fun.

[Tyler Fisher]

Good.

[Cam Patterson]

How long you been with stand up?

[Longoria]

Exactly a year.

[Cam Patterson]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll give or take.

[Cam Patterson]

Exactly. You're a funny guy. How old are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

32.

[Cam Patterson]

32. What do you do for work?

[Longoria]

I work with dogs. I'm a dog groomer.

[Cam Patterson]

You're a dog groomer?

[Longoria]

Yes, sir.

[Cam Patterson]

Incredible. You have any tricks to getting dogs to calm down or to stop barking working or anything?

[Longoria]

That's actually my specialty.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, you're like the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like the little.

[Cam Patterson]

The dog terrorist or something.

[D Madness]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Calm down,

[Tyler Fisher]

poodle.

[Longoria]

I do call them a lot. And how do you.

[Cam Patterson]

What is your secret to calming dogs down?

[Longoria]

Well, I have a mobile salon, so that helps a lot.

[Cam Patterson]

Like dumb and dumber?

[Longoria]

Yeah, pretty much. Not as cool, though. And I just. I take my time, and sometimes I don't really get anything done, and I have to come back to them maybe like, in a couple weeks or so, and. Well, I mean, these are very, like, very aggressive dogs that I work with. Like, today I had two dogs, and I almost died, like, 50 times. They were like.

[Cam Patterson]

What kind of dogs were they?

[Longoria]

They were Pyrenees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. I don't know. Matt Muelling dog aficionado Matt Muhling is cracking up over there. He reads It's a small breed. Matt says it's a very small breed. Is this true?

[D Madness]

Wait, I'm really high, so I might

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

be thinking of the wrong breed. No, you're. You're. You're right. Matt's wrong. This dog is huge.

[Longoria]

Yeah, they're like 200.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You pictured him. Pekingese is the tiny dog. Yes, I got that. Mr. Me, Mr. Not know anything. Mr. Bean. I knew his Pekingese.

[Cam Patterson]

I had a Pekingese once. Yeah. Back in the day. So these dogs were huge. What were they trying to do to you? Did they think you were one of them?

[Longoria]

Yeah, pretty much. That's what I do. I kind of, like, integrate into the.

[Cam Patterson]

You smoke a lot of pot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, after work.

[D Madness]

Got his shirt, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's badass glass.

[D Madness]

Yeah, it's a donkey with gold teeth.

[Longoria]

You 100 Mexican, half Mexican and half Arab.

[Cam Patterson]

Right.

[Longoria]

Boom.

[Cam Patterson]

What's the Arab?

[Longoria]

Half Egyptian.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay. And your mom is the Mexican? Dad's at the Egyptian.

[Longoria]

My mom's the Egyptian. My dad's Mexican.

[Cam Patterson]

Where do they meet? How do they. How many kids do they have?

[Longoria]

Just me and my sister.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Odd.

[Cam Patterson]

So they still together? Yeah, they love each other.

[Longoria]

Some have. I mean, they're still together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they ever tell you.

[Cam Patterson]

They ever tell you how they met,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

how that came to be?

[Longoria]

Not really.

[Cam Patterson]

Mexican and an Egyptian. So interesting. What did that do for work?

[Longoria]

He's a farmer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, yeah. Yep. He's the Mexican. That would be the farmer. How about your mom? Does she have a job?

[Cam Patterson]

She used to be a teacher.

[Longoria]

She does taxes and stuff like that.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, that's Egyptian. That's an Egyptian thing. Okay. What do you do for fun when you're not taking care of the dogs and everything?

[Longoria]

Well, I mean, I have four dogs of my own, so I don't know, I just hang out with them and then I try to do comedy as much as I can, and that's about it. I don't really play many.

[Cam Patterson]

What are the dogs names? What are the four dogs names?

[Longoria]

My dogs? Yeah, it's Bold, Gideon, Sadie and Kolachi.

[Cam Patterson]

Kolachi.

[Tyler Fisher]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kolachi.

[Cam Patterson]

What do you think a kolache is, Cam?

[D Madness]

Oh, I know what that is. That's a. That's a pastry. Ain't him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a pastry.

[D Madness]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm getting caught in my pastry. I rattled off a lot of pastries.

[D Madness]

I'll be around the world now. I'll be seeing now. But I know what a kolachi is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you spell it?

[D Madness]

Fuck you.

[Billy Sherman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dog.

[D Madness]

See you. Oh, ca.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

You have a girlfriend, Longoria?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, you. You go out on dates ever?

[Longoria]

Sometimes.

[Cam Patterson]

You get girls back to your place? Are they overwhelmed?

[Longoria]

No, I have four dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That right. Your place is you and the dog? Yeah. It has to be their place.

[Tyler Fisher]

And it's a van.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I forgot about that.

[Longoria]

It's a very nice apartment with a yard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Longoria]

No girls allowed, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No girls allowed.

[D Madness]

No.

[Cam Patterson]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like. It's a club. Okay.

[William Montgomery]

It's a boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are the breeds of the dogs that you have?

[Longoria]

It's two terriers and then two shepherds.

[Cam Patterson]

Mix. Okay.

[Longoria]

Like a husky. Once more of a husky and once more of a German shepherd. And then a border terrier and like a west terrier.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so it's like. You half terrorist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

All right. What's a fun fact about you or your life that would surprise us?

[Longoria]

I grew up playing hockey.

[Cam Patterson]

Really? I'm a Mexican hockey player.

[Longoria]

Yeah, goalie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Longoria]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tyler Fisher]

There's no walls,

[Yudmi Sharma]

open ice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am the one.

[Cam Patterson]

Normally. Normally your people avoid ice at all costs.

[Yudmi Sharma]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, nice.

[Cam Patterson]

Longoria, fun times. I liked your jokes, man. I don't know what. I don't know what's.

[Guana]

Cool.

[Longoria]

We have one.

[Cam Patterson]

Dude, but you do. You've been on before.

[Longoria]

Yeah, I was on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just weren't wearing that exactly a year. Yeah.

[D Madness]

No hat.

[Cam Patterson]

No hat. What's under there? I'm curious to know.

[Tyler Fisher]

Up here.

[Longoria]

My hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, Longoria, thank you so much. There he goes again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Longoria, he's already got a big joke book.

[Cam Patterson]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we should put a ribbon on it. We've had a fun episode. We've had a blast. There's only one way to end an episode like this, if you ask me, and it is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the Shot show, an icon, a man who God himself says has a greater healing touch than him. A man who is known for not only discovering America, but figuring out that the earth is round and that all right, it is the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

A white woman is suing a fertility clinic because she gave birth to a black baby. And weirdly enough, the exact opposite thing happened to my mother. When she saw me come out, she said, oh, hell no. North Korea has outlawed eating hot dogs. Apparently, real dogs were getting their feelings hurt. California Congressman Eric Swalwell, the guy who was fucking a Chinese spy, said Trump is responsible for the recent plane crashes. No, Eric, that would be Hillary Clinton. Hooters is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. They're trying to decide whether to file a chapter seven, a chapter 11, or a chapter 36 double D. Okay, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, take note that the. One of the best sets of the

[Cam Patterson]

night came from the man who's done it more than anybody else hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you so much, Tony. I'm feeling stronger than ever on the fucking row machine. I'm now up to 91 miles since February 3rd.

[Cam Patterson]

I will say, you seem very present. There's a little bit of snap in your. In your step today. You seem rested.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I'm feeling really good. And I swore I would not even bring this up, but last time I was talking, I was having the issues with not being able to do. And now recently I've been drinking on prune juice, which is like a miracle drink. I've been drinking big cups of it and. Oh, my God, my stomach's hurting right now, Tony, from how much I have to shed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

We have some Pepto Bismol if you'd like some. Where do you get this prune juice from?

[William Montgomery]

At Randall's?

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, that's a very specific answer.

[William Montgomery]

It's not. Not in the freezer, not in the fridge section. Just by the other juices, Right?

[Cam Patterson]

And is it from concentrate or pure prune juice?

[William Montgomery]

Think pure prune juice, I think. I can't think of the brand. It doesn't really matter.

[Cam Patterson]

How does it make you feel when you're on the toilet and the prune juice is shown mercy on you?

[William Montgomery]

Well, two days ago, Tony, I swear to God, with the. And I think I've said this all before at one point, but the how. How it was jettison out of my. It was making the loudest. Like, it sounded like a jet noise. Tony. And I'm holding on to the toilet.

[Cam Patterson]

Can you do an impression of.

[Tyler Fisher]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, Something like. And I'm thinking, hold on. I've been drinking a bunch of water. I thought, water comes out from your kid. From your what? Bladder. I'm thinking, how's all this liquid in my colon or my bud area? So that part I didn't understand, because when you drink water, isn't that in your. It's like your front part, Right.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, is it.

[William Montgomery]

So if you drink a bunch of water and you pee. Cause it's coming. It's in your front part. But is it the colon or whatever in your back part?

[Guana]

Kind of.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you think the food goes in into the back and the liquid goes to the front, you think?

[William Montgomery]

That's what I was thinking about. That's what I think my conclusion was coming to. Is it not two different places?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, the prune juice is a liquid, right?

[William Montgomery]

Y.

[Cam Patterson]

And then you have your club soda that you love so much to drink. There's a lot of that. And then there's the water that you drink when you're working out, Right?

[Chris Beskin]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

Now that you're rowing.

[William Montgomery]

Yep.

[Cam Patterson]

So there's a lot of liquid.

[William Montgomery]

So it would make sense that it was okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It actually goes in your blood.

[Cam Patterson]

The liquid goes in your blood, and then it gets redistributed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it goes in, and then it goes to your blood.

[Cam Patterson]

Water goes to your blood, and then it gets redistributed by the water. Has a weird flow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I looked this up recently. It's creepy when you figure out.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, look. Look it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Redband has to do ca.

[Craig Baxter]

All right.

[Cam Patterson]

Very good. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cracking himself.

[William Montgomery]

Red band. Have you been doing better? I can't tell if you look okay or not, because now when I was doing real bad, I was wanting to make fun of you because I was not feeling good about myself. But now I feel so much better. Now I'm worried about her. You doing okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. All right, I'm back, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

About 90% of blood. Pressman. It's kind of a. It's kind of a tough question to ask. Google.

[Tyler Fisher]

See that delta plane that crashed yeah, because the day we saw each other at the airport was the day I got banned for life from Delta. And then now they're crashing all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How.

[Cam Patterson]

How do you explain that, Tyler?

[Tyler Fisher]

Well, just a little update.

[D Madness]

I'm a pilot now, if y' all didn't know that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, if you ate ice, where do

[Cam Patterson]

you think ice would go?

[D Madness]

Oh, my gosh.

[William Montgomery]

That's a really good question, right, B? I've never even thought about that. If I ate ice.

[D Madness]

Good question.

[William Montgomery]

I got to think about it. I don't really know. God. And, Tony, you would have been so proud of Cam. And Casey and I were. We were in our first Hollywood movie. Tony, you would have been very proud of us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Tell us more about that, William.

[William Montgomery]

I don't know. It was fun. It was not a lot of pressure. It was a pleasure to be with Cam and Casey. Not a lot of lines. So the pressure wasn't on. So we'll see.

[Cam Patterson]

I got.

[D Madness]

I kept up a lot.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, but you did good, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did good.

[D Madness]

We had three lines. It took four days because reading is hard. I don't know if y' all know that or not.

[Tyler Fisher]

What are they? Can you recite them?

[Redband]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if they.

[D Madness]

Can we do that?

[Ari Matty]

We?

[D Madness]

No.

[Redband]

No.

[William Montgomery]

It was kind of crazy. I was a little pissed that, literally, we were supposed to be there for seven hours. It was four days. Cam was not saying this correct.

[D Madness]

It was a word that would. Just kept me up, dog, y'.

[Cam Patterson]

All.

[William Montgomery]

Carpal tunnel.

[D Madness]

Yeah, carpal tunnel. A hard word.

[William Montgomery]

Cam couldn't say carpal tunnel.

[D Madness]

I could say carpal tunnel for man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's two words.

[D Madness]

Carpal tunnel is two words.

[Tyler Fisher]

It has a front and a back.

[D Madness]

I thought it was together. Two words.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Oh, I'm a dumb ass. All right, cool. Good to know.

[Cam Patterson]

Yes, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, John.

[D Madness]

Whoever says spell it, I kill your grandma. I swear to God.

[Tyler Fisher]

Spell Grandma.

[Yudmi Sharma]

I can spell grandma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is fun.

[D Madness]

T, A, R, A, M.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[D Madness]

Oh, G, A, R, A, D, M, A. Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grandma. No, that's my grandma.

[Tyler Fisher]

Grandma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Graham crackers.

[D Madness]

I might have been drinking a little bit. Y', all, man, life is good.

[Tyler Fisher]

Your grandma has carpal tunnel.

[D Madness]

I spell carpal tunnel.

[Redband]

You don't believe me?

[Cam Patterson]

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

[William Montgomery]

Wait.

[D Madness]

Two words, right?

[Tyler Fisher]

All the cash on the table.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, but we'll ignore this space. We'll just know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you matching it?

[Tyler Fisher]

Oh, he's out cashing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he definitely knows.

[Tyler Fisher]

He's out cashing me.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, John's in On this.

[William Montgomery]

Somehow Cam has thirty five dollar bills. Why do you have so many five dollar bills? I was like, holy. Was he a three hundred dollar bill?

[Tyler Fisher]

You go to a fat strip club or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[D Madness]

All right, listen. I got it. Carpal tunnel. Wait, so it's two words, right? All right, first one. Carpool.

[Cam Patterson]

Now I know that's the thing that you drive in when you have more

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

than one person in the car with.

[Cam Patterson]

I go to the carpool tunnel.

[D Madness]

I got it.

[Ari Matty]

Hold on.

[D Madness]

Here you go. C A R

[Guana]

Carpool.

[D Madness]

P. Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

H. No H. It's over.

[D Madness]

Lugerville.

[Cam Patterson]

It's over. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's no carful.

[Ari Matty]

Let me do.

[Cam Patterson]

I got.

[D Madness]

I got.

[Yudmi Sharma]

I got.

[D Madness]

Hold up. Give me a second.

[Tyler Fisher]

I got.

[D Madness]

I got.

[Tyler Fisher]

Here.

[Craig Baxter]

Go.

[D Madness]

C A R, P, A L. That's carpal. Yeah, that's one word. There you go.

[Redband]

Tunnel.

[D Madness]

Yeah, tunnel is easy.

[Cam Patterson]

Here.

[Longoria]

Go.

[Cam Patterson]

Sure.

[D Madness]

T, U N N you E L.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that it? Yeah, you have. Are you done guessing?

[D Madness]

I got the rest of it here.

[Redband]

Go.

[D Madness]

F U C K I G G. A carpal tunnel. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love a good old black spelling bee. I don't know what it is.

[Cam Patterson]

I just love it. Goes down easier than prune juice on a Monday evening. William, Anything else going on? Crazy you want to let us know about? You're repping the. The burn orange today?

[William Montgomery]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I'm starting to write. They had came out with the Boxcar Children. It was a bunch of books. I'm starting to write my first book and it's loosely based off the Boxcar Children.

[Chris Beskin]

Tony.

[William Montgomery]

That's what I've been spending a lot of my time doing. It's kind of like a children's book. I feel like I could maybe sell a lot more if it's for kids. So we'll see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to that.

[Cam Patterson]

How are your parents?

[William Montgomery]

Well, I just got a message from my mother that my dad's taking her to the emergency room right now. It's for the diverticulitis. I pray to God. Yeah, literally 10 minutes ago. Got the text message and my mom saying she loves all of us. And I'm just trying to think. I'm about to go on stage. At least wait till after I get off to tell me you're dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[William Montgomery]

But I think she's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I hope so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hope. We love Francis.

[Cam Patterson]

We love Larry. It's harder to look up where water

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

goes when it enters the body than you would think. Yeah, it's kind of rough. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Goes in your blood Crazy, right? And then gets back out again. Goes in through a thing, through like your intestines and then into your blood and then back out again.

[D Madness]

What sweat come from?

[Cam Patterson]

That's a. That's that too. Yeah. It's all. There's osmosis. There's a lot that goes into it.

[D Madness]

Osmosis Jones.

[Cam Patterson]

A lot of people don't know this, but I am A lot of people don't know this, but I am smarter than a Canadian doctor. So it's a thing that's going on in the world. A lot of people are asking, are you smarter than a Canadian doctor? And I am.

[William Montgomery]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A never go stop being smarter than a Canadian. There goes William montgomery. Expressvn separator price mix. Tyler Fisher.com Cam Patterson Patterson.com William Montgomery is on tour. Cam's on tour. Tyler is on a national tour. One more time for Tyler Fisher, everybody. Cam Patterson, everyone. The living legend is here. The drawing from Ryan je belt is in. Let's see what Chris rogers drew over there tonight. Oh, it's cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That looks just like him. That's what cam looks like. And the king of five dollar bills, Abe Lincoln would be proud if he could see his face on all those bills. He would be like, that's why I freed him.

[D Madness]

Happy black history month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whatever he just said, for sure. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red band. Check out sunsetstripatx.com secret show every Thursday. High ceilings, big lots of laps. They've got it all over there. And we love you. We are doing fun things. I'm all over the road kill, Tony.

[Cam Patterson]

Everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's all happening, people. We'll see you soon. Love you.

[Tyler Fisher]

Good night, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The sunset strip comedy club in austin, Texas is now over. Check out red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Cam Patterson]

SA.