Brian Redban (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it, Rat Tony. Let's go. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian Red Band is here, ladies and gentlemen. That's the best damn band in the land. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, zip recruiter and prize picks. This. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. You have made it. How about one more time for Matt Muhling here on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys behind me. This is D Madness, live in the flesh. Big Mike Michael Gonzalez, considered big and huge compared to many action figures around the world. And that there is huevos rancheros. Benito Santiago, Alhambra, no doubt about it, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa. They're called grooveline horns. A strangely American terminology for exactly the huevos and the rancheros that they have cooking inside of them. Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Whether you love true crime or comedy, celebrity interviews or news, you call the shots on what's in your podcast queue. And guess what? Now you can call them on your auto insurance too. With the name your price tool from Progressive. It works just the way it sounds. You tell Progressive how much you want to pay for car insurance and they'll show you coverage options that fit your budget. Get your quote today@progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Well, then, here we go. Two of my favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. One is of course, a legendary regular on this show. The other is truly one of the greatest guests in this show's history. He is an absolute superstar. Make some noise for both of them, everyone. It is Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, yeah, a whole episode. The very funny Tyler Fisher the great Cam Patterson. We're back, baby. They are on tour. Tyler Fisher dot com. Campatterson dot com. They've got websites. They're on the road, doing gigs, selling out everywhere they go. Hi, Cam. Well, so I got a website now. You got a whip. I love it. And it is. It's campatterson.com. you were able to secure it? Hell, yeah. You went your first couple years with no website? Well, they tried. They tried to charge me for it. They tried to charge me 2,000 for it. And we called him to a nice little dark room, and we got. We got the website out of them, so it's good. Every room is a dark room. When you and your people are Tyler Fisher, you know exactly what it means. This guy doing the Deion Sanders podcast in his spare time. I never get an invite for that. Tyler Fisher. What the hell's up, my man? I'm sorry. I thought. This is going to be rough. I just landed. I took a Delta flight here, and I'm still just getting reacquainted. You're upside down. You got. Yeah, it's all upside down now. So we're gonna have some fun tonight. 279 human beings signed up for this opportunity. Their names are in this bucket. Anything can happen. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that's their 60 seconds. And they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I let this public defender in the front row pick the first name. Tonight we're going to go wrangle that person. And, well, they get brought over from the bar across the street where we store all these comedians that are hoping and waiting that a human with a headset will walk over and say their name and whatever assigned fucking number. However they do this thing, we have one of the greatest comedians that we've ever known that it is part of the show. I don't know if he's. I guess he's a golden ticket winner. I don't really know. He's just like one of those outlier legends. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Cam's uncle. America's favorite uncle. This is the one and only here to get it started with a brand new minute. This is David Jolly. How y'all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico. Hell, yeah, y'all down with the President. Hell yeah. Trump, the realest nigga to ever do it on the last day of his presidency. Last time, he freed Kodak Black and Lil Wayne. Then he sent the goons into The Capitol building. They were hanging on chandeliers, ripping shit off the wall. I was like, damn, I'm glad these ain't black people. My credit score went up 12 points that day. Only thing I ain't like about when Trump was the president, I kept on getting these letters in the mail for, like, free trips on Carnival Cruise Line. All you can eat, chicken and shit. I was like, you ain't gonna get me like that. 45. I seen Roots. This is how we got over here the first time. I know what was gonna happen. I was gonna pull up to that Carnival Cruise Line. It was gonna be me and fortified Dominicans from San Antonio. You know, they love a goddamn deal. It was going to be a long, bearded white man named Boss. He was going to be like, all right, guys, everybody pick a shiki. Have a seat. We're going back to Wakanda. All right, thank you. Y'all been a whole bunch of fun, man. David Jolly. Yeah, yeah. And like that. It has. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah. I understood about 12 words. It seemed funny. Hell yeah, it was funny. Nobody fucking knows. I usually have a translator with me that took the night off. You know what I mean? That dirty slanging. That dirty. Stanking. Stanking. We call them stanking scallywag. Dirty foot. Yeah, dirty foot. Yeah, we all know those types. Yeah, like. Like white women from Kentucky. You know what I mean? Same. Because they got dirty feet. You know what I'm saying? They do. Their feet always dirty. They say it in the Bible. You know what I mean? They do he not wrong. You ain't know that. You read that part. What part of the Bible is that exactly? CLE Footish. White womanish. You ain't see hear that verse? I think we're reading different Bibles. Yeah, yeah. Called the E. Bible. Bonics. Hell yeah. You read the Bible. Oh, you don't read the Bible? You're a liberal. My bad. Who's that? Who, me? What? I don't know what none of that mean. I just like to say it. Do you know what a liberal? No, not at all. Not at all. I like to say go around calling people. Oh, that's it. That's. That's how I call a person. A gay man. It looks like I stormed the Capitol in a Tesla. What are you talking about, man? Yeah. Oh, we love the blacks. We love. We love the blacks so much. I love Donald Trump. See, they don't understand. Donald Trump was down with the Negroes in the 80s, you know what I'm saying? Real shit. They don't Know that. See, everybody want to throw Donald Trump underneath the bus. Donald Trump smoke weed out of blunts, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? He been down with the negroes, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. What the fuck going on? Tell us what's been going on in your life. Shit, man, I've been on. I've been on the road like the last three months with Cam. I have my thing going. I'll be with you. Kill is a kill, Tony. We just out here grinding, baby, you know? Yeah, but what else? I mean, that's shit. I've been fucking these hoes. Okay, let's talk about it. How the fuck don't sip of my delicious chocolate milk? I keep like $40 for a bitch, you know what I'm saying? It ain't really tricking. It's just. That's like light bill money or something, you know? I fuck old bitches now. Old bitches will let you tattoo ass up for $40. You know what I mean? You still pay them? Well, I mean, it's not paying. It's just like, here you go. It's not paying. It's like a donation. It's not required. It's like saying thank you for being a wonderful woman. It's like a tip. Like a. Like a tip. Like a gratuity. It's a gratuity. I think gratuity is the woman's name that you fucked in the first gratuity. Witty. Jenkins Head register in and out burger. Hell yeah. Okay. That theater. I believe so you and an old person, you can either understand what the hell you're saying. Oh, yeah, I speak old people. Yeah. What do you mean when you say that? Old people. I understand what they be saying because my grandmama was old and I used to have to watch her when I was like, 11. So I. I took. I paid close attention to what she was saying. And it's a different dialect. Like, can you give an example of. Oh, of like an old person like you and your grand. Like, what would your grandma say? Do you want me to play as grandma? Yeah. Oh, this is very exciting. I thought Cam was going to suggest it, but. So I can't get in trouble. Hey, man, I ain't mean nothing bad. My bad. I'm sorry. What that even mean? I thought we were friends. I thought you from New York. All New Yorkers. Liberals. Right. Well, that's. I got kicked out. That's why I'm here. Oh, you're right. You're right. Yeah. What the Is A liberal. I'm saying. I'm not calling you a homosexual. I'm just saying, like, you call it now. I'll prove it. Whoa. What time I was going on. Who sucking dick with me. Sucking dick? What's going on? Hey, no sucking dick up here, man. Yeah, man. Come on, man. Trump should make an executive order that we could say the N word once a month. At least. Once a month. Once a month, right. Get one out of the chair once a month. No, it's a free bastard. You gotta say it with joy, though. It's gotta be nicely. Well, no, no, wait a minute. We can't. No, no, we fucking. Are you gonna give the President, Donald Trump permission right now to do it? Like, $500? If I got $500. You. $500? Nigga, hell yeah. You could kick me in the dick for $500. I want. I want half a million, nigga. And you can do whatever you want for 500. This is Tyler Perry's Kill Tony. Welcome to the show. For those of you just joining us, we are live on BET right now. We got a couple Negronis here. We love them. Hey, that's a beer. That's an Italian beer. And not a beer. That's close. That's a. I thought that was a pastry. No, no, it's an Italian beer. And Negroni is an Italian beer. I thought it was, like, some bread. Some. That's not bread. Some bread. It's bread, right? Negroni. No, that's a. That's a. That's a. A. A canoli. A canoli. Canoli, everybody. Fun. Let's look up more Italian wor. The black people, what they think they. Hey, mama, to me. What is a rigatoni? No, that's a pasta. That's a very good. Okay. This is a lot of fun. Yeah, yeah. All right. Welcome to what time it is. I used to an Italian tight. Hell, yeah. Okay. She used to make them shits. That's how. I know what it is. We here for the. Hell, yeah. She. She got a big tip. Yes, she did. Big old. Okay, does anyone want to guess what a. What prego means? A pregnant. No, prego mean, like, traditional. Like mamma mia. Like, like, it's. It mean, like happy times. It means happy. It means, like, happy, like the sauce. The sauce. Yeah, I know it's the sauce, but it means, like, happy times. Like mamma mia. Like family. It's family. All of your answers are incorrect. It actually means welcome. That's what I'm saying. Like, mamma mia. You know what I Was saying, mamma mia. That's what they say. Mamma mia. Okay, ain't Mario Italian? Yeah, yeah, him and Luigi. Wasn't I supposed to say the N word is trump? No, no, no, no. Tyler, you got $500. You got 500,000. You can say whatever you want. You kick me in the ass, too. I swear you can for $500. Oh, man, we got to do better than this, man. I need them 500. All right, I got tens, and I got. All right, no, no, you can't say the N words. I got some Pepto Bismo. Oh, my goodness. One shade darker to purple, and they would chug that right now. It's a little too pink. What is bubble gum? What is bubble gum? Looking at bubble gum in a blender. This is black. I got. Look at this. My wallet. I got gum. What? Loose. A Magnum condom for some reason, just in case you need a quick disguise. You must be making water balloons. All right, back to Italian black translation game. What do you think a carbonara is? Oh, I know what that is. That's a. That's a. That's a dish. No, wait, hold on. Wait a second here. Cam was on to something. Yeah, it's a dish, and you put, like. You got, like, little bacon bits in it. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Cam Patterson type. Type. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Y'all. They was gonna do that, huh? All y'all. Ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's actually pancetta. It's not bacon. I hate to be a liberal, especially not. Don't get gender. What's a pancetta? What the is that? That's a. It's a fancier, fattier part. I, I, I don't. I, I could be wrong. It's a bacon. It's. It's very bacon ass. It's bacon. Better bacon. It's bacon. It's better bacon. Sure is. Bacon bits. You said bacon bits. Like the trademark brand shaker drive. I will close. He's putting. It's very controversial on this stage right now. Matt Muling is yelling about pancetta right now. He finally woke him up. We figured out what his passions are. Types of bacon. I would have guessed Red Band would be our senior bacon correspondent. It's actually old baloney in the hood. What? Old panetta. I don't know what you're talking about right now. Redban. No, panetta. Like sweet. It's kind of sweet. A little bit. There you go. Final. Final Italian word. Black translation. What? Gentlemen, what is a sh. Figotel. Oh, that's a That's a moly. You know what I mean? That's a jabroni. God. Hey, you mooly. That's not hit button. If you don't know if they're right or not. What it's like. Oh, that doesn't mean it's an. Say it again, say it again. A Figatel. Oh, yeah, that make that. That's a dickhead. Like a dickhead. It's a flaky Italian pastry. Ah, fuck, David, you're a legend. Way to get it started. Tonight, so much fun and like that it has begun. And now you might not know, but it's time for the fucking bucket, where absolutely anything can happen. We're gonna meet a real human being. All. Oh, there she is, the iconic Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa, what do you got there? It's coconut water I brought from home. Wow. Absolutely incredible. What do you got? Tequila. I love it. Brought to you by Pepto Bismol. This is Kill Tony, your first bucket pull of the night. Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Goes by the name of Remy Swice, Everyone, Remy Swice. Someone told me I looked like a retired skinhead. That's why I tell women I'm a veterinarian. South Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama take more Viagra than any other states in the union. Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, love their dick pills. Hey, they did say the south will rise again. If at first you don't secede. You can dust it off and try again. No. Even though I look like a racist white guy, I'm not a racist white guy. I'm a racist Arabic guy. Big difference. I don't know if y'all been watching the news, but it's my turn to be racist. Look at me. Look at me. I'm the N word. Now. I tell these guys before this show, always, I tell the guests the same thing. Whatever you do, don't be funny during someone else's minute, or else people at home are going to think that this comedian's doing good. And Tyler Fisher just can't help himself. The Pepto and. Okay. Remy, you're a psycho. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me back. Thanks for having me. You've been on before? Yeah, last year. Appreciate you having me up. Okay. All right. Jesus. What, are you on Adderall or something? No, not yet. Cam, what do you think about this? Who the fuck thought you was white, man? He looks like a flaky pastry. A little Italian, though. Yeah. Okay. So what are you, Remy? I'm Middle Eastern by descent. Both my folks Are from Jordan, but I was born and raised in Oklahoma City. Okay, we got it. Okay. Are they still there, your parents? Yeah, they are. Okay. What do they do in the Middle East? Oh, no, in Oklahoma. Oh, what made them. What? What made your Middle Eastern parents pick Oklahoma? That's a. That. There wasn't anybody to tell them what to do in Oklahoma. Okay. Are you familiar with large family politics? No. Oh, all right. I thought you were Italian. Well, no big deal, but what do you mean? Well, everybody loves to tell people what to do in a large family, right? And there wasn't any family in Oklahoma, so they'd start their own thing out there. Pretty cool. They used to sling rugs and tapestries out of the back of their truck. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool. So they moved to Chicago when they came to America, and then they would drive to LA and back through Route 66. Why would they drive when they could have just taken one of the carpets? Yeah, they've got this all backwards. Your people are known for this? Yeah, no, they stopped in Oklahoma City and it was pretty cool place, and there was an orthodox community there and very welcoming enough. Remy, how old are you? I'm 44 years old. 34. How long? 44. 44. Jesus Christ. That's a big difference. 44. How long have you been doing stand up hardcore? For about three years. When you say hardcore, what exactly do you mean? Is that a taste of the hardcore comedy that you've been doing now? The first time I got on stage to do open mic was 2006. Okay, red man, relax. Jesus. Okay. No idea why that sound effect should be there, but. Oh, because it's hardcore. Red band. So good. Okay, so you were doing it hardcore? Yeah. Yes. And then what happened? No, I messed around for a long time because, you know, life happens and I can't just do open mics growing up. So why. Why couldn't you do open mics? Mostly I was committed to a relationship or. Or a job, but about three years ago, I was able to fully immerse myself and start hitting it and getting to it. All right. There's a lot going on here, I guess. Okay, so what was the job that you were doing in which you couldn't do comedy as well? I helped run the family business. Well, it was the family business. We have a pita bakery and we had gyro shops in the mall growing up. So I grew up in a shopping mall in the 80s and 90s. PETA, gyros and carpets. Okay. Adds up. Yeah, we are very Close to a terrorist attack, ladies and gentlemen. So what do you do now? How do you make money now that you get to do comedy? So hardcore? I Uber. This is a great town to Uber in. So there it is. That is the trifecta, everybody. You know how much time you have to spend grinding, you know, these open mics and starting shows and producing little. Who are you yelling at? Laughing at my Uber job. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Well, I gotta sit next to the psychopaths. Yeah. I got a little knife here for just in case. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. What the fuck? That's a crazy thing to have. I thought Pepto Bismol was weird. He's like, I got a knife. Okay. I'm very small. It's dangerous. They got a sword. That knife is adorable. I get attacked all the time out there. It really is one of the cutest knives I've ever seen. What do you do? Butter your biscuits with that thing? Open up. Letters. Oh, my God. What is that? Kill somebody. Except for grapes. Whoa, look out for grapes. Yeah, I got my grapes. Someone need their garlic. Slice thin. Okay, so, Remy, tell us about your life. Like, what's been going on. You single? Yeah, yeah, actually trying to start a family. If anybody's unvaccinated out there and they want to start having kids, holler. I am. Wow. Hell yeah, Remy. Is that your pitch for the ladies I got? Yeah, when you're 44, you ain't got time to mess around. So you're, like, looking for a woman? Yeah, yeah. I got my aunt showing me girls from the old country, too. Yeah, man. This one girl, she's a real jihadi. Okay, There you go. You have a little joke book from last time. The small one. Yes, that is correct. That would be the one that you should have here. I'll cut it in half. What, you don't think I. All right, there he goes. Remy, Swiss, everybody on to the next one. This bucket pool is from the indoor inside. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Talk Space. 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Today, go to talkspace.comtonY and enter promo code SPACE80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's talkspace.com Tony promo code space80. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like all birds are skims, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand, and brilliant marketing. But an often overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling simple for millions of businesses. Business is Shopify. Red. Man, I love Shopify, Tony. Nobody does selling better than Shopify. Home of the number one checkout on the planet. Speaking of checkout, you should check it out. That's right, redbam, the not so secret secret shop pay, which boosts conversions up to 50, meaning way less carts going abandoned and more sales going. That's right. So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed, and everywhere in between. Because business is the one to grow. Grow with Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com kill Tony. All lowercase go to shopify.com kill Tony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com kill Tony. It could be one of you. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joshua Yellis. Joshua Yellis. Is that Joshua back there crossing over? Joshua, is that you back there? He's coming. Coming from the back. That's just a man urinating right there. Come on, Joshua, now's your time. Now, normally, people from the inside tend to not do good. It tends to be a lot of people that. I've always wanted to try this, and I wanted to see how it would go. I thought it would go better than that. But it could also be, you know, the next great talent. So make some noise one more time for Joshua Yelles. Ah, Jesus Christ. All right. Women argue like terrorists. They fight like terrorists. I'll give you an example. Every guy in this room knows what I'm talking about. You'll say something to your woman. You'll say something to your woman that means nothing to you, and she'll take it as a personal fucking attack against everything she believes in. You'll be sitting on the couch next to her that night, and you ask her. You can see that she's pissed. You'll say, honey, what's wrong? She'll say, nothing. It's fine. You know, she's fucking mad. An hour goes by. She's not ready yet because she's still putting the dynamite in the vest. She's not ready to blow up the fucking square yet. She's waiting till later in the night, right? You wait an hour. You say, honey, what's wrong? It's fine. She's still getting her pilot's license, fellas. She doesn't have her box cutter yet. She's not ready to hit the towers. As soon as your eyes are closing to go to sleep. She says, okay, okay, I'm gonna stop you, Joshua. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. That is such a specific story to you in your life. Yeah. You're, like, trying to make it relatable to everybody. Everybody's like, what the are you talking about? I'm trying. You know, you ever have your girls out there getting pilot's lessons and you're like, what is up with that? 911 was funnier than that. Yeah. God damn, dude. Wild, Joshua. Wild. Wild. Let's talk about it. You ever do stand up before? Never, dude. It was my first time on talking to the microphone. We. Everyone was trying to tell you. I had to stop people from trying to fix your set for you because we had already tried. Yeah. Talking down here. Right. That's not really how it works. It's like this. Yeah. There you go, dude. First time, picks up the sound. First time, can't hear you. Maybe that's a problem. No, dude. Yeah. That could easily be the problem. Shout out to Alexandria, I love you. We're getting married in May. Love you so much. You haven't even married your wife yet. This is crazy. Thought that's how that work. She's already my wife. To me. Is she with you tonight? She is not. Okay. No. Hopefully she'll be watching this. Yes, I get married tomorrow. No way, dude. Nice, dude. Yeah. You might want to knock it out. Get a prenup. When does this go? So, Joshua, what do you do for work? What exactly do you fix with a wrench? I'm a truck driver. My man. Perfect. Yeah. How do you like driving trucks? I fucking love it, dude. I love it. I'M keeping America alive. Me and all the truck drivers out there. Fuck yeah, man. Yeah. Very important job. Goddamn right. Tell us what it's like out there on the road. Tell us some tricks. What do you urinate into? What do you. How do you. Gatorade bottles, mostly. You know, sometimes a shitty bathroom with a hooker, you know? Right. Tell us a wild story from you being out there on the road. Honestly, man, I don't have a lot of crazy stories. I'm listening to Kill Tony, listening to podcasts, a lot of comedy. I don't know. Not a lot of crazy stories, no lot. Lizards. I'm not over the road, dude. Okay, give us an interesting fun fact about your life before we get you out of here and back to obscurity for absolute ever. Yeah. What do you do? Deliver. It looks like you deliver a frisbees or something. What do you deliver, dude? What is your load? What's your load? How we get gay so fast? How we get gay so fucking fast, man? I work for a crane company, so mostly counterweights for crane. Not that interesting. Sorry, guys. Okay, so, Joshua, most interesting fun fact about your life. You have an entire life to reference here. Before I let you go, this is your final question. What about your life? Anything? I found the most amazing woman in the entire world. Get the out of here. Oh, you get out. No joke, but go. Get out. Banished. Banished from thy kingdom. Oh. I'll tell you the most interesting that I've ever seen or had happen to me in my life is I met the most amazing. Kill yourself. I hope that cheat on you. All right, imagine if everybody did that, just signed up for the show and was like, I love my wife. I just came here to say that I listened to this show and I love my wife. What the man? Oh, man. All right, your next bucket bowl. Hopefully they want to do something in comedy one day. Make some noise for Billy Sherman, everybody. Here we go, Billy Sherman. What's up, everybody? Yeah. So I'm Puerto Rican, Portuguese, Native American, Middle Eastern, Italian, and Jewish. And if I was a woman, I would look exactly the same. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage. So, yeah, it's tough stuff being Puerto Rican and Jewish. Puerto Ricans are known for two things. They know how to dance and stab people. So please laugh at these jokes. I was driving down the street the other day, and I saw a sign that said, drive like your kids live here. So I drove away. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing because I was wasted. Yeah, My mom told me that if my son pees on me, it means that he loves me. So I figured I'd show my dad some love. And now I can't go back to the cemetery. Billy Sherman. Okay. How long you been on stand up, Billy? About ten plus years. Okay. Where at? I started in Honolulu. Hawaii. Okay. Do you still live there? No, I live here in Austin now. How long did you move here? I just moved here in September of last year. Okay. Congratulations. You fighter. Jiu Jitsu, what is it? Yeah, I just do Jiu Jitsu. And you've been doing it for a long time? Three years. How did your ear get so up? I did. I just. It's a. That is terrifying. Wow. It's a vagina on the side of my head. I just. I really love the sport, man. And I just. I love. Rub it up against. On people, you know. Tight. Wow, there's the clit. I'm trying to figure that out. There it is. You should teach a class on should. Damn. Billy. What do you do for work? I'm a property manager. Work for Jews. What kind of. What. What exactly is your, like, day to day work? Like? I just try to make sure no one gets evicted and. What do you mean you're trying to make sure no one gets just. I don't know. I just, like. I just deal with a lot of folks who live in apartment complexes and then there's people that are always doing drugs and I have to like, you can't do that here, man. I can't. What kind of drugs are they doing? Mostly meth. Yeah, a lot of meth. Wow. Lot of meth. Okay. What kind of car do you have, Billy? You are built very strangely, right? Yeah. You're like, I'm in my third trimester. Yeah, it's. I drive a car that looks like me. It's a 1999 Toyota Yaris. Kind of what I pictured. It looks just like me. So blue. That's a little gray. Are the side mirrors all mangled? Yes. Pull the flap up, Billy. You ever win in Jiu Jitsu? I've got maybe about 15 gold medals. Oh, wow. Holy. I said that. Yeah. Master's division, though. I'm 32, so I don't know. I'm an old guy. So. You're in the old guys. Old guy? Bit of an. Yeah. Okay. All right. What's your love life like right now? Nothing. Not really happening. Right. But yeah, I just got that. Yeah. A lot of black chicks. I like black women. You like black women? I like black ones. Like Brown, but Asian. Black. Yeah. Okay. Wow. I'm. Well, I'm Puerto Rican, so, you know, I'm. I got some melanin, you know, I mean. You got some what? I got some of that melanin. You got some melon. Watermelon. Yeah, looks like it. What is it that you prefer about black women over other women? What do you think it is? Black women are natural born lovers, very loyal, and they cook really good. And I like to eat, so that's important to me. Yeah. All those bacon bits. Billy, what else? Do you have any hobbies or anything besides stand up comedy and jiu jitsu? I do some Adderall occasionally. I like to get kind of tore up sometimes, and then. What do you mean by tore up? I just. I'll wear this shirt. This is actually my favorite shirt. I like to wear this. Yeah, this is my favorite shirt. I like to just do a lot of Adderall and just get blazed up and just have a good time with. You Smoke pot? No, I wouldn't do that. You know, like, I just drink. What is going on? I lost Shahir just a minute ago. Something's going on. I. I drink a lot and I do Adderall. Yeah. Okay, so how does that. How does that equal to blazed up? You smoke Adderall? No, I never snorted. I thought about doing it. I was. I've never done it yet. It's time for a new shirt. Did you think about that? Yeah. I gotta lose some weight first, man. I gotta. Then I could keep it. Yeah. Billy, it's a very tiny shirt. I don't think I would fit in it. It's struggling. It's unbelievable. You want to trade? I wouldn't mind it. Yeah, sure. I wonder if I could fit. Damn. I think you can eat. Yeah. You can do it. Yes, sir. Yeah, you could do it. Why not? Let's do it. Let him take some Pepto Bismol. Sell it, Right? Oh, wow. Yeah. Actually did do a shot of Pepto Bismol there. Oh, this is incredible. Look at all the layers on this Christmas ornament that we call Tyler Fisher, the Human Christmas ornament. And then we have what appears to be. This guy is literally. Oh, my goodness. Welcome to the all new Broadway musical. It's meatball and pasta. Oh, this is gonna be hilarious. This is the moment of truth right here. It turns out the shirt is huge on Tyler, by the way. A lot of space. Wow. Actually. Whoa. Incredible. It looks good. That looks better than your original shirt. Way better. Thank you. 40 bucks, by the way. Very good. Thank you. Red Band. How do you feel right now, Billy? I am. It almost fits better. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. This is the best. He look like a real illegal now. What the fuck, man? Yeah, Finish the wall. He could be the wall, frankly. You could be the wall. All those ethnicities just turned into Mexican real quick. Fast as though I got to get back to my construction job. I see. That is incredible. It took, like, 10 years off of you, too. You look like a little kid with facial hair. I'm ten pounds, though. I don't. I've got the gut. You weren't tricking anybody in this show, Billy. What do you like to eat? What? What? What? How does someone get so round? I really. I really like brisket. Yep. Yeah. I really like. I like meat. Wait a minute. Paul's. Yeah. That guy. Not that kind, but I love meat. I like. Me and pizzas and sushi and, you know. Wow. Red Band is hard as a rock right now. This is just everything he loves. Okay, Billy, congratulations. Fun times. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Thank you. He really wanted to catch it, and he did. He focused there, and he caught the joke book. Wow. That's my favorite dress. That's my favorite shirt. Yeah. Tyler's got a new favorite shirt. Does it smell? Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Yudmi Sharma. Yudmi Sharma. This looks like a. Oh, yeah. All right. Thank you. Thank you. How we doing tonight, folks? We good? All right. See, I was drunk in Vegas one time, and what I didn't know about Vegas is that you can't hail a cab anywhere on the Strip. It has to be, like, a hotel or one of these designated locations. I didn't know that. So I'm trying to hail a cab, and I'm thinking, they're not stopping because they're like, oh, we don't want this drunk idiot in our car. But finally, I was able to kind of hail one. And for whatever reason, my drunken mind was like, hey, go speak Spanish to this guy, because it'll be more amicable in giving you a ride. So I got to his car, and I was like, senor Jo. Deluxor y quesiro, por favor. And without missing a beat, he's like, rapido, cabron. I got in the car, we looked at each other and realized we're both Indian. Yeah. He's like, where do we go from here? And I was like, luxor. Luxor. Still four favor Four. I'm trying to enjoy the little things in life, like little titties. Man, I wish I had little titties. You ever go to give a woman a hug and you and her both realize at the same time you have bigger sister than her? Embarrassing for everybody. Thank you. Eudmi Sharma, this is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Do you always dress like an Indian magician? I don't know. Do you always look like a gay one? Oh my gody God. Me gay? Say. Just say gay. I love it. Unbelievable. What do you do for work? You'd me. Sharma, take a guess. Why don't you just answer the question? Fair enough. Fair enough. It's tech. I do tech. There you go. Oh, who. Who could have got. Absolutely. Cam Patterson. I thought he sold jewelry. That's what I thought. That was my guess. I thought he sold earrings and shit. Huh? Cause it's fucking earrings, dickhead. Look at his earrings. Look at it, folks. Dude, real cubic zirconium. You should pierce that guy's vagina with your earring, dude. So you'd me. Let's talk about it. How old are you? 37. 37. And you've been working tech pretty much your whole life? About six. Seven years. Okay. What exactly do you do in tech? So I tech support for the most part. Like there's work from home I do. Yeah. And so phone calls just come to like a second phone that you have and you help people. Usually zoom calls, but, you know. So you. Okay, it's first. I have a couple clients who. They need older clients, they need some, you know, stuff done. And I'm like, yeah, I got it. Do you Indian it up when you answer those calls? I try not to. I am here to assist you or whatever. Oh yeah. I've never heard the Indian accent before. Can you guys believe it? This might be. You know, this call may be recorded, but somehow still gay. It may be. It may be recorded for. I'll drop it down two octaves that you can stop thinking about my dick and for a second. You horny? Really? Don't make fun of Danil. Do not go to be good, but it's not nice. No. Very bad. No, that's my exit. That's it. That's all I got. You me. What's your love life like? I'm dating somebody. Yeah, you're dating someone. You did get Indian there for a second. Did you hear that D? Madness. Heard the Word. Gay five times in two minutes. So he has to take a break. He's famously homophobic. He goes back there and hits a punching bag when gates get mentioned on this show. So you'd me. What does your girl do for a living? Take a guess. She works in tech, too. Hospital. Hospital. Hospital. Nurse. She worked at local hospital. What does she do at the hospital? Nurse. She's a nurse. Okay. Did she ever bring any of her, like, drama home? You know what I mean? Like, oh, today there was a guy lost his arm or whatever. Sure, every now and again. Okay. Does anyone any one of those stories stand out to you? Not really, no. It's. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have anything that you do? Are Indians known for something? Hit it with that curry hammer, nigga. That's what I was gonna say. I got a couple moves, Tony. I don't want to show any of those to you, though. Are you gay? Incredible. It is unbelievable. I said I don't want to show anybody. Right. Because that would be gay. That would be gay. Can you describe them with words? What your, like, go to is in the bedroom. She's Indian as well. No, Latina. Whoa. Mostly into Latinas. Look at you. It's not super serious. So, ladies, I'll be outside. Okay? Wow. I love what the confidence that you have for a guy shaped like Indian Santa Claus. It is unbelievable. I wonder if I could fit in his shirt. There's some room. Get in here. Just keep trading shirts on me. Let's keep trading it. Do you think you could fit in this shirt? You can. I cannot. Come on, let's do it. Trade shirts with Tyler. I am not taking my shirt off. Come on. Come on. You. Me play the roof. No, of you. Every single one of you. Yud me. Come on. Look at him. Have some fun. He wants to play with you. Yeah, I don't think. Oh, and have his lip forever on the Internet? All of you. Yud's like, oh, oh, come on. How about a vest? Jacket? Switch? I'm calling tech support. We need a new comedian. We need a new comedian. This podcast may be recorded for your. These jokes may be recorded. Yudmy, tell us more about your life. What else are you into? What's fun about Yudme? You have any beauty? No. Okay. No. No worries. That's mostly just. I'm just doing comedy for the moment. Not an M. Huh? Yes, sir. Ud. Ud. Okay. Yeah. All right. Just doing comedy for the most part. I'm here in Austin. I'm an la comic Here for the week and did a couple shows and now I'm here. How long have you been doing stand up in la? Two and a half years. So the whole time in la? Yes. Are you from la? I am. Born and raised. Born in India, grew up in la. How old were you when you moved to la? Nine years old. Nine years old. What part of LA do you live in? West la. West la? By the beach at the airport. Culver City. Culver City. They know all about it. What do you love about Culver City? It's a location. It's pretty close to. Have you noticed anything about La Change in the past 10 years? There were a couple fires. I don't know if you guys heard about those. Those were interesting. Not exactly what I'm talking about. Unless you're talking about the police cars being on fire. Anything else that you've noticed about the culture? A lot of shit's changed, by the way. Yeah? Yeah. Like what? Well, I guess it got worse for a while after Covid got worse, and then it kind of. It's come. Come back up now, I think. Okay. Yeah, Crimes and like that, you know? You sure you're not in the Valley? It looks like you directed fat porn. Ah, well, listen, ladies, ladies, it's back to the ladies again. You a horny, huh, though? Ah, well, he really is. There's a lot of energy there. Where'd you meet this Latina that you found? Hinge. Okay. Do you go a lot on the dating sites? I try to go on a lot of dates. What's your go to? Move. Where do you like to take a girl on a date? Manhattan Beach. Oh, I got a place in Manhattan Beach. Go there first date and then do what you got to do. You. It's your place? No, no, a. Like a nice restaurant there. Okay. What kind of food is it exactly? Pasta, you know, Italian place. Okay. Yeah. Carbonar? Sure. Tight little schweigatel. You know what that is? A little Faguccini for Tony. Oh, you son of a. Got me again. Got me. Everyone. Remember when he was scared to take his shirt off because it was gonna exist on the Internet forever? Forever. And then I'd be known as the guy, the Indian Bert Kreischer forever. Yeah, no thanks. No dirt Kreischer. This is a little joke book, my friend. Congratulations. There goes Yudhi Sharma. Thank you. Let's. Let's juice up the room a little bit. You know, it's been kind of. We've been missing some energy in here. I think it's time that we bring in one of the greatest regulars in this show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, and an absolute anomaly. One of the. One of the. One of just the best on stage offstage. Cool as absolutely hilarious. Very soon, hopefully he, like us, will be an American citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari. Matty, what's up? Shut up. It's my time. So I've been trying to assimilate fit in to the American culture. I've been trying to listen to some of your music. Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift. What a pile of shit, huh? How is she famous? How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai. Who the fuck goes to these concerts? Jesus Christ. Isis, pull your shit together. Bomb the concert. How many letters do I have to write? You hate ISIS hates women and gay people. Dude, at a Taylor Swift concert. The homo persuent meter. You blow up a Taylor Swift concert, next day, perfect society. It's like children's music. No, I have a T shirt. What if you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift and I fuck you. I should go to prison because I'm clearly banging, I'm mentally challenged, retarded ass bitch. No wonder she's dating a football player. You know, only a man with ct. Those two retards at home. Thank you so much. That's my time. You're all great. There it is again. The one black power and the only you too, white Ari. Matthew, we love it. Hell yeah. There is no question everyone agrees with everything you just said, but really, who are like, they're sick in the head. There's people that are truly. Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine. Yep. And she ain't got no ass. Yes. No way. I don't get that either. No ass at all. No ass, no ass, no ass, no titty. Has there ever been. Has there ever been a female star that big? Like a musician that big that doesn't have the Nas? Exactly. When I was young, it was Britney Spears, British badass. I can hold you back. Madonna don't have no ass. Oh, right, man. Wow. Black man. Okay, I'd rather do. I'd rather do Adele. Adele? Yeah. You with Lizzo? Hell yeah. I'd rather do Lizzo than Taylor. The out of Lizzo now. Hell yeah. As long as I can find a hole. She got skinny a little bit. She's still big. But oh my God, she got. She got a little better. Like. Listen, you think she's skinny? She was fat before. She is morbidly obese. She look better now. Look out. Lizzo right now as fat as she was. Listen, show us a current picture of Lizzo back then. I will not tell nobody and I will tell somebody. You know what I'm saying? Lizzo talking about Liz. Lizzo redband is. He's trying to think of something mediocre to say so he doesn't even know what we're talking about. They would have to slingshot you into her. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. We're going together. Three of us. We'll go together. She look better now. Us three could Liz. Yeah, we can make it happen, baby. We all get on his shoulders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. That shirt's looking pretty good. Are he's that what he been stealing shirts all night? Shirts off. Is that the word? No, he'd be taking. I'm wearing some meth addicts. She's still thick as but you see that? Oh, with a vagina ear. You wouldn't even believe it. She can get oh I the out of Lizzo right now. Okay, y'all not with me. It looks like if someone dipped red band in milk chocolate. Dude, it's no crazy. Yeah, you're just thinking about how big she was before. Well, yeah, she got a little better. She is right here. Everybody, here she is. What I do to you? First thing you say is, Cam you. I ain't say Taylor's got no ass. Lizzo has no eyes. The world is crazy. Lizzo. Yeah, she's huge. All right, Maddie, what else is going on? We went to. We're doing some of those killers of kill Tonys, you know. Oh, I hung out with Cam's family. Dude. He's got a crazy. This is a crazy family, huh? Oh, yeah. His dad is so fun. I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work, huh? Dude, at one point we did the show. We did the show. We go to the green room and Cam just wants us second after. He said he just wants a second to sit down before he go out for the meet and greet. And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door and goes, cam, I gotta talk to you. Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting. Get on out there, make us some money. What the. You wilful red man. It is. I love it. Very true. It is your traditional. I guess it is indeed part of the culture. Much like having a big entourage, having a dad. If your black dad. What I'm one thing that I've learned and maybe this isn't Everybody, but just my own personal studies, is that if the black dad is present in the black young achieving artist life or athlete's life. And yes, it is a big F. Thanks for adding that in. That is Fox News contributor Tyler Fisher. But if they are in the young artist or athlete's successful life, they do tend to be the one that takes the check that kind of like. And deposits it and does everything. I asked him that day. He came up. Michael. What were you saying? Michael? He came to the. He came to the show last week with a whole Gucci outfit on. Well, and I was like, easy as 1, 2, 3. All right, all right, all right. I said, hey, where you getting all this money from? And he looked me in my face and said, my investment paid off. BlackRock. That's true. That's the way you can. That's the way when you're a black guy, you can get your dad to stick around. You gotta become a global superstar. He'll be around. You know what I'm saying? Oh, they'll show up. So funny. They will show up. I've had a couple black men pop into my life claiming to be my long lost father. Okay? Red man. Jesus Christ. The whip. Three times in a row. Crazy. It's crazy. That shirt is so red. It is a red shirt. I found it at a secondhand store in Schnectaddy. Schnectaddy. I went to. Yeah, Upstate New York. Didn't know New York is that big. You know, I was. Dude, dude, I was so excited to go to New York. In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know, just. And then we land in Schnecktaddy and Binghamton. Dude. I kept walking around Schnectedaddy asking for people. Which way is Statue of Liberty? Schnechtaddy. This country's big. Where the. Is Schneck the daddy yet? You haven't beat the chicken. Schnitzel. Schenectady. Oh, yeah. Schneck the daddy. Schnecketedaddy. Yeah. And then. Exactly pronounced Schnectaddy. But I like the way Ari says it, so we're gonna stick with it. But yeah, it's upstate New York. Not far from the Canadian border, probably right? Probably an hour. No idea. I turned on Google. Those proud Canadians over there. Is that the pop that I'm hearing? Nope. Perfect. All right, good. Is that by Rochester? Whoa, there they are. We found them. There's the upper upstate New York people that hate Rochester. Rochester. Oh, my God. The place is chaos. My stand on there Too Upstate New York, a highly debated topic. Is it worse than hell? A lot of people, he was bleak. Like, I asked a barista there, like a lady. I was like, so what do you. Because I was trying to figure out what the. What is it? And I was like, so, like, what do you do? Here she goes. Well, I'm the quarterback for the Buffalo Bills in the off season. I make coffee. Actually, the quarterback for the Bills is cool. Josh Allen. Huh? There you go. Not actually gay. Everybody, I know who Josh Allen is. And I did know what the bean was. All right, flag on the play. Lying by the homosexual. 15 yard penalty, third down. Yes. Okay, Red pan. A lot of Red Bull for you today, huh? Jesus, it's like Beethoven on a soundboard over here. You need both hands, red band. Anything else crazy, Ari, before we get back to this bucket? No, just been enjoying life. The fans are so good. You are always rock solid with your minutes. Absolutely incredible. You've done it again. Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you. Bye. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month. Required intro rate first 3 months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com still getting around to that fix on your car? You got this on ebay? You'll find millions of parts guaranteed to fit. Doesn't matter if it's a major engine repair or your first time swapping your windshield wipers. Ebay has that part you need ready to click perfectly into place for changes big and small, loud or quiet. Find all the parts you need at prices you'll love. Guaranteed to fit every time. But you already know that. EBay things people love. Eligible items only. Exclusion supply. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Craig Baxter, everybody. Craig Baxter. Here we go. Oh, hell yeah. Let's go. All right. Do I just go? I don't have to. You guys. How you doing? You guys, everybody from Austin. We got foreigners here. What do we got? Guy on the plane doesn't even follow comedies like this is the place to be. Then I get here, the odds are like 8 million to 1. To be on here. I'm from a small town, man. I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show. They don't even fit. They're, like, falling out of the front doors over there. What do we got here tonight? We got. How many single people? We got. We got a couple. How many married people? All right, one group has hope. That's cool. You guys. You ever. You ever see underwear in your trash? Skip work and file for divorce? My family left it down by the road. The neighbors are walking their dog, calling 911 about the bodies buried next door. You know, they're posting pics on Facebook like, hashtag graves next door. Hashtag milk carton. Kids, mystery solved. Hashtag time to move. I'm gonna cut you off there, Craig, before the bear steps in. Step on that red X over there. Get way over there where the. Where you should be. All right, welcome. Welcome. Welcome to the show. Craig, how are you? Great. How you doing? Great. It was an okay performance. Good News. I have 438 questions to ask you right now. All right, what do you got? I love it. You are in Incredible specimen. How old are you? Let's start there. 51. 51. How long have you been attempting stand up Comedy? About. Since 2013. 10 years. Okay. What. Where. Where have you been doing this? Under. Like, corporate parties or something like that? Is it some kind of. Where are you doing it at? Yeah, well, Erie, Penn. There's not much. I know it very well. Not far from where I was raised in Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, yeah? Yes. You know of Youngstown? Absolutely. About what is that? About an hour away? Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Okay. What do you do for work in Erie, pa? Quality control, Food industry. Wow. What exactly are you checking? I'm checking grape juice. I'm checking. Used to work with salt. All kinds of stuff. Oh, I don't know if you know this, but Cam is also a great juice. Quality control. I'm too drunk to respond to that right now. Tony, how you feel about that? You like black people? Oh, absolutely. Hell yeah. Yeah, why not? I like this guy a lot. What's the difference? He's killed a couple. It looks like you look like the accountant for a serial killer. It really is. Does it pay? I love it. I have a real look to you, Craig. I gotta know. I mean, there is no question. You live alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is no question. I've asked almost everyone, probably about. I would have to guess 70 to 80% of all the bucket pools. I've asked if they have any Hobbies. Now, I'm. I'm gonna get there, but I'm not asking yet. Let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a hobby, but you have hobbies. You are the kind of guy that has a room dedicated to something. The walls are covered in it. They're in collectible film. There's something going on here. Might be trains, might be cards. Thank you, Redband. Thank you for adding so deeply to this. Thank you. Thank you even more. But there is no question in my mind that you are a man of many hobbies. What are those hobbies? Cycling, cross country skiing, triathlons. A super athlete. I wouldn't have guessed that, actually. Are you the guy that was choking out the meatball jiu jitsu guy earlier? All right. Wow. So you're in good shape, huh? Well, yeah, I'm getting old, but yeah. Right. Absolutely. Well, some people are asking to take it off. This is a very wild show. Wow. How many of you guys think Craig and Tyler should trade shirts, huh? Let's do it. You want to try this one on? Yeah, let's. Let's do a little switcheroo. Tyler is tossing me the knife. This is absolutely incredible what's happening here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This shirt is going. What's gonna be funny is when Craig goes back across the street to the bar and runs into fucking Remy Swiss and is like, hey, where the hell did you get. That's my favorite shirt. Wow. Incredible. Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on. Honey, I shrunk my panel guest. This is incredible. Absolutely adorable. Tyler Fisher. Oh, my goodness. Wow. This is a full switcheroo. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Turn around. That's a. This is incredible. Incredible. Welcome to Bill and Ted's not so Excellent Adventure. Looks like Josh Potter. I don't even know which one's which now. This is incredible. At this point, somehow. Somehow, Craig Baxter looks young. Craig's one of the Craig's. Like that hot chick on a rom com, takes the glasses off, turns into a stud. I'm like, what, do you collect trains? He's like, I'm a triathlete. This is incredible. Crazy. You need to get the Lasik, bro. All right, band. Everyone settle down. Let's check in with Tyler Fisher here. I can't see. Dude, how do you kill those people? How do you kill those people, man? No wonder he's got to stay in shape. He's got a K. Get back here. Do you feel different in those glasses? Yeah, dude. I feel like I want to a kid like I want to myself. I can't even figure it out. It is incredible. There's no doubt about it. This does look like. Right. It's just. If you didn't have facial hair, I would call the police on this duo right now. Tyler, we can catch pedophiles. I'll be the kid. Go. Got him. Get them. Come on, get them. I can't see them. I can't see him. I can't fuck him if I can't see him. The kid from behind, the pedophile from the front. It is unbelievable. Wow. This just looks like pedophile Halloween costume. It's just in the. In the bag. You go, oh, shit. Tyler, come back over here. Keep the glasses. I want to talk to Craig without his glasses. Craig, are you aware that you literally look 30 years younger without the glasses on? You look like a human. Like a good, decent human being. You know, you'll probably enjoy this. The. The. The eye doctor, he said, I went in for Lasik. He said, I can't even fix this. He wasn't even. He said, I've been doing this 30 years. Nothing I can do now. What does it look like? What's the difference between glasses and. Oh. Oh. Scam. Patterson has arrived, everybody. Hey, yeah, give me your. Hey, give me that routing number, girl. I'll do your taxes for you. Don't worry about it. They said that look real good. It's whoopy right there. Look at his highlighted. What you say? Well, outside, really up. This is terrible. I could tell your eyes are bad, Craig, by the way that you buttoned your shirt. You came in. You came in with your shirt tucked in. Now you have the eighth button up on the fourth button down. This is incredible. I would lose the glass. You look fucking hot, man. Is that what I look like? No. Where are my single people? Come on, people. He also looks like Macaulay Culkin on meth. This is weird, man. It is. So let's talk about it. How bad is your vision? Can you drive without glass glasses? Can you into stuff? Yeah. So it's really bad, huh? How many fingers am I holding up? Real quick? How many fingers am I holding up? I think four, but that's just because I know you have a whole hand. I mean. Okay, let's try it again. How about now? I'm going two to four. That's a good guess. It is a very good. Oh, my God. What the. He's going. Holy. Jesus Christ, man. Yeah. This is crazy. Holy. She's blind, bro. Wow. You are halfway to D Madness land. Dude, that is unbelievable. You could be a Delta pilot. It could. I could. Yeah. I'm still banned from that airline, so. So, Craig, what is exactly going on with your love life? I gotta know. Like, you just haven't. What, are you into big booty Latinas or. Yeah, that's a good choice, actually. Maybe I should have gone to Miami. I thought Austin was the place, but, you know, I love this guy, man. I know. He is. He is fantastic. Are you on, like, the dating apps or something? Something. No, but that's one of my jokes. I was gonna do it, but I ran out of time. Go right ahead. Hey, you guys, you don't need to ask them if they're on the dating apps. Just do the joke. Are you get. Well, that's. That's the start of the joke. Okay, well, you can do it without you guys on eHarmony, Match.com or Tinder. I'm. I'm not a stalker. One in. One in four people has a profile. None of them here that's plausible. You know what I like about the dating apps? I like when women are honest. You know, when they're like, if you're married with kids and here to cheat, keep in mind, I'm a leper. That's a chick I want to hang out with. She's spunky. You know, you just use the word spunky nigga. It's 2025. You just said spunky nigga. Oh, my goodness. Wait, was that your impression of a black guy? That's. That's my. About to get an ass kicked as a white guy. We love it. We love it, we love it. So, Craig, like, tell me your last, like, date. What was that? Let's just go with the last one. Like, where was that? How does that go down? Where do you find this person? Turn your hat backwards so we could all see your face. Yeah, guy's hot. Be honest. It was like, hiking, and that didn't really go anywhere. Did she make it back from the hiking trip? I heard on Facebook she did. Okay, so your last one was a hike. Nothing happened there. How about the last time you got some action? Where do you find this innocent victim? In Erie? Have you seen the people in Erie, man? We got. We've got, like, depression, snow, and diabetes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's get back to but. Okay, yeah. The last time you got laid, when was that? Well, before my eyes went bad. I had contacts for a couple years. That was good. Let's go back to the question. Okay, let's try it again here. Last time you had intercourse with a living woman. Living woman. Okay. Yeah. And what. What about that? When was that ballpark year? Ten years? About three years. Okay. And so was that your girlfriend at the time or something like that? Yeah, well, friend from. From the sports. Okay. Yeah. All right. Good looking triathlete girl. Yeah, good looking triathlete girl. And do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Do you have any tricks that to please the ladies? Like the calculator or something like that? Boobs. Okay, I'm bothering. He does look like he would touch a boob and say boobs. Well. Cause you can't see him. Yeah, yeah. Those are my boobs. Craig, it's all about the tongue, okay? The tongue guy, Craig flipped a coin and answered correctly. You are correct. What is your trick with the tongue? What do you do? It's all about rhythm. It's all about. And let's see. Do you have any rhythm? Oh, my. Well, I was. I wasn't actually expecting that. When I said let's see, I was going to ask about rhythm. I didn't realize you. I was going to go, let's see. And you were going to start eating air over there. Well, you might be eating ear when that guy takes his shirt back. They setting you up right now. Take the glasses off and go to town on that guy's ear. He's gonna let you go up on him. He has a pussy for an ear. He has cauliflower ear. It's a whole thing. Okay. Man, Craig, you are such an interesting guy. I feel like I could talk to you forever. Fun times up here. You still live in Erie? Yes. And what made you come to Austin, Texas? Kill Tony. But I mean, you just came and you signed up. This is your first time signing up and. Yeah, I was just gonna do a bunch of comedy stuff. Get out of the snow. I love it. Perfect. And it worked out for you. Here's a big joke book. Craig, just because I love your interview, Andy caught the book. Absolutely incredible. Wait, let's. Hold on. Take out the glasses, and I'm gonna throw you one of these little joke books. And I want to see if you can catch it. I'm not gonna hit you in the face. I'm gonna leave it short, just so you know. I just want to see if you could do it. Ready? Yeah. Absolutely incredible. Here, Throw that back. You don't get to keep that one. You got a big one. I'll take that. The budget is. Keep the shirt. We'll keep the shirt. But I'll take the hat. Here's 10 bucks. Go buy a new shirt. I'll see you in the van. You have a new shirt. All is even. You got a new joke book. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Craig back. Take it easy. He had a fun time. No one needs to get murdered because he had a good time. We're all safe here tonight. Oh, you know he's having that time of his life. There's gonna be a grave rob tonight. Just a mutilated corpse of a woman being ravaged while his bare ass bounces up and down with never ending triathlete cardio. Just fucking a corpse all night long. That is a guy that never goes out of breath. And he can see police coming from six miles away. All right, your next bucket pole. Goes by the name of Kiwana Goanna, everybody. Gijuana perhaps. Guy wanna Gijuana it is inside. It doesn't say inside. Is this guana? Keep coming. Guana. Well, you saw how it went earlier with an inside bucket pull. I've tried to warn you. We will see how it goes again. Usually a fan that has seen the show and doesn't answer questions directly, very exciting stuff. But anything could happen. This could be a prodigy, everybody. It could truly be the next regular or golden ticket winner. This is Guana. So I recently found out that steroids make me manic. Have you ever woke up like in this corner, standing at 5 foot 11 equipped with retard strength? It's dropping cena. Cause I have. I accidentally cut my finger off in the process. Yep. That's okay. Now I can go $1 million. That's okay. I can go from the lower west side. When in doubt, pinky out. I hate this show. I hate it. We've been doing it too long. I think we beat the game. I think it's over, everybody. It's just. It's just wild. Wild. What's happening? Why you pop that ass this way? You got no ass at all, man. That. What is going on? That terrible dog. Taylor. Shifty over here. Hold up, guys. I just want to say I. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Relax, relax. Hold on. You have to. You scaring this young white lady. It takes time. Hold on. It takes time. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't cut the mic like that. And just talk whenever you want, okay? Tyler Fisher tonight. This might be the only shirt that actually fits me, okay? Guana. Am I saying that correctly? Yeah, it's the feminine version of batshit iguana crazy. This is insane. Person she is something else. Gu. How long have you gone by Guana? For quite a while now. Okay, so how many times have you been to prison? Well, I was once on accident. I was 17. I was in West Virginia, and the people I was with was a little crazy, so the jail was burnt down and they took us to prison. And I was too afraid to call my dad, so I stayed there for like three fucking weeks. What were the people that you were staying with doing? Cam, I think she escaped. I think she escaped. I don't think she posted Be Free. I think this is the same person. It's a mental patient, and we need to help her right now. Why did they send you to prison at 17? I literally would not call my dad. Right, right, right, right, right. But what was the offense that sent you? What did you do? What did the cops say that you. They said the dog hit for marijuana on my car, but they couldn't find it. But was it in there? Yeah. Okay, where was it? Dude? Okay, so like, I used to. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. See, that's. We're not doing that. I used to work Taco Bell. Okay, Okay, I will let you go. And I took the tray, and it, like, fit under my passenger seat of my car. So perfect, like under the tracks, that if you fell under it, it just felt like the bottom of your car. Life hack and that. Yeah. They didn't find it. Feel. People going to Taco Bell all around the country right now just so that they could hide their marijuana in an open cardboard box so that anybody can smell it, but you cannot for the life of you, find it. Facts. Facts indeed. It's not the box. It's like the tray that you get when you go eat inside. Got you. How about the second time you went to prison? No, there was no second time. No, that was it. Yeah. Okay. I thought you said. I thought. No. Well, I definitely been in jail. Okay. How about that? That's a. That's a great point. I am saying prison like a savage over here. I just assume you're at a full time prison, but what have you been to jail for? Let's name some more fun offenses here. They're not fun, though, okay? It's serious shit. Okay, well, I'm glad you learned your lesson for sure. Okay, what were. What were the offenses that sent you to jail? Yeah, well, I tried to kill myself. Okay, they put you to jail. Hold on. Okay. All right. Okay. Everyone relax. I told you, this escape, it's wild. Three sound effects at once. Why did you crash that plane in Toronto. Well, hold on. Okay. When did you try to kill yourself? In 2021. Okay, that's very recent. What happened? So long story short, I was like on a bunch of meds from the doctor, trying to get my mental health right. And my friend at the time, my best friend since like my whole entire life, she was trying to do the same thing, but she took her life. Gone. Your friend killed herself? Yeah, right, Gone. And we were like trying really hard to get her meds right. No matter what we did, it didn't work and she's gone. And like. And I couldn't handle it and I wasn't handling myself well. And I tried to do the same thing out of like not thinking correctly and got it. How did you try to do it? How did you try to kill yourself? So I took like 45 Xanax bars. No lie. Two less than tonight. And I like, I can overdose on this. I'm so small. What do you do for work now, guana? So I'm an artist. Okay. Well, like a really awesome artist. I love art. Yeah. Tattoo artist. I do art and okay, I doordash. Okay. You do what? Doordash. You do doordash? She don't got no pinky. But she a tattoo artist, people. Well, you're probably right handed. Right hand. Oh, okay. Okay. Look how big my hands are. First of all. Hey, whoa. I got working man hands. I can do a lot of shit with these girls. What's up? You also have working man's face. Guana, let's talk about it. Okay? We're having fun here. You could actually afford to lose half a finger. Yeah. Guana, let's go through the pinky slicing moment here. How did that happen? So I was using a chainsaw attachment on an edge grinder carving out a giant like tree stump that I got off this guy's property that he had out in the trash. And I took it to my house. It was like 8 million th, 000 pounds. And this guy was like here. And I like use a chainsaw and I cut it up in pieces and then I was like carving it out, making cool art. And I had glasses and everything. And it just hit a knot in the wood and slipped back and took it off. Okay. That was a long way to get there. Guana. Let's talk about it. What else do you do with your life when you're not doing art or everything? Then let's just rattle some things. I. I like to sing. I play guitar. I do. All right. What do you like to sing? Yeah, I do everything. And I did learn how to replay the guitar without my finger. You did? Yeah. Your finger's still longer than mine. And I got the full thing. That is incredible. Would you guys like to switch pinkies for the rest of the night? I would kill for a pinky. You should finger that guy's ear with that fucking pinky. Cauliflower here. This is hot. Well, tight as fuck. Yeah. You actually. Wow. That's incredible. Knowledge is power. Okay, wait. No. Okay. You were on the inside tonight. You've been at this. You've been to the show tonight. How did you end up here? I waited outside since, like, 3pm yeah. First standby tickets. And I went and signed up and I did all the things and I met all the people and I had a great, amazing, amazing, amazing time. Fun. Well, I'm glad that you had fun. Buana. How exciting. Here's a little joke book. Yeah. All right. We're having fun here tonight. There's a wild bunch, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know. There used to be. How about another hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right, everyone? My goodness. Saging the room after Guana was up here. Look at her hand reactivating our. I'm ready for my life to change. ABC Sundays. American Idol is all new. Give it your all. Good luck. Come out with a golden ticket. Let's hear it. This is a man's world. I've never seen anything like it. And a new chapter begins. We're going to Hollywood. Carrie Underwood joins Lionel Richie, Luke Bryant and Ryan Seacrest on American IDOL NEWS Sundays 87 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. All right, your next bucket poll goes. We still having fun out there? Make some noise for Chris Berlin, everybody. Chris Berlin. Here we go. You know who doesn't like sexism? Fat, ugly chicks. I watched this lady come out of a plant store carrying a giant bush. I said, I see you. She said, it's for my living room. I said, so is mine queen. My pronouns are G, F, Y and usa. Thank you. That's my time. Okay. Chris Berlin. That was funny. How you doing, Chris? Chris, stop fucking shaking Cam's hand. Cam, relax. Jesus Christ. Was this the handshake show? What the hell's going on over here? Chris, stand right there. Hello. How are you? I'm well, thank you. How long you been doing stand up? On and off since 2005. Okay. Why off? Sometimes I play music as well. What do you do musically? I play drums. You play drums? Oh, my God. Let's just wait A second here. Hold on, everybody. Buddy, hold on. Hold your horses, Tony. Listen, so it's interesting. From COVID I got Covid shots, and it did something to my shoulders. I've lost all momentum in my arms. Okay, Covid vaccines. Okay. Really? Yes. And he's got no fingers. Okay, everybody. No, I have fingers, but yep. All right. Okay. Okay, so are you being serious? I am dead. I'm dead serious. Did they shoot it in both shoulders? They did. Really? What made you get a second one? Well, no, no, no. And. And listen, so. So when I went for the vest. Are you with me? Is this like an MSNBC prank show where it's like, trick a. Trick a patriot? No, listen, listen. When I went to get the COVID shot, they also gave me some flu shot. They said, we're gonna split it up into two vaccines, put one in each arm, and I was like, like, that sounds smart. It was not. And probably like, 18 days later, I lost all momentum. Like, it debilitated. I, I. I was a big surfer. I mean, just. It changed my life. Wow. It changed my life. So you can't play the drums anymore? No. Wow, that is so sad. There you go. There's a little Mexican music. Just a. All right. So did you notice any other side effects, Chris, other than losing use of your shoulders? Probably? No. Okay, where do you live? Talk right into the tip of that microphone. I live in Austin now. Okay. When did you move here? I moved here in July. And where were you before this? San Francisco. San Francisco. I was gonna guess that I should have just done it. What do you do for work? I'm a creative director. Director. Creative directors. What are you creatively directing? I creatively direct a podcast, and I work for a gaming company. Okay. What do you do for the gaming company? I do live comms, so everything that comes out of the gaming company, I'm the. The mouthpiece. Okay, all right. The mouthpiece. What is that? What exactly do you mean by that? Well, I put on a show every day. We put out. I put out a daily show. You play games? No, I report the news. What kind of news? It's crypto news. Crypto news. Okay. How's that going for you? You making money in crypto? Dude, dude, cryptos. The best advice if you are a crypto trader is remove the firearms from your house. I'm telling you, like, crypto. Like, dude, I. They took my phone away, and in the last five minutes, it's gone down another 20%. Like, I'm. It's. It's. It's no bueno. It seems like a very shaky industry, right, Dude, I, I believe in it. I, I, I, I believe it. Why explain to us all why you believe in it. We very rarely talk about. Okay, and, and just, just super quick, so Solana, to me, Solana's amazing. And it's built for daps. Is this your little sister, Cam? Who's Solana? Exactly. We love Solana. That's one of the Destiny's children. It's so, so, Tony, the easiest, the easiest way that I can explain it is think of, think of Wells Fargo as a bank. That's a centralized application. If you want to send, let's say, money to Mexico, you have to go through a bank. You got to do my cleaning, lady. I give it to my cleaning, like, whatever it is, right? If, when, when you're dealing with crypto, it's person to person, there's no central organization, well, that seems trustworthy. How could that ever go wrong? Are you doing pump and dumps? Is that what you're doing? Like all that? No, no. What do you do? You just hope to get lucky? You just trust another human? No, we're building an ecosystem and. Okay, forget it. Chris, what do you do for fun? I'm a, I, I, I was a musician for my entire life. I'm a surfer, an artist. I paint. I do, I do all your arms. You, for a guy with shoulder injuries, you're moving around like a, like one of those inflatables that a used car lot. You're like, I lost use of my shoulders years ago. I can't play the drums. I can't surf. I can't do anything. Tony, I wish I could tell you more. You gotta meet with RFK Jr. I don't think you're vaccine injured. I think you're just retarded, you know? No, I hate to say it. I really hate as retarded aids. I really hate to say that. Sorry. Cheryl. Rfk, how do you feel about this? This is, this is exactly what you've been talking about. You and everyone else with common sense. It's about the vaccines. I'm not anti vax. I'm anti retardation. What do you think he should do? What are. Would you have any exercises? I would do a couple shots of Pepto Bismol and stop being such a. Yeah. Chris, have you tried playing the drum since this injury? No, I haven't. It kind of seems like you can. All right, let's go. Do you guys believe in miracles? Everybody, here's the joke. Drum solo from Chris Beskin. Oh, okay. Michael has a great idea. Very rarely do I take my band seriously at all, but I heard Michael's idea and it sounds fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the Black Blind Drum off, everybody. This young man, Chris Beskin, is going to do a drum solo. And then D Madness Blind is going to do a drum solo. Ladies and gentlemen, going first, this is Chris Beskin. If he wins this competition, he will have to lose his eyesight. Oh, fuck. Oh, by. He just fell over. Fun fact. That was not D Madness. That fell over. That was the guy with bad shoulders. And here is a drum solo from Chris Bas. Okay, it's okay. All right. It's okay. There he goes. Chris Beskin. Everybody wants to see the blind guy do it. Get up, Chris. Get up. Get up, Chris. Watch your head on the microphone there, Chris. Here he goes. You've never seen anything quite like it, ladies and gentlemen. This is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drum. Welcome to my little freak show that I call Kill Tony, everyone. D Madness getting into position, somehow nailing the landing better than Chris Beskin. He is in his seat. And ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only. Making some adjustments here. This is indeed D madness of the one. It, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter and prize picks proudly presents another episode of Kill Tony. That is D Madness, ladies and gentlemen, undisputed, undefeated, the grand champion of Kill Tony, the mack daddy of them all, laughing his ass off. He fucking loves it. Ass Having no shoulder. Having ass. Just talking the whole way to his seat, Joe Ass Shoulders. Chris, I'm sorry. Are you hurt over there? You look. Oh, my God. Now, people, the Internet's gonna be like, God damn it, Tony. Tony. And his ego made that innocent guy play drums. Now he's a victim. Tony hurt that guy while he was living his dreams. Are you okay, Chris? We're good, right? We're good. We're good. Okay, I'll give you an aspirin after this. Got some good Advil cooking up in the front here. So, Chris, tell us something else crazy about your life. You seem like an interesting guy. You seem smart and cool. I loved the set. I really did. I. I appreciate it. You know what? Life is crazy. No, no. Like, I mean. I mean, this is in, in, in in all earnest. Life is crazy. And there's ups and there's downs, and it's important. It's important. To keep going. And if you're chasing your dreams, remember that you're a disappointment to somebody. I love that. Chris, here's a big joke book. Thanks for coming on the show. Great stuff, great spirit, great energy. You're good, you're good, you're good. There goes Chris Beskin, everyone. Adorable. Another perfect example of big pharmas. Anyway, let's just keep it moving along here. This is a one word name. Those are usually very fun. Let's see what happens. Happens. Make some noise for Longoria, everyone. Longoria. So I was looking for parking just earlier before the show, and I stopped at the red light down on Trinity and I looked to my left and there were two gay guys kissing. And I thought to myself, good for them, good for them. I keep driving, right? I come to another red light out here, and again I look to my left, two lesbians kissing. And I think to myself, nice. Very nice. The light turns green and I keep driving and I come to another red light. And I really wish I was making this up, because right there, a good friend of mine, another comic by the name of Joe Filey, pulls up right up next to me on a Harley. And you know, it's a cool bike, but my guy is riding bitch, holding onto another guy's waist, and before I could even think, I was already. Hold on tight. You wouldn't want to fall, you fucking Longoria. Okay, fun. Good. How long you been with stand up? Exactly. A year. Exactly. We'll give or take. Exactly. You're a funny guy. How old are you? 32. 32. What do you do for work? I work with dogs. I'm a dog groomer. You're a dog groomer? Yes, sir. Incredible. You have any tricks to getting dogs to calm down or to stop barking working or anything? That's actually my specialty. Yeah, you're like the. You're like the little. The dog terrorist or something. Yeah, yeah, Poodle. I do call them a lot. And how do you. What is your secret to calming dogs down? Well, I have a mobile salon, so that helps a lot. Like dumb and dumber? Yeah, pretty much. Not as cool, though. And I just. I take my time and sometimes I don't really get anything done and I have to come back to them maybe like in a couple weeks or so. And. Well, I mean, these are very, like, very aggressive dogs that I work with. Like Today I had two dogs and I almost died like 50 times. They were like. What kind of dogs were they? They were Pyrenees. Great. I don't know, Matt. Muelling dog Aficionado Matt Muhling is cracking up over there. He reads It's a small breed. Matt says it's a very small breed. Is this true? Wait, I'm really high, so I might be thinking of the wrong breed. No, you're. You're. You're right. Matt's wrong. This dog is huge. Yeah, they're like 200. You pictured a Pekingese is the tiny dog. Yes, I got that, Mr. Me, Mr. Not know anything. Mr. Bean. I knew his Pekingese. I had a Pekingese once. Yeah, back in the day. So these dogs were huge. What were they trying to do to you? Did they think you were one of them? Yeah, pretty much. That's what I do. I kind of, like, integrate into the. You smoke a lot of pot? Yeah, after work. Got his shirt, man. It's badass glass. Yeah, it's a donkey with gold teeth. You 100 Mexican? Half Mexican and half Arab. Right. Boom. What's the Arab? Half Egyptian. Okay. And your mom is the Mexican? Dad's at the Egyptian. My mom's the Egyptian. My dad's Mexican. Where do they meet? How do they. How many kids do they have? Just me and my sister. Odd. So they still together? Yeah, they love each other. Some have. I mean, they're still together. Did they ever tell you how they. They ever tell you how they met, how that came to be? Not really. Mexican and an Egyptian. So interesting. What did do for work? He's a farmer. Wait, yeah. Yep. He's the Mexican. That would be the farmer. How about your mom? Does she have a job? She used to be a teacher. She does taxes and stuff like that. Yeah, that's Egyptian. That's an Egyptian thing. Okay. What do you do for fun when you're not taking care of the dogs and everything? Well, I mean, I have four dogs of my own, so I don't know, I just hang out with them and then I try to do comedy as much as I can, and that's about it. I don't really play many. What are the dogs names? What are the four dogs names? My dogs? Yeah, it's Bold, Gideon, Sadie, and Kolachi. Kolachi. Yeah, Kolachi. What do you think a kolache is, Cam? Oh, I know what that is. That's a. That's a pastry. Ain't him. That is a pastry. Yes. I'm getting caught in my pastry. I rattled off a lot of pastries. I'll be around the world now. I'll be seeing now. But I know what a kolache is. How do you spell it you. Yeah. See you. Oh, Ca. Okay. You have a girlfriend, Longoria? No. Okay. You. You go out on dates ever? Sometimes. You get girls back to your place? Are they overwhelmed? No, I have four dogs. That. Right. Your place is you and the dog? Yeah. It has to be their place. And it's a van. No, I forgot about that. It's a very nice apartment with a yard. Okay. All right. No girls allowed, though. No girls allowed. No. Right. It's like. It's a club. Okay. It's a boys club. What are the breeds of the dogs that you have? It's two terriers and then two shepherds mix. Okay. Like a husky. One's more of a husky and one's more of a German shepherd, and then a border terrier and like a West terrier. Okay, so it's like. You half terrorist. Yeah. All right. What's a fun fact about you or your life that would surprise us? I grew up playing hockey. Really? I'm a Mexican hockey player. Yeah, goalie. Really? Yeah. Wow. There's no walls, open ice. I am the one. Normally. Normally, your people avoid ice at all costs. Nice. All right. Well, nice. Longoria, fun times. I liked your jokes, man. I don't know what. I don't know what's. We have one, dude, but you do. You've been on before. Yeah, I was on. You just weren't wearing that. Yeah. No hat. No hat. What's under there? I'm curious to know. Up here. My hat. Wow. There it is. Incredible. All right, Longoria, thank you so much. There he goes again. Longoria, he's already got a big joke book. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we should put a ribbon on it. We've had a fun episode. We've had a blast. There's only one way to end an episode like this, if you ask me. And it is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show. Show an icon. A man who God himself says has a greater healing touch than him. A man who is known for not only discovering America, but figuring out that the Earth is round and that, all right, it is the Memphis Strangler. The vanilla gorilla. The big red machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. A white woman is suing a fertility clinic because she gave birth to a black baby. And weirdly enough, the exact opposite thing happened to my mother. When she saw me come out, she said, oh, hell no. North Korea has outlawed eating hot dogs. Apparently, real dogs were getting their feelings hurt. California Congressman Eric Swalwell, the guy who was fucking a Chinese spy, said Trump is responsible for the recent plane crashes. No, Eric, that would be Hillary Clinton. Hooters is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. They're trying to decide whether to file a chapter seven, a chapter 11, or a chapter 36 double D. Okay, that's my time. Ladies and gentlemen, take note that the. One of the best sets of the night came from the man who's done it more than anybody else hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times. Thank you so much, Tony. I'm feeling stronger than ever on the fucking row machine. I'm now up to 91 miles since February 3rd. I will say, you seem very present. There's a little bit of snap in your. In your step today. You seem rested. Yeah, I'm feeling really good. And I swore I would not even bring this up, but last time I was talking, I was having the issues with not being able to do. And now recently I've been drinking on prune juice, which is like a miracle drink. I've been drinking big cups of it and. Oh, my God, my stomach's hurting right now, Tony, from how much I have to shed. Wow. We have some Pepto Bismol if you'd like some. Where do you get this prune juice from at Randall's? Okay, that's a very specific answer. It's not. Not in the freezer, not in the fridge section. Just by the other juices. Right. And is it from concentrate or pure prune juice? Think pure prune juice, I think. I can't think of the brand. It doesn't really matter. How does it make you feel when you're on the toilet and the prune juice is shot? Shown mercy on you? Well, two days ago, Tony, I swear to God, with the. And I think I've said this all before at one point, but the how. How it was jettison out of my. It was making the loudest. Like, it sounded like a jet noise, Tony. And I'm holding one to the toilet. Can you do an impression of. Wow. Yeah, something like that. And I'm thinking, hold on. I've been drinking a bunch of water. Does. I thought water comes out from your kid. From your, what, bladder? I'm thinking, how's all this liquid in my colon or my bud area? So that part I didn't understand. Because when you drink water, isn't that in your. It's like your front part, right? Well, is it. So if you drink a bunch of water and you pee. Because it's coming. It's in your front part. But is it the colon or whatever in your back Part. So do you think the food goes in, into the back and the liquid goes to the front, you think? That's what I was thinking about. That's what I think my conclusion was coming to. Is it not two different places? Well, the prune juice is a liquid, right? Yep. And then you have your club soda that you love so much to drink. Yeah, there's a lot of that. And then there's the water that you drink when you're working out, right? Yes. Now that you're rowing. Yep. So there's a lot of liquid. So it would make sense that it was. Okay. It actually goes in your blood. The liquid goes in your blood and then it gets redistributed. Yeah, it goes in and then it goes to your blood. Water goes to your blood and then it gets redistributed by the water. Has a weird flow. I looked this up recently. It's creepy when you figure out. Yeah, look. Look it up. Oh, Redban has to do ca. All right. Very good. Yes. Cracking himself. Red band. Have you been doing better? I can't tell if you look okay or not because now when I was doing real bad, I was wanting to make fun of you because I was not feeling good about myself. But now I feel so much better. Now I'm worried about her. You doing okay? Okay. Yes. All right, I'm back, everybody. About 90% of bloodbath. It's kind of a tough question to ask. Fucking Google. See that Delta plane that crashed? Yeah. Because the day we saw each other at the airport was the day I got banned for life from Delta. And then now they're crashing all the time. How do you explain that? Tyler, just a little update. I'm a pilot now, if y'all didn't know that. William, if you ate ice, where do you think ice would go? Oh, my gosh. That's a really good question. Redbay. I've never even thought about that. If I ate ice. Good question. I gotta think about it. I don't really know. God, and Tony, you would have been so proud of Cam and Casey and I. We were in our first. First Hollywood movie. Tony, you would have been very proud of us. Yeah. Tell us more about that, William. I don't know. It was fun. It was not a lot of pressure. It was a pleasure to be with Cam and Casey. Not a lot of lines. So the pressure wasn't on. So we'll see. I got up a lot. Yeah, but you did good, though. You did good. We had three lines. It took four days because reading is Hard. I don't know if y'all know that or not. What are they? Can you recite them? I don't know. I don't know if they. Can we do that? We. I don't know. It was kind of crazy. I was a little pissed that literally we were supposed to be there for seven hours. It was four days. Cam was not saying this correctly. It was a word that would. Just kept me up, dog, y'all. Carpal tunnel. Carpal tunnel. A hard word. Cam couldn't say carpal tunnel. I could say carpal tunnel. Tunnel for book, man. It's two words. Carpal tunnel is two words. It has a front and a back. I thought it was together. Two words. Yeah. Oh, I'm a dumb ass. All right, cool. Good to know. Yes. Thank you, John. Whoever said spell it, I kill your grandma. I swear to God. Spell Grandma. I can spell grandma. This is fun. T, A, R, A, M. Oh, my God. Oh, D, A, R, A, D, M, A. Yep. Grandma. No, that's my grandma. Grandma. Graham crackers. I might have been drinking a little bit. Y'all, man, life is good. Your grandma has carpal tunnel. I spell carpal tunnel. You don't believe me? Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. All the cash on the table. Yeah, but we'll ignore this space. We'll just know. Are you matching it? Oh, he's out cashing. Oh, he definitely knows he's out cashing me. Oh, John's in on this somehow. Cam has 35 dollar bills. Why do you have so many? Five dollar bill bill? I was like, holy. Was he of $300 bills? You going to a fat strip club or something? Yes. All right, listen, I got it. Carpal tunnel. Wait, so it's two words, right? All right, first one, carpal. Now, I know that's the thing that you drive in when you have more than one person in the car with you. I go to the car pool. Tunnel. I got it. Hold up. Here you go. C. Carpool. P. Yep. H. No H. It's over. Lugerville. It's over. What? There's no carful. Let me do. I got, I got, I got. Hold on. Give me something. I got, I got. Here, go. C, A, R, P, A, L. That's carpal. Yeah, that's one word. There you go. Tunnel. Yeah, tunnel is easy. Here, go. Sure. T, U, N, N. Fuck you, bitch. E L. Is that it? You have. Are you done guessing? I got the rest of here. Go. F, U, C, K, I, G, G. A carpal tunnel. Hell, yeah. I love a good Old black spelling bee. I don't know what it is. I just love it. Goes down easier than prune juice on a Monday evening. William, anything else going on? On crazy you want to let us know about? You're repping the. The burn orange today? Just. Yeah. I'm starting to write. They had came out with the Boxcar Children. It was a bunch of books. I'm starting to write my first book, and it's loosely based off the Boxcar Children. Tony. That's what I've been spending a lot of my time doing. It's kind of like a children's book. I feel like I could maybe sell a lot more if it's for kids, so we'll see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to that. How are your parents? Well, I just got a message from my mother that my dad's taking her to the emergency room right now. It's for the diverticulitis. I pray to God. Yeah, literally 10 minutes ago. Got the text message and my mom saying she loves all of us. And I'm just trying to think. I'm about to go on stage. At least wait till after I get off to tell me you're dying. No, But I think she's okay. Yeah, I hope so. I hope. We love Francis. We love Larry. It's harder to look up where water goes when it enters the body than you would think. Yeah, it's kind of rough. Yeah. Goes in your blood. Crazy, right? And then gets back out again. Goes in through a thing, through your. Like, your intestines, and then into your blood and then back out again. Where sweat come from. That's a. That's that, too. Yeah. It's all. There's osmosis. There's a lot that goes into it. Osmosis Jones. A lot of people don't know this, but I am. A lot of people don't know this, but I am smarter than a Canadian doctor. So it's a thing that's going on in the world. A lot of people are asking, are you smarter than a Canadian doctor? And I am. What the. Tony A. Never go Stop being smarter than a Canadian. There goes William Montgomery Express CBS Price Fix. Tyler Fisher.com Cam Patterson. Patterson.com. william Montgomery is on tour. Cam's on tour. Tyler is on a national tour. One more time for Tyler Fisher, everybody. Cam Patterson, everyone. The living legend is here. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh, it's Cam Patterson. Look at that. That looks just like him. That's what Cam looks like. And the king of five dollar bills, Abe Lincoln would be proud. If he could see his face on all those bills. He would be like, that's why I freed him. Happy Black History Month. Whatever he just said, for sure. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip atx.com secret show every Thursday. High ceilings, big lots laps. They've got it all over there. And we love you. We are doing fun things. I'm all over the road. Kill Tony. Everything. It's all happening, people. We'll see you soon. Love you. Good night, guys. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.