#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON

Summary

Kill Tony #711 – Andrew Schulz + Deric Poston

Date: March 18, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Andrew Schulz, Deric Poston
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-Host: Brian Redban
Regulars/Band: William Montgomery, Cam Patterson, Ari Matti, Jet Ski Johnson, Matt Muhling, John D, D Madness, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Big Mike Michael Gonzalez

---

Episode Overview

This high-energy Kill Tony episode brings together a powerhouse panel featuring Andrew Schulz (with his latest Netflix special "Life") and Deric Poston ("Don't Tell Comedy" special coming April 16th). The show delivers the signature format: stand-up hopefuls, irreverent interviews, and sharp banter from the hosts, guests, and the unpredictable band at the Comedy Mothership. Regulars and newcomers alike put their comedic chops on display, with Tony, Redban, and guests expertly riffing on sets, life stories, and everything in between—resulting in hilarious moments and unexpected vulnerability.

---

Key Discussion Points & Recurring Themes

1. Opening & Welcome [00:00–05:40]

• Tony and Redban hype upcoming tour dates and major arena shows.
• Introduction of special guests Andrew Schulz and Deric Poston, plus the all-star house band.
• Tony sets the tone for a "wild night," emphasizing the rare gathering of favorite comedians from LA/NY in Austin.

---

2. Featured Regular: Ari Matti – “No Porn in Texas” [07:27–18:02]

• Set highlights: Ari (the "Estonian Assassin") jokes about Texas' porn restrictions, his friends’ VPN advice, and the absurdity of age verification.
• Tech/Porn Banter: Discussion on oddball workarounds for porn in Texas, janky porn sites, and teen nostalgia ("I'm like 15 again. I jack off to gifs on Twitter…All I need is three pictures." – Ari, [10:24])
• Ukraine as “Porn Capital”: Ari notes most porn stars/webcam girls are Ukrainian/Romanian, leading to riffs on economic reasons and adult industry demographics.
• Sexual Preferences/Banter: Playful grilling from Schulz and Tony about Ari’s porn tastes, including the classic "Are you gay?" exchange and use of imagination in interracial scenarios.
• Notable Ari quote:
  "Now I can’t cum without Joe Rogan yelling."
  — Ari Matti, [11:03]

---

3. Comedians from the Bucket – Stand-Up & Interviews

A. Jovan Afzali [18:53–25:34]

• Set: "Gold diggers," made-up girlfriends, and odd sexual/food combos.
• Interview:
  • Afghani/white heritage, chef’s pants called out; comic has been a line cook for five years.
  • Talks about dancing to Indian trap music and grumpy Asian women as his "type."
  • Shares that his father suspects he's gay, paralleling Tony’s own stories.
• Memorable banter:
  "Dress for the job you want. Am I right?" – Jovan, [22:37]

B. Sammy Blumenthal [26:03–43:39]

• Set: New "mom" (dog owner), Jewish heritage jokes (grandpa’s name as a number), dog behavior likened to sexual relationships.
• Interview/Post-Set:
  • Sammy’s career as a dietitian, focus on body image over weight loss ("Our clothes are meant to fit our body" – [30:04]).
  • Extended, hilariously honest exploration of her relationships: reveals a story about attempting intimacy with a woman for the first time, complete with accidental vomiting ("I did, I did do that. I think." – [35:54]).
  • The room cracks up as she recounts the awkward step-by-step, checks in with her partner, and the accidental "eating out disorder" pun.
• Memorable quote:
  "I think I'm a little gayer than I realized." – Sammy, [33:56]
  "So you went down on a girl and you threw up?" – Tony, [35:41]

C. Will Hunsinger [45:06–52:49]

• Set: Black serial killers, Silence of the Lambs with a "cocoa butter in the basket" riff.
• Interview:
  • Aerospace engineer for the government ("I used to work for a company that made jet engines" – Will, [47:06]), Jiu Jitsu hobbyist, crazy Vegas stories and a mushroom trip gone wrong (Spirit guide on shrooms ends up punching his friend and getting tackled).
  • Anecdotes about sexual mishaps and cautious take on relationships.
• Memorable moment:
  "I was supposed to be the spirit guide for my buddies." – Will, [50:42]

D. Brian Smith [55:10–68:21]

• Set: Edgy jokes on race, Michael Jackson, and the Three-Fifths Compromise.
• Interview:
  • Self-deprecating banter about appearance, recent firing from T-Mobile for "Get AIDS" prank, and financial precariousness ("$1,400 in the nest egg" – [61:29]).
  • Recently ended a relationship, drinks heavily, prefers larger women.
  • Honest and hilarious about being on a bender; Tony offers a joke book for a potential "suicide note."
• Notable exchange:
  Tony: "Are you happy right now?"
  Brian: "Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I’m loving it." [68:21]

---

4. Regular Spotlight: Cam Patterson [69:25–76:12]

• Set: Psychological origins of cucks, black men in cuckold scenarios, and his dad’s unusual encouragement.
• Interview/Banter:
  • Father urges him to participate in cuckold arrangements ("My dad want me to...he always be like, ‘nigga, you weak...’" – Cam, [71:26])
  • Cam’s first sighting of a "red dot” Indian in Canada, never having seen one in Orlando ("I’ve seen the one...the regular that did it. I’ve seen them. We got a sign. I’ve not seen before." – Cam, [73:51])
  • Candid on life experiences and cultural blindspots.

---

5. More Bucket Comics: Jokes, Life, and Roasting

A. Matt Gonzalez [76:46–84:57]

• Set: Black athletes in new sports, WNBA audience jokes, “Why are all dildos circumcised?”
• Interview: Mechanical designer, known as "hammock" guy—he sleeps in a hammock at his grandpa's house for two years ("Usually the reaction is like, ‘Alright, I can make this work.’" – [83:38]), self-deprecating, clever, gets invited to do more shows. Lots of hammock puns and riffs.

B. Peter Gonzalez [87:52–97:31]

• Set: San Antonio background, white homeless in Austin, remembering the Alamo.
• Interview:
  • Office Depot employee ("I sell green card paper to Mexicans" – [93:03]), played soccer with deported teammates.
  • Earnest and awkward, but draws praise from Schulz for having "an interesting energy."
  • Relationship recounts, blown engine, not a “typical” Mexican ("Can’t speak Spanish, can’t fix cars, can’t clean shit..." – Peter, [95:44]).

C. Tyler Langloy [98:07–107:54]

• Set: Serial killer vibes, girls who love murderers ("Ted Bundy murdered women and then had sex with their bodies. And they saw his picture in the newspaper and they were like, ‘I can fix him.’" – Tyler, [98:57]).
• Interview: Pizza guy from Jersey, lost 200+ pounds, "basement energy," reads his restaurant’s worst Yelp reviews with Tony.
• Funny moment:
  "You lost weight...all out of your ass?"
  — Tony to Tyler, [101:44]

D. Vinnie Rauchi [108:31–116:58]

• Set: Races as contagious "illnesses," Othemspic joke, rapid-fire ethnic punchlines.
• Interview: Maintenance tech, first time sex at 28 with a hooker in Amsterdam, hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time, admits to only having 10–15 partners at most, plays up funny physical quirks (no neck, long arms), honest and vulnerable.
• Memorable string: Andrew: "So you had sex with five girls in '96...over the next 30 years, you had sex with five more?"
  Vinnie: "Six or seven...honestly, yeah." [113:56]

---

6. Regular Headliner: William Montgomery [117:45–128:18]

• Set: Kamala Harris/Harriet the Spy/Behind the Music/Osama bin Laden skateboarding jokes.
• Interview:
  • Life update: car impounded, $800 in the hole, addicted to rowing, details odd past addictions ranging from raisin bread and prune juice to puzzles and whippets.
  • Tony and William riff on rowing goals ("Now I want to get across the Atlantic...that's my goal." – William, [127:37]) and the physical impossibility of Redban rollerblading.
  • Notable exchanges:
    "Now I want to get across the Atlantic...that's my goal." – William, [127:37]

---

Notable Quotes / Moments

• "Now I can’t cum without Joe Rogan yelling." — Ari Matti, [11:03]
• "I think I'm a little gayer than I realized." — Sammy Blumenthal, [33:56]
• "Our clothes are meant to fit our body, not the other way around." — Sammy Blumenthal, [30:04]
• "I was supposed to be the spirit guide for my buddies." — Will Hunsinger, [50:42]
• "Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it." — Brian Smith, [68:21]
• "You lost weight...all out of your ass?" — Tony Hinchcliffe to Tyler, [101:44]
• Andrew Schulz’ career encouragement:
  "You’re going to be good. There’s something about you…keep at it." — Andrew to Peter Gonzalez, [89:22]

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamps | |-----------------------------------|--------------------| | Ari Matti (“No Porn in Texas”) | [07:27–18:02] | | Jovan Afzali | [18:53–25:34] | | Sammy Blumenthal’s interview | [26:03–43:39] | | Will Hunsinger | [45:06–52:49] | | Brian Smith (fired from T-Mobile) | [55:10–68:21] | | Cam Patterson (Regular) | [69:25–76:12] | | Matt Gonzalez (hammock!) | [76:46–84:57] | | Peter Gonzalez (The Alamo) | [87:52–97:31] | | Tyler Langloy (pizza guy, reviews)| [98:07–107:54] | | Vinnie Rauchi (hooker at 28) | [108:31–116:58] | | William Montgomery (headliner) | [117:45–128:18] |

---

Tone & Notable Running Gags

• Wild, unfiltered comedy: The show delights in going too far, then riffing on their own discomfort ("This is more confession than joke" — Tony).
• Sexual/relationship revelations: Multiple comics open up about relationships, sexual mishaps, or true confessions—often leading to group psychoanalysis.
• Audience engagement: Guests (notably Andrew Schulz) directly address and encourage performers, sometimes roasting but also uplifting.
• Inside references: Longtime fans (and regulars) enjoy callbacks to hammock-sleeping, row addiction, weird porn workarounds, and more.

---

Conclusion

Kill Tony #711 is classic live comedy chaos—refreshingly honest, occasionally uncomfortable, and always fast on its feet. With high-profile guests, a blitz of bucket comics, and regulars revealing just as much vulnerability as they do jokes, the episode is both raucously funny and sneakily heartfelt.

Must-see segments: Ari Matti's "no porn" routine, Sammy’s viral lesbian story, Schulz’s mentorship of new comics, and William Montgomery’s bizarrely beautiful closing set.

---

Transcript

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'. All. The number one live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, night two of Nashville, sold out. But you can still get tickets for night one, April 4th. There is also the London O2 Arena. Massive mass, massive arena. It's our only show in Europe that is. June 7th. I'm doing standup comedy in some arenas like the Maverick center just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah. April 18, Reno, Nevada. The Grand Theater, the Honda center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the west coast to do standup in a legendary arena like that in Anaheim. May 9th. Resorts World in Las Vegas. May 10th. Announcing this Week Week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun. I'm doing Stand up on July 11th, Edmonton, Canada. July 18th, Vancouver. September 14th. And if you're a wrestling fan, I will be hosting the roast of WrestleMania Sunday night four, 20 after night two of WrestleMania right there in Vegas. Huge guests, huge surprises. Make sure you check out the Sunset Strip Comedy club on six Street. And of course, the comedy mothership shows will be going on sale soon for another big Monday release. We love you, God bless America. Enjoy the show. Hey, this is Redneck coming live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's crap. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yes. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And how loud can this place get for the best damn band in all the fucking land. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums, a legend of the show. Joining us on trumpet, the Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson.

[William Montgomery]

Rum, Rum, Rum, Rum, Rum, Rum, Rum, rum, rum, rum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great Matt Muhling is on the electric guitar. John Dee's on the keys. And that is indeed live in the flesh, the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, my God, we are gonna have so much fun tonight. Before it gets started, here's a little Bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, you're in for a treat. Luckily, I book this show and every single week I have two of the funniest human beings in the world. On this week is an extra special one because we don't always get to see our dear, dear brothers from the other places. New York, Los Angeles, as much as we'd like, especially the few that we really love from New York and Los Angeles. Ladies and gentlemen, two of my dear brothers, two of the most sad, successful comedians out there. One has the newest special on Netflix, it's called Life. Your guests tonight are Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston. Oh, my God. Yes. Live in the flesh. Make some fucking noise for Andrew Schultz and Derek, posted here in Austin, Texas. Schultze. With the newest special on Netflix, it's called Life. Derek has a new special on don't tell comedy coming April 16th. This is very, very exciting to have you guys. You've been on this show before. Derek's my homie. From the green room here in the mothership, taking over Austin, Texas, one of the funniest people in the world. Say hi, Derek. That applause was for me, I'm sure. I'm sure all of that was for your boy.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You white. Let's party. And the great and powerful Andrew Schultz.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hello, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back on this show. First time back since Madison Square Garden.

[Peter Gonzalez]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what type party we're having here. And life is good. You guys have been on this show before. You know what's going on. Over 270 souls signed up for the opportunity to get picked out of this bucket. I'm gonna have this guy with pubes for a beard. Wow. Right off the fucking top. What a simple man. You are just the first thing. Ooh, that's a weird looking name. This will be fun while we go wrangle that person. And you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds, you know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear while they go wrangle that person from across the street. We are going to start the show with one of our greatest regulars in the history of kill, Tony. Is that okay, ladies and gentlemen? You know, now that I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America, a lot is true. And one of the things is, is we are scurrying around to get this man His American citizenship. Tonight's show will begin with the stylings of the one and only Estonian assassin. This is Ari. Matthew,

[Cam Patterson]

What's up?

[Ari Matti]

Sorry, I'm a little on edge. There's no porn in Texas. Give me back my porn. I'm a little on edge. Don't look at me weird when I'm on the bush waiting. Now I gotta get my release. I love how some of my friends are like, yeah, you can watch porn in Texas. All you gotta do is get a vpn. Yeah, I'm just trying to beat my dick. I'm not Edward Snowden. I'm trying to get my belly button full of cum. I'm not trying to rig an election. Dude, the first time you go to watch pornhub in Texas and you see that fucking message come up, it's fucking weird. You got your lotion ready dick hard all of a sudden. You're like elected officials. Legislation. And I've read the whole message. If you scroll to the bottom of that message, you actually find out that you can watch pornhub in Texas. All you gotta do is get age verification. And that means you gotta send a picture to pornhub of your face holding your. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. It's not like the porn I watch is illegal, but I definitely need to explain it. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Ari Matti has done it again. We did it. Indeed. Porn is strangely illegal here. There's a lot of sites that work, but the big main ones don't. And it is very odd.

[Brian Redban]

I love that.

[Ari Matti]

It's a bummer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is. The premise is unbelievable. Just to let you know it. It's not exactly Edward Snowden that you have to be. All you have to do is sign [e-mail] Hill Tony, and you can get an extra four months free. And you just have to click one button. You just fire up the app and it works on all devices, phones, laptops, tablets and more. But, yeah, I get it. It is weird. And you have to go to some janky porn sites.

[Ari Matti]

I've been to some janky. Janky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, dude, I'm like 15 again. I jack off the gifs on Twitter now. Dude, all I need is three pictures. I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Dark out here. It is in the dark web.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. Oh, dark web. Because agreeing that all the webs are dark to D madness. What do you use? A laptop? An iPad? Your phone? What are you on now?

[Ari Matti]

I'm a laptop guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, clicking away.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, but I Mean, the phone is there, too, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You ever do both? Laptop and phone? Have a little threesome?

[Ari Matti]

Holy no. But I do remember when I was younger, I would watch, like, UFC and porn just back to back. I gotta tell you, it really fucked my brain up because now I can't come without Joe Rogan yelling

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and it is all over. Oh, my God, he's hurt. What he needs to do here is flip his leg to the other side. You're wonderful.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're beautiful. You're amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got Joe on the line live, a good friend here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, I used to watch porn and UFC at the same time, but I just watched. This is the point. You need to get into guys on top of each other. Because I would just watch the ufc, ejaculate. I wouldn't need the porn on at all. Yeah, okay. Didn't get the laugh that I thought it would seem to. More like a confession than a joke. And let's just keep rolling with the show. All right. I guess I'm a gay. Okay. Nobody laughed. They're just like, okay, yeah, what's next, Tony, Are you gonna ask Ari a question or something? Like. We know. We know, Tony.

[Ari Matti]

Dude, the amount of times I get the question, are you really gay? From dudes on these killers of kill. Tone, it's the number one question. Yeah, nobody gives a fuck about my visa. Everybody cares about. And by the way, if you ask me, whoever is gay, I'm gonna say he's gay. Just so you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true. I love it. So, Ari, how has the road been? What else is going on in your world?

[Ari Matti]

I was in Philadelphia this weekend. You know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they are allowed people. They are aggressive, loud.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was in Atlantic City, an hour away from Philly, and they're doing the. They're spelling out eagles better than their own mayor does right there.

[Ari Matti]

They did that, too. Just grown men.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

No job, no nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Ari Matti]

I tried. Oh, I tried to. When I went to Philadelphia, you know, I'm a big sauna guy. There's no saunas in Austin. I'm a big sauna guy. And I was trying to find these Russian saunas in America, all the saunas. Like, the number one struggle is if I can tell if it's a gay sauna. Because the gay people, like, own saunas here, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I do.

[Ari Matti]

So then I just had to go to, like. I found, like, a sauna place near the hotel, but I was fucking lurking outside just to see, like, who walks out, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Meanwhile, there's some Guy down the block watching you working at the place, like, oh, that's definitely a gay sauna. Look at that dude out there fucking just waiting for dick.

[Ari Matti]

That is funny. Just a lot of guys with newspapers around the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like that. It's like the meme with the guy peeking from behind the trees.

[Ari Matti]

But I didn't go in. I was scared because I saw two

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guys come out at the same time.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah. And they were like. Like, I'm happy after a sauna, but they were just a bit too loose, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense. What's the porn like in Estonia?

[Ari Matti]

We have some. We have, like, a couple of porn movies that are pretty dark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what. What's. What's. What's dark?

[Ari Matti]

Most porn comes from Ukraine, you know, Ukraine is like, number one. Number one. Baby porn.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Porn.

[Ari Matti]

Porn. All the webcam girls, they're all Ukrainian,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and I didn't know that.

[Ari Matti]

Romanian, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But why do you think that is? Why do you think Ukraine is the porn place? It is, but why? I'm not disagreeing with you at all.

[Ari Matti]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree.

[Will Hunsinger]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think just.

[Ari Matti]

The chicks are hot. They're clever, you know?

[Andrew Schultz]

Is that why? Because they're clever?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, they're clever.

[Andrew Schultz]

Maybe poor.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, there's that too. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I want to know.

[Ari Matti]

I want to look into their eyes for too long, you know what I'm saying?

[Andrew Schultz]

What? What? What are you into? Because you said it needs to be explained, and I haven't stopped thinking about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that, you know, like, if you would

[Ari Matti]

see the porn, like.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, I know.

[Ari Matti]

Like, you know, when you watch porn with your girl, you're not gonna put on the porn. You actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you know. Right. Of course. Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's hilarious.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, she sees the first few letters and it's just T, R, A. And you're like.

[Ari Matti]

Because I've done that. I'm like, we've all done babbling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beautiful woman.

[Andrew Schultz]

Now what are you watching?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Alone.

[Ari Matti]

Alone?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's nothing.

[Ari Matti]

Like.

[Andrew Schultz]

Nah, tell us the real. I need to know the real Ari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us a little.

[Ari Matti]

It depends on, like, what's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's.

[Andrew Schultz]

Do you watch any of our stuff? Are you into the, you know, exotic?

[Ari Matti]

What do you mean?

[Brian Redban]

Black women?

[Ari Matti]

Black women.

[Andrew Schultz]

No. Yeah. All black women are from America to Ari.

[Ari Matti]

I'm pretty.

[Andrew Schultz]

Is that the Williams sisters

[Cam Patterson]

now?

[Andrew Schultz]

What about.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

What about.

[Ari Matti]

I'm pretty progressive. Like, I watch. Like, I can imagine a black guy. Like, if I can watch black kids.

[William Montgomery]

Wow,

[Ari Matti]

you're white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're right.

[Andrew Schultz]

I am white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a lot of watch a

[Ari Matti]

black guy just destroying a white girl and imagine you're the guy. I can.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, you can do that?

[Andrew Schultz]

You can see yourself as him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah yeah

[Andrew Schultz]

yeah.

[Ari Matti]

We love you big dicks.

[Andrew Schultz]

That is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you use your imagination, cuz there's no black guys in Ukraine is what you're saying. No, but.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

And it is pretty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've been sending giant missiles to Ukraine for a couple years. Maybe war jokes.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you.

[Ari Matti]

Do.

[Andrew Schultz]

You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But like.

[Ari Matti]

Son of a. But the classic thing is that like, it gets the. The more you're scrolling, the harsher it gets. Like the more tabs, you know?

[Will Hunsinger]

You know when the tabs.

[Ari Matti]

There are no letters anymore, just these fucking. And you're just looking for the one dude. Then it gets pretty dark.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

What is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just give us one thing before we get you out of here. Just like.

[Will Hunsinger]

What do you mean?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

One crazy.

[Ari Matti]

Well, you know, all the chicks are crying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Perfect. Ari. What the. We needed.

[Ari Matti]

You know, all the chicks are like, help, help, help. The doors are locked, it's dark. It's a fucking storage unit with a couch. Dudes have sneakers on. You know how it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari's been jerking off to the View.

[Ari Matti]

You know how it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The party has begun. Ari. Maddie. Ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun. This is Kill Tony live from Austin, Texas. Brought to you by Nicked. Nicked nykd the amazing nicotine pouch. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, has joined the fray. And now it begins our flight. First bucket pull of the night. Simple. They do a minute, we interview them. We don't know them. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. Jovan Afzali. I wanted to say Jovan, but this guy knows. Jovan Afzali.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, so I've noticed. There's a lot of gold diggers in the city, right? You have to be careful. I overheard these two girls. One of them said she would fuck any guy with a job and a boat. So I snuck up behind her. I was like, hey, what could I get with a canoe and an internship? Anything? Okay. No. It's tough to find true love. It is. Because, you know, it's not all based off looks. Love is blind. You know what? It's not nose blind. My girlfriend smells like shit. I put my thumb in her belly button and her butthole. I pulled it out. It smelled exactly the same. What's going on? Okay. No, I don't actually have a girlfriend. Sometimes I like to make up imaginary girlfriends. Right now I'm dating this black girl. Her name's Double entendre. She's really kind, but she makes me do weird things in the bedroom. Like, she'll make me do blackface and she'll do white face. So then we 69 and it looks like yin yang. It's kind of like. It's kind of weird. And she's always telling me. She's like, joven, bring food in the bedroom. But I'm out of whipped cream, so I'm like, okay, I have caramelized onions and Swiss cheese, so I'll spit on her. I'm like, who's my little patty melt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four.

[Jovan Afzali]

Okay. All right, thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Jovan. Jovan Afzali. What is that? What's your ethnicity?

[Jovan Afzali]

Afghanistan. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're Afghani?

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, my dad's from there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm half.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And your mom's white?

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, she's white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's Jovan.

[Jovan Afzali]

Joven, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joven.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Jovan. Okay. So the girlfriend isn't real.

[Jovan Afzali]

Not real one bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm guessing you don't have a canoe in an internship.

[Jovan Afzali]

Nope. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What do you do for work?

[Jovan Afzali]

I'm a. I'm like a line cook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. You're wearing the pants. That makes sense. I was wondering if those are legit chef's pants. They are.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yep. I had work.

[William Montgomery]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And how long have you done that for?

[Jovan Afzali]

About five years in total, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[Jovan Afzali]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. Wow. Where at?

[Jovan Afzali]

Let's see, two years were back, like, Albany is where I'm from. And then, like, yeah, two and a half years here, I think.

[Will Hunsinger]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You must love it here compared to Albany, New York.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, it's quite lovely here. But the summers get to me. I get stupid and hot. So hot and bothered or whatever you call it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, they're hot.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah. But, yeah, it's a nice place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, summers are hot.

[William Montgomery]

Tony.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

You'd think he'd have better lines being a line cook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's been cooking up. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vrom, vroom. Jet Ski.

[Andrew Schultz]

Jet Ski.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

Who's on your shirt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My mom. That's Derek's mother, Penelope Poston. We all know her. We love her.

[Jovan Afzali]

It's Nina Simone. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jovan Afzali]

But when I wear it, it kind of looks like Aunt Jemima, but. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right. Somehow that's the most racist part of the show so far. Very interesting. What do you specialize in? Cooking?

[Jovan Afzali]

Well, right now I just started at this Asian place, but usually I do like Italian food. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jovan Afzali]

I like to Mix it up. New restaurants, new flavors. Yeah, you never know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, what have you learned working at the Asian restaurant? Do you have a mean Asian boss?

[Jovan Afzali]

Well, I literally just, like, I staged, like, yesterday, and I got the job, so I'll start this week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're already wearing the pants.

[Jovan Afzali]

Well, I had another interview because I need a second job, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you had an interview today.

[Andrew Schultz]

Do you show up with the pants today? This guy's dedicated, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's just what I would, like.

[Andrew Schultz]

Imagine showing up and the shoe. You got the Crocs on, don't you? Y. Oh, this guy's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just in case they're, like, ready to throw you in there right now.

[Jovan Afzali]

Dress for the job you want. Am I right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. 100%. 100%. Joven, tell us more about you is what do you do for fun?

[Jovan Afzali]

I love playing chess lately, and I like to go dancing, so those kind of fill my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a dancer?

[Jovan Afzali]

No, I'm not a dancer. I like to go dancing, though.

[Andrew Schultz]

What type of dancing?

[Jovan Afzali]

I'll just kind of wiggle.

[Andrew Schultz]

Can we give them a little something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, can we get a little, like. What type of music do you dance to? Country salsa.

[Andrew Schultz]

Don't brag about dancing and not bust a move in front of us, please.

[Cam Patterson]

Shake that ass, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, pop that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Give us something, folks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of dancing?

[Jovan Afzali]

I like, like, Indian trap music's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, do we have any Indian trap music? Oh, Michael's got it. He's been waiting for. He's been waiting years for somebody to say Indian trap music.

[Jovan Afzali]

Oh, that'll go, like, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hey,

[Jovan Afzali]

I'll do that for, like, 45 minutes, and then I'll leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

I like that.

[Jovan Afzali]

Thanks.

[Andrew Schultz]

I like that. Joven's got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. The Afghani assassin. All right.

[Andrew Schultz]

With the Indian trap music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is wild. Your father, it seems like he'd be furious to see you do that.

[Jovan Afzali]

Oh, he's 90% sure I'm gay, but, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Welcome to my world. What does he think about you doing stand up? You're Afghanistan.

[Jovan Afzali]

He seems to like it. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Jovan Afzali]

He's not like, thank God.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

But, yeah, he's more like, thank Allah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. And they're up in Albany still.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah, that's what they live.

[Andrew Schultz]

They have caves there. That was wrong. That was wrong. That was bad. I apologize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of girls are you into? Do you find yourself being more into?

[Jovan Afzali]

I like, like. Like, grumpy Asian girls would be ideal. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grumpy Asian girls. This is Red Band's Specialty.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So puffy faces like Chinese girls.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Will Hunsinger]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The face doesn't even matter to Joven. He doesn't care. It's mostly about the attitude.

[Andrew Schultz]

How do they. Yeah, how do they act when they're grumpy?

[Jovan Afzali]

What, do they just kind of not smiling a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you do an impression of a grumpy Asian woman that you would be into? Just go for it.

[Jovan Afzali]

I mean, I'm not gonna stretch my

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

eyes out, but you don't have to do that. It's more about the voice than the attitude.

[Jovan Afzali]

Why are you talking to me like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or

[Jovan Afzali]

why do you have boobs? I don't know. Kick me, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, this got weird.

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I don't know. Okay. But it was a good set. You are the first bucket pool of the night. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. And it has begun. There goes Jovan Afzali. All right, your next bucket pull. Getting 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Satisfaction. Sammy Blumenthal. Sammy Blumenthal. Here she is.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Hey, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

This year, I became a mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Thank you. Thank you so much. I've been trying to breastfeed, and he's having a really hard time latching. I just wish someone told me that would happen before I got the dog. I have a German shepherd, which is really empowering as a Jewish woman. I named him after my late great grandfather. 017694. Thank you. Thank you. I love my dog. He just is really particular. Like, especially when we go outside, he takes so long. I'm like, come on. Is this your spot? Is this your spot? Poop for me. Is this your spot? Is this your spot? Now I know how my ex felt every time he tried to make me come, you know? Might take a long time. But now I get it, though. I get it. I understand his perspective. So now when I try to get him to go quicker, I just go, shh. Take your toy, close your eyes, and pretend I'm literally anyone else. And he poops immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Sammy Blumenthal. Welcome. Welcome, Sammy. Is this your first time on the show?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

My second time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Yeah. Welcome back. How long you been on stand up?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

A little over a year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little over a year. When was the last time you were on?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Last December. And then it aired. It was, like, six weeks, and then it aired in January.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six weeks?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah, five or something. There was, like, two recordings on a Monday and two recordings on a Tuesday, so it just took a while for it to come out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Yeah. That has nothing to do with the question that I asked.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So December was when you were on the show.

[William Montgomery]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

December took a long time for it to come out.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Takes a long time. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bar Jewish. That confirms it right there. I did the show, but then it took, like, four weeks. You must have taken your first vacation in absolute years or something. Wow. Thank you, Sammy, for pointing that out. For no reason, two weeks in a row off, I got this Jew calling me out on it. Jesus Christ. All right, so, Sammy, that was fun. You've been doing stand up for a year. What do you do for a living?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I am a dietitian, but I took a year off. I was teaching preschool for a year, and I just had my last day on Friday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you do that? Being a dietitian got hard when Ozempic came out.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah. No, it is hard because, like, I definitely focus on, rather than, like, weight loss, which is, like, a common thing that people ask me about, I focus on our relationship with food and, like, building and healing our relationship with food and body.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, like, let me introduce you to my friend Red Band here.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about it. Brian. What? Did I take a picture of this?

[Cam Patterson]

Talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about your relationship with food. Yeah. Okay. How do you. How would you do this? So let's say this guy comes in looking gray slash green.50, right? What would you say to him?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah. So we did do this last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we did. Wow. All right. Sorry. I'm a simple man. Okay. Have you ever saved, like, somebody's life? Like, what's your greatest accomplishment from that job?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Schultz]

From how much weight? Yeah, how much weight does someone lose?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

So that's the thing. I don't focus on weight. That's what I'm trying to say.

[Andrew Schultz]

That seems like you don't do your job.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Okay. That's why I took a year off. I couldn't help people lose weight. I don't know. But my greatest accomplishment, I think, is, like, my favorite thing is, like, when a woman goes to the store and feels confident, just, like, picking out a size. And it's not that. Like, it's like, our body is not meant to fit clothes. Like, our clothes are meant to fit our body.

[Andrew Schultz]

Derek. Derek, now is time for you to speak up.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I'm still stuck on yo, you let your dog suck your nipples. Brody.

[Andrew Schultz]

Why, you nasty dude.

[Cam Patterson]

Yes, I'm a. I haven't moved from that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You nasty. That's nasty.

[Andrew Schultz]

Derek, she's trying to make all the white women thin. Attack her immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're finding out what kind of porn Ari's actually into. I have a lot of explaining to do. German shepherd on Jew girl tits.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, I like that. I like that joke about the number.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Thank you for the.

[Andrew Schultz]

Doug.

[Cam Patterson]

That was really good.

[Will Hunsinger]

That was really good.

[Andrew Schultz]

That was a good one.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Thank you. His name. His. Can I. His name is Topher. This is him. I got. I got a tattoo of him.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, wow.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I wanted to get it before he died so I could show him, you know? Like, I just felt like it would be sad to get it afterwards. Like, he sees it all the time. I don't think he knows what he's looking at, but. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's talk about your relationship with your dog.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yes, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I love my dogs. I love him. People think that I love him too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I wonder why.

[Andrew Schultz]

Why do they think that? Like, is there anything.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

You know, I take him everywhere. He comes with me everywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. That makes sense.

[Andrew Schultz]

Red man on fire tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does he ever get. Does he ever get a little red rocket?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Oh, my God. No, no, it's not little. It is the biggest dick I've ever seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hit it again.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

It is so big.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Schultz]

Does it look like that mic?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

No, if this mic was purple.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, it's dark, like. I'm sorry. You got a black dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible. You're having some real rough sex.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Woof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there you go.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So what happens when the dog gets so the dog has balls still?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

No, that. I'm so confused.

[Andrew Schultz]

It gets hard without testicles.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Around you.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Sorry. Okay, I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he does. He continues to get hard without balls.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there something that happens? Is there something that you do? Is it when you're cooking? Is it when you.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I mean, he loves when I use a shower in the oven. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's. Let's stick with the real.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

That was a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When does he get hard? We want to know when the dog gets hard in. We are genuinely concerned.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

It just. It happens when I come home. He gets, like, really excited. Excited when I. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you spit on it? That was Red Ban. All lawsuits go to Orion Redban for that one. Do you do. Disgusting. Disgusting.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

So gross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you spit on it? All right. So, Sammy, what's your love life actually like? You seem like a likable, pretty girl, but you seem like. You seem like a cat lady that has a dog. Really?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I'm, like, severely allergic to cats.

[Andrew Schultz]

No, but that's not what he was saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Andrew Schultz]

The observation he made was poignant. It was meaning you have this really intense attachment to an animal, but it might be difficult for you to have that attachment to human beings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

How did you know?

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, you were talking to us for about seven minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You told us the exact color of your dad dog's cock. So we're like, there might be an issue here. So Tony's pretty good at this. He can get to the bottom of things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

What's my relation? What are my relationships like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I bet you have trouble. Now he's just being evil.

[Andrew Schultz]

When was the last boyfriend?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Well, here's the thing. I think we don't need to do it. That's fine.

[Andrew Schultz]

It seems long.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

No, it's not long. I'll summarize it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I think I'm a little gayer than I realized.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She does support. Oh, that was very loud, Red. Band's very excited about this plot twist.

[Andrew Schultz]

You do like cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. Tell us more about this might be gayer than you thought thing. How does this happen?

[Andrew Schultz]

I like this.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah. So I remember being in, like, fifth grade, and I was looking at the clock in whatever class I was in, and I just asked myself, like, do I like girls? I don't know. It was just, like, the first thought in my head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you the clock? What is the clock after?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I don't know. That's just what I remember. I was looking at when I was, like, asking myself that. I feel really vulnerable and my body feels uncomfortable right now as I'm talking about this. But that's okay. But then every relationship I've been with and been in with a man in the back of my head, it's like, what? I don't know what a relationship with a woman is like. I do not know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever gone on a date with a girl?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever hooked up with a girl?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a video of it? Red man, Red band. You are misbehaving tonight. You're out of control. This is a professional show.

[Andrew Schultz]

We're almost there. Red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a.

[Andrew Schultz]

We were almost. She was gonna tell us all about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We respect women and we don't do that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, take us back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have video of it? All right. I'm kidding.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

So no. So the first time I went down on a lady.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, you looked at you. You've had intercourse with a woman.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

What does that look like, though? I Still don't know what that looks like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'll have to like, what does it

[Andrew Schultz]

look like when you go down on the girl?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I threw up, so I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, you didn't. You're making a joke.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went down on a girl and you threw up?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is epic.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is unbelievable.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm one of the greatest interviewers in podcast history. How did we get here?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did we get here?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah, I. I did, I did do that. I think.

[Andrew Schultz]

What made you throw up so smell. Was it? Yeah. Yeah. What was the shock?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the, the take us step by step throughout the night. Did you go to a movie? Did you have dinner? What happened here?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

We were just hanging out at her apartment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

And the friend. Yeah, I knew her since I was 12 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're hanging out at the apartment. What are you guys doing? What are you doing?

[Andrew Schultz]

How old was she when you were 12?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Not also 12.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, good.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Like, we were both 12.

[Andrew Schultz]

Just making sure.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

But this didn't happen when we were 12.

[Jovan Afzali]

Of course.

[Andrew Schultz]

That would be gross, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, but you guys are grown up. You're hanging out, it's just the two of you. You're at her place doing girly things. What are you guys doing? Like the dishes. Terrible.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Terrible. I'm sorry.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

No, it's okay. You don't have to apologize. It's okay. No, we were just like hanging out and talking and it was like, oh, this feels like. This feels safe. Like, feeling safe during sex is an important thing. So if you learn anything here today, make sure you feel safe. During sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then keep going.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

And then. So we were, we were. We were kissing and it felt nice. And then I was like, oh, can I go down on you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you went straight to that. Did you really feel in her boobs?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I was touching the same.

[Andrew Schultz]

You got to feel her face a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

little straight from before you go down.

[Jovan Afzali]

Kissing like this, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I go down on you?

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, I. Yeah, you have to go around the bases. You can't cut from first to third across the pitchers mound.

[Andrew Schultz]

Literally. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Okay, okay. So you go, you ask her. You ask her. You go, can I go down on you? And she goes, yes, please. And I'm So these are jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These are jokes.

[Andrew Schultz]

We're not gonna talk about her disabled friend like that. You've known him since she's 12. Yes. Tell us the real.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

So this is real. Like, this is really what happened?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Tell us what really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love it.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

So at the time. At the time, this is. Okay. So I was in a relationship with a guy during the time. And we said, no, stop. And he said, we decided to be, like, in an open relationship. Okay. And so I felt uncomfortable doing it because I didn't tell him where I'd be before. But I was on the show last time, and I told you a story that I got home and I saw videos of my ex while wearing my clothes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. I remember that.

[Andrew Schultz]

I was just trying to outgame.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I was just trying to outgame. But that's, like, context to the story that, like.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hold on. That's the craziest revenge I've ever heard

[William Montgomery]

of in my entire life.

[Jovan Afzali]

This is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're gay. I'll show you gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I now remember your appearance on the show.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yes. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had a boyfriend that you found. Remind us. It was a video multiple, right?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're getting the guitar change.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. D Madness has to go. Famous homophobe. D Madness. He gets too gay. My bad.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness takes a break.

[Andrew Schultz]

We found out what porn he's into.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you found out your boyfriend's gay, even though you're in an open relationship. You say, no way. And then you're hanging out with your girlfriend.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Well, my friend who's a girl. Right. And girl things. And then. No, but I think I threw up because I felt take us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Let's just slow it down. Before the vomit. Before the vomit. Because we want to paint a picture here a little bit. Are you on a couch? A bed.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you guys are both naked or. She just took her pants off. What's going on?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

We are both naked, but naked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she hasn't done anything to you?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you go between her legs. How long do you think you're there?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

About how long do you, like, say, like three minutes. And then I vomited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. And. And you're like. You go straight. So three minutes of just straight licking,

[Sammy Blumenthal]

kind of no talking, checking in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's such. That's such a lesbian bullshit. You get all the way down there and you're like. So tell me again about your day. Looking from above her belly button.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hold on. You checked. So you checked in. What is that? Like, see?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

How does this feel?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

How's it going?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the shit. All this shit the ladies love. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So you wanted the feedback. You wanted to know you were Doing a good job.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Feedback. If you are. If you are silent. While we were being. While we are being intimate. Like, I. I can't. Like, I'll. I will leave. Like, I need to know what is going. I need communication.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about sounds, though? Like, you know, positive sounds, like, you don't have to talk. Red. Red bands only heard people have sex. Well, like, the reason why we actually do have. We have a sound of red band having sex. I'm just kidding. That's. After Tom Segura broke his arm, he made this. So play it one more time. It's not sex. Tom Segura broke his arm playing basketball. Okay, back to it. So you're down there, you're talking. You're asking questions. Questions while swiping your tongue randomly and then checking back in again.

[Andrew Schultz]

She's not making any sounds at all.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I don't. I just. Yes, we're talking. Like, we're having a conversation.

[Andrew Schultz]

Is she making, like, sounds of pleasure?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Like.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Is that a sound of pleasure to you?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Sometimes, but then I need you to elaborate. What? I need you to elaborate, like, if. Because the thing is, is when I've been in, like, a sexual experience and I'm making sounds, sometimes it's, like, performative.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

You know what I mean? It's like. And I. I'm. I'm also a woman, and I've been. I mean. Yeah, I've been. Yes, I'm a woman.

[Andrew Schultz]

So you got in your head. You got in your head a little bit.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yes, because I know what it's like to be a woman. And when a man's down there, it's just like. And, like, I'm hating it. And I'm not, like, speaking up for myself. You know what I mean? Clap for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no. Don't do the. Don't do that. Hold on. Okay, so let's keep going. Let's keep going. You can't tell them to do something.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

So sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're going to turn on you.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's get to the vomit part. What. What happens?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Okay, so I'm down there, and I think I just started thinking about my situ. My, like, relationship situation and, like, how uncomfortable that I was in that situation and how I feel uncomfortable in this situation. So what ended up happening is that I just threw up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you throw up in between her legs?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

No, I did get up and go to the bathroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See?

[Andrew Schultz]

Did you check in with her on how she felt after that? Because that must have destroyed her. You went down her for three minutes and then you projectile vomited into a bathroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think she could hear you vomiting?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Oh, she knew. She was asking, like, she was checking in on how I was feeling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

But I did feel bad because that was her first experience. And, like, I don't. I don't know, last and her last. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Time to go back to school, I guess. Red band. You are really. That makes no sense.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

No wonder you dogs now. You traumatized.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, that's a. That's a tough. That's a tough one to rebound from.

[M]

For her.

[Andrew Schultz]

Not for you, for her. Yeah, like, imagine what she's going through, the next guy or girl that she hooks up with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's like. And very rarely is there a case of bulimia after that kind of eating out.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. What's her Instagram

[Sammy Blumenthal]

not doing that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have an eating out disorder.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

That's funny.

[Andrew Schultz]

Could you put it into my phone so I just see what the Instagram. I just need to see what this girl looks like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, I like this.

[Andrew Schultz]

Can you put into Derek's phone? Actually, hold on. I have a wife and kid, man. I can't be looking at these garbage. Like, this is crazy. This is insanity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Red band already follows her. How exciting.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

She's beautiful. Like, she's lovely. She's. You just hold her profile picture.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

No, stop it. Oh.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Oh, wow.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Showing.

[Andrew Schultz]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yes. She's gorgeous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's stunning.

[Matt Gonzalez]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does she do?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

She works in sales. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Well, Sammy, what size joke book did you get last?

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I did get a big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Yeah. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she goes. Sammy Blumenthal. How fun. Long interview. Very fun. Oh, God. All right, let's keep it moving along. We're up. Having fun here. There goes Sammy Blumenthal. And on to the next one we go. Will Hunsinger. Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody. Come on, guys. Some noise for Will.

[Will Hunsinger]

Happy, happy Black History Month, everybody. We made it through. Got me thinking about, like, all the different color barriers that have been crossed. Jackie Robinson, all these great people. I was thinking, I wish there were more black serial killers. I think it'd be kind of fun, you know, because to be honest with you, right now, how fun would Silence of the Lambs have been if that guy was like, put the cocoa butter in the basket. That would have been pretty good. The cops are trying to figure it out. Like, there's a bunch of thick white women going missing. I wonder who it could be. All right, I see Scared white faces in here. I don't like that at all. You guys all looked at the band to see if you could laugh. I don't like that. All right, I'll give you this olive branch. At least you know, if he was eating those girls, at least they'd be properly seasoned. That's fair. So listen to me, Jeffrey Dahmer, that dude was from Wisconsin. That food was bland as. Okay, but Jayvon Dahmer, invite me to the cookout, all right? I'll eat a white bitch's foot if you put it with cornbread. That's soul food, you guys. That's soul food. All right, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Will Hun Singer, everybody. Welcome. Will, this is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand up?

[Will Hunsinger]

Five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years?

[Will Hunsinger]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love it. Where at?

[Will Hunsinger]

I just moved here from Las Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Las Vegas? That's where you're originally from?

[Will Hunsinger]

I grew up in Ohio, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of Ohio?

[Will Hunsinger]

Menor by Cleveland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Yeah. D Madness is back, everybody.

[Will Hunsinger]

Oh, there we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what do you do for work, Will?

[Will Hunsinger]

I, I work for the government. Aerospace engineer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Will Hunsinger]

Don't move for that. Don't do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you do as an aerospace engineer?

[Will Hunsinger]

Well, I work for. Can I like not talk about that particularly, because I just work for the government.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have to say who you work for. You're the one that chose to.

[Andrew Schultz]

Now we want to know what the you're up to, but it's just like,

[Will Hunsinger]

I don't want to lose my, you

[Andrew Schultz]

know, you decided to come on the show.

[Will Hunsinger]

Nothing. I, I, I used to work for a company that made jet engines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, word. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Will Hunsinger]

So I was an operations manager and then I, I worked for a company that made titanium for jet engines. And then we did engine overhaul and bunch of like that, so.

[Andrew Schultz]

And then you stopped doing that and sued Blake Lively.

[Brian Redban]

Idiot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Will Hun Singer. He's innocent, by the way.

[Andrew Schultz]

That motherfucker's handsome.

[Will Hunsinger]

He didn't do it.

[Andrew Schultz]

He didn't. That's not a roast.

[Will Hunsinger]

It's a compliment. I appreciate it.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, you're a good looking.

[Will Hunsinger]

Thank you, man. Appreciate you too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, let me just cut to the chase here. We just had a girl on here who went down on a girl once and vomited. Do you have anything in your life that interesting that's ever happened? Anything like.

[Will Hunsinger]

I haven't any animals at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, nobody said that. Nothing that bad. No, nobody said it was a. Y'

[Will Hunsinger]

all danced surrounded for A while. There was a lot of. A lot of dog. A lot of vomiting. No, I don't think I've had anybody. I've had a woman bite my penis. And that was, that was tough. That was tough. She was an older lady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old?

[Will Hunsinger]

Like 44, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How old were you at the time?

[Will Hunsinger]

24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Will Hunsinger]

Yeah, it was tough because she scraped it and then it made it hard to stay hard, you know, and then you put the condom on and that stings and then you put it in and then it's like. It's hard to stay hard when your dick's scraped. You know what I mean? And then a 44 year old woman, if your dick goes soft, she just calls you a. So like, yeah, that's kind of what you're stuck with. They get insulted. They don't be like, hey, you've hurt me. And they're like, I don't give a shit you're gay. Like, that's. Yeah, so yeah, that was a tough one. But yeah, nothing that awful is. I haven't had to throw up before. I mean, that sounds terrifying, but no. Have you thrown up on a woman before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no know. All right, so what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that?

[Will Hunsinger]

I train Jiu jitsu. I do that. Play a little guitar here and there. Nothing too crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you play guitar?

[Will Hunsinger]

Not as well as some of the people have been on here do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, they're professional musicians. How often do you play guitar?

[Will Hunsinger]

Oh, just a few times a week, here and there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just how many years have you played guitar for?

[Will Hunsinger]

Oh, like two or three. Nothing crazy. Yeah, just. No, nothing. Just for fun. Just doing that. But jiu jitsu, I've been doing that for like five, six years. I trained a lot in Vegas. I got to train with like, like a lot of professional, like MMA guys and stuff. It was pretty cool. Got to train like a UFCPI and all that. So that was kind of tight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you don't fight?

[Will Hunsinger]

No, no, I get brain damage. I don't want that. I'm good at the engineering gig. Yeah, yeah. But no, yeah, just, just training that. And then like I trained with like Sean Strickland. That was pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's craziest thing you saw while living in Las Vegas all those years.

[Will Hunsinger]

Fucking shit, man. Man, I've seen people get hit by cars, seen people lose their entire livelihoods. I don't know. Vegas was a weird town. It was a weird place to live. It was a shell shot going from Ohio because you Just, it's just everything, everywhere, all the time. Just people losing their goddamn minds every day. You're not supposed to live there. That's not a place you're supposed to live. That city's full of pieces of shit. It is. It's just full of scum. All the scum of the country just washes in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were there. You were part of it.

[Will Hunsinger]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got shit. Yeah. Living with it, it was, it was fucking wild, dude. You just, you see everybody getting over divorces together and it's sad, it's rough. It's just dudes on TRT and Omnia just, just trying to get 20 year old and it's, it's a war zone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But.

[Will Hunsinger]

Yeah, I don't know. I, I, yeah, I, I. Craziest fun

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

fact about your whole life, Will. Maybe it's about your family, maybe it's something that's happened to you. Anything.

[Will Hunsinger]

I had a bad mushroom trip that was pretty scary. I, I lost my mind and thought my friends were trying to kill me and I punched my best friend in the face. Whoa. Yeah, that was bad. Yeah. I was in Sedona, Arizona, and I was supposed to be like the spirit guide for my buddies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were supposed to be the spirit guide?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what? Who the fuck made you the spirit guide?

[Will Hunsinger]

I did a lot of drugs in college and shit. We got drug tested all the way through for engineering, so I could never smoke weed or anything. So I just did acid all the time. It was the first time I ever got high. So that was cool. Like I got like, I did acid a fuckload. And then I was like, cool, we're all going to do mushrooms out in Sedona. That'll be a fun time. And then my buddy sold me this, like, they're called albino penis envy. They're like the strongest mushrooms known to man. And then I lost my fucking mind. And then I was, I was just in there and I thought all my friends were trying to kill me. So I got all defensive and then I squared up and just rocked my buddy. And then three people tackled me. And then they, and then I got away from them. I ran. They tore my shirt off me. This was like 2 o' clock in the afternoon. And then just in a suburban neighborhood. Ran down the street running for my life. Fell into a cactus, bleeding everywhere. And then I was on that level of high where you think like you're, the whole thing's a video game and you have to get out. You have to go to another fucking level. So then I went to a house, and I went to open a stranger's house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God.

[Will Hunsinger]

And I was probably, like, as close as you are to me to the doorway. And then my friends were like, yo. And I turned around, like, we got to go home. And I was like, oh, shit. And then they corralled me back home, and I lost my mind for 12 more hours on the couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 hours?

[Will Hunsinger]

Yes, it was bad. I dissociated for probably, like, three months after that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the buddy that you punched, he was on mushrooms too, right?

[Will Hunsinger]

Yes, He. From his perspective. I walked downstairs like the Terminator and then just squared up and rocked him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Imagine that. Imagine you see your spirit guide coming down the stairs. You're tripping your balls off, and you're like, oh. Oh, he's back. Oh, great. Yeah. What the.

[Will Hunsinger]

Yeah, we rocked him pretty good.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

The.

[Will Hunsinger]

The training's been paying off. It worked good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But.

[Will Hunsinger]

Yeah, and then. Yeah, I watched that. You guys seen, like, everywhere. Everything all at once or ever. That movie. That shit, like, helped me get out of the loop that I was in, because I'd have those moments where I was just like, none of this is real. It's all a projection. And then I'm having it right now. It's weird, but it was. Yeah. And that movie, like, checked me back out of it, and that was good. And I've been chill since, but I've not touched any psychedelics since that shit for safety purposes, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

perfect. Perfect. Well, Will, thanks for signing up. Fun times. On to the next one we go. Here's a little joke book to. Oh, my goodness. Wow. This guy's a he. Jiu jitsu. He catches, like, a jiu jitsu guy. What's going on over there, Michael? What's happening? What is going together, dude? What's happening? Let me just tell you, Michael, you have no idea how replaceable you are. Wait a second. Oh, my God. A legend of the game. Who would have guessed? Joel Burt. Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. The original Kill Tony drummer is visiting. Switch it up. There they go. From one. This is it. Mexicans taking Mexicans jobs. Make some noise for Joelberg. Joel Jimenez, everybody. A lot of you probably are newer fans. Bandwagon fans. Joel has traveled the world as a kil Tony drummer. Somebody call ice on this. When Joelberg says a funny, everybody chants Joelberg. You guys get it? You go, Joelberg. You'll get it. He's very funny. How about one more time for Joel Burg? Joel Jimenez with Jet Ski. Jesse Johnson. It's all J's. Six J's Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson and Joel Burg. Joel Jimenez. That's crazy. I've never noticed that before. What? I don't know what you're saying. Oh, my God. Sometimes I wish we had another camera and Mike's so that you guys could see the show that I deal with. Listening to Red Band say things next to me.

[Andrew Schultz]

Look at those jugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's wrong with you? This guy's out of control tonight. Why would you say that? All right. Indeed. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Brian Smith. Everybody make some noise for Brian Smith.

[Brian Redban]

Keep it going for the best band in the entire world, guys. Oh, man. So I don't do a lot of race jokes, but when I do, I want to make sure a certain percentage of the audience laughs. I call it the three fifths compromise. A lot of people read history here, so I. I like. I still like Michael Jackson's music. I try to separate the monster from the artist. Had a little fun thought experiment the other day. What if the only part of Michael Jackson's body he didn't bleach was his? Do you think that's how he got the kids in the van? It's like, oh, I got a little Hershey's Kiss. Come back here. Come on. Could you imagine being seven years old, you're at Neverland Ranch meeting your hero. You've been playing Galaga all day. And then Michael Jackson's like, come on back. I want to show you something. He bends over at the waist and spreads his ass cheeks, and it's like, white guy, white guy, white guy. Luther Vandross. White guy, white guy, white guy. My name is Ryan Smith.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Holy. Thank you. What the. That was crazy, dude. Absolutely nuts.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Bryant.

[Brian Redban]

In my defense, I'm real out of shape and had to run across the street, which is the most running I've ever done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had to run?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think you had to run. I don't think. Did they make it so that you have to sprint, right? No, definitely not.

[Brian Redban]

I had to. I had to lightly jog, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who told you that, Dusty? Somebody told you to lightly jog?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, he was. He was just moving very quickly, and I had to do that to keep up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was walking?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We took a while to get there, but we found out he walked here, ladies and gentlemen, just making sure. We would never make somebody lightly jog, especially somebody that already looks like they've been boiled today.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guy I've never met a Rotiss. Human before. This is absolutely unbelievable. I mean, what is that? What. What's up with you?

[Brian Redban]

Probably high blood pressure and a lot of drinking. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a special kind of pink.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some people refer to me as red sometimes, but that is that. That's a special color. I'm never that color.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it turns out it gets worse the older you get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Brian Redban]

38.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The youngest person on the stage. Everybody. Is the guy that looks like our grandmother. Holy. This is wild. 38 years old. What the.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Have you been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? What. What happened to you? I'm 39, Tony. Surely you're 39. 30. Look at that. Joel looks 20 years younger than I was.

[Brian Redban]

I wasn't blessed enough to be born with melanin, so I'm just hideously drunk all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so hold on. What do you. Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

Joel, you look like you've been hanging upside down for three days. I don't think there's any blood in the rest the of of his body.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true.

[Brian Redban]

Probably isn't. Honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. Do you ever exercise? That's why you thought.

[Brian Redban]

That's not entirely true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why you thought walking fast was jogging.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. What. What kind of exercise have you?

[Brian Redban]

Every now and again I get really, really baked and do yard karate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look baked. Bryant Smith.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we see some of your yard karate? I'm obsessed with this idea. Put the mic in the mic stand. I know you've got a lot of exercise in already today.

[Andrew Schultz]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And here it is. Give me some karate. Music. Fucking anything. Yep. There you go. That's really. That's your. That's your. Yeah, one of the horn players kinds of gets it. Okay. All right, that's enough. And a slow romantic music. Guys? Yeah. Can I get some karate?

[Andrew Schultz]

Anyone's.

[Brian Redban]

Anyone got a. Like, what's the thing you take if you have an inhaler?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian, stick with me here. What do you. What do you do for work?

[Brian Redban]

I got fired on Wednesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You do look like you've been on a firing. Right? Okay. What did you get fired from?

[Brian Redban]

I got fired from T Mobile.

[Peter Gonzalez]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do to get fired from T Mobile? Exactly.

[Brian Redban]

So one of my co workers and I had this game we like to play called get aids. And so we would take a post it note that said Get AIDS on it and hide it around our store. And our boss found it and I got blamed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why did you get blamed?

[Brian Redban]

Because I told my boss to get aids like earlier. That Week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean you told your boss to get aids?

[Brian Redban]

I disagreed with the decision she made and I told her to get aids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the decision that she made exactly? I want to know the behind the scenes where I believe it or not, I'm a T Mobile guy. I like T Mobile. I stand by T Mobile. They use everybody's satellite. You get free wi fi on Believe it or Not. Yeah, T Mobile. I am loyal to the soil.

[Brian Redban]

No, I. I love the company, but no. She was trying to get us to do like a stupid report at the end of every day. And it was stupid and for no reason. So I told her to get aids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Okay.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Do you think you got a little hot head.

[Andrew Schultz]

Jet Ski three tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, yeah. What are you gonna do? Do you have money saved up?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, I've got a little nest egg. My rent's paid up through April and how much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much is in the nest egg?

[Brian Redban]

I'm always after, after drinking at Poor Choices tonight. A lot less, but it's like 1400 bucks, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1400 bucks in the nest egg?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's funny you have a nest egg cuz you have chicken skin, dude.

[Brian Redban]

God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Who laid that egg? A red robin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, we are back. Joelberg and Jet Ski. Passing the ball back and forth. Shades of 2016, 17, 18, 19. Unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

Unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, thank you, Brian.

[Brian Redban]

You're welcome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us something crazy about your life. You are. You are an odd bird indeed. And I. I can't imagine.

[Brian Redban]

So I went through a breakup last month that was pretty bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I bet you did. Let's talk about that.

[Brian Redban]

And believe it or not, I did the breaking up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you mean breaking out. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do have a little bit of. What would be. What would we call that? What do we call that? Adult acne.

[Brian Redban]

Adult acne?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. You've always had it.

[Brian Redban]

I can't afford a fucking doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Brian Redban]

No, I've had it for. It's been like 10 years. It's been bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Is there something that you do? Do you. Do you. Do you dip your face in a deep fryer or something? We're trying to. There's got to be some type of habit that happens. Scared of soap. We all drink quite a bit. We all have fun. What?

[Brian Redban]

I. I'm pretty sure mine is. I used to work, like, outdoors and I thought sunscreen was gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right.

[Brian Redban]

And that'll do it every time. White people.

[Cam Patterson]

So again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, so let's go back to this break.

[Andrew Schultz]

All right.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long were you with this girl?

[Brian Redban]

We were together about nine, ten months.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Pretty long relationship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did she look like you? I feel like she looked like kinda, yeah. Actually, glasses a little bit. Glasses a little bit big.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Perfect.

[Brian Redban]

Bigger than me, but okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Brian Redban]

I like them large.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

But, yeah, we. We. We got in a huge fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Andrew. Yeah, I know what's on Andrew's.

[Andrew Schultz]

What do you mean you like them large?

[Brian Redban]

I like him. 56250.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're okay. Got it, got it, got it, got it.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

56250. Red band has entered the chat. Everybody.

[Andrew Schultz]

Incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Your nest. Una torta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

I just. I love the confidence. I love how you think it's like, your decision.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

You think this is all by your design. A great man once said, you eat what you could hunt.

[Brian Redban]

And I need him to be slow. You saw me run over here earlier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's talk about the breakup.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where does it happen at? Are you at a restaurant?

[Brian Redban]

It was via text.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, T Mobile.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Putting my service to the most test.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you leave her on red? Unbelievable. Put those jet skis in the air. Ladies and gentlemen, she is on fire. Oh, my God. Holy Jet Ski Johnson on tour.

[Brian Redban]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jet skijohnson.com Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle. Okay, back to the breakup.

[Brian Redban]

Back to the breakup. Okay, so, yeah, we got in a huge fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the fight about? Let me guess. You told her to get aids.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the fight about?

[Brian Redban]

The fight was about. We had, like, had a disagreement about some money, and then she expected me to read her mind and then started acting like a teenager. So I was like, no, I'm cutting it loose. Like, she started, like, being, like, vague booking about it and shit. And I was like, no, we're not done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How much money were you guys arguing over?

[Brian Redban]

Like 40 bucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 months of your life. Yeah. A woman that really liked you and you're willing to burn it all down the ground for.

[Brian Redban]

I could do better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. I love that you think that.

[Brian Redban]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

But she also, like, during that time, she was bipolar and went off her meds at the same time. Said the most heinous thing I've ever had anyone tell me to. I've been trying to sign up for the show a lot. Been here twice. She said, you're not funny enough to make it, but you are ugly enough to make it on kill, Tony.

[Andrew Schultz]

So good luck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, an honest woman.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, you're right. I should call. I should call her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All Right. Well, was that it? Just the breakup?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, the breakup. The losing my job. The very heavy bender I've been on since Wednesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say heavy bender before I let you go. We don't say heavy bender. Paint the picture for us. What's a heavy bender to you? A.38.

[Brian Redban]

I start drinking at like, 11 in the morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What do you start with?

[Brian Redban]

Miller Light, usually your Lone Star.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many of those do you go through? Do you switch to liquor? It's some point.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Around 1 1pm oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. And you were drinking while working at T Mobile, obviously.

[Brian Redban]

No, I don't drink at work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Redban]

Except for this job. Except for doing comedy. But no, don't drink at work. But yeah, I would get off of work at like 3, 4 in the afternoon, come home and a little shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little shots. So how many drinks total on a. Let's say on an off day, like you are now you're saying that you're on a bender. So how many drinks per day do you think we're going through now?

[Brian Redban]

I think I've had 15 today so far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, my God. This is incredible. We are. We are witnessing a slow suicide. This is amazing. Are you happy right now? Do you feel. Is this the most exciting thing that's. That's happened to you?

[Brian Redban]

Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it. Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. You should have heard them before you came out. They were quiet all night. Just absolutely silent. No. Very fun. I'll tell you what, Bryant. Normally a guy like you would leave here with a little joke book, but you know what I'm gonna do? Not only am I gonna give you a big joke book, because if you're gonna write a suicide note, you gotta do it right. But I'm also gonna give you a delicious can of nicked spearmint nicotine. It could help you. It could help you get off the bender that you're on. Perhaps. Nicotine has a lot of amazing qualities. There he goes. Brian. Thank you so much, everybody. Holy shit. All right, let's have some fun. We're gonna reset the room. Ladies and gentlemen, with one of the best regulars in the show's history. A goddamn anomaly. Make some fucking noise for one of your favorite comedians. This is Cam Patterson. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, yeah. I think we as a people should research cucks. We need to look into them a little more. Nobody. That's weird to me. I think about it a lot. I have a theory on why people do cuck. Shit. I Have an idea in my mind. I think it start, like real young, like somebody like 7 years old. And it's like a thunderstorm outside. And you don't sleep at your mom room no more. But you scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You scared.

[Cam Patterson]

So you gotta go in your mom room. Cause it's thunderstorm outside. You take your little teddy bear and your little blanket and you walk into your mom room and she end up just getting donkey fucked. Like, I mean, just head on foot, just. She getting just demolished in your face at your 7 7. She is getting fucked, like, hard. Like, hard as fuck, man. And you go to the. Who is this, man? Why is she doing this?

[Andrew Schultz]

And.

[Cam Patterson]

And why is my dick hard? And that's how we get started, right? And I really think it's usually just white people. That's. Y' all shit. Really, Y'.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

All.

[Cam Patterson]

You clapping. You scare me for that. That's terrifying.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I like shit like that, nigga. Hell yeah. The scariest part about the cuck shit to me as a black man is like, I'm your. I'm who y' all looking for. Which is scary, really. Like, I do shows all the time and people always come up to me like, hey, hey, she look good to you? You wanna fuck her? And I go, not for free. And I'm gonna tell you something, man. I told y' all this on the show before. My dick not huge, right? So I would feel weird going somewhere to fuck somebody wife. And I pull my dick out and he go, nigga, I could have did this. I've been counting that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Patterson.

[Andrew Schultz]

That was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get that a lot on a lot. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you've never done it?

[Cam Patterson]

No, my dad want me to a lot. Real bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does he get a cut of it?

[Cam Patterson]

He want me to. He want me. No, he just want me like, come

[Andrew Schultz]

on, you don't want to do that shit.

[Cam Patterson]

He always be like, nigga, you weak. You weak as hell. If I was 24, yo, a, I would have fucked the shit out that bitch. Let that nigga watch. My dad a weird nigga, man. He's a strange guy. Yeah, very strange guy. He scares me.

[Andrew Schultz]

I like how you translate it for yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love your dad.

[Cam Patterson]

I love him too. But he's crazy, dog. He a real fucking psychopath, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think would happen if a couple offered him that opportunity? You think he would do it?

[Cam Patterson]

He going missing for a couple hours, Somebody getting fucked. Some poor white lady getting fucked, dawg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

I told you that story when we was in Utah. He had this porn Star onlyfans lady. And she was like. She was in the green room just showing her pussy and my dad was like, this is the best day ever. I'm so excited for this. It was crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Andrew makes a great podcast Point. He turned to me, he said it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

It is a white thing, huh?

[Cam Patterson]

100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's not a black couple in the world that would invite red band to. No, but that. That situation does happen a lot to comedians like these Chuckle with their, like, slutty wives and stuff. It's happened to you. Oh, many times.

[Andrew Schultz]

Many times. And it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's disturbing because the girl's not. Not ever hot enough. Lie Detective. Dude, we're just such big fans. I really want you to. My wife. Cam, what else is going on, man?

[Cam Patterson]

Other day I was. I was. I was. I went. I went to Canada. Canada was cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah. I seen a red dot Indian nigga for the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Never seen one before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In person, pointing your Glock at

[Cam Patterson]

Tony. That was good. That was good as hell. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were at a convenience store and you go, give me everything in the red.

[Andrew Schultz]

Wait, wait, hold up. The red dot. Wait, hold on. Yeah, the red dot Indians you have seen before.

[Cam Patterson]

No, I haven't.

[Andrew Schultz]

You've never seen an Indian from India?

[Cam Patterson]

No, I've never seen one with the red dot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. Cam is.

[Andrew Schultz]

The other ones are the ones that we kind of got out of here.

[Cam Patterson]

I've seen. I've seen the one. The regular that did it. I've seen them. We got a sign. We have not seen before. Yeah, but I've never seen the goddamn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With the actual red dot.

[Cam Patterson]

I've never seen it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam was raised on the streets of Orlando, Florida.

[Cam Patterson]

Never seen a dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He never went anywhere. We've been. We've. On these. These interviews during this show, we've seen him see snow for the first.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

I was frolicking and I bet. Yeah, frolicking, probably.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

It was good.

[Cam Patterson]

Snow is nice. It like snow. You got to get gloves for that cuz it's cold.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

Real, real.

[Cam Patterson]

You know that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Was it a man or a woman that had the red dot?

[Cam Patterson]

Huh?

[Andrew Schultz]

Don't let the fre.

[Cam Patterson]

You know, it be cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Schultz]

So was it a man or a woman with the red.

[Cam Patterson]

It was a dude.

[Matt Gonzalez]

It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude.

[Andrew Schultz]

It was a dude with the.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay. Cuz usually it's. It's a woman that has it and signifies that she's married. So you met a gay Indian?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Say you Swear to God, dog.

[Andrew Schultz]

Swear to God.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't think his family would be cool with that.

[Jovan Afzali]

Where'd you meet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you.

[Cam Patterson]

Something tells me they wouldn't be cool with that at all, Dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you. Where'd you meet this guy?

[Cam Patterson]

I was in Canada. I was in Canada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, but where in Canada? I know it's a big country.

[Cam Patterson]

Not to me. I've only been to two places, Vancouver and Edmonton. That's all that. All it is to me right now. I was in Vancouver, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, but were you at a store? Were you bowling? Was.

[Cam Patterson]

You know where I was?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gay bar.

[Cam Patterson]

You know where I was, man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, at a store? You were at a convenience? Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Where they spawn at and like that, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, stop. Stop. And you saw the red dot? What? What did. Did you say anything to him?

[Cam Patterson]

No, I was just like, this is crazy. No, I heard about him a lot, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did he say to you? What was he like, stop looting, please. This is my livelihood. No, he just.

[Cam Patterson]

1762. That's what he said.

[Andrew Schultz]

He said 17. That was the price of.

[Cam Patterson]

The price of what I was.

[Andrew Schultz]

Did you swipe it over his dots?

[Cam Patterson]

I should have did that, dog. Would have been a hate crime, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, probably.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

That's crazy. We just saw a guy with a lot of red dots.

[Cam Patterson]

Tight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It's true. We went from chicken pox to chicken rocks. Over. All right, Cam, you're a superstar. You've done it again. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Not easy to write a new minute every single week at all. And he does it. Yep. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Matt Gonzalez. Everybody, here's Matt Gonzalez. Okay,

[Matt Gonzalez]

what up, white people? How y' all doing?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Y' all having fun? Have your fun now while there's still no black pickleball players. Because, I mean, I've saw Jackie Robinson, I saw Tiger Woods. You guys are going to be pissed when you see a black guy dunk a pickleball. And while we're on the topic of dunking the wnba, all those girls are. They can cross me over. That doesn't mean I want to watch them make a layup. I just think they'd have a lot more viewers if they started playing shirts versus skins. Like, one rule. Brittney Griner's always gonna be on shirts. Tell that kid to put his titties away. I was thinking about this the other day. All right, we'll end there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead. We Want to hear it? Matt Gonzalez, what were you thinking about the other day?

[Matt Gonzalez]

All right, I was thinking about. Don't ask me why I was thinking about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I might ask you why. You're in the interview part now. You're in the interview part now.

[Matt Gonzalez]

I mean, why are all dildos circumcised?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why were you thinking about that?

[Matt Gonzalez]

I just finished jacking off and I was looking at. I was like, man, why is it circumcised? I was like, who. Who owns Big Dildo?

[Jovan Afzali]

Like,

[Matt Gonzalez]

is it the Jews?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is the dill dough? Okay, Matt, welcome. If you've been on this show before, you look familiar.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah, I've been on before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, remind us all. What do you do for work?

[Matt Gonzalez]

I'm a mechanical designer. I make desks and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been doing stand up?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Probably about, like a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Year and a half. Good premise with the black pickleball players.

[Andrew Schultz]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Andrew Schultz]

Sorry, Matt.

[Matt Gonzalez]

You're good, man.

[Andrew Schultz]

I apologize. I had to use the bathroom.

[Matt Gonzalez]

You just missed.

[Andrew Schultz]

I heard you killed. That's what they. The guys back there said. So I apologize.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did good. He talked about there's no black pickleball players and enjoy it. Now, white people, because we. When they start just like with all other sports, they're gonna take over.

[Andrew Schultz]

That is like the cucking of sports, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

They're gonna get in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yeah.

[Matt Gonzalez]

White people just keep making new sports until black people get good at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Right. That's true. You should add that to your. Add that to the thing. Yeah. That's the new best part of the whole joke. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's called the X Games.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Now we do have to keep doing that. That's really interesting. And when you're white and you get older, those sports are really appealing.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Matt Gonzalez]

You just start doing, like four square with a net and. And like, spike ball. You guys like spike ball?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Matt Gonzalez]

You're Mexican.

[Will Hunsinger]

My bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spickball. Yes. It's joberg. He can say that because he Latino. Ladies and gentlemen. So, Matt Gonzalez, what have you been doing for fun? What does a guy like you do for fun, man?

[Matt Gonzalez]

I've been going to baseball games. This dude recognized me from the show at the baseball game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Matt Gonzalez]

He just like, I'm getting a beer. And he's like, yo, Hammock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what the. That's talking about. That was one of your jokes.

[Matt Gonzalez]

No, is all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would he call you Hammock?

[Matt Gonzalez]

We found out in the interview that I sleep in a hammock that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you still sleep on a hammock? Yeah. Wow. You love it?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love it?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah, I love it. I can't sleep any other way. I'm just like a. I need to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know who makes those screws.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's by choice, though, sleeping in the hammock. Just at a.

[Matt Gonzalez]

At this point.

[Will Hunsinger]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Matt Gonzalez]

It's like. It's been, like, too long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long? How long has it been?

[Matt Gonzalez]

It's been like two years, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been.

[Matt Gonzalez]

It's been like, two years still in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years in a hammock. You have. You have a sore back?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah. Actually, believe it or not, I go to the gym, and when I go to the gym, I lay down and, like, stretch my back. And every single time, I just lay flat and I'm like, wow, this feels good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you had a bed. What's your living situation? This is crazy that you.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Nothing changed. I still live.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't remember. We do this every week.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah. I still live with my grandpa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live with your grandpa? Yeah, he lives here.

[Andrew Schultz]

Does he sleep in a.

[Matt Gonzalez]

He sleeps in a normal bed.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Willy Wonka style. They sleep in the same hammock.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Sometimes I get cold. We cuddle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. But he sleeps in a normal bed.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And where is your hammock located?

[Matt Gonzalez]

In a totally different room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Andrew Schultz]

It's inside. It's indoor hammock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it in its own bedroom?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah, yeah, I got my own. It's a hammock room, not a bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a funny guy.

[Andrew Schultz]

Thank you.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are delivery? Yeah, it is delivery. It is you. You are. You have a real natural knack at being funny. Thank you. Do you do a lot of spots? You working hard?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah, I'm trying to go to spots every chance I get around town.

[William Montgomery]

Yep.

[Andrew Schultz]

All right. Can I ask you. Okay. And this might have been covered in the past episode, so forgive me. I've now missed both. When you bring a girl back to the hammock.

[Jovan Afzali]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

What is the immediate reaction from them?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? Are you gay?

[Brian Redban]

What was that fire tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John D's. What was. Oh, what is that, John?

[Andrew Schultz]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's taking credit.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay. Yeah. What is the reaction to that?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Usually the reaction is like, all right, I can make this work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Matti]

Wow.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

I thought it'd be a net loss.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. She is in full Jet Ski form tonight. We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen. The engines are fully operational on this Jet Ski. Holy shit. Wow. So you're with women that are so unbelievably easy that they see a hammock and they're like, let's fucking go, big daddy. Do you try to go back to their place, though? Like, like, like the whole time you're trying to sell, like, let's go back to your place?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Well, yeah, of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't want to see.

[Matt Gonzalez]

I don't want them to see it.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Like, what's your type? Swingers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is unbelievable. Let's switch spots. Let's switch spots. I'll play the trumpet. She's on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Jet ski. Jesse Johnson, Rochester, Nashville. I should have given you all my dates. Check them out.

[Andrew Schultz]

No, but seriously, what is the reaction?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah, no, My type is low hanging fruit, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. Unbelievable. The hammock jokes are going ballistic here on Kiltoni. Full swing. Incredible. From post to post, the hammock jokes are elevated. Incredible. Yeah. You can only do so many positions on that. Right. There is no doggy style that's out unless you just have her bent over the actual hammock. But you can't be on the hammock yourself. That would be an absolute disaster. A ticking time. He does it sideways. If I remember remember right?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yes, yes, that's correct.

[Andrew Schultz]

Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

You remember?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah, remembers any.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any anywhere the word ham is. Red band's watching through a window. Okay.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

A hammock, a baconic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A cake.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She likes black co. What? Red band. Stick with the soundboard. All right, Matt Gonzalez. What? Is there anything else crazy? Any other updates we should know about your life since the last time you

[Andrew Schultz]

were on where can people see you do you do stand up here?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah, I do stand up at small bars around town, between trees all over the country.

[Jovan Afzali]

He is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might recognize them from between two ferns with that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yeah. Really? Just hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Catch them floating around all around town. So what's the longest set you've ever done?

[Matt Gonzalez]

Probably like 10 minutes. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love to have you do a short set at the Secret show. Wow, look at that. And you already have a big joke book, right? You got a small one last time.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Matt Gonzalez]

You took it away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why did I take away your small joke book?

[Matt Gonzalez]

I already had one. You took it away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A small joke book?

[Jovan Afzali]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so you've been on twice before. Both times you've been given a small joke book.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. That's where all the hard work gets you. Matt Gonzalez. Now, I'm gonna tell you, when I pulled this out, I noticed its special quality right away because, take note, the drummer's name is Michael Gonzalez. We sent him off to enjoy the show from the upper balconies for the first time ever. And since then, I've pulled a Brian Smith. A Cam Patterson, obviously was set to go up, and a Matt Gonzalez. And now, ladies and gentlemen, in an unbelievable turn of events, your next comedian goes by the name of Peter Gonzalez. Everybody, everybody. This is your third Gonzalez on stage tonight. This is an anomaly. Make some noise one more time for Peter Gonzalez.

[Peter Gonzalez]

What's up? How's everybody doing? That's good, bro. I'm from San Antonio. Yeah, I recently left San Antonio, and people always ask me why I left San Antonio. And the answer is, I just got tired of remembering the Alamo. That's like San Antonio's motto, you know. Every year ago, people are like, hey, do you remember what happened? I'm like, no, I don't. And it's not because I'm an asshole or anything. I'm just tired of, like, white people giving me tests, you know? Like, I was at the Alamo Starbucks, and the waitress, she tells me, hey, can I get a name for your order? And can I also. Can you also tell me who won the Battle of the Alamo? And I was like, nah, bro. Next question. Yeah, I've been in Austin for a couple months now. Yeah, bro. Yeah, been here for a couple months and I like it, man. It's really different, you know, like, they got a lot of, like, white homeless people here. Yeah, bro. Like, white homeless people are way different than regular homeless people, you know, like, like this guy paid my college tuition off and shit. Yeah, bro. It was like meeting Santa Claus on heroin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Peter. Thank you, everybody. Let's just get right into it. Peter. Yeah, Andrew, go ahead, get us.

[Andrew Schultz]

How long have you been doing stand up?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Two years.

[Andrew Schultz]

You're gonna be good.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Oh, I appreciate it.

[Andrew Schultz]

No, no, I, I, I'm not being facetious. I genuinely believe you're gonna be good. I'm figuring things out right now. But you got. I know it sounds crazy, it looks like I'm being sarcastic, but you're going to be fucking good.

[Peter Gonzalez]

I appreciate it, man. I love your shit.

[Andrew Schultz]

Keep at it. Keep at it. But I genuinely believe if you keep at it, you're going to be good.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Thank you.

[Andrew Schultz]

I love interesting energy. There's like a cool gravity. Obviously, the jokes are going to get there, whatever, but they, yeah, jokes are shitty. It's two years in, none of us were fucking good. Two years in the point Is you have something. I kind of just wanted you to keep talking.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Appreciate it, bro. Thank you.

[Andrew Schultz]

Remember, like, when you. When that joke didn't go over and you're like. Anyway, so. Yeah. Moved it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then. Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

They started laughing because there's something about you. So keep at it. I genuinely believe it's gonna take a while, as it does for all of us, but I. I'm excited for you, man.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Thank you, Andrew. I appreciate it, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Never do that Alamo joke again, though. If it doesn't hit here, it's never gonna hit anybody. What?

[Andrew Schultz]

The Alamo is no one.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

Got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got.

[Andrew Schultz]

So we don't remember, like.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Like some local humor type.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't want to do that. People want to know about you, not your outlook on some old historical site. Yeah. You also said white people are different than regular homeless people, though.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Well, I meant, like, there's more white homeless here. Like, it's just a lot more than San Antonio. There's a bunch of Mexicans in San Antonio right here. It's like, you know, I mean, some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about it. Peter, what do you do for work right now?

[Peter Gonzalez]

I work at an Office Depot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do at an Office Depot? Do you stand outside looking for secretary work?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Nah, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That deserves a bigger life, for sure. Because Mexicans are usually at Home Depot.

[William Montgomery]

All right?

[Andrew Schultz]

That's how you know they're coming up in the world, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They was at the office, standing outside of an obvious taxes accounting.

[Andrew Schultz]

Who got some W2s H? I think you're W2 right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

W those.

[Andrew Schultz]

Write that off. Write off everything, fool. Okay, sorry.

[Peter Gonzalez]

I'm nervous, so I'd love to be laughing right now. I'm just nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're okay. You're doing great, buddy.

[Andrew Schultz]

Compelling. It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[Andrew Schultz]

Appreciate it.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing just fine. You're the third funniest Gonzalez that's been on the stage tonight. God damn, you're doing great. No, you're doing fine.

[Andrew Schultz]

Office Depot. What do you do at Office Depot?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Yeah, I mean, like a salesman. I, like, sell paper to white people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sell me some paper right now. Give them this single spotlight. I want you to sell me some.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Well, I'm about to get fired because I make such little sales.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you're doing great. They love you.

[Peter Gonzalez]

But, yeah, I'm a pretty shitty salesman. Honestly, I just throw out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's go. Full lights back up. We gave it a shot.

[Andrew Schultz]

So let's say me and Tony walk in, and we're just like, listen, man, we ran out of paper, bro. We need some paper back.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Yeah. Sir, can I help you to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Peter Gonzalez]

See, I'm shitty, bro.

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, bro, we need paper, bro. We need some paper. We have nothing for our printer.

[Brian Redban]

What do we do?

[Peter Gonzalez]

What kind of paper? Would you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Like. Like, what are you looking for? Like, you're looking for, like, a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I want. I want some nice stationary, actually. I like. I like fancy paper with, like, borders or something like that. You. Can you tell me where the.

[William Montgomery]

Don't say borders or papers to a Mexican guy.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm.

[Andrew Schultz]

I'm waiting for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joelberg. Joelberg. All right. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

So.

[Andrew Schultz]

So you sell papers to Mexicans?

[Peter Gonzalez]

I sell green cards. Green card paper to Mexican.

[William Montgomery]

Mexicans.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but there are a lot of Mexicans that come in and need help, like, getting their green card. That's basically what I'm for. No, they walk in and I translate. I'm like, that green card. They're like, yeah. And I take them to the printer and help them out.

[Andrew Schultz]

Call ice. And you're like, they're here. Get them.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Exactly.

[Andrew Schultz]

Get them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get them.

[Andrew Schultz]

We got another one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Peter, what do you like to do? How old are you?

[Peter Gonzalez]

I'm 31.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

31. What do you do for fun? You go to San Antonio and hang out with the muchachas?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Pretty much, like, go see family in San Antonio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but what do you do for fun? How does a guy like you let loose?

[Peter Gonzalez]

I don't know, bro. I'm pretty boring. I just, like, smoke weed, sit at home and write jokes, perform a couple of times a week, and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, there must be something. You must have a hobby, something you like.

[Peter Gonzalez]

I play soccer, like. Oh, like Sunday. Amateur soccer league.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Yeah. Play with, like, 30 illegal max skins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Peter Gonzalez]

They've all been deported since. So it's just me now.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

That's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it.

[Brian Redban]

Goals.

[Andrew Schultz]

That is good strategy, though. Like, if you're playing, like, the really good team in the league and, you know, a couple of guys shouldn't be here.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Right? Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Andrew Schultz]

You make a phone call.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Right, right, right, right, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Peter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Are you in a relationship right now?

[Peter Gonzalez]

No, I haven't been. I mean, a relationship in a couple months, honestly. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened a couple months ago? What happened with that girl?

[Peter Gonzalez]

I don't know. It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys argue over 40 bucks or something?

[Peter Gonzalez]

No, no. It's been a minute, honestly. Yeah, yeah, it was like this white girl I was with, but it wasn't

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

really, like, where'd you meet the white girl a lot?

[Peter Gonzalez]

At my job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Peter Gonzalez]

That's the only way I get laid. I just. Migros. At my job.

[M]

I don't really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you can't spell deport without depot. I just. That is true. That is true. So she came in Office Depot. What was she looking for? This one?

[Peter Gonzalez]

No, this was when I worked at Target. Like she was a coworker. Yeah, she's a coworker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. She's a coworker at Target. Yeah. And then how did it go down? You guys were in the break.

[Peter Gonzalez]

We just smoked weed together.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In your car? Yeah. Yeah.

[Peter Gonzalez]

And eventually we just kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Car is it. What kind of. Honda Civic is it?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Toyota Camry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Toyota Camry.

[Peter Gonzalez]

I don't have a car anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolute twin sister of the Honda Civic. For those of you. Yeah. Is it white? What? Is it white?

[Peter Gonzalez]

No, it's blue.

[Andrew Schultz]

What happened to your car?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Huh?

[Andrew Schultz]

What happened to your car?

[Peter Gonzalez]

I don't know. The engine just blew up one day, like a couple months ago, it just exploded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you don't know how to fix it?

[Peter Gonzalez]

No, I'm bad. I'm horrible. I'm the worst.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would have asked you.

[Peter Gonzalez]

No, no. I'm the worst Mexican ever, bro. I can't speak Spanish, can't fucking fix cars, can't clean shit. I'm bad. I'm very bad. I'm a disappointment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You make up for it by playing soccer every Sunday.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Thank you.

[M]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Peter, what scares you? Are you afraid of anything?

[Andrew Schultz]

This?

[Peter Gonzalez]

This?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Peter Gonzalez]

That's stage fright.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stage fright. Other than that, what else? Come on. There must be something.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Like, what scares me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have a nightmare or something like that.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Something.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Nightmares?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

N. I love Mexican.

[Peter Gonzalez]

I really don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nightmares?

[Peter Gonzalez]

No, I don't really have, bro.

[Andrew Schultz]

What happened when you found out your name was called?

[Peter Gonzalez]

What?

[Andrew Schultz]

Like, what happened when you found out your name was called? You were going to go on tonight. What was that feeling?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Like I was excited, bro.

[M]

Like, I Lowkey.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Knew it was gonna happen. I don't know why. I just. Today I was ready.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was just like.

[Peter Gonzalez]

I don't know why. Yeah. I just knew it. I was just Right. I was just smiling. Just ready. I got poor. Poor choices. Just kind of motivated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could feel it when you went there today. Yeah. Yeah.

[Peter Gonzalez]

I don't know. I just felt it. I was just feeling good today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have powerful instincts. Has that ever happened before where like, you thought something was gonna happen and then it happened?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Nah. No, usually I. No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I try to be you are funny. I love this kid, man. Schultz was right about you. There's something in there. Keep doing it. Keep working hard. Don't ever do the. But make me a promise you'll never do the Alamo joke again. Okay?

[Andrew Schultz]

All right.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Never again, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Funny ass joke.

[Andrew Schultz]

I think he has some great advice, which is just like, kind of talk about yourself, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talk about.

[Andrew Schultz]

About what you're going through and, yeah, we're interested in it, clearly.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're crazy likable, bro.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You look like a Pixar character was an encanto.

[Peter Gonzalez]

All right, well, appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Peter Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Peter Gonzalez. All right, your next buck bucket pole goes by the name of Tyler Langloid. Tyler Langloy. Here we go. Make some noise one more time, everybody. These people wait all day for this Tyler Langloid.

[M]

Hey, everybody. How's it going? You guys all seem very cool. You seem very nice. I was not cool growing up. And actually in elementary school and middle school, my classmates used to make fun of me and say that I gave off serial killer vibes. But now that I've watched every serial killer documentary on Netflix, I realized that those were compliments. Yeah, most of those guys are pretty damn charming. It's like, oh, you think I look like the kind of guy who can trick a woman into getting in my car? Thank you. I don't know why so many girls like serial killers. Like, I feel like I know so many girls who are obsessed with serial killers. Like, Ted Bundy murdered women and then had sex with their bodies. And they saw his picture in the newspaper and they were like, I can fix him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he is. Tyler Langloid. Hi, Tyler.

[Andrew Schultz]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your first time on the show, correct?

[Peter Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[M]

Like, I think, like, eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight years? Where at?

[M]

Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of it in Jersey?

[M]

Yeah, Jersey. Philly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You still live in Jersey?

[M]

Yeah, I flew in this afternoon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[M]

Just for this, I'm hanging out for a week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sweet. Awesome. Look at you. Lucky guy. Eight years from Jersey. What do you do for work in Jersey?

[M]

I work at a pizzeria.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A pizzeria. That is so Jersey. It's as Jersey as it gets. Like the last guy playing soccer on Sundays. How long you been working at a pizzeria?

[M]

Too long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[M]

How long is that right now? Like, for this time, three years. But then there's been some other stretches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are we doing a thin crust, deep dish? What are we talking about?

[M]

We're doing thin crust. We're doing regular. We actually had Dave Portnoy at our pizza pizzeria last week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Andrew Schultz]

What Was the rating?

[M]

7.4.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's really good.

[Andrew Schultz]

Solid rating.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is really good. Did you happen to make that pizza that day?

[M]

No, I took the phone call.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And it said Dave's gonna be coming in around three or something like that.

[M]

Well, I found out that I guess New Jersey has like a pizzeria spy network anytime he's in town. So we got a phone call at like 11am it's like Dave's in town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[M]

And then we were just prepared all day.

[Andrew Schultz]

That's my question. If you know he's coming, is it a different pizza than you're normally serving?

[Matt Gonzalez]

It was.

[M]

We were like, if someone orders just a plain pie, let let the guys know because we're making it special.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah. Wow. Ah. So that 7.4 is not legit. I don't want to on the people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every place is like that, right? Exactly.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're in on it. What's the name of the pizza place?

[M]

Romeo's. Italian American Romeo's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Italian American Romeo's.

[M]

My boss is going to be so happy about this.

[Matt Gonzalez]

Good.

[Andrew Schultz]

That was a really funny joke by the way.

[M]

Thank you.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, that was a really good joke. Thought that was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys can't see this, but your lack of ass is insane. Let's see it. Turn around for us. Let's see that.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My. My God. It's incredible. It is incredible.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Thin crust.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got that New York style ass.

[Andrew Schultz]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He looks like a dog standing up, bro. That's crazy. Oh my God.

[M]

I'm. I'm working on it. I. I used to be like £400.

[Andrew Schultz]

So you lost. You lost weight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bravo.

[Andrew Schultz]

Bravo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How do you lose weight all out of your ass?

[M]

I didn't. I never had one. It was worse before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[M]

I had negative ass before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. How 400 pounds. How did you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost.

[M]

Honestly, I started just going on walks and smoking a lot of weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got the weed part down. Yeah, but the walk thing, I mean like how far over a walk do you do?

[M]

Like five miles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. Okay.

[M]

Yeah, like three times a week. Five miles. Then I go to the gym.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what do you do at the gym?

[M]

Just lift some weights. Usually get high for that too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no problem.

[M]

I gotta trick myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Absolutely incredible. What, what else about you? What else about you? Tyler? Tell us more about your life. Your parents live in Jersey, your whole Family's there?

[M]

Yeah, I live with my whole family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live with your whole family?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How big is the family?

[M]

I got two brothers, a sister, and then also my one brother's and my sister's significant other live with us too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They all live in the same house. How many bedrooms is this house?

[M]

Three upstairs and two in the basement.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you in the basement?

[M]

Of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course. Basement energies if I've ever seen them before. It is absolutely incredible. The home of the flat ass people. They all go to the basement. So we are. We do a special thing here. You got a 7.4 from Dave Portnoy. But here on Kill Tony, we do a special thing. We go on Yelp and we go to the lowest reviews possible. I'm going to read a one star review from Romeo's Italian Kitchen. Ordered an Italian hot dog. You make Italian hot dogs?

[M]

I don't make anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But your place makes Italian hot dogs. Yeah, right. What exactly is an Italian hot dog? I am Italian American. I. If anyone should know what an Italian hot dog is, it should be me. Explain to me what that is. Is it just a hot dog with marinara sauce and cheese on it?

[M]

It's like more of a sausage than a hot dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[M]

It's got some, you know, onions, peppers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love mustard on it. Okay, let's go back to this. I ordered an Italian hot dog. I had to re cook the hot dog in my air fryer. The smallest amount of potatoes I ever had. They come with a side of potatoes.

[M]

Oh, there's potatoes on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Mozzarella sticks. Also not cooked well. They are so chewy, unpleasant to eat. Will not go back there. From Nancy 11 months ago. You worked there 11 months ago.

[M]

I did. We got new mozzarella sticks since then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Perfect. Bruce one year ago, says, I ordered ordered two salads for delivery. When they arrived, they were crammed in a bag that was so small they were spilling out. The delivery guy tosses the salads and they shockingly don't get caught and spill all over the ground. He tells my girlfriend it's her fault, she should be more careful and leaves. Why wasn't my order replaced at no charge? Why is your delivery guy a psycho who blames others when his only job is handing off food without dropping it all over the ground and then. And leaving her to clean it up? Why do you use bags? So inappropriate for these items? I'm sure others have called you out on it. You disgust me and open my eyes to the joys of doordash. Take care. There's a lot of questions. Would you like to answer any of them? Okay. Over two years ago, my wife and I found it interesting that the counter guy, the one that thinks he's really cool, was wearing sweatpants with the word yikes boldly displayed on the front of his crotch. The front? What the fuck? This is crazy. Nice attire for a family establishment. We ate our bland pizza and left, vowing to never return. Vowing? Who says vowing on a one star? I mean, you must know. You worked there every day. You must know. The guy that wore the sweatpants with yikes across the front, was it you?

[M]

It was not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't you, but we caught you on the camera. Tony cooking pizzas on the sofa.

[M]

All right, I know the guy who thinks he's very cool, but I have not seen the yikes pants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here we go.

[M]

Maybe he's retired them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boss G with 11 likes updated over 3 years ago. Says greasy shit. You can tell it's greasy. You can tell it's literal sweaty pizza and is so terrible. I had a terrible experience with the. Survive. Took way too long.

[M]

Are we. There's a couple Romeos. Is this the right Romeos?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[M]

What's the. What's the address?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is the one on Elton Adelphia. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, I like your style. Tyler, you're leaving here with a big joke, but congratulations.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I can't wait to check out your pizza soon. Like, it's going to be great.

[M]

Thanks.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[M]

Even stepping up our game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. No, then, by the way, those were just the one star reviews. Overall, it sits at a four and a half stars. 39 reviews. Yeah. 99 reviews. 4.3 stars. Bravo.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yeah, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's red. Band doesn't know how to read, everybody. That's why it's red Band. Not read band, everyone. All right, there he goes. Great stuff. Tyler Langloy, everybody. All right, let's get one last bucket pull out there. Is that cool? You guys have a little energy. Your final bucket pull of the night has the kind of name where he's probably eating out of Romeo's pizza before. Make some noise for Vinnie Rauchi, everybody. Vinnie Rauchi. Oh, hell yeah. This guy must be the owner. All right, one more time for Vinnie Rauchy, everyone.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Ah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Can you guys imagine if races were contagious? You know, like the common cold. And you get it for five to 10 days. You wake up one morning with a mild case of Mexican. You're like, fuck. But the next day you got all your landscaping done yourself, but all the drinks you have between those five to 10 days are warm because you're afraid of ice. Something to think about. Or you wake up with a case of Caucasian and your credit report is up 123points. Or you got to call into work and you're like, boss, I'm not going to make it in today. I'm feeling really. That's on you. That's on you. I didn't say anything. Hey, you guys hear about that New Mexican?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going, keep going.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

But that New Mexican weight loss, immigration pill. Not only are you going to be losing weight and an Olympian at running, jumping and swimming, but you're also. Damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Oh, it's going to be called O Themspic. Sorry. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check, check, check. Yes, yes. Okay. All right, Finney, what's up? Hi, buddy. How are you?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I'm good. How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You remind me of something. I don't know what it is. It's not human. It's not you. It's not human.

[Ari Matti]

Wonderful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like something. It's like maybe it's like a puppy. It is.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

The lion sleeps tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Okay. You look like a fish that owns a pawn shop.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

A fish that owns a pawn shop?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kinda, yeah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was something to think about.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's your catchphrase?

[Andrew Schultz]

That's your catchphrase. Just say something about.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Something about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think happened there at the end? That joke that you forgot?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I knew I was coming up to a minute and I was contemplating not doing it, but then I felt there was a little bit of time and I tried going too quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing Stand up, Vinny?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

About three years. Doing it. Giving it my hundred percent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for a living?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I am a maintenance tech for the apartment complex that I live at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Where do you live?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

It's about 15 minutes north of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Far West Hills.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. And you do maintenance. Will you ever get a crazy maintenance call? What's the worst thing you ever had to do? You ever have to plunge a toilet?

[Brian Redban]

There's.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I mean, just the way some people live is. Is just. It's. It's ridiculous, Right? It's just ridiculous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're Italian, right?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I'm Italian, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a very clean guy.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I'm a neat freak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have like, black leather furniture. I'm picturing.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Right, I do have a black leather couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now that's Italian.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many thrones? How many thrones There you go. So, Vinnie Rauchi, you have a girl?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I do not.

[Andrew Schultz]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're single?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I am single.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been single for?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I haven't had a girlfriend a long time, bro. I was. Last time I was on here, we talked about. I was a virgin until I was 28 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on the show before.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah, I think I would remember a.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

That was Jeffrey Ross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think I'd remember a neck like that? What is that?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I don't have a neck.

[Andrew Schultz]

What do you mean?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I've been told I don't have a neck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you don't. Yeah, it's incredible. You never could have played football because the helmet would have scraped up against your shoulder pads. It's unbelievable, Vinnie. So, wow, 28. You lost your virginity?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that happen?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

How's that hooker in Amsterdam?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay. Yeah, but how did you not have sex before that? Did something happen when you were a kid, Vinny?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

No, no, I was always the good guy. I never. You know what? I was afraid of rejection. That's what it was. So I stayed the fuck away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's right. And how about lately? When's the last time you had sex with a hooker? At 28? How old are you now, Vinny?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I am 56. I just turned 56.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

56. So what's your body count? Since the hooker?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Since the hooker?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

That was 96. I would say 10, right. 10 or 12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

I mean, I feel like, you know, exactly. I don't feel like you lose count after 10.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I, I mean, 10 or 12, no chance that it's 11.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

What were those two?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Well, I mean, I lost it to a hooker.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

And then I was there for a week, so I went back probably four

[Andrew Schultz]

times, but same hooker or different?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

No, different.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay, so now you're at five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

So you had sex with five girls in 96?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yep.

[Andrew Schultz]

And then over the next 30 years, you had sex with five more?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Six or seven. Honestly? Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Well, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Five or seven more. You don't know. Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

[Jovan Afzali]

Forearm.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

No, I, I, I, I would say 15 at the most.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Well, I mean, you, you, you made a good point.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

You were bringing it to light and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, 30 years. Who lies?

[Andrew Schultz]

Let's be honest. It's five, right? It's five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five, right?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

It was seven.

[Andrew Schultz]

Okay. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There we go. There we go. Vinnie, when's the last time?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

So I moved here in 2000. I, I moved here in 2021. So what? September of 2021.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2021?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yep. Because I was only here for a week and I was like, holy, I just got laid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened? How did you get laid that fast?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Picked her up in a bar. She was having problems with her cat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of problems? What kind of problems is she having with her cat?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

She was sad because her cat, she had to put it on medication and she went to the bar and drank a bottle of wine and I happened to be there to. To take advantage.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Schultz]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

True thirds. True thirds.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

Words.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. And. And then you get her back to your place.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I went back to her place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yep. And what was that like? Did you see the cat?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did it look sick? No, it looked fine.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

No, it didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's fine to you?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yeah, but it was on meds, so maybe the meds were working. I don't know. It was fun. It was a great time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you, did you pet the cat? Did you talk to the cat?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Cat, I pet both of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Y. Oh, yeah.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Do you go down on her? Fania box. Wow. Redban getting verbal red. Verbal red ban. Everybody okay. Vinnie Rouchi taking a girl to the black couchy.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Bro, your arms look long as.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Dude, my arms?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that is a thing. That is one of the things.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Training arms with a monkey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bro, your arms are crazy.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I do have long arms. I, I. My dress shirts, they never fit. Never. It's the arms, arms and the neck. I really appreciate you guys building my self esteem here. I already told you, I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, what are we, what are we going to do? Affect your game. Help a brother out.

[Cam Patterson]

Stop making.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want compliments, go to Amsterdam and pay for them.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Yeah. 50 gilders.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Vinnie, thank you so much for coming back. Did you get a little joke book last time?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

I got a little one last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, then there you go. You already got one.

[Vinnie Rauchi]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Vinnie, Roy, everybody. How fun. All right, this is it. You know what time it is, everybody. There's only one way to end an episode like this. With the icon. Ladies and gentlemen. Some people call him God's gift to the universe. God himself said that. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine. The one and only William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Kamala Harris just signed with a major talent agency. And in all honesty, I didn't realize blowing people to further your career was considered a talent. Harriet the Spy died. Was she in Too deep. I heard she was asking too many questions. Michelle Trachtenberg is dead. Remember that show on VH1 called Behind the Music? And how in every episode the band was hotter than ever, but offstage, things were falling apart. Have y' all seen a Behind the Music lately?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Who got the last laugh? VH1.

[Andrew Schultz]

Fuck you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

VH1.

[Andrew Schultz]

Fuck you.

[William Montgomery]

Did y' all know Osama bin Laden made a skate video? Yeah, I listened to the audiobook. It's pretty decent. Okay, Tony, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, lights out.

[William Montgomery]

See, how did people. The Harriet the Spy joke. That's a wonderful joke. And nobody's laughing. I'm telling everybody backstage. Nobody's laughing backstage. We literally think, is this a horrible idea?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never in my life seen Red Band look up a joke in real time on his phone. He's like, what? The Harriet the Spy that. But that's the girl that died this week.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. I think she had a bad alcohol problem and had to get her liver replaced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We had a 38 year old up here earlier. If he's still alive, She's. Well, no, she's dead. So, William, very fun. What was that last thing that you trickled out there on at the end? What was that about?

[William Montgomery]

Just Osama bin Laden, the idea. He literally had a skate video. People don't realize that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Skate?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, skate like roller. Like rollerblading. Like a roller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rollerblading video. Okay.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, like, now that I know that and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He had a video of him rollerblading?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. No, he's a really big rollerblader. A lot of people don't know that about Osama bin Laden. They all think about 9, 11, all this bullshit. But he was actually a really good rollerblader. There were actually some skateboard videos. People loved him skateboarding. It's really cool. Seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

And I literally. They made it into an audiobook. And I literally was listening to the audiobook on the way to Cleveland on Friday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that say? Sound like the audiobook of him, rollerblad.

[William Montgomery]

Some Middle Eastern sounding guy, just kind of. Yeah, just this Middle Eastern guy describing Osama. What I was listening to was skateboarding. It was a lot of skateboarding. Just the different tricks. They're like, okay, he's going up into the pool. He just dropped in. He did a 360 on the way down. Just a lot of stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

And I know a decent amount about rollerblading, skateboarding, what have you. So I was able to really. I started getting into it recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you have rollerblades huh?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I have rollerblades.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. Are we. Are you and I gonna go to the Barton Street Mall or Barton Creek Mall and go rollerblading in there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think so.

[William Montgomery]

They let people on Wednesday mornings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we have a new arena entrance for you.

[Andrew Schultz]

Oh, my gosh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[William Montgomery]

What's Red Band doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll go with you guys, if you don't mind. You know how to rollerblade? Rollerblade? Are you serious? Yeah, dude. You have rollerblades?

[William Montgomery]

Yes, Tony. I feel like we would go and then we'd be like, hold on, where's Red Band? And we look behind us, and you're dying on the ground, having a heart attack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if he. I think. I think he has rollerblading and donut eating confused, but yeah. Red, when's the last time you went rollerblading? It actually has been a while. Like, I used to use it as an exercise, like going really fast up hills and then going down and trying not to die because there's no breaks. How many years ago was this? I would say five. Five years ago you were rollerblading uphills? I had all the protection. Knees, hands, belly. Everything.

[Peter Gonzalez]

Belly?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[William Montgomery]

That's unbelievable. I picture Red, man going uphill on rollerblades and just going backwards. There's no way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Zero percent.

[William Montgomery]

There's no way you would know how to fucking rollerblade up a hill. Seriously. There's no way. There's no way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way, no way.

[William Montgomery]

That take a ton of strength. There's. How do you even angle your feet on that when Red, man, you wouldn't even know how to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His knees would.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, they buckle like a fucking house falling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have great knees.

[Andrew Schultz]

Weak knees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have very weak knees. Wow. How do you know this? Because my. My knees pop out of place all the time. The top bone and the bottom going goes together. I happen at Skank Fest number one, Remember? Some dude, like, jumped on my knee. I do remember that.

[William Montgomery]

That's why he's not allowed to exercise. That's why he has to stay on the couch all day, because his knees click in and out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill. Bad knees over here. Okay, William, what's been going on this week?

[William Montgomery]

Well, I left Tony. I had a really good time last Monday just hanging out in Mitz. He's not. I get back out to my car, and my car's gone, and I think, oh. And then I come back here and one of the nice police officers talks to me and tells me that they took my license plate as well, so I'm thinking this is some weird conspiracy. Somebody's getting my ass. And I make it to the tow truck place at like 2am and my license plate is off the car. I have to spend $300 on that. I just spend $500 on the actual ticket. There's this nightmarish $800. I'm fucking $800 in the hole right now. I literally did buy a couple skateboards recently. Seriously. So this isn't good, but yeah. And then I. I finally have Texas plates now, though. I had my Tennessee plates on, so they. They ran the. I didn't realize I had had. I had a newer Tennessee license plate, and I didn't realize the numbers and letters were different on it. Tony. So they ended up running the plate. So it said it wasn't for my car, so they took the license plate. And then I'm at the tow truck place, just sleepy and feeling really grouchy and there's no place to fucking sit set. But, yeah, that happened last Monday. And then I went to Cleveland on Friday and Saturday and it was a lot of fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cleveland was fun. The lovely Hilarities.

[William Montgomery]

It was a bunch of fun. No, it was not at Hilarity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, where were you a.

[William Montgomery]

It wasn't improv. Now it's a funny bone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the what?

[William Montgomery]

Funny bone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[William Montgomery]

The funny bun. I mean, it was. Let's just say something else, Tony. Yeah, no, it was really nice. Had a very nice time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love it. And the shows went good. Everything's smooth.

[Andrew Schultz]

Yeah, shows were good.

[William Montgomery]

They were good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on?

[William Montgomery]

Anything else crazy in still just rowing? I'm 19,000 meters since yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Three hours of sleep. Go fucking row 10,000 fucking meters. Listen to a bunch of Beck. His old school Beck. I'm back in my days of partying in fucking la, doing my blow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

So it was exciting. And then I went back. Today I'm addicted to it now. I get real addicted to stuff. So when it's cocaine and alcohol, it was a real nightmare. But now I'm just addicted to the rowing. So that's, luckily, I think, a lot more healthy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're addicted to. Addicted to rowing. You have been addicted to many things. Would you like to list off some of the things that you've been addicted to to this audience? Fuck.

[William Montgomery]

I mean, obviously Puzzles went through a giant puzzles phase and actually bought a puzzle table. I fucking bought myself a puzzle table for Christmas and I haven't used it. It's sitting behind One of the doors. It's this wonderful puzzle table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you done puzzles on a normal table since then?

[William Montgomery]

I was doing it on a little card table. No, I haven't done any puzzles. I just stopped and I have probably eight unopened puzzles at my place right now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What made you stop?

[William Montgomery]

It just got so hard looking for the little pieces. Looking for the little pieces. Like you gotta look for the border at the beginning. Like, that starts turning into a nightmare. It's like, okay, I'm looking for another border piece. Then you look for the specific colors. And then it just starts becoming such a drag. And it's so nice. Joel and Jesse are here tonight. It's so nice. It's like we're back at the Comedy Store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a family reunion here. A lot of fun energies here. Would you like to list off some more things that you were addicted to before we let you out of here?

[William Montgomery]

Prune juice. I'm currently addicted to prune juice. Tony. I had some squirts earlier. Y I get back from Cleveland last night, I'm farting so bad. I had to sleep out on the couch. It was bad. I'm farting all the time if I don't drink my prune juice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

All brain buds. That's another kind of doo doo related thing. Super addicted to those things. Used to love whippets. Still love whippets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went through a whip it phase.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, yeah. First time I ever heard fish, the band Fish. I was doing whippets in my buddy's Volvo in high school, and then they came up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what it takes to make fish sound good?

[Andrew Schultz]

Yes.

[William Montgomery]

Yes. Board games. I was really.

[Andrew Schultz]

What was the hardest one to break? What was the hardest addiction to break?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I mean, raisin bread. That was a big one. I don't know. It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you for whoever said that. That was a huge one. But actually, I was watching a video video on YouTube about Dollywood, and they have this wonderful raisin bread. And it was making me think last night, I need to go to the store and buy some raisin bread. But I didn't. I held strong, but it was the best looking raisin bread at Dollywood. It almost broke my sobriety on that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I have to stop doing that. Seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. But right now, rowing's the thing.

[William Montgomery]

Rowing's the thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With no end in sight.

[William Montgomery]

No end in sight. Now I want to get across the Atlantic. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, really?

[William Montgomery]

That's my goal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we would love that. Oh, we would. We would love that. We would sponsor that here at Kiltoni. We would.

[William Montgomery]

Well, if we actually did it, there'd have to be boats around me, but we could maybe do that. How cool would that be?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know, I think the real way to. I think the real way to do it is with no boats around you. I think the real way to do

[William Montgomery]

it, we go out there and you're the Atlantic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fearless. Yeah. Price picks. Yeah. Okay. What? What'd you say?

[Vinnie Rauchi]

No.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, well, let's think about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But the rowing, it's every day and there's no end in sight, huh?

[William Montgomery]

No, I pretty much think I ain't

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

ever gonna stop rowing. William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. For the love of the God, you have no excuse. You absolutely must. Every single goddamn one of you. This is an order. You go to Netflix and watch life right now and you enjoy the out of it. Andrew Schultz, the great and powerful. How loud can this place get for Andrew Schultz? Another homework assignment April 16th. You go to YouTube don't tell comedy and you support the great Derek posting. Everybody truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. How about one more time? Vroom, vroom. Jet ski Johnson. She's on Tour. Jet ski johnson.com. portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle. All these amazing places and much, much more. No doubt about it. How about one more time for the great return of Joelberg? Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Lesser known characters and dogs of browntown are two of his podcasts. He has a huge show. Him and jet ski have a huge show at The Comedy Store March 19 called Offbeat and they play music and they are hilarious, obviously. Thank you to nicked nykd. Those are nicotine pouches. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. Actually. Check this out. This is a view, guys. Ryan draws these while he's in Los Angeles. Let's check in with the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. What has he got? Ari, Maddie. Ari, Maddie. On overdosing on testosterone. Absolutely incredible. It's the incredible Ari. It's Ari Leno, everybody. How about we one more time for the best damn band in the land. Groove line, horns. How about one more time? Michael Gonzalez watching from somewhere. Oh, there he is. Big Mike. He's going to play us out. Thank you everybody. God bless Kil. Tony Red band. Check out sunsetstripatx.com Love you guys. London is been announced the O2 Arena Arena. Whatever you do, I can't. Maybe there won't even. There shouldn't even be tickets available. I can't believe. And by the way, we're going nowhere else. People have been asking, are you going to Ireland? Are you going to Germany when you're in Europe? Fuck no. One night. The O2 Arena. If you live in Europe, you go to the fucking O2 arena and see us. We're not coming to Germany. We're not going to Paris. You fly to London. This is your chance. All right, everybody. Everybody have a good time tonight. Schultzie, anything else?

[Brian Redban]

Thank you, bro.

[Andrew Schultz]

This is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you so much.

[Andrew Schultz]

Love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you.

[Andrew Schultz]

Love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God bless America. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.

[Sammy Blumenthal]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.