Tony Hinchcliffe (0:00)

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Two huge announcements. Next week's episode will exclusively be on Netflix on April 7th. Kill Tony can only be found for the first time ever on Netflix. So go to your Netflix app, set the reminder, set it in your calendars, tell everyone you know. Another huge announcement right now. Madison Square Garden. We are coming back to beautiful New York City City August 16th. This is your chance to get tickets for the show. It sells out. It sold out twice last year and we are starting with August 16th. Tickets go on sale with a special artist pre sale this Wednesday, April 2nd at 10am using the promo code KILL2025. And then tickets will be on sale for Everybody this Friday, April 4th. But I highly recommend you use the artist pre sale. That's when it sold out last year. Using the promo code kill 2025@ticketmaster.com Very few tickets left for Nashville this Friday and we're going to be there Saturday too. I think that's sold out. And London, England, June 7. These are the episodes of Kill Tony in which you have a chance of getting tickets. So go to Ticketmaster.com use the passcode kill 2025 for Madison Square Garden tickets. We'll see you in Nashville. We'll see you in London. Tickets for Those available@tonyhengecliffe.com We'll see you soon. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the comedy mothership for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Yippee. Make some noise for Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. You are 80. You're in the eye of the goddamn storm. The number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Shopify. Bluechew, nicked via openphone. And to Cova's boots. How about a hand for the best stand band in the land, huh? Have you ever seen anything like that before? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike on the drums, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar and D Madness on the bass. Ton Tonight, ladies and Gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start the show or what? As always, two of the best guests humanly possible. I mean, an absolute legend. One of them is a front runner for guest of the year 2025. The other is a guy who we have worked with for 18 years and is a Comedy Store legend. Ladies and gentlemen, if you love this show, you're gonna love tonight's guest. Make some noise for Sam Talent and Ian Edwards, everybody. Oh, my. Sam Talon, Ian Edwards, live in the flesh. Two of the best. We are gonna have some fun here tonight. Sam Talent, an absolute freak machine. His book Running the Light is available everywhere right now. No doubt about it. Every single place that books are sold. Sam has a great book. I'm telling you, you podcast fans, you listen to a lot of podcasts, you listen to a lot of things. Read a fucking book. Read Running the Light by Sam Talent. It's an easy read. It's a lot of fun. It's every comedian that you know. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book, and he's got a book. No, you read it, you turn the pages and it stays the same. And you read it. It's $18. $18. Available everywhere. Books are sold. Here's what Shane Gillis had to say. You'd never expect this abomination of a man to write such beautiful prose, but Sam Tallent has done it. Wow, what a book. So if glowing praise like that doesn't sell this thing, please. Random House reissued it. It's available where all books are sold March 25th. And thank you to kill Tony for being so nice to me. Thank you. Make some noise for Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen, here, one of the greats. Comedy star, like I should have wrote something before I came here. Has not written a book. But he does have a new special on YouTube. Follow him on Instagram. His YouTube and Instagram is the scene. It's Ian Edwards, comic. You guys have both been on the show multiple times. I. I'm proud to announce that it is a record. 309 human beings signed up. Yeah, all you gotta do, kids. Make your own show. Do it every Single Monday for 12 years. Make a big Netflix announcement and you too will be bigger than ever. 309 humans, just absolute crackheads hoping to get on stage. Some real talented comedians from all around the world mixed in here, no doubt. But the odds of us pulling one of them are so Low. Absolutely so low. Most likely just a homeless crazy person. We all know it, but we love it. That's what this show is. Absolutely anything can happen. They get a minute uninterrupted, and then I conduct an absolutely insane improvised interview. You know their time is up. When you Hear that cat, 60 seconds is up. They get a little more time or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then the interview begins. The whole thing is chaos and fun. Hopefully. You guys ready to start tonight's show while they go wrangle that comedian from next door? We're gonna start with a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. One of the Jewiest little sweet boys to ever win a golden ticket. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted by Jack Sh. Hey, guys. I'm very happy. I just got an acting manager. I've always wanted to be an actor and I don't love the types of auditions that they're sending me out for. The first audition I ever got was for a college student who gets the shit kicked out of him. And I don't know if you know how acting works, but a casting director saw my face and said, this kid is perfect to have the shit kicked out of him. And then my favorite audition I got was for creepy 80s porn projectionist, which I fucking nailed. And then most recently, I went out for dumb guy number two who is sensitive to sound and cannot make eye contact. So I think my type is fucking autistic. And turns out I did well because I got a callback for that role and it was down to me and a guy named Trevor who was like severely autistic. And somehow I got the part, guys. So thank you guys so much. There you go. A minute from Jack Shaw. Let's jump right into it. Jack, you were able to get an acting manager? Yeah. Wow. How were you able to do that? Through my comedy manager. What's your comedy manager's name? Matt Sadegian. Sadiqian. That's maybe I got a nice saran. That's not a real Siddiquian. Yeah. Is that Armenian? I think he's Iranian. Uh. Oh, I'm guessing that's a problem for you. Is he Jewish? Yeah. No. Really? You have a non Jewish someone like you as a non Jewish? And how about your acting manager? Is that Jewish? Yes. Okay, there you go. Right on schedule. Gotta control the game somehow. Interesting. You look like an anti Semitic puppet dude. What's going on in your pocket? What's in there, man? I'm Playing with my penis, dude. I said, all right. I got to be comfortable somehow. Sam. Game respects game. Yes. Playing with your little dreidel down there. Absolutely adorable. If you spin it, I'll come. Okay. All right. So you're really an actor, Jack? I didn't know this about you. Yeah, I've always wanted to. I've always wanted to act. You've always wanted to act? Have you ever done it before? Yeah, dude. What have you done? That, that commercial I was talking about. It was a Spectrum commercial. You're on it. That is amazing. Absolutely incredible. And what'd you do on the commercial? I had a lot. I, I, I, I, I, I. Jesus fucking Christ, you people. All right. You invited me here. I know, I know, I know. You asked me to come on the show. I know. So you can go. I know. We do that sometimes. We invite you people on trains and such. You might know. We take a free ride, dude. I know. So what'd you do on the commercial? I said. Is that a metaphor? That's it. That's it. Well, I sold. We should have said, we're on the Spectrum. Okay, all right. Shouldn't have said that. Maybe not. Well, I did that joke about 30 seconds ago. Yeah, well, they loved it. You were right there. Yep. You gotta get your hand off your little fucking hidden cock. How about other acting things? What else have you done acting wise, Jack? I did a. I was on a. I played a lawyer, of course, On a Hulu. Did a Hulu show that's coming out. That's pretty cool. I guess. What do you do in that? What's your big scene in that? I say. Well, I'm defending an orphan. Ah, Guess what? That orphan's going to jail. Oh, he lost the case. Totally blew it for that. Wow. In a dream world. What kind of acting gig would you like to have? Oh, I would. I really want to be in Star Wars. Really? What kind of character do you think you could play in Star Wars? I would like to be some sort of a Jewish Jedi. Wow. That's redundant, man. You'll get killed faster than the black guy. I'm an ally, dude. There's no allies in space. A Jewish Jedi. I can't really picture you doing that, Yoda. This is not the price you're looking for. Yeah, two for one. You will see. Sell me this at 20% discount. We'll be taking all of this land. Mr. Vader, it appears as if, though, you're having trouble breathing. Would you like some of my allergy medicine? Oh, the Death Star's so hot. Wow. Star wars with you Juju Binks over here or Jar Jar Banks also works. Yeah, you mean Star wars or Spaceballs 3? So, Jack, what else is going on in life before we get you out of here? Yeah, man, I, I, oh, I prepared a speech. Was that a list of people to kill? Yeah. The hostages in the Palestine must be released immediately. The fuck do you have written down there? It's been long enough. What type of people holds on the hostages for this store? I didn't do. Wasn't me who occupied it. Okay, all right, all right, all right. The show has begun. Jack, thank you so much. It has started with the stylings of Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. And now we move on to the bucket. Funny material. Funny material. Star Wars. We're talking Star Wars. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen. Nothing better to just screw up the memory of Jack Shotier mine than the lovely Heidi, everybody. Just the opposite of Jack Shaw. A strong Germanic woman. All right, well, this name sounds like it could be one of Jack's agents or managers. Make some noise for the kil Tony debut of J.J. lieberman, everybody. J.J. lieberman. Here we go. Hey. Hey. I saw someone so good looking it made me resent my parents. You'll get that if you're ugly. You see someone hot and then you think about your parents. You're like, you idiots had to fuck each other. They made a lateral move and I'm like, well, here I am. I'm the one who has to suffer. I got my father's big nose. I got my father's big nose. And I got my mother's fed upper pussy area. I hide the fupa well, ladies. So I do a lot of gay shit. And I don't mean gay like when a man says he doesn't eat meat, that's gay as fuck. I mean, I suck dick. I just want to clear it up. I don't want you thinking I'm a vegan. And that throws people off when I say that. Cause I've got this energy of a high school football coach with multiple DUIs. And people are like, you're into guys. Oh, my God. I machine gun through twink asshole. No, no twinks in here. But I do it all. I'm not gay. Like, I hook up with dudes, I hook up with chicks. I've hooked up with a trans person, which makes the most sense. If you're gonna do dudes and chicks, why choose between steak and lobster when you're getting surf and turf at the same price? All right, J.J. lieberman. A lot of information in a little under a minute. Absolutely incredible. Welcome. Jj. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yeah, first time. Absolutely. How old are you? I'm 44. How long you been doing stand up? This is going to be my 13th year. 13th year. Where you been doing it at for the first 10? Toronto and then I moved to New York for a couple years during COVID and then I just moved here. You originally from Toronto? Yeah, originally Canadian. So you're a Canadian? Yeah, Canadian Jew. Canadian and gay. The three strikes. Wow. Absolutely. That's not great. Gay. Ish. Gayish. Canadian Jew. Moved to America right when healthcare got free. That is crazy. That's against your own grain there. Okay, so let's talk. What's your last name? Lieberman. The first guy looked way more Lieberman than you. Yeah, it is amazing. You came out talking about how Jewy you look and we just had fucking the Jewish prince up here. I look, I look like the meme if I like. Oh my God. You do. Oh God. You said I didn't. That's the most self deprecating racist thing I've ever seen in my life. That is incredible that you really do. Look at, look at that. They're so excited. I love that. I like you, jj. I like that. The fact that you would lean into something that racist on yourself is incredible. Well, I, I like beards, but dude, if I got the beard, it's over. Over. People go, it's him. Absolutely. So does the JJ stand for juju? Yes. It is incredible. What do you do? How do you make money? Kind of this. Kind of this? Yeah, kind of. What else? So like, for the first, like I was literally going day to day in New York. I would bark for shows, I would hand out flyers for 10 bucks an hour for comedy clubs and I was like just getting by and then about a few months ago, a couple videos went viral and then I'm like selling sex machines on my Instagram. So wait, you're that guy? I'm that guy. I'm the father. Hold on, hold on. I'm out of the loop. You're so horny online. Yeah, you're so horny. Offline line. Come on. What the hell is going on? Find this video. How the do you know about this? He makes these hilarious videos where he has like a dick sucking machine and then he'll be in like tsa. Slow, slow it down. Everybody. Pump the brakes. Pump the brakes. A dick shoving machine. Sucking, sucking. It's a shucking. That's a whole different Spanish. I Like, to copy. He loves to come. How do you not recognize that? I love to come. It's a meat milker. No. Yes, yes, yes. Your meat's getting milked. It's amazing. It's amazing. I won't even plug the company. But it. Honestly, it's a thousand dollar version of the Fleshlight. First time I used it, it drained me dry. That dude. I brought it through tsa and the chick, it was like a black chick. She goes, oh, hell no. What? This. Okay. I was like, she says it. She literally goes, oh, hell no. I said, it's a meat milker. Yeah. You say it's for getting my dick. I'm getting my dick trains. She said, put it away. Of course she did. Her brain worked. That was that. Is that the one? No, that was in Driverless. How do we find this fucking. Why don't you. Why don't you have a pinned. What's that? Why don't you have the hit video that made you famous pinned at the top of your Instagram? Well, because there's. It's not. It wasn't that one. It was. There's another one. Where. The original one. I was at the gym and I saw some chicks box sweaty. So I was like. So I like walking down the street and I literally go, I'm not a pervert, but. And that went mega viral. People are like, you are a fucking pervert. I'm like, I'm not. She had a wet box and I saw her. You're not even into that. No, that's. I like pussy. Oh, you do? I don't get it. I'm so confused. He's fucking a vacuum. Yeah, I think. Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck? Like, if I'm gonna. Yeah, right. I've never met a celebrity on this show. This is. This is crazy. You like what? You like Red band. You'd love his stuff. He can't find it. I know. You need to have that shit pinned, man. It was after. It's sometime in December, but I post every day. I'm ill. Yeah, we could tell. I'm ill. We could tell. They didn't like the gay shit at first. Well, like it ever here. At first it always hurts a little bit. Then you get used to it. Well, when I. This. This little piglet was laughing when I said. When I said I was into everything. Sir, someone's going to kill you if you keep calling Texans in the front row piglets. That dude ain't killing nobody. Look at him. Look at him. He spent just enough time in Canada. Forget That. To forget that guns exist. Huh? Incredible. That little guy couldn't hurt anybody. I love it. Jj, what do you do for fun when you're not making content or doing stand up? I know what he does. Oh, wow. Okay. To be. To be honest with you, like, it goes, like, really deep. Like, I have a huge. Enough about your asshole already. What else don't I. I don't get? I'm a man. But okay, what else other than stand up and content? So this is the woman thing. Like, I love. I have a huge lactation fetish. I really. Is this true? Swear to God, man. You're into women. Lactating. Yeah, but you also. So you. You. I'm so confused. You're gay. No. Didn't you say that you're gay? I've done gay. We're so confused. Red band confirmed that you're gay. You said that you're gay. I mean. I mean, if you shave your beard, I mean, we'll figure it out. Jj, stop being a fucking creep and answer the questions. God, these gays are so horny. They will literally stop down in the middle of a show. Like, are you trying to fuck right now? Jesus. Jj, it's very simple. What do you do for fun other than content or comedy? I. I do. I do have. I like poker. I played poker during. You don't even know her. I played in the main. The World Series of Poker main event. Like, really? Yeah, during COVID So we were locked down in Canada and I had nothing to do. So basically I studied poker. Poker every day. And I, like, would run it through, like, the AI simulation, the Sims. And I just started making money playing cards. And I love playing poker. And I moved to Vegas for a few months before New York kind of opened up. And I was playing poker every day in the casinos. Making money played in the main event. Let's go back to lactating tits for a second. So when did you figure out that you're into this? How does this happen? I'm guessing very early. I bet it was so early you have no memory of it, but you do have mammories of it. Ow. We should work together. Do the face. Yeah. Have you ever been with a woman while she's lactating? Yeah. So when I started really fucking chicks in 2009 and I started with titty fucking. I love, I love. So you were fucking almost entirely just dudes until 2009. Destroying them. Yes. Wow. Absolutely incredible. He said that with such conviction. I could smell. I could smell shit in the air. Absolutely incredible. For what it's worth, I thought you were giving me an alley oop. Uh huh. Okay. It's just fun watching a gay Sebastian Maniscalo. And they say never meet your heroes. So how do you go from strictly dudes straight to fucking a pair of tits, man? Cause that's just as straight as it gets. I, I honestly, I kind of think like when you put two tits together and oil them up, it looks like a hot Brazilian dude's ass. Wow. Okay, again, I was just reminded you're gay. As nobody pictures that when they're tits. That's incredibly gay. That is okay to be with a woman. Just to be like, all right, how do I make a dude's ass out of this? What parts do I have to smush together? Vo. Hey, can you make your armpit make a fart noise? Then I'll it. Cuz that's kind of like a dude's ass a little bit. He really gaming the system? No, I honestly now I prefer chicks. Oh, there goes D Madness. He's plugged in, by the way. There you go. We got it, we got it. We got you. D D Madness Always has to pee when someone gets a little too gay on this show. There he goes. Go on, D. Go pee, you weirdo. Homophobic musical genius, ladies and gentlemen. But yeah, I do, I do prefer women. Okay. You ever get, you ever get gay bashed in Canada? Canadians seem like such nice people. No, never. Nothing ever happened, right? Nothing at all. They accept everybody up there. Yeah. Did you ever get Jew bashed? No, never. Even your time here in America? Not at all. Like online, in the videos, people go like, you're a diabolical Jew. And I'm like, oh yeah, I get that. I can see it. I can see it. Do you ever take the milk lactations and try to sell it as milk on the milk market? I'm trying to buy it, dude. Wow. Hear that ladies? What would you do if I told you that we have an unlimited amount of breast milk in the back and that like, how much of it do you think you could drink in one sitting? So like, I've actually had people offer me bottles, but I honestly only want to drink from the tap. So you're a connoisseur? Yes, yes. Red band. You do sell headshots though still, right? Headshots? What you told me the other night. Dick pics. You sell dick pics. I told you in confidentiality. Dude, what the is going on, right? Where did you meet this guy? The other night at sunset. You did a spot at sunset the other night and you guys caught up a little bit, huh? Yeah. Wow. You have the best of both worlds here. Cuz he's a dude that has milky tits. So this is your one stop shop right here. You can also also book you for comedy. He. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Oh my God. Oh my God. What a twist. What a twist. This is like Kill Tony directed by M. Night Shyamalan Redban. In the end is the gay one. Unbelievable. Absolutely incredible. JJ, I like your style. Where can people find your content and whatnot? JJ Lieberman live on Instagram and that's basically. I love that you've been doing it 13 years. You deserve it. Thanks for signing up. Fun interview. Fun times. Way to get it. J.J. lieberman has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Hello. Hello. This podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. Look, we all know what speed dating is, right? Well, if you're the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring? In other words, if. If you could meet several interested qualified candidates all at once at a designated time, well, you would. Good news. You can. It's zip intro from ZipRecruiter. You can post your job today and start talking to qualified candidates tomorrow. 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We know this young man. He's lived in Austin for a while. Make some noise for a new minute. From Philip Garcia, everybody. Here comes Philip Garcia. Thank y'all. I've been crushing up Plan B and putting it in my girlfriend's eggs every morning. Yeah, she's Latina, so it's a must. She's Catholic, so I have to sneak it in somehow. Yeah. If you really want to think about it, it's like an abortion inside of an abortion, which is even crazier. Yeah. Thank you. Also, it's like a $72 egg at this point. You know what I'm saying? We're in love, though. We're shitting with the door open, which is great. I know. Yeah, it's good. That's a good place to be. The other day, she got really scared, though. I think she paid attention for the first time. She walked by and she went, when guys shit, their dick and balls go inside the toilet bowl with it. And I was like, yeah, that's crazy. You put your mouth on that thing. She was like, it's in the water and everything. And I was like, sadly, we don't have that problem. Thank you for pointing that out there. All right, guys. Thank you so much. I'm Philip Garcia. Thank you, Philip Garcia. I am a little confused. Why would she say that the dick and balls go in the water if I wasn't. If I was, like, blessed enough, they would probably get. Ian, I think you can explain the punchline. Shut the upper. Well, Tony, when you sit down on the toilet. Well, I understand the concept, but I don't understand why she would think that, because I also don't understand why you think you're fertile. Yeah. You're wasting plan B, bro. Fair enough. You're right. Why would it. Why would it? Doesn't matter. Yeah. How's life going, Philip? Let's talk about It. What's going on with you? It's going really well, actually. You work at Sunset Street Comedy Club? Yep. Work over. Employee of Red Band. Look at this. They all slowly make it loud for Sunset. Get shaped more and more like you the longer they work there. Are you sending him dick pics, too? No, no, no. What's been going on, Philip? You've been on the show multiple times. Yeah, it's good to be back. I've. Since then I've started like, not to plug my own shit, but here I go. I've been doing the man on the street interviews on 6th Street. So I've been capturing that madness. And then recently I had some really big success with a clip that blew up. It had over like 100 million views. Wow. What was the clip up? Buffet girl, maybe. Y'all know. See good. Thank God the world's a good place that y'all don't know. Viral clip. When I said another dick sucking machine. Yeah. Now she is. She's an only fans girl. So that's. Yeah, I'm basically just out there creating porn stars out of thin air on 6th Street. Giving them a spotlight. What are you doing? Molesting young women? No, not there yet. Maybe in a couple of years when it's more successful, I guess then I can go down that terrible road, right? You rascal. No, I would never do that. Can we. Can we scratch that? How long have you been with your Latina girlfriend, Phil? We're going on three years now. Okay, Trace, what does she do for work? El musician. She's a musician. What type of music does she play? She does, like, kind of like Austin rock, you know, that Southern whatever it is. That's culture. Yes, she is. You go see her often. You support her. Yeah, yeah, Check her out. She's Ali xx. You said she's Latina. Does she sing Latina? No, but right now she is. Like, she has to work on an undercover project where she can't have her identity tied to it because of her label. So she has to wear, like. She's gonna wear like a Mexican. Yeah. Luchador mask. Wow. Yeah. So she doesn't sing Latina. Does she sing in Spanish? No, no, not at all. She speaks Spanish. She's completely wasting it, I think. Yeah, she'll figure it out. I believe in her. Either that or I'll have to close the door when I poop from here on out. The plan B thing is that because you're coming inside of her, Philip. Are you? Are you? No, you don't do that. No. But you're so afraid. I'm washing my sheets, like, three times a day, basically. You think you can get pregnant from coming on sheets? Hopefully not. Is it so that. Is it so that her man on the side doesn't get her pregnant? Yeah, she's got a man on the street. She's surely got another guy, too. I mean, I guess that's good insurance. That saves me on the paternity test, then, I guess, right, when I say something that makes sense, it doesn't sound funny at all. Philip, what else is going on? Not much. I've been golfing a shit ton. Way too much. Handicaps the exact same. This is really boring golf conversation. Got in a real bad car accident. Got an ow. Here you go. I got an OWI On a road gig. What happened there? I was actually with a couple of door guys from the mothership the day before this place opened, and we. One of them wanted Taco Bell so bad, he rushed our leaving from the bar. I bet I can guess who was. Oh, yeah, yeah, you can take a look at him. There's some fat guys. Yeah, yeah. This motherfucker. The red and blue lights came on on the way, like, when we were getting pulled over, and he goes, so I guess this means we're not getting Taco Bell then, huh? Damn. And you were crying. Just the biggest guy in Wisconsin. Jail, too, because they all have, like, fetal alcohol syndrome or whatever up there. That's where you were. Yeah, I was, like, in cowboy boots and a denim jacket, and they were calling me cowboy. You gotta be wasted to get a DUI in Wisconsin. No, that's the crate. Your first. Your first DUI in Wisconsin is on the state. It's not a. It's not a criminal charge. It's a civil charge. Because they want you to drink that much. I got really, really lucky. I got a DUI in a state. One of two states where you can kind of walk away with it with. With a decent attorney. That's a feather in your cap. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Philip. Well, thanks for coming by. Thanks for having me. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. I'd love to do it. I'll see you there. You already have. Right. There he goes. Okay. Ah. All right, we're gonna keep it moving. D Madness is back, everybody. Wow. Only guy that leaves eight minutes into the show. Really get a lot of bang for my buck with D Madness here. Literally has been gone for half the show. For those of you keeping track, all it takes is one homophobic opener. Can we get D Madness's bass guitar on him? All right, how about a hand for the Amazing Squad? We have here some of the best producers. Producers, security people, camera people. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Annie Teicher, everybody. Annie Teicher. I'm not sure about having kids. My best friend just had a baby, a little girl. And she told me she feels like her reason to live is to be a mom. But if your reason to live is to be a mom and your daughter's reason to live is to be a mom and her daughter's reason to live is to be a mom, that's called a pyramid scheme. And I'm not picking up on any drumbeat out there to make any more of me. I can't come close to doing my own taxes. TurboTax asks me the same questions every year, and I still have to call my dad. Like, hey, dad, do I pay railroad union dues? No. Okay. Am I American Samoan? Hello, Annie Tysher. Am I saying that right? Tyscher. Okay, welcome. Grab that microphone. We're gonna talk to you for a second here, Annie. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? About six weeks. Wow. Six weeks. What made you want to start six weeks ago? You know, I've always wanted to do it, and I. You know, I already live here, and it's a great place to see if maybe I can handle it. Well, here you are. You're in the eye of the storm right now, Annie. Can I say something complimentary? Sure. Your second joke is way ahead of the curve. For six weeks. The American Samoan thing. That's a great joke. Thank you. I think if you took a breath right now, exhaled. You did great. Be here now with us. Thank you. So, Annie, here we are. All right. Okay. That was weird, guys. I know. I was nice to a woman, and they liked it. That's crazy. So here we go. You said you already lived in Austin. What do you do in Austin? I'm a golf professional. A law professional? Golf. Golf professional. Holy. You've been playing your whole life, I take it? Since high school, right? Yeah. And so that's what you do for a living? Yes. At a particular club or something? I'm at Spanish Oaks out in Be Cave. That's amazing. That's a great place. That's exciting. How long have you been doing that? I've been a golf Pro for about 10 years. Wow. Incredible. It's at BK Be Cave. Oh, it's a suburb. I thought it was Burger King. I don't. I don't golf. I was like, maybe I'll play golf. Of is the Burger King course red band? Did you have similar thoughts? Absolutely. I love it. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you being a golf pro out there with all the boys on the golf course, People are drinking, they're smoking, they're having a good old time. What have you seen? Well, when it's a private membership, people know that they're gonna see you again. So behavior is kind of. I've worked at public courses, and when people know they're not gonna see you again, things look a little different. But has anyone ever put you in a golf bag and wheeled you around? Yes. Yeah. You're a little thing. Yeah, that's fun. See? Very fun. We need to know about these hijinks. Annie, what's the craziest thing you've seen out on a golf course? Yes. Yes. You ever taken a bath in a ball washer? All right, we're not that far. Let's check in with Annie on this one. Annie, what's the craziest thing you've ever seen? Seen on a golf course scene? Well, personally, I've seen this very up close. I teach, you know, I teach five year olds. I get hit in the face a lot. Okay, so that, like, that's. I mean, that's very. That's very much up close. I'm seeing it. You mean hit, like, by their hands? The club. The club. I thought it was by their dads when they're like, his stroke is still bad. What are we fucking paying for? Having fixed his handicap, I'm gonna give you one, toots. Toots. That's what I assume. I don't know. I don't golf. I love it. Annie, when you're not working, what else are you into? What have you been doing your whole life? What am I doing my whole life? For fun. For fun. Well, I try to avoid golf being my answer, but it is up there. I golf. But how about, like, when you want to get wild? Not daytime. Let's say the sun went down. The sun's down. Tony. She's so white. I don't know. She came out looking white. Then she said, I teach golf. What's the wildest thing you ever done playing golf? Golf? Yeah. If you guys wondered what it was like at the presidential inauguration, everyone woman was exactly like this. This is what they look like. This is the new administration of the government. Every Trump, every person. She even answers the questions like she's in fear for her life. Just regular questions. No, I don't have anything to hide. What do I do when I want to have. You want to get wild Night, the sun's down. Golf things are no longer an option when you crack that bottle of Merlot and go nuts. Yeah. Is that what you do? Do you ever do that? Something like that? I go out sometimes. What do you. Oh, my goodness. Here we go. We're getting closer, ladies and gentlemen. We're getting closer. When you go out, what exactly do you do sometimes? Well, I'm from Indiana, so I will if I can. I'll play cornhole. Oh, my goodness. It's getting whiter somehow, ladies and gentlemen, it's getting whiter. Don't ask J.J. lieberman to play. It's so white that it's getting translucent in here. You can almost see entirely through it. And have you ever crushed up a Tylenol and not take it? I didn't mean to keep doubling down on the. The white. You're doing good. You're doing perfect. Just answer the questions honestly. It's not up to you. Let me ask you this, though, because I'm excited about this one. Here we go. Why don't you tell me the blackest thing about you? Oh, yes. I am the best host in all of comedy. The crown weighs heavy sometimes, but God damn it, I crack my neck and I go out and I start another day. Tony, that's a great question, but the answer is going to be so white. Well, I mean, yes. No, no, no, no. I have a. No, I have a good one. Oh, my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen. She has a good one. Can I get a spotlight? Here we are live in Austin, Texas, with the whitest white woman we've ever met. And this is the blackest thing about her. I shop at Ross Baking Soda. I don't know why I have tape on me. I just grabbed something to make myself comfortable because that is somehow the most racist thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It is incredible. The black guy is the only person not smiling right now. Absolutely incredible. Let me ask you this. Do you actually purchase the things or do you walk out without paying for them? You know, I look for the sensor. Wow, look at this, ladies and gentlemen. She does it like a white woman. I do. No, I. I wanted to keep going down, that I. I purchase it. Okay. The fact that you said purchase instead of buy is incredible. This is amazing. This literally. I mean, it is incredible. She doesn't even buy shit on sale because it feels like a steal. She's like, what's? The original price on this, and I'd like to write a check. And yes, I do have two forms of identification. And yes, I would like to donate an extra $2 to the charity that. Do you guys validate? You know what? I. I won't even need a bag. I don't want to waste the plastic. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. I have another question. While we're having so much fun, I'm just curious. What do you think, Annie? Annie, what do you think the most Latino thing about you is? You can't say those earrings, and you can't say that you shop at Ross. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. One more spotlight. This. This is the most Latino thing about Annie Teicher. I draw my eyebrows on more tape. Two tape. Two tape Annie. Two tape Taisha. We are here live with two tape Taisha. I thought the tape color corresponded to the question. It's. That is a very Latino thing. Our entire Latino wing of the show is in approval of it. They all know the ladies, they shave their eyebrows, and then they draw them on. In the Latino culture, that's a thing we don't know why. Do any of you guys know why? Have you ever asked One of your 14 sisters, Michael, why? Why do they do that? I mean, they have hair. They have natural hair. They could. You normally. They're very good at landscaping. You would think that they would trim around it. You don't have an answer. Nobody knows. It's absolutely incredible. Is there a Latina woman out there that has an answer? Perhaps no one knows. It's one of the great mysteries of the world. Truly, nobody knows. I'd be interested to know if we ever find out. If anybody wants to send me a handwritten letter, I'd love to know. Do you have, like, any eyebrows or were they frozen off? Yes, sir. Okay, There you go. This is absolutely incredible. Amazing, Annie. Such a fun interview. And for six weeks in very, very, very promising, distinct punch lines. Thank you. Congratulations, Annie. You're leaving here with a big joke book six weeks into the game. There you go. Absolutely. She walks over and grabs it like the whitest person ever. Oh, I. I'd rather not catch it, Tony. I'm four. I'd like to have the book handed to me in the most professional way. This podcast is brought to you by aura. 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I just went back to Japan to see my family. And on a Japanese airport, I saw a huge sign that says, do not export wagyu beef semen without permission. And immediately I was like, damn, I wish my semen is important enough to get permitted. You know, Like I wish everybody desire my semen. You know, Like I wish. I wish someone sucked me off and keep my semen inside their mouth and try to cross a border and get shot at and die. And this person's whole family is devastated just because of my statement. Thank you very much, Kansai. Yeah. Welcome, sir. Hi. Tony Kansai. Welcome. Welcome. Last week we learned about you that you are Japanese. Yes. You live in Canada. Yes. And you almost entirely, with all of your spare time, eat ramen and have sex with your girlfriend. Yes. Just wanted to catch up the room with what we learned just last week. There's no way you were all here, so I wanted you to know. Well, I think I know some other stuff he might do. Yeah? Yeah. Be an extra on Boy Meets World. Boy meets a row row. Thank you. Say, hey, Corey, you need to be cool. Hey Corey, you need to be cool. Wow. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Kansai Yasuda has returned. So Kansai, how's this last week been for you? Last week been amazing. This is. I did Vulcan. Oh, Vulcan. That is secret show. Oh, yes, you could hear it. Yeah. Secret. I feel like somehow you're doing a racist impression. That's what I love about him. Little. Little bit. Little bit. It's like. It's like Bruce Lee's son is doing comedy. Bruce Lee tart. Sound cool? As though. Yeah, definitely. You look cool too. Thank you. Yeah. Kansai. What does Kansai mean in Japanese? Sick tree. A sick tree. Sick tree. Like an unhealthy tree. Oh, like a sick. Like a Sam. Like a big, big fat tree. Yeah. Wow. No, like. No, but like strong like you okay. Nice recovery. Yeah, that's okay. The Godzillas have been mean to your people. So let me apologize on behalf of my people. Goman Nasai. That's how you say sorry. Iyo. Have you talked to your girlfriend who you left up in Toronto, who you're deeply in love with since winning the golden ticket and caught her up about this amazing week that you've had in Austin, Texas? I haven't. I talked to, but I. But she. She was like busy working in a ramen shop. She was be. She was busy. Yeah. So I talked to my parents. Uh huh. What did your parents say? My dad was happy, but a little bit sad. Huh. Why? Why? Yeah, why do you think he was sad? Because I. We made a promise to each other that if I don't do. If you don't make it in comedy, that you have to get a real college degree and a job. Yes, yes. You don't do that. You have to do seppoku. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Dishonorable. That is. Is as Japanese as it gets. So you told your dad that basically you made it that you got recognized on the biggest show in all of comedy. Yeah. And he was sad about it because we made a promise that I was gonna take over his nail salon. Oh, wow. Wow. Even more Japanese than any of us could have expected. Your dad owns a body waxing salon? Nail salon. Nail salon. Oh, I thought you said Nair salon. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. Yes. Thank you. And the nail salon, that's in Japan? Yeah, it's in Tokyo, Japan. Shinagawa. Is it very profitable? Did you just. You just gave it a shout out? Yeah. Say it again. What is it? Shinagawa. If you want your neighbor down properly, go to Shalira Gala. Tokyo Prefecture. Yeah. Your dad's shop is going to be packed tomorrow and he's going to be like, Khan Sayam, I am so proud of you. So many narrow. What made your dad open a nail salon? My dad, he liked nail. So he's a pervert. Like a fetish? Well, he is Japanese. Yeah. What does your mom do for a living, Kansai? My mom. Construction business. Yeah. Like she helps my dad, but now she quit because she didn't like it. And then now she works at the supermarket. Ah, yeah. What does she do at the supermarket? She. Oh, yeah. What'd she do, man? She paint narrow. She. She controls the vegetable. Oh, wow. When you control the pistol. When you say she controls the vegetable. Yeah. I don't know how Japanese supermarkets work. Can you. Can you explain to us what you mean by control? The vegetable. A single vegetable she's in control of. Does she use her hands? Yeah, like a. Multiple vegetables. Oh, multiple vegetables. Yeah. And with the hand and then. And she, I think, just like move. Move it around. Uhhuh. Yeah. And just. And put into the right spot. Right, right. That's control. Invest. Textbook vegetable control. Yeah. This girlfriend of yours that works at the ramen shop. I can't remember if I asked you, she's Asian as well? Yes. She's half Filipino, half Japanese. Half Filipino, half Japanese. Does she do anything odd or, you know, anything that stands out to you in which you're like, ah, that's Filipino, that's not Japanese. Is there something that Filipinos do that Japanese people Don't do that. You kind of notice and you're like, ooh. It's a long way to set that up, but it was worth it, bro. She. She doesn't let me eat her pussy. Oh, my goodness. This. This is unbelievable. Well, it must be hard to see it because it's all blurred out. That's Japanese, Sam. I should have asked which half. She controls her vegetables. Tony, if I may follow your line of inquests from earlier, would you mind telling us what you think the blackest thing about you is? Absolutely. Great question. And here we go. With a single spotlight. I would like to present to you. This is. With 10 seconds to think about it. The blackest thing about Kansai Yasuda. My eyeball. The color of the eyeball is black. Okay? Not. Let's turn the lights back on. Hold on. Okay, one more time. It doesn't have to be like a physical thing on your body, okay? Nobody was expecting you to go, oh, my huge. I mean, like. Like with things that you do or things that you like or hobbies that you have or things that you say or things that you do or something that you've done. We're asking you about your. About your. Your hobbies, anything that you. Something you do. Behaviors throughout the day. What is the blackest thing about you? And this is the answer from Kansai Yasuda. I sag my pants. You do sag your pants. It's another physical thing about you. We were going more for like, a behavior or an action of some kind. Like, what's the most jabberwocky thing about you? Here it is the most jabberwocky thing about contest. What's jabba wak? Come on, man, let's act. Don't. Don't play that game with me, Jabba. He thinks it's a new slur. He's never heard. You haven't been here that much. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. So, Kansai, have you asked your girlfriend why she won't let you eat her? She says she's like, she doesn't want me to watch it. She doesn't want you to watch it? Yeah. To watch it? Like, look at it or watch it? To look at it? Why would she not want you to look at it? You felt it before. Do you think there's a reason why? Is it perhaps, you know, a little bit. Is there a little bit of ramen hanging out of the bowl? Do you know what I mean? Is there a little. Is it a little. That's possible oh, so there's a little something there, huh? It felt really good. It. I bet it. I bet it does feel really good. And you want to eat it, don't you? Yeah, you really do, don't you? I. I can. I can't wait anymore. I know, I know. You must be starving, Kansai. But remember, if you really like it, it's not impossible. Polite to slurp. Exactly. It's probably hard to eat it with chopsticks. Absolutely incredible. Kansai Yasuda, I could talk to you absolutely forever. You are one of the easily the most amazing interviews in the history of the show, with only two under your belt. Incredible. Thank you very much. That is the second ever appearance by Kansai Yasuda. And back to the bucket we go. How about one more time, good and loud for Kansai Yasuda? All right. All right. Back to the bucket. There's the lovely Heidi, everyone. There she is. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. He goes by the name of Jimmy Moynihan, everyone. Jimmy Moynihan. Thanks, everybody. You guys seem very nice, which is good. I've been. I've been depressed lately, but I have a therapist now, which is good, because I can't talk to my friends about depression. I can't. They're not helpful. The other day, I was talking to my buddy. I'm like, I don't know, man. I think if it wasn't for my parents, I'd probably kill myself. And he was like, I think your parents would understand. I mean, they love you, but ultimately they want what's best for their son. I got one married friend who has, like, a family, so he thinks his problems are worse than everyone else's. You know, we were out late, and he says, I have to go home. I've been up since 8am I'm like, I had to wake up at 7am and he goes, yeah, but you don't have a wife and three kids at home. I'm like, oh, yeah, no, you're right. Every morning when I wake up tired and depressed, I think to myself, well, at least I'm alone. Oh, man, I had that nightmare again where I had a loving family. Hey, thank you very much. Okay. Jimmy Moynihan. Jimmy, have you been on this show before? I've never been on. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you. How long you been doing stand up? So I've been doing stand up six and a half years. Okay, six and a half years. Where at? So I started. I started in upstate New York in Binghamton, and then I moved to Orlando and I did it in Orlando for about four. What did you do after Willie Wonka gave you the chocolate factory? When did you change your name from Charlie to Jimmy Moynihan? Exactly. It was weird that your grandparents all slept in that bed. We were very close. I love it, Jimmy. So six and a half years. Where was it at again, your stand up? So Binghamton, New York. And then I moved to Orlando, Florida. Did it for four years there. What made you move to Orlando for comedy. So I moved to Orlando for rehab. For rehab. Oh, yeah. Great. I knew it. I knew it. Hell, yeah. That's where you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went to. I went to rehab and then I ended up staying. So what'd you go to rehab for? I was. Pain pills. It was like. Everything was. A lot of. I was addicted to Xanax for sure. All right. Okay. So, yeah, I got clean and then my parents lived in Florida, so I stayed with my parents for a little bit. Three and a half years. And then how were you in Binghamton, New York, if your parents were in Florida? Right. So he was up on Zans, Man. He has no idea. They turn. They turned 65 and then they moved to Florida because that's the law. That makes sense. Got it. Okay. So when did you know you hit bottom and had to go to rehab? What was the low point in which you're like, jesus, okay. Oh, God. Right? Take your time. Steve Buscemi. So this seems. This seems bad, but looking back on it is not. So I would go on Grindr. That's enough for me. Yep. Because gay and I would look for guys that had coke. When I say you hit bottom, I wasn't talking about the sexual position. You were on Grindr just to look for guys with coke. Yeah. You weren't gay at all. Maybe a little bit. Oh, okay. It's kind of gay. So you're gay. All right, good. But. So one time, this guy, he came over and I couldn't. I would never get hard, but he would just suck my soft dick. Right. That doesn't make you gay. Trust me. Not at all. Yeah. If you don't. If you don't get hard, that's how you know you're straight. Exactly. That's what I told myself. Completely straight up with a coke. Yeah. So, yeah, we would do. We did coke. We became pretty good friends. But I told my. I'd be friends with that guy too if he sucked my soft all the time. Why. Why hang out with somebody that's gonna just want to yap your ear off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When you could sit there on your phone, get some work done while just enjoying a soft blow job. There's nothing like it. Yeah, that's the life in Orlando, Florida. The sun's shining. You're just getting your dick sucked. Barely able to enjoy it. Yeah, in my parents house too. Wow. On copious amounts of drugs. This isn't going on anything. No, no, that's just for here. Nobody ever hears that this is a live show and then it disappears. We gotta get you a different wig next time. I know. I need a haircut. It's called depression. You guys like it? All right, let's keep talking about the. How do you. Is there a section on Grindr where the dude says, I like coke or I got coke. Like how do you. I think it's implied. On Grindr. I just roll the dice, basically. Uh huh. And then they don't have coke. So where were we going here? You knew you hit bottom when you were getting your dick sucked. It was soft. You're doing coke with a guy off Grinder. You became best friends. Yeah, I guess. That's not rock bottom. I got my dick suck and free coke. That's not a terrible rock bottom. But it was at that point in which you're like, I think I need to go to rehab. I need to go to rehab. Right? Do you have any relapses since then? Yeah, I relapsed two weeks ago. Oh my goodness. Here in Austin, Texas. Right here in Austin, Texas. On dick or cocaine? On cocaine, right. So how did that happen? How did. How exactly do you relapse? So my girlfriend broke up with me. Aww, shut up. Sorry. And I was already in like a bad place, like mentally. And then I was dog sitting Scooby Doo, so I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn it. Red band. I'm getting it from all. He does look like that. That's incredible. These Scooby snacks you were taking. All right, Red band. Getting involved. Eat two, Redband. Is that your mystery machine double parked outside? Maybe I could have got hard if it weren't for those meddling kids. So your girlfriend broke up with you? She broke up with me. I was. I. Velma. Yeah. Yeah. So I was dog sitting at this guy's house. I was staying there for the week. I get there, there's a bunch of. There's like 65 Adderall, and then there's mushrooms underneath his bed and then there's a bunch of weed and I just. She broke up with me and Then I just went. I just went to town and. Wow. Yeah, I haven't told him yet. Oh, my goodness. Really? No, I didn't tell him. So did you? Let's start with the Adderall. What'd you do there? So I crushed Adderall up, and then I snorted. Snorted it. And then I took two. So that way I have the slow release. Hell yeah. Jesus Christ. So let me ask you this, because you seem like an energetic guy without Adderall. I know. It's a nightmare. So what did you do after taking all this Adderall? Okay, I really. This is a comedy show, and this is gonna be. Nope, it's not. It's not a comedy show. You say the truth, and then we will make it funny. Jimmy. Go ahead. Just say the truth. Okay, so I took six grams of mushrooms, and so this is. You take the Adderall, you snort the Adderall, you take two Adderall, and then you add six grams of mushrooms. And then I ate six grams of mushrooms all at, like, the same time. At the same time. Right after the breakup. Doy. So here we go, cuz I. I kind of. Your bone structure, your eyes, your smile. I got to tell you, I see a little me in you. The fact that I would love that. Both on Grinder, I see. I can see a correlation. And I don't. I don't ever do uppers of any kind. Ever. They don't. I tried. Tried it once as a kid. Tony. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe you can get him hard. Yeah, I bet I can. I bet I can. If he's anything like me, he's into people that look like him. All right, so let's talk about it. Yeah. Adderall up your nose, in your mouth, and.6 grams of mushrooms. Yeah, yeah. And they're. They're in capsules, so. Right. So take us through it. Okay, so I take the mushrooms. Okay. Oh, I forgot. Okay, so I left this part out next to the bag of Adderall in the dresser. There's a gun. Oh, yeah. Oh, we're partying now, baby. Let's go. What an episode so far. Let's talk about it. Keep going, Jimmy. The floor is yours. All right. Okay, so I've had suicidal ideations before. Uh huh. And so it's always been a gun. When I think about it, it's always been a gun. Sure. So I. This is crazy that I'm telling you. You don't need to set it up, Jimmy. Just go right into it. Okay, so I'm kind of Like, I'm fucked up. And I keep circling the dresser with the gun in it. Like a dog that's, like, waiting to be fed. Yeah. And a starving dog just, like, literally, like, thinking to itself, this guy's taking medicine. He's doing. He's been eating things the whole time. I'm hungry. It's my impression of the dog hungry while he's on mushrooms. Okay. So I'm circling, and I'm. So. I'm crying. I'm, like, sobbing. Right. And have the mushrooms kicked in? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. This was, like, about an hour and a half. Like, oh, okay. Circling it. And then I had texted my buddy Joe that I was, like, feeling like earlier. Sure. So eventually I. I pick up the gun and I take it out of the thing. Yep. And then I put it to my head. Oh, my God. And I held it there for, like, probably 10, 15 minutes, just. Wow. Sobbing. Yeah. Sobbing. Yeah. And then my buddy Joe called me and, like, this is a gun. I picked it up and I said, hey, man, you were talking to the gun. What's going on? Yeah, I was talking to Joe. So I had a gun in one hand, my phone in the other. Wow. And I was sobbing on the phone with him. He's like, dude, where are you? Tell me where you are. And I'm like, I'm not telling you where I am. And then I told him I had a gun in my head. And then he's like, you have to tell me where you are. I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. And then he said something that. I forgot what he said, but it made me laugh. And I started laughing really hard. And then I put the gun down. I went outside. You look so concerned. I went outside. Calm down. He's alive. Hey. Staring right at us. No spoilers, no sad. What the hell? Keep going, Jimmy. Keep going with the story, Jimmy. Don't get sidetracked, Jimmy. So I keep going, Jimmy. Stick with me, Jimmy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go outside, still crying. The gun is on the dresser outside. I call my buddy Justin, and I do the same. I just don't tell him where I am. Right. Eventually, he's like, I'm gonna have to call the police, and they'll track your call. You can tell me where the fuck you are. So I did, and he came over and I cried, and he hugged me and jerk each other off. And then again, don't try to make it funny, Jimmy. Keep going with the story, Jimmy. So basically, he took me to his house, and his wife, his girlfriend, Made me chicken noodle soup. And I cried more. And then two days later, I got. I went to an AA meeting and. Did you ever feed the dog? I did not. Oh, my God. This fucking guy's gonna come home. His dog's dead. His drugs are all gone. Jimmy. Hey, I didn't put my gun over here. Yeah, Never hire a dog sitter off Grinder ever again, Jimmy. Or a funny guy. We could go on and on. This interview's gone a long time. Jimmy Moyn has made his Kill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. It's that easy. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. He's been on this show multiple times before. It's been a while. Make some noise for Mike Eaton, everybody. It's a new minute from Mike Eaton. Where is the world is. He's in the inside somewhere, We've been told. Where is Mike Eaton? Is he coming? Is that him? He's a big boy. Here he comes all the way from the back. Here comes Mike Eaton, everybody. Representing the inside, even though he is a comedian. So this is interesting. You guys having a Good time tonight? April 7th, Netflix premiere of Kill Tony. Make sure to mark it in your phones or whatever. Here he is one more time for Mike Eaton, everybody. Mike Eaton. Hello. My favorite human trafficker favorite is probably Harriet Tubman, right? I mean, everyone else did it for money. She did it for the love of the game. She's just, like, moving people. That's a bad bitch. She ran the underground railroad for 12 years, and I used to ask people if they knew how many people she saved. And I had to stop because a guy in Kansas said, too many. Fuck. A girl in San Francisco raised her hand to answer, and she had armpit hair. So I was like, girls, put it down. You know? And then she said, 120,000. You might be worse than the racist guy because you're retarded, right? The actual answer is 70, which is good. Just feels a bit low. I thought she was a hero. That's not a railroad. That's a bus stop. Most of you are still convinced that is the bitch from the bus. It's a different one. That's it out of me. Mike Eaton. Welcome back, Mike. Hello, Hello, Hello. Yeah, it has. Very funny, man. Congratulations, man. I was just, like, sitting in the crowd watching. And last night, Jimmy and I roast, battled, and I was very mean to him. And then I heard this terrible story. I was like, oh, no. I was so mean to the sweet boy. Well, he didn't do it. He's a pussy. Yeah, yeah. So, Mike, let's talk about it. What have you been up to since the last time you were on this show? Oh, man. So you changed my life the last time I was on the show. Okay, how did I do that? I came on and I talked about ice cream and my sleep, and then the ice cream place gave me an ice cream sponsorship. You have an ice cream sponsorship? Wow. That's what you needed, buddy. That's like giving that last guy a loaded gun. But. But you did also save me last time we talked about. I have sleep apnea, but I don't have health insurance. Right. And then one of your fans sent me a CPAP machine. Oh my God, that. Now what goes better with an ice cream sponsorship than a CP CPAP machine? Isn't that insane? Yeah. Incredible. Yeah. Ice cream down the CPAP machine. It's the only way he'll use it. JJ kept trying to it. I don't know, is the ice cream machine or is the ice cream sponsorship giving you money or just ice cream? Just ice cream? Yeah. How much ice cream? How much ice cream are you going through now? It's been quite a bit. Yeah. God, it's been. It's been a couple years worth of ice cream. Wow. What ice cream place is this? They're called Besame. Besame. Ooh la la. I know. They found out about it and then they made a flavor and named it after me. Oh my God. They call it Red Face. I'm kidding. I've known Mike forever. He's very funny. What is? It's Mike Eatin ice cream. Is what Eatin Good. Wow. And it's spelled like your last name with an O. Okay. What have you been doing for fun? What else? Mike, Tell us something crazy about your life. So recently I've been taking Street Ozempic. Whoa. Street Ozempic? Yeah. So I don't have health insurance and so I can't like go get Ozempic. And I wanted to keep eating ice cream, but also I was going to die from fat. Yeah. And the guy that I buy my cocaine from was like, dude, I can get you Ozempic from the Dark Web. I was like, do it. Yeah. So I got a vial of it and then. Yeah. Because it comes like a little glass jar. Okay. And then I bought the needles from Amazon, which feels dangerous that you could do that. Oh, God, yeah. Delivery needles. And then I had like an Indian guy on YouTube explain how to use them. Uh huh. So for like eight weeks, I've just been stabbing myself in the Fat. It doesn't appear to be working at all. No. So I know I look like shit still, But I'm down £50, right? You are. Yeah. Are you still eating the ice cream? Not very often. Right. I don't have any hunger anymore. I'm in like a post food world. You're not overeating. You're overeating. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's why he's the front runner for guest of the year 2025, ladies and gentlemen. It is incredible. I got a fun story about Mike here. Let's do it. Mike, a couple days ago, gets in my DMs because I'm also on weight loss medication. And I was talking on my podcast about how my burps are terrible. Like, you get terrible sulfurous burps, you know? Oh, it's very bad. Disgusting. It's bad. Well, it's either that or morbid obesity, you know, so. So he. This jerk off hits me up and he's like, oh, man. My girlfriend was sucking my dick the other day and she said my load tasted like. What was it? Quote? Toxic sludge. Oh, God. Yeah. If you thought the burps were bad, imagine the goo. Oh, God, that is unbelievable. She's not my girlfriend. Don't say that a bunch. She'll hear this. You got some rando eating your goo. Yeah, yeah. Poor lady in a park. She. She did throw up. It was pretty upsetting. She threw up, but also pretty funny. How soon after taking the load was it? Like immediate the throw? We. We were in a parking lot. Wow. And so she did that. And you're in the driver's seat of a car. Yeah. And she just leaned over and then I. You know. And then you gave her the clown horn treatment. Oh, what kind of. What kind of car is it? Paint the picture. Toyota Corolla. Oh, fucking disgusting. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. The story gets grosser and grosser. What year? 2022, Mike. Oh, okay. Not bad. So she does that and then I assumed she was going to swallow it. She's like a champion or whatever. And then she goes. And then out the passenger side just. And I started laughing pretty hard. Oh, God. Yeah. Now, has she sucked your dick? Pre street Ozempic. Is this the. Is. No. Right? This was a first date. Not a. You know, dates, parking lots. Getting your dates bought her some beach area. No. You get any red or you're going to explode. Yeah, it's. It's the problem. No, it just. It was the first time she sucked my dick. Wow. How did you convince her to suck Your dick. She loves ice cream. I. I just asked. Did you have stage dick? Like, was it all sweaty and gross? No, it was. It was like two in the. After stage dick red band. That's a thing for. You said a couple night. No, I. No, I. I showered previous. I. I knew it was coming. So I was like, yo, you prepared? Okay. Yeah. Okay. I know that all that. What I said was gross, but I'm pretty hygienic, you know? Yeah. Shower and stuff. But see, you really think that perhaps because this was her first time doing that. So she had no. There was no. She couldn't have known that it was going to be that bad. But I also, like, I. I didn't know my load hadn't been in anyone. You hadn't tasted it yet. Yeah. Have you. Have you perhaps taken a little. I never have since the street Ozempic. No, I. Well, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna have you blow a load into a shot glass and we're going to have. Let me see here. Let's have the angry girl with east side bangs do it. Jesus. Oh, yeah. Nothing has made her smile today. It is absolutely incredible. I should make you throw up. All right. Right. We got to keep it moving along. Mike, you already have a big joke book here, right? I do. Mike Eaton, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Some fun interviews today. It's that time that we get around to one of the legends of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this regular is one of the greatest regulars of all time, one of the youngest comedians to ever be a regular on this show. And every week writes and performs a brand new. This is the Anomaly, the one and only Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Street Olympic is just heroin. I want you to know that. That's how that is. This is happy, happy St. Patrick's Day, white people. Hell yeah. Yeah. I fucking hate this holiday, nigga. It's terrible. It's the gayest holiday ever. It's an excuse for white people to get drunk and then try to touch you. That's all it is. Oh, you don't have on green, I see. I'm gonna punch the fuck out you, Tim. Back the fuck up, nigga. I hated it, so. And it's. The mascot is gay. The mascot is gay? Yeah. Leprechauns are gay, man. Leprechaun was the first gay nigga ever. That's what that is. If you fight me behind this rainbow, I got some gold for you. That's gay. It's gonna be a Midget with his dick out. When you get back there with no gold, he's just gonna piss on you. That's all that's gonna happen. It's a good old fashioned golden shower, brother. Even like how you spell leprechaun is gay for real. Watch it. I'm gonna spell it. Watch this. L, G, B, T, Q. That's gay, nigga. Gay as hell. Y'all thought I was finna spell leprechaun? This is crazy. That's it. That's the time. The St. Patty's Day special from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Woo. Glad to get out of that one, dog. That was. Yeah. Hell yeah, man. I'm happy Cam Patterson has done it again. Hell yeah. How's life going, my friend? Life's good. I just bought. I bought really good toilet paper the other day. Ooh, nice. And now I'm excited about it. How do you know was good toilet paper with that Sherman, with the bear? Oh, hell yeah. We got the bear on it now. We doing it, mama. We made it. We doing it. We got the toilet paper with the bear on it. What were you using before that? Good oldfashioned. See, we always get Airbnbs on the road and I just still. Me and all my home. We just steal the toilet paper from the Airbnbs. Wow. That's what we was doing, but now I got that Sherman dog. Wow. I think it's sharp what it's called. How you call it? Not Sherman. Sherman. Charmin. I like Sherman better. That's a better name. You know what? You can call it whatever you want. Old fashioned, charming. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah, I like it. Huh? Charmin. I cannot spell that. No. Hell no. Hell no. Are you a big fan of Nat Charman? Who that is? Okay, I forgot, you're a young phenom. Who is. Who is now who is that Sharma? You know, I wish I was confident. Confident enough to tell you, but a famous. A famous black guy. Oh, hell yeah. That's what's up. Let's go to our. Let's go to our senior black guy correspondent, Ian Edwards. Do you know who Nat Sherman is? Nat Sherman. I think he just made that shit up. Can't be a real person, that Sherman. Yeah, well, history is written by the victors. You know Sherman Helms. Oh, I know he's written by the victors. Yes. No, I know. Nat Sherman, I believe, was a. Was a revolutionary figure for black rights during the period. Nat Sherman is the cigarette. It's a famous fancy cigarette. We have a Nat Turner. Yeah, yeah. There we go. Yeah, I know that person, but he never stole toilet paper. It's not stealing. It's borrowing. It's borrowing. It's kabaroing. Sherman don't change even though you're buying Sherman now still steal toilet paper? Oh, yeah, for sure. Do you take other things from the Airbnbs? No, only toilet paper. How about hotels? Do you do any weird things in hotels? Ooh, towels be took. You take towels? Yeah. What? Yeah, I take them and I wash them extra hard when I get home. Right? But I take towels. For sure, I take towels. What else? I. Never mind. Nothing else? No, it's good. I don't take nothing else. Real religious talk to my heart, homeboy. My dog jar, he about to roll with me. He take everything. Huh? He take a lot of. But mainly toilet paper at first. That's a good idea. But now I got Sherman. Right? I'm excited. I'm excited, man. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I w. I wiped with it for the first time today, though. How did it make you feel? Super clean. Wow. Super clean. I was like, this is great. The older. You know what I'm saying? The one ply and make your asshole bleed. You feel. But that's charming. That sweet little teddy bears back there. Come on, man. Have you tried like, dude wipes or a bidet or anything like. That's what I do. Wipes. That's. I don't like his wet. I don't like that black people think that bidets are gay. The bidets are gay. Yes. Yeah. Well, I'm not thinking about it. Wipe my ass with a. With a toilet paper with a bear on it is kind of gay. Yeah. Having a bear near your ass technically is gay. Yep. Hopefully you don't have any honey in there. I got honey at my house. Not in your ass, though. No, not in my ass. No, no, no, no. At my house, though. I drink a lot of tea. Ah. I drink a lot of tea. I do. I like tea, man. Tea is good for you. When did you start drinking tea? When I got money. This is all new stuff. I love these interviews with Cam, cuz you get to see what success is like in real time. With Cam. I got tea now. You got tea drinking tea. Yeah. I'm rich. Rich. Three tea, man. Hell yeah. That's right. Good for you. Man's drinking tea. Cam's drinking tea. Hey, give me a tea over here. I'm doing okay. That's hard. Absolutely. What kind of tea do you drink? All type of tea. Really? I like Earl tea. I like that One. I like the. The chai tea. I like chai tea. I like some tea. I got it just called energizing. That's good. It got caffeine in it. Okay. Hell yeah. I love tea, bro. Tea is good for you. Okay. Absolutely, T. Pain. That worked. They didn't get that, but I got. Okay, I got it. This tea pain, like the rapper Crackers. Y'all get it? I'll figure it out. Like to call it Grizzly Tea. Grizzly. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Now tea goes hard, fam. Tea is great. Tea is great. Yo, tea is phenomenal, dog. I like tea. You with coffee? No, not really. Me neither. Yeah, me neither. See? Yeah, Coffee make you shit. Yeah, yeah, but now you got all that. Charming. Maybe you should drink some coffee. See, we be figuring out on here. Man, this is dope. Next. Oh, next level, Cam. Unbelievable as always, the man, the myth of legend, Automatic Cam Patterson every week, making it look easy. Special St. Patty's Day set today. That was fun. From one cam to another, back to the bucket we go. But back to back, cams spelled with K's. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Cam G. Cam G. Here he is. Man, that's cool. Two cams in a row. I'm like the opposite, though. Tall, white, and not as good as comedy. No, it is an honor to be on the stage though. It is. Kiltoni has done a lot to progress the art of comedy. In fact, Kill Tony is so progressive that as a straight white male, I am a diversity hire. If the Aryan race was Hitler's dream, this shit is his worst fucking nightmare. Be very disappointed. Somewhere in Argentina he's rolling in his grave. But no, unlike most felt or if I do become a failed artist, I won't blame it on the Jews. I will blame it on whoever is controlling the hot singles in my area that keep promising the world and breaking my heart. All right, I'm done. Bye. Okay, Cam G, here we go. So how long you been doing stand up, Cam? Nine months. Nine months? Where at? Where have these nine months taken all? Fort Worth, Texas. Okay. And what made you drive down to Austin today? Oh, actually, it was my birthday weekend. Okay, What'd you do to celebrate your birthday? Oh, just came down, did some bar hopping, exploring the city, and then tried comedy. So you've been here all weekend? Yeah, yeah, I got an air me for, like, the whole weekend. Okay. Was there toilet paper in the Airbnb? There was, yeah. Okay. I bring wipes with me, though, everywhere I go. Wow. Yeah, that's white shit. Yeah, but he also has to clean up after all his murders. He doesn't want to get caught. Yeah, you do have a vibe to you. What do you do for a living, Cam? I'm a bartender. Okay. In Fort Worth. In Fort Worth? Yes. All right. What kind of bar is it? What's the theme of the bar? Oh, man. I was a bartender at a comedy club. You were a bartender at a comedy club? What happened? They saw your act. Yeah. Are you no longer a bartender? No. Like, two weeks ago, I quit. You quit? Yes. So how are you going to survive? How much money did you save up? Oh, I'm all right. I'm asking you exactly how much money you saved up Now. I'm a disabled veteran, and I'm in school, so. You're really a veteran? Yeah. Right. You know what? He was giving me strong sniper vibes. Yeah. Yeah. It's quite the opposite. I just worked on computers. You do look like the guy that hit Trump in the ear from if you're kmg. How bad were Cam A through F? Not easy. You did a fine job. You look cool. What. What branch of the military were you? I was in the Navy. Okay. And what exactly did you do on the computers? I was a fire controlman. What exactly did they do when. Here's the Navy? Stick with me here. What exactly does that mean? Fire controlman does fire control. So it's like. Like radars and also, like, the giant big gun on the ship. I. That was like, my gun. Oh. So do you shoot it sometimes? Yeah, like, I'm the one that shoots it. Wow. Yeah. Incredible. So Nar. So good, Cam. Come on, G. So what do you do for fun, Cam? You seem like you're into some weird. Let's talk about it. Spill the beans right here. I just drink. I don't drink. Nope, that's not what I'm talking. No. Are you saying, like, I was like. Oh, some, like, really weird shit that I like to do. Pee up. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh. How did you know? It's asking a lot of me right now, man. So what is it? I can't think of something, like, crazy. I like, bowl, but, like. Hey. Okay, now we're kind of talking. Okay, cool. What's your average? I keep, like, a 190. 190? Yeah. Oh, is that good? I don't know. I'm not a bowler because it's 2025. But you got cargo pants. That's. I do. Worrisome. Cool. What's your love life like? Cam G, Is it mostly binoculars through windows? Nah, I got a girlfriend. Wow. What is your. What is your girlfriend? What does she do for a living? She's also a bartender. Yeah. Okay. And she's still working, obviously. Where'd you guys meet? At work. Still has a job. Yeah. Same place? No, not the same place. Okay. That was a different bar. Where'd you meet her there? Yeah, her place. Yeah. She was bartending. You were having drinks. And then what happened that first time that you guys hung out? Exactly. How does that go down? Were you like, hey, I want to go to. Want to go to my plate. Want to go to my parents place? Like a. How old are you? 28. 28. Okay. So that first hangout with your new girlfriend, where. How did that go down? It went really good. She's cool. I like her. Yeah, but, like, what was the line that you said to her? Oh, I mean, like, I had just been going to the bar, so I just. I. You just kept going. Like, it was just, like, casual, like, little here and there's. And then eventually I was like, all right, I need to say something. How long have you been with her if she's single? I think we're, like, on, like, four months now. Four months. So if you're. If you're. If you're watching out there and you're having girl trouble, all you have to do is haunt a woman's place of work. Yeah. Yeah, that's. You just go there. You stare at her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Let her know that you're on, that she's on your radar. Yeah. I know where you are most the time. You leave here late, don't you? I've got a big gun. Don't make me use it. Okay, Cam G, what scares you? What are you afraid of in this world? Don't say black people. Death. I don't know. Geez, Cam, you're a real tough interview. Cam, you ever fired that gun on that ship? What's up? You ever fired the gun on that ship? Did you ever shoot anybody with the big gun on your face? Anybody? Like, it was just practice, okay? We never actually killed people. Were you good at hitting the targets? Yeah. What's the craziest thing about your life? Perhaps it's your parents, the way you were raised. Perhaps something happened to you. Perhaps you accomplished something. You won an award, or you saved someone's life, or you almost died or something like that. Absolutely. Anything interesting? Because you look like you'd be interesting, but my God, you're not. I'm so. Look, I'm. I'm so nervous right now. It's okay. That's part of it. Everyone else was nervous too. We had an innocent. The most innocent Aryan white woman you've ever seen in your life. And I gave her basically five seconds to come up with the blackest thing about her, and she fucking nailed it. So being nervous has nothing to do with it. Yeah, you're right. That's the show that you signed up for. You don't just get to suck and say I'm nervous. You pretty much. You tell the truth, and then you're up here with four very funny people in red band. Yeah. Oh, man. Redbien. Okay, you got your whole life to reference here. Perhaps your parents did something, or in school something happened. Or once in the military, something happened to you or something, anything. My mom's bipolar. Well, all of our moms are bipolar. Come on. Women are. There's gotta be something. Yeah, she's a woman, isn't she? You know. You know what I'm saying, brother? You know, you dirty dog. Cam looked like he got secrets. Yeah, exactly. I know that there's some good interviews behind you, but you're a little bit shy right now. Perhaps you're on the run. That's why you have your hat so low, man. My ex. My ex girlfriend is my ex boyfriend now. Okay. Okay. Wow. Where the fuck did that come from? You gotta lead with that, fam. I really. The interview was almost over. What the fuck were you holding that back for? My ex boyfriend. My ex girl. What the fuck is wrong with you? We're talking to you here, begging you to say something. And you. You have this falling, huh? Yeah, my mom is bipolar. You son of a. Yeah. Your ex girlfriend is now your ex boyfriend? She became a boy. She became a man. Yes. How. How long ago were you dating her? God, I really hope she doesn't watch this show. If I'm guessing, based on the demographics of that subculture, I'm guessing she. They don't watch this show. Right? Yeah. No. Yeah. Saying that, what did you ask me? I'm sorry. How long did you date her for? For like a year. Did you see any manly characteristics in her during that year? It came out of left field. Like it surprised the out of me. It came out of left field? Yeah, left field. What? There was nothing. There was no. She never tried to wear a strap on or anything like that? No. No, she wasn't anything weird? No. So all the times you stalked her at the bar, you never saw nothing like this coming? Nothing Manly at all. She never tried to pick up the tab or open the door for you or support you in any way, no matter. Matter what kind of day you were having. Did she know how to tell a story that was funny? Yeah, exactly. I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard. All right, not up here, Cam G. Here you go. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Cam G, everybody. And it goes on and on. We're having fun here tonight. Oh, look at these two people are about to make out while going in and out of the bathrooms. Hello. Okay, this looks like a fun name. Looks like a new name. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for On Car Singh. On Car Singh. Here he is. I. I'm single. I'm trying to date, and all of my friends and family, they're in relationships, and they're always trying to give me advice. You know, they're like, be safe out there, man. STDs are on the rise. Be safe. Oh, my God, it's so scary. It's like, yeah, STDs are scary. But you know what's scarier than STDs? Dating today as a man is how expensive dating actually is. Dude, I went on a date with a woman a couple of weeks ago, and honestly, I much rather would have gotten crabs from her in the bedroom than have to pay for crabs at the dinner table. All of my friends like, oh, my God, HIV is so scary. Hiv. You know what's scarier than hiv? MKT market price. We don't even know how much this shit costs. I didn't know there's a market for it. I'm on Robin Hood trying to short the stock. I'm doing everything. But I did bring that girl home afterwards, and she was a little heavy set. She was a little big. She was fat. And we get back to my place, we're making out. She takes my pants off, and she sees my uncut gem, and she goes, ew, you have extra skin. And I was like, you have extra skin, you big bitch. What the hell? Ankar Singh has reached his maximum time limit. Indeed. Hello. Welcome to the show. Look who was laughing at him. Oh, well, well, well. We finally found our fucking weak point. Huge victory for you, sir. Well done. Hello, Sam. Hey. How are you? Pretty good. I'm upset that the bear went off at the punch, but it's okay now. What was the punchline? You calling her a big fat bitch or something? She had a big vagina. She had a meaty vagina. Yeah. I was Pretty fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was very meaty and like empty. Was that it? Was that, was that what you say? Yeah. So she says I have extra skin because I'm uncut. And then I said, you have extra skin. You. Yeah, that was it. Okay, Ankar Singh, so what ethnicity are you exactly? Temple of Doom? I'm Punjabi. We're like northern Indian. Okay, yeah. See? Important. Yes. See, the warriors, I guess protected the Hindus from the Muslim menace. Thank you. You recognize that? That's what every cab driver won't shut up about. So. Yeah, yeah, I've heard this. I've heard this story a bunch, man. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Wow. Ankar Singh, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? Two years in Houston. Two years in Houston. Unbelievable. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. What kind of engineer are you? Aeronautics. Okay, what exactly do you do for aeronautics? I can't really talk about it. Does that mean you're going to fly a plane into a tower? Absolutely. Little bit. Little bit. You guys are brave. You're the bravest ones. Yeah. On car, you've been doing it two years, all of it in Houston. Is that where you're born and raised? Yeah. You're born and raised in Houston. Your father work in oil? No, he worked at a gas station. Okay, that's close. Yeah, fucking close. That counts. That is unbelievably close. How about your mom, what does she do? She doesn't really work. She's retired. Traditional home. Yes, very. And what do you like to do for fun on car? Typical Indian stuff. I guess I just spend my evenings doing stand up. That's really it. And then working throughout the day. Yeah. And then you get in all those dust ups with Aladdin's monkey. I've noticed that Indian men tend to only date Indian women. Is that true in your case? Not me, no. I'll date anything but. Wow. Anything but. Yeah. Absolutely unbelievable. Have you been with a black woman? I've slept with one, yes. You've slept with one? There was a lot of oil in my bed the morning after. Wow. Incredible. That's not bad. It's true. From all my racist jokes. What kind of. I mean, how do you know it was. How do you know it was her and not you? Because I don't really secrete that much. Secrete might have been the most racist word you could have used. Secrete is insane, bro. Yeah, you should have kept that part a secret. Wow. Absolutely. Unbelievable. Where did you meet this girl? This black one night stand doing comedy. Oh, okay. She's a comedian as well. No, she wasn't. She was in the audience. Wow. And she thought you were so funny. I guess so. Yeah. And you invited her back to your place? We did. And is that your only time that you've been with a black woman? Yes, that was the only time. Okay, so tell us more about it. What did you notice being with a black woman that different than being with a white woman? They talk a lot. Well, you shouldn't have taken her to a movie. What was she talking about? Sorry, Ian. Just, like, apology accepted. I don't know a bunch of, like, stuff about black history, and I didn't really pay attention to much of it. Yeah, you didn't want to hear. You're just trying to fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Okay. And then she showed up the next week at the same spot, and I kind of just pretended like she didn't exist. Wow. And, yeah, I never talked to her since. Wow. You came out here so likable. The market price joke was great. That was a great joke. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Do you use a condom with her? Yes. How long do you think you lasted during that sexual experience? Like, 12 or 13 minutes. That's a really exact number. I like that. Very honest. Very honest. If you could teach some of these other people how to answer questions during an interview. Yeah, that would be amazing. That is a very honest answer. Almost like you had your own timer going or something like that. Like a bomb. Like a bomb of some kind. On car. What does Ankar mean in your language? It's the first word in our book. It means, like, oneness with God and, like, the interrelatedness of everything. And I think my mom kind of up with that. Yeah. Yeah. I have it in my car. That's OnStar. Ah, yeah. That's a different thing. This is on car. I was trying to set up the Nat Sherman thing that way, too, but no one. No one spiked the volleyball. I thought maybe there was an actual Nat Sherman that the cigarette was named after, but who knows? They are Menthol. Ankar. What are some. What are some lifelong goals that you have that you want to accomplish before you die? I don't know. Be good at comedy. Make people laugh. Other than that, buy a car for my mom. For your mom? Yeah. Wow. What kind of car? She has an Acura tsx. And what do you want to get her? I don't know, like a mom car. Wow. Like a Lexus or something. Or suv. My dreams are very achievable. I keep them low. Mom. It's me on car. I got you a mom Car. Yeah. Allah Akbar. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Well, on car. Welcome to the show. I like your style. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. There you go. On cars. Been doing it two years. This is a very, very lucky bucket pull for me because this is one of my favorite ones of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world. In an absolute coincidence, this has been happening lately. A lot of the good, rock solid comedians here at the Mothership have been signing up for the show, people that we all know and stuff like that. Because with the show's popularity growing, this is a place to get seen and sell tickets. This guy has been opening up for me on the road lately. An absolute fun hang. We work together throughout the week here at the Mothership. One of the first people to move here from la. One of my favorite humans in the world. So this is a brand new minute from Assan Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. Man, it is a scary time to fly. You know how I know it's bad? I'm also nervous at the airport. I am on your side. The energy to me on an airplane has shifted dramatically in the last two months. Cause when I used to walk on a plane, people looked at me like, what's he up to? What's he planning? But now when I walk on a plane, people look at me like, well, if this thing goes down and we need someone to take over, he might have the right training. It's a scary time to fly. A military helicopter crashed into a passenger plane. When that happened, I was like, oh, things are different. Because when I was younger, when the American government wanted to ram an aircraft into something, they outsourced it. The jobs are coming back, baby. They're coming back. Hasan Ahmad. I love it. Hasan, you did it again. All the jokes that I would make about you, I made it the last guy, unfortunately. Temple of doom. Allah Akbar. Ladies and gentlemen, a second Muslim has hit the show. Yeah, it is. It is nine minutes later. @ some point, at some point, the whole stage is gonna completely collapse, and we'll never forget it. Were you angry when on Car came on right before you? I was like, oh, hopefully he doesn't make any airport jokes. He was Punjabi. Yes. He was a dirty Indian. Oh. What is the difference between you and him? He is a Indian Hindu. I am a Bangladeshi Muslim. He's okay. Explain the difference to the mass of white people. While you guys are done having your side conversation there, explain the difference to everybody. No, he is seekers. You're right. It's just. It's just different religions. All right, still trying to. All right, let's go for a fourth time here. What's the difference between. Between the two of you? Explain it to the people that are just American, that don't give a fuck about the real difference, but are curious to know. It's all just like different cultural differences within like different tribes in the whole area. Like what. What's a big difference? So you know, we're Muslim, it's Ramadan, we're fasting, and they don't do any of that. Ah. And what do they do? That almost seems like a dig. I have no idea. I actually don't really know that much. It almost seems like a dig. Like you're saying they don't have any. Dislike discipline or anything like that. Like, I've noticed this with Jewish people. Like, they'll be like, well, our people, those Jews are. Are you doing that right now? Are you kind of hating on the other type of Indian? No, I'm not actually. Right. You wouldn't want to hate against them because you're Muslim and Muslims don't hate anything. So it's eating when the sun's Hasan. What else, buddy? What else is going on in this wacky world of yours? So I went to Tulsa and they had this. I went to this museum and they had exhibit on the KKK. And the KKK, their guidebook in 1915 was called the Cloron. Whoa. Yeah, so I bought one and it came a couple days ago. So I started reading it. It's very like kind of like Dungeons and Dragons. Y. Uh huh. You know, like everyone has like their own, like, oh, I'm the Exalted Cyclops. I'm the Grand Dragon. And they have their own sort of rules and stuff. So it's interesting. I'm thinking of doing an audiobook. Yeah. Because one does not exist of it. That sounds like fun. That is incredible. What are your. I've met your parents before when we were on the road doing San Jose. Yes. They're nice people. Explain. To explain to these people what your parents are like. Well, my parents are the most adorable people. My dad's like 4 11. My mom's 5 1. Yeah. Not to be confused with 711 or 9 11, which they're also completely responsive. 411 is a whole different thing. These people love the 11s. Yeah. Because they look like World Trade Centers. All right. Yeah. But my. My dad is an aerospace engineer at NASA and my mom's a dentist. Your dad's an Aerosmith. Yeah. Walk this way. Talk this way. Jamie's got the gun. All right. Laro Smith references. I love it. Ahsan, you are so much fun. I always love seeing you, man. Thank you. Appreciate that. I love seeing you too, Sam. There you go. Yeah, yeah. You. You currently have one of. I never do this to a comedian, and you might not want to. I'm kind of putting you on the spot. But you currently have one of the. My favorite jokes. Would you mind sharing it with these. With these beautiful people out here? It might not work because I'm putting you on this spot, but it might destroy. I don't know. All right, do you guys want to see my impression of an Indian pussy? God damn it. It worked. Who would have guessed? That is yet another appearance by the great assassin Ahmad, ladies and gentlemen. Assan. Where can they find you? You have the podcast with Derek Poston, and I have a podcast with Derek Poston called the Solid Show. Check it out. It's a lot of fun. And your. And your Instagram is Assan J. Ahmad. That is E H S A N A H M E D M A D M A D. That's how good of friends we are. Make some noise one more time for Asana Mod, ladies and gentlemen. All right, this have been a. This is what I would consider a perfect episode. Some compelling interviews, a couple light bombings, some returns of some people throughout the show. Some great new faces. Let's get one last bucket. Pull up here, and then put a ribbon on this thing. Make some noise for what has to be the Kill Tony debut, or else I would recognize the one word name of Nino. Everybody, we're gonna meet, meet Nino together here. 60 seconds. Then an interview from Nino. Oh, the Tesla bots. AI. The future is here. Where my Latinos at? Yastubo Secavo. No more el trabajo. Jose, did you get the job? No, they gave it to the robots. He's cheaper. Bike says hate it when they don't work. Dude, I could just picture Tesla bots selling fruit on the side of the highway. Like, 3, 4, 5. Try it. Very good. Very sweet. There's not gonna be homeless people no more. Just homeless robots. All the obsolete ones. Please, sir, help my wife. She needs a new lithium battery. Think of the children. All right, dude, here's 10 bucks. I'm a good person. Cholos are going to send the robots on missions. Just like a fool. Send the robot to go pick up the sack dog. The cops won't check them. All right, that's my time. Thank you. You know, Nino, this has been a Hell of an episode, I got to tell you. And I have never done this before in this show's illustrious history. You. You. There are some people that have won what's known as the golden ticket, where you can come back anytime you want. There's some people in the history of the show that were immediately made regulars, which means you have to write and perform a new minute every single week. Nino, you are the first person to ever be deported. Immediately. We are shipping you to wherever the whatever language you just spoke came from. You do not get to pass go. You do not collect $200. We. I don't know if you know this. I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America. Oh. And my connections are so rock solid that there's literally agents waiting for you. Immediately. These guys are nodding their heads because they know Yoni is giving a thumbs up right now. It is absolutely incredible. Incredible. You just lost American citizenship live on the show. It is amazing. Let's talk about you, Nino. How long you been doing stand up? About three years. Three years. Where at exactly? All here in Austin. In Austin. Wow. That is amazing to me. What do you do for work? I deliver groceries for a living. I'm an essential worker. Okay, sure. All right. What do you do for fun? Let's see, you know, hang out with the boys. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? You guys want to hear the craziest thing? Yeah. I set a homeless man on fire once. Okay. Wow. I'm gonna put this little joke book down and follow up with some questions. What do you mean you set a homeless person on fire? Hear me out here. Might actually get deported. We are fulfilling the prophecy, lady. Ladies and gentlemen, I was kidding. And now it's becoming true. All right, so I'm from the hood, from Santa Ana, California, and Mexicans in the hood, they love fourth of July. We love it more than rednecks. So my neighborhood was known for going crazy on fourth of July. So a lot of friends came over from high school and all that stuff. It's about one or two o'clock in the morning. We still have some fireworks. So I had the bright idea, like, hey, guys, let's go to the main boulevard, throw fireworks at cars and mess with people. So on the way to the main street. How old are you during this? I was probably like 15, 16 in high school. Yeah. Thank God. That makes sense. Okay, so. So there's. There was this liquor store notorious for, like, homeless people hanging out. It Was called Natty's Liquor. So I don't know if you guys know what a Piccolo Pete is. So I had some. I had some Piccolo Pete's in my pocket. I had the bright idea to light it, and I was gonna throw it at the bum to scare him, but my aim, my throat was so good, it landed on top of him. And this guy was, like, blacked out, plastered, and he just. The pickle beat just went off and he just engulfed in flames. So then, hold out. So we rush over there. Wait, wait, wait. It gets better. Whoa, hold on, hold on. So we rush over there to put it out. He's all fucked up. He doesn't know what's going on. He's like, whatever. So then we continue our little adventure on the boulevard. We get hit up by some gangsters. We're throwing fireworks at them or whatever. They have a paintball gun. My homie Allen is like, hey, I'm gonna go get my paintball gun. Follow me back to my house. So we start walking back, and I see the liquor store. I see a trail of smoke and I go, no way. That's not. That can't be the bum. Like, we literally put him out, dude. We run towards the liquor store, the guy's on fire again. So we're like, fuck. So this time we try to get water. We throw water on him, put it out, and we saved him. And I didn't go to jail, he didn't die. So, yeah, wow. I'm a good citizen, guy. Don't. Don't deport me. That's not even the darkest story after that fucking Jimmy guy on mushrooms, so. Well, Nino, sign up again. Do a. Do a better minute next time, all right? You got three years under your belt. For the love of God, dude, speak English. There he goes. Nero, ladies and gentlemen. And with that means that there's only one thing that could end an episode like this. William is taking this episode off. Yeah, I know, I know. He's. He needs. He needs some time off to prepare for the big upcoming show. But, you know, we have a freak of nature here who almost never asks for a week off. This guy has the work ethic of a true American, even though he technically is not yet won. But soon he will be. I guarantee it. We're gonna trade Nino's citizenship in, make him a Mexican again, and this guy will take his place as an American. I present to you the phenom, the undeniable, the one and the only. This is the Estonian assassin, Ari. Matt. Hello. Hello. So I was Trying to get some. I went to a bar, didn't have the balls to do nothing. I don't know how some guys do that. They just go to a bar and start just fucking. It's a numbers game. You know those guys. I never walked up to a girl at a bar. I always feel fucking creepy. Isn't it creepy? I feel creepy. Cause we both know what I want. Like, every time I talk to girls at bars, I feel like America, when you guys talk to the Saudis, like, we both know I want to drill the shit out of you, but we need to be diplomatic. Thank you so much. So much fun. Perfect. He's done it again. Hello. All right. I love your book. Oh, my God. That's how we met, by the way, with the book Running the Light by the great Sam Tal. Amazing. Two L's in the Middle, available Everywhere Forward by Doug Stanhope. No doubt about it. That's right. Ari, I'm so happy for your success, man. I'm so happy for you bringing me over to this universe. Look at us now. Look at us now. Sam brought you over. Yeah. Tell me more about that. So how we actually met. This I wanted to read. I'm. I'm actually. I know I don't look like it, but I actually read. You look like you read? Yeah. You're European. I don't have glasses though. Well played. Yes. Yep. I'm not a fucking nerd. Yeah, I read a book. No, I read a book like this. Yeah. Yeah, Dude. Sometimes I change the COVID of a book, you know, like I put Tostoyevsky or something. But inside it's like. It's like the story of Bruce Lee or some shit, you know? And I tried to. Yeah, I wanted to get that book when it came out because I was like, oh, my God, comedy. I love it. And then there was no Amazon. I couldn't fucking get it. And I wrote to you on an off chance that the world famous Sam talent will respond. And I wrote to you like, maybe I can get a. I don't. I was just honest. I was like, I'm in Estonia. Don't worry about it. You know, we don't have Amazon. And then you just send me a free book. And then a couple of months later, Sam is like, hey, I'm coming to Estonia. So I set him up for a few gigs. We had a great time. Went to a party. I djed only for you and for you. Yeah. Wow. I told Sam, like, the after party's gonna be awesome. It was me and him staring at Each other. Literally. Yeah. He played insane Eastern European techno. And you kept going like, I gotta go. And I was like. And the security guy locked the door. I was like, you ain't going nowhere. Where do you go? Cotton Ajo. Yeah. Yeah. We've been friends ever since, man. And now you're over here and you're. You're making hay as the sun shines upon you, wearing green. Yeah. By accident. Totally. I don't. I don't care about the Patrick. I don't care. You had. It's crazy. The whole 6th street full of. With the Patrick, you know? Are you telling me you had no idea that. No. Patrick's Day you wore that. There's no way you ran, you know, St. Patrick by accident. It's not even a logo on that. Yeah. Green T shirt. Yeah. It's like the most St. Patrick's Day shirt I know. Any day of the year, I would literally be like, what is it? St Patrick's Day in Estonia? I. For Halloween, I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. So I just got the T shirt. That's good enough. Oh, my. It looks like they issued it to you at Ellis Island. Like, hey, welcome to America. We wear this on this date. And you were like, oh, crazy, man. Or however, you know, like, oh, dude, that's crazy. I do not like a Patrick. I don't even know what it's about. What's. What's it about? Well, I'm not wearing green because I'm a masochist. I didn't get it. I like to be pinched. Oh. I still think. Read a book like mine. Running the light. Available March 25th. No, it's up, man. When I emailed you and asked you for a copy of the book. To be fair, you did live in America, though. Still, it would have been easier. And I'm a better DJ also. I have no doubt. Ian. Yeah. You should have seen it, man. It was fucked in there. How did it end up just being the two of you? Like, that's how I like to party. One on one. Yeah, I do. It was more intimate. I know. Americans love when it's like. Oh. Just every time they go to a bar here, everyone's up in your. Dude. It was me and you, lovely. One bartender, one comedian, one dj. What a party. Yeah. Wow. Sometimes when I talk, I just pause the music. We talk, and then I continue. Whenever I did a cool dance move, you would just restart the track. Yeah. Yeah. It was magic, man. Yeah. Because you go out here, music is. Am I older? Music is too Loud. You know, everywhere I go, music too fucking loud. Can't talk. I agree. I don't like a loud bar. Yeah, hey, Vancouver, Washington. I'll be there March 29th. Well, Ari, anything else crazy we should know about before I let you go? Well, I don't know. I've been, you know, traveling. Oh, okay. Okay. I have. Okay. I have something stupid that happened. I went to a hotel. Okay. St. Petersburg, Florida. See, I never knew. I've never been to Florida. I mean, we went with you to Orlando and it was, you know, it was what I expected. Very. So I expected all of Florida to be like, have you been to St. Petersburg? Of course. So beautiful. Nothing like the original, dude. No no, the original is a dump, dude. And by accident there was some fucking fest. Every time I go to a fucking place, there's a festival and there's no fucking rooms for the hotel. So I got a hotel. I thought it was a deal. I go to the hotel and I find out it's like a gay hotel. Oh, what's the name of this hotel? Yeah, what's the parking? Like? I walk in, I couldn't immediately tell that it's gay. But they were very happy to have me, you know I'm saying. Oh, I bet. Like I'm. Yeah, I've never had such excitement when I walk into a hotel, you know, they were ready to check me in, you know what I'm saying? And I don't know, like, I didn't even know like, that fucking. I'm sure Estonia has a fucking gay hotel somewhere, but it's like underground with a secret fucking. It's not on booking.com, you know, it's one scared guy and a DJ being like, who will suck who? Dude, when I checked in, yeah, it was crazy. They asked me, like, what kind of room you want? And I started planning. I was like, fuck, I gotta stay here all night. So I took like, third floor. I was like, give me the back corner. My theory was like, if I'm in the back, far away from the elevator when the suck and fuck starts happening, you know, when they start to fuck room to room, you know, it's like Benny Hill. Yeah, yeah, I'm 369. You got 300. Maybe they're all fucked out by the time they get to me, you know? Or three, six, seven. Yeah. And then there were two more rooms to the corner. 3, 6, 9. And then I realized, holy shit, gay guys, they'll never quit before they hit 369. Dude. I stayed out all night in Florida. I even went to the hotel late because I was like, hoping they'll fucking fall asleep. Yeah, gay guys don't stay up late. Yeah, dude, I went there. 3:00am Prime City, dude. Because I saw them printing one key card. Like, they give me one key card, but I saw them printing seven. You know what I'm saying? They were up to some. And then, dude, gay shit was everywhere. So I go to my room. There's like a picture of four chicken. And I'm like, oh, my God, look at these chicken. But then I realized, no, it's, you know. Oh, my God. Three different types of lotion. Three different lotion. Aloe vera, some natural and some from China that didn't come off. You know what I'm saying? This is incredible. No, everything. Gay. Gay. Gay guys on the walls, in the shower, they're like, did you get the soap? Like a picture? I. I took pictures. I'll show you later. I have the. I have the evidence. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. Lava lamp. Well, that's gay as hell. I know. It's just a big lava lamp. Even the damn lamp be gay. Bam. I bought a banana. Was gay. What? The bed was gay. The bed? Yeah. I mean, I was scared stick. Everything was sticky as shit. Salty too. What was gay about the bed? It was like a real queen. It was a hard bed. Oh, yeah. I think. Well, you know, guys, we. Our knees can take a pounding. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. We don't need to be soft, you know? Yep. But I do have to say what I do have to say. At some point, I did go down to the bar where all the gay guys were hanging out. I gotta say, most wonderful time of my life. Hell yeah. Gay guys know how to fucking party, dude. Yep. Because usually go to bars, you're scared you're gonna get your ass beat or something, dude. All I got was showered with compliments. Just free drinks, a smooch. Dude, things were wonderful. Hell yeah. I love a smooch. Ari, you are a sensation. Thank you so much. I love you. Everybody loves you. And we. We did it again, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Shopify, Bluetooth nicked via open phone. And to goas we are going to London, England at the O2 Arena. There's still some. Actually quite a bit of tickets left for night one of Nashville. I don't think people understand that. Nashville. We added a show. There's a whole arena for sale. Yeah. So you can go see us in an arena in Nashville, Tennessee. And another huge announcement coming. Probably will be out by the time you hear this, you know, maybe we're going back to New York, maybe to a specific venue at some point. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in and it is absolutely incredible of Sam talent with Ian Edwards on like a. On like being beamed up. Sam Talents and Alien. Yeah. Running the Light is available in bookstores everywhere. How about one more time for Sam Talon? Thank you. Hey, real quick, Australia, the uk. I'm coming down there. Uk, Australia. Come to the shows. That's right. Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen. Check out Ian Edwards, comic on YouTube and Instagram. I'm on tour. I'm going to be at the Honda center in a Anaheim, the Maverick center in Salt Lake City. I'm doing standup comedy in a couple arenas, ladies and gentlemen, which is absolutely insane for me. I'm going to try to do really, really good. So if you live near there, go to that and some other venues everywhere. Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun arena and. And some other places. Tonyhenchcliff.com for tickets, let's check in with the great artist, Chris Rogers, local artist, and it's Ari Maddie as a leprechaun, a guy who literally hates St. Patrick's Day being represented. That's priceless. That's gonna be for sale after the show. Red Band, check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. Atx.com Love you guys. 4-6-7th, we make our debut on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, make sure you watch it. Tell your grandparents to watch it. Your parents, your cousins, your children. When you go to your buddy's house, put it on their Netflix. Watch it, sir. Sit the down, you creepazoid. Jesus Christ. Watch it everywhere and then watch it again. Again. Just leave it on in the background sometimes. Put it on and then put it on again. That all counts. And that's it. We love you guys so much. Thank you. God bless America and God bless planet Earth. You know what I mean? I love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. SA this podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name. It sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality. And here's the scariest part. By the time companies tell you your data was stolen, it's already been nearly a year. 277 days. 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