#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE

Summary

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Kill Tony #714 – Luis J. Gomez + Lemaire Lee

Recorded at Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Date: April 15, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony is a classic, raucous night at the Comedy Mothership. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban are joined by frequent guest Luis J. Gomez (Legion of Skanks, creator of Skank Fest) and the charismatic, high-energy Lemaire Lee. Amid a packed house and lively band, a motley crew of stand-up hopefuls and returning favorites brave the stage for one-minute sets, followed by the show’s signature panel roasts, interviews, and wild banter. The episode is bookended by highlights from three regulars (David Jolly, Cam Patterson, and Ari Matty) and features several memorable calls, awkward interviews, and a feel-good job offer that brings the house down.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

Killer Panel & Return Guests (00:00–07:00)

• Setting the Tone

  • Tony and Redban introduce the panel, hyping Luis J. Gomez (“record holder for all time appearances,” “shadowbanned Puerto Rican garbage”), and LaMaire Lee (“goofy debut guest of 2025,” “pro wrestling fan”) with typical irreverence.
  • Tony (05:29): “I have no regrets because contrary to popular belief, I clearly love Puerto Rican garbage. Here it is. Luis J. Gomez. Proof, by the way.”

• LaMaire’s Warm Greeting

  • LaMaire (04:15): “I’m… I’m hanging out.”

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David Jolly’s Opening Set & Chat (07:19–13:54)

• Stand-Up and Roasts

  • Jolly riffs on female presidents, trans women, and social politics, blending irreverence and strong punchlines.
  • David Jolly (08:28): “You be fucking that bitch around the back of her shit, slapping your kneecap like, God damn. Throw it over your shoulder, you big donkey dick bitch. Hell, yeah. That’s my time. Thank y’.”

• Panel Banter

  • Tony teases and interrogates Jolly about his personal life, living situation, and black cultural tropes—especially the infamous “smoke detector beep” stereotype.

  • Tony (11:31): “If you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why it is that the smoke detector beep goes unnoticed with you people and you people only…”

  • Jolly (11:53): “Black people don’t hear. I never heard it. I still don’t hear pinch.”

• Memorable Moments

  • Jolly admits the “whitest thing” about him: “I believe that Sublime is the greatest band of all time.” (12:55)
  • Tony: “Put it on a t-shirt. David Jolly has arrived.” (08:37)

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Notable Bucket Sets & Panel Interviews (14:58–64:59)

Trish Smart (14:58–22:43)

• Trish blends sex, dating, and bodily humor into her tight set.
• Discusses inviting a homeless musician with a dog into her hotel room (gifted by Adam Ray), who then tried to have sex with her:
  • Trish (18:56): “As a joke, I was like, what’s your STD status? And he said, it would be an honor to die with you.”
• Trish shares a personal moment about losing a friend to a ketamine overdose, leading to a surprising admission from LaMaire about a past girlfriend’s death.
  • LaMaire (21:11): “Yeah, I went and I did a show that night, so I understand totally what you’re talking about…”

Marvin Izzy (24:01–30:35)

• Comic works an office/manager material routine.
• Interview discusses Puerto Rican identity and how the Taino indigenous lineage is marked by “rape and colonization.”
  • Tony (26:14): “I always find it so interesting when a culture tries to make themselves a victim.”
• Reveals health issues (recovering from a heart attack) and his past as a backyard wrestler.

RJ McKeegan (31:24–36:09)

• New comic with only a month’s experience. Set filled with awkward confessions and ill-advised jokes about gay alter egos, Nazis, and anal sex; thoroughly roasted by the panel.
  • Tony (32:54): “Rj, you are incredibly unfunny. Let’s talk about it.”
• Panel discusses the hubris and pitfalls of newbie comics.

Matt Sargent (37:07–46:08)

• Matt’s set attacks Austin, local culture, and the club’s demographic, flubbing observational humor and continuously contradicting crowd reality.
• Panel lambastes his negative attitude and repeated references to crowd demographics.

Matt Reavis (56:15–64:59)

• “Orange chicken” joke about Asian/Mexican heritage lands well. Light, self-deprecating and relatable.
  • Tony (57:23): “Orange chicken. Good one. Fuck, yeah.”
• Reveals regrets about unfinished college (three years and $50K in debt).
• Panel roleplays Matt’s approach to women in bars; playful mock-hitting-on-Tony routine.
  • Tony (62:16): “What’s your sign?”

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Standout Regulars & Veteran Performances

Cam Patterson (46:59–55:50)

• Kills with stories about cussing out a maid of honor at his cousin’s wedding ("bitch, Google me!") and dealing with fat women at weddings.
  • Cam (47:58): “I said, respectfully, get the fuck out my face… then a fat bitch came out… She was like, hey, who the fuck even is he? And I went, ‘bitch, Google me’.”
• Panel explores the stereotype of black men ignoring smoke detector beeps and family wedding stories, leading to audience connection and laughter.

Sarah Sloan (83:52–97:36)

• Callback Queen and Horse Impressionist
  • Horse sound brings the house down repeatedly, leading to an impromptu horse impression contest with the panel.
  • Tony (85:13): “This is the greatest horse noise you’ve ever heard.”
• Extremely heartwarming moment: Tony is so charmed by Sarah’s likability, work ethic, and comic presence that he offers her a job on the spot, pledging to match her current salary.
  • Tony (96:27): “We are going to match your salary and have you work for us from now on.… Here’s a big joke book, too. Welcome to the team, Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen.”

Colton Jones (99:00–105:40)

• Sharp, dark, efficient set about redneck culture, dogs & cats, and his conspiracy theorist dad; lauded as “set of the night.”
  • Tony (100:05): “Colton Jones with the set of the night here on Kill Tony, absolutely incredible.”
• Special live moment: Luis J. Gomez instantly books Colton onto Skank Fest in New Orleans. The room erupts.
  • Luis J. Gomez (102:53): “We would love to have you at Skank Fest this year, brother.”
• Colton also invited to open Tony’s show at the Mothership.

Ari Matty (107:25–113:53)

• Estonian powerhouse closes the night with a blisteringly funny Southwest Airlines bit about middle seats and “carrying a Quran.”
  • Ari (107:40): “You try at all costs to keep that middle seat fucking open… Now I carry a Quran. I put that shit down, Hamala.”
• Tony and Luis lavish Ari with praise for his originality and on-the-fly process, noting how regulars like Ari and Cam set the bar for the show’s evolving standard of ferocious, present-tense standup.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Exchanges

• Tony on Views:
  Tony (05:57): “I noticed a direct correlation between you and us only getting like a couple hundred thousand views. Well, I’m shadowbanned for most platforms, Tony. Well, that’s your fault for booking me. You’re an idiot.”
• Luis J. Gomez:
  Luis (05:24): “I’m shadowbanned for most platforms, Tony.”
• David Jolly:
  Jolly (12:55): “I believe that Sublime is the greatest band of all time.”
• Trish Smart’s strange date:
  Trish (18:56): “He said it would be an honor to die with you.”
• Cam Patterson’s roast:
  Cam (47:58): “I went, bitch, Google me, right? The coolest shit I’ve ever said in my life… Don’t Google me, ho. Don’t do that at all.”
• Colton Jones gets booked:
  Luis J. Gomez (102:53): “We would love to have you at Skank Fest this year, brother.”
• Tony to Sarah Sloan’s parents:
  Tony (97:56): "Well, you know what? I’m disappointed in them. You see that? Mr. and Mrs. Sloan, congratulations. Here’s a big joke book, too. Welcome to the team, Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen."

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Episode Structure: Segmented Highlights

| Segment | Comedian or Topic | Timestamps | |--------------------|--------------------------|------------| | Panel Intro | Panel & Band Introductions; Luis J. Gomez, LaMaire Lee | 00:00–07:00 | | David Jolly | Stand-up & Interview | 07:19–13:54 | | Trish Smart | Set & Personal Stories | 14:58–22:43 | | Marvin Izzy | Office Jokes & Taino talk| 24:01–30:35 | | RJ McKeegan | Awkward Newbie Set | 31:24–36:09 | | Matt Sargent | “Sausage Fest” Set | 37:07–46:08 | | Cam Patterson | Regular; Wedding & Google Me| 46:59–55:50| | Matt Reavis | “Orange Chicken”; regrets | 56:15–64:59 | | Tim Stifler | Comedy Club ambitions; wild love story | 65:33–83:08 | | Sarah Sloan | Horse impressions, gets job| 83:52–97:36| | Colton Jones | “Set of the night”; books Skank Fest | 99:00–105:40| | Ari Matty | Closer; Southwest Airlines | 107:25–113:53|

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Notable Running Gags & Interactions

• Smoke Detector Beeps: Multiple bits on black men/households not noticing them, involving both David Jolly and Cam Patterson.
• Job Offers: Sarah Sloan’s on-air job offer sparks a standing ovation.
• Panel Roasts: Deep-dive critiques into contestants’ looks, demeanor, and on-stage choices.
• Bucket Poolers and Regulars: Sharp contrast between raw bucket comics and the polished regulars, which the panel leans into with brutal honesty and encouragement.

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Takeaways for New Listeners

• This episode showcases Kill Tony at its best: a mix of hard-hitting panel banter, raw talent development, crowd work, and genuine surprises.
• The presence of seasoned comics side-by-side with awkward newcomers creates both tension and hilarity, amplifying every moment.
• The human side shines: candid discussions of grief, regret, insecurity, and ambition balance sharp-edged jokes.
• Opportunities can arise unexpectedly—Colton Jones’ set lands him a Skank Fest slot, and Sarah Sloan’s likability gets her a real job offer.
• The camaraderie between Tony, Redban, Luis J. Gomez, and LaMaire Lee is infectious, driving the fast pace and anything-goes energy.

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Final Moments:
The episode closes with praise for comedy’s new “gold rush” era, a call to watch the show on Netflix, and shoutouts for the upcoming Skank Fest.

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Episode links: Kill Tony can be found on DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.

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Summary prepared for comedy fans and aspiring comics; listen to the full episode for the unfiltered, laugh-out-loud Kill Tony experience.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, literally, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Back Cody live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Make some noise for the best damn fan in the land right there. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castle, Dio. On the horns, we have a leprechaun that we found on St. Patrick's Day. We kept him, he's on violin. J. Kenny, Jake Kennedy, everybody is his name. Wow, one of the Kennedys. Hopefully he gets shot in the head by the end of the episode. How about a hand from Big Mike? Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Muhling on the electric gu. John D's on the keys. And this is indeed the one and only live in the flesh, the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. This is the number one live podcast in the world, soon to be an Emmy nominated television show, Brought to you by Blue Nile Talk Space, Voodoo Ranger and ZipRecruiter. How exciting is this? And before we get started, here's a little bit more from all the other amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what? All right. Every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world. This week, no different, ladies and gentlemen, two returning guests, two of my favorites. This is a mixture of chemistry of two hilarious comedians that are willing to truly be themselves on this show. They're not nervous, they're fun. We're gonna have a blast. I present to you one of the record holders for all time appearances as a guest on this show and one of my favorite guests who debuted this year in 2025. Make some noise for Luis J. Gomez and La Mer Lee. Oh yeah, baby. Louis J. Gomez, the creator of Skank Fest, the Legion of Skanks and Story Wars. Skank hands are in the air. The great and Mar Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Huge pro wrestling fan, not getting the size of pop that he was expecting here Powerful. La Mer, one of my favorite goofy debut guests of 2025, makes himself right at home. Very silly.

[B]

I'm. I'm hanging out.

[A]

One of the most likable characters humanly imaginable brought us to the. What?

[B]

These guys look mad.

[A]

No, they're happy. They're happy, Lamar.

[B]

All right, don't make me give you the fist.

[C]

Whoa.

[D]

Yeah, they're actually racist. Like a Puerto Rican and a black guy. We didn't pay for this shit.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[D]

This is Texas. Where's the white people?

[A]

That's right in the audience. Luis J. Gomez is here. Truly, I do believe he may have the record now. For sure. I think.

[D]

I think so. It's 20 some odd appearances. This is where brothers from back in the day was doing the show when it was in the Comedy store. Belly room. 20, 30 people in the crowd. Look at this shit. You guys are going to Netflix. Holy shit.

[A]

Not only does I do believe, not only does he have the record for all time appearances on the show, he also has the record for the least watched episodes ever. I actually glanced through for the first time in forever, I glanced through our video library today, and it's amazing how few some of these episodes were watched. And I noticed a direct correlation between you and. And us only getting like a couple hundred thousand views. I'm like, wait, how's a 4,200,000?

[D]

Well, I'm Shadow banned for most platforms, Tony. Well, that's your fault for booking me. You're an idiot.

[A]

That's it. And you know what? I have no regrets because contrary to popular belief, I clearly love Puerto Rican garbage. Here it is. Louis J. Gomez. Proof, by the way.

[C]

Proof.

[A]

They could have looked that up. Any of the fucking media outlets could have been like, wait, he seems to really love this guy. And Kim Kongdon, truly, like, I mean, jokes.

[D]

Two of the most garbage Puerto Ricans on the planet.

[A]

And meanwhile, they called me racist. And here I am propping you up while you cost me millions of views every time I have you on an episode. You guys know how it works, clearly. All time appearances. But I'm going to remind everybody here anyway about 300 human beings, innocent souls, people that any. I mean, anything can happen here. And they signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna have this. I'm gonna have this gas station attendant fucking pull the first one. You don't have to say it out loud, sir, but Jesus. Now we go wrangle that person from next door. And while we do that, while we get our first bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage one of the finest characters in the history of the show to get us started tonight. This is America's favorite uncle. This is a guy out on the Killers of Kill Tony tour. Absolutely crushing it. An old soul, but a young spirit. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from David Jolly. How y' all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico.

[E]

Hell, yeah. I ain't a political person, but I don't like the way they choose women in the media. You know, like saying women can't be the president and shit. I was raised by a strong black woman. I believe women could do anything a man could do, you know, Clap bitches. I'm talking about y' all. Have a little fucking. Have a little faith in yourself. We let you bitches reading, right? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? The sad part about it is I don't think we ever gonna see a female president unless that bitch is trans. Them good old boys ain't letting no fully loaded bitch in office. They gotta have a dog in the fight. Like, hey, you a woman. But bitch, don't forget where you come from. That's how they did us with Obama. I get it. They had to have a dog in the fight. You know what I mean? We wanted Jesse Jackson. They was like, be fucking for real. Better get this orange nigga and get the fuck out of here before we change our mind. But if you think about it, this is a lot of strong trans women. You know, you got Caitlyn Jenner, Wendy Williams. You know that bitch got a dick. And I know that bitch dick bigger than mine.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[E]

You be fucking that bitch around the back of her shit, slapping your kneecap like, God damn. Throw it over your shoulder, you big donkey dick bitch. Hell, yeah. That's my time. Thank y'.

[A]

All. You big donkey dick bitch. Put it on a T shirt. David Jolly has arrived. David, welcome back to the show.

[E]

Hey, thank you, Tony. It's always great to be here, man.

[A]

Absolutely. You know some good jokes there. I have. I have some beef with your setups. You said that the media said that a woman can't be president, but the media is the only thing that says that a woman.

[E]

Hey, I was. I usually. Well, you know, I fucked up. You know, to me, you know what I'M saying, Mayor, the media, the people.

[B]

I'd vote for a woman.

[A]

Yeah, no shit. You're a liberal pussy, Lemaire. We've had this talk before. We've gotten into awkward talks in the green room. I told you to stop before Rogan can walk back in. Good. I want you to work in the city, Lemaire. Try to save you, dude.

[B]

All right, Never mind.

[A]

Yeah, she was a cop that locked up people that look like you. La Mer. For having less than a gram of weed. She would lock up Lewis right now for spilling a martini if she was.

[D]

I was just so upset that he said he'd vote for a woman, Tony. Incredible. Ridiculous.

[A]

And look, I like women. We just gotta wait for the right one. And I like your premise. I like the whole Caitlyn thing, everything that you got going there.

[E]

Yeah, I appreciate it, man. You know what I'm saying? I'm just speaking facts, you know what I mean?

[D]

Yeah, you're speaking fags.

[E]

Whoa.

[A]

All right. Louis likes any opportunity to say the word fag. And he found one there. There's going to be a lot more windows that open up before the end of the night. David. You know, I never really get to ask you about your personal life. I wonder, what do you. What's your living situation? Do you live by yourself?

[E]

Yeah, I stay by myself.

[A]

You stay by yourself? So it's one bedroom.

[E]

It's a two bedroom, two bedroom.

[B]

Who.

[A]

Who lives in the other bedroom?

[E]

Nobody. Just me.

[A]

You got the whole place?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Y' all walk around that bit. Butt ass naked.

[A]

You run around naked, let them nuts hang out.

[E]

You hear me?

[A]

And you have a couch and a

[E]

TV and a. Yeah, I live pretty good right now. You know, I'm making a little couple dollars. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

My life is actually pretty amazing. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

You have a sound system.

[E]

Oh, you. Hey,

[A]

hey.

[E]

I swear that immune to black people. I ain't hear that.

[A]

Yeah, you didn't hear it at all. I still don't hear.

[E]

I go home and be like, what

[D]

the is red man talking about?

[E]

I don't hear in here.

[A]

Goddamn bird loose.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[E]

Oh, man.

[A]

What do you think if you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why exactly I'm noticing John. John. This was hitting close to home with John Dees. I've never really seen him laugh this hard at something. If you had to speak on behalf of all African Americans on why it is that the smoke detector beep goes unnoticed with you people and you people only. And when I say you people, I mean you people.

[E]

I get it. I get it.

[A]

Let there be no confusion here.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Why. Why do you think it is that black people don't notice that they need to change the batteries in the smoke detector alarm? This is a.

[E]

This is.

[A]

Oh, there's.

[E]

You know that dog whistle that. That we can't hear, but dogs can hear, huh? It's like that with smoking legends.

[A]

Okay?

[E]

Black people don't hear. I never heard it. I still don't hear pinch.

[B]

I'm talking about when Trump gives a speech instead of dog whistle.

[E]

Hey, man, stop talking about Trump, man. You know what I'm saying? We live in Texas, buddy. Relax. You know what I mean?

[A]

Oddly political.

[B]

I didn't say anything bad.

[E]

That bitch like that dog whistle, you know what I'm saying? Black people can't hear it.

[A]

Okay?

[E]

I ain't hear it at first until I listened hard enough and I was like, oh, shit, that's a smoke. Smoke detector.

[A]

David, what do you think is the blackest thing about you other than your skin, your speech and your overall demeanor?

[E]

The black is probably my dick. That bitch pretty black. Now, that bitch. Sometime I gotta put lotion on that motherfucker. That be like a gray color some days. You feel me?

[A]

Absolutely.

[E]

Get gray now.

[A]

Now, I'm also curious to know, what do you think is the whitest thing about you, David Jolly? Oh, that's a tight.

[E]

Oh, this is more like an orange.

[A]

Oh, the inside of your hand. Not physically, but, like with your. With your behaviors.

[E]

I believe that Sublime is the greatest band of all time. Hey, I'm ready to die on that mountain. You know what I'm saying? You feel me, white man?

[A]

Hell yeah.

[E]

He like Sublime. Hell yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah, Sublime was a good time, man.

[A]

That surprises me.

[E]

Not the one with Rome. That's bullshit, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Not the new Sublime.

[E]

Yeah, fuck that bullshit. I mean, Rome can sing, but he wasn't on heroin at the same time, so it ain't the same effect it's gotta have.

[A]

The heroin.

[E]

Yeah. I like my rock and roll stars to do drugs, you know what I'm saying? Like the hard drugs, the real ones, you know?

[A]

Yeah, no doubt about it. No doubt about it, David. You got it started here tonight. Is there anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go, since the last time we saw you?

[E]

Shit, I just, you know, do it, you know. Oh, I got a video to hit a million views. That fucking. That fucking mechanic video is on that Bitch going pretty good. I got a lot of dumb ass videos I've been making. I got one coming out this Wednesday. Every Wednesday, man.

[A]

Every Wednesday. How do people see those?

[E]

Oh, I can say that. Oh, Mr. D. Jolly, bitch on Instagram. MrD Jolly on Instagram. Same thing on TikTok and everything else. Even black people meet. You know what I'm saying? Hell, yeah.

[A]

All right, appreciate that, Tony. I don't know what just happened there, but yep, there he. Yeah. World star. There he goes. David Jolly. All right, on to the bucket we go, ladies. Oh, my God. Oh, my. You know what? I think I might need to lotion up my penis. Heidi's here, everybody. I need to borrow some of David Jolly's cocoa butter and think about a dude while I do it. All right, Your first pocket bowl of the night. Goes by the name of Trish Smart. Everyone sounds like a familiar name. I think we might seen her before. Here she is. Make some noise, people, for Trish Smart.

[G]

What's up? Somebody outside tried to make fun of me. They were like, is that a black belt in dick sucking about my necklace? I was like, what do you think happens at Claire's? Like, you can't buy this $8.99 three pack. You gotta go to the back and prove it. I don't know. I started arguing back with him too. I was like, I'd only suck a dick to refuse a uti. He didn't get it either. I am dating again, though. I, like, I don't get dating. Like, I don't know how many times it takes for you to tell somebody to stop sticking a finger in your asshole till they stop doing it. But it's not.

[H]

Four.

[G]

Every time I get slapped in the face during sex, I think the exact same thing. I'm like, that was unexpected. I don't know why you thought that that was. Okay,

[A]

good.

[C]

Okay.

[G]

I heard the meow.

[A]

You close your set, huh? With just a hard head nod. Trish Smart, welcome back.

[G]

We made full on eye contact. I didn't know what else to do.

[A]

Okay, okay. All right. Trish Smart, you could have been like, that's it. That's.

[G]

That's it, guys.

[A]

All right, there she is. Trish Smart. How long you been on stand up, Trish?

[G]

It'll be eight years now.

[A]

Eight years. Okay. And you've been on the show once before? I have. What do we find out? What was the highlight of your interview last time you were on?

[G]

The highlight of my interview was that I was making paintings of myself acrylically on the Toilet to sell at comedy shows.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

And how much would one of those go for?

[A]

Oh, someone's about to vote for Trish Smart for president. Everybody, It's not as bad as you think. Especially the Black Friday sale that you had one time.

[G]

I had a Black Friday.

[A]

Red band. Let's get back to the soundboard. Red man, everybody. All right, Trish, Red man looks like

[G]

he has a black barber.

[A]

Okay. All right. Thank you. Look what happens when you talk.

[G]

No, that's a compliment.

[A]

Okay, all right. I'm sure the Internet's dying right now. The black bar. Why would a. Why would. Why? Let's find out. After all, why does it look like he has a black barber?

[G]

Cuz he has, like, a fresh shave. Like a you.

[A]

Like, he looks disgusting. What are you talking about? Trish?

[D]

I've never seen red band look worse than right now.

[A]

It is unbelievable.

[D]

He crawled out of the sewer today. What are you talking about?

[A]

He's gray, has no voice. You're disgusted. Stop trying to talk. You're not in shape for podcasting tonight. Literally. There's all these buttons here. Hit one, turn up your volume, and hit a button. There you go. Hit anything. Try it. Hey. All right. There you go. Okay. Stick to that. Put the mic down. Trish, tell us what's been going on with your life since the last time we saw you.

[G]

Oh, well, it's been a year now. Adam Ray bought me that week of hotels. That's how we get started. It was free. And then I accidentally invited a homeless musician. I adopted him, and he destroyed the hotel room. And I had to call Adam Ray and be like, listen, this guy brought a dog. Like, all this stuff happened, and he thought it was very funny. So that's how that ended.

[A]

He didn't. Let me just update you.

[G]

Please.

[A]

There's no way. And I haven't talked with Adam about this. He was being a nice guy. Giving you a hotel room?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

There's no way he thought it was funny. There's a zero percent. I'm sure he laughed at you because he's, like, being nice, but, like, no,

[G]

I paid for it.

[A]

Well, I bet you fucking did. I mean, that would be crazy. What made you invite a homeless man with a dog into the hotel room that Adam Ray was nice enough to pay for?

[G]

Well, he was living across the street. And then I was like, all right, you can take a shower. And then I was like, all right, you can do laundry. And then one day, he, like, tried

[A]

to have sex with me.

[G]

And as a joke, I was like, what's your STD status? And he said, it would be an honor to die with you.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

And then I was like, you have to leave. Like, you have to go. Right?

[D]

And then this guy was actually funnier than you.

[A]

That's awesome. Yeah, I'd love to hear his version of this story where he's like, hey, this homeless chick let me stay in her hotel room.

[G]

I'm afraid to say it, but your mustache kind of looks like my panty liner.

[D]

Okay, Trish, my mustache is covered in shit right now, just so you know.

[G]

I'll paint it later and then sell it.

[D]

Okay, this is getting weird.

[A]

Trish, please stop trying to thaw the panel tonight. It's not. Your roasting skills are very, very, very, very. They're, like, complimentary.

[G]

Would you like me to compliment you?

[A]

Okay. Yes. I'm gay. Good one, Trish. Let's just move forward.

[G]

I was gonna say, how does it feel to be the reference photo for John Waters, plastic surgeon?

[A]

Oh, God. Jesus Christ, Trish.

[G]

Nobody.

[I]

All right.

[A]

Yes. Literally nobody in a room of 300 people. Nobody. Eight years of experience. I tell you to stop roasting the panel. You're like, how about one more? How about this reference from 1960 something? You good goots, Trish. God, this bucket. I mean, Jesus Christ. I can already tell how fucking tonight's gonna go. So, Trish, anything else about your life that we should know about?

[G]

I don't know if I should say this, but I had a friend pass away a couple days ago. I think I'm feeling pretty strange about it today.

[A]

Okay, how did they pass away?

[G]

Are you guys familiar with the term cat flicks and chill?

[A]

Nope.

[G]

It's where you do ketamine, and I'm pretty sure you cat flicks and killed. And I don't know if I should be saying that, but I feel like when something is, like, so fresh that you're just like, I want to talk about it, and I don't know how.

[A]

Yeah, yeah,

[B]

I agree with you. I got a dead girlfriend, and I. Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. You do?

[B]

Yeah, I went and I did a show that night, so I understand totally what you're talking about.

[G]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did a show last night. I talked all.

[A]

Hold on. Stop. Trish, shut the fuck up. Lamar, when did you have a dead girlfriend?

[B]

When I was first starting comedy back in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. 717 till I die.

[A]

Okay, so you were in PA and you had a girlfriend, and then how did she die?

[B]

She had pancreatitis, a very avoidable disease. Unless. Unless you're a black lady. Like, that's.

[A]

And then what happened? It's. So she just kind of got sick that day.

[B]

She got sick, and after two weeks, she passed away.

[A]

She laid around with pancreatitis for two weeks or did she go to the hospital?

[B]

She went to the hospital, and they kept sending her back. They were like, that's not what you got.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[G]

I'm sorry, dude.

[B]

It's okay.

[F]

Really unfortunate.

[B]

I didn't mean to take the moment away from you.

[D]

I love how we just didn't give a About our friend at all. Like, yeah, that guy.

[G]

It wasn't going very well, so.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[D]

To be fair, I also would have killed myself with drugs if I had to hang out with you.

[A]

Yeah, it is true. Okay. I don't understand how the Netflix has anything to do with your friend overdosing on ketamine.

[G]

Cat flicks is, like, a popular term where you do ketamine and just watch tv. It's. It basically means, like, you do it by yourself.

[B]

Have you ever heard of spun fun, Tony? That's when you do meth and you.

[A]

Wow. Have you ever done that?

[B]

I haven't done it.

[A]

Yeah, that seems like two ways to. Doing meth and fucking are two ways to burn calories, which seems like one of your least favorite things to do. Anyway, Trish, sorry about your friend. It seems to be weighing heavy on you with your terrible roast jokes. I'm sure your friend is looking up at you right now while burning in hell. And roasting in hell and. Yeah. And roasting better than you. Thank you. So there she goes, Trish. Smarter, but she's got a good sense of humor. Relax, people. She's been doing it eight years. She's smiling. Oh, Tony. So mean to the girl whose friend died. You. You. She said I looked like a John Waters thing or something. Jesus Christ. How about one more roast joke? You look like John Waters is something. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. As you see, anything can happen. This person could. This person's mother could have died today. Her body could still be warm. Okay, make some noise for Marvin, Izzy, everybody.

[H]

Man, I can't stand managers, yo. I can't stand managers. You ever see our job interviews? They always ask you stupid shit like, where do you see yourself in five years? I be looking at them like, probably in front of another motherfucker asking me, where do I see myself in five years, Man, I can't stand managers, yo. When they come into the office 8:00am ready to go, energized, hopped up on cocaine and coffee. I don't do that shit, man. Don't come into the office 8am hopped up on cocaine and coffee, and I'm 15 minutes late, high on weed, bitch. Like, we just not on the same wavelengths now. I can't stand it, man. As soon as I come into the office, first thing I hear, hey, Marvin, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to put in this order, Print them, scan them facts I'm emailing to me, communicate the Phyllis the location of the packets, redo the requisitions, correlate the ties to terms of Flanagan. I'm going to be late to Friday's meeting in video. Today is Tuesday. I need you to organize the filing capital alphabetically and chronologically. And then do invent. Then I need you to stay overtime. When I lead over here and prioritize my family, typing is over yours. Cause we're gonna go to the movies. If you need anything, just send me an email. CC John.

[D]

Okay.

[H]

And I'm high on weed. Like, all right, let me get a pen real quick.

[E]

Hold on.

[J]

All right, that's me.

[A]

All right, Marvin, Izzy. You were on very recently, recently, am I correct, Marvin?

[K]

Yeah, man.

[H]

This was my redemption, man. Like, the first one was the night of the crazy turbo mold bucket pools

[K]

and stuff, you know.

[H]

And then I got called the very next week, you know, But I was really awkward that day. I was like in my shell, acting, just not myself, man. Here you are now taking corny shots at you and Red Band. So my bad on that for, you know. And I do want to answer one.

[A]

He just. We just got to see what the last girl's gonna say next time she's on. Isn't that exciting? This is incredible.

[H]

But I did want to answer one question for you, because you did ask me what was one of the most Puerto Rican things about me. And I said I was watered down. By that, I meant like, I don't eat rice and beans. I don't, you know, listen to reggaeton, anything like that. But I am proud when I say I'm Taino, you know, this is Puerto Rican natives.

[A]

What does that mean exactly?

[H]

It means that my people were also here before everyone else and got raped as well. And this is why light skins come out.

[A]

Wait, hold on a second. I always. I always find it so interesting when a culture tries to make themselves a victim.

[H]

No, we're the ones of the indigenous.

[A]

I want to know more about exactly what you mean. Hold on. Let me check in with Louis Jacob.

[D]

Yes, sir.

[A]

My senior Puerto Rican correspondent.

[D]

The rapists become the raped.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Is that the. The original shankers? Where the raping me, dude?

[D]

I'll review, homes.

[A]

Hey, dude, I think we're just now, bro. Dude, you rate me, I rape you. We're bro, dude. Taino. I'm gonna get that. That dude on my unathletic arm, dude.

[D]

Puerto Rican accent, Mexican.

[H]

He's just trying to get us deported, bro.

[A]

You see this?

[E]

No.

[A]

Okay, let me see that tattoo again. So, Taino, that. That means, like, original Puerto Ricans.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

First of all, let's talk about the health of your arm. Exactly. What the do you do? Play video games? Like, what. What is it? What do you not do?

[H]

I. I don't want to bring it up because I said it last time, man, but it's just I'm still in recovery because I had a heart attack a year ago, you know?

[A]

Oh, so I'm right.

[H]

Yes, right.

[A]

You're unbelievably unhealthy. Have you ever thought about, like, lifting something?

[H]

Well, I'm gonna get into that now because I'm under the weight that I wanted to be. Like, I wanted to stay at 165, and I'm 156 completely, you know, dyslexic. So typical.

[A]

So Puerto Rican to try to get in the welterweight division. Hey, I have to make weight before I can start lifting dudes so that I can rape some dudes. Dude. Lamar, I bet he has abs. Let's see. I bet you compared to you, he has abs. Lemaire. All right, here we go. Oh, disgusting, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely.

[D]

His stomach looks like your face.

[A]

Oh, my God. So, Marvin, how long you been doing stand up?

[H]

14 years, man.

[A]

14 years.

[H]

Yeah. That's why I felt bad. I was real mad at myself last time I dropped the ball. I'm like, I ain't doing it tonight.

[A]

No.

[H]

Hell no.

[D]

I mean, you barely held on to the ball tonight.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You drop it.

[H]

But, you know, I meant during the interview, because last week I was. Last time I was weird as. So I want to be at least, you know, positive weird today.

[A]

Okay. All right, well, you're still in it right now, so be careful, because there's nothing weirder you can do than talk about how weird it could be right now in the interview. Whoa, there it is. Dirt Kreischer. All right, Marvin, tell me something crazy about your life that I didn't find out last time we were on. You've had some time to think about it.

[H]

Yeah, man. It's funny. You keep Saying I'm out of shape for. I used to actually wrestle, like, backyard Russell and.

[A]

Okay, what was your. Were you like a luchador or something? Did you wear a mask?

[H]

No, I was. I was a Hardy. You know what I mean? I try to be like a Hardy Boy, and. But I was doing. I was doing it.

[D]

I was doing.

[A]

Lamar, what do you think about this?

[B]

You jump off a roof?

[H]

Yeah, if there was one, it was like, since I was in the Bronx doing this, so we was doing it in, like, playground. So I kind of jumped off that little hot. That little Hut house and stuff.

[A]

I know.

[H]

Swan time bombs off of that.

[L]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, onto the concrete rubber mats.

[H]

You know, the ones that be burning in 90 degrees. You gotta throw water on that before you lose hairs on your arm. And like.

[A]

Okay, all right. The people are relating down there.

[B]

Yeah, they call it. You were more of a Hardy essay.

[A]

All right. All right. Lair will now swallow the Incredible Hulk glove in one. Swallow like it's a pill. There you go. Shove it in that lair. All right, Marvin, you got little joke books, right?

[H]

Last time.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. And then there you go.

[H]

It remains the same.

[A]

Yeah, it was good. It was good. You did the trick where you talk really, really, really, really, really, really fast. And then the fucking crowd went wild. But the tricks, you know, it's a trick, you know that. You've been doing it 14 years.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

You know that. That gets an applause break based on principle. Not exactly, because it's hilarious. Anybody could memorize. You got Ramble it off. There you go. There it is. There he goes. Marvin, Izzy.

[H]

Hey.

[A]

Look at the silent crowd. Like, wait, we got tricked. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. That's an old CH trick.

[H]

Can I just say, though, what My next one. I will be invited to the secret show.

[A]

I can see this. All right. May I make a suggestion? Grow a fat pair of tits. All right. Red Band books his show in a very specific way.

[D]

L. Lamar is there every week.

[E]

Good.

[A]

Areolas Laird. All right, this looks like a new name. Thank God. Let's meet them all together. Make some noise for RJ McKeegan, everybody. RJ McKeegan. Here he is.

[C]

So I signed up for Bumble about a month ago, and I met this chick on there, and she was a big Texas Longhorn fan. So we went to the basketball game together, and she kept yelling, hook em horns. Hook em horns. So at the end of the night, I fucked her in the butt, and I fish hooked her, and I was like, hook em horns. Hook em horns. But I like hot chicks. But you know, I like hot chicks. But I have a gay twin brother and his name is Tommy. And when I go to bars and I meet a hot chick, I say, oh, hey queen.

[A]

Hey, queen.

[C]

Oh, I love your hair. Your tits feel so good. And we become best friends. And at the end of the night I tell them I lost my keys, I don't have anywhere to stay. And they let me come back with them because I'm gay and I won't try anything. Then we get back to their house, we take a bunch of shots and then RJ comes out of me and I fuck the living shit out of them.

[A]

Wow. First let's check in with Luis J. Gomez. I can't even look, look at you right now, Lewis.

[C]

Can I. I'm Irish. I'm Irish. Tony, can I.

[D]

Can I offer you some ketamine?

[A]

Okay. Lamar.

[B]

Oh, I'm speechless. Thank you. They forgot about my joke.

[A]

Rj, you are incredibly un. Funny. Let's talk about it. That's what this show's all about. All different shapes, sizes. I pull a new name out for the first time tonight. You come out just guns a blazing. Absolutely.

[C]

Hey, Tony, I'm only gay on Monday. Okay, so what?

[D]

Also, you guys have the same voice.

[A]

Yeah, well, but he, he actually, he's actually shaped like a man so it's more embarrassing for him. Rj, were you raised by women? Why, why do you sound like. Like that?

[C]

I'm from Seattle.

[A]

Okay, what else? Let me ask you this. Do you see your gay brother when you look in the mirror?

[C]

It's my alter ego to pick up women.

[K]

Tony.

[A]

Okay, rj, oh my God. How long have you been doing stand up comedy? I'm new, so how long have you been doing it? You

[C]

so, yeah, it's so. I had a. I just got divorced. My ex wife was a redhead and.

[A]

Rj, how long have you been doing standup comedy?

[C]

One month. One month.

[A]

One month. How often have you done it? You do it once a week. Twice I've done it like I've.

[C]

Three weeks I've been here, I've done it ten times. So.

[A]

Okay. And you thought you were ready for this?

[C]

I think I am.

[A]

Okay. Wow. Okay. How old are you, RJ?

[C]

I'm 39.

[A]

39. What do you do for work?

[C]

I own a semi trailer rental company in Omaha, Nebraska.

[A]

Okay, Omaha rules.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[C]

I used to own a big trucking company, but I worked 70 hours a week and it was too much for me, so I quit that. I Met some rich motherfuckers in Nebraska and they started a semi trailer rental company with me.

[B]

Why'd you put the blacks in on motherfuckers? You didn't have it. Is it because I related to you?

[J]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah, we're all related.

[C]

Blacks and Irish are like the same, you know, same race, you know?

[A]

Why? How? What do you mean? What do you mean? If you're gonna say that, you have to follow it up with the thing.

[C]

Okay, so I was watching this World War II documentary the Other week and

[A]

I guess we all know about the blacks versus the Irish.

[C]

I got so happy. I couldn't believe Hitler was gonna put the Nazis or the Irish in the master race. And I was like, what the. No one's ever believed in the IR war. And the British, they've treated us like for thousands of years. So when the Nazis were fighting the British, I was rooting for the Nazis.

[A]

I was like, elon, Elon, boo, Nazis.

[H]

But up there.

[A]

Has somebody told you that you're funny ever or anything like that? What? Exactly. This is like red band trying to get in the NBA right now. Like, this is. What. What are you doing in this industry?

[C]

Okay, well, I got a lot of pain from my ex wife divorcing me, so I moved here.

[A]

Okay, let's stop right there. Okay. Your ex wife may have been onto something here. Yeah.

[C]

Okay, well, she was a redheaded. And you know what a redheaded wife gets you when you're a successful businessman? Lots of anal sex. And for the first year of her marriage, we had anal sex.

[A]

Rj, take this fucking little joke book. Get the fuck out of here. RJ McKeegan. And here we go. Tony, no RJ, no handshakes. Go, go. Get the touch, people. Is a consolation prize. Louis J. Gomez.

[D]

This rules. Yeah, I love when they're bad. It's so fun.

[A]

Yeah, it is. It's part of the show. That's I. We love it. We love it. Look at Iris. Look at this retard trying to go in between tables to get back to his seat. It's no real. That's not really the path to take. Hell yeah. I love it. No, you're good. I love it. Everyone's tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket full. He goes by the name of Matt Sergeant, everybody. Matt Sergeant. Are we having fun tonight, huh?

[I]

Oh, holy fuck. What's up, bitches? I'm talking to all the 14 women here in this fucking sausage fest. This is cool. Anybody here from Austin? Three of the most boring fucking people you've ever Met in your goddamn life. This city makes me want to kill myself. I would have already drowned myself in Lady Bird lake if it weren't for the fact that anybody that finds my dead body is just gonna assume that it's a gay one. Hey, it's like it's one of them floating queers. He's floating face down. Look at him. Oh, thank God. This is going better than I thought it would. Hell, yeah. This place is fucking bright. Jesus. So many ugly people. This is a very Austin crowd, you know? I mean, it's very diverse crowd. Never seen so many different kinds of white people in my life. All right, well, I guess that's all my time. My name is Matt Sargent.

[A]

All right, Matt Sargent. You have some extra, extra stuff that doesn't even make sense. You have good jokes. I don't know why you're acknowledging how white the room. You're literally. This is a black, a Puerto Rican, black, Mexican, Three Mexicans, black, super white.

[B]

Why do you keep saying gray?

[A]

There's a gray guy. There's a illegal immigrant right in front of you, but he's with his dad, so it's okay. He's Mexican. Mexican.

[I]

Is his dad legal?

[A]

Don't make jokes. There's Mexicans everywhere. There's women everywhere. There's so many women in the crowd. You said there's chicks here. 14 women here. Ladies in Austin, in between your jokes, you make some stuff up and then talk about the lighting.

[I]

I'm nervous. I don't know, I. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You don't have to be. Look at your hair.

[I]

God, I wish you told me that.

[A]

How could you be nervous with hair like that? That's absolutely incredible.

[I]

Good hair on top of my head and then I got a lot on my ass, so I think that's a.

[A]

Okay, prove it.

[I]

Absolutely not. Oh, this is a nice belt buckle. I'm not unbuttoning this for nobody except Mr. Tony Hinchcliffe here.

[A]

All right. What, Matt, what are. What are you into exactly? I got real incel vibes when you came out and called it a sausage fest. With an average amount of women in the audience.

[I]

No, I just thought it was a kind of an easy jazz. See a lot of glasses in here connected to a lot of weird looking dudes faces.

[A]

Now you're calling out glasses because you see what, one, two, three guys with glasses? How many do you see?

[I]

What's with you in numbers?

[A]

It's actually a less. I would say that the amount of glasses that I'm seeing right now is less than the average amount of glasses on humans in a normal setting. You. You keep doing this thing where it's like, God, is everyone wearing a plain white t shirt tonight? I mean, that's so crazy. Whoa. I didn't realize I was at the beard factory. Everybody's got a beard.

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

What is this, a redhead convention? Wacky. It's like nothing that you're saying in between your jokes is even true.

[I]

Probably not, but I was going to say that you freak me out because you talk like Bradley cooper in the. In the movie where he takes that drug. What's it called?

[A]

You should know your references before you try them in front of millions of people.

[I]

It's limitless.

[A]

I was going to say, let's check in with Lamar. Shut the up.

[B]

Doesn't it look like he sings mariachi at whataburger?

[D]

A joke.

[A]

A pure clean joke. I almost forgot what it's like when those happen. Here. You do look like you sing. Do you know how to sing? No. Do you know how to do something other than stand up comedy? You a talented guy?

[I]

I can jerk off on cocaine very well.

[A]

You do a lot of cocaine?

[I]

Not a lot. I just almost every other time it ends up like gooning.

[A]

So it ends up what?

[I]

Yeah, you know what that is?

[A]

There's no way every other time it

[I]

ends up what it ends up in Gooning.

[A]

Gooning. You know, never heard of it. I don't know what it means, so why don't you explain it?

[I]

I'm sorry, okay.

[A]

How many times are you gonna you know what it means? God, why is everybody terrible tonight?

[I]

Are you gonna let me explain gooning? It's jerking off on master code.

[A]

The attitude on this guy. Are you going to let me explain it now that I said, you know what it is five times. What a wretched bucket we've had tonight.

[I]

So far it's still just me being nervous. I don't know what to talk.

[A]

Oh, I'm nervous. Maybe I'm nervous too, huh? You ever think that maybe the pressure of doing over 700 episodes that everybody watches and having to up at everything. Maybe I'm nervous, but can I use that exception? Excuse you, but your microphone's just gold.

[I]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Oh, how is he going to keep it original? How? How? With 700 epis? I say it's a bucket of people. What's he going to do to keep it original? Look, there's people leaving as we speak. There's people walking out. This isn't what I paid for. What do you think? About what? You ever hear Me acknowledging the pressure on me. No, no. You're goddamn right. You ever hear me going, God are so bright tonight. Why is the place filled with blacks? All right, Matt, take a breath. Tell us about your life. What makes you different? What? What, What. What's happened to you?

[I]

Well, that's such a loaded question.

[A]

But by easy setup, you are correct.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

That.

[I]

I appreciate the layup dream question.

[A]

For anybody else, I don't know.

[I]

Like, I. I dropped out of college and then I went to tech school, and then now I'm here. You know what I mean?

[A]

How do you make money?

[I]

Me Thing.

[A]

How do you make money?

[I]

I sell boots. Where I. I don't think I should say where I sell boots at.

[A]

You sell booths?

[I]

They're on South Congress.

[A]

It's a bar.

[I]

It's not a bar, it's a boot store. It's like a high end.

[A]

Sell boots. Boots.

[I]

Okay, I'm sorry. I got Kyle.

[D]

I thought he said booths.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Booze.

[A]

Yeah. Boots.

[I]

Boots.

[A]

It was. It was the third pick. I am with Louis on this. I had booths and booze ahead of it. I took a chance, went with booths. Turns out it was boots. Have you ever thought about learning how to pronounce what you sell?

[I]

Boots.

[A]

Very good. All right. Are you good at it?

[I]

They haven't fired me yet, and it's been, you know, eight months, so I think.

[A]

You ever. You ever get nervous when you're selling boots?

[I]

Absolutely. Sometimes. It's famous people.

[B]

Can you sell Tony a pair of boots right now?

[A]

Yeah, that's a great, great, great point, La Mer.

[I]

All right.

[A]

I like boots. Sell me some boots. Here I come. I'm riding up. Oh, howdy.

[E]

Whoa.

[A]

Down. Settle down, boy. Settle down. You dick down. I'm gonna slap that ass. Get over here, you fucking crazy horse. Howdy, buddy. Hey, you happen to know where I can find some boots around here?

[I]

Well, you rode this horse into this boot store. I figured you knew and you came

[A]

in a lot of fucking attitude. From you. Jesus Christ. It seems like you do nothing but complain and find the negative things in everything.

[I]

What size. What size shoe are you, Tom?

[A]

Fourteen.

[I]

There's. There's no goddamn way you're a size 14, Tony, my friend, there's no way. I've seen people the size of Shaquille O'. Neal. A size 12 double E. There's no way you're a 14.

[A]

Well, well, well. Let's just say me and my horse have something. Relax, buster. Anyway, since you want to argue about the size, can you sell me something? What do you. What do you. Are they more expensive? The bigger they are?

[L]

The big.

[I]

No, it's. It's all availability of, like, rare leathers. You know,

[A]

you're actually worse at selling

[D]

boots than you are at comedy. That's crazy.

[A]

So do you have any boots available?

[I]

Of course I do. And Louis J. Gomez is a hater, and that's why he smokes. What cigar is that?

[A]

Oh, my God. What are you doing, bro? Focus. Sell me boots, you fucking idiot.

[B]

I'm sorry, Tony. I wish this guy would boot scooting boogie off the stage.

[A]

I think you're right. And you. You know what? I decided I don't need boots. I'm going to wear high heels for the rest of my life. There you go. There he goes. And he drops the book, ladies and gentlemen. You can't blame him. The lights are bright, he's nervous. Let the mic stand over there. Heidi, can you grab this mic stand and put it in the right place for us? All right, let's do this. Let's change the tone in this room a little bit. Let's get a veteran of the game up here. An absolute superstar. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the one and the only great and powerful. This is Cam Patterson. Yeah.

[J]

Yeah. I learned something about myself recently. I shouldn't be allowed to go to weddings. That's not a good thing for me. I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend, and I cussed out the man of honor. She was a bitch. She deserved it, though. Cause, like, listen, understand something. At my cousin's wedding, all the groomsmen were my cousins and my friends I knew my whole life, right? And I didn't get to hang out with them the whole time. I wasn't really in the wedding. So when we started eating and stuff like that, I finished eating early. I went to go talk to my cousins, who was sitting at the groomsmen and the bridesmaid's table, right? And the maid of honor called me over and she was like, hey, can you come here real quick? We're all over here eating and you kind of bothering us, so can you come back later? And then I was very confused, so I said, respectfully, get the fuck out my face, right? And then a fat bitch came out. It's always a fat bitch around somewhere. She came out and she was like, hey, who the fuck even is he? And I went, bitch, Google me, right? The coolest shit I've ever said in my life, dawg. And then I walked outside. I was like, hell, yeah. But I had to make sure I was Google able first, right? So then I googled myself, and it came up Cam Patterson. That was cool. But I scrolled a little bit and then it said, cam Patterson, the worst comedian of all time. I said, wait a minute, bitch. Don't Google me, ho. Don't do that at all. And then later that night, I found out that it was kind of mad at me. Cause I may or may not have said, I slap the fuck out you bitch. And listen, Hear me out. Understand something. I never said nothing like that. But if I did, I fucking meant it. Oh, I've been camping that guy so much.

[E]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Boom. Cam Patterson. You went to a wedding, huh? Yeah.

[J]

Yeah, it was cool.

[A]

I hate weddings.

[J]

It was pretty stupid. I really cussed that bitch out, too. Yeah, that whole dumb ass bitch. It pissed me the fuck off, dog. It really made me angry, man. Yeah, it's uncalled for, stupid whore.

[A]

People get out of line at weddings.

[J]

She was tripping, bro. Like, I don't even know who that was, right? Dumb ass.

[A]

Fat girls at weddings. Fat girls at weddings. It's like. It's like I don't even know what it's. It's like I want to eat real bad. Goofy.

[J]

I should have slapped that. I don't hit women. But if I was a, I would have beat up. I'd have beat the out there. I'll tell you that much. That makes sense.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[J]

If I was a, I beat her ass.

[A]

But I'm not. Fat girls at weddings, they get angry because they're never really gonna. You know, that's like, nobody want that big ass. Yeah. They're just always gonna be watched.

[J]

I want that fat ass, goofy ass. Hope you looking at this too, you dirty ass, fat ass.

[D]

I'm starting to think that Cam beat the out of this girl. He said it way too many times.

[A]

It didn't. No, I didn't do it.

[B]

I wanted to.

[J]

I didn't do it, though. I didn't do it. I don't hate women.

[B]

Also, on the having sex with fat ladies thing, let's not speak for everybody.

[J]

No, I a fat. We talked about this earth before. I a fat.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Campbell, definitely a fat.

[J]

I would have that fat. She was nicer. I would have her.

[A]

Hell yeah. I mean, Lamar, she would have got some dick. Lamar, you are one beard shave away from Cam. You per. No, wait a minute. Not far off. Not far off. Hit it from behind. Grab that little ponytail of his. Oh, no. Oh, I know.

[B]

I do look like an auntie without a beard.

[A]

What? You have a beard.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So, Cam, what else happened? Whose wedding was this? One of one of your cousins. Cousins? Yes.

[J]

I was.

[A]

I was the next guest.

[J]

Yeah, my cousin Natron was there. That was cool.

[D]

So this was a black wedding?

[J]

Yeah, Black Hill.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

I've never been to a black wedding. That's wild.

[J]

Black and she.

[A]

What are black weddings like? Have you ever been to a white wedding?

[J]

I never been my first wedding.

[K]

Never?

[A]

It's like a public park or what? Well, Where's your sound effect? Give me your. That's good. Give me your sound effect. Where is it at? You know where it is. There it is. Turn it up. Red Ban. With barely a voice tonight. The allergies are affecting him. Does that stop him? Does he complain about the bright lights? Does he acknowledge the people in the room?

[J]

No.

[A]

He plants his feet and he says the racist joke.

[J]

It was at a party.

[A]

Let's talk about it. Have you noticed the smoke detector going off in your apartment?

[B]

What?

[A]

Do you hear that? You don't hear anything, do you? Do you hear anything?

[J]

That was a piano. That was a piano right there.

[A]

No, it wasn't. Do you hear anything, Cam?

[B]

No, you gotta hear it.

[J]

Wait. Do it again.

[H]

Do it again.

[A]

No. Lamare trying to defend his intention entire race right now. No, don't look at his finger. Look out straight and see if you hear anything. Did you hear something? What was. What do you think that is? A cricket. He thinks there's a cricket outside. No, that wouldn't be. All right. What is that other noise? Is that you? Okay, guys. Bam. So hold on. Why do you think it is that black men don't notice smoke detector alarms when they need to be replaced? This is a mission that I'm trying to find out on this episode. We're trying to solve the world's problems. Why do you think you heard a cricket and everyone else hears a smoke detector alarm going off?

[J]

Oh, no, man. You don't really need them at your house. For real.

[A]

Okay, can you repeat that? Can you repeat that one more time?

[J]

You don't really need a smoke detector.

[E]

For real.

[A]

You don't need one.

[J]

If you smoke inside, it's kind of gonna fuck up the house.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[J]

It's gonna do its job too good, you know what I'm saying? So you never replace it.

[A]

It's genius. Is this true, Lamar? Is this the reason?

[B]

I agree, Tony. I recently had to take down three of my own fire alarms.

[A]

And there you have it. Kill Tony. Solving the world's issues. Absolutely incredible. So your cousin got married. Now, normally at weddings, people get a little horny. They get a little work up. They get some drinks in them, right? Open bar. Was there an open bar?

[J]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

And so what ended up happening? Did you notice people sneaking away?

[J]

Yeah, my auntie tried to my homeboy. That was weird.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah, my auntie. My auntie older. She older.

[A]

Your auntie is older. Like, ballpark, give us an age. Like 49. Oh, yeah.

[D]

Only in the black community do you have to clarify that your aunt is older than you.

[E]

Yeah,

[A]

That is a great point.

[B]

You guys, too?

[A]

Dude, Puerto Ricans.

[D]

I have an aunt who's one year younger than me.

[A]

It's. It's also that way with Italian white trash. I can confirm my mom and my oldest sister were pregnant at the same time. I am an uncle to a niece that I'm two months older than. This is reality.

[J]

Old, though. Not old, but she older.

[I]

You know what I'm saying?

[J]

And she. She got straight a lot. And my homeboy Omar, he a bigger dude. He looked like he should be in the NFL. And. And I'm 25. He, 26. And the whole time she was like, you're gonna have to come, Uncle Omar soon. And that was making me angry. He wasn't moving. He was just standing there, like, letting her feel him. And. And I couldn't beat him up.

[B]

He was too big.

[D]

So you had to punch that white fat chick in the face again.

[J]

Oh, it was a. It was a black fat chick.

[D]

Never mind. Well, that's why you're not going to hit her.

[J]

Before she lost weight. That's what she was.

[B]

Black fat ladies are undefeatable.

[A]

What?

[B]

There's no way.

[J]

They got good armor on. They've been. They've been picked on their whole life. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Their whole life, dude.

[J]

Strong, though.

[A]

Fat ass and. And dirty.

[J]

Sloppy fat.

[A]

Yeah, and they're loud. Loud, too. Am I right?

[J]

Wait, Tony.

[A]

Okie dokie. All right. The crowd didn't laugh or groan. They kind of just agreed like, yeah, yeah, they are loud. Like, okay, it's a comedy show. Please. Just turned into a rally for half a second. Cam, I love you. You are the man. You went to a wedding, and here you are talking about it. We're following his life in real time. The places he goes, the things he does. You're watching a comedian's process here. Every week, he bugs, does it. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, and tonight, we are going to meet Matt Reavis. Make Some noise for Matt Reavis, everyone.

[K]

Yo, what's up? My name is Matt, guys. Yeah, I know. You guys looking at me right now. You guys are like, what? Yeah, my buddy said I look like orange chicken. Yeah. Cause I look a little Asian, but I was definitely made by a couple Mexicans. It's true. I got like 30 of my cousins in the back of Panda Express right now. Yeah, I'm Mexican, man. I used to be a simple man, though, growing up. Used to be a big butter face guy. Y' all remember those butter faces? Yeah. Everything's nice about her butter face. Not many of them out here in Austin, dude. All I see out here nowadays, these damn butter apples. Y' all heard about them. Everything's nice about her. Butter Adam's apple. Yeah, I saw him the other day. I was like, what the fuck is this, dude? I thought God was testing me. I was like, is this an Old Testament scripture? Am I supposed to kill it right now? I didn't know what to do, man. Yeah, I was kind of turned on. I'm not gonna lie, dude. This bitch was 6 foot, looked like Kim Kardashian, but her Adam's apple, the size of my kneecap. I was like, damn, girl, you got three ACLs. Could at least gave him a Derrick Rose, man. I appreciate it. I'm done.

[A]

Matt Reavis doing jokes. I like it. Orange chicken. Good one. Fuck, yeah. All right. Sideways 5 from Lamar to get things started. Lamar, you want to say something? We're kind of bros. Oh, you know each other?

[K]

Just big homies, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. How do you guys know each other?

[D]

Because he loves orange chicken.

[K]

I see him in the drive through a lot.

[B]

He get that, right?

[A]

It is wild how Asian you look. You have absolutely Asian eyes and no Asian in you whatsoever.

[K]

No, I mean, I got a little Japanese in me.

[A]

Okay. Barely. Yeah. That's the eyes size.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. The strong 2% is your eyes. Yeah. And the hat. John Dees points out that is how Japanese people wear hats normally when rolling dice in the squatting position. Yes, exactly. You know exactly what I'm talking about. What do you do for work, Matt?

[K]

I work at a smoke shop here in town.

[A]

Okay.

[K]

Yeah, it's a smoke shop. So pot and stuff like that. Get some wraps and stuff.

[A]

Okay.

[K]

It's a cool spot.

[A]

What kind of wraps do you prefer? Do you smoke blondes? Oof.

[K]

Growing up, man, I used to be a big swisher guy.

[A]

Now that you've grown up, how do you smoke?

[K]

Papers, man.

[A]

Rolling regular white rolling papers.

[K]

Regular old white rolling papers.

[A]

Oh, there's a fan of regular joints there. Okay.

[D]

I like this guy. He's got a swag to him. Like, I think the other comics bum the audience out so much that he didn't do as well as he would have done. So I blame the other comedians for.

[A]

You know. That's true. There's a lot of bucket pools that were struggling tonight. This is a real thing. There was a guy that said that hook em horns gay brother. He was terrible. Remember that, you guys, remember what we've been through. Guy said there's 14 women in here. Like you could count really fast and see in the dark. Somehow he knew what everybody looked like and the glasses they were wearing. But also it's overwhelmingly bright. I can't see, but I know what's going on out there. And then there's you. You've been doing jokes. How long you been on stand up?

[K]

Three years.

[A]

Three years. You go hard though, right? You do this a lot at night time? Yeah, a lot. Do you do that orange chicken joke differently? Sometimes. Do you try a different delivery system?

[K]

Yeah, sometimes. But I've tried it multiple times. It's like the best. I mean, kind of the best way I figured out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The way it works.

[K]

But I try every now and then different.

[A]

But it's a really, really good joke. I just. I'm not positive that I think there's. I would. Yeah, yeah. You know what you're doing.

[K]

Appreciate it.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. What else have you been talking about on stage lately? What are some like, premises and stuff?

[K]

And the trans women are crazy, man.

[A]

Have you really run into one? If you.

[K]

I have it. It's just interesting. It just.

[A]

Everybody loves talking about trans women. It is very, very compelling subject nature.

[K]

It's because it's like your best friend could be a trans dude asap. Like you could be a home. You're the homie, right? You're the homie. And next you know, you're chick. You got tits. Holy.

[A]

Okay, Lair.

[B]

Doesn't Matt look like DEI Short round from Indiana Jones?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

There he does. There you go. Matt, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours or whatever?

[K]

I like to.

[D]

Man.

[K]

Hobbies, dude. Play baseball. Like to play catch.

[A]

You play baseball?

[K]

I did growing up.

[D]

You're an adult.

[K]

I know

[D]

you playing baseball for.

[K]

That's what I'm saying. Ask about how do I just do.

[A]

When's the last time you played a game of baseball, bro?

[K]

Like eight years ago.

[A]

Like, do you ever go out? Do you Go out in the city. Do you do anything?

[K]

I go to bars, man. I get. I just hang out, talk to chicks at the bars, you know?

[A]

How do you talk to chicks? What's your opening line? You gotta.

[K]

I just tell them I wrote for Dave Chappelle, and they're like, oh, yeah, cool. Yeah.

[A]

Is that true? No. I'm just kidding. Right? Yeah. That doesn't make any sense.

[K]

No, that's horrible. Horrible.

[A]

But seriously, like, when you're at a bar talking to chicks, like, what would you say? Would you be like, hello?

[K]

Yeah, I'd be like, hello? Depends on where we're at.

[D]

All right, hold on. Pretend Tony's a girl you're hitting on at a bar.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna come up on my. Hold on. I'm coming up to the bar. Here I come. Hold on a second. Here I come. Here I come. Here I come. Hold on. Okay, here we go. Oh, Lord, these size 14s are hurting today. Can't wait to get myself a nicer sparilla and chill out. Oh, howdy, boy.

[K]

How you doing there, partner?

[A]

Good, good.

[K]

You mind a guy like me? Just want to know what your sign was.

[A]

Oh, I'm a.

[K]

You come off mine as a Scorpio. You seem a little spicy.

[A]

You know what? I. I am?

[K]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I don't know how you guessed that.

[K]

Oh, wow. Who would have thought?

[A]

Hey, what do you say we jump back on my horse?

[I]

You want.

[A]

You like it back there? You want to ride in the front,

[M]

Matt?

[A]

Come on, let's switch positions. Whoa, whoa. Oh. Let's go, Matt. Yeah. All right, Matt, what's the gayest thing you've ever done?

[D]

I think it was that interaction.

[K]

I'm not gonna lie. That was the gayest I ever done. Come on.

[A]

Come on. What's the gayest you've ever done?

[K]

That. Dude, that was beautiful. I think we had, like, a real connection there.

[A]

Ah, okay.

[B]

It was pretty romantic, Tony.

[K]

I was surprised I had it in me. You're kind of.

[A]

What's your biggest regret in life, Matt? You have a regret. You ever wish you did?

[D]

That interaction right there.

[A]

Okay, please let the interview happen. Here we go. But. Jesus Christ. There's a part sometimes where the guests realize that they can answer the question and get a very light laugh. All right. Biggest regret in your life, Matt Reeves.

[K]

Honestly, I wish. I wish I graduated college, man.

[A]

Okay, why do you wish? I've never heard that one before.

[K]

It's on me.

[A]

I'm a proud college dropout. I love the fact I got the out of it.

[K]

Yeah, it's because my mom, and my mom, she just wanted me to graduate. That's the one thing she asked, Right? And I up.

[A]

Okay. How far into college did you get?

[K]

I was like three years. Three years in.

[A]

Oh, wow. That's pretty fucking deep.

[K]

I was deep. Like, a lot money deep.

[A]

And how much do you owe still, bro?

[K]

Like, probably like 50k.

[A]

$50,000. $50. And imagine there's some victims in here working at a smoke shop.

[K]

Some victims, like, I've been there working

[A]

at a smoke shop. That's going to take a long time.

[K]

Absolutely.

[A]

You didn't take care. Take advantage of that, Biden. Like, where they just threw it all away? Yeah, Biden totally did that. Well, my fiance just got it. $40,000.

[K]

I always hear those stories from, like, white people. That's crazy.

[J]

You know.

[F]

I'm just kidding.

[A]

She's Asian.

[K]

She's Asian.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe if you just show them your eyes. Matt, you've been on this show before. What kind of joke book did you get then?

[K]

I got a small one.

[A]

You know what, Matt? Just because of fucking a good interview. And Orange chicken, you're the first big joke book of the night, buddy. Congratulations.

[K]

Appreciate y', all, man.

[A]

Orange chicken. Matt Reavis, ladies and gentlemen. And onward we go. You guys having a good time out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Well, then you must be having a good old time. Ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Tim Stifler, everybody. Tim Stiff Stifler. Here comes Tim. Everyone make some noise for Tim, everybody.

[F]

Just before I hop into my minute, I got to do a quick ad read. Oh, deos meal es better help.

[A]

Parapete cinco de.

[F]

Get the other one out of the way. And I'm going to hop into my minute. Do you guys like pets? Come to pedophiles. Okay, I'm gonna hop into my minute.

[A]

There you go, Tim Stifler. There you go. All right. Hi, Tim. Well. Oh, you're clapping for yourself. I like it. I've literally never seen that before. That's incredible. 700 plus episodes. Oh, my God. And little did I know that it was even possible. I thought, I've seen it all, and then I turn around and there you are clapping. You're having a good old time, Tim. Welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand up?

[F]

Just a little over two years.

[A]

Little over two years? Where at?

[F]

I started in San Diego for nine months, and then I Here for the rest.

[A]

How long have you lived here? A little over a year. Okay. Yeah, perfect. What do you do for work?

[F]

So I was in advertising, and then I quit that, and now, I mean, I'm starting a comedy club, so I just.

[A]

You're opening your own comedy club? Yeah. Congratulations.

[F]

Yeah, thank.

[A]

That. That's smart.

[F]

Thanks.

[A]

That's. That's a great way to do it.

[F]

Yeah. It's called the Sunset Strip, too.

[A]

Oh, brilliant. Brilliant marketing. Brilliant marketing. I was gonna say it's a bad idea. Don't do it. Yeah.

[F]

The highest ceilings. Even higher than you.

[A]

Are you really starting your own comedy?

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

For real.

[A]

Where are you at in the process?

[F]

So it took us six months to find the place. Finally found the place. We're in the negotiations back and forth for the actual contract, the leasing contract.

[A]

Did you inherit a bunch of money? How do you plan on buying a comedy?

[F]

I owned an ad agency, and then I got bought out because I found standup and just got too obsessed with that.

[A]

Speaking of ads, you were talking about being depressed and you mentioned another company. But I want to remind everyone that Talkspace is actually. The license provider is right for your needs, typically within 48 hours. You can also switch providers at no extra cost. It makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. You can even talk it up between sessions by sending messages to your therapist. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month at Talk Space when you go to talkspace.com Tony enter promo code space80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to talkspace.com Tony and enter promo code space80 to get 80 off your first month and show your sport for the show. Tony, I love Talk Space. Yeah.

[F]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

It's important to remember that Talk Space is the place to go.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

No other companies.

[F]

My bad.

[A]

Across the street from the Sunset.

[F]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

There's another club being built across from your club that's opening. Wow. This is.

[F]

Are you serious?

[A]

This is amazing.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

No. Yeah.

[F]

It's like 100 comedy clubs here.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's what happens here. The live comedy capital.

[F]

I am so nervous. I did not know to be this nervous.

[A]

Let me tell you something. Let me just cut you off. Relax for a second. Let me talk. Just let me talk. Yep, a lot of people have been nervous tonight. No one has handled it better than you. Everyone's nervous. How could you not be? Ner I would be nervous for this show, and it's my show. If I got pulled out of the bucket, I go, oh, fuck.

[F]

I thought it was going to be fine, but, yeah, no, thank you. Thank you for saying that. What's up, guys?

[A]

What is going on over there? Everybody's freaking out tonight.

[D]

He just started handling it well in front of our very eyes.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

This is a small stage. I didn't realize it was going to be.

[E]

That's.

[A]

It's always. Everything is smaller. Everything is smaller than you think. The fucking. Whoa. Jesus Christ. All right, there's a. Literally an audience member that's like, I can do it. I can do this. The bucket pools have been so rough. There's people trying to be funny from the crowd. Okay.

[F]

He's got a funny face, that guy.

[A]

Okay, stick with. Stick with me over here. Jesus Christ. This is crazy. What's going on in here tonight?

[D]

How tall are you? Because you are adorable.

[F]

Oh, thanks, man. You too. Five, ten probably.

[D]

You're not five' ten.

[F]

Yeah, you're right. I think with these fucking combat boots, I'm like five' eleven probably. No, for real.

[A]

It's time for the tape measure. Ladies and gentlemen, there is an absolute 0% chance that he's 5'11. There is no way that he's 5'10 without the boots on. You're about to catch a man in a lie, everybody. Yoni has the tape measure. What do you think of. This is one of those moments that you'll never forget for the rest of your life. Yoni, make sure that it's nice and level there at the bottom. Five, nine. Five, nine. In the boots. We're gonna call it five, seven without the boots. And now back to the point that you are adorable little squeaky devil, you. 5, 10, 5 11. In the combat boots. Holy. Dude, what do you think this is your dating profile? You think you can just catfish the world with humans looking directly at you?

[F]

I just.

[A]

I'm six' six. What do you expect, Tony? Life ain't easy looking down upon everyone all the time. Have you always thought you were five' 11, by the way? No, no. 5, 5, 10.

[F]

But I was like these, you know, have some girth. So I thought maybe like five. I don't know.

[A]

What the are you talking about? Holy.

[F]

My bad, dude.

[A]

What's your love life like?

[F]

Nothing really going on right now.

[D]

That's cuz you're a liar.

[A]

You're a catfisher.

[F]

Yeah, that's my.

[A]

Yeah, you're a fisherman.

[E]

Yeah. No.

[A]

So when's the last time you were in a relationship?

[F]

I had a really quick, crazy thing, like a month ago.

[A]

Yeah, wouldn't you say? A quick, crazy thing. Let's take a breath and tell me what you mean by that.

[F]

She's probably gonna watch this and that's fine.

[A]

Wasted breath and time right there. Let's talk about what happened.

[F]

So I. This girl. This has never happened to me. This girl slid into my DMs. Like, literally never happened. And I was like, what the fuck? And I looked at her, I was like, oh, shit, she's pretty hot and ex model. I was like, what the fuck? And then I met up with her and she was cool and like, we vibed probably the most passionate, crazy week. And then really irresponsibly, we're just like, yeah, let's get in a relationship. And then immediately after that, she just, like, was nuts. Like, she just.

[A]

Okay, here we go. So let's take it one beat at a time here. Passionate week, meaning, like, she comes over to your place.

[F]

We hang out every night.

[A]

You're. Every night you're having allout unprotected sex. Am I correct?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. Very good. The cat. Fisherman caught a dolphin. And there you are. Passionate, unprotected sex. Your bed is covered. Eye contact. Who doesn't love that? One of them. Look at the ladies getting wet in their panties at that part. Who needs sex when you have straight eye contact? Unbelievable. Are you sure it wasn't a dude, you homo? No, I'm kidding. Eye contact's gay. That's gay, dude. And I would know.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, so when you say after a week, first of all, let's talk about how you introduced relationship into this. Were you like, man, I love you?

[F]

Yeah. I didn't say love, but I did say, yeah, we should do a release. And I'm. I'm 35. I'm older. Yeah. So she was like 26. And that was super irresponsible.

[A]

Yeah. Lewis loves bad decisions. He gets a applause break for bad decisions.

[B]

It's not a bad decision. It's a young, hot babe.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's a young, hot babe. What is he supposed to do?

[A]

Yeah, what could go wrong? Pancreatitis.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Red pan.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Okay. All right. So when you say things start to get a little crazy, what do you mean you're allowed to talk about it. It's. It's your life. This show. Everyone does a minute and then it's a interview. You're being interviewed on a podcast. No one knows what questions they're gonna get. You're not under any crazy circumstance. I'm saying this for her when she's watching. This is all. You just have to be honest at this point.

[F]

No, honestly, her, she's like, oh, okay.

[A]

You didn't have to say that. That's crazy to say. You may have been the crazy one. And now I'm on her side. Okay. When she started getting a little crazy or things got a little crazy. What do you mean? Give us. Give us the first thing that happened. Not the most extreme thing. We'll get there. The first where you. Where you notice, like, ah, shit. Like, was there something you didn't like about her? Like she has, like a weird, like, butthole or something?

[F]

No, no, she had a normal butt hole.

[A]

You almost. You almost stopped a butt there. And I was gonna repeat that. Yeah, very specific. Sometimes it's. Sometimes there's things.

[F]

Yeah, there was a hole, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. That's what you need. Just needs to be a hole for sure.

[F]

100%. That wasn't weird. I think the weirdest.

[A]

The beginning of weird. The beginning of weird was she like, I'll cook for you. And then she, like, burnt the pancakes.

[F]

It wasn't. It wasn't that exciting. It was actually kind of sad. Like, she. She. That night she, like, had a panic attack and she's, you know, like all of a sudden it was. It was like gone girl. She was perfect. And then.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

And then once it, like, happened, it was like.

[A]

She didn't take her meds to your place, did she?

[F]

No, probably not, right? And I don't judge that. That's totally cool.

[A]

Totally cool. And if you ever run out, remember talk space. And if that doesn't work, try some Voodoo Ranger. And if you lose your job, go to Zip Recruiter. Okay, let's go back to the fun here.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Has a panic attack. Did you guys smoke weed? Is there something that onset the panic attack?

[F]

No, she was like. She was like, I told you this was going to happen. And I was like, no, you did. What are you talking about?

[A]

Oh, my God. I genuinely almost spit coffee all over the place.

[D]

Front.

[A]

You can thank me later, you two. It was so close. The I told you this was going to happen is nuts. What day was it when she said, hey, just to let you know, there might be a part where I go crazy? That, by the way, that would have been the mo. That would have been the answer to the actual question. The answer to the actual question was at some point a couple days in. In maybe even the first night. When do you think she Told you this?

[F]

I don't think she did at all.

[A]

Oh, you just weren't listening. You were. You were busy with that eye contact. Just. My name's Tim Stifler. Dude, look, I'm out of the advertising agency. I'm getting in the comedy club game. Once these negotiations, more eye contact. All right, so she warned you. She says that she warned you. Lamar, what do you think about that?

[B]

I was just going to say eye contact sex kind of rules.

[A]

You're a psycho. Lamar is losing. La Mer is using this appearance on this show to try to find. Get a woman to fall in love with them. Look, I just believe in a woman president. And eye contact during sex, it rules. Look, we all love eye contact during sex, but. Yeah, the way you can't say eye contact during sex, it just happens. You can't be like, oh, my favorite part of the sex was the eye contact. No, it's the wet with a dick moving back and forth. God damn it. I'm sick of all this and my wet. I mean, wet butthole. And he looks back at you and you say, sir, I love you. What is this show become? All right, so she. So. So it's a panic attack. What type of panic attack is this? Is this.

[F]

Is.

[A]

She's sweating, she's laying down. Is it like she was wet, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were.

[F]

We were in the shower, and then.

[A]

Well, I mean, she should be wet in this. Okay.

[F]

You know that. That was.

[A]

Yeah, you were in the shower, and what happened?

[F]

And then she. Yeah. Just was like, I. Freaking out.

[A]

Oh, and then how long did that last? And you tried taking care of her because you're like, we're in a relationship.

[F]

What's going on? And then she.

[D]

You're still trying to. You're like, well, it's cool, man.

[A]

Don't worry.

[D]

Hey, babe.

[K]

No, it's all good.

[A]

Hold on. Let's use some of these tears as lubricant it. At it. I'm Tim Stifler. That's your actual name, Stiefler, but. Oh, it's Stiefler.

[F]

It's all good.

[A]

Oh, boy. Stiefler. You barely knew her. Literally, you barely knew her. All right, so she says she's. She's freaking out, and then what happens?

[F]

I mean, we got through it, and then there were. You know, then it was, like, every day, and she was just like, yeah, this is how periods work. But then the period, like, never ended, kind of.

[A]

Right. Yes.

[F]

It was like. It was.

[D]

You know, it was more like an exclamation.

[C]

Point.

[F]

Yeah, it was for sure.

[A]

Right, and you were like, I'll fix her like this hot model. The only reason she's with me. There has to be a reason why she's single.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And how long did that last?

[F]

The period?

[A]

Sure. What, you what?

[F]

The relationship? Yeah, it was like maybe two more weeks, a week and a half.

[A]

Okay, so how did you let her know that you were no longer interested? Was it ever the same after that panic attack?

[F]

No, it just kept getting worse.

[A]

Right.

[F]

Yeah, she like definitely lied about breaking into my apartment while I was gone.

[A]

Oh, within a three week span, she broke into your apartment?

[F]

And then she started dating other comics after we broke.

[A]

Oh. Oh, after. Well, yeah, that makes sense. The breaking. Explain to us how she broke into your apartment.

[E]

She.

[F]

Okay, so I left for a trip. She was the only one that had, you know, access to the apartment. And then she said that she went in there and there was like a water burger bag and like all this shit. And there was nobody else besides her that could have been in there. Like, there's just nobody.

[D]

Wait a minute. You gave her access to your apartment?

[F]

Yeah, but that's not.

[D]

Breaking in, you fucking idiot. You gave her the keys to your apartment? A stranger you let into your apartment who had pan attacks in the shower. That is completely on you.

[F]

Well, she said somebody else broke into the apartment and then left all their stuff and made a mess. And then. Okay, this is gonna make me sound like such a fucking psycho.

[A]

Yes, I love this.

[F]

Don't say I never lock my apartment.

[A]

Yes.

[F]

I never do it. I just am a very trusting boy and.

[A]

Wow. By the way, that's San Diego, everybody. San Diego.

[F]

I never lock it. Never lock my apartment in a. You know, like has a gate. So I just.

[A]

What's your address exactly? Yeah. What size television screen do you have?

[F]

And then. Yes. I don't know. I never lock it. And then somebody. Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I never lock it. Nobody's ever broken in. I've been there for the entire time that I've been here. And then when I'm gone and she's the only one that like, has access all of somebody for.

[E]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, that's fair.

[A]

What were you gonna say?

[F]

I mean, it's not that interesting.

[A]

No, go ahead, finish it.

[F]

Yeah, I mean, she's the only. The only person that could have actually got in was her.

[A]

That's right. Yeah.

[F]

Sorry, I'm a bad storyteller.

[A]

No, you were a great storyteller. Your interview lasted 17 and a half minutes. It was fantastic. Clap for yourself, Tim. Congratulations. There's a big joke book. What's the name of the comedy club gonna be, Tim? It's gonna be good.

[F]

It's gonna be called dumb comedy club.

[A]

Dumb Dumb comedy club, everybody. You can't even make it up. It's actually a pretty. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. Goes by the name of Sarah Sloan. Sarah Sloan.

[M]

So my mom is super hispanic and I'm talking like very hispanic. This is how she wakes me up in the morning. Her accent is so thick she has trouble pronouncing my name. So she has to call me Sara. She has to call me Sarita. I have some bad news next. My dad is white. Boo. Ew.

[K]

Eh.

[M]

So he likes to call me stupid. He likes to call me ugly. Yeah, no, that's fun. Oh, man. So before I moved out here to Austin, my parents were talking to me and they were like, sarah, never in our lives would we have imagined that our 22 year old daughter would still be living at home with us, leeching off of us. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm 27, okay? My parents have always been extremely pro life until they had me. Now my mother is four after birth abortions and I asked her up to what age and she was like, whatever age you are. Guys, thank you so much.

[A]

Sarah Sloan, welcome back to the show. You've been on before.

[M]

Yes, sir.

[A]

You famously have the legendary horse noise. Would you like to do it for the audience?

[M]

I'd love to, yes. It's what I do.

[A]

This is her bread and butter, ladies and gentlemen. And we had her do it in arenas. And this is the greatest horse noise you've ever heard. Here I am riding. Hold on, let's just play along here. Here. I'm just. Just me coming into work on my horse and it's unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's right. People are in awe, looking at each other like, did you hear that right now? It boggles people's minds. But that's basically the only thing that you're good at. We've tried to figure this out. We've heard a couple minutes. So, Sarah, how's life been going?

[M]

It's been amazing. Especially ever since. Yeah. Being on here, you change lives.

[A]

That's what I do. Absolutely. You wouldn't think so by the attitude of some of these fucking bucket pools earlier. I gotta tell you, these people. Well, if you'd let me tell the story, Tony, a lot of that, a lot of attitude tonight. But you seem to get it, Sarah, you're a good person. Have you ever had a panic attack in the shower?

[M]

Only when I look in the mirror.

[D]

Well, I know she can't make eye contact, so why?

[A]

Because she's autistic. She's autistic? Yeah. With a hoarse noise like that, you'd be surprised if. We'd be surprised if you're not autistic. Lamar is deeply in love right now.

[B]

No. I was judging a roast battle, and Sarah was on it, and I learned she's a racist.

[C]

Ooh.

[A]

It turns out I'm in love right now. Hello, Sarah Sloan. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

[M]

Thank you, Lamare.

[A]

I've always kind of wanted to fuck Garth from Wayne's World, so this is very exciting. Party on, Wayne. I love it. What kind of guys are you into, Sarah? Sloan?

[M]

There was this YouTuber that. He does microphone interviews. Very nerdy, and just think, like a male version of me, and I was really into him.

[A]

Did you hit him up? Did you?

[M]

I put in the comments. I was like, hey, you said you were single in your podcast. That's crazy. I've had a baby crush on you for a while.

[A]

Baby crush. Baby crush. Who is the asmongold? Like, who is the YouTuber? He's a he. Should I listen to microphone reviews? Yeah.

[M]

His. His name is Bandrew, and he has the channel Podcastage.

[A]

Band Drew Podcastage.

[M]

Yeah. It's a pretty big. Yeah. Nothing was ever gonna happen between. Look at me. It was never gonna happen.

[A]

Sarah, you're adorable, and you're so likable. And do the horse noise one more time. It's unbelievable. I wish I could do that. I'm almost there. With a little practice. Doing it one more time again. There.

[D]

You do one, Lamare. You do it one now.

[A]

It's fun. Try it.

[D]

We should all try.

[B]

I think you got to stand up. She gets low. It's like from her balls.

[A]

Yeah, you try it, Red. Ben, you try it. Hold on, Lis. J. Gomez, give it a little shot here. Really try. All your horses have such deep voices. La Mer Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Here it is. Oh, Died. Whoa. Oh, my God. Little black beauty over here. Holy. It's incredible, Lamar. Absolutely unbelievable. Look at this.

[B]

I love Mr. Ed Tony.

[A]

Oh, my God. Sea biscuits. When he sees biscuits, he eats biscuits.

[D]

Lamar always. La Mer always has peanut butter on the gums.

[A]

It's a big fan of the Kentucky Slurpee. He also has to replace his shoes every week. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. So, Sarah, when's the last Time you were on a date with somebody.

[M]

I've never been on a date with anybody ever.

[A]

Really? Really? Never?

[M]

Never.

[A]

I don't get it. You seem like.

[M]

Oh, look at me.

[A]

Why do you keep saying that? You're. You're. You're adorable. Mike, look at my mic. Big Mike, over here. Is there something you want to. Mike, say it in the microphone.

[H]

Mike.

[M]

Then kiss me.

[A]

Mike, why don't you.

[M]

I was kidding. I was kidding.

[A]

Have you kid.

[M]

I was kidding.

[A]

I was kidding. I was kidding. Let's go. Big Mike is taking off the hat. Let's go, let's go. Oh, yeah, look at that. Look at the color coming to her face right now. Wow. Wow. This is a new girl. She's squirting. This is a whole new person, Red man. It's a whole new person. Look at you. You've changed.

[M]

You just ruined my life. My parents are going to kill me.

[A]

Your parents are going to kill you for kissing a boy? Sarah, my mother. You need to pull up if your parents are gonna kill you because you got kissed by a.

[M]

She hated the last time I was on this show.

[A]

Okay, Let me tell you something. Have you ever seen the Menendez brothers documentary? It might be time for you to xnay on the parents, Nay. You know what I mean? You gotta have the mayor kiss her next. Then look at. Look at Lamar pretending like you didn't hear that idea. Just like, oh, just sitting along, just having fun. What do you. What's your mom's problem with you on the show and your appearances?

[M]

It was.

[A]

Okay, so it was like a raunchy show.

[M]

A little, you know, a little.

[A]

God.

[M]

Well, they were like, let's get lunch together, my parents. And so then I sit down and we order this really good food. And then they were just like, we're really. We're disappointed in you. And

[A]

tell me more.

[M]

I'm being dead serious. And they were just like. Like, you know, you laughed at what

[H]

it's like.

[A]

Just for those of you listening to the show, if you're wondering what we're laughing. There's a guy that sounds like he's dying of laughter in the audience right now. These are the fans of this show, have an unbelievable sense of humor where someone. Someone softly admitting that their parents are disappointed in them. Literally, there's a guy in the back of the room is like, That's unbelievable, sir. You are pure evil. So they said you're. They're disappointed in you, but why? Did they give any specifics?

[M]

Yeah, you know, I thought, you know, you hated my Minute, but, like, my last minute I thought was better than this one. And they said. They said, like. They didn't say anything acknowledging that it was good. All they did was just talk about how I shouldn't have been laughing at the jokes you were making about me and.

[A]

Oh, you shouldn't have gone along with the jokes on a comedy show. They wanted you to stand there like a stiff.

[M]

You're funny. I can't help but laugh.

[A]

Well, you're goddamn right. They're the ones in the wrong. They probably had a lot of bad things about me to say about me at the end of October, early November. And look at us now. Look at us now. Your parents don't have. Coming out on. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. How about that? How about that? Mr. And Mrs. Sloan. Ha ha. Sarah, what exactly do you do? What are you good at? Now that I know your parents are disappointed in you for coming on this show, I want to make your life even better. So tell me, what do you do? How can I help you? I wish I had a soundboard or else I would have you here full time making horse noises.

[M]

I would love to.

[A]

It's not in the budget for sure, and we have a budget, but that cannot. I cannot have humans waiting around.

[M]

No, Yeah, I like. I really do like doing impressions.

[A]

What exactly do you do for work?

[M]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a front desk girl, so I just. Very administrative.

[C]

Hello?

[M]

All that. Yeah. Very basic work. Because I want to make. I wanted to do an easy job so I could focus on this, on the after hours.

[A]

Right. So it's like, in an office.

[M]

Yeah, yeah. It's at a school.

[A]

It's at a school. How much do they pay you? Tell me the truth.

[M]

53,000 a year. I'm fine with it. I know it's nothing, but I'm fine with it.

[B]

I gotta be honest, Tony. That's a lot of money to me, okay?

[A]

It is a lot of money, Dio.

[M]

Oh, yeah. Supposedly. To keep my job. I am speaking as a private citizen.

[A]

That's right.

[M]

On behalf of myself. Forgot about that.

[A]

That's right, sir. Tony, it's $1,000 per week. Yeah, $1,019.23 per week.

[M]

Is that. Wow. I never broke it down.

[A]

Yeah, your life's.

[D]

Tony. You compare me to the horse girl. Come on, dude, let her quit. That be the horse girl on the show. It's a. It's a drop in the bucket, Tony.

[A]

You know what, Sarah? God damn it, Michael, We. All those horse impressions have my throat fucked up. Do you Drive. I can drive. You have a car. You can like, do things. You can show up places and do them properly. Is there anything fucking nuts about you that we don't know?

[M]

I'm really. I'm very competent. I really am. I know I don't look it, but I promise.

[A]

Yeah, I'm about to piss off your parents so bad, Sarah. I don't know exactly how or what, but we are going to match your salary and have you work for us from now on. Sarah Sloan works for me now. Be proud of your. Your daughter next time, you idiots. That's for you, Mr. And Mrs. Sloan. Now she's mine. And you know what? I'm gonna give you $100 more than your annual salary. You have to go through a two week trial and pass it to make sure you're like not completely nice nuts. But I promise I need people to do things. I need like groceries and stuff.

[D]

Can you paint?

[A]

Yoni and Christie will train you. They're very, very good, cool people. And it'll be good.

[M]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

It'll alleviate some of their pressures since they're big, fancy television producers. Did your parents ever offer you a full time job like that?

[M]

Never have.

[A]

That's right. Well, you know what? I'm disappointed in them. You see that? Mr. And Mrs. Sloan, congratulations. Here's a big joke book, too. Welcome to the team. Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. How fun. Easy, easy, fun. We're having fun now. People just figured out the loophole. They figured out a loophole. Come on the show tell me that your parents were disappointed in you. Laughing along at my jokes. Two week trial. This guy, it's the same guy. Just keeps pissing over and over again. Bend down. There's a fun camera. You idiot. Sarah Sloan, kick this guy out of here. Get to work. All right, your final bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Colton Jones, everybody. Colton Jones.

[N]

Hey, did anyone get the number on that sexy blonde I just passed in the hallway?

[J]

Thank you.

[N]

Yeah, my dad is a conspiracy theorist. He's also morbidly obese. That's a rough one. You know, how do you tell a guy, dude, tap water is not the thing that you are getting too much of. I think it might be the Mountain Dew out of the NASCAR Cup. You fucking retard. You know, I come from a redneck family. I think the only reason we even adopt dogs is so we can shoot something seven years later. No, rednecks shoot our dogs. We talk about that as a society. We also shoot our cats. And you guys don't know that. But that is funny to watch. Obviously, when you old yeller a cat, you have to use a gun that has a laser sight on it.

[A]

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, what a turn the bucket has taken as we come around the final bend. Colton Jones with the set of the night here on Kill. Tony, absolutely incredible. Colton, very funny man. Very likable. Very jolly strong delivery. Great, unbelievable writing. Perfect, perfect, perfect all the way around. Welcome back. You've been on this show once before.

[N]

Once before.

[A]

And this is your return. It's been a while. A year or two, right?

[N]

It's been a while.

[A]

That's right. That's right. How long has it.

[N]

Last time I was on, Theo Vaughn was the only guest, and you kind of said a few times that I look like a serial killer. But Theo, you know, Theo kind of stuck up for me is what I was.

[A]

When was that? How long has it been? It's all good. We just wanted.

[N]

It's. Yeah. It has been like a year and a. And some change, I think.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Remind us, what do you do for work?

[N]

I. I work at Sunset Strip.

[A]

I. Hello. Well, looks like we're all employing great people here. Favorite people that works at the Sunset.

[N]

Oh, that's. So you guys are being so nice. It's kind of crazy, huh?

[A]

This guy. Hell, yeah. I wonder why I called you a serial killer. That's not creepy at all.

[N]

It's just a shock is all. Is. No, yeah, it's great. And I produce a. I produce a kind of a night show here in Austin called the Absolute Show. I'm one of the, you know, head writers on that, starring Lucas McBr and L. Splat.

[A]

So I love it. Very people.

[B]

Laird Colton's one of the funniest people in the city, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think we can all tell. It's absolutely incredible, Colton. Amazing. Yes. Getting the crowd to make even more noise.

[N]

God, this is great.

[A]

Yes, it is. It is. It is fun. I absolutely love it. What should we talk about? What should I ask you?

[N]

I just got back from New Orleans today. I drove in yesterday. I killed a lot of hand grenades. I saw a bunch of homeless people. Be really good at the trombone.

[A]

New Orleans is a crazy fucking city. It is diabolical. I was there for the Super Bowl. I did a show the night before the Super Bowl. It was crazy. It had been there before. Every time I've been there, it's crazy. There is a vibe in the city, and I will say that the. For the first time ever coming up, let it be known that our Friend here, Louis Jake Gomez puts on literally the best comedy festival of the year, and it is happening this year in New Orleans, Louisiana, for the first time. For the very first time.

[D]

Let me ask you a question, Colton. Would you like to go back to New Orleans this November 14th? I would love that.

[A]

Wow.

[N]

I would love that.

[A]

And now we would love.

[D]

We would love to have you at Skank Fest this year, brother.

[A]

He's doing Skank Fest.

[D]

We would love to have you. You were a killer.

[C]

It's not only.

[D]

Not only did you do the best

[A]

out of the night, but it was.

[D]

It's dark, genuinely funny comedy. My type of. I really dig your dude.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Thank you, man.

[D]

Very confident.

[A]

You're. You're going to have a blast there.

[D]

For a man that is so grotesque, you have so much confidence.

[A]

It's unbelievable. Yeah, yeah.

[N]

I'm sorry, can you say it again? I'm having a stroke right now.

[A]

It's great. It's great.

[B]

Lewis, could you have the whole absolute show at Skank Fest? Because it's a really great show.

[A]

That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

[D]

Let's talk about it. I'd love to hear about it. You're just fucking great, though, dude. You got a great energy. I appreciate your friends with fucking Red. Ben, you're friends with Lemaire. I know you're a fucking. A class dude. So I'll see you in New Orleans at Skank Fest.

[N]

I'll fucking be there.

[A]

How about let it be known you're witnessing history. Colton Jones booked on Skank Fest, the most fun and the biggest comedy festival annually. Now, I used to always say that it was the best, and now it literally is the best. There is no more jfl. Netflix is a joke. Only happens every other year. And so the best annual festival in all of comedy.

[D]

It's also better than Netflix is a joke. Tony, I know you have a Netflix deal, but let's get real.

[A]

I mean, we do. Yeah, we. It's not. Yes, it's. It's a superior festival, but as far as annual festivals, Lewis, you are truly just. I mean, it's unbelievable. When I think about the amount of money that I get paid for Skank Fest compared to the amount of money that I get from. Let's just say all I have to do is 9,000 more Skank Fest, actually probably mathematically more. Way more. Yeah, way more.

[C]

Just.

[A]

I'll.

[N]

I'll still do it. Just to be clear. I'll still go.

[A]

You got it. Secret show. Secret show.

[E]

I'll be there.

[A]

And you know what else? I have a sold out show here on Wednesday at 7pm why don't you open up that show too? That sounds great. In the fat man of the mothership, 7pm Boom. You got it all, kid. Sunset mothership. Has Adam seen you before? Have you ever seen by the talent coordinator?

[N]

No. I don't really want to get into this too much, but I did bomb on the mic earlier, actually.

[A]

You did?

[N]

Today I went up and you know, it wasn't. It didn't go. It didn't go as well as this.

[A]

I'd say, well, there you go.

[N]

But that, hey, if you're listening at home, kids, that's how life goes sometimes.

[A]

And you just. You drink too well. Gins.

[N]

And you pick yourself back up.

[A]

Boom. Colton Jones, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Absolutely, Colton. There he goes. And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. And it might not be the way you think. Ladies and gentlemen, there's a young man who, as I text with my fellow administration members of the United States of America lately, I implore them on a daily basis, make this man an American citizen. You'd be surprised how hard the process is as I laugh with my friends. You know, by friends I mean the head of the FBI, the head of the CIA, the Vice President, the President, the head of national intelligence, the head of Health. There's a bunch more that I'm missing right now. Elon Musk. It's a lot of people that I text throughout the week. You'd be surprised. And I tell them all, we need to make this man a citizen. And they play hard to get. They play hard to get, but God damn it, I know it's gonna happen one day. He will be known as the American Assassin. But for now, he's simply known as the American Estonian Assassin. This is Ari. Matty.

[L]

What's up?

[A]

Uh.

[L]

Fuck. Southwest Airlines. Give me a fucking seat,

[J]

dude.

[L]

I didn't know it's legal to sell 360 tickets. And then just let us baboons figure it out. Where am I sitting? You know when you get like an aisle seat and then another guy's got the window and you try at all costs to keep that middle seat fucking open. You watch these group f. Motherfuckers. You know when you're covering the aisle and you try to look as insane as possible? Stay the fuck away from my middle seat. That's why now I carry a Quran. I put that shit down, Hamala. And hey, parents, leave your shitty baby at home. What the fuck's he got going on in Phoenix? Let me tell you, if you approach my middle seat with a fucking baby, I'm gonna be weird.

[A]

To that baby. How old is it? Single digit.

[L]

The most delicious. I'll your baby for some leg room.

[I]

Thank you so much.

[A]

I mean, what the fuck? In real time, you're watching a fucking absolute monster growing. This is crazy, dude.

[L]

Before,

[A]

if there's a person in the fucking world that doesn't find that funny, that means they've never flown southwest. Yeah, yeah.

[L]

We as comedians, dude. It's a battle out there, dude. It is, by the way. And the stewardess, you slobo shit fat fuck. Some of the most rudest fucking.

[E]

What is.

[L]

Waitress.

[A]

What is it?

[L]

Stewardess.

[B]

Yeah, stewardess.

[L]

I took 100 milligrams before I came out here. I'm fucked up, dude. I remember last time you were fucked up when I was on this show. Dude, I am toasted right now. Thank God this is not on Netflix. I might say the N word.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[L]

I'm fucking lucid, dude.

[A]

It is. Dude, when you told me I'm gonna

[L]

be on today, I already took the edible. You know, when the edible is in your stomach like this.

[A]

Ew.

[L]

You poor bastard.

[A]

All right.

[D]

That bit was so fucking funny.

[L]

I didn't have an ending, though. I was like, trying to.

[D]

No, it was. It was literally perfect. I lean into Tony. I was like, he just wrote that. That's crazy. It's so good. You're so talented. Every time I see you on this show, I'm blown the away. Genuinely, I think one of the best comics working today, Jenny, I really made that feel.

[A]

There's no question about it.

[D]

So cool.

[A]

And it's.

[L]

This is the work.

[A]

Yeah, that's real. That's. You could do that. People will not sit next to you on Southwest if you just. Oh, yeah, just keep that flailed right towards that middle seat. Let him know. Wow. I mean, it is wild. Not only are you, like Lewis just said, one of the best comics working today, but it's just amazing to me that, you know, we've just never had, you know, I mean, it's you and Cam clearly showing the process. Showing that, you know, every week, I mean, people must be waiting and. And if they're not, then they don't know how hard stand up comedy is or how. It's also so much fun, dude. Oh, exactly.

[L]

Just to have that panic attack. Like, literally, I took the walk slow because I had three things in my head that are literally just thoughts yeah. You know, and you just have this. It's just the energy, dude.

[A]

Yeah. The fact that you live for that pressure shows what kind of beast you are. And that's what, you know, some. It's. It was a story of the night, right? It's like, oh, the lights. Oh, I'm nervous. Oh, I'm nervous. Transferring that energy into being present and delivering your bits, being able to take nervous energy. And you should be more nervous than anybody because you have high expectations to follow these people absolutely expect you to be great. And meanwhile, week after week, while competing with yourself, you seem to absolutely be crushing yourself. And it's incredible, it's amazing. And I am so fucking honored to have you be part of this show. You're a perfect fan of it is crazy.

[L]

Like, you know, I'm such a big fan of comedy. I read every fucking book about the Comedy Store tonight Show essen. I'm such a big fan of comedy and I remember when I was reading all these books. So you watch a documentary about the gold rush of the 70s, everybody moving to LA, you guys with Rogan coming up at the Comedy Store, you know, and you read that, you're always like, fuck, I wish I was in that time. And little do I know I'm in the new motherfucking cold war.

[A]

No doubt about it. No doubt about it. You gotta learn to love it, baby. Thank you so much. This is the era and that is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. How much fucking fun did we have tonight, huh? The driver, Ryan J. E Belt is in and it's a glorious one. That is Lamar and Louis J. Gomez. Look at that. That's incredible. How about one more time for the great Louis J. Gomez. Legion of Skank. Story Wars. Guys, check out Story wars sometimes. This is, I truly believe, one of the other great shows. I mean I've always talked with you about, you know, doing a live show in front of a live audience that has like a format and a built in thing cuz people like that. Legion of Skanks is one of the best podcasts with dudes talking just loosely. And Story wars is without a doubt. I mean I told you I've only done it once. I'm doing another one this week. Week. But the first time I did it, I told you that's a hit. You have a hit on your hands. Congratulations. One more time for Louis J. Gomez. Check out Story wars with a Z. Skank Fest I believe is already sold out.

[D]

No, the. The general sale for Skank Fest is May 2nd pre sale. VIP tickets are already gone, but May 2nd, they're gonna sell out very quick.

[A]

May 2nd, you're there in line. May 2nd for the Normies. This is your last chance. Get your Skank Fest tickets. How about one more? More time for the great and powerful Lamare Lee, everybody. Panties in the Mouth Pod. That is the name of his pod. He's got a backpack that he's holding up like a championship belt. Panties in the Mouth Pod. Thank you to Blue Nile Talk space voodoo ranger and zip recruiter. Let's see what Chris Rogers arted tonight. Oh, that's. That's me. Look at that. That's me. Hell, yeah. Look at that hairline. Better than ever. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

[D]

Hey, thanks for your support for at

[A]

the Sunset Strip, every Thursday Secret show, sunsetstripatx.com Love you guys. No doubt about it. Why don't you go rewatch Kill Tony on Netflix. Tell your friends to watch it. Go watch it again. Just put it on. Just put it on and leave it on. Then put it on again and then watch it again. All right. God bless this audience. We went through the whole fucking range together. The rough buck, it starts. The regulars absolutely crushed. David Jolly, Cam Patterson, and Ari Maddie. And then from the bucket, we went from. What an adventure. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[G]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.