Tony Hinchcliffe (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Huge announcement. I am doing stand up comedy in Madison Square Garden Friday, August 15th. This is a stand up comedy show featuring me and the killers of Kill Tony. All your favorite regulars and stand up comedians from the show doing guest spots on it. The artist recently presale is this Wednesday at 10am and it goes till Friday, May 2nd. The special password is Tony25. That's Tony25. All one word. Local pre sale starts Thursday, May 1st at 10am Also the ticket drop for the Kill Tony tapings at the mothership is this Tuesday, April 29th at noon. This is your warning. Those tickets are available at comedy mothership. The tickets for the Killers of Kill Tony Plus Tony Hinchcliff at Madison Square Garden on Friday, August 15th are available at tony hinchcliff.com and there's still a few tickets available for the huge stand up comedy show at Resorts World Saturday, May 10th at 8pm Those tickets are available at tonyhenchcliff.com so Vegas, New York City and Austin, Texas. The chambers are loaded and ready to be shot off. Go to the respective websites and buy tickets and see stand up comedy and the new tapings of Kill Tony upcoming for the months of May, June and july@comedymothership.com the stand up shows@tonyhinchcliff.com now a brand new episode of the number one live comedy podcast in the world. This is Kill Tony Sa hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some fucking noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed it is the best damn band in the land. Right there. You saw it live in the flesh. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Cholula Chalupa, Matt Muhling representing the whites on the band with a black wife, little black kids and seven cats. John Dee's on the keys, ladies and gentlemen. And this beautiful little camper right here on the bass is D Madness Live in the flesh. This is indeed Kill Tony, brought to you this week by Bluechew and Nick. Tonight, Nicotine Pouches. What an amazing episode we have. There's chaos in the room. A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head. He's so excited. Before we get started, here's a little bit more of the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Nordstrom brings you the season's most wanted brands. Skims, Mango Free People and Princess polly. All under $100. From trending sneakers to beauty must haves, we've curated the styles you'll wear on repeat this spring. Free shipping, free return and in store pickup make it easier than ever. Shop now in stores and@nordstrom.com this episode is brought to you by Peloton. Everyone has a reason to change. Growing old, heartbreak, a fresh start. Whatever it may be, Peloton is here to get you through life's biggest moments with workouts that challenge and motivation that keeps you coming back. Peloton's tread an all access membership helps you set your targets, track your progress and and get stronger, making your fitness goals a reality. Find your push, find your power. Peloton visit1peloton.com Spring into deals with fresh savings at Lowe's right now. Get four stay green or premium two cubic foot mulch bags for just $10 plus get up to 35% off select major appliances and save $50 on every $500 you spend on select LG appliances. Shop in store or online today. Lowe's we help you save valid through 4:30. Selection varies by location while supplies last. See associate@lowe's.com for more details or qualifying items. Excludes Alaska and Hawaii. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Very, very excited about this one, ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes we have repeat guests. Sometimes we have new guests. Sometimes we have big famous celebrities. Sometimes we have funny motherfuckers. This is one of the latter episode. This is the debut of both of these guests on panel two of the funniest humans in the world. Two guys that I've wanted to get on forever. And it just so happens they're on together here tonight. Make some fucking noise for Chris O'Connor and Tim Butterly. Oh, yeah, Chris O'Connor, Tim Butterly. Oh my God. Chris O'Connor tires season two coming out June 4th. His podcast stuff Island. Welcome to the show, Chris. It's good to be here. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. And Tim Butterly, welcome. That was a very polite response from your audience. After all that Build up. Hey, guys, I'm Tim. Nice to meet you. Tim Butterly's show dad, meet. He's on tour. Timbutterly.com it is your guys first time on the show, which is absolutely crazy. I know, it's pretty exciting. I planned to, like, get a good night's sleep last night, you know, have a quiet Sunday. And instead I got incredibly drunk at the Masters. Yep, I was at the Masters. While Rory was making history, I was laying in the grass farting 300 yards away from whatever he was doing. My farts got a big roar from the crowd. Hell, yeah. Well, you look great. You don't look hungover, inflamed whatsoever. So it's gonna be awesome. We're happy to have you. Since it's your first time, I should tell you, 275 people signed up for the chance to get on this show tonight. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. This guy has a tattoo of a spider behind his ear, so I'm gonna let him pick the first one right off the top. Look at that. Yeah, looks good to me. And the show shall begin. To start tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner making his third ever appearance on the show. Can't think of a worse time for that to happen. Dees really wasted that one tonight. Leaning on your keyboard just high and falling asleep as usual. It's kind of crazy at this point. You would think you'd be able to survive five minutes into the episode without doing something absolutely stupid. But there you are. There you are. High and tired. John Dees, his debut album, High and Tired, coming out soon where you could see it live on the show every Monday. As he falls asleep leaning against sound effects on his keyboard, he wears sunglasses because he literally falls asleep during the show. Going up first tonight, the third ever appearance of a golden ticket winner that we like around here. Let's see how the third minute goes. The comedy styling is one minute uninterrupted. Going to Colin Sledge, everybody. Here we go. Okay, thank you. So when I was in middle school, my Texas history teacher, Mr. Gomez, used to tell us all the time, you don't know how good you have it in America, because back home in Mexico, my family has to jack off horses for money. And I was confused. I was like, where are the horses even getting the money? Okay, so. So my parents want grandkids, right? And I don't really want to give them grandkids, so I thought I'd give them the next best thing. A homemade cream pie video. You know, my parents hate to see me coming. Okay. So I'm in therapy now, right? And my therapist asked me recently if I ever had any homicidal thoughts. I was like, I ain't gay. You ever say that shit again, I'll fucking kill you. Oh, you think so? Boom. Colin Sledge. Smart, funny. Such a serious man, Colin. You're having fun. You smiled. I smiled this time. You did smile a little bit. Look at you. Yeah. Adam Ray said I'm pretty when I smile, so. Adam Ray said that? Yeah, the last time he said that. Absolutely incredible. How's life going for you, Colin? It's been okay. Okay? Yeah. Yeah. Should I answer more? Should I say tell more of what I've been up to or you want to ask something? Why did your therapist ask you if you're having homicidal thoughts? Oh, that was made up. I was a lie. It's pretty believable. Pretty fucking believable. Do you see a therapist? Well, my copay went from 50 to 90, so I haven't seen her in the new year. Wow. I emailed her my Kill Tony appearance, though. You did? Yeah. She says it was funny. Okay. All right. I'm gonna go back soon, probably. Okay. Went from 15 to 90. 50 to 90. 50 to 90. I don't know if you know this, my dear friend, Colin Sledge, but the amazing people over at Talkspace. You can talk to a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours, just by going to talkspace.comtony and enter the promo code SPACE80 to get $80 off your first month. I love Talkspace. Yeah. Thanks, Redban. Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you for setting us up for that. That's good. That's good. I could afford an extra 1,000 of your therapy sessions because of what I just said. Thank you. Colin, what goes on in your life? Tell us. You seem like you're built for comedy. You seem like, you know, this is your thing, but I can't picture you doing anything else. Do you do anything else? Well, I still teach piano. You do? Yeah. You teach piano? Yeah. Aw. That's a murderer's job for sure. It is. I got one of my piano families found out about this because, yes, the dad who had never said anything other than like, hello and goodbye was like, golden ticket. Wow. That's pretty cool. Yeah. And then his wife wanted me to Demonstrate that I knew how to play piano. Oh, boy. That's tricky for you. We've done that once before. Turns out you get a little nervous. Yes, I did okay there, though. Was it the husband or wife that was going to bat for you that you could be around the kids and it's okay. It was. The wife hired me. Yeah. What was the interview? What was the interview like? Well, they just got on referral. They're like, hey, you teach piano to this other kid and she's good, so you can teach our kids. That was it, you know? It's pretty. So nothing in person? No, it was. I mean, I don't remember. You don't remember? It was a while ago. I mean, all piano teachers are probably like that, right? Wouldn't you think so? Yeah. That's serial killers. Yeah. I do get a pass for being a little eccentric. That's how I refer to. That makes sense. That is an eccentric. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I guess you could come across eccentric. Yeah. Piano tuners are the real serial killers. Ah, very interesting. I did not know that. That's some inside piano stuff. Yeah, because they're like piano people, but they can't even deal with other people. They just need to be alone for like, the entire time. Wow. Absolutely incredible. I'm sure the piano people listening to the show are cracking up right now. Colin, we love you. Great set. There you go. You got it started. The show has begun. And now to the bread and butter of the show, the beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Bucket. Where. Oh, my God. I mean, unbelievable. What a sight for tired, weary eyes. It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. All right, back to the Bucket. Or to the Bucket. For the first time, we're gonna meet this person all together and find out all about their life. Let's meet him. He goes by the names. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Josh Gideon. Josh Gideon. Have y'all ever broke y'all straw while trying to open it and it ruins your drinking experience? Do you think babies feel the same way when sipping on Pierced Nipples? Is that the cause they gotta take the piercing out, right? And when they do, you think it comes out in three like a Bellagio fountain? Is that the logistics? I don't know. Little bit by myself. I am half Haitian, and y'all heard what Trump said, how we eat pets. I'm also half Korean, so I guess you could say I really got that dog in me. You know, who knew a Haitian dad and a Korean mom would make a beige Hawaiian Punch guy? Who knew that's what I'm over here looking like crouching tiger headed nigga. Fuck it. All right? That's my time. Appreciate it. Hey, Josh. Gideon. Welcome, welcome. Hi, Josh. For a second there, I didn't think you could say the N word. But I guess the half Haitian allows it, huh? I don't see you get away with that. If you were just Korean, I would have loved it. I would have loved was clean. John Dee is our senior N word official on the, on the scene. Absolutely. Incredible. Very Korean to be dropping a word like that. But here you are. How long you been doing stand up? It was about be three years in May. Where at? I started out in Newport News, Virginia and just moved out to San Antonio in October. Okay, you were in the middle of Virginia. What do you do for work? I work at Foot Locker now. Wow, perfect. Absolutely. Does he look like a Foot Locker guy? You walk into full locker, you be like, this guy knows what the he's talking about. Yeah. They cut your hair like that when you, like when you join the army. Yeah. They pick it out when you get hired at footlong. Right. That's what they do. Wow. So you wear the referee shirt and everything. That makes sense. Half Haitian, half Korean. Split black and white right down the middle. Wearing a referee shirt. That makes sense. Wow. So you help people find shoes at a Foot Locker? That's all I do. Are you good at it? I'm all right. I could find shoes in a couple seconds, I guess. Yeah. Is that what you're asking? Yeah. What would you recommend for a guy like red band if he walked in there, if he's like, hey, everybody says I'm fat and ugly and I need, I need new shoes. What would you say to him? I'd recommend some sandals, I guess. I don't know. Oh, wow, you guys had sandals there. Okay. What do you do for fun, Josh? Play basketball. Really? Okay, basketball and I lift weights. Starting just now. Recently. Just started lifting weights? Yeah, just now. And you play basketball? Have you played basketball your whole life? Yeah, basically. Okay, so you play basketball, you say the N word. Yeah. How about the Korean side of you? Still the N word. That's right. What do you do that's Korean? Any Korean activities? I take off my shoes when I enter my crib. Oh, very good. You see, I'm guessing your dad is the Haitian and your mom is the Korean. Just getting absolutely fucking pounded and filled with just a huge Haitian cop. Do you think about that a lot? Do you think about how your mom was absolutely decimated your innocent little Korean mother, Just a sweet little lady. Just absolutely getting ravaged by your father's Haitian. It's gotta be every slow day at Foot Locker. Just a mind prison. Do you ever just see. Are you ever at Foot Locker and you see a pair of extra long black socks hanging from the shelf and you're like, God, what my dad has done to my mother's pussy is terrible? Never. I don't. Wow. My goodness. Josh. So you live in San Antonio. What made you go from Virginia to San Antonio? So I got out the military. I did four years in the Air Force. Oh, wow. What did you do? Wow. Amazing. You went from the Air Force to Air Force once. Absolutely amazing. That's right. Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize. Kept crashing the planes, the Korean side. That's right. I keep forgetting he's Korean. Okay, so what did you do exactly in the Air Force? I. I painted airplanes. Wow. Painted airplanes. I worked on the F22s. Just painted gray. Amazing. Amazing. That fucking rules. That's like cool paint, isn't it? I mean, isn't it like special paint? I mean, there's metals in there, I guess. Yeah. All right. That's a top secret paint. I think that's a cool fucking job. What's your love life like, Josh? You seem like a good looking guy. Are you Haitian with the ladies? Are you more Korean? You a little shy guy? Yeah, I'm very shy. I'm a very Korean, I guess you could say. Very shy where the Korean side comes out. All right. But yeah, I'm single, but I'm not really putting myself out there for real. Okay, well, like the last date that you went on, like, what was that? Like, where. How did you find that person? How'd that go? I haven't really gone on a date like that. For real. I haven't even gotten a date since high school. Really? When's the last time you kissed a girl? I mean, I. Oh, wow. Okay, well, there you go. There you go. Well, you blew that one, buddy. You had a. Could have had a fun time coming your way. But you want to brag about going straight to. I don't date. I just insert my dick right into a woman when I meet her. Absolutely incredible, Josh. I think that's called rape. That's consent. But wow, you really are Haitian after all. Incredible. Is that a Haitian thing? No, don't do that. No, don't. I don't want that. This isn't a fucking one, man. Show. Anything else crazy we should know about yet? No, just chilling, dude. Doing comedy. Just what do your parents think about you doing this? They're actually high key supportive, you know. They're what? They're high key supportive. They're supportive. High key. High key, high key. It's the ancient Korean art of supporting your son. Start reading the fucking book sometime. Tony, we are very hikey of you. Ugh. Selling Nike. We are hikey. There you go, buddy. Congratulations. Welcome to Kiltoni. That is your first bucket pull of the night. Josh Gideon. And the show shall continue. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. According to a recent ZipRecruiter survey, 76% of employers plan to expand headcount for 2025. That's a lot of time spent hiring. If you're one of these employers who's ramping up hiring this year, don't miss out on this advice at ZipRecruiter's latest feature Zip Intro into your hiring plan. It lets you post jobs today and talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. Best of all, it does most of the work for you so you save time. And right now you can try Zip Intro for free at ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony Redban Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. It's the greatest hiring site out there. Zip Zip Intro gives you the power to quickly access excellent candidates for your job. Assess via back to back video calls. You simply pick a time and Zip Intro does all the work of finding and scheduling qualified candidates for you. Then you can choose who you want to talk to and meet with great people as soon as the next day. It's so easy. It's so easy. A red band can do it. Save time hiring for 2025 with new Zip Intro. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony right now to try Zip Intro for free again that zipper. Recruiter.com kill Tony Zip Intro Post jobs today. Talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. This podcast is sponsored by Talk Space. I'm a huge proponent of therapy, but good therapy can be costly. However, our partner Talk Space is affordable and in network with most insurance providers. Did you know that most insured members have a zero dollar copay Redband? That's right Tony. Talk Space, the leading virtual therapy provider makes getting the help you need easy, accessible and affordable. Accessible. Accessible. If there's a C, it's ah. If there's an S, you know what I'm talking about guys. I think talkspace is providing some of the best quality mental health treatment out there. Yes indeed, Red band. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs, typically within 48 hours. You can also switch providers at no extra cost. Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. You can even talk it out in between sessions by sending messages to your therapist. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com Tony and enter promo code space80 to match with the licensed therapist today. Go to talkspace.com Tony and Enter promo code space80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show at stockspace.com Tony promo code space80 with your second bucket poll. And here we go. She goes by the name of Audrey Scott. Everyone, 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Audrey Scott. I'm very good at Spanish. Hola. Hola. But I can't roll my R's unless I'm saying the nword. Then everyone's like, oh, my God, she can roll her Rs. Like, it's distraction. I. I'm gonna be honest with y'all. I. I don't like child porn. So funny about that, you freak. Right? Because every time I watch it, right? Every time I shove that flash drive right into my fucking PC to watch my cp. Acting's too immature. Kids are always like, oh, where am I? I'm hungry. Grow. It's show business, baby. How the fuck did you think Bieber made it? He got ushered into the diddying. Baby, baby baby oil Diddy did it hot take. The brand of the baby oil was Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson and Johnson. And that's it. Thank you. Okay. Audrey Scott, welcome. Audrey. Hi. You look like a half Korean that was in the Air Force, but surprisingly, I'm guessing you're not the half Korean, because I'm from Virginia. My dad was Air Force and that guy just stole my whole thing. Yeah, Your whole story? Yeah. Oh, my. Sucks. Should have kamikaze, you know? Yeah. Wow. There you go. Hi, Audrey. Hello. If you need a backup identity, maybe go for journalist covering a race war side job. Top 10 side hustles of 2020. Audrey, welcome. How long have you been doing stand up? Five and a half years. Five and a half years. Wow. What do you do for work? I bartend at Roscoe's Comedy Club and I produce. I host mics there and I produce some shows, and then I also make sandwiches during the day and I do voice acting as well. Oh, so you make sandwiches during the day. Okay. That's the correct answer. Just had to do a little digging there. Get around all the bullshit. They're easy. That you definitely don't make money doing. And then there we found it right at the end. 12 hour shifts of sandwich making. I love it. It's less than that. I love it. Okay. In five and a half years. All of it here at Austin? No, I started in Virginia. I started in the mountains. Wow. You really. That's another Virginia to Texas transfer. That really is incredible. That happened back to back like that. Yeah. Okay. What's your favorite sandwich to make? It's called a wreck. It's a potbelly signature sandwich. You get a portion of salami. Yeah. Shout out to potbelly man. I host a show with them every week. It's the best open mic in Austin. You know, free sandwich on the way. Yeah, it's a. It's roast beef, salami, turkey, ham, and then Swiss cheese on top. It goes pretty hard, actually. That's amazing. Absolutely amazing. What do you. What do you do for fun? Sauce is on there, too. I've been hula hooping recently. I got a hula hoop at Walmart when I was buying roach poison for roaches in my house. Because I have roaches in my house. They're really bad. But the hula hoops been, like, really helping out. Okay. Yeah. Have you learned any cool tricks yet? Not. Not, like the edm, like, slutty level yet where I'm like, you know, we're just wearing sequins and shit, but I'm getting, like, an hourglass figure from. I just go like this in my backyard. What kind of tricks should she know? You can, like, throw it and catch it. Yeah, dude. There's a whole fucking show you can do with that. You can hooch it everywhere. I can do that. The hips, though, it turns out I can do the neck and the arm, but now I'm mastering the hips, so it's a new challenge. Get rid of that thing. Get rid of that thing. It's the worst person at every festival. Hula hoop lady. Why? It's. Oh, the hula hoop, dude. It's not. It's a really good exercise. Like, I don't. I don't want to go to the gym and get filmed by an influencer. Like, have a sweaty fat person on. Equipment is correct here. The hula Hooper is one level away from. From the person with, like, the ball on the rope. That, like. It's just like a side thing. I don't identify As a hula Hooper. That would be weird. That's what I'm saying. You got to get rid of it now. Yeah, maybe I'll do pogo stick or unicycle or something. Pogo stick, actually. Pretty cool. They scare me, man. They're pogo stick. I like. I've never been mad at someone on a pogo stick. Really? Have you ever seen someone on a pogo? Yeah, but I was happy. Maybe it was just a kid or something. Let's talk about the cockroaches. Audrey, you know, you let them. I didn't cause them, man. There was this bitch named Suzanne who lived in my house before me, and she left like a whole fridge of organic food in the house and just left it. And then. Did you make sandwiches out of it? No. You think I'd make sandwiches after getting off work making sandwiches? That would be psychotic. That would just be. I don't hate myself that much. That much. All right? I have a line. I hula hoop, but I don't make sandwiches for myself after I make sandwiches. But it's just. He left all this fucking product of like, cabbage and, like, organic steak. And now there were roaches in the fridge. Let's. In the fridge. They were in the fridge. They were in the fridge. How do they get in the fridge? I don't know. I don't know what's going on. And I spray them all the time. And I live with, like, a hippie who doesn't want to, like, kill everything. And I want to bomb the whole house and he won't let me. Oh, he won't let me. Yeah, it's bad. It's so bad. And you know, if a cockroach goes in your ear, it can't go backwards, so it just goes in your head. Have you had a cockroach go in your ear? Might. You know, I don't know, but it's scary to think about. Heidi, bring out the scope. We're having the first ever kill Tony Ear. Roach off. Let's go. Let's go. This is incredible. It's bad. It's really bad. If you. If. If you had to guess how many roaches you see on an average day or night. Oh, my God, it's so bad. I can't go in my kitchen cuz my room is clean. Cuz believe it or not, like, my room is actually not a bad place to be in my. The kitchen's hell. But doubtful. Yeah, I know. That's why I said believe it or not. That's why. Have you ever Asked or gotten an exterminator. I've been begging for one. I've been begging for an extreme. Yeah, but the. The main. The main roommate, like, he's the one who, like, gatekeeps, you know, the information to the landlord. Yeah. I can't just directly talk to Dana for some reason. Is that the landlord? That's Dana. Dana's my landlord. Yeah. Wow. Like, was it an olive? Standing outside my kitchen is like my hoop. Hard enough to leave. You're doing bug behavior to get his attention. They're taking over. Yeah. I even tried. Like, I bought these Amazon. Like, they're like. Oh, we use, like, certain sound frequencies to get rid of them. They just started dancing to the rhythm. I swear to God. Yeah, they just, like, liked it. They just enjoyed it. Cockroach correspondent Brian Redband says that does not work. He would know there's anybody that has food scattered around his kitchen, but I would say, on average, I see 12 a day. Oh, wow. And they're big and small. They're. They're big ones, and they're like, the tiny ones. Oh, I'm going crazy. My go. Going insane. You should see how many live ones you can fit into a sealed envelope and give that to the landlord. Yes. That's a great idea. I don't want to touch, like, I love every other bug. I'm a huge bug fan, but they really. I sprayed one 20 times. It took me 20 times to spray one that's poison for it to die. Okay, well, Audrey, absolutely incredible. Thanks. Here's a little joke book. You don't want that. Here you go. No. There she goes, Audrey. Ladies and gentlemen, onto the next one. We go on to the next one. This looks like an interesting name. Oh, my goodness. There she is. The one and the only Heidi. Look. Just making this stage nice. Fixing the logo halfway. Halfway fix of the logo. Just a. Just a few degrees away from a perfect turn of the logo. But she tried. You know what I mean? Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Neil Rubenstein. Everyone's good. We're good. All right. No, yeah. No, I get it. Cause you guys saw me. You're like, this guy ain't afraid of nothing, you know? And then you heard me, and you're like, oh, he's afraid of the dark. That's what that is. I was told I sound like the person I look like I kidnapped. That's okay. Am I doing all right? Okay. I don't mind being a big guy, you know, usually pretty Safe, Right. Like, I remember one time I was walking in Brooklyn, and this is before Brooklyn was a yoga studio, you know, so streets are so riddled with crime and gluten. And this dude popped out to mug me and I was like, nah, man, get the next guy. And he was like, okay, thank you. I just scared him up. I was like, this is mint. Everyone should give this a shot. Oh, all right, Cool. That's all right. You are adorable, Neil Rubenstein. Is it Rubenstein or Rubenstein? Whatever's comfortable. Okay. I love it. That's a good answer. Good answer. Just spell it right, you know? So, yeah, incredible. So you're Jewish? Yeah. Yeah. Is that. And you're also a deli. That's incredible that you could be both. You're a Jewish deli all under a one stop shop. I don't get that, but all right. It is because you're filled with food. Oh, yes. Oh, a very. You truly are a Reuben, Steve. Yeah, great. You are filled with Reubens, as in the sandwich that the cockroach girl makes during the day. Yes. That was a callback. Yes, indeed. Thank you. Look at you. Yeah, he's killing it. Yeah. I love it. Neil. You're very funny. How long you been doing stand up? 10 years. I love it. I could tell. Where at was that? I started in New York and I live here now. Well, I'm staying here now. I don't know if I live here, but we'll see. Okay. How long have you been here? Since January. Okay. Do you like it? I like the city very much. I liked it as, like, when I would visit the scene. I like the scene. But now that I'm like. Because when you're like, visiting, they're like, oh, come do my show. Come do my show. And now that I'm here, they're like, you, dude. So. But it's all right. I like it like, you cool, man. Other people, any. Anyone who does that's just afraid that you're going to be funnier than them or something like that. Well, yeah, I like to think that, but who knows, you know? You're adorable. You're so likable. And how are you? All right. No, that's good. Yeah, it's good. All right. Cool, cool, cool. I don't know what to do here. I don't know whether to roast you or snuggle with you. Neil. Look, cutie pie. Snuggle, snuggle. Do you have any dark secrets? I have so many dark secrets. Yeah. Let's find out about the darkest thing about You. I don't know, man. There's so much. I try to leave that behind, you know, Just trying to fix the things I broke, you know, like the floor furniture. Yeah, yeah, mostly patio furniture. Yeah. Yeah, that's my dating profile. Says I'll break your lawn furniture. Amazing. And is that Tinder or Grindr? Both. I love it. What do you do for work, Neil? I had been a full time comedian, but sort of still doing that. But I. You know. You gotta side hustles now because. What are some of your side hustles? I just pa. Like, not like personal assistant stuff. I used to tour manage bands, so I have like that skill set. So I help out a bigger comic on like some of their scheduling and itineraries and stuff. Very cool. We like that. Yeah. Cool, Neil. Keep it around. You know. What do you do for fun? You got hobbies? Yeah, like, I like baseball. What do you like about baseball? I just. I think it's a wonderful sport. I think it's. It involves athleticism and hot dogs and strategy. Nachos and helmets and peanuts and Cracker Jacks. I don't care if you baby back ribs. Yeah, I like. I like going to baseball games because I can have someone rub sun block on me. Yeah, absolutely. You a Yank? Is that what that was? Yankees or Mets? Mets. Mets. Okay. Look at that. You have a Mets tattoo. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible. I don't think I've met a bigger Mets fan. Bigger in size or in. That's all I know. I'm not that big. I'm actually wearing Mr. Met's head under this shirt right now. You said you're not that big. What are you. What are you trying to say? No, I'm saying, like, there's. I mean, I'm tall. Tall. Yeah. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. I'm not like. I'm not like using a Rascal fat. I still fit in the booth at Applebee's. Like, I just. I'm just a. That's a great. Yeah, it's a great measurement system. Yeah. Like, yeah, airplane bathrooms are difficult, but who. Absolutely. Yeah. You have trouble. No, he does. Like, you are three Carlos Sosas worth of human. Don't look at my band. Was. That's the cut. I'm just saying, like, that's the. Don't dare. Don't compare yourself to my band. Don't you dare. Over here, Neil. Over here. You son of a. I like. I like them so much, though. They're great. They really are. I kind of look like I'M I'm Redman, back from the future to tell him. Don't do it. There's still time. Don't do it. Don't do it. Oh, you know how to tickle my heart. Neil Rubenstein. Red Band. That's your looper. You have to kill him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is your destiny. Absolutely incredible. Neil is a baseball hat away from being the new co host of Kill. Tony, this. This is incredible. I couldn't fill those shoes. I'm sorry. Well, we'll find. We know a guy that works at Foot Locker. We'll find out about that. Neil, tell us more about your life. Oh, man, I don't know what do you. I don't know what to. I don't know where to start. You've been married? Yeah. Married, no kids. Raised by wolves. What do you mean raised by wolves? Ah, my parents, you know, everyone's got a thing. I played with and played and toured with some rock bands. And then when you say you played with some rock bands, what do you mean? What did you do? I was just in a hardcore band a long time ago. What'd you do? Sing. Play good. You'd sang? Let's play some hardcore music. How many you want to hear? Neil, sing a little bit. Oh, no, you have to. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. Come on, Neil, look that way. Come on. A tiny voice. Hold on. All right, stop, stop, stop. I have a. I have a tiny little voice now. What are you talking about? Don't pull a Val Kilmer on us right now. I destroyed my voice. Did you not always sound like this? No, no, I destroyed my voice. He damaged his vocal cords, Tony. Yeah, he's technically disabled. Oh, finally. Can I get one of those little placards for my car? What? What? What? That guy is just saying sing, sing. Did you miss the whole thing? We just did a thing about not doing that. My goodness. So what happened to your voice exactly? Just screaming a lot, you know, growing up. So you can't sing anything anymore? I can't really get louder. Like, I. Like, I can do a little bit of projecting, but I can't like sound cool. You used to sound cool. I. Maybe it depends on your screaming. Kind of like screamy and shouty. A lot of shouty. Did you. Did you sound like this when you had to quit the band? No. No. Hey guys, I don't know if I can sing about up anymore. It's been real, guys. Peace out, everybody. I gotta hit the bricks. Did the tattoos, the tattoo Tattoos come before or after you lost your voice? After. That makes sense. I think, like, I started them and then. Yeah, I started late, though. I didn't start getting tattooed till, like, early 20s. Right. You gotta look scary. What was the name of the big band you were in? I wasn't in a big. I am on a Taking Back Sunday record to Taking Back Sunday records. Whoa. But just like, background screaming. Not like, I'm not a member, but I have a platinum record, which is nice. Okay, what's that? A platinum record? Yeah, no, back in the day. What a platinum record is. But what. What is the name of the record? Back before where you want to be and tell all your friends. Wow. And that's under your name? Neil Rubenstein. I'm on. I mean, I'm not a member of the band, but I'm on the record. And like. Yeah. I mean, if you Google me. Yeah, they're up there. A lot of us know Taking Back Sunday. Could you even just maybe give us, like, a hum of the part that you were on? Ye. It's the. It's the brand new lyrics. Oh, no. I did that. What do you mean? They were like, we're. This song is about Jesse. Is that. Somebody shut that lady up back there. Jesus, how do I have to say that? How many times would she have to just be annoying before somebody sends somebody the. Back there. Jesus Christ, people. That's 17 staff members just watching. Okay, would someone please mosh that lady right now? Literally begging for it. Spin kick that broad. So annoying. So what were the lyrics? What is. What is lyrics? It's have another drink and drive yourself home. I hope there's ice on all the roads and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt. And again when your head goes through the windshield. Let's go. Hell yeah. Wow. A fucking classic. Wow. I was a bad guy. What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Go back to sleep. Red band. You know, I don't have a secret show this week because of Moon Tower, but if you're in town next Thursday, I would love to have you on the secret show. There you go. And you know what else? I am flying to Milwaukee for shows. Wow. Look at that. Wow. Ever since Minecraft, you have this big ego. There you go. I'll tell you what, Neil. I'm gonna send you upstairs to the little boy, and you're gonna perform in front of the booker of this club at Amiga with 10 years of experience. We'll see if you can buckle down and Give him a good set. You could be Be a regular old comedian here if you do good. There goes Neil Rubenstein, ladies and gentlemen. All right, let's get another bucket. Pull up here, shall we? All right, we know this young buck. He does work here. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Riley Gilmore, everyone. Riley Gilmore. The other day, I got a sad ending massage. They jizzed on me, so it was just kind of, what the fuck, dude? Fucking Groupon. Mom, can you pick me up? Not going back there, but that place sucks. I was thinking about that phrase, thoughts and prayers. It's like people say that after a tragedy, they're like, I send you my thoughts and my prayers. I get sending your prayers. That makes sense. But it's like you want to send your thoughts, say, yeah, I'm praying for your family. Tits. Thinking about getting a bike. What else? Fucking might have lasagna later, but lasagna titties. That'd be cool, but. All right, that's it for me, guys. Thank you very much. Wow, an unbelievable minute from Riley Gilmore. Incredible. You've been on this show a few times, right? Oh, yeah. Back in the 80s. Hell, yeah. It's been a long time. It has been. I was back in the, what, the Vulcan days, right? Yeah. Yeah. How's it been going, dude? Chill, bro. I love it. I don't know. I love it. Fantastic. What else, Riley? Tell us something interesting about you or your life that we would find. I've been gardening. Okay. You guys with that? I don't know. What are you growing over there? Squash. Whoa. Berries. Blackberries. Wow. Absolutely. Yeah. So that's pretty much it. But have you been eating your. Almost. They're almost ready. How big is the squash right now? Oh, hot. That's hot. Yeah. Remind you of anything? Okay. Yeah. This is a great look for chasing children out of your berry farm. I'm trying to keep those kids away. They keep fucking. Oh, man. Mr. Gilmore's looking through the window. Let's get out of here. Run. It's Old Man Gilmore. Yeah, but great set, man. Thanks. You guys up, too. That's one of the all time great moments in this show's history. That is a first. Twelve years, hundreds and hundreds of episodes, thousands of different guests and bucket poles. It is the first time anyone over there has asked us what we're up to. It's the first time for everything, it turns out. Yeah, okay. Go with it, man. We're podcasting. We're podcasting, dude. Oh, hell, yeah. I love it. Tell us about Being a comedian in Austin. Wow. It's a crazy life, you know, a lot. Lots of. No, basically, I just have to take out the trash after you guys leave. I don't know. I do see you doing that a lot. Yeah, I love it. You are like the trash guy. Do you ask around here? Do you ask for that? Yeah, no, they promoted me. I used to work recycling. But no, I just love it, you know, I love cleaning and. So I'll get you later, bro. I got you. Oh, yeah. I used to be a trash guy. I love being the trash guy. Yeah. Fuck, yeah, dude. I would sneak beers out when I was taking the trash out up and I would just drink. Oh, yeah, dude. You gotta squirt it at the end up. Smoke a cigarette by the trash. I've never been a trash guy, but I was known as the garbage guy a couple months ago in the news. Nice. Riley, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life. I can do a good lion impression. Oh, this is very exciting. Let's get the lighting right, you know, hit us with that single spot. Ladies and gentlemen, we've. This is the first ever time in the show's history where we've had an impression of a lion. Riley is very excited. He has a lion's mane filled with carrot tops. Pubic hair lining his chin. There's nobody better to do a lion impression than him. And this is that moment. Riley Gilmore does his lion. And this is what it sounds like. Okay. I guess it's a. All right. So thank you. Thank you very much. It's more of a. More of a snake, perhaps. Darth Vader getting hit in the nuts. I need to drink more water. Yeah, it's a very parched lion. Let me. Can I try it again? Yeah, you want? You want. So this guy's offering some water. Yeah, yeah. No. The stranger in the front row. Thanks, bro. There it is. Some 15 water right here. Should be very good. You're not lying. All right, here we go. This is. This sounds like Neil Rubenstein adjusting his sleep apnea mask in the middle of the night. I'm not even that big. I mean, I'm not even that big. Here he is doing the lion one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. This is Kill Tony, and this is Riley Gilmore's lion. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. It was so good in the lobby. All right, that's it. This is. Man, he had it right up until the lion impression. God damn it. I think we Got to sanitize that microphone. This guy lost his lion voice. What lyrics did you write for Taking Back Sunday? All right, let me try to save it. I'll do an owl. Okay. All right, well, you know what happens here, Ladies and gentlemen, if you're lying ain't working. Go with the owl. We've never had this before. Hundreds of episodes, tens of thousands of hours. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever owl impression in Kill Tony history. Brace yourselves for the owl of Riley Gilmore. Wow. We're getting word we are up for the first ever podcast. Sammy. Unbelievable. Riley, I would love to have you on the secret show next week. Thanks, brother. You have one of these? You already got one. Yeah, there you go. Riley Gilmore. Wow. How much fun are we having tonight, huh? This is a fun episode. Hello. This podcast is sponsored by Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. Guess what? The best beer on the market just got a whole lot better. Mini Rippers are mini cans of Voodoo Rangers highly drinkable juice. Force IPA or Tropic Force ipa. These mini cans are great for moderation, storage, portability and convenience. Look, I love beer, but sometimes drinking a big tall glass of an IPA is a little too much for me. That's why I love cracking open some Mini Rippers instead. Red band Tony. I love Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. You need to try them if you like your beer staying cold down to the last sip. Plus their mini size makes them perfect pocket beers. You should see me. My cargo pants, Tony. 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Enhance your Every day with via and we have pure momentum. So why don't we do something fun and special? Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you right now one of the greatest regulars in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, he. It's been a long time since he's been on this show. Here to grace us with a new minute. Kill Tony legend. Kill Tony legendary regular. Make some goddamn noise. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. This is monster. This is monster. This is monster. This is monster. Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. Thank you, sir. I am Hans Kim. That's fine. And I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas, I'm Chinese. So there will be 145% tariff added to your bill tonight. Take a good look at this shirt. You're gonna have to make it soon. Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason. It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail trying to get a mineral deal out of Ukraine. What is this guy? Cam Patterson. I'm not retarded, but I want your rocks. I blame the Democrats. Why would you send a woman out against Trump? This guy grabs women by the pussy. He's got a finishing move. He's 20 against women right now. He's the best transgender athlete we have. All right, that's my time. Thank you very much. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans. Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Hell yeah. Hans, welcome back. Thank you, Tony. A fantastic set. Good to be back. Everybody loved it. Absolutely amazing. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Look at the way that you look at me. Look how just perfect you are. You're focused, you're ready for anything. Let's check in with the panel here. Chris O'Connor, or what do you think about that? I was just going to say it's hard to see. It's hard to see the way he looks at you. It is incredible. He looks like he's in round 15 of one of those old boxing matches. His eyes are swollen shut. It is absolutely incredible. It looks like he's wearing, like, racist disguise glasses. That's nuts. Hi. Catch us up. How's life been going for you? It's been going pretty good. Yeah? Yeah. Good to be back. You. Whoa. Geez. Got a little attitude to him. Don't know if I like that. No, I'm just kidding. We know. Tell us about your life, Hans. It's been a while since you've been on. It's been great material. Been domesticated. Yes. I have a cat stroller now. You have a. You have a what? I have a stroller for my two cats. Oh, my God, that is incredible. Raising them like veal. Yeah, exactly. How. I didn't even know you had cats. Yeah, my girlfriend, she has a couple friends that can't take care of the cats, so they gave them to her. So you have just formerly owned cats? Yeah, used cats. Used cats. Just sloppy seconds. Just beat up pussy. Are they nice? Are they nice cats? They're very nice. They're great cats. One's fat and old. It's like a dog. It's kind of dumb. Oh, yeah, I can see. It's like us. It's like us. Red man. Once fat and old. The other one gay as red. Ben, you got me. Wow. Boom. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. Ouch. Ouch. Red band. Giving thumbs up to the photographer. That's an incredible moment. Troy Conrad, world famous comedy photographer, right there in the moment. Red Bands magic moment. All right, Hans, catch us up with what else has been going on. You have a cat stroller, so you walk your cats. Yeah, they hate it. Why do you do that? It seems like they wouldn't like that. They're house cats, right? Yeah, but it's like every creature dreams of freedom, you know? And it's like you're taking them out in a rolling prison, though. They can't get out. Yeah, they're so. Connor, what do you think about this? It's fucking psychotic. Walking cats in a cage. Also, what if someone sees you? It's the gayest shit in the world. Are you at all worried about your reputation. The paparazzi saying, we got Hans TMZ and we got HANS Kim walking two cats down 6th Street. I feel like that's content, you know? It's like, you know, breaking news is up there with the hula hoop. Yeah, it is incredible. Perhaps you can let the hula hoop girl borrow your cat cats and they can chase down the hundreds of cockroaches that she has. Hans, anything else we should know about you before moving on? I hung out with Heath yesterday. We got drunk. Heath Cortez. We love Heath Cordes around here. Fresh off of playing Elon Musk's son on the Netflix. Kill Tony. Yeah, he's. He drinks a lot of alcohol. He does. This is not a joke. That little shit pounds them down. It was jello shots last night, which is weird. Doing Jello shots with someone that looks like a child. Yeah, it is. It is. It is crazy. Heath's a fun guy to drink with, though. And he does. He throws them back. It doesn't make much sense, but the boy can drink. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. Yeah. I put him in a Waymo, which is cool. No driver. Also not a good look. So he got trashed and you just put him in the back of a driverless car? Yeah. Did you select the destination of that car? Yeah, I controlled it the whole time. Wow. That is frightening. And there wasn't enough room in the cat stroller. Wow. Tim Butterly. I love it. Hans, you did it again. Fantastic fucking set. Fantastic goddamn interview. One of the legends of the Kill Tony universe, Hans Kim. Back to the bucket we go. You know, no. Hans was found out of the Bucket. All of our regulars were once discovered out of the Bucket. And your next comedian could be the next big discovery. Anything can happen. Back to the Bucket we go. It's a one word name. Make some noise for Poncho, everybody. I do believe it's the Kill Tony debut of Poncho. You know what's the worst time to be a. When you're hiding it from your wife and kids. Oh. Oh. That's all you get for free. Thank you, Poncho, you have. You have 34 seconds left. You're killing. If you're gonna cheat on me, cheat on me with a lesbian. You know why? That way I know you really never got penetrated by a big, veiny, real dick. Y'all were just playing with dildos and licking each other. Yeah, I should have ended earlier. No, no, no. You still have 10 seconds. Poncho, do another joke. Poncho what's going on? Do you know what show you're at? Jesus, Poncho. What kind of Mexican named Poncho tries to do one third of the necessary work and then leave? What the is going on here? I'm doing this for free. This is free. This is what you get for free. Yeah. Even if I was paying people to get pulled out of the bucket, I wouldn't give you anything right now. True. Okay, Poncho, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up? Three and a half years. Three and a half years. And you literally have 20 hot seconds of material. Where. Where were these three and a half years? At LA. And I actually performed part of my minute in front of you. When you were in Ontario. You. You brought me up. I was one of the people on the stage. And you're like, I can't believe you thought this was gonna work. And then everyone laughed and then, God, I don't remember this. Yeah, I'll show him. Because you asked me like, you, you asked me like, hey, what do you do for work? And I'm like, I do comedy. And you just laughed at me. You remember this? Yeah. And you gave me a minute and I fucked it up at the end of the show. I gave you a minute. Thank you. Yeah, that was. That was bad then. I remember now. Poncho, this was many years ago, right? Like two years ago. It couldn't have been two years ago. I remember every improv. Ontario or the other one. I, I Brea. Or Brea. My bad. I, I. Okay, it doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter. Let's talk about a Poncho. What do you do for work? Valet. You're a real valet guy? In Long Beach. In Long Beach. I'm from la. Okay, so what's your favorite car to. To valet driving? The car is rough. I love to do that. Yeah, don't valet your cars because you get a Mexican like me to do it. I don't care about my job, so. Oh, Poncho. Poncho, what's the. What's the nicest car you've ever taken a joyride in? That's a good question. Lamborghini Urus. Oh, my God. You drove somebody's Lamborghini? Yeah, and then I figured out it was just an Audi. Just feels like an Audi. So I would prefer an Audi R8. You know, like an RS. Wow. Yeah. Over and. What do you drive in real Life? Toyota Solara 2005. Shit's clean. Clean title. It's just like An Audi. No, no, no. Don't compare it. If it was up to Trump, you'd be Audi to country. So stupid. I just came from Mexico. I actually visited Mexico. The Mexicans that are going to get deported, they're going to be all right, bro. Mexico's awesome. Okay. Would you stay at a resort somewhere? No. What did you win? An all inclusive vacation. You're like, this isn't bad. I went to the Rancho. I went to the Rancho to go visit my family. My mom's from Tepee Nayari and. Oh, nobody. I hate when they switch like that. Yeah, doing that avatar talk. Mexico. Shut up. My mother's from Huevos Rancheros. Where's your mother from? Wow. It's close to. It's close to Puerto Vallarta. Tapatio, what do you think is the most Mexican thing about you? That's a good question. I think it's I'm lazy. Not his work ethic. Says Michael. I'm really lazy. I'm really lazy. Michael throwing his own people under La Autoboost. Okay, what else? Poncho. Why do you go by the name Poncho? Because so people won't confuse me by Confuse me with Arabians or like any other brown. You think people would think you're Arabian? They do think I'm Arabian. They think I'm hairy or something. It's probably the laziness. So I say Pancho so people be like, oh, no, he's. The only time people would think you're Arabian is if they see you joyriding around in a Lamborghini. Poncho. Here you go, buddy. Here's a little joke book. Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh. And he gives the crowd the finger. Poncho. Poncho with a complete heel turn. Oh, my God. Poncho turning on the crowd. Heidi is here to fix it. Oh, my goodness. And then a hero comes along. Poncho leaving with double birds. Double Mexican birds for free. Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. All right. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when Kill Tony started, it seemed like we had to figure it out all on our own. Between setting things up, filming the schedule, logos, who to keep in the show, what to do, how to work it, what do we do with the bucket people. All these things. It was overwhelming. And every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can begin to overrun your life. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything can be such a game changer for millions of businesses. That tool is Shopify. 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So turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony shopify.com kill Tony this podcast is sponsored by Prize Picks Cash in on the Basketball Playoffs with Prize Picks don't miss your last chance to add your favorite players the court to your Prize Picks lineup. Whether it's points, rebounds or assists, take your pick of more or less for your shot to win up to 2000 times your cash. Today, turn your playoff hot takes into tickets to basketball's championship series. Starting with the play in round, every lineup you make on Prize Picks will enter you in the takes two ticket sweep stakes which could get you in a plus one a VIP trip to the ship. Prize Picks also offers weekly promotions that can lead to big payouts like Taco Tuesday. Each Tuesday, Prize Picks Discounts select player projections up to 25 to provide even more value for your lineups. 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I couldn't tell my ex girlfriend what I was into in the bedroom because then none of her friends would wear open toed shoes around me. I. I've been in the the closet for a long time about my foot fetish because I was smelling all the shoes. Yeah, I don't know what you guys are trying to do when you meet the right lady. I'm just trying to get off on the. I don't know. Even when I get with a girl, I don't even know what to do. I was with this girl the other day, she's like, choke me, choke me. I'm like, is it that bad? She's like, no, I've been bad. I was like, no, you were great. Thank you guys. Okay, 48 seconds of Jordan Pablo. Jordan, welcome to the show. This is your first time here? Yes, sir. How long you been in standup? 5ish years. Years. Where at? Colorado. What do you do for work? Waiter. Back there. Now I have no job, door dash. Okay, yeah, you're a waiter back there now you have no job, door dash. So you live here now. Trying to put this together in order, that's a weird answer. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Okay. You live here? Yeah, I just moved here. How long have you lived here? We. Week. Okay, a week. All right. What have you seen about the sit. What do you know? What have you seen? I don't know if you're interested in a valet job. I don't know. I did Acid Wednesday and I went to the, the little room over there and I. I was talking just like you. I had no idea what I was doing. Wow. Wow. Well, that's the end of your career. No, no, no. All right, Jordan, what do you do for fun? I like to go see concerts, comedy shows, lsd. Sometimes I try to talk. Are you really into feet as much as you've implied? No, I. That's crazy. You noticed that? Like I only like. No, I like, I. I just want to give my girlfriend a massage after a long day. My algorithm shows me a lot of them, but other than that I'm kind of. I don't know, I don't like. I, I just like that they look. But your algorithm showing you a lot of Feet, cuz. Staring at the pictures of feet. Yeah. And liking them and messaging the girls. Yeah. I don't know. I like them, but, like, it's hard to admit that to any girls, so I ease my way into it. I tiptoe into it. Oh, gross. All right, what else about you, Jordan? Any hobbies or anything interesting? My. My parents own cattle in the ranch in Mexico types. Are you Mexican? I'm Mexican, yeah. Okay. Okay. What'd you think of the last guy? Yeah, that's my cousin. Yeah. Okay, Jordan, so you're door dashing. How's door dashing going in Austin? Horrible. Like, the pin, like, is like, just like, way off. I never know which apartment number to go to or the building numbers are just all block compared to Colorado. Really? Yeah, I think. I don't know. They're not in, like, order here. A weird order. I don't know. That I don't understand. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's interesting. You find this to be a thing. Are you doing it downtown? Is that your doordashing downtown? No, a freaking north side. Lugerville. Yes, Lugerville. Whoa. Be on my nest camp. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It's Red band that you've been delivering. The Duke of doordash. I love it. Jordan, what's your love life like in real life? Oh, it's kind of bad. I just, like. I cling to girls I like. I find a girl and she likes me. I pretend I love her and then I just. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's kind of. I'm a coward. I don't know. I don't know how to admit what I actually like. I don't know how to like. I'm afraid of conflict. It's a dumb thing. Yeah. What's the furthest you've gone out of your comfort zone for these women? Good question. I don't know. When I was 14 in Mexico, like, were you in pretty? It was a quince. It was a quinceanera. And like, my cousins were, like, egging me on. They're like, you gotta make the band dedicate a song to her. And I was like, can you do that? And I just met this girl and they're like, he loves you very much. And then they played like, a really dirty, like, sex song. It was super weird. Yeah. That's the best I've done. Wow. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. Jordan, what's the last thing you do before you go to bed at night? Smoke weed. Really? That's the last. Smoke weed and talk to you or. No, watch watch. Smoke weed and Talk to me. Is that what you just said? Am I hearing this right? Am I tripping? I'm starting to think this feet thing is really just cock. Yeah, yeah. He loves cock. Yeah. Tell these girls about your foot thing. No, I just. I watch you. I'm a huge fan. I watch Tick Tock. That's my last thing I do. Yeah. So you fall asleep watching this show? Yeah. Yeah. Adorable. Adorable. That's. You should have lied about that. That's what you should have lied about. Makes my dick hard, man. Yeah. Incredible. Do your parents support you doing kind comedy? They do. They haven't heard a lot of my jokes, though. How old are you? 25. 25, okay. Well, there you go. You're right on pace. Jordan, here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Congratulations. On to the next one we go. Ooh, some Mexican music they like. That means the band likes Jordan. Pablo, notice poncho did not get that kind of. Of treatment. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Dixon. Everyone, Gordon Dixon. Make some noise, Austin. Let's go. Florida is in the. I just moved from Florida. Anybody from Florida in here? There three people in here that can't read. That's what we. I took a girl on a date yesterday. She got a. She got a T bone steak. I ordered a filet McNiggin. That's how I knew she's. Oh, you're from Florida. I said, bitch, you racist. Anyways, Austin's weird. I've been here a year now. I just found out that my roommates were swingers. That's awkward. Yeah, I found out the hard way. I woke up to them having sex on top of me. That's not. Whole room smelling like booty hole on corn chips. I knew, but I'm single, so of course I fucked. You know what I mean? I fucked raw too. I didn't give a fuck. That is what you do when you have old people with dementia. That's what you do. You fuck old people. And after I came to my senses, I was like, listen, mom and dad, y'all gotta get out of here. All right? That is. I don't think I could get better than that. That's my time. I'm going to Dixon, yo. Wow. Gordon Dixon, his own mother and father. When in Florida? When in Florida. That is wild. Florida, man. Parents, Gordon, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing comedy? Almost six years now in July. Six years? Where at? Florida. That's a state. Tampa. I started in Tampa. Side splitters shot at the side Splitters. You still live there? No, no, I live here now. I live. Okay. How long have you lived here? About a year now. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Everything. It's crazy out here. I love it. Everyone's on some. So I'm on too now. I do edibles now. It's a good time. Okay. Everyone's on some. Everyone's is on something. Okay. What do you do for work? I work at Shakespeare's. The bar over next door. I'm a door guy. Bartender? Yeah. Amazing. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Come see me. Okay. What do you do for fun, Gordon? Other than edible? Other than. Oh, fuck. I like karaoke. I'm a karaoke guy. Really terrible at singing, but I like karaoke. Okay. What's your go to song? Oh, fuck. My go to song is Get Low by Flo Rider and T Pain. Cause there's nothing better than a girl with apple bottom jeans with a booty. That's what I'm saying. A lot of dudes in the front, but there's some girls in the ass here. I know it. I know it. At least three. The ones from Florida, I know they got ass. Can you do a line from this song for us? I can't. I can't. Shorty had him apple bottom. GG's booty with the fur. The whole club will look at her. She hit the floor. Next thing you know, wow. Perfect. Just out of tune enough for us to not set off the algorithm on YouTube that will dock the entire payment of the episode and give it to T Pain. Yeah, gotta love T pain. Florida pain, baby. Florida paint, Tallahassee, whatever. Okay, what do you miss most about Florida? The beaches. I miss the beaches. Y'all don't got nothing out here. This is terrible out here for water. What did you like to do at the beaches? I'd like to just be on the beach. I'm 40, so I like to watch people. I'm a creepy old 40 year old. I'll just be yeah, girl. Especially when and they got a thong and ass. I'll be like, yeah, girl. 20 years ago I'll you now I just beat off to the memory. I'm like, yeah, this is wow. Absolutely wild. I love it. Incredible. Tim, I'm not a watch guy. Is that a very nice watch he's wearing? That is a watch off of Amazon. That looks like a very nice watch. Am I right? Air? Yeah, it's a fake shop. It's a fake shop. It's F shop. That's what they call it. Yeah. It cost me $10. All y'all. This look good. He. He thought it was real. I just want white people to think I have some real shit. That's all I want. Yeah. Now, I knew this the second you came out here was the first thing I noticed. I'm like, look at that fake ass watch. Probably from Florida. And there he goes, I'm from Florida. What's up? It is straight. Cam sold me it when I met him in Orlando. Cam was like, I gotta watch for you. You want to watch? I was like, I'll take it. Ah, he didn't say that. Gordon, what's the craziest thing you've seen over at Shakespeare's right next door here? Sixth street is crazy. This is famously so the 36. This is insanity all the time. I think a black blind guy is the craziest thing I saw. No, I saw a homeless dude jerk off for 30 minutes outside. 30 minutes outside of Mothership, by the way. And I had to. Yeah, jerked off. I was looking at him. Cause I didn't know what the fuck he was doing. And he was jerking off and looking at me. And we made eye contact and came together. That's how I knew this is Austin. I was really lying to the people seeing you look at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are you looking over there? I. I just can't tell what he's doing. It's crazy that a guy that is horny enough to jerk off on 6th street, yet not horny enough to come in under 30 minutes. Yeah, I know. And I was watching them too. I feel like my eyes are good enough for you to come whenever I watch you. That's crazy. Well, I mean, what was the last five minutes of that like? It was. It was ecstasy because my Ed. Were you hopeful? Were you kind of like rooting for him to not. Not finish? I was hard as. So we were having fun together. No, but seriously, did he come? Did you see him come? I don't know. I called the cops right away. I was like, that's. That's crazy. It's for the Mitzi's, man. You disrespecting missy like that, that's crazy, bro. 30 minutes into it, you're. I should probably call. Wasn't 30 minutes. It was like 25. But after that, it was like, that's enough, bro. Wow, you got this big bro. I was like, you call that a dick? I'm like, let me. Let me show you a real dick. Come on. I'm black. When they were current accounts checked in at the 10 minute markers like, come on, dude, finish. And he was still going. Yeah. The cops came before he did. He stopped for the cops come. He saw the cops coming. He was like, oh, let me put it away. I was like, oh, I'm miserable now. Wow, I miss him. He was a good guy. Incredible. And if you had to describe this guy, what exactly did he look like? The guy masturbated. He didn't have that hat on, but I'm sure he had that tattoo right there. He definitely had that tattoo. That's him. All right. Do you want to do the secret show? I'm like, yeah, keep going, red man. I'll do it then. Love you, Red band. I've been in your green room. Don't kick me out the next time you see me. No, we like you, Gordon. Thank you. You're a good guy. What ethnicity are you? I'm. My dad is African and German, and my mother is Cape Verdean, which is African and Portuguese mix. So I'm white and white. Black and white, man. White and white, black and white, black and white. I'm a white. I'm a white mix myself. I'm half of you and half of him. Where this is. If you two. I'll come out. That's what happens. What do you think is the Whitestone whitest thing about you? The white my name, Gordon. That is the whitest thing about me. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? Definitely my credit score. It is 69, so. Wow. I'll. I will my credit score. Here you go, Gordon. Thanks for swinging by. There you go. Oh, Jesus. That's the widest thing about. That's the widest part about you. The catching ability of Gordon Dixon. We're having fun here tonight. We. We are blasting through this episode. Everything is running very smoothly. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. By the time you hear about a data breach, your information has already been exposed for months. On average, companies take 277 days to report a breach. 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When you visit aura.comdefense that's aura.comdefense to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's aura.com defens certain terms apply so be sure to check the site for details. Right now the Home Depot has spring deals under $20. So what are you working on? If you're planning on cooking out this season, head to the Home Depot so you can fire up the grill with deals on charcoal. Right now, get two 16 pound bags of Kingsford Charcoal for only $17.88. Was $19.98. Don't miss spring deals under $20 now through May 7th at the home Home Depot subject to availability valid on select items only. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Patrick Christopher everyone. Here we go. We still having fun out there? Austin, what is up? How you doing? Hell yeah, man. So I've been married for 12 years, so I'm ready to start dating again. I wanna know what love is, you know? Nah, my wife's my best friend. There's nothing sad about that. But she makes jokes too. She has jokes of her own too, you know, like anytime she's feeling her age, feeling old, she's like, oh just trade me in already, you know, just trade me in for a newer model. Like she's a car, right? And I love my wife. I would never trade her in. I do wanna get A rental, though. You know, something fun, something new to me. Maybe something yellow. A lot of people don't get that joke, man. I had one lady yell out, what about a blue one? I was like, how do you know I like choking bitches? Yes. Patrick. Christopher. Hell, yeah. Thumbs up to the band, Patrick. Welcome. Chris O'Connor. What do you think about this guy? Patrick? Christopher. I did not expect you to walk out. Yeah, yeah, dude. I get a lot of gigs that way. Sometimes they think they're getting a black guy. I was like, well, I say it. All right, I love it. You're funny. How long you been doing stand up? Seven years. Seven years. Where at? San Antonio. Okay. Yeah. Actually, do y'all remember I did the kill 20, like seven years ago? No, I don't remember. Redband knows we had a moment and you guys remember each other. Would you guys guys eat food together? Eat food together? Roast. God, Tony, what did you guys eat? Writer of thirteen, Comedy Central. Roast. What did you eat? All right, Patrick, what do you do for work? I work for a medical clinic. I do insurance. Yeah, that's a lie. No, no, no, it's very true. It's very sad because I was doing comedy full time, and then I had to get a real job, so. That makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. Your wife is also Latino? Yes. Latina? Yes. What does she do? She's a server. Okay. Yep, she's Latina. All right. And you have kids? No kids. No kids. Let me ask you something, because this is a anomaly. How do 2 married for 12 years Latinos not have kids? I got her. I got her fixed after we got married. Oh, okay. You got her fixed or you got fixed? No, I got her fixed. Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at that. What? She had. She had cancer. We had to deal with it. Really? Don't. Don't back up now. No. 12 years in remission? Hell, yeah. Zero kids. Zero kids. So she had what, ovarian cancer or something? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Was that tough to go through? How long were you not allowed to fuck her for? It's been 12 years. You're a funny guy, Pastor. Yeah, my goodness gracious. Abs. What do you like to do for fun? When I'm not doing comedy, I. I play drums. I used. No way. No way. A Mexican that plays drums and is funny. This is a Mexican drama. You guys know how this works? Patrick does about a 20 to 30 or so second or so solo. If the audience decides that his solo is better than Michael Gonzalez's solo, then, my friends, Patrick, Christopher will have to move from San Antonio to Austin to be the full time drummer of Kiltoni. If Michael Gonzalez loses, he will have to move to San Antonio and the barren vagina of Patrick Christopher's wife. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony. And this is a Mexican drum off. And this is Patrick Christopher. Wow. Wow. The crowd goes wild. Oh, my God. All that. Oh, my God. Chris, what do you think? All that not really paid off. Yeah, that guy's got absolute heavy on the drums. Yeah, a lot of pent up energy and testosterone. Patrick, get back out here. John D. Said, come out here. Watch this ass, woman. The band all backs each other up. I get to hear. We get to hear a lot of fun stuff that you guys don't always get to hear. They defend each other. Patrick, that was a fantastic drum solo. But now the all time, undefeated, all time Mexican drum off, reigning defending champion of Kiltoni, this is Michael Gonzalez. Wow, wow, wow. We'll be wet back after these messages. All right, come on. All right, how many of you have Patrick Christopher winning this Mexican drama? How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Patrick, get back up there. How do you feel right now, Patrick? Out of breath. Dude, I'm fucking out of shape, man. I said I play drums. I don't play drums currently. It's fucking. You're a funny guy, Patrick. You know, I've never done this. I've never done this twice in one night. But I'm seven years of comedy, Everything you've done has been funny. I'm gonna send you up to have Adam get look at you as well. So you're going straight up to do a spot in front of the booker of the mothership right now. Right now. Right, right now. And I'd love to have you on the Secret show next week. And here's the big joke. B. Patrick Christopher, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God, what a episode this is. Also, can you put in a good word with Adam for me when you get up there? Even Tim hasn't gotten to perform in front of the booker of the mothership. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ray Chenaby, everybody. Ray Chenaby. Hello. I had a. I had sex with my first goth girl recently. That was pretty cool. I could tell she was goth because when she took a shit on my chest, the shit had a piercing. She told me she didn't think cum was good for your skin. Can you believe that? I told her, no, I know that cum is good for your skin because my belly button is Glowing. Look at this shit, bitch. Take a look. Fucking idiot. It. I do. I do mass shootings, but it's with a T shirt gun. I'm the mascot for Texas State. Yeah. Give it up. But when you open the T shirt, it says, don't come to school tomorrow. All right. I like how Michael Jackson said it didn't matter if you're black or white, and then decided, wow. Ray Chenevy. My God. Unbelievable. Fantastic. You've been on this show before, right, Ray? Yeah, it's been a couple years. Yeah. You're much better now. Yeah, thank you. You've been working hard. Yeah. How long you been on stand up? Almost four years now. Four years. All of it here in Texas? All of it. It in Texas, Yeah. Yeah. Is this where you're born and raised? I was actually born in New York. Yeah. That makes sense. Wow. Says a Absolutely. Woman in the middle of the crowd. Her mind is completely blown at the fact that you could be from one of the most populous places in the United States of America. He doesn't even look that gay. You do have some wacky eyes, do you, Ray? I'm guessing upstate New York. An hour north. Yes. Yes. You have dark, frightening eyes. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful belly button, but frightening eyes. What do you do for work, Ray? I'm sorry? What do you do for work? I work at the Sunset Strip. Okay. Wow. Look at. Oh, look at this. Look at the CEO over here. The boss man, the proud boss. Brian Redband. I do. I do AV there and then. I'm also a AV contractor. Like, I do contract work. I work in hotels and stuff. It's got to be hard to do AV in a place with unbelievably high ceilings. Fill the. Fill the room with. I work very hard. Yes. It takes a lot of work. Okay. What's it like? Like working for Brian Redban? A lot of people say he's one of the nicest bosses, that he brings his extra donuts and stuff. He's great. Yeah. The. My main positive feeling is that after secret show, I get to steal goodies and weed drinks. So that's. There you go. I don't think he. By the looks of his face. He didn't know that you were doing that. Looks as though. Give him four weeks off. All right. I'm. Holy. Ray, what do you like to do for fun looking absolutely frightening? Let's see. Right now I'm. I'm trying to learn Spanish really hard. Is that lame? No, no, it's good. What do you know so far? Just the basics. I Can't really even communicate. It's taking a long. We just thought it would be more like letting people shit on your chest. Yeah. I only know those words. What do you know how to say? I could say, like, fuck. I was trying to, like, talk to people in the, in the fucking lair over there. About just like, it's Shakespeare's. Shakespeare's. Yeah. Doesn't know English that well. I was just trying to talk to them about, like, that. I went to. I was in Cuba for a couple of weeks a long time ago, and that's, like, the one phrase that I know how to talk about is like, oh, I was in Cuba a long time ago. And then they're like, yeah, really? And then they start speaking to me in Spanish, and then I'm like, All I do is like. I just. Yeah. Oh, I do the Chinese eyes or whatever. All right. So absolutely nothing. You know how to say nothing in Spanish? No, no. The answer to the question from two and a half minutes ago, you know, it's. You know, it's funny. I, I, I, I never met a duolingo dropout before. I, I do duolingo obsessively, but also, like, I'm pretty good at listening to it because I, I listen to. I, I like listening to. I, I listen to, like, Tom Segura and Espanol over and over again, the same episodes, just to, like, learn. And that's mainly what I do. So I can't really speak, but I can, like, understand when they're talking shit about me in a line at a food truck, you know? Right. Yeah. Right. Anyways, how do you say. How do you say the guy with creepy eyes ordered multiple tacos? Nothing. What's your love life like, Ray? What do you stare at? Nothing right now. Working on finding someone to stare at. It's been a couple months. Yeah. Yeah. Like a date. Like, what's the last date you went on? Like, how does that go down? Are you on the apps? I am on the apps. I'm gonna hinge. I'm a big hit on that. What is your bio? Does your bio say that you work at Sunset Strip? No. I try and I try and pretend I'm not a comedian because I, I mostly hook up with liberal chicks that think I, they think I'm a white supremacist if I'm even a mile within, if I'm even remotely close to this place. So I lie the whole time. I talk about Palestine and art. I know how to. I really know how to con them into fucking me and Then I go back to. I lie about shit. He's using pussy cheat codes. I talk about communism, I talk about the Berlin Wall. I do all that shit. And then just every picture of the hinge profile, his eyes closed. Yeah, for a long time my profile was really scary. I didn't. I didn't adjust it the correct way. I had weird. I didn't smile in any of my photos and I showed my friend it and they were like, what the fuck is wrong with you? So, like, what so frightening in this photo? What did that look like? What does you not smiling look like? Show us the. That is scary as hell. Yeah. Have any of the liberal girls that you've hung out with and found out that you have common sense? Have you ever been like, caught? Well, it's like I'll always go on a dates and I'll like, I'll go into it and really I'll try and talk about how I like speaking my mind, use certain language like that. And then I test the waters and sometimes they'll be like, oh, no, that's not okay. I'll just be like, oh, fuck. Sit down. Fuck me, please. Fuck me. Like, I'm gonna shoot up a school if you don't fuck me right? Please help me. I have to like, I give in eventually. I'm just like, wow. Do this for the people of insert high school. Wow. Wow. Compelling. Yeah. Can't imagine how terrified I'd be on a first date if someone was like, I really like to speak my mind, thinking they're being clever. Wow, Ray, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? Shit. I guess I'm trying to become a citizen of Slovakia right now. Wait. Oh, shit. This is some fucking. And create you. Heidi, grab the map. There's a. There's a beautiful castle. I want to be in a vampire. What is going on in Slovakia to where you are trying to become a citizen? Guarantee you haven't learned a word of their language yet. Zero percent chance of that. It's really a bad language. It's a terrible but. Oh God, if they're listening, I love it. Let me in, please. What is it about Slovakia that you want? So I. I'm a. I have like. My ancestors are from there and I want to be able to get citizenship there so I can like own property and then also be able to like work there. So as like a comedian. It's like just a good idea, I think, if I want. How close are you to owning? But not, not just in Slovakia. It would be anywhere in the eu, you get full citizenship, so. God, I'm not going to get in now because of this. You want to own property? I'm not going to get Slovakia. You could own it anywhere in the EU if you do that. So where would you buy property? I don't know. You could. Like Spain or somewhere. That's. Is that what you would do? This doesn't make any sense. I'm trying to figure it out. So you live in America. You're an American citizen. I would. I would keep the. It's dual citizenship. Sure, I got that. But instead of buying property in the greatest country in the world, you would buy property in, I don't know, anywhere in Europe. Like, don't even have an exact. Spread my wings, you know, Maybe just keep the options open. It takes, like two years to get citizenship. It takes many, many years for you to learn Spanish. God, I'm. I have no chance. When you start getting booked in Slovakia, could you put in a good word for me, please? I would love to have you on the Secret show next week. Thank you so much. Here you go. Right, here's the big joke, Buck. All right. One last bucket poll. One last bucket poll. Make some noise for Mike IO, babe. Mike IO baby. Oh, yeah, here he is. Mike. Mike Ayo. Bye bye. Woo. That's the black dance right there. The Dougie. Don't matter what beat is going on, man. The N going Dougie, man, this is a nice crowd. This is not an open mic for sure. A little bit about myself. IO baby. That's a crazy non American last name right there. Born and raised in Nigeria. Don't get scared when I tell people, dad, they want to put their phones away, man. Think I'm going to send them an email. Let's chill. It's not coming. Nah. Being born and raised in Nigeria, man, make you appreciate things that y'all in America take for granted. You know, clean air, clean water. Y'all got nice water here, man. The one in Nigeria. You can see germs and demons in that thing. Break dances. You could see Chris Brown in your cup. I'm trying to tell you, man, you take a sip, you don't know what you're gonna catch. You might catch a demon or disease. You might need a doctor or priest, you know, to relieve you of your pain. That's what you might. Okay, that's my time, Mike. Are your baby. How do you say that? Are your baby. Ayo baby. That's a crazy last name for a black guy. Cause it's also the perfect thing to scream at your dad as he's leaving you? Nope, I got a father, unfortunately. You guys have a good night. Hey, Ayo, baby got a father? Both of them. Dad and mom. They both stay together. It's the African thing, man. Really? Yeah, man, when you poor, you stay together. You don't. Okay. And they're in Nigeria right now? No, no, they're in Minnesota freezing they ass off. Wow. Yeah, that's where I landed first in Minnesota. My goodness. What made you guys go to Minnesota first? You saw the George Bush. You've been to Nigeria? What? Have you been to Nigeria? I've been to Minnesota. I'd rather. I'd rather go to Nigeria, to be honest with you. You go to Nigeria, you gonna want to leave and go anywhere but Nigeria. I think I would fit in just fine there. Oh, Tony, they gonna smell you right from the plane, man. What does that mean? We can't smell Tony. What does that mean? How, how old were you when you moved from Nigeria to the United States? I was about 13 years old. Okay, and what was the biggest difference that you noticed other than white people food? Okay, let's talk about Nigerian food for a second. Tell us about the queen cuisine of Nigeria. Go ahead, man. We got the. The primary one is fufu. Yeah, sounds good. What's fufu? So fufu is like, it's like a doughy substance. It's made out of yams. You know, you put yams and then you put water. You pound it up and then it's turn, it turns. It's like a gangster ass mashed potato. Hell yeah. Red band as the sound effect of lies all around the foo foo. Oh no. Get out of here. Get out of here. You know it be like that, man. You know when it's hot, the flies come around. Absolutely, absolutely. But yeah, foo foo, we got that again. It's a doughy substance and then the different kind of soups that you get with it. I love it. I love it. What do. How did your parents get American citizens citizenship? Are they part of a special program or something? Yeah, lottery visa. Lottery visa? Yeah, lottery visa. Yep. Judge Bush. Okay. Got me here. Republican, baby. George W. Bush, a Republican? Yeah, he signed that thing. No doubt about it. We know him very well. So you went from the Bush because of a bush? I was waiting on that. I was waiting. I love it. He took me. George Bush took me out the Bush. Have you ever seen a lion? Oh, man, we ate them all in Nigeria, man. They ran out, they bounced. Really? They went to freaking Botswana. And then where the white people at. They nice over there. Lot of whites. We was grilling them. Lot of whites in Botswana. That's right. Hell, yeah. What did your dad do for work in Nigeria? Oh, my God. Crazy. You work at a Foot Locker. I'd imagine there's a lot of them out there. No. Ain't no Foot Locker in Nigeria. Hell, no. We'll eat that, too. He was a. He was a photographer in Nigeria, which didn't get him a lot of money. That's why we left, like, of animals and stuff. Of hungry people of the. You know, the kids with the fat bellies and their goddamn flies in their eyes. What does he do for work in Minnesota? Oh, man, you know, nursing home. That's what Africans come here to do. They get right into nursing home. They. They're like nurses. Well, nursing home. So nursing assistants. Right. Okay, okay. That makes sense. Racking up easy W's on the patients. I don't know. You guys have seen the videos about it. Yeah, no doubt about it. We the ones looking after the white grandparents. That's what they doing. Slapping them around. Y. That's right. Sign your away with this contract. Yeah. Shut up and take your pill, Mr. Jefferson. Shut up your mouth. Take your pill, bastard. Bring about the next one. Just serving foo foo all day. What is this? The. My grandma's eating. Why is there flies all over it? She using. Using our hands, too. That's. That's one thing you got to do with food. You got to use your hands to eat it. Okay. What do you do for work here in America? Oh, man, I did a lot of things. I used to sell cars. I used to work at a factory now in Austin. I. I drive. I drive for Amazon. I do Amazon and then I do Uber on the side again. You went from the Amazon to. To the Amazon? Amazon, Absolutely, man. It's just something about that. That bush in Amazon. Bush to bush, Amazon to Amazon. This is the American dream. What was that? Hey, it was a little jungle bird. That's actually the name of that sound effect is Jungle Bird, man. Yeah. Yes, sir. I love it. What do you do for fun, man? I bless the reigns. Oh, my goodness gracious. He's doing it alive. We're getting word it just started raining outside. It is a downpour here in Austin right now. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully y'all got your goddamn umbrellas. I just summoned them. Absolutely incredible, man. I don't know. I try to stay away from the police. That's. Yeah, I do. For fun, you know? Yep. That must. That's a full Time, job. Get out of them, man. You know, so regular things. What are our thoughts about fat bootied white bitches, man? Oh, this is very good. I like. I like it, I like. You like it. I saw a lot of big booty black women in Nigeria, you know? What? Do you prefer black or white, man? I don't, man. My dick don't discriminate, man. I accept. I accept any. Any pussy I get right now, you know? Amazing. When's the last time you got pussy? You seem like, I got some coming this weekend. So. You got some coming? Yeah, yeah, I got some. I got some pussy. I got some drinks coming this weekend. God damn it. Some. Order it through Amazon. Yeah, some coochie on the way. You gotta come in prime, huh? Where's it coming from? Where's it coming from? Yeah, you know, she's Spanish. She's Spanish, you know what I mean? I tried to try something new. Try a little Mexico. Wow. I've tried black. I was in Minnesota. I tried white a lot out there, you know? Yeah. What? Do you notice the difference between the white vagina and the black, black vagina, man, this one's on you. It's white vagina. Like it a little rougher. They like, like a little rougher, man. I don't know. Black. When you say they like it a little rough, what exactly do you. You could smack a white in the ass and she'd be cool with it. Black women, they try to take an emissions, man. Oh, that's too hard. Ah, that's too hard, bro. You would think. You would think based on hit history, it would be the other way around. Hey, yo. Hey. Hey. Hey, man. How many Panthers died for this curtain to look fly right here, man? Any. It's a lot of. Anyway. Yeah. Well, Mike, before I let you go, one more crazy thing about your life that makes you different. What's something that you're into or that we would be surprised to know about you? I got a college degree. No way. Yes way. Fucking finished, man. Wow. Ain't usin it though. Ain't usin it though. Relax, baby. Social science. I'm working at Amazon. Wow. Shit. Didn't help my black ass. My goodness. Where'd you go to school? I went to Winona State University. Well, I went to juco first. I went to junior college first. Rochester, Minnesota. Rochester Technical College and then went to Winona State. The hell is that? Did you. Did you say what your major was? Social. Social, actually. Social work. Social work my way major. Yeah, social work. Helping people. Very noble. You are Awesome. I like your style. The minute was a little rough. You're a little rusty. You could. You got. But you are so charismatic. The interview, absolutely unbelievable. Appreciate you. I think. Think you need. You do a. You keep doing spots, keep getting out, keep working it out, and you're going to be just fine. Mike. IO baby. You can't even make it up. IO baby. Well, there's only one way to end a show like this. William Montgomery is sick. And Ari Matty is in Estonia. So I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen, here with yet another new minute, the guy who misses less than anybody. He's always here, never says, hey, can I take a week off? Hey. I don't know. He. His work ethic is unbelievable. He is the undeniable, the one and only. This is Cam Patterson. Without slavery, I could have been that nigga. Yikes. I be going to clubs and shit. I go to clubs a lot. And I went to a club recently back home in Florida and one of the bouncers had like, had one of the wand things and he wanded the bottom of my feet. And I left that line immediately, dawg. Cause I don't want to go nowhere. They getting foot pistols in. That's crazy. That's psychopathic. And I also have a theory about bouncers. Not the bouncers here because they are regular people, but I think, like, bouncers anywhere else are all gay. That's what I think. Think they big gay niggas. That's what I think. Big undercover gay niggas. Cause every time I go to a club, they pat me down. They always touch my dick. My dick get touched every single time. And if the club is full, they probably touch 200 dicks. It's a lot of dicks to touch as a straight man. Gay ass nigga. That's crazy. It's gay. And if I was a bouncer and I'm not. Cause I'm not gay. But if I was. If I was a bouncer and I patted you down, you had a bigger dick than me, I would not let you in the club. No, my girlfriend's in there. No, no, bucko. There's gonna be a bunch of little dick niggas doing little dick dance and shit like that. Know that. That again, appreciate that is how it's done. Yet another new minute and some change for Cam Patterson. Oh, man. Absolute anomaly. How are you, Cam? I'm good, man. How you feeling? Great. Hell yeah. This is such a fun episode tonight, right? Yeah, this is been Cool to see, though. That one Mexican that came out and said immediately was crazy. Yeah. And that was crazy. And then it all went downhill from there. He tried to get out 23 seconds into his set. He's like, I appreciate that. Thank you. Good night. That was incredible. That retarded, man. It's all good. Started. It may have been one of the wildest. This, like, though he started with pure heat and then he left with a barrage of booze and double birds. He meant that, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. He turned on this crowd. Cam, my God, you have been a relentless regular on this show. Appreciate you. And yet you did it again. What's going on in your life now? I got a new car. I got two new cars. Cars. Oh, you have two cars. Okay, well, that's not the way we were hoping. You don't know where they are, though. You don't know what they are. Oh, well, I'm sure when I find out what they are. Yeah, you'll be more excited. One is a Chevy Impala. Yeah, I know that. Yeah. I bought 20 inch rims. No, no, 24. 24. There you go. 20 foe. Yeah, 24. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And you wait. Yeah. 96. Fuck, nigga, that's right. It is an unbelievable car. He insisted that I go to the parking lot and check it out when he got it. And I gotta tell you, I was really proud of you. It was incredible. The rims are shiny. The inside is classy as hell. Lot of space. Hell, yeah. For fucking. Yep. For fucking that car. Yep. For fucking that car. For sure. Yeah, that's the fucking car. Have you done it yet? No, but I'm going to. I'm telling you, I'm a fucking that car. All right? And I got, like. I got sauces in there, too, so the seats. Rattles up. Pussy get wet. Cause like a vibrator, like. All right, yeah, okay. I'm that car. Okay. And you have a new car. Yeah. Okay. Yep. What is this one? I'm on Facebook. Marketplace. Too much is the problem. It's a 2014 Infiniti. Okay. What made you get an Infiniti? I don't know. Genetics. What did he say? My daddy had an Infinity. My granddaddy had an Infinity. Everybody had Infinities, man. Your sister Infinity also had an Infinity. To the stage. Infinity. Oh, my God, Cam, why would you get a second second car? I don't know. Have you thought about buying property? Yes, but you. I thought about it. I ain't. I ain't. That's all I Did I thought about it. I'm getting out. We're doing okay. Well, how do you feel about Slovakia? What is that? I don't know. What is that? What color is this? Infinity. It's like a. It's like a. It's like. I don't even know how to explain. It's like. It's got a wrap on it. It's like purple. Yes. I knew it. I knew it. From the second you said infinity, I'm like, I shouldn't ask him the color. It's kind of a boring question in front of millions of viewers. But I'll bet it's purple. I want to ask. I bet it's. It's purplish. You, Tony. I know, I know. I can see the color. It's like purple. It's, like, almost black, but it's got, like, a purple tint. Plum. John Dees, our senior black correspondent, is saying plum, and we know that it's plum. I can literally. I know you well enough to know the look on your face. I could show you on a. I will have Bread band bring up the color thing, and I will show you the color, and you're gonna drop the mic because I'm gonna nail it. How do you think it's plum? What? Do you think it's plum? What? Why do you think it's plum? What make you think it's plum? What makes you believe it's a plum color? I don't understand. Oh, okay. Well, that's kind of just like, normal. Okay, here. Maybe this one. This chart right here brought up a rainbow. That's gay. Well, dude. Dude with a purple car. Rainbow's kid. Stupid. Super gay. Super gay. Purple is cool. It's not purple, though. It's not purple, but if it was purple, it'd be cool. It's not plum. You. I mean, I'll cut that out. I'm gonna pick this square right here. How close am I to correct? That's the color, dude. Go up a little bit. It's plum, dude. Pink. No, not pink. It's a little. It's a little darker than that, but it's got that. That. That you're wrong. If you had to say the color of the car, how would you describe it? Purplish. God. So much fun. What else, Cam? Anything else we should know about? Ah, that's it. Really. Oh. Oh, no. Uh. Oh. Oh, no. There is no. No. So I was going. We went to Canada this weekend. It was in Toronto, and my dad been to Canada a couple times, like, a lot with Me. Oh, Kenny Patterson, like, a lot. Legend of Kenny Patterson. It gets stronger today. So he go to Canada a lot. And then we went through the. What is it? The immigration or whatever the. What them niggas is. Yep, Customs. Yep, Customs. Went through customs. And the dude was like, y'all gotta go inside for a second. And so we going. It's me, my dad, and my sister. And we go inside. Cause we drove and we drove over there from Buffalo. And we went inside and he just. The lady just called my dad over, and then she was like, yeah, you got like a domestic abuse charge from 99. Oh, my God. And I was born in 99, so. Oh, my God. And he just went, well, see y'all in Buffalo. Nigga, I don't know to tell you. He made his wife purple. Oh. And then they mean a walk back to. To America. Really? Yeah. You can't go to Canada if you have any kind of charge like that. He got in three times and he told the lady that. He was like, I got in three times. She was like, we didn't see the first couple times. He was like, you're a dumb. And I was like, wait a minute. Don't do it again. Not here. This ain't the place to do it. Cam, you are the man. Thank you so much. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Killing it. Cam Patterson. How about one more time for tonight's guests? Tim Buttery is on tour. Timbutterley.com Tim Butterley Show Check out Dad Me One more time for Chris O Connor, everybody. Todd Myers, Season 2, June 4. Stuff island is his podcast. Thank you to Bluechew and nicked nicotine pouches. These guys are on tour. Check them out. A Chris oconnor.com and timbutterley.com the drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in. Thank you very much for having me, Tony. This is a pleasure, dude. Tim Butterley. Dream come true. Chris O'Connor Fun times, gentlemen. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip. ATX.com love you guys. Go re watch the Netflix special. Shout out to to our good friend Shane Gillis for holding it down as the great Donald Trump and Kyle Dunnigan and Adam Ray and everybody, Rogan Segura. All the special treats. Jeff Ross, everyone. Live audience. Thank you so much. We love you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users phone numbers, emails and Social Security numbers, delivering real time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14 day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free. When you visit aura.comdefense that's aura.comdefense to sign up for a 14 day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's a U R a dot com defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. When your company earns unlimited 2% cash back on all purchases with Capital One, that's serious business. So Stephen at Sandcloud got a serious business card, the Spark Cash plus card from Capital One. 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