Tony Hinchcliffe (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is redmi coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of K O. Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchler. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Eevee. Thanks. Nights for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, and how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? That is indeed the Kill Tony band. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. That is the great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys, and that is D Madness on the bass guitar. Stupid straws. How we feeling tonight, everybody? Happy to be here. I am wearing sunglasses for the first time in the show's history, for I am coming off fresh from Wrestlemania. Last night we did a roast of Wrestlemania, which lasted until the wee hours of the night, and then hung out with Triple H and f Cking a bunch of people that you guys could never fathom the type of life that I live, long story short. And so that Sunglasses night, it's sunglasses night for this guy to look at. Look at this dirt ball right here. He's got a grill. Absolutely. That's unbelievable, sir. How cool are you? I love it. I need someone to take my trash out on Wednesdays. Are you free on Wednesday? All right, anyway. Fuck yeah. Before we get tonight's show started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hey, y'all. This podcast is indeed sponsored by Bluechew. Guys, have better sex with BlueChew. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, bluechew is offering a combo so strong, it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off. Discover the options@bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew free when you use promo code Tony. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechoot.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. Oh, you're popping a little bony right now. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You might say all kinds of stuff when things go wrong, but these are the words you really need to remember. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. They've got options to fit your unique insurance needs. Meaning you can talk to your agent to choose the coverage you need. Have coverage options to protect the things you value. File a claim right on the State Farm mobile app and even reach a real person when you need to talk to someone. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Hey, Lonzo Ball, it's your agent. What's up? I've got a commercial opportunity for you from Buzzball's ready to go. Cocktails. Nice. My last name is Ball. The product is a cocktail in a ball. I get it. That's what I thought too. But no, they want you for your hands. They think your big hands will show off the size of their new blue biggies. Ball. Big blue balls. Really? Get blue balls this season with Buzz Balls. Please, you're responsible. Buzz Balls available in spirit, wine and malt, 15% Alco Bavo and Buzz Balls LLC, Carrollton, Texas. Who's ready to start tonight's episode? Huh? Every single week, I have two of the most entertaining people in the world on this show. This week is no different. We have the return of one of our favorite guests of the year and a first time guest who I can say with no hesitation is my favorite person on all of social media. Nobody makes me laugh like this man. One of the greatest entertainers in the world. One of the most fascinating creatures on planet Earth. One of the greatest athletes of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guests, Antonio Brown and Tommy Pope. Fuck yes. Antonio motherfucking Brown, baby. Let's go, Tommy Pope. Let's go. Tommy Pope is on one of the funniest shows on planet Earth. One of the two funniest shows, it's Kill Tony and Tires. He is on Tires Season 2, debuting June 5th. One of my favorite comedians, he does the look at dish on YouTube and stuff. Island is his podcast. Thanks for having me, Anthony. Good to be here, Thomas. And this is indeed one of the most fascinating entertainers in the world, Antonio Brown. Thanks for having me. Antonio Brown, his first time on the show at AB84. But I'm sure anybody that watches this show is already following your crazy ass. It is unbelievable. He posts about Jimmy Kimmel being gay and it is my favorite shit on planet Earth. He Will find some gay and he will post it and he'll say, this is what Jimmy Kimmel does for breakfast. Or all of it. You name it and I get it. And I send it to Joe, I send it to Shane. And you are what we share. People might wonder, hey, what are some of the funniest people in the world text about? We send Antonio Brown's tweets to each other. And Kanye, Kanye's got some good ones too. You got some stiff competition out there. One of the greatest geniuses of all rap geniuses of all time is also a wild boy on social media. Antonio Brown is stayanchored.com some CBD stuff. That's you. The weed. That's right. You got weed. Okay, yeah, it's THC and Crash. What is it? Crash Pot buckets. Crash out buckets.com for those of you in the market for a helmet. He is selling them that should be in that. Cool. You can wear a Vietnam helmet. Yeah, nobody brings it up, dude. He walked into the green room, everyone's like, yo, you look great, dude. Sick as hell, bro. I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure Antonio's got the market cornered for people that are looking for some hard ass helmets. Hey, I'll tell you, our fan base needs helmets. So you just hit the lottery. Crash out buckets.com for your Antonio Brown helmet. And yeah, it's going down, everybody. Antonio's first time on the show. Over 200 people signed up to be on this mama jama. They're crammed in a bar right next door. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I interview them and we all find out more about them live in the flesh. Don't touch the bucket. Pull a name out. Fucking weirdo. Gave him a real chance to do something cool and he takes it like he's Paul Bear holding an urn for the undertaker. Oh, the booker. Fucking weirdo fucking blew it. The first name has been picked by what appears to be one of Donald Trump's nephews. And so the show shall begin. While we go wrangle your first bucket poll of the night, I have a golden ticket winner ready to go for your first 60 second uninterrupted set of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. This is a long awaited Return of one of the great golden ticket winners. This is Todd Royce, everybody. Here we fucking go. What is up, Austin? I don't know. I have a weird relationship with my mom. Does anybody else have a weird relationship with my mom? My mom never understood boundaries when it came to me. She never understood that there were things I don't want to hear my mom say. I remember one time she came home and she said, hey, Todd, I got a joke. I go, what's that? And she goes, why can't miss piggy count to 100? I said, why? And she said, because at 69, she gets a little fog in her throat. I was like, mom, that's disgusting. Also, I think it should be frog. She goes, what do you mean, frog? I go, at 69, she gets a little frog in her throat. It's a frog. Like Kermit. She goes, no, no, no, it's fog. Like, come. And I was like, mom. So Now I'm a 16 year old virgin arguing about the sexual habits of two muppets with my mom. Which is probably why I'm still in therapy. It's probably also why I get an erection every time the Muppets come on or I talk to my mom. That's a joke. I'm kidding. I've never gotten hard watching the Muppets grow up. Thank you, guys. All right, Todd Royce, There you go. 60 seconds. Set. That's how it's done. He's done it again. How long ago did we meet you, Todd? When did you get Your golden ticket? 2019. 2019. Wow. Six years ago. It's a long time. One full pandemic. Absolutely. That I survived. Wow. Shockingly incredible. And that is only because of Crashout buckets dot com. That's true. He wore a helmet throughout the entire thing. Absolutely incredible. Todd, remind us, how long you been doing stand up? I've been doing stand up for seven years. How old are you? I am 46 years old. 46? Yeah. You don't look a day over £450. Look at. People do say I look young for my age, but that's just because I'm a health nut. You're a health nut? Yeah. What kind of nut is that? Exactly one. Definitely. Wrapped in chocolate and. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And what have you been up to, Todd? Tell us. It's been a while since you've been on the show. I live in Las Vegas. I just started a show in Las Vegas. And downtown Las Vegas. You live in Las Vegas because you are the sphere. That's right. The. The dead is inside me right now. Because the Grateful Dead, they're doing a show out at this. Never mind. You got it. Okay. You're doing good, Todd. You're doing good. Where exactly do you get a shirt that size? Where do you have to go? Is that a custom job? What? Exactly. What the. A Mexican roofing company. Yeah, so they lay the tarp down when they do roofs. Roofs? Roof. No, this was just the tarp in the backyard. We just had it, and so I put it on. No, but seriously, where do you get clothes? I go to a place called dxl, which, by the way, if you don't know, a lot of people think it's deluxe XL or whatever. It's Destination Extra large. If this is your destination, you fucked up in life. Yeah, no doubt about it. It is incredible. We have one of the greatest football players of all time here. Did you ever play football, Todd? You don't have to touch the guests. All right, I'll stop. Did you ever play football, Todd? You're a big boy. You seem like you would have been a good center. Offensive lineman. I thought about it, but then there's a lot of running in football, and I'm not much of a runner, believe it or not. And no, I never really did football. I did wrestling, but that was. Never played football. If you want to take me under your wing and maybe I could start another career, maybe he could take you under his wing and you could take him under your breasts and thighs, because you are a monster. Todd, how much exactly do you weigh? I. Right now? You want to know how much I weigh? Oh, I want to know. Do you guys want to know how much I weigh? Let's get the scale ready here. Yeah. There's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Absolute eye candy. So much candy that Todd wants to eat her, I love. Yeah, that's true. Todd would eat everything except for her pussy. What do you think you weigh, Todd? Last time I checked, I was two. No, four. I'm gonna need Ab's helmet. This thing's gonna shatter. Gladys is going everywhere. I was only 412 pounds. Okay, you guys want to take a guess? D Madness. Tommy, Tommy, would you like to take a guess at how much you think Todd weighs? Right. Scottish blueberry. Let me tell you something. I'm gonna go. It's. First of all, it's nice to meet you. Yeah, no, no, absolutely. I'm sorry for what's about to happen. I thought I heard that you just died, but that was, I guess, someone else. It was a different pope. Okay, thank you. This is Tommy Pope. Are you done? You're thinking I just went up £50. I just went up £50 for that. I just said it's good to meet you. I'm gonna make this easy. You're right. Sorry. Yeah, no, you're right. 4:12. You're going with his guess. So the last time he weighed in, it was 4:12. Tommy's going with 4:12. Let's get a guess. Did he say that? Yeah, he said 4:12. Yeah. I swear to God. Did not hear that. Well, that's just unbelievable. It was right there. There's a lot of amplification in the room. There's literally been hard to see, but I guess sometimes I'm hard to hear. Wow. There you go. All right. All right. Let's check in with the great Antonio Brown. He was 412last time he weighed himself. What do you think he's weighing in at today? Do you want the full turnaround? Black dudes usually like me from behind. He said that you might like his fat white ass. Antonio, what's the number? What do you think? That's a whole lot of chicken. Oh, he. Oh, the chest muscles work. Sure. I'll say. 4:50. 450. I like that guess. I actually like Antonio's guess. I was going to go around there. I'm gonna go 435, red band. You are the senior obese correspondence. I'm gonna go with 420. 420. Coming fresh off of 420. I don't think I'm that high. Okay, well, we're gonna see. You don't know what we see when we look at you. It is. I'm also wearing heavy shoes. That's all. That. That is all part of the. Is an. We're in heavy years too, dude. And now, ladies and gentlemen, stepping on the scale, this is Todd Royce, Tommy Pope. Give me a reading over there. We should all be wearing protective goggles. Oh, 412. 412. Exactly. That is correct. Give me a book. Give me a book. Yeah. Fuck. That is a much better direct. That's a much better reaction than my doctor usually has. Your doctor. Your doctor needs to be fired. Yeah, yeah, your doctor's fucked up, dude. He's fleecing you. I'll tell you, Todd, anything else crazy we should know about before letting you go? I am trying to get my Instagram followers up to over 500,000. Uh huh. You need more grams? Yeah, I'm at 9,000 right now, so it's gonna be hard, but if you Guys could help me out. That'd be awesome. I also got shows coming up in San Antonio, so are you gonna say your Instagram handle? Yeah, sure. It's. That would be a brilliant idea. Think anyone's watching this show? It's. I'm kidding. Don't ever insult the show. Crazy Todd Royce. That's T O double D Royce xxl. Wow. There you go. There it is. Little something from your pal Red Band over there. There he goes. He's got the show started with a bang and a boom and a one and a two. There goes Todd Royce. Into the bucket we go. You guys excited to be here? This is the fun part of the show. This is the nitty gritty. This is where we meet people all together. Perhaps we've seen them before. Maybe they're worse than they were before. Maybe they're better than they were before. Maybe it's their first time ever on the show. Maybe it's doing comedy. Either way, I try my best to find out as much about them that's interesting as I possibly can. Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. His name is Tyler Wayne, everybody. Here we go, Tyler Wayne. Hello, everyone. I hope you guys had a good 420. Or Easter, if you're gay. I hate when people say that weed doesn't, like, have any medical benefits. Weed can save your life, you know. I was a piss test away from working at Walmart, you guys. Oh, man, it is good to be here. I'm having a weird day, though. I'm having one of those days where your ex calls you from the psych ward. Anyone else date the homeless? It's fun. It has benefits. Like, you know, you get to fuck at the park. You just have to sleep there too. That sucks. That sucks. But we wound up breaking up. Cause I got a place, you know, and I brought her indoors and she kept doing homeless shit inside. And it's like, you can't be doing this, you know, we gotta be better people. Get that piss jug outta here. Thank you, Tyler. Wayne, you think homeless people piss in jugs? Yeah, when you're sleeping in the car. Okay. That's a more specific type of homeless. A homeless carful person in a piss jug. Normally they just piss outside. Yeah, I. I had respect for the other homeless around me. I was like, I don't want brag, you know, and show me if there's any homeless people listening. They will be proud to know that you think they piss and jugs. Okay. Tyler, how long you been on stand up? Six years. Six Years. Where at? I started in Iowa. Okay. Is that where you were born and raised? I was born in Louisiana, but I was raised in Iowa. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a cook at creek in the cave. Wow. Cook at creek in the cave. What was that? Is that you, Tommy? I'm sorry. What was that? I just put on his jewelry. Dude, I'm feeling it. Oh. Oh, shit. I just noticed that about your set right now, man. You're doing real good out there. Keep it going. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. That's my real last name, by the way. Yeah. Isn't that cool? Really? Yeah. Your real last name is Papa? Yeah. And you go by Pope. Oh, yeah. I just change it. You could be Tommy Papa. Isn't that cool? Why'd you change it? There's another one. Oh, there is Tom Papa. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. And he bakes bread and is a very, very liberal guy. You know what I'm gonna do? Yeah. I'm gonna get on show with him, show up in his Vietnam helmet with this on, and I'll say, fight me to the death. That's right. For the rights of the name. That's right. Crashoutbuckets.com. the exclusive place to get a helmet like that. Look how cool this looks, dude. Imagine we're having fun. I love it. So, Tyler, you are a cook at the creek and the cave. What do you do for fun? I like to go skateboarding. I picked that up. You have a skateboard? Yeah. Okay. You picked that up recently? Yeah, about a year ago. Okay. How the hell did you just hand me a little skateboard? That's a Kill Tony skateboard. Oh, my God. Where did you get this from? I don't know. Wow. Heath Cordes is. He wrote in on it. I love it. That's incredible. Okay. Tyler, you have a girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Is she really homeless? No, not that. Well, when I was dating that girl, we were both homeless. Yeah, we were. Really? So you really were in a double homeless relationship? Yeah. I like roommates, you know, I didn't want to be alone. What are some highlights of a double homeless relationship? Well, one time I was taking a dump and she was telling me about how she worked for the government. Hold on. Where were you taking a dump at exactly? This is when we were inside. Inside of a house? Yeah. Yeah. It's the good old days. I don't mean to brag. I was shitting indoors. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Incredible. So you. The door is open. Is this a studio apartment? I'm guessing. Yeah, it was A studio. The door was closed. She opened it to tell me that I didn't have to work anymore because she worked for the government. Wow. She was lying. I still had to go to work. She was just lying to you. What did she say? That she got hired for the government to do spy work? Oh, yeah. Oh, totally. That's a real thing. Anytime your homeless girlfriend tells you she just got hired by the government to become a spy, did you go for the ultimate kick flip? Dude, it's a skateboard joke. Yeah. So what did you say while taking a. And she tells you she got hired by the government? Well, it was my first time watching someone have it. A psychological break right in front of me. So I didn't. I just kind of agreed and was hoping she didn't have a knife. How did this relationship end? Take us through the breakup there. I. Do you want me to drop you off at your dad's house or the shelter? No, seriously, come on. No, I'm serious. No, but serious. Like, how does it start to end? Like, what are some highlights of the end? Not. Not the last words. Sorry. I'm like, how did it end? He's like, I said goodbye. Well, she was unhealthy mentally, and I started to realize that after about a month and a half and. Yeah, but I mean, you're still. You were still her, correct? Well, she gave great head, dude. Like, ah. What about that vagina, though? It gripped like no other, man. It what? It gripped like no other. It gripped like no other. Okay, so you're saying that homeless vagina is better than a vagina that has a home? No. Oh, okay. But that one gripped like no other. That one was good. Okay, so some highlights of the end of that relationship. She told me that she cheated on me when we were living in the car with a guy who had a house. Wow. Oh, see, that's why I do the interview portion of the show. We never would have found that out. That has to be the worst. Most people never even fathom anything like that. Most people in a relationship are like, man, I hope my significant other doesn't cheat on me, but did not have a home at all. And for her to tell you that she cheated on you with a person that sleeps in a bed. Yeah, I mean, and I remember the night, too, because I parked under the bridge on 6th street and I was waiting for her all night. Jesus. Pissed. Wow. Sorry. Oh, no. This is incredible. No, this is great. Oh, my God, this is amazing. It got better, dude. Like, I'm fine now. Are you fine? I don't know, reading his diary right now. This is insane. Antonio Brown is smoking some amazing. To help him cope with your life, Tyler Wayne, just so that he can even listen to you. He is smoking some of the stayanchored.com marijuana in which he is either the, I believe, the owner of the company or an official sponsored person. Is this helping you deal with his life? Yeah. He said he had me going when he said a homeless designer vagina. This is the best, the charmer, this man. He just locked eyes me, a homeless vagina. Vagina. And I was like, yes, yes, Whatever you said, ab, I'm in. Absolutely, Antonio. I, I, I pretty much imagine that you can have sex with anything in the world that you would ever want. I mean, one of the greatest football players of all time. You're covered in absolute bling bling, as I used to say when I was a little bit younger. And so what is the, what is like the lowest you've ever gone? Can I ask you that? With a win, with a piece of Now, I'm not expecting pure homelessness. I know for sure you never parked your car waiting for the girl to come home to the car. I know you've never hit the low lows of Tyler Wayne. However, I'm wondering, is there a maybe a time in your life in which you are just like, you know what? I just want to bust a nut right now, and I want a human to help me with it. What's the lowest you've ever gone? Slightly above jerking off, but below your normal quality? What's the lowest you've ever gone, Antonio? Others go low. I go high. Perfect answer. That's a great way to avoid any lawsuits or anything like that. That's exactly what a Democratic candidate for president would have said. Perfect. Should I give him this fucking thing? I mean, I've never seen this before. Where did this come from? Oh, this is one of your finger things. I'm not gonna give away this fucking. No, I can't give away. This is like Colt's livelihood. Colt literally does the fucking skateboard with his finger. Shit. I'm not gonna take your one kill. Do you have another one? You have another Kiltoni skateboard? Guess what, my friend, you are the first ever recipient of a kill. Tony Skateboard, Tyler Wayne, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Yeah. Very new pillow. Yeah, fucking right. There he goes. Tyler Wayne. Thank you, guys. He's still up here. He's looking for a place to sleep on this stage. Wow. Amazing. A cook at the creek, in the cave. Anything can happen here. There's the lovely Heidi. The boys are drinking tonight. Antonio Brown with White Russians. Is that what that is? Hell, yeah. What are you drinking, Tommy? It's just whiskey. Just whiskey, straight up on the rocks. I love it. What was that? I'm having a jungle fever. You're having jungle fever? Black man with a white Russian. I get it. That makes perfect sense. Hey, y'all. This podcast is Indeed sponsored by BlueChew. Guys, have better sex with BlueChew. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, bluechew is offering a combo so strong, it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off. You'll have to move towns with the amount of noise you'll be making with that mighty Chewbacc in your pants. Bluechew Max has arrived, and it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and last. Guys, be ready when she needs it or he needs it. And get your first month of Bluechew free. 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Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. Oh, you're popping a little bony right now. Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. This podcast is sponsored by Nicked. You've heard us talking about Nicked because they've taken nicotine pouches to the next level. Heck, they're the only pouches we use these days. My favorite flavor. You guessed it, citrus ice. Nicked is a step above Any other pouches because they use the best ingredients for a cleaner, more refined experience. They're made with natural coconut fiber instead of wood pulp for a smoother, better experience that won't hurt your gums. Plus, Nicked pouches come in different strengths to help you hit the sweet spot. 12, 6 and 3 milligrams with a range of refreshing mint, bold fruit and unflavored options. There's always something to keep you satisfied. And Nicked will have a 0mg option available this month, so you can dial in the perfect experience to suit your needs. So whether you're trying to kick chewing tobacco, traditional smoking products, or vape, Nicked flavors hit just right. Tony Nicked rules, period. I love that. Nicked cans come with this built in disposable lid for used pouches, meaning no litter and no mess. Wow. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's time to upgrade to nick nicotine pouches, just like we did right now. Our listeners get 35 off when you order through our exclusive URL. NYKDPouches.com Tony and you can use this code up to three times. Don't wait. Get 35% off now at NY KDPouches.com Tony that's nicked pouches.com Tony Nick products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Your next bucketful goes by the name of Dylan Jarbo, everybody. Dylan Jarbo. We're having fun here tonight. Here we go. I just found out I had high blood sugar. Doctor asked me what I've been eating. I said, a lot of blood, lot of sugar. You know, I was in high school. I thought it'd be really sweet to go to prom with my grandma. But it wasn't. She went home with somebody else. I think water bottles are getting too big. Like, you go to the gym, you see a girl, she just has like a scuba tank with a straw in it. You got a climate to drink out of it. I like to do this thing. I'd go to the gym with like a gallon jug and I just fill it full of white claws. So all the ladies are like, wow, good for him. I'm like, you want to see how much I can bench press? Do you take fish oils? Can I have a cigarette? I did a dry January this year. 31 days, no crying. Thank you so much. Dylan Jarbo getting laughs throughout the set. Welcome back, Dylan. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Good to be back here. Yes, absolutely. How long you been doing stand up? I just hit nine years. Wow. Nine years. Incredible. Where have you been doing it for nine years? I did five years in Jacksonville and I moved out here four years ago. You moved out here four years ago? Okay. What do you do for work? I have a IT job. Work from home. Okay. You work from home? Yeah. Boring. Yeah. How many hours a day do you work from home? Technically, eight, but really, like two. Yeah. Okay. And how do you. How do you. What do you. I mean, there must be a lot of spare time. So what the hell are you doing with your life other than other comedy during work or other than comedy in life Overall? The other 22 hours of the day? I foster dogs. Wow. Yeah. Take care of animals. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I just. I put them in an apartment until someone finds one, and then. Oh, you have an apartment. What a huge upgrade from the other people that have been on the show so far. The homeless. Yeah. Okay. And you live by yourself? I do, yeah. And how are you able to afford that just with your I. T. Job? Just with my IT job? It gets by enough. Okay. And how many dogs do you foster? Have you fostered? One. Oh, wow. What an amazing singular. Yeah. Did you eat it? No, did not eat it. No. It was a. It was a puppy, so it was. It was like Black Friday. It was gone seconds. So you got a dog? Yeah, I. I adopted. I helped with a dog. Oh. And then bye, bye. It was gone. You gave it away? You kind of have to. Yeah, I wasn't gonna keep it. How long did you have it for? A day. Wow. And out of all the things that you could have answered about your entire life, I specifically made a point to say the other 22 hours of the day. What do you do with your life? It's. I fought foster to dogs. It was actually a dog. It was one day, one puppy, One day, one dog. So I guess everybody here is a dog. Foster, you could be. Wow. Anything else about your entire life, Dylan Jarbo? I mean, anything at all. Do you. Have you ever seen the show before, Dylan? I know you've been on it, but have you ever watched it? No. I love. I'm big basketball guy. I'm undefeated in horse. That's another one. Really like to walk? Yeah. Wow. Are you undefeated. Wow. This is incredible. He played one day ever. He had a dog for a day and he played horse one time. It's twice. Two games. Two. Zero. Wow. This is a shocking interview. Yeah. Thank you, Dylan. So what scares you? Oh, dogs. Oh, hell no. Wasps. Wasps, Yeah. I can't deal with the wasps. How often do you see wasps? At least once a week. There's just one wasp floating around my apartment. Like a white Anglo Saxon. Yeah, he's pissed at me. I fucked around. This wasp, he's around. Have you ever been stung by a wasp? No, thank God. Why are you so afraid of them? Why are you so traumatized by a thing that's never even affected you? I just could see my future and I don't want that. It's gonna hurt. These people that work from home are losing their goddamn minds. I don't know if anybody else. I could see the future. It ain't this dude. What? You seem like you would have a weird porn fetish. Like what? What is your porn category? When you search. That's a good question. You are on it. There's a lot of spare time on that computer. You definitely don't have a girlfriend with that school shooter face. I mean, you look like you have dirty thoughts. I agree with Red Band. You have a fetish like mind. Tell the truth, spill the beans. What are you into with porn? A lot of solo stuff. Wow, that makes sense. You live a very lonely life. It's relatable to you in your life. Being solo so often. Oh, yes. I could see why you would be into solo stuff. What do you like to watch them do? Solo talk? Masturbate? Penetration. Is it the wasp thing you don't like? No, there's no wasps in it. It's strictly maybe dildo for getting crazy. Wow. Yeah, wow. So you guys were on the opposite. I'm pretty vanilla on the porn. Oh, you're pretty vanilla all right. Dude, you are a. You are the root. You are vanilla extract, my friend. I mean, I have been trying for the last five minutes to get anything out of you whatsoever. We got one day. You fostered a dog and you literally shot a basketball for what comes out to about 12 minutes. He's blinked twice. I feel like he falls to the dog and the dog was like, mom, can you come pick me up too? This dude's out of his mind. You think you might. Girls finger themselves all day long. I'm hungry. Walk me. I got a. Said the dog. You don't have a wild side at all. There's nothing like something like every once in a while you do something. Staring at me, dude. I'm looking at Tony. He's talking. Yeah, I know. I'm looking at. Control your eyeballs. This is insane. Give me your helmet, dude. This boy is insane. I'd rather be Homeless. Oh, man. I'm sorry to. No, you're good. I love it. I love it. What kind of car do you drive? Ford Focus. Oh, my God. Checks out. Jesus. Checks out Christmas. You might be one of the scariest people we've ever. Don't look at him in the eyes. Don't. Don't look him in the eyes. What color is the Ford Focus? Is it white? It's black. Whoa, look at that. What an amazing twist. I can't believe that. That's, like, shocking to me. Speaking of black focus, Antonio Brown, have you ever seen anybody quite this boring before? Is this like. This is like. You're used to this. Like, this would be like the guy that, like, irons the jerseys and hangs them up for you guys or something like that, right? Everybody's like, kind of special needs. Everyone on the team's nice to him, right? Something like that. Who does this remind you of? Have you ever been around a specimen? This? Yeah, he's like the ball boy. Like the bald man. Well, Dylan, next time you. Come on. Yeah. You know, think about what the podcast part of the show. You know what I mean? The millions of people watching and listening. Think about that part. I got you the 60 seconds. You have a pretty good grasp on. You already have a little joke book. No, you have a big one. Yeah, like four years ago. You know what? I'm gonna give you a little. Just based on. Wow. That's what happens when you sit at home all day watching people ugly finger themselves. Absolutely incredible. Dylan, get some fresh air, pal. Go to a park or something. Get your joke book. Get your joke book. This guy has no idea how to be in society. There he goes. Dylan, Charbo. This guy has no idea. Can't catch a bug. It went over his shoulder. He just stood there while it just floated by him. Oh, Heidi brings life back to the show like a. One of those resuscitator things that you have to zap. Clear? Clear. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. We know him, funny man. This is the long awaited return of Ike Rafferty, everybody. Ike Rafferty, here we go. Tyler Perry just got the rights to remake Schindler's List. Yeah, the original was in black and white. This one's just gonna be in black. They're gonna go with the tagline, you thought ashy elbows was bad. And instead of one movie, it's a whole Madea franchise. Diary of a Mad Black Nazi. The Mammy and the Striped Moomoo. Madea's Big Fat Holocaust. Sorry, Heller. Cost I Know you ain't putting me in the back of this train car. Hell yeah. Ike Rafferty, an unbelievable premise. Thank you, Tony. If that movie came out, I would love to see it. Unbelievable glasses. Thank you. Thank you, Ike. You know what? I think you're the best performer of the night so far. Flattery will get you everywhere. That's right. Flattering and fattering well into that one. Amazing. Is that really true? Tyler Perry didn't get Schindler's List. It's a great after the show. Yeah. No, it's not. Okay, There you go. I'm sorry I deceived you. Okay. I love apologies on the show. It's always good. Amazing. Ike, how's comedy been treating you? It's been good. I moved out of my car. Wow. This is an extra homeless episode of Kill. Tony. Tony. Tonight. No, I moved out of my car. Right, yes. Okay. How long were you in your car for? It was about a year. Tony. What kind of car was it? A Chevy Spark, Tony. Wow. A Chevy Spark. The cars and the living situations of tonight's bucket pulls. Antonio Brown literally has more value on any finger or wrist than every bucket pole combined. This. This is absolutely incredible. Yes, that's something. Yes. Amazing. So now what is your living situation? I'm living in a full blown house with my wife. Let's go. Thank you. Let's go. You had a wife and a Chevy Spark? I did, yeah. She wasn't living here at the time. I moved here before her and then she came afterwards. That's great. Wow. Congratulations. What does she do for a living? She works in hr. Okay. How do you make your money? I work at Red Bands Comedy Club. Whoa. Red Bands Comedy Club. I have a server at the Sunset Strip. Absolutely. How many people work for you that sleep in their cars? Red Band. One less now. Yeah, one less. Wow. And take us through your writing process of that Tyler Perry, Schindler's List joke. Did you think about perhaps adding in the fact that they put 8 million chickens in the ovens? I would. I think that number is debatable. Tony. It would be the best part of the joke if Michael didn't do that stupid drum hit thing afterwards. It would have. Would have eventually gained momentum in the room. I know these things. I study everything. Ike, you kind of look like you're losing your mind. Before you had facial hair. A little bit of color to you. Is living under a roof affecting you in a negative way? Perhaps you don't quite have the spark that you used to have. I'm getting considerably Less sun these days. Inside a lot. Not seeing the daylight. This is the most I've been outside of my house. This is pretty exciting. Still no daylight, though. Wow. What's something crazy we should know about you Ike that you've never told us before? Oh, wow. Does anybody tell the Bucket pools what the show is before they come out here? I mean, this is absolutely incredible. Just call her daddy. Right? What do we. Okay. Okie dokie. So how about that answer to the question from a minute ago? I was hit a lot as a child. Not enough. Is that true? It was. I feel like I'm looking at my stepdad again. You make me miss New York, dude. Cause you look like a pizza maker. You know what I mean? You look like the guy at like 2:30 in the morning when you're blacked out with your friends and you go, what do you want? What do you want, pal? Huh? What do you want? Pepperoni? How many? How many? Come on, come on, come on, come on. How many? That's you. There's flour dusted all over your fucking fat man jeans. You're wearing white shoes because you want to protect the black ones. It's a racial thing. I support you. I wish you the best with you and your wife. Papa. Thank you. You're welcome. Wow, this was very cathartic. You are an interesting psychological case. It does seem like things have slowed up a bit with you. Kind of just like in your. Are you, like, tired today? No. Are you on. Are you. Are you on medicine, perhaps? No, I'm on medicated. I've actually been going through Adderall withdrawals, so that might. Oh, wow. So who would have guessed that the thing that gives you energy and pep, you were on before. Yes. And now you're not. Wow. It almost seems like that's the exact answer that I was looking for this entire time. Holy shit. That's incredible. I had no idea you were on Adderall. Normally fat people aren't on Adderall. It's the whole thing. So when did you stop taking Adderall? Back in December. There was a shortage. And so you went cold turkey? Cold turkey. And you also. And ham. Yes, exactly. Is it really true that you're. It's really true that you were beaten as a kid? I was, yes. Wow, that is so interesting to me. Are you still in communication with your parents at all? With the. With the beaters? Not with the beater, no. Okay, but you think it affected you perhaps in life in some way? Probably psychologically. Okay, this is perfect because we have A very special guest here tonight at the comedy Mothership and here to give a little psychoanalysis. I was hoping I was going to get an opportunity to use him tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, joining us just for a quick pop in, make some noise for one of the most brilliant minds in the world, this is the one and only Jordan Peterson, everybody. Here we go. Wow. Live in the flesh, one of the great brilliant, beautiful minds, the great and powerful Jordan Peterson. Jordan, sweet little, like sweet little Ike is going through Adderall withdrawals. He was. Yes. You have. Interesting. We have. What do you. Can you, can you. Can you. Can you help this guy? Can you tell him something or ask him some questions or what would you do to make him feel better through this process? What would you ask him or say or do or some advice for him or something? Oh, I'd get him off the stage away from you mean bastards right away. Yeah, he signed up for it, Jordan. He signed up for it. I've been watching all you. Eh? Yeah. And he's saner than any of you for. And he's a lot saner than most of you. So just a. Just a casual observation. I'm happy to be here. With that said, you are a genius. Do you have any advice for someone that is going through Adderall withdrawals or something like that or. There's almost nothing that 40 ounces of rye won't fix. That's beautiful. I love that. Hell yeah. I didn't realize you were Italian, Jordan Peterson. That is the answer to a lot of. A lot of questions. Yeah, well, uncon. What's Homer Simpson say? Alcohol. The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Yeah. I love it. I. I never would have guessed that Jordan Peterson would be quoting Homer Simpson up here. Only in the Kill Tony universe do you see something like that. Look at me sandwiched in between these two dudes. It's fucking nuts. Neapolitan. That's what's going on here. Neapolitan. Weren't gonna work out. Look at me now. We got chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. Who doesn't love a little? We clearly share a fashion sense. Absolutely. Antonio brown iced out chocolate swirl. He talks like he tweets. I'm so, like, starstruck. It's unbelievable. I love it. I'd also congratulate our comedian here for his bravery or. Yes. Or his masochism. I'm not sure which. Yes. Might be a fetish, but it might be humor. Yeah. Yeah. It is risky business. It is. It is Russian roulette here on Kill Tony. You never know what kind of mood we're all in. The panel, the set, and then the interview. You know, it's always a different episode, but it's always a different vibe. I mean, who would have guessed that we'd have Antonio Brown and Jordan Peterson on any of the same show ever in the history of all of entertainment. This is two absolute opposite sides of the spectrum I'm happy to be hosting here. Jordan Peterson is the founder of the Peterson Academy. So for anybody out there, just know that you can go to petersonacademy.com and it recently went from 5.99 a year to 399. 99 a year. This is true, Jordan. Yeah, well, you all could be a lot better than you are. So that's a cheap way to start and effective too. I want that on a T shirt. Peterson Academy. You all can be a lot better than you are. Let's make some merch. Get it@petersonacademy.com 5.99 or now it's 3.99 a year. Make your life better. Be a better human. Make some noise for the great and powerful Jordan Peterson, ladies and gentlemen. Good to see you all. Ike, you already have a big choke book. There he goes. Like Rafferty, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. Hey, red man, guess what? The best beer on the market just got a whole lot better. My day it Voodoo Ranger mini Rippers are mini cans. They're cans of extremely drinkable juice. Force IPA or Tropic Force IPA. These mini cans deliver a quick impactful hit at 9.5 alcohol and are great for moderation, storage, portability, and convenience. Don't believe me? Then let me throw it over to the kill. Tony. Resident beer expert, Tony. I love Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. You gotta try them if you like your beer staying cold down to the whole last sip. Plus the mini size makes them perfect for a pocket beer. It's a 12 out of 10 for me, Tony. Wow. Your pockets are loaded with Voodoo Ranger and baked potatoes. That's right, red band. From here on out, it's mini can full throttle. Because Voodoo Ranger mini rippers are the new go to bev to start your night with a bang. These mini cans are fun, portable, and pack a hell of a punch. There's nothing worse than drinking a humongous beer and feeling like you ate a loaf of bread, Right? Who likes eating a loaf of bread? Find them nearby@voodoo ranger.com. do it right now. Fill Your pockets with them. Voodoo ranger dot com. It's time for another golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian won his go. He is the newest golden ticket winner in the history of the show. This is only his third ever appearance. I love this guy. I'm so excited to see another minute it from the one and only the brand newest golden ticket winner. This is Kansei Yasuda. Hey, guys. Good. I don't like when people in North America say hey yo, respect instead of saying bye. Because in Japan we take respect to a whole other level. Like for example, I'm 28 years old. Make some noise if you're younger than 28 years old. Nice. So you guys mean nothing to me. Look at all. In Japan, we ask ages all the time because we have to decide what kind of relationship we're gonna have going forward. Like are you gonna be my daddy or you gonna be my bitch? That's why. That's why, you know, because in North America, it's not good to ask ages. So that's why I have no choice but guess people's ages by how they look. And that's why I respect so many white people. Because you guys, you guys age like a banana in hot summer. Thank you very much. Thank you. Kansei Asuda with a brand new minute, 30 seconds. I love it. Welcome pack Ky. Thank you very much. Donnie, I love your style. An unbelievably soft, crisp delivery. Thank you. Yes. One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show, you and Hans Kim, the Asian staples of the show. I don't know what it is with Asian people. They are the best people to interview in the history of the show. Why do you think that is? Because I don't know. I'm a. I, I am a good person to have a conversation with because. Because I am. I have a good parents and Zen have some uv. That makes. Makes perfect sense. Kansei Yasuda. So you live in Toronto, Canada, Correct. Yes. And you mostly hang out at a ramen place where your girlfriend works, is that correct? Every day. Every day he sits at the ramen place and you eat ramen. That is correct. And you hang out with your girlfriend friend who's a waitress there? Yes. You don't work at the ramen place, but you are probably a very popular patron there. Yes. Every day. Did we shout out the ramen place the name of it last time you were on? Oh, no, not yet. Not yet. And. And do you think it'll help business there? Yes. Do you want to help business there? Yes. What's the name of the ramen place in Toronto, Canada? Tondo Ramen. Wow. Okay, do it again. Since you pointed so aggressively at the camera, can we do a thing where like you zoom in real hard or something like that? Can we do a thing? Do it. You know where the camera was, dude? Yeah. I didn't know you were over there. It's a ninja. He knows where everything in the room is right now. Focus, dude. Laser focus these chaps. Yeah. Eyes on everybody. Yeah. When he's not on stage, he wears a helmet from Crash out buckets dot com. Okay, let's do it one more time. The Ramen Place. And our great, great camera woman, slash extremely amazing producer Christy is going to do some kind of special zoom in hopefully on this. So I ask you again, what is the name of the ramen place? Tondo Lamen. Tondo Ramen. Dude, it's a. It's like that cooking. I hope we can do. I hope we do some cool trickery there and make that part extra special. Tondo Ramen. Has it been in business a while? 10 years. Wow. It just hit the 10 year anniversary, I think. How do you spell it? T O N D O. Yep, that's what I would have guessed. Red Band's the only person in the world that would have a problem. Problem finding that it. I actually go. Go up to the number one. Is it called Ryuku Shinman Tondo Ramen? Is it? Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes. That would be a whole different place. Why don't I. Why don't I ask you again and you do the point thing and you say the actual name. It's called Jojo's Cheesesteaks and Ram. Yeah. You find it? This is over there. So what is the name of this ramen place in Toronto, Canada? Ryuku Tondo Ramen. Wait, wait, wait. We still have the wrong place, we think, because this one that we found that's popular on Yelp is called Ryuku Shinman Tondo Ramen. What's. What's the address there? Give me the address. Is it on College Street? Yes, yes, yes. Okay. So again, you have no idea the ramen place that you sit at every single day. Your girlfriend better be hot as. She better be so hot. Yeah, she better be so hot that you have to let it sit and blow on it for 10 minutes before you can eat it. A Pizza Hut Tonko. Again, Again. So stressful. So stressful again. He's going to break over there and this place is going to explode. Okay, let's try it. Again. Okay. Again. It's Ryuko Shinmin Tondo Ramen. Are you ready? Yes. Can I ask you, my good friend, Kansei Yasuda, what is the name of this ramen place in Toronto? Ryukyu Shimon Tondo Ramen. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And now let's read some Yelp reviews. This is one of my favorite things to do. It's a new segment on this show. We go straight to the 1 stars and we start there. You can learn a lot about a restaurant by going directly to the one star reviews. And here. Please, please. No. This place is going to be packed. We've done this before. There was a guy in San Diego. What was it like a. It was a. It was a. It was a hookah. A hookah and restaurant. And literally the guy's like, tony, you changed our lives. They're literally making like a million dollars a month. There's a pizza place now with a Kill Tony Pizza in New York or something like that. Well, that's a whole different thing. That has nothing to do with what we're talking. Okay, all right, here we go. Dude, if you did a Portney Portnoy review. True. For only Asian restaurants, that would be so funny. Oh, it's amazing. Only Asian. Oh, well, we do them all. We do them all. We're. We're equal opportunity here. A lot of. A lot of. I thought that was gonna be interesting. Now your girlfriend stole Japanese. You understand? All right. Sorry to. Okay, now your girlfriend works as a waitress. She does the whole place. There's a patio there, too. Right. This part of there, too. And she works. She's a waitress of the whole place. Yes. Okay, here we go. Your first one star review of Ryuko Shinmin Tondo Rama Tondo in the past. This is from Mitchell l. This has 221 likes. 133 stars. It's a one star review from over four years ago. You're not going to be able to read it from there. Not with those eyes. Kanso. And here we go. Tondo in the past has been. All right, but quality of service with patio dining has severely deteriorated during COVID Oh, okay. Well, that was during COVID You know what? We'll skip that one. Thank you. One star review over six years ago from Bradley J. This is the second time we've been here, and the food is pretty good. The shoyu is delicious. But the late night service isn't the greatest. And there was a karaoke party. Three question marks on a Friday night. Two question marks in the back. Three question marks it was like an awful, awful private concert that literally no one wanted. I hope they had a real great birthday. But the volume could have been turned down by about 100%. No one near no one needs to hear a grown man singing Fergie. That's literally the whole review. Do you do they do sometimes do karaoke in the back? Yeah, I, I, I enjoy it. I karaoke at a Japanese restaurant. Just dessert dude till the end. Every night. All right. I, they do love karaoke. Do you do karaoke? Sometimes, yeah. What is your go to karaoke song? It's in, it's in Japanese. Okay. Can you give a do us do a little acapella. Acapella here. Give them the right lighting. Kino. This is Kansei Yasuda. Wow. Gerald W left a review. He's got considered an elite Yelp reviewer. He has a special red banner next to his name. I went to Little Italy for a street festival. I walked by this tondo ramen place. They were selling yaka soba on the yakisoba on the street for $10. I ordered one, but was surprised that the box they put it in was not filled to the top. The portions was so small. To fat white men. To fat. The taste was pretty decent, but it was not worth it. Also, I thought that the cook has to wear a hairnet or hat while cooking. This one wasn't. Probably won't come back. Okay, go. Go back to the fucking thing. Jesus Christ. All right, here we go. Some more one star reviews. I'm gonna find us a good one here. Five. Stop. Mila N. Says. Came here on a Saturday night with my friend. There was a line outside, but when we entered the restaurant, we got seated right away in the corner. I guess the line was for takeout. We waited about 10 minutes to be served water and before our order was taken, we had ordered five pieces of gyoza and two regular sized ramen bowls. Our gyoza took about 10 to 15 minutes and it was good, but wish it was more crispier. We waited another 30 minutes, wondering why it was taking so long. I had even noticed all the tables around us. Even the people who got seated after us got both of their bowls of ramen before us. My friend then asked the server if our ramen was on its way. It turns out they forgot to put it in. Shortly after our two bowls came. The ramen was good, not too salty. But the wait isn't worth it. Go somewhere else unless you want to wait an hour for a bowl of ramen. It's Worth it. Does that happen a lot there? I believe not. I don't know. It's. It's maybe sometimes. Sometimes. Your girlfriend, she's Asian as well, correct? Yes. What kind of Asian is she? Filipino, half Japanese. Huh. And what kind of Asian are you? Half Korean, half Japanese. Wow. Yeah. When you guys disagree about something, what is it usually about? What are you and your girlfriend, chemistry wise, disagree is what? One second. Disagree, disagree, disagree, disagree. She works at the. Because she's Filipino, she. So she works a lot. So she works all day in Toronto and Tondo ramen. And then I'm like, I have no job, so I have to wait for her. So that's. That's hard for me. Wow. Thank you. How did it feel, that hug from Tommy just then? Warm. Hell yeah. Kansei Yasuda. Should we read one more one star review? One more. 5. After coming back from Las Vegas Lena D. Only three years ago after coming back from Las Vegas, I was really craving for ramen. I stumbled upon this place on and found there was a vegan ramen for $23. I was stoked when I seen this on their menu and it must be good. It was the most expensive ramen bowl on the menu. Is this true? The vegetarian one is the most expensive? I never eat vegetarian ramen, but maybe. No, I don't think so. Okay, very good. My expectations were really high. I also ordered the curry chicken katsu for my friend to cure her hangover that day. Wow. These people are real pieces of shit. The food arrived in time and I hurried to open it to eat. I was surprised by the size of the ramen bowl. This seems to be a common thread. It was all capital letters, tiny. So I thought the tiny bowl was stuffed with ramen and toppings. Wrong exclamation point. All capital of letters. The toppings were separated from the ramen with a top lid. To separate the ramen noodles from the ingredients. There were instructions to heat up the soup, then pour into the noodles and loosen the noodles up. Since they were stuck together. There was a very small portion of noodles, which made me question if this was even going to get me full for the day. Wow. This piece of thought they were going to get one meal for the day. This is incredible. These ones are reviewed are the greatest advertisements for restaurants ever. No, no. People are like, I was. I was hungover and I just needed one meal to get me through the entire day. And one star. This place didn't anyway. There were barely any toppings either. There was more soup than noodles. Yeah, well, that Would make sense. Yeah, that would be crazy if the noodles were above the bra. Yeah, it's certainly not worth $23. It was more like a snack. On top of that, my friend's curry chicken katsu was raw. Yes, the chicken was raw. My dog can't even eat this. I am shocked that the kitchen even allowed this kind of quality to be delivered. I was still hungry after my tiny bowl of $23 ramen and my hungover friend had to recook her chicken. This is probably the worst order in experience I've ever had. Fortunately, we got a full refund for our entire order. Why they should reprice their menu or change the portion size to justify selling ramen at $23. I'm never eating there again, period. It's a lie. That's a. That's a. That's a lie. It's a different ramen company attacking Tondo Riku. Tondo Ramen. Red band's showing me a picture. He's saying it's. I, I would complain about that. That's not raw. That's just a little pink. Our senior health correspondent Brian Redban says that it's not raw. Let's go to our senior chicken correspondent, Antonio Brown. Let's see. You are the chicken specialist of the show. Would you eat this, Antonio? I mean, look at that middle there. What do you, what do you, what do you think? That's a little pink right there, man. I. That I did I dip all my dick in that balls and everything? I, I just that chick, chick comes to me a little picture. I it. You understand? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. The verdict is in. Antonio Brown. Would it K. Yasuda. And without a doubt, let, let us mention that there are it. It sits at a 4.1. It is a very highly reviewed restaurant. Check out Ryukyu Shinmentando Ramen on College street in Toronto. If you live in Toronto, you will be supporting Kansei, the only Asian, Canadian, Japanese, Korean combination. It's a combination dish, a 24 combination. I love the Kansai Yasuda. There he goes. Kansei Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. We're having fun here tonight. Night. You guys having a good time? Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, for your next comedian goes by the name of Busco Jones. Everyone make some noise for Busco Jones. One more time for Busco Jones. So they say if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. So I smoke weed every single day. Right. Thank you. A couple claps. But hey, I do wish I would have been a cokehead, to be quite honest, at least for a little bit, because I would have got with like social media calls into higher value rooms with higher value people, like, for better networking skills. Would have done great for me. They say you can't make a hoe a housewife, right? Maybe true. Real fucking easy to make one a co parent, I'll tell you that much right now. And if you're an ab. A single parent, you know, I'm not saying the mother. My first child's a hoe. I'm just saying that she was pregnant the first night we got together. And we were Both in our 20s, so we were both hoes. I've been Busco Jones. Thanks for your time. Busco? You go by Busco or Busco? Busco. Busco. Okay. Busco. So the girl that you had sex with was pregnant already? No, no, it's mine. It's mine. Oh, okay. It was. But the timing, it was like the first or second week of us. Wow. Hooking up. So it was very fast. Yeah, we got in there and got it done pretty quick. Were you coming inside of her? I mean, that's how that tends to work. Yes, sir. Well, I mean, like, were you finishing your entire load inside of her and then she got pregnant immediately? I got. I got chappelled. You know, I mean, when they whisper in your ear and I just. I was young and dumb, I don't know what that that means. She said. She said. Told me where to come. She said, come inside me. And I just. Well, it happened. Okay. Yeah. All right. Why is that called being chappelled? He had a bit about. Oh, okay. All right, so tell me where to go. Give us a little. Your answers come with a homework assignment. Exciting. Buco. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. It's okay. Somehow you're already the best interview of the night. So, busco, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up up roughly about 10 years now. 10 years? Where at exactly? Mainly Dallas. Dallas, okay. What do you do for a living? Oh, wow, there's some white trash here. East Texas. I'm a real estate broker. Real estate broker? Really? My God. I mean, everybody here tonight, every bucket pool has pizza chef energies. Meanwhile, here you are. Night at A Piece pizza shop. Actually. Actually, you what? I moonlight at a pizza shop. Get out as well. Yeah. What do you mean you moonlight at a p. What? Explain exactly what that means. Basically, there's a small place in East Dallas that I used to work at when my daughter was born. And It's a small place. They need help sometimes, so I'll go in and manage for them. You manage at a pizza place? What's the name of the pizza place? Scalini's. Scalini's Pizza. Can you spell it for us? Nice and slow. You're shocked at the tech genius. Red bands, typings. S, C, A, L, I, S C, A L, I, N I, S N, I, S. That's gonna. You'll have to go to Google or Yelp. Yeah, it's on Yelp. Dallas Scalini's. S, C A L I N. Okay, we got it. And this is located on Abrams Road. Abrams Road. Okay, we got it. And you only work at night time? Yes, and sometimes a Monday morning shift. Okay. What do you do on the Monday morning shift? I take care of the whole front of house. Perfect. This is one star reviews of Spolini's four months ago. You were working there four months ago, right? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's an easy question. Question. I've been going to scalini since the 90s. Tonight I was verbally insulted by the female that handed me my to go order when I called to complain that my order was wrong. Do you know the female that maybe has an attitude there? Yeah, I know that one. I remember that night. And you've seen her like yell at people before? Oh, she's no longer with us, but yeah. Oh, she came in a wig. She was. Yeah, yeah, she did. She's no longer there, but yeah, I know. Okay. She got fired. I don't know if she fired some people like fire quit there. It's a weird. It's a small place. Here's one from Shannon. One year ago, the pizza was just okay. But more importantly, the female was extremely rude. I fell victim to a scam online to a website identified as Scalini's. And the manager continued to press me about the payment while I showed her the withdrawal from my bank. Bank account. Thank goodness for online banking. It says and stated that I was confused regarding payment. That was until a bar patron eating her pizza overheard the conversation. Helped by interceding in the conversation. Thanks to her, that's not the first time. Okay. Yep, that's a lot of typing. Let's get to the final line. Will not return. And I will spread the news due to the condescending attitudes there. That's plural. You know, I mean, it's a. But do you ever talk directly to the customers? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm. I'm. Do you think you have a little bit of an attitude. Sometimes not. I'm pretty good, actually. I, you know, I'm pretty decent. I don't get. I have a few on there, but nothing. The female. Was her name RJ? That's RJ's me, actually. Perfect. Oh, well, I got one for you. Leslie L. 1 year ago, Rude Manager RJ. That is the first line of this one star review. Let me read it again. Yeah, buddy. Rude manager RJ to this 30 year customer told me I abused a fellow child customer. A fellow child customer would mean that this is a child leaving a one star review. That's crazy. Do you already know what happened here? I know exactly that. Well, let's just wait. I'm gonna read the review and then we're gonna get your response to this. Let me read that second line again. Told me I abused a fellow child customer. I did no such thing. And know her name and age. And she and her parents and I all bonded. He said servers didn't feel comfortable serving me a third glass of wine. I was so confused since I was not drunk or obnoxious. When I went to the counter to ask him about it, my server said there was no problem whatsoever. But he accused me of abusing a customer. I was floored. I had no idea what he was talking about. The tiny kid and her parents and I bonded when I questioned rj. You're rj. When I questioned rj, because I didn't understand, he picked up the phone and called the cops. Or pretended to. I was so pissed that I told him to stick my leftovers up his fat ass. I did absolutely nothing wrong. But he treated me like I'm furious because I was treated unfairly. RJ is an ass. So break it down for us. Tell us what happened here, RJ. Okay, so number one, it's a very small restaurant, about 20 tables. It was a Friday night. Right in the front row. You got two six tops. Two six tops. But there are four tops and a two top. So sometimes it's a small family and like a single lady lady was sitting there. This is like a rich east Dallas neighborhood, professional drunks. So, like, people are sauce 24 7. So sometimes, you know, sometimes you don't. She was two glasses in deep. My server came over, who was a basically a teenager, a little bit 18. And she's like, I don't feel comfortable, blah, blah, blah. You need to go cut her off. I went to cut her off and at the end of the day, she was meowing with the kids. She was. She was meowing at the children. Like a cat. Like a cat. What's wrong with that Look. Okay, Red man. No, keep going. Stick with it. Stay in the pocket here. Notice in the use of the word bonded twice. She was a very creepy old lady. She was creeping out the four top. She was almost. She was definitely hammered. And I asked her to leave multiple times after explaining things before I picked up the phone and act like I was going to call the cops. You did a pretend phone call to the police? Yeah. Yeah. And what do you say on these pretend phone calls? Can you. Can we. Can we get it? It was a white woman. Like, as soon as I did it, she basically just fleed. Like, she's right. She got. She knew she was drunk. She knew. She knew she wasn't. She wasn't sober. Antonio, what do you think about this situation? This hilarious. This is absolutely hilarious. I agree completely. So let me ask you this, Busco. Why. Why do you go by RJ and your secret pizza job and Busco in comedy? So Busco is not my real name. RJ is my name. My actual name is Richard. I go by. I've gone by RJ all my life, Busco. I started for comedy just because I'm in real estate, so when people googled my name, they wouldn't find dick jokes and memes and I would have a chance to get their business. Do you think a lot of successful real estate agents moonlight at pizza joints? Well, I'm not your average successful real estate agent at the end of the day. And right now, a lot of real estate agents ain't doing shit number one, but. No, not at all. Honestly. I took the job with half of the fantasy that they'll sell the place to me because it needs to be sold. You got a uni. Brown male on your shirt. Do you have mayonnaise on your shirt? You trying to shout out your real estate crew? Oh, I'm not. Yeah, we're good. We'll be all right. I'm a discount realtor. I. I charge 1% so I don't have to put on a suit and act like I care. Busco, tell us more about your real life. Give us a fun fact about you before I get you out of here that we will find unbelievably interesting. The nickname comes from a guy who died from being struck by lightning. See, Busco is someone that you knew. No, he. Yes, he named me Busco when we were in eighth grade. Okay, and he was. He got killed by the lightning? Yes. When did that happen? In. I was in ninth grade. So. So he named you Busco. And then a year later he got struck by lightning and was killed. Yes, sir. Yeah. Wouldn't that be bad to go by the name that the guy struck by lightning? Nah, it was like, it's all in good fun. Now we're 20 years on. It's. It's all in good fun. Yeah, yeah. It's more of an homage to him giving me the name as a nickname. Like the last name. Jones was his last name. So. Busco Jones. Oh, boy, there he is. Busko. Okay, Busco, here's a little joke book. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Whoa. This is a. Not a lot of. This is a very interesting episode. Not a lot of book catches here tonight. Okay? All right. Right now, the Home Depot has spring deals under $20. So what are you working on? If you're planning on cooking out this season, head to the Home Depot so you can fire up the grill with deals on charcoal. Right now, get two 16 pound bags of Kingsford charcoal for only $17.88. Was $19.98. Don't miss spring deals under $20 now through May 7th at the home Depot. Subject to availability valid on select items only. Next bucket poll goes by the name, one word. Name. It is just one word. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for your next comedian, he goes by the. Oh, here he comes, everybody. His name is Will, everyone. His name is Will. What's up, guys? So there's this video I know a lot of people have seen. It's of this primitive African tribe trying Fanta for the first time. And it's like, it's crazy. Like they're trying to like open the bottle with their teeth, you know, eventually they cut it open with machete. They drink the soda and it like completely changes their life. Their eyes just light up, you know, like, they just completely change people from before they drink the soda and after, like, they give some to their elders, like, oh, please try this soda. This is amazing. You know, and I'm just like thinking to myself while I'm watching this video, like, this is incredible. I just, I hope they don't let them try the grape flavor because that's going to turn that village upside down. Yes, we no longer herd the goat animal. We grow a yellow five crop now. Yes, we worship the God of high fructose corn syrup. That shit is good, my nigga. So, whoa, wait a second. Where did you guys hear that word from? Is that a side effect of the soda? What was that? All right, appreciate it, guys. All right, Will, One word name. How Long you been doing standup, Will? Two months. Very good. Two months. That's a great answer. A lot of the people that did just as good as you have been doing it 10 years or more here tonight. So we're happy to hear that you've only been doing it two months. Where are you from? From here. From Austin. From Austin. Born and raised. Yes, absolutely. How old are you? 34. 34. What made you want to start standup comedy? Two months. Months ago. I hang a little. I hang out with a lot of comedians, so it was just kind of a smooth transition for me to just kind of like go, why do you. How did you end up hanging out with so many? Drug dealer. Oh, retired. Never, Never such a. Anyway, well, how did you end up hanging out with so many comedians? Drug dealer? No, I think just hanging out in Austin a lot. I mean, I've met a lot of guys from this scene, for sure. You know, I don't like to name drop. I don't even like that type of shit, so. But yeah, I know quite a few people. Okay. So, you know, yeah, it was cool for me to do and it was easy. I've been writing for a long time, so getting on stage was just something I kind of wanted to try. Next. Okay. What do you do for a living? I work kind of like a stagehand job at the Moody Center. Just like putting together like concerts and stuff like that. Lighting, audio, video. It's pretty cool. Get to meet a lot of people and stuff like that. So eye contact with Antonio Brown and I can't not laugh. I just noticed. I just realized. I thought it was a. Yeah, I just. Under the Civil War helmet. I did not notice. Ab. How dare you. That is not a Civil War helmet. That is a crash out bucket. I'm smack right now. Maybe he's an anxiety release. Hell yeah. It is true. A little fun. Fact is, I have seen only in the past. I don't know what he's been doing all day. I knew he. I know he flew in today for this. I have literally seen him drink about 12 white Russians since he arrived an hour ago. This is abs. Gearing up. Incredible joints and eating. Bailey turned up. Yeah, absolutely. We like it. We like you. You're gonna need that helmet later. Kill Tony. Hell yeah. We're living. We're living the dream, buddy. We are living the dream. Will. What. What are you into? What are some hobbies of yours? I'm pretty tall, so. Basketball. I know I look like a. Yeah, yeah. Okay. NBA creative player right here. Obviously that Was fun for a while, but now, like two months in, I'm trying to, like, do comedy, so that's obviously what I do most of nowadays, but you play basketball in real life? Real life, yeah. Yeah, in college I played for a little bit, so. Okay. Where'd you go to college? I got like a half ride scholarship in California, so. Half ride? Yeah. No, they didn't believe in me for a full ride scholarship. So we'll pay halfway and if you do all right, then we'll see how it goes, you know, so. Yeah, they took a gamble on me. It was fun. You have a girlfriend, Will? I don't. I don't. No. When's the last time you had a girlfriend? It's been a while. It's been a while. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Why? Why do you. Why? What's up with that? Looking for love in all the wrong places, guys. You got no. Antonio is asking you, do you have. No, I need the. I need the Pearl harbor helmet. And then I think I'll probably land something. That's what I'm missing. That's AP. I knew it was something. That's. That's AP's condom. Dude, condom on real quick. I need my protection. What do you mean you're pregnant? Take your break. What was that, Antonio? I believe in God, not in Trojans. That's right. That is yet another T shirt. We are just merch makers here today. Get your I believe in God, not in Trojans. Go to his Twitter @AB84 and the links will lead you there. He is. Is an absolute merch machine. A branding genius. I believe in God, not Trojans. Antonio, I really don't know. I'm genuinely curious. Do you. Do you have kids? I do. Okay. Dare I ask how many you have? Kids? Seven kids. Okay. How many baby mamas Football team starting is Will Shut the babies. Mama's babies. Four. Four different mama's babies. Okay, that's perfect. That's actually. Throw that P. Hell Mary wide open. Absolutely. And X Route y corduroy panther 26 blitzkrieg on three. On three. Yeah. Blue the eight flag on the play cream ping. Be a 15 yard penalty. I love it, Will. So when's the last time you had sex with a woman? Maybe. Maybe even. Maybe even just a half ride. Didn't have to be a full ride. Maybe just a half ride. Last time I got a full ride was definitely before I started doing comedy. Once I started hopping in two months. So probably like two months. I'll say. Like two months for sure. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And how did that go for you? I think I touched. I think I got a touchdown. For sure. I think I got. Okay. Do a lot of girls push? Do a lot of girls flirt with you? Okay, we got it. We got it. Tommy, you don't. You don't have to explain. There I go. That was good. I would say. Yeah. Then I started talking and then it ruins it. So, you know, you get nervous around girls. Not too much, to be honest. Not too much. It's just I end up saying some crazy shit. And then I would think that you would do really well with women since you look like all the members of the Black Eyed Peas combined. But then here it is. It turns out he opens his mouth and gets you in trouble. Well, Will, any other fun facts about you that we should know about before letting you go? I have to go with. Did you hear that noise? Oh, let me think. Oh, skinny, black, fat, ain't getting up from a recliner. Fun facts about me, Batman. Where do I begin? For your half ride will be your last ride. That's fair. I'm gonna have to go with. My granddad just died. He was like 93 and he had like a 40 year old girlfriend when he died, so. RIP Grandpa. Hell yeah. How did he die? He was. He just got old age. Just kind of. It was about that time, so. Yeah. No, he was killing it though. He's killing it. You ever think about banging his ex girlfriend? You ever think about throwing on a crash out bucket helmet and just. Yeah, so, you know, I didn't. I didn't. You know, honestly, it's like, hey, look, from. From a football helmet to a Civil War reenactment helmet. My guy is still. Hey, the CTA, you know, he's still holding down my guy. CTEspn. Shout out the will. That's right. Shout out the will. Here you go. A lot of people haven't been catching these joke books tonight. I expect you, for many reasons, to be able to catch this. Are you ready? It was a short throw. We got it. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Will, everybody. There goes Will. All right, let's do one more bucket pull before we get to him and then we'll keep it going. Ladies and gentlemen, another bucket pool. Nate. All right, that's literally just did nothing there. That was nothing. She lifted it up and sat it back down. It's incredible. Yeah. We love her. We love Heidi. America loves Heidi. Everyone loves Heidi. Make some noise for your next bucket pole. It is Nate Lorette, everyone. Nate, Lorette. Hey, hey. I'm from Oklahoma, which is just here, but worse. Not good. Very, very religious state. But somehow we also legalized weed a few years back. Yeah. Only state that I've ever seen a dispensary advertised with Bible verses. I remember there was this one ad on the radio. I'll recreate it for you guys. It started out, it was like, aha, Lord, you are the most high. Mm. Mm. Amen. Buy one, get one free at Jebediah's burning bush all week long. Can't spell salvation without sativa spelling. Joke. Sometimes when I say that I'm from Oklahoma, I'll get these people making really racist jokes towards native Americans at me. They let like, oklahoma. What'd you learn in high school? Bertols? Gambling. Hardy rr. Boom. All the way to the limits. Nate Lorette with his Kill Tony debut. Welcome, Nate. Wow. Big bird call audience. We got here tonight. Hi, Nate. How old are you? 25. 25. How long you been doing standup? Two. Coming up on three years. Three years. All of it in Oklahoma, or do you live here now? Oh, I've been here for like a year, and then I started in Wisconsin. I've never done standup in Oklahoma. You went to college in Wisconsin? No, I went to college in Kansas. Okay. Started in Oklahoma, went to college in Kansas. What took you to Wisconsin? It was like my first job out of college. What was that? I did medical software. Okay. What do you do now? I do door dash on a bike. Wow, Mama, we made it. Yeah. Dreams. Don't let your dreams be dreams. Hell yeah. What kind of money are you making? Weekly on doordash? Yeah, you know, like a hundred bucks. Sometimes like 400. And then I'll just get really high and be like, nah, I'm gonna give myself a day off. I. That makes sense. I earned it. Yeah. I hate it when I order food and it turns out that it's on a bicycle. You see that little bicycle icon pull up and you realize that you hit the unlucky lottery that your food is going to be cold spilled. So many coffees. Yeah. Yeah. Don't ever order coffee from a bike guy. Well, we don't get to choose. I really wish you have no, double the tip. It's not like, oh, this guy's got a Corvette. Like, he's going to get there really fast. No, no. Okay. We wish that there was a part of the app where you could shut off the possibility of bicycles. Do you ever order doordash? No. What a horrible no. It's. I don't. I honestly, every Day that I get an order, I'm like another sucker every minute. It's just. What a horrible business thing. I want to pay 40 bucks. Bucks for medium fry in the sprite at McDonald's. Wow. Okay. What are you gonna do for work now? Motorcycle? Yes. Bike doordash. I love it. What do you do for fun? You're a 25 year old. You're young and sprite. We've had a lot of beat up older people on this show today. We had. We had boosco on who's. Who's a. Who's a 1% real estate agent that moonlights at a pizza joint. Point. You seem like you have all your life ahead of you, like a young Eminem type of character here. You seem like you're young and sprite, like you have a lot on your mind. Fully operational. You're not. You're not out of Adderall like some other bucket pulls tonight. You're fully operational. Nah, stone cold sober. Okay. Except for all the weed I just did. Whoa. You Oklahoma rebel. All right. Anchor, my friend, right? I wish we could just have Antonio Brown, like perhaps like every episode, just like in your own, like, section up there, just smoking blunts, drinking white russians, and jumping in anytime you want. Just know you're always welcome here. Antonio Brown. I love it. I love it. This guy's unbelievable. That's so good. They say never. Never. They say never meet your heroes from Twitter, but Antonio Brown is the absolute man. So tell us, tell us more about you. You're 25. Tell us about what's going on in the life of a 25 year old. This one time, I refereed a midget wrestling match. That was pretty cool. How do you get a gig like that? It was just like on the website, like tickets. $10, $200. You get to be in there with them. Oh, my God. And you took two weeks of DoorDash pay and you're like, I'm in. Two weeks is pretty generous. Yeah, it was. It was an investment. I financed it. Klarna Shout out. Great reference. I believe that is the first Klarna reference in the history of kill Tony. Amazing. Amazing. I get it. Making payments. Are you still making payments on your wrestling referee? Nah, all paid up on that one. Hell yeah. I financed the buy though, actually. Like, I did do that one and I got that paid off like last month. Yeah, Nate, the people are loving this. People are loving the unbelievable payment process of Nate. Lorette, tell us one more fun fact about you. Anything else crazy. What are your parents like? You Seem like a something. It's a good way of putting it. Yeah. My mom, she's a speech therapist, and all I've ever gotten out of that was that she told me when I was young, she thought that I might be autistic. And so I'm wondering, like, oh, if she didn't do that, would I just be, like, non verbal? It's just an autistic thing to say. Huh? You haven't looked at us in the eyes at all. Or now. Yes, I'm bad. He's looking at the camera the whole time. I'm trying. Well, that's the way the more people give him a restaurant to. Yeah. Can you say tondo ramen to that camera? Tonda ramen. What's crazy is he had no idea that. Can say Yasuda. He was not in the room. He has no idea that he pointed at that camera. Camera every time. Yet meanwhile, I don't think you can say tondo ramen without pointing exactly at a camera that isn't. We're figuring something out here today. This is incredible. Nate, what are. What's your big goal here? You're a couple months in. You're in or. I mean, you're three years into comedy. You've been here for a year, you're door dashing. Yeah. What's a goal? Making it happen. What's a goal of yours? I don't know. I mean, just kind of having fun for now. Perfect. If I, like, didn't have to do doordash on a bike, that'd be sick. So, like, once we can make, like, 20 more bucks a month, I think I'm there. Okie dokie. This these goals brought to you by marijuana, everybody. All right, well, congratulations, Nate. You're getting a big joke book. Hey, let's go. There he goes, Nate. Lorette, everybody. There goes Nate, everyone. There he goes. Go ahead, Nate. There he goes. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is, without a doubt one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. He is here. He is live in the flesh. This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Matti. Yo, yo. Happy Easter. I love how religious Americans are on God. Estonia is one of the most atheist countries in the world. You ask an Estonian, do you believe in a higher power? We're like, I don't even believe in myself, dude. You tell us there's an afterlife, we're like, fuck, there's more. Can I just fuck, fucking die. I went on a date with, like, a religious girl here. She's Catholic. And then after the day we go to her place and she's like, don't worry, we can still do anal. I love how religious chicks treat their asshole like an offshore account in the Bahamas. It's outside the jurisdiction. I love how she thinks she's gonna get to the pearly gates. God is gonna be like, what the fuck? And she's like, you never said. And God's gotta be like, ah, get in here, you little slut. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Boom. Another minute 30. Brand new for Ari. Mattie, we've missed you. Ari. You were in Estonia for a while. Now you're back. I went to see my kingdom. That is right. You are the king of Estonia. A fun fact. Kill Tony. I believe Touch number one in America for a quick bit. We had a. We had a. On Netflix. We had a. Well, we had a. A very, very interesting time of our release. It came amongst the third most watched episode of Raw. WWE Raw of the year. As they led up to Wrestlemania. There was a new season of Black Mirror, a new season of Love on the spectrum. It was. It was a very amazing week to come out. We touched one for a second. We were number one in. In Canada for a couple few days and we were number one of all places in est. I think we're still number one in Estonia. Number one, baby. It is unbelievable. You are, Tony. You come to Estonia, you can do a 160 seater. Yeah, it really. You can sell out. It really seems like, what is the population of Estonia? Ballpark? It's like 1.4 million. But let's be honest, you know, there's a lot of filth out there. You know, okay. It's like 60,000 actual online people. I mean, there's a lot of people in America too, but I mean, how many of the people in Estonia look or act at all like Antonio Brown here? Dude, I'd love to see you walk around with that helmet in Estonia. They're like, who the fuck is attacking us now? Holy shit. Jesus Christ. These guys are explosive. We are the women head. Redban has literally taken the time to look up the black population of Estonia. And Google's first sentence is the black population in Estonia is small, comprising a fraction of the total population. According to a 2011 census, 414 people, or.0315%, had at least. Hold on. Had it. At least one parent that is African, which means that's even your mixed kids and everything. 414. And I want to clarify, that was in 2011, right? We got him out. Black dick. Happy birthday, Hitler. What do you. What do you think about this place, Antonio Brown? The. The. The country of Estonia? What do you think about them only having 414? That includes mixed people. Does this sound like a fun place for you to visit? Are you interested at all in visiting Estonia? Yeah, I want to check it out. You're gonna. Every woman there. We want to. Hell yeah. He's. I think he can single handedly change the percentage of African Americans. Of African American. What I. Antonio, you. You're drinking White Russians. Yes, yes, yes, yes. You ever have a white Russian with titty milk? Titty milk? Yeah, you know, when the baby's born, you know, they put them on the titties. You. You know, that cord can come out too. Malnutrition. There's a lot to digest there. You said titty milk. He said when the babies are born, that's what they drink. Like perhaps that's a fun fact that we've never heard of before, right? Titty titties. Have you had a white Russian with titty milgari, Matty? Yes. Really? Tell us about this. I was partying on a boat with Russians and then they want to. We were making white Russians. We only had the liquor ran out of the milk. Milk. And then one of the relaxating. Wow. Look, look, look, look. Fresh. How was it? Was it good? I gotta say, titty milk is delish, dude. Have you ever drank titty milk before, Antonio Brown? It's called Kalashkum. Now that. What's crazy is I was making fun of you before for not for. For stating something that was obvious. And now look at you now. You're like the doctor of titty milk. You are like a. A. So. Well, well, well. It's another episode of Antonio Brown sipping titty milk. The master of titty milk, Antonio Brown. I love it. Have you ever thought about having a white Russian with chocolate milk? Having a black Russian? Black. I've never seen a black Russian. No, no one has. And no one a black Estonian either. Ari, Maddie, you are the man. We love you. A real life rock star, live in the flesh. The man, the myth, the legend. Ari, Matty, everybody. And we move on to our next and second to last bucket pool. Make some noise for Mike. Love, Mike. Love, everyone. Well, you know, some people are addicted to porn. Yeah, it's true. I'm addicted to Tinder. You know, it's like I always swipe right for everybody because it's a numbers game kind of like Russian roulette. Well, if they're Russian, I swipe left. Cause I Don't fuck white bitches. But no, seriously, though, like, I have bad luck dating. Don't know why. So, like, every time I'm on Tinder, I send the same message, right? Like, hey, my name is Mike Love. I like long walks on the beach. I like to go dancing. Ultimately, I'm looking for someone to kick it with. I thought it was a good message. One girl responded, you're an asshole. You're not funny. I'm like, what did I say? Then I found out she was in a wheelchair. Let's run that back. Long walks, dancing. Someone I could kick it with. Yeah, good thing I didn't tell her I was into stand up, you know? But no, seriously, I recently just seen that she was, like, dating somebody. And the funny thing is, right, he's beating on her, but she's rolling with the punches. All right, y'all. Thank you. Yeah, Michael up. So how'd that go? Was that real? Any of that real? I'm really addicted to Tinder, man. Yeah, but no, not a chick in a wheelchair. I did date a blind girl once. Ooh, tell us more about that. She had four kids. She couldn't tell who the dad was. Was. Wow. That was kind of funny. That should be. Do you talk about that in your stand up? Every once in a while. Especially the kids. They're bad. As her youngest son, right? He always just, like, knocks it over, break, and then I run away, and he's like, don't say. You know. He's like, what was that? You know, I actually stole her tv, but she wasn't watching it. She wasn't even watching it. You know what I'm saying? Wonder why we don't check some. Dude. Yeah, man. Wow. Yeah. What made you steal her tv? No, see, what happened was. Right my. Now, wait, wait, wait, wait. What happened was. See, what happened was. Look here. I didn't really steal it, right? Cause, like, see, all right, I got a new tv, right? But then I took her TV and put it in the box and then returned it. And, yeah, I'm a piece of shit. Wow. So you ordered the same TV that she had. That's nice. I'm like, you know, she ain't watching it. And then I got mine, but mine was broken. And I'm like, all right, let me take hers and then return the broken one. It was. It made sense to me in the moment, but now I'm like, yeah, wow. Mike, how long you been doing standup? Since the pandemic. It's about going on five years. Okay. And what do you do for work? Work only. Fans. No, seriously. I have a content creation company called 143 Media and I am also a consultant for AT&T. Sierra consultant for AT&T. Yeah. That was a long way to get there. I was just trying to plug my. We don't know about yet. Just AT and T. Okay, yeah. All right. And this content creation, what exactly are you doing? All right, so I meet up with small businesses and I find like other comedians or people that have high viewers and I match them together kind of like, you know, like hinge for like businesses and social media, content creators and like make sure they get paid and then they help them get more. All right. Clientele. Mike, where are you from? I am from Rochester, New York, but I'm currently living in San Antonio. You live in San Antonio? San Antonio right now, yeah. What made you move to San Antonio, man? Just comedy. I want to be close to here, but I'm also military veterans and there's a lot of bases in San Antonio. Oh, nice. So it just kind of made sense. Okay. What did you do in the military? Oh, man, I was in the Air Force and Yeah, I was only there a few months though. Sunlight? Hell yeah. What did you do in the Air Force? Just identify aircraft. You flew aircraft? No, identify. Identified. Identified. Identified. Like. Oh, that's a plane. Yeah, absolutely. I seen. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah, right. Identified if there was friend or foe, worked with Bradley, Ms. Or worked with Bradley. Tanks, used Stinger missiles and knock down foes and like that. But I never really did it, only in a simulator. How many people you kill? I don't want to talk about that. Antonio Brown with a great before or after Top Gun Maverick. How many people have you killed? Michael Club. I can't talk about that, man. Cuz after the military I went to prison, so suck it up. Oh, no. Oh, oh. All right, stereotypes. A black guy went to jail. Yeah, yeah, let's talk about that. What did you go to jail for? I can't talk about that cuz a lot of my employers don't know, but fraud. Okay, yeah. What the hel. No, the guy that stole the blind lady's television. Yeah, get him a crash out bucket. Yeah, man, A lot of you can't tell, but D Madness has been muttering angry things back here ever since he found out that this guy stole a blind woman's television. Oh yeah, that's funny. Yeah, he's pissed. He just took his earpiece out. He's never even done that before before. So he's Basically senseless right now. It's not like he's going to see me later on and do something about it. Whoa. D what do you. D what do you want to. What do you want to. I'm only five foot three and I'm white. D if what do you think about this piece of stealing blind women's televisions? D Madness. Well, I have a brand new cane. I hope I don't have to like use it later. All right. Like blindfolded pinata. Okay. Surgical with that. Okay. D Madness. Would you up Mike Love? I don't know why, but I believe him. Yes. I got nothing but love for the disabled community or handicapable. Wow. But you don't. You stole her television. Nah, I was doing her a favor. She wasn't watching it. Stop it. He is digging himself a deeper hole. Oh, yeah. All right, Mike Love, what's a redeeming quality about you that'll make everyone like you have a redeeming quality about me? I am an active father. Three kids. Wow. They love me sometimes. What else? What else? What else? I actually work for a charity. What charity? It's called the Parker Project. Okay, this sounds like a made up scam. No, no, no. You know what? I'm not even going to talk about that one. To be like, like. No, don't say that. We're not associated with you. Okay, what is the. What is it? What is this? The Parker Project. Parker project actually helps the families with kids with cancer. Helps raise money for taking care of the household. Things like this does not sound real. It's legit. It's legit. It's legit. It's legit. It's legit. Here's a little joke book. Mike Love, everybody. There he goes. Congratulations, Mike Love. You will forever be remembered as the guy that stole a blind woman's television from charities. Also. Yeah, fake charity. We're going to look up Parker Project and read its one star reviews here in a second. All right, we realized that we have not had a female comedian pulled out of the bucket all night tonight. So I pulled until I found one. This looks like a very fun name. Make some noise for Andre from Russia, everybody. Andrey from Russia. Oh, okie dokie. All right, looks like I up. It's okay. I guess it's Andre spelled with a Y. One more time. Andre, perhaps from Russia. I'm not gay, but I do yoga sometimes. Because back home in Russia you need to explain these kind of hobbies. It's very homophobic place. You know, you wash your hands twice a day. Gay. You cut your hair twice a year. Gay. You went to Thailand and rented Ladyboy for two weeks. Well, package was cheaper. Okay? And cheaper than a real woman, too. Congratulations, guys. America is great again. You feel it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No genders, no immigrants, no abortions. Feels like Mother Russia, I think. I think you guys can change the name from USA to ussa. That's it for me. Thank you. Wow, Andre from Russia. Yep. You're really from Russia, huh? Yes. How long have you lived in America? Six weeks now. Okay, so how old are you? 33 this summer. 33. Okay, very good. And so you live in Russia full time? You're just visiting for a while? Yeah, yeah, I'm visiting. I actually live in Asia for last eight years. Where in Asia? First when I left, I lived in China, then Indonesia, and last couple years it's all over the place. Thailand, Malaysia. Yeah, I could tell when you said all over the place that it's Thailand. No doubt about it. You're having a good time over there. Yep. Yep. Because from behind, it's all the same name. You don't see. That's right. Speaking of White Russians, let's check in with 14 deep here, Antonio Brown. Have you ever been to Russia, Antonio? I never been to Russia. There is nothing you can say that isn't hilarious. You're in Russia right now, dude. You're gone, boy. Okay. Right to the movie theaters. That's exactly what I was going to say. Someone take me home. What do you do for work? I do a bit of crypto and a bit of affiliate marketing. Okay. Crypto and affiliate market, of course. What's the second part? Affiliate marketing is like, you sell links, whatever, and get commissions. Another scam artist. This is great. Absolutely incredible. People and scam artists. We get well with black people. So you do. Is that true? Yeah. You've seen someone where you're from that looks like Antonio Brown? We have a whole university with a program and. But they're not African American. They're like African. African what? Wait, hold on a second. Hold on. What do you mean there's a whole university? What exactly are they teaching these people? He got a program. He called it a program. That's insane. You called it a program? It's 2025. You're in America. You can't be calling programs. I'm learning. Okay? Okay. So what goes on at this program? So the university has the highest amount of black people there. And it's called Russian University of International Friendship. Of International Friendship, yeah. Holy shit. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wow. And where Is this where. What is that? In Moscow? Yeah, that's in Moscow. Of course, they wouldn't survive anywhere else, right? That is just. He's just being honest there. Yeah, just being honest. Do you. Have you ever been to this university or driven by it or seen it? Do you know anything about it? Do people go around there? What's it like? It's. Just tell the truth. Okay. It's a lot of not stylish black people. It's. What do you mean by that? What do you mean by not stylish? Okay. For me, as Russian, there are black people on television. They're stylish and they're black people from university. They're not. Yeah, when you say they're not, you mean they're just wearing, like, normal clothes, like flannels? No, no chains. No chains. Are you gonna take that? You gonna take that? Ap. That is one of very Russian. Russian popular rapper. His name is no Chains. I. I meant golden chains. Guys, I. I didn't even think about any other. No, hey, no. No one else was thinking about that either. By the way, you just had your own little breakthrough. I was not even thinking about slavery. Sir, sir. Need a crash out buck. Ah, he does need a crash out bucket. But for now, you're going to settle for a big joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. We're moving along. Thank you, guys. Through it. There you go. Andre from Russia. I found what has to be our real first female comedian of the night. And your final bucket. Pole of the night. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for anime. Anime. Sup, y'all? My name's Anna and I live in a van. Some people ask me what van life is like, and I just tell them it's a lot to unpack. Some people are mad at me for living in a van, and I'm like, that's crazy, because I'm a nomad. I'm nomad at you for living in a house. And some people think I'm a hippie because I live in a van and I'm kind of a hippie because I don't shave my armpits. I was free bleeding out of Planet Fitness this week. And I use essential oils for everything from insect repellent to chlamydia. But I'm a bad hippie. I'm not really a hippie because I drive a Diesel. I love a good steak, and I have my license to carry, but I only got it to prove to the cops in my hometown that I wasn't mentally ill. Pew, pew, Got him. But dating's hard on the road because every time I invite a guy over, it feels like an abduction. I'm not really into kidnap role play. And that's all I got for you guys. That's exactly 60 seconds from anime. All right. Okay. All right. How long you been doing stand up anime? About six years. Six years. Where at exactly? All over the country. Well, you do live in a van. That makes sense. I'm a nationally touring community comedian. Of course. I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. How do you make money? What exactly do you do to make money? I'm an artist, so I sell art and candles and I've done a lot of different things on the road for money. Like what? What is something you've done for money on the road? This is a very good. I know. A compelling part of this show. I know I sometimes present as a truck stop hooker, but I'm not one of those. I work for a contracted app. It's like called Wonolo. So I've cleaned hotels. I've. Yeah. What do you mean? You've heard of Wonolo? Yeah. What is that? We don't know what that is. It's an app where you can pick up work wherever you are. And it's like. Yeah, it's like in, call out, call, get, warehouse jobs. Oh, so it's like just road jobs? Nothing steady? No, nothing. Nothing. Actually. Prostitutes? No, I just hustle. I just hustle. You hustle? Okay. What are. What's your least favorite job you've ever done off of the. That app? The hotel cleaning one. The extended. Extended. Say America is cleaning those. They're rough. Oh, yeah, they are rough. That is not a job for white people. We. We are not built for that. Anybody groaning? You clearly haven't stayed at an extended stay America. It's a special, special type of place. Sometimes they let you stay there if you work there. And I'm like, I'm all set. I'll stay in the van. Yeah, exactly. It is crazy. There's been a couple times where, yeah, you're out there on the road and there's not much else. Doing the small clubs on the suburbs. Anna, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened living in a van? Give us a real gritty and Antonio, the craziest thing. I've never gotten a knock on my van before, but I got a knock on my van in a Walmart parking lot after I masturbated in the parking lot. And I was like. It was like 2pm too. It was Like I wasn't even like parking overnight or anything. And the Walmart parking lot security was like, you've been here for too long. Long. And I was like, what do you mean I've been here for too long? I've been here for 20 minutes because that's how long the porno I watched was. You were watching a porno in the van? If you park close enough to Walmart, you get the WI fi. Oh my goodness. Hold on, hold on. Wow. You. You jerked off for 20 minutes? Yes. That's insane. Yeah, that is. That's the craziest part of everything you said. Yeah. Beaten off for 20 minutes is ridiculous. Was that you scroll the thumbnails. 30 seconds. 30 seconds in and out. I. It's. It had been a while, so I wanted to take my time. Candles and not in the van. There's propane in there and you can't have candles. There's propane. Leaking this all high as diddling for wasn't the only thing that was leaking minutes in a parking lot of the security came up. Dude, that's insane. You know you're nuts, right? So. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Not because of all the other shit. Jerking off for 20 minutes is fucking nuts. I'm sorry. Happy birthday. What kind of porn were you watching in the Walmart parking lot? Don't worry about it. What? It's okay. It doesn't matter. I don't remember. What kind of porn do you like to watch? Well, does it look. Does every thumbnail look like Antonio Brown? It. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Okay. I don't wanna. I, I know you are. I don't want to pressure you. I don't want to pressure you because Lord knows you are looking for a lawsuit. So anything else interesting about your life before I let you go? Well, I was just gonna say that I was upset that the parking lot security knocked on my van window. And so I went into the Walmart. Cause he was like, you didn't even go shopping. And I was like, I'm gonna go shopping right now. And I walked in there and I bought water and cigarettes. Cause that's what you buy after you come. And I took it a step further. Cause I was real pissed. I was like, I was honoring my fucking divine feminine energy and shit. And I got harassed by this parking lot lot security. And I went to customer service and I was like, your parking lot security is harassing paying customers. And then I was like, I'm never going to come here again. Boom. There you go. Anime. Here's a little joke book. I'm going to toss it to you. Nice. I went a little short there as to avoid hitting her with a joke book. For those of you keeping track of my avoid avoiding a lawsuit with Anna May, who literally came here to sue somebody. Sometimes people sign up just to try to sue you. Okie dokie. All right. Okay, one more time for Heidi, everybody. Isn't she lovely? We've come to the part of the show. This is it, the grand finale. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man with the record for all time appearances, all time interviews, all time everything. He is a kil. Tony hall of Famer, originally from Memphis, Tennessee. Now he is the ambassador to Austin. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Pope of piracy, the king of cannon conundrums. The Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Carmelo Anthony has had quite the month of April. I mean, first he's inducted into the basketball hall of Fame, and then he travels to a high school track meet and kill someone. He claimed self defense, which would be the first time Carmelo Anthony attempted defense. Everybody gives Santa all the props, but what about the Easter bunny? He has to hop, hop, hop his ass to every Christian household in America. Santa's fat ass rides in a chariot, eating cookies and drinking milk. Meanwhile, the bunny is a one man band and all we leave him is nothing but. Oh, and by the way, Jesus died and rose from the dead, so have some respect. The. The Pope died yesterday. And it's kind of weird because he died the day after J.D. vance came to see him. I mean, it would make a lot more sense if it had been Hillary Clinton. But who had been the last aspirin to see him alive but JD Vance? And by the way, I heard after he died they scheduled a meeting of the Cardinals. And I had no idea the Pope had played professional baseball. Okay, that's my time. Tony. Wow. My God. You would think that the man that has done it the most would come in and just cruise by leaning on his laurels, but not at all. Boom, boom, boom. Tonight, Tony. I'm at 94 miles on the row machine already this month. Tony. Wow. 90400 miles since January. Tony. Wow. I'm going across the Atlantic this year. Wow. You will row 500 miles and you will row 500 more to be the man that row goes 500 miles and rose down at your door. All right. Okay. That was incredible. Very topical. Carmelo Anthony, the Pope, Easter, you covered it all. I mean, covering it, dude. You are dialed in. Let me ask you something, William. You are one of the most interesting creatures in not only in the history of the show, but I think in this modern era of comedy. And you are always so entertaining to watch, interact with guests. And my friend, we have a very special treat. This is Antonio. Oh, Antonio Brown. It's so nice to see. What are you smoking there? Is that a blunt? That's the anchor. Cannabis. Yep. Stayanchor. Com. Can I hit your blunt with you, Antonio? Hit the Z. And also Antonio. Tony might remember this. Red band might remember this, but it's so weird. White Russians were actually my favorite drink. I'm almost at four years sober here very soon, but, Antonio, maybe tonight, would you give me a little sip of your drink? Yeah. Taste that. Thank you. Don't, William, don't. William, don't. Don't. Antonio, you failed the test, man. It's been almost four years sober. You can't do it. They can't. Holy, man. You were going to let me drink your white Russian, which I appreciate, but. Yeah, be a nightmare. Antonio, it's been almost four years, man. I was about to kill myself. He was. William can't have a drink. Funny. William can't have a drink without. Are you getting that? Is someone. Are you. Please tell me you're getting that Antonio Brown laugh. Do you have it? You. You'll get it. Well, get it. You mean you will get it. William's up. You get it, Antonio. Give me one test. You got it. Do that one more time. Do that little laugh for us. Us. Did you get it? Let's try it. Hit it. Oh, well. Antonio White Russia. Antonio White fact. Do you have any questions for one of the greatest wide receivers, football players of all time? William. William is a sports fanatic and the legend of the show. Show what? How. How'd you fit? How. When did. How old were you when you figured out you could catch a football real good? I mean, that's a great question. That is a great. Because it could be hard to catch footballs. I remember my hands were so small growing up, I couldn't catch the football when my dad would throw it to me, my hand. I had really small hands, Antonio. Yeah, he has famously tiny hands. Yeah, I have these tiny little hands. I don't even like showing them to people. There we go. We got it. I love it. Antonio, did you always play football when you. You were in high school and grade school and everything, right? You always played football. That's right. Football. You know, football ball. Football ball. Where do you think you get your hilarious sense of humor from ball football. That is the correct answer. That is. That is straight cte. A fun fact is that a lot of the best comedians of all time, Roseanne Barr, Sam Kenison, Richard Pryor, Fire. All had extreme brain trauma. A little fun fact. This is an actual fact. Roseanne wasn't hilarious until she got hit by a car. Same with Sam Kinison. I do believe he was hit by a car or something crazy like that. You're in good company, Antonio. There are no coincidences here. I used to do pro wrestling. We would jump off of trampolines and literally land on my head all the time. I'm, you know, a perfect example. Red Band never hit his head on anything. That's why you could tell I always open the freezer right in my face sometimes. And Antonio, people, not a lot of people know this, but Red Band's mom and I, who's kind of elderly now, we have sex with each other. What do you think about that, Antonio? He's got like this old ass mom and we each other whenever I'm in Ohio. Wait, what is that? I. I got you a present. Oh, Red Band got you a present. What is that? Really? What is that? Open it up. Williams. Snuffle up again. I'm going through this weird Snuffleupagus phase right now, Tony. And this is perfect, Rabbi and thank you. That's adorable. Welcome. I regret telling Antonio about your mom and I. Seriously, I really do. You had to gave me a present tonight. Wow, that is. That is adorable. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. Wow. Take your mom, Antonio. Would you ever be willing to travel with me up to Ohio to have sex with Red Band's mom? Seriously? That would be great. Like maybe that's when I start drinking again. We could maybe do a sex tape or something with his mom. Would you be open maybe? That sounds like a yes to me. I'll pass on that. Normally he catches, but tonight he passes. William, what else? Oh, you don't want to know, Tony. Oh, boy. That's a first. I've never gotten that response. Do you remember the. It's the little toy. They have little pieces. Legos. Yes. Well, I have been looking on ebay and I've been finding all of my classic Lego sets that I've had and I've spent over the past, I think, month, all this rowing, the endorphins are flowing. I've spent over $15,000, Tony, on old Lego sets. They're all unopened. And what are you gonna Do I kind of regret bringing it up, Tony? I don't really. No. I like this. I like it. I like it. $15,000 in unopened Lego sets. Are you gonna play with them? Yeah, I think we're gonna open them up. And, Antonio, this is what happens, man. I come up here and I just start bombing and it's just like, turns into this nightmare. Like, it was fun at the beginning, and now it's like I'm bombing up here right now, and I've snuff aagus under my arm. I feel like I'm looking like an idiot in front of your ass. You're saying you don't want to Redban's mom with me? I can't believe you wouldn't be willing for any of this. Dude, you are so sick. You can tell him anything. Dude, he's wearing a military helmet. He said 17 joints. Let it out. Let him know what you feel. Guilty. No shot. He's remembering where he was. Antonio, I love you, man. I love you, bro. Seriously. Give me a hug, bro. Yeah. Antonio Brown and the big red machine that is together they are the big brown machine. Make some noise for the great William Montgomery Memory, ladies and gentlemen. And make some noise for the great Antonio Brown at ab84crashoutbuckets.com over it. Over its party. That's. That's. Is that your. What is that, Antonio? What's the. Over its party. What did I. What did I write? The song is called Over It. Oh, Over It. On Spotify. That's what I scribbled here. Over it is on Spotify. Antonio has a song. Song. And go listen to it. It's on Spotify now. It's called Over It. I didn't even know you did music, but I bet it's the kill, Tony. You're damn right, baby. We're doing it. Living the dream. Please follow him on Twitter, but I'm sure you already are at AB84. I swear to God, it's the funniest. He calls everybody gay and it is hilarious. That's right. That's right. Cracker Awards. The Cracker Awards. We are hoping to one day win the Cracker award for live podcast of the year. There's really no other competition, so we're hoping we'll get it this year at the awards. We're literally fingers crossed. How about one more time for the great Tommy Pope, everybody. Tommy Tires, Season 2, June 5 Look at DISH on YouTube and Stuff Island. Available everywhere where podcasts are available. Thank you. To talk Space Shopify via and built. This was their episode. Peterson academy.com One more time for the great Jordan Peterson, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. It is awesome. The drawing from Chris Rogers tonight is me. Well, that's a good one. Me. Look at my eyes. And that. I'd be wearing sunglasses in that, too. Can we draw some sunglasses on those eyes? God, that actually. All right. I love it. Check out the Sunset Strip. Atx.com I love you guys. We love you guys so much. God bless America. We did it again. We'll see you next week. We love you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sa.