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Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rapid. Coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Thanks. The Norther Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in the land yet again. Make some noise for Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Nachos Belgrande, Huevos rancheros. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen, the great mortician, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. Tonight, John Dees on the keys. And live in the flesh. This is indeed D madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, lordy, here we are. Another beautiful Monday in Austin, Texas. This is the number one comedy show now in the world. Brought to you by ExpressVPN via and Incogni. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Bluechew. Guys, be ready when she needs to get your first month of Bluechew free. Great sex is a few clicks away, so sign up@bluechew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. Bluetooth tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door. The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, no waiting in line in the pharmacy. Tony, guess what? I love Bluechew. They provide. They're providing the best ed treatment out there, hands down. So make life easier by getting harder. Discover your options@bluechew.com we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Bluetooth free. When you use promo code Tony. Just pay five dollar shipping. That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know, the moment you're binge watching different things, realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery. Though let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also Amazon music to Vibe to and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band Whether streaming a standup special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.com Prime Savor every last drop of summer with Starbucks. From bold refreshers to rich cold brews, the sunniest season only gets better with a handcrafted ice beverage in your hand. Available for a limited. Your summer favorites are ready at Starbucks. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Every single week, I book one or two of the best comedians in the world. This is a two comedian panel tonight. Two of who I believe are truly two of the best comedians working today. Monsters. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Iannis Pappas and Brian Simpson. Oh, yeah. Let's fucking go. Giannis Pappas, his new YouTube special property owner. Out now on the History Hyenas YouTube and Brian Simpson has live from the mothership on Netflix shot here. Here we are. Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome back, boys. How are you guys? Good, good. Things have been good. Good to see you again. We're gonna have some fun tonight. You're just as red as I remember. That's me. That's me. Filled with testosterone. Hot yoga. I smell sauna. Before this, I basically do everything to be as red as possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red man takes the opposite approach. He's a beautiful gray tonight. A stunning gray. He sits on his couch and does Virtual reality until 6 in the morning. The night before, he's lacking sleep and vitamins. His hat is covered in cat hair. You probably can't see that he's a disgusting pig. But I'm red. You are correct. I'm red. Brian Simpson, welcome back to the show. Yeah, man, that's awesome. I'm always higher than I planned on being. It is unbelievable. You look so high. I've never seen a black Asian man before. But those eyes are closed, buddy. My goodness gracious. I'm having a good time. I love it. You and D madness. Look like two different generations of absolutely blind people. It's incredible. 225 human being signed up for this show tonight. Anything can happen. They're all piled into a bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview and we find out more about them. Maybe more about their crazy lives, what they could talk about on stage, or just an overall interesting interview. I'm gonna go with this Peanut M and M right here. I'm gonna let him pick the first name Peanut M and M with sunglasses on the top of his head just to fucking be cool, you know what I mean? Cause the sun's already down, dude. Maybe it comes back out tonight, dude. Fucking. I'll just keep these right here, just in case. Good old yellow Eminem, one of my favorites. While we go wrangle that comedian from next door, we have a golden ticket winner who's gonna get the show started with a brand new 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise. You know Em, you love them. This is David Jolly, everybody. Here we. How y' all doing today? White people in Puerto Rico? Hell, yeah. I've been in Texas now for two years. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah. Finally make two years. I like the Mexicans out here. Y' all different than, like, Florida Mexicans. Hell yeah. Only thing I don't like is as soon as y' all, abuela, get over here, y' all get them a job at Walmart. And I think that's bullshit. Cause them people rude as hell. I went up to the lady the other day. I was like, hey, Tia, can you tell me where an antiperspirant deodorant is? And she said, mm, he don't speak English. Mm, mm. I was like, this bitch is rude, ain't she? But it's amazing how I go back to my car and I put on my homemade ice shirt. Now everybody speak English. I go back in there and say up to that same lady, hey, you know where the deodorant at now? Howdy, partner. You looking for an antiperspirant deodorant? That's J22 Buckaroo. I go down to get the deodorant. I come back, this bitch singing to start Spangle Banner. I'm like, get the fuck outta here. Thank y' all. That's my time, man. Y' all Gonna buzz up on David, Charlie. Yeah, yeah, Appreciate that. So the Latina women, they. When you wear an ICE shirt, they know English all of a sudden. Yeah, they know it real good. Yeah, good old Texas accent and all. And did they go, did they have to unlock the deodorant for you from the locked up case or whatever Walmart you're shopping at? You gotta unlock it for everybody. Well, I don't know if it's for everybody. We all got different Walmarts in different neighborhoods, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, no, it's definitely a lock on the one I go to. It's definitely a lot. Absolutely. I like them when it be like crackheads in front of the stove, you know what I mean? That's my. Make me feel good about myself. I'm doing better. Cuz you used to be that. No, I ain't never been a crackhead, but I've been pretty broke. I've been pretty broke. Yeah. Still look like it. Brian Simpson, it's funny, he said he never been a crackhead, but he looked like they could send him undercover with crack. No doubt. You could totally play an undercover crackhead. You could play an overcover crackhead. Hey, you could. You could go in and be the alpha of the crack crackheads, like that King Charles dog. Like you could go and calm down the other crackheads just by your presence. All the other crackheads chill out a bit. If them paying, we can start this job today, you know, I don't give a damn. Absolutely. You feel me? Oh, I feel you, Dave. Yeah, yeah, I feel you. Very, very rough skin. I feel you. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, it is. I just put on lotion, but it kind of like you got to put it on like three different layers when it's. Y' all don't know what I'm talking about. Don't worry about it, man. We all, we all know what you're talking about. You look. You don't even wear lotion, Tony. Surprisingly, I do. David Jolly. I don't have to. I wouldn't turn into absolute dust if I didn't like you. But I still do. It hurts for aging reasons so that I don't become an undercover crackhead like you. White people still can use lotion. There are many benefits. You ton. How's life been, David? What's going on in real life? Yeah, man, everything good back in the days, you know, Like, I be bored at the house now, so I'm about to start playing bingo. You're gonna play bingo at your house? No, I'm gonna go to the one that's on Being White Boulevard. It closed at like 10:30. Hey, them old ladies be. They be intense in that, boy. They be using some. Some words. Good old slurs, you know what I mean? Yeah. Them hoes professionals in that motherfucker. You hear me? Hell, yeah. A lot of. A lot of. A lot of N's in that game of bingo. A lot of N's and C's and J's. One called me a Z. I ain't never heard of Z. That's crazy. Brian Simpson. I don't think you should be shocked to hear somebody say nigga on Ben White Boulevard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I know what I'm getting myself into. I'm ready. They've been white. Yeah, they've been white a long time. Ben White is a real street. For those of you wondering. It's a very famous street here. They got a nice bingo hall over there. Closed like 10:30. They really do. Yeah. Yeah. How do you even know about this? Because I've been Googling. I be Googling a lot. Googling what? Places to rob. I have a feeling you're going to be showing up at 10:30 in the parking lot. It's a lot of dollar bills in that motherfucker. I got robbed by six feet of dust, I swear. Oh, man. You Tony. That sounds like some good merch. A good old you, Tony shirt probably would sell. I might need to go make that tonight. You know I make shirts, right? I bet you do make shirts. I do. I'm serious. Absolutely. Anything to make that dollar bill, baby abs. Absolutely. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Okay, again. Again. We definitely do. Anything else crazy going on David Jolly before we keep him in just living the dream and dropping his content, just, you know, the same road, you know, being a comic and living a dream, baby. You feel me? Yep. What's your Instagram? So that people can see the stuff you're making. You're making some funny stuff. Blowing the up right now. Yeah. Hope the black pope. Oh, you seen it. You seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right, Tony. That's all right. It's Mr. D. Jolly on Instagram and Facebook. All of that shit is Mr. D. Jolly, man. I appreciate that, Tony. There you go. That mean a lot, man. David Jolly got the show started for us. And like that, it has begun. And now we go to the bucket. This is where shit gets a little wacky because we're meeting people we knew, David before this. We knew we'd have a New good minute. This is where anything can happen. We could could be one of the next great comedians of the future. Could be an absolute fucking idiot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from your first bucket poll. He goes by the name of Justin Platts, everyone. Justin Platts. What is up you trap ass hoes? How we living? My name's Justin and Justin likes busting. That's right. I can prove it. I've got a kid. I know what you're thinking. This is a supervised visitation and or alternating weekend dad face at best, right? No way. This is a full custody father people. That's right. That's right. Thank you. And my son just graduated high school. He just graduated high school with a sports scholarship. That's right. I did not think the puberty blockers were gonna work that well either. So you're just as surprised as me? I was fucking skeptical. Yeah. My son is 18 and he just turned 18 and he pissed me off really bad the other day. He pissed me off so bad I actually turned in his draft registration card. Yeah. I'm hoping that this Ukraine conflict kicks up so that way I can put empty nester on my bumble profile, you know, and it not be a lie. That's right. I am back on the dating apps. One thing I've learned about dating apps, you can't be totally honest on those things. Right. For example, this is 6 foot 4 on all the platforms right now. Yep. All right, that's my time. Okay. Justin Platz, welcome to the show. Justin, you really have a. He's 18? Yes. He just turned 18. Is that your only kid? Actually he's about to turn 19. I'm sorry. Okay. Yep. Only kid one and done. Wow. Snip, snip. How long were you with the baby mama? About an hour, actually. Wow, look at that. That's all it takes. Pretty good. Happy? Absolutely incredible. We're able to make a child that fast. It only takes a second, apparently. Yep. Yep. And what's the kid doing for work? He works at the plasma center currently. So he's killing it. He's pretty into works there. Is he donating plasma? He's donating plasma? Yeah, he's donating plasma. Really? I've been trying to get him to get a job and he's just not about that life. So. Wow. How do you inspire him? What do you do for work? I work in commercial solar. Like solar construction? Primary. Okay. Are you good at it? No, I suck at it, but all right. What do you do for fun, Justin? For fun. I like to ride my. My dirt bike around. I live in Colorado. That's primarily what I do. Ride that dirt bike, smoke the weed, you know? Okay. You ride it unofficially? I wouldn't actually. I don't really do that. What? What? On cameras? I don't do that. But, you know, I got a real job. Okay. All right, Justin, it's a union gig, so this is. I got it. Well, you already said it. Now everyone knows who smoked pot. You're going to have to deal with that later, buddy. I tried it once in high school. That was all it was. All right, Justin. All right. What was your childhood like? Were your parents there for you? Yeah, I don't know. It was fun. What do you mean? My mom worked. My dad kind of hung out. It was cool. What did your mom do for work? She worked in a lot of factories. Wow. Yeah. And your dad stayed at home while your mother was working in factories? Pretty much. He would make us clean the house and take the credit, actually. So he's a smart guy. Incredible. And you live in Colorado now? I sure do, yeah. What part? Denver. Okay. In the city. Thornton, technically, yeah. But north Denver. Represent North Denver. Okay. Yeah. You're not in Denver, so it's hard to represent here. Brian Simpson. Tony. I feel like. I feel like we talking to two different people and I only like one of them. Is this a dating app right now? Wow. This is. Justin, are you really on dating apps? Sadly, yeah. Okay, and how does that go for you? Not going good. Tony, have you been on a date from it? Not in a while. No, not in a while. So yes, not in a long time. It's just a lot of empty chatting, you know? No, I don't know. Don't know. You're not on it. I'm asking you. I'm trying to gather the information so that we could talk about it. It's very hard to get answers. I forget. Everyone's not this alone. You're afraid your solar bosses are listening. All of a sudden you're solar overlords? Well, cheating on those drug tests is not cheap. Dude, like, now you're fired. I mean, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't do that. Obvious. Now you and your son are going to be dirt biking high together for a while. Does he still live with you? Yeah, kind of. He goes back and forth between him, my house and his mom's house. So. At 18? Yeah, he like. He's a big mama's boy. So what am I? I can't argue with it. You know, you could. You're the father. You could literally inspire him to get his life together. I try. Like, I'll threaten to take away the cell phone or the car or something. It just doesn't have the same effect at my. You know, when I was that age. You cut off. You cut off the Internet, though. You can really get to him, you know, that's when you can really. What does he do if there's no Internet? Oh, he'll have a real big fit. It's fun. It's like, damn, I actually feel like you love me right now. Let me turn the Internet back on. Wow, this is all so bizarre. Just do that. I'm sorry, guys. I mean, Red Band has a question. I mean, for 18, like, he doesn't have any job. Do you get. You guys still give him money? I'm asking him to get a job. No, I have not given him money in a while. He's been going to the plasma center to make ends. You can only make so much money. Yeah. You realize your kid's gonna run out of blood soon. I. Dude, I tell him. I'm like, that's precious, dog. You gotta hold on to that stuff, but can't get through to these kids, you know? How long have you been doing stand up? About four years. Four years. My God. All of it there in Denver, the comedy works kind of. Yeah, yeah. Kind of hitting the Denver scene kind of hard, right? Hitting it hard. You take your. You take your dirt bike to shows. Yeah. Because the parking is so convenient. You know, you just put it on the sidewalk knowing. Give us some more white trash things about you. You're. You know, we're grazing. We're grazing upon it with the dirt bike. I want to know more about you. Let's just delve right more into. Justin. I'm really into, like, leftover foods. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Okay, let's talk about it. We all. It's a big leftover food audience we have here tonight. Tell us what your limits are. So let's say you had, like, chicken and rice, right. For dinner or something. Let's say it's grilled chicken. That's part sub. You know, that's what. It's middle. That's what the kids would call mid. But why. Why would they call the chicken and rice mid? It's a. Well, you know, like, for example, when I'm eating, like, leftover chicken curry. I like that because the inside of my microwave will actually match the. My toilet bowl and decor's important. Justin, why don't you just stick with the Easy questions that I'm asking you, trying to set you up for success here and you keep turning this into a Colorado open mic. True that is the toilet look like a dirty microwave by the time I'm done with that, you idiot. So let's talk about it. I want, I'm curious to know you're into leftovers, so how far will you. Would you let it. You brought up chicken curry, let's go chicken curry. Let's say you order chicken curry at night time. We'll say 6pm even early evening dinner, right? What's, what's the longest you'll let that chicken curry. Now are you a keep it out lukewarm leftover. Are we talking into the refrigerator leftovers? Well it depends on the amount of curry in there because that kind of like keeps it stable for a while. You're trying to overthink everything that I'm asking you. These are all simple questions. We're all setting it up, say a week. One week. Oh, that's disgusting. Oh that's terrible. Oh that's terrible. That's not good. How about in the refrigerator? How long in the refrigerator? Oh, in the refrigerator. One week. No, I know, I know nobody laughed, it's crazy. But Brian Simpson, I think we figured out why he's not getting no dates off the apps. Yeah, cuz he's his pants. I'm going to check in with my senior leftover correspondent Brian Redband here who is the master of leftovers. He will have leftovers until there are none left over. He dilapidates them. Leftovers fear this man. When they go into the refrigerator, they know, oh, we're going to see that face face again. This is the last face that leftovers see before they become nothing. Leftovers. I hate leftovers. Whoa, Mr. Mr. Fresh over here. Like a fresh. I keep it out for a couple hours just to see if I want to dig back in. But other than that, I have the girl eat the eat it. It is true. I will leave things out for about an hour or two. Truth be told, I will like it because I'm. I'm a bit of a waster, right? You know, I've worked hard, I've worked very hard and I know there's always a feeling nowadays it wasn't always this way back in the day when I really needed that food and I was out of money, I fucking needed it. But there's a thing now when I put something in the refrigerator, I just know that I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart. Like, I know for a fact it's definitely going in the trash. But I go through the thing where, like, I'm a good person. They're starving people. But there's 100. No way. There's no way I'm gonna touch it again. I literally have no idea how to use my microwave sometimes. Pizza, though. I'll go back on pizza. You will. I bet you will. We're having fun here. Red Band and I have worked together for 12 years. If you can't tell, what else? Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? This has gone on way too long for how good you are at answering questions. Perfect. Here's a little joke book buddy. Congratulations. We'll see you again soon. On we go. And that's how it works. Justin Platz. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The lovely Heidi is here gracing us with her presence. All this talk alone, leftover foods, and there she is. Bluechew. Guys, be ready when she needs to. Get your first month of BlueChew free. Great sexes few clicks away. So sign up@bluetooth.com consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. Bluetooth tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door. The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line in the pharmacy. Tony, guess what? I love Bluechew. They provide. They're providing the best ed treatment out there, hands down. Bluechew won't stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house. This is the mission. You could be missing out on the best sex of your life, Tony. I bet I am missing out. Red Band. So make life easier by getting harder. Discover your options@bluetooth.com we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew free when you use promo code Tony. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. This podcast is sponsored by Nicked. Look, folks, we love Nicked. They've totally changed the game for nicotine pouches. All the flavors are so good and long lasting. Our favorites are strawberry tropical ice and peppermint. A red band. Tony. Nicked is the best. I love all the nick flavors I've tried. They last up to two hours and not only do they taste better, but they keep me more satisfied. 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All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Henry Cruz. Make some noise for Henry Cruz, everyone. Yeah. I recently realized I got fat. Yeah. Like, I went to the strip club and she started playing with my titties. I'm like, yo, leave my titties alone. I got sensitive nipples. No, but I'm trying to lose weight. Cause I'm trying to date, you know? But I'm 5 5. But on Tinder, I'm 5 9, but that's still not good enough. Women, like, you're short. I don't like to think about it that way. I'm the average height of a woman. I don't feel like a short man. I feel like a bad bitch. Period. Slay. Whatever they say. No, but I found a way to get taller. Right? You could have surgery, but what they don't tell you is it only makes you three inches taller. So you want me to go to surgery so I could be 5 8? I mean, fucked up. If I'm adding 3 inches to anywhere, it's not gonna be my height. Like, three inches won't make me six feet tall, but it'll finally make me six inch. All right, thank you, guys. That's about it. Henry Cruz. No way that he could have known that. He's the second comedian in a row to lie about his height on a dating app. Is that what everybody's doing nowadays? Apparently. You've been alive. Hell, yeah, dude. All right, well, welcome, welcome. Are you really five five? Yeah. Five five with shoes on five, four, without. Oh, wait, What? Five, four without my sh. Man. Five, four, without shoes. Yeah, without shoes. We rock in here. I'm a pretty big heel. Yoni, let's get the tape measure out here. I have a feeling we might get lucky here. If he's five' three, I'm buying the whole place a shot of tequila right now. I'm in a mood tonight. I'm in a mood. Here we go. The moment. Moment of truth. Shoes off. Get those shoes off. Henry Cruz. Oh, the lights are flashing. The sound guy clearly jonesing bird. Shot of tequila. Whoa. The crowd is into it. Stay still. Five, three and a half. Five, three and a half. Five, three and a half. Ladies and gentlemen. To think you guys were only a half an inch away from getting a shot of tequila here tonight. Absolutely incredible. Absolutely. We gotta follow the rules. Rules is rules. Yoni's a genius. Thank you, Yoni, for protecting me. Oh, boo. By yourself. A shot, Giannis. That. That almost felt like a weird slave auction. For a slave we were. For a slave we were throwing out, we're like, nah. Yeah, this one's no good. Oh, man. No doubt. I'm tall for Salvadorians, man, I'm tall. Is that what you are? Salvadorian, Not Mexican? Salvadorian. You're 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you sure? Are you sure about that? I was born here. You know what I mean? You were born here? Okay, Everybody says that now with our new president of the United States. People make a real point when you're Hispanic. That's like the 21 now that I. Yeah, yeah. I was born here. Sure you were. Yeah. What do your El Salvadorian parents do for a living? One of them's dead, and the other one's, you know, cleaning lady. Typical, Right? Okay. How'd that die? Cancer. Yeah, Cancer. Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. When did that happen? 20. 20. 20. 2020. My goodness. My goodness. That must have been hard, huh? We get over it. We get through it. Okay. All right. Looks like you kind of enjoyed it. Yeah. What kind of cancer was it? What was it? Pancreas? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pancreatic cancer. That's a tough one. That works. Henry, what do you do for a living? So I deliver snacks. Route drive. Deliver snacks. You deliver snacks specifically only snacks? Yeah, I rall. Drive deliver snacks, you know, sometimes. What kind of snacks are you talking about? Like, convenience stores. You know, I go to the stores. You only do convenience stores? Well, yeah, we get the bundles of, like, snacks, and we take them to, like, different places, you know, your Friend, sending you to the store is not an occupation. What exactly is this service called? Well, the. I can't name the company, but we just deliver. Like, you know how they have bags of chips and stuff like that? Drinks. So I just take it to them, you know, to the stores. Yeah, yeah. You're delivering from the warehouse to the stores. Okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, so sometimes a few snacks go missing, but, you know. What are your favorite kind of snacks? I like Doritos, man. Oh, very simple, man. Nacho Cheesy or Cooler Ranch. Oh, he loves Cooler Ranch. Yeah, Cooler Ranch. All right. What's your love life like, Henry? What's it like being five, three and a half? Telling people that you're five' five? Lying. Truly a horrible lie about being five nine. Oh. What's it like living this life of El Salvadorian dwarfism? Well, I mean, it doesn't help that I'm bad at sex, too, so it's going like. Tell us more. What do you mean you're bad at sex? You're having a little problem with the puposa out there. Nice. Good reference. That's an El Salvadorian treat. Yeah, he got delicate. See, in El Salvador, a puposa. I might not know about the bean, but I know about pasas. Good one, good one, good one. What's your problem? In the bedroom. Can you not get on the pedal? Hey, let me out. Let me out. Hey, y. Can you put a little trampoline at the end of the bed? I'm going to get up there like a luchador. Dud. Baby, please help me. You said you'd never let go. I'm dying down here, dude. Hey, babe, come under the bed. Come under here. I swear to God, I'm gonna please you, dude. I'm gonna eat that pussy like a bag of Cooler Ranch. Doritos. Come on, baby. I wanna make a snack. Go, Missy. In here. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I do have asthma, so that doesn't help. God. Do you have an inhaler? Yeah, I got two in the back right now. Oh, my God. Wow. You have a backup just in case? Yeah, I got to, man. It's a tough life. And when you're with a girl, sometimes that takes your breath away. I'm sure you get a little nervous, a little excited, so you got to pump on that. And her goes drier than David Jolly's elbows. She's got a rub lotion on her. Oh, God. Three layers. From what I understand. Three layers of lotion it takes. So that happens where you need to use the Inhaler on a girl. You're like, hey, baby, I swear to God, I swear to God, when I catch my breath. Well, I use. I used to hide it. Like that's why I to want wear socks in bed. Cuz I just hide it in there, you know you keep an inhaler in your sock? Yeah. And at 5, 3, I bet that shit's clanking against the floor. Ticket to ticket. Ticket to ticket. Sounds like a horse. Oh my God. So give us an example of a time where you've really blown it in the bedroom. Oh, well, one time she told me, hey, can you use a finger? Like, you know, she says sex is boring, but I gave her a wet willie. I don't think that's what she meant. Wow. She was like, wrong hole. There you go. Very good self deprecating humor. We love that here. Henry, anything else crazy we should know about you before we keep it moving here? Here. I like how this is going so good. It's a good interview. I'm so glad you lied about your height and that you're an embarrassment in the bedroom. You gave us a lot to work with and that's what the show's all about. You know, it's not necessarily about the minute. It's about being honest in the interview. Clearly, unlike the last guy, you have no fear of losing your snack delivery job. It can only go up from here. Much like your height. You know what I'm gonna do? Even though you're a small guy and the set was okay, I'm gonna give you a medium sized joke. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Henry Cruz. Here you go, buddy. Oh, he's gotta reach down two and a half feet to pick that up. Up right now. Look at that. He didn't even have to bend over. That's the joy of being 3ft 4in. In the air. There he goes. The debut of Henry Cruz. Oh, we're cooking, baby. 67.1 degrees here. Inside the room, life is good. On to the next one we go. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Jessa Knuckles. Jessa Knuckles. This looks like a new name. Here is Jessa, everybody. Hello. Hello. Hi, I'm Jessa Knuckles. I recently lost £40, so it no longer looks like I'm in the rodeo when I try to wipe my ass. However, I did gain 20 back, so it's back to the rodeo. Igoio. My doctor says that I might have sleep apnea. So I really hope it's true that men like Star wars as much as they say because lady in the streets, Darth Vader in the sheets. Between. I'm also a type 1 diabetic, so between my diabetes and my sleep apnea, I really know how to keep a man up at night. But on the plus side, I pee so much, men think I'm a squirter. I got accused of. Oh, I got dumped for having a wondering eye, but it turns out it's just lazy. All right, Thank y' all. Hell, yeah. Jessa Nichols. Knuckles Knuckles Colts. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't want to get that wrong. Absolutely. Hell no. Hell, yeah. That was like a reverse dating app profile, what you just did. Yeah, I lost weight and I found it. I'm a loud sleeper. Type 1 diabetic, and I pissed the bed. Lazy eyes. Stay away. Everybody stay away from me. Holy giannis. Yeah, men are desperate. So I'm still getting railed. I bet you are. I bet you are. Yeah. Listen, I like you. I like you. And a little tip for guys out there. If you're trying to save on heat in the winter, date this girl. Sleep next to her. She'll warm you up real good. Hell, yeah. I want to get the last guy out here and put him in a jockey outfit and put her on her. Is that okay? Well, yeah, let's do it. She'll probably have trouble breathing. She can borrow his inhaler for a second. I did wear my best moomoo. For you. It is. What? And nothing better than a cow and a moomoo. You know what I'm saying? Oh, Antonio Brown. Look at that. I like to call her a San Antonio 8. Oh, yeah, I do. Well, in San Antonio, that's what is implied. That's exactly. It's like a San Antonio 10, honey. Oh, 10. Sorry. 10 seconds. Yeah, that is exactly what was implied there. So you're a type one diabetic, huh? Yeah, you wouldn't think. But true. I mean, I would have thought. Yeah, for sure. I'm surprised you got both feet. One is the skinny one. Table of white guys just poured their drinks all over one another in absolute disgust. I love it. Well, you are the best dressed person on on stage tonight. It's very nice. Nice for you to wear our favorite grandmother's lampshade here. Jessa, what do you do for work? I'm a dog sitter. A dog sitter? Yes. Wow. You ever walk them? I do walk Tony. Yeah, I'm talking about the dogs. Cause when you said sitter, I believed that part. I'm wondering if you're ever a dog stander, a dog walker. A dog? Do you squish them? I am fat Tony. It's true. I like your style. Jessa. How long you been knowing? How long did you be honest not to Brian Simpson, you're not. It is true. I have to check in with my senior. Anybody Will do correspondent. My senior. May I borrow your sleep apnea mask, correspondent? No, no, no. Y' all got it wrong. It's the skinny niggas that like fat white girls. I'm a fat nigga. We gotta get David. Get David Jolly back out here. They gonna do. He introduce her to Shea Butter, and he'll. He'll take her down to the bingo hall. You know what I mean? I do love bingo. You just. Just keep nailing me, Tony. It's like you're in love with me or something. Absolutely. You are my type. 1. I was. I have a feeling I'm your type, too. Yeah, I was gonna bring you a bath bomb because I hear you like baths, but they strip you down at the door outside. Oh, I don't. Okay. That's a lot there. There's a lot there. A lot to unpack. Much like the guys that take you home. A lot to unpack. So, Jessa, what's an. You're a dog sitter. Where do you live? I live in Austin. You live in Austin. How long have you lived in Austin? About 15 years. 15 years. Where were you at? I went to college here. You went to college year? Absolutely. A longhorn. Yeah. And a wide lady. Yeah, I love it. Okay, Jessa, what do you do for fun? Austin's a very wild place. Lots of things to do. You could float on the river, you could sink on the river. What do you do? Oh, baby, I sink in the bottom of the pool. I love it. So does Brian Simpson. Let's check in with Brian Simpson again. Yeah, we're up in. I already tried to share my sleep apnea mask with you, but you weren't having it, so it's done now. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. So, Jessa, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? I make jewelry. Okay. Is that on sale somewhere? Is it on Etsy or something? It's on my Instagram. Okay. What's your Instagram? Essiebboo. Jessie B. Boots. All right. Yeah. I used to make cowboy boots in college when I made that Instagram. So, to updating to current events. What made you get out of the boot game? Sexual harassment. You were being sexually harassed? Yes. I used to be quite the looker, Tony. Oh, my goodness. Where do you think you lost? What happened? You know, sometimes I'm just, like, not trying to be mean, and it just comes across as ruthless. What happened? Saw that dog sitting. Really? No. What, were you eating them? Are you hot dog sitting? How do you. I lock my dogs on a bun. Hire me. Usa, Hire me. I love it when people go with the flow. That's amazing. So you didn't graduate college? Oh, I did graduate college. And you're. You're dog sitting and making jewelry? Yeah, I'm doing what I love. D Madness. It's okay. There's a flood watch D just to let you know. I'll fast forward it for you so you don't get worried. There's a flood watch tonight. We are watered in here. We have excess water around us. Back to Jessa Nichols here. Knuckles, Tony. Knuckles. Knuckles? Yep. That like a fist? Absolutely. Giannis, did the jewelry around your neck, did you make that? No. This is actually locally done by an artist called Shock Factor. It's very nice. Very nice. I can't tell how big or small it is. You know, it's gargantuan and it's stained glass. It's one of my favorite pieces. On you, it looks small. It's incredible. Jessa. Boo. That one was kind of lame. You didn't like that one? Yeah. I thought, I think you can do better. I. I can and I've done better. I've done better a bunch. I've roasted the out of you for eight and a half minutes. We know I can and have done better. Stop saying roast. It's making her hungry. We love you. We love you, Jessa. We love you. I want to get you out of here on a big. On a big something. What else about you? Give me something else. Craziest thing that's ever happened while your dog's sitting. Oh, I have a friend and her dog has a broken paw. That was how she found the dog was with the already healed broken paw. And this rottweiler uses it. We call it her raping paw. Uh huh. Why do you call it that? Because she uses it to scoop you in so that she can hump you harder. Ah. Okay. Yes. So I'm fighting these wild dogs off constantly. I think I would lose some weight, but no, I'm pretty sure that's your only threat of being raped, Jessa. So that's exciting. Oh, we're groaning now. She said I could do better. You can roast harder than that. And then you guys go, oh, too much, too far. Shut the fuck up. You know what? I'M gonna do. Cause I like the way you did this. I like the way you laughed at yourself and you took it. You're the first person tonight to get a big joke book. Jessa knuckles. Boom. Thank you. Hey, there goes Jessa Knuckles, ladies and gentlemen. Put that mic stand back where you got it there. Jess. Up. Jessa. Put them. All right. Jesus Christ. Put the mic stand back. Jessa. Good. Good enough. Jessa. Good job. Yep, that's the way. Last thing we need is Jessa stage diving to get out of here tonight. I'm sure Rogan would Love that. Lawsuit. Six people dead at Comedy Mothership on 6th Street. Comedian tries to exit the wrong way all right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery, though let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also Amazon music to, Vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band Whether streaming a stand up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.comprime all right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're will binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery, though let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also Amazon music to Vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band Whether streaming a stand up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even deliver a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe, remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.comprime all right, we know this young man. He's been on the show multiple times. Make some noise for the return of Michael Ridley. Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ridley. Hi. Hello. I'm just kidding. I'm not that Asian. That'd be crazy. I would kill myself if I was that Asian. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't kill myself. I would cure my hair. All right, cool. You guys are a little racist. You have retarded family members? Anybody? Yeah, you're it, buddy. Yeah, dude. I got a super autistic brother. And it's pretty rough because, like, I just remember as a kid, we used to take him to these interviews to get him evaluated. And the thing about my brother is, like, he's too keep a job, but he's not enough to get Social Security benefits. So he's in this gray area of retardation. Learning disabled, autism, dude. We would take my brother to these mental evaluation interviews as a kid. And he's so autistic that he'd be like, now's my time to show these people how smart I am. It would be like this reverse WB frog situation. We'd bring them into these interviews. Can I finish it? Thank you. I'm just asking for permission. Wow. Are you the family member? Yeah. Yeah. Holy. Yeah. What am I supposed to do? All right, you're done. Okay. You wanna finish it? Finish it. Okay, I'll finish it. It's not gonna work now, but finish it. No, no, it'll work. No, yeah, it'll totally work. Go ahead. I don't know what I'm talking. We'd bring him into these interviews and he'd suddenly become affluent as fuck. He'd walk in and be like, yes, the triangle goes in the triangle hole and the square goes in the square hole. That's red, that's green and that's blue. And then we'd get back in the car and you just. I'm Michael Ridley. Thank you so much. There you go. Okay. There you go. Hi, Michael. Hey, Tony. How are you? Is this true? You have a family member? I have a younger brother who's severely autistic. Yeah. Severely autistic? Yeah. He's 30. Okay. And he really doesn't work. He tries to. What does he do? Usually, like, Taco Bell or, like food service. And then he gets through the first two weeks. So he's basically the most employed person out of any of the bucket pools we've had here tonight. Yeah, I deliver snacks. I dog sit. I get high and wide. Dirt bike. Yeah, we did have a dirt Bike. It was sick. A little 50cc. He's got a dirt bike. He did, yeah. He loves bikes, dude. Wow. That's his thing. Okay. All right. Do you ever ride with him? I haven't seen him in a while, dude. I'm. I'm out here grinding. He's back in Virginia, where I'm from. Okay. I haven't talked to him in many moons. How do you think he's going to feel. Feel when he sees us? Let's check in with Brian Simpson here. Hey, Brian. I feel like severely people need. Need four wheels minimum. That's a good point. Right? Y' all let this out on two wheels? That's crazy. That's a good point. It's a regular bike. They call it a dirt bike because it's covered in dirt. Because he falls so much. Oh, dude. He eats on those things, dude, he's crazy. I bet those people do eat sometimes. Michael, let's talk about you, because I don't think the apple falls far from the tree tree in this family. What are you doing for work? I'm doing. I've been doing stand up full time since April. I'm just doing spots all over Austin. It's a nightmare when you say you're doing stand up full time as a job. How much money are you making, Michael? Well, I'm doing a podcast. I'm hosting whatever I can. I've been hosting roast battles for Roast Battle Austin. I did one. Let's not stand up. How much do you get paid for that? Oh, I did, like, I got like 70 for that. 70 to host a whole creek roast Battle? Yeah. Okay. That's actually more than I would have expected. So. 70. How much are you making from your podcast? My podcast makes like 150amonth right now. From where? Where are you getting that 150 patreon, baby. People? Yeah, I have a solid group of Frog Nation. Frog Nation? Yeah. How. What's the membership? 10 bucks a month. We got a. We got $1, $5. 10 and 20. We got a ton of $20, guys. You have a ton of ton. You know how many you can have to make? $150. That's seven. Seven would be the maximum. Dude, that's a lot. A ton. Dude, that's a lot. People are giving me 20. That's like. I wish we were so easily satisfied with 20 followers, you know, it ain't much, but it's an honest start, you know? Okay, all right, Michael. It is an honest start. So 150amonth plus 70 for a show that happens monthly. You host it monthly or. I. I fill in for the current host. He's on vacation. So even the $70, that was the luck of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're counting on this. 150amonth and you have to split that with a co host, right? That's just you? That was for me? Yeah. Wow. Incredible. Like officiated all the battles, did opening spot, and then hosted the pre showcase before the battles. Ballpark. What do you think you made this past month? This past month probably cleared like doggy like 3, 400. Wow. And you have. I happen to know, because she works here. You have a girlfriend that works. I have a wife. Yes, a wife. Wife that works here. And she's taking care of you? I take care. We take care of each other. How do you take care of her? I've a. I've adopted the role of house husband. Yeah, it's. I'm a. Yeah. I don't know if you guys understand how emasculating it is to get a peck on the cheek while you're doing the dishes, but I would not recommend it at all. Heck yeah. I always wonder like, why doesn't more comics have like a, you know, a lunch shift at a restaurant or working like a nine to four job? I mean I've. My whole life. I've had two or three jobs my whole entire life. Like, I don't understand this rely on comedy shit at all. Yeah. So it wasn't like this always. When I first moved to Austin three years ago, I was working at Vulcan. I had a work from home job and I used to work for Kill Tony. So I was like spread very thin. You worked for Kill Tony? Yeah. I worked for you for like a year. The first year Mothership opened. Really? He worked for us for a year? A little bit. I'm getting a smaller. You're like the guy that lied about his height. I'm getting a. Yeah. I used to work for you guys. Okay. A lot of free hoodies. Okay. We're going to need those back. We're going to have you wash the them since you're a house and then you can give them back to us. All right, Michael, anything else crazy we should know about you before? I've been training jiu jitsu with the Mothership security guards for the last three months. Wow. Okay. I'm getting so powerful, dude. And do you have to pay for that? No, my wife pays for it. Oh my God. I get. I get her discount. I get her disc. Go. Wow. Guys, what do we think? Who is this woman that believes in him so much? Jesus Christ. It's a. It's a woman that's. It's a woman that's orgasming quite frequently. I don't know about that. I find this to be impossible. Tell us how you do it, Michael. The guys listening to this show all want to know you your secret. With a face like that, what the do you do? Jesus Made it worse. Frog style. Frog style. Squat. Point it down. What is that? You have her legs over her head or something? No, she's like. Maybe in a. Like, your lady is probably like in a missionary position and her legs are on your shoulders. This feels a lot like a jiu jitsu class right now. But stick with me, me. Now this makes sense, actually. Yeah. Her legs on your shoulders, your feet are on the bed, like so. Sumo style, froggy style. And then you just bounce on the bed. Right, okay. That actually makes sense. It's one of the rare times that I've gotten an actual physical, correct answer from the question, how do you please your woman in the bedroom? Yeah. I think it's been 12 years I've been asking that question. People are like, I just hit my inhaler. Her. And pray for the best. But not you. You gave an actual answer there. Yeah, I'd be fucking. That's incredible. That is incredible. That's a lesson for everyone out there. Hit different angles, try different things. Experiment. Very good. Congratulations. You already have joke books, right? I have one. Yeah. I have one from three years ago. Yep. Huh? Is it. Is it filled? No, it. It sits on my thing as like a memento to. Keep going. There you go. Well, there. Keep going. For sure. It's your only option, Michael. All right. Bye. Bye, Michael. Ridley, lad, ladies and gentlemen, I love you guys. Let's get another bucket pull out here. And then we're gonna use. Do our special treat that we have this next comedian. Looks like a new maybe. We've seen this before. Make some noise. Here we go for bucket pull. Matt Suri, everyone. Matt Surrey. What is up, mother? Now, obviously you could tell I'm into extreme sports. Actually, it's so true. I tried to go skydiving for my birthday the other year. Now I say try because when I got to the airfield, the lady took one look at me and was like, yeah, no, sorry. Apparently I'm too fat to fall from the sky. Something about the reserve chute not supporting my mass. I'm like, I've seen him drop tanks into Ukraine. All right. It's Crazy, man. I mean, I hit the gym, but, you know, I got a hernia. And it's not even a real man's hernia. It's an umbilical hernia, which basically means I'm so fat, my stomach has nowhere else to go. It's trying to come out my belly button. It's crazy, but it's not all bad. It's not all bad bad. The other day at work, my boss said an idea I had was worth its weight in gold. And that got me thinking. What would I be worth if I were worth my weight in gold? So I figured it out. I'd be worth $15,492,675. That's right. I'm a cash cow. Now I just got to decide. Do I want to sacrifice half of that just to go skydiving? All right, thanks a lot, you guys. All right, Matt. Suri. Okay, Matt, what's up? A lot of facts there. Just a lot of facts. The hernia thing was a fact. The weight in gold was a fact. I'm pretty sure we all want to see that fucking belly button. Am I correct right now? Maybe I'm the only one. I mean, I don't know if they can handle it. I think they can handle it just fine. Kino on the lights. Give it to me. Sometimes our stoner lighting sound guy isn't paying attention to the show. Sometimes he is. You never know. Oh, my God. Is that a. Is that a. What? Is that a rag? Wait a second. Let me see that thing. Pull it out again. Oh. Oh, shit. He's got a ball sack attached to his stomach. Oh, my God. He's got that. That's more than an Audi, my friend. That is. It's more like the car. Audi. You could fit a family of five in that belly button of yours. What are you going to do, man? I don't know. What. What are you going to do, man? That's a question for you and your doctor. Yeah, I don't. Wow. What did they tell you? Lose weight. Okay. And how's that going? I mean, it goes pretty good. And then I gained it all the fuck back again. How do you do it? How do you lose it? How do you gain it? I actually lost a lot of it just down the road at Optimum Health Institute. Doing like a juice fast and stuff. Okay. Yeah, that works. I lost, like, £90. And then what'd you do? And then I just started eating again. What were you eating? I mean, just normal shit, man. But it's like stress Stress. The stress. The weight just stays on. Wow. Yeah, man. Wow. What are you stressed about? I just lost my job last week. Oh, my goodness. What was the job? I was a quality manager. A quality manager for what? For a co pack beverage company. Quality managers. What exactly does that mean? I just. I monitor food safety and food safety quality systems. Huh. So how did. How did you lose the job? You seem like you'd be great at monitoring. It seems like I. How did. I helped him with the. How did you lose your job? I was basically hired just to help them get through their certification. Did that and then it was like. How long did. Did you have the job? Four months. Okay. What did you do before that? That same similar thing. Same similar thing. Yeah. Food safety for another. For actually a pet food manufacturer. Is that what you do? You do food safety? Safety? Yeah. And I used to do auditing full time. Auditing? Yeah. Okay. Did you get too intimate with the food? Well, you know. Who fired you? Lost prevention. Like you hit your fucking noise, man. You know what? You're right. He deserves it. That was good enough. Where's the sound effect? Here it is. Red band. You did it again. Red band. Yeah, man. I love it. So, Matt Suri, tell us more about you. Tell us something very interesting. I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall. Hall? You did what? I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall. What the hell kind of solo did you sing at Carnegie Hall? It was Kier. What is it, opera? What is that? It's like classical. You sing? Yeah. Oh, let's hear a little something, dude. Let's hear a little something. You want to. You want the band with you or are you going to go solo? I'll just sing you what I sang. Beautiful. Let's do it. All right. Hold on. Sing your heart out and your belly button out. No, it's too high, man. My bad. I felt the fucking tap. Yes. Keep going. Keep going. I enjoyed the comedy more than that. Is there like a. Is there like a peak part? Is there like a. That was it. That's it. That's it. There's no, like, climax to it or anything? No. Nothing else, man. Well, Jesus. I guess we could all sing at Carnegie hall then. Ei, ei. Yeah. Oh, my goodness gracious. How old are you? Oh, man. D Madness is back. 49 on Saturday. 49 on Saturday. Yeah. I bet you he wishes he was deaf right this moment. Tony, what do you. Yeah. Brian, do you realize every single. Go back and look at this. Every single time I'm a guest on Kill tonight. Me one of These said he could rap or sing. It turns into. Would you rather I played the drums, Brian? Well, you were the only one that was lying. Everybody else. He is right. We can all sing like you. Wow. My goodness. All right, Matt Surrey. Well, we had fun here tonight. How did it feel for you? It was cool, man. Hell yeah. We'll sign up. Do it again. Have you been on the show before? No, it's first time signing up. Okay, first time signing up. Maybe. I don't know. Hernia. Extreme sports. Sports Work. Turning. What do you guys think? Small or big? Small. Big. Big. Small. There he is. Matt Surrey, ladies and gentlemen. Sign up again. Do it again sometime, Matt. Happy last birthday. With a Venmo debit card, you can Venmo more than just your friends. You can use your balance in so many ways. You can Venmo everything. Need gas? You can Venmo this. How about snacks? You can Venmo that. Your favorite band's merch. You can Venmo this. Or their next show. You can Venmo that. Visit Venmo me. Debit to learn more. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp bank and a pursuant to license by Mastercard International Inc. Card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted. Venmo purchase restrictions apply. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail biting novel from time to time, with services like Prime Video, Amazon Music and fast free delivery, prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more. All right, we have a special something happening right now. Cam Patterson is a star and is shooting a goddamn movie right now. He is literally a star. So he's not gonna make it tonight. In his place, we're gonna do something a little fun. For the first time in the show's history, ever in the show's history. This is someone that won the spot away from the show after another show on a different night. I, me and this man who happens to be one of the best poker players in the world, considered the number one heads up. Which means one on one poker player in the world. We played Texas Hold' Em here at Mitzi's until 5:30 in the morning on the line. I could have won $40,000 or he wins a spot on Kill Tony. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. This is a minute of comedy he's been Preparing a month for this. We're gonna have some fun right now. Make some noise for Doug Poke, everybody. It's hard to live in Texas without hearing about the immigration debate. They're bringing in drugs. They're taking our jobs. We've got to do something about these Californians. We're going to build a wall and we're gonna make New Mexico pay for it. And for the record, I don't understand why they're coming here anyway. Over the last few years, the California real estate market's been on fire. Maybe they're just a little burned out. Oh, we got lots of natural disaster fans here tonight. That's nice. It's also hard to live in Austin without hearing about this serial killer who's killing gay men at Lady Bird Lake. Yeah, how was that? Funny, I didn't think much about it. But then the other day my friend called me. He said, hey, where are you going out tonight, man. Just want to make sure I know where you are. And then it dawned on me. My friend thinks I'm a murderer. But that makes no sense because I love gay men. And we love you too, Doug. And we love you, too. I'll tell you, I'm pretty sure I'm right here. I'm pretty sure that's the best set of the night from everybody. Absolutely incredible when you put your mind to it. I mean, you've been practicing for a month. We're buddies now. I met you you that night. And Crazy, crazy night. Crazy night. It's just one of those nights where it was like a Scorsese movie. I kind of told the story a couple weeks ago, but it was just people telling me, hey, do you know the best heads up poker player in the world here at your afterpart? It's a. Every Monday we have a little party after each taping. And I kept hearing it all night. You were on the other side of the bar. I had no idea who you were. And then by the time we finally got to meet, by the time our paths crossed, I was just drunk enough to challenge you to. To P. Poker. Turns out you run what. From what I'm told is literally the best poker facility in the country. Yeah, Lodge Card Club here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, that's what's up, by the way. So when. When we first met, I thought we would, like, exchange names and, like, some. Some pleasantries, and I'm like, hi, I'm Doug. He's like, I'll beat you in poker. Yeah. I was excited. Where did that come from? Like, all right, let's see what we can do. We have fun. Yeah. That is a Monday night brought to you by whiskey and tequila. See, I sip whiskey and I do shots of tequila. It's a problem. I'm going to be joining Henry Cruz's father in the pancreatic cancer department real soon. It's a ticking time bomb, so enjoy the show while it lasts. But on Monday nights is when I really let it rip. I'm kind of more chill throughout the week, and I blow my liver to shreds on Monday night nights. And boy, oh, boy, you met me at about, what, 12:31am on a Monday night? And we played poker until 5:30am everybody. And it was one of those games where it wasn't just, like, us. It was. Everyone was around us. It was a very entertaining game. You're fun to play with. I was talking, having fun. It was a great doing things like looking at one card and seeing a king and betting big and just hoping the other card was good. We were having fun. Oh, no. I saw how you played. You played. You were really aggressive. You were a pretty crazy player. Yeah, that kind of makes sense. Yeah. I feel like I made a mistake, though, with the negotiation for the stakes. Right? Because I was like, all right, I want to go on the show. I'll put up some money. And I was kind of drunk, too, so I was like, how about $20,000? He's like, done. I was like, oh, shit. I probably should have opened lower on that. Yeah. But kind of worked my way up. Might have been good. And I won that first game, for those of you that don't know. But it all happened so fast. I realized afterwards that I'm the sucker. I didn't realize what was happening there. But by letting me win one, and I go, well, now I want to play. So what? What. What was it then? It was basically the same bet. Dude, we were so drunk. I don't think either one of us can retell the stories. Y' all sound so gay. Y' all are flirting back. Oh, oh, come on. Let it out. It's almost like. It's almost like they forgot a going on. Yeah, it was a wild night already. Jesus Christ. He's like. He's like, how. How do we be? No, no, no, dude, you tell the story. You tell that. You tell it. We had. It was a crazy story. You're so drunk. We shooting tequila and whiskey. I met this handsome man. Which one's the handsome man? Oh, oh, okay. That's why. You know what? The universe isn't fair. We've had these disabled people come up here, can't put a joke together. This guy just started comedy three minutes ago, comes up here with a beautiful face and blows everybody out of the water. God's not real. And not only did he have the best set. Tell our. Tell the people. How much money do you think you've made playing poker, Doug Poke? So I. I've won about 10 million in tournaments. No big deal. This is why I want to buttfuck this guy. Don't ruin it for me, Giannis. Don't ruin it for me. If I'm finally gonna be as gay as everybody wants me to, Doug's gonna be the guy that takes my butt virginity. Have you ever heard of froggy style before? I want you to hit it missionary. Dude, I'm face to face face. I. I know I had a bit on it, but I don't actually love gay men. Oh, no, I know. And I love you. I'll tell you that right now. We're gonna play again tonight. Winner take all. Hell, yeah. So, Doug, what's it like out there being a actual pro poker player? What's like a cr. Give us an example of another crazy night or something. Or anything wild that you've seen. Yeah, so I've had some pretty big wins and some pretty big losses. One weekend, I lost a million dollars playing online poker. And I went down to the lobby and I was really sad. And they had, like, police everywhere. And I asked the hotel person, I'm like, why are there. Why is everyone. Why are these police officers here? Like, oh, someone killed themselves this weekend. And it was. It was someone from Glee. Like one of the lead people from Glee at Fairmont Pacific. Ren. He killed himself in the hotel I was staying at. And I was like, okay, I guess I'm having the second worst weekend. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. Even fucking killing with follow up jokes. Jesus Christ. Didn't even write that one. He's a natural. That's why I'm in love with him, I'm telling you. Do you think you're gonna continue doing stand up? Like, is this something you really want to do? Yeah. So I've been. I've been doing it for, like, a month now. I. It seems like a lot of fun. I enjoy it for some reason. I'm always worried I'm going to, like, forget things. I don't know if you guys. Yeah, that's how it starts. The memory builds after a while. For most people, William Montgomery still reads off of no cards, but everyone else it naturally happens. I remember. Especially the first fucking couple few years. I'm like, jesus Christ. Christ. How am I? How. How do people do longer sets without. But the mem. And also, the more that you write, the more that you like your jokes, the more that you're excited to tell them and don't want to forget them. So, like, as the jokes get better, they become easier to remember, if that makes sense. Yeah, I. I could imagine that. So I do a lot of, like, online videos and stuff, and it's just. It's so different when you record YouTube videos because, like, you're like, what's up, guys? Doug Polk here. I didn't like that one. Delete. Okay, we're not. Not here. It's like, nope. You heard that? Yep, yep. It's true. It's absolutely true, Doug. Well, anything else for Doug, guys? Brian, all you're going to say is that we're gay, and then put the mic down for the rest of the show. You got you guys gay. It was time. No, but, yeah, you'll slowly. You'll slowly, like, empty out the part of your mind that, like, cares about people and things, and you'll fill it up with jokes. That's nice. You're a smart guy. Obviously, you know, people that can play poker professionally are already living a lot of people's dreams. The fact that you're chasing this rush, and it is, as you probably can feel, a crazy adrenaline rush. Same type of thing as when you're in a big hand. You don't fucking know what's going on, but you got it. And you're getting a big joke book. Thank you. Hell, yeah. Doug Polk, everybody. Thanks, Doug. Back to the bucket we go. That's my boyfriend. There he goes. Faraggy style. All right, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. This looks like a newer name. Oh, my God, I'm dizzy. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. These guys are gonna go wipe off each other's pants together. That's. Those are the white boys that spilled drinks all over each other earlier. They're about to go trade shorts. All right, make somebody to your next bucket poll. Philip Abraham, everybody. Here we go. How y' all doing? My name is Philip Abraham. I am not white. I am white. Passing on the phone my whole life. Whole life. A lot of people think I'm black in Austin. They ain't got no black people. Worse is when people think I'm black. You know what that is? That's when Asian people think I'm black. Slow burn. I am Indian. I'm a different kind of Indian. I'm Puerto Rican. I am Indian. And Pakistan will be soon, too. Oh, man. Most Indians are Hindu. I'm a little bit different. My dad's side's Jewish. My mom's side's Catholic. I worship Satan. Phillip Abraham. You've been on this show before, right, Phillip? Yeah, I was on the show, like, a week into open mics, like, two and a half years ago. Okay. Yeah. Two and a half years. Did not go. Did not go well. But it went better this time. Yes. Going to show that if you do this over time, you should get better. And you did that, and here you are. Yep. How's it been going? Pretty good. Yeah. I've been just working, doing a lot of shows, doing a lot of mics. What do you do for a living? I. I'm an experienced designer. What does that mean? So I like. I like, build apps and websites for Fortune 500 companies. Giannis, I was about to say. He was. What it means is he's a disappointment to his parents. He came through with the computer shit. Yeah. The last second. He's Indian. He's got to be doing something fun. Are you building websites, dad? You would be so proud of the websites. I be so experienced. All right. I talked to my parents, and they call comedy a program. Like, did you do your program tonight? How is the program? Yeah. Do I sound like your dad? Kind of. Kind of. He's wanted to do one. Bo. Bo. Damn. How are all. All of the programs during. What does your dad do for work? Oh, he's a Pentecostal preacher. Whoa. Yeah. A Pentecostal Pakistani preacher. Indian. God damn it. Oh, okay. That's like calling him the Nword. Did you know that? Go back and forth. Called yourself farmer, Puerto Rican at one point. Pakistani. It's all mixing together. So you're 100% Indian? Yeah, I'm Malayali. Oh, well, in that case, 100%. All right. What does that mean? It's just like, people from the southern coast. It's, like, very specific type of people. What are they known for? Coconuts. Oh, wow. Okay. Got mangoes. Okay. I didn't realize there was such a tropical part of India. They don't cook it with their feet. Those are the North Indians. Just wanted to put that out there. Okay. Those are the northerns. We don't with them. You guys don't get along? No. Have you guys been fighting? A little bit. A little bit. They kind of look down on the south. Oh, they do. That's such a shame. Especially Pakistan. India. Like, why are people who smell the same fighting so much? You know? It's like, really? That's what I'm saying. They smell the same. That's what I'm saying. And why can't you just all kill each other? And then it'll be just an open land for good people. It's. It's gonna happen. I'm kidding. Jesus Christ. I don't know why I'm saying I'm kidding. The Internet clip probably ended 12 seconds ago, and I said the thing, and now I'm in trouble again. Gonna get bigger now. Oh, Madison Square Garden again. Getting big already are doing Madison Square Garden. All right. So, Philip, tell me, what do you do for fun? What does an Indian. What does a Mali do for fun, man? Give me Molly. All of the details. I'll be making Mali chicken curry. Oh, yeah, I'll be making chicken curry. I've been eating some lately. Have you guys heard of this clay pit? The only one that knows. That's not good. That's like fusion white. Oh, it's so good. You know what I'm talking about. That's a Mexican boy. What are you talking. He has literally no idea. He knows less than anybody. He's a Mexican boy in a long horn shirt, mixing. Missing a front tooth. He literally. What was that? Why'd you just point to your boy like that? You called that? I was going to guess that you had a missing front tooth. Happy you saw it. I just didn't think you'd see it. I can see it. I see that. Missing tooth, buddy. Congratulations. He's like, I had no idea. I didn't think you'd see it. We were talking about it. Yeah, dude, I can spot a missing tooth from a mile away, cuz I know to avoid those people. All right, Philli, what do you do for fun? I just do. I. So I got banned, like a year ago. From where? Creek in the Cave. Sunset Strip, Cap City. Oh, you got banned from everywhere I got up. It's not a good sign. Brian Simpson. It was for ending all his sets with an elaborate dance number. Explain how you get banned. And from the other big clubs in the city. Philli. Dude, I was at Banana Phone. I did a joke and it went great. Okay. The next day, they. What was the joke? Let me just. It was. I can't go too much into it. What the do you mean? I'll tell you. I'll tell you what could you possibly. Does it end in the nword? Oh, I just said. Yeah. While I said that, I. He Just looked at Brian Simpson, he goes, don't get mad at me. So yes, it does. Right? I mean, it's the only thing, as we've learned with Kanye. It's the only thing you can say to where it's like, it's very Kanye related. It was a joke about how Hitler stole the swastika. Yeah, just tell the joke. How the, how the did you get banned from every. I can't imagine how bad it could be. It was the visual elements that I included in the joke for benevolent. Is it okay? Tell the joke. Tell the joke. Tell the joke. We'll see if it's unacceptable. We'll blur it or edit it or whatever we have to do. Sure, sure. So, so Hitler stole the swastika. Y' all know about this? Yeah, Ancient Hindu symbol. It means kill the Jewish. It means peace and well being. But like the, for, for America to learn about the swastika from Hitler, it's kind of, kind of. It's like learning about rap from Macklemore. It's not the real, not the real thing. Right. And that's when I had the visual element. We're taking the swastika back. It was a Hindu swastika. And I was like, brown power. We're taking it back. It went great. It went amazing. Next day, the owner was like, hey, you held my audience hostage. And you are banned for life from Sunset, Creek, Creek and the Cape. And then Sunset got included in cap. She reached out to them. So though I, I, So you're not banned from Sunset. Yeah, I just went back like three months ago. They said, there you go. Look at Red Band with his open first amendment. I remember that. Like, I, I, I heard about it. I wasn't the one that did that. And yeah, but you are Hindu. Yeah. So you can have a Hindu symbol. Yeah, it's the, it's the Indian swastika. That's the whole bit is that he stole it. Y' all don't know this. I'm trying to tell y' all. Trust me. It, I get it. Having your jokes taken out of context and getting in trouble for it is something that I understand. It's a, ain't it? It is. It is. And look at that. You didn't stop. That's really hard to get banned by the Creek, by the way. It really is. There's. Especially at Banana Phone. Like, if you've seen it, it's wild. But yeah, that, that's, that's the big. That's been going on. I've never been banned from a Building. So it's weird. Well, how about an airline? All right, Philip, we like your style, buddy. It was a fun set, a fun interview. What? Thank you. Thank you. There you go. Boom. All right. There goes Philip, Abraham. Phillip. What's your. What's. What's your social media? Come shout it out since you're banned from places. Sure. My social media is. Phil is funny. That's what my mom says. Thank you. Phil is funny. Wow. That's a. That's a very much wanted handle this Father's Day at Lowe's. Score. Free gifts for the greatest dad. Right now, get a free select dewalt Craftsman or cobalt tool with purchase of a select battery kit. Plus, get a free Werner 2 foot aluminum ladder when you buy an 8 foot fiberglass ladder. Shop these deals and more. This Father's Day at Lowe's, we help you Save. Valid through615. Wall supplies. Last selection, mirrors by location. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want is a great feeling. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state. All right, your next bucket poll. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody. Donna Lee. Hi, everybody. My mom is Thai. My dad's Irish, so I'm Tyrish. My mom and I fight a lot. My mom's about this tall and she's brown, and she's mean. And we argue a lot about things like she wants to be called Oriental. And I'm like, mom, that's kind of racist. People don't want to hear Oriental. They want to call you Asian. And she says, donna, I am from Oriental. Oriental. So we're in HEB fighting this out, right? And the woman who's our cashier is trying to help my mom. So she's getting a little louder, trying to say that my mom might understand her. So she's screaming to my mom and trying to be a little louder because if you're louder, people understand English better, right? So we're at HEB and my mom and I are standing, we're fighting at the cashier. And the cashier leans over to my mom. She goes, Your total is 2515. Thank you for shopping. Like, she's not a deaf Mexican. She's a mean ass oriental lady. Thank you. That's my minute. Thank you. Thank you. Donna Lee, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, right? Yes, first time. How long you been with standup? I started in 2006 and did stand up for about five years and took about 12 years off to race them children. Okay. Problem came back a year ago. How many children? Three kids. One son and two stepsons. Okay. Yes. I knew she was a stepmom. I knew, like, y' all. You knew it too, right? You felt it. Do I give that energy? Stepmom energy? No doubt about it. Yes. Is it? Yeah. There's no question. Have you ever gotten stuck in a washing machine? Have I ever gotten stuck? Probably. Probably. Have any of your stepsons ever taken advantage of the situation? You got nice tits for a step up. Thank you. I'm just saying what I see. Hell, yeah. I paid a lot of money for them. They should be nice. She looked like she mostly titties. Yeah. She mostly titties, actually. Yeah. Yep. Half Irish, half Thai, 80% tits. That's right. The math, you know, the math is cool. You gotta do what you gotta do to stand out. I love it. You're killing. How old are the tits? They are about 20 years old. Wow. 20 years old. Look at that. They're ready to move out on their own. I'm a leader. I'm a leader. I love. I actually know Carlos. Oh, Carlos. Wow, look at that. Oh, look who's playing the little horny over there, huh? Look at that. Sometimes. I didn't even know we had that spotlight. We've been waiting two years to get Carlos in trouble, I guess. Holy. Look at the reflection off the top of that head. Oh, my God. God. Sorry. Carlos. How do you know Carlos? One of her stepsons. You want to tell them? So stupid, but it's hilarious. Should I tell them or you tell them? Oh, my God. Can I break hippa? I'm going to break a hippa rule here. I met Carlos at a clinic. Whoa. Oh, shit. That's so much fucking worse right there. I know. It's so bad. What kind of. It was actually just an allergy clinic. He had allergies, so. Oh, okay. Kind of boring. But he was touring with Jason Mraz at the time. Okay. And he. Yeah, he was very cool. He had some sort of shirt on that had a saxophone or something. And I was surprised when you were passing by, just meeting Carlos, that he had enough time to tell you that he was touring with Jason Mraz. It's crazy. See? Almost seems like. Almost seems like he was trying to he like. Hey, did Carlos. Hey, nice to meet you. I tour with Jason. Mr. I sing, too. Hell, yeah. Good story. He's touched those vintage titties. Oh, yeah. No, he went from so to so sos. Yeah. No, he was very professional. We had a very nice talk about him playing saxophone because I play saxophone in college. Oh, so you have a. You're able to. I can blow. You can blow. All right, there it is. So, Donna, what are we talking about? You have a. You with a man. You have a steady relationship? Of course. I have a husband. He's lovely. And he's gonna watch this and be mortified. Absolutely. He is Giannis. And he's rich. Look at that ring she's got on. Oh, yeah, that's. That's my small ring. You should see the bigger one. Wow. You have a bigger ring that you wear when you're not going into 6th Street. Yes, that is true. Smart. I am smart. You're a smart lady. So are the kids all grown up now? They're all grown. 22, 23, 24. This is my comeback story, y' all. I'm gonna start crying. I'm very happy to be here. I will cry. Tell us more about that. When you say comeback story, what do you mean? I was doing comedy in 2006. I was on Search for the Funniest mom in America. I was a finalist. And Leanne Morgan was on season one. I was on season two. Wow. And so I did comedy for about five years, and then I quit to raise those ratty ass children. No, I'm kidding. I love them. Found a new husband. I had to teach him how to cook and things like that. So I quit for about 12 years. On hiatus for 12 years. I came back last May at about this time, and I just headlined Dallas Comedy Club, and I couldn't be more proud as a human being doing my dream. Look at you. Absolutely incredible. Hey, hey, hey, Tony. Yeah. Brian Simpson. I just want to point out, I know Leanne Morgan, and she is a comedy star that's selling out arenas and arenas, and she did it, but she raised the family at the same time. I couldn't do that. You just quit for no reason. She was doing comedy, raising children. I was doing comedy and had a very stressful job. Yeah, you had the weight of the world on your chest. Yeah, I had to redback. Do you remember one of your old jokes? Like, your old, best joke that. That got you, like, you know? I do. Yeah. I remember the one that got me on the show. Oh, let's do it. Why don't you guys want to hear her best joke? Okay, it's. It was clean comedy because it was a nick at night. But my parents have a little ranch in Lockhart. Anybody familiar with Lockhart, Texas? So my mom, with her very heavy accent, she was collecting little farm animals in Lockhart. And she called me one day at work, and she said, donna, Donna, today we have a new donkey. His name Abel. He's so very, very cute. He four feet tall. He's so cute, but he's so loud. He all day. I said, mom, I'm at work. I can't talk to you right now. And she said, you listen to me. We have a new donkey today. His name Abel. He four feet tall. He's so very, very cute, but he's so loud. He. He all day. I said, mom, I have to go. And she kept saying, he's so cute. He's so cute. I said, mom, I have to go to work. And she kept. She got very upset with me, but I hung up the phone. Before I hung up, I said, mom, let the ass do his job. She had never heard that word in that context. And she said, he not call you name. You don't have to call him name. And I said, no, no, no, mom, it means ass. It's donkey means mule. It's in the Bible. It's not a bad word. So a few days goes by, and I called her at work, and she sounds a little sad. And I said, mom, what's wrong? And she said, everybody laugh at me today. I not know why. And I said, trust me, old woman. It was something you said. I said, what did you say today at work? And she said, no, no. I talk about how cute my ass is, but it makes so much noise. Wow, Donna, thank you. You gonna do it, Red Band. Love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Boom boom on a real show. And you're leaving her with a big joke book to go with those fucking tits of yours. Donna Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Donna Lee. Comedy. All right, let's get one more. Let me just say there's no way her stepsons don't jerk off to her tits. Oh, totally. Totally. There's a lot of people going to jerk off right now, obviously. I just saw a little boy cross right in front of me to go jerk off. I'm pretty sure little boy and a wife beater. Little boy in a tank top going to the boys room. All right, let's get one more bucket pull up here. We've been having fun tonight. How Many of you like when comedians do good on this show. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right. About 50. 50. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night. It's Kelly Lusk. Kelly Lusk. Hey, everybody. Sorry. Let me. Okay, so. All right, one more time for Kelly Lusk, everybody. So I grew up looking like this. Apparently I was a Samoan boy when I was a little girl. It's every little girl's dream, right? And that bitch is my sister. She used to tell me they found me in a trash can in Mexico. Fuck her, right? And it's really apparent here who's more loved, right? You know, like, she's got a frilly little shirt and her golden blonde hair, and they're like, oh, there's no hope for Kelly, so let's give her a mullet and a bowl cut. And my mom got so tired of answering questions when we were in public, so she made me start wearing a sign that said, no, I'm not adopted. No, my dad is not Mexican, and yes, I belong to this white family. That's it. Wow. Exactly a minute. Very rarely is a physical presentation funny, but you. That was hilarious. You're welcome, Brian Simpson. Yo. She blows. Is that the first time in Kill Tony history somebody did like a one woman show for their minutes? Yeah, I think so. I'm really blown away by that. That's impressive to the. Thank you. I don't know if it was a one woman. It might be a one they them show or something. That's funny. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. So how long you been see her? But know I love it. Okay. All right. I liked you a second ago. Don't ruin it. Oh, the guy with the American flag shirt's leaving. All it takes is one they them reference. I'm out here. This. I thought this. I thought this was a first Amendment show. God, they're giving bulldox opportunities here. Wow. So. So, okay, so you gotta have a different dad, right? Same mom, same dad. Shut the fuck up. What the fuck? What did they do, eat chalupas and tequila before they made you? Like, wow. What exactly have the doctors talked about this? This is a fucking anomaly. That is incredible. You are the best big brother any little sister's ever had. This is amazing. I'm pretty sure that boy was on the show earlier talking about froggy style, wasn't he? Is that Michael Ridley? Oh, my God. It's very rare we have the same comedian on twice in one episode, but that man was here. I Recognize that man? If that was a police sketch, I would go, oh, he was on my show. I know exactly who's going around raping people froggy style. I know that, man. Why were you so orange? Like, what the. You're not that orange anymore. Honestly, the only thing I can say is I grew up in a time where we were outside and we didn't believe in sunscreen, so. Absolutely. That's my world. We have no idea. We don't know why I was so much darker than my family. So I love that. We just. It's like JonBenet Ramsey and JonBenet Goodman. That is an incredible duo of sisters. I cannot believe what I'm seeing. I've never really seen anything quite like it. So. Boy, oh boy. Brian Simpson. So. So you telling me your mother never had you visit an uncle that you couldn't tell your dad about? Nope. No. And you must have asked them about this, like. Oh, I asked all the time if I was adopted. For sure I'd be like, I. I don't look like you. I rolled around in baby powder one time and I came out and I was like, I'm white. Like, Mommy. Wow. It's a true story. So what is your ethnicity? What's dad? We're just American mutts. I mean, there's like, wow. And. Okay, so what do you do for work now? What's that? What do you do for work? I'm an executive assistant. So, yeah, like, I get to work and do the work for big wigs in corporate America that don't know how to make PDFs and they make perfect. What does your sister do for work? Is she single? She. Oh, Jesus. Red band Christ, dude. Oh, you're disgusting. Jesus. That's been a while. Yeah, it's been a long time since we've done a trash can. You guys want to do it? 1, 2, 3. Trash can. It's been so long, they don't even know. There's a lot of people that started working watching within the last four years. That's an old thing. He used to say super disgusting all the time. And now we've slowly tamed him down and the show became a wild success. So it's amazing how those things work. Incredible. Okay, so what does she do now? She's a stay at home mom. Ah. See, she ended up being a do nothing while you're out there working with and high successful people. That's right. Well, Tony, they knew when they took that picture which one was gonna have to work the hardest. Wait, I. I Have. I have an uncle and I. I brought this picture out and I was like, hey, Uncle Johnny, remember when I used to look like this? And he was like, we were worried about you, Kelly. But I got news for you. Uncle Johnny's your friend Father. Yeah. I'm about to say there's no way your mom didn't another guy at some point that's not. You guys don't have the same dad. Your mom a very fat, mo like guy? Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps a Molly Ali. You guys have done a DNA test of some kind. Have you tested this? No. But you can tell now as we're older that we look alike. That was my next question. This was definitely not the case. Growing up is incredible. Do you always. Have you done this before with that picture on stage? I've done it once before and it worked. Yeah. So obviously it works. I guarantee if you take a 23andMe, they're going to catch a murderer in Alaska. It is. It is incredible. It looks like you were photoshopped into a better looking family picture. It looks like. It looks like you covering up a happy mom and dad somewhere. Proud mother and father. It is amazing. Okay, so you live here in Austin? Yeah, born and raised. Ooh. Lived here my whole life. I'm a true unicorn. Okay. Absolutely. What do you do for fun? Tell us what some of your favorite Austin pastimes are. Honestly, there's too many people. I don't do any of the Austin stuff anymore. I already did all that stuff and it's just too crowded now. Well, what do you do? Oh, well, I like to paint. You stay at home and paint? I stay at home with paint. Okay, this is getting very sad. Very. No, no, no, it's good. There's too many people. I do nothing now. Okay, what else other than painting? What do you paint? It's like a textured art thing. It's complicated. Okay. Yeah. I like to write jokes. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And you perform a lot? This is my fourth time ever doing a stand up. Wow, look at that. Well, you know. You know what's funny? That's fun. What's your love life like, Kelly? I have a boyfriend. Okay. What does he do? He's an engineer. All right. Okay. Big people are very. Oh, engineer. The fat girl, not an engineer. I'm just kidding. Just kidding, Just kidding. I wonder how two kids were you, like, addicted to a specific kind of candy or something? There had to be something that you and your sister were doing differently back then. There had to be something, like you knew where they hid the Snacks or something like that. You love carrots. Why? Because I'm orange? I think it's just the picture. You're also just a little bit bigger than her. Yes. I don't exactly think it was carrots that did it. Definitely not carrots. I would say lots of that was a Garfield joke. Put that mic down. Red band. Very good, Very good. Let's stick with this sound effect effects there. All right. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go crazy? No, I. No, no. I think you're very pretty. Oh, thank you. Wow. You look like you like Rosie o' DONNELL before she became a dude. You know, that's true. That is true. And I agree. Yeah, there's no crying. I. I do have a joke and it's for this. It's. I look like the love child of the rock and Rosie o' donnell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see that. So do all your jokes require you to be holding that picture? No. Okay, but it's just a good. It's a good solid one. So Brian Simpson is going to go home and jerk off to all the contestants on this show like, damn, there's a lot of fine ass on this show. Show. I like what I. I likes what I like. Yeah, Just give me a white girl that hates herself. Kelly Lus, that was fantastic. Your interview was great. Great presentation. I like it. There's a big joke book. Hell of a catch. Truly a Texan with that right hand swipe picture in the left. How about one more time for Austin Zone. Kelly Lusk, ladies and gentlemen. What a goddamn show. Did you guys have fun tonight? There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with undoubtedly the hall of famer with the record for most all time appearances and interviews. The man who God himself says favorite comedian. A man who when he goes to the dog park, King Charles lays down and begs for his mercy. Some people call him the Memphis Church Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. Remember when they stormed Osama bin Laden's safe house and they claim they found pornos? I'm starting to think he was just watching Diddy and a burka. Texas just banned the sale of all marijuana products. And the Republicans seem very excited. You know who else is very excited? The cartels. Daft Punk is releasing a new anime movie. It's called Nerd Alert. But seriously, you can tell Daft Punk are French robots because they smoke cigarettes and cheat on their wives. The price of eggs is so high. I Started selling my girlfriends. Okay, Tony, that's my time. Wow. A force of nature has done it again. These people, sometimes they've been doing it for years, sometimes they've been doing. Been doing it for months. Sometimes they take a break to raise kids. And meanwhile, every time, somehow, no one shakes the room quite like you do. Isn't it something? Again and again, a man so beloved, so likable, that he just comes in and absolutely dominates. Let's talk about it, William. Tony, it was so scary coming in here today. It was storming outside and I get right to the back door and I see a. A thing of lightning and hear a loud clap of thunder. Right when I got to the back door, it was really scary, Tony. And then what happened? And I banged on the door and somebody let me in. I was like, oh, my God, it's raining out there, y' all. It's like stormin out there, man. Get me out of there. Do you like the rain? Yes, I love the rain. It's really good for the plants. It's good for all the plants. And I love. You have the rain. You have a lot of plants. Yeah, I got some in my bedroom. What are some of your favorite plants that you have? Oh, I mean, I got a pretty good pothos right now. Aloe plant, something called a prayer plant. You think it's dead, but then it comes back to life. Life. What else? I got some sort of Peace Lily, and that's about. You got a Peace Lily? I don't know why it was hard to say that. Yeah, I got a Peace Lily. How long have you had this Peace Lily, Tony? Maybe 12 months. Wow. Yeah. You mean one year. A year fed the Peace Lily. Sorry. I feed it in monthly installments, so it's ages and months in my head. Okay. I love it. Amazing. William. Wow. Are you looking forward to getting any more plants? Ooh, yeah, Tony. I mean, I've been thinking about maybe a cactus. Yeah, cactus. Maybe the crowd. And a fern. A bonsai. Somebody else help me. Hurry. Can somebody else please give me another plane? Tony, this is embarrassing. I thought I knew more plants. Dude, it seems like the crowd fucking loves it. Every time you say a plant, they get very excited. Maybe around Christmas time you're going to get a amaryllis. And if Texas ever approves it, maybe a marijuana. Yeah, okay. That's right. We got to get Governor Abbott to straighten out his act. We. We need that to be legal. Name some more plants. I'm already struggling, Tony. It's already kind of embarrassing. Just fur. Maybe A fuse. Wandering Jew. Wait, no. You pizza Jew. Wandering Jew. That doesn't sound right. Wandering Jew. How'd you get me with that, sir? Oh, banana plants. No, red band. Nah, that's a stupid one. That's a tree. Yeah, that's a tree. Yeah, that's a tree. Yeah. Name some more plants that you might be interested in getting around Christmas time. Maybe a red leafed plant known as a monstera. Wait, no, hold on. What was that one again? What did you say? Plant with red leaves around Christmas time. Poinsettia. Close enough will allow the. That mistletoe. I hate this. Tony. Oh, it's so good. The horns. The horns. Joining the fray and playing sadly if you're not committed or don't say it correctly. And playing loudly and excitedly if you nail the name of the plant. Why don't you just think of some types of things that you see outside or. Those are basically plants. Lance. Right. Like a. Like maybe a William. William O. Tree. Wait, Tony. How about a magnolia tree? What about a poultry? Tony. And then maybe a bush of some. Yeah, a bush. Are you ever going to stop loving? Playing I don't think I'm ever going to stop loving. William Montgomery has done it again. The king. The king Charles of kil. Tony William Montgomery. This has been another episode brought to you by expressvpn via an incognate Janice. Dennis Pappas has his new YouTube special at the History Hyenas YouTube location. It is called property owner. It was filmed here at the mothership. You know what else was filmed here at the mothership? Live from the mothership. Brian Simpson, a super regular, one of the great comedians that had the balls to move here from Los Angeles to Austin and since then performs in theaters and arenas all over around the world. Get tickets at Brian Simpson comedy.com We have ladies and gentlemen, tonight, before you leave, we have both of the artists here tonight. Ryan J E Belt has been drawing every episode since the earliest episodes. And that's Giannis and Brian Simpson, everybody. It kind of looks like. It kind of looks like that girl and her sister. Absolutely beautiful. Brian. You've never looked better, Brian. He even opened your eyes a little bit just for the sake of. Hey, let me get that. Let me get that. Can I, can I get that? Well, it looks like I adopted a black baby. I'm a hero. Chris Rogers, what'd you draw tonight, buddy? The local legend. Oh, Casey. Rocket playing basketball. Ryan je belt.com for every print. You'll see these guys in the lobby on your way out. Red band out secret show every Thursday. Sunsetstripatx.com I love you guys. We will see you at Madison Square Garden, and that episode will be on a large streaming platform. Have fun, everybody. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everyone. Folks, it's Espresso Martini. Espresso. Espresso Martini. Martini. Espresso. Espresso Martini. Espresso. Espresso Martini. Martini. Mike. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.