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Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Raymond coming to you live from the Vulcan gas company here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hit Square. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Wow, what an amazing response. A lot of crossed arms in the house tonight. Very exciting. This one is a red band, everybody. And how about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, huh? That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa. This is Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And that is D Madness on the bass guitar. Ladies and gentlemen, very exciting, very sober crowd here tonight. Very exciting. It seems very tight in here. Should be fun. How do you guys feel? Is everybody okay? All right, good. Before we get tonight's episode started, which is brought to you by expressvpn via an incogni, here's a little bit more from the other amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile Unlimited premium wireless. How to better get 30, 30. Better get 30. Get 20. 20, 20. Better 20, 20. Maybe 15. 15, 15, 15. Just 15 bucks a month. Sold. 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Save up to 50% with minimum purchase at blinds.com, rules and restrictions may apply. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? All right. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week is no different. It's a very, very exciting, special episode in which one of the panelists is one of the most famous comedians in the history of the show. A kill Tony hall of famer. And the other one, it is her very first time on panel. She is in the front running position of having the joke of the year. So this is a big deal, watching someone be elev from the bucket to the panel. Make some noise for tonight's panel, ladies and gentlemen, it is the roast God. David Lucas and Christina Mariani, everybody. Her first time on panel, one of the best joke writers and performers in Austin, Texas. And there he is, my best friend and arch nemesis, David Lucas. For those of you that don't know, we make fun of each other famously. I think it's over, like 2000 hours. I've called you gay. So much people believe it. It's true. I've called you fat, so much people believe it, including your doctor. So it's very. The only thing I don't think I'm fat is d. Madness. Because he can't see. I think he can hear it just right. D. Does David sound fat to you? Strong head nod. The glass is lit up for that one. David Lucas has a podcast fishing with David. He's on tour. Davidlucascomedy.com and make some noise. Her first time on panel, one of the most famously nervous comedians in the world here joining us for the entire episode, Christina Mariani. Say hi to everybody, Christina. Hi. Can we juice up that mic a little bit? What is that? Mic three. Say hi again. Hi. Yeah. There she is. Look at that. Adorable. Christina is here. She's on tour as well. Christinamariani.com, one of the biggest jokes ever in the show's history. Famously, she right. Black guy crossing the street. Yeah. And then you think she crosses the street because she thinks that the black guys. Wait. No. I fucked it up. Yeah. You know it. We'll put. We'll put it in right here. It's right here. I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me, and instinctively I grab my purse, even though logically, I know he's not for sale. He did steal my wallet, though. And now we're back. All right, Christina, welcome to the show. You've seen it, you've been on it multiple times. Over 185 people tonight. Little bit less signups here at Vulcan Gas Company than at the mothership. Only about 20 or 30 less, but it's going down. It's happening right now live. They signed up. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them and we figure out more about them. Absolutely. Anything can happen. The entire thing's improvised, and it should be a lot of fun. You guys ready to start tonight's show? This place doesn't have the rock and roll energy that it used to have. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Yes. Very good. Let's get some. Why don't you guys order some fucking shots of tequila or something? Loosen up a little bit. It's a fucking. I can tell there's a lot of West Lake people, that a lot of rich kids made the drive to be here tonight. Trying to go to a fancy dinner after this or something. I don't know what's happening, but let's have some fun. We're gonna start the show with the bang. One of Our longest ever 10 year golden ticket winners, ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, this is Enrique Chacone, everybody. Enrique, everyone. Wow. Oh, excited. Make some noise for Enrique. Hey, everybody. Vulcan, what the fuck's up? My girlfriend, she froze her eggs recently for family planning, right? Turns out that shit cost $14,000, man. I guess these egg prices really are high nowadays, you know what I'm saying? I could tell who's been shopping, dude. I heard a Spaniard guy speak Spanish in Texas and that shit didn't sit right with me, man. It sounded gay as fuck. Like, bro, that sounds like the British battle rap of Spanish. You know, I'm used to that Mexican Spanish in Texas, you know, where it sounds like a weed whacker starting them. Hola, como Esta como estel ale como. You know, if the Spanish doesn't sound like a car missing his catalytic converter, man, I don't want to hear it, dude. Anyways, that's been my time, bro. Thank you so much. Exactly one minute. Nailing it on the time tonight. Welcome back, Enrique. Thank you, Tony. Did your girl really freeze her eggs? She did. And I know the doctor was all up in her vagina, bro, and it made me uncomfortable, dude. Really? Is the doctor a guy? It was a guy. A white guy. Oh, boy. Somehow that made it worse. If you could have any type of guy inspecting your girlfriend's vagina, what kind of guy would it be if you could pick your own gynecologist? Probably one of like those. Those from Thailand, bro. What do they call them? Those boy toys? Not a boy toy. God damn it, Red. Yeah, lady boy. I'll have a lady boy do that procedure, bro. You know. So you would like a feminine man to do it? That or me, which I think I qualify as a feminine man. What the. That's true. Fat tits. There they are. That'll be a dollar bill. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Sweating profusely, as always. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it wasn't gonna happen today, bro. I sweat it out in the morning, dude. You know what I'm saying? Doing chores, cutting wood and, bro. But now, dude, I'm still dripping. You cut wood? Yeah. For what? For bonfires. Marshmallows, dude. Marshmallows. Melted chocolate. It's all the snacks for you. Nothing that has anything to do with, like, nature, sustenance. It's just. Sure, sure. Nature's cool, too. Yeah. Hell yeah. So you cut wood and then you make s' mores. Make s' mores, dude. Or put some chicken on a stick, bro. Throw it in the coals, you know. Chicken on a stick. Yeah. You've done that? Yeah, I'm Latino, bro. We barbecue, dude. And you put it on a stick. Put it on a steak. Sheesh. Kebab. I think that's how you say it, dude. You know my English. My English. Sheesh kebab, dude. I am chicken on a stick. Wow. Do you dip the chicken in something? You go just straight sweet raised barbecue sauce. You know what I'm saying, David? Sweet. I don't. I'm shocked, all right? I'm just happy that there's another fat guy. Tony. Gross. Hey, you know what? You made me feel a little self conscious too, you know. I thought you were going to say you dipped the chicken in your sweat. That's disgusting. All right. Come on, this ain't India anyway. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. Y' all them Instagram reels are ridiculous, all right? Wow. So you cut wood. What are some more chores that you do? I can't picture you doing any of this, by the way. This is why I stopped drinking, dude. You know What? I have 17 animals at my property right now that I have to feed, man. Can I get some of them food stamps, bro? Because it's tough, dude. I have six goats right now, dude. I have four chickens, two ducks, four cats, four dogs, and two squirrels, apparently, that I'm feeding, dude. Well, I mean, we all have squirrels, but yeah. Why do you have two ducks? Two. I don't know, man. There was just so cute at the tractor supply, bro. You know what I mean? I just had to get them, dude. And now I'm waiting. They just kind of run around and hang out with each other. No, I live in. I live in the backwoods of Austin, right in the country. So, like, man, I have coyotes and hawks, and so they have to be like, securely locked down, you know. It's very like post apocalyptic survival, you know, kind of thing. Huh? And it's be. Be taking care of all of them, bro. I'm a good Latino father dog. You guys do always have big families. Let's talk about the squirrels for just a second here, because that one stood out to me. They just kind of stumbled in the neighborhood. Or do you have like, tags on them? You keeping track of them? Man, I have this one squirrel, dude. She comes in front of my window every day, bro. And she's pregnant too, right? It's not mine. And she got like the biggest fucking areolas on her, bro. Oh, shit. I've been staring at this squirrel for like 30 minutes a day, 40 minutes a day, you know, before I actually have to go and do the shit that I have to do, you know, to make some money. Wow. Absolutely incredible. How. What are you planning on doing with the squirrel babies when they come? I don't know. Hopefully they can help me with some of these house chores, you know what I'm saying? Nothing, just. Probably just feeding everybody, bro. I'm a Latino, man, but I also feel like a abuelita inside, you know, Just want to feed everything. You are adorable, Christina. You're a quiet, sweet little spirit. Have you ever seen anybody sweat quite as much as Enrique Chacon is sweating right now? No, but I think he wins. I don't know. Listen, Christina, look. AI Generated, bro. Get the Fuck out of here, dog. She AI up in here, bro. You just have to refresh her browser to get addressed and shit. This took me about an hour, bro. I'm like, nah, I'm not gonna wear that mint green shirt, dude. Everybody's gonna seal my sweats up to down my titties right here. Anyways, you're a wet front. Yeah, wet front. You son of a. All right, Enrique, you're a golden ticket winner. You got it all going for you. You got the show started. Congratulations. Thank you, man. So much. Appreciate y' all. And here we go. To the Bucket. To the Bucket we go. Your first name, we're gonna meet them all together. This looks like. I feel like we've seen this person before. Make some noise for Rachel McMillan, everybody. Rachel McMillan. Rachel. Here's Rachel McMillan, everybody. Make some noise for Rachel. I'm adopted. I was raised by white people, but I'm Mexican. I'm not sure if I came with any papers, so my favorite sport is cross country because I'm Mexican. My mom taught me how to mow a lawn before she taught me about safe sex. That's why I have two kids and a bald pussy. Growing up, my dad would punish me by spanking me with his fraternity paddle. Now, I can't come without being hazed, but I can read classical Greek. All right. My family, they love Disney World. They've been to Disney World, like, eight times. They've even been to the Disney World in Japan, but they're getting a little out of control. They have a transgender whale now. They named him maybe Dick. All right, thank you so much, guys. All right, Rachel McMillan. All right, Rachel. Hi. Hey. How long you been doing stand up comedy? Four years. Four years. Where at? Out of Houston, Texas. All of it in Houston? Yes. That's where you're from? Yes, sir. And that's where you live now? It is, yeah. Do you have a family? I do. Okay, tell us about them. What's that like? I have two teenage boys. We talked about it last time that I was on the show. You made endless fun of me for maybe me not knowing if I was the mother of them, because I. Why would. I'm a recovering addict. Oh, yeah. I said one of the weirdest things about getting sober is you find out you have kids, Right? Yeah. Okay. Yes. It's all coming back to me now. Sure. What were you addicted to? What do you got? Okay. I was, like, addicted to pain medication mixed with a little bit of heroin, if you. Okay, yeah, we can all relate to that. What was your Bottom. When did you know that you needed help? Really? God, Are you still on heroin? No, I'm not. Nine years sober. No. I guess one year sober. Nine. Yeah. Nine. Yes, sir. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. I was gonna say one year sober. The shit could be over tonight here on 6th Street. Fingers crossed. I guess I just. You just know when you've had enough. Like, it just. It didn't. I was done. I was just done. I'd been to rehab maybe one too many times, I don't know. But. Yeah. And what do you do now to fill the time in the space of the greatest feeling in the world? Being on heroin? Have you tried it? No, I just know. No, I know. Okay. I know because that's why I haven't tried it. Because I know that if I tried it, I would just do it all the time. Yeah. Obviously you didn't know that before you tried it. That's what you. I've heard rumors that it's the greatest thing in the world from everybody that's tried it. Good. It is. I actually recently started drifting. Drifting? Cars? No way. Wow. How did you get into that? Are you dating a Persian guy? I'm actually dating or engaged to a guy who's 16 years younger than me. So if I do my math correctly, I've been sucking dick longer than he's been alive, so. Wow. I've been saving to say that. That's incredible. Where'd you meet this guy at? I met him through friends, actually. We went to a haunted house on our first date. A haunted house was your first date? It wasn't our first date, but it's how we met. Did you make a move at the haunted house? Yeah, I put on a mask and I was like, I'm your new mom. No, I. I did not make a move on him then. No. Have you always been into younger guys or is this a new thing? I mean, I guess this is a new thing. Yeah. 16 years is quite the age gap. What do you notice that's different between dating a guy 16 years younger than you and a normal guy? A normal guy? Yeah. Like a guy you're age. Like a guy that's mature. I don't know, I just. I think that there's a lot of. He has a lot of great qualities. Good moral compass, same path. What does he do for work? He's actually a roofer. He works for a roofing company. Has his own company. Wow. Yeah. Incredible. My goodness. I could see why that would work out. Hey, it's working out pretty well. We're Doing all right. He works on roofs. You've hit bottom before. That's right. Okay. Rachel, how do you make money? I work as a paralegal. Yeah. In the legal field. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And what do you. What. What are these kids up to? How old are they again? 18 and 19. Okay, so what are they doing? Are they in school? One is actually trying to go to aviation school, so. Okay. And the other one. You guys love getting high in your family? This is about as high as you can get. Yeah, it's flying. What's the other one up to the distance? Disappointing one. He's not disappointing. I know. If aviation school's first, the other one's trying. Mom's old fucking Vicodin. I mean, he just likes to have girlfriends and make my life a living hell with his girlfriends. Explain to us. There's a lot of moms out there that love this show. Explain to us how the sun is making your life hell. Okay. Well, one of the first things he said when he started dating this hooker. No, this girl. This very nice girl. Sorry, hooker's name is Chelsea. He. He said, don't be real. Why don't you like the girl? I don't dislike her. I just don't like. Definitely don't like her. There's no point in, like, trying to backtrack now. Hey, man, she's already seen this part of the show she's watching right now, and she's like, well, whatever she says next can't be worse than that. I bought. Okay, you already called her a hooker, Literally in front of millions of people. You see that little red light out there? I see the red light. Yeah. She's watching you through that. Okay, what she. I bought my kids LSU sweatshirts. Cause they're a big LSU family on the dad's side. And she took it. You know, she took the sweater. I had to go to the house and make a big scene about getting the sweater back. It's like a hoodie. It's a hoodie. Yeah. So you're mad because you gave your son a hoodie? Because there's a lot of, you know, conflict between the two. And they've been off and on for a couple of years, so. And the first thing that. One of the first things she said was like, I'm on birth control. Don't worry. And I'm like, you're can't even drive a car yet. Fuck you. You know? Wait, she can't drive a car? Well, I'm just saying she's so young and she's Telling me she's on birth control. I'm getting already a little frustrated. This is very good. I'm glad that we're talking about this. I love this. I think I'm crushing this interview, by the way. So she told you that she's on birth control? She's like, hey, everything. Don't worry, Mom. Don't worry. I'm on birth control. And you were like. You didn't like that? Don't you think that she was comfortable enough to share with you that and that she's just telling you? Well, he chimed in, like, later on, don't worry, Mom. She's. And I'm like, this is a conversation that you and I can have, apart from, you know, you just telling me. That's, like, the first great thing about this girl now. Well, I mean, it is pretty awesome, you know, where's. The guy's out in there, bro. Everybody loves nutting inside of things, dude. And your son does, too. How does that make you feel, knowing that your son is blasting loads into a woman that you call a hooker? Sometimes? I bet he blasts inside of her, and the only thing she's wearing is that LSU hoodie that you. I hope so. It's a good college. Yeah. Every once in a while, he just. But luckily, he's not getting it on the hoodie that you're so worried about, because it's all going inside of her. That's good. Her cold vagina. All right, Rachel. Man, I blacked out. Well, fun times, Rachel. You got through it, you know, it's. You gotta. You know, I want to hear more about this. I want to hear more about the drugs and stuff. That maybe dick joke. I've heard a couple times before, but it's okay. Yeah. You know what I mean? So try to take chances. Right? Don't try to please the people. Talk about your stuff, your life. Rachel McMillan, everybody. There she goes. We're gonna keep it moving along here. This is a. This is definitely a new name. I love new names. But then again, everybody's new when you can't remember if they've been on the show before. You know what I mean? This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Watching TV without ExpressVPN is like trying to travel to the world. Without a passport, you're not gonna get very far. That's because streaming services like Netflix only show you a fraction of their huge global library of content. Netflix hides content from you based on your location, and ExpressVPN lets you change your online location so you can control where you want Netflix to think you're located. It's so easy to use. Just fire up the app and click one button to change locations. 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And if you're new to Via, get a free gift of your choice after you purchase. When they ask you where you heard about them, please support our show and tell them we sent you and enhance your everyday with Via. All right ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your next bucket pool. Nolan Gustine. Priests or drees or priest, Nolan Gusting. Priest. Make some noise for Nolan, everybody. I'm into persistent dogma. Otherwise. I'm just trying to say I'm religious. Really into the idea of group convincing other people that they're always wrong. That's a hard power to pass up. I've also been dabbling in addiction as of lately. When it comes to suspicion coming around, and it always does because you move funny and you act funny when you're high, I've come up with a master plan. I'm just gonna blame my sibling. No, he doesn't got it. The are you talking about. Shut up. Talking during people's sets. Hello, Nolan. Hey. This is exciting. We went from a former heroin addict to a current one. Very rarely does that happen on this show. Must have been a matter of minutes since you last shot up. Never tried it. You never tried heroin, buddy, you might as well. There is no reason for you to not be on heroin right now. You look like you're on heroin. You do comedy like you're on heroin, Nolan. Welcome to the show. How long have you been attempting stand up comedy? This is my third week. Third week. Okay. What made you want to start a month ago? I was a class clown growing up, and I just. I used to be afraid to do this because I just didn't want to deal with my family's judgments around it. And after many years, it just came down to fuck them. I'm gonna do me, so. Wow, look at that. I love it. Okay, David Lucas, I feel like you just killed a cat before you came here. The temu version of Jesus. That's where. Hallelujah. Yeah, that's. Bro, you have such, like, a red rum energy. It's so weird. You ever started a cult? I'm willing to. You got a van? I used to live in one. Yeah, I can tell, nigga. And you smell like it. That's. What. How old are you, Nolan? 27. 27. What do you do for work right now? I'm just a disabled comic. Okay. What's disabled about you? I went through testicular cancer a couple years ago, and I had to give up a nut for this shit. Wow. Testicular cancer. Wow. So how did you find out that you had it? Take us through the process. This is a lot of people's biggest fears. Were you showering and you felt something? Take us through the process, Nolan. All right, so this is kind of fucked up, but I shit you not. For the longest time, it was like the size of my right nut, which had the most cancer, was the size of like an avocado. It didn't hurt for a while, though, so I just didn't want to tell people about it. Sensitive subject. Even though, like, I like being funny and morbid and I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it. So eventually I start telling people and most people are saying the same thing. Get it checked out. I'm like, nah, I'll fast it away. Smoke reefer, I'm good, I don't need it. That was bullshit. So eventually went to the hospital because I woke up in just 10 out of 10 pain, screaming. The people I was living with heard me. Called my parents, who I hadn't spoke to in a while. They even said, what the hell are you doing? Get to the hospital. And that day I find it out. And even after the original diagnosis, I was still like, all right, let me ask a bunch of people, get different opinions. Holy shit. And yeah, they gave me six months to live. So I was like, I'm gonna go ahead and go with the traditional bullshit that ended up saving my life. Of course. Yes. No doubt about it. I have 14 follow up questions. If you had to guess how long it was from when you noticed originally your one testicle getting bigger than the other, all the way down to that day going to the hospital, if you had to guess ballpark how long that was. Literally ballpark. That was an accident, by the way. You had to ballpark. I didn't have the balls. Year. Two years. Yeah. I didn't have the balls to talk about it for the first year and a half. So between that and two. Wow. Incredible. And had the cancer spread to the other ball by that point? Luckily not just to the. What's the lymph nodes that are all around my body, which was pretty scary, but they said I'm in remission, so. Amazing. How long ago was this? About two and a half years ago. Two and a half years ago. And you haven't had it since? Since, not that I know of. Incredible. And the one ball acts as two right now, right? Yeah. I actually met one of the nurses along the journey and she said her brother had it and he ended up having three healthy kids, so I'm hoping I can do the same. Wow. Incredible. So you're looking forward to having children at some point? Yeah. I'm gonna get tested first or I'll just adopt because I don't want to mess nobody's future up just because I want kids. But I'd like To. You could probably find a good girl out there on birth control wearing an LSU hoodie. Brian Redband. What did your V sound like before you lost the ball? Yeah, good question. Similar. Good question. It was definitely similar. I do feel a little bit less aggressive, though, but I don't recommend it. Right. What do you do for work before this? I was doing solar panels. Okay, Solar panels. So you were out there getting a lot of sunlight? Pretty much, yeah. And the panels were underneath you, reflecting upward. Do you think this had anything to do with the cancer? That and I always wore a kill. You wore a kilt? No, I'm just playing. But yeah, that. That could have. Definitely. I wanted to, though, when I had it, because I swear to God, you do that again, I'm gonna kick you in the ball. That would be the first. What do you do for fun, Nolan? Pretty much how I look. I love to go swimming. Love to just hang out. Conversations are my favorite. I'm a wannabe philosopher, so I'm always just trying to get. See what's going on and get in the know. When you say you're a wannabe philosopher, what exactly do you mean? I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Okay. Nostra dumbass. Over here. David. I just wanna. Were you having sex while your nuts were that big? Cause I feel like I wanna fuck all the time. My balls were the size of avocados. Even worse, I was trying to do the whole NoFAP because it was after I broke up with somebody. I was doing the celibacy. What's nofap? Where you just hold in your cum and act like it gives you superpowers. That's why you got canceled? That's why you got canceled. That's an actual, actual thing. It. You didn't have cancer. Your nuts were just really full. You should have just jacked off. It would have went away. Yep. They didn't tell you that. Look, I tried all the alternatives. Jerk off, masturbate. Health advice here from your senior medical correspondent, Tony Hinchcliff. Jerk off, boys. Yes. You a vibe, though. I start a cult with you, bro. Let's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love to cosplay as Jesus and make a ruckus. Ain't cosplay. Don't cosplay mean, like, sex? Nope. What's that called? Does that work? Did Jesus have sex? I thought cosplay is when them white girls dress up with that leather and then be spanking niggas. That's bondage. I'll try that too. What's it called bondage. Oh, bondage. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, I'll cosplay. Yeah. Even if it were just pranks and just messing with people, getting old people's money, whatever. Nolan, are you doing a lot of open mics? Are you trying hard at this? Yeah, I just came down here the beginning of the month, and I've been going every week trying the different ones. Yeah, when you're doing it, get the mic closer to your mouth. Project. Go for it and look these people in their goddamn eyes. You're looking down a lot. You're being a little shy guy, but you have to look at them. You have to look at. Look. Look at them. I sure will look at them with those frightening eyes of yours, I can only look at with one eye, so it's absolutely incredible. I bet that's what your balls looked like at the end. This fucking one. One's just fucking little wobbly balls over there. All right, well, you could put this in your little nut sack where your ball used to be. There's a little joke book. Nolan Gustin, Priest. Oh, la la. Look at this, everybody. If you need help jerking off and not getting testicular cancer, pause the video now, boys, pause the video now. It's perfect. It's a bottle of water. Nothing spilled. No harm done. Heidi can do no wrong. Heidi's the best. She's smart, too. Earlier, she told me that two plus three plus two is five, and I agreed with her. She's a very smart girl. I agree with everything she says. All right, your next bucket poll is on the inside. Make some noise for Rudy Ventura, everybody. We're keeping it moving along. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Oh. Whoa. Ruthless Ruth, Rudy Ventura's coming to the stage any second. Here he comes. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Rudy Ventura. Hell, yeah. Guys, I just have some great news. I just had my first baby recently. Whoa. I don't know what you guys are clapping for. I didn't say I was gonna raise him, but I appreciate you guys for that. Shit's crazy. Shit's crazy. Since I had my son, to be honest, like, before I had my son, I was a raging alcoholic. And now I'm just an alcoholic. Cause I gotta go home to him after this shit. You know, like, before I used to, like, I used to get real fucked up. And then I'd have to, like, have to figure out, like, do I wanna get fucked up with my homeboys or do I Wanna get fucked up with my son? Or should I get fucked up with my son and then go see my homeboys? Like, either way, I don't want him drinking at home by himself. No. But, you know, it's crazy. A lot of people tell me I look Indian or Arabic. And growing up, I could never tell the difference between them, to be honest. Like, they told me Indians have red dots on their forehead because of the religion. You know, they're Hindu, and Arabs do too. But it's not because of their religion. Those guys don't realize that they have one till after they're dead. All right. Rudy Ventura. Hi, Rudy. How long you been on stand up, Rudy? Two years, right now. Two years. Where at? Dallas, Texas. What do you do for work? I do landscaping. Whoa. Okay, so that answers my next question. Cut the grass and sell it. You're Mexican? No, I'm Salvadorian. Ooh, Salvadorian. Yeah. We're like the immigrants of the immigrants. Well, I. We know. Thank you. Absolutely. So, what do your parents do? Are they here in America? Yeah, they're here in America. Hell, yeah. I fixed your papers a couple years back. They're doing great. They got a ranch in Corsicana. Okay. They taking care of the family? David Lucas loves ranch on everything. And so they're taking care of you guys got a bunch of animals and stuff? Yeah, they got a bunch of animals. Yeah. A bunch of kids and, you know, animals. Yeah. They're a bunch of crazy people out there. Yeah. Which is beautiful. How many people are out there? Oh, like six or seven. Yeah. Okay. A lot of us left, so. Yeah. All right. We're doing better in America. Well, who works on the ranch? My. My dad. Right. He's old as. Yeah. He's doing great, though. How old is he, 67 or 60? Yeah. Nine. I don't know. He's, like, around her. Okay. 67 or 69. Yeah. Those are right next to each other, so it could be either one. English is my second language, so. Yeah. Yeah, math is, too. You're doing good. You're doing good. Thank you. David Lucas. Man, it's crazy. Rudy's actually a friend of mine. I know him very well. Yeah, I'm his plug and he. I sell him Coke, but Ozempic's not working in it right now, so Rudy get me all the snack foods before they come out in stores. Shouts out of my vatos. But Rudy is actually a really horrible father. The night he had his. No, tell him about it, bro. He was chilling with me in Dallas. I do a Rose Battle up There, he's in the green room, we're taking shots. And he's like, oh, yeah, my baby was just born. And I'm like, today? And he's like, yeah. I'm like, nigga, go be a fucking father. You got that chick in the hospital by herself while you here taking shots. I got a dream I gotta chase she knows did you go. Did you go hang out with your newborn kid after that? Yeah. Yeah, of course. You did shots with David Lucas and then you went and hung out, and I went straight to the hospital. I had to get up to watch that. That was a little wild. But you didn't even watch it. The kid came out when you were drinking with David, right? Yeah, yeah, but I'm talking about, like, holding him and. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you had to get drunk to look your baby in the eyes. Yeah, that was crazy. I was not ready for that. Yes. That's, like, looking at you right now, I'm like, holy. Yeah, it's crazy. Look at my baby. He's getting big. Crazy. It's crazy. It's true. Thank you. It's just. I'm just like your baby. Beautiful. Absolutely. So how old's the kid now? Six months. All right. So how's it been going? How many times do you think you visited this kid? Oh, I've been there every day. It's just crazy, you know, after. After, you know, he came out, I had to, you know, do father stuff. And I've been there every day. It's been cool. Like what. What kind of father stuff? Like, change his diaper. Like, put Ms. Rachel on if I have to. Or, like. Like, I got. I still gotta go make bottles and shit. I've been doing a lot of this, and that's just how I make bottles. Yeah, it's been cool. Bottles and stuff. Okay. You still hooking up with the baby mama? Yeah, we live together. Yeah, we just got an apartment. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, for now. I feel stable for once. It's just. Cause I used to fuck a bunch of bitches, like, when I first was wilding and shit. And it's cool to, like, finally, like, feel like instead of, like, waking up to my PS5, it's my girlfriend and my baby and food in the fridge and shit. It's just cool. This is incredible. I see very clearly why you and David get along so well in the fridge. Drinking and visiting my kids, sometimes changing a diaper, then having a shot. I look up to this fool, man. Yeah. I'm actually a good father. You're doing great. What Is the baby mama. What does the baby mama do for work? Does she have. She works for a dance plumbing company. I. I lay the pipe. But no, she really does refer a dad's plumbing company now. Yeah. Okay. Successful business. They're doing great. So you're not drinking as much as you used to drink. Yeah, I chilled out. Yeah. I still drink, though. I get up. Give us an example of a time recently in which you've gotten up. Oh, I crashed my car with David. I mean, not with David. Why the would you say that? What are you asking? I got to be honest. Put the microphone down. Tell me the whole story. Let's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. David was with you? Yeah. David is my best friend. Yes, he was. Yes, he was. You keep that mic where it is. No, stand back. Rudy, my bad. Sorry. Tell us about the evening. Oh, I got like. Tony, David hit me up out of nowhere. He was like, what's up, my boy? What you doing? I'm like, I'm just at the crib. Don't got a kid yet. And we ended up hanging out. That there's, like, arcade, like, little bar and shit. We got real fucked up. The Casamigos, he was supposed to buy them, and then they ended up on my tab, but that's cool. This is my boy. Anyways. Yep. Welcome to hanging out with David Lucas, everybody. It's all good. If you've ever wondered what it's like, what goes around comes around. Because you're fat. All right. But we ended up. We ended up hanging out. I got a little too much shots. Cas, amigos. That's the drink, right? So what you got anyways? Casamigos, my homies. We ended up getting up and then I don't remember leaving. And then I crashed my Mercedes. I had just bought the Mercedes that. She was crazy. Drug money was doing great at the time. What happened that made you crash it? Do you remember? No. She remembered, though. I didn't have insurance, but we worked things out. She didn't have insurance either. She was a nice, beautiful black lady. She did not have insurance? No. Wow. So how did you work things out? I paid her. I just fixed the car. Wow. I got some cousins and so. So your cousins fixed the car? Yeah, the vatos, Ms. 13. Your Casamigos helped you? That's what our. That's our mechanic shops going. Casamigos. Yeah, Tacos. We got a taco stand out there, too. I bet they web chapel. We know. We know. All right, Rudy, David, anything you want to say? That's not how the Fucking story went. Yeah, why don't you tell your version of this story? So, first of all, I was not fucked up, but we did meet at an arcade. Oh, yeah, I was fucked up. We were all leaving to go back to the Airbnb that I was staying at. Nice. Airbnb. Because he was trying to bring some fucking Latin hoes over. And I was like, before my girl. Yeah. And I was like, I don't want no more kids. So we all left. Everyone came here. We all left. The Airbnb's like six minutes away from where we're at. Yeah. Two hours has passed. I'm like, where the fuck is Rudy? I'm Talking about that, FaceTiming him, all this shit. And then he just appears at 3am in the morning. We just show up at the fucking Airbnb and you're like, my car, Rudy. The text said 3:24, I think something like that. And you're like, my car is gone. I'm like, what the fuck you mean? I got like ghosts. He was like, I hit a black bitch. I'm like, what? Black Hawk down, you know? So I was like, I hit a Mercedes with my Mercedes. No, her name was Destiny, but that was my destiny. I just. I just told him to lay down and we'll figure it out in the morning. So I wake up, like, 9:30 so that we can go try to figure this shit out. And this motherfucker's gone. Yeah, you took too long. You sleep. You sleep, bro. You hibernate. I gotta go. This motherfucker got an airplane at 12 and it's 11. I gotta get the fuck out of this bitch. But he ended up. He did pay the lady. The lady was hella. Thank God she was black. She didn't call the cops or anything. Well, yeah, that's what happens when you don't have insurance or a registration. And the car is most likely stolen. So luckily, you got very lucky there. Well, my car was stolen. I mean. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Rudy not around. Thank you. Fun times. Here's a slightly larger than small joke book. Appreciate you. There goes Rudy Ventura, everybody. All right. Gonna keep it moving along here. 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Your next bucket poll is also on the inside. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Aaron Spaller. Aaron Spaller. No real bangin sets yet. Everybody's kind of cruising through tonight. Aaron Spaller. Here comes Aaron Spaller. Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. One more time for Aaron Spaller, everybody. So I was told once you go black, you never go back. I was stressed out. I couldn't wait to go back. Personally, the biggest issue was constantly being compared to where black exes. As a white guy, that's not where you want to be. So I figured if I can't beat him, I'll join them. So I started fucking fat white girls. The issue is I started to enjoy it. And I'm from the Midwest, the casserole capital of America. They're everywhere up there. I had a little too much fun. That's how I earned the nickname the Fupa Bazooka, which I don't think my mom was too proud of because I caught her googling. If 300 months is too late for an abortion. Thank you. Okay, Aaron Spoller, is this true? Did you really hook up with a black woman? A few of them. Really? Yeah. Wow. Where would you meet them? At Tinder. Moan, mainly. Yeah. Okay, so you're on the dating apps. And that was. And. Okay, well, you're not anymore. No. Why not now? What happened? It's a sad place to be. Yes. Why? Why? Tell us about what you mean by that. I have bad self control. So it's like, yeah, I'm looking for love, but one of the thicker ones come across, just kind of get in there and seal the deal. And then I get too distracted. And then I got like 10 fat girls hitting me up every night. And then I don't get any work done. So then I just stop. Right. So you, you kind of went deep down this. I wouldn't call it a rabbit. A pig hole. I play around in the barnyard? Yeah. Wow. Incredible. So tell us all about it. What are some things that you've learned from hooking up with big chicks that's different than hooking up with regular sized girls or what many people would call beautiful women. The first things that. I'm kidding. They're beautiful too. But seriously, what's up? Nah, I'm with you. I hate the body positivity movement, but all right, keep going. Tell us, why do you like big chick? What is it about big chicken? What is it, the jiggle? Honestly? Okay, yeah, I like the motion. They're skinny and nothing moves. It doesn't. Nothing registers. Right. I don't know. What's the biggest girl if you had to guess that you hooked up with. Let's guess some weights here. I will say I couldn't get my arms around her. I'm on a 350 plus. Wow. 350 at the like light side. Yeah. And she was like short too. So a short at 350. We're talking about like five, three tall too. Oh, no. Yeah, not like tall, but average. I said 5 7. Was she bigger than David Lucas, like width wise? Sure, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Wow, this is incredible. That's not sad. You have to take a girl like that out to dinner before hooking. Oh, no way. That's not in the budget whatsoever. No, she of kind. Comes straight to your place. I went to hers, but yeah, yeah, same thing. You went to her place, what was it like? Do you remember? Yeah, we watched a movie, drank. What was the movie that you guys watched? Oh, it's that one with the something body. Jennifer's body. I think it's got the hot from Transformers. Megan Fox. Yes. Yeah. Okay, there you go. So you're watching that movie. Then what happens? I tried to put my arm around her. You? That's what you went for first. You went for a true hug, A true first base maneuver. Yeah, yeah, hug. And then that wasn't working. I mean, it was close. Yeah, but not close enough. You want play by play through the whole thing. You couldn't connect your fingertips, Am I correct? Oh, God, no, no. When it came time to kiss her and I put the other arm around. No, there was no clash. Oh my goodness. Yeah. So there you are, you're making out with her and then what happens? I just started feeling all of it. Yeah, tell us about that. Describe to this audience. Look at them in their eyes and tell them what hooking up with this behemoth monster was like. It felt like I was conquering Something as a man on a mission. Everything felt like a title. Oh, there you go. There we are. Big pop from the crowd on Everything felt like a tit. Have you ever said that before? No. There you go. That's part of your thing now. It is. You could talk about that while talking about what it's like hooking up with big chicks. That's funny. Everything felt like a tit. Keep going, tell us more. You're doing good. That's probably the best joke we've heard all night. Just came out of nowhere. Describe then what happens. What's the difference between a fat girl's vagina and a normal girl? You gotta pick the foopa up. Okay. You gotta get it out your way. God, this is disgusting. Does every. Does everything smell like anal? Like, because. Okay. Red band. All right, there we go. Big one. Big. Jesus Christ. Fat people tend to bathe themselves overly bathed. Have you noticed this? It was clean. I mean, there was no smells, no nothing. Yeah, I never thought about it. Yeah. Are you ever on bottom with any of these big girls? Yes. Okay. And describe to us what that's like. Describe to us what it's like being Waffle House hash browns, smothered, covered, gassed. Describe to this crowd what it's like being on bottom while someone that's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds is on top of you. Do they put all their weight on you or are they trying to alleviate some of that? They can't hold it up. They can't hold it up. No, no, no, no. You can't suck it in that far, you know? Right. But it's like. Have you ever tried to bench press more than you could? Yeah. Is that what you do? Are you lifting them up sometimes from the bottom position? Try. Uh huh. Depends on the one that night. Okay. And then how do these nights normally end after you hang out with a Tinder, Morbidly obese, absolutely vomitile, disgusting hookup. What is it like afterwards? The last one, I just started farting as much as I could so she'd leave. Because I don't like to be mean. Right. Yeah. But I just get them out, you know, Post not clarity hits a little harder when it's a big girl. So you gotta. You really start working on it? Yes. It's a situation to be handled immediately. So do you save these farts early on, starting earlier in the night? Are you banking farts knowing, like, this is my exit strategy? I wish I was that good. No, it was just a. It was a blessing. Right? Yeah. Right. Unbelievable. Absolutely incredible. What else do you do? Did I ask you what you do for work? No, what do you do for work? Right now I do valet. Valet? Wow. Okay, where at primarily? Fogo de Chow. Fogo de Chow. Look at that. You're meeting at an all you can eat Brazilian buffet. Oh, my God. You're making money and turning your side on at the same time. No better place to be a valet. Out there sniffing the seats of these big girls before they have their Brazilian steak. Wow. Have you met a chick at Fogo and taken her home before? No, I fucked that up. How did you fuck that up? There was this chick, and she was asking me to, like, take pictures of her, do this, do that. And then she went to, like, put some in her car, but on the passenger side. And she gets on the passenger seat, like, puts her knees on the seat, so it's just ass to face. And then she goes around to the other side and starts asking me all these questions, and I just. You think she was giving you an opportunity? Oh, she gave me, like, 10 of them. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And you just weren't having it. You were out on the street. She wasn't fat. These normies. You're not having it? No. You. Now you're at the point where you can only handle. What do you think the minimum weight of a girl that you would want to is now? I mean, it depends on the height, but I'm gonna say 170, 175. Okay, there's someone clapping for 175 in the back. Just one half fat chick, like, yeah, I got you. Don't listen if I got you. All right, well, fun times, buddy. I want to give you a. A small joke book, but since you're into slightly bigger things, I'm gonna give you a medium joke. But look, there he goes. We're keeping it moving. Aaron Spaller. Okay, time for a golden ticket winner, everybody. This guy is funny. This is a brand new minute from one of the newer golden ticket winners. Make some noise for Colin Sledge, everybody. Here we go. Colin Sledge One more time. Time for Colin Sledge, everyone. Thank. Thank you. I'm on Hinge. This girl on Hinge said, don't even bother messaging me if you're not in therapy. So I said, not only am I in therapy, it is court ordered. Not even allowed to own a gun in most states, but God bless Texas. I tried dating a black girl for the first time. I wanted her to like me, you know, but I guess we just weren't, like, super compatible. I remember she asked me like, do you even know what the G spot is? I was like, that's where the gangsters be hanging out. Shit. I'd be calling it the OG spot. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay, thank you. Bye. Bye. Colin Sledge has done it again. Welcome back, Colin. Thank you. Is this true? You really hooked up with a black check? No. It was a lot, right? I had a feeling. I just can't picture it. I cannot picture it at all. Not you. And I can't picture a black woman that would. That would hook up with you. You seem soft spoken. It's been close once. I'd like, yeah. How did you blow that? I probably just wasn't hot enough. You're what? I probably wasn't hot enough. Oh gee. It was close though. Now you're a good looking guy, Colin. It's when you start talking that you lose everything. I don't think the heat has anything to do with it. Yeah, I've noticed. I get first dates much easier than second dates. Huh. What do you normally do on these first dates with girls? It varies now. It's sometimes comedy shows, but not anymore. But I went to IKEA once. That was fun. Wow. You took a girl to ikea? Yeah. Did you meet her there? No, it was a hinge date. Okay, so what does that mean to you exactly as far as. Did you meet there? Did you pick her up? Oh, we met there. Right. So you did meet there? We did meet there, yeah. Okay. We went around circle there much like at an IKEA store. We met on hinge and then we agreed to meet it. I didn't pick her up. So did you eat at the ikea? Do you have the little meatballs? I offered to, but she's a vegan apparently. Oh wow. Vegan at an ikea? Yeah. There was no second date like I said, right? Yes. Didn't last long. Much like the furniture at ikea, they're not a sponsor. It's okay. Colin, what else has been going on in life? I was supposed to go to a vasectomy consultation today, but I came here instead. Okay. Hell yeah. You still have have literally the strongest nuts out of everyone that's been on the show tonight. Yeah, I've noticed you are. So you're fully ready to go? Why are you looking for a vasectomy? It was, it was my parents idea. My. So when I got the golden ticket, my stepmom was like, you should consider a vasectomy. They, you know, they think I'm. They think you're swimming in puss. Now? Well, they think. Yeah, they're worried. Which is. I don't. I don't really hook up with strangers. Even if I. You know, I'm. I'm shy, you know. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. You don't even need a vasectomy. Well, I. I mean, I get pussy sometimes. Okay. And do you have a problem pulling out when that moment comes? When that final moment comes? Are you. Oh, I. I wear a condom, but I don't know. Yeah, you don't. It's not as good. Would you still wear a condom if you got a vasectomy? Depends on the person. Geez, Colin. I mean, you gotta live life. I have to call your mom to tell her you're doing just fine out here. You're condomned up. There's nothing. I've never even heard of someone that wears a condom getting a vasectomy. Well, if it was a. That's like putting on your seatbelt if you're just sitting in the driveway. Absolutely pointless. Well, like STDs, right? Sure, but. Sure, but, like, you know, come on. It doesn't happen that often. You just pop an antibiotic, you'll be right back in no time. I'll just be like, don't worry, baby. Tony said I don't need to wear one. Don't put it on me. Blame it on your mom. Say, your mom said so. Red Band has something he really wants to say. Again. I was just saying how adorable would it be if Colin and Christina went on a date together, though? Wow. There it was. Red Band's last time talking this episode. How cool. Everybody. Amazing. Back to the soundboard we go. There it is. Hit the clown horn. That's the bike horn. Good job, Red Band. Good job. Christina, would you ever consider going on a date with Colin? I think we would spontaneously combust if we both. It is true. You're both very shy, very quiet, very nervous. Also, I only date black guys. Oh, shit. Wow. Look at that. That's what she says when guys like you want to go on a date with her. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. Colin, would you ever consider going on a date with Christina? I am with someone right now, but if that ever falls through, maybe. I love if that ever falls through. Maybe she's gonna be mad at you. Maybe. All right, Colin. Well, fun times. You did it again. Great set, great jokes. There he goes. On to the next one. Craftsman days are here at Lowe's. With big savings on the tools you need. Save $100 on the Craftsman V26 Tool Power Tool Combo Kit now at $199. No matter what the project is Craftsman's high quality, high performance products empower you to build on. Stop by your nearest Lowe's store and check out the full line of craft Craftsman tools Today ballot through 618 while supplies last selection varies by location. Roll ball or lonzo ball for buzzballs ready to go. Cocktails take 12. Buzz balls just dropped their biggest blue balls. Script says biggies blue balls. Lonzo. Take 13. Blue balls just dropped their biggest buzz balls. Ugh. Let's try a vocal exercise. Buzz balls, biggies, blue balls. Buzz balls. Biggies, blue balls. Big balls just dropped. Get blue balls this season with buzz balls, please. You're responsible. BU available in spirit wine and malt. 50 Alco, Bavo and Bus Balls, LLC, Carrollton, Texas. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, is a former employee here at Vulcan. We know this guy. He was once in a weight loss competition with another human. Make some noise for Trey Pack, everyone. Trey pack. It's tray pack. When you go back to back, it's straight back. Here comes Trey. What do you say? Hey, he's back. It's straight back. Straight back. Oh, there he goes. Straight back. How we doing it? Good to see you guys. Man, y' all had this girl tell me to come on her C section scar. Yeah, I don't have a joke. I just want to talk to somebody about it. Dude, it was my wife, you freaks. It was my wife, man. My wife's a dirty bitch, dude. That's my baby, man. My wife likes to choke me in bed. Any other creeps? Are you, like, getting choked in bed? Hell, yeah. Dude, with that haircut, it looks like this whole table choked you in the Uber on the way over here, dog. What's going on? Don't be ashamed. Listen, my wife chokes me in bed every single night. Yeah. She waits for me to fall asleep and she unplugs my CPAP machine. That's my baby, dude. I also get that half of y' all aren't convinced. I'm not Jelly Roll. I'm not. That's what everybody knows. I married a whore. Just not that one, dude. Yeah, I'm not. It's not me. I'm not married either. That's crazy, guys. I've been trying back. Thank you so much. Belm Church. Great pack. Been doing it for years. Been on this Vulcan stage numerous times. Worked here, been on the show weight loss competition. I believe you gained weight during the weight I. Sam Hunter gained. I lost. But we're all. We're all fat. We all look the same. Yeah, you look. People think I'm David Lucas every day. It's crazy. I love it. Absolutely. So, Trey, update us. It's been a while since you've been on the show. What's going on in life, man? Life's good, man. I'm. I am. I'm not married. I. I'm a barber. That's what I do full time now. Life's good. Just trying to make a dream come true every day. Okay. How's that going? How's the dream? It's good, man. I. I just got to do the Comedy Store. I got to run into you there. That was super cool. Nice. Yeah. You've been doing the Roast Battle thing. It's been good, man. Yeah. Been very good. Yep. Amazing, Trey. I love it. Any new hobbies or anything that non comedy related? N. Just drinking and doing drugs and girls, dude. That's. What kind of. What kind of drugs are we talking about? Oh, I'm on that cocaine, bro. Really? Yeah, man. Holy list. I don't even like doing drugs. It's just. You do. The mullet cocaine appears in your pocket. It's crazy. Tell us about your love of cocaine. I don't really. I've never. I've never tried it. I get it. I get it. It makes you feel a little like. Well, have you ever just felt, like the best feeling you've ever felt? Have you ever hit a home run? You score a touchdown? Imagine. Imagine hitting a ball and scoring a touchdown and fucking the girl you've always wanted to fucking. And then immediately after, just feeling the worst dread you've ever felt in your entire life. For hours, you get 20 minutes of the most amazing feeling, and then it's awful. For five hours, huh? How often do you do this? I've been trying to quit for a while. It's kind of hard. I get it mixed up with powdered sugar every day. But I used to once a week or so. Used to be. Especially back in the day. Yeah, it was fun. How do you afford it? I. I cut a whole bunch of hair, dude. I'm a hell of a barber. Holy. Yeah, man. Incredible. Do you only. Do you cut anybody's hair that we know? I. I got a lot of guys in the shop. Mike Gonzalez comes by our shop. Oh, Michael Gonzalez. That's why he wears a hat all the time. Okay. That's why Amazing Uncle Laser comes by the shop. A lot of guys here in town. Oh, I could see. Does Uncle Laser come by for haircuts or for that sweet booger sugar that you're kicking out over there. I mean, listen, we're all get done what needs to get done. You know what I mean? Yeah. Rock that haircut out in 10 minutes. We cut each other's hair the entire time. I bet. I bet you two little field rats out there, little snifflers. Trey, you're doing. Where do you work now? I work at Beard Brand Barber Shop. And then I picked up a shift here tonight. I heard Kill Tony was coming back. I miss it here, man, so I wanted to come hang out. I love it. Well, we're happy you did. Thank you. You already have a big joke book, right? Is it filled yet? I'm sure it is. Yeah. Here you go. Here's a new one. Boom. Oh, shit. Very good catch, Trey. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Yes, sir. Absolutely. Thank you. Trey Pack doing the secret show. Boom. On to the next one. Your next bucket poll. Also in inside. Make some noise. We're going to keep it moving along for Tatum Rayleigh, everybody. Tatum Rayleigh. Yeah. Tatum Rayleigh. Here we go. Tatum Rayleigh. We have movement. Okay, your next bucket pool is Alex James from the inside. Where's Cole? Alex James. I have an English degree from a state school, so it's safe to say that I make more money from doing comedy. Fuck. I am soaking wet. Now I'm butchering everything. All right, my girlfriend's 20 years older than me, and she's my former math professor, which worked out great because my math is shit. And it's interesting dating an older woman because the first time that we slept together, I felt like I was taking her virginity. So I asked her about it. She said all C sections. And let me tell you, that pussy was roped off like a museum exhibit. No kids had passed through there messing things up. Nothing had been touched in years. And most importantly, students get in for free. And that tight pussy kind of made up for those three kids because they were loose as fuck. Ah. A homeless guy asked me for a dollar. I said, I have $50,000 in student loan debt and a useless degree. Do you have a dollar? I'm 30 and I still live at home with my mom. And it's weird living at home because I'm one argument away from being homeless. But on the other hand, I'm one stroke away from becoming a homeowner. All right, I'm Alex James. Thank you, guys. Okay, Alex James. Moving fast. Just rattling them off there. How long you been doing stand up on and off for two years. But taking it seriously within the last six months. Six months? Yes. Super seriously pretty. Yes, sir. You're trying your hardest. I am trying my hardest. What are you doing? What are you doing to do that? Primarily just like hitting as many mics as I can. And I'm from Boston, so every time we come out here, we can honestly get like six months worth of mics and in like, like, you know, a week or two. So it's. It really helps. Right? Yes. And you've been here, how long have you been here? We just got. Oh, we just came for a trip on Saturday. So this is very surreal because we were gonna leave today, but we found out about the show, you know, so we decided to stick around. You were here with another comedian? Yes, she's here as well. Okay, got it. So let's talk about it, Alex, because that was awful. So when you say you could do six months worth of Boston open mics in one week here. Right, right. How many open mics are you doing per week in Boston? Well, my girlfriend will do like three to four, but I admittedly will really only do one. So you and your girlfriend are both comedians? Yes. And she's here? Yes. What's her name? Jenny Fitz. What is it? Jenny Fitz. Jenny what? Fitzgerald. Jenny Fitz. Yeah. Like this is one of those situations where I'm 100 positive that the girl is more funny than the guy. Ladies and gentlemen, you stay up here. Alex, I want you to stand here while your girlfriend buries your legacy. Make some noise. This is 60 seconds from Jenny Fitzgerald. Oh, this is so exciting. This is how breakups happen, everybody. It's a long trip back to Boston after you're funnier than your boyfriend. Oh, yeah. She's got this. Don't it. Don't put the mic back in the mic stand. Fuck it. And she's got this. Hold her. Shit. You ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jenny Fitzgerald. I feel like open mics are a lot like middle aged sex. They last three to six minutes and if you go all six, you're probably trying out some new stuff. I got divorced a couple years ago and I started dating a guy 20 years younger than I am. You guys, when he first brought up birth control, I was like, oh my God, he thinks I still have a period. That is so flattering. But I can't have any more kids. I have three kids. I have three kids. And being a parent as a Gen Xer is kind of tough because we weren't really parented. I realized I was ordering out too Much. When Uber eats figured out my custody schedule. Oh. And I'm totally spacing right now, which has never happened to me before. But I do have one last. Oh, no. You know, can I do my. Sure. Okay, cool. All right. We were caught in the rain. Okay, so it's. The world is so politically correct now. I'm afraid that my kids are gonna say some racist shit, like, by accident. Because the other day, one of my kids said to me, I used to be friends with this Indian girl on the bus, but I'm not friends with her anymore. Not just because she's Indian, just because she doesn't ride that bus anymore. I said, buddy, I don't think you meant that first. Just. Okay, we're not racist. If anybody's racist, it's the school. They're the ones who put her on a different bus. Okay. That was it. All right. We were in the rain. Did he write that last one for you? Even he's laughing at how unfunny he is. Unbelievable. So are you not still. So we're so. I love it. Welcome, Jenny. How are you? I am wet from the rain. Oh, okay. Yeah, we. I was gonna say, it seemed like you'd have an incredibly dry. We just heard your boyfriend's act, and I'm pretty sure everyone's gonna. A little saying between their legs right now. All right, Jenny, how long you been doing standup? Two years. Two years. How long have you been with your boyfriend, Alex? Five years. Five years. What was it about this young man that turned. That made you interested? I had just gotten separated from my husband, and I was in that kind of a marriage, like, I didn't have. I was in a sexless marriage for, like, 20 years. Yeah. But I thought he was pretty hot, and I. He was my student, but he wasn't anymore. Wait, what kind of student was he? Here we go. And we've hit. We've hit black gold, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. My milkshake has lauded. Over what? I was lonely. Okay, so. Right. So you were teaching at college. Yeah, and he took one of my classes. Oh, my God. What class was it? Quantitative Reasoning. Oh, my God. You know about that? I'm a math professor. Yeah. So. Wow. That's. So. That's my day job. But, yeah. So, okay, I looked up his textbook, his cell phone number in the system, and I texted him and I asked him if he thought he wanted any help with the math class that he was taking the next semester, and he said, well, I hired a tutor who cost $100 an hour, and I'm meeting with her on Friday. And I said, I texted him, well, fire her, because I can guarantee you I'll be better than any tutor you've ever had. Wow. This is amazing. I know. I wish I look, look better. I was caught in the rain. I usually look better than this because I'm 50. I normally look. No, you're good. You're good, lady. You're good. This guy still has his fucking notes over here. What are you. What do you hand. What is going on over here? Dude, shut the fuck up. We're talking to this cool ass, flirty college professor over here. Okay, so hold on a second. First question. Yep. How recently were you separated from your husband when you launched the this message? Just a ballpark. Six months. Year? Two years? Three weeks. Three weeks. Okay, second question. Yeah. Had you ever, out of your entire history being a college professor? You could be honest here. I never did it before, if that's what you're asking. You never messaged any other student ever? No. As a matter of fact, I don't even remember thinking he was attractive when he took my class. I just remembered that we would chat and like, he had a really nice personality and he was older than the other student. He was, you know, because he was like a fuck up and, you know, he went back to college later and. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I should have said that. Wow. Amazing. So there you are. And how long. I was 45 and he was 26. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Incredible. So where did the tutoring happen? Yeah. Okay. So I did go over on Friday. You went to his place? Yeah, I went to his place. I already knew that he lived alone and stuff like that. Cause when I was. How did you know that? Because when I would chat with him, I would ask him questions like, so you live alone. Wow. Spoken like a true math professor. I apologize for interpreting. One time I literally asked him if he had a girlfriend. I was collecting information, but that was kind of toward the end of the course. And so I just waited because in the handbook it says we can't fuck our students unless the course is over. Yes, that's in everyone's handbook, by the way. It's not just any specific college or that's every job. I had never done it before. I swear to God. It's cool, it's cool. You're not gonna get in trouble now. You're good. No, I have tenure. Yeah, perfect. You have a 10 year. You have a 20 year difference. Okay, so there you are. You're at his place. Was there any actual tutoring? Did you guys crack the books? Yeah. Because, you know, I didn't want to make it obvious. No, I. Yeah, I did. I just, like, did some math with him, and then. How long we talking? 20, 40 minutes? Yeah, I want to say 20 last. Oh, look at old pimp daddy over here going, no way. She couldn't resist. Wow. Okay. So about 15 minutes goes by, and then what happens? He says. He was like, I'm gonna roll a joint. And I was like, that sounds good. You know, and one of the. I remember one time I joked around with him about swinging by after work. Okay. The other thing is, he said, you probably. Where do you live? And, oh, you must drive right by my house on your way to work. So I, like. I knew where he lived and stuff. So he was. So I was like, oh, you got any beer in the fridge? And he's like, yeah. So I was like, yeah, like, I'll grab a beer. And we sat on the couch, we smoked the joint. Okay. And then I. I think I, like. I reached over and I, like, put my hand on. Oh, shit. That. The old. Is this okay? Yeah. Cause, like. Yeah, she's supposed to have. There it is. Okay. And then you said, yes, that is okay. And then. Oh. Oh, I know. It was. That was, like, make or break moment. Because I was like, if he's a bad kisser, then I'm out of here and I'm never gonna talk to this guy again. Right. But he was a great kisser, so more stuff happened. Oh, my goodness. You guys had sex that first. No, he sucky, sucky. No, we didn't. You didn't. I made him wait, like, almost a month. Well. Cause I just. I had. I had only been with one man, other man, in 25 years, so I just assumed that whoever I had sex with would give me, like, herpes or aids. So I was like, I can't do that. And so after a month, I mean, we fooled around, but, like, that was all. Wow. Incredible. I think this is, like, every college kid's fantasy, right? Is that the nerdy math professor lady kind of fucking says, I'll be the best tutor you've ever had. And then the old touch. A beer and a joint. I mean, that's wild. Oh, it was super hot. So now you guys have been together for five years. Yeah. And you still live in Boston. Yeah. And are you still a college professor? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Incredible. I love it. And what have you done? Did you get a degree? I did, actually. Okay, so what do you do for work? Talking to the mic. Oh, I'm essentially like her au pair, so I take care of her kids. How. How old are you? Pretty fucking sweet, right? Oh, Christina. Mariani. So you're. So you're bad at math. How old are the kids? My oldest is 16 and my twins are 12. They're all boys. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Incredible. Are you aware that your ex husband has low testosterone? He's. Yeah, he's got something going on that's wrong, but I don't know what it is. You know about this, David Lucas? What are you gonna say? I'm just curious. Like, from the time you last fucked your ex husband to the time you fucked him, how long was that? I don't know, like a year and a half. Wait. Or maybe, I don't know. It was so long, I couldn't remember from my math. It was seven weeks. No, no. Oh, no. Three weeks after. No, I thought you meant three weeks after we, like. I, like, moved out. Oh, okay. Yeah, but I. I don't know. Maybe we hadn't had. And what did your ex husband do for a living? He manages towns. A town? A town. The mayor. Well, is that the mayor? Bitch? No, he manages a town. What type of shit is this? Well, it's. It's a. Towns don't have mayors. They have town managers. Where the fuck do you live? Scotland. Where the fuck. I haven't been to a town ever. You've never been to a town? It's just not a city. It has fewer people, generally. Y' all niggas don't even live in America, probably. No, just local. This don't even seem real. I don't even know this is real. No. Yeah, he's hired. Not elected, but yeah, he just runs the town. What's the town called? I. I would. Whoville. I would prefer not to talk. No, let's not. Let's not call out a whole town on this show right now. Totally. There's only 1,200 people. What's the difference between a town and a city? Mathematician. Oh, usually it's population, but the form of government's different. They don't elect a mayor. They elect a board who. Who hires somebody to manage the town. So your ex was on that bullshit. So you needed that new. New. I don't think a math professor understands your lingo. I literally have no idea what he just. What he did. So your. Your ex husband. Yeah, your ex husband was a variable and you needed a whole number. Ah, yeah. Yes, that's very true. Yes. Yes. Is that what I feel seen right now? Yes, you are correct. Yeah, he's. Yeah. It was crazy, though. And he's gonna be so pissed if he ever sees this. He will. I'm gonna send it to him. Yeah. How many towns are in Boston in Massachusetts? Can we not talk about him anymore? He's gonna find out about this. I know. And he's gonna be really fucking pissed that he kept the kids for an extra night. Lost kids. That's. Yeah, he's gonna be really fucking pissed that we're gonna see this bitch on the news in three months. Probably. Probably. This is. This is gonna be the last try. This will send him over the edge. Rip ahead of time. Oh, yeah. Made by the great people over@ghostpatch.com. they made us these unbelievable torpedoes that say I bombed on kill. Tony. It's a very special. It's a level below a little joke boat book. And. And Alex, congratulations. You're getting one of those. And you, sweet professor, leaving with a medium sized joke book. Congratulations. You are indeed the funny one in the couple. Not by much, but shockingly funnier than her babysitter boy, Alex James. That was Jenny Fitz and Alex James, the. There they go. One of the nerdiest couples I've ever seen in my entire life. Answering the question, what would it be like if Colin Sledge and Christina Mariani dated? Oh, there she is, the lovely Heidi. Look at her with her little black tie on. How sweet. This message is brought to you by Abercrombie and Fitch. I've been ready for summer for a while and now it's finally time for summer outfits. With a trip coming up, the A and F vacation shop has me covered. Abercrombie really knows how to do a lightweight outfit. Their tees, sweater, polos and linen blend shorts never miss. I wear Abercrombie denim year round. Their shorts are no different and have the comfort I need for summer. Prep for your next trip with the A and F vacation shop. Get their newest arrivals in store, online and in the app. This message comes from Greenlight. Ready to start talking to your kids about financial literacy? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app that teaches kids and teens how to earn, save, spend wisely and invest with your guardrails in place. With Greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Join millions of parents and kids building healthy financial habits together on Greenlight. Get started risk free@greenlight.com Spotify all right, I believe they wrangled the bucket pool. Time for the next one. Make some noise for Tatum Raley, everybody. Tatum Raley, is that right? Tatum Raley again. There she is. Tatum Raley. Ladies and gentlemen, my marriage is on the rocks. The other day I saw what no good wife should see. I walked in on my husband. Excuse me? I walked in on my husband wiping his ass and that motherfucker was standing up. Why? I don't know. How long has he been doing that? Is that why there's fucking keister kibble all on the toilet seat? I've been trying to solve that riddle for six years. And you want to know the fucked up part? If someone had to have taught him how to do that. No, I saw that form. That form was passed down from generations. He must come from a long line of fucking fecal flickers who care about no one but themselves, leaving their cracked crumbs for the rest of us to deal with. The crafter math, if you will. And you don't know hell until you sat on a toilet at 3am and thought, did somebody go to the fucking beach? Whose goddamn sand is this? Thank you. My name's Tatum. Tatum Rayleigh. Holy red band. I didn't realize you were writing for bucket pools nowadays. That's all poop jokes. That's a minute of poop jokes. I. I will say I've done many surveys about this exact same thing and it's usually 50. Do stand up while wiping their ass. Does it cause the keister kibble? No, I've never heard of that. When you say that is, what does that mean? Where's the poop going when you wipe it? You know the toilet paper has like crumbs, right? Uh huh. So if you're sitting down like a normal fucking person, it should go directly into the toilet bowl, right? Yeah. But if you're standing up like my man is, you're fucking flicking that shit for everybody. And it gets everywhere. Cristina. Mariani, why are you watching him wipe his ass? That is literally. I looked in on it. It was an accident. I couldn't look away though. Oh yeah, because by the time I noticed he still had the toilet paper in his hands and there was shit on it. So I just backed out like one of them penguins from Madagascar. And I didn't talk to him for two weeks. But you guys are good now? No. Oh, David Lucas. Hey, can you turn around and show me how he wipe again? Wait, stop it. David. David. That's all. It's okay, baby. I wipe sitting down. I'm like, hot as fuck. Right? Well, actually, I got a bidet. I don't got a wipe. Oh, nice. Well, I'm not Chinese. What do you want me to do with that? This bitch stupid. Tatum, welcome to the show. How long you been doing standup? Two and a half years. Two and a half years? Where at? All around. I'm. I live in the Houston area, so around there and around here. Awesome. Do you have a day job? I'm a mom. Oh, sweet. How many kids do you have? One. She's five. One five year old girl. What's that like? Hell yeah. Don't do it. Strep throat. If you fuck on it and you're on antibiotics, it'll give you a baby because the antibiotics cancel out your birth control. So don't fuck on strep throat. Wow. Cristina Mariani. Can she wipe her ass? No. Is your husband teaching her? Yes. This is insanity what's happening here. It's a whole two thirds of the family can't wipe their ass properly. Hey. But I can. Good job. Thank you. Good job, Tatum. I love it. Okay, what do you. Norm. What else do you normally talk about? Cause that was a minute of your husband wiping his ass. Jokes. What type of material by kids? I got married to a man that I met on Tinder 14 days prior. Wow. Yeah. I was drunk. I want to tell you. I felt like a tingle in my heart or my pussy. But that was bullshit, right? Have you ever heard of Twisted T? Uh huh. It was 13 of those. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wow. Do you still drink a lot? Not at all. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. What do you do to. What are, like hobbies of yours? Anything fun. Comedy and being a mom pretty much takes up most of my time. I love it. And cleaning up. Butt dust, I guess. Butt dust. This is a real. Your bathroom's a disaster. It really is fucking war zone. This is frightening. So the husband isn't the father of the kid? He is. I got pregnant two months after I married him, drunkenly at 19. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm only 25. Wow. Ages you to have a kid. Okay, and what does he do? He's a CWI and a QA qc. It's a certified welding inspector and he works in quality control. Oil field. Oil field. Very good. There you go. Unbelievable. Okay, and does that mean he's gone for months at a time and then comes back? No, he works from home. He travels like two weeks out of the year, maybe. Wow. There it is. Butt dust. Yep. All right, Taylor. Well, Tatum. Close Enough. There you go. Okay. Okay. You know what? Do you ever skateboard? I have. You have skateboarded? Yeah. Okay. We have a Kiltoni skateboard. Colt makes these, and he puts it up here just in case somebody skateboards. I find that your charisma is better than a small joke book. But the jokes weren't quite good enough for a big joke book. So you're leaving here with the first ever Kill Tony skateboard. Thank you. Look at that. That's fair. Not bad enough for the Torpedo, not unlikable enough for a small joke book, but only talked about butt dust. All right, Are we having fun out there tonight? Back to the butt. Here we go. Make some noise for Cameron Ilig, everybody. Cameron Ilig is next on Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Oh, we know Cameron. This is Cam Patterson's friend, Cam Ilig, my girlfriend. My girlfriend's mad at me because she said. She said, hypothetically, if we had a daughter and our daughter started an only fans, would you be upset about that? And I said, yes, I would. And then she yelled at me. She said, that's because you're not progressive for women. And I said, listen, bitch, it's the opposite. I'm the progressive one. You think our daughter's only good for her big tits. I think. I think my daughter could be whatever she wants to be. My daughter could dream. My daughter could be a lawyer. My daughter could be a pilot for Spirit. My daughter. My daughter could be a surgeon. Not mine, but somebody's. You know, I have big hopes for her, you know, And I just think it's weird because your daughter's 50% you, you know? So if your daughter has an only fans, then it's like, this is not how I wanted to start a family business. That's not what I wanted to do, you know? But your daughter. That's why I think it's okay if your son has an OnlyFans, I would be fine with that. If my son had an OnlyFans, that's okay. Because if my son can sell our penis. Godspeed, brother. I have been trying to give this thing away for free my whole life. How did you. How did you figure this out? All right, thank you. Cameron Ilig, we know him well. Famously moved here from Orlando, Florida, with his best pal, Cam Patterson, years ago. Two years or so, right? Yeah, about two years. Two and a half. Yep. So how's life going for you? Jokes are good, comedy's good. Graduated, Graduated from college. Yes. Did you. Your math tutor. I. My math tutor. I Have a thing for Asians. What did you get a degree in? In data analytics. What? It's some. It doesn't matter. Clearly not English. It's what computers do. Oh, I said data analytics. There you go. Okay, sorry. This fast. Data analytics that. Analytics. I've been hanging out with Cam too long, you know, it comes out right, dad. Analytics. He hasn't been able to find his data in a long time. No, I'm kidding. We all know his dad. He's an easy guy to find. Yes, he's always there. Cam, tell us more. What's going on in your life? I don't know. I'm trying to be cooler. Yeah, that ain't happening. Yeah, I know. I have one. Look, it's not cool, it's not nerd, but it's not cool. Which sucks. You look like every backup college quarterback. The quarterback takes a rough hit, you see this guy starting to toss the ball around on the sideline like. Oh, boy. We have not seen Cameron Ilig in a game. This is going to be his first time taking snaps on the field. He is a four star high school recruitment out of a town with no mayor, only a manager. And here he is, also known as the Butt Dust Assassin. He's coming in. He famously lost a testicle at one point and found it. Oh. Oh, got it. Okay. Did you play sports growing up? I did. I played soccer and baseball. Right. Yeah. I tried to play football and then I only wanted to play kicker. And they said if you only play kicker, you're a. So you can't play Giggar. They wanted me to play a different position. I was like, no, I don't want to get hurt. Right. Don't want to get hurt. Yeah. Okay, how about now? In life, Cameron, how's life going? What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of comedian that would make a joke about having sex with a black woman that actually hasn't. Have you ever been with a black woman? Of course. Really? Of course not. You didn't let me spend. But do you have a joke about hooking up with a black woman? Do I? No. No. I have black roommate jokes, of course, but no, no black. No black. How about normal, regular, old. What's your dating life like? I have a girlfriend. You have a girlfriend? How long have you been with her? Two years now. What does she do? Well, now she's in England. She just serves bartenders in England. Wow, your girlfriend is in England? Yeah. She goes to a different country. Huh. Yeah. How. How long has she been in England? Bro. You know, if I say bro at the end of the question, it's not good. This imaginary girlfriend of yours, it's been about six months, she's pregnant and I. You're kidding. Yes, of course. Okay. Yes. But it has been six months. Well, there's been like, she's been here for like two months at a time type of thing. What do you mean? I went over there. What do you mean? Because you have to. You just can visit. You can't stay there forever. You can stay for like three months, I think. So she goes. She's an American? Yeah. No, no, she's English. Okay. And. And so when's the last time you saw her? March. Okay. How often you guys talk? Every day. I'm gonna cry. Yeah, I know. This is sad. I think we're all gonna cry because we're realizing that your girlfriend's getting dicked down by some fucking. Some Muslim. Yeah, exactly. London is broiled. Or right now, David Lucas, what bar does she work at in England? I don't know, cuz. I go there in two weeks. I want to her. Oh, you're too big. Too big? Nigga, no. Yeah, for sure. You look gay. Uhoh. I can take your girl. All right. Wow. Got real here for a second. He just. David looked a man in the eyes and said, I'm going to fuck your girlfriend. She ain't never had stomach on her forehead, nigga. I'm gonna show her what it's about. You gotta fit through the door first. Oh. Oh my God. This is not turned into a rose battle. I don't know what y' all. Oh my God. I don't want it to be there. I love you. Wow. Okay, Cameron, anything else crazy we should know about you? No. I mean, I want to be cooler. So I go to rock shows. That's my thing. That's what. Rock shows. That's what I think is cool. That's in my head is what is. You go to rock shows? Yeah, because, you know, we're in Austin, like rock and roll. It's the live performing music, you know, City. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. So I. I go. I went to a hardcore rock show. And what do you do with these things? Do you stand in the back with a bottle of water? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can pay me $30,000 to dance. I don't know how anybody danced unironically. Really? Yes. You don't think we could pay you $30,000 to dance? Yes, I do, actually. What's happening? We. I'm not gonna pay you Anything. But I want to see. Give me some dance music. No. You have to do it, Cameron. You're not. You're not leaving here until you dance. Well, what's a dance? We're gonna hold you hot. Whoa. What's your dance? See this? All right, this is gay. Get out of here. Get out of here. Cameron, you already have a joke book, right? Yeah. Okay, there he goes. Camera. Now look. Told you he had a dance. The guy had a dance, Heidi. Refilling the neverending gullet of David Lucas yet again. Another drink for David up here. It's apple juice. If you're wondering what David's drinking. Diabetic jet fuel. Apple juice. Every diabetics favorite beverage. Welch's apple juice. All right, your final bucket pool of the night. Goes by the name of Timmy no Breaks. Timmy no Break. Oh, I think I heard a pop from the comedian section there. Timmy no Breaks. What do you say? Timmy no Breaks. When did you slave? The whole state shakes, Timmy no Breaks. Timmy no Breaks. Timmy no breaks. Forgot how long it takes for people to get to the stage here. Here he is, your final bucket pull of the night, Timmy no Breaks. Yeah, like you said, my name's Timmy no brakes. And you might wanna buckle the fuck up. Get this. I was at the nut store. I was buying nuts. I go up to the fucking weighted thing. The woman's like, that's gonna be a hundred dollars. I was like, bitch, I got fucking bills to pay. You guys ever have a fucking punchline? What the. All right, don't worry. You're gonna love this one. Get this. I was at the doctor. Yeah, the fucking doctor. I go up to this doctor, he's like, 10 minutes, you have cancer. You need treatment. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm a healthy guy. I'm a young boy. He's like, you need treatment. I'm like, how much is that gonna cost? He's like, a hundred dollars. I was like, that's a good deal. This is great. A. This is good. What the. Timmy no breaks, everybody. Wow. What the. Timmy. Hi, Timmy. Did you just watch Dice once? Yeah, I've heard that before. What do you really, like? How long you been doing stand up? Too long. Two months. Two months. All right. Where are you from? Jersey. Jersey. All right. Wow. Okay. Okay, Timmy. He's having the time of his life. Yeah, this good. So, Timmy, you've been doing standup for Two months? Yeah, two months. How old are you? I'm 18. How old are you, Timmy? That's rude. That's okay. How old are you? How old are you, Timmy? I'm 24. Really? That's. How old are you? How old are you, Timmy? 24 years old. Really? Yes. This is. Guys, come on. I'm a guest here. What the. Hey, let's go. I'm 36. There it is. There it is. Timmy, what have you been doing your whole life up until this point? I worked for my father for a long time. He was a fishing man, and so I worked for him and then, you know, got caught up in some shit like what I did. So I did some time. I don't. It was coke. I was a coke guy. I did some coke shit and then, you know, got out and I found stand up and I, you know, never look back. How long? This is my life. How long were you in jail for? I was two months. Two months? Everything's two months with you. No, not everything is two months. It's also a hundred dollars. Yes, Two months and a hundred dollars. Holy. Some black Kool Aid, man. Boom. Roasted. Got your ass. Wow, Timmy. No breaks. Got your ass, Timmy. And no breaks again. Just fully committed to this. To this character, Timmy. What do you. What do you. What do you do for fun in real life now? Are you still on coke? No, you know, I. What's up? Yes. Yes, you are. Do you live in Austin now? Yeah, I moved here. How long have you lived here? Two months, Timmy. No breaks. True story, Timmy. No breaks. Getting the lights to change in the room. Timmy, how do you make money? Uh, I sell weed. You sell coke? No, I sell weed now. I'm straight. I'm straight. I'm straight. I'm straightish. What? Fucking Dr. Evil. Goddamn. Boom. Roasted. Look at this bitch. What do you drinking? Gay. God damn. Boom. Unbelievable. Unreal. I'll take. I'll take that golden ticket. Oh, my God. Oh, take that golden ticket, Timmy. You're not even getting a big joke book. Timmy. That's fine. I don't write. We know, Timmy. We saw your ass. Don't you know what a punchline is? One of your famous lines, Timmy, tell us something about you other than the fact that you. That you did cocaine. Just give us one more little tidbit about you got. I mean, I love my mother. Yeah, I love that. It's not that interesting, but it's true. Yeah. Sorry. Is she proud of you? She's not. Has she. She passed away. She passed away two months ago. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was hard. And did she get. Did you bury her or did she get boom. Roasted? No, we burned her you know, she was in a kiln or whatever, you know what I mean? And how did she die? Embarrassment. That's my fucking mother you're talking about. Gay guy. This guy's gay. Timmy, you're a funny guy, dude. You're a funny guy. Timmy, I like your style. Normally I hate anything that sounds at all like Andrew Dice Clay, who was literally doing your act 45 years ago, but I look at you. All right, all right, Timmy. If I had to give your. If I had to give your interview and set a grade on a report card, I would give it a. A. Oh, there he goes, Timmy. No breaks. Wow. He immediately gives it to a fan. Gives it right to an audience member. Unbelievable. A man of the people. A man of the people, Timmy. No breaks. Wow. What an amazing force of nature, Tim. Oh, the guy gave it back. But very good, sir. Very good. You know what? Just cuz you're a good guy, here's a little joke book. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this. We need to wash out the memory of Timmy. No breaks. And there's only one way to do it. There's. There's one human, ladies and gentlemen, who is yet another kill. Tony hall of famer. The record holder for all time appearances on the show. The record holder for all, all time interviews on the show. He's very excited to be back at Vulcan Gas Company. The simple container box where we held the show for years. While waiting for the mothership to be built. This guy became one of the most popular comedians in the world. He's now touring all over. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the vanilla gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The one, the only, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery. How is it going? Vulcan Gas Company. Weirdly enough, it's actually been two months since I've last been here. And also it's always so nice when I go by the broom closet. I think about Hans sexually assaulting women up there. So it's always nice. Hold on, I'm actually getting a telephone call. Let me see. Mensah. Hello? Yeah, no, I actually do not want to join. Biden's got terminal prostate cancer. Say what you will about Hillary Clinton, but that bitch is creative. And for those that don't know about mints, I actually have a really high iq. People. That's. And that was whistle while you twerk. Climbing up to the number eight spot. Once again, I'm Casey Kassoso. And don't Forget, Bush did 9 11. Hey, red band. I can't remember what you said last night? What is the best back to school gun? It's so weird. Red Band gets these fantasies about shooting up schools. And he tells me when these guns go on special. Tony, that is my time. Thank you so much. Wow. God, that other guy was so good. Tony. I'm down there thinking, how am I gonna follow this dude? I can tell, I can tell. You seem a little shell shocked. Fucking Minsa calls me right when I'm up here. That's so embarrassing. Yeah, it's hard to follow Timmy no breaks. I mean, the guy did something we've never seen before. He gets tossed a big joke book, says, fuck this. Gives it to someone in the front row. Yeah, well, by the way, Bonsai is pissed. Pissed Bonsai, the guy who makes those literally is pissed right now. Well, I mean, I. I just is so charismatic that I feel like if Bonsai went up to start with, Timmy no breaks, Timmy no breaks would make Bonsai, make him a brand new leather jacket by the end of it. I just think Timmy no breaks is a force of nature. I don't know. Well, he's got a gun. I literally bought a gun from him last weekend in the alleyway behind here. Seriously? Yeah. That's why I was so nervous. He's like, don't talk about the gun. And it's like, well, I got to talk about it, but so nice to be back here at Vulcan. Yeah, talk about it. How does it make you feel? What do you remember about this place? Oh, my gosh. Just how hot and sweaty it would get up in the fucking broom closet. I would be up there with Hans, and we weren't doing anything bad, but it would just get. Get so hot and sweaty, and I would just watch Hans and we'd have the drones going, you and Hans used to do drugs in that broom closet, Am I correct? We did one time. One weekend. The first weekend I was in Austin, I was still doing a bunch of cocaine. So I do it in the broom Colaza. With Hans. Yep. No doubt about it. And look at you now. Clean and sober. Camouflage shorts. Yeah, I'm wearing these a lot right now. Tony, you like those? Yeah, I like these. And I realized after hanging out with Hans in the closet, I don't like Asian people that much. And it was right when you had the stuff going on with that guy. The Asian. Yeah, the Asian guy. And I'm thinking, what is going on? Tony just hired some Asian guy. This is the spot. This is Happy Asian Heritage Month, everybody. No kidding. I forgot all about it. I know. I'm kidding. Those were wild times. It was. It was wild times. To think that that would end up being my second biggest cancellation is pretty crazy, because that was the news for a couple days. Yeah. Love. When you were on Roseanne saying the stuff. What? Oh, I thought you were talking about for the second cancellation or which one? That. That thing I did for the President of the United States a few months ago. So, William, what's going on in life? What are you passionate about this week? Oh, my gosh. Well, Tony, it's actually kind of strange. I started doing these paint by number things. It's like this watercolor, and. Tony, I'm just loving all the different colors I can use to paint the watercolors. Yeah, dude, we're talking about. Oh, my gosh. All different colors. Kinds of colors. What are some of your favorite colors? Maybe a yellow. It's. Sir, where are you going? Sir, what's your favorite color? Dumbass. Seriously, what's your. I get the feeling it's not black. That guy looks like a real Texan right there. What are some. What are some more of your favorite colors? Yeah, maybe like a pink. Beige. Ooh. Not beige. I don't really like that color that much. God. Maybe like an indigo. Oh, no. Y' all do it a little. Maybe more without. They. They get. They play you like a brown. Yeah, yeah. They feed off of your energy. Cheese. William, I don't know if you've noticed that. Maybe polka dot. Wait, that's not as fun, though. Polka dot isn't a color. Yeah, that's not even a color, Tony. How am I already running out of colors? I thought, okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna choose colors tonight. Why don't you just look around and. Oh, my gosh. Maybe a green. Orange. I'm running out, Tony. There's people yelling colors at you. Everybody wants you to say brown. It seems right now you want to say it. Say brown. Ah, give me a better color. Somebody give me a better color. Ooh. Ooh. Maybe a burgundy. No, hold on. Like a burgundy. Ooh. Magenta has been called. Do you like magenta? Magenta. Wait. Red, man. Help me, dumbass. Everybody thought you said red. Struggling. Red. Red. Red. Not very passionate about these colors. I thought you loved colors. I was like. I was lying a little. Tony, wow. We've never seen you quite like this before. William, any other colors that perhaps. Perhaps you're excited about? Oh, my gosh. I didn't even think about Seafo green. Seafoam green. Seafoam green. I Think I already said green, but seafoam green is like a lighter. It has blue in it. Any other colors before we get out of here tonight that you'd like to passionately name some people up in the upper deck suggesting turquoise. Vulcan Gas company. David, dude. David and William, famously old friends. The first two, other than Michael Lair, first two members of the hall of fame here in Kiltoni. I used to watch David have sex with women in the hotel rooms. I would be hidden in the closet. I'd be like, dude, are you sure this is okay? And he'd throw me one of his shirts. He'd be like, just get under the shirt and it's okay. Which is so sweet. But, yeah, I'd be having a hover in the fucking closet and he's having sex with these women on beds. What's funny is that from my seat, everybody would have thought that you were just kidding William. But I can hear David go, stop it. It kidding. I love it. William Montgomery, you did it again. We did it again. That's another episode of Kill Tony brought to you by expressvpn via an incog. Ladies and gentlemen. Woo. How about one more time for Christina Mariani, everybody? Christina Mariani.com Follow her on Instagram cri I I m A R I I David Lucas has fishing with David Lucas. David Lucas, Comedy.com the drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in and it is stunning. It is indeed. Christina Marani and David Lucas. We have to reset the room. Let's go. Red band. Love you guys. Thank you. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Sam the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. SA.