#724 - JOE DEROSA + ARI MATTI

Summary

Kill Tony #724 – JOE DEROSA + ARI MATTI (June 24, 2025)

Podcast: KILL TONY
Venue: Vulcan Gas Company, Austin, Texas
Special Guests: Joe DeRosa, Ari Matti

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Episode Overview

Returning for an old-school, wild night at the grungy Vulcan Gas Company, Kill Tony #724 is a raucous, raw slice of the Austin comedy scene. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban invite heavyweight comedy guests Joe DeRosa ("the Dirty Pig") and Estonian expat Ari Matti ("the Estonian Assassin") to judge a parade of standup hopefuls, bicker, and riff their way through stories of addiction, trauma, dating, sobriety, and the endless hustle of comedy. Regulars and upstarts alike flood the stage for a show that careens between roast battles, emotional confessions, and off-the-rails absurdity.

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Key Segments & Highlights

[04:52] Welcoming the Guests & Setting the Vibe

• Tony and Redban celebrate the dirty, cramped, and nostalgic energy of the Vulcan, expressing how it encapsulates Austin comedy’s real roots.
• Tony introduces his guests as some of "the best Austinites, the best drinking buddies, two of the best comedians in the world."
• The band's presence is celebrated, featuring Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Matt Muhling, John Dees, and D Madness.

[07:07] David Lucas Opening Set & Roast Battle

• David Lucas (KT Hall of Famer) brings classic, unfiltered sex jokes:
  • "Girls in 2025 are too freaky for me. I hate this squirting shit. I don't like it. Do you think bitches were squirting during slavery? They couldn't. They were too dehydrated, you know?" ([07:07])
• Jokes rocket between the panel and Lucas, ramping instantly into roast territory (body shaming, food delivery, helmet jokes).
• Joe DeRosa: "You have so many food packages delivered to your house, they had to change the name of the app to Post Office Mates." ([08:57])
• David Lucas: "You look like you got a football helmet on, nigga... if you head but a nigga, you going to jail for murder." ([09:06])
• Discussion of the "Killers of Kill Tony" tour ("two retards, a white, three niggas... that shit fun as hell"), green room rider stereotypes, and how chaos fuels their comedy. ([11:13–14:22])

[17:20] Taylor Neely – Standup & Life Story

• Set: Dry, quick-fire material about being 2% Italian, a "sick dog," and AI vs. real crack experience.
• Banter reveals Neely's life:
  • Wrestler, handyman, from Ohio via Georgia/Austin.
  • Candid discussion of rehab, mental health:
    • "Since I've been to Austin, I've been to the psych ward twice..." ([21:52])
  • Admits bottoming out was driven by alcohol withdrawal and suicidal ideation.
  • "I drank twisted teas for like 24 hours a day. Thirty to fifty cans." ([24:13])
  • "I'll smoke crack cocaine immediately." ([21:27])
• Joe DeRosa's Critique: "Stick to the real shit, dude... talk about your crazy life, people will find you more interesting." ([19:17])

[27:35] Aaron West – Sober & Zany

• Set: Soup kitchen/line jokes, "scat pack" sports car, a Burger King impression.
• Story unfolds:
  • On-and-off standup for 10 years, newly sober for 4.5 years.
  • Shares that sobriety started after waking up with a lobster tattoo with boobs.
  • Writes/watches a lot of weird videos under the name "Beef Squeaks."
  • Collects weird/creepy paintings; lives like a pool boy amongst mansions.
  • Never performed standup sober before tonight.
• Joe DeRosa's Advice: "Organically weave in the mugging, it'll be a strong suit for you. That soup joke is really fucking funny." ([31:27])

[35:32] Cynthia Brazil – The Brazilian Experience

• Set: Jokes about being "thick and tired," women vs. men double standards, Vatican as "Boy Island."
• Comedy career: Less than 3 years, regular on LA's "Ding Dong Show," does standup and acting (has IMDb credits, toured Australia and Florida).
• Brief acting/singing improv with the panel.
• Ari Matti, riffing: "Once in a lifetime experience... it's your mind I'm interested in, not your body." ([42:22])
• Bottle service/bartender for income.

[43:35] Mushroom Mat – Microdosing & Bird Catcher

• Set: Lost virginity/got chlamydia; compares sexual diseases to "spicy food."
• Fidgets energetically; admits to daily microdosing mushrooms, weed use, wild animal-catching stunts:
  • "I have like my brothers... we'll catch the seagulls, bro." ([46:47])
  • Caught at least 13 birds, once got injured by a goose.
  • Once ate an ounce of mushrooms and felt "like you're in a haunted house," spirits told him to stop.
  • Wants to catch invasive snakes to help Florida with its python problem ([49:56]).
• Joe DeRosa: "Can somebody find somebody that writes comic books? There needs to be a comic book about this man." ([50:37])

[52:02] Nick James – Lovelorn Politeness & Flirty Texts

• Set: Awkward dirty talk, being way too polite in the bedroom ("I hope this isn't too tight around your neck, you bitch. Are you okay, you fucking whore. I love you.").
• Former parking ticket writer, fired for not owning a car; drives for Lyft now.
• Relatively successful with women, details recent hookup, and—uniquely—reads a shockingly explicit, clever text flirtation exchange with a recent date ([60:02–71:13]).
  • Real texts about "manho" essentials, bulge, oral, and mutual freakiness.
  • Tony: "You're a sly little doggy."
  • Ari Matti: "There's a saying in Estonian, the guy who ends up fucking the girl always comes from the corner." ([72:27])
• Nick is called "a vampire" in DMs, contrasting his meek stage persona.

[74:09] Ryan Igler – Four Months in, A Life in Music

• Set: Bit about code switching/working with special needs baseball kids and a deaf teammate.
• Guitarist—touring session work with Texas bands, recently cut for being "too rowdy onstage."
• Former child model for a Houston department store called Wieners.
• Plays guitar live; Tony says, “You’re sure as fuck not a comedian. At least not yet…” ([77:03])
• Discusses living clean and sobriety.

[82:15] Uncle Laser – Raw Crowdwork & Relationship Troubles

• Set: Story on being called the N-word by Black friends, pushing boundaries, joking about relationship drama after his pediatrician partner finds explicit material on his phone. ([83:15])
• “If a beautiful woman sends me a hot, sexy naked picture, I’m not going to thumbs up it… that’s assassin level…” ([87:44])
• Over-the-top, blustery, almost self-parody of rowdy Texas masculinity and romantic misadventures.

[91:48] J.P. Hinsdale – Trauma, Humor, and Mushrooms

• Set: Jokes about drugged-out dolphin at Galveston, ICE hiring female officers.
• Honest discussion on panic attacks, mushroom use, lifelong sadness, and family trauma:
  • Survived mother’s abuse (“she hit your head against the table... I am the boy who lived”) ([98:22–99:33])
  • Molestation as a child: "I was groomed and molested from age 5 to 15, which is a weird way of saying I peaked in high school." ([100:08])
  • Died twice: as a child and from an accidental fentanyl overdose.
  • Tony & Joe DeRosa’s encouragement: "Lean on somebody, man. Don't let that dark shit suppress your light." ([103:37])
  • Tony gifts J.P. a "new mom"—his own mother, Joy Hinchcliffe, who comes on stage to give J.P. a hug. ([104:21])

[107:22] Zach Black – Blue Collar, No Right Shoulder

• Set: Jokes about "shopping for an immigrant" at Home Depot, city segregation by ethnicity.
• Construction worker, fired for a tongue-in-cheek Instagram reel about Mexican coworkers; now bartending with zero prior experience.
• Reveals he's missing his right deltoid from a high school football injury—no one ever notices.
• Also survived heart surgery as a kid; brushes off trauma with deadpan delivery.

[116:24] Hans Kim – Closing Legend

• Set: Back from Asia; jokes about unlocking every iPhone in Asia, guns in America, and Asians taking over Harvard ("not LinkedIn, but ChinkedIn.").
  • Joe DeRosa’s punch-up: "It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore, it's going to be called Rington." ([118:01])
• Describes his "Sex and the City" trip with girlfriend and her friends, only paying for 30% ("I need like an over the pants hand job or something" [119:51])
• Announced plans for his birthday (karoake and Catan board game party).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• David Lucas: "Bitches, this is a purple mattress, ho. I gotta throw this shit out now... Just please hydrate. Don’t nobody want that mimosa ass piss!" ([07:07])
• Joe DeRosa (to Taylor Neely): "Stick to the real shit, dude... people will find you more interesting." ([19:17])
• Aaron West: "When I got sober... I woke up with a tattoo of a lobster with boobs on my arm." ([30:17])
• Mushroom Mat: "I like to catch birds... we'll dig a hole at the beach and hide under a towel, throw bread, and catch the seagulls, bro." ([46:47])
• Nick James (in DMs): "Checking my manho bag: aloof, hiding my horniness, jeans that show off my bulge." ([65:12])
• J.P. Hinsdale: "I was groomed and molested from 5 to 15, which is a weird way of saying I peaked in high school." ([100:08])
• Joe DeRosa (on trauma and recovery): "You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people... Lean on somebody, man." ([103:37])
• Zach Black: "I don't have a right shoulder because of a football injury. No right deltoid since I was 15... I think about it every 30 seconds of every day." ([111:38])
• Hans Kim: "I paid for like 30% of the Asia trip. I need like an over-the-pants hand job or something." ([119:51])

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Recurring Themes

• Addiction & Sobriety: Multiple comics shared battles with alcohol, drugs, and mushroom use. Candid, often humorous confessions abound, blurring lines between therapy and performance.
• Trauma & Survival: From psych ward stories to tales of molestation and near-death experiences, several sets dove into intensely personal history, finding unexpected laughter amidst pain.
• Dating & Sex: Awkward bedroom encounters, online flirting, and roast battles about relationships recur—raw, explicit, self-effacing.
• Roasts & Riffs: Quick-fire, playful take-downs among cast and contestants keep the energy sharp, sometimes brutal, but always in the spirit of the room.
• Comedy as Survival: Underneath the laughter, a throughline emerges about using comedy to process hardship—and the panel’s encouragement to mine real life for material.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:52] – Panel intros, band, and setting the grungy Austin vibe
• [07:07] – David Lucas opening roast
• [17:20] – Taylor Neely’s set & mental health confessions
• [27:35] – Aaron West, sobriety and “Beef Squeaks” videos
• [35:32] – Cynthia Brazil, "Ding Dong Show" & improv with Ari
• [43:35] – Mushroom Mat, catching birds and python ambitions
• [52:02–71:13] – Nick James, DM reading and dating game analysis
• [74:09] – Ryan Igler, music stories and onstage guitar solo
• [82:15] – Uncle Laser, explicit crowdwork and relationship drama
• [91:48] – J.P. Hinsdale, raw trauma, mushroom mental health
• [107:22] – Zach Black, missing shoulder, and "bartender by Google"
• [116:24] – Hans Kim closes, back from Asia, trip report, closing riff

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Final Thoughts

Episode #724 is a wild patchwork of heartbreak and hilarity, blistering honesty and brutal roast—offering a full display of the comedy world’s grit, pain, and redemption. With Tony, Redban, DeRosa, and Matti at the helm, the night is more than standup: it’s therapy, roast, game show, and open mic for souls as much as comics. The community’s support shines after the punchline.

"You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people. Don't let that dark shit suppress your light." — Joe DeRosa ([103:37])

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For more, watch full episodes at deathSquad.tv or on all major podcast platforms.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're

[Joe DeRosa]

listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and

[Joe DeRosa]

anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Joe DeRosa]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, literally, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this. It's Rare man coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin,

[Joe DeRosa]

Texas, for a brand new episode of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill Toy Gambret Pony. Let's go. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Brian Ray Ban and the best damn band in the land. Ladies and gentlemen, am I correct? Indeed. That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa, Huevos Rancheros. This is Matt Muhling right here behind me on the electric. This is John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, that is D Madness. That's the first time I've ever gotten to use the blind stick before. That's very exciting. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Shopify, Nicked and OpenPhone. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Some people, including YouTube and Netflix, are saying we're the new number one comedy show in the world. Everybody right here in Austin, Texas, where it all started in Austin. Vulcan Gas Company. Not a lot of people know this, but we came straight here during the pandemic. We didn't go anywhere else in Austin. We support no other clubs other than, of course, our new home of the comedy mothership. And we decided why not do some fun throwback episodes in the grungy fucking. One of the just the dirtiest sixth street clubs that there is. We're back at Vulcan Gas Company and you are here. Those of you lucky enough to get tickets within the first four minutes of them being on sale, we're gonna have fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? You know, every single week, I book two or one sometimes of the funniest people in the world. This is a two person show. And because we're at Vulcan and because this is just grungy, true Austin, Texas feel, to me, it's not brand new. It's smoky, it's leaky. This building is very leaky. And it just reminds me of a random ass fun night in Austin. So I invited not only two of the best comedians in the world, but two of my favorite Austinites to two of my favorite drinking buddies. Two of the best comedians in the world working today.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Indeed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Joe Derosa and Ari Matty, the Estonian assassin and the dirty pig, Joe Derosa. Vile, horrendous Estonian assassin. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Live in the flesh, Ari Matti.

[Ari Matti]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[David Lucas]

Here we go.

[Ari Matti]

How are we doing?

[David Lucas]

Okay,

[Zach Black]

thank God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari's the man. This is the dirt ball pig himself, Joe Derosa, the king pig.

[Joe DeRosa]

How are you, buddy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun tonight.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm so excited to be back here. The first time I ever did kill Tony and Austin, it was at the Vulcan and it's been at the mothership ever since. But it's so fucking cool to be back here at this place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a vibe, Ari. You got to perform here.

[Ari Matti]

Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Ari Matti]

Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were post mothership.

[Ari Matti]

Post mothership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing.

[Ari Matti]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We did it.

[Zach Black]

This is where you did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Episodes. Oh, Red band's tits are shaking. What's going on? What are you laughing at? Over here? Okay, Fun, fun, fun.

[Joe DeRosa]

Sorry, I was trying to get a look at his tits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they are some sweet.

[Joe DeRosa]

They are good tits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thick and hearty old turkey breasts over here. All right, you guys know how the show works? About a 200 or so comedians make some noise real quick. Wait, you guys are all comedians? That's psychotic. You guys don't take direction very well, but I like your energy. They're back there. That's the point. There's a couple hundred comedians smashed over on the other side of the room. The overflows at a bar next door. It's all chaos. If I pull one of their names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which loudly interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview and we talk shit and figure out more about them. They go through an entire interview process, and yeah, that's the gist of it. But to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are fans of Kill Tony? How many of you are here because you had rich parents and you live in Austin? You want to be part of the coolest thing in town? Okay, that was good. Nobody failed that test. Well, the fans of the show, you're in For a very special treat, this man is a kill Tony hall of famer to start the show tonight. He's one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Roast God makes a noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody. Oh, my God. The show starting with David Lucas. Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. I feel like I should have been 30, like, in the 80s or the 70s, because, like, girls in 2025 are too freaky for me. Like, I hate this squirting shit. I don't like it. It's like, do you think bitches were squirting during slavery? They couldn't. They were too dehydrated, you know? I don't know when this squirting shit became popular, bro. I think squirting came out with ugg boots, you know what I'm saying? You hoes started wearing uggs and started pissing everywhere. It's weird. It's always weird when you fuck a girl and she squirt, she's like, oh, my God, I just squirted. It's like, bitch, you didn't squirt. You just fucked my mattress up. Bitches, this is a purple mattress, ho. I gotta throw this shit out now. But, ladies, if you do have to squirt, which we know by now is pee, we just have one request. Just please hydrate. You know what I'm saying? Drink some fucking water, because don't nobody want that mimosa ass piss. You hoes be having that shit. Be strong as hell. Like mixing Clorox with Fabuloso.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta.

[David Lucas]

I gotta wear goggles to eat your pussy, bitch. All right, that's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I just look at this gay nigga and start laughing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Who, me, nigga?

[David Lucas]

Your head too big to be gay,

[Joe DeRosa]

David, don't you find that the squirt dilutes the barbecue sauce stains that are already on the mattress? I mean, she's doing you a favor, Joe Derosa.

[David Lucas]

Big head bitch. When you eat a bitch out, your forehead gonna be giving her tongue kisses.

[Joe DeRosa]

You have so many food packages delivered to your house, they had to change the name of the app to Post Office Mates.

[David Lucas]

You look like you got a football helmet on, nigga. Shut the fuck up. Fucking New York jets helmet wearing motherfucker. You got a big ass head, nigga. You if you head but a nigga, you going to jail for murder.

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought they discontinued chocolate Twizzlers. You have them on your head right now.

[David Lucas]

Jesus Christ, bro. I hate to See, you put on a fucking motorcycle helmet, nigga. God damn. How would you be an astronaut? That's.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know.

[David Lucas]

I just want to shoot you in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talking about making girls squirt. Is that a thing that you do? Can you do that? Yeah, how do you. How do you do that? What? Are you sure it's not your sweat that's there? The end of a session.

[David Lucas]

You the only nigga that can squirt. Get the fuck out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow.

[David Lucas]

Now you put it in and then you go like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[David Lucas]

Curl it.

[Ari Matti]

One finger.

[David Lucas]

I got big fingers, dog.

[Ari Matti]

So this got really tiny fingers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

The bowling ball.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, give it a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Speaking of bowling balls, David Lucas is still here. Round and black indeed. How's life been, David?

[David Lucas]

Life has been amazing. They just trying to stay away from gay like you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, how often are you around gay n words like me?

[David Lucas]

Every time I do. Every time I do. Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a.

[David Lucas]

Real homophobia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're wiping a lot of sweat off your face.

[David Lucas]

It's hot up here, dog. God, this bitch. Smoky, is it? This shit like a fucking. This shit like a rap music video, sir. That girl is poisoned. I feel like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, the fuck, David, what else you been up to? You been on the road and stuff?

[David Lucas]

Yes, sir. Touring all across the country, doing the Killers of Kill Tony tour. Me ahrii Cam. Martin Phillips, Aaron Blough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's it like?

[Ari Matti]

It's a cripple, three blacks and me killers have killed Tony.

[David Lucas]

It's the most Kill Tony ever, bro.

[Ari Matti]

It is.

[David Lucas]

Two retards, a white and three niggas. That shit fun as hell, bro. I hope that don't never stop. I have so much fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell me about, like, the road part, not the shows. What's it like, like being out with Martin Phillips and stuff?

[David Lucas]

I don't go out with that nigga.

[Taylor Neely]

I do.

[David Lucas]

You do.

[Aaron West]

Yeah, I do.

[Ari Matti]

I have time. I have patience.

[David Lucas]

Ar be riding in the car, dude,

[Ari Matti]

when it's windy outside, we're going wherever the wind takes us. You know what? I'm Martin ain't fighting wind. You know, who lean towards the direction and hopes for the best.

[David Lucas]

You know Martin Phillips drives from show to show.

[Ari Matti]

I'm driving. I'm in his car. I know.

[David Lucas]

You probably must.

[Ari Matti]

Scariest shit, dude. I take edibles and I just watch Martin drive. Dude, we're overtaking people. We're smoking weed. It's crazy. You should see when people look in the car and they're like, he's driving.

[David Lucas]

Goddamn right. That Weird as hell, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[David Lucas]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness.

[David Lucas]

You should join us on one, dog. That should have been hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll pop in on one.

[David Lucas]

People always ask, where's Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's a separate.

[David Lucas]

I'd be like, somewhere getting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Son of a. How dare you. What do you eat when you're on the road?

[David Lucas]

Everything.

[Ari Matti]

You should see the writer. When in the group chat. Everyone gets their order. You should see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please tell. Please give me the.

[Zach Black]

Wait.

[Ari Matti]

I wish I had my phone.

[David Lucas]

The Russian that killed Apollo Creed is try to. Roman. I must get the out of here. Boy, with that goddamn wham bam. Sure. Though that look like comic. Comic book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The way he keeps doing jokes. I can tell there's a lot on this rider. I want to know more about the rider.

[Ari Matti]

No, hit us with the rider.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two rotisserie chicken.

[Ari Matti]

Oh, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three packs of watermelon kool Aid.

[Joe DeRosa]

The producers are like, this is not an easy rider.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It literally just looks like a list of stereotypes. One CD burner.

[Joe DeRosa]

This guy's got one hell of a chicken bucket list.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One fire detector with no batteries.

[David Lucas]

Hey, man, you. You gonna ask for avocado size? Ibuprofen. Big head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three job applications. Tony, a probation officer live in the flesh. David Lucas's rider, everybody. That's what's waiting for you in green rooms. If you guys.

[David Lucas]

Tony, you want pickles and cucumbers?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm surprised you know what those vegetables are.

[David Lucas]

David.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a bitch. How dare you? Son of a bitch. We're having fun here. David, you are the greatest person to get a show started. You are so much fun. Anything else you want to say to this audience? What do you say to these people?

[David Lucas]

Nah, y' all know where to find me at. David.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this Indian guy with a backwards hat trying to.

[David Lucas]

That's an Indian. That nigga black as hell. That look like a character on Mortal Kombat. You can't unlock. That black as boy. What the. He really put the end in Indian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn. That is why I know, because you Indian for real. You ain't a nigga.

[David Lucas]

God damn, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why I know, because I was looking. I'm like, oh, thank God we have a cool black. Ah, it's a. It's a tech guy from San Francisco. Am I right? You work in tech. You grew up here, but you work. You work in tech. Yes, of course. Of course I do. I'm from Austin. Don't ever say you're from. You got tech, but. Right. But you go again, I swear To God. I'm from Texas. I have multiple guns. 9 millimeter.

[David Lucas]

He is a black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He blackest shit he is. This is the darkest Indian I've ever seen in my life.

[David Lucas]

You could see his red dot if he had one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, looks like slum doggy dog.

[David Lucas]

He working at 7:11 and still out of the cash register.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He looks like he'd fly an airplane into a kfc.

[David Lucas]

If he tried to fly one, it'd run out of gas before he hit a building.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he definitely wouldn't have insurance on his airplane.

[David Lucas]

No seat belts on his plane. Well, your ass be holding on like

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you riding the train, but two 12 inch subwoofers for some reason in the cockpit. All right, David Lucas, you're the man. You got it started. Here we go. It's on Kill Tony. Live from Vulcan Gas Company, that's the Kil Tony hall of Famer right there starting the show. David Lucas, one of four members of the hall of fame. All right, this is your first bucket pool tonight. This is where anything can happen. Maybe it's a local top rising young comedian. Maybe it's someone that's been trying for years to get on this show. Maybe it's a completely insane person. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Taylor Neely, everybody. Taylor Neely is starting the bucket portion of the show. Here we go. Make some noise one more time for Taylor Neely, everyone.

[Taylor Neely]

I recently. I recently found out I'm 2% Italian, so I have been hitting my girlfriend. I got some bad news today. My veterinarian called and told me my dog is sick. Like he's really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut up.

[Taylor Neely]

Yeah, he's really fucking sick. Like he can't stop riding skateboards and smoking cigarettes. My dog is sick, dude. Are you guys afraid of artificial intelligence? Yeah, I'm not. But I have smoked crack cocaine with the homeless and that is something chatgpt cannot do. After this. Actually, I'm going to order a Waymo and have it drive me off a bridge the other day. You ever see someone in the front seat of a Waymo? It looks like they're having their imaginary friend drive the car. The other day I saw a homeless person washing the windshield on a Waymo. It's a driverless car. Also, there was no one in that car. It was a personless car. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Taylor Neely, you've been on this show before, correct?

[Mushroom Mat]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome back. How long has it been?

[Taylor Neely]

October.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you sign up every week?

[Taylor Neely]

Pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. How long have you been on Stand up.

[Taylor Neely]

A little over four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. All of it here in Austin?

[Taylor Neely]

No, in Atlanta before this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long have you been here?

[Taylor Neely]

Since August.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since August. Okay. All right. How's this different than Atlanta? Tell the people around the world how Austin's different than Atlanta.

[Taylor Neely]

Let's all say it together. Less black. That's true. That's true. It's a true thing.

[Hans Kim]

I'm not making that up.

[Taylor Neely]

It's not racist. It's just a true thing.

[Joe DeRosa]

I want to give an honest critique of your set. I thought when you stopped trying to be shocking, which you were trying to do at the beginning, and when you stopped saying things that were obviously fake about your dog playing Xbox, whatever the fuck that was. When you started to actually say real things, you saw, you started getting big laughs, man. Stick to that shit. Stick to the real shit, dude.

[Taylor Neely]

Yeah, well, I wanted to. Last time I was here.

[Zach Black]

I did.

[Taylor Neely]

I did, like, audience call and response stuff. And Tony, you didn't like that as much, so I wanted to just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neither did the crowd or the viewers at home. I like that you're putting it on me. Well, nobody liked it. It's not like I have some irrational viewpoint.

[Ari Matti]

You almost went into the crowd during your set, too. You almost went off.

[Taylor Neely]

Someone was talking.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, yeah, we noticed when you said, shut the fuck up. Yeah, we were aware.

[Taylor Neely]

Yeah, but I just. I just wanted to do a bunch of jokes back to back is what I wanted to do. That was my plan, and I did that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, you did your plan jokes back to back. Next time, do good ones. What do you do for work?

[Taylor Neely]

Handyman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a handyman. You have huge forearms. I'm noticing you have Popeye like forearms.

[Taylor Neely]

I. I did wrestle from first grade to senior of high school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Taylor Neely]

In Ohio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So you're originally from Ohio?

[Taylor Neely]

Yes, Columbus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Taylor Neely]

I was just outside Youngstown, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing outside in Youngstown?

[Taylor Neely]

I was visiting my friend who lives in Boardman. Nothing cool. Just visiting my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's where the rich kids are from.

[Taylor Neely]

Is that true? It seemed like a nice area, because I know some areas aren't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Youngstowns. Boardman's a township outside. The people say when they move to other cities, they go, I'm from Youngstown. And I can always tell. I go, boardman. Yeah, because they look normal and human, like they had parents and water as a kid. Yeah, it's a whole thing. People from Youngstown get it. Don't worry about it. Not the victim. What do you do for fun, Taylor?

[Taylor Neely]

For fun I golf. I love to golf, go to the gym. I'm sober, so I have to not drink.

[Ari Matti]

Why are you sober?

[Taylor Neely]

Because I'm an alcoholic and a drug.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened?

[Taylor Neely]

I'll smoke. Yeah, I'll smoke crack cocaine immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Ari Matti]

You've smoked crack cocaine?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was bottom? What was bottom?

[Joe DeRosa]

Bottom there's lower than crack cocaine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but I want to know the bottom. The worst thing that. No, I'm not saying drugs. Worse. I want to know what's going on. The most regretful night of crack you've ever done. The world wants to know. And now he answers the question.

[Taylor Neely]

Well, since I've been to Austin, I've been to the psych ward twice, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Turns out bottom is in the basement.

[Joe DeRosa]

Why are you not talking about that in your act? That's. That's the you got to do instead of your dogs riding a skateboard around town. Thought you were in a goddamn psych ward.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, turns out your dog's healthier than you are. Tell us about the psych ward.

[Taylor Neely]

Yeah, well, I was on the regular floor, like for sad people.

[Joe DeRosa]

The regular floor.

[Taylor Neely]

Oh, yeah, the floor. The regular sad people floor. In the floor above are like, the real crazy people. We went into this, like, gymnasium one day, and there was this guy, just like some people you see out on 6th Street. Like, legitimately crazy people. And he started yelling about Joe Biden and saying this was Joe Biden's fault and just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, that guy's right. He's not that crazy. That guy sounds like a genius to me. That's the same shit I was saying. And I wasn't in the psych ward at all.

[Joe DeRosa]

I love, though. I love that no matter how low of a bottom somebody hits, they always think there's somebody worse, right? So he's in a psych ward and they're like, no, no, no. The really crazy people are up there. No, no, no. You're on the normal crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're showing signs of improvement. You're doing good. Stick with us here. Your program's almost up. Those guys are going to be here forever. Those ones that are right about modern day politics. Okay, Taylor, give us one more crazy fun fact about you.

[Taylor Neely]

One more crazy fun fact about me? Oh, Guy Fieri paid me $1,000 one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's go back, actually. So when you say you've been to the psych ward here twice, was that immediately after, like, crazy crack benders?

[Taylor Neely]

No, just. It was alcohol withdrawal and I said I was going to kill myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what floor is that?

[Ari Matti]

Regular.

[Mushroom Mat]

How?

[Taylor Neely]

What?

[Ari Matti]

Kill Yourself is first floor or second or third?

[Taylor Neely]

Second floor. Third floor is.

[Ari Matti]

What's third? That's what.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I want to go real crazy.

[Taylor Neely]

Second is just sad alcoholics and one is administrative, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How close did you come to actually killing yourself, do you think?

[Taylor Neely]

I don't know. When you get alcohol withdrawal, DTS are pretty rough and you're shaking and seeing bugs out of the corner your eye and it sucks a lot. And I had like guns out in my apartment and my friend came over and then he called the police. It was more for a cry of help. I don't know if I would have

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

done it, but how much were you drinking right before then to have those types of withdrawals?

[Taylor Neely]

Oh, this is the most pussy shit ever. I drank twisted teas for like 24 hours a day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24 hours a day.

[Ari Matti]

Such a funny alcoholic. Put them on the teas, dog.

[Joe DeRosa]

Put him on the first floor. He's not crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's just a.

[Ari Matti]

Suicidal over a te

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the out of here. A somebody have too much tea.

[Taylor Neely]

Too much tea.

[Ari Matti]

Crack and twisted tea.

[Hans Kim]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. Turns out I have all the tea 24 hours of day. It's twisted. Holy man. So 24 hours a day. Let's talk about the amount. Let's talk about a measurable like amount. Are we talking tall cans?

[Taylor Neely]

I don't know. Because I think once you go through DTs the first time, your body goes to it quicker the second time. And it's just 30 to 5012 ounce cans a day.

[Ari Matti]

That's a lot of sugar.

[Taylor Neely]

Is that a lot? Yeah, no, yeah, it's also the.

[Ari Matti]

That's a lot of sugar, bro.

[Joe DeRosa]

I think David Lucas has your same addiction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he does the non alcoholic twisted tea. Hey, yo, give me 30, 50 cans of that. All right, Taylor, So that's crazy.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would you do in these states of mind? 30, 50 twisted TE's in.

[Taylor Neely]

Oh, watch college football and watch, watch, watch Bob does sports on YouTube. Watch YouTube videos and pass out and come to watching long form golf videos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Taylor Neely]

I went to the psych ward the when Ohio State played Oregon. I passed out halfway through that game. And then I went to the psych ward that night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was a rough game.

[Taylor Neely]

Hey, but guess who won it all. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got him back, buddy. Oh, all right, my friend. Congratulations. Fun times. Interesting, interesting stuff. I agree with Joe. Rough start, but at the end you picked it up. Talk about your crazy life, dude. People will find you more interesting. You come across as a sober Jesse Pinkman. You gotta get into the good. Give us that good. You guys having fun yet? You. Oh, my God, it's Heidi. Holy. Holy shit. All right, all right. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Aaron West. Aaron West. How many you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right, well, we'll see what happens here. Aaron West. Okay, here we go. Any second. She's coming from the east. Here he is. Make some noise one more time for Aaron West.

[Aaron West]

Well, howdy, howdy, howdy, y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All. Welcome to a little place I like to call Texas.

[Aaron West]

No, I've never been here before. Never been to this building. So tonight I was a little bit confused. You see, I was turning the corner and I saw an ocean of homeless people and a giant ass line to the front door. And I thought, well, damn, that place must have some pretty good soup.

[Mushroom Mat]

You see, you know, it's a good

[Aaron West]

soup kitchen when people with shoes start lining up. Didn't know whether to get the hobo bisque or the cream of Vagrant. Same suit, but a little more, you know, floaters. Now, folks, today I saw a sports car. I know what you're thinking, fellas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sports car. Oh, yeah.

[Aaron West]

This is a Dodge Challenger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Easy Bubba.

[Aaron West]

And it had a decal on it

[Michael Gonzalez]

that said scat Pack.

[Aaron West]

Now, call me old fashioned, but isn't pack and scat just a fancy term for butt sex? This is my impersonation of a Hispanic man working at a Burger King moments after Dolly Parton walks out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, top button.

[Aaron West]

You see her? She had some Impossible Whoppers. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Aaron West, I like your style, man. You're a silly goose. I'm a little out there. Yeah, I like it. How long you been doing stand up?

[Aaron West]

On and off. But mainly off for about 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Hell, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Why off? Why are you stopping?

[Aaron West]

I like to drink new cocaine a lot more than I like to sit down and write.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Aaron West]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Not anymore. Let's talk a little bit more about this here.

[Aaron West]

It's a common theme.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So what's your lowest point?

[Aaron West]

Yeah, I mean, similar. You know, you get to a point where.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second floor. Oh, oh, I'm at the basement.

[Aaron West]

Third floor, I'm at the basement with a shovel.

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Aaron West]

Probably the last day I drank.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Oh,

[Aaron West]

the last day I drank, folks, it was like any other day,

[Uncle Laser]

except

[Aaron West]

for I wasn't as drunk as I wanted to be. I was too drunk. And the next day I woke up with a tattoo of a lobster with boobs on my arm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's when I knew.

[Aaron West]

Put the cap on the bottle and put it in the basement, man. And that's where I was heading. Basement with a shovel.

[Mushroom Mat]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You fit in just right around here. What do you do for work?

[Aaron West]

I work at a restaurant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a waiter? Yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

How.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Aaron West]

35.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

35. Okay. What do you do for fun?

[Aaron West]

Well, I. I write a lot. I make little wacky videos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Aaron West]

They're called Beef Squeaks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beef Squeaks? Explain to us what those are.

[Aaron West]

It's like a one man show I write on my. It's me doing multiple characters kind of like this, but a little more zany.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, it gets zanier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It does, okay.

[Aaron West]

Yeah, it really does. When it's just me and a camera. Lock the doors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the perfect word to describe him is zany. He's extremely zany. Speaking of which, Joe DeRosa's performing at Zany's in Nashville June 27th and 28th.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was very nice. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Because he's also zany.

[Joe DeRosa]

I am zany. I hope to see you all there. I enjoy your zaniness. I think if you figure out a way to be a little more organic with the mugging stuff, you know, that stuff. I feel like if you figure out a way to organically weave that in a little bit more, it's gonna be a really strong suit for you. But I thought your jokes were really funny. Man. That soup joke is really fucking funny.

[Aaron West]

Appreciate it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you married?

[Aaron West]

No, it's. I wear this for sobriety. It's like a promise to myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow.

[Aaron West]

I meant to leave it in my pocket, but they were wanding me down and I put it on my finger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. How long have you had that sobriety ring on your finger?

[Aaron West]

So I guess I was serious about sobriety once. I hit a year and I'm four and a half years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Zach Black]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's.

[Ari Matti]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's really wild. Really sober.

[Aaron West]

Like I'm. It's really wild. I've never done comedy sober.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. You mean. You mean till 10?

[Aaron West]

Yes. I hadn't done comedy in about seven, eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your first time doing it in seven and doing it sober? Yes.

[Zach Black]

Incredible. Wow.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. A lot of people, when they get sober from a crippling addiction, they fill their lives with another addiction. What do you think that addiction is? Since you haven't done standup since then, it must be something Else. Is it women rollerblading? What is it?

[Aaron West]

Or if they're walking. No, I like. I like. I collect artwork. Paintings. I have a lot of, like, a crazy amount of paintings. It's, like, kind of disgusting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Wow. Some gold diggers right up there.

[Aaron West]

I mean, floor to ceiling. My place is. Is like, you know the, like, Etsy Gallery walls, Like, every single wall is covered. It's. It's kind of like people walk into my place and they're like, set back a little bit. It's a tiny little apartment in a nicer area, but it's super cheap. I tell people it's like it's a forgotten apartment complex because all these, like, mansions were built around it. And they were like, well, the pool boy has to live somewhere. And, like, those are our fucking apartments.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like, what are the paintings of?

[Aaron West]

I mainly. I personally love paintings of, like, 18th century. Like, kind of like Mr. Burns. Like, creepy men. Like, that's like, what I have.

[Ari Matti]

You look like a creepy Mr. Burns.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A young Mr. Burns.

[Aaron West]

That is spy mirrors.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's why people get creeped out. Every painting in your house looks like a painting you cut the eyes out of to spy on people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a lot of people that look like you.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe there's a young, unsuccessful David Copperfield in there. Oh, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

Are you Greek?

[Aaron West]

Am I what?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Are you Greek?

[Aaron West]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Latino. Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're into Latino fashion, I see.

[Aaron West]

Well, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did that as a joke earlier. Red band. That was a thing. Remember? He did it?

[Aaron West]

No, I'm German and German and Cherokee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

German and what?

[Aaron West]

And chef.

[Ari Matti]

The happened there?

[Aaron West]

I. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we hate party with them.

[Aaron West]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right, Aaron. Fun times, buddy. I liked your set. Here's a big joke book. Aaron West. On to the next one we got.

[Joe DeRosa]

Fascinating, man. Keep doing it.

[Ari Matti]

Start doing after seven years.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. There he goes. Aaron west, everybody. Fun times. That's your kind of guy. He's a real hipster. He's got paintings on his wall. You're. Joe Derosa is a hip guy.

[Joe DeRosa]

I feel like if I got sober, I would act like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would, which is why I keep drinking. What's up, everybody? Whoa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, thanks for having me, Tony. I'll be at Zany's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Cynthia Brazil, everybody. Cynthia Brazil. Here she is. One more time for Cynthia, everyone.

[Cynthia Brazil]

Ladies, I am thick and tired. Now. I'm not gonna beat around the bush because I am Brazilian. We don't do Bush. But as a woman, in order to savor 2 ounces of sausage, I have to put up with a 200 pound pig. And I don't hate men. I shave my armpits. But for example, if girls fuck boys, they're called sluts. If men do the exact same, they win an island. I'm not talking about Jeff Epstein. I'm talking about Boy Island. Not the TV show, the Vatican. Hallelujah. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Cynthia. Brazil. Man. What's crazy about that set is that the fuckboy island thing would have worked had we already not been convinced that you weren't funny before that. Ouch. Everything.

[Ari Matti]

Shut up. I love her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really. Shut up, Tony.

[Ari Matti]

That was amazing, Cynthia. Wow, that was incredible, Cynthia. I can totally mentor you later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Cynthia. Shut up, Tony.

[Ari Matti]

Voice of a generation. Cynthia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cynthia. How long you been doing stand up?

[Cynthia Brazil]

A little less than three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been on the show before?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, less than three years.

[Joe DeRosa]

Where?

[Cynthia Brazil]

the Ding Dong show every Monday with Dawn Barris.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Cynthia Brazil]

I've done Australia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been on the Ding Dong Show?

[Cynthia Brazil]

It's gonna be a year next month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is so cool. I did not know that. So you've been doing the Ding Dong show every Monday for a year?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do on the Ding Dong Show? For those of you that don't know, the Ding Dong show is famously the longest running show at the Comedy Store. It's not particularly a standup show. It's led by the great Don Barris, who's been our guest numerous times. The creator of the great movie Windy City Heat, and he has a very. How would you describe the show?

[Cynthia Brazil]

It's hard to describe. I do stand up. Nicole Tran is in it too. She does stand up. But there are some people that do their stuff and they're a little bit crazy. Well, you know, you're familiar with the people that come here. A little autistic. A little crazy. Yeah. And you know, we welcome everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Yeah. It's a very open format. So how long of a set do you do there on Mondays now?

[Cynthia Brazil]

I've been doing six, but before it was like 10, 15 sometimes, but. But then Don is amazing. Don and Mary Jane. So it's been really good to be over there learning from them and all that stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many spots a week do you live in la?

[Cynthia Brazil]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so like, you get out a lot and do spots, open mics and stuff?

[Cynthia Brazil]

I do, yeah. I. I did like a mini tour in Florida with Phil Medina and Jason Schuster. I did east coast. I've done Australia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you make money?

[Ari Matti]

Let her finish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two shots of whiskey in the green room. What would have happened if you would have done three?

[Ari Matti]

Go ahead, my angel. I have another tour for you, by the way.

[Cynthia Brazil]

Bottle service and bartending.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, yeah, okay. That's in la?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Yes, that's in la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. You do bottle service in la?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. D Madness. I found a new all blind bar you can go to. It's. It's for blind people that don't care how hot the bottle service girls are.

[Cynthia Brazil]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody.

[Cynthia Brazil]

What the. I'm kidding twice today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I'm kidding. Cynthia. It's a. It's an ongoing joke between me and Ari. He likes you. We're doing good.

[Ari Matti]

Cop out, Tony. I'm leaving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ouch. Cynthia, what do you do for fun? You have kids?

[Cynthia Brazil]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yes. Oh, red band. Oh, red band's got a chance all of a sudden.

[Ari Matti]

What the was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know how to do makeup body shots?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Not that kind of club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Anyway. Cynthia, what do you do for fun?

[Cynthia Brazil]

I don't know. I don't go out as much now because I'm at a concert venue like three times a week. So just, you know, hiking, go to the gym, go to the movies. I started with acting before I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ever do any acting?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you play?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Well, there's a lot of, like, credits on IMDb, so I've done, like, action movies. I've done, like, a kids show too, where I got to sing. That was a really cheesy one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't we do a little acting scene? Why don't we do. Ari, Maddie is a secret agent.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, Ari, Maddie's a secret agent. And the only way you're gonna let her out of the interrogation the only way you're gonna let her out of the interrogation is she has to sing to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Cynthia Brazil]

That was Shakita.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here we go. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this summer, what happens when an Estonian secret agent has to interrogate a blonde chick?

[Ari Matti]

Cynthia, my angel, we have to save the world.

[Cynthia Brazil]

Okay, that's good.

[Ari Matti]

Improvise. We have to save the world, Cynthia. And for this to happen, to stop the nuclear attack on America, we have to kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's good acting. That's good improvising right there. Keep going, keep going.

[Ari Matti]

Cynthia, you must sing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, Shakira.

[Cynthia Brazil]

Hips don't lie, but men do. I called you man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Most people call you gay.

[Cynthia Brazil]

I was respectful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right, very good. I can't understand anything you're saying. It's all good.

[Cynthia Brazil]

We're not alone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's all good.

[Cynthia Brazil]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Great scene, guys. Unbelievable.

[Ari Matti]

That was great, Cynthia. Once in a lifetime experience. Literally amazing. Daniel Day Lewis. It's your mind that I'm interested, not your body.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cynthia, did you have fun here tonight?

[Cynthia Brazil]

Oh, so much fun. So grateful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here you go. Here's a medium joke book. You're gonna be able to catch it. Believe in yourself. There you go. Cynthia Brazil, everyone. Thank you. I'm not going to be able to catch it. I'm not going to be able to catch it. There she goes. Cynthia Brazil, everybody. This looks like a fun next name. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. It's Mushroom Matte. Mushroom Mat. This is definitely a first time. Could be a mat we've seen before on mushrooms. Or it's just a new comedian. Mushroom mat. I would know if I've seen a mushroom mat before. How many you like aqua oxygen out there? How many of you like air? How many of you like a cold water on a hot day? Yeah. One more time for Mushroom Mat, everybody.

[Mushroom Mat]

All right. My love life has been cursed from the jump. First girl I hooked up with lost my virginity, gained chlamydia. Didn't even know I had it. For over a year, I thought I was getting that burning sensation because my girlfriend had a spicy pussy. Okay, I realize that sounds childish. I was 16. I wasn't even surprised when I started getting that burn. I mean, she literally said her pussy was fire. On top of that, the bitch would eat hot Cheetos for breakfast. If pineapples make your body fluids taste sweet, what the fuck do you think that's gonna do? Here's the sick, twisted. Here's the sick, twisted part about the whole ordeal. When I did find out chlamydia, I didn't want the cure. Turns out I liked it. Okay, I realize that sounds sick. Let me try to explain. I love spicy food. If I can order something spicy, I do. Fried rice, spicy salsa, spicy ramen, spicy as hell. Sex spicy police. Y' all don't realize the head of your dick and the tip of your tongue are like cousins. Chlamydia is pretty much a sexual. It spices up the bedroom. It is hot sauce for your hot dog. All right.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Mushroom mat. Never. I've never had a guy talk about pussy his whole set. And yet we're all positive you're gay. It's incredible.

[Mushroom Mat]

Damn. Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are deep in the closet. Mushroom mat.

[Taylor Neely]

No,

[Joe DeRosa]

you gotta relax, man. Yeah, it's not good to deliver your set like A car salesman who, if he doesn't make the sale, he's gonna lose his job. Just chill out, bro. Okay?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Okay.

[Mushroom Mat]

I'm very antsy guy. Normally I have, like, really high energy.

[Joe DeRosa]

Are you on mushrooms?

[Mushroom Mat]

No. Well, like, it depends on what you consider on. I microdose every day.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, yeah, that's on.

[Mushroom Mat]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

What the fuck is going on anymore in this society? Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Depends on what you consider on every day. He said some Jordan Peterson right there, right? Well, depends what you consider on. I mean, you're on it, buddy. That's mushrooms. You do it every day.

[Mushroom Mat]

Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else do you do every day? That's about it.

[Mushroom Mat]

I mean, I smoke weed as well, Matt.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's plenty. Don't add anything else to that equation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Mushroom Mat]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Mushroom Mat]

I am a bartender at the Lion Hotel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long have you been doing that for?

[Mushroom Mat]

About a month. I just moved out here about three months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From where? The Bay Area. Ooh, the Bay Area.

[Michael Gonzalez]

It's raining bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[Joe DeRosa]

You might be the first bartender in history where a customer doesn't have a problem ever getting another drink. What do you need? What do you need?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you need?

[Mushroom Mat]

No, I'm very quick. Very quick. I can make 20 drinks in five minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true? Yeah. We're gonna put that to the test right after this set, everybody. Wait, what? Okay. What do you do for fun? Mushroom, Matt.

[Mushroom Mat]

So I'm really good at catching birds.

[Joe DeRosa]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do that with like one hands?

[Mushroom Mat]

Well, yeah, so like, usually it's with. I have like, my brothers. We will dig a hole at the beach, and then I'll hide inside of the hole under a towel. And then my brothers will throw bread on top and then we'll catch the seagulls, bro.

[Ari Matti]

Do less shrooms, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

Matt, why the do you do that?

[Mushroom Mat]

It's.

[Joe DeRosa]

God damn it.

[Mushroom Mat]

Why do people go fishing? It's for the thrill, right?

[Zach Black]

I mean, it's the same thing.

[Mushroom Mat]

I like to fish too.

[Ari Matti]

Going fishing and catching birds are not the same thing.

[Joe DeRosa]

And seagulls are easy to catch, man. Man, that's.

[Mushroom Mat]

Yeah, it's fun too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many birds do you think you've caught in your life?

[Mushroom Mat]

Probably in like double digits. At least 13.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At least 13 birds have been caught. And have any ever shown any signs of injury after?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

No.

[Mushroom Mat]

No abs.

[Michael Gonzalez]

No.

[Mushroom Mat]

I show more signs of injury. I caught a goose one times and it smacked me in the face with its wing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Just when you thought A seagull's life couldn't get any shittier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello. What do you want to drink? Seagull. My pussy's burning.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is a spicy seagull.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this seagull smells like shit.

[Michael Gonzalez]

I like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Mushroom Mat. Why do you go by the name Mushroom Mat if you're just microdosing?

[Mushroom Mat]

Well, I do macrodose every once in a while as well. I've done an ounce of before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've done an ounce before at once?

[Mushroom Mat]

My birthday, three years ago. It was a good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly happened after you did an ounce?

[Mushroom Mat]

Everything got super weird. It's.

[Ari Matti]

I think it's still pretty weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I mean, that's eight times more than a lot.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So things get super weird when I do a fraction of that. How do you explain super weird? The birds were catching me. They put me in a towel. I was just nibbling on their bread and they grabbed me. I'm straight. Get off me. Birds. You bitches. Birds.

[Mushroom Mat]

No. Everything kind of just feels like you're in a haunted house. It kind of gets scary. It feels like there's spirits running around, but, like, sometimes they talk to you and you make friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Do you remember what any of the spirits told you?

[Mushroom Mat]

They told me not to do that many mushrooms again.

[Hans Kim]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Spirits didn't bring up the birds at all?

[Mushroom Mat]

No, the seagulls are. They said they keep doing that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, mushroom out. What are you doing around town when you're not doing stand up or bartending?

[Mushroom Mat]

I like to go fishing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you do go fishing. You're obsessed with catching animals.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mushroom Mat]

I have considered moving to Florida to, like, catch snakes in the Everglades to help with the python problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Adds up.

[Mushroom Mat]

I love catching animals.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did you know there was a python problem? This guy's filled with info I was not aware of.

[Ari Matti]

What's the python problem?

[Mushroom Mat]

So in the Everglades, there's just like, a lot of pythons, like Burmese pythons. I guess the Hurricane Katrina, like, released all the pet store snakes, and so they just ran rampant inside of the Everglades and they're, like, eating alligators and shit now.

[Aaron West]

It's pretty crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And okay,

[Taylor Neely]

it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you think you could help with that? You think you could be one of the single hand solutions to the python problem?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mushroom Mat]

Yeah, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

I have a question for the audience. Does any. Just raise your hand? Does anybody in this audience write comic books?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

Can somebody find somebody that writes this? There needs to be a Comic book about this man.

[Taylor Neely]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Would you not read the comic book of Mushroom Matthons?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, I'd skip it.

[Joe DeRosa]

I gotta tell you, it's a bad idea. I thought it sounded good at first.

[Ari Matti]

Now Cynthia needs to be a comic book hero.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like, Mushroom Matt? In real life?

[Mushroom Mat]

It's not great. It's not great. I've been single for a long time. I guess I'm kind of just looking for the right girl.

[Ari Matti]

You must crazy, huh?

[Uncle Laser]

That energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

[Zach Black]

Kiss?

[Mushroom Mat]

Yes, I have kissed a girl. Yes, I went on a date.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mushroom Mat. Fun times. Here's a little joke book, my friend. Boom. Mushroom. Thank you. You're so the lovely Heidi, everybody. And look, there's a local public defender here, everyone. Amazing. It's one of the better public defenders in the city. All right, you guys having fun here tonight, huh? Make some noise for your next bucketful. Nick James, everyone. Nick James. Here he comes. One more time for Nick James, everyone.

[Michael Gonzalez]

All right, thank you. Thank you. I don't know how to say this. I'm not sexy, like, at all. It's. And I can't even dirty talk right either. Like, I just sound way too polite and dorky. Like, I had this girlfriend, and she would always say things like, nick, I want you to eat my pussy from the back. And me being me, I would just be like, well, okay, You betcha. Whoa. There you go. And the same night, she was like, you know what? Take the condom off. I don't care anymore. Just fuck me raw. And I'm just like, well, splendid. I will happily oblige. Thank you. All right. After that, she's like, all right, Nick, I want you to do something crazy. I want you to choke me. I want you to demean me. I want you to say mean, wild shit. And I do all that. But even then, I'm still like, well, I hope this isn't too tight around your neck, you bitch. Are you okay? You fucking whore. I love you. All right, there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nick James. The return of Nick James. We know Nick. He's been on the show a few times.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Hey, how's it going?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome back. Still working at the parking lot?

[Michael Gonzalez]

No, I got fired from that, actually.

[Aaron West]

Ooh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why'd you get fired?

[Michael Gonzalez]

They found out I didn't have a car for most of my employment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And why did. Well, why was that a problem?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Because they require you to have a car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, that'll do it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Why, though? Why do you have to have a car to park cars.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Well, no, I was writing. Don't boo me again. But I was writing parking tickets, damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Super villain.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not very polite of you, Matt. Not very polite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you used to boot people, too, sometimes?

[Michael Gonzalez]

No, no, it was just riding parking tickets. And now I can talk about this freely since I'm not working there anymore. Half the time, I would just like. All right, dude, you know what? Just tell me you're proud of me,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and I'll let you off.

[Michael Gonzalez]

You know, like, I'll just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow,

[Joe DeRosa]

that's a great joke. Is that one of your jokes? No, do that as one of your jokes.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah, okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's a great joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Yeah.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Thank you. That's just my personality, but thank you, Joe. All right, cool.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're welcome. I think you're funny, man.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Mushroom Mat]

How long have you done stand up?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Oh, see, not counting that weird Covid year like this. It was actually my sixth year as of last week.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, Your pacing was good. I like that I came out calm. Pacing was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was good.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah. Dude, I was so nervous, I almost tripped up the stairs on my way up here. So thank you. That means a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually. What do you do now that you don't work at a parking lot?

[Michael Gonzalez]

I do lift full time, so I'm unemployed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, so now you have a car?

[Michael Gonzalez]

I do, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got fired for not having a car?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Like, I. I got fired, and then two weeks later, I bought a car. I'm like, can I have my job back? And they're like, you. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, wow.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah, they're real dicks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who would guess?

[Aaron West]

Oh, I'm sorry. What was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who would have guessed that the people in charge of writing tickets were dicks? Yeah. What kind of car did you get?

[Michael Gonzalez]

I got a 23 Chevy Malibu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A Chevy Malibu?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, my God.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Good man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's it like swimming in bitches?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Well, I'm gonna be honest. I had a bit of a dry spell for the last three months, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way.

[Michael Gonzalez]

But I got some pussy the other night.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take us through it. Exactly. What happened there?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Well, I. Well, I matched with this girl on hinge, and then I met her up at a bar, and then I, you know, I ate her in her car and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So where. Where exactly did you guys go? Where did you go? Like, take us through the actual day? You kind of skipped a little bit there.

[Michael Gonzalez]

All right, so it's like an old

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

DVD when you would skip scenes and just jump, jump, jump.

[Michael Gonzalez]

All right, I'll do a little play by play. So I met up at my usual spot, Fraziers. Wow, all right. Yeah, it's a great bar, right? And they got these booths there and they're really comfy, you know, and that's, you know, like you get the girl in the booth like, and you know, you can kind of like you have an excuse to sit close to her and it sounds really creepy actually, but like, yes, in my case it works, you know, and you know, like I've banned probably like five girls after taking them to Fraziers over the last like

[Aaron West]

year and a half.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah, I'm kind of a horror dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, wow, look at you. Absolutely incredible. You really are. I was making a joke about your Chevy Malibu, but it turns out jokes on me. You're swimming in pussy. I mean, it is the destroyer. Frasers. So five girls. So let's talk about this the other day thing. You took her to Fraser's and then how did you end up eating her pussy inside of her car? What kind of car did she have? Something smaller than a Malibu.

[Michael Gonzalez]

I wasn't paying attention, honestly. I think it was a Toyota or something. But not a Prius.

[Uncle Laser]

I know that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so how did it get to that?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Well, I, you know, we were already kind of. We were flirting pretty heavily over text, you know, so that made. That gave me some confidence to start off with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, flirting pretty heavily.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give us an example of what some heavy flirtation from you via text looks like? Fucking psycho. Let's see.

[Michael Gonzalez]

This is a little difficult on my phone, but let's see here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's unlock his phone real quick. Let's get a yonder unlocker here and give me an unlocker. I want the real. I don't want you to have to use your imagination. I think it's better, in fact. Is it okay if I read it?

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah, go for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great, perfect. Is it in your pocket?

[Michael Gonzalez]

No, it's. They made me take it out. It's in the bin over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Somebody grab that bin. And a yonder unlocker. Or we can get the tech guy to probably do some special code on it or something. I know how to Massage Week. We made these in San Francisco, where I'm virtually from. I lied. All right, here we go. How about a hand for the lovely Christy, everybody? Her and Yoni always keeping the train on it.

[Aaron West]

This isn't my phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's right. We gave you her phone. We can read the messages here.

[Michael Gonzalez]

My phone. I. I know what happened. I put my phone in the pocket of my backpack. Yeah, just bring the Whole backpack up here? Yeah, it's the green one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is where we all get killed. Everyone. All right, I just need my entire backpack. Guy that got fired from his writing tickets job that gets all the pussy in his Chevy Malibu.

[Aaron West]

Oh, thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Let's go.

[Michael Gonzalez]

All right. You might have to scroll up a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll scroll, buddy. I'll scroll.

[Michael Gonzalez]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Monday or Sunday. Hold on a second. Wait, when is this? Where are we at? Oh, she sent. You sent pictures of your dog.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Oh, yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

Of his dog, did you say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely Incredible. There's a lot of texts here. Oh, okay.

[Ari Matti]

So many pictures of dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you're right. So that you're saying that the flirting started heavily on Sunday or Monday?

[Uncle Laser]

About.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah, like, I just know I dirt off a lot on Sunday, so I have a good feeling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ari Matti]

I saw a text where she goes, damn you and your sex appeal,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

psycho. Get out of here. I was saving that. You get out of here. You're the creepy one for reading me. Reading some other dude's flirty text over my shoulder.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Hey, he doesn't know any better. He's European. European.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I keep. By the way, you're all in big trouble because I keep scrolling up because I'm seeing so much good. I'm like, wow, what else? This is. Oh, my God. So when did you guys go out? Monday night. Yeah, okay.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry I missed the last kill, Tony, but, you know. Yeah, I had things to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We totally noticed you weren't there. Everyone was like it. Where's Nick? James again? Where do you like to go for a drink? You. She asks you, where do you like to go for a drink? Usually Frasiers on E6, but I'm always able to. Suggestions. I've never been to either, so I'm down for the adventure. Lol. I like its energy. It gets busy, but you can still hear each other talk. Follow up from him. And it's not on Dirty six, so none of that nonsense. Oh, yeah, it's not on Dirty, so it must be clean. Okay, perfect. I like to chat. And east side is infinitely better than Dirty. Wow. She's got her own amazing thoughts. Oh, yeah, right. Bars are so much cleaner too. You dirty boy. Wow, there's some real in here tonight. May I be one of those girls and get your birth chart information? I must Investigate. Smiley face. LOL.

[Joe DeRosa]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1-8-94. Born on a Saturday morning in a blizzard. I swear to God, I'm not changing a word. By the way, how exciting. Do you know what time I forget? I think like 10 in the morning.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never seen so much someone with so much cap energy. Hello. Oh, there's a. You're using caps a lot. Do you have a lot of friends? I have many acquaintances. Lol. But a decent amount of friends. I can see that. Do you feel super psychic? No, lol. I delude myself into thinking I am a lot, though. Does that count? It's all in the mindset anyway. You are what you eat and believe. What's your dating history been like? Lol. True. And let's see. Played the field a lot. Had a couple serious relationships over the years. Some short flings and whatnot. Don't worry though. My hoe phase is over. Genius. Bravo, young Skywalker. Pretty much the same. Got my hoface over with early. Props on her. Props on her. While they're both being disgusting. Had a serious relationship in my mid-20s, then recovered from that. Nice. Two recovered hoes looking for stability now. You are a sly doggy. You're a sly little doggy.

[Michael Gonzalez]

They ain't call me Big Dick Nick for nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. Don't make it creepy. All right, I did. No, this is you. Sorry. I did have one girlfriend cheat on me, so that sucked. But no great tragedies. Smart.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Looking back, I should have been a bigger hoe. I was out there looking for love. I swear to God, I'm not changing a word. Oof. I hope she got the opposite of everything she ever wanted as karma. Yeah, it was a weird situation. Yeah, we can always be big hoes together. Haha.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, my God. You fucking pig.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. And just to let you know, on this next one, this.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And when I say check mark, I mean the actual check mark emoji. Get ready for it. Here we go. Remember, we're coming off of. Hey, we can always be big hoes together. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. True written out. Ha ha. Here we go. Okay, let me check my hoe. Bag of essentials. Don't care. Attitude. Check. Let's just see where this goes. Check. Bikini thirst traps. Check. Okay, I'm ready to go. Hell yeah. Checking my manho. Checking my bag of Manhoe. Essentials. Aloof. Hiding my horniness. Attitude. Check. Jeans that show off my bulge. You know, I was on kill Tony a few times. I swear to God, I. Whoops. Oh, oh. Oops. Okay, there's one more. By the way, I know it's such a great tax, but there's one more that's part of that Tax that. That is one. Just to let you know, for those of you in the front, if you're wondering about the check marks, can you confirm that there are check marks? There are check marks there. There's one more room that was just cleaned an hour before this fucking dirt ball. We may just be a match made in hell. It's so cute when men try to hide their horniness. They'll be talking about anything and everything. And I'll never be mad about tight jeans. I have something to fantasize about. Lol. I just lumped all the cliches in there. I'm definitely guilty of talking too much when I'm horny. You might have to put a muzzle on me, but I'll make sure to wear some extra tight jeans just for you. Oh, you're holding up your bulge, right? Oh, wow, look at that. I like being electric too, so the chattiness will really work for me. What do you like to see a girl wearing? I'm a man of simple taste. A short skirt and a tank top with lots of cleavage is always nice.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

simple taste, like what? It's literally like every guy's like favorite situation. Oh, simple taste. You know, the sluttiest on planet Earth. Luckily that's what I wear every day. Jk. I wear a lot of shorts. I was about to say my prayers have been answered. Haha. So does that mean you still wear the tank top with cleavage? Oh yeah. I get hot easily, so I like to be as uncovered as possible. So my prayers were answered. Lol. Lucky you. What's your type of girl? Whatever type you are, I swear to God. But let's Corny answer. She's got to be nice, fun to talk to with just enough hoe to match my freak, but not so much that I got to worry. What's your type of guy? Someone funny, sweet, smart, honest and protective. Someone I can turn my brain off when I'm around them because I be thinking all day and my brain hurts. Wow,

[Michael Gonzalez]

I got a winner. Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She says, what's your freak?

[Taylor Neely]

Freak?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My freak? Honestly, much as I value deep connection and love and all that, I'm also just a very horny guy. Huh. So like PG, PG 13, PDA, but in the bedroom. I'm probably going down on you for like a half hour. Stuff like that. This is crazy. This is amazing. That sounds amazing. I have a. I'm a. Oh, wow. I have a bit of an exhibitionist urge and I like to be very submissive, but secretly the one in control. Well, I better Be on my best behavior for our date. Then something tells me I'm in for quite the show. I'm crying. I googled exhibitionist to make sure that was the right term, and it called it a mental illness. Okay, I meant I just like the adrenaline rush from being super sexy and sexually teasing in public. Ha ha. I got both definitions back to back. And I just crossed my fingers that it was the sexy one. But damn. Didn't know you were freaky like that. When I clicked on your profile, I thought, oh, she seems so sweet and innocent. Turns out you're also sweet and devious. I'm a Gemini. I have two personalities. Public Persona equals sweet. Professional works with students in private. Unhinged. I have to have an outlet. I'm a walking sexy teacher Trope. In that case, want to give me a private lesson on sexual education? I think I'll also need some extra tutoring from you too. Come to my office hours and show me how you've been trying to learn the material. Sounds like a plan. I hope it's an oral exam. It sounds like something you already excel there. Bring me something you want to improve on. True, but practice makes perfect. Although I could use a refresher course on leaving hickeys. Oh, you dirty dirt ball. Slow makeouts are my favorite. Really? Guess that makes two of us. He's just agreeing with anything she's saying. Oh, two of us for sure. Totally agree. Can I eat your yet? Okay. Oh, my God. I'm going to scroll a bit because you guys are yappy fucks, but I'm sorry.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow, I feel a little swindled.

[Ari Matti]

You're killing it on the chat.

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean, you're killing it here. You came up with this Owen Wilson routine of like, ah, shucks, I don't know, maybe your pussy is good. And now you're in these fucking messages like a vampire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, this is insane, dude.

[Ari Matti]

You're like, Ushered, Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the worst first date you've been on? Probably going to see the Hobbit, too. And. And having to explain every Lord of the Rings movies so she'd stop asking me. Lol. How about you? Awkward incel comic takes the cake. But a close second was back in undergrad. I. The guy invited me over to his apartment. It was the filthiest setup I've ever seen in my life. I sat with my other with my other crossed on the very edge of the mattress that was on the floor. While he talked about basketball, I sat with my legs crossed. I see why you ate her pussy in her own car. By the way, she doesn't like a. Is your apartment messy?

[Michael Gonzalez]

I mean, it was clean at the time when I brought her over, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay, this has gone on way too long, but I gotta tell you, this is unbelievable. Unbelievable flirting.

[Ari Matti]

There's a saying in Estonian that the guy who ends up fucking the girl always comes from the corner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's you, dude with that game.

[Zach Black]

I love it.

[Michael Gonzalez]

I don't know about that, but I can't believe that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Didn't you all think the saying would be way cooler than that?

[Ari Matti]

No, it's tragic.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is gonna be really profound. They say in Estonia the guy that fucks the girl is the one that talks to her. Okay, that's fucking really brilliant. All right, thank you. It's super insightful. Wow, what a country you come from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, all right. Yeah, I'm done.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Well, what. What am I doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to call her? Let's ask her how the eating was to close this segment of the show.

[Michael Gonzalez]

All right, she did go to bed an hour ago, but let's see if I can wake her up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The person you're trying to reach is not available. Oh, my God. All right, fun times. Nick James, you're a legend. How about one more time for Nick James secret show tomorrow. You already have a big joke book, right, Nick? Not yet. You only have a little one. There you go, buddy. Congratulations. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Right in that pussy eating mouth of his. All right, everybody, your next comedian goes by the name of Ryan Igler. Ryan Igler. Okay, nice quick transition here. Make some noise for Ryan Igler, everybody. So I live out in the country.

[Ryan Igler]

I just found out what code switching is. It's so fun. Like, it's a new way to get out of speeding tickets, Coach. Switch it to a little pretty girl. But I'm aware of it now. So my little sister plays on a special needs baseball team. It's called the Challenger League. It's a great name, but I coach on it sometimes and it's most. I'm just there because, like, some of the moms can't handle some of them. So I get to get sacrificed off the survivor tribe to wrangle. But one day the pitcher on the team didn't want to throw the ball. Now his name's Donnie. He's the smallest guy in his family. He's 6 foot 2, he has downs. He's also deaf. And they sent me out there to go get him to throw the ball. So I'm explaining to him on the mound, I'm Like Donnie, you can't roll the ball. You have to throw the ball. But I realized I was doing it in death.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Danny, you can't run to mom. You have to throw the mom.

[Ryan Igler]

Thanks. I'm a Ryan Echler, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'm gonna read some more Nick James text messages, get this show back on track.

[Joe DeRosa]

I did like that. You did an Ari Matty impression right at the end there.

[Ari Matti]

It's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been trying stand up, Ryan?

[Ryan Igler]

I'm four months in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four months in all of it. Here in Austin?

[Ryan Igler]

No, I'm out of Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What. How old are you?

[Ryan Igler]

I'm 33.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you start now at 33 years old?

[Ryan Igler]

I've always wanted to do it. I just never had time. I was always on the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing on the road?

[Ryan Igler]

I was a guitar player.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guitar player for a band?

[Ryan Igler]

Yeah, several. Just hired gun type stuff. Session work, all that. So I'd always be gone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And which bands?

[Joe DeRosa]

Anybody we would know?

[Ryan Igler]

Yeah. Started playing for a guy named Jason Allen. Toured Texas playing honky tonks with him. One chick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys know Jason Allen? Oh, the band does not.

[Mushroom Mat]

It's fine.

[Ryan Igler]

It's Texas country stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ryan Igler]

But played for a chick named Peyton Howey. That was fun. Got introduced to the festival world through that one. And then the most recent one was Trent Cowie. I was playing with him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. What made you want to stop playing guitar and start a brand new art form?

[Ryan Igler]

Oh, they cut me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not that good.

[Ryan Igler]

No, it's just, I was told. Different direction. I'm a little. I'm a little rowdy on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, how are you rowdy?

[Ryan Igler]

Like, very animated. Jump around. It's a show. You bought a ticket, you get a show.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Were you. Were you a good person on the road? Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Igler]

I'm cleaning. I don't have, like, stinky feet and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have what?

[Aaron West]

Stinky feet.

[Ryan Igler]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's good. Good to know. Go ahead.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I was gonna say, did you party too much?

[Ryan Igler]

No, no. I quit drinking, like, eight years ago. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Everybody's.

[Ari Matti]

Everyone's over today. Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crazy. Oh, no, I'm.

[Ryan Igler]

Mushrooms are heavy again. Like, 290 was most wild getting here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the new thing. Everybody gets sober from everything else. They're like, I'm just blitzed on mushrooms. Like, the most extreme.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Have you found God?

[Michael Gonzalez]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. He's looking for you.

[Aaron West]

Mom.

[Ryan Igler]

Always.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do we have another guitar here? Did we bring the second guitar? Here we go. We gotta see this guy play guitar. Because I'm pretty sure that's your calling, Ryan. You can't let these other people scare you out of being a musician. You're sure as fuck not a comedian. At least not yet. We'll see what happens with that down the road. But my goodness. Okay, here we are. Name some of the bands you've been in. Again, no names. It's just for other people. And you kind of jump around very animated during this person's. These. These actual. The artists that people are there to see. I could see why that would. I could see. Do you have something like an original, kind of a riff that you like to play that won't get us flagged on YouTube? He's calling the play right now, ladies and gentlemen. It's a flat D, key of 7. It's more Indian people showing up.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is living his dream, playing his own show, not for another person. You're cut again. Oh. Hit like a thing. You're playing like a chord. Do something crazy. Oh, he's feeling himself, folks. The band is kicking in behind him, totally making him sound great. Proving once again they are the best damn band in the land. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. All right, that's enough. Shut the up. Stop it. All right, Ryan, that was fun. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Did you have fun here tonight, Ryan?

[Ryan Igler]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's another crazy thing about your childhood or your life that would surprise us? Before I let you go, I used

[Ryan Igler]

to be a child model for a Jewish department store called Wieners.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it called?

[Ryan Igler]

Wieners.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wieners.

[Taylor Neely]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was a Jewish department store called Wieners.

[Ryan Igler]

Yeah. Back in the 90s in Houston. It was like a dealer's JC penny, but it was called Wieners. And I was a child model for him all through the 90s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Ryan Igler]

Mom used to pimp me out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ever get molested?

[Ryan Igler]

Nah, I fucking swerved that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. It was close.

[Ryan Igler]

Don't ask, don't tell, baby. You know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. There he goes. Ryan Igler. Fun times, Ryan. Keep doing it for a while. Sign up again. There he is. Ryan Eckler, everybody. All right. It's one of those moments. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage what some people consider a legend of kill Tony. What some people consider one of their least favorite characters in the history of the show. You either love them or you hate him. This is the very polarizing style of Uncle Laser, everyone. Oh, he's chugging A beer. Always the showman taking his time. The squawking American eagle. One more time for Uncle Lazer. Everyone

[Uncle Laser]

check out on your friends this summer. Kiss them on the mouth, tell them you love them. Listen, I'm friends with a lot of coloreds. Blacks. We got any blacks in here tonight? Oh, hell, yeah. They set y' all up front. That's progressive. Hell, yeah. Listen, I'm not a regular white. My black friends, they call me N word. They're all like, hey, Uncle Leslie, you're a real ass motherfucking. And as a white man, when a black man calls you that, it's special. It's like when your dad pats you on the butt and says, good game, son. But, boy, they don't like it when you say it back to them. I'm playing spades the other day at my homie's house, and they're just. It's a black person game. You wouldn't know anything about. We're playing spades back and forth, right? I'm cutting these up like, yo, you a real ass. And I'm like, I started walking with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a limp, you know?

[Uncle Laser]

And they done said about 20 times, I said, man, y' all said, enough. Y' all think. Y' all think I can say it back? And they go, fuck you, white boy. You can't say that. I said, well, it sound like music's getting a little too loud at this party, okay? And they said, you can see yourself out. And as I walked outside, I did the one whitest thing of my life. I called the law. And I said, hey, these are playing that music too loud. My name is Uncle Laser. Y' all are great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uncle Laser. My favorite part of that set was when the black person in the back of the room clapped and you said, wow, they sat you in the front. How progressive. Even though they're in the back.

[Uncle Laser]

Look, dude, I'm Equal Opportunity, the diversity hire. Hey, I'm be honest with you. You reading that erotica shit. I didn't even have to take sound. I'm hard as a rock right now. That shit he's doing earlier, Son of a gun, what a treat that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was good. It is exciting. Flirtatious texts are exciting. What. What's some of the crazy shit we would find in your phone if we went through it?

[Uncle Laser]

If you'll read it. If you'll read it. Well, my girlfriend Gina, you know Gina, of course. Doctor from Buffalo. Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of doctor is she again?

[Uncle Laser]

Pediatric.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Perfect.

[Joe DeRosa]

She's actually.

[Uncle Laser]

She's actually right there. She's right up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I believe that means she works on children's feet.

[Joe DeRosa]

Your girlfriend's a padin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A pediatrist.

[Uncle Laser]

A patriarch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Perfect.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's like how Harley Quinn fell in love with the Joker.

[Uncle Laser]

But I was sleeping the other night at my brother's house. We was out there, and she took my phone. She was pissed off at me, and she showed my face on my phone while I slept. And she saw. She saw a lot. So. Yeah, you know, we don't. Yeah, I'm a. I'm a. I'm gonna

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

give us a ballpark of what she saw. I mean, she already.

[Uncle Laser]

Everything, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like what? What's everything?

[Uncle Laser]

Me, other girls like on camera and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more. Describe the situation, Laser.

[Uncle Laser]

Well, it ain't good, Tony. No, she just. She saw some and she all got all pissed off. But we love each other, so we're still together. She's like, look, we'll go to counseling. I'm like, I don't want to go to counseling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So are you going to go to counseling?

[Uncle Laser]

Going to counseling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When are you going to counseling?

[Uncle Laser]

You know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it scheduled yet? Soon, yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Hey, but you want to. Hey, real quick. This for Ari Maddok. Look, you got a bunch of cripples and retards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you changing the subject right now? Well, she's right there, Tony.

[Uncle Laser]

God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is good. Goddamn. Entertain it.

[Uncle Laser]

All right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something that can only happen on Kill, Tony. The fact that she's right there makes it. This is a once.

[Uncle Laser]

And bring her ass down here, titties and all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, I wasn't gonna do that. Then I'd be putting you on that spot.

[Uncle Laser]

That's why doctor. She'll get fired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Uncle Laser]

From the optometrist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

Laser did the. One of the craziest things I've ever seen a human being do. Upstairs. Yeah, Me, Ari and Laser went into the bathroom at the same time. We all to pee. I went in the stall to pee. Ari's at the urinal. Laser just hung on the wall of the urinal and talked to Ari for the duration of him peeing and then just left the bathroom. Didn't pee. Just talked to Ari over his shoulder and forgot he had to pee and then just left. It was insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the actions of an everlasting cocaine addict if I've ever seen one. Just making sure you guys are urinating like he's some kind of probation officer or something like that. I mean, you're just using the bathroom for what it's actually for. I'll get out of here. What are you guys just urinating and washing your hands? You boring boys?

[Uncle Laser]

Nah, let's have some fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Uncle Laser]

Let me see that dick, boy. You know? No, but I, I, I told him. I said, hey, man, I got someone to say in this interview we know the same person. And she found it in the phone too. She hates her, but. So look, there's a girl that I know. There's a girl that I know that knows art, that loves Ari, all right? And I guess Ari curved her and this girl's used to get in her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean, Curve?

[Ari Matti]

I don't know that either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's she sent him a.

[Uncle Laser]

A nude picture and he just thumbs up it. Now listen here, Tony, let me tell you something about stardom. You got it too. Red bend.it too. Joe's got it too. Mar's got you. Listen, we get all the time, all right? But listen, if a beautiful woman sends me a hot, sexy naked picture, I'm not going to thumbs up. Say, what kind of are you getting on the road? Oh, son, you're next level.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's, that's, that's assassin.

[Uncle Laser]

I know who he is. I seen his dick in the bathroom.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's a saying in Ari's country. The man that thumbs up to, it's a man of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that a two thumbs up.

[Uncle Laser]

You know what I'm talking about now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No good.

[Ari Matti]

There's a few pictures. I just thumbs up. That's it. I didn't say anything.

[Uncle Laser]

Look, I. She just was crying the whole night. Solar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your girlfriend?

[Uncle Laser]

Not mine, the other girl. Just a girl that I knew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Anyway, Laser is your girlfriend's still mad at you?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, but she's here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do in a situation like that to make up for it? You're a very romantic guy. What do you do in a situation? A girl finds her phone, she unlocks it with your face. How do you start the healing process? Teach these American boys out there with a squawking eagle. Uncle Laser does to get out of the doghouse. You worked in oil fields. You know what you're doing. Explain to the children. Explain.

[Uncle Laser]

So I started taking testosterone.

[Joe DeRosa]

That is a terrible idea.

[Uncle Laser]

But look, that makes you really horny, right? Like a stiff, stiff breeze. I won't put my dick in an electrical socket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'll solve the problem. Keep going.

[Uncle Laser]

I'm only good at a couple things, Tony. Taking drugs and coming quick. One of them, two of them.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Look, I'm go.

[Uncle Laser]

Look, I just like I'm going to therapy now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's the question. Let me remind you, a guy like you gets in the doghouse, right? You're on testosterone. Girlfriend's mad at you. What do you do? What's. Tony?

[Uncle Laser]

I grab her by the throat, I pick her up, and I put her through the drywall. And I said, legendary. I'm gonna be a star, baby. Either get on this grave train right now, or we can leave you on the corner with the man with the thumbs up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, again, you're. You watch too much pro wrestling growing up. That's domestic violence. I'm asking you a genuinely real question.

[Uncle Laser]

No.

[Hans Kim]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. All right.

[Joe DeRosa]

I came here.

[Uncle Laser]

Look, baby, I'm not some regular 9 to 5. I'm living a different type of life. But look at me, Tony. I said, look, here's flower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Answer the question.

[Uncle Laser]

I said, look, girl, I love you. There's no one else I want to be with. I'm on some. I'm a retard, I said. But at the end of the day. At the end of the day, it ain't who you want to spend Saturday night with. It's who you want to get Sunday brunch with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, that's what I was looking for. You could have said that two and a half minutes ago, and it would have been great at me for talking too much.

[Uncle Laser]

I love it, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. I'll see you again in another four months.

[Uncle Laser]

Thank you, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Laser, fun times. Good stuff, Great stuff. Charismatic, likable Uncle Laser. Ari, Maddie has to go pee and to go text girls. Whose pictures he. Thumbs up, cleaning up mess. He's on damage control, right?

[Joe DeRosa]

I had to pee, too, and he took it from me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to go pee?

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, wait, it's over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We guys go pee together, and Uncle Laser can watch again. Okay, go ahead. It's all right. Your next comedian goes by the name of J.P. hinsdale, everybody. J.P. hinsdale. Oh, we know J.P. yeah, we put J.P. up in an arena once before. Make some noise. One more time for JP Hinsdale. Hey.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Wow. Okay. I was in Galveston recently. Yeah, I went to the Gulf of America. I tried, okay? Like, I took 12 grams of mushrooms, and I stared out at the ocean. It was still brown. Dalvin came by and blew 10w30 out of her blowhole. Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Guess not.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Oh, no. I watch the news a lot. I'm trying to look for the positive in everything, you know? It's cool. Like, I found out that, like, ICE is trying to be more progressive in their hiring practices. Have you guys heard about this? Yeah, there's a ICE has this new program, 31st. 30 for 30. They want 30 women officers by 20. 30. Oh, yeah. Way to go, ladies. You broke the glass ceiling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, jp. Sorry.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

That didn't go well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It didn't. You're right.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's interesting.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

The time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I misgau the time. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's okay. It had nothing to do with the time, really.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Fair enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was okay. It was an awkward start. Awkward ending. You had a. You had a thing. There's been a. It's also a very mushroom heavy set.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, night.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so, you know, that wasn't in your favor.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, jp, how's life, buddy?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Look at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Killing it.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. Literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very rarely did one of the horn players turn on a bucket pole, but okay. All right, J.P. yeah. You're a very likable character. You've done good every other time you've ever been on this show. What do you think truly went wrong tonight?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Couple newer jokes. Kind of having a little bit of a panic attack. I'm wet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. It was raining earlier. There was, like, a better joke inside your Gulf of America joke.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah, it's a longer joke. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It shouldn't be.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It shouldn't be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it should be shorter.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Shorter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I think it's something like. I don't know. There's something like. They changed it from Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America, but I think it should be called the Gulf of Mexico because it is brown.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, if you said it with your charming style, I kind of wanted to try it to it. Do it just like that. Give them the right lighting. Kino. Do it. I want to see if it works.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Though they already know it, which makes it impossible. I think you could sell it.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

So went down to the Gulf of America now that we took it back. Yeah. Yeah. Used to be the Gulf of Mexico. I think we should call it the Gulf of Mexico again. It's really brown. You were right.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

You are the king.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And if they didn't know it what the punchline was coming. That would rip.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a fart from you.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the middle of the night. You fart a lot. I bet you fart. You're like a hot air balloon.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Not like an abnormal amount.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Normal amount.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. I mean, I'm not extra flatuant, really. You know, but I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, it's weird how that works.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would expect, like, that's a bigger chamber.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. But I'm pretty buoyant, so it's like it all works out in a water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you float?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I float.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever float in the river here?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You like it?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You float?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like an ice cube.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. Like, you guys have me on the land, but I have you in the sea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're cooking.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. If you could compare yourself to any sea animal, what sea animal do you think you're most like? J.P. hinsdale?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Manatee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, why did you pick manatee there?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Cause I'm friendly, and I keep getting damaged by motorboats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still got it. Got it. Still got it, jp. It's in there. It's right there on the surface. Well, you've been doing for fun, jp.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

For fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Other than mass amounts of mushrooms, everybody, tonight, it's like I'm performing. It's like we're doing a kill. Tony. Live from a rehab facility.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I only do it every two weeks. Like, it's a. I can't take antidepressants and mood stabilizers and all the other things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You take all that stuff?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I can't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Correct.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

And I take 2 to 6 grams of mushrooms every two weeks, and it kind of. It makes the gloomies go away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you eat a lot.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Not really. I'm just. I've been fat for a while. This was. This is not like.

[Uncle Laser]

This is.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

This is an accumulation of a lifetime of sadness. This isn't a merit. This isn't a sprint to the finish, like, at a buffet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why are you sad?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

That was like, we want to do this.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I do not want.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

No, no, no, no. You don't need this kind of darkness, Joe.

[Joe DeRosa]

No. I've got enough in me already.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I can see it in your eyes.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you. Yeah. The. The mushrooms make the gloomies go away every two weeks.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. It's kind of the only system that I've figured out that works.

[Joe DeRosa]

But why do you not. Why are you against the antidepressants and stuff?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's not that I'm against them. I have. I have a. I just can't get

[Joe DeRosa]

them on a pizza.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

No, I have. Yeah, yeah. Papa John's let me down. No, I have traumatic brain injuries. It affects how the medication hits me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have what? Injuries.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Traumatic brain injuries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From what?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I've died twice, and I got hit in the head a lot as a kid, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did you. How did you die? Twice.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

First time, my mom did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, keep going. How did she do that?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Well, like, she. I didn't know because it happened when I was three, but she kept telling people that I jumped off the couch playing Superman and hit my head against the marble table. And then I died when the ambulance got there. But it turns out I had night terrors and she didn't know what they were and she wanted me to shut the fuck up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what did she. She hit your head on against the table? Do you know she grabbed you and hit your head against the table?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. Yeah, I am the boy who lived.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's what's known as a late term abortion.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. She chickened out, the end. She called 911. I give her a lot of shit for it now.

[Joe DeRosa]

You still talk to her?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. That ain't even. Even the worst thing she's ever done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the worst thing she's ever done? I don't know.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's not. It's. It's the. I'm still working that through therapy right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's complicated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's avoid that. Let's talk about.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I. I have a joke about it, but I don't. It is. I. I'm okay with part of it, but it's like, you know, not every room likes this joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now we want to hear.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

All right. You asked for it, people. No. No. She says no. I don't want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one gives a shit what that bitch wants. Keep going, jp.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

All right, so I was groomed and molested from the age of 5 to the age of 15, which is a weird way of saying I peaked in high school.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's a great joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who the.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Now I have to get molested on my personality. And I have way too many strong opinions about Star Trek for that to happen.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's my joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this a stepdad or what was it?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

No, it was my mom's high school boyfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. She thought by him bonding with me, she'd get him back. It didn't work out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I was more his type.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Honestly, the relationship lasted longer, too. I don't know. Maybe I'm a better person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five to 15 is a long time.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it was like, all right, how'd you die the second time?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Oh, I. I snorted what I thought was cocaine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Fentanyl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. When was this?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Three years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years ago?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow. And they brought you back using arcan?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. If it was a real come to Jesus moment and he did not like me ODing on his couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Do you remember anything from that? Do you remember what it's like any of those times being dead, do you remember seeing anything? A bright light? Were you in heaven? Were there, Was there snacks everywhere?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I remember it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you in hell? A hot yoga studio?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It was Jazzercise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing. You're so fucking funny on your feet tonight, jp. Yeah, and that said, it's just a testament to, you know, you got to be careful. This goes for all comedians, right, doing open mics. You can attest to this. You do so many shows and you're kind of like off of open mics now because you're getting booked everywhere. But there's something so dangerous about doing open mics because A, the comedians kind of don't want you to succeed and B, the audience, because they're at an open mic are fucking retards. They're retarded. They're at the, what, the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th best show in the city on any given night. So it gets tricky. You have to go with what you think is funny. And all the answers you gave tonight about real, actual questions and things in your life, even though you thought some of them won't work and that you shouldn't do it all crushed. Everything that you think is correct and working works. When you leave it to open mic audiences to decide. Open mics are good for working out mic technique and volume and pacing and changing and placement of things. But it's not always to completely the end all, be all decision maker of what's funny and what's not. And you were hilarious tonight. On your feet during the interview. And light on your feet, which is not easy to do when you're £620, Joe DeRosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

And I mean this dude, I mean this dude, you're a funny fucking dude, man. You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people. You have light in your fucking heart. You got light in your soul. I know you're battling some past demons. I know it's rough. But I'm going to tell you what Jim Jeffries said to me when I was at your spot in the game and I was struggling with mental shit, he was like, brother, reach out to me any fucking time and I'll talk to you about that shit. I'm saying that to you right now. You fucking reach out to me any fucking time you need, dude. Because I'm telling you, dude, you can't fight the fight on your own so much. Lean on somebody, man. I mean it, dude. I mean it. Don't let that dark shit suppress your light, man. You got a gift.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And one more exciting thing JP normally we give away spots. We've given away jobs on this show before. This is the first time ever that this has happened. J.P. your mom and you mending that relationship, it's. It's. It's unbelievable to me to find out that you had a mom who at least back then was so out of it and. And didn't get you that tonight, for the first time ever, right now, I'm giving you a new mom. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joy Hinchcliffe, everybody. Kill Tony Legend. Give him a hug. JP Hinsdale. Stupid bottle of water. Go give him a hug. Go give him a hug. JP Hinsdale, the bottle of water. She needs to stay hydrated while making an appearance on stage. You are now. I hereby bestow you JP Hinchcliffe. Welcome to the family, JP thanks, brother. My mom will literally talk to you anytime you need a mom to talk to. She's 78 and bored out of her mind, and I'm way too successful and fun to talk to her. Now you can talk to her. She's free literally every hour of the day. There she goes. Joy Hinchcliffe, everybody. 78. My mom visiting from Youngstown, Ohio. Okay, there you go. Get off the stage now. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Can I just say that I'm blessed to have Tony as my son? Let the record show that's gayer than anything I've ever done before. My mom is gay, too. My mom's gay now. You know where I get it from? I have a gay mom. But seriously, I'll give you her info after this. You guys are gonna be. She's hilarious. You guys are gonna be friends. That's your new mom. New mom. J.P. hinsdale, big joke book. There you go. Boom. Right in the bread basket. The first ever comedian to win a new mom. There she goes. Get back to your seat, you little show stealer. Really milking it. Really, really likes the spotlight. She's used to it. Only mom on the show history to do a set an appearance on panel and now be bestowed upon a new comedian. Ari, Maddie's about to do a joke about how he wants to. My mom. Go ahead, do it. Strike me down. Kill your master.

[Ari Matti]

I mean, how long is she in town?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's the Gemini. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Zach Black. This looks like a new name. Zach Black. Here he is. One more time for Zach Black, everybody.

[Zach Black]

Hell yeah. I went to Home Depot today to pick up a lawnmower. Man, it's gonna be a shame when Trump sends him back. Over the next four years, price of eggs might go down, but the price of lawn care is going way up. I'll tell you, if you're ever shopping for an immigrant, get there early. I got there late last week. The good ones go quick. There was only one left in stock, one Guatemalan standing there with a paintbrush and a rake. I'll come back. Texas is great for everybody, although it is still a little segregated by city. Dallas is for white people, Houston's for black people, San Antonio's for Mexicans, and Austin's for. And if you're half black and half white, Corpus Christi. If you're half white and half Mexican, El Paso. But if you're half black and half a. I'm sorry, you have to leave Texas and go back to Atlanta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Zach.

[Ryan Igler]

Black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good stuff, Zach.

[Zach Black]

What up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you, buddy? How long you been on stand up again?

[Zach Black]

Seven years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, seven years. A lot of that in la, right?

[Zach Black]

No, from Buffalo, New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Buffalo.

[Zach Black]

I've told you that before, but I'm actually from a very small town outside of Buffalo. Edge of a cornfield type shit. I just say Buffalo here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. When did I meet you here?

[Mushroom Mat]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At Vulcan.

[Zach Black]

Yeah, I worked here for like a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Zach Black]

Yeah. But then I don't. I just wasn't paying the bills, so I got a real job again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your real job?

[Zach Black]

Well, I quit here to work construction, but then I got fired for an Instagram reel. So I made a fake bartending resume two months ago. Now I bartend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love it. What was the. What was the reel that got you in trouble?

[Zach Black]

It was just a selfie video. I was just talking about. I work with, you know, Mexicans and I learned a lot of Spanish and I said that Punta madre means project manager.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is.

[Zach Black]

And they fired me. They fired me and then they asked me to take down the reel. I was like, well, you did that in the wrong order.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's very true. They did. Was it worth it?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Where was it that you got fired from?

[Zach Black]

No, that was a construction job. Apartment complex up in North Austin.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it worth making the reel?

[Uncle Laser]

Kind of.

[Zach Black]

I was really happy because it was like my first successful reel and like two weeks of the great and then fired. So, yeah, it was kind of worth it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess they just stumbled across it or did you show a co workers.

[Zach Black]

They saw it organically. Dude saw it on his algorithm. The owner of the company.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Zach Black]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

They're like, all your co workers have been liking this reel of yours, sharing it around town.

[Zach Black]

We looked him up and, yeah, I never met him before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's it like? Explain to the people what it's like lying on your resume that you're a bartender and then all of a sudden being thrown to the wolves at an actual bartender tending shift at an actual bar. Is the bar busy?

[Zach Black]

I'm sure it's not that busy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Zach Black]

It was, like, the only one that would hire me. I went to a bunch of job interviews, and they were like, what's in a martini? And I was like, I have no clue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said that.

[Zach Black]

I tried to lie. I was like, gin. That type of thing. And they were like, it's not going to work. But then this bar, they didn't ask that many questions.

[Ari Matti]

And that's how every bartender gets dropped, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, you lie.

[Zach Black]

Yeah, you have.

[Ari Matti]

That's how I've gotten every job in my life.

[Ryan Igler]

I lie.

[Zach Black]

Yeah, it's going all right. At the beginning. It's been like two months at the beginning. They would, like, order, I don't know, a Manhattan, and I'd be like, yeah, no problem. And I would Google it real quick. And now I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, why not?

[Zach Black]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for fun, Zach Black? What would surprise us about your life? The last guy is a morbidly obese, adorable baby boy that got molested from 5 to 15. Try to compete with that.

[Zach Black]

I will try to compete with that. I never talk about this, and most of my friends have no idea, but I actually don't have a right shoulder because of a football injury. No right deltoid since I was 15 years old. What, and nobody notices? You can't really tell, but I think about it about every 30 seconds every day of my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does it hurt?

[Zach Black]

It's kind of numb. It doesn't really hurt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could kind of see it now that you. Is it shorter pat?

[Zach Black]

No, no, just a baggy.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, that is a bitch ass shoulder.

[Ryan Igler]

Hey.

[Zach Black]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean, I can say as a man with no shoulders, you got off easy.

[Zach Black]

Joe Drones. All neck.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right, take it easy, Zach. I was trying to bond with you. Fucking cunt.

[Zach Black]

Yeah, I never really thought of a way to make it funny. I think about writing a joke about it all the time. And I ne. I've been on this show a few times. I never brought it up, but I figured it. That's what you want to hear about, don't you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No shoulder Up.

[Zach Black]

Not that good also. That's why I didn't want to bring it up. This is not that crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John D. Wants to see it. Is it. Does it look different?

[Zach Black]

It's just zero muscle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kind of pull your shirt for a second. That way.

[Joe DeRosa]

It looks like you have a. I can't tell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not that bad. The last. The last guy had his mom. Slammed his head against a coffee table when he was killing. This guy's like a football injury. My shoulder kind of looks different.

[Zach Black]

You can tell. If I had my shirt off, you could tell?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Can we see it? Let's see it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Derosa's just drunk enough to want to see it.

[David Lucas]

Look at this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy. Hey, what's up, you pig boy? Hey, why do they keep calling Derosa a pig? Fast forward two hours. Take your shirt off, dude. Wow. An American patriot. We're finding out not only what his shoulders look like, but also who he voted for in the last election. Incredible. The right candidate anyway.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. When you escape from the prison in Cape Fear, you can tell the big time.

[Zach Black]

It's, like, kind of embarrassing. You can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. The liver prince is here. Everybody.

[Zach Black]

Keep that off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy eats hard boiled eggs during the day. Were you. Did you. Were you in the military?

[Zach Black]

No. People asked me that. Just jacked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Zach Black]

I couldn't go in the military. Not fit for service with the shoulder. And I had heart surgery. Got two metal clamps on my heart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What happened there? What do you have?

[Zach Black]

That was when I was five years old. Just something didn't connect. Blood wasn't getting oxygen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Baboon heart. That's why he's the sound effect guy. Ladies and gentlemen, Baboon heart has entered the chat. That's why he hits buttons for a living, everyone. For. He said baboon heart. All right, Zach Black, you already have a big joke. Oh, he's gotta pop in his in real quick.

[Ari Matti]

I love how he put back on, but not the shirt. I love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a Lucy Breaker or a Zen?

[Zach Black]

It's actually a Velo because they're the cheapest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

Zach, why are you so nervous? You're shaking and. But you're a confident dude, man. Like, why are you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shoulder, man. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm not busting your balls. I'm really asking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Zach Black]

Just a little nervous. I'm just shaking. I'm just energy. I'm not that nervous.

[Joe DeRosa]

But you got kind of nervous, dude.

[Zach Black]

Been a while. Been a while since I've been on this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Joe DeRosa]

Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's been a while since I have.

[Joe DeRosa]

When do you do back on the set of American History X.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a big joke book, buddy. Congratulations. Thank you. There he goes. Zach Black. All right. To end tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery can only write 20 seconds per week. It's very hard for him. So he cannot make it tonight. Ari, Maddie is on panel. David Lucas opened the show, which means there's only one real option to close a show like this. A kill Tony legend, who we haven't seen in months. If you know the lyrics to his introduction song, now is the time. Time to sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Camp.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Hey.

[Hans Kim]

Glad you had no one else left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good to be here.

[Hans Kim]

I just got back from Asia, if you couldn't tell. Thank you. Konnichiwa. Yeah, just got back from Asia. It's great being in Asia. I can unlock every iPhone on that continent. I love being back in America. Love America. Love having that gun. Now I can get into arguments at the mall. Can't wait till we get rid of Di. Soon Harvard is going to be all Asian. It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore. It's going to be called Chinked in. I met a guy from Lebanon recently. I didn't know that was a place. I thought it was Qanon for lesbians. All right, well, that's my time. Thank you guys very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Still got it. Crisp delivery, star power. You look like a absolute dictator. Incredible stage presentation. I mean, absolutely amazing for you to make that yourself and then dry clean it yourself and then wear it yourself. Absolutely amazing. People can do. This is Joe Deros.

[Joe DeRosa]

Can I correct just one of your jokes?

[Hans Kim]

I love it.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore. It's going to be called Rington.

[Hans Kim]

Rington.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I disagree. I say lean into the slur.

[Joe DeRosa]

Well, you speak from experience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Right there on that. That spot on this stage. I said that word. Everybody freak. Now, Hans Kim, tell us what's been going on.

[Hans Kim]

I went to Asia with my girlfriend and her three friends. It was a nightmare.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

O, my God. Three girlfriends, three of her friends that

[Hans Kim]

I wasn't allowed to have sex with. And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, so it's your girlfriend and three of her girl female friends.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, and me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, Yeah, I got that part, Hans. So you her and three. So it's you plus four. And it's your girlfriend and her friends who clearly your girlfriend's entertaining and hanging out with while just making sure you're not cheating on her.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that go? Tell us about it. Give us some, like, actual details, like

[Hans Kim]

sex in the city. I had a great time. We went to Disneyland. We went to Universal, whatever there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did American over there.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I mean, did you pay for everything?

[Hans Kim]

I paid for like 30% of it, yeah.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans is famously cheap. A little fun fact is that the regulars on this show tend to be very, very, very cheap people. Not Ari, Matty, not David Lucas, but William and Hans notoriously miser Esque.

[Ari Matti]

So you paid for 30% of the trip, but you only 25%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we know that must have been.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I need like an over the pants hand job or something.

[Mushroom Mat]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So those girls, they paid for their flights, for their hotels and stuff?

[Zach Black]

Stuff, Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

I paid for some of the dinners. You know, it's not like they paid for any of the dinners. So, like, I feel like I was a positive contribution, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you bring that up to your girlfriend at all after you did it? Were you like, hey, I paid for dinner for you and your friends?

[Hans Kim]

I mean, then it kind of loses the appeal of the nice thing that I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I. I know. That's why I asked you. And I will repeat the question. Let me remind you, it's a yes or no question. Did you mention it to your girlfriend verbally, like, hey, I did pay for dinner for you and your friends.

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Thank you. Just making sure there were.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're like that. 1175 really set me back here in Asia. It's cheap. Go off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. It's.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's an affordable country. Is my point continent. I don't know. I'm not here for facts, people. I'm just here to jump in with a zinger here and there. I never said I was well read.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do it. Do a zinger.

[Joe DeRosa]

I got a good zinger, folks. It's not gonna be called LinkedIn anymore. It's gonna be called Rinkton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you get it?

[Joe DeRosa]

Folks, listen, food is cheap in Asia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How cheap is it? How cheap is it?

[Joe DeRosa]

A dinner for four would only cost you $11.75.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So silly. Hans, what else, buddy? You look fantastic. You look like your own mother and grandmother right now. It is incredible. Strong female energies while being a very masculine boy.

[Aaron West]

Steve.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Robert.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you.

[Hans Kim]

Got this from a Chinese market called Temu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah,

[Hans Kim]

yeah. Just living life. My birthday is coming up soon.

[Mushroom Mat]

May 31st.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

May 31st. Okay.

[Hans Kim]

I won't invite Instagram.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you celebrate your birthday, Hans? What are you looking forward to doing?

[Hans Kim]

I'm having a little pool party and then I'm having a real party at

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

9pm Whoa, 9pm that's an exact start time if I've ever heard one. Is it at your place?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah. Do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. What do you. What's gonna be at your party?

[Hans Kim]

Karaoke.

[Joe DeRosa]

There's a surprise.

[Hans Kim]

It's 1175.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want to sell us on it, sell us on this party. Karaoke.

[Hans Kim]

There's gonna be catan. There's gonna be a game of catan going on. You can hop in.

[Joe DeRosa]

I thought you meant Chris Katan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, the old snl. Perhaps you remember. What was it? Not Goat man. Yeah, he ate like, the mango. Mango.

[Joe DeRosa]

Mango.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All right. I'm pretty sure we're all wasted. We should end the show. Hans Kim, any closing words?

[Hans Kim]

I love you guys. Please be safe and have a great night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Hans Kim. Him. Catch him all over the world on the killers of Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden the night before. The Madison Square Garden. Kill Tony with our. How about another hand for re Maddie, everybody? All right. Maddie will be at Madison Square Garden The Night Before MSG. Joe DeRosa's new special comes out on YouTube at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. YouTube. Correct. July 21st. He's gonna be at Zany's in Nashville July 27th and 28th. Or is that June? June 27th and 28th. Ari, Maddie is a superstar here on Kill Tony. Joe to Rose is on tour. Jotorosacomedy.com Is that the right website? Jotarosa.com Also check out Joey Roses. One of the best sandwich shops anywhere is in New York City. Thank you to Shopify, nicked and open phone for this episode. Red Band. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. It. Sam. Sa. Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over.

[Michael Gonzalez]

Check out Red band's secret show every Thursday.

[Cynthia Brazil]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.