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Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Raymond coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Toy gift for toner. Let's go. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Brian Redbam and the best stand band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Am I correct? Indeed. That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa, Huevos Rancheros. This is Matt Muhling right here behind me on the electric. This is John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, that is D Madness. That's the first time I've ever gotten to use the blind stick before. That's very exciting. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Shopify, Nicked and OpenPhone. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Some people, including YouTube and Netflix, are saying we're the new number one comedy show in the world. Everybody right here in Austin, Texas, where it all started in Austin. Vulcan Gas Company. Not a lot of people know this, but we came straight here during the pandemic. We didn't go anywhere else in Austin. We support no other clubs other than, of course, our new home of the comedy mothership. And we decided why not do some fun throwback episodes in the grungy fucking. One of the just the dirtiest sixth street clubs that there is. We're back at Vulcan Gas Company and you are here. Those of you lucky enough to get tickets within the first four minutes of them being on sale, we're gonna have fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. 4th of July Savings are here at the Home Depot, so it's time to get your grilling on. Pick up The Traeger Pro Series 22 Pellet Grill and Smoker now on special buy for $389. Was $549. Smoke a rack of ribs or bake an apple pie. This grill is versatile enough to do it all this summer. No matter how you like your steaks, your barbecues are guaranteed to be well done. Celebrate 4th of July with fast free delivery on select grills right now at the Home Depot 72 availability. You know that one friend who somehow knows everything about money? Yeah. Now imagine they live in your phone. Say hey to Experian, your big financial friend. It's the app that helps you check your FICO score, find ways to save, and basically feel like a financial genius. And guess what? It's totally free. So go on, download the Experian app. Trust me, having a BFF like this is a total game changer. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? You know, every single week I book two or one sometimes of the funniest people in the world. This is a two person show. And because we're at Vulcan and because this is just grungy, true Austin, Texas feel, to me, it's not brand new. It's smoky, it's leaky. This building is very leaky. And it just reminds me of a random ass fun night in Austin. So I invited not only two of the best comedians in the world, but two of my favorite Austinites, two of my favorite drinking buddies, two of the best comedians in the world working today. Indeed. Make some noise for Joe derosa and Ari Mati, the Estonian assassin. And the dirty pig. Joe Derosa. Vile, horrendous Estonian assassin. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Live in the flesh, Ari Mati. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. How are we doing? Okay, thank God. Ari's the man. This is the dirt ball pig himself, Joe DeRosa, the King Pig. How are you, buddy? We're having fun tonight. I'm so excited to be back here. The first time I ever did kill Tony in Austin, it was at the Vulcan and it's been at the mothership ever since. But it's so fucking cool to be back here at this place. It's a vibe, Ari, you got to perform here? Never. Really? Never. You were post mothership. Post mothership. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. We did it. This is where you did it. Plus episodes. Oh, Red band's tits are shaking. What's going on? What are you laughing at? Over here. Okay. Fun, fun, fun. Sorry, I was trying to get a look at his tits. Yeah, they are some sweet. They are good tits. Thick and hearty old turkey breasts over here. All right, you guys know how the show works. About a 200 or so comedians. Make some noise real quick. Wait, you guys are all comedians? That's psychotic. You guys don't take direction very well, but I like your energy. They're back there. That's the point. There's a couple hundred comedians smashed over on the other side of the room. The overflows at a bar next door. It's all chaos. If I pull one of their names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which loudly interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview, and we talk shit and figure out more about them. They go through an entire interview process, and, yeah, that's the gist of it. But to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are fans of Kill Tony? How many of you are here because you had rich parents and you live in Austin? You want to be part of the coolest thing in town? Okay, that was good. Nobody failed that test. Well, the fans of the show, you're in for a very special treat. This man is a Kiltoni hall of Famer. To start the show tonight, he's one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, roast God. Make some noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody. Oh, my God. The show starting with David Lucas. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. I feel like I should have been 30, like, in the 80s or the 70s, because, like, girls in 2025 are too freaky for me. Like, I hate this squirting shit. I don't like it. It's like, do you think bitches were squirting during slavery? They couldn't. They were too dehydrated, you know? I don't know when this squirting shit became popular, bro. I think squirting came out with ugg boots, you know what I'm saying? You hoes started wearing uggs and started pissing everywhere. It's always weird when you fuck a girl and she squirts. She's like, oh, my God, I just squirted. It's like, bitch, you didn't squirt. You just fucked my mattress up. Bitches, this is a purple mattress. Ho. I gotta throw this shit out now. But, ladies, if you do have to squirt, which we know by now is pee, we just have one request. Just please hydrate. You know what I'm saying? Drink some fucking water, because don't nobody want that mimosa ass piss. You hoes be having that shit. Be strong as hell. Like mixing Clorox with fabuloso. I gotta. I gotta wear goggles and eat your pussy, bitch. All right, that's it. Thank you, David Lucas. Yeah, I just look at this gay nigga and start laughing. Who, me, nigga, You. Your head too big to be gay, David. Don't you find that the squirt dilutes the barbecue sauce stains that are already on the matt? I mean, she's doing you a favor. Joe derosa. Big head bitch. When you eat a bitch out, your forehead gonna be giving her tongue kisses. You have so many food packages delivered to your house, they had to change the name of the app to Post Office Mates. You look like you got a football helmet on, nigga. Shut the fuck up. Fucking New York jets helmet wearing motherfucker. You got a big ass head, nigga. You if you head but a nigga, you going to jail for murder. I thought they discontinued chocolate twizzlers. You have them on your head right now. Jesus Christ, bro. I hate to see you put on a fucking motorcycle helmet, nigga. God damn. How would you be an astronaut, nigga? That's. I don't know. I just want to shoot you in it. David Lucas. What's up? Talking about making girls squirt. Is that a thing that you do? Can you do that? Yeah. How do you. How do you do that? What? Are you sure it's not your sweat? That's just there. The end of a session. You the only that can squirt. Get the out of here. Wow. Well, now you put it in and then you go like this. Oh, okay. Curl it. One finger. I got big fingers, dog. So this really tiny fingers. Yeah, yeah. The bowling ball. Yeah, Give it up. Speaking of bowling balls, David Lucas is still here. Round and black indeed. How's life been, David? Life has been amazing. They just trying to stay away from gay like you. Well, how often are you around gay n words like me? Every time I do. Every time I do. Kill Tony. You son of a. Real homophobia. You're wiping a lot of sweat off your face. It's hot up here, dog. God. This bit smoky, is it? This like a. A. This like a rap music video. That girl is poisoned. I feel like. Hey. The fuck, David, what else you been up to? You've been on the road and stuff? Yes, sir. Touring all across the country doing the Killers of Kill Tony tour. Me ahrii Cam, Martin Phillips, Aaron Blau. What's it like? It's a cripple, three blacks and me killers of Kill Tony. It's the most Kill Tony shit ever, bro. It Is two retards, a white and three niggers. That shit fun as hell, bro. I hope that don't never stop. I have so much fun. Tell me about, like, the road part, not the shows. What's it like? Like being out with Martin Phillips and stuff? I don't go out with that nigga. I do. You do? Yeah, I do. I have time. I have patience. Ari. Be riding in the car with dude when it's windy outside. We're going wherever the wind takes us. You know what I'm saying? Martin ain't fighting wind. You know, Martin Phillips towards the direction and hopes for the best. You know, Martin Phillips drives from show to show. I'm driving. I'm in his car. I know. Scary as shit, dude. I take edibles and I'm. I just watch Martin drive. Dude, we're overtaking people. We're smoking weed. It's crazy. You should see when people look in the car and they're like, he's driving. Goddamn right. That weird as hell, bro. Wow. Oh, yeah. My goodness. You should join us on one, dog. That should have been hard. I'll pop in on one. People always ask, where's Tony? Yeah, that's a separate. I'd be like, somewhere getting. Son of a. How dare you? What do you eat when you're on the road? Everything. You should see the writer. When in the group chat, everyone gets their order. You should see. Please tell. Please give me the hot. I wish I had my phone. The Russian that killed Apollo Creed is trying to roast me. I must get the out of here. Boy. With that goddamn wham bam. Sure, though that look like comic. Comic book. The way he keeps doing jokes. I can tell there's a lot on this rider. I want to know more about the rider. No, hit us with the rider. Two rotisserie chicken. Oh, dude. Three packs of watermelon Kool aid. The producers are like, this is not an easy rider. It literally just looks like a list of stereotypes. A1 CD burner. This guy's got one hell of a chicken bucket list. One fire detector with no batteries. Hey, man, you. You gonna ask for avocado size ibuprofen? Big head. Three job applications. Tony, a probation officer, live in the flesh. David Lucas's rider, everybody. That's what's waiting for you in green rooms. If you guys totally. Pickles and cucumbers. I'm surprised you know what those vegetables are. David. You son of a bitch. How dare you? Son of a bitch. We're having fun here. David, you are the greatest person to Get a show started. You are so much fun. Anything else you want to say to this audience? What do you want to say to these people? Nah, y' all know where to find me at. Look at this Indian guy with the backwards hat trying to. That's an Indian. That nigga black as hell. That look like a character on Mortal Kombat. You can't unlock that Black as, boy. What the. He really put the end in Indian. God damn. That is why I know, because you Indian for real. You ain't a God damn, bro. That's why I know, because I was looking, I'm like, oh, thank God we have a cool black. Oh. Ah. It's a. It's a tech guy from San Francisco. Am I right? You work in tech. You grew up here, but you work. You work in tech. Yes, of course. Of course I do. I'm from Austin. Don't ever say you're from. You got tech, but. Right. But you go again, I swear to God, I'm from Texas. I have multiple guns. 9 mm. He is a black. He blackest shit. He is. This is the darkest Indian I've ever seen in my life. You could see his red dot if he had one. Yeah, looks like Slum doggy dog. He working at 7:11 and still out of the cash register. He looks like he'd fly an airplane into a kfc. If he tried to fly one, it'd run out of gas before he hit a building. And he definitely wouldn't have insurance on his airplane. No seat belts on his plane. Boy, your ass be holding on like you riding the train, but two 12 inch subwoofers for some reason in the cockpit. All right, David Lucas, you're the man. You got it started. Here we go. It's on Kill Tony, live from Vulcan Gas Company. That's the Kill Tony hall of Famer right there starting the show. David Lucas, one of four members of the hall of fame. All right, this is your first bucket pool tonight. This is where anything can happen. Maybe it's a local top rising young comedian. Maybe it's someone that's been trying for years to get on this show. Maybe it's a completely insane person. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Taylor Neely, everybody. Taylor Neely is starting the bucket portion of the show. Here we go. Make some noise one more time for Taylor Neely, everyone. I recently found out I'm 2% Italian, so I have been hitting my girlfriend. I got some bad news today. My veterinarian called and told me my Dog is sick. Like, he's really. Shut up. Yeah, he's really fucking sick. Like, he can't stop riding skateboards and smoking cigarettes. My dog is sick, dude. Are you guys afraid of artificial intelligence? Yeah, I'm not. But I have smoked crack cocaine with the homeless, and that is something chatgpt cannot do. After this, actually, I'm gonna order a Waymo and have it drive me off a bridge the other day. You ever see someone in the front seat of a Waymo? It looks like they're having their imaginary friend drive the car. The other day, I saw a homeless person washing the windshield on a Waymo. It's a driverless car. Also, there was no one in that car. It was a personless car. Thank you. All right, Taylor Neely, you've been on this show before, correct? Yes. Welcome back. How long has it been? October. Okay. Do you sign up every week? Pretty much. All right. How long have you been on standup? A little over four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin? No, in Atlanta before this. Okay. How long have you been here? Since August. Since August. Okay. All right. How's this different than Atlanta? Tell the people around the world how Austin's different than Atlanta. Let's all say it together. Less black. That's true. That's true. It's a true thing. I'm not making that up. It's not racist. It's just a true thing. I thought. I want to give an honest critique of your set. I thought when you stopped trying to be shocking, which you were trying to do at the beginning, and when you stopped saying things that were obviously fake about your dog playing Xbox, whatever the fuck that was. When you started to actually say real things, you saw, you started getting big laughs. Man. Stick to that shit. Stick to the real dude. Yeah, well, I wanted to last time I was here. I didn't. I did like audience call and response stuff. And, Tony, you didn't like that as much, so I wanted to just. Neither did the crowd or the viewers at home. I like that you're putting it on me. Well, nobody liked it. It's not like I have some irrational viewpoint. You almost went into the crowd during your set, too. You almost went off. Someone was talking. Yeah, yeah, we noticed when you said, shut the fuck up. Yeah, we were aware. Yeah, but I just. I just wanted to do a bunch of jokes back to back is what I wanted to do. That was my plan, and I did that. Okay, well, you did your plan jokes back to back. Next time, do good ones. What do you do for work? Handyman. You're a handyman? You have huge forearms. I'm noticing you have Popeye like forearms. I. I did wrestle. From first grade to senior of high school. Okay. In Ohio. Wow. So you're originally from Ohio? Yes. Columbus. Okay. I was just outside Youngstown, actually. What were you doing outside in Youngstown? I was visiting my friend who lives in Boardman. Nothing cool. Just visiting my friend. It's where the rich kids are from. Is that true? It seemed like a nice area. Because I know some areas aren't. Yeah, Youngstowns. Boardman's a township outside. The people say when they move to other cities, they go, I'm from Youngstown. And I can always tell. I go, Boardman. Yeah, because they look normal and human, like they had parents and water as a kid. Yeah, it's a whole thing. People from Youngstown get it. Don't worry about it. Not the victim. What do you do for fun, Taylor? For fun? I golf. I love to golf. Go to the gym. I'm sober, so I have to not drink. Why are you sober? Because I'm an alcoholic and a drug. What happened? I'll smoke. Yeah, I'll smoke crack cocaine immediately. Really? You've smoked crack cocaine? What was bottom? What was bottom? Bottom there's lower than crack cocaine. Yeah, but I want to know the bottom. The worst thing that. No, I'm not saying drugs. Worse. I want to know what's going on. The most regretful night of crack you've ever done sucking. The world wants to know. And now he answers the question. Well, since I've been to Austin, I've been to the psych ward twice, so. Okay, turns out bottom is in the basement. Why are you not talking about that in your act? That's. That's the you got to do instead of your dogs riding a skateboard around town. Thought you were in a goddamn psych ward. Turns out your dog's healthier than you are. Tell us about the psych ward. Yeah, well, I was on the regular floor, like, for sad people. The regular floor? Oh, yeah, the floor. The regular sad people floor in. The floor above are like, the real crazy people. We went into this, like, gymnasium one day, and there was this guy, just like some people you see out on 6th Street. Like, legitimately crazy people. And he started yelling about Joe Biden and saying this was Joe Biden's fault and just. Well, they got. Guy's right. He's not that crazy. That guy sounds like a genius to me. That's the same I was saying. And I wasn't in the psych ward at all. I love though, I love that no matter how low of a bottom somebody hits, they always think there's somebody worse, right? So he's in a psych ward and they're like, no, no, no. The really crazy people are up there. No, no, no. You're on the normal crazy. You're showing signs of improvement. You're doing good. Stick with us here. Your program's almost up. Those guys are going to be here forever. Those ones that are right about modern day politics. Okay, Taylor, give us one more crazy fun fact about you. One more crazy fun fact about me. Oh, Guy Fieri paid me $1,000 one time. Okay, let's go back actually. So when you say you've been to the psych ward here twice, was that immediately after like crazy crack benders? No, just it was alcohol withdrawal and I said I was going to kill myself. Oh, what floor is that? Regular. How What Kill yourself is first floor or second or third? Second floor. Third floor is. What's third? That's what. That's what I want to go real crazy. Second is just sad alcoholics and one is administrative, I guess. How close did you come to actually killing yourself, do you think? I don't know. When you get alcohol withdrawal, DTS are pretty rough and you're shaking and seeing bugs out of the corner your eye and it sucks a lot. And I had like guns out in my apartment and my friend came over and then he called the police. It was more for a cry of help. I don't know if I would have done it, but how much were you drinking right before then to have those types of withdrawals? Oh, this is the most ever. I drank twisted teas for like 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. Such a funny alcoholic. Put them on the twisted teas, dog. Put him on the first floor. He's not crazy. He's just a suicide. Over a tea twist. Get the out of here. A Somebody have too much tea? Too much tea. Crack and twisted tea. I love it. Oh my God. Turns out I have all the tea. 24 hours of day. It's twisted. Holy man. So 24 hours a day. Let's talk about the amount. Let's talk about a measurable like amount. Are we talking tall cans? I don't know, cuz I think once you go through DTS the first time, your body goes to it quicker the second time. And it's just I probably 30 to 50, 12 ounce cans a day. That's a lot of Sugar. Is that a lot? Yeah, no. Yeah, it's also the. That's a lot of sugar. I think David Lucas has your same addiction. Yeah, he does. The non alcoholic twisted tea. Hey, yo, give me 30, 50 cans of that. All right. All right. Taylor. So that's crazy. That's wild. What would you do in these states of mind? 30, 50 twisted teas in. Oh, watch college football and watch fucking awesome. Watch. Watch Bob does sports on YouTube. Watch YouTube videos and pass out and come to watching long form golf videos. Wow. I went to the psych ward when Ohio State played Oregon. I passed out halfway through that game. And then I went to the psych ward that night. Yeah, that was a rough game. Hey, but guess who won it all. Tony. We got him back, buddy. Oh. All right, my friend. Congratulations. Fun times. Interesting, interesting stuff. I agree with Joe. Rough start, but at the end you picked it up. Talk about your crazy life, dude. People will find you more interesting. You come across as a sober Jesse Pinkman. You gotta get into the good. Give us that good. You guys having fun yet? You. Oh my God, it's Heidi. Holy. Holy. All right. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when I started this podcast, it seemed like I had to figure it all out on my own. Set up, filming, schedule, logos, every single fraction of the show. I mean every single thing. The adjustments, it was so overwhelming. And every day seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer. Answer. 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Apple Cash services are provided by Green bank member fdic. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Aaron West. Aaron West. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right, well, we'll see what happens here. Aaron West. Okay, here we go. Any second. She's coming from the east. Here he is. Make some noise one more time for Aaron Wes. Well, howdy, Howdy. Howdy, y' all. Welcome to a little place I like to call Texas. No, I've never been there before. Never been to this building. So tonight I was a little bit confused. You see, I was turning the corner and I saw an ocean of homeless people and a giant ass line to the front door. And I thought, well, damn, that place must have some pretty good soup. You see, you know, it's a good soup kitchen when people with shoes start lining up. Didn't know whether to get the hobo bisque or the cream of vagrant. Same suit, but a little more, you know, floaters. Now, folks, today I saw a sports car. I know what you're thinking, fellas. Sports car. Oh, yeah. This is a Dodge Challenger. Easy bubba. And it had a decal on it that said scat Pack. Now, call me old fashioned, but isn't pack and scat just a fancy term for butt sex? This is my impersonation of a Hispanic man working at a Burger King moments after Dolly Parton walks out. Oh, top button. You see her? She had some impossible Whoppers. That's it. All right. Aaron West, I like your style, man. You're a silly goose. I'm a little out there. Yeah, I like it. How long you been doing standup? On and off, but mainly off for about 10 years. Okay? Hell, yeah. Why off? Why are you stopping? I like to drink new cocaine a lot more than I like to sit down and write. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Not anymore. Let's talk a little bit more about this here. It's a common theme. Yeah. So what's your lowest point? Yeah, I mean similar. You know, you get to a point where. Second floor. Oh, oh, I'm at the basement. This is third floor. I'm at the basement with a shovel. No. Probably the last day I drank. Oh, the last day I drank, folks, it was like any other day, except for I wasn't as drunk as I wanted to be. I was too drunk. And the next day I woke up with a tattoo of a lobster with boobs on my arm. And that's when I knew. Put the cap on the bottle and put it in the basement, man. And that's where I was heading. Basement with a shovel. Wow. You fit in just right around here. What do you do for work? I work at a restaurant. You're a waiter? Yeah. Yeah. How. How old are you? 35. 35. Okay. What do you do for fun? Well, I. I write a lot. I make little wacky videos. Uh huh. They're called Beef Squeaks. Beef Squeaks? Explain to us what those are. It's like a one man show. I write them. It's me doing multiple characters kind of like this, but a little more zany. Yeah, it gets zanier. It does, okay. Yeah, it really does. When it's just me and a camera. Lock the doors. That is the perfect word to describe him is zany. He's extremely zany. Speaking of which, Joe Derosa's performing at Zany's in Nashville June 27th and 28th. That was very nice. Thank you. Thank you. Because he's also zany. I am zany. I hope to see you all there. I enjoy your zaniness. I think if you figure out a way to be a little more organic with the mugging stuff, you know that stuff. I feel like if you figure out a way to organically weave that in a little bit more, it's going to be a really strong suit for you. But I thought your jokes were really funny, man. That soup joke is really fucking funny. Appreciate it. Yeah, seriously. Are you married? No, it's. I wear this for sobriety. It's like a promise to myself. Okay. Wow. I meant to leave it in my pocket, but they were wanding me down and I put it on my finger. Incredible. How long have you had that sobriety ring on your finger? So I guess I was serious about sobriety once I hit a year and I'm four and a half years now. Nice. Thanks. Very good. It's. It's. It's really wild doing this sober. Like, I'm. It's really wild. I've never done comedy sober. Interesting. You mean till 10? Yes. I hadn't done comedy in about seven, eight years. This is your first time doing it in seven years and doing it sober? Yes. Incredible. Wow. Hey. Amazing. A lot of people, when they get sober from a crippling addiction, they fill their lives with another addiction. What do you think that addiction is? Since you haven't done standup since then, it must be something else. Is it women, Rollerblading? What is it? Or if they're walking? No, I like. I like. I collect artwork. Paintings. I have a lot of, like, a crazy amount of paintings. It's, like, kind of disgusting. Whoa. Wow. There's some gold diggers right up there. I mean, floor to ceiling. My place is like, you know the, like, Etsy gallery walls, like, every single wall is covered. It's. It's kind of like people walk into my place and they're like, set back a little bit. It's a tiny little apartment in a nicer area, but it's super cheap. I tell people it's like it's a forgotten apartment complex because all these, like, mansions were built around it. And they were like, well, the pool boy has to live somewhere. And, like, those are our fucking apartments. Like, what are the paintings of? I mainly, I personally love paintings of like, 18th century. Like, kind of like Mr. Burns. Like creepy men. Like, that's like what I have on my screen. You look like a creepy Mr. Burns down here. Yeah. A young Mr. Burns that are to spy mirrors. That's why people get creeped out. Every painting in your house looks like a painting you cut the eyes out of to spy on people. It's a lot of people that look like you. Yeah. Maybe there's a young, unsuccessful David Copperfield in there. Oh, yeah. Are you Greek? Am I what? Are you Greek? No. Latino. Right? You're into Latino fashion, I see. Well, thank you. You did that as a joke earlier. Red band. That was a thing. Remember? He did it. No, I'm German and German and Cherokee. You're German and what? And Cherokee. The happened there? I don't know. Yeah, we hate them. Party with them. Yeah. I don't know. Wow. All right, Aaron, Fun times, buddy. I liked your set. Here's a big joke book. Aaron West. On to the next one we got. Fascinating, man. Keep doing it. Start doing after seven years. That's Incredible comeback. Take care. Hell, yeah. There he goes. Aaron west, everybody. Fun times. That's your kind of guy. He's a real hipster. He's got paintings on his wall. You're like, joe derosa is a hip guy. I feel like if I got sober, I would act like that. You would, which is why I keep drinking. What's up, everybody? Whoa. Yeah. Thanks for having me, Tony. I'll be at Zany's. All right. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Cynthia Brazil, everybody. Cynthia Brazil. Here she is. One more time for Cynthia, everyone. Ladies, I am thick and tired. Now, I'm not gonna beat around the bush because I am Brazilian. We don't do bush. But as a woman, in order to savor 2 ounces of sausage, I have to put up with a 200 pound pig. And I don't hate men. I shave my armpits. But for example, if girls fuck boys, they're called sluts. If men do the exact same, they win an island. I'm not talking about Jeff Epstein. I'm talking about Boy Island. Not the TV show, the Vatican. Hallelujah. That's my time. Okay. Cynthia Brazil. Man. What's crazy about that set is that the boy island thing would have worked had we already not been convinced that you weren't funny before that. Ouch. Everything. Shut up. I love her. Really. Shut up, Tony. That was amazing. Cynthia. Wow. That was incredible. Cynthia. I can totally mentor you later. Yeah, Cynthia. Shut up. Tony. Voice of a generation. Cynthia. Cynthia. How long you been doing stand up? A little less than three years. Have you been on the show before? Nope. Okay, less than three years. Where at? At the Ding Dong show. Every Monday with Dawn Barris. That's right. I've done Australia. How long have you been on the Ding Dong Show? It's gonna be a year next month. Wow, that is so cool. I did not know that. So you've been doing the Ding Dong show every Monday for a year? Yes. And what do you do on the Ding Dong Show? For those of you that don't know, the Ding Dong show is famously the longest running show at the Comedy Store. It's not particularly a standup show. It's led by the great Don Barris, who's been our guest numerous times. The creator of the great movie Windy City Heat. And he has a very. How would you describe the show? It's hard to describe. I do stand up. Nicole Tran is in it, too. She does stand up. But there are some people that do their stuff and they're a little bit Crazy. Well, you know, you're familiar with the people that come here. A little autistic, A little crazy. Yeah. And, you know, we welcome everyone. Absolutely. Yeah. It's a very open format. So how long of a set do you do there on Mondays now? I've been doing six, but before it was like 10, 15 sometimes, but. But then Don is amazing. Don and Mary Jane. So it's been really good to be over there learning from them and all that stuff. How many spots a week do you live in la? I do. And so, like, you get out a lot and do spots, open mics and stuff? I do, yeah. I. I did like a mini tour in Florida with Phil Medina and Jason Schuster. I did east coast. I've done Australia. How do you make money? Let her finish Two shots of whiskey in the green room. What would have happened if you would have done three? Go ahead, my angel. I have another tour for you, by the way. Bottle service and bartending. Okay. Yeah, okay. That's in la? Yes, that's in la. All right. You do bottle service in la? Yeah. Okay. D Madness. I found a new all blind bar you can go to. It's. It's for blind people that don't care how hot the bottle service girls are. Wow. Nobody. Tony, what the. I'm kidding. It rained twice today. Okay, I'm kidding. Cynthia. It's an ongoing joke between me and Ari. He likes you. We're doing good. Cop out, Tony. I'm leaving. Ouch. Cynthia, what do you do for fun? You have kids? No. Okay. Yes. Oh, redband. Oh, red Band's got a chance all of a sudden. What the was that? You know how to do make a body shots? Not that kind of club. Okay. Anyway. Cynthia, what do you do for fun? I don't know. I don't go out as much now because I'm at a concert venue like three times a week. So just, you know, hiking, go to the gym, go to the movies. I started with acting before I. Did you ever do any acting? Yeah. What did you play? Well, there's a lot of, like, credits on IMDb, so I've done like action movies. I've done like a kids show too, where I got to see saying that was a really cheesy one. I'm not. Why don't we do a little acting scene? Why don't we do. Ari, Maddie is a secret agent. Yeah, Ari, Maddie's a secret agent. And the only way you're going to let her out of the interrogation. The only way you're going to let her out of the interrogation is she has to sing to you. Whoa. No, see that, that was Shakira. Okay, here we go. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this summer, what happens when an Estonian secret agent has to interrogate a blonde chick? Cynthia, my angel. We have to save the world. Okay, that's good. Improvise. We have to save the world, Cynthia. And for this to happen, to stop the nuclear attack on America, we have to kill Tony. That's good acting. That's good improvising right there. Keep going, keep going. Cynthia, you must sing. Whoa. Shakira. Hips don't lie, but men do. I called you man. Most people call you gay. I was respectful. Okay, all right. Very good. I can't understand anything you're saying. It's all good. We're not alone. It's all good. Yes. All right. Great scene, guys. Unbelievable. That was great, Cynthia. Once in a lifetime experience. Literally amazing. Daniel Day Lewis. It's your mind that I'm interested, not your body. Cynthia, did you have fun here tonight? Oh, so much fun. So grateful. Here you go. Here's a medium joke book. You're gonna be able to catch it. Believe in yourself. There you go. Cynthia Brazil, everyone. Thank you. I'm not going to be able to catch it. I'm not going to be able to catch it. There she goes. Cynthia Brazil, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Incogni. Here's the problem. Data brokers are gathering your personal information and selling it for profit. They scan the web for names, addresses, social media profiles, court records, and build detailed profiles on individuals just like you. This data then ends up in the hands of scammers, which leads to spam, identity theft, and even loss of control over your personal data. Sounds like a big problem, right? Well, not everyone. Not everyone is in trouble anymore, thanks to Incogni. Redban Incogni solves this problem by reaching out to data brokers on your behalf and requesting they remove your personal data. The whole process is automated. I love knowing my personal info is safe with Incogni. Tony. That's incredible. Red band. While you can, ask these data brokers yourselves to delete your personal info. This process takes hundreds of hours to do manually, so let Incogni do it for you. Take your personal data back with Incogni. Use code kill Tony and get 60 off an annual plan@incogni.com Kill Tony. That's I n c o g n I.com Kill Tony. This looks like a fun next name. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. It's Mushroom Matte Mushroom Mat. This Is definitely a first time. Could be a mat we've seen before on mushroom mushrooms. Or it's just a new comedian mushroom mat. I would know if I've seen a mushroom mat before. How many of you like oxygen out there? How many of you like air? How many of you like a cold water on a hot day? Yeah. One more time for mushroom mat, everybody. All right. My love life has been cursed from the jump. First girl I hooked up with lost my virginity, gained chlamydia. Didn't even know I had it. For over a year. I thought I was getting that burning sensation because my girlfriend had a spicy pussy. Okay, I realize that sounds childish. I was 16. I wasn't even surprised when I started getting that burn. I mean, she literally said her pussy was fire. On top of that, the bitch would eat hot Cheetos for breakfast. If pineapple. If pineapples make your body fluids taste sweet, what the fuck do you think that's gonna do? Here's the sick, twisted. Here's the sick, twisted part about the whole ordeal. When I did find out how to chlamydia, I didn't want the cure. Turns out I liked it. Okay, I realize that sounds sick. Let me try to explain. I love spicy food. If I can order something spicy, I do. Fried rice, spicy salsa, spicy ramen, spicy as hell, sex, spicy police. Y' all don't realize the head of your dick and the tip of your tongue are like cousins. Chlamydia is pretty much a sexual srratcha. It spices up the bedroom. It is hot sauce for your hot dog. All right. Thank you. Okay. Mushroom mat. I've never had a guy talk about pussy his whole set. And yet we're all positive you're gay. It's incredible. Damn. Really? You are deep in the closet. Mushroom mat. No, you gotta relax, man. Yeah. It's not good to deliver your set like a car salesman who, if he doesn't make the sale, he's gonna lose his job. Just chill out, bro. Okay, okay. I'm very antsy guy. Normally I have, like, really high energy. Are you on mushrooms? No. Well, like, it depends on what you consider on. I microdose every day. Yeah, that's on. Okay. Okay. What the fuck is going on anymore in the society. Jesus Christ. Depends on what you consider on every day. He said some Jordan Peterson right there, right? Well, depends what you consider on. I mean, you're on it, buddy. That's mushrooms. You do it every day? Yeah. What else do you do every day? That's about it. I mean, I smoke Weed as well, Matt. That's plenty. Don't add anything else to that equation. How long have you been doing stand up? About three years. What do you do for work? I am a bartender at the Line Hotel. Okay. How long have you been doing that for? About a month. I just moved out here about three months ago. From where? The Bay Area. Ooh, the Bay Area. It's raining there, no doubt about it. You might be the first bartender in history where a customer doesn't have a problem ever getting another drink. What do you need? What do you need? What do you need? No, I'm very quick. Very quick. I can make 20 drinks in five minutes. Is that true? Yeah. We're gonna put that to the test right after this set, everybody. Wait, what? Okay. What do you do for fun? Mushroom. Matt. So I'm really good at catching birds. Jesus Christ. You do that with, like, what, hands? Well, yeah, so, like, usually it's with. I have, like, my brothers. We will dig a hole at the beach, and then I'll hide inside of the hole under a towel, and then my brothers will throw bread on top and then we'll catch the seagulls, bro. Do less rooms, dude. Matt, why the fuck do you do that? God damn it. Why do people go fishing? It's for the thrill, right? I mean, it's the same thing. I like to fish, too. Going fishing and catching birds are not the same thing. And seagulls are easy to catch, man. Yeah, it's fun, too. How many birds do you think you've caught in your life? Probably in, like, double digits. At least 13. Wow. At least 13 birds have been caught. And have any ever shown any signs of injury after? No, no, no. I show more signs of injury. I caught a goose one time and it smacked me in the face with its wing. Wow. Okay. Just when you thought a seagull's life couldn't get any shittier. How long. What do you want to drink? Seagull? My. My pussy's burning. This is a spicy seagull. Oh, this seagull smells like shit. I like it. All right, Mushroom Mat. Why do you go by the name Mushroom Mat if you're just microdosing? Well, I do macrodose every once in a while as well. I've done an ounce before. You've done an ounce before at once? My birthday three years ago was a good time. What exactly happened after you did an ounce? Everything got super weird. I think it's still pretty weird. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, I mean, that's eight times more than a lot so things get super weird when I do a fraction of that. How do you explain super weird? The birds were catching me. They put me in a towel. I was just nibbling on their bread and they grabbed me. I'm straight. Get off me. Birds, you fetches, bitches. Birds Noah. Everything kind of just feels like you're in a haunted house. It kind of gets scary. It feels like there's spirits running around, but, like, sometimes they talk to you and you make friends. Wow. Do you remember what any of the spirits told you? They told me not to do that many mushrooms again. Okay. Really? Yeah. Spirits didn't bring up the birds at all? No. Seagulls are assholes. They said they keep doing that. Okay. Mushroom Matt, what are you doing around town when you're not doing stand up or bartending? I like to go fishing. So you do go fishing. You're obsessed with catching animals. Yeah. Yeah. I have considered moving to Florida to, like, catch snakes in the Everglades to help with the python problem. Okay. Adds up. I love catching animals. I don't know. Wow. Did you know there was a python problem? This guy's filled with info I was not aware of. What's the python problem? So in the Everglades, there's just like a lot of pythons, Like Burmese pythons. I guess the Hurricane Katrina, like, released all the pet store snakes and so they just ran rampant inside of the Everglades and they're like, eating alligators and shit now. It's pretty crazy. And. Okay. It's okay. And you think you could help with that? You think you could be one of the single hand solutions to the python problem? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Wow. I have a question for the audience. Does any. Just raise your hand? Does anybody in this audience write comic books? No. Can somebody find somebody that writes there needs to be a comic book about this man? Yeah. Would you not read the comic book of mushroom mat pythons? Yeah. No, I'd skip it. I gotta tell you, it's a bad idea. I thought it sounded good at first. Now Cynthia needs to be a comic book hero. What's your love life like, Mushroom Matt? In real life? It's not great. It's not great. I've been single for a long time. I guess I'm kind of just looking for the right girl. You must crazy, huh? That energy. Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin? Kissed? Yes, I have kissed a girl. Yes. I went on a date. Mushroom Mat Fun times. Here's a little joke book, my friend. Boom. Mushroom. Thank you. Here's the lovely Heidi, everybody. And look, there's a local public defense defender here, everyone. Amazing. It's one of the better public defenders in the city. All right, you guys having fun here tonight, huh? Make some noise for your next bucketful. Nick James, everyone. Nick James. Here he comes. One more time for Nick James, everyone. All right, thank you. Thank you. I don't know how to say this. I'm not sexy, like, at all. And I can't even dirty talk right either. Like, I just sound way too polite and dorky. Like, I had this girlfriend, and she would always say things like, nick, I want you to eat my pussy from the back. And me being me, I would just be like, well, okay, you betcha. Whoa, here we go. And the same night, she was like, you know what? Take the condom off. I don't care anymore. Just fuck me raw. And I'm just like, well, splendid. Oh, I will happily oblige. Thank you. All right. After that, she's like, all right, Nick, I want you to do something crazy. I want you to choke me. I want you to demean me. I want you to say mean, wild shit. And I do all that. But even then, I'm still like, well, I hope this isn't too tight around your neck, you bitch. Are you okay? You fucking whore. I love you. All right, there you go. Nick James. The return of Nick James. We know Nick. He's been on the show a few times. Hey, how's it going? Welcome back. Still working at the parking lot? No, I got fired from that, actually. Ooh. Why'd you get fired? They found out I didn't have a car for most of my employment. And why did. Well, why was that a problem? Because they require you to have a car. Yep, that'll do it. Why, though? Why do you have to have a car to park cars? Well, no, I was writing. Don't boo me again. But I was writing parking tickets, Damn it. Stat. All right, super villain. Not very polite of you, Matt. Not very polite. Did you used to boot people, too, sometimes? No, no, it was just riding parking tickets. And now I can talk about this freely, since I'm not working there anymore. Half the time, I would just like. All right, dude, you know what? Just tell me you're proud of me, and I'll let you off. You know, like, I'll just. Wow, that's a great joke. Is that one of your jokes? No, do that as one of your jokes. Yeah, that's a great joke. All right. Yeah. Thank you. That's just my personality, but thank you. Joe. All right, cool. You're welcome. I think you're funny, man. Yeah. How long have you done stand up? Oh, see, not counting that weird Covid year. Like, this is actually my sixth year as of last week. Yeah. Your pacing was good. I like that I came out calm. Pacing was good. That was good. Yeah. Dude, I was so nervous, I almost tripped up the stairs on my way up here. So thank you. That means a lot, actually. What do you do now that you don't work at a parking lot? I do Lyft full time, so I'm unemployed. Wait, so now you have a car? I do, yeah. You got fired for not having a car? Like, I. I got fired, and then two weeks later, I bought a car. I'm like, can I have my job back? And they're like, fuck you. No. Like, wow. Yeah, they're real dicks. Who would guess? Oh, I'm sorry, what was that? Who would have guessed that the people in charge of writing tickets were dicks? Yeah. What kind of car did you get? I got a 23 Chevy Malibu. A Chevy Malibu? Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. Good man. So what's it like swimming in bitches? Well, I'm gonna be honest. I had a bit of a dry spell for the last three months, but way. But I got some the other night. Wow. Take us through it. Exactly what happened there? Yeah, Well, I. Well, I matched with this girl on Hinge, and then I met her up at a bar, and then I, you know, I ate her in her car and then. Wow. So where. Where exactly did you guys go? Where did you go? Like, take us through the actual date. You kind of skipped a little bit there. All right, so it's like an old DVD when you would skip scenes and just jump, jump, jump. All right, I'll do a little play by play. So I met up at my usual spot, Fraziers. Wow. All right. Yeah, it's a great bar, right? And they got these booths there, and they're really comfy, you know, and that's, you know, like, you get the girl in the booth, like, and, you know, you can kind of. Like, you have an excuse to sit close to her. And it sounds really creepy, actually, but, like, yes, in my case, it works, you know? And, you know, like, I've banged probably, like, five girls. I've taken them to Fraziers over the last, like, year and a half. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I'm kind of a horror, dude. Like, wow, look at you. Absolutely incredible. You really are. I was making a joke about your Chevy Malibu, but it turns out Jokes on me. You're swimming in pussy. I mean, it is the destroyer. Fraziers. So five girls. So let's talk about this the other day thing. You took her to Frasier's, and then how did you end up eating her pussy inside of her car? What kind of car did she have? Something smaller than a Malibu. I wasn't paying attention, honestly. I think it was a Toyota or something. But not a Prius. I know that. Okay, so how did it get to that? Well, I. You know, we were already kind of. We were flirting pretty heavily over text, you know, so that made. That gave me some confidence to start off with. Yeah, flirting pretty heavily. Yeah. Yeah. Can you give us an example of what some heavy flirtation from you via text looks like? Fucking psycho. Let's see. This is a little difficult on my phone, but let's see here. Let's unlock his phone real quick. Let's get a yonder unlocker here and give me an unlocker. I want the real. I don't want you to have to use your imagination. I think it's better, in fact. Is it okay if I read it? Yeah, go for it. Great. Perfect. Is it in your pocket? No, it's. They made me take it out. It's in the bin over there. Oh, okay. Somebody grab that bin. And a yonder unlocker. Or we can get the tech guy to probably do some special code on it or something. Now I know how to massage. We made these in San Francisco, where I'm virtually from. I lied. All right, here we go. How about a hand for the lovely Christy, everybody? Her and Yoni, always keeping the train on it. This isn't my phone. Wow. That's right. We gave you her phone. We can read the messages here. My phone. I. I know what happened. I put my phone in the pocket of my backpack. Yeah, just bring the whole backpack up here. Yeah, it's the green one. Oh, this is where we all get killed, everyone. All right, I just need my entire backpack. Guy that got fired from his writing tickets job that gets all the pussy and his Chevy Malibu. Oh, thank you. Hey. Oh, yeah. Let's go. All right, you might have to scroll up a little bit. I'll scroll, buddy. I'll scroll. All right. Monday or Sunday? Hold on a second. Wait, when is this? Where are we at? Oh, she sent. You sent pictures of your dog. Oh, yeah. Wow. Of his dog, did you say? Absolutely incredible. There's a lot of texts here. Oh, okay. So many pictures of dogs. Wow. You're right. So that you're saying that the flirting started heavily on Sunday or Monday about. Yeah, like I just know I jerked off a lot on Sunday, so I have a good feeling. Oh my goodness. O I saw a text where she goes, damn you and your sex appeal, Psycho. Get out of here. I was saving that. You get out of here. You're the creepy one for reading me reading some other dude's flirty text over my shoulder. He doesn't know any better. He's your own European. I keep. By the way, you're all in big trouble because I keep scrolling up because I'm seeing so much good. I'm like, wow, what else? This is. Oh my God. So when did you guys go out? Monday night. Yeah, okay. Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry I missed the last kill, Tony, but you know. Yeah, I had things to do. We totally noticed you weren't there where everyone was like it. Where's Nick James again? Where do you like to go for a drink? You. She asks you, where do you like to go for a drink? Usually Frasier's on E6, but I'm always able to suggestions. I've never been to either. So I'm down for the adventure. Lol. I like its energy. It gets busy but you can still hear each other talk. Follow up from him. And it's not on Dirty six, so none of that nonsense. Oh yeah, it's not on Dirty, so it must be clean. Okay, perfect. I like to chat. And east side is infinitely better than dirty. Wow. She's got her own amazing thoughts. Oh yeah, right. Bars are so much cleaner too. You dirty boy. Wow, there's some real whores in here tonight. May I be one of those girls and get your birth chart information? I must Investigate. Smiley face. LOL. Sure. 1-8-94. Born on a Saturday morning in a blizzard. I swear to God, I'm not changing a fucking word. By the way. How exciting. Do you know what time I forget? I think like 10 in the morning. Yup. I've never seen so much someone with so much cap energy. Hello. Oh there's. You're using caps a lot. Do you have a lot of friends? I have many acquaintances. Lol. But a decent amount of friends. What? Haha. I can see that. Do you feel super psychic? No. Lol. I delude myself into thinking I am a lot though. Does that count? It's all in the mindset anyway. You are what you eat and believe. What's your dating history been like? Lol. True. And let's see. Played the field a lot, had a couple serious relationships over the years. Some short flings and whatnot. Don't worry, though. My hoe phase is over. Genius. Bravo, young Skywalker. Pretty much the same. Got my hoface over with early. Props on her. Props on her while they're both being disgusting. Had a serious relationship in my mid-20s, then recovered from that. Nice. Two recovered hoes looking for stability now. You are a sly doggie. You're a sly little doggie. They ain't call me big Dick Nick for nothing. Wow. Okay, don't make it creepy. All right? I did. No, this is you. Sorry. I did have one girlfriend cheat on me, so that sucked. But no great tragedies. Smart. Oh, yeah. Looking back, I should have been a bigger hoe. I was out there looking for love. I swear to God, I'm not changing a word. Oof. I hope she got the opposite of everything she ever wanted as karma. Yeah, it was a weird situation. Yeah. We can always be big hoes together. Haha. Oh, my God. You fucking pig. Hold on. And just to let you know, I on this next one, this is her. And when I say check mark, I mean the actual check mark emoji. Get ready for it. Here we go. Remember, we're coming off of who it can always be big hoes together. Ha ha ha ha ha. True written out. Ha ha. Here we go. Okay, let me check my hoe. Bag of essentials. Don't care. Attitude. Check. Let's just see where this goes. Check. Bikini thirst traps. Check. Okay, I'm ready to go. Hell yeah. Checking my manho. Checking my bag of manhoe essentials. Aloof. Hiding my horniness. Attitude. Check. Jeans that show off my bulge. You know, I was on Kill Tony a few times. I swear to God. Whoops. Oh, oh. Oops. Okay, there's one more. By the way, I know it's such a great text, but there's one more that's part of that tax. That. That is one. Just to let you know, for those of you in the front, if you're wondering about the check marks, can you confirm that there are check marks? There are check marks there. There's one more room that was just cleaned an hour before this fucking dirt ball. We may just be a match made in hell. It's so cute when men try to hide their horniness. They'll be talking about anything and everything. And I'll never be mad about tight jeans. I have something to fantasize about. Lol. I just lumped all the cliches in there. I'm definitely guilty of talking too much when I'm horny. You might have to put a muzzle on me, but I'll make sure to wear some extra tight jeans just for you. Oh, you're holding up your bulge right. Oh, wow, look at that. I like being Electric Tooth, so the chattiness will really work for me. What do you like to see a girl wearing? I'm a man of simple taste. A short skirt and a tank top with lots of cleavages. Always nice. Simple taste like what? Literally, like every guy's like favorite situation. Oh, simple taste. You know, the sluttiest on planet Earth. Luckily that's what I wear every day. Jk. I wear a lot of shorts. I was about to say my prayers have been answered. Haha. So does that mean you still wear the tank top with cleavage? Oh yeah. I get hot easily, so I like to be as uncovered as possible. So my prayers were answered. Lol. Lucky you. What's your type of girl? Whatever type you are, I swear to God. But less corny answer. She's got to be nice, fun to talk to with just enough hoe to match my freak, but not so much that I gotta worry. What's your type of guy? Someone funny, sweet, smart, honest and protective. Someone I can turn my brain off when I'm around them because I be thinking all day and my brain hurts. Wow, I got a winner. Right? She says, what's your freak? My freak. Honestly, much as I value deep connection and love and all that, I'm also just a very horny guy. So like PG. PG13. PDA. But in the bedroom. I'm probably going down on you for like a half hour, Stuff like that. This is crazy. This is amazing. That sounds amazing. I have a. I'm a. Oh, wow. I have a bit of an exhibitionist urge and I like to be very submissive, but secretly the one in control. Well, I better be on my best behavior for our date then. Something tells me I'm in for quite the show. I'm crying. I googled exhibitionist to make sure that was the right term and it called it a mental illness. Okay, I meant I just like the adrenaline rush from being super sexy and sexually teasing in public. Haha. I got both definitions back to back. And I just crossed my fingers that it was the sexy one. But damn, didn't know you were freaky like that. When I clicked on your profile, I thought, oh, she seems so sweet and innocent. Turns out you're also sweet and devious. I'm a Gemini. I have two personalities. Public Persona equals sweet, professional works with students in private, unhinged I have to have an outlet. I'm a walking sexy teacher. Trope. In that case, want to give me a private lesson on sexual education? I think I'll also need some extra tutoring from you too. Come to my office hours and show me how you've been trying to learn the material. Sounds like a plan. I hope it's an oral exam. It sounds like something you already excel there. Bring me something you want to improve on. True, but practice makes perfect. Although I could use a refresher course on leaving hickeys. Oh, you dirty dirt ball. Slow makeouts are my favorite. Really? Guess that makes two of us. He's just agreeing with anything she's saying. Oh, two of us for sure. Totally agree. Can I eat your yet? Okay. Oh, my God. I'm going to scroll a bit because you guys are yappy fucks. I'm sorry. Wow, I feel a little swindled. You're killing it on the chat. I mean, you're killing it here. You came up with this fucking Owen Wilson routine of like, ah, shucks, I don't know, maybe your pussy is good. And now you're in these fucking messages like a vampire. I mean, this is insane. Dude, you're like Usher. Dude, what's the worst first date you've been on? Probably going to see the Hobbit too. And. And having to explain every Lord of the Rings movie so she'd stop asking me. Lol. How about you? Awkward. Incel comic takes the cake. But a close second was back in undergrad. The guy invited me over to his apartment. It was the filthiest setup I've ever seen in my life. I sat with my other. With my other crossed on the very edge of the mattress that was on the floor. While he talked about basketball, I sat with my legs crossed. I see why you ate her pussy in her own car. By the way, she doesn't like a. Is your apartment messy? I mean, it was clean at the time when I brought her over, so. Wow. Okay, this has gone on way too long, but I gotta tell you, this is unbelievable. Unbelievable flirting. There's a saying in Estonian that the guy who ends up fucking the girl always comes from the corner. That's you, dude, with that game. I love it. I don't know about that, but I can't believe. Didn't you all think the saying would be way cooler than that? No, it's tragic. This is gonna be really profound. They say in Estonia, the guy that fucks the girl is the one that talks to her. Okay, that's Fucking really brilliant. All right, thank you, Estonia. Super insightful. Wow, what a country you come from. Oh, all right. Yeah, I'm done. What? Well, what. What am I doing? You want to call her? Let's ask her how the eating was to close this segment of the show. All right. She did go to bed an hour ago, but let's see if I can wake her up. The person you're trying to reach is not available. Oh, my God. All right, fun times. Nick James, you're a legend. How about one more time for Nick James secret show tomorrow. You already have a big joke book, right, Nick? Not yet. Not yet. You only have a little one. There you go, buddy. Congratulations. Oh. Oh, shit. Right in that pussy eating mouth of his. All right, everybody, your next comedian goes by the name of Ryan Igler. Ryan Igler. Okay, nice quick transition here. Make some noise for Ryan Igler, everybody. So I live out in the country. I just found out what code switching is. It's so fun. Like, it's a new way to get out of speeding tickets, Coach. Switch it to a little pretty girl. But I'm aware of it now. So my little sister plays on a special needs baseball team. It's called the Challenger League. It's a great name, but I coach on it sometimes. And it's most. I'm just there because, like, some of the moms can't handle some of them. So I get to get sacrificed off the survivor tribe to wrangle. But one day, the pitcher on the team didn't want to throw the ball. Now, his name's Donnie. He's the smallest guy in his family. He's 6 foot 2. He has Downs. He's also deaf. And they sent me out there to go get him to throw the ball. So I'm explaining to him on the mound, I'm like, donnie, you can't roll the ball. You have to throw the ball. But I realized I was doing it in death. Danny, you can't run to mom. You have to throw the mom. Thanks. I'm a Ryan Echler, guys. All right, I'm gonna read some more Nick James text messages, get this show back on track. I did like that. You did an Ari Matty impression right at the end there. It's good. How long you been trying stand up, Ryan? I'm four months in, four months in. All of it here in Austin? No, I'm out of Houston. Okay. What? How old are you? I'm 33. What made you start now at 33 years old? I've always wanted to do it I just never had time. I was always on the road. What were you doing on the road? I was a guitar player. Guitar player for a band? Yeah, for several. Just hired gun type stuff. Session work, all that. So I'd always be gone. Okay. And which band? Anybody we would know? Yeah. Started playing for a guy named Jason Allen. Toured Texas playing honky tonks with him, one chick. You guys know Jason Allen? No, the band does not. It's fine. It's Texas country stuff. Okay. But played for a chick named Peyton Howey. That was fun. Got introduced to the festival world through that one. And then the most recent one was Trent Cowie. I was playing with him. Sure. What made you want to stop playing guitar and start a brand new art form? Oh, they cut me. You're not that good. No, it's just I was told different direction. I'm a little. I'm a little rowdy on stage. Like, how are you rowdy? Like very animated. Jump around. It's a show. You bought a ticket, you get a show. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Were you. Were you a good person on the road? Yeah, yeah. I'm clean. I don't have like stinky feet and shit. You don't have what? Stinky feet. Yeah. Okay, that's good. Good to know. No stinky. Sorry, go ahead. No, I was going to say. Did you party too much? No, no. We're drinking like eight years ago. Oh. Oh, my God. Everybody's. Everyone's fucking over today. Jesus Christ. Oh, no. I'm. Mushrooms are heavy again. Like 290 was wild getting here. This is the new thing. Everybody gets sober from everything else. They're like. I'm just blitzed on mushrooms. Like the most extreme. Yeah. Okay. Have you found God? No. Okay. He's looking for you. Mom always made. Do we have another guitar here? Did we bring the second guitar? Here we go. We got to see this guy play guitar. Because I'm pretty sure that's your calling, Ryan. You can't let these other people scare you out of being a musician. You're sure as fuck not a comedian. At least not yet. We'll see what happens with that down the road. But my goodness. Okay, here we are. Name some of the bands you've been in. Again, no names. It's just for other people. And you kind of jump around, very animated during this person's. These actual. The artists that people are there to see. I could see why that would. I could see. Do you have something like an original, kind of a riff that you like to play that won't get us flagged on YouTube. He's calling the play right now, ladies and gentlemen. It's a flat D key of 7. It's more Indian people showing up here. He is living his dream, playing his own show, not for another person. You're cut again. Oh. Hit like a thing. You're playing like a chord. Do something crazy. Oh, he's feeling himself, folks. The band is kicking in behind him, totally making him sound great. Proving once again, they are the best damn band in the land. I wish you would step back from that list, my friend. All right, that's enough. Shut the up. Stop it. All right, Ryan, that was fun. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Did you have fun here tonight, Ryan? Yeah, man. What's another crazy thing about your childhood or your life that would surprise us before I let you go? I used to be a child model for a Jewish department store called Wieners. What was it called? Wieners. Wieners. Yeah. There was a Jewish department store called Wieners? Yeah, back in the 90s in Houston. It was like a dealer's JC penny, but it was called Wieners. And I was a child model for him all through the 90s. Wow. Yeah. Mom used to pimp me out. Did you ever get molested? Nah, I fucking swerved that one. Okay. It was close. Don't ask, don't tell, baby. You know, I. I don't know. There he goes. Ryan Igler. Fun times, Ryan. Keep doing it for a while. Sign up again. There he is. Ryan Engler, everybody. All right. It's one of those moments. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage what some people consider a legend of Kill Tony. What some people consider one of their least favorite characters in the history of the show. You either love them or you hate him. This is the very polarizing style of Uncle Laser, everyone. Oh, he's chugging a beer. Always the showman taking his time. The squawking American eagle. One more time for Uncle Lazer, everyone. Check out on your friends this summer. Kiss them on the mouth, tell them you love them. Listen, I'm friends with a lot of coloreds. Blacks. We got any blacks in here tonight? Oh, hell, yeah. They set y' all up front. That's progressive. Hell, yeah. Listen, I'm not a regular white. My black friends, they call me N word. They're all like, hey, Uncle Leslie, you're a real ass motherfucking. And as a white man, when a black man calls you that, it's special. It's like when your dad pats you on the Butt and says, good game, son. But, boy, they don't like it when you say it back to them. I'm playing spades the other day at my homie's house, and they're just. It's a black person game you wouldn't know anything about. We're playing spades back and forth, right? I'm cutting these up like, yo, you a real ass. And I'm like, I started walking with a limp, you know? And they done said it about 20 times. I said, man, y' all said, enough. Y' all think. Y' all think I can say it back? And they go, fuck you, white boy. You can't say that. I said, well, it sound like music's getting a little too loud at this party, okay? And they said, you can see yourself out. And as I walked out outside, I did the whitest thing of my life. I called the law and I said, hey, these are playing that music too loud. My name is uncle Azer. Y' all are great. Uncle Laser. My favorite part of that set was when the black person in the back of the room clapped and you said, wow, they sat you in the front. How progressive. Even though they're in the back. Look, dude, I'm equal opportunity, the diversity hire. Hey, I'm be honest with you. You reading that erotica shit. I didn't even have to take sound. I'm hard as a rock right now. That shit he's doing earlier, Son of a gun, what a treat that was. He was good. It is exciting. Flirtatious. Texts are exciting. What. What's some of the crazy shit we would find in your phone if we went through it? If you'll read it. If you'll read it. Well, my girlfriend Gina. You know Gina, of course. Doctor from Buffalo. Yeah. What kind of doctor is she again? Pediatric. Yep. Perfect. She's actually. She's actually right there. She's right up there. I believe that means she works on children's feet. Your girlfriend's padai. A pediatrist. A patriarch. Yep. Perfect. That's like how Harley Quinn fell in love with the joker. But I was sleeping the other night at my brother's house. We was out there, and she took my phone, she pissed off at me, and she showed my face on my phone while I slept, and she saw. She saw a lot. So. Yeah, you know, we don't. Yeah, I'm a. I'm a. I'm gonna give us a ballpark of what she saw. I mean, she already. Everything, Tony. Like, what? What's everything? Me. Other girls like on camera and tell us more. Describe the situation, Laser. Well, it ain't good, Tony. No, she just. She saw some and she all got all pissed off. But we love each other, so we're still together. She's like, look, we'll go to counseling. I'm like, I don't want to go to counseling. So are you going to go to counseling? Going to counseling. When are you going to counseling? You know, is it scheduled yet? Soon. Yeah. Hey, but you want to know. Hey, real quick. This for Ari Maddox. Look, you got a bunch of cripples and retards. Are you changing the subject right now? Well, she's right there, Tony. God damn it. This is good goddamn energy entertainment. All right? Something that can only happen on Kill, Tony. The fact that she's right there makes it this is a once. And bring her ass down here, titties and all. Well, I mean, I wasn't gonna do that. Then I'd be putting you on the spot. That's why, doctor. And she'll get fired, right? From the optometrist? Yes. Laser did the. One of the craziest things I've ever seen a human being do. Upstairs. Yeah, me, Ari and Laser went into the bathroom at the same time. We all to pee. I went in the stall to pee. Ari's at the urinal. Laser just hung on the wall of the urinal and talked to Ari for the duration of him peeing and then just left the bathroom. Didn't pee. Just talked to Ari over his shoulder and forgot he had to pee and then just left. It was insane. That is the actions of an everlasting cocaine addict if I've ever seen one. Just making sure you guys are urinating like he's some kind of probation officer or something like that. I mean, you're just using the bathroom for what it's actually for. I'll get out of here. What are you guys just urinating and washing your hands, you boring boys? Now let's have some fun. Come on. Let me see that dick, boy. You know? No, but I, I, I, I told him. I said, hey, man, I got someone to say in this interview. We know the same person. And she found it in the phone too. She hates her, but. So look, there's a girl that I know. There's a girl that I know that knows Ari, that loves Ari, all right? And I guess Ari curved her. And this girl's used to get in her. What does that mean? Curve like I don't know that either. What's her Sent him a. A nude Picture. And he just thumbs up it. Now, listen here, Tony. Let me tell you something about stardom. You got it too, Red. Ben.it too. Joe's got it to him. Ours. Got to listen. We get all the time. All right, but listen. If a beautiful woman sends me a hot, sexy, naked picture, I'm not going to. Thumbs up. Say, what kind of are you getting on the road? Oh, son, you're next level. That's. That's. That's Stony Assassin. I know who he is. I seen his dick in the bathroom. That's a saying in Ari's country. The man that thumbs up the. It's a man of that. Two thumbs up. You know what I'm talking about now? No. Good. There's a few pictures. I just. Thumbs up. That's it. I didn't say anything. Look, I. She just was crying the whole night. I solar. Your girlfriend? Not mine, the other girl. Just a girl that I knew. Okay. Anyway. Laser, is your girlfriend still mad at you? Yeah, but she's here. What do you do in a situation like that to make up for it? You're a very romantic guy. What do you do in a situation? A girl finds her phone, she unlocks it with your face. How do you start the healing process? Teach these American boys out there what the squawking eagle Uncle Laser does to get out of the doghouse. You worked in oil fields. You know what you're doing. Explain to the children. Explain. So I started taking testosterone. That is a terrible idea. But look, that makes you really horny, right? Like a stiff, stiff breeze. I will put my dick in an electrical socket. That'll solve the problem. Keep going. I'm only good at a couple things, Tony. Taking drugs and coming quick. One of them. Two of them. Look, I'm go. Look, I just like. I'm going to therapy. Now. Here's the question. Let me remind you. A guy like you gets in the doghouse, right? You're on testosterone. Girlfriend's mad at you. What do you do? What's. Tony? I grab her by the throat, I pick her up and I put her through the drywall. And I said, listen there. I'm going to be a star, baby. Either get on this gravy train right now, now. Or we can leave you on the corner with the man with the thumbs up. Okay, again, you're. You watch too much pro wrestling growing up. That's domestic violence. I'm asking you a genuinely real, genuine question. Yes. All right. Camera. Look, baby, I'm not some regular 9 to 5. I'm living a different type of life. But look at me, Tony. I said, look, here's flowers. Answer the question. I said, look, girl, I love you. There's no one else I want to be with. I'm on some. I'm a retard. I said, but at the end of the day. At the end of the fucking day, it ain't who you want to spend Saturday night with. It's who you want to get Sunday brunch with. See, that's what I was looking for. You could have said that two and a half minutes ago, and it would have been great at me for talking too much. I love it. Great. I'll see you again in another four months. Thank you. Okay. Laser Times. Good stuff, Great stuff. Charismatic, likable Uncle Laser. Ari, Matty has to go pee. And to go text girls whose pictures he thumbs up, cleaning up mess. He's on damage control right now. I had to pee, too, and he took it from me. You want to go pee? Oh, wait, it's over. We guys go pee together, and Uncle Laser can watch again. Okay. Go ahead. It's all right. Your next comedian goes by the the name of J.P. hinsdale, everybody. J.P. hinsdale. Oh, we know J.P. yeah, we put J.P. up in an arena once before. Make some noise. One more time for JP Hinsdale. Hey. Wow. Okay. I was in Galveston recently. Yeah. I went to the Gulf of America. I tried. Okay. I took 12 grams of mushrooms, and I stared out at the ocean. It was still brown. Dalvin came by and blew 10w30 out of her blowhole. Okay. Guess not. Oh, no. I watch the news a lot. I'm trying to look for the positive in everything, you know, it's cool. Like, I found out that, like, ICE is trying to be more progressive in their hiring practices. Have you guys heard about this? Yeah. There's a. ICE has this new program, 30. 30 for 30. They want 30% women officers by 20. 30. Oh, yeah. Way to go, ladies. You broke the glass ceiling. Okay. All right, J.P. sorry. That. That didn't go well. It didn't. You're right. Yeah. That's interesting. The time. What? I misgau. The time. Sorry. No, it's okay. It had nothing to do with the time, really. Fair enough. It was okay. It was an awkward start. Awkward ending. You had a. You had a thing. There's been a. Also a very mushroom heavy set. Yeah. I mean, night. Yeah. And so, you know, that wasn't in your favor. No. So, J.P. how's life, buddy? Look at me killing it. Yeah. Literally. Very rarely did one of the horn players turn on a bucket pole, but okay. All right. Jp. Yeah. You're a very likable character. You've done good every other time you've ever been on this show. What do you think truly went wrong tonight? Couple newer jokes. Kind of having a little bit of a panic attack. I'm wet. Yep. It was raining earlier. There was, like, a better joke inside your Gulf of America joke. Yeah, it's a longer joke. It's. It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be. But it should be shorter. Shorter. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I think it's something like. I don't know. There's something like they changed it from Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America, but I think it should be called the Gulf of Mexico because it is brown. Oh, okay. See, if you said it with your charming style, I kind of wanted to try it. Do it. Do it just like that. Give them the right lighting. Kino. Do it. I want to see if it works. They already know it, which makes it impossible. I think you could sell it. So went down to the Gulf of America. Now that we took it back. Yeah. Yeah. Used to be the Gulf of Mexico. I think we should call it the Gulf of Mexico again. It's really brown. You were right. Yeah. You are the king. And if they didn't know it what the punchline was coming, that would rip. Yeah. Like a fart from you. Thank you. In the middle of the night. You fart a lot. I bet you fart. You're like a hot air balloon. Not like an abnormal amount. Normal amount. Yeah. I mean, I'm not extra flatuate, really, you know, but I. You know, it's weird how that works. Yeah. I know. You would expect, like, that's a bigger chamber. Yeah. But I'm pretty buoyant, so it's like it all works out in a wash. Do you float? I float. You ever float in the river here? Oh, yeah. You like it? Oh, yeah. You float? Oh, yeah. Like an ice cube. Yeah. Like, you guys have me on the land, but I have you in the sea. Okay. Yeah. We're cooking. Yeah. All right. If you could compare yourself to any sea animal, what sea animal do you think you're most like? J.P. hinsdale. Manatee. Now, why did you pick manatee there? Cause I'm friendly, and I keep getting damaged by motorboats. Still got it. Got it. Still got it, jp. It's in there. It's right there on the surface. Well, you've been doing for fun, jp. For fun. Yep. Other than Mass amounts of mushrooms, everybody. Tonight, it's like I'm perform. It's like we're doing a kill. Tony. Live from a rehab facility. I only do it every two weeks. Like it's a. I. I can't take antidepressants and mood stabilizers and all the other things. You take all that stuff. I can't. You can't? No. Okay. Correct. And the. I. I take 2 to 6 grams of mushrooms every two weeks and it kind of. It makes the gloomies go away. Perfect. Yeah. And you eat a lot. Not really. I'm just. I've been fat for a while. This was. This is not like. This is. This is an accumulation of a lifetime of sadness. This isn't a merit. This isn't a sprint to the finish like at a buffet. Why are you sad? We want to do this. No, I do not want to do this. No, no, no, no. You don't need this kind of darkness, Joe. No. I've got enough in me already. Yeah. Yeah. I can see it in your eyes. Thank you. Yeah. The mushrooms make the gloomies go away every two weeks. Yeah. It's kind of the only system that I've figured out that works. But why do you not. Why are you against the antidepressants and stuff? It's not that I'm against them. I have. I have. You're like, I just can't get them on a pizza. No, I have. Yeah. Yeah. Papa John's let me down. No, I have traumatic brain injuries. It affects how the medication hits me. You have what? Injuries. Traumatic brain injuries. From what? I've died twice and I got hit in the head a lot as a kid. So. When did you. How did you die? Twice. First time, my mom did it. Okay, keep going. How did she do that? Well, like, she. I didn't know because it happened when I was three. But she kept telling people that I jumped off the couch playing Superman and hit my head against the marble table. And then I died when the ambulance got there. But it turns out I had night terrors and she didn't know what they were and she wanted me to shut the fuck up. So what did she. She hit your head on against the table? Do you know she grabbed you and hit your head against the table? Yeah. Yeah. I am the boy who lived. That's what's known as a late term abortion. Yeah, she chickened out of the end. She called 911. I give her a lot of shit for it now. You still talk to her? Yeah. That ain't even the worst thing she's ever done. What was the worst thing she's ever done? I don't know. Yeah. What was it? It's not. It's. It's there. I'm still working that through therapy right now. Okay. It's complicated. Let's avoid that. Let's talk about. I. I have a joke about it, but I don't. I'm okay with part of it, but it's like, you know, not every room likes this joke. Now we want to hear. Yeah. Yeah. All right. You asked for it, people. No. No. She says no. I don't want. No one gives a shit what that wants. Keep going, jp. All right, so I was groomed and molested from the age of 5 to the age of 15, which is a weird way of saying I peaked in high school. That's a great joke. Who the fuck. Now I have to get molested on my personality, and I have way too many strong opinions about Star Trek for that to happen. That's a funny joke. Was this a stepdad or what was it? No, it was my mom's high school boyfriend. Wow. Yeah. She thought by him bonding with me, she'd get him back. It didn't work out. Oh, my God. I was more his type. Wow. Honestly, the relationship lasted longer, too. I don't know. Maybe I'm a better person. Five to 15 is a long time. I know. Wow. Yeah. And it was like, all right, how'd you die the second time? Oh, I. I snorted what I thought was cocaine. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. What was it? Fentanyl. Wow. When was this? Three years ago. Three years ago? Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. And they brought you back using Narcan? Yeah. If it was a real come to Jesus moment and he did not like me ODing on his couch. Wow. Do you remember anything from that? Do you remember what it's like any of those times being dead? Do you remember seeing anything? A bright light? Were you in heaven? Was there snacks everywhere? I remember a. Were you in hell? A hot yoga studio. It was Jazzercise. It's amazing. You're so funny on your feet tonight, jp. Yeah. And that set, it's just a testament. You got to be careful. This goes for all comedians, right, doing open mics. You can attest to this. You do so many shows, and you're kind of, like, off of open mics now because you're getting booked everywhere. But there's something so dangerous about doing open mics because, A, the comedians kind of don't want you to succeed, and B, the audience because they're at an open mic are fucking retards. They're retarded. They're at the, what, the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th best show in the city on any given night. So it gets tricky. You have to go with what you think is funny. And all the answers you gave tonight about real, actual questions and things in your life, even though you thought some of them won't work and that you shouldn't do it all crushed. Everything that you think is correct and working works when you leave it to open mic audiences to decide. Open mics are good for working out mic technique and volume and pacing and changing and placement of things. But it's not always to completely the end all, be all decision maker of what's funny and what's not. And you were hilarious tonight. On your feet during the interview and light on your feet, which is not easy to do when you're £620, Joe DeRosa. And I mean this dude. I mean, this dude. You're a funny fucking dude, man. You bring a lot of joy to a lot of people. You have light in your fucking heart. You got light in your soul. I know you're battling some past demons. I know it's rough. But I'm gonna tell you what Jim Jeffries said to me when I was at your spot in the game and I was struggling with mental shit, he was like, brother, reach out to me any fucking time and I'll talk to you about that shit. I'm saying that to you right now. You fucking reach out to me any fucking time you need, dude. Because I'm telling you, dude, you can't fight the fight on your own. Lean on somebody, man. I mean it, dude. I mean it. Don't let that dark shit suppress your light, man. You got a gift. And one more exciting thing, jp. Normally we give away spots. We've given away jobs on this show before. This is the first time ever that this has happened, jp, Your mom and you mending that relationship. It's unbelievable to me to find out that you had a mom who at least back then, was so out of it and didn't get you that tonight, for the first time ever, right now, I'm giving you a new mom. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joy Hinchcliffe. Everybody. Kill Tony Legend. Give him a hug. JP Hinsdale, stupid bottle of water. Go give him a hug. Go give him a hug. JP Hinsdale, the bottle of water. She needs to stay hydrated while making an appearance on stage. You are now. I hereby bestow you JP Hinchcliffe. Welcome to the family, JP thanks, brother. My mom will literally talk to you anytime you need a mom to talk to. She's 78 and bored out of her mind, and I'm way too successful and fun to talk to her now. You can talk to her. She's free literally every hour of of the day. There she goes. Joy Hinchcliffe, everybody. 78, my mom visiting from Youngstown, Ohio. Okay, there you go. Get off the stage now. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Can I just say that I'm blessed to have Tony as my son? Let the record show that's gayer than anything I've ever done before. My mom is gay too. My mom's gay now. You know where I get it from? I have a gay mom. But seriously, I'll give you her info after this. You guys are gonna be. She's hilarious. You guys are gonna be friends. That's your new mom. New mom, J.P. hinsdale. Big joke book. There you go. Boom. Right in the bread basket. The first ever comedian to win a new moment. There she goes. Get back to your seat, you little fucking show stealer. Really milking it. Really, really likes the spotlight. She's used to it. Only mom on the show's history to do a set, an appearance on panel and now be bestowed upon a new comedian. Ari. Matty's about to do a joke about how he wants to fuck my mom. Go ahead, do it. Strike me down. Kill your master. I mean, how long is she in town? She's the Gemini. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Zach Black. This looks like a new name, Zach Black. Here he is. One more time for Zach Black, everybody. Hell yeah. I went to Home Depot today to pick up a lawnmower. Man. It's gonna be a shame when Trump sends them back. Over the next four years, price of eggs might go down, but the price of lawn care is going way up. I'll tell you, if you're ever shopping for an immigrant, get there early. I got there late last week. The good ones go quick. There was only one left in stock, One Guatemalan standing there with a paintbrush and a rake. I'll come back. Texas is great for everybody, although it is still a little segregated by city. Dallas is for white people. Houston's for black people. San Antonio's for Mexicans, and Austin's for. And if you're half black and half white, Corpus Christi. If you're half white and half Mexican, El Paso. But if you're half black and half a, I'm sorry you have to leave Texas and go back to Atlanta. Zack Black. Good stuff. Zach. What up, Tony? How are you, buddy? How long you been on stand up again? Seven years. Right, seven years. A lot of that in la, right? No, from Buffalo, New York. Buffalo. I've told you that before, but I'm actually from a very small town outside of Buffalo. Edge of a cornfield type shit. I just say Buffalo here. Okay. When did I meet you here? Yep. At Vulcan. Yeah, I worked here for like a year and a half. That's right. Right. Yeah. But then I don't. I just wasn't paying the bills, so I got a real job again. What's your real job? Well, I quit here to work construction, but then I got fired for an Instagram reel. So I made a fake bartending resume two months ago, and now I bartend. Love it. What was the. What was the reel that got you in trouble? It was just a selfie video. I was just talking about. I work with, you know, Mexicans, and I learned a lot of Spanish, and I said that punta madre means project manager. There it is. And they fired me. They fired me, and then they asked me to take down the reel. I was like, well, you did that in the wrong order. Yeah, that's very true. They did. Was it worth it? Yeah. Where was it that you got fired? Bathroom. No, that was a construction job. Apartment complex up in North Austin. Okay. Was it worth making the reel? Kind of. I was really happy because it was like, my first successful reel and, like, two weeks of the great. And then fired. So, yeah, it was kind of worth it. I guess they just stumbled across it or did you show a co workers. They saw it organically. Dude saw it on his algorithm. The owner of the company. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, all your co workers have been liking this reel of yours, sharing it around town. We looked him up and, yeah, I never met him before. What's it like? Explain to the people what it's like lying on your resume that you're a bartender and then all of a sudden being thrown to the wolves at an actual bartending shift at an actual bar. Is the bar busy? I'm sure it's not that busy. Oh, okay. It was, like, the only one that would hire me. I went to a bunch of job interviews, and they were like, what's in a martini? And I was like, I have no fucking clue. You said that? I tried to lie. I was like, gin. That type of thing. And they were like, it's not gonna work. But then this bar, they didn't ask that many questions. And that's how every bartender gets job, by the way. Yes. You lie. Yeah, you have. That's how I got every job in my life. I lie. Yeah. It's going all right. At the beginning. It's been like two months at the beginning. They would, like, order, I don't know, a Manhattan, and I'd be like, yeah, no problem. And I would Google it real quick. And now I'm good. Yeah, why not? Yeah. Okay. What do you do for fun, Zach Black. What would surprise us about your life? The last guy is a morbidly obese, adorable baby boy that got molested from 5 to 15. Try to compete with that. I will try to compete with that. I never talk about this, and most of my friends have no idea, but I actually don't have a right shoulder because of a football injury. No right deltoid since I was 15 years old. What, and nobody notices? You can't really tell, but I think about it about every 30 seconds every day of my life. Does it hurt? It's kind of numb. It doesn't really hurt. I could kind of see it now that you. Is it shoulder pad? No, no, just a baggy shoulder. Yeah, that is a bitch ass shoulder. Yeah. I mean, I can say as a man with no shoulders, you got off easy. Joe Dro's all neck. All right, take it easy, Jack. I was trying to bond with you, you fucking cunt. Yeah, I never really thought of a way to make it funny. I think about writing a joke about it all the time, and I've been on this show a few times. I never brought it up, but I figured, fuck it. That's what you want to hear about, don't you? No. Shoulder up. Shit. Not that good also. That's why I didn't want to bring it up. This is not that crazy. John Dees wants to see it. Is it. Does it look different? It's just zero muscle. Kind of pull your shirt for a second that way looks like you have a. I can't tell. It's not that bad, though. The last. The last guy had his mom slammed his head against a coffee table when he was kill him. This guy's like a football injury. My shoulder kind of looks different. You can tell. If I had my shirt off, you could tell. Yeah. Can we see it? Let's see it. Oh, Derosa's just drunk enough to want to see it. Look at this guy. Hey, what's up? You pig boy. Hey, why do they keep calling Derosa a pig? Fast forward two hours. Take your shirt off, dude. Wow. An American patriot. We're finding out not only what his shoulders look like, but also who he voted for in the last election. Incredible. The right candidate. Anyway. Yeah. When you escape from the prison in Cape Fear, you can tell what the. Big time. It's like, kind of embarrassing. You can tell. Oh, my God. The liver prince is here, everybody. This guy eats hard boiled eggs during the day. Reed, did you. Were you in the military? No. People asked me that. Just jacked. Yeah, I couldn't go in the military. Not fit for service with the shoulder. And I had heart surgery. Got two metal clamps on my heart. What happened there? What do you have? That was when I was five years old. Just something didn't connect. Blood wasn't getting oxygen. Baboon heart. That's why he's the sound effect guy. Ladies and gentlemen, Baboon heart has entered the chat. That's why he hits buttons for a living. Everyone, for. He said baboon heart. All right, Zach Black, you already have a big jump. Oh, he's gotta pop in his in real quick. I love how he puts. What is that on? But not the shirt. I love that. Is that a Lucy Breaker or a Zen? It's actually a Velo because they're the cheapest. Wow. Zach, why are you so nervous? You're shaking and. But you're a confident dude, man. Like, why are you. Shoulder, man. Serious. I'm not busting your balls. I'm really asking. I don't know. Just a little nervous. I'm just shaking. I'm energy. Not that nervous, but. You got nervous. Been a while. Been a while since I've been on this show. Yep. Great. That's been a while since I have. When do you do back on the set of American History X? Here's a big joke book, buddy. Congratulations. Thank you. There he goes. Zach Black. All right. To end tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery can only write 20 seconds per week. It's very hard for him, so he cannot make it tonight. Ari, Maddie is on panel. David Lucas opened the show, which means there's only one real option to close a show like this. A kill Tony legend, who we haven't seen in months. If you know the lyrics to his introduction song, now is the time to sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Camp. Hey. Glad you had no one else left. Gonna be here. I just got back from Asia. If you couldn't tell thank you. Konnichiwa. Yeah. Just got back from Asia. It's great being in Asia. I can unlock every iPhone on that continent. I love being back in America. Love America. Love having that gun. Now I can get into arguments at the mall. Can't wait till we get rid of Di. Soon Harvard is going to be all Asian. It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore. It's going to be called Chinked In. I met a guy from Lebanon recently. I didn't know that was a place. I thought it was Qanon for lesbians. All right, well, that's my time. Thank you guys very much. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Still got it. Crisp delivery, star power. You look like a absolute dictator. Incredible stage presentation. I mean, absolutely amazing for you to make that yourself and then dry clean it yourself and then wear it yourself. Absolutely amazing. Yeah, this is Joe derosa. Can I correct just one of your jokes? I love it. It's not going to be called LinkedIn anymore. It's going to be called Rington. Rington. I disagree. I say lean into the slur. Ah, well, you speak from experience. Yeah. Right there on that spot on this stage. I said that word. Everybody freak. Now, Hans Kim, tell us what's been going on. I went to Asia with my girlfriend and her three friends. It was a nightmare. Oh, my God. Three girlfriends, three of her friends that I wasn't allowed to have sex with. And then. Right, so it's your girlfriend and three of her girl female friends. Yeah, and me. Right, Yeah, I got that part, Hans. So you, her and three. So it's you plus four. And it's your girlfriend and her friends who clearly your girlfriend's entertaining and hanging out with while just making sure you're not cheating on her. Yeah. Wow. How did that go? Tell us about it. Give us some, like, actual detail, like Sex and the City. I had a great time. We went to Disneyland, we went to Universal, whatever there. You did American shit over there. Yeah. Did you pay for everything? I paid for like 30% of it. Yeah. Yeah. Hans is famously cheap. A little fun fact is that the regulars on this show tend to be very, very, very cheap people. Not Ari, Matty, not David Lucas, but William and Hans, notoriously miser esque. So you paid for 30% of the trip, but you only 25%. And we know that must have been. Yeah, I need like over the pants hand job or something. Yeah. So those girls, they paid for their flights for their hotels and stuff? Stuff. Yeah, I paid for some of the dinners. You know, it's not like they paid for any of the dinners. So, like, I feel like I was a positive contribution, you know? Did you bring that up to your girlfriend at all after you did it? Were you like, hey, I paid for dinner for you and your friends? I mean, then it kind of loses the appeal of the nice thing that I did, but. Yeah, I. I know. That's why I asked you. And I will repeat the question. Let me remind you, it's a yes or no question. Did you mention it to your girlfriend verbally, like, hey, I did pay for dinner for you and your friends? Yes. There you go. Thank you. Just making sure there were. You're like that. 1175 really set me back here in Asia. It's cheap. Oh, off. It's an affordable country, is my point. Continent. I don't know. I'm not here for facts, people. I'm just here to jump in with a zinger here and there. I never said I was well read. Do it. Do a zinger. I got a good zinger. Folks, it's not gonna be called LinkedIn anymore. It's gonna be called Rington. Do you get it, Folks, listen, food is cheap in Asia. How cheap is it? How cheap is it? A dinner for four would only cost you $11.75. So silly. Hans, what else, buddy? You look fantastic. You look like your own mother and grandmother right now. It is incredible. Strong female energies while being a very masculine boy. Steve. Robert. Thank you. Got this from a Chinese market called Teu. Ah, yeah. Just living life. My birthday is coming up soon. May 31st. May 31st. Okay. I won't invite Instagram. How do you celebrate your birthday, Hans? What are you looking forward to doing? I'm having a little pool party, and then I'm having a real party at 9pm Whoa, 9pm that's an exact start time if I've ever heard one. Is it at your place? Yeah. Do. No. What do you. What's going to be at your party? Karaoke. There's a surprise. It's 11:75. If you want, sell us on it. Sell us on this party. Karaoke. There's going to be catan. There's going to be a game of catan going on. You can hop in. Hop? I thought you meant Chris Catan, the old SNL star. Perhaps you remember. What was it? Not Goat Man. Yeah, he ate, like, the mango. Mango. Mango. Yeah. All right. I'm pretty sure we're all wasted. We should end the show. Hans Kim, any closing words? I love you guys. Please be safe and have a great night. Wow. Hans Kim, catch him all over the world on the killers of Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden the night before the Madison Square Garden Kill Tony with our how about another hand for re Maddie, everybody? Ari Maddie will be at Madison Square Garden the night before MSG Joe DeRosa's new special comes out on YouTube at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. Correct. July 21st. He's going to be at Zany's in Nashville July 27th and 28th. Or is that June? June 27th and 28th. Ari Maddie is a superstar here on Kill Tony. Joe to Rose is on tour. Jotarosa comedy.com Is that the right website? Jodorosa.com Also check out Joey Rose's. One of the best sandwich shops anywhere is in New York City. Thank you to shopify, nicked and open phone for this episode. Red Band. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.