Tony Hinchcliffe (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last baby whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight O' er the ramparts we watch were so gallantly straight and the rock gets red glare the bombs burn stinging air Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there or say does that star spangle thunder yet away o' er the land of the free and the hope all of the cactus closure. I love you guys. It's this is Red bank coming to you live from the Bridgestone arena here in Nashville, Tennessee for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchler. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yay and yee. We are live in Nashville, Tennessee. Make some goddamn noise for Brian Redb. And how about one more time for the undeniable. Winona Judd. Keep it going for the best zenman in the land. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa. Big Mike. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Muling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And that is indeed D madness. Live in the flesh. Bruce Tonarito. Woo. Saturday's a little bit louder than Friday. I like this chat. That's what the fuck I am talking about. We are inside some energy tonight, Nashville, Tennessee. We're out here dodging tornadoes. I don't think there's anything that could stop us in the world. 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The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp bank and a pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated Card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted. Venmo purchase restrictions apply at New Balance. We believe if you run, you're a runner, however you choose to do it. Because when you're not worried about doing things the right way, you're free to discover your way. And that's what running is all about. Run your way@newbalance.com running. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to introduce two guests. First guest that I'm going to introduce is, believe it or not, one of the newer guests in the history of the show. This former comedian, he retired. He was doing it for a couple decades and he retired. And now he's trying to come back, make a name for himself. And so far, as a guest on the show, he's done a pretty good job. This is the arena debut and the return of one of our new favorite guests. Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Oh, wait a second. It seems like they really like this guy. He's got a lot of energy tonight. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa. Hey. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Tony Caruso is back. Oh, my God. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, my God. He is 82 years old and moves a lot. Oh, he's dying, folks. Oh, okay. Come on over here. Tony moves a lot like Dr. Phil. He's a wild boy. Nashville, we tried to get up tonight or what? We're trying to get up. Who's trying to get up tonight? I got a question for you. Who's got two thumbs and may or may not have a hooker in his room with the Marriott right now? This guy Tony is here. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, my goodness. Can you believe Those knees? Those 82 year old knees feel good. It's all right. Save it, save it. Ladies and gentlemen, your other guest, Another literally, truly one of the best comedians in the world. I love this guy. You guys are in the eye of the storm tonight as I bring up literally a second time Guest. One of my favorite guests in the history, history of the show, one of my favorite comedians, and one of the world's favorite comedians makes some goddamn noise for the one and only Matt Rice. Oh, yeah, B. We are doing this tonight. We are living the kill Tony life with Tony Caruso and Matt Wright on a Saturday night in Nashville, Tennessee. Let's go. What's up, Nashville? We are starting the show differently than normal tonight because I like to try different things and excite experiment, as you know from my sex life. So we are going to start tonight's show with a bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. We're taking a chance here. Normally, I like to start it with something steady. I have this show designed to kind of fucking blow up as it goes. So does that sound exciting at all? How many of you think the best bucket pool of the night's gonna be from Nashville? How many you think it's going to be from Atlanta? Oh, la la felt racist. I love it. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on the show? Oh, my God, you guys are ruthless. Absolutely ruthless. Let me remind you all how it works. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. We meet them all at the same time. I can almost guaran fucking te you that this is every bucket pulled first time performing in an arena. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Bucket pool number one. That is indeed from Austin, Texas, the one and only Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Jesus fucking Christ almighty. I believe in God and I think it exists within those ass cheeks. Who loves America, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night representing getting the episode started. Make some noise. We're gonna meet them all together. Cassandra Ramos is first. And here we go. It has beg. Sorry, I'm nervous. So I was talking to my cousin last week, and I was asking him, you know, do you have any advice coming from a man's perspective how I can keep things a little spicy in the bedroom? And he said, you know, I like white bitches. We got that in common. I was like, okay. So he said, what I like to do to keep it spicy is I like to introduce some racial slurs. So he's like, go ahead and call me, you know, and he comes in and she says, ooh, give me that N word, dick. So I was like, I'll try that. I offered it up to my husband, and he said, great, let's do honky. If you don't know what that means, it's like back in the 1920s, a white man would drive through and honk his horn at the black prostitute. So he comes in the bedroom. Now. Give me that nigger pussy. Thank you. Exactly one minute from Cassandra Ramos. Hello, Cassandra. I'm so nervous. It's my first time on stage ever. Ever. Your first time on stage is going up first in an arena hol? That is amazing. I figured you've been on stage before since you look like you'd play Cinderella in a new Disney reboot. I was in a band called N word in middle school. Like that. Love that. I love it. So this is your first time doing standup? We. We own a. A food truck and a. A business in Columbia, 45 minutes from here. Uhhuh. And it' thank you. It's like a indoor mall, and we put on, like, a local. When you say we, you mean. My husband and I. He. He helped coordinate a community, a comedy show. Right. So. But I mean, I. And he's a white guy. Yeah, he's white. What kind of food truck is it? Slothful Waffle. It's waffles. Yeah, Just straight up regular waffles. We've got slothy Cristos. It's like, you know, Monte Cristo. It's really good, all handmade. We make all our sauces ourselves. Oh, yeah? What's it called? I'm sorry, what's it called? Slothful Waffle. He's. He's wearing the shirt right now. He signed up, too. Well, okay. Slothful Waffle. I love it. What made you want to do this tonight? We like to roast each other, and we watch your show every week. So I was like, yeah, I'll sign up. Wow. I'm not going to get picked. Well, there you go. It happened. Yeah. First one. How old are you? I'm 28. 28. How long have you been married? For a year. And where'd you meet him? At Palm Springs. California. Yeah, but what were you doing in Palm Springs? We worked, like, the street fairer. He had the business out there, and I was working at a booth, and we met there. He was doing the waffle thing. And what booth were you working at? I was working at a coffee booth. A coffee booth? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I could see that. Coffee and waffles. Sounds like a good name for an interracial couple. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. What's some of the. What's some of the most racist shit that he'll say to you? A bit. Good question. Really? Use the hard arm. Only half black, so it's, you know, mega. Not. What's the other half? Ecuadorian. Ecuadorian. I think that still counts. Yeah. I think that's black in most states. No. Ever been to Temecula, California? It's black. Ecuadorian? Could be. It sounds like the first name of a black guy. Right. Alabama University. Ecuadorian. Jenkins. Touchdown. Ecuadorian. Clink scale. I love it. What, do your. Your parents still together? No, no. I have a stepdad since I was 12. They're together, so. Mom's Ecuadorian. My mom's black. Oh, the. The black one stayed. Wow. Do you ever talk to your Ecuadorian dad? Do I talk to my Ecuadorian dad? Not really. He's a loser. What's your stepdad? White. Okay. Hell, yeah. So he's around. Very supportive. It's such a trope. All the white people on this stage don't have two white parents together that were part of our childhood, so it's all jokes. Anyway, who do people say you look like if they stop you on the street? Chili from tlc, I think. Oh, okay. I don't want no scrub, Scrub. Yeah, we know TLC pretty good. He was looking at me like, was confused a little. Well, Tony Caruso didn't listen to a lot of. Yeah, Billy be. When? During TLC's reign? No, I was more. Who's the member of TLC that got murdered at the Cheesecake? Lisa. Left Eye Lopez. Well, no. Yeah. Wait, no. She died in a car accident. A plane crash. Yeah. It doesn't matter, but it's a no. What? But it's a. You ever get, like, make. There's a white racist lady that's thinking of Aaliyah yelling plane crash repeatedly from the crowd. You're getting Left Eye Lopez and Aaliyah confused. Take it from me. Hip hop entrepreneur Tony Hinchcliffe in Nashville. I'm one of the most knowledgeable rap minds in the world. Only in Nashville. Anyway, what kind of music do you listen to? I listen to a lot of rock. I like tool disturbance, served corn. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of having a white stepfather. All the white stepfathers in the crowd are going crazy right now. Yeah. I'm gonna tell you what. I love your energy. Jeff, something you want to say? Yeah. I was gonna ask, do you guys ever To Cut my life into pieces. All types of music. Is that. Is that O.J. simpson song? Cut My Wife into pieces. Too soon, Matt. Is it. No, it's too late. Do you always dress like you've been fingered in a Spencer's? Do you? It works. It's a good look. It's a good look. I got a lot of kids, so only when I go out. Yeah. You look stunning. Thank you. You look wonderful. Don't murder me, husband. Very rarely does a first time performer get a big joke book. But I love your energy, I love your charisma. I love everything about you. Great interview. Awesome. Cassandra Ram has started tonight's show with an adorable little bag. First time ever. All right, your next bucket poll is bucket poll number two. Let's see what happens here as I bring up the comedian known simply as BC BC. Oh, there's the lovely Val with indeed Bucket poll number two. Y' all ever look at fat people and start feeling bad for they shoes? Nah. Cause they always wear a up pair of New Balances. Leg kind of looks like you got a flat tire. Foot's hanging over the sole like a muffin top. I call them bitches off balances. Now we all see him waddling around looking like the Michelin Man. And look, I love fat people. One of my best friends is fat, but he pissed me the fuck off the other day because he was wearing. No, he wasn't wearing nothing. He was fucking getting out of his car and he kicked a bottle of Hershey syrup truck out of his car. And I'm like, bro, are you making chocolate milk in your car in this wet. Oh, God damn y' all, bro. No, I had the right to make fun of. All right, shut the up. BC over here. Got you. Tony. Hello, how are you? Relax. Take a step over there. Get back on the KT over here. No, Tony. Tony, it's okay. Jesus. We need a fucking seatbelt for Tony Caruso over here. Hello. How are you? I'm doing okay, Tony. How are you doing? I love it. Very good. I think it's absolutely adorable. You look like a Down syndrome Logan. Paul, this is incredible. Look at you. You look like both the pedophile and the undercover cop that's going to arrest him. Are you Adam Ray right now? Dude, no. Are you bombing in front of 20,000 people? Hold up. I don't have a wig on, but somehow it looks like you do. You look like you're wearing one of those wacky raccoon hats. Get more over there. I don't know why you keep Coming up on us like that. Jesus Christ. Very good. Don't talk so much. Only speak when spoken to. How long you been attempting stand up comedy? Three years. Three years? Where at? Atlanta, Louisiana. Atlanta? Atlanta. Yes, sir. Okay, all right. Okay. You guys don't like Atlanta. All right, we get it. You could. We got it, guys. Weird. Weird. Nashville is one of the greatest cities in the world, by the way. Let me tell you something. Take it from me. You guys are too great of a city to boo cities like Atlanta. You shouldn't even be concerned with them. I get it. I would expect them to boo you, but I'm surprised that you boo them. Better cities are supposed to just be cool with other cities. You guys are good enough. I'll give you the encouragement that your parents didn't. You guys are good. I don't think they are. Oh, God, you're disgusting. It looks like your eyes are getting closer together as the interview goes on. He's slowly turning into a cyclops, ladies and gentlemen. Look out at that red light in the camera. Look. You see that camera? So rude. No, keep looking at the camera. Stop looking at us. I don't want you to look at us anymore. His bangs are growing and his eyes are getting closer together and he just. This is absolutely a moment in Kill Tony history. Stop looking at us. I'm. I'm looking at you now. Stop looking at us. Look out at the camera. Camera. I'm gonna end the interview then. You stupid. Look at the camera. There you go, right there. If you look at us again, I'm kicking you off this stage. You're mean. Just keep. Yep. Welcome. You signed up for it. If you know somebody with a weird neck tattoo and a tattoo on his knuckle and his eyes are too close together, call the number below 1-800-it-S down syndrome. Patrick Sway. Wow. Okay. Red band. Throwing in the second down syndrome joke on the same human. That's almost a record. Not red band. Yeah. Nobody likes you. I know. Bc. Let's talk about it. What do you do for work? I'm a set builder. A what? A set builder. What kind of sets are you building? Mainly commercials. Like, I. I've been working for Home Depot commercials the past like. Like month and a half. What's the most white trash thing about you, other than your smile? I smoked crack, Tony. That's. Do you really? I used to. Five years clean. No, no. Buzz kill, buzz kill, buzz kill. Crack is fun. All right. Well, more likable. There's something likable about him. I don't know what it is you are saying he is likable. I wouldn't say I'd let him open for me by my hotel room, but he's, you know, I, I wow. There's something about you that I don't, I want to. I don't know, you seem like you got some secrets. Aside from I did your breaks before? Was it I did your breaks. What do you mean you did? Are you retarded? What do you mean you did my breaks on your car? You fixed my brakes? Yeah, I ride a bird scooter. Quit lying to the crowd. Bp Before I let you go, anything interesting about your life other than the fact that you used to smoke crack? I lived in Hawaii for a while. Here you go. Here's a little joke book. Hey, I called it. We're gonna keep it moving. Bp Ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want, like that dream house or ride, is a great feeling. That's why the State Farm personal price plan can help you save when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state. If you went on a road trip and you didn't stop for a Big Mac or drop a crispy fry between the car seats or use your McDonald's bag as a placemat, then that wasn't a road trip. It was just a really long drive. Bottom up at participating McDonald's. There we are. Right on cue. Bucket pool number three, indeed. We're doing something different here tonight. You guys like bucket pools? Well, here's the third one right down the barrel. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Jonathan Rachels. Jonathan Rachels. You know, it's kind of hard to gain people's respect when you look like Ari. Matty fucked MGK for his green card. But I was outside and this old guy stared at me. And I was thinking, this could go two ways. He walks up to me, puts out his hand. He says, man, I thought you were one of them gays. And so I grabbed his hand and I pulled him real, real close. And I said, I am one of them gays. Everybody thinks code switching is cool until you get around a group of gay people, and then it's not so cool anymore. And that's my time. Thank you, guys. Yeah. Jonathan Rachels welcome to the show, Jonathan. Hell yeah, I love it. Yeah, I forgot everything they told me to do backstage, so. My bad. I don't even know what that means. Okay, thank you. You mean like stay in one spot for the interview? What did they telling you? I forgot I said that. Right, but can you remember now? Is there any recollection? What are we telling people before they come on stage? What do we tell them? This is your show. You're supposed to know that. No, I'm not supposed to know that. You're supposed to know that, you hillbilly methed up piece of. Telling you these goddamn bucket pools are coming up with a attitude tonight. And you better kiss the throat. Bend the knee to your king. Pieces of goddamn. You're supposed to know what the bucket fools out to do. You're supposed to be a bucket full piece of. I'm gonna send you in BC to go do shitty karaoke on Broadway tonight. I sing a mean I write since not tragedies. All right, let's have some fun here. What do you do for work? What? Head shop do you sell skateboard boards at? Exactly. Hot Topic. Do you really for real? No, I do H Vac, yes, sir. Okay. Hell yeah, H Vac. That makes sense because you suck. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. How long you been doing stand up? This is my first time ever doing stand up comedy. Jesus Christ. Two people debuting in an arena only on kill Total. This show is crazy. You look like the lead singer of Coldplay. Quit the band and got a job at Starbucks. That's a compliment. Dunkin Donuts? Better? Yeah. Why do you look like that? Because I do H Vac. No. Okay, but seriously, I'm a black sheep. That's pretty much why. Yeah, my whole family dresses like you, so. Okay. What the does that mean at home right now, Andrew. Okay, wait. Gay for real? Absolutely not. But I can be. Don't say it definitive if you're asking. I can be. I. I could do better. Suck his dick. Suck his dick. Suck his dick. Suck. There we go. No, no, no. Here we go. Live from the Bridgestone Arena. You know how many women I just made jealous right now? You look like Paul Wall on oic. God damn. Meet Davidson. It is. It is an interesting look. I think what's standing out to me is it looks like you have hair growing over a tattoo. Am I seeing that correctly up there? You absolutely are. Did you have, have. Did you get a tattoo on like a bald head and then grow your hair in afterwards? So my family has like A receding hairline. So before it happened to me, I was like that and shaved my head and tattooed it, so. And then what, you went to Turkey and got the operation over the tattoo? Dude, I wish I was born with a really small dick. So I've been. I've been trans since. That doesn't make any. Any sense whatsoever. There's not a dick enhancement operation or else Red band would be in the hospital right now. Oh, my God. Wait, which one of your tattoos is like the coolest tattoo? Okay, I love that you asked that. So my ex got the same tattoo of me and so instead of covering it up, I have do not get matching tattoos with Dumb Dick Arrow 22 and. Wow. Not bad. That's pretty good. I also have a knee slapper. It says you crack me up. That's pretty good. Yeah, you don't have to tell that one out loud, but yeah, first one's pretty cool. What do you do for fun, Jonathan, when you're not doing whatever it is that you do? H vac. You don't. This is your first time doing standard up, you must have some hobbies. No, man, actually. You mean to tell me your entire personality is guy with tattoos? Dude, I'm a. I'm like the most famous person at my local Circle K. I just want you to know that, okay. It's a big deal. Yeah, he's let people his ear gauge for a dollar in the parking lot. Kit Kats are expensive. What's your favorite thing to get at Circle K? Don't think, just a answer. You're at Circle K now. What are you buying? Go to buy at Circle K. I'm sorry, Water. Okay. Good question. Tony Caruso. We love it when Tony ask. Why don't you ask four follow up questions to the Circle K thing? All right. Okay, Jonathan. Well, okay, well, good try. Drink some water, buddy. There's a little joke book. Oh, wow. Mr. Cool Guy with the tattoos with the ear gauges. You're from Nashville. Jesus. You're from Nashville. From Augusta, Georgia. There he goes. You. There you go. Boo. Augusta, everybody. There you go. Do a city. I still stand by my Circle K. Question it. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Tony. We got a replay of him trying to look cool catching the joke book and not. Okay, well, let's move on to a golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, your first of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been going through a lot lately and he is here for you. His first time in an arena in Nashville, Tennessee. One of the legendary golden ticket winners of the Show. It's been a while. This is a new minute from Aaron Belial. I've been in hospitals all week with no insurance because I'm going blind in my left eye. And they're like, it's not pink eye. It's not glaucoma. Did you get acid in your eye? Do I look like someone who is allowed to work with fucking acid? No, you idiot. I ate a Tide Pod, bruh. God just doesn't like me. He saw me minding my own business and thought I missed a spot on the left side. I've been trying to figure out American healthcare, and I don't get it. You can get pet insurance for, like, $80 a month, and it covers 90%. You save like $6,000 a year to be a fucking Chihuahua. You know what? Maybe those teenagers with litter boxes in school are fucking genius. People already talk to me loud and cute. They pat my head. I'm gonna get pet insurance and identify as a fucking dog hug. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Belial. So if you see my girlfriend walking me around on a leash, it isn't a kink. I just didn't like my hmo. Yeah. The oneeyed king. Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Rocking a new eye patch just when couldn't get any more up. This is absolutely incredible. This is like if someone took Dale Earnhardt's car and that he wrecked and then knocked a headlight out for no reason. After the fact that. This is just incredible. The already broken the brand. The king of the show comes up unable to speak. Yeah, I was already fucked up enough. Yeah, God already took all the consonants from you, and then he took an I. It's like a bad, bad Wheel of Fortune episode. Tony. Yeah, I've been to five American doctors in a week, and I have no health insurance and I quit my job, but I'm able to pay for all the doctors in cash just with the money I make. As a comedian, I appreciate the out of all of this. You could just push me down a hill and shot, but instead you allow me to get rich by making fun of you. And I love getting rich making fun of you. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, you know what it is? It's an eye for an eye around here. Kill Tony, and thank you. Now, when do I get my new Corvette, Daddy? Yeah, right. Keep dreaming, Captain Hook. I mean, I don't know. I think. I think Halloween is right around the corner for you. You son of a bitch. Oh, God damn it. Who was that? How dare you? Oh, God, he's typing so fast. Oh, he's making some kind of crazy noise. He's got something up his sleeve. I'm a pirate. He's a butt pirate. Oh, you son of a. Oh, you son of a. Sit down, Tony. Sit down. Oh, God. They're all on their feet. Oh, my God. How dare you call me a. You son of a. Okay. What do you got something for red band. What are you pointing at? People keep telling me I look like Matt Rife and I get offended for you. Can you believe these motherfuckers? I look like you if your mom used the coat hanger. Yeah. Oh my. Oh my God. Wow. The Caruso Jack jacket of protection. He's a good looking guy. I'm on it. You got boy band looks. You look like Liam Payne. Now let me take that jacket. It's gonna fall off for sure. I am too young to get that joke. Hell yeah. Well, Aaron, I mean, so funny man, what else is going on in life? Everything else. Good, good. You're doing good. Other than the whole eye and arm and walk and voice and Canadian thing. This is just a Canadian. By the way, there's no real ailments. It's actually Adam Ray. This is your. This is your worst character, Adam. Hey, hurry up. I gotta take a. Oh, I don't. I don't like the energy. All right. He made that weird laugh that scares kids. It's going to be good. You look like you sheep. Jesus Christ. No, I think he's talking to you, Tony. Who is that for? Yeah, that's for you. Oh, sounds like somebody's jealous. They can't get into the petting zoo on weekends. I think he gets in for free. If Aaron could a sheep, he probably would. But the sheep's like, what the is this thing coming at me? I'm going to get out of here. Hold on. It's a one eyed monster pretty fast. Oh, okay. It took you that long to type that? Son of a. I got you, man. That. Oh my God. If Matt R. Loses an eye next. Whoa. Okay, stop it. He took away Spider Man. Spider. Oh, that is coldblooded. I love it. Aaron Belial, your energy and your positive attitude is a goddamn headwind. You're the in this universe. Make some goddamn noise for Aaron Belial, everybody. There you go. The lovely Heidi, everyone. For those of you trying to get your wet and your dicks out of your stuff comic after watching five minutes of Aaron Belial, there's Heidi as a little refresher of what an American looks like, not a one eyed Canadian savage. Back to the bucket. We go. We having fun tonight. Here we go. Another innocent soul signed up for the opportunity. This is a minute uninterrupted by Jeremiah Maltese. Jeremiah Maltese. Or Maltese, perhaps? Jeremiah Maltes. Jeremiah Maltez. One more time for Jeremiah Maltez. Thank you. It's 2025 and there seems to still be a lot of gender confusion, but. But I think I'm actually racially confused. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been with one black woman in my life and I don't know, I mean, I've been with a few halvesies, but all the black friends in my life, you know, they tell me that it doesn't count. Apparently there's a threshold of blackness. You know, there's like Taylor Swift, Beyonce and Whoopi Goldberg and. I mean, I guess I just didn't hit the mark. I don't know. But what's funny, the funny thing is the nigga bar seems to be a lot lower than the actual black bar. So, like, people my whole life have told me that I'm not black, but I say nigga all the time and nobody gives a fuck. Look at Puerto Ricans. Fat Joe. Fat Joe says nigga in just about every one of his songs. Nobody gives a. All right. Jeremiah Maltez, welcome to the show. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. I'm doing pretty good. How long you been doing stand up? This is my first time. Oh, my God. Your first time doing stand up? What made you want to start here today? It's, well, it's very funny. Well, is. You should have done that part during your minute then. Donald Trump. Trump gave me a seven month vacation and I get fired at the end of it. Okay. What did you do for work? I worked for the government. Yeah. What did you do for the government? I did like systems maintenance. Okay. Yeah. How were you working from. Okay, shut up. Jesus Christ. Were you working from home? I was working from home. You were getting away with murder. I guess so. On the taxpayers dollar. I was doing. And we are finding out right here, live in real time, that the reigning defending President of the United States got you to stop stealing money from us. Thank you, Joe. You're welcome, Mr. President. I voted for Trump. Well, thank God you did. Here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along here. There a lot of first timers here tonight. We're gonna keep it moving. Make some noise for your fifth bucket pool. Stefan Ramirez. We're just gonna fly through this one. Stefan Ramirez. Yeah. Bucket bull number five. Oh, when I was a Boy, I thought Metallica was a Christian rock band because they have that Enter Sandman song with the prayer. I thought to myself, maybe my uncle still has a chance of getting into heaven. Sure, he beats his wife and sells drugs to kids, but at least he sings the prayer. I called in and checked in on him recently. Murder suicide wasn't really the fairy tale ending I was hoping for. I don't hang around gay dudes. Not that I don't like them. I do. I just don't want to buckle under queer pressure and do something I don't want to do. I don't want to go buy hair gel. I don't want to sip coffee out of a mug with a sassy phrase on it. Being gay sounds expensive. I don't got money, but if a gay dude offers me some Lululemon shorts, I'll suck that dick to China. Okay. The crowd liked it. They're very interesting selections here tonight. Stefan Ramirez. How. How long you been doing standup? Under a year. Under a year? Where at? Here in Nashville. Okay. This is where you're born and raised? No, I'm from Canada originally. Where in Canada? Where? Alberta. Calgary. Okay, very good. The home of Brett the Hitman Hart, Tony Caruso. Oh, it's interesting that you're from such a progressive place like Canada because you look like the guy who gave the money to the kid who shot up the school to buy the gun. You know what I'm saying? Okay, tell me a lot of math there. You look like the guy that gave the money to the guy that went to the gun store and then purchased. Look, this Red Bull is laced with fentanyl BC did it. All right, Stepan Ramirez, what do you do for work exactly? You look like you inhale some type of toxic fumes at a job. Am I right? Every now and then, yes. I'm in construction. Yeah. What exactly do you do in construction, specifically? Renovations, new builds. Yeah. Okay. And what made you want to start stand up comedy? I've always. I've been a fan since 2018 from your show and certain podcasts in the past year. How often do you go to, like, open mics and stuff to practice and perform? I try to do as. As many as I can yet. Yeah, Zany's just actually has a new open mic. They opened a new room here in Nashville. So the lab is now connected to Zany's, one of the great comedy clubs in the world, which is here in Nashville, Tennessee. So I get out as much as I can. Yeah. Nice. How much is how often Is that I try to get once a week. Okay. At least. All right. What's your love life like? Married, three children. Wow, look at that. How old are your kids? Kids? We got eight, five and three. All right, all boys, all girls. What's the first? Two boys and then this girl. Okay. Yeah. All right. Very interesting stuff. And what's a fun fact about your life that we'd be interested to know about you? I once upon a time had a part time job as a cremator. Oh, go on. Yeah. Red band thinks that's the guy that puts cream on cakes. Very excited. I can see a full erection here. How was that? Did you enjoy that? It was weird. It was just a job to fill. To fill some time and earn some extra money. No experience needed. You ever grab a tip before you burn them? Sorry, Good question. Do you ever grab a tit if it of a fee? Dead female corpse. No. Before you burn them? No. You would. Would you tell us if you did? Yes. No, you wouldn't. Is it illegal or you just chose not to be? Fun? You gotta find out how certain people die every now and then. How it's like written on their certificate. Okay. What's a weird one that you saw? We had this one lady, she was probably 25 years old and she put her head in a circular saw. Chop saw. And just. Yeah. So you. Let me ask you this. When you're doing that job, is it kind of just like a wooden box? Yeah, sometimes they're like beautiful caskets. Sometimes they're cardboard boxes. Huh. And. Yeah. You ever take one of the cardboard boxes and just like do something fun? You ever peek in it? Well, yeah, yeah. You? Yeah, that's what you. You ever use the ashes for a shuffle board? No. You do sometimes find things in the furnace after people are cremated. Cuz they want to be buried with their dolls and stuff. So there's like porcelain dolls sometimes in the, in the ashes. That's scary. You open it and you think there's a little baby in there. Yeah. You ever find something like a fidget spinner or a butt plug or something like a Beyblade? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there ever things left behind that were like in their body like a bullet or a like certain dentures and whatnot? Oh, that's creepy too. Yeah. It's funny because both a set of teeth and a porcelain doll would be two of the most frightening things to open up. Like. Oh God. I've seen. I've seen both those. Yeah. Yikes. Yeah. Incredible. Well, that's interesting. Indeed. I like you in the interview. That was definitely, you know, something. Here's a medium joke book. Thank you. Good job. Stefan Ramirez, Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile Unlimited premium wireless. Everybody get 30, 30 better get 30, better get 20, 20, 20 better get 20, 20. Everybody get 15, 15, 15, 15. Just 15 bucks a month. Month. So give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of 45 dollars for 3 month plan equivalent to 15 per month required new customer offer for first 3 months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com this podcast is sponsored by Taco. You can't have a good time in bad boots. That's why you need to covers. You ever wonder if you can pull off boots with your style? I see you and it'd be tough. But you can do it. You owe it to your feet to put on a pair of Tokovas, find comfort in the traditions of the west and get your confidence. Make it your own. To Cova's now offers professional grade work boots that will bring comfort and timeless style to the job site. And they even have slip ons and sandals too. They aren't boots, but they still bring the western flair. Speaking of western flair, let me throw it to my man Red Bear. Tony. I love my tokovas. You can see me strutting my stuff all around Austin. My tokovas, they're the most comfortable boots around. Tony. And with to Covas best in the west guarantee you can get free returns and exchanges for 30 days. Oh, you almost made me have a spit take but I swallowed. Get 10 off at tacovas.com kill Tony when you sign up for emails and text, that's 10% off. @t e c o v a s.com kill tony to go.com kill tony see site for details To Covas point your toes to the West. Oh, you know, we have knocked out five bucket bulls and a golden ticket winner already. And now is a time in which something very special will happen. Because, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is from Nash, Nashville, Tennessee. She's an absolute icon of Kill Tony. An absolute shining star. This is a brand new minute from the one and only, the great and powerful Fiona Cauley. Oh my God. Hell yeah. Okay, so did y' all know there is a hierarchy within the disabled community? No, it's true. Like, the harder it is for you to go to the bathroom by yourself, the more street cred you have. The Crips or whatever. Like, if I see some bitch, okay. And a rented scooter, she's open the door for me. Like Tony said, I am from here. And ah, being in the south, though, y' all say this to me all the fucking time. Hey, you know, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors. You heard this? Yeah. Well, from where I'm sitting, you all are looking like a bunch of pussies to me. Fiona Colley, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. I mean, an unbelievable set yet again. Absolutely incredible in front of your own home field advantage here at the Bridgestone arena in Nashville, Tennessee. Incredible. You've done it again. How do you feel? Disabled. It's perfect. Perfect answer. You're right in the sweet spot of the show. I gave you a good spot, much like your parking situation. Yeah, that's how I dropped my fiance. Honestly, Just dangle that parking decal in front of him. Hell yeah. Yeah. Manor slits. Spot digger. That's what we call that. An old spot digger instead of a gold digger. Yeah, he's digging for a spot. One of those front row hoes, you know what I mean? Hell yeah. Mother rug stay. Drew the blue or something. One of those next to the door. One of the those. All right. I liked it. You were in a roll with me, Ocean. Oh, my God, your crusher. I love it. So what else is going on in life, Fiona? It's so fucking good right now, which I feel like when stuff is good, you kind of think about the bad. Yeah. Does that make sense? Absolutely. There's something I haven't told you about that I thought would be fun. Yeah. You can walk. That would be the greatest twist ever. You got up and started the next episode. If she stood, started dancing and running off the stage like Tony Caruso. Just like M. Night Shyamalan over here. I love it. I know we recently talked about the engagement stuff. Not always. Good. Okay. I used to date this guy, and he had a thing where he would piss in mason jars. Hold on. And keep them, like, lined around his fucking bedroom. Okay. I didn't, like, realize what it's. Cause he didn't want to walk down the stairs to use the bathroom. And I fucking butt scooted down the. The stairs. I'm a lady. But one time I was unaware these were full of piss. And I was gonna fuck him. And as one does. And I fell on the bed in a cold jar. A cold jar of piss. Fell on your head? Yeah. Oh, my God. Were you a redhead before that? No. It could have some type of like lemon. Lemon juice effect, perhaps? I love that. Can you send me a link to that? A link? Like an Internet? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That sucks. Wait, so how many. Let me stop you there. Go ahead, Matt. Rife. How was the moonshine shine? But did it have. It. Did it have a tang to tasted better than it smelled. Oh, God, I'm kidding. No, you're not. Now, there might be something to this. Your condition again. What's it called? Free drinks attack. Have they researched piss being poured on the head of people that have gotten this before? It's where it all started. Oh, my God. That's like a four leaf clover to my people. Okay. Hell yeah, I'm fine. Toning red band also has Mason jars of piss. Yeah, you look like a Mason Jer guy. Yeah, that's not a compliment. Redband. Oh, hell yeah. Do your wheelchairs come in different flavors? Request question. Tony. Like orange? Like, do you get another. Like, do you get to pick the color or was this just what they gave you? It's one color. It's kind of a bold choice to be the only one. I love it. I don't know what to do for the wedding. Yeah, the wedding. You know, this wedding. I'm just telling you right now, I can just picture so many amazing things happening. I am using our account on DraftKings, using the promo code, code Kill Tony, just to let you know. And I am betting on the fact that whoever is closest to the back of the wheelchair will be the one that catches the bouquet at the wedding. I see it going perhaps as short as three to four feet. It's going to be one of the. Yeah, it's going to be. It's not a toss, it's a drop. I'm. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure the back wheel of your chair is going to be catching that bouquet at the wedding. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Fiona, you are an absolute killer. You are charismatic. You are beautiful. You're cool as. Everybody loves you. You started a new podcast. You told me. With your fiance, Matt Taylor. Congratulations. That's very ramp. Ramping up. Ramping up is the name of the podcast. Hell, yeah. She's with a guy named Matt Taylor. Yeah, a good one. There's a bad one. I heard. I don't. We don't know. No, we don't know. What are we talking about some guy named Matt Taylor right now? He gets brought up constantly. I don't Know. Has it ever been brought up in an arena on the biggest comedy show in the world? Yeah. Good boy. Now. Okay. Very good. Absolutely amazing. Fiona, we love you. You have done it yet again. How about one more time for Fiona Cauley? An absolute crusher. Killing it. Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen. She was with a guy that peed in Mason jars. A fun fact. In fact, he now pees in toilets, and she pees in mason jars. Oh, how life hits you fast sometimes. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going back to the bucket. How do we like that idea? Good. 60 seconds uninterrupted for bucket poll number six. Goes by the name of Dustin Callahan. Dustin Callahan is next on the what's up, Nashville? I grew up in the projects as one of five white kids. I went to an all black school. What they don't tell you when you go to an all black school is when you get that yearbook. It's the worst Where's Waldo ever. They're like, right there. So I didn't look like anybody growing up. So a girl in high school one time told me I looked like Kevin Bacon from Footloose. I got real excited. I rushed home, I asked Jeeves, who's Kevin Bacon? Because I'm older than Google. And when I saw his goofy ass face. I've never wanted to fight a bitch so hard in my life. So a couple weeks ago, I did one of those 23andMe DNA tests. Turns out I'm transgender. I was born male, but I grew these tits when I got fat. No, I'm just kidding. I'm Irish and Native American, so we got a lot of DUIs in my family. Thank you. That's my time. Wow. Dustin Callahan making his Kill Tony debut. Welcome to the show, Dustin. Yeah. How do you look? Like all three Pawn Stars at once. Well, it takes a lot of effort, Tony. It is absolutely incredible what I'm seeing and feeling from you. You look like you run some kind of fucking hot dog eating competition or something like that. Or a participant or something. What do you do for a living with a look like this? I'm a civil engineer. A civil engineer? Well, that's an odd job. Okie dokie. It's an old Bond reference from 30 years ago that I shouldn't have said. Okay, what exactly do you do as a civil engineer? So I oversee a construction site, and I'm the middleman between the contractor and the engineers that designed it. Wow. Better to be a middleman there than on an airplane. Am I right? You don't want to be stuck in next to this guy. What's your favorite airline to fly? Southwest. Anyway. No, go ahead. What do you do for fun? Watch a lot of comedy. Yeah. When you're not watching comedy, what do you like to do? I like to go out and go on hikes and stuff, believe it or not. Matt R. What do you think about his hiking lies? This is. Is something he just. He just puts on a dating site bio. I think you look like Kirby swallowed Kevin James. Pretty. We have such a good energy about you, dude. Thank you. I can tell you're a very nice person. Yeah, I am a nice person. Stop it. Where's your favorite place to hike? What do you like? I like Radner Lake. Oh, wow. It's near here. It's a local spot. There must be a lot of ice cream shops around that lake. Not anymore. Covid took them out. Wow. I'm surprised Covid didn't take you out. A very interesting shape to you. Your legs are shorter than your torso. Yeah. From waist and neck. You are bigger than your legs. Much bigger. It is incredible. It's like Hank Hill off of King of the Hill. Yeah. It is an anomaly. Yeah. You look like a guy that puts syrup on ketchup. Yep. Yeah. But you're. You're very likable. Thank you, Tony Garuso. Pointing out people's likability. I'm a big. I'm a big. That's the first thing I look for in a comedian. It's a likability factor. Even though you're dressed like you play trombone in the Mighty, Mighty Boss Don't. Which is a compliment. That's a tough gig to get. Yeah. Yeah. Looks like he plays in the Mighty, Mighty Kidney stones. Do you have any hobbies other than comedy and watching comedy and going on fake hikes? Really? There's nothing you look forward to once a year, the county fair or something? I like going to the Marine Corps birthday ball when it comes up. Up. Okay. Well, you are shaped like a birthday ball. What exactly is the Marine Corps birthday ball? Can explain it for the people that the. The non marine veterans in active duty. Are you a marine veteran? I am. Well, there you go. That would have been something to say early on. Look at that. Oh, put the hat back on. What a surprise. What? What did you do in the marines? I was a water engineer. A water engineer? Yeah. Well, who better than a weather balloon for that job? My goodness gracious. Wait, he said. Somebody said. Who said? You look like Kevin Bacon. Some girl in high school. You sure she wasn't referring to Bernie Bacon, the guy who said the record for you, the most bacon in one day. Is that a real guy? Yeah. Google it. I don't know who that is. We'll cut this out. What is your. What is your. What's the last time you did stand up before tonight? Last Thursday. How'd that go? It went good. Well, stand up is hard. And for him, standing up is hard. You could tell he's a marine because every time he tries to stand up, he goes, ooh, he's got short legs and a big body. You're carrying around a lot of ways. Weight. How are your knees? Well, the right one shot, right? Yeah. See, I knew that. So I'll stand on this leg a lot. Yep. Yep. Hell yeah. Okay. Have you ever always worn those kind of hats or is that your thing? Like, I do declare, hats. Last night I didn't wear a hat, but tonight they were like, put the hat on. I was like, okay, great story. Who's they? The comedians in the comedian section. The comedians talking you into putting the hat on? Yes. Let's see it without it. Can I see without it? Yeah. All right, never mind, never mind. Okay. It is. You kind of have a tiny head, too. You are misshapen. It is incredible. Short legs, big body, long arms, tiny head. All right, I love it. What do you guys think? Big joke book. How many of you think a little joke book bug? How many you think a big joke bug? Dustin Callahan. Thank you, Nashville. There he goes. At Athletic Brewing, we love the sounds of summer, but also, and but most importantly, the summer sound that goes with everything. The crack of an ice cold after Athletic's great tasting non alcoholic beers, pair with all of summer's greatest moments so you don't have to miss a beat. Choose from a range of styles to pair with your sounds of summer. Visit athleticbrewing.com to find athletic near you or to order online. Right to your door near beer. Get unready with me while I talk about my favorite beauty hack, Colgate Optic White Pro Series toothpaste. This unique formula is able to dissolve even those deep set stains below the surface of your teeth, brightening your smile inside and out. The best part, Twice daily brushing with Colgate Optic White Pro Series toothpaste gives you a visibly whiter smile in just three days. But I'll let the results speak for themselves. Colgate Optic White. Find it at all major retailers. All right. On to another very, very, very, very, very special treat. See, because we went through so many bucket pulls early in the show, now you get special treats more often. Isn't that exciting? I present one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, a once in a generation talent. An absolute juggernaut. A superstar found, discovered and molded here in the Kill Tony universe. This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson. Sam, this today? Today is. Today's a pretty good day, man. But it's been pretty weird for me, dog. I got a. A home girl that's in the hospital right now because her boyfriend had beat her and she got like a. A black eye and she got some broken ribs and a. A up leg. And she was telling me how she felt like the whole world around her was like coming down and she know how to feel. And I just asked her, I said, well, what did we learn? And then she went, don't. Your boyfriend's favorite comedian. He hit that with a bag of rocks. That's crazy, dog. That's all I got. I'm getting out of here now. Perfect. 50 plus seconds from cam Patterson. That was it, dog. Sounds like a true story to me. Not. I really haven't. Look at this sweet, sweet cowboy looking. Looking like. Look at him. Look at the boots, bro. Sweatpants with boots is the most ratchet I've ever seen. This is why Beyonce didn't win. Look at the boots. Howdy. White from Blazing Saddles. Well, that the gay movie. That's not the gay movie, right? As long as it wasn't the gay movie, I'm happy. I'm good, dog. It's good. You look like crooks. And done what? Lil Nas Xon. No. No. Okay, that's better. X. Conway Twitty. Come on. More, more. Johnny who stole my Cash? Dolly Parton in the black guy. Darius Rucker. Who are these people, though? That's a regular guy. That's a real guy. That's a reg. A real black guy. It's a real black guy. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Darius Rucker. I'm sorry. I apologize. Yeah, right down the middle there. Right? That's your Darius Rucker apology camp. I apologize. My r Real. I'm so sorry. Keith from the urban neighborhood. I like my boots. My boots is clean. I got taller. I'm taller in these boots. And you got the horses in the back. I like that one. I like that one. That was good. Hell yeah. That's my favorite one. You look like broke Black Mountain. No. Yeah. You know what's crazy? I'm never dressing up on this show ever again. Dressed up to the n in my finest Boots. Now I'm getting called a bunch of gay slurs. And everybody up Lil Nas X up Black cowboys for us, man. To just gay Toby Keith. Your son away from my daughter. Y' all actually won a thug. Oh, this is fun. Keep going. I like these. This is fun. Unfaithful Hill. I'm never wearing a cowboy hat again. Dog Scary Underwood. Dolly pardoned. That was good. That was good. That's great. I spent too much on this to be called all these mean names. Willie raped my daughter. Nelson. Wait a minute. That wasn't even. No, no, no. Garth. What's your credit like Brooks. Okay, that's better. They got better. It got better. We back, we back, we back. Kenny Rogers Chicken. No. Okay. All right. Thank y' all for having some integrity. God damn. About time. It took 12 of them. You pieces of the Hennessy of Tennessee. That was good. That was good. I like that one. All right. Call me that. Yeah, give. Damn. The Hennessy of Tennessee. That's good. I like that one. That's good. That's better. That's better. I like that one. That's good. Alan Blackson. Okay, you're losing them. Smashing grab mouth. That's not even Red Band. Red Band. Save it for the comedians. Hit a sound effect. Red Band. Jesus Christ. Are y' all booing Red? Man? That's crazy. It's fun when you get to hear what they think of your jokes. And I was evil. That's good, man. I love it. This is great. You love Nashville. Oh, Nashville is dope, man. I like Nashville a lot, bro. Yeah. Hell yeah. Nashville is great, man. Hell yeah. Bachelorette part. I said this last night bachelorette party should all die. But it resides that I have a great city. Nice city. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. I love it. I like it. Dustin Lynched. Okay. That's a Jim Crow. I was just saying that happened George Straight Foreman. Okay. I'm never wearing a cowboy hat again. Matt Muling. Y' all missed Chris Rip Stapleton. What? Hey, you know what? I wanna. I want to throw this hat into the crowd. But it was 400. Marcus Luther King, Pink Floyd, Mayweather. It's not really country. I don't know a lot of these people. Y' all naming. That's what's me up. I know, I know. I'm looking up the 100 greatest country artists. What about. What about do something with Morgan wal. I like Morgan Wallen. Do something with Morgan Wallen. Morgan Ballin. I like that. Oh, they don't like Morgan Wallen. Very interesting. What y' all do like, none. Wait, no. Tony, Tony, Tony. Wait, wait. They love me. That's right. Whoa, wait. I got one. I can't believe we haven't even thought of it. Kid Rock. Nope. Oh, I should have left on the hat throw. That was. Hell, yeah. We'll cut it. We'll cut it out. They cut that in post. We got to cut that. Was that. Was it really a 400 hat? You. It got Rockstar on it, too. It's fine. It's whatever. Yeah. Lady. Got it. Thank you. Hell, yeah. You find me, I'll sign it for you, too. If you find me for show. Where is it? Where is it? What are the. What are the material of the boots? This Ostrich. Oh, wait a second. You know, I used to hunt ostrich. What? I used to hunt ostrich. It's a fun animal to shoot. Yeah, Amazing. He's wearing ostrich boots and fried chicken socks, Ladies and gentlemen. It's absolutely it. Smash and grab Mouth. You guys didn't like that one? You already. That was terrible. Cam, you did it again. Another new minute. So much fun. We love you. Thanks for crushing as always and giving us something fun to make jokes with. He's turning country, folks. One more time for Cam Patterson. And now we go to bucket pool number seven. Let's see what happens here with the comedy stylings of Robbie, ladies and gentlemen. Robbie is next on Kill. Tony. Robbie. Here's Robbie, everybody. One more time from Robbie. One more time for Robbie, everybody. I don't understand why sometimes subjects are okay to talk about and sometimes they're not. Like the size of a woman's vagina. I was at work the other night, and Becky runs in and says, tasha's in labor. She's at six centimeters and a half inch. Hour later, she's like, she's at 7 centimeters. I'm like, man, she's talking about how large this woman's vagina is. And nine months ago, when I was telling everybody how this soon to be single mother's vagina was so tight. I have to go see HR that doesn't make any sense. She will be a single mother because I will not have any more kids. I've got three. They're disappointing enough. I have a atheist lesbian daughter and a daughter that dates a Mexican. And I don't know what's worse. The one that's gonna. The godless dyke that's not gonna go to heaven with me or the one that's coming Catholic. I also have a son. And that's my minute. Okay, Robbie, how long you been doing stand up? About a minute. So you. This is your first time as well? A lot of first timers here tonight. Very interesting. What made you choose tonight to start? Because this was closer than Austin. Okay. Did you think about. I've been planning on doing a minute at Austin, and this was closer, so I pulled the trigger. Did you think about trying at an open mic, perhaps, instead of an arena and in front of millions of. Of viewers at home? I considered it. But I also like the idea of saying first time ever. Sure. You like the idea of saying that. Is it something that you're going to continue to do now that you've done? Is. I. I'm a lot cooler in front of a crowd than I thought I would be. Okay. What do you do for work? I have two jobs. I do custom cabinetry and I cook at a restaurant. Okay. All right. He's a cook and he makes cabinets. Very interesting. Tell us a fun fact about your life that we'd be surprised to know about you. You're here. I'm not very interesting, I don't guess. I used to be in a band. Okay. What'd you do in the band? I played bass. I. They only got successful after I left Lift, so I guess I was probably the anchor. That makes sense. Yeah. They okay? Yeah. I'm not very good at this part of it, am I? No. When did you decide to cut your own hair? Is it the. Is it the scar? Is that the. It's a little. It's a little piece up top. That's got me curious. That's the worst man bun I've ever seen. I got rained on on the way in. I don't know if you noticed tonight, but there was not good weather after the signups, and so. Okay, we've been in here. Okay, Robbie, here you go. There's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving. Thank you, Robbie. We're gonna keep it moving. I thought that was the lead singer of Smash Mouth for a minute. Too soon? Yes. All right, all right. Like I said, we knocked out a bunch of bucket pools. Now the place will go wild as I bring to the stage another one of the greatest regulars in the show's entire history. This young man on such a patriotic night is as excited as possible to hopefully one day become the newest citizen of the United States. States of America. A true, fully fledged rock star that goes by the name of the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. I love Nashville. There is one problem, though. Last time I was in Nashville, I was at A house party, talking to bitches. And I was talking to this girl. Things were going great. Nothing creepy, a little smooch, you know, I didn't touch the pussy, but I felt the heat, you know what I'm saying? And then some dude at the party behind me pulls out a guitar. All guys know this feeling. You're talking to a girl at a party and then you hear that. You're like, fuck, there goes my pussy. Fuck your guitar. Play that shit at home. I know what you're trying to do. I don't trust any guy who's good at something. I know what you're doing, you fucking creep. And I get it. Listen, I get bitches love the guitar. It's a romantic instrument. If I had a guitar, I would pull it out right now. You know, I'm Estonian. We didn't grow up on the guitar. Eastern Europeans. We grew up on the accordion. You ever hear an accordion? It literally sounds like communism. If you put your ear close enough to an accordion, you can literally hear it go. There is never enough bread. You don't get wet to an accordion. You kill yourself to one. Thank you so much, Ari. Maddie. His reputation for doing twice as much work as he has to continues with a new 2 minute and 5 seconds. Debuted right here at the Bridgestone arena in Nashville, Tennessee. I gotta tell you, you keep dressing like that, citizenship is right around the corner. Look at that. A year ago at an open mic. Look at me now. Matt Rice, shiny my shoes. One of the top grossing ticket selling comedians of last year, shining your shoes. Listen, Matt, I gotta tell you something. I usually never know if a man is handsome. You know when a girl goes, he's handsome. Like, what the fuck you talking about? Looks like Shrek. But you, Matt, I gotta tell you, whatever gender you wanna be, I'm gonna fuck that gender, dude. Dude, all I'm saying is your transition would be cheat. You throw a wig on this 10 out of 10. Dude, don't you flirt with me. I jerked off to you three times in Nosferatu. You were good. Holy. You're a beautiful man. God damn, I love this. So symmetric. Holy. It really is undeniable. People only had you. You. What if Hitler only had you. You're the poster boy for a symmetrical blue eyed. I follow Kanye. Let's see what happens. See what happens? See how the music goes? There's a little accordion. I told Red Band to make sure it makes sense when he hits the accordion button. And that's the moment that he went with everybody. He's coming Off a slight hangover. We were at Kid Rock's bar last night and we left and we left and we forgot red Band. And he thought we were still there for another two hours without looking. So he stayed at Kid Rock's bar until the wee hours of the night. And then he yelled at us for leaving him at Kid Rock's bar. How could you leave me? We argued about it the whole drive here from the hotel. I said, you have to stay with the group. We can't leave you. And he goes, oh, all right. So, Ari, let's talk about it, because this city really is special, you know, I. We love Austin. It's its own thing. And every day of the year we have fun there. It could be a random ass Sunday. God save you if you're there on a Monday. Tuesdays are unbelievable for their own reasons, Wednesdays in a Austin or their own thing. But every time this crew comes to Nashville, we talk about the word. Residency comes up. The word let's stay a couple extra days comes up. The words let's hang out. Love the food, love the vibe, love the people, love the music, love the stores, love the energy. Love the tornadoes. We love the tornadoes. This was a tornado. This dude. We're having a tornado party tonight. Yeah. Is the show really a show if you didn't hear tornado sirens beforehand? You know what I mean? That was crazy. This is rock and roll. I got a room, room 216, at the Laita Inn in Memphis. Tonight, tornado party. Little three hour drive to Tony Caruso's party. Well, thanks for the room, Tony. I love it. So what's your favorite part of Nashville? So, well, today I was by. Dude, that tornado warning. Did your phones go off too? Crazy? Because in Austin all I have is Amber alert. It's just pedophile. It's always San Antonio, actually. Yeah, yeah, San Antonio, everybody. It's always Latinos trying to kidnap their kid that they want more visitation rights to. It's not actual, like pedophiles. It's always a couple arguing over their kids. Just a fun fact. If you're wondering why there's so many. It is funny that when you see an Amber alert and it says like the lady's name last seen with the kid, it's always like, oh, it's a mother trying to reconnect with his child. And every time you see a fucking dude, you're like, yep, he's fucking him. She's my. Okay, let's stick to the accordion for a little bit here. Yeah, I was like, that tornado Came like, It was literally 90. I was by the pool with another guy. Chili Willy, beep, beep. 90 seconds later, dude, we're on the. At the hotel, the rooftop bar, dude. A chair. I don't know where. Gwen killed somebody just flew off. Morgan Wallen. We were with another guy. Literally. Look. That was Fiona's chair. Because a tornado, for context, to the Worldwide Watchers is a pretty American thing. Never seen anything. I've never seen a launch. I thought, poltergeist. The lawn chair. Yeah. Flew. Yeah. And then a guy working for a hotel goes out there, fights the lawn chair back. I'm like, miguel, get back here, dude. This is why you need immigrants, dude. Only an immigrant will run and get a lawn chair that ain't his. Ain't no American going out there. I love it. Well, Ari, Matty, thank you. We're gonna have fun tonight out on the city. One of my favorite drinking buddies, one of my favorite pals, one of the funniest people off stage. One of the funniest people on stage. Truly one of the top young rises and comedians in the world. One more time for Ari Maddie. And with that, it is time for bucket poll number eight. It could be the next Ari Maddie. Could be the next Cam Patterson. We found them all. Oh, my God. God bless America. Usa. Usa. Wow. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Kenny Cabanaugh. Everyone, one more time for Valerie Vaughn and those American hangers, huh? One more time for Kenny Cabanau. Yeah. Yeah. What's up, Nashville? Sorry I was a little late getting up here. Rife and I were getting blowjobs by Haley in the back. She had to hawk to us so we could come out here and talk to you. Holy shit. They know I'm Canadian. 51st state. 51st state. Hold up, hold up. Are you booing me because I'm Canadian? Damn, there's been, like, five of us. I was like, I'm gonna be the only Canadian here. They kind of fucked me over backstage. But seriously, Nashville, if you've got a problem getting it up, this is the place to come, because the women here are insane. Honestly, I was flying in this morning, 6:30, came right across the prison. Largest women's prison in the United States, so it's Easy ass after 10 o' clock if you need to get any. All right, guys, I love you. I hope you guys have a good night. Thanks for having me here. Yikes. Kenny Cabanaugh plowing through booze the entire time. Not really sure how to handle it, huh? Leaving pauses for jokes and Then asking them if they're booing you because of this or booing you because of that. A lot of big basic mistakes there. How long have you been doing stand up comedy? Couple years. Just, you know, we're Canadian, so we're stupid and it happens. You're making excuses. I would just stop. Stop saying that you're Canadian for every single answer. I'll stay away from it. It's not working out well for you. Canadians boot our national anthem a few weeks ago. They left a bad taste in our mouth. Not me. You know what I think? I think those Canadians better stop doing our national anthem and I think they better start learning. Just pandering to my new staunch Republican base. Are you excited to be part of the 51st State of the United States of America? Yeah. Oh, say can you see baby, we can do this. All right there. You make me do it. Okay. What do you do for work? I work at a work for a large American company up in Canada. You work for a large American company up in Canada. You think there's any chance of that company moving back back to America due to the new tariffs? No. They're huge in America. We're huge. We love America. Okay. Weird answer. Craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here fast. Two broken vertebraes right after high school. So I'm not supposed to do anything too out there, but still live on the edge and have fun. Wow. Ouch. How do you break your vertebra? Right? Wrestling in high school. Okay, this crowd hates you. I'm. I'm going to save you. Here's a little joke. Kenny Cabana, ladies and gentlemen, have a good night. Nashville. So mean. Mean? No, not you. The crowd. They're ruthless. You heard them. I'll ask again. How many you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many you like when comedians do bad on the show? They love it. These people want blood. You guys must be in your glory tonight. But with that, I have bad news for you. Because right now I'm bringing up who might be one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Here with a brand new minute, this is Martin Phillips, SA Man. You know, a lot of people say a guitar is a sexy instrument, but you know what? That underrated sexy instrument, the French horn. Because you gotta stick your fist in it, you know? Anyway, serial killer Ted Bundy volunteered at the suicide hotline, so nobody talks about the lives he saved. Oh, I'll end it there. That's good. Perfect. He's done it. Again, another great minute by Martin Phillips. Boy, oh, boy, are they adding up. You're doing it, man. You're living the dream. How do you feel? Good. Good. Yeah, yeah, it's cool. It's cool. Yeah. You love Nashville. Yeah, it's an east place. Yeah. Yeah. Knocking it out. Yeah. What you been doing while you're here? Oh, chilling. You know, during that tornado siren, I was taking a nap and it's saying, like, going to the basement, I was like, if I die, I die. I'm not leaving this bed, you know, I don't see anything, you know, so. So, yeah, perfect. Yeah, yeah. So. Oh, this morning I. I didn't see you at the a drag brunch I went to at Zany. I was looking for you. Either I wasn't there or I'm just that damn good. See to Tonia. What's your name? What's your drag name? Tonya. All right, never mind. Holy red band. Really? It's Tony Hans clipped. Whoa. It's true. Tony with an eye. One eye, just like Aaron Belial. I love it. Martin, you know your people, they start the order and where Aaron St. L was was my name. It's like, you guys, you didn't mix me up on the show. You know, it's like, God damn it, everybody. There was a lineup back there or something. No, they're giving us the lineup tonight with the regulars. Well, yeah, yeah. They're like, okay, you weren't supposed to be on tonight. I know, I know, exactly. But they're like, oh, sorry. That was actually supposed to be a. And that was like every time that you mix us up, I mean, you guys are both crips, if you will. Part of the same guy in the G. You have the same unbelievable walk. That's true. But you have a voice. Yeah. And two eyes. I got that working for him. Yeah, I got. Yep. You are not his type, if you will. Oh, that's my impression of the Aaron. You. You son of a. Pretty good. Not bad. Martin Phillips. I'm glad you survived the tornado. Anything for Martin. Guys, this got a party in room 316 in the Lana in Memphis, Tennessee tonight. If you can make it there any tornado. Who's the out next? No, no, just poppers and. Oh, what's your favorite drug? What's your favorite drug? What drug can you do that's not going to make you all wobbly tobbly? What, like what? Like, like what drug can you do that'll make you not freak out on me, you know? Well, try them out. Let see what you got? Shoot me out. It's going to be so hard to hit a vein. Oh, yeah, go. Do it through my toes. Do it. That's. Yeah, do it through my toes. That's going to be the name of your next special. Martin, we love you. The fans love you. Everybody loves you. We're going to keep it moving one more time for the Golden Ticket goat. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. I do believe he has the record for most appearances of any golden ticket winner. All right, he's attacking him. Yeah. Tony Caruso going a little hard. He saved his life. There's the lovely Heidi. My goodness. I mean, it's always. Especially after the handicap people, where she really shines. It's just like a refresh. It's like getting an extra life on a video game. You know what I mean? Just feels good. You feel safe when she's around. How about a hand for the event staff? Right here working hard at the Bridgestone Arena. This guy's coming in with a mop. Clearly somebody vomited. When. When that last Canadian guy did is set. A lot of Americans vomiting in the crowd tonight at the disgusting. First time Canadians that have dared show themselves in such an American venue. Okay, bucket pool number nine. We still have energy. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Calip Lee or Caleb Lee. C A, L, E, P. So what I've come to realize, y' all is people on social media, they don't want help. They want attention while living miserable. This girl on my timeline, so annoying. This road I'm on is so lonely. Nobody likes me, nobody cares. If I don't get 25 likes by the end of the night, I'm gonna kill myself. So I message her, right? One human to another, like, hey, I don't know what you got going on, but people love you, Jesus loves you, and I just hope things get better. And she fucking left me on red. No, I swear to God, y' all. For what? Already selling weed to her. But now I understand why no one likes your ass. Bitch. Kill yourself. Look, look, Nashville. I know. That is up, man. And she is just the teenager and my sister. Y' all like the boo boy. I'll tell you what. Ooh, y' all like to boo? Not exactly. What, you want your closing catchphrase to be during a comedy scene in an arena? Caleb, how long have you been doing standup? I've been doing stand up about four years now. Where at? Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio. Okay. Ooh, they don't like Dayton either. Wow, what a shocker. Here in Nashville, Tennessee. Okay. What do you do for work? I'll be selling weed Door dash. Kind of getting in between right now my job cost. If you're. If you're a weed dealer, deals trucks with cuffed jeans that is about to be garbage. Easiest drug dealer ever either. You imagine him showing up with your food and it's like a half eaten and they're like boo. And he's like, man, you guys are like the Boo Door dash, huh? Oh. Ah. I love. Well, you're likable. It's a new shirt. How are you? Caleb, 29 is sure. And just to make sure I'm saying this right. Your name is Caleb. Caleb. Caleb with a P. With a P, Yeah. C, A, L, E P. You're booing the name. You know what he says? You guys like the boo? Honestly, I'm with you on that one. Boo. Caleb, what do you think your mother. Mother, whose womb you came out of, she held you in her belly for nine months, then at the end she looked at you and goes, that's Caleb. What do you think she was thinking? She was white trash on Xanax, right? Caleb with a P. That is incredible. What does she do? What? What does. What does she ring up at a register for a living? What's a yearn cost? An earn. Yearn. She's dead. Rip a yearn. She's in a yearn. That's. That is only. That is only something a guy named Caleb would say. My mother, she's in a yearn. It's a earn. As in he will never earn a living as a comedian. It's an urn. Wow. Oh my goodness. The cremator that we met earlier used to put bodies in a yearn. Everyone. According to Caleb. So how did she die? Around the pandemic. Or something like that. Or something like that. Are you not. You don't have your finger. I feel bad. I brought my dead mom up. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's fine. It's actually the most interesting part of your entire appearance so far, sir. What's the story with the rest of your life? Well, I know this is probably a bad time to plug it, but me and my friend Jeff Allen, we have the long. Let me cut you off right there. No one cares about an open mic in Dayton, Ohio. Caleb. Wow, Caleb, this was so rough for you. You might as well have been from Canada. The least liked American of the night, Tony Caruso. Do you have any advice for this young buck? I mean, just a few years ago, he Was the young kid in the movie Unbreakable. And now that's the wrong movie, isn't it? Yeah. I was going to invite you to my party at the La Quinta inn in room 316 in Memphis, Tennessee tonight. But we already have a Caleb showing up tonight. Night bringing the energy down. Caleb, I'm going to save you as well, my friend. Best of luck to you. Who do we think. How many bucket pulls do we have up there, huh? Out of all of you. All right, sit down. All of you, sit down. I'm going to do something I've never done before. And Colt, you have a better angle than me. We've had so many first timers tonight, I'm just being present. I'm being in the moment. Right? Right now I'm going to ask you a question. You guys have to be honest. Everybody sit down. Stand up. If you've been doing it longer than five years. All right, now sit down. If you've been doing it less than 10 years, how many people are standing? Is that a black guy with his shirt off that's been doing it longer than 10 years? Years. 10 years of comic hell, yeah. Is that true or are you lying? Black eye. Okay, find who? Okay, who's been doing it 15 years? Anybody? Not him. That's not who I'm talking to. I'm talking to that guy up there. Hold on. Who's been doing it the longest out of everybody up there? There. You're all pointing at that guy. Is that true? Can anybody else argue that? How long have you been doing a black guy with his arms up? 10. How long have you been doing a guy in the baseball hat? Show me with your hands. Jesus Christ. 15. You've been doing it 15 years. Come on down and do a minute. Let's go. We're just living in the homeowners. That kid sign up. You signed up. You have a minute. Get your ass back there. Are we having fun tonight or what? This is the only. Every other television host you've ever seen has a teleprompter. They pre interview their guests. This is Kill Tony live. Anything can happen in the moment. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your 15 year veteran going first tonight doing 60 seconds. Goes by the name of Evan Bur. Evan Bur. Let's see what happens here. What's up, Nashville? Thank you for doing that, Tony. I'm blessed. I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to be alive, y' all. When I was 17 years old, I was almost killed in a car accident. I was Sitting in the middle of the back seat, not wearing a seatbelt. That's where they made me sit. And we're all familiar with what that's called. It's called riding bitch. Right. And I don't know why they call it that when it was the two guys sitting beside me who died. Who's the now? Okay. All right. I'm just kidding. Everyone survived the accident, but those guys are dead opioids. Thank you, guys. I appreciate this. This was awesome. All right, all right, all right. Your name again? Evan Burke. Evan Burke. Yes, sir. Very good. Evan Burke. And you've been doing it 15 years? Since 2009. So I guess a little longer than that. Yeah. Where at? All over. Started in Charleston, South Carolina. I'm from Atlanta originally. Go Braves. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. It's a rough start. It's a rough start. And then I spent some time in New York and Los Angeles. I actually did a show with you in Los Angeles. You probably don't remember. I was definitely an add on. I was. An add on is at the Ice house, Valentine's Day, 2020. Okay, very good. I remember because you made a woman cry in the front row. It was pretty awesome. I did. Do you remember what happened there? Yeah, she looked really good. She was there with her significant other and you said she looked like a lady of the night. That's all it took. Yeah, she, she was soft. She couldn't handle. She shouldn't have been in the front row. No chance. I love it. What do you do for. How do you make a living? I have a day job. I work remotely for a research company so that I can do comedy. I haven't put all the eggs in the comedy basket so that I can reinvest in my comedy. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I, I, I mean, I self produced my own comedy special using the money that I made from my day job. Matt Rife knows about self producing comedy specials over here. Yeah, yeah. Big fan of you. Thanks, man. Glad to see you here. Appreciate it. Dude. Yeah. What is the name of the research company? One more time. What is the name of the research company? Good question. Tony Caruso. Everyone's itching to know the name of the research company. I love it when you ask questions like that, Tony. Karl Russo. I love it. It leads us in a great direction. It's going to be a bunch of jokes that come from this. Let's see what happens here. What's the name of the research company? I'm having a party at the location, 316. I'm sorry. I love you. Thanks for bringing me out. Go ahead. Oh, my. Wait. You sounded like out of gray there for a second. Go ahead. What do you got? It's a company called AlphaSense. Rated one of the best places to work work by some nerds. Yeah, some. Some outlet, you know? You're right. It was. What are you researching? Like, what is the thing that gets. We're making hedge funds richer. Nothing that these people are going to be all too excited about me. All right, all right, all right. I'm gonna tell you what. We're gonna keep it moving. We're getting deep in the show. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Congratulations so much. Thank you. A little balance to the scale. So many newer comedians. One year, year, two year, one year. First time, first time, first time, first time. And then what? I open up the opportunity for a comedy veteran to come out and some little fucking kid had the balls to show his face. Eczema isn't always obvious, but it's real. And so is the relief from EBGLIS. After an initial dosing phase, about 4 in 10 people taking EBGLIS achieved itch relief and clear or uncle almost clear skin at 16 weeks. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year with monthly dosing. EVGLIS Lebricizumab LBKZ a 250mg per 2ml injection is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema, also called atopic dermatitis, that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapies. EBGLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to Epglis. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe eye problems can occur. Tell your if you have new or worsening eye problems, you should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Epglis. Before starting Epglis, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection searching for real relief. Ask your doctor about epglis and visit epgliss.lily.com or call 1-800-lilyrx or 1-800-545-5979. Put us in a box. Go ahead. That just gives us something to break out of because the next generation. 2020, 2025 GMC terrain elevation is raising the standard of what comes standard as Far as expectations go, why meet them when you can shatter them? What we choose to challenge, we challenge completely. We are professional grade. Visit gmc.com to learn more. And now, without a doubt, for the first time ever on Kil, Tony. This. This is. I don't even know how old is he? Okay, I guess they're already breaking him out. Everybody, it's Fin again. One more time for Finn again. Just to be clear, I'm not Canadian. Hi, my name is Finnegan Timothy o' Malley. Clearly. My mom named me to be an alcoholic by 21. Every day after I go to school, I have to go to hell. But most of you know it as the ymca. The people who work there are barely older than us. They just went through puberty themselves. I can see their pimples. My friend Jackson is taller than most of them there, mainly because Jackson is a 54 beast. Every day when we walk in there, we're forced to wash our hands like we're curing a disease. And then we have to eat food that expires in two days because we can't. Wow. You are a dumbass, Red Ben, I love that you laugh at these moments. Oh, he's flipping you guys off. You're wrong. You're. Let's go back to the punchline that anybody with common sense, not to mention somebody working on this show for 12 years, would know not to interrupt, you retard. Here he is with his. The end of his joke. It's Finnegan, everybody. Literally destroying live. Do that last one again and hit the punchline. And then we have to eat food that expires in two days because we can't waste food. If they keep this up, then we'll expire in two days. Talking about Timothy o' Malley, ladies and gentlemen, has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. He's being given the jacket of Tony Caruso, AKA the Lombardo Trophy of the Kill Tony universe. Let's go. Oh, my God. Get him a beer. Let's go. Finnegan. Timothy. Finnegan. Timothy o' Malley. Holy. A star is born. How old are you? 11. 11 years old. Have you ever done standup comedy before? I have. Yeah, it seems like it. You seem actually funnier than the guy that's been doing it 15 years. He's been doing it longer than you've been alive. And here you are. Pure charisma. The look of vibe and energy. I was nervous that you weren't gonna speak directly into the microphone or have actual jokes. And you did it all. You nailed it all like a pro. This Is incredible. Do you live here in Nashville? No. Where do you live? Lexington, Kentucky. Wow. And you came here tonight with your. Your dad, your mom, who'd you come with? Both. Both. And they help you write sometimes? You run your jokes by them? Yeah, I do. But you write the. Those yourself? Yeah. Wow. Incredible. And. And you're a fan of the show? Oh, yeah. They let you watch it? My dad mostly watches and I join in and sometimes I love it. That's amazing. Tony Caruso is going to ask you an obscure, stupid one ended question right now. What's the name of the energy company? We'll be right back. I. I'm having a party at the Lita Inn, Room 316, Memphis, Tennessee. Your parents can come. Do you want to go? No. No, I do got to say. I do got to say. It's. You were funny. You were funny and you were. You were clean. I don't think you even cursed in front of 20,000 people. Have you ever cursed ever in your life? Multiple times? Yes. Oh, all right. What's your. What's your. What's your favorite curse word? Finnegan Timothy o' Malley. Great question. You've never gotten a curse in an arena before. This is the moment. Always, always powering up. Wait, what is it? Oh, come on. Don't build. Don't build him. We're gonna give him one more chance. Don't boo him. Come on. One more curse word. Okay. This show is as live and as wild as it gets. Unbelievable. Ten minutes ago, there was a zero percent chance of you getting on other than your name being in the bucket, probably. Right? And now here you are after crushing And Finnegan Timothy O' Malley, the first 11 year old in the show's history. Do I have news for you. You are the newest golden ticket winner on Kill Tony. Yeah. Yep, that's how it happened. Live in the moment. Oh, they're giving him a Red Bull. There we go. Get him. In AR15, you get to have a naughty, naughty Red Bull. How exciting. And Finnegan Timothy O' Malley from Lexington, Kentucky. One last thing. You are 11. You are five. You have enough time to write another minute before August 16th. There's a venue called Madison Square Garden, and you will be performing there at the world's most famous arena at 11 years old. You ready to catch this joke book? Here it comes. Oh. Almost had it all, everybody. Almost had it all. It's fantastic. I'd love to give you a cigarette. No. No cigarette, no cigarette. How loud can this place get for Finnegan Timothy o' Malley. Finnegan, you did it. Congratulations. Welcome to the family. The 11 year old old Finnegan Timothy O' Malley. You can go, buddy. Thank you. Hell, yeah. Where the hell are his parents at? You guys cool? We good? Are we good? Okay, good. I have consent. Jesus Christ. Consent to lug them around to Madison Square. Oh, the mom's crying. How adorable. Look at that. That. She just told the dad it's not his. I love it. She just told the dad he's not his. We have parents permission to have the 11 year old on the show and at Madison Square Garden just for any creeps watching. She just quit her job. Yep. That just happened in real time, in real life. And now Michael. And now. Now. What's crazy is that kind of steps on the toes of something crazy that I had planned here, but we're gonna go through with it anyway. I had four extra golden ticket winners that were here that wanted to go on stage tonight and do a minute. So what I've decided to do before the show is have all four of them come out at the exact same time. They're going to each do a minute, and at the end of each minute, without any interview, they're going to hand the mic to the next person. They're going to go minute, minute, minute, minute. And then at the end of those four minutes, you get to decide who you like the most. And they get a spot at Madison Square Garden. And whoever you like the least has to take six months away from the show. Ooh, Ooh. Does this sound like fun? Well, make some noise for them. Here they come at once. First it's Rick Diaz. Ooh. Next it's David Jolly. Third is Drew Nickens, and fourth is Jack Shaw. So we're going to Rick, David, Drew, Jack going first with 60 seconds. Make some noise for Rick Diaz. I'm so happy to be doing this. I have such a great track record battling other comedians on this show. Anyway, anybody else depressed or what? Yeah, I woke up this morning. I didn't mean to. I don't suffer from sleep apnea. I suffer from awake breathing. When I was a kid, I broke a window at home, and my parents were like, rick, just stop trying to get in. I was talking to my therapist and I was like, you're not taking any notes. And he was like. Like, I am trying to forget this. A girl told me, you can do whatever you want to me. So I disappointed her. She was like, is that a gun in your pocket or. It's a gun. Thank you guys very much. You've been Great. Exactly one minute by Rick Diaz. He hit hands the microphone to David Jolly. Make some noise for David Jolly. How y' all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico. Hell yeah. We in God's country, baby. You know what I mean? Remind you of the old days, back when we be when we could be Americans, you know? Everybody don't get offended by every fucking thing. You know what I'm saying? We're goddamn Americans. A man have a bad day at one, he come home and he punched that bitch in the face. This is my wife. What you mean I can't hit my wife? That's crazy. Hell yeah, the good old days. I'm glad we didn't have social media back in the good old days. Cause we also didn't have this thing called child abuse. Can you imagine getting your ass whooped on your grandmamma Facebook Live? That bitch got them long ass titty swank in the camera. Everybody in the comments like, oh, take his jaws off. Kick him in his ass. Hell yeah. Every year. Oh, that's my time. Thank y' all. Y' all been a bunch of fun. Drew Nickens. I wasn't born this way. I actually was assaulted by some airmen. I got a tbi and I actually lost a tooth that night. And it was really scary because I had to pick myself up. So I picked myself up. I picked up that tooth and I put that bitch right under my pillow for the tooth fairy. Am I right? And it was $2 under my pillow the next day. She knew I had a head injury before I did because there was a Chris Benoit action figure on the side of my bed with a fucking take care on a post it note. On a lighter note, I learned how to pleasure a woman from my grandma. She said, if you want to make the hoe squirt, you got to give that hoe to retarded wave. That's why you do the Star Trek symbol. You slide that thing up and then you wave like a retarded guy at a bus stop. Like, you gotta make that noise so it sounds like a vibrator. Like, and you gotta make it eye contact. Women are horrified when I do that joke. I only do that for entertainment purposes only. Unless you're down. Thank you all so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Shaw, Nashville. I got a girlfriend. I love her so much, guys, I do. But I'm Jewish and she's Christian, and this bitch is going to hell, man. Oh, man, I love her so much, dude. I do. But I have to protect her now. I have someone to protect. So I Went to the gun range for the first time. Motherfucker. Oh my God. Now I want a fucking gun. Guys, it was so much fun. I get why kids bring them to school, dude. Understand. I grew up in Los Angeles, California. I grew up liberal, anti gun. Why would anyone want a gun? No guns. And then I picked up a gun and I was like, nancy Pelosi is a Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. Well, this is another fun experiment. Why don't you guys line up how you performed? Rick, come on, you guys, step up, step up. Rick Diaz, David, you guys would go side by side. There we go. Jack, over here. They're not the smartest people, as you could tell. Okay, now I've been informed by the great director Anthony in the the Magical Eye in the sky that he's been able to obtain an audio level measurement system here in house. It's in the back of the house. There it is right there, as you can see. Check, check, check, check, check. One, two. So, okay, you guys were able to get it up to 1106 during the test. So we're gonna do this very officially so that the crybabies on the Internet and anywhere else fucking see how we're doing it by science tonight, Actual science. The technology seems to be getting better as the Netflix deals start rolling in. Ladies and gentlemen, you decide who goes to Madison Square Garden and you also decide who's taking six months away from the show. Never before has so much decision making been in the hands of an audience. And who better than Nashville, Tennessee to decide? With that said, here we go. How many of you? And try to not go twice. That would be my recommendation. Pick it in your head now and make noise for that person when I say that person's name or else you're going to it up. How many of you have Rick Diaz winning this tonight? That got up to what? 103. 103.7 was his maximum. How many of you have David Jolly winning this? 113 point. What is it, Anthony? 113.9. All right, how many of you have Drew Nickens winning this? Oh boy. 94.8 trillion. True, true. Don't wear this sadness on your face like that. Jesus. This is a very tough art form, Drew. You're in a. You're in a battle against great comedians. You're doing just fine, Drew. How many of you have Jack Shaw winning this tonight? 1, 4.14.3. Oh my God. By 410 of a point, Jack Shaw pulls it off. This ended up a little more depressing than I Thought it would be. Drew, we love you. Everything's okay. What do you want? You want some Step up to the mic, Drew. How do you. Are you okay? It is what it is, Tony. Everyone loves you, Drew. You've been doing it less time than these three guys. Don't take it so hard on yourself. You have to understand that being part of a competition like this is much better than not being part of a competition like this. You're in the game, Drew. Yes, sir. Thank you for the opportunity, Mr. Tony. Thank you, guys. Nashville, Drew Nickens and based on goddamn son of a bitch and principle just because it was within 0.3. Let's get David Jolly up to at MSG. Why not? There they go. Give it up for the boys. Jack Shaw's going to Madison Square Garden. David Jolly to Madison square Garden. Barely beating. Boy, that was really close. He had one at 3.7. Sucks for everybody. Kind of. Hey, it's fun that I take chances. It's fun that we have fun one more time for the boys there. That's different little measurement system. And how much fun have we had tonight? Geez Louise. I mean, there's just no show like. Like this. I hope you know that we're making history every time we do one of these arenas. Musicians know the set list. They're going to play standups, know what they're going to do, you know, when they come up here to do an hourong set, but only on kil. Tony, are we pulling names out of a bucket and having fun? And you know, I think that there's only one way to end a night like like this. I present to you. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla from. From Memphis 10. I present to you the big red machine. Ladies and gentlemen, here in his home state, the record holder for appearances and interviews, this is William Montgomery. Rocky top you'll always be oh, sweet of the B. Good old Rocky Top Rocky top, Tennessee good good old Rocky Top Rocky top, Tennessee Rocky top you'll always be home sweet of debate Good old Rocky Top Rocky Top get up my s. Rocky dove you'll always be good oh Rocky Top Rocky Top 10 Usher. Rocky Top up you'll always be how sweet of the B Go Rocky Top, Rocky Top dead I Rocky Top, you'll always be good oh Rocky Top, Rocky Top Tennessee is Jeffrey Goldberg, the journalist who just published a story about the Trump administration texting him war plans. The biggest snitch of all time. If the Trump team text him me war plans, my ass. Ain't writing a damn article. I gotta be sending gifts back. Like Rocky and Apollo Creed, shaking hands, saying shit like, let's roll, Patriots. And sending selfies of me wearing camouflage in my bedroom. Red Band's mom is such a bad slut, she couldn't blow a Breathalyzer. And she's an old one, too. Amy Schumer has had such terrible side effects from the weight loss drug Ozempic that she says she's gonna lose weight naturally. Step one, she said, is to reduce her ice cream sandwich intake from five to three a day. The mayor of Minot, North Dakota, got busted for sending a masturbation video to a city employee. And I'm just over here trying to figure out how in the hell did the mayor of Minot, North Dakota, get his hands on a Red Band video? Red Band does these nasty solo, male fucking jacking off shit. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Thank you so much. William, Lights out Montgomery has done it again. End the man who's done it more than anyone. More sets, more interviews, more verses of Rocky Top, Tennessee or whatever. Rocky Top you'll always be. Man, you know how to get this crowd into a. A tizzy. This is incredible. About to have a motherfucking stroke up here right now. Tony, I love that. I'm lightheaded. Tony, we love that. William, we love that about you. You give it all a lot of energy. A lot of people have said, we expect William to die on that stage. He gives his all. I hope not too many people are saying that either, but. No. Tony, I'm so sorry. I actually ended up going out with Kid Rock after the show last night. We went to the beautiful Vanderbilt University campus and literally kidnapped four women at Vanderbilt. Kid Rock and I. So I was having a good time last night. Toadette. Wow, there's blood everywhere. Toadette. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Kid Rock is kind of a racist today. That's the major thing I learned last night. But he's really nice. No, I love his BA with the BA song. He's not racist. He has black family members. He has a half black granddaughter. He has a black lesbian drummer. I know this because he mentions it every five minutes when you're hanging out with them right after he says the N word. I'm kidding. I'm joking. William, I don't know if you noticed it, but there's a lady holding up a sign over here. Do you see that sign that she held up? I'll show my tits for a big joke book. William, what do you. What do you think we should do with this lady, huh? I think she's kind of really ugly, Tony. Oh my God. I'm trying to see your titties tonight, Tony. Holy. Get back in the cave. You want to see those. You want to see those rocky tops? Hell no, I. I kind of do. Let's see what we got here. Anthony, you got that shot the kid? Oh no, there's an 11 year old. No, I forgot. There's 11 year olds. That can't be his first titties. Oh, no. Oh no. That's how gays are made. Oh, he's got his hat over his face. Get a shot at that over there. They're not always tucked in their pants. Turn hard left, camera guy. There you go, right there. Get a shot of that. Anthony, show them what's going on there. Please, for the love of God. There you go. Like he's heading to Epstein's Island. I'm getting word that we have a slow motion replay available of those rocky tops that we saw a second ago. Let's see a slow motion replay. Only in Nashville. Only on K. Oh my God. What is this show? Oh, there's pictures, people. This is the most ridiculous show of all time. I'd like to apologize to the Bridgestone arena and the city of Nashville, Tennessee. Sweetheart, I would love to invite you to my party at the LAN Wow. Room 316, Memphis, Tennessee. He Finnegan's going. Williams going. Dreams are coming true here tonight. We got to see that lady's sweet, sweet rotisserie. What were those. What were those metal things in your nipples? Yeah, those things were. Those were some beefy tits, my friend. My goodness. You know that she's from Tennessee because those look like the tits of a volunteer for sure. Wait, Tony. What the is that supposed to mean, man? Supposed to mean someone who like volunteers at a soup kitchen or something like that. Kind of. Not the actual college, but someone that would volunteer for something. Someone that wouldn't get paid to do something. That's what I meant, like an actual volunteer. Those were some huge tits though. Any lady want to show their small hits for a small joke book? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Shut up, William. How do you feel? Feeling good, Tony. Feeling really good. You're back in your home state of Tennessee. Is there anything you want to say to these people before we get you out of here? I just want to say it really is a pleasure. I was born in Tennessee. I will die in Tennessee. And don't shake your head like a idiot, okay? That's what I can Say, did you see him, did you see him play the West Hollywood bear during an 11 year old destroying having the moment of his life earlier? Did you see Red band do that? Yeah, I know. You're not even going to make a joke about it. You're just going to say, I know. That's like the meanest thing you could have done right there. I know. Well, I mean it was funny. I thought it was funny. I was laughing over there. Very cool. Good. Oh, Redbit. You gave him a lot of confidence there. That's very nice of you. William. William, I noticed that you always, that you always love Tennessee. I've seen you live in California. I've seen you live in Texas. Do you think you'll ever just be over Tennessee? You think you'll just be done? Tony? That's so weird. I don't think they're going to be over Tennessee. William. Lightsab Montgomery. The Big Red Machine. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla gorilla indeed has done it again. Guys, how about a hand for the one and only, one of the best in the world, Matt R. How awesome. What an honor to have him. He's on the state golden tour. It is matt ricial.com but you guys probably have tickets. You guys are the best comedy fans in the world. If he's coming to your town, get him. Every show is different and fun. That's guaranteed with him. Master improviser, Master stand up. Anything else, Matt? No. I love Nashville. Thank you so much for having me. Get on safe. Love you. God bless. Tony Caruso is having a party tonight at the La Quinta Inn. But it says here that he's promoting the tours of adam Ray and Dr. Phil. They are both on tour. That would be Kill Tony hall of Famers. Kill Tony guest of the year. You look suspiciously like those guys. Guys, the party starts in about 15 minutes, so get there early. Finnegan, bring your parents. We got tons of Zima. The entire band and the musicians, all of them are playing at Brooklyn bowl tonight. If you guys are looking for something to do, they're going to be absolutely crushing at a venue called Brooklyn Bowl. Guys, how loud can this place get for one of the best musicians in the world? Marcus Kirk King was with us all night. The lovely Ellie King. One more time for truly one of the all time goats. Wynonna Judd's performance earlier her and the great Cactus Mosher was on the drums. Unbelievable. Get tickets@adamraycomedy.com for everything. Dr. Phil, Adam Ray, Tony Caruso, Matt Rife official for everything. Matt rife. Right. We are on Netflix April 7th. That's at 2:00am Tomorrow night, believe it or not. 2:00am, 3:00am East coast time. So 3:00am, 2:00am two, you guys, 3A hours behind LA or two. Great. Oh, it's midnight every time zone. So midnight tomorrow night on Netflix. Our Netflix debut, up Kill Tony. How exciting is that, huh? One more time for all the comedians. Thank you to the comedians that signed up. Oh, look, there's a cool clown over there. Look at that guy. God damn, that would have been cool. Red Band. Love you guys. Sorry, kid. We absolutely love Nashville, Tennessee. God bless Nashville and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much.