#726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

Summary

Kill Tony #726: Ari Shaffir + Mark Normand

Date: July 8, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Panel: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand
Special Appearance: Adam Ray as “Clone Tony”, Dr. Drew, Regulars and several up-and-coming comedians

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Episode Overview

In this raucous, unfiltered, and laugh-loaded episode, Kill Tony welcomes two of its most beloved guests: Ari Shaffir and Mark Normand. The night is a celebration of irreverence and unvarnished comic energy, with the audience and panel alike riding waves of crowd work, roasting, and uproarious crowd interactions. Notable moments include the return of Adam Ray as a convincing Tony Hinchcliffe "clone," interviews that veer into the wild and personal, and a host appearance by Dr. Drew offering mock-therapy to a struggling comic. A highlight reel of classic Kill Tony: roasting, diversity of comedic voice, and lived-in chaos on stage.

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Key Segments and Highlights

1. Opening And Panel Introduction

[02:00–07:17]

• Tony Hinchcliffe amps up the stakes:
  “Tonight I have put together a lineup that would make Bill Cosby wish he wasn’t a rapist. Because this panel tonight is two of the greatest kill Tony legends...” – Tony Hinchcliffe [05:44]
• Ari Shaffir and Mark Normand come on to wild applause, immediately start clowning Tony’s look and approach.
  • “Tony, you look more ethnic. What’s going on?” – Mark Normand [07:17]
  • “You are exuding a pure heterosexual energy I’ve never felt from you before.” – Ari Shaffir [07:40]
• Explanation of show format for new viewers: one-minute sets, feedback, and roasts from the panel.

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2. Comedians’ One-Minute Sets & Interviews

[10:11–108:05] A mix of standup and rapid-fire interviews, each blending personal backstory, quick-fire roasts and honest critique.

Charlie Mac (Golden Ticket Winner)

[10:11–16:27]

• Jokes about Austin’s “beautiful dykes,” being vegan, weight loss, and writing children’s books for adults.
• Roasted for sweating profusely and playful banter on black culture in Chicago.
• Quote:
  “I lost £160.” — Charlie Mac [14:33]
  “Whoa, down to £840!” — Tony/Panel [14:38]

Fuzzy

[17:13–21:59]

• Standup on wanting to freeze time, riffing on Jewish stereotypes.
• Panel riffs on his looks, sexuality, “chi” (semen energy), and the baldness.
  • “You make me look not Jewish.” – Ari Shaffir [18:49]
  • “You look like Ari before the camp.” – Mark Normand [21:28]

Francisco Rincon

[25:33–31:40]

• Set about confusion over his nationality, being Venezuelan, and Catholic/Evangelical rules about hell.
• Talks about getting fired, dating in Austin, and “going down on women” tasting like Takis.
• Quote:
  “I bet you fuck.” – Ari Shaffir [30:14]
  “It was a fun time. It tasted like Takis.” – Francisco [30:48]

Mike Holloway

[32:24–41:29]

• Deadpan run of "I don't think everyone who X... but everyone who Y..." jokes.
• Interview reveals he's camping, living on $500, and nearly drove an Amazon truck off a bridge in a low moment.
• Quote:
  “Several times I almost drove the Amazon truck off a bridge.” – Mike Holloway [38:34]
  “You look like the bad kid in Toy Story.” – Mark Normand [41:02]

Candace August

[42:22–50:47]

• Standup on marrying a Muslim man and misunderstandings about the word “Nika.”
• Panel discusses race, work, travel, her New Orleans roots, and being married to an Indian man.
• Quote:
  “I have to keep signing up. It’s the only way black women are ever going to get on this show...” – Candace August [43:58]
  “Well, it’s also the only way anyone gets on the show.” – Tony Hinchcliffe [44:05]

Karen Jones

[51:22–62:13]

• Returns with her trademark wild backstory (was “falsely” accused of storming the Capitol, prison/house arrest, family drama).
• Shares gay jokes and jokes about her kids fearing her as a mom, and roasts Tony’s balls.
• Quote:
  “My husband is 73 years old and he has better looking balls.” – Karen Jones [59:33]

Aldo Caldo

[62:57–68:19]

• Brings Latin musical comedy; mentions he has a day named after him for feeding the community.
• Panel riffs on his Menudo jokes, his “caldo” festival, and guitar not working mid-song.

Ari Madden (Regular)

[69:18–74:33]

• Jokes about penis enhancement and being an “Estonian assassin.”
• Compares New Orleans to a city so foul an Indian man held his nose.
• Continues the “big balls” ongoing riff with Ari Shaffir.
  • “Literally my dick looks like it’s chilling on a bean bag.” – Ari Madden [72:56]

Benjamin Grell

[75:00–92:27]

• Standup on Scrotox (Botox for balls).
• Launches into a marathon, darkly comic story: owing the Italian mob $80k, being a junkie, blowing up a car, and ultimately getting busted by the DEA instead of the mob.
• Panel interrupts with:
  • “I’ll pay you $80k to finish the story.” – Mark Normand [88:10]
  • “Long story short, I didn’t talk... Forget about the 80 grand. We had a good day yesterday.” – Benjamin Grell [92:08–92:27]

Luke Lawrence

[93:11–98:35]

• Comedy club owner from Newfoundland with a string of undercooked bits; talks about running the only comedy club on the island, near-death experiences, and a viral offroading accident.

Neil Rubenstein

[99:03–108:05]

• Jokes about Jewish heritage, struggles with switching his material, and discusses trauma surrounding both parents’ deaths.
• Dr. Drew gives on-stage "analysis."
• Quote:
  “I got there, like, as she died...” – Neil Rubenstein [104:13]
  • “Well, sometimes when your mom’s a C, she does you a favor because when she dies, you don’t give a shit.” – Tony Hinchcliffe [106:07]

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3. Special Appearances & Memorable Moments

Adam Ray as “Clone Tony”

[22:25–24:44]

• The beloved impressionist pops in and out of the show, serving up a surreal twist with "two Tonys" onstage, delighting the audience and confusing even the hosts for a bit.

Dr. Drew’s Mock Therapy

[104:38–108:05]

• Dr. Drew appears to (jokingly) counsel Neil Rubenstein about his trauma, met with the usual level of roast and crowd noise.

Musical Interludes and Killer Band

Throughout the evening, the Kill Tony house band is introduced several times, features heavily in roasting banter, and attempts (and fails, due to technical issues) to accompany Aldo Caldo.

Callback Roasting

Repeated riffs around ball size (two Aris comparing “95% balls”), ethnic jokes (Ari, Mark), and callback lines (“You look like the bad kid in Toy Story” [41:02], “You look like you coach a Nazi basketball league” [95:30]).

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4. Closing Segment: William Montgomery

[109:00–117:16]

• Montgomery’s trademark absurdity and oddball energy:
  • “Anytime I hear someone say, ‘I didn’t save my dog, my dog saved me,’ I’m like, you stole Lassie.” [109:29]
  • Talks about sexuality, health, "bug chasing," and confesses upcoming STD results.
• End of show includes Mark Norman plug (“marknormandcomedy.com”) and Ari’s new podcast “You Be Tripping.”
• Adam Ray is revealed as the “host of the year” candidate for his satire as Tony throughout the night.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

| Time | Speaker | Quote | |-------------|--------------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 05:44 | Tony Hinchcliffe | “Tonight I have put together a lineup that would make Bill Cosby wish he wasn’t a rapist...” | | 07:17 | Mark Normand | “Tony, you look more ethnic. What’s going on?” | | 14:33 | Charlie Mac | “I lost £160.” | | 18:49 | Ari Shaffir | “You make me look not Jewish.” | | 30:14 | Ari Shaffir | “I bet you fuck.” | | 41:02 | Mark Normand | “You look like the bad kid in Toy Story.” | | 43:58 | Candace August | “It’s the only way black women are ever going to get on this show...”| | 59:33 | Karen Jones | “My husband is 73 years old and he has better looking balls.” | | 69:18 | Ari Madden | “Dude, I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose. Do you know how bad a place has to be for an Indian man?” | | 88:10 | Mark Norman | “I’ll pay you $80k to finish the story.” | | 104:13 | Neil Rubenstein | “I got there, like, as she died...” | | 106:07 | Tony Hinchcliffe | “Well, sometimes when your mom’s a C, she does you a favor because when she dies, you don’t give a shit.” | | 109:29 | William Montgomery | “Anytime I hear someone say, ‘I didn’t save my dog, my dog saved me,’ I’m like, you stole Lassie.” | | 116:54 | William Montgomery | “I’ve been doing it every day.” (ranting at heckler over exercise) |

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Show Structure & Flow

• High-energy opening: Roasts, crowd engagement, dirty jokes, and quick-witted guest interplay.
• Comics from the bucket: Each does a minute; interviews routinely double as roast sessions, mining personal stories for laughs.
• Callback & crowd work: Frequent references to prior interviews, callbacks to running jokes (ball size, Jewish camp, Tony clone).
• Regulars, musical bits, special guests: Recurring regulars and Adam Ray provide anchor points; the band’s comic presence is palpable.
• Theme: No topic is taboo; panel actively encourages raw honesty and shameless self-deprecation.

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Final Thoughts

Kill Tony #726 is packed with the format’s signature: a parade of slightly deranged, often confessional, always bold comedic voices sharpened (or heckled) by world-class comics. Ari Shaffir and Mark Normand, as always, raise the panel’s sharpness and unpredictability, while Adam Ray’s “Host of the Year” double act adds a meta layer of chaos and fun. The episode is quintessentially Kill Tony—edgy, chaotic, unfiltered, and hilarious.

Highly recommended for fans of roast comedy and those who love seeing new comics tested under fire by masters of the craft.

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Useful Timestamps

• Show Opening / Panel Introduction: 02:00–07:17
• First Comic (Charlie Mac): 10:11
• Adam Ray as Clone Tony: 22:25
• Karen Jones (J6 story, gay jokes): 51:22–62:13
• Ari Madden / Two Aris segment: 69:18–74:33
• Benjamin Grell’s Mob Story: 75:00–92:27
• Neil Rubenstein / Dr. Drew: 99:03–108:05
• William Montgomery (Closer): 109:00–117:16

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[Red Band]

The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, literally, whatever.

[Red Band]

Shop Squad tv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Dead coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best night of their lives?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Make some noise for Brian Redband, everybody. And make some noise for the best goddamn band in the land. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Fuck yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. We're really doing it, Red Band. Every Monday, we're doing it live. Please say hello to the Taco Bell horn section. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo dressed as Stevie Wonder. And on the sticks, Big Mike Gonzalez getting bigger every week. We put a pencil up to his dick and measure how big he's getting every week. Big Mike, cool hat. Big Mike getting bigger. Speedy Gonzalez, we call him. Behind his back, behind me, Matt Muhling on the guitar. Keep it going for Matt Muhling. John Dee's right behind me, the great John D's. And speaking of Deez, keep it going for Dee's Madness D Madness. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only. Oh, my God. We've got an amazing episode planned for you. I can't wait for you to see what we have. But before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors who make it all possible. That's where we talk about Ignito. Incredible. Incognito. And To Covis. To Covis. That's a fun word to say. To Covis. Sounds like something Dean Madness got at a rubbing tug. We're really doing it, Red Band. Oh, my God. Are you ready to start the show tonight or what? You know, for the last 12 years, I've been booking this show. And when I say, tonight might be the best fucking show I've ever seen, what I mean by that is it might be the best fucking show you've ever seen. We've had comedians, we've had rock stars, we've had actors. And every show, every show. Michael Gonzalez. I say, how can we top it? And we do. We've had every type of person. We've had guy, girl, black, jew, crutches, wheelchair, fat, gay, not gay, people who lost their socks at the hotel. Every type of person. But tonight I have put together a lineup that would make Bill Cosby wish he wasn't a rapist. Because this panel tonight is two of the greatest kill Tony legends in the history of the fucking show. Two legends of stand up comedy, two of the best comedians in the. We're really doing it, red band. We're really doing it. We're really doing it, red band. We're really doing it, red band. Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's episode of kill Tony, two of the greatest comedians you've ever seen. Tonight on the panel together next to each other in Austin on the panel together on the panel next to one another. Ready for comedy on the panel together tonight on the panel together. They've been here before. And they're back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the great

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and powerful Ari shafir and Mark Norman. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ah.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God. Mark Norman, Ari Shafir. Good to see you guys.

[Mark Norman]

Tony, you look more ethnic. What's going on? You look like an uber driver.

[Show Announcer / Host]

These guys have been on the show before. You know how it works.

[Ari Shaffir]

What a crowd tonight, Ari.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What a crowd. What a crowd every Monday.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tony, you are exuding just a pure heterosexual energy I've never felt from you before.

[Show Announcer / Host]

I did six push ups in the alley. Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. You guys know how this show works. Over 200 innocent souls have written their names down for the opportunity to get plucked out. Unbeknownst to them, they come on this stage to do stand up comedy for 60 seconds of uninterrupted fun. They know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. They know. God fucking damn it, Redman. It's okay. Fuck it, we'll do it live. 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand up comedy. They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That'll let them know it's time. How many? It might be multiple kittens, depending on what red band's doing. They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. If not, they're gonna. They're held.

[Ari Shaffir]

Jesus, Ryan.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Angry west hollywood bear. That'll let them know their time is definitely up. And then we will conduct an interview. We'll all talk to them and we'll hear about their lives. What they're up to what their love life's like, if they have any hobbies and all that stuff. And they'll get feedback from the great Ari Shaffir and Mark Norman. One more time for the great Ari Sh. Guys want to start the show off? Pick a couple of names for me. Just one. Just one. Don't be greedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just one.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Don't be like Red Band at the buffet. Just one. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Tonight's show, we are starting with a golden ticket winner. The newest golden ticket winner. Someone who's only been on the show once, once before. This is their second time performing on Kill Tony live at the Mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the return of Charlie Mac.

[Fuzzy]

Austin.

[Charlie Mac]

We keeping it weird, yo. I love it here. Like, Austin has some of the most beautiful dykes I've ever seen. Now dykes don't get enough credit. Sir, would you ever fuck a dyke? No. You don't like gently used coochie? I used to say, I never fuck a dyke. Never. Where I'm from, we call them studs. And I looked on Facebook and it said studs was an acronym. Yes. S T U, D, S stand for steel titties under that shirt. I said that at my last show. One of them studs got mad. She jumped up, said, it don't stand for that. It stand for slanging this unreal dick, sir. And then she got mad and told her little dyke friend he think he funny. Go to the truck and get the strap. So first I was scared she was getting a gun. Then I started praying she was getting a gun. Cause if strap is short for strap on. Different conversation. I got scared, like, excuse me, mister, ma', am, please don't get the big black nine. Cause it might be inches or a millimeter. I don't know. Thank you.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God. Charlie Mac, you've done it again. You've done it again.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Second time on Kill. Tony. Charlie.

[Charlie Mac]

Yeah.

[Ari Madden]

Yeah.

[Show Announcer / Host]

How'd it feel? You're sweatier this time, Charlie.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're sweating like P. Diddy on the stand.

[Charlie Mac]

The panel looks a little different. I don't know what it is.

[Mark Norman]

Tony got on Netflix. He upgraded. Look at this guy.

[Charlie Mac]

I feel like it's Teemo. I don't know.

[Mark Norman]

Teemo Hinchcliffe. That's funny. You look like a giant UPS package.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Charlie Mac]

Tell your mom I got a package.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God, she's. I love it. Charlie, where are you from again? I forget. Where are you from?

[Charlie Mac]

Chicago.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Chicago. And how long you Been doing stand up comedy six years. Almost six years.

[Ari Shaffir]

Can I guess south side?

[Charlie Mac]

No. West side. Oh, oh, the other black side. Oh, okay.

[Mike Holloway]

All right.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Is there a super. What's the blackest part of Chicago, Charlie?

[Charlie Mac]

The city?

[Mark Norman]

Whatever part he's in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay, okay. Very good, Charlie. How long you been in Austin, Charlie?

[Charlie Mac]

I've been here going on five years.

[Show Announcer / Host]

And what do you do for fun?

[Charlie Mac]

Everyone knows here that I write my books. My children's books.

[Show Announcer / Host]

That's right.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Charlie Mac]

Yes, I write children's books for adults.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Charlie Mac]

Y' all see it?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, yes.

[Charlie Mac]

Yes, yes. Man, Fuck them kids. Yes.

[Mark Norman]

That's Kevin Spacey's motto.

[Show Announcer / Host]

The great Kevin Spacey. Gotta poster him above my bed. Charlie, what do you love about Austin, Texas? Have you had the food? Just kidding. I know the answer.

[Charlie Mac]

No, I just said it. It's the dykes. They're beautiful out here.

[Show Announcer / Host]

The who?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The dykes.

[Ari Shaffir]

The lesbians?

[Charlie Mac]

Yes. The manly ones.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Right. And what makes them so manly, Charlie?

[Ari Shaffir]

Manly means when someone shows, like, a sign of, like, a man.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Right, right. But they have. They're lesbians. But you said they're manly.

[Charlie Mac]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Show Announcer / Host]

What are they?

[Charlie Mac]

It does. They. They be in the. In the men's section of the stores, taking all the big clothes.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Right. And that. And that's a problem for you?

[Charlie Mac]

Yes. Yes. Because I try to get my size, but they end up having to get skinny jeans. I don't like the.

[Mark Norman]

Those skinny.

[Charlie Mac]

They wasn't when I first bought them.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Charlie, what was the last time you had a vegetable?

[Charlie Mac]

I'm actually vegan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way.

[Charlie Mac]

Yeah, I've been vegan for a year now.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Charlie Mac]

I lost £160.

[Ari Shaffir]

£160?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yes.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Congratulations.

[Benjamin Grell]

Un.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Fucking believable. Down to £840.

[Charlie Mac]

No. I'm regular fat. I was. Oh, my God, it's coming. Fat.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Do you have other. How many fat friends do you have, Charlie?

[Charlie Mac]

Just your sister. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Mike Holloway]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow. Okay. Got me. Play something fun. Red band. Perfect. Fuck you, Charlie. You've done it again. Second time on the show. First time got a golden ticket. You came out. You did it. You said it all. Anything fun we should know about you before we let you go?

[Charlie Mac]

From my book sales last time, it upgraded my life. I went from Go. Thank you.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Thank you.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yes.

[Charlie Mac]

I went from. I went from. It raised my tax bracket. I went from Go Joe to let's make America great again.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Unbelievable.

[Ari Shaffir]

My people can help you with that. We'll figure it out.

[Charlie Mac]

They told Me to get an accountant, but I think I'm going to jail.

[Ari Shaffir]

You'll be fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You'll be fine.

[Ari Shaffir]

We'll bring those taxes down to $1 a year.

[Charlie Mac]

I'm in the club now.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Just don't drop the soap in jail because you probably won't be able to stand back up. Charlie, you did it. You came out. You did it. One more time for the great Charlie Mac, everybody. Golden ticket winner. There he goes. Oh, my God, we're doing it. Are you guys having a good time so far? Is this not the best night of your lives? Our first.

[Ari Shaffir]

That was a lot of sweat.

[Show Announcer / Host]

That was a lot of sweat. When's the last time you sweat that much, Ari Shafir?

[Ari Shaffir]

When I visited Auschwitz and they reopened.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Perfect. Our first bucket poll of the night. Goes by one name. I love a good one name. I love a good two name, but I love a good one name. He actually works here at the Comedy. Huh? It's a guy. He works here. Well, let him decide. It's 2025 Red Band. He might be a guy tonight and a woman in the morning. Please give it up for Fuzzy, everybody.

[Fuzzy]

I believe the best superpower is the ability to freeze time because you're in control. You got to remember, they don't want you to have super superpowers. They, the Jews do not want you to have. But when you freeze time, you're in control. And the perks are motherfucking sweet. Everyone here would do the same thing immediately. We're going to the bank. We'd all do it. Come on. You'd go to the bank, you'd see the teller, you'd wait for her to open up the vault, freeze time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then. Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.

[Mark Norman]

Holy shit.

[Fuzzy]

And then you'd leave the bank. Oh, and if you're a girl, you can look through his phone. Whatever the fuck you guys want to do. I don't give a fuck. Thank you guys so much.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God, Fuzzy. Great job. Fuzzy, how long have you looked like you go to Sesame street begging the Muppets for change?

[Fuzzy]

All my life. Hey, one time for Tony fucking Hinchcliffe, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

You make me look not Jewish.

[Mark Norman]

You look like Muzzy.

[Fuzzy]

Fuzzy the Muzzy. Hey, are there any Indians in here?

[Ari Shaffir]

And they're not allowed in Rogan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good. Pakistan forever. Oh,

[Mark Norman]

all right, all right. Easy, easy.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You know it's going great when you scream at the end of your set. Fuzzy, how long you been doing stand up comedy?

[Fuzzy]

Five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Years.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Five years. What's your favorite thing about it?

[Mark Norman]

Drive an Uber.

[Fuzzy]

Probably the dick. Probably all the dick I'm getting.

[Ari Shaffir]

You okay?

[Mark Norman]

You okay, gay man?

[Fuzzy]

Nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What would be the first thing you'd do if you were gay, Fuzzy, now that we're here?

[Fuzzy]

I'd suck your dick and try to become a regular, probably so.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Get in line. Unbelievable.

[Ari Shaffir]

Fuzzy. You treating those cancer spots in your forehead at all or just letting it ride?

[Fuzzy]

Just let it ride, dude. This shit's almost over anyways. I think got like two months or something like that.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What do you do during the day, Fuzzy, when you're not at the mothership?

[Fuzzy]

I like to go for walks.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Where do you walk?

[Fuzzy]

Around the east side. East fifth Street.

[Ari Shaffir]

How big is your vest?

[Fuzzy]

Bigger than Tony's.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Nothing, red man. Perfect. You're a rubber ducky, Fuzzy.

[Fuzzy]

That's something Tony would actually probably say.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Fuzzy, what's your love life like?

[Fuzzy]

It's good. It's chill, bro. Actually, I met a girl.

[Ari Shaffir]

Whoa, whoa. Chill, bro. He's allowed. He's allowed.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Give him a chance.

[Ari Shaffir]

Some whores.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Give him a chance.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah, who the is that?

[Ari Shaffir]

The laughing like. You can't get any.

[Fuzzy]

You're here with a guy.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God. Got him.

[Fuzzy]

You look like you like dick in your mouth.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Fuzzy]

Life's good, love Life is good. Dude, I've been fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Fuzzy]

I got this fucking. I stopped masturbating, so I got chi now.

[Ari Shaffir]

What?

[Mark Norman]

Chi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's chi?

[Fuzzy]

Now? Chi is your semen.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa. There we go.

[Fuzzy]

And it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you know about chi?

[Show Announcer / Host]

I love chi, but I also love pad Thai. Fuzzy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Fuzzy. I would drop the chi and go with Chia Pet on that head because that is a level of bald I've never seen before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, all right.

[Ari Shaffir]

Love you, buddy.

[Mark Norman]

You look like you look like Ari before the camp.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right,

[Mark Norman]

All right. We gotta let this guy get back to his food truck.

[Benjamin Grell]

What are we doing here?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Come on, Fuzzy, you did it. Here's a little joke book. See you later. Fuck off. One more time for Fuzzy, everybody. There he goes. Fuzzy, you did it.

[Ari Shaffir]

He worked with me two times. He killed both times. He worked with me here. He fucking crushes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Quick.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Quick.

[Francisco Rincon]

He's.

[Show Announcer / Host]

So everyone here at the mothership is being groomed too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a bitch.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God. Un.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking believable. I finally. I finally work hard enough and save up enough money to buy my own clone of myself, and then you lock me inside of my own closet and try to host my show.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You got it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? I gotta tell you, I heard a little bit of those interviews they were dragging back there. Could really hear the wheels turning on you. And I didn't realize my clone would sweat more than me. It's not easy, is it? Clone to kill Cloney.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tony Hinchcliffe and Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Mark Norman]

By the way, Dwight, it really is Pride month.

[Show Announcer / Host]

This is what we call a Mark Norman wet dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is kill to me. The only thing better than one of me is two of me. And now back to the show. All right. Oh, you have.

[Show Announcer / Host]

I made a couple notes.

[Mark Norman]

Puerto Rico's not gonna like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, my God. All right, back to the bucket we go. I'm very excited to be here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just finding out that's not you. I thought the whole time.

[Charlie Mac]

I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is an extra fun episode, if you ask me. Who books this shit?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Do I look good smoking a cigarette, by the way?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't say my S's like that, by the way. It's not a thicker ass. I don't smoke thicker ass. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Friends. Fisko, Rincon.

[Francisco Rincon]

Shut up. This guy was like, don't trip. It's fine. I'm gonna fuck your mom later after I clean her house. I am from Puerto Rico. No, I'm not. I'm one of the good ones. Happy Pride month to this guy mainly. But, yeah, I don't know. A couple years ago, I was watching the gay news, cnn. I don't know if you guys hear Pope Francis. He said, RIP Pope Francis. A couple years ago, he said, if you're gay, you can get married now and you will no longer burn in hell. It's a real thing. I don't know if you guys heard about this, but it made me think. It made me wonder what was going to happen to the gay guys that were previously burning in hell. Do they make it fair? Do they make an announcement on there? Are they like, excuse me. If you're here and you're gay, make yourself to the lobby. We have great news. What do they do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Francisco Rincon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the show. Francisco, we've seen you multiple times before.

[Francisco Rincon]

One time before.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Francisco Rincon]

Killed Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've only been on the show once.

[Francisco Rincon]

Once, two years ago.

[Aldo Caldo]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What makes me think you've been on a couple times?

[Francisco Rincon]

You've probably seen me on Rose Bottle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yes, I saw you on rose bottle. I love it. So you're not Puerto Rican. You said you're one of the good ones. What is one of the good ones?

[Francisco Rincon]

Mexican. Mexico.

[Benjamin Grell]

Mexico. Go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Francisco Rincon]

Actually, Tony, I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead.

[Francisco Rincon]

Sorry. I am from Venezuela.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Charlie Mac]

Why boo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why boo?

[Show Announcer / Host]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why boo?

[Neil Rubenstein]

It's gonna.

[Francisco Rincon]

Look, I'm here to tell you guys, despite what you hear on the news, that all Venezuelans are criminals. I'm here to tell you that we are criminals. But I know. I am from Venezuela, but, you know, Venezuelans, we've been getting a bad rep, right? So, like, when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago, they would be like, are you from Mexico? And I would be like, no, that's gross. You know? And now they are like, are you from Venezuela? And I'm like, no, I'm from Mexico. But yeah. All right.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Have you always looked like Adam Ray with aids?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. You throw a vest on? We got a third Tony here.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Un. Fucking believable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Francisco, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Give us something good.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What's going on?

[Francisco Rincon]

Oh, man. Living life, you know. Not to brag or anything, but I got. It's funny because last time I did the show, I had just recently gotten fired and I just got fired again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at you.

[Francisco Rincon]

I know.

[Mike Holloway]

Look at you.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What'd you get fired from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey. That's what I was gonna ask. You're a fucking genius. And you're extremely good looking.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me. Wait, what was that? What was that?

[Show Announcer / Host]

I smoke a lot of cigarettes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't do that. I don't do that. Do I do that? No, I don't.

[Mark Norman]

Easy.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Steve Urkel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good one, me. All right. Where did you get fired from?

[Francisco Rincon]

I'm not going to say a company name, but I was working as a engineer. Remote sales engineer. It was really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They fired you? Why will you not say the name?

[Ari Shaffir]

Is it because you can't say engineer.

[Francisco Rincon]

In my language? That sounded like the N word, but yeah, I don't know if I'm going to have to look for another job, so I don't want to throw these guys under. Under the bus, you know?

[Ari Shaffir]

Hey, can I just tell you real quick, if you have to. If you got fired, you are going to have to find another job.

[Show Announcer / Host]

That's how it works.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's how it works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[Show Announcer / Host]

No doubt about it.

[Francisco Rincon]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Candace August]

Well,

[Show Announcer / Host]

no doubt about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About it. Francisco, What. What's your love life like? You're a good looking guy. You seem like you should be doing good out There for. For yourself.

[Ari Shaffir]

Bet you fuck.

[Francisco Rincon]

What?

[Mark Norman]

Did he say?

[Ari Shaffir]

I bet you fuck.

[Francisco Rincon]

Oh, yeah. No, no, I'm doing. I'm doing all right. I'm not. I got. I got lucky a couple weeks ago. I. That's what I like about Austin. Lots of beautiful Mexican girls here in Austin. And. Yeah, so I went down on this girl from San Antonio.

[Show Announcer / Host]

How long did you go down on her for?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us an exact time frame.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Morning, night, lunch.

[Francisco Rincon]

Over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over. Under 25 minutes.

[Francisco Rincon]

It was a good time. It was a fun time. It tasted like Takis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Like what?

[Francisco Rincon]

Sometimes I don't even understand myself, man. I'm sorry. I. Yeah, I had a dream in English last night. I don't even know what I said.

[Mark Norman]

All right, we gotta deport you.

[Francisco Rincon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. No doubt about it.

[Show Announcer / Host]

No doubt about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're sending you back to Venezuela. Well, well, Francisco, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show?

[Francisco Rincon]

A big one, but it's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, guess what, buddy? I got new.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Sweet buddy. You get a small one this time. Catch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Throws it back into the crowd. It's like. That's a thing. It's like when you get a baseball hit to you from the opposing team and the. And the person that catches it throws

[Show Announcer / Host]

it back onto the field.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. You're.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You're good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're real good. All right, all right. Let's keep this thing.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Moving along. Oh, that's an unlit cigarette. But me, I am out of control tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket, Pool Mike. Haul away.

[Mike Holloway]

I don't think everyone who has a cat also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy. But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat. I don't think everyone who eats blue cheese also has a foot fetish,

[Show Announcer / Host]

but

[Mike Holloway]

I do think everyone with the Foot Fighters also eats blue cheese. I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile, but I do think everyone who's a pedophile also drinks lemonade. I don't think everyone who's the victim of pedophilia is also a Disney adult, but I. You guys get it.

[Benjamin Grell]

How's it going?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. That was fun.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mike Holloway, this is your first time on the show?

[Mike Holloway]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been doing standup?

[Mike Holloway]

Kind of five years, but more like 3. Cause of breaks from COVID and being broke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

Covid was over five years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you still broke?

[Mike Holloway]

Well, I did.

[Show Announcer / Host]

He's not wrong.

[Mike Holloway]

I did, like, one or two mics before COVID I know.

[Ari Shaffir]

The whole Lincoln years. I had to take off.

[Mike Holloway]

I'm bad at counting. I'm bad at counting. Sorry.

[Show Announcer / Host]

The OJ Trial really fucked up my schedule. Okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work? You work in, like, a. I'm getting aquarium vibes. Like, you work with pets of some kind?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Two fun facts about dolphins. Go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just. Let's go one question at a time.

[Mike Holloway]

Dolphins rape a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there you go. That's the one they answer. What do you do for work?

[Mike Holloway]

I doordash right now. I just moved here two weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So did you save money from another job?

[Mike Holloway]

Kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the other job?

[Mike Holloway]

Amazon delivery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazon. You see, I thought with aquarium. There's fish in an aquarium. There's also fish in the Amazon. I did it again. Genius. All right, all right. Anyway, so how much money did you save exactly? I love people. People in interviews and podcasts, they never ask questions like this.

[Show Announcer / Host]

They never do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm obsessed with a question like, how much money did you save before finding a job where you move to drumroll. Nope. No drumroll. No drumroll. There's two hosts here. None of them asked for a drum roll. How much did you save?

[Mike Holloway]

500.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

$500?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Holy. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you. What are you gonna do? Are you in your car right now?

[Mike Holloway]

Technically, I'm. I. I'm camping at a campsite, so I paid for squatter. Technically, I'm not homeless.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a tent?

[Mike Holloway]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you sleep in a tent?

[Mike Holloway]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you shower at the campsite? There's shower. Outdoor showers?

[Mike Holloway]

No, it's indoor, like a koa. What's a ko?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that.

[Show Announcer / Host]

The fuck is that Ari?

[Ari Shaffir]

What's a koa?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Some Jewish shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that? Not. Not all of us. Not all of us take world vacations and camp all the time. Some of us are trying to change people's lives out here.

[Mark Norman]

They know about camps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But.

[Mark Norman]

That's the second camp, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Especially the showers at those camps.

[Ari Shaffir]

Some of the showers are decent at those camps. It's just the one or two were, like, real bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So explain to us. Explain to the people. People are watching all around the world. You came to Austin in Texas with $500. How do you plan on surviving? What are you eating? Take us through, like, your actual life.

[Mike Holloway]

I go to heb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Mike Holloway]

And I get a pack of three steaks for, like, eight to twelve dollars.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Mike Holloway]

And I get some corn on the cob. Fresh corn on the cob. Oh, for like 33 cents a piece.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you shove the corn on the cob?

[Mike Holloway]

In tinfoil and in the coals.

[Ari Shaffir]

Does the corn.

[Mike Holloway]

And I got potatoes, too.

[Ari Shaffir]

Corn ever get stuck in that massive gap between your.

[Mike Holloway]

All the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Look at that old corn catcher you got there. Look at that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Did your mom hate dentists?

[Show Announcer / Host]

How many times do you shower a week?

[Ari Shaffir]

Good question, Tony.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Exactly.

[Mike Holloway]

Time I come into the city.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Mike Holloway]

Every time I come to comedy, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very interesting.

[Mark Norman]

So this is your first shower?

[Mike Holloway]

No.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, and is it easy to make friends at the camp, the campgrounds, what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hate the questions I'm asking.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Is it easy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really leads to absolutely nowhere. Yes or no questions don't really work on the show. Let me ask you this.

[Ari Shaffir]

I think you're cool. You got an outsider vibe. You got a real fucking manifesto. You're like a manifesto Crystal guy.

[Benjamin Grell]

Appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is the craziest thing that you've ever almost done? Like, you seem like you've had some thoughts cooking, like, some. You've read like a How to make a bomb book or something before.

[Mike Holloway]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so now it's your turn to answer the actual question.

[Mike Holloway]

Back in high school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You did what?

[Mike Holloway]

I read the Anarchist.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Other than the thing that I said that you did, you get to use your entire life right now as a reference point. What's the weirdest or most criminal thing you've ever almost done? Not the one that I fucking guessed, but you're like, yeah, I did do that. I'm asking your whole life, did you ever think about.

[Mike Holloway]

Several times I almost drove the Amazon truck off a bridge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now take us through this. Exactly. First of all, were there a lot of packages in the Amazon truck?

[Show Announcer / Host]

That's why I didn't get my vest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, so good. Okay, so did you really think about it? You thought about driving the Amazon truck off a bridge?

[Mike Holloway]

Oh, yeah, I thought about it.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And how were you going to do. Were you gonna kind of like go to the bridge and then hard right, turn off of the ledge, or were you gonna kind of like take it at an angle? What was your plan?

[Mike Holloway]

No, I was gonna. It was an ev. So it's really got some acceleration. So, yeah, I was gonna get it going and then just crank the wheel and jump out the window. Jump out the door.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, you weren't gonna kill yourself. You weren't gonna, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I thought about that too. I did. Oh, wait a second.

[Francisco Rincon]

Second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is treason.

[Mike Holloway]

I did for A second. But then I was like, I can jump out.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I like it. You're just Bezos over, not yourself.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I'm all right with that.

[Mike Holloway]

Bezos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were just gonna selfishly drop a bunch of people's packages in the water? Unbelievable.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, what's the other craziest thing about your life? Mike, give us something good here. Other than almost driving an Amazon thing. What's a fun fact about your life? Did you have a weird childhood? Were you molested? A lot of pedophile jokes?

[Mike Holloway]

No, I wasn't molested. I did have a weird childhood, though. I moved around a lot.

[Ari Shaffir]

Molestings.

[Mike Holloway]

I was a fat kid and a nerdy kid and the new kid all the time. So I got picked on a lot.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What was the meanest thing? Somebody was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, Shut the.

[Show Announcer / Host]

I'm fucking talking. What was the meanest thing somebody ever said to you at school?

[Mike Holloway]

I don't remember. I said a lot of mean shit too, because I would. I would basically. For the. To deal with bullies, I would basically, like, roast them. I didn't know the term back then, but I would roast them. And then, like, if they put hands on me, then I would, like, just go full out, like, right away.

[Mark Norman]

So you. You killed a kid?

[Charlie Mac]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Mike Holloway]

Beat the crap out of a couple.

[Mark Norman]

You look like the bad kid in Toy Story. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You do the neighbor. Yeah.

[Benjamin Grell]

Sid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid, Sid.

[Mike Holloway]

I do like firecrackers.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Where are you hiding, Andy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Slinky here's a big joke, but congratulations.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. On to the next one. I like that guy.

[Show Announcer / Host]

There he goes.

[Ari Shaffir]

Something about him.

[Aldo Caldo]

For real, this.

[Ari Shaffir]

In school.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Grew up on a fireworks stand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you know what that means. The beautiful, lovely Heidi is here. Wow. Someone's. Someone's rooting for Ari from the audience. Let's go, Ari. Wow. A guy. A guy. A guy wants you to be funny right now. Farts. All right, all right. This looks like a new name. I'm excited about it. I love new names. You love new names. I.

[Show Announcer / Host]

It's my favorite thing, other than my condo.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Oh.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Un. We're doing it. Red band. We're really doing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Candace August, everybody. Candace August.

[Karen Jones]

All right.

[Candace August]

My husband's Muslim, and when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called the Nikka. I will spell it for you. It is N as in Nancy, I. K as in kangaroo. A H as in Harold the Nika. Problem is I had not seen that word written down before I heard that shit out loud. Picture it on my wedding day. I'm standing there in my dress. I'm looking at my husband, so in love. The guy walks in, he's like, we are gathered here today to celebrate this blessed Nika. He kept going. In the eyes of Allah, all n are beautiful and wonderful. This n today is special. I was just like, what the fuck

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

did this nigga say? What did this.

[Candace August]

Thanks for the compliments, dude, but you can call me Candace.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Fantastic set.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By Candace August. Welcome to the show, Candice. Thank you. Is this your first time?

[Candace August]

It is not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on before.

[Candace August]

You were great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember you. Thank you.

[Candace August]

I was on in January.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Welcome back.

[Candace August]

Thank you. I figure I have to keep signing up. It's the only way black women are ever going to get on this show, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it's also the only way anyone gets on the show. I love that you have to be a victim of race issues. Would never expect anybody like you to do that. You people never do that. For this is the fairest, most diverse show in all of show business. Incorrect. How dare you? Oh, shit.

[Candace August]

Two Tonys.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my. I'm getting roasted by the bouncer. Advice. Fraggle Rock. Oh, my God.

[Mark Norman]

It's Ma' am Patterson.

[Candace August]

It's pretty good. Hello, Ari. How are you?

[Ari Shaffir]

What's up? How you doing?

[Candace August]

Pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you two know each other?

[Candace August]

No, I just was. I already dapped him up.

[Show Announcer / Host]

And I love black hookers.

[Candace August]

Tony, I wanted to. That's not even funny. But I just wanted to. I just wanted to acknowledge everyone on the panel. Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Redband. I love it. I love it. So, Candace, remind us, what do you do for a living?

[Show Announcer / Host]

What's going on?

[Candace August]

I'm Ari's call girl. Didn't you hear?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no,

[Candace August]

I, I. We talked about this before. I work at a debt consolidation company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. A debt consolidation company.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't understand what that is.

[Candace August]

Doesn't translate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. And what do you do for fun?

[Candace August]

I like to travel a lot. And comedy's fun. I like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you travel to? What are some of your favorite places that you've been?

[Candace August]

My favorite place is Cuba. That's the favorite place I've been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Cuba?

[Candace August]

I just. I'm from New Orleans and. And, yeah, I know you went to Brother Martin. I know I went to Ursuline. So we look at the connection down there. I performed with him several times. He Never remembers me. But

[Red Band]

it's.

[Candace August]

It's fine.

[Show Announcer / Host]

It's fine.

[Candace August]

It's okay. It's okay. I opened for him at Magoovies and a bunch of other places.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sorry, are you from. Are you from Maryland?

[Candace August]

No, but I lived in the DMV at the time when I worked with him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You lived in the DMV? Wow.

[Candace August]

Okay. It's D.C. maryland, Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Candace August]

And they call it the DMV.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You look like you'd work at the DMV.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God. We're really doing it.

[Red Band]

Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're really doing it.

[Candace August]

I was answering you about Havana. So I'm from New Orleans and Havana has a very like. Like New Orleans type of feel. A very like. It has a lot of soul and it's a very small place. A lot of live music playing all the time. It just. It just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The sweet sirens, it just.

[Candace August]

It just reminded me of home. That's why I like.

[Show Announcer / Host]

That's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Austin, Texas?

[Candace August]

It also. So 6th street specifically also reminds me of bourbon. Yeah, it reminds me. It's a very bourbon esque feel. All the live music and then there's this concentrated like 4 block radius where everything's happening. It's just like bourbon. Except cleaner. Marginally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You got a man? Are you married? Is that what that ring is?

[Karen Jones]

Yes.

[Candace August]

We talked at long length about it last time. My husband's Indian.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The rare mix of an Indian man and a powerful black woman.

[Candace August]

Yeah, you were very interested in that subject.

[Karen Jones]

The left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it's a very rare combination. I study these things. I'm a people person.

[Ari Shaffir]

How does the family go for it? How does this family go for.

[Candace August]

So, I mean, they weren't very happy at first, but not really because I'm black. Just mostly because I'm not Muslim.

[Charlie Mac]

Why would you do this to the family? Why do you bring home a demon woman?

[Candace August]

This dude?

[Show Announcer / Host]

I do voices too, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I heard you did quite a few

[Candace August]

the last time I was here.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you and the Indian husband, Nika Masala.

[Show Announcer / Host]

That is close.

[Mark Norman]

Too close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A good one.

[Show Announcer / Host]

A good one.

[Candace August]

Right on the borderline, mark. Right on the borderline.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[Show Announcer / Host]

And what does your husband do for work?

[Candace August]

He also works at a. That consolidation company. A different one from me, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Till debt do you part. Absolutely. Oh, you like that one?

[Candace August]

That one was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like working at the dmv?

[Candace August]

That one was. No.

[Ari Shaffir]

But that consolidation humor, really. Go take that around the office.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time. You showed it to him, right?

[Candace August]

Yeah, yeah. He watched it from home. Like he wasn't here live, but he watched it.

[Ari Shaffir]

How much did he beat you for it?

[Candace August]

He did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You brick up.

[Karen Jones]

My first shirt

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

means no worries.

[Candace August]

Oh, he got a kick out of it. Cuz you spent a lot of time talking about. So I had said that you got

[Ari Shaffir]

a kick out of it.

[Candace August]

I said my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A kick and two punches.

[Candace August]

All right, So I said my husband wasn't black and you spent a lot of time trying to guess what race he was and you never guessed Indian. I had to tell you. So that's what happened last time. So a lot of the interview was about him. So he actually really enjoyed it when we watched it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Candace August]

Yeah.

[Show Announcer / Host]

And where do you get earrings like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those are great earrings.

[Candace August]

I'm so glad you noticed them. So the last time I was on, I had knives, right. So it's like the Kill Tony vibe and no one ever noticed them. So thank you, Tony, too, for noticing them.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yes. Did you buy them at the target that you got fired at?

[Karen Jones]

I did.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Candace August]

No, they're custom. I ordered them online.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you gonna say there, Mark?

[Mark Norman]

Nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you got a big joke book last time.

[Candace August]

I did. But let me tell you this. When I got it, you had, like, some that were left over from the HEB center, and I never got one from the show that I was on. So if you can spare another one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? Here's an official one. It's your lucky day.

[Mark Norman]

It's like Angel Reese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Candace August]

Thank you, Tony.

[Ari Shaffir]

Good bucket pulls.

[Candace August]

You guys have a good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much. One more time for Candace August.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Candace August. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the show goes on.

[Show Announcer / Host]

It has to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We keep it moving.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We gotta do it. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Karen Jones.

[Benjamin Grell]

I got it.

[Karen Jones]

Some of you may remember me. I was falsely accused of storming the Capitol. I've been pardoned by President Trump. Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before I got the pardon. Still grateful. But while I was in prison, I was raped. Okay. Date raped. Okay. It was consensual. That's still very unpleasant. And yeah, okay, I was on house arrest. But it's terrible to be on house arrest because you can't leave. But I found out that you could leave for medical procedures. So I scheduled a mammogram, a pap smear, and a colonoscopy. And I'm telling you, it was as horrible as any other time. I've been raped, date raped, had sex and regretted it, whatever you want to call it. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Karen Jones, one of the most famous characters in the show's history. A wild.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some people would call her a batty woman.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tony, I. I know you said not to ask questions, but I got a question for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck?

[Karen Jones]

What? What the fuck?

[Mark Norman]

If you're here, who's going to take down the tiger king?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Mark?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Norman is on.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Norman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fire.

[Show Announcer / Host]

On fucking fire. You look like the woman who fired angel from the target. Or Candace, who is the last person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right, it was Candace.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Candace.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Karen Jones, give us an update. What's been going on in life? I sometimes, you know, hear about you. You come up a lot. I get reports Karen Jones is fucking doing this and that you're around.

[Karen Jones]

Well, I always try and be in the most interesting places I can be.

[Ari Shaffir]

Flower shops, plant stores, arboretums.

[Karen Jones]

Well, probably one of the biggest changes is I was in a little granny flat out in Dripping Springs on my son's property. He was going through a divorce. You remember my son, the real Alex Jones. And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going, Karen. Keep going. I think you had a stroke there for a second.

[Karen Jones]

No, no. But it could happen.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You're walking a blind guy with this story right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes.

[Show Announcer / Host]

So pick up the pace, Karen Jones.

[Karen Jones]

I have been known to clear the room, okay? But my son remarried and he remarried a very beautiful woman. And it turns out that five acres is not enough room for two women. So I've had to move. And I'm living out in Canyon Lake now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so let's really break it down.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your son's property, am I correct?

[Karen Jones]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He bought it.

[Karen Jones]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And somehow you made yourself so known, so present that they made you move somewhere else. Explain to us what a daily routine on a five acre ranch with Karen Jones is like.

[Karen Jones]

Well, when you're on house arrest, it's very limited, but normally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you have the whole five acres.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Five acres.

[Karen Jones]

I also had three kids I was taking care of and the main house. So I became the taking care of your son? No, his children.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, were you really under house arrest?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, everybody's with it except for you right now. You're the only person confused at all. The crowd is now wondering why you're confused.

[Ari Shaffir]

What's she under house arrest for?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Storming the Capitol.

[Charlie Mac]

I thought that was a joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, real fucking story.

[Show Announcer / Host]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is kill Tony,

[Show Announcer / Host]

All right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the only place you can meet real people that have stormed the Capitol other than Fox News.

[Karen Jones]

I did not. And if you recall, I said all along I was invited in. I was. I was invited in.

[Ari Shaffir]

The Capital has the vampire rules.

[Karen Jones]

The Capital is. Is normally open.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The door was open.

[Karen Jones]

We asked permission to go in. And my husband had never been inside the rotunda.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or no better time than January 6, 2021.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Right on cue.

[Karen Jones]

But what happened is they invited us in. And I took a plea deal. So I couldn't speak as freely on your show. But that's why I got the 90 days. My lawyer was shocked. I didn't just get probation, but I told too much. Like I told that no police had died, only J6ers. And so I got it.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Cool nickname, by the way.

[Karen Jones]

Well, we went to Memorial day to a J6 reunion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J6 reunion. Oh, my God.

[Mark Norman]

Holy shit.

[Show Announcer / Host]

This bitch knows how to party.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, she does. The crowd goes wild.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wild.

[Karen Jones]

Well, because they believe me that we were invited in and we were. We were trapped. Maybe not all of them, but enough people know now, but I can say this without being arrested for perjuring myself on my statement of facts and deal I signed. But they invited us in, and then they trapped us, and they hit me really hard with a billy club in the stomach, and then they sprayed the ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If they wanted you to get out of there, they should have just invited your son. Mom, there's just not enough room here at the Capitol for you. We gotta move you to a completely different ranch tens and tens of miles away. So do you still make it back to. Have you been to the Capitol since?

[Karen Jones]

No, just the Texas Capitol. And they're very nice. Even when I was on free trial, they let me in. They're open on Sunday. Texas had such a nice capital, and Washington, D.C. used to be nicer, but it's really went to hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, yep, it sure has.

[Show Announcer / Host]

It sure has.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just with the Congress, like, the Congress inside of it, if you ask me.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What did you do after Dennis Jimenez stole your cookies?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good question.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Thanks.

[Mark Norman]

Me, I can't believe Willie Nelson transitioned.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Unbelievable. Really doing it. Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Karen, anything else crazy going on in your life that we should know about?

[Karen Jones]

Well, you know, I was trying to decide whether or not I should go with the J6 stuff, because I have been going to open mics regularly, and I've been working on my gay material.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't we hear one of your gay jokes? I want to hear what I hear.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Do you want to hear one of her gay jokes?

[Aldo Caldo]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we do.

[Karen Jones]

I'll give you a bit of my gay Minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Karen Jones]

It's that I told all my kids growing up I didn't want them to be damaged. So I always told them that if I find out you're gay, I just won't be able to love you as much. It's nothing personal, but we all know that homosexuality is caused by overbearing, castrating, ball busting bitch moms. And I'm not gonna let one of you make me look like a bad mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow. I like her.

[Mark Norman]

Put her in the arena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This might be my favorite.

[Ari Shaffir]

This might be my favorite bucket pole of all time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. She is a legend. She is a legend in Kiltoni.

[Karen Jones]

Well, you probably missed me talking about your ball sack on Joke World, but you're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Show Announcer / Host]

What the fuck?

[Karen Jones]

Last time I was in here, I saw his balls. Well, I wasn't in here. It was in LA actually. And I was. I was doing interviews for Joke World and I've actually seen them a few times now. And I said if I were you, I would keep them in my pants because my husband is 73 years old and he has better looking balls. The whole deal. My husband looks better.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There they are. Oh, jesus.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God,

[Karen Jones]

My husband. Yeah, that's awful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, my.

[Benjamin Grell]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Karen Jones]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Happy pride.

[Karen Jones]

It's nothing I haven't seen before.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yoni cancel my postmates order.

[Karen Jones]

No, the bad thing is, is after my husband sees this episode, he'll be like walking around with his dick swinging. It's funny when you get older, your dick gets bigger because of gravity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Except for Aries, obviously.

[Karen Jones]

Oh, can you imagine what they're gonna look like in 75? 3. That's scary.

[Mark Norman]

Well, he's already 72, so.

[Charlie Mac]

Come on, Mark.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my. By the way, I don't. Okay, Red band. Okay, Red band. Ball's red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band's actually got a point. It is covered in weird balloon knot hemorrhoids. It is normal hemorrhoids. Very disgusting. Ari, your penis to balls ratio always shocks. It is absolutely never understand is wild. It's like some type of animal.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Like some type of weird creature you shoved into that zipper pocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's very bizarre.

[Benjamin Grell]

Gold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is the one of the weirdest ball sacks. It appears as though it looks cancerous, by the way.

[Karen Jones]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever get it checked out?

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll get it checked. I have not. I have not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you had a prostate exam?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, well, it was a hooker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Karen Jones, you are Always such an unbelievably entertaining interview. Thank you again. Here's the big one for you.

[Karen Jones]

Yeah, I caught it. Not like those other chicks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

[Show Announcer / Host]

There she goes. Karen Jones, everyone. Goodbye, Karen. Great to see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you, Karen. Get the out.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Get the out of here, Karen. Jesus Christ. Tell another 45 minute story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. I'd let her storm my capital. Am I right? Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Aldo Caldo. All right, one more time for Aldo, everybody. I guess there's no fucking music here tonight. All right.

[Aldo Caldo]

I love my women How I love my coffee Sliding off the roof of

[Show Announcer / Host]

my car

[Aldo Caldo]

Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin boy group band called Menudo. Yeah, Men nude.

[Benjamin Grell]

Oh.

[Aldo Caldo]

We used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold out shows. And I used to think to myself, wow, I made it. I really made it. I remember I came home with my first million in pesos. It was like the best hundred bucks I ever made. People would always ask me, hey, Aldo, how did you know who was going to be the next Menudo? Because they would get molested and then get kicked out or hit puberty. Was it always the cute one that would say. No? It was always the Menudos that set their microphones up like this. He was the next Ricky Martin. Gracias.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

De nada. Aldo Caldo. That must crush it. Taco stands all across the country. Very Latino material, you know, gotta represent. Okay. All right, there's a couple of people.

[Ari Shaffir]

Store set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, hey.

[Show Announcer / Host]

With the.

[Aldo Caldo]

With the. That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Aldo, what do you do for work?

[Aldo Caldo]

I tour. I'm a musician. I'm a musical comedian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how long have you been doing stand up?

[Aldo Caldo]

About eight years, off and on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because you've been playing music your whole life?

[Aldo Caldo]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You started with an accordion like a typical Mexican?

[Aldo Caldo]

No, I'm actually started on piano and guitar and I kind of now play.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you special. What do you specialize in now?

[Aldo Caldo]

Right now? Guitar and guitar and bass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Aldo Caldo]

Acoustic or electric, whatever the gig calls for right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get this guitar out here.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Let's get him a guitar. The beautiful Heidi with a guitar ready to go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no covers, Aldo. It's got to be an original song. You gotta.

[Aldo Caldo]

All right, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It sound good.

[Show Announcer / Host]

None of that. Gypsy King.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we don't want to have to give our money to YouTube. Oh, they're. This is. They're communicating back here. They're calling out the play.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah, let's do this. We on Kill Tony Funny mother, bad bitches only we on Kill Tony Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony we are on Kill Tony Rolling out of checked his honest golden pony we on Kill Tony. Guitar went out.

[Charlie Mac]

Yeah.

[Aldo Caldo]

Let me see. Put your hands together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say, kill Tony. Kill Tony. All right. You're not singing or playing the instrument. That's just my band doing really good stuff.

[Show Announcer / Host]

That was God taking control of that moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a switch or something? Matt Muling, what would you do to get that guitar to work?

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, you didn't really play that, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, not really.

[Ari Shaffir]

Not really. It was more lyrical.

[Aldo Caldo]

Let's talk to Gibson to get one that works.

[Mark Norman]

All right, I'm gonna get Ice on the phone.

[Aldo Caldo]

Ice is on the phone. They're waiting for me outside right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Aldo Caldo]

I shouldn't even be here right now. You know, I'm just proud to be allowed.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Where should you be? Where else would you rather be?

[Aldo Caldo]

I come from a law enforcement family. They're all CIA.

[Ari Shaffir]

You should be on a deportation.

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. Are you just one in the middle of an answer with two other people talking?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go, Ari. Every time he pulls out that giant tiny of his, he gets real excited. By all means, Aldo Caldo. I gotta get something juicy out of this interview, man. Give us a. A real interesting fun fact about your life.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Something fun?

[Aldo Caldo]

I recently almost had a felony charge for having weed down in the South Valley. South Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, we've all been there. How about something else? What else? Anybody who's had any weed in South Texas has almost been up something else.

[Aldo Caldo]

I have a day named after me, like Deep Madness, okay. For doing music here out of Texas, Representing the Latino Music association here in Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a day. What day is it?

[Aldo Caldo]

November 15th. I also turned it into a festival called the Caldo festival. Help feed 3,000 families.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Aldo Caldo]

With caldo, you know, soup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Aldo Caldo]

So, yeah, so, you know, I'm trying to get back to the people that gave to me. So. Representing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Nice of you to give the soup out instead of eating it yourself.

[Aldo Caldo]

Hey, well, I ate a lot of it. I gotta test it all, man.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What's your favorite soup?

[Aldo Caldo]

Caldo de all of them. Caldo de carino? No, Caldo de reyes.

[Francisco Rincon]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Aldo.

[Show Announcer / Host]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna get you out of here. Here's a medium sized joke book. There goes Aldo. Thank you so much, everybody.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now it's time for one of our regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, this man has been an absolute juggernaut since his arrival here in the Kil Tony world. He is without a doubt one of the most legendary regulars of all time. And soon to be, without a doubt, a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Madden.

[Charlie Mac]

What's up?

[Ari Madden]

So, speaking of small dicks,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

when are

[Ari Madden]

we getting big dicks, huh? Isn't it crazy? There's no developments at all? Yo, Elon Musk. Fuck you. I don't give a fuck about Mars. Where's my big black cock?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't it crazy?

[Ari Madden]

Katy Perry's in orbit before. I have a big hawk. And I've looked into it. No progress. The only thing you can get

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

is

[Ari Madden]

you go to Mexico and they don't make you a big Dick. You pay 60 grand and what they do, they remove your lower abdominal muscles to, like, excavate more dick out of you. $60,000 for an extra two inches. Hey, I don't need two inches. Great, now we're at four.

[Charlie Mac]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Ari. Ari. Matty has done it again, everybody.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Believable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Ari Madden]

What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony?

[Show Announcer / Host]

What's up, Ari?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are big re. Maddie fans.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Huge, huge Maddie fans. Oh, my God. Ari. How's it been going? What have you been up to?

[Ari Madden]

I went to New Orleans yesterday. You're from there, right?

[Charlie Mac]

Wow.

[Ari Madden]

Wow.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Mark Norman is from there.

[Ari Madden]

Dude, New Orleans. If only the French would see what you guys did to that city. Dude, I went on Bourbon Street. The smells.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Madden]

Dude, I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose. Do you know how bad a place has to be for an Indian man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Candice August showing her husband around her old hometown.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yep. Taking them back to see the sights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Ari, how's life? What else is going on? Anything crazy?

[Neil Rubenstein]

I don't know.

[Ari Madden]

Yeah, we went to Mobile, Alabama and then New Orleans. The power went out during the show. Four times in Mobile, Alabama.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Ari Madden]

And they just go, ah. Mobile,

[Show Announcer / Host]

Alabama, Alabama, not known for its electricity. Ari, what's your love life like?

[Mark Norman]

Two tonys, two aries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Charlie Mac]

Oh.

[Ari Madden]

Two tony's, two aries, one mark.

[Mark Norman]

There's got to be another autistic out there, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Madden]

You know, Ari, I also have huge balls.

[Show Announcer / Host]

It's crazy.

[Ari Madden]

What's what?

[Ari Shaffir]

But prove it.

[Ari Madden]

No, I'm scared. I'm scared. No, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Listen, are you like. Are you like Ari? Is it. Are you mostly balls?

[Ari Madden]

It's 95% balls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow.

[Ari Madden]

Literally my dick looks like it's chilling on a bean bag. Dude, it's fucking my whole

[Luke Lawrence]

dick look.

[Mark Norman]

It's coming the out of of a Jew tunnel.

[Ari Madden]

My dick looks like it owes my balls money. And now they're all at the atm.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What does an Estonian dick smell like?

[Ari Madden]

It's clean and white.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Sorry, weird question, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a very weird question. What does an Estonian dick smell like? No, I'm kidding.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Good question. Me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No. We've been having a lot of fun. We've been drinking, having a blast around the city.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yeah.

[Ari Madden]

I have a problem, man.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You what?

[Luke Lawrence]

I have a problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep yep yep yep. Drink every day, baby.

[Mark Norman]

We were there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've been having a lot of fun. Yeah, it's so much fun working hard and playing hard.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You can do both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We can do both.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What else is going. Fuck. All right, that's my. I'm getting. Cigarettes are tough.

[Mark Norman]

You guys look like Siegfried and Roy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this place is absolutely wild. Ari, you did it again.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You did it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are the man. Thank you. Unbelievable.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You'll get your citizenship soon. Great to see Ari. There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it goes on and on.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Back to the bucket we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Benjamin girl. Benjamin.

[Benjamin Grell]

Hello. How are you ladies? Are you sick of your man's wrinkled old fucking ball sack? That hairy old dusty nutsack? Well, I got something for you. It's called Scrotox. It's Botox for your testicles. I don't care if you like the red socks, the white socks or don't even wear fucking socks for a smooth nut sack tomorrow. Use Scrotox today. It also removes hair for the ultimate teabagging experience. Your lady will be looking forward to that. My cousin recently married a Chinese girl. At the wedding. Wedding reception. They had this beautiful lasso apps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let him go, let him go, let him go. You can finish, Benjamin. You got to keep it going. Keep going.

[Benjamin Grell]

They had this beautiful lasso apsu souffle that was out of this world. They had poodle kebabs on a brioche bun, beagle burgers and leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce. I never believed that shit, but I do now. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

Good thing you made it finish.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Benjamin is a legend, believe it or not. Much like Karen Jones in this show's history. Yes, and for the same reason as Karen Jones. He is not necessarily known for his stand up during the minute long sets, but my God, if this isn't one of the the greatest interviewees in the history of the show famous for being able to somehow tap into a story that is a thousand times funnier than anything he says during the stand up part. It's happened before. The legendary story of him stealing a man's television while he made himself a sandwich was told on the show. We've heard of him having many hangs with the Night Stalker.

[Benjamin Grell]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually, some other highlights as well.

[Benjamin Grell]

Well, well, he has his son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Benjamin Grell]

They call him Little Richard. Good golly Miss Molly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, never mind. Like I said, his jokes aren't really that good, but if we can guide him into accidentally telling a story that he never thought that he would say. You have anything else up your sleeve? Benjamin, you've had so many highlight moments on the interview part. I mean, we're really pushing it here. This is like staying in Vegas when you're already winning. You signed up again. You're famous for tapping into unbelievable stories.

[Benjamin Grell]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anything that we should know that you haven't told us before? You must have been kicking something around in your head.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Something fun.

[Benjamin Grell]

Yeah. I get another story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Benjamin Grell]

I have another story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Francisco Rincon]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's this story about?

[Benjamin Grell]

It's about when I was a drug dealer, I owed these Italian guys in New York $80,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, great. Let's. Wow.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Let's fucking go. Yep.

[Benjamin Grell]

And I didn't have any money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us the right lighting here, Kino. Benjamin owes Italians in New York $80,000. He didn't have enough money. And here he goes. This. This Benjamin Grant.

[Benjamin Grell]

Yeah. This was at the height of my heroin addiction. That's why I spent their $80,000. Well, actually had nothing to do with heroin. It was my coke dealer. I actually owed him $80,000, and he owed the Italians $80,000. And there were four other guys that owed him about $100,000. So I owed him the least. And their theory was, if they killed me to set an example, the other people would pay up. Actually, I only owe him $60,000, but my girlfriend owed him $20,000. And she was a UCSB student and she used to sell weed for me. And they wanted to put her in a cat house up in Reno to work off her 20 grand. And she's like, I'm a vegan. What are you talking about? I'm going to graduate this year. And so I absorbed her 20 grand, which brought mine up to 80. And my friend whose name is. We'll call him. We'll call him Jason because that was his name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is what I'm talking about.

[Show Announcer / Host]

We're doing It. Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. We're doing it. Keep going, Benjamin.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Go ahead.

[Benjamin Grell]

Yeah, he was a. He's a rich kid from Santa Barbara. His dad was like the president of the Santa Barbara Stock Exchange or something. But he wasn't a good drug dealer. And from hanging around with me, he got strung out on heroin. And he didn't get along too good with the Mexicans in the neighborhood. And I got along great with him until I accidentally burnt one of the houses down. I just meant to blow up the car, but I used too much gasoline. And the driveway had a little incline to it. And the gasoline went around the house and, you know, shit happens. I didn't expect the house to catch fire. I'm going off track. This has nothing to do with the Italians. Hi, Mike. Yeah. Well, these are. We'll call these guys the Rodriguez brothers, because that was their name. And they were cool guys. They were honest, honest drug dealers. You give them money, they brought the drugs back. And none of them were home this particular day except their one brother, Jesse. And he had just got out of jail like two days before that. And I figured he was cool like the rest of the brothers. So I gave him six grand for an ounce of heroin. And while we were talking about the heroin, he showed me this vintage car that he was working on. And he was really proud of this car. So anyway, I gave him the money. And after an hour, he didn't come back. He left me in his little shack behind his parents house. I'm waiting for him. After two hours, he didn't come back. And I finally realized his motherfucker ripped me off. And it was Jason's money, my friend Jason, the coke dealer. So I had to go back and tell him, hey, I lost the money. I fucking got ripped off. And he's like, holy shit, the Italians are coming. We have to get all this money together. So he said, what are you gonna do? I said, I don't know, but it's fucked up. He said, I'm gonna go blow his car up. Went to the gas station, got a gallon of gas. No, I used to blow cars up a lot when I was a teenager. The older guys, they didn't want to make payments anymore, so they would, you know, give me 50 bucks and the keys to their car. And they'd say, you know, drive it around for a week, have fun, and then burn it. So I did. First time I did it, I didn't realize you're supposed to leave a trail. And I poured gas all over the place. You know, they Said, put in the engine compartment, the trunk, the interior, and, you know, then throw a match at it. But they didn't tell me to make a trail. So I was standing like, you know, six inches away from the fucking car. I'm like, I know all my hair burns, my fucking eyebrows, my eyelashes, my hair. I go back to the donut shop. Oh, yeah. And they said, wait, wait, wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on one second. Where'd this donut shop come from?

[Benjamin Grell]

No donut shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay, go ahead, go ahead.

[Benjamin Grell]

I went back to the donut shop. My big book is filled too, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, just keep going. Talk about that later.

[Show Announcer / Host]

It's almost tomorrow, so.

[Benjamin Grell]

And they said, make sure you bring the keys back. If you don't bring the keys back, the insurance company will. They won't. They won't collect. And I forgot the keys in the ignition. As soon as I go back to the donut shop, they say, you got the keys? And I went, ah, shit. I forgot the keys. And they're like, what the fuck happened to your hair? I said, I got burnt, you know? So the next day, we went to look at the car where they towed it, and everything was melted. The dashboard, the steering wheel. The keys were like a puddle down there. Nothing there. Anyways, that's a different story.

[Mike Holloway]

About.

[Benjamin Grell]

About Jesse's. Jesse's. I shouldn't have used their real name because they might still be around. These guys, they're gonna be pissed off when they see this, because the very next day, after the house caught fire, I went right back, knocked on the door. I'm like, what the fuck? Your brother ripped me off last night. What happened to your house? And then some blew it up. My brother's been ripping everybody off, you know, and people are pissed off anyway, so that was that. So back to the Italians.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Here we go.

[Benjamin Grell]

So Jason's. Jason said, hey, you guys gotta pay up. The Italians are coming. He was saying this for like six fucking months. And he was a wimp. You know, he'd go to school, heroin. He called me one day crying from downtown. He said, the fucking Mexicans took my BMW. What the hell? I told you not to go down there without me. He goes down there with his, you know, tennis shirt and his sweater tied around his neck. You know how fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. Keep going.

[Benjamin Grell]

Santa Barbara, Castle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. Back to the Italians.

[Benjamin Grell]

Back to the Italians. So anyway, he said, the Italians are coming. The Italians are coming. And we're like, yeah, yeah, fuck you, Jason. And so finally, I'm at my house one day, my girlfriend was sitting there about 6 o' clock at night, and there's a knock on the door. I open the door and there's this little guy, looked like Joe Pesci with an Afro. And he goes, hey, I'm Frank and this is my friend Bubba, this big muscle guy. He said, we're here to discuss your bill with Jason. I'm going, oh, fuck. The Italians, they're here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Italians have finally arrived. For those of you that have completely fallen asleep six minutes ago, yeah, the Italians there have arrived.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I got.

[Benjamin Grell]

I got distracted. The Italians are here and they're saying, come on, we're going to take you out for dinner. We want to talk about how you're going to pay us back. And I'm like, you know, I'm really not hungry. I just ate. And my girlfriend's going, like, don't go. You'll never come back. You know, she's the one that owned the 20 grand. So anyway, I did. We went with the Italians and they said, you know, we're talking about how I'm going to pay him back. I said, look, I don't. I don't even fucking deal drugs anymore. I'm just a fucking strung out junkie. And, you know, one day at a time keep coming back. And so finally,

[Mark Norman]

I'll pay you 80 grand to finish the story.

[Benjamin Grell]

Hey, all right.

[Show Announcer / Host]

And I'll double that money if you tell me where Gabby Petito is.

[Benjamin Grell]

So anyway, I talked them into letting me. My girlfriend got a job in San Francisco for Chevron. And I told him, look, I got a job at this restaurant in San Francisco. You guys let me leave town and I'll send you guys like two grand a month. You know, I didn't have a job in San Francisco. I lied. So anyway, they said, okay, you go to San Francisco, you send us that money. If you don't send us that money, we're going to come up there and fucking use you. Set an example for the other guys. So they'll pay up. And I'm saying, well, yeah, if you kill me, you won't get the money. They said, yeah, but it'll, you know, give them the impetus to pay the rest of the money. And they owe a lot more than you do. It was like a half a million altogether. Okay, so anyway, I'm in San Francisco two, three months go by. I didn't send anything. I didn't talk to him or anything. And one day I'm in bed and I hear I'm dreaming of a fire crackling, you know, firewood and cracking fire. Like 6am in the morning. My girlfriend was visiting her parents in Santa Barbara. So I was alone. And it wasn't. It wasn't a fire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're dreaming.

[Benjamin Grell]

And then, and then I thought it was a fireplace. But what it was in reality was my door to the apartment being cracked open. The wood actually cracked right down the middle. And I see these big guys go walking by my door. Big guns, T shirts, jeans, tennis shoes, fucking. And then 1, 2, 3. And the fourth one, the fourth one, look to the bedroom and he's going, ah, he's in here. Next thing I know, I sit up like that, there's three guys on my bed.

[Mark Norman]

Come on, this is kill Tony, not Rogan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So then what happened, Ben? The Italians are finally here. 20 minutes into the story. Yeah, pour them into your freedom.

[Benjamin Grell]

They. One of them straddled me and the other two are standing on my hands. Later on they told me they thought I was reaching for a gun. That's why they did that. And the one in the middle put the fucking gun in my mouth. Chipped my tooth. Pull the hammer back and I'm going, okay, this is it. I'm gonna fucking be dead. Then a guy comes in the doorway in a three piece suit with a tie, pulls out a fucking badge and he goes, ben Grelly? I said, yeah. He goes, dea, you're under arrest. So it wasn't the Italians.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You, you got busted for being a heroin dealer and addict.

[Benjamin Grell]

Jason got busted in Santa Barbara. And he had my name and address in his book, my telephone number and the other four guys, all their names and addresses. And he was always telling us, use code, don't use my name, blah, blah, blah this shit. And he didn't do it all his own direction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ben, is there like something big coming? Is that it?

[Benjamin Grell]

No, that's not it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. That's it.

[Benjamin Grell]

No, there's more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, let's get to that stuff real quick anyway.

[Benjamin Grell]

Yeah, well, they picked me up out of bed, I had my fucking boxes on which happened to have marijuana leaves emblazoned all over them. And they had me in the kitchen and they were looking for coke because they said, you owe him 80 grand. And I'm like, no, I owed him $80. You guys are fucked up. You didn't do your homework. It's $80, not 80 grand. He paid for my Frank Zappa ticket. I just made up this ticket. We didn't go to sleep rings after all. Anyway, so the Santa Barbara cops flew up from Santa Barbara and the DEA

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ben, you might have to finish it next time. It's a little too long.

[Benjamin Grell]

Okay, long story short, I didn't talk.

[Charlie Mac]

You can't do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, go ahead. Don't let him do it. Let him do it now. Let him do it.

[Mark Norman]

I'd rather listen to Biden.

[Benjamin Grell]

I didn't. I didn't talk. And the Italians actually did. The head Italian called me up. He said, you're the only one that didn't fucking rat on us. Everybody else talked. He had the fucking transcripts. And I said, well, what about the 80 grand? He says, Forget about the 80 grand. We had a good day yesterday. And that was it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right. Here's a big joke book, Ben. Thank you so much. Congratulations, Benjamin Grell. Wow. All right.

[Show Announcer / Host]

All

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now. D. Wow. Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi, the lovely Heidi cleanses our palette from the unbelievable dreadful story of Benjamin Gr.

[Ari Shaffir]

It was gripping and nothing at the same time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's really good at it. But that one didn't really have the. Didn't have the twists and turns it normally does.

[Mark Norman]

No, that was like the Irishman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Luke Lawrence, everybody.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Is Luke Lawrence, everybody. Here he goes.

[Luke Lawrence]

I know I'm not. I'm not a confident guy and I know I'm not a hot guy, but I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieved when they walk in my apartment. Like, I know I'm not like a hard day's work, you know what I mean? But I'm going to give her a run for her money.

[Mike Holloway]

For sure.

[Benjamin Grell]

For sure.

[Luke Lawrence]

I got a crazy little message from my ex girlfriend, my friend's ex girlfriend,

[Mark Norman]

a little while ago.

[Luke Lawrence]

She texted me. She's like, hey, Tyler just died. And I'm like, holy fuck. And she's like, yeah, he just told me he loved me and his picture. My best friend having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately because she couldn't find it right after he died. And all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he dies. Nope. Things aren't always the best they can be. Sometimes you get fucking cheated on and, you know your friends try to support you sometimes when you get cheated on. My best friend's literally just like, yo, man, she's for the streets. She's not. She's native. She's for the land.

[Red Band]

That's it.

[Luke Lawrence]

Holy fuck, that was terrible. Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you got. What the fuck You Nailed it there at the end. You are correct. That was terrible.

[Francisco Rincon]

Wow.

[Show Announcer / Host]

All you had to do was get one laugh, dude.

[Luke Lawrence]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All you had to do was hilarious. Okay, so, Luke Lawrence, how long you been doing stand up?

[Luke Lawrence]

Oh, too long for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Luke Lawrence]

Long for that. I only do once a week, though, because I live in Newfoundland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Luke Lawrence]

So I own the only comedy club in Newfoundland and it's. And it's only host comedy one night a week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

That's going to close after this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, dude.

[Luke Lawrence]

They tried to cancel my show. They kind of cancel my comedy club. But you. Like two weeks ago. It was crazy for what we hosted. We hosted the Danger Cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what's that?

[Luke Lawrence]

It's a group in. It's a comedy troupe in.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, it's the number one comedy. I grew up in Canada, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

About this. The Danger.

[Luke Lawrence]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it. It's a Canadian.

[Luke Lawrence]

Canadian comic troop. They're coming down here in a few weeks. But yeah, got. They were like. Apparently they're like tied to like Neo Nazis or some. I don't know. It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, right, right.

[Luke Lawrence]

And then the woke people were all flipping out and saying that I was like affiliate with it. I was like, Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Francisco Rincon]

Yeah.

[Show Announcer / Host]

You dress like you coach a Nazi basketball league.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Why Newfoundland?

[Luke Lawrence]

That's where I was born.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And. Okay.

[Luke Lawrence]

And then I moved. I moved. I moved to Toronto. I was living in Toronto for a while and then the pandemic happened and then like everybody in Toronto cared about the pandemic and I went back to Newfoundland because it's like I was one of the last people to see the submersible leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean by that?

[Luke Lawrence]

I have a boat and I was like hanging out on the boat and I seen the submersible go away. They can get the Titan submersible.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Ah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotcha.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Yeah, Gotcha.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's hilarious.

[Ari Shaffir]

You knew which one?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Luke Lawrence]

I own a comedy club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Mike Holloway]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope.

[Show Announcer / Host]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one believes you. How do you make money?

[Luke Lawrence]

I own. I fucking. I just. I have a couple businesses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are the other businesses?

[Luke Lawrence]

The other business of production company and I'm also a screenwriter and I. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much money have you made screenwriting?

[Luke Lawrence]

Too much to talk about on the show, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Luke Lawrence]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you written anything that we've seen?

[Luke Lawrence]

I got a movie called Party Pirate that's on Amazon prime right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Party Pirate.

[Luke Lawrence]

Party Pirate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where my Party Pirate fans at?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Party Pirates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've seen it?

[Luke Lawrence]

It's got surprisingly good ratings. I Don't know. Canada. Editing. They just made the movie so shitty, I think. But like, what is party? My opinion, like, literally, like, it was just like every time I submitted a script, they're like this, gotta get him out. It's got to come out. And I'm like, sakes, man. Jesus Christ. It's not the same thing I tried to put out there, but that's it

[Ari Shaffir]

is is party pilot about an Asian guy who flies planes.

[Luke Lawrence]

I didn't even hear what you said. What did you say? What happened earlier in the show. That I'm not getting nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. It was right there in the moment because that's how Asians. Yeah.

[Benjamin Grell]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talk. This episode is brought to you by Incogni and to code. So tell us something crazy about your life here. We're trying to figure something out.

[Luke Lawrence]

I know I have a lot of near death experiences.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Lawrence]

Yeah. I've almost died a bunch of times. Like a lot too often. One of them got 30 million views in a day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened?

[Luke Lawrence]

I drove a side by side, a four seater side by side off like a seven story cliff. And I then I wrote it off, walked away immediately. And then the cartel were just like, you owe us $50,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, the Italians are coming now.

[Luke Lawrence]

The cartel, the Mexican cartel.

[Ari Shaffir]

Do you count? Tonight is one of the nights you almost died.

[Luke Lawrence]

I bond on stage. Yeah. It's terrible. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Are there. Do you have audiences? Are you used to performing in front of other human beings? Yeah, yeah.

[Luke Lawrence]

Those jokes. Are those. Those three jokes, like, they're the most performed, like, best performance ones.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What the was that sentence you just said?

[Luke Lawrence]

I know. I've. I've got this fluency too. I've got a bunch of disabilities, so it's like you can't tell.

[Show Announcer / Host]

But what we all do. What is your. What is your best joke that you could tell right now?

[Luke Lawrence]

It's not quick. Like, trying to perform, like trying to like get a minute is so much harder than trying to do like a three minute setter and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Because you have long setups. Right.

[Luke Lawrence]

Yeah, you're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I am right.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Mike Holloway]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna keep it moving here. Here's a little joke book. Newfoundland.

[Luke Lawrence]

Christ. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, everybody's sad. I mean, he's doesn't have any. There's nothing to talk about. There he goes. We're gonna keep it moving along. Keep it moving.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Back to the bucket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back to the bucket. This is surprisingly our ninth bucket pool of the night. We've been flying through it here tonight. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Okay.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah, Hi. Hi, everybody. Yeah, I'm Neil Rubenstein. People mispronounce it all the time, too. Rubenstein. Rubenstein Goldberg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fine.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I'm named after my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein. But I know that wasn't his name, you know, because he came over from Poland in the 1930s. So his name was like a bunch of C's and Z's. No vowels, inside out, K for some reason. And just the immigration guys couldn't read it. They're like, what are you showing me, a WI FI password? Like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today. You're gonna be Norman from now on. He said, my last name is Joe Norman Rubenstein. You guys made me nervous. Holy shit. We're giving a hell out of Normans today. He'll be Norman from now on. Norman Rubenstein. He said, my last name is Jones. Like, not anymore, Jew. And they just shoved him back down the stairs. That's how it was for us. Never been a good time in history for the Jews. No one's ever like, oh, you're Jewish. Right this way. You know. Well, once. Stepped on the. Well, once, but all right, that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neil Rubenstein. Hello, Neil.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Hello, Neil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on this show before, right?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah. And it went better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it went better last time.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah, it's all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think went wrong tonight? You said that we. I got nervous.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I switched because he brought up Jew right away. Who? Whoever said Jew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think they were yelling at Ari.

[Francisco Rincon]

Yeah.

[Charlie Mac]

Also.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah. You know, because Mark looks Jewish. So I was like, all right, I guess we'll do juju.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or there's the rabbi in the middle here that you haven't seemed to notice. This Yiddish overlord.

[Mark Norman]

Quite the matzo balls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The final boss of Auschwitz, the video game here, Ari Shuffier.

[Mark Norman]

You look like you eat Jews.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah, yeah, you look.

[Ari Shaffir]

You look more like Rubenesque.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah, he did that last time. He did the Ruben. The Reuben sandwich.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you don't have to. Yeah, the people are. Let the new people make the same jokes that everybody thinks when they see you. It should be a barometer to let you know exactly what people think.

[Show Announcer / Host]

How long have you managed the Animal Band at Chuck E. Cheese?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, Neil?

[Show Announcer / Host]

What do you do?

[Neil Rubenstein]

I just do this, mostly, surprisingly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you make money doing this?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Like doing shows, road shows, and then also SiriusXM royalties and YouTube stuff from

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a show you have on SiriusXM?

[Neil Rubenstein]

No, the record.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a record out that's Right.

[Neil Rubenstein]

And it's in, like, regular rotations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a musician?

[Neil Rubenstein]

No, comedy album out. Oh, yeah. Concerning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up again?

[Neil Rubenstein]

10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 years. And you're making money doing this?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah. I mean, not a ton. Not as much as you guys, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, you're goddamn right. I bought my own clone.

[Show Announcer / Host]

I have a hot tub in my bathtub.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do have a hot tub in my bath.

[Show Announcer / Host]

I know. That's why I said it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neil, since this isn't going hilarious.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go the other direction. Tell me, what's not the saddest one thing in your life of all time? Like, what's some type of trauma that you're dealing with, makes you cry?

[Neil Rubenstein]

I. I tend to talk about my parents deaths a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What happened there exactly? They.

[Neil Rubenstein]

My mom died just a month after my dad.

[Ari Shaffir]

And did you eat both of them?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so how did they die?

[Neil Rubenstein]

My dad died. It was like concussive symptoms, but it was just like. He was just like an old man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was an old man.

[Neil Rubenstein]

And my mom died of leukemia, but we didn't believe her because she was

[Show Announcer / Host]

like a huge red band. Red band.

[Neil Rubenstein]

She was a huge hypochondriac, so we didn't believe her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. So your mom was complaining that she was sick with something, and you guys didn't believe her, and then it turns out she had leukemia.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you must be dealing with the guilt of that.

[Neil Rubenstein]

No, not really. I mean, what. What the fuck? If I believed her, what would that change?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She would have gotten treated for leukemia.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Ever heard of chemotherapy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was already.

[Neil Rubenstein]

She was already, like, in the hospital, actually. Chemo. She had breast cancer. They gave her chemo. It gave her leukemia.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, she was in the hospital for cancer and you still did not believe her?

[Show Announcer / Host]

Where were you, the cafeteria?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yes. Yes.

[Show Announcer / Host]

I'm so sorry.

[Neil Rubenstein]

She was. Yeah, she. Because, like, she was always like, you know, I have fibromyalgia. We're like, like, what are the symptoms? Being mean to me, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, your mom was mean to you?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah. So then, like, yeah, so then she was in the hospital for leukemia and they were.

[Show Announcer / Host]

It's okay.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I don't know who's doing it, but it's great. Yeah, she was in the hospital and my sister was like, come see her. She's about to die. And we're like, yeah, we'll get there when we get there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what happened?

[Neil Rubenstein]

I got there, like, as she died,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, when you say as she died, like, because, like, there's a part where the heart stops.

[Neil Rubenstein]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, was it. Did you make it, or was it just afterwards you feel guilty about it?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Should I be doing bits or. No, no, she just. I wasn't asking you, dickhead. Yeah, she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, it seems like you're dealing with a lot of trauma here, and I am going to bring out someone special to talk with you right now. Don't worry. It's not your mom or dad. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat. Make some noise. Swinging in just to give a quick analysis of the great Neil Rubenstein. A very, very special treat. Make some noise for the great and powerful Dr. Drew, everybody. Wow. Legend of the game. The man, the myth. We know him. We love him. The great and powerful Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew. Grab Mark Norman's mic there or Neil's, whatever, and been using it enough. The great Neil Rubenstein ran late to the death of his mother, and he has problems dealing with it. He. He says that his mom picked on him. His parents died, and that's why he says he eats himself to death every day. Do you have any advice?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Taking some liberties with the story, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were there when your mom died?

[Neil Rubenstein]

Yeah, we watched. Yeah, we were there.

[Aldo Caldo]

And what happened?

[Neil Rubenstein]

No, we just.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She just died.

[Charlie Mac]

She just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, she.

[Neil Rubenstein]

You know, she was like. Just wanted her kids around her, and we all said goodbye, and she asked me to. You know, to make sure I make jokes about leukemia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, sometimes when your mom's a C, she does you a favor, because when she dies, you don't give a shit.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Nah, she wasn't. She wasn't.

[Ari Madden]

Oh, now we're defending them.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Well. Well, what am I supposed to do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So is there a food addiction here?

[Benjamin Grell]

Is.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Neil Rubenstein]

Just.

[Fuzzy]

Serious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Tell us about the food addiction, Neil. Go ahead.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I don't know if it's food. I guess it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's food.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Food, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Have there been other addictions?

[Neil Rubenstein]

I've fluctuated in my life. I am fat now. I'm also old now. I wasn't always that either. Yeah, I struggle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem like a very sensitive man.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I am a sensitive man.

[Ari Shaffir]

I see that.

[Neil Rubenstein]

I have rsd. Is that a thing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rsd? What's that?

[Show Announcer / Host]

I have hbo. Like, what is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really superb diet.

[Ari Madden]

Yeah.

[Neil Rubenstein]

No, yeah, yeah. I'm a sensitive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're boring everybody to death right now. Maybe I should meet with him backstage. You know what? That's actually a great. What is rsd, though?

[Neil Rubenstein]

I want to know what is rejective.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Jesus. Wow, the audience is wild here tonight.

[Red Band]

Wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some guy just yelled regenerative sucking dick. Just to show you the quality of the fan base we have here. He's now bowing. Christ, what an. Guys, make some noise. What a just a fun pleasure to get to call him out. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, the great American, Dr. Drewinsky, everybody.

[Benjamin Grell]

This is a legendary show tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We do love you. Thank you, Dr. Drew. We're so happy you swung by. You never know who you'll see here. There they go. They're going to have a little session. I'm just kidding, Dr. Drew. Go enjoy yourself. You can't help that man.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Dr. Drew, the only man who can wear a child's small shirt and make it look good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. Except for us. We do a good job too. What an episode. Did you guys have fun tonight?

[Show Announcer / Host]

This was so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, there's only one way to end an episode like this. And it is with the reigning defending hall of Famer, the record holder for all time appearances and interviews, a man who some people say is the Richard Pryor's favorite comedian. Some people say that when this man sleeps at night, he. God. Yes. What? Go ahead.

[Show Announcer / Host]

He dreams about Dane Cook. Bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Some people say that when he wakes up in the morning, Chuck Norris is afraid of him.

[Show Announcer / Host]

He's the only guy who wipes his butt after he pees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A man so hot that he cooks steak on his own thigh. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big Red machine, William Montgomery.

[Red Band]

And that is true. I do wipe my butt after I pee. In case of. Anyway, anytime I hear someone say, I didn't save my dog, my dog saved me. I'm like, you stole Lassie. Wait, were you drowning or. The children's show Sesame street is celebrating Pride month. And I'm going to be honest, I had no idea puppets had anuses. How about those people that say, I'd like to order an iced coffee, hold the ice. I want to go up and say, I'd like a blowjob, but hold the blow. And they go, wait, what? And then I'm like, I'm sorry, can I fill out an application? And on the eighth day, God created Aphex Twin. And Aphex Twin said, nah, we just need seven. And God was like, oh, my God,

[Show Announcer / Host]

he's such a genius.

[Red Band]

Okay, that's my time, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, William Montgomery. William Montgomery has done it again.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A long awaited Aphex Twin reference. It's been a while.

[Red Band]

Been forever. I started Listening to Apex Twin again, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you love it. What do you do when you listen Apex Twin? Have you been rowing?

[Red Band]

Fuck, yeah. Well, I'm at 980,000 meters, so on Wednesday, I'm going to hit a million meters, Tony. On the row machine. I got to get my A1C down. I'm pre diabetic, so that's why I'm doing a million meters on the row machine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gene. Wow, William.

[Ari Shaffir]

This is the first time I've ever seen long, short shorts.

[Red Band]

It's the first time.

[Benjamin Grell]

What?

[Ari Shaffir]

Shut up, man.

[Red Band]

I really didn't hear you.

[Ari Shaffir]

The short. All right.

[Red Band]

Oh, the short shorts.

[Show Announcer / Host]

William, what's your love life like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, no, William's on every week. Me. We know his love life.

[Show Announcer / Host]

That's.

[Red Band]

But, yeah, Tony, I started and finished a puzzle. I started it Friday, finished it on Sunday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what was the puzzle about?

[Red Band]

It was a hard one. We are talking. It was the table of a diner. It was a cheeseburger on there. It was two different types of pickles on there. It was a apple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep describing. Keep describing the things that were on the puzzle. There was a what? A cheeseburger?

[Red Band]

Yeah, there was the cheeseburger. I mean, for also talking apple pie. Couple straws of different colors. Those are kind of hard. Sorry, Tony. I just can't get into it tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't describe the things that were in the puzzle.

[Red Band]

I'm trying, but then it's like they were. I don't know

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what's going on, Willie.

[Red Band]

I don't really want to get into it right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, come on, Willy, Willy.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's just friends here.

[Red Band]

Well, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Tony. I haven't told anybody this, but I've been out on the road. I've been having a great time out on the road, but I've actually turned into a bug chaser. And that's somebody that has unprotected sex with people with like, HIV and stuff. And I'm getting my STD results tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Red Band]

So, seriously, I'm a little worried about it. And I have fucking high quality blood pressure. High A1C. I could have HIV.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else? What else might you have?

[Red Band]

I mean, they're thinking maybe a little gonorrhea. I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got herpes, don't he?

[Red Band]

So, did it all work?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. What else?

[Mark Norman]

Have you heard of rsd?

[Red Band]

Rsd?

[Mark Norman]

Regenerative Sucking Dick.

[Candace August]

Yeah,

[Mark Norman]

that was the last guy.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you said you were a bug chaser, I thought maybe you were chasing bugs.

[Red Band]

No, it's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you were gonna chase bugs. What kind of bugs would you chase?

[Show Announcer / Host]

What's your favorite bug?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are your favorite bugs?

[Red Band]

Oh, my gosh. I love little cicadas. They make really fun noises in the summertime. Just cicadas, Tony. That's all I can think about right now. I can only think. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Francisco Rincon]

What else?

[Red Band]

Hold on. What other bugs do I like?

[Mark Norman]

Beetles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, Redbad.

[Karen Jones]

Stop.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Ladybugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some guy just yelled delete. Yeah, ladybugs.

[Benjamin Grell]

What about.

[Show Announcer / Host]

What about lady boys? What's your love life like? We're doing it. Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you excited that there's two of me up here? William, you've done the show more than

[Red Band]

anybody else ever seen it. I love it, Tony. It really is nice having two beautiful men up here like y'.

[Benjamin Grell]

All.

[Red Band]

It really has been so nice. And y' all are laughing at the same time. And it's been so funny.

[Mark Norman]

And it's cool.

[Red Band]

I've loved it.

[Mark Norman]

Tony and the Zohan. It's a little reference.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Show Announcer / Host]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, William, anything else crazy going on that we should know about this?

[Red Band]

Just heading to Tampa, Florida. So we'll see how Tampa goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. Tampa.

[Benjamin Grell]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Ari Shaffir]

Why are you guys cheering for Tampa like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are your favorite cities, William?

[Red Band]

Oh, my gosh. I mean, I really love Portland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Named a liberal dumpster fire first in the middle of textbook. Another extremely liberal liberal conservative.

[Show Announcer / Host]

They love gay stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, that cigarette's out.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's beyond the filter. I've never seen someone smoke that far into a cigarette.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is wrong with me? William, anything else to name a few more bugs that you love? Huh?

[Show Announcer / Host]

A.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, someone. Yep.

[Red Band]

Why did that say Jacksonville? He said bugs. He's like, what kind of bugs? I'm trying to think of bugs. Bitch, I don't need to fucking. It's sure as shit not Jacksonville, you stupid bitch. For the fucking places I like.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Seriously.

[Red Band]

What the fuck is that, you stupid bitch. I'm already. Obviously having a really hard time up here tonight. Seriously. I got to go to the fucking doctor tomorrow, you stupid bitch. Almost did a million fucking meters on the row machine. I'm sure your stupid ass couldn't touch that, you stupid bitch. You're probably horribly out of shape. I've been doing it every day.

[Mike Holloway]

You

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery, Done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, this episode brought to you by Incogni Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman. Tell us your What's. What's shaking the pods? You're on tour. What's the website for tickets?

[Mark Norman]

Hey, marknormancomedy.com get some chance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Allah.

[Mark Norman]

Creep it up. Comedy.

[Show Announcer / Host]

The great Ari Shafir. Where are you? Where are you at?

[Ari Shaffir]

Mark Norman's filming a special November in Boulder, Colorado. Everyone come see that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Plugging Mark Norman's special taping six months out. Yeah, any are you up to anything?

[Ari Shaffir]

I've got a new podcast called you be tripping. Got over 20 listeners.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. We always love it. The protect our parks boys are in town.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Go see them on the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love them.

[Show Announcer / Host]

We love them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we love us.

[Show Announcer / Host]

We love us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love me.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Come see me on the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, indeed. Believe it or not, everybody, you're not going to believe this, but this actually isn't me. It's Adam Ray, everyone. Kill Tony hall of famer, guest of the year, Multi, multi, multi. Character legend. And now, I must admit, this is indeed my new favorite character. Joe Biden, Dr. Phil, I mean, Jeremy, Elaine, Adam Ray and all the greats. And now, Tony Hinchcliffe has joined the fray. Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. I must say, while we've always had a guest of the year, I'd like to announce that this year we will have the first ever host of the year award here on this show. And there are only two nominees and they're both. Me. Everybody, it's me. And me, Red Band. Love you guys. We love you. We did it again. You guys were here for another episode of what used to be the number one live podcast in the world. It is now the number one comedy show in the world. This is Kill Tony. Thank you. Good night, Sam.

[Show Announcer / Host]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Show Announcer / Host]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Then we talk about Red Band secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. One more time for Red Band Kill Tony Merch. What's the website again? Red Band. Unbelievable. We're really doing it. Red band. Killtonymerch.com for all your Kill Tony merch. Kill Merch. Fuck Redman. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God,

[Show Announcer / Host]

of course. Follow the Kill Tony band all through Austin. They're playing throughout the week. One more time for the best goddamn band in the land. And now we've done all our. Don't leak anything. That's right. Everything. Everything you see tonight has never been done before. Don't leak anything. Don't say who was on the show. Don't say why my vest looks bigger. Don't say anything about the show. Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what?