Tony Hinchcliffe (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Dead Company live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best night of their lives? Make some noise for Brian Redband, everybody. And make some noise for the best goddamn band in the land. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Yeah. Yes. Fuck, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. We're really doing it. Red Band. Every Monday, we're doing it live. Please say hello to the Taco Bell horn section. Carlos Sosa. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo dressed as Stevie Wonder. And on the sticks, Big Mike Gonzalez getting bigger every week. We put a pencil up to his dick and measure how big he's getting every week. Big Mike, cool hat. Big Mike getting bigger. Speedy Gonzalez, we call him. Behind his back, behind me, Matt Muhling on the guitar. Keep it going for Matt Muhling. John Dees, right behind me, the great John Dees. And speaking of Deez, keep it going for Dee's Madness D Madness. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only. O, my God. We've got an amazing episode planned for you. I can't wait for you to see what we have. But before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors who make it all possible. That's where we talk about Ignito Incognito. And To Covis. To Covis. That's a fun word to say. To Covis. Sounds like something Dean Madness got at a rubbing tug. We're really doing it. Red Band. Oh, my God. With the Venmo debit card, you can Venmo everything. Your favorite band's merch. You can Venmo this or their next show. You can Venmo that. Visit Venmo Me Debit to learn more. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp bank and a pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated, the card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted. Venmo purchase restrictions apply. This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Get this. Adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids lives but are we investing in their future financial success? With greenlight you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing and this investment costs less than that. After school treat start prioritizing their financial education and future today with a risk free trial@greenlight.com Spotify greenlight.com Spotify this episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want, like that dream house or ride, is a great feeling. That's why the State Farm personal price plan can help you save when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what? You know, for the last 12 years I've been booking this show and when I say tonight might be the best fucking show I've ever seen, what I mean by that is it might be the best fucking show you've ever seen. We've had comedians, we've had rock stars, we've had actors. And every show, every show, Michael Gonzalez. I say how can we top it? And we do. We've had every type of person. We've had guy, girl, black, Jew, crutches, wheelchair, fat, gay, not gay, people who lost their socks at the hotel. Every type of person. But tonight I have put together a lineup that would make Bill Cosby wish he wasn't a rapist. Because this panel tonight is two of the greatest Kill Tony legends in the history of the fucking show. Two legends of stand up comedy. Two of the best comedians in the fucking world. We're really doing it, Red band. We're really doing it. We're really doing it, Red band. We're really doing it, Red band. Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's episode of kill Tony, two of the greatest comedians you've ever seen tonight on the panel together next to each other in Austin on the panel together on the panel, next to one another, ready for comedy on the panel together tonight on the panel together. They've been here before. And they're back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the great and powerful Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Mark Normand. Ari Shafir. Good to see you guys. Tony, you look more ethnic. What's going on? You look like an Uber driver. These guys have been on the show before. You know how it works. What a crowd tonight, Ari. What a crowd. What a crowd every Monday. Tony, you are exuding just a pure heterosexual energy I've never felt from you before. I did six push ups in the alley. Let's cut to a clip. We don't have it. You guys know how this show works. Over 200 innocent souls have written their names down for the opportunity to get plucked out. Unbeknownst to them, they'd come on this stage to do stand up comedy for 60 seconds of uninterrupted fun. They know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. They know. God fucking damn it, Redman. It's okay. Fuck it, we'll do it live. 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand up comedy. They all know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That'll let them know it's time. How many? It might be Multiple kittens, depending on what Red Band's doing. They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. If not, they're gonna. They're held. Jesus, Ryan. Angry West Hollywood bear. That'll let them know their time is definitely up. And then we will conduct an interview. We'll all talk to them and we'll hear about their lives, what they're up to, what their love life's like, they have any hobbies and all that stuff. And they'll get feedback from the great Ari Shaffir and Mark Norman. One more time for the great Ari Shaffir. Guys want to start the show off? Pick a couple of names for me. Just one. Just one. Don't be greedy. Just one. Don't be like Red Band at the buffet. Just one. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Tonight's show, we are starting with a golden ticket winner. The newest golden ticket winner. Someone who's only been on the show once before. This is their second time performing on Kill Tony live at the Mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the return of Charlie Mac Austin. We keeping it weird, yo. I love it here. Like, Austin has some of the most beautiful dykes I've ever seen. Dykes don't get enough credit. Sir, would you ever fuck a dyke? No. You don't like gently used coochie? I used to say I never fuck a dyke. Never. Where I'm from we call them studs. And I Looked on Facebook and it said studs was an acronym. Yes. S T, U, D, S, Stanford still titties under that shirt. I said that at my last show. One of them studs got mad. She jumped up, said, it don't stand for that. It stand for slanging this unreal dick, sir. And then she got mad and told her little dyke friend, he think he funny. Go to the trunk and get the strap. So first I was scared she was getting a gun. Then I started praying she was getting a gun. Cause if strap is short for strap on. Different conversation. I got scared, like, Excuse me, Mr. Ma', Am, please don't get the big black nine. Cause it might be inches or a millimeter, I don't know. Thank you. Oh, my God, Charlie Mac, you've done it again. You've done it again. Wow. Second time on Kill. Tony. Charlie. Yeah. Yeah. How'd it feel? You're sweatier this time, Charlie. You're sweating like P. Diddy on the stand. The panel looks a little different. I don't know what it is. Tony got on Netflix. He upgraded. Look at this guy. I feel like it's Teemu. I don't know. Teemo Hinchcliffe. That's funny. You look like a giant UPS package. Thank you. Tell your mom I got a package. Oh, my God, she's. I fucking love it. Charlie, where are you from again? I forget. Where are you from? Chicago. Chicago. And how long you been doing stand up comedy? Six years. Almost six years. Can I guess? South side? No. West side? Oh, oh, the other black side. Oh, okay. All right. Is there a super. What's the blackest part of Chicago, Charlie? The city. Whatever part he's in. Right. Okay, okay. Very good, Charlie. How long you been in Austin, Charlie? I've been here going on five years. And what do you do for fun? Everyone knows here that I write my books. My children's books. That's right. What? What? Yes, I write children's books for adults. You ready? Yeah. Y' all see it? Oh, yes, yes, yes. Man, fuck them kids. Yes. That's Kevin Spacey's motto. The great Kevin Spacey. Gotta poster him above my bed. Charlie, what do you love about Austin, Texas? Have you had the food? Just kidding. I know the answer. No, I just said it's the dykes. They're beautiful out here. The who? The dykes. The lesbians. Yes. The manly ones. Right. And what makes them so manly, Charlie? Manly means when someone shows, like, a sign of, like, a man. Right, right. But they have. They're lesbians. But you Said they're manly? Yes. What do you mean, what are they? Because they be in the. In the men's section of the stores, taking all the big clothes. Right, and that's. And that's a problem for you? Yes, yes. Because I try to get my size, but they end up having to get skinny jeans. I don't like that. Those skinny. They wasn't when I first bought them. Charlie, what was the last time you had a vegetable? I'm actually vegan. No way. Yeah, I've been vegan for a year now. Wow. I lost £160. £160? Yes. Whoa. Congratulations. Un fucking believable. Down to 80, £840. No, I'm regular fat. I was. Oh my God, it's coming. Fat. Do you have other. How many fat friends do you have, Charlie? Just your sister. That's it. Oh, shit, Tony. Whoa. Wow. Okay. Got me. Play something fun. Red band. Perfect. Fuck you, Charlie. You've done it again. Second time on the show. First time got a golden ticket. You came out. You did it. You said it all. Anything fun we should know about you before we let you go? From my book sales last time, it upgraded my life. I went from go. Thank you, thank you. Yes. I went from. It raised my tax bracket. I went from Go Joe to let's make America Great again. Unbelievable. My people can help you with that. We'll figure it out. They told me to get an accounting, but I think I'm going to jail. You'll be fine. We'll. You'll be fine. We'll bring those taxes down to $1 a year. I'm in the club now. Just don't drop the soap in jail, cuz you probably won't be able to stand back up. Charlie, you did it. You came out, you did it. One more time for the great Charlie Mac, everybody. Golden ticket winner. There he goes. Oh, my God, we're doing it. Are you guys having a good time so far? Is this not the best night of your lives? Our first. That was a lot of sweat. That was a lot of sweat. When's the last time you sweat that much? Ari Shafir? When I visited Auschwitz and they reopened. Perfect. Our first bucket poll of the night. Goes by one name. I love a good one name. I love a good two name. But I love a good one name. He actually works here at the Comedy. Huh? It's a guy. He works here. Well, let him decide. It's 2025, red band. He might be a guy tonight and a woman in the morning. Please give it up for Fuzzy, everybody. I believe the best superpower is the ability to freeze time because you're in control. You got to remember, they don't want you to have super superpowers. They, the Jews do not want you to have. But when you freeze time, you're in control. And the perks are motherfucking sweet. Everyone here would do the same thing immediately. We're going to the bank. We'd all do it. Come on. You'd go to the bank, you'd see the teller, you'd wait for her to open up the vault, freeze time. And then honk, honk, honk, honk, hon. Holy shit. And then you'd leave the bank. Oh, and if you're a girl, you can look through his phone. Whatever the fuck you guys want to do. I don't give a fuck. Thank you guys so much. Oh, my God, Fuzzy, Great job. Fuzzy, how long have you looked like you go to Sesame street begging the Muppets for change? All my life. Hey, one time for Tony fucking Hinchcliffe. Everybody come up, okay? You make me look not Jewish. You look like Muzzy. Fuzzy the Muzzy. Hey, are there any Indians in here? And they're not allowed in Rogan. Good. Pakistan forever. Oh, all right, all right. Easy, easy. You know it's going great when you scream at the end of your set, Fuzzy, how long you been doing stand up comedy? 5 years. Years? 5 years. What's your favorite thing about it? Drive an Uber. Probably the dick. Probably all the dick I'm getting you. You gay, gay man? Nah. Oh. What would be the first thing you'd do if you were gay, Fuzzy, now that we're here? I'd suck your dick and try to become a regular. Probably so. Get in line. Unbelievable. Fuzzy, you treating those cancer spots in your forehead at all or just letting it ride? Just let it ride, dude. This shit's almost over anyways. I think you got like two months or something like that. What do you do during the day, Fuzzy, when you're not at the mothership? I like to go for walks. Where do you walk? Around the east side. East fifth Street. How big is your vest? Bigger than Tony's. Nothing, Red man. Perfect. You're a rubber ducky, Fuzzy. That's something Tony would actually probably say. Fuzzy, what's your love life like? It's good. It's chill, bro. Actually, I met a girl. Whoa, whoa. Chill, bro. He's allowed. He's allowed. Give him a chance. Some whores. Give him a chance. Yeah. Who the fuck is that? The fuck's laughing like you can't get any. You're here with a guy. Oh, my God. Got him. You look like you like dick in your mouth. Okay, okay, okay. Life's good, Love life is good. Dude, I've been fucking. I don't know. I got this fucking. I stopped masturbating, so I got chi now. What? Chi. What's chi? Now chi is your semen. Whoa. They were gonna call it and it. So you know about chi. I love chi, but I also love pad Thai. Fuzzy. Fuzzy. I would drop the chi and go with Chia Pet on that head because that is a level of bald I've never seen before. All right, all right, all right. Love you, buddy. You look like you look like Ari before the camps. All right, all right, all right. We gotta let this guy get back to his food truck. What are we doing here? Come on, Fuzzy, you did it. Here's a little joke book. See you later. Fuck off. One more time for Fuzzy, everybody. There he goes. Fuzzy, you did it. Hey. Two times he killed. Both times he worked with me here. He crushes. Quick, quick. Hey, y'. All. Typically, you don't associate speed with quality. You don't go through a fast food drive through and expect a gourmet meal to go. Well, there is an exception to this unwritten rule. If you're hiring, you can find candidates fast who are extremely qualified for your job. Just use ZipRecruiter. And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony Redbian. Tony, guess what? I love ZipRecruiter it's the best hiring site out there. With ZipRecruiter's advanced resume database, you can proactively find and connect with qualified candidates in minutes. So there's links, little waiting. Want to meet with a standout candidate? You can unlock their contact info instantly. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2. Wow, that's incredible. Redbam. That's amazing news, experience, hiring speed and quality. With ZipRecruiter, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate within the first day. And if you go to ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony right now, you can try it for free. Again that ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony. ZipRecruiter. The smartest way to hire. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Therapy can be costly, but talk space is affordable and in network with most insurance providers, most insured members have a zero dollar copay. Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible and affordable. You can meet online, message your therapist anytime, and get matched with a licensed pro, usually in under 48 hours. No awkward waiting rooms, no driving across town. Just real help from the comfort of wherever the hell you are. Redbien. You know what I love about Talkspace, Tony? It's covered by tons of insurance plans and employers, including tricare for active duty veteran veterans and their dependents. Most insured members have a zero coplay. And if the first therapist isn't right for you, no big deal, you can just switch at no extra cost. That's awesome. Red band. So here's the deal. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get 80 off your first month with Talk Space when you go to talkspace.com Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S P A C E 80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com Tony & enter promo code SPACE80. Everyone here at the mothership is being groomed. You son of a bitch. Oh my God. Un fucking believable. I finally. I finally work hard enough and save up enough money to buy my own clone of myself and then you lock me inside of my own closet and try to host is my show. You got it. Who's ready for the best night of their lives? I gotta tell ya, I heard a little bit of those interviews they were dragging back there. Could really hear the wheels turning on you. And I didn't realize my clone would sweat more than me. It's not easy, is it? Clone to kill cloney Tony Hinchcliff and Tony Hinchcliffe. By the way, Dwight, it really is pride month. This is what we call a Mark Norman wet dream. This is Kill two. The only thing better than one of me is two of me. And now back to the show. All right. Oh, you have read. I made a couple notes. Puerto Rico's not going to like this. Oh. Oh, my God. All right, back to the bucket we go. I'm very excited to be here. Just finding out it's not you. I thought the whole. I don't. This is an extra fun episode if you ask me. Who books this shit? Do I look good smoking a cigarette, by the way? I don't say my S's like that, by the way. It's not a thicker ass. I don't smoke. Cigarettes. Cigarettes. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Francisco Rincon. Shut up. This guy was like, don't trip. That's fine. I'm gonna fuck your mom later after I clean her house. I am from Puerto Rico. No, I'm not. I'm one of the good ones. Happy Pride Month to this guy, mainly. But, yeah, I don't know. A couple of years ago, I was watching the gay news, cnn. I don't know if you guys hear Pope Francis. He said, RIP Pope Francis a couple years ago, he said, if you're gay, you can get married now and you will no longer burn in hell. It's a real thing. I don't know if you guys heard about this, but it made me think. It made me wonder what was going to happen to the gay guys that were previously burning in hell. Do they make it fair? Do they make an announcement on there? Are they like, excuse me, if you're here and you're gay, make yourself to the lobby. We have great news. What do they do? Francisco Rincon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the show. Francisco, we've seen you multiple times before. One time before. Yes. Killed Tony, you've only been on the show once. Once, two years ago. Wow. What makes me think you've been on a couple times? You've probably seen me on Rose Bottle. Okay. Yes. I saw you on the Roast Battle. I love it. So you're not Puerto Rican. You said you're one of the good ones. What is one of the good ones? Mexican. Mexico. Go. Okay. Actually, Tony, I. Go ahead. Sorry. I am from Venezuela. Oh, wow. Okay. Why, boo? Why, boo? What? Why boo? I'm here to tell you guys, despite what you hear on the news, that all Venezuelans are criminals. I'm here to tell you that we are criminals. But I know. I am from Venezuela, but, you know, Venezuelans, we've been getting a bad rep, right? So, like, when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago, they would be like, are you from Mexico? And I would be like, no, that's gross. You know? And now they are like, are you from Venezuela? And I'm like, no, I'm from Mexico. But, yeah. All right. Have you always looked like Adam Ray with aids? Yeah. You throw a vest on? We got a third Tony here. Un. Fucking believable. Francisco, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Give us something good. What's going on? Oh, man. Living life, you know? Not to brag or anything, but I got. It's funny because last time I did the show, I had just recently gotten Fired. And I just got fired again. Wow. Look at you. I know. Look at you. What'd you get fired from? Hey. That's what I was gonna ask. You're a fucking genius. And you're extremely good looking. Thanks. Me? Wait, what was that? What was that? I smoke a lot of cigarettes. I don't do that. I don't do that. Do I do that? No, I don't. Easy, Steve Urkel. Good one, me. All right. Where did you get fired from? I'm not going to say a company name, but I was working as a engineer. Remote sales engineer. It was really. They fired you? Why will you not say the name? Is it because you can't say engineer in my language. That sounded like the N word, but yeah. I don't know if I'm going to have to look for another job, so I don't want to throw these guys under the bus, you know. Hey, can I just tell you real quick, if you have to. If you got fired, you are going to have to find another job. That's how it works. That's how it works. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Yeah. No. Well, no doubt about it. Francisco, what's your love life like? You're a good looking guy. You seem like you should be doing good out there for yourself. Bet you fuck. What do you say? I bet you fuck. Oh, yeah, no, no, I'm doing. I'm doing all right. I'm not. I got. I got lucky a couple weeks ago. I. That's what I like about Austin. Lots of beautiful Mexican girls here in Austin. And. Yeah, so I went down on this girl from San Antonio. Uh huh. How long did you go down on her for? Give us an exact time frame. Morning, night, lunch. Over. Over. Under 25 minutes. It was a good time. It was a fun time. It tasted like Takis. What? Like what? Sometimes I don't even understand myself, man. I'm sorry, I. Yeah, I had a dream in English last night. I don't even know what I said. All right, we gotta deport you. Yes. Yeah. Yep. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. We're sending you back to Venezuela. Well, Francisco, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show? A big one, but it's fine. Well, guess what, buddy. I got new. Sweet buddy. You get a small one this time. Catch. There you go. Wow. Oh. Throws it back into the crowd. It's like. That's a thing? It's like when you get a baseball hit you from the opposing team and the. And the person that catches it, throws it back onto the field. That's your. You're good. You're real good. All right, all right. Let's keep this thing. Let's do it. Moving along. Oh, that's an unlit cigarette. But me, I am out of control tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket full. Mike Holloway. I don't think everyone who has a cat also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy. But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat. I don't think everyone who eats blue cheese also has a foot fetish. But I do think everyone with the foot fetish also eats blue cheese. I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile. But I do think everyone is a pedophile, also drinks lemonade. I don't think everyone who's the victim of pedophilia is also a Disney adult, but I. You guys get it. How's it going? All right. That was fun. Wow. Mike Holloway, this is your first time on the show? Yes. Okay. How long you been doing standup? Kind of five years, but more like three. Cause of breaks from COVID and being broke. Okay. Covid was over five years ago. Are you still broke? Well, I did. He's not wrong. I did, like, one or two mics before COVID I know. The whole Lincoln years, I had to take off. I'm bad at counting. I'm bad at counting. Sorry. The OJ Trial really fucked up my schedule. Okay, okay. What do you do for work? You work at, like, a. You. I'm getting aquarium vibes. Like, you work with pets of some kind of fun facts about dolphins. Go. Let's just. Let's go one question at a time. Dolphins rape a lot. Oh, there you go. That's the one they answered. What do you do for work? I doordash right now. I just moved here two weeks ago. So did you save money from another job? Kind of. What was the other job? Amazon delivery. Amazon. You see, I thought with aquarium, there's fish in an aquarium. There's also fish in the Amazon. I did it again. Genius. All right, all right. Anyway, so how much money did you save exactly? I love people. People in interviews and podcasts, they never ask questions like this. They never do. I'm obsessed. Obsessed with a question like, how much money did you save before finding a job where you moved to drumroll. Nope. No drum roll. No drumroll. There's two hosts here. None of them asked for a drum roll. How much did you save 500. $500. Holy. Holy. What are you. What are you gonna do? Are you in your car right now? Technically, I'm camping at a campsite, so I paid for it. Squatter. Technically, I'm not homeless. Do you have a tent? Yes. So you sleep in a tent? Yes. Where do you shower at the campsite? There's shower. Outdoor showers? No, it's indoor, like a koa. What's a koa? What the fuck is that, Ari? What's a koa? Some Jewish. What is that? Not. Not all of us. Not all of us take world vacations and camp all the time. Some of us are trying to fucking change people's lives out here. They know about camps. But especially the showers at those camps. Some of the showers are decent at those camps. It's just the one or two were, like, real bad. So explain to us. Explain to the people. People are watching all around the world. You came to Austin, Texas, with $500. How do you plan on surviving? What are you eating? Take us through, like, your actual life. I go to h E B and I get a pack of three steaks for like eight to twelve dollars. Okay. And I get some corn on the cob. Fresh corn on the cob for like 33 cents a piece. Where do you shove the corn? Up the cob? In t foil and in the coals. Does the corn. The corn ever get stuck in that massive gap between your. Yeah, all the time. Oh, yeah. Look at that old corn catcher you got there. Look at that. Did your mom hate dentists? How many times do you shower a week? Good question, Tony. Exactly. Time I come into the city. Okay. Wow. Okay. Every time I come to comedy, I. Very interesting. So this is your first shower? No. And is it easy to make friends at the camp, the campgrounds? What? I hate the questions I'm asking. Is it easy? It really leads to absolutely nowhere. Yes or no questions don't really work on the show. Let me ask you this. Yes. I think you're cool. You got an outsider vibe. You got a real manifesto. You're like a manifesto guy. Appreciate that. What is the craziest thing that you've ever almost done? Like, you seem like you've had some thoughts cooking, like some. You've read like a How to make a bomb book or something before. Oh, yeah. Okay, so now it's your turn to answer the actual question. Back in high school. Yeah. You did what? I read the anarchist camp. Okay. Other than the thing that I said that you did, you get to use your entire life, right? Now, as a reference point, what's the weirdest or most criminal thing you've ever almost done? Not the one that I guessed, but you're like, yeah, I did do that. I'm asking your whole life, did you ever think about. Several times. I almost drove the Amazon truck off a bridge. Okay, now take us through this. Exactly. First of all, were there a lot of packages in the Amazon truck? That's why I didn't get my vest. Oh, so good. Okay. So did you really think about it? You thought about driving the Amazon truck off a bridge? Oh, yeah, I thought about it, yeah. Okay. And how were you going to do it? Were you going to kind of like go to the bridge and then hard right, turn off of the ledge, or were you going to kind of like take it at an angle? What was your plan? No, I was going to. It was an ev. So it's really got some acceleration. So, yeah, I was going to get it going and then just crank the wheel and jump out the window. Jump out the door. Oh, you weren't going to kill yourself. You weren't going to, like. Well, I thought about that. I didn't. Oh, wait a second. This is treason. I did for a second, but then I was like, I can jump out. Yeah, I like it. You're just bezos over not yourself. Yeah, yeah, I'm all right with that. Bezos. So you were just going to selfishly drop a bunch of people's packages in the water? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Sorry. What's the other craziest thing about your life? Mike, give us something good here other than almost driving an Amazon thing. What's a fun fact about your life? Did you have a weird childhood? Were you molested? A lot of pedophile jokes? No, I wasn't molested. I did have a weird childhood, though. I moved around a lot. I was a fat kid and a nerdy kid and the new kid all the time, so I got picked on a lot. What was the meanest thing somebody was. Sorry, shut the. I'm fucking talking. What was the meanest thing somebody ever said to you at school? I don't remember. I said a lot of mean shit, too, because I would. I would basically for. To deal with bullies. I would basically, like, roast them. I didn't know the term back then, but I would roast them. And then, like, if they put hands on me, then I would, like, just go full out, like, right away. So you. You killed a kid? No. Oh, Beats crap out of a couple. You look like the bad kid in Toy Story. Oh, My God, the neighbor. Yeah. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. I do like firecrackers. Where are you hiding? Andy's Slinky. Here's the big joke. But congratulations. There you go. On to the next one. I like that guy. There he goes. Something about him. For real. He seems cool. Grew up on a fireworks stand. Oh, you know what that means. The beautiful, lovely Heidi is here. Wow. Hi. This podcast is sponsored by Vile. Life moves fast and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge or stay focused without making things more complicated than they already are. You ever tried meditating but then get stressed about how bad you are? In meditating? Same. That's why I love Via, because they actually make feeling good easy. Half a million customers can't be wrong. Via is changing the game and natural wellness combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create real effect driven results. Want better sleep? Want more focus? Little boost in the bedroom? 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And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. So turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side, Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony shopify.com kil Tony. Someone. Someone's rooting for Ari from the audience. Let's go, Ari. Wow. A guy. A guy follower. A guy wants you to be funny right now. All right, all right. This looks like a new name. I'm excited about it. I love new names. You love new names. I. It's my favorite thing other than my condo. Oh, I'm. We're doing it. Red band. We're really doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Candace August, everybody. Candace August. All right. My husband's Muslim, and when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called the nika. I will spell it for you. It is N as in Nancy, I K as in kangaroo, A H as in Harold. The Nika. Problem is, I had not seen that word written down before. I heard that shit out loud. Picture it on my wedding day. I'm standing there in my dress. I'm looking at my husband so in love. The guy walking, he's like, we are gathered here today to celebrate this blessed Nikka. He kept going. In the eyes of Allah, all n are beautiful and wonderful. This n today is special. I was just like, what the fuck did this nigga say? What did this? Thanks for the compliments, dude, but you can call me Candace. Fantastic set. Wow. By Candace August. Welcome to the show, Candace. Thank you. Is this your first time? It is not. You've been on before. You were great. I remember you. Thank you. I was on in January. Yeah. Welcome back. Thank you. I figure I have to keep signing up. It's the only way black women are ever gonna get on this show, so. Well, it's also the only way anyone gets on the show. I love that you have to be a victim of race issues. Would never expect anybody like you to do that. You people never do that. For this is the fairest, most diverse show in all of show business. Incorrect how dare you. Oh. Two Tonys. Oh, my. I'm getting roasted by the bouncer at Fraggle Rock. Oh, my God. It's Ma' Am Patterson. It's pretty good. Hello, Ari. How are you? How you doing? Pretty good. How do you two know each other? No, I just was. I already dapped him up. And I love black hookers. Tony, I wanted to. That's not even funny. But I just wanted to. I just wanted to acknowledge everyone on the panel. Hello, Red band. I love it. I love it. So, Candace, remind us, what do you do for a living? What's going on? I'm Ari's call girl. Didn't you hear? No, no, I, I, we talked about this before. I work at a debt consolidation company. Okay. A debt consolidation company. I don't understand what that is. Doesn't translate. Amazing. And what do you do for fun? I like to travel a lot. And comedy's fun. I like that. Where do you travel to? What are some of your favorite places that you've been? My favorite place is Cuba. That's the favorite place I've been. What do you love about Cuba? I'm from New Orleans and. Yeah, I know you went to Brother Martin. I know. I went to Ursuline. So we look at the connection down there. I performed with him several times. He never remembers me, but it's funny. It's fine. It's okay. It's okay. I opened for him at Magoovies and a bunch of other places. Sorry, are you from Maryland? No, but I lived in the DMV at the time when I worked with him. You lived in the dmv? Wow. Okay. It's dc, Maryland, Virginia. Wow. And they call it the dmv. Wow. You look like you'd work at the dmv. Oh, my God. We're really doing it. Red band. We're really doing it. I was answering you about Havana. So I'm from New Orleans, and Havana has a very, like, New Orleans type of feel. A very, like. It has a lot of soul and it's a very small place. A lot of live music playing all the time. It just, it just. The sweet sirens. It just reminded me of home. That's why I like that. That's amazing. What do you love about Austin, Texas? It also. So 6th street specifically also reminds me of bourbon. Yeah, it reminds me. It's a very Bourbon esque feel. All the live music and then there's this concentrated, like 4 block radius where everything's happening. It's just like bourbon. Yeah. Except cleaner. Marginally. Yeah. You got a man. Are you married? Is that what that ring is? Yes. We talked at long length about it last time. My husband's Indian. Oh, that's right. The rare mix of an Indian man and a powerful black woman. Yeah, you were very interested in that subject. The left. Well, it's a very rare combination. I study these things. I'm a people person. How does the family go for it? How does this family go for. You know, So, I mean, they weren't very happy at first, but not really because I'm black. Just mostly because I'm not Muslim. Why would you do this to the family? Why do you bring home a chance demon woman? This dude? I do voices too, man. I heard you did quite a few the last time I was here. Yeah, you and the Indian husband. Nika Masala. That is close. Too close. A good one. A good one. Right on the borderline, Mark. Right on the borderline. Sorry. And what does your husband do for work? He also works at a. That consolidation company. A different one from me, though. Wow. Till debt do you part. Absolutely. Oh, you like that one? That one was good. You don't like working at the dmv? That one was no, but consolidation humor, really? Go take that around the office. All right. Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time? You showed it to him, right? Yeah, yeah, he watched it from home. Like he wasn't here live, but he watched. And how much did he beat you for it? He did. You. You br. Got my first shirt. It means no worries. Oh, he got a kick out of it. Cuz you spent a lot of time talking about. So I had said that you got a kick out of it. I said my. A kick and two punches. All right, So I said my husband wasn't black and you spent a lot of time trying to guess what race he was and you never guessed Indian. Right. I had to tell you. So that's. That's what happened last time. So a lot of the interview was about him. So he actually really enjoyed it when we watched it. I love it. Yeah. And where do you get earrings like that? Those are great earrings. I'm so glad you noticed them. So the last time I was on, I had knives, Right. So it's like the Kill Tony vibe and no one ever noticed them. So thank you, Tony, too, for noticing them. Yes. Did you buy them at the target that you got fired at? Okay. No, they're custom. I ordered them online. What were you gonna say there, Mark? Nothing. Oh, you got a big joke book Last time I did. But let me tell you this. When I got it, you had, like, some that were left over from the Heb center, and I never got one from the show that I was on. So if you can spare another one show man. You know what? Here's an official one. It's your lucky day. It's like Angel. Reese. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Good bucket. P.S. you guys have a good night. Thank you so much. One more time for Candace August. Candace August. Wow. And the show goes on. It has to. We keep it moving. Let's do it. We gotta do it. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Karen Jones. I got it. Some of you may remember me. I was falsely accused of storming the Capitol. I've been pardoned by President Trump. Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before I got the pardon. Still grateful. But while I was in prison, I was raped. Okay? Date raped. Okay. It was consensual. It was still very unpleasant. And yeah, okay, I was on house arrest. But it's terrible to be on house arrest because you can't leave. But I found out that you could leave for medical procedures. So I scheduled a mammogram, a pap smear, and a colonoscopy. And I'm telling you, it was as horrible as any other time. I've been raped, date raped, had sex and regretted it, whatever you want to call it. Thank you. Karen Jones, one of the most famous characters in the show's history. A wild wow. Some people would call her a batty woman. Tony, I. I know you said not to ask questions, but I got a question for you. What the fuck? What? What the. If you're here, who's gonna take down the tiger king? Mark Normand is on. Norman on fire. You look like the woman who fired angel from the Target. Or Candace, who was the last person. That's right. It was Candace. Candace. So, Karen Jones, give us an update. What's been going on in life? I sometimes, you know, hear about you. You come up a lot. I get reports Karen Jones is fucking doing this and that you're around. Well, I always try and be in the most interesting places I can be. Flower shops, plant stores, Carboretums. Well, probably one of the biggest changes is I was in a little granny flat out in Dripping Springs on my son's property. He was going through a divorce. You remember my son, the real Alex Jones. And. Keep going, Karen. Keep going. I think you had a stroke there for a second. No, no. But it could happen. You're walking a Blind guy with this story right now. There he goes. So pick up the pace. Karen Jones, I haven't known to clear the room, okay? But my son remarried and he remarried a very beautiful woman. And it turns out that five acres is not enough room for two women. So I've had to move. And I'm living out in Canyon Lake now. So let's really break it down. Yeah. It's your son's property, am I correct? Yes. He bought it. Yes. And somehow you made yourself so known, so present that they made you move somewhere else. Explain to us what a daily routine on a five acre ranch with Karen Jones is like. Well, when you're on house arrest, it's very limited, but normally, because you have the whole five acres. The whole five acres. I also had three kids I was taking care of and the main house, so I became the taking care of your son. No, his children. Wait, were you really under house arrest? Ari, everybody is with it except for you Right now. You're the only person confused at all. The crowd is now wondering why you're confused. What's she under house arrest for? Storming the Capitol. I thought that was a joke. No, real fucking story. This is kill Tony, all right? This is the only place you can meet real people that have stormed the Capitol other than Fox News. I did not. And if you recall, I'm said all along I was invited in. I was. I was invited in. The capital has the vampire rules. The capital is. Is normally open. The door was open. We asked permission to go in. And my husband had never been inside the rotunda. Or no better time than January 6, 2021. Right on cue. But what happened is they invited us in and I took a plea deal. So I couldn't speak as freely on your show. But that's why I got the 90 days. My lawyer was shocked I didn't just get probation, but I told too much. Like I told that no police had died, only J6ers. And so I got it. Cool nickname, by the way. Well, we went to Memorial day to a J6 reunion. J6 reunion. Oh my God. Holy shit. This bitch knows how to party. Yes, she does. The crowd goes wild. Wild. Well, because they believe me that we were invited in and we were trapped. Maybe not all of them, but enough people know now, but I can say this without being arrested for perjuring myself on my statement of facts and deal I signed. But they invited us in and then they trapped us. And they hit me really hard with a billy club in the stomach and then they sprayed Ass. If they wanted you to get out of there, they should have just invited your son. Mom, there's just not enough room here at the Capitol for you. We gotta move you to a completely different ranch, tens and tens of miles away. So do you still make it back to. Have you been to the Capitol since? No, just the Texas Capitol. And they're very nice. Even when I was on free trial, they let me in. They're open on Sunday. Texas had such a nice capital and Washington D.C. used to be nicer, but it's really went to hell. Yep, yep, it sure has. It sure has. Just with the Congress, like the Congress inside of it, if you ask me. What did you do after Dennis Jimenez stole your cookies? Good question. Thanks. Me, I can't believe Willie Nelson transitioned. Unbelievable. We're really doing it. Red band. So, Karen, anything else crazy going on in your life that we should know about? Well, you know, I was trying to decide whether or not I should go with the J6 because I have been going to open mics regularly and I've been working on my gay material. Why don't we hear one of your gay jokes? I want to hear what I hear. Do we want to hear one of her gay jokes? Come on. I think we do. I'll give you a bit of my gay minute. Okay. It's that I told all my kids growing up, I didn't want them to be damaged. So I always told them that if I find out you're gay, I just won't be able to love you as much. It's nothing personal, but we all know that homosexuality is caused by overbearing, castrating, ball busting bitch moms. And I'm not gonna let one of you make me look like a bad mom. Wow. Wow. I like her. Put her in the arena. This might be my favorite. This might be my favorite bucket pole of all time. I know. She is a legend. She is a legend in Kiltoni. Well, you probably missed me talking about your ball sack on Joke World, but you're. What? What the fuck? Last time I was in here, I saw his balls. Well, I wasn't in here. I was in LA, actually. And I was. I was doing interviews for Joke World and I've actually seen them a few times now. And I said if I were you, I would keep them in my pants because my husband is 73 years old and he has better looking balls and the whole deal. My husband looks better. What the is. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh no. Oh, My God. There they are. Oh, Jesus. My God, my husband. Yeah, that's awful. Oh. Oh, my. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, my God. Happy pride. Nothing I haven't seen before. Yoni, cancel my postmates order. No, the bad thing is, is after my husband sees this episode, he'll be like walking around with his dick swinging. It's funny when you get older, your dick gets bigger because of gravity. Yeah, except for Ari's, obviously. Oh, can you imagine what they're going to look like in 73? That's scary. Well, he's already 72, so. Come on, Mark. All right. Oh, my. By the way, I don't. Okay, Red band. Red. Red bands. Actually got a point. It is covered in weird balloon. Not hemorrhoids. It is normal hemorrhoids. Very disgusting. Well, your penis to balls ratio always shocks. It is absolutely. Absolutely never understand. Is wild. It's like some type of animal. Like some type of weird creature you shoved into that zipper pocket. Yeah, very bizarre. Gold. It is the one of the weirdest ball sacks. It appears as though it looks cancerous, by the way. Yes. You ever get it checked out? I'll get it checked. I have not. I have not. Have you had a prostate examination? Yeah, well, it was a hooker. Karen Jones, you are always such an unbelievably entertaining interview. Thank you again. Here's the big one for you. Yeah, I caught it. Not like those other chicks. Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. Karen Jones, everyone. Goodbye, Karen. Great to see you. Great. We love you, Karen. Get the out. Get the out of here. Karen. Jesus Christ. Tell another 45 minute story. Wow. Wow. Oh my God. I'd let her storm my capital. Am I right? This podcast is sponsored by Incogni. Look, folks, here's the problem. Data brokers are gathering your personal information and selling it for profit. They scan the web for names, addresses, social media profiles, court records, and build detail profiles on individuals just like you. Then this data ends up in the hands of scammers, which leads to spam, identity theft, and even loss of control over your own personal data. Sounds like a big problem, right? Well, not anymore, thanks to Incogni. Now let me throw it to our data security specialist, Red Band. Yeah. Incogni solves this problem by reaching out to data brokers on your behalf and requesting they remove your personal data. Get it out of there. The whole process is automated. I personally love the custom reaction removal feature. I simply point Incogni where my data is being exposed and their privacy experts handle the rest. 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Make your picks in less than 60 seconds and turn your sports takes into real money all season long with Prize Picks Redban. I was looking and I think this week Prize picks. I'm eyeing the baseball board and selecting Aaron Judge for more than one home run and Dylan Cease for more than six picture strikeouts. I have the same game picks red band and I love how easy they make it. Download the app today and use Code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code Tony to get $50 instantly after you Play your first five dollars. Prize picks, run your game. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Aldo Caldo. All right, one more time for Aldo, everybody. I guess there's no music here tonight. All right. I love my women, how I love my coffee Sliding off the roof of my car. Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin boy group band called Menudo. Yeah, Men nude. Oh, we used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold out shows. And I used to think to myself, wow, I made it. I really made it. I remember I came home with my first million in pesos. It was like the best hundred bucks I ever made. People would always ask me, hey, Aldo, how did you know who was going to be the next Menudo? Because they would get molested and then get kicked out or hit puberty. Was it always the cute one that would say no? It was always the Menudos that set their microphones up like this. He was the next Ricky Martin. Gracias. Okay, de nada. Aldo Caldo. That must crush it. Taco stands all across the country. Very Latino material, you know, Gotta represent. Okay. All right, there's a couple of people. Hey, with the. With the. That's good. All right. Aldo, what do you do for work? I tour. I'm a musician. I'm a musical comedian. But how long have you been doing stand up? About eight years, off and on. Because you've been playing music your whole life? Yes. You started with an accordion, like a typical Mexican? No, I'm actually started on piano and guitar, and I kind of now play. What do you special. What do you specialize in now? Right now. Guitar and guitar and bass. Okay. Acoustic or electric, Whatever the gig calls for Right now. Let's get this guitar out here. I'm dying for playing this guitar. Let's get him a guitar. The beautiful Heidi with a guitar. Ready to go. No, no covers, Aldo. It's got to be an original song. You gotta. All right, all right. It sound good. None of that. Gypsy King. Yeah, we don't want to have to give our money to YouTube. Oh, they're. This is. They're communicating back here. They're calling out the play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do this. We on Kill Tony Funny mother bad bitches only we on Kill Tony Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony we all on Kill Tony Rolling out of Texas on his golden pony we on Kill Tony Guitar went out. Yeah. Let me see. Put your hands together. Say, Kill Tony. Kill Tony. All right. You're not singing or playing the instrument. That's just my band doing really good stuff. That was God taking control of that moment. Is there a switch or something? Matt Muling, what would you do to get that guitar to work? Wait, you didn't really play that, though. Yeah, well, not really. Not really. It was more lyrical. Let's talk to Gibson to get one that works. All right, I'm gonna get Ice on the phone. Ice is on the phone. They're waiting for me outside right now. Wow. I shouldn't even be here right now. You know, I'm just proud to be allowed. Where should you be? Where else would you rather be? I come from a law enforcement family. They're all CIA. You should be on a deportation. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Are you just going in the middle of an answer with two other people talking? Yeah. Let's go, Ari. Every time he pulls out that giant tiny of his, he gets real excited. By all means, Aldo Caldo. I gotta get something juicy out of this interview, man. Give us some. A real interesting fun fact about your Life. Something fun. I recently almost had a felony charge for having weed down in the South Valley. South Texas. Well, I mean, we've all been there. How about something else? What else? Anybody who's had any weed in South Texas has almost been up for something else. I have a day named after me, like Deep Madness, okay. For doing music here out of Texas, representing the Latino Music association here in Austin, Texas. You have a day. What day is it? November 15th. I also turned it into a festival called the Caldo festival. Help feed 3,000 families. Wow. With caldo, you know, soup. Okay. So. Yeah. So, you know, I'm trying to get back to the people that gave to me. So, representing. Wow. Amazing. Nice of you to give the soup out instead of eating it yourself. Hey, well, I ate a lot of it. I gotta test it all, man. What's your favorite soup? Caldo de all of them. Caldo de carino? No, Caldo de reyes. Huh. All right, Aldo. All right. We're gonna get you out of here. Here's a medium sized joke book. There goes Aldo. Thank you so much, everybody. Wow. Wow. And now it's time for one of our regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, this man has been an absolute juggernaut since his arrival here in the Kilto. He is, without a doubt, one of the most legendary regulars of all time. And soon to be, without a doubt, a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian Assassin. This is Ari. Madd. What's up? So, speaking of small dicks, when are we getting big dicks, huh? Isn't it crazy? There's no developments at all. Yo, Elon Musk. Fuck you. I don't give a fuck about Mars. Where's my big black cock? Isn't it crazy? Katy Perry's in orbit before I have a big hog. And I've looked into it. No progress. The only thing you can get is you go to Mexico and they don't make you a big Dick. You pay 60 grand and what they do, they remove your lower abdominal muscles to, like, excavate more dick out of you. $60,000 for an extra two inches. Hey, I don't need two inches. Great, now we're at four. Thank you so much. Wow. Ari. Ari. Maddie has done it again, everybody. Believable. Unbelievable. What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony? What's up, Ari? We are big Re. Maddie fans. Huge. Huge Maddie fans. Oh, my God, Ari. How's it been going? What have you been up to? I went to New Orleans yesterday. You're from there, right? Wow. Wow, great. Mark Norman is from there. Dude, New Orleans. If only the French would see what you guys did to that city. Dude, I went on Bourbon Street. The smells. Oh, my God. Dude, I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose. Do you know how bad a place has to be for an Indian man? Candace August showing her husband around her old hometown. Yep. Taking them back to see the sights. So, Ari, how's life? What else is going on? Anything crazy? I don't know. Yeah, we went to Mobile, Alabama, and then New Orleans. The power went out during the show four times in Mobile, Alabama. Oh, wow. And they just go, ah. Mobile, Alabama. Alabama, not known for its electricity. Ari, what's your love life like? Two Tonys, two Aries. Oh, yeah. Oh, Two Tonys, two Aries, one Mark. There's got to be another autistic out there, huh? Oh, my God. You know, Ari, I also have huge balls. It's crazy. What's. What? But. Prove it. No, I'm scared. I'm scared. No no no no. Listen, are you like. Are you like Ari? Is it. Are you mostly balls? It's 95% balls. Wow. Wow. Literally, my dick looks like it's chilling on a beanbag. Dude. It's fucking my whole look. It's coming out of a Jew tunnel. My dick looks like it owes my balls money. And now they're all at the atm. What does an Estonian dick smell like? It's clean and white. Sorry, weird question, Tony. That is a very weird question. What does an Estonian dick dick smell like? No, I'm kidding. Good question. Me? Yeah. No, we've been having a lot of fun. We've been drinking, having a blast around the city. Yeah. I have a problem, man. You what? I have a problem. Yep yep yep yep. Drink every day, baby. We were there. We've been having a lot of fun. Yeah, it's so much fun working hard and playing hard. You can do both. We can do both. What else is going. All right. That's my. I'm good. Cigarettes are tough. You guys look like Siegfried and Roy. Oh, this place is absolutely wild. Ari, you did it again. You are the man. Thank you. Unbelievable. You'll get your citizenship soon. Great to see Ari. There he goes. And it goes on and on. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Benjamin girl. Hello. How are you? Ladies? Are you sick of your man's wrinkled old balt sack? That hairy old dusty nut sack? Well, I got something for you. It's called Scrotox. It's Botox. For your testicles. I don't care if you like the red socks, the white socks, or don't even wear fucking socks. For a smooth nut sack tomorrow, use Scrotox today. It also removes hair for the ultimate teabagging experience. Your lady will be looking forward to that. My cousin recently married a Chinese girl. At the wedding. Wedding reception. They had this beautiful lasso app. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. You can finish, Benjamin. You got to keep it going. Keep going. They had this beautiful lasso apsu souffle that was out of this world. They had poodle kebabs on a brioche bun, beagle burgers, and leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce. I never believed that, but I do now. That's it. Okay. Hey. Okay. Good thing you made him finish. Wow. Benjamin is a legend, believe it or not, much like Karen Jones in this show's history. Yes, and for the same reason as Karen Jones. He is not necessarily known for his stand up up during the minute long sets. But my God, if this isn't one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Famous for being able to somehow tap into a story that is a thousand times funnier than anything he says during the stand up part. It's happened before. The legendary story of him stealing a man's television while he made himself a sandwich was told on the show. We've heard of him having many hangs with the Night Stalker. Yes, Actually, some other highlights as well. Well, well, he has his son. Okay, okay. They call him Little Richard. Good golly Miss Molly. All right, never mind. Like I said, his jokes aren't really that good. But if we can guide him and into accidentally telling a story that he never thought that he would say. You have anything else up your sleeve, Benjamin? You've had so many highlight moments on the interview part. I mean, we're really pushing it here. This is like staying in Vegas when you're already winning. You signed up again. You're famous for tapping into unbelievable stories. Yeah. Is there anything that we should know that you haven't told us before? You must have been kicking something around in your head. Something fun. Yeah. I got another story. What? I have another story. Okay. What's this story about? It's about when I was a drug dealer. I owe these Italian guys in New York $80,000. Oh, great. Let's. Wow. Let's go. Yep. And I didn't have any money. Give us the right lighting here, Kino. Benjamin owes Italians in New York 80,000. He didn't have enough Money. And here he goes, this Benjamin Graham. Yeah, this was at the height of my heroin addiction. That's why I spent their $80,000. Well, actually had nothing to do with heroin. It was my coke dealer. I actually owed him $80,000, and he owed the Italians $80,000. And there were four other guys that owed him about $100,000. So I owed him the least. And their theory was, if they killed me to set an example, the other people would pay up. Actually, I only owe him $60,000, but my girlfriend owed him $20,000. And she was a UCSB student, and she used to sell read for me. And they wanted to put her in a cat house up in Reno to work off her 20 grand. And she's like, I'm a vegan. What are you talking about? I'm going to graduate this year. And so I absorbed her 20 grand, which brought mine up to 80. And my friend whose name is. We'll call him. We call him Jason because that was his name. Here we go. Perfect. This is what I'm talking about. We're doing it. Red band. Red band. We're doing it. Keep going, Benjamin. Go ahead. Yeah, he was a rich kid from Santa Barbara. His dad was, like, the president of the Santa Barbara Star Exchange or something. But he wasn't a good drug dealer. And from hanging around with me, he got strung out on heroin. And he didn't get along too good with the Mexicans in the neighborhood. And I got along great with him until I accidentally burnt one of the houses down. I just meant to blow up the car, but I used too much gasoline. And the driveway, we had a little incline to it, and the gasoline went around the house, and, you know, shit happens. I didn't expect the house to catch fire. I'm going off track. This has nothing to do with the Italians. Hi, Mike. Yeah. Well, these are. We'll call these guys the Rodriguez brothers, because that. That was their name. And they were. They were cool guys. They were honest, honest drug dealers. You give them money, they brought the drugs back. And none of them were home this particular day except their one brother, Jesse. And he had just got out of jail, like, two days before that. And I figured he was cool like the rest of the brothers, so I gave him six grand for an ounce of heroin. And while we were talking about the heroin, he showed me this vintage car that he was working on. And he was really proud of this car. So, anyway, I gave him the money, and after an hour, he didn't come back, and he left me in his little shack behind his parents house. I'm waiting for him. After two hours, he didn't come back. And I finally realized his motherfucker ripped me off. And it was Jason's money, my friend Jason, the coke dealer. So I had to go back and tell him, hey, lost the money, I got ripped off. And he's like, holy, the Italians are coming. We, we have to get all this money together. So he said, what are you going to do? I said, I don't know, but it's up. Said, I'm going to go blow his car up. Went to the gas station, got a gallon of gas. No, I used to blow cars up a lot when I was a teenager. You know, the older guys, they didn't want to make payments anymore, so they would, you know, give me 50 bucks and the keys to their car. And they'd say, you know, drive it around for a week, have fun, and then burn it. So I did. First time I did it, I didn't realize you're supposed to leave a trail. And I poured gas all over the place. You know, they said, put in the engine compartment, the trunk, the interior, and, you know, then throw a match at it. But they didn't tell me to make a trail. So I was standing like, you know, six inches away from the fucking car. I'm like, I know all my hair burned. My fucking eyebrows, my eyelashes, my hair. I can go back to the donut shop. Oh, yeah. And they said, wait, hold on one second. Where's this donut shop come from? No donut shop. Okay, okay, go ahead, go ahead. I went back to the donut shop. My Big Book is filled too, by the way. Okay, just keep going. We'll talk about that later. It's almost tomorrow, so. And they said, make sure you bring the keys back. If you don't bring the keys back, the insurance company will. They won't. They won't collect. And I forgot the keys in the ignition. As soon as I go back to the donut shop, they say, you got the keys? And I went, ah, shit. I forgot the keys. And they're like, what the fuck happened to your hair? I said, I got burnt, you know. So the next day we went to look at the car where they towed it, and everything was melted. The dashboard, the steering wheel. The keys were like a puddle down there. Nothing there. Anyways, that's a different story about Jesse's. Jesse's. I shouldn't have used their real name because they might still be around, these guys. They're gonna be pissed off when they see this because the very next day, after the house caught fire, I went right back, knocked on the door. I'm like, what the fuck? Your brother ripped me off last night. What happened to your house? And then some blew it up. My brother's been ripping everybody off, you know, and people are pissed off anyway, so that was that. So back to the Italians. Yes, here we go. So Jason's. Jason said, hey, you guys gotta pay up. The Italians are coming. He was saying this for like. Like six months. And he was a wimp. You know, he go to school, heroin. He called me one day crying from downtown. He said, the Mexicans took my BMW. What the hell? I told you not to go down there without me. He goes down there with his, you know, tennis shirt and his sweater tied around his neck. You know how. Keep going, keep going, Santa Barbara cousin. Keep going. Back to the Italians, back to the Italians. So anyway, he said, the Italians are coming. The Italians are coming. And we're like, yeah, yeah, fuck you, Jason. So finally at my house one day, my girlfriend was sitting there about 6 o' clock at night, and there's a knock on the door. I open the door and there's this little guy, looked like Joe Pesci with an Afro. And he goes, hey, I'm Frank and this is my friend Bubba, this big muscle guy. He said, we're here to discuss your bill with Jason. I'm going, oh, the Italians, they're here. The Italians have finally arrived. For those of you that have completely fallen asleep six minutes ago, yeah, the Italians there have arrived. I got. I got distracted. The Italians are here and they're saying, come on, we're going to take you out for dinner. We want to talk about how you're going to pay us back. And I'm like, I'm really not hungry. I just ate. And my girlfriend's going like, don't go. You'll never come back. You know, she's the one that owned 20 grand. So anyway, I did. We went with the Italians and they said, you know, we're talking about how I'm going to pay him back. I said, look, I don't. I don't even fucking deal drugs anymore. I'm just a fucking strung out junkie. And, you know, one day at a time, keep coming back. And so finally, I'll pay you 80 grand to finish this story. Hey, all right. And I'll double that money if you tell me where Gabby Petito is. So anyway, I talked them into letting me. My girlfriend got a job in San Francisco at Chevron. And I told him, look, I got a job at this restaurant in San Francisco. You guys let me leave town and I'll send you guys like two grand a month. You know, I didn't have a job in San Francisco. I lied. So anyway, they said, okay, you go to San Francisco, you send us that money. If you don't send us that money, we're gonna come up there and fucking use you. Set an example for the other guys so they'll pay up. And I'm saying, well, yeah, if you kill me, you won't get the money. They said, yeah, but it'll, you know, give them the impetus to pay the rest of the money. And they owe a lot more than you do. Yep, it was like a half a million altogether. Okay, so anyway, I'm in San Francisco two, three months go by, I didn't send anything. I didn't talk to him or anything. And one day I'm in bed and I hear I'm dreaming of a fire crackling. You know, firewood and cracking fire, like 6am in the morning. My girlfriend was visiting her parents in Santa Barbara, so I was alone. And it wasn't. It wasn't a failure. You're dreaming. And then, and then I thought it was a fireplace. But what it was in reality was my door to the apartment being cracked open. It was. The wood actually cracked right down the middle. And I see these big guys go walking by my door. Big guns, T shirts, jeans, tennis shoes, fucking. And then 1, 2, 3. And the fourth one, the fourth one looks to the bedroom and he's going, ah, shit, he's in here. Next thing I know, I sit up like that, there's three fucking guys on my bed. Come on, this is kill Tony, not Rogan. So then what happened, Ben? The Italians are finally here. 20 minutes into the story. Yeah, hey, they into your freedom? One of them straddled me and the other two was standing on my hands. Later on they told me they thought I was reaching for a gun. That's why they did that. And the one in the middle put the fucking gun in my mouth. Chipped my tooth, pulled the hammer back. And I'm going, okay, this is it. I'm going to fucking be dead. Then a guy comes in the doorway in a three piece suit with a tie, pulls out a fucking badge. He goes, ben Grelly? I said, yeah. He goes, dea, you're under arrest. So it wasn't the Italians. You were. You got busted for being a heroin dealer and addict. Jason got busted in Santa Barbara and He had my name and address in his book, my telephone number, and the other four guys, all their names and addresses. And he was always telling us, use code, don't use my name, blah, blah, blah, this shit. And he didn't do it all his own direction. Ben, is there like, something big coming, coming? Is that it? No, that's not it. That's it. That's it. No, there's more. Okay, well, let's get to that stuff real quick anyway. Yeah, well, they. They picked me up out of bed. I had my boxes on, which happened to have marijuana leaves emblazoned all over them. And they had me in the kitchen and they were looking for coke because they said, you owe them 80 grand. And I'm like, no, no, I owed him $80. You guys are up. You got your. You didn't do your homework. It's $80, not 80 grand. He. He. He paid for my Frank Zappa ticket. I just made up this ticket. We didn't go to see Frank's after all. Anyway, so the Santa Barbara cops flew up from Santa Barbara in the dea. Ben, you might have to finish it next time. It's a little too long. Okay, long story short, I didn't talk. You can't do that. Let him do it now. Let him do it. I want to listen to Biden. I didn't. I didn't talk. And the Italians actually did. The head Italian called me up. He said, yo, the only one that didn't rat on us. Everybody else talked. He had the transcripts. And I said, well, what about the 80 grand? He says, Forget about the 80 grand. We had a good day yesterday. And that was it. Wow. Wow. Wow. All right. Here's a big jukebox. Ben. Thank you so much. So much. Congratulations, Benjamin Grell. Wow. All right, all right. Wow. Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi, the lovely Heidi cleanses our palate from the unbelievable, dreadful story of Benjamin Gr. It was gripping and nothing at the same time. He's really good at it. But that one didn't. Didn't really have the. Didn't have the twists and turns that normally does. No, that was like the Irishman. This message is brought to you by Abercrombie and Fitch. I've been ready for summer for a while, and now it's finally time for summer outfits. With a trip coming up, the A and F vacation shop has me covered. Abercrombie really knows how to do a lightweight outfit. Their tees, sweater, polos, and linen blend shorts never miss. I wear Abercrombie denim year round. Their shorts are no different and have the comfort I need for summer prep for your next trip with the A and F vacation shop. Get their newest arrivals in store, online and in the app shop. Fourth of July savings at the Home Depot right now and get up to 40% off plus up to an extra $600 off select appliances with free delivery like Samsung. From all in one washer dryers to smart refrigerators. Upgrade to tech you can trust with Samsung appliances. The Home Depot has what you need to simplify your routine. Don't miss Fourth July of of July appliance savings at the Home Depot. Free delivery on appliance purchases of $396 or more. Offer valid June 18 through July 9, US only. See store or online for details. All right, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Luke Lawrence, everybody. Is everybody. Here he goes. Woo. I know I'm not. I'm not a confident guy and I know I'm not a hot guy, but I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieved when they walk into my apartment. Like, I know I'm not like a hard day's work, you know what I mean? But I'm gonna give her a run for her money. For sure. For sure. I got a crazy little message from my ex girlfriend, my friend's ex girlfriend, a little while ago. She texted me. She's like, hey, Tyler just died. And I'm like, holy fuck. And she's like, yeah, he just told me he loved me. I had this picture my best friend having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately. Cause she couldn't find it right after he died. And all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he dies. Nope. Things aren't always the best they can be. Sometimes you get fucking cheated on and you know your friends try to support you sometimes when you get cheated on. My best friend's literally just like, yo, man, she's for the streets. She's not. She's native. She's for the land. That's it. Holy fuck. That was terrible. Jesus Christ. Wow, you got. What the fuck? Look, you nailed it there at the end. You are correct. That was terrible. Wow. All you had to do was get one laugh, dude. I know. All you had to do was anything. Hilarious. Okay, so Luke Lawrence, how long you been doing stand up? Oh, too long for that. Okay, long for that. I only do once a week though, because I live in Newfoundland. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I own the only comedy club in Newfoundland and it's only host comedy one one night a week. Okay. That's gonna close after this. Yeah. Oh, dude, they tried to cancel my show. They kind of cancel my comedy club like two weeks ago. It was crazy. For what we hosted. We hosted the Danger Cats. And what's that? It's a group in. It's a comedy troupe in. Oh, it's the number one comedy grouping on the Canada man. Yeah. About this. That's interest. Exactly. Is it? It's a Canadian. Canadian comedy troop. They're coming down here in a few weeks. But yeah, like, got. They were like. Apparently they're like, tied to like, like Neo Nazis or some. I don't know. It was okay. Yeah, right, okay, right. And then the woke people were all flipping out and saying that I was like, affiliated with it. I was like, Jesus Christ. Right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You dress like you coach a Nazi basketball league. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why Newfoundland? That's where I was born. And. Okay. And then I moved. I moved. I moved to Toronto. I was living in Toronto for a while, and then the pandemic happened and then, like, everybody in Toronto cared about the pandemic and I went back to Newfoundland because it's like I was one of the last people to see the submersible leave. What do you mean by that? I have a boat and I was like, hanging out on the boat and I seen the submersible go away. They can do the Titan submersible. Ah, yeah. Gotcha. Yeah, gotcha. You knew which one. What do you do for work? I own a comedy club now. Nope. No, no, no. No one believes you. How do you make money? I own. I. I just. I have a couple businesses. What are the other businesses? The other business is a production company and I'm also a screenwriter and I. Yeah. How much money have you made screenwriting? Too much to talk about on the show, I guess. Really? Yeah. Have you written anything that we've seen? I got a movie called Party Pirate that's on Amazon prime right now. Party Pirate. Party Pirate. Where my Party Pirate fans up. Party Pirates. You've seen it. It's got surprisingly good ratings. I don't know. Canada. Editing, they just made the movie so shitty, I think. But, like, what is party? My opinion, like, literally, like, there was just like. Every time I submitted a script, they're like this, gotta get him out. It's got to come out. I'm like, sakes, man. Jesus Christ. It's not the same thing. I tried to put out there. But that's it. Is is party pilot about an Asia guy who flies planes. I didn't even hear what you said. What'd you say? What happened earlier in the show. That I'm not getting nothing. It was. It was right there in the moment because that's how Asians. Yeah. Sorry. Talk. This episode's brought to you by Incogni and to Kovis. So tell us something crazy about your life here. We're trying to figure something out. I know. I have a lot of near death experiences. Yeah. Yeah. I've like, almost died a bunch of times. Like, a lot. Too often. One of them got 30 million views in a day. What happened? I drove a side by side, a four seater side by side off like a seven story cliff. And then I rode it off, walked away immediately. And then the cartel were just like, you owe us $50,000. Ooh, the Italians are coming. No, the cartel. The Mexican cartel. No. I know. Do you count tonight as one of the nights you almost died? I bond on stage. Yeah. It's terrible. Holy fuck. Yeah. Are there. Do you have audiences? Are you used to performing in front of other human beings? Yeah, yeah. Those jokes. Are those. Those three jokes, like, they are the most performed, like, best performance ones. What the was that sentence you just said? I know. I've. I've got this fluency too. I've got a bunch of disabilities, so it's like you can't tell. But what we all do. What is your. What is your best joke that you could tell right now? It's not quick. Like, trying to perform, like, trying to, like, get a minute is so much harder than trying to do like a three minute set or any of that. Right. Because you have long setups. Right? Yeah, Right, right. Yes, I am. Right. Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna keep it moving here. Here's a little joke book. Newfoundland. Christ. Okay. Oh, everybody's sad. I mean, he's doesn't have any. There's nothing to talk about there. He going to keep it moving along. Keep it moving. Back to the bucket. Back to the bucket. This is surprisingly our ninth bucket pool of the night. We've been flying through it here tonight. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Everybody. Okay. Yeah. Hi. Hi, everybody. Yeah. I'm Neil Rubenstein. People mispronounce it all the time, too. Rubenstein. Rubenstein Goldberg. I'm named after my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein, but I know that wasn't his name, you know, because he came over from Poland in the 1930s, so his name was like a bunch of Cs and Z's. No vowels, inside out K for some reason. And just. The immigration guys couldn't read it. They're like, what are you showing me? A WI FI password? Like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today. You're gonna be Norman from now on. He said, my last name is Joe Norman Rubenstein. You guys made me nervous. Holy shit. We're giving a lot of Normans today. You'll be Norman from now on. Norman Rubenstein. He said, my last name's Jones. Like, not anymore, Jew. And they just shoved him back down the stairs. That's how it was for us. Never been a good time in history for the Jews. No, it's like, oh, you're Jewish. Right this way, you know? Well, once. Stepped on the. Well once, but all right, that one. Neil Rubenstein. Hello, Neil. Hello, Neil. You've been on this show before, right? Yeah. And it went better. Yeah, it went better last time. Yeah, it's all right. What do you think went wrong tonight? You said that we. I got nervous. I switched because he brought up Jew right away. Who? Whoever said Jew. I think they were yelling at Ari. Yeah. Also. Yeah. You know, because Mark looks Jewish. So I was like, all right, I guess we'll do Jew jokes or there's the rabbi in the middle here. Yeah. You haven't seemed to notice this Yiddish overlord. Quite the matzo balls. Yeah. Yeah. The final boss of Auschwitz. The video game here. Ari Shuffy. You look like you eat Jews. Yeah, yeah, you look. You look more like Reuben esque. Yeah, he did that last time. He did the Reuben. The Reuben sandwich. You don't have to. Yeah, the people are let the new people make the same jokes that everybody thinks when they see you. It should be a barometer to let you know exactly what people think. How long have you managed the Animal Band at Chuck E. Cheese? What do you do for work, Neil? What do you do? I just do this mostly, surprisingly. How do you make money doing this? Like doing shows, Road shows, And then also SiriusXM royalties and YouTube stuff from a show you have on SiriusXM? No, the wreck. I have a record out. That's right. And it's in, like, regular rotations. You're a musician? No, comedy album out. Oh, yeah. That's embarrassing. Isn't that concerning? How long have you been on stand up again? 10 years. 10 years. And you're making money doing this? Yeah. I mean, not a ton. Not as much as you guys, but. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're goddamn right. I bought My own clone. I have a hot tub in my bathtub. I do have a hot tub in my bath. I know. That's why I said it. Neil, since this isn't going hilarious from your end, let's go the other direction. Tell us about the saddest thing in your life, in your life of all time. Like, what's some type of trauma that you're dealing with, makes you cry? I tend to talk about my parents deaths a lot. Yeah. What happened there exactly? My mom died just a month after my dad. And did you eat both of them? Yes. So how did they die? My dad died. It was like concussive symptoms, but it was just like. He was just like an old man. He was an old man. And my mom died of leukemia, but we didn't believe her because she was like a huge red band. Red band. She was a huge hypochondriac. So we didn't believe her. Oh, my God. So your mom was complaining that she was sick with something, and you guys didn't believe her, and then it turns out she had leukemia. Yeah. So you must be dealing with the guilt of that. No, not really. I mean, what. What the. If I believed her, what would that change? She would have gotten treated for leukemia. Ever heard of chemotherapy? She was already. She was already, like, in the hospital, actually. Chemo. She had breast cancer. They gave her chemo. It gave her leukemia. Wait, she was in the hospital for cancer? And you. You still did not believe her? Where were you, the cafeteria? Yes. Yes. I'm so sorry. She was. Yeah, she. Because, like, she was always like, you know, I have fibromyalgia. We're like, like, what are the symptoms? Being mean to me, you know, like, wow, your mom was mean to you? Yeah. So then, like. Yeah, so then she was in the hospital for leukemia, and they were. It's okay. I don't know who's doing it, but it's great. Yeah, she's in the hospital and my sister was like, come see her. She's about to die. And we're like, yeah, we'll get there when we get there. And then what happened? I got there like, as she died. Like, when you say as she died, like, because, like, there's a part where the heart stops. No. So, like, was it. Did you make it or was it just afterwards you feel guilty about it? Should I be doing bits or. No, no, she just. I wasn't asking you, dickhead. Yeah, she. You know, it seems like you're dealing with a lot of trauma here, and I am gonna Bring out someone special to talk with you right now. Don't worry. It's not your mom or dad. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat. Make some noise. Swinging in just to give a quick analysis of the great Neil Rubenstein. A very, very special treat. Make some noise for the great and powerful Dr. Drew, everybody. Wow. Legend of the game. The man, the myth. We know him. We love him. The great and powerful Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew. Grab Mark Norman's mic there or Neil's, whatever, and been using it enough. The great Neil Rubenstein ran late to the death of his mother, and he has problems dealing with it. He. He says that his mom picked on him, his parents died, and that's why he says he eats himself to death every day. Do you have any advice taking some liberties with the story? So you were there when your mom died? Yeah, we watched. Yeah, we were there. And what happened? No, we just. Jesus Christ. She just died. She just. Yeah, she know. She was like. Just wanted her kids around her, and we all said goodbye, and she asked me to. You know, to make sure I make jokes about leukemia. Well, sometimes when your mom's a c, she does you a favor her. Because when she dies, you don't give a. Nah, she wasn't. She wasn't. Oh, now we're defending them. Well. Well, what am I supposed to do? So is there a food addiction here? Is that. I don't know. I just. Serious. Yes. Tell us about the food addiction, Neil. Go ahead. I don't know if it's food. I guess. I don't know. It is. It's food. It's food, bro. Yeah, it's definitely food. Have there been other addictions? I've fluctuated in my life. I am fat now. I'm also old now. I wasn't always that either. Yeah, I struggle. You seem like a very sensitive man. I am a sensitive man. I see that. I have rsd. Is that a thing? Rsd? What's that? I have hbo. But what is that? Really superb diet. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. I'm a sensitive. We're boring everybody to death right now. Maybe I should meet with him backstage. You know what? That's actually a great. What is rsd, though? I want to know what is a rejective. Whoa. Jesus. Wow, the audience is wild here tonight. Wild. Some guy just yelled regenerative sucking dick just to show you the quality of the fan base we have here. He's now bowing. Christ. What an. Guys, make some noise. What a. Just a fun pleasure to get to call them out, ladies and Gentlemen, the legend, the great American, Dr. Drewinski, everybody. This is a legendary show tonight. We do love you. Thank you, Dr. Drew. We're so happy you swung by. You ever never know who you'll see here. There they go. They're going to have a little session. I'm just kidding, Dr. Drew. Go enjoy yourself. You can't help that man, doctor. You're the only man who can wear a child's small shirt and make it look good. It's true. Except for us. We do a good job too. What an episode. Did you guys have fun tonight? This was so good. You know, there's only one way to end an episode like this. And it is with the reigning defending hall of fame gamer, the record holder for all time appearances and interviews, A man who some people say is the Richard Pryor's favorite comedian. Some people say that when this man sleeps at night, he. God, yes, go ahead. He dreams about Dane Cook Bits. That's right. Some people say that when he wakes up in the morning, Chuck Norris is afraid of him. He's the only guy who wipes his butt after he pees. A man so hot that he cooks steak on his own thigh. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, William Mon Montgomery. And that is true. I do wipe my butt after I pee. In case of any. Anytime I hear someone say, I didn't save my dog, my dog saved me. I'm like, you stole Lassie. Wait, were you drowning or. The children's show Sesame street is celebrating Pride Month. And I'm gonna be honest, I had no idea puppets had anuses. How about those people that say, I'd like to order an iced coffee, hold the ice. I wanna go up and say, I'd like a blowjob, but hold the blow. And they go, wait, what? And then I'm like, I'm sorry, can I fill out an application? And on the eighth day, God created Aphex Twin. And Aphex Twin said, no, we just need seven. And God was like, oh my God, he's such a genius. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Thank you, William Montgomery. William Montgomery has done it again. Unbelievable. A long awaited Aphex Twin reference. It's been a while. Been forever. I started listening to Apex Twin again. Tony. Yeah, you love it. What do you do when you listen Apex Twin? Have you been rowing? Fuck yeah. Well, I'm at 980,000 meters, so Wednesday I'm going to hit a million meters, Tony. On the row machine. I got to get my A1C down. I'm pre diabetic, so that's why I'm doing a million meters on the row. Machine. Machine. Wow, William, this is the first time I've ever seen long short shorts. It's the first time. What? Shut up, man. No, I really didn't hear you. The short. All right. Oh, the short shorts. William, what's your love life like? Wait, no. William's on every week. Me. We know his love life. That's. But yeah. Tony, I started and finished a puzzle. I started it Friday, finished it on Sunday. So what was the puzzle about? It was a hard one. We are talking. It was the table of a diner. It was a cheeseburger on there. It was two different types of pickles on there. It was a. Keep describing. Keep describing the things that were on the puzzle. There was a what? A cheeseburger? Yeah, there was the cheeseburger. I mean. And we're also talking apple pie. Couple straws of different colors. Those were kind of hard. Sorry, Tony, I just can't get into it tonight. You can't describe the things that were in the puzzle? I'm trying, but then it's like they were do. I don't know what's going on. Will it. Willie, I don't really want to get into it right now. No, come on, Willy. Willy. You. It's just friends here. Well, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Tony, I haven't told anybody this, but I've been out on the road. I've been having a great time out on the road. But I've actually turned into a bug chaser. And that's somebody that has unprotected sex with people with like HIV and stuff. And I'm getting my STD results tomorrow. Wow. So seriously, I'm a little worried about. And I have high blood pressure. High A1C. Uh huh. I could have HIV. What else? What else might you have? I mean, they're thinking maybe a little gonorrhea. I know I got herpes, Tony. So did it all work? Oh my goodness. What else have you heard of rsd? Rsd? Regenerative sucking dick. Yeah, that was the last guy. Wow. When you said you were a bug chaser, I thought maybe you were chasing bugs. No, it's a. If you were gonna chase bugs, what kind of bugs would you chase? What's your favorite bug? What are your favorite bugs? Oh my gosh. I love little cicadas. They make really fun noises in the summertime. Just cicadas, Tony. That's all I can Think about right now. I can only think. I'm sorry. No. What else? Hold on. What other bugs do I like? Beetles. Ooh, Red man, stop. Ladybugs. Some guy just yelled now. Ladybugs. What about. What about lady boys? What's your love life like? We're doing it. Red Band. Are you excited that there's two of me up here? William, you've done the show more than anybody else first seen it. I love it. Tony, it really is nice having two beautiful men up here like y'. All. It really has been so nice. And y' all are laughing at the same time. It has been so funny. And it's cool. I've loved it. Tony and the Zohan. It's a little reference. I love it. All right. All right, William, anything else crazy going on that we should know about this? Just heading to Tampa, Florida. So we'll see how Tampa goes. Oh, boy. Tampa. Yep. Huh. Why are you guys cheering for Tampa like that? What are your favorite cities, William? Oh, my gosh. I mean, I really love Portland. Named a liberal dumpster fire first in the middle of Texas. Another extremely liberal liberal conservative. They love gay stuff. Stuff. Oh, my God. That cigarette's out. It's beyond the filter. I've never seen someone smoke that far into a cigarette. What is wrong with me? William, anything else? You name a few more bugs that you love. Huh? A. Oh, someone. Yep. Why did that say Jacksonville? He said bugs. He's like, what kind of bugs? I'm trying to think of bugs. I don't need to. It's sure as not Jacksonville. You stupid. For the places I like. Seriously. What the is that? You stupid. I'm already obviously having a really hard time up here tonight. Seriously. I gotta go to the doctor tomorrow. You stupid. I'm almost at a million meters on the row machine. I'm sure your stupid ass couldn't touch that, you stupid bitch. You're probably horribly out of shape. I've been doing it every day. You. William Montgomery has done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, this episode brought to you by Incogni and Tacobus. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman. Tell us your what's. What's shaking the pods? You're on tour. What's the website for tickets? Hey, Mark Norman, Comedy Dot com. Get some T. Praise Allah. Creep it up. Comedy. The great Ari Shaffir. Where are you? Where are you at? Mark Norman's filming a special November in Boulder, Colorado. Everyone come see that. Wow. Plugging Mark Norman's special taping six months out. Yeah. Any are you up to Anything. I've got a new podcast called you be tripping. Got over 20 listeners. Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. We always love it. The protect our parks boys are in town. Go see them on the road. We love them. We love them. And we love us. We love us. I love me. Come see me on the road. Yes, indeed. Believe it or not, everybody, you're not going to believe this. This. But this actually isn't me. It's Adam Ray, everyone. Kill Tony hall of famer, guest of the year, multi, multi character legend. And now, I must admit, this is indeed my new favorite character. Joe Biden, Dr. Phil, I mean, Jeremy, Elaine, Adam Ray and all the greats. And now Tony Hinchcliffe has joined the fray. Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. I must say, while we've always had a guest of the year, I'd like to announce that this year we will have the first, first ever host of the year award here on this show. And there are only two nominees and they're both me. Everybody, it's me. And me, Red Band. Love you guys. We love you. We did it again. You guys were here for another episode of what used to be the number one live podcast in the world. It is now the number one copy comedy show in the world. This is Kill Tony. Thank you, good night. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Then we talk about Red Band secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. One more time for Red Band Kill Tony Merch. What's the website again? Red Band. Unbelievable. We're really doing it. Red Band killtonymerch.com for all your Kill Tony merch. Kill Merch. Fuck. Fuck. Redman. Oh, my God. Of course. Follow the Kill Tony band all through Austin. They're playing throughout the week. One more time for the best goddamn fan in the fucking land. And now we've done all our. Don't leak anything. That's right. Everything you see tonight has never been done before. Don't leak anything. Don't say who was on the show. Don't say why my vest looks bigger. Don't say anything about the show. Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what? Sa.