#727 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

Summary

Kill Tony Episode #727 - Joe DeRosa & Tim Butterly (July 15, 2025)

Filmed live at the Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony brings high-energy chaos and unpredictably raw comedy to the packed Comedy Mothership. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban helm the night alongside guest panelists Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly, both rising stars recently transplanted from the East Coast and contenders for “Guest of the Year.” The format is classic Kill Tony: aspiring and seasoned comics deliver one-minute sets before being roasted, praised, and deeply interrogated by the panel.

This week, the show features everything from shock-humor sets, wild personal revelations (including trans military service, addiction recovery, and palm readings), a spontaneous running musical gag (“Bags and Boxes”), and no shortage of raucous laughter, roast battles, and poignant moments. It’s an episode that rides the line between brutal comedy and genuine connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Panel Intro & Setting the Tone

• Tony Hinchcliffe opens by pumping up the audience's energy and introducing the band and panel guests.
• Joe DeRosa trips coming onto the stage; Tony immediately riffs on his clumsiness, setting a roast-heavy mood.

  Quote (Tony, 03:00): “You could have done anything and you tripped the second you came out… The Internet’s laughing at you right now.”

• The show is explained for newcomers—over 200 comedians sign up for a shot to perform.

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2. Comedians’ One-Minute Sets & Interviews

a. Todd Royce – The Molestation Bit

• Delivers a jaw-droppingly dark set about being taught to masturbate by his stepdad, blending trauma with comedy (06:08).
• Deep-dive interview explores whether the story was real (it was), his difficult family background, and his weight (“You have hours to live.” – Tony, 08:44).
• Panel discussion on how to make dark material believable for the audience:

  Joe DeRosa (13:05): “I think you have to figure out how to make the audience realize, like, no, you’re telling the truth at that point.”

• Running gags about food, body size, and carb-heavy diets ensue.

b. Jay Legend – Dad Struggles & ‘Bags and Boxes’ Song

• Jokes about being an inadequate “Taken” movie dad and co-parenting (16:46).
• Interview covers his move from Chicago to Austin, living situation, and balancing comedy with parenting.
• Tony prompts Jay to sing a song written while high on mushrooms—“Bags and Boxes”—which sparks a running musical theme throughout the show, with multiple callbacks and parodies.

  Lyrics (22:26): “You left me alone and afraid... all I have to my name, all the bags and boxes you left me.”

c. Ram B – Religion and Rap

• Tells a story about women on drugs and their religious tendencies, then does a quick rap version of “Bags and Boxes” (24:41, 29:22).
• Explains his work history, move for comedy, and recent breakup.

d. Darren Jones – Edgy Jokes & Freestyle Rap

• Covers abortion/vaccine conspiracy jokes and climate change protestors (30:54).
• Detailed interview about his “blackest” qualities, moving from Dayton to Austin, and love life with Mexican women.
• Offers a rap about drug dealing, morphing it into (you guessed it) “Bags and Boxes.”

  Tony (38:13): “What do you think is the blackest thing about you?”
  Darren (38:15): “Probably my mentality… I’m a n**** to the core, man.”

e. Johnny Morkney – The Teacher

• Jokes about teaching teens almost his own age and comedic battle with students (42:23).
• Outed as part-Thai, surviving wild students, and having appeared on “House Hunters International.”
• Handles questions about saying edgy material as a teacher (46:39).

f. Kansai Yasuda – Japanese Comedy & Ramen Fame

• Bilingual comic contrasts his English and Japanese personas, and Tony riffs on his ramen house blowing up after a Kill Tony plug (49:39).
• Reads out 5-star fan-written Yelp reviews with Tony.
• Confesses it’s hard to be funny in Japanese, though he performs a short joke in Japanese at Tony’s prompting (57:14).
• Announces his Canadian tour, with ticket info via Instagram (@kankomedy).

g. Celia Contreras – Stranded Comic & Palm Readings

• Jokes about owning a rape whistle and complicated sex, riffing on her current emotional chaos due to travel mishaps (59:14).
• Shares how she makes money via comedy, tarot, and topless pics for lonely men (“If I think you’re going to kill yourself, it’s free.”).
• Reads Tony and Redban’s palms on stage—a major crowd-pleaser segment (64:36).

h. Joe Ellis – Trans Blackhawk Pilot, Sued after Crash Conspiracy

• Delivers a bold, self-roasting set about being a trans military pilot accused online of orchestrating a crash (68:14).
• Reveals she was discharged after a new administration’s anti-trans executive order; details her transition while in the service and the intricacies of medically transitioning (“titty skittles” for hormones).
• Describes being doxed, suing Matt Wallace, and navigating dating life as a trans lesbian.

  Tony (71:39): “What is the shopping process for vaginas like, exactly?”
  Joe Ellis: “It’s crazy… like I’m shopping for cars on Facebook Marketplace.”

• Panel (especially Derosa) riff on her “keep the cock” decisions and new dating adventures.

i. Keith Ray – Former Drunk, Ursula Enthusiast

• Obsesses on Ursula from The Little Mermaid, focusing on her “ride or die bottom bitch energy” and multi-pussy tentacles (83:36).
• Shares sobering up after being fired as a doorman and how hot yoga and a comedy family saved him.

j. Sancho Pancho Villa – The Short Marine & Side-Dude

• At 5’1”, jokes about dating tall women for genetic benefits and shares “Sancho” lifestyle stories (90:24).
• Admits he intentionally pursues married women and offers a graphic demonstration of his sex technique (“pelvic thrust—100 mph”), to roaring laughter.
• Plugs veteran nonprofit AHERUSA.org for disabled vets (101:06).

k. Mike Ryan – Blue Collar Dad

• Takes a self-deprecating jab at not fitting in among comics, class clowns, or the molested (102:00).
• Tells of working in a chemical refinery and co-parenting his daughter.
• Lighthearted debate about remote work, porn, and church camps for kids.

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3. Musical Gag: “Bags and Boxes”

• Jay Legend’s mushroom-written heartbreak song quickly becomes a running motif, with multiple comedians and Tony himself riffing, singing, and parodying it throughout the show.

  Tony (28:01): “Bags and boxes, with bags and boxes… Hell, yeah.” Joe DeRosa (28:17): “I’m not gonna be able to sleep because that song… I’m gonna be in a padded room six years from now: Who left me boxes!?”

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4. Notable Quotes & Interactions

• On Comedy & Trauma:

  Joe DeRosa (13:05): “You have to figure out how to push that… into the audience believing, like, oh, he’s really opening up about this, but making it funny.”

• On Roast Battle:

  Tony (85:02): “Joe DeRosa… I never thought I’d see a comedian that made Uncle Laser look distinguished, but dear Lord…”

• On Trans Dating:

  Joe Ellis (80:55): “I mean, it’s great if you want to do, like, dp. Like double penetration…”
  Tony (81:00): “Catches like a woman. The transition is happening.”

• On Life, Death, and Statins:

  William Montgomery (113:55): “I have a 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, and I don’t even know what 200% means.”

• On Comedy Family:

  Keith Ray (89:29): “I quit drinking because this club’s a family and I wasn’t going to pick the bottle over my family.”

• On Roasting Redban:

  Tony (66:14): “Redban doesn’t have a lifeline. It’s a drive-through line.” Celia Contreras (66:37): “You have like five splayed lifelines, but… they don’t get to here. So you might die sooner than you want to.”

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:03] – Opening energy, guest intros, Joe DeRosa’s trip
• [06:08] – Todd Royce’s dark molestation set & interview
• [16:46] – Jay Legend’s “Taken” joke, bags and boxes debut
• [24:41] – Ram B set and rapid-fire “Bags and Boxes” rap
• [30:54] – Darren Jones, natural comic, “black mentality” riff, drug dealer rap
• [42:23] – Johnny Morkney, high school teacher set/interview
• [49:39] – Kansai Yasuda, Japanese/English comedy, ramen house fame
• [59:14] – Celia Contreras set, palm readings, topless pics for lonely men
• [68:14] – Joe Ellis; trans Blackhawk pilot, military discharge, online conspiracy
• [83:36] – Keith Ray, Ursula material, addiction recovery
• [90:24] – Sancho Pancho Villa, Marine, “side-dude,” sex demo
• [102:00] – Mike Ryan, chemical plant comic, co-parenting, chill day job
• [110:31] – William Montgomery, “statin” jokes, new tics, “Bags and Boxes” callback finale

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Memorable Moments

• Tony’s relentless roasting of both panel and participants.
• Joe Ellis’ intensely raw, honest, and funny breakdown of military and transition experiences.
• The recurring absurdity of “Bags and Boxes,” with everyone from rappers to Tony riffing and parodying it.
• Celia reading palms live on stage, roasting both Redban and Tony.
• Wild, physical demonstration of pelvic thrusting by Sancho Pancho Villa.
• William Montgomery’s increasingly bizarre medical updates.

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Episode Tone & Flow

True to its reputation, this episode is raucous, unfiltered, and frequently veers into the profane. But even amidst the relentless roasting, the episode finds real moments of empathy, vulnerability, and weird comedic brilliance—whether in discussions of trauma, sexuality, addiction, or family.

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Panel Attribution

• Tony Hinchcliffe: Host, ringmaster, master roaster.
• Brian Redban: Sidekick, button-pusher, soundboard master.
• Joe DeRosa: Candid, insightful, and always game for a riff or a roast.
• Tim Butterly: East Coast flavor, sharp wit.
• Rotating band of comics and musicians: Energy, musical callbacks, rapid-fire support.

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Closing Thoughts

• The episode is a perfect encapsulation of what makes Kill Tony unique: unscripted, boundary-pushing comedy, unvarnished self-revelation, and the wild unpredictability of live performance.
• Bottom line: If you’re easily offended, this isn’t your show. If you want the wildest intersection of stand-up, roast, and social experiment—you won’t find a better hour and a half of unpredictable, raw, and (surprisingly) heart-filled comedy.

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“Bags and boxes, you left me…” — The accidental anthem of the night.

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening

[Joe DeRosa]

to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and

[Joe DeRosa]

anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red man coming to you live from the comedy mothership here

[Joe DeRosa]

in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitsclan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh?

[Celia Contreras]

Yippee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hola. And that is the best damn band in all the land, everybody. I bought one more time for them. There you go. That is Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. That's Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed the one and only D Madness. Live in the flesh. We are here we are live. The number one live comedy podcast in the world. And we're very excited. We have an amazing episode for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This is a special one because not only are these two of the greats, not only are these two guys up for guest of the year right now, but it's also two of the younger bucks that fucking just moved here from the east coast. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greats. Make some noise for the great Joe derosa and Tim Butterly. Yes. Oh, yeah. Joe derosa tripped on his way out. Absolutely perfect. Millions of people saw it. Millions of people saw. You tripped it. Tripped. You could have done anything and you tripped the second you came out. You son of a. The Internet's laughing at you right now.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was never there before. Why did you add that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. There is a little lift there that wasn't there before.

[Todd Royce]

Why was there?

[Joe DeRosa]

Why is there a lift now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we have a brand new custom table and it comes all in one giant. This whole thing's a part of it. It's a chunk.

[Joe DeRosa]

Boy, you're all zipped up for 98 degree weather.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my friend, I got news for you.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

70 degrees flat 54% humidity. 70.7. Cuz. I knew you were going to talk about this light windbreaker being zipped up.

[Joe DeRosa]

Light windbreaker. Why do you have it zipped above your Adam's apple?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? I. I like it like that. I like it like that. That's how I like it. I protect my neck. I don't. So that people don't see these little rolls that you have there.

[Joe DeRosa]

I did those on purpose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, whose neck am I? Joe derosa's neck. Make some noise for the great Tim Butterly is here, everybody. The newest resident of Austin, Texas fresh this week. Do you guys see how smoothly I walked out here? Yes. Not a single trip. No rolls in his neck looking beautiful. Making it look easy. That's right. Tim Butterley has the Tim Butterley show on YouTube. And Metal Girl Solid. He's on social media at TimButterley. Joe DeRosa is a brand new special. July 21st at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. You guys have both been guests on the show. You know how it works. For those of you that might not know, perhaps you're an innocent girlfriend dragged here tonight by your podcast loving boyfriend. And you just hear us in the background and you don't know what he's laughing at. Every Monday at 8pm well over 200 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. They are so stacked all together next door at a dingy bar, hoping that we pull their name out. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about them. What could they could be talking about, what is interesting about their lives. The entire thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? It's pretty. I'm gonna tell you, you're a pretty polite audience. The show's a little more rock and roll than that. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? There you go. That's what we expect throughout the episode. So if you guys need to order a shot of tequila or something, fucking do it now. Let loose. You're in the middle of Texas at the number one comedy show in the world. And we shall start it with a golden ticket winner, everybody. We're gonna get that other bucket pool wrangled from next door. And while we do, we have a Man standing right behind that curtain. He won a golden ticket in Portland, Oregon, I do believe, about five, six, seven years ago. And he's here with a brand new minute. Starting tonight's show with a minute of comedy. This is Todd.

[William Montgomery]

Ro.

[Todd Royce]

What's going on, Austin? I don't know if this is weird. When I was 13 years old, my stepdad taught me how to masturbate. And I don't listen. I give him credit because at that age, all of my friends were being taught. The birds and the bees. But Dale looked at me and was like, todd's gonna have to learn how to take care of himself. So he called me into his room and showed me how to jerk off on a banana. With a banana? His banana. His dick. He jerked off in front of me. And here's the weird part. This is what has always stuck out in my memory, is that he wasn't even erect at all, which hurt, you know? Well, look, I just feel like if you're gonna sexually assault a child, you should be on your A game. You know, Fluff it up a little bit, smack it around, or whatever you gotta do. Plus, who can't get hard with these tits? And I was young. They were perky. You know what I mean? Thank you. One more, one more. When he finished. Well, he didn't finish. He wasn't like, watch, this is the best part. But when he was done, he told me, whatever you do, please don't tell your mom about this. And I immediately told my mom about this. And, well, look, I'm sorry. I know snitches get stitches, but if you show me your cock, I'm gonna talk. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Todd Royce, welcome, welcome. Is that true? Did you get molested?

[Todd Royce]

That's true. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[Todd Royce]

This is starting to make more sense now.

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who were you molested by? The Burger King or something? Who was this? Exactly what makes you want to eat obsessively after being molested?

[Todd Royce]

I get hard every time I see a clown with some cheeseburgers, so. Jesus. Red band again. Do you look at red band right now? Look at red band representing Palm Springs. Look at this. And then. You're making fun of me. That's. Do you realize how fucked up that is?

[Joe DeRosa]

Red band didn't say anything.

[Todd Royce]

No, he. It was the oink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, I see. You're right. You did make fun of him. You're such a weight as me. What the fuck are you talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Twice the weight as a red band, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get back to this Molestation thing, which you tried to fucking segue into Red Band's fat jokes, which doesn't really work. That's like me calling Joe Derosa gay. Like I'm gayer than Joe DeRosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

That is true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you calling Red fat really doesn't work at all. Even though when you're not here, he is morbidly obese.

[Todd Royce]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you, my friend, I mean, you have hours to live. So I want to get this interview. I want to get to it here. This is absolutely incredible, Todd, by the

[Todd Royce]

way, real quick, do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Okay. You go right the fuck ahead, Todd. Do whatever the fuck you want. Welcome to Kill Todd, everybody. Brought to you by carbohydrates. Jesus fucking Christ. Good Lord.

[Todd Royce]

I'm sorry, you're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead. You're goddamn right. Son of a fucking bitch. I want to talk about you getting molested.

[Todd Royce]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The world wants to know, so take us through it. Who was it exactly?

[Todd Royce]

It was my. My third stepdad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your third stepdad? Wow. I know steps are rough for you, but stepdads? That's incredible. Holy.

[Todd Royce]

I've had more dads than I've had girlfriends, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's just stick with the interview. Todd, this whole riffing thing in between everything really isn't cutting it for me. So let's talk for a second because I need to gather information about this. It's your third stepdad?

[Todd Royce]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's wrong with your mom? How many. What is going on there? How many stepdads have you had?

[Todd Royce]

5.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. She marries all these guys?

[Todd Royce]

Well, yeah, that's how they became my stepdad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but that's crazy. Does she know you don't have to marry every fucking guy that throws it in her? Fucking dilapidated. Dilapidated. I want you to hear dilapidated vagina. I need to make sure you hear me talking about your mother's vagina Very clearly. Sucky, sucky. That makes no sense there whatsoever. I'm just being fucking bombarded from every angle from fat guys. All right, so your third stepdad, and what exactly does he do to you? Did he really use a banana?

[Todd Royce]

No, no, no, that was the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He.

[Todd Royce]

He actually showed me. With his dick. He pulled his pants down and showed me how to. How to masturbate.

[Jay Legend]

Uh huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he was just doing it to himself.

[Todd Royce]

He was. Yeah. And then.

[Keith Ray]

And.

[Todd Royce]

But then he did. You know, when you show someone how to do something, you want to make sure they learn, so he had me show him that you do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you did it?

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old were you?

[Todd Royce]

Thirteen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That was the first time you masturbated?

[Todd Royce]

That was the first time I masturbated pretty late.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

13's kind of late, right? About 11, 12, 11.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Todd Royce]

Well, I've been humping the floor for a while. See, I think that's actually why he wanted to show me.

[Joe DeRosa]

Somebody drop some chips down there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. Humping the floor. Look at you. You can't even do that now with your dick touching the floor. Your dick's elevated if you lay down on your belly nowadays, isn't it?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

A little bit.

[Todd Royce]

A little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit.

[Todd Royce]

That's why I was glad when he wanted me to show him at least someone could look at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, so incredible. So did you masturbate to completion in front of your third stepdad?

[Todd Royce]

I did not, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Did you get hard? No.

[Todd Royce]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

Believe it or not, you failed.

[Todd Royce]

I did, Yeah. I am not good at masturbating, and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're not good at getting molested. What a buzz kill this is. No, I know. You're supposed to fucking, like, come. Am I right, people? All right, so anyway, was it at all, like. Like, learning how to drive where he's like, you're doing it wrong?

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, it was a lot like, you know, you have to, like, work the shift and everything. Like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And feather it?

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was. There was a couple times where he was, like, giving me instructions like, no, not like this. Like this. And just, you know, this feels very awkward. This feels like a really weird meeting. This is a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to kill Tony. This is the interview portion of the show where sometimes we talk about things that you don't get to control. Tom.

[Todd Royce]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is like, I feel like your sick stepdad right now teaching you how to go through an interview process. And you are soft. That is true.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Todd, I will say I thought your material was excellent.

[Todd Royce]

Oh, thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

I actually thought. I think you. Because it actually did happen. I think you have to figure out a way to make the audience realize, like, no, you're telling the truth at that point. Because when you switched into the real, like, I thought you were just going for shock value. I was like, oh, none of this part actually happened. The first thing did. But the whole thing was fucking great. I think you just have to figure out how to push that second part into the audience believing, like, oh, no. He's really, like, this is for real. He's opening up about this, but making it funny.

[Todd Royce]

Okay, thank you. I appreciate that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I will say the profuse sweating is getting you halfway there? Yeah. Yeah. It's believable with the sweating. You are a moist, moist little pudding ball.

[Todd Royce]

I'm getting.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you're happily married now, right?

[Todd Royce]

I am married. I've been married for 18 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. 18 years. Wow. And what does your wife do for a living?

[Todd Royce]

She is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd imagine she professionally is a air fryer. Is this an air fryer you got married to?

[Jay Legend]

I love that.

[Joe DeRosa]

You think he would use an air fryer?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. She must be a professional. What, a microwave repair woman? What exactly does she do for a living? A grocery store cart pusher. She must be a fantastic chef, right? Does she cook for you?

[Todd Royce]

She does, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What is. What does she make? What are some of the. What did you have yesterday for dinner?

[Todd Royce]

What did I have yesterday for dinner? We had. We had. Well, I was flying down here. We had Eggo waffles. So perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. I'm sure your doctor would be proud. I'm sure your doctor's saying you're not getting enough Eggo waffles for dinner on a Sunday evening.

[Joe DeRosa]

My favorite part of that was watching him mentally scroll through which dinner yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And landing with all the pressure, millions of people inevitably watching this. You landed on Eggo waffles being the

[Todd Royce]

answer I was trying to impress. It was actually store brand waffles. It wasn't even Eggo. Wow,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

wow, wow. Have you had any pedo thoughts or like gay things in your head since being molested? Great question. Redban with a great question. Always the best questions. Have you had any pedo thoughts? Fucking.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's definitely had PETA thoughts.

[Todd Royce]

I've had Cheeto thoughts, but no pedo thoughts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So incredible what ended up happening to this third season stepdad. Have you ever checked in with him?

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, he died. He died a few years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Died from. Obviously died from disappointment from you not getting that sweet little hardcock. I have a real question. Did anything from the lesson stick with you?

[Todd Royce]

Just the memory. Just the. Just the. I do remember he wasn't. He wasn't erect at all. Like, he was not. He was just. He was just flapping in the way. I was hard as a rock, but he was. Didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe he's just a. Maybe he was trying to be cool.

[Todd Royce]

Maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever thought about going around and helping a 12 year old boy?

[Todd Royce]

I. Well, getting back to Ricky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like someone's biggest fear. All right, Kirby. Get away from me. Okay, Red Band Todd. Very fun times. You did it again. So many great Appearances on this show.

[Todd Royce]

Thanks, man. Thanks. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started. Todd Royce. And now we move to the bucket, where anything can happen. A lot of these people we meet for the first time, this young man we actually know. He works here at the Comedy Mothership. They all sign up every week. Every once in a while, we pull one of them out. This guy's one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Let's see a brand new minute from Jay Legend, everybody. Jay Legend. Hell yeah.

[Jay Legend]

I just had a daughter 10 months ago, which is a dope experience. She's so precious and small. I'm looking at life through a different lens now. I gotta protect her, you know, Like I just rewatched the movie Taken for the first time as a girl dad. It's crazy. Cause I'm looking at Liam Neeson in this movie. Like, I wanna be like this dad, right? His daughter was kidnapped in Europe. He was given a 36 hour window to save her life.

[Kansai Yasuda]

And.

[Jay Legend]

And in 36 hours he flew to Europe, killed 40 dudes and brought his daughter the fuck home. And I'm like, that's how you operate if your daughter kidnapped, you get your ass up and you go get her. I can't do it. But you should try if you got the ability, right? There's too many things that'll stop me from being that dad. The first thing that'll stop me was he bought a flight to Europe the same day. The same day, my nigga. To Europe all the way. No layover. That's crazy, right? Plus, I don't have a passport. Okay, so now, now I'm four weeks behind the 36 hour deadline, trying to set up a payment arrangement with the killer to see if I could cash app him $200 to put my daughter

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at the back of the line.

[Jay Legend]

It don't work like that. It'd be a different movie if I was in it. It'd be called Gone Forever. You're not gonna. Yo, that's my time. I'm Jay Legend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Exactly one minute. Stunning performance by J. J Legend.

[Jay Legend]

Oh, yeah. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Jay Legend]

What's up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Everything about that joke feels real. Feels like you would do that.

[Jay Legend]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. So, Jay, remind us, how long have you been doing standup?

[Jay Legend]

Six years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[Jay Legend]

I'm from Chicago originally. Started comedy in Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Started in Florida. You've seen the Bean in Chicago?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah, yeah. Touched it, flicked it, peed on it drunk once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. You people really do some crazy things. So Jay how's life now? How long have you lived in Austin?

[Jay Legend]

So I'm going on like a year and a half I've been here. It's great. The whole first year, I moved out here without my kids. They were back home in Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many kids do you have?

[Jay Legend]

Two. Son and a daughter. And came out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They live in Florida?

[Jay Legend]

No, they moved here now. They live with me now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jay Legend]

So, yeah, I finally got to move them out here and it's been dope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Are you still with the baby mama?

[Jay Legend]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you have your kids just to yourself?

[Jay Legend]

No, she here too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, she's here too. So you guys co parent, right? Co parent.

[Jay Legend]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what does she do? Does she paint nails?

[Jay Legend]

No, I just pay all the bills.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She works at the dmv.

[Jay Legend]

I pay everything. And she just watches the kids?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She just watches the kids?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Easy Living Red Band's freaking out over here. So she just watches the kids. And you're able to support yourself, her and the kids, with a comedian? The budget of a comedian?

[Jay Legend]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you do it? Explain to these people how you pull it off, Jay Legend. Who are you stealing money from?

[Jay Legend]

Nobody, man. I just non stop work. I work here as a door guy. I get whatever work I get from here. I'm on a road with David Lucas. I feature him sometimes, so that pays a lot of money. I'm out on the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You and David Lucas on the Trying to Support Our Children tour.

[Jay Legend]

That's what it's called. We start. It's next year when it starts.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, it's fucking incredible. What am I doing wrong with my money? I'm single, I have nothing, and every month I'm terrified of being broke. And then I'll meet a waitress who's like, I have six kids. I'm like, I don't understand how it's possible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, they're not tripping when they walk out. Big shows.

[Joe DeRosa]

How many video games am I buying? Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible, man.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah, it's hard. It's hard. It's hard. I can't, like, do what I want at all. But, you know, fuck it, I'm nutted in her. So these are the consequences.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These are the consequences of nutting in a woman. Tim Butterly. There's probably some money in making a black version of Taken.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And calling it took. You guys have a good night. Yeah. A movie about you and wallets.

[Jay Legend]

I thought it was like a slavery thing, but cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, it really. It plays both ways.

[Jay Legend]

Look, already happened.

[Joe DeRosa]

That Guy Todd, he's got a movie coming out. It's called Bacon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. So, Jay, tell us what's something crazy that you do for fun when you're getting away from the kids and the baby mama and everything? What's something other than stand up comedy? What do you do for like a little release? You have any?

[Darren Jones]

I don't know.

[Jay Legend]

One time I got like, I did some mushrooms and I wrote a song that was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. You like wrote the lyrics to a song?

[Jay Legend]

Hell yeah, bro. I was okay. So I was going through the first breakup with my baby mama and we were moving out of apartment and she just like took the kids and moved in with her mom and left me in a house and I was dead. Mushrooms out after an open mic and I came home and I couldn't sleep at like 2 in the morning. So I wrote a song that was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does the song go? Do you remember it?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, tell us. How many of you want to hear Jay's song? Jay legend making his musical debut here live at the Mothership in front of millions of people. That's crazy. And here. All right, so we go.

[Jay Legend]

So she left me. I was single at the time. I was hurt. So these are the lyrics. The song is called Bags and Boxes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's called Bags and Boxes.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah, because that's all she left me with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, she packed bags and boxes.

[Jay Legend]

All right, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, here we go. Okay. Bags and boxes coming up.

[Jay Legend]

Not gonna be good. You left me alone and afraid and you left me here to deal with this pain and you left me with a pictureless frame and all I have to my name all the bags and boxes you left me Did I do this alone? And you left me and what I thought was my home and you left me and everything is all gone and all I have to my name I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's better than a modern day Will Smith, that's for sure. Bags and boxes.

[Jay Legend]

So I was broke as I didn't have nothing but bags and boxes and some mushrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I love it. Those are some good mushrooms.

[Jay Legend]

Song when you hurt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those are great mushrooms, cuz. That song sucks. Dude,

[Joe DeRosa]

honestly, you left me.

[Jay Legend]

Tony, make fun of my hurt man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's adorable. Jake, Great stuff. Fun times. Red band. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

[Jay Legend]

Hell yeah, I'll be there. Appreciate you, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You already have a big joke book, right? Yep. Jay Legend. And back to the bucket we go, everybody. This looks like a. Oh my God. We know what that sound means. It is indeed. The lovely Heidi. Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. My goodness. Wow. With bags and boxes you left me. It's actually kind of catchy. He sucks at singing, but if, like, a real singer sang that, that'd be great. You left me. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It is Ram B. Ram B.

[Ram B]

Hello, hello, hello. So I was recently in Wisconsin. Anybody from Wisconsin in the house? All right, normally there is, which is crazy. So I played a new game called do hard drugs and see who turns to Jesus first. Yeah, I hadn't played this game yet. I was at the bar. One girl that was like, 40, I'm 47. She was another girl that was like 25. We go back to the apartment, we hanging out. They doing lines and shit, talking about, oh, yeah, you should see my white veil that I go to church in. Oh, my God, you go to St. Bernard's I go to Saint oh, my God, Augustine. We should go together. And I'm like, you know what? I think Ramby just won the drink game of see who turns to Jesus first, because I just did a little bit. They was doing rails and went all the way, you know?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah.

[Ram B]

My daughter said she saw Jesus at her bedside once, and I thought it was a Mexican dude named Jesus and his protective father. I was ready to throw hands, you know, I was ready to go for it. Then I realized I had to ask. Hey, you got to ask Jesus a question. I don't know how you're here, because I definitely pulled out, you know. Thank you. Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Ram B. You know, I'm still thinking about the song you just sang for us a second ago. Starting to grow on me a little bit. With bags and boxes you left me. Hey, hey. This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's a different guy, everybody. It's a different guy.

[Ram B]

That's a new one. I might have to download that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ram B]

The funny thing is I do rap and sing, which is hilarious to me because I wasn't expecting that standing back there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no idea what you just said. Ram B, how long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Ram B]

Since 2021. So four years. About.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since 20 what?

[Ram B]

2021. So about four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, four years. What do you do for work?

[Celia Contreras]

Work.

[Ram B]

I used to do a lot of physical jobs like machining and stuff like that, but now I'm actually doing, like, phone, customer service.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Phone, customer service. You do that from home or you do that from, like, an office?

[Ram B]

I just started, so it'll be an office. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Real cool.

[Ram B]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what was the job that you had right before? How long have you been doing that?

[Ram B]

But I'm like a weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A weekend?

[Ram B]

Yeah. I just started training. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I got it. So what was the job you were doing right before that?

[Ram B]

That I was moving people's apartments. Like, moving? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Ram B]

I know. You looked at me like. You don't look like you can lift a couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it doesn't.

[Ram B]

Yeah. No, it's. It was too back breaking, and I got a bad back, so I said, all right, I'm done with that, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Ram B]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Ram B]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Ramby, what's your love life like?

[Ram B]

I am single.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ram B]

I had a girl for a while, then moved to Austin to do comedy, and she didn't want to come, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she's up in Wisconsin.

[Ram B]

Yeah. And that's. That's no longer a thing. We don't talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long has it been since you talked?

[Ram B]

February.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

February.

[Ram B]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You miss her?

[Ram B]

Honestly? Yeah, but, you know, not enough to care right now. You know what I mean? I'm gonna kill Tony. I'm not thinking about that. You know what I'm saying? Right. I got bigger fish to fry.

[Joe DeRosa]

You feel me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bags and boxes with bags and boxes Bags and boxes. Hell, yeah. Rambi's getting into it. All right, all right, all right.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm not gonna be able to sleep because that song, it's gonna be crazy. I'm gonna be in a padded room six years from now. Who left me boxes? God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it is getting catchier by the minute. It turns out if anybody other than Jay Legend singing it makes it a perfect song. Ram, have you ever written a song or done anything other than standup comedy of any other time?

[Ram B]

Yeah, I actually rap for about 25 years. And. And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no way. We got to hear you rap, dude.

[Ram B]

It's not going to be funny. It's just going to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We want to hear. Yeah. Is it an original? You have your own. Okay, let's get a little beat from Michael.

[Johnny Morkney]

Let's see.

[Ram B]

It'll be kind of slash, rapping and singing.

[Mike Ryan]

Be more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whatever you want, but just give them the. The. One, two, three.

[Ram B]

I called my baby oh, she didn't pick up I'm sitting in a forte I ain't got no pickup she ripped my heart out oh, we got gory I'm singing the same song as many

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

before me, but you left me with bags and boxes. You left me. Hey. Bags and boxes sale. Bags and boxes, bags and boxes. The little joke bug. Ram B. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, yeah, we're flying through it here tonight. We're having a good old time. We're fun, fun times, Ram. Come back, sign up again sometime. We're going to keep it moving. We having fun here tonight, huh? All right. I think you guys all understand what the show is. Anything can happen and it's completely retarded. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody. One minute uninterrupted for Darren Jones. Oh, wow.

[Kansai Yasuda]

All right.

[Darren Jones]

I don't know what's going on. Must be a black thing or some shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, that's cool.

[Darren Jones]

But I heard they put aborted fetuses and some vaccines. That shit tripped me out when I first heard it. I'm like, damn, man, I'm glad I didn't get that shot. Had blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy. Like, depending on like, who got the abortion, you gonna have the essence of a trauma filled bitch and an unwetted seed in your motherfucking vein. She would have fucked my circadian rhythm up. Nigga wouldn't have been able to get no motherfucking sleep. But human beings, they fucking resilient though. It was this dude who was protesting climate change and he set himself on fire. I'm like, damn, what's the people who blocked the road to do that shit?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Darren Jones. That's a good one. I think the first joke kind of like got unheard or something. We were all laughing at the fact that you're black. It's a thing. It's a thing. The property values in the bucket are plummeting.

[Darren Jones]

And I rapped the last time I was up here too, and I seen a black guy rapping coming out. I'm like, ah, yep, yep.

[Joe DeRosa]

My favorite thing I've ever seen on this show was when the third black dude in Aurora came out. You reached in the bucket and started feverishly mixing it up as if that was gonna defect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you overseason the Bucket tonight?

[Joe DeRosa]

Does this bucket say KFC on it somewhere?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe, what the fuck, man?

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm sorry. I have a special coming out. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Darren Jones, welcome to the show, my friend. How long you been doing stand up?

[Darren Jones]

About two and a half because of three probably years. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Where are you from?

[Darren Jones]

Dayton, Ohio, man. The best city in the states.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ohio. We know it very well. How long have you Been in Austin

[Darren Jones]

since January last year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since January of last year. What made you move to Austin?

[Darren Jones]

Comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wanted to do comedy?

[Darren Jones]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. What made you wait so long to start doing open mics after moving in? January of last year, I started right away. You mean January of this year, then?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, last year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I see what you're saying.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah, I got up here, it's like September.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Got it, got it. What do you do for a living?

[Darren Jones]

I work in a fencing yard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work in fencing?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah, I manage a fencing yard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a fencing yard. So you're in charge of putting up fences?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah, I work the shit out the Mexicans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Oh, I thought he meant, like, n. One Sword fighting. Yeah, could be. Could be. It's amazing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Dude, your comedy is. I thought it was great, man. And I think, like, the fact that you're. You're one of the most natural comics I've ever seen. Like, you figured out the hard part and the jokes were funny. Like, I feel like you got a. You got a nice road ahead of you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For real.

[Darren Jones]

I really do appreciate it, man.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Darren Jones]

I just got to stay more consistent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But if you have a song. Have you ever written a song, Darren Jones?

[Darren Jones]

I wrote a lot of songs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What is happening tonight? This is amazing. This is the first time ever where all the bucket pools have been the exact same human being. It's never happened before over 700 episodes. Normally people are different sometimes. Sometimes it's people with different stories and lives, but not tonight. Just slightly different hairstyles from the bucket pulls. Perhaps there's a wig person. What would we call them? Predator?

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Joe DeRosa]

Now, the more important question is, do you have a song you can sing that we can then hijack and turn into bags and boxes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My friend, you can turn any song into bags and boxes. It's possible to do with anything. So what is a song that you. It's an original song that you've written?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Darren Jones]

I gotta think of one though, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. While you think about it, I'm gonna ask you some more questions. What's your love life like?

[Darren Jones]

I'm single, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Single?

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been hooking up with some random girls in Texas?

[Darren Jones]

Oh, yeah, I got a couple of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how does that happen? Where do you meet a girl? Where does a guy like Darren Jones meet a girl?

[Darren Jones]

Oh, I met one at the. I don't remember where I met these hoes. I think I met one actually walking down here somewhere close to this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On the street.

[Darren Jones]

The campus? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So on the street. And what do you say to somebody when you meet them?

[Darren Jones]

How you doing? Same. Everybody else say something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do to these thick white women that you're. Am I right? Are they. Are they thick white women that you're having sex with?

[Darren Jones]

Nah, I wish. I need some big pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, so you're with black women.

[Darren Jones]

One Mexican, one other one Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they're both Mexican. One Mexican, the other one Mexican. One Mexican, the other one. Big suspense. Wait for it. Mexican.

[Darren Jones]

But one California Mexican, the other one Mexico Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they're both about to be back in Mexico. Mexico. Because we are cracking down. Sorry, horn players is going down. All right. What is it about Mexican women that you like so, so much? Sir?

[Darren Jones]

We ain't got a lot of them in Ohio, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you are correct. Ohio.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Darren Jones]

It's like Beni Hana. You don't always want the same flavor. You know what I'm saying? You might like vanilla every time, but I like to switch it up, you feel?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My friend, I'm not only a fan of what you're saying, but I'm also a fan of Benihana's. I appreciate the. I appreciate the Benihana's explanation there. Even at Beni Hana. Sometimes steak, sometimes shrimp. I'll catch it right from that. Right from the chef's paddle. Okay, so just me connecting with my new black friend, Darren Jones. Darren, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

[Darren Jones]

Probably my mentality. Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain what you mean by that. I love that answer. Explain to these white people that drove 45 minutes from their ranches in the country what exactly you mean by black mentality.

[Darren Jones]

I know y' all know the word, but y' all don't know it like I do. I'm a nigger to the core, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love it. Keep it. Keep going. Keep going. Darren, you're just scratching the surface here. When you say to the core, Explain to these innocent whites what you mean.

[Darren Jones]

Oh, man. Damn. How can I explain being a. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is perhaps the greatest moment in the show's history. I don't know what I'm right now. No, no, don't go to John D. No, John, I'm not letting you take over. I want a pure answer from Darren, and then we'll check in with John D's. What he expects the show.

[Joe DeRosa]

Derosa, this is about to be the best TED Talk I've ever heard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Okay, go ahead. What do you mean by to the core?

[Darren Jones]

It just mean I'm black as fuck, man. Wouldn't want to be any other thing. You know what I'm saying? When you think of the stereotypical black man. I like watermelon chicken.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yes.

[Darren Jones]

I love all that shit. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You like sleeping in late?

[Darren Jones]

I wish I could, but I love hell if I could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Darren Jones]

I like to be late every day if I could, too. But shit, I guess I ain't that fucking black. Cause I'm on time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finding out, we're finding out you're not quite as black as you thought you were. Hey, man, don't be so hard on yourself. What's your credit score? Yeah, what? What do we got for a credit score?

[Darren Jones]

Like 720.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, the crowd goes wild. 720, ladies and gentlemen. Seven better than Joe Derosa's. He's got no kids.

[Joe DeRosa]

Absolutely. But I do own a ColecoVision. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. So, Darren, have you thought about the original song? Yeah, you just give us a line or two.

[Darren Jones]

I wrote this when I was, like I say, about 21. I'm 37 now, so. This is 16 year old song.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red bands immediately attracted to it. 16 year old song. It's right in your case. And girls, that's true.

[Darren Jones]

Y' all want. Y' all want the hook?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it.

[Darren Jones]

Okay. It's about selling dope, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love it. I love selling dope. Let's go.

[Darren Jones]

It was. If you need a quick fix, you know where to get it. You know, I supply it with that shit up in my kitchen. The shit up in my kitchen is that shit that I be whipping. Equations to how I weighs it. I doubles my coefficients. If you know math, then you probably. You get it. Divide the blow. Never subtract money. Always addition emerald. The chef in the kitchen with this yay. That I'm whipping. I'm like my mathematician with this coke that I'm flipping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Absolutely. He's rapping about crack and crack roxes. Let's bring it back. Two bags and boxes. All right. Fantastic. Fun times. Darren, here's a little joke book. Fun times. Sign up again, come back, do it again, do it again, do it again. Bags and boxes she left me with Bags and boxes she left me all right. This doesn't disappear as if though the name will set us apart and break the streak. It's almost disappointing at this point. But let's see what happens here. Make some noise for the kill. Tony debut of Johnny Morney, everybody. Johnny Morney. All right.

[Jay Legend]

Hi.

[Johnny Morkney]

I'M Johnny Makney. I'm a teacher during the day. That's my day job. I teach high school seniors their eight years younger than me. It's weird being so close in age to your kids. Cause they know your weaknesses, you know? I had a kid show up 10 minutes late for class and before I could say anything, he was like, makni, Mark, be tardy if you're gay. I was like, fuck. I was like, you win this one, kiddo, and they get involved in your personal life too. Like, a bunch of my kids found out that I had this breakup cause the picture of my girlfriend disappeared from my desk. So they're all like, mahni, what happened to your girlfriend? Don't worry, Makhni, we'll find you a new girl. We'll hook you up with someone. I was like, guys, guys. That's what parent teacher conferences are for. I'm gonna fuck all your moms. I've been clocking this class since day one. I know who doesn't have a dad. I'm well aware. I know who doesn't have a dad. And I know who has two cool moms. So that's my time.

[Jay Legend]

Thank you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Johnny Mockney. I see. Those are ours. Your C's look like ours the way you write them. You do that on purpose.

[Johnny Morkney]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has anyone told you that your C's look like ours?

[Johnny Morkney]

No, you're the first. But this is a huge credit for it, so I'll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a big deal. Yeah, it's a big deal. Okay, Johnny, what do you teach exactly?

[Johnny Morkney]

I teach AP Lit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

AP Lit. At a high school.

[Johnny Morkney]

High school? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And you are. You're a young guy for that job, right? That's here in Austin, so.

[Johnny Morkney]

No, no, that's back in Michigan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you work in Michigan?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so they have young people teaching young people there?

[Johnny Morkney]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Johnny Morkney]

There's a shortage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where exactly in Michigan?

[Johnny Morkney]

Lansing area.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And that's where you're from? That's where you've lived your whole life? Obviously.

[Johnny Morkney]

I moved around a lot as a kid, but that's where, like I said, settled. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Johnny Morkney]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's okay. A fly just hit me in the head really hard. So hard that it actually blew my head back. I've been assaulted by a fly. It won that round. But I will get it by the end of the day. So, Johnny, how long you been doing stand up?

[Johnny Morkney]

About eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight years. Okay. And what do you do for fun, Johnny? Tell us about your life. You seem like the kind of guy that likes to let it rip. Definitely. Never written a song before.

[Johnny Morkney]

Never written a song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. No.

[Johnny Morkney]

Gosh. I mean, I do stand up, go to the movies all the time. I go to the movies alone. Sometimes I think it's better alone. Fun sneaks up on me, Tony.

[Mike Ryan]

I don't know.

[Johnny Morkney]

I can't. I wish I knew.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's a weird thing to say.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun sneaks up on you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Does that mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you.

[Celia Contreras]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you mean by that?

[Johnny Morkney]

I. I'm trying to say, like, I don't know what my hobbies are on paper. I think they just. I'm. I'm not. I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity are you? You appear to have some kind of Asian esque eyes.

[Johnny Morkney]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm half.

[Johnny Morkney]

I'm half Thai.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Half Thai. And the other half is Pola.

[Johnny Morkney]

Polish. Polak. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, okay.

[Johnny Morkney]

There's one class, the Taipole.

[Jay Legend]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a tie pole.

[Johnny Morkney]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The rare tie pole.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you ever feel extra Thai? Are there times where you feel like you're Thai?

[Johnny Morkney]

No. Well, I think the Asian and Polish cancel each other out. So I'm like. I'm like, okay at math, you know, like, it's.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could see why that would work. Yeah. How are you at driving decent? At driving decent?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Johnny Morkney]

Totaled my car only once, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's about 50%. 50% Thai. Most Thai people total their car twice when they're your age.

[Johnny Morkney]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Johnny, I thought I really enjoyed your material quite a bit.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

But my question, this is a real question.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

You.

[Joe DeRosa]

You can come on a show like this and say wild shit like that and you don't have to worry about your job like, he does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has to work.

[Johnny Morkney]

We'll find out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Michigan.

[Joe DeRosa]

Also, you were like, I know what I'll do. I'll fly to Austin and get away with it. No, you won't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, luckily a lot of people in Lansing, Michigan don't have WI Fi, so it's an absolute dreadful place. If you bounced around a lot, what made you land in Lansing, Michigan?

[Johnny Morkney]

Well, I'm from DeWitt, Michigan, which is by there. And then we moved to like. We were in Texas for like a year or two. We were there. We were in Mississippi, Chicago, and then I was in Thailand, actually, for like two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You move around a lot?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of bags and boxes, one could say.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, D Madness is back, everybody. You say Michigan three times. D Madness pops up out of Nowhere. I love it. Johnny, tell us one more thing. Absolutely crazy about your life that was. Makes you different that people would find interesting.

[Johnny Morkney]

There's an. You know, hgtv. There's an episode of House Hunters International about my family when we moved to Thailand. It's called Returning the Thai roots. It's my one TV credit, so. Yeah, you can look that up the.

[Joe DeRosa]

They. Okay. They.

[Johnny Morkney]

I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. You bought the house before they filmed the episode. Like, you're already in the house. You have to make it look vacant.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh.

[Johnny Morkney]

So I put all. I was like 11, 12 years old. I put all my stuff in drawers, and then we pretended we were looking at it for the first time.

[Joe DeRosa]

Now, it was. It was when you were 11.

[Johnny Morkney]

I was 2012. Okay. I would have been 13 at the time.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. What makes you think you're not allowed to speak about what went on behind the scenes at hgtv? What do you think the consequences of that might be versus you being a. A man that handles young children coming on a show like this? I think your concerns are out of whack right now, Johnny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fair.

[Johnny Morkney]

I just. I'm afraid the Property Brothers will come me up, I guess.

[Joe Ellis]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long are you in town for?

[Johnny Morkney]

Till July 8th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Wow, look at that Red man. Booking real human beings like on real shows. Johnny. Fun times. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go, Johnny. Morky. Morky. How fun. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are at the part of the show where I am going to ignore the next bucket pool and bring up an unbelievable golden ticket winner, perhaps one of the people's absolute favorites of all time. He is back in town from Toronto, Canada, where he lives, where he spends most of his time, famously eating ramen noodles. This is the return of Kansai Yasuga.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Arigato. Hey, guys, I'm a bilingual. I speak Japanese and English, and I feel like I have a different personality in each language that I speak. Like English Kansa is more confident, but Japanese Kansai is like more. It's like a little pervert. Like, for example, when I see a beautiful woman walking on the street, English concert goes, I want to hit that ass. But Japanese concert goes, I want to get onto crowded Japanese train and casually tap that ass. When I'm having a sex. English concert goes, I want to pound you all night until you break down, girl. And Japanese concert goes, I have a work tomorrow that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Has done it yet again. The little Japanese Canadian hybrid hero of the show.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love Kai, a master at the interview portion. A man who, with calculated, crisp answers to every single question.

[Mike Ryan]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A legend. A legend of the game. He spends, for those of you that don't know, spends hours a day sitting in a ramen restaurant in Toronto, Canada, slowly sipping hot broth. And sometimes he will grab chopsticks and deliver actual physical embodiments into his mouth and then chew them and swallow them. Am I correct? Yes. That is what you love to do. You love that more than what?

[Kansai Yasuda]

More than my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Almost got in real trouble there for a second.

[Kansai Yasuda]

But my girlfriend works there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. So best of both worlds. Everything is there.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Everything is there in Tondorami.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, let me ask you something. Very famously, the last time you were on the show, we did a thing that we do sometimes where we read Yelp reviews, and we famously read the Yelp reviews of your favorite ramen plates. Ryuko Shinman. Tondo Ramen. You say it best. Say it to that camera over there, that blue light. And action. Ryukyu Shimen.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Tondo Ramen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Everybody loves it. So since we read those reviews, word on the street is that it's kind of blown up a little bit. Have you noticed it getting busier?

[Kansai Yasuda]

It brew up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It brew up. It brew up. It brew up. It brew up. Big time. Brew up.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Just like my country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, yes. It's not the first time Americans have blown up a Japanese location. That's a really good point. Did I mention now's a good time to invest in Halberton, everybody. So, Kai, you're seeing it. You're seeing people come in. And do people recognize you since that you're famous for sitting there?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Yeah, they come and then they say, hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a lot of Kill Tony fans coming in there.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Is the owner happy with me owners out?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Yeah, he's like, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love that. That's what I love. Yeah, that's exactly what I love. Amazing. And you're to going, girlfriend's happy about it.

[Kansai Yasuda]

My girlfriend's happy. Yeah. She's the only Filipino and half Filipino in a restaurant. So it's very easy to recognize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Kansai Yasuda]

And I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, for some people. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Kansai Yasuda]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good point.

[Todd Royce]

Really good.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Great point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so we have some reviews here. Current reviews of Ryuku Shinman Tondo Ramen. One five star review from Jordan F. My friend Tony recommended me to try this place. You need to Try it if you're in the area. Derek L. Five stars one month ago Went there recently on a work trip. Was recommended by my good friend Tony. Love this place so much. Okay. All right. Joe R. 1 month ago 5 stars. If it is good enough for Kansai, it will be good enough for you. My friend Tony said you will not leave Hungary. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Jason at five stars one month ago. Great food and great service. I really enjoyed my visit. Thanks to Tony for the recommendation. Just to be sure, can we see if any of these guys are also reviewing like bath houses? Thank you to our friends Tony and Kansai for the recommendation. John K. 1 month ago said, I heard about this place from some guys named Tony, Brian and Kansai. Everyone should be going here for ramen. The whole place is absolutely incredible. Eating here is just the golden ticket. Heidi and the band are planning on coming soon too. Wow. Our fans are completely insane.

[Jay Legend]

Let's go.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Let's go. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely insane. Incredible. So this is happening. You have any. Are there any one star reviews recently? Let's see.

[Celia Contreras]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how we normally do this. Just.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Just five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sometimes you have to balance the scales a little bit. Yeah, there it is. Click on that thing. Ooh. Oh, no. Recent ones. It's all old. All of them are six years ago or more. Absolutely incredible. Kai. Yeah. Wow. Yes.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Thank you. Thank you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us what else has been happening, Kansai? Anything else going on in your life that you're excited about?

[Kansai Yasuda]

I am. I'm going tour.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're going on tour. Where are you gonna go?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Canada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. You live in Canada. Yeah. Very exciting. But you're doing other cities in Canada?

[Ram B]

Yeah.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Older city in Canada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Edinburgh.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Yeah, Edinburgh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Edmonton.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Edmonton.

[Jay Legend]

That's.

[Kansai Yasuda]

That's uk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ottawa, Ottawa. Vancouver.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Vancouver. Victoria.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Calgary.

[Todd Royce]

Calgary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Calgary.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Calgary. Oshawa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oshawa. Uhhuh. Yes.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

New.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Ah, Holly Fox. Holly Fox. You ever perform stand up in Japanese in Japanese?

[Kansai Yasuda]

It's really hard for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's really hard for you?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Yeah. I'm not funny in Japanese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. But you say you're bilingual so you can talk in Japanese. It's just hard to be funny in Japanese.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Yeah, it's different type of humor, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Plus all the bowing up, the timing. Yeah. Like do you have a. Do any jokes in Japanese? Can you do one short joke in Japanese?

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, performing in Japanese in Japanese is Kansa Yasuda,

[Kansai Yasuda]

Super agent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, Kansai. Kansai. Kansai. Very good. Kansai. Another amazing performance. You are truly one of the top young, rising comedians in the world. Enjoy your Canadian tour and your newfound fame and your delicious ramen. Are they giving. They give it to you for free now, right?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Ramen?

[Jay Legend]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

Every day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every day we're feeding them people getting five Kai Yasuda reaping the benefits.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Check out my tour, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do people get tickets to your Canadian tour?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Go to my Instagram.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Kansai Yasuda]

Wait, what did you say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to your what? Instagram.

[Todd Royce]

Instagram.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Instagram.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Instagram.

[Ram B]

Instagram.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Instagrama.

[Ram B]

Yeah.

[Kansai Yasuda]

K Comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kai. Comedy. That's K A N S ei Very good. Yes.

[Kansai Yasuda]

Comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Kansei Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the bucket we go. I pulled one of the names of a young lady. Ooh la la. Heidi. Oh, my goodness gracious. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? This young lady was pulled out of the bucket in Phoenix, Arizona, years ago. It's been a while since she's been on the show. This is very exciting. Make some noise for Celia Contreras, ladies and gentlemen.

[Celia Contreras]

So I own a rape whistle because I like to blast off a little tune before I get started. I went hitchhiking recently, and all my friends and family said stupid ass shit to me. They're like, what if you get raped or kidnapped? Y' all see me, right? If somebody raped or kidnapped me, that motherfucker earned it. Do you know how hard it is for guys to fuck me? With my consent, I have to spread my legs as far as I can. Send them down there with a Call of duty headset. And given the directions, You're gonna go six clicks to the north. You're gonna go through the main tunnel. The two smaller tunnels on either side are dead ends. And at the end of the night, they still jizz on my thigh. And at that point, I just want them to go home. So I'm like, good job, soldier. You did your country pass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Exactly a minute. Celia Contreras is back on the show. Hello, Celia. How are you?

[Celia Contreras]

I'm going through a lot right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Celia Contreras]

Not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Celia Contreras]

I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to fly back to Phoenix. I lived there. I moved back. But my friend me over ghosted the show he asked me to be on. So I was supposed to leave Saturday or Sunday, and now I'm here till Friday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, and then you're going to Phoenix?

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're gonna do a show there?

[Celia Contreras]

Well, I live there now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you live there now?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So you're back in Phoenix.

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah. I love Austin and I love Texas, but my heart belongs to Arizona. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, that makes. What do you love about Arizona? What exactly is it?

[Celia Contreras]

Well, I didn't know what the dry heat was until I came here. That's part of it. But also, I'm smarter than everybody in Arizona because we're 49th in education.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right.

[Celia Contreras]

So I just kind of miss shitting on everybody in Arizona.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. That makes sense. And that's Phoenix, where you live?

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah, I'm in Phoenix now. I'm born and raised. Flagstaff, Arizona.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. You're fantastic at comedy. Remind us, how long have you been doing it?

[Celia Contreras]

My nine year anniversary was in May.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, nine years. And what. How do you survive solely off of comedy? Stand up.

[Celia Contreras]

Doing standup for the last two years. Yes. And the kindness of strangers and friends. And also selling titty pics to lonely men online.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. What is a titty pick from Celia Contreras running exactly?

[Celia Contreras]

Like, here's the thing. It's the same with my tarot card readings. Like, it's like, if you're lonely enough, if I think you're going to kill yourself, it's free.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Celia Contreras]

And it's legal to be topless in downtown Austin. So there's some people who like. It's like, this motherfucker needs a win. They're not the best titties, but here you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay. Wow.

[Celia Contreras]

Lately, 25 to 50. $50 online.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe's about to kill himself here, so.

[Celia Contreras]

Dude, I love Joe. We had a heart to heart about Lord of the Rings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, he's trying to get in your mortal word.

[Celia Contreras]

Just sign the guest book on the way out.

[Joe DeRosa]

We talked about Lord of the Rings, but I said that I was not a huge fan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Correct.

[Celia Contreras]

You want me to lie for you right now?

[Joe DeRosa]

No. What did I say about Lord of the Rings, though? What did I do?

[Celia Contreras]

You told me to watch the one with the shadows in the background.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, the cartoon from the 70s. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a great one.

[Celia Contreras]

I'm halfway through that and I fucking love it. But the thing is, like, I need to pay.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's only an hour long. I'm troubled that you had to split it up into parts.

[Celia Contreras]

Timmy, by the time I have to watch it, we all know I'm an alcoholic. I drank Tony's crown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah, but, like, I can't process new. Like, I can't watch something new if I'm writing jokes and. Or if I'm trying to fall asleep. Otherwise, I'll stay up all night trying to watch it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Celia Contreras]

Or I'll just completely miss the show. So I've actually tried to rewatch it, like, four times, and I love it, but I'm trying to write jokes.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't. You could just set aside time to watch something. Are you writing?

[Todd Royce]

What is.

[Joe DeRosa]

Are you writing? I mean, your comedy's very funny, so if that's what it takes, then that's great.

[Celia Contreras]

Well, it's comedy and my mood journal, because I have bipolar disorder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Celia Contreras]

So I have to fill that out where I'm keeping track of how much alcohol I have. And I normally do good until about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

8pm that's how most alcoholics are. Yeah, 8pm I know what I am.

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah, I'm working on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that makes sense.

[Keith Ray]

Did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, go ahead.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I was gonna say. Did you say you also do tarot card readings?

[Celia Contreras]

I do tarot card readings. I can kind of do a palm reading and. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what do we got here?

[Celia Contreras]

This is your dominant hand.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is my dominant hand.

[Celia Contreras]

May I?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please. Oh, my goodness.

[William Montgomery]

Ow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, that's my hitchhiking thumb.

[Celia Contreras]

I might have to hitchhike back home after Friday. We'll play by errand. But this. This is your lifeline, so it's pretty long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sweet.

[Celia Contreras]

So at the very least, you're not gonna die, at least until your 60s or 70s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. Wow.

[Celia Contreras]

All right. This is your romance line. I don't know your relationships at all, but it's kind of like, on this weird linear path. It should go here. Well, it's kind of going this way, but that's a faint line, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does it say anything about possibly getting my dick sucked by my wife tonight?

[Celia Contreras]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So close.

[Celia Contreras]

These three lines here say you'll have at least three kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do have three kids. Wow, look at that. Hey, come over here. Read Red Band's lifeline real quick. I'm really curious. Hold on.

[Celia Contreras]

I am too fat to walk. Walk over there and look at Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band. Go over there real quick. I want to know. I got to know what his lifeline's looking like. For those of you that don't follow him on Instagram, he posts pictures of every disgusting meal that he eats, which is every night, in the middle of the night, always sugary, lots of carbs. He can't stop posting about it, even though I make fun of him every single day about it. He'll literally post, oh, my girlfriend made me fried donuts at 3am So I just can't imagine how long is that lifeline?

[Joe DeRosa]

Celi Redban doesn't have a lifeline. It's a drive through line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are we looking at?

[Celia Contreras]

Celia, real quick, Redbendy, have your affairs in order? No, like, you have like five splayed lifelines, but, like, they don't get to hear. So you might die sooner than you want to. That's one possibility. But it could mean you'll live longer, but you're just gonna have a fuckton of like, health problems.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Celia Contreras]

So, like, we're talking heart disease.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Slide just flew out of his ear. Is that a good sign?

[Celia Contreras]

Also? I missed you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on back, Red band. You look fantastic. Look at this In n out bag coming towards me. Absolutely incredible. There you go. Sit down, Celia. Fun times. Anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on?

[Celia Contreras]

Well, a lot of crazy shit, but, like, I'm not gonna bore them with it because it's crazy for me, not for them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Celia Contreras]

Tony, can I ask you a question?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Celia Contreras]

I met you to sign my Marriott card from when we went to Celebrity theater, but could you sign this wristband for me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yep.

[Celia Contreras]

I'd really appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yes, absolutely.

[Joe DeRosa]

You hate to see a wristband drop in value like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's instructions on. You're now her emergency contact at her rehab facility. Celia, here's a. Here's a big joke book. You got it. I'm gonna try to aim it right at those money bags. There you go. Yeah, you see that? That's how you do it. You just. Sometimes you gotta use the old burger breadbaskets there. One more time for Celia Contreras, everybody. All right, we're having fun in here tonight, okay? We're gonna meet your next bucket poll altogether. It goes by the name of Joe Ellis. Joe Ellis. Joe Ellis.

[Joe Ellis]

My name is Joe Ellis. I have served in the military for 16 years as a Blackhawk pilot. Yep. Happy pride. I've been fired by President Trump. He said you're fired?

[Darren Jones]

Yep.

[Joe Ellis]

So I figured I'd start my career in stand up comedy. I hear it's very lucrative. So here I am, first time signing up. And this is exciting. I'm not sure if you could tell that I was trans. I'm always kind of self conscious about my voice. I figured it'd give me away, but men I've been with lately actually said it was my dick. Yep. So that answered that question. Being fired is not the only surprise I've had this year. I was also accused of crashing my Blackhawk into an airliner in D.C. back in January. I don't know if y' all saw that. It kind of blew up online. There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Ellis]

Yeah. Trans terrorists that committed a murder suicide, killing 67 people, including myself. And during the doxing process, when I was number two on Twitter that weekend, they found out I'm converting to Judaism. And so trans and Jewish, if you haven't noticed. My hobby lately is collecting identities that people hate. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit. Joe Ellis. I have a thousand questions. I'm so excited you're here. Let's check in with Tim Butterly first. Tim, this is the crying shame that the military let a female Blackhawk pilot go just for having a white. Yeah, that's a great point. You are powerful, powerful presence. Jo Ellis, welcome to the show. How long were you in the military for?

[Joe Ellis]

16 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

16 years. And you really got released recently?

[Joe Ellis]

I am currently in the process of separation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how exactly were you informed why or how that happens?

[Joe Ellis]

They said, hey, you're a tranny. You're getting fucking kicked out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Joe Ellis]

I mean, they didn't say it like that, but the executive order came out and they said, all trans out of the military, and. And I was one of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So 16 years. Do you get, like, all your benefits and stuff? Is it kind of like a good separation?

[Joe Ellis]

Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? What's the downside? Can you kind of explain it to us? Because we have no idea how it works.

[Joe Ellis]

I'm being discharged under a code that means I'm a national security concern.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting.

[Joe Ellis]

Same thing that they discharged gay people out of during.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Prior.

[Joe Ellis]

You know, don't ask, don't tell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long you've been in the military? 16 years. How long of that were you a female? Does this make sense?

[Joe Ellis]

It does. So I transitioned in 2023 during the Biden administration when it was allowed. And then the new administration came in, they said, sorry, but because you did that, now you're disqualified.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you say that you transition, does that mean, like, you just let your hair grow out? Like, what exactly does that mean?

[Joe Ellis]

Yeah, I started hormones. I call them my titty skittles. I grew these. These are natural.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Joe Ellis]

And then I got a face surgery, which I paid out of pocket for all this. $60,000 for this beautiful face, right? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Joe Ellis]

And I've been shopping for vaginas lately, but I haven't done that yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is the shopping process for vaginas? Like, exactly.

[Joe Ellis]

It's crazy because I still kind of have, like, a guy brain, so, like, I shop it like I'm shopping For cars on Facebook. Marketplace.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Ellis]

Like, you know, I'm just like, oh, check out this one. I found out there's two types. There's a full depth and a no depth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, why would anyone want to know depth? I don't know.

[Joe Ellis]

Because it's like getting a Lamborghini without an engine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Ellis]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like having a little kitty inflatable pool in your backyard instead of the deep dive with a diving board. Joe derosa is freaking out right now. We're gonna let him ask this question.

[Joe DeRosa]

Can I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As hard as a rock right now.

[Joe DeRosa]

Can I beg you? Can I beg you to not get the vagina? Don't ruin this beautiful thing you've done. Keep the wonderful cock. I mean, that's awesome.

[Joe Ellis]

Thank you. Thank you. It does play well in certain demographics, like bi women, men in their 40s demographic. All right, we'll talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Joe DeRosa famously got his dick sucked at Skank Hank Fest. Oh, no, that's not the story we heard, actually. Was. Yeah, you gotta. Wait, you gave it a blowjob?

[Joe DeRosa]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gave up.

[Jay Legend]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

I would tell you. I would tell you. I have no. I have no shame.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? It's okay. You don't have to. You don't have to just make noises just because you're excited now, but don't. I have questions for you, Joe Ellis. So I've always wondered what this thing is. Like, so, first of all, like, when did you start to think that you're a woman? Like, was it when you were a kid? Or is it something that.

[Joe Ellis]

Yeah. So five years old, I had symptoms, but because I grew up in a conservative, homeschooled, religious household, my dad worked for Pat Robertson at cbn. You know, that kind of environment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's extreme.

[Joe Ellis]

I didn't know what it was. I just thought it meant I was a bad person. Right. And then when I was in army training and Sears school, which is an intense survival school, I was locked in a box, as they do for about 12 hours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Locked in a box. Were you locked in any bags? Were you locked in bags and boxes? Yeah, bags in boxes. Everyone just won a million dollars. It's a reference from earlier. Don't worry about it. Okay, so you were locked in a

[Joe Ellis]

box and very hungry, very tired. And that's when I just started having these epiphanies that, like, I couldn't push it away anymore because I was so exhausted. I was like, oh, shit. I think this means I'm trans. I guess I have to deal with this. When I get out and I sought therapy and that's. That's how it started. So you could say the army trans me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very interesting. Why did they put you in a box?

[Joe Ellis]

Well, that's just part of the POW training that you go through.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, and when you say you were 5 years old and you started having symptoms, what exactly does that mean? What were those symptoms?

[Joe Ellis]

I would steal my sister's clothes and dress up and then be scolded for, you know, that being a terrible thing. And boys don't do that and lots of gender envy. So like just seeing women and just being envious of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So now I'm going to ask you questions about the penis vagina thing, which I find so interesting because you can come right now. Yeah, right. That sounds a lot like me. So you can come now. Help me to understand because I'm just like. It's like I'm blind to it. Right. Sorry, D. Madness. But I just simply don't understand the idea of giving up, coming forever to have just a physical thing. Can you kind of like help me to understand that?

[Joe Ellis]

It's so advanced now. Most people can still come afterwards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can come with a depth vagina. Hell yeah. Wow. There's butt cumming too. Butt cumming. Butt cumming has entered the chat, thanks to our senior butt cumming correspondent, Brian Redband. Butt cumming, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Is there a percentage of. Of. Of possible failure with the in depth vagina? I probably.

[Joe Ellis]

Like I said, I just started shopping recently, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. An interesting thing. So, Joe Ellis. So what are you doing now? Now that you're out of the military? What's your. What's your new plan?

[Joe Ellis]

Well, I do it to pay the bills. And I've been a fan of comedy since I was a teenager. Vicious circle. Dane Cook era was huge to me. And just Richmond, where I'm from, gets a lot of great comedians. Tom Segura, Louis CK coming through this year. And I just. I always go to shows and I was like, I would love to try that sometime. But until the crash rumor happened, I was nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's real. So that crash, all that was real? Female pilot of the Blackhawk helicopter. And someone started a conspiracy theorist that the female was actually trans and that it was on purpose.

[Joe Ellis]

DEI hire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And that was you?

[Joe Ellis]

That was me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you got doxed for that? Yep.

[Joe Ellis]

And now I'm suing in federal court.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Who. Who are you suing? The news outlet that reported that Matt Wallace. Okay.

[Joe Ellis]

On X or Twitter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. That's incredible. And he Must have done no research. He just heard it and ran with it. Or researched you and looked you up and. And just threw you under the bus.

[Joe Ellis]

First one to tie my likeness to the rumor. We don't know if he started the rumor, but he had millions of followers. He did the most. What we can determine is damage, so. And because I was a private person, I didn't really have a social media following or anything. I think it's a good case.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you already fired from the military just before that, or did that happen all at once?

[Joe Ellis]

It kind of all happened at once. The executive order came out, which meant it was coming, but I was still, you know, serving, and then the crash happened that week, and then I was named as the pilot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let me ask you this. When you started taking the female hormones and everything like that, did you notice yourself kind of becoming a less tough soldier? Does that kind of make sense? Were you.

[Joe Ellis]

It makes sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sore, or do you nag a lot? Yeah, I mean. Ladies and gentlemen, we have woken Osama bin Laden up from a nap.

[Joe Ellis]

My tits got sore because they were growing, right? Yeah, but. But I was still. I was still mentally tough. Like, I'm still mostly me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, did it make you more emotional?

[Joe Ellis]

At first, and then I got stable on them in a few months, and I was. I was good to go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you were in the military For a few months on medicine. Feeling kind of unstable?

[Joe Ellis]

Not unstable, no. Just emotional. Right, right. So I was grounded from flying during that time and then put back into service afterwards. I was deployable within six weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. So, okay, so interesting. And what types of things over your 16 years of military service have you done? Did you go to the Middle East?

[Joe Ellis]

I did. So before I became a warrant officer and a pilot a few years ago, I was a mechanic on helicopters, and I doubled as a door gunner on the, uh, 60 during Iraq in 2011. So I was a door gunner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Wow. And now you're about to bunker bust your dick off. That's incredible. This is absolutely amazing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Speaking of that, if I could urge you once again to just keep the beautiful gift God gave you at least

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for one more night. Yeah. Clicovision Red, Dan, just don't do that anymore. Okay? So, Joe Ellis, explain to us what you're. What you're like you want to do. Stand up full time. Now, do you live here in Austin?

[Joe Ellis]

I do not. I live in Richmond, Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Richmond, Virginia. Okay. That must be a tough place for a trans person to live, am I right? You kind of get stared at a

[Joe Ellis]

lot I mean, like, that I get stared at everywhere I go. I'm tall. Yeah, all these things.

[Jay Legend]

Exactly.

[Joe Ellis]

No, it's. Richmond is actually like a blossoming queer community. You'd be surprised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, yeah. That's interesting. What's your type? This could be anything right here. What, it's a person that you. Your type that you're most attracted? Yeah.

[Joe Ellis]

I mean, I lean towards women, but since transitioning, I have tried, you know, men.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're kind of a lesbian?

[Joe Ellis]

Kind of. I've got some stories.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lesbian with a penis built in, strap on.

[Joe Ellis]

Oh, I got a story about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Like, what is a story? When you say you have stories, I agree with John Dees. I do believe it was on this. Who said that? Let's hear it. Yes.

[Joe Ellis]

Since I've tried it all now, since coming out, lesbian women have been interesting because some of them like that I have a dick and some of them don't. And some of them are like, well, I'd rather use toys or whatever. And I've got skills. I can do that. But one time, this one girl handed me, it was in a box as a toy, and it was a fucking strap on. And I was like, yeah, it was offensive because it didn't have, like, vibrations or lasers or any cool shit. It was like as if I went and got mine made into one and I was like. I mean, I still fucked her with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's incredible. So you put it above your penis and just.

[Joe Ellis]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe Ellis]

I mean, it's great if you want to do, like, dp, like Double Penetration.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. That's amazing. Red Band is in his glory right now. I don't think I've ever seen. Seen him more happy about that on stage. That's hilarious.

[Joe DeRosa]

Also, Joe, speaking of toys, I have what's called a Colecovision. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but happy to show you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's for zero penetration. Jo Ellis, I like your style. You're getting a big joke. There's a black one. How about that? Boom. Oh, she catches like a woman. Everybody. The transition is happening. Catches like a real woman. Not like a guy that was in the military for 16 years, but like a brand new female.

[Darren Jones]

Now, I'm going to hand this to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you, but you need to promise you're not going to try to turn this into a little joke book.

[Joe Ellis]

I promise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's funny. Jo Ellis, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Jo Ellis. Fun times. All right, your next bucket pool is on the inside. A comedian from around Here. He's been on this show before. Make some noise for Keith Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Is Keith Ray around? Keith Ray. We have movement by Keith Ray. I'm not seeing movement. Oh, boy, what a disaster. How many you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? It's pretty good. Pretty good ratio there. You could turn down the inside lights. They're grabbing them. Here he comes. It's Keith Ray from the very, very back of the room. Here he comes. It's a long walk to the top if you want to rock and roll. All right, one more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Keith Ray, everybody.

[Keith Ray]

A little about me. Obviously, I'm a big fan of the Little Mermaid. Yeah, not so much Ariel. I like that Ursula. Yeah, I like that big bitch. She got ride or die bottom bitch energy. That's the kind of chick you can start an insurance fire with. And she's got eight legs. That's four pussies. I know math. She's got them big old squid tits, big old sack of mud titties, we call them back home, kind of tit. You can smack one tit and it'll roll out, come back like the tide. And big old sheet cake, lunch lady

[Mike Ryan]

jugs

[Keith Ray]

kind of titties. Got the brown stain on the bottom from dipping in the manwich juice. I like a bitch so big her titty start in the middle of her back, come swooping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Keith Ray with a full presentation for those of you that remember Ursula from the Little Mermaid.

[Johnny Morkney]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Keith. I never thought I'd see a comedian that made Uncle Laser look distinguished,

[Jay Legend]

but,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dear Lord, that is incredible. It's quite the breakdown of Ursula from the Little Mermaid. I don't even remember what that looks like or what it is or anything, really. I'm a big little Mermaid. You. You've seen the Little Mermaid a lot. John D's just made a noise back here, and she's a big bitch. She's a. Oh, yeah, I get the. I get the. I get the point. She's a big girl, but do a lot of. Oh, yeah, that one. You watch the Little Mermaid a lot?

[Keith Ray]

When I was a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you were a kid. Okay. And you still got her on the mind. There's still time to catch Celia on the way to the airport. That is true. That is true. Lot of bags, one box. Keith Ray. So remind everybody how long you been doing stand up?

[Keith Ray]

12 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 years. And you live here in Austin? Tell us about your life Well, I

[Keith Ray]

moved here back in 22 in January and I lived in my van for four months and then I moved into Room for rent above the Chupacabra Cantina.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Keith Ray]

And yeah, spent the next two years drinking myself into oblivion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Keith Ray]

And I was one of the original 15 door guys here at the greatest club on planet Earth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. One of the original door guys here at the Mothership.

[Keith Ray]

And I was the first one fired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. We all remember that. You were very, very sloppy. You would like linger around until the wee hours of the night keeping conversations going with absolutely anybody that would sit anywhere near you whatsoever. And it was unbelievably annoying. You were a terrible, terrible drinker.

[Keith Ray]

Yeah, I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you're sober now.

[Keith Ray]

14 years of daily practice. I never got good at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're sober now?

[Keith Ray]

Yeah, I quit after I got fired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Keith Ray]

And last November I got passed as a regular here at the club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. He closes some of the shows, the little boy, late at night. So Keith, what did you do to quit drinking? How does someone that made their entire existence drinking and how do you quit?

[Keith Ray]

Well, I. I left town I thought needed to change the scenery so I went to LA for a couple months because that's like the worst drinking town in America. Everything's so spread out and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Keith Ray]

Started going to yoga every day because you had turned me on to hot yoga. That's back when I was still in my drinking days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. I insisted that you try hot yoga to try to reset something in your system.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah.

[Keith Ray]

And it worked, huh? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you now. You can't imagine what he looked like before.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was gonna say, you're sure you're going to hot yoga and not frozen yogurt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Keith Ray]

You got fat people at yoga class, Keith.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else do you do when you're not doing stand up?

[Keith Ray]

I'm doing stand up full time now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, but like what else? Like at night time for example, when you used to just get obliterated drunk, what do you do now?

[Keith Ray]

I don't know. I like to watch the Sopranos with my girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Genius. I love that. That's pretty much.

[Keith Ray]

I like a nice bowl of ice cream from time to time. Or okay, big Oreos guy now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look at that.

[Darren Jones]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many Oreos are we talking about, Keith?

[Keith Ray]

I try and keep it in single digits. If I'd have done that when I was drinking, I probably wouldn't have had to quit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Keith Ray]

Try and watch my over in take. But yeah, I'm A milk and cookies guy. Now, I used to do rails of coke and drink bourbon by the fifth,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but milk and cookies, look at you. Adorable. Years away from being a mall Santa. Assuredly. Joe DeRosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

I, I can't, I can't believe getting fired as a doorman was your bottom. You've mentioned eight worse bottoms in this interview than the door guy thing.

[Keith Ray]

Yeah, no, I, I, I quit drinking because this club's a family and I wasn't going to pick the bottle over my family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is true. He's a, he's loved around here. Keith. A good set. Rock solid. You already have a big joke book.

[Keith Ray]

No, I haven't done your show since it was in the belly room at the store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Well, guess what, my friend. Red Band. Love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Keith. Keith Ray. I love you guys. Keith Ray. This is definitely a new name. I would know if I've pulled this out of the bucket before. Very interesting name. I'm excited about the Kill Tony debut of Sancho Pancho Village.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

What's up, guys? I know a lot of people can't tell most of the time, but I am vertically challenged. I'm 5:1 on a good day. Which is ironic because I'm actually into taller women, but not for any weird, like, fetish reason like most normal people. I just want to hopefully get one pregnant so that way my kids have a chance at a normal life. But I can't date tall women anymore. I can't do it. My last tall girlfriend, she got mad at me because I was going to go out on a Monday night and do some show called Kill Tony. And she was like, well, my horoscope is an asparagus or some. And she needed to be nurtured and comforted. So she's like, well, let's see how far you get without these. So she grabs my keys and she throws them on top of the refrigerator. So I can't date tall women anymore. Thank you all so much. Sancho Pancho Villa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sancho Pancho. I like the way you say it. Sancho Pancho Villa. Thank you very much. Sancho Pancho Villa.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Nice to see you again, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good to see you. You've been on the show before?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

No, we met around dinner, like a few months back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Around dinner.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the are you talking about?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I was leaving the restaurant and you were going in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I met you.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, I can't be specific. I think it was like, February 25th at, like, 503pm wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There you go, oh, amazing. Amazing. Sancha Panchabilla Joe Derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

I just saw today. You were great. In 28 years later, you were really. For the people that saw it. That's very funny.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

The if you ask the women is 28 inches later.

[Jay Legend]

So.

[Ram B]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's claiming he has a huge. Is it as big as you?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I'm average for my size.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are adorable. Sancho Pancho Villa. I gotta know, what do you do for work looking like that?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I have a part time job as an operations assistant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly are you assisting in operations?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It's this chocolate factory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a new palumba Villa.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

That was my last job, but I, I got caught. Mrs. Oompa Loompa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So seriously, stick with the actual questions here. What are you working?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

No, I do assistant for operations for like a trailer repair company and like Kyle. So I set that up so I could come here on Mondays to make sure I could sign up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what is, what's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Sancho Pancho Villa. Do someone have to let you out of the crib that you sleep in or you kind of crawl out on your own? You kind of put a little, little ladder there? A grasshopper opens my drawer.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

No, I like to drink a lot, so I just make sure I go check. Make sure I didn't crash my car. I mean, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you say you drink a lot, what do you mean exactly? You go to bars?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Well, I was in the marine, so I have a high tolerance. So I just, I drink a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were in the Marines?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somehow this is crazier than anybody else. We found out that did military service today.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I have a tattoo. My license.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. What exactly did you do in the military?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Well, I was 53 when I joined. Now I'm 5 1. But no, that's, that's true. I was a. I was an engineer company. So we built stuff, blew it up and. Yeah, just heavy equipment operations, generator, mechanic, stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. Sancho Pancho Villa.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So when you say you drink a lot, like, what does that mean? Like two or three drinks and you're trashed?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

No, like maybe after like five double Whiskey Sprites and like seven tequilas and I'm buzzing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. And what do you like to do when you get drunk? Do you like, flirt with girls?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I like to talk to married women, but no, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah. No. So I got the. I got the nickname Sancho by always like, not caring who I'm flirting with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yes, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does Sancho mean?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It means, like, a side dude. It's like a term of endearment in Hispanic culture for, like, a guy that sleeps with married women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yes. So that really is a thing of culture.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It is.

[Todd Royce]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So how many. If you had to guess how many married women you've slept with, Sancho Pancho Villa, how many would that number be married?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Because I also sleep with people with, like, boyfriends and stuff like that. So married women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're. Before you answer, you're specifically into women that have someone else.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's like, a thing of yours.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It wasn't at the beginning, but it's just become.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you go up to a woman at a bar and you're like, hey, you know, what's up? Nice to meet you. Do you have a boyfriend? And they say, yes, you are into it more.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

My first question is, how tall are they? Is my first question, how tall are you? No, whenever they say, oh, I have a boyfriend, I'm like, okay, how tall is he? Oh, and then if he's not like, over six five, I'm like, I could fight him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you think you could fight someone that's. As long as they're not over 6 5.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I know it. I know I could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would almost argue that you have a bigger advantage over someone that's taller than 6 5. You could shoot low. Seems like you would get the absolute beat out of you by a six foot three guy.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

No, I got, like, a strong job, but, like, I. I'll pick some up

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and slam him like, n. Okay, Sana Pancho.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

What can I say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has that ever happened before? Have you gotten. Also, if you squeeze his legs together, he's got to really mean this thing. It's an action figure. Oh, my God. Sancho Pancho Villa. So let's go back to that number. Number, ballpark number of married women.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It's probably like, not to be specific, but, like, 27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. So have. Obviously, 27, right?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even though I'm sure you're exaggerating by fucking, like, 26.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I'm not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not so.

[Jay Legend]

I'm not. I'm not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So has there been times, Obviously there must be, where you kind of got in trouble. Kind of got caught, Right. The husband finds out, tracks her down, she's at your place, something like that.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

No, I always go to her house or her place or we do it in the car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. Okay.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And then I'm 5:1 on a good day. So I get out any size window.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Like, in case the husband gets home early, I can escape out any size window?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I'd argue that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special. Go ahead, Joe Derosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Maybe a bay window.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special moves in the bedroom? Sancho Pancho Villa. How do you please these women? What's your specialty?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Well, so I'm so short, I go up on women. So, like, I start. And I start, like, from the clit, and then, you know, I start, like, kissing the thighs and stuff like that. Usually it's a lot of, like, vaginal play and like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just vaginal play. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. So keep describing this vaginal play to us. This episode is brought to you by Talk Space Prize Picks and Tacobas. By the way, I forgot to mention that earlier. They're gonna love that shout out right there. Yeah, man. Because now it's part of an Internet clip. Okay, go ahead.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

So, like. Like, when I first joined the Marines, like, my training sergeant, he gave me this book, and it was like, how to. How to Complete a Female Orgasm. And I read the whole book, and. And so, yeah, so it just said, like, oh, yeah, you know, you want to make sure that you do the Alphabet and you do the ton. Tornado, you know, and then I just make sure that they get close to climaxing, but I don't. I make sure they don't finish because I still want to fucking. So, like, you know, you think if

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you make them finish, they're not gonna want to.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, no, I don't think that. But it's just a precaution.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You know, like, have you ever. Has that ever happened where you've given a woman an orgasm and then they don't let you afterwards?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Only when she sobered up. No, no, it's never happened. Not yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

And I hope it doesn't. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Tim Butterly, I know you said you've sworn off tall women, but we had an absolute knockout blonde a couple of comics ago.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Now, I don't date.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It kind of depends on how you feel about a shallow vaginal canal. I think it's gonna work perfectly for her. Perfect.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

It's perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If that dick looks like the tater tot that I'm picturing. Hey.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

But at 100 miles an hour, they're going to feel it. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Is that what you do? You have 100 miles per hour pelvic thrust? Yeah.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I don't look like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you show us. Can you show us what you like? Can no, not your dick. Just your hip movement while. Yeah, man. Like, so, like, it's just, like, you don't need to. The desk. We want you out there so that we could kind of see it go back that way. Take a step back. Right in that light right there. Yes.

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

All right, cool. So, like, I make sure I stretch so I don't pull anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then, like, I just, like, oh, my God. You know what I'm saying? Let's go. Wow. Absolutely incredible. One of the most disgusting episodes in the show's history.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is not the first time I've asked this question on this show. What the fuck is happening right now?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah, man.

[Joe DeRosa]

What is going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. This is a wild episode. Sancha Panchabia, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

I support this nonprofit for veterans, disabled veterans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing better after 35 fast pelvic thrusts than giving a shout out to a good old nonprofit. What exactly is this nonprofit that you're promoting right now?

[Sancho Pancho Villa]

Yeah, so. So it's aherousa.org and it's ran by my former, you know, commanding officer, and it's just bringing a bunch of disabled veterans together through outdoor activities. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. I love it. Thank you, Sancho Pancho Villa. Here's a little joke book. Or as you call it, a joke book. A. Hey, him and Joelis catch the same. That would be a magical. A magical connection. All right, let's get one more bucket pull in here. Make some noise. Ladies and gentlemen, for Mike Ryan. Mike Ryan.

[Mike Ryan]

One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy is that I don't fit in. I don't fit into the comedy scene in Houston, where I'm from. I don't fit in with all these other comedians, mainly because, like, they all grow up class clowns or they're molested. The lucky ones are both. And I feel like at 37 years old, I'm too old for either those things to happen. For me, at least, without being my fault. Like, if I get molested at 37 years old, that's on me. That's my bad. What was I wearing? It's been kind of a tough year. It took away pornhub in Texas. Got so bad this morning to jack off using my imagination. Turns out I'm pretty fucking gay, dude. I had no idea. How am I supposed to tell my mom that I'm a Democrat now. I'm not gonna be one without the other. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah. Mike Ryan. You've been on this show before. Mike, welcome.

[Mike Ryan]

How you doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remind the people. How long you been in stand up?

[Mike Ryan]

One year, seven months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for work?

[Mike Ryan]

I'm a logistics coordinator in a refinery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Like a. Like an alcohol refinery?

[Mike Ryan]

A chemical refinery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chemical refinery. What. What type of chemical exactly?

[Mike Ryan]

Olefins is what they use to make plastics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Is that hazardous to be around?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, probably. We gonna find out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we are. God damn. That's pretty crazy. How long have you worked there?

[Mike Ryan]

About two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And it pays well?

[Mike Ryan]

It's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Long hours?

[Jay Legend]

No.

[Mike Ryan]

I probably shouldn't say this, but I don't work very much when I'm not on a project. It's like, you know, it's really chill, but when I'm on a project, it's 84 hour weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

84 hour weeks. Oh, geez. Whoa. Yeah, I did the math on that. That fucking sucks.

[Jay Legend]

Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. And is that mostly like sitting in a chair or like what do you do?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, I'm a. I. So I coordinate the logistics, the shipping and receiving of everything that goes in and out of the plant.

[Keith Ray]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what do you do for fun?

[Mike Ryan]

For the last year and seven months? Just comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Other than that. You must have some kind of hobby or something.

[Mike Ryan]

You see, I like to hang out with my daughter. That's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How old's your daughter?

[Mike Ryan]

She's 12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 years old. Look at you. I wouldn't have guessed that you came inside of somebody 12 years ago.

[Mike Ryan]

You would be very surprised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Yep, I am that exactly that surprised right now. But you only have one kid.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. And what's that like? Is the mom live near you?

[Mike Ryan]

About 30 minutes away, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. And you guys switch on and off or whatever?

[Mike Ryan]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Ryan]

I got really lucky in the baby mama department. Never had a problem. No fights, nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. That is amazing. And so this 12 year old growing up and 12 years old in the year 2025, what are you noticing? What's going on?

[Mike Ryan]

Roblox is expensive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She trans yet?

[Mike Ryan]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Getting nothing.

[Mike Ryan]

Oh, no, she's not tran. She's actually going to church camp in like two weeks, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's where you get trans at? So perfect. Yeah. Amazing. What exactly. What exactly is church camp?

[Mike Ryan]

It's a camp. It's actually here in Austin. I don't forget what it's called, but it's like a camp for girls that are Christian and like to hang out and have a good time at camp, I guess. I don't know. I don't ask too many questions about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, maybe I should.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could always just trust the adults at a church camp with your kids. What could possibly go wrong. Anyway? Has she ever been to church camp before?

[Mike Ryan]

Last year was her first year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. All right, good. So it's fine. All right, good. And. Yeah. Joe Derosa.

[Celia Contreras]

Go ahead.

[Joe DeRosa]

I have a question. Red band. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are somehow both dressed like two obese Kleenex boxes. It is

[Joe DeRosa]

according to the law. According to the laws of physics, one of you is going to disappear in a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you guys both dressed? Like the big island. Absolutely.

[Joe DeRosa]

A year and seven months. So you're. You're. You're very slick with. With the comedy for that short a period of time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very.

[Mike Ryan]

I appreciate it. I work very hard at it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Very good.

[Mike Ryan]

I actually you mentioned the shirt. I bought this shirt when I was got booked to do secret show by Enrique because it matched the. The background, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Mike Ryan]

So red band did inspire this shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That wasn't the backdrop. Red band was just standing behind you. I love it. Mike Robinson. Ryan, what's something else we should know about you? Something crazy about your life or some weird habit that you do? What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

[Mike Ryan]

Not pray.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but what. What. What do you. What do you do?

[Mike Ryan]

So like I said, I work remote most of the time. So I kind of wake up and just turn the computer on and then check.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You in bed already?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Ryan]

I am very lazy. I don't know if you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you jack off on the clock?

[Darren Jones]

No,

[Mike Ryan]

I'm sorry, boss. If you see this,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's better than the high school teacher earlier.

[Mike Ryan]

I got the. The. The camera on my laptop covered. So we're good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Perfect. Okay. What about the microphone, though?

[Mike Ryan]

How much noise do you make when you jack off red band?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should hear him breathing throughout an episode. It's absolutely incredible that it doesn't sneak into every episode every second, but I get the amazing pleasure of hearing it out of my left ear for 12 years now, everybody. And now. It's great.

[Joe DeRosa]

Mike, I would love to have you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you back on the secret show. This. Wow, look at that. Look at that. And you already have a big joke, buck.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Mike Ryan, everybody. And that is indeed your final bucket poll of the night. How much fun have we had? Talk space prize picks. And to covas bring you this episode. Episode. And now it is down to one and if you ask me, I mean, what a time we had three black songwriters to start. How much fun did we have with a little hit called Bags and Boxes? We met Johnny. Johnny the teacher from Lance. Kansai Yasuda, Celia Contreras, Joe Ellis, a full blown Blackhawk helicopter pilot, six foot seven woman, badass Sancho, Pancho Villa, Keith Ray, Mike Ryan. And now there's only one person, if you ask me, that can end an episode like this. And it is the man with the all time most appearances. Yeah. The most interviews ever in the history of the show. The first ever living member of the Kiltoni hall of Fame here to increase his monopolized record. This is the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tacoba's tycoon, the prize picks, Prince, and the top space tyrant. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Hello, my name is William Montgomery and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule. It was a long break, Tony. Okay, I like that. I like the name Thurston. First of all, sounds rich. Second of all, he a thot. Lately in the mirror I've been battle practicing battle rapping People I'll probably never beat. Like I've got a new brand new daughter Restless in bed to help her fall asleep I read the lyrics to write said F. Fred. That's actually me if I was battle rapping. Right, said Fred. It was a long break, Tony. Okay, this is sad. An Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee playing polo. I didn't even know bees played polo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Tony, that's my time. William. Lights out. Montgomery. The taco's tycoon, the talk space tyrant, the prince of prize picks has joined us again, rubbing his eye. This is a new thing. We've never seen this before. We've never seen him rub his eyes like this.

[William Montgomery]

I developed this very nervous tick ever since I found out about my carotid artery being clogged up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you have a clogged carotid artery.

[William Montgomery]

I'm on statins now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're on a medicine for it.

[William Montgomery]

I'm on statins and it makes me rub on my eye. I don't know if it's the statins. I don't know if it's just a nervous tick. But be careful, Red band. You really need to be careful because I feel like I've. I've already rode almost 750 miles this year and I have in my carotid artery, so Red ban you really do. I think CE was right.

[Joe DeRosa]

I checked every week, blood tested every six weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you get checked every week?

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean, I get. I go to a doctor every week, and I get blood tested every six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it. What is Dr. Pepper? What the are we talking about right now? Who goes to a doctor every week? That should tell you how unhealthy you are if you have to go to the doctor every week. People with cancer go, like, every two or three months. Jesus.

[Joe DeRosa]

When an alcoholic's like, I drink every day and I'm fine. What are you talking about, doctor?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Liver King tells me I'm okay. Oh, my goodness. I think it's pronounced Burger King Redban.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, no, see, I visit Red Band's mom every week, but I didn't really have time to say that, and it was weird. Red Band actually was with Liver King this past week when he was plotting against Rogan. So I think people need to know that Red Band was the one telling his ass to go after Rogan. So I think people need to know that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What an amazing.

[William Montgomery]

That came from Red Band. Liver King was staying at Red Band's place. He was not staying at the Four Seasons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

That was not the Four Seasons. That was Red Band's downtown penthouse. Seriously, Red Band, you need to stop fucking around with that guy. He got thrown in prison, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Misunderstood guy, man. Wow. Absolutely.

[William Montgomery]

He's an innocent guy. Is that what you just said?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Misunderstood? Understood. So, William, absolutely incredible set, as always. Tell us more about what's been going on with you lately other than the carotid artery, which is clogged.

[William Montgomery]

Clogged. I have a 200 chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, and I don't even know what 200% means. What does that mean? I only have five years to live. I don't know what that means.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They said you have a 200.

[William Montgomery]

200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, Tony. So I'm. I'm really at a weird place right now. I don't know what to do, Tony. That we just had the break or whatever. I've been chilling. I've been doing my puzzles, and I've just been relaxing, doing the row machine because it's like, I'm really. I'm probably gonna die soon.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'd lay off that row machine if your heart's fucked up.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I would not exercise or do anything physical at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Joe derosa giving great advice. I mean, really, it's just incredible. The amazing medical panel here that I booked on Kill Tony.

[Joe DeRosa]

The man's a ticking Time bomb. And he's doing a row machine. It's not a good idea.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I'll die on the row machine, dumbass. And I'll be happy. I'll die happy on the row machine. Don't run out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, there.

[Joe DeRosa]

Whoa. Tony.

[William Montgomery]

I don't even know if I can yell anymore. That just made me think lightheaded.

[Todd Royce]

These.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so red right now. Oh, stop.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is the statin talking right now. This is the statin talking right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So have you felt side effects of the medicine?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about them.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, what happened? Oh my gosh. Well, my eyes are itchy. My freaking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

side effects with will.

[William Montgomery]

My toes are going numb. Which actually last time my toes were going numb was when I was. When I was doing a bunch of cocaine. So that's weird. My toes are going numb, eyes are itching. My belly button. I cannot feel inside of it anymore because I love. People don't know this, but I love to put my little, little finger in my belly button when I'm trying to go to sleep and it. Because it would hurt. But now I don't even feel this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's deep.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I got a deep belly button

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

indentation on your shirt where your belly button is. Look at that.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, this is what the trans woman's looks like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. See? Oh my God. Oh my God.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it looks like my belly button. It's like nasty and. But yeah, it's been. That doesn't feel like anything. I'm not going to bring up the doodooing thing cuz my father immediately messages me on Monday nights and says you need to stop talking about that. But there's something going on with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's something going on with that, but

[William Montgomery]

I'm working it out. But there's something going on with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dad and I are friends. We have a relationship. We communicate and I'm going to override your father. We want to know what's going on with your dooo situation.

[William Montgomery]

You really care.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I normally hate it when you talk about it as well, but for some reason I'm curious.

[William Montgomery]

I'm still just not. It's like every other day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're constipated?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what are you doing to fight this constipation?

[William Montgomery]

Prune juice. It's just a bunch of prune juice, but what up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Red. Red band squeezed his fart noise in there, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

That's also what his mom sounded like last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. William, lights out. More one tonight,

[William Montgomery]

kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you love about it, huh? Oh, what do you love about Monday nights?

[William Montgomery]

Being here, Being around friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Being around friends, being around family. Being around all these nice people who always come to the shows. Being around trans people. I actually got her fucking number.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

When she left, I made it a point to go from the green room back there to get her number. So gonna be doing that later and just living life, Tony. Trying to have fun. Going down to Mexico. Bought Xanax bars in Mexico a couple nights ago. Very nice to sell them here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're selling Xanax. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Selling Xanax again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. Yeah. But it's been so much fun, Tony. And, yeah, I'm going to die one of these days and just know that I love you. I love all of y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[William Montgomery]

It's been a lot of fun. And, you know, until that day comes, I'm going to give it my all. We're going to see how long I can keep on going. But it starts getting weird because you start thinking, ah, your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your.

[William Montgomery]

Your carotid artery has a bunch of plaque and a 200% chance of death in the next 10 years. So it starts getting weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is weird, but death is natural. You know, my grandma lived to be 100 years old. And I remember the last thing that she. That she left me. When she left me, she left me with bags and boxes. She left me. How about one more time for William Montgomery, Ladies and gentlemen, We've done it again. We absolutely did it again. One more time for the great Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa. Comedy on YouTube. The new special out July 21st. Tim Butterly. The Tim Butterly Show. Metal girl. Solid. How loud can this place get? One more time for Joe derosa and Tim Butterly. Talk Space Prize picks. Tacovas. D madness. Michael gonzalez, john neese, matt muhling, raul vallejo, fernando castillo and carlos sosa. Bags and boxes she left me. I may have just killed a woman. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Love you guys. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin,

[Celia Contreras]

Texas, is now over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.