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Brian Redban
Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red man coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitsclan. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yippee. Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hola. And that is the best damn band in all the land, everybody. How about one more time for them? There you go. That is Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. That's Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed the one and only D Madness. Live in the flesh. We are here. We are live, the the number one live comedy podcast in the world. And we're very excited. We have an amazing episode for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hey, y'. All. This podcast is sponsored by BlueChew. Guys, enter the room. Dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Discover your options@bluechew.com and we got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChew free. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time and one bust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. @blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments. It's about you. Your style, your space, your way. Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right. From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows. Because@blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than Windows is you. Visit blinds.com now for up to 50% off with minimum purchase plus a professional measure at no cost. Rules and restrictions apply. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This is a special one because not only are these two of the greats, not only are these two guys up for guest of the year right now, but it's also two of the younger bucks that fucking just moved here from the east coast. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greats. Make some noise for the great Joe derosa and Tim Butterly. Yes. Oh, yeah. Joe Derosa tripped on his way out. Absolutely perfect. Millions of people saw it. Millions of people saw. You tripped. You tripped. You could have done anything and you tripped the second you came out. You son of a bitch. The Internet's laughing at you right now. That was never there before. Why did you add that? That is true. There is a little lift there that wasn't there before. Why was there? Why there a lift now? Well, we have a brand new custom table and it comes all in one giant. This whole thing's a part of it. It's a chunk. Boy, you're all zipped up for 98 degree weather. Oh, my friend, I got news for you. Look at that. 70 degrees flat, 54% humidity. 70.7. Cuz. I knew you were going to talk about this light windbreaker being zipped up. Light windbreaker. Why do you have it zipped above your Adam's apple, Right? I like it like that. I like it like that. That's how I like it. I protect my neck. I don't know. So that people don't see these little rolls that you have there. I did those on purpose. Hey, whose neck am I? Joe derosa's neck. Make some noise for the great Tim Butterly is here, everybody. The newest resident of Austin, Texas Fresh this week. Do you guys see how smoothly I walked out here? Yes. Not a single trip. No rolls in his neck. Looking beautiful making. That's right. Tim Butterly has the Tim butterly show on YouTube. And Metal Girl solid. He's on social media. TimButterley. Joe DeRosa has a brand new special, July 21st at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. You guys have both been guests on the show. You know how it works. For those of you that might not know, perhaps you're an innocent girlfriend dragged here tonight by your podcast loving boyfriend and you just hear us in the background. And you don't know what he's laughing at. Every Monday at 8pm well over 200 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. They are stacked all together next door at a dingy bar, hoping that we pull their name out. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about them, what they could be talking about, what is interesting about their lives. The entire thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? It's pretty. I'm going to tell you, you're. You're a pretty, like, polite audience. The show's a little more rock and roll than that. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? There you go. That's what we expect throughout the episode. So if you guys need to order a shot of tequila or something, fucking do it now. Let loose. You're in the middle of Texas at the number one comedy show in the world. And we shall start it with a golden ticket winner, everybody. We're going to get that other bucket pool wrangled from next door. And while we do, we have a man standing right behind that curtain. He won a golden ticket in Portland, Oregon, I do believe, about five, six, seven years ago. And he's here with a brand new minute, starting tonight's show with a minute of comedy. This is, is Todd Royce. What's going on, Austin? I don't know if this is weird. When I was 13 years old, my stepdad taught me how to masturbate. And I don't listen. I give him credit because at that age, all of my friends were being taught the birds and the bees. But Dale looked at me and was like, todd's gonna have to learn how to take care of himself. So he called me into his room and showed me how to jerk off on a banana. With a banana. His banana, his dick. He jerked off in front of me. And here's the weird part. This is what has always stuck out in my memory, is that he wasn't even erect at all, which hurt. You know, like. Well, look, I just feel like if you're gonna sexually assault a child, you should be on your A game. You know, fluff it up a little bit, smack it around, or whatever you gotta do. Plus, who can't get hard with these tits. And I was young. They were perky. You know what I mean? Thank you. One more, one more. When he finished. Well, he didn't finish. He wasn't like, watch, this is the best part. But when he was done, he told me, whatever you do, please don't tell your mom about this. And I immediately told my mom about this. And, well, look, I'm sorry. I know snitches get stitches, but if you show me your cock, I'm gonna talk. Thank you. Okay. Todd Royce, welcome, welcome. Is that true? Did you get molested? That's true. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That is incredible. This is starting to make more sense now. Yeah. Who? What, were you molested by the Burger King or something? Who was this exactly? What makes you want to eat obsessively after being molested? I get hard every time I see a clown with some cheeseburgers, so. Jesus. Red band again. Do you look at red band right now? Look at red band representing Palm Springs. Look at this. And then. You're making fun of me. Do you realize how fucked up that is? Red band didn't say anything? No, it was the oink. Oh. Oh, I see. You're right. You did make fun of him. You. Keisha. Shit. Why such the weight as me? What the fuck are you talking? Twice the weight as a red band. Ladies and gentlemen, let's get back to this molestation thing, which you tried to segue into Red Band's fat jokes, which doesn't really work. That's like me calling Joe derosa gay. Like I'm gayer than Joe derosa. That is true. So you calling Redban fat really doesn't work at all. Even though when you're not here, he is morbidly obese. Right? But you, my friend, I mean, you have hours to live. So. So I want to get this interview. I want to get to it here. This is absolutely incredible, Todd, by the way, real quick. Oh, wow. Okay. You go right the fuck ahead, Todd. Do whatever the fuck you want. Welcome to Kill Todd, everybody. Brought to you by carbohydrates. Jesus fucking Christ. Good Lord. I'm sorry. You're right. Go ahead. You're goddamn right. Son of a fucking bitch. I want to talk about you getting molested. Okay. The world wants to know, so take us through it. Who was it exactly? It was my. My third stepdad. Your third stepdad? Wow. I know steps are rough for you, but stepdads? That's incredible. Holy. I've had more dads than I've had girlfriends, so. Okay, let's Just stick with the interview, Todd. This whole fucking riffing thing in between everything really isn't cutting it for me. So let's talk for a second. I need to gather information about this. It's your third stepdad. Yes. So what's wrong with your mom? What is going on there? How many stepdads have you had? 5. Jesus Christ. She marries all these guys? Well, yeah, that's how they became my stepdad. Yeah, but that's crazy. Does she know you don't have to marry every fucking guy that throws it in her fucking dilapidated. Dilapidated. I want you to hear dilapidated vagina. I need to make sure you hear me talking about your mother's vagina very clearly. That makes no sense there whatsoever. I'm just being fucking bombarded from every angle from fat guys. All right, so your third stepdad, and what exactly does he do to you? Did he really use a banana? No, no, no, that was the. He. He actually showed me. With his dick. He pulled his pants down and showed me how to. How to masturbate. Uh huh. And he was just doing it to himself. He was, yeah. And then. And. But then he did. You know, when you show someone how to do something, you want to make sure they learn. So he had me show him that you do it. So you did it? Yeah. Yeah. How old were you? Thirteen. Wow. That was the first time you masturbated? That was the first time I masturbated pretty late. 13's kind of late, right? About 11, 12? 11. Yeah, well, I'd been humping the floor for a while. Ah, See, I think that's actually why he wanted to show me. Somebody dropped some chips down there. Yeah, exactly. Humping the floor. Look at you. You can't even do that now with your dick touching the floor. Your dick's elevated if you lay down on your belly nowadays, isn't it? A little bit. A little bit? A little bit. That's why I was glad when. When he wanted me to show him at least someone could look at it. So, so incredible. So did you masturbate to completion in front of your third skill stepdad? I did not, no. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Did you get hard? No. No. Believe it or not. So you failed? I did, yeah. I am not good at masturbating. And you're not good at getting molested. What a buzz kill this is. Yeah, no, I know. You're supposed to, like, come. Am I right, people? All right, so anyway, was it at all like, like learning how to drive where he's like, you're doing it wrong. Yeah, it was a lot like, you know, you have to, like, work the shift and everything. Like that. Feather it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was. There was a couple times where he was, like, giving me instructions like, no, not like this. Like this. And just, you know, this feels very awkward. This feels like a really weird meeting. This is a. Welcome to kill Tony. This is the interview portion of the show where sometimes we talk about things that you don't get to control. Tom. It's true. This is like, I feel like your sick stepdad right now teaching you how to go through an interview process. And you are soft. That is. Yeah. Todd, I will say I thought your material was excellent. Oh, thank you. I actually thought. I think you. Because it actually did happen. I think you have to figure out a way to make the audience realize, like, no, you're telling the truth at that point, because when you switched into the real, like, I thought you were just going for shock value. And I was like, oh, none of this part actually happened. The first thing did, but the whole thing was fucking great. I think you just have to figure out how to push that second part into the audience believing, like, oh, no, he's really, like, this is for real. He's opening up about this, but making it funny. Okay, thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. I will say the profuse sweating is getting you halfway there. Yeah, yeah. It's believable with the sweating. You are a moist, moist little pudding ball. I'm getting wet. Yeah. But you're happily married now, right, Todd? I am married. I've been married for 18 years. Wow. 18 years. Wow. And what does your wife do for a living? She is. I'd imagine she professionally is a air fryer. Is this an air fryer you got married to? I love that. You think he would use an air fryer. No. She must be a professional. What, a microwave repair woman? What exactly does she do for a living? A grocery store cart pusher. She must be a fantastic chef. Right? Does she cook for you? She does, yes. Yeah. What is. What does she make? What are some of the. What did you have yesterday for dinner? What did I have yesterday for dinner? We had. We had. Well, I was flying down here. We had Eggo waffles. So. Perfect. Perfect. I'm sure your doctor would be proud. I'm sure your doctor's saying, you're not getting enough Eggo waffles for dinner on a Sunday evening. My favorite part of that was watching him mentally scroll through which dinner yesterday. And landing with all the pressure, millions of People inevitably watching this. You landed on Eggo waffles being the answer. Sweet. I was trying to impress. It was actually store brand waffles. It wasn't even Eggo. Wow, wow, wow. Have you had any pedo thoughts or like, like gay things in your head since being molested? Great question. Redban with a great quest. Always the best questions. Have you had any pedo thoughts? Fucking. He's definitely had PETA thoughts. I've had Cheeto thoughts, but no pedo thoughts. Wow. So incredible what ended up happening to this third stepdad. Have you ever checked in with him? Yeah, he died. He died a few years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Died from it, obviously. Died from disappointment from you not getting that sweet little hard cock. I have a real question. Did anything from the lesson stick with you? Just the memory. Just the. Just the. I do remember he wasn't. He wasn't erect at all. Like, he was not. He was just. He was just flapping in the way. I was hard as a rock. But he didn't. Maybe he's just a. Maybe he was trying to be cool. Maybe. Have you ever thought about going around and helping a 12 year old boy? Well, getting back to Ricky. I have, yeah. Sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like someone's biggest fear. All right, Kirby. Get away from me. Okay, Red Band Todd. Very fun times. You did it again. So many great appearances on this show. Thanks, man. Thanks. Thank you, guys. Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started, Todd Royce. And now we move to the bucket where anything can happen. A lot of these people we meet for the first time. This young man we actually know, he works in here at the Comedy Mothership. They all sign up every week. Every once in a while, we pull one of them out. This guy's one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Let's see a brand new minute from Jay. Legend, everybody. Jay Legend. Hell yeah. I just had a daughter 10 months ago, which is a dope experience. She's so precious and small. I'm looking at life through a different lens now. I got to protect her, you know? Like, I just rewatched the movie Taken for the first time as a girl, dad. It's crazy because I'm looking at Liam Neeson in this movie. Like, I wanna be like this dad, right? His daughter was kidnapped in Europe. He was given a 36 hour window to save her life. And in 36 hours he flew to Europe, killed 40 dudes and brought his daughter the fuck home. And I'm like, that's how you operate. If your daughter kidnapped, you get Your ass up and you go get her. I can't do it. But you should try if you got the ability, right? There's too many things that'll stop me from being that dad. The first thing that'll stop was he bought a flight to Europe the same day. The same day, my nigga. To Europe all the way. No layover. That's crazy, right? Plus, I don't have a passport. Okay? So now. Now I'm four weeks behind the 36 hour deadline trying to set up a payment arrangement with the killer to see if I could cash app him $200 to put my daughter at the back of the line. It don't work like that. It'll be a different movie. If I was in it, it'd be called Gone Forever. You're not gonna. Yo, that's my time. Mj. Legend. Wow. Exact stunning performance by Jay Legend. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Amazing. What's up, Tony? Hell yeah. Everything about that joke feels real. Feels like you would do that. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. So, Jay, remind us, how long have you been doing stand up? Six years. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago originally. Started comedy in Florida. Okay. Started in Florida. You've seen the Bean in Chicago? Yeah, yeah. Touched it, flicked it, peed on it. Drunk once. Wow. Incredible. You people really do some crazy things. So, Jay, how's life now? How long have you lived in Austin? So I'm going on like a year and a half I've been here. It's great. The whole first year I moved out here without my kids. Kids? They were back home in Florida. How many kids do you have? 2. Son and her daughter. And came out here. They live in Florida? No, they moved here now. They live with me now. Okay. So, yeah, I finally got to move them out here and it's been dope. Perfect. Are you still with the baby mama? No. No. So you have your kids just to yourself? No, she here too. Okay, she's here too. So you guys co parent, right? Co parent? Hell yeah. And what does she do? Does she paint nails? No, I just pay all the bills. She works at the dmv. I pay everything. And she just watches the kids? She just watches the kids? Yeah. All right. Easy Living. Red Band's freaking out over here. So she just watches the kids. And you're able to support yourself, her and the kids? Yeah, yeah. The comedian. The budget of a comedian? Hell yeah. How do you do it? Explain to these people how you pull it off, Jay Legend. Who are you stealing money from? Nobody, man. I just non Stop work. I work here as a door guy. I get whatever work I get from here. I'm on a loop with David Lucas. I feature with him sometimes, so that pays a lot of money. I'm out on the road. You and David Lucas on the Trying to Support Our Children tour. That's what it's called. We start this next year when it starts. Yeah, it's fucking incredible. What am I doing wrong with my money? I'm single, I have nothing, and every month I'm terrified of being broke. And then I'll meet a waitress who's like, I have six kids. I'm like, I don't understand how it's possible. Well, they're not tripping when they walk out. Big shows. How many video games am I buying? Yeah, yeah, it's incredible, man. Yeah, yeah. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. I can't, like, do what I want at all. But, you know, fuck it, I nutted in her. So these are the consequences. These are the consequences of nutting in a woman. Tim Butterly. There's probably some money in making a black version of Taken. Yeah. And calling it took. You guys have a good night. Yeah, it's a movie about you and wallets. I thought it was like a slavery thing, but cool. Oh, well, it really. It plays both ways. Look, already happened. That guy Todd, he's got a movie coming out. It's called Bacon. Oh, shit. So, Jay, tell us what's something crazy that you do for fun when you're getting away from the kids and the baby mama and everything? What's something other than stand up comedy? What do you do for, like a little release? You have any hobby? I don't know. One time I got like. I did some mushrooms and I wrote a song that was fun. Wow. Yeah. You, like, wrote the lyrics to a song? Hell yeah, bro. Okay, so I was going through the first breakup with my baby mama and we were moving out of apartment and she just like took the kids and moved in with her mom and left me in the house. And I was dead mushrooms out after an open mic. And I came home and I couldn't sleep at like 2 in the morning. So I wrote a song that was fun. How does the song go? Do you remember it? Yeah. Come on, tell us. How many of you want to hear Jay's song? Jay Legend making his musical debut here live at the Mothership in front of millions of people. That's crazy. And here. All right, so we go. So she left me. I was single at the time I was hurt. So these are the lyrics. The song is called Bags and Boxes. It's called Bags and Boxes. Yeah. Cuz that's all she left me with. Oh, she packed bags and boxes. All right, cool. All right, here we go. Okay. Bags and boxes coming up. Not going to be good. You left me alone and afraid? And you left me here to deal with this pain? And you left me with a pictureless frame? And all I have to my name? All the bags and boxes? You left me here to do this alone? And you left me and what I thought was my home? And you left me and everything is all gone? And all I have to my name. I love it. It's better than a modern day Will Smith, that's for sure. Bags and boxes. So I was broke as I didn't have nothing but bags and boxes and some mushrooms. So I love it. Those are some good mushrooms when you hurt. Those are great mushrooms, cuz. That song sucks, dude. Honestly, you left me. Tony, don't make fun of my hurts, man. It's adorable. Jay, great stuff. Fun times. Red Band, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Hell yeah, I'll be there. Appreciate you, dog. You already have a big joke book, right? Yep. J. Legend. And back to the bucket we go, everybody. Hey, y'. All. This podcast is sponsored by Bluechill. Guys, Enter the room. Dick First, Bluechew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And here is my senior sex correspondent, Tony. I'm a big throbbing fan of Bluechew. This ain't a supplement. It's an erection. A resurrection. Wow. And it's looking juicy down there, Red Band. Guys, this isn't just about performance. This is about legacy. Or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little bluechew. Discover your options@bluechew.com and we got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChew free. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time and one bust at a time. Head to BlueChew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring your podcast. This looks like a. Oh, my God. We know what that sound means. It is indeed. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. My goodness. Wow. With bags and boxes you left me. It's actually kind of catchy. He sucks at singing, but if, like a real singer sang that, that'd be great. You left me. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It is Ram B. Ram B. Hello, hello, hello. So I was recently in Wisconsin. Anybody from Wisconsin in the house? All right, normally there is, which is crazy. So I played a new game called do hard drugs and see who turns to Jesus first. Yeah, I hadn't played this game yet. I was at the bar. One girl that was like 40, I'm 47. She was another girl that was like 25. We go back to the apartment, we hanging out, they doing lines and shit, talking about, oh, yeah, you should see my white veil that I go to church in. Oh, my God, you go to St. Bernard's I go to Saint oh my God, Augustine. We should go together. And I'm like, you know what? I think Rambi just won the drink game of See who turns to Jesus first. Because I just did a little bit. They was doing rails and went all the way, you know. Yeah. My daughter said she saw Jesus at her bedside once. And I thought it was a Mexican dude named Jesus and his protective father. I was ready to throw hands, you know, I was ready to go for it. Then I realized I had to ask. Hey, you gotta ask Jesus a question. I don't know how you're here. Cause I definitely pulled out, you know. Thank you. Appreciate it. All right, Ram B. You know, I'm still thinking about the song you just sang for us a second ago. Starting to grow on me a little bit. With bags and boxes you, you left me. Hey. Hey. This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It's a different guy, everybody. It's a different guy. That's a new one. I'm going have to download that one. Yeah, yeah. The funny thing is I do rap and sing, which is hilarious to me because I wasn't expecting that standing back there. I have no idea what you just said. Ram B, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? Since 2021. So four years. About. Yeah, since 20 what? 2021. So about four years. Okay, four years. What do you do for work? I used to do a lot of physical jobs like machining and stuff like that, but now I'm actually Doing like phone customer service. Phone customer service. You do that from home or you do that from like an office? I just started, so it'll be an office. Yeah. Okay. All right. Real cool. Yeah. Okay. And what was the job that you had right before? How long have you been doing that? But I'm like a weekend. A weekend? Yeah, I just started. I'm in training, you know what I'm saying? Right. I got it. So what was the job you were doing right before that? I was moving people's apartments. Like, moving? Oh, yeah. Damn. I know. You looked at me like. You don't look like you could lift a couch. No, it doesn't. Yeah, I know. No, it's. It was too back breaking and I got a bad back. So I said, all right, I'm done with. With that, you know. Right. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Okay. Ramby, what's your love life like? I am single. I had a girl for a while, then moved to Austin to do comedy and she didn't want to come, so. So she's up in Wisconsin. Yeah. And that's. That's no longer a thing. We don't talk. So how long has it been since you talked? February. February? Yeah. You miss her? Honestly? Yeah, but you know, not enough to care right now. You know what I mean? I'm gonna kill Tony. I'm not thinking about that. You know what I'm saying? Right. I got bigger fish to fry. You feel me? Bags and boxes, bags and boxes. Hell yeah. Rambi's getting into it. All right, all right, all right. Show to Rosa. I'm not gonna be able to sleep cuz that song, it's going to be crazy. Are going to be in a padded room six years from now. Who left me bag boxes? God damn it. Yes, it is getting catchier by the minute. It turns out if anybody other than Jay Legend singing it makes it a perfect. So Ram, have you ever written a song or done anything other than stand up comedy of it? Yeah, I actually rap for about 25 years and. Oh, no fucking way. We gotta hear you rap, dude. It's not gonna be funny. It's just gonna be. We want to hear. Yeah. Is it an original? You have your own rap. Okay, let's get a little beat from Michael. Let's see. It'll be kind of slash rapping and singing. There be more. Whatever you want, but just give them the. The. 1, 2, 3. I called my baby oh, she didn't pick up I'm sitting in a forte I ain't got no pickup she ripped my heart Out. Oh, we got gory. I'm singing the same song as many before me but I shoe left me with bags and boxes you left me. Hey. Bags and boxes, Bags and boxes. Motherfucking bags and boxes. A little joke book, Ramby. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh yeah, we're flying through it here tonight. We're having a good old time. We're fun, fun times, Ram. Come back, sign up again sometime. We're gonna keep it moving. We having fun here tonight, huh? All right. I think you guys all understand what the show is. Anything can happen. And it's completely all right. Your next Bucket poll goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody. One minute uninterrupted for Darren Jones. Oh, wow. All right. I don't know what's going on. Must be a black thing or some shit. All right, that's cool. But I heard they put aborted fetuses in some vaccines. That shit tripped me out when I first heard it. I'm like, damn, man, I'm glad I didn't get that shot. Had blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy. Like depending on like who got the abortion, you gonna have the essence of a trauma filled bitch and an unwetted seed in your motherfucking vein. She would've fucked my circadian rhythm up. Nigga wouldn't have been able to get no motherfucking sleep. But human beings, they fuckin resilient though. It was this dude who was protesting climate change and he set himself on fire. I'm like, damn, what's the people who blocked the road to do that shit? Fuck yeah, Darren Jones. That's a good one. I think the first joke kind of like got unheard or something. We were all laughing at the fact that you're black. It's a thing. It's a thing we have. The property values in the bucket are plummeting. And I rapped the last time I was up here too, and I seen a black guy rapping coming out. I'm like, ah, shit. Yeah. Yep. My favorite thing I've ever seen on this show was when the third black dude in a row came out. You reached in the bucket and started feverishly mixing it up as if that was gonna defect. Did you overseason the Bucket tonight? Does this bucket say KFC on it somewhere? Joe, what the fuck, man? I'm sorry. I have a special coming out. I'm sorry. So, Darren Jones, welcome to the show, my friend. How long you been doing stand up? About two and a half. The close of three, probably years. Yes. Okay. Where Are you from Dayton? Ohio, man. The best city in the states. Ohio. We know it very well. How long have you been in Austin? Since January last year. Since January of last year. What made you move to Austin? Comedy. You wanted to do comedy? Yes, sir. Hell, yeah. What made you wait so long to start doing open mics after moving in? January of last year? I started right away. You mean January of this year, then n. Last year. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, I got up here was like September. Yep. Got it, got it. What do you do for a living? I work in a fencing yard. You work in fencing? Yeah, I manage a fencing yard. Yeah, a fencing yard. So you're in charge of putting up fence? Yeah, I work the shit out them Mexicans. Okay. Oh, I thought he meant, like N1 sword fighting. Yeah, could be, could be. It's amazing. Dude, your comedy is. I thought it was great, man. And I think, like, the fact that you're. You're one of the most natural comics I've ever seen. Like, you figured out the hard part and the jokes were funny. Like, I feel like you gotta. You got a nice road ahead of you, man. For real. I really appreciate it, man. Yeah, Yeah. I just gotta stay more consistent. But if you have a song. Have you ever written a song, Darren Jones? I wrote a lot of songs. Wow. What is happening tonight? This is amazing. This is the first time ever where all the bucket pools have been the exact same human being. It's never happened before over 700 episodes. Normally people are different sometimes. Sometimes it's people with different stories and lives. But not tonight. Just slightly different hairstyles from the bucket pools. Perhaps there's a wig person. What would we call them? Predator? I don't know. Red man. Unbelievable. Now, the more important question is, do you have a song you can sing that we can then hijack and turn into bags and boxes? My friend, you can turn any song into bags and boxes. It's possible to do with anything. So what is a song? That's an original song that you've written? Yeah. Okay. I gotta think of one though, man. Okay, while you think about it, I'm gonna ask you some more questions. What's your love life like? I'm single, man. Single? Yeah. Have you been hooking up with some random girls in Texas? Yeah, I got a couple of them. So how does that happen? Where do you meet a girl? Where does a guy like Darren Jones meet a girl? Oh, I met one at the. I don't remember where I met these hoes. I think I Met one actually walking down here somewhere close to this. On the street. The campus. Yeah. So on the street. And. And what do you say to somebody when you meet them? How you doing? Same. Everybody else say, Tony. Wow. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do to these thick white women that you're. Am I right? Are they. Are they thick white women that you're having sex with? Nah, I wish. I need some big pussy. Right, so you're with black women. One Mexican, one other one Mexican. Oh, they're both Mexican. One Mexican, the other one Mexican. One Mexican, the other one big suspense. Wait for it. Mexican. But one California Mexican, the other one Mexico Mexican. Oh, they're both about to be back in Mexico. Mexico. Cuz. We are cracking down. Sorry, horn players is going down. All right. What is it about Mexican women that you like so much? Sir? We ain't got a lot of them in Ohio, man. So you are correct. Over. Yeah, it's like Beni Hana. You don't always want the same flavor. You know what I'm saying? You might like vanilla every time, but I like to switch it up, you feel? My friend, I'm not only a fan of what you're saying, but I'm also a fan of Benihana's. I appreciate the. I appreciate the Benihana's explanation there. Even at Benihana, sometimes steak, sometimes shrimp. I'll catch it in my mouth right from that. Right from the chef's paddle. Okay, so just me connecting with my new black friend, Darren Jones. Darren, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Shit, probably my mentality. Really? Explain what you mean by that. I love that answer. Explain to these white people that drove 45 minutes from their ranches in the country what exactly you mean by black mentality. I know y' all know the word, but y' all know it like I do. I'm a nigga to the core, man. Oh, I love it. Keep it. Keep going, Keep going. Darren, you're just scratching the surface here. When you say to the core, explain to these innocent whites what you mean. Oh, man. Damn. How can I explain being a nigger? Oh, this is perhaps the greatest moment in the show's history right now. No, no, don't go to John D. No, John, I'm not letting you take over. I want a pure answer from Darren, and then we'll check in with John Dees. What he expects the show. Derosa, this is about to be the best TED Talk I've ever heard. Yeah, okay, go ahead. What do you mean by to the core? It just mean I'm black as fuck, man. Wouldn't want to be any other thing. You know what I'm saying? When you think of the stereotypical black man. I like watermelon chicken. Oh, hell yes. I like. I love all that shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You like sleeping in late? I wish I could, but I love hell if I could. Hell yeah. I like to be late every day if I could too. But shit, I ain't. I guess I ain't that fucking black. Cause I'm on time. So we're finding out. We're finding out you're not quite as black as you thought you were. Hey, man, don't be so hard on yourself. What's your credit score? Yeah, what. What do we got for a credit score? Like 720. Wow. Oh, the crowd goes wild. 720, ladies and gentlemen. Seven. Better than Joe Derosa's. He's got no kids. Absolutely. But I do own a Colecovision. Sorry, I forgot it. All right. So, Darren, have you thought about the original song? Yeah, you just give us a line or two. I wrote this when I was, like, I say about 21. I'm 37 now, so. This is 16 year old song. Wow. Red band's immediately attracted to it. 16 year old song. It's right in your case of girls. That's true. Y' all want. Y' all want the hook? Let's do it. Okay. It's about selling dope, so. Oh, I love it. I love selling dope. Let's go. It was. If you need a quick fix, you know where to get it. You know, I supply it with that shit up in my kitchen. The shit up in my kitchen is that shit that I be whipping. Equations to, how I weighs it. I doubles my coefficient. If you know math, then you probably. You get it. The bad, the blow. Never subtract money. Always addition emerald. The chef in the kitchen with this. Yay. That I'm whipping. I'm like my mathematician with this coke that I'm flipping. Hell yeah. Absolutely. He's rapping about crack. And crack rocks is. Let's bring it back to bags and boxes. All right, Fantastic. Fun times. Darren, here's a little joke book. Fun times. Sign up again, come back, do it again. Do it again, do it again. Bags and boxes she left me. Hello there. Our dear friends. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we were young, we used to dream of being anything. An astronaut, the president a princess. But as you get older, your Dreams change, focusing less on running the world and more on how you can take your skills and ideas and turn them into something real. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, maybe you start dreaming of owning your own business. Huh? Yeah, you'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. 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If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. So turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony shopify.com kill Tony oh hello. This podcast is sponsored by Nicked. It's time to tell you about our friends at Nicked. These are our favorite nicotine pouches by far. If you haven't made the switch to nicked pouches yet, now is the time. The flavor I'm reaching for most right now is Tropical ice. Nicked Premium Nicotine Pouches will elevate your nicotine experience. They're made with a proprietary coconut fiber blend filler for a better nicotine absorption and a more comfortable mouthfeel. With Nicked you get strong lasting flavor that is clean and discreet without the smoke or spit. And here is our senior Spit correspondent, Red Band Tony. I'm a obsessed with my nicked pouches. The other comics and crew around the set have all switched to nick too. Everyone loves them. Make the switch to Nicked Nicotine pouches like we did. We know you'll love these too. We have a special offer just for our Kill Tony listeners. Nick hooked it up with 35 off your first three orders only if you order now at nicked pouches.com Tony that's NYKD pouches.com Tony don't forget you can get 35 off up to three times. Nickpouches.com Tony Nick pouches are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical with bags and bumps. She left me. All right, this doesn't. This appears as if though the name will set us apart and break the streak. Almost disappointing at this point. But let's see what happens here. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Johnny Morney, everybody. Johnny Morney. All right. Hi, I'm Johnny Makhni. I'm a teacher during the day. That's my day job. I teach high school seniors. They're eight years younger than me. They. It's weird being so close in age to your kids. Cause they know your weaknesses, you know? Like, I had a kid show up 10 minutes late for class and before I could say anything, he was like, mock me. Mark me tardy if you're gay. I was like, fuck. I was like, you win this one, kiddo. And they get involved in your personal life too. Like, a bunch of my kids found out that I had this breakup. Cause the picture of my girlfriend disappeared from my desk. So they're all like, mock me. What happened to your girlfriend? Don't worry, Makhni will find you a new girl. We'll hook you up with someone. I was like, guys, guys. That's what parent teacher conferences are for. I'm gonna fuck all your moms. I've been clocking this class since day one. I know who doesn't have a dad. I'm well aware. I know who doesn't have a dad. And I know who has two cool moms. So that's my time. Thank you, Johnny Makni. I see. Those are ours. Your C's look like ours the way you write them. You do that on purpose. No, no, no. Has anyone told you that your C's look like ours? No, you're the first. But this is a huge credit for it, so I'll. It's a big deal. Yeah, it's a big deal. Okay. Johnny, what do you teach exactly? I teach AP Lit. AP Lit. At a high school? High school? Yeah. Wow. And you are. You're a young guy for that job, right? And that's here in Austin, so. No, no, that's back in Michigan. Oh, you work in Michigan? Yeah. Okay, so they have young people teaching young people there? Yeah. Okay. There's a shortage. Where exactly In Michigan, Lansing area. Okay. And that's where you're from? That's where you've lived your whole life? Obviously I moved around a lot as a kid, but that's where like I settled. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. No, it's okay. A fly just hit me in the head really hard. So hard that it actually blew my head back. I've been assaulted by a fly. It won that round, but I will get it by the end of the day. So, Johnny, how long you been doing stand up? About eight years. Eight years. Okay. And what do you do for fun, Johnny? Tell us about your life. You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking and let it rip. Definitely. Never written a song before? Never written a song. Exactly. No. Gosh, I mean, I do stand up, go to the movies all the. I go to the movies alone sometimes. I think it's better alone. Fun sneaks up on me, Tony. I don't know. I can't. I wish I knew. It's a weird thing to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fun sneaks up on you. Fuck does that mean. What do you. What exactly do you mean by that? I'm trying to say, like, I don't know what my hobbies are on paper. I think they just. I'm not, I'm. What ethnicity are you? You appear to have some kind of Asian esque eyes. Yeah, yeah. I'm half Thai, half Thai and the other half is Polish. Polak. Yeah. Okay, there's one clap. The tie pole. Yes. You're a tie pole. Yeah. The rare tie pole. Yeah. Do you ever feel extra Thai? Are there times where you feel like you're Thai? No. Well, I think the Asian and Polish cancel each other out. So I'm like. I'm like, okay at math, you know, like. It's true. I get the. See why that would work. Yeah. How are you at driving decent? At driving decent? Yeah. Yeah. Totaled my car only once, so. Yeah. Yeah, That's. That's about 50%. 50% Thai. Appreciate it. Most Thai people total their car twice when they're your age. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Johnny, I thought. I really enjoyed your material quite a bit. Thank you. It was great. But my question, this is a real question. You. You can come on a show like this and say wild shit like that and you don't have to worry about your job like they. He does. He has to worry. We'll find out. Yeah. Michigan also. You were like, I know what I'll do. I'll fly to Austin and get away with it. No, you won't. Well, Luckily, a lot of people in Lansing, Michigan, don't have WI fi, so it's an absolute dreadful place. If you bounced around a lot, what made you land in Lansing, Michigan? Well, I'm from DeWitt, Michigan, which is by there. And then we moved to, like. We were in Texas for like a year or two. We were there. We were in Mississippi, Chicago, and then I was in Thailand, actually, for like two and a half years. You move around a lot? Yeah, Yeah. A lot of bags and boxes, one could say. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, D Madness is back, everybody. You say Michigan three times. D Madness pops up out of nowhere. I love it. Johnny, tell us one more thing absolutely crazy about your life that makes you different that people would find interesting. There's an. You know, hgtv, there's an episode of House Hunters International about my family when we moved to Thailand. It's called Returning the Thai Roots. It's my one TV credit, so. Yeah, you can look that up. Okay. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. You bought the house before they filmed the episode. Like, you're already in the house. You have to make it look vacant. Oh. So I put all. I was like 11, 12 years old. I put all my stuff in drawers, and then we pretended we were looking at it for the first time. Wow. Now it was when you were 11. I was 2012. Okay. I would have been 13 at the time. Yeah. What makes you think you're not allowed to speak about what went on behind the scenes at hgtv? What do you think the consequences of that might be versus you being a man that handles young children coming on a show like this? I think your concerns are out of whack right now, Johnny. That's fair. I just. I'm afraid the Property brothers will come fuck me up, I guess. I don't know. How long are you in town for? Till July 8th. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Wow, look at that Red band booking real human beings on real shows. Johnny. Fun times. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go, Johnny. Morky. Morky. How fun. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are at the part of the show where I am going to ignore the next bucket pool and bring up an unbelievable golden ticket winner, perhaps one of the people's absolutely favorites of all time. He is back in town from Toronto, Canada, where he lives, where he spends most of his time famously eating ramen noodles. This is the return of Ka Arigato. I guess I'm a. I'm a bilingual I speak Japanese and English, and I feel like I have a different personality in each language that I speak. Like, English concept is more confident, but Japanese Kansai is like, more. It's like a little pervert, you know? Like, for example, when I see a beautiful woman walking on the street, English concert goes, I want to hit that ass. But Japanese concert goes, I want to get onto crowded Japanese train and casually tap that ass when I'm having a sex. English counselor goes, I want to pound you all night until you break down, girl. And Japanese concert goes, I have a work tomorrow. That's my time. Thank you. Has done it yet again, a little Japanese Canadian hybrid hero of the show. Hi. We love Kansai. A master at the interview portion. A man who, with calculated, crisp answers to every single question. Yes. A legend. A legend of the game. He spends, for those of you that don't know, spends hours a day sitting in a ramen restaurant in Toronto, Canada, slowly sipping hot broth. And sometimes he will grab chopsticks and deliver actual physical embodiments into his mouth and then chew them and swallow them. Am I correct? Yes. That is what you love to do. You love that more than what? More than my. Oh, Almost got in real trouble there for a second. But my girlfriend works there. I know. So best of both worlds. Everything is there. Everything is there in Kondorami. Now, let me ask you something. Very famously, the last time you were on this show, we did a thing that we do sometimes where we read Yelp reviews, and we famously read the Yelp reviews of your favorite ramen place, Ryuko Shenman. Tondo Ramen. You say it best. Say it to that camera over there, that blue light. And action. Action. Ryukyu Shimmen. Tondo Ramen. Yes. Everybody loves it. So since we read those reviews, word on the street is that it's kind of blown up a little bit. Have you noticed it getting busier? It blew up. It brew up. It brew up. It brought up. It grew up big time. Just like my country. Yes, yes. It's not the first time Americans have blown up a Japanese location. That's a really good point. Did I mention now's a good time to invest in Halliburton? Every. So Kansai, you're seeing it. You're seeing people come in. And do people recognize you since you're famous for sitting there? Yeah. They come and then they say, hi. It's a lot of Kiltoni fans coming in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is the owner happy with me? Owner's. Yeah, he's Like Tony. I love that. That's what I love. Yeah, that's exactly what I love. Amazing. And your girlfriend's happy about it? My girlfriend's happy, yeah. She's the only Filipino and half Filipino in a restaurant. So it's very easy to recognize. Right. And I. Well, for some people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up? That's a good point. Really good. Great point. So we have some reviews here. Current reviews of ryuku Shinman Tondo Ramen 15 star review from Jordan F. My friend Tony recommended me to try this place. You need to try it if you're in the area. Derek L. Five stars one month ago. Went there recently on a work trip. Was recommended by my good friend Tony. Love this place so much. Okay. All right. Joe R. 1 month ago. 5 stars. If it is good enough for Kansai, it will be good enough for you. My friend Tony said you will not leave Hungary. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Jason at five stars one month ago. Great food and great service. I really enjoyed my visit. Thanks to Tony for the recommendation. Just to be sure, can we see if any of these guys are all also reviewing like bath houses? Thank you to our friends Tony and Kai for the recommendation. John K. 1 month ago said, I heard about this place from some guys named Tony, Brian and Kai. Everyone should be going here for ramen. The whole place is absolutely incredible. Eating here is just the golden ticket. Heidi and the band are planning on coming soon too. Wow. Our fans are completely insane. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So this is happening. You have any. Are there any one star reviews recently? Let's see. That's how we normally do this. Just. Just five. Sometimes you have to balance the scales a little bit. Yeah, there it is. Click on that thing. Oh, oh, no. Recent ones. It's all old. All of them are six years ago or more. Absolutely incredible. Kansai. Yeah. Wow. Yes, guys. Thank you. Thank you guys. So tell us what else has been happening, Ksai, Anything else going on in your life that you're excited about? I am. I'm going tour. Oh, you're going on tour. Where are you going to go? Canada. Oh, wow. You live in Canada. Yeah. Very exciting. But you're doing other cities in Canada? Oldest. Yeah. Oldest city in Canada. Right. Thank you. Edinburgh. Yeah, Edinburgh. Edmonton. Edmonton. That's. That's uk. Ottawa. Ottawa. Vancouver. Vancouver. Victoria. Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Oshawa. Oshawa. Yes. New. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Ah, Holly Fox. Holly Fox. You ever perform Stand up In Japanese? In Japanese. It's really hard for me. It's really hard for you. Yeah. I'm not funny in Japanese. Okay, but you say you're bilingual, so you can talk in Japanese. It's just hard to be funny in Japanese. Yeah, it's different type of humor, right? Yeah. Plus all the bowing fucks up the timing. Yeah. Like, do you have a. Do any jokes in Japanese? Can you do one short joke in Japanese? Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, performing in Japanese in Japanese is Kansa Yasuda, super agent. Ah, Kansai. Kansai. Kansai. Very good, Kansai. Another amazing performance. You are truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Enjoy your Canadian tour and your newfound fame and your delicious ramen. Are they giving. They give it to you for free now, right? Ramen? Yes, every day. Ramen. Every day we're feeding them. People getting fire. Kai Yasuda reaping the benefits. Check out my tour, please. How do people get tickets to your Canadian tour? Go to my Instagram. What? Wait, what? What did you say? Go to your what? Instagram. Instagram. Instagram, Instagram, Instagram. Instagrama. Yeah. Kansai Comedy. Kansai Comedy. That's K A N S ei. Very good. Yes. Comedy. One more time for Kansei Yasuda. Ladies and gentlemen, Back to the bucket we go. I pulled one of the names of a young lady. Ooh la la. Heidi. Oh, my goodness gracious. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi? Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady was pulled out of the bucket in Phoenix, Arizona, years ago. It's been a while since she's been on the show. This is very exciting. Make some noise for Celia Contreras, ladies and gentlemen. So I own a rape whistle because I like to blast off a little tune before I get started. I went hitchhiking recently, and all my friends and family said stupid ass shit to me. They're like, what if you get raped or kidnapped? Y' all see me, right? If somebody raped or kidnapped me, that motherfucker earned it. Do you know how hard it is for guys to fuck me? With my consent, I have to spread my legs as far as I can. Send them down there with a call of duty headset and give it a them directions. You're gonna go six clicks to the north. You're gonna go through the main tunnel. The two smaller tunnels on either side are dead ends. And at the end of the night, they still jizz on my thigh. And at that point, I just want them to go home. So I'm like, good job, soldier. He did your country pass. Wow. Exactly a minute, Celia Contreras is back on the show. Hello, Celia. How are you? I'm going through a lot right now. Okay. Okay. All right. I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to fly back to Phoenix. I lived there. I moved back, but my friend fucked me over, ghosted the show he asked me to be on. So I was supposed to leave Saturday or Sunday, and now I'm here till Friday. Okay, and then you're going to Phoenix? Yeah. And you're gonna do a show there? Well, I live there now. Oh, you live there now? Yeah. Okay. So you're back in Phoenix? Yeah. I love Austin and I love Texas, but my heart belongs to Arizona. I'm sorry. Right, that makes sense. What do you love about Arizona? What exactly is it? Well, I didn't know what the dry heat was until I came here. That's part of it. But also, I'm smarter than everybody in Arizona because we're 49th in education. Right, Right. So I just kind of miss shitting on everybody in Arizona. That makes sense. That makes sense. And that's Phoenix, where you live? Yeah, I'm in Phoenix now. I'm born and raised. Flagstaff, Arizona. Okay, very good. You're fantastic at comedy. Remind us, how long have you been doing it? My nine year anniversary was in May. Okay. Nine years. And what. How do you survive solely off of comedy? Stand up. Doing standup for the last two years. Yes. And the kindness of strangers and friends. And also selling titty pics to lonely men online. Wow. Okay. What is a titty pick from Celia Contrera? Run. Exactly. Like, here's the thing. It's the same with my tarot card readings. Like, it's like, if you're lonely enough, if I think you're gonna kill yourself, it's free. Okay. And it's. And it's legal to be topless in downtown Austin, so there's some people who like. It's like, this motherfucker needs a win. They're not the best titties, but here you go. Right. Okay. Wow, you are lately 25 to $50 online. Joe's about to kill himself here, so. Dude, I love Joe. We had a heart to heart about Lord of the Rings. We. We. Wow. Oh, he's trying to get in your mortality. Just sign the guest book on the way out. We talked about Lord of the Rings, but I said that I was not a huge fan. Correct. You want me to lie for you right now? No. What did I say about Lord of the Rings, though? What did I say? Dude, you told me to watch the one with the Shadows in the background. Yeah, the cartoon from the 70s. Yes. That's a great one. I'm halfway through that and I fucking love it. But the thing is, like, I need to pay. It's only an hour long. I'm troubled that you had to split it up into parts. To be fair, by the time I have to watch it, we all know I'm an alcoholic. I drink Tony's crown. That is true. Yeah. But, like, I can't process new. Like, I can't watch something new if I'm writing jokes and. Or if I'm trying to fall asleep. Otherwise, I'll stay up all night trying to watch shit. Okay. Or I'll just completely miss the show. So I've actually tried to rewatch it, like, four times, and I love it. But I'm trying to write jokes. I don't. You could just set aside time to watch something. Are you writing? What is. Are you writing? Like, I mean, your comedy's very funny, so if that's what it takes, then that's great. But. Well, it's comedy. And my May journal. Cause I have bipolar disorder. Okay. So I have to fill that out where I'm keeping track of how much alcohol I have. And I normally do good until about 8pm that's how most alcoholics are. Yeah, 8pm I know what I am. Yeah, I'm working on it. No, that makes sense. Did you. Oh, go ahead. No, I was gonna say. Did you say you also do tarot card readings? I do tarot card readings. I can kind of do a palm reading and. Yeah. Oh, shit. What do we got here? This is your dominant hand. This is my dominant hand. May I? Please. Oh, my goodness. Ow. Sorry, that's my hitchhiking thumb. I might have to hitchhike back home after Friday. We'll play by Earn. But this. This is your lifeline, so it's pretty long. Sweet. So at the very least, you're not gonna die. At least until your 60s or 70s. Let's go. Wow. All right. This is your romance line. I don't know your relationships at all, but it's kind of like, on this weird linear path. It should go here. Well, it's kind of going this way, but that's a faint line, so. Does it say anything about possibly getting my dick sucked by my wife tonight? No. Damn. So close. These three lines here say you'll have at least three kids. I do have three kids. Wow, look at that. Hey, come over here. Read Red Band's lifeline real quick. I'm really curious. Hold On I am too fat to walk. Walk over there and look at red band. Red band. Go over there real quick. I want to know. I got to know what his lifeline's looking like. For those of you that don't follow him on Instagram, he posts pictures of every disgusting meal that he eats, which is every night, in the middle of the night. Always sugary, lots of carbs. He can't stop posting about it, even though I make fun of him every single day about it. He'll literally post, oh, my girlfriend made me fried donuts at 3am So I just can't imagine how long is that lifeline. Celia, redbay doesn't have a lifeline. It's a drive through line. What are we looking at? Celia, real quick, Redbend, you have your affairs in order? No, like, you have like five splayed lifelines, but, like, they don't get to hear. So you might die sooner than you want to. That's one possibility. But it could mean you'll live longer, but you're just gonna have a fuckton of like, health problems. Perfect. So, like, we're talking heart disease. Slide just flew out of his ear. Is that a good sign? Also, I missed you guys. Come on back, Redband. You look fantastic. Look at this in n out bag coming towards me. Absolutely incredible. There you go. Sit down, Celia. Fun times. Anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on? Well, a lot of crazy shit, but, like, I'm not gonna bore them with it because it's crazy for me, not for them. I love it. Tony, can I ask you a question? Okay. I met you to sign my Marriott card from when we went to Celebrity Theater, but could you sign this wristband for me? Okay. Yep. I really appreciate it. Yes, absolutely. You hate to see a wristband drop in value like that. It's instructions on. You're now her emergency contact at a rehab facility. Celia, here's a big joke book. You got it? I'm gonna try to aim it right at those fucking money bags. There you go. Yeah, you see that? That's how you do it. You just fucking sometimes. Sometimes. You gotta use the old bread baskets there. One more time for Celia Contreras, everybody. All right, we're having fun in here tonight, okay? We're going to meet your next bucket pool all together. It goes by the name of Joe Ellis. Jo Ellis. Joe Ellis. My name is Joe Ellis. I have served in the military for 16 years as a Blackhawk pilot. Yep. Happy pride. I've been fired by President Trump. He said you're fired. Yep. So I figured I'd start my career in stand up comedy. I hear it's very lucrative. So here I am, first time signing up and this is exciting. I'm not sure if you could tell that I was trans. I'm always kind of self conscious about my voice. I figured it'd give me away, but men I've been with lately actually said it was my dick. Yep. So that answered that question. Being fired is not the only surprise I've had this year. I was also accused of crashing my Blackhawk into an airliner in D.C. back in January. I don't know if y' all saw that. It kind of blew up online. There it is. Yeah, yeah. Trans terrorists that committed a murder suicide, killing 67 people, including myself. And during the doxing process when I was number two on Twitter that weekend, they found out I'm converting to Judaism. And so trans and Jewish, if you haven't noticed, my hobby lately is collecting identities that people hate. Thank you. Holy shit. Joe Ellis. I have a thousand questions. I'm so excited you're here. Let's check in with Tim Butterly first. Tim, this is the crying shame that the military let a female Black Hawk pilot go just for having a white. Yeah, that's a great point. You are powerful, powerful presence. Jo Ellis, welcome to the show. How long were you in the military for? 16 years. 16 years. And you really got released recently? I am currently in the process of separation. And how exactly were you informed why or how that happens? They said, hey, you're a tranny, you're getting fucking kicked out. Is that true? I mean, they didn't say it like that, but the executive order came out and they said all trans out of the military, and. And I was one of them. So 16 years. Do you get like all your benefits and stuff? Is it kind of like a good separation? Not really. Really? What's the downside? Can you kind of explain it to us? Because we have no idea how it works. I'm being discharged under a code that means I'm a national security concern. Interesting. Same thing that they discharged gay people out of during prior, you know, don't ask, don't tell. So how long you've been in the military? 16 years. How long of that were you a female? Does this make sense? It does. So I transitioned in 2023 during the Biden administration when it was allowed. And then the new administration came in and they said, sorry, but because you did that, now you're disqualified. So when you say that you transition does that mean, like, you just let your hair grow out? Like, what exactly does that mean? Yeah, I started hormones. I call them my titty Skittles. I grew these. These are natural. Yeah. Okay. And then I got a face surgery, which I paid out of pocket for all this $60,000 for this beautiful face, right? Yeah. Okay. And I've been shopping for vaginas lately, but I haven't done that yet. What is the shopping process for vaginas? Like, exactly. It's crazy because I still kind of have, like, a guy brain, so, like, I shop it like I'm shopping for cars on Facebook. Marketplace. Yeah. Like, you know, I'm just like, oh, check out this one. I found out there's two types. There's a full depth and a no depth. Oh, why would anyone want a no depth? I don't know. Because it's like getting a Lamborghini without an engine. Like, what the fuck? It's like having a little kitty inflatable pool in your backyard instead of the deep dive with a diving board. Joe Derosa is freaking out right now. We're gonna let him ask this question. Can I. Hard as a rock right now. Can I beg you? Can I beg you to not get the vagina? Don't ruin this beautiful thing you've done. Keep the wonderful cock. I mean, that's awesome. Thank you. Thank you. It does play well in certain demographics, like bi women, men in their 40s. All right, we'll talk. Yeah. Joe Derosa famously got his dick sucked in. Skank fest. Hand job. Oh, no, that's not the story we heard. Actually was. Yeah, you got a. Wait, you gave it a blowjob? No, I got. No, no, no, no. You gave up. No, I didn't. I would tell you. I would tell you. I have no. I have no shame. Right. It's okay. You don't have to. You don't have to just make noises. Just. Cuz you're excited now, but don't. I have questions for you, Joe Ellis. So I've always wondered what this thing is. Like, so first of all, like, when did you start to think that you're a woman? Like, was it when you were a kid or is it something that. Yeah, so five years old, I had symptoms, but because I grew up in a conservative, homeschooled, religious household, my dad worked for Pat Robertson at cbn. You know, that kind of environment. Yeah, I didn't know what it was. I just thought it meant I was a bad person. And then when I was in army training and Sears school, which is an intense survival school. I was locked in a box, as they do for about 12 hours. Were locked in a box? Were you locked in any bags? Were you locked in bags and boxes? Yeah, bags in boxes. Everyone just won a million dollars. It's a reference from earlier. Don't worry about it. Okay, so you were locked in a box and very hungry, very tired. And that's when I just started having these epiphanies that, like, I couldn't push it away anymore because I was so exhausted. I was like, oh, shit. I think this means I'm trans. I guess I have to deal with this when I get out. And I sought therapy and that's how it started. So you could say the army trans me. Very interesting. Why did they put you in a box? Well, that's just part of the POW training that you go through. Okay, and when you say you were 5 years old and you started having symptoms, what exactly does that mean? What were those symptoms? I would steal my sister's clothes and dress up and then be scolded for, you know, that being a terrible thing and boys don't do that and lots of gender envy. So, like, just seeing women and just being envious of them. So now I'm going to ask you questions about the penis vagina thing, which I find so interesting because you can come right now. Yeah, right. That sounds a lot like me. So you can come now. Help me to understand because I'm just like. It's like I'm blind to it. Right. Sorry, D. Madness. But I just simply don't understand the idea of giving up, coming forever to have just a physical thing. Can you kind of like, help me to understand that? It's so advanced now. Most people can still come afterwards. You can come with a depth vagina? Hell yeah. Wow. And there's butt cumming too. Butt cumming. Butt cumming has entered the chat thanks to our senior butt cumming correspondent, Brian Redband. Butt cumming, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Is there a percentage of. Of possible failure with the in depth vagina? I probably. Like I said, I just started shopping recently, so. Right. An interesting thing. So, Joe Ellis. So what are you doing now? Now that you're out of the military? What's your. What's your new plan? Well, I do it to pay the bills. And I've been a fan of comedy since I was a teenager. Vicious circle, Dane Cook era was huge to me. And just Richmond, where I'm from gets a lot of great comedians. Tom Segura, Louis CK coming through this year. And I just I always go to shows, and I was like, I would love to try that sometime. But until the crash rumor happened, I was nervous. So that's real. So that crash, all that was real? Female pilot of the Blackhawk helicopter, and someone started, a conspiracy theorist that the female was actually trans and that it was on purpose. DEI hire. Wow. And that was you? That was me. And you got doxed for that? Yep. And now I'm suing in federal court. Wow. Who is. Who are you suing? The news outlet that reported that Matt Wallace. Okay. On X or Twitter. Wow. Amazing. That's incredible. And he must have done no research. He just heard it and ran with it. Or researched you and looked you up and just threw you under the bus. First one to tie my likeness to the rumor. We don't know if he started the rumor, but he had millions of followers. He did the most. What we can determine is damage, so. And because I was a private person, I didn't really have a social media following or anything. I think it's a good case. Were you already fired from the military just before that, or did that happen all at once? It kind of all happened at once. The executive order came out, which meant it was coming, but I was still, you know, serving. And then the crash happened that week, and then I was named as the pilot. Okay, let me ask you this. When you started taking the female hormones and everything like that, did you notice yourself kind of becoming a less tough soldier? Does that kind of make sense? Were you. It makes sense. Sore, or do you nag a lot? Yeah, I mean. Ladies and gentlemen, we have woken up Osama bin Laden up from a nap. My tits got sore because they were growing, right? Yeah, but. But I was still. I was still mentally tough. Like, I'm still mostly me. Like, did it make you more emotional? At first. And then I got stable on them in a few months, and I was. I was good to go. But you were in the military? For a few months on medicine. Feeling kind of unstable? Not unstable, no. Just emotional. So I was grounded from flying during that time and then put back into service afterwards. I was deployable within six weeks. Hell, yeah. Okay, so, interesting. And what types of things, over your 16 years of military service have you done? Did you go to the Middle East? I did so before I became a warrant officer and a pilot a few years ago, I was a mechanic on helicopters, and I doubled as a door gunner on the, uh, 60 during Iraq in 2011. So I was a door gunner. Hell, yeah. Wow. And now you're about to Bunker bust your dick off. That's incredible. This is absolutely amazing. Speaking of that, if I could urge you once again to just keep the beautiful gift God gave you, at least for one more night. Yeah. Cleco Vision Red Band. Just don't do that anymore. Okay? So, Joe Ellis, explain to us what you're. What you're like you want to do. Stand up full time now. Do you live here in Austin? I do not. I live in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia. Okay. That must be a tough place for a trans person to live. Am I right? You kind of get stared at a lot. I mean, like that. I get stared at everywhere I go. I'm tall. Yeah, all these things. Exactly. No, it's. Richmond is actually like a blossoming queer community. You'd be surprised. Okay. Yeah. That's interesting. What's your type? This could be anything right here. What, it's a person that. Your type that you're most attracted? Yeah. I mean, I lean towards women, but since transitioning, I have tried men. So you're kind of a lesbian? Kind of. I've got some stories. A lesbian with a penis built in, strap on. Oh, I got a story about that. Absolutely incredible. Like, what is a story? When you say you have stories, I agree with John Dees. I do believe it was on this. Who said that? Let's hear it. Yes. Since I've tried it all now, since coming out, lesbian women have been interesting because some of them like that I have a dick and some of them don't. And some of them are like, well, I'd rather use toys or whatever. And I've got skills. I can do that. But one time, this one girl handed me, it was in a box as a toy, and it was a fucking strap on one. And I was like, yeah, it was offensive because it didn't have, like, vibrations or lasers or any cool. It was like as if I went and got mine made into one and I was like, I mean, I still her with it. Wow, that's incredible. So you put it above your penis and just. Yeah. Wow. I mean, it's great if you want to do like, dp, like Double Penetration. Oh, my goodness. I. That's amazing. Red Band is in his glory right now. I don't think I've ever seen seen him more happy about that on stage. That's hilarious. Also, Joe, speaking of toys, I have what's called a Colecovision. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but I'm happy to show you that's for zero penetration. Jo. Ellis, I like your style. You're getting a big joke. Joke book. There's a black one. How about that? Boom. Oh, she catches like a woman. Everybody, the transition is happening. Catches like a real woman. Not like a guy that was in the military for 16 years, but like a brand new female. Now, I'm going to hand this to you, but you need to promise you're not going to try to turn this into a little joke book. I promise. That's funny. Jo Ellis, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Joe Ellis. Fun times. All right, your next bucket pool is on the inside. A comedian from around here. He's been on this show before. Make some noise for Keith Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Is Keith Ray around? Keith Ray. We have movement by Keith Ray. I'm not seeing movement. Oh, boy, what a disaster. With a Venmo debit card, you can Venmo more than just your friends. You can use your balance in so many ways. You can Venmo everything. Need gas? You can Venmo this. How about snacks? You can Venmo that. Your favorite band's merch. You can Venmo this. Or their next show. You can Venmo that. Visit Venmo me Debit to learn more. You can Venmo this or you can Venmo that? Yeah, you can Venmo this. So you can Venmo that. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp bank and a pursuant to license. My MasterCard International, Inc. Card may be used everywhere. MasterCard is accepted. Venmo purchase restrictions apply. This message is brought to you by Abercrombie and Fitch. I've been ready for summer for a while, and now it's finally time for summer outfits. With a trip coming up, the A and F vacation Shop has me covered. Abercrombie really knows how to do a lightweight outfit. Their tees, sweater, polos, and linen blend shorts never miss. I wear Abercrombie denim year round. Their shorts are no different and have the comfort I need for summer. Prep for your next trip, the ANF Vacation Shop get their newest arrivals in store online and in the app. How many you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? It's pretty good. Pretty good ratio there. You could turn down the inside lights. They're grabbing them. Here he comes. It's Keith Ray from the very, very back of the Here he comes. It's a long walk to the top if you want to rock and roll. All right, one more time, ladies and gentlemen, For Keith Ray, everybody. A little about me. Obviously a big fan of the Little Mermaid. Yeah, not so much. Ariel. I like that Ursula. Yeah, I like that big bitch. She got ride or die bottom bitch energy. That's the kind of chick you can start an insurance fire. And she's got eight legs. That's four pussies. I know math. She's got them big old squid tits, big old sack of mud. Titties, we call them back home, kind of tit. You can smack one tit and it'll roll out, come back like the tide. Big old sheet cake, lunch lady jugs kind of titties. Got the brown stain on the bottom from dipping in the manwich juice. I like a bitch so big her titties start in the middle of her back, come swooping. All right, Keith Ray with a full presentation for those of you that remember Ursula from the Little Mermaid. Wow. Joe derosa. Keith. I never thought I'd see a comedian that made Uncle Laser look distinguished, but dear Lord, that is incredible. It's quite the breakdown of Ursula from the Little Mermaid. I don't even remember what that looks like or what it is or anything, really. I'm not a big Little Mermaid. You've seen the Little Mermaid a lot. John Dee's just made a noise back here and she's a big. She's a. I get the. I get the. I get the point. She's a big girl, but do a lot of. Oh, yeah, that one. You watch the Little Mermaid a lot? When I was a kid. When you were a kid. Okay. And you still got her on the mind. There's still time to catch Celia on the way to the airport. That is true. That is true. A lot of bags. One box. Keith Ray. So remind everybody how long you been doing stand up? 12 years. 12 years. And you live here in Austin? Tell us about your life. Well, I moved here back in 22 in January and I lived in my van for four months. And then I moved into room for rent above the Chupacabra Cantina. And yeah, spent the next two years drinking myself into oblivion. Yep. And I was one of the original 15 door guys here at the greatest club on planet Earth. That's true. One of the original door guys here at the Mother Show. And I was the first one fired. That is true. We all remember that. You were very, very sloppy. You would linger around until the wee hours of the night keeping conversations going with absolutely anybody that would sit anywhere near you whatsoever. And it was unbelievably annoying. You were a terrible Terrible drinker. Yeah, I was. But you're sober now. 14 years of daily practice. I never got good at it. And you're sober now? Yeah, I quit after I got fired. Right. And last November I got passed as a regular here at the club. That is true. He closes some of the shows. I'm a little boy late at night. So Keith, what did you do to quit drinking? How does someone that made their entire existence drinking? And how do you quit? Well, I left town. I thought I needed to change the scenery so I went to LA for a couple months because that's like the worst drinking town in America. Everything's so spread out and yep, started going to yoga every day because you had turned me on to hot yoga. That's back when I was still in my drinking days. That is true. I insisted that you try hot yoga to try to reset something in your system. Yeah. And it worked, huh? Yeah. Look at you now. You can't imagine what he looked like before. I was gonna say, you sure you're going to hot yoga and not frozen yogurt? I love it. Hey, you got fat people at yoga class. Keith, what else do you do when you're not doing stand up? I'm doing stand up full time now. Right, but like what else? Like at nighttime for example, when you used to just get obliterated drunk, what do you do now? I don't know. I like to watch the Sopranos with my girlfriend. Genius. I love that. That's pretty much. I like a nice bowl of ice cream from time to time. Or okay, big Oreos guy now. Oh, look at that. Yeah. How many Oreos are we talking about, Keith? I try and keep it in single digits. If I had done that when I was drinking, I probably wouldn't had to quit. Hell yeah. Try and watch my over intake. But yeah, I'm a milk and cookies guy now. I used to do rails of coke and drink bourbon by the fifth, but milk and cookies, look at you. Adorable. Years away from being a mall Santa. Assuredly, Joe Derosa. I, I can't, I can't believe getting fired as a doorman was your boy bottom. You've mentioned eight worse bottoms in this interview than the door guy thing. Yeah, no, I, I, I quit drinking because this club's a family and I wasn't going to pick the bottle over my family. It really is true. He's a, he's loved around here, Keith. A good set. Rock solid. You already have a big joke book. No, I haven't done your show since, since it was in the belly room at the store. Wow. Well, guess what, my friend Red Band love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Keith. Keith Ray. I love you guys. Keith Ray. This is definitely a new name. I would know if I've pulled this out of the bucket before. Very interesting name. I'm excited about the Kill Tony debut of Sancho Pancho Villa. What's up, guys? I know a lot of people can't tell most of the time, but I am vertically challenged. I'm five' one on a good day. Which is ironic because I'm actually into taller women, but not for any weird like fetish reason like most normal people. I just want to hopefully get one pregnant so that way my kids have a chance at a normal life. But I can't date tall women anymore. I can't do it. My last tall girlfriend, she got mad at me because I was going to go out on a Monday night and do some show called Kill Tony. And she was like, well, my horoscope is an asparagus or some bullshit. And she needed to be nurtured and comforted. So she's like, well, let's see how far you get without these. So she grabs my keys and she throws them on top of the refrigerator. So I can't date tall women anymore. Thank y' all so much of it. I like the way you say it. Sancho Pancho Villa. Thank you very much. Sancho Pancho Villa. Nice to see you again. Tony, Good to see you. You've been on the show before? No, we met around dinner, like a few months back around dinner. I was. What the are you talking about? I was leaving the restaurant and you were going in. Okay, all right. Yeah. And I met you. Yeah, I can't be specific. I think it was like February 25th at like 503pm wow. All go. Amazing. Amazing. Sancha Panchabilla. Joe Derosa. I just saw today. You were great. And 28 years later you were really. For the people that saw it. That's very funny. The if you ask the women is 28 inches later. So. Whoa. This guy's claiming he has a huge. Is it as big as you? I'm average for my size. You are adorable. Sancho Pancho Villa. I gotta know, what do you do for work looking like that? I have a part time job as an operations assistant. What exactly are you assisting in operations? It's this chocolate factory. He's an Oompa Loompa Villa. That was my last job. But I. I got caught. Mrs. Oompa Loompa. So Seriously, stick with the actual questions here. What, are you working? No, I do assistant for operations for, like, a trailer repair company and, like, Kyle, so I set that up so I could come here on Mondays to make sure I could sign up. Okay, so what is. What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Sancho Pancho Villa. Do someone have to. To let you out of the crib that you sleep in or you kind of crawl out on your own? You kind of put a little. Little ladder there? A grasshopper opens my drawer. No, I like to drink a lot, so I just make sure I go check. Make sure I didn't crash my car. I mean, that's. So when you say you drink a lot, what do you mean exactly? You go to bars? Well, I was in the Marine, so I have a high tolerance, so I just. I drink a lot. You were in the Marines? Yes, sir. Somehow, this is crazier than anybody else. We found out that. Did military service today. I have a tattoo, my license. Oh, my God. What exactly did you do in the military? Well, I was 53 when I joined. Now I'm 5 1. But, no, that's. That's true. I was a. I was an engineer company. So we built stuff, blew it up and. Yeah, just heavy equipment operations, generator, mechanic, stuff like that. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Sancho Pancho Villa. Yeah, man. Wow. So when you say you drink a lot, like, what does that mean? Like, two or three drinks in your trash? No, like, maybe after, like, five double Whiskey Sprites and, like, seven tequilas, and. I'm buzzing. Oh, my God. And what do you like to do when you get drunk? Do you, like, flirt with girls? I like to talk to married women, but, no, you talk. Is that true? Yes. Yeah. No. So I got the. I got the nickname Sancho by always, like, not caring who I'm flirting with. Really? Yes. Yes. What does Sancho mean? It means, like, a side, dude. It's like a term of endearment in Hispanic culture for, like, a guy that sleeps with married women. Really? Yes. So that really is a thing of culture? It is. It is. Wow. So how many. If you had to guess how many married women you've slept with, Sancho Pancho Villa, how many would that number be married? Because I also sleep with people with, like, boyfriends and stuff like that. So married women. So you're. Before you answer, you're specifically into women that have someone else? Yes. That's, like, a thing of yours? It wasn't at the beginning, but it's just because so when you go up to a woman at a bar and you're like, hey, you know, what's up? Nice to meet you. Do you have a boyfriend? And they say, yes, you are into it more. My first question is, how tall are they? Is my first question, how tall are you? No, whenever they say, oh, I have a boyfriend, I'm like, like, okay, how tall is he? Oh, and then if he's not like over six five, I'm like, I could fight him. Like, you think you could fight someone that's. As long as they're not over 6 5? I know it. I know I could. I would almost argue that you have a bigger advantage over someone that's taller than 6 5. You could shoot low. Seems like you would get the absolute beat out of you by a six foot three guy. No, I got, like, a strong job, but like I said, pick someone up and slam them like n. Okay. Sana Pancho. What can I say? Has that ever happened before? Have you got. Also, if you squeeze his legs together, he's got to really mean this thing. It's an action figure. Oh, my God. Sancho Pancho Villa. So let's go back to. To that number, ballpark number of married women. It's probably like, not to be specific, but like 27. Oh, my God. So have. Obviously, 27, right? Yes, sir. Even though I'm sure you're exaggerating by like, 26. I'm not. Not so. I'm not. I'm not. So. So has there been times? Obviously there must be, where you kind of got in trouble. Kind of got caught. Right? The husband finds out, tracks her down, she's at your place, something like that. No, I always go to her house or her place, or we do it in the car. So. Okay. And then I'm 5:1 on a good day. So I get out any size window. So what, like, in case the husband gets home early, I can escape out any size window? Yeah, I'd argue that. You have any special. Go ahead, Joe derosa. Maybe a bay window. You have any special moves in the bedroom? Sancho Pancho Villa, how do you please these women? What's your specialty? Well, so I'm so short, I go up on women. So, like, I start and I start, like, from the clit, and then, you know, I start, like, kissing the thighs and stuff like that. Usually it's a lot of, like, vaginal play and like that. Just vaginal. Vaginal play? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. So keep describing this vaginal play to us. This episode is brought to you by Talk Space, Prize Picks and Toba, by the way, I forgot to mention that earlier. They're gonna love that shout out right there. Yeah, man. Cuz now it's part of an Internet clip. Okay, go ahead. So like, when I first joined the marines, like my training sergeant, he gave me this book and it was like, how to. How to complete a female orgasm. And I read the whole book and. And so, yeah, so it just said like, oh, yeah, you know, you want to make sure that you do the Alphabet and you do the ton. Tornado, you know, and then I just make sure that they get close to climaxing, but I don't. I make sure they don't finish because I still want to. So, like, you know, you think if you make them finish, they're not going to want to? Yeah, no, I don't think that, but it's just a precaution. Yeah. You know, like, have you ever. Has that ever happened where you've given a woman an orgasm and then they don't let you afterwards? Only when she sobered up. No. No, it's never happened. Not yet. Right. And I hope it doesn't. So. Okay, Tim Butterley, I know you said you've sworn off tall women, but we had an absolute knockout blonde a couple of comics ago. Now. No, I don't date. It kind of depends on how you feel about a shallow vaginal canal. I think it's going to work perfectly for her. Perfect. It's perfect. If that dick looks like, like the tater tot that I'm picturing. Hey, but at 100 miles an hour, they're going to feel it. You know what I'm saying? Wow. Is that what you do? You have 100 miles per hour pelvic thrust. Yeah, I don't look like. Can you show us. Can you show us what you like? Can. No, not your dick. Just your hip movement while. Yeah, man, like so, like, it's just like. You don't need to. The desk. We want you out there so that we could kind of see it go back that way. Take a step back. Right in that line. Light right there. Yes. All right, cool. So like, I make sure I stretch so I don't pull anything. And then like, I just like, oh, my God. You know, let's go. Wow. Absolutely incredible. One of the most disgusting episodes in the show's history. This is not the first time I've asked this question on this show. What the is happening right now? Yeah, man. What is going on? It is incredible. This is a wild episode. Sancho Panchobia Anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? I support this nonprofit for veterans. Disabled veterans. Yeah. Nothing better after 35 fast pelvic thrusts than giving a shout out to a good old nonprofit. What exactly is this nonprofit that you're promoting right now? Yeah, so it's. It's. It's ahousa.org and it's ran by my former, you know, commanding officer, and it's just bringing a bunch of disabled veterans together through outdoor activities. Yeah. Amazing. I love it. Thank you, Sancho Pancho Bia. Here's a little joke book. Or as you call it, a joke book. Hey, him and Joel is catch the same. That would be a magical. A magical connection. All right, let's get one more bucket pull in here. Make some noise. Ladies and gentlemen, for Mike Ryan. Mike Ryan. One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy is that I don't fit in. I don't fit into the comedy scene in Houston where I'm from. I don't fit in with all these other comedians, mainly because, like, they all grow up class clowns or they're molested. The lucky ones are both. And I feel like at 37 years old, I'm too old for either of those things to happen. For me at least, without it being my fault. Like, if I get molested at 37 years old, that's on me. That's my bad. What was I wearing? It's been kind of a tough year. They took away pornhub in Texas. Got so bad this morning, I had to jack off using my imagination. Turns out I'm pretty fucking gay. Dude, I had no idea. How am I supposed to tell my mom that I'm a Democrat now? I'm not gonna be one without the other. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Mike Ryan. You've been on this show before? Mike, welcome. How you doing? Remind the people. How long you been been doing standup? One year, seven months. And what do you do for work? I'm a logistics coordinator in a refinery. Okay. Like a. Like an alcohol refinery? A chemical refinery. Chemical refinery. What. What type of chemical exactly? Olefins is what they use to make plastics. Oh, okay. Is that hazardous to be around? Yeah, probably. We're gonna find out. Yeah, we are. God damn. That's pretty crazy. How long have you worked there? About two years. Okay. And it pays well? It's pretty good. Long hours? No. I probably shouldn't say this, but I don't work very much when I'm not on a project. It's like, you know, it's really chill, but when I'm on a project, it's 84 hour weeks. 84 hour weeks. Oh, geez. Whoa. Yeah, I did the math on that. That sucks. Bucks. Holy damn. And is that mostly like sitting in a chair or like, what do you do? Yeah, I'm a. I. So I coordinate the logistics, the shipping and receiving of everything that goes in and out of the plant. So, okay, what do you do for fun? For the last year and seven months, just comedy. Other than that. You must have some kind of hobby or something. I like to hang out with my daughter. That's pretty cool. Okay. How old's your daughter? She's 12. 12 years old. Look at you. I wouldn't have guessed that you came inside of somebody 12 years ago. You would be very surprised. Yeah, yeah. Yep, I am that. Exactly that surprised right now. But you only have one kid. Yeah. Amazing. And what's that like, is the mom live near you? About 30 minutes away. All right. And you guys switch on and off or whatever? Yeah. Okay. I got really lucky in the baby mama department. Never had a problem. No fights, nothing. Amazing. That is amazing. And so this 12 year old growing up and 12 years old in the year 2025, what are you noticing? What's going on? Roblox is expensive. She trans yet? What's up? Getting nothing. Oh, no, she's not tran. She's actually going to church camp in like two weeks, so. Oh, that's where you get trans at. So perfect. Yeah. Amazing. What exactly. What exactly is church camp? It's a camp. It's actually here in Austin. I forget what it's called, but it's like a camp for girls that are Christian and like to hang out and have a good time at camp, I guess. I don't know. I don't ask too many questions about it. I love it. Yeah, I should. You could always just trust the adults at a church camp with your kids. What could possibly go wrong? Anyway, has she ever been to church camp before? Last year was her first year. Yeah. Okay. All right, good. So it's fine. All right, good. And. Yeah, Joe Derosa. Go ahead. I have a question. Red band. Wait, I'm sorry, Red band. You guys are somehow both dressed like two obese Kleenex boxes. It is shocking. According to the law. According to the laws of physics, one of you is going to disappear in a minute. How are you guys both dressed? Like the Big Island. Absolutely. A year and seven months. So you're. You're. You're very slick with. With the comedy for that short a period of time. Thank you. I appreciate it. I work very hard at it. Yeah, yeah. Very good. I actually you mentioned the shirt. I bought this shirt when I got booked to do secret show by Enrique because it matched the background, so. Nice. So red band did inspire this shirt. Wow. Oh my God. Oh my God. That wasn't the backdrop. Red band was just standing behind you. I love it. Mike Ryan, what's something else we should know about you? Something crazy about your life or some weird habit that you do? What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Not pray. Yeah, but what. What, what do you. What do you do? So like I said, I work remote most of the time. So I kind of wake up and just turn the computer on and then check. You in bed already. Yeah. Okay. I am very lazy. I don't know if you guys. Yeah. Do you jack off on the clock? No, I'm sorry, boss. If you see this, it's better than the high school teacher earlier. I got the. The. The camera on my laptop covered. So we're good? Yeah, Perfect. Okay. What about the microphone though? How much noise do you make when you jack off red band? You should hear him breathing throughout an episode. It's absolutely incredible that it doesn't sneak into every episode every second, but I get the amazing pleasure of hearing it out of my left ear for 12 years now, everybody. And now it's great. Mike, I would love to have you back on the secret show this week. Wow, look at that. Look at that. And you already have a big joke bug. Yeah, I do. Okay, well, awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Mike Ryan, everybody. And that is indeed your final bucket poll of the night. How much fun have we had? Talk space prize picks. And to covas bring you this episode. And now it is down to one. And if you ask me, I mean, what a time. We had three black songwriters to start. How much fun did we have with a little hit called Bags and Boxes? We met Johnny. Johnny the teacher from Lansing. Kansai Yasuda. Celia Contrera. Joe Ellis. A full blown Blackhawk helicopter pilot. Six foot seven woman, Badass Sancho Pancho Villa. Keith Ray, Mike Ryan. And now there's only one person, if you ask me, that can end an episode like this. And it is the man with the all time most appearances. Yeah. The most interviews ever in the history of of the show. The first ever living member of the kil Tony hall of Fame. Here to increase his monopolized record. This is the vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler the taco's tycoon, the prize picks prince and the top space tyrant. This is the big Red machine, William Montgomery. Hello, my name is William Montgomery and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule. It was a long break, Tony. Okay, I like the name Thurston. First of all, sounds rich. Second of all, he a thot. Lately in the mirror, I've been practicing battle rapping. People I'll probably never beat. Like I've got a new brand new daughter Restless in bed. To help her fall asleep, I read the lyrics to write Said Fred. That's actually me. If I was battle rapping, write Said Fred. It was a long break, Tony. Okay, this is sad. An Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee playing polo. I didn't even know bees played polo. Okay, Tony. That's my time. William. Lights out, my Montgomery. The taco's tycoon, the talk space tyrant, the prince of prize picks has joined us again, rubbing his eye. This is a new thing. We've never seen this before. We've never seen him rub his eyes like this. I developed this very nervous tick ever since I found out about my carotid artery being clogged up. Tony, you have a clogged carotid artery? I'm on statins now. You're on a medicine for it. I'm on statins and it makes me rub on my eye. I don't know if it's the statins. I don't know if it's just a nervous tick. But be careful, Red Band. You really need to be careful because I feel like I've. I've already rode almost 750 miles this year, and I have in my carotid artery, so. Red Bean, you really do. I think Celia was right. I get checked every week, blood tested every six weeks, so. You get checked every week? I mean, I get have. I go to a doctor every week and I get blood tested every six months. Is it. What is Dr. Pepper? What the fuck are we talking about right now? Who goes to a doctor every week? That should tell you how unhealthy you are if you have to go to the doctor every week. People with cancer go, like, every two or three months. Jesus. When an alcoholic's like, I drink every day and I'm fine. What are you talking about? Dr. Liver King tells me I'm okay. Oh, my goodness. I think it's pronounced Burger King Redban. Okay, Redband. No, see, I visit Red Band's mom every week, but I didn't really have time to say that. And it was weird. Red Band actually was with Liver King this past week when he was plotting against Rogan. So I think people need to know that. Red Band was the one telling his ass to go after Rogan. So I think people need to know that. What an amazing. That came from Red Band. Liver King was staying at Red Band's place. He was not staying at the Four Seasons. Wow. That was not the Four Seasons. That was Red Band's downtown penthouse. Seriously, Red Band, you need to stop around with that guy. He got thrown in prison, dude. Wow. Misunderstood guy, man. Wow. Absolutely. He's an innocent guy. Is that what you just said, Misunderstood? He's. Oh. So, William, Absolutely. Absolutely. Incredible set, as always. Tell us more about what's been going on with you lately other than the carotid artery, which is clogged. Clogged. I have a 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years. And I don't even know what 200% means. What does that mean? I only have five years to live. I don't know what that means. They said you have a 200. 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, Tony. So I'm. I'm really at a weird place right now. I don't know what to do, Tony. That's. We just had the break or whatever. I've been chilling. I've been doing my puzzles, and I've just been relaxing, doing the row machine because it's like, I'm really. I'm probably gonna die soon. I'd lay off that row machine if your heart's fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. I would not exercise or do anything physical at all. Yeah. Joe derosa giving great advice. I mean, really, it's just incredible. The amazing medical panel here that I've booked on Kill Tony. The man's a ticking time bomb, and he's doing a row machine. It's not a good idea. I'll die on the row machine, dumbass. And I'll be happy. I'll die happy on the row machine. Oh, there. Whoa. Tony. I don't even know if I can yell anymore. That just made me lightheaded. These. You're so red right now. Stop. This is a step. Statin talking right now. This is statin talking right now. Wow. So have you felt side effects of the medicine? Yeah. Tell us about them. Oh. What happened? Oh, my gosh. Well, my eyes are itchy. My freaking side effects with will. My toes are going numb, which actually, last time my toes Were going numb was when it was when I was doing a bunch of cocaine. So that's weird. My toes are going numb, eyes are itching my belly button. I cannot feel inside of it anymore. Ooh. Cuz I love. People don't know this, but I love to put my little, little finger in my belly button when I'm trying to go to sleep. And it cuz it would hurt. But now I don't even feel this. Oh, it's deep. Yeah, I got a deep belly button. There's an indentation on your shirt where your belly button is. Look at that. Yeah. This is what the trans woman looks like. Oh my God. See? Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah, it looks like my belly button. It's like nasty and. But yeah, it's been. That doesn't feel like anything. I'm not gonna bring up the doo dooing thing because my father immediately messages me on Monday nights and says, you need to stop talking about that. But there's something going on with that. That there's something going on with that. But I'm working it out. But there's something going on. Your dad and I are friends. We have a relationship. We communicate. And I'm going to override your father. We want to know what's going on with your doo doo situation. Really? Yeah. You really care. I normally hate it when you talk about it as well, but for some reason I'm curious. I'm still just not. It's like every other day. You're constipated. Yes. And what are you doing to fight this constipation? Prune juice. It's just a bunch of prune juice. But what up? Okay. Red. Red band squeezed his fart noise in there, everybody. That's also what his mom pussy sounded like last night. Wow. William, lights out. More one tonight, Tony. What do you love about it, huh? Oh. What do you love about Monday nights? Being here, being around friends. Wow. Being around friends. Being around family. Being around all these nice people who always come to the shows. Being around trans people. I actually got her fucking number. Wow. When she left, I made it a point to go from the green room back there to get her number. So going to be doing that later and just living life, Tony. Trying to have fun. Going down to Mexico. Bought Xanax bars in Mexico a couple nights ago. Very nice to sell them here. Oh, you're selling Xanax? Yeah. Selling Xanax again. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. But it's been so much fun, Tony. And I'm going to die one of these days. And just know that I love, love you. I love all of y'. All. It's been a lot of fun. And, you know, until that day comes, I'm gonna give it my all. We're gonna see how long I can keep on going. But it starts getting weird because you start thinking, ah, your, your. Your carotid artery has a bunch of plaque in it. A 200% chance of death in the next 10 years. So it starts getting weird. It is weird, but death is natural. You know, my grandma lived to be 100 years old. And I remember the last thing that she. That she left me. When she left me, she left me with bags and boxes. She left me. How about one more time for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, We've done it again. We absolutely did it again. One more time for the great Joe Derosa. Joe Derosa comedy on YouTube. The new special out July 2091. Tim Butterly. The Tim Butterly show. Metal girl. Solid. How loud can this place get? One more time for Joe derosa and Tim Butterly. Talk space Prize picks tacovas d Madness. Michael Gonzalez, John Nees, Matt Muling, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo and Carlos Sosa. Bags and boxes. She left me. I may have just killed a woman. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Love you. J the sunset strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday day. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets SA the Platinum Card's 5 times Membership Rewards points on flights got us to paradise with special access to unforgettable experiences and late hotel checkouts. 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