#730 - IAN FIDANCE + DUNCAN TRUSSELL

Summary

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Kill Tony #730 – Ian Fidance + Duncan Trussell

Date: August 5, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe (with Brian Redban)
Guests: Ian Fidance, Duncan Trussell

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony marks its first-ever taping as the official "#1 podcast in the world," delivering an especially high-energy, unpredictable night at the Comedy Mothership. Co-host Tony Hinchcliffe welcomes returning fan-favorite guests Duncan Trussell and Ian Fidance. The show kicks off with a celebratory tone, playful jabs at late-night TV, and quickly turns to its signature format: comedians pulling their names out of the bucket to perform a one-minute set, followed by unsparing interviews and wild riffing from the hosts and guests. Tonight features absurd onstage antics, raw stories from comics (and their grandmas), an unexpected golden ticket winner, absurd confessions, and several moments bordering on the surreal—all climaxing with a rare in-depth post-show segment with regular William Montgomery.

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Key Segments and Highlights

1. Show Opening & Introductions (00:44–06:48)

• Celebration: Tony and Redban announce Kill Tony's status as the world’s #1 podcast for the first time (02:40).
  • “This is the first time in our history…we are actually the number one podcast in the world.” – Tony (02:40)
• Guest Introductions: Duncan Trussell and Ian Fidance are reintroduced. Duncan is called Tony's "first-ever favorite comedian" (04:18).
• Running Jokes: Early ribbing at the expense of talk show hosts losing their jobs, with Tony crowning himself the "new young king" of late night (04:08).

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2. Featured Stand-Up Sets & Interviews

a. Heath Cortez – Comedy, Confessions, and Chaos (07:31–20:15)

• Set: Jokes about living with his grandma spiral into wild references (07:57).
• Interview: Reveals none of his set is true; deep-dive into his real life, work at the Mothership, excessive drinking, recent blackout/pissing himself in a Waymo, and a story of a recent threesome with two women of dubious memory.
  • “I drink gay.” – Heath (14:29)
  • “Are you drunk right now, Heath?” – Tony (13:55)
  • “I had a threesome.” – Heath drops bombshell (15:29)
  • “You’re gonna get sex trafficked, man.” – Duncan (18:13)
• Notable: Absurd, relentless roasting about Heath’s drinking, sexual exploits, persona.

b. Tony Pepperoni – Commitment to Character (20:43–28:11)

• Set: Italian caricature jokes, prop use (chef’s hat, mustache, pepperoni shirt), rapid-fire one-liners mixing puns, racism, and wordplay (20:56).
  • “Hey, what’s a fat lady’s favorite computer? Adele. Mamma mia.” – Tony Pepperoni (21:15)
• Interview: Five years doing standup, three as Tony Pepperoni. Unemployed, selling zero Tony Pepperoni t-shirts, raps on stage on request.
  • “That is one of the most prolific raps in the history of the show.” – Redban (26:18)

c. Ian Simon – “Damaged Goods” (29:11–33:19)

• Set: Disjointed, covering being a “German Jew,” ADHD, animal bits, Chick-fil-A references.
• Interview: Explains disability, run-ins with the law, car accidents, refers to himself as "borderline retarded" (31:37).
  • “I wish it was something cool like Tourette’s…but I’m just borderline retarded.” – Ian Simon (31:37)
• Notable: Gets a silver crutch as a callback to his last appearance, provides an awkward, roving interview.

d. Mark Fitz – From Prison to the Stage (33:56–48:09)

• Set: Wild, blue jokes about “old transvestites,” scrotum skin, parade float punchlines (33:56).
  • “What do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy scrotum skin?”
• Interview: 63 years old, 44 years since last (Carlin-copied) performance, history of crime spanning from larceny at age 7 to a 10-year stint in federal prison after robbing a grocery store. Outlandish tales of crime, prison riots, and a strange offer to help regular Ari get citizenship paperwork (detailed on a video tablet).
  • “I spent a bunch of time in and out of jail and prisons…Ten years straight in a maximum security prison.” – Mark Fitz (41:00)
  • “I did 17 years all together…” (41:26)
  • “I robbed the safe in the grocery store.” (42:23)
• Memorable: Extended, fascinating interview about crime and redemption. Comic is both roasted and lauded.

e. Jimmy Copteros – Accidental Porn Dad, Cancer Survivor (50:15–58:06)

• Set: Story about son discovering porn on his phone and hilariously confronting dad’s sexuality (50:15).
  • “Dad, it’s totally okay if you’re gay.” – Jimmy’s son (51:26)
• Interview: Owned a junk removal biz, three years cancer-free after a harrowing diagnosis. Set is partly true, partly fabricated for laughs; Tony encourages focusing on his naturally funny persona.

f. Hans Kim – The Returning Regular (Pregnant Lady Seizure Story) (59:01–68:39)

• Set: Jokes about Texans, guns, gun culture, and long-range shooting (59:01).
• Interview: Tony shares Hans’ real-life blunder: missing a high-paying gig in Canada due to forgetting his passport, and instead performing in Appleton, WI, where a pregnant lady had a seizure during his set (64:02).
  • “For 15 minutes…as much as a teacher makes in a year!” – Tony about the missed paycheck (62:03)
  • “A pregnant lady had a seizure during your set?” – Tony (64:08)
  • “She was seizin’ up...that’s something that women do when they’re pregnant.” – Hans (64:27)
• Other: Discusses prepping, owning a bulletproof vest, SHTF scenarios, and 'walkie talkie' friendship with Redban.
• Memorable: Hans gets compared to a mass shooter and endures jokes about his emotional range and unusual honesty.

g. Chris Celio – Blind Comic, Golden Ticket Winner! (69:14–80:52)

• Set: Self-deprecating jokes about going blind at 18 and jerking off with a roommate (69:23).
  • “All I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games. And then God was like, that’s enough.” – Chris Celio (70:04)
• Interview: Lost both eyes from random injuries and retinal detachments. Still sees in dreams, but not on psychedelics. Describes dating as a blind comic, attending music festivals, and being on Kill Tony as a long-held dream fulfilled.
  • “When I went blind, I was just sitting at home in the dark listening to Kill Tony.” (78:14)
• Memorable Moment: Chris awarded a coveted ‘golden ticket’ (79:27), becomes the newest show regular to rousing standing ovation.
  • “You are indeed the newest golden ticket winner.” – Tony (79:27)
  • “Amazing, man. Thank you so much, dude.” – Chris (80:16)

h. Keegan Carmichael – Accidental Mitch Hedberg Clone (81:31–88:39)

• Set & Style: One-liners delivered in uncanny imitation of Mitch Hedberg.
• Interview: Insists his style is natural, though is criticized for doing a ‘Hedberg impression’ (83:04). Claims Demetri Martin is his favorite comedian, works DoorDash on an e-bike, and owns a “cast iron pan.”
• Hosts' Response: Good jokes, but panel openly says it is “blasphemous” and that he should develop his own style (88:48).

i. Mike Gleason – Tesla Tales & Worker’s Comp (89:40–96:57)

• Set: Jokes about bad teeth, Chicago dating, Waymo driverless cars.
• Interview: Reveals he recently moved to Austin, worked for Tesla as a solar roofer, suffered workplace violence, received a settlement, and is now living in a trailer. Has a “messed up hand” due to botched surgery.
• Memorable: Hosts joke repeatedly about his bad luck in work and love, and his claim that “pregnant chicks hate me.”

j. Derek Spady – Claymation, Kroger, Plants (97:21–104:17)

• Set: Jokes about ex’s names in bed, adoption, killing houseplants, and “Plant Parenthood.”
• Interview: Portland comic, five years experience, discusses working at Kroger, winning film fests for claymation, and having a girlfriend who manages “the cosmetic aisle.”
  • “I kill so many houseplants, I call my home Plant Parenthood.” – Derek (97:41)

k. Trent Richards – Munchhausen by Proxy/Delivery Hijinks (104:51–110:53)

• Set: Long-winded Gypsy Rose hoax setup, punchline about 'munchhausen by proxy' as “eating pussy from the back.”
• Interview: Grocery delivery for H.E.B., tells bizarre stories about delivering to naked clients, including a nude trans woman.
  • “I had a tranny open the door one time with no clothes on.” – Trent (110:05)
• Guests’ suggestions: Duncan asks for dramatic Civil War soundtrack to accompany his story for added (unintentional) comedic effect.

l. Mars Martian – Chronic No-Fap/No Laugh (111:20–114:39)

• Set: Extended riff on masturbation, “breaking a no-fap streak,” drawing groans.
• Interview: Two years into comedy, lives off savings and “art” but struggles to connect with the room. Panel roasts him relentlessly, with racist jokes about Donkey Kong and being called out for non-answers.

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3. Notable Segments & Quotes

• Heath Cortez admits to pissing himself in a Waymo after blacking out (12:08):
  “My pants were very wet the next morning.” – Heath
• Chris Celio’s Golden Ticket Moment (79:27):
  “You are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
• Mark Fitz recounts robbing a grocery store and spending 10 years in prison (41:00–43:41)
• Hans Kim’s honest confession about screwing up a major gig by forgetting his passport (61:07)
• The cast debates H.E.B. vs. Kroger passionately (98:44, 99:31)
  “We like to say: you down with H.E.B.? Yeah, you know me.” – Tony
• Panel calls out Keegan for copying Mitch Hedberg (83:04–88:59)
• Duncan Trussell: “This has gone from an interview to evidence.” – On Hans Kim acquiring a bulletproof vest (65:55)

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4. Show Finale: William Montgomery Encore & Post-Show Banter (115:47–127:09)

• William Montgomery’s Set: Signature rapid-fire absurdist lines, e.g.,
  “So they announced there was no Epstein list and for some reason Redban started crying tears of joy…”
• Behind-the-Scenes Stories: William and Tony share travel mishaps, the chaos of sharing rooms, and sleeping arrangements in Canada.
• Flex-Off: Band member Matt shows off “Matt Muscles Muling.”
• Heaven/Hell Skit: William role-plays meeting God and then the Devil, riffing on his prayers and H.E.B. opinions in purgatory.
• Show Closer: Tony thanks guests, plugs upcoming dates (Madison Square Garden, etc.), and lauds the band and regulars.

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Memorable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• “This is the first time in our history…we are actually the number one podcast in the world.” – Tony (02:40)
• “I drink gay.” – Heath (14:29)
• “You are indeed the newest golden ticket winner.” – Tony (79:27)
• “What do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy scrotum skin?” – Mark Fitz (33:56)
• “She was seizin’ up...that’s something that women do when they’re pregnant.” – Hans Kim (64:27)
• “This has gone from an interview to evidence.” – D Madness to Hans Kim (65:55)
• “More like Louis can’t see K.” – Tony Hinchcliffe to Chris Celio (72:01)
• “We like to say: you down with H.E.B.? Yeah, you know me.” – Tony (99:54)
• “This is a giant mistake. Please get me up out of here…” – William Montgomery, as himself in hell (126:27)

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Recurring Themes & Tone

• Absurdity and Roasting: Relentless ribbing—especially about personal failings (alcohol, crime, sexuality, work, disability) but the mood stays playful, not mean-spirited.
• Honesty as Comedy: Standout moments occur when comics (Hans, Chris Celio, Mark Fitz) lay their real stories or failures bare, in sharp contrast to more contrived sets.
• Meta-Level Joking: Several segments turn the comedy/interview format on its head—be it calling out copycat comics, playing up musical underscoring, roasting the very format of the show, or making fun of themselves for loving mundane topics (grocery stores).
• Raw, Unpredictable Energy: The room bounces from chaotic, confessional stories to random musical bits, off-the-cuff callouts, and heartfelt moments (esp. Chris Celio’s win).

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Time Start | Highlight | |-------------------------------|------------|-----------------------------------------| | Opening, Announcements | 00:44 | Celebration of #1 podcast status | | Guests Intro & Setup | 03:22 | Duncan & Ian return | | Heath Cortez Set & Interview | 07:31 | Drinking, Waymo, Threesome | | Tony Pepperoni Segment | 20:43 | Italian character, live rapping | | Ian Simon Segment | 29:11 | Disability, awkward banter | | Mark Fitz Set & Interview | 33:56 | Life of crime, prison stories | | Jimmy Copteros | 50:15 | Son, porn, cancer, blue-collar stories | | Hans Kim (Feature + Interview) | 59:01 | Missed gig/confession/pregnant seizure | | Chris Celio Golden Ticket | 69:14 | Blind comic, standing ovation moment | | Keegan Carmichael – Hedberg | 81:31 | Hedberg impression called out | | Mike Gleason | 89:40 | Tesla injuries, settlement, hand | | Derek Spady | 97:21 | Adoption, plants, claymation, Kroger | | Trent Richards | 104:51 | Munchausen bit, grocery delivery tales | | Mars Martian | 111:20 | No Fap/No Laugh, roasted heavily | | William Montgomery Encore | 115:47 | Headliner, travel tales, "hell skit" |

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Final Thoughts

This Kill Tony episode delivers riotous unpredictability, brilliant roasting, revealing honesty, and new legends born from the bucket. From wild tales of prison and sexcapades to heartfelt wins for underdogs, punctuated by rapid-fire absurdity, this installment captures why live comics—and comedy fans—flock to the Mothership every Monday. Duncan Trussell and Ian Fidance’s riffing amplify the chaos, while regulars and first-timers keep the momentum wild. An essential, high-energy entry for both diehard fans and Kill Tony newcomers.

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Transcript

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening

[Mike Gleason]

to the Death Squad podcast network.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found

[Mike Gleason]

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and

[Duncan Trussell]

anywhere you get podcasts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redman coming to you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Ian Simon]

Give it up for Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Hence, Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nachos Belgrande.

[Brian Redban]

Huevos Rancheros. And the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. They call him Big Mike. Some people are saying that he grows inches every week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt Muhling on the electric guitar.

[Brian Redban]

John Dees on the keys. And live in the flesh, let him hear you. The one and only D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace. Open phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And to covas, we have a bunch of other amazing sponsors as well. Here's a little bit more from them right now. Are you guys really ready to start tonight's show?

[Brian Redban]

I'm telling you, it's about to go down every single week and we're really doing it. Red Band. Oh, I forgot to mention, this is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the first episode that we've ever taped. 12 years and 2 months of doing this show non stop, never missed a Monday release. This is the first time in our history right now, and it might only last one week in which we are

[Brian Redban]

actually the number one podcast in the world. So very exciting. A wild, wild accomplishment. Don't tell the guy that owns the club, but this week we are the number one podcast. Oopsie daisy. Sorry, boss.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're all best friends. It's all very exciting.

[Brian Redban]

Speaking of best friends, I booked two on tonight's show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An absolute legendary episode ahead of us. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best

[Brian Redban]

to ever be on this show. You're here. You're lucky. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for our guests. The return of Duncan Trussell and Ian Finance. Yeah, Ian Finance,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Duncan Trussell.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah. It's going down. It is going it down. We have fun every Monday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys have done this show before. Very Exciting. Here we are absolutely thriving in showbiz. Unlike Stephen Colbert, who no longer is employed.

[Brian Redban]

Jimmy Kimmel is next. They will all fall in line and bend the knee to me, the new young king. And my guests are Ian Finance and Duncan Trussell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This week, Duncan was my first ever favorite comedian in the world live. 18 years ago, I saw him for the first time at the Comedy Store. Special appearance at the end by the great. Another hall of fame nominee guest, Lil Hobo. Yeah. Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thank you. Yeah, Lil Hobo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's he been?

[Duncan Trussell]

Not great, man. You know, he. After the last appearance here. Yeah, you know, he's already addicted to drugs, but after the last appearance, he'd split, spiraled into heroin addiction, spent some time on the streets, and, yeah, he was just in, like, a really horrible Waymo accident. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, prayers up to the great little hobo.

[Duncan Trussell]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A ventriloquist doll that has the soul of an aborted baby in his heart. Right.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, man, I just have to say this. Like, when somebody is in a deep, deep drug spiral, they say things like that.

[Derek Spady]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And, yeah, he did claim to have an aborted fetus in his heart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And hell, Satan. Ian Finance also here. Hi, welcome. Duncan Trussell is going to Australia, Columbus and Orlando. Duncan trussell.com and finance on Tori and finance.com and he's on social media. I A I A N I M A L 69.

[Brian Redban]

Good luck rewinding that and following him on Instagram.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Animal I Animal 69. He's going to Chicago, Oxnard and. What the did I write, Irvine? That's what it says. Hi, Ann.

[D Madness]

Hi.

[Derek Spady]

Welcome back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks. You guys have both been on the show multiple times. You know how it works. Over 300, I do believe right around there, people signed up. True. Truly insane. The amount of humans that are in this bucket, it's absolutely crazy. Names are falling out. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview with them. We find out everything about them. They go from being a comedian for a minute to a guest on a podcast. Absolutely out of nowhere, anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

[Brian Redban]

I'm going to let one of these great Puerto Rican boys pull out the first name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. A true the brown hand of A man.

[Brian Redban]

That's a funny looking name. We'll see if that's a real human.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And in the meanwhile, we are going to start the show with one of our estates. Esteemed golden ticket winners, ladies and gentlemen. We don't get to see a lot of this guy very often because it's not easy to write a new minute of comedy every week. He was very, very new and green when we found him, and. And here he is giving us a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, a fan favorite, an adorable species unlike anything we've ever seen before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for

[Brian Redban]

the return of golden ticket winner, Heath Cord. Is everybody. Here we go.

[Mark Fitz]

Oh.

[Heath Cortez]

Oh. I moved to Texas about two years ago, and before I moved here, I was. I was living with my grandma, and I liked living with my grandma a whole lot. But I had to move out. It was time. I had to move out because, you know, me and grandma, we would fight. Me and grandma, we would tussle, you know, like she was a baker. She liked to bake, like, cookies and cake and brownies and everything that was good. And I liked it a whole lot. And I would eat it up too fast, and she would tell me how it pissed her off, and she would say, stop doing that. It pisses me off. And I tried. I tried to control myself, but I didn't have any self control. And she knew that. She knew I didn't have self control, but she still made the sweets. She was like a pimp feeding crack to her bitch. I'd have to beg for cookies and beg. I'd say, please, please. She say, shut up. No, I didn't do that. I didn't. It's just a joke. She's a homophobe. I didn't suck her penis. She's a. All right, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Brian Redban]

Heathcort is very interesting set. A lot to unpack there. Yeah, a lot to unpack. What do you think a homophobe is?

[Heath Cortez]

No, my grandma, she was one of the first transgenders. You know, she. She. She has a penis, but she's a homophobic grandmother with a penis.

[Brian Redban]

Heath.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're out of your fucking mind, little guy.

[Duncan Trussell]

Out of his mind. That's exactly my favorite genre of porn.

[D Madness]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old grandma tussling.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, homophobic grandma with a penis.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah, I love that.

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah, my grandma, she has a site. I'll give you her website.

[Duncan Trussell]

Great.

[Heath Cortez]

It's a. It's a porn website for you to jerk off to.

[D Madness]

What?

[Duncan Trussell]

Dude, I already jerked off to your grandma under the table. I am Hard as a rock, though. That is. It's rare comedians can mix eroticism with such great jokes.

[D Madness]

What the fuck is real?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, I don't know. I'm a little confused. Just to make sure your grandma doesn't

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

have a dick, right?

[Heath Cortez]

No, she doesn't have a dick. It's a joke. I'm sorry, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you guys ever fight?

[Heath Cortez]

No, we didn't fight too much.

[Brian Redban]

Did she bake at all?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was anything real, Heath?

[Heath Cortez]

No.

[William Montgomery]

Did you even like cookies?

[Heath Cortez]

Well, I loved her cookies. I loved her cookies, Ian. I loved her cookies. That wasn't the thing. She did make me feel guilty for eating the cookies. And that's where the art came from, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Heath, let's talk about real life for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a little bit of a rock star around these parts, right? You work at the Mothership, like five nights a week east, and you're always around. You're doing shows all around town. Everybody knows Heath Cordis, the little legend.

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah, it's fun on 6th Street. It makes me feel pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Speaking of which, I was given a little bit of information that you might not know that I know.

[Heath Cortez]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I was shown. I was shown video, I believe it was Saturday night. Breaking news,

[Brian Redban]

breaking news.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was shown a little video on Saturday night. And someone said to me, one of the managers here goes, ooh, you know about your boy. Uhoh. And I go, no. And which boy? And they go, little Heath, the boy, the boy. The true boy.

[Brian Redban]

The one true youngling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they showed me video of them carrying you and throwing you in the back seat of an Uber, because what happened there, Heath? Tell us exactly what went down.

[Heath Cortez]

I got pretty drunk. I got pretty drunk and I thought I went home. I remember the Waymo trip. And I thought that I went directly home, but apparently I went to Mitzi's in between. And I got carried out of Mitzi's by a security guy and I pissed myself in the Waymo.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Wow. That's way more than we needed to know.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know that you pissed yourself in the way mouth?

[Heath Cortez]

Because my pants were very wet the next morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The next morning they were still wet.

[Heath Cortez]

Look, they were very wet.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, naughty little boy. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you. How much do you have to drink to get that drunk? What is that, a full can of beer or something? What puts you in that type of place?

[Heath Cortez]

No, I'm getting good. I'm getting good at it. Like it was at least eight or nine drinks that night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, he What's going on with you, buddy? Do you feel okay? You're just having fun? You're 20. What, two now?

[Heath Cortez]

I've never felt better. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Look at you, you fucking little party machine. How old are you?

[Heath Cortez]

I'm 23. I just had my birthday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

23. Don't look a day over 11. It's incredible. And you've been drinking a lot. Like that? Or was that, like, a special thing?

[Heath Cortez]

It happens a little too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do you think about that? What are we thinking? You think you might have a little problem?

[Heath Cortez]

Might have a little problem. A little problem for a little gu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's adorable.

[Heath Cortez]

Come on.

[Brian Redban]

That's adorable. Who needs grandma's cookies when you can have a glass of straight whiskey? Amen.

[D Madness]

He's not gonna go through the 12 steps. I'll go through the 12 stools.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you drunk right now, Heath?

[Heath Cortez]

I'm a little buzzed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you been drinking?

[Brian Redban]

What is going on over here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone put a little white claw in your baba. Yeah, someone put a little dip your pacifier in some whiskey.

[Heath Cortez]

They did. Yeah, I know. If they did whiskey, I'd throw up. I can't do whiskey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course.

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah. I just do Jello shots.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. No, seriously, what do you really drink?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, that night that you pissed yourself

[Brian Redban]

in a waymo, what did you really drink?

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah, like, lemon drops and gay shit. Like when. Jello shots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Heath Cortez]

I don't think I'm gay, but, like, I drink gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's okay. It's okay. Nothing wrong with that.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, Heath. Well, I mean, it's. I love it. You know, me and all my friends, we all grew up at the Comedy Store, you know, it was our college experience. And it's fun to get to watch you go through. Look at you hitting a vape pen

[Brian Redban]

up here like you can't. Like, I'm not about to send you off. He's just gotta show off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Fitz]

I'm a real.

[Brian Redban]

I'm a real boy. Just a vaping boy. Can't wait 15 more seconds for that hot hit of vape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[Mark Fitz]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry.

[Brian Redban]

But we love you, Heath. It's so fun to watch you grow physically and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

mentally here at the mothership.

[Brian Redban]

We love you, you young buck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're on your way to wild success.

[Heath Cortez]

Can I champion one thing on the show real quick, please?

[Brian Redban]

Sure, Heath.

[Heath Cortez]

I had a threesome.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on a second. Hold your fucking horses. Now we got something to talk about. Now we got something to talk about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Brian Redban]

Black power. Absolutely holy. Whoa, whoa, Heath. Whoa, whoa. No, don't do that, Heath. Goddamn. Stop doing that, Heath. Don't do that, you little rabble rouser. Settle down, settle down, you crazy bastard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Brian Redban]

Trying to get away from the whole Nazi thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it.

[Ian Simon]

Fascist.

[Brian Redban]

Tony Hinchcliffe has 11 year old Nazi training the Hitler Youth over here.

[D Madness]

He looks like the kind of genetic freak Hitler was trying to get rid of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Brian Redban]

Let's talk about this threesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or as many people are calling it already a two and a half some.

[Brian Redban]

What happened?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did it go down?

[Brian Redban]

Let's talk about it, Heath.

[Heath Cortez]

It was a very hot lady who had an only fans account. And I made out with her like a year ago. And I wasn't supposed to do that because I was dating somebody at the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Heath Cortez]

And so like ever since, she's been like totally hot for me, you know, and didn't work. I was going to put on a mustache, but it didn't work.

[D Madness]

You can have mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could pick it up. Pick it up. Heath, you have another shot at this. I don't know what you're doing, but. Okay. Did the adhesive stay on the other side of it? Okay, let's skip the mustache. Let's get back to the threesome.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you just real quick, just for my own super confusion, why were you gonna put on a mustache there?

[Heath Cortez]

It was supposed to be like a metaphor about how I'm a man now.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, okay. Well, God has his own very funny sense of humor. God's like not.

[Chris Celio]

No way, bitch.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Brian Redban]

Flag on the play.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so let's talk about this threesome.

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah, so it happened. It was with a very hot lady and we met at the strip club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, Heath, let me tell you. We got the hot lady part. For it to be a threesome, there has to be one more.

[Heath Cortez]

There was another one. It was her friend. I don't remember her name. I don't know her name at all. It was just her friend.

[Duncan Trussell]

Dude, you're gonna get sex traffic, man.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Duncan Trussell]

Serious. You can't around, dude.

[Brian Redban]

There's no one easier to traffic than somebody you can fit in your glove compartment.

[Duncan Trussell]

You gotta be careful.

[Heath Cortez]

I know. I gotta be more careful. Thank you, Duncan.

[D Madness]

His threesome was just him and a Baby Bjorn while two people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Heath, take us through it. How does it go down? You're at a strip club. Is that what you said?

[Heath Cortez]

I met her at the strip club. Yeah. And then we went to her place and I don't remember a whole lot of it. But I do remember that both of them did stuff to my penis.

[D Madness]

You were molested?

[Brian Redban]

This is. This is what. This is what a show this is, right? One second he's doing Nazi salutes, the next he's admitting to being molested.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All to start the show. So you just. That's your. That's what you remember?

[Heath Cortez]

That's what I remember. Tony, do you remember.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you remember anything else? Were your pants wet the next morning?

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah, they were a little wet. Yeah, they were a little wet.

[Brian Redban]

Did they film it?

[Chris Celio]

You said it was only fans.

[Heath Cortez]

I sure hope they didn't film it, but.

[Brian Redban]

Oh my God. Her only fans. Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope. Any other details about it that you remember?

[Heath Cortez]

No. Did they mess you feeling shame? The next day you felt shame? Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Imagine how they felt. What the did we do last night?

[Chris Celio]

They felt nothing.

[Brian Redban]

Just rare stripper guilt. The rare sg. All right, the show has begun under the unbelievable control of Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen.

[Duncan Trussell]

Great job.

[Brian Redban]

And now we go to the bucket. You guys know this is the part where things can get a little bit wacky. Cuz we're meeting people. Anything can happen. A lot of these people, people's hearts are beating out of their chest because minutes before they have no idea that they're going up. And all of a sudden now they're on the biggest comedy show in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This looks like a fake name, but I'm going to read it anyway.

[Brian Redban]

We're going to see what happens here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of.

[Brian Redban]

The name goes by Tony Pepperoni. Oh my God, it's Tony pepperoni.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Hey, it's a mia. Tony Pepperoni. Hey, what do you call it when the right brothers do 9, 11? The wrong brothers and Mamma mia. When I say mamma mia, you say papa mia. Mamma mia.

[Brian Redban]

Papa mia.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Hey, what's a fat lady's favorite computer? Adele. Mamma mia. Hey guys, anxiety is like vaping. Just because you're not ashamed of it doesn't mean it's not gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Say some racist jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tony Pepperoni]

What do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money? Cha Ching. What do you call Italian with herpes? Tony Pepperoni.

[Brian Redban]

Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

Welcome to the show, Tony pepperoni.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You absolutely destroyed. This is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've never had anything quite exactly like you on the show before. While your name is Tony pepperoni, you are also wearing a shirt covered in pepperonis. You took the approach that Heath should

[Brian Redban]

have taken to a fake mustache. Just gone straight ducked tape. None of this just regular padding over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And for some reason, why not? You're wearing a chef's hat that even chefs don't ever actually wear. It's just basically a costume. Tony Pepperoni, how long have you been doing standup?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Five years.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, wow, look at that. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been experimenting with the Tony Pepperoni character?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Three years.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years in, and you're like, I need to try something else. Did you notice an improvement when you made the big switch to Tony Pepperoni?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Huge improvement.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huge.

[Brian Redban]

People love Tony Pepperoni. Now where have you been doing this at?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you've lived here in Austin the whole time?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is where you're originally from?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. Amazing. So, Tony, Mr. Pepperoni, if I may, what do you do for work exactly?

[Tony Pepperoni]

I'm unemployed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the last job that you had?

[Tony Pepperoni]

I worked in tech.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was a tech bro up until when. How long? How long have you been unemployed for?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Eight months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight months. Holy shit. I mean, what's your plan, Tony Pepperoni?

[Tony Pepperoni]

I got to sell some T shirts. If anybody wants to go on my Instagram, I'm selling T shirts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are they Tony Pepperoni T shirts?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you're about to sell out. What's your Instagram?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Tony Pepperoni comedy.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Tony Pepperoni comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, support Tony Pepperoni. We love Tony's and we love Pepperonis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. How many T shirts have you sold up to this date?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Zero.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Amazing. We would expect nothing less, nothing more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the over [e-mail] using the promo code kill Tony. So let's talk about it. Tony, what do you do for fun?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Sometimes I make rap beats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, on a computer at home?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah, yeah, on a computer at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't do it with your mouth or anything?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Well, sometimes I. I rap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Pepperoni]

It's not good.

[Brian Redban]

I mean, guys, I mean, I don't care if you say it's not good. You're wearing a chef's hat. You have duct tape on your face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A pepperoni shirt, and you crushed your set. Michael, give us a little light beat.

[Brian Redban]

Tell them the beat that you want. Tony Pepperoni, a slow beat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, give me that spotlight.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yo. Put your hands in the air. Put your hands in the air. When I say mamma mia, you say a papa mia. Mamma mia, Mamma mia. Yo, see ya. I wouldn't want to be ya. Cause you ain't the one. The one that's wearing pizza. That's me, Tony. P, P, E, double P R ONI Ain't no phony, ain't no baloney it's cheese and pep Cheese and pepperoni Check my insta Buy a shirt and get to know me

[Brian Redban]

oh, wow. I'm getting reports in my ear that that is one of the most prolific raps in the history of the show. Some people are saying. They're also saying that you just said Pepperoni five times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's absolutely incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your real name?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Anthony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you really are a Tony.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Is there anything else crazy we should know about your life, Tony Pepperoni?

[Tony Pepperoni]

I used to work in the sewers.

[Brian Redban]

Used to work in the sewers?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely amazing. Red band on the ones and twos. No better time for a Italian stereotype

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

than Tony Pepperoni telling us that he worked in the sewers. What exactly did you do in the sewers?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Mostly I crawled in the sewers and I got all the big rocks out of the way.

[Ian Simon]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Amazing. Wow. That is incredible. Was there anything else that you did other than move big rocks out of the way in a sewer? Did you have any other responsibilities at all? I've never heard of an actual Italian doing anything like this in the past 150 years.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's that.

[Derek Spady]

We.

[Tony Pepperoni]

We had to inspect the sewer pipes with a camera. So I would lower the camera in and then pull it back out.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Derek Spady]

Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pulling out is exactly what you should

[Brian Redban]

be doing, Tony Pepperoni. But I'm going to tell you what. I loved your minute. I loved the interview. I loved everything about it. It's completely insane, but I like it. Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen, has started the show, started the bucket. And we have pure momentum going into bucket pool number two. Absolutely incredible. One more time for Tony Pepperoni, everyone. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Speaking of pepperonis, the lovely Heidi. How about a hand for Heidi, everyone? One of the backbones of our squad here. All right, we're having fun. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bucket poll goes by the name of Ian Simon, everyone. Ian Simon. Make some noise for Ian, everybody.

[Ian Simon]

How the is everybody doing? This is a great evening. Glad to be here, guys. Band amazing. All right, so let's start off on Jew. All right. I'm a German Jew, to be exact, so it's very confusing for me a lot. Sometimes I'm like, oh. The other times I'm like, see, Kyle? It's very. Hey, I could say it, guys. Anyway, here's one for you. What do you get when you cross A Jewish guy.

[Brian Redban]

Nothing.

[Ian Simon]

Christianity. Bring it back. Okay, so we have any animal lovers out here? Everybody loves animals. Got a fucking dog. Come on. You got a dog? Yeah. See? Dogs.

[Chris Celio]

Cat.

[Ian Simon]

You're good. So I got a black cat. Black rescue cat. I named her Toothless from How to Train a Dragon. And let's just say she had teeth when I found her. I really love me some black. Speaking of fried chicken, if this doesn't work out, well, I'm gonna open up a food truck because every time you want. Every time you want Chick Fil A, it's closed on a Sunday, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ian.

[Brian Redban]

Simon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Brian Redban]

Okay,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

stick with me over here. That's it. That's it, buddy. That's it. Your part's done. Hi, Ann. You've seen the show before, right?

[Ian Simon]

Not till the end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not till the end.

[Ian Simon]

Turn off before the end.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Ian Simon]

But, you know, see the bad guy die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Ian, Stick.

[Ian Simon]

Sticks are movies.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, Ian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Ian Simon]

ADHD is a hell of a drug, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, it doesn't work very well on this show. You're in the interview part now. Ian.

[Ian Simon]

I need my crutch. Before I forget. Harlan Williams gave me a crutch. A silver crutch. I'm sorry. I should be doing this, right? Are you supposed to be talking?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are correct.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somehow your instincts took over. There. Look at that. Amazing. Thank you, Ian. So you've been on the show once before, right?

[Ian Simon]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Harlan was the guest. What did we learn about you that night?

[Ian Simon]

That I'm damaged goods?

[Chris Celio]

Pretty much.

[Ian Simon]

But, you know, in a good way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What way? Can you explain? Can you remind us what we learned exactly?

[Ian Simon]

I probably shouldn't be out in public.

[Brian Redban]

Why?

[Ian Simon]

I wish it was something cool, like Tourette's or something like that. It's not. I'm just borderline retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ian Simon]

Like, not special needs. But the other retard, the one that used to. Before they switched it up and everything went sideways, you know, when you could just be like, that's retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That motherfucker's a.

[D Madness]

Can you please change your name to not Ian?

[Brian Redban]

Please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perhaps something. Perhaps something that rhymes with a pizza topping or something like that. There you go. Yeah.

[Ian Simon]

Diarrhea.

[D Madness]

Hey, killer yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Hey.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, Ian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Ian Simon]

About a year and a half, two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Ian Simon]

Nothing at the moment. Thank you for asking, though. We touched on it last time. I had disability for 20 years because I'm all fucked up and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How'd you get fucked up?

[Ian Simon]

It's been a Run of. Interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you just name some of the things?

[Mike Gleason]

Yeah,

[Ian Simon]

car accidents, adrenaline junkie crap. Just run the mill.

[Duncan Trussell]

Driving your car. Driving his car into protests.

[Ian Simon]

Yeah, I've been known to hit a protester, too, on the way to circle k or 7 11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Ian, we're going to keep it moving. You got a little joke book last time you were on?

[Ian Simon]

No, I didn't. I got a crutch.

[Brian Redban]

You got nothing.

[Chris Celio]

Crutch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got nothing last time.

[Ian Simon]

No, no, I got a silver crutch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could see why you got nothing last time.

[Ian Simon]

You know, I was in. I was in ER twice for my legs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Catch this crutch.

[Ian Simon]

Catch that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes.

[Brian Redban]

Ian Simon, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. Ian Simon, everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He.

[Brian Redban]

He's leaving now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Ian. There he goes.

[Brian Redban]

There goes Ian Simon, everybody. One more time for Ian, everyone. There he goes. Hell, yeah, there's a vibe tonight. Anything can happen on this show. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Yeah.

[Mark Fitz]

You know how transvestites do that thing where they tuck their dick in balls between their legs, make it look like they might have a. I was wondering, what do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy scrotum skin? My knees are shaking. Oh, that saggy scrotum skin hanging out. Someone told me they stuff it up her ass. What I heard, but I thought, I

[Mars Martian]

was high and I thought, what the

[Mark Fitz]

fuck would they do if they farted with that giant skin bag inside there? Blow a giant fucking balloon out their ass. Then I thought, well, what if they ate like a fuckload of beans and just put some E. Coli into it, man? They could work up a massive fucking fart. He could unwedge his fucking G string and take flight like a fucking hot air balloon, man. My legs are shaking. He could go on to be the next giant hairy scrotum floating. The next gay pride parade, man. Oh, that's something for an old trinity to put on his bucket list, ain't it? Short tag, quick and funny parade floats bust open. Sometimes, if that scrotum float was the bust open, that would rain down, come all over those like mana from the heavens of the great gods. Gay gods. Thank you. That's my time.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, Mark Fitz, welcome to the show. Mark, this is your first time on, correct?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I would remember if you've been on before and I. I loved seeing new faces up here and

[Brian Redban]

we like your style, Mark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What I do, you got the boys laughing. You got everybody laughing.

[Brian Redban]

You did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did.

[Brian Redban]

We are so relieved after the last comedian, believe it or not. Basically you're like after, after, after. Ian Simon. You're basically Richard fucking Pryor right now. We would have laughed at anything. And you did do the black face. Good enough. No, don't worry about it. Don't ruin it now, Mark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just play it cool.

[Brian Redban]

Wait until I ask you a question, Mark. Play it cool, Mark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing good.

[Brian Redban]

Duncan Trussell.

[Duncan Trussell]

I wasn't laughing at your jokes.

[Mark Fitz]

Thanks.

[Brian Redban]

Same.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was laughing because, like, the, the only funny part of that to me was when you kept saying, my legs are shaking.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Yeah.

[Mark Fitz]

When I did the scrotum thing, I looked down, my knees were okay then, but I went like this and my

[Duncan Trussell]

knees were like, see, See, that's real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Everything else is bull. You, I don't, I can't imagine that at some point you're like, I wonder what happens if an old transvestite.

[D Madness]

You think if they eat beans, they shit a fort.

[Brian Redban]

So let's talk about it. Mark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a very good command of the stage. You're calm, cool, collected. How old are you, Mark?

[Mark Fitz]

63.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Mark Fitz]

That's a loaded question. 44 years. But technically, technically, this is my first time on stage.

[Brian Redban]

All right, explain that to us.

[Mark Fitz]

The first time I ever actually did a stand up act was when I was in 11th grade. I was in this class, it was called a speech class. And every week you had to give a. It wasn't like how to talk, but it was like they gave you a speech class. They taught you every week how to present a. Like I do a presentation speech for something, you know, and the one week it was for doing a standup act. And I had two George Carlin albums. I had a, a Toledo Window Box and Class Clown. I had that memorized, man. Like first a Ever gotten George Carlin jokes?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Mark Fitz]

He looks plagiarized.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you did a Carlos Mencia impression. Very good.

[Mark Fitz]

Yeah. Actually thought about saying something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is your first time on stage since then, right here? You haven't done any open. Yeah, I've never been on no open mics. No nothing?

[Jimmy Copteros]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just decided to come here?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What made you do that kind of

[Mark Fitz]

a bucket list thing to be on Kill?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, how many weeks have you signed

[Mark Fitz]

up to do standup? But then I, I, I, it was to like, I was initially going to like, try to just do open mics and like do the three minute things, but do three one minutes and see which one's the best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1.

[Mark Fitz]

And hopefully get on here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure.

[Mark Fitz]

But that never happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Mark Fitz]

My first year, I came down to Austin, I had three different medical issues that caused me. Simple things, nothing big. But.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were they?

[Mark Fitz]

Knee operation to feed operations. And no, I don't have feet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like plantar fascia and an acl?

[Mark Fitz]

No, all my toes. And I had a broken.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened to your toes?

[Mark Fitz]

Kind of like a hammer toe. Shit. I had like a. Just had to correct it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Ian can heal you. He does this thing where he sucks on toes.

[Brian Redban]

That's okay.

[D Madness]

Give me them toenails while I do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long ago did you move to Austin?

[Mark Fitz]

About three years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. Three years ago. So when you were 60 years old, you moved to Austin. Where did you move from?

[Mark Fitz]

Pittsburgh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What were you doing in Pittsburgh? Working in the steel industry?

[Mark Fitz]

No, no, I, I, I've been doing, like, I used to do construction work, but I had some body. I had some injuries, and my body can't take it no more. So I just, I started doing, like, online merch stores and stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mark Fitz]

Trying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun? Shoot.

[Mark Fitz]

Pull.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Mark Fitz]

Few other things, Absolutely.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, Duncan, show us your feet.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, show us your feet. You don't want to do it. He's embarrassed. He doesn't want to show his feet. We're getting a heart.

[Mark Fitz]

There's nothing. It's not like king. Hands down. They look normal. It's just.

[Brian Redban]

They're just Amazing reference.

[Mark Fitz]

I just had my. My little toe was kind of curling over a little bit onto the side is all it was. And now they fixed it. Now it's straight, so it's like all you'd see is a little scar. So I'm not taking my sock and shoe off to show you. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So they made your toes.

[Mark Fitz]

Pay me later. I might. No.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the doctor made your toes straight?

[Mark Fitz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I'm gonna need to talk to this doctor.

[Brian Redban]

Anyway.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have any kids?

[Mark Fitz]

No, not that I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were just. Were you. You have a wife ever?

[Mark Fitz]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never married? Nah. You gay?

[Mark Fitz]

Come on.

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Star, right? Homophobe. What do you. What are you. What are you? Heath's grandmother? Okay,

[Brian Redban]

that actually makes sense because he's grandmother, homophobe and had a penis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Could be him.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, hell, him. He's a reference.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. But you've had girlfriends, of course. Yeah, of course. What's the longest relationship you ever had?

[Mark Fitz]

Few months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Few months.

[Brian Redban]

That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, how do these things end so fast with you? You're a handsome man. You look like you could be a former pro wrestler or something.

[Mark Fitz]

I used to be really big, but no, I, I was real wild as a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about that. What do you mean?

[Mark Fitz]

I kind of figured you would. Yeah, I like other people. I don't understand why people don't come prepared, of course with jokes, but also with. To talk about something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're literally. You have an opportunity to do what you're criticizing right now.

[Brian Redban]

You are in the moment being like. You know what's crazy is when people

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

don't even answer questions honestly.

[Brian Redban]

Go right ahead.

[Mark Fitz]

But I, I, I was a real bad wild kid. I, I started stealing when I was seven. I, that went all off into my adult, young adult life. I spent a bunch of time in and out of jail and prisons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the longest you ever spent in prison?

[Mark Fitz]

I did 17 years all together, but seven of it was busted up into a bunch of little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So why.

[Mark Fitz]

And I did 10 years straight in a maximum security prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. So what did you do to get the 10 year sentence?

[Mark Fitz]

Robbery and a handful of other.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you rob exactly us of our time?

[D Madness]

No, I, I'm so scared of you.

[Mark Fitz]

That's a good, that's a good thing.

[Brian Redban]

A real bandit out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old Curly toes strikes again.

[Brian Redban]

Ah, the curly toed bandit. I hooked them with my toe.

[Mark Fitz]

No, I, it was old Curly. Kind of hate talking about. I, I robbed the.

[Brian Redban]

You know what the 10 cent year federal sentence was for.

[Mark Fitz]

Yeah, I, Yeah, I just said I, I feel weird talking about. It was. Yeah, I mean it's long ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's over now. You're a great guy.

[Mark Fitz]

The safe in the grocery store.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You broke open a safe in a grocery store?

[Mark Fitz]

I went in while, while they were open for business and called for the manager and had him take me back in.

[Brian Redban]

There wasn't an heb.

[Jimmy Copteros]

No, no, no, no.

[Mark Fitz]

This is different states.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Giant Eagle.

[Brian Redban]

No, Kroger.

[Mark Fitz]

Different state.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it a Kroger?

[Mark Fitz]

It was one of. No, it was one. This wasn't in Pittsburgh. It was one. I don't even know the name of the grocery story. It wasn't a normal chance.

[Brian Redban]

You don't even know the name. Name of the grocery store that you robbed and got 10 years in federal prison for.

[Mark Fitz]

I think that's the last thing I should really concentrate on.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, but I mean you got 10 years in prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would have.

[Mark Fitz]

No, it was one of them. No name. It wasn't like a chain grocery store. It's one of them little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's slow it down. Just stick with Me and answer the questions honestly. Okay. So at what point did you get caught? Did you get money out of this safe?

[Mark Fitz]

Oh yeah, I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much did you get?

[Mark Fitz]

But then I got caught later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Answer the questions.

[Brian Redban]

I answer the questions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stick with me. Focus, focus.

[Brian Redban]

How much money did you get out of the safe on that day?

[Mark Fitz]

11,000. And I got away with it, but then I got caught later.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Mark Fitz]

That's what I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you get caught later? How long did you get away with it? How did they catch you?

[Mark Fitz]

When I ran out the door of the grocery store. And how they slide open but it's not fast enough because I'm wanting to leave real fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put the mic up to your mouth

[Mark Fitz]

and I. Oh, sorry. And I put my hand onto the door and pushed it shut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fingerprints.

[Mark Fitz]

I already had fingerprints on.

[Brian Redban]

Yes. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long did you get away with it for? Two months? One month? Three months?

[Mark Fitz]

Few months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How, how, what did you spend?

[Mark Fitz]

It's like about six, almost five. Six months?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, all good. What did you spend the $11,000 on?

[Mark Fitz]

Uhhuh.

[Chris Celio]

Just.

[Mark Fitz]

I just. Just I. I don't know. Just blew it. Just I was throw it off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you doing drugs?

[Mark Fitz]

No, I never did drugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You never did drugs? Prostitutes? Nah, no.

[D Madness]

Booger sugar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You robbed a grocery store of $11,000 and you didn't spend the money on anything in particular?

[Mark Fitz]

No, I just blew it. I was very wild and adventure seeking kind of a person. That was my weird. I like the thrill of. In a sick demented. Again, I was a up childhood so

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I just loved up about your childhood. Tell us.

[Mark Fitz]

Oh, I was just wild as. Just off the chain wild as. I started stealing when I was seven. I did my first burglary when I was nine. I. I wasn't a good kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say burglary at 9, what exactly did you burglar at 9?

[Mark Fitz]

Somebody's house that left the doors open.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what did you get from their house?

[Derek Spady]

Toys.

[Mark Fitz]

I would just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no,

[Mark Fitz]

no. I know I would steal like money and stuff. The first time I did it like the first I went back to this house like four or five times over a period of a couple months and I would go in, sneak some stuff, take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what's the last crime that you committed?

[Mark Fitz]

That one I did the big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The grocery store?

[Mark Fitz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then since then, and when I

[Mark Fitz]

got into prison that time there might be my first year in, I was like your typical angry fucking prisoner. But I. My second year and I decided, man, I'm done with this. And I I. While I was there, I. It wasn't hard. I. It was very hard. It wasn't easy inside of mass maturity prison to turn your life around, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Craziest thing that happened to you in the 10 years in prison. You answer this one good, and then the interview is over. But I want a good answer on this one.

[Brian Redban]

I don't want you to go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was wild. And me go, what do you mean wild?

[Brian Redban]

This is really wild. And me go, what the do you mean, dude? Because you're driving me kind of crazy.

[Mark Fitz]

I got snagged up in a riot, but I got out of it and left. But it wasn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say snagged up in a

[Brian Redban]

riot again, what exactly do you mean?

[Mark Fitz]

Well, I was in a. I was in a pr. One of them prisons where it's divided up into gangs.

[Brian Redban]

Of course, I'm guessing I didn't want

[Mark Fitz]

to be in it. So I was like by myself, which is rather dangerous. But I used to be really big, so I was able.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So like the white.

[Mark Fitz]

I was. I was outside in. In the. Out in the grass field and it was a softball field. And there's only one gate to go through to get out. And a riot started right outside that gate and I had to leave because you have to go lock down when they have riots and this place has rides all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they.

[Mark Fitz]

I got snagged up in a little bit, but I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Set was decent. Interview was compelling. I'm giving you a big joke book, Mark Fitz.

[Brian Redban]

Wait. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Mark Fitz]

Can I ask you one thing real fast?

[Brian Redban]

You're going to ask me something right now or. Okay.

[Mark Fitz]

I've been trying to contact Ari. Ari. Maddie for a while, cuz I. I can. I can help him. I can help him qualify for a government program to get citizenship.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'll give you his phone number.

[Brian Redban]

Hold on. No, Duncan, I actually. Duncan, no, I actually.

[D Madness]

But it's prison style. He got to give me something in return.

[Mark Fitz]

I actually have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you explain to us how you of all people.

[Brian Redban]

Not me. Friends with the current administration or Joe Rogan, who literally decided the presidency of the United States.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What can you do that we can't do? Exactly.

[Mark Fitz]

I. It's a long story how I got it, but I stumbled. I was looking for something for myself. Not because I'm an illegal immigrant, but something else. But I noticed this one thing that I read about, and it's something that he could qualify for. It's a pathway to citizenship. I actually. I. I put the. I. I actually. Because I wasn't trying to contact them. I. I did a video and I put it on a tablet. I have the tablet out here to give to you so he can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can.

[Mark Fitz]

It explains it in the video. It's too much to explain out here and it's not funny. Oh,

[Brian Redban]

Hello, Ari. You're on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Brian Redban]

I know I told you that you have the night off, but there's a guy up here, very scary guy. He's been in prison numerous times. He's 63 years old. The last time he was on stage was 44 years ago. It takes him forever to answer questions. He spent 10 years in federal prison after robbing a grocery store in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for $11,000. He got away with it for six months, but he left his fingerprints on the door on his way out. And he was part of a riot once. Long story short, at the very end, after I told him I'm gonna give him a big joke book, he said,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

there's one more thing. Can I ask you a question? I can help Ari Maddie get citizenship.

[Brian Redban]

How far away are you from the club exactly?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am just getting out of the steam room, so. I reckon I'm like 15 minutes out. Okay, well, we have a guy here that's going to. That's going to talk to you about some stuff and then we'll have some drinks afterwards. Okay, so the guy who's convicted criminal

[Mark Fitz]

from grocery store, he's going to help me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's all I need, Tony. How about you get another rapist or a Nazi?

[Ian Simon]

How about we get a whole crew together?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the kind of a crew are you putting together?

[Mark Fitz]

I need a lawyer, not a criminal.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely perfect. Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen. We love you, Ari. We'll see you soon. There you go. And here's your big joke book. Did you have fun here tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem like you didn't enjoy this. You happy? Okay, there you go.

[Brian Redban]

There he goes. Mark Fitz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get one more bucket pool out here.

[Brian Redban]

Your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Brian Redban]

We having fun out there? That's what I thought. Make some noise for him. It's Jimmy Cope Taros, everybody. Jimmy Cope Taros.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Austin, Texas. How we doing? Little about me. I'm a 10 year manager of a grocery store in Pittsburgh. What the fuck? Oh, I got fucking 60s. I'm gonna fuck this whole thing. All right, I got 60 seconds. I might have did some worse shit than him. I have an 11 year old son and I accidentally shown him all the porn in my phone. Austin. I'm picking him up from summer camp two Weeks ago. We're driving home, he sees the Tesla cybertruck. Dad, I heard those are expensive. Let me have your phone. I hand it to him. It's quiet, Dad. I look over massive amounts of blowjobs on my phone. Full panic, full panic. I don't even know how that got on my phone. He's 11, dad. It's. It's actually right here in the search bar. I'm freaking out. I take the phone from him. Listen, this is why we have Google block on your electronics. One minute I might see is Tom Brady coming out of retirement, and the next minute I see this disgusting filter and it's quiet. And I feel like I weather the storm. And he says, dad, it's totally okay if you're gay. I just start showing him all the vagina.

[Brian Redban]

There it is. Very solid. Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Copteros. Welcome to the show, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Thank you, guys.

[Brian Redban]

I like your style. Great start. Rolling off of the pits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pittsburgh thing. Welcome, welcome. Jimmy, how long you been on stand up?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Two years and a month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Where are you from?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Outside of Tampa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Gordon Dixon. Country. That's my boy. Yeah, Gord, that. That sounded less weird when in my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's Gordon Dixon?

[Jimmy Copteros]

He was on here. He works down at Shakespeare's. He's been on here. The what?

[Brian Redban]

Okay. All right.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Thank you guys for coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yes. They're all here for you, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Copteros]

I just wanted to give him a shot. I came and saw my boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's crazy. Shout out to give, but okay.

[Brian Redban]

You got it out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you'll never. You'll never get repaid for that, by the way. It's an odd favor, and you did it. I like your style, Jimmy. What do you do for work? What type of mechanic are you exactly?

[Jimmy Copteros]

I rob grocery stores, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, seriously, Jimmy, stick with me when

[Jimmy Copteros]

I sound like uncle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. What do you do for work?

[Jimmy Copteros]

I own a junk removal and hauling and home services company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Strong white guy, stuff called Jimmy's, so

[Jimmy Copteros]

you know, I own it. Like, I just needed to.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Copteros]

If you need someone to haul your junk. Where were you, Tony? I apologize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Do you live here now?

[Jimmy Copteros]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You still live in Tampa?

[Jimmy Copteros]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jimmy Copteros]

It's my second time here. You didn't ask that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, Jimmy. Very good. What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Is. Can't. It's cancer. Interesting. I don't know if that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had cancer? Yeah.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Three years cancer free.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations. It was of the lymph nodes.

[Jimmy Copteros]

It Was the lymph nodes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The lymph nodes, yeah.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Did you get.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And were you a heavy smoker?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Do you guys have tissues here? No. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[Jimmy Copteros]

I'm a light smoker. I'm a light smoker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you still smoke?

[Jimmy Copteros]

I smoke. I mean, you have one or. No, I smoke Jolo and I drink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh. And all that tonight. And all that added up. How old were you when you got diagnosed with cancer?

[Jimmy Copteros]

40. 44.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you had partied hard from your. Your whole life up until that point?

[Jimmy Copteros]

No, I've never been a partier.

[Brian Redban]

What was your symptoms?

[Jimmy Copteros]

So I was picking a friend up from the airport. I lean over to tie my shoes, and I start salivating. So I go over to the sink, and it's just blood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus.

[Jimmy Copteros]

It's the hot part of the show. So then I call 91 1. I go to the. It was just a burst abscess. And they go, which every doctor has told me, your tonsils are massive. Have you ever been told you should remove them? And I go, yeah. And they go, we think it's time. So I had my tonsils removed. Like a miracle. They remove my tonsils and they find the smallest. Now, what they'll tell you about cancer is they're looking for, like, a cluster of grapes. They found, like, a grape. So I, like, a 99% cure rate. I knew I was going to be okay, but started to throw the kitchen sink at it. So 35 rounds of radiation, seven rounds of chemo, 56 pounds lost, feeding tube, all the stuff. Yeah, I mean, I can make that funnier. I could. I could polish that pig up if you want. I'm just saying. I do have a joke, but I don't want to. Can I say it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we all have cancer now, Jimmy.

[Brian Redban]

It's oral.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oral, Got it. All right. Well. You really have kids?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Do you have a kid?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just one?

[Jimmy Copteros]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old's he?

[Jimmy Copteros]

He's 12 now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 now. Is it true that he found on his phone, fake story.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Say it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real story or fake story?

[Jimmy Copteros]

It starts out as a real story. He was about four or five, not two weeks ago. And he saw it, and he goes, dad, what's this? And I go, mind your business. Or whatever. Like, it wasn't even. It wasn't even a relevant thing that I had to explain, but I felt like it would be a good bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Yeah.

[D Madness]

Feelings aren't facts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do we feel about Jimmy? Guys, it's very rare that we have the Same comedian on twice in a row. It's a very exciting.

[Jimmy Copteros]

My picture was on the wall in that fucking grocery store, by the way, called Path Mark. You don't remember the name of it? I remember, I'll never forget that day. Rest of my life.

[D Madness]

Third time's a charm. I, I, I like you, Jimmy. You oscillate between like, funny and then like trying too hard. But you're, I think you're naturally funny. Like some of the stuff, like some of your mannerisms and like little lines were, I, I thought were like very funny. But then it's like you, I don't know, like, you try to be fun. I would suggest, like, just be natural and like you have a very compelling funny story to tell. I, I think stick to that and just be yourself more and I think you'd be great. I, I, I thought it was, I was laughing at some parts.

[Jimmy Copteros]

I'm taking all that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Because if you have 60 seconds and you laugh at some parts, that's pretty good.

[D Madness]

Was a little bit of a long walk around the block for the punchline, but, you know, it was, it still

[Jimmy Copteros]

had a punchline and I just wanted to take you on that one walk that was.

[D Madness]

Thank you.

[Jimmy Copteros]

It's not all funny.

[Duncan Trussell]

Some of it's, you know when you showed a four year old blowjob porn and he, he goes, what's that, dad? You really said nothing. Shut the up.

[Jimmy Copteros]

I mean, it sounds different the way you said it, but. Yeah, also, yeah, also, that's what I said. Yeah. Both of those can be synonymously true. Yours sounded more like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just say it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like, I'm sorry. Just say it like you said it.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Your honor. Yes, I said, hey, dad.

[Duncan Trussell]

Dad, you just fucked up my life forever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm four.

[Brian Redban]

I have more neurons in my brain

[Duncan Trussell]

than at any other time in my life and this is gonna freeze itself into my memory. I'll probably have to get therapy. Probably rob a grocery store. My toes will, my toes are gonna curl in. What is this now?

[Jimmy Copteros]

I know what you mean about the long journey to the punch. I get it now. I get it, Jimmy.

[Brian Redban]

Cope Terro. Here's a medium sized joke book. Congratulations, you were just not killed. Tony. There he goes, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Thank you, guys.

[Brian Redban]

Cope Tarot. We're flying through it this evening, ladies and gentlemen. It is happening. People are going to the restroom to do bumps of the old Puerto Rican pound cake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There they go, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

All right. It's a special part of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of our hall of fame former regulars is behind that curtain. Right now, we very rarely get to see him. Known for what I've been kind of looking for and struggling with this evening, which is the most honest, direct answers in interview history in the Kiltoni universe. If you know the words to his

[Brian Redban]

theme song, sing along for this is Hans Kim. Hey,

[Hans Kim]

I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California. That's gay as fuck, bro. I have a gun. Not on me. Somewhere in the room. I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore because I want to use it. Like, oh, is that my best friend I invited an hour ago? Or the greatest moment of my life. I have an AR15. It can shoot 600 yards. I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away. Hey, you better stop doing that in 500 yards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, that's my time.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you so much.

[Brian Redban]

Showing the difference between golden second winners, bucket pools and true, true full time

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

regulars of the show. Former weekly regular Hans Kim is back, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, my sweet, sweet Hansi.

[Hans Kim]

Hello, Tony. Thank you for having me. I sorry about this weekend. I totally up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right.

[Heath Cortez]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys want to hear a behind the scenes awesome showbiz story and how absolutely insanely autistic and Hans Kim is.

[Derek Spady]

Everyone,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

let me ask you this before I tell them the story. You don't have to say the number. Don't say the number. But was that the highest paying one time 15 minute long gig you've ever missed? Yes, without a doubt, right?

[Hans Kim]

Without a doubt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So for 15 minutes, let me just tell you. It was a lot of money.

[William Montgomery]

I will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We will not say the number, but just know.

[Brian Redban]

A lot of money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Especially for 15 minutes of work. It was scheduled to be in Edmonton, Canada. We all did it. I made it. Ari. Maddie made it. David Lucas made it. William Montgomery made it. We had to have a layover in Denver because that. What they don't tell you about Austin is that it doesn't have direct flights everywhere like LA did. That sucks. Anyway, and in Denver, Hans Kim, after we ate breakfast, he realized right then boarding the plane to Edmonton, Canada, that he forgot his passport.

[Brian Redban]

Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And if you're wondering how much money, definitely at least half your salary. Half of your annual salary is as

[Hans Kim]

much as a teacher makes in a year.

[Brian Redban]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For 15 minutes of work, the only thing that he needed to bring was his passport. Not even a change of underwear would be necessary.

[Brian Redban]

We would all have been home 24

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hours later and we were Me, Ari, William, David. Richer than ever.

[Brian Redban]

And then there was Hans, who had to tell me. What? I don't even know. I couldn't even talk to you afterwards

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

because it was so stupidly frustrating.

[Hans Kim]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what happened? You had to get a flight from Austin, from Denver to Austin.

[Hans Kim]

I was going to do that, but then I was like, I have a weekend in Appleton that I canceled for that show. So I was like, let me just go to Appleton. So I was just alone in a hotel room while you guys were in a stadium.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Mike Gleason]

Yes.

[Hans Kim]

In Appleton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In Appleton, Wisconsin.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's even worse. Holy shit. So wait, hold on. Did you cancel the whole weekend?

[Hans Kim]

No, I canceled the Friday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were gonna fly from Edmonton to Appleton?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy. So that night, can you tell us, like, what type. What was going through your head? What type of guilt?

[Hans Kim]

And I was like, stupid, stupid, stupid.

[Brian Redban]

See, that's what I'm talking about. That's how you answer a question on Kill Tony. Honestly, do you like, punch yourself when

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're angry and stuff like that?

[Hans Kim]

I throw things very hard sometimes, but I try not to do it anymore because, yeah, it scares people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That is true. So, Hans, what else is going on in life?

[Hans Kim]

I. Well, the show and shows in Ableton were great. There was a. Yeah,

[Brian Redban]

and you had

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to do what, two hour long sets?

[Hans Kim]

Three is one, two Saturday, one Sunday to make up for the Friday. So I was just like four days away from home. Just without the teacher salary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

And you know, there was a. There was a pregnant lady in the show and she had a seizure during my set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, a pregnant lady had a seizure during your set in Appleton, Wisconsin?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, she was fine. She could only handle her liquor. No, I'm just kidding. That's the joke the husband made. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Giving credit where it's due.

[Hans Kim]

But yeah, I was like, name the kid after me. But yeah, she was season up. I guess that's something that women do when they're pregnant.

[Brian Redban]

No, it isn't.

[Keegan Carmichael]

I don't know.

[Hans Kim]

Maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Hans Kim]

Maybe she was a liberal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it at a specific joke where? Was there something that. What it was?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, it was like, you know, the Chinese. A lot of people were racist to the Chinese during the pandemic, which, as a Korean, I say let them have it. They're the ones that decided to eat bats and Pangolins. I was just eating dogs like a good Asian.

[Brian Redban]

That's right, Hans. Still got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Everything else is good, Hans. What else is going on?

[Hans Kim]

I Have a bulletproof vest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now what the is going on with you, Hans?

[D Madness]

He's a Virginia Tech shooter 2.0.

[Hans Kim]

I mean. Yeah, it's a force multiplier. I have a battle belt.

[Duncan Trussell]

What do you mean? Wait, what. What's a fort?

[Derek Spady]

What do you mean?

[Hans Kim]

Like if you have a bulletproof vest, it multiplies how much force you can inflict on your enemies.

[Tony Pepperoni]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Hans Kim]

Like if you buy another gun, it's not like you're going to dual wield 2 AR15. So it makes more sense to buy like gear that'll help you in a, in a gun battle.

[D Madness]

This has gone from an interview to evidence.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it is kind of wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you gonna do with all of this stuff, Hans? Do you ever have thoughts about it?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I think about like, about hits the fan SHTF a lot. Wait, what shtf? That's. I. I've been watching a lot of YouTube about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody knows what that is.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're. You're a prepper. You're becoming a prepper.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

He bought me a long range walkie talkie recently. I don't know if he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If that means I'm sorry.

[Mike Gleason]

Safe.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, a walkie talkie. Oh, a red band. I get you a gift. Do you want the walkie talkie?

[D Madness]

The shitter hit a fan, meet me at a 2:30. I'm sorry.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, I put the walk in walkie talkie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is your plan with the walkie talkie situation? You looking for some long form friendship?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, when we're out in the woods, you know, like doing a. Doing an end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You go, you go out in the woods sometimes here in downtown Austin. The old famous Austin Woodlands. What the are you talking about?

[Hans Kim]

You know, when, when the zombies come, when we're like traveling and you could just be like, hey, red band, do you have any more bacon or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red bands, like that's literally all I

[Brian Redban]

have is fast some bacon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you guys communicated with these walkie talkies? A little ye

[Brian Redban]

talkie. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you guys talking about?

[Hans Kim]

Like, hey, we don't. I mean, we were in the same room when we did it.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Truth comes out. This is what I'm talking about. A good honest interview. It's so much easier than people think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Both parts really. The stand up, be real. That's what we tell everybody. The interview answer honestly. It's such a testament the difference between people trying to blow up their answers and just being real. It's so funny picturing you two in the same room. Like here, can you Hear me. What did you guys talky about?

[Hans Kim]

It was at the Secret show every Thursday. And, yeah, we were just like, hey, you're gay, I'm gay, we're all gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, that sounds about right. Yeah. Sounds about right.

[Brian Redban]

Well, that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, Hans, you've done it again.

[Brian Redban]

An amazing minute and an unbelievably compelling interview. You one of the biggest legends in the history of the show. He is at Madison Square Garden on August 15th. One more time for Hans Kim, everybody. From walkie talkie to the mighty Heidi. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Chris Sileo. Chris Celio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Derek Spady]

Fuck.

[Chris Celio]

I hope this is real. What a hilarious prank that would be. Chris, it's your big break. It's Kill Tony. It's an empty warehouse. Nobody's here. Oh, shit. All I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games. And then God was like, that's enough.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah,

[Chris Celio]

I give you a gift and you wasted it, son. I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret. I'd do it all again tomorrow. I wouldn't have changed a goddamn thing. Dude, give it up for my roommate for bringing me out here, D. He's a way better roommate. My last roommate sucked. He just didn't really care about personal space. He would always hang out in my room. Yeah. So every time I'd go to jerk off, I'd have to be like, hello?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, Is anyone there? Which, by the way, if you ever hear me say, hello, is anyone there? You have about 30 seconds before I start jerking off.

[Ian Simon]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Chris Celio]

Wow. You should say something, all right? Or else it's on you, not me. I don't want to hear about it in the papers later. A guy who kind of looks like Louis CK does exactly what Louis CK did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris Celio, can I cut you off? I'm the other way, buddy. I'm over here.

[Hans Kim]

Shit.

[Chris Celio]

Shit.

[Mark Fitz]

Fuck.

[Brian Redban]

Unbelievable. Set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

Set. Wow. Incredible. Chris, I find it all so amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe that you think you look like Louis ck.

[Brian Redban]

More like louis can't see k.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I loved every single thing about what happened here with you tonight. How long have you been doing standup comedy?

[Chris Celio]

10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 years? Holy. Where are you from?

[Chris Celio]

Miami.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You still live in Miami?

[Chris Celio]

I just moved here.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations.

[Brian Redban]

How recently did you move here?

[Chris Celio]

Two weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this your first time signing up for the show?

[Chris Celio]

No, no, every. I've been here every week till you got me, so.

[Brian Redban]

Two weeks?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I Love it. I love it. Chris, how old are you?

[Chris Celio]

29.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

29. So you started at 19?

[Chris Celio]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And when did you go blind?

[Chris Celio]

About six months before that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? You went blind at 19?

[Chris Celio]

I was 18. Yeah.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so what exactly happened?

[Chris Celio]

I had a, like a fuckload of like retinal detachments, which is something that usually like UFC fighters get.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

But to me it was a small Chinese boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what does that mean? Small Chinese boy sucked your eyeballs out of your. What happened?

[Chris Celio]

My friend in high school was just like fucking with me and like tossed his high school transcripts at me. Just an envelope full of papers nailed me in the eye. Next day I was blind. I already had lost one eye before that. And we're still friends. Guys, relax, all right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Chris Celio]

He drives me around sometimes.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, that's more dangerous than anything. You're probably the better driver out of

[Hans Kim]

the two of you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible because you lost an eye before that. How did you lose the eye before that?

[Chris Celio]

Same thing, just a bunch of retinal detachments. But I was like, this one's going good. Nothing's going to stop me on this one eye. And then he threw that. His bright future sealed mine.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, it's a thyroid issues. Is that.

[Chris Celio]

No, no, retina. The retina is like in your eye. It's the thing that.

[Heath Cortez]

From thyroid.

[Chris Celio]

That happens.

[Brian Redban]

Thyroid disease?

[Chris Celio]

No, no.

[Brian Redban]

Our senior health correspondent, Brian Redband, taking a chance, trying to relate thyroid issues to retinal detachments. He's who you look like, by the way, not Louis ck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But the joke still works. Chris. So you know blind at 18. So have you like had a real job or anything? What do blind guys kind of do?

[Brian Redban]

I don't.

[Chris Celio]

I had a job for a while.

[Mark Fitz]

Uh huh.

[Chris Celio]

Wasn't that good at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it?

[Chris Celio]

I worked in like an office at an opera.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Race car driver.

[D Madness]

I was a crane operator.

[Chris Celio]

Dude. I worked at a non profit where they help people find jobs and they couldn't fire me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right.

[Chris Celio]

As bad as I was, they were like, nah, we'll just let them.

[D Madness]

You probably couldn't find your cane. How could you find someone else's job?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Chris. So what else do you do? Like what are your hobbies? What are you into?

[Chris Celio]

I like to go to music festivals and do drugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh fuck yeah. Absolutely incredible. What's the most fun you've ever had at a music festival? What are your favorite drugs?

[Chris Celio]

All of them.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Chris Celio]

Hell, preferably at once. Nah. Acid, mushrooms. Everything that somebody has told me will make me see something I've put in My mouth?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Amazing. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you see when that stuff happens? Like, I mean, I'd imagine that you still see stuff in your dreams. Am I right?

[Chris Celio]

I can still see in my dreams. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's completely black. Other than that.

[Chris Celio]

Other than that, yeah. Even on all the psychedelics, like, it's great. I love psychedelics. It feels like all of my senses are turned up to 11, except for sight. That's still on zero. I don't get any visuals with psychedelics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you don't get visuals on psychedelics?

[Chris Celio]

No, no, I've done all of them. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. How about Love Life? Have you ever been on any blind dates? So stupid.

[Brian Redban]

So stupid. But when in Rome? When in Rome,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

by the way, may

[Brian Redban]

I say D. Madness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never seen him more on the

[Brian Redban]

edge of his seat during an interview. It's the first time he's ever been genuinely interested in anybody in the last 250 episodes of this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Clearly Bias.

[Chris Celio]

They told me to tap him up. I was like, I don't know where he is.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it is incredible. Chris Celio. So what's it like? Do you date blind guy? How does it work?

[Chris Celio]

It's tough, you know? Like, I'm on the apps, you know, My bio just says blind comics. See the possibilities.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love it.

[Chris Celio]

And I swipe right on everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Has it worked? Like, have you? It's like, give us an example of what going on a date with you is like. I find this all so intriguing.

[Chris Celio]

I had a girl take me to an art exhibit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a.

[Brian Redban]

Really.

[Chris Celio]

She just tried really hard to describe things to me that I couldn't care about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, that is so funny. Funny? It's crazy.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness. So what else, Chris? What? Like, what are your. Like, now that you're here in Austin, what are your goals? What do you want to do this,

[Chris Celio]

man, I want to do this here.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

When I. Like when I first went blind, like, I'd always wanted to be a comic, like. Like, even before I went blind, but I kind of forgot about that when just doing a bunch of surgeries and things like that. But when I went blind, I was just sitting at home in the dark listening to Kill Tony and shit. So ever since then, I wanted to fucking do this, you know? Like, this is a huge moment. Og Belly room. Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, say that again.

[Chris Celio]

Og Belly room. Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Chris, it has come full circle for you, my friend. Even though the lineup is out of control nowadays, so many talented regulars and people in the rotation I have to say that I want to see more of you. And having you sign up regularly would just be a tremendous hassle for you and for everybody else. So let me be the first and only one that matters to tell you that you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here.

[Brian Redban]

Everyone's on their feet, Chris. They're going crazy. And out the of love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes.

[Brian Redban]

Ladies and Chris, step up to the mic one more time real quick there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you feel right now? It's right to your right.

[Brian Redban]

Jesus. Worst handler ever. What, are you blind too? Jesus Christ. Look at. We saw Tony Paul Pepperoni earlier. It was Tommy Salami. What the is this guy? Look at this goots over here. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, how do you feel?

[Chris Celio]

Amazing, man. Thank you so much, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You're an amazing talent, and we're looking forward to having you on. Hey. Hey.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you got a standing ovation.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Yeah. The place went nuts. Yeah.

[Trent Richards]

And.

[D Madness]

And that girl in the front row showed her tits.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Chris, throw that mic in the mic stand. You're part of the Kill Tony universe. They're going to get your number and information back there. Congratulations. Another one. The squad continues to grow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's so cool.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, that was cool.

[Brian Redban]

You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Back to the bucket we go. As you see or can't see, anything can happen here on this show goes from funny to compelling to heartfelt to terrible to amazing. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Keegan Carmichael. Everybody make some noise through Keegan Carmichael.

[Keegan Carmichael]

My dad would always tell me, alcohol will never fix anything. Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Yeah. You didn't think I noticed? Hey, I was doing comedy. Comedy's tough. As a comedian, I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street. Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides because I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and coleslaw. Like, hey, what'd you enjoy about Huckleberry Finn the gravy? Hey, are you hungry? Cool. Let's go to the library.

[Duncan Trussell]

All right.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Keegan Carmichael.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The. Some people are already calling him the. Keegan. Let's just jump right into what literally

[Brian Redban]

100% of the people in the room are thinking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you aware that in every single way you're doing a Mitch Hedberg impression?

[Keegan Carmichael]

I. I get reminded every day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that on purpose or, like, accident? Accident. Is this how you are in real life?

[Keegan Carmichael]

Yeah, it's weird like. Like people DM me like that question, like, is that how you are? Yeah, I don't. I don't know what you want me to tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were like this and that was your sense of humor, and then you saw Mitch Hedberg and you're like, whoa, what the. What are the odds?

[D Madness]

I used to impersonate Mitch Heberg. I still do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, the look, the everything, every single thing. The delivery, the joke style. Are you a super fan of his?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Keegan Carmichael]

My favorite's actually Demetri Martin, but Dimitri Martin.

[Brian Redban]

Now I know you're kidding. That's literally nobody's favorite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just love the way rips the paper off the pit. Keegan, who are you in real life? What do you really like?

[Keegan Carmichael]

I'll just. I just couple of beers in the park and read a book, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Keegan Carmichael]

A little over two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And has it always been like this? You from Seattle? Portland. Where are you from?

[Keegan Carmichael]

No, I'm from Illinois.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Illinois.

[Derek Spady]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Keegan Carmichael]

I doordash on an e bike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You what?

[Keegan Carmichael]

I doordash on an e bike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doordash on an e bike. I hate it when my deliveries are on E bikes. Yeah, it's always smushed around and up.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Believe me, nobody understands that better than me.

[Mars Martian]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Duncan Trussell.

[Brian Redban]

It is funny. Like, your spirit definitely lives on through him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not quite as powerful, obviously, as the late, great, super amazing Mitch Hedberg, but I mean, you do kind of got it down. You wrote those jokes. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, I know.

[Duncan Trussell]

Duncan, I was just gonna say it's too bad that they don't need Mitch Hedberg impersonators at kids parties because you kids. I'm sorry, it was funny like 20 seconds ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So every time you do a show, anywhere you go, every time you do standup, all the other comedians are like, God, this fucking guy's doing a Mitch Hedberg impression. Right?

[Keegan Carmichael]

Some people wait outside the club to like, fuck. They say shit to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Have you seen Mitch Hedberg's stand up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Keegan Carmichael]

It kind of freaks me out.

[Chris Celio]

How.

[Brian Redban]

How old are you?

[Keegan Carmichael]

31.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

31. So when's the first time you saw Mitch Hedberg stand up? Were you a big fan of his? At one point.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Oh, at one point. I mean, dude, Dimitri Martin was gone again.

[Brian Redban]

I hear you. That's funny and all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But seriously, but seriously, we're all like

[Brian Redban]

witnessing like, it is like a Mitch Hedberg impression.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you always talk like this? Was your. Was this. Is this how you talk in real life? Yeah.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Tony, I don't know what to tell you, man.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Can you do a Christopher Walking impression?

[Keegan Carmichael]

For what? I don't. I don't watch movies, man.

[Chris Celio]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keegan, most interesting thing about your life. Tell us. What would we be intrigued to find out about you 31 years of experience at being Keegan Carmichael? Tell us.

[Keegan Carmichael]

I have a cast iron pan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do the other part. Go ahead.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Oh, no, yeah, it's cool because you gotta take care of it. Like, you have a cast iron pan. You have a responsibility. You know, like.

[Trent Richards]

Like,

[Keegan Carmichael]

like, you know, Like a lot of girls now, they're dog moms, but, you know, not me. Like, I'm the. I'm the father to a.

[Brian Redban]

What else, Keegan? Tell us something else interesting about you,

[Keegan Carmichael]

dude. Doordashing on the bike. That's. That's a up world. I have trouble sometimes because I fall a lot. Like, I like. I don't like the Texas cheerleaders because I was going really fast and they were on the sidewalk, and so I fell into the ditch. And I'm laying on the ground, and she looks over me, she's like, is your bike okay? I'm like, no. And then, like, the lime scooters, they're on the way, too. To me, a Texas cheerleader is like a lime scooter. I'd probably have to pay to ride you, but I just prefer you get out the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keegan, fun times. Here's a little joke book, my friend.

[Brian Redban]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keegan Carmichael.

[Brian Redban]

It's kind of like blasphemous. Blasphemous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? He's doing awful.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Like, he has good jokes.

[Chris Celio]

He could just do them, like, different, like, his own self and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

Like, literally acting right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And looking like him's kind of crazy, too. Anyway, we have any sage? Can we sage the room?

[Chris Celio]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Never really saged. Never saged the Kill Tony stage before, but that one kind of creeped me.

[Jimmy Copteros]

Out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Out.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

All right. You guys good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody good?

[Brian Redban]

This guy's leaving. He's seen enough. This guy's pissed. This guy's pissed off. Make some noise for your next bucket pole. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mike Gleason, everyone, Mike Gleason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going?

[Mike Gleason]

A lot of my friends say that I'm really hard to get gifts for. I don't think it's that hard to hop online and Google things to get for people with yellow teeth. That was an incredibly fake smile.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry about that.

[Mike Gleason]

I'm from Chicago. I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good. Took a chick out the other day, which is awesome. Opened up the car door for her, and she's like, look at this. Chivalry's not dead. I'm like, easy, bitch. My door sticks. I gotta climb in first.

[Chris Celio]

All right.

[Mark Fitz]

Chivalry.

[Mike Gleason]

I don't know if you're cold. The window works just fine, but that's awesome. Really big fan of these. Ven. These waymos out here you guys got, they're pretty cool. Brings back the childhood. And me, I used to throw snowballs at cars, which is pretty fun. But now I feel like you could just throw anything at these things. And you're feeding all these, like, vegans that are, like, hanging out in the streets, doing yoga poses and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, that's it. Okay. Mike Gleason. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome. Mike. How long you been on standup? It's kind of weird.

[Mike Gleason]

I started in, like, 2001, and then I kind of quit. And I really like the show, so I kind of moved out here and kind of restarting it.

[Brian Redban]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long did you move to Austin on Easter?

[Mike Gleason]

424.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

20. Perfect. Yeah. Dude. What do you do for work?

[Mike Gleason]

I haven't found a job yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what's your plan? What are you good at?

[D Madness]

Stealing catalytic converters?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Where are you from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where were you at before?

[Mike Gleason]

Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chicago Construction. Yeah. This is what construction guys look like in Chicago, I guess.

[Mike Gleason]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. Have you looked for a job in construction here? I have, yeah. How's it going? Not bad.

[Mike Gleason]

I kind of actually turned down a few jobs, which is weird, but I just wasn't catching a vibe.

[Hans Kim]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How much money do you have saved up?

[Mike Gleason]

Quite a bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what?

[Mike Gleason]

A lot. That I don't want, like, my poor friends to reach out to me. I mean, do you really need a number? It's not a lot anymore, but it was enough to get me out here. I got. I'm doing the Hans Kim thing, living in a trailer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Nice. You have a bed in it? Yeah, like a. Like a little bed.

[Mike Gleason]

It's. I got a purple bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Look at that. Very good. You're doing good.

[Mark Fitz]

Purple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing good. Okay, so what do you do for fun, Mike, when you're not doing stand up?

[Mike Gleason]

I like to Frisbee golf. People watch is a huge thing for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, people watching is fun again. Fentanyl's out. Trump stopped.

[Brian Redban]

Fentanyl crack is back. People watching is more exciting than ever. There was nothing fun about that. Fentanyl phase that we went through under the Biden administration. And now crack is back, thanks to the reigning, defending President of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And 300 people just shut the show off right then.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know if you guys heard that, but that's what they do because

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they literally can't hear that without losing their mentally ill minds. Mike Gleason, tell us what the most interesting thing about your entire life is. It's our first time meeting. You might as well spill the beans.

[Mike Gleason]

I'm an overshare.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like to overshare. Why don't you start right now then?

[Mike Gleason]

Yeah, all right, fuck it. How I got my money. I worked for Tesla and got the shit kicked out of me for actually being the only one there who knew how to do. They like hired everybody out. Like, I. Dude, I mean, I would not buy a Tesla or any of their products. They're horseshit. I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry. Wow.

[Mike Gleason]

You don't want to hear that, but

[Brian Redban]

engineer or what kind of dude.

[Mike Gleason]

It was like, I was the only roofer there and there was not a pitchfork in sight. And I was like, like, what's going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were a roofer?

[Mike Gleason]

Yeah, solar roof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did okay. Solar and like red dance.

[Chris Celio]

Are you at my house?

[Mike Gleason]

No, but do you know what I'm talking about?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, he has a solar roof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He makes money off of it. Yeah, I sell it back.

[Chris Celio]

But yeah, I. I could tell what you're. I know what you're talking.

[Mike Gleason]

Yeah, it's like that we were doing jobs and they were like, they didn't like, check out where the sun went. And then we. We put it on and there was like a huge house behind it and it's blocking all the sun. So we went back like eight times and they're like, yeah, no, it's definitely the install. And I'm like, no, it's the guy who designed it. Like, there's a huge house blocking the sun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ian Simon]

Yeah, so.

[Mike Gleason]

So I got a lot of money from him because there was a dude there who also did cedar shake roof. Beat the ever living shit out of me. Like, I was with my hands up. Like, I'm 40 years old. I like this job.

[Keegan Carmichael]

I don't want to.

[Mike Gleason]

I don't want to lose it, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, like, beat you up.

[Mike Gleason]

He beat the crap out of me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Punched you in the face, kicked you in the ribs. The whole thing. The whole thing thing.

[Mike Gleason]

Dude, he took my helmet off and smashed it off. Like, if you get my phone, I think I have my. Like, you could read what Like, Tesla sent me everything that all the dudes wrote, and it was hilarious. Like, they're like, he was a. And a. And all this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then he.

[Mike Gleason]

They slammed the helmet off of my head. Like, everything that this guy said.

[Duncan Trussell]

He kept saying, solar panels need sun.

[Mike Gleason]

Well, I was getting suggestions of getting

[Brian Redban]

shut down all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they beat the shit out of you.

[Mike Gleason]

One guy did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So. But you made a bunch of money because of that.

[Mike Gleason]

Well, I. I up my hand in the fall, and then, like, I don't know, the. The chick who did the surgery, like, left some metal in there. I was like Wolverine for a little bit. And then they took three bones out. So, like, the settlement, I got a. A hefty chunk of change.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A hefty chunk of change. How much again? Just. Just.

[Mike Gleason]

Can I tell you how much is left? Yeah, it's probably funnier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure.

[Mike Gleason]

Like, 20 bucks.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Mike Gleason]

I'm buying leather jackets. It's in the middle of the summer. Like, I not spending well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you had a female surgeon. Yeah, and she left meddling.

[Mike Gleason]

She was pregnant, too. Pregnant chicks hate me, so I didn't of you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do pregnant chicks hate you?

[Mike Gleason]

I don't know. They just smell my, like, singleness and never settle down.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They just hate me. All right.

[Duncan Trussell]

Pregnant chicks hate me. My co workers hate me.

[D Madness]

The son hates me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever think it might be you, Mike?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Could be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Could be. All right. Any crazy accomplishments? You ever win a trophy for anything?

[Mike Gleason]

Yeah, I used to be a good swimmer.

[D Madness]

Oh, first place, work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun times, Mike. Sign up again. We'll see you again.

[Brian Redban]

Mike Gleason, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, that's his fucked up hand. Hand. He really does have a up hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The.

[Brian Redban]

I saw the book bounce off of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right off the steel plate.

[Brian Redban]

One more time for Mike Gleason, everybody. All right, we're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to keep it moving along. It's Derek Spady, everybody. Derek Spady.

[Derek Spady]

I recently dated a girl with an ego so big that she would yell out her own name in bed. It used to mess with me because it wasn't a very feminine name. Like, who names their daughter rape? Let's get to some personal stuff. All right? When I was six years old, I told my parents. I figured out that I was adopted. My mom was like, who told you? I was like, who told me my sister's Asian. What am I, one of the slow kids? Even at age six, you know, two whites don't make a Wong. And then after the divorce, they just, like, gave up on parenting. Like, I don't know how to do anything right. I kill so many houseplants, I call my home Plant Parenthood. If it hasn't been three months and I don't like the name, I'm yanking it out of that pot. Speaking of which, my girlfriend thinks I don't want plants because she caught me throwing seeds away in the shower one time. This isn't true. I love plants. I want plants very much. And I would love my plants no matter what, even if they turn out to be transplants. All right, you guys have been great. I appreciate you.

[Brian Redban]

Derek Spady. Hi, Derek.

[Derek Spady]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You been on this show before?

[Derek Spady]

No, not before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You just look like everybody that's been on this show before. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand up?

[Derek Spady]

About five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years. You from here?

[Derek Spady]

No, I'm from Portland, Oregon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Portland, Oregon. Okay, there it is. I felt Portland Energies earlier and this is why I felt it because you were coming up. Okay. How long have you lived here?

[Derek Spady]

So I'm here for about a month, just doing stand up. I got an Airbnb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Just visiting. Is this your first week signing up?

[Derek Spady]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you, you lucky fuck.

[Hans Kim]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Odds were 1 in 300 and you nailed it. Are you often lucky in life? No. Right. What do you do for work?

[Derek Spady]

So I worked at a Kroger for the last five years and now I'm just taking time off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause I saved second Kroger Shout out this episode. Absolutely incredible.

[Derek Spady]

It's almost as good as Heb. When I got down here, I was pretty blown away.

[Brian Redban]

Be careful. You be careful what you say. We were raised around Kroger's. We know Kroger's. Kroger's not really that close to H e B. Have you been to an H E

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

B since being here?

[Tony Pepperoni]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, one?

[Derek Spady]

Three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three.

[Ian Simon]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what. What types of things did you get from H e B?

[Derek Spady]

The produce is better than the produce

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've had in Oregon, which is out of this world. Did you try anything from the deli meats, perhaps?

[Derek Spady]

No, not yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you try any of the prepared things like the fully stuffed jalapeno pepper tortillas?

[Derek Spady]

No. No, I think at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, that's where you will find that there is complete, complete whole different universe un Kroger like materials at hb. The more you try it, the more

[Brian Redban]

you take chances you will find to be HB reigns supreme around here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We like to say you down with Heb. Yeah, you know me. Nobody's ever said that before, but I said it, right.

[Derek Spady]

Well, in the Pacific Northwest, the Kroger's or Fred Meyers, it's not exactly the same as the Kroger's where you're from, so that's probably the difference that you're seeing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Okay. Well, you got the crowd riled up right now.

[Brian Redban]

One thing you don't want to do

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

is any anti h e b rant

[Brian Redban]

in this room, you're going to need hans bulletproof vest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You keep it up. What do you do for work?

[Derek Spady]

So like I said, I worked at Kroger's, and then now I'm not. I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing there? Stocking shelves?

[Derek Spady]

No, I managed one of the departments, the habit department.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's like the what department?

[Derek Spady]

It's like the cosmetics, the shampoo, all that of kind. Kind of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

E worst part of the grocery store. No doubt about it.

[Duncan Trussell]

I hope you guys never stop talking about grocery stores.

[Brian Redban]

Well, I'll tell you, heard of Meers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like grocery store talk. Duncan, you. You have a whole family.

[Duncan Trussell]

I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Everyone loves it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Everyone loves grocery store talk.

[D Madness]

What's your favorite aisle?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you two.

[Brian Redban]

Grocery store hating ass guests I have here tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hate them. I hate hb.

[Brian Redban]

Duncan.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, yeah, Duncan.

[Brian Redban]

Worst grocery store ever. Ack me, Ack me. All right, for those of you just listening to the podcast, Ian and Duncan were brutally shot live in the room. Luckily, it was by Chris Sealio and D Madness, who hit the ceiling multiple times, and Duncan and Ian ran out of the room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Derek, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened or that you've ever done that we would find compelling here. The millions and millions of people watching right now.

[Derek Spady]

I've won a couple film festivals for claymations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, wow. Claymation. What types of things were you making out of clay?

[Derek Spady]

So I do like Tavern that has mobsters and monsters, and I had a bunch of short sketches that did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very nice. Where can we find this work at?

[Derek Spady]

If you YouTube Bad Banana Studios or Bad Banana Clays Tavern, it should pop up. It's been a while since I posted

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

stuff, but yeah, Bad banana straight to fat banana. Very interesting.

[Brian Redban]

Very interesting. How you spell banana. Banana. According to red ban, is B A N N A N N A. For those of you that have your how retarded is red band bingo card out, that is four n's in the word banana. Ladies and gentlemen, this is who I've worked with side by Side every Monday for 12 years and I have never

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

once shot myself in the head. Anyway, very cool. You must get all the claymation pussy. How's that going for you?

[Derek Spady]

I mean, it's so timec consuming. You basically spend all your day in a room. I do have a girlfriend though, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What does she do?

[Derek Spady]

She also works at a Kroger.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is. What if you work in.

[Brian Redban]

If you work in the cosmetic style, I must know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What section of the grocery store does your girlfriend work in?

[Derek Spady]

She took over for me when I left.

[Brian Redban]

Left, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she's in cosmetics. Is she still in Portland?

[Derek Spady]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're here and she's in Portland, but it's only for a month.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. What do you miss most about her?

[Derek Spady]

Well. So her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. The answer.

[Brian Redban]

No. I'm kidding. Go ahead.

[Derek Spady]

No, no, she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so weird, cuz it's like a professional job job. Right?

[Brian Redban]

Colbert's out there getting fired and meanwhile I'm like, what do you like her? And I'm like thriving. It's crazy, right? Doesn't make any sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has.

[Keegan Carmichael]

Go ahead.

[Derek Spady]

She's really funny. For instance, the other day after we had sex, I was like, man, we should figure out some more activities to do. I'd love to do some art together. And she goes, I thought we just made art. Pretty funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guess he had to be there. Okay, you had a good set, right? We like Derek. Yeah, it was. All right. Here's a big joke book.

[Brian Redban]

Derek Spady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations.

[Brian Redban]

You were on Kiltoni. You're here for another month. Sign up again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations. There he goes. Make some noise for Derek, everyone.

[Brian Redban]

And your final bucket poll of the night. Ooh la la la la. Make some noise for Trent Richards, everybody. Trent Richards.

[Trent Richards]

So my wife, she's been telling me for a while that I need to watch this Gypsy Rose documentary. And so eventually I finally caved in. I watched it. If you don't know Gypsy, she suffered from munch housing by proxy. Her mom, she fabricated a bunch of diseases for her and pretty much kept her imprisoned in her own home. Didn't let her go anywhere. So eventually, Gypsy got tired of it. She went online, she got a little retarded boyfriend and well, they both ended up going to prison. Cause he stabbed her mom to death to set her free. That story was so crazy to me, it blew my mind because it had me sitting there thinking, 34 years. Well, doesn't munch housing by proxy mean eating pussy from the back? That's my time.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trent Richards, a 55 second long setup for one punchline?

[Trent Richards]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eating from the back. All that information for one little dink. Okay. How long you been doing stand up, Trent?

[Trent Richards]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years. We're at Fort Worth. Fort Worth. Would you consider that joke your best joke? Or was that something you're, like, working on recently, or.

[Trent Richards]

No, I've been working on it. That's. I have more jokes, but the documentary

[D Madness]

came out eight years ago,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and every. All that information you give, it's all just for the picture. Eating pussy from the backside thing. The payoff is there. Literally. I looked. It was 55 seconds. You hit the landing at 56. Duncan Trussell.

[Duncan Trussell]

I was actually very absorbed into your setup. I mean, that. Something about you, I don't know, it caught my attention. It's like watching a Southern one person show. Like, a really Southern, sad one person show.

[Brian Redban]

You know what I mean?

[Duncan Trussell]

Like, it's like an act. He's an actor. Like, you really. Like, if there was some nice. Like, if. If he redid that. In red band, you played, like, the Civil War soundtrack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good idea. I actually like this idea. Look up some.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, watch. Just watch. Don't even do the punchline.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually. Why don't we have the band play something? You guys have, like, any. Is there a way to do generic, like, Civil War music? Like.

[D Madness]

But you have to do it like my dear Gypsy Rose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice and easy, nice and easy. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Do it again. Trent Richards.

[Ian Simon]

So my wife,

[Trent Richards]

She's been telling me for many years now that there's Gypsy Rose documentary. And that I might just need to sit my white ass on down and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

give it a view.

[Trent Richards]

And so I did. I thought about it, And after some. Some mighty long viewership.

[Brian Redban]

All right, I'm gonna stop you there. That was fantastic. Trent, what do you do for work?

[Trent Richards]

Deliver groceries.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa, here we go. Billion dollar question coming at you. Billion dollar question coming at you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of groceries do you deliver?

[Trent Richards]

Heb.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. You Duncan. You Duncan. You Duncan. You Duncan. Son of a. Heb sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa.

[Brian Redban]

Still hurts every goddamn time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow them.

[Trent Richards]

They're fighting words. Duncan,

[Brian Redban]

how long you been delivering heb?

[Trent Richards]

Since I moved to Austin, so about five months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What's your favorite thing about delivering Heb?

[Trent Richards]

The rich people in Westlake.

[Brian Redban]

You're goddamn right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big tippers, right?

[Brian Redban]

You're goddamn right.

[Trent Richards]

Hell, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The booming economy here in Texas, you gotta love it. Craziest order situation that you've ever had. Any odd moments delivering groceries. You ever get out in Westlake and you End up in one of those like gated communities and fucking shit gets a little weird. Some dude answers the rope with his fat, throbbing hard cock hanging out of it. Out of his robe or something like that?

[Trent Richards]

Nah, I had a tranny open the door one time with no clothes on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's exactly the type of answer I was looking for.

[Trent Richards]

Not in Westlake.

[D Madness]

That's a gift.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what did you see exactly? What type of. What type of. What type of junk was there? What'd you see? A dick.

[Brian Redban]

So it was like a woman with a dick?

[Trent Richards]

Well, if you call it that. But it had a dick.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, Amazing.

[D Madness]

What was the address?

[Brian Redban]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you said you deliver H E B, not hiv. That's incredible. All right, Trent. Well, fun times. We got through it, that's for sure. Here's a little joke book. Sign up again and do a different bit next time.

[Brian Redban]

Munchausen by proxy, 55 seconds. Set up for one. Eating from the back. Punchline gets you a little joke book. All right, final bucket poll of the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

night, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redban]

Make some noise for Mars Martian, everybody. Mars Marshall. Okay,

[Mars Martian]

I don't know, I'm feeling cute. I might come later. Yeah, with a fistful of cocoa butter in the mirror.

[Duncan Trussell]

All right.

[Mars Martian]

I don't know, guys. Anybody ever break a long no fap streak by beating every side of your dick raw? There's a question for the ladies. I spent the 22 days no FAP just so I can Indian burn all the cum out of my body for 45 minutes. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I defeated no fap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know,

[Mars Martian]

look like I beat my dick for three and a half miles, got dick splints. I don't know, it's like I was running a cum gauntlet. Ladies don't know what I'm talking about, but every lady.

[Brian Redban]

Somehow the most racist moment of the show. A noise by Redban playing the jungle bird for Mars Martian. That sound is called Jungle Bird. Before you think I'm dropping a slur, the button is called Jungle Bird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Mars Martian.

[Brian Redban]

You did it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on the show a few times before. It's always is pretty much an absolute embarrassing bomb fest. And yet you've done it again. Chuckling your way through a set about completely jerking off. Ian Fance, our senior jerk off correspondent, you were.

[D Madness]

Thank you, Tony. Most of your set was talking about no fat, but most of it made me no laugh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mars, remind us, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[Mars Martian]

25 months. 2 years. 2 years plus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Mars Martian]

Oh, God damn it. I spend a lot of money financing my comedy career.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you make the money now?

[Mars Martian]

It was savings. No, now I just do a lot of art stuff. I'm just constantly out here with my camera.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just.

[Mars Martian]

I got a studio at the house. I'm just playing. I'm just playing make believe.

[D Madness]

Okay, and where is your brother Diddy Kong right now?

[Brian Redban]

New most racist moment of the show. The crown weighs heavy for Ian Finance

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with the absolute Donkey Kong reference out of nowhere. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever said to you?

[Brian Redban]

Mars Martian.

[Mars Martian]

There's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Okay.

[Mars Martian]

I mean there's just so many things. There's an array of things I've been called throughout my existence, you know what I mean? Ah, yeah, you call me something right now. What you got?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I know what I want to call you right now.

[Brian Redban]

A Waymo home. Am I right? All right, Mars, get out of here. There he goes. Mars Martian, ladies and gentlemen. Completely unbearable 100. Unbearable. Anybody whose first response to every question is can burn in hell. It's all cruise control from this point, ladies and gentlemen, let's face it, an unbelievable episode. It all starts started with the youthful young legend, Heath Cortez. Who can forget the stylings of Tony Pepperoni? We flew through Ian Simon's annoying set. Mark Fitz, the rebel out of Pittsburgh. The curly toed bandit, Jimmy Copteros. Hans Kim was with us. The golden ticket was won by Chris Stelio tonight in an unbelievable performance. We literally had a sociopathic young Mitch Hedberg pretending like he didn't know that he was doing a Mitch Hedberg impression. Mike Gleason, Derek Spady, Trent Richards and Mars Martian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which means if I can say there's

[Brian Redban]

only one way to end an episode like this. This man, some people say is Jesus Christ's favorite comedian. He recently performed at the Roman Coliseum to a sold out crowd at 3 in the morning. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler, the talk space Tycoon. The Opus of Openphone. The tyrant of Tacomas. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

So they announced there was no Epstein list and for some reason Red Band started crying tears of joy and screaming

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

free at last, free at last.

[Brian Redban]

Thank God Almighty, we free at last.

[William Montgomery]

A woman from Thailand filmed herself having sex with a bunch of Buddhist monks over a three year period. And the blackmailed millions of dollars out of them to keep quiet about it. Bangkok indeed. Hey Red Band, remember that boy band 98 degrees?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

That's 98 more degrees than your dumb ass ever got in college.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking idiot.

[William Montgomery]

Y' all ever heard of the band yes? Well, the band yes is coming to town and I saw a recent photo of them and that'll be a no.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, that's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Time.

[Brian Redban]

Unbelievable. The man who has done it more than anyone. More minutes, more interviews.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Talk Space Tycoon. The Opus of Open Phone and the Tyrant of Tokovas. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. William Montgomery has done it again. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Very impressive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two deep red band references, 98 degrees. I haven't heard about them in a while. Is that true?

[Chris Celio]

Funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a good one.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, because you have, what, zero degrees, right? Yeah, it works, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Didn't you get a degree?

[Chris Celio]

Math classes away, but wow.

[William Montgomery]

But yeah, I think you dropped out or something.

[Chris Celio]

No, I got hired because I was the only one that knew how to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

make websites back in 96.

[William Montgomery]

That sounds made up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It sounds stupid.

[Brian Redban]

What?

[William Montgomery]

So that's why you failed out of college, you idiot, because you only knew

[Brian Redban]

how to do websites?

[William Montgomery]

I don't even know what that means.

[Brian Redban]

But, Tony, it's really nice to meet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So fun. The dynamic between you two, I must say, William, so much fun. How are you doing?

[William Montgomery]

I'm doing wonderful. And Tony? I went with Tony and David and Ari to Canada this past weekend and it was wonderful. It felt like old times. It was great. Tony was so sweet. He let me stay on his couch so I didn't have to get a 500 hotel room.

[Brian Redban]

I really did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So a little fun fact. And again, I love the behind the scenes on this episode is he was going to share a room with Hans. I may have mentioned many times that both Hans and William are shockingly cheap.

[Duncan Trussell]

There's sh.

[Keegan Carmichael]

A room.

[William Montgomery]

I only had to pin my wines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

40 bucks.

[William Montgomery]

That's not bad for a hotel up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[William Montgomery]

I only had to. It only was gonna cost me $40. To stay with Hans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[Brian Redban]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, grown adult man again. The amount of money you guys are making is criminally insane to not buy your own hotel room. But a fun fact is that since we found out that Hans forgot his passport in Denver, William started panicking when we got picked up in Canada. Oh, man. I don't even have a room. I'm like, what do you mean you don't have a room? He's like, I was gonna share a room with Hans and it was under Hans's name. I don't know what to do, Tony. You know, the whole thing.

[William Montgomery]

You let me stay on your couch,

[Brian Redban]

I think, and I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got to hear you breathe. At one point in the middle of the night, I could.

[Brian Redban]

I could hear him breathing. It wasn't a snore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was more like an open mouth. Like,

[Brian Redban]

It was actually quite nice. It helped me fall back asleep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm like, ah, it's a sweet noise.

[Ian Simon]

White noise.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was like.

[Brian Redban]

It was like white supremacy noise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, yes, we had a lot of fun, big fun gig in Edmonton, Canada. What stood out to you, William? Perfect. So what else is going on in your life, William? What have you been doing to pass the timely? You always have fun. Hobbies?

[William Montgomery]

Still just rowing. I'm up to 874 miles since January. I cannot stop doing that. I'm getting faster, I'm getting stronger. I'm getting more confident on the erg. It's a lot of fun. I see Michael Gonzalez in there all the time. And I also saw our man over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which one?

[William Montgomery]

Really, Jack?

[Chris Celio]

You don't remember his name, do you?

[Brian Redban]

Do you not know the guitarist's name?

[Mark Fitz]

John.

[Brian Redban]

He's been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you. You talking about John Dees or Matt Muhling?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, John. John. Oh, but I was talking about Matt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there you go. All right.

[William Montgomery]

Why'd you try to make that awkward? I knew your name, Matt. I knew your name.

[Mike Gleason]

Plus, they stole my thunder. You told him. I was really jacked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we just breezed right over.

[Brian Redban]

Let's see how jacked are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see a quick flex. Matt Muhling.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Matt Muscles muling over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely, Tony.

[William Montgomery]

I knew Matt's name.

[Brian Redban]

Dude, you definitely. The record will show.

[William Montgomery]

Matt, I knew your name. I know you know my name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay.

[Brian Redban]

It definitely seemed like you didn't know his name. I gotta let you know, like, you may have known his name, but it seemed like you didn't know his name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you name everybody up here real quick?

[Brian Redban]

Why don't we go. Why don't we go from this. This side, this side down. We're gonna start over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go. So go ahead.

[Brian Redban]

The guy's name that you knew was. And this is John D. And this, of course, is.

[William Montgomery]

We got D Madness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you.

[Brian Redban]

We know that you know.

[William Montgomery]

Do we got Michael Gonzalez?

[Brian Redban]

Yep. And welcome to the Hard Part. Here we go.

[William Montgomery]

Got my man Carlos.

[Brian Redban]

You know his last name?

[William Montgomery]

What is your last name?

[Brian Redban]

Well, you can't ask. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

And I love both of y', all, but I can't think of Y', all, Seriously, it's nothing personal, I swear to God.

[Heath Cortez]

Fur.

[William Montgomery]

What are yalls names fur? Fernando.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

There's some definite cheating going on over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just heard the whole naming, he said and Raul.

[Brian Redban]

Ooh, very good. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely awkward.

[Brian Redban]

Good job. Little fun fact. William started sweating, physically sweating. During that part, not during the set.

[William Montgomery]

I knew when I got down over there I was.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, I knew I was.

[William Montgomery]

Even though I'm always night, it's always so sweet to see y'.

[Mark Fitz]

All.

[William Montgomery]

It's not always nice to see. I get just bad at names and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's okay. We see how you feel about the Latinos. Very good.

[Brian Redban]

Very much fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on, William?

[William Montgomery]

Oh my gosh, Tony. I was in Toledo last Saturday and I get picked up and the flights are all fucked up on Saturday and then I get picked up by Lyft and it's an hour drive from the Detroit airport to the comedy club. And about five minutes into it, the guy starts doing this little cough and I start thinking, oh my gosh, this guy's sick. But I don't think too much of it. I'm just generally stressed. About 20 minutes later, I looking at the guy and his head is bobbing down like he's falling asleep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[William Montgomery]

And about 10 minutes after that, we're right beside an 18 wheeler and I see the guy's head going down and I see my eyes flash before my eyes and I'm like, oh my gosh. Well, hopefully you can take a nap after this. It looks like you're sleepy. He's like, yeah, I've been doing it since for you. I'm so, I'm tired and. But I've made it.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Wow.

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you would have crashed in that

[Brian Redban]

situation and died, what would you have thought?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would you. What would have been your first words

[William Montgomery]

to Jesus up at the gate?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. When you got to heaven, Tell us

[William Montgomery]

what would have been, Lord, you knew.

[Brian Redban]

I believe.

[William Montgomery]

Believed in your ass. I pray to you every night. I was pretty sure I was gonna go to heaven, but I was a little worried just because of things that I do in my life. I'm generally pretty good, but I just

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

look up at the light.

[William Montgomery]

You're talking to God, but thank you so much, Jesus. Again, you heard my prayers every night. You helped me out. I'm so happy to be here. Let's go in, show me around. Let me see where I'm living.

[D Madness]

I gotta.

[William Montgomery]

Hopefully it's a cool spot or whatever, but thanks so much. So happy to be Here, keep.

[Brian Redban]

I was gonna be God, but let's just skip ahead

[William Montgomery]

and. Duncan, I'm with you, dude. I can't stand H.B. i never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. Randle. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. Hold on. I'm getting word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm getting word that if you would have crashed, you actually would have ended up in hell. So.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Heath Cortez]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

So go back to the light. And. And now you're burning in hell, but Jesus is like, hey, do you want to. The red spot? How about a hand for Kino back

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

there on the lights?

[Brian Redban]

We've never even seen a red spotlight before. Didn't know it was possible. Okay, now you have to negotiate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're.

[Brian Redban]

You're begging the devil to let you out. No, no, it's the devil now. You're trying to convince the devil that you want to get out of hell.

[Tony Pepperoni]

Devil.

[William Montgomery]

Here's the deal. I grew up going to church. I'm confirmed in the Episcopal church. I prayed every night. You can ask Jesus about it. I talk to his ass every night. This is a horrible mistake. I get it. Your actions are louder than your words, and that's always what I was worried about.

[Mark Fitz]

About.

[William Montgomery]

Because I'd pray a lot, but then I'd think, oh, well, you're doing this bad stuff on the side. Jesus can see everything. And so here I am. And I'm just saying, this is a giant mistake. Please get me up out of here. I need to get out of here now. I'm not staying here.

[Brian Redban]

Unfortunately, when you were on earth, you talked about HB So you must stay here and burn forever.

[William Montgomery]

A.

[Brian Redban]

If you did find out that you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

were going to eternally burn in hell, would you ever stop trying to beg your.

[Brian Redban]

I don't think I ever stopped trying to get. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Talk space. Open phone. The tyrant of Tobas, Duncan trussell.com. he's going everywhere. Columbus, Orlando. Make some noise for our guest. Ian Finance is on tour and finance.com and Ian Finance comedy on YouTube. He's going to Chicago. Irvine Oxnard. His I. Animal 69 again. One more time for Duncan Trussell as well. Talk space up And Buntoza. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in, and it is absolutely unbelievable. Just a reminder, the band's playing New York City Blue Note right after the Madison Square Garden shows Aug. 18. On that Monday night, let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, Timmy. No breaks. After only two appearances, has left such a mark on the show that Chris is already drawing them. Incredible. I'm at Madison Square Garden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

August.

[Brian Redban]

August 15th. Right? The night before we do Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden. Columbus, August 29. Baltimore, September 12. Fort Lauderdale, September 19. Raleigh, September 20, and Phoenix, September 27. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Right? Band? Check out The Sunset Strip atx.com secret show every Thursday. We love you all. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.