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Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Craig coming to you live for the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hence, who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Oh. Oh, hell yeah. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Keep it going for the best damn band in the land. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Express V. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, Sweating Bullets. Big Mike on the drums, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And that is D Madness. Live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute scorcher. We're sitting here at 81.1 degrees Fahrenheit, 71% humidity. The AC guy is here. Make some noise for the AC Gu, Texas, late in July. Welcome, welcome. Holy shit. ACs be breaking. This is a real live show. Anything can happen. Happens everywhere. Doesn't matter how much money Spotify gives you. ACS be breaking in Texas. A good old stress test here. Today you see people fanning themselves. There's a Latina woman with an actual portable fan. I don't know how she snuck that in. They lock up phones, but I guess you're allowed to shove a portable fan up your puss. Anything can happen here. As you could tell, this is an action packed episode. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know, the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though. Let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to, vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Right band. Whether streaming a stand up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama, or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe. Remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into Amazon.comprime hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. Now I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's busy taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com hey guys, it's Christian McCaffrey, pro running back. I'm partnering with Abercrombie this season to tell you about their viral denim. All you need to know is denim should fit like this. Abercrombie's athletic fit is a game changer. They're designed for guys with an ATH build like mine. Just enough room and the perfect stretch. When a jean fits that well, I'm wearing it on repeat. Shop Abercrombie denim in the app, online and in store. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Well, well, well. You know, every single week I book the show and I can tell you with no ego, we're really doing it. Red Band. This is one of those very special nights. You guys hit the fucking comedy lottery. You did it. You did it. This is one of those big ones. Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the greatest guests in this show's history. This is indeed Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. It is hot in here. Shane Gillis, Mat A Custer. It's crazy how much hotter it is out here. It's Mike. Hey, hey, hey, guys. Two, three, four. It is unbelievably hot. Like blows. It is incredible. I don't want to bring it up because I know that, you know, you're thinking about it. The crazy thing is that the AC works well in some places. Right now the other room, which is an open mic filled with absolute bottom of the barrel peasants they are. They're chilling 69 degrees in there. The green room, 71 degrees right behind that curtain. Very, very nice. It was nice right behind there. And Matt right before we went on was like, it's not that bad. I was like, wait till we fucking walk out. This is where God has decided the heat will lay tonight. Matt, how you feeling down there? Pretty good. I'm thinking we can like alternate breathing between guys and girls every 30 seconds. We're gonna have to come up with some kind of plan. The AC guy is here. I'm gonna ask management. If anyone's listening. Wave to me before he leaves. I want an update. Maybe we can get the AC guy to agree to a quick appearance live. Live appearance. Maybe he can explain himself. Whatever we do, do not let that guy fucking leave without giving me some. I know he was just planning on another quick stop on a 6th street fucking dungeonesque bar, but he might end up in front of 5.5 million people real quick. Who gives a fuck, right? Should we harass the AC guy? Anything can happen here. You guys have been guests numerous times on the show. 305 human souls signed up for tonight's show. Matt and Shane know what the fuck is up. The bucket gets crazy. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Then you know their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. It's gonna be a lot of fun watching them truly physically sweat. Tonight they are in for the shock of their lives. I'm getting there. None of them know that the AC is broken here. So they're in a nice air conditioned bar next door right now. They're gonna be in the nice air condition back and they're gonna walk out and they're gonna think it's them. So let's have some fun before we get to that first bucket pool. I have a golden ticket winner here ready to debut a new minute of stand up comedy. We're gonna watch them all together. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian of the night. This is Martin Phillips. Every. Dang it. It's fucking hot. Holy shit. Oh my God. Okay. Growing up, I didn't have any Jewish friends. Not on purpose, but I was never invited to apartments. But I think it's too late, you know, I think people would take notice. I specifically hung out with 13 year old Jewish boys. I was like, no, I just want to party with them. It's sort of banger. But anyway, circumcision started because God told Abraham to do it. He also told him to kill his son. And he took it back as it has, so maybe he waited too long to say something. You know, he came back, he was like, oh, by the way, you know, oh, crap, you did looks great. He told everyone to do it. Uh. Oh, yeah. Okay. Martin Phillips with a brand new minute acknowledging the heat up top. How does the heat affect your condition? I just sweat like a motherfucker. Anything else? When it gets real hot, can you like straighten out your legs or anything? I think I just get heat exhaustion, I guess. Okay, so you're human other than. Yeah, I'm a heavy sweater, so I'm definitely gonna strip. Peter. Okay, heavy sweater. You're dressed for the occasion. You're one of the only people wearing shorts tonight on the grill. Yeah, you text me like 15 minutes ago, so. Okay, perfect. Nobody needed to know that, but I guess that's fine. Yeah, I needed a last second opener there, Martin, and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime. But I guess you've exposed my lack of preparation in front of the world. I didn't have time. Yeah, if he's gonna toss pants on, you gotta give him like four hours. Give me time, give me time. You gotta. On Friday. Here you go, brother. We're going to need pants by Monday. Me too. By the way, Martin, you ever have a bad experience putting on your pants? No, I. I could put them on. Okay. You know. Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah, I know, dude. You. Yeah, it was a button up shirt. They may be, but I can do, you know, it's, it's. That looks smooth as hell. That was nice. Yeah, yeah, it's better than me. I gotta like lay down. You fat. He deserves that. My joke was better, but yeah. Martin, what else has been going on in your life, man? I got sweat in my eye, my glasses are fucking up. I bought a new car myself. Yes. Wow. Not because I crashed the old one. Okay. I just needed a new car. What kind of car did you get? I got a Prius, so it's essential. I am gay. It's. I guess I want to get the same car as you have. And then I could pull up, be like, hey, twinsies. Hell yeah. And then I'd have to get a Prius just to be different and it would make sense because you gay. Right? Very good. Yes, Martin, that would be. Yep, that would be implied. Only 2m gays so far in 2 and a half minutes. This is another episode of Kill Tony. I did blend in with the others. That's the drinking game. Every time. Yeah, okay. Do you drink, Martin? Sometimes. Ari. Maddie tells us some crazy tales. That's not even true, dude. Ari's been saying shit. I'm like, I go to bed, Ari is the one out till 6am but one time I take a drunk with Ari. And yeah, I was drunk. Yes. And it doesn't make me look any more able, but doesn't it makes it worse? I think, actually, I think like, my hotel was like a block away. I had an Uber. Like, it was. I was not gonna make it there, so. Yeah. But awesome. Well, Martin, you got the show started tonight. Thank you so much. A golden ticket winner. Reigning defending Martin Phillips. Is the AC guy there, Zach? No, he's on his way down. But we do have an update incoming. We'll hold him back there while I bring up the first bucket poll of the night. You guys know how this part works, is where shit gets a little crazy because we're gonna meet somebody. Could be the next star of the show. Could be a insane person. Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. It's Daniel shepherd, everybody. Daniel Shepherd. So my birthday's coming up in a few days. I think I look great for 36. The problem with that is I'm turning 26, so that fucking sucks. I've been watching this show about guinea pigs. It's pretty funny, interesting. It's called the Sopranos on hbo. Perhaps y' all have heard of it. Another great show is Friends, but I think an even better show is Seinfeld. Because if Seinfeld is the show about nothing, that means Friends is the show about Jennifer Aniston's nipples. I forgot to equate how they were similar. I'm a little nervous. I just had some sushi recently. I just had some sushi recently over in the hood at this new place called Nigiri. Please. I ordered the unagi. What? Yeah, they didn't have a drive through, but they had a drive by. And last joke, what do you call a black lawyer? A brother in law. All right, thank you, guys. Okay. Thank God you didn't do the punchline I thought was coming there. Holy shit. I liked watching the autism bleed through. And you're like, I forgot to equate that last thing to the other. Yeah, straight to sushi. Yeah, fuck it, sushi next. So the three shows that you've been watching recently. Sopranos, Seinfeld, and friends. Yeah. Did you just get, what, a VCR player or something? How are you just starting these three decade old, thinking about these jokes? Since eighth grade, he's like, I got friends is a lot like Seinfeld. I just, you know, that was kind of the point of the joke, and I almost didn't include that. And I autistically added it, you know? Yeah. Do you remember what the correlation between the three was? Friends is like Seinfeld without any Jews. Okay. My. My father wrote that joke, helped me write that joke before he died. Wow. When did he die? 25 years ago. He died 10 months ago. Okay. Wow. How did he die? He had a lung condition. So he had connective tissue disease which paralyzed his stomach and that drained into his lungs and destroyed his lungs. And then he died in my arms. He died in my arms at home one day. What. What was. What was on the tv? It was the Roku TV in the background. Just a Roku screen. The Roku, like, damn Roku City, you know? He died gazing into the sunset. Saw one last sunset. It was Roku. How long. How long ago Was this? Like 10 months ago. Oh, shit. All right. Like, it was a. My sister's birthday was the day before. What? October 1st. October 1st. Red band. Did your. Did your sister bust into the room, like, Kramer? Like, whoa, she must not have blown out all the candles or something. Yeah, no, she was in a big fight with my dad, so she wasn't home at the time. Oh, so maybe she did blow out the candles and made a nasty little wish. Oh, yeah. I don't even think she saw him the day before. Well, I'm really. That's really horrendous, man. I'm sorry to hear that. For real. Yeah. What were they arguing about? The. Your sister and your. Your father at the time of his death. The people at home want to know. My dad. My sister was. My sister would try to attend to my dad a lot, and there was some pushback with, like, a sick guy being told what to do. What was she trying to get him to do? Oh, just like, she's just kind of up his ass kind of person. I guess my sister's a little bitchy. Oh, yeah, for sure. I don't remember. I just. I tried not to really pay attention. I just saw a lot of arguing. God damn, dude. This is like really, really, really. Yeah, you're really bringing it. Yeah, but she feels so bad. You like Star Wars? What's going on there? Let me guess. Your dad watched, now Star wars rules. That's the best sith. Yeah. Yeah. Kylo Ren could have been the best. Yeah, they ruined it. And Solo, I like. I like Ben. Yeah, for sure. Hell, yeah, man. Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm between jobs right now. I lost some life insurance from my father's death. How much. How much exactly did you get? $70,000. 70,000. Can't believe. I promise I'd never talk about that. I don't know why I just nonchalantly said that. No, you're finding the silver lining. You got 70 GS and. Yeah, it's over half over. Halfway gone. Question, did your sister get the same amount? No. Wow. Sister got cut out of the life insurance mostly. Wow. Poor thing. Wow. I feel bad for her. I mean, you just called her a. In front of 5 million people a minute ago, but now she's a poor thing. That you feel bad about. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's like that. All right. Very fun. And how much more of the 70,000 do you have left? It's been 10 months. You don't have a job. What are we at now? 25,000. 25,000. Going fast. It's going fast. So what's your plan? What type of job are you looking to get? I was into welding for a minute, but that's kind of, you know, laborious and hard to. It's hard to juggle comedy. I burned myself really bad here. And then I am looking into some kind of audio video thing. I'm really good with that filmmaking background and stuff. All right, well, there you go, Daniel. Well, welcome. Congratulations. You got up on the show. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Daniel shepherd, everybody. There he goes. Appreciate it. Oh, here's a. Here's a little joke book, Daniel. There you go. Nice catch. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting word that the man that we all want to talk to is here. I present to you for the first time in the show's history, this is the AC Guy. Wow. Wow. Look at the crowd going absolutely wild. This is incredible. A monumental moment in the history of kill Tony. 12 years and 3 months, yet we've never spoken to an AC guy live on the show before. Sir, what is your name? My name is Dean. Dean. Hell, yeah. Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. The crowd is doing their. Let's see if he actually. Did you fix it? I feel it. I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Dean. Wow. Unbelievable. Dean, tell us about it. What was the issue? So the issue was you guys tripped the smoke alarm with your smoke. Smoke machines. Oh, it was the haze. The New upgrade to the cameras. A little bit of haze. A little bit. How do we avoid that in the future? Dean, truthfully, if you're using smoke machines, probably not. Okay, we can't do it. All right, let's reset the cameras. Recalibrate the cameras to zero haze. I'm your biggest fan. There you go. Thank you. Thank you. No. Huh. Huge. This is awesome. So, Dean, how long have you been working in ac? About eight years. Eight years. Wow. You're very good at what you do. I noticed that it wasn't long that you were here. You came here about five to 10 minutes before the show started. You were able to figure it out. Eight years in the game. What's your love life like, Dean? I'm married. No, I'm married. Nice. Hell yeah. She must be a very lucky cold woman. It is pretty cold in my house, yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Well, Dean, have you ever thought about trying standup comedy? Do you like comedy? I'm about to have a. A heart attack. I love it. I love it. Well, we were all about to have heat stroke before you came around, so now we're even. Stevens. Dean, thank you so much. Make some noise for Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean. Wow, what a special episode. 82.8 degrees. For those of you wondering, we're hoping that goes down at some point. Dean, why don't you stick around until this thing starts to lower? Yeah, you might. You might want to delete that first guy. He'll be fine. Shout out to Airco Air Conditioning. Coming in and doing their job. I think that's a great plug for them. Airco here in Austin, Texas. The trusted Air condition Air Conditioning associates of Kill Tony and the Comedy Mothership. Wow. We'll see. There's a plug. It better work. God, I hope Dean doesn't get fired. No, he won't. A free ad for airco. H vac. You can get airco yourself just by going to airco.com. i'm guessing. I'm hoping here. Yeah, it's plumbing, heating and ac. It's the website about any. There we go. Air code. Yeah, go to aircomechanical.com, get yourself some AC. All right. Just save Dean's job, everybody. It's about a. It's about a thirty thousand dollar ad. Read right there. It's open 24 hours. Column 512-537-1234. Based out of Round Rock, Texas. Forty years in the business. Air co. Air conditioning, electrical and plumbing. Five stars. All right. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. Talkspace makes getting help convenient. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and you can even talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist. Get therapy and medication and all in one place. Unlike any other telehealth companies, psychiatry is available through Talkspace so you can get the medication you need to supplement your talk therapy if needed. Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a $0 copay. Now let my man Redban tell you why he loves Talkspace. My man Tony thank you Tony. I think Talkspace is amazing. They're providing the best mental health treatment out there. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get 80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com Tony and enter promo code Space80. That's S P A C E 80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to doc space.com Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though. Let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to Vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band Whether streaming a stand up special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe. Remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.comprime your next bucket pool is a one word name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul Paul Islamic Terrorism I don't get it. 72 virgins. I don't even get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. Wow. Thought this would be easier. I was so nervous backstage. This is my first time. I was so nervous backstage even after I rubbed a Couple out. That's right. I'm an assassin. I usually don't bring this up, but my family and I hunt vampires. No, we are not Van Helsing. You're not knee deep in vampires right now because of one family. I apologize. Hey, tits. You want a small joke book? Hey, T bone. All right, Paul, everybody. Very good, Paul. So clearly a fan of the show. And you, you chose to sign. This is truly your first time. Yeah. What made you want to do it like this? What made you want to pick tonight? Actually, I got injured last year and I. And I. I had to have surgery and I was off work and I wrote a screenplay and I wrote a screenplay for William Montgomery. So I'm trying to. I thought if the set was good enough. Well, if this was a taste, we need more. Can I get the elevator pitch? Yeah. Let's hear the movie. The elevation Elevator. Not the synopsis. The elevator pitch. Elevator, please. Okay. Shaquille o' Neal and Charles Barkley. Fully. The way you said Shaq Keel had me. I mean, really convinced. Saying Shaq I border with his full name. They are. Used to be partners. They were. They were private investigators, but they had a falling out 15 years ago. They hate each other and they find out their kids kept in touch and they're going to get married. They have a fight. They. They lose the ring. And then they got to chase these bikers all across the country to find the ring. They don't. They don't want to have the wedding, but they don't want to let their kids now. And they considered having them play aliens and basketball. So this is like Wild Hogs with NBA tonight. Yes. Wild Hogs meets NBA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But those are tough gets. They're phenomenal together. They're. Yeah. There's no doubt missing out. So what was the job that you had before all of this? I'm a construction worker. And you got injured on a construction site? No, I was helping someone move and A total separate injury. Is it a back injury? No, my. I snapped my distal bicep tendon, so I had to get surgery. What the fuck were you carrying? It was. I was in the wrong position. It was a tv. It was. I was just in the wrong position. A flat screen. Yeah. They're like these things. It was a plasma. And if you know anything about a huge fucking plasma. I gotta brush up on Newtonian physics. I didn't know how much the plasma weighed. My bad. Oh, my God. It's insane. So let's just take one second here to talk about the minute of comedy that you prepared Islamic terrorists. 72 virgins. I don't get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean by that? Yeah, what don't you get about it, clown? Classic. It's a classic, dude. Just out of curiosity, last question. What is Williams character in this movie that features Charles Barkley and Shaquille o'? Neal? He is a homeless wanderer, but we find out he's a fugitive. But Shaq and Chuck it. Oh, you call him Chuck now? Wow, you're so close with him. No, no, he's fine with that. He. They get mugged, and they have to enlist William to help them finish their mission. There you go. Very good. Here's a little joke book. There you go. There goes Paul, everybody. Good luck, Paul. Paul, what's your last name? What is it? All right. There goes Paul. Everybody want to have that one? Whoa. The lovely Heidi has arrived, Ladies and gentlemen, A delicious Bud Light. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everyone. Michael Scott. Oh, we're down to 81.9 degrees. Hey, I know what I look like. I know what I sound like. I hear it, too. Guys, I got the vibe of. I just got cast as Donatello in Tyler Perry's new Ninja Turtles movie. Yeah, he's the tech guy. I get it. I'm a weird kid. I was a weird kid. I had a lot of animals. I had a. I started off with two rabbits. I ended up with 14. That being said, I've seen rabbits fuck a lot, guys. It's pretty crazy. It's like one rabbit minding his own business. That was my white one. Then my black one would come hopping along, mount it, furiously fuck it for about 10 seconds, and then everyone takes off running. My question, guys. Why does rabbit sex only last 10 seconds? Is it evolution, or is rabbit pussy just as good as I think? Hell, yes, Michael Scott. Wow. Is this true? You have that many rabbits? No. Well, technically, I had guinea pigs, but rabbits fuck like crazy, so it's funnier. You know what I mean? Wow. Guinea pigs appears to be the magical word combination of the day. Really? It's been used by two out of three bucket pools in an unprecedented anomaly. So, Michael, how long have you been on stand up? Eight years. Eight years? Where at? Fresno, California? Bakersfield, California. Wow. Is that where you still live? No, I'm out here. Yeah, I've been here since December 30th last year. Nice. Awesome. What do you do for work? I Work valet at Hotel Ella. And I just got a new job two months ago at Benefast. I deliver construction equipment to sites. Awesome. Yeah, absolutely incredible. Michael Scott, what do you do for fun? I used to train mma. I play poker, watch movies, video games. I got cats. How many cats do you have? Three. Three cats. What are their names? Whiskey Waffles. Those are my two girls. And I got Tanooki. He's the boy. Yes. How's cat? Everything I dreamed of. It's incredible. How many guinea pigs did you have at the. Yeah. 14. You had 14? Started with two and they just kept it. Got to the point where I was selling them back to the. The pet store. Wow. Yeah. Just a bunch of inbred, angry guinea pigs. Yeah. Incredible. How old were you when you had these guinea pigs? 12 ish. So you were living with your parents? Hell yeah. What were they saying about all the guinea pigs? They get the guinea pig. Boy, you better get the guinea. All right, now. What did they say? Oh, the police are on their way. I saw. I saw an opportunity. Everybody relax. Guys, relax. These kitty pig. Man, your bedroom be stinking. Michael. It did. All right. It did. It did stink. It did. This is what they said, right? Yeah. Did they kind of sound like that or did they speak perfect, perfect American English like you? They're. Oh, my mom. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. She sounds like me, just not like a guy. Perfect. Yeah. Northern California black. So you had how many of those. How many of those guinea pigs were in your room at once? So you did have. So you had 14 in your room. Yeah. And you were jacking off in there in front of 14 guinea pigs. How many times do you jack off in front of 14 guinea pigs? A lot. So many. I perform better in front of a crowd. What can I say? You could hear them. You had to be able to hear him while you were jacking off. They. You're like, whiskey, be quiet. Yeah. Michael Scott's trying to jack off around here. My mom accidentally killed four of them once, though. How did she do that? She's not going to like that. When I was. She's going to be much madder at my impression of her than. I think you're right. I was at school one day and I had had one. I had them in four, three separate cages. And she took one of the cages because she said it was a hot day, so she wanted to give him some air. So she took the cage and put it outside in the hot sun. She killed them on purpose. I think I had three too many. Yeah, One survived, though. You had a lot of guinea pigs. Yeah. If you were my son, I would have. Yeah, Yeah. I would have put those. Bag those guinea pigs in a bag and gotta smack them. That's good. Stop watching my son Jackal, you perverts. That's why I got him. Behold. Behold my son. My children. Did you bury the dead? Yeah. Where? Where you bury them? Backyard. Nice. Yeah. What type of. You know, you put up like a monument to them? A shoe box. They weren't even shoes. They were like pumas, too. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't put anything above ground to no commemorate? No. Not around. Give a. About them hoes? I didn't. I was a kid. I didn't know tombstones were. You know. Right, right. Definitely. The one that survived didn't have any special powers or. He was. He was the first one. He was the. He started the whole thing. His name was Hammy. Hammy? Yeah. Hampton J. Guinea Pig was his name. Wow. Wow. What did the J stand for? Jenkins. Jew. Oh, Jew. Okay. I love it. Michael. He was Jewish. I don't. What's. Were the other hamsters Jewish? In this mass genocide? Yeah. I ran a guinea pig concentration camp. They could not survive the mama cost. Oh, man. Wow. Mama cost. Did she ever explain herself why she really. She said it was hot on the inside. You know what? Honestly, if there were 14 guinea pigs in this room when I got here tonight, I would have sat four outside in a cage, too. Thank goodness for Dean from Airco Air Conditioning Company. Well, well, hold on. Let's see. It's still hotter than hell in here. We need to bring Dean back and kill him. Put him outside, put him in the cage. Yeah. Michael, I'd love to have you back on the secret show, man. Thank you. Here's the big joke book. Michael. Michael Scott. Fantastic. Eczema isn't always obvious, but it's real. And so is the relief from Ebglis. After an initial dosing phase, about 4 in 10 people taking EBGLIS achieved itch relief and clear over or almost clear skin at 16 weeks. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year. With monthly dosing. 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Bucket pool number four. This is is definitely a new name and I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Yoshika Gonzalez. Yoshika Gonzalez. Oh, okay. One more time for Yoshika everybody. Hi. A little bit about me or whatever. I'm having a sale on my onlyfans. Yeah, so for 30 cents a day you can help a short bitch pay her rent. No, I am a sex worker and I figured it's actually better than dating cause I usually date white men and that's a fucking pyramid scheme. So they just, they just do weird shit like lie first of all, drink Mountain Dew and prioritize themselves. I don't. I'm just too Latina for that, you know? No you don't. Yeah, I'm too Latina for that. Cause I'm like, sucking dick, you know, washing the dishes, and in return, they make me keto fucking pancakes. Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell, yes. So many questions. Let's begin. One of Mike Scott's guinea pigs survived. Made it all the way down here. Excuse me. No, it's not about you. No, I gotta. I. I have a serious question. When you do your sex work, you get picked up in front of the Home Depot. Just kidding. No, but when you do your sex work, you go to the Home Depot, don't you? Whoa. Sounded like a burn zero. That's what you get, dude. You come at the. You come at the queen. You best not miss Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell, yeah. You are definitely a specific type. Do you. Do you. Do they. Is this a condition? Is there a label for this? Are we challenged? No. You look like a tall midget. Oh, you look like a. I'm. Yeah. I don't know. I'm a shorty. They used to be short back in the day, in the 60s, you know? I don't know what's going on now. Okay. Okay. Yoshika, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy? For a year now. It's my last resort into screenwriting. Oh, you gotta team up with Paul. Yeah. This is wild. The new Farley Brothers. Yeah, this is a special episode. We have two. Two screenwriting references and two guinea pig references, and somehow they're all mashing together right here with Yoshika Gonzalez. Yoshika is an interesting name. What does that mean? How do you end up with a Japanese name? It's. I was named after a Japanese film camera. Yoshika. I don't know. You don't know? I don't know. My dad used to say different shit. Like a hooker one time. Hey. Called a shot, cashier a book, and then. Then he told the truth, I guess. 38 cents. You said 30. 30 cents. 30 cents a day. Is that real? 30 cents. Is that legal? UNICEF? Mathematically, yeah, I think so. Okay. What do you do on this? Only Fans. Exactly. I haunt people's laptops. I don't know. I twerk. All right, I do. I do like anime costumes and degrade. Guys decorate. Pick rate. You've crossed the line. That's too much. Don't do it. Don't you dare. There's a lot. There's a lot. There's a lot. How long have you been on Only Fans? Since the pandemic, when the strip clubs closed temporarily. So you were a stripper up to the pandemic? What was your Stripper name? Easy question. Impossible to forget. There's been a bunch. You know, Jenna was a good one. A lot of people in Austin back in the day. Jenna. Okay. Anything crazy ever happen at the strip club? Any wild stories? No. Okay. Same old, same old. You close with your parents? Not right now. Not at the moment. Why do you think you're not close with your parents? I didn't think this was a therapy session. Well, welcome. I'm not trying to be rude. Hey, you're the one with your backstory, lady. I'm just following up here. Do you think your dad subscribes to your only fans? I mean, 30 cents a day, why wouldn't you check in on your little Dardar? You know what I mean? It's a real live show, everybody. I don't think so. No, he said he does it. He said he never loved me. Never will. Ever did. Perfect. I think we're good then. Was this a long time ago or, like, kind of recent? Was this a pandemic? Two years ago? Two years? During the Panda. Everyone lost their mind during the pandemic. It's not a big deal. Well, that's not nice. Yeah. I'm sorry. That's all right. It's okay, guys. We're here now. Yeah, somewhere. For what it's worth, I think you're worth more than 30 cents a day. Okay. Yeah, definitely. How much are you making a month on Only fans? Oh, God. $4 and 12. Yeah, you're killing it. And you're making. I'm making my 20 bucks. A thousand bucks. Oh, that's awesome. Okay, how do you get everything else? How do you pay your bills if you're only making your rent? Spot on. From the monthly Only Fans. What else are you doing to make money on the side? Okay, Red band, that is out of control. That is rude. That is out of line. Redb don't do oral, but sick. Wow. Yeah, actually, subscribers went off the charts with that one. That explains why the white guys you've been with just lie and drink Mountain Dew all the time. If you want some odds, honest answers, you gotta. No, I sell vintage. I sell vintage. Oh, cool. On the markets, outside, in the heat. I do actual work. I do AV work, too, but, you know, they hire the guys. Ass in vagina. Is that. Is that one of the vintage shirts you're wearing? No, this one. I was gonna say, it's a cool shirt. Thank you. Yeah. Is it vintage underwear, like your used ones or something that you sell? Red band. Red band. That's trying to run a program for 30 cents a day. Let's get back to this shop. For a penny, you can get her 30 cents. I mean, it's $7 a month divided by 30. I don't know. Oh, okay. All right. I see. A day. Yes. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. That is how they get you. Because I was already. I subscribed under the table, said 30 cents. This is. Come on. Adds up quick D. I'd be losing money not doing it. I don't. I don't get out of bed for a hundred cents. What are we talking here? But you're doing great. You're gonna be making a lot more money after this. I'm sure there are a lot of people watching online right now. Any other last pitches for your onlyfans that you would like to give to the people out there? There's many, many men. Or are you trying to. Trying to help her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just barely making her rent. Yeah, I mean, I have a wish list, but I just have, like, a printer on there. No one will buy it. I'll get you a fucking printer. Shane's gonna buy her a printer. I promise. Yoshika, here's the little joke book. Okay, ready for it. Boom. You got it. Wow, she caught it. You're going that way. Hey, nice to meet you. There she goes. Back through where you came. Yoshika, everybody. There's Heidi. Yum, yum, yum. Time for another golden ticket winner, everybody. This young lady won hers maybe a little less than a year ago. She's fantastic. Works here. Works on Kill. Tony, make some noise. A brand new minute from Aya, everybody. It's I, everyone. Some people don't trust Muslims. I get it. Whatever. Me personally, I don't trust Jehovah Witnesses. I feel like some Jehovah Witnesses are just registered sex offenders who got really, really, really nervous at the last second. Like they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did, which is. It's tough, you know, I molested a child. That's so. You know, they go, knock, knock. Who's there? Have you heard of the child that was touched by God? Jesus Christ? He's like, why is your parole officer here? It's like, don't worry about that. I don't know. I feel like we treat registered sex offenders so interesting in this country. Like, we make them live so far from elementary schools, but distance only makes the heart grow fonder. Boom. Aya, fantastic. Great pedophile joke. Okay, thanks. What's up? Hey, guys. How you doing? How's it been going, Aya? It's good. It's kind of warm in here. Yeah, I put on a jacket, so when I take it off, I feel cooler. Oh, look at that. A little reverse psychology on pure heat. Yeah. Okay. How are you guys? That's good. I gotta be honest, you're. This is good. Yeah. Everything going good? Yeah, everything's good. Yesterday, huh? No, no, no. So, yeah, every single person that's come up here is just. My dad died, my dad hates me. Yeah. Things are bad. Yeah. No. You guys didn't even hear what happened with my dad. Oh, what happened? Is he good? Die and give you that jacket. Where is he? No, Yesterday I taught him that you have to boil pasta and water. What was he doing before? He didn't know about that. How is he cooking pie? Because you're dead. He doesn't cook. He just learned. I just taught him yesterday. Well, okay, so he's alive. That's fine. Yeah, he's alive. Sounds like he's thriving. Sounds like he's still learning. Yeah. Yeah. Learn something new every day, so that's good. Where's he at? Where do you. Where are you from? I'm from Dallas. All right. But my family's from Africa. What? Yeah, I'm Moroccan. Nice. Yeah, nice. Hell, yeah. What was your dad doing with those noodles? Eating. Eating the noodles. Just wanted raw, hard noodles. Well, no, I. I boiled them for. For him. And yesterday he came and he was like, oh, so that's how you do it? He said he's always seen people make pasta, but he never paid attention. He's just been sitting on the floor. Indian Sally. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. That's good. All right. Amazing. Aya, what else is going on? Anything else crazy? I recently. I had a weird dream the other day. I had a dream that there was this girl and she was really young. She was like 17, 16. And she was like, in a trap house. And I didn't know what to tell her to get out of the trap house, so I just told her girls like you end up fat in their 20s. And she left. I got her at the trap house. Wow. Hey, give it up for her and her dream. Yep. The fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's just my life. Yeah, no doubt about it. It's just the truth. Well, great new minute, Aya. Favorite pedophile joke of the day? Without a doubt so far. One more time for Aya. Everybody back to the bucket. We go. Three ladies in a row. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's Jenny Rodriguez, everyone. Jenny Rodriguez. I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently. It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the courts had deemed mentally incapacitated. This was a man who was intellectually disabled. And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight. Able bodied women are having sex with retards. I know I am. I love him. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my pic. You guys heard that? Partner in crime pic. But I'm Mexican, so that would make me his spic. Spic. It's Texas. Do you want me to spell that out for you guys? We actually just saw the Fantastic Four movie. I gave a hand job during it. I guess you could call it a Fantastic Five. Boo, boo, boo. That's been my time. I've been Jenny Rodriguez. Jenny Rodriguez. Welcome to the show. Jenny. Have you been on before? I have a couple times. What do we find out the other times you were on about you. I hate to throw this out here, but I work in a tire shop. Whoa. Hell yeah. Amazing. I'm engaged. That's pretty much it from the last two times. Yeah. What does your man do? What's his name? He works at Jared Jewelers. He's a jeweler. Oh, wow. Oh, we did pro wrestling. That was another thing that we did. Right now. We just finished clown school, actually. Okay. So that's another good choice. Yeah. You learned stuff at clown school? Did I learn this stuff at clown. No. Did you learn a lot of stuff? Oh, I. I really did, actually. I learned how to do, like, balloon animals. Do you have any balloons on you? I wish I did. I. I literally thought about bringing my skirt, but. Is there anything you could do in the clown world right now? If John played some clown music and we gave you a spotlight. One, two, three, four. Oh. Oh, nothing. Okay. I need props. I do a lot of, like, gimmick. I do, like, some magic tricks, but I'm not, like, really good, you know, it's all very sleight of hand stuff. What if somebody has a condom? Can you do something with a condom as a red band? Thank you so much. You're no. Great. No. Yeah, great. Thank you. Red band. Nobody here has a condom, dude. It's not the 80s. Jenny Rodriguez. So how's Stand up been going for you? Stand up been going pretty well the last few months. I've been focusing on clown school ironically, but I've been, you know, hitting mics Going to shows, just trying to do what I can around here. It is a little more difficult, I think, finding a good clique around here compared to where I was last before I moved here. I came from South Bend area. Oh, go Irish. Are you a fan of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish? Definitely not, bro. Yeah, Notre Dame or like Notre Dame? Yeah. Insane clown. Bossy sucks dick. Football rules. I love sports. There you go. Well, Jenny, congratulations. You got picked for another minute. You've been on the show multiple times. There she goes. Jenny Rodriguez, everybody. We're gonna keep flying through it. Here we go. On to the next one. It's cooling down. We're at 80.4 degrees. We are around the corner from the 70s, everybody. This next bucket bulls from the inside. Make some noise for Chuli Joy. Chuli Joy from the inside. Is that right? Real? Oh, wow. The furthest possible seat in the entire venue. Literally can't make it up, everyone. How perfect. It's great. Awesome. You would think we would coordinate this better that someone signs up and they don't sit in the seat that's 97 seconds away from the front tire. Season two out now on Netflix everybody. Madison Square Garden. Coming up this week, the 15th we do stand up. The 16th we do kill Tony. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Open Phone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. 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I love a no brainer. That's why I've been working with you for so long. OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off our your first six months@openphone.com Kill Tony. That's O P E N P H O-N E dot com. Kill Tony. And if you have existing numbers with another service, Open Phone will port them over at no extra charge. Open Phone. No missed calls, no missed customers. Make your next move with American Express business Platinum. Earn 5 times Membership Rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels booked on amextravel.com and with a welcome offer of 150,000 points. After you spend $20,000 on purchases on the card within your first three months of membership, your business can soar to new heights. Terms apply. Learn more@americanexpress.com Business Platinum AmEx Business Platinum. Built for business by American Express. Where the fuck is this fucking inside bucket pool? Thanks so much for Chuli Joy, everyone. So I have pretty bad luck on dating apps. Like, I literally don't get any matches, and I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has. So one day I was like, let's see him. He's on Grindr and he's got tons of matches. That's kind of like a weird flex. But then it dawned on me. If I was gay, a lot of my problems would disappear. Like, I wouldn't be as lonely. I would have better fashion sense, and I'd be in great shape. Because you have to be strong to fuck a dude, right? It's like fucking a bear. And then even jacking off in the mirror would be better. Like, come on, guys, dial in. All right, you're jacking off in the mirror, and there's a hot dude jacking off to you in the mirror, right? You start going faster, he starts going faster, right? And then you jack off and you bust a nut, and then this dude who's been jacking off to you for 25 minutes bust a nut to you busting a nut. Pretty fucking awesome if you're gay, right? Thank you. Truly, Joy, welcome back. I like that you say jacking off would be in the mirror. Would be better if you're better. As if you do jack off in the mirror. Have you ever? No. Look at me. I don't want to see this. Do you jack off of them? No, I don't. But 25 minutes is crazy. That is crazy. You gotta milk it, dude. Like, I'm not trying to bust another and not be worth it, dude. Jack it off in the mirror for 25 minutes, bro. Don't knock it until you try it. Well, I will. 25 minutes is what stands out about that material. Do you really extend your jack off experience for that Long. Yeah, when I do jack off, I definitely milk it, but I try not to. When you say milk it, are you implying guys? All right, whatever. I'm weird. Okay, so you, you, you last 25 minutes with yourself when I do it. Yeah, I try. When you're about to come, what do you picture? What do you mean, dude? Well, like you're saying that you're edging, right? So like, how do you stop yourself? Something that turns you on. Huh? And then you like get ready and then you just ride that wave until you are ready to bust a nut. And then you plan on killing Bart Simpson. Yeah. And you spend the rest of the night watching out for Rakes on the Ground or Party Rock, whatever. Either one. Either one. What do you tend to watch when you're jerking off? Truly, Joy, honestly, I have a pretty vast spank bank. So, like I just. What are some of the wilder categories? Yeah, what are some of the weirder things? Things that you're into? I'm into. I like like Dom sub stuff, you know, DS you got. You know about that? Who's this? I've heard of it. Are you a Dom or a sub? I'm a dom. Whoa. Oh, dude, I'm already subbing out to you right now. This is crazy. Yeah, we're all sitting down in your dominoes, dude, you can't dominance like this while we're sitting down, bro. Sorry. Tony, give him a big notebook right now. Get rid of this. Dom. Dad. Daddy. Yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever done, Dom Wise? In real life, picturing you in like a pig mask with your hair hanging out and everybody being like, well, we know who that is. I was living in LA and I was like going to these parties and it was pretty crazy. They were like, they're like, we're gonna film this. And I was like, I was like, I don't want to be filmed. Right? And they're like, put on a mask. No one's gonna know who you are. And I'm like, yeah, no one's gonna know the tall ass dude with afro and blue eyes. But I just had them filmed behind me. But I just had like this girl and they were like, had all these toys. I like you. I like using my own parts and my hands and stuff. But yeah, they had like all these crazy toys. So we did that stuff and I was just like, I. I would find myself like an open minded person, you know, you work with your hands. Yeah, I'm working with. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, it's toy You're a hands man. How are you doming, though? Like, where was the dom? You got your cheeks. It's like sounding kind of sub. I'm not exactly to do. You're. You're in charge, you know, like there's some dudes that like, want the girls to take control and, you know, like, I want to be in control. For sure. I'm in control. Oh, you like that dude ever again? How dare you, D, my friend. You watch out, Shane. I'll dump you guys. Come up here. Don't D me. I'm coming over there. I can't believe you're not doing good on dating apps. CEO. You're a handsome fella. You know you. Yeah, man. God damn. You know. What do you do for work? I work in av. Freelance. Wow. Mostly. Yeah, I know. I heard everyone saying that. Yeah, I've done some catering jobs since I moved here. Okay. Yeah. They make you wear a hair net? They. They make me pull my hair back in a ponytail. Yep. Damn. Yeah. It looks different. It's up. It disappears. Intense eye contact. Yeah. How about for fun? What do you do for fun? I like going to White Horse. I've been practicing two step, like learning. I like Barton Springs. I go there almost every day. Nice. You find anybody Dom out there? Yeah, a little bit. A little bit? Yeah. Dude, the girls out there are freaky. Yeah. Whoa. And what's your love life like? I don't have a girlfriend here, but I have like a lover on the East Coast. You have a lover on the East Coast? She's my sub. Jesus. What'd you do? Texas, bro. Like, you get some, bro. Get the out of here, yo. Oh, sorry. Yo. What the. Dude, you're so horny and angry. What's his name? I'm like, bro, come on now. He said what's his name? Hilarious. I mean, what's his name? What's his name's a classic. Yeah, I have a lover on these. What's your sub doing right now? She's probably sleeping. Honestly, she'll wake her up. Wake up? Yeah. A real Dom would wake her up. Yeah. Damn, bro. I'm gonna call her after this. No, we're not going to. We're gonna keep it moving along. Truly Joy. There he goes. Thank you, guys. There goes Truly Joy, everybody. Hell yeah. There he goes, everyone. All right. Fist bumps for the Dom. Julie. Joy. I thought he was pretty funny up there. All right, this looks like a fun name and a new name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Mighty Mike, everyone. Mighty Mike. Okay. All right. Man, that last comic looked like Kalido from wwe. Didn't he? What it's like to be cool. Nah, man. Man, I'm about to quit comedy, man. This shit don't make no money in this motherfucker, man. I'm broke, man. I'm so broke, man. I can't even be racist with my laundry. That's how broke I am. I got. I feel like that's the last white racist activity. White and blacks set apart, buddy. I put the whites first. I'm black. I put the blacks first, nigga. That's what the fuck. Yeah, man. I hear mixing leftovers and shit. I made Jamaican food the other day. Rice and pasta. Call it rasta. Nigga, that's Bumble Clock. Nah, man. Oh, man. Tritz. Yeah. Okay. That's the male right there. All right. That's a cat, man. That's okay. All right. Mighty Mike, slightly having a mental breakdown towards the end of his set there. Got me. That's funny. Mighty Mike, welcome back. You've been on this show before? Yeah, baby. I'm Nigerian. Talk into the microphone there. We have mics here in America with the shots. So what were you saying? Go ahead, say no. I said, I'm Mike IO, baby. Yeah. I put Mighty Mike. That's my stage name. Mighty Mike. I put that on there today. And I was. I was on here last time, right? No, I was. Shame, man. Man, respect, bro. I respect you, bro. Never mind. I thought I was. No, you wasn't. You wasn't. Oh, all right. Well, maybe. Yeah, maybe I am actually, actually racist. You got up here. I was like, oh, I remember. I was like, he's very good. We. We know. Mike, Mike, relax, relax. So tell us what's been going on, Mike. You said you're broke. What do you do for work? Oh, I just got a new job at FedEx. The last time I was at Amazon. Okay, you're just still delivering packages? Still delivering packages, yes. The packages don't talk. So the packages don't talk. What do you mean by that exactly? I used to be in the office. I used to work in the office and offices. People talk a lot, huh? But when you. Now you're driving the truck. Yep. And you're dropping off the packages? Dropping them off, taking photos. How long. How long you been doing that for? As far as dropping packages off again, I started with Amazon. I was like. Got the Amazon thing. We're talking about FedEx. How long is like two weeks. So two weeks? A week. A week. A week. A week. So how do you do? Do you have any specific style? Has anything crazy happened yet? Do you? No, no, I'm still training right now. And N. Still training? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, they still got me training. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What have you learned so far? Man, you gotta put the packages where the white people want them. Cause they'll, they'll type up that review, man, next thing you know. All right, you gotta keep them right where the black people can still get em. Hey, I help my niggas out. I was in the hood today. I was in the hood today, you know, I help my out. I, you know. Hey, come quick. Brian, get your shit. Okie dokie, Mighty Mike. How about for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up, man? When I'm done doing stand up, man, think about how black people could be better. That's what I think about same. What have you come up with exactly? We've been wondering the same thing, so you go right ahead. You know, I was chilling in my balcony the other day, man, blowing the trees, and I was like, man, the head nod thing that black people do, man, we need to get rid of that. No, it's nice. I mean, we got to say speak words, man. Hi. Hi. Hello. Well, if you do it like that, that's gonna be a problem. If I was walking by and the black guy was like, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. No, you know, you gotta smile. You know what's up. Exactly. The head thing's nice. I am head thin traumatized, man. I am head thin traumatized. Oh yeah, you're for and are. You're from Nigeria? I was born and raised in Nigeria, yes. Now you came here and you're so telling the black Americans they're not doing it right. What? Tell them to pull their pants up. I get it, you know, I mean, yeah. What else is on this list? Pants up. So what else is on your list of how they can do better? Number two on the list. Number two, man. Pay bills. Wow. N could pay bills, bro. For real, for real. Like when I had a lot of money, I used to pay my bills. I was like, white man, just paying my bills on time. Okay. I'm a little, I don't got it like that no more right now. So I'm dodging too. I'm being black, right? Juking the bill collectors. Sunrise death. Who is that? They call me at six in the morning every time. Sunrise them. I gotta tell you, this isn't a Rachel problem. This is. Yeah, this is a me problem, huh? No, no. Well, yeah, whoever the individual is. Yeah. Okay, but we've all been there. Yeah. What do you owe money for? What are some of your debts? I know right now I owe. I owe Charter Charter Communications. Right now, man. I owe him about 300. Who the is that? Yeah, what's that shot of communication Spectrum. Spectrum, my bad. Spectrum. Spectrum, okay, wait, you have cable or is that Internet? No, Internet, man. Come on. Don't you know Matt, man? Cable. Whoa, that's expensive. Okay. Do you have kids? No. No kids yet, man. Bro, how old are you? I just don't. 35. So how do you think you've avoided having kids? Man, I pull out game real good, man. I ain't gonna lie, bro. Explain to us what's your. What's your method? Bro, I feel the pit. Like when you're about to bust a nut, you get a pee feeling. That's the sign that God give you first. Like, hey, hey, man, it ain't piss. It's the other one. Just take it out and you bust. And I listen to that voice and I nut right on her. And that's how I'm able to dodge that shit. Wow, man. I don't know how niggas miss that pee feeling, man. Child support. Support, not me. Do you see, like, a big figure of your father in the sky? And James, just like, pull out now, sir. Racism. I'm just playing. I'm playing, I'm playing. No, my dad's still around, man. He's still. He, He. He around. Is he in Nigeria? No, no, no, he here. Where is he exactly? He's in Minnesota. Okay, and what's he doing up in Minnesota? What does a Nigerian do in Minnesota? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. He take walk. Really? He fights? Yeah, he's at the Mall of America. For real. They be with my dad, man. They don't know my dad. OG man. He speaks Italian too, so he could talk to the mob. No way. Yes. Wow. And it's true that Nigerians and Somalians don't get along. I mean, I with them, but you know, when they start picking that halah. Hala sukuk. I'm. I'm out of there. Whoa, bro. Whoa, sukuk? What that mean? What's your least favorite thing about the Somalians? The what? Nothing. Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator, Mighty Mike. You have a refrigerator, right? You have your own fridge? Yeah, I got a fridge. That's the craziest thing we would find if we opened up your refrigerator. Right now some spinach and broccoli. Because I could eat healthy. No fried chicken. Wow. Incredible. Does that bring you any other points? Do you get any special powers when you eat the spinach or broccoli? You know, man, I, I, I, I do, I do do in the morning, like, okay, the dookie come right on time in the morning. Okey dokey. All right. Red dance. All right. Fun stuff. There goes Mighty Mike. You already have a big joke book. I already got one. There he goes on to the next one. Yes, sir. Appreciate you. Thank you. Lowes knows when you're looking for reliability, the right brand makes all the difference. And now Lowes is the exclusive home improvement retailer for the Whirlpool water treatment line, including their WI FI softener under sink filtration system and more. With Whirlpool's proven performance and our everyday low prices, better tasting, better quality water is within reach. Shop pro. Trusted brands like Whirlpool and more in store or online, Lowe's, we help you save. Prime delivery is fast. How fast are we talking? We're talking puzzle toys and lick pad. Delivered so fast you can get this puppy under control fast. We're talking chew toys at your door without really waiting. Fast. Pee pads, cooling mat, peg, timer. Fast and fast. And there's training. T R E A T s faster than you can say sit. Fast. And now we can all relax and order these matching hoodies to get cozy and cute. Fast. Fast. Free delivery. It's on. Prime. Ladies and gentlemen, it has happened. 79.9 degrees, everybody. We've hit it. We are officially in the 70s. In this, the hottest episode of Kill Tony ever. Shane's gotta pee. Shane's going pee. Which means I'm just gonna bring up your next comedian. Make some noise for Shea Phillips, everybody. Shea Phillips. Oh, shit. So I know what y' all thinking right now. What the fuck is this fake ass kimbo slice doing up here? Trying to make me laugh and shit. Supposed to be in the cage beating the shit out of people. What the fuck? Recently, I've been trying to get back into dating. And I've been kind of struggling. I realize I struggle because I take words a little too literally. Like, I don't like when women call me daddy. Cause something deep inside me, something deep in my DNA, just makes me want to leave them. I don't know. It's like. It's like every time she says, ooh, daddy, I'm like, you know what? We all the milk. I'll be right back. Come on. She's like, you're lactose intolerant. I'm like, shit, man, would you look at that? I'll get some new ports. I'll be right back. You don't smoke. I'm like, listen, bitch, you're gonna be here on draft day, all right? You're going to the NFL. You know, a lot of people give me stupid ass questions sometimes. They ask you like, shayla, Wayne, what's your favorite workout? Like shoulder press, chest press, bench press. I'm like, bitch, I am depressed. The fuck? Why do you think I work out somewhere much? Yeah. Shay Phillips, welcome to the show. Shay. This is your first time on? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing standup? About three, four years now. Three or four years. Where at? Houston, Texas. Okay. That was what I was going to guess. Yeah. Hell, yeah. What do you do for work in Houston? I'm a machinist. Whoa. Okay. What kind of machinery are we talking about? My biceps. Wow. Incredible. But seriously, what kind of machines do you work with? Cnc? I don't know. I just. Just. I just press buttons and. Dog. Okay, awesome. Sounds professional as hell. Yeah. And you don't have kids? No, not that I know of. You have a girlfriend? Nah. You're just single? Running machines. What do you do for fun? I like, lift weights. I like to choke people. I do jiu jitsu and. You do jiu jitsu? Yeah, man. Wow. Okay. Like to eat a lot of food? Yeah, you know. What do you like to eat? Barbecue. Barbecue what? Chicken. Very good. You just won the game, everybody. You got out of me. Hell yeah. Shay, how often do you come to Austin, Texas to sign up for the show? First time. First time? Yes, sir. Look at you. You got lucky. Incredible. Is that one of the dogs? I'm sorry, that is. You remember Lamar? Lamar. You look good, bro. Yeah. You're in La Mer. This is La Scarer. Hey, I'm just saying this is the last thing you want. La Mer got some hgh. Some trt? Hell yeah. Okay, Shay. Craziest thing that's happened to you at the gym. Anything ever stand out to you? Any white women ever accuse you of staring at them or something like that? No. But I did have an old white lady who tried to kidnap me one time. Ooh. Tell us all about it. Well, I'm at the gym and. And she goes, oh, well, I just need help getting out to my car, getting blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, lady, I don't work here. But instead she starts dragging me outside and. And she's like, I can't carry this by myself. Get inside the car. I'm like, hold up. You think she was trying to have sex sex with you? I think she only pick a bunch of heavy for it. I'm like, nah, dog, you know? Yeah, you heard Juneteenth. Yeah. Emancipation proclamation. I'm for you. Absolutely. What? What did she want you to pick up for herself? Yeah, she was a fat. What you expected. Oh, was she fat? Yeah. Yeah. Shucks. That could Try to get me. That could have been great. How old? Old enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old enough that you would be, like, old enough for a 401k. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why'd you hesitate? I'm stupid. I want a T. Doing comedy, you probably do the right thing, actually. I don't know. I could have had a better life, man. Yeah. Interesting. Shay, what's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting about you? You ever save anyone's life, accomplish anything? Any big awards or anything like that? Let's see. The craziest thing I ever did in my life. Dude. When I was in the military, there was a kid that was trying to walk home, but it turns out that this island, like, it floods like crazy. And so as the kid's walking, like, his face is, like, seeing his face out the water and stuff. So I basically had to carry the motherfucker home. He didn't drown. Where was this? At the Marshall Islands. Wow. Yeah. And what exactly what branch of the military were you in? I was in the navy. And what did you do exactly, in the navy? I was in the construction forces. I was a mechanic. Okay. Wow. Look at you helping someone else not drown. Absolutely amazing. I had to pass the swim test, dog. Yep. Look at that. Okay, Shay. Three or four years in Houston, your first time on. Very fun. And here is. Oh, we don't have any mediums. I guess you're getting a big one. There you go. Shea Phillips. Boom. Shay Phillips. Yeah, bro. Oh, I did that one quick. Huh? Oops. Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi. This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. We went close there. Yeah. How many people like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Are you sure they do. Almost everyone's doing bad. Yeah, they like it. This is. It is hot. It is hot. Yeah. No doubt about it. For those of you watching on the Internet, congratulations. This is the episode to be in the air conditioning. If it was cold, we'd be killing. Yeah, it would be a whole different episode. It's crazy, but, you know, it happens sometimes. Sometimes. Every once in a great, great while. Okay. Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian. You guys having fun out there still? Do we care about how hot it is in the room? Make some noise for Nate Ortiz, everyone. Nate Ortiz. I've been on all the apps lately. I know. I've been on Tinder, Bumble, Doordash, Just looking For Love and McNuggets at this point, you know, I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's giving me Subway, you know, just want to watch Smackdown, dude. I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out the two women I match with look just like me. Same facial hair and everything. It got to the point I had to ask my buddies for advice. I'm like, hey, man, how do I get better matches? How do I beat this algorithm? They're like, dad, you should start losing some weight, bro. You starting to look like a Puerto Rican mob from the back. So I said, wepa, dude. So I updated my Tinder profile. I said, from the front, I look like if Hagrid started a twitch channel. But from the back, dude, looks like I'm washing dishes while salsa dancing. Thank you, Nate Ortiz. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, for a very first time. Awesome. How long you been on standup? Five years in Houston. Wow, you're from Houston too, huh? Did you know Shay? I'm sorry? Did you know Shay? I know Shay. We're actually the same weight. Wow. His personal trainer. All right, fuck you guys. Dude, it's real. Nate, what do you do for work? I actually just got laid off Saturday. Yeah, I was working countries in shambles. Yeah, I've noticed that. They found out that I actually wasn't white and I was fully Puerto Rican, and they let me go. Where was this job? I was selling Samsung phones. Not at like, a. That's a mostly Puerto Rican job. Our clientele is very Middle Eastern, very Nigerian. A lot of haggling. I'm not good with it. Haggling, Nigerians? I don't even know how to spell the word. So I just gave them a good deal. You do have the ass of a phone store manager. I'm surprised I let you go. I did work at T Mobile. That's actually the most Hispanic thing about me. It's crazy. So why exactly did they let you go? Oh, I was very late three times. Why? Why were you late? I did. I did coke till 7am Ah, there it is. Yeah. That's why you're shaped like that. Yeah. Yeah. The mixture of bad food and cocaine has you shaped like I say, good decisions, but okay. Huh? What's the most fun that you've ever had on cocaine until 7am My cocaine song is actually you can call me Al by Paul Simon. And I like listening to it in tighty whities, but. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. You do cocaine by yourself? Oh, it's the best. I don't have to share with nobody. Yeah, I've been there, brother. I just lost my job. Tony, I can't. You get home, you go, Oh, I still have some left from the party. Now it's time to keep going. They jack off in the mirror. That's a good time till like 9:00am, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. It's a real negative experience. Yeah. But for a while, it's awesome. When you're in your underwear dancing to Paul Simon. Yeah, it's pretty great. That's a good time. Whatever. You had a great special on YouTube. Thank you, man. It's incredible how much you look like an unhealthy version of one of my friends. Philip, can you come down here? I want to do a side by side of you and my friend Philip. Where's Philip at? Tony, the cocaine. I actually lost like 60 pounds, dude, so this is the healthiest I've been in years. We're gonna do it well. Incredible. How much do you. Are you still doing a lot of cocaine? Oh, yeah. I was doing it a lot earlier. Earlier? Hell yeah. You want. You need bunny bump? No, no, I'm good. Permanently good. Do you have a bump? Nope. All right. I don't do it. How long? How do you afford it if you're out of a job? I'm not even really a comedian. I do the shows for the pay and the free drink tickets, so that's really it. You got into comedy for the pay? No, I got it for the free drinks, dude. Yeah, well, you said pay them, but whatever. Oh, even for free drinks, it doesn't make sense. Here's a healthy version of yourself. Stand side by side with you. Side by side. Side by side. Keep. Keep going up, Philip. Keep going up. Keep going up. Keep going up. No, stand side by side. Square up to a camera. Look at a camera together. Look at the one on the right over there. Look at that guy. Yeah. See the faces? That's what you could look like if you just ate sushi and didn't do cocaine. And Phil, you've been losing a little weight. I have? Yeah. When you were jumpy, you really did look like that guy. I lost 30 pounds. Not like 130. Yeah. So you're saying you should do meth? That's the thing that's actually more expensive. I tried. No. So incredible. Philip, do you have any advice for him on exactly how to get his life together? Well, I lost, like, £30. Pounds not. You need to lose a little bit more than that. Eat healthy. Drink a lot of water. You ever hear that? Do less coke. I don't know. Or more. I know, Tony. I know you saw me hesitate. Yeah, because when you said Philip, I was like, is there another Philip up here? No, I don't look anything like this dude. Yeah, you look exactly like him. You have the exact same face. Unfortunately, he's just so much fatter. Only I can see it, but, yeah, you have the same face. If you, like. If something terrible happened and you completely went Lieutenant Dan on yourself, this is what you would look like. This sucks for both of you right now. Yeah, it does. Philip has a new podcast on the your mom's House Network. What's that called? The Not a Damn Chance Podcast. Not a Damn Chance Podcast. There you go. There's a free plug. There goes Philip and Nature Ortiz. Anything else crazy we should know about you? You seem like you have a lot of backstory. My ex girlfriend was non binary. Whoa. What was his name? We wore the same bra. Yeah, it was great. Was. Was it always non binary, or did that happen when you were dating? I didn't. I didn't know until we were. And then what did you find out? You used the wrong pronoun while you were fucking? She kept calling me brother. You know, like Hulk Hogan. Oh, damn, Rip. I was like, wait, what? No, I had a lot of hard times with whatever, because, like, I couldn't figure out words to say during an argument, you know? So I just kept saying shit, my dad said. So I was like, hey, calm down, slugger. Yeah, you got that one, champ. You can't call her a. You gotta be like, hey, jerk. The whole thing's so weird to me. Was she non binary when you started dating her? No, she looked beautiful, dude. And then we got together and then cut all her hair off. And what else changed other than the haircut? Her pits got hairier. And what else changed? Her legs got. Everything got hairier. That was. Wow. It was not a good experience. And was she on medication at the time? I don't know. Liberalism? I don't know. Like, no. But I liked it because she was the only one to allow her to just face fuck all night, which was really great. But what do you mean by that exactly? You mean do cocaine? I put FUPA on the chin, Tony. That was. Oh, me. All right, well, you know what? You actually did good. So here's a picture. Oh, there you go. Just throwing joke books at people tonight. Just bouncing them right off there, there. Oh, okay. Thank you, guys. There he goes. There he goes. All right. Another bucket pool. We are back into the 80s. It's 80.2 degrees. For those of you paying attention, somehow it's getting warmer again. Everybody who likes it hot in here, okay? Hey, by the way, Dean. Dean didn't do. Huh? Where the. Is Dean? Yeah, Dean up. Gave us two degrees less. Yeah, Dean. Bring Dean's ass down here. Gonna shave his head. Give him a crew cut. Tell him to start acting right. Pull another name. Let's go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Joe Filey. Joe Filey. Whoa. Hey. Yeah, mother. God damn. Getting real tired getting called white trash. I think I'm like upper middle class trash, you know what I mean? Like, we got some money. With the problems, my sister invents her own parties and holidays. Like, she had a skin tone reveal party. If you don't know what that is. It's just she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance. And they all came to the hospital. My dad held the baby up like, Lion King style. It was like a skin tone that. And it was crazy. Cause, like, I don't know, it sounds horrible. I have to say it, but, like, how good is my sister's pussy? Cause, like, as a white guy, you know how good the pussy would have to be for me to go with a black guy and a Mexican guy to the hospital to find out if it's my kid? And then you still stay around and raise the black kid as the white guy. Like, it was crazy. Two days before I was 12 and two days before I knew that the baby was gonna be black. Cause we were in the hospital, and the black guy's like, yo, I need to go get some milk. And left the hospital. Like, they have it here. All right, that's my time. Thank y'. All. Joe Filey. Good job, Joe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've been on this show before. Am I correct, or have I just seen you hiding under my bed? When I was a kid. I mean, the bed, the bridge. But, yeah. This is my third time on here. Hell, yeah. Welcome back, Joe. This had to be your best set of them all. For sure. For sure. Yes, absolutely. You've been working hard. Oh, yeah, working. Just. I don't know, not partying as much. Hell yeah, absolutely. What kind of partying were you doing? Oh, there's a lot of coke. Well, I mean, the bag said coke on it, but it tasted funny. But there was a lot of coke for a while there and. I don't know, a lot of shrooms, LSD, weed. It's 6th Street. Like there's no rules here. I don't make the rules of 6th Street. Absolutely incredible. And how long has it been since you had the operation to remove the backside horse part of your body? About 2,000 years, Tony. Incredible. Incredible. I still want to make wishes every time I see you, Joe. Listen, they're still saying. They're saying there's nothing wrong with the water in East Palestine. So I'm going to keep drinking the tap water in Ohio. You know what I mean? Yeah. Where are you from? Well, Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, you are from Youngstown, Ohio? I grew up on, well, South Bonaire, then East Florida Ave. In Youngstown. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow, look at you. Even for Youngstown, you're weird looking. Dude, dude, I'm the one white guy in the hood they didn't with. I have a look. I know. That's. That is. Yeah. I didn't know it was white hood. I thought it was Amish. No, it's not the same beard. It's not Amish at all. In Youngstown, unfortunately, there's very few people that look like Joe Filey. I could see why the black people would get scared of you when you're walking out. Scared the out of. Get the fucking. All right. I was the needle in the haystack. I guess you would say that was. That was. Huh? I said I was the needle in the haystack. For sure. In Youngstown, that was right? Yeah, for sure. What do you do for work, Joe Filey? Right now I work at a weed shop on 6th Street. Okay. All right. God damn. Can you imagine buying weed? I must have a good face for selling weed. They love it. Yeah. I don't know if it's like the brow ridge, but they come in like, honey. This weed works the THCA label. Like we're getting the weed right? No doubt about it. They're like this. This weed will make your eyes move apart from one another. You have a girlfriend? No. No. What's dating like? Being, looking, having. Well, like me. Have you heard of the Dollhouse atx? I know you're sponsored by the Yellow rose and Red rose. But the Dollhouse ATX is way doper. It's like pornhub. But you, like, rent the chick by the hour. You, like, they have a search bar. Each chick has, like, categories. They're probably getting shut. Look, Red man's nodding. He knows. He's been there. Oh, Red man knows. Well, well, well. Look who's been playing at the Doll House. The craziest part was you followed it with the Sunset page. That's like, I can grab my. When I follow order in the court. We hereby find the defendant completely guilty. Yo, isn't your wife here? You can see her at the Dollhouse tonight. No, no, actually, I. I heard about Joe White of all. Don't. Okay, just. Is it the place where you could, like, rent like a. Yeah, that's what he just said. In a room, like. Oh, yeah. It's like Liam Neeson style. They put sheets in the bigger rooms to divide them up. What's the craziest thing you've done at the Dollhouse atx? Oh, God. What? That there was, like, this poor little Colombian chick, and it was like, I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so, like. Hold on nice and slow. Poor little Colombian chef. She didn't happen to have a 30 cent only fans, did she? But I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so, like, I put some coke on my dick, I had her snort it and suck the rest. And, like, midway through the suck, she was like, 200 more. And I just paid it to her because it was worth. That's not even a lie. Like, I could. Wow. I wish it was. My parents are gonna see this. They're huge fans. Yeah, absolutely. They are going to see what you're up to. Definitely siblings. Yeah. So 200 bucks and you basically got a blowjob at a strip club. Club. Yeah. Kind of halfway. This is a ringing endorsement for Dollhouse atx. I mean, I almost feel bad for the Red rose and Yellow rose because this is the quite the ad read. Listen, they don't have no Heidi's at the Dollhouse, all right? If you're going in a Dollhouse. Yeah, no doubt about it. They have. They have running Heidies you can run, but you can't. Heidi, the chicks there probably look like you. There's a couple. Yeah, there's a $50 menu, for sure. There's like a 3pm Hop happy hour. My God, it's fourth meal. So you make money at the weed shop and then you lug it over to the Dollhouse atx. Oh, that's like a once every two month thing. That's like a Red Lobster. You know what I mean? Like every two months. You can go, you got some cheddar bay biscuits. You really are from Youngstown. That confirms it. Everyone in Youngstown thinks Red Lobster is an every two month celebration. It really is. I was shocked when I grew up and got just a little bit of success and was like, oh, wow, this is not the best restaurant in the world. It's incredible. I was tricked for the first 18 or 19 years of my life. I went there after my confirmation. It was a big deal. So bad. Red Lobster was huge. The best. I mean, you could just count on it. Big, big shrimp cocktail, all the biscuits. Come on, come on. No doubt about it. So. So you can coke on your dick with a sex slave at the place. Sex slave in Thailand. They felt like sex slave. Shane. Oh, you went to Thailand? Yeah, I've been to Bangkok before. But whoa. I have this look, brother. Like they know what. When I. I landed in Thailand, there's like 30 there. Like he's the one that. That's you probably. If you, if you learn Russian, you'll be sick. Dude, you look like a Dagistani wrestler. True. I can't fight at all. I carry a gun. That CCW class is like eight hours and you're just as tough as them. Like that's. We're going to read a couple Yelp reviews here for Dollhouse ats. The Gunko commercials. Here we go. We went in here thinking it was a sex shop. We were half right. They have a very small collection of lingerie and sex toys, but they have several women there in lingerie. So I think they might be in the business of selling something all capital letters else. If you want sex toys, go next door. It has a much larger selection. Wait, who the fuck wrote that? Says Matt M. Nettle. Some piece of named Matt M. Wrote that. I was on the search for a giant dildo. There was a bunch of naked ladies wanted to have sex with me. Yeah, exactly. I hated it. There's a four star review from James. Here we go. It starts with. This is how you know it's good. It starts with, okay, here's the deal. You go in and there's a lobby cost 65 bucks just to get into the main area. Is that true? It's like 55 on Sunday nights and Monday nights. Look at that. On discount. Yeah. Early bird special. Working on a budget. If you want a private show, it costs another 65. And you pick your model. And if there's more than one working there. You've already spent 130 bucks to get a non nude dance. If you want nudity, it's 100 bucks. Is that true? 75 on Sunday. There you go. So to get in from the lobby and get a full new dance costs 165 bucks total. Any day but Sunday. If you have money to burn and like the idea of being in your own room one on one with a hot model dancing and grinding in your lap, it's cool. I personally prefer that to going to say Yellow Rose, where there's too many drunk assholes making the place noisy. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Sorry to our great sponsors. This is fucked up. Look what you've done. I'll mention you when I go there next. No, no, it's okay. Shout out. Shout outs to kill. Tony, what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you at the Dollhouse atx? Oh, I don't like anything in my butt. And the one chick was too hot to say no, so I just let her play a little bit. Whoa, what did she put here? I didn't realize, like, the nightstand had two drawers, so she opened the first one and I don't know, you look at like level one through five and it's like, I can take five, but let's start with one. And I didn't know there was like a level six through 10 in the second drawer down. I made it to eight without yelling, so that was refacing. Facing the other way or something. You just didn't see what was going on. I. I like you're face down in the bed and like you're peeping over like she's holding your. She doesn't want you to see what's in the drawer. Right, right. And how much? Didn't. Wait, you paid, right? Yeah, yeah. You could have spoke up. Yeah, when number five was in your aspect. Let me talk to a manager right now. That's ridiculous. She was the manager. That was the manager special. Oh, shit. Wow. It was a $75 manager special on a Sunday and I got pegged. All right. Wow. This place is going to be packed on Sundays from now on. This is completely backfired. Backfired is also what happened that day for you. You have a big joke book from here here yet? I got a couple. You have a couple big jokes? I mean, they're pretty full. Perfect. There you go. Fill them up. Thank you, sir. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen. All right, let's do one more bucket pool We've had a lot on today. We've been flying through these interviews, believe it or not. Make some noise for your final bucket. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? Your final bucket. Pool. Hole of the night. Makes some noise for Ramis, everyone. Or Ramb or Ramos. Oh, okay. Hello. Hello. So last time I was here, it was thinking about bags and boxes. Yeah. And I actually worked for a moving company. I was telling Tony that. And you know, one time I was moving this dude and I thought he had down syndrome. So I'm looking him weird, he looking at me weird. I'm like, man, I don't know, you know? So I'm trying to be off extra soft. And then he said like, yo, I went to ASU and I grew up in Phoenix. So I'm like, oh, word? Yeah, I did shrooms and I smoked weed and drank and shit. And I'm like, wait a minute, they let people down syndrome syndrome do that shit. You know, that's not normal. And then at the end of the job, he gave us like 60 bucks. So I knew we didn't have downs because I was like, otherwise he would have gave us like Cheez its, maybe some jelly beans, like a single marshmallow. But you gotta take it. You can't. It's gonna stick to your fingers. But you gotta take it. You can't not say no. Right? Yeah, that's my name. Ram B. Thank you. That short of a minute? Yeah. Okay, well, 50 seconds from Ramis. I'll take it. I'll take it. Rambi. Actually, Ramby, I think there was something. Yep. There's a little space. You left a space between the. The line down in that s. You might have called the wrong name. No, I didn't. It's. Your handwriting sucks. I'll take it. I'll take it. It's cool. You see that? Can you confirm that looks like a ray miss? No, the separation between the 100. Ram, ram B, R, A, M, B. Yeah. Oh, but you're saying. Right, because it doesn't connect. Yes. I even did a capital B. That's you. Yeah, that's you. It's Ram B. Yeah, but you ram like lamb. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that's fair. Yeah. And the second round. How long you been doing? Stand up, Rambi. I moved here in 2021 and I did about 10 open mics in Wisconsin before that, so about four years. But I. I have taken some months off for. Because of life shift, you know, my dad, my pops pass and some other stuff. Damn it. I'm just being Honest. I'm just being honest. But I have. I have stayed consistent with writing through that. Four years. So I've been doing it four years, basically. That was a roundabout. Stayed away four years. Yep. Got it. How did dad die? Leukemia. He beat it once and then it came back. Wow. He beat leukemia once. Leukemia is your mom's name? Depends on who you ask, I guess. All right, so she's gonna love that joke. I love it, to be honest. So how do you make money? I work at a call center. Internet company, but I can't say it. You know what I'm saying? You, like, works for right now. What are the hours? Like, when do I get there? Or what are the hours? No, I'm joking. 10 to 7. Okay. You have any trouble waking up in the morning? You know, before this job, I didn't. You know, I was an early riser. And now I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm asleep till about 9:30, you know, like. Yep, you know, Got it. I gave myself some leeway. What do you do? It's like. It's like a. What do you call it? Self care. Sure. What do you do at nighttime for fun? I go do mics and. And then I also play. Wow. Random police. I dodge cops, but I dodge cops on Red Dead Redemption, too. That's the kind of I do, you know? I mean, grand theft auto. Have you ever gotten arrested? Never, actually. Do you know what's funny is a lot of people get surprised that I've never been to jail. And then when they meet me and talk to me longer, they're like, I can't even believe it. But it's just because I've been lucky, to be honest. Wow. Yeah. You never heard of Sammy the Bull? Yeah. All right, well, I was in Arizona, and at the time, about like, 22 years old now I think about it, maybe I shouldn't say this. Go ahead, fuck it. Go ahead, fuck it. Let it out. Yeah. Taxes are probably getting me before this anyway, but I'm joking. But he was doing like, an ecstasy ring, and my dude that I was living with was dealing ecstasy. And every now and then we make a few bucks on the weekend or whatever, you know, and all of a sudden we saw the dude that we were getting the pills from in the parking lot on the news, and that was. I wasn't a very good drug dealer. That was the end of my drug dealing days right there. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. 23 people were in that ECC ring. You can go look it up. It's real wow. Yeah. And you were in it, but you didn't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tony's not incriminating Ram today. Oh, Ramus, as you say. Yeah, Ramus. Ramus is. Let's be clear. Rambi. I love it. What's your love life? Flight Cranby. We talked about this last time. I don't know if. Remember I was after the bags and boxes and I sang the song about the girl not calling me back, you know, and. Yeah, so. Yeah, so she still ain't called. I'm chilling, man. I'm. You know, I'm really just trying to build my life up and not really worry about that side of my life because, you know, no kids. My daughter's 21. Living her life, doing her thing. Wow. Yeah. Doing very good, actually. Yeah. Okay. Great college and everything and shit. How much did you contribute to that child being. I raised her half. I lived in Wisconsin for 20 years, which was very much a sacrifice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After growing up in Phoenix, it was like, fuck this shit. Hey, and how. Yeah, we're in Phoenix. Wait, where in Phoenix? No, no, no. How'd you end up in Wisconsin? Because her mom was from Wisconsin, and so we moved there, and so I stayed there after we broke up to raise her. 50%. Yeah. White mom. How did the white parents take to you moving to Wisconsin, Pops? Right. Can you give an example of what that means? These. These people up nowhere. All right. The whole family hates me. Let's just be right. But how do you know? Give us an example. Oh, man, that's rough, man. Because they might see this. They might. So what's one good little story you're not naming them out? Could be anything. You ever have somebody look at you like this? Like, for way too long, right? Like that? Yeah, it was constantly that, you know. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Even at Thanksgiving, like, you're supposed to have a good. Hey, let's hang out. Hey. They never said anything disrespectful or anything, though. Nothing in particular. Just to look. I almost fought some family members. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wisconsin was an interesting time. I'll just say that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I recently went back there, and a bar owner looked at me across the bar for a while, like, I think I know this motherfucker. Like, I'm serious. And he just kept looking at me, and I'm like, why is he looking at me? And I forgot that I tried to fight him about 10 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. You know, how could you forget about that? Well, you know, you live a lot. I'm 47, so if you live a life where you kind of fought some people, you forget it's 2am and he accused me of something I didn't do, so I was extra charged. And he's behind the bar yelling at me and I'm like, hey, I'll, I'll you up type, you know, and. Well, I didn't. I was. I'm proud of myself, actually. And I'm very much mature and I wouldn't fight nobody these days. Incredible. You're 47 years old. Yeah. You successfully raised a 21 year old daughter. Yes, sir. You've avoided getting arrested. Yeah. I'm a miracle right now, right? Yeah. What's your secret? What's your secret? I was born at six months, two pounds. Right. Wow. So I've been a miracle over and over again. All them stats. I'm like, like LeBron, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm 47 and I'm still going, baby. You know what I'm saying? Amazing. I really feel that way. Like, I wake up every morning like, you're LeBron, not Ronnie. And then you go to a call center and take calls. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I'm not gonna. Someone's just yelling, get him, Shane. Let's go. Shane. No, I appreciate. Yeah. Hey, I would say. They took my drink away. I had to. They took your drink. I had some vodka. I had to sit it down. They take your drink? Yeah, well, I couldn't bring it down the alley, you know, I mean, I could do that. You can't. I would love to toast you, though. Yeah, we can do a black fist up. Yep. There you go. All right, Ramby, I appreciate you already have a big joke book. No, I got a small one. Well, guess what, buddy, you're getting the extra dark edition. Tony joke book. Congratulations to Ram B. Not Ramis at all. It's Ram B. All right. It's been a hell of an episode. The hottest episode in the history of Kiltoni. We went from the 80s to the 70s back to the 80s. And I'm pleased to report that we are back at 79.9 degrees right now. 50% humidity. A very rare treat. It does not work for comedy at all. But you guys are a bunch of superheroes and we thank you. Congratulations to you. And for your hero, you shall be rewarded. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews on this show, the reigning defending hall of Famer, the emperor of ExpressVPN. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery, everybody. Austin. I'm so excited to announce to everybody. I'm actually about to start auditioning for my first feature length film. The guy seems super nice. He actually sent the script to my father back in Memphis, which was weird as shit. It's like, how do you even get his fucking address? But I'm really excited. Ozzy osbourne died. Yeah, 30 years ago. I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know. I. I don't know what to wear. And that's a true one. Okay, let's keep it moving. Ah, it's sad. If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes in your propaganda videos. And we get free juice. Sign me the fuck up. Free love, no taxes. VIP access to a spaceship heading to heaven. And I get to wear the most stylish. Presbyterian church seat yos down. Asking for that 10% tithe shit. My cult keeps it. God damn it. I messed that part up. Presbyterian Church, sit your ass down. Asking for that 10% tithe shit. My cult wants 100% of my assets and they're gonna keep it 100. You know what I'm saying? Have y' all seen the trailer for the new Moderate to Severe Plaque psoriasis commercial? Okay, that's my top. William Montgomery has done it again. All right. Yeah, I. I got you. Yeah, the intervention's tough. Yeah. Yeah. I wore a Notre Dame coaches polo to my sister's intervention and sat in a hotel in Pittsburgh like. Like, Gotta make some change. So what are you wearing today? You can't wear something cool. You gotta go talks. You gotta go talk. Tux is crazy. I know you're doing heroin. My name's Bond. Yeah. Maybe a coat and tie. I don't have a tux. Maybe suit could work. Yeah, okay. Or you could go Notre Dame coaches bowl. It worked. My sister stopped doing heroin. Well, too bad. I can't stand Notre Dame. Dude, I'm a Florida Gators fan. I cannot stand after the whole. After the whole Manti Teo debacle y' all handle. I can't stand Notre Dame. No, no, no. How was that a debacle, dude, he was innocent also. Yeah, whatever. You guys are totally irrelevant these days. So, whatever. Get a good run. Maybe this year. Okay. But you had a good run, William. This is incredible. This intervention. College ball. This intervention you're doing is this for a family member, a friend. What are they. What's. What are they on? Are they having a good time or a tired time? I don't know. Think of the tired time. They're sleepy figure. Yes, very. Yeah. I had a sleepy intervention myself. Yeah, very. Is that the one with the Notre Dame jersey or is it another one? Notre Dame coaches pull up. What was your sister just getting. She's getting a little sleepy. She was on drugs and stuff. Yeah. Like downers. Yeah. Heroin and then. Yeah, that makes you nod off. And I think that's the situation I'm dealing with. It makes me. Yeah. Well, are they mean a lot now? Have they turned mean when they're not on it? Are they stealing stuff? A little. A little bit, yeah. I can't have them over in my apartment. Probably heroin. And then you go, what the. Yeah, but it's surprising how quickly they come back. You go, there's that person I liked. Well, you know. Well, good luck. I'm praying. Thank you. What's your speech? What's your speech going to be? Yeah. Can you give us an example? Stop doing hair. You deserve it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta stop doing that, man. We're out Worried about your ass. No, we need you eating cheddar bay biscuits again. He literally. He's not hungry anymore. He used to go to that place with me all the time. But, yeah, we're gonna get him eating cheddar bait biscuits again. We're gonna get it figured out. Are you saying cheddar day? Cheddar bay biscuits. Cheddar bay. Yeah, Cheddar bay biscuits. But yeah. Oh, my gosh, Tony, this past weekend, just to look at old sets, I watched every single. And I've never done this. And Tony, I want to say my heart was melting a little bit because when I'm doing these jokes, I don't really ever see yalls reactions. Too much for people up here. Reaction. And it always made me smile to myself when I could see your ass laughing at some of my jokes. And red band, I do have to say I don't feel horrible about talking about your slutty ass mom every single time. It was like probably in a hundred sets of mine, I was talking shit about your mom. So I did have a very nice, nice weekend just reminiscing over these times. I had never gone back and watched them. Yeah, Red band. You. You brought those prop glasses just for this moment with William you've been wearing. These are real glasses. But you put them on now. Yeah, I always put them on at the End so I don't forget them. Wait, you never noticed that he always puts his glasses on at the end? No, no, he's never done that before. Come on, man. It's a classic. Kill Tony Dick. When the glasses come on, you know. Is wrapping up. What do you think about Red Band's glasses, William? I think they make them look a lot smarter. And I had been worried. He's been looking kind of stupid recently. And I think. I think, thank God with those glasses, they make you look a lot smarter. Red Band. I'm kidding. You look like a weird homeless kind of person. You look scary with those glasses. I take them off. Are those even prescription glasses, Red Band? Yes, they are. They are. How much do they cost? 350. That's embarrassing, dumbass. I was thinking you're gonna say something like that. So Willie Ripping. You actually do look better. I swear to God. You somehow used to look worse, I think. But yeah, I mean, you still look okay. You're getting worse. But is this the intervention that you were planning? Yes. Yeah. Red Band. We have to get you up out of your apartment, man. I mean, we have to get you. I know you've been holed up up there a long time. We know you're fucking super depressed. You've been on VR way longer than normal. My girl's a stripper at the Dollhouse, man. My girl's a stripper at the Dog House, man. Tell us about this new plaque and psoriasis commercial. Not many of us have seen it. It's just this nasty looking. Walking around with all these like. It looks like she got real sunburned on different. Different parts of her body. That's what plaque psoriasis is. It's like this nasty disease people get. I don't know if it's sexually transmitted. I don't know how people get it, but it's just this real sickening disease people get. Yeah. No. So the commercial seems really good. It's just getting more. It's going to get people on these pills. Have you. Let's go back to the intervention for a second. Have you planned a speech for this? Have you written a speech? I was starting to write some earlier. Huh. And I'm gonna have to really fit. I'm gonna finish it up. Don't do it. Don't read like a. Yeah. So I shouldn't read? Yeah. What do you think? Do I go from the heart? Yeah, do it. Do a brand new minute for them. I would. Yeah. Go. Go from the heart on the intervention. If you read it's it. Better kill. It better kill. It's like everybody reads like it's a best man speech. I sat in the room and everyone was like, oh, I'm a little nervous. Yeah. It's like this is about her. Yeah, Let it rip. Yeah, okay. Let it flow. Oh, thank you to the fucking horrible person that belched right there. We're talking about a friend of mine that's quite literally dying and I hear this monster burp right there. That was you. This is a nice homosexual couple right here. But you burping on his dick. Wow, it's amazing how you do that. It makes the whole place light up all crazy. Tony, I am stinking tonight. This is weird. I swear. I think they did the formulation of Old Spice deodorant differently. Dude, I've been starting. Been starting to stink at night now. Oh, yeah. It's never happened before. I've never stunk like this. This is a new thing. Have you changed your diet at all? I just metamucil out the frame. I'm up to four cups of it a day. And I did shit twice today, which is great because I did go a span of time, three days this past week without shitting. Wow. But I'm doing so much row. I'm at 720 miles on the row machine since January. So I just feel like my body's actually really using all the bananas, all the stuff I'm eating. It's going straight to my muscles is what my guess is. So that's why I'm not doodooing, because all the, like the peanut butter crackers fucking bananas and shit going straight to my muscles. What else goes straight to your muscles? Give us some examples of things that go straight to your. I mean, you know, I'm drinking a protein shake with scoop, but. But no, weirdly enough, a lot of jelly beans. I think a lot of these sports people are saying, go down on the sugar. No, jelly beans are good. The popcorn, the buttered popcorn jelly beans, I'm all up in those right now. 30. And I'm going to bring some to the intervention tomorrow. O. I feel like everybody loves a. Yeah, get them hooked on something. Yeah, yeah. You think that's good? Try this. Yeah, try these jelly beans. But I gotta tell you, a lot of heroin people, they're gonna go straight to candy as soon as they get done. He's going right to those jelly beans. Yeah, yeah. If it's heroin, whatever. Is it heroin? Is that the main drug of the person getting the intervention? Yeah. Amongst cornucopia of other things. Other heroin and other stuff. Oh, yeah. It's time for an intervention. Wow. Hurry that up. Yeah. I've never heard you use the word cornucopia before, William. Are there any other new words in your vocabulary this week that you're excited about? It's a little spot licensed. Whoa. All right. Wait. Didn't even activate. This is a hard one. You got sad horns on that one. Sometimes when you're not passionate about it, you get a barely a drum. Sad horn. Horns and barely any lights. Assessor. You should do poly substance drug user. Huh? Poly substance drug user. That's what your friend is. Oh, a poly substance drug user. Poly substance drug user. There you go. The words. This is a hard one. Tony, I'm so sorry. I mean, I'm really screwing up on this one. I can't. You can say anything. Honestly. The ones that you don't really know that aren't that exciting are kind of funnier than the crazy ones. A new word this week from William Montgomery. We're almost there. And here we go. Could be anything in the world. It's really. I gotta tell you, it's impossible. I'm trying to think of one word. I can't think of one word. Wyoming. Ah. Words are tough. Yeah. Domino. Wow. Look at that. What's the. What's the one thing that you're hoping at the. At the end of this intervention tomorrow, what's the one thing that you're hoping that the person that you're giving the intervention to will not say? I never gonna stop using draw. That's William Montgomery. This has been the hottest episode of Kiltonian history. We were able to get it down to 79.2 degrees. Guys, the drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. How loud can you guys get? For our guest tonight, Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker, everybody. You did it. Brought to you by ExpressVPN Tire Season 2 Matt and Shane. Secret pod on Spotify, everywhere else. Anything else you guys want to plug or anything? Matt? I'll be in Atlantic City August 16th. Hell yeah, city. Ocean Casino Resort. Please come the kill. Tony. Yeah. Thank you. Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis. The band will be a blue note in New York City the Monday after Madison Square Garden. 818-818. You got it. This episode brought to you by ExpressVPN. One more time for the best damn band in the land and our guest, Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. Red band. Check out the secret show every Thursday, Sunset Strip, ATX.com love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. So much. Good night everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. RA what makes work beautiful? At LHH, we believe it's when recruitment, development and career transitions are more than just a set of talent solutions. They're part of something bigger. It's when the people you hire become the people you admire. When daily conversations become lifelong connections. When one journey ends and a new one begins. When leaders want to be learners, LHH is your single talent partner across the entire professional journey. LHH helps businesses build strong teams, develop inspiring leaders, and guide careers through every transition with empathy, clarity and confidence. Our solutions are powered by data, science and over 50 years of experience crafted to align with your culture to drive measurable results and lasting impact. Ready to discover how LHH creates a beautiful working world? Visit lhh.com beautiful recruitment development career Transition A Beautiful Working World.