#732 - ALI SIDDIQ + KIM CONGDON

Summary

Kill Tony Podcast #732 – ALI SIDDIQ + KIM CONGDON

Date: August 19, 2025
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guests: Ali Siddiq, Kim Congdon
Episode Theme:
A classic Kill Tony live session featuring an unpredictable parade of stand-up hopefuls—seasoned comics, newcomers, and pure wildcards—each performing a one-minute set for relentless feedback, roastings, and interviews delivered by Tony, Brian, and this week’s legendary guests, Ali Siddiq and Kim Congdon.

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Main Theme and Purpose

This episode exemplifies the core of Kill Tony: a high-wire blend of raw, unfiltered stand-up auditions and fiercely honest, often hilarious debriefs with the panel. Tony and Brian steer the chaos alongside Ali Siddiq’s veteran perspective and Kim Congdon’s unabashed wit. Expect absurd bucket pulls, darkly funny interviews, and moments of real growth, heartbreak, and killer lines. Several regulars are out, creating extra room for new faces and returning crowd favorites, closed out by notorious former regular Uncle Laser.

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Key Segments and Discussion Highlights

1. Panel & Band Introductions (05:00-06:30)

• Tony sets the stage, hyping the "best damn band in the land" and welcoming guests.
• Ali Siddiq jokes about "doing great, making a lot of money" (05:17), to which Kim Congdon quips about only partially doing the money sign (05:40).

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2. How Kill Tony Works (07:00-07:30)

Tony recaps the show mechanics: random comedians get one minute. They’re cut off with a kitten sound—if they go too long, the angry "West Hollywood bear" interrupts.

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3. Featured Comics & Notable Moments

a. Sir Winston Pickles – Dark Alt-Comedy Clown (07:05–12:21)

• Delivers macabre marriage jokes, including a “swinger wife” punchline:
  "I accidentally put [my phone] in Malaysian airplane mode, so… that’s gone." (07:20)
• Shares collecting a school friend’s severed fingertip as a child.*
• Ali: “I don’t fuck with clowns, man.” (09:06)
• Kim: "This is one of those moments where it’s not a bit… We’re in the documentary right now." (10:22)
• Tony: "Six years of standup, ten years in whiteface. Absolutely incredible." (08:52)

b. Jenny Ann – “Selling a 69 Mustang” (13:07–20:27)

• Awkward, punchline-light set about her car being for sale.
• Panel ribbing: “You’re already the 7th funniest female standup in the world.” – Tony (14:10)
• Jenny Ann plugs website for her car (“the69mustang.com”).
• Reveals former career in venture capital/NASA; Tony roasts: "Is the earth as flat as your chest?" (15:57)
• Attempted car sale is a running joke. Tony: “You built a website to sell one 69 Mustang?” (19:19)

c. Jimmy Clifford – Helen Keller Bit (23:37–30:41)

• Conspiracy-theorist sister, palm-reading twist.
• Tony: “A super topical bit about Helen Keller… I’m pretty sure that bit was old at the time that this Mustang convertible was made.” (25:10)
• Bombs with panel; admits just had baby two months ago (30:10)—news Tony says would’ve been helpful 5 mins earlier.

d. Liv Taylor – Vet Tech, Widowed Comic (31:07–38:22)

• Self-deprecating about age and “headlight/foglight” breasts, “sorta Rican” heritage.
• Realness: open about losing husband in accident, moved to Austin for comedy.
• Shares dark comedic riff: “Grief’s one hell of a diet.” (35:56)
• Tony, roasty: “If you had a husband that looked like me and was stuck with you, I can see why he wanted to flip that truck.” (38:09)
• Given “big joke book” as best bucket pull so far.

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e. Benny G – First Time, Wildest Interview of the Night (39:11–54:23)

• Very nervous, reveals it's his first-ever set, 42 years old.
• Once atheist, “found Christ,” now pursuing comedy.
• Shares intense personal history: multiple divorces, spectrum diagnoses; jokes about his ex’s infidelity and daughter possibly not being his.
• Drops bombshell: “My mother and sister stole $3.4 million from a major oil and gas company.” (53:23)
• Tony: “It’s like all the bucket pool's energy and answers went to one chosen man. I think God really is in his earpiece.” (53:30)
• Panel is riveted and delivers some of the harshest but funniest lines of the night.

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f. Ty Marion – “Ross from Friends” Jokes (57:35–63:14)

• Recurring contestant, runs through mean crowd critiques of his appearance, multiple “you look like” punchlines about Adam Sandler and David Blaine.
• Shares story about being hit by car on a Lime scooter.
• Kim on Ty’s looks: “I think they said your face has drawtism.” (62:15)
• Ty reveals he’s autistic; panel riff about his ears, self-deprecating humor.

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g. Ben Bankus – Canadian Pro, "Gay Baby" Bit (63:40–69:06)

• 15-year veteran; sharp and confident.
• Riff about son’s “questionable” newborn behaviors: “My daughter’s three; not once in three years did I worry she was gay. My son’s three months old—I’m fucking worried.” (64:39)
• Bit lands—Ali Siddiq notes difference in his professionalism, even down to his shoes.

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h. Standout Bucket Pulls and Fast Riffs

• Many comics with short or bombed sets, thrown into the comedic meat grinder.
• Rob White bombs, tries a Holocaust joke—“What’s funnier, Holocaust or slavery? Trick question, Holocaust never happened.” (76:00)
• Tony, brutal as ever: “So it’s not… Don’t blame the audience. That’s shitty of you.” (77:32)

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i. Dr. Rabbit – Unlikely Professor (91:28–102:47)

• Blonde, quirky college prof; onstage debut, says, "I am essentially just the Walmart version of Legally Blonde." (91:29)
• Adopted a Black daughter despite being “painfully white” (95:14); former diversity professor at an HBCU.
• Admits adopted daughter has fetal alcohol syndrome and intellectual disability.
• Panel teases about names: “If I was her, I would have gone with Tardy B, to be honest with you.” – Tony (101:20)
• Charming, emotional, and deeply funny segment.
• Tony: “You really are an angel. And you’re so likable, it’s incredible.” (101:48)

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j. Uncle Laser – The Headliner Closer (124:06–132:02)

• Delivers his most polished minute yet; riffing on drag brunches, “post-op lasagna jokes,” and explicit, blue-collar sex material.
• Tony: “You weren’t a real comedian … but you worked it out. … It’s amazing to watch your growth on this show.” (125:47-127:33)
• Uncle Laser details life chaos: car stolen by homeless, merch recovered [but worn by pedophiles in a police sting!], recent dominatrix experience, wild stories about sexual experimentation.
• When asked if he’s ever put a finger in his own ass, cues audience response—uproarious.
• Closes on a heartfelt handshake with Ali Siddiq for street cred: “Third ward! I'm from like Richmond, Rosenberg … zero is my favorite goddamn rapper.” (131:39–131:56)

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Notable Quotes by Timestamp

• "Six years of standup. Ten years in whiteface. Absolutely incredible."
  — Tony Hinchcliffe on Sir Winston Pickles (08:52)

• "You’re already the 7th funniest female standup in the world."
  — Tony to Jenny Ann (14:10)

• "I don’t fuck with clowns, man. I’m terrified."
  — Ali Siddiq on Sir Winston Pickles (09:06)

• "If you had a husband that looked like me and was stuck with you, I can see why he wanted to flip that truck."
  — Tony (38:09)

• "My mother and my sister stole $3.4 million from a major oil and gas company, though."
  — Benny G (53:23)

• "It’s like all the bucket pool's energy and answers went to one chosen man. I think God really is in his earpiece."
  — Tony (53:30)

• "I mean, what’s the most interesting thing about your entire life?"
  — Tony, repeatedly prompting for depth (28:30)

• "You weren't a real comedian... but you worked it out. ...It’s amazing to watch your growth on this show."
  — Tony to Uncle Laser (125:50–127:33)

• "Grief's one hell of a diet."
  — Liv Taylor (35:59)

• "I don’t drink chocolate milk unless someone’s pregnant."
  — Dimitri King (110:18)

• [After Dr. Rabbit explains her adopted daughter almost picked 'Cardi B' as her new name:] "If I was her, I would have gone with Tardy B, to be honest with you."
  — Tony (101:20)

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Memorable Moments

• Benny G’s first time on stage mutates from nerves to a staggeringly fascinating interview including atheism, Christ, multiple failed marriages, possible paternity surprises, and massive family embezzlement. (39:11–54:23)
• Dr. Rabbit, the ADHD college professor, wins the room with honesty and compassion discussing raising a Black daughter with special needs, fielding roasts and empathy alike. (91:28–102:47)
• Uncle Laser’s transformation from comedic curiosity to show closer, and a disgusting but hilarious police sting story about his merch found on pedophiles. (124:06–132:02)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|----------------| | Panel & Band Intros | 05:00–06:30 | | Sir Winston Pickles' Set & Interview | 07:05–12:21 | | Jenny Ann (69 Mustang) | 13:07–20:27 | | Jimmy Clifford (Helen Keller bit) | 23:37–30:41 | | Liv Taylor (Vet tech, widow) | 31:07–38:22 | | Benny G (Wild first-timer) | 39:11–54:23 | | Ty Marion (Roast on looks, scooter crash) | 57:35–63:14 | | Ben Bankus (Pro, “gay baby” joke) | 63:40–69:06 | | Dr. Rabbit (professor, adoption story) | 91:28–102:47 | | Uncle Laser (Headliner closer/set + roast) | 124:06–132:02 |

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Episode Tone & Closing Observations

The episode swings from brutal roasts and off-color one-liners to unexpectedly sincere or darkly comic admissions. Kill Tony regulars take a break, giving space to a broader collection of newcomers—accompanied by the expert guidance, goading, and encouragement (or destruction) from Tony, Redban, Ali, and Kim.

Ali Siddiq and Kim Congdon’s dynamic contributions range from deadpan roasts to heartfelt exchanges on grief, personal challenges, and comedy as survival.

For New Listeners

If you only heard the stories, you might think some segments were scripted drama. What you’re really hearing is stand-up’s gladiatorial proving ground, where amateurs, oddballs, and embattled survivors stand shoulder to shoulder—under the searing glare of ruthless but fair comedy arbiters, all in the name of chasing one big laugh.

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Best Quotes:

• Tony: “You’re already the 7th funniest female standup in the world.” (14:10)
• Benny G: “My mother and my sister stole $3.4 million from a major oil and gas company, though.” (53:23)
• Tony (to Uncle Laser): "You weren't a real comedian… It’s amazing to watch your growth on this show." (125:47-127:33)
• Dr. Rabbit: "No, you gotta go through… hoops you gotta go through, but, yeah." (100:23)

For those who missed it: expect a rollercoaster of strange, sad, and side-splitting moments—an episode that embodies Kill Tony’s unpredictable genius.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening.

[B]

To the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found.

[A]

At Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and.

[B]

Anywhere you get podcasts.

[A]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[B]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redband coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it over, Tony. It's.

[A]

Who'S ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian Ribband, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

What?

[A]

And that is the best damn band in all of the land, everyone. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nacho Belgrande. The great Matt Muling on the electric guitar, the leader of the band, John D's on the keys and the backbone. The one and the only, the Notorious D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God, what a show we are going to have tonight. We're happy to have you all. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible, especially ZipRecruiter, Shopify, prize picks and open phone. But here's some more. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though, let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon Music to Vibe to and all the things that make life more interesting. Right band. Whether streaming a standup special, building the.

[B]

Perfect playlist for the next show, or.

[A]

Getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama or just the perfect new joke book is the Vibe. Remember, prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.

[B]

Support for this podcast and the following message comes from America's Navy. The Navy offers new graduates, hands on training and experience in careers like computer science, aviation and medicine. Plus education and sign on bonuses. Parents, help your grads start their career [e-mail].

[C]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, two of the best comedians in the world. I book on this show. This week, no different. One of them has the most watched special of 2025, including 10 specials available on YouTube. The other one is one of the original regulars of the show. Twelve years ago, she was forced under the cruel tutelage unheard of at the time of writing and performing a new minute every single week for the Internet. Today, she is one of the best female standup comedians in all of the world. Our guests tonight, Ali Siddiq and Kim Congdon, everybody. Fuck yes O Kim Congdon. Ally Siddique. His new Special is on YouTube @ Ali Sediq comedy. He's on tour. Ali Sediq comedy. Ali sediq.com Tim congdon.com on tour. Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas. Welcome back, guys. You've both done this show before. This episode brought to you by Zebra Cuder. Shopify prize picks and open phone. Just made an extra few tens of thousands of dollars there. Don't mind me. Yes. Business is booming. Welcome back, guys. Ali, how are you?

[B]

I am wonderful. I'm doing great. Making a lot of money.

[A]

Damn right.

[B]

Can they do that money sign thing?

[A]

Yeah, let's do it one more time.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

We love that. Did the lights go a little bit. Do it again. Do it again. Red band. Wow. Amazing. You guys are. I love the firework edition there for no reason. Nobody asked for that. Nobody asked for that. Kim, how you feeling?

[C]

I'm doing great. Can you do the money sign but stop it halfway?

[A]

Yes. She's coming. Coming up the ranks.

[C]

Kim congdon.com for tickets.

[A]

Yes, that's right. You guys know how it works. About 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. They do a minute uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interrupt them and we talk about their lives, about their set, about anything that might be more interesting that they possibly could talk about or anything interesting about their lives whatsoever. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While we go wrangle the comedian from the bar next door that I just brought pulled out of the bucket we are going to start with a very, very special comedian. While he's not a regular and he's not a golden ticket winner, he's been on only one time ever before. But I want to see more of him. I think everybody wants to see more of him. I kind of think he's an instant legend in my mind. Make some noise for the long awaited return. Kicking off tonight's show with a brand new minute. This is Sir Winston Pickles. Fore.

[B]

Anybody else relieved when a severe weather warning turns out to be just an Amber alert? I've actually lost my cell phone. I accidentally put it in Malaysian airplane mode, so. So that's gone. I've been married twice. Buried my first wife. Shallow grave in the woods. No, that's just a joke, everyone. She's under the patio. The second marriage that ended when I found out my wife was a swinger. I know. I had no clue. No idea. I left work early one Friday, sneaked home, crept in the house, snuck up the stairs, opened the bedroom door, there she was. She'd hanged herself. She was swinging.

[A]

Sir Winston Pickles. Hell yes.

[B]

Hello, sir.

[A]

Welcome back, my friend. I love your style. Adorable, dark, dirty, evil clown. You are so photogenic. Videographic. I'm not exactly sure what the word is, but you play well on this show.

[B]

Thank you. I have my mother's eyes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They're an amazing job, but I have them.

[A]

Wait, what?

[B]

They're in a mason jar. Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Chris. See what I'm talking about? He just got me again. I've been Sir Winston Pickled. Fuck yeah. I love your style, Sir Winston Pickles. Remind us, how long you been on stand up now?

[B]

Six years of stand up. Ten years as a, as a clown.

[A]

Right. Six years of standup. Ten years in whiteface. Absolutely incredible. Fun times. Is this your guys first time seeing Sir Winston Pickles? Ally? Yes.

[B]

And I'm terrified. I don't fuck with clowns, man. And I'm sitting there like.

[C]

Do a magic trick. He'll run away.

[A]

Sir Winston Pickles. You're both British and a clown. I would imagine black people really are freaked out.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I haven't seen my neighbors. No.

[A]

You have black neighbors?

[B]

Yes, apparently.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

He's British. He's so white. This is like actually blackface for him.

[A]

So, Winston Pickles, what do you do when you're not clowning around or doing stand up?

[B]

Yeah, I collect things.

[A]

Yeah, like what? Well, people. What do you collect? Well, my.

[B]

My greatest accomplishment was getting the fingerprint of a school friend. Fingertips.

[A]

Fingertip.

[B]

Yes. A School friend.

[A]

A school friend.

[B]

Junior school. Yes. He cut his fingertip off in wood shop, and I picked it up, thought the hospital would need it, and I kept it.

[C]

This is one of those moments where it's not a bit. And we're watching this thing that's going to happen. We're in the documentary right now, you guys.

[A]

Did you put it in?

[B]

I put it in. I thought the hospital would need it. I mean, bear in mind, I was only nine.

[A]

Yeah, you were doing the right thing then.

[B]

Nobody asked for it, so I kept it.

[A]

Wow. What spooky shit it is. That is freaky. That part's freaky. Do you ever. Do you ever fall asleep in the makeup?

[B]

Yes. Often? Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you ever fall asleep?

[A]

I love it. Sir Win Instant pickles.

[C]

His eyes are so red, too. Do you see how red they are? They're so.

[B]

That's all these vaping.

[A]

It affects your eyes.

[B]

Yes. He has a San Antonio Mexican lady's eyebrows. Boom.

[A]

Ali Sadiq. You're damn right he does. Holy. I was wondering what looked familiar about you. That's what it is. Absolutely incredible. Sir Winston, is there anything interesting about you that we haven't learned in any of the other parts of the two interviews that you've done?

[B]

Yeah, I left England, and unbeknownst to anybody, I just took off. Ah. I had a psycho for a first wife, and she came home from work and I'd already gone. Moved to America, just like that.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Did you ever story.

[A]

Did you ever call her and tell her.

[B]

No. Just left.

[A]

Wow. Good for you. Yeah.

[B]

Ally saw a chance, got out of there. If he didn't have on the makeup, he'd be a pinky blinder.

[A]

Sir Winston. That is true. Well, Sir Winston, you got tonight's show started for us. Another solid new minute, starting with some dark clown fun. I loved it. Thank you so much. Make some noise. The show has begun. Sir Winston Pickles has started it. And now we go to the Bucket. Yes. And your next. Or your first bucket bowl of the night. As you guys know, this is where we meet somebody altogether. Could be the next future star of the show. Could be a crazy person. Anything can happen. Make some noise. Your first bucket pool. One minute. Interrupted. Going to Jenny Ann, everybody. Jenny Ann, starting off the bucket.

[C]

Hi, everybody. My name's Jenny Ann, and I bought the sexiest car America's ever made. And no, it's not a Tesla Cybertruck. It's a Mustang convertible from 1969. Yeah. Probably the year some of you were born. You're probably Wondering, well, why do you have this car? Well, I wanted to attract men who like beautiful, high maintenance things over the.

[A]

Age of 30.

[C]

And now. And I wanted to impress my ex and now I'm selling it because I want to impress my therapist. And so you're probably wondering, does it drive? Does it matter? You're in a 69 Mustang. Does it turn on? Does it matter? You're in a 69 Mustang. Will it make your dad love you? Does it matter? You're crying in a 69 Mustang. Thank you.

[A]

Jenny Ann. With exactly one minute and zero punch lines. Incredible. Jenny Ann. I don't even know where to begin with that. My God. Unbelievable. The good news is you're already the seventh funniest stand up female stand up comedian in the world. I that up. I that up. Your bombing is. Is airborne. I just caught it. Caught a taste of it. Jenny, how long have you been attempting standup comedy?

[C]

Six months.

[A]

Six months? Hell yeah. What made you want to start now?

[C]

I need to sell a 69 Mustang.

[A]

That seems to be it. That's a great way to do it. Yeah. Incredible. Ali Sadiq.

[B]

She looks like my financial advisor.

[C]

That's a compliment.

[A]

What do you you do for work, Jenny Ann? Oh boy. She's a financ. Are you really? You really are?

[C]

Yeah, I work in venture capital.

[A]

Wait, is she really your financial advisor? Ali said it like it was a joke. But this could really actually be your financial advisor. These people bring their whole entourages when they go do shows. Oh, I'm telling you, that's my financial advisor, the caterer, the personal chef, the this, the that. So how long have you been financial advising for?

[C]

I've been working in venture capital for over 10 years.

[A]

Do you really have a 69 Mustang?

[C]

I do. You can check it out at the 69mustang.com. Honestly, the whole thing sounds like porn audition. She came in, she was like, so you're probably wondering.

[A]

It's incredible. And so is all of the material that you've written in the past six months about this 69 Mustang and when.

[C]

I worked at NASA.

[A]

Yeah, okay, tell us about working at NASA. What was that like? Is the earth as flat as your chest? This is kill Tony.

[B]

She has hips though.

[A]

She does have hips. Hips have been confirmed. What was NASA like, Jenny? What'd you do over there?

[C]

It's like SpaceX's daddy.

[A]

I know what NASA is. I'm asking you what you did at NASA.

[C]

I worked in the bioengineering department on a project to grow algae and space.

[A]

Oh, catering? Yes, catering.

[C]

For astronauts?

[A]

Yes, absolutely. Okay. All right, Jenny Ann, where do you live?

[C]

In Austin.

[A]

Okay. How long have you lived here?

[C]

Since 21.

[A]

2021. Okay. Where were you at before that?

[C]

California.

[A]

In space.

[B]

In space.

[A]

Bioengineering. In space.

[C]

Dude, even in space they put us in the kitchen.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's true. It is true. And in space, no one can hear y' all yap all the time. You know what I'm saying? All right, Jenny Ann, so what made you leave NASA and go into venture capitalism?

[C]

I turned an old military vehicle museum into a hacker house. And I had like eight founders, and I wanted to learn how finance worked, and so I cold emailed and got a job in vc.

[A]

Okay, what do you do for fun? What do you do for fun when you're not. When you're not write jokes.

[C]

That bomb.

[A]

Right, right, right. But I mean, like, when you're not doing that, what do you. You must. When you want to, like, let your hair down and take the glasses off or whatever. Like when you want to, she, like.

[C]

Plugs her clit into like a USB and calls it a night. I'm pretty introverted, so I like, spend time with my friends. I go on walks.

[A]

You go on walks? Okay. That's from the therapist's advice as well. What do you do when you spend time with your friends? What do you. What do you guys do together? What is it?

[C]

We go on walks, we get dinner, we get drinks. What do you do with your friends?

[A]

Oh, wow, that's a good question, Jenny Ann. A bunch of. A bunch of highly detailed stuff that I would never tell you about because you'd be staring at me through the outside window. Because you have crazy ass energies. Jenny Ann, do you have a sex swing?

[C]

No.

[B]

Her car is actually pretty awesome.

[A]

Wow. What a follow up. Follow up to the sex swing. Yes, we know what a 69 Mustang. Is that the actual website? That is so weird. You built a website to sell 169 Mustang?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

You only have one for sale?

[C]

Yes. We can make T shirts, but have you.

[A]

You suck at selling this car. It's a beautiful car. How much are you asking for it?

[C]

Whatever anyone wants to bid.

[A]

Okay, this is retarded. Jenny Ann, this is crazy. Whatever anyone wants to bid.

[C]

Give her spots on Kiltoni for it.

[A]

No. Much like her jokes, I feel like it doesn't work. Yeah.

[B]

Is beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, the red stripe. I'm pretty badass. Yeah. All right.

[C]

She has a Mustang gallery.

[A]

That's what we're looking at. Yeah, it's. It's just the One car.

[B]

It's.

[C]

You're very type A. I'm actually pretty.

[A]

Typ, but yeah, Jenny Ann, she lowered her type. They know I'm b. Okay, Jenny Ann, I'm gonna let you go. I'm gonna let you go.

[C]

She's heard that before.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. I'm sorry. If he said it, it'd be funny.

[A]

Did you have fun here tonight?

[C]

Yeah, I did.

[A]

Okay. All right, here's a little joke book. Here we go. Boom. Good catch, Jenny Ann. Wow. Shocking. Shocking catch from Jenny Ann. All right, there she goes. Go on, Jenny Ann. Back to where you came from. Back to obscurity for Jenny. Oh, my God. Wow. Holy shit. Look at that. A woman with cleansing the room of Jenny Ann's energies. A woman with a fully operational vagina.

[B]

I'm going to drink all of this water.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

All right, back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise a minute from Jimmy Clifford, everybody. Jimmy Clifford. And here we go.

[B]

So my little sister is a conspiracy theorist. And the other day she walked up to me and she goes, hey, did you hear about this Helen Keller bullshit? And I was like, what was that, Alexa Jones? And she goes, yeah, my teacher's trying to peddle us some fake news saying this bitch was born blind and deaf, but I'm supposed to believe she learned how to read and even gave speeches. I'm like, yeah, right. Biden was the president, and even he couldn't do both of those at the same time. I was like, katie, Helen Keller was born blind and deaf. She goes, then how'd she learn how to read? And I was like, well, she had this teacher named Annie Sullivan who used to teach her little symbols into her palm, and she learned to read that way. To which my sister said, palm reading is a scam used to steal money from white women. I'm like, okay, you got a point there. I'll give you that one. She goes, how'd she learn how to talk? And I went, yeah, I don't know. Does anyone in here know how she learned how to talk? I had to look it up on Google. Apparently this is true. Annie Sullivan used to take Helen's hands, put it on her face and in her mouth, and she would feel the vibrations when she spoke and mimic those vibrations. Imagine walking in on that shit, just some poor little disabled girl finger banging your teacher's face over and over again.

[A]

All right, Jimmy Clifford, welcome with A super. A super topical bit about Helen Keller learning how to make noises. I'm pretty sure that bit was old at the time that this Mustang convertible that's for sale was made. That was insane. Ollie. He looked at me like I did the growl, man.

[B]

I've been over here suffering, listening to.

[A]

You and you go look at me.

[B]

Like I did something. You didn't help me, Ollie.

[A]

You let me drown.

[B]

Not my job.

[A]

That was actually the sound of Helen Keller trying to say hello, Kim Congdon.

[C]

I feel like we all wish we were blind.

[A]

And death during that, that was something else. Jimmy, how long you been doing stand up?

[B]

I'm gonna stand up for like a decade.

[A]

A decade?

[B]

A decade.

[A]

And you went with your Helen Keller.

[B]

I went with the Helen Keller joke. You know, apparently a poor decision.

[C]

Five years of that explaining to 15 year olds who Nirvana was. So. All right.

[B]

That was about as good as the Helen Keller joke.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Wow. Jesus.

[A]

Having a battle of the titans here. Jimmy Clifford versus Kim Congdon. Out of nowhere. So, Jimmy, what made you choose that material tonight?

[B]

I don't know. It felt mean. Felt like this was the right room for it.

[A]

So people, do they think that it's interesting?

[B]

Yeah. I don't know why.

[A]

There was a clown up two people ago. It's a sweet little room. I don't know why you'd be mean or dark or anything like that.

[C]

Yeah. How do you talk about Helen Keller but be the.

[A]

You now? Kim's pissed. No, don't do this. Don't do the stand up thing. Stay seated. That's. We're not on Legion of Skanks right now where you have to like, make sure everybody knows you were just. Just funny. Jimmy. Jimmy, what do you do for work?

[B]

I'm a video editor.

[A]

A video. What kind of videos are you editing?

[C]

Child porn.

[A]

Is it child porn? Jimmy, it's not child porn. What are you editing?

[B]

I edit all sorts of things. I. I edit a lot of online content where I make fun of people on cameo.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, I feel like cameo is pretty topical for Kill Tony. Most of the regulars is how they make their day to day wage.

[A]

Again, dead silence after everything you say, it's almost amazing. Like, if we wanted to get room tone for audio, we. I would just have you do a joke so we could hear. Make sure that we have the ventilation and the light sound of lighting and everything edited out of the baseline sound. It never gets quieter than when you try to make some noise in this room, Jimmy. So where do you live? Austin. Austin.

[B]

I live In Austin.

[A]

For how long?

[B]

About four or five years.

[A]

And where were you at before that?

[B]

Jersey.

[A]

Okay, you're from Jersey. What was that like, living in Jersey?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it was pretty. Pretty good. I lived on the shore, so it was nice. Latin, you know? I don't know. Have you been to Jersey? There's not really much I can say about it.

[A]

Okay. I guess not. 10 years in stand up and a lifetime in Jersey. Not much to say in either one of the things, I guess. What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is, Jimmy?

[B]

The most interesting thing about my entire life is I married an immigrant.

[A]

You're what?

[B]

I married an immigrant.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Where'd you meet the immigrant?

[B]

At Scotland.

[A]

You went to Scotland?

[B]

I went to Scotland.

[A]

What made you go to Scotland?

[B]

The Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

[A]

Oh, okay. So you. You went right now? Yep. And then what happened? You were at a coffee shop or what?

[B]

No, I just started screaming at people on the street to come to my comedy shows because, you know, I had to do something clearly. Kill. Tony wasn't moving the tickets for me, so. Yeah, I. I barked her into a show. She enjoyed it. And then she came back.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. So she came up to you and she goes, I want to see you cherish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then after the show, what did you do with her? You guys go have drinks or something?

[B]

Yeah, grab drinks. Got. Got a date going. It was fun, you know.

[A]

Did you hook up that first night with her?

[B]

Gentleman never kisses and tells, Tony, that's my wife. For sake. Boo. What do you know?

[A]

Doesn't tell yet. No, you're on a. You're on a show right now. You're on a show, Jimmy, Here's a little joke book.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Ollie, what do you think about all this?

[B]

That's crazy as hell. That a lady who has been doing comedy for six months and a guy who's been doing it for a decade.

[A]

Are in the same exact place. Yep, a hundred percent. A lady who's been doing it six months. That is much more venture capitalist and mentally ill than a comedian. Just body Jimmy Clifford, who's coming back from festivals. Just fresh. Ready? All right, Jimmy, I'll be honest.

[B]

I'm a little. I'm a little out of practice. I just had a baby about two months ago there.

[A]

Yeah, that would have been an interesting thing to say five minutes ago.

[B]

The most interesting thing in my entire life, Tony. I would say, you know, it's awesome. Well, I have. You had like, five kids. You can't say the one was the most Interesting. No, no, no, no, no. I have nine. Do not deduct my children. Yeah, I got.

[A]

There he goes. Jimmy Clifford, everyone. We're gonna keep it moving. We're having fun here tonight. Interesting bucket pools so far. Very interesting. Doesn't matter if you've been doing it 10 years or six months. The pressure can get to you. Ladies and gentlemen, one minute uninterrupted. Next one is Liv Taylor. Liv Taylor.

[C]

So I recently turned 31. And as a woman, I realized that now I'm in my 30s. There's a point in your life that you realize you're no longer in your 20s. Like that decade of your life is over. That defining point. There's a defining point for me, I thought that's just when you turn 30. Apparently that was when I realized I went from having headlight tits to a headlight and a fog light. Bitch, where are you going? Like, I don't even have kids to blame this on. And I'm half Puerto Rican, which is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. I am half. And I don't speak Spanish. I think I'm more of what you'd call, like, sorta Rican instead. And I get that side from my dad. Kind of hard to talk about him. Not cause he's dead or anything, but because he's just such a fucking narcissist. He's Puerto Rican. It makes sense. But my dad's like that kind of narcissist that's. He went to a military high school. He's convinced that he's a veteran. Thank you.

[A]

Liv Taylor. Amazing, decent. And somehow the best bucket pull of the night so far. Barely decent yet the number one ranked bucket pool of the night.

[C]

I'll fucking take it, Tony.

[A]

Hell yeah. I bet you would. You're. You're. You're half Puerto Rican. Is that why you think one of your tits is garbage?

[C]

Probably.

[A]

Still got it. Still got it. Leaning into the wind. All right. I love it. Liv Taylor. How long you been on standup?

[C]

Almost two. Two years in November.

[A]

Okay. How do you make money?

[C]

I'm a vet tech.

[A]

Vet tech?

[C]

Yeah, I actually have. I've been working for about two months. I. The last time I was on, I. I didn't have a job. I found a job not long after that.

[A]

So that's what happens. Kill. Tony Bum. A lot of people think people just make money off cameo here for some reason. Steven. As a vet tech?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're around animals?

[C]

Yeah, I actually work in specialty, so I work in anesthesia and surgery.

[A]

Amazing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What is. What is some of the worst animals to deal with that you've learned about so far? What are the ones when you're like, oh, no, there's a fucking Chihuahua? Really?

[C]

Land sharks? Yeah. They're pretty terrible.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Not all of them. I'll give some credit. There are some nice ones, but for the most part, they fucking suck.

[A]

Yeah, I agree completely. That's why we're trying to deport a lot of them right now.

[C]

Back to Chihuahua.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Back to Chihuahua. There's a Chihuahua in Mexico?

[A]

Oh, okay. Yes.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

You said it like it was one word. I was trying to. Back to Chihuahua. All right, there you go.

[C]

She put a spell on you.

[A]

Yeah. That was weird. It was weird. One of my tits feels weird all of a sudden. All right, Liv, what do you do for fun?

[C]

I am very homebody, so I like, hang out at home with my dogs, but I like to hang out with friends. I pretty much bar hop since I've been here in Austin and really just trying to kind of start a new life.

[A]

Religious about it.

[C]

Last time, no to God, No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not religious.

[A]

Right?

[C]

Yeah. No movies. I mean, like, just really hang out. I'm very boring. I would say. I've. I've really delved into comedy. That's why I moved to Austin.

[A]

Okay, what are some of the wildest things that you've seen out there in the comedy scene? This whole show, it's always comedians. We never really get to delve into the gritty. What it's like at the Austin open mics and whatnot. What have you seen? What can you tell us about it?

[C]

It's pretty. I mean, it's pretty dirty out here, man.

[A]

Yeah. Describe that for people.

[C]

There's. I mean, there's piss literally everywhere. I mean, you can be friends with the homeless or you can be their worst enemy. I choose the latter. It's, I think, better that way. I like to keep my distance.

[A]

I mean, how about at the open mics? Once you get there, you're talking more about the walk to the open mics.

[C]

It's literally what you think it is. It's just like hundreds of us just sitting around waiting for our names to be called. Some people getting sloshed out, you know, shit faced. I just kind of hang out with my, you know, little group of friends that I have.

[A]

You don't get shit faced?

[C]

No, I drink here and there, but I don't get faced exactly. At least on these nights.

[A]

Why get faced when you already have a body? You're right, Liv. Oh, come on. Shut up. What kind of show do you think you showed up to?

[C]

40 pound shed from last year, so I think I'm actually pretty okay.

[A]

That's great. That's great.

[C]

Grief's one hell of a diet.

[A]

Say that again.

[C]

Said grief's one hell of a diet.

[A]

What happened? What did you lose?

[C]

I'm a widow. I lost my husband last year. Oh, we talked about it last time. It's cool.

[A]

Remind me what happened?

[C]

He flipped his truck.

[A]

Ah, that's right.

[C]

There it is.

[A]

Always fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There he is. We have amazing technology here at Rogan's Comedy Club. Thank you to Spotify for. For the amazing technology. We're able to tap into the audio in Heaven. It is quite incredible. We do. We're getting word that your former husband is trying to tell us something right now. Hold on. Wow. Okay. What's his name?

[C]

Joe.

[A]

Joe.

[C]

Joe.

[A]

Joe is joining us from Heaven. Joe. It's a brand new segment on this show. We're testing out this new technology. That soundboard's terrible. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Wait, was that Antonio Brown I just heard? Is he dead? Antonio, what'd you say? I'll pass on that. Oh, my God. All right, so, Liv, if you have, like, a short term goal for your comedy, what would it be be?

[C]

I mean, I'd like to be at least featuring in the next, you know, like two years. I know I'm not ready for something like that now. I'm definitely still working and building.

[A]

That's a good goal.

[C]

We all are. So. Yeah, I'd say like two years.

[A]

Good goal.

[C]

Can I tell you a fun fact? So I actually have a picture of you with, like, I went to a show of yours. It was like the year before my mom died.

[A]

And what year was that?

[C]

2023.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I actually have a picture with you and him together. And you guys have this, like, very uncanny look.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, it's very odd.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing.

[C]

Going like this.

[A]

Yeah. Wow.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Well, if you had a husband that looked like me and he was stuck with you, I could see why he wanted to flip that truck. Come on, we're getting here. She's smiling. She's living her dream. She's on the biggest show in our industry.

[C]

Yeah, you got to be nice. She was there. Part of the truck is still on her face.

[A]

Oh, my God. You're getting. This is a very Roasty panel live. But I liked your set. So much so that you're leaving with a big joke book today. Liv, Just based on the fact that you're the best bucket pull so far. There you go, Lib Taylor. We're having fun. We're having fun. A lot of oohs and ahs from this crowd. Very sensitive crowd. The liberal girl whispering into her boyfriend's ear over there. I just think he's mean. Jesus Christ. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Benny G. Benny G. Here he is.

[B]

So I married the wish.com version of my high school crush. The original was named Heidi. Big, busty, like this. The knockoff? More like this. Arthritis in both hands. But when we finally got divorced, she took me for pretty much everything. I was so ticked off that I called my sister directly after and said I hoped Obama at the time went the same route as the funny mustache man and just eradicated all redheads. And, yeah, I was pretty ticked off. And she happens to have a son who's redhead. And she said, well, what are we gonna do with Elijah? I said, we're gonna throw him in the attic like Anne Frank. So. But unfortunately, that prayer did come true, and they ended up going after red hats. So I've got to apologize to Gino Carano. Totally my bad.

[A]

All right. I loved the first, like, 30 seconds of that. That was good. And then I have no idea really what the. You were talking about.

[C]

After that, I felt like I kind of got edged with genius.

[A]

I thought it was going to the arthritis. Hand opener had me. I was. Was very interested. And then something, something redhead, red hat. Okay. Hell yeah. Ollie. He's very nervous. You are.

[B]

He's sh. He's shaking so hard. I'm over here trembling.

[A]

The Is going on.

[C]

The clown just took his makeup off.

[A]

It's just regular old Winston Pickles up here. Benny G, how long you been doing standup?

[B]

This is my very first try.

[A]

Wow. Okay, that makes sense. No wonder you're shaking. Look at that how I am.

[B]

42.

[A]

42. What made you want to start today?

[B]

I've been actually trying to sign up since October of last year. And what got me down here was the Holy spirit. I found Christ a little over a year ago, and he put it on my heart to come be a comedian. Wow.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. So when Christ found you and told you to come to kill Tony on a Monday night, what exactly did he say? Say, and where were you, and when did this happen, and what did you eat that day?

[B]

It was a long journey. So I was an atheist for 40 years of my life. And in January of 2024, I called out To a God I didn't believe in. And I actually heard back from him.

[A]

Okay, so what. What's the number to God exactly? Can you give. When you say you called out to God, what exactly happened? Can you describe this for us?

[B]

Just got ripped off by my in laws at the time.

[A]

And how. For how much. How much did they rip you off for? Give me a number.

[B]

I. Not a specific number. I was supposed to be getting. Make 75% of all the calls I was doing, but they ended up giving me 40% and, yeah, was taken aback by it and asked my wife to try to rectify the situation because they were her parents. And she told me I needed to sell my belongings, sell myself, like plasma and stuff like that to make ends meet. And in that moment, I called out to God. So you talking about a real sympathy story here?

[A]

Yeah. This is incredible. This is incredible. Did God tell you to leave? That was the first thing he said.

[B]

So.

[A]

Benny G, it is me. I have come to answer your call. You deserve the 70%. You have to leave this family and sign up for Kill Tony on Monday nights in Austin, Texas. Your story deserves to be heard.

[B]

We actually did end up getting divorced, so absolutely. I. I had a feeling I was on the spectrum, so I went and got tested, and turns out I have Asperger's.

[C]

What a waste of a test.

[A]

It turns out in a stunning turn of events, you have Asperger's. Congratulations on being the last person to find out. They tested them in the parking lot, like a COVID test. They're like, yep. He just rolled down his window like, yep, you got it.

[C]

I saw his thumb in his pocket, and they're like, yeah, go ahead.

[A]

The old warm thumb. One of the first giveaways of ass burgers. All right, what's some of the most Asperger y things that you do?

[B]

I have really bad social anxiety. I. You know, I'm just not good with.

[A]

Well, look at you, facing fears head on. Absolutely incredible. Benny G, what else you been doing with your life for fun?

[B]

Not a whole lot. Just going to church and volunteering where I can.

[A]

Okay, so tell us about some of the volunteering that you've done. Have you?

[B]

I went and did a week with Samaritan's purse out in. What is that, western North Carolina or whatever, where the hurricanes hit.

[A]

Okay. What did you do there?

[B]

We were just clearing a bunch of different trees and stuff that had fallen to people. People's homes.

[A]

Nice. Very cool. Incredible. Do you ever get. You ever get. You ever get. You ever talk to the devil. I mean, if God talks to you, I mean, you might as well. Like they say lightning doesn't strike twice. But I mean, has the devil ever reached out to you since you have a direct. Oh, we have someone. It appears though, there's someone calling in. What do we got here? Where's the. Hold on a second here. I did get a. Hello, Benny G.

[B]

To be the devil. I know I sound a lot like God, but. Well, you asked if I talked to the devil. My ex wife did call on Sunday.

[A]

Oh, boom. This ex wife is getting a lit up. Oh, lit up? Hell yeah. You're nailing 70% of these jokes. I love it. Benny G, do you have any kids?

[B]

I do. I have three kids.

[A]

Three kids. I love it. And you get. Are they Grown up or 17?

[B]

Almost 15 and almost 14.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

Do they have the devil inside them? Like especially the 17 year old. No, he's actually on the red panel.

[A]

What is wrong with you? Do you have like your own quota for retarded shit? You have to say, like, oh, it's been 10 minutes. Is your 17 year old corrupted? What's the craziest thing about your three kids?

[B]

Not a whole lot there. I mean, besides being on the spectrum, they're pretty normal.

[A]

They're all on the spectrum.

[B]

All but my youngest.

[A]

Wow. What do you think you did different with the youngest? How do you think the youngest avoided the spectrum? Did you do something different?

[B]

Perhaps hold out, not be mine?

[A]

Oh. Oh my God, I am so saddened by this.

[B]

It's a lot going on here, man.

[A]

I love it. So what makes you think that that kid might not be yours? Other than the spectrum thing? Does it look different?

[B]

Yeah, she definitely does look different.

[A]

She's black.

[B]

Well, she does have an afro, so.

[A]

Oh, what was that?

[B]

I said she does have an afro.

[A]

He said, are you serious?

[B]

Oh, she's got massive curls.

[A]

Have you ever. That might be the best timed use of that sound effect in the history of the show, which I've been hoping would evolve over the past 12 years. But a fun fact is that is one of the oldest sound effects in the killer Tony playbook. 12 and a half years. Have you ever asked your ex wife to tell you the truth about your youngest child?

[B]

I have, but she's never said anything, so. And by the time, you know, we actually thought that she might not be mine, it was too late. She's already mine in my heart, you know what I mean? So I'm not going to try to.

[A]

Take that away from Jesus Christ Almighty.

[C]

Is There anyone you think it could be?

[B]

I don't know. In the 10 years I was with my first wife, she. I caught her cheating on me three times in the 10 years we were together.

[A]

Oh, my God. How many of these times was when she went to go see Ali Sadiq live? Let's talk about you. And I know this is, you know, obviously personal, but you've seen the show, and let me tell you, even you are crushing this interview right now. Everyone wants to look cool and I don't really have any hobbies. I'm a homebody. I go to my. I go have. Go to bars. What do you do for fun? Don't eat these idiots. And meanwhile, there's you, just unable to tell a lie. Just over here, King Bean spiller, first of his name, admiral of the Asperger's, the protector of thumbs, Benny G. Has arrived. So let's go through this cheating thing, which I find so interesting. And all the listeners guaranteed right now are enjoying this part of the show because they hear about these things. Maybe it's affected some of them. People get suspicious. Tell us, when you caught her cheating, how did you catch her? Like, what are some of the scenarios that you walked in on or found out about?

[B]

Are we talking about the first wife or the third wife? Wife.

[A]

Wow, this is incredible.

[C]

He gets hotter every time he says it.

[A]

Oh, De's going to one of them right now.

[B]

He must have found her back pages.

[A]

Hell, yeah. One of them has an afro and is completely blind. Plays a hell of a bass, though. Hell of a bass guitar. She's four.

[C]

I honestly feel like this is how Creed started.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so, Benny G, let's go to any wife. Just tell us about a time that you've caught a wife cheating on you.

[B]

So we just got done moving and she was supposed to be working night shift at Amazon. I couldn't find.

[A]

Well, she was working night shift at an Amazon. All right. Old anaconda. All right.

[B]

I. I couldn't find the mop. I was trying to clean up the house because we just got done unpacking stuff like that. I wanted her to come home at six o' clock in the morning or whenever her shift ended, to a nice clean house.

[A]

Oh, God, Benny G. Holy. This is incredible. You wanted her to come home to a nice clean house, so you stayed up all night. You sweet, sweet boy.

[B]

Well, I drove over to our old place because we left the broom and mop there to try to clean it.

[A]

Up before you even had to go back. Another trip to that mission. That you wanted.

[B]

I walked in, she was walking out with another man.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The old Bruman dust pan.

[B]

And then later come to find out she was actually hooking.

[A]

So she was making money. She was getting paid to do this.

[C]

Prime delivery.

[A]

Okay, hold on. A good one, Ollie. What were you gonna say there? Okay, we're waving it off. Got a tie there. We tied. So Benny G was. How did you find out? She just admitted to you that she was hooking.

[B]

It was actually one of my co workers.

[A]

He said she walked out of your old house?

[B]

No, he. He'd been on Reddit and he's like, your wife recently got races, didn't she? I'm like, yeah, how do you know? You haven't seen her in like two years since the last Christmas party or whatever. And he's like, well, you might want to look up this name on Reddit. And sure enough, I did. And there was all her back page ads from the time we started dating.

[A]

Oh, my God, what's her name? You are disgusting. Red band. I can't believe you would say this is a real emotional part of the show. And there you are asking, what is her name? Just out of curiosity. All right, so this is incredible. Now, did she ever give you a reason why she got into this? Did she need the money that bad?

[B]

After we, you know, I forgave her and we tried to stay together after that, but.

[A]

You forgave her for being an all out hooker?

[B]

Indeed I did. She found out he had one ball.

[A]

Wait. Yep.

[B]

No, I have both of them.

[A]

Wow, look at that.

[B]

I mean, they're not attached anymore. They're not attached anymore. See, I knew I was right. Vasectomy. So. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Tubes tied. You said enough is enough. Did you get your tubes tied by any chance before your last kid came out?

[B]

No.

[A]

No. Okay.

[B]

All right. Last kid was 2011. I got my vasectomy in 2017.

[A]

Wow. What made you get it in 2017? Were you nutting inside of a ton of women?

[B]

No, my second wife said that would improve our sex life if I went and got a vasectomy.

[A]

Because she wanted you to come inside of her?

[B]

Pretty much, yeah.

[A]

Wow. When you say pretty much. Was there something more it could have possibly happened?

[B]

No.

[A]

Just a yes. Okay, so she wanted you to come inside of her, but she did not want any little Asperger baby running around. She didn't want any of that. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, good, because she had met your other kids and she's like, oh, hell no.

[B]

Yeah, pretty much.

[A]

Right. Okay. Wow. It's been a long interview, Benny, but I feel like I could go on and on with you. Wow. Is there any other time that any other good of the cheating reveals? I think that's what people really love.

[B]

No. My mother and my sister stole $3.4 million from a major oil and gas company, though.

[A]

Wow. Oh, my God. It's like all the bucket pools, energy and answers went to one chosen man. I think God really is in his fucking earpiece. This guy is so interesting. Wow. Did they get in trouble for that?

[B]

Oh, yeah, my sister did. I want to say five years in prison.

[A]

Yeah. Those oil and gas companies tend to be able to afford lawyers and private investigators. How did. Did they think they were going to get away with it?

[B]

I mean, they got away with it for like 10 years or something.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Worth it.

[A]

And they tracked them. It's enough time to spend the money, that's for sure.

[B]

I mean, you can Google it to this day. It's a national story in Denver.

[A]

Yeah. And you were close. You're close with. You were close with them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What did they spend that money on? Do you remember anything specific where you're like, that's kind of weird.

[B]

I mean, hookers and blow. I don't know.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Even your own mother was fucking your wife at one point. Incredible. Benny, I love your style. You're so loose up here. You're smiling. And 15 minutes ago, you. You were shaking. An unbelievable job. Unbelievable interview. Thank you so much for coming by, Benny G, everybody. Let's go. A compelling story. His biggest fear, social anxiety. And he just crushed it during the interview part for 15 minutes. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When we were young, we used to dream of being anything. An astronaut, the president, a princess. That's me. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, maybe you start dreaming of owning your own business. You'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. It can all be overwhelming and confusing, but thankfully that is where Shopify comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started.

[B]

Tony, I love Shopify.

[A]

You can accelerate your content creation. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools. Get the word out like you have.

[B]

A marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns.

[A]

Wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. Scrolling, strolling, bowling, mowing, and best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. So turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony Go to shopify.com kill Tony shopify.com kill Tony shopifY.com kill Tony shopify.Com kill Tony all right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You know the moment you're binge watching things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery though, let's be honest, getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to Vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Red Band Whether streaming a standup special, building the perfect playlist for the next show, or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama or just the perfect new joke book is the Vibe, remember, Prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.com/prime. Let's see if this person can follow that. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ty Marion, everybody. Ty Marion. Oh, we know Ty.

[B]

All right. This is my fourth time now on the show. It has not made me famous, but it's cool because I still look famous. Like I know I look like a racially ambiguous Ross from Friends. Not too long ago, a dude came up to me in the street and said, hey, you kind of look like a special needs David Blaine. And then he goes, but I bet you're not allowed to do magic within 100 yards of a school. That's kind of fucked up. Cause like I won't even listen to Drake. But about a week ago, a girl rejected me because she said that I look like a wax statue of Happy Gilmore that was left in the sun too long. I was like, oh, you got a Sandler fan. Well, I bet if you come over, I'll make you call me big daddy. And she goes, I bet if I go over I'm gonna find out you have a little Nicky. And I don't. It's more like an uncut gem. Thank you.

[A]

Wow. I mean, that is true. You do look like all of those things. You are indeed the platform that God has given you. A face like that has led you right here in this moment with great jokes about what the fuck you look like.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

It is incredible. A lot of people with a face like that would be sad and have nothing to do with it in their respective industry. Meanwhile, it's like you have a prop with you at all times. I love it.

[B]

I'm signing autographs left and right. None of them are for me, but it's fucking fun as shit, you know what I mean?

[C]

I love the Sadler.

[A]

Yeah, it is incredible. There's quite a look. Are your ears fucked up or is that just the hat?

[B]

Maybe the hat, maybe. But yeah, I do have big ears. I don't know, I lost like, not like 55 pounds lately. And whatever has happened, it's just gone. All of my ears, like, I fucking hear everything too. So thank you, whoever that was.

[A]

Wow. Incredible.

[B]

Thank you. No, that one ear is definitely fucked up.

[A]

Yeah, that ear's a little fucked up. Right? Right now it's like a little chunky ear.

[B]

Is it your.

[A]

Your lobes are. You have gigantic earlobes.

[B]

God, it's totally two different ears. That's a new one. You're definitely melted on this side. It's definitely two different.

[A]

Yeah, it is an interesting look. Does your whole family look like this?

[B]

Nah, just you pretty much.

[A]

How do you think this happened?

[B]

Don't really know.

[A]

Have you ever. Have you ever slept before? Have you ever. Do you. Do you eat and drink the same thing every day? Like, what is it? Well, let us know what to avoid exactly.

[B]

Kind of like, I don't think it's really, like, food related. Like, I kind of do look a little different from my family. So Recently I did a 23andMe and I found out that I'm 100% unable to handle that many guys at once.

[A]

I couldn't hear what you said. D Madness just sat down and he murmured the words, this motherfucker ugly as shit. That's all I just heard. Even D knows, which is incredible. Born blind. But meanwhile, he walks in from using the restroom and can just tell. Can just tell. Ty, anything crazy happen in your life since the last time you were on the show?

[B]

I got hit by a car riding a lime scooter.

[A]

Okay. Did it hit you in the face by any chance?

[B]

N. It would have helped me out, I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, just one of these people, these great Austin drivers we have here. In Texas. Just not paying attention and went through a red light as I was coming through an intersection.

[A]

And wow. They ran a red light and hit you on a lime scooter. Yes, because they were going normal, like 35, 40.

[B]

She was about to make a right turn.

[A]

So when you say she, what ethnicity was this woman?

[B]

She was Hispanic. Ah, surprising.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Another L for the Hispanics. Okay. And what, did she stop?

[B]

Yeah, she could. She was on top of the scooter. She didn't have really a choice.

[A]

You fly over the hood. Well, like, wait, so the car was on top of the scooter?

[B]

Yeah, got it. So, like, not to harp on the last two stuff, but I'm kind of autistic as well. Like.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. We just had a shaky mc. What the. Up here a second ago, so. So it's not really registering.

[B]

My story is a little. I didn't get diagnosed until, like, really late in life, so I've had to, like, battle it and try to be normal and act like a normal person. So it's just a facade.

[A]

What did they tell you? That you have a face that looks like an Asperger? No. Okay, somebody order. Order number 33, Asperger.

[C]

I think they said your face has drawtism. All right, you guys. It's very saggy. Thank you, sir. I'm gonna kill myself later. You want to come over?

[A]

Kim has one joke that doesn't work. She goes on a six minute rant. You. Thank you.

[C]

Die right now.

[A]

All right, well, Ty, fun times. You were on the show again. You've been on numerous times before. Anything else crazy we should know about you? How did it end? The thing? She give you money?

[B]

Yeah, well, we're kind of settling that now. Oddly enough, the cop that arrived was the same cop that was here on the last story that I told on the show. Not to rehash anything, but it was the same guy. So he was like, hey, you want all this information? You need to go ahead and do this. I was like, I think I'm fine. He was like, you're not fine. So we'll see what happens.

[A]

Okay, well, I hope the settlement happens before this episode comes out.

[B]

You'll notice the limp now when I leave.

[A]

Oh, yeah, for sure. Absolutely. All right. Time. Marion, what do you have? You've had a big joke book before?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, well, then there you go. Time. Aaron, everybody. All right, very exciting. We're gonna bring up one of the rising comedian stars from Canada that's been on this show numerous times before here with A new minute. Make some noise for Ben Bankus, everybody. It's Ben Bank.

[B]

What's going on? I. I got two kids. I just had my second kid. And yeah, my wife, she tells people. Yeah, we had a second kid, you know, for our daughter, so she'd have a friend. Like, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Just my wife, like, oh, it's for my daughter. She needs a friend real bad. But I got a son now. Every. Every guy wants to have a son, right? Cause it's manly. And, you know, you've seen those gender reveals where the guy already has two daughters and then it comes out pink and he's like, fuck. Can't fucking handle this shit. So I have a son, but everybody thinks it's manly to have a son. You know, it's your boy. But like, my daughter, she's three. Not once in three years did I worry she was gay. My son's three months old. I'm fucking worried.

[A]

Ben Bankus. Remember the name. Fantastic Ben. Unbelievable set of the night so far. No doubt about it. How long you been on stand up again?

[B]

Going on 15.

[A]

15 years. A real pro does spots here at the mothership. Long story short, we were getting wasted at the bar last week and I said, I'll give you a minute. Yeah, dude, are there any signs that the. Yeah, that's the big behind the scenes of Kill Tony. If I get drunk enough, right? Next, I'll go, you know what? I want to see what you do.

[C]

You guys are watching the sausage get spots.

[A]

Yes, the sausage gets spots. Is there anything gay about the three month old that makes you think it might be gay? Or is it just a funny joke?

[B]

Yeah, I mean.

[A]

Or is it like sucking its thumb, like back and forth like that or whatever?

[B]

Yeah, well, like, he breastfeeds, it shits and moans.

[A]

What? All right, Jeez. Maybe this. No, Kim. All right, right, there you go. All right. Jesus. If you guys could just laugh at everything she says so she doesn't have to make a big deal out of it every time, that'd be great.

[B]

My kid, like, he breastfeeds, but, like, he was breastfeeding. Then he coughed weird, like he didn't like it. Like he was breastfeeding. And then he was like. And I looked at my wife, I was like, what the hell was that? She's like, there was a lot of milk coming out. It was probably hitting the back of his throat. I'm like, jesus Christ. Amazing Ollie. I like him.

[A]

Hell yeah, he's good.

[B]

Sometimes it's My fault because I'll like feed him with the bottle like this and then like, you just like, like rest it under my chin. And then I'll just like, like go on my phone and then I'll look down and like the bottles shifted and it's like, oh, yeah. I'm like, fuck, now I'm making them gay.

[A]

This is right.

[B]

This is a lot easier than I thought.

[A]

This is. Yeah, yeah. You're contributing, so that's amazing, Ben. And how old's the daughter?

[B]

She's three.

[A]

Three. Okay. And you're still with the baby mama?

[B]

Oh, yeah, we're married.

[A]

She's up in Canada.

[B]

No, she's here.

[A]

Okay. What does she do?

[B]

She's a stay at home mom.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, nice.

[B]

Also, can we play the money thing?

[A]

See, you're. You're just doing it. Standup comedy. Making enough money.

[B]

Stand up comedy touring the whole country. Just did Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Chicago, Rosemont, Illinois. All sold out.

[A]

Nice. Ben Bankus.com Ben Bankus.com Baby B A N K A S Check him out on tour. Unbelievable set.

[B]

Thank you, bro.

[A]

Great stuff, Ben.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Make some noise for Ben Bankus, everybody. Smooth and easy. Ali Siddiq, before.

[B]

Before you leave, I want y' all to notice something. His shoes are nice. The last two guys shoes were fucking terrible. That's how you know he a pro.

[A]

That's true. No, you're absolutely right.

[B]

Did you see them pumas on the last guy? I actually just started wearing forces and now, you know, I really feel. Feel for black dudes. With the creasing of the, like, I had to ask my black friend how to not crease them. He's like, you got to ball your feet up. I was like, oh, that's. That's why you guys walk like that.

[A]

Well, we.

[B]

Well, we actually stopped wearing those 10 years ago. Well, good thing you stopped before BLM. Just. There's a lot of taking a knee that would have ruined a lot of forces.

[A]

Right? Ben Bankus, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. Yeah. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And here is a new name. Make some noise. A new minute, new name. It's Dave the Butcher, everybody. Dave the Butcher has arrived.

[B]

God damn it.

[A]

Sprite as fucking hair.

[B]

Well, my spider's hair can't see shit.

[A]

Where are my black folks at?

[B]

Smile real quick. Oh, there might be one over there. Oh, I get it. Tony, keep them on stage where you keep an eye on them. You know what I mean? Keep them on stable. You can keep an eye on him. Bless You. You know, because it's messed up. But theft in the workplace, it's a motherfucker. Where we at? I got a little bit of a racist joke here. Just trying to break the ice. I ain't a little nervous here. It's my first time, so. Knock knock. Knock knock. Damn. Thanks a lot, buddy. All right, listen. Knock knock. Who's there? Damn. I up again. Never mind. All right. Did you see? Did you see? Wow.

[A]

Holy. Dave. What the are you doing here, man? Hand. What would make you do this? Why would you sign up for this?

[B]

I'm sorry, man. It's. It's bright as. I can't see.

[A]

Yeah, well, how would seeing anything? D. Madness. Crushes back here. He literally can't see. Kills every single week. Biggest pop from the moment he walks out. Plays like a. Like the devil himself. He doesn't go up.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Off today. Can't see. Yeah, crushes. Meanwhile, you can see a lot. Yes, the lights are brighter than they are in the alleyways where you're used to performing. Have you ever attempted stand up comedy before?

[B]

A couple times. I'm six months deep.

[A]

Six months deep. Yeah. Okay. All right, Dave. What the. Do you have a joke in six months?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a couple jokes.

[A]

Do they all end in knock knock? That's how the joke's supposed to start. Start.

[B]

It was supposed to be knock knock. Go ahead. Knock, knock.

[A]

You all right, you. Unbelievable. Dave.

[B]

Apologies, apologies. I up.

[A]

You did up, Dave. You did.

[C]

I got one for you.

[B]

Knock knock. No.

[C]

Knock knock.

[B]

Who's there?

[C]

Ice.

[B]

That's my cloth. I was going to say Homeland Security, but that was it.

[A]

Ali sed. What do you think about this, Ms. 13?

[B]

Terrible ass. You are terrible. Yeah, I was hard. You should take that mic and hang yourself. Fair enough.

[A]

You go by the name Dave the Butcher? Is that what you do? Are you a butcher?

[B]

I'm. I'm a chef.

[A]

You're a chef? So you're not even a butcher? You're not a butcher?

[C]

You're not butchers? His jokes, but yeah.

[A]

Okay. Where are you a chef at exactly?

[B]

Houston.

[A]

Okay, where at in Houston?

[B]

This little place called Philly Flats.

[A]

Philly Flats. What do you make there? What do you specialize?

[B]

All kinds of stuff. Italian food, Spanish food, whatever.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Sandwiches.

[A]

Are you good at that?

[B]

Yeah, I'm the shit.

[A]

Okay. You know what I think you should do? I think you should go back there.

[B]

All right, fair enough. Fair enough. I fucked up.

[A]

You from Houston?

[B]

Yeah. Making me look bad.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. This thing.

[B]

Check out the Kickstarter. They're clean.

[A]

Shit's terrible. Do you have lampshades on your tires like on your car? Okey dokey.

[B]

Negative. Yeah. I thought I was bad.

[A]

That was bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. You are the worst thing to happen to Houston since Katrina. It is incredible.

[B]

Fair enough, Fair enough.

[A]

You're terrible. Try work hard.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have to do something next time. There you go. No joke book, no nothing. There he goes. Dave the Butcher. Absolutely nothing. Absolutely horrendous. Terrible. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Evil. Wow. The lights even went off. Even Kino the lighting guy likes it when people do bad. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. This is Rob White. Rob White.

[B]

Kill. Tony, how's it going? Oh, my God. I did not think I was getting on the show tonight, otherwise I would not have dressed like a DEO on vacation in the 60s. This is a terrible outfit for comedy guys. I honestly, it's a. It's weird. Like I don't. I don't actually do comedy, you know, I have a full time job. I'm a tattoo artist by day, stand up comic at night, which is fun because basically I have two jobs that no one thinks is real. And. Yeah, so like, it was a weird thing, like growing up. Like, my dad's a tattoo artist and he saw me and he was like, seeing how I was acting like a tard and he's like, I need to solve this shit. I need to toughen up my son. So he sent me off to work to learn how to tattoo with his guy, Crazy Joe. At the age of 13 and 13 years old, I didn't need to be working with this guy. He was a fucking killer, okay? I mean, like, he wasn't killing it with the ladies or doing killer tattoos. I mean, he actually murdered a guy. He stabbed him to death. We could end there. That wasn't going very well.

[A]

Let's be honest. Check, check, check, check, check. That's it. The joke ends with your dad stabbing a guy to death.

[B]

No. No.

[A]

What the is going on tonight? Is anybody trying to make it anymore on this show?

[B]

It's a. It's a long, complicated. I should have chose better on my one minute, Tony. I should have chose better. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I am so dizzy watching him.

[A]

I know, it's crazy. It is wild. Sorry, Rob White. It's okay, buddy. Okay, so how long you've been doing stand Up.

[B]

I've been doing it on and off now for five years.

[A]

Five years. Okay. And do you have a joke joke.

[B]

Five years, five years ago jokes. Sure. Let me just do a.

[A]

Your best joke, five years joke. Okay.

[B]

Here's what I was working on, guys. What's funnier, the Holocaust or slavery?

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's a trick question because we all know the Holocaust never happened.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

It.

[B]

What are you gonna do?

[A]

Christ. What's your second best joke in 5 years? Years. You have another one. Another go to.

[B]

I'm failing miserably. The setup punch is not an easy thing for me to do. I tell to tell longer winded stories. That one minute does not help. And I didn't think this was going to happen today. This was like literally flew in today.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's how it go. That's a. That's what happens on a show where you sign up and your name goes in a bucket. People don't know. And then now you know.

[B]

This is what you do. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

If you could have done something differently, you said you flew in today. What would you have done differently? There's a lot of people that are thinking about signing up.

[B]

Fly in the day before. Maybe you should soak up the energy and get yourself prepared so you don't come up here and just wing it last.

[A]

When you say prepare yourself. Do you think the five years of attempting standup comedy could have applied at all?

[B]

Look, this. The one minute is a hard thing to introduce yourself and tell any story.

[A]

Format of the show.

[B]

Sorry, I didn't have any waka waka happen. No excuses. All right, all right.

[A]

And there is no waka waka. Now you're trying to insult the entire art form of standup comedy. But everybody who's funny gets laughs in a minute, even if they're doing a one hour long special. There's laughs in the first minute.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Well said.

[A]

So it's not.

[B]

Don't blame the audience. That's shitty of you. Yeah, I get it. I get it.

[A]

There you go. All right, let's talk about your embarrassing life. What do you got for us? Anything fucking horrible.

[B]

I have horrible stories.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

I started tattooing at an early age. My dad had me tattooing in the shop.

[A]

Are you doing your material again?

[B]

No, no. This is. This is like what I do every day of the week. 13 years old tattooing. So I've been doing my whole entire life. And I did the worst tattoo in the history of tattooing, like to the Point where it's on every website. It's every. It ruined my entire comedy and tattoo career simultaneously.

[A]

What was it, the down syndrome tiger?

[B]

No, it was. It was a Sopranos portrait of the family.

[A]

How do we find this?

[B]

You don't. All you have to do is you remember the show. Sopranos tattoo, Ron and Fez, Opie and Anthony.

[A]

I'm asking you a difference where.

[B]

It happened on the radio.

[A]

Okay, it happened on. So how would we find it was the question.

[B]

The guy I tattoo was Eastside Dave. If you type in east side Dave's tattoo, it immediately just fills it the in. Because I ruined his life too, right? And it's. It's. It's probably the worst. It looks horrible. So I did this. It was a radio promotion.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

See? Oh, it's hard.

[A]

My God. Oh, my God, the Beatles. It's so bad, it's crazy. We're gonna put it on the screen. For those of you watching on YouTube. YouTube right now. Holy. No, they're not going to. Don't. Don't ever do that again. I told you, it doesn't work in house. There's like, only these four people are.

[B]

Gonna be like, go, this. This was a well accomplished American traditional tattooer. That's what I've always done. No, but I was doing. No, it's.

[A]

It's. I don't believe you.

[B]

I'm this.

[A]

I think your dad was probably good at it. I think this is one of those things, like, you know, Michael Jordan Jr.

[B]

Or whatever, where it's like, this was. I wish I could see this tattoo.

[A]

Frankenstein, John Len. The tattoo is funnier than anything there. This is what I say. This section is disgusted. There's people vomiting. Wow. Oh, my God. This is incredible. Incredible. It's incredible. This is great. Great podcasting, everybody. Red band on the ones and twos. Wow. There it is. Red band is. He can't do anything. Here we go. Here he goes. All he has to do is turn an iPad around, everybody. Let's see how it goes there. There you go.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

There you go. People are just cheering. Red band. Being able to do the simplest of simples, everyone. What do you mean? What do you mean? I've been doing this 12 and a half years. I can turn the iPad around. Oh, man. I feel like this tattoo right now. All right, it's Rob. Craziest thing about your life. Anything. Ollie, Sadiq, what do you got? What do you think? What do you think about to be able to fight?

[B]

Because I would have beat the out of you. That wasn't like just a norm. This was. This is worse than what you even understand. It was a radio show. Ron and Fez. It was on right before Opie and Anthony on the radio. Right. So after I did this, they roasted the out of me. Do you understand? Like, all my comedy heroes that I was looking up, like Jim Norton and Bob Kelly and Louis every week would go on the show and pull up the picture of this tattoo and be like, what an amazing abortion this kid did. Yeah, horrible. So, yeah, I just felt like I thought that would be nice to share with you guys.

[A]

Well, it just happened again.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[A]

Twenty years later, it's happening again to you on a big show. Rob, here's a little joke book, my friend. Sign up again with. Try it again. Try it again sometime. Rob White, Holocaust denier. Rob White, O la la. Oh, my goodness gracious. The lovely Heidi saging the stage of the energy of Rob White and Dave the Butcher. Bringing us back to a time when we all felt like we were in show business. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. You know, it can be overwhelming to have too many options. Figuring out which TV shows to stream or deciding what to wear in the morning. It can just be too much. Well, the same applies if you're a business owner who's hiring. It can be overwhelming to have too many candidates to sort through. But you're in luck. ZipRecruiter now gives you the power to proactively find and connect with the best ones quickly. How? Through their innovative resume database. And right now, you can try it for [e-mail] Kill Tony. Tony, I think Zip Recruiter is the.

[B]

Best hiring site out there.

[A]

ZipRecruiter resume database uses advanced filtering to quickly hone in on the top candidates for your roles. See a candidate you're really interested in. You can unlock their contact info instantly. It's no wonder ZipRecruiter is the number.

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One rating high hiring site based on.

[A]

G. The number one rated hiring site based on G2. Skip the candidate overload. Instead, streamline your hiring with ZipRecruiter, where four out of five employers who post on Zip. Because we get a quality candidate within the first year, just go to this exclusive web address, ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony right now to try it for free again. That's ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony. ZipRecruiter the smartest way to hire. All right, let's talk about how Amazon prime makes everything better. You Know the moment you're binge watching different things and you realize that prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon prime isn't just fast delivery, though, let's be honest. Honest. Getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver. It's also prime video for all the comedy specials, Amazon music to Vibe to, and all the things that make life more interesting. Red band. Whether streaming a stand up special, building.

[B]

The perfect playlist for the next show.

[A]

Or getting new gear delivered fast, prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way. So whether comedy, drama or just the perfect new joke book is the Vibe, remember, Prime is there for it. I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.comprime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.comprime all right, your next bucket pool, everybody. It's a promising name, believe it or not. I, I, I have a feeling about this one. Make some noise for Just Greg. Just Greg.

[B]

What's up everybody? I don't know about you guys, but I hate getting bad news. But sometimes I think like, what if I got bad news? Like in a fun, entertaining way, then maybe I wouldn't mind it as much. Like somebody be like, hey, Just Greg, got some bad news for you, man. Your wife has one minute to live. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, that wouldn't be a bad way to get bad news. I don't think you know what I'm talking about, man. Maybe your friend pulls up to your house like I ran over your dog in the driveway.

[A]

Poop Bo.

[B]

Love that dog, man. Get me going for pancake. This is my impression of Donald Duck. Have sneezing is my impression of Donald Dog having sex with a prostitute. All right, that's enough of that. All right, that's my time. Thank you guys.

[A]

Just Greg. Hell yeah. All right, well, how long you been doing stand up Just Greg?

[B]

Not long. Three years, sir.

[A]

Three years. Okay. All of it in San Antonio.

[B]

Could you tell?

[A]

Really?

[B]

No, sir. I started in El Paso and then I just moved to San Antonio.

[A]

So you do live in San Antonio?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

How long ago did you move to San Antonio?

[B]

About a year ago.

[A]

Perfect. What do you do for work?

[B]

I'm a stay at home dad.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Hell yeah.

[B]

Thank you. I should have just said that.

[A]

Amazing. How old are the kids?

[B]

Six and eight.

[A]

Were their first words burnout?

[B]

Something like that, yeah.

[A]

Okay. You don't make money in Any way, how does the baby mama bring home the bacon?

[B]

She's a surgical technician.

[A]

Oh, wow. It's a fancy, fancy, fancy terminology. How long you been with her?

[B]

13 years.

[A]

Okay. Look at that. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Do you.

[B]

I beat boxer.

[A]

You? Yeah. You beatbox while you eat box?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Absolutely amazing. Wow. Okay. And two kids. Are you gonna have more?

[B]

Planning on it.

[A]

Very small family. For a San Antonio Latino family.

[B]

Yeah, for Hispanic. Honestly, just.

[A]

What's the most Latino thing about you?

[B]

The most Latino thing about me? Probably my mustache. I don't know.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Just grows like that.

[A]

Okay. You mow your own lawn?

[B]

Fuck, yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah. Gas, power. None of that electric shit.

[A]

That's the answer then. That's the most Latino thing about you? Just to let you know.

[B]

Yes, sir. I can cut a grass.

[A]

Okay. What do you do for fun when you're not hanging with the kids or attempting comedy?

[B]

I make videos on YouTube.

[A]

About what?

[B]

Beatboxing.

[A]

You beatbox? So that's your thing?

[B]

That's my thing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's better. It's the best thing I know how to do.

[A]

The first punchline that you did, did you say your wife has one minute to live?

[B]

Yes, I did.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. I don't think anybody really got that. I kind of heard it, but even then it doesn't make sense because why would the doctor say true?

[B]

Okay. What about the second one, though?

[A]

I think it would be. I think you should just be more on the nose, like you have cancer.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Something like that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No one would believe One minute to live. You know what I mean?

[B]

That's fair.

[A]

Unless she's drowning or something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But she wouldn't. She's a good swimmer, right?

[B]

Yeah, she could float.

[A]

All the horn players got that one. Look at that. Absolutely. Okay. Did you say 6 and 7? 6 and 8. The kids.

[B]

6 and 8? Yes, sir.

[A]

Okay. They up to anything? Crazy. Good. Kids? Kids.

[B]

Yeah, they're pretty funny. Funnier than me, for sure.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. What. What do they do that's funny?

[B]

They're just getting a. They're just getting arguments. They're kind of like roommates, you know, the. The youngest one hates the oldest one because she's jealous of her. Like, the other day she was like, oh, Elena says that she's getting boobies, so she needs to wear a bra. And I was like, well, that's a weird thing to bring up. And then I was like, well, it's fine. Just don't wear her bra. And she's like. But tell her. Tell her she doesn't have any boobies. Like, that's what she was worried about.

[A]

But that's.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Hope Red band has signified that he has an erection. Everybody. Six and eight year old talking about boobies has Red band. Very excited.

[B]

Is that. Is that your thing?

[A]

I would have him stand up and show you the erection, but it would turn into a home screen in front of his pants if he. All right, we're having fun here tonight, Greg. What's the craziest thing but in the history of your life, what do you think makes you different than everybody else?

[B]

I got a flu shot and almost got paralyzed.

[A]

Tell us more about that.

[B]

So I got. There's like a thing, you know that those papers, they give you when you get a flu shot that nobody reads? There's like a tenant. There's like a 10,000 cases a year that somebody gets Guillain Barre, which is like, I get. I get paralyzed, basically.

[A]

And you felt it coming on?

[B]

Yeah. Like, it was weird because I still had to go to work and I didn't send me to the neurologist until it went to the back of my throat. So I was like answering the phone like, you know, wow. I was in the Air Force, we're gonna say that.

[A]

Amazing. What were you. What type of work were you doing then?

[B]

Some. It's. It's a job where I just inspect, like life rafts and shit like that.

[A]

Life rafts?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Were you helping people illegally cross the border?

[B]

My family mostly, yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Do you ever get a flu shot, Tony?

[A]

I don't really think so, and definitely not as an adult. How old were you when you did this?

[B]

I was back in 2018, so I was like 27, 26.

[A]

Yeah, I don't really do that. Even Red Band doesn't get the flu shot, as you could tell with the color skin. Here's a. Here's a little joke book.

[B]

Just Greg.

[A]

There you go. Just Greg. Everybody. Beatbox, beatbox. Ooh, we got me. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Dr. Rabbit. O la la. Dr. Rabbit. Whoa. Dr. Rabbit.

[C]

All righty. So I do actually have a doctorate degree, but if we're completely honest, I am essentially just the Walmart version of Legally Blonde. But regardless, I still got a job at a college, and you wouldn't know by looking at me, but it was actually at a black college. So, yeah, I was a diversity hire, so I go by the stage name Dr. Rabbit for reasons that I thought were fairly obvious. And also because all the really hot girls that are blonde seem to have already taken the name Bunny. So that was off the table. But what I didn't expect was that the tiktokers were going to think that I chose Rabbit for how I fuck rather than what I thought was the more obvious roast. So. Meow. I don't.

[A]

That's a minute.

[C]

Sorry, I didn't know I was in.

[A]

That is a minute. The doctor is in. Dr. Rabbit. Hello, Dr. Rabbit.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

Oh my goodness. Look at you.

[C]

Dude, I love her. She looks like someone left their Barbie in the sun.

[A]

Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[C]

Well, this is it. I've done. This is it really. I've done a few, like, stand up nights, but not really anything.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

My rate. My professor would say that my class is kind of. Oh, sorry. My rate. My professor would say that my classes kind of stand up. But I mean, your what professor. Ratemyprofessor.com you can go read about. That's where you go rate college professors before you sign up for their classes. So she's a professor.

[A]

Oh, really? Got it.

[C]

Yeah, got it.

[A]

Okay, so you're a professor at a black college.

[C]

Not anymore.

[A]

Okay, what did you do at the black college other than scare the living shit out of people?

[C]

I don't think I scared anybody, but I taught cultural diversity, believe it or not. Her class was called get in.

[A]

Wow. And can you give us a lesson here? Can you give us what it would look like if we showed up to your class and just a, you know, like 10 second snippet of you as a professor?

[C]

Usually I walk in and I'm like trying to get the, like, oh, actually do it.

[A]

Yeah, do it.

[C]

So I'm not good with technology, so usually I walk in and then I'm like messing with the computer and then I like say some words and then they all laugh and I say, please don't report me. Please don't put that in my student eval. And I have to overcompensate for it. But do, I don't know, do what?

[A]

You do your college professor thing just for 10 seconds, just pretend like you're a college professor and I'll pretend like I'm a black college student. All right, hold on. On, let's start.

[C]

Okay, so.

[A]

Hey, what up? Yeah, no, I only got a few months left of this anyway. Spot on, spot on. This be looking like the. From polter guy. Got the I'm learning studies from the children of the cone up here.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Honestly, I'm so painfully white that like half the time I don't know what they're saying or I didn't know what they were saying.

[A]

Wow, I love that. Brings me to the next segment of the show. Dr. Rabbit, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

[C]

Oh, I do have a black daughter and I don't know who her father is.

[A]

One of her students.

[C]

May I clarify? She was adopted.

[A]

Oh, nice. Oh, the crowd's upset that you adopted. They were all hoping that you got knocked up by one of your students. Literally.

[C]

No, no, nothing like that. That's not why I still don't work there.

[B]

Just to be. Just to be totally honest. Yeah, just to be totally honest. It's not that you don't understand them because you so white. I don't understand them either. I have a black son.

[A]

I don't know what the fuck he be talking about.

[B]

You look crazy as shit, though.

[C]

You adopted a black child and you're a professor at a black university. What's up with. Well, not anymore, but yeah. Well, it doesn't sound like that. I did adopt a black child while I was at the black university, but I then left and went to an all girls university. That's where I'm at now.

[A]

But who is giving our children away?

[B]

Fuck, man.

[A]

Incredible. Do you only have one adopted child?

[C]

Yeah, just her.

[A]

Awesome.

[C]

Those guys. Two of us? Yeah.

[A]

Okay, great. Awesome. How old is she?

[C]

14.

[A]

14. Amazing. So let me ask you this because I'll bet you it did happen. My question is, did. Did a lot of the guy. Did a lot of the guys at the colleges flirt with you? Because a lot of like, there's a lot of teacher student hookups, I bet some laid it on pretty thick. Am I right?

[C]

I don't know if I'm really the type that they go for, but I mean, no, no. I'm kind of a pushover.

[A]

Can you please hit the money side.

[B]

Bruh? I'm gonna give me a Mustang.

[A]

Oh, no, you are. Is the line of the night it shall be sealed forever. That is incredible. Brought to you by ZipRecruiter Shopify prize picks and open phone Ally Siddiqs. Two new specials are at Ali Siddiq Comedy on YouTube. Holy shit. Okay, Dr. Rabbit, so what happened? Why did you leave the black. All black college?

[C]

She's got. If we're completely honest, she's got a lot of special needs. And it was hard for me to do it completely on my. So my parents were willing to step up and she had been in. Wait, hold on seven foster homes. And.

[A]

Yeah, the adopted daughter.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, I asked a different question.

[C]

Oh, I was sorry. Why did I leave the college? I literally gets left so that I could get help from my parents in Indiana to help raise her.

[A]

Got it. Amazing. So she has special needs. What are those special needs?

[C]

She needs a black mom.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I mean, I'm not great at her hair, I'll be honest, but.

[A]

Oh, I try.

[B]

It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube.

[C]

I have a feeling I'm not gonna have a job when I get back.

[A]

No, you're great.

[C]

All right. Anyways, but I don't even know what you asked.

[A]

What are the special needs of the adopted child?

[C]

Yeah, so she's got pretty significant fetal alcohol syndrome. She came from foster care, so I got a really reiterate that. So they don't think it's me.

[A]

Right? Exactly.

[C]

Every time I go to the doctor, I'm like, she's adopted. She's adopted. And I kind of look like a jerk, but then they see why I have to really emphasize that. But she does have an intellectual disability and some physical. Like, she has seizures and stuff because of the brain damage.

[A]

Let me ask you a question. When you adopt a kid like that, did you know that when you got it, or did you, like, do you get a discount or something? Like, how does that work exactly?

[C]

30% off? No, no discount. Foster care is free, so. Yeah, no, it's. Foster care is free, so I didn't have to pay anything, but.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

Yeah, I knew ahead of time. So at any point someone can go like, I want it. No, you gotta go through. There's some. There's some hoops you gotta go through, but, yeah.

[A]

Did she already, like, does it. The foster kids? Like, you do you get to, like. Is it like a dog? Do you get to, like, rename it or. Did. Was. Was the kid named, like, whatever the original mom named it, like, Hennessy or whatever.

[C]

Yeah. So that's a law that I really want them to change because at the age of 13, they can actually legally completely change their name to whatever they want it to be. And hers almost became Cardi B Ariana Grandeville. And I was like, we can't. We can't do that. And they're, like, telling me, like, legally, you can't coach her on what to name herself. And I'm like, like, we're gonna have. We're gonna have a Cardi B then. I mean, we can't do this. But she kept her name and just changed her last name to mine. Thank God.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So you got a black child that wanted to be named after a Puerto Rican white lady.

[A]

This is crazy.

[C]

Hey, she got special needs.

[A]

I mean, if I was her, I would have gone with Tardi B. To be honest with you. Where, Evan? What do you mean?

[C]

Aw.

[A]

This is Kill Tony. Nowhere else can you say Tardy B. All right. I mean, that would have been the moment. Special needs picking the name Cardi B. She's black, right? Okay. It's a whole thing.

[C]

You're an angel.

[A]

You really are.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

And you're so likable, and it's incredible. Dr. Rabbit, what made you want to do this here tonight?

[C]

I've just. I don't know. People have always told me that they think I'm funny and I was really self conscious. I was in a bad car accident when I was 16 and that's why my face kind of got destroyed and I was really self conscious, but people said I was funny and so I'd kind of hide and so what way to kind of reimmerse to the world by going on a on Kiltonian.

[A]

I love that. I love that. Michael Gonzalez is. Has an interesting taste in blonde women. He. So if you're interested, he's a professional rock and roll drummer. This here's a big joke book. Your interview was amazing. You ready for it? You got it. You can do it. Ready?

[C]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[A]

There it is. Dr. Rabbit, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Dr. R.A. rabbit. Make some noise for everybody. We're having fun tonight. A lot of people using Kill Tony for therapy, by the way. A lot of people trying to face their social anxiety fears on this show. Let me remind you all, it's about stand up comedy. And if you need help, Talk Space Space is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access any time. It's easy to get started. And as a listener of this podcast, you get 80 off your first month with Talk Space when you go to talkspace.com Tony and enter the promo code. Space eight zero right. Red band. I love Talkspace. Thank you. Redband.

[C]

Muy pequena, muy pronto. Pero subilletera no tina que sufri por la moda conos precious. Bajos de la vuelta clases de Amazon.

[B]

Amazon gasta menos son riemas.

[C]

You say you'll never join the Navy, that living on a submarine would be too hard. You'd never power a whole ship with nuclear energy, never bring a patient back to life or play the national anthem.

[B]

For a sold out crowd.

[C]

Joining the Navy sounds crazy. Saying never actually is. Start your [e-mail] America's Navy, forged by the sea.

[A]

All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Dimitri King, everybody. Dimitri King. Yeah.

[B]

What's up? What's up, Austin? Where my weed smokers at? Man, you gotta really watch what you smoke these days. I smoke this strain called Think About It. Yeah, think About It. Messed up my whole day. I took two hits and I thought to myself, I wonder what white people's favorite rap song to sing and say nigga, when niggas ain't around. Cause you know they got one, they at least got one that they scream on their way to work at 8 o' clock in the morning. So I've compiled the top five songs that I believe. White people say nigga, when niggas ain't around. Number five. I'm just kidding. White people. I ain't gonna expose y' all like that. No, no. I'd rather let you have a very weird conversation with your black friend the next time you get in the car and close the door and the radio turns on and he looks over at you and goes, the fuck do you be singing in here? That's my time.

[A]

Okay, Dimitri King. We didn't even get any examples. I was excited to hear the N word. What's your favorite time to say the N word?

[B]

Usually when I wake up.

[C]

Same.

[A]

Demetri, how long you been on stand up?

[B]

So technically 10 years, but I just came back on stage for the first time after eight years. Okay, wow.

[A]

So you did it for two years and then took an eight year break?

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Quite the lunch break there, Dimitri.

[B]

A little bit. Little bit.

[A]

Okay. Normally when someone does something and comes back.

[B]

Sounds like my father.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come on now. You know, don't come back.

[A]

Dimitri, what do you do for work?

[B]

I'm actually a founder of a tech company. Whoa.

[A]

Founder of a tech company. What is. What exactly is this tech company?

[B]

It's called Market Match. So it's a fun way to do market research and surveys using swipe technology.

[A]

Wow, you're a founder. Do you make a lot of money from that?

[B]

I'm starting to.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. What are we talking about? Like, how much money?

[B]

I mean, we gonna say all that?

[A]

Yeah, why not?

[B]

No, I'm good.

[A]

Come on. I'm good. It's a fun show. Like, what do you make a month?

[B]

Oh, it ain't that fun. I don't feel like getting robbed for fun.

[A]

You have it. You carry you make take it all and you turn it into cash and you keep it on you.

[B]

You don't have to have cash to get robbed.

[A]

Okay. All right. Fun answer. Dimitri, you have a wife, girlfriend?

[B]

Yeah, I have a wife and kids.

[A]

What does she do?

[B]

She's an executive assistant for a startup.

[A]

Okay. Look at you guys. Founder, executive assistant for a startup. Amazing. You have kids?

[B]

I do.

[A]

How many kids?

[B]

Just one kid.

[A]

How old's the kid?

[B]

He's six. Six.

[A]

So that's why you stopped?

[C]

And he's retarded? He gave it up for adoption.

[A]

Okay. Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God. Did someone read her my bio before I came up here?

[A]

Yes. So, Dimitri, what do you do for fun?

[B]

This?

[A]

Other than this.

[B]

Just go out and hang with my friends. It's usually about it. Traveling.

[A]

What scares you? What are you scared of?

[C]

Of.

[A]

You seem very comfortable on stage. I would say dolphins, perhaps.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I want you to think of your own answer. Thank you. Redband. It was totally worth it.

[B]

I would say standing up here and not getting a single laugh, that might be the scariest thing ever.

[A]

Wow. You'd be amazed how many people faced your fears tonight. It happened. A box bunch. Dimitri. Dimitri King. Any relation to Martin Luther?

[B]

Not that I know of.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Maybe Martin Phillips.

[A]

Oh. All right. Dimitri King, most interesting thing about your life?

[B]

I just started my business and, you know, I'm looking to. To bring it out to the world. That's about it.

[A]

Okay. Anything at all, anything interesting about your life other than the business? Little fun fact about Dimitri King. Like, for example, you once almost died or you saved somebody's life.

[B]

Oh. So actually, yeah, I actually almost died. I'm diabetic. And I found out by being diabetic by basically being put in icu. And I should have died, but I did not.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

My sugar was so high that I should have died, but I did not die. And luckily I'm here in front of you. That's everybody black? Yeah.

[A]

Incredible. I believe it's called Kool aids.

[B]

Great.

[A]

What did you have or consume that put your blood sugar into such a precarious position?

[B]

Chocolate milk. Wow.

[A]

Wow, that is incredible. Did you make the chocolate milk milk yourself? Did you mix the syrup in or did you pre buy it already mixed Chocolate milk. Red band loves this question. It's a good question. It is because you can control the amount of chocolate if you have the Hershey's thing. So it's a good one.

[B]

Oh, no, it was the Dutch. Dutch Borden chocolate milk.

[A]

So it was the premium boarding. Very well. Very interesting.

[B]

I was fancy that day. Can I give you a fun fact?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

About chocolate milk?

[A]

Oh, please.

[B]

I only drink it if I have somebody pregnant.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I don't know what. What it is. If I know if somebody's pregnant by me, that's when I start drinking chocolate milk. Any other time. I hate this shit. I done drink chocolate milk nine times.

[A]

That's how many kids you have.

[B]

Exactly. Other than that, I don't fuck with it. All white milk, buddy.

[A]

That is incredible. Amazing. What an interesting fun fact. Chocolate milk, do you drink it? It's Ollie, when you drink it. When your girl's pregnant, do you drink it straight out of her breast? That's where it comes from. Right.

[B]

Black women's milk almost killed you, pal. You're right. You're right.

[A]

You did almost get murdered by chocolate milk. That is an amazing fun fact.

[B]

They said I had a 2% chance. Chance of living.

[A]

Whoa. Hell yeah. Okay. My goodness. Dimitri.

[B]

All right, ask him, is he related to Bernard King?

[A]

Are you any relation to Bernard King?

[B]

Bernard King. What about Rodney King Jr Jr who? Jr Jr Rodney King Jr Jr okay. I don't even know. Still bombing.

[A]

It's fucking terrible.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. That's what happens when you go on an eight year hiatus, you know? Did you do any. Did you think of any of the jokes that you did from the first 10 years? I did. And what happened to those? Those jokes were good, but they were older, so I was like. I figured I'd try something new. Also, your jokes don't stand the test of time. I guess not. Okay, I'm done interviewing him.

[C]

Like milk, they expire quickly.

[A]

Dimitri. Fun times. Here's a medium sized joke book, my friend. Whoa, whoa. You can't catch the only one of the night to not catch. Let's. Oh, wow. Two miscatches. Let it be known that Dr. Rabbit caught her choke book in a stunning turn of events. Nobody thought it was possible. Meanwhile, the six foot five black man avoided the choke book like it was a couplet of chocolate milk. Absolutely incredible. One more time for Dimitri King. I very rarely get to use the word couplet on this show. And I'm excited. I got it in. That was on your bingo card. You just won a billion dollars. Okie dokie. We're having fun. We're in a silly mood tonight. There was weed going around in the green room. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Mason Bird. It is time for Mason Bird.

[B]

I have the mindset of an NFL quarterback. When I have sex, if I go three and out one more time, they're gonna put in the black guy, and then. And they should. The black guys can do spin moves in the pussy. I'm much more of a pocket pussy passer. My pocket presence is crazy. Dude. No, I don't use a pocket pussy. I know what I look like us. I know I look like. I know. Serial numbers set the X472. Not sloppy enough for me. Dude, there's a lot of double standards in this life. Like, if a guy likes trains, he's autistic. But if a girl likes trains, she's the coolest girl ever. Dude.

[A]

Make Mason Berg fantastic. Mason, you've been on this show before, right?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

And you were funny last time.

[B]

Thank you very much.

[A]

You're a funny guy. How long you been doing it?

[B]

Three years next week.

[A]

And you're from where?

[B]

Detroit.

[A]

Detroit. And you live here now?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Hell, yeah. You're doing great. Mason, what do you do? How do you make money?

[B]

Right now? I'm at Jersey Mike's still.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah. Dude, I know how to make sandwiches, man.

[A]

Fuck, yes. So do 100% of the people in the room. It's incredible. You take the bread, you put the on it, and then you put the other piece of bread on top. Unbelievable work. How many times have you been in the ICU for your diabetes?

[B]

Completely healthy young man. Never. I don't have diabetes. I'm. I'm certain I'm close, but I'm said completely healthy. Somebody get Dr. Rabbit back out. As you can see, I'm an athletic. I'm an athletic fat. All right.

[A]

Yeah. What kind of athletics do you do exactly?

[B]

I play basketball, I lift weights, I swim sometimes. Yeah, but, yeah, I'm an athlete.

[A]

Do a squat. John D. Says. Whoa, look at that. Oh, my God. Wow. Damn near fell into that drum scene. Yeah, exactly.

[C]

We just got a tsunami in the Philippines.

[A]

My goodness. Mason. Bird talking about being bad at sex. Being replaced. Three and out. Are you really bad at sex, Mason?

[B]

I'm good at sex.

[A]

What are some of your. What are some of your big moves in the bedroom?

[B]

I like to, like, pin a girl against the wall. With consent, of course.

[A]

Adding the word consent makes it a little bit creepy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I feel like any room you're in, the girl's pinned against the wall.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you put her up against the wall, and then what exactly would you do? Because there's space in between.

[B]

Yeah, you. So. So you got to create space. Right. So you Put the legs by the ankles. Kind of like a V. Like a really weird V situation.

[A]

When you say put the legs by the ankles. Legs are on top of ankles already.

[B]

All right, sorry. Put the ankles on top of your shoulders is what I meant to say. Ah.

[A]

Oh, yes. Creating the V formation. The old flying V. Old quack quack. The Mighty Ducks. Mighty Ducks reference. There's a man losing his mind in the middle of the room right now. Fear of the Mighty Ducks. And he's having a mental breakdown. Talk space. Use the code. Space. 8, 0.

[C]

He seemed to have a lot of competition with black men, too. In the bedroom. What's up with that?

[B]

I think every white guy does, you know, like fat women like me. And they also like black guys.

[A]

Ah, yes.

[B]

No, we like them. Hit the money sign.

[A]

Ching, ching.

[C]

Well, if you get them wet enough, you don't have to worry about the black guy swimming in it. All right.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So I'm gonna pee again.

[B]

Oh. Oh, no.

[A]

So you mostly hook up with bigger women?

[B]

Yeah. Pretty big girls, sometimes. Black women.

[A]

Ooh. Tell us about your experience with black women.

[B]

It's like the thing where, like, black guys like fat women. They kind of like black women. Like fat white men.

[A]

Whoa. I have never heard this before.

[B]

They're very aggressive to me, Tony. They're very. They're like, what you doing later, big boy? Whoa.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

And then they found out you make sandwiches. Get the fuck away from me, big boy. They call me big boy. They want it for sure. If they.

[A]

Oh, shit. Wow. Okay. So tell us about your experiences with black women. Have you noticed that? What's different between having sex with a black woman than a white woman?

[B]

They're a lot more bossy. They tell you what they want. And like, I like. I've heard it before on the show, but it is warmer.

[A]

It is, yes. Can you give some examples what black women have bossed you around to do in the bedroom?

[B]

Lift up your belly. Rub it.

[A]

Eat this. What, Big boy? That looks like the only thing you don't. Am I right? I mean, like, you're a good eater.

[B]

I'm not. If I'm good at it, I don't get a lot of opportunities.

[A]

You have to put it between two pieces of bread to be able to enjoy it.

[C]

He has some black woman left on his shirt.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, my goodness gracious. Mason bird. You see your parents are back up in Detroit. They alive?

[C]

Alive.

[B]

Mom alive. Dad dead.

[A]

What happened to dad?

[B]

Cirrhosis of the liver. Oh.

[A]

Red man, red band. Our chief Cirrhosis of the liver, Correspondent.

[C]

Even the liver was black.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[B]

He always said something black would take him out. It just was his liver. Us.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

Y' all gonna stop blaming on us.

[A]

In Detroit? They are all right. Right.

[C]

Mason?

[A]

Incredible stuff. So fun. Do you have any other hobbies other than stand up and making sandwiches?

[B]

I like to go walks in the middle of the night.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

It's not anything weird. Not anything weird. I just. I feel safe in the middle of the night. Peeping Tom. What else? I have a cat. I like to feed my cat. I like to make her fat, too.

[A]

Oh, okay. What's the cat's name?

[B]

Clover. Oh, but I call her Stinky for the most part.

[A]

Stinky?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Okay. You sleep with the cat.

[B]

She crawl under the bed sometimes, but sometimes not. Your cat confuses shit, Clover.

[A]

Come here, Stinky.

[B]

I like. I. I like going to strip clubs sometimes.

[A]

Ooh. Okay. All right. What do you tend to do with the strip club?

[B]

The first time I went to a stripper, I went with my father, and he kind of showed me the way. Just following his footsteps. I like to go in, you know, get a lap dance and be awkward with the strippers.

[A]

Most awkward moment you've ever had. Hold on. Let's check in with Alisa Deeb.

[B]

See, that's not a black woman in his shirt.

[A]

That's a stripper. Ah, that is true. Stripper juice, ladies. No doubt about it. We've seen this before. What's the most awkward moment you've ever had with a stripper?

[B]

I tried to walk up to a lady for, like, 45 seconds and awkwardly, like, walk, trying to give her money. And I just kept walking away awkwardly. And security got called, like, what's this guy steal? And then they were scared because I was bigger than them. And then more security showed up, and then they let me keep hanging out. Actually, it was the weirdest.

[C]

They were like, does lap band dances.

[A]

Do you have any plans on losing the weight?

[B]

Yes. I actually got a Gold's Gym membership last time I've been on.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Haven't. Haven't gone yet.

[A]

You haven't gone yet.

[B]

Gone. It's just $30 a month. I'm eating.

[C]

He loves eating.

[A]

How come you haven't gone yet?

[B]

Laziness, I guess. Fear of inadequacy.

[A]

Oh, proper answer.

[B]

Yeah, like, I guess I'm just afraid to be embarrassed at the gym by Jack. Guys. Yeah, those guys. Right? No, I'm just.

[A]

You're Jack, too. Jack in the box. Mason. Fun times. Congratulations. You did it again. You already have a big joke book, right?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

There he goes. Me, Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the bucket portion of the show. Now, it's an interesting one tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because I must inform you that William Montgomery is on a very rare vacation with his family. Yes, very rare. And Ari Matti is sick. Came back from the road and he's sick. Hans Kim is stuck locked in a sushi restaurant right now. And Cam Patterson is yet again filming another movie, a wild success story. So you might be wondering what the hell people are saying. There's Latino men wearing sunglasses going, what the hell they doing literally right now? So closing tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, a very, very polarizing figure in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long awaited return of Uncle Laser.

[B]

Y'. All. We got any trans people in here? I'm still gonna fucking talk about y'. All. What's up? Hey, listen, I got invited to a drag brunch the other day. Okay, that's not the funny part, sir, but I know what you're thinking. Same thing I was thinking, like bottomless mimosas, nascar, Count me in, you know? And when I get there, it's bottomless mimosas, but it's. But like, post op pit crew dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire, okay? Their wieners tucked under Lady Gaga's I was born this way. I was like, you weren't fucking born that way. You know you weren't. But I get about 16 goddamn mimosas deep. And I forgot where it was. And your boy got ready to risk it all on a girl named Peter, okay? And me and Peter started fucking sexing back and forth. And I'm a shooter, so I led with a dick pic. Got one back, and I was like, what's that? She goes, that's before. I said, what's after? And she. She's like, well, you know, I'm post op. My wiener done been repaired into old lady's vagina. And I said, well, that's not Christian, you know, And y' all ever seen a wiener that's been turned into a vagina? Y' all ever re reheat lasagna in the microwave for.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

But y' all ever been inside a wiener that's been repaired into a woman's vagina a lot shallower than you think it is a lot more shallow. It's like, you ever cannonball into a kiddie pool and scrape your knee on the concrete? My name's Uncle Laser, y' all been great.

[A]

Wow. I mean, wow. Uncle Michael motherfucking Laser. I know exactly what I want to say right now. It's amazing because all the golden ticket winners, boom, they started with the bang. All the regulars had something so promising. And boom, you know what I mean? We. We always watched them be good and then keep learning their voice and focusing harder. When you started on the show, you were nothing more than a funny character. You weren't a real comedian. There was no definitive moments of actual punches. There was just a bunch of silly, funny stuff happening and no big bangs throughout the minute. And you worked it out. You've been going on the road. You've done everything that a working comedian can possibly do. And it is amazing to watch your growth on this show. Absolutely incredible performance. I think my favorite that you've ever had on this show, but in real time. I mean, that's what's incredible about this art form is the people that really apply themselves. You get growth, you see results. So that's amazing. I mean, you could go back all the way to the first Uncle Laser appearance, and you would go, what the is going on here? And then here you are, the character that you've always had is defined, and you're working, and it's funny throughout, and it's still your silly, weird, like, methy white trash tone. So you're still on brand, but it's amazing that. That. That was. That was very funny. Uncle Laser, how's life going?

[B]

Terrible.

[A]

Tell us more.

[B]

So, you know, I got a problem with the homeless. Yeah, it's been stated on this show. And they must be at the public library seeing all the shit I'm talking about them on social media because I got my goddamn car stolen out of my driveway the other day by a couple homeless people. And I recover it, and they took a big creamy in the back, and homeless shit smells different than regular shit. It smells like it wants to borrow some change, you know, And. But then. Then, you know, I recover the. And to make matters worse, and then about a couple hours later, I get a call, because a while back on the show, I told y', all, I got my merch stolen in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and couldn't locate it. Wasn't being located. Okay. And detective from the Santa Fe Police Department called me. He said, are you Uncle Laser? And I said, this is him. He said, man, we located your merch. I was like, cool. We're like, where's that? Can I come pick it up? He goes, well, no, it's part of investing Investigation. We set up a sex child predator sting and nine homeless dudes came in your merch shirts to meet this 13 year old girl at the house. And I'm like, goddamn's right, D Madness. Try having your face on the shirt when they're coming to do all that. So. I don't know, man. You know, we're just out here.

[A]

Wow. So your merch is basically the Yankee jerseys of pedophiles. That's incredible.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And you know, just regular. I got. I've met some dominations there in Vancouver this past weekend.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And you know, I'm, you know, I'm always up for whatever. And I had these two of them. They tag teamed me and tied me up on goddamn closet, hung me upside down and jerked me off to. On a repeat to Ozzy Osbourne's Mr. Crowley. And you know, Antonio, you ever had anything ever put in your ass before?

[A]

Surprisingly not.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Shockingly not.

[B]

Well, I have. Okay. And let me tell you, first and foremost, fellas, there's G spot in your okay. And if activated correctly. Okay. You will ejaculate a bottle of Hidden Valley Rat Ranch.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

It's. It's got the viscosity of fix a flat. It can fix any tire in town. I'm sure of it. And you know, sometimes I'm just thinking I should just wear sleeves. But here we are, you know, Here we are.

[A]

Red Band has a confused look on his face. He absolutely loves Hidden Valley Ranch. And he's now wondering if that will work. If he ever orders fries and they forget postmates, forgets his ranch on this side, he's time. You ever put a finger in your own ass, Tony before? Never. Never. You didn't even go through the first water line? Nope. No, I. I have no interest in that.

[B]

Not in the shower. Not once.

[A]

Have you? Is that what you're saying?

[B]

I think every guy at least once in the shower is like, let's just see what it's about.

[A]

Make some noise. Gentlemen, if you put a finger in your ass. All right.

[B]

What a bunch of shy it.

[A]

God. Red Band. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Hi, man. Happy birthday.

[A]

It is Red Band's birthday. How many you think we should shove a birthday candle up his ass and light it right now? Those sweet butter cakes. All right. Uncle Laser. So great.

[B]

Great.

[A]

Unbelievable set. Congratulations. Fantastic. To watch your growth in real time. It is possible. People, if you don't believe me, go watch Uncle Laser's first three sets on the show. People hated me. They were furious with me. But we were friends. Friends and we had mute a lot of mutual friends back then, and I knew you were funny. And now. And now you're showing it in real time on stage. Incredible.

[B]

Can I shake his hand real quick? I mean, I'm a big fan of him.

[C]

He's never touched a black guy.

[A]

This is very exciting. Look at that, everybody. Third war.

[B]

Yeah. I'm from, like, Richmond, Rosenberg. I spent a lot of time in mo city. Like, zero is my favorite goddamn rapper, so I didn't know that. So, hey, I didn't know he's from Houston, so.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

H town.

[A]

Hold me down, baby. Oh, my God. Wow.

[B]

Thank you, Tony.

[A]

There he is, everybody. Everybody. Uncle Laser trying to up his street cred before getting off. There he goes. How loud can this place get for Ali Siddiq and Kim Congdon, huh? Ali Siddiq's new special. Two new specials. Just dropped Ali Siddiq comedy on YouTube. He's on tour@alley Sid Deke.com that's S I D D I Q. Ollie, you made me laugh so hard tonight. Absolutely incredible. Unbelievable. One more time for the great Kim Condon. Twelve and a half years of being Kill Tony royalty. One of the Original regulars, Kim congdon.com for tickets to Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas. It's all happening, people. Thank you to Zip Recruiter, Shopify Prize fix and open bone. The drawing from right. Ryan Je belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, James McCann with ice cream. All right, that's a special one. All right. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muling, John D's and D Madness. Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday. Sunset Strip atx.

[B]

Love you guys.

[A]

We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Ram.

[C]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

A daunting task unless you have a partner like Shopify. They have the tools you need to.

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