A (0:00)

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Fred Rick coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Edge Cliff. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Deity Brian Redband. What's up? And that is without a doubt the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for him, everybody. Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muhling, John Deeson. This is the Great D Madness, everybody. How exciting is this? When I tell you we have an un fucking believable show for you, I really mean it. And you're gonna find out all about it when we get back from these fine messages from the sponsors that made it all possible. I'm NFL linebacker TJ Watt and this is my personal best. YPB by Abercrombie is the activewear I'm always wearing. That's why I reached out to co design their latest drop. I worked with designers to create high performance activewear that holds up to my toughest workouts. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in store, online and in the app. Because your personal best is greater than anything. This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legendary nights. From backyard jams to sold out arenas, there's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly. Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee Whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee. Pro Savings Days are back at Lowe's. My Lowe's Pro Rewards members save even more with limited time. Doorbuster deals save $5 on 24 count. Contractor's choice 42 gallon trash bags now just $14.78 plus get your choice. Select Dewalt Elite series saw blades for $9.98. Not a pro Rewards member. Join for free today at Lowe's. Valid through 917, selection varies by location. While supplies last loyalty Program subject to terms and conditions. See lowe's.com terms for details. Subject to change. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I book two of the funniest guests in the world, two of the greatest entertainers. This week might be my finest work of my entire life, as I present to you one of the greatest wrestlers, one of the greatest entertainers of all time, and a front runner for the 2025 guest of the Year. At the same time, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Triple H and Kara. Yeah. Yeah. Triple Carrot Top. Y. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Hold on. I gotta sit. We are the Old Fox. Gotta sit here. Thank you. Thank you, Triple H. Thank you, Bubby. Oh, make some noise for Triple H and Carrot Top. Oh, my God, we are in it. Triple H, the man, the Myth is here. WWE is now teamed up with ESPN, everybody. All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service. And Carrot Top is also here. I'm the. I'm also in wrestling. I just started. We just. We just talked about it. We're going to do a little tag team thing later. Yeah. Oh, Oh, I better start drink. I better hydrate. Someone's going to be buried alive in a. In a chest full of. It is incredible to have you here. It's like Gallagher was here. There's water everywhere. It's very exciting. The greatest entrance in electricity and water history. How you doing, Carrot Top? I'm doing all right. I look great, right? Three microphones on, right? I have three. I know you don't want to miss a thing. Carrot Top is the reason I am now bald. That was my future, and I was like it. I'm shaving it. That's great. Oh, I love it. Carrot Top, one of the front runners for the 2025 guest of the Year, man. Oh, stiff competition this year. I'll that up tonight. Trust me. We'll fix that. We'll fix that. We're very excited to have you back. I see you brought your chest of fun stuff. Triple H's first time on the show. Triple H giving every wrestler in the world their opportun. He decides everything. Now everybody remembers their first time. Eventually, you'll know someone assuredly is going to have their first time here tonight because over 300 people signed up to be in this bucket. I pull a name, I hand it off. We wrangle them from a bar next door, and they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. The entire thing is improvised. They have no idea that they're going to be performing in front of Carrot Top and Triple H. So there's probably some people that took a little bit of mushrooms having a few drinks over there just like, yeah, it's probably going to be a mellow show tonight. And they're probably going to think that they're tripping their balls off when they come out and see Carrot Top and Triple H. In the meanwhile, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have the return of a really rock solid comedian who's going to do the first minute of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For the long awaited return of Ike Gazamon, everybody. It's Ike Austin. Make some fucking noise. Muslim countries don't have strip clubs because women don't dance when you throw rocks at them. Kamala Harris does not use the N word because she isn't black. She's Indian. Indians don't use the N word unless their liquor stores being robbed. This last joke is gonna be a really fucked up one. So I'm from Russia. That's not the fucked up part. Does anyone know how to say book in Russian? Kniga. K, N, I G A kniga. I know it sounds a lot like the N word. And you see, Russians in US are fucking sneaky. Anytime they want to use the N word in public, they say book in English, for example, that book had over a thousand bottles of baby oil in his house. Austin, you're fucking great. Thank you so much. How do you say your last name again? Gazarian. Gazerian. Almost Gazarian. Gazarian. It's Armenian. Okay, all right. You're everything Russian, Armenian, unlikable. I love it. Welcome back to the show. Ike, that was very Russian of you because there were definitely some civilians being bombed at some parts of that set. But welcome back. You're a famous character in the universe because you have a hookah bar restaurant in San Diego that we once read the reviews of. And it turns out that we took what was a very struggling business at the time. You were about to go bankrupt and everything. And we read the reviews on the show and from what I understand, business has 100% turned around and it's one of the busiest restaurants in San Diego now. Am I correct? That is. That is fucking true. Kill Tony. Fans are fucking awesome. I had 1100 reviews that took me 10 years to get you guys left. 2,500 in the first two days. And Yelp fucking blocked me for three months. But it was great because I could talk shit to all those shitty customers and they couldn't leave a review. Man, it was fucking amazing. I loved it, Tony. Incredible. So business is good. Business is boobing. The hookah bar part is good. What was the famous line? You can't smoke ash and your review is a lie. Yes, sir. So tell us more about it. Was it immediate? The change? Dude, right away? Yeah, right away. The moment the show came up, thousands of reviews just piling in. Piling. And I couldn't even read them on time because Yelp kept fucking deleting them non stop. And so did Google. But it was. It wasn't about that. It was amazing. Kill Tony. Bump is real, you guys. The show really has changed my life. I almost went fucking broke. And you guys really did say, how about the comedy? How's the comedy been going since then? Is the comedy comedy or are you just selling baklava? The comedy's been doing great. I just came back from a tour today. I did a Russian tour. Sorry, guys. It's a Russian tour, but hopefully I'll start doing more English tours. Local comedy clubs love me. I've been performing, doing 2530 minute sets. I've yet to do an hour, but I will. Okay. I have the material for it. Turn into a supervillain real quick. I have fucking material. I might do an hour. If you live long enough to hear it all. Carrot Top, what do you think about this? I'm trying to think. If I have a Russian prop. I don't think I have a Russian. I don't have a Russian. Nothing prop, but I just pull up. I have a way to have one. There's anything. There's the Cowboys new helmet right there. I mean, it's. I mean, it's. It's close to Russia, right, Cowboys? Sure. I probably shouldn't. We're in Texas. I should probably put that. No, that's hilarious. We love trashing the Cowboys. It could have been any of the helmet, by the way, which I was coming here, you know. No, trust me, it works for the Cowboys. You nailed it, Ike. What else is going on? Love life's good. Still with the wife? Still with the wife. Wife. Still with the wife. How is she? Is she happy with your performance here and the new money coming in? She's ecstatic. She's cheering for me. She knows I'm here tonight and I have the best fucking wife in the World, man. She. She lets me. Thank you guys. She lets me go on tours. She watches both of our kids while I'm gone. And I have a mother in law. She's a fucking bitch, but she helps. Is the wife super Russian too? She's Asian Russian. She's one of them Asian Russians. She's from Siberia. So fucking up north, it's minus 60 Fahrenheit over there in the winter for like nine months of the year. So she's happy in San Diego. She's like a tough lady. She calls you a pussy a lot. I'll tell her I'll send her back if she doesn't. A heck right? So she a tough lady though. Can you give an example of like, where you realize, like, wow, I'm with a Siberian Russian Asian. The strap on. I'm not kidding. I guess there's no Russian with that. Yeah, yeah. That's why. Take your time. That's why I questioned wife earlier. I mean, I was on that already. Hello, Carrot Top. Hello. How are you in Russia? Why you from behind? Which is funny. Cuz Carrot Top is her pet name for the strap on. Yeah. Thank you. It should be. It's John. Oh, no, don't put in there. All right. No, it'd be Carrot Bottomed, probably Carrot Top. You look like one. Oh, my God. I do. You beat? No, no, no, I didn't. I succeeded. You're good. Stray missiles just going everywhere over here. Ike, you did it again. Way to start the show. Congratulations Go to Pushkin in San Diego, one of the newest, biggest restaurants and hookah bars. Pushkin, a kil Tony famous, San Diego Delight. All right, this is where the real fun happens because this is where the whole thing can go off the rails. These. Some of these people are some of the most promising comedians in the world, hoping and waiting for their chance. Some are just nuts and crazy people. As you know. Anything can happen. Your first bucket pool tonight. Goes by the name of Sean Stewart, everybody. Here we go. Whoo. Howdy, y'. All. Howdy, y'. All. You guys drinking tonight? Yeah. Drink one for me. I've been sober nine months now. Yeah, don't worry, I still do drugs. Right? Right. But I have found a loophole to drinking where I can still drink without drinking. You guys heard of boofing, right? I shoved a buzzball up my ass last week. It didn't work. You gotta open it first. I really wish I would have found it out before I put a second one up there. I just thought I had a really high tolerance right there. Are benefits to boofing, though. There are benefits to boofing. Like, one, you get drunk faster, two, you save money, and three, I get to come. All right. So many benefits to boofing. So many benefits. I don't know if you guys can tell, I'm not very good with women. There we go. All right, Sean Stewart. Good stuff. Thank you. This is your first time on the show? This is my fifth. Wow, look at that. Yeah. Such a memorable character. I guess not. I guess not. I took three months off, actually. I tried to get some new jokes and prepare a little bit. You took three months off? Yeah. You just did open mics and stuff during that time? No, I did it some. I went out to Vegas, did a show or two out there. Been trying to get around, did the Vulcan. Finally. Almost two years into comedy now. So, okay, what do you do for work? I'm about to leave my job, so I just want to say fuck AT and T. Wow. That's one way to do it. Yeah. I absolutely hate the company. I've been there for two years after they outsourced my job to Mexico. My goodness. Yeah, his phone just died. Nah, I have T mobile. It's still cheaper even with the discount. Wow. What did they do to you? What did AT&T do to you? Well, I worked in, like, tech support and I trained Mexico to do my job like two years ago, and they took my job. They didn't even come to America. It was in Mexico City. I trained them over Zoom. Wow. They didn't even fly you to Mexico for that? Nope. Damn. So now I'm doing customer support and I've been talking to, like grandmothers for the past two years and I'm very mean to your grandmother for no reason. It's the company's fault, though. What's your plan? Where are you going to go after this? No more AT and T. What are you going to do now? I've been doing photography for about a year or so and I got a job. So you're gonna go broke? No, no, no. Take pictures of other people that make more money than you. I wouldn't leave unless I had, like, a good backup plan. That's why I've been like, stuck there for a year in therapy. I started going to therapy because of the job was stressing me out so much. Wow. Yeah. Your grandmothers really need to learn how to like, reset a Google password. It's a 5 year old can do it. I've made some of them cry and I'm not proud of it. I Feel like a bad person. Well, I promise you, the. The other people that answer those calls on the other side of the world are much more frustrating than you, probably. Yeah. Actually, people tell me like, ah, thank you for being so candid. Because I'm like, the company doesn't care about you. The company doesn't care about me. They're like, I've been with the company for 15 years. And I was like, I've been with the company for seven years and they got rid of my job. We're numbers on a graph. Like, lady, do they know is AT&T on to you at all, or is this all going to be a big surprise? This is shocking that he still has a job in the way. Right. It's been a year that I've been talking to customers like this. I. I accidentally. I probably. I cussed one of them out by accident. I forgot to mute my mic. Wow. It was 30 minutes. All she needed to do was accept the terms and conditions. And I go to mute my mic. I was like, I fucking hate you. I hate this fucking job. Please fucking kill me. And she's just like, are you okay? And I was like, oh, I wasn't muted. Sorry about that. And she. I got lucky, though. She didn't report me. Cause she thought I was talking about the computer. And she's like, it's okay. I fucking hate the Internet too, and these computers. It's all right, Sonny. And I'm like, ah, thank God. That's amazing. Sean. Yeah. What's the rest of your life like? What do you do for fun? Used to rock climb a bit. I like going out in nature and hiking and stuff. Boofing. Boofing? Yeah, and boofing and boofing. I want to try boofing tamale. All right. Are you. Have you really been sober for nine months? Oh, from alcohol? Yeah, I had a. I like it. Not a fucking shot. I fucking question. Nine minutes. I still smoke weed. California's sober. But saying sober just makes you feel better about yourself. It does, yeah. Yeah. Like, I should have a chip too, I think. Do you go to meetings? How do you stay sober? What's your trick? I just stopped drinking. I just don't buy drinks anymore. I was in Vegas actually, recently. Didn't take any free drinks. And I was gambling the whole time. Oh, man. I'm there. I didn't see. I have a. Can I do my. Yeah, Carrot Top. Can I do my. Can I do my drinking? I just made this and I may never tried this, so why not do it? On live television and live kill. Tony. People get drunk, right? You're whatever. You get drunk and guys punch the wall. You probably punch too many walls. But guys are like, fuck, they break their hand, they hit the wall. They don't know. So there should be a beer with a stud finder so you know exactly where the fucking bitch. That might be the. That might be the winner. It won't go off if you wave it over me one in. That's. From a boofing standpoint, the stud finder is for the wall. Honestly, I prefer more like the blue moon size. Have you ever actually boofed before you brought that up? No, no, I haven't actually boofed. I sat on like something by accident and it hurt and I don't really understand analysis. The old whoops, boof. No, just like something like misoddly shaped. And I was like, ah, why do people do anal? I was like, it like hurts. Heck yeah. Let's go back to your love life for a second. When's the last time you had a girlfriend or were with a girl or anything like that? I recently got out of something like a month ago or so, and she has an expensive keyboard from me because she was like a nerdy girl that was playing video games. I was like, I got a keyboard, extra keyboard and she just ghosted me. Like a computer keyboard? Yeah. I. I don't. I want my keyboard back because we never even played video games together. She just took my keyboard. Wow. It sounds like it's time for a new episode of the Nerds. People. Corner over here on the. On the boofing side. You might want to hit the first guy that was out here. I think his wife's got some tips for you that might be able to help you out. Yeah, she can fit a lot in there. Or you'd have to ask him. You seem to enjoy it though. So, ah, Sean, this girl that ended up with your fancy keyboard. Why did the relationship end? What was the last straw there? Can you give us a real example of how it. What went wrong in that thing really just fizzled out. I. I kind of think I just committed too hard a little bit. But she also like posted the. Or like set it up as like, ah, I only want a relationship. I don't want to hook up. And I was like, yeah, that's why I'm not really hooking up right now. I'm not trying to get into anything. And so opened myself up and thought we were going for that and it just didn't work out. Wow. Yeah. Okay. She was young too. 22. I'm 28. So I was like, I wasn't trying to get into anything. She just came over and was like talking to me a whole bunch. I was like, yeah, I guess we can go out. This is very vulnerable for the show. What the fuck? I mean, this is the show. This is the show you're on. He's being Shiloh Boof. Good job. Red band Shy Laboo. Have you gotten a big joke book? And you're five times on the show. There you go. Then you're all good. There he goes. Sean Stewart, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving along. Sean Stewart knocking it out. Onto the next one we go. We're gonna keep it moving. This is 60 seconds. Oh, the lovely Heidi is here, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Best drinks in the world. No matter what it may be, when she makes it, there's nothing better. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When we were young, we used to dream of being anything. An astronaut, the president, a fireman. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, start dreaming of owning your own business. You'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. Thankfully, that's where today's sponsor, Shopify comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style. Red Band Tony. Shopify is the best. I Shopify all the time. And it's packed with helpful AI tools. Now you can accelerate your content creation. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create emails and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. Shopify is your commerce expert. So turn off your big business idea into with Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com killtoni go to shopify.com killtony Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights and likes complicated recipes. But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the EAS With Expedia. She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more. Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower. You were made to take the easy route. We were made to easily package your trip. Expedia made to travel flight inclusive packages are atoll protected. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Holder. Everyone, Mike Holder. Here we go. Make some noise for Mike, everybody. Thank you guys very much. Thank you very much. I'm not sure if you guys know who I am, but I'm on a lot of street signs. It's the signs that say pedestrian crossing and I'm standing like this. Thought you might recognize me with my clothes on. Maybe not a couple phrases that piss me off. I hate it when someone starts telling me a story and halfway through they say, anyway, long story short. Then they continue to make the story longer. My God, man. What do we call people who wake up at point? Some sunrise. Early birds. As if they are late Birds. I thought all birds wake up early. What do you think there's a bird somewhere waking up at 10 o' clock saying, oh, shit, I missed my flight. Would never fucking happen. Since they lock your phones away, I assume you haven't heard the news. Earlier today, a group of chickens were protesting the use of hormones. It was a peaceful protest, but some are raising canes. In tragic news, a fatal shooting at a golf resort resulted in a hole in one and three handicaps. It was tragic. Regarding the Epstein scandal. Honestly, all this time, I was never interested in seeing the list. I just wanted to know, why is that place still called the Virgin Islands? There's not a single virgin left. That grandma shall be. Mike Holder. Mike Holder. Surprisingly not. The bucket pool. That was works customer service for AT&T. Close. I've worked sales for AT&T. Huh? I've worked sales for AT&TS. Are you serious? To God? That's my last job. Wow. Swear to God. Wow. Spot on. Unbelievable. AT&T.HR has to put a lot of work to do when this episode comes out. This guy's gone. This guy's getting a promotion. Mike Holt. Her. How long have you been working for at&t? Less than a year. Okay. How do you like it? Did they treat you well? Yeah, thank God. Wow, look at this. Isn't that amazing? This is like actual their service. You find out someone's got at and T.1 person hates it, the other person loves it. It works for me. I'm in sales, not in. Oh, okay. So you're the one selling the shitty devices that poor Sean has to defend and fix for everybody. You got me. Amazing. How long. What do you. How long you been doing? Stand up, Mike. Three years. Three and a half years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I started in Arizona. Two and a half years in Arizona. Is that where you're from? No, I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. Sudan? Yeah. Oh my goodness. How long have you been in America? A little over five years coming up for six years, yeah. And you were born and raised in Sudan? Born and raised in Saudi Arabia. Between there and Sudan. Most of my life in Sudan, yeah. Okay. Wow, look at that. All right, so tell us about your times in Sudan and Saudi Arabia. What? Oh, normal, I guess, from our standards. Okay, when you say normal, what do you mean exactly? I mean it's. It's a hard life. There's a war torn country now, Sudan. But can you tell us more about that? There's a lot of Americans that have no idea where Sudan is on a map. North Africa. Fun fact about Sudan. We got more pyramids than. Than Egypt. You have what? More pyramids than Egypt. Okay. Odd fact, but I guess that's the only thing that's good about it. All right. It's a messed up country, unfortunately. It's North Africa, war torn because of political. And we're. We are cursed with resources. Like what? Oil, gold. Stop. Red Ban. Oh my God. How dare you do that? No, don't play the flight noise. That's not one of their many resources. Were there a lot of flies where you were? No. No, thank God. No. All right, perfect. You have a girlfriend, Mike? Nope. Single. Single? Yeah. What type of girl are you into? What are you looking for? I don't know. I just know it when I see it. To be honest. I noticed when I asked that you went like that with your hands as if they're like something a little bit bigger. Supporter? No. No. Maybe a Trump supporter? No. Okay. You just have no particular type? No. To be honest, I. I don't know. You don't know. Okay. European maybe. European? Are you just saying? Are you? No. That's the same thing. The first thing that came to mind. Have you never thought of this before? I don't think about it. I just don't know what I see, though. I don't know what to say. Your last girlfriend, what did she look like? British. British. She looked British. She looked British. No, she was. Which means she project. I checked the dental record. Because she's British. Right, got it. What else are you into, Mike? You seem like a guy that has some interesting hobbies. You have any special skills or talents? Other than I play soccer. I guess that's a special talent in America. Uh huh. Not really. That's more exciting. He's on the sign. He's what? He's on the sign. His opening joke. He's he's the guy. He didn't listen. You know, I feel really bad for triple eight. You can't see my hair the whole time. He can't see a guy. God damn thing. It's very easy, your hair. I don't know if you know what you're dealing with there. It's like. It's like a perfect window. It's like a light. Light mist. If I may say, I never would expected to see Triple H and Carrots off on I had a feeling. We're always together. What do you think? Always. I love it. Mike, what's the most most interesting thing about your life? You've lived in Sudan, Saudi Arabia. I mean, you gotta tell us something. You must have seen some crazy stuff or something, right? I've seen some crazy, unfortunate stuff in Sudan, but honestly, I'm just blessed to have traveled the world. I'm just blessed. You just completely skipped the question that I just asked on a live professional show. It was well executed. The question. Make some up, dude. I don't know how to make it up. I don't know how to make it up. Mike, you must have seen something interesting that Americans could never fathom in Sudan or Saudi Arabia. Nothing at all. Red man, come on. Red man. Nothing. You don't have an answer to that question. Sad stories in Sudan about waiting for fuel for a whole day. I don't know what to tell you. It's sad stories. Waiting for. Waiting for fuel, waiting in line for fuel, waiting for bread. We've all waited in line. There was a long line at the Chevron the other day. That's a big deal. I've been through that. I wa. Waited like 10 minutes. Is that what it was like? There was a car. There was some lady parked the wrong way and that. At the pump? No. So the pump was working. You actually had gas. Oh, you're blessed all right, Mike. One of the most depressing bucket pools in the history of the show. But fun times. You did it. You got up. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations, Mike Holder, everyone. We're flying through it tonight, everybody. Tonight. Hey, Tony. Yes? Can I do. Only because last time I was on the show, people say, how did you have a prop for everything? You have a sedan? I wish I did, but everyone talking about working for phone companies. So I've got a phone. One. This is good. Oh, it got quiet. No, you like it. This is a cell phone case. So your girlfriend or wife can't get into it when you go to bed at night. Now, it was a Trunk Joe, because he can't tweet, right? Stop tweeting. But it's better. Just a generic. Guys. Can't. It's all cracked and broke. Thank you, American Airlines, just as a warning to you down here, like, take my advice, do not look directly into the box. I glanced in that thing. I regret it. So that's. I've made that mistake before. It is very frightening over there. There's weird in here. There's a lot of. There's a lot of, lot of. Lot of boofable objects in that treasure chest. No, there's some good ones. There's some good ones. We're gonna be. Keep it moving along here. Maybe we'll get more out of Carrot Top's treasure chest in a bit. Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute goes by the name of Matt Rivera, everybody. Here we go. Matt Rivera. My grandpa just had a kid. Yeah, it's. It's actually pretty fucked up. I don't think that old people should have kids. After a certain point, I think it's inconsiderate to the rest of your family. You know, it really screws up your family tree. Like, why the fuck do I have a two year old uncle? It used to be you respect your uncle. Now it's don't drop your uncle. Also, he's not that different from a regular uncle, you know, very handsy, he refuses to put down the bottle and he sucks on my fingers too long. Thank you, Matt Rivera. Rock solid minute. Welcome, welcome. Thank you. Happy to be here. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I've been on twice. Okay, remind us what happened those last times you were on? What were the highlights or low lights? So the first time I got pulled was the day before election day. And I'm Puerto Rican. There was somehow there were like five Puerto Ricans pulled that episode and anomaly showing how great God's sense of humor is mathematic. Made no mathematical sense whatsoever. So you were one of those. I remember that. That was a big deal at the time. Turns out you guys love to vote for the correct candidate. Did you vote? We have a sense of humor. Yeah, I did. Good job. Matt, what do you do for work? I. I still work at NADC Burger. Oh, nice. Hell, yeah. One of the best burgers in the city. No doubt about it. Yeah, Pretty solid. You're a chef. I am, yeah. I make burgers and fries and whatnot. Hell, yeah. And they're very strategic about how they make a burger. No adjustment adjustments allowed. No. Yep. They're Just like, this is how it is. Either take it or off. That's kind of. It's kind of our thing. That's amazing. So what else is going on in life? What have you been doing for fun? I have been just so rapidly producing shows. Honestly, I'm, like, way too invested in comedy. I produce shows every single day. Wow. Like stand up shows, Stand up comedy. Doing it all around town, putting them on people, selling tape. All right, that's fun. But to get away from it all, a non stand up thing. What do you do? I like to do random shit that I wouldn't normally do. Like go swimming. Wow, look at that. That is. That is, I guess, random. Where exactly are you swimming at? Bar and Springs. Usually on the free side. All right, that makes sense. Anything fun ever happen when you're out there swimming? Well, the thing about the free side, it's very slippery and there's a lot of pointy rocks. Keep going. So you're essentially paying for the experience of not slipping and bleeding in the water. And I have diabetes, so it takes a little longer for me to heal. How'd you get diabetes? What was your snack of choice? So I got diagnosed when I was 14 years old. Keep with the fun music. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, yeah. Diagnosed at 14. I was eating those Hostess Donuts and it's type one, though. It's not like the fat kind. I'm working on it. Okay, so how did you find out you were eating the Hostess donuts? And what, you passed out or something? No, I just. I just kept peeing a lot. Then we went to Disney World the next week, and we tested my blood sugar and it was super high. Wow. You tested it at Disney? Yeah. Well, you went to the happiest place on earth to get your diabetes test. That's a goofy decision. I didn't go there. It wasn't my intention. It just, like, happened. Hi. Blood sugar. Yeah. You're gonna lose a foot. Oh, no. You're gonna have this for the rest of your life. Yeah, basically. How did they break the news to you? Was it like that? Was it at Disney World? Was it like at the end of a ride or something? Did they take a picture? Like, you're like, at the top of the. When the. When the roller coaster goes down, you're like, no. Why Disney? I still don't get the Disney part. Tony, you're acting like I chose that place. This is perfect. Your parents have a great sense of humor. Take him to Disney. It'll soften the blow. We know he's got it. They had some special. I just want to know how the fuck does that even happen? When you go to Disney, how do you find out that you have diabetes? Like, what. What is the situation that takes place where people ask you the next day, how was Disney? Fuck, I got diabetes. I mean, have you seen what they serve for food and drinks at this? Yeah, but it doesn't come with like an alarm when you eat it. But you just got diabetes. 80s. Like, how did that come about? Oh, well, my mom is also diabetic, so she kind of knew what to expect. Ah, that's what happened. Yeah. So do you guys. You guys have a. A new diet plan? What changed? Let me ask you, though. They don't go to Disney anymore, that's for sure. Double diabetes. I got a problem. Carrot tops got great. I got a. Stand up for this one. Oh, here we go. By the way, these legs don't come like that. You got to work them. Wow. You know it's bad when red band goes, ew, you got that fly noise again. It's a. It's a. It's a towel. When you go to Disney, he can walk around the pool. Hey, what's going on? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Ah, I don't know why I did that one, but that was perfect. It seemed like the thing to do. You know that picture is going to be on the Internet of me sitting there looking at carrot top shit hanging out of his towel. Are you wearing a skirt? No, it's shorts. They're shorts. No, they're short. No, it's not skirts. I mean, although mine weren't. Of all the shit. Right here. That's what you picked up? Yeah, yeah, that's. Fuck. No, it's your shorts. They come in men's. I didn't get them. But the. So the diabetes thing. Yeah, off. Is that what that little thing is on your belly there? Is that what I'm seeing? Is that a little diabetes plug hole? Oh, yeah, it is. Look at that. Yeah, it's a Dexcom. It's Bert Kreischer, everybody. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing. So what. What do you do with that? You just take that and pop the cap off and like pour cans of Coca Cola in there or something? No, so it's. It's a. It's a glucose monitor. The other day I actually, I went into a bar and I got frisk and somebody thought I was wearing a wire. Oh, yeah. What a terrible way to die. Right? You don't have to put it there. Right? Like I've seen it on people's arms and stuff. You don't have to put it. Yeah, but the thing about the arms is that like if I'm changing my shirt, it'll snag and rip off. And they're really expensive to replace. So I put it here where there's the least amount of activity. That's good. That's good. That was great. Amazing. Amazing, Matt. Well, fun times. You got up again. Congratulations. You already have a big joke book. I do. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday, man. There you go. Matt Rivera just booked a real spot on a real show. Boom. Amazing. There goes Matt. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great feel when it comes to checking off coverage. A State Farm agent can help you choose an option that's right for you. Whether you prefer talking in person on the phone or using the award winning app, it's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Get this, adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids lives. But are we investing in their future farmers financial success? With Greenlight you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing. And this investment costs less than that. After school treat start prioritizing their financial education and future today with a risk free trial@greenlight.com Spotify greenlight.com Spotify all right, let's get another bucket. Pull up here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only. This looks like a first time name if I've ever seen one. It's Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Hi, I'm Spencer. Yes sir. Spencer. If I was born a girl though, my mom said she was gonna name me Shay Lynn. Whatever. My mom's name is Shayna Lorene. Her aunt's name is Shayna Carroll. So my first cousin Cheyenne has two belligerently insane aunt Shayna's. So Shana Lorene right there in the middle. Just so anal retentive. Can't spell chandeliering without a N A, a L right there in the middle. But last time I took 250 milligrams of sunshine LSD. It was Covid. I was dating a bad alcoholic and I put on a long skirt and let my fucking hair down. And there she Was Shay Lynn. I watched Gone with the Wind for four and a half hours and just fucking cried my eyes out. Being a woman is very gay. That poor, poor Shay Lynn, though, bless her fucking heart. Okay, you just stop right there, all right. Wow. How long you been doing, Stan? Stand up, Spencer. Couple years on and off, mostly in North Houston. Okay. All right. How long have you been the world's best fed pirate? I did the same thing when you walked. I'm glad you called it pirate. Everybody's like, hey, you walk like Jesus. I say, I'm going for pirate, not profit. Somebody told you you look like Jesus. I've had. I had a dude madness. What did I tell you about talking to people before you feel them completely? Nobody in the world thinks you look like Jesus unless they're a true atheist. That'll cause you to not believe in religion. Came back and he's like, hey, it's me. I swear I'm Spencer Eskridge. People. People would be burning their Bibles in the streets. I can't believe I bought into that for so long. Triple H, this must be excited for you to see all the world's worst WWE Superstars mashed into one character. This looks like something that fucking Mick Foley would have living in a doghouse in his backyard. Rubber bands in your beard. I had one earlier and it busted, and then somebody next to me was like, hey, I have a whole other little bag of rubber bands. I said, wow, if that's not ordained by God himself. And then that one broke too. So here we are. We just think the rubber bands are. I've got one. Oh, all right. Oh, nice. Spencer, how long. Tell us about your life. What exactly do you do for a living looking like that? I manage a brewery a little east of Bastrop. I got nominated for best bartender in Bastrop County. I'm still waiting on the results. Wow. When do you find out the results? I feel like you're gonna get your results when you go to Disney World, dude. They. They said. They said November, and I'm like, that's quite a ways away. It's. It's online. Don't we have the capacity to tally that in the moment? Voting people? Yeah, it was online. It was. I had people from other places just use the zip code for our county, but, hey, they still voted for me. What do you think makes you the best bartender in Bastrop? I won't shut up. Oh, okay. That's the worst trauma, dumping jokes about beer names. It's. It's relentless about beer names. Basically, the people there, hoping they vote for him, he gets a better job someplace else. Yeah, exactly. Maybe like at and T or something, right? Yeah. Yes. So when you're doing this bartending, what's the craziest thing that has ever happened inside of one of your bars? I found out, like, one of my regulars was slapped by the mayor of my town. I bartend in. It's Smithville. Okay. Just east of Bastrop. They film, like, a lot of movies there. And, like, they won't put in a Walmart or anything. They keep it small in Texas, like, picturesque because Hope Floats was filmed there, and they have a real acclimation to that movie, but it's senseless. There's been Brad Pitt movies filmed there. Can't quite figure you out. You don't sound like. Or talk like what you look like. You've had five therapists. Yeah, Two of them tried to fuck me. Wow. Tell us about that. They told you to lay down on a couch and you think they're trying to you. No, dude, it was. It was. It was therapy. They think they're doing. He thinks they're doing S M when they try to put a straight jacket on him. Let me just say, if somebody says you, that doesn't mean they're trying to. No, tell us about these therapists trying to you, because I don't believe it. I need therapy. I'll tell you. I need therapy. I was just talking about. I got caught with, like 9 grams of mushrooms in 2014, 14 in Houston. And they're like, hey, you want a second degree felony? I said, no. They're like, cool. Pee in a cup for two years. Did a deferred adjudication. It's not all my. But I had to have state sanctioned therapy. The first lady, Denise, I just cracked the egg a little, and that was like, I'm retiring. And so I got. I got bounced between two young women, 23, 24. I'm gonna say their names. Amanda and Kareem. Oh, no, they're. They already lost their licenses. No, it's okay. Just tell us what they did. No one cares about their names. I'm. I'm real thick headed. I don't know when people are flirting with this story, but they made it very apparent because, well, when Denise was like, I'm retiring, they're like, oh, we'll double team you and pass you back and forth for individual sessions. And then, like, I just be sitting on their couch and they're like, so how long have you been single? They're asking You. About your life. No. Yes. They got. Holy. This is incredible. You think your therapists are trying to you because they're asking you questions like they. Like a girl would if you're on a date. Oh, right. In a different way than you would. Amazing. As stupid as I am, I could tell something was weird. And I knew what was weird when they didn't show up to work one day. And then we found out they've Both been a 17 year old in the program. One of the ladies is engaged to a sheriff and they just stopped coming to the fucking counseling center. And then the kid who was considered a victim of the system was getting them cocaine and all this shit. We need names. No. Karasov. No, don't name any names. Right. We have to bleep it out. Don't do it. No, don't do it. Jesus. Don't do it. Spencer. So everybody at court, when you get released from the program. Program, you get. You get a second to turn around and say something to the grand audience about your experience. And everybody's like, what the fuck is he going to say? He's been advised not to say. And then he walks up in front of everybody and goes, well, it's been fun. Walked out of the courtroom a fucking legend. He told me he was way too cool with me. He's like, you know, they were trying to like, Menagerie, Quat, whatever the fuck that shit is. Me. You. I'm like, this is weird. Just go. I don't need to know that. I'm already. Peacey. I'm already having a time with this shit as it is. So you never had sex with any of the therapists? The female therapist you could have just left it at. You have never had sex? Do you have an active sex life? I have two kids. Oh, my God. How old are your kids? So my daughter just turned 2 and my son just turned 1 on the 6. 6. How often are you around these children? Sundays through Wednesdays, much as a law. Oh, yeah, they're funny, dude. I don't know how I got lucky. The way I got lucky. That is incredible. How are they funny? What do they do that before? Like my daughter could talk. Like, she. Let me guess, she tried to you one time she looked at me and she was all like, da, da. And I'm like, oh, no, you don't. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, here it is. Menage a trois. She crawled to me. Yeah, I want to go to bed. Hey, stop trying to fuck me. You're my little girl. Don't do that. Dude, everyone's trying to fuck me. Dude, the police got behind me. They're like, pull over. I'm like, not with mine. You don't stop trying to fuck me. Officer, this one lady made me pee in a cup. What's she doing with that urine? So you peed in a cup for a couple years and you ended up getting off of everything. You look like you peed in a Mason jar for a couple years. They're airtight. You collect things. What are your hobbies? Witchcraft. I don't know. Really? Yeah. What's the craziest witchcraft thing you've ever tried? I don't know. I gave a palm reading and a tarot reading at Shakespeare's just now for fun. What fun? Do you even know what you're doing? Yeah. Does anyone? Okay, yes, they do. Clearly, you don't believe in you. Your therapist. But there are some pros out there. Fun time. Spencer, you're a very interesting character. Congratulations. Go raise those kids. There he goes. Spencer Estridge. Wow. So many compelling characters come out of the bucket. Your next comedian is one of those people that we found out of the bucket a long time ago. We've watched him grow for years. A very, very compelling character. A fan or a fan favorite. Makes some noise for the return of the one and only Uncle Laser. As y' all know, I was in a western about a year ago, and it's gonna release a couple weeks, and it had to in it. And there's really not an acting class for rape. Like, anybody ever. Anybody before Exact. Well. But they paid me ten grand. So there I am on set getting ready, and. And I don't think you just go up to someone and go, hey, I'm a you. You know, I feel like you gotta rough them up a little bit, Soften the meat. And I was working with this little French actress. Fuck the French, you know? And I'm asking her between sets, like, hey, am I hitting you too hard? Is there anything I could be doing better? She smoked a little cigarette. How long you been acting? I said, about six hours. She said, well, we're acting, so act it. When the director called action for the next take, I clotheslined that bitch into hell. I said, I'm not a. My boyfriend is. My name's Uncle Lazer. Y' all been great. All right, Uncle Lazarus. Very, very interesting set. Is that true? What, the part? Yeah, unfortunately. So that was your scene in the movie? Yeah. I mean, I get. I die before I get to finish it, but I was still hard the whole time. Uncle Laser. I ran up them stairs. I got heartburn. Sorry. How do you feel, buddy? You good? Yeah, yeah, I'm good. What? What? No one knows what you're talking about, so what can you want to explain to the people what you mean by you right up the stairs? I didn't know that I was next, and so I had to. I was. Yeah. Anyways, we're good. That's great. You're handling. Handling it like a real pro, I'll tell you. Absolutely perfect. So what else is going on, Uncle Laser? A very, very rape heavy set. We might actually have to wait. Can I do a prop real quick? I have a problem. Really? Yeah. Turns out if you say the word like, twice in two minutes, like, it just. They. I knew I should have said grape. I knew it. Yeah, it's a thing. You want to take it from the top? No, I'm kidding. I know I'm out of breath. Let's see what that Carrot Top's got. Something. I have a prop. I. I don't know if it's related. Oh, okay. There's. It's a. It's a purse. When. When women have. When women have a restraining order against a guy, you can tell exactly how far to stay away. You. You know how many feet. How. How many feet is it? Yeah, exactly. I have a lot of free time. This is literally. This is amazing. Just. She's not amazing. I can't believe how much you get paid to make these. Like, I always, always thought they have, like, this statement. Who else has a purse with a tape measure in it? Nobody. As I've gotten closer to Carrot Top, I realize he's just super gluing two things. He's managed to make $50 million just going, let's put it together. Well, wait a minute. So if you like coffee and people. People drink coffee and they like writing things. Look at this. It's a Sharpie with a coffee mug. A sip you got right about that. It's amazing. No, they got to make sense. That's. Look for the big. There's a lot of people that like smoking cigarettes and also knowing what the temperature is. I took a thermometer and I put it on a pack of cigarettes. You could have cigarette. I'm going to put that in the truck. Put that in the truck. It's going to be doing it in Vegas the next week. Oh, it's. I'm in the mood for a cigarette. Oh, it's 73 degrees. Perfect. Absolutely amazing. No, but you get. Oh, man. Oh, there's more to it than that like. All right, here's one. No, just because you're being a. So. So. Jesus. So people like. People. People like. Some people like toilet paper over the. The roll. Some people like it under. Right? So see, this is. This is. And this is clever. This is. So if you want it under, it goes under. And if you want it over, you flip it. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's not a cigarette with a temperature. Yeah. That's amazing. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave all this here when I'm done. By the way, it's just a loose toilet paper roll. I mean, it takes a little. You're right. You're right. Some are different. Some are different. It's one of the few useful things in the box. Yeah, there's. That was. You're funny, by the way. Yeah, I. Sorry to cut you off with all my stupid. Now. I. Yeah, we'll go through. We'll. You wipe back to front or front to back. I. I have people wipe me. I don't know what. That's right. And one day, if you connect enough objects together, you'll have somebody to wipe your ass. So, Laser, when does this movie come. Come out into October? It's. It's a series like a six part series. Okay. I'm only in that one episode. All right. There you go. Did it again. We're gonna have to beep through. Sorry. We can beat. You can beep it one of these. So just don't say it anymore. I won't say anymore. Comes out in October. What's it called? An Outlaw Named Bob. An Outlaw Named Bob. Wow. Sounds. Yeah, sounds made up. I know. I like. And they wanted me to, you know, better than fest, you know. Oh, there it is again. Everybody's coming. It's gonna sound like a Bud Light with a stud finder connected to it. Uncle Laser, what else is going on in your real life? You're here, Carrot Top. Triple H. I gave you a little heads up because you're an old pal. I warned you a few days ago you might want to be there on Monday. And I told you who's coming. And of course like a real. Well, I. Plant boy Mark, super fan. You wore your DX shirt it off. It's all about the. Listen, I actually plan my outfits out in. In advance, so this was okay. All right. I did wear it. I did wear it. All right. Big fan. Almost wore my leather jacket too, dude. Yeah. Is there anything you want to say to the man himself, two times hall of Famer, ESPN and WWE fully connected. Coming together. Two iconic brands. Wrestle Palooza. September 20th. John Cena versus Brock Lesnar. Epic stuff all created by the Mastermind himself, Triple H. Is there anything you want to say to him? Yes, actually, there is. No. Seriously, though, I'm trying to. You ever just miss it? You miss just hitting somebody over the head with a steel chair? Or maybe a sledgehammer's. Your choice of weapon. It's all about the game and how you play. Uncle Lazy. That was good. A true fan. We've been talking wrestling and comedy for a long time now. Many a daytime. Can I ask you a real question, though? Yeah. Did you like being in the faction DX more than the solo stuff, or did you have more fun with that? Like what. What was. What was your favorite part of your historic career? The part where you remember that? That was when I had the most fun, like, creative freedom, all that stuff. DX is the crazy. Yeah. The heel stuff for me was always where I wanted to be in my career. But if you're just saying. Just having a crazy time. DX was just. We all roll up in that goddamn tank. Come on, man. Let. It was. It was just us thinking about what dumb can we do this week. That Vince just letting y' all fly with it at that time? At first, no. And then once it started working, baby. Yeah. Once it started working, we were. We had kind of do what you want to do thing, but at first it was. We were threatening to get fired every week, so. I'm sure you get it. Yeah. Deals with the exact same thing. Trust me, it did not work at first for him either. But he's. It's been a common theme coming up out here tonight. I feel like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, Uncle Laser, you did it. You got up again. Congratulations. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, guys. Coming back to the bucket we go. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Pass Gas podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories. Like the first Race Across America. It was basically 45 days of hell. Or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories. It amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Past Gas, wherever you get your podcasts. We're coming around the corner now, ladies and gentlemen. Make Some noise for your next bucket pool. Ronaldo Mercado, everyone. Here comes Ronaldo. What's up, guys? I've lived here. I've lived in Austin for about a year now. I haven't been able to fit in yet. Oh, dear. For you, everybody here, they're hot. People look good. They care about diet, exercise. Ugh. That's why I like the rest of Texas. I fit in in the rest of Texas. Here in Austin, I wear an extra large. I'll admit that this is an extra large T shirt. I weigh 225. You can see my belly when I put my hands in the air. Fuck you guys. I don't care, okay? In Austin, this is fat. But in the rest of Texas, I look pretty good, okay? When I go down to San Antonio, I'm petite, okay? All right. I was here in Austin. I had to ride a lime scooter last week. I'm not proud of it, but I did. I had to be somewhere fast, and I was on my lime scooter. And it's a bad look. You can admit that. The lime scooter's a bad look. This bing, bing, it's a bad look. But I had to ride one out of necessity. When I was on my lime scooter, another dude rode past me on his lime scene. And when he rode past me, he looked me in the eyes and he gave me one of those like, it was a fucking Jeep thing. Like we were in a club together. Don't do that. Okay? Look, if you give somebody a little wave on a motorcycle, Hell's Angels, you give them a wave on a lime scooter. Charlie's Angels, it's a lot different, I think. I think you can have a secret wave on the lime scooter. The guys on the lime scooter can have a wave, but it's got to be this right here. There you go. All the way to the finish line. Ronaldo Mercado with jokes all the way to the bear. Good job, Ronaldo. How long you been doing stand up now? I just hit seven years. You were just on very recently, right? Yeah. Yeah, a couple months ago. Okay. Yeah. How's it going? Everything's good. Yeah, everything's great. Actually, I work at the Sunset Strip now as a door guy. Nice. Congratulations. Red Bands Club. A must see all the of entertainment spot, right? Just a block away. How's it been working there? What's it like having Red Ban as a boss? Does he fart a lot? Does he? He's pretty chill. He kind of comes and Goes. You know what I mean? He just kind of comes by, you say. I go, hey, Brian. He goes, that's him. That's right. Twelve and a half years of that. Every Monday with. See you next week. Ronaldo, what are you doing for fun? For fun here? I've been, I've been, I've been trying to go to more shows. Like music shows? Yeah, hardcore shows, stuff like that. I like to ride my bike. I'm a BMX rider. Ride parks. Yeah. Look at you. Yeah. Yeah. You're a big boy for a BMX rider, huh? I am. I am a bit of a fat. Okay, I will, I will admit that. I know. I'm. I have an app on my phone that's called Rocket Money. Do you guys know about Rocket Money? It's an app to keep track of your finances. It sent me a notification, and it said, hey, Ronaldo, you spent 17% more this week than you normally do. And then they sent me an emoji of a cheeseburger to let me know that I ate so much fast food, it impacted my financial portfolio. Wow. Incredible. What type of fast food are you getting into? What's your favorite nowadays? Pizz Rules. Wow. Obviously that big pop fried from the crowd for Pete. Terry. Terry's Rules. Yes. My goodness. Yeah. I, I, I'm from the Midwest. We didn't have In N Out. They have In N Out here now. It's pretty cool. Yeah, I like that. Anywhere else I can get your old school, Just normal old Burger King, McDonald's Midwest, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I'd like to. Okay. I'd like. I will engage. I'll ride home. I'll drive, like, late at night, you know, and I'll stop at, like, a McDonald's on the way home, and then I'll get a double cheeseburger. I'll get two double cheeseburgers, and then I eat them before I get home, and then I don't tell my girlfriend about it. That's fat behavior. Okay. Wow. Where do you keep, where on your body do you keep your glucose checker? Not diabetic yet. Amazing. Yeah, amazing. Don't go to Disney. Yeah, don't go to Disney. It's gonna be a T shirt by the end of this. Don't ever do that on your scooter again. That's a good move. Thanks, Ronaldo. What's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah, I've been in a relationship. We've been together for nine years now. Wow. Nine years. What does she do? She actually she works box office here at the club. She just started working here. Wow. At the Mothership. Incredible. Look at that. Looks like you're gonna be getting more p. Terry's then. Yeah. We've been together nine years. We don't really wear condoms or anything like that, so I. Nine years. Thank you. Nine years. Never worn a condom. Never had a pregnancy scare. I mean, I. Do I rule or what? I kind of kill it at pulling out. That's amazing. Yeah. Jesus. I have fun with the pull out, you know? Yeah. I pull out. I comb at her belly button. I call it the kiddie pool. I splash her out in there a little bit, you know, I get my little. My little Pete Terry in there and I. Yeah. Splash around in the. In the front line. You're a funny guy, Ronaldo. You wanna Ronaldo? I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. You get to perform at the club that you work at. Ronaldo Mercado on the secret show. We're flying through it now. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Aaron Silverstein. Looks like a new name. We love new names around here. Aaron Silverstein is next. Heck, yeah. Here he is. Come on. Make some noise for Aaron, everybody. You've got your. Your outdoor bugs, and you've got your indoor bug. You've got bugs. I've got bugs. In other words, I've got bugs. It's the cheapest rent you can get. You know, in Austin, you're looking through the pages, you know, I'm trying to get the cheapest rent I can get. Bucks, Carrot Top, deer. Oh, no, no, I'm into it. Who would have thought? Dreams can come true. All right. Aaron Silberstein. Unbelievable. Normally, silver are much better at show business than whatever. I know. It's like they say. They say that we're the chosen people. Huh. Well, is now dumber? There you go, Aaron. How you doing, buddy? You okay? Yeah, I'm doing great. How long you been doing stand up? Not long. I hope not. Two hours. You just started. What? What made you want to start? Recently? Just recently started. Yeah. You decided that you wanted to. Let me guess. You decided you wanted to get out of the corporate world forever. You were sick of putting on a suit and tie every day. And now I wish. Okay, tell us about your life. How did you end up like this? Oh, God. He owns AT&T. It's just a long story. I've been around. Okay. I mean, starting it anywhere. Aaron, if the interview is as bad as the set, this isn't gonna last much longer. Aaron. Oh, God. A sweet mother of God. Colorado, actually. I was in for a while. Okay, perfect. What do you do for work? I was a cannabis grower for a little while. Really? Yeah. Did you smoke some of it? I did. You did? I did. How much exactly do you have to smoke before you just keep saying the word bugs over and over again without any real set up or point or. Aaron. Okay, what's going on, buddy? This is very surreal. What are you on right now? Did you drink before this? They called it a Jeffrey. What? They called it a Jeffrey. What's. Who's they, ma'? Am, who's they? Aaron, over here. Over here. Who's they? What are you talking about? Just. Just new friends. Okay. I've never felt safer, by the way, sitting next to. Exactly. I know. You got closer. I'm like, I got Triple H. I got this. I'm serious. I'm. Dude, I feel safe. I don't think you exactly needed Triple H to beat the out of Aaron Silverstein. I'm pretty sure you could kick him through that brick wall over there. Fucking Carrot Top, man. Yeah. All right. Unbelievable. Okay, Aaron, most interesting thing about your life and your entire history. The craziest fun fact about Aaron Silverstein that we would find interesting on a big live show. Now would be the time to say it into the tip of that red microphone. I was a meth doubt superhero for a little while. Explain to us what you mean by that. This is an important part of the story. Explain to us what you mean when you say you are a messed up superhero. Well, I mean, it's. It's a long story. Well, why don't you make it. Make it a short story, all right? Well, no, I mean, I just had a whole. I had a whole fucking thing. I was like. I was. I was. The Circuit. That was your superhero name. The Circuit. The Circuit, okay. And what was. What did the Circuit do? A lot of drugs is what it is. A lot of drugs. You don't seem like a big meth head type. I seem like a businessman, I guess. Apparently. Well, it seems like somebody said yeah. Did you say yeah? Do you know what your face looks like? Do you only do drugs off of mirrors? Do you ever look at them? All right, Aaron, you're out of your goddamn mind. Yeah, you're. Yeah. Well, I love it. Here's a little joke book. Hey, thanks, man. Boom, there he goes. Aaron Silverstein, everybody. Wow. One of the oddest characters. I mean, you look like you would have been hilarious. By the way, Bugs. Come on. There you go. Aaron Silverstein. Go the way you came. He spent all his time on the professional. Mike Griffin. Yeah. But none on the jokes. Yeah, not at all. I gotta. I gotta do one because it's too good. Not. Not the last guy. That was just the other guy that said he came in his belly. Huh? Okay, Carrot Top. It's the Peewee Herman doll. Look at that. Oh, it's amazing. It's a. It's a pen. Don't shoot. Dare shoot. No, I'm not going to do that. I know better than that. Here I thought he was just attaching two things to one. Orange. It's orange. I did not plan that. I loved that. Sorry for everything. He's such a good sport. All right. Wow. How do you top that? The Pee Wee Herman cummin doll. I mean, we're gonna have to find out. I got another bucket pull here. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Cameron Mai, everybody. It's Cameron Mai. Yes, Hello. I had a polyamorous mom when I was a child. And sometimes when I tell people that, they get very sad, which I don't understand, because to me, your childhood is just your childhood. You know, I didn't really know mine was that different from anyone else's until I reflected on the number of stepdads. And I love my stepdads because they taught me that it really does take a village to make my mom come. You guys ever walk in on your parents wrestling and it's the Royal Rumble match? That's a bit. Sometimes when you, like, you tell people stuff like that about yourself, they get curious. They want to know if you think it affected your sexuality today. I don't think so because I'm in a long term monogamous relationship with my bidet. We're going pretty strong. But I definitely. I think it affected my sexuality, like when I was growing up, you know? Cause trying to jerk off with more than two parents, it's like trying to assassinate the president today. Because, like, realistically speaking, there's no way they didn't see me on that roof. Boom. Cameron Mai talking about his poly mom. There it is. That's the look I said. I said to Triple H during it, after your Royal Rumble joke, I go, the funny thing is, I don't even think he's seen you yet. That was great. The action was priceless. The guy that actually controls the Royal Rumble. Yeah, this is a great one. I'll call your mom. Entrant number one. Yes. It's amazing. It's amazing. Everyone from your Childhood. We have Triple H here and the monster that's been hiding under your bed. Oh, man. Cameron, how. How old are you, Cameron? I'm a 22 year old open mic comedian. Well, we know that. Yeah, we knew the last part. 22 years old, you got a job? Yeah, yeah, I work at. Well, you know, this is actually interesting. I work at, you know, Elon Musk's Neuralink. I work for their biggest competitor. It's called Paradromics. I'm a manufacturer. I help manufacture brain computer interface. Wow. Incredible. The story of a young super villain. Stay away from the meth or else you'll end up saying bugs over and over again. Unbelievable. Do you have one? Do I have what? Fuck no, it's not. First of all, it's not meant for me. The technology is like way behind on that. But also, I would never get one even if it was for that. Okay, wow. I see you don't work on the marketing team. Incredible. You know how like, people that make Twitter don't let their kids use Twitter? I don't know about that. Okay, well, never mind that, Cameron, you're 22 years old. Tell us what you do for fun. What are the 22 year olds doing for fun nowadays? Oh, man. I know. Sorry again. Sorry again. They're having. They're having a good old time. They're in the splash zone. They got spit on by Triple H an hour ago. They've been having the time of their lives ever since. Covered in. Yeah. Exercise, Video games. I'm pretty simple. It's mostly stand up. I'm very. I'm trying to commit myself to stand up a lot. And you're. How long you been doing it already? You're 20. About four years. Four years. Wow, that's a great start. Not much can stop someone that started that young and works at it as hard as you. Yeah. You must have some hobbies though, when you want to let loose a little bit. What do you do you have a girlfriend or something? I do have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend that I love very much. Oh, wow. Now, now we don't believe you. That sounds suspicious when you say it like that. Well, I do. She yells at you sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can tell. That's why you have to be like, I love her very much. Hostage situation over here. I have a girlfriend. I love her. She's the best. Yeah. What has she yelled at you about in the past? What have you done that made her upset? Just being mean to her friends. Ah, she has annoying friends. She has annoying friends. That have never had like a man talk to them like they're not trying to fuck them. Right. She has hot friends and I'm just treating them like they're regular people and they're like, why is he a dick? Oh, that's hilarious. I love this. This sounds like pure honesty. The crowd is responding. This is real. This is real. Yeah. That's great. Amazing. That's great. That's great. That's great. Oh man. Amazing. Amazing. Cameron. I love it. And the girlfriend, what does she do? Oh, she just. She. She's an editor for a lot of like podcasts and stuff like that. Oh, she's a sniper. She's gonna take him out after this. Just a video editor. Amazing. And you live here in Austin? Yeah, of course. Okay. And that's it. So working for this brain thing, what exactly do you do there? I manufacture the parts. It's hard to describe cuz like I honest. I signed an NDA and I don't know what I can say. You probably can't say any of it then. Perfect. We're going to save your job right now. Thank you. Thank you. Seriously. But we're doing great. Let's talk a little bit more about your slut mother. Okay. I really. I had one too growing up. She gets it. She can laugh about it. Does she have a good sense of humor? Oh, she. That I. The joke that I just told, that's her favorite joke. Perfect. Okay. So, you know, was there a lot of noises coming from the bedroom when you were a kid? That's going. I've never heard my parents fuck ever, actually. I know I've only so the. The most parents I've ever had in the like father figures. I had two stepdads at the same time time they lived together. They were just the way my mom described it to me. It wasn't like she was just trying to a bunch of people. It was more like she just was able to fall in love with two people at the same time. You know what I mean? She had open heart. Yeah. And legs. That's what it is. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's. That's great. I love it. Great. You had two stepdads at the same time. Was there ever like a competition? Did you have a favorite? All right, that's kind of rude to ask. No, I think I. I've managed to look at an NDA on that. I think I like my sister's dad more only because I lived with him longer. Right? Yeah. Okay. What were the differences? One was a white guy from America. One was a white guy from New Zealand. Okay, the suspense is killing us. That's why you keep saying white guys. When are we getting to the good shit? Let's go. One was an African prince from Nigeria. They were just all white guys the whole time. All. All honkies. Damn. Oh, wow. Built that up. Yeah, you really did. You built it up like you were getting somewhere good. Like one of them was just gonna be a straight up. All right, well, there was only. Okay, I wasn't even about to say that. And I got nervous. Tony. Jesus Christ, Cameron. My. Yeah, yeah. So, you know. Is your mom still with multiple boyfriends? No. She's pretty monogamous now. That's what happens to polyamorous people. They start very open and loving. They're like, oh, I want to everybody. And then they get on the other side and they're like, ah, everybody. Once you get old and your options dry up. Yeah, you got to go back to one at a time. You can't stay poly forever. That's the thing. Do. Do you think that's affected your sexuality growing up? No. Your perception of love? No. I still. I'm. I'm still a monogamous guy. I definitely have the man instinct in me. Like, I can feel when I see a hot chick and I'm like, oh, if I was a piece of, I'd cheat on my girlfriend. Well, I was. You almost made it out of this without getting in real trouble with your girlfriend. That was the moment right there. You better tell her how much you love. Look at that camera right there. That's the great Meg on camera one. Baby, I love you so much. There you go. Cameron, you have a big joke book. Yeah. All right. There you go. You got it. He's already got one. Cameron. My. We're flying through it. Eczema isn't always obvious, but it's real. And so is the relief from Ebglis. After an initial dosing phase, about 4 in 10 people taking EBGLIS achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin at 16 weeks. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year, with monthly dosing. EVGLIS Lebricizumab LBKZ a 250mg 2ml injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema, also called atopic dermatitis, that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals or who cannot use topical therapy. EBGLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to ebglis. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Epglis. Before starting Epglis, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection searching for real relief? Ask your doctor about eglis and visit ebgliss.lilly.com or call 1-800-lilyrx or 1-800-545-5979. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile Now. I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network speed busy Taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com all right. Ooh, this definitely looks like a new name. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doc Fairy. Doc Ferry. What a name. Oh my goodness. Oh, God. I feel like everybody looking at me right now knows exactly who I voted for. I like to ragdoll women in the bedroom. Not very fond of women right now. Me and my wife were arguing in the car. She said, I wish you were nicer. I said, bitch, I wish you were Asian. I don't think you're the one of us that's gonna win this one. She said, I wish you would talk to me the way you wanna be talked to. I said, oh, you want me to talk to you recorders? How about a bro job? We ain't married anymore. Not very fond of women, but I still have a fantasy. It's pretty easy. I want to date a black chick from the year 1868. Now hear me out. Hear me out. It'll all make sense. I know what you all are thinking, that whole thing. But let me educate you. Slavery officially ended in the year 1865. The only reason I wanted one from 68 because I heard them bitches was off the chain. And that sounded like fun to me. Thank you. My name's Doc. Wow. Doc Fairey's first appearance on the show. I've never seen people move out of the way in their lives. Your ass coming out trying to pull the triple hill age spit move before they were going open mouths. They were happy when he was doing it. These people were dodging bullets. Over here, Doc. Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up? Just short of two years and this is my second time on the show. Two years. Second time on the show. Really? What happened your first time? I did all right. Interview went a lot better. Talked about my third wife. Okay, remind us what happened with your sled. Third wife? I was working in Afghanistan and while I was gone she was back here putting herself on Craigslist personals. Ah. And she was having a sex with a whole bunch of guys. Usually five to seven at a time. Yeah. Yeah. And are you the last comedian's father? Yeah. You never know. You never know. Wow. Okay, so that was about what a year even about two years ago. Just short two years. You, you were on this show. So how's life been going for the last two years? You've been doing standup non stop? I have been. Extreme anxiety, extreme adhd. So I get out when I can. I have problems getting to the club by myself. What do you mean by that? I'm a recluse. It's very hard for me to get out and meet people. To stand in front of this many people very comfortable back there dying. That's amazing. Very interesting. Yeah, very interesting. Tell us more about like what's the worst scenario that you've had where your AD or whatever you think that is, whatever you diagnose that as. Yeah, extreme what? Social anxiety. There's an extreme social anxiety that goes with it. If you've ever seen like the signs and symptoms. I got all that stupid shit. I don't like people telling me what to do, you know, just weird shit. But it kind of made sense. When I look back at my life, it's oh, this is what the fuck is going on. On. You know, I'm not. I have an issue. Right. Yeah. Okay. So what do you. Where do you think this all you might be? We don't. I know my, my bus only had six rows, but I thought that was cuz the route was short. So where do you think all this anxiety and stuff comes from? Did something happen to you? Yes. Oh yes. I. I was in the army for 23 years. I deployed three times with that. After that I worked in Afghanistan for eight years. I was a personal security medic for the ambassador over there. So that was Exciting bombs every, like, at least twice a week. But when I was going through the retirement physical, they said, you have ptsd. I said, I do. They said, yep, but it's not from or. It's from your ex. Wives. I got three of them. Wow. Yeah. Three. Two men. Wow. Ptsd. The only thing worse than ptsd. AT T. The running theme today. Nobody likes it. The theme of the night. Interesting stuff, Doc. How do you make a living? How do you. You're just on. Well, I'm retired right now. Yeah. And I also go to school. I'm going to H Vac school in the mornings. Nice. And I got a property with seven air conditioning units. And I'm tired of paying 1500 bucks every time one breaks down. So I said, I'm going to school. Learn how to do it myself. Hell, yeah. And you're learning. All right. How about for fun? What are you doing other than stand up for fun? I play beach volleyball a little bit. Really? Yeah. Wow. I would. Do I look that old? You're full of surprises. Really? I do? Yeah. You don't look like a beach. Beach volleyball guy. Well, I kind of, you know. You have something for this one? No, I'm thinking. I don't think I have. No. I don't know. Let me see. I don't think I do. No. You have anything for. My props are talking to me like, nothing, honey. How about for a war veteran? Anything for a war veteran. A war vet. No, no. My brother's retired military. God bless the military. I love my military. We do love the military. I'm trying to think if I have anything. Thank you. I have a. You said. Now, don't cut this the wrong way and make me look bet. Right? Because you fuckers will do this shit. No, we won't. We made a joke about. He said the retarded word. And I'm not gonna say it's retarded. It was a bank tube for rednecks that has a gun and a note inside the tube. It would say, give me all your money or shoot yourself. Send it over to me. You're like, oh, you literally stole that from a bank, by the way. No, I did. The only way to get. No, I didn't. No, I did. No, that. My first. My swear to God. Sorry I interrupted you. Beautiful. My first prop I ever did. And this is not a joke, is I stole a neighborhood crime watch. Now, my first joke. And I was in my dorm and my friend says, you're gonna try. I do comedy. I said, you're not funny. I said, I know, but I had this sign and I thought, what a great thing to open with, right? I said, sorry, I'm late. I was in the neighborhood and everybody would laugh and I said, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking signs? It takes 20 minutes to get. And then I started stealing shit. I started going through bank tubes. I started stealing things from the airplane. Look at this one. This is great. I stole this from the airplane. Yeah. Yeah. What's great about this is this when you. I forgot my own joke. When you sit next to the guy in the airplane, you reach over and you wake him up and say, dude, we're going down. I'm sorry. Thank you for putting up with my dick. That's amazing. Amazing. This crowd is amazing. Yeah, Doc. So interesting. Sorry I up about things. Are the other comedians nice to you? You're kind of older. You're out there. No one talks to me. And so I'm not getting anything out of like doing open mics. I'm getting no feedback. I'm used to sitting in front of crowds, so I don't need it for that. So I actually. On my property, I built a comedy club and I do all my standup and everything in there by myself. And I have to trust that what I do is funny. Really? That's awesome. That is amazing. So I go through my head when I do jokes. I allow myself with the adhd, I go with it. And I daydream and I daydream about being on stage. I daydream about my favorite comedians doing the same jokes that I'm writing and how they would do it and how they look. And I can even see them do a joke and it's not funny. It's not funny. That's pretty awesome though. I do it about myself and it's not funny. Do you live stream it or anything so you can get some kind of feedback? I am just. I just opened up a business with a partner and we are going to start doing live streaming things like that. So we're really starting to take off this coming month. That's great. You should have the sound effect. Sorry, which sound effect? With a crowd screaming. And you, you have your club built, right? Oh, yeah. And it's all mannequins. And you have a sound effect of the. I actually have mannequins. I'm killing. I sold out to them. Yes, I do. Awesome. Wow. I love that. The last time you were on, you just got a little joke book. I got a medium joke book. Well, I'll tell you what, buddy. You're moving up to a big joke. Doc Fairy, everybody, with his second appearance on the show showing some improvement. Let's do a one last bucket pull, huh? Let's knock it out. This looks like a flat. Make some noise for Jim Talley, everybody. Jim Talley. How y' all doing tonight? Good? Fuck, yeah. Austin has a lot of crazy homeless people. This is a fact. I swear to God, this is what happened to me. I'm pumping gas the other day. This homeless white lady's walking around the parking lot yelling, he's a nigger. He's a nigger. Then she looks right at me. You're a nigger, not fucking spazz. I'm like, yo, who the fuck you think you talking to? Then she goes, oh, my bad. I just wanted a cigarette. What you got? Tourette's, bitch. The fuck? But she's like, what the fuck was that? She's like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I love black people. I can't swim neither. Huh? Bitch, if you don't take this Newport. I'm serious, man. Speaking of cigarettes, actually, I grew up in Africa, and I started smoking cigarettes over there. And y' all know those warning labels on the cigarettes, right? Yeah, in Africa. That shit's fucking weird. Like, I bought a pack of cigarettes over there. That shit had a picture of Flavor Flavor on it. I thought I saw that Flavor Flav. I didn't know that ugly meant cancer. Nigga, I'm serious. Like, imagine, like, they saw him go, yeah, boy. And the Africans was like, put the picture. He looks like rubbish. Put the picture. My name is Jim Talley. Thank you, Jim Talley. Hey. Holy. Welcome back. Hey, man. How you doing? The show a few times, right? Yeah. Yeah. Just about two weeks ago. Yeah. Welcome back. You're a lucky man, I see, man. Thank you for having me. How's life been going? How's it changed since the last time you were on? I just saw Triple H now. I just. I did, too. I was. And car. Reba McIntyre. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Hell, yeah. Jesus, man. Good. Wow. Triple H, Ahmed Johnson. Good reunion. That's a crazy, crazy reference. I ain't going to L. I've been getting Jon Jones a lot, and I don't like it. Right? I don't like it at all. That makes sense. I could see why that would be Jim Telly. So let's talk about it. What's going on, man? Tell us something you haven't heard. You were just on Two weeks ago. Oh, I've been working a lot. I've been working on some more impressions. I've been actually working on an impression of you. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right, let's hear it. All right. Unbelievable. We're really doing it. Red band. We're really doing it. I ain't gonna lie, Tony. Kind of sounds like if banana could. Like a cartoon banana. I'm just saying. All right. That's a good impression. I thought, let's face it, if a banana could talk, that'd be the last friend you ever needed in the world, wouldn't it? Shut. Oh, you're gonna. Oh, you're gonna. Oh, you're gonna. Oh, really? Come on. All good, nigga. He's clapping, he's laughing. All right, Jim, that was good. What are we missing here, though? What other impressions have you been working on? I don't. I could do a few impressions. I could do a Shannon Sharp. I can do. Wait, what is Shannon Sharp doing in this impression? All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Club Shisei. Today we're going to have him on our panelist. He is a the host of Kill Tony. All right. He is the most hated man in Puerto Rico, ladies and gentlemen. Tony. He's clean. That's actually a good impression. What else are you working on? I don't know. You could do like Mike Tyson, I think. Wow. White liberal lady out here. Virtue signaling. White lady can't help herself when a black. Do it. Do it, black man. Right? Do what I say, man. Do it. Say please next time. All right? I don't want to do this now, man. I know, right? They ruined everything. Like you weren't gonna do it. Every other thing. You said the name of the thing and then you did it. This lady wanted to feel like a boss. Give her a new port. Let's get out of here. Jim, you got a big joke book last time you ran. Yeah, there you go. It's a couple weeks. You got very lucky. A couple bucket pools were just done two weeks ago. We did it, man. There's only one place to go from here, ladies and gentlemen. We have a hall of fame. While we're here with 2 time 2 entry hall of fame member Triple H guest of the year nominee, Carrot Top. Let me remind you this episode is brought to you by open phone prize picks and nicked and WWE NESPN starts September 20th. John Cena vs Brock Lesnar at Wrestle Palooza. I mean, this is huge. I've been watching wrestling my whole life. ESPN And WWE combining forces completely insane. It's unbelievable. And we have a Hall of Famer. This man has the record for most appearances all time, most interviews, all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from a man some people call God's favorite comedian. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. I look like the love child of Triple H and Carrot Top. After a passionate night of hot, steamy steroids, let's give it up for Kill Tony's very own Cam Patterson. For joining the cast of Saturday Night Live. My question is, did Saturday Night Live not see any of Cam's minutes on Kill Tony? Like, is he going to get fired the first episode or the second episode when he screams the N word for no reason? I love Cambus. Screaming the N word is one of the least offensive things he said on Kill Tony. Like, imagine his reaction when he learns a little bit more about Bow and Yang. This N word is gay and Asian. Oh, hell no. And I'm not gonna lie, I'd love to be invited to join Saturday Night Live if Stephen Hawking invented a time machine to the 90s. Meanwhile, Red Bay, dumb ass. Is still waiting to get a call back from the Gong Show. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow. The powerhouse. The undeniable closer of closers. That's great. The Big Red Machine. Lights out. William Montgomery has done it again. So nice to be here. And Carrot Top. Oh my gosh, I think it was 2003. I was in the Memphis, this airport with my mama and my papa and my brother. And I get a tap on my shoulder. This is probably 2003. I get a tap on my shoulder and Carrot Top, it is you. And I turn around and you say, what's up, brother? And you shake my hand and it was the sweetest thing ever. And I appreciate it. And Carrot Top, that taught me every time. Now I see a redheaded person, I say hello, I try to be nice. And carrot top. In 2006, I was working at the grocery store by my parents house and there's this beautiful redheaded woman that used to come into the store. And one day I was like, oh my gosh, I love your hair. I. I love your hair. And she looks at me all weird and she's like, yeah, I've thought about dating a redheaded person before, but I'm worried everybody would think it was my brother and feel sorry for me. Oh no. So it's just sad. So that's the end of that story. It just made me like, broke my heart. Let me give you a hug. Let me give. But thank you, Carrots. I've run. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. My wallet. It meant a lot, though, when. When he said, what's up, brother? Did your mom get really weird for a minute? Yes. You know, that sucks about getting older because I literally have people come to my show and they say, you my mom. Right? And then it'll be soon, you my grandma. It's. You get. You know, or your grandpa blew me behind the dumpster. You know, something. Some shit like that. That is incredible. I didn't know redheads had a thing where. Well, we have a. I heard about this with black guys. We have shorts. We wear shorts. We have. I didn't realize there was a red. It's like their scooter wave. That is so interesting. That's great. I know. I wish I had a redheaded joke in here. Do you have any. You have anything? No, I don't think it all taped to a parking meter or something. It's more. There's more thought process than that. But I like that I'm gonna have it next time I come back. I'm gonna have a Chucky doll. Tape, too. But it. Tape. Would you say, you know, you ever. Well, hold on a second. Hold on. Yeah. What do you have in there? No, I don't know. I'm trying to find something good. Should we do the turbo round Carrot Top and it. Anything we didn't get to. Well, this is kind of. Hold on. Sockets caught. So this is. Shut up. Shut up. So don't look at the secrets. Triple H. Okay. So. So when you. When people breastfeed their baby, right? People get upset when they breastfeed their baby in public. So I made this. So that way it just looks like you're holding, right? It's like, hey, yeah, it's a. It's it. Right? This is. You and I need to go on Shark Tank together. Yes, we do. I'm telling you something. Some of this. I'm telling you. This is. Here's one I could. I could sell in Shark Tank. Besides the toilet paper one, right? That's right. This is real. Like when you. This is the. One of the very first jokes I thought came up with. If you don't have time to vacuum your carpet, right? It's really about the lines on the carpet. Looks like. Like you vacuumed. So I used to do this when I was 12. You'd take a carpet roller and roll it on the carpet, and it leaves the vacuum marks. Wow. And my mom's like, oh, you vacuumed? Like, no, I just took a carpet paint roller. Wow. I could tell. Shark Tank, I'm telling you and me, I could tell that's one of your first ones that you came up with because you hadn't realized yet that if you did, you didn't even tape it to anything else. It's just one thing back you. Dad. Well, this is the. This is the. This is the early. And this is. This is the progression. See, this is. It started with this, and then it came into really clever. You could have just vacuumed. Also. We taking the same amount of time. I start thinking to myself, oh, this is pretty nice standing up here right now. And then I just hear this monster at the edge of the table. It's Red Band, Red Ban, and William Montgomery. God. Rivalry is one that will be written about in the history books forever. And Red, by the way, I get it. You shaved your beard, but you still look fat. Thomas. I'm kidding. Red Ban and William will settle the score at Wrestle Paloa September 20th, only on ESPN. Oh, yeah. Cena versus Lesnar Montgomery versus Red Ban and Red Bands. Mom's coming out with me. And William has a tattoo of a dick on his chest. Wait, what? Wait. Yeah, what? Carrot Top, we got anything else? No, I do, but. No, there's got to be something. I see there. This is good. This is. Come on. If you set me up, it's not going to be good. Yeah, it is. I like to walk up at women, I say, do you recognize? To me? And they say, no. When I said, how about now? Or you could go that. You could go. You could go, how about now? You know, I know that dick, Carrot Top. Second part, aren't you. You wouldn't put your penis through there, would you not. What? No, you wouldn't put your thing through there, would you? No, not again. Not again. What else, Carrot Top? We got. No, I think we've blown out the whole thing. These people love it. All right. Okay. All right. Now, this one's pretty clever, all right. It's a little sensitive. We love this. Oh, my goodness. Okay, no, hold on a second. No luck. Sometimes we see it before you guys. It's a little. Now, this is. This is one of my favorite ones. This is my favorite. One of my favorite ones. I'm proud of this one. So gun control, right? It's already sensitive gun control. I know how to fix. Fix gun control. You can't shoot a gun unless you have Rubik's Cube has to be lined up Just right. So you have to be smart to shoot somebody. Like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna kill you. But you can't shoot. By the time you figure it out, they're. They're gone. You are. I think. I think I'll end on that one. I absolutely love it. Did we. Did we announce that you and I are fighting at Meta Square? Yeah. Would that be awesome? William, you ever use any props at all in your standup? Why did some idiot laugh like that about that? I don't know. Is my notebook a prop? I don't know, Tony. My notebooks may be a prop. That's kind of my prop. All right, well, we're putting. We're right here towards the end here, Carrot Top. Are you sure there's nothing else in there? Oh, God. They want. All right. Okay. This is the final comedian. All right, hold on, hold on. All right, which one you want? Just one quick one. Okay. No, it may be a couple. All right, hold on. Oh, wait. This is good. This is a coffee cup for lesbians. See, they can see. How did you almost not do that? That's the best one. How did I not almost do that? It's amazing. How do you not do that? That one. Jesus. That is unbelievable. That's amazing. That's the. That's the. That's the amount of care that he gives to his props is top shelf. This thing is held together with tape. It is. Yeah. And that's. That's the promo right there. She watch Kel. Tony on. Is that Ellen Glass? Yeah, it says Ellen on the front. That is a true lesbian mug. That's a real. Well, the horrible thing is it said Ellen on it because that was how old it was. I would say it's Ellen's coffee cup. Yeah, I know. And then I got. And she said, why the. Would you. I said, I'm kidding. I can change it to. I can change it to Rosie. You can change it to anything. Yeah, I can put your name on it. It works for any lesbian. That's amazing. Any lesbian. See, it was kind of a generic, and then I forgot it said Ellen on it. No, it's great. Look at that, right? Hey, next on NBC. Is there anything else, Character? No, that's it. We got to end on the good one. Oh, they want more, these people. I'm telling you, Car, you're up for guest of the year. And Rob Schneider laid it down. Rob Schneider? Yes. You and Rob Schneider, neck to neck. I'd be reaching deep in that thing if I. So this is. This is Travis Kelce's playbook, right? Yeah. That's not a joke. That's actually. That's his playbook, right? Yeah. This is. This is. God damn it. This is their prenup. That thing is thick, right? Like that is. That is thick. Like. My God. That's amazingly topical. That's very topical. Right? That's amazing. Mug from 25 years ago. Right. Then it took from the. Wait, hold on. So you go from old to. To current. This one I made in your dressing room backstage. That's amazing. You think I'm kidding? You think I'm kidding? No, it doesn't work. Okay. Work. That's amazing. All the kids in my sweatshop work hourlessly behind Carrot Tops. Elves hard at work there. That's it. What do you guys think? One more. There must be one more. The problem. Need one more carrot. The problem is I did the A shit earlier. I don't know. That Ellen mug was a hit. Look. It's even called Carrot Classics. That's great. All right, this is. Which one? You. All right, hold on. We're gonna end on the. We're gonna end on this one. This is pretty clever. Oh, Shark Tank. I made. I made boots. Boots that have the soles reversed. You can't trace their steps. Whoa. That's actually genius. Yeah, I know. Carrot Top. It looks like I'm helping criminals. But that. That's amazing. Where do people see you in Vegas? Carrot Top at the Luxor. Every night. Every night. Luxor Casino. Every night at the Luxor. I'm going tomorrow night. No, go see him and tell him afterwards. Kill Tony sent you. He's part of the Kill Tony universe. One more time for Carrot Top, everybody. Brought to you by open phone, prize picks, and Nick. Guys, it's a dream come true for me. I'll tell you. How loud can this place get for Triple H? The great Paul lebec, running the WWE better than it's ever been. They're now teamed up with espn. Two of the most iconic brands in sports entertainment together at once again. Russell Palooza is September 20th. Cena versus Lesnar. Everything's going on. All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service. What an honor to have you, sir. Amazing. One more time for Carrots. One more time for William Montgomery. We did it again. The drawing from Ryan Je. Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, A Camel Patterson. And that's about it, guys. We did it again. Red band. Check out my fake band. Cat Bread 7 on YouTube. Spotify and everything. Tickets are available now for the New Year's Eve Moody center. Kill Tony, our 3 3rd year doing an arena in our hometown on New Year's Eve. Tickets are still available for that. That will sell out. It's moving extremely fast, so instead of coming up to me insane. I always try to get tickets, but we never can. Now's your one chance to do it. New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. Do it. God bless you guys. Thank you so much. Good night. Make some noise for Triple H and Carrots, huh? The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.