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Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Gabriel, Tony Hedgecliffe. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Red Baron, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. Huevos rancheros, Mio Amayo. We got Matt, Brazilian Matt, Brazilian Matt. Oh, it's Eli. Okay, Eli, everybody. That's right, Brazilian Eli. John D's on the keys. And this here, believe it or not, the madness in the house. Oh, my God, how exciting. Is this a brand new episode of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by BlueChew, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. My God. Pure momentum. We're having the time of our lives and tonight's episode will be no different. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Lowes knows how to get you ready for holiday hosting with up to 35% off select home decor and get up to 35% off select major appliances. Plus members get free delivery hallway, basic installation parts and a two year Lowe's protection plan. When you spend $2,500 or more on select LG major appliances, valid through 10. One member offer excludes Massachusetts, Maryland, Wisconsin, New Jersey and Florida. Installed by independent contractors. Exclusions apply. See Lowes.com for more details. Mint is still $15 a month for premium wireless. And if you haven't made the switch yet, here are 15 reasons why you should. One, it's $15 a month. Two, seriously, it's $15 a month. Three, no big contracts. Four, I use it. Five, my mom uses it. Are you. Are you playing me off? That's what's happening, right? Okay, give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 per three month plan. $15 per month equivalent required. New customer offer, first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com@new balance. We believe if you run, you're a runner, however you choose to do it. Because when you're not worried about doing things the right way, you're free to discover your way. And that's what running is all about. Run your way@newbalance.com running. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I book this show every week, and one of the things that I've been loving doing lately is, you know, making little chemistry sets, matching up people just right. Your Rob Schneiders and Donnell Rawlings, if you will. Your triple H's and carrot tops, if you will. This week, no different. Two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth. One, a master improviser, famous for his unbelievable crowd work. The other, one of the true dark forces of. Of all of standup comedy. An absolute man known for closing every show in the main room of the Comedy Store. And now, the Mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, two of my favorites. Make some noise for Ian Bagg and Brian Holtzman. Oh, my God. Ian Bagg. Gangster Kill. Tony legend Brian Holtzman. My goodness, what a panel we have here tonight. Brian Holtzman is back, the Duke of Darkness. Hi, Brian. Hi. Talking to. Say something into the microphone for the people. How's everybody doing? Yahoo. Shit kicking. We're going to have fun with Brian. And the great Ian Bag is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hot off a weekend here. Hello, Tony. Second time on this show. We had very exciting fun last time. Very exciting. I'm pumped to have you back. Very exciting and terrified of Brian. It's a perfect commentary match. It really is. Just. I love Ryan, but I'm terrified. Yeah, we all are. He keeps us on our toes. I've known Brian now for 18 and a half years. I've been. I've been looking up to him and he's. I consider him a mentor. These work a lot better. Again, if you use that microphone, Brian, I promise, again, he's 40. I've been looking down at you. 45 years in the industry still doesn't realize that the microphone is a critical part of show business. Famous for doing jokes off the mic, crushing off the mic. I love these guys. We're gonna have so much fun. You guys know how it works. About 300 human souls signed up for this bucket. They are all crammed into a bar next door. Some of them, some of the most talented upcoming comedians from all around the world. Some of them completely mentally ill people. Some of them have never even tried stand up. Before. Some of them have done it every night for a decade and a half. Anything can happen. I'm going to have this Puerto Rican outlaw pick the first name. Definitely a guy on the run from the police right now. Nowhere better to hide than the front row of a comedy show. We're gonna have fun while we go wrangle that person. I'm gonna tell you what happens when they get up here. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them. They hear from our esteemed panel and we have a lot of fun. The entire thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of our golden ticket and regulars are out on the road tonight. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, one of our great, great team members here that we've known forever. We found him in Dallas, I think six, seven, eight years ago. He famously was a good high kicker. He once kicked a. Tried to kick a water bottle off Jeremiah's head and kicked him in the head. A lot of fun stuff, fun history with this kid. He works hard. He works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We, ladies and gentlemen, doing the first minute of the night, make some noise for Colt McNeely, everybody. Here comes Colt. Hey, what's up? How are you? Oh, man. A little bit about me. I just got my own place. Thank you. I love this place. New apartment. My favorite thing about it is it doesn't come with a bitch who hates me. Fellas. Thanks for coming out, guys. You know, I think things are a little too political now. Would you agree? Yeah, right. You know, I miss when Antifa was just my black friend's cool aunt. You know what I'm saying? Antifa. I miss that lady, you know? Thank you. Thanks for coming out, guys. Oh, man. You know, I love the gays. They're great, right? They're not doing too much. I've never been. But I hear a lot of good things about gay bars. You know, I heard they pour heavier drinks than they do at straight bars. Have you heard this? Right? I think it's because the bartenders are pouring the drinks like this. Thank you, guys. Cold. What a great sight, that. Thanks, Tony. Hi, Brian. That was amazing, Ryan. Hello, sir. Really came through. Thank you, sir. Last time I saw you was behind the curtain about 10 minutes ago. And I told you, you're opening up the show. Quote, don't suck. Yeah, guys. No pressure, right? The look on his face did change when I said it, by the way. It was like he was real excited. And then when I said, don't suck, it kind of just, like, went like that. I kind of felt bad. I thought maybe being such a direct head coach wasn't a good idea. But then you came out. It works. It works. It works. Pressure makes diamonds. I guess you're goddamn right. And that's. Thank you guys for coming out. A little diamond. It was impressive. Yeah. How much stuff he could get in in one minute. He went from the gays to being alone to being drunk. Oh, man, there's a lot to talk about. Sucking two dicks at one time. Very impressive. Thank you, sir. You're welcome. We love it. Yes, Holtzman, I was very impressed. And I have a little comedy writing session in my place. You are welcome anytime. Hell yeah. Starts about 12 at night. And it'll just be you and I. I'll bring my grippy socks. Ooh, yeah. Hell yeah. Cole, tell us about you or tell these people. Oh, man. We know that you work here with us. You're a big part of the team. You've been hustling all around. You've been and part of the Sil Tony production crew forever. Yes, sir. What else? Work at the Sunset Strip Comedy club. Brian Redband's club? Yeah. Make fucking noise. Yeah. I run sound over there. I do spots. I'm like a regular over there, I guess. We have a show every Wednesday. Okay. Jesus, Colt. I mean, how about something else other than plugging gay bullshit? I don't know. I just got a sponsorship for a yo yo club or a Yo yo team. I'm a professional yo yoer now. Thank you. That's pretty boring. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Seems like you might only have a minute worth of material. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Right to the Yo Yo. Yeah. Do you have a Yo yo on you? I do, actually. Oh, my God. Guys, I need some yo yo music. What do we got? Yo Yo. We need yo yo music. We got yo everybody. We got yo yo music. We got yo yo music. Hey. Whoa. Wow. Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth. Somehow crushing the late night shows better numbers than snl. And somehow. Wow. What a flex. Oh, my God. There must be so many knots. Unbelievable. Thank you for coming out. For real. Thank you for coming out. Yes. They came out for that. Thank you, guys. I'm a fan. Now? Yeah, let's go. Bring that to the apartment and I'll try to insert it in your ass. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy. Put out real shit slow. Okay. Oh, my God. I had no idea this about Brian. Anyway, thank you. Thanks for coming in. Whoa. All right, cool. Other than yo yoing, you good at anything else? What else? Not really. All right, perfect. I'm really good at setting up this table. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. It's a lot of work, guys. It's like a puzzle that comes apart. Some little. Little behind the scenes for you. Yeah. For those of you die hard fans that ever wonder. I wonder how long it takes to put the table together. 18 minutes is the record. Hour and 18 minutes. Yeah. Coming up. Filled with LED lights. It's very strategic. There's little sound monitors, there's little video monitors that we don't use for the home shows, only for arenas. It's a whole thing. It's a big deal. I just heard the sound of 15,000 people turning off the show just then. Did you guys hear that? That was the most amazing, humble brag I've ever heard in my life. I've got a table that's got things in. Was a long time we had fucking. You should have seen some of the tables we've dealt with over the years, man. I bet. Oh, my God. How many yo yos have you gone through? Oh, too many to count, man. And I got another question. Remember how you said you're not living with a bitch anymore after seeing your yo yo? Was that your mom? Anyways? It was. She does hate me. I love it. Colt, you did it. A fantastic way to start the show. Put on your headset and get back to the. Oh, what was that? You got a gift from Holtzman. What is it? I'm gonna wash my mouth out with it. Wow. You naughty boy. Fix the mic. You're. You work here, remember? There you go. There he goes. He got a Boris. So Brian Holtzman famously gives gifts to each. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The lovely Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. New website, heidi regina.com. she's got sponsors and shit. She's killing it. The real deal. A modern day Vanna White. One more time for Heidi, everybody. And so it has begun. And now we get to the down and dirty. Our first bucket pull of the night. This person, no matter who or what they are, had no idea that they were going to be on the biggest comedy show in the world. Ten minutes ago, you saw this thug pull his name out of A bucket. And now he will be performing live. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Holloway, everybody. Mike Holloway. There are a lot of people who are really upset about trans women getting into women's sports. I disagree. I myself am considering identifying as a little person and getting into midget wrestling. I'll call myself Andre, the average fuck up. Seven dwarves at once, just like Disney. Speaking of Disney, I hear Disney is gonna do a live action Cinderella. Yeah, it's gonna star Elliot Page as Cinderella, who wants to be a prince, and Dylan Mulvaney as the fairy godmother who waves a tampon like a wand and says, figgity faggoty, and poof, there's Prince Cinderello. All right. Hell, yeah. Mike Holloway. Heck, yeah. Welcome to the show. Mike, is this your first time on? No, second time. Last time you were on, did I tell you that you look like Sid? Yeah, from the Toy Story. Actually, I think it was. It was Norman. Yeah, it's all I can say. Who was it? Mark Norman. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I see it. And how do you not talk about that coming back? You were here before. He gave you a joke and you said it. I'm going with the transgenders. Come on, man, put it together. Not his. Mike Holloway, how long you been doing stand up? Little over five years. Like, six years. Okay, where at? Started in KC. Okay, Kansas City. KC. How about JoJo? Did you ever start in JoJo? I don't know what that is. All your life, you prayed for someone like me. You see where I'm getting here? Okay, Mike Holloway. What do you do for work? I just got a new job at Tapville Social. At what? Tapville Social. It's a new restaurant and bar. Oh, okay. Up by the campus and the Moody Center. Okay, That's a good plug for them. What's good on their menu? What do they got good over there? Tower of Nachos. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what it looks like you'd be slinging. Hey, they got great shit, too. They got. They got a steak fr. That's very fancy. Steak frites. How big is this Tower of Nachos? Is it true? Size of our drum kit, it's about. It's about that high. That's a tower that red band wants to 911. You know what I'm saying? Just go head first right into it. Bring down. Bring down that tower. How's your Yo Yo? Yeah, terrible. You can't play Yo Yo. I can go up and down, but that's about it. I love that it's Play Yo Yo. Right now. Colt's like, oh, man. We don't play Yo Yo. You just Yo Yo. Is that what it is? I have no idea. It's been so many decades since I've seen one. I know. I was just like, holy, Fawcett's gonna be here tonight. You got nothing. You don't have a Slinky or anything on you about Uno cards or anything? He looks like he came from a toy box, and he hasn't. They took everything. What do you do for fun, Mike Holloway? I don't do much for fun anymore. Wow. Geez. Wow. Because I'm working and doing comedy, but I like to play disc golf. What else? I like to go fishing. I like to play video games, but I don't have my computer down here. Goodness. It's a real, real bunch of. I like to do a lot of stuff. Was that it? Did you just list it all and then you said a lot of stuff? Other stuff that didn't come to mind. Okay. All right. What's your love life like exactly? Because you seem like the kind of guy that just absolutely pleases himself. Yes. Holtzman is seeing what I see here. You seem like a guy that just jerks off when you first wake up and you have low testosterone for the rest of the day and you just don't even worry about that type of. Right. Pretty much. Okay, perfect. He's giving up. He's just like, yeah, whatever you guys say. I don't give a. You. I. I want. Right on his third time. I want to invite you to the writing. What are you gonna do with him? What are you gonna do? I mean, you already have Colt in a Yo Yo. I'm gonna do the same thing I'm gonna do with Yo. Oh. Try to get up inside that thing. Oh, I like the way you part your teeth in the middle. I love it. I really love it. I like the way that T shirt hangs off your shoulders. Can I say I really just really want to just you. I don't know if that's bad taste. I don't know. But checked with Mark Maron. He said I could say that he is. You gotta check in with him. Nowadays, it's a real big deal. He's the police. He decides what everyone can talk about. I love it. Mike, give us something else crazy about your life. There's recently. I recently crashed a bird scooter and up my knee. Whoa. So. Yeah. How did that happen? On the way to work? I just. I got it Was kind of a wobbly one and I got. I was too cocky and was going too fast in a narrow, bumpy area and lost control. Let me get this straight. You've got a credit card? Yeah. Mike, what size joke book did you get last time you were on this show? Big one. Well, there you go. Go fill it up, Mike. You started off tonight's show. There he goes. Mike Holloway, ladies and gentlemen. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Quo Quo, formerly Open Phone. It's the same great business phone system, just with a new name. If you're running a business, you need a phone system that helps you stay connected 24 7. That's why you need. Quo is the number one business phone. It works through an app on your phone or computer. So no more carrying two phones or using a landline. Red band Tony. I love Quo. With Quo, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts. And forget voicemail. Close built in AI agent can be set up in minutes to handle calls after hours. So you never miss a customer. Whether you're a solo operator or have a large team, Quo is a no brainer. See why over 90,000 businesses trust Quo. Get started for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months of quo.com Kil Tony that's q-uo.com Kil Tony and if you have existing numbers with another service quote will port them over at no extra charge quote no miss calls, no miss customers. This podcast is supported by FX's English teacher. Last year's critically acclaimed series returns to follow Evan, Gwen and Markie as they vie for their students divided attention. See why Cosmopolitan called its premiere season a master class of comedy. While Glamour raved it's the year's funniest and most heartwarming new comedy series. FX's English Teacher. All new Thursdays on FX. All episodes now streaming on Hulu. Well, well, well. I could not be more excited to have this name in my hands. Ladies and gentlemen. How cool is this? This young lady started off on the show famous for making great horse noises. Such an unbelievable horse noise that we had her go to the HEB center on New Year's Eve just to make one horse no noise. That was it. And then she got pulled out of the bucket again here and informed me that that maybe a little bit lighter there, Michael. She informed me famously that her that her parents were disappointed in her at the time for for being on such an unchristian like show. And so on the spot I asked her how much she makes at the job that she didn't really like. She told me I matched it. And now every day, Monday through Friday, she works directly with me. The odds of her getting pulled out of the bucket are unbelievable. And I couldn't be more excited to see a brand new minute from the great and powerful, the one and only, one of my favorite young comics. And this especially human beings. This is Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, everybody. I look like a girl who regularly goes to the gym, but just to poop. I really respect Helen Keller as a woman in history. Have you guys heard of Helen Keller? Yeah. She's never heard of you. I have a strong belief that Helen Keller coined the phrase talk to the hand. Cause a face ain't listening. But she probably sounded a little different as she said it. Touch your hand, touch your face, and touch a nigger. I'm really excited to potentially have a husband one day. And I'm excited about this possibility because I will get to greet that man every day for the rest of my life. You know, different couples, they have different greetings. Some like to hug, some like to kiss. I've been practicing the greeting I'll have with my husband. It'll look like this. Stop hitting us. Thank you guys so much. Sarah Sloan, everybody. Wow. How cool is this? Welcome back, Sarah Sloan. This is fun because I talk to you every day, all the time, and now we're talking like this. It's kind of weird. It's. So I literally said to you, I spend more time with you than anybody else. True. And I love it. Yeah, we have a lot of fun. Do you guys want us to leave? We are absolute polar opposites. She is a very, very, very, very good, well behaved Christian girl. And I'm a naughty boy. And we give each other balance. We live vicariously, slightly, I think, through each other. Sarah, tell these people something about you that we don't know. I mean, I don't even know. Yeah, I would say, like, I would ask you a normal question, but, like, I kind of know everything. Can I tell you a funny story like that? Well, there was one time Tony was about to go out to the lake, and then he started just looking at me, and he was like, I'm picturing you joining me and my friends going on the lake and you wearing a bikini. And he just started dying laughing. God. Wow. That is the weirdest time to make an HR complaint in front of all these people. Tony's an asshole. He says, my pussy's hairy. We have a lot of fun. Sarah is the best. Brian Holtzman. I really Appreciated. Your stage presence is wonderful. You have a beautiful little figure. And I especially liked your Helen Keller because I. I to this day, can't understand why she's who she is. I mean, she couldn't do anything. She couldn't go anywhere. I mean. I mean, to have somebody that's that famous and well known for being that deficient in all areas. I mean, what would you do with a Helen Keller if you, you know, Nothing. Maybe keep the door from shutting, you know? But thank you so much. I really appreciate what you did. I didn't know. Thank you. Thank you. So awesome. The great Brian Holtzman. I just want to say, night and day difference from the last time or two times you've been on, like, that was actually. Absolutely. Thank you. That was. The next thing I was getting to, is one of my. I had. I don't ever get to see you do stand up. And the unbelievable growth since the last time. Working beats. You're using your hands, great mic technique close to the mouth. Everything's good. Everything's, like, rock solid, professional. Sarah, what else is going on? Anything else crazy in your personal fun life or whatever? I told you, I told you recently, like, ever since I've gotten this job, men have been very interested in me. Hell, yeah. It's so insane. I'm just like, literally night and day difference now. I still don't do anything about it. I'm too afraid. Yeah, I went on a date with this one guy, and then he started just, like, at the end. I was dreading it. I was like, oh, no. And then he starts just hugging me, and I was like. And then he, like, kisses me on the cheek, and I was like. And then he was like, what's wrong, baby? He was Mexican. Shows you they really don't respect boundaries. Yeah. At one point, I literally. At one point, I literally held up my hand in front of my face and I said, don't kiss me, please. Do you think maybe you're a lesbian a little bit? I know I'm not. I just. I feel like. I feel so bad. Just like kissing someone that may not be my husband. Take it. Take it, Brian. Take it. Holtzman, be nice. I don't care if you do it to the men. Don't do it to my sweet little Sarah Sloan. She's a good Christian. She goes to church every week. Are you still Christian? Are you still a Christian doing this devil's work? Literally? I'm probably more a Christian now than before I started the job. Yeah, it's true. And a little fun fact if you. If you were to go back or if you're a fan of the show and you remember her getting the job live, which was a crazy thing. Nothing but my gut instinct. I knew nothing really about you other than you could do a good horse noise at the time. And, my God, how it's played out is unbelievable. And the parents that originally you said didn't like it, and it's a little bit too rugged of a show for you to be on, and they're laughing at you. Crazy stuff and everything we ended up making. I made friends with the parents. They came and visited, and now I'm friends with our super cool, awesome parents, too. They. They love you so much. Yeah. Yeah. This is how the devil works. Is nobody listening? Holy. It's happening right here. Like, the. The ground is just starting to bubble and, like. And we got another wonder. Sarah, Unbelievable set. I love the poop in the gym, the Helen Keller, everything. I love seeing the growth. You're a little star. We love you. One more time for the great Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. Wow. Wait, wait, wait. Sarah, real quick. How could I forget one horse noise for these people? Yeah. Sarah, Slo. That was your best horse sound. This is Kill Tony. That's the sound of Colt when you're pulling the yo yo out of his ass. I love the way he looks like the horse. Get that bit out of my mouth. Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to J.J. alexander, everybody. I just watched the new Superman movie, and me and my friend were walking out. He's like, you know what? There's no way anyone will fall for that. Like, just using glasses as a disguise. Like, he just puts a pair of glasses on, and everyone thinks he's a totally different person. No one's dumb enough to fall for that. I looked at my friend. I'm like, I know the glasses are a good disguise because I have to use my glasses as a disguise every single day. Like, with my glasses on, you might be like, oh, this is like a kind of cute, nerdy guy. Glasses off. I look like I eat crayons for the flavor. Glasses on. History teacher with autism. Glasses off. Matt Damon with Down syndrome. How do you like them apples? You know? Glasses on. Kind chick fil a manager. My pleasure. How we doing tonight, folks? What's going on? Glasses off. Arby's Manage J.J. alexander has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, dude. Holy. Unbelievable. Amazing. How long you Been doing stand up five years. Where at? Colorado Springs, Colorado. And you're just visiting us? No, just moved here, man. When did you move here? April. April? Yeah, dude. Moved down with four of my buddies. We slept on two, like, bunk beds side by side for two months. Fuck yeah. Just burned the boats to try to move to Austin, Texas. Try to do this show, man. That's how we do it. I get it. Yeah. That is awesome. I love it. How do you make money? What do you do for work? I work at Dutch Bros. The coffee shop. Oh, hell yeah. When you have your glasses on. Yeah, Glasses off. I'm giving out free coffees to everybody. I was like, would you like chocolate milk, Man, I love it. So, yeah. I worked at 5:00am today. Wow. Yeah, dude. Amazing. Hell, yeah. JJ, Ian. What do you. Not anymore. If you can do the impression of a horse. Oh, I got nothing, dog. I. No chance. Sorry. You were doing so well there, and then, bam. Brian to come over to do the joke writing contest at your house. Does he have to wear the glasses or not the glasses? He can do whatever he wants. Oh, we don't have to talk about anything at all. This is the scariest I've ever been in my life. This is nuts. Unbelievable. Jj, tell us more about you. Yeah, man. Yeah. I work with Dutch bros. I play. Yeah, No. I can solve a Rubik's cube. You can? I can. You know what's crazy about that? Ladies and gentlemen? No, please. I swear to God, you're not going to believe this, but just a few weeks ago, my amazing team here at Keloni informed me about a bunch of new things that we have backstage. A breathalyzer. We have a. All the old stuff. Your famous scale, your measuring tape. And now added, ladies and gentlemen. And this is. They told me this. And I go, what the am I ever going to do with that? That sounds boring as hell. But we have arrived at that moment as I present to you for the first time in Kill Tony history, Heidi, bring out the Rubik's Cube. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Oh, he's just attacking it right away. Ladies and gentlemen, glasses on. He can solve the Rubik's cube. Imagine it. Glasses off. He eats the Rubik's Cube. What if he was just lying? Like, he thought, no way they're gonna have a Rubik's Cube. And he's just like, Johnny Bigcock. I can do a Rubik so fast now, Tony, do you know the science behind it? It's like a. It's like a math thing. Like, it's A two, over, down, up. Yeah, I don't. I don't really get it. I've never understood the Rubik's Cube. I have no desire to whatsoever. I let other people conquer the Rubik's Cube universe while I do my own thing. When I was a kid, I found out that you could, like, actually take off each of the squares and pop them back on. There you go. Yeah. Oh, there is a timer, ladies and gentlemen. There's. They've started a timer. He's 45 seconds right now. This isn't quite going as good as I thought it would. It's no. Yo, yo. Yeah. Turns out you're very mediocre at Rubik's. Very close, though. It's very close. He's getting there. Oh, they used to also have the Rubik's Rubik going a lot of different. The master of Rubik's Cube knowledge, Brian Redban, our chief Rubik's Cube correspondent. I had no idea that you had such a wealth of knowledge. This was our video games back as a kid in the 80s. That is true. Redman is 51. Oh, my God. 119. Wow. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Wow. I was not expecting the crowd to be that into it when it was solved. Glasses on. Solve the Rubik's Cube. Let's go, baby. Amazing. I bet you can kiss your assistant. I'm in love with you. Oh, thanks. Thanks, Brian. Wow. Jj. Wow, a lady. I'll do it. Glasses off. That's impossible. I can't read without my glasses. What are you talking about? This has got nothing to do with reading. We just want to. They want you to look like, you know, a special kid. While you're doing jj, tell us more about you. Oh, yeah. I'm a. I'm a single guy. As you would. Oh, yeah. I'm just. I'm trying. I'm just. Austin, Texas, looking for love, man. You have a lot of. You have a lot of good material. Like you did. Yeah. Yes, sir. Yeah. How much. What's the longest set you think you could do? I've done 45 minutes. Okay. It was not great. Sure. Five years, but I got. I got 30. Rock solid, so. Right. Rock solid. Okay. And it seems like your life completely revolves around. Stand up. You're doing a little bit. It's a grind, for sure. You're working hard at it. Yes, sir. Every day I'm just out just trying to get better. That's all I can do. Holtzman's doing some type of. What exactly would you call that? Use the Microphone, then. Hi, honey. I'm home and it's been a hard day, babe. Oh, my God. Holy. Are most of the girls at Dutch bros over 18? Yes, sir. Red band. What the is going on over there, dude? Brian's just going to pull through my line. This going to be terrifying, dude. Oh, yeah. This guy's going to come with an unsolved Rubik's Cube every day. Wow. Yeah. What's. What's wild about Dutch Bros. Is we have a button on the iPad that's a bad day button. So if you come through and, like, you look like you're, like, you're crying, we give free coffees away. You're. You're so overly nice there. Is there like a. Like, is there a protocol that you have to do? Like. Oh, you have to, like, wink at them? Oh, no, no. It's just you. You just, like, try to treat everyone with kindness is like their whole thing. Like, it's like you start so not change lives one cup at a time. Dutch Bros. Sponsor me. Let's go. I need to quit. Let's go. I think they might want to sponsor you, J.J. alexander, because, my friend, what I have right here in this red box is indeed a golden ticket. You just won it here on Kiltoni. Congratulations, my friend. That's the real deal. We want to see more material from you, and I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you want. Hey. Hi. There you go. He'll do the secret show. Red band. Thank you, Tony. Thank you. How do you feel, jj? Are those real tears? You just changed my life, man. Thank you, Tony. Let's go. Austin, Texas. Let's rock, baby. Let's go. J.J. alexander. Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, congrats, Buddy Holtzman. Let him go. Let him go, Holtzman. All that talk. He was like, all that talk. I work at Dutch Brothers. We're kind. We try to change people's lives. Guaranteed, he's gonna be a complete dick tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Cause he is just. He's not gonna be working there much longer. He's just like, you wanna what? Fuck you. Suck my. Suck my special needs cough. Takes off the glasses, throws a Rubik's Cube at a child. All that kind of. Exactly. His whole attitude may change. That's how egos are born. How does that feel for you? How does that feel for you, just changing that kid's life? It's awesome. You know when I see somebody that's up here smiling and when they seem completely funny and focused on stand up. When he said the bunk beds thing. You know that means means that this is his life and that's exactly what he came here to do. Big move from Colorado. He's focused and we need people. Everyone, everyone here is blowing up so fast. They're SNL is poaching us now. They're fun. These guys are getting offers that be the next late night this and everything that we're building monsters and he could be. God only knows what can happen here. He could be on suicide watch in a few weeks too. It depends on if he goes to one of your writing sessions. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Checking off the boxes on your to do list is a great feeling. And when it comes to checking off coverage, a State Farm agent can help you choose an option that's right for you. Whether you prefer talking in person on the phone or using the award winning training app, it's nice knowing you have help finding coverage that best fits your needs. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. You and I make decisions every day, but you know being right with Prize Picks can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this NFL season, which I am absolutely thrilled about. This game is so fun and simple to play. It is amazing. This week on Prize Picks, I'm picking Joe Burrow for more or less than 270 passing yards. Red Band Tony I love Prize Picks. It's the only app that allows stacks, meaning you can pick the same player up to three times in the same lineup. Want to pick more on Josh Allen's pass yards, rush yards and touchdowns? Now you can pick all of them in the same lineup only on Prize Picks. Follow other Prize Picks players directly on the app and copy their lineups in one click. Whether it's a friend, a celebrity partner, or just somebody who picks like you like, you know. Hit the call button and check out every lineup they create in the new Feed tab on Prize Pick. Download the Prize Picks app today and use Code Tony to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's Code Tony to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. Prize Picks it's good to be right. We having fun out there, huh? Let's keep it moving along. Anything can happen. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Fern everybody. Fern everyone. My cousin has down syndrome. Don't feel bad for him though. He got laid so much he caught gonorrhea so we called him Slow Clap. I like to Treat pregnant women like dogs Because I'm a rub your belly. Yes, I am. I got two cats. One cat's name is Abyss, because if you stare into the abyss, the abyss will stare back into you. The other cat's name is Meowschwitz. The ironic part is Meowschwitz doesn't like showers either. I'll wrap it up there. Very funny, Fern. Thanks. Welcome, welcome. Howdy. Hell, yeah. How long you been doing standup? About four years. Four years. And this is your first time on the show? Second. Okay. Where are you from? Originally? Paris, Texas. But I also moved from Denver. Okay. How long ago was your last time on the Show? November of 23. It was my birthday. All right, Very cool. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a downtown high rise window washer. Whoa, really? That's you up there? Yes, sir. Holy God damn. Right. You do the Frost Tower? I. No. You have different ones? Yes, sir. Okay, you work. You do that every day? Five days a week? Yes, sir. Holy. Tell us about that. We've never had anyone that does that on the show. It is a blast. Are you being sarcastic? No. Like it is legitimately fun hanging from ropes, swinging from left and right. You know, scaring the out of cats. Yeah. So you know. Yeah. Honestly, tell us more. Like, what's something that you've rolled, I would say up on, but I guess you're going down. Yes, sir. You're rolling down. Because it is kind of a crazy thing, Right. You know, and these condos or whatever downtown, all of a sudden there's just somebody you don't ever expect and there's somebody coming from. Yeah, I don't scare people every day because they're like, what the. And it's a lot of fun. Right. What's one of the craziest things that you've seen rolling down on somebody's place? Nothing yet. Just a bunch of cats scared. My co workers have seen wild shit. But I've only been doing it for four months. In four months? No, sir, unfortunately, you could see cats and tits if you roll by Red Band when he's naked. Have your homies told you something that they have seen that's insane? A lot of naked web. Oh, that's it. Yep. Yeah, it's just pretty much it. People are standard high rise. They're chilling like Red band. All right. Is your cousin really special needs? Yes, he does have down syndrome. I don't know if he got ever the collapse. I don't know really. So he just made up a story about a slow Guy getting a bunch of pussy. Yeah. In fact, my mom told me down syndrome. After the fact, I was like, oh, shit. Oh, well. After the fact of what? Me writing the joke. Oh, wow. You didn't know that he had down syndrome? Talk to my family that much. Wow. You've never seen him like, you couldn't tell by looking at him. Like the kid, that neck, head, same size. I don't even know which cousin. Have you ever seen a special needs kid before? Yes, I have. They stand out. Wants to know what he's doing Wednesday at midnight. Is there a probational period in that occupation? I think it was like a 90 day probation. Yeah. It's a good union too, isn't it? That one's a non union. You're in a non union? Yes, sir. I was a union iron worker for five years, but I switched to high rise window washing so I could get off the building, go to an open mic and crush on kill Tony again. Amazing. Unbelievable. And you did. Have you never been scared of heights your whole life? Like, do you have like tall parents that held you or something? I'm the guy who fell out of the two story window when I was 15 months old. So no, I haven't. I've always loved the views and I've always taken a jump. How did that happen? It was hot as shit in Texas. I'm originally from Paris, Texas, and we were in Nacogdoches. Apparently the window was up, letting the breeze in. The screen was cracked. So when I got up on the couch, I looked over and I just kept going into the abyss. It was a lot of fun apparently. Yeah. Barrier. Clapton esque. Without a doubt. Same joke you made last time? Yes, sir. Well, yeah, it's the same story. I mean, if you, if you. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's just common sense. So, Fernando, what's the longest set you've ever done? 10 minutes, I think. Wow. All right. And four years in only 10 minutes? Yeah, I don't get a lot of spots. Have you ever thought about running your own type of show or anything like that? Or when I was an iron worker that was working 68 hours or 58 hours in Waco. So I was driving, waking up at 5am, not even getting back till Austin till 7pm and I was still trying to hit mics. So running a show is just. Just trying to get comics and everything else. It's kind of hard now. Yeah, it's true. Holtzman is kill yourself, kill yourself there. The rooster of excuses there. Fern Red band. What do you think he had a really great set. You remember? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I've seen some of the lineups you put on on Thursdays. Well, I just, you know, it's pretty full, but I have an eight minute spot open. Let's go. Perfect. There you go, Fern. Yeah, I mean, it was a great set. Maybe it's too distance. Maybe you forgot Fern. Just Fernando. Why do you go by Fern? It's my last name. What's your first name? Jason. Why do you go just by Fern? How many Jasons have you met versus how many ferns have you met? There's one right there. Yeah, my full name. Wow. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, Fernando. My full name's Jason Alexander, Fern. And you just had a Jason Alexander on. That is pretty crazy. And Jay Alexander was me and Red Band's favorite restaurant back in Columbus when we were in school. An unbelievable prime rib sandwich with extra spicy horseradish sauce on it. Have you heard of Jay Alexander's? I have not. Well, now you know. Yes, sir. All right. What size joke book did you get last time? You're on Big joke book. Well, There you go. J.J. alexander, ladies and gentlemen. Fern. I'm sorry, Fern. Thank you. Skipped around one more time for Fern, everybody. All right. How exciting. We go on and on. Look at Heidi just hustling, picking up the yo yo in the Rubik's Cube. Replacing the old golden ticket with perhaps a new one. Never given out, two in an episode, but anything can happen. And now I present you one of the longest names I've ever read in the show's history. This. This is Stephen Forrest Gump Posier, ladies and gentlemen. Fos Gump was bullied so much and so long, he ran so far and so fast that the bullets could not keep up with Faust. Gump. Faust. When are you gonna stop running fast? When, Faust? When? That night in Jenny's dormitory. I fucked the shit out of Jenny. I was like, say my name. Say my name. She like, you're False Gump. People call you False Gump. Gump. Gumpity Gump Gump. Oh, yeah. You may not know it, but I fuck like the wind blows. Forrest Gump used to work for the Bail Labatri Police Department. And they said, gun, Forrest, gun. I took off running. I got fired anyways. Life is like a box of cash made up to look like chocolates with a couple of chocolates mixed in. I hate cat shit. I guess I'm done. All right, Stephen Forrest Gump. Am I saying that correctly, or is it dosier? Dosher. Dosher. Fuck. Yeah. So, Steven, your real name is Stephen Gumpdosher. No, I was. I was trying to put Forrest Gump in there. Stephen Forrest Gump Dosier. Because I know you have an affinity for Forrest Gump, everyone, and I wanted you to pull me today. Everyone has an affinity for Forrest Gump. So, Steven, let me ask you. How long you been doing stand up? Last time I did stand up was 1986. Wow. For you millennials out there, that's 32 years. For all of you that can do the math, X NA on the math, literally 39 years. Yes, that's right, Tony. That's absolutely correct. I like your style. I think you're funny. Or when you're not doing the wacky forest impression. I can just tell. Yeah. I had a regular minute for you, and I've got some stuff I really like. You know what I want to do right now, and is there something you want to say? Let's just. I was just shocked that he had some stuff that he liked that he didn't bring. Yeah. Here's your chance to shine. Maybe I'll use that later. I got a lot of. He takes a lot of breaks. The forest thing was. Was adorable, and it was sweet, but you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to. Your real name's Steven Doer. Yeah. I'm just gonna reset it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Steven Dozier, ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Steven. Restart the clock. So I've got selective Tourette syndrome, which basically means I'm just another fucking asshole. But speaking of fucking assholes, I was getting a colonoscopy the other day, and as I was going under the anesthesia. That's the gas that can kill you. Not that hot rush, which, frankly, I would have preferred. Anyways, I told the crew in there, I said, hey, if you could interview my asshole right now. And one of the guys goes, hey, I've got a microphone. Great. My asshole was getting ready to say something important, profound, probably poetic. And this guy is going to be a fucking comedian. Thanks a lot, Tony. Thanks a lot. Anyways, if you could interview my asshole right now, this is probably what my asshole would say. Scene. Okay, I know everybody thinks I'm just another fucking asshole, but the truth is, I've got hopes, dreams, and feelings like the rest of you. So let's get this shit over with. All right, Stephen Dozier. So let's talk about your actual life, Steven. I have 437 questions going on in my head. What made you Want to restart stand up here tonight? Well, I retired, Tony. What did you retire from? I was a financial advisor. Oh, hell no fucking ways. Making too much fucking money. I love it. So I decided to quit. Are you serious? Yeah. They paid me to quit, okay? They paid me to quit. But it's a great job. I loved him and so they. I retired and. But yeah, I was thinking about doing comedy and then I started watching Kill Tony and then I started writing comedy. It's all your fault. I know. I mean, I have literally got two full books of stuff. I've been up there harassing all the other people up there, telling my bits just to see if they like it. I wrote a bit this morning. You what? This. I wrote a bit this morning. I'm laughing my ass off in the garage. My cats think I'm nuts. How many cats do you have? I've got two cats in the garage. I'm glad you brought that up. I've got two cats in the garage that jump through hoops, walk tight ropes, jump platforms. They are amazing. Wow. They are. They are trained. Did you use strippers? But strippers are harder to. Anyways. But no, two cats. I trained them. It was all accident. Come on, Brian. I don't want to hear about cats. You're always talking about. What do you mean? Didn't you. I thought you talked to Mark Marin about this. Wouldn't he tell you that that should be one of the main things that you talk about in all of your act? This is your. You remind me the guy on the airplane who needs extra help getting on. Look at you. You're a nightmare. Look at this. And you're a thief. A financial advisor. You're a thief. You're a fucking thief. Let me manage your money. And take. How much percent do you take? How much fucking percent do you take? How did you get rich on other people's fucking money? I'm sorry, Tony. Oh, let me manage your money. I can manage my own fucking money. Look, don't sugarcoat this, okay? Look at. This is the world's wackiest nursing home over here. I expect it. I expect it from him. I expect it from him. It's okay. Same thing as a realtor. This is the bedroom. This is the backyard. That'll be fucking $10,000. I know where the backyard is. I know where a bathroom is. It's. Sell it yourself. Sell your house yourself. Stephen, were you ever married or anything? Oh, yeah, I was married for. For about nine years. Lost my wife 15 years ago. Where'd you lose her at. She. She passed. She passed away. Okay. Party time. How long ago was that? Fifteen. Fifteen years. Fifteen years ago. Okay. That must have been hard, huh? Probably took her life. His wife. Okay, Holtzman, you guys are gonna be arguing later when you're playing gin rummy with each other or whatever the hell when you guys are playing. When you guys are playing chess at the park again. Your dog just went up. I love it. How did she die, Stephen? She committed. She really did. Oh, my God. It's okay. It's okay. Sorry. It's okay. It happens, you know? Things happen. Oh, my God. That must. Must have been so hard. Brian, stop. Steven's having fun. We're having fun. That's okay. That's okay. It's okay. You know, life has been good since then. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's been exactly. That's been helpful. Hell, yeah. That's it. That's all it takes. Comedy. Comedy has helped. That's right. Absolutely. A lot. I like your a whole lot. Oh, a lot. Where do you, where do you live now, Stephen? I'm. I'm in Conroe Willis area here, north of Houston. Okay, perfect. I know I'm not there. Don't look like I come from Houston. What? I missed that one. How old are you, Stephen? I'll be 64 in May. Wow. That's it. Yeah. I look good. I haven't been out in the sun a lot. Coming out in the sun a lot. Okay. You're just. You look a little bit older than you are. Maybe it's the cane or something like that. Thank you. I older you. Oh, I thought you was gonna cut me some slag. Give me some youngerness, dude. It's like I'm 35 years old. Tony. You don't like it when people lie. Holtzman, how old are you? I'm 35. Maybe I should have said 35. No, you're good, Steven. What else? Other than training your cats and so, you know, I had my book with me, and I had 15 top 15 things to tell you. I built a clock. I built a marble clock. It took me six years. I just built it. This is why his wife probably. No, Holtzman, stop. He makes. Talking about cats and all sorts, you know, he makes very dark jokes. Guitar. I know. I'll watch this guy. I love it. I love it. Well, you're in the eye of the storm right now. Oh, we're good. We're good. How do you make a marble clock? You, like, chip away at it? No, I just. I just know I, I, I cut it up with the. With the. With the. The saw, of course. But I started. It's like a big chess piece. And then I'm like, you know, I've come this far. I might as well go a little further. And then I built a little hobbit thing underneath it that encloses it, and it's. It's. You guys seem bored. I'm so intrigued by this guy. The panel is literally just gasping. And I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I've never met an Amish person before. Hey, I do like. I do like the cut. Yeah. Well, I made my own clock. It is. That is very. What the. Your facial hair. Cuban clock. It is unbelievable. We have an eclectic group. I'm gonna check in with our chief correspondent. Nobody wants to hear Oliver. People talk. Next you're gonna tell us they took a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck. Wow. That's a fucking bumper sticker. Take a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck. BrianHoltzman.com show every Thursday at 10pm here in the Fat Man Holtzman and friends. It's unbelievable. Ianbag.com he's on tour. Sweet. As I said you were. One more question for you. I know this interview is going too long, but I just find you to be intriguing as hell. You know, you're 60 something. You look 80 something. You lived up. You lived a whole life. I find it all so intriguing. You ever have kids? No. No kids. No kids. We were gonna have kids, but what's your secret to not having kids? It ultimate. I pull out. I pull out. Very quick pull out. Very good. I love it. And give me one more crazy, fun fact about your life. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here we go. So, the top. The top. Well, I already told you the top two things. Well, there's a third thing that I do. Oh, you got to put a couple drums. Wait, what are you. What is it, Stephen? Well, I'm just. What are you doing? Whoa. You play the drums, Stephen? You really do? You play the drums? Really? Are you serious? Should we have a Mexican drum up here? Oh, my God. It's been a long time. The hat goes backwards. Michael Gonzalez. It's kind of tough to get back there, Steven. It's a tight squeeze, but there you go. Come on in there, Stephen. The first ever Mexican drum off where a guy has to lean his cane up against the wall. This is Kill Tony history right now. Now, some of you might be new to the show. I see some tables of ladies out here and girlfriends that look like they've been kidnapped and dragged here. So if you don't know, a Mexican drum off is legendary on this show. It is when somebody that pulled out of the bucket knows how to play the drums, gets to do a drum solo here live, completely improvised on the spot. They had no idea what the drum that would. Wait. Stephen, relax. Stephen, relax. You're like one of your fucking cats in the garage right now. Chill out over there. So here's how it works. He does a drum solo, and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo. The crowd decides who their favorite was. If Steven wins, and it's never happened before, the resident drummer on this show, I think, is about all time 67 and O against the bucket pool drummer. But if he happens to win, he will become the brand new resident drummer on Kill. Tony Michael Gonzalez will have to. They have to switch lives. So Michael will be locked in a garage with cats running through hoops. And Steven will be here every Monday while Michael Cat sits for him. You don't know if cats. What, Right, I agree. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo. This is a Mexican drum off. And this is Steven Doer. Wow. Wow. Steven Dozier. I don't know if you guys know anything about percussion or. I'm sure you don't have an angle at it, but this was just working the double bass pedals back here. The musicians got very excited. I happen to notice it as well. Steven's putting up quite the fight here. He might actually be 25, just dressed up with prosthetics, brought out the cane. Trying to put play dumb over here. Someone's playing possum. He's trying to get a full time job on this show. The bad news is Steven stay there. Stephen, stay there for right now while Michael plays. That the camera can get him. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, undefeated resident drummer. This is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez. It's Jesus fucking Christ. Holy shit. A true battle of the titans, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well. This is the part where you decide. How many of you have Stephen Dozier winning that competition? How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Yeah, no doubt about it. They'll still argue online, I'm sure, but 100%, you could agree that Michael just slightly edged you out there, right, Stephen? He's warmed up. Oh, this motherfucker. Oh, my God. I like your style. I love people of all different shapes and sizes coming in here and fucking playing around. Ian, can I suggest for your standup that maybe it's behind a drum Kit, it's been that way before. You should do it that way. I'm not being a dick, but you'll go farther. Yes, you are. How often do you come down here? How many times have you signed up? Up, Stephen, this is my first time. First time ever. I was the first one at Shakespeare's at noon today. You were there at noon. Look at you, you badass. My brother. My brother is. He. He built a nice house up in Georgetown. And I called him this yesterday. I said, hey, I'm coming up to go and Kill Tony. I'm going to come by and see you. And he's like, you're not. Because I'm in Alaska. Okay, I'm going to Shakespeare's at noon. Well, there you go. Well, look at that. All that energy and manifest thing, it got you here. It's all your fault. I have literally written two books of material because of you. I love it. I love it. Watching. I started watching Kill Tony. I was already thinking about doing comedy when I retired. Yeah. But I started watching Kill Tony like in March. And then I started writing in May, and I've literally written two books. I wrote something this morning I like a lot. Okay, let's hear what you wrote this morning. Well, you know how women have that little ring in their nose? Well, back in my day, we would do that with the hogs on the farm. We'd put the ring in the nose on the hogs so they wouldn't root out under the fence. I guess a couple of these bitches got out. Hey, you son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. Stephen, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come back in a few weeks or something and play drums on those pre show. Play a song or two with the boys over there. No, I almost brought my electronic kit with me tonight because you're always talking about how don't come up here unprepared. You almost brought a whole drum kit. I've got three drum kits. I got one I'm trying to give away. Wow, look at this guy. I gotta stop buying stuff, Ian. Sounds like the wife was insured. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. These dead wife jokes are coming in hot. Steven, I love that you're laughing at him. You have a great fucking sense of humor. You're a hell of a fucking sport. Thank you so much. And here, Stephen, here's the big joke book, buddy. I know you got your hands full. You ready for it? Oh, damn it. Son of a bitch. One more time. How loud can this place get for Stephen? Docher, everybody. You play did it, buddy. Have a great night. There he goes. How exciting. Long interview. Long one. You deserve it, Steven. There he goes. All right. This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legendary nights. From backyard Jams to Sold Out, There's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly. Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee. Finally, in your wellness era, then you know gut health is gut wealth. And with 20 years of science behind it, Activia can help keep those good gut vibes going. Deliciously smooth and creamy Activia probiotic yogurts and dailies have have billions of live and active probiotics and help support gut health while you go about your day. Your gut is where it all begins. So start with Activia. Enjoying Activia twice a day for two weeks as part of a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle can help reduce the frequency of minor digestive discomfort. We're gonna keep it. You guys still having fun out there? I thought so. Your next bucket poll, 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Going by the name of Tommy Tickles, everyone. It's Tommy Tickles. Uh oh, we know. Tommy's back. Excellence for Tommy Tickles, everyone. Y' all might have guessed that I'm an amateur taxidermist. I'm a. I'm an amateur because nobody's paying me to kill and stuff all these cats, especially not my dickhead neighbors. I'm not a very good negotiator. When I first met the future Mrs. Tickles, I was like, I like to have sex when I wake up in the morning. I like to have sex before I go to bed at night. And on the weekends, I like to have sex three or four times a day. And she was like, how about a blowjob on your birthday? Okay, 14 blow jobs later, and I'm still married. Yeah, I always pay my bills. Maybe not on time. I've never reneged on a bet. I did get fucked by a black guy twice down at the dog track. I always pay my debts. I'm not a renegger. If anybody were to call me a re. Nigger, I would be pissed. What the fuck did you just say? He said. He said. Hold on. Chill. We're going to go. Oh, what the. The little things. Carlos Sosa, that sax with a bom bon bom. God, has the funniest timing in the world. Deep madness. Coming back from a pee break after an old white man says the nword a couple times. What did you say? If you don't pay your bets, then you rene on your bets. Right. And I've always pay my bets. Okay. If anybody were to. All right, don't. Don't repeat it again. I get it. It actually checks out. Technically. That makes sense. That's a loophole. If I've ever. That is a loophole. That is a loophole. Leave it to an old country man to find a loophole. Even if. Even if you call me a re. They're calling it John D. I wouldn't. I would know what you meant. I know I would know what you meant. I'd be pissed. Ruling on the street. The blacks have ruled it aloud. After review of the play, the call on the field has been overturned. Tommy Tickles is safe. Pay my bills. Wow. My goodness. I should have. I should have. Wacky ways to get racial slurs out there, too, instead of just doing them straight up. I used to think it was a racial slur, but somebody told me that's not how you spell it. My God, how many times did he write it down before he found out? Never. Yeah, yeah. What tombstone did you chisel it on? Here lies I. Let's check in with our senior Racial Slur correspondent. Brian Holtzman here. I didn't hear anything degatory about anything. Tommy Tickles. Look at you. What a character. It is adorable Old man night here at the Comedy Mothership, Back to back, the world's wackiest nursing home. I don't know if you guys remember the movie Cocoon, but this is what's happening here tonight. Yeah, I know. That's a reference you would make. Tommy, how old are you? Yo, I'm 51. 51 is the same. They just read, baby. Why do the people that sign up for the show look so old? All right, all right. You look fantastic, bud. Don't let him put you down. No. Why do you look so old? How many of your wives have killed themselves? All of them. I've been married 14 years. Happily married. Amazing. Amazing. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? Tommy Tickles. All right, I got a few. Okay. Wow. He was ready. There's. You know, you've got your quickie, which is easy, but, you know, if you're going to prepare, you might as well set the mood with a little music or whatever. And, you know, know, don't have anything funny on tv. Hell, yeah. Cats you know, make sure your cats and your dogs are outside or whatever. Okay, But I have a position for you. Like when you're going down on a lady. On. On a lady. Yeah. Yeah. Guys, give me some good going down on a lady horn music. Here we go. Keep going. Tommy, make sure you talk right into the tip. And you normally have the butt cheeks in this hand. You switch this hand over to the other butt cheek so that you can play around right here. That's my little secret. You can call it the Tommy Tickle. Holtzman's writing it down. Hand switch to the other butt cheek. Just like that. You got the butt cheek right there and then you got this right here. It's the crossover. Crossover. Wow. Tommy Tickles. Take that home. The Cunningus crossover, written by Tommy Tickles. And I like to keep things nice and we. So we've started using organic lubricant. And my favorite, if you want to know. Huh? Yeah, we do. Olive oil. That's what I was going to say. Hi, honey, I'm home. Holtzman's never used lube on anything in his life. This is a dry. This guy goes dry jerky, dry rub, sandpaper. What's your favorite kind of lube? Tommy Tickles. You come to Tommy Tickles 2025 on Instagram and I'll show you what my favorite. I will show you the product. It's called V Woo Coconut oil, and it's distributed right here in Austin. Wow. Holy. There's a guy back there that just loves a locally made made product. No matter. No matter what. Someone just lost their mind back there. Yeah, he's already sponsored, I think so. Tommy Tickle Coconut. I go with the other hand. That's where it's at. Yeah. Sometimes I go this way, sometimes I go that way. You're gonna need some help. Tommy Tickles. You've been on this show before. You got a big joke book before? That's correct. There you go then. You already got it. There he goes. Tommy Tickles. On to the next one. We go on to the next one. On to the next one. It's the great Jay Z that once said the words, on to the next one. And so we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll is Jeremiah Bishop. Jeremiah. Oh, the Kiltoni debut of Jeremiah Bishop, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? So I just celebrated four months of sobriety. The proper response is to bow, I'm better than you. No, but I had to get sober. I loved cocaine way too much. Can we just at least agree cocaine is the gayest drug you can do, because how's it gonna start? Me and you, sir, we're gonna get a bag, we go to the bathroom, we pray nobody finds us. How does it end? 6 o' clock in the morning. We're gonna talk about our hopes, our dreams, our goals, our aspirations, how we would love to open a beautiful little breakfast nook in Wisconsin. We might as well just suck each other's cocks at that point. It would be way less gay. All right, 46 seconds of thunder from Jeremiah Bishop. Hell, yeah, Jeremiah. Grab that microphone. That was the weirdest AA opening I've ever heard. Hi, my name's Iz. I like to suck. Hawk in open graphics. Jeremiah. Let the games begin, my friend. How old are you? 34. 34, wow. Just take note. He's only about 14 years younger than the last two guys that were out there. It's unbelievable. Okay, how long you been sober off cocaine for? Four months. Okay, what do you. What. How did you do it? How did you go. No cocaine. Trying to quit hanging out on 6th street, drinking so much, honestly. All right. And that's what did it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. It's a. How. How low did it get? How bad was it? At one point, before I moved out here, I was like, homeless. I used to. Where were you at then? Florida. Oh, yeah? What part of Florida? Polk county, baby. Okay, there it is. Represent. This is what they look like there. Gross Malone. Smelly roll. I like jelly rolling the pipe. All right, Jeremiah, what do you do for work exactly? Are you a bar back? I do pick up shifts at Shakespeare's. Boom. But I work in customers. Customer relations for a telecommunications company. Okay, so you are on the phone headset. Absolutely. Okay. How long you been doing that for? About four years. All right, Very good. And these face tattoos, when did you start doing that exactly? I got my first one at 19. Which one was that? That'd be the anchor. What made you get an anchor on your face at 19? Mike Ness from Social Distortion is pretty cool. Okay. Do you play music or something? No, this is all I can do. And you just decided. I'm gonna start. What's the red ink under the left eye? Broken with broken heart for the O because. Wow. And what made you get that one? Exactly? What did you do the night before you decided to get that one? What do you have to do to your dopamine serotonin receptors? Exactly where you go. Ah, you know what? I'm just gonna permanently just let everyone know. Cocaine, right? Yeah. Unbelievable. Yeah, go ahead. Still got Jewelry, though. I don't know how bad the cocaine hat was. I don't know how real the jewelry is. The tattoos are real. That jewelry is straight up quarter grab machine, right? Oh, no, this is legitimate. But I didn't buy. It was passed down to me, so. Okay. That's the first you sell when you're doing cocaine. Yeah. I hated grandma. Let's burn this. I thought it was fake for sure. I didn't even think those were tattoos. I just thought it was the jewelry. Bleeding green all over his body. What do you do for fun now that you're not getting wasted and having late nights? I mean, hiking, camping, pretty much anything outdoors. Wow. All right. In four months. I'm outdoorsy now. Well, I used to be homeless, so, you know, it's just living the past. Tell us about your life as a homeless person. Tell us about your tricks to survival or. Or some crazy lows or some things that you saw or had to do. Well, I always did the hobo sexual thing, you know? Nope, we don't know. What does that mean? It's where you sleep with somebody for a place to stay. Okay, tell us about that. Well, see, I always up because I would never get, like, a girl that had her own stuff going on. It was always some gal that had a couple sugar daddies. I called it trickle down dickonomics. Not real. That was real. Doesn't sound. No, it doesn't real. I think this kid lives in a rich house with rich parents. Did you have rich parents? I do get a rich parents vibe from you. Like, you were the renegade. You wanted to. No, you, mom and dad. I want to show you. And then they're like. Well, you're not. No, no, My parents were. Okay. Not super well off. I mean, we only had three bathrooms. Yeah. Did they have three bathrooms? No, no, no. Two bathrooms? Yeah. Outdoor shower. No. Brian Holtzman. I. I, quite frankly, I have. I have nothing to say to you. I am completely uncomfortable just being on the same stage with this. With this. It. I mean, the tattoos are okay, but I mean, the metal products. I mean, why don't you go in the back and blow the guy who was playing the drums? I mean, this is. This is. This is. This is fucked up. I'd rather have a Helen Keller look alike up here. So for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps he does have the big gauge earrings and you have a piercing. What do you call that? Part of the human body? Body. That'd be your philtrum. Your philtrum. Yes. All right. And what made you decide to get that pierced just above the upper lip. Social Distortion. Catch a little bit of the cocaine, you know, so. All right, but seriously. No, I. I don't know. Just thought it looked good. Okay. You have other crazy pierced or tattooed? You might love this one, Tony. It's your dick. I have my dick tattooed. Uh huh. With Shawn Michaels logo. Wow, that is incredible. Prince Albert. No, just tattoo tattooed. It's a tattoo. I know, me too. Like the. The hearts one? Yeah. Broken heart says hbk. Above it it says hbk now. Did you think that. That you'd find your dream girl or something? There's a guy that really wants to see it out there. If it's. I'd imagine. Imagine if it's online. Where online? Where can people find this at? You can find me the guy that thinks. Show us that hog. Show us that hog. No, no, keno. Go back to normal lighting. Keno. Yeah, you can. Can find it on Twitter. Daddy Dick Wolf. On Twitter. My. It's out there. Daddy Dick Wolf, everybody. For those of you. For that guy. For those of you that are interested in seeing it, you can find it there. Here's a. Anything else for what's your worst decision in life? That's a great. Wait a second. What the. Is this you? Holy. We found it. Wait a second. Hold on a second. What exactly are you doing here? What? What are you doing? Wait a second. Hold on. Spin it back around. What are you doing? What's wrong with you? I. I gotta make money somehow. Tony. You. You make money from jerking off? Yeah, Yeah, I like him now. Jesus Christ almighty. Oh my God. How could you not mention this on a interview? It's been eight minutes and now you find out that you stroke a. For a living. Telecommunications with a headset. Yeah, right, you creep. What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Sexual, actually. For money. For money? I mean, like this way I know when you were homeless, you probably butt a trucker or something. No, for money. Just. Just shot content. Nothing, Nothing crazy. So the question would be. When you say shot content, what's the most shocking thing you've ever done? You told us your Twitter handle. Like we were going to see your dick, maybe. And it turns out you're doing everything we just saw you. Pissing, stroking it. Double stroke, two hand up and down. The old toilet plunge motion. And how do you not talk about that during your set? That's what I'm saying. It's incredible. I used to do cocaine. No, you couldn't. Watch me jack off after I get off stage. That's what you should be talking about. I don't have anything that's a minute. About that. I got, I got a couple of sets. 12 minutes of it, my friend. Since you did 46 seconds and it was. Okay, here's a little joke. Oh no. Right off his dick into the front row. Yeah, that book just caught chlamydia. There he goes. Jeremiah Bishop, everybody. Holy cow. Holy cow is right. You ever do that? Kind of. Yeah, I did it, but I was in England to die. This is definitely, I'm pretty sure, a new name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hell's Bells, everybody. Hell's Bells. Hello. Hello. So just a little bit about me. I'm a quirky person and have a very big habit of making an awkward situation much more awkward. For example, when I went back to school, I went to school with this guy named Alex. Alex came back from summer break as Alexa. So a bunch of us decided we were going to take Alexa out for lunch and celebrate this new transition. Well, our heterosexual young man server was really having a hard time with us. Alexa, bless her heart, was really trying to make the situation a little bit more lighthearted. She leans into the table for the rest of us and says in her high pitched voice, you know, I'd really like to just ask him, can I have a cup of water please? The rest of the table just lap tails up. What do I say? You don't have the balls. Leave it to me. Awkward situation. Hell's bells, everybody. Hell's Bells. Welcome. Hell's bells. Did you see the on the last guy I heard Hell's bells. How long you been doing stand up right now? This is your first time? Very good. There you go, that makes sense. There you go, that makes sense. So how can I ask you how old you are? Hell's bells? 51. 51. Okay, very good. Actually one of the youngest people on the show tonight. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? What made you want to start stand up here tonight? Well, I'm dating a young man. How young? He is 10 years younger than me. Ooh, look at you. Yes. Does he have face tattoos? He is a big fan of your show. Uh huh. And so I've started watching your show and I, you know, became a fan. Okay. Where'd you meet this young buck? At a soccer game. What kind of soccer game? A San Antonio soccer game. Oh, he's Latino. He is Latino. He is Latino. Found your himself a little. Yeah, well, you wouldn't know it he looks like a redhead like me. Sure. Yeah. I bet we would never know he's Latino. Yeah, there's no way the world's greatest ice agent would walk right by him. Yeah, totally. Totally. Hell's bells. So you. You have money? How do you have money? I know you have money because you're dating a 41 year old Latino boy. That's the out of you. For exactly that reason. So how did you come across this newfound wealth? Wow. I'm a. I'm a nurse. I don't. I work for my money. I don't actually have money. I work my tail end off. Okay, well, looks like you still have a lot of tail there. I think you've worked it off just yet. What kind of nurse are you? I'm a registered nurse. Okay. Hell yeah. I love it. Is that because of the younger guys? Like a sex offended registered nurse? Yeah. Just to go to Quinceanera's and introduce herself to the. She's not supposed to be that close to the soccer field. So tell us more about your life. What else has been going on? Well, an interesting thing is we came from the same part of Ohio. Oh, what part are you from? Newton Falls. Okay. Yeah, I know Graceville, actually. Okay. For all fours. Newton Falls. So, Niles, all that. Yeah, I know it all very well. How long were you. Where do you live now? Fredericksburg. Oh, okay. All right. And what type of life are you living out there? What are you. What does that look like? You live by yourself? Yes, with my son. He's 20. Okay. I work from home. I do a lot of community things. You're an at home registered nurse? I paid my dues, trust me. I worked the shifts. I've done all that stuff. I now am an advocate and I have 28 patients. Wow. Amazing. Incredible. Okay. What, do they come to your house? What are you talking about? I call them. It's all telemedicine. What is it? Telemedicine. So you're lazy, you want to work from home, Hence the big ass. No, I'm very impressed with your figure. I like women that are just natural. Fuck working out, fuck exercising, fuck saying no to an extra piece of cake perhaps. Oh, my God. Never missed a meal in her whole life. Okay, you're gonna finish that piece of steak. All right, all right, all right. Need a nurse. I mean, come on. Okay, do you use like a filter when you're talking to your patient? Do you use like a catfish like filter so that they. I can't tell if you're laughing or crying. I really hope you're laughing right now. I am definitely laughing. Perfect. Great. Awesome. I. I gotta be honest with you. It's the first time doing stand up and she decides to do it here. Yeah. That's amazing. It really is. That's. That's stupid. Like, it really is. You're out of control. Like, you're. You don't plan things well. Well, yeah, we actually hate that. And I'm not crying. Turns out you do have bigger balls than Alex after all. Well, hell's bells, congratulations. You got your start. Here's a little joke book. You're gonna catch it. It's coming at you. I'm gonna. I'm gonna get it right in that hand. Oh, you panicked. Hell's bell. That's why she likes soccer players. Yeah, exactly. At least I didn't panic earlier. I should have kicked it to you. And I want to say thank you for. For your service, medical professionals, you know, thank you one more time for Hell's Bells, everybody. Eczema isn't always obvious, but it's real. And so is the relief from Epglis. 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Ask your doctor about ebglis and visit epglis.lilly.com or call 1-800-LilyRx or 1-800-545-5979. I'm Christian McCaffrey, pro running back and abercrombie is an official fashion partner of the NFL. I'm not kidding when I say NFL by Abercrombie. Broke the Internet Internet last year, and I think this season's lineup is even cooler. And so does my wife, who keeps stealing all my hoodies. Stay fit for the season. And Abercrombie's newest arrivals shop NFL by Abercrombie in the app, online and in store. All right, we're keeping it moving along here. This young man has been on the show multiple times. Always funny, Always. Let's see what the new minute looks like from JP Hinsdale. Everybody make some noise for JP Everyone. How's everybody else's bipolar manic depression going? Fuck, yeah. Let's do this shit. See a lot of couples in the audience. What's up? I'm single. Shut the fuck up. I'll jump. Okay. I warned you. No, man, it's. If you are with somebody, stay, like, stay where you are. I'm out here in the wilderness. There's nothing out here for you. It's just darkness on the edge of town. I was out with a girl recently, and she said, if you're lucky, I'll give you herpes tonight. I had to tell her I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I don't have health insurance. It's not okay. Cupid, how is my time? Thank you. Hell, yeah. One more time for Hell's Bells. With a beard. I'm kidding. J.P. hinsdale is back. Funny stuff. What did you start with? Bipolar. What'd you say? Bipolar manic depression. Is that you got that? Yes. Wow, look at you. That's like your fourth or fifth biggest problem, JP. It's not even in the top 10, but let's go with it. I love it. One could say you're a bipolar bear. Yeah, I bring the beef. How do you deal with it when you're at your low lows? You're not hiking or walking or anything? No. So what is it exactly? I was swimming, but the sea betrayed me, Tony. Yes, it did. They kept you in a tank at SeaWorld. Yeah. Your dorsal fin went soft. The kids stopped coming to see me. I couldn't splash anyone. Right. It made me very sad. This is white fish. Yeah. I got a clog in my blow hole. It was. You literally do like you do look like you haven't taken a in a year. You look like little do. You know, that's mostly what I do. I bet. My God. What do you like to do when you're sitting on the toilet? How do you kill the time? I'm. I'm just wondering When I'm going to have my Elvis moment like fame. Yeah. You talking about eating another peanut butter and banana sandwich? Sure. Marrying a 15 year old. Let's check in with our senior obese Handler correspondent, Brian Holtzman. I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I think what happened here, and I've mentioned this to a friend before, I hope I'm not being accused of repeating myself, but I think what happened here, Your gym burnt down. Didn't it close it gay. It gave me an infection. Jesus. Wow. What do you mean? I, I, that's why I, I told you this. He betrayed me. Tony. It was actually the pool at An La Fitness. Keep going. Yeah, it got like really infected. I guess I had a cut or something because they didn't clean the pool right. And then I like, I got really, I got sick in a weird way. Can you explain to us the weird way that you got sick? I got crazy delusional. Like, and I had a show that night and like, I got an argument with my friend that didn't make any sense and I jumped out of the car in the middle of the highway, which was, that was on the way to the show. So that was the first clue. And then I was going doing the show and I had this bit because my friend's show was called Big Dog Sundays and I happened to have a dog sex mask. Yeah, that's normal. Go ahead. I can explain it to you, but it really doesn't matter. Okay. Yeah. And so I had this bit. Like I go up there with the mask and not explain it, but I take it off eventually. But I left the mask on the entire set and people did not like it. Okay, we get, when we got a little off track here, we were talking about the infection from the pool at La Fitness. Then I got back to that house and our AZ was out, but I was like freezing cold. Your AZ was out? My ac okay. My az. Az okay. But yeah, and like, I was like, I had chills and they were like talking to you. I was trying to figure out if they should call the ambulance, but I don't have health insurance, so that was kind of the thing. And then for a while there, I couldn't walk for like a week because it just like my leg was just that fucked up. So what did they say that you had? I got an infection in my leg. I never went to the doctor. I just, I got better event. I get pouring. No, you still got a fever, bud. Because I'm lost during this conversation. You never went to the doctor? Dude, I broke my leg and never went to the doctor. You know me, we've done this. Like, that's why the legs up in the first place. Dude, you have to go to the doctor sometimes. I would like to. When's the last time you've been to a doctor? It's. It's been a minute. Okay. It's been a minute. How many minutes? How many years? Two. Okay. Yeah, it's not that bad. What did they say last time you were there? Come back more often. It's just like. It got into a question about with the leg. They. They told me they had to break it again and put pins in it to make it right again. And I. I couldn't take off time to do that. And then I just. Eventually I just got used to it. And then I was just like, you know what I don't want to do? Take off time from what? I want to do this. So I do this. What'd you say, Ian? Take off time from what? Take off time from what? I was a mechanic. Oh, yeah? What are you now? Nothing. How do you make money? I have my ways. When you say ways, do you mean W, E, I, G, H, S? Yes. Okay. Some people like some very specific videos and. No, just look it up. Look it up. I'm with you. Look his up. Hey, don't look up. Johnny. Sepsis. Red Van. We're friends. Red Van. Come on, buddy. Have we. Have we weighed you before on this show? Please don't. I just started to diet. I'm not ready to kill myself. Do you remember what you weighed last time? You remember what you weighed? What was it? 4:30. 4:30. Yeah. Can we bring this scale out here real quick? It's gonna be bad. I know. That's why I'm excited right now. Skinniest girl ever Brings the lovely Heidi is setting up the scale right now. Here we go. J.P. hinsdale. Heidi, you got eyes on that? Can you give me a read? Lean on him. What is it? £445.4. Yeah. J.P. yeah. What the. Dude, what are you doing? We need to save your life right now. I know. I don't know. I'm trying. Yeah. Okay. Jay, the last. Yeah, thanks, man. Jp, the last two times you've been on, you've had really depressed missing material. Like, that's not normal that you used to have. Are you going through, like, depression, like, hardcore? Like, Red Band? Have you been paying attention? No. I know, but anything that's been happening ever have, like, medication for it and, like, you've Gotten. No. What are you talking. That's the worst question. Literally the whole set and interviews weren't like this or is other material. It could be seasonal depression. Yeah, yeah. It has to either be. Is there a doctor in here that might want to take this case? Is there a doctor in the house? Clap your hands if you're an actual doctor. Is that an actual doctor or just some dumb bitch clapping for no reason? Yeah, there you go. I used to talk to my therapist every other week, but I lost the coverage I did have. Don't. Don't lose too much weight because I'll tell you, and this is true for everybody here, the fatter your head, the smaller your ears. Look, look, that's great advice. It is. Thank you. And everybody's great little ears. Doesn't he, though? Yeah, because as we get older, your ears keep growing. That's why you see old people with big ass ears, big noses. Because the cartilage in your ears and in your nose, they keep growing. This is. This is such a great advice. Too much. I really appreciate it. You're like the grandpa that used to drink in front of me. Thank you. Let's check in with the great Ian bag. Apparently there is a doctor here. Dr. Holtzman. Dr. Holtzman. Doctor. Your ear is small. You have such an. For you. You have such an adorable giggle. Thank you. It's going to play so well in the In Memoriam video, though. Yeah, not the first to say that. Well, I. I bet that's not a good sign this month. Still here. Okay, that wasn't funny. I'm sorry. That was. That was me. I'm sorry. Oh, this is bad. Like, enjoy that, everybody. Come on. All right. Yeah, There we go. Okay, J.P. well, let me just tell you that use the code SPACE80 at Talk Space. Without a doubt, go to talkspace.com. tony, enter promo code SPACE80. And you, my friend, can literally get $80 off your first month. We love talk space, man. Yeah, we love talk space. And you should, too. I'm glad I was here for this. You really touched me with your targeted ads. Thank you. J.P. hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Put them. Put the mic back where you found it there, J.P. it's the least you could do there. All right. I guess that's not really the spot, but okay. Guess that's just how he lives life. Just. Well, you guys ready for one last bucket pull, huh? All right, we'll make it quick. Make some noise for Isaac Butterfield, everybody. Isaac Butterfield. Here he is. G', day, Austin. How are you? Fantastic to be here. I tell you what, I'm learning a lot about this beautiful city. It's fantastic. It's gorgeous. I was walking down 6th Street, I saw a lady on her back and I saw her pussy. That was fantastic. Wonderful to see. I tell you what though, she was like the full legs spread. I felt like I was in Dallas. It was an interesting pussy. It looked like JFK's exit wound. It was full on. It was. No, it was. It was crazy. There was a big old flap going over a Waymo. I saw Jackie Kennedy chasing. It was fantastic. Wonderful, Great. Although I've been hearing some. I know this is a very progressive town. Sir, with your pink hair. Fantastic. Good stuff. Very progressive. I saw that Barbie recently released a Down syndrome Barbie doll, which is very, very interesting. There was a lot of other Barbie dolls as well. There was a black Barbie doll, there was an Asian Barbie doll, There was a Barbie doll in a wheelchair. That was a cross promotion with Hot Wheels, which is interesting. But the down syndrome Barbie doll was my favorite. It had this. It was expensive. I wouldn't buy it personally. Just put the regular Barbie doll in the microwave for 25 seconds, you get the same result. That's my thinking. Hello, Brian. How are you? You're well, sir? You're going. Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Isaac. Good to see you, sir. First time on the show? Correct. Thank you. How are you? First time here? Yes. First time on Kill, Tony. It's great to be here. From what I hear backstage, you guys have been a fucking fantastic crowd. So good on you. Look at you. Look at you. Trying to get them on your. What, are you running for governor or something? Hello, Isaac. Do you live here in America? I do not. I'm from Australia. Oh, okay. From. Yeah, from Newcastle, so. Kangaroo, echidna, etc. There you go. Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? 11 years. 11 years. Quite a while. Yeah. How long have you been in Austin for? About a week and a half. So it's good. I'm never coming back in summer. This is atrocious. Jesus Christ. It is a warmer out. So this is your second time signing up for the show? Yeah, I was here last week and Tony always talks about On Kill Tony, about the amount of people that sign up, but there is a huge amount of people next door and it's. Yeah, it's an incredible thing that you and Brian have done. So congratulations to you too. Thank you very much. Not cock too much. Thank you. It's good to be here. Go Ahead, Brian. He's in. Why don't you just suck everybody off up here? Suck the blind guy off, too. No. D Madness. Famously, the most homophobic person on this stage literally just said no. Isaac, what do you do for work? I'm a comedian, so. I'm a comedian from Australia and tour and all that type of stuff. I make YouTube videos as well, so, Yeah, I love it. Tell us something crazy about your life. I have paroxysmal dyskinesia. Big fan. Yeah. Which is a movement disorder where I lose control of my head and my neck and I go blind in my left eye. So. Crikey fucking. How dare you, Brian. How dare you? So, wait, when does this happen? How often does this happen? Rarely. But my biggest fear is it happening on stage. So I actually wink, wink quite a bit when I'm on stage. It's like a nervous. That's crazy, because I noticed that. I thought you just winked at D Madness after he said no, and I thought you were trying to be funny, but now that you mention it, I see you just wink a lot with your left eye. I do. I do. It's very weird when you say you lose control of your head and neck. Can you, like, do an act out of kind of what it looks like? Like, what happens when you have. I. I would be honored, basically. Yeah. Turn the lights up. That'll fine. I basically imagine trying to look behind yourself to see what's there. That's it. Like that. And I go blind in my left eye, which is awesome. So bright lights aren't great for me, which is just fucking. But it's okay. So it hasn't happened on stage yet, but there is time, and that would be great for views. Absolutely. No doubt about it. You got nothing going on compared to the last guy. Yeah, Exactly. Good luck with your blindness. You should talk to him afterwards. I could tell you had it better than the last guy when you said your diagnosis. Yeah, he had an actual name of anything, just like. It was an infection, Tony. It was an infection. I don't know. It was an infection. An infection. Diabetes causes blindness eventually, right? What does? Diabetes. Well, yeah, that, too, yeah. You saw him. He was gone back there. I had to stand up like that to let him get past me. But that's allegedly. I don't know if it happened or not. It's hell, yeah. Isaac, you have a wife? Girlfriend. Oh, Holtzman. You know, I thought you were winking at me, and now I know it's a medical problem. I'm kind of disappointed, you know? You like you've sucked a clown off. He does look. That is it. You nailed it. You got him. I love your work in Soldier. Fuck yourself. You have a wife, a girlfriend? I have a beautiful wife, Claire, and my son Atticus, we're touring America at the moment doing shows and so he gets to see the world. He's been. How old's Atticus? He is two and a half. First time he came to America, he was five months old. And we got off the plane in Austin, he had his little fan on and. And he's a great man. He finds farts hilarious and he's just a. He's an absolute legend. Did you sign up for the show that last time you came to Austin? No, I didn't. No, No, I. I was. I was too scared, Tony. Okay. Because not to be a fucking hero, but I. I usually do longer sets, so a minute really scares me. And. Yeah, again, Holtzman killing with no microphone necessary. Just the first four. 2. Just the first four rows cracking up and the whole table. Who cares about the millions watching around the world? Again, the senior veteran professional on stage, Brian Holtzman, the Destroyer. No audio necessary. I love it. Isaac, what does your wife do? She is unemployed. She's a stay at home mom. She's a failure. She's a whore. She's. She. No, she is a whore. She. But she's a good whore and she's got a lot of heart and no good woman. How long are you in town for, Isaac? I'm here until Wednesday and then we're going to la to the Hollywood Improv, if you're around. And then into New York as well. Okay. Everywhere. I finally got a visa. That is the hardest thing I've ever done. Getting a visa into America is ridiculous. What did you have to do to get it? I had to prove I was an alien of extraordinary ability. I had to show them articles about myself and all of those articles say I'm a piece of shit. So that was tough, but basically it costs you a lot of money and you have to. Yeah. Prove to the people that you're a legit human being and. And that's what I had to do. And show that I was a comedian, et cetera, et cetera. But we're here. We finally got here. You made it. You won't have to be looking over your shoulder anymore. It's great to be here. And I got to do the most American thing today. I got to shoot an AK47, so. Whoa. Amazing. Nothing better than a winky, twitchy guy shooting an AK47 I like the most American thing is shooting a Russian gun. Yeah, it's very fair. Isaac, you're super likable, super cool. Great stuff. Here's a big joke book. Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. And that is it for the bucketfuls. Ladies and gentlemen. We have come to that part of the show where normally there's only one man that can do it. But that man, William Montgomery, unfortunately is not here tonight. It is correct, the rare night off for old Billy McGumballs, the old Memphis strangler, the vanilla gorilla is not here. And normally in that kind of situation we would have the cold blooded Estonian assassin and fill in for him. But again, unfortunately all my stars are far away in the galaxy on this night. Except for one. I had to really pull some strings to make this happen. I hope that it excites you as much as it excites me. As I bring to the stage who I believe is the next big superstar star of the Kill Tony universe. Fresh off of his first ever weekend opening for me. And I was very curious of how it was going to go. I've been doing this 18 years. He blew my mind on the road doing these longer sets. And I present to you. Pure thunderbolt of momentum on a one way trajectory of wild success. This is only the third ever appearance by the one and only Timmy. No. Briggs. What the fuck was that? All right. William isn't here, so he sent me his jokes. Just gonna go through them. Elon Musk said in an interview this week that AI will replace Mexicans by 2028. To which Mexicans said ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Okay, good job, William. This one just says Tony moving forward. Can I go by Clifford the big red angry retard? Okay, I think that might have been an interview thing. I don't fucking know. Okay. Vietnam invaded Italy this week. When asked why, they said fuuget about it. I think that needs. I think that needs work, William. Conservative activist Charlie Kirk. Nope. Let's redban. If you play the bear, I'm gonna titty fuck you. All right? Nash's perseverance robot. My hands are shaking because I'm going through pussy withdrawal right now. I haven't fucked in like two hours. It just. Honestly, this just says the N word a bunch of times. Let's just wrap it up right there. All right, thank you, William. Boom. A minute, 25 seconds of the newest Thunderbolt. Timmy. No breaks, all gas, no brakes, non stop. So fun on the road, at home, anywhere you can Find him. He's a blast. Yeah. New jacket I noticed tonight, Timmy, no brakes. This is a whole different version. You're not Ron, Tone. You didn't mention David Lucas was on the road with us. Yeah, and that guy sat on my leather jacket. It exploded, and he gave me his leather jacket and. Just kidding. This is too small. But, yeah, fun times on the road, Tone. It was unbelievable. I don't want to give anything away, but, oh, my God, you are so different. It's so bizarre and fun and different. There's no other way to describe it. You don't even think like other comedians do. Yeah, thanks. That's a nice thing to say, Tom. That's really, really nice. Thank you. Thank you. He was right. This looks like a clown. It's unbelievable, right? That's crazy. It's like Adolf Hitler became a magician. What the. It is. It looks like. It looks like he got splashed by one of those people protesting oil or something like that. A little bit. A little bit yourself. I'll take it, grandpa. That was good. Timmy, no breaks. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. This check jacket. I'm taking it. You want this, Michael? All right. Michael's going to disappear in that jacket. Love him. It is unbelievable how tiny. Big Mike Gonzalez is coming fresh off of a victory. Oh, my God. Look at him. He's just lost in his sleeve. Oh, my God. That is adorable. You look like one of those. Just like David Luke, you look like a little Eskimo over there. Timmy, no breaks. Tell us, what have you been doing lately for fun? You're always up to, you know, some real ruckus. Yeah. Just being. Just plowing through push and. I mean, it was great to be on the road with you. That was really fun. You and David. We got up to crazy stuff. I love seeing your routine, you know, like, kind of like what you do after the shows. Like that thing you did when you. So, like, after every show, he smokes cigarettes, he has some drinks, and then he does his thing where he has a bunch of 17 year olds that are about to turn 18 at midnight just line up outside of his hotel room and. And then he fucks him one by one, and it's good. I thought that was pretty creative and, like, cool and, like, whatever, you know? So that was fun. It's been good to get to know you. Yeah, that was good. Fresh. What was that? What. What the did you just say? Yeah, what the do you just say, Dumbass? Dumbass. I'm trying to do William. Trying to. William, you Shut the up, Timmy. I gotta tell you, you know, for someone who's there's this place is in chaos. I mean, this is what you create. It's all always a ruckus. I, I, and I'm sure millions of people are watching around the world right now. And I mean, you are that guy right now. You are the fastest rising stock in the show. Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell perhaps a young comic out there who might be thinking about chasing their dreams. Why don't you have your moment and tell them? Are you trying to me right now? What's going on? No, I'm trying to have you. Okay, well, first of all, put subtitles on everything throughout the entire episode, so you have to do that red band. But William did give me a list. It was Epstein's list, so I was just gonna. I don't know, I could read that maybe. Yeah, you want the lights or the music a certain way? Whatever, you know, do your thing, Timmy. Yeah, whatever you do for William is good. If you're trying to be a comedian and that's your dream, fucking quit. You're never gonna make it. Okay, let's see how this goes. All right. Britney Spears. Oh. Christina Aguilera. Raven Shimone. That's actually so Raven. The cast of Nickelodeon's all that. Oh, that's actually the Victimless. That's fucking weird. Yeah, my bad. It just says on the. It says d madness times 500. I don't. To be fair, they probably sounded 19, you know? Am I right? Am I right, Timmy? Always going to for that fist bump with D Madness. I think. I don't think he has. Is he like, blind or something? He is. He's blind. Okay. Oh, Jesus Christ. We call him Timmy. No eyes. Whoa. Okay. If you could have seen what I saw. Whoa. Timmy, any parting words? Anything you want to tell the people watching around the world? Fucking fuck you. You did a big. You've been doing a lot of headlining gigs. You did a big jazz club. Yeah, I did a huge jazz club. It was. I think it was a 50,000 seater or something. Sioux Falls. I don't know if you guys have been there. It's like South Dakota. Whatever. Big show. Yeah, Big line out the front and. Yeah. Just gave it my all and they said it was good. I think the New York Times was there. They did an op ed. I think vulture.com was there. They did an op Ed. Yeah. I think Redband's mom was there. She did a fucking op Ed on my fucking car. Timmy no break. Ladies and gentlemen has done it again. The future has arrived. This episode brought to you by BlueChew, Zip Recruiter and Spotify. One more time for Timmy no breaks. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in. It is incredible. It is Holtzman Inan bag, ladies and gentlemen. Go to ianbag.com he is on tour. I swear to God, if you see him live, your mind will be blown. Truly one of the best comedians out there. He has the Husky Boys podcast available everywhere. And Brian Holtzman as always has brought visual plug. On Facebook he's Brian Holtzman on YouTube he's Brian Holtzman now, I guess. Oh, I see. Okay. It is two sided and on Instagram he's at Brian Holtzman. He prints these up and laminates them. Instead of just telling me and me writing them down, he actually brings them. Was brought Brian Holtzman. Not available on YouTube. You needed Brian Holtzman now. Yeah. How about one more time for. Yeah. Ian, thanks for having us, man. Thank you. This is a great show. Thank you for having us. Husky boys podcast ianbag.com that's Ian I A N B A G, G Double G. And Brian Holtzman does the late show every Thursday day in the fat man, 10pm so technically you could go to Red band secret show. Double up. Come see Holtzman in the Fat man for a perfect five, six hours of standup comedy on a Thursday night. If you find yourself in Austin, Texas and life is good, I'm going to be doing some standup. Check out my dates@tony hinchcliff.com. red band. Check out my fake band cap. Red 7 new video VCR on YouTube right now. That is AI music, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most. I write the lyrics and make the beats. Amazing, unbelievable stuff. It is incredible. He plugs in the words and I write lyrics and upload beats and have AI sing it for me. How do you make the beats on Fruity Loops and GarageBand. Wow. It's getting unbelievable. The musician Brian Redband has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Bluetooth, ZipRecruiter, Shopify, everybody. Live audience, we love you. We'll see you again next week. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Limu Emu and Doug. Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings vary unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts Experian is your big financial friend, helping you explore credit card offers with confidence. 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