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Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman Cody Ladd from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hitchco. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian Red band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa on the horns, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Yes. Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. That is D Madness live in the flesh. And how about one more time joining us tonight. How exciting is this? The great and powerful Zac Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. It is happening. Love and Fear at the stage. Fear in Las Vegas set for December 2025 and January 2026. And the new album Love and Fear releases night one of their Sphere performances. That's Friday, December 5th. One more time for Zack Brown, ladies and gentlemen, joining us all night. We're going to have some fun. Welcome to the chaos, Zach. I love it. We're going to have a blast tonight, people. This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you. How many of you have been fans for a long time? Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas. Make some noise if you live some somewhere else. And flew in because we were able to get tickets to this show. Unbelievable. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by BlueChew. You know I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Bluechew and it's not just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk. Discover your options@bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As Always, get your first month of BlueChew for eight. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Go to BlueChew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legendary nights. From backyard jams to sold out arenas, there's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly. Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee. Finally, in your wellness era, then you know gut health is gut wealth. And with 20 years of science behind it, Activia can help keep those good gut vibes going. Deliciously smooth and creamy Activia probiotic yogurts and dailies have billions of live and active probiotics and help support gut health while you go about your day. Your gut is where it all begins. So start with Activia. Enjoying Activia twice a day for two weeks as part of a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle can help reduce the frequency of minor digestive discomfort. Who's ready to start tonight's episode? Huh? Wow. I mean, we got an episode sponsored by Talk space. We got Zach Brown. We got the best stand band in the land every single week. I book two of the funniest people in the world this week. Holy shit. Top tippity tippity top. As good as it fucking gets. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino and Jimmy Carr. Yes. Andrew motherfucking Santino is back. Jimmy Carr, one of the front runners for guests of the year. Jimmy Carr is back. Santino is back. White noise is on Hulu. He's on Tour. Andrew Santino.com Jimmy Carr, one of the nominees. 2025 guest of the year is back. Stiff competition. Rob Schneider, Carrot top. You, James McCann. It's fucking crazy runnings. And you are back and in it looking better than ever. Me and you, often confused for two ventriloquist dummies. And here we are, working together, working together. It's Goosebumps meets Toy Story. Welcome back, Jimmy. Jimmycar.com, he's on tour all over the world. Aussie, New Zealand, the entire world. Jimmycarr.com how you doing, Jimmy? I'm having a great time. Very, very pleased to be here. Kind of excited about this. Yes, me too. Nice to be. Nice to be helping young talent. Absolutely. Andrew Santino. It has been way too long of a goddamn time. It's been a long time. It's good to be back. Hello, mothership. Great to be here together. Eighteen years ago, we were doing stand up together all over Los Angeles. We started together. Yeah, back when you were in your 50s. Hey. Hey, you. This you walking mummy. All right, Shoot at me, James. Oh, a little chemistry here. She started. Shit. It's a little salt and cinnamon over here. Hello. Don't. And yeah. So, Andrew, it's been so long that you've been on the show that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get into tonight's bucket. It is absolutely incredible. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. We have some fun. We find out more about them. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. I'm going to let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've ever seen in my entire life. You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player. I mean, look at the lack of color on these people. It is incredible. I think they might be ghosts. Yeah. This is crazy. Is it? Are you a couple? Yeah. That's unfortunate. You guys make a baby. It's just gonna look like a cup of cum. Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight. Yeah, but if you come on her tits, does it just look like nothing? Yeah. Let's try see it. I want to see your ghost come, dude. All right, we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. We're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner. While we go wrangle that come right. This is the ghost come episode of Kill Tony. While we go wrangle that bucket, pull from the bar next door as that person finds out that their life has changed and they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy. We're gonna bring out a golden ticket winner to start off with a brand new minute. Really, One of the most neurotic young comedians coming up. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody. Here we go. I got roadhead. I did it. And that should be illegal. No one should ever have roadhead ever. It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked while driving. It is horrifying. And if you ever are offering someone roadhead, don't offer them roadhead, because we can't say no to that. It's like offering a coke addict cocaine. It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow. And that's a pun. So, you know, it was happening for me, and we were driving, and it was fantastic. But I'm panicking because that's what happens when you get roadheaded. Cause people can see you while you're driving, dude. So you're just sitting there fucking trying to make like you're just driving. And we were driving, and there was a UPS driver who pulled up next to us. And, you know they have the big mail trucks, dude. And I'm panicking, and I look over at him, and he's looking at me and he goes. And that's when I learned I come from positive affirmation. No, no, no, don't. Stop. Stop. Please stop clapping. Stop. No. By God. He's coming, ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna cut you off right there, Jack. Welcome, welcome. That was great. Jimmy, can I ask where your mother was driving you? No, you cannot, Jack. That was fun. That type of bit plays right into your awkward nervous neurosis. What are you talking about? I'm like a cool guy. I'm like a cool guy. Yeah, go ahead, Andrew. Yeah, this is. Trump was right. Tylenol during pregnancy. Trump was fucking right on the money, dude. This is bad. It's getting really bad bits. Amazing. Totally relatable to people that have had roadhead before. Where was this? Oh, I was on the way back from Yosemite. We were on a big mountain, and I think because we were on a big mountain, she was like, oh, suck your dick. Wow. It's like, yeah, amazing. Have you ever had Roadhead? Yes. I'll ask you the question. What kind of car were you driving when getting this Roadhead? I was driving my Fiat. Oh, my God. It's a tiny little car. Oh, it's a tiny car. It's a tiny car. Wow. Yeah, Jimmy, it was cramped. All right. Are you a cartoon? You have a very cartoon vibe. Oh, okay. I mean, I love it. Okay. But you don't feel like a real boy. Have you seen your face? It is. It is. Like, that's totally fair. Actually pretty reasonable. Yeah. Yeah. It's so scary. Jake and Jimmy, the issue, the laugh suits you. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Where did you start laughing like that? I've always had, like, an innie laugh. A weird innie. I've got a theory on it. I Think I must have rubbed a magic lamp. At some point, a magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes. And there must have been a mix up, but lost something. Lost in translation. Now, instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one. Tony, you stay quiet over there. It's just me and Jimmy now. Okay? Okay, never mind. All right, Very funny. Sorry. I thought that was going to be so funny. I think I'm being groomed. Yeah, you're being reverse groomed. Yeah, my bad. The pedophile has become the rubber. Oh, wait, no, I said that wrong. The victim has become the pedophile. There it is. Could have been better the first time, but. All right, Jack, what else is going on in life? Everything good? I haven't. You know, I've been. I've been trying to find ways to deal with my anxiety, and I've been nervous to talk about this, but I've. And people in my life don't know about this, but I've been. I've found a way to deal with it, and I've been. I've been jazz scatting. Okay, let's. You want to do a little jazz scatting for the. I was thinking. I was thinking I could. I think I could jazz scat a little bit. Okay. Just. Jack's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about five minutes. He is literally at 4 minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now, and I can just feel it creeping on. Like, I kind of get sick of him. He's always great for a minute. Here he is, jazz scatting. It's Jack Shaw, everybody. Wow. Unbelievably stupid. We're gonna check in with our senior music correspondent tonight, Zach Brown. What did you think about that jazz scatting that you just heard right there? I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Perfect. Yes. I think we all did. There's a. We all had a lot. I feel like I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell. Yeah, it is true. He does have those creepy vibes. Andrew Santino. Yeah. Once again, the Jews stealing black art live. Yeah. Once again. Dude, it is amazing. He's afraid of that, but I have jazz in my heart and come in my pants, so that's okay. Sorry. Wow. All right. All right. Well, you got tonight started for us. You showed everybody how it goes. Jack Shaw, ladies. You guys. So much. And it has begun. Everybody, to the bucket we go. This is the bread and butter of the show where truly anything can happen. We meet people Together. Sometimes it's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming an arena actor on snl. Anything can happen. We're finding the next talent. Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily. And it turns out life hits hard. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy. Y' all good? Hell, yeah, man. So I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months and saw on the news, the reporter said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle, and one of them stabbed the other and murdered him. And that shit made me Sad. Cause, like, 40 years of being on this earth, and I ain't know what kerfuffle meant. I was looking up, where's Kerfuffle? Texas. On Google and shit. Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool, but my grandparents celebrated. They were 60 years together before they passed away. And I asked her, like, what's your secret for a long relationship like that. My grandmother was like, don't worry, it's not going to happen for you. And I'm like, damn, why not? And she was like, because we've known each other since we were children. And I'm like, that's beautiful. Like, how did y' all even know each other since y' all were kids? And she was like, because we're cousins, so it's true. We're not. I will never achieve what they achieved because I broke up with my cousin years ago. Marvin Izzy. All right. Hell, yeah. Welcome back to the show, Marvin. I remember you. You've been on before. Yes, sir. How's it going? It's been going great, man. I've been out here living in Austin for nine months in a team. Beautiful out here, man. I love it. Right, well, how do you make money, Marvin? So I. Very good question. I have a day job. I mean, I work for this factory company. Just doing assembly work and shit. Just handle the inventory. That's right. What are you putting together in the factory? Just computer parts and stuff. Really can't say too much about it. They made me sign, like, NDAs and. Oh, perfect. Well, then you've already said too much. Yeah, I love it. Marvin, what have you been doing for fun in life other than what you've been doing? A lot of open mics? Yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff. You know, sign up for the mothership every Monday. Sign up here every Monday, and, like, Creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out To. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up? Honestly, I just like to chill in my crib, like, you know. Just chill in your crib? Yeah, just chill in my house, you know? We are like peas in a pot. Yeah, I love to chill in my crib. Indeed you do. I feel like. Is there. Is there a drug assist going on here? Weed. Oh, weed. You're not counting that as a. Yes, that's it. Drugs. No sense. What do you do when you're chilling at the crib? What exactly do you do? I like to, like, have a little drink, sit on my little patio area. Just look at the stars and shit. Look at the stars. Look at you entertain. I love this guy. I think you're a fucking beautiful human being because you came out with, like, that, yo, yo, deaf. What up? And then now we talk and you're like, well, I like to sit on the patio. You're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom. I fucking. I like you, dude. I am actually polite, you know? Yeah. But I am from the hood. Like, where you are from? Where you from? I'm originally from Bronx, New York. Okay. What's the craziest thing you ever saw in the streets of the Bronx? Oh, shit. I seen a dude get stabbed over a Heineken bottle. Oh, my God. That's called. They call that a kerfuffle. Yeah, yeah. Little. Indeed they do. Little Puerto Rican payback right there. It's like Freaky Friday. He's being me. Amazing. What did you do when you saw that? Did you try to help the stabbing victim? No, I just screamed. Oh. In shock. And I lived. Right. It happened right across the street from a police station and. Oh, like that. Oh, like. Oh, you know. Is that how you said it? Yeah, yeah, something like that. Like. Oh, shit, you know, like, that's the type of blood that was poured. Pouring out of the innocent victim. It was typo. Yeah, typo. Here. Why'd I do that? Way to help him. Yeah. No. And then there was a police station right across the street. So we looked at them, was like, yo, come help. And they told us to call 91 1. Yeah. It's a bureaucracy. You have to go to this. An order of events there. You can't just wave at the police. Yeah, silly. I. I got. I got genuine feedback, if that appropriate. Let's do it. You're adorable when you smile. Like, you've got a really lovely smile. Thank you. And yet you came out and you were very kind that it was quite a Harsh kind of tough guy thing. I think laughing a little bit would be good with your set. I think I was just more focused on it because, you know, my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now. Definitely not. I remember terrible. But I like it when he giggles. It's true. It's kind of funny. Jim means got a point. You can be focused and smile at the same time. Thanks for saying that. Oh, okie dokie. You do your own thing. I'm sorry. All right, sorry. There we go. It's very someone compliments, like my giggle and stuff because someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican Crusty the Clown. So I thank you. I'm sorry. As you were saying? I'm sorry. Oh, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. Really, thank you. Wow, what an opportunity you've given me. I'm so glad you pulled me out of your fucking bucket tonight so that I can talk on your show. Thank you. What is this tattoo on your farm? What does that say? This is my daughter's name. It says Layla. That says Layla. Can we get a close up on that? Because that does not say Layla. What language is that? It's calligraphy. And I guess an apprentice did or something. I did it when I was like 18 or some shit. So 1 say Layla. Now, you know I did, you see. Stabbed the tattoo artist with a Heineken bottle after that. No, no, I didn't get into any kerfuffles with him. All right. Leila. Yeah? Like the Clapton song. What song? Yeah, yeah. Cultured. Yeah. You don't know Le Lea Got Me on My Knees? Lea, you don't know that song? No, I really don't. It's kind of like if Bad Bunny, like, slowed it down and had rhythm. I don't listen to Bad Bunny either. I didn't know you couldn't sing every time you've been on. You had a little joke book. Yeah, and I actually wanted to ask a weird thing. I wanted to trade in my little joke book and I wanted to see if you guys. Somebody here wanted to do something cool. Oh, boy. It's really your moment, huh? Jesus Christ. Holy, bro. I said I'm prepared for this more than you did for the minute. Took you 35 seconds to get to the kerfuffle punchline, but here you are. Well, I'd like to stop and I'd like to do something special. What, are you accepting a fucking Emmy award right now? I think he's gonna try and fuck Tony. Yeah, I think so. Wants to shove the joke book. Up my ass. What's going on? So this will be the second time that I'm doing this. I'm gonna cut my hair off and donate it for, you know, children to get wigs made out of. Wow. So I wanted to know, some kid with cancer out there is going to have a greasy ponytail. Cut it off. Oh, okay, great. Wait, what? Andrew is going to cut off the tail here. I don't want to fucking look at it anymore. I was trying to sneak a pair of scissors in here. I hope you all do. I can't bring any. You got a knife? This guy's got a crazy knife. Wait a second. What are we doing here? Oh, my God. This is how it all ends, everybody. Man. Man. Stabbed with Zach Brown's knife. Kill Tony. Zach Brown. We're all getting canceled at the same time. Joe Rogan's insurance is like. Oh, my God. Wow. Unbelievable. All right. That is a fucking knife. That is a powerful knife. This is great. You can add hairdressing to your resume. It's incredible. Just trying to follow in your footsteps, dad. It's incredible. Beautiful. This is very healthy hair as well. Why is it still in your hand? Yeah, well, I realize if I put it down, it will go away. Oh, it's so disgusting. Put that away from us, please. Hand it to. No, no, no, no, no. It's where the cancer came. It's almost October. What do you guys want? What do you want? You hold it. I want to trade this. Give it to that guy. You want to what? I want to trade us in. What the are we gonna do with that, you psycho? You spent too much staring at the stars. You keep your little joke book, all right? Keep your little joke book. And you've moved up to a medium joke book. There you go. And the show has begun with Marvin. Izzy. Fucking. There's something disgusting to me about that hair. Get out of here, Marvin. Go. Jesus fucking. Just one more thing. I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. Nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair. Better than the beautiful Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen, heidi regina.com. her new website site. She has a new podcast with the great Valerie. There's dandruff all over this table. Very good. Red band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big dandruff line in there. Everyone. If you look back at the video, he's waiting. He's got the mic up to his mouth to say, there's dandruff. Stop being polite. I'll Stop being polite. Polite? That is a compliment. It's not dandruff. It's actual hair. There is small pieces of hair. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by BlueChew. You know I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on bluechew. And it's not just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Red Man, Tony. I love eating me some Blue Chew. They're providing the best ed treatment out there. I can carry my Encyclopedia Britannica everywhere I go. If you catch my drink. Whoa. Wow. That's crazy. Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about legacy. Or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little bluechew. Discover your options@bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChew for rate. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Go to BlueChew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. The holidays are upon us and businesses are hiring for seasonal roles. Everything from haunted corn maze workers to lead elves and real bearded Santas to snowplow drivers. This means that people with certain skills, experience, or even a special license are in high demand and not easy to find. Whether you're hiring for one of these roles or any other role, the best way to find your perfect match and your role is on Zip Recruiter. And right now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony. Tony. I love ZipRecruiter. It's the best hiring site out there. You can find out right away how many job seekers are in your area that are qualified for your role. With ZipRecruiter's advanced resume database, you can instantly unlock top candidates contact info. No wonder ZipRecruiter is number one rating height hiring site based on G2. Let ZipRecruiter find the right people for your roles, seasonal or otherwise. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality Canada within the first day. And right now, you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Kiltoni Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com Kiltoni Zip Recruiter the smartest way to hire. You guys ready for your next bucket pool? You get it? Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds, it's Justin Tamayo, everybody. Justin Tamayo. So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands, and when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, if you look just right out there, you can see Epstein's Island. What the fuck? He looked over at his wife. What the fuck? He said, yeah, if you go on the beach, you grab a seashell, you can hear a kid cry. Yeah, it's fucked up. Y' all laughed at that, but that's. Yeah. Sorry. You got any single people here? Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Doing that online dating, or what I call. I keep getting tricked by fat girls. The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones. Cause, no, that is not the threesome I want to have. All right. I'm Justin Tamayo. Thank you, guys. Justin Tamayo, everybody. Welcome. Justin, is this your first time on the show? Absolutely, man. I love it. How long you been doing stand up? About two and a half and some change. Where at? Just local. Austin. Anderson Mill Pub. Gotta love that. The open mic. You can get on there, and it's. It's the hardest, so. Wow. Amazing. I have. I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson Pub. I know somebody so hard to do. Andrew Santino. I love your disdain for fat girls. I think that's great. I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women. I like that, dude. That's good. Especially because you're in such good shape. I like that you're like, fuck these fat girls, man. That's. That's cool. Yeah, them, dude. Right on. Good for you, dude. Rock and roll. How often are you getting tricked by fat girls? How often does this happen? It happens a lot, and I'm sure every guy here can attest to it. What's the trick that they're doing? No one. How do they. How do they trick you? What are they doing? Are they using filters on their pictures? It's the angles, man. It's the angles. The hair. They put the hair. And they got the. They put prompt the titties up there, and it's just every guy's like, yes, swipe. And then they're like, fuck. They see him. So you End up out on dates with these people and. No. No. And then what do you. What? How does it go? Do you end up finishing anyway because you're already committed? You. No, I mean, what do you do? Fake a stomachache and go home early? That's good. That's good, actually. It is good. No, so what I started doing was meeting him at Wendy's. And I do. Is that true what you're saying? I do a little drive by. Oh, man. This happens a lot. It did. It did. Are you sure you don't want anything? No. I mean, the worst thing, they get a Frosty out of it and everybody's happy. Right. Okay. But seriously, though, like, what's the limit? Like, when do you decide? Jimmy Carr. You want to jump in on this? Well, yeah. I mean, the fat shaming thing. I mean, if you're. Come on, lighten up. And do you not like a larger lady? There's more cushion for the pushing. That's something. Honestly, I have an air mattress topper, and if they're bigger than me, we just fold in there like a black hole. Just. Oh, this is an insecurity thing is what this is. No, I just want to be able to fuck, honestly. Oh, okay. I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole. Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man. Okay. It's hot out here. Solid advice, I would say. Solving for comfort, I see. I like the Epstein island thing, you know? Thank you. Yeah, it was good. It was good. How did you break your nose when you were younger? Fuck. I'm gonna guess it was a fat girl. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm gonna guess that there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's to go to their friends afterwards and go, yeah, this guy had a real crooked nose. It was weird. It was, like, staring at his face. It looked good in the pictures because of the angles, but then. But then when he was. When we were at Wendy's eating our baconators together with Red Ban across the restaurant from. I couldn't help but to notice that he had. His nose was crooked as all. It was all I could pay attention to and think of. It's a basketball accident or something. It's. I got to tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you got a crooked nose right now. Right now. You've never been told this before? Never. Oh, my God. You've never been photographed before? Must be the angle of your mirror, Man. Wait till he hears what happened to his mustache. What do you do for work Justin, this is. I'm a pool guy. Okay. Clean pool. Clean pools. All right. Fat girls, huh? Yeah. Catch some whales in that net with your little shark. Dark Finn knows, man. Yeah. Dude, it's crooked as a just. Yeah. So you're on the online dating apps. I'm not really an aficionado of such things, but how do you describe your body type? I'm, I'm finding out right now, probably wrong, and I should have put in the crooked nose part. Now crooked nose is the least of your worries. Is it? Oh, my. I'm talking more about the. What are you with? You like a B cup, right? Y. Think he has them pushed up a little bit tonight. What do you have in your bio on your dating app? Honestly, I, I, I don't online date anymore. Oh, that was an old joke. Oh, okay. Been cooking it and been loving getting roasted by you guys for it, so. It's great. I love it. Oh, you'll be all right. I'll be good. Yeah. We love. We still love you. Do you do any pool material? There's gotta be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools, right? Yeah, I mean, there's, There isn't. Like, I've been. How I've been diving into, like, where I write my jokes has been, like, piece by piece, and I haven't kind of got there yet. Honestly. Can I ask a question? Yes. Just on behalf of everyone. Is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool? No, no, that doesn't exist. That's. No, because I, I know sometimes I pee in the pool and that's not really an issue, but sometimes I pee into the pool. That's the problem. Get upset with that. Right. Of course, there's the splash. There's no chemical. So unless they catch you dick in hand. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. I have a poll question. I heard when you smell chlorine, I always thought, wow, they just changed the water or whatever. I heard that's what, that's the actual smell of pee in the pool when you smell it. That's the dead. I could answer that. The dead pee. Well, the dead chlorine that, that's made kills. Right. So that's Right. Well, I get, I mean, if you, if you're just peeing in your pool, that's all you got, then. Yeah. No, no smell of dead chlorine. That means it killed a pee. No, no, no, that's not what that means. I know. Well, this is. If I put chlorine. If you put chlorine in the pool, it smells like chlorine. Doesn't mean someone pissed. Chlorine smells like chlorine. That's what I thought. Piss smells like piss. I heard it. Somebody told me. I think you should write some science, Everybody. You got Anthony Fauci over here trying to. Trying to fudge the numbers. Our studies show that. Our studies show that if you smell chlorine, it's actually piss. By our own research, done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. All right, Justin, what is the craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool? Oh, I found two baby deers. Wow. I thought. Thank God you said deers because I just thought you were gonna end with two babies. It was gonna be the same thing. You just. Okay, how big were the deers? Was this around Christmas time? Was it perhaps. Well, no, it was just after, like, a gnarly rainstorm. So the pool got super high and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime. They just walked in there. The pool got high, right? Yeah, it got super. Like, the pool went above the level of the water. Yeah. Well, no, the water level kind of just went level and they couldn't tell it went level. Right. You know, like a pool. Right. So, okay, trying to reel off. Red Band's trying to prove to me that the smell of glory. He's asking AI and showing me. But the question he asked, ask is smell of chlorine is actually pee. When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like, well, yes, read it. The sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine, but rather chloramines, a product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen containing substances found in urine, sweat and other bodily fluids. High levels of these. Get your cigarette away from me. High levels of these chloramines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria. What does it say at the bottom there? No fat chits. Who wrote it is amazing. There's also a postmates order that's halfway filled. His shopping cart is filled. Justin Tamayo, Congratulations. You're leaving here. Also with a medium joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Justin Tamayo, ladies and gentlemen. Onto the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Battle Vasquez, everyone. Jesse Vasquez. Hello, everybody. What's going on? All right, well, kill Tony. Hi. All right. AR15. Bulletproof vest, pistol and bullets. What do we call those? School supplies. All Right, all right, all right. Thank you, thank you. All right. Speaking of shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently. I never met the guy, but I hear he's a real pain in the neck. Oh, I'm sorry, guys, I'm sorry. I figure if I bomb hard enough, Trump will tweet about it. All right, all right, all right. I get told I look like I'm gonna kill somebody a lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries. Who? I'm nervous as fuck, guys. Appreciate it. All right, all right, all right. I already said that. All right. How do you come on a senator? You filibuster nut on her? No. All right, all right. I'm thinking of having a not tying seminar for suicide survivors. Second time's a charm, right? No, too dark. All right, guys. All right, last thing, real quick. Most girls don't. They're stopping you there, Jesse. I'm gonna jump in too. Yeah, that's enough. Hi, Jesse. Have you ever done stand up before? Yes, I have. I'm nervous as Tony. Okay, why, why are you extra nervous right now? I'm on kill Tony. Right. I performed in front of maybe about 15 people is the most so far. Okay. How many times have you attempted standup comedy? You memorize none of your jokes. You're not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared. Like literally anybody could do what you just did. Yes, they can. Especially making fun of Charlie Clark. Most famous guy in the world right now. You got got his name 50. Correct. I it up. My bad. Yeah, you it all up, buddy. Yes, sir. That all up. So again, how long. How many times have you attempted stand up comedy? I've been in Austin for about two months. I'd say maybe twice a week so far. Twice a week? Yeah. Okay. Yes, sir. How's it been going? Do you always. It's pretty right off the paper like that. No, I don't. I just. I wrote it down. I. I knew I was in a blank soon as I got up here, man. What do you do? Take a guess. I bet you get on the first shot. I bet I don't delivery drivers. I do a delivery. I'm a delivery. I do doordash. Okay. I do security at ACL next month. How old are you? 36. And why is it that you're just delivering things? So what have you not gotten good at anything? Prison. Okay, let's talk about it. Why'd you go to prison? So now I'll engage. Yeah, finally. Yeah, obviously I went to prison. I'm pretty sure this is what you're good at talking about. Look how different his body language is. Okay, here we go. All right. Starts moving. The nervousness is gone. I feel like this is your thing. You're the prison guy. Tell us about it. Take it. Yeah, well, first time I went to prison a year and a half for weed. Okay, about 100 pounds of weed. And then the second, the second hundred pounds of weed, be there 100 pounds of wheat. That's a me's worth of weed. That's just one time. There's a 33 pounds and another time with 40 pounds. Oh, my goodness. You got 33 and 40, and that's 100. No, no, no, no. Three separate times, 133. You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates. And then the second time, I got caught. Well, it was a conspiracy. It was 57 illegals were transported. Keep going. Go ahead. I rented the guy the U Haul that took a bunch of illegals somewhere. You ran into the guy rented. You rented the guy the U Haul? I heard that U Haul had that business. Yes. Don't they rent the U Hauls? I rented it for him. You rented it for him through U Haul. Okay. And then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back. And then it sounds very much like you were the guy. Yeah, it really does. I don't want to give you a hot top. I got receipts. So how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them to run this extremely illegal operation? How much money did you. 1500 bucks. 1500 bucks. And how long did you do in jail? Three and a half years. Oh, hey, 1500 bucks worth it. It's like an iPhone. Yeah, yeah. Three and a half years. And those are the two times. Those are the only two times you've been to jail? To prison? Okay, I've been to jail lots of times. Okay, tell us about some of the times you've been to jail, got caught with small amount, smaller amounts of marijuana. Pretty much it. I mean, a lot of weed tickets. At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America? No. That must be an annoying. Very upset. But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps. Was it all in Texas, all these things? Yes, sir. Okay. Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is? Me? Yeah. See how he knows the terminology? He knows only prison. When you look at your face, I could tell the guys were like, jesse's gonna take the hit for sure. Oh, yeah. Like, this guy definitely gets busted 100. Yeah. Jesse, what was it like in prison? Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive. Would you make a little, like, quesadilla out of Doritos? Like crumbled up crumb cakes or something? It's funny that you say that, Tony. It happens a lot in there. I actually would just buy, like, I had my own store. Just buy and resell it with stamps. Stamps is money in prison, guys. Dollar stamps. Oh, okay, good. Yeah. So you walk around with a fat stack of stamps. Shove a bunch of stamps up my ass for. If I ever get sent to prison. Yeah. Stampos.com. i gotta say something. I said this to the. The other guy, too. Your material should be about prison. Yeah. I mean, everything that's such a wealth of, like, it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear. It'll be funny. Yeah, yeah. I want to know, like, did you. Were you. Were you a. Were you a guy? He was a. Well, I know I got kind of lucky that I'm not. I. He's a good looking guy, huh? Keep going, keep going. Keep answering your question. Go ahead. I feel like I just look scary. I get told I'm serious about that. Who? People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people. But why would you go say that to somebody? Yeah. No, it looks like it kind of makes you want to kill somebody, doesn't it? Exactly, yeah. Thank you. But you would never. People that have been to prison multiple times never do anything. Never. But, yeah, you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees. Without a doubt, the trunk open for just a moment, you see those eyes, and then it's just darkness. He's got a tattoo that says, please stop. Don't. I feel like you look at me, you don't know if I'm gonna fuck you or I'm gonna kill you. Either way, I'm coming. Yeah. Okay. Very good. See, there's a good one. All right, there you go. Jesse. I feel like it's a. It's definitely both. And it's what order. Oh, yeah. Well, I. Personally, I hope he kills me first. The other part of that is that he does whatever he's gonna do. I think we're all in agreement. You should write a set about being in prison. That's the interesting thing. No doubt about it. I will. The edgy jokes. You got to be so good at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy. Yes, sir. Don't do it until you're ready to do it. The squeeze has to be the juice. Has to be worth the squeeze, Right? Got it. You got nothing there. Leave that stuff alone. Just talk about you first person. Yeah, Hell, yeah. No doubt about it. Let me ask you this. Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison? No. No. With any close call? No. No. Okay, so did you just use your imagination and, like, masturbate? They're like, what did you do? Oh, they got plenty of. Well, so there's guys in there, okay. Jerking off to a stamp. George Washington, just like, oh, yeah. So, yeah, more like Babraham Lincoln. Am I right? This is dude's hot. It's. It's kind of neat because. So there's people that have been in there for a long time. I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born and just saying that because. Right, band, Come on. Anyway, he got to meet his dad. Yeah, there's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore, but they used to. So there's a lot of, like, 80s and 90s, like, you know, magazines like that. So you get little blasts from the past, you know. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Not the first time you've seen a hundred pounds of bush. Were you. Were you joke everybody? Were you bummed that you never got picked, that no one. I never got picked. I got picked on kill, Tony. I can't get picked. No bum that no one in prison wanted you. Well, you bummed well, did that kind of. It's like everybody wants it. You don't want to be, you know, I'll take what I can get. All right, well, good news. What you're getting is the size of a stamp. It's a little choke buck. There you go, buddy. If you only caught books as well as you catch charges. Yes. There he goes. Jesse Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. We're having fun. Some very compelling interviews by these bucket bulls. Not a big joke book yet. Hi, there. This podcast is sponsored by Nicked. Nicked is back, baby. They're our favorite pouches. And this time it's 100. Made in the USA. They rebuilt it from the ground up. Every single piece of it. All American sourced. These are higher quality, premium ingredients, people. And here's the difference. With Nicked, other brands are using wood pulp, but Nick uses a coconut fiber blend that actually feels and hits just right. They are on another level. Tony, guess what? I love Nicked. These pouches are so much better than any others I've tried. Nick has the best flavors and they last so much longer. Plus, these pouches don't hurt my gums like the other brands. That's right. You have weak little gums. Everybody knows it right now. Kill Tony listeners get get 35 off unlimited orders for up to six months. Where else will you find this kind of deal? Only@nickedpouches.com Tony with code Tony get 35 off@nykdpouches.com Tony nicked USA the pouches are back. Nicked products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Howdy. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When we were young, we used to dream of being anything. An astronaut, the president, a fireman, a professional donut maker. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, start dreaming of owning your own business, perhaps. Yeah, you'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. Thankfully, that's where today's great sponsor Shopify comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store to match your brand style. Tony, Shopify is the best. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools. Now you can accelerate your content creation. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create emails, social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling or bowling or perhaps rolling. Why my donuts? Whoa. Donut lover Brian Redband. Shopify is your commerce expert. So turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony but great interviews. Make some noise for your next one. It's Paul Ramirez, everybody. Bucket hole number four. So I just got told I look like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction. Hell yeah, dude. I suck the Pikachu from dick, you know? All right, that sucked. Hell yeah. I just graduated high school about a year ago today and I found out in the news that my old high school teacher, he got arrested for training A's in exchange for sex. Which wasn't news to me because I was a straight A student back in high school. He taught me a valuable lesson though. One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life you gotta give head to get ahead. You Know, high school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know, and my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings. My school came up with a program we'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school, you know, which benefited me because it made me Mr. Popular back in high school. I don't know whether I was gonna shoot up to school. I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know? Thank you. Paul Ramirez with his Kill Tony debut. How old are you, Paul? Scared. What? Scared. How old are you, Paul? Oh, my bad. 22. Hold on. What did you think I said? How are you? Oh, I love it. Okay, and you were in high school until you were 21? Why? How. How did this happen, Paul? Oh, no, I'm gay. All right. Okay. What did that have to do with it? I don't know, man. Okay? I ran out of things to say. It's okay, Paul. Just think of the real answers. You don't have to, like, have a joke prepared for everything. I'm trying too hard, so don't do that. Just answer. Answer honestly, Paul. You're doing good, buddy. Don't worry. You're panicking. I am. It's okay, Paul. Close your eyes, Paul. Yeah. Think. No, keep your eyes closed. Close your eyes, Paul. Close your eyes. Okay. Trust us. Remember who you are. Know who you are. You're Paul. You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes. They did pretty good, huh, Paul? Do you feel good? Yeah. Now open your eyes. Here we are, Paul. Welcome to Kill Tony. Yeah. Yeah. Paul Ramirez. Where are you from, Paul? El Paso. Okay. How long have you been in Austin? Two days. I love it. How long you staying for? I leave tomorrow. Okay. And what else have you. What else are your plans in Austin, or what have you done since being here? I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel room. Okay. Today? Is that today? Yeah. All right. How many beers did you have? Have like four. Oh, my goodness. Four beers? Yeah. Did you have any drinks at the bar next door? No, it's too expensive. Okay. It's like 20 bucks for two drinks. Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room? Oh, Circle K. Okay. How many beers did you buy? Four. I bought a 12 pack, but I split it between my friends. Okay. You're staying in a hotel with friends? Yeah. How many guys are in this hotel room? Oh, dude, like three and one girl. Wow. Amazing. Two beds? Yeah, I sleep on the floor. Okay. Wow. Kind of odd to be a gay Guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of dudes. Yeah, man, it's sick. I creep up on them at night. Hell, yeah. All right. That poor girl. Yeah, exactly. Nah, she just watches. All right, Paul. Like I said, that poor girl. What do you do for work in El Paso? Landscaping. I'm a spic. Wow. All right, Paul, close your eyes again. Dude. Good God. Take it easy, Paul. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wild boy Paul. Bad boy. Stand up. I hit four years yesterday. Wow. So you really did start when you were 18? Yeah. Okay, then you're just still doing the high school joke. Because that's the one you're used. Yeah, it's my best. Yeah. Okay. Everything else is. Yeah, I'm gonna get you. It is good. That joke is good. You like? Good. I think it was a good little run of joke. I'm being genuine. It was a great little. You had a good. You had a good. It was really good. It all tied together was very good. Thank you, man. Yeah, I like your too. Thank you. I think you're. No, this guy's the man. Yeah. I was gonna say I love your. Than your material is. You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, oh, I'm gay, or blah, blah, blah, blah. I got scared. My bad. Okay. It's all right. You're comfortable. Now. Take your hands out of your pockets. Relax a little bit. Paul, what's your family like? You have a big family. My mom's fat. Wow. Why do you think your mom's fat? What? We got a bucket pull for her. I'm sorry. Why do you think your mom's so fat? What is she. I saw her. Right. But. But why? What do you think she's doing? To be fat? Yeah. Did you. Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way. I bet something she eats or something like that. Jimmy Carr, go ahead. Did your fat mom ever fuck the pool guy? Nah, we don't have a pool. Just dirt. I live in El Paso. It's true. No pools in El Paso. No, there's pools in El Paso. We just don't got one. We got grass. Yeah. You seem terrific. I love you, man. Yeah, you seem just kind of terrific. But I think that thing about going, so you're a gay guy, very straight acting, right? I'm not straight. No. No, but you're straight. That would suck. My bad. So that thing of like going, when did you come out? Huh? When did you come out? 2003. Oh. Oh. I was gay. He answers questions in such an odd way. What did you eat for breakfast? Well, I've eaten everything for breakfast that I've ever tried. For every breakfast? Yeah, but it was literal. He said, when did you come out as gay? He said 2003, when he was born into the world. That is the. That's the last vagina he was in. That's right. That's right. Never again. He said, never again. Yuck. Are you really gay? Is this a bit. Nah, dude, I just say that when I'm nervous. Okay. Jesus, I hope this guy never goes to prison. I was just nervous. Wow. Unbelievable. I think there's something of the belushi's about his eyes. There's something about your eyes that's very belushi and I mean that in a. You're kind of adorable. Thank you. Kind of adorable, right? He's very likable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like him. No doubt about it. Oh yeah. Still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago. It's incredible. I'm gay. There you go. Catchphrase, ladies and gentlemen. It's never gonna get old. Yeah, I like that. Sweet. Put it on merch. You have merch that says I'm gay? No, I have merch about my mom's. Your mom has a. I hope so. Okie dokie again. Some people bad minutes, good interviews. Some people good minutes, bad interviews. The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book. Yeah. There he goes, Paul Ramirez. Wow. Amazing. Let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Who seems to be the first non Latino of the night? Four in a row, These people. Thank you, Joe Biden, for letting these people in. All right, mix my spirit. First non Latino bucket pool of the night. Chris Rees, everybody. Chris Reese. Oh, he might be Latino too. Everyone, Chris Reese, everyone. I hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican. I just got born with that white skin. Thank God, staying in this country. Been going through a rough patch sexually, sir. So your relationship pisses me off. I have. I've been going through a rough patch actually. So naturally I have to get really good at masturbating. Yeah. You good at masturbating, Asian man? Are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate? Just two chopsticks on the shaft, up and down. No, I'm really good. I got a really good method for masturbating. I go on my phone and I text all my contacts, I'm gonna kill myself, shove it up my ass and Ignore the calls while I jerk off. Yeah. Fuck yeah. My mom's frantically calling and I'm ignoring her. There. There you go. Okay. Chris Reese. Honestly, after seeing that, I'm really surprised people are trying to stop you from killing yourself. Yeah. The crowd work on the Asian man and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass. Welcome back, Chris. It's been a while. Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How are. How long you been doing stand up now? Eight years. Eight years. And what do you do for work again? I've been. Recently, I've been. I build circuit boards. Okay. Yeah, this guy's my manager. Right. That guy's not even Asian. Yeah. You're not Asian? I'm half Asian. Yeah. Okay, then I'm right. Not good enough. Yeah, not good enough. I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to Asian as all. Fuck. All sorts of. You're not registering. Is 50%. He's used to fucking. I like full. Dude. I build circuit boards. Okay. Yeah. What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Mainly I just watch a lot of horror movies. When I'm not doing stand up. I. I do coloring books. Yeah. Horror movies and coloring books. Amazing. Like spaghetti and meatballs, they go together, so. Favorite coloring book? Favorite horror movie? Favorite coloring book? Favorite horror movie? Yeah. Favorite horror movie? The thing. The original. The 80s one. Yeah, that's the original. No. Yeah. There's one from the 50s. Whoa. Oh, whoa. Excellent. Okay. Don't come at me with that shit. No, I love it. I love a coloring book. It's a. It's called, like, dark arts. Like really detailed stuff. Like horror stuff. Okay. The original one. Wow. I just. On behalf of everyone that you went to high school with, thank you for not shooting the place with insulin. Am I right? Chris, how is your health? When's the last time you've seen a doctor? Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12. Amazing. So I'm assuming it's fine, this rough patch that you're in, dating wise. What exactly do you mean? How is it in real life? Is it true? Dating, like, serious relationships? Yes. I don't do that. But when it comes to, like, fucking women that look like me. Yeah. I'm crushing it. Has there been. Yeah. Has there been a guy. Has there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you? A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off? No, he's not there. I know. Have you used that joke on stage? Women look like me? Yeah, like once. Keep that in. Thank you. That's a very good joke. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. With that hair and that face and those tits, it'll work every time. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. Chris, what's the most type of exercise, type of thing that you do? The stairway up counts as an answer. The most exercise I do. Yeah. Like, I walk to 7:11. What do you get from 7:11 after you put in the hard work of walking there? Taquitos. Yeah. Yeah. And I walk them off going back home. Taquitos. No, no, you don't. No, no, you do not. You're right, I'm lying. I take an Uber back. Amazing. Can I cut your hair off? No, no, no. It's kind of my thing now. You want to give me a haircut during the show? Yeah, I cut some other guy's fucking hair off. Oh, really? You want to donate your shit to sick kids or are you gonna be a bad guy? Do I want to donate my hair to sick kids? Of course not. Yeah, okay. I'm gonna know which ones to stay away from. He is a sick kid. He needs it. He's gonna end up getting the Puerto Ricans. Take it up a gear and circumcise him. Let's. You want your little taquito? I'm saying no. I didn't understand his accent. I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly. Chris. Here he goes. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that, other than stand up comedy? You good at anything? I'm a real fuck. I'm really good at coloring books. Wow. I think we all are, except for D Madness. No, I do. They have, like, braille coloring, but I guess it would be stupid, right? Because you're like. Which one's red? I am. Right. Okay, thank you. My oddest skill is. My oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing. Like the twist in movies. Yeah. So just really useless. Right. What's a movie that really surprised you? What do you think the best twist in movie history history is? Best twist in movie history? Yeah. You seem like a big fan of the Oompa Loompas being good guys or something. Oh, were they good guys? Yeah. There's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist. No, none of you guys know it, but it's a really good twist. Watch it. Yeah, it's kind of like the original thing from the 50s. Yeah. Cool. All right. What joke book did you get last time you were on Chris the big one. Well, there you go. Did you fill it up yet? No. There you go. Keep working, Chris, Keep working. Limo game. And Doug. Here we have the limu imu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu. Is that guy with the binocular watching us. Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings Fairy underwritten by Liberty Mutual insurance company and affiliates excludes Massachusetts. ABC Wednesdays Shifting Gears is back. He has arisen. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy. What What? With a star studded premiere including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and. Hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion. Welcome. Oh boy, that guy's a tool. Shifting gears. New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those special moments that you're never gonna forget for as long as you live because you are at Kiltoni and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regular in the history of the show. We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pools all night and the neurotic Jew Jack Shaw. But everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of Europe, the Estonian assassin. This is re magic. So I just found out that in chess, you know chess. In chess they have a separate league for women. Why? In basketball it makes sense. I'm gonna jump over you. In boxing, I get it. I can just fuckin but in chess too, huh? So you're telling me it's. You guys are stupid too, huh? Don't worry, honey cheeks. I looked into has nothing to do with intelligence. Just that the rules are a bit different. No difficult buttons, no bishops, no knights. As a matter of fact, women. Close your ears for a second, guys. They're just playing checkers. You know, in the late 90s, Garry Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all time, lost to a computer. Big development in civilization history with women. It happened in 1973. You guys lost to a microwave. That's my time. Thank you so much. All right, Maddie. Showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pole. And a golden ticket winner. An absolute. That's. That's hilarious. The last one was kind of stupid. I don't know why I said that. So funny. I stopped at the checkers part. I think. I think you had something that. I would go to trans next. Oh, I would go to trans Women in sports. I think you could be a chess champion. You're a wig away. Yes. You're a genius. A wig away. A wig away. A wig away. A wig away. All right, he's got it. Zach Brown's already. I love it. So, Ari, that was an amazing, amazing, fucking amazing minute. 12 seconds. What else is going on in life? It's good to see you back. You've been gone for a while. We have missed you tremendously. Yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I did some gigs. It was amazing. I did some. I did Philadelphia, Portland. I did Vancouver with you. I did Irvine Improv. Amazing. So much fun. People are actually coming out. It's great. Always one step ahead of ice. Always one step ahead of ice. Don't bring it up, Jimmy. What are your favorite cities that you've been to? What do you love about it? No, Portland was awesome. Yeah, I love their homeless, you know? Yeah, they have like the cool, like. Cause here it's like they're on crack or some shit, you know, we got. Yeah, yeah, ours are in Portland. They got this guy, you know, this guy Zombie. Just so people peaceful. Dude. They still got Fentanyl. It's like an interactive Walking Dead experience. But they're so peaceful. I put like an ashtray on one of them. They took the jobs of mimes. That's why you don't see mimes anymore. These are still. I love it. I love it. And how about Philly? What was Philly like for you? Philadelphia. Yeah, there are animals there. It's great. Yeah. Half of the room got thrown out during the show because they just keep fucking boozing and cruising. Yep, they are party people there. It was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. A woman tried to fight me after the show. It was great. Ooh, what was she mad about? The check. I didn't even get it. I hit her before I could find out. I'm an old school guy. Smack. You are the man, Ari. Maddie, you are the man. You know. You know, in Estonia, if you hit your wife, the cops show up and they go, well, what did you do? And how was Los Angeles? You were in LA last week? For a long week, dude. I was in. I was on the road in California with Martin Phillips too. Got. We got hit by a earthquake, dude. Wow. I love. I love the road stories of you and Phillips. Him never been in an earthquake. I'm freaking the out. I look over at Martin Phillips. He's standing perfectly still. He synced up. Turns out Martin isn't too shaky. The world is too still. The great Ari Matty. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And he does the driving when you guys are on the road. Yeah, I don't have a driver's license. It's crazy. When we get pulled over, we have David Jolly sleeping in the back, me on the passenger seat, Martin's Philly. Martin is driving, Dude. When the cops pull us over, they don't know what the fuck is going on. They just keep let us going. But Martin is the best to drive with because he can park. It's fucking clunk, clunk, anywhere. We don't give a fuck. I love when he's looking for a parking spot. I'm like, martin, look at you go in the mall. No one's gonna say shit, Martin. Yeah, I was gonna. I was looking for a spot. I. Holy. You know, the impression's great because Deep Madness just started freaking out when you did that. That was amazing. He's the. He's the master judge at Vocal Impressions that you fucking. You got my ass. Silence like that. Wow. And you got to go to the old motherland, the old homeland of ours, the Comedy Store place in which we all are always. We could just roll right back in there if we wanted to at any point and just take it back over. But we like it here in Austin. Just a reminder. And then here you are, thriving. What was the Comedy Store like for you going. Oh, yeah, it's so crazy, dude. It's such a historic place. Yeah. And everyone's so nice there. Yeah. You did a lot of shows. Yeah. You got passed immediately, right? I don't think I'm passed. No. But I do get on stage there, and I'm grateful for that, too. They just let you do spots everywhere. Yeah. They just haven't called it official yet. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to be on that wall, that's a dream. But, yeah, I'll get to it when I get to it. Absolutely. I'm working about it. But a lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall. Yeah. And then fucking Camp Patterson on snl. Hell, that's crazy. Holy. What's happening. Although. So you know he's not allowed to say the N word, right? Like, they're gonna beep the N word. He's gonna sound like a truck backing up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Cam's gonna be on Weekend Update, and it's just gonna. It's just gonna. 74 seconds too late. Yeah. Not a second too soon, by the way. Same soundboard for 12 and a half years. He's just scanning like oh, God. Where is it again? There's five pages of sound effects. 23. 23. Number 23. All right. Ari, you're unbelievable. You came in and shook the room. Thank you so. Thank you. Kill Tony fans. You guys are the best. Matthew. Ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian Assassin has done it yet again. And now, back to the bucket we go. Somebody's gotta follow that. Make some for your next bucket. Pull. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Aaron West. Make some noise for Aaron, everyone, the opportunity of a lifetime. To Aaron West. Howdy. Howdy. Hey, thanks. You know, maybe it's true what they say. Maybe meemaws do know best. Today my meemaw said, you're going out in that jacket. It looks like a giant hairless ball sack. Speaking of ball sacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often? Now, folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, take a tour of Italy. Wow. Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas? Now, folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say things like, when you're here, right here, your family. Hey, Olive Garden, how the fuck you gonna have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls? Your Honor. Yes. I might have dropped a cannoli in the urinal. Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour. You guys. You guys like Chewy's Tex. Mexico? Well, guess what? They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm gonna need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit. Mimigo. Como serice. Incest. Waiter. All right, Aaron west, pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants jokes. Hell, yeah. Aaron, you've been on this show before, right? I have. Over at the Vulcan. Yeah. Welcome back, Aaron. Remind us all how long you've been doing stand up. Yeah, I could take the jacket off. You already did the ball sack. Yeah. Make yourself it hot out there. Totally. Totally worth it. I wore it all day waiting for that. Yeah. Sitting outside. Keep going. Now, I've been doing comedy. I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years. Wow. Quite the work ethic. Yeah. Taking a lot of time off. Yeah. This is. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Jimmy, I kind of. I thought. Terrible material. Yes. Yeah. Incredible performance. Yeah. Like, your confidence, your thing. Like, I don't know what you're good at, but there's something there, and it's very special. I could. Something very special. I couldn't agree more. I mean, it Is unbelievable. You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say. You're saying it in a kind of funny way. But again, the writing, absolutely unbelievable. Howdy, Mima. Olive Garden tour of Italy in a urinal. And whatever the Chewies thing was at the end with no transition or segue. You guys in the Chewy's Tex Mex. Huh? Anyone out of nowhere. But, like, again, do you. Do you try to write? Because, like, Olive Garden tour of Italy, it's kind of. Right. It's a thing. Yeah. I don't know. I guess I just. I write what I know and I. I eat a whole lot of Olive Garden. That's the funniest shit you said about outlet garden. That's fucking. That's very funny. Yeah. Feels weird. I don't know. I think. I think you're a comedic actor. I think you've got a face, you've got a look. There's just. When you walked out, I felt like, okay, this guy knows what he's doing. I think you're very funny. Thanks. But I think it's like someone else's writing. I think you could bring it to life. I think you really got something. And maybe. Maybe it's not stand up, maybe it's sketch, maybe it's something else. But there's something very special about. I really enjoyed it. Thanks. Yeah, you're great. I did bring it up last time. I don't know if it. But yeah, no, I'm. And I'm four and a half years sober, so, like, doing comedy sober. This is my. This is my third time ever doing it sober, so it is, like, really shaky. I was back there, like, holding a water, like. But as opposed to the other, like, don't to be overly serious about. But you seem so confident walking out. You seem like just. You kind of own the stage. You've got great presence. But it's that thing of, like, some people, maybe you need to work with some writers, maybe you need to work with some other people. Just, like, there's such a great community around Austin. You'll find there's such fucking funny people around here. Team up with someone, right? With someone. That's a great idea. No doubt about it. Definitely. Whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote tonight. What made you have to get sober four years ago? What was your problem? Cocaine and alcohol. Okay. And is that a good. He's done it. You and me both. What was the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol? Tell us what bottom was like for you. Well, I. Yeah, I showed up. Well, no, okay. I called out of work and I wake up at 5pm and I call my work. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'd worked there for years. I never had any issue with attendance. And my boss goes, yeah, numbnuts, you already came in today and had you clocked in, we would have fucking fired you, but you were on the line trying to cook something and so we just told you to get lost. Yeah, I mean, I was a waiter. Like, there's no fucking reason I should have been on the line in the first place. Back there, like, wow. At the Olive Garden. No, I'm just a big fan. One day I'll work my way up if they'll have me. Oh, wait a second. So you were so fucked up that you went into work? This is a night shift. Oh, no, no. I'm like solely a morning restaurant worker. So it was breakfast. Yeah, breakfast at the brewery I worked at. And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis. And one day you went in. So up. So up you went and just started cooking. Random. Yeah. Did they tell you what you were cooking? Do you remember what you were cooking? Do you remember any of it? I don't remember any. I mean, I literally Woke up at 5:30 and was like, oh my God, I was supposed to be there at 10, 10:30. Jimmy Carr, the genius of getting home, going, I better phone in sick. And then you'd already been to work. Yeah, it's. How is that not your fucking stand up? That's amazing. It's so true. People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually know. The honesty shines through. You can feel it. So what time of the day did you call in for that shift that they already basically told you to go home? Like 5:30pm? Yeah. Wow. Seven hours into my shift. Yeah. Fucking up cruises. Amazing. Did you call your drug dealer afterwards and go, that was excellent stuff? Yeah. Is there any feedback that you give them and go, look, honestly, that's some of the best. No, no. Well, I kept partying for a few years and I didn't lose that job. I mean, I've actually never been fired from a job. I've walked out of a job. It was actually on 6th street here. It's kind of. Yeah, tell us about that. You don't have to name the place if you don't want to, but just tell us. Don't mind. I don't really care for them. Yeah, okay. It rhymes with. It doesn't move. It doesn't matter. For the story. It's a place that makes bread. Okay, perfect. Just tell the fucking story. And yeah, so I just didn't enjoy working there. And mid shift they kept. Every time it would start raining, I didn't have this jacket at the time. When it would start raining, they would move me to the patio and when it was nice weather, they would move me inside and they kept doing this shit to me. So I wasn't making any money. And this is a place where you did side work until it was like done, but we didn't close till 2am and as restaurants work, like, hey, more silverware comes out, more silver work comes out. So you're like doing all the side work, doing all this shit. And so mid shift the manager was like, hey, we're gonna change your section. I said, yeah, I know, I quit. And she was like, what is that? My section's gonna change? Because I. I quit. Like, I'm done. And yeah, that was it. I just, I left mid shift and I've never done that anywhere. Like I didn't feel great about it, but I was like fresh out of rehab and didn't want to be fucked around with. Stand your ground. Good on you. I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story. So, I mean, I think. I think I actually just hit bottom right now listening to you talk about things, finishing your side work. I was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of. I thought it was going to be a big cokey alcohol infused ending, but just. No, you just were done that day. Meemaw, I think what Tony's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it. Yeah, read the room. You have a girlfriend, Aaron? I do. Okay, what does she do? She works at a like homeopathic doctor's office. Adorable. Yeah, she's awesome. You have any special moves in the bedroom? Well, I don't get drunk anymore, so my dick works. Wow. You a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy? Mid afternoon. Whoa. Okay, post lunch, Rockets in flight, cup of coffee and then at lunch or whatever. Well, because I get up at. I get up at 6:30, I still do the breakfast restaurant thing. So like I'm already ready to go and then I have to wait on the work time with these knuckleheads and then I can have sex. Wow. My section changed. Okay, all right. What size joke book did you get last time? I got a large. Okay, well, you go Fill it up. Thanks. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron West. All right, thanks. The holidays have arrived at the Home Depot and we're here to help bring the excitement with decor for every part of your home. Check out our wide assortment of easy to assemble pre lit trees so you can spend less time setting up and more time celebrating. And bring your holiday spirit outdoors with unique decor like one of our Santa inflatables. Whatever your style, find the right pieces at the right prices this holiday season at the Home Depot. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. On to the next one. Is the great Jay Z once said, make some noise for Mason Bird. Here we go. No rest for the wicked. It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen. It's Mason Bird. I. I got an aligned scooter the other day and I drove like 2 or 3ft and the bike stopped. So I checked the app and it was like, hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please. Has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual? I know the exact moment I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman. She was like, oh, hell no. She was. I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time. And when I was there, this Korea couple walked up to me. They're like, hey, can you take a photo of us? And I was like, sure. And I thought, they want to take a photo like them and the Mona Lisa. But they want to take a photo with me. They're like, this guy's so fat, white and American. We have to show our friends back at home. Dude, I look like World War 3 propaganda. There's photos of me in North Korea. This is democracy. This is freedom. This is McDonald's. Wow. An amazing set from Mason Bird. Holy shit. That was incredible. Thank you. Thank you. And you've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. Amazing. This had to be your best set ever. Thank you. You're working hard, right? Yes, sir. Working hard. Absolutely. And remind us, how long you been doing stand up? Three years. Three years. How do you make money? I work at Jersey Mike's oh, yeah, There it is. Make it in Mike's way. There it is. I'm Big Mike. I love it. I love it. What else you been doing in life? What's different? What's changed? I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna. Wow. What are you doing at the gym? Lifting weights and making attractive women uncomfortable. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Yeah. What are you doing to make them uncomfortable? Just existing. Yeah, Just the vibe. And what kind of workouts are you doing? What are you doing with these weights? Exactly. I like to bench. I like to squat. I like to deadlift. I like to. Like to get all the anger out. Amazing. Yes. Yes. I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're doing in the gym, you're doing it wrong. Yes. He's doing bread lifting. What's your favorite machine in the gym? Is it vending? The Gatorades. I like the blue Gatorades. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. My goodness. So what type of protein package are you using before going to the gym or after? What? I. I'll eat like, a half a roast rotisserie chicken. Don't eat like a. Eat the other half after. It's like a reward. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Oh, me doctors don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Amazing. Mason, you're killing it. You're doing it, Mason. You done that line on stage? No, write it down. That's a fucking great line. Tell us more about the bird family. You're not built like a bird. No. Dad died. Cirrhosis of the liver. Drank himself to death. Real sad. But, you know, he was a bit. He was kind of a dick, so he was. Wow. Mom still alive? She was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she cleaned up and. What kind of drugs was she addicted to? Pills, like. Yeah. Worked at Ford Motor Company. I happen to all of them, you know. Do you think that this family, with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you? Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all, possibly whatsoever? Is there anything you could think of that you might be addicted to? A way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something? Calories? Yeah, we're addicted to calories. No, it's. Yeah, it's probably this. Or alcoholism. So you drink, too? No, I'm afraid to become like my father. There you go. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You don't want to die young. Well, we'll see. I got to beat 50, and the odds are close. Hell, yeah. Have you thought about the new modern weight loss drugs or anything? Have you thought about this? Yes. I think that's cheating. Like, if you have to take Ozempic to lose weight, you're a bitch. I think that's. If you just do it, you'll do it. You hear that, you Ozempic people. If you add any balls, you need a half a rotisserie chicken every day. You. You think it's easy? You cheaters go get a rotisserie chicken, you lose. Back in my day, we didn't have oic. You wanted to lose weight, you had to get aids. Have you considered going to a gay bar? Because something needs to change. They're all in prep now. It's kind of hard to get AIDS from them, you know? I tried. It's just. Are you gay, Mason? Nope. Oh, okay. Shut up. Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head. And someone was so upset that you weren't gay. Son of a. I for. For sure thought he was gay. Dude, a guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle. I'm like, oh, Mason. So what's your love life like, exactly? What's going on over there? Well, you're picking them up at Jersey Mike's. No way. All right. I used to do surprisingly well, but the love life is in. Austin's been pretty rough. I kill in the Midwest, though, for, like, hell, yeah. In the Midwest, I'm hot. Yeah. Here, I'm just some fat guy. Yeah, in the Midwest, you're a medium. Yeah. So tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had. How does it go down for Mason Bird? Tell us how the bird flies. It's a flightless bird. The last time I had sex, I was, like, a chef at a bar, and I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason. And just after work, she just, like, she had a boyfriend, and she just threw herself at me. And I found out I wasn't a good dude that night. I will cheat. I will help your girlfriend cheat on you. I found that out about myself. But, no, she was really fun. Did you go on top, or is she still alive? She's dead. Yeah. Our safe word is wow. Mason Bird. Three years of standup. How much time do you think you've accumulated? About 20 minutes. About 20 minutes? Yeah. And how fast are you writing? I mean, are you. Do you find yourself. Your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff. I can tell. Yeah. I try to write, like, five minutes a week, and sometimes it's really ass, so I just get rid of it or try to make it better, but 20 minutes of good material. Yeah. Amazing, Mason. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. You do that at a desk. Where do you find yourself writing? What's your process? Desk. Desk. And I'm usually just, like, eating chips and thinking. Desk. I have a recliner I like. Lean back and stare at the ceiling. Sturdy recliner, I guess. Yeah. I just kind of turn everything off and figure it out. Amazing, Mason. Yeah. I love your style. Thank you. You're incredible. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show. Mason Bird is going to be on the Secret Show. How many times have you been on this show? Three. Three times. Yeah. And you're constantly getting better. It's absolutely incredible. It's amazing. Mason, I really love your style, and I think I want to see more of you. So I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here. Everyone's. And blowing up. You, my friend. You, my friend, have done it. That's it right there. A golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody. Bing bong. We'll see your next minute soon, Mason. Congratulations. Wow. How fun. Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody. I mean, what can I say about this? This guy kill Tony hall of Famer, who, you know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get to see a ton of him. One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show. Here for a surprise popping kill, Tony legend David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I do a lot of white shit. I hunt, I fish, I swim. I change the batteries in my smoke detector. It's so weird to me that black people never hear those fucking smoke detectors. It's like, it's fucking soothing to you. Know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friend's house the other day, and his smoke detector was beeping. I'm like, nigga, you don't hear that shit? He's like, yeah, that mean it's working. I'm like, what the. I'm like, no. The fuck it's not. No. But black people, we don't hear that shit. We don't change our fucking smoke detectors, bro. You ever heard the saying, if you want to hide something from a nigga, put it in a book. I didn't make it. I just repeated. I don't think that's true. I think if you wanna hide something from a nigga, you should put it in a smoke detector, because we never check that shit. The fucking cure for diabetes is in the fucking smoke detector. All right. That's about time. Take it out. Fuck yeah. Exactly one minute. Hilarious, bruh. That shit crazy as hell. Jimmy Carr looked like the ghost of Tony Hinchcliffe. Nigga, that's you. Two weeks decomposed bitch. That motherfucker look like Lil Hobo. Nigga, I'm trying to see who got the remote to this nigga Face. I'm just. This motherfucker look like Elder Matt R. All right, go ahead, Jimmy. Your goosebumps looking ass. Oh, shit. Sorry. Do you need tea and crumpets? I'm. I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me canceled. Jimmy said I'm not one of those kind of black people. I'm the good guy. Well, you can still say. Yeah, you can say it. I'm not. I'm not. I'll take it. Funny. Thank you. Buddy, you look like you read Dr. Seuss to niggas in prison. What the. One fish, two fish, red fish, bluefish. David Lucas. I got mine. I don't know what that nigga look like, bro. That nigga look like he hosts American Idol in Ireland. I think he did. I think he actually did. Jimmy hosts, like, everything on the other side of the planet. Yeah, he hosts, like, every show in England. You put on a TV in England. It's just. What show is Jimmy Carr hosting? That. Need a bag of blood that pale as hell, bro. You need some of that. You need some of that color from Tony your ass. You're a remarkably confident man for a guy that shape. What are you working on? Type 3 diabetes. There we go. There we go. I couldn't wait for your tight mouth ass to say something. Every time a nigga talk, I want to shoot a water gun in his mouth. What are you working on? Type 3 diabetes. What do you mean? Not the smoke detector, by the way. He did it three times before. You never heard it. It's red band. Hilarious. A little black. I'm becoming white a little bit once you see me dressing like Teu Pe Herman. Oh, my God. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We got. No, no, we got to shut this down now. You're criticizing what someone's wearing? Yeah, the. You talking about goodwill. Jimmy, I'm sorry. You dressed like you about to go fight a parking ticket nigga your ass. David Lucas. I heard I was parked illegally, but I want to see the queen. David. It's out of control right now. David wore his comfy pants for this. This nigga's so confused. Cause they don't got niggas like that over there. Watch with the queen. I'm driven. I don't park. Oh, yeah, I forgot me. Talk me through the hair. Talk me through what's going on there. It's a lot. So in. In black America, these are called dreadlocks. Those are thick. You got on that Queen Diana wig. Queen Diana's name. Master of English history. What was that name? Just trying to remember now what her name. Trying to remember what that name walk. The one who died in the car crash. Oh, Princess Diana. That's her name. Princess Diana. I said Queen. You probably got confused, cuz. All them look alike. Cuz y' all inbred. It looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread. David. Going ham tonight. Finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotisserie chicken. That's crazy. I had to follow the white version of me. That crazy. I like me and this can swap clothes and be the same person. Yeah, we did. We went from bird to pig real quick. Amazing. You look like Steve Urkel in White face. All right, what is going on? Were you molested by a British man before this? What happened to you? No. Jimmy Carr's my homie, bro. Jimmy car. Not yet. That gave me that Netflix deal. Nigga, I bend over like Tony his cliff. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You ain't bending over for shit. This is a guy that ties his shoes, fucking sitting up with his leg propped up over his other leg. The Illuminati didn't have to convince you to fuck you. You was like, yes. I don't even know what you just said. It's okay. It's okay. David, you are on fire right now. Absolutely incredible. Yes. How's life going? You good, man. You know, Life been amazing, bro. I was on the road with you this weekend, bro. We murdered sold out shows and Raleigh and Fort Lauderdale, bro. Tony about to shoot his new hour. That is fantastic. I can't wait for y' all to see it. Yep. It's been really amazing, dog. And I love it so much. Absolutely. And also, Andrew Santino had an amazing special on Hula Bro. That's right. It's out right now. White noise. I love you. Yeah, I just. I just go myself. Shall I? I guess I'll just go myself. This got. He got a. He got a new tin can of cookies coming out. He's on fire tonight, right? Sometimes you just got to let him cook. Let him cook. Let him eat. David Lucas. Hell, yeah. Catch me on tour, man. You Know what I'm saying? Davidluccomer.com Appreciate it. Hell, yeah. Jesus Christ. David Lucas, the regulars tonight, showing how different it is having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week. You just have a. They have a different confidence. All found out of the bucket. This person could be one. I mean, anything can happen. We've already given away a golden ticket. Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody. Donna Lee. Hey, everybody. How we doing? You good? My name's Donna Lee. I have a very critical Asian mom. My mom is Thai. My dad is Irish, so I'm tirish. I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce. And so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She was very upset I was gonna be single forever. So one day I'm in the car going to Austin, to Houston, and my mom called and she said, donna, Donna, how come you're alone? You're so very, very alone. I worry for you. And I said, why am I alone? Let's unpack that together. I said, I'm alone because you and dad proved the inability to show me love and affection as a child. And you never uttered the words I love you. And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance. I can't create lasting connections, and I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly and we'll always be looking for something that I cannot find. Mom. That's why I'm alone. Damned online. I just asked why you go to Houston alone? Thank you. That's my minute. Thank you. Boom. Exactly a minute from Donna Lee. You've been on this show once before, correct? I was a few months ago, and I have of a lot lot to talk about. Remind us, how long you been doing standup? I started doing standup in 2006, and I had my big comeback. I took five years of standup and perfected my hosting abilities. I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job. I just came back to comedy May 2024, and I'm so happy to be here right now. This is my dream. This is my dream. Wow. Rock solid answer. Thank you, Donna. How So? You have one kid that's 13, or is that 23? Oh, okay. We 12 years off? Yeah, I took 12 years off because I felt guilty and I wanted to raise my son and my stepsons and I got a new husband and all this stuff, but I put them First. But now it's my turn to be first. So here I am. This is my dream. Wow. This is my comeback story. So. And I was on secret show last time and I had so much fun. So thank you. She brought cupcakes for everybody. Oh, my God. That's how you get booked again by Red Band on the spot here. Cupcakes. I'm a mom. You want to be a regular here at the secret show? Carry name on the fridge. Wow. When I was here last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer. That you implied. There you go. Absolutely. And I went down the rabbit hole the next day and I wish I had hadn't. So. Yep, now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer. Thanks to Tony Henchcliffe. That's right. And a lot of 25 year old boys reached out to me after that episode. I bet. I bet they did. They did, Absolutely. So it was. Now you're. You're with a guy, though. You're. Yes, I'm married. Yes. Right. Yes. He's awesome. Is he a big supporter of your comment? Yes, he is. He's very supportive. He's. What does he do? He's a custom home builder here in Austin. Okay. He's doing good for himself. Yeah. You guys live in Westlake or something like that? Be cave. Close House. Oh, yeah. Yep. He builds in Westlake, so that was good. You're living that life. You have a Mercedes suv, sedan. I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive. It's an unbelievable talent that I have. What type of Asian is your mom? She's Thai. Okay. Yep. Jimmy Carr. And your. Your father's Irish? Irish. Tall. Irish. Tall, Irish. And she's Thai? She's tiny. Thai. Okay. From Thailand. Yes. Right. And. And how did your father get into sex tourism? The Air Force. The Air Force, yes. Traditional. Yes. I'm a product of this country. Correct. No, I was born in Thailand and we got here as fast as we could. Amazing. Amazing. I. I love Irish Air Force. Is that even a thing? No, it's the American Air Force here. He was a citizen here. I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube thanks to. Is that okay. Can you do it in your mom's accent? Yeah, I can. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that. Exactly. Great idea. That's a great idea. Well. Cause that's. That stuff takes me home, you know? That's it. It's kind of my thing. Yeah. So I did a lot of Posts on my page onaleecomedy.com and I was on Kill Tony episode 722 and I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments. And the very Asian mom, as my Asian mom, the first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said, oh, Caitlyn Jenner, she look feminine now. And another one about Caitlyn Jenner said, oh, Caitlyn Jenner, I not know she does stand up comedy. So I think it's more funny in American in English. But hell yeah, I was also called the Teemu. Lisa Ann didn't know who that was. Had to go down that rabbit hole. Yeah, she's a retired porn star for those of you who don't know. That's where I know you from. Yeah. Yes, that's right. So do you make money in any way ever? Oh my God. Red bands. Red band. Why would you do that? That is disrespectful. That is not nice. Don't do that. No, don't, don't. No, don't do that. Stop that red band. Stop it. No, don't, no, I'm serious. No, don't, don't do that. And people say Tony can't act. Don't do. Wait, who the says that I'm a great actor. Stop. No, don't, don't do it. That's crocky. No, that's a whole different race. Stop. Okay, stop. Serious. All right, very good. That doesn't make any sense. Do you sucky sucky? No. How do you keep this man happy? This guy could be with anybody. He has money. Right. How do you keep your man happy? We laugh a lot. Oh, has he met your mom? I tried getting stuck in the washer, but I didn't work. Fucking good. Safe word, safe word. Has he met your mom? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay, and what does your mom do? She lives in America too. She actually passed away a couple of years ago. But in my act she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well, so. Oh no, was also. Now I feel bad. It was a Yoko. Oh no. Me not love you long time. It's over. What? The doctor told me. Sucky, sucky. All right. How did she put pass away? Cancer. Wow. Well, if at first you don't succeed. Tie, tie again. It's amazing. There it is. There it is. Believable. We're here for a good time, not for a long time. Unbelievable. What kind of cancer was it, Tony? It's like this is kill Tony. This is. This Ain't Jimmy Kimmel over here. Whoa, whoa. Okay. All right. What kind of cancer was it? It was liver cancer. Liver cancer. Wow. Yeah. Was she a drinker? No. Did she saki saki? She did not that. You're getting your Asians confused. That's Japanese. That saki saki joke did not get the love that it deserved after. Or two sucky sucky references. Sucky socky for liver cancer. We love a good liver cancer Joe. I did want the opportunity to thank you, though. My life changed after I was on the first time. Yes. Well, it's gonna change again. Thank you. It's gonna change again. You. You're. You're a funny lady, Donna Lee. It's cool to see someone that. Chasing their dreams. It's a. They say this is a young person's game, but I love all different shapes and sizes of people and. And for you to come back and do what you love because you love to do it. You love the feeling that you get from. It's awesome and you deserve it. Congratulations. You got a big joke book last time. I did, yes. Congratulations. You know what? I have an eight minute spot on the secret show if you want to do it. Somebody wants more. Red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cup. Everybody. Red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cupcakes. Make some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back here. One of the best fucking musicians in the world. Go to the sphere. I know I am. You're gonna. You might run into us there December or January. We're gonna be there. All right. Your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name. This looks like a new name. I like it. Make some noise for Ronnie Rohrbach. Ronnie Rohrabach. Oh, here we go. Make some noise. Your final bucket pull tonight. Ronnie Rohrabach. Guys, I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship. I've lived here for 26 years. I was adopted by white people. I have a disability. My dad got me off a fucking tax write off. Now, honestly, like, he was an asshole because growing up, he never taught me Spanish, so that any. So anytime I would act out, he would be like, here. He'd always starting to send me back to the homeland. And like, he goes, here they call you Ronnie. Back at home, they would call you Jaguar bait. And he would always use past tense, so I knew he was serious. And the worst part about it is, growing up, like, I never thought my dad was an asshole. Like, I never thought my dad was an alcoholic, but I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at the age of four, he would make me make his cocktails for him. And you put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise. Thank you, guys. All right. Ronnie Rohrbach, welcome to the show, Ronnie. Thank you. You, my friend. I call. I've called a lot of people adorable. I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you. Thank you. What a cutie pie you are. What's wrong with your hand, low buddy? I have cerebral palsy in my left arm. You are. You have. Let me tell you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen. You should see what our cerebral palsy people. You're like, I just got to get a little ugly. Hey, everybody. I don't know. Cutie. What a cutie piece. Cerebral palsy's sweet. I mean. So this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place. This kids unbelievable. Look at this little. If you study the hand he's giving involuntary finger. Yeah. About once a minute, there's an involuntary. Oh, yeah. Look at that middle finger. That's a true. You incursive. This guy says you incursive. It's a squiggly little middle finger. I. I can't imagine what that would feel like in my. Whatever. Night is young. Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you off of my bad hand, you know I mean it. Oh, hell yeah. You soldier boy. In this. Ronnie, how old are you? I'm 27. You are something else. How long you been doing stand up? About five years now. Five years now. Amazing. All of it here in Austin? No, I just moved down here about six months ago. I started in Detroit. Okay. That's where you're originally from? Born and raised? No, I was born in Guatemala and then my parents adopted me and took me to Detroit. Oh, my God. You're adopted? Yeah. Holy. Look at you. You were adopted by a little white family? Yep. Oh, my goodness. That's how you ended up like this. Yep. Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. You're what? Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. Oh, oh, yeah. No. Guatemalans love NASCAR shirts. It's incredible. Amazing. So you're a NASCAR fan? Oh, yeah. What else are you into, Ronnie? Tell us more about you. For me, like, I. I'm really into disc golf because it's a one handed thing, like. Yeah, hell yeah. Absolutely. What else? I grew up playing football, which was like a big expectation for my own doing. Huh. A lot of fumbles. They never let me touch the Ball. Oh, perfect. You're a kicker. The only time I would get out is, like, when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered. Right, right. You're not considered being a mascot. Too short. Too short to be a mascot. Yeah, you got to be, like, 54 to be a mascot. Oh, my God. You got to be 54. Yeah, I I it up, dude. Clearly, he wanted this. Yeah. Somehow, this is sadder than the other lady's mom's cancer diagnosis is. Finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream is a mess. Oh, my God, Ronnie. What else? I want to interview you forever. Another thing about me is that the cutest guy of all time. There's more things. Tell us. Yes, tell us everything, Ronnie. I came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Some of you might not know what goes on in Detroit. Exactly. Well, prettiest butthole competitions are. Would you like to reprise? Yeah. Wait. No, no, no, no. Let's not. Let's not. Let's not. The problem. The problem is, like, for me, like, I would need someone else to hold my other cheek, because you can only get half the vision. Andrew Santino. And, no, we can't pull out his butthole. It's a. It's a. I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration that. Give me. Pass me the knife. We're going to cut it out and then display it on a. I would do it, dude. You know I was gonna do it. Oh, I believe you. Yeah. I like you. Where was this. Yeah. Where was this competition held? It was in Lansing, Michigan. Oh, yeah. Well, what did number one look like? How did they beat you? So number two, like, I don't know if anyone ever seen, like, but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass. Oh, my God. And, like, he farted at one point, and, like, it shot out. Wow. It was amazing. All right. Yeah. Here's me thinking, Kill Sony is a great show. That's a great. That is a great show. I'm gonna get the number two guy on Give him a minute next week. Sorry. That was the number two guy? Yeah. Who won? So this lady, she was from Oklahoma, and, like, she had a flower tattooed on her ass like this. Like, the center of the flower was the sphincter. Wow. And what was your. What was your spin? How did you get third? Well, because I. So they had an interview section, and I told everyone it was my Make a wish. Wow. Wow. Very good. Wow. Very good. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. I literally went from eighth to third in five words. Wow. So the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting. Oh, natural. I felt very accomplished. Absolutely. Andrew's gonna cut the hair off of it with Zach Brown's knife. Right, right. Amazing, ronnie. So you're 27. What do you do for work? How do you make money? Ronnie? I do doordash right now. Unbelievable. I mean, actually totally believable. I mean, like I got. I kind of got fired from my last job. I was a pool boy. Or as I like to say, I was going around, like I was going around this like, fucking up every middle aged woman's fucking wet dream to see my gumpy ass walk in. Yeah. That's incredible. I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special, but my Gumpy Ass might well be the title. Yep. I'll definitely put that in the notes. Absolutely. So it's amazing because you're like an anomaly. You're like so many, many of the people. We had a pool guy on earlier. We had a doordash guy on earlier. This is. We had an. Yeah. Amazing, Ronnie. So do you ever have a crazy doordash? Do you have any moments that. Yeah, the other day they had me doordashing tires. Whoa. I felt that was like racially profiled. I'm like, I don't know how I look, but like, you're gonna have micro ass lift 4 heavy tires. Amazing. How did you do it? I fucking had a white person help me. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And don't you forget it. Ronnie. Did you, did you tell them it was your. Make a wish. Yeah. Wow, Ronnie, you are incredible. Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person. Guatemalan. Sorry. Guatemalan. I apologize. You live here now? Yeah, I live down here. How long have you lived in Austin? For about six months now. What do you love about Austin? Tell us what you're doing for fun out there. I honestly, I love just like seeing people who look like me so I can know which haircuts I can and cannot go with. Can I be the first to say no one else looks like you? Yeah. You're a non fungible human. Is that haircut? Oh, what the fuck? Hang on, there's another one in a hat. There's a bunch of them over there. They're everywhere. What is that haircut? Is that like Steve Carell from the Office? What are you rocking right now? I don't know. I had a white barber and I like, for like the longest time I just walked in, I'm like, just do it. Just don't Fuck me up. And this is what I've been going with. It looks great. White people. It looks great. Ronnie, what's your love life like? Ronnie, you've been with the girl. It's really non existent right now. I just been focusing on comedy lately. I love that. Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas? I actually. A stripper. Oh, wow. Jesus. Ronnie. Ronnie. Oh, my goodness, you've activated the lights. Ronnie, tell us about this shepherd shimmy car. That sounds like a hell of a Tuesday morning morning. Yeah, no doubt about it. So, like, what actually happened was that I was like. I applied for disability and got denied and, like, I got my tax write off. So I was like, I'm going to the strip club. Okay, let me real quick. How much was this tax write off for exactly? I think it was like 1500. 1500. Let's blow it right away. Yeah, straight to the strip club. Let's go. What did you wear to the strip club? Was it that. I was wearing a Batman shirt? Oh, yeah, brother. Oh, yeah. It had the abs and everything on. Oh, my God, my friend. There is. That's right. There isn't a dry seat in the house. Yeah, exactly. You and a Batman T shirt, please. Exactly. The manager came into the champagne room, and he's like, where is she? So you're wearing a Batman shirt, you show up to the strip club, just that music playing in your head. What's that song that the. With the horns? That is. What are you, five foot two? You're lucky you didn't drown in. No, no, not that one. No, the. The one that's the p. The. The. More P. Was that. Pick up. Pick up the pieces. What is that? What is that? Pick up the pieces. You know what the I'm talking about. Ah, forget it. All right? You have cool music playing in your head that YouTube won't let us reproduce right now. And then what goes on? First stripper you see. Well, yeah, not the first stripper I saw because, like, the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a language barrier there. Yeah. Yep, yep. Don't judge by the color of their skin, but by the language they speak. Exactly. That's what d. Madness lives by as well. Go ahead. Because if, like. Because, like, the thing is, like, I can't speak Spanish, so I can't bargain. You're damn right. And the bargaining is necessary. We need. So it was a white woman, and, like, she's like, let's go to the champagne room and everything. And, like, I was like, oh, no, get back there. I'm like, oh no, I gotta negotiate condom or not. And like she just literally grabbed it and put it right in. Wow. Unbelievable. And that's how he got cerebral palsy, everybody. Before that, his left arm was totally fine. He was the quarterback of the football team. A left handed quarterback. Before that. I like how you were gonna negotiate, condom or not condom. You didn't want to. You were just the price. Yeah, yeah. You were used. So you wanted no condom. Him, I didn't want it, but like, I was just like. I wasn't not going to just like not negotiate. Try to get a couple bucks off. So what, what did you get it down to? Let's talk about the negotiation process. It was like I think 350. That's pretty raw. Dogged a stripper in Detroit for three. No, this was in Austin. Whoa. Oh my God bless America. Don't ask. Okay, don't ask. Should I ask which strip club? We all know which one it is. Which strip club was it? H. It was Rick's cabinet. Wait, it was what? Rick's cabinet. So north of 35. Hold on. There's a patch of the room. Losing their minds. I think they're having an employee outing right now. 3. 350 is the Ewok price. What was that? 350 is the Ewok price. You are a little Ewok. Look at you. That's what it is. I've been wondering what you remind me of your. The. We have the Estonian assassin and the Guatemalan Ewok tonight. This is absolutely incredible. Zach Brown with the call on the field. I was wondering what the. You were. That's what it is. Look at you. We shaved the knee walk and gotten laid. Austin, what a town. It's unbelievable. So, 350 and. So you're negotiating, right? You're sitting there and you go, you know, I'd really like to have sex with you like that, right? Is that what you said? Well, she was the one who initiated it, which made me kind of thrown off a little bit. What did she say exactly? She goes, I wanna fuck you. I need to fuck you. I will dominate you, Batman. Name your price, for the bidding shall be mine and the chlamydia shall be yours. Your abs have confused me, Batman. 350 is a deal. What did she say? No, she was just like. She was just, I think like she was just down from it from the beginning. Cause like whenever I'm like at the strip club, like I like having a real conversation. I'm like, so what'd you do on Tuesday. God, you're the cutest human being of all time. Was that. So was this the first and last time at that or. This is a rec. Yeah. That was the first time I have ever been there. I haven't been back. I should go back. But. But now after this, I don't think they want me back. No, I think they do. I think you just blew up their business big time. Everybody just found out they can for 350 with a 1500 dollar tax. Tax return, my friend. I do believe that's about four or five. Why are we still here? Yeah. Yes. Let's all go. We know where the afterparty is and we're taking the sweetie walk with us. So again, what exactly does this stripper say? Well, so I was just like, there. She goes, do you want to go to the champagne room? I'm like, all right. But like, what are we going to do? And which kind of shows how like I'm innocent in a way. I was like, what are we gonna do? And she goes, I'll make sure it's your worth your time. I'm like, all right, let's do this. I'm always down for the game. Okay, so then what happened? This guy goes, I'm innocent. He was like, let's go, Raw dog. Yes. It's like nothing innocent about you at all. The moment your cop is out, you're like, I'm putting this inside of you right now. It really is. I'm so. Who me? I'm so innocent. It really, really is. I love you, man. You are something else. So again, I make sure it's worth your time. But then again, how do you get to raw dogging? Yeah. I mean, it would. Make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with, you know, underwear on for two songs. How do you get to. Well, so she goes, we literally walk into the champagne room. She goes, go sit in that corner and take it out. I'm like, okay. What? What? I'm sorry. Yellow Rose and Red Rose have been sponsoring us for a long time, but let me tell you, that place sucks compared to this because sit in the corner and pull it out. This is the world's greatest triple of all time. It's amazing. What the risk. What's it called? It was Rick's Cabinet. We have it on Yelp right here. Rick's Cabaret. Cab Cabin. Rick's Cabaret. Let's read some Yelp reviews. Holy. Oh, my God. Well, you know what? We're gonna do because it's tradition here. We're gonna start with the one star reviews. But I, I gotta tell you, this is the. I'm gonna go to some five star reviews too. Let's actually start with the fives and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs. That's a five star review, right Day. Oh, no doubt about it. If they want to sponsor me, I wear a shirt everywhere. Hunter F. From Huto, Texas. January 26, 2024. The women are beautiful. The staff is attentive and personable. Can't beat free prime rib on Fridays. Make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and Shai. Buy a few shots and they will give you the best recommendations on the dance answers. Tell them that Hunter sent you. Wow. Thank you, Hunter. What an amazing. Tell them I sent you from Yelp. Strip club. Strip club. Five star Yelp reviews might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show. By the way, tell him Hunter sent you. Like what a creep that guy is. That's frightening. Had a blast there. Super professional while also being fun. Got champagne and relaxed with friends. Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable. Bought two bottles of winter whiskey. Wound up being way less than I thought it would be. All right. Yeah, let's go to the one star reviews. We gotta get to the good here. We're gonna find out exactly. Let's, let's, let's look who. Okay, here's an interesting thought. All right. Who wouldn't they. Oh my goodness. Oh boy. Oh, black men. Okay, let's read this one. Mark C. From Manhattan, New York. Oh boy. A guy from Manhattan rolled into this, this joint where this guy's just raw dogging. I mean just bodily fluids being exchanged on every pump, in and out. Just liquids coming out of him. The third most beautiful in Lansing, Michigan. Just fully exposed on the leather. The same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays. And little did they know that the third best lancing just bouncing off of it with a hand that's throwing up gang signs. 247 and here we go. Mark C. Said, I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co workers and friends. I have to say I was very disappointed. We are from out of town, but come to Austin for some conferences. The women here were not attractive and were a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic surgery, ass and back acne. Did you notice this girl had any acne? No, I didn't notice that. Beautiful. The lighting is everything. People, lighting is everything. And there's not really anything about. Oh, okay. We are a racially diverse group. White, black, Indian, and Korean. Other reviews on Google said they ignore black eyes. And I have to say it's true. Oh, my God. Two of my co workers received no attention all night. And guess what? They were black. I noticed it and kind of felt bad, but it is not my establishment. But, yeah, definitely. But, yeah, definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Ricks. Did you notice black men were being ignored there? Honestly, I wasn't looking at anybody. I was on a mission. Can you imagine being a black guy sitting at a strip club? No one's been dancing for you all night. Night. This guy walks in, five minutes later, his pick is out, and there just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it. Oh, my God. Don't eat the food. Terrible. Stay away from this place. I went with my coworker on Friday. I got a few rounds. No issues, man. There's no one else's. You are the only one that's ever at this establishment. Keep reading. Fast. Redband. Let's go back to this. So I got to know, how long do you think you lasted the sex? Like, maybe a minute and a half. Minute and a half. Good job. Good job. Did you leave it in or did you take it out? There's no way. Oh, no. There's no way. No way. I'm just saying. Well, you really think I'm gonna throw her off of me? No. Yeah, well, you can't. Hold on a second. Stop. Everybody leverage. Stop. Everybody shut the Up. You. You came inside of the stripper. Not on purpose. Oh, my God. God. Oh, my God. In 18 years, there's going to be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage. Oh, my God. My friend, that is cerebral. Ballsy. Have you gone back to see. Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant? Oh, hell no. That's why you're not going back. Back. Realistically. Yeah. You went to. Oh, like, honestly, like, as soon as that came, I was like. The first thought I had in my head was, I'm like, this is why I didn't qualify for disability. Yeah, wow. Yeah, exactly. Jimmy Carr. What do you think about. I just hope you do go back. I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman. Because one day in the future, I want this to be. Grandma, Grandpa, how did you meet? And I want this story to come out. Wow. Unbelievable. He's fucking. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband. I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together. One of the toilets was clogged and filled with nasty toilet paper. Bloodied and soiled. And the other two stalls. Yeah. Red band. This is just like your material. Red band showing me his set list from this Thursday. Okay, so you came inside of her. Do you give her 350 right then did you tip anything? Were you like. Well, you should maybe. Did you ask for the change on the 4th hundred even though you came inside of her? I used cash app. Wow. Wow. So you digitally cream pied her bank account like a gentleman. Wow. I gotta tell you, it's been a 24 minute long interview with Ronnie Rohrbeck. The adopted Guatemalan Ewok with the third most beautiful from Lansing, Michigan arrived to Austin, Texas, started cream pine strippers immediately. Just absolutely incredible. I love you, Ronnie. How much material do you think you have all together standup wise? I just did a half hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks ago. You better invite this right now. I'd love to have you on the secret show. Bring him a cupcake. You know what? She's bringing cupcakes. You bring some cream pies. He's not going to be able to catch that soon. Catch it. I. I'm holding the mic in my bad hand, so I actually switch. So it's funny. I'm going for that. I'm going to aim for that right tit so you can, you can cup it right there. You ready, Ronnie? Roar back, ladies and gentlemen. Holy. What an episode. You guys have fun. This is the number one show in all of California comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Talk Space. I'm going to remind you one more time. Zach Brown is at the sphere. December, January 2025, 2026. Santino White Noise is out now on Hulu. He's on tour. Andrew Santino.com of course, bad friends. Jimmy Carr is on a world tour. Australia, New Zealand and the entire world. Jimmy car.com car with 2R. And now you know, even though all of our regulars are always busy, there just happens to be one more comedian left. And there's just one guy that could end an episode like this. It is the hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews on the show. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Duke of Debauchery. He is the Big Red Machine. This is the one and Only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. I was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds. And you know the property where the bat cave is? It's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne. Wait, does Batman owe Bruce Wayne money? I mean, the dude is saving the day all day. And does he ever get a tip? Hell, no. Dude's probably broke as hell. And, you know, the government isn't paying him because the cops, street guys keep trying to shut his ass down. I messed that part up. Thank you. Everybody's talking about how AI is gonna take over the world. Yeah, the movie kind of sucked. This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat. Want to go to antifa prom with me? People always look at birds and say, dang, man, I wish I could fly. But birds are probably looking down at us and saying, dang, man, I wish I could start a conspiracy theory. That's my time. Thank you. Notice all the regulars with exactly a minute tonight, right on the dot. God, I. Pros. I really bombed at the beginning. This is a real rough one tonight. But it seemed okay, I guess. I love you. You're out here. You've done it more than anybody else. You've literally done hours and hours and hours on this show. It is incredible. It's also. It was kind of a great premise, this. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. I know, man. Bruce Wayne thing, that's. There's something in that. Yeah. Go the way you want it tonight, but there's something great, something in there. I agree. Thank you. I agree. Great. William and that weirdo guy was talking about Batman. So I'm thinking, oh, my God, this is gonna be so good. Yeah. I think there's no way this weird guy is talking about Batman. I know you're not calling my new best friend weird. That is Ronnie. Roar back. I know. I'm kidding. He seemed nice. He's a sweet boy. William, how's life been going? What's going on? Tell us. It's been good. Just got back from Salt Lake City. I was there this weekend. The shows were a lot of fun. And then on Sunday morning when I Woke up at 7am I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street. And I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes. Whoa. They were doing it right by their window. And I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl. I swear to God, at first I'm like, is this a mannequin? Is she passed out? I couldn't Tell. Because he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something. I couldn't even tell what was going on. But I watched it for 20 minutes, Tony, and it was very exciting on my Sunday morning. Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all? No. You had to think about it there. I didn't this weekend at all, Tony. I wasn't really in the mood. You didn't masturbate at all? Not at all the week, did you think? Yeah, but then I just wasn't in the mood. Why do you think you weren't in the mood? I don't know, Jimmy. I feel like you're saving it for a subway. Yeah. What? A Subway sandwich place. Like the bathroom of a Subway, I think on the New York subway. I feel like is the right place for you to be masturbating. I know there could be a fun place. Maybe the subway or. What's another good place? Let's think of another place like a McDonald's or something. Maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off. Where else could be? What are some More like a movie theater? Could maybe be a wonderful place, Jack. But what do you really? Maybe like the zoo or something, Tony. Wow. Maybe in front of the penguins. Oh, no, too cold, Tony. Not in there. Whoa. Summer in the zoo, but not with the penguins tonight. Oh, my dick's already small, dude. Oh my God. But where else? Maybe like. Maybe like a gas station. Whoa. What gas station? Huh? Sitka. Maybe a Sitgo or Buc EE's is roomy. I know. Buc EE's. Oh my gosh. How did I not think of BUC EE's? Maybe I could jack off on Bucky. Because Bucky walks around the BUC EE's every day from 10 to 12. 12pm 10am to 12pm wow. So if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there. So maybe that's a good idea. I could just jack off all on him and have a fun rest of the day. I'm sure. I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good. So. Wow. Jacking off on fucking Bucky's nasty hairy fucking ass. Wow. One of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show. And I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again. No, Tony, you need to. And then we can get together. Cause we'll be around each other a lot. If he's here like every Monday. I think I'd be able to charm him, so. Oh, okay. Get the sponsor, maybe. Tony. It appears as if, though William thinks the bucky beaver is a real beaver. A real grown beaver. Jimmy Carr. Can I ask about. When you were watching this couple making love across the street? Was there any eye contact at any point? Did you think they're gonna see me watching them? The guy would look a little bit, but I was down. They were up, like three stories. And then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first. I was sitting on the bed at first, and I was like, wait, I gotta stand up. And then I was standing up and then I was naked. I was naked this entire time. Why were you naked? Just thinking maybe I could help them out. If they see my ass down there, they're gonna be like, oh, my God, this is freaky. That dude's naked down there watching us. So I thought maybe I could help, but they did not see me. But it was exciting. It really was. That is incredible. How did it end? Did you. Did you notice? What? How could you tell me where to get out of there? I had to get my lift because I ordered my lift, like, halfway through, but the lift was taking a while, so that's what. I was able to watch them longer, but then I had to just leave. Amazing. Why? Why Lyft? Why. Why is lift your go? I always look at Lyft and Uber and whatever's cheaper. That's what I go with. Wow. A very thrifty William Montgomery. Shockingly thrifty. Literally rich. Literally. No, I wouldn't say that, Tony. And I wouldn't also say that there's a bunch of weirdos that watch a bunch of really nice people, but weirdos. People don't need to think I have a bunch of money, because I don't, so. Right. The government takes a lot. I mean, there's. It's. It's not really. It's not. So we don't even need to talk about it, right? We really, totally. I love it. There's, like, some strange people that would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment, really worried about what other people think. For a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel window butt naked, I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of wheel. We live in a weird time. There's a bunch of weirdos out there, Tony. I mean, we're in a strange time. I love that. Weirdos. You say there's weirdos everywhere and there's so many. Yeah. What else you been doing for Fun. William. Anything else? Just the fucking row machine. I'm at 1,900,000 meters. Wow. So have you ever thought about jerking off on the row machine? No. I almost vomited the other day. So it would not be. I wouldn't be in the mood right at all. Is there anything else that you're passionate about? Any new snacks in your life? Some butterfingers. Tony. Yep. Wow. This guy's completely bored out of his mind. Look at this guy's face. Do you have a problem with me tonight? You didn't like the first joke? I messed up on the first joke. What are you one of these weirdos that would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment? Are you one of these dudes? Is that where you're looking at me like that? Dumbass. You really think we're not gonna be able to see your face? Dude, you're right there in the light. Yeah. You got caught daydreaming. Bro. That guy's gonna have a panic attack. Right? That is bad. William. Who's that? Who are you with? Your sister? Who's that lady with you? I'm kidding. Is that your. Who is that? That's his girlfriend. Are you ever gonna stop? He just got back from Salt Lake City. Are you ever gonna stop harassing this guy? William? I don't think I'm ever gonna die. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. This is episode is brought to you by Talk Space. White Noise is on Hulu. The great Andrew Santino. Tickets@andrew santino.com Jimmy Carr.com for his tickets. And one more time, what a special treat. The great Zack Brown, Ladies and gentlemen of the Zack Brown Band at the Sphere all of December and all of January, ladies and gentlemen. And don't forget the brand new album Love and Fear comes out on night one of their Sphere performances. Friday, December 5th. Zach. Fun times. Thank you, my friend. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? The drawing room Ryan J. E Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, D. Madness. Look at that. That's amazing. D. It's beautiful. I promise. Did you guys have fun tonight? Red Bam. Guys, check out Jet Ski. Jet Ski Johnson's new podcast. I think. Santina, were you on it? Yeah. It's amazing. Go watch Jet Fuel. Kill Tony. Super alumni Jet Ski Johnson has a podcast now. The great Heidi and Valerie Bond. The Kill Tony Beauties. Have a podcast. Yeah. Check out everything. Thank you to Talk Space and thank you to the live audience. Don't forget New Year's Eve at the Moody center. So you people finally have a chance at seeing Kill Tony live. But you got to do it on New Year's Eve in a big ass arena. It's going to be crazy. We love you. Thank you. Good night everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. It on October 17th. I'm an Angel. See the wings. Don't miss the new comedy Good Fortune starring Seth Rogen, Aziz Ansari and Keanu Re. Critics Rave Eats Heaven Sent me Out of a budget Guardian angel kinda. You were very unhelpful. Good Fortune Directed by Aziz Ansari. Rated R. It's okay not to be perfect with finances. Experian is your big financial friend and here to help. Did you know you can get matched with credit cards on the app? Some cards are labeled no Ding decline, which means if you're not approved, they won't hurt your credit scores. Download the Experian app for free today. Applying for no Ding decline cards won't hurt your credit scores if you aren't initially approved. Initial approval will result in a hard inquiry which may impact your credit scores. Experian.