#740 - FLUFFY + SAL VULCANO

Summary

Kill Tony #740 - FLUFFY + SAL VULCANO

Recorded Live at the Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX – October 21, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony is a raucous, guest-packed spectacle featuring Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias and Sal Vulcano (of Impractical Jokers) joining Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban at Austin’s Comedy Mothership. Live bucket comedy, panel riffing, and backstage banter merge into a night of standout debuts, unfiltered crowd work, and memorable returns, including Kill Tony regulars and hall-of-famers.
The night is a comedic mix of raw open mics, sincere interviews, wild premises, and classic roast energy.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Opening & Introductions [03:22]

• Tony hypes the crowd, introducing the full band and sponsors.
• Welcomes Fluffy and Sal as “two of the best comedians on Earth,” to big fanfare.

2. Bucket Set Highlights & Interviews

These segments feature comics picked at random for a 1-minute set, followed by interviews and panel feedback.

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Drew Nickens – Triumphant Return [07:16]

• Set highlights: Jokes about being confused for a Love on the Spectrum contestant, weed making him paranoid, dominoes as “flat dice,” and lesbians with braces as “box cutters.”
• Tony, Sal, and Fluffy riff on his fashion (“Steve Harvey collection”), his casino story, and his six months off the show.
• Notable moment: Drew describes almost drowning in a float tank while thinking about Gilmore Girls and wrestling.
• Quote:
  • Sal: “It’s crazy you found the only shirt louder than yourself.” [11:24]

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J.D. Madison – First Time on Stage [13:45]

• Set highlights: Coming out about straight guys testing their sexuality, K-pop-obsessed kids, and Halloween costume racial lines.
• Reveals it’s his first-ever stand-up set (age 42), inspired by losing his dad during COVID.
• Panel commends his confidence and stage presence.
• Wins a joke book for the effort.

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Mike Holloway – Raw Vulnerability [22:07]

• Set highlights: Sweaty balls, names his balls Romulus and Remus, jokes about his dick “liking to hang right.”
• Shares about family dynamics (only, middle, oldest child), long dating dry spell, and living with HPV.
• Candidly discusses ex-girlfriend now in jail for kidnapping and torture.
• Quote:
  • Tony (on Mike's love life): "You got a girlfriend chained up to a radiator right now somewhere?" [26:13]
  • Mike: "Haven’t dated anybody in about seven or eight years…"

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Ernest Evans, Sr. – Army Vet & Producer [31:14]

• Set highlights: Moving to a white neighborhood, his Army buddies’ n-word jokes, awkward moments with his kid’s white friends.
• Reveals he's a process improvement specialist, Army vet, and now a grandfather.
• Discusses three gym memberships (“YMCA, LA Fitness, and CrossFit”), and the utility of free child care at the Y.
• Shares story of his high school sweetheart’s infidelity.
• Quote:
  • Tony: "How did you find out this white devil was cheating on you?" [36:46]
  • Ernest: "She said the baby was grabbing my neck. I tell you a goddamn lie. The baby two days old, ain’t even that strong." [37:12]

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Pamela Galvez – High Energy and Mischief [40:17]

• Set highlights: Jokes about her boyfriend’s pediatrician visits, wishing she was a female seahorse (who impregnates males).
• Twerks onstage, shares her weight gain journey, boasts about food in Texas.
• Panel has fun at her kinetic, chaotic energy and tangents about carbs and dating.
• Quote:
  • Tony: "Are you a little drunk, Pamela?" [45:08]
  • Pamela: "No, I’m just excited and nervous to be here. Okay, I was gonna ask the same. Are you genuinely just stone sober right now? Yeah, I mean, I have like some tequila, of course, but that’s it." [45:10]

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Ari Matti – International Regular [46:51]

• Set highlights: Jokes about the American obsession with sugar—“You guys put sugar on your Advil!” and Dunkin’ Donuts excess.
• Riffs on the lack of women at Kill Tony fan meetups, bemoans festival lineups (ACL), e-bike issues.
• Quote:
  • Ari: “If you start your day with a donut, the last thing you need is another donut.” [49:46]
  • Ari (on fans): “Every time I go out, it’s all dudes… we need more bitches at Kill Tony.” [51:08]

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Julio – Unforgettable Debut [68:13]

• Set highlights: Surreal, chaotic jokes about his Puerto Rican family, Jesus camp to ‘pray the gay out,’ dating, and identity.
• What follows is a wild 17-minute segment of language confusion, sexual ambiguity, Tony trying to decipher his jokes, and Julio sharing dozens of bizarre punchlines.
• Crowd (and panel) chants his name multiple times.
• Surprise: Julio reveals he has three sons after everyone questions his sexuality for the entire set.
• Tony calls Julio’s mom, Esperanza, live on air for clarification about his life and sexuality.
• Quote:
  • Tony: “This is a Cinderella story, man. Get on your bike and head to San Anto, bro.” [84:23]
  • Sal (after a long interview): “Still don’t know. Gay or straight. We will never know. Doesn’t matter. Julio killed it.” [86:00]
  • TIMELESS MOMENT: Julio wins over the crowd with his earnestness and launches one of the wildest, most endearing segments in show history. [68:13–102:43]

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Chris Miller – “Ding Dong Ditch” Fiasco [87:54]

• Set highlights: Story about childhood pranks crossing racial lines (“ding dong ditch” vs… other names).
• The panel and audience are confused by his punchline, leading Tony to bring back Julio to “translate” the joke (to hilarious, fruitless effect).

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Jordan Yates – Cowboy Comic [103:51]

• Set highlights: Marriage jokes about beard stubble, “eating a peach through a cheese grater,” Olive Garden parmesan tags.
• Reveals a background in stand-up, youth pastoring, and corporate sales.
• Showcases smooth code-switching between comic/cowboy/youth pastor/real estate modes, speaks French.
• Quote:
  • Tony: “You’re like a Matthew McConaughey wrapped in an Action Bronson.” [107:08]

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David Lucas (Hall of Fame Regular) [112:22]

• Set highlights: Sardonic take on “black noise” (cop handcuff videos), fantasy football as “virtual slavery.”
• Classic crowd roasting, including race, panel, and Sal Vulcano.
• Kills with a joke about “fat guy Rain Man” and insults about Tony’s invisible looks.
• Quote:
  • David: "I've been falling asleep to black noise lately. It's just videos of cops putting handcuffs on niggas..." [112:23]
  • On Tony: “You look like an invisible friend. You ask your kids what their friend looks like, they draw this.” [118:31]

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Dom Lamarca – The Stoner with Energy [121:32]

• Set highlights: Three months “clean” (showers), fired from jobs, rolling burritos high, DoorDash stories.
• Banters about board games (Exploding Kittens), his feminine energy, and plan B delivery.
• Lighthearted interviews about roommate life and dating on a budget.

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William Montgomery – The Finale [131:31]

• Set highlights: Amy Schumer/Ozempic joke, interventions, and the “ring and run” childhood game debate (“I’ve never heard of the racial element…”).
• Hilarious Q&A on his favorite candy, a gross-out cyst story, and a Memphis family update.
• Quote:
  • William: “It squirted out of my face and hit the mirror with such force it splashed...” [133:57]
  • Tony (on William’s haircut): “It’s like when a scruffy dog gets a cute haircut.” [132:40]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Julio’s wild ride: “I used to be gay. I went to one of those pray-the-gay-away Jesus camps, and now I’m having all kinds of heterosexual sex.” [69:11]
• Tony to Fluffy about cars: “You have the biggest collection, I think, of Volkswagen buses, right?” [120:16]
• Sal on confusing sets: “I didn’t think I would understand someone less than Pamela.” [71:52]
• Pamela: “Yes, I want to get you pregnant, you pregnant, you pregnant. Hey, hey, aim that…” [45:40]
• David Lucas: “Three hundred years later, we still can’t make money off a white man’s back. There’s no goddamn fantasy pickleball league.” [112:23]
• Redban's confusion over regional childhood pranks: “Back in the day ding dong and ditch was called something else...” [91:27]
• Tony on audience reception: “If he (Julio) would have pulled out another piece of paper, I would have just done the rest of the show with him.” [86:17]

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

[07:16] – Drew Nickens' return and Steve Harvey shirt jokes
[13:45] – JD Madison’s first-ever set
[22:07] – Mike Holloway’s “HPV special” interview
[31:14] – Ernest Evans Sr.'s “n-word like Frank’s Red Hot” routine
[40:17] – Pamela Galvez’s high-energy, tequila-fueled appearance
[46:51] – Ari Matti’s “fat Americans” and sugar on Advil
[68:13–102:43] – Julio’s chaotic, groundbreaking interview
[112:22] – David Lucas: Black noise, fantasy football, and epic roasts
[121:32] – Dom Lamarca: DoorDash, board games, and stoner vibes
[131:31] – William Montgomery: cyst confession and candy list

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Conclusion

A classic Kill Tony–electric energy, lightning-paced exchanges, killer improvisation, and one breakout moment after another. Fluffy and Sal Vulcano riffed in their signature styles, Kill Tony regulars delivered roast gold, and Julio’s debut stands out as a must-see podcast moment, capturing the off-the-rails spontaneity that fans love.

Bonus:
Julio and his mother, Esperanza, joined for a live, bilingual, revealing phone call [95:18], generating one of the most unique callbacks in show history.

For anyone who missed it:
This episode is a riotous parade of unfiltered talent, unpredictable audience participation, and comedic chaos—with a few unexpectedly heartwarming asides. Don’t miss the Julio/Esperanza saga or David Lucas’s lightning roasts.

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Find more at:

• TonyHinchcliffe.com
• FluffyGuy.com
• SalVulcanoComedy.com

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🎤 Kill Tony #740: comedy chaos, revealed—one bucket at a time.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

[B]

This episode of Kill Tony and every.

[A]

Episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and.

[B]

Anywhere you get podcasts.

[A]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[B]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever.

[A]

Shop Squad tv.

[B]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Let's go.

[A]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Big noise for Brian Ray Band, ladies and gentlemen, Live in the flesh. And oh my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. We have a real fly here again. Fuck yeah. Back door must be open. I love it. We need the zapper. We need our tennis racket zapper. We got the great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dee's on the keys, and this is D Madness on the bass guitar. Ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by Nick Talk Space and Quo. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Some days call for working up a sweat, working on your passion and endless action.

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CBS and streaming on Paramount. You guys ready to start tonight's show, huh? Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on. This week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best guests in the show's history, two of the best comedians on all of planet Earth. Make some noise for Fluffy and Sal Volcano, everybody. Oh, yeah. They are on their feet. Sal Volcano, the great Bundy, ladies and gentlemen. Bundy and Sal. Oh, my God. The place is in a rocket.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Yes. The crowd is electric. Surprise.

[B]

I don't know if you guys are excited that it's us or that you didn't pay for us.

[A]

Yeah, it's always a big surprise.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Table of very happy thick Latino men over there that are just out of control right now. Relax, gentlemen. Relax over there. This is gonna be like the fucking super bowl halftime show. Bunch of thick Mexicans in the fucking floral shirts going ballistic over here. Fluffy is back, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour. Fluffyguy.com and the Long awaited return of the great Sal Volcano. He's on tour. Chicago, New York, Nashville. The Chicago Theater, Beacon Theater, Ryman Theater. Saw Volcano, comedy dot com. You guys have been on this show before. You know how it works. But look at how stacked this bucket is. I mean, hundreds and hundreds of names literally overflowing to the top. You guys know how it works. I pick a name, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know, their time is up and hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. They get feedback from my esteemed panel. We're going to have a lot of fun. The entire thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm gonna let this guy that looks like every murder documentary that kills his wife pick the first name. Wow. Right off the middle top, a real simple fuck you are, huh? Didn't even dig in there at all. Unbelievable. You suspicious motherfucker. I feel like I caught you off guard, predicting that you're gonna eventually kill your wife here. And you're just like, okay, let's just keep this moving while we go wrangle that comedian, that first very lucky bucket poll. I have one of the most interesting golden ticket winners in the show's history here to start tonight. We have not had him on this show for six months straight because there was a big competition in Nashville, Tennessee, and the person who had the least response had to take six months away from the show. He has been working so hard at so many open mics continuously for this moment right now that will start tonight's episode. This is the long awaited return a brand New minute from Drew Nickens.

[B]

Hi. I love that Kill Tony's on Netflix. But if one more person asks me if I'm gonna be on Love on the Spectrum next year, I'm gonna have a fucking meltdown. Cause I know I have my issues. I'm not the first black comic you can't understand on stage. And I have trouble regulating my emotions. Y' all saw Nashville, and I'm not trying to go on a date that consists of figuring out every number in pie and a dinner of Dino Nuggies and Conquestables. But the train museum would be fucking sick. Am I right? I can't smoke weed because I don't want to kill people. But if I did smoke weed, my thoughts would make a lot more sense. Like, I think dominoes are just flat dice. I think of a Troy. I think if a trans man has a better beard than me, it's cheating because they're using performance enhancing drugs. I think Shaggy rescued Scooby Doo from an Asian household. Cause how else would Scooby Doo say Lululemon?

[A]

Ruh.

[B]

Roh. And I think lesbians can't wear braces, because if they did, they'd be called box cutters. Really tagging that pussy up. Thank y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

That's my time. Look at that.

[A]

Drew Nickens squeezing in a full minute 30. We're let. Let him go. Great stuff, Drew.

[B]

Thank you for having me. Tony. I'm glad to be here.

[A]

Heck, yeah. You look fantastic, dude.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Wow. I mean, wow. Sometimes I forget you are black.

[B]

Hell, yeah, brother.

[A]

Whoa, look out.

[B]

I wasn't gonna say that word, John. Don't worry.

[A]

I love it. I forget you're black, and then you come with a shirt from the Steve Harvey collection over here. I mean, look at that thing. That is incredible. Where do you get a shirt like that, Drew?

[B]

The Polo Ralph Lauren Polo Outlet.

[A]

Wow. The outlet?

[B]

Yeah. $75?

[A]

Hell, yeah. And you get your hair cut from the electrical outlet?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing, Drew. So tell us about these six months off. What's it been like for you? You've been working hard.

[B]

So the first month was a little crazy, little tough. But I was like, you know what? I. I'm never going to give up on my dream. And so I went and I did 90 minutes a week of standup, no matter where it was three people, 300 people. Whatever I could do, I was there to do it. And I opened for Adam Ray in July, and I did really well in front of a thousand people in my old casino.

[A]

Your old casino?

[B]

He owned a Casino?

[A]

Yeah. You had your own casino, bro. You're.

[B]

No, no, no. I used to. I used to lose a lot of money at this casino in Toppenish. A shit ton. Me, too, bro. Yeah? Hell, yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah. I love it, Drew. Well, fantastic stuff. You don't. You've never smoked weed before?

[B]

I don't smoke weed. I haven't smoked weed in three years.

[A]

Okay. What was it like when you were smoking weed?

[B]

I was very paranoid and very sad.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

It didn't work that way. And I was like, you know what? Junior say, I'll smoke weed. And you know what? He did, so let's not do that.

[A]

Okay. That's an interesting way of looking at it.

[B]

A hell of a segue.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just say you don't like the Chargers, bro. I am a commander's fan, dog.

[A]

All right. Well, Drew, amazing stuff. What'd you think about Drew? Sal, I.

[B]

It was good to see you again. Last time I was here, you were here, so. It's nice to see you again. It's crazy you found the only shirt louder than yourself, but, yeah, you look surprised to be here, even though you know damn well that you're here, which I like. That's what I like about you. There's always a very surprise. You look surprised. Right. Now that I'm speaking.

[A]

You did it, Drew. You came back. Very funny set. Great stuff. Way to get the show started.

[B]

Thank you so much. Can I just say that. That joke about the flat dice, I'm like, how many people were like, oh, my God, I've never.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I cannot unsee that. I was like, yeah. Wow. Okay.

[A]

It's amazing.

[B]

Great personality. And I'm the guy that drowned in a float. Almost drowned in a float. Take, like, two weeks ago.

[A]

Wait, how did you almost drown in a float tank?

[B]

Okay, so I was. I was thinking about. How do you not look surprised at that? So. So I was thinking about Gilmore Girls and wrestling while I was in the float tank.

[A]

And we're thinking about what?

[B]

Gilmore Girls. The TV show and wrestling Gilmore Girls.

[A]

Wow. And that's an interesting combination.

[B]

I know, right? Rory, she's a piece of shit anyways, but. But I was relaxing, and then I fell asleep, and then I just kind of went all the way down, and I was just like, oh, and it's 10 inches of water. 10 inches is a lot. Ayo. And, yeah, I woke up and I was like, oh, shit. I don't want to get out of this giant airpod, because if I do, they're going to know something's Wrong. So I sat cross legged for 15 minutes. Yeah, it was embarrassing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then someone recognized me and like, I was like really quiet. It was awkward, but it's pretty cool. Glad you made it, bro. So then it's true what they say about black people in swimming. Yeah.

[A]

10 inches of water. Drew Nickens, you did it, buddy. Congratulations. He's back. The return of Drew Nickens, the record holder for most appearances ever on one episode of the show. His first night on the show, he came out like 11 times. Anything can happen. This is our first bucket pool of the night, everybody. We're gonna meet these people all together, make some noise for this person. It's A minute from J.D. madison, everybody. Here we go.

[B]

What's up, y'? All? I'm gonna stage dive after, so you two get ready to catch. All right? Now the headline tomorrow would be three dead, seven injured, 16 missing. But so, yeah, I have a lot of intrusive thoughts, one of which is like, I don't think you can really call yourself straight until you jack off the gay porn for the first time. So think about it like if you're over 30. We grew up with that AIDS crisis and our parents telling us gay people are bad. So you gotta test that shit out, man. I like to do it once a year, just on my birthday, make sure I'm still good. Little, little gift to myself. Comfort my own sexuality. I am straight though, so far, but got two kids. My five year old's a little bit of a maniac. She's obsessed with K Pop. Demon Hunter, if you guys know that one. It's really great, but like she wants to be one for Halloween. And I'm trying to figure out how much yellow face is appropriate for a 5 year old. I don't need a repeat of the Little Mermaid incident. So that's my time. I'm JD Madison.

[A]

Thank you, JD Madison. Welcome. Jd. This is your first time on, right?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I love it. And how long you been doing stand up?

[B]

This was my first time. Whoa.

[A]

First time ever. Wow.

[B]

First time ever being on stage. Not on stage, but first time doing stand up? Yeah.

[A]

He's on stage. He's your stand in for.

[B]

I'm your stunt double. 3x4x4x, right? Four. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Wow, look at this.

[B]

It's my guy. It's like this don't work out. You got a job in the back, bro.

[A]

That's an amazing talent, being able to guess how many X's on that guy's shirt.

[B]

I'm impressed.

[A]

You're like fat Guy Rain man or something like that. That is incredible. I never would have known that that's a 4X.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Incredible. What do you do for work, J.D. madison?

[B]

I'm a IT consultant.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Fun stuff.

[A]

All right. And you've been doing that your whole life?

[B]

Consulting for a few years, but I've been in it for, like, 20 years.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

42.

[A]

42. What made you want to start stand up now?

[B]

So, like, I lost my dad during COVID and, you know, the older I get, the more I'm like, man, you're fucking running out of time, dude. Like, do what makes you happy. I love making people laugh. I love that. That's why I'm here. I love that.

[A]

Was your. Was your dad a big guy, too?

[B]

No, he was tall, but he wasn't. You know this, right?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

You mean amazing. It's the greatest thing anyone's ever said to me in my life.

[A]

Fluffy, tell us more. JD what do you do for fun? You have any special skills or talents?

[B]

Well, obviously, I like to cook.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A big Texas barbecue guy. Smoke, you know, all that good stuff. Love basketball. I have Spur season tickets. I'm from San Antonio.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And all that.

[A]

Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Do you ever play basketball or you're just shaped like one?

[B]

No, I mean, when I was a teenager and I. I used to wrestle, like, with my sexuality.

[A]

Okay. Hell, yeah. All right. What's your love life like now?

[B]

I'm married. Two kids, so, you know, it's pretty good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But every year on your birthday, marry. Even though you're married with two kids, you're still testing out to see if you're gay every year. I mean, how do you know if you don't? Could you call that an intrusive thought? Yeah. How intrusive is it? I mean, at least yearly, so I don't know if that's that intrusive yet. It's still intrusive yearly. Yeah.

[A]

What does the wife do for a living?

[B]

She. She actually went to school to be a pediatric psych nurse, but she's married to me now, so she doesn't do that anymore. She. She's a school nurse, actually, so.

[A]

Okay, cool. You ever worry about her banging any of the students? That's the thing that's happening nowadays.

[B]

They're middle schoolers, so they probably have tiny dicks. So far, like, not worried about it. She probably does it once a year just to see if she.

[A]

J.D. madison. So, interesting. 42. How did it feel up there? Is there anything surprisingly different that shocked you about your first time.

[B]

No, I mean, stage was small. I didn't expect this many laughs, that's for sure. So I'm really happy about that. But it's great, man.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. Amazing. All right, J.D. well, you have a whole thing ahead of you. Even though it was. It was. It was just okay. It was great for a first time set.

[B]

Better than my first set. Yeah, better than my first set. So way to go. Thank you, man. Great confidence, man.

[A]

You're leaving here with a big joke book. There you go. Boom. Right into that, Right into the tent. Great. Catch the old titty.

[B]

Catch your dad. Your dad's looking down on you right now, man.

[A]

No problem.

[B]

I'm just wondering if you're gay or not.

[A]

But yeah, There he goes. J.D. madison, everybody. All right, so you get it. The show has begun. And straight into our. Oh, my God.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

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[A]

Join millions of users and sign up for America's number one fantasy sports. Speaking of fantasy, download the prize picks app today and use Code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Tony to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup lineup. Prize picks. It's good to be right. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Everybody goes by the name of Mike Holloway. Everyone. Here we go. Here comes Mike Holloway.

[B]

Every time I shower, I dry off. And then over the next few minutes, every bit of moisture that I missed from my entire body travels to my balls and stays there. Somehow, even the water I missed from my legs defies gravity and ends up there. And I have to dry my balls twice. So since all roads lead to Rome, I decided to call my balls Romulus and Remus. It's an ancient Roman history joke. It's also a joke about my balls. Twofer.

[A]

That one hits the highbrow and the low brow.

[B]

Moving on to my dick. My dick likes to hang to the right, but I like it on the left. We're always going back and forth about it.

[A]

All right, Mike Holloway, Old Wet Balls Holloway. Welcome back to the show. Mike, I remember you being here because your face is absolutely unforgettable. It is an incredible thing. Remind us, Mike, how long you've been on stand up?

[B]

About six years.

[A]

Six years. Where at?

[B]

Mostly in Kansas City.

[A]

And what do you do for work?

[B]

I'm a cook.

[A]

You're a cook?

[B]

Pizza Planet.

[A]

Right. Where are you a cook?

[B]

At Tapville.

[A]

Okay. What do you mostly make? What's your specialty? Salisbury steak?

[B]

No, we do steak. We do pastas, we do burgers.

[A]

Awesome. What do you do for fun when you're not working, Mike, and you're not doing stand up? You look like you have some real creepy fucking hobbies. Pick up chicks outside of a hot Topic or something like that. You look like you sometimes work part time letting people onto festival rides or.

[B]

No, I don't really do a whole lot besides Work in comedy right now, but I like to play beach volleyball.

[A]

Really?

[B]

When?

[A]

In Kansas City, I was on a beach volleyball team. I never would have guessed beach volleyball. That's incredible.

[B]

There's a ball involved.

[A]

That's true. Sometimes it rolls into the water, it gets wet. You're playing with wet balls all over again. Mike, anything crazy about your family, your history, your childhood, anything that you think makes you different than everybody else in the world?

[B]

I was an oldest child, a middle child, and an only child.

[A]

Okay, so you were an only child. And then there was a kid.

[B]

My doctor mom and my dad.

[A]

Mother.

[B]

Between my mom and my dad, I was the only child. My dad had two older kids before me and then two younger. So I'm a middle child there. And then I was the oldest of.

[A]

My mom's kids, so. Wow. Yeah, they were divorced, like, when I. When I was, like, a year old. Okay. Fuck. Yeah. Nothing to really go on. Not much to work with there. Let's check in with Romulus and Remus down there.

[B]

Do you have any kids? No. No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That I know of.

[A]

It's crazy that you don't have any kids because you have the face of an actual sperm. That's an amazing face. What's your love life like? You got a girlfriend chained up to a radiator right now somewhere? It's the last date you went on. What was that like?

[B]

I haven't dated anybody in about seven or eight years.

[A]

Why do you think that is, exactly?

[B]

Cause I have hpv.

[A]

Like, wow. How do you get HPV from aggressively masturbating?

[B]

That's what I do now.

[A]

So let's talk about the hpv. How did you get it? Tell us about this magical night.

[B]

This took a turn quickly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

I just keep digging until I find something extremely interesting, like an HPV breakout. You are the breakout star of the night so far. You have an HPV special coming out on hpv. All right.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. Do you remember the night that you got it?

[B]

No. No, I don't. I don't know when I got it.

[A]

I.

[B]

There was a period where it could.

[A]

Have been a number of dirty slots. Wow. So. It's amazing, dude. Yeah.

[B]

I was just having empathy for you. Yeah, right. You thought something happened to him, and then you realized you probably paid for that. 8:30. Sweet guy.

[A]

You were honest. You don't have to share that.

[B]

Then you went just like, it's dirty. Slut did it to me.

[A]

It's amazing. You haven't been on a date 8, 6, 7, 8 years or whatever you said. And meanwhile, you were such a dirty dirt ball back in the day that you don't even know how you got it.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I grew up fat like I was. Me too. Yeah. I was almost £400.

[A]

Whoa. That's like a. That's like a 4X.

[B]

Yeah, it's actually a 5.

[A]

So what's it like? How often do you see like a breakout or something like that? What's it like? Is it on your balls? Your penis? Total cauliflower dick. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible.

[B]

What's it smell like?

[A]

Red band. Why would you say something like that? There's children watching around the world right now. That is a disgusting thing. What does it smell like? Have you ever smelled it? Have you ever, like, touched it?

[B]

I smell it. But red band, if you really want to smell it, I might let you smell it.

[A]

Wow. Red bands. Never been near any kind of cauliflower before, so this is very exciting. He avoids vegetables at all costs.

[B]

Are you saying it's.

[A]

You're. You're broken out right now? You got it. You got it.

[B]

It's not a breakout thing. It's just like always. Always have.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

David off.

[A]

Oh, my God. It just looks like the joker's face paint down there. Do you know how I got these? Do you know how I got. Because I don't know how I got this. That is incredible. So have you ever, like. Have you ever, like, told a girl and she's like, I'm down, I don't care.

[B]

Yeah, My last girlfriend.

[A]

Wow. Tell us about her.

[B]

She was crazy, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Last I heard she was serving a 12 year service prison sentence for kidnap, rape or not rape. Kidnap, Torture. They like. Oh, torture. Oh, good. Okay. Thank God. Thank God. This almost got weird.

[A]

Do you know what she did? How did she kidnap and torture somebody? You must have got.

[B]

I don't know all the details, but what I heard was that they had somebody in like a dog kennel cage and they were like beating them and.

[A]

Throwing hot like boiling water on them.

[B]

And cutting them and stuff like that.

[A]

Wow. I mean, we do that to Drew Nickens like once a month. But that's crazy that this was.

[B]

Well, after we. She broke up with me.

[A]

Yeah. What a.

[B]

What the. Does that do to your self esteem?

[A]

Absolutely amazing. You got a little joke book last time you were on.

[B]

I got a big one.

[A]

Okay. Well, there you go. There he goes. He's did it again. Mike Holloway, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving. Wow. That. That woman's in prison with an HPV cauliflower. Pussy right now. Amazing.

[B]

Imagine the lips on her. Wow.

[A]

Red band. This episode is brought to you by Nicked Talk Space and Quo. Make some noise for your third bucket pool of the night. It's Ernest Evans, Sr. Everybody. Hell yeah, man.

[B]

I just moved into a safe, white neighborhood. I know Lofty goes, white people.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

But now my kids got white friends. And I can't say the shit that I normally say around my kids. Cause they got white friends. I mean, I don't say the N word a lot, but my friends, they use the N word like Frank's Red Hot. They put that nigga on everything. So I'm taking my daughter and her little white friend to get some ice cream, you know what I'm saying? Bumping some two chains. And my phone rings on Bluetooth. It's one of my army buddies. The first thing out of his mouth is, nigga, nigga. I'm like, hey, hold on, bro. Chill out. Chill out. I got a little white girl in the car. He like, oh, nigga, you kidnapping now. I'm like, no, bro, no shit. We just going to get some ice cream. Shit. Chill out. So meanwhile, I'm looking back in the rearview mirror, she looking at me smiling.

[A]

And shit, like she ain't on the joke.

[B]

I say, don't worry. She says, don't worry. My daddy says it all the time. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm Ernest, man.

[A]

Fantastic. Ernest Evans, Sr. Making his Kill Tony debut. Welcome, Ernest Evans, Sr. Tlc, baby.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

What's up? Have you been on this show before?

[B]

Yeah, about a year. Year to this date. Matt Rife was the okay? Yes, sir.

[A]

Well, welcome back. I remember you now.

[B]

Yeah. I appreciate you. You.

[A]

They say, forget it. How's life been since your last time on?

[B]

Good, man. Producing shows around here, being funny, trying to get in, man. Hbo, Help a brother out.

[A]

I love it. Went from HPB to hbo. Incredible. Amazing. Ernest, remind us, what do you do for work, man?

[B]

I'm a veteran, 22 years in the army, but now I work for the state. Hell, yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

You work for the state?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

What do you do for the state?

[B]

I'm a management analyst. A what? Process improvement specialist.

[A]

Process improvement specialist.

[B]

Oh, now you. Now you know. Yeah, I know. You got it. Wu Tang.

[A]

What is a process?

[B]

Can you give us a third explanation?

[A]

What is a process improvement?

[B]

So I just take all the processes that we do in the state and try to streamline them, make them efficient, make them better. You couldn't lead with that. Well, should I? I knew you knew. I didn't know. Like, Sal. I don't know why he's working, though. He's fucking funny. I appreciate that, sir. You're funny. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Thank you.

[A]

It's amazing.

[B]

You are very funny.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

The confidence is next level, too. I love this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

People say I look like Jamie Foxx.

[A]

So.

[B]

I'm gonna make it do what it do, baby. It was pretty cool. In a minute, you had, like. It was a. A full. It felt like a set. In a minute, you had a beginning, a middle, and end. Yes. That's like. That doesn't happen a lot. So it was nice to see, like, something that well rounded in a minute. Yeah. Well, thank you.

[A]

It is amazing. Ernest, what do you do for. What do you do for fun when you're not performing?

[B]

Fish, I'm trying to do this full time. I'm trying to quit my job, man. I'm trying to. All that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. So jokes. Fish, chill with the kids. Kids.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What?

[A]

What?

[B]

Your grandfather. I am. I got two grandkids.

[A]

Wow, look at you.

[B]

Done a lot of shit. You look very young. The only reason I think you're older is because of the gray. But otherwise, you know, I guess that's it. Yeah. Black don't crack, right? They don't. It don't. Well, I got three gym memberships, so that shit better pan out. Well, you took mine, you can keep it. All right. You probably don't want this. Planet Fitness.

[A]

Why do you have three gym memberships?

[B]

Well, CrossFit got down the YMCA because I'm 45, got kids and shit. You know what I'm saying? And then LA Fitness. Okay, you already know. He Mexican. They be all, LA fitness. Live fitness. Live fitness, baby.

[A]

Amazing stuff. Ernest. What. What exactly do you do at the ymca? What's different at the Y that you don't have at LA Fitness?

[B]

Free child care.

[A]

Free child care?

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Tony, I don't understand. Explain that. I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

Show up to that, you'd be like, hey, take these kids. Hey, take them. You go work out.

[A]

Wow, I didn't know. That's awesome. I didn't know they had that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. For real. But I won't be at the gym, though. I go to the club and come back.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Go up and back. Hey, I'm streamlining processes.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Amazing.

[B]

Hell, yeah. Yeah, man.

[A]

Wow. What's it like being a grandfather? Tell us about that, man.

[B]

That's lovely, bro.

[A]

Like, because you're young for a grammar.

[B]

Yeah, I'm 45. I had kid when I was young, so got my high school Sweetheart pregnant at 18.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Thought we was going to be together. Went to ait. She was cheating on me and shit. So came back and I was like, damn, now I gotta join the army, man. So that's how it happened.

[A]

It's a black woman.

[B]

Nah, she white.

[A]

She's a white woman and she was cheating on you like a motherfucker. How did you find out that she was cheating on you? How did you find out this white devil was cheating on you?

[B]

Man, I came back home and she hickies and on her neck, I was like, oh, hell no.

[A]

Oh, hell no. It's right.

[B]

Hey, who is somebody out here with they side chick right now?

[A]

Yep, yep. This guy's gonna murder her eventually. So she had hickeys on her neck and you asked about it? Did she try to make up an excuse or anything?

[B]

You know, she did talk.

[A]

Yeah. What? What did she say? What did this white bitch say?

[B]

She said the baby was grabbing my neck. I tell you a goddamn lie. The baby, two days old, ain't even that strong. What's that? Is that in your set? You ever talk about that on stage? Yo, do that. That's right there. You should do that. I got it right now. Yeah, I should. Yeah.

[A]

I love es the drummer.

[B]

Hold on, let me ask the drummer if I should put it in my set. No offense, I love you, but.

[A]

My goodness. And did she end up admitting it? Did she end up coming clean that she was cheating on you? Or did she lie down to the very end?

[B]

Man, cheaters don't admit shit, bruh.

[A]

Yeah, still it.

[B]

Admit it to this day. But we cool now, so.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah, until she see this, right?

[A]

Yeah, hell yeah, until she see this shit. Ernest Evans, you got a big joke book last time you were on. I did?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Did you already fill it up?

[B]

I did.

[A]

Well, here's another one, my friend. Boom.

[B]

And Ernest, I'd love to have you.

[A]

On the Secret Show Thursday. The Secret show this Thursday, Ernest Evans Sr. Being booked on a real comedy gig here in Austin, Texas. How fun. Oh, hello again. Geez, you're always there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When we were young, we used to dream of being anything. An astronaut, the president, a fireman. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, start dreaming of owning your own business. How about. Yeah, you'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. Thankfully, that's where today's sponsor, Shopify comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. A lot like Heidi's new podcast, Love on the Line. With hundreds of ready to build templates, Shopify helps you build online stores to match your brand style. Red band Tony.

[B]

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[A]

I Shopify all the time.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[B]

Shop Etsy for holiday decor that makes you feel seen. Special starts on Etsy. Tap the banner to shop.

[A]

Now. We're just going to keep flying right through it. Your next bucket pole, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Pamela Galvez. Everyone, Pamela Galvez. Hi, everybody.

[B]

So my boyfriend, he still goes to the pediatrician. This is a true story. I've been with him to the pediatrician twice, and his pediatrician used to see his little baby balls, and now he gets to see where he empties his balls. I know I'm fresh. I usually like to ask people, hola.

[A]

If you could be an animal, which.

[B]

Animal would you want to be? If I could be an animal, ladies.

[A]

I want to be a female seahorse.

[B]

Because the female seahorse, the guys, they fight over her, and then whoever wins takes her out on dates. And then she nuts her eggs into his sack and she leaves him pregnant with 500 babies and she's out. So, like the female seahorse, I'm out.

[A]

Wow. Pamela Galvez. I guess that was a comedy set. Something like that. Pamela. Okay, let's talk about it. Hola.

[B]

We both made the same face when she twerked, right? Yeah. Everyone's like, oh, different.

[A]

Yeah. One way to get them laughing. Okay, all right, all right, all right. It does smell like a seahorse up here all of a sudden. My goodness. Deep madness is sensitive to smells. Pamela, Pamela, how long you been doing? Stand up Four years. Where at? All of it in Austin.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

All of it in Austin, Texas.

[B]

Austin, Miami, New York, la, All Everywhere.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Bahamas. I even did a show in the Bahamas.

[A]

Wow. Incredible.

[B]

Hope you got that.

[A]

What?

[B]

Hope you got that. Do you do it in so many places? Because the place you do it in won't have you back. I'm kidding. You're a firecracker.

[A]

It's just.

[B]

I'm intimidated. I am. Listen, everybody. So I just wanted to say, you know, usually everybody's day. Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I just lost 25 pounds. Well, I just want to say I've gained 35 pounds.

[A]

Wow. There's some fat people cheering for you out there.

[B]

Let's celebrate weight gain.

[A]

Okay. All right. I don't know what RFK Jr would say about that, but how do you do do it? What? You're so proud of your weight gain. Tell us, what's your process? How exactly are you packing on the pounds?

[B]

Wow. I love that she look. Yeah, yeah. I know how it works. I know how it works. Right?

[A]

That's how you know what exactly is. Where are you eating, though? I. I know you're eating, but tell us, what are some of your favorite snacks?

[B]

Hello. This is Texas. I've been eating a lot of steak. The steak is so good.

[A]

It's not the steak. That's the stick in there. That's just straight protein. What type of carbs are you?

[B]

Steak. Oh, God. Potatoes and steak, baby.

[A]

Potatoes and steak. Lots of steak. Okay. I don't believe you. I think there's a lot of sweets in there. And late night carbohydrates. That's my guess. A lot of dulce de leche. Okay, again, Bad bunny performing the super bowl halftime show.

[B]

Yes, that's right. Cause Cam was there, you know? Yeah, right.

[A]

Okie dokie. Okay. What's your love life like? Pamela, it seems like you would annoy the absolute dickens out of a human being. They would just. They would lie about having cauliflower dick just to get away from you.

[B]

Something tells me she's eating that cauliflower.

[A]

Only. Steak, steak, steak, steak, steak.

[B]

Cauliflower has no carbs. Some carbs.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's got some. Some fatness to it. Yeah, right? Has some fatness to it. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Pamela, what's your love life like? You got a boyfriend?

[B]

No.

[A]

You date a lot? You on the apps?

[B]

I'm just chilling like a villain, baby.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like a villain.

[A]

I feel like I'm inside a tick tock right now.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Are you a little Drunk Pamela?

[B]

No, I'm just excited and nervous to be here. Okay, I was gonna ask the same. Are you genuinely just stone sober right now? Yeah, I mean, I have like some tequila, of course, but that's it.

[A]

Oh, that's it. Yeah. That doesn't even have alcohol.

[B]

Tequila. Just a tiny bit of tequila.

[A]

All right, Pamela.

[B]

And you want to ejaculate into men and give them five. Yes, I want to get. I want to get you pregnant. You pregnant. You pregnant. Hey, hey, aim that. You pregnant. Aim it over there. Okay. You pregnant. We'll have blue eyed babies. Yeah, let's do it. Come on.

[A]

All right, Pamela.

[B]

We'll have some Mexican babies if I get pregnant.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Well, how's the blind baby if I got you?

[A]

All right, Pamela, over here. Pamela, here. Here's a little joke book. I'm gonna get you out of here before we get. Wow. There she goes. Pamela. Pamela, put the mic in the mic. Sing it the out of here. Literally. No one wants to see you dance. There she goes. Pamela Galvez, everybody. Jesus Christ almighty. All right, let's some fun here.

[B]

Antonia.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think I might be pregnant. She got me a couple times.

[A]

You might be. You might have to move up to a 5x after this.

[B]

Might.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular here that is one of the biggest stars in all of comedy. Here with the brand new minute future citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ari.

[B]

Matty. Uh, I had my first American Advil. Holy shit. First of all, I go to the pharmacy, there's Advil and Advil instant. Who the fuck has a migraine and sees those options and is like, ah, I'll write this out for another 45. Dude, I put this Advil in my mouth and it tastes sweet. You guys put sugar on your medicine. You know, the rest of the world doesn't do that. The miracle is enough. But only in America, even for those two seconds when you're looking for that glass of water, even for those two seconds, can it not be the greatest country on earth, huh? It's gotta be fucking woo. Born in the usa. No wonder you guys are fat. You have sugar on your medicine. The government is trying to kill you. That's the American government. It fixes the migraine but then slips you diabetes on the back end. Boy, you guys are fat. Dude, I went to Dunkin Donuts for the first time. Dude, whatever happened to a plain donut? It was good enough in Dunkin Donuts. Just everything sprinkled, grazed, penetrated. Just fucking.

[A]

Here you Go.

[B]

More sugar. Dunkin Donuts has an early bird special. If you go to dunkin donuts between 7 and 8am and you buy a donut, you get the second one for free. Listen, if you start your day with a donut, the last thing you need is another donut.

[A]

The great, the powerful, the Estonian assassin has done it again. Ari. Matty.

[B]

Wow. What time is that again? Sorry, what time? Between 7 and 8. 7 and 8am.

[A]

Hilarious stuff, my friend. Absolutely incredible. Wow. I never thought of that before. About the sweet.

[B]

Literally the painkiller sugar on it.

[A]

Yeah, Amazing.

[B]

You guys need to relax.

[A]

It is out of control.

[B]

Pill, dude.

[A]

It is out of control.

[B]

You know why though, right?

[A]

Red bands going your bloodstream.

[B]

Faster sugar now, you know that?

[A]

Yeah, any.

[B]

That's what you keep telling yourself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, it actually helps. Nah, it helps. The. The.

[A]

He just sucks the candy part off the Advil, spits it out like a sunflower seed, throws another one in his mouth. Ah, it's good for you. It's a bloodstream. I love it. Ari, you are a huge fucking superstar. You absolutely destroy everywhere you go. Tell us about life a little bit. How's it going? How's it evolving? How's it changing? What's going on? Being a rock star.

[B]

Yeah, it's good. Listen, we need more bitches in the Kill Tony fan group. Every time I go out, it's all dudes. Great set.

[A]

Great set.

[B]

Dude, I love your stuff. And then they try to fix my joke. They're always like, yeah, you should say you raped your sister at the end. Sure, buddy. We need Matt Rife. We need Matt Rife on the panel, everybody.

[A]

Night.

[B]

Where's the bitch's hat? Where's the bitches hat?

[A]

I mean, there's a lot of lovely ladies out here today. I mean, there's a lot of.

[B]

Yeah, everyone's. Every. Every chick here came with their boyfriend and they don't like the show.

[A]

Look at that one. Look how pretty that girl is with the hat and the mustache and the Adam's apple right there.

[B]

What's up, Kid Rock?

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

Good to see you.

[A]

Yeah. So, Ari, I mean, you're out there on the road. What's going on? What else is happening? Crazy. You've been anywhere fun? What do you like? Where you been?

[B]

Just doing gigs, riding my little bicycle around, you know, that's what I do. I ride my little bicycle around.

[A]

You got a bicycle now?

[B]

Yeah, I don't have a driver's license, so. I got to do what I got.

[A]

To do, like an E bike or regular bike? No, Red. Yeah, Red Band wants to know anything.

[B]

That helps it get to the bloodstream.

[A]

So you got a little 10 speed, are you? You got a little 10 speed?

[B]

I just take the hills on old school, dude.

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[B]

E bike. By the way, I've seen two ebikes at Redman's place. They got spider all over it. There's a full civilization around his ebikes. There's a Kill Tony happening on his ebike right now. It's Avatar.

[A]

There's a really are.

[B]

There's a gay little cockroach going, Unbelievable.

[A]

Those are some dusty ebikes at Red Band's house. Even with an electric motor, you can't get his ass out on the streets. No sun absorption. What's. When's the last time you went on a little ebike ride and pressed only motor and never touched the pedal? I can't use them because I can't park anywhere.

[B]

That's why I don't use it. But I use like lime scooters every day.

[A]

But I used it like two weeks ago. Oh wow, look at that. Where'd you go? I just ran my neighborhood and shit. Yeah, Carl. Carl Jr. The Goonies shirt.

[B]

Like let's go exploring. You know they'll find dead bunnies and pedals. Look at Brian. Like.

[A]

You said, there's nowhere to park your E bike. That's why you don't go out. Yeah, like I can't bring it here.

[B]

You know, I can't bring it to most places because it's like people steal that. It's like a six thousand dollar bike.

[A]

Yeah, you don't want it stolen so you better not ever take it out anywhere. You just leave it in your apartment. You don't want it to get stolen. That's why you don't ride your. Your bike.

[B]

No, Duncan lets you park them.

[A]

Dunkin Donis, seven to eight. Double donuts. Double your donuts. Where do you park your bike? Let's help Red band out a little bit. Maybe we can get his fat ass out of the apartment.

[B]

But it is, it is a stress. Like I went to Trader Joe's the other day and then when I. When you see the bike. Whether the what? Steal the rack. This guy knows the rack. I always. Sometimes they're full. So you try to pick. Because my bicycle is nice. So I try to pick which bike to put my bike next to. And I tried to tell a story of what this guy's lifestyle is like. So I try to find like a nice bike to Go with my nice bike. And then, dude, like a week ago I come out and my bike is just hanging like all fucked up. And I saw who that motherfucker. It was an E bike, by the way.

[A]

Of course, those E bike people just.

[B]

Took his bicycle, left mine in the dirt. I'm gonna find him. I'm gonna go to Trader Joe's every day. I'm gonna kill this mother.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Cause I'm obsessed about scratchers, dude. They have like. There's three new scratchers on my bicycle, dude. I almost fucking rented a U Haul and drove through a fucking Sabrina Carpenter concert at acl. Feel my pain. Just fucking vapes and labubus flying.

[A]

Oh my God, so funny, dude.

[B]

ACL has a lot of these whores, dude.

[A]

Oh yeah, it really is.

[B]

And I'm 33 and when I look at young girls now, I don't want to fuck em anymore. I just want to raise em, you know, just tie a bitch down and yell at her like. Dressed like this, huh? There's a breeze coming.

[A]

Did you partake in any of the ACL activities?

[B]

Fuck no. It's a pretentious fucking festival full of fucking faith.

[A]

Terrible lineups.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, terrible. Well, get the fuck outta here. Sabrina Carpenter shirt. I want to become a. Yeah. As we all know, the great Sabrina. Out of here, dude.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Outside in a porta potty. $400 tickets, dude.

[A]

If it's $400, by the way, crazy.

[B]

Dude. If it's $400, fly me in with a helicopter, dude. Yeah, I'm not taking a. In a porta body.

[A]

Yeah, it is unbelievable. There's just nothing good. The lineups aren't good and it's just a ton of people I went last year. Who did I see? Oh, the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

[B]

No, no, that's fire.

[A]

It was so mediocre, huh? So mediocre. California. California.

[B]

Oh, you have a personal.

[A]

Yeah, it's just a thing.

[B]

Vendetta.

[A]

They're old now too, you know. They're like real old.

[B]

Real old.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn. Not so chilly anymore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Red hot. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't have a riff about that. Hey, Gabriel, last time I was on. Remember that merch incident? Oh, by the way. Yeah. Last time I was here, he. He almost got one of my employees fired because I. Because I. Yeah, I know. In your organization over there. Yeah, in the organization. You're watching your merch now, huh? I'm watching. Yeah, I follow it. You don't realize, I went back and I showed the video clip of him outing my merch guy and my merch guy. Ivan. Ivan, Ivan. Yeah.

[A]

Thank you, Ivan. I still have six bottles of Fluffy tapatio, by the way. It is so good. I swear to God I. Something about your label makes it a little bit better than normal tapatio, which we love.

[B]

And you have a special edition now, right?

[A]

Or something that came out.

[B]

Oh yeah. Black Label bowl. What's that, like extra spicy? It's. It's just a label that's. Yeah, just. It's not extra black. You know what I mean? This, it's hot, soft. You going to ship water out of your ass? Just David Jolly on the label. Just God damn.

[A]

Black hot sauce, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

So anyway, watching the merch. A lot better. A lot better.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

So thank you for uncovering that. That was the best review to let me know what was going on. There's T shirts everywhere right now in Ukraine, dude, half the soldiers are wearing fluffing. Even the Russians.

[A]

Yeah, both sides.

[B]

You know that Spider man meme. Oh God.

[A]

Too funny. Ari, you are truly one of the best in the world. Unbelievable. Go see him live. Killers to kill Tony. Touring all over. Everything's amazing. It's all happening, people.

[B]

That dude's a legend.

[A]

It's incredible. You should. I mean, in his longer sets he just comes out guns a blazing and does not chill at all. He is non stop relentless. One more time for Ari, Maddie, everybody. All right, we found. We found him in the bucket and anything can happen. We found every regular golden ticket winner of all time out of this simple bucket. It could happen, right? The holidays have arrived at the Home.

[B]

Depot and we're here to help bring the excitement with decor for every part of your home.

[A]

Check out our wide assortment of easy.

[B]

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[A]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[B]

Cut the camera. They see us.

[A]

Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com savings. Very underwritten by Libby Mutual Insurance Company affiliates.

[B]

Excludes Massachusetts.

[A]

Now anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's chatto, everyone. Chado foreign.

[B]

What's up guys? Yeah. Just want to let you know, I'm pretty proud I've never uttered the phrase, I have a black friend. Yeah. I've been called the white friend on many occasions, which is always awkward because you have to tell him, I'd never be friends with a black guy. I'm not racist. No, no. It's. That's my wife. She's gonna try to fuck them. No. She leaves me little hints around the house. Like, the other day she got me this book. She left it out on my nightstand. It's called how to make a Woman Orgasm. Yeah. I don't know how it ended. I didn't finish it. I knew it was too complicated for me because the first page said, lick your fingers to turn these pages this. But I have a lot of collections. I don't pay anybody back if I owe you. If it ain't getting cut, it ain't getting paid. All right. Yeah. So one of the biggest collections I have is to a sex shop, an adult store. You know, one of these. Oh, never mind. I'm not paying you. Fuck you. I'm Chatto. Thanks a lot.

[A]

Okay. Chado, it's nice of you to stop your twitch stream to be here.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You look fantastic, Shadow. It's incredible, Sal.

[B]

I like how you came out and pointed to the other Joe Dirt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Game recognized game.

[A]

Hell yeah, Shadow. Remind us, how long you been on stand up?

[B]

I'm going on four years now. All here in Austin.

[A]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[B]

I own a cannabis college and I write books. I wrote novels and children's books for adults also.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

How's that going? Good.

[B]

No, it's. Nobody knows who I am. Going by Chatto is very hard for people to find. You writer Shadow.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Gabe.

[B]

No, just. Oh.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Why do you go by Chatto?

[B]

Because the last name, if I pronounce it, it's not spelled that way. It's just hard to find or hard to understand or hard to say. So doing open mics, it was just easier to cut it down.

[A]

You really do have a wife.

[B]

I really do. I think she's in the backyard about three, four feet down right now. But yeah, she's good.

[A]

What do you mean by that?

[B]

No, she's not dead. I was just kidding. Oh, not yet.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What does she do?

[B]

She works for U Haul. She's a. She takes calls. Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She answers the phone at U Haul.

[B]

From home? Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Incredible. She's a white lady.

[B]

Yeah. Believe it. Or not. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And have you made her. Do you actually make her orgasm? Yeah.

[B]

We've been married 26 years.

[A]

How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?

[B]

So you asked me this. We. We do a lot of things, but the. The latest thing is I kind of wait for her to fall asleep and make sure she's gone, and then I just jerk off.

[A]

Very exciting. Do you. Do you watch something on your phone or do you use your imagination?

[B]

Apparently that wakes her up. And so, yeah, you got to keep on the DL, you know? But yeah, the headphones help. But then again, she's just watching you for three minutes. You don't even know. She's just calling your name out and like. So she's sleeping and you're jerking off. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's children's books you say you write? Yeah, for adults.

[A]

For adults.

[B]

They're for slower, slow adults. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, for real? It's. It's a. It's a book for. I brought you guys some today, actually.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah, if you guys would like. That's different. You usually give out books.

[A]

Yeah. Let's see.

[B]

Where.

[A]

What's. Where's one at?

[B]

They're coming right now. I believe they. Wow.

[A]

Okay, let me see one of those. Heidi, let's see what we got here. What do we got?

[B]

So these are based on my stand up. So they're hilarious.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. So they. They must be bedtime stories then. Okay. Based on stand up comedy by chatto. Stevie J moves to the burbs.

[B]

Stevie J. Chad. What is your actual full last name? Since it's hard to pronounce, it's Oshefsky, but it's spelled O, L, S, H, A, V, S K Y. So. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Chado, I. I noticed.

[A]

Just looking through this real quick, half the time you use Stevie J. But then other times you just use Stevie.

[B]

Like what.

[A]

What's going on here? Why?

[B]

Yeah, some people don't use their last name all the time. It's just sometimes, you know, now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thanks for pointing out the continuity in my errors. Not gonna lie. This looks like a book about Jesus. Yeah, it's. It's based on my. Myself, obviously, you know. Oh, wait, so your. Your wife is the illustrator? Yes, she is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why didn't you say that? Well, these are. These are unbelievable illustrations. Can we not make everything about the bitch?

[A]

Come on, she's kind of. Wait, that's not AI.

[B]

They're really good illustrations. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, she was good.

[A]

Red Band thinks it's AI Is your wife AI?

[B]

Actually, my wife is not, but she does use AI and then Photoshop to make them.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

AI is very. This is like Disney quality type artwork. Yeah, it really is. She does good, good work. Yeah. It's really hard to get AI to be consistent. And she does a really good job making it happen like. Like that Pixar movie.

[A]

Prompters. Prompts. CJ is make better, make better. Make better, make better. This is good enough. Yeah, good enough. It's amazing being able to utilize AI for your art. It's just incredible. Make a little better.

[B]

More urban. More urban.

[A]

Okay, Shadow, you have a little. Little joke book.

[B]

I got a big one last time.

[A]

Okay. Well, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. That's Chad. We're gonna keep it moving along. Shadow, after Ari, Maddie is like. It's like. It's like a. It's like. It's like a sugar free lemonade after a shot of tequila or something like that. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Speak of the devil. Heidi. All right, this looks like a new name. This could be. Be fun. Make some noise for Julio, everybody. We're going to meet Julio out of the bucket right now. Wow.

[B]

Julio. So my mom raised an autism child and raised me and ended up wishing both her kids turned out. My dad, I would get in a lot of trouble. So my dad was like, hey, I get in trouble when I hang out with my friend. My very best friend, Johnny Walker, he gives me invisibility powers. So I'm like, you mean like superhero? He's like, yeah. Every time I go with my friend and I get home and your mom looks at me and goes, I can't even look at you right now. Can't even see you like this. I used to be gay. I went to one of those pray the gay out of you Jesus camps, and now I'm having all kinds of heterosexual sex.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

There you go, bro.

[A]

Julio, Amazing. I have so many questions. Wow, you're excited. Hi, Julio, Welcome.

[B]

Hi. I'm very first comedian.

[A]

Very first comedian. First time, first time doing st.

[B]

Very first. I've been going to. I've been to two of them.

[A]

Like, okay. I love it. You can barely see. Speak the language. This is incredible right now. Absolutely amazing.

[B]

So far, so good, Julio. Thank you. Yeah, man. I got more Puerto Rico.

[A]

Whoa. Hell yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

You're like. You're like, okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How long have you been in America? How many days have you been in America?

[B]

January 99.

[A]

January 99. January of 1999.

[B]

Excuse the footing.

[A]

There's a lot of wise the month of January.

[B]

She's mine. Okay, so, Julio, San Juan or whereabouts in Puerto Rico. It's like Bayamon, like 10 miles away from. It's a metro area. Yeah. Okay.

[A]

All right. Okay. The metro area.

[B]

Are you or were you gay, or is that just a joke or. Look at the watch, bro. Look at the watch. He's still gay. Sorry, bro. It's a relo. Come on. Like, ambiguous now. No, I didn't know if that was a genuine. It's the kind of stuff I dream about. You went to a Jesus camp and. Or whatever it was. No, that's my. My imagination.

[A]

Talk loud, Julio.

[B]

My imagination for Joe.

[A]

Your imagination? Oh.

[B]

So, yeah, okay, so you're straight. So you're straight. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

He's definitely not straight, Sal. What are you talking about?

[B]

You said having all kinds of straight sex. How many coins are there? Coming to kill Tony is like when Neo go to the Oracle, you know? I'm like, here. I want to find out if I'm really good or not.

[A]

Wow. I need live subtitles right now. This is incredible. I'm calling ice. Puerto Rico is part of America. I know Puerto Ric.

[B]

He's from Puerto Rico.

[A]

Tony gonna learn that Puerto Rico's part of America. I know.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Trust me directly.

[B]

I didn't think I would understand someone less than Pamela.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

It is incredible.

[B]

I. I'll be able to figure that out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Why, like, so that you can understand me.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, you're doing good, Julio. What do you do for work?

[B]

I'm a flight simulator technician.

[A]

Wait, what do you mean?

[B]

Like a video game for airplanes that real pilots train on before they get on?

[A]

You actually do that?

[B]

I used to build them before I worked maintaining them, so.

[A]

Wow. Badass. Look at that. That's incredible.

[B]

Badass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He doesn't have to speak to do that.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. That's amazing, Julio. And you've been doing that for how long?

[B]

Since 03.

[A]

Okay. All right. And do you have a. A steady lover right now in your life? Is there?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, what's.

[B]

Is it a simulator? You can't get cauliflower from a simulator. Yeah, say what you want.

[A]

So where'd you meet this guy at? Tell us about it, Julio.

[B]

It's actually a machine.

[A]

What?

[B]

My. My bicycle. It's my lover.

[A]

Your bicycle? What are you saying?

[B]

Hope it's not Aries.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I only dance with the machine. So, like, I don't e bike.

[A]

Julio, stick with me here.

[B]

I have my.

[A]

What's your actual Love life. Like in real life.

[B]

I'm swimming in it.

[A]

You're swimming in asshole.

[B]

Me?

[A]

What do you do, like, when you want to.

[B]

I'm like, if they tell me. Oh, that was deep, Julio. And I'm like. I'm trying to touch your heart, you know?

[A]

Jesus Christ. Red band. Trying to conduct a professional interview over here. And I got you. Fart noise and out of my left ear. I can't understand a single word this guy's saying.

[B]

I'm a little nervous. That's it.

[A]

This guy will not come all the way out of the closet. It's the craziest thing. He's, like, peeking through the door.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

From the inside of the closet. It's like, come on out, Hool. Julio, I know you're in there. We know you're in there.

[B]

Julio.

[A]

Come out. What's going on? Are you afraid? Like, Mama and Papa are watching from the metro area?

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

San Juan, Puerto Rico.

[B]

I bet they're proud.

[A]

Do they know you're gay?

[B]

Mom lives in San Antonio.

[A]

Your mom lives in San Antonio? Yeah. The Puerto Rico of Texas. I love it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

[A]

Does your mom know you're gay?

[B]

I guess she knows now.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wait. Sorry. So you are gay?

[A]

Yes, he's gay. This guy is gay.

[B]

I'm playing along. I don't. And the more you speak, the more. I can't. I can't. I mean, I. I feel really comfortable with my sexuality, so. Yeah, like, no big deal.

[A]

No big deal.

[B]

Like. So are you gay or straight? I. I wish. I like hairy asses, you know, because that would be pretty cool. Okay.

[A]

You're into women.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And guys.

[B]

No.

[A]

Have you ever been bicycles?

[B]

I mean, like, bicycles. You're. You're a beautiful man, Tony.

[A]

Yes, I know. Thank you. Wow.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Wow. How many. You think I should butt this guy right now? That's right. Okay, Keno, you don't have to do the light thing. You don't just make the lights go crazy. Jesus, Kino, relax back there. All right. So the last person that you had sex with in real life was a woman. Where did you meet this lady at?

[B]

On dating site.

[A]

Talk loud, Julio.

[B]

Dating site.

[A]

Dating site. What was the dating site like?

[B]

Tinder, I think.

[A]

Tinder. Okay. I'm on all of them, Right? Of course. Because that's what straight guys do. They get on all the sites. Okay. So did you go on a date with her? Did you go to a restaurant or something?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What type of restaurant did you go?

[B]

We went to the. The Blue Star Blue Star Art district in San Antonio. They have Halcyon or whatever.

[A]

A hacienda.

[B]

Yeah. And. And they have Tabletop S' mores if you want to smash on the first date. Get Tabletop s' mores at Tabletop Scores.

[A]

S'.

[B]

More.

[A]

S', mores.

[B]

S', mores, s'.

[A]

Mores. Okay, I feel weird.

[B]

Should I just translate for you?

[A]

Yes, absolutely.

[B]

This is so frustrating. I feel like that back from mom back in the day. Give me s. I'll write it out. I'll write it out.

[A]

I love it. So what made you want to start standup comedy here today, Julio?

[B]

I've always known I've had good ideas. In my town, they called me Gabriel.

[A]

What the. You got out of this one? What?

[B]

What?

[A]

Can I get a translator for my translator?

[B]

Siempre de buenas. I don't understand him in Spanish.

[A]

Wow. He said he always has good ideas.

[B]

Okay. Good ideas.

[A]

Whoa. Red band. Wow.

[B]

Look at that, huh? Talking. That's that Advil talking.

[A]

Yeah, the sugar coated Advil. Julio, tell us more. What do you do for fun? Tell us more about yourself.

[B]

Smash S'. Mores. Yeah, I ride BMX bikes.

[A]

BMX bikes?

[B]

So you're a bike rider? Flatland bmx? Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's kind of bike.

[B]

I mean, I try. If I have money, I go to Puerto Rico and go big wave boogie boarding. Oh, wow.

[A]

Boogie boarding. Okay. All right.

[B]

You're way more interesting than you let on when you speak. I don't mean that as an insult. I just mean, like, you're all over the place and you're hard to understand. And then you say stuff like, you simulate programs of flight instructors, and you go wakeboarding, and I'm like, oh, all right. I don't. You're. I'm confused. I'm very confused. You have a brother with autism as well? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I wasn't sure, like, what was real and what it wasn't. You're confused. Yes. Dear diary, Jackpot.

[A]

Wow. All right, let me ask you this. This is your first sign doing a big show like this. Did you have more jokes on that paper that you didn't get to do? We. You want to do them? All right, Here you go. Do some more jokes. I want to know what else Julio has here. Everything starts with a Y. Here he goes, doing another joke.

[B]

Since I'm older, sometimes it doesn't work all the time. So I pray to Jesus to raise my penis, Lazarus, from the dead.

[A]

Okay, let's do another one.

[B]

I always. Or.

[A]

He writes like, he talks.

[B]

Coming to Exam. It's a station for trans black women. Wait, what is trans black women?

[A]

What about it?

[B]

A radio station.

[A]

Radio station for trans black women.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's called Trans sister.

[A]

There's a banger.

[B]

That's fun.

[A]

That's a great joke.

[B]

That was fun. I'll be right. There you go.

[A]

That's good, Julio.

[B]

I have a. My. I. I work on my electric bike. Try to make. Make it faster. And now it identifies as a motorcycle, so it's, like, very good.

[A]

You have some cute jokes, Julio.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Totally gay. The gayest dude like, ever.

[B]

I didn't. I didn't hear you.

[A]

Thank you. Oh, my God, I'm so strange.

[B]

I'm super stoked, actually. I would only call day them conjoined tween.

[A]

Ah, I love it. Singular twin.

[B]

You went really heavy on that second page with the drink. You really went in with. My eyes are not what they used to be.

[A]

What? It's like. Come on, give us one more. Julio, can I read one? So let me read one.

[B]

I don't think you can read it, dude.

[A]

I want to see.

[B]

This looks like a ransom letter.

[A]

Okay, okay, I got.

[B]

I got a joke.

[A]

Okay, do it. Do on Julio. And while I try to decipher this. This zodiac killer code that you have.

[B]

Here, I always say my writing was so, like, if I sent a threat letter, that people will believe it.

[A]

Hold on. Do the. Do the one with the chica. That chola will cut you.

[B]

Oh, like I got a type. Is a kind of Mexican girl that you'd never, ever, ever catch at a Taco Bell. The kind of Mexican chick that will talk behind your back about how you didn't speak in Spanish to her. And the kind of chica that will cut you if you get it twisted with her. So I'm gonna clap her cheeks until she agrees with everything I say.

[A]

Wow, amazing.

[B]

That wasn't a joke so much as a grievance followed by a threat. Yeah, still sound gay.

[A]

Yes. I swear I'm gonna clap her cheeks until she tells me everything about being a woman that I wanna know. Okay, can you do the NXT Cucaracha Smash.

[B]

So, yeah, like, so I get to smash that cucaracha when I get me. Get me a nice Mexican girl.

[A]

How about the alpha male bully?

[B]

Oh, my brother was a bully, so I guess he's an alpha male. And now I'm a nerd, so that makes me alphabetical.

[A]

Oh, my God, you're adorable.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

What's the patience?

[B]

How many jokes are on there?

[A]

A lot. What's the patience fist.

[B]

I, I sometimes I, I get impatient and I tell myself, self, no fisting ever starts by you punching on a vagina.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I could watch a full hour review. How about, how about cripples? What do you got for cripples with 1p?

[B]

I hate it when I go to six flags and all the front parking spots are. Are handicapped and none of the cripples showed up.

[A]

This guy's good. This guy's good. I love it. All the best jokes you didn't do, you did a reverse. It's almost like I fell for your plot here. Like, let me see your jokes. And then you have like a bunch of.

[B]

It worked, huh? Debate worked.

[A]

Yeah, it worked. You tricked me. This is probably how we're gonna end up. Butt later. You're tricking me. Okay, what about we butt gf.

[B]

What? Oh, yeah. I walked in on this girl that I was seeing with the Wii remote of her butthole.

[A]

Like.

[B]

I was like, oh, honey, you're doing it wrong.

[A]

Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio. All right, one last one. One last one. I was wanted to know they cheer for him.

[B]

Let him walk away with. Let him walk away on the cheer.

[A]

No, it's not that easy.

[B]

This is a Cinderella story, man. 16. Get on your bike and head to San Anto, bro.

[A]

One last one. You ready for it? I want to know. Exterminator cracks CR oh, yeah.

[B]

So like she. Whenever I role play, I. I want to be the exterminator. So you, you, you go and I show up unrealistically, like fast. And I come to fumigate your cracks and crevices. Julio.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

There's a big joke about Julio. Absolutely unbelievable debut performance. Julio, keep writing and come back. Sign up and do it again. Okay, yes.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're welcome, Julio. Ladies and gentlemen, with an unbelievable debut performance here on Kill Tony with a 17 minute and 20 second long interview. That's how you know there's potential there. Let me remind you that Chado had about a four minute long interview. So Chad's been doing it four years. Julio comes in here with a scrappy piece of paper and ends up stealing the show.

[B]

He didn't even know.

[A]

I'm just rattling cracks.

[B]

We still don't know. Gay or straight, we will never know. Don't matter. Julio killed it. The. The premises. The premises didn't make any sense. And there were no punch lines. How do we chant his name?

[A]

We love him. I wish he had more. If he would have pulled out another piece of paper I would have just done the rest of the show with him. I would add, everyone else go home, tell these people they can all hit the road because we're gonna have fun with Julio. Unfortunately, we ran out of. We ran out of. That was fun. I love. That's what you love about this show, right? It's just the chaos. Anything can happen. Dreams coming true for a young gay straight man. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast.

[B]

Smart move.

[A]

Being financially savvy.

[B]

Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a.

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Competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan.

[B]

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Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state.

[B]

Coverage options are selected by the customer.

[A]

Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other.

[B]

They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legendary nights. From backyard jams to sold out arenas, there's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly.

[A]

Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume.

[B]

Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee.

[A]

All right, your next bucket poll. We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Chris Miller, everybody. Here we go.

[B]

Hey, guys, I've. I've been playing basketball with the same group of guys for 20 years. We went to breakfast the other morning and we were talking about things that we did when we were a kid. And my buddy Kenny, he's a black guy, And I said, kenny, I said, did you ever run around your neighborhood and ring doorbells and run when you were a kid? And he goes, yes, I did. And I said, what'd you call that? And he looked at me, he says, chris, I called that the same thing you called that. And I said, I said, okay, I apologize, my friend. He goes, no, that's just what we called it. And I said, all right. I said, well, now I've got a 25 year old son. So when my son was the age where they would run around neighborhood, ring doorbells and run, he. Everybody had ring cameras. So all my neighbors are sending me videos. So the, the kids get home and I go, guys, what are y' all doing? And my son goes, dad, we're ding dong ditching. And I was like, what'd you call it? He goes, dad, we're ding dong ditching. I threw my arms up in my. In my living room. And my son goes, dad, what are you doing? And I go, don't worry about it. All you need to know is I'm a better dad than my dad was. All right, thank you, guys.

[A]

All right, Chris. Hi, Chris. How are you?

[B]

Somehow red band like that.

[A]

Yeah, exactly what you're talking. Yeah. You guys are the same age, so that makes sense.

[B]

Sal, I understood Julio more.

[A]

Yeah, I agree.

[B]

Julio, do you have any notes in your pocket? Anyone? Notes?

[A]

Do you have any notes? No notes. Okay, Chris, let's talk about it. How long you been doing standup?

[B]

Two months.

[A]

Two months. And how long have you been selling insurance? What do you do for.

[B]

I'm a salesman, but I don't sell insurance. I actually have. I have a website that's on Shopify.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. We love Shopify. Not a lot of people know this, but if you use the promo code Kill Tony, you can start your own Shopify for an amazing, amazing, amazing deal. Okay. You married, kids, the whole thing?

[B]

Yep. Been married 28 years. I've got three awesome kids.

[A]

Awesome. What's the most exciting thing about your life? Like, what's something that would surprise us about you? Because you seem like just a real plain glass of water?

[B]

Well, I would say all my kids are fairly normal. And I think the reason is, is that all three of my kids have walked in on us having sex. Wow.

[A]

Okay. And what have they seen?

[B]

Well, I never asked them that question, but all I know is when, you know, when you've been married a long time, and when your wife says, you know, is the door locked? I mean, you say, yes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So, I mean, I go to the casino. I always bet on red. And at least one time with each child, it was on black.

[A]

Wow. Incredible. Do you really have a black friend named Kenny? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I play basketball. For 20 years. The same guys.

[A]

Wow. What does Kenny do for a living?

[B]

He works for AT T, but I don't know. He's got the HR department, so we probably shouldn't talk too much about him, right?

[A]

Absolutely. We don't want to cost a man his job. What do you guys.

[B]

I. You know the joke. You put a lot of, like. It definitely was thought out, and you put a lot into it. And I think somewhere along the line, maybe you missed a set or something. Because I. I wanna. I wanna understand the punchline of the joke. Yeah.

[A]

So.

[B]

Because at first I thought it was me, a race thing, but then it wasn't.

[A]

And then I asked redbay, it's a race thing.

[B]

Back in the day ding dong and ditch was called something else. That's how we all used to say the N words as kids.

[A]

It was N word knocking.

[B]

That's what they used to call it.

[A]

What? That is what it was. It was called N word knocking. Except we weren't. We didn't call it the N word. You said the word.

[B]

But what is. But what is Ding dong, ditch. That's what the kids call it these days, but we call it ring and run.

[A]

Ring and run. What the. Ring and run.

[B]

I. I'm. I'm from the east coast, which is better than this, so I don't know.

[A]

Wow. Full heel turn for sale.

[B]

Did you guys. Did you guys understand this joke? Okay. All right. Well. Well, no, because. Because I was so interested you had me, and I was, like, waiting on it, and then you got it in the cat. Then I was like, let's hear it. And then I didn't get it.

[A]

So nobody understood his joke. So I'm gonna do something very, very special right now. Here to translate his joke for us. Make some noise for Julio, everybody. Here he is. Julio, come back out. Send Julio out. You need to. Champ. Julio.

[B]

Julio.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Here he is.

[A]

Julio. Now, I gotta. I gotta ask you, Julio, what. What was he talking about up here? This guy? Just. Just go ahead and explain it to us.

[B]

No, no idea. You want to have him retell the joke so that Julio can do it step by step? Say it again. You want to have him read. Do the joke so Julio can. Can do, you know, translate it.

[A]

Julio, what do you think it meant? Did you catch any of it?

[B]

No, like, I was talking on the phone.

[A]

The fuck. Who the fuck were you talking on the phone with?

[B]

To my mom.

[A]

Oh, my God. Really? You still have your phone on you? You have it on you right now?

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Let's call Julio's mom real quick. Give him his phone. I want to talk to your mom. What's your mom's name?

[B]

Esperanza.

[A]

Esperanza. Oh, my goodness gracious. Okay, call her and put it on speaker and then hand it over to me over here. Here. Just hit send. Yeah, you have to turn it back on. Okay.

[B]

Mom speaking.

[A]

The phone doesn't ring when you're calling a person.

[B]

Yeah, she speaks really good. She okay. Think she's great at it, but she.

[A]

Is the sound effect of an antique phone. While Julio's trying to turn on his little cricket over here, I have a special plan. It works in Puerto Rico and only Texas.

[B]

All right?

[A]

It only. This phone only work in San Antonio. All right.

[B]

They're ringing.

[A]

It's not ringing.

[B]

Maybe it's bro. I love. Maybe it's wanting to connect to my headphones or something. Oh, I love that it says mama on it like it's written Mom. It's not mom, it's mama. Yeah, that's why I don't disrespect women. I go on a lot of dates because of that. I also had a scrotum. Tuck.

[A]

What?

[B]

Bro.

[A]

Bro.

[B]

I don't know that you want to know this. So old balls. That's not me.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

I hear it.

[A]

Hello, Esperanza, it's me, Tony. La Show. Kill Tony Show. Hello, Esperanza, I'm with your son Julio. Yes. Wow, you speak better English than he does. Esperanz, your son is becoming a star in real time. How do you feel about this?

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yes, he's becoming a star from a long time ago. Oh, I love that the crowd is chanting his name. Esperanza, Esperanza. Have you seen the hit show Impractical Jokers before?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Your son's gay.

[A]

Esperanza, serious question. Sal's making a joke here, but we are very curious because Julio is very, very likable. He's a good looking guy, but we're noticing that he kind of has, you know, feminine tendencies. In some of his quick responses, like when he doesn't have enough time to think about it, he's kind of. He kind of. Yeah, go ahead. He's kind of what? He's kind of feminine, like, kind of like, kind of. Kind of gay. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Hey, say maricon.

[A]

I know. Yes. Julio es American.

[B]

Not American.

[A]

Oh, yeah, he's not American.

[B]

American. There's a fine line between American and gay in Spanish. Marikon.

[A]

He's American. He is American. Yes. Trump doesn't like to accept him, but has to. What do you got?

[B]

I didn't get that. I tried. I don't want to accept something.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

She's saying, I don't want to accept something. That I'm maricon. Maybe.

[A]

Okay. Have you ever seen him with a woman? With many women.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Perro Julio.

[B]

Perro. Julio, Julio, Julio, Julio.

[A]

Esperanza, are you in San Antonio or Puerto Rico?

[B]

I'm in San Antonio.

[A]

Wow, you sound very hot. What do you do for work? Are you a. What do you do? Julio has to be like this because me. That's right. That's right.

[B]

I grew up on the spotlight because of her.

[A]

Wow. Even he looks like me. Oh, you have a little facial hair. Yes. Esperanza, you're a legend. Thanks for taking the call.

[B]

What I cannot do. You don't have nothing to do.

[A]

No, you're. You're it. That's how crazy the show is, is randomly. Sometimes we just call people. Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Is it. Tell us the craziest thing about your life before I let you go. You ever have to do anything wild? What do you think makes you special and different than everybody else? I'm special. What? Hello? Yes. What's the craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with another man? No, that secret. Top secret.

[B]

Craziest thing she ever did was make Julio. Yeah, she's like. There was this one guy, his dick looked like cauliflower. Ask her about the shootout.

[A]

You know, by the sound of your voice, Esperanza, before I let you go, you seem like the kind of woman that has seen, like, the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast or something like that. Is that true? Have you seen the Virgin Mary before? Where? Okay, I'm gonna let you go. Esperanza, it's past your bedtime. Go get some sleep. Okay? I love you. Thank you. I'll see you soon. Wow. Let's. Let's take a note. Let's just take notice of how boring Chris Miller is as a human being. Being that we'd rather talk to the last guy's mother than to talk to Chris Miller anymore. Chris, thanks for. Thanks for coming out here. Here's a little joke book. Julio, stay for another second. Chris, you can go. Head on back. Chris, sign up again. Come back again. Do something a little punchier than. Than one long story. So, Julio, how I love it. You're having the time of your life. You already have. Called your mom. There's a guy. There's another guy named Julio who was just calling you. Well, by the way, while I was on the phone with your mom, so people know. Your family already knows what's going on right now.

[B]

Oh, that's my son.

[A]

Oh, you have a son?

[B]

Junior. I have three boys.

[A]

You have three boys?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This whole time, I spent 17 minutes trying to figure out. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I have a whole set of jokes about how I'm black where it counts.

[A]

About how you're what?

[B]

I'm black where it counts.

[A]

Wow. In what way?

[B]

You're never gonna guess my age. Cause black don't crack.

[A]

Okay, well, you're not that black because you're present in your child's lives. So how old are. How old are your three boys?

[B]

20, 14 and 12.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

I'm I'm gonna be 49 in November.

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[B]

When? 16. Funny. The three of us. 49. Hey, let's 49. 49. 49. Oh, go play lotto tomorrow.

[A]

Yeah. Look at that. That's incredible. Okay, Julio, one more thing. Tell us something about your life before I let you go yet again, that would surprise us about it.

[B]

When I was a little kid, I was riding in the car with my mom coming home from school, and there was a car to car shootout in Puerto Rico. And I opened the window like it was my day to have a gun battle. And I pull out my toy rifle and I pointed it at the people. And my mom was like, you're gonna get us killed. And she, like, sped out of the place and then stopped by a bridge and did the most gangster thing I ever seen her say. Seen her, dude, like, broke the thing with her knee and threw it over a bridge.

[A]

Wow. Esperanza's a bad bitch. I love it. Julio, Julio, Julio. I'm gonna do something I've never done before. I'm gonna give you a second big joke book to give to Esperanza. How about that? There you go. And bring her next time you come here. Bring her and I'll just give you your next appearance. Next time you have a full minute. Next time you write another minute, bring her, and we'll. We'll interview you guys together. Okay? So I love it. One more time for Julio, everybody. Julio. Julio. It's a magical bucket Tonight. Anything can happen. Your next bucket pool goes by the name, ladies and gentlemen of Jordan Yates, everybody. Here comes Jordan Yates.

[B]

Damn. Julio was tall as hell. Hey, what's up, guys? So I'm just gonna get down to it. I got married this year, and I'm quite frankly lucky my wife is still with me, you know, because I tried to shave my beard off recently, you know, and she doesn't like the stubble. You ladies know about the stubble? Because I went in for a little smooch and she was like, it's rough, it's coarse, it's itchy, and I hate.

[A]

But have y' all ever had to.

[B]

Deal with a little lady's double before? Come on, fellas. There you go. You know what I'm talking about. You know, when you're trying to visit the roses and you get the thorns? It's like trying to eat a peach through a cheese grater. I'm just down there trying to get some delicious fruit. Meanwhile, my lips are getting the parmesan treatment. I mean, they're like the fucking Olive Garden. Waiter, like, say when, baby. By the way, fellas, she always wants more parmesan. Come on. Oh, yeah. Wow.

[A]

Amazing. Jordan Yates, welcome. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah. How long you been doing stand up?

[B]

About seven years now.

[A]

Seven years? Where at?

[B]

From Dallas, originally. Been here in Austin for the last two years.

[A]

Nice. I love it. You have such a great fucking look and a presence. Real star power. What do you do for work?

[B]

Stand up full time since the beginning of the year. So.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing. How's that going for you?

[B]

Oh, man. A lot of time in Nebraska, dude.

[A]

Yeah, that's where you're big. You're huge in Nebraska.

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, they just like my cowboy hat. Okay, all right.

[B]

They're like, he's one of us. Let him in.

[A]

Tell us what doing stand up in Nebraska is like.

[B]

Well, I almost got my ass kicked the first time. Cause I have this. I have this joke about how I'm a bad cowboy. I look like a farmer that exclusively farms soy. Turns out a lot of soy in Nebraska. A lot of big old boys that farm it.

[A]

What's your love life like? You seem like you'd be fun to cuddle with.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's what my wife tells me. Dude, I got a wife that I'm in love with and she's incredible. Her name's Esther for anybody who needs to know.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Very nice. You have kids?

[B]

Do I have kids? Not yet.

[A]

Dude, are you trying. You pumping her filled with cowboy cum, man.

[B]

Digging the spurs in, dude.

[A]

All right. I love it. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Any crazy cowboy moves or anything?

[B]

Well, I always start off with the magic mic.

[A]

First I hit her with that.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then most of the time, I'm just, you know, laying there.

[A]

Yeah, that sounds about right.

[B]

How did you meet your wife? Tinder. Oh, shit. Hey. Rosalinda, her mom. We met at church. You're like a Matthew McConaughey wrapped in an action Bronson.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That'S what I'm going for.

[A]

Amazing. Tell us, you have any other special skills or talents or anything?

[B]

Any special. I can clap with one hand.

[A]

Let's hear it. Wow, that's a.

[B]

That sounded like something else, but all right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. What did you do before you got into stand up sales for a long time? Dude, I did corporate real estate sales. Yeah, I know. Pretty shitty. No, you. You sold real estate? Yeah, I sold office space, of all things. Yeah, I know.

[A]

Were you good at it?

[B]

Actually, yeah. Paid a lot Better than this does. I'm gonna be honest.

[A]

Yeah, tell us, like, give us an example. Pretend like we're here and you're selling us an office space. Give us an example of what that was. Sound like.

[B]

Hey, this is Jordan with Regis. I'm calling to follow up with you about your inquiry on our offices. Yeah, I saw that you were looking for something in the Dallas area. Tell you what, I think I got a few options, but I want to hear a little bit more about what you need from the space.

[A]

Well, you know, I'm looking like the.

[B]

Wolf of Wall street right there.

[A]

I'm looking for something like a, you know, a couple thousand square feet. I don't need much space because I don't want to have to pay for the air conditioning. I know it gets hot up there in Dallas, so, you know, you have anything like that? You have anything small?

[B]

Yeah. I tell you what, we can definitely hook you up. When you're saying that you're looking for a couple thousand square feet of space, are you wanting that to be something that you're going to use for your personal use, or do you have a team that we need to get set up for?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To all that.

[B]

Y' all don't make me do this anymore, please. Dude, I love the fact that you code switch like that. You went from comic cowboy, dude, and all sudden I'm like, I'm ready to sign a lease.

[A]

Yeah. Amazing stuff. What does your wife do for work?

[B]

She works for the state. She was in the capital for a few years, and she now works for a state agency.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

She's a responsible one.

[A]

She's doing process improvement?

[B]

Pretty much, yeah.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing. What's your. You have an apartment or a house? What do you.

[B]

Yeah, we live in an apartment off of Riverside out here in Austin.

[A]

So one bedroom, two bedrooms. I got it like that. Wow. What do you do with the second bedroom? You have a little vinyl record player in there?

[B]

Pretty much, yeah. I used to work out of it, but now I just use it to store my boots. I think is.

[A]

How many pairs of boots do you have?

[B]

Two.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Absolutely incredible.

[B]

You're so likable. Wow. Thank you, man. Good for you.

[A]

Do you go to church?

[B]

I used to. I used to be a youth pastor.

[A]

Okay, can you give us an example of what some of your pastor skills would look like?

[B]

Oh, here we go.

[A]

Here he is. Youth pastor Chris Miller.

[B]

Can you sell me on Christ? Hey, everybody. I want you to look into your hearts tonight, and I want you to tell me, have you seen Christ in there recently? Me. Is your heart filled with sin? Is it filled with temptation?

[A]

Well, you can be redeemed.

[B]

Amen. Through the power of Jesus Christ, you can't be saved.

[A]

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

[B]

Tell Sam K. Like, so many lives in one body. You know what I mean? It's like, here you go, office space. You want to get saved? You want to laugh?

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

And you eat. Amen, brother. Yeah.

[A]

Chris.

[B]

Good guy.

[A]

Or I mean, actually, you're not Chris.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

Chris was the other guy.

[B]

Yeah, that. Jordan.

[A]

Jordan Yates. What's up? What were you. What was your childhood like? Country. Country parents, actually.

[B]

Well, my dad grew up in Elgin, which is just 30 minutes outside of Austin here. But the rest of my family is from Oak Cliff, which is South Dallas. And then I have a grandmother from France. I've got all sorts of weird things going on.

[A]

Wow. No way. You speak French?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoa. Oh, my God. Speaks every language better than Julio. Very funny set. You're so charismatic and so likable. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Here's a big joke, folks. How fun. How exciting.

[B]

Yates.

[A]

Jordan Yates, ladies and gentlemen. We're really doing it. Red band. We're really doing it. All right. Let's do something fun right now. I have yet another special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen. Gentlemen, a kil Tony hall of famer, one of the greatest regulars in the show's history, wants to come out and do a minute. One of the greatest comedians in our history, one of the best roasters in the world, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for the rare return of the great David Lucas.

[B]

Yeah, I've been falling asleep to black noise lately. It's just videos of cops putting handcuffs on niggas. And the occasional smoke detector. Beep. Football season is here. A lot of white guys play fantasy football. I've realized that fantasy football is virtual slavery for white guys. Cause y' all get to pick y' all favorite nigga who runs the fastest, who jumps the highest. I like that Saquon Barkley. That nigga jumped over somebody backwards last year. Three hundred years later, we still can't make money off a white man's back. There's no goddamn fantasy pickleball league. All right, that's my time. Thank you, man.

[A]

The legend David. Lights out, Lucas.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Absolutely doing it again. Incredible. The blast black noise premise and got all black, bruh. Virtual slavery. Incredible jokes, David.

[B]

I like Fluffy. That look like a character from guess who. Does he have hair? Nope. Wait, hold. Hold on. Can you. Can you call me The N word again, huh? Can you call me the N word again? Yeah, you can say it. You just got to say it. Like vinegar. What is wrong with this motherfucker back here, bro? What the.

[A]

They're very excited to see you. They. I don't think they have many of you around here.

[B]

Hey, Redbad. I know what you was talking about. Back where I'm from, they used to call that Nigger noggin. That's what they called it. They called it. I was trying to wait till I came up to say it, but it was called nigger Noggin.

[A]

That is true. That is what we call it. You can only say it so many times in a minute or else YouTube flags it, so don't say it again. There is.

[B]

You gotta believe it.

[A]

They have a certain.

[B]

I'll say vinegar knocking.

[A]

Again. That's probably the limit. It's robots. They're not really gonna pick up on that vin so much.

[B]

Hey, bro, have you seen this on the Internet? So the Internet found out that Martin Luther King was cheating on his wife, and they've made a lot of AI out of this negro.

[A]

Yeah, vinegar.

[B]

Have you? Yeah, this vinegar, bro.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Red bad. You gotta say vinaga.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Bro, they had. They. They had an episode of Martin Luther King Omari today, bro. That was so.

[A]

Oh, my God. Yeah, this sora AI stuff is out of control right now. It is stronger than ever.

[B]

I've seen the AI version of you, bro. Like, man, that nigga was straight. Cheekbones wasn't so high. You know what I'm saying? This cheekbones high as hell, boy. You look like a baby deer in the face, nigga.

[A]

You son of a. Do you have cheekbones? Are they under there somewhere?

[B]

I know you got booty cheekbones.

[A]

Oh, come on. How dare you say I be having booty cheekbones. That's true. I do. Sometimes I be making them clap. That's what the kids are saying. I make my booty cheekbones clap. Yes. Yes, it's true. Yes, I do, right, man? I do. Yeah, I do.

[B]

Tony, you skinny though, bro. I bet when you take your clothes off, your G Strain be baggy.

[A]

How do you know I wear a cheese string?

[B]

Yeah, that look like the tampon string hanging out.

[A]

Oh, my God. You got me good there, Martin Luther. Burger King. Holy. Oh, my God. You are morbidly obese.

[B]

You're morbidly gay.

[A]

Oh, come on. That's not.

[B]

Even though that's a word, but you are morbidly gay.

[A]

That is incredible. Gabe, what do we think? He is a 3x4x I'm a 3x on here. Oh, 3x. All right.

[B]

Fluffy. A fat like me, bro. I know you heard that's how black people talk. When they try to get their point across, they go to a falsetto voice. Yeah, like, come on, bro, you know I'm gonna pay you that money back. What the you talking about, man? Why you tripping over $200, man? Come on, dog. Six, seven, man. Six, seven. Oh, that's that kid. My daughter be saying that. What do it mean?

[A]

What do it mean?

[B]

All right, man, you wouldn't understand. Redback. You the oldest nigga.

[A]

It's a rap lyric. It's a rap lyric.

[B]

Kids love it.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

It's really stupid.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

My daughter do be saying that, bro.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

That means she's cool as. Don't be looking at my daughter.

[A]

Why you be looking at my daughter? What else is going on in life, David? What have you been up to, man?

[B]

You know what I'm saying, bro? You know, we got a couple of projects we working on and. Yep, me and Tony have something amazing coming to the world. I promise you guys are going to be.

[A]

Just don't.

[B]

I ain't gonna say it.

[A]

Yeah. Stop.

[B]

Yeah, it's a sex tape.

[A]

Yes, it is. It is. I have sex with someone on top of David Lucas. I use them as a tempur pedic mattress. Purple. Purple. Yeah, yeah, it's a purple drank mattress. Yeah, you heard a tempur pedic. This is an orthopedic. Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Yeah, bro, but that's it, you know, Trying to make moves in the. In the scene or roasted. You look like an invisible friend. Get your ass. If you ask your kids what they friend look like, they draw this.

[A]

You look like an invisible friend is somehow one of the greatest roast jokes I've ever heard in my life.

[B]

What does your friend look like? Draw him. What's his name? Sal Volcano.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

That don't even sound like a real name. Like, if your kids told you that, you'd be like, oh, yeah, cool, baby. Sal Volcano. Yeah, I know him.

[A]

You been on tour or anything lately, sir?

[B]

I'm on tour right now, bro. I'm all over the world. I got where I'm at. Nashville, Chicago, West Covina. Buffalo, New York. Rochester, San Diego. Pull up on your boy.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Yeah.

[B]

And the killers of kill. Tony tour, man. You know what I'm saying? It's one of the greatest tours out there right now. People come and they're surprised that we have 20 minutes because they're gonna see us for A minute at a time.

[A]

Yeah. A lot of the best on the. In the show's history out there putting on great shows, incredible stuff.

[B]

And me and Fluffy found out we both got a love for cars. Yeah, I was about to bring that up.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, tell us about it.

[B]

I got 80, but he got, like, 70.

[A]

Really? Wow.

[B]

I know, right? I don't have a cocaine habit, so I got to spend the money somewhere.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

That usually gets a laugh anyway.

[A]

Goodness. That's incredible.

[B]

He's got some sick cars.

[A]

You have some sick cars.

[B]

You have some of the most.

[A]

You have the biggest collection, I think, of Volkswagen buses. Right? Like, it's incredible. You guys have been collecting carbs for a long time. And.

[B]

Tony, I know you get a car with a seat warmer, ain't it?

[A]

I do. I love my seat warmer and my steering wheel warmer, too. I have a steering wheel warmer, but.

[B]

A hole in the middle of the seat.

[A]

You son of a. I would take you for a ride if you fit in a Corvette, but unfortunately, it's a little too low.

[B]

You finna put me in the bitch seat, nigga. You guys out here. All right, all right, all right, all right. Come on, now. You know I'm riding.

[A]

Okay. Make some noise for the great David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Go catch him on tour. They're crushing.

[B]

He is so funny.

[A]

It's amazing.

[B]

I love that I got a chance to see him in Vegas. Part of the. You know, the roast and stuff that nobody saw.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But he killed it there, too.

[A]

We had so much fun, so that was a legendary night. So funny, so fun. All right, one last bucket pool. Make some noise for Dom lamarca, everybody. Dom lamarca.

[B]

Today's actually a really big day for me. I'm three months clean. Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

I have been showering still on tons.

[B]

Of drugs, but I smell like dove now. It's pretty sick.

[A]

My.

[B]

My job recently fired me for my punctuality, and I was just like, yo, what does my grammar have to do with any of this? So you guys should be way more.

[A]

Worried about the fact I'm late every day.

[B]

Like, please, not this. My job was to roll burritos, which was cool, but by the end of.

[A]

Every shift, my tongue was so dry.

[B]

They, like, caught on. That's how I was rolling, too. They're like, what's going on? Why burritos always have filters? I was, like, been going on job interviews, though, so that's been cool. I went a job interview the other day.

[A]

It didn't go well.

[B]

I walked in and the first thing the guy says when he sees me, he's like, you seem off. It's like, oh. He's like, yeah, man. Are you high or tired? I was like, I am both. But I think if we put them together, I'm hired. Thank you guys so much.

[A]

Fuck, yeah. Dominic lamarca. Great stuff. How long you been on standup?

[B]

Almost seven years.

[A]

Seven years? Where at?

[B]

I started in Long island, and then I've been out here for like two years.

[A]

Nice. And what do you actually do for work?

[B]

I was working at Jersey Mike's and.

[A]

Then they fired me. They really did fire you for being late?

[B]

No, they didn't really give me a reason. Actually. I think it was just me fundamentally as a person. Unfortunately, they.

[A]

There's like that.

[B]

The owner. The mattress, like, the owner said, you got to go like, wow. Yeah.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah, it's unfortunate. Do. Do you have a new job? I'm working for Door Dash right now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I normally don't like to tell. So you still walk into that Jersey Mics?

[A]

Yeah, I do. I do.

[B]

I pick up orders next to them, and I'll walk in and I'll be like, sucks to suck, guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I'm freelance now. It's pretty sick, dude. I had a doordash order last week. I looked at it, and it was just for a plan B. Pretty crazy. Yeah. I was like, holy shit. You mean to tell me I deliver? So you don't like.

[A]

Wow. I love it. Hell yeah, you're doing it, dude. Fuck yeah, I love it. What else do you do? What do you do for fun?

[B]

For fun?

[A]

Play board games.

[B]

I shoot music videos also for some of the hip hop scene in Austin.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. He led with board games, though.

[A]

What kind of board games are we talking about? What's your specialty?

[B]

Dude, I. I'm sick at Exploding kittens. Wow.

[A]

I've never heard of this game before. What is Exploding Kittens exactly?

[B]

Is this game that got like, kickstarted a few years ago and that just blew up into popularity? And it's just basically, if you grab an exploding kitten, you explode. Unless you could diffuse it. That's.

[A]

It's a board game.

[B]

The more I talk about, the less sense it's gonna make.

[A]

The card.

[B]

The cards. It's like there's a card in there.

[A]

It's like Taco Cat.

[B]

Like, I'm not gonna. Yeah, it's a card game.

[A]

It's Taco Cats. Yeah. The same backwards than it is forward. Wow, that's true.

[B]

See, Redbat knows true Redband Wow, that's so. So bust the nut and a tuna sub. What? Hold on. Is that why I saw that online? I saw that online.

[A]

No, that's not why I got fired. That's not.

[B]

Dude, I was making these videos while I was at work there too.

[A]

I thought they would have fired me.

[B]

For that and nothing like. Yeah, that's what it is.

[A]

Is it really?

[B]

Bust a nut in a tuna sub is the same exact thing.

[A]

Wow, it is. Yeah.

[B]

Well, I mean, I just figured out when he said it. The Internet told me that the other day and they would not lie to me.

[A]

That's Mike. Well, it would be busa.

[B]

You gotta write it down.

[A]

Yeah, it would be Busa.

[B]

Yo, that ain't no taco cat.

[A]

Yeah, it'd be busting little apostrophe over there. Race car is the same backwards. Did you know that?

[B]

No, I didn't, but I just saw it in my head when you said that.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You say you shot hip hop videos? Yeah, yeah. Well, anybody that we might know? Matthew Dub, he's a comic too. He's been on here before. Other than that, just local dudes, man. No, no one that you guys know, People that you will hear of one day.

[A]

Yeah. If we recognize the rapper from being pulled out of the bucket on this show. I don't think it's exactly the highest level.

[B]

I know, dude. I've been telling in Mexican OTs DMS like, please, man, I live in Texas, just let me shoot one for you. Give me a chance.

[A]

And hell yeah. You know what I like about you? You is that you have the stoner vibe, but you're not like too tired or anything. You have like an. An inordinate amount of energy for what you're. For who you are.

[B]

That make. I drank a bang before this.

[A]

Oh, okay, that makes sense. That'll do it.

[B]

That was my prep for the day. I was like, smoke half and drink a bang.

[A]

Wow, look at you for kill, Tony, and you're in tip top shape. Look at that. For those of you watching smoke pot and drink a bang.

[B]

Some people are like put on when they come on here and they're like stoner people. But you are seem very authentic with yourself. It's very endearing that word.

[A]

It's true. It's.

[B]

I cannot believe S Volcano just said that to me. That is so cool, dude. I'm like, sincerely, like, I've been watching you for a while, see you're not invisible. That's wild.

[A]

Yeah, that's amazing. Tell us More about your life. Anything else crazy we should know about? You? You're one of the best looking trans women I've ever seen.

[B]

Yeah, Dominique, I've been asked. Dude, I used to paint my nails. And, like, I remember when I was doing that, like, I went to the 711 I'd been going to my whole life. This guy's known me for 19 years, and he's like, oh, you're a lady now. And I was like, no. Like, yeah, it was crazy. Yeah. You know who you reminds me of? Remember that SNL skit with Chris Farley was like, remember? Like, it was like two minutes ago.

[A]

He's like, that was crazy. Remember that one time? What's your love life like?

[B]

It's pretty dry right now. A little hectic, but, yeah, I. I feel like I have a habit of dating crazy girls.

[A]

Yeah. What was it like when you dropped off that plan B dude?

[B]

Okay, so actually I was supposed to go in the store and buy it.

[A]

For them, and I got in the store and they were out of stock.

[B]

So I had to call him and.

[A]

Like, had to go to a plan C. That.

[B]

Yeah, no, 100%. I was just like, hey, man, like, they're out. Like, you're screwed, but just keep being a city boy. Like, hoodville for life, man. Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Yeah. It sounded like he needed to hear it.

[B]

Honestly, it's like, thank you.

[A]

Last date you were on. What's that? Like, what's going on? On a date with Dom lamarca Doordash. The Duke of Doordash. What's that? Like? It's like in real life, it's kind of like that date from Half Bake.

[B]

Where he's just trying to spend as little as possible. That's. That's really what it's like.

[A]

So, like, the last date you went. You went on. What did you do? Were you. What type of thrifty maneuvers did you do?

[B]

Hey, thrifting, actually.

[A]

The what?

[B]

Thrifting.

[A]

Thrifting.

[B]

Yeah, you go to the thrift store, then you go Taco Bell. You get like a little pack of Cinnabon Delights after, and then you go.

[A]

To Barton, but on the free side. Hell yeah. And did. Did you end up.

[B]

I figured out, man.

[A]

Did you end up closing with that girl?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So what did you do? Where did you make love to her at? In your car?

[B]

No, no, in my apartment that three other dudes also live in.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How many bathrooms in this four dude apartment? We all got our own bathroom.

[B]

Whoa. Do it without them.

[A]

Yeah, that's Amazing.

[B]

Yeah. And unfortunately, leading on to the trans side of things, mine is the cleanest and everyone has to use it. I'm the most feminine in the house, so. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Amazing stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dom, a fantastic set. I've run out of big joke books. Esperanza, got you. Do we have more? Okay. Yeah, they're gonna hand you one when you go.

[B]

Hey, thank you so much.

[A]

Great stuff. Very funny. Dom lamarca, ladies and gentlemen, with this kill Tony debut. Seven years of doing comedy and what a show. What an amazing, amazing night. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. Gentlemen. And that is with the hall of famer with the all time record for appearances on this show. The record holder for all time interviews on the show. Some people call him the prince of the poppers, the king of cool. The vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wait in red band. I'm confused. What did you call the game where you ring somebody's doorbell and run away? What did you call it? Amy Schumer has lost 164 pounds. In related news, the United States is experiencing a critical ozempic shortage. But seriously, the weight loss has increased her mobility, which makes her a lot harder to chase down after she steals a joke. Okay. The pharmacist asked if I was taking any other medications. Do four loco suppositories count? Whenever I think about global warming, I think about oceans rising. Like, think about Epstein island and how over time, more and more of it will get covered up. So we staged that intervention with my buddy, and right before it started, they mentioned he would get a sponsor. And I was like, what the hell?

[B]

He gets paid. Y' all need to intervene.

[A]

My ass. Okay. That's my time. Thank you, William the Red Ruckus Montgomery. Tony, do you understand what red band was. Would call the. We used to just call it Ring and Run.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

That's a. Where on the east coast were you raised? New York.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

That's crazy. Yeah, it's incredible. Ring and Run.

[B]

I've never heard of the racial element. I've never heard.

[A]

Are you never heard. I. I've never heard of Ring and Run. No.

[B]

No.

[A]

It's like popping soda, I think, and Coke. Like people calling it the three different things.

[B]

I think it's like that. That's a racial thing, too.

[A]

No, no, no, no. There's no. There's no.

[B]

Depends how you say it. Yeah.

[A]

William, I got to acknowledge right off the top, you know? Have you ever seen like when a scruffy dog gets a cute haircut. That's a. You got a little haircut, didn't you? Thank you. I had to get a little puppy cut. I got a little puppy cut up at Petco petsmart.

[B]

You.

[A]

You laid down on the table, got up at Petco Petsmart pony. But, yeah, no, I had to go to my cousin's wedding back in Memphis this past weekend. Wow. And I hadn't gotten a haircut since December. Wow. Yeah. So I had to do that so my parents would be happy to see me. It looks. It's like I get Memphis and it's wonderful, but it's like we drive back to my parents house, the first thing I see is where young Dolph got assassinated in front of the cookie store. And I'm like, God, this scary. The great, legendary young Dolph. I love. Huge young Dolph fan.

[B]

Yeah, Young Dolph.

[A]

So saw where he got taken out, which is very sad. But, yeah, the wedding was very nice. And my parents really like the haircut. Wow. It is incredible. It's like when a scruffy. Why is that funny? Just get sweet. Yeah. You got a little puppy cut. Puppy cut from Petco Pet Smart, Tony. I love it. What else have you been up to this week, William? I'm up to 2 million meters on the row machine.

[B]

2 million.

[A]

2 million meters, ladies, and 2 million on the row machine. I had a horrible cyst on my face, Tony. It looked it had been there over a year and it was starting to stink. Oh, God. Sickening. Yeah. Sometimes I'd kiss Gator, my little dog's stomach, and I'd think to myself, what, did Gator just step in or something? But it was actually my face. Oh, my. So it was sickening. And then the other day this past week, somebody started finally leaking out of it after over a year. And Tony, I got two little pieces of rubbing alcohol wipes and I got up to the mirror and I push it and Tony, it was the sickest shit. It literally squirted out of my face and hit the mirror with such force it splashed onto the mirror and. Tony. It was horrible because I was trying to smell it the whole time, but the alcohol wipes made it so I could only smell the alcohol. Gosh darn it, but it was sickening. Wow. That is. Yeah, absolutely. So that was exciting. That was the most exciting thing that happened to me this week other than my cousin Grace getting married. Wow. That is amazing. Congratulations.

[B]

Shout out to Grace.

[A]

Yeah, shout out to Grace and Wesley. They're in Africa right now. They went to Africa for their honeymoon? Yeah. Wow. They're getting a divorce. Something's gonna go wrong there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Check in with our senior Africa. African correspondent John Dees. Dees, what do you think about white people honeymooning in Africa? They're going to Senegal, you know. Senegal?

[B]

That's a terrible idea.

[A]

Terrible idea. Well, they're there right now. I don't know what to. Yeah, okay. What else have you been up to this week, William? Anything exciting? Anything? Anything have you excited about life and insights inspired in any way?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Watching the Manning guy totally melt down because I grew up the giant Florida Gators fan and just watch fucking Texas go from what, number one preseason of fucking out of the rankings was pretty sweet, Tony, because I kind of can't stand Texas. Whoa. Whoa. The Gators suck right now. And the Gators still beat Texas, so that makes Texas look worse, by the way, because Florida sucks right now. But that's how bad Texas is. That's how bad the Manning kid is.

[B]

He's horrible.

[A]

Whoa. He's. He's actually a huge fan of the show. And a huge fan specifically of yours. Well, he knows I'm kidding right now.

[B]

We talk on the phone.

[A]

He knows I'm kidding. He knows I'm kidding. It's part of our relationship. Relationship. I'm like, dude, you lost to the Gators. I'm going to talk about your dumb ass.

[B]

He's like, dude, don't go too hard.

[A]

And I was like, dude, name some of your favorite football players of all time. Who do you. Who are some of your favorite football players of all time in the great mind of William Montgomery? Here we go. Favorite football.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

What's Red Band doing? Why is he just making a silly little face over there? What was that? Making a face? Were you trying to make it so I can't remember football players names? Is that what you're trying to do? Trying to throw them off with this kind of stuff? Why are you doing that? You're like a little child, dude. You know, I struggle with these lists. Tony gets my ass to do sometimes. Like, you're making it that much more difficult. Funny faces. Do you see what I have to deal with, Tony? It's like that's why I've been struggling with the list. It's like I have to look at his stupid ass. Whoa. And he looks so much like his mom. And when I'm going to pound town with his mom, by the way, your mom loves it. I've been on the row machine Red Band. Name some of your favorite football players. William. EMT Smith. Okay, not. You're not that excited about emt. Keep naming your very favorite ones.

[B]

Tim Tebo.

[A]

That's a big one. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Tim.

[A]

William. Thinking hard to figure out a third football player. Ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

You got this.

[A]

Julio knows more. NFL great Julio Jones. Oh, great wide receiver for Bama. You got this, William. Do one where you're not that excited about it so the horn players can do that funny thing where they just kind of trickle away sadly. Tom Brady. Wow. Okay. Name one more that you're really excited about. Who do you think the greatest football player of all time is? William. They're probably watching right now. A lot of people yelling out. OJ Audience. There's a lot of people yelling out a lot of. A lot of names right now. William is William. Why don't you just name some of your favorite types of candy or something instead? I didn't realize that I know you that you would stall out like this. It's your favorite kind of candy, William. Starburst right now, probably. Wow. Okay. What else? Chocolate. No, not all M M's are chocolate. Peanut butter. M M's. Okay. I mean, what's your favorite candy? What kind of candy really gets you excited? Peanut butter. Snickers. Toad. Wow. William Montgomery. Get down. Jesus. There he goes. William, my daughter. This episode brought to you by Nick Talk Space and quo salvolcano comedy.com for tickets, the Chicago Theater, the Beacon theater in New York, the Ryman theater in Nashville. And his new podcast coming this fall is called Minouche. Keep your eyes open for that. The great Sal Volcano. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in and it is unbelievably cool. Gabriel Inglesias is on tour. Fluffyguy.com he's killing it. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. I'm so grateful you guys came. Thank you so much.

[B]

Thanks for having us. So always a good time.

[A]

So much goddamn fun.

[B]

Keep an eye on that merch. Hell yeah, keep an eye on that.

[A]

I want some of that black label tapatio. Thank you to everybody and everything. One more time for the best damn baby band in the land. Red band.

[B]

Check out the Sunsetscriptatx.com secret show every Thursday. Yep.

[A]

And I'm going to the Maverick center in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a couple other cool places. Kind of taking it easy for the rest of the year. But Tony hinchcliff.com still a few tickets available for New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. A huge annual event this year. We're at the majority Moody center for the first time ever. Big upgrade from our dear friends from the Heb Center. We love you guys. Thank you so much, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you, Sam.

[B]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.