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Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Radbeck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it over. Tony Hitchcliff. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Evie, mix it on. Terrific, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land, The Kill Tony band. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Michael Gonzalez. Anachos Belgrande. How about a hand for the great Shawn Greenberg all the way to the end playing guitar. One of the best in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Marcus King is joining us. His brand new album, Darling Blue, available everywhere. Literally one of the best in the world. He just plays with us sometimes because not only is he a great musician, he has a great sense of humor, too. He's not like a one of these woke musicians out there just trying to pander to whatever. This motherfucker's gonna win Grammys and he's gonna do it laughing all the way. The great John D's on the keys, as always, the man that puts it all together. The backbone, the blackbone, if you will. And right here, live in the flesh. Truly the one and the only, the great and the powerful. That is D Madness right there. Holy shit. What a show we have for you. It is a very, very special night. You're gonna find out more. Second. Right now, let's find out more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Black Friday Savings are here at the Home Depot, which means it's time to add new cordless power to your collection. Right now, when you buy a select battery kit from one of our top brands like Ryobi or Milwaukee, you'll get a select tool from that same brand for free. Click into one of our best deals of the season and stock up on tools for all your upcoming projects. Get Black Friday Savings happening now at the Home Depot. Limit 1 per transaction exclusions apply. Full eligible tool list in store and online. So good, so good, so good. New markdowns are on at your Nordstrom rack store. Save even more up to 70% on dresses, tops, boots and handbags to give and get. Cause I always find something amazing. Just so many good brands. I get an extra 5% off with my Nordstrom credit card Total Queen treatment. Join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack to unlock our best deals. Big gifts, big perks. That's why you rack. This episode is brought to you by White Claw Search. Great podcast pick, friend. No surprises there. After all, you're all about finding the tastiest flavors out there. Just like White Claw Surge. And with big bold flavors to enjoy like blood orange, BlackBerry, cranberry and more. It's time to go all in on taste. Unleash the flavor. Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard seltzer with flavors, 8% alcohol by volume. White cloth seltzer works Chicago, Illinois SA. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, well, well. It is truly a special one indeed because Redban and I are celebrating five years of living in Austin, Texas. My, how the time has flown. Just a couple LA boys were living the dream. Had the Comedy Store by the fucking balls, we were running the joint, we could have done anything we wanted and instead we took a chance on a crazy little fucking hip rock and roll awesome ass fucking city. And it all happened because of tonight's guest. Now a lot of people get it twisted. They think, oh shit, you know, this guy owns the. He owns a comedy club, so it must be this guy. But the person that actually started this gangster shit wasn't Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan was convinced to move here by the one of the wisest fucking sage comedians of all time. He's been basically everybody's favorite comedian since we were 12, 13, whatever, you name it. And he really started the Austin comedy scene. He was here first and he hangs out with us every fucking week. He's truly the man. On top of being one of the greatest comedians of all time. There's only one guest tonight, ladies and gentlemen. It is the undeniable goat, Ron White. Oh my God. Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise for the Silver Gold. Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. The the ambassador of Austin, the Silver King. The Baron of what? I don't know, I thought. Welcome, Ron White. So thank you very much. Thank you very much. Good to see you everybody. Marcus, Godamn right, the man. Light up your face. You walk in our room, see Marcus King. The whole band's rocking and rolling as usual. Fun hang. Good to be be here. Good to be here. We're so Happy to have you. Ron was a pivotal person in the show's wild success. When we moved to Austin, Ron would step in and be a guest on the show anytime we needed him. He was the bridge of us coming out of the LA pandemic, doing episodes in front of an empty main room at the Comedy Store. I mean we were just, it was unlistenable, the show because of lockdowns. There was nobody in the room. We had people doing minute long sets in an empty room and we had to pretend like it wasn't the most depressing thing ever. And we had to try to guess whether it was really funny or not. It was psychotic. They were sitting over on the side. It was all insane. The whole thing was crazy. And we came here and we fucking started doing real live shows in front of live audiences again. And it was a great era and Ron was there for us every step of the way and so thank you, Ron, and welcome. Let's have some. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. You know, I was a fan of the show back in, in la and the first time I saw it I thought, God, this kid is on to something, you know, I mean it just, it was such an interesting format. I just kind of believed in it. And I really promoted Tony coming down here because he's fun to hang out with. So I'm like, yeah, we were put a full court press on Tony. We were having a lot of. And he showed me around, showed me all the music places, the bars, all the chaos. And we've been doing Kill Tony absolutely forever. So you know how it works, Ron. Over 300 innocent souls are packed into a bar next door. If I pull their name out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna let this. I'm gonna let this fuckin poor pale, vitamin D kneading fucking ghost still has some of his Halloween makeup on. It appears. Pull the first name. And while we go wrangle that comedian, I'm going to bring up a man who famously is not a golden ticket winner. He's not a regular. He is his own special thing. Everybody has a different path. I used to bring this guy on stage, stage because he started standup and I thought he was fun to drink with and smoke with and have late nights with. And he was not that great at standup when he started, but he was so funny. Off stage that I kept giving him spots. He famously gets better and better almost every single time we see him. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return. A brand new minute kicking off the show from uncle Laser, everybody. Hey, my parents are divorced, if you couldn't tell. And if your parents are divorced, I really don't fucking trust you, to be honest. If you ain't never been dropped off in a Walmart parking lot on Christmas Eve in the back, right? Like a hostage negotiating situation, or your mama got a flick of light at your daddy's car. Cause they don't want to see each other in person. Just to go to your second Christmas. You don't know trauma. If you ain't ever seen your daddy pull your mom out of bar for drinking too much. They get in domestic dispute, put the clothes on the ground. You got to lie to the cops about who started the fight. You don't know loyalty. Listen, my mom and daddy split when I was nine. All right? My daddy is a straight, lace, God fearing Christian. He goes to work tired, he comes home sore. Well, mama, well, she's retarded. They see my mom all of Metallica in the 80s. She's built for tough. You know, she actually had a landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I got this haircut. And I remember the first day they split. I remember when it happened. We was driving on I10. My mama got us lost. My daddy's arguing with her. My mom ain't much arguing. She wants to punch real quick, right? And I got so scared that I swallowed a bunch of fucking lifesavers and I started choking. To maybe bring them together as a team, you know, to maybe salvage their marriage. They divorced three weeks later. My name's Uncle Laser. Y' all been great. Thank God. Uncle Laser. Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started tonight. Not an easy spot. Being the cold opener. And here you are working. Beats talking about your real life. Talking about your parents. Are you still. I know your mom. Your mom, she'll try and kiss you. Your mom loves me, boy. Oh, does his mom love me. Lettuce spaghetti. You had to. You had to pull her off of me. That parking. Hey, you know, let him get dressed, you know, saying yeah. He's like, come on, mom, you're embarrassing me. And. And she's like, come on, let me do what I want. That's where he gets his voice from. Yeah. It's not from his dad. It's from his mom. How many packs of cigarettes you think she smokes a day? Well, yeah, Enough. You get the picture. Everybody, if he's. Wonder if he's doing math over there, that tells the whole story. She worked at Fredo Lay for 30 years. Years. Oh, that's why she's dusty. When she breastfed me. It tastes like Cheeto puffs. You know what I'm saying? So that's why. Uncle Laser, tell us about your life. What's going on? Anything crazy? You want to hear some? I mean, I just asked for it. I beat the out of this boy after my show one night in Phoenix, and I want to tell you about it. Oh, let's talk about it. So before I go any further, you might see me. And listen, if you got titties and you want me to sign them, I'll sign them. There's no sweat off my back. There's no sweat off my back. I love it. But red band. You want him to sign your tits? Not again. But the other day, I posted a real me sign. This really attractive girl's titties. And I don't mind that. You know, sort of my bra. And. But she said, hey, I want to go to the after party with you after the show. This is the fifth show I've done. It was in Phoenix at the house comedy. And I was like, let me go get my check. And when I come back, they're at the bar, and there's a guy in a wife beater, and he's calling her like a. A slut and a, like, loud. Because you signed her. No, no, no, no. And. And I thought. I was like, was that her boyfriend? And so I know. I asked her friends, is that her boyfriend? She goes, no, it's some rando that came up and tried to buy her a drink, and she didn't want the drink, and so he's calling her. I go, well, hey, you. I said, you can't talk to a woman like that. And he goes, what are you gonna do about it? I go, I'll bite your nose off. You could re. You could reach his nose without a stool. Okay, we knife. No, we're not. You just have a hood. No, we're not. Don't make me stand up right now. All right. No. Michael. You son of a. We are not the same. You better take it back. All right, I'm. I'm a half inch shorter, dude. I'm sorry, dude, Half an inch. But old boys start getting loud, and they separate us, and old girl's like, hey, let's just go. Like, you already performed here. You got your check. You don't Know me. Let's go. And so me and her and her friends, we walked out to her car. Well, we get almost to a car in the hair. Hey, I'll kill you. And he's like running up to. To us and he barrels over those girls like her friends to get to me when I just popped him. But when I say I popped him, I completely missed. Yeah. Like, I'm talking, like, you ever try to punch somebody in a dream and you're just out here? Oh, yeah. And when he. When I miss, he grabbed my leg while I wrestle and I do the 10th plane. So, like, I like, fish nose that up in here. And I use his weight. And I mounted him. Now when I mounted him, I put my elbow in his throat. I was like, look, motherfucker. Wow. I could kill you. I could kill you. But I don't want to do that. I want to go try to this girl. And you're fucking this up by screaming and hollering. Dumb, I said. And I punched him twice on the ground. That was for me from missing the first time. And I like. I like, listen, motherfucker, I was. I can kill you now, boy, right? I said, But I want you to get up. I want you to say sorry. I want you get in your car now. Listen, Tony, I've been in enough fights in my life, got my ass beat enough. When you give up, you can feel it. When a man gives up, he just lets go. Yeah. And he let go. And he looked up at me, I swear to God, he goes, I'm really sorry, man. You had a great set tonight. Oh, and I. That girl till the morning time. I've been like that since grade school, since Father Friendly Hands and the boys taught me about Colossus, you know what I'm saying? Like, wow. Chivalry ain't dead. Look at that. Wow. Ron White. What do you think about all that? You know, I. I never. I never really got you, you know, I never did. I didn't. And. But to see you really turning into a comic, man, and talking about your life and getting laughs and set up and plays like, you know, that's really encouraging, man. I think that's great. It really is. So congratulations. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, man. Great. That's all we can. That's all. All of it. Going to move forward. Five years ago, he was the second show I ever did. The second, like, literally, swear to God. Yeah, yeah, seemed like it. But I was telling people on the road this. This weekend in the car when we were in Salt Lake City, I was telling them, Uncle Laser took the ball and ran with it. He took the ticket draws that he could, went to every city, headlined the small comedy clubs, went back to those city, got the medium comedy clubs, and now you're doing the big comedy. You're just doing it, man. That's how you do it. So keep doing it. Uncle Lazer got the show started tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And now we move to the bread and butter of the show, the Bucket, where we meet people sometimes for the very first time. Anything can happen. They can embarrass themselves and it can end up terrible. They can literally make it out of this bucket. Last week we crowned a brand new regular who you're going to meet later on in this show. So he's going to be rich for the rest of his life. That's what can happen on this show. So 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview. Going to your first bucket pull of the night, it is Cameron Ilig, ladies and gentlemen, Cameron Ilig. Oh, man, I want kids. I mean, my own. I want my own kids. I want my own. I don't want to just go look around for them. I want my own kids. I want a son. I want a son. I just don't want to have one of those sons that takes his pants all the way down at the urinal. Like, that's my biggest fear. Every man in here has been sexually harassed by a six year old at some point at the urinal, because you'll be at the urinal, you'll be right there, stanced up, midstream. Some kid comes up next to you, gets completely naked, and now you're three feet away from a felony. Just all of a sudden you're midstream, you can't stop, you have a bad prostate, you're stuck. And then if someone else comes into the bathroom, you gotta be like, I do not know that fucking kid. I swear to God, he came onto me, look what he's wearing. You know, like. And then you have to explain why your pants are down also. And it just gets, just. I never learned, you know, that's why me personally, I'm all for only stall men's restrooms. I am only stalls. That way you get your own private kid, you know, like, that's, that's what I want. All right, thanks, guys. Cameron Ilig. We know you, Cam. You moved here with your friend Cam Patterson. Yeah, Yep. Keeps following me. He's what name? Keeps following me around. Yeah, yeah, you guys were the two Cams. One is now a Star. And here you are signing up, talking about basically molesting children in private bathroom stalls. He's on Saturday Night Live and you're literally talking about little kids penises. I am. It's perfect. You're amazing. You're adorable. You look like one of Santa's elves tonight. It's absolutely an adorable red and green flannel you have. Welcome back, Cameron. Good to be here. How's stand up been going for you? How long you been doing it now? Four years. Four years. So tell us, how's it going? You're here in Austin? I think I gave it the college try. I think this is my graduation. I'm done. You failed? Yeah. Thank you. How's life? What do you do? What do you do for work, Cameron? Now I just work from home, remote sales. But there's a guy that. There's a guy that totally was positive. You worked in remote sales from home? He's so excited about it, he couldn't control himself. That guy's head just fucking exploded in the middle of the room. For those of you watching or perhaps just listening to the podcast, it is unbelievable. He goes, oh, I fucking knew it. His head exploded. There's people covered in blood in row 15. Mid row 15. Cameron, why do you think it is that people, when they see you are positive that you work in remote sales from home? I figured I have permanent door to door sales face like solar panels. I almost did a minute about solar panels but not remote sales. You know, I think I have the face for in person. How long have you been selling remotes? I. Oh, all right. What are you selling remotely? Just software. Some. Wow, it gets even worse. Just gets more boring. I was hoping it was like, you know, powerful dildos or something like that, but no, it's just software. Craziest thing that's happened to you while on a sales call. I mentioned 911 on accident. Ooh, tell us about that. I didn't mention 9 11. He said, so the deal's going on at 9 11. And then I laughed and he said, 911 is the close date. And I went, yeah, that's the craziest thing. It doesn't go crazy. Cameron, what's your love life like right now? You seem to be a good looking guy that seems to have a little bit of a serial killer vibe to him. Tell us what, how's your love life going? I don't have one right now. Really? Yeah, just chilling. What's the last date you went on? What was that like? I just got out of relationship, so that's long ago. A while ago. What's a wild eo? Like five months. Okay. How long was that relationship? Like a year and a half. And why did it end? No reason. Just amicable. Did you kill her? Yeah. What do you mean, no reason? A year and a half long relationship. There kind of has to be a reason. We went on a trip in a caravan, and I just ditched the caravan in a ditch somewhere. You ditched her on vacation? Yeah. Okay, where was this vacation at? Where did you go on this caravan vacation? No, it was just a thing. It was a. It's getting more suspicious with every answer. Brian Laundrie. Dude, he killed his girlfriend or something, okay? Mm. You're making a joke about that. Yes. Okay, so why did the relationship really end? It really ended for no reason. It was amicable. And then I stabbed her 10 times in the back. All right, Cameron. Cameron. So you haven't been on a date since this relationship ended? No. Why not? I don't know. You're clearly not focused on your material and performing. Like, what are you doing in lieu of being in love? I just don't do the dating apps. I don't like the hinge. I don't like that. So what are you waiting. Like, how are you gonna meet somebody, huh, after that wild pitch for Love Supermarket, I imagine. Ron, what do you think about this young buck? What do you think? I don't. You know, so four years doing sets and. And I know that was a brand new minute, and you have to do that when you come out here, right? So that's all brand new stuff. Yeah, it was horrible. I wasn't horrible. But, you know, I don't even know what kind of advice to give you. Except for four years isn't very much, you know, for you're still very, very new in the business, so, you know, I don't think I'd give up tonight, you know, I think you got some potential. Thanks. It's true. Coming out with Cam could get in your head a little bit, you know, watching his wild success, but he's just a different type of beast. Does that ever affect you? Knowing that you came out with a guy that literally, completely made it the exact same time span that you could have? No, I can only be more. I can't be more proud. Yeah. You guys are still friends? We're still friends. Yeah. You talk to him? You communicate with them? Yeah. He texts you back? He calls me. Whoa. Yeah. FaceTime. Wow, look at that. That's your biggest credit right now, Cameron. FaceTime with Cam Patterson. Yeah, fun times. You already have a big joke book, right? Is it filled up? Oh yeah. Okay, here's another one. There you go, Cameron. It like. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Boom. On to the next one we go. Cameron could have pulled a glass of water out of the. Oh my goodness. There she is, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Her new podcast, Love on the Line comes out on Tuesdays heidy regina.com I think she may be signing some posters after the show in the lobby so you can meet the actual Heidi. Hello. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. You and I make decisions every day, but on Prize picks being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement on this season on Prize Picks. Whether you're a football fan, basketball fan, or a fan of both like me, it always feels good to be right all the time. Red Band Tony. I love Prize picks. I'm really enjoying the start of the NBA season and the current NFL season. Playing the game is so fun and simple on Prize Picks. I'm personally loving Josh Allen. Dreamy. And I'm picking him for over 1.5 passing touchdowns. What a set of picks. Red Band Prize picks is simple to play. Just pick more or less on at least two player stats. If you get your picks right, you could cash in. Play prize picks to get action on football and basketball in more than 40 plus states including California, Texas and Georgia. And prize picks now offer stacks, meaning you can pick the same player up to three times in the same lineup. Want to pick on Steph Curry's points, three pointers and assists? Now you can pick all of them in the same lineup only on Prize picks. Download the Prize Picks apps today and use Code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Tony to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup lineup. Prize picks. It's good to be right. Oh hey there. Hi. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. When I started this podcast, it seemed like I had to figure it out all on my own. Stage time, set up, filming schedules, logos. It was all overwhelming. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to do list keeps growing. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life. Finding the right tool that helps you simplify everything can be such a game changer for millions of businesses. That tool is Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started Redban Tony. I love Shopify. It's amazing. It really can transform your business into something amazing. You can get started with your own design studio. Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write podcast descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance your product photography. That's right, get the word out. Like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. So turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side, Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony shopify.com kill Tony. Your next comedian is one of my favorite door guys here at the mothership. I'm so happy he got pulled out of the bucket. A very funny man makes some noise for the one and only Fuzzy, everybody. Here comes Fuz. Yeah, I wasn't supposed to be here, but the last comic said, 9, 11, 3 times, so. I am from Pakistan. It's tough, bro. Middle Eastern men get no pussy. This is true. There was a study done. Middle Eastern men get the least pussy in America. There was a study done. A guy followed me around with a clipboard for a few days. This kid's got no motion. That's why I'm pro arranged marriage. That shit works. The problem is the game has changed. Back in the day, it was simple. All you needed was a goat. That seems like a bad deal, right? Who would do that? A goat for a beautiful new Muslim bride. What a bad trait. But put yourself in the groom's perspective. He's just meeting this woman. He's been fucking that goat for years, dude. Wow. Absolutely perfect. That's how it's done, Fuzzy. Working beats on the room. Bing, bang, boom. Left, left, right. Hitting all the punches. Unlike Uncle Laser after a show in Phoenix. Absolutely nailing it. Welcome, Fuzzy. One of my favorite door guys. One of my favorite faces to see. Thank you, Tony. It's good to see you. We love. Me and Fuzzy love each other. We have a hell of a relationship with that. We really do. We really do. You're my favorite. Well, you're my second favorite Middle Easterner is Hasan. Middle Eastern by technicality, but Indian. He's like, faking it. Yeah, it's all the same. You guys could both play in a movie about Saddam Hussein or something. Fuzzy, how's life going? Life's amazing, Tony. I feel great. I feel like a million bucks. Wow. Amazing. You look like 20 bucks. Well, 20 never hurt nobody. That's right. That's right, Fuzz. So tell us about life. What are you up to? What's your living situation? Tell the people what it's like. You've been in Austin for how long? Almost five years. And you came from Wisconsin and here you are. Oh, great. We got some alcoholic retards in here, that's all. Yeah, perfect. Go Pac guy. Yeah, some cheese eating chuds in here. That's what we got. So tell us about your, your life, Fuzz. Life's amazing. I've got a 330 square foot studio on the east side, East 5th Street. I'm the king of that little two block radius right there. I say everything the light touches. That's Tony. He's the king. Oh, in that little two blocks on 5th. You don't want to go there. That's your hood. I'm the king over there. Wow, look at that. How far east is it pretty? It's far. Is it the Middle East? It's about the Middle East. It's far. It's over there. Yeah, I love it. Fuzz, tell us about your neighborhood. What do you love about your neighborhood? Coffee shops. Oh, yeah. Coffee shops. Yes. Whole Foods. Ooh, Target. Let's go. Sexy women. Ooh, yeah. Hell yeah. Keeps you in check. Absolutely. Having hot girls around. What do you like to do when you see a sexy woman? You are so sexy. You are most beautiful princess. Is this the same place that you talked about last time you were on the show? Or like, you. You had this whole thing about where you lived and it was like really horrible. Oh, no. Yeah. Thank God I'm not. You moved. Yeah, I moved. There was a lot of Mexicans over there. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wow, wow, wow. I love racism. Amazing. What is it about the Mexicans that you don't like? I do like Mexicans. I just don't like living around them. That's. You know what, that's fair. I think everyone here could agree with that, even the Mexicans. I see. Michael agrees completely. He wants to live near the whites. Yeah, I love it. So this new neighborhood, is it, is it, is it a lot of whites, blacks? What are we talking about? It's a lot of whites. Wow. It's a lot of whites. Yeah, yeah, we love that. Yeah. Whole Foods is just cool. Oh, it's fucking awesome, dude. I go there, I steal food all the time from that. What type of food do you steal? Mashed potato. What's your process? So teach these people how to steal from Whole Foods. Food. So it's easy, dude, this is all you got to do. You got to walk in there. Don't go straight to the hot bar. You got to throw them off your trail a little off the trail. Yeah, exactly. You go to the deli, you don't get anything that. It's Whole Foods. It's expensive, as you know. So you go to the deli, then you make a few more rounds. You go, oh, I guess I could use some paper towels. You get one extra thing. You get one extra thing, and then you go to the hot bar, you load it up, and you load it all up onto the right side. So here's the box, right? Yeah. So there's a box. Yeah. And you put it all on the right side of that fucking thing. Yeah. And then when you go and weigh it, you. You kind of. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Yeah. And you teeter it off to the side. Oh, my. And it's like, so. Oh. There's no weight on the actual sensor. It comes out to, like, $2 every time. It's like $20 worth of food. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. So I'm stealing from the hot bar. Wow. 100% Pakistani, 50% Jewish. It's amazing. It's going to Whole Foods and paying half price. This kid is unbelievable. All mashed potatoes. All mashed potatoes. You are on a mashed potato diet right now? Yeah. Was this recommended by a doctor or something? Is he telling you you need more mashed potatoes? I just love him, man. You love mashed potatoes. They used to actually. At this old grocery store in my hometown, Wisconsin, they called me the mashed potato man. Wow. Me too. Wow. Yeah. Because I would go and I would go to the hot bar, kind of do the same operation. I've been pulling this trick for years, but it doesn't matter if it's Whole Foods or anywhere. Fuck them. And my roommate was the dairy manager at this grocery store. So I would go in there, I'd get hot mashed potatoes every day, but he's always in the back by the milk, you know, Like a fucking true white guy. Yeah. And one day, he's out in the front of the store, and I'm getting mashed potatoes, and I go, oh, yo, what's up, Zach? And his co worker goes to him, goes, you know the mashed potato man? Wow. And he goes, I fucking live with him. That's my roommate. Wow, that is amazing. Now, do you ever do instant mashed potatoes out of the box? Do you ever make your own, or are you just straight up stealing pre made mashed potatoes. I'm always trying to get the fucking hot food mashed potatoes if I can. But if I'm real down bad, I'll do instant. I've never made them. I didn't even know you could skin on. There's a way to do it. Let's go to our chief instant mashed potato correspondent Brian Redban here who tell by his everything has been surviving off of box mashed potatoes for decades. Do you like it skin on? You like it chunky? What kind of mashed potatoes you like? Great question. That is a very good question. Do you mix butter in with your mashed potatoes? Are you a sour cream and bacon bits guy? What are we talking about? Chives? No bacon, no bake. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No bacon? Can you guys believe I got this fat without eating bacon? Come on. Now we're going to check in with our channel chief bacon correspondent Brian Redburn. Where he's from, cow is a God. Right? So you can't eat the bacon. Is that why? I think Brian has it confused. Got it a little confused and that's okay. Can we get a Sonomat up? Yeah, please. It's not our chief global culture correspondent. He's just in charge of bacon and mashed potatoes. Gets a little tricky, but how do you like your perfect mash? Before I let you. This is the longest interview about mashed potatoes in the history of the show. It's a record setting. If I'm at a nice place, nice steakhouse. Put some skin on that. Whoa. Put some red skin. Can you say that anymore? Put some. Put some Washington football team mashed potatoes. Yeah, absolutely. Hell yeah. Fuzzy, you're absolutely killing it. I would love to have you on the secret show with Fuzzy. You just got booked on a real show. There's a real joke book run. Hey, you got anything you want to say? One thing. Hold on. Can I say one thing? Yeah. Ron White. I've got. One of the fun things about working this club is you get to watch these guys come and mature and grow as comics and you're doing a fucking great job. And I'd like. I got the 7 o' clock show tomorrow. You want to come do it with me? I'd love to, Ron. Whoa. Opening the fat man of the mothership tomorrow night. You just watched a young man book two spots on a Tuesday and a Thursday from trying to sign up on a Monday here in Austin, Texas. I love you, you Austin. There's people saying that if you want to make it, there's Idiots in LA and New York, like, yeah, it's just trans jokes. In Austin, it's like, that's nine minutes on mashed potatoes right there. These people are so full of bunch of conspiracy theories about Austin. We're like, tell us more about mashed potatoes. Anyway. I mean, mashed potatoes kind of are the transition potatoes if you think about it, like, they started as one thing and ended up being all mushy. And anyway, sometimes there's bacon, sometimes there's sour cream. Okie dokie. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool looks like it could be a familiar name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Jesse Vasquez, everybody. Jesse Vasquez. Jesse, what's going on? Kill Tony, what's going on? All right, I want to say something to bring the crowd together real quick. The stars at night are big and bright. All right, I appreciate that's a little weak, but I appreciate it, guys. Or I feel like if Texas was. If Texas needed an enema, we'd stick it in Houston. All right, what's going on, guys? I'm the guy that says, all right, all right, all right. A lot I get told I have a crazy face. I feel like I get told I look like I want to kill people a lot. And I feel like that comes in handy. That came in handy when I was in prison because I feel like the last thing you want to look like in prison is approachable. Okay, where are we gonna go with this next one? All right, black people. All right. What do. What is okay? I mean, it's gonna get worse. What does a blind person and a black person have in common? They both never seen their father. All right, why wasn't there any black people on Epstein Island? The Carnival cruise line didn't stop there. Did I get the meow? Yes, I'm good. Tony, Jesse Vasquez is back. Welcome back, Jesse. How's it going, Jesse? How do you feel like that went? I'm just say, okay, Tony. At 13 seconds, you started material. At 23 seconds, you said, okay, let's go. Good to be here. Something like that. You reset again. Yeah. And. And then when all else failed at 45 seconds, you just did two quick racist jokes that barely really qualify as jokes, but they. They were something. How are. How are they going at the open mics? You working out a lot? I'm trying to get better, Tony. Yes, sir. So how often are you performing during the week? I've been trying to get up at least three or four times a week. Tony, you don't have to say my name for every answer. And you work the door. You're our door guy there. The dizzy rooster. Are you working tonight? I just got off work. Yes, sir. Okay. All right. And remind, how long ago were you on the show? Seems recent to feel last month, Tony. Okay, I did it again. All right. And how has life changed for you since last month, Jesse? Tell us something crazy about your life, Jesse. You're on a live podcast right now. Well, I got recognized a couple times when I've worked at acl. That's about it. It was pretty fun, but, like, mostly it's. The nerves are gone. Dude, you're less nervous now. Oh, yeah. These people. I got booed by all you guys the last time I was up here. 10 seconds. 10 seconds into my set. So, yeah, that helped a lot. That's. It's crazy to think that this set was a massive improvement from whatever happened last time. Yes, sir. This is amazing. Yeah. Let's check in with the king of Texas, the great Ron White. I would recommend that if you have 60 seconds, that you don't start off with a song because it looks like you're trying to kill time when you have no time to kill. Got it. Just come out and do the first joke, man. Just come out and do it. And whether it sucks or not, you know, at least we don't have to sing that song. Yes, sir. There's no doubt. There's no audience participation. We don't feel like we were part of it, so. But anyway, I just. Just come out and do the jokes. Yes, sir. There's no doubt about it. That's perfect advice. Anybody listening should absolutely take that advice. There's only certain kind of people that want to almost settle down the crowd that can say, how you doing, Austin? People that don't know you, you know, we did that. This show's been going on for about 35 minutes now. So you being like, are you guys ready to party? Like, we've already been doing it. Got it. All right. Last time. I'm guessing you got a little joke book. Yes, sir. Well, there you go. Go fill it up, Jesse. Go fill it up. We're gonna keep it moving along here. Short interview for Jesse. Four minute long interview for Jesse. Eight minutes on Mashed Potatoes for Fuzzy. That's how crazy this show is. Anything can happen. If you seem absolutely boring, you're gone. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso Gift. Magical mornings with Nespresso Vertuo Pop. Compact and stylish, Vertuo Pop is Made to meet every morning coffee craving. From espresso to coffee coffee, hot or iced at the click of a button. And celebrate the season with Nespresso's limited edition coffee flavors. Sweet almond and hibiscus cinnamon and candy tamarind and festive double espresso. Magic in the making shop the holiday gift Collection exclusively@nespresso.com oh, hello. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. What if you could consistently find whatever it is you're looking for? We're talking everything from parking spots to holiday gifts. Imagine how much time you'd save. Well, you may never instantly find these things. If you're hiring, you can find qualified candidates right away time and time again with ZipRecruiter. And today you could try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony. Tony, I think ZipRecruiter is the best hiring site out there. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology works fast to find the top talent. With ZipRecruiter's advanced resume database, you can unlock top candidates contact info instantly. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2. Want to know right away how many qualified candidates are in your area? Look no further than Zip Recruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And right now you could try it for free@ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony. Again that ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter the smartest way to hire. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a golden ticket winner here ready to make a long awaited return. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Colin Sledge. Everybody make some noise for Colin. Thank you. So I moved to Austin. I'm a little worried about fitting in. You know, I went to my. I went to my first show and this guy in the green was going on like, you know, when I'm on stage, man, that's the real me. And then he went up and did seven minutes of rape jokes. It was me. You know, now that I'm an Austin comic, I've been working on my Tony impression. Unbelievable. Incredible. Who's ready for the best fucking blowjob of their lives? Pew. Sorry. Thank you. No, I owe Tony so much. I owe the show so much. It's, you know, best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. Wait. Tony's like a father to me, you know, because just like my dad, he's always calling me a gay retard. All right. Colin Sledge. Indeed, a gay retard. Welcome, Colin. Hi. Thank you. How are you? How's it going? I'm a little nervous, but I feel okay. I love it. I love it. You dressed up like this for this spot to do that Austin joke? Yeah. You did fake tattoos and everything? Yes. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah. That's why I texted you earlier in the day. I was like. It's like, yeah, I gotta figure out this now because I have to put them on. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible the work that you put in for this set. Thank you. A phoned in impression of me and tattoo. Fake tattoos. Good. And the chainsaw. What? In the chains. Oh, and the vape pen. A shaky vape pen. Oh, he's coughing. Oh, sorry. Really? That's my girlfriend's. I didn't. I love it. I didn't know it hit that hard. You're doing a good job. How long you been with your girlfriend, Colin? It was around the time I first got on the show, so, like seven months. Okay. Yeah. What does she do? She runs shows in Houston and hopefully in Austin soon. We're sort of. You're trying to get her. Did you. You move down here? Yes, we both moved down here. You both moved down here? So she has to go up to do shows in Houston? Oh, well, yes, she won Sunday shows in Houston, so we'll go back on Sundays. You guys go together? Yeah. You make the drive. Do you stop at BUC EE's every time you. Sometimes. What do you get from Bucky's, Colin? You drive by. You're able to drive by a Buc EE's without just a quick stop or anything? Yeah, I'm. I mean, yeah, I'm not. Are you from Texas? Yeah, born and raised. Yeah. And you just take it for granted? Yes, I do. See, we can't do that. We literally. If you're not. If you weren't born and raised here, you literally can't drive by it. No matter what time of the night, no matter what time of the day. You guys. You guys just drive by it, huh? We usually don't stop. It's crazy. Yeah. This lady just married a new man because she was excited about all this talk about Bucky. She just moved seats from one guy to another. She wants to get closer to a man that has the balls to drive by a Buc ee's. What do you. What do you get when you go to BUC EE's? I get the espresso beans. The chocolate covered espresso beans. Wow. You really Are a gay retard, Colin. Chocolate covered espresso beans. My goodness. That's also my nickname for John D's, everybody. Chocolate covered espresso beans. Chocolate on the outside, chocolate on the inside. If you could describe your love for chocolate covered espresso beans, how would you describe it? Fleeting. Fleeting. Yeah. It's more just to stay awake and you know, it's like $1 to stay awake, you know? It's good. Wow. Unbelievable. D Madness is literally going to take a nap right now. Ron White, you are the baron of Buc EE's. I didn't. I popped into a Buc EE's on Saturday night coming back from a niece's birthday party. Hell yeah. Let's go. What the hell does the king Ron White get at a Buc EE's? The brisket sandwich in Iraq. I gotta tell you. No doubt about it. Was that it just a brisket? The last time I went to Bucky's, I saw. What's that kid's name that's on kill, Tony? Enrique. Oh, yeah. He was at the cash register when I went up there. Hey, what's up, Brown White? Hey, he did. Hey, you got a brisket sandwich, dude? What do you want, a bottle of water? Something do? Come on, man. I'm a lesbian. I look like a. Everyone think I'm a lesbian, dude. Was he sweating, do you remember? Was he sweating at Bucky's too? Or is just coming off of him like a waterfall. Crazy. Just over cash register. It is amazing. It is amazing. I call them a wet front. What's your order of Buc EE's Red Band? What do you get excited about? You're more of a sweets guy. Let's. No, no, actually the. The Philly. Oh, yeah, the burrito. The. Yeah, the Texas cheesesteak burrito. Cheesesteak burrito is my favorite. And also their beef jerky. I love their unbelievable beef jerky there me. No joke. And I know this is on brand for Tony Hinchcliffe, but I love the hot nuts there at BUC EE's. It is absolutely incredible. I get a little baguette of every kind. I get a cashews. I get a pecans, the whole fucking thing. And I shove these fucking nuts in my mouth. Oh, God, I love it so much. It brings me so much joy. I'm really not a big nuts guy anywhere else but Bucky's. Fucking warm nuts. Definitely not a beaver nuts guy, huh? The. You talking about the beaver nuggets? You do, that's your thing, right? I like beaver. You Love beaver nuggets. Red band, eats a lot of sweets at night. He's on blood pressure medication, ladies and gentlemen. It's called blood pressure medication. It causes him to have a dry cough. It's one of the side effects. I finally figured out why I got this goddamn dry cough. Turns out someone told me it's a blood pressure medication. These are the talks we have in the green room before the show. A little behind the kill for you. Yikes. You're still here. Dude, what the going on up here? The are you still doing here, Colin? Let's get him out of here. You should do. You should do what you were talk to me earlier about what you should do what you were talking to me. Oh, my, my. Oh, can someone bring me my pants, please? Oh, you have a pants delivery coming here. Is this a plan thing, Colin? Yeah. There's a. There's a letter in my. Wow, look at that. Oh, my goodness. My dad gave you a letter? A thank you note. Your dad wrote me a thank you note? Yes. Okay. All right. This is great live podcasting. I thought he wrote me one for a second. I'm like, what the. Dude, I don't even know your dad. It's a cat stepping on a piano. And it says, dear Tony, thank you so much for the role you played in shaming Colin into getting his own place. Ten years ago, I built a garage guest house in the backyard for guests. Colin moved into it the day it was completed and has been there ever since. Parentheses, 10 years, exclamation point. So I intend to have a guest stay there very soon, exclamation point. Thank you again, R.M. sledge. Parentheses, Collins. Dad, Parentheses. Come to Houston sometime and join me for homemade shrimp crab gumbo. Oh, yeah, that sounds great. That sounds amazing. He's from Louisiana. Oh, that's like. Yeah. Oh, God, that sounds great. I would love some Louisiana shrimp crab gumbo. Thank you, RM Sledge, for this amazing note, and thank you, you, Colin. Another new minute. Congratulations. A very experimental minute from Colin. Sledge, everybody. That's what the golden ticket winners get to do. They do good enough. They get to sometimes just do localized jokes with fake tattoos. We found them all out of the bucket. Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. They go by the name of Tomek Kolecki, everybody. Tomek Kolecki. Hi. Hello, Austin, and hello, America. Hi, I'm Tomek Koecki. I'm from Poland. At the beginning, I have to tell you, I don't live in America. I'm just a tourist. Arrived to this country one month ago. So sorry for my English. Sometimes you're not going to understand me. Sometimes I can mispronounce something. But you have to remember I'm very funny in Polish. So please remember this in case of disaster. Okay, So a little bit about Poland. If you don't know where Poland is, is between Germany and Russia. How peaceful, Right? You know, imagine that you live in America between Detroit and Detroit. You know, kind of like this. Don't laugh. I don't have time. One more joke. So how can I explain Poland to you guys? It's a European shithole. It really is. If I had to compare, imagine that Europe is like America, and every country in Europe is like states in America. Right. So in this scenario, Poland would be Oklahoma, which is shithole, but at least we are not Louisiana, you know? Thank you very much. Wow. Will you look at that, ladies and gentlemen. Most likely what I would call the set of the night so far going to Tomek. Koleki. Kowetzki. Kowetzki. It's very Polish. I know Polish is a wild, wild language. It is J's and Y's and things mean different thing. I have letters in my last name that not even in your Alphabet. So I. I understand. It's tough. Kowetzki. Yeah. All right, so let's talk about it. You're born and raised in Poland. Yeah. And how long have you been in America? One month. One month? Hell yeah. And you have all these localized jokes and references all figured out already. I did my research. Yeah. So you must destroy in Poland. Am I correct? Yeah, I try to. Are you one of the most popular comedians in Poland? I wouldn't say I'm in the top 10, but in the top 20 to. Yeah. Okay. That's a good place to be between 10 and 20 in Poland. That's very good and very honest answer. I like that you're not like Ari Maddie going, yes, I'm number one. In Estonia, I'm number one. There's. The number two is forever away. You're very honest. How many comedians metaphor. Estonia is Delaware, you know, so. Estonia is very small. Yeah. And Ari really is the number one. How many comedians are in Poland, though? Is there a lot of big comedy community there? Yeah, there is. Like, obviously not as big as in America, but I guess, like, I know a couple hundreds. Yeah. Yeah. So tell us more. What did. What surprised you about America when you got here a month ago? Yeah, like, crazy thing happened to me last Week I went. First time in America, I went shooting, right? Yeah. But I was a little bit disappointed because they took me to shooting range, not to school. Whoa, you son of a. I was hoping for the full America experience, you know? And we shoot guns safely. Un American, you know. Amazing. Un American to shoot guns safely. Can you imagine? They shoot guns in Poland. You got guns in Poland, or is that not so much? No, they got rid of them. Never existed. They never existed. Wow. No. No wonder Germany just treated you like a nephew, huh? Yeah. We're taking over. You're done ending with the knives. Yeah. That doesn't work against tanks. Yeah. Very hard. Germany, pretty. Germany just took you over like your Colin Sledge's dad's guest house. Yeah. And then Russia from another side, you know, it's pure bukaka. Like. Yeah. You guys are getting shot every direction. Just very tough history. Absolutely amazing. Now, how long ago did you start standup comedy in Poland? 12 years ago. Perfect. Amazing. Yeah. I was 16 at the time. What made you want to start stand up? Did you see something as a kid? What was it? Yeah, when I started Robin Williams. I love it. A Roca, to be honest. First special I ever saw was Eddie Murphy delirious. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Hell, yeah. Yeah. It was first found on Polish YouTube with Polish subtitles. So this is the reason I was 13 at the time and I started doing open mics when I was 16. Wow, that's amazing. Now you saw Eddie Murphy. Do they have black guys in Poland? Not so much, but I have explanation. Like, can you book me a flight to Poland real quick? Okay. What's the explanation why there's no blacks? We love black people. We just don't have a lot of black people. Why? Because we never had slavery, so we never forced anybody to come. You think that's all they do? You know, like, you think that's all there? You think that's all they're like, nobody kind. Like, we invite you, but nobody. Why the you want to come to European Oklahoma? You know, like, that's true. For what. What you gonna achieve there? You know? But feel welcome to come. Feel welcome. We have. We have three black person right now. Yeah, yeah. What are their names? Yeah. The thing is, like, if you are too weak to play for America basketball team, then you go to Poland and play for Poland basketball team. So we have black guys or our team that cannot even speak Polish. Right. But we love them free after free, you know? Yeah, heroes. Yeah, heroes. Yeah. And the main guy. You're not gonna like it? Maybe, but I gotta try it. Like the main guy. He has the most blackest name you can think of. Oh, let's hear it. Lufthansa. Oh, his name is. It's real thing. I didn't make it up. His name? Jordan Floyd. Jordan Floyd. Oh, my goodness. What's his cardio like? Jordan or is he more Floyd? He's more Jordan for sure. He can breathe and stuff, like. Yeah. Very good. Yes. There you go. Hero, national hero. There you go. Took the ball and ran with it there. Very good. I like your style to make it up. It's just the real thing. Actually, if I would make it up, it would be racist. But it's a true thing, you know, so. Yeah. And those black basketball players have bigger Poles than the polls do. Yeah. See what I did there? That's a giant penis joke. Tomek. I cannot do metrical system in America, so I don't know how long my penis is. Perfect. Perfect. I would say a foot of a midget. Like a foot of a. A foot of. A foot of a. Double E, M, E, E, G, I, T. Love it. So, Tomac, have you ever had, like, a real job? What do you do when you're working in Poland? How do you make money? You just do comedy. I'm a pro comedian since I was 19, so. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Like, in Poland, every comedian need to work like Louis CK every special new year, because after one year, everybody saw your stuff. Right, right. So I'm 28. I already have seven specials because of this, you know, so we work really hard there. So you guys do have a great work ethic. I am friends with, literally UFC hall of Famer, multiple time. I mean, literally one of the. I would say the greatest female fighter of all time. Joanna Yen Jayczek. Very good translation. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. She did a comedy with us. Yes, she tried it out. How was that at the beginning? Tough, because we. There was like a stadium tours. Right. So imagine you never do it comedy and then you go 10, 000 people Stadium to do comedy. Right? Yeah. So this was her beginning of step comedy, but after a couple of shows, she nailed it. Yeah, after a couple of shows. First shows a little bit tough, but after a couple shows, she fucking nailed it. Yeah, yeah. And you're friends with Joanna. Yeah, yeah, I know her. We do a comedy tour in Poland when we invite celebrities to do comedy with us, but they have to go on stadiums without knowing how to do it, you know, so it's really fun experience for them and for us as well, because, yeah, we better. She's the best. One of the sweetest ladies on planet Earth. Ronda Rousey got a lot of hype. She's like, you know, American famous. But anybody that knows fighting knows Joanna is actually the national treasure as well. Yeah, no doubt. Most punches ever thrown in a fight is her against Zelly Wang, right? Yeah. Chinese girl. Yes, Chinese girl. And it's the craziest, craziest fight of all time. Chinese girl. They are nothing but trouble. Tomak, anything else crazy we should know about you? I find you so interesting. You are truly. And it goes to show, you know Eddie Murphy, who you first saw, I believe he started at either 14 or 15, you starting at 16. It just. It shows. You are such a natural comedian. Yeah. Like, for a long period of time, I had the nickname of youngest Polish comedian, you know, because I was just a teenager doing setup comedy when I had my first ever TV set in Poland. I had to get agreement from my parents to do this because I was underage, you know? Do you remember? Can you translate? Does it work in English? Do you remember one of your first jokes in Poland on Polish television? Does it work in America at all? 12 years ago, something about my teacher in school was an idiot, and then they hit on TV and I had to go to school after it. Wow. What did the teacher say to you? I don't remember at this point, but it was something about making him a pedophile. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Tough day at school on Monday? I would say that. Well, Tomek, I mean, you're amazing. How long you in town for? I stay till the beginning of December, but I'm planning to be back here in February for another three months. Beginning of December, in the middle of February. You grow up with Polish jokes, Tony. Like, like, like, why. Why do you. Polish girls don't use vibrators because it chips their teeth and shit. Like, right? Yeah. Are you aware that Polish people are considered stupid? I know, but it's like this is a common opinion that Polish people are stupid. This is not true. We just can't speak good English, so we sounds dumb, you know, like in Polish language. I can be intelligent guy here, I'm Borat, you know, like. Yeah, yeah. Nice. I know, I know. Yeah. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Bing Bong. And here's the big joke book, my friend. Congratulations. You did it perfectly. Tomek Kowetzki, ladies and gentlemen, with his big global Kill Tony debut. And on to the next one we go. Great job, Tomac. We'll see you later. Okay, sure. There you go. Cold clammy hand. Cold polish hand. This episode is brought to you by Netflix from the creator of Homeland. Claire Danes and Matthew Rhys star in the new Netflix series the Beast in Me as ruthless rivals whose shared darkness will set them on a collision course with fatal consequences. The Beast in Me is a riveting psychological cat and mouse story about guilt, justice, and doubt. You will not want to miss this. The Beast in Me is now playing only on Netflix. Extra value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8 only at McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California. And for delivery. All right, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute. His name name is Jose Ayala, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. How you doing, Kill Tony? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I know what you're thinking. That's one big ass Jose right there, you know? Yeah, no, I know. I. I know I'm not a traditional Mexican, that you can tell. Yeah. But the most Mexican thing about me is I got a uti. Yeah. A urinary tract infection. Ladies drinking cranberry juice because I got jerked off by a chick who had hot Cheeto fingers, you know? Yeah. Can you believe it? That bitch flavor blasted my dick, you know? No, but I got her back. I did. I ate her pussy out with Frank's Red Hot. You know, you can literally put that shit on anything, you know? And it was great, too. Cause, you know, fucking. What's it called? It makes everything taste like buffalo wings. So it went great with the fucking blue cheese she already had, you know? Yeah, I should call her, you know. Yeah. Here's another. What do you call it when you make a paralyzed girl squirt? Vegetable soup. All right. My name's Jose. That guy's been wonderful. Vegetable soup. Yeah. Okay. Just checking. All right. Didn't know if you said stew or. It can work either way. Yeah, it works either way. Absolutely. Jose Ayala. You've been on this show before? Yeah, once. How long ago was that? It was like a month ago, actually. Oh, wow. Okay. And how's life going for you, Jose? What do we find out about you in that first interview that we. I found interesting? I'm Mexican. Well, we knew that. I. I work at a bar. That's what we found out. And, yeah, that was it. Okay. Wow. Well, this was a great interview, Jose. Is there Anything else interesting about your life that we might find intriguing? I, I, I don't like big crowds. That's, that's the only thing. Oh, you're in the right industry. Perfect. Amazing. Yeah, they freak me out like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how are you planning on getting over that? What's your big plan, Jose? Because the industry that you're in, if it goes good, which, luckily, I don't think you have to worry about that for a while, but if it goes good, you're gonna be in front of giant crowds. I'm gonna start doing orgies. So. Yeah, okay. Yeah, just dive right into it, you know? All right, what's the, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up comedy, Jose? I like to play video games. I skateboard. I, I do recreational drugs. Just go out with friends, party, you know. What kind of recreational drugs do you do, Jose? Let's talk about it, Okay? I smoke a lot of weed. Yeah. What? Other than that? Let's talk about that. Oh, all right. Sorry, Mom. Your upper lip is sweating between your nose. Yeah, sorry, upper lip. Sorry. I got hot nuts. My bad. No, I, I did acid the other day, so that was pretty cool, you know? Yeah, dude. Yeah. Okay. What happened when you did acid? I got, okay, so I got lost completely. I, I ended up blacking out and then waking up like at a bus stop and. Yeah. And I didn't know how I got there. And when I woke up, my underwear was completely gone. Where did it go? I, I think I probably my pants. Okay. No, I didn't, I didn't probably. I, my pants and, and I, because I was in and out of a blackout and I remember being behind a bush, wiping my ass with them and then just throw him on the floor. I'm not gonna put him in my pocket. Oh, yeah. I'm so getting hat on show in here. Wow. You, your pants. I'm gonna check in with my chief acid correspondent. The great Ron White is here, ladies and gentlemen. So was it fun? Oh, no, I had, I had like a great euphoric experience. I, I went to kind of like, I really like, you know, thought about my life and, you know, I cried a little bit. It's not, I'm not gonna lie. And it was, it was really, it was really life changing. You know, except for the sh. What was your life like before that? You know, I, I got, I gotta tell you, dude, you know, you, you, you came out, you, I think you did a pretty good job. You haven't been doing stand up long, right? Four years. Four years. Oh, I got nothing. I got nothing. I got nothing. Fun fact. I've only done acid maybe three or four times, and all three or four of those times, I'm just gonna say it was because of the great Ron White. He. He knows how to bring a party to the next level. In the green room here. Yeah. And they call it micro dosing, but I've never micro dosed it turns out anything in my life. It turns out if I do any amount of anything, it's a full dose. Yeah, we. Turns out we don't have scales up there. Yeah. Yeah. And I can tell you, I just start hearing the lights. I can hear LED lights. I can hear and feel everything and anything around me. I'm in a total matrix when I do it. And I stay awake until about 8am the next day. I don't know why. From what I understand that I guess that's a part of it. But I. I don't get micro dosing liquid acid. Yeah, yeah, I know. Turns out I'm hanging out with fucking the Fear and Loathing over here. Ron White is like the actual dude, by the way. If you're wondering what he's like off stage, he's like a cool Texas version of the. Of the Big Lebowski. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, but. And, but. And. But you did. The answer that I gave you. And did you. Your pants? No, no. My pants? No, no. 200 hits. I've never. Yeah, we think you would have your pants anyway that day, Jose. Yeah, no, I was also blackout drunk, so. Oh, well, okay. Yeah, that's what you want to do when you're on acid is just get. Blackout. Yeah, no, I didn't plan it. Some guy just. Just. Oh, some guy just gave it to me, and I was like, all right, it. We're gonna do this, might as well, you know, dance with the devil, you know. All right. Dance with the devil and your pants. Hell yeah. Huh. I find that. Do you? Your pants? No, never. No, not really. Really? Not really. Oh, we're getting. We're getting warmer, folks. No, not really. All right, I have. When I was. Right now. It's in your pants right now, isn't it? No. Okay, we're good. Jose, here's a little joke book. Fun times, my friend. Oh, wow. There he goes. Jose Ayala dropping the little joke book. That's what people are gonna remember from this set. One more time from Jose, ladies and gentlemen. All right, I'll tell ya, we've met some interesting. Tough to follow that Polish dude, right? It is tough to follow the polish. We are about to. We're about to. All right, let's get one more bucket pull up here before I pull the trigger on this nuclear warhead that I have waiting in the back. This looks like a new name, so I'm excited about new names. We got two Bucket pools that were both on in the last month, which is rough because they don't have anything new to talk about in the interview portion of the show. The bucket has a mind of its own. This is the show. This is what happens. Anything gonna fucking happen. So we're gonna meet a new one right now. I'm sure this is a new name. Make some noise for Carter Fan Cutch. Carter Fan Cutch. There's Carter, everybody. Carter Fan Cutch. Nice of you guys to clap, cheer and stuff. Whenever I came out last time I saw my mom, she didn't do any of that. She just said, shave that shit off your face. Said you look like my son and somebody I could never trust around my son, you know? But I need this mustache. Without it, I look exactly like Caitlin Clark. She's a talented shooter. I just say, shoot when I come, you know, what are you gonna do? My love life's tough. It's like. My love life's like, red box. You know, it used to be a thing. It used to be a lot of fun in a Walgreens parking lot. You know, not a lot of returns. There are always scratches on the back. It's tough, you know, but I supplement it. You know, I supplement my. My sex life a little bit with porn when I can, but Texas makes that very difficult. There's not exactly porn down here, so you got to get creative. You know, I found something pretty interesting. It was David Blaine's sex tape. That's good shit. That's good shit. You know, he's having sex with a girl, and she's like, oh, David, don't come in me. I'm not on the pill. And he's like, ugh. Check your pocket. All right, Carter Fan Kutch. Am I saying that right? Fan cutch. Fan cook. Fan cook. Okay. I could see how that would be. Welcome, Carter. This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Awesome. How long you been doing stand up? About eight years. Eight years. Wow. Where at? Springfield, Missouri. Moved down here a year ago. Nice. How do you like Austin compared to Springfield, Missouri? It's a bigger town, a lot more opportunity. I. You know, I like it. Okay. What's a. What's a crazy thing that's happened for you in Austin, Texas so far? A lot of opportunity, a lot of fun to be had. You had a wild night or anything yet? Yeah, had some crazy nights. I. I saw a homeless person on the street yesterday. I'm pretty sure he was just on stage. Is it at a bus stop perhaps? Took a up here too. Yeah, I love it. What ethnicity are you? You really do have a look to you German? I'm a German man. The last name fan cook means pancake in German. Wow, look at that. What do you. How do you think you ended up with the last name pancake? I have to assume we up a loaf of bread somewhere back. Yeah, back in the gene pool. I don't know. I love it. What do your parents do? What are they up to? They together? No, no. Long, long gone. On the marriage there. My mom radio Dosimetri treats cancer. Okay. And then my dad was like a pharmaceutical salesperson then got popped smoking weed and they. I guess you can't do that as a pharmaceutical salesperson. So he bought a Airbnb or a bed and breakfast, rather, and like ran that for a while. Now he works at a dock. A dock? Yeah, he owns a dock. Okay. Fills gas, wears jean shorts. He lives the fucking life. Yeah. That sounds like a dream. It really does. Red band's excited about it, right? You like? Yeah. Okay. And so you said your love life's like a red box. How's it been going? What exactly is going on? Why do you think you're having trouble? It's. It's actually going okay. I'm married now. Oh, wow. I've remedied the solution. I found a box that I can just go back to over and over again. Look at that. But yeah, no, it's good. We both travel for work and stuff, so. It is. There's some dry spells, but yeah. What does she do? Where does she travel for work? She actually. She's all over the place. She's a. Like a wastewater field service technician. So she's like, anywhere there's shit, she'll go. She's actually going to India for Thanksgiving. She'll be there. Oh, my God. Really? Yeah. She's going to help the wastewater in India, Believe it or not. It's. It's not good there, so. Oh, my God. That sounds like quite the mission. Yeah. And she's gonna fail, but you know that you gotta. Treating wastewater in India is like melting the snow in Antarctica. This is. This sounds like mission impossible. Is she excited about this? To spend Thanksgiving in India? She was like. She Was, are you gonna miss me? Like, should I just stay here for Thanksgiving? I was like, no. It's like once in a lifetime opportunity. But we went and got. We went to the travel center and got her shots and everything today, and she's fucking scared now. Like, don't eat any of the food. You have to crack open. Every, you know, drink that you're gonna drink has to be factory sealed. Like, they really put the fear of God in her. There's like Japanese encephalitis running rampant. It's a scary place. Unbelievable. Wow. Ron White, what do you think about this young buck, Mr. Pancake? I think that most of the things you do in India will give you the shits. Yeah, right. So she could be at home there. You think she might not ever come back? Yeah, she may have too much work. She may leave me for a poo. I don't know. But. So do you do comedy clubs on the road? Is that what you do? You travel and do clubs? I actually am in wastewater also, so I travel for work, mostly for. That's how we met, but. Oh, that's boring. But how do you do it? Dude, you make everybody sound more interesting than they are. That's incredible. It's not easy after a show like this. I sleep for 48 hours. Hours straight. But see, both of you are in wastewater. Yeah. So you're literally. It's a shitty relationship. It's. Your house must stink, dude. Like, you, like, how much do you spend on Glade a month? Opposite. Dude, we're pros. We know exactly. I've learned to wipe sitting down recently. Like, where are we? Wow. Red band still hasn't learned how to do that. That's incredible because that's inferior. All right. Right. Okay. How did you wipe before? Great question. How did you wipe before? I would get up, you know, I'd take a look and then I'd be like, yeah, that's going to be some work. And then I'd get in there. How? I. I would stand up. I would stand up. I don't know whose fault that is. I don't know if that's my dad or my mom, I think. Exactly. How do you do it now? Tell us. Explain to us how you do it sitting down. I. I just, like, lean. I typically left. I'm right handed, so I'll lean left and I'll get. I. You lean left, I lean left, and that's. That's two actions. So that creates a space for the arm to go and it spreads your cheeks. So. Wow. Doesn't it seem like not as good like you're not getting in there. No, Brian, it's better. My asshole's cleaner and I smell less like poop all the time. Time. So you should stop by my place. I. I've got a rotating stream of water that shoots up my ass. It is nice. Is that just on your jet or you have that in your house? No, I got. I got it everywhere, man. Everywhere I go. One day I'll afford a fountain for my. You'd be. You'd be quite surprised if you go on Amazon. You'd be shocked at how amazing a bidet. 40 bucks. It'll change your life. Use the promo code. Kill Tony and I'll price one out and I'll get a wet ass. All right, Carter, congratulations. Here is a. I can't even remember how did you do? Caitlin Clark was okay. Red box got nine. Okay, here's a. Here's a big joke book. There you go, Carter. Old Carter Pancake Carter fan cook in Walmart's Huluville. Everyone ready their cart? Amazing Black Friday deals are about to start online and in the app. Such great deals to explore everything you love from tech, toys and more. The days to save and the ones to remember. It's only the 25th to the 30th of November. Set your alarms, don't miss out. These deals are epic. Without a doubt out the who's are all ready. But are you? Walmart Black Friday deals await. Who knew a massage chair might seem a bit extravagant, especially these days. Eight different settings, adjustable intensity. Plus it's heated and it just feels so good. Yes, a massage chair might seem a bit extravagant, but when it can come with a car, suddenly it seems quite practical. The Volkswagen Tiguan, packed with premium features like available massaging front seats. It only feels extravagant. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special moment which I like because the last, you know, few comedians other than the Polish guy, it's been kind of. It's been kind of low. The. The levels of sets tonight I would consider low. But right now you're about to meet the newest regular on Kiltoni. This is an absolutely incredible moment because it's his first time being brought up as a regular. He was made a regular last week out of nowhere. I had never met him before and since I've come to learn that he is absolutely, totally deserving and ready for this mission. A 12 year veteran of comedy, the dark storm of Atlanta. Welcome to the stage. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here we go. What's Up. What you know about accidentally drinking 3 gallons of gasoline? Cause you was trying to siphon it from a truck and you accidentally swallowed three liters of it at nine years old. And then you gotta go to your dad and you gotta say, hey, dad, my tum tum hurt. And then your dad gonna say, boy, you smell unleaded. So then I gotta go to the. Look at me, I got. So then you go to the hospital and you get your stomach pumped, right? You get your stomach pumped, but then the doctors don't give me back the gasoline. What the fuck is up with that? We need to pay doctors less money. I got kicked out the hibachi restaurant yesterday. And if we being honest, all hibachi just means is Japanese food live, right? That's all it means. It's like you can get the album at home. But see him live. It's amazing. They'll flip a shrimp in your mouth. But they got an anti being high policy. Cause they had a all you could eat. So I ate an edible. Cause I was gonna see all that I could eat. And they tricked me. What they did was, is it was really entrapment. They dropped off the chopsticks before they dropped off the food. And a nigga just saw Drumline the night before. So I'm doing my paradiddles on the soy sauce. Then these niggas had the nerve to put on Phil collars in the air tonight. Nigga, everybody know how to fill collars in the air tonight. That's not how you deal with those situations. I work at bars. What I do is like say crazy. Like, say, if y' all two dudes start to get in a fight, I'll just spray y' all with some silly string, let y' all know this is not a serious time. This is supposed to be y' all friends is. And if y' all get mad and try to fight me, I'll just pepper spray you in the eyes. Or as I call it, serious string. I'm done. Yes. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome, Dedrick. Here we are. Are your first time cashing in on regular ship, your second time ever on the show. A 12 year veteran, he signed up 39 times for the show and finally got pulled last week. Meanwhile, you have these guys, two buffoon their pants that got pulled in the last month. Each of them sweet killer Dedrick up here filled with material and funny stuff. I love the fact that you made that guy in the front look at you while you were doing the thing. Yeah. Oh, it was amazing. Yeah. I'm a be somebody. Look at me. Yeah. Dedrick, I love it. Tell us how life's going for you. Tell us something we don't know about you. Welcome. Welcome, man. First I had to call my mama, and then I had to explain what killed Tony was. Cause she old and black, like, she don't know no better. So then I was like, it's like the Apollo. And she said, okay, cool. Where that's at? And I said, in Austin, where I've been living, I've been signing up. And then she said, okay, whose club is it? Then I had to tell her it was Joe Rogan Club. And then she couldn't remember who Joe Rogan was, so I said, the nigga from Fear Factor? Yep. And then she said, oh, good, baby. Your dad doing good, baby. How you gonna make some money? He is that guy. On top of many other things, he is that guy from Fear Factor. Yeah. He's. I love it. How does she feel about you being out here in Texas? She hated it at first. Cause she. She told me. Cause when we was growing up, my dad was like, the black dots on the map mean that's where other black people live. Take as much time as y' all need. And so I asked my dad. I was like, what do you do in between the black dots? And he said, drive faster. Peeing Gatorade bottles don't stop. So. Oh, my gosh. She just found out about Austin. It's 12 black people here now. That's amazing. Your parents still together? Nah, my dad passed away in 2016. Oh, shit. Sorry to hear that. How'd he die? I always ask everybody. Yeah, he had kidney failure. And then they kill you with the treatment, right? Having kidney failure and he had diabetes first. Yeah, yeah, that's. That's a thing. Don't make a joke about it. No, I won't. I won't. I will not make fun of diabetes that you're. 17 more episodes. You can make fun. Okay, I'll wait. I'm writing that down. 17 episodes. Then I'll bring this up from now on. And then roast my dad to shred. I will. I will. Was he cremated? No, no, we had. We. We had some money. Oh, okay. We have some money. That wasn't important. Yeah, well, people donated money. I was working at a. I was a GM at a car wash, and then I was making them a bunch of money. Jim Dudley helped pay for my dad funeral, and then. I appreciate that for Jim. Shout out Jim Dudley over there. Hell, yeah. In Georgia somewhere. What was it like being the GM of a car wash? I fucking loved it. And because, like, I knew I had power. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm power hungry. So, like, when customers will come in, I only could, like, you could either get extracurricular, or I'm gonna be like, that's not my job. I can't do that. And I love telling somebody something's not my job. That's my favorite thing in the world. You ever just be like, no, I don't. Do you people do stuff like that? You know what I'm talking about, Tony, you got money too, right? Ryan White. I do. I do. Hey, but you know what? I just wanted to say this. Hey, you know, I watched your set last week from the balcony up there because Tony said, this kid is really good, and I just laughed my face off. And then you're gonna be in my show tomorrow night. Yes, sir. So if you guys come back, full 15 minutes, I'm looking for forward to having you on board. Oh, Having you around the club. Thank you so much. Y' all make some noise for Ron White. Yeah. And give an opportunity. Things are moving very fast for Dedrick. So he was made a regular last week, and then Tuesday, we're all in the green room on a normal thing. Me, Ron, Rogan, DeRosa and whoever else. Shane, a bunch of people, and Bert. It's a normal. Just a normal Tuesday. You never know who's going to be on one of these crazy Rogan shows. Normal Tuesday at work. And I was telling the green room, like, oh, we got a new regular. That only happens once every year, too. And the kid's a freak. And Rogan says, invite him to do the show tomorrow and I'll have him on my show. So you came on the Wednesday. That's how fast. So Monday you get pulled for the first time. Wednesday, you're opening for Joe Rogan, and the balcony filled up with the guys. Everyone's like, let's see if you know this regular, this new guy for the first time. Because they always know if I say, I found somebody, that they're probably gonna know them and forever and holy. I mean, it was incredible. He has a. I mean, I don't want to give anything away, and I'm not going to, but he started a bit about Oreo cookies that I thought was going to be a quick, amazing joke. And I see the first minute, and I'm like, oh, this is be going to. To destroy on kill Tony. And then it's 2 minutes 3 minutes, 4 minutes, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. About Oreos. He's got a 9 minute long Oreo bit and we're dying. I'm wiping tears. We're wiping tears out of our eyes, and there's nothing quite like it. You know, it probably sounds corny, but, like, when someone like you comes around, it reminds us all what the we got in this for. And it's incredibly inspiring, and I'm so excited to have you on board. It gives me something to look forward to every week. And so welcome to the family, Dedrick, and we'll do it again next week. I love you, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, it has begun. I can't wait for you guys to see what. What Dedrick has up his sleeve. It is powerful. One more time for Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. This is where we found him. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everybody. Trip Callahan is next. Oh, my God. Guys. So one thing about me, I think it's very important to be able to change your mind. And no one's better at that than Obama. Yeah. Because when Obama took office, he was against gay marriage. And by the time he left, he was drone striking straight weddings. That's pretty good progress. And I love the gays, but the other day someone told me that gays aren't groomers. And I was like, what? Like, my thing is, if gays aren't groomers, then explain how I got sucked off at a Petco. I. I do got a new favorite gay. His name's Jeffrey Dahmer. Because I finally watched that Netflix show about him. And I remember when it came out, a bunch of my friends were talking about was funny when the police were interviewing Dahmer's dad and telling him everything, because the thing he was most pissed about was that Dahmer was gay. And I was just thinking, if I was that police officer, I would have tried to cheer him up a little. You know, I feel like, sure, he was gay, but he also murdered 25 gay dudes. Right? So, yeah. So despite his gayness, he's much more homophobic than you. You know, like, you're talking about they're going to hell. He's fucking sending them there, so. All right. Tripp Callahan with an extremely gay set. Yes. Welcome, Tripp. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I was on, like, a couple months ago. Okay. Welcome back, Tripp. Trip, welcome back. How's your life changed since the last time you were on this show? Oh, bro, I can't Even go out in public. Wow. No, dude, nothing's changed, bro. Nothing's changed. Yeah. Okay. Was it a good set or was it like that? Better than this one, dude. Yeah, okay. But, yeah, remind us, Tripp, you seem like a very happy guy. Of course. What. What did we find out about you last time you were on the show? Oh, bro, I. I work at heb. Oh, Serial killer friend. What's your serial killer friend? What do you mean? Oh, well, he was like. Just like. He's, like, turned gay and then started killing gay guys and he was. Is this everything in your life and all that you talk about gay and serial killers? Yes, bro. Okay, bro. What else about you, Tripp? Tell us something we didn't find out last time you were on this show. I got, like, crippled for like, four years from college football. Ooh, tell us more. Like, I rolled up on. Dude, I messed up my ankle. And then the doc. I broke my leg and I fucked up all my cartilage and ligaments in my ankle. And then the doctors kept fucking up. I had to have, like, two surgeries. But we're better now, dude. We made it. You know what's amazing is it sounds like you've got something to say. Yeah, right? Yeah, you're really good at it. I mean, you hold the mic in the right spot, you're understand every word you say, and it's almost like you have a plan, right? But. But you're missing content. Oh, that's all you're missing. Just a little bit of content, man. I got you. Yeah, but. But most. Most. Most amateur comics don't do as good a job with the microphone as you do. And I understood every word you said. Well, thank you. So that's a big. That's something. Oh, yeah, it is true. Your delivery mechanism is impeccable. It's like a. It's like a. It's like ordering from UberEats. Like a Euro stand at 4am or something. Like, the delivery is there, but it's not good. You know, when it comes, it's just a little bit off. You're like, well, this was the only place that was open, but at least it's here. And then you food. Deeply regret it the next day. That's what you're like. Okay, okay, Tripp, tell us something amazing about your life that has nothing to do with gay or serial killers. Oh, man, you got nothing. You stumped it. Yeah, you really did, bro. Huh? Dude, amazing about my life. Anything at all. Just anything. True. Dude, I can walk again. No, I work at A job? Dude, I work at 8. Yeah, I can walk. Dude, we already talked about Heb last time, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you really walk? Yes. All right, do it. There's a little joke book trip. Callahan. Ladies and gentlemen, on to the next one we go. Stumped them with the anything except for gay or serial killer talk. We got a whole bucket. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow, look at that. It's a shame she doesn't want to kill a gay tonight. I don't know. Nothing's making any sense right now. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Henry J, everybody. Henry J. One more time for Henry J, everyone. I can tell my phone was made in China because the default skin color on my emojis is yellow. If Johnny Depp has a one night stand and then the next morning gets an Amber alert on his phone, does he panic and check his bed for any surprises? I think he does. Is the utensil of choice for non binary people. Spork. I think they eat exclusively with that. When they eat brunch. Let's see. If a plane makes a successful water landing, do the black passengers panic harder after the landing? If a guy goes on a date, on a Tinder date with a girl that ends up not being a girl, did he get catfished or swordfished? Thank you. All right, Henry J. Without a doubt, his first time on the show. Ron White. Those were riddles. You should do jokes because you have a. You know, you got a good face for stand up comedy. You. You look like you, but. Yeah, but those are. Those are riddles. That's what those are. Those are just. Yeah, it's true. You're more of a riddler than a joker. Do all of your. Does every bit of your material end in a question mark? I just thought it was a unique style, you know, where the question and like. Or the setup and the punchline all built into one question. Yeah. How many of those do you have? How long you been doing stand up? About two years. Two years. All of it in Austin? In Utah. Utah. Salt Lake City. Okay. Yes, sir. And that's your style. You're the. Is it exclusively just questions? Do you have any other material? I have a lot of other. I have a lot of other stuff, too. Can you do one joke that isn't a question? Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a joke that isn't a question. Henry J, everybody. I was. I was studying abroad and she got creeped out and just. Okay. That joke slaps, you know. Yeah. Okay. That is. That is not a Question. Still a little Ridley. Slightly Ridley. There's still some thinking you have to do. And then you go, ha. I bet you get a lot of those in the. In the Henry J. Fan club. A lot of. You're gonna love this guy. Are you. Are you sober? Because you got to be sober for him. You got to really. You have to pay close attention and put your thinking hat on for the wild comedy styles of Henry J. Everyone in Utah sober? Well, not everyone. I did an arena in Salt Lake City on Saturday night and nobody was sober. We have different crowds. Henry J. Those people in Salt Lake City fucking party. For those of you that don't know, it is one of the top five cities in the United States of America. Shout out, salt Lake City. Shake that bad bitch. I have no idea what that means in this context. Wait until we're talking about mashed potatoes or bacon before you speak up again. Henry J. What do you do for work? I'm a finished carpenter. What does that mean exactly? So I install doors and do like a bunch of custom woodwork in people's homes. Oh, okay. Anything woodwork related in people's homes? Oh, all right. Okay. And you just finish? You never start? I just ask. I struggle closing sales because I never actually, you know, what's your love life like? I'm married. You're married? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. When you. When you pop the question, was it all like, would you. If you would. If you could? I just used the 20 questions thing. You know, we got there eventually. I love it. What does she do? She's stay at home mom. Stay at home mom. How many kids do you have? That's adorable. How old are they? My oldest is five. He's a boy. And then I have a little two year old girl. Amazing. You love it, huh? It's the best. Wow, that's incredible. When you come inside of your wife, do you say anything weird? Do you make a weird face or anything? Do you make a noise? What is a guy like you? Because you seem a little goofy, you seem a little silly. I'd imagine you do something a little wacky. A doodle dandy. So we like dirty talk. So I'll really give us an example of your dirty talk. Do you like that penis? It's all questions. Yeah, I just. I'll kiss her neck a little bit and work my way up to her ear and then just. And then you nut inside of her. No, no, no. Oh, okay. Take us through it nice and slow. All this very romantic. I'll just tell her or. Oh, I Guess I'll just ask her. It's like, no, I'm not gonna ask a question. I'm not gonna. No, I'll just, like. I'll work my way up to her ear, and then I'll just say, baby, I would skip church for you. Wow. Wow. That's our dirty talk. That is indeed Utah dirty talk. So you're on the Mormon side of things up there. I'm guessing very religious. You were raised that way? No. How did you end up finding the Mormons to be your religion of choice? It's kind of a long story. I bet it is. I want to hear it. I want to know. I always assume that Mormons. I don't know why, but I always kind of assume that you have to be, like, born into it and raised into it. I don't often find people that find God finding the, like, silly alien, the funny one. You guys are like, the funny religion. The deeper you look into it, the wilder it gets. You've seen Book of Mormon from the creators of South Park? No. You want to. You should see it. Yeah. Unbelievably hilarious. I heard it's highly. And I love musicals. All right, go ahead. Tell us how you found Mormon. Well, I mean, I think each and every one of us have a direct line to him, and I think he communicates with us specifically so that we're in the right place at the right time to either help people or not. I. BYU was highlighted in my mind there, and it felt like that was him putting that there, because BYU was highlighted. What do you mean exactly? Like, it was just a thought that came into my brain. That was. When did. When did this happen? After high school? No, I. I went through a little atheist phase after high school. Huh. And then. And then explain to us what you mean by BYU was highlighted of you're an atheist. And then I found God before this. But, yeah, I. It just. It just came into my mind that that's what he wanted to do, and it was extremely powerful. I could tell it wasn't my own thoughts. It was just like, this is. This is what I want you to do. And then you went to byu and you finished at byu. I didn't. I dropped out. You dropped out. Okay. How sick of that. Feel about that. So. And then. So you drop out. You didn't finish much, like your work, and then how do you find your. Is your wife Mormon, too? Yeah. Okay, so you've met her at church? I met her. So I served a mission, just like any old, little good Mormon. So you really did. You had the name tag and the white polo and the black tie, and you're knocking on doors. CIA of Jesus. Okay, sure. Okay. This is how you meet your wife? Paint the picture for us. Yeah, so I met her. We go to a little training center for a couple weeks before we ship out to all the different locations. And I met her there. You met her at the training center? She was. I didn't realize she was also a missionary there. And we were just. Is that the position that you guys have sex in? We are masters at the missionary center position. Do you only do missionary position? Really? Do you do other positions with your wife? Other ones, yeah. Like what? What other ones? Give us an example. Just rattle off. Rattle off some positions for us real quick. No big deal. If you want, I could have ron White name 75 positions in less than the lazy dog. What exactly. Hold on a second. What exactly is the lazy dog, Ron? That's where you get in the doggy style position and then both of you at the same time. And that's the important part. Fall over. Now you're doing a lazy dog. Oh, Ron White is the coolest guy. You really. Planet Earth. Where did you get your mission assignment? I mean, did you get a Orlando? Fort Lauderdale. Wow, look at that. Not bad. Like, they need some saving there. Yeah, me too. So what was that like, going into Fort Lauderdale and trying to teach people the way of. Of aliens and whatnot, Being a God and all this very, very hilarious religion, but go ahead. No, it was interesting. And every time I saw a black person, I couldn't tell if they spoke English, Creole or Spanish. So you just kind of. Let's stick with that for a second. When you say that, what exactly do you mean? Like, you would see one. And then we talk to people on the streets a bunch, obviously, and like, I'd just be like, hey, how's it going? Just like. Like English, you know, like, oh, okay. I learned the basics of Creole just to be able to communicate. Wow. A lot of hand gestures to communicate when I need to. Okay. And were you able to sign up any of these black people in Fort Lauderdale? Ron White shaking his head no. I am on the inside also shaking my head no. I don't find it believable. Did you really sell a black guy on being a Mormon trying to speak. How many black people are in the Mormon group up there? The. Anybody in the tabernacle choir? Or. How many times did they answer the door and just go, oh, hell no? What, you a bill collector? Get the upper. All right. Red band. What do you think about Mormons, man? I. I just like the things they did because they can't have sex. You know, like that shaking the bed thing was a real thing where they. They go in bed and they have their friend just shake it so they're like. Like rubbing against each other's. You know, that kind of stuff. You know about this, Henry? I've heard about it, yeah. Can. Can you describe one of the wackiest things that you had to do sex sexually to respect your religion before you got married? Did you cheat a little bit? Did you put it, like. Did you stick it in a little bit? No. How about the back side? I know you guys. You guys a way that the Lord doesn't see the old B hole in Mormonism. From what I understand, we study these things on top of mashed potatoes and bacon. He's a butthole specialist, so. No, nothing. Come on, give us a little something. You ever hide in the back seat of your car with a couple friends and watch them make out in the front while you're parked? No. There must be something. How long were you with your wife before you got married? Like, eight, nine months, something like that. Wow. Not that long. So for eight or nine, you guys were kissing? Tongue kissing. We made out. Hand stuff. Fingers and hands? No. So you had no idea what this lady's even smelled like, and you're like, I want this forever. And it could have been a disaster forever and ever. Yeah. It could have been a fucking byu. You know what I mean? Taking chances, dude. Oh, my God. So nothing with. Not a hand job, not a dry hump, nothing with clothes on, not a fully clothed. But so you can make out. And you would get a boner right while making out, but you couldn't like, even, like, be, like, Nothing at all. Nothing. So you would, like, make out and then go to the bathroom and, like, jerk off? Sometimes it was just blue balls. The whole courtship. Wait, there was blue balls? Blue balls, blue balls. The whole courtship? The whole courtship? Is that what you said? Yeah. Okay. When it came out, was it curdled or anything like. Oh, my God. You couldn't even jerk off thinking about her. Is that one of the rules? No. You can't even drink coffee. Huh? Drink coffee, man. Red band knows all the rules. Teach me. Teach me. I was getting some dental work done, and they didn't turn the gas up to where I can feel it. And it was just like a. It was like a. Like a. I don't know, some kind of dental school in Vegas. I'D broken a tooth. And I told the guy to turn the gas up. And he goes, there are regulations the state in about it. And I said, where'd you go to college? He goes, brigham Young. And I'm like, turn it up to Catholic. Never let Mormon set your buzz level. Never. And here's why. They don't understand up the way you and I do. They're guessing and they're shitty guessers. We're the best designated drivers though, out there. We got waymos now. Henry J. Fun times. Great interview. Interview of the night. Henry J. Congratulations, Henry. Thank you for joining us. Sign up again, come back again. All right, here we go. Bucket pool number nine. And I got to tell you this, without a doubt, looks like a good name. The handwriting is impeccable, all caps clearest. Best handwriting of the night. And a catchy name. Makes some noise for Honey Donowitz, everybody. Honey Donowitz. So I just think it's. It's fucked up that our government cut funding to 20 billion children's food because they don't want to fuck fat kids. Like, I get it, I get it. It's been hard out there for them. They're having to recalibrate a whole dating pool. The last time they had to get their own 11 year olds, bulimia was still taught in school. They're just figuring some shit out. And like, I don't think it would be necessarily better if you and I had never heard of Jeffrey Epstein. But like, crazy shit's been happening ever since. You just know there's like some guys in the back room somewhere just like watching the headlines, seeing monarchies get called out. And they're just thinking to themselves, like, do we have another 9, 11 in the chamber? And they did. They did. Jeffrey Epstein was arrested in June 2019, I believe. And December we're starting to hear about COVID March. We're shut down. We don't even know who he is anymore. So that's just my conspiracy. Thank you. Honey Donowitz, welcome to the show. Honey, you mentioned that the handwriting was really nice. Yes, it was. Yeah, yeah. Handwriting is incredible. The joke writing, not so much. Let's talk about it. Honey, how long you been doing standup? Six months. Okay, that's not bad. Not, not. It's not good, but it's not bad. Where you been doing it all in Austin? Yeah. What made you want to start now? So I got cancer. And then after. After I was. Yeah, I have some moderately funny jokes about it though. Okay. But after I got the all clear, that I wasn't going to have to go through more procedures and things. I went to creek in the cave just to see if it felt good. And I bombed there too, guys. So I did the open mic there. I did some mics there. Yeah, yeah. What kind of cancer did you have? Have. Is that okay? You want. You mind talking about it? Yeah, I mean, I talk about it on stage. I had cancer. Oh, cancer. Yeah. Yeah. How exactly does one get cancer? Well, you see. Funny you should ask. Tampons are. They're made largely from recycled electronics. I do believe there's something there. 5G. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Our senior tampon correspondent, Brian Redbam. Mashed potato, potatoes, bacon. Mormons and tampons and buttholes. It's incredible. He gets it. So you were using, like, cheap tampons or. No. How does it work? No, I was using, like, a name brand. And I'm not gonna say it because, like, I'm not that good at this yet. I can't get sued. But. But I was using a brand of tampons. And that's the only thing that certain doctors can tie to why women my age have to get new pussies. And they kind of tell you. They're like, yeah, this happens with people that use these. Tampons. Tampons. So what. What would you recommend for the ladies out there with. With. Perfect. I'm gonna be. What should they do? I'm gonna be super fro. Because I had the surgery in Texas. They made me keep my period, so I still use the tam. I don't know what else to use. Like, the cups are weird. No, the cups are great. You just poured out. How do you know? Pour it out in your. Oh, my. In your garden. It helps the garden. Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. Like, red band. You've tried the cup? Yeah, it freaked me out. It freaked you out? I don't. I don't even know what that's like. It's a cup. Yeah, you put it right. I don't. Okay. Red bag. Had definitely tell you when you say they operated on your. What exactly did they do? Can you. Can you describe exactly? So it's like this, right? Like, like a. A. Yeah. Okay. They took out the. The rounds. This is all new to me. Are there balls attached or anything? Okay, understand this can be confusing. It's more comparative to an ass. Okay. For you. Right? So. So there's a hole and, like. And originally there's like a little something there. You had a little something? Yeah, a little something peeking out like A little. Hello. I wouldn't say it was speaking quite yet. It was more of like a. I'm a cancer. Yeah. Like that? Damn near. Okay, so then what did they do? What did they trim away or take out? Just like cut off a layer of it, like the. And then just, like, put a new graft on. Was it the outside? Sort of. Kind of the inside, yeah. How far inside? Like an inch. Okay, so perfect. So red band would have a brand new. Yeah. To. No. Do anything with the cauliflower thing in there. Okay. All right, we're gonna. Red band. Turn off your microphone. I don't, like, have to answer him, right? What? I said I don't have to answer him. No, you don't have to answer him. He's just. He's just here for the jokey jokes kinda, and the more groans and oohs and Oz is his specialty. Okay, so did it hurt? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, the cancer hurt. Not surprisingly. No, no, no. So how did you find out that you had push? Okay, so what stinks in here? No, red band. Red band. What did I. What did I tell you? That is out of line. This lady is a survivor. That is a crazy thing to say. I mean, it's what stanks in here. It's not right. This is the only young lady that's been on this show. And. And if you ask questions, if you say things like that, women aren't gonna want us. Women with pussy cancer aren't gonna wanna sign up for the show anymore. Did it stink? Did your pussy stink? More than anything. That's cheap writing. I think. Honestly, no, it didn't stink. But I was doing, like, a little bit of, you know, activities, and I noticed that it was hurting more and things weren't stretching as they should or whatever. Yeah. So had to get that checked out. You went to a gynecologist? Yeah. And he's like, she. She. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's risky. You may not have had cancer. I mean, I just. Female doctors. I've never met a man who could navigate a. So I think that the bets were on the girlies on that one. But have you ever done the Lazy dog? I heard about it just now. Did it with the. His hand. Okay, so how long ago did you survive cancer? So that was like a year and a half ago. Fun fact, cancer is my WI fi password at home. 420. No, it's the first time I've heard that year and a half ago. Wow. And then what's the first thing you did to celebrate not having Cancer anymore? No, like, literally, it was going to creek in the cave at 5:45pm and doing an open mic to seven guys who didn't think I was funny. That's what I did to celebrate. That's how I landed here. Wow. That's a true story. And then I left my family and moved here full time to do this all the time. Wait, what kind of family did you leave? Children, dog. You left children? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. But it's okay. I was raising boys. They were gonna get up by me anyway. Boy, moms are top. And I was raising white boys. They could be shooters. We are better this way. Wow. You just came to life there when you've been kind of reserved this whole time and then you talk about abandoning your children and all of a sudden you're fucking Forrest Gump telling a whole story on a park bench. I do try to hide the accent a little bit. People think you're dumb if you're from here. No, yeah, totally. So how old are your kids? Well, I don't think we need to write that down. Shit. No, I'm just. I'm just write. Fun fact. I'm not writing it down. I'm. I just keep drawing over the word cancer because it's fun. It's something I do here sometimes I just write over the same thing. Yeah, they're 12 and younger. 12 and younger. How many? When you say they. There's three of them. Okay, so where were you before exactly? San Antonio. San Antonio. So it's only an hour away. You're aware of that, right? It's literally a short drive. I love my children. There's a Bucky's. I visit, so Bucky's halfway there. Yeah. Like, doesn't that entice you to go see your kids? Yeah, don't you go. You know, I could visit my three kids and grab a bag of hot nuts on the way. Yeah. So when's the last time you saw your kids? Last week. Wow. Okay. That's not that bad. No, it's pretty good. I'm a moderately decent mother. Okay, when you say moderately decent, what exactly do you mean? Mean? I mean that I moved here to pursue comedy, but, like, I love my children and I raise them well. I help pay for therapy. How many of them are. How many of the three are in therapy? Eventually, all of them, but so far, one. Okay. The oldest one. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's how it goes. All right. And they know about your cancer? God, no. But now they will, because. YouTube, right? Oh, Red band. Do Not. That is not the sound effect of her. For those of you listening, it is indeed a swarm of flies flying around. That is, mommy, why your butt stink. Oh, my God. Red band. I'm a little bit confused here. Yeah, go ahead, Ron White. So you've only done one other set and that was at the creek of the Cave? No, that's how it started. For the past four months, I have been like every single day doing these things. Yeah. Okay. And what was it that. And so you moved to Austin just to do stand up comedy? No, I have a day job. I. I'm not like, living in my car or none of those, like, kind of things. I. I do work. What do you do for work? I run a sign company. Yeah, what do you mean, a sign company? We do, like, graphics and production for festivals and stuff. It's called Molten Productions. Okay. We're pretty cool. Okay. Does everyone that works there have a cancer or something? Are you guys, like. How do you all know each other? Well, you know, I am the only woman there, so I am isolated in that. But everyone is aware of it. Let me ask you one more question that I just thought of because you said you got a skin graft, right? So where did they take the skin from that's now on the first inch, the entry point of your. I have to know where did they take the skin on your body from what is now the entryway to your. This is like an interesting thing because no matter what, if someone puts their dick inside of that, they're going through, like, what? Here we go. Just another part of my. I think that they understood how men might feel and they grafted from further inside the pussy so that it wouldn't be weird for any of the boys. Wow. Yeah, that sounds painful. So they didn't use your heel or anything? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, that's exactly. Yo, this smell like a foot. Yo, this got a stinky foot pussy. A. Yo, why they a fingernail hanging out? That. Could have been your ear or something. You could have heard the dick going in and out somehow, some type of phantom. If I had gotten a dick, they would have taken skin from my thigh. I did find that out in my research, though. If you. What did your. What if I had gotten a dick instead of a new. Right? Yes, because there's options on the table. And yes, I know. I looked into it. I was thinking about adding a dick. I was thinking about being too Dick Tony over here. Too Dick Tony? Yeah, that was gonna be my name. I had a big plan. Then they told Me, it would hurt. So I was out. Well, the hog science isn't there. It's only gonna be like that big. Let me ask you this, what's your like, like, what kind of guys are you into? What's it? The. The baby daddy, is he an anomaly? Yeah. What race is he? White. White. Oh geez, you said it like a real racist. Well, okay, so here's the whole thing. Uh huh. Not a ton of the people I've slept with are white. I can tell by the way you're shaped. And I knew that's what you wanted to get to. Yep, no doubt about it. So somebody told me to make that joke when I started comedy. They were like, if you get it out of the way, it saves everyone else the trouble. It's true. I helped you at least, right? No, I did it myself. I could have lied. In honor of the guys that love you, you're walking away with a big black joke book. Ladies and gentlemen, Honey Donowitz has made her Kill Tony debut. Wow. Wow. All right, this is a long episode. We're doing one last bucket pole. We're going to get it up and out of here real quick. D Madness is furious. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Luke Rabel, everyone. Luke Rabel. Here we go. I got banned from a Mexican restaurant. There were no words on the menu, just pictures of the food. And I knew this was going to be the best meal of my life. Eat it all, having a good time. And then I feel the rumbling. The gurgle guts are upon me. I stand up and it is detonating. Just ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Make my way to the bathroom. I'm dilating. It is time for my metamorphosis. I get in there, I sit down, my butt sneezed. Worst crap and cry of my life. 30 minutes of farting and sobbing. Get up, push the handle. Nothing happens. Push the handle again. Nothing happens. Well, I need to tell someone about this. And based on that menu, they don't speak a lot of English. So I go, el bano. El bano. This guy follows me in, I point to it, I push the handle, and down it goes. I invited this poor immigrant to attend a funeral for my. Thank you. All right, Lou Grable, welcome. I'm gonna make this quick because we're in overtime. How long you been doing stand up? Six months. Six months. What do you do for work? I work full time at a grocery store. Okay, nice. Yeah, I notice you say grocery store. It's not H E B. Or else you would probably say that because you'd be proud of that. Right? It's related to heb. Whoa. A lot of winks there. Yes. What does that mean exactly? It means it rhymes with pentral carcat, but I don't know if I can say it online. Oh, all right. Yeah. Yeah. How about that? What do you do at the grocery store? I work in their cafe area. So the people come in, they tell me what they want to eat. I. I hit a touchscreen line, cooks make it, I hand it to him, and I smile like a good little chick. Fil a manager the whole time. Okay. Yeah. Do you work hard or are you a little lazy dog? I have such a guilty conscience. Yeah. Like, if I'm not doing something, I feel like, well, they hate me now. So we're gonna go out there and we're gonna make these people write me into their will if I have my way. Okey dokey. What made you want to start stand up? Six months ago? How old are you? I am 27. 27. What made you want to start now? Well, I moved here from Maryland and grew up in Frostburg, so, like, very small population. And there was a small theater there, and my friend was on the board of directors, and he said, hey, I know you like doing stand Up. Would you be interested in doing a show here? And I said, sure. How long do you need? And he said, well, we need to justify opening the bar, so if you can make it about 45 minutes, that'd help us a lot. And you had never done stand up before? I did it when I was 17 for, like, a few minutes at a church picnic. Wow. Okay, so no, perfect. Pretty much, yeah. So I timed out everything I had, and I said, hey, I got two hours. Let's make it happen. So went up there, did a two hour set. It sold out. So I had a hundred people in there because everyone's desperate for entertainment. How did you sell it out? You just go, I'm doing stand up. Just put it on Facebook. It was kind of like, I know this person who knows this person who knows that person. Like, everyone Frostburg. Yeah, everyone's a third cousin. Okay, and then how did that go? Well, Went really well. They were laughing the whole time. We sold out of the alcohol. During the intermission, I wore a Hawaiian shirt and I wore this hat. Wow, that is a wacky hat. There's no back to it. Turn around so that people can see. It's the assless chaps of hats. Okay. Is that One of your jokes, you do that once in a while. You were doing a two hour set. Would you do that? Yes. Okay. Yeah. What's the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here? The thing that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on the show? Some. Something perhaps from your childhood, your family? Anything at all? Based on what I've seen of the show thus far, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that's engaged. Okay. You're engaged right now? Yes, I am. Okay. Where'd you meet this girl? She was a setup from a mutual friend. I met her in an abandoned parking lot at 9pm last night. Not a little over a year ago. Okay. Yeah, 9pm was very specific. It was dark. Huh. And it's not more specific than an abandoned parking lot. There used to be a high school there, but they demolished it for some reason. Yeah, I don't care. What happened when you met her at that parking lot that night, Luke? Well, my friend didn't tell me what she looked like. She didn't send me a picture. So she got out of the car and I thought, okay, not bad for a silhouette. I wonder what this girl's gonna look like. So she came over. We started walking around this vacant lot talking for a little bit. She said she wanted to race me. So both of us take off running. She fell flat on her face. I thought, oh, my God, I'm gonna marry this girl, aren't I? Wow, is that one of the jokes you did in that two hours? No, that was before I met her. Oh, amazing. Okay, Luke. All right. Did you guys in that parking lot that night? No. You just kissed? Yeah. Nice. Here you go, Luke. There you go. Thank you. All right. There goes Luke Grable, everybody. Yeah, I tried to get one more up here and make it interesting. You're a sweet boy, Luke. Sign up again sometime. There you go. There he goes. Luke Rabel, everybody. If you could have told me that it would be hard, I would have guessed that was the Mormon guy, right? Yeah. We just raced on our first date in an abandoned parking lot. I gotta tell you, William has been sick the last couple weeks, but he's back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews on this show. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. This is the return of William Montgomery. I met her in a dark parking lot and I fell in love with her and I killed her in the parking lot. Scientists have developed a way for people with severe lung problems to breathe in and out through their butt red band. I could see that you are doing that right now with your second ass, bitch. I went out to the Middle east to perform for the troops. And it's crazy because I had no idea I had such a big following in the Taliban. One time in Chicago, some guy gave me aids. My buddy has a foot. My buddy has a foot fetish. And for Halloween he dressed up as Quentin Tarantino. He went to a Halloween party and there was a girl dressed up as bigfoot and she ended up pressing charges because he wouldn't leave her alone. Okay. Wow. What a relief to have William Montgomery back. The big red machine is fully operational yet again. You've been out for a few weeks. I was very sick at. Tony. It's actually very sad because I messed up my sciatic nerve again. So I haven't been able to row for five days. So I'm. We'll see what happens. But you love your row machine. You've rode many miles. Almost. I love it around the world. People are saying, yeah, that's 1400 miles. Yes, I've been almost around the world. Almost around the world this year. 1400 fucking miles. Google it. Whatever. It's around the world. The circumference of the earth. 1400 miles. I've done it on the row machine, so it is pretty impressive. I think that's why I messed up my sciatic nerve. I almost got it into the 38 minute time period this past week and I was almost there. In my last stroke I pulled. I just did it really hard and then I felt it. Something pop in my back and I got up and tried to stretch and I felt woozy and it's real hurt. So amazing. And that was recent. That was in the last. Yeah, that was Thursday. That was Thursday. But you were out two Mondays in a row. Tell us about this little ailment that you had. God, Tony. I mean, it was. I was coughing. I was coughing a bunch of stuff up and I was real sick. And Tony, if I'm gonna be honest with you, I was. I was pretty sick. But I was also. Every now and again I'm just not feeling very funny and I hadn't been feel. I wasn't feeling funny and I. And now my sciatic nerves all fucked up and I'm telling everybody I got fucking aids up in fucking Chicago. I mean, it was literally a couple of weeks ago. Some dude fucking gives me aids up in Chicago, whatever. So that really isn't helping any of the Seriously, Ron, I mean, it's bad. And my fucking sciatic nerve hurts. And Red band looks as stupid as ever in those glass. Those plastic looking clown glasses that you wear. What are those things? They look real plasticky and cheap and stupid. What are those? Yeah, what are those? They're glasses. They're glasses. God, you always sound like a monster to me. But, Tony, I did my longest set last night in Louisville, Kentucky. I did 56 minutes. It's the longest I've ever done. I never done that. It was also in front of maybe the smallest crowd. I've done comedy in front of him in a while. It's probably 30 people or something. But Tony, I felt real comfortable. So I gotta figure that out. I gotta figure out how to get that comfortable in front of any size crowd. Because I was. I was. Felt good. Yeah. 56 minutes. Four more minutes and I would have hit an hour. But wow. Maybe someday, you know. Tony, there was a personal trainer here last week and he wanted to talk to you really bad because he said that the rowing that you're doing is really bad for your health, actually. Yeah, okay. What do you mean? I don't know. He was saying something like, it's really bad. So what, he wants me to turn out like you're fat? Yeah, man, like he said it was. I mean, you could die. Die soon, you idiot. So what, I need to just stop doing the row machine? You nasty person. Seriously. Shut up, dumbass. That's part of the reason I start feeling kind of sick. And I think, God, I'm gonna see Red Bands stupid ass up there. And I swear to God, it tips the scale for me not wanting to be here. I swear to God. I swear to God. Red Band, it tips the scale just so much. Like if I'm kind of feeling sick and then I'm thinking about your stupid ass, I think, no way. And then I have to call Tony and it's awkward, but it's because of you. Red Band, Wow. You know, a little fun fact is that. That. Oh, he's a thinking man over here. Poopy butthole. Mashed potatoes. All right, so a fun fact about the first two weeks ago when you called out sick for the first time is I believe it was Michael Gonzalez or somebody sent us a picture of you post workout that day, which we found interesting. So it kind of. I know my. I'm God. I was. I was worried. I was thinking, tony's caught my ass. Yeah, I did. Because people are like, I don't know why he's sick. Check out this picture of him earlier. And it's crazy because when we met William, I mean, holy. He was so bloated. And so. It was seven years ago. I swear to God. It's almost been seven years. I've been doing this show, like this week or last week or something. Seven years. And I saw this picture of you and you're ripped. Would it be too much? No, no, no, no. I'm not doing it. I don't. I'm on two hours of sleep. The abs are unbelievable. You don't have those abs. No, Tony, it's them. They want it. I was on two hours of sleep. No, I don't feel good. I still don't feel good. I'm on two hours of sleep again. Why do you. Why did you only have two hours of sleep? Because my flight back to Austin was so early. I always try to get on back to Austin and then I just stay up. It was the. I was up there 56 minutes. I was so pumped after that. So I stayed awake for hours. What did you do? Boo. What? Did somebody say boo? God. What did you do when you were awake all night? What do you do? You are just on your phone or do you do something in bed? Do you count sheep? What the. People want to know. These people have been watching you for almost seven years. Every week they see you and they want to know, what does a guy like William do while he's laying in bed? We've talked about everything. We've talked about your favorite board games, your favorite puzzles, your favorite snacks. Snacks. Your favorite vegetables. We've covered it all. Oh, my God, Tony, you know what offended me the other day? Something when you were just talking like that to me. Somebody. I'm talking to somebody up where we do that, where I do the workout stuff. And I'm talking to this guy and we're having just this regular conversation. And out of nowhere he says, do you have a learning disability? Hell, yeah, he does. And I just walked away. What would make him ask a question like that? I don't know. I don't know. I've been doing self reflecting. I don't know. Do I have a learning disability, Tony? I don't know. Red bands nodding is. Of course he does. You're. Well, what do you think I am? Because you can't show your abs. Because you're tired. Your abs are tired. You can't show your abs right now. Just be weird. What if. What if. Let me ask you this. Would it make you feel better if red band showed his abs first? Look at the. Look at the little giggler over here. Come on. Look, Troy's got his camera out. This is gonna be a magical moment. Red band. Red band. Red bat. Red. The crowd wants it. Red band. Red first. No, stand next to me. Stand next to me. Come on. Come on. Stand next to him. Stand next to me. Come on. Red band. Come on. Yeah. I don't want you either. It can't be worse than what we already have in our imaginations of what your abs would look like. No, I'm unshaven right now, maybe. Do you think that matter? I don't know if that's better or worse. Whoa. Look at that. Can you just show me a little bit from under the table? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dude, you might have cancer, bro. All right, William. So nice to be back. Tony, we are so happy that you're back off of two hours of sleep and yet you did it again. Unbelievable material. Sneaky little deliveries and treats. The Chicago AIDS thing in the middle, I love. Just a funny setup and on to the next one. You. I was hoping that was going to work because if. If I couldn't get the beginning part, then I was just thinking there are times where then it just snowballs and nobody's laughing at any of it. But it was so fun tonight, Tony. Thank you so much. Everybody loves William Montgomery. And you did it again, William. Go see him on tour. He's doing his longest sets. The baby boy is all grown up. The hall of famer William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in and it's awesome. It's Ron White. That is cool. As. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Oh, is that Dave Attell? Yeah. Another one of the ghosts oats. Davitel, one of the best in the world, if not the. Along with the great Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. Catch him on tour every once in a great while. Lucky Oklahoma has them on New Year's Eve. Tickets to Tater salad dot com. I'll say it again. Ron started this gangster in Austin, Texas, and it's gonna be written about in history books. People are making YouTube documentaries from what I understand about Austin, every day. So that's a. That's a thing. We're having a blast here. Ron White and then Joe Rogan, Tony Segura, Christina P. Duncan Trussell, Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker. It goes on and on like it's absolutely crazy. The amount of talent that is here all the time. It's unbelievable. And now you got your Dedrick Flynn added to the mix. It's so exciting to watch everything happen in real time. Shout out to Marcus King who joined the band all night tonight. One more time. His brand new album, Darling Blue is unbelievable. I have a copy of it. It's on my vinyl record player right now. It is unbelievable. Unbelievable. Thank you to Sean Greenberg and the rest of the best damn band in the land. Red Band Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com I love you guys. Very few tickets left for New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. We hear you. People say I try to get tickets all the time. But you can't get tickets. So you can get tickets for New Year's Eve. Why spend it anywhere else? Come to Austin, Texas, the capital of bars per capita. The live music capital of the world. The live comedy capital of the world. We love you. Thank you. Good night. Thank you. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half. The service admit is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means half day. Yeah. Give it a try@mintmobile.com switch upfront payment 45 for 3 month plan equivalent to 15 per month required new customer offer for first 3 months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy taxes and fees extra. 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