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Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Time. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian R. Band, ladies. And. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Osa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muhling, John Dees. And that is D Madness on the bass guitar. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Bluechew and Quo. You guys ready for a great night? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This episode is brought to you by White Claw Surge. Nice choice hitting up this podcast. No surprises. You're all about diving into tastes everyone in the room can enjoy. Just like White Claw Surge. It's for celebrating those moments when connections have been made and the night's just begun. With bold flavors and 8% alcohol by volume. Unleash the night. Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard Seltzer with flavors, 8% alcohol by volume. White Cloth Seltzer Works, Chicago, Illinois. Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class I got delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bund home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer availability, amount of discounts and Savings and eligibility vary by state. She's wide awake in her whiskey hole. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Here we go. This is it. Every single week, I have two of the best guests on planet Earth. Two of the best comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special one. Both returning guests. One of them, a returning guest of the year. A multi layer guest of the year hall of Famer with another one of my favorite Comedy Store comics of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. You're here for a special episode. This is Adam Ray and Ian Edwards. Adam Ray, live in the flesh. Ian Edwards, let's go. It's all happening, people. Ian Edwards new special untitled, is now on YouTube under Ian Edwards. Stand up. You must check it out. Ian is a legend. Comedy Store super regular. And I mean him and I have been doing the thing goddamn forever. The old, the old and the new book. Well, the old bookers of the Comedy Store used to have us side by side all the time. 10, 15, 10, 30, 10 45, 11, 9, 4, 5, 10. So we are brothers in this. Welcome back in. Make sure you check out his pleasure. My pleasure. What can I say? This guy reminds me of Dr. Phil. He reminds me of Elaine. He reminds me of Jeremy. He reminds me of me. Of me. Still got it. Is the hall of Fame guest of the year, Adam Ray. Absolute royalty around these parts. Indeed, perhaps not unarguably, one of the greatest guests of all time. Love the show. Thanks for the intro. Got in today, shaved red bands, back an hour before the show and just fired up to be here. Man, what a night. It is. Going down. The who Is Me theater tour. Adam Ray's first giant theater tour, January through April. Get tickets@adamraycomedy.com and the final ever they say, even though I think I've heard this a couple times, the last ever Dr. Phil Live is happening December 16th. That's a real way to do it. You're like Floyd Mayweather Jr. You're like, this is my last fight. Yeah, you're gonna have to get it. It's like that McRib. Yeah, yeah, the McRib's never coming back after this. You're gonna be putting on that bald cap for the rest of your life. Dude, I'm probably gonna die. Yeah, this will be the last one for a bit until you call Colin. Until what? Until you come calling. We'll do one more. That's right. Yeah. Absolutely. No doubt about it. How about one more time for Adam Ray and Ann Edwards? Two of the Best guests to ever do it. And so they know how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this show. You know how it works. Their time is up. You hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Hell yes. How exciting. I'm gonna let this gentleman with a drawn on hairline first name of the night. I didn't want to say anything. Hell yeah. This guy. So this guy's got a Sharpie of a haircut. Welcome, sir. Hello. He looks dangerous. He looks like he has a stabbable weapon in his pocket. It's gonna be fun. While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to start it off. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner Martin Phillips, everybody. And like that, the show has begun. This is Kill Tony brought to you by Bluechew and quote. What's up? Okay, cool. I was in. I was in Vegas. When people play poker, everyone has their tell. My tell is when I accidentally drop on my car and go, don't look. Nobody look. Timeout. Okay. Come on, get me. And they brought my own gun to the roulette table. You know, really, really needed to be 21. Okay. When I used to work in their little school, I would get a lot of advice from their little school girls. And one of them told me, she said, if you like someone, you should find out where they live and let them know. And I said, martha, I'm not doing that again. I can't go back. Martin Phillips getting us started with a bang. Is that true, Martin? Do you play poker sometimes? No. I saw like, no. Oh, okay. We went to the ink. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I was just building chips now, like, yeah, let's see what happens. They don't have rules on the table. Okay. Age is for dumb people. Okay. Ian Edwards, what do you think? Yeah, I would love to play poker with you. I don't even play, but this will be the first time I win. Beginner's luck. Have you played craps before? Oh, of course, baby. I know the answer to that. I just wanted to see him do that. Yeah. Hell yeah. Killing it. What's your favorite game in Vegas? What do you tend to do when you're there? Slots. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What's that supposed to mean? Yeah. What is that supposed to mean? Martin, is that true about the. What Is the. What's the what? Did you do the middle school thing? Oh, yeah, yeah. There's me. Every day she would ask me, oh, Mr. Phillips, do you have a girlfriend? And I was always like, shut the fuck up. That's none of your business. I get this. Her boyfriend. She said she had a boyfriend, but he went to a different school. Yeah, I was like, bitch, I heard that before you made that shit up. How's your current love life going? You're a big superstar now. I mean, you're easily recognizable from your face and your walk. I'm a distinct figure, you know? Yeah. It's hard to hide, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You have a lot of fan girls coming up to you. Not too many. Nothing. Nothing crazy. Yeah. But it's never. It's never the ones you want, you know? You know. Can you describe what those look like? Yeah, just for their. I think you could imagine. Okay, okay, I didn't say that. Come on. But I mean, you must get lucky sometimes, right? Once in the blue, you know? You know, I'm low key, baby. Okay. Keep it. Keep it out in the DL, dude. I don't want to. Mommy's done out there, you know, let's chill. You know? I love it. Where do you get a shirt like that from? Where exactly do you get a shoe? If I stare at that. Yeah. Bring out this. If I stare at that long enough, will I see a sailboat or something? Like, what exactly is going on there? It's got principal on a safari vibes, but it's nice, it fits. It's a cool shirt. Yeah. Literally, though, I genuinely know. I do, every few months I do this thing called a stitch fix where they send me clothes and I go. I have my own stylist. They send me clothes. I go through and I go, oh, oh, this is nice. Oh, maybe. And that's. That's my secret. You're doing a commercial for Stitch Fix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Promo code. Keep it on the DL. Yeah. You know what? People have been asking for you to do me, so. Oh, Kill toys. Yeah. Or just. Are you talking outside? People want me to wait? What do you mean by that? I got to read the comments. You were. You were in between the lines. Wow. Okay. Well, if I am going to go gay, it will be with a cripple. That was my high school yearbook quote. Wow. Sick. Anything else crazy happening in life nowadays, Martin? You know, fuck you guys, okay? I didn't. Fuck you. Say anything. I'm thinking, okay? I have to think. I think out loud. It's the noise when he's processing, he's like. He's like. Old Internet dialogue. You said you didn't do impressions. Come on. That's the only one I do. I know how to do old. Somebody just did you. Yeah. So what else is going on, Martin? I don't know. I'm always. Always somewhere traveling. I'm all over at the place. Come see me in your nearest town. Hell, yeah. Come check it out. You're a superstar. Yes. You know, I did. I don't know the health is gonna work, but I sent multiple videos by people. You ate sand at multiple theaters by people. Why would you eat sand at theaters by people? You knew what I said. No, I don't. I really don't. Can you repeat it? Okay. Okay. I get sent, yes, multiple videos from people, and sometimes it's like another crippled guy that looks like me, but sometimes I get this. This has been sent more than once. It's like frequency healing, where you have, like, a frequency thing, and if you put it to me, I just shake all the way out. And so I bought you. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Time for the frequency thing. And Martin Phillips, he can't get it out of the bag. And so, okay, we hit this, huh? And apparently, put it to me, you know, shake everything out, and I am, you know, super Superman. Can we do it? My stuff. Heal me. Let's heal Martin Phillips. Ladies and gentlemen, with the right vibration, anything is possible. Here goes. Adam Ray, our very always active panelist. It's not gonna. It's not gonna give it to us, right? Ian Edwards, just. Just before. Let's cover all the bases. I don't want all of us leaving here. You don't know if the frequency waves are gonna go, you know. But I have no idea how it works. But what I've seen that way. Okay, hold on. Put it up to the microphone. Put it up. Put it up to the microphone, Adam. Here we go. Oh, he looks calm. Whoa. He stopped shaking. Whoa. Oh, Wow. Is it working? Oh, my God. You seem still. No more eating sand outside of theaters for you. Okay, do it and dodge me with it. Yeah. I thought you'd never ask. You feel better? I think. I don't know. This is quite the science experiment. Okay. This is great. I was told I wouldn't be doing this on tonight's episode. That's a good start. It's a good start. We'll keep doing it. Make sure you put the little fancy cover back on it, or else it might get damaged or something. We have to keep that Tuner in tip top shape. It's very important. How's everybody feel? Hell, yeah. Normal. All right. How do you feel you feel? I feel like if you just take off your glasses, you'll be straight. You're like the most handsome cerebral palsy person I ever met. He really is. I've never asked a handicapped person for their skin regimen before. A natural baby genetics. I don't know. I don't know if we've ever. Yeah, it went both ways, but I got the skin part, so I don't know if we've ever seen you take your glasses off. Can you look out there and take your glasses off real quick, by the way? Oh, a little disclaimer incoming here. I was gonna say these are new glasses. Oh, these are my liberal cuck glasses. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Wow. My God. Unbelievable. Getting bitches. Martin, you've done it again. You got the show started for us. It's not easy opening this show. And you did it yet again, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, Martin Phillips. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting as we make the switch over to the big bucket of destiny here. Some of these people are completely insane. Some of them are the next greatest talent in all of comedy waiting to be discovered. Some people sign up once they get up. Some people have been signing up for months and months with no luck. Anything can happen. You're watching it all live. Your first bucket pool of the night is John Chaney with an uninterrupted minute. John Chaney, here we go. In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman when I was in the military. They said, keep your friends close and enemies closer. Can't get any closer inside of them. That didn't pay off in Iraq so much. Let's see what else we want to talk about tonight. I'm nervous as hell. Y' all did bad on this last time a few years ago. I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but let's just put it this way. My ex, she was a cross breed of dogs. She'd be a mix of a dachshund and a pit bull. Nobody, nobody. A wiener pit. Nobody, nobody got that? Okay. Speaking of kids, I got three of them when my oldest was four. Long time ago. He's in college now, but for Halloween, I dressed him up as a suicide bomber because what's scarier knocking on your door? The 15th Spider man of the evening or a 4 year old Pakistani kid in a man dress and a suicide Vest that instead of saying trick or treats, yelling, A la snack bar. A la a la snack bar. There is again from John Cheney. It's a good punchline. You have three kids, John. Yes, I do. And appears as though you have triplets on the way as well. At least. I love it. You were on this show a few years ago. You said. Yeah. And it didn't go good. Well, the interview went well. Okay, big joke. What did we talk about in the interview? Your Pakistani ex wife. No, not. I look. Little bit. But are you still with her? No. Okay. That didn't last long. How long did that last? 12 years. 12 painful years. Okay. But no, we talked about me seeing. Watching a guy a goat. That's. That was the highlight of it. Saw a guy a goat. Yeah. In Iraq. Yeah. Oh, okay. The bad guy. Well, the bad guy's. It wasn't an American soldier. No. Right. I hope not. Yeah, that'd be weird. So what's been going on since then, John? How old are you? I am 43. How long you been doing stand up? This is like my fourth or fifth time. Fourth or fifth time ever on stage? Yeah. And you were on years ago? A few years ago, yeah. I was living in Northwest Tennessee in the middle of nowhere. I just spent the last two years trying to sell my house so I can move here. I had to go to court to get permission to move my daughter with me. Okay. Made it happen. And moved here this past Saturday. Congratulations. Look at you. John Chaney moved to Austin. All right, John. Hell yeah, Ian, I think you're funny. You're just nervous as shit. You're shaking more than the first guest. Yeah, it is true. It is true. That's bad. That's. That's bad. You are very nervous, right? Very nervous. Yeah. You watch the show regularly? Yes. And you're in it right now? Of course. So now you're in the interview portion, Right. What do you think? You didn't tell us last time you were on that we would find interesting in the interview portion this time. You've had years to think about it. Yeah. Okay, let's see. I don't know if they'll find it interesting, but I spent talk right into the tip of that. I spent some time in. Where you're from? Youngstown. What were you doing in Youngstown? You know the Lincoln place? Yeah. Yep. Was there for a while. What were you doing at Lincoln Place? Just got put in there by the court. Wait, what is Lincoln Place? That was that. I thought it was like a shopping mall, but. No, no, no. Rehabilitation center for kids. Teens. Well, why were you put there? The courts put me there. They put you in a rehabilitation center for teens? Yes. So when you were a teen, this happened? Yeah, I was 17 at the time. Okay. I was a rough. All right. I'm like, what have you done in the last few years, John? You've had time to. Well, I got sent to a teen rehabilitation center. That'd be fun. I bet it would be. You creepazoid. Look at this guy. Killed him. Kids, you sure you weren't the guy who. The goat? Not that night. Not that night. You said you're 43, right? Yes, I'm 43. Okay. You look like my dad. Yeah. Yeah. What? Two trips to Iraq will do that to you? Yeah, for sure. Okay. So, yeah, just life is weathered. Weathered down. Yeah. Three kids. Bad, bad marriage. Yeah. Dude. Destroy you three? Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. You're like Bert Kreischer if he was called the sleep apnea machine. That checks out. Definitely. That was. That was funny. You look like. He look. You look like bird of. All of his. Potatoes were fully loaded. All right, John, what are you doing for work nowadays? Retired military. Retired military. And tell us, what else did you see in Iraq? Tell us what it's like being an American hero. And by that I mean the sandwich. Not. Not a hero. It's boring most of the time. Yeah. Most. It's not action every day, so. Right. What exactly did you do in the military? I was artillery. Okay. You ever shoot anybody? Well, I mean, we shoot at people. It's artillery kind of shooting the general direction and trying to take out, like. Trying to talk to me like I'm an. So what'd you do, miss? Shot at people? I get sucked. We are. We don't choose where we shoot. They tell us where to shoot, and we just shoot that general direction. Were you shaking like this when you was shooting? Yeah, sometimes. No wonder the war took this long. You miss? Yeah, I was. We talked about it last time. I was a drill sergeant also. Oh, okay. I wasn't always like this. I look like I ate my. So. It's a good point. You do look like you ate yourself. John, are your kids big, too? Normal? Not at all. Healthy kids? Very, very much so. All straight A students. Nerds. It's weird. I don't know where what's. So do they seem Pakistani? My oldest does. The other two, not so much. My daughter tans really well, though. Wow. All right, so they're 50. You see how everybody was trying to decide how they felt about that? They're 50. 50. You and Pakistani. So that makes them snack packs. Am I correct? Sure. All right, John. Well, fun times. Welcome back. You're getting there. You got a little joke book last time, I'm guessing, right? Big. You got a big one. Well, this time before Christmas. This time you're getting a medium one. I was in the giving mode last time. John. John Chaney. Oh, my God. This guy was fighting for our country overseas. Can't even many years ago. Oh, okay, there he goes. How about a hand for John Cheney? Just moved here this week. That's what I'm talking about. Some of these people sign up for a year straight. They don't get on. Oh, my God. There she is, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Her show Love on the Line is@Heidy Regina.com. hi. This podcast is sponsored by Talk Space. Talk Space is the number one rated online therapy bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, time, anywhere. Talk Space, therapy and psychiatry is covered by most insurers, and most insured members pay a copay of $0. Find the licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs. We all know therapy can be costly, but part of the mission of Talk Space is to provide quality care that is accessible and affordable. Whether or not you are insured, Talk Space makes getting the help you need easy, accessible and affordable. Oh, man, Tony, I love Talk Space. I think they're providing the best mental health treatment out there. I personally think therapy is amazing and can help with moments of real transformation. O yeah, that's right. We're reading ads. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get 80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to talkspace.com Tony and enter promo code SPACE8.0. That's S P, a C80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com Tony & enter promo code SPACE8.0. Hello there, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Zip Recruiter. Folks, I love holiday movies. They have the best plots, an offbeat family gathering, a child's wish, even a holiday miracle. To make those holiday favorites, it takes a team of talented people, from actors to editor to props, sound crew and more. And when it comes to building such a team, whether it's for the entertainment industry or a wide range of other industries, you need to hire the right people. The best way to do that is with ZipRecruiter. And right now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony a red band, of course. Tony. I love ZipRecruiter. They're the best hiring site around. ZipRecruiter's matching technology works fast to find top talent, so you don't waste your time or money. Now you can find out right away how many job seekers are in your area qualified for your role. And with ZipRecruc recruiter's advanced resume database, you can instantly unlock top candidates contact info. It's amazing. Indeed. I don't want to be home alone this holiday season, that's for sure. So make your hiring a little merrier with Zip Recruiter. 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try zip recruiter for free. That's ziprecruiter.com kill Tony. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com Kill Tony. Ziprecruiter. The smartest way to hire your second bucket. Pool is ready. This looks like a new name. Let's see if it is. Make some noise from Michael Hines, everyone. We're gonna meet Michael all together. I want to be the strong silent type like John Wayne. But I'm really more of a fat gay clown like John Wayne Gacy. I'm polyamorous, just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else. The two things taking jobs in this country are AI and hola. I think marriage is a lot like hitting women. If you think you would never do it, you probably just haven't met the right girl. My opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't. Unless it's mine. Cause I'm just really not ready to be a dad yet. So, you know, same as every guy. Do you guys know why Jesus is in such good shape? He's the original crossfitter. A lot of quick jokes. There he goes. Michael Hines. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back, Michael. Thank you very much. How did that feel compared to last time? Last time went pretty well too, Tony. You're doing good, Michael. Thank you. Hell yeah. Remind us, how long you been doing stand up? Just over two and a half years. Two and a half years. What do you do for work? I'm a realtor's assistant. Open houses and stuff. Wow. Put on a nice shirt. Okay. Adam Ray. You look like you're gonna shoot up a bass pro shop. Yeah, it does. That is exactly what he looks like. So. I think I have a concussion right now. Why? How'd you get a concussion? On the way over to sign up for Kill Tony on frontage Road. I got rear ended by a guy going like 50 miles an hour. Whoa. I also got rear ended by a guy today. Okay, did. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you? Take a guess, Tony. No, I'm gonna let you just say it. Welcome back to America's most Racist game show. Yeah, I. Take a guess, Tony. Yeah. No way. I just ask the great questions and that leaves you with the responsibility to be the racist. Hey, man, that's not my fault. If anything, it's on that guy. He's not doing a good job. I'm gonna ask you again. What ethnicity was the guy that hit you? Michael? The world wants to know. He was white. Me, I'm. I'm staying out of this one. Is no. What's we all. Michael. Answer the question, you idiot. Mexican Tony. There you go. We know this. No, I didn't know that, Michael. It could have been Asian too. Let me ask you this. He wouldn't have run, okay? Did. Did the wow, wow, where's Martin's tranquilizer thing? Or did he run, he rear ended you and then took off? Well, he apologized first and then he got out of there. He got out of his car, apologized, pulled his window down. I got out of my car and he said, my bad, bro, and whipped out of there. Wow. Damn. Was your car damaged? Fuck yeah, it's damaged. He's going 50 miles an hour. How do you know it was exactly 50? You keep saying 50. Well, I think he was going faster than the speed limit and the speed limit's 40, so. Guess. Godamn Ian Edwards. I think the guys here, he just didn't want to miss Kill Tony. Yeah, yeah, he may have signed up. Well, we're going to find out later. He's going to be like, yay. I rear ended a guy, had to get here. It's been a crazy day. I rear ended some ass nerd before I got here. Ah, interesting, interesting, interesting. What? What kind of car was he driving? Red. Band wants to know. Some silver, shitty 19. Some 1990 something. I don't know. I don't know cars. Tony. Do I sound like I know cars to you? I don't know. You just rain man. Guess the miles per hour three times. I think you have some idea. Fair enough. Your jokes are really funny. Thank you. Yeah, very funny. Michael. What else is going on in life? Tell us more about your private personal life. We want to know. You know, I've just been trying to lose weight, Tony. I'm a pretty big fat Pig right now. Well, again, compared to the last guy, you're a fucking. Well, I don't want to be compared to the last guy, Tony. Okay, Michael, how have you been trying to lose weight? Just working out and stuff. But my knees are pretty shot from the Marine Corps, so I used to like run and do hard shit, but now I'm a big pussy and my knees hurt. So you were in the Marine Corps? Yes, sir. What's up with all these fat veterans coming into the. Jesus Christ. Did you fuck a goat? A goat? No, I just fucked ugly girls domestically. I didn't go abroad. He's doing it. Michael Hines, tell us about your time in the military. What'd you do over there? Thank you for your service. It was a tremendous waste of time. Right after boot camp, the pandemic happened. So I ended up spending. I went on to my next training schools. There was a six week water survival school and I was there for 14 months because the base was just shut down because the command was a bunch of gay liberals. They hated Ron Desantis, so they were like, if you leave the base, you're gonna get sick. And we just weren't allowed to train for 14. We did a lot of cleaning running the beach. It was kind of nice, but a big waste of time. Wow, is that how you hurt your knees? Yeah, log runs and crawling up hills and other. That we didn't need to do. Yeah, it did kind of me up. Well, we were trying to get you guys shrunk, but you kept eating all the gushers. Joe Biden. That's right. This guy was 95 pounds before he got out of the military. Running on the sandy beaches of Florida. What an unbelievable hero you are, Michael. Thank you guys, I appreciate it. Tell us about your real personal life before we get you out of here. What's your love life like right now, Michael? You seem like a real creep. I got laid like three weeks ago. Girls don't really like me for more than a day or two. So it's more of a one and done kind of deal. Okay. And they're not that good looking either. So I'm not bragging. Right. It's just what it is. Welcome to another episode of the Girls I Hook Up With Aren't Good Looking starring everyone. So this girl three weeks ago, where'd you meet her at? At a show at the Nar bar. Comedy. Wow, okay, so what exactly happened? She came up to you after your set? Yeah, she was a. You know, she was actually not that bad looking as far as for me Goes, she probably could have. She probably could have lose 10 pounds, but who's talking? She was a beautiful Latina Tony down by the border, and I raw dogged her. Okay. It was pretty cool. Wow. Where did this take place? At your. You took her back to your place? Oh, hell yeah, Tony. I don't got no roommates. And then so what happens? You walk her in? What do you do? Do you offer her a drink or something? Take us through the exact order of events at your home. What's it like getting raw dogged by Michael Hines here? I'm getting. I'm getting word that the world wants to know. Can I be the girl? Yeah. All right, so let's set the scene. I'm the girl. Give me some romantic music, guys. Wow, Michael, this is such a cool, I guess apartment. Is that what you call it? Yes, I do. What? Yes, I do call it an apartment. Oh, remember earlier at the restaurant when you said you can't eat your food all the way if I'm going to fuck you because you don't want to fart? I do remember saying, by the way. By the way, you crushed at the Nar Bar comedy show. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm going to finish that burger and then I'm going to plow you. Okay, but don't. Don't record me like you did the whole Uber ride over here. Well, you gave me your consent on camera, so we're good with that, you know. Yeah, but only after you gave me that pill, which was my plan B that I dropped, so it's on me. Perfect. Yeah. Which. Where do you want to go, by the way? Like, do you have a bedroom or just this futon? Well, I do have a bedroom with a mattress on the floor. What a weird way to say you have a bed. The girl acknowledges the unframed posters on the wall. Oh, my God. I didn't know there was a Goonies 2. Where the. Did you get that? You must mean business. Oh, yeah. He tries to distract her from the Goonies 2 poster girl. Let's get real loud and wake up my downstairs neighbor. She's a. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't like that type of language unless you're me. Actually, you do. Oh, okay. Am I practical jokers right now? So you said you had something to drink. What sort of beverages are in your fridge, Mike? Hill Country Farm diet root beer? Wow, someone's trying to lose ten pounds. Ooh, that's just my favorite type of Hillcrest soda. It's a guilty pleasure. You're A guilty pleasure. Can I ask you a personal question, Mike? Okay. Do you have any condoms? No. I knew that. I knew that. By the poster next to the Goonies poster that says, I raw dog everything. So I guess I'll take my pants off. You better. Whoa. But in a loving and affectionate way. After consent. Very good. Cover your bases. Good job, Michael. Boy, I guess I'll lay down because it looks like your knees are in pretty bad shape. Yeah, you're gonna have to get on top and do most of this, to be honest, because a lot of me's in really bad shape. I hope my FUPA doesn't bother you. I'mma lick that fupa, girl. Bring it over here. Wow. All right. This is out of control. This party is crazy. I don't know how. What do you say after you finish? Thank you. Wow. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Hines. Only on Netflix can you see something like, Michael Hines raw dogging a Latina fan from narbar. Do you mind if my black friend watches? Girl, I thought we both knew he was. I left halfway through the worst porn I ever heard in my life. So did you ever spend the night or did she leave that night? I Ubered her out of there, Tony. Wow. Michael Uber X. No, I don't know. I can't afford that. The cheapest one. Very good. Yeah, I guess so. You gave her a lift? Yeah, I got her out of there, Tony. It was over. All right, Michael, you got a big joke book last time you were on, sir. You still have it? I do, but it's full. Yeah. Is it really filled? It's full. All right, then you get a new one. There you go. Wow. Still not a cot joke book tonight. How exciting is that? Great job, dude. Thank you. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Big Stu. Everybody, it's time for a minute from Big Stew. Oh, what it do? Comedy Mothership. My name is Big Stew. I. I've been using this duolingo app, right? Trying to communicate better with my co workers, and I just found out they don't even teach you the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from, like, Spain. So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're gonna sound like a dork. And they're not gonna tell you either. It's gonna be like, oh, como esta usturus? And they're just going to be like, bn, but in parentheses. They're going to be like, this guy's a piece of shit. But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learned English on Duolingo, would he come to America all like, oi, it's Tuesday. Isn't. My name's Big Stu? What'd it do? Hell yeah. Filling in the last five seconds of time there perfectly with a catchphrase that nobody needed. Big Stu, is this your first time on the show? I did this show in 2019. Okay. Wow. So how long you been on stand up? Total? Total? Oh, man. Maybe a year and a half. Well, that was six years ago, so. Yeah. How could you be doing. I'm talking about all of them if you add them all together? Because I do it for a couple months, quit for a couple years. Why do you quit for a couple years every couple months? It's just hard to stay motivated in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oh, is that where you still live? No, I moved here a while ago. How long is a while ago? Almost two years. Almost two years ago. So you've been doing it a year and a half, but you were on in 2019 and you moved here two years ago because it's hard to do in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but you've only been doing it a year and a half. I mean, all together. Like you keep saying all together, but if you count, I did it for a couple months in 2015, a couple months in 2019, and I've been going consistent since March of this year. Okay. All right. Why do you think you lose motivation so often, Big Stu? By the way, you have Big in your name and you're the smallest guy that's been on this show tonight, just to let you know. Well, I. I was like 40 pounds heavier in January. Okay. How'd you lose the weight? The last four Comedians Want to Know and Red Band Diet and Exercise. Diet and exercise. Have you tried Hill Country Diet? Root beer? No, I haven't. No. I will. So, Big Stew, what got you motivated? What gets you motivated? You're clearly easily unmotivated. How do you stay motivated? Moved to Austin. That helped. Uh huh. Other than that. Other than that, now that you're here, sometimes I'll take acid and get really motivated to do shit. Okay, Big Stu, what do you do for a living? Right now I work at a place called Build a Sign. What is that? I make flags and tablecloths. Oh, okay. What kind of flags are you making? A lot of trans flags mostly. A lot of businesses. People buy, you know, for their business. Have you made a trans flag? I've made a few. Look at that. See, they make flags over there. I've Been looking this whole time? Yeah, I've been. I've been looking for one. I can't find one anywhere. Okay, Big Stu. What? Give us some fun facts about your life. Do you have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? I can kick myself in the head. Oh, absolutely. Put the mic in the mic stand. We definitely need to see this. It's starting to all make sense. Ladies and gentlemen, that is how you end up on. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it counts. That is not how I expected that to go. That was a true sidekick. To the head. To the direct to the forehead. Yeah, I kind of thought your foot was gonna go up high, but no, you leaned your head down and kind of just side kicked yourself. I. I think we could all do that, by the way. Just none of us would ever do. How many want to see Red Band try that right now? Come on, Red Band. You can do it. He's here to make Kill Tony history right now. We once saw him try to suck his own dick. Oh, he's using his hand. Oh, shit. Red Band, Red man coming about 3 and 12ft away from his head on the first try. The physical limitations are incredible. We're getting old, buddy. We're getting old. He's like, I could do that. I heard three discs pop out of his spinal cords. That was like watching your kid jump off the high dive and just flailing to the bottom. Oh, my God, your belly hurts now. Oh, my God, my belly button. He pulled his belly button. Ladies and gentlemen, not everybody can be the physical anomaly that Big Stu is over here. Guy's been kicking himself in his. How long you been kicking yourself in the head for Big Stew? We're learning a lot about how you ended up like this as long as I can remember. Wow. Like the family has. You do it. Hey, Big Stu, show them your trick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow. That's a big thing in Tulsa, Oklahoma. You could have been mayor with a trick like that. Yeah, yeah. What's the biggest crowd? You've done that for this one? Yeah, yeah. Before that? How about. How about before this? You know what? I'm not gonna make you think that hard about it. What do you do? Did I ask you what you do for work? Yeah, Yeah. I make flags. And that's right. You make flags. What's the craziest flag or sign you've ever had to make in which you're like, go, God damn, we really have to do this. Somebody had a flag. It was like Super Mario Brothers, but it said something about Ketamine. Very good. Very quick on those, Mario. You got that Mario board figured out? You kind of look like Andrew Santino if he quit comedy to manage a Little Caesars. Yeah, it is true. Yeah. Do you ever get that, like, did. Who do you get? Like, with the beard and stuff? Like, you get. You have, like, a 90s movie character look, right? You don't get that? Like, you worked at a video store or something? No, I don't think so. I don't. I don't know a lot of that. All right. Porn. Porn. Yeah. Yeah. What's your love life like? I gotta know. You seem like the kind of guy that would make love to a tree in the woods or something like that. I'm not dating anybody, but back home. And also, I've got a few reliable booty calls that keeps me saying, a few reliable booty calls. So, like, the last booty call you had, like, can you. Can you walk us through that? What's that like? What's it like hanging out with a guy like Big Stu? Hey, babe, those are crickets for no reason or. It's a frog. Okay. There's a frog in your house. Go ahead, Big Stu. Just a hotel and a little bit of tequila. Wow. That's all? Why do you get a hotel? Take us through the thought process of getting a hotel. You didn't like your place in Tulsa? Not the kind of place, no. I mean, I. I mean, it's. Whenever I go back to Tulsa, I get a hotel for the hookers. For the hookers? Yep. So you hook up with hookers? No, no, not hookers. Okay, how about here in Austin? Have you hooked up with a girl in Austin since you got here? In March? Okay, so, like, where'd you find that girl at? It was whenever I was living across the street and working as a door guy, so it kind of. Where were you a door guy at? I was a door guy at Peckerheads and Burnside. This is all here on 6th Street. So how did this happen with the girl? Let me guess. You did a show at Nar Bar, and the thick Latina comes up to you because clearly she will fuck anything. Yeah, no, I. I'd seen her around a few times, and then one of my off days, I had cocaine and I asked her if she wanted to something. Only if you kick yourself in the head. Yeah. Was it a thick Latina? No. Oh, it's a white girl. Black. Whoa. I would not have expected that. Big Stew. You look like a racist. No, no, quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. Is that Your. That's your style. That's your flavor. I. I do like black girl. What do you love about black? Why? What do you prefer? Why do you prefer black women over whites? Take us through it. Take us through the process. It tastes like honey. Ooh. Damn. All right. Look at that. We'll be right black. Ian Edwards, what do you think about this analysis that black women taste like honey? It's not the worst thing that's been said about black women, but the fact that it's coming from a guy named Big Stu. But. So you like black women? I do. Is it because you're, like, a redhead and you feel like you've been rejected by your own kind? No, no. I mean, I'm just saying redheads like me too. Redheads like you too? Yeah. How often do you even see a redhead? I don't know. Every once a week. Wow. Amazing. I know they'd be out here like that. So just, like, for example, this black woman that you met, how did that happen? You offered her cocaine. And then. And then what happens? And then we went upstairs to my apartment. You went upstairs? So she was just downstairs outside of your apartment building? Well, yeah. It's 6th Street. Oh, you live on 6th Street. The apartment is on 6th street across the street. Was it one of the homeless women? No. And so you take her up to your place. Let's. Let's reenact it. Adam Ray is now a black woman. Yeah. Big stew. It's the right lighting here, Keena. I don't know. Big St. Is going to. I don't know. Big Stu is going to have such a big room. She acknowledges the unframed poster on the wall. Oh. Jurassic Park 9. I thought they all meant for them. You got some cocaine, Big Stew. I do. Yeah, I know you do. That's all. Yeah, I saw you hiding that in your shoe with Nabob. I got you. Yeah, well, busted apple. Hey, let's do it. Let me do a bump up of your titty. Oh, say what? Pop off your titty. Bump up my titty? Yeah. All right. Let me take my Eddie Bauer jacket off. All right. Which do you want to do? I had a surgery, so the left one spawned and did the right one. Which one are you pointing at? Sue, be definitive. This side. Huh? This the one on this side? As your roommate, I'm leaving. That's fine. That's fine. We a staring at my titties. All right, Big St. Go ahead and do that bump, baby. No, you can stay right there. It it. Oh, Wow. Oh, I think he gave the nipple a little kiss there. Yeah. There was no need for you to gnaw on my actual titty. But now that we're here. Yeah. You wanna turn those lights down, Big Stu? Maybe show me something bigger than just your name? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I got you. Why are you so intimidated? You got cocaine. Oh shit. I thought you left. Nah, I decided to stick around while you here. You might go can make me a sandwich. I saw some bread and meat on the next to the kitchen. All right, I got you. Thanks, baby. Big Stu, what do you say after you finish with a black woman? Why are you still here? Wow. Unbelievable. Man, that post nut clarity kicks in hard for Big Big Stew. And did she spend the night or did you get her a car? I passed out drunk and when she woke up, she was gone. Wow. Amazing. You nailed it, Big Stu. Good job. You check your house to make sure everything was there still or does he look like he got something to steal? There's nothing worth stealing. Yeah, exactly. All I walked out with was a Game Boy and some wars originals. D Madness is going to find that woman right now. Man, if this guy could get then I could definitely this too. All right, Big Stew. All right. Here's a medium sized joke book. Good job. There you go. Hi there. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Going online without ExpressVPN is like leaving your laptop unattended at the coffee shop while you run to the bathroom. 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Whether it's their first pair or their 50th pair, to Covis has already put plenty of stars under the tree. And beyond Boots To Covis also offers a wide selection of men's and women's apparel, bags and fine leather goods like belts, wallets and more. Right now get 10 off@tokovis.com kill Tony when you sign up for email and text, that's 10 off at T E C O V A S.com kill Tony to covas.com kill Tony see site for details To Covas. Point your toes West. We have a friend here, ladies and gentlemen, who's gonna do a minute. A good friend of the show from the Comedy Store, one of our old pals just swinging into town. So we're giving him a minute and we love him. It's a good friend of ours for many years, friend of everyone and cool comedian, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Taylor Boss, everybody. I used to be addicted to drugs, but then I got off of them because I found a woman and I could tell she really wasn't a heroin kind of gal. She was classy growing up though. My parents probably should have known I was gonna have an issue with addiction just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot. Cause my brother, he would eat his like a real nerd. It would take him forever, just little piece by little piece. What a fucking nerd. Then there's how I would eat my food by the foot. Now let me know if you would eat it the same way. Okay? What I would do, I would open up the package, just take the whole thing out immediately. Anybody else take the whole thing out immediately. Roll it up to a little ball. Yeah, roll it up to a little ball. Parents probably should have known I was gonna have an issue with addiction. Cause with my fruit by the foot, I would take the whole thing out. I'd roll it up into a little ball. I'd put it on a spoon and melt it down. Then I would inject it in my last remaining good vein. I was 10. Anybody else? Thank you, Taylor. Boss. Hell yeah. Melting down your fruit roll. Welcome, Taylor. How's life going? Great, Tony, thank you very much. I've been out here for about almost a week and been having fun. Tell us about it. What can someone expect their first week? A lot of walking, a lot of eating. Ate too much. I almost terry blacked in my pants. Yeah, a lot of eating. Yes, yes, we do that around here, right? Red band, red bands. Recovering from a torn belly button. It hurts. It doesn't really hurt. Yeah, it really did pull. And we were just talking about pulling because we're getting old. Like, I really did pull this. Taylor, it's good to see you doing comedy. I mean, like I. You know, before when we used to know Taylor in la, you. You weren't really doing comedy much. Not at the time, no. I mean, I've been doing it for a while. I've been doing for like 17 years. But in the middle, I took like five years off to do hard drugs and paint pictures. Yes, he is one of the great painters you'd rec. You can recognize his art all over Chris Rogers Rogan Studio. And you've seen it in the backward background of Rogan Studio and other places. What else is going on, Taylor? Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know about you. About 13 years ago, I got admitted to. To the mental hospital against my will. Nice. Yeah. Why? I was using my room as my studio and I was accidentally huffing paint 24 hours a day. And I was having grandiose thoughts. I was telling people that I'm God. And in fact, Tony, I'm not God. Oh, I know because I am God. No, I'm kidding. I've been huffing Sharpies for 12 and a half. Anyway, what was the mental hospital like? Taylor? Tell us. It was a little bit weird. They put you in with the craziest person just to kind of scare you a little bit, see how bad you want it. Then after I started scaring the shit out of that guy. They put me into. Actually, the first activity was Pictionary. And I don't know if anybody here has ever played mental Hospital. Pictionary before. Not a lot of participation. It's just me and this guy Peter. I just met him. Don't get me wrong. I mean, what I didn't know about Peter is he's been in the mental hospital for a year and a half, and he's memorized all the Pictionary cards. So we put on a show. Nobody in that room will ever forget. It's crazy. Then they had us do karaoke. And then I tried to escape. I only made it to the parking lot. Then they put me back in a room, and this time my room did not have any windows in it. Ah, yeah. Yeah. But I was in there for about a month. Yeah. Did they give you medication? They did, yeah. Terrible. How did that make you feel? Terrible. Yeah. I got off of it. When I got out. I kept a journal so I didn't kill myself. There you go. Yeah. Look at that. Thank you. Yeah. Something clapping for not killing myself or journaling. Thanks, man. Adam Ray Taylor's hilarious. Known you for a while. He's opened for me a few times recently and crushed it. Once in Hermosa beach, once in San Diego. Ripped it. What's really cool is, is. And I guess this goes for most of the people you see that come through shows like this or anywhere is just how much he's been grinding. And it's always cool to be in a position to throw some bones and to somebody. And he crushed it both times. It was awesome. Awesome. So, yeah, hilarious. And just. You were hilarious just now. So you're getting more comfy in your own skin, which is really cool to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just like to second that. This motherfucker's funniest shit. When I used to see him not doing comedy, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Get back on stage. And I also own some of his art. He does. He owns a couple pieces of my art. And I was a little disappointed that he didn't die, so the value of it would go up. Yeah, the value skyrockets when they die. But I like him on Alive. I. I'll take the loss on the art. You know, tell people so they can find your work. Where? Where can they find your art? Just on Instagram. Taylor boss1s bos. Correct. That is right. Taylor, you had a great set. Fun times. Taylor Boss, ladies and gentlemen. Love you, bud. Here's a fruit by the foot. We have an actual fruit by the foot. Somehow they. I was just handed this. You got it. Go melt it down. Eat it. It out of a spoon. There goes Taylor Boss. Check out his art. He is unbelievable. All right, back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun new name. Make some noise for Muhammad you all. Muhammad you all is next on Kill Tony. Lord and savior Joe Rogan, you got in trouble for saying, I don't have a problem with people who can afford to go to space. I don't have a problem with them saying, if you can exit the earth's atmosphere, you say, if you can exit the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere, exosphere, ionosphere, you can say nigger. You're in a niggasphere. Nobody cares. I've been kissing sleeping homeless people on the forehead. It's my way of giving back. Guys, next time. Next time you see a sleeping. Oh, can I, Can I. Go ahead. I want to know how this sounds. Next time you see a sleeping homeless person, tuck them in. Muhammad, you all making his Kill Tony debut. I mean, wow. I gotta tell you, we are going to be bleeping those n words. YouTube has a rule. We figured out out all the modern rules, even though they're always changing with YouTube. We had the actual executives here a few weeks ago, and we asked them every question possible. There's a limit to how many times even a black person can say the N word. And I asked, what if they're really black? Like, what if they're like, darker than pure black? Can they say the N word? And they said, no, you have to bleep it. And. And somehow. And I know, because you are are that guy that we are gonna have to bleep four times. So if you guys are wondering what he was saying during those bleeps, it was the N word and it is proven. Ian Edwards, who looks like milk chocolate compared to this is like watching 50 Shades of Black over here. This is. Yo. This is the first time I've ever been live skinned in my life and I appreciate it. He's. He's white to me. Oh. Oh, I know, I know. It is incredible. Even D Madness is like, hey, that's what I see. You're the only guy D Madness has ever seen before. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the. That. That's my kind of. I had to come back out so that I can see that. Muhammad, tell us what life is like being quite that shade. I mean. I mean, when you see a police officer, do you just lay on the ground and automatically like, what's the situation here? Exactly? Call me. The outline of a chalk black dude, that's incredibly racist. No, I don't know, bro. Okay, welcome. How long you been doing stand up, Muhammad? Ten years. Ten years? Where at? Iowa and Austin, Iowa. Wow, you must have really stood out in Iowa. Holy. Is that where you're born and raised? I was born in. When Sudan was a whole Sudan. So Khartoum, Sudan. Now it's south and north. Okay. Yeah. How old were you when you moved to America? 10. 10 years old. Okay, 10 years old. All right. 10. 10. Perfect. And what was it like acclimating in Iowa? That was the first place you moved to? I didn't come out. I moved here in December 2004, and I didn't come out for a month because it was snowing in Iowa. Oh, I was terrified of the snow. Yeah, well, like, yep, Ian, he's coming from war torn Sudan. I was like, fuck this snow. I can't imagine the contrast when you walked out in snow for the first time. I can't even imagine. So, Muhammad, what do you do for work? I work at Target. You work at Target? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. What do you do at Target? Exactly? I do. You know those sampling cards? Yeah, yeah, I do samples at Target. Holy. Yeah. How. Looks like Adam Ray's wheels are turning here. Oh, yeah. Big sample guy you are. What. What are you pushing on the people? It could be. It's anything that you can, like, buy at Target, basically. Right. What's up? What's kind of like the hot item that really people go bananas for? Why do you have to say bananas? Like, why'd you say that? Yeah, why did. Why? That's racist. Yay, Adam, over here. Hey, what are people going ape about nowadays? I knew I should have done a character. I can't trust myself. Listen. No, you know what I meant. Bonkers. Crazy. What do they go? What do they. What do they. What do you bring out? And people. You know, what was the. The food that. That last week I had? Peppermint chocolate. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What's your love life like, Muhammad? It's terrible. Tell us about that. That doesn't seem to make any sense. You're a handsome guy. Well, I moved out here to do comedy and I had a girlfriend in Iowa and then that was over with. So you miss her? Yeah, I do. You do? I do miss. And how long have you been in Austin? Two years. Two years. Have you talked to her at all? No. No. No. Was she sad when you left? Yeah, I was supposed to get married. She was, yeah. Really? Tell us about that. Like, you proposed. I didn't Propose. But I was. Was it arranged? No. Well, my mom does. She has a. My mom has a couple girls arranged for me, but. No, the girl. The girl that I liked. Yeah. She did stand up. She did stand up, yeah. Does she still do it? I don't know. Wow. You really just don't even. Right. Is she Sudanese? You'd be shocked about the dancer. You shock. You Asian girl. She's a white woman. Wow. That is correct. Over. Under. Over. Under. Under 170 pounds. Under. Under 170 pounds. Under 170 pounds. Now I'm actually shocked. That's amazing. And you. Have you been with anyone in Austin? No, no, No, I haven't. I have a scd. Oh, what is it? Genital warts. Wow. Amazing. Tell us about that. Do you remember when you got that? Like, I caught it in Cairo, Egypt, in a balcony. Wow. Let's cut to a clip. Yeah, we don't have it. So where. Where in Cairo or did you find a balcony to hook up with a woman that had genital. I. I was 10 years old. She was 16. Wait, you were 10? Yeah. Oh, my God. How did you know what you were doing at 10 years old? I have. I. I don't know. It just felt right. Yeah, it felt right. You're like, I'm gonna put this there. Yeah. Holy, man. That's crazy. Wow. So do you just have those all the time? Is that a thing that just stays. You have it your whole life. You can't get rid of it, but you can get rid of the symptoms, but it always stays with you. Get. Am I just an STD class? No. This is great. We find out what's different about everybody here. This is amazing. Did you bring this up during the target interview? This feels like a pretty personal. No, no, no. Yeah. Wow. So basically, I mean, what does that mean? You just have to use a condom all the time? Yeah, basically. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Is it a couple or is there just like one big gross one? It's a good question. Red band wants an actual description. There's three. The big three. Like, wart remover on it or have you tried any, like, home tick tock remedies for it? Red band, that's enough. Put down the microphone again. What were you doing in Cairo exactly? I'm kind of confused here. So in 2004, the Sudanese government was. They were killing a lot of people. Just randomly or was there a specific reason or type of people? It was in South Sudan, where they had resources, where the government would hire rebel rebels to Go to like, remote villages and like, kill the population and get the resources. And my mom wanted to get the out of there. What were the resources? Like blood diamonds or something? Is that right? It's very funny, guys. No, I'm genuinely curious. It's very funny. What is that? It's just oil. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. So my mom decided, you know, get the out of there. And we seek refuge through the United Nations. That a refugee program where if you're in a war torn area, they'll rescue you and take you to better places. So she applied and then we moved to Cairo, Egypt. I lived there for four years, then I came here. You, right. Amazing. And they shipped you to one of the safest places in the world. Iowa. That had to be a culture shock for you at 10, right? Yes, yes. Whole different situation. All white people around you, basically. I mean, I, I, I lived around white people my whole life in Egypt. Oh, they have a lot of Chinese people in Egypt. That's a fun fact. Oh, okay. All right. General TSO's meet genital warts. That's how that goes. You see, that's a Chinese genital war show. Figure that one out. General, say I love it. Muhammad, do you have any special skills or talents other than comedy? I'm double jointed. Ooh, can you show us a trick? Wow. Oh, my God. The Exorcist. Anyone could do that. Yeah. Do not. Oh, man. I pulled my, I pulled my shoulder blades. Muhammad, I like your style. Congratulations. Thank you for signing up. Come back again. Let's do it again. There he is. Muhammad, you all. Ladies and gentlemen, Black Friday Savings are here at the Home Depot, which means it's time to add new cordless power to your collection. Right now, when you buy a select battery kit from one of our top brands like Ryobi or Milwaukee, you'll get a select tool from that same brand for free. Click into one of our best deals of the season and stock up on tools for all your upcoming projects. Get Black Friday Savings happening now at the Home Depot. Limit one per transaction exclusion supply full eligible tool list in store and online. When the holidays start to feel a bit repetitive, reach for a Sprite Winter Spiced Cranberry and put your twist on tradition. A bold cranberry and winter spice flavor Fusion Sprite. Winter Spice Cranberry is a refreshing way to shake things up this sipping season and only for a limited time. Sprite. Obey your thirst. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have what I think is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show and he's only been on for a few weeks. I think he is the future and the present. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. God, I love this. Honestly, Austin, Texas, I owe y' all apology. I was on y' all Wicked online for a long time and in public. It wasn't my fault. This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people. Cause I'm from Atlanta, I don't have the time, you know what I'm saying, to count all the black people. And then I was on the. Then as soon as I got killed, Tony, I was like, oh, shit, nigga. Y' all got great sunsets. This is the most booming city in the world, right? Ask me my favorite comedian. Who's your favorite? Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe, my mother fucking favorite comedian. I love being out here now. I just needed to. Cause the problem was I was on the bus most of the time, so I never got to see the beauty. Cause y' all put the homeless on the bus. And I know where they stop at and it's near where I live. But the beautiful. Cause this is what happened. One day I was walking up here. The first time I wanted to sign up. Me and my friends was walking and he asked all of my friends for money. And then when he got to me, he was like, keep your head up. But now that I got killed, Tony regular when I'm riding my girlfriend car. Cause I ain't got that much money yet. We stopped over here and the dude went to go clean the window. And then when she tried to give him money, he said, nah, you got something good on your hands. All right, he gonna be somebody. Thank y' all so much. I'm Detric Flynn. Fuck yeah. Dedrick Flynn. I love it. Is that true that you rode the bus in Austin? Yeah, all the time. I didn't even know that was a thing. I guess I kind of buses. But you gotta walk. Like where I gotta walk is like a two mile walk around the interstate. And then you get on the bus. Like there's no like real bus lines like going anywhere. They don't really go through downtown. I don't really ever see them. Is. Well, that's because you got money, Tony. I, I, I see him all the time. I'm like, oh, there's the 801. I was on there. Even when I'm driving around in my luxury automobile, I don't see buses very much. That don't come up on your Camera. I love it. Dedrick, how's life going? Your episode came out. You're officially Kill Tony famous. Tell us how your life has changed. Dude, everything's changed. You know how, like, when you get a new haircut and you got errands, you know what I'm saying? Like, niggas gotta say I'm cute. Like, that's how I feel right now. I got new shoes and shit. My shit popping. I've been taking longer shits in public because niggas gotta see these shit. Sometimes I don't even take a shit. I just put the lid down and then I scream. So that way when he come outside, he like, hey, yo, some nigga with heat on his shoes is dropping logs right now. That's amazing. That's an amazing way to show off nice new shoes. Sometimes I just slide my foot in. They stall, you know? That was you? Yeah. Them shits is hard. I knew I recognized them. I was gonna ask you where you got them from. That is awesome. Other than new shoes, what else? You're financially secure now? For the first time in a long time. Yeah, man, this shit is crazy. My phone on. I don't know. I don't need the WI fi no more. Shit is like, actually, I get to go home this week to do Killers who Killed Tony at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, which is one of my dream venues. That's right. Dad's gonna be. I just get to go home. I don't even know how I feel all the way yet. Cause I haven't been home. I have. I haven't seen my mom. I haven't seen my brothers. I haven't seen my sister. I haven't seen, like, all of my friends that have been there since day one. All I know is the phone calls, but I haven't got the hugs from it. So I'm probably gonna come back a fucking monster and crying all the fucking time. I can't wait to cry for two weeks straight. I love it. I love it. Ian Edwards. This is beautiful, man. How does it feel to be Rob? Even Fiona chiming in on that one. We got a different frame. You bald and, like. You look like five cigarettes put together. Or black and miles. I'm not very robable. The homies don't even look me in the eyes. Like I told you. They give me respect off rip. They know I got a gun. Tony know I got a gun. He said I can bring it in. Now I'm a regular. It's true. All regulars are allowed to have guns. That's why William has four attached to him at all times. I love it. Deadrick, Dedrick, Deadrick. Adam Ray. Yeah, I. It was really moving, the. The moment when you got the regular spot. I told you that before I saw you. But what did you do after that? I guess, like, it was. How do you ride that high, man? I had so many people. My. Like, it's just because the people that were waiting at Shakespeare's, they all heard my name call, so my phone was, like, blowing up. And then after I got the regular, I ran out of here with Jay Legend bags and boxes. Jay Legend, you singing? Cause he was going crazy when I got called. So we're crying, walking back to the Shakespeares, and all I did was scream at the top of my lungs, I got motherfucking regular, bitch. And then the whole crowd went crazy, and it was fucking sick as fuck. And then I've just been. I don't know, like, in a. I'm not even in the driver's seat right now. Everything's happening that I want it to happen. All I'm saying is follow your fucking dreams. Dreams. All right. Yeah. Follow your dreams. No doubt about it. No, you're right, because not even. It must have been four years ago, I saw you on the street and I kissed you on the forehead and tucked you into your sleeping bag. And, like. So now to be here. No, it's a callback, but no, I don't want to take away from your stomach, but you're exactly right. Dude, you said 39 times until you got called up, right? Yeah, 39. That's wild, dude. It is. What's possible? He went from 39 times signing up to not. Not to. With nothing. To getting on, to opening for Joe Rogan two days later, to doing the Fox Theater three weeks later. And he's gonna be in the arena. Yes. Open for Ron White. Gonna be at the arena here on New Year's Eve. Come on, you gotta get ready to be ready, right? Huh? So you gotta get ready to be ready. Yeah, that's it. And he's been ready. He is hilarious. Hilarious. We've seen his longer sets. They are incredible. Find them. Follow them. Ladies and gentlemen, Dedrick Flynn. The dark storm of Atlanta has arrived. And on to the next one we go. I gotta tell you, this name looks amazing. And I hope it is anything like what it seems to be. No doubt the first time for this bucket pool. Let's see if. If the carpets match the drapes with this one. Make some noise for Stevie, One Leg Wonder. Stevie One Leg Wonder. Okay. Indeed it is, Stevie. One Leg Wonder. Hey, Austin did a 23andMe the other day and found out I'm. I'm Chinese. Yeah. I'm from vagina. Yeah. Oh, hold it up to your mouth. My bad. I didn't realize. Oh, no. I just lost my train of thought. I was outside last Monday. I signed up and I was looking at the homeless. The homeless guy in the street, he had a vacuum cleaner and he was running it back and forth on the line. I was just like, wow. Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. Super awesome. What do you guys call a black guy that flies a plane? Call him a pilot, you fucking racist. That's all I was prepared for. There you go, Stevie. One Leg Wonder. Welcome to the show, Stevie. How are you? Nervous? You're good? You're doing just fine. Stevie, how long you been doing stand up? This is my first time. I just moved to Austin two weeks ago. Your first time ever doing stand up? First time. Wow. How old are you? 40 years old. 40. And what made you want to start now? I wanted to start since I was 13, and I went and fucked around at 16 and had kids and more kids until I was 21, got a divorce and ended up raising three kids by myself. So how old are the kids? 18, 20 and 22. Wow. You did it. You raised three grown kids. That's amazing. No felonies, all driver's licenses. No felonies, all driver's licenses. Clean records. Amazing. So, okay, let's jump right into it, shall we? Or not jump if you're you. How did you lose the leg, Stevie? Which story do you want to hear? Because I tell like 150 different stories. Can you tell the truth? For you, Tony, I will tell the truth because it's an honor to be here. Perfect. Let's hear it. Okay, so I was working up in Denver. We were loading a pipe for a sign that was going up on i70 and it just went wrong. And I was on the bad end of it, got crushed by it, taken to the hospital. Two weeks later, they decided to cut my leg off. Damn. Wow. Thanks, Red Band. How old were you when that happened? That was almost four years ago. Oh, okay. So that was recent. Yes. So take us through it. What are some things we'd be surprised by? Fun facts about having one leg. You get to tell a lot of one leg jokes. You get a leg up on the competition. Yeah. You put your best foot forward. Yeah. You know all that? Yeah. I mean, it's good to have one leg yeah. Ian Edwards. I mean, this is bad, but can you kick yourself in the head? You don't even know. You don't even know Know. He could beat himself in the head with that thing. Oh, my God. Wow. What are the odds? What are the odds? And. And he didn't tear his belly button. Cheated. Absolutely incredible. Wow. I don't know what it says about me, but I was genuinely, like, very excited when he did that. Yeah. Like, I don't think I've ever seen it. Did you unscrew part of it to. No, I just got to tickle my knee. And then it works amazing. You just tickle it with this button right here. Wow. Whoa. I just got this. This is a new leg. It was. I think it's about four or five weeks old. Wow. Little baby leg. Sure Con virgin. Where'd it come from? The store. Is there a leg store? Where do you get a new leg from? Amazon or. What do we. What are we? Evergreen Prosthetics. In North Carolina? Yeah. Muhammad wasn't giving out leg samples at Target. No. All right. All right. Stevie, what do you do for fun? You know, I don't. I don't know, since. Since I lost my leg, I haven't gone out much. But what did you used to do for fun? Everything. Dirt, bikes, motorcycles, Boats. Boats, camping. All kinds of stuff. You could still do those things, right? You just haven't tried. Yeah, but I got white boy money, so I don't have boats no more. What do you mean, white boy money? I'm broke. Is that white boy? I think that he mixed it up or something. Yeah, my bad. Okay. So you still with the baby mama? No, absolutely not. I was married for seven years, and out of that, we were together two. Wow. And then did what? The divorce cost you an arm and a leg. Just a leg. I was really good at negotiating. Amazing. Okay, so what's dating like here and there? Huh? I get around. You do? Sometimes. I'll get in my wheelchair. It goes faster. You have a wheelchair? No, I got rid of it before I moved here. Right. Okay. But how long have you. How long have you lived here? Thursday will be two weeks. Got it. Two weeks. So you haven't been on a date or met a girl or anything here yet? Nope. Okay. And it's just funny because the blind guy feels so bad for him. Yeah, he is. D man is doing his scoffing thing. Damn, that's cold. Yeah. Four years ago. Shit. Are there any specs on that leg? Like, when you ordered it? Like, can it do like, you did the thing. Well, I mean, yes and no. It's more the accessories I can put below the knee versus anything else I can put the running leg on here. It's just like a big spring. It looks like. Looks like Blade Runner, you know, like. But I don't run. If there's a bear, I guess I'll fight it. Well, there's no bears here in Austin. Where were you at before this? Raleigh, North Carolina. Right. How did. How's Austin different than Raleigh? Tell us about it. It's got a cleaner downtown. Yeah. I was actually surprised. I've watched the show a lot, and I've seen all the. The comments of the. The homeless population down here, and I was thinking Denver. You know, like, Denver's gross. You can't even walk down there. It's true. And people talk about the homeless population. It's really. It's two or three blocks of homeless people. Yeah, but the food, shelters, they're all cool, you know? Yeah, they just wander around circles. And there's a lot of liberals here in Austin, I can tell you. Lean to the right. How does it. All right. You said you've been here two weeks? Yes, sir. How long do you think it'll take you to land on your feet? I don't know. The plane's been canceled. Well, Stevie, keep. Yep. Adam, go ahead. I just want to ask. You said your gig. Do your kids, like, know you do comedy? Are they, like, supportive? Are they? Well, my youngest daughter was supposed to move out, and that's why I decided to move to Austin, and she didn't because some happen. But I asked her to come with me tonight, and she's like, I don't want to. So she's supportive of me being here, but she just doesn't want to be here. Yeah, she said, dad, I'm 18. I don't want to. I don't want to go hang out in a bar, watch drunk people get drunk. So that makes sense. All right, I'm gonna take a sip. Checks out. She's not wrong. That's a respectable answer for my daughter. Thanks, Stevie. Congratulations. I'm gonna give you a big joke book, buddy. I like your style. This is amazing. It up, work it out. First time ever. You're living your dreams. CB Oneleg Wonder has made his debut here on Kill. Tony, come back. Sign up again. Break a leg. Go do memes. What does that mean? Red band? Yeah, they. What do you mean? His big joke was. Oh, oh, look who it is. The very controversial Paulie Shore. Is it okay? Is it okay if I give you a hug, bro? I'm so sorry. It's okay. We don't need to hug. We don't need to. We don't. We really. We don't. Okay. All right, if you insist. There he is. Paulie Shore, coming off a very. A very polarizing episode of Kill Tony with Roseanne Bar. I thought we banned in which somehow he was the wild one. Just. I just wanted to come out here in front of your whole audience. I know my audience is different than your audience. Very different. Yeah. And I just. I was on. Thank you for having me on your show a couple months ago or whatever it was. But I was going through a lot of. Going through a lot of stuff. And I've been taking some meds and I said that I got banned when I don't look, who it is, is the silver goat of Kill Tony universe. Brian Holtzman has arrived. No, let me finish my apology so I can get accepted back here with the Kill Tony camp. You cocksucker. Please, Paulie, let Brian talk for a second. Let's hear what Holtzman has to say. I'm taking care of watching over him. I'm kind of his minder. And. And I'm sorry about this. I turned around, I had to use the bathroom and he ran up here. I just wanna say I lied. I lied. And I never got banned from your show. And I was just saying that. Cause I was. Fuck. I was on meds, but I'm okay now. So. Okay, Paulie. So thank you. I love you guys. I apologize. He's in good hands. His new caretaker, Brian Holtzman. Wow, what a moment. A double character cameo by the great. How about one more time for Pauly Shore and Brian Holtzman? Brian. Brian. Brian. You have any. Why don't you. Why don't you do it? Do it, do it, do it. Do it. Paulie, don't do anything. Just. Just. Just. Just be part of this set. Paulie. No, Paulie. Paulie's going through some rough times now with the controversy that took place. And I'm. They. They kind of want. This family wants me to keep an eye on him, you know, And. And I hate everybody too. So I just got back from New Orleans and my asshole is still sore. And we had a good time. And everybody's happy about that, and I'm happy about that, and everybody's excited about that. And I wasn't expected to be up here, so I don't have any canned anything to say. But I will tell you there's a lot of retards at the airport. I tell you that. I mean, you're in the airport. Can anybody get on this plane without help? Is there anybody that can get on the fucking plane without help? Families traveling with children that need extra time. Get on the plane, you retarded family of four. There's no steps on the jetway. Just get on the fucking plane. We're here. This should be a separate airline for retards and handicapped people that can't get on the fucking plane. Retard air paint a big wheelchair on the tail. I don't know. This plane goes down, nobody cares. You mean we can get rid of this van with the workbench on the back? You mean we can get this boat dock off the front of the house? The front of the house is a skateboard park. Why would you put the ramp in front of the house? You want to let everybody know you got a somebody not doing well in the house? Put the ramp in the back of the house. I don't want the whole fucking neighborhood to know I'm fucking somebody who can't fuck back. Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest ever in the Kiltoni universe. How about one more time for Pauly Shore and Brian Holzman, everybody? What a. What a. What a crazy world we have around here where Paulie and Holtzman just comes stumbling in. Back to the bucket we go. Everybody who knows the next Paulie Shore or Brian Holtzman could be this bucket pull. Anything can happen. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for Owen Galavin, everybody. Owen Galavin. I'm a first generation American, you guys. Both of my parents are from Ireland, but my grandma, she's from like a small island off the west coast of Ireland with like 40 people on. It didn't really dawn on me till I visited there last summer that that just makes me inbred as fuck. You guys. Who were they having sex with? No, I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am. I can never complain about being short again. It's a miracle that I can do math. Guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island. My family tree is just a wreath. I don't even have ancestors. I just have incestors. Since I've come to this realization, though, I have been blaming a lot of my flaws on being in Britain. That's been fun. People tell me I talk too loud. I'm like, dude, you're lucky I'm not screaming wheels on the bus right now. That's My time. Thank you. Owen Galavin. This is your first time on the show, right, Owen? No, I've been on a few times. Oh, okay. When was the last time? A year ago or something? A while ago. It was that crazy rapid fire bucket pull episode. No. Interview. Yeah. Oh, okay. Where we found Martin Phillips. Or, I mean, Aaron Belial. What was that? That was. That was. No, I don't know. It was. It was here. Okay. Bad. Perfect. Gotcha, Owen. So you had a rough set last time. Not great. Okay, well, welcome back. Seems to be getting better for you, Owen. Congratulations. You've been working hard at this. I have, yeah. How long you been doing stand up? About six years. Six years. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. Ooh, what kind of engineer? Mechanical by degree, but right now I work as an industrial engineer. You making good money? Pretty good. You live by yourself? I do. Nice. One bedroom. Yeah. One bedroom. Hell yeah. What's in your refrigerator right now that would surprise us right now? I actually just went grocery shopping yesterday, so right now it's kind of full. Got a bunch of chicken broccoli Alfredo I made yesterday. Ooh, not too bad. And some lamb chops I'm thinking about making maybe tomorrow. Wow. You gonna broil those? What are you gonna. How are you gonna prepare the lamb chop? You gonna bake the lamb chops? If I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna look up on YouTube how to cook them and just do what you do. YouTube tells me amazing. Amazing. Okay. Oh. And what's your love life like? You know, it's a relatively normal. I was dating a girl for a little while this year. We broke up a couple months ago. And since then, no real dates. Why'd you break up a couple months ago? I broke up with her. She was real nice, but it just wasn't, you know, it. And I figured. Break it off. Now, when you say it wasn't it, what exactly was she missing? Just a fee. It was just a feeling thing. You know what I mean? Couldn't feel it, like, deep down, you know what I'm saying? All right. She didn't. She didn't feel related to you. Yeah. Amazing. Owen, you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? Nothing I haven't done before. On here. Last time, I did a dumbass cricket noise, and that got. Let's hear the cricket noise. Red band. I mean, he's literally doing a cricket noise. So when you hit the sound effect, that's a lot of pressure. Here. Here he goes with his cricket noise. No, I can't do it. It's too much pressure. I choked. I choked. Can't do it. It tried. It tried as hard as I could. Try one more time. I'll try one more. Okay, here we go with this cricket noise. Can't do it. It is. Trust me, it is good when I'm not in front of 200 people staring at me. It's all right. Okay. All right, Owen. I see why I dismissed you very quickly last time. Yeah. All right. Okay. You're leaving with a medium, very black awesome joke book. It's a medium black back. There he goes. Owen Galvan. We're gonna keep it moving here. Some of these people, they really struggle at the interview part of the show. It's very interesting. It's tough, right? It is tough. Tougher than you think to just talk about yourself. But for some, yeah, for some, yeah. Yeah. I really try to help these people, but, yeah, you ask good questions. I do my best. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl. You still having fun out there? All right, make some noise for Sebastian. Sebastian. Santa Maria. Sebastian. Santa Maria. Yo, yo. How's it going, Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So unbelievable this is happening. So lately I've been having some crazy urges. And. I mean, I. I guess everybody has. Has urges. And mine have been at night, you know, and it's honestly been like, whether I'm gonna jerk off or not. And whenever I jerk off, man, I have terrible dreams. I think about, you know, like. Well, I dream about, you know, like, getting stabbed and bleeding out his Shrek's apartment. He's like, stabbing me is absolutely horrible. And then if I don't. If I don't jerk off, it's just, you know, I have epic dreams, dude. I'm like, smashing Fiona. Awesome, dude. It's awesome. And I'm not talking about the skinny. I'm talking about, you know, like, green hot, like, swampy puss. Fiona. Dude, this guy knows what I'm talking about. Hell, yeah. I know you like that, dog. So, you know, and I. I wake up at three in the morning. I'm absolutely bricked up. And what do I do? I jerk off. Terrible idea. Because guess what happens, dude. I'm back with Shrek. And he knows that I just smashed his fiance or his wife, depending on what movie. Jesus Christ Almighty. Sebastian. Santa Maria. What the was that? Oh, God, man. Holy Sebastian. Tony. Don't do that to me, man. How long you been doing stand up? I've been doing. I've been doing it for the love of sport, for the past like six to eight months, you know, I don't really have a handle or anything like that. You don't have a what? I like to do. You don't have a what? A handle. Like, you know, ig. I thought you meant like a handle on the craft. Yeah, handle on the craft. I think I. On that. On that second turn of the night, dude, I'm going to have a good handle of Shrek, you know? Yeah, I always love a good. It's one of my favorite things I get. And I think I even did it too, like starting out in comedy. Every new comic does it when, like, they do a joke and it's maybe not what they thought they wanted to say or how it was supposed to go. And they go, this guy knows what I'm talking about. Like, you suck this guy into your Shrek swamp joke. And he was like, I do know. I'm sorry, I don't. But I'm saying I do because I don't want you to kill yourself. Yeah, okay. I can see West Texas when I see it, man. Yeah. Yeah. Sebastian. Yes, sir. How old are you? I'm 26. 26, wow. What made you want to start stand up now, dude, why not, man? I'm. I'm in the oil field. I can't do any drugs anymore, so I figured, you know, I wanna. I have to get a rush somehow and this is kind of like gambling, getting killed. Tony. Me? Why not, dude, why not? Well, I mean, it's not really like gambling. You could prepare and do good at this. It's not like the. The house has better odds than you or anything. Everyone wants you to do good, so it's not really gambling. I mean, if you prepared and tried it out at open mics and stuff. 100%. Yeah. Okay. Do you have any. Any other special skills? What have you been good at in your life? You're 26. You're a good looking guy. Thank you, sir. Thank you. All right, answer the question. Jesus. Just fell in love after that. Guys. Guys don't get that many compliments, so I had to take a little breather. That is the one compliment anyone could give you. You do look handsome. Once you start talking, all the pussies dry up. All the hard cocks go soft. No swamp in here. I can see. What other skills do I have, man? I'm an engineer. I've been doing that for a while. Jesus. These engineers cannot engineer a joke, huh? Okay, what else are you good at? Anything. You seem like you could keep a soccer ball up in the air for a while? Something like that. Yeah, totally. I'm. I'm out here with the beanbag suit. I'm Argentinian. So number one. What does that mean? Yeah, number one, we won the World Cup. I mean, number one. Yeah, yeah, number one. Oh, you won the World Cup? I didn't win it, but Argentina. Argentina did. Ian is our senior soccer correspondent, believe it or not, the rare black soccer fan. Okay. No, they. They won. When did you win? Like two years ago. 20. 2022. Oh, 2022. Our. Our double senior soccer correspondent over there. Amazing. You said you can't. You said you can't do drugs anymore. What. What were some of the hardest and most fun drugs that you did? Did? Dude, I went to. I went to Texas Tech, man. Wrecking Tech. They. They quite a bit of them. They quite a bit of them. You want me to list them out or. I think that's what I just asked. Yeah, I think I remember when I said, what were some of the hard drugs that you did. Dude, you're going to put me on the spot. I don't. I'm not trying to lose my job. You're okay, Sebastian. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Yeah, Sebastian. Here's the little joke, buck. There he goes. Sebastian Santa Maria, ladies and gentlemen. So I'm going to tell you what, we're going to do something special here. This is completely unplanned. This has been one of those. This has been one of those rare Mondays where I have been in full recovery all day that we are coming off of Skank Fest weekend. I flew in yesterday with Shane Gill and Joe Derosa and we drank all day yesterday, starting with screwdrivers on the plane we landed, went to a bar and drank for 10 hours straight. I was sick in the middle of the night. I got an IV drip today. Been drinking water, coffee, this, that to repair myself. So I have to pee so badly that I'm basically sweating out of my eyes. So what I think we should do, if the crowd wants to do it and if Adam wants to do it. Why don't we do a little. Little Tony Hinchcliffe and I go pee and I'll let you call up this bucket pole. Is that. That sound fun to you guys? Ladies and gentlemen, hosting for me, while I step out to the bathroom for a couple minutes, make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. Oh my God. One more time. Thanks. We're really doing it, Redman. Oh my God. Who's having the best fucking night of their lives right now? By the way. Unbelievable. Don't play that monkey noise anymore. Red band your next bucket pole. I don't believe he's been on the show before, but he goes. He has a name. And I'm gonna read it right now here on Kill Tony. Oh, he goes by the name of Fuck. Brandon Roris. Keep it going for Brandon Roris, the Kill Tony debut. Here he is, everybody. Disney adult. Am I right? Ew, my kids dressing me. I have an excuse. Okay, guys, chill. Just celebrated 15 years of marriage. It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks, guys. We've been trying this new thing. My wife's love language is quality time. We like trapping a room. Trying to escape an argument in the car. That's right. Yeah. Just one argument away from winning. Woo. Keep going. I want to hear where this goes. We'll be right back. Oh my God. We're good. Hello. How are you? Hi. What's going. Do you want to. You want to spot? He was going to finish the rest of his joke. Oh, you're still. You're still doing it. This thing called momentum, it's gone now. We're good. Go ahead, finish it. Finish it. Yeah, come on, come on, finish it. Come on, finish. Come on, let's hear it already. Finish it. Come on, finish it. Pretend it's a plate of pancakes. Finish it. Finish it. Finish it. More of a French toast guy, but I'll still do it. There you go. Okay. Sorry. Look at that, ash. Oh, I'm more of a blunt guy these days. Wanna take your seat back? Yeah, let's swap. Swap. I swear it's the last time I'm doing Dr. Phil. Don't miss it. December 18th. I love you. December 16th. December 16th. Wilton Theater, Los Angeles. Oh, I love being back to me. Okay, how did that go? I'll tell you. I was just out back peeing. Didn't hear a lot. I felt like they're laughing at me. Not with me right now, but good. No, it was good. Are you. Were you once the catcher for the. In the movie the Sandlot? Now you're all grown up. This is how you ended up. I've been in a little bit of weight loss journey. I've gained 30 pounds. It's not going good. This is Brandon, right? Yes, sir. Brandon, you've been on the show once before. Yeah. And you cried. You got a little emotional last time. Yeah, I lost it like a little girl. No, it's fine. It's good you showed your true feelings. Yeah, I'm holding it together right now. Today yeah. How's life changed since you were on Kill Tony? Yeah, go ahead, Brandon. Yeah, answer the question, Brandon. I don't want to be known as the crying guy, but it's been great. I'm a huge fan of the show, love the community, been hitting mics and other shows and trying to get better at the craft. You say you've been hitting mics. Are we talking about Jersey mics or. I'm not. Yeah, maybe. What else has been going on in life, Brandon? I've been doing VR comedy. So, like, I actually won a thousand dollar contest and got paid to do comedy in VR. You won $1,000 doing VR comedy? Yeah. Wow. Redban is our senior VR correspondent. Yes. Cool. Okay, there you go. The key word being V there. In actual reality, not much going on, but in virtual reality, you guys are living your dreams. Just trying to. Yeah, it's been. It's been fun. I've been away. Been away for me because I have family. Can't get out to mics as much. So I've been trying to hone the craft, write more jokes and. And there's like real people in the thing. Most of them are furries, but, you know, work with you work with. What's your avatar? Spider Man. The. From the spider verse in the pink robe. I'm gonna kill everybody in this room. I'm sorry. This is unbelievable. This is just. This is what fat guys do, by the way. They go to VR and like, I'm Spider man now. I can jump around in virtual world. Look at me. I can. I can run in virtual reality. Oh, with the. If I just press down this toggle button, I can do what I can do now. Oh, watch. I'm going to kick myself in the head. Painfree. Kick in the head. Thanks for showing the last one. That was good. All right, whatever. No, what am I missing here? What would you ask Brandon if you saw his set? Yeah, I missed the first couple jokes. What is there like a. A joke that you didn't do, I guess that you feel like maybe you. Because I know sometimes you get nervous when you come out here. Right. You might forgot something you wanted to do. I didn't. I was planning on going into another joke from there, but then I lost. Well, didn't lose a moment if it just felt like the room was laughing. So I just kind of soaked in that. In. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw you kind of like just kind of milking them up. Is it. Can we hear one more joke or. Yeah, yeah, let's hear one more joke from Brandon Farris. I've been wanting to start this new thing called Only Dads. It's wholesome. It's where I say things to you, like, hey, Tony, I'm proud of you. Or, red band. We probably shouldn't do that. And then, just like your real dad, when your subscription expires, I leave Eve. Bye. All right, Brandon got a reaction. That must kill in virtual reality. Dang it. All right, what does he get? Little or big? What'd you end up with last time? I got a big one because I cried, but my daughter wants me to get a little one here. Guess what she wants. There you go. Daughter gets. I've been what daughter wants. There goes Brandon Ferris, everybody. Oh, my daughter's been doing comedy. Would you. Would you be open to giving her a minute? What are you talking about? How old's your daughter? She's. She's 8 and the other one's 11. No, we can't. We're not allowed to have people. Not at. Not at this venue. Because it serves so much alcohol. It's the secret show. Red Band. Whoa. Red band. Yeah, Red band wants to know how big her tits are before he books her. Is it still flatter? Is there a little something there? She might get the spot. What's her avatar? Huge. She's got huge knockers. There you go. There he goes. Brandon Ferris. I was just kidding. We don't really want to know what your daughter's tits are like. There goes Brandon, everybody. Final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the Name of Kendall Jr. Everybody. Here we go. Kendall Jr. So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva. Many hands. So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents. Something too crazy. Just something where the dude might perhaps have his cock out. That's mainly from my mom's reaction, though, because, you know, she'll be looking for my dad, like, honey, is that. Is that real? My dad's like, don't worry, baby. He just fluffed that shit up. It's what they do. My dad has a small penis, apparently, which means I got mine from my mom. I've been thinking about if they made a gay porn parody of Men in Black, but then just called it Men in Black Men. All right, thank you. There you go. Kendall junior. Wow. T. Madness with. With the bass riff, that says it all. Kendall, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? This is a million dollar question here. One year. One year. Okay. Yeah, last October. Yeah. Okay. You work hard at it. Do you do it, like, a few Times a week? Yeah. Yeah. Like every week, like two to four. How many times have you signed up for this show? Show five. This is my fifth time. And. And then your first time on the show, correct? Yes. Yes. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm disabled. I don't. What. How. What's disabled about you? I have. I had, like, bad back surgeries, like, since I was 18, so. Why. What was wrong with your back? I had kyphosis and scoliosis, so they had to do the spinal fusion, like, top to bottom type of thing. It kind of. He has a little. It's a lot. Okay, but you. You're on disability. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It gives me a unique opportunity to kind of dive into. I had a. Like. Yeah, pretty. A lot to talk about. What do you mean? Oh, like, in comedy, I feel like there's a lot of, like, material. Like, I used to be, like, a fat heroin addict because of it. Oh, not because of it, but the heroin was sort of from the. So, like, there's a lot of material. Sure. How did you stumble into heroin? How to. Well, it was. Well, like, prescriptions, over prescribing, and it feels really good. And then you're like, well, I have a bad back. I could just kind of, you know. But no, it. So it started as a pain pill addiction. Yeah. Pain pill addiction. You kind of. And then it got out of control. It got out of control. You know, someone's like, hey, this was like, 25th. Yeah. Yeah. Try this. Yeah. Who recommended heroin to you? A buddy of mine is a good friend. He's dead now. How did he die? No, I think he's. His soul died long ago. He's. These guys know. Knows what I'm talking about. Sorry. All right. No, he's still out there. I don't know, man. A couple of people have died. Yeah. But, you know, neither here nor there. I got out. I'm seven years. Clean field. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That felt better than heroin. I'll say. I'll say that. Wow. When the doctor put you out for your back surgery, was he like, you'll be right back. Pointing to your back. So easy. Is it pointing. Pointing to the back. You'll be right back. You see what I'm trying to. All right. It's not easy. It's not easy doing back jokes. You'll be right back? Well, I kind of was, like, four hours later, I had to do emergency surgery. So he was like, yeah, you'll be right back. Your arms are big. Is that from. Because you used to Be fat. It looks like a little bit of both. I've like, exercise, you know, diet and exercise take you along. You're like built like Popeye or something like that. You have an interesting build. You have like a. Thank you. Small head for your big frame. Yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah. Okay. We're working on it. Slowly. It used to be rounder, you know, they had to like roll me around. Were you. You from. I'm getting like a. West Virginia. Virginia vibes. Somewhere around there. Houston. Oh, yeah. The West Virginia of Texas. Perfect. That's funny. That's good. Okay, so disability all the way. You don't make money anyway. You don't have a gambling problem or. No, I try to stay away from. This is the only adrenaline type of, you know, wise is. How old are you? 34. What's your love life like? I have a girlfriend. She's kind. She's really. Yeah, it's awesome. Oh, she's kind. Yeah. Wow. Nothing gets me quite as excited as kindness. Yeah, no, no, she's. Yeah, yeah. I have a. Yeah. On a scale of 1 to 10, how kind is she? Great question, Ian. Spinal tap. Spinal tap. It goes to 11. You know, it goes. All right, so what's the scale? Oh, she used to be heavy. She used to be heavier. But no, she's like, like, did you guys. Did you guys lose weight together? No, no, no, no. This is a. I met. I met her a few months back. Are you on heroin now? No, no. How heavy were you? At one point? I. I was almost 360. I say 355. Wow. I know. I say three, cuz it's like, you know, I'm on my fat week. I'm a little fluffy this week. I'm like, gotcha. So you were 360? What was she. At one point she was, I think, like 260. She's like way over. Like, she's well under that now. But I didn't. I didn't meet her then, so I would. I would have been. No. Wow. No, I know what it takes. I know what it takes to get out of the gutter. Yeah. Do you guys sometimes get your loose skin tangled up with each other? Hers. Hers is. No, no, it's. No, it's good. I'm just kidding. All right, Kendall, before I let you go, Craziest thing about you or your life? Life. Craziest thing. I once myself walking into an HEB while trying to drop off prescriptions for opiates, and then it's. I had to continue dropping it off. And, like, it was just. Yeah. I had boots on, though, and jeans. So it was now. Was the now. Was it because you knew you were about to get the opiates? Like, you get excited to the doctor already? Oh, no, it was like. It was a hard opiate. It was Opana. I suggest they've stopped it. It was stronger than heroin. So, like, it led me to you. Kind of like I was like, oh, heroin. This is it. So it, like, relaxed your sphincter, and that's why you should say that. You could say that. Well, I mean, I could say that. I did say that. But I'm asking you say that. Was it because of the prescription or. It's the withdrawals, you know, the withdrawals just, like, make everything. It was like diarrhea. Plus, you're probably relaxed. Yeah, yeah. But then you're, like, uptight, so it's like, you know. Wow. Sounds like a red band. A red band bit on a Thursday night at the secret show. Diarrhea mixed with. All right, well, what's the. Can I ask one thing? Heroin is like when you do it. It's not like weed, where you're like, let's play Xbox. Like, you do heroin and, like, what's the go to activity? I've cleaned before, you know, it's like one of those things where it's like, after a while, it gives you energy, it makes you normal, but at first, you're just like, I want to, like, put on a film or something, you know? What, Film two? No, I. I used to. I used to like putting on Rushmore, like, Bottle Rocket or something stupid. But you look like me if I started doing heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't. Yeah, well, don't tell me how to live my life, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Kendall, you did it. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Kendall junior, Ladies and gentlemen. Well, what an episode it's been. Who can forget Martin Phillips? Amazing opening. And then a lot of fat military people. And then the darkest man in the history of the show, Muhammad, you all. Derek Flynn, Stevie One Leg Wonder. So much happened. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever on this show, most interviews ever on this show. The reigning defending super regular of Kiltoni. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler, The Prince of Pancakes. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. Hey, Red band. I'm still thinking about your fat ass kicking your leg up Bitch. Just in case anybody was wondering, I still haven't heard back from medical school yet. So I'm coming out to Smokey in the Bandit remake. But the truckers are all wearing turbines and sideswiping minivans and gutting illegal u turns going 75 miles an hour. Hey, Red Band, I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. I'm wondering, did it hurt when they put the tube in your nose? What if instead of planet Earth, we watched planet Jupiter? Dude, that would have been such a long show. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow. William Montgomery Green gracing us with not one, but two Red Band jokes. Dude, tonight I couldn't believe his crazy ass. I can't believe you were able to do that Red Band kick your head. Well, he wasn't. Yeah, he tore his belly button at one point. What? Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what Red Band's belly button must look like? What do you think that looks like, William? If you think it probably has a bunch of purpley veins in the inside once you get through the hair on the inside. Because I've seen his ass naked many times. I believe Bubba Fett fell into it in episode three of Star wars in Return of the Jedi. The. The. What is that? The snorlax? What is it? The Sarlacc pit? Sarlacc. That's what many people describe his belly button like, which is now torn. William, let's talk about it. You are two weeks out of being super viral now. The world is talking about it. I basically think it's a. A lot of people. And it was. It was heavily talked about at Skank Fest. You were talked about. What did people say? Everybody, everybody there, every comedian there thinks it is the funniest thing they've ever seen in their entire life. They think that's the way to enjoy William Montgomery. People are saying the comedians are like, that's a brilliant special. Is do your stuff in front of a hip, alt, you know, audience that's literally there to see something else. I heard it compared to somebody there said that. It was like, oh, God. What was. Was like if tool opened up for pink, somebody said something like that. And it makes perfect sense sense because you just are totally different. You're a different type of thing. It was the right thing. Yeah. At the beginning, Tony was kind of hurting my feelings, but I've been good. I don't really look at really look at anything because it doesn't really matter. But I start thinking about it, Tony. I'm thinking, well, what is the prop. So what if I do comedy? I'm not allowed to bomb people. Just never bomb. I just. That's. That's all I didn't understand. And then that's confused. That confused me. Just because. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Bomb William. That audience. Bomb. You didn't bomb William. God. Redband. Seriously, you're the last person I want to hear anything nice from, you dumbass. Seriously, you're the last idiot I want to hear anything from right now. I'm not feeling real great right now, just generally speaking, so I don't really want to hear you right now. Seriously. Seriously. Kind of been feeling down today, so. Seriously, I don't want to hear you again. Again. Thank you. Thank you, though. Thank you. He's very grateful. I think you mean well. I think you mean well. Wow. I love it. But, yeah, Tony, I ended up doing a show in Jackson, Mississippi, on Thursday, and thank God it felt good. So I was able to get the other set out of my head, and then I ended up going to the Grove, to Oxford on Saturday. Ole Miss was playing Florida, and I was wearing Florida of stuff. And, Tony, I walked down this thing called the Walk of Champions, and I felt like I was back at the show where everybody was booing me so bad. It was horrible. I guess all the fraternity people are lining up on each side of the fence, and they're all screaming, and they were all screaming at me. They were saying, oh, you spent money on those clothes. They kept on saying stuff like that. They were talking about my mom. Yeah, the spending money on the clothes. That hurt me for some reason. They were just screaming at me. And then this one guy. One guy recognized me, and we shake hands in the midst of all of this chaos. And then the guy next to him, he also goes out to shake my hand, and then he pulls his hand up, and they all laugh real. And I'm thinking, okay, I just got to keep moving forward through this fucking horrible situation. I felt literally like a Jewish person going to a. Say it, say it, say it. But no, I mean, that's really what I. I was thinking. Like, he's like the one buddy I see in the crowd, and he's, like, helping me kind of, but then he can't because everybody else hates me. Wow. This guy knows what I'm talking about right now. That them, dude. First of all, I saw that clip. It made me so happy because I adore you. And you were so. You stayed in the pocket. You stayed. You. You committed. You powered through. And, yeah, you don't get better when you crush all the time. But, you know, just that odd audience didn't pick up on it. It's their fault. Yeah. That I don't give this. You know how many people you bring joy to all the time? Yeah. I don't give a. Oh, you hurt. You hurt yourself. No. Oh. So what else you been doing this week? You wrote a new Smokey and the Bandit joke in between two red band jokes. Yes, the dad wrote. Dad, where do you at? What makes you write a Smokey and the Bandit joke? I watched Smokey and the Bandit this past week down in Mississippi. Oh. And I was. And then. Yeah. And then I'm thinking, okay, let's make it. Let's. It's for the people. Let's think turbans. Just turban. Just saying people with turbans I think is funny. And I was like, okay, what's something dangerous you do in a car? Okay. Sideswiping people 75 miles an hour or stuff like that? So that's the process. Yeah. Yeah. Just smoking a bunch of weed. Is there anything that you like to snack on when you're writing? Snack on or drink? Well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks now, Tony. I think that's why today I was feeling a little down and red band. Don't shake your head. Yes at that. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. Seriously, don't even look at me right now. I've been feeling down today. I'm not even kidding. Don't look at me right now. But, yeah, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks, so I got to get back on that. Oh, he's eating his glasses right now. He's got edible. Edible. Oh, Jesus. Red band. Okay. It's kind of like my dick and his mom's mouth the other night. This kind of slap seems. So. Yeah. She's so old, so it's just kind of slob at her. Wow. What else does his mom do when you're with her? I'm kidding. That was mean. No. Okay. All right. Reb is going to go to me crying after this. That's all. I'm like a little. That's why I. I thought I'd get off on him on that one. He's going to cry about that one after. You think so? William, you're so funny. Oh, my God. I love it. I just love it. Do you have any other big crazy gigs planned? You perhaps opening up for a church choir at Some point in the near future? Anything like that? Any big paydays coming up? You opening up for perhaps the. At the school for the deaf or something? Oklahoma City. I'll be in Oklahoma City, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in middle of December. Then I gotta figure out stuff for next year. And there. There's stuff going on there, right? Oh, like a bunch of. Just different stuff going on. What kind of stuff is going on? Stress today. What? Are you stressed? I'm not talking about it right now. Oh, boy. Really? Yeah. Yeah. No way. No way, no way. There's no. Just no way. Yeah. Kind of big things going on. You have great ducks on your shirt. Thank you so much. Where do you get a shirt like this is ebay. Ebay? Yeah. You get a lot of stuff off ebay? Yeah. Recently I've been getting a bunch of oriental rocks off ebay. Wow. What else you been getting off ebay? Mainly just oriental rugs, Tony. Wow. Wow. How many oriental rugs have you gotten? 15. Wow. What are you doing with all these rugs? Yeah, I'm going through it right now, Tony. I'm real sad. So I've just been getting oriental rugs off of ebay. Like really cool looking ones. Like, they're. They look very cool. Like I'm proud of. I feel good about them, but every now and again they'll smell. I open them up out of the package and they smell like mildew or something. And I just think, God, I'm gonna jump off of the big building tonight. Wow. This is a sign. Wow. And what's. Explain to the audience what the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug is. Do they come. Did they. Did they perhaps come with a little seasoning packet in the box or something like the ramen noodles do? What's the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug? You're. You're the master of it. You've bought 15 of them, according to you. So it should be a pretty easy question. Is it the design? Is it. Do they come with. Tony, That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know. Wow. Just a look thing. It's a touch thing. I get them shipped to my door. Oh, and by the way, just recently, this is a little thing I want to get off my chest. Whoever the pieces are of who's working at FedEx, who refuses to walk up my steps, you have to walk up to get to my apartment. You're a dumbass. Literally, today I was getting something delivered to the apartment and the person just takes a picture from the outside. Somebody with me. That's what I. I've been getting real paranoid, Tony. I'm thinking, oh, they see my name on here. They heard about the horrible sud. Oh, they refused to take my packages up to my place. I swear to God, that's where I'm at right now. Have you thought about getting another escalator? No, no, no. Why? People get on fights on them. Oh, they do? Yeah. That's a thing? Yes. Adam. Ray, you said you had. You have 15 oriental rugs. Yes, but I'm. I'm. I'm figuring it out. I don't think I'm going to ultimately end up with 15. Do you. Do they pad. Tie the room together or does it. Okay. All right. Right. Not everything's going to crush tonight. Did you. Did you buy them, like, for a specific reason, or was it just out of, like, boredom? Like a boredom purchase? Oh, it's just some. It's a hardware. I'm. I'm working with hardwood floors, and I have to. I'm getting rugs. Yeah, it's been fun. I spend hours just looking at the pictures and reading different stuff. Then I look back at the pictures, and then I look at the dimensions, and then I go measure stuff for three hours. Then it seems very inefficient, but. But it's kind of fun. Wow. Amazing. William, is there anything else you want to say to these people before? Yeah, it's been real weird recently, Tony. It's a lot of measuring. I'm not even kidding. What are you measuring? Do you have a. You have a tape measure? Yes. And you use. You have a little tiny one? Yeah, it's a little small one. So I have to make little marks on the floor. When I'm doing, like, 15ft, I have to make, like 15 different marks. It's like a foot long. Wow. And that's stupid? Kind of. Yeah. That's crazy. So, like, making a carpet out of all the rugs. Yeah, making one big carpet and I'm just putting them all on top of each other. You'll love it, Tony. You'll come see it. I can't wait to see your compilation of oriental rugs. Is there anything else you're passionate about this week? Our rugs. Okay with being called oriental or is that cool? Yeah, yeah, that's what they are. Oriental rugs. Yeah. Yeah. Just checking. I don't know. Now I'm thinking maybe some of the people at that show a couple weeks ago, they would hear me say oriental rugs, and they wouldn't even, like, that and I'd be. It's like, I mean nothing. I mean nothing by it. And that's all gonna be, oh, he's saying oriental. And I think you're right. I don't know what my mom sees in him. Like, really. Like, I just. I just don't understand. Like, I ask her all the time, like, mom, what? What Are you okay? Thank you. Tony, make some notes for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it. That's another episode. Thank you to Blue Chew and Quo. Adam Ray's new special new theater tour. Who who is Me? Is happening. Tickets are on sale @adam ray comedy.com the Final Dr. Phil Live from the one and only. What is it? The Wiltern theater. That's right. December 16th. That's the final Dr. Phil show. I mean, it is an absolute blowout. I would be able to make it there, but it's on a Monday, on a Tuesday. But I have the Monday thing. It's crazy. Ian Edwards new special untitled is out now. Check out Ian Edwards stand up on YouTube. That's Ian Edwards. Stand up one more time for the best stand band in the land, Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip atx.com secret show every Thursday. We love you guys. Your last chance to get tickets for the one and only movie Moody Center New Year's Eve. All you people that say, I try to get tickets, it's your only chance. New Year's Eve live from the Moody Center. It's gonna be a hell of a blowout. Way to end 2025 live audience. Thank you so much. 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