#747 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + NICK ROCHEFORT

Summary

Podcast Summary: Kill Tony #747 – HARLAND WILLIAMS + NICK ROCHEFORT

Date: December 9, 2025
Recorded Live at the Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Harland Williams, Nick Rochefort
Band: Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muling, John Dees, D-Madness

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Overview

This episode of Kill Tony brings together legendary comedian Harland Williams, returning to much fanfare as the reigning Guest of the Year, and Nick Rochefort, making his first appearance. With a lively crowd, a full band, and the usual chaos of comedians pulled from the bucket, the episode is a wild ride of offbeat interviews, unpredictable stand-up, and classic Kill Tony roasts. The recurring themes are resilience, the often-surreal world of open-mic comedy, and the fine art of comedic improvisation.

“This is one of those nights where you get a little bit of both: a first-time guest who I think is funny as shit, and an absolute legend.”
— Tony Hinchcliffe [04:59]

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Guest Introductions & Banter (04:38–07:24)

• Harland Williams opens with a quirky anecdote about leaving a "seven-layer lasagna in the oven," leading to riffing about lasagna layers and comparing them to space shuttle tiles.
• Nick Rochefort’s dry, absurd humor debuts (“Space is fake. But I know.”), hinting at his offbeat comedic persona.

Memorable quote:

Harland: “I did a 14 layer lasagna. I cut it up the same size as the space tile, stuck them all over my Corvette Stingray, and I won. 102 through Bakersfield.” [07:06]

2. Explaining Show Mechanics for New Guests (07:51–08:44)

• Tony explains the Kill Tony process to Nick: random comedians get one minute, then a panel interview ensues.
• The energy is playful and anticipatory, with Tony teasing the unpredictability of the bucket.

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Featured Comedians & Panel Interaction

3. Danny Martinello – Bathtime Masculinity (08:44–15:33)

• Canadian comedian Danny riffs on being told “taking a bath makes me feminine,” and riffs further into bath-time foods, accidental nudity on social media, and childhood Adderall abuse.
• Panel riffing: Harland and Tony joke about “the penis gasping for air like a koi fish” [11:53], and share wild stories about Danny’s rumored Adderall dealing as a kid.
• Standout: Harland’s relentless riffing on bath-time anatomy and Danny’s energy.

4. Matthew Coffin – Parking Lot Service Dog Life (16:20–21:40)

• Jokes about "Operation Midnight Hammer" and turning into "an old black lady in winter".
• Reveals he brings his dog Lucius Fox everywhere, and that the dog is his “service animal,” resulting in a bizarre, uncomfortable Q&A about the authenticity of his need.
• The panel expresses disbelief at Matthew’s eccentric lifestyle and comedic delivery.

Notable roast:

Tony: “Is there anything that you do without the dog? …This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen.” [20:00]

5. A Fender – From Homelessness to Pot Growing (25:07–33:39)

• Jokes about Southern stereotypes, moving via short bus, and recently landing an apartment after homelessness.
• Shares pride in being a “pot grower” and details about surviving homelessness (“They take shits in the street... you gotta be respectable… put it in a bag, take it far from the Mothership.” [29:00]).
• Tony and Harland riff on homeless hygiene hacks. Panel probes about Offender’s tattoos, love life, and success in comedy.

6. Emo Ma – Black Rooms and Global Comedy (34:18–44:49)

• South Sudanese-Australian Emomajak delivers sharp cultural jokes about race and moving from Sudan to Australia as a refugee.
• Harland offers playful, awkward commentary about Emo’s dark complexion. Emo discusses Australia’s racism, comedy scenes in various cultures, and his Indian-Canadian fiancée.
• Affable, well-received, and considered a “great interview” by Tony and Harland.

Notable exchange:

Tony: “What’s the most racist thing that’s ever happened to you?”
Emo: “Someone tried to rub it off in Bali.” [40:00]

7. Ashley Ann – The Ex Files (47:07–52:56)

• Ashley jokes about dating a bisexual ex, threesomes gone wrong, and her ex’s criminal past.
• Shares a turbulent personal life: her ex is in/out of prison for DUI and armed robbery, and she's now engaged to a legally blind man she met at karaoke.
• The panel ridicules her ambiguous storytelling and tumultuous relationships.

Classic roast:

Tony: “This is perhaps one of the craziest ex-girlfriends we’ve ever had on this show. Wow. Revenge is sweet — 13 years she’s been plotting.” [48:13]

8. Ari Matty – Movie Titles & Ethnic Comedy (53:34–64:43)

• As a Kill Tony regular, Ari delivers a polished set imagining how American movies play overseas ("Taken in Albania is called Normal Business"), lampooning Denzel Washington action films, and sharing stories from Estonia.
• The panel and crowd are engaged, often letting Ari’s narrative flow for longer than usual.
• Jokes about Halloween in the US and differences between Estonians and Russians.

Harland riff:

Harland: “One are murderer and raping empire, and the other are really nice, intelligent, beautiful people.” [58:21]

9. Doc – Divorce, Trauma, & Medical Mishaps (73:18–84:21)

• Doc delivers a grizzled set moaning about ex-wives, daughters, and the “bullshit” he’s endured. His material is crass and cathartic, centering on trauma and jadedness.
• Interview reveals wild stories of controlling spouses, Craigslist infidelity, and a traumatic urology experience.
• Harland and Tony poke fun and express awe at Doc’s “unfuckable energy”.

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Strong Bucket Sets & Standout Interviews

10. Jack McWilliams – Stability Amidst Chaos (85:45–95:27)

• A comedian’s comedian, Jack’s set on sexual innuendo and product placement is tight, clever, and lands well.
• Shares 10 years in standup, work as a golf caddy, and hope to be hired as a club doorman.
• Extended riff about Texas’ beloved H-E-B grocery chain, with Tony, Redban, and Harland effusing over its products.

Quote:

Tony: “You have to understand, it’s real and it’s an anomaly…our grocery stores, our gas stations, our tax breaks—so many things are better here in Texas.” [93:39]

11. Paula – Audience Wildcard (95:59–104:06)

• First-timer Paula struggles through a set about synchronized swimming and white underwear, but her interview takes a surreal turn — she reveals her uncle was killed by the mob and she was once on the Steve Harvey show.
• The panel roasts her for her “Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction after the overdose” vibe, and Harland debuts a child-catcher impression.

12. Jenny Ann – Nerddom & Dating (104:06–111:23)

• Jenny Ann’s set riffs on being a “nerd emoji”, Hot or Not, and dating apps. The panel deems it dull and attempts to prod for a “most interesting fact,” but get little in return beyond anecdotes about selling a Mustang and brief shoe modeling.
• Tony invokes the policy of a “year’s break” for lackluster performers.

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Regular Closer:

13. William Montgomery – Absurd, Awkward, and Relatable (113:10–122:57)

• William’s set is classic deadpan absurdism: jokes about Kevlar, ChatGPT replacing Redban, and Donnie Darko.
• In the interview, William details his depressive funk, eBay lamp obsession, birds crashing into his windows, and a failed attempt to cry on cue.
• Exchanges between William, Tony, and Nick Rochefort play up the show’s unfiltered and unpredictable spirit.

Quote:

Tony: “Do you think there’s any correlation between what is being considered, you know, a very viral moment for you and all of these things? Birds flying into your windows, owls, all these..” [121:42]

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Notable Quotes & Callback Moments

• “The penis does float and the little hole in the tip gasps for air like a koi fish.” — Harland Williams [11:53]
• “I’m a caddy so I go like six months at a time. …I was just passed on another callback to be a door guy here literally tonight”—Jack McWilliams [88:04]
• “She put her [profile] on Craigslist personals. And she was dating a lot; usually five to seven guys at a time. …Good luck finding a romantic gangbang, bitch.”—Doc [77:01]
• “We all have different gradients and shades of skin. Black people, white people, Asian people.”—Harland Williams, riffing on Emo Ma, [36:19]
• “I keep deposit, look, scratches, I have evidence, no scratch here before, I have picture. …Photoshop is free—and so are we.”—Ari Matty on seeing Jewish tourists in Cozumel [62:12]
• “Texas: our grocery stores, our gas stations, our tax breaks, our booming economy. So many things are better here.”—Tony Hinchcliffe [93:39]

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Important Timestamps & Segments

| Segment | Timestamp (MM:SS) | |--------------------------------------------|----------------------| | Guest Introductions & Lasagna Riff | 04:38 – 07:24 | | Danny Martinello Set & Interview | 08:44 – 15:33 | | Matthew Coffin Set & Interview | 16:20 – 21:40 | | A Fender Set & Homelessness Stories | 25:07 – 33:39 | | Emo Ma (Emojak) Set & Global Comedy | 34:18 – 44:49 | | Ashley Ann & Relationship Mayhem | 47:07 – 52:56 | | Ari Matty Extended Set & Movie Jokes | 53:34 – 64:43 | | Doc – Divorce Trauma & Urology Riff | 73:18 – 84:21 | | Jack McWilliams – Comedy & H-E-B Riff | 85:45 – 95:27 | | Paula – Audience Wildcard Interview | 95:59 – 104:06 | | Jenny Ann – Nerd Jokes & Roasting | 104:06 – 111:23 | | William Montgomery – Closing Set/Interview | 113:10 – 122:57 |

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Tone & Atmosphere

• Chaotic, irreverent, and gleefully confrontational.
• Harland’s surrealism pairs well with Nick Rochefort’s deadpan and Tony’s fast, razor-edged roasting.
• The show oscillates between supportive mentorship for up-and-coming comics and full-throttle comedic takedowns.

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Final Thoughts

This episode encapsulates Kill Tony at its best: a parade of wild characters, heartfelt struggles, and razor-sharp comedic banter. Harland Williams shines with offbeat riffs, newcomer Nick Rochefort holds his own, and regulars like Ari Matty and William Montgomery provide standout comedic moments. Amidst the chaos, the show demonstrates real opportunities for aspiring comics—and unfiltered, unpredictable entertainment for the fans.

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Find More

• Harland Williams: The Harland Highway Podcast, upcoming “Commzilla” theater tour, film “Wingman” in 2026.
• Nick Rochefort: Scuffed Real Tour (shamonicshouse.com), antique store on Instagram @chamonixhouse.
• House Band, Secret Shows, and Door Guy spots: Follow @KillTony and the Comedy Mothership for updates.

Listen on DeathSquad.TV or wherever you get your podcasts.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman. Coming you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock.

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh?

Makes a nice little Brian Red band, ladies and gentlemen.

And the best damn band in the land. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muling, John Dees. And that is D Madness. Live in the flesh, lad. And gentlemen, this is indeed Kill Tony, the number one podcast live podcast in the world, brought to you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. You guys ready for a good fucking time tonight? Good looking crowd we got. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. All right, y', all gather round because Monet X change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students, get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it, Monet X changed in the library. Uploading picture of my music theory homework. Like Gemini, please help a diva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback. Instead of crying in the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the goods. Sign up to get more access to Google's Most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro. Unlimited image uploads, pro level image editing, higher limits in NotebookLM, Gemini in Gmail and Docs. Two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me, two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warmup, drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plants. Visit Gemini Google students to Learn more and sign up terms apply. Limu Emu and Doug. Here we have the Limu emu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Ferry Unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance company and affiliates excludes Massachusetts.

Kids, they grow up so fast. One day they're taking their first steps and the next they don't fit into the tiny sneakers they took them in. You blink your eyes and their princess dress is two sizes too small. And their dinosaur backpack isn't cool anymore. But don't cry because they're growing up. Smile because you can profit off of it for real. There are a bunch of parents on Depop looking for the stuff your kid just grew out of. Download Depop to start selling.

She's wide awake in her whiskey hole.

You guys ready start this show or what, huh?

Every single week I have two of the best comedians in the world on this show. Now this, this is a fun one. This is a little chemist set for you because sometimes I take great pride in introducing some of the top rising comedians in the world on this panel. We were one of the first shows ever to show you.

You know, Tim Dillon coming up and Shane Gillis coming up many, many years ago. This is one of those nights where you get a little bit of both. You get one of the. The first time guests who I think is funny as and you have an ABSO legend. In fact, he is the reigning defending 2024 guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, your two guests tonight are Harland Williams and Nick Rochefort.

Yeah.

Oh my God, there he is. Harlan Williams. Nick Rochefor.

Harland is back. Ladies and gentlemen of the Harland Highway, Nick Rochefort is on the scuffed Real tour. Welcome, Nick. Holy. How exciting. Harland Williams, buddy. I am. I gotta say, I'm a little anxiety ridden tonight. I rushed out of the house and I don't know, mostly the women might relate to this one, but.

I don't like to come up here nervous or out of sorts. But I'm gonna be honest, I left a seven layer lasagna in the oven.

Well, if you're gonna laugh. Seven layers. What are the different layers? Well, let's not be nosy.

The highest I've done is a 12. And this was back during the. Do you remember the space shuttle era? Yeah. And they used, and they used to put those. They used to put the space tiles on the space shuttle. Do you remember that? And they deflected the heat and they allowed the space shuttle to ease back into Earth. And kind of like what you do to your wife, sir. Yeah. And what I used to do, Tony.

Daddy likes to drive fast. And so what I do, I did a 14 layer lasagna. I cut it up the same size as the space tile, stuck them all over my Corvette Stingray and I won. 102 through Bakersfield.

Wow.

That is amazing. Nick Rochefort is here. Ladies and gentlemen, the debut of Nick Rochefort in the kill Tony universe. How we doing, Nick? I made an eight layer lasagna. Here's the thing about space. I worked on the Space is fake. But I know.

We'Re gonna have some fun here tonight.

Nick's first time on the show. Nick, you might not know, but over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If it happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I'm going to let this convict on the run. Pick the first name.

Very exciting. He dug in there a little bit. He pulled one out. Very, very exciting. And like that we go wrangle that comedian who has no idea that they just got selected. They're over there, it's dark, it's gloomy. At Shakespeare's next door, people are, there's a little water cooler. They keep refilling their little plastic cups. Some of them are drinking. They have a deal with what is a vodka soda pitcher for like doll.

Them are like, ah, I'm not getting pulled. And they just start getting drunk over there. We have a DUI breathalyzer to check them in case they get too up. Anything can happen. We crush dreams here and we make superstars all the time. Anything can happen. Let's start the show. Your first comedian, he's from Canada. He's a very, very energized young bunny rabbit. Makes some noise for the return of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

Recently I was told taking a bath makes me feminine. And if having a bath makes me feminine, then tuck my nuts and call me Danielle. Cause I do not give a fuck. You know how many times I've seen you girls take those bathtub photos with your foot underneath the faucet and like a half a Glass of chardonnay in the corner. Mind you, it's a full bottle, eh? And then the little motivational quote of like, live your best life, queen. Be who you're supposed to be. Like, I want to have that so bad. I saw a girl have a chartreuse tray in the back of her bathtub. I'm like, why can't I have a bruschetta and a bath bomb as a bro, you know? Like, I already take a shit and I eat a parfait. I might as well have a meat and cheese spread while I bathe. I'd have to make it more manly though, right? I'd have to have a half crushed Modelo can in the corner. And instead of a chartreuse tray though, just a floating zen puck in the background, you know? But I fear if I took that photo, one of my buddies would just zoom in on the stainless steel faucet, catch my dick just floating right in the middle of the tub. That's what it does. I'm not gonna lie. It's just a buoy sitting in the middle of the lake. Flaccid, just chilling, you know? Cuz that's what I do whenever I see you girls take those photos. I'm zooming, dude, to the point where I can't zoom no more. And then I just take a screenshot and zoom in an extra little bit.

Just to see if I can catch a dorsal fin underneath the water. Thank you, guys. I'm a Danny Marnello, Danny Martinello, representing Canada here tonight. Let me ask you a question, Danny. Yeah. Have you ever heard anyone else. Have you only read the word charcuterie? Ah. Have you ever talked with anyone about chart chutery? Have you run that by anybody? Honest, like, I don't even really know how to read, dude.

Have you ever just sound it out. Have you ever spoken with anybody about charcuterie? Yeah, usually I'm like, can I just have some extra cheese and then like meats and stuff on it? But no, it's charcuterie. Right. So you're doing it on purpose. Well, you guys figured it out, right? No, we. We thought you were for a second. No, I mean, it ain't no difference than any of the day, Tony. You always think I'm retarded. The way you say it, bro, it sounds like a bowel disease, honestly. Yeah. And if I can just. The floating penis thing, I mean, I think there's something you really forgot that we gotta add. And most you might not know this, but the penis does float and the little Hole in the tip. Gasps for air like a koi fish.

So if you throw fish food in a man's bath, you'll eat it all up. And for you ladies, let's be honest, you're just drowning a corned beef sandwich when you take a bath. That is true. That is true. So you've been enjoying baths? This is all real? Yeah, I've been trying to, like, just relax and stuff. And I sit in the bath. I like the shower anyway, so I was like, I might as well just fill it up.

You have roommates?

No, not really. No. Not really. No. I have a roommate, but he lives in Canada and then he only comes like a couple times a year. So, like, I'm kind of like just living on my own, which is pretty sick.

Yeah, I miss him so much and I wish he would show. All right, Dan, I thought you guys would have fun with that, but Wacky don't really gave a. He thought I was going to jump on and do a five star frog splash on the table. Okay, Danny, what kind of Adderall are you on exactly? Canadian, Mexican, severely over diagnosed and undermedicated. I don't. I don't do any of that stuff because I feel like it takes away from my spirit. Wow. So you've tried it? You've tried it? Yeah, I was. I was forced to take Ritalin in grade four through seven in. And you felt like it affected your creativity in grades four through seven? Yes, I was. I was a. I was a stunted artist in that year and. And it took away my shine. And my mom said he's just a difficult spirit. You should be able to handle him as a teacher. But Edmonton public school board made me like, take Ritalin if I wanted to stay in Edmonton. So this riddle in your talk, you said you took it daily? Yeah, I had to take it at lunch. How many cases a day did you take? Just one pill. And it was funny. Like they lined us up like little lab rats and we'd have to go check in at the office and go. And then. But. But I didn't take. I'd put it under, like in the pocket. And then I would give it to this kid named Jamie Anderson and I'd watch him snort it in the urinal. Wow. In grade five, it was pretty sick. You were like a riddle and PEZ machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just. And then it would come. Well, that's a cunnilingus machine right there.

Yeah. Are you shooting them into your girl's vulva? Yeah, from afar. Like. Like A Thai ping pong. Let's see. Can you do that with your mouth again?

Yeah, yeah. I don't know why two men want nervously open my mouth like that, but here we are. That's a Pez vulva right there. Very scary. Danny, what else is going on in your life? Anything else? Nothing much. I came back from. I went to Mexico for wedding, which was pretty fun, except for I got Monuma's revenge. What. What exactly is that? Describe that to the people. It's where you just basically through a badminton racket for five days. So, yeah, I had travelers. Diarrhea was pretty good. You drink the water like Charlotte from Sex in the City? Yeah, we got a little bit up and an ice cube took me out.

Wow. You know, you're tough. Hey, you just get a slushy drink and you're like.

But it was pretty good. I mean, yeah, I enjoyed it. It was fun. You enjoyed the diarrhea in Mexico? Yeah. So I was hitting the buffet a little too big. And then. So then I. By the end of it, I was like, so Canadian, right? Oh, I was hitting a buffet too big. Yeah. What you. Well, you know, right? You like just. You just gorge yourself at it, right? Because it's like. You're like, it. You're like a Roman and you're like, I'm gonna eat. Don't look at the Mexicans like that. What are you turning around for? You're spinning around now, Immigrant to another. I don't know. This is the safest place over here besides Harland Eyes. I'm looking at Tony and then he's like, oh, no, something's going to come. I don't trust you, dude. I don't know what's up, but I shouldn't, pal. You're fucking damn right you shouldn't.

Danny. Yeah, no, I was all right, and it was good. And then I. There's. Yeah, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm talking too much right now. Perfect. Danny, congratulations. You started the show with a minute. Thanks, guys. There he goes. Back to Canada he goes. Danny Martinello, everybody. This is where things get interesting because we are going to the bucket. Our first time tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet human beings all together. This is the bread and butter of the show. People can become stars out of this bucket. They can blow it. The pressure can get to them. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket bowl of the night is Matthew Coffin. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

So, of course, Trump would call an operation that requires massive Missiles to deeply penetrate a mountain, to destroy a nuclear facility. Operation Midnight Hammer. Which I don't even feel creative saying it at all, because I'm sure me, just like millions of other people, all thought the same thing. And that's the perfect name for a black porn star. I mean, come on. Coming tonight, Midnight Hammer. But anyways, just for the proof, he's our dick. Anyways.

The older I get, I feel like the more I'm turning into an old black lady. Especially during the wintertime, I always feel like I need a little afghan or a little shawl around my shoulder. And I'm always saying, lord have mercy.

For some reason, my cell phone thinks that my nuts stink and I beat my dog. And I don't know how. I mean, I don't know why my phone thinks my nuts stink. It's that, like, the phone has a nose or anything. And I don't talk about that stuff or anything, but it thinks I beat my dog. I get these little alerts on my phone that says, don't abuse your animal. There's other ways to discipline it. And it's because I sing to him and say stupid shit like, oh, my God. Holy shit. Holy shit. Matthew, I was just going to say check in with Nick Grocer for. That's one suicidal Pomeranian right there, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, yeah. Saddest dog that's ever lived.

That poor dog. Just walking around. Not even walking around. Probably dying to run away right now. He's happy you stopped talking. Yeah, I thought it was a cat, to be honest.

A suitcase cat. It's got a fucking handle. The dog is the most interesting part of your entire set. You really just, like. Do you practice this, Matthew? Do you, like, try? Yeah, it's been a really busy week.

I haven't actually been on stage in about three weeks because I've been busy. Work, working. What have you been doing for work work between over here? Like I told you last time, I've been working over at the strip club. Now to work in a parking lot. You're working the parking lot at the strip club? What exactly are you doing in the parking lot? Would you like general parking or vip? And that's what you do mostly, and try to direct Uber drivers that don't speak English where to go in the right way and stuff like that. It's fun, right? And do you have your dog with you when you're doing that? Nope. He hangs out by the car and he's got his little leash attached to the inside of the car. He's got his little pillow out there and everything hangs out there with me. Okay, how long have you had this dog for? All eight years of his life. All eight years of his life. And what's the name of the dog? His name's Lucius Fox. Okay. All right. So, Matthew, that is what you would call your service animal, correct? Yeah, I had to pay the extra for it because I can't be without him. He can't be without me. It just. He can be without you. He could be with anybody else.

Ask anybody next door. And.

Have you been diagnosed with anything? Is there a reason why you have a service dog, or is that just your trick to life? Is that what makes people think you're okay? I didn't even know it was a thing like, to use service animals to get your. Not have to pay for certain things for your apartment and stuff. I had no idea. I was just like. Like I was going too late on the fish. Like, I. I can't be without him. He can't. You answered an entirely different question. I was saying I can't be without him. I have to talk to a lady to get the license and all that. So I was like, I. I can't be without him. He can't be without me. This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen. Just know these aren't like, character actors that we hire, something like that. Like, do you think you're sending the wrong message? Standing in a parking lot holding a dog in a place where you're trying to sell pussy?

Like I said, he hangs out by the car, and some people like him and say hello and stuff, and it's pretty cool. Everybody's thinking it. Do you, the dog.

Do you the dog. One of the other guys likes to call him my little furry fleshlight, but no, no. Wow. But he's not.

His bed is my bed, though. He's got an interesting story. Holy shit, dude. This is crazy.

Matthew, your sleeve isn't up his ass, is it? There's. There's. There's nothing. Nothing normal. Nothing, Abs. There's nothing normal about. Is there anything that you do without the dog? Not since I moved out here to Texas. You're just always with. Always sat on my lap all 1600 plus miles cross country to get here. Huh. And you came here to do standup comedy? Well, like I said, after I got struck in the head with that steel girder, I took that settlement money and I was like, I can't keep denying who I am. I'm a carny. I'm a clown. I have to go where everything's happening at. What makes you big swings for defense. Okay, I can't handle another second of this.

That dog is going to be leaking in 10 minutes.

Matthew, you already have a very small joke book, correct? Yes. There you go. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Coffin, everybody.

Matthew, you got to take like a year off or something. Take like a year off. Sign up in a year, absolutely, psychotically years off. How about that?

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Make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10 off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code Tony. That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechew.com for more details and safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. So remember, when you want to get hard, just type in the word Tony. All right, y', all gather round because Monet x change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monet tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students. Get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it. Monet X changed in the library. Uploading a picture of my music theory homework. Like Gemini, please help a diva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying at the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the good sign up to get more access to Google's Most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro. Unlimited image uploads, pro level image editing, higher limits in NotebookLM, Gemini in Gmail and Docs. Two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me, two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warmup, drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plants. Visit Gemini Google students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply. Oh, my God. We're all little service dogs when the lovely Heidi comes out. Am I right? How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen?

All right, let's see if this bucket pole does any better. Make some noise for a fender, everybody. Here comes a fender.

I know what you guys are thinking. My hair says California, but my voice says I'd fuck a cousin.

Being from the south is challenging. Usually doesn't take people long to accuse me being some type of no good, meth up wife, beaten racist, toothless Trump supporter. But that's not true. See, in Alabama, you can only be three of those things, because once you're four, we ship your ass to Florida.

To become a legal resident of that state. You got a fucking alligator?

They're gonna try to tell you it tastes like chicken. But I promise you this does not fuck. Like, one.

Other day, my friend said I reminded him of a young Ron White supremacist.

All right, I'll leave it there. There you go, Offender getting actual laughs this time. Believe it or not, Offender's been on this show before, and at one point, he was doing as bad as the last comedian that was on. I swear to God, believe it or not, an incredible amount of growth. Shown this set. Offender. Oh, look at Matt Muelling. He likes growth, everybody. Okay, I am a grower. So, Offender, how long have you. And what, What? A pot grower, guys? A pot grower? I'm a pot grower. You're a pot grower? Yeah. That's what you do for a living? Yeah. Okay, where do you grow it? Oregon. Oregon? Yeah. Williams, Oregon. Do you want that exact, like. No. Yeah. No, no, Offender, no. And the business is going good for you? I just, you know, I was living on my short bus for nine months, chasing this dream and comedy, huh? I left for three months. I just paid for an apartment for six months up front. Okay? Not homeless no more. I am not homeless no more. Incredible. I got a bathroom. Wow. Six months worth of bathroom.

How are you playing? Have you decorated this apartment at all, or are you treating it like it's still a bus? No, no, I decorated. So I got a medicine cabinet. Okay. A medicine cabinet. Yes. This is important. Yes. Really cool. I've never had a medicine cabinet before. Yes. Somewhere to put all of your medicine. All of my medicine. I got my rolling papers in there, my grinder above it. I got the cologne and the eye drops, which I forgot to bring right now. Sorry about that. That's not decorating, though. That just like. That comes with the apartment is your walls just like you spread poop. I got a medicine cabinet. I've done a lot of decorating. Yeah. Can I ask you something, bro? Just. I just. This is just a reaction thing. It's almost like a. Like a test when they. When they hit your knee at the doctor's office. It's a reflex thing. Okay, I'm gonna say something. I just want to. Thanks for crouching. I can still see you.

Go ahead, Harlan. I'm sorry about that. Crouching Tiger, like a giant crawdad went by in the mud. This is just like a reflex thing. I'm gonna say it. I just want to see how you react. All right, guy. I can't believe it's not bada.

All right, he was my stepdad, so that makes sense. Okay, Little Fabio reference, straight out of 1994 for you. Back when I'll never forget. I was in my bedroom playing with a lasagna and.

Offender. Tell us more about this new apartment. This is a big deal for you. A lot of. Yeah, dude. I was living amongst these homeless. These savages, dude. They take shits in the street. You gotta be respectable. You gotta put it in a bag, and then you gotta find a trash can far, far away from the mothership. Okay. I've always wanted to ask this question. I'm not trying to be a wise guy, but when. When a homeless dude or woman cracks a loaf in the street. Okay. Like when they drop a cracker barrel, Thunderloaf or Olive Garden chicken souffle, whatever you want to call it, what do you wipe with?

It's a great question. What do they wipe with? You were out there, you had a firsthand account. I'm pretty sure. Shockingly, nothing. They don't wash their hands either, so they're just walking around with the leftover in their crack? Yeah, a little. Wow, dude, I wasn't ready for that answer.

A little souffle for later. Did you ever, like, bend down? You were desperate. Maybe you had a hot date with another homeless chick the other night and you bent down backwards and wiped your crack with your golden fleecy hair. It's a great question. A great question, offender. Are you making money anyway while you're here in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir. How are you doing that comedy? You're making money. You're doing paid gigs? I do pay gigs. I bark, whatever. However, I can help any show or anybody that has an opportunity for me, I extend my offer and say, hey, I'm willing to do this. I live here for this. I mean, how often do you bark? More or less than the last comedian's dog?

Not a real question, offender. What's your love life like? You're a handsome man. Thank you. How does that work out for you now that you have your own apartment? Is that something that you're doing? You know, it's something that every man probably is thinking about, but me personally, I don't have time for it, man. You don't have time for the ladies? No, no. Well, you got yourself. Look at you. What is the tattoo right here on the. On the arm? I'm glad I asked. Okay. I don't know if you guys can see it. Can you describe it with words? Yes. All right, so it's got a wood handle, a metal shaft. Some would call it a shank, but it's not. Okay. It's an old school can opener. Nice. I was more talking case I have to open a can of whoop ass on somebody. You know what I mean? I was more talking about the predator. CIA coding you have on your wrist right here. What the hell is. Yeah, what's that? Frightening. Okay, so I have this right here is useti. Uhhuh. And then this is Dottie. That's Croatian for give and take. Because life is all about the give and take. Wild. Okay, all right. You ever meet a homeless woman with a tattoo of a can of beans on her leg? Yeah. Celia Contreras, dude.

Oh, I did just. You guys were at skank Fest. I was actually working there, which was a fucking great time. I actually fought in the skank fights. Okay, how did that go? 25 second submission, arm bar. The fastest submission of the weekend. You won? Yeah. Oh, my God. You hit the. You hit the can opener on somebody. Oh, yeah, I did. Good thing. I have it. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Triple hiv.

Yeah. I got ask though. I got a follow up. You're in the street, right? I was, yes, sir. Well, you still are. Yes, sir.

And it's a tough world out there, right? We've all watched Animal Planet. Right, okay. Yeah. Ever since you do have some mad skills in the ring. You ever get into any tussles out on the mean streets? My guy? Yeah. So I'm actually, like, notoriously known for breaking up fights down here, trying to protect people from harming themselves even further. Oh, wow. One night a guy did aggress me and I had to, you know, take care of myself. But you jerked off on him. Fuck yeah, I did.

Yeah, they. They pulled out a stretcher and everything. No, but I did have to wrap up a guy. But I try to do it in a respectful way that doesn't harm anybody. The worst thing is in today's, especially on the street, it's pretty violent. People need to be aware. Did he put hands on you? Did you take any shots? My guy dip and then hip toss and put him in a triangle. Choked him till the cops showed up. Broke into a square dance from what you just showed me.

Well, let's not act that out. Okay, offender. Congratulations. You've never gotten a big joke book on this show before, correct? Have you? I have, the very first. Well, then there you go. Hey, it got filled up and I will. Are you just saying that? Are you gonna sell this on the streets to somebody? All right. There you go, offender, ladies and gentlemen. There we go. Two return bucket poles to start the show. This looks like a new name. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. We're gonna find out. But let's hear it for Emo Ma. Jock, ladies and gentlemen. Emo Ma. Here we go.

Nothing book?

No, I'm around. I speak English, guys.

Holy. There's a lot of white people here. I'm Tariq's stepdaddy, the black as fuck one.

I'm from South Sudan. I'm from South Sudan, but I live out of Australia. I love the diversity you got here in America because there's no black people in Australia. There's like, literally like me and my cousin Chad.

So I'm out in LA right now and I love doing the comedy in la. I do the black rooms over there. The black rooms are kind of like this, but with black people.

And I love performing with African Americans, you know? Cause as an African, we see African Americans as our cousins. Like, an African American is technically an African that got caught.

And every four years at the Olympics. They remind the world that you will never catch them again.

Emojak, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. What up, Tony? Great set, Emo. Welcome. This is your first time on the show? I'm out here. Yeah. I've tried a couple times, but this is my first time on here, so. Yeah. Hell yeah. And how long you been on stand up? I've been doing startup for about seven years now. Seven years and all of it in South Sudan. How much? No, no, no, no, no.

Now out in Australia. I'm from Perth, Western Australia. I've been doing it out there, but I'm mainly in Melbourne. I'm all around Australia. All around Australia. Australia, yeah. Look at you. Amazing. He wrote a shipping container to get there. How did you end up in Perth? It was. We got sponsored as refugees, so we got taken to Australia. How old were you when that happened? Like a reverse slavery?

I was eight years old. I was eight years old. Amazing. Yeah, amazing. Can I give him a compliment? Yeah, give him a compliment. Can I give you a wonderful compliment, my friend? Yeah, absolutely, man. Go for it. We all have different gradients and shades of skin. Black people, white people, Asian people. You want to touch it? Is that what you're trying to. I think I would, yeah. You have like, dark skin, but it's a beautiful. I just love the tone and the shade of your skin. Thank you, man. When white people show that much interest in black people, I get nervous.

What's your address?

Amazing. Emo. Yeah. When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark, and now here I am. How about now? Meeting you. So I have to ask you, what scares you? What scares me? Yeah. White people. That makes sense. White people in cuffs. That makes perfect sense. What's your address? What's my. Exactly what I'm talking about. Ema. What else are you into? You have any special skills or hobbies or talents? I love standout, man. I love traveling. I travel a lot. I try to expose myself to as much cultures as possible. Yeah. What have you learned from these different cultures? What are some of your favorite cultures that we. What have I learned that we. One race. Hold on, wait, what? One race? One human race. One race. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're a marathon guy.

But like, what. Where are the. Your favorite places that you've traveled? Places? I've been out to Asia, but I. I love. I love being out here in America. You do make me a little bit nervous with your guns and.

But yeah, America's cool. Every different state has got their own little different rules and different cultures and stuff, so I really like. You say that Texas guns make you nervous. Have you ever shot a gun? Yeah, I shot guns. Yeah. Come on. I'm from Africa. Okay, all right.

I love it. You shot guns in Africa? Shotguns in Australia and. Yeah, in Africa. Yeah. Okay. What were you shooting in Africa? Was that at a range or just cans? What? Cans. Cans. Container ship captains. That's who we shot.

You ever shoot a slingshot or throw a rock? Yeah, I made a slingshot when I was a kid. Okay, well, go to Canada. You can do it some more. I just came from Canada. I had my first Canadian winter just recently. You had your first what? My first Canadian winter. Oh, my God. Yeah. How did it feel? Cold. Cold. It felt cold. That's the right answer. I was out in Saskatchewan, which is. Nobody knows where the fuck that is. I mean. Yeah, we know where that is. Yeah, of course. That's the prairie. Yeah. Yeah, you know. You're a Canadian. An old comedian of mine, Gary David, a Canadian comedian, he used to do this joke. He'd say, saskatchewan is so flat, it's the only place in the world you can sit on your front porch and watch your dog run away.

For three weeks.

And he wasn't very good. You can tell.

Do you want to touch it? You want to touch. How about now?

I got a lasagna in the oven. Don't with me.

Emo. You're. You. You're a world traveler. You are. You're a specific shade. As mentioned earlier. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever done to you? You seem like such a nice, sweet guy and, like, it's interesting how people judge a book by its. Gets cover. Yeah, I'm from Australia. Like that. That place is racist as. But. But that is my kind of speed, though. Bit of the races, you know, than the races. You don't. Yes, but someone touched me and try to rub it off. That was. That was. That's a little insulting. In Asia, you. Bali in Asian in Bali. Asked if you could rub any of that off. No, no, no. They. They tried. They tried to rub it up. Yeah. Holy shit. Did they use, like, Lemon Pledge or anything?

I think she just trusted her own hands and was unsuccessful. Have you had any jobs other than being a comedian? Yeah, I had a ton of jobs. I worked in co centers. I worked. What. What was the first one? Coal centers. Oh, I thought you said coal centers. And I was wondering if you were the coal for a second.

He said he likes racism, ladies and gentlemen. He feels at home. What kind of Speed. Yeah. I worked in warehousing, but stand up was definitely my favorite job. Yeah? How about your love life? You seem like a handsome, handsome man. I'm sure. I got a partner. You have a partner? Yeah, I got a partner. Fiance who just got engaged.

It's a. Where'd you meet this partner at? She's Canadian. I met her at a festival in Australia back in 2018.

Is she a girl?

Yeah, by my studies. Yeah. When someone says partner, I don't know if it's a girl or. No, she's a girl. She's a girl. Yeah, she's a girl. She's a woman. Not a girl. She's a woman. Yeah, right. Canadian woman. White? No, she's Indian background. Oh, brown girl. Wow. Okay. Indian background. You met her at the call center, I'm guessing.

I met her at a festival in Melbourne. Is there any water right now? Yeah, yeah. Why don't you just call for some? Oh, yes, yes. Let's get it. Absolutely.

You have cottonmouth.

I don't even have to do the rest of that joke. I don't even have to do it.

You can't even make it up. Ladies and gentlemen, first person asked for water in years just so happens to be one of the darkest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life.

Just for fun of at the call center. I'm just curious. You ever just do a.

Like a Tarzan call? Well, Tarzan was. Was not black. That's true. That's true. Harlan's been watching the Disney remake of Tarzan. On Netflix.

Only. No. Only on Netflix. Bunched us up in one pile. It's too late now. Red. Red Band just has his fingers hovering over the Lion King setup that he has right now. Nothing. Okay, It's a Tracy Chapman reference. Has anybody ever. Grace Jones? Yeah.

This is amazing. You have to understand, Emo, we're very excited to have someone. Someone like you here. It's our first time interviewing the curtains, so it's very exciting. It's very exciting for us, technically. You've been on every episode of the show.

Kylie, sponsored by me. That's right. Tony. He's the captain now. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, my goodness. He gets serious quick. I love it. Emo, what do you think? Because you are indeed dark. We've covered this. But I have to ask. What do you think is the whitest thing about you? If there's something about you that you do? Maybe teeth? Oh, okay. That's a good answer. My teeth ain't my credit report. I told you, found my.

I love it. Emo. You are fantastic. What a great interview. What a great set. What a great sense of humor. Welcome to the Kiltoni universe, the debut of Emo M, ladies and gentlemen.

There you go. That's how it's done. It's exciting. We've come a long way from that first bucket pull. Yeah, he was good. Solid, solid, solid. Oh, we liquefied him and put him in a drink for Harland. Look at that. There he is. That fast. He goes from a solid to a liquid. Ladies and gentlemen, only on Kill Tony do we have this type of technology. Rogan has a lot of money as a human liquefier in the back. All right. Indeed. This podcast is sponsored by Quo. Let's talk about something every business owner knows too well. Missed calls. It's like watching money fly out the window. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O. The smarter way to run your business. Communications. Quo is the number one business phone system built for 2025, not 1995. With over 3,000 reviews on G2. Forget juggling phones are using a landline. Quo works right from an app on your phone or computer. Tony, I love Quo so much. It's the best business phone system around. Your whole team can share one number and collaborate on calls and texts like a shared inbox, meaning faster responses and happier customers. That's right. That's why over 90, 000 businesses are already running on quo. From solo operators to growing teams. Quill helps businesses stay connected and look professional. Trust it for free when you go to quo.comquiltoni. that's Q-U-O.comquiltoni. you can even keep your existing number Quo. No missed calls. No missed customers. Coca Cola for the big. For the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers for the optimists. Pessimists for long distance. Loathe for introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers for old friends. And new Coca Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca Cola at a store near you. He's bubbly.

He was bubbly on stage, too. Yeah, dark and bubbly. Wow. Wonderful. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Ashley Ann, everybody. Here we go.

What's up, guys? So I found out my ex was bisexual when I found the Grindr app on his phone, which I thought was just like a GPS app to the gyms. And it was to gyms and Mike's and Tony's.

That's not why we broke up. Though it was actually because he's a whore. Bisexual I can deal with, but bi loyal? Absolutely not.

Then I found out my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend, she. She confessed to me that they had had a threesome, which is crazy. Like, they tied her up naked in the bed. She thought she was gonna get some kinky good fun, but they actually just forgot she was there and went out just, you know, right next to her. Which to me sounds a lot less like a threesome and more like a coming out party that took a hostage.

It actually took him two years to admit that all of those things were true too. Which is fair if you consider the fact that most people can't admit that they're the problem, let alone admit that they're at the bottom.

Wow. All right. Ashley Ann getting her revenge on her ex boyfriend. Publicly on, I'm guessing what this is. Did he introduce you to this show?

Totally crush on you? Absolutely. What? No. What? He did not. I haven't talked to that man in a very long time. Okay, how long ago was this breakup? It was like 13 years ago. Oh, wow. This is perhaps one of the craziest ex girlfriends we've ever had on this show. Wow. Revenge is sweet, ladies and gentlemen. 13 years she's been plotting and planning. Wow. How long was the relationship? Well, it took me that long to get over the trauma. First of all, I'm now writing about it. You know, release, maybe like three years. Okay, so three years. Held on to it for 13. Yeah, there's a good reason why, but I can't say it publicly. Aids. AIDS is the answer. That's definitely not it. Okay, good. You can't say, is he famous or something? I would tell you. Not them. Okay. What a great podcast guest you are. Sure the people, the millions of people at home are going to go, okay, fine, I'll tell you. Perfect. It's my daughter's dad. It's your daughter's dad. Okay. It was actually eight years ago. I was trying not to be too specific for him, but. So you've answered. Nothing. Listen, he's in prison, so, I mean, he's happy. It's fine. There you go. All right, this interview is moving at an interesting pace. What's he in prison for? Dui. A dui? How do you get sent for prison for a dui? Running away with a car and then running. Running it into the back of another car. Okay, so, all right, how long is he in prison for? Oh, he did five years, but he went right back. Why did he go right Back. Armed robbery. There it is. Hey, everybody, there's. Seriously? You can't answer the simplest of questions. It's amazing. Yeah, he thought it was. Was crazy. He just never touched a gun a day in his life. He just knew where he wanted to be and how to get there. He's never touched a gun a day in his life. He knew where he had to be, but he went. But he did have a gun during the robbery. Okay, sure did. All right. Okay. How long is he in prison for this time? I don't care. I don't know. I. I actually don't know. Perfect. You are literally the worst interview in the history of the show. This is unbelievable. Listen, when my. When my fiance watches this, he's going to makes fun of me so bad. He's here. He's here. Okay. All right. Yeah, he's probably going to cheat on you in a bisexual threesome. I. I can see how this is all working out by the way. He's probably going to get himself thrown in prison by doing whatever it takes just so that he doesn't have to deal with you anymore. I'm starting to all make sense. Ashley, how long have you been attempting standup comedy? About a year. A year? All of it here in Austin? Where do you live? No, I live in dfw. Dfw? Dallas. I live in Fort Worth. Yeah, but I. I work all over the place. So you found a rich cowboy to buy you a 10 carat diamond ring after all that? That is a huge ring monster. It is legally blind. He had to find me somehow. So he's actually blind? He is legally blind, yes. Wow. It all makes sense now.

Listen, he can see me. He just has no peripheral. He's like a roomboat on low battery. He probably wishes he was deaf. He is a little bit. He's a little bit deaf too. Yeah. Wow. Where did you find this guy? I don't know. My standards were like over here. It's an easy question. Where did you meet this guy? A bar. Karaoke. The bar karaoke. What was your song? What were you singing that night? He made me sing some Reba McIntyre. Fancy.

You're like Courtney Love. Yeah.

More like Courtney, except I'm a natural blonde. So. You're a monster.

I know. Yeah, I make fun of my blind fiance a lot. I'm sorry. How did he end up blind and partially deaf?

Partially deaf because he sits next to my speakers when I host karaoke. Blind. He was born. He's got rp, Retinitis pigmentosa. Okay, so he just was Born with full vision and loses it gradually. So he has double pigmentosa, huh? Yeah. Double pigmentosa. Yeah. Okie dokie. Isn't that one of. Wasn't that. What is it? How do you say it? Retinitis pigmentosa. I know it sounds like a Harry Potter spell. Retinitis pigmentosa. Sounds more like one of Winnie the Pooh's little buddies. Pigmentosa. Yeah, totally. All right, Ashley Ann, I gotta keep this thing moving along. Here's a really small joke book. Can you catch it? Yes. I'm gonna leave it a little bit short because you seem like a walking lawsuit here. There you go. Perfect. Ashley Ann.

There you go. Good God almighty.

All right, let's get a little palate cleanser up here. Ladies and gentlemen, and gentlemen, we've had some giggles with these bucket pools, but now it's time to drop the hammer. I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, here doing a spot in the middle of a random episode of Kill, Tony, I present to you a man who one day, perhaps, by the grace of God, will be a citizen of the United States of America.

But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matzy.

I love thinking always how American movies play in other markets. Like if you're in Japan and you went to see Oppenheimer.

Palmer.

No Japanese people in that movie. Just a sexy scientist smoking cigarettes. Just.

Should I.

Just banging chicks at university. Just click.

Back to banging.

Or like, if you're in Korea and you went to see Marley and Me.

The whole time you watch that movie, you're like, how. How long is this meal gonna take?

Sometimes they rename American movies to fit for the local market. Like Taken with Liam Neeson in Albania, it was called Normal business. Gu.

Does honest business.

Until American asshole.

Intervenes.

Schindler's List.

In Germany.

It was called Scheisse. So close.

But my favorite movies are Denzel Washington movies. He makes killing look so easy. He's just a lazy, fat old guy. You're at home eating chips, you're like, yeah, I got it. Like that.

Every Denzel movie is him at a diner trying to finish a meal, but then a hooker gets in trouble.

Every Denzel movie is just him at a diner.

Kills 26 people.

Takes down a whole syndicate. It's a hot hooker, though. You gotta save a hot hooker.

Okay, this is an act out of Denzel Washington trying to finish a meal. But then the hooker who gets in trouble is a fat cow.

Ain't nobody saving a fat cow. Thank you, guys. So much. Wow. 3 minutes and 30 seconds. The only human that we allow and that can take the ball and run with it and cross. Right. What a presentation. No, we love it. I didn't have time to cut it. No, it's great. You're. That's a movie chunk right there. And we love it. Someone's been watching some movies this week.

You look fantastic. You're crushing. Life is good. I look. I look like a lead singer in like, you know, like a vampire band. Yeah, a very emotional band. Death is infinite, you know?

Ari, what have you been up to? Yeah, not much.

I had my first Halloween in America. You know, I know it's a while ago, but. Yeah, yeah, we don't have Halloween in Estonia. We have Russians.

Things are scary enough.

Did these local Estonians and the Russians, like, what's the difference? Explain to these one are murderer and raping empire, and the other are really nice, intelligent, beautiful people. Wow.

Wow.

And you've seen that firsthand. You've seen some Russian pillaging, if you will. Yeah. When I was like, 14, I remember I got beat up by these two Russian kids. They were also 14, but in Russia. 14, and they got, like, hair on their knuckles. Two kids, a divorce, three jobs, you know, I was like an Estonian 14 year old. I had a doll, you know, I was doing parkour.

No, literally, I was doing parkour. And then they saw me doing parkour and they came up to me and they said in Russian they go.

Which means, like, Estonian, which.

I don't know how they already knew.

And then what? Did you throw the first punch or. No, never. No, they threw the first punch and then they claimed it was necessary to do NATO. So.

I love it. You seem well rested. What have you been up to? Yeah, I went to Mexico for a week. Oh, yeah, look at that. A lot of fans of Mexico here. Wonder why we have a large Latino fan base here tonight. So a lot of Mexicans that I wish would come here.

Are you in love with a Mexican girl there? I fell in love every day. Every single day.

Yeah. The way they look at you, too, it's crazy, you know? Like Mexican women, they look at you like, I'll fuck you, you know? Yeah. Yeah, they will. I walked around with a Kill Tony hoodie, and so many Mexicans would look at my hoodie, look at me, and they would go, hey, what did Tony do?

It was like the main joke. It was so funny. I saw them. Every time I saw them look at the hoodie, I'm like, here it comes. What they. Tony Do.

I don't know. That sounded Italian.

Yeah, I went to Cozumel, beautiful island. And dude, when I was there for the first night, I had such a funny incident where, okay, I Google restaurant, Google map restaurants, and a lot of kosher.

You know. Uh huh. Yes. Yeah, a lot of kosher. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Mexico? Fuck kosher, you know? And then I go outside of my hotel, first thing I see in Cozumel, two Jewish guy. Full fool Jew. Fool Jew. Not like adopter, but like not hiding at all, just full with the things, you know.

You know, like.

Full like. Yeah.

And they were arguing. Two Jewish guys arguing with a Mexican guy who. He's the guy who rents out scooters and like motorbikes. And the Mexican is just. When I walk by them, the Mexican is saying, I keep deposit. Look, scratches. I have evidence. No scratch here before. I have picture. Look, there is scratch. And then the Jewish guy goes, no, no, we need deposit. I also have picture. And then they show the picture. And then I go and eat. About 10 minutes later, I see the Jewish guys walking away from there with like a wad of money in their hand. And then the other one looks at the guy, he goes.

Photoshop is free. And so are we. Just. Wow. So they're like that in Mexico too? Yeah. Wow. Punta Judea. That was just funny.

That is incredible. Wow. Amazing. Racist, huh, Harland? Well.

Only if you're Jewish or Mexican.

But yeah, I had fun. Yeah. Halloween party. Did you go to a Halloween party? No, no, no. You gotta be careful with Halloween, my guy. Tell me. Well, you're a. How long you been in America, my guy? Like one year and a half. One year and a half. Tony will back me up on this red band. The key is to be careful with the costume, okay? Uh huh. I blew it last year. I went out dressed as a pinata and went trick or treating down in the Latino community and they beat the three musketeers out of me.

You know what? I. If I could get some kind of noise me up.

Funnier, funnier. I did go to a Halloween party and what I noticed is every chick is like a sexy, slutty cat. Huh? That's like the only hot animal they can think of. Yeah, there are a lot of chicks that should have been a sexy elephant, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You should have gone to Jeffrey Dahmer's house. He had a bare skin rug.

Funnier, funnier. But there were like, there were like so many, so many chicks dressed as A sexy cat. At this party where I was at that I. When I was at this party and I saw all these titties and pussies out, I kind of understood Islam.

Because there would be like all the chicks with the sexy pussy. Pussy cut out. And then there would be that one chick, you know, dressed like. As a banana.

You know, just the faces out.

And I would look at her like, fuck, what's under the banana? Yeah, yeah. Creates a little mystery. Just like the Burkham.

Mystery is just as hot as sluttiness.

I couldn't agree more. The banana wins.

Ari, you are unbelievable. What a set. Triple the work that you had to do this place. Creating stars. If Cam's on snl, I can't imagine what Ari Maddie's going to be doing in the very near future. One more time for Re Matty. Ladies and gentlemen, Disney's Lilo and Stitch has finally landed on Disney.

Now you can watch the global phenomenon at home with your ohana. Be good for one second. You're the devil. Lilo and Stitch is verified hot on Rotten Tomatoes with an audience score of 93%. Perfect stitch, also cute and fluffy. Disney's Lilo and Stitch, rated PG now streaming on Disney. And right now you can get Disney, Hulu, and all of ESPN with an incredible limited time offer. Terms apply. Experience a membership that backs your business journey with American Express business Platinum. Earn 5 times Membership Rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels booked on amextravel.com plus enjoy a welcome offer of 200,000 points after you spend $20,000 on purchases on the card within your first three months of membership. American Express Business Platinum. There's nothing like it. Terms apply. Learn [e-mail] Business Platinum Onward we go. Back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Hemphill. Here we go, the opportunity of a lifetime.

Yo, I don't know if you could tell by looking at me, but I got my haircut at the lesbian barbershop. They kind of fucked me up, though. It's my fault. They asked me what I wanted. I said, I don't know. Just scissor me.

I keep seeing ads for male enhancement pills. They're supposed to make your dick bigger, longer, stronger. I don't know about that. I wish they come out with something for female enhancement. Yeah, how about a pill that makes you shut the fuck up?

Grown up was weird.

My dad. My dad, he was always on this seafood diet where if he got home and he didn't seafood on the table. He'd hit my mom.

Shit, man.

Life's hard these days. Like, if a white dude wants to be black, they call him a wigger, right? I'm a white dude and I kind. I really want to be Mexican. What does that make me? A wiener?

Shit, that would make you a. That would make you a white back. Just to let you know what the funnier punchline is there. Jack Hemphill. Welcome, Jack. This is your first time on the show? Show? Yes, sir. How long you been doing standup? Like, two and a half years. Where at? Hitting Creek. Open mics Green room. So, here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, here in Austin. Nice. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed right now. Oh. How much money do you have saved? Like 15, 20. You know, just living, bumming, bumming for the rest of the year. 15, 20,000? Yeah. Total? Yeah. So what's your rent?

1150. 1150. So you have about a year. That's about half as much as a fender has, I suppose. Or twice as much.

Okay, so what's your plan? How are you going to make money, Jack shit? I'm gonna fucking go to Mexico for the month of December, fucking learn Spanish, come back and get a sales job or something. I don't know. Okay, what's your plan? How did Mexico enter the chat exactly? Well, I kind of want to be Mexican, you know, I want to go there, take classes to learn Spanish, Take some cooking classes. In one month? Yeah. Yeah, I think I can pull it off. You don't know Spanish at all? I know a little bit. I grew up in Texas, so I took it in elementary school, middle school, high school. Okay. How old are you? 24. 24 years old. You're unemployed right now. But what was the last job that you had? I was fucking. It was a sales job. Just cold calling, bullshitting, you know, construction dude. How long did you have that job for? Like six months. Okay. They fired you? Yeah. Why? I deserved it. Why? Because I kept. I kept staying up all night on my phone and then showing up late for work the next day. Yeah. What would you be doing on your phone in the middle of the night, dude, Fucking scrolling Instagram reels. What is your algorithm? Like, if we looked at your. Really racist. Really? Yeah, yeah. Anything else? Just racism, racism, fucking jokes, random bullshit. I don't know, like stuff. Stuff that is unfulfilling, just fulfilling enough for me to try and see if there's something better on the next scroll, but nothing more than that midgets with giant tits have entered my algorithm. I Clicked on it one time, One time. And now it's my entire recommended page. And I don't know exactly how or why, but I do keep clicking on it and staring at them. So wait, you've been. You're out of work right now? Yeah. Dude, it breaks my heart and I'm gonna be emotional here and I think you people. It breaks my heart to see Natalie Portman out of work.

Yeah. You look like the meanest lesbian at a lesbian bar, man. You're awesome. Thank you. Really does. You would probably get a job at like Medieval Times or something like that. Like, probably. I know I. I can't juggle, but I'll learn if they pay enough. You ever put your lips on the front of a Tesla and just sucked?

What, what part exactly would he suck on? The hood. The what? The hood. Oh, the hood. Cause that's the biggest area for his giant Natalie Portman suck mouth. Okay.

What is your love life like? What are you into?

I mean, honestly, I catch a lot of lesbians.

You know. Uh huh. But seriously, recently, I mean, recently, I mean, my only options are like, like dating apps and I feel like the app runners are like digital E pimps, you know, selling twat. And I don't, I don't want to be a digital, like simp. What's the last date you went on?

The last hookup you had? Perhaps. I 37 year old lady at like south by Southwest. At south by Southwest? Yeah, just like there on location or you met her there? It was like a bar showed. Yeah, I just met her there. What she looked like? Dude, she fucking. When it starts with dude, you know it's gonna be good. Dude, she was, she was wide, right? And like looked like, looked fat under her clothes. But she had a flat stomach. It was weird. It was a weird body type, Big old titties. She smelled like corn tortillas and pozole. It was. It was pretty nice and. Yeah, yeah, you could say that. Yeah. Sick. It was a Latina. Yeah, for sure. Okay, how do you think she felt looking up and seeing she's Natalie Portman with. With an altar boy's mustache?

So how did that. How did that. Where did exactly did that sexual hookup take place? At her place. At her place. Her piece. At her. Her. At her place. I'm sorry. And I heard herpes. You did, you did hear herpes? Her place. So how did that, how did that end? Did you last long stop talking to her? Oh, okay, perfect. Well, that's not exactly the.

All right, Jack. Well, congratulations. Here's a. Here's a medium sized joke book for you, Jack Hemphill, everybody.

Her P place.

All right. Keeping it, moving along. Make some noise for your ne. Oh my goodness, there's the lovely Heidi. Check out our podcast Love on the line@Heidy Regina.com. let's make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Doc Fairy, everybody. Anything can happen. Do Fairy.

I love, I just can't stand you.

Let me explain. I'm surrounded by females. I got nine aunts, only two uncles. I got three ex wives. I got four daughters, no sons. And I got seven grandkids, six, which are girls. So what I'm trying to tell you ladies is I'm onto your fucking bullshit. And y' all are fucking crazy. Let me give you an example. My dad caught me smoking a cigarette when I was younger. He made me smoke the whole pack in front of him. I get it, you know, Punishment fits the crime. Now my mother, she caught me jerking off in the bathroom. She made me.

I can't look my uncle in the eyes to this day.

It was horrible. My dumb ass wife asked me a dumbass question. She said, do you have a favorite song? I said, yeah, you want to hear it? She said, yeah. I said, all right, here it goes.

Second verse, same as the first. She said, that's not a song. I said, it's music to my ears, bitch. Now suck my cock.

Thank you very much. My name's Doc. Wow. Oh my God, Nick, you just turned every pussy in this place to sand. Good job. It's frightening. Bruce says ISIS doesn't have a sense of humor.

Sir, you're still crouching and I can see you. There he goes. Doc, welcome. You've been on this show before, right? About two months ago. Okay, well, welcome back. Remind us, how long you been doing stand up? About two years now. Two years? And what do you do for work? I am going to school currently for H Vac. H Vac? You're gonna learn H Vac? Well, that sucked.

See what I did there? What were you gonna do? I was gonna say the exact same thing. Right? Yeah, exactly, my brother. There we are. Are. Thanks for standing erect. There she is. Look at that. Someone that dresses like a banana for Halloween. Anyway.

So Doc, is that true what you said, you have three ex wives and four daughters? Three ex wives, four daughters. How do these marriages all end? What's what? Horribly. Yeah, give us a little breakdown. My first wife was my high school sweetheart.

I actually lost my virginity to her, which was ironic because 10 years later, I Lost my car, my kids, half my money for 16 years. My second wife was the meanest woman walking the face of the earth. Still is. She's in Germany. She's German. True German. I don't need to say any more about that. I was rough. She was the work worst. She was the meanest. She was the meanest. I actually, we talked about this before, but I got PTSD after going to war three times with the military from the ex wives. Wow. So I went to therapy and everything. Can you give us an example of what type of Tony? I believe she was on the show earlier, by the way, now that I think about it. Surname? Ashley Ann, by any chance? I can tell you this.

I can tell you horrible things. Because it's not just the ex wives. I don't date anymore. I'm done with women. They're fucking. Just obnoxious. I can't fucking take. Sorry, ladies. Get your sisters together, okay? Cause they're fucking up. So here's some shit. Sorry, ladies.

Not a chance. Sorry, girls. You're not getting a shot at him.

Yeah, I'll be outside after. I'm available. I'm single. Hey, do your hands get bigger every time you beat the shit out of one of your wives? You got myths on you. Dude just gets flatter right here. You ever lay in bed at night, rub your beard and pretend you're fingering a girl from the 70s? It's a good question. You're on to me. Does it show? Yeah, exactly. I do that to keep telling us about the most traumatic, traumatic wife. Well, the most traumatic wife things that she did the last two years of our marriage. I was locked in the basement, scared to death of her. She would come to work and she would show her ass. I mean bad. She didn't care who was there. She just act a fool up and down. What does that mean exactly? What does that mean to you? What exactly would she do? Here's a good example. You guys worked together at the time? No, she would go to her work. She came to my work, Right. Which at the time was what? In the military. Oh. She would show up to a military base. Okay, go ahead. And she would act crazy. But one of the things that happened while I was in the military and married to her was I was in the bathroom taking a shower and she literally kicks in the door, right? And I look like this. And she goes, I want you to take the shower on your knees. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? She said, the sound of the water is gonna wake the baby. I said, get the fuck out of the bat. She was serious. Who are you married to, Fat Bastard? What the fuck are you talking about? It's Fiona. It's Fiona talked about when she got mad. That's what she sounded like. It was horrible. And she was mad all the time. Wow. What ethnicity are you exactly? I am half white and half Mexican. Half white, half Mexican. Okay, tell us about the third wife. Third wife was the whore. We went in depth with this one. Oh, yeah. This one was. I'll just give it quick. Yeah, she put her. While I was contracting overseas, she was back here putting herself on Craigslist personals. And she was dating a lot of people, usually five to seven guys at a time. And so when I came back, I said, you know, why did you do it? And she was like, well, the relationship had just lost its romance. I was like, good luck finding a romantic gang bang bitch. And then I thought, oh, holy shit. I gave her permission. You know, I didn't know if a romantic gang bang was a real thing, so I had to go to a pornhub. I went to pornhub and put romantic gang bang in the search bar. And I tell you what, it took me 15 hours, a half bottle of Jergens, and a trip to the emergency room. And by God, I was right. She's a nasty.

Wait, you ended up in the emergency room? Are you making a joke? I'm making it. Okay, I can. She's a. In the end. Okay, Doc, let me ask you this, because you seem to really hate women at this point. I. I am not fond of them. Right. What's the last date you went on? Have you ever had a positive interaction as of late with a woman at all? Do you kind of go into it thinking, this isn't gonna work you out? No, I go in there with a very positive attitude. Okay, so what's that like?

Can you give us an example of a recent date that you went on where. I haven't dated in two years. You haven't been on a date in two years? Have you hooked up with anybody in the last two years? Not at all. Not at south by Southwest. December 22nd. What happened in December of 22? That was the last time I got laid. That's the last date I had. How did that happen? What went down there? She was a girlfriend, and she just got jealous because I had. I live in Bernie, so there's a lot of money over there. So my. The main house has seven bedrooms, and so I, you know, pick up some people sometimes. And they live there. So I had a friend who was a female who lived there. Hold on, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. You said the main house has seven bedrooms, right? That's your house? Yeah. You live there? Yeah. By yourself? Well, I have, my brother lives there. I got my daughter now with four of my grandkids and her house husband. But it's Mexican. But it's your house. It's my house. Right. How were you able to afford a seven bedroom house in Bernie? I was working overseas, I was contracting. I was making a quarter million a year for like eight years. Okay. Yeah. Look at you. Well, I was a protection service for the ambassador. The ambassador of what? Of Afghanistan. The U.S. ambassador. You, you protected the ambassador of Afghanistan? You got this weird looking guy off to the side there. I'm like him, only like way better.

I'm pretty sure that guy would rip your arms out of your sockets there, dog. Pretty sure he would just absolutely do whatever he wanted to you. Yes. I'm getting older now. I used to be a little bit more in shape, but not anymore. To the younger one. How old are you, Doc? 56. 56. Tell us what recently, what's. Tell us how age is affecting you as a blade. It's the most recent. Yeah. Okay. I piss funny. Now, when you say you piss funny, what exactly do you mean? That means I gotta piss really bad. But I just pissed two minutes ago. So I go to go to the bathroom again and a dribble a little bit and then, come on, you know, nothing comes out. And then I go back again. Then I don't pee for an hour. And then it's just kind of up and down, up and down. So I thought I might have a prostate problem.

I didn't even think about this story. I got DP'd at the urologist. Tell us about that. All right, so I go in and I have this pee problem. I don't know what's going on. So I'm like, man, they're gonna try and I don't know what, I don't know what's gonna happen, but I think they're gonna try and go up my dick. And I don't want that to happen. So I've kind of stayed away from things like that. So I go in and they go into a room. Mood lights and everything. I'm not comfortable. They put me on my side and then they take this wand with like a baseball type thing on there and they shove it in my ass. Huh? Okay. I hate to Tell you this, buddy. You were at Ruth Chris Steakhouse.

I knew there was something wrong with the coupon.

Invite d back. Hell yeah. All right, keep going, Doc. So this guy puts the. This thing in my ass. And then not only that, but now he's, you know, he's moving it around and doing. And I'm just like, holding on. I'm just holding on. Okay, so then at the end, pulls it out. That hurt. And I was like, oh, thank goodness. I said. And then I kind of joked. Cleaned up and joked with the guy. I thought I was going to get something in my pee hole. He said, that's the next room. And I said, fuck me. So I go into the next room and swear to God this is true. They have the tray. There's like a mound of the goo, the gel. All right. And the thing that's going to go in my pee hole looks like the wand at a car wash. It's that you said the word of the day. Car wash is the word of the day.

Dried up all the. And you shriveled up all the, my friend. That is true. That is true. We're gonna have a calmer world after this show. The most unfuckable man on the planet right now. No wonder these women hate you. I'm gonna make you shower on your knees tonight, Doc. Shower on your knees. Yeah, you're going to wake at the baby.

All right, Doc, we gotta keep it moving. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There goes Doc, everybody. It's a lot of you might think that the this episode is like a psychiatry office or something tonight. And it kind of is. There's a lot of, you know, a lot of wild people get into stand up. It's a crazy thing. Anything can happen. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast, smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legend. Legendary nights from backyard jams to sold out arenas. There's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly. Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee. Make some noise for your next bucket. Bullets. Jack McWilliams, everyone. Jack.

I hooked up with a girl who put on music to set the mood. I was about to go down on her when the song Cola by Lana Del Rey came on. For those that don't know, the first line of that sexy song is, my pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola.

So that threw me off. I'll be honest, I was not expecting her to taste like the choice of a new generation.

Didn't seem sexy to me, but I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I just asked her, can I go down on you? She said, is Pepsi okay?

Not my first choice. You know, I ordered a nice cold cock. Let me hear you fellas.

Homophobic crowd.

Seriously, there's no way that Lana Del Rey thinks it's sex and it tastes like nobody's favorite beverage, right? That's.

That's gotta be an advertisement for Pepsi. That product placement sticks out more than a shockingly clean car on the Walking Dead. I'm watching that show. Like, how did they get a brand new Chevy silverado in the fifth year of a zombie apocalypse? All right, I'm Jack McWilliams. Thanks so much. Jack McWilliams. This guy seems stable. He looks like a comedian, he acts like a comedian, he moves like a comedian. Doing jokes. Yeah. This is a relief. Out of this bucket tonight. Jack, how long you been doing stand up tonight? Yeah, 10 years this Valentine's Day. 10 years this Valentine's Day. What made you start on Valentine's Day 10 years ago? That was the day when I just. There was an open mic and I clearly was single. Yeah, I love it. So 10 years, where'd you start at? I was in Bloomington, Indiana when I was in college, but I was in Chicago for eight years. Okay. You live here now, so I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in Austin and I'm a golf caddy. So I go like six months at a time. Nice. I was just passed on another callback to be a door guy here literally tonight, so. Oh, wow. Hopefully I get that. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, that'd be great. What an amazing thing happening here. Hire him. The guy. Charge this guy. I love it.

Adam Egot. Yes.

So you met Adam tonight. You got met him last Monday and he told you to come back for another one tonight. And you did good tonight. Yep. And he said you have a chance of being a Door guy. Yeah. He said he has to check his things. Yeah, they have to do a little FBI, little research. It was like you said, jokes. You look stable. But let's really find it out. We'll give you a month, too. Now, they'd go through a high level.

Research. Research thing. Right. I've got a battle. Eight different Jiu Jitsu. Yeah, exactly. Rogan's club, the video game. I've got a month to get it all down. So I think I'll I'm a shoe in. What do you mean you got a month to learn all the jujitsu? Oh, exactly. Just a little Jiu Jitsu riff. We'll get back. No, totally. I love it, Jack. So you're a professional golf caddy? Yes. And how long have you been in a relationship with a girl from Austin? Two years next month. Nice. What does she do? She works at heb. She's a manager of the. She's an American hero is what she is.

That's right. Wait, what's heb? You don't know about H E B Harlan? We're Canadian. We don't know what that is. You're Canadian, too? I'm just a piece of shit French Canadian. I'm like half. Wow. I'm French Canadian, too. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. What's an hpb? No, heb. Hpv. HEB is the wor. World's Greatest Grocery Store, ladies and gentlemen. Now it sounds like. Hey, what do you mean, World's Greatest Grocery Store? Like, what? What does that even. All grocery stores are created equal. MO, my friend. Every single thing at an HB is better than every single thing anywhere else. Literally in every single way. If anything has the HB logo on it. E. Even if it looks like it's generic, it's better than the actual product that it's competing with. Can I ask a question? You can ask any question you'd like. I would love to answer. We love hb.

That is not even a paid sponsorship, by the way. That is just our hearts. And it is lasagna. A. Unbelievable. Can I tell you something? 22 layers. Good luck, buddy. I put one in the oven on my way here. No. Yeah. Off. I slow cook it. I put it on before the show. I come to soundcheck. Yeah. Good luck, you French Canadian. You'll never get up to 22 layers. You would need a goddamn crane to pull off such a feat. The lasagna layer. I barely know her.

Did you. Your girl ever bring home any special treats from hb? Some exclusive treats, perhaps their Unbelievable. Jalapeno stuffed peppers.

Stuffed jalapeno poppers. It's actually my pet nickname for my girlfriend. Indeed. Yeah. She bring. We always shop at hb. What are some of your favorite things from hb? Tell these Canadians what the is going on here? Let's see.

I'm having trou. Hey, Adam, Ego, be quiet. I'm having trouble thinking of a specific thing. But she just went through the management training. And I know that they spend years with a group of scientists developing their products to become as good, if not better than normal products like Doritos. They only hold Doritos because then everybody needs to still shop at heb Cause they want to. Harlan, get with the program, man. Right, so it's like science food. Yes.

That'S the perfect way to describe it. But, like, they'll develop a product for years before they release it, making sure that it's superior to whatever they're trying to replicate. So, like, look, it's. It's. It's real sodas. What you have to understand is that it's real and it's a anomaly. And you kind of hear about it when you first get here. You know, I'm Red Band and I've been here five years now. And you learn a lot. Heb in for five years. And different hebs actually have different specialists and chefs and cooks and stuff that specialize in different things. For example, speaking of Bernie, I was at my buddy's ranch in Bernie a couple weeks ago, and it turns out their bakery is literally out of control to where the guy, my buddy, Nick's dad, is like, hey, man, you gotta try these snickerdoodles, baby. And I'm like, I'm not a big cook cookie guy. I'm not into sweets. He's like, no, you gotta try the snickerdoodles from the heb, baby. The. The lady at the bakery at this heb here in Bernie, out of control. And I swear I ate like 72 snickerdoodle cookies. It was like I was wasted on snickerdoodles. What does HPB even. It's pronounced HPV is what it is. Don't you guys take this grocery store's name in vain. What's. What does it mean? What is it? What are the letters? Human Papilloma virus, people call it here. Everything's better. But I believe it's just after somebody's name. It is. And you're not going to believe the name.

I believe it is. Is it Herbert? Herbert E. Butts. Ladies and gentlemen. B U T T S.

Yeah, that's where I want my shot. But there's red bands. One fart noise. Thank you. No Buttered. The buttered tortillas. My girlfriend makes breakfast. Yeah.

The place goes wild. Make them fresh. I know. And again, I imagine that the people listening around the world right now are going, shut the up. There's no way you guys have a superior grocery store. You. We do. It's an anomaly. It's just one of the things we also have, as you may know, a superior gas station. Our grocery stores, our gas station, our tax breaks, our real estate, our booming economy. So many things are better here in Texas. I shop down the street at Wally Eats Ass. How about that? Yeah. Oh, it's Howard. I've been. I thought it was her because that sounds cooler than Howard, but it's Howard E. Butts. Yeah, Howard. So we were gonna.

My girlfriend and I were gonna have her move up to Chicago in June if something didn't take off comedy wise for me. And she was like, I don't know where I'm gonna work, where I'm gonna shop. And I was just like, yeah, we got Jul Osco, but that sucks compared to Heb. Oh, yeah. There's no comparison. Are you sure you're just not a valet in Key Largo? Do have that vibe somehow. You look like you might be guy. Yeah, it's a golf caddy. Are there any promising golf caddy positions here? I work at Spanish Oaks. Oh, nice. So you already work here? Perfect, man. So I go six months at a time. You're doing a cap? Oh, I play the least amount of golf I ever have now that I caddy. So like bogey golf. But I was like a 10 in college, so good enough to keep up and have fun. Perfect. Like you smash it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. Jack. Congratulations, Jack. A fantastic performance. Jack, are you around Wednesday for a secret show? Yes, sir. Boom. Doing the secret show. Boom. On a real gig. Very possibly the newest door guy here at the mothership. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Boom.

Jack McWilliams. Getting real gigs. That's how possible things things are. With just a little bit of jokes and mental stability, you can actually have good things happen to you on this show. This bucket pool is representing the inside, but I believe they've already wrangled her. Ladies and gentlemen, representing the audience. Make some noise for Paula, everybody. Here we go.

Hi. I'm going to do something a little different here. I'm not going to talk about the number one Topic usually on this show, which is dicks. I'm going to talk about a former Olympic sport. You might not notice, but I was a competitive athlete at one point. I'm kind of surprised, too. Anybody want to guess what. What sport that might have been?

Nope.

Synchronized swimming.

That's what made me question the Olympics. If I could do it. I'm not convinced.

Oh, gosh.

So what made me realize that I, I. That. That I couldn't take my gift to the next step was because I hated getting my hair wet.

One more.

One more joke.

All right, I'm gonna save you here, Paula. Go ahead. And now, even though the bear is played. Go ahead, do the one more. How long do you think the one more is? Just. Just 20 seconds. Okay, here we go. 20 seconds. Paula, have you noticed that nothing lasts anymore? Your car, five to seven years. Your phone, two to three years. Your washing machine, five years. It's a revolving door for constant revenue. I think it all started with tighty whities.

They were white.

And. Oh, there was one more part to that.

Anyway, there was. It was impossible to hide your biohazards. All right, Paula. Chimney crickets. Good Lord almighty. Paula, I gotta tell you, you are the opposite of an heb.

Paula, grab that microphone. You're in the interview, partner. Now, have you ever done standup before? Never. What made you want to sign up for this here tonight? What in the world would make you want to sign up for this? I watched the show for at least five years, and I thought it would be kind of fun. How did it feel? How does it feel? You're in it right now.

I. I was a little nervous back there, but it's okay. Okay, Paula, let's talk about your life. You've seen the show. Obviously the set didn't go that good, but you can save it with an amazing interview. I got some stuff. Okay, tell us about your life, Paula.

All right. I like your haircut. Thank you. You look like what Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction would have looked like if she would have died all the way from the overdose.

If Travolta didn't hit her right in the heart with that syringe. That would have been you. It's nice to see the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang making a comeback. What. What is Chitty Chitty wasn't even old. Lollipops ice cream. All three today. What are these references? Lollipops ice cream. Come on, children. All three today.

We're gonna have to overlay on the YouTube show. We're gonna have the worst villains of all time. The child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I. I don't know anything about top hat on that. That's it.

Oh, my God. I do see it. Red band has pulled it up. And indeed, you look like the.

Wow. Absolutely amazing. Children. Come out, children. Okay, all right. We get the. We get. Well, it's going a lot better than her ass. I mean that.

And by the way, can you do one more when you haven't done the first one yet?

It's great. Lollipop.

Today, children. It's incredible. Harland is so funny that he's able to kill with an impression that nobody's ever even seen before. Right? This is amazing. So, Paula, tell us about your life. What's a fun fact about your life?

My dad's brother was killed by the mob. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, I. Up, up. Yeah.

Lollipops.

Graveyards, shallow graves, all free today.

Okay, but what about you, Paula? Let's talk about you. You look like you've been through about nine or ten divorces or something like that. No, I'm kidding. All right, let's. Let's hear it, Paula. What you been doing with your life? Life? I've been on Steve Harvey before. What were you doing on Steve Harvey's show? Divorcing Pee Wee Herman. Yeah, she said she was on Steve Harvey. Put it together.

I submitted and asked Steve. Okay. And then they called me and they interviewed me, and then we did that on the show. Okay. All right. What. What was the. What did you want to ask Steve? It was. It was probably back in, like, 2015 or 16, but it was something about. It was when one of our kids was in college and.

He. He lived in Walk up, and we had never been in the place, but we were paying the rent and he.

Wouldn'T let us in. We had to sit on the stoop. And so that's what the question was regarding. And then Steve Harvey went. All right, Paula. Jesus, this is amazing, Paula. Sorry. You sure you've seen this show, Paula? Yes. Okay. All right. How many kids do you have? Two. What did you do for work your entire life? Wife. She's got all the kids. She's the child catcher. Hold on. Okay. All right, enough of the. I'll do it again. Watch it. Okay, we got. All right.

Answer the question, Paula. I did. I tried. I was a fitness trainer for a while. Okay. Fitness trainer. And then what, you got married, stopped working, had kids? No, I. It was when my kids were older. Okay. How old are your Kids now. One is almost 40 and. And one is in his 30s. Okay, cool. And you have a boyfriend now? I'm married. You're married. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? I don't. Okay. Jesus Christ, Paula, Here's a little joke book. Get out. Out of here. Get off of me. Here's a little joke, but can you catch? Here we go. Oh, boom. She's an Olympian. Paula, great catch. She really is an athlete. Jesus Christ. Some wild bucket pulls tonight, folks. This is what the show is. Sometimes it's Home Run Derby, and sometimes it's Strikeout City. You never know what's gonna happen here. All right, it appears to be your final bucket pull of the night. Your third female comedian of the night goes by the name of Jenny Ann, everybody. Here we go.

Hi, everybody.

Hello. So I've been thinking about my celebrity doppelganger, and I finally found it.

It's the nerd emoji.

Yeah, I've been a nerd for a really long time. Back when the Internet asked women one question, you probably know, was it hot? Were you hot or were you not?

Yeah, I was. On a scale of one to ten, and I was a nine. Yeah, don't laugh. I was nine years old.

Okay, Epstein.

Now I'm an adult, and the Internet asks me more questions like, what's your name? What's your Social Security number? Are you a girl boss or are you a trad wife? And I'm like, I'm single and tired.

I'm so exhausted. I'm outsourcing all my decisions to AI.

I'm scared. I'm actually turning into a robot eventually. I think the question might be not are you hot or not, but are you a bot or not?

Yeah. Thank you, God. Fucking strike me down, just split my fucking throat out. I think I might be able to save this one. Can I see your picture here? If you do the thing, I'm going to blow my brains out. Oh, my God. You're going to.

All three today, children. I saved it off. I saved. That is amazing. Jenny Anne, you've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, I sold a silver 69 Mustang on your show. Oh, that's right. You pitched a 69 Mustang and then you ended up selling it. Yeah. To a dad and his sons. And they're gonna fix it up. Nice. Very good. How exciting. What else is going on in your life, Jenny? You've had enough time to maybe think about what else you could have talked about in the interview portion of the show. Since the last time you Were on any fun facts about your life or anything interesting about you? I don't. I don't know where to begin.

Any one of the things would be where to begin.

Any one of the things.

I used to run a lot, and I ran in college. And then after college, I was briefly a shoe model for HOKA Shoes. Oh, wow. Yeah. How much did that pay? How much does a shoe model pay? Is your face in the things or is it like. Like. No, you know.

We were chased by a giant marshmallow to explain how soft HOKA shoes was. Wow. Well, I have good news. The giant marshmallow sits right next to me now. This is him. Damn you Ghostbusters. I know. Well, isn't it like a shoe model? Like. Like a mannequin could do that, right? Like, you don't. What? Yeah, I mean, we just. It's just the shoe. It was just us. We, like, ran around on a track in, like, a giant marshmallow. How about anything else interesting about you, Jenny Ann? Anything else about your life?

What's your dating life like? You seem like the third craziest woman that's been on the show tonight.

Thank you. My dating life is.

I'm starting to date more, so that's good. What are you doing to do that? Are you on the apps or something? Yeah, I am on the apps. Okay. Is your avatar the nerd emoji?

What does your bio say on these apps?

Basically looking for someone who likes to make things and go on long walks and get coffee. Wow. So boring. This is one foxy dork right here, Tony. Jesus Christ. It is. Are we hitting it off? Off? Yeah, like, keep looking at me. I'm married. I can't, but God damn. No, I still think she's, like, a dominatrix or something. Like how she's something, you know, I think she's got a Gilligan's island fetish. Oh, another super topical Harlan reference. We've eked our way to the early 70s, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm this close to pulling out the lollipop. Oh, my God. All right, so, Jenny, give us an example. Like, the last date that you went on, what was that? You. You matched with somebody and then you met them for coffee or something? Yeah, we went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake. Okay. Don't worry. I'm not the Lady Bird Lake killer. All right, keep going. Keep going. Jenny, that's not funny. Just keep going. It's just crazy. It's crazy what's going on here tonight. It's the least funniest People like. I'm going to sign up for Kill Tony. I've never had narcolepsy, but I think I'm about to get it real quick. Fall asleep, that's what. Okay, let him sleep before he does the lollipop. Sleep.

All three today, children. All right. Okay. So, Jenny, you went for a walk around Ladybird Lake and then the date. What happened? I told him about what I did last week. Huh. What did you do the week before? I went to Las Vegas to help sell AI guns. Okay, all right. Okay. So then. Then what happened on the day. Jenny, Jesus. God.

Just somehow I made him laugh. I don't. All right, Tony, she's boring. Yeah, it is incredible. God damn. She's.

Jenny, last. Last question I could possibly ask you before we. I think. I think this might be a new thing. Just the new wait a year program before I put you on a year of no sign up allowance. Bring back blacklist. Give us something interesting about your entire life. Anything could work right now. Anything.

It was the car, wasn't it? You sold a Mustang and that was it. That was your entire personality last time you were on. And now you're back. Yeah, I'm back. What I get. You've seen the show before. I watch it every Monday. And you see, like, I'll ask somebody a question and then they'll answer honestly and I'll say something. Answering honestly. Okay. Most interesting thing about your life. 200 body count.

Again. We keep answering for you here, Jenny Anne. You're not saying anything while claiming that you're answering honestly.

It's normally not this hard. You can say anything, any thing. Any thing about your entire life. Life. I don't. I think it's interesting that I sold AI guns last week. Okay, there she goes. Jenny Ann. A year. You'll have to wait a year to see her big return. Holy.

There she goes.

Golly gee, what the.

You know, if I was a fan of this show, I'd be thinking, maybe it's burnt out. You know what I mean? Maybe, just maybe, maybe they ran their course. In the end it was just a bunch of crazy people signing up for the chance to do a minute. But let me remind you, we find stars almost every other week or so. There's another absolute monster. Monster comedian that we find. Dedrick Flynn has the week off. He's in Atlanta with his family.

For those of you that. That. That are fans of the show, may I say we have a book to recommend. The great Louis CK Wrote a book. It's called Ingram, everybody. I read It. It's amazing. You should read it. Why not read a book while listening to your favorite podcast, Kill? Tony? How about a hand for Louis ck, ladies and gentlemen? It's an amazing book. You're gonna love it. Harlan, what were you gonna say? Say there? No, it's the moments past. I was going to say this was more, like, entertaining than. Yeah, it literally was the highlight of her set. It was the most interesting thing she did. Really? Yeah.

Anyway, we can always count on our regulars. The great Ari Maddie performed earlier, and the only way to end a show like this is with the hall of famer with the record from the most appearances on this show, the most interviews during the show in the show's history, and he is here again, ladies and gentlemen, closing us out. It's the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the.

The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

Did y' all know that a woman discovered Kevlar and then she said, I'll just turn this into a little vest.

I recently asked ChatGPT if AI would one day replace Red Band's job as podcast producer, and it responded. You mean Red Band hasn't been replaced yet?

I watched Donnie Darko dubbed in French the other day, and I definitely didn't know what the fuck was going on.

My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to sit on the couch and watch Bravo bra. My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to call the American Idol hotline and issue a bomb threat bra. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony O. In and out. William Montgomery. William, have you watched any of tonight's show? Have you seen any of it? Sometimes you're saw just a little of it. I haven't been paying attention, but what a bunch of. Bunch of kind of weirdo kind of people, right? Yeah, psycho bitches. Yeah, psycho. That last girl, she seemed strange when she was walking out at. I just touched her shoulder, just trying to be nice. And then I went on with what I was doing and I turned around and she was just sitting there staring at me. And I was like, okay, keep walking. I was trying to be nice. I was trying to be nice. What the. It is wild proof that the bucket is real, that anything can happen. Because if these things were pre picked or produced at all, clearly none of. None of that. I like Demo Majak, the Extra Extremely Black Man.

And. And yeah, the. The Caddy, the. The Jack McWilliams was fun, but. And then it's just you and Ari Maddie. Yeah, well, I've been so Busy up there. I've been hanging out with Ari, Maddie's friend, also from Estonia. He will not get off my back in the green room. He's. It. It's Tony. It's. There's an Estonian comedian that's annoying you in the green room. It's really. No, I'm kidding. He's been very nice. I only briefly said hello, but he seemed. Oh, yeah, I don't. What have I been doing up there tonight, Tony? I'm trying to even think about what I've even been doing up there tonight.

Not a lot. You're asking me what you've been doing in the green room while we've been taping the show? Huh? Nothing.

All right, William, how's life been going for you? What have you been. Not good, Tony.

Well, it's not funny. No, not good. I gotta snap out of it. I haven't done the row machine in three weeks. I've been fucking. What made you stop rowing? My sciatic nerve. And then I just. I was worried I wasn't. I was gonna just stop doing it. Now I've just stopped doing it. So I've got to get back. I've been in this horrible, horrible funk. I've been in it for three weeks now. So I just gotta get out of it, Tony. I've been on fucking ebay. I've bought all the fucking oriental rugs I can literally fit in my place. And now I'm on to lamps. Now I'm buying a bunch of lamps on fucking ebay. But I'm a little worried because I got this really cool kind of old school looking ashtray and I got the package finally arrived today and it was broken. Why didn't you buy it from me, William? We're fucking friends, man. Yeah. You could go to Nick Rochefort's antique store at. At Shamanic. Are you talking about. You told me. No, you don't have very good looking rugs. I looked at your rugs, dumbass. I. I have good looking rugs. Yes, great rugs. C H M O N I X House. Chamonix house. And you went on ebay behind my back? Yeah, I got on ebay. And they smell like. All of them smell like. They all smell moldy. I should have bought one for. What kind of lamps have you bought off ebay this week? Oh my gosh. I got one that looks like a duck. A. A brass looking duck. I've got a one that looks like another oriental. It's another oriental thing. It's a. Looks like a. It's Some sort of cookie jar. It's some sort of jar that. That. Yeah. I gotta get a. Gotta get a lampshade. So I've been looking on this lampshade website, and that's real kind of boring. I mean, they got different kind of lampshades. They got ones that kind of look like a. A cylinder.

They also got ones with like a small top.

Yeah. What else? What other kinds do they have? I don't know. They're all make. Make something up here. It's getting laughs. Like spherical.

More. Yeah. There's also fiber optic stuff.

Yeah, I'm. I'm getting fiber optic out in my apartment. Tony.

Sorry. Yeah, it was just so boring. It's hard to even do that. I heard I saw something on social media the other day that you were sitting in your living room the other night and an owl smashed into your window. Is that true? It is true and it's very weird. I didn't know if it was a demonic kind of thing. I didn't really understand because I've literally in my car recently on all these birds hit my side window. Oh, my God. Literally when I met like a red light, birds will just start going into my side window. And now it's happening in my apartment. And now it's happening with owls, now it's happening with hawks, now it's happening with all different kinds of birds they have around here. Seriously, you're not getting offred Hitchcock, are you? Another old reference. Oh, it's the late 50s. No big deal.

You want to go to Arby's later? Yeah. Double beef and cheddar. Ooh, Steak bites. I love the RB Steak bite. Oh, you do? What else do you love from Arby's? Jamoka shake tonight. Whoa. No, but that's all I really love. I really do love a jamoka. Shame. That's why they just do that right there. What do they call. No, nothing else from art. What do you call them? A jamoka. Shay Carla.

That's how I ordered them. And the birds are flying into my window. Dying. Seriously, it's been a weird. That's why I've been down recently, Tony. It's weird. Birds have been flying into your windows. Correct. And it's. Now it's on some social media stuff. There must be. You heard about that, Har. I saw that. I also heard an ostrich. An ostrich ran up your ass.

Is. Is there something that you're leaving out, perhaps? Do you have some type of food that you've left out? The. Why would birds fly into your windows. Have you. Is there something going. Energy thing, I think, Tony.

Wow. Worried about. Yeah. Don't they say a bird flies into your house? It means somebody's going to die. And I don't want to be morbid, but isn't that like a thing? Yeah. God, I've been watching a whole bunch of fucking police cam videos. That's what I've been doing. And dear Lord, Tony, right before this again, I kind of haven't been feeling great. And I'm watching this one I didn't even click on. The next video just goes on and it's these two police officers and there's this crazy guy won't roll down the window. And he. To give the light the driver's license. And then they end up breaking out the window. And then he shoots the one guy in the neck in the stomach. And then it shows a process of them blocking off the roads with the other police cruisers from their police scams. It was police scams everywhere, but it. It kind of didn't help my mood before I got here.

What's that got to do with a bird?

A lot of people say you laugh like an owl.

Okay. Well, I mean, stupid. Recommend the book Respond Ingram by Louis CK One more time since a lot of people have decided to take up reading instead of watching Kill Tony, we want to say a fond farewell to the millions of people that believed in us for a long time. William, you might have to start rowing again, buddy. Yeah, I have to. Yeah, I have. Yeah. Well, do you think I noticed that three weeks ago you stopped rowing? Three weeks ago was also about the same timeline as that one show that you did? Do you think. Do you think.

Do you think there's any correlation to you stopping working out? Birds flying into your windows? Do you think there's any correlation between what is being considered, you know, a very viral moment for you and all of these things? Birds flying into your windows, owls, all these tearing up. He's tearing up. No, he's not. Oh, my God.

Are you trying to make yourself cry? Some witchy put a spell on you? Will. William, are you trying to make yourself cry right now? Some witch. William, don't try to make yourself cry. This is the first in the history of the show. William has never gone to act acting school. He's never taken an acting class. He's never talked to an acting coach. And he's trying to make himself cry. I was really crying the other morning. Tony, tell us why you were crying. No, come on. It's. It's okay. You tell us. No. Come on. No, I could never. Not in this situation. No. All right, fine. Yeah, well, the world.

What the. No. You stupid.

Somebody killed this guy. There it is. William Montgomery. This has been another episode of Kill Tony brought you by ExpressVPN and Shopify. The Moody center is New Year's Eve. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, a Timmy. No breaks. Look at that.

Guys, make sure you listen to the Harland highway podcast with Harland Williams. Harlan, anything else you want to plug? You're on tour. I'm on tour. I'm doing theaters with the killers of Kill Tony. And in 2026, I will be doing my own Commzilla comedy tour all over the country. Check out Harlan Williams dot com. And lastly, my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman is coming out in 2020, 26th. Keep your eyes open for it. It's gonna be great. Harley directed and wrote the movie. It is incredible. Nick Rort, ladies and gentlemen, is on the Scuffed Real tour. Tell them where they can get tickets for that. You can get tickets@shamonics house.com. i appreciate it. Thank you. Head over there, buy antiques and buy tickets to a comedy show. Like a weirdo. He really does have his own very successful antique store. It is cool as hell. Check out Shamonic's house. C H A M O N I X House on Instagram and the website. Thank you to Expressvpn and Shopify and Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip atx.com Love you guys. We did it again. One more time. Moody Center, New Year's Eve. It's your last chance to see a Kill Tony live. Live in 2025. Thank you, live audience. We'll see you guys again soon. Good night, everybody. SA.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Sa.

Alright, y', all, gather round. Because Monet x change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monat tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture, you missed. Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it Monet X changed in the library Uploading picture of my music theory homework like Gemini, please help a diva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying in the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the goods. Sign up to get more access to Google's most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro. Unlimited image uploads, Pro level image editing, higher limits in NotebookLM, Gemini in Gmail and Docs, two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me, two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warmup, drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plants. Visit gemiini Google students to learn more and sign up. Terms Apply.