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Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony Hitler. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make the noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen, and the best damn band in the land. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. How about a hand for Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Leo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez. That's where you would clap. Matt Muhling, John Dees, and this is the great D Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. What an episode we have for you this evening. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world and so much in store for tonight. Very excited about it. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This podcast is sponsored by Amazon Prime. The holidays can sneak up on you. You know, work parties, family gatherings, last minute gifts. That's why Amazon prime is a real lifesaver this season. With Prime's fast free shipping, last minute gifting is no stress. Forget a present for a friend or family member. Needs something for tonight's holiday party, prime gets it to you fast, turning holiday panic into a smooth win. I love Amazon Prime. I Prime every day. You know, prime isn't just about speed. It's your secret weapon for making sure you never miss a moment that matters. Wow, red band. That is so touching. This season, you can count on prime to deliver fast during the holidays. Just when you need it most. Last minute gifts delivered. It's on Prime. All right, y', all gather round because Monet X change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monet tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students. Get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed. Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it Monet X changed in the library. Uploading picture of my music theory homework like Gemini Plea to help a diva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying at the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the goods. 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Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show this week. Absolutely no different. I mean, wow. Sometimes it's fun to introduce new people. Sometimes it's fun to have a guy from New York or Philly or LA or somewhere that you've never met before. This one is a homegrown episode. These two guys are absolute kill Tony legends. One of them for being one of the best panelists, one of them for being one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Both of these men, while one of them looks like an American and the other one doesn't. The one that doesn't look like an American is an American. And the one that doesn't look. The one that looks like an American is actually from the land of Estonia. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests are Ari Maddy and Asana. Hassan Ahmad. Ari Matti, the Estonian assassin and the brown bomber. How exciting is this, ladies and gentlemen? Ari. Welcome to back to the panel of the show. Happy to be here. Me and Hassan look like we're planning the next 9 11. This does look like the press conference for that. I'm getting the funding. We almost nailed it all. They shot down. United 93 took a loss there, but we have to plow forward onto the next one 911 press conference. You guys know how the show works. You both know it very, very well. A song with one of the best jokes of 2025. The famous Indian woman's vagina joke. He says, do you want to see what an Indian woman's vagina looks like? And then he goes like that. You guys get it? It's a little slow audience here. It's a hairy vagina, everybody. This crowd. I don't know about this crowd. Might be some locals trying to fucking. I mean, look at the fucking Gucci fucking hoodies. Yeah, I should be with them, douchebag. I should be with these gu. What's up? Uncut gems. What's up? The boys. Earrings and gel. It's a lot. It did look like you guys planned this. Yeah. 100. Yeah. It wasn't planned. That guy says, absolutely incredible. Are those real? You guys really have that? What do you do for a living to have Gucci and you don't work. You retired. You sold your company. What kind of company was it? It was what? Software. Software? What kind of software? What does it do? It's complicated. You sold SAP? What's SAP? SAP. Rich people Always Real vague. We sold it to SAP. We got the gbt. Now we get into ebts. It's a tla. Yeah, yeah. Keep throwing more letters at us. Yeah, I think that's the right answer. You're coming across as a real fag, so you should be able to explain what the company was that you sold. But if you're gonna wear a Gucci hoodie out at night, I mean, you have some explaining to do, sir. Well, welcome to the show, everyone. You guys know how it works. Over 250 human beings signed up for tonight's show. Very exciting. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Yep. Some audience member did it better than the man who's been doing it for 12 and a half years. This is where he panics and just start hitting random buttons for no reason. Anyway, they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There it is. And that interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview with them. They go from being a lucky comedian to being interviewed on the biggest live podcast in the world. They have no idea if they're going to get selected or not. I've pulled the name. We go wrangle them from the bar next door. And in the meanwhile, while that first bucket pole finds out that he, he or she is indeed about to have the opportunity of a lifetime. I have a golden ticket win that's going to show you supposedly how it's done with a brand new 60 seconds. You guys get it. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian. Tonight is the long awaited return of golden ticket winner. This is Mason Bird, everybody. I was walking late at night and I saw these two women walking down the street. And one of them looked at her friend and said, oh, my guy, that guy is so creepy. But the other lady, the other lady looked at her friend and said, it's not like he can catch us. Anyways, I turned around, I fucking stopped. The bitch was right. I couldn't catch her. She was so fucking fast. Uphill, not a good advantage. I was talking to a trans woman, don't ask why. And she asked me, she said, mason, do you believe in trans women? Do you think they're real? And I was like, I view trans women the same exact way I view God. Only in a time of dire need. You will find me on my knees praying, There you go, Mason Bird. Ending with a big applause break there. Was there something else? I'll do a quick little one. Okay. I think abortion should be legal. All right. But every time you get one, you get a teardrop tattoo on your face. Catching bodies out here? No. There you go. Way to set the tone. Mason Bird with the first new minute of the night. Welcome back, Mason. Thank you for having me back, Tony. Absolutely. How's it going? Pretty good. I got fired from Jersey Mike's. Oh, Was it because of talking about it on this show? No. I was 28 days late and they caught me stealing three sandwiches. When you hire you, you know you're gonna steal some sandwiches. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. What are we doing here, Matty? Yeah. What are we doing? You were 28 days late in a row? Yeah. Oh, got it. In a row. I was like three minutes late every day because I hated my boss. It was horrible. Wow. So that's what it takes to get fired from a Jersey Mike's? Yeah. I was also pretty bad at the job. How can you be mad? How can you be bad at making sandwiches? I wasn't very fast. I was always in the back doing something I was supposed to be doing, like eating the cookies or, you know, so I'd mix pops together. They get really mad about that. You mix pops together. If you do, like, Mountain Dew and, like, cherry, you make your own Code Red. If you just look at you. Jesus Christ. A real, real chemistry set over here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It feels like cherry. Mountain Dew is your blood type. Yeah, it's a Mountain Dew live wire, actually. Are there any more wild mixtures or food experiments that you're good at? Food mixtures? Yeah, I love just. I call it doing chopped at the house, where I'm like, let's make tacos, but with potatoes and apples and see what we can get with. It's just like, I'm hungry. I have no food. I've been doing this new thing because I'm trying to lose weight, where if you eat a pizza, you eat the cheese and then, like, the actual bread, it feels like you're eating two slices instead of one. Jesus Christ. Wow. This is incredible. Jesus Christ. That's the fattest thing I've ever heard. Yeah. Hell, yeah. You said tacos and then listed the two most disgusting ingredients for tacos I think I've ever heard in my life. I've been trying a new thing. A potato and apple taco. Oh, yeah. So you put those in a taco shell or you're using the potato as the shell? I should do that. It's such a good idea, dude. I should flatten it and fry it and make it into a tortilla. I have good vacuum ideas. I. I have some. I was really. I came home a little bit tipsy the other night and I made myself a sandwich in the middle of the night. You would love this red band. This was so you. This is the most you thing I think I've done all year. I had a sandwich and the only. I looked at my fridge and there's a, you know, a little, you know, one of those yogurt. There's, like a little yogurt there. And I open the yogurt and I have the sandwich, but I forgot to grab a spoon, so I fucking started dipping the sandwich straight into the yogurt. Ate it, dipped it. Normal shit. Oh, normal. Ok. Is that a normal fat guy thing, Mason? I mean, I'm fat, but. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's wild. That's. It's funny. I eat like a fat guy sometimes and look at me. God loves me. What do you think? The fattest. What is one of the guiltiest fattest? Like, just ab. What you. Where you're like, God, I can't believe myself. Oh, he's ready. Here we go. So what I do is I'll get like a. Like a party size bag of Doritos and then I'll cut the top off. Like, not the top, like the side. So you get like a bowl and then you put meat. You just make a bag of nachos. All right. Sad. All right. What A party at Frito Pie, but with Doritos. Pretty much. Exactly. Red Band is the senior disgusting food correspondent here live on the scene. How about you? Do you have any confessions? I mean, you literally have no shame in your game. You post in the middle of the night. I mean, my favorite, of course, the. The classic. You take an Olive Garden breadstick and you put your finger all the way through it. So you hollow it out and then you just pour Alfredo sauce inside of it. Holy. It's like a gusher. An Italian gusher. Oh, my God. Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. It's a fan off. Your turn. Yeah. What do you got? It's a fan off. How do you top that? Big boy. Big boy. Oh, man. Fuck. I got to try that later. He's hard as a rock right now. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he has a blatant direction at the thought of a hollowed out Olive Garden breadstick filled with Alfredo sauce. Do you eat that or have sex with a red man? There you go, Mason. Anything else crazy happening in your life? Let's see. Half black sister. Half black. She's addicted to huffing keyboard duster. So that's a fun thing we're doing. What? Keyboard duster. It's like whipped, I guess. Oh. Oh, yeah. So she's half black. So you guys have the same mom? Yeah, my mom came back. What do you mean? She's older. So they. What? They say once you go back, you never come back. Oh, yeah. You have an older half black sister. And what does this. Computer duster addiction. How is this affecting her life? She got into a car accident because she was huffing and it made her pass out with her kids in the car. Oh, boy. Wow. Sorry, Shelby. Sorry. Wow. I used to do that too. Like. Wait, what? Wow. Our stuff. Senior top pig correspondent is here. I could tell you from the Midwest too, because of this and pop. But we used to shoplift keyboard cleaners for Myers and we would hit it, it'd be like poor people with whippets. Pretty much. Wow. And my friend did it while he was driving and he passed out and I had to pull up the emergency brake and we crashed his car and he Blamed me for it. I'm like, dude, we're going towards a train. Like, what the. Wow. Absolutely amazing. Have you ever taken Olive Garden breadstick? Emptied it and sprayed computer duster in it and then inhaled through the Olive Garden breadstick. Waiting. Cuz we could hit black belt levels of pigotry. Mason, you had a solid minute. Anything else for Mason, guys? I love that trans God joke. So good. Yeah, it was. It was good. It was a really good one. Trans God joke is. And. And it was impressive. After you. You did the joke after everyone gave you the applause for that one. And you. You landed that as well. I thought that was really tough. Awesome. Yep. Great stuff. Mason, you're showing the difference between a golden ticket winner and a red pole. And this is the part of the long one where we go to the bucket, everybody. The hollowed out bread and butter of the show, if you will. The bucket. Now, this is where we meet people. Anything can happen. They could be the future. It could be an insane person. Ladies and gentlemen, your first Bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Luke Aaron, everyone. Luke Aaron. I think that people need to stop making fun of Lizzo. I mean, she's one of the most popular artists of our generation. And I just heard that she's starring in a new anime show. I'm not sure if y' all have heard of it. It's Avatar, the Last Chair Bender. I think it's funny that people use the same word of the thing that turns them on. Also as an insult. Like, a girl will be like, I need some dick right now. And then she'll also be like, that guy's being such a dick. But then guys will do it too. They'll be like, you know, I can't wait to get some pussy tonight. And then they'll be like, bro, why are you being such a pussy? But, I mean, I'd be lying if I said that I don't also do that because I say to my friend, come on, man, why you being such a retard? You know, I'm sorry if that joke offends you. I'm just looking for my special someone. Thank you. That's all I got. Okay. Luke Aaron, Ari. Matty. Number one. How long have you done stand up? Sorry. Like four months. Like, four months. Number one suggestion to everybody who watches Kill Tony. And everyone's done this when they start. Stand up. Yes. The mic stand is the focus point of the vision of the crowd right now. That needs to be out of the way as soon as you get on Stage, move it over as soon as you get on. Right now, half the crowd look at him. They look at the stick. I don't even see your cool hat. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's just a suggestion. Thank you. And you got to put the mic up closer to your mouth. Okay. I'm sorry. Command and control of the room. Okay. Okay. There you go. Also, hold it more naturally. You're like. It's creepy. Yeah, sorry. There you go. Okay. Okay, okay. So, Luke, let's talk about it. What made you. How old are you? I'm. I just turned 26. 26. What made you want to start stand up a few months ago? Well, I was just. I had two jobs after I graduated college. I was hating them, and so I wanted to try something fun. What were the two jobs I had? I was managing a restaurant, and then I had a sales job. Okay. What was the restaurant? It was in Greenville. It was called Sully Steamers. And what. What. What type of food did they have? It was like a. It was like. What was it called again? Solly's Steamers. Solly Steamer. It's. It's not a sponsor. Gucci guy's asking question. Shut the up. Gucci guy. Was that in South Carolina? Shut the up. Dude, you. God, I hate you. It's r. Okay. It's rich people attitude. No mic in the crowd. So tell me. Look at him with his pink drink. This entitled Gucci hoodie pink drink. Just asking his own questions. Like he's on panel tonight. God, I hope you get hit by a car after the show. Get him. So, Luke. Yes, sir. One job was the salty steamer, which sounds like a gay sexual maneuver. It was. And the other one was a sales job. What were you selling? I was selling windows and doors. Windows and doors. Well, that must have been easy. Everybody needs windows and doors. No, sell me a window or a door. Right? Door to door. Yeah, Just go to someone that doesn't have a door. Like, hello, Is anybody in there? Good news for you. Do you feel a draft in the building? Exactly. So how would you do windows and doors? Would you go door to door? Was it a phone call job? No, it was even worse. It was like I was. I was the kind of person that's, like, standing when you're about to go into a store and, like, try to get your attention. Oh, you have that face, by the way. Thank you. It's always cutie patooties, like. You okay? Yeah. They want to talk to me about. That's the worst. That's the Worst insult I've ever got. So let's hear it. Let's say a guy like Hassan is walking up to. Where would you be? Lowe's. Or something like that. Assume he didn't have a home. Right. But there you go. Okay. Luke. Luke with his biggest punch of the night right there. Thank you. Thank you. Quick on his feet. But seriously, obviously, he would need windows and doors for a building I need to take down. Okay? So I would say I'm a willing customer, so I'd be like, hey, how old is your home? That's how you open. So I knew he didn't have one. I knew he didn't have one. This is your home. Yeah, exactly. I know, I know. Yeah. And then I would say, and then, how old is your, you know, daughter? That was my. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Forget it. Forget. Okay. Too far, Too far. I would say, how old is your home? And then they would say, you know, it's this many years old, which would mean it was either wood or vinyl. And then I would say, oh, so I'm guessing there's draftiness or rust or whatever it was made of. It was. I hated it. All right. Yeah. I could see comedy. I hate it. That's what I'm trying. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, so, Luke, you're 26. You just started this. What have you learned in your few months of doing standup, of doing open mics? What surprises you about this industry? Tell it to the people at home. I'm surprised how many people are trying it that are horrible at it. Right. And you are part of that. No, I know, but it's good. Too many windows, not enough mirrors. Asana mod, this is. The lights have been activated, ladies and gentlemen. Hasan has activated the light lights. That means that the lighting and sound guy in the back found that hilarious. A song. All right, so, Luke, Aaron, here you are. You're chasing your dreams. What else surprises you about the industry? You do a lot of open mics? Not enough. Why haven't you been practicing? Why haven't you been trying hard? Luke, part of me is scared that people will steal my jokes. Christmas is around the corner. I know. I know. Better. I'm better at writing them than delivering them, to be honest. But, I mean, I just wanted to get a job doing something that I actually enjoy, and, you know, so that's why I'm here. But I still. I know I need practice. I should hit more open mics. But I've just been working a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Working at what? I. A guy just the other week said he works at. Well, should I say it? Will I get in trouble? I don't know. I work. I don't know what you're about to say. You could be Jersey Mike. Hotel and resort type deal. A hotel and resort Here in Austin? Here in Austin. Okay. And is that. Are you having fun doing that? You know, it's a job. Pays the bills. Geez, I don't love it. It's not. Not my dream. What's your love life like, Luke? I actually. I actually have a girlfriend. And we just did our three month anniversary. Three month anniversary. There's grown men cracking up at that. Wow. So what is the. You've got yourself in a trap, buddy. If you have her counting on the 27th or whatever being a special day every month, I figured. I know, I figured that like. Like if I turned, you know, 37 and I'm still like, I'm trying to become a comedian, then that might be like a red flag, but 26. You still got some room to. You got some wiggle room. What does this have to do with your. Well, I didn't hear what you said. How did you know? So like you said that you just celebrated. So you just answered a random question. Yeah. You know, up in 11 years. This isn't working out. Well, that's why I did it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, Luke, I hear them sleigh bells. All right. Right. So Luke, you said that you just celebrated your three month anniversary. Yes. How did you know it was your three month anniversary? What date does that land on? Oh, the 29th. Okay. So I was close, by the way. So how did. How did that start. You started dating on the 29th. Did you ask her like you were like, you want to be my steady girlfriend? Yeah. And that happened three months ago. Three months ago on the 29th. So then after a month, you're like, oh, it's the 29th. I gotta do something special for her. She definitely reminded me. Okay, so what did you do on the 29th, your first anniversary? This is very. I bought her a necklace. Oh my God. One month. That's all it takes? Four weeks of trickery to get a necklace from you. I know, I know. Four weeks of straight trickery, ladies. You get a necklace out of this guy, all you have to do. It was on sale. Well, my favorite part of that was listening to all the men in the audience slowly start to lose respect. Oh, exactly. Oh yeah. Exactly what little they had left. Okay, so let me ask you this. This is the huge million Dollar question. What did you do for her on the two month anniversary? What some people would call the paper anniversary or perhaps the yarn anniversary. You've heard of these gold diamonds over platinum? This would be the yarn anniversary. The two month. Normally it is a string of yarn. What did you do on the two month anniversary? Argued. Ah, hell yes. Looks like that necklace wasn't on sale quite enough. That's true. Do you bring your girlfriend to the open mics too? No. You're scared they're gonna steal her? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Okay, here's the billion dollar question. The world wants to know. Luke, the three month anniversary just passed a couple days ago. What did you do on the three month. There's this cool Texan guy like, come on, Luke, we're rooting for you, buddy. This guy's rooting for you right now. What did you do for her on the three month anniversary, AKA the Oxygen anniversary? Argued. Really? Is this true? So you've. No. I mean, I don't remember. What did we do on the three month anniversary? We probably went for a walk. Wow. I don't know. Okay, what have you guys argued about the most? Just tell the truth. This is the vulnerable, compelling part of the interview. That's what makes this show different. I'm like. Well, I'm. I grew up like super religious, so I'm. And I'm just trying to like go into like the real world and date like regular people. So I'm having trouble with. Explain to us exactly what you mean by that. Be very specific. I mean it's your argument that you got into. So you will know the answer to this question. You don't want. I don't want to say too much. Come on, it's okay. Well, I mean, just like she'll understand. You're on a big show. My sisters had to wear skirts past the knee. So. Yes. You know, and the only great. There's a guy booing skirts below the knee right now. So you know, I'm like, if her on her Instagram, there's bikinis. What's your Instagram? What is Red Band wants to know. Jealous. Be careful. Red might invite him to the secret show. You know, there's. I mean there's a whole bunch of. What? That? Yeah. I don't know. Well then she goes. I went, I had, I went to like a super small Christian school. Yeah. And then she goes to a big school. Lot of. Anyway, what did that lady say? What? Mormon or Amish? That's what she said it was Independent Fundamental Baptist. Oh my God. Jesus. Christ. So you only want to use the back door, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Wow. Yes. Amen. Wow. So what types of things? What's the most religious thing you ever had to do? Is that really how long I've been interviewing this fucking guy? Jesus? Well, I mean, I mean I grew up going to church Wednesday, Sunday morning, Sunday night. And then the school was part of the church, so anyone that like wasn't really involved in the church was like an outsider. So anytime I even like I'm going to the grocery store, I'm thinking like, those people are like lost people. And the goal is to recruit. Tell the recruit. Recruit. Exactly. Recruit them. You would go up to them and you'd be like, so, and how old's your, how old's your home? Exactly, exactly, exactly. Yes. How old is your church? How old is your church? Wow, that is crazy, Luke. So what do your parents think about you dating for three months? What you seem to think is a straight up hooker. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Actually, I, I, she's a. By the way, that exactly you just said is what's going to get you in trouble. I know that's going to be the part right there, but it was, was funny. Everyone enjoyed it. No four month anniversary? No. Yeah, no four month anniversary, but yeah, we'll see. We'll see. I actually she, they met her. I, I brought her home with me for a wedding. What did she wear? Not enough. Wow, look at that. Well, Luke, a very compelling interview. Welcome to the art form of standup comedy. Here's a little joke book you're four months in. Sign up again, Luke. Congratulations. Old lucky Luke getting up four months into his youthful career, barely practices. Oh my God. That sound can only mean one thing. Make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Brilliant, smart, beautiful, charismatic. Tits. Tits. Who loves tits? There you go. Hello again, our dear friends. The holidays are in full swing and so are the grinches out there trying to steal your data and personal information. This is the busiest season for online shopping, so hackers are putting in overtime. But there's a simple and easy way to protect your data and sensitive information. ExpressVPN. 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Redban so if you want to get ExpressVPN at its lowest price ever plus four extra months of service, go to expressvpn.com kill tony that's a price as low as 349amonth plus four extra months of service by going to expressvpn.com kill Tony hello and good day my friends. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Guys, 2026 is the year you launch your business. It's the year you transform into an entrepreneur, founder and boss. One powerful move puts your future firmly in your hands. Starting a business with Shopify. Maybe you've got an idea that you can't shake. Craft. Everyone tells you to sell a store you've already designed in your head. With Shopify, 2026 is when you finally make it happen. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person. It's why millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from household names to first time business owners just getting started. Hell, if it's good enough for Mattel Gymshark and a red band. Tony I love Shopify. It's the best e commerce platform hands down. Shopify gives you all the tools to easily build your dream store. Choose from hundreds of beautiful templates that you can customize to match your brand. Set up is fast and Shopify's built in AI tools that write product descriptions and headlines and help you edit product photos. That's right, Red Band I was listening to every word you said in 2026. Stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony that's shopify.com kill Tony hear your first this new year with Shopify by your side. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. We've seen him before. It's been a while. Make some noise for Charles Adams Jr. Everybody. Let's go. Texas. Texas A yeah. They fucked up my parlay, though. I kind of had them winning. Ain't gonna lie. Yo, man, my brother's getting married next week to a woman. A black woman. Shut your bitch ass up, man. What the fuck? All right, there. Took me a whole two days to write that joke. Motherfucking big ass. Damn. Anyway, we went to the motherfucking bachelor party other night and I got real wasted, I ain't gonna lie. The dancer was dancing and I went to give her $20 and I threw up on a. I mean, I threw up on a pussy, but, like, I caught it in my mouth and I squirted in her pussy. I don't give a fuck. You know how I look? I look like I get fired from a lot of jobs, right? So one time I was bartender and this Indian guy came up to me, hey, my friend, can I have a negroni? I was like, what you call me? Hey, that's my time. All right. Charles Adams Jr. Very interesting. I'm pretty sure that's assault. I'm pretty sure vomiting inside of a stripper's is $20, too. It was squirt. It was a. Wow. Is that real nice? True story. What did she do? She couldn't tell because I put the 20 like. Oh, wow. I tried to cover it up. What an industry. What an amazing industry that these strip club was this. Damn. For real. You want to know? It was perfect 10. Perfect, perfect 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's about a three. Yeah. All right. Can I get my change back? Wow. Did they kick you out or. No, they couldn't text up. I covered it up just enough. Oh, that is. But I did sneak out, though. I did get out. That is incredible. That is. I don't even know what to say about that. Just squirt. And then what did you do? Swallow the rest down or spit it out like, this is disgusting. I just held it together and I got out of the club. It was amazing. Outside, it was a different story. Story Amazing. Yeah. Wow. Well, your one month anniversary is coming up any second with this woman, so might be time to buy a necklace. Charles, you've been on the show numerous times over the past years. Ever since we moved to Texas, man. Tell us how life's going. Been on this spot. This is six times right now, man. It's been doing great, you know? Yeah. Headlining this roast out this right. What happened? Explain. To explain to the people. My minute man, how did he it up? Just like, I was like, shut your tor ass up. This front row is filled with rich, entitled Douchebags tonight. It is quite shocking. I definitely served him a couple drinks before probably some negronis. Sir, if you have. If you yell one more thing out, I'm going to have him vomit on your crotch. Better get it together, Charles. Anything else crazy happening in life, tell us about it, man. Man, I'm let see. I'm working security over at Cap City Comedy Club, you know what I'm saying? Okay, yeah, I'm dealing with some just. I mean, do you have to really deal with anything? It's up at the Domain. It's like a shopping center. I don't know. It's been there for years. I still am yet to even walk into the place. The Cap City. It's in such an odd place in the city. Yeah, but the, the just. Where's the restroom at, boy? Like what the. Why you talk? They call you boy? They call me boy? Yeah, you know what I'm saying? The Domain. Yeah. Just because they like dress like that, they act stupid. To be fair, I don't know where the restroom was, so. It's right there. The handicap restroom is right there. Yeah, man, they with me. But you know, I keep it strong. I don't give a. I still get paid. I still help them out. Are you Maddie? Guys who wear T shirts that say sportswear are never too sporty, are they? What's up, huh? This is a throwback. This is stickums. Okay. I fit anything. I do feel like you've been gaining a little weight. Is that correct? It was just. Thanksgiving just passed, man. Oh, Jesus. You can't blame one day for £60. Yeah, that is. I'm trying to hold it together. You know, you're supposed to cut the turkey. Does the zipper close? That's a good question. Does the zipper on your jacket close? Does the zipper close? I mean, you know, not right now because I'm nervous. It's like. Nah, just stay open. Hey, no, yeah, just stay up. I gotta let people see me, you know. I got a really nice belly button, you know. Charles, what's the craziest? You live by yourself? No, I got a roommate. Okay. Yeah. White boy, white boy. Two bedroom. Oh, yeah. How many bathrooms? Two bathrooms. Two bathrooms. So you have your own bathroom? Yeah. My clean too. Okay. Is he clean? I don't. I'm going this right. Okay, but here's a big question. What do you have in your refrigerator that would surprise us? That's yours. Oh, you know the answer to this. Don't try to think of a number two. We want that first one. Red band don't make a chicken noise. That's so. That is so. That is disrespectful. Do you have chicken in your refrigerator Later? I got baking soda in there. Okay. All right. Here you go. Red Band is an opportunity of a lifetime. It's only six seconds late tonight. He was taking bong rips tonight. That's a new thing he's been doing lately is bong rips before the one thing a week that he does that anybody sees. Nothing more professional than vodka, Red Bulls and bong rips. This is my. This is my partner here, Brian. Redband trunk is filled with bacon fat. I know how to pick them. Fat? Is that what you said? Charles, what's your love life like? My who? Your love life. I mean, it's something. Oh. Single, but you know, something. Yeah, something's happening. I guess it was complicated. I don't. Okay, what's happening exactly. That. Okay, what exactly is going on there? Well, a lot of other guys are that. Oh, okay. Not me. How do you know that? How do you know other guys are your girl? I looked in her dms. I was like, oh, who's you looked at her dms? Hell yeah. Meanwhile, you're puking on strippers. I was stressed. I was stressed. You can't DM a couple of guys. You are puking in at the perfect 10. I was stressed. Take it out on somebody. So how'd you end up finding her DMs? I went to what's. I went through her a tablet. Oh, my God. Look at you. Just looking for trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a tablet. I was like, who the is Tyrone? What the. Oh. Ah. She has a tie. Yeah, yeah. They all black. Oh, yeah. All black. Yeah. It's infuriating, isn't it? I hate it. Yeah, yeah. Get you a good white boy. It let us come up. You can them but like, give me the money. You know what I mean? Yeah. I made. I let her start a. Was it feats the feet finder. Yeah. I was like, get on feet, baby. Are you pimping out your girl's feet? Hold on. I ain't. I ain't going to say it too loud. Wow. Door guy jobs don't pay that much. I'm like, yeah, five. She has nice feet. Wow, you're into feet? You. Her feet? What? Yes, you do. I mean, I suck them a little. Hell yeah. Look at you. You're like San Quentin Tarantino over here. It's a prison and a foot fetish joke at the same time. You're not going to. You can. It's impossible to do that. I just did it to almost no laughter or applause whatsoever. No, it's okay. No, it's okay to be. People online will go, wow, that crowd sucked. Anyway, so when you're you. Her feet sometimes, what else do you do? You. You're. You're a freaky guy. Yeah. You puking and feet. Damn. I be hungry. You know, I. I would expect foot. Yeah. You're into foot longs as well. Fine. Oh, my God. No. All right. Yeah. That's gay. Charles, Fun times. You already have a big joke book, and that's set. This guy threw you off this racist. It's all good. You. Sorry, Charles, I'm robbing your ass in front of this today. This guy's gonna be asking you where the restroom is right after this. All right, there he goes. Charles Adams Jr. Ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving here. These interviews are flying. Time is flying tonight. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Evan Quigley, everyone. Evan Quigley. I'm trying to undo my circumcision. They stole. They stole. They. It's gone. I think I still have enough left for a two and a half or three. Skin. I think that is the N word for vaginas. And queef would be the outward. I love eating pussy. It's like a board game or a game I never get bored of. Specifically, it's like Battleship, you know, I C6 nothing. Cool. Your turn. Necessity. They say necessity is the mother of invention. She must have been desperate or drunk the night rollerblades were conceived. I'm not sure who the father would be in that analogy, but I'm sure he wonders whether or not his son is gay. Okay. Evan Quigley, welcome. Evan, how long you been doing stand up, buddy? Two years. I got a DUI in the middle of it, so I wasn't allowed in, like, bars for open mics. So you weren't allowed in bars? Yeah, I had to wear, like, an ankle monitor that. What? Could have my sweat for alcohol. It's crazy. You don't have to drink at the bar. No, but, like, if someone spilled a beer or something. I'm back. You kill somebody? Hold on. Yeah. Wait, just a regular old DUI here? In the great state of Texas? No, in the great state of Florida. Oh, so in Florida. Yeah. Jacksonville. UI Cap. So was it your first dui? Yes. And on your first dui, they put a strap on your ankle that could sense alcohol. Technology is crazy, man. We're in the future. How up were you? I totaled my car on some train tracks. Ah, so not. So you were like, next to the car when they arrived all up. Yeah, I called the cops on myself, actually. Really? I was worried about the train. I was like, what if I get, like, a terrorist charge or something for blowing up a shipment? You know, supply chains. Wow. Okay. It was dumb. It was dumb. I want to get a tape of that call. Yeah. I don't want to be a terrorist or nothing. Exactly. Wow. Our senior terrorist correspondent usually have to wait till the train is there to crash into it, so that's very. Right. Yeah. Be proactive. So I find this so interesting. I've never heard of a alcohol detecting ankle bracelet before. That's what it was. It was on your ankle. Yeah. And I live in, like, a residential neighborhood, a lot of families, and I got into fitness because I couldn't drink. So I was worried about the judgment of the ankle monitor. And I would put another sock under my sock and do, like, when I'm running, like, leg lifts at the stop sign so people think I'm stuck in the 80s and not like a rapist. I have no idea what you just said. I could. I'll never be able to make that out. Exactly. Even if you repeated it a thousand times, I don't think it would ever actually make sense. Ankle monitors are kind of cool. It was fun. They kind of put people at. You know, people would just point at me and say, ankle monitor. Yeah. So how long did you have to wear it for? A full year. A full year? You couldn't drink? Yeah. And you were afraid that someone would spill alcohol on your ankle, so you didn't even practice comedy. I wrote. I wrote. You wrote? Okay, sir. All right. What do you do for work, Evan? I'm an arborist. I look at trees for people. I don't do anything with the trees. I just tell them that it's sick and they pay me. It's kind of good game. Oh, like a sick tree. What is a sick tree? It's a tree with yellow leaves. You kind of thought about that, huh, didn't you? It can be sick. Are you confusing sick trees with fall? Yeah, exactly. This guy's walking around. These are a bunch of sick trees. A lot of sick trees in September. Have you noticed this business is booming? We need to take all these down. Evan, do you make good money doing that? That pretty good for, like, right out of college? I. How old are you? I'm 20. About to turn 25. 24. 25. You're 24. Okay. I am currently. Very easy question. When do you turn 25? Just out of curiosity, since you said you're about to turn 25 like a 5 year old does when they're about to turn 6. I'm curious now. Same thing with the guy that had the three month anniversary. How soon until your actual birthday? It's in January. January 2nd. Wow. It is right around the corner. You have any big plans for this big birthday of yours? No DUI this year. Are you drinking again? Since everything's off a little bit. Metered it. You've metered it though? Yeah. Metered it. What do you mean by metered it? I. I don't let myself go crazy, you know, like once I start wanting to sing Pearl Jam, I stop. There you go. That's a good joke. That's better than everything you did in your set. I would make that one of your jokes. I will. Okay. There you go. Do you ever talk about wearing an ankle monitor for a year? The leg lift thing? But I don't do that one much. That's, you know, not great. I don't want to portray myself as a rapist, you know, where are you getting rapists from? You said this twice now, and it feels like you're confessing something. Yeah, yeah. No, he's saying rapist. Even with. Even with his job. He was like, I don't like, do anything with the trees. I just like, see if they turn yellow or not. You know, I don't like, touch them or rub up against or stare at them from across the forest for a while and then approach them. This tree. So weak. Yeah, you got bark, but do you have bite? What do you say we branch out of here? I'm an arbor rapist. I'm not. Also a suggestion in comedy. I understand that hats can be like a comfort zone for somebody, but yeah, if you put your hat really low, people can't see your eyes. And your eyes are the window to the soul. And it's really hard to relate. Sometimes guys will put the hat really low. It kind of sets. It's better. Do you always wear a hat? Is that like always? Yeah. Yeah. So maybe put it a little higher. You know, hide the fact that you're a rapist. Yes. Oh, there it is. It's very clear all of a sudden. It's very clear. Evan, what else do you. Do you have any special skills or hobbies or talents or anything like that? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to like, jump rope really well or something. I Wish I try to sing. I've been trying to get out to do karaoke more and see. See if. Here we go. It's a talent, but it's not. Yeah. No, it's not. What else? What's in your pocket? Front pocket. Heavy. Heavy. Heavy pocket. Oh. Oh, that's my joke book. Okay. Yeah, I didn't want to. Nobody saw that, you know. Nobody wants to see it. Yeah, this. This is my hobby. My what? What else? There must be something else. You. You collect anything? Are you a fan of anything at all? I'm a fan of a lot of music. I like. Like Rush. Oh, the band. Rushed a lot. Okay. Been trying to get into movies. I watched Jackie Brown recently. Oh, you just watched that for the first time? Yeah. Amazing. The only movie D Madness likes. He just said, hell yeah. Have you seen it? Hey, here we go. D Madness just said, it's about time. As in you finally said something funny. He'll get you. You try to fucking. You try to make fun of D Madness. He'll get you. But you like. So you like. There's some movies that you like listening to and you can just kind of digest it on D. I love that. Are there any other ones that you can think of? Like the Color Purple? Huh? Death Warrant. Okay. Jean Claude Van Damme. That's interesting. That an action movie. I find that also intriguing. Isn't that interesting? Like hearing men's grunt and stuff? Definitely not. If there's anyone I know for a fact that doesn't like hearing men grunt, it's our famous resident homophobe, D Madness, who hates everything gay. He likes hearing other men getting their ass whooped. Death Warrant, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Evan. Well, you were here. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations, you got pulled tonight. Evan Quigley. We go on and on, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like a new name here. Hello, y'. All. This podcast is sponsored by BlueChew. Not that you need it when you're around a girl like this, but I mean, what you guys have to deal with, you're gonna need it. And they just dropped something crazy. I'm talking about next level championship belt, Gold plated energy. Bluechew Gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand. This ain't your grandpa's little blue pill. This is the four in one beast that's setting the gold standard for performance. And we're talking ingredients for blood flow to keep that rocket pumping. Mixed with apomorphine and oxytocin to turn up your arousal and connection to your brain and body. Bluechew Gold dissolves under your tongue and works in as little as 15 minutes. That means you can get it quicker and stay in the game longer. Elevation without hesitation. This is peak passion and peak performance in a single tablet or red band. Tony I love Blue Chew. They're providing some amazing ED treatment. Ladies, if you're listening, send your man the link and make him a trophy husband with some Blue Chew gold. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options@bluechew.com we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10 off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code Tony. That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. So remember, when you want to get hard, just type in the word Tony. All right, y', all gather round because Monet X Change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students. Get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it Monet X changed in the library. Uploading a picture of my music theory homework like Gemini, please help Aziva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying in the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the goods. Sign up to get more access to Google's most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro. Unlimited image uploads, Pro level image editing, higher limits in NotebookLM, Gemini in Gmail and Docs. Two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me, two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warmup, drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plant. Visit Gemiini Google students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Alexa Irizarry, everybody. Alexa Irizarry. I had a great Thanksgiving this year. I found a Native American guy on Tinder. I celebrated the traditional way by giving him syphilis. It's hard to date as a trans person because here's the Thing. Straight men view trans women the same way they view Taco Bell. They want it when they're drunk. They're ashamed of what it does to their asshole. Dude, I love fucking with straight guys. Cause sometimes they don't realize I'm trans. You know the name for those type of people. So sometimes they'll come up to me and they'll be like, yo, can I buy you a drink? And I look them dead in the eyes and I'm just like, uh, nah, man. I ain't fucking gay. Get it, man, we ain't dealt with that fat shit on this show, right? Hell yeah, brother. You did it, man. It sucks. I can't turn that voice off. Oh, I can't. That's the sound that comes out when I orgasm. Thank you, guys. Holy shit. Alexa Irizarry showing the boys and the girls how to do it. Yes. Absolute dominance. Welcome. Thank you so much, bro. This is like looking in a mirror or something like that. This is my art. Crazy. It's my arch nemesis. It's like my venom. This is my venom. It's Venom. Hinge clip. I love it. Alexa, how long you been doing standup? About five years. That's awesome. See what I mean? Five years. Where at? I started in Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, nice. Look at that. That's where you're born and raised. Yeah. I think I opened for you at one of the glory holes at the truck stops in Warren. Oh, okay. There you go. I've been performing. Performing at a lot of truck stops. This is true. Guilty as charged. Welcome, Alexa. This is absolutely incredible. So five years. How long have you lived in Austin? About four years. Four years. What made you move to Austin four years ago? Comedy? No, I was actually working construction sales because I got fired from doing porn. Oh, my goodness. How did you get fired from doing porn? Well, here's the thing. This is the only thing I learned from doing porn. I am bad at sex, okay? I know this because they flew me into the shoot. They flew me in on Delta. They flew me back in spirit. Oh, my God. This is amazing. So you only did it once? No, I shot for. The company is called Grooby. It used to be called Shemale Strokers. You probably know what it is, but buy that tracksuit. That's all I'm saying. But no, no. It used to be called she Male Strokers, but they thought the name was offensive Again, there goes resident homophobe D Madness. I've seen enough of this. D Madness was like, how many people are doing a set? This, this, this this. This. This be sounding like. Junk off and. Damn. What the is going on in there? Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, so you did a lot of porn shoots? Yeah, because back then, like, trans people couldn't get. Because I'm. I like transition bc. And for y' all good Christians, that means before Christ. For trans people, it means before Caitlyn. Okay, so you're og. You're a throwback. You're. You're like back when trans people used to get, like, bullied and stuff. I know. And that's. That's honestly, I loved it because I can only come when being called a perfect. One more thing that you and I have in common. Absolutely amazing. This is incredible. I've met my match here today. Caitlyn, you're an icon. I love it. Yeah. This is amazing. So, Alexa, what surprised you about shooting porn? Honestly, probably the biggest thing that surprised me is that the. The guy. Will you not on camera. And they get really offended if you don't fake orgasms off camera the same way you do on camera. So, like, when you say fake orgasms, you mean like moaning? Because I don't like sex. Explain what you mean by that. I. I don't. I've been raped too many times to like sex sex so many times. I bought my mom a T shirt. It says, my son got raped four times. All I got was a daughter. Oh, my God. Did. They did. Brought to you by. I don't think now's the time to play the Netflix sound effect. We may have just lost our contract. Right, then let me ask you this. Did the guy that raped you, did he up in a comment on how yellow the trees were getting? Right behind forehand? He was only focused at how yellow my teeth were getting. Okay, all right. That's a wild answer. Alexa, Alexa. So you literally don't like sex? No, I don't. Like. The only thing I ever liked in the bedroom was one time my ex boyfriend got on top of me, put my legs over my head, and they died of a heroin overdose while trying to have sex with you. Yeah, pretty much. I'm from Ohio. You know how it is. Yes, a lot of people do die from heroin overdoses that. Especially in northeast Ohio. I'm six years sober from meth and heroin, though. Okay. All right. How did you. The energy's still there. Thank you. Stays with you. How did you get sober? What helped you get sober? Honestly, him dying, to be quite honest. Oh, okay. I remember. That's actually kind of why I started doing comedy, because one time I was like, I was digging through a trash can while I was on meth at our dealer's house, because, you know, on meth and I was. We were. John Mulaney's special. New in Town was playing in the background. Wow. This is the gayest part of your whole set. This is incredible. That's when you know you have to get your life together. No. Yeah. So I was like, I want to do that one day. And he was like, you're not funny. So then I was like, I want to prove him wrong, you know? So now he's dead. Yeah. I mean, now he's looking up at you from wherever he is, thinking, wow, she really did it. So other than him dying, was there things that you did to. To fill that gap of. Of meth and heroin? Two of what seems to be the most addictive things in the world, probably? Well, besides cock. So, no. Just kidding. But no. I just count, like. No. I got back into what I was, like, doing, like, before I did all that. Like, I started college at 16. I studied Russian language and Mandarin. I was. Wow. Into politics. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger. Can you say things in Russian? Oh, looks like someone's gonna have a pierogi in his ass later. You're about to get a little potato filling up there, huh? Oh, my goodness. Multiple languages. Good at comedy. It's almost like you have the brain of a. Wow. This is amazing. Wow. I love the energy you came out with, by the way. You took over the stage. Beautiful job. Holy. It is incredible. Clearly you are made to do this. My goodness. So how do you make money now, Alexa, I have an only fans. Okay. Not going well. I only have one subscriber. All right. Yep. I pay good money for that. Wow. Where can people find your only fans? You will probably get more now if you want to promote it. Yeah. Jasmine Steel 7 on only fans. Streammate and Strip chat. There you go. Red band just made multiple accounts. Okay, so, Alexa, tell us what else would surprise us about being trans in Texas? You've been here for four years. Is there anything else that you deal with? Do you make a good cup of coffee? I've noticed that trans people make the best baristas. Do you drink coffee? No, those are the non binary. Okay, good to know. I don't know the difference. You could tell by the purple color hair and the annoyingness in their voice. I like that. So you're kind of anti trans. No. Yeah. No, I don't think people. I think it's a mental illness to be quite Honest? Yes. Keep going. Keep going. You're about to become the next president of the United States. Just keep the momentum going. Holy. Keep telling us. You're very close. You could win the 2028 election if you just keep. I just found out you've been booked for Joe Rogan Experience. The Texans in the front are literally like, I'll vote for that bitch. This is amazing. Amazing, Alexa. So you did become. When did you start to feel like a woman? When? In your life? The first time. My dad's dick was inside me. Your actual father? No. I mean, I'm from Cleveland. You think I know my actual father? I don't. I don't know anymore. Honestly. It is one of those things. I do think it's a mental illness. It was from probably my earliest memories. I remember I would always put on my mom's dress hiding in her closet, you know, things like that whenever she was at work. So just from my earliest memories. And then at the time, you had to wait till you were 18 to do it. So just the minute I turned 18, I started hormones. Amazing. What did your mom say about that when that happened? Well, she said, I don't want to live with a freak. And then she kicked me out for a little bit. But she's come around. Honestly, she's one of my biggest supporters, and I love my mom more than anything. Oh, that's amazing. I love that, Alexa. So fun. Anything for Alexa. You're a star. I love it. Thank you so much. Yeah, sometimes I think it's always, like, too late to start stand up, when to start stand up. But you lived such a full life that now you have perspective to tell it, and it's awesome and it shows. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Seems like you're. Yeah. A son. And just the straight up roller coaster that this whole experience was with you. Yeah. From the set being like that to I got raped. I'm off heroin, that the guy died inside of me. You could be president to. My dad raped me. Just amazing to on people with purple in their hair. And you have purple in your hair. There's just a touch of purple back there. There's a little bit back there. You are a. You are a pure entertainer. So funny. So haram. I love it. Hell yes. Alexa, sign up again. Pretty please. Let's see if you can catch this joke book. Oh, got it. Unbelievable. She catches like a man, ladies and gentlemen. Holy. How about one more time for the kill? Tony debut of Alexis. Alexa Irizarry, everybody. Isn't that something? Well, we have momentum, ladies and gentlemen. And your next comedian is one of the newest, most prolific regulars in the show's entire history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Dark Storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn. Killed Tony. I was. I ate an edible the other day, and I started watching the Blind side. What the fuck is that movie? All right, Nobody ever told me this movie's gonna be bullshit when I started it. So you've seen the Blinds eye. You know what I'm talking about. So all the blinds I was supposed to be about was this dude named Michael Oher is a real person and he played football, but he was a homeless teen in Memphis, and he got adopted by a white family, and they get a nigga white privilege, and he made it to the NFL. All right? And that's a beautiful movie. All right, That's a beautiful movie. That is the sequel to Remember the Titans. It's got football in America. Everybody can come together. And then somebody in Hollywood was like, let's make this nigga retarded, right? I don't even like using that word, all right? I don't even like using that word. But they made that nigga retarded. They made it for no reason. Let me tell you the first scene where he get adopted by Sandra Bullock, right? He get adopted by Sandra Bullock. You walk him into the house, they walk him up the stairs, and they walk him into a bedroom, and he goes, what's that? And then Sandra Books says, it's a bed. That nigga know where the bed is. That nigga know where the bed is. I've coached so many retarded. All the fucking specialty. Them niggas go to sleep when they know where to go to sleep. Crackheads make beds out of anything. This nigga know where the bed is. Then later on in the movie, later on in the movie, just to make sure you know, this nigga is dumb as fuck. And it's not a real. He's not dumb. He made it. He's doing good. He made a lawsuit against it and won it just recently. This is the way they fucking did it. They said, hey, hey, Sandra Bullock, your new son that you brought to this private school to play football. We gave him these tests to see where he's at. They said, you got a zero in math, zero on science, zero on social studies, zero on everything. But don't worry, he scored 100% in protective instincts. That's not a test. They give humans who got the highest protective instinct. That's the shit they give the K9s to become police dog. I'm done. Dedrick Flynn with a new 2 minute, 20 second set is only our regulars get to do. Very powerful. The dark storm has arrived. Welcome back, Dedrick. Good to have you back, buddy. God, I fucking miss it. I had a good time in Atlanta, but that whole Monday I was like. I was so used to coming out here. Yeah. From doing it, like week to week, I couldn't wait to fucking get back. Dude, this is so. Fuck this. This club is fucking gorgeous. This fucking stage, the band, everybody's so fucking good. Y' all don't know what it feels like to walk out here, but it is better than drugs. I used to sell them, all right. I used to sell them so I know what they do, and it doesn't do this. All right? This shit is fucking great. I love Fuck yeah. Perfect analysis. It is true. Mondays are weird without the show. Once you're. Once you're part of this thing, Mondays are really weird for Red Ban and I. If we ever, ever randomly have a Monday, what, like seven times, maybe six times in 12 years. Yeah, yeah, that we take one off, but we back tape those episodes so that we can take a Monday off if we ever wanted to. Oh, look at this. Look who sensed a straight man on stage. Here he is d Madness. He heard the blindside on like, they're talking about. Assa A. Oh, my God. Oh, did you hear what I did about you? So, Dedrick, welcome back. Ari, Matty, this is a co regular of yours. Tell the world. Dedrick, you know what I'm about to say. How crazy is it that the day you became a regular, both of our personal Facebooks reminded us that we were at an open mic together seven years ago on that day. How crazy is that? I remember same day. I remember 27. And I remember that open mic that it was horrible for you. It was. By the way, he's right. I smashed that bitch. By way the. You're right, because I remember you killed it. And I remember it's just funny how in comedy you meet somebody and then, like, I didn't see you for. So I didn't even know you live in Austin or something. And I saw you at sunset, I just wasn't sure it's you. Yeah. Because we never really talked. And then you became a regular, so that shows what happens if you just stay persistent and keep writing and keep pursuing your dream. So that's awesome. That is true. I mean, imagine if he would have started and been scared that people were just going to. To steal his Jokes. So he didn't perform that often at all. You sent me a great message and that made me real happy. Like the same night that you said it and I saw you because it was on your Facebook. So I didn't get the message. And you saw me. I thought, actually, the whole Kill Tony mafia family has been fucking great to me. Actually. Last Monday I was at David Lucas's house filming his fishing podcast. This nigga is really rich as this Dave Lucas is the fucking black Georgia Tony Soprano. His house just got shit in it for no reason. And he fat. He definitely is fat. Is that a new grill I'm seeing there? Yeah, yeah, no, I got. I got different now. Oh, I'm. I'm not going he different now. I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I got the Kill Tony tattoo that I got. I told you that I got that. I sent it to you. Got my data that I got made a regular. This is fantastic. I'm making so much money. I bought my mama Uber from Augusta, Georgia to Atlanta, Georgia, on Thanksgiving, there and back. I'm doing good. All right. I couldn't pay to fix the car. I always love to see it. I always love to see the come up. You know, when we first had Cam Patterson on, he said, I'll never stop wearing sweatpants and white T shirts and sandals. That shit ended like three weeks later. He hasn't worn it since. When David Lucas became a regular, he also got a new grill. It was a George Foreman and he made everybody grilled cheeses. He got terrible teeth too. David Lucas does. Yeah, David Lucas got bad teeth, but he cooked good. Okay, wait, did you just add another layer of grill? Just do like a magic trick or something. Well, well, here. Here. The thing is, Tony, I'm not going to lie to you. I already talked to the man. We was working on this song that we want to do right now for Kill Tony. Right now. We going to debut it right now. Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, shit. Hey, yo, Mike, Give it to me. How about a hand for Dedrick Flynn? Came up on the money just to kill Tony. I showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony. I'm making blue facts. That's on red, man. I'm making blue stats. That's on red band. I'm making foreign money. I gotta call to Ari. My pocket's looking good. You can call them hottie. Get my pockets fat. David Lucas. Yeah, my pocket's tat. I'm talking David Lucas. Yeah, yeah, my pocket's fat. I'm talking David Lus. First pull, first round, regular My sense is good but ain't none of them regular I show up on a Monday just to kill Tony Me here y' all showed up on a Monday just to kill Tony I shot up on a Monday just to kill Tony I shot up on a money just to kill everybody I shout up on a m Got. Wow, that's amazing. I'm so glad you did a song. I thought you were gonna rob everybody for a second. Nah, I'm doing good now, Tony. You, you. Y' all niggas is lying online. I love it. Yeah, you. They tried to slander me. Cut the mic. There it go. When I got this tattoo they tried to slander, they said, why would you do that? I said, nigga, if your bank account look like Heidi, you would feel just like me. N. Oh, my God, I love it. Dedrick, you are absolutely killing it. Ari, what do you think about this guy? They do love grills in Atlanta. Yeah, you win with me. Atlanta is the only place where I've seen a sign that says grills on happy hour. Yeah, I didn't know grills was a decision that you just walk past and see a sign and you're like, ah, I'd be like that. There's a lot of white people in here. These gold teeth are called grills. I know you was looking at me. You like, I got a green egg in there, and a green egg. That's how you talk. Is that how he talks? Cuz I can look at him and tell. Yes, it is. He's. He hasn't been able to shut up all night. He is so that he didn't know what a bed was, let's put it that way. Dedrick, you are absolutely the man. Welcome back. We'll see you again next week. The unstoppable force that is Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. All right, y', all gather round. Because Monet X change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now, listen, the girls over at Google said, monet tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students, get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And, baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it Monet X changed in the library. Uploading a picture of my music theory homework like Gemini, please help a diva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying at the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the goods. Sign up to get more access to Google's Most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro unlimited image uploads Pro level image editing, higher limits in NotebookLM, Gemini in Gmail and Docs. Two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me, two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warmup, drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plants. Visit Gemini Google slash students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply. This podcast is sponsored by Amazon Prime. The holidays can sneak up on you. You know, work parties, family gatherings, last minute gifts. That's why Amazon prime is a real lifesaver. This season, with Prime's fast free shipping, last minute gifting is no stress. Forget a present for a friend or family member. Needs something for tonight's holiday party. Prime gets it to you fast, turning holiday panic into a smooth win. I love Amazon Prime. I Prime every day. You know, prime isn't just just about speed. It's your secret weapon for making sure you never miss a moment that matters. Wow. Red band. That is so touching. This season, you can count on prime to deliver fast during the holidays. Just when you need it most. Last minute gifts delivered. It's on Prime. And back to the bucket we go. We have a one word name. This is always interesting. It's either usually great or horrible. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Mitch, everybody. Here comes the Mitch. All right, one more time for Mitch, everybody. As y' all can tell, I'm used to pulling out. So yeah, my. My name's Mitch. It's like bitch, but with an M. That was my nickname all throughout school. And then finally I moved out of my dad's house. Yeah, he taught me that my name was. My nickname was a hand me down from my mom. Right? But it's cool because my mom taught me that my nickname or that my dick is a hand me down from my dad because it's small. Yeah, my bad. Just a little nervous. We got this though, boys and girls speaking. Which I don't have much luck with the ladies, so I don't know why, but my parents could decide on one thing and it was that I needed a hat. So they went ahead and went with the bluechew hat, right? And I was like, mom, dad, how's that gonna help Me get laid? And they're like, well, because, you know, women will read it and get super horny and then want to you. I was like, how dumb do you think they are? And they're like, if they're my son. Dumb enough. Thank you, guys. All right, Mitch, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up? About 2 and a half years. Where at San Marcos. And then I moved to Austin, but I started having seizures. So it's like, oh, why'd you start having seizures? I think it's from gabapentin. I was prescribed it. What is that exactly? For me, it was a nerve blocker for. I got my back blown out. Okay. All right, Tony, someone else you have something in common with. Yeah. This is amazing. Okay. How did you blow out your back? I. Arguably from the army. Okay. But so I didn't. It wasn't while I was in things. It was a little bit afterwards. It just kind of happened. But it was a herniated disc, and that was most likely from the army. And then it pinched my sciatica nerve. So then that's like a nerve that goes all the way down your leg? Yep. So, like, I can't feel half my toes right now. Yeah. At all? Yeah. Okay. Since 2023. Since 2023. And that's how long you've been on this medicine? Yeah. And then I stopped taking it in July of this year. 28th birthday. Yes. Because I made it past 27. Okay. A lot of grown men celebrating their weird birthdays in this episode. Well, 27 Club. Okay. If it can happen to them, it can happen to me. Oh. The most innocent human on the the stage, Matt Muling. Every once in a while strikes. He has no mercy for people that have a lot of seizures. Yeah. You don't get into the 27 Club by being a random fact. So you stopped taking that medicine, and then how soon after did the seizure start? Like two weeks. Okay. Yeah. And then what's that like? I don't know. But the girl that was with me left me, like, in a puddle of my own blood and piss. Why were you in a pile of blood? You hit your head or something? No, bit my tongue. Oh. Yeah, I was like. And she just left you like that? She smoked my. Yeah. And then she what? She smoked my weed. That's legal in Austin, Texas. And then left? Yeah. She was high. And you're freaking the out on the floor? No, it was right in the morning, so I was in bed. Yeah. You hadn't smoked yet? No, I. I just I was asleep and then I guess the sun triggered it. When you say that it's legal in Austin, you just mean regular weed. You're making a joke or it's with some kind of weird Delta 8 or something. Well, I have family that I'm gonna hopefully have watched this that are in different states, and I don't want them to look down upon me. You think that you smoking marijuana once in a while is going to be. What? Not the blue chew hat. Right. All right. I mean. Okay, so you're sure that you had the seizure, she smoked your pot after that? Positive. I had the seizure. But, I mean, you're positive that she smoked pot after. Told me she said, yeah, I left you. I smoked some pot and then I left? Yes. She said that my cat Timothy was going, meryl, help. Like, asking her, like, I'm not even. I have text messages. She woke the cat. Timothy? Yeah, Timothy. What, like, timid? See? Courageous cat. Like courage. The cowardly dog having a seizure? I was just gonna say crazy. Are you having a seizure right. Right now? I smell burnt toast. Okay, all right, okay. Let's just skip this. What did you do in the army? I was a forward observer. 13 fox. What exactly does that mean? Fire sports specialist. So, like, I would get grade coordinates for field artillery and then send it to field artillery. So they would shoot it to Palestine. No, no, this was back in 2016-2020. Does me sitting here give you some sort of p. All of it. Amazing. What do you do now, Mitch? How do you survive VA disability? I'm actually looking for a job right now, but it's hard because I can't drive for another until the end of this month. Why? Seizures. Oh, because of seizures? Yeah. Have you figured it out? When's the last time you had your last seizure? Three months ago. Okay. And what exactly happens? What does. Is there something that, like, tends to give you a seizure? No, it's always whenever I'm waking up. Interesting. And how many do you think you've had? Four. Four? Yeah. Do you always bite your tongue and leave a mess? Yeah. Wow. How long do they last? Anywhere between, like, from what I'm told a minute to three minutes. Okay. Yeah, but I think it's from Gabapentin. Doctors don't. So it's up in the air. Ooh, interesting. So this is an interesting thing. The doctors are defending the big pharmaceutical company directly to your face. Yeah. But you never had a seizure before that, and you had one, two or three weeks after quitting the medicine. Right. And they'll defend it. Right. All the way. Right. Interesting. I'm not a conspiracy theorist. Me neither. Me neither. But I find that also interesting. Things are coincidental. Yes. Okay, so, Mitch, give us another fun fact about your life. I used to work at a helicopter company. Not as the pilot or anything. I was a photographer. Okay. Yeah. So I take photos of the people that were going on the helicopter. It's just south on 35. Okay. Yep. All right. All right. What's your love life like now, Mitch? Single. Okay. You live by yourself? Yeah, I live by myself with my cat. Your cat? Timid. Timid. The. The third or whatever. The Timothy. Courageous cat. How long have you had this cat? 3 1/2 years. I got him whenever my back got blown out. I know the phrasing is up back blown out. It's. Yeah. When you get a seizure when you're having sex, the would it cause infinite energy. So. Because if a girl gets a seizure while I'm banging, it's pretty hot. Some people are into that. So after they found out about it, I've woken up with them, like just flashing a light in my eyes at night. Damn. Yeah, I had my first blue chew in Mexico by the. Oh, really? Yeah. Ah. Was it a brown chew? Okay, what was that like? Crazy. First time I've ever had it. You ever had a dick pill lesson? Nope. Yeah, it's like I don't even know how to continue life without it. Like maximum potential all times. Wow. After coming still, the vein is out. When you woke up after that first night, were you wearing that jumpsuit that you're in? All right, well, Mitch, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Okey dokey. I really like the lime scooters and I've been getting back into religion and I feel like everything happens for a reason. And I feel like the seizures were a good thing that happened low key because it taught me how to get out more and how to be more productive using the things around me and not be anxious. I like that. Good answer. Keep writing, keep signing up, it'll get better. Mitch, here's a medium sized joke book. There you go. There goes Mitch, everybody. All right. Sometimes interviews just go back to seizures and the cat every once in a while. Set thing in there. Good and deep, Heidi. Now it is. Very good. The old tape, the microphone, the old taping. The microphone. Yeah. Just how it all started in the beginning. Twelve and a half years ago, we were taping our microphones together and now look back at our roots. Nothing like one of the biggest shows in the world. And we have red duct tape. That's how you know we made it. Back when we first started, we just had regular old black duct tape. Okay, you guys still having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sancho Pancho Villa. Sancho Macho Villa. A lot of people can't tell by looking at me, but I am a veteran. I used to let the crowd guess what branch I was in, but with every guess, my feelings kept getting hurt more and more. So I'll just tell y'. All. I actually served six years in high school jrotc. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I was only in high school for four years. No, I should also mention, after high school, I went and served in the Marine Corps for four years. It's called Ooh Rah. Yeah. I was five three when I went in, and then I came out at 5:1, so I lost 2 inches where it really mattered. There's a lot of disadvantages to being short, but some advantages to being short. In the Marines, for instance, when I would walk through fields with tall grass, I didn't have to worry about snipers anymore. I would, however, have to keep my eyes peeled in the sky for, like, hawks or other large birds. Crazy story. A hawk actually tried to pick me up one time. It got, like, a foot and a half off the ground before dropping me. I guess even Mother Nature was, like, too much cholesterol. Thank you. I'm Sancho Pancho Villa. Sancho Pancho Villa. I gotta tell you, dude, you are one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in my entire life. I didn't know that baked potatoes could do comedy. This is absolutely adorable. How old are you? 31. 31 years old. Have you ever accidentally. You. You look like you would accidentally, like, roll down a hill or something like that. Do you roll? You're ball shaped. Yeah. Whenever ice is over in Texas, I got to be careful. It's, like, very easy for me to be top heavy. You have to be scared of two kinds of ice. That's incredible. Sancho Pancho Villa. Absolutely amazing. Did the kids used to bully you and make you a soccer ball at any point? Nah. Most of the kids in my high school were the same height as me at that time, so. Amazing. Amazing. So what do we call you? Are you considered. What are you? What are you? I'm just a regular five one Mexican man. Okay. All right. I guess it's like. I guess it's like. It's the Width. That kind of makes it kind of make sure. Yeah. You seem a little. A little. A little. Oh, there's red. Bam. It's also my eyes. My eyes. You guys are shaped the same. He's just slightly taller than you. Old. Old Sancho Poncho. Via over here. So tell us about your life, Sancho. Is that your real name? Sancho Pancho. It's a nickname. So Sancho is a term of endearment in the Hispanic community. Those are the Mexicans laughing at you right now. If you're wondering what that noise is, it pretty much means side dude. So. Side dude? Yes, I do. Okay. Why do you go by that? No. Whenever. I used to work out a lot and I was like, more fit. I used to like, sleep around with like, committed women. So. Really? You mentioned this last time. You're, like, proud of, like, guys, wives and like that. I mean, you can hide everywhere when they come home, huh? I can get out most average sized windows. I'm five one. Yeah. Ah, windows. Windows is an ongoing theme in this episode. I don't remember this from your last time. Remind us, how many married women do you think you've slept with in your life? If you had to guess, just a ballpark, not to be specific, but probably like 18. Wow. So this is what you're into, specifically as married women. Women. Well, I'm not into it that much anymore. Can you imagine, by the way? Can you imagine? Yeah, like, what's his name? Charles Adams Jr. Was mad that his lady was hooking up with Tyrone. Imagine, just for a second, imagine you. You pull into your place early from work one day and you see this human pillow crawling out of a window. This tempurpedic Tomaso over here, this little softy Sancho, this little garbanzo. What do you think about all this? It's almost like karma took it out on him in real time. You're gonna 18 married woman. Five one. That. That's. That's the deal. Want to be a side piece? You'll be a wide piece. My goodness gracious. So when's the last time you slept with a married woman? Oh, man. Not to be specific, but probably like three. Three months ago. Wow. So, like, where did you find this woman? Give us an example. We want to walk a day in the life of Sancho Pancho. How about these women? Yeah, how do you do it? Step ladder usually. I don't know. Come on. No, give us the real, like, hanging out, you know, just like on the bar scene. I'm really good at, like, shooting Pool? Yeah, you know, I can shoot pool really well. So just hanging out, drinking, and then, you know, I see someone that kind of looks heartbroken. I'm like, hey, looks like you're having a hard night. Like, you know, just trying to be that. That, you know, lap or shoulder to cry on. It's always those guys that your wife. It's never the big handsome guy. It's always little poncho in the corner in there. And they'll be like, oh, you know, just my, you know, baby daddy, ain't you look like a pillow to cry on, cuz. I like, you know, it's mostly ghetto women with, like, baby, like, no baby daddies or God damn. Yeah, you know, like, wow, you a small, huh? So three months ago was the last one. Take us through it. Exactly. What happened? You're at. You're at a pool hall. No, well, a bar with pool table. Yeah, but that one exactly three months ago. How did you find that one? Yeah, so I was at a pool hall. Wow. And I was just, like, waiting for my turn on the table. Now when you play pool, are you, like, visualizing being the cue ball? I'm one with the ball. Yeah. No, and so. Yeah. And so, like, I just, like, was looking around and, like, my buddy had gone to the restroom, and I saw some girl just kind of, like, sad at the end of the bar. And, you know, I do okay for myself, monetary wise. So I was like, you know, how tall is the bar that you hop on? Probably like to like, we're like, like a little bit, like, a little bit like, shorter than that. Probably like, chest deep. Wow. And so, yeah, I was like, hey, you know, girl, like, how you doing? You all right? Looks like you're sad. And what did she say? And she was just like, oh, you know, my baby daddy be tripping. And she was like, oh, you know, he's out with my car right now. And he left me here, and I don't know where he's at. And I was like, it looks like you could use another beer. What are you drinking, Modelo? She was like, yeah. And I was like, all right, cool. And then what? So then, like, after a few more modelos, I was like, hey, well, I mean, the bar is gonna, like, close soon. I have a car. And she was like, yeah, all right. And so then from there, we went to, like, a hotel and I had, like, tequila as well and, like, my cooler. So, like, you have a little cooler that you keep. Hold on a second. It's not a little cooler to him. It's a fridge. This feels like gnome fan fiction. So you have a little cooler that you keep where? In the back seat in the trunk, Usually behind the driver's seat. Because my feet. My seat's far up, so it can fit it behind it. Oh, my God. Dream lift driver. Oh, my God. So what made you get a hotel and not take her back to your place? Oh, I never took it back to my place because then, like, when they make up with their baby daddy, they come clean and they're like, oh, you know, Sancho, blah, blah, blah. Oh, my God, you know, like, you were cheating on me, so I was cheating on you with so and so. And I can't have them coming back. Where does this guy live? And they're like the Holiday Inn Express. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy. So you're like a master of this craft. Yeah, I mean. I mean, I've ate time. Is your place big for him? Yeah, exactly. It's 400 square feet. It's a mansion. He looks at an elevator like, damn, bro. Room's a sweet at the Holiday Express. Yeah, my personal beds are full size, but I start to do a few rooms rolls to get out of it. Hell yeah. Absolutely. How small are you? Let me stand next to you. Yeah, let's see exactly w. Oh, my God, look at that. It's like episode of Twins. You know what I'm saying? You. You guys look like mascots for human trafficking. Ari, if you stand there too long, he's going to be asking you why you look so sad. Wow. Sancho Pancho Villa. I am going to give you what appears to be a. I can't remember how is the set. Is it okay? Well, any book is big. I'm going to give you what appears to be a huge joke book. It's a massive joke book. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Sancho Pancho Villa. All right, I'm gonna pull a name out. We're gonna go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, this episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor. State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Limu Cable and Doug, here we have the Limu Imu in its natural habitat, helping people customize Their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu. Is that guy with the banana binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates excludes Massachusetts. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi, everyone. All right, hold on a second. Because we have a special treat, everybody. This is this man's first time ever doing stand up comedy. This man is a new friend of ours that comes from our. Our new found friendship with one of the newest Texans, the great and powerful. Well, I guess we'll just get to it. We'll talk about it in the interview portion. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut and his first time doing stand up. A special treat. This is the debut of make some noise for Jedi, everybody. This is Jedi. How are you guys doing? I am very, very nervous this evening. I've just been informed by my wife that we're expecting a child. Let me finish. We're expecting a child to come out with some serious allegations against me. And I think this child has a pretty strong case. I'm just kidding. I'm not married, but I would get married. I mean, I've been looking for some love out here. It just seems like the women here, you know, they're older women, you know, junior high, high. Hey, wait, wait a second. I wasn't going to tell those jokes, but I actually am looking for, for a woman. I'm looking for a woman, you know, she has to, you know, listen because I talk a lot. She also has to mix it up in the bedroom a little bit, you know, maybe start on her back, maybe move to her stomach, maybe her knees, you know, we'll see. Also, wow. But if I could leave you with one thing, it's just that not all middle aged single men without children or pedophiles, because a lot of us are. Thank you so much. Take it away, Redman. Jedi, specializing in pedophilia jokes, ladies and gentlemen, gambling it all on pedophile jokes tonight for his debut set. So, Jedi, first of all, how about one more time for Jedi, everybody. Why don't you tell these fighters people, Jedi, what you do for work? I work with the wonderful Mr. Woody Harrelson. Love you, brother. The great Woody Harrelson, who just so happens to be a newfound fan of Kill Tony and one of the coolest people in the world. And you've been his stand in. Stand in. So when they're setting cameras and doing everything that they have to do for Woody Harrelson and he doesn't have to be there for that, you get to just be there. Yeah, that's. That's me. 25 years we've been hanging out together. He's basically family to me. And yeah, I love him so much. Solid. He's super solid, you cats. So, Jedi, what made you want to start stand up here tonight? You know, I just kind of like, you need to go get on Kill Tony. I mean, I do this every day on a set with cameras in front of me, but for 25 years, I've heard you need to do stand up. You know, I'm not funny when somebody tell jokes, but I mean, I don't know. I'm here. What. Great. I love it. What made you commit to purely pedophile jokes here tonight? The Force. I'm not married. No, No. I just saw people on set when they said, hey, we want to. You've got to get on Kill Tony. I had some people help me write some stuff. You know, I was like, is it okay for other people to write jokes? I mean, I've done that for comics. So I just went with it. You know it, right? It is true. And Jedi is the life of the party when everyone's hanging out and I'm telling you, Woody and his whole crew knows how to have a lot of fun. It. There's an unbelievable amount of creative energy and marijuana and tequila, and it turns into a lot of fun every time we hang out. And you're always the life of the party and we never hear a pedophile joke. Then this is the first time I'm finding out about your. It's a joke, dude. No, I know, I know, I know. I love kids. I have four nieces. I love them to death. They're great, uncle. I bet you do, Jedi. Hey, Jedi. Just for some information, the legal age of consent in Estonia. 14. Is it really? And you legally have to say that in a tracksuit? Yeah. So Jedi, tell us what's some. What's something crazy that. That you've seen out there, you know, while filming? It's got to be a crazy job. It sounds like a show that hasn't been made yet. Like stand ins, like a fun fact. Part of the crew is McConaughey's stand in and you are like buddies. You guys hang out and you kind of, kind of look like Woody and he kinda kind of looks like McConaughey. Well, Henry is incredible. We make a lot of jokes about these guys all the time. It's like we're doing our own show with these cats, you know what I mean? Because it's pretty awesome. It's. You guys are going to love the show. It's called Brothers. It's going to be on Apple tv. I don't have Apple tv, so I won't see it, but it's pretty fun. And these guys, I mean. I mean, I have so many stories. I don't know if I can. I mean, I guess I could say whatever I wanted, but I want to keep working. Yeah, probably best. You know, we, you know, it's a lot of standing around. You know what he's, you know, either playing hacky sack or looking for a coloring book or something, you know. And Matthew's giving me statistics on a Texas football game. Game. Yeah, you know, I could. I was on the sideline with them on Friday night, Texas versus Texas A. M. And it was a lot of fun. Me, those two, the Governor rolling around, popping wheelies on touchdowns. And it was an incredible. It's an incredible thing. Woody has the best marijuana on planet Earth. Do you smoke weed? I smoke a lot of weed. I'm gonna do a little plug. Woody has a store called the woods woods in West Hollywood. Yeah. And it's out of control. I mean, you can say there's tree houses. Yeah, I've been there. You have? Yeah. There's like birds and. Yeah, it's crazy. Got rid of two of them because Peter showed up like, oh, you know what? Do you know what he. Yeah, these birds were all up. This bird didn't know what he is, dude. He was barking it. These birds are up, dude. Rio, Molly and George, I believe we kept George. But the other birds, like, we're getting high. And then, you know, Peter shows up. All these birds are here. And you know, we love animals, you know what I mean? But a couple of the birds were a little out of control, you know, Amazing. How does one get into the stand in game? I guess you just have to be cool as hell and people have to want you to be around them. You have to have a good energy and stay positive all the time. Right? Yeah, I mean, I just kind of. It was so crazy. I was working on a show called Will and Grace. I don't know if you remember that. Wow. And you never saw. You don't have a tv. Will and Grace is coming out soon in Estonia. We're a little behind. Oh, I could go. Will and Grace jokes forever, but I don't want to end my career the first night I'm on stage. We're not ending it tonight. You're just getting started, Jedi. But how'd you meet. How'd you get into that? I met Wood through our director, Jimmy Burrows, who created Cheers. He introduced us, and he's like, you guys are going to love each other. You know, I was like, the weed guy working on the show, you know, I was like, it was crazy. I don't even, like, read the scripts. Jimmy would come in, and he's like, hey, you know. Well, he's like, I want you to meet my friend. I'm like, I don't give a fuck about celebrities. He's like, I want you to meet Woody Harrelson. I'm like, I fucking love that guy. Hell, yeah. And he goes, you guys are going to be friends forever. Here we are, 25 years later. Wow. But. So you've stood in on everything. Not everything. You know, somebody has to water the plants. Ah. What do you mean exactly? Weed. Oh, yes. Got it. True Detective. Did you do that one? I didn't do True Detective. Weed. Weed. It is ridiculous. Weed. By the way, I have been lucky enough to smoke with all the big smokers, right? Snoop is a buddy. Worked with him on and off for the last 15 years. All of them. Them. I smoked Woody Harrelson's weed recently, and I had to go for a walk. Like, a legit walk. In fact, I did again on Friday night. We ended up gravitating from the sideline up to McConaughey's suite. He handed me a little sneaky vape pen, which is like the size of a. I don't even know, like a. Like, it was a. It's a giant vape pen. I don't even know where it came from. I hit it twice. I handed it back. Back. And he goes, you want to hit it one more time? And there's a part where you're. I kind of knew, like, I should let that settle in. And now I. He. But he's kind of like, come on. Come on, buddy. And when Woody Harrelson's like, come on. Come on, buddy. Like, it's a little peer pressure. And. And I did. And then almost immediately afterwards, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go for a little walk. I'll be. I'll see you guys in a little bit. And I got lost outside of Texas stadium for about 20, 25 minutes. I was outside, back inside, outside, inside. It was crazy. And I'M a grown ass man and this is how good. And I smoke every single day continuously. Well, you're lucky you can walk. Yes, it's very tricky. So, Jedi, let me ask you this. You're definitely. You were making jokes, but what's your love life actually like? Tell us about it. You mean my rub life? What do you mean? Do you stand in for Woody on that one, too? All right, she's ready to bust Woody. What I mean is you're almost out of lotion in the green room is what I mean. I'm like this close to getting sponsored by jerkins. Seriously. Really? What do you do? What do you. You watch like porn or something when you ask? No, I don't. I don't have cable, dude. Internet I live in. Dude, do you have a. Do you just use your imagination? No, I. It's been since June 15th. I had my first Asian taco. It was incredible. Wait, what do you mean? I mean, I slept with an Asian woman. Oh, my goodness. Why was that more gross than when you were talking about pedophilia? That was. Dude, that was a joke. We know Asian taco. I've got writers, dude. Yeah. Come on. So this Asian taco, how exactly where did you meet this girl at? In Texas. Okay. Just the great state of Texas, somewhere between El Paso and Corpus Christi. Yeah. You met her? Yeah. Okay, and what did you learn that day? Was that your first Asian woman that you. It was. It was. What did you said, hey, I'm gonna, you know, I'm going to give you this taco and just don't fall in love. And, you know, I was like, I kind of did. Oh, my goodness. But I'm over it now. Do you pay for a 30 minute massage or. So you were saying you were hungry for more. 30 minutes later. That weed is really strong. She spent the night. Ah, Jedi, you have made your Kill Tony debut. The sand in shut eye. If you ever want to do a couple minutes at the secret show, it's open for you anytime you want to try it out. If you want it. If you want to do it again. Oh, my gosh. Thursday night. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Guys, how about a hampered Jedi, ladies and gentlemen? Who knows? Maybe when Brothers comes out on Apple tv. When's it? When do you think that's coming out, Jedi? February. March. I had to get. Oh, no, it's coming out next. Next fall. Next. And it's incredible, you guys. It's insane. It's Kenny Power. It's hilarious. Love it. The return of McConaughey. And Woody back together. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, guys. Jedi ladies and gentlemen. Maybe we'll be able to talk Woody and McConaughey into joining us on panel sometime. Who knows? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ryan Shields, everybody. Ryan Shield. Thank you. So I raised my kids in the suburbs of San Antonio. And when my daughter first started dating, one of her friends let it slip that her boyfriend was in a gang. I said, no, he's not. He lives in the cul de sac. First time I met the kid, he was. I looked at him, I was like, who you repping the lactose intolerant kings? Take your wheat out of you and get the fuck out of here. I know. Like, look, all I'm saying is if you can't process dairy or certain multigrains, I'm not afraid of you. Yeah, fuck off, Tanner. I will end you with a milkshake and a bagel right now. And I see this all the time and it needs to stop. I don't know who needs to tell them. Maybe it's me. But look, how are you supposed to be for these streets with peanut allergies and all this? I don't know. Some of you ladies, you're still worried about walking alone in the park or going to your car at night. Just start moisturizing with peanut oil. Yeah, take his breath away. If that doesn't work, I just use my dad voice. I just go, hey. And they freeze because it activates their autism. It was like seeing a tiger in the. Okay. All right. Ryan Shields, welcome to the show. Ryan. Ari, give it up for a stand in for a fat creepy. Yeah, somehow you make Jedi look like Dave Chappelle. That's incredible. Ryan, how long you been doing standup? About 14 years. 14 years? Holy man. Wow, that's crazy. Where at? In the Liver King's backyard. My God, where have you been doing standup for 14 years? I'm out of San Antonio. Okay, out of San Antonio? That's where you've always lived? Yeah. Okay, Ari, what do you want to say? I see you. No, no, no, it's over. No, it's okay. Do it. No, the joke. Do it. Ari, it was a Liver King joke and you said it and I fucked up, okay? And I got nervous and now I'm over it. Okay, Ryan, what do you do for a living? I do stand up. God damn it. That's exactly what I was hoping you wouldn't say. So was that just a rough, rough, rough, rough set? Yeah, that usually goes a lot better. I think I just let into it. Weird. It's more of a lead up to it, but yeah, you know it. Yeah. Here we are. Here we are. Ryan, 14 years. Do you think you have, like, a better joke that you could have done instead? Yeah. So like a banger of a joke that you have after 14 years? Yeah. All right, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Shields. All right, let's. Let's try this. Let's try it again. 14 years, I. I've been hanging out with these young comedians, so they get me to try this new shit. Like, I've tried aluminum free deodorant. Yeah. It doesn't work. And the problem is it's deceptive because, like, you put it on as soon as you get out of the shower, you're like, oh, that does smell like coconuts. But then like four hours later, you're like, oh, those coconuts have turned. I think I found out where the rum is gone. So I went right back to aluminum. I know it's bad for you. I know RFK's. Like, it causes autism. I don't give a shit. I could use a touch of the tism. I'm fine. I could be into trains. Yeah, it's better than the other trains I've been a part of. Look, I was an engineer on that train, all right? I want you to think something weird like that's where you want to be. You want to be an engineer on those trains. You do not want to be a caboose because you're pushing a lot of loads in front of you. All right, Ryan, let's talk about it. How much money are you making a year doing stand up? A year? Yeah, about 50 grand. Okay. And you love it? You love it. Oh, you do. You would never do anything else. Nothing else. So do you have any, like, side hustles or anything like that? I'll do a podcast. I do. I act a little bit. What have you acted in? There's a little show on Paramount plus called Landman. Okay. You've been on Landman? Yeah. Okay. For 37 seconds. But I'm in it, so I'm counting it. Okay. Yep. Well, you have a little cheering section over there of what appears to be mentally ill hillbillies. Ryan, tell us something wild about your life that would surprise us. Wild? Yeah. You just had a colonoscopy. I don't know if that's wild. Oh, Redband just had his first colonoscopy. You guys are calling us. Could be brothers over here. Let me tell you, it Sucks. When I was getting mine done and they're wheeling you down the hallway with all the nurses and doctors and one of the nurses or doctors recognized me and goes, you're really doing it Red man. It sucks. Is, are you serious? Are serious. That's so funny. You're really doing it Red man. That is so funny. What came out of your ass? That's why Jre asked like, do you go to like a special private doctor and stuff? Right? That's amazing. What did he say? Does he go to a special doctor? I guess he's like, it's none of your business. Oh yeah, that makes sense. But isn't it like you, you can't eat a few days before, right? 24 hours. Yeah, it's cool because you actually. I would have loved to have seen that reality show. Holy. One of the most difficult things Redman has ever done in his red band was like the, the old lady in Requiem for a Dream. Like the kitchen's just like hello Redban. Come on over here. The cupboards are like shaking. Just cereal boxes spilling themselves onto the floor. No, no, the bread that you could stick your thumb in and use it as liquid. This is floating Olive Garden bread sticks in the air. Just Alfredo sauce pouring out of the kitchen sink. No, no. Oh, that's amazing. How did you make it through that 24 hours toast? It really sucks. It was our buddy's birthday party. Matt and I had this great idea like oh, you know, let's get, I can drink tonight. Let's get wasted tonight. And then I thought I could eat in the morning. It and I read when I got home you couldn't. So I had a hangover. I couldn't eat anything. I was actually, I, I, I chewed stuff and just spit it out in the trash can. Cuz I, Jesus Christ. That's the fattest thing, that's the fattest thing I've ever heard in my life. I've never heard anyone micro dose food before. That's crazy. I almost just fainted right then. That is the most red band thing I think I've ever heard of taste. And they give you all this medicine so you just yourself every like five minutes. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's go back. What type of food were you chewing and then spitting out? I had leftovers from the place. It was like a steak and you're just ju drinking the juice. And then I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and spit it out. That's about it. Yeah. Oh, and ice. I, I, I had a Lot of ice. You swallowed the ice a lot. Wow. God. Oh, God. Oh, it's so funny. God, that's amazing. Can you even spit out all of peanut butter and jelly? You just ate all peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He had a little shrapnel. Little bad. He had a little. There's no peanut butter juice coming out of there. And then you yourself there too, right? I didn't myself there. No, I. I got to the point where I couldn't sleep that night because I was every 10 minutes to the point where stomach bile, just stomach bile. But what was interesting is, like when I could eat, how long it took to get to become poop. It was like. Like seven hours. I didn't know. Not a lot of people know this, but that night, red band diarrhea and a stripper's pussy at perfect 10. All right, Ryan Shields, you know, I mean, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's. Maybe it's just the sound or the lights or something, but 14 years, maybe it's just the pressure. Maybe your timing's a little bit off, but it just wasn't. It wasn't great. It wasn't connecting here tonight. But sign up again, come back. It's a short drive. Live from San Antonio, Ryan Shields. Very interesting. Ryan Shields, everybody. Wow, that's just wild. 14 years, huh? And there we go. We end up talking about your colonoscopy for half his interview. All right, let's do this. This will be our final bucket pull of the night. We're in overtime here. Make some noise for Matthew lacour, everybody. Now, Matthew Laor. Going over time for me. Thank you. I was about 11 years old, on a play date. My friend Kyle. The first time I walked in and my mom having sex, it's my fault. I was on my way to the kitchen. Real private place. The Rice Krispies were taking a while. I'll never forget. I. I was walking down the hallway. I turned the corner. A small detail, tiny detail. There's only two adults in the house. My mom and Kyle's mom. That's it. It. So I. I turned the corner. I'll never forget. True story. I see my mom pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throat. Yeah, just plug it in there. Now that there's tape there, you can't even see where to put it in. Yeah, just give him that one. Yeah, put that down. There you go. Matthew Laor, everybody. Continue. My bad, guys. God damn. Keep going. So I turn the corner and she's pinning this woman to the wall. Left Hand, throat, right hand, thigh. I freeze. Right before I can run back to the room, she grabs other ass cheek, picks her up and pins her to that. She pushes her pelvis forward. I don't know why, but I'm so proud that my mom's at top. Does that make sense? Like, I never told Kyle, but I feel a sense of superiority. Like, kids at school will be like, my dad will beat up your dad. My mom will. Your mom, dog. What are we talking about? What the are we talking about? Am I. I'm a 90s kid. She gets de rebot. That works. All right, we got there. Matthew Lor. Welcome. Sorry. Matthew Lor. Okay. Welcome, Matthew. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. I used to have long hair, but I shaved it so I can do slurs again. What kind of slurs are you doing exactly? Why did the hair stop? You're like, it was too hippie. People thought I was left winning. Okay, Matthew, how long you been doing stand up? I say like, four to five years, but I didn't start taking it seriously until I moved to Austin. When was that? About a year. About a year ago? Yeah. Wow, that's amazing. Short time. Somehow eight times funnier than a guy that's been doing it 14 years. What do you do for work, Matthew? I actually work at Cap City. I'm a door guy. Okay. All right, so that's the second employee from Cap City tonight. How do you like working up there at the Domain? That's cool. Yeah. I'm just trying to do everything that I can to get as close as I can to comedy, honestly. Like, you get to watch comedians? Yeah, Yeah. I used to be a door guy, too. It's a great opportunity to watch comedians and learn. Yeah. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Son and I were door guys at the Comedy Store. Yeah. Any young comedians, that's the number one thing, how you get closest to the comedy. I mean, of course you can do open mics, but you can only learn so much from a guy who's 14 years in and still at Nar Bar. Yeah. So you can learn from professional comedians. Yeah, they get good comedians there. They get comedians. Yeah, that's. Do you sometimes, like, how do you get on stage at Cap City? Do you sometimes open open mic, but they don't give us a lot of stage page. Fine. That's a. Because that's like the bonus of also being a door guys. Yeah. Nobody going up. It also depends where you're a door guy big time. Right. Like, the comedy store has three rooms. And those rooms all have comedians doing 15 minutes. So you end up with 16 comedians in one room, 14 in another, and eight in another. And then they flip two of those, three of those rooms to do it all again. Whereas Cap City probably only has, what, four comedians, two rooms Show. But there's an opener, a feature, and a headliner. Right? That's every show, pretty much. I'm trying. I'm just trying to get as much time as I can. That's. Where were you at, Door guy? At? Tell us. We don't know. I was a door guy shortly at Comics Lounge in Australia. And I was a door guy at another club in Vancouver called Yuk Yuk. I remember. Yuck. Yucks. And I've been to the Comics Lounge many times. Yeah. Yeah. Comics Lounge didn't work out too much. I had to, like, do the work. I was watching too much comedy. Him. Nice guys, though. You were once on a show many, many, many moons ago. First time we met, me and Joe Rogan invaded Melbourne, Australia. And you were randomly on that show. Yeah, I did a guest spot. You guys were doing the theater, and then you came down to the club. This was like nine years ago or something. Y. Yeah. And also that night was one of those magical nights where. Yeah, somebody was missing. And then they gave me three minutes. I ran the light at five and bomb. But you guys didn't see that. You were smoking weed in the back. It was cool. Perfect. Yep. It all worked out perfectly. It was awesome. Yeah. Matthew, tell us something crazy about your life, your real life, that we would find interesting or compelling. You were on this show once before. You've had enough time to think about a second interview on this show. You're in it, right? Actually, I'll be competing Thursday night Jiu Jitsu on you look like it. Yeah. December. Oh, yeah. I got the ear stuff. Yeah. Damn. When I did jujutsu, that was the only thing I I didn't get. I really want the ears. Yeah. I want the cauliflower. Just smash your ears between. I know. I actually tried it. You put two bricks and smash it. But my ears are so malleable. You literally fold them up in your ass and nothing happens. No, no. I love those ears. No, thank you. It's. Yeah, it's all. It's all for show. That's why we do it. Don't you do a podcast with Brian Callan? All right, never mind. That did not work. Oh, yeah. That's. Don't ever disrespect me like that again. Oh, I get It. That's great. Oh, that's crazy. Sorry, sorry. I just don't like that guy. Red, man, I wish you could chew that joke up and spit it out. But yeah, you came out and you did. Like, you went straight into material and it was like multiple. The last joker, of course, the mic. Such a fucking mishap. But in stand up, always, that happens. There's heckles, there's whatever. So you have to adapt to that. That. But sometimes, yeah, when you come out here, there's a lot of pressure and sometimes it's good to leave a bit of silence before you go into material. So the cognitive functions, like, get a. Get accustomed to what you look like. So sometimes if you go, okay, well, he said cognitive functions. He's like, I think I have something functions. And so sometimes if you go straight into it, they make. Missed the first joke. Okay, but I get it. You want to get it out. You want to get it out. Sometimes silence has most more information than noise. So you can. That is very, very true. And like, there's. There's a whole thing of, you know, you want to get as many jokes as you can out, but you. Sometimes you just got to quit when you're ahead. The. My mom will. Your mom got a big laugh. It was after the meow end the set right there. Yeah, fair. That's true. Yeah. Okay, so, Matthew, I'm going to be honest with you. You Jiu jitsu, that jacket, you kind of seem like you could have some real douchebag qualities too. That's fair. That's true. Give us an example of what the douchiest thing about you is. Douchiest thing. Oh, do we go honest? I had an affair. Had an affair. Let's talk about it. Yeah. So you were married? I was. And then what happened? The marriage wasn't going well. And then I met this beautiful yoga teacher that broke my heart. Okay, so you. Did you take her yoga class? Where'd you meet her at? We were actually working together. I had just gotten out the military and she was a swim coach. I was a lifeguard at a gym. Yep. And you were a lifeguard. Yep. And she was a swim coach. And then what happened? We. We gave each other the eyes across the pool. And then what happened? And then. And then, you know, things happened. I ended up being honest with my wife. I did do that. And afterwards. No, no, I didn't do anything physical with her until. Until me and my wife were divorced. So you said to your wife, you go, look, I've been given eyes to A swim instructor to this swim instructor? Yeah. And the instructor know you're married, too? Yeah. Yeah, but that's harder for me. Yeah, Dude, I think she was into it. Women love that. She's like, I'm. I take them. Yeah. So you told your wife that you were going to leave her? That. Yeah, I was. I was in love with this other woman. And then how were you in love if you had never done. Because I was 24 and. Okay. And now how old are you? 32. 32. And last, but still pretty. How long after you me told your wife? So you started hooking up with a swim instructor? Shortly thereafter. And how long did that last? About three months. Three months. And then what happened? You said she broke your heart. Yeah. How did she break your heart? She decided to stay with her husband. Wow. Oh, my God. This is so hot. Yeah. This is amazing. This is so hot. This story is a 151 Mexican away. Yeah, Perfect. I was just gonna say Sancho Pancho Villa is going to be finding the shallow end of that pool real quick here. Yeah. If your wife is banging dude and you show up and it's this guy, Cauliflower or douchebag, then you're like, I get it. But Poncho? Yeah, Poncho, she's going to be sipping that back seat tequila any day now. Wow. And then like, what, now you have no wife? No new love? No, no, no. I'm. I'm with somebody and in a stable relationship. Yeah. Do you regret leaving your wife at the time for her? Do you think I regret the way I handled it? I was just. I was just, you know, 24. Yeah, I was 24 and stupid. No, I wish I would have handled it incredibly different. Did you save anybody's lives as a lifeguard? I mean, I helped some silly kids that didn't know how to swim. Fun fact. A lot not a lot of people know this. The world's worst lifeguard of all time. Dmat madness, ladies and gentlemen. Not only is he blind, but he also definitely can't swim. Is that right? D oh, he's always full of surprises, this guy. Of course he can swim. You swim a lot. D okay, very good in the. No, Matthew, you're not allowed to make jokes. That d madness. Shut your mouth. I will find you. I will feel you. Were you swimming or did someone put you in a bathtub? Oh, Hasan, how dare you? D man is about to beat you to death with a bass guitar. Damn right. All right, Matthew. Fun times, buddy. Here you go. Here's a medium Medium joke book. Congratulations, Matthew Lor. On to the finale of the night, ladies and gentlemen, with Ari, Maddie here, Dedrick in the middle, there's only one way to end a show like this, and that is with our Hulk Hogan, if you will, our hall of Famer with the most appearances, the most interviews, a living member of the kil. Tony hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Memphis Strangler, The Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is William Montgomery. I told Red Band about Black Friday, and he said they already get February. Now, Friday, I feel like the results of my polygraph tests are gaslighting me. The other day, I watched a David lynch film dubbed in Portuguese, and it finally all makes sense. A doctor ran some tests on Kim Kardashian and concluded that she has low brain activity. A few years ago, that same doctor ran some dust on LeBron James and concluded that he is black. Okay. That's right, Ty. Thank you. Hey, William. Lights out Montgomery, the fighting pride of Memphis, Tennessee. And here he is with a brand new look. I love it. What have you been. Yo, it's freezing outside. You are adorable on this. Very nice. I'm very bald. I don't know if people. It's always very. It gets in my head a lot when I have to lean down and get. Grab a napkin or something when I'm on stage and I lean over and I'm always like, wait, hold on. Am I going bald or something? Not a lot of people know this, but that's what a Indian woman's vagina looks like. We do look like a photo negative of each other. I know. You look good, Hasan. Oh, you too. You got a good Elmer Fudd vibe going on right now. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I bought a bunch of these hats on ebay. I've been going on a tear, Tony. I. I grew up with this habit. I got some other ones coming in the mail, and I actually caught the FedEx. The. That works at FedEx. I caught her today not delivering one of my packages. I up the steps. It pissed me off, and I said, hey, thanks so much. I'll grab that from you. And she doesn't even look up to do. She doesn't even look at me. Wow. So I think I'm gonna try to do something to her next time, I think, like. Like, whoa. Wrap her in something. What do you. What exactly do you mean? What are you going to. There's a place you could walk. When you're walking out to my place, there's a. A place where I'm Gonna put some string or some rope or something and her stupid ass is gonna trip. Scary guy to look at while you're working out that. Look at me. Yeah, yeah. Just on ebay. I've just been on ebay a ton. You can't tell the kil, Tony. Regulars are making a lot of money. You have William on ebay. Say that. No, no, no. Oh, okay. That's right. You know, it's not. No, but seriously, I mean, it seems like this year the economy is maybe not as good. That's what I'm finding. Maybe people just don't think I'm funny. I don't know. I think I'm doing a wonderful show up there, but it's. It's less and less tickets being sold. I mean, it's turning into a real nightmare for me, so. Tony, that's why I stopped you. You got Ari Maddie coming in with custom made jogging suits. You have Dedrick, who's only been a regular for like four weeks. Yeah. What the. How's he getting all his money? That's what I. How do you already have a. Yeah. You have 15 oriental rugs that you've been talking about the last couple weeks. They were from ebay. They were kind of cheap. What is your thing with not admitting that you've done well for yourself? It's okay. I mean, I'm 38. There's a. Hopefully a decent amount of time for me to live. It could all just end tomorrow, Tony. I have to be just so careful. And now I'm stressed out about. I'm still in the funk. I still have not done the row machine. It's very sad. I have. So you're sciatica acted up and you've been taking a big break from the row machine and that has affected you in a great many ways. Is that correct? Yes. It's been about a month. Wow. And are you thinking about getting back into rowing? Yeah, I have to. I have to just go force myself. I've been staying up all night. I finished a puzzle. Everybody would be proud. I think I finished a thousand piece puzzle in two days in less than 48 hours. And I'm starting on another one tonight. Wow. I already. Literally, I went through. I have a method now. I get all the pieces up, I get piles of them, and I get. Get them separated into the colors while I'm also looking for the edge pieces. Wow. Somehow you are way scarier than the jiu jitsu guy. Yeah. A guy doing puzzles. So you organize the colors while also looking for the edge Pieces. That is amazing. I never heard of an approach of doing puzzles like this. What was the last puzzle you did? What could people. What would people expect to see on the puzzle that William Montgomery did? Oh, my gosh. Talking about the last one, the one I just finished. Yeah. What's on that P Puzzle? The one I literally. Yeah, let's hear about it. It's the one you just did the puzzle. People are guessing. Wolves and trains. Wolves and trains. What an idiot. No, it had nothing to do with fucking wolves and trains, dumbass. Wolves and trains. You think I'm doing a fucking puzzle with wolves and trains and trains? No. This puzzle was an open refrigerator, Tony. I worked on a watermelon for a while last night. Whoa. What else was in there? I don't know. That was most exciting. That had a lot of red in it. I had a bunch of red pieces of red pieces of red cake glass. You could see the seeds too, probably, right? No. Is it seedless water? Oh, seedless watermelon. It's a texture I was looking for. The red had specific red texture with that red. Interesting. Yeah, it's almost like a dark pink. Yeah, it was like a dark pink color. So there was just a open refrigerator with just a watermelon in it. A cut open watermelon. That's the whole puzzle. There's also a gallon of milk today. Oh, a gallon of milk. Wow. The world wants to know what else was in the refrigerator, Tony. I have been drinking a bunch of milk, but not with my protein shape shake because I'm doing the row machine because I'm eating two giant bowls of. What is this cereal? It has all branded mini wheats. Oh, you love frosted mini Wheats. This is my mom's favorite cereal. Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah. So I'm off of the fiber. I'm eating that. I'm hurting myself a lot right now, Tony. I've got to get out of it. I've got to snap out of it. Okay? It's getting scary. Tell us more if you don't want to hear it. It's getting real scary. I'm literally planning on tripping the fucking woman from FedEx tomorrow. And I don't think I should be talking about it right now. We have a nice looking police officer. Some nice guy over there. I don't think I need to be talking about this. The police love us. They'll cover for you. Yeah, I'm gonna get her ass tomorrow. I have something real heavy coming tomorrow. Yeah, something very. Yeah, please keep on being heavier and Heavier things. But I got to snap out of it, Tony, so we'll see. Okay. All right. And what are you going to do if this FedEx woman is carrying that box to your place, sees the string and steps over the string? Exactly. What's your plan then? Maybe. Maybe just straight up assault or something. You're like a mud ball. A mud ball. Ball. It's been raining. A mud ball. Yeah. Mud ball. You're gonna find. You're gonna accumulate, put some rocks in it. I've never even heard of. That's the most white trap. A mud ball. Oh, my gosh. Back in Memphis, my buddies and I there. My. One of my friends lived on this very dark street. And the cars would go very fast. And after it would rain, we would all be on the side and we would honk. These just things of. Of mud and rocks, slam into the glass windows, and we would all go run and hide. And it was very exciting. I did that a lot growing up. Say balls of mud and rocks. It's very Muslim of you. A mud ball does sound like a slur that I would call Hasan in the green room on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. I usually call him a sand rabbit. Little fun fact. You can call anybody you want a slur. If you make the slur up yourself. You can't use a slur that's been used before. It's very easy. You take something of that ethnicity and you mix it with a cute animal. What's that one you've been. You were talking about the other day? Red band. You were doing something. You've been talking. Actually, I called David Lucas a mud ball. That's what. Where you found that from? Is that true? No. Oh, yeah. That'd be embarrassing, Tony, if that's really what I talk mud balls, because his dumb ass. That would be. All right, well, what's on the new puzzle before I let you go? What's in the puzzle that you're working on? This one has a bunch of cakes. I was confusing myself. This one has a whole bunch of cakes. And it's got a bunch of primary colors. It's got reds, it's got blues, it's got yellows. I feel like you're feeling yourself putting this puzzle together. You had the whole, like, Bob Ross of puzzle things. I'm about to go do it. Wow. Well, I'm very excited. I'm about to. I'm about to. Nothing brings this show to a climax better than you. Thanks for having. Starting a new puzzle. We love you. Thanks for having me. Tony. William Montgomery. This episode brought to you by Prize Picks. We did it again. This is a crazy show with a crazy bucket. Tonight we had a lot of fun. Somehow, other than the regulars, somehow the. The trans. Trans woman stole the show. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. That is indeed Asana Mod and Ari Maddie. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Dedrick. Dedrick Pre grill. Dedrick Red band. Check out my fake band Cap Red 7 on iTunes and YouTube. What do you guys guys want to plug? I got a podcast called the solid show with my friend Derek Poston. And then I have a special coming out soon in January called Too Soon. Look for it on the podcast channel. There you go. All right, Matti. I am on my first national American tour called here to Stay and tickets are really low at the moment in Atlanta. We have 900 available, three sold. So for the love of God, do you like me or do you like me? He is one of the best stand up comedians in the world. Re maddie.com It's a. It's a brand new tour. He's being very humble right now. Pre sale starts. Well, it's going to be on sale when this episode comes out, so go to rematty.com support the great and powerful Estonian assassin. He could be weeks away from becoming the newest citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, shout out again to our very good friend Jedi who made his debut tonight. Shout out to team Woody Harrelson, who we bought a knife on Thanksgiving. Whoa. A new knife. That is an American $10 from the corner store. That is amazing. I'm glad you pulled it out. After the bucket pulls are all gone, we could be dead. Guys. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. SA. All right, y', all gather round because Monet x change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monet tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students, get Google Gemini's pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed. Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh she would have been unstoppable. 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