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Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbank coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitler. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Big spooks for Brian Redban, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in all of the land. This is the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Talk Space. How we doing tonight, huh? Make some noise for the great Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa. That is the great Charles Reed iii. Joining us, Matt Muhling on the electric, John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that's not a guy dressed up for Halloween. This is the real D Madness. Live in the flesh. What a fucking overloaded show we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This podcast is sponsored by Amazon Prime. The holidays can sneak up on you. You know, work parties, family gatherings, last minute gifts. That's why Amazon prime is a real lifesaver. This season with Prime's fast free shipping, last minute gifting is no stress. Forget a present for a friend or family member needs something for tonight's holiday party. Prime gets it to you fast, turning holiday panic into a smooth win. Red. Bam. I love Amazon Prime. I Prime every day. You know, prime isn't just about sports feed. It's your secret weapon for making sure you never miss a moment that matters. Wow, Red band, that is so touching. This season you can count on prime to deliver fast during the holidays. Just when you need it most. Last minute gifts delivered. It's on Prime. This podcast is brought to you by 4:20, com. People ask me all the time, do you miss California? The truth is I miss the weed. California has the best weed in the world, the best cannabis in the world. The growers, the generational cultivators who have been perfecting this plant for decades. This is real quality and real experience. Now you can get that same California cannabis delivered right to your door. Make no mistake, this is Cannabis. It uses the right cannabinoids so it can ship legally, but the quality and the feeling are exactly what you would expect from California. And these are the real brands. Cookies, Sluggers, Death Row records, Cannabis wild gummies. For listeners, 420.com is offering something special. Use the code name Tony to get 25% off and this episode is brought to you by Four20.com California Delivered. This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legendary nights. From backyard jams to sold out arenas, there's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly. Responsibility.org Jack Daniels and Old Number 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tony hinchcliffe.com get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I booked this goddamn show myself. And I cannot believe that I was able to secure these two guests tonight. I mean, you know, sometimes we go a little off the rails with exactly who we have. Sometimes it's, you know, two of the biggest comedians on Netflix. Sometimes it's two of the biggest comedians on dis and the dad and the blah, blah, blah, blah. Tonight is very special. Tonight is one of the greatest actors of all time with one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guest, Sylvester Stallone and Tony Yayo. Yeah. Oh, my God. Make some fucking noise. All right, Tony Yayo. Welcome, Sylvester Stallone. Wow, this is a first. How you doing? Great to be here. Sylvester Stallone, welcome. Yeah, my agent. You're my agent, Tony. He says, hey, you want to do Kill Tony? You know, and I was like, what's that? And then he told me, you get a lot of views. So I said, you know what? Stallone's gonna do it. Sylvester Stallone is here. How about a hand for the great Tony Yayo is here. Ladies and gentlemen, the real report coming out just after New Year's Eve. Great, Tony Yayo. I just eating a lot of barbecue. Make some noise for that barbecue. Hell, Yeah, I like that name, Yale, because it's got a yo in it. Yeah. Yeah. Yay. In the beginning like you like yours, Stallone. You the man, bro. You the man. Stallone and Yayo are here. You guys are both firsttime guests. So let me tell you how it works. Over 300 innocent souls, hopeful, hopeful. Have signed up for tonight's show. They are loaded up in a bar next door hoping to get pulled out of this bucket. If they are, they get 60 seconds of standup comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this Filipina masseuse pick the first name of the night. Let's see if we have a happy ending here from this. Oh, my goodness. And the first name has been pulled. While we go wrangle that person, we're going to have one of our elite golden ticket winners start the show with a minute of uninterrupted stand up comedy. He was discovered here on Kiltoni, given a golden ticket immediately on an episode with a record, I think 22 bucket pulls. We could not find anyone funny one night at Vulcan Gas Company about three or four years ago. And we just kept pulling and pulling and pulling in a very fast turbo round. Finally we, we found this man with no voice after two appearances. Howie Mandel discovered him on this show, rushed him onto America's Got Talent, got second place because they sabotaged his final appearance. And now he is here for us. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the golden ticket winner, the great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here he is live in the flesh, taking the mic out of the mic stand. It's a real circus, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the great and powerful Aaron Belial moving the mic stand and grabbing his phone. And any second now, the show will begin. Here it comes. And here we go in three, two, one. To get the American experience, I went out shooting the other day. I shot a.308 in the clay and a handgun. What kind of idiot would give me a rifle? That's just irresponsible. They were super cool about it. The guy hands me a handgun, but they didn't notice that when they handed me the gun. They all took like three steps back. They're like, this is America. So we are going to let him shoot, but also this very special boy is definitely going to shoot one of us. Luckily I had My handicap pass. So I just shot everything. So there's a serial killer in Austin, Texas, that has been killing a bunch of people at lady bird lake. I have a big secret. It was me. And I tried to turn myself in and tell them it was me. And they were like, no, you're not. Stop playing. Bunch of ableist assholes. People always underestimate me. I could totally drown a dude in a lake. I almost drown every time I go into a lake. The great Aaron Belial has started things off for us tonight. I believe that. I believe everything you said. Can you swim? Do you know how to swim? Perfect. So you. You and Tony Ao have the same swimming style. Still don't know how to swim yet. How about you slice stone? What's your swimming skills like? You always kind of just punch the water, you know, to get up to the top of it, and then punch that on. Come on, let's go. Aaron Belial, how's things been going for you? You've been out on the road. You worked with Steve O. Took you all over the place. As of though, I had about 23 shows last month, all sold out. Wow. I'm gonna get a corvette that I can't drive and get the license plate. I drool. Look at that. I love it when you say something, but the crowd applauds because you don't know if they're gonna applaud or not. And then they applaud over whatever the rest of what you just said was you want to. Do you have the same. Do you have that button loaded up again? Here, just hit it again. I need a moment to type a response. Oh, please. All right, Now's a good time to say that. This episode is brought to you by talk space. Oh, is that from you? Oh, that's copyrighted music. Here, pause that. Oh, it's not. Wow. You knew. It's. You checked, and it's fair use. Wow, look at that. Good job, Aaron. If this gets us a strike on YouTube, I'm going to break your good arm. I swear to God. I swear to God. It's a $40,000 mistake. If you. Is that really coming from your phone? All right, hit pause. That's psychotic. We. We get the joke after, like, 10 seconds. All right, what else is going on, Aaron? It's a hell of a gold chain. I gotta tell you. I don't know what claw machine you got it out of, but probably your own. His left arm is a claw machine. Ladies and gentlemen. If you put a quarter inside of him. A guy got arrested at My show this weekend. A guy got arrested at your show. Oh, my goodness. Uh. Oh. Oh, he's got something. He starts making that noise. You know, something's coming. Here we go. He tried to fight me. Really? Wow. How did that go? What a. Not well. Is this one of those I hid? Oh, okay. And somehow you came out of the fight the most fucked up, Aaron. Anything else crazy going on before we get to this crazy bucket of ours where we found you? He's going to plug a bunch of shit right now. Tickets are available@aaronbelial.com. i have 26 shows that I need to sell out this month. I need enough money to be able to buy six more gold chains. Christmas is right around the corner. I need a Rolex. Okay, yeah, you got a lot more shows to do. He's like Stephen Walking. Is that a good singer? That's a very good one. Stallone. Aaron Belial, you are the young legend. We love you here. You're always a great way to start the show. And now it has begun. We go to the Bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we give people that. Some of them we've never seen before. Some of them have been on before and done good. Some of them been on before and done bad. Anything can happen. The Filipina princess in the front selected our first bucket pool tonight. And so we're going to meet them all together and then interview this person. The whole thing's improvised. You guys get it? Your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Lingo Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here comes Lingo. Y' all shut the hell up. I got one minute, all right? I was talking to my homeboy the other day. I was like, man, I got an addiction. He was like, what you mean? I said, hey, man, I love fat bitches. He was like, but what the fuck you talking about? I said, hey, man, chill. Better go get you one. Cause why sleep on a big bitch when you can sleep on a big bitch? I like them queen size, nigga. I had one, she was about 350 pounds. The bitch was built like a linebacker. I swear to God, I loved it. Cause she got straight to the point, nigga. One day she was fucking up a whole bucket of Popeyes Fried Chicken. She was just ash, ash, ash. She said, after I finish this bucket of Popeye's Fried Chicken, I'mma suck yo dick, nigga. I said, oh, shit. Greasy head shit was magnificent, nigga. She went down. She was sucking her thing so good. I started singing a theme song in that Bitch. I was like, ooh, they gotta love that chicken from Popeyes shit. I mean. But the big got carried away. She thought my dick was a drumstick. She bit it for real. I said, what the. Sucking dick to the gristle? Skinny could never. Hey, that's all I got. I believe every single word of what you're. You set up here tonight. I believe that was honest material that you truly. I think you're talking about your real life. I think you do be loving them fat bitches. Why are you playing? Did she share any of the chicken with you? Were you able to resist the bucket of Popeyes chicken? Hey, we talking fried chicken? Hell, yeah. You got to share that. You're damn right. Got to share that. Absolutely. Lingo, what's the biggest girl that you've ever been with? She. I ain't even going to lie. She about. She about four, about 450. Oh, my God. 54 50, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yes. I was in there. Oh, my God. Now explain to some of these people, there's some, like, tech nerds here. There's some fucking boring white people that have never been with a faux fitty before. Can you explain to them some of the details and some of the fun facts about an adventure? I'm gonna talk to you because, brother, you look curious. Yep. Yeah, I'm trying to tell you, you get a big one. That's more cushion for the pushing. All right. You get a little skinny one. It's stabbing while you're clapping. Stabbing while they. But take notes on that. Oh, you know, your phone locked. It locked up. I love it. I love it. So where do you tend to find some of these girls at, Lingo? Are you on the dating apps or are you out on the streets, man? You know, you can find them anywhere, you know what I'm saying? You can go out. Church's Chicken go out. They out there. They be. They in the streets. Yeah. Just different chicken places. It seems different chicken is your specialty. Is there an app for that? Is there an app to where you could just find chicken place? Be one. They need a specialized one. You know what? That's a good idea. I might around. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, yep. I love it. Lingo, how long you been doing stand up comedy? Going on about three years. Going about three, three years. Where at? I'm from Orlando. I was. Okay. I shouldn't have fucking gone with my gut there and guess you're from Orlando. Do you live here now? Are you still in Orlando? No, I live here, man. I stay east fifth. Nice, nice. I Love it. East fifth represent. Fun fact. Between East Fifth and East fourth is faux fitty lingo. What do you do for a living? I can't tell you that. Really? I can't tell you that. I just got the job, okay? I swear to God. Can you just tell us the field that you work in? Is it. What kind of field is it? So it's really complicated. I work at the opposite of Microsoft. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know, hey, man, it, man, I showed up late the other day. I work at Apple. I work at Apple. Okay? You know what I'm saying? And I ain't gonna lie. I don't even know why they hide my black ass. I really. I don't know about tech phones, none of that. They beat the. Hey, hey, we need you to push this Apple, Carol. I don't care. I'm gonna push it. So you actually work in, like, the Apple store? Yeah, I be selling at the mall. Yeah. Barton Creek. Okay. Yeah, very cool. I've been there a couple times. Almost absolutely lost my mind in that place. Yeah. Hey, hey. I ain't gonna lie. Like, so, like, I swear to God, like, the other day, like, a group of. They came in trying to steal some. I was like, hey, man, what the. I had to stop it. So. What the y' all doing, man? Do this on my lunch break. What the wrong with y'? All? I'm saying? Just. I love it. Yeah, I got the. I love it. Amazing. So in your three years of standup comedy, when did you move to Austin? Exactly? I moved September. Yeah, I moved September. I'm new as hell out here. Yeah. What? Have you noticed what's different between Austin and Orlando? The fucking homeless people. The fuck? I wish somebody would have warned me about these niggas. Cause, like, out here, they on mega meth. Like, and they creative. Like, back in Orlando, if you got a homeless person, you tell them, like, but I ain't giving you a dollar. They just go on about they fucking way here, bro. I swear to God, I told one, I said, hey, man, like, you know what? Matter of fact, he came up to me like, dmx. I swear to God, he signed a dmx. He was like, hey, yo, man, you got a dollar? I was like, what the fuck? I said, here you go. Gave him a dollar. He like, you got more on your. What the fuck? That ain't how this goes. N was robbing me. He was. You got robbed by a homeless guy Lingo. Other than Hell yeah. Other than stand up comedy, do you have any special skills or talents Is there, like, you seem like the kind of guy that's really good at something that would surprise, you know? Hey, I'm glad you asked that, man. I. I feel like I'm decent at freestyling, man. Oh, no way. Really? Well, I mean, when in Rome. I mean, we have the great Tony Yayo here. Hey, yes, sir, man. Yes, sir. You didn't. You didn't recognize him? I was so locked in. I love it, but, you know, I appreciate that, man. I'm holl at you. I love it. Then this is. This is Sylvester Stallone. This is the great actor Sylvester Stallone. Yo. Yes, sir. Good job, good job, good job. All right, well, you got a drummer right behind you. Give him a nice little light beat. Not too. Because I want to be able to hear him. All right, this is how we going to do this. This is how we going to do this. Hey, all right, brother. We got to stay connected. All right, cool. And then we're going to do a little. So we're going to do a little American Idol. After that, we're going to talk, check in with our celebrity judges. The great rapper producer, Tony Yayo. All right, man. Yeah. You know what, Tony? You gonna be the judge of this, all right? That's what I just. I don't know what the about happened. All right, this is how we're gonna every. So listen to me. Every time. You know what? I got another idea, too. Oh, my bad. Sylvester Stallone give his opinion when I'm done. You go ahead. What were you gonna say? Oh, no, I was just about to coordinate the ship. I was already doing that for you. What kind of beat do you want up? Give us. What kind of beat do you want? Really? I just want. Cause I know, like, some of y' all don't be understanding what the fuck I'm saying. We understand. Every time. Every time I do this shit, when I do this, when I. This, like, look like this, I want you just play the beat, man. Hey, listen. Just play the beat, man. Play the beat. There we go. Play the beat. Check me, check me, check me. I studied the game like an analyst. I'm a decimator. I don't like this beat. I don't like this beat. I don't like this beat. Hold up, hold up. No, hold up. No, hold up, hold up. No, no. Hold up. All right, hold up, hold up. Watch me watch. Hey, not yo, watch me, all right? Watch me. Watch me watch. Okay? I'm have to cook. Let me cook. Okay. Tony the band is looking at him like, what the fuck is going on? That beat was crazy. That beat was crazy. That beat was great. You wanna. You wanna run it back? Let's run it back. Wait. Let's run it back. Fuck it. Let's run it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Play the game like an analyst. Yeah, I study the game like an analyst. Watch me. I'm about to decimate the panelist. Red band, you fat as hell. You need to hit your dimp. Your sweatband. You get no coochie. I got hoochies popping handstands. What? Whoa, Tony hench. Cliff, I know you wrestle, but you're still a bitch, bitch. A three six. Heard your gang and you catch balls in your mouth. No assist your bite size and you sweeter in a heat, Cliff. It's as real as it fucking gets. What? You fucking really stink. Like a rolling rink. Ah, whoever smelt it, fucking dealt it. You're up here sucking while wearing black velvet. Get out of here. Here's the big joke book. There you go. The fuck. You get the fuck out of here. You ain't getting me. This is my universe. You did good, buddy. Great stuff. There he goes. Link goes to Smith. Don't you come at me with your freestyles. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There she is. Don't shoot for try to freestyle at me on my own show. We all have our own secret special skills and talents. Ah, that's right. I rhyme, smelt it and dealt it with velvet. Ladies and gentlemen. Not easy to do. Hello there. 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After you purchase, they will ask where you heard about Ridge. Please support our show and tell them Kill Tony sent you. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jason Robo, everybody. Here we go. So we've got an obesity epidemic. As I like to say, more baby fat than a dumpster at an abortion clinic. At least that joke made it to its infancy. It's no surprise as far as eating health is concerned. They've literally tossed the salad. Come on, that joke eats ass. Heart disease is the number one cause of death. Fun fact. It causes erectile dysfunction. I think that's your body telling you it's not fucking around. Your arteries are stiff. Diabetes is another major health issue which also causes blindness. I thought it Was just a fucked up weight loss program where you chop your feet off. All right, that one can be a stumper. Yeah, they don't want us healthy to medical mafia. If you were healthy, then they couldn't make a cut off of you. Then they want your change. When you go to the store to cure shit like Alzheimer's, you think? I mean, the fucking nursing homes are the main reason why people go to nursing homes because of Alzheimer's. You think they want to cure that shit? Forget about it. That's it. All right, Jason Robo, ladies and gentlemen. This is your first time on the show, right, Jason? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. Are you as homeless as you look? No, I just went to Ecuador. You went to what? Ecuador. Ecuador. Okay. And you came back like this? Ayahuasca. Sylvester Stallone. What do you think? Does the dog know it's homeless? It's a tiny house on wheels. A little different, a little higher class. Is it an rv? No, it's an ATV trailer. I converted ATV trailer. Okay. And it's connected to like a truck or something? Yeah, I got a Toyota pickup. Okay, cool. I love it. How long you been doing standup? About 13 years. I did activism in college. Tried to start a revolution. Ate shit and all the people that voted for me got fucked over. You do look like the kind of guy that tries to start a revolution. What was the revolution that you tried to start exactly? Fighting against the war on drugs and. Wait, you're against the war on drugs? You look like the frontman of the drugs. Were you fighting for the drug side? Which side were you on? I was against, like, they make cannabis legal, Using racism against Mexicans, basically. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's separate the words a little bit. You're talking incursive right now. Okay, so what? It's all right. Nice and enunciated. 13 years of stand up. I need to be able to understand you here. So what. What about cannabis and Mexicans and racism? Oh, they used. They said the super strength, stony, bloodthirsty Mexicans are raped their way across America or some crazy shit. Kind of like the killer beast thing. That didn't happen. Oh, this is amazing. Okay, that last comedian that just walked off, did you ask him for money recently and then ask him for more money right afterwards? I'm just kidding. Okay, so you're saying that who was racist? Who? The government. Government and the media, basically, they just want us all hate each other. So I like to say they just like to rub in our third eye and make it more of a turd eye. Okay. All right. Okay. What do you. Where do you. What do you do? Like, what does a day look like for you? Like, I know it's not work. I'm guessing you don't have an actual job. Right after I graduated, I worked in the canvas industry and met growers up in Humboldt in Northern California. And yeah, basically that industry has gone down the toilet, so I started doing body works. I stacked a bunch of wellness certificates and fitness and nutrition and stuff. And. Yeah, so I help people. I do, like, some pretty intense body work. What kind of body work? What does that mean to you exactly? It's like heavy duty reflexology. So I use, like, shark's teeth and, like, crystals to poke people's toes and fingers. It's hardcore. Wow. Yeah. What do you do with the shark's teeth? Let's go one by one here. What exactly do you do with the shark's teeth? There's some people out here that look like they could use some real reflexology help. Whatever. Well, I mean, shoes basically, like, make our feet like this. Imagine if your hands were like that. It would suck. You know what I'm saying? So, I mean, a lot of people worried about the Jews, but I'm worried about the shoes. Wow. You have some of the most hippie dippy nursery rhymes I've ever heard in my life. But I bet you freestyle better than the last guy, believe it or not, Mike. So how long have you had this dog for? He's just turned 14. I had him when he was a few months old. Yeah. Oh, that's adorable. What's the dog's name? Yarn B. He's been in the news a couple times too. He rides in a backpack on a motorcycle. He wears doggles. Oh, nice. Okay. All right. The first, it's good. They put the helmet on the dog on a motorcycle. Amazing. So, like, what's. How exactly do you make money now? I go to festivals, so I've been traveling. I moved here in March and, yeah, basically just been around for about a month, month and a half. I probably tried to get on the show a few dozen times, actually, when I was taking a break from trimming weed. I wrote your Wikipedia years ago. You wrote my Wikipedia? Yeah. Wow. I've always wondered who the does look it up. Yeah, it says Strictly Rebel. Did it have a bunch of rhymes in it? Yeah, no, I just heard you on Rogan and I appreciated what you were doing. And you say you used to be vegan. I'm vegan. And I'm like, yeah, like you're. You're kind of brother, whatever, you know, I just figured I'd burn some time. Yeah, I. I became a lot happier and more successful when I started eating meat. Just to let you know, it's 13 years. I'm doing good. I don't think I was ever like this. No. No, I don't think so. The ayahuasca, man. No, I don't think so. What is the drug of choice nowadays? Jason Robo. I do this thing called rape or hoppe. Has anybody heard of it? Nope. Yeah, it's like a grounding thing. You put a medicinal tobacco mixed with different medicinal herbs and you blow it up your nose instead of snorting it. Yeah. Pretty intense. You blow it up your nose? Yeah. There's different plants, they mix into it. Yeah. Okay. How often do you do that? Daily. I do it like before and after clients to clear my energy and. Yeah, it's wild. You're like a real guy, huh? This isn't a character or anything. This is you. What I do. Okay, let me ask you this. What do you think is the most hippie, ish. Like, you know what you are like the crystals and you're wearing a. You're wearing a, like, yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah, that's the nicest way of putting it. Yeah. All these things. So I'm gonna ask you this. What do you think is the most hippie, dippy thing that you've ever done? Like, I mean, what is that extreme? And you know what I'm talking about because, you know, I saw you smiling. Bucket. Wait in a bucket. No, come on, that's. I would expect that of you. I want you to surprise me with this answer. I want to hear the extreme, like, thing where you're like, God, this is crazy for even me. I'll let you think about that one while I ask you the opposite question. Yeah. What do you think is the most, say, conservative or, you know, venture to save an almost Republican esque think thing that you've ever done before where you're like, God, this is so against my character, but I'm going to do it anyway. I don't know, maybe call the cops when some guy attacked me with a knife. Okay, call the cops on somebody while being attacked with a knife. This is how these people think, by the way. Like, oh, I don't really want to do it. It. This is so conservative. But I guess I'll do it since I'm being stabbed right now. Revolutionary, man. I usually have a knife too, but. Yeah, you have a knife. Not with me, not with you, but yeah. Where did this happen? Where did the attack with the knife happen? It was in Northern California, actually. Was riding my bike to a house at a grossing and to the what? It's an indoor grow grow scene. That's what we call it. There was a guy last week talking about being a grower. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay, let's go back one more time. Let's see if you thought of anything. The most hippie ish thing you've ever done. Because you are an extreme character. I have to tell you, we've never really had anything quite like you on here. Like your dog is so at peace. It's asleep right now. It's like you have them on the same tranquilizers the Longhorns give Bevo before a big football game. You ever seen this mascot? I love it. And it all makes sense, by the way. It all makes sense. Nothing better for the Texas mascot than a fully grown bull on tranquilizers just drooling on itself. Okay, I've given you enough time to think about. I think the crystals on the toes is like. All right, if you don't have an answer, Red band has something obnoxious about that. It was an hour to do it. Here you go, Red band. Is there a crystal that like really pisses you off, like you don't want anything to do with it? There it is, right on cue, everybody. And definite unanswerable question. I got another diabetes joke about the blindness thing and basically the, you know, processed sugar causes your eyeballs to cloud because of it. So basically your vision isn't crystal clear. Something probably that. That's what I thought you were gonna say. There you go. All right, Jason. Pretty. Pretty interesting character. So you've been doing stand up, did you say 13 years? Yeah, I got 25000 YouTube subs. I got some mixes on there. My George carlin mix has 6 million plus views. Yeah, what's your George? It's a mix of what? His best material. You said he found his true voice after 92, so I use all that and I like audio level it all. So I think you're going to have your best material after 92 as well. The age of 92, perhaps. Fun times today, Jason. Very fun interview. You definitely are an original character. There's a medium sized joke book. Jason Robo, ladies and gentlemen. All right, well I have a special treat for all of you, ladies and gentlemen. One of our elite regulars of all time is here for you. He is a reigning defending kil, Tony hall of Fame member that is here to grace us with his presence. I present to you one of the greatest to ever do it here on Kill Tony. With hundreds and hundreds of appearances, this is the long awaited return of David Lucas, everybody. Yeah, BLM said there's no such thing as black on black crime. Well, what I want to know is who was that nigga who broke into my house last night? He wasn't white. Trump said that Tylenol is making kids retarded. I do believe him because the last few bitches I had sex with all had retarded kids. They never let you know they kids is retarded. They just put them in the back of the house. And you gotta hear that nigga. I was in the middle of having sex with this one girl, and next thing I know, her fucking door bust down and in comes 6, 6, 11 years old, butt ass naked in dinosaur slippers. And I'm like, hey, bitch, what the fuck is that? She's like, that's my autistic son. I'm like, I almost shot this nigga, bitch. I didn't. I didn't know you lived with a Texas Chainsaw Massacre. She was like, let me put him back to sleep. He was having a bad dream. I said, bitch, I'm having a bad dream. I just seen a retarded nigga's dick. How you think I feel? She was like, we can finish fucking. I'm like, I'm good. I don't want no more of that retarded producing pussy you got. My dick is inside of itself. But I'd rather fuck a bitch with a handicapped kid than a retarded kid. Because, like, at least if she got a handicapped kid, she probably drives a van, and I like space. And I'd sit in the front seat and recline my seat on that nigga's legs. I just be. I'd be like, shut up complaining. You can't feel them legs anyway. All right, that's my time. Hell, yeah. David Lucas showing us how it's done. He's done it again. Oh, yeah. Squeeze that jacket together. Can you zip that thing up? Tony Yayo ain't been this close to a gay since he partied with Diddy. Oh, my God. Oh, not me. Not me. I ain't never been through it before. Yes, you did. Slice Stallone. Have you ever been to a Diddy party? Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. I went to all of them at this that looked like when SpongeBob had the muscles don't come at salon, man. Hell yeah. I'll mess you up. That teach power clean get. Yeah, yeah. See if this orbits around you. This guy coming out the stone. Come on. I'm a legend, sir. I don't even know who this is with this wig on, bro. It's sliced alone. What are you talking about? It's the actual slice, Stallone. This is like a. This is like your fight. This is like a different fight stone. Like blubber language. Yeah, it's like. It's like Showtime at the Apollo Creed. That got Ellen's face with Joe Rogan's midsection. Ellen Rogan, body ass. Come on, man. That's not funny. I got oz epic face. Yeah. Try to lose some weight. Hell, yeah. Tony. Yo, what's up? That look like a poisonous snake. He stuck his tongue out before he walked out here to check the temperature in the room, you know? You know, all I think about is that Austin barbecue when I see you. Motherfucker playing me. What kind of sweats are those? Slim Fit, what you got on? Chill off of me, man. When you take that hat off your back, scales come with it. N stop. You look like a. You look like a retired racehorse, nigga. Not that one. What size is that shirt, though, buddy? What is that, a 5x6x? Yeah. You look like Scooby Doo. Daddy wrote. You got that one. Yo, I'm leaving you alone. David Lucas has arrived. All the other kids with the pumped up kicks. Better, right? I love it. David. I don't call you gay 10,000 times, Tony. I don't know what else to call yourself to it. I know. Okay, Very good. I'm joking, bro. Well, I know you're joking, but every time you say that word, we. Oh, cut it out, Red, man. My bad. We're gonna cut it out. We're gonna cut you a homosexual. They should use that word, bro. Okay, you can't say homosexual. What the. Yes, you can. Oh, yeah. All right. Just waiting for you to. Okay. Take a breath. Lord knows you need it. That is an incredible haircut that you have. What. What exactly do you ask the barber for when you go in there? The. The Starlink antenna? Like, what do you. Does your head get its own WI fi? I asked for the Whoopi Goldberg. That is crazy. From Sister Act. That thing. That thing is hanging on by thread back there. Look at that. Oh, my God. You are something else. So, David, what's been going on in life, man? Touring on the Killers of Kill Tony tour. You know what I'm saying, bro? Working on a lot of stuff. 2026 is looking real exciting, dog. You know what I'm saying? Yep. Yes. You already know. Kill Tony, bro. They don't even know how big it's about to be. 2026 is what David sees when he stands on a scale now. 2026 is how many you up? Texts you got in your phone. What you up Like a about to come through. And yeah, yeah, you up, Tony. I got the eggs. I know you got the meat. That's what the trainer at your gym texts you and you're like, yep, I'm up. Cholesterol's up, blood pressure's up, weight's up, everything's up. I love it, David. Well, you're one of the best regulars in the show's history. You did it again. So much fun. Always comes in like a wrecking ball. And that's just the way he's shaped the great David Lucas. Look, his hair waves goodbye. I think it gave me the middle finger there at the end. This podcast is sponsored by Amazon Prime. The holidays can sneak up on you. You know, work parties, family gatherings, last minute gifts. That's why Amazon prime is a real lifesaver. This season, with Prime's fast free shipping, last minute gifting is no stress. Forget a present for a friend or family member. Needs something for tonight's holiday party, prime gets it to you fast, turning holiday panic into a smooth win. I love Amazon Prime. I Prime every day. You know, prime isn't just about speed. It's your secret weapon for making sure you never miss a moment that matters. Wow. Red band. That is so touching. This season, you can count on prime to deliver fast during the holidays. Just when you need it most, Last minute gifts delivered. It's on Prime. This podcast is brought to you by 420com. People ask me all the time, do you miss California? The truth is, I miss the weed. California has the best weed in the world. The best cannabis in the world. 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Use the code name Tony to get 25 off and this episode is brought to you by 420.com California delivered. All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool is Ben Dalke. Ben Dalke, everyone. Here we go. I think I have a bad handshake. So I did some research, and apparently Trump and Bill Clinton are the world's top handshakers. I read that Bill Clinton's handshake is known for being both warm and personal, which is definitely interesting for a guy who rapes. Whereas Trump's handshake is more of a dominant power move. A handshake that makes people go, oh, yeah, this guy rapes. And I've been told my handshake is both smooth and pliable. A handshake that makes everybody go, oh, yeah, this guy's gonna get raped. For some reason, people think I rape, but I'm not strong enough to rape with force. I can only rape with drugs. I'm skinny and I have skinny arms. But I read that your legs are about twice as strong as your arms, so maybe I should try raping with my legs instead. Okay. All right, well, feel like we're all gonna get raped right now. I mean, that is a rape. Heavy set, dude. And you, do you have that energy? Have you been on this show before? One time, yeah. Okay. I couldn't tell if I've seen you here or just in my nightmares. Ben, remind us, how long you been on stand up comedy? Like, two and a half years. Two and a half years. And how old are you? 22. 22, okay, so you started young. How's it going for you? Pretty good. Yeah? Yeah. I don't know. Not that good. Okay, perfect, perfect. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? Nothing right now. How do you survive? I have a bit of money from, like, military pension. How much? Apple Store will hire anyone. How much money do you have saved up? I'm always intrigued by how people survive. Like 30,000. 30,000. Okay, good. And you were in the military? No, it's from my grandparents. Whatever. Shut up, you. You inherited money from your dead grandparents? Yeah. Okay, got it. So you got 30 grand. What's your living situation like? Live in an apartment by yourself? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. One bedroom. Yeah. Okay. Very good. That's amazing. So how do you spend most of your time, Ben, when you're not doing stand up at night? What else? Seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a pair of binoculars, go to the playground. What do you do, Ben? Play a lot of games. Yeah, what kind of games? You ever play Death stranding? I've never played anything that you've played, without a doubt. But I guess the answer is what is it? Death, what Stranding. And that's a video game. Okay, Is that just online? No, it's online. The TV screens. Yes. No. It's a very long game though. It's a very slow game though that you're playing, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm not done with it yet. This is our senior video game correspondent, the Duke of do nothing over here. So Ben, what do you think's the most interesting thing about your entire life? You're 22 years old. There must be some fun fact about you, something that happened to you before you're a fam. Family trauma story or something interesting about you? I did recently start getting. Oh my God. There you go. He got. Wait, no, he's getting, ladies and gentlemen. And, and, and what? So what is this transition like for you? You're getting. Did they. Tony, do you see a smile? Not to do you see. When you say getting. Smile again. So you're transitioning, you're getting a. Is what you're saying. Is that right? That's what everyone thinks, right? Exactly. Okay, so how did you start getting. Ben, take us through this. Because if you can get. This is proof that anybody can get. Take us through it. Ben. Honestly, it was completely an accident. Yeah, perfect. Unlike the rapings that you're used to. To which are very purposeful rapings. So let's talk about the accidental pussy. Yeah. No, I started banging an open micr. How does that happen? Take us through it. So you perform, she comes up to you and goes, I think you're really funny. I hope you don't rape me. No, she said that she wanted to bully me. And then I, I was like, that doesn't sound fun. And then I felt gay for not letting her bully me. And. Okay, and then what happened? Exactly what happened? Let her bully me. Right, but what does that mean, her bullying you? What is that? What did she say about you do. What is bullying to her? She said I looked like a school shooter. Uh huh. Well, we all thought that, but like there must be layers to it, right? Was there more? Well, I mean, for some reason she's attracted to that, huh? And then what? You took her back to your place? Yeah. And then what happened? Like, botched having sex, I think. Let's talk about it. How did you botch having sex? Here we go. We're getting there, Ben. One step at a time. Just every time you say something, just pretend like I go, and then what happened after that? And then it's going to be good. A good interview. When I go like this, just know that means and then what happened? Okay, go ahead. No, I'm pretty sure I have erectile dysfunction, so. Yeah. So my dick didn't get hard. What was she doing? Was she trying to. Was she using her hand? Her mouth? How do you know you couldn't get hard? You were there. I know. This is your story. I know. Are you writing it right now? No. Okay, so like, you were there and then what happens? You guys start making out? Yeah. Yeah. And then what happened? Nothing after that, pretty much. It was pretty bad. I mean, not really, but like, did you take. Go ahead, slice the level. I'm just like. That's not getting pushed. See? Let him know. She literally just bullied you and then left afterwards. I get it though. The woman's vagina is a scary place, you know, and every like three or four weeks they get their pyramid and it's a total mess. So I get it. Sometimes cologne gets a dis function too. The great Sylvester stallone Plugging Kyle Dunnigan.com on this appearance. Must be a fan of Kyle Dungan. We've seen this before. Elon Musk plugged Kyle Dunnigan. Bill Maher, the great Bill Maher plugged Kyle Dunnigan. A lot of these big stars come on here and their careers are so good that they plug Kyle Dunnigan. How cool is that? Who's on a sold out tour right now? All around the country. Okay, so did you try to hook up with this girl again after this one experience? Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. So eventually I was able to her. Yeah. How were you able to her? I love it. Sure. Get it out of your systems. All right. The sounding lights, the lighting guy. Keno's going crazy, setting off the lights. How did you. You find it within yourself? What tricks did you use? What did you do to make it work? Lots of self talk, I think. Like what? What were you saying to yourself? Positive affirmation. Like what? You are enough. There you go. You got there. Was there anything else you were telling yourself you are enough. She's not just lying. Wow. Only some of its lies. So amazing. So let's just let's face it. So, okay, so the first time you get hard, right? And you're with her, Was this the second time you guys hung out? I would say so, yeah. I would guess. You would guess. Okay. Yeah. So you get hard and then what happens? Fumble around for a bit. What? Just fumble around for a bit. Fumble around. So what exactly does that mean to you? You just did something with your hand there. What does that mean? Go. Go soft again and gummy worm her. Huh? And then. And then. But then at some point, you were able to tell yourself that you're enough. And then it got hard again. So how long do you think you lasted? You put your wiener inside of her vagina, right? Huh? And then how long do you think that lasted for Ben? 35 seconds. 35 seconds. Finally, a very straight answer. This is the. This is. And then. So at 35 seconds, you feel it starting to happen and you pull out. Yeah. And then where. Where do you. Where do you finish at? Where did you shoot your load? On her stomach. On her stomach. Very good. I would have expected something weirder than that. I would have thought you would have, like, been shy and shot it on the floor. Just on. On your own pillow or something like that, like. But, wow, you went for it. And did she like it? Did she make any noises or anything? What. What was she. What were the. What type of noises was she making during this? 35 seconds? Can you do an impression? Go ahead. Give us a spotlight here. Kino. This is the girl during. Go ahead. Ah. All right. No one believes that. Bring the lights back up. Slice Stallone. You think that's how it went down? Yeah, pretty much. Usually goes, all right, were you attracted to her? Like, was that the problem? Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. You liked her? Yeah. Yeah, she's pretty. Yeah. All right, any of you, you've been doing this regularly since then, or was it just that one time? Not regular. How often? Once a week. Every day. What are we talking here? Probably like once a week. All right, very good. Very good. And you're excited about it? Yeah. Have you gotten better than 35 seconds since then? Barely. Barely? Wow. Incredible. It's not that bad for 22. Ben, you're not doing that bad, all right? The whole set was rapey and weird. So you're getting a little joke book. There you go. Sign up again and we'll see what you talk about next time. Been doing it two and a half years. You gotta have something other than rape jokes. There he goes. Ben Dalkey, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Okay, this looks Like a fun name. Let's see what this is all about. Make some noise for neat. Nino, everybody. Nino is next here on Kiltoni. What the is up? I don't know if you guys could tell by the way I'm dressed, but I am an essential worker. Okay, cool. Don't clap, but yeah, I deliver groceries for a living. Without me, Westlake and BK would starve. Alright? Austin needs me. And I think I speak for all delivery drivers when I say this. If you live in an apartment complex, do not order groceries online, okay? That is for homeowners only. Because every time I go to shitty apartment complex, you're on the 12th floor, your elevator don't work and you don't tip. Speaking of no tips if you're Indian. I'm not talking about Native Americans. I'm talking about dash for my duck. Don't order groceries online, okay? Taj beer. I swear, next time you order with me, dude, I'm gonna rub a chicken masala all over my nuts and give you some real spice. Bam. All right, that's my time, guys. Thank you, Nino. Hi, Nino. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back. Thank you. That went pretty well, huh? Yeah, it was good. Was that your best set on the show so far? Yeah, it was very good. I love it. So you've been delivering groceries. How long you been doing stand up? Gonna be four years in May. Four years. And where are you originally from? I'm from SoCal. Okay. Santa Ana, Orange County. Okay, you're getting specific there. Welcome. Oh, okie dokie. And how long have you been in Austin? Almost about four years too as well. I started here doing stand up as well, so. Oh, cool. And you've been delivering groceries that whole time? About two and a half years. All right. And so a lot goes on in the grocery delivery business. I'd imagine when the elevators work, it's not that bad, right? No, it's not. Okay, but sometimes the elevators don't work. Yeah, don't worry, you got to use the stairs. People in apartments for some reason want to order the heaviest shit too. Cases of water, dog food. Just dumb shit, bro. I hate it. Okay, all right. What do you do when you're not doing stand up or delivering groceries? Well, I'm not on the spectrum, but I collect toy cars. You do? Yeah, like Hot Wheels. 1:8 scale. Toys, trailers, replicas. You guys want to see the smallest toy car in the world? Yeah. Is it in your urethra? So this is called a Micro Mini and Tony, open it up. I want you to open it up. It's a really grab it by the front wheels and open it up. Is that like a micro machine? Yeah, no, take out. Take out the car. Oh, there's a smaller car in there. Smallest toy car in the world, right? Wow, that's amazing. That is indeed a very small car. There it is. I don't even. Yep. It's so small. There you go. I'm gonna put it there. Okay. So that's a small car. Yes. I love it. You must get all the. I'm single ladies. They know. They know. Has a woman ever flirted with you while you're delivering groceries? School? No, not really. A lot of my customers are old people. So they'll bake me like cookies, give me candies, stuff like that. So not really like hot, sexy ladies? No. Nice. What do you do for fun around Austin? Let's see. I like to go bar hopping sometimes. I hooked up with my first guilt a couple weeks ago. What is a guilt, Guilph is a grandma like to. Oh, wow. So how old a ballpark was this lady? She was probably. No lie. Probably like 65. Wow. Where'd you find her at? Shout out to Deborah with an H. Wow. She literally told me that. She was like, my name's Deborah with an H. I was like, all right, cool. Hell yeah. So where'd you meet this old bag of buns? I met her at the. At the airport bar. Right here in Austin? Yeah. Wow. So I was on my way for one of my friends weddings in California. And before my flight, I was like, I'll have a drink. So I was at the bar, I saw she was sitting by herself. I saw she had a fat ass. I was like, oh. I was like, all right, cool. So I made my way next to her. We started talking next, you know, I got her information. She was like, yeah, hit me up when you come back. And I was like, all right, cool. I hit her up. We went to some. I think she was staying out in Pflugerville. I want to say. That's where they live. That's where. That's where thick ass 65 year olds live, isn't it? So she took me to like this local brewery. Ah, do you see him there? Pflugerville. With an H. I know. Yeah, that's right. That's right. And long story short, we had a couple drinks, we kicked it off, we went back to my car. Oh, this one, this one right here. What? It was actually a bigger car. Okay, what's what kind of Car do you have? What kind of Honda Civic do you have? No, it's actually a Kia. Shout out to the Kia boys. Wow. Yeah. Sportage. No, it's Forte. Forte. Ooh. GT. GT. Wow. You took a. You. You took a 65 year old to a 4T. Okay. Yeah. And then what happened? And then we started talking, then we started hooking up. You're in the driver's seat, she's in the passenger seat. And when you say. And when you say hooking up, you mean like. Yeah, we're making it, you know. Right. So it's always an interesting predicament when you're in the front of a car. So who do you think was doing more of the leaning? Are you guys meeting in the dead center? You ride over the stick shift? I kind of put my seat back a little bit. Ah, set the mood a little bit. Yep. And she's. She's taller than me. She's probably like 5 10. I'm 5 7. Yep. So I leaned back a little bit. We start. She like, gets on top of me a little bit. We're hooking up. Okay. So she's the more aggressive one. She is. But then I'm like, it. Like I start. Pull it on my pants. Oh, is this in the parking lot at the brewery? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Nino, you really do collect Hot Wheels. Okay, so you start pulling down your pants right then and there. You got nothing to lose. And then she. She puts, you know. Yeah, yeah, she. She puts my dick in her hand, starts jacking me off, and then she starts giving me sloppy toppy, dude. Wow. It was the best. Damn. The bet. The best way I could describe it is like, fellas, remember when you were a kid and you go in a Jacuzzi and you put your dick inside the jet? That's exactly how it fell, dude. Just hot, sloppy. It was the best. Wow. So Flugerville. Yeah. That's amazing. You got Sloppy Toppy from an oldie Goldie. Yeah. Hell yeah. You got some of that. That. Deborah, if you're seeing this, call me. I miss you. Wow. So she finished you off right there in the parking lot? Yeah, I. I try not to. Not quick. I probably lasted about four minutes top. There you go. According to a lot of the people that have been on tonight's show, you're a professional porn star. So four and a half minutes is a real humdinger. That's incredible, dude. Absolutely incredible. Amazing. So then what happened? After she finishes you off, do you just drop her off back? No. So she wanted to make out with me. But I got kind of grossed out cuz she just swallowed my c. You're damn right. And I was kind of like, oh no. Like back up right. But I still made out with her. It. Hell yeah, dude. We went for seconds. We went for seconds. You a crazy. I would like you to find. Christ, young man. Who the is this? I don't know anymore. Oh, wow. Big fan, dude. Yeah. You look good, man. You look good. It's one of Deborah's favorite actors. Did you. Deborah too, dude. I mean, a long time ago. Oh, D man is famous homophobe on this show. After you. After you made out with a girl. After coming in her mouth. He's gone. He's. I can't take this no more. Hell yeah. All right, Nino. Well, you did. You did okay. You talked about your actual job. It was pretty decent. So you're getting a big joke book. Congratulations, Nino. There you go. Thank you, guys. All right. Oh, you want the car back? Wow, what a cheap you are. I keep this one. Okay, cool. I mean, what the hell's the point? The car holder car. What am I going to do with that? I'm going to throw it in the crowd after the show. That's what I'm going to do. 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Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Man, this shit feel good, man. I used to actually hate rich people before I got money. I did. You know rich people got different debit cards than us. They got. Maybe some of y' all got them out here, these little 22 pound, bulletproof, solid metal debit cards made out of vibranium from Wakanda. Have y' all seen these motherfuckers? And then did it meet. The thing is my debit card, that shit, if I throw it up in the air, it's gonna be a minute before it hit the ground. If somebody opened the door, that shit gonna go right back to the top. Sometimes if I'm high and I'm bored, I just go with my debit card. You know, rich people got heavy debit cards so they can break down cocaine better. Meanwhile, I can just roll my blunts in my debit card and Navy Federal don't give a fuck about me. But it's cool though, because, like, now that I got famous success, I get to talk to people that like. Like have done it. So when I get to talk to Tony, I was. I first day I got regular, I was like, yo, what should I look out for? And Tony was like, stay off the comments on Reddit. They're mean and racist. They say things I wouldn't say. If Tony wouldn't say, I wouldn't do it. But the thing was, is that when he told me, I just had to appreciate it. But I wanted to laugh in his face because he don't know me like that for 20 years. Before that, I was working customer service. They said it to my face, dude. I was working at a car wash in Atlanta for 17 years and a girl walked. This old ass fucking lady, 65 years old walked into me and she called me the hard R. And that shit hurt my feelings. Cause I wasn't even being one at the time. Had she caught me in some niggardly activity, I would have been like, touche. We weren't shooting dice, selling crack, rapping when you walked up. I was just a GM at a goddamn car wash. But basically the situation happened where she came to my car wash 10 years before, and then when she showed up, the prices were higher 10 years later like they do everywhere else in the fucking world, right? Cause today's price is not yesterday's price. But not to this racist ass bitch. She ran up to me, she said, you niggers are always raising price. And I was like, actually, man, we devalue the neighborhood. If you gonna be racist, be right. I hate a lazy racist. That's my time, bitch. Unbelievable. The great Dedrick Flynn with a brand new 2 minutes and 40 seconds. Yeah. Doing more work than he has to do, unlike his people normally do. Normally they show up late and leave Early. Not Deadrick. Not Deadrick. It wasn't a good job before, but now I'm on time. Yeah. You really worked customer service at a car wash? I was customer service. Car wash. I worked fucking restaurants that. I hated that car wash. What did you do at restaurants? Months. Serve tables, serve beer. I just. I used to believe in people right before. Before I work customer service. If somebody died on the news, like eight people died. My whole family would have come together and pray for their family. And then I served one shift, and they were like, six people died. I was like, good. You should have called me. It could have been 12. Was it like a chain restaurant that we would know, or was it. Yeah. Long. Logan's Roadhouse. Texas Roadhouse. I hate all them bitches, bro. They fired the fuck out of me. Cause I fought somebody. You did? Yeah. One lady. St. Patty's Day weekend, I was working at Logan's roadhouse in Savannah, Georgia, where they had, like, the biggest, like, St. Patty's Day parade. A lady poured mashed potatoes on my head. Oh, no. And then I beat up her husband. Yep. Cause I'm Southern. You can't hit women that good. I wanted to really take it out on that. I. I whooped his ass. But they got mad at me for it, so I don't work there no more. Wow. She poured mashed potatoes on your head. Did she warn you? Was there? Were you guys. Arg. Was even my shift, Tony. I was covering another shift. I shouldn't have been there. What was the reason for it, though? What she get? So she got her a steak, and then she just wanted to keep complaining cuz she wanted a free steak. And I was like, hey, I can't do nothing for you. I'm a server here. They throw peanuts on the ground there. Yeah. If you want a good steak, go where they don't throw food on the ground. Right? Yeah. Yep. That is true. Dedrick, what else is going on? What's the update on your. On your big, amazing advancement in life? I'm on tour. Yeah. I'm going in. I don't know where y' all from, but I'm coming in. I'm in the mafia now. I get to go everywhere. All the. You know, it's funny, all the booking places, they hit me up for the, like, they'd be like, hey, can you come headline here? But the message before that was like, hey, I'm new in town. Yeah, if I can get a guest spot, that'd be cool. Red not responded right now they want me to headline because they supposed to. Yep. The game has changed. Slice Stallone. Hey, yo. I'm just sick of it. What the. I'm sorry. I'm too high for you. Did not know you was there. A lot of experience. I just suggest that you sell your mouth and buy a diversified portfolio. Like a good etf. Like a basket of funds. You do what? Thank me? Yeah. You know. You know I'mma kill Tony regular. I don't need to sell to make money. Look at this. Here's the before and after. This is Dedrick 40 years later, ladies and gentlemen. Here it is. This is what happens. I would never be blind. He chose that. Is anyone. Has anyone in your family ever had diabetes? Yeah, my dad. Yeah, you're gonna be blind, but it's cool. Blind guys can be like rock stars and that's a whole thing. Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder. D Madness. D Madness. Rocking the Heisenberg hat tonight. He don't know what does. He never seen Breaking Bad. He ain't seen a lot of stuff. Yeah, he hasn't. He hasn't seen. You ever heard Breaking Bad? Yeah, he has. He has. D Madness. What's your favorite you. You ever listen to a Sylvester Stallone movie? Oh, you ain't near the mic. You're good. We got him. He's picked up. We got it. Rambos. Oh, Collateral Damage. Sliced alone. You have any. You have any behind the scenes info on the. What it was like filming Collateral Damage. I see the wheels turning over there. I remember ever making a movie called Collateral Day. I made so many movies. You know, there's Rambo 1, Rambo 2, Rambo 3. Rambo. I kind of Rambo 3. I regret you ever see that. You know I fought for the Taliban in Rambo 3. That is a fact. Huh? I gave a young kid a knife at the end. I think he hijacked the plane. Years later, I don't know. You ever see Rambo 3 here? Perfect, Dedrick. Another unbelievable set. I mean, you are just a freak of nature. We love you. I love you. There he goes. The great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. We're having fun here tonight. Back to the bucket. We got. By the way, I thought that was adorable that he said like a gold plated. A debit card instead of a credit card. I've never seen like a debit card. Wait till he finds out about credit cards. We are watching a kid's full. Like we are going to watch Dedrick grow up in front of our very eyes. Some people got lot debit cards. Some people be having heavy Debit cards like he has no idea what credit even is. He almost fainted when Sylvester Stallone said, diversified portfolio. We're gonna get to watch him learn everything. Oh, wow. Okay, we've seen this guy before on this show. I mean, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for what some people are calling a local legend. This is the return, I believe, the second time ever, of Keegan Carmichael. Everybody, Here we go. A guy strikes out 9 times out of 10. I don't know who the 10th girl is, but tell her to throw the ball. I was at the bakery. They were, like, baked fresh daily. Yeah, me, too. I wish I had a burrito restaurant, because burritos roll free delivery if you live downhill. Our only competitors. A can of soup. Hey, I have a car. It's not pushed to start, but it is pushed to keep going. Come on, guys, push. Oh, we just got passed by a burrito. Thank you, Keegan Carmichael. Welcome back, Keegan. Now, the last time you were on this show, all we talked about the entire time was how you reminded us of Mitch Hedberg. And after a lot of, you know, I talked to people, and, you know, word gets around about the guy that looks and sounds and delivers like Mitch Hedberg. And it turns out that you're a genuinely very funny guy that just happens to look like and have the delivery of Mitch Hedberg. It's pretty interesting. It's kind of like, tony, what the fuck happened, man? That's a 180 right there. What do you mean? What? He what? Yeah, that's what I'm saying is that the first time we're like, oh, my God, this guy's ripping off Mitch Hedberg. And like I said, I've heard from some of my associates that that's. It turns out that you do this every night, that you're a good writer. You. They've seen you do longer sets, and it's just who you are. Thank you, associates. This is what I mean. He's a funny guy. Hi. Okay, so, Keegan, tell us more about your life. What exactly do you do with what's a Day in the Life of Keegan Carmichael? Like, I just been watching, like, a lot of Nat Geo. Like, I learned a lot about whales. Yeah, what you learn? Every whale was a sperm whale. Then I watched an episode about kangaroos, and I learned a lot about kangaroos. Huh. What'd you learn about kangaroos? Like, the mama kangaroo kept the baby in her pouch. The daddy kangaroo kept the baby in his sack. Yep, that checks out. What else, Keegan? How do you make money, Keegan. That's what the world really wants to know. I deliver food on a bike. Ah. That's why I see you. I see you all the time riding your bike. Bike all the time. You do? Yeah, Five times since he's been on the show. Wow. You just see him, like, out on the streets riding his bike. Do you have, like, a basket on your bike? How do you do it? No, that cost $100, and that's fucking crazy. I just. I hold it. Oh, that'll make more sense later. Anyways, you'll see what I mean. No, but it's cool. I delivered to Coach Sarkeesian this week. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. The head coach of the Texas Longhorns. What did he order? Mary's Cafe. Okay. What did he get? I don't know, man. Okay, isn't that like a doctor? Confident. Yeah, but I told him, like, I shot my shot. I was like, hey, if you need someone on special teams, you know, I'm your guy. No, he was like, no, You should play quarterback. Why? Why would he invite you to play quarterback? They got a lot of nil money, Tony. I don't. There's enough to go around. I don't. Do you know how to throw a football? Mm. Really? Kind of dumbass question. Yeah, that's a very good question. You seem. You don't seem that mobile. You kind of sway a lot, you see? Yeah, it's called pocket presence. Oh, my goodness gracious. You know about this? I never would have guessed this. Wow. But on a serious note, that really did happen. And I will go to usc, so that's a different school. Yeah, well, I don't think he took me seriously. Huh. All right, okay. Keegan, what else? Keegan, what else is going on in life? Anything else interesting? I have a cast iron pan. We know about this. I think we talked about this last time. How's it been going with the cast iron pan? I don't know. I just wanted to mention, like, last time I was on, I said I was a father to a pan, and everyone was like, missed the opportunity to name him Peter. No, my pan's name is Glenn Frey because he performs when the heat is on. Keegan, you are two of a kind. Here's a. Here's a big joke book, buddy. I like your style. Keep signing up. There he goes. He has a little athletic prowess. He does know about pocket presence. And he did catch that joke book with gradies with his left hand. Underhand. Left handed catch. One of the hardest ways to catch a Joke book a little fun fact for you. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? All right, let's see what happens next. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Sean Cantwell, everybody. Here comes Sean Cantwell. Make some noise for Sean, everybody. All right, here he comes. Sean Cantwell. This is my first time doing stand up, so thank you. I feel honored doing it with the genius. You're grooving, right? So my name is John. I'm from. Sean Campbell. I'm from Pennsylvania. I'm from Pennsylvania. 462. Too soon. All right, anyway, so I one of those people diagnosed with, well, adhd. Right, right. Because I grew up in the area when we didn't. We didn't have helmets. All right, We. Right. You're laughing, right? Yeah. That's why I Never had kids. 47. Never kids. Because I didn't put a helmet on my kid and ride a bike. You know, I just ain't doing it right, so. And this is my first time ever doing stand up, and I'm like a ferret. I have the attention span of a ferret on crystal meth. Right, bro? Right. Come on, you got it. You got to spit on. You're like, holy, this dude spit on me. So I had a total minute planned. No, I didn't. No, I really didn't. No, seriously. What the wrong with you? What just happened? What just happened? What. What the did you just do? Sean, welcome. Hello. How are you? I'm good. Is stand up something that you've ever wanted to do before? And how long have you wanted to do? About three weeks. About three weeks. It became a passion of yours, and this is your first time ever attempting it? Yes. What made you want to do it on this show in front of this many people? Because if you got something to say, you got to say in front of the best. You're the best. Well, okay. I mean, that's very nice. I'm sorry. Okay. Pat. Sean, you are a wild, wild person. So let's just slow it down one breath at a time. How old are you? 47. What do you do for work? Entrepreneur. And then I left out to. What kind of entrepreneurial stuff have you done? I'm an investment advisor. What have you. What have you invested in? I'm not allowed to talk about that. Licensing. You're not allowed to talk about it? Non tech Texas. Not in Texas, no. It's P.A. yeah. Okay, so your investments are all in P.A. and you're not allowed to Talk about it here. It could be considered as a solicitation on. And licensing doesn't let you do it. Tony, I don't feel very safe being this. Yeah, I know. I know. Well, it's the best. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right. This is the guy that trained you in Rocky, isn't it? Oh, my God. Oh, come here. Bring it in. Bring it in. All right. Fun fact. Sean, give us a fun fact about your life. Fun fact. I trained the first professional male boxer in the United States of America. You really did? Oh, I helped train, yes. And I was a corner person. You were the corner person? No, I was the corner person. That's what I just asked. Yeah, right. Are you on something right now? Holy. It's. I can't talk about that either. Okay, well, then put the mic in the mic stand. If you can't talk about things, then. Then there's no point of doing an interview with somebody that can't answer questions about their job or anything. Wait. Yeah, wait. I understand the algorithm for 369. I really just wanted to talk to Joe Rogan and explain how the universe works. There you go, everybody. Wow. Infinity. There you go. Oh, come on. Put the mic in the mic stand. There he goes. Sean, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. Don't sign up again. Sean Cantwell, everyone. What the hell was that? Is that. Oh, that's him. All right. This message may be shocking to many millennials. If you are one, you might want to sit down right now. Loads of people are searching the following on Depop. Low rise jeans, halter top velour, tracksuit, puka shell necklace, disc belt. You likely placed these in the dark of your closet in 2004, never to be seen again. But if you can find it in yourself to dust them off, there are a lot of people who will give you money for them. Sell on Depop, where taste recognizes taste. Marshall's buyers are hustling hard to get amazing new gifts into stores right up to the last minute. Like a designer perfume for that friend who. Who never RSVP'd wishlist topping toys for her kids who came too. Belgian chocolates for the neighbor. A cozy scarf for your boss. And a wool jacket for your husband that you definitely did not almost forget. Marshalls, we get the deals, you give the good stuff, even at the last minute. Phew. Find a Marshall's near you. Okay, you know what? Let's cleanse the room with a little. A little something Special. We have a special. A special type of sage we use to cleanse the stage here at Kill Tony. He is without a doubt one of the greatest Kill Tony regular slash golden ticket winners slash forces of nature to ever come across the show. Every time he does, it's absolute insanity. You're a very lucky audience. You're here on a very special night as I present to you a man who gets to do whatever he wants on the show. A man who is the only bucket pole ever that I'm slightly afraid of. This is the great and powerful Timmy no Brains. So it's this two year old. Relax, I was one. Guys that need to get a much bigger pop. Okay? That's some funny fucking shit. All right, I need you guys. I want this clip to go fucking viral. So I need you guys to fucking. I need you guys to all stand when I do that. I want you to take your tits out. I want you to take your fucking dick out, black guy. I want. You don't like it so much, you give me a N wood pass. All right, take it from the top. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. What can I say? I mean, truly a freak of nature. A beast unlike any other. You're here on a special night as I introduce the one and the only Timmy. No breaks. So this two year old was far away. I was F4. Take it from the top. Sometimes in this world you are graced upon a presence unlike any other. Someone that is simply unlike anybody else. A man who has more power than any bucket hole in the history of the show. You're here on a special night as I present to you the old golden goose. This is Timmy. No breaks. So how about that N word? Pass. Come on, give me that. God damn. Look at this motherfucker. I'm gonna turn to my left. Yep. I'm gonna look right. Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at the panel to my left. I'm looking at the audience for a little bit, but they're turning to the left. Nope. Look at. There we go. Look at this gay. God damn, look at this gay motherfucker. Your face looks red as shit, you Nava looking motherfucker. God damn. What's your name? She squats her dick. Holy fuck. God damn. Look at this black guy. There's a black man on the table. I challenge you to a rap battle. Let's do it. What do you know about rap, bitch? Let's go. Imma suck my dick. Come over here. Get on your knees and suck my dick. That's just a. I'm Just setting the stage. All right, give me a beat now. What the fuck is that? Nah, that's not my beat. Cut it out. No, every time I do this move, I need you to hit the beat the right way. God damn. All right, every time I do this move, just this move right here. I need you to do the beat. Good. Hit me. All right, give me five words. Give me five words right now. I'm gonna use them in this beat. Tony. Tone, say five words. Okay. Horse. White. Cigarette. Gun. Whiskey. Nah, this beat sucks. Yeah. All right. Nah, this beat. Nah. That. The hell was that? Tone. God damn. Jesus Christ. Give him some gangster. You want to see some gangsta shit? I'm gonna say the N word in three, two, one. Nah, I got scared. I got scared. I got scared. I was a little afraid of that shit. God, my bad. Look at it. Look at this motherfucker. Yo ass. Nope, I'm not saying anything. You got any questions for me? I keep noticing that your lips are moving, and sometimes nothing's coming out. Wait. It appears as though if I talk the guy's move, I think. It appears as if though. It appears as though they. If I talk, his lips also move. Where the did you find this guy, Timmy? He doesn't understand the job at all. Don't. Don't break the fourth wall. Don't do that. Don't you do that. That's up to rip. It does. That's. It's up to you do. God damn, look at these lights. I'm getting tired of this shit. Look at that light. Hit me with the spotlight. I'm blind. I can't see shit. Turn off the spotlight. Oh, man, look at this. Hootie and the blowfish looking ass. Tone number two. God damn, look at the light. Anyways, any other questions for me, Tone? Wow, this is incredible. How did you transform? We watched you come out twice as yourself, and then you came back a third time as a black man. How were you able to do this? Timmy, your power is no, no bounds. Great, great question, Tone. And I know I'm turned, you know, from the camera, and that's not good for a video, but that's fine. Now, look, the last time I was on, you know, I set a bar and I was like, how do I. How do I top this bar? You know how I thought I'd do it? Blackface. That's the only way to do it, Po. It was the only way to do it. And I said, fuck it. Black face, black body. And yeah, I did just gesture to my big black cock that is something I did. Any other questions? Wow. Wow. This is incredible. Timmy, what have you been up to lately? I know you've been busy, you've been on the road, you've had a lot of opportunities lately. So what's been happening with you? What have you been up to with this? Especially with this newfound power of going, being able to change races and whatnot? Well, my. Yeah, I've been doing big shows on the road, just going around. I did, you know, I did Denver. I did your fucking mom. Boom. Got your ass. Hit me. Yeah, fucked your mom. Hit me. I was up in it so good that she was like, God damn, I want you to be my son. Hit me. She came, hit me. Any other questions? When you fucked my mom, did you do it normal or were you in this older, blacker man character that you're able to do nowadays? Do it normal, Tony. Yeah, I never do it normal. No, I fucked her like this. She, she's a saint, Tone. And, you know, I did it missionary. Wow. Yeah. This is absolute. Can I show you my dick? No, no, no. Timmy. Can I just take out my. Timmy? You definitely shouldn't. Wait, look at this, look at this, look at this bass player. Look at this bass player right there. He's right behind me. He's to my left. I'm going to turn. Nope, other left. Other left. Other left. Fuck. Look at the sex. Play at the pieces, Goomba. From Mario. What the is this guy doing? Jesus Christ. I turn left. I did it, Man. This is fun. Yeah, it is. He's lip syncing. I saw that, man. You're so fat you broke the fourth wall, you piece of. What are you doing? Who is this guy? So it's up. I don't know. This is incredible. Timmy. No breaks somehow. Absolutely not. Knowing which way to face tonight. Looks healthy, though. Looks healthier than ever. Younger. No, I don't. No, I definitely don't. Wow. Timmy, have you. Is there anything else that you do now that you can become a of part special black man? Is there anything else that you find yourself doing out in society now that you can be black? Sometimes. That's great. Really good question, Tone. I'm gonna turn my back to the audience for this one, if that's okay. Yeah. You're gonna face that way towards the audience? Nah. Yeah. Fuck em. Yeah. Ever since I became, you know, embraced the power of being an old black man that I met 10 minutes ago, I, I, I've been going to Ross dress for less a lot. I am, I'm good at basketball. I'M not racist at all. This isn't racist at all. What does it look like when you shoot a basketball? How exactly do you shoot a basketball? What is your form like? Here I go. Boom. Nothing but neck. Wow. Yeah. How about. How about throwing a football? Do you know how to throw a football? Check this out. Drop back, take it. How about bowling? Do you have a good bowling form? Yeah. Get ready for this. Get ready for this. Yeah. Looking for my ball. Bullet right into that guy's face. What else you got coming? Now I notice that you bowl left handed, but you shoot basketballs and throw footballs with your right hand. Are you ambidextrous? No, I'm just black. I mean, what can you say? What are you looking at, dumbass? Wow. Red band looks like a gray ass. God, this guy looks unhealthy. I'm looking at the ground, I'm looking all around. I'm having the time of my life up here, I gotta tell you. Oh, look at you. I thought these glasses, who needs them? Nope, I need him. Wow, Timmy. I mean, you're on a whole new level every single time you come onto the show. You're so innovative. You completely take over. This is unbelievable. In my own near just about to be 20 years in this industry, I've never seen a man with the balls, the courage and the talent to be able to switch races. I've seen people switch genders. I've seen people switch everything about themselves I've seen. But I've never seen anything like this before. Timmy, you have done it again. You have found another way to innovate and take things to a whole nother level. You're unbelievable. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Tom. Now where's. Where's my big fucking joke book? And I gotta tell you, you're also, you're showing amazing skills. Have you been trying to be a ventriloquist? Twist, because there's times where you're talking and your lips aren't moving at all. You see, I've learned tone. I'm gonna eat your. You got a. And I'm gonna eat that. Here's the big joke book, Timmy. Hey, watch me catch this. Here we go. Here it comes. You next time. Here I go. I'm leaving now. I'm going to dance a little bit, but then I'm going to go. All right, I'm walking the way. Okay, I'm walking out. Here I go. All right, I got to go now. I'll see you guys later. Oh, good to meet you, Colin. Good you to meet me. You under code. I love you. All right. Jesus. Timmy. Snapping up the blind fix player, and I gotta get the out. I'm going. I'm out. Peace. Make some goddamn noise for Timmy. No breaks, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. It's one of my favorite things ever, man. Yeah, yeah. No doubt about it. No doubt about it, Timmy. No breaks. Freak of nature has done it again. I mean, 15 minutes of absolute chaos. Back to the bucket. This is going to be hard to follow. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Cassaday. How we all doing tonight? You guys ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 27 times. It's awkward when they tell you to stop doing it, you keep. No, it's my fault. The first time, actually, I was about 5, and I said, what do you want for your birthday? I said, I want to watch Fucking should have said Big Wheel, stupid. Actually, my father passed away not too long ago. I'm pretty happy about that now. He left me his motorhome, and I'm living in at about two miles away from here, so I get to sign up all the time. It's pretty awesome. But I've had a hard time talking about it with all my black friends because I don't want them to think I'm appropriating their culture by not having a father now. Which got me thinking about Star wars and how Anakin Skywalker was white. Damn. But then as soon as he turned black, he left his kids and. Nah, that's right. All right, that's all I got. Thanks, guys. Okay, Patrick Cassidy. All right, there's a little something there. I can see the premise that you were going with. When Anakin Skywalker turned black, coincidentally, he did leave his children. He became Darth Vader, played by a guy named Hayden, and then all of a sudden, he's 6 foot 7, played by James Earl Jones, you know? There you go. Patrick, how long you been doing stand up? About six months. This is my 33rd time on stage. Months. Have you ever thought about doing your comedy off stage into a microphone while a black man lip syncs your material for you? I am now, because that sounded funny and I didn't get to watch it from back there. It was hilarious. Yeah, it was great. You say six months? Six months, yeah. And remind us, you've been on this show before. I have. And what did we learn? What did we talk about that last year, last time we talked about your father dying, right? Yeah. And remind us what that was all about, well, we've always watched the show. And then he said, you know, when. When I go, better get out there and do the show. So I came out here last year for eight weeks, and I got on the show and then. Have you been doing open mics and working on it? Yeah, I just moved out here in August. I've been doing open mics ever since and working on my comedy for about three, four months. How long ago was that that you were on the show? Remind me. Me, I was on again about two months ago. Okay. I didn't do very well, but. Right. You let me do another joke and that one went all right, so. Well, do you have another joke that you could do that's better than your set this time? This could be your specialty. The guy that doesn't do good in the minute and then doesn't joke. That's better than everything he tried in the minute. Okay. Do you have another one? I got. I got a lot of them, but I don't know if it's going to be better, to be honest with you. I'll just try it. I don't think you know what's funny. Yeah, that's true. That's true. All right. Dating's a little different now that I'm 50. Like, when I was young, the only birth control was the pill, you know, and that was kind of, I don't know. It's gonna work or she's gonna take it. They didn't have plan B. Plan B was fucking move, you know, Plan C was Canada. Plan D was down the stairs. But I never had to go that far, thank God, because I have family in British Columbia, so there you go. Sounds like you got a lap there, Patrick. What do you do for work? I used to do insurance, but since I moved out here, I've been door dashing a lot. Doordashing on my motorcycle. Okay, how's that going for you? How's door dashing on the motorcycle? You know, it's get my. My RV space paid for. My truck payment paid. Okay. Any crazy things, Ramen on the table happen while doordashing? I've only been doing it for about three weeks because before that I had, you know, all Dad's money. You spent that? Yeah. What did you spend that on? Just rent and food. Hookers? Blow. Did you really spend it on hookers? No. No, I'm too old for that. Do you do blow? I used to. I've done before. I'm not a big. Unless there's girls around. Why? It doesn't make Sense, Right. Your delivery system sucks. Have you ever thought about enunciating so the people understand the words that you're saying? Yes, I'm very nervous, but okay. I'm in front of, like, you know, one of my heroes right now. That's what happens. He's a big fan of Sylvester Stallone, obviously. Don't be scared. You know, when I was shooting, when I was about to fight club of Lang, you know, my legs are going off, scared. Then I realized I had written the movie and we weren't actually going to be punching each other. There you go. It's a good way to movie. It's a great movie, Patrick. It's tough to follow Timmy. No, Yeah, I was hoping to follow that other guy, but I don't. I don't know if it would have gone that much better. Probably wouldn't have actually. Right? You got a little joke book Last time I did get a little joke book. Well, there you go. That is where it will remain. We'll see you again soon. Patrick Cassidy, ladies and gentlemen. Keep it moving real fast here as we come around the corner should be the last bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for one of our very own. This is make some noise for Heidi, everybody. Make sure you check out love on the line@Heidy Regina.com Again, this episode brought to you by Talk Space. This is actually one of our very own, one of our very own team members around here. Make some noise for a brand new minute from Dusty Carter, everybody. Here comes Dusty Carter. I recently made a horrible mistake. I cut off all my hair and most of my beard. Yeah, I used to look like Jesus if his first miracle was turning water into method. You know, I got tired of walking around looking like a caveman who had been thawed from ice. The problem is now I just look like a white guy hired by it. I was at my daughter's school the other day and I overheard these two ladies talking about a deaf kid that had been learning sign language. And then he had an accident over the summer during fourth of July. Messed up some digits. I was like, that is so sad. That little boy was born deaf. Then he developed a lisp. It's okay for the rest of y' all to laugh. Hell, if he was here, he wouldn't have heard you. That's my time. Dusty Carter with exactly 58 seconds. Hi, Dusty. Hey, Tony. How are you doing, boss? Great, buddy. Good to see you, man. Not a lot of people know this, but Dusty, a little fun fact opens one half of the curtains for Everybody that comes out of here. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? It's like some inside showbiz stuff. There's two guys right on the other side of those curtains. One of them is Dusty and then there's another guy. And then when I say the person's name, they wait one second for the band to start playing and then they pull the curtains that way. Isn't that interesting? High tech. High tech stuff. High tech. Dusty also puts together the table every Sunday night. Yes. With another guy used to take two hours, and then it took an hour and a half. And I believe they've now got it all the way down to what, 50. 58 minutes. 58 minutes. Ladies and gentlemen, Would you guys like to put together a. An LED table? That's not easy. 58, though. Why do you just say it took an hour? No, they're timing themselves. Yeah, they take it very seriously. Yeah, it's more of a challenge than, you know, anything. Just to see if we can beat what we did before. Yeah. Because each week it's something different. Because this isn't the only show they have here. They have other shows and then we have to sort through wires and things. Things. Right. Make sure we got everything y' all need to enjoy what we do or they do. You're damn right. Absolutely. Dusty, you mentioned having a daughter. How old's your daughter? She is 11. Nice. And how's that going? She's amazing. She's excelling at everything and she's loving school right now. She's with her mom this year while I got settled in Austin and she'll be back with me this fall. Nice. Nice. That's, you know, that's. It's a lot of fun being a dad's. Most rewarding and stressful thing I've ever done in my entire life. That's your only child? No, I have a son that's 26. You have a 26 year old son? How old are you? I'm 45, Tony. Wow. Yeah. Prison has a lot of preservatives in its food. Yeah. And you were in prison for what again? Manufacturing methamphetamine. Me. There you go. The crowd goes wild. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe where you get a standing ovation for making meth. You. You never dabbled in Holler health care. No. Tell us about it. What's making meth like? It's not like Breaking Bad. That was. I used to do mine in the woods in 45 minutes and it'd be 90% pure. Wow. Who needs all that laboratory equipment? When you're just moonshining. Right. I would ask you your secrets or your process, but I immediately realized that that's probably against YouTube restriction entertainment purposes only. We can talk about whatever we want. We can write books. Oh, interesting. By the way, Tony, I'm here to promote my coloring book. You got a coloring book slide? Yeah, that's why I'm here. Kind of to kind of promote that. You haven't talked about it like at all. What's, what's, what's your coloring book? Well, it's an adult coloring book, you know, and like the subject is very mature. You know, like the pictures you color in, you know, the of like scenes from September 11th just to honor those fallen. Those who got 9 11. Nice book. Wow. And at the end, you know, there's like a center for pop out big thing of those who have fallen at the 911 memorial. Anyway, I'm still now@Kyle Dunnigan.com. that's the only place to buy the. The coloring book. Dusty, a great appearance. Fun times. You're a likable guy. There's a lot of. Thank you. You're different, funny. There goes Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Well, what an episode we've had. I mean this was. This had three regulars and a golden ticket winner. The return of couple great old characters. And now there's only one way to end an episode like this, and that's with the man with the most appearances ever in this show's history. The most interviews. The hall of Famer. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Magazine Model Monster. The Elevator Accelera. The. The Zip Recruiter. Zebra. The Talk Space Tycoon. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery, everybody. Here we go. Quick housekeeping announcement. There's an astro van parked out front. It's filled with guys in turbans reciting prayers. Like frantically reciting prayers. Anyway, so I'm watching this Diddy documentary, the Reckoning, and I didn't realize that early in his career, Diddy hosted a celebrity basketball game where nine people were trampled to death when they were rushing into the gym to get a seat. Apparently they thought it was an Aphex twin concert. Is it just me or is the Taliban gotten too woke? I've always wanted to go to a mafioso Christmas party and be like, hey, wait, this mistletoe has a tiny little microphone hanging down. A teenager who wants to be a lion tamer jumped in the lion enclosure in a Brazilian zoo. If he had not been eaten alive by the lions, it would have gone really well. Okay. That's right, Todd. Thank you. 57 seconds from the man who's done it the most and still adding to his resume, the great William Montgomery. So nice to be here. I'm excited. I started back on the row machine yesterday. And. Good. And Tony Yayo. I gotta say, man, one of your buddies up there is super high in the green room. He's been asleep this whole time. I drew a mustache on his ass with a Sharpie. I hope he doesn't get mad when he wakes up. Please have my back when he wakes up. That is. That is possible. This motherfucker's wasted up there. Toadette. Wow. No, but he's having fun. Yeah, he's having a good time. I love it. William, you're back on the row machine. You've been doing your puzzles. You've been making puzzles. Yes, I'm almost finished with the one that's filled with cakes. I ended up taking a break last week. I wasn't in the mood. I got out of the mood with the puzzles, but now I'm back at it tonight and tomorrow I'll be done. What kind of cakes are on this puzzle? Oh, my God. I mean, they all have blue icing, which makes it super fucking difficult. But some of them also have red icing. Some of them also have a little purple icing. There's just all kinds. But all of them have blue icing, Tony. Which makes it really hard. It's a really hard puzzle. Thousand pieces. Piece. Thousand piece. Yeah, some of them have it so like blue and purple, blue and yellow. But there's no specific types of cake. There's no, like. There's no. I think one is strawberry, cuz one of them has red on the inside. One of them is of. Has white on the inside. Yell it. Thanks, dumbass. Is that what you wanted, you idiot? What? You want me to yell? It was a strawberry cake, you idiot. Wow, you are mad at that guy in the. Mad at that idiot. What did he want me to yell? It was a strawberry cake. I'm trying to have fun tonight, Toadette. Yeah, well, what's fun to you? I don't know how. What's. Oh, my God. How depressing is that? Yeah. For no reason whatsoever. Oh, all right. So what are you having fun with lately? What are you passionate about? Yeah, anything, William. Is there anything that you're excited about in all of life? I ate a banana earlier. It was pretty good. I had a banana in a while. Yeah. Thank you. Oh my God. It was a really great banana today. Oh, wow. You had a good banana. What did you have with the banana? A little bit of peanut butter toady and some apples with a little bit of honey toady. Wow. We love that it's a Metamucil because I've been again. Metamucil. Wow. Yes. Sugar free Metamucil. Oh, sugar free Metamucil. Right when it tastes horrible. Oh, my God. What does it taste like? Like tang. Oh, and it looks like tang too. It's orange. Wow. So that's been fun mixing up the different mixtures, seeing how much I can put in there. Okay. Still dissolves and. Yeah. And the Metamucil makes you feel better? Yeah, it makes my tummy feel a little better. Really? I had a pretty good doo doo today, Tony. Oh, my goodness. How does your. How have your. How have your duties been lately? Solid. I've been okay when I can. I mean, it's been two days. I think it was because I was eating a bunch of Butterfingers out in Tulsa. What were you doing eating Butterfingers in Tulsa? Starving, Tony. And I. I felt weird. I was like. I was. It was freezing cold and I was in the hotel room and I don't want to leave the hotel room and I'm watching some football and it's like. Well, I can't do though. And I gotta got to before the sets later on. And about 20 minutes later, I'm able to do, so it's okay. Wow. Amazing. Yeah, it's real exciting. Sylvester Stallone. Have you ever seen anything quite like William Montgomery before? No. I'm gonna have to leave, but thank you so much for having me, Tony. Yeah, Appreciate it. Well, we are at the end of the show. You have any favorite Sylvester Stallone project that you've. That you've seen? I loved you in Predator. I thought you're wonderful. Killing off the Predator. That was wonderful. When you put the mud on your body. Don't talk about that Was really cool. I love that part in front of me, pal. You're gonna get the horns right here. Did that. Hold on, Sylvester. That one guy. That's a baby longhorn that I murdered myself. Oh. Strangled it in front of its mother. Sylvester. Did that one guy actually shave in the jungle without the shaving cream? Did that. You got the wrong movie be, buddy. Huh? I think you're the wrong guy. Yeah, you. Yeah, the skes. The honest guy. That's very disrespectful. You're thinking of Arnold. You're thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why are you shaking your head like A idiot. Dumbass. I almost didn't have to interact with your ass this entire night, and I was feeling pretty good, man. Who's that little cigarette you're smoking? What is that a Virginia Slim, you fucking pussy? What are you fucking smoking, Virginia Slims over there? Fucking idiot. Because it's Christmas and that's what your mom smokes, dumb ass. Don't fucking come at me right now. Fucking idiot. Fucking highlight of my days drinking Metamucil, you fucking idiot. Why are you coming after me? Why do you think coming after me was a good idea, dumbass? Yeah, after your mom and I are fucking done in her bedroom, which is way too hot all the time. She's smoking those fucking Virginia Slims. Whatever, Robin Hood. Whoa. Roasted by Red Band. The crowd doesn't know how to handle it because. What are you referring to this hat I got for my sweet dead grandmother? Be your grandmother referring to or what are you referring to? Your grandmother's name was B? Yes. Oh, my goodness. That's adorable. We caught her. Queen bee. We used to her from behind. Whoa. Red band is roasty tonight. They're having a I, your mom and grandma battle, everyone. This is a whole new thing. He raised. He raised. He called your bluff and raised you a grandma, everyone. It appears as of though, William is short circuiting right now and doesn't know how to handle this situation. Could your Grammy tell you about that metal muso will. Okay. Red Band mom did dumbass. A couple years. Oh, wow. It. It's a grandma mom battle. That's going nowhere. Before we let you go. Before I let you go, I want to. Because I. You know, it's not easy to get a powerful guest like Sylvester Stallone here and you accidentally named an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I'm gonna give you another chance here. Is there a favorite Sylvester Stallone film that you have that you would like to say right now? What is it, Rudy? Aren't you the kid in Rudy Kick his ass. I swear to God. Don't kick his ass, Sly. Don't kick his ass. Let's give him and let's give him another guess here. This is the great Sly Stallone. Are you the Go to Bad News Bears says Bad news beard? No. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Sly. I don't know what to do. What's stopping me is the mental illness. I don't want to attack mentally ill people. It looks bad on tmz. That's true. Just clip it, you know, they don't show that part. Yeah. Naming the wrong movies yeah, they just show Scalon beating up a guy. I'm gonna give you one more chance here. This is an opportunity of a lifetime. We have Sly Stallone. You should pay your respects. You must have a favorite Sly Stallone movie. You do not leave your hotel much. You don't leave your house much. You watch. You consume a lot of television and movies. This should be very easy for you. What is one of your favorite Sly stallone movies? Rocky 3. Oh, Rocky 3. I really. That was my favorite one. I thought you were great at rock. That was horrible. But. All right, Rocky. All right. Well, a real climax there at. At the end. William. And improv guru, some would say absolutely amazing. William, anything else you want to say before we leave Here? Stop. Brian's mom will shoot on your chest. Wow. Red band. Do you think you could create more silence in the room? Yeah. You're a fucking idiot. I mean, it's already got a little weird. You're a fucking idiot. Would you think that was gonna be funny, dumbass? Really? Did you think that one was gonna be funny? Bringing my fucking. My dead grandmother back up, you fucking idiot. You didn't have sex with her. I had sex with your mom, dumbass. Seriously? Really? I had us all set up here. I gave it to William, and then you. There you go. Someone just broke a breaking shit. Someone just broke a beer bottle over their head right now. William, anything else you want to say before we get out of here? It's very easy. Just yell something. William. Anything, really. It's just such an easy job at this point. You've created this entire world where all you have to do is literally just go. Try to think. Thank you. Good night, everybody. And then I name the things and then we're out of here. The thing. Wow. Maybe the holiday season, Tony. There you go. The holiday season, everyone. What an unbelievable climax we've come to. How about a hand for William Montgomery, everybody? Guys, make some noise for the kill Tony debut of the great Tony Yayo, everybody. This podcast is out in the beginning of 2026. Find it the real report. And how about one more time for Sylvester Stallone, everyone? He's on tour. Get tickets@kyle dunnigan.com. thank you. To talk space Red band, check out the Sunset Strip atx.com secret show. How about a. For the best damn band in all of the land. We'll see you. I mean, this is it. This should be. Yeah, it should be basically the week of the New Year's Eve show. So we'll see you at the Moody center this week for our biggest live show ever in Austin, Texas. Very, very exciting stuff. We love you. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sam.