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Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhengchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out Shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shopsquad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman. Come to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives? Yippee. Brian Red Band, what's up? And that is the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise. You are here at Kill Tony, breath. You buy prize picks and Shopify. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. Matt Muhling on the Elect playing a signature guitar. JohnPage guitars.com the great John D's on the keys, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new drop on Spotify called Oxygen. And this is indeed the one and only D Madness. Live in the flesh. We are here with an absolute hootenanny of a show for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This podcast is brought to you by 420.com People ask me all the time, do you miss California? The truth is, I miss the weed. California has the best weed in the world. The best cannabis in the world. The growers, the generational cultivators who have been perfecting this plant for decades. This is real quality and real experience. Now you can get that same California cannabis delivered right to your door. Make no mistake, this is cannabis. It uses the right cannabinoids so it can ship legally. But the quality and the feeling are exactly what you would expect from California. And these are the real brands. Cookies, sluggers, Death Row records, cannabis Wild gummies. For listeners, 420.com is offering something special. Use the code name Tony to get 25% off. And this episode is brought to you by 420.com California delivered. Welcome to our ugly home. Reddit is back for a historically hideous season. It's our 100th ugly house. This place is mayhem. That is impressive. And if these walls could talk. Do you cry a lot? I do. They'd have a lot to say. What impressive God's name is this pit. Don't get too close if you've seen the show. I'm scared of that. Ugliest house in America season premiere Wednesday, January 7th at 8 on HGTV. At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments. It's about you. Your style, your space, your way. Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right. From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows. Because@blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you. Don't miss blinds.com's year end blowout sale happening right now. Save up to 50% sitewide plus a free professional measure. Rules and restrictions may apply. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas March 28th. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston February 28th. One in Grand Prairie March 28th. Tony hinchcliffe.com get tickets now. Secret show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Wow. You know, when I book these things, I try to be strategic. You know, sometimes this, sometimes that. Sometimes it's just the best comedians in the world. Sometimes there's a rapper, sometimes there's this or that. Sometimes. Tonight we have two of the best comedians in the world and one of the greatest athletes of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, three residents of Austin, Texas, I present to you, lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, and Tim Butterly. Yeah. Holy shit. That's fucking Lance Armstrong. Matt McCusker and Sip Burns. Holy shit. That's a fucking panel if I've ever seen one before. Matt McCusker here has a brand new special on Netflix. Humble offerings. Tim Butterly has a show with Matt McCusker called the Algonauts. The fourth Tuesday of every month at the creek in the cave. And how about a hand for fucking Lance Armstrong? Joining the chaos tonight, an amazing human being and I can say one of my golf buddies here in Austin. That's how crazy life is. Exactly. It's amazing. Who knew we're gonna have a lot of fun. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be pulled out of this bucket and get a minute on stage. It could change their life. They could absolutely automatically go from living in their car or whatever's going on, having six roommates that fart a lot to being rich and wildly successful. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna pull a name out of this bucket. I'm not gonna let this fucking pale meth head in the front row. Do it. I'm gonna do it myself. Oh, you got braces, dude. Holy shit. How old are you? 37. Finally getting it together. Look at you. Holy shit. You really are from Ohio. That's amazing. No better time than now. Dude, braces. Do they give you a discount when you get them when you're almost 40? Since most of your life is over? Braces the teeth. Finally fixing the teeth. What are you gonna do about the fact that your eyes are almost touching? They don't make braces for faces, do they? We're gonna have fun. We're gonna have fun. This episode brought to you by Bracelet. Beat his ass, dude. I punch him in the face. I could give him two black eyes with one punch. Just right in the middle. His eyes are right next to each other. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks and Shopify. While we go wrangle the first bucket pool of the night, we have an unbelievable golden ticket winner here for you. Your first performer doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds is one of the greatest members of our production team ever. We've absolutely watched her grow and thrive and get better and stronger at everything every single week. Ladies and gentlemen, going first tonight, make some noise for a everybody. When I first graduated college, I was just doing random stuff to make money. I tried sell, selling edible. You ever get so high you forget you sell drugs and just end up running a non profit? It's kind of what happened. I couldn't afford to go on vacation so I was just teaching myself how to lucid dream. See Hawaii at night. I guess. Feel like if I had more money, my standards for guys would be a little bit higher. Like a friend of mine, she had a one night stand with a guy and he bought her a plan B. And I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me. Cause if a guy bought me a plan B, I'd be like damn, you would make an amazing provider. I wouldn't even take the plan B. I would just keep the box to show my kid. That's how I knew he was the one. Okay, thank you guys. Exactly one minute from the great AYA everybody. Hi, Aya. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Good. How's it going with you? Fantastic. That was a great set. Thanks for asking how I'm doing. Nobody ever does that. Yeah, it's a thankless job over here. This is my first time probably asking you to. Yeah, absolutely. Aya, tell these people about your life. My life. I recently cut my hair. I think I was thinking. I was like, oh, I'm trying to be attractive to women. But then I really thought about being a lesbian. And I heard that, like, vaginas are a little bit acidic and I have too many paper cuts to dig in there. But I do. I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with someone, like a. Preferably Indian, because I don't know, when you fall in love with someone, you really get to know how their mind works. And Indian people always seem to have a really, really good song stuck in their head. And I want to know the lyrics, you know, Want to sing along. I so special. So when you say you cut your hair, did you cut your hair? No. Okay. So when we were in New York, I was like. I was going out in the town and there was this lonely Uzbekistan barber, and I was like, oh, I'm going to give him some business. And so I did, and I got this. Cost me $60. Is that like. I don't know, guys. Like, Is this 60 worth $60? It kind of looks like he cut your hair to dance for, like, a chic warlord. I guess it is. It might be the best haircut available in Uzbekistan. That might be in the. In the middle of his phone, like, in the middle of the haircut, he got a phone call from his girl. And yeah, she was mad at him, but I was like, dang, women. And he was like, yeah, like, men need to learn to control their urges, like, their sexual urges, but women have this natural urge to be a bitch. And he was telling me about how women, we need to learn to control that too. And I could see where he was coming from. Yeah. Cause I get that urge, too. I'll start fights with boys for no reason. Yeah, I love it. Now you have the haircut. They don't even know what you are. Yeah. Could get scared when you say you wanted to be a lesbian. For a second. I'm trying to figure out the chicken or the egg. Cause it seems like you got your hair cut and then you decided. Is that what happened? What happened first? Were you thinking about being with a woman and then you got the haircut or did you get that haircut, and then that's what happens. Did you get a weird haircut and become a lesbian? Yeah, I think it's like that. It's like, I don't know how it works for gay men. If you get the voice first and then the thought. You get the voice first and then thoughts happen. I can tell you from my own experience, it's true. Aya, you are an absolute fucking little angel. We love you. You're an amazing part of the team. It's so fun to watch you grow as a comedian. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. You just got booked on a real show and it has begun. Ladies and gentlemen, Aya has gotten the party started. Started. And now we switch over to the bucket, everyone. This is where chaos happens. We meet people all together. Could be a completely crazy person. Could be an old person, could be a young person. Could be white, could be super black, could be brown, could be Asian. Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. You guys ready for your first bucket pool? Here we go, all together. Make some noise for Remy Swiss, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. How's it going? My name is Remy Swiss. I am of Middle Eastern descent. Both my parents are from Jordan, and on top of that, I'm from Oklahoma City. I was born and raised in Oklahoma, and that makes me a Southern Arab gentleman. That means I allow my women to work next to me rather than 10 steps behind. Everywhere we go, I might even hold her hand. My favorite sport is baseball. And always wondered how come they don't have baseball in the Middle East? You know, here in America, we got the sand lot. Middle east, lots of sand. Love that. So I'm Arabic, right? I'm Arabic. That means my pronouns are hijab. Major League Baseball is gonna start having games in India. Do y' all hear about this? Yeah, they got cricket, we got baseball. They're trying to bridge the gap internationally. You know what makes me laugh when I think about baseball in India? Every night at the ballpark is bobblehead night. Doesn't bobblehead sound like what you get from a Hindu girl when she goes down on you? Hey, I'm Remy Swiss. Thank you very much, Remy Swiss. If you had two Indian bobblehead jokes happening to start the show on your bingo card. If you would have bet $1 on prize picks, you would have won $3.5 billion. It's never happened before. And there it is, back to back prize picks. Use the promo code. Tony, let him know we sent you. Hi, Remy. Hey, Tony. How's it going? Fantastic. How are you? A lot of. A lot of. They got a lot of sand. That was crazy. It's like. Did you finish writing that joke? Thank you. That's a. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're misunderstanding me. I'm saying you didn't, like, finish it. You have a premise there. And then it just ended with we got lots of sand. Okay, very good. Remy, how long you been doing stand up? About four or five years. About four or five years. Most of it here or in Oklahoma? About half of it here and half of it in Oklahoma. Okay, and where were you? In, like an actual city in Oklahoma or out in the middle of nowhere? No, Oklahoma City. Okay. What was that like being a brown guy in Oklahoma City? It was all right. You know, back at the turn of the century, I had to ex Spanish after 911 for a little bit. But yeah, it's like, what would you do to act Spanish? Give us an example. You know, like, wear beanies low to my eye and like the button up shirt with the two buttons at the top and everything open. What do you do for work, Remy? Right now I Uber and do comedy. Actually, I'm getting paid to do comedy now. Who's paying you to do comedy? Who is this person? No, that's good stuff. Where are you getting booked at? I'm getting booked at the Creek. I got booked in New York a couple times. I got booked in Orlando. It's booked at the creek. But he looks like he lives in a cave. Am I right? It's the creek. And the cave is the full name of the comedy club. The guys that know are laughing really hard right now because he does look like he lives in a cave. Okay. Have you ever thought about joining a terrorist organization? Start my own. Okay. What would that look like to you? What would be the first thing that would be the first attack that you would do? Geez. Probably my third grade teacher's house. Wow. All right. You had a real answer there. Let's check in with Matt McCusker. Yeah, I'd like to talk more about this Middle Eastern sandlot. I think you're onto something. The sandlot, the Middle east, they can, like hit the ball over the wall, but instead it's just into Israel. They gotta go over the wall to get it. And then a baseball hits somebody and they drop a bomb on you and then you're kill. Smalls has a different meaning with a suicide vest. Man, I just realized this is Lance Armstrong. Wow. Yeah, I bet you. What a pull. I bet you Never met an astronaut before. That's right. That's right. I watched Lance. What do you. So they really don't know what's happening when they come out? Exactly. No, the whole thing's real. How many of these people are coming up here? Because we might have to be doing this a few times. Yeah, no, it's gonna happen. People are going to notice you and go, holy shit, you're Lance Armstrong. It's one of the fun things. Fun things with all the gray hair now you're fine. No one's even noticing. Look at this guy. Osama been eaten over here. My goodness gracious. You're eating Al Qaeda foods out there, huh? My goodness gracious. But I. I like Oklahoma. Yeah. What have you done in Oklahoma? Yeah. Well, I grew up in North Texas, so we would. You know, I would go up there and race. I mean, I did. I liked it. I like Tulsa. Norman, Oklahoma City. He's the man right there. Yeah. That was cool. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Anything else crazy about your life? You'll be the one who's nice up here tonight. Yeah. That's good. That's a plan. Destroy these. These got to be poor people. It's going to be great. Wait till you find one that you don't like. It's going to. I can't wait. I've seen this happen before. People start off early. They go, I'm going to be nice. An hour later, you're going to be like, you suck, dude. You need to quit. Never do this again. I. I run the biggest Milli Vanilli fan club page on Facebook. Millie Vanilli. Wait. Yeah. In 2014, I hashtag, does everybody know who Millie Vanilli is? See that? There's enough young people, they're like, who they? They were my favorite band growing up. I say band, but then they got the. That went down. Happened to them. But, yeah. In 2014, I hashtag milli Vanilla. Nothing came up. And I was like, I gotta do something about it. Wow. How's that going? Did you build it? Over 7,000 people in the group. 7,000 people. Wow. And it's the biggest one in the world. No big deal. Just out of curiosity, how many followers on the second biggest Milli Vanilli Facebook group? I think, like, a thousand, maybe. Fucking losers. All right. So the guy that killed himself, his sister joined the group. Yeah. Yeah. And then she, like, tried to run it, and I was like, get the fuck out of here. And then someone else reached out on behalf, and I was like, if your friend. This is Classic Facebook mod behavior. Beat it, toots. I built this from the ground up. I was like, you start. Start your own. That's exactly what I said. I was like, they were my favorite band in the third grade anyways. And so someone reached out for her on her behalf to me, and I was like, if she wants the page, it's five grand cash American, and yeah, I'll sign it over to you. You can do whatever you want with it. If you want your dead brother's band's Facebook page. If you want me to stop posting my standup clips on your dead brother's band Facebook page, that's $5,000. No, I just keep that. Keep that separate. Which Vanilli died? Was it Vanilli or Manili? Yeah, this is our senior Vanilli. My mom met Vanilli or one of the guys elevator when Blame it on the Rain was number one. Like, that was her big celebrity moment. So the guy that's still around, his name is Fab Morvan is the guy that's still alive. And then Rob Pus was the guy that passed. Wow. Amazing. Your knowledge of literally a laughing stock of a musical group. Absolutely incredible. Eddie Murphy is my favorite comedian. What does that say? It says that your time here is done, my friend. There's a little joke book. There he goes. Remy Swipes. Ladies and gentlemen, when people just start randomly naming their favorite comedians, you know the interview has ended. Uh oh, the lovely Heidi. Ladies, gentlemen, and. And gentlemen. Check out her podcast, Love on the line@Heidy Regina.com. how about it? One more time for Heidi, everyone. Getting us all liquored up up here. All right, your next bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here comes Lodriguez. I'm so stressed out, guys. The other day I got flashed by a homeless guy with the biggest, blackest cock I'd ever seen in person. Shout out Mia Khalifa. He had a cock that was so big. How big was it? He had a cock that was so big, I thought to myself, how is this guy homeless? How is this guy homeless? I got what I got. I got a place. This guy should have a mansion. And before I knew it, he started a helicopter dick at me. And it was so big, I could hear the sound. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The motherfucker was powering the Midwest by himself. And before I knew it, he took flight as if God was calling him to heaven. He started to terrorize all the 6th Street. You got a dollar? Are you gonna finish that cigarette? Lino. Rodrigo. Thank you. Going all the way to the bear there. Hi, Lino. All right. How's it going? Good. That was okay. That was good. That's, like the best you've ever done on the show, right? Yeah, I think so. It felt good. I think so, too. You've been on many times. What have we learned about you? What are the big fun facts about Leno? Remind me. I'm a clubfoot. Puerto Rican from Mississippi. Okay. Yep, that makes sense. Puerto Rican from Mississippi. Jordanians from Oklahoma. It's a real melting pot we have here tonight. So how clubbed is that foot exactly? What does that mean? That your toes are, like, webbed. Are they there? What does that mean? When I was born, they were upside down. Your toes were upside down? Shaped like a golf club. Wow. Yeah, I could wipe my own ass with my feet. It was okay. What do you do for work? Leno. I work at the Vulcan Gas Company and I also work at a smoke shop selling weed out of a bus. Okay. How's that going? We got robbed. How did that happen? Middle of the night or. Yeah, it was late night. They busted in the back of the bus and took all of our weed and mushrooms. Very cool people. Okay. Yeah, they busted in through the back door. Were you in there? Oh, no, I was partying somewhere else, but it was open. The band, they were selling stuff. No, no, no. It was closed. They broke in. Late night. They knew what they wanted. They wanted our weed, they wanted our mushrooms, and they wanted our vapes. Right. What else could they possibly want from a van that sells weed, mushrooms and vapes? There's not much else. Cash. Yeah. They're definitely not looking for your joke book, that's for sure. Lino, how long you been doing standup? Around four or five years now. Okay. Four or five years, and it's going good for you, huh? I'm having a good time. Yeah. I like it out here. I've been having a fun time out, working in the local scene and building my way up from. So. Yep. Well, it's trying. I love it. I love it. I love it. Comedy. Why Lino, what is that name is your parents named you that? I'm named after my dad. My dad's name was Lino and then he got murdered. So they're like, we need another Lino. Your dad got murdered? Yeah, my dad was murdered, yeah. Tell us about that vape shop robbery. No, the motherfucker got murdered with a baseball bat. Oh, that's right. Yep. It's all coming back to me now. And he's not even a baseball. Lino, how old were you when that happened? I wasn't. Say, how is it this. This isn't adding up. I wasn't born. You needed another one of you and he was murdered. Yes. Then maybe you have a different dad. No. Your mom. Follow me. Right. I mean, my mom, that big of a. You know. Now, my dad, he was murdered while I was in the womb. When I was in the tummy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, damn. Okay. I mean, this is just such a crazy speech impediment to hear about a dead dad with. Because for a second I thought you were in the room when they murdered him. I was in the same womb as he was. Could have been you. Could have been you little arm reaching out with a baseball bat. Okay. Yeah. Little foot. Club foot. That crazy club foot. He was either killed by a baseball bat or a mysterious upside down foot. We were both clubbed. There you go. Absolutely. Like father, like son. The apple doesn't fall far from the Louisville Slugger. Lino, you've been up many times before. You always have gotten a little joke book, I'm guessing, right? Yeah. Well, guess what, buddy. Today's the big day. Big joke book for you, Lino Rodriguez. Ladies and gentlemen, this podcast is brought to you by 420.com. People ask me all the time, do you miss California? The truth is, I miss the weed. California has the best weed in the world, the best cannabis in the world. The growers, the generational cultivators who have been perfecting this plant for decades. This is real quality and real experience. Now you can get that same California cannabis delivered right to your door. Make no mistake, this is cannabis. It uses the right cannabinoids so it can ship legally. But the quality and the feeling are exactly what you would expect from California. And these are the real brands. Cookies, sluggers, Death Row Records, Cannabis Wild Gummies, Kahn, Ha. Gummies, Papa and Barkley, just to name a few. Red band Tony love420.com It's such an easy service to use. They have edibles, gummies, drinks, vapes, top shelf flour joints, multi packs, infused joints, blunts and topicals. It's amazing. Yeah, it really is. They have all the strains people know and trust. Every product is third party tested with full certificates and analysis. And for listeners, 420.com is offering something special. Use the code name Tony to get 25% off and this episode is brought to you by 420.com California delivered. So good, so good, so good. New year, new gear, Thousands of Fresh active styles are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. Save on top brands like Nike, Puma, and free people starting at just $35. How did I not know Rack has Adidas? There's always something new. Plus, join the Nordy Club to shop new arrivals first. Unlock exclusive discounts and more. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. Let's keep it moving along here with one more bucket pool. Before we get to a special treat. Make some noise for Joe Hanson. We're gonna meet Joe all together, one minute, uninterrupted for Johansson, everybody. What's up, guys? I was raised really poor. Just right off the bat. My parents would always try to hide it from us, though. They would always say shit like it's National Leftover Hamburger Helper Day. It's like it's been National Leftover Hamburger Helper Day for five nights in a row, man. What are you trying to pull on us? I figured it out, though. I did figure out we were poor. When it came time to put down our family dog, it cost $45. And my dad was just like, nah, I'll shoot it, right? But I was seven years old, man. I took that at face value. I was like, oh, I cannot get sick. We are not a minute clinic family at all. I'm just gonna be like, dad, I have a headache. Die, bitch. That's cool, though. That's cool. Austin's fun. I was walking down 6, and this girl goes, I'm having hot girl tummy issues. And then she lifted up her shirt and she just had a colostomy bag. That's not hot girl tummy issues. That's just a bag of shit strapped to you. Thank you. Hell, yeah. Joe Hanson, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah. Nice. Welcome, welcome. How long you been on standup? Like, two. Probably two years. Two years? All of it here in Austin? No, I'm actually from Kansas City originally. Okay, now you live here? No, no, actually, I just moved down to Clearwater, Florida. Okay, what made you move to Clearwater, Florida? My wife is doing her residency down there. So. What is she doing a residency for? Internal medicine. Okay. She's a doctor. Five years. Five years retirement. I'm out of a job in five years. Amazing. Look at you, you little gold digger. What do you do for work? I just work like it right now. All right, okay. Let me. If they see this, it's cool it. And I love it so much. Okay. What kind of money are you making? Not enough to really be saying how much I love it, but right Enough that I don't want to lose it. What are the hours like? Just normal corporate shit. Okay. What are you doing? Help desk. Server Admin. Yeah, Server or help desk? Help desk. That's bitch stuff. Yeah, it is bitch before I started, man. Really? Yeah. They really treat you like a fucking loser. And then you worked your way up to full time comedian. That's. Yeah, you're right. It is pretty impressive. Thank you. Yeah, it is. It actually is. Joe, what's your plan to work yourself up to being a big time comedian? Because Clearwater, Florida, it's a little rough. Yeah, well, Tampa's. It's like. Tampa's got an okay scene. It's. It's not as like saturated, I feel like, but it's very much like you got to know who's who to get on the shows and stuff. But what else are you into? You have any other special skills or hobbies or anything that you're into? I wish I could say I do. There's got to be something. I will. I mostly just spend time taking care of my wife so that, like, it's. I feel like it's. She would phrase it differently. No, I do. I really do. Because I treat it like the same way. You would invest in 401ks. Me doing the laundry is my contribution. Oh, that's gotta suck. Yeah. Does she just like tell you that when to eat her pussy and stuff? Yeah, yeah. She gets up from work and she goes, someone died. Eat my box. Wow. Amazing. That is incredible. Does she kind of bring her work home with her sometimes and you have to hear about it? I check her on that shit. What do you mean? Give us an example. She'll. She'll come home in a flurry and she'll just. Because she like, she'll like work ICU or something. Like four people will die and she'll go, yeah, today sucked. And I was like, yeah, but let's leave it at the door and let's go watch some movies or something. Okay. I've got. I don't know, I feel like a puppet master a little bit because I've. I've kind of like helped her cope by manipulating it sounds like, I guess. How long have you been with her? We just got married this year. Four years. Okay, thank you. There's some people very impressed by a four year long relationship. Yeah, it's amazing. She come down here with you. Does she know you're doing this? She's at work right now, dog. Well, she's gonna know. Yeah, let's hope. Yeah, she like, it. So you just came to Austin for what exactly? Me and a group of guys from Kansas City. They came down here and I met up with them. And then we've just been like, running the shows and Mike's out here. See anything crazy while you were here in Austin? There was like. I mean, I hate to just be like, yeah, a homeless guy, but, like, there was some guy who, like, was just screaming at the top of his. Wow. Well, he started to get close. Amazing. God help you if you ever visit New York or Los Angeles. Yeah, yeah, dude, I'm a homeless guy screaming. Fucking amazing. It's creepier when they whisper. Yeah, that's a great point. Red band. You guys drove down together? No, I flew. They drove. Doctor Wife money. Yeah, yeah. I go, yeah. You guys have nine hours. They're going to be sitting in the farted up van driving back. You're the one that got on the show? Yeah, he was in a class. He was in a helicopter right above them. Yeah. You guys look so small from up here. Well, Joe, I liked your set. I thought it was funny and clever, so here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Johansen. We're gonna keep it moving along. We have a special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen. One of my favorite characters that we ever found here on the show is dropping in with a brand new minute. Make some noise. You know him, everybody. This is indeed the one and only Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. I was driving last night and I accidentally hit a deer. A deer? Old lady. What was she even doing up at 1am I told the cops she didn't look left or right before she crossed. And he said she shouldn't have to in her own kitchen. It's that time of year where I've got to decide whether to hang my Christmas lights or myself. Oh, I. I don't really need Chris. I don't really need Christmas lights there. I just need a bottle of luminol. I was in a drag race earlier today and I got disqualified for wearing sneakers instead of high heels. Okay, my time is up. Sir Winston Pickles. I love it. I love your style, Sir Winston. I hit a dear. A dear old lady. Fantastic panel, Tony. Thank you. So you've missed the. You missed the old opportunity to get Rob Reiner. Oh, that is true. We will not have Rob Reiner. He was coming up in a few weeks and ship has sailed. Yes. Yes. You are one evil clown, I gotta tell you. Sir Winston Pickles, I love it. Great jokes. How's Life been going, Sir Winston. Very busy. Luminol Redband wants to know what luminol is. Luminol is a thing I've watched every episode of Forensic Files that you can spray around the room. And if you light it up with a black light, it shows you where blood is been. So what he's saying is that he's murdered so many people that he doesn't have to put up Christmas decorations. He just needs to spray his place with luminol and it'll all light up. There you go. Smart and funny. If you know what luminol is. I think I was the only person in the room that knew what it was. Maybe a black light or something instead you could say, right? I mean, if, you know, he probably. He's got a smart. You don't need a black light with Luminal. It's a chemical reaction, Brian. Oh, really? You don't need a black light. Oh, okay. All right. It just lights up automatically. Yes. Amazing. The black light would show Jizzo. Yeah. See what's coming out of his Sir Winston pickle. You know what I'm saying? So, Sir Winston, take us through, like a day in the life. Cause I think about you sometimes. I'm like. I wonder what the fuck he does during the day. I wonder what he looks like. Like. Like, I find you to be an intriguing, intriguing man. So take us through. Like, I just go around making a nuisance of myself in various stores. What do you mean? Like, I. I gotta. I gotta. Dick. Sporting goods work out on their equipment. Actually, I've just bought a roin machine. Yeah, Would you. Got a great price on it, but flooding the living room every night is costing me a fortune. That's just a boat. That's a kayak. So what time of the day do you usually put on the makeup and everything? Like noon. About noon. Amazing. And you'll, like, run errands and stuff? Yes, run errands. Yeah. And you enjoy it, right? I love it. Yeah. It's cool. Yes. What do you do? What? What do you do when you're not in the makeup? Is there anything that you do? Like, you don't go to like a doctor's appointment like that, do you? Once or twice. Okay. Yes. What's one of the weirdest places that you've been in that makeup where you got a weird reaction? Dmv. Do they let you take your driver's license? No. They don't let you do that. My driving license picture is totally different. Okay. No, no. Nobody wants to say that any other weird Times where you're Sir Winston Pickles. Well, when I used to doordash, I did try it twice. Oh, my God. Yes. Doordash. The old ring cameras. Oh, I can't even imagine. Yes, People must be scared to death. The tip. The tips were very high. Yeah, yeah. That's just straight up scary. I love it. And you're married, right? Yes, unfortunately. Is she a clown, too? No, I should say my ex wife. She's a clown. No. Oh, what does that mean? See your ex after that. What? I just said my unfortunately. Right. Oh, I got you. Yep. Yes. Gotcha. All right, Sir Winston. Well, another great set. So much fun. Always a pleasure to have you, Sir Winston Pickles. Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. The evil dark clown. So dark, yet so white, Sir Winston Pickles. There he goes, everybody. So Winston Pickles was on the show. All right, here we go. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Taylor Ferrer. Farrer. Taylor. Fair. Make some nicer Taylor. So I'm still mad at Obama for not using once you go black, you never go back for his reelection slogan. It was right there. And it would have opened up the door for Trump to use orange as the new black. And then Kamala could have kept it going with aren't you glad I'm not Biden? And then in a few years, RFK can run on the slogan, orange juice is giving liver cancer to children. You know, and I Google a lot of stuff. Like the other day, I googled where the cum goes when you get a vasectomy. I didn't know. And for those of you don't know, when you get a vasectomy, they cut the tube that connects the balls to the outside. And you can't just plug it right. You can't just put, like a little cork in it because you'll keep making jizz, it'll back up, and then your balls will explode, I think. I don't know. That's why I googled. Turns out they don't plug it. They just leave it open. So you just continue making jizz goes out the open tube, and then your body just reabsorbs it. That's gay, dude. You mean to tell me that every time you orgasm, you're just coming all up inside yourself? Not in God's country. There you go. Taylor Farrer, welcome to the show. Taylor got funny there at the end. I don't know if you're quite the political comedian that you think you are. You seem like a guy that would talk about jizz being backed up into your own Balls. And you really found your voice there towards the end. I love it. How long you been doing stand up, Taylor? It's like my tenth time. Oh, wow. So you're new. Yeah. That's phenomenal for 10 times. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Appreciate it. Absolutely. Great. How long ago was the first time? So I started actually, like right before Pandemic because I was in PA school and I was doing it just for kind of fun. PA school, like physician assistant. Okay. So I was doing it during PA school. We would all go out together and then. Wait, this is who that guy's wife is going to school with? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And. And I did it a few times and then Pandemic hit and I just stopped. And then I started back up a couple months ago. Nice. What made you want to start back up a couple months ago? I just always wanted to do it, so I figured. Where do you live? Miami. Okay, I could see that. That seems right. So what exactly do you do for work in Miami? I work at an er. You work in an er? Yeah, as a regular. I got pa. Right, and so what's some crazy stuff that you've seen? I have to be. Super crazy stuff there. Yeah. Miami emergency room. I can't even imagine. Not long ago, this older, like 84 year old lady came in. She thought she had a UTI, and so we're checking her out for that. And she, as a joke, that wink just lost you your medical license, by the way. So we're checking her out for the uti and then she was telling the nurse that the reason why she thinks she had a UTI is because she was having sex and a bunch of liquid came out. And she said her boyfriend told her that squirting is a thing. And so then we had to tell her, yeah, that is a thing. And she did not have a uti. So she just came to the ER to tell us that she squirted for the first time and then she just. Wow. Holy shit. What's your Instagram? What a brag. Redban. Redban. You can't just say things like that. That's a real human being. What? Do you know what her Instagram is? All right, so that's pretty amazing. She came to you because she came. Yeah, it's impressive. If you don't mind, Lance wanted me to ask, is squirt piss? That's a great question. All right. It's so yes and no. There's piss in it, but it's not a question. But that wasn't my question. Don't put this on me, Lance. I'm sick. It's an important question. Oh, no. You're going to like my question that you're going to get blamed for. I really have a question. No, I want to hear the other one, too. Save that question. Let's find out your breakdown of what do. What do you think the piss do? What is the special liquid that comes out? So there is. There is urine in it. They've done studies where they show like. Like imaging. And you see the bladder does get emptied to some degree, but it's not all piss. Totally true. That is correct. I used to argue with Red Band. We would get into vicious arguments. No, I remember I've always said it's. It's not pee. Right? That's what I'm saying. I back in the day thought it was pee, but, like, it always. Okay, you go ahead. Sorry. Welcome to another episode of. Of Kill Taylor, everybody. You go ahead. You take over. It used to confuse me because, like, squirting is always clear. And I was like, there's no way that every woman's just super hydrated all the time. Right? That's. That was what gave me pause. You're exactly right. I'm. I'm like. I was saying I'm gonna go back to my thing and then we're gonna get to Lance's question. I'm a converted squirt believer. There was a period of time where I was anti squirt, was convinced it was just straight pee. But I gotta tell you, it's something else. It tastes way better than pee. Definitely. Red Band said it. I might completely agree with him, but in any matter. Disgusting. Red man, you're so gross. Let's go over to Lance Armstrong. Yeah. But is that true about the vasectomy? That can't be true. It doesn't stay inside. I think there's different things you're supposed to know. I'm not a PA or a doctor or anything. There's different ways. One of the ways is to leave it open, but there's also ways that I think that they do, actually. So there's. Anybody in the room had one of these things done? I did, yeah. Anyone give themselves a. Were you wondering this super vasectomy. What, like, there's nothing comes out? Oh, no, no. You still have seminal fluid coming out, but it doesn't connect. It tastes way better. It tastes way better. Red Band says, okay, I should have said that. That's great. It's a lot sweeter than regular come. I. I don't. I Don't have any more questions. Perfect. I. The defense rests. I've. I'm still on the squirt, so. Okay. Some of it's P, some of it's P. What is the other stuff? Is it just like leftover jizz from the guy before you or like. That's usually it. Yeah, that's usually it. Hey, I'm asking a doctor, guys. It's confidential. It's a bunch of magical stuff. It's kind of like lady sweat, but inside of the thing called the vaginal sponge or something like that. The bladder sponge. There's like a thing. Top, top shelf. There's a whole system to it. I might know more than you. I looked into this. I watched a whole 30 minute YouTube tutorial. It was a system. Taylor, what's your love life like? You seem like a good looking guy. You're in Miami. You're married. Wow. We met in PA school. Okay. All right. And is she also working in er? No, she works in aesthetics. Okay. Like botox, fillers, that kind of stuff. Okay. Wow. And you? No kids? No. No. How does that happen? What are you doing? What's your method? Pulling out. Just regular old pulling out. Right in time. Just in time. You have a favorite place where you shoot your load? Good question, Tony. Thanks, Tony. Jeez, you people with your groans. Depends on the position. Probably the back. Got it. Yeah. You're sick of her face at this point. Have you made her squirt her? No. Interesting, right? Oh, no. That was the worst answer you could have given. No, no, that's that Miami lifestyle, dude. Now why do you think that is? Do you think she's just not hydrated enough? First? That might be the answer. Yeah, that might be the answer. No, I think it's a. I don't know if it's a learnable skill, but I think there's some girls could do it, some can't. Maybe some girls are drier than your political jokes. She may not be old enough. Yeah. Cuz that other lady was old. 80 something. That's true. Just wait. So we got to wait. Yeah, yeah, you got to wait a little bit. I'll keep you updated any day now. I'm surprised that guy didn't come with that old lady. I would have followed her there, be like, yeah, I did that. That was. Yeah, he's just in the lobby with a poster board. It was me just pointed to him. Amazing. Amazing, Taylor. Well, fun times. A good set. You picked it up towards the end. I like your style. There's a big joke book Back to Miami he goes. Taylor Ferrer. All right, we're moving at a great pace. I like this episode. This is fun. Coca Cola for the big. For the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers risk takers for the optimists, pessimists for long distance love. For introverts and extroverts, the thinkers and the doers for old friends and new Coca Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca Cola at a store near you right now. Get up to 20% off select online storage solutions. Put heavy duty HDX totes to good use, protecting what's important to you. The solid impact resistant design prevents cracking, and the clear base and sides make items easy to find even when the totes are stacked. Find select online shelving and tote storage up to 20% off at the Home Depot. To organize every room in your home from your garage to your attic, visit homedepot.com how doers get more done. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Michael Moses. Everybody back to the bucket with a minute uninterrupted from Michael Moses. Oh, what's up, Austin? I'm happy to be here, man. Happy to be out of the house. Girl's mad at me right now. Just had a message on my phone. Message popped up. She looked at it, she goes, who's Amber? I was like, bitch, a kid is missing. All right? I'm not Muslim. I'm not Muslim. I know I look Muslim, but I'm not. I got a white mom, she's very white. She's on a cruise ship right now, okay? But like. And I grew up in a small town in Canada, 3,000 people. So Muslim people, they pass me and they're like, as salaam alaikum. I'm like, ah, shamalamal ding dong. Dude, I have no idea what the fuck that is. My mom, very white. She's very white. She's like. I said, she's on a cruise ship. She remarried white. This dude's so white. His name's Mark with a C. All right? Mark wears jean shorts, all right? Every time he gets startled, he's like, oh, jeepers. White. Mark's the white. He jumps in the water like this, okay? Plucks his nose. He's a grown man. I go, mark, jump into the water. Let the water go up your nose. Snot. Rocket it out and push it towards another family like a man. He goes, nah, it stings. All right. My name is Michael Moses. Thank you so much. Michael Moses. Welcome to the show, Michael. It's your first time on right how long you been doing stand up? 13 years. 13 years. Holy. Where at? Canada? All over. Started Alberta. Toronto and yeah, that's where you're born? Alberta. No. Yeah, no, Winnipeg middle, moved west, started Comedy East. Yep, absolutely. So 13 years. And what ethnicity are you exactly? I'm mixed. I'm mixed. So Tony, if you want to ask me the whitest thing about me, go ahead. Well, all right, here we go. This guy's ready. I watched the show 13 years. He is prepared. What is the whitest thing about you? I don't use a washcloth in the shower. That is true. We don't do that. Do you use a loofah? No, you just go just fucking bar to hand. Bar in hand. Wow. A lot of people are saying ew in the audience, like he has to touch my body. You're good, bro. You ain't touching me, dog. What color is your loofah, Tony? Black. Yeah, me too. Look at that. We have that in common. Look at us. Hopefully we don't ever get them mixed up. All right, speaking of the color black, you know what question's coming at you next? D Madness. What is? Don't make D Madness jokes right now. Okay. What is the blackest thing about you, Michael Moses? My grandma is 46 years old. Oh my God. Wow. Thank you. Soda. That is amazing. That is amazing. So which parent is that? That's your mom. Oh, yeah, My dad's the black one. Uh huh. Say, how old's your dad? RIP he was 37 when he. 37. He did die by gunshot. That is probably the real blackest thing about me that happens in Canada. Yeah. Wow. I thought you guys had it all figured out up there. 37, he was killed by a gun. What exactly went down there? D Madness is going to find the killer right now. Yeah, he does not like black men being kill. He's very aggressive about it. He's solved exactly zero murders, by the way. They call him a private eye. People with eyes can't find. So if he can do it. I made that joke five seconds ago. So what happened? What happened where your dad got shot? It was a. So it was a clothing store robbery. So he was doing the robbery actually like, hold on, let's take it one step at a time. No, you're fault. Your dad was doing a robbery with his friends. With his friends In Canada. In Canada. The denim jacket store. 100%. I. I also think that beats the 42 year old grandma. Yeah. What was the exact store? Was it a Foot Locker? It was a clothing store. It was 100%. You don't know the clothing store? No, I don't. You never asked. I. This like it happened when I was 17. I've been too scared to find out cuz they. We don't. We actually don't know what happened to the guys and so what do you be that guy who doesn't want to touch me right now? Yeah. What do you know about what happened? So. So yeah, if Cloth went in with some friends to rob the place, they knew the person who owned it. Right. And then there were like, you know, customers and they tied them up. They all tied them up and put them in. And then this is what I've heard from my uncle who kind of went up there and like looked and my mom said, so things we want to believe your 18 year old uncle? Yes. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. So the thing with like my dad had that moment of, of this ain't right. And then, you know, tussle back and forth, gun goes off, gone. Oh, yeah. Damn. Wow. Yeah, he's really fresh to death. Oh, my bad, sorry. Yeah, we. We needed somebody to try to break the tension and that. Yeah, that was a good effort, man. The dude. Thank you, brother. The dude with the black wife. Gotta go for it, bro, you know? Yep. I appreciate that coming from him. You're exactly right. Incredible. So what's mom up to? She's alive. Yeah. Remarried. White. She went white. So the mark things real 100. Amazing 100. Yeah, they love cruise ships. They own a big camper. They go camping all summer. She golfs and she just works and chills. Yeah, amazing. Not bad at all. No, she's still in Winnipeg. No, she's like Southern Alberta. Coldale, Alberta, hometown. Like Katie Lang. Never mind. Okay, you gotta. You gotta try it. Y' all know that song, the Big Bone Girl from Southern Alberta. Come on. All right, try the fresh to death one. She's from southern Alberta. That was a bad theme for dads dying tonight. Another dude, his dad got hit with a baseball bat. Who did it? We didn't get into that. We didn't even find out. Okay. Damn. You asked him. Amazing. Okay, so mom's back out on cruise ships. What do you. How do you make money? I do this comedy and then I have a social media channel. So it's a stupid concept, but the concept is I go into a restaurant every day at the same time, I order the exact same thing and I see how long it takes for them to ask me if I want the usual and I know, but it's got. I got. I'm getting 50 million views on video. It's like. It's. It. That's a. That's. That is the concept is that. But then what happens? It's. It's wholesome shit. You know, I get to know somebody, a stranger, turn them into a stranger, and then at the end of the, you know, week, we just raise money for them. I've, you know, gotten people, like, $2,000, actually helped the Korean lady, and now she can ship her son off to university in Australia. Wow. Money. So like that. So then social media money. Like that. And then. Very cool. I'm doing it. So has there been one where it hasn't happened yet and you're still there, like two for two years or something? 100%, bro. I'm doing Sandy's hamburgers here in Austin, Texas, Day 22. These Mexicans do not speak to me. I love it. Hilarious. Michael, what's your love life like? Don't. I actually. I just got engaged four weeks ago. Wow. Thank you. Is she white? She's white. You're following in your dad's footsteps. She's pregnant. Look at that. I am doing. Oh, my goodness. Do you ever tie her up while stealing her clothes? Okie dokie. Following in his dad's footsteps. You guys remember. Yeah, I love it. How pregnant is she? Due February. Due February. Wow. It's coming. It's coming, man. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Michael. Fun times. Thank you. You did Great. Great. Your 13 years is very evident. You're. You have great stage presence. Everything's amazing. Here you go. Also, you look like handsome Squidward. Yeah. Lance wanted me to say that one. One Light of the night right there. Tim Buckley ever. But thank you so much, Tony. Thank you, guys. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Moses. All right, we've come to the point of the show where one of our regulars is right behind that curve. Curtain and ready. He is the dark storm of Atlanta. I believe this guy is the absolute future and the present of the Kill Tony universe. Make some noise for the one and only Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here he is. Oh, man. I was raised in the ghetto and I hate the ghetto. The ghetto stole Christmas from me, like, physically and mentally at the same time. About a week before Christmas, they came and took everything, even our decorations. And then my whole family was downstairs and they were crying. But then I looked at my cousin Deli, and because we were both, like, 6 years old and we had, like, a childlike innocence, we both realized, it doesn't matter. Santa's still coming. And so we started getting kind of happy and kind of dancing. And my grandma was like, why the fuck are you dancing over there? And I was like, grandma, Santa's coming. Don't worry. We all can rejoice. And she said, nigga, Santa ain't real. And that kind of took the Christmas love out of my heart. But it was placed back there shortly after because my Uncle Chris. Cause you can't spell Christmas without Chris. He came in and he was like. He looked at my dad and he was like, yo, why you ain't got no decorations and presents for the kids? And we told him what happened. He said, that won't do. And then he came back into the house a couple hours later with, like, a fully decorated tree and presents from somebody else's house. So we just started open a M. You know what I'm saying? I got a green Ranger in a Bobby playhouse. We regretified the neighborhood that day. That's my time. Yeah. Hilarious Dead drip Flynn. Yeah. That is amazing. Grandmas are the ones that do that. My grandma's the one that told me Santa isn't real. Oh, man, I remember it very clearly. How do you remember where you were when you just kids in school, like red bands, just finding out? For a man that eats milk and cookies every night, that's very surprising. Ho ho ho. Very jolly. There he is. D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. You say Santa Claus three times. He pops up out of nowhere for some reason. I love it. Wow, that story sounds so authentic. That's real, huh? Yeah. That's a verbal photograph that I gave you right there. Like, that's exactly what happened. I mean, the ghetto of Atlanta, it just seems like an absolute treasure trove of material. Yeah. You saw what he did to Casey. Rocky. All right. That's what happens when you have a white boy that grew up around the same environment as me. You didn't get his. A nigga that pull a harmonica out for no reason at all. That's why I got this little slingshot right here. I don't know. Oh, shit. They don't got no metal detectors in here. I'm just waiting. Don't pop off. But don't worry. I got my concealed carry permit that I made. I laminated this. The cops won't know the difference. You. You laminated it? Yeah, yeah, laminated it. It's a Dedrick Slinky shoddy permit, state of Texas. And it's got a picture of me, so they know that it's mine. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a little bit light. Light skin but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they didn't have any brown markers near me when I got the idea. Yeah. What do you put in the slingshot? You have anything to hurt people? I just. Sometimes I got. I wouldn't have bought some marbles, but they didn't let me in with the marbles. They took the marbles out of doors. So shout out to the mothership staff for a good search. They are very good at that. I want to see. They said, not so fast, Dennis the Menace Society. I want to see if it works. Let's see how far you can shoot a little joke book out into the crowd. Oh, my God. Got that thing's got some distance. Wow. About if I ain't like you, you know what I'm saying? That went to the lobby. You just took out a thick white lady. Yeah. You're very strategic shot. I know what I'm aiming. The form was crazy, too. I would have pinched it. You just put one finger and let go. That's crazy. Yeah. I used to shoot hornets at people in middle school. I was the ISS a lot. I was about to. Bad kid. There's a lot of cuz. I knew Santa Claus wasn't real, so I. I gave up on being good. Look. Look how intense the cop by the exit door is right now. He's got his hand on his pistol. I love it. Were you really a bad kid growing up? It ain't. I was just so smart that I would get done with my work early. And then. You can't just. I can't just sit down, you know what I mean? I gotta pass notes, you know, I gotta play my Game Boy. I gotta be a distraction. And I was really good at popcorn reading, so. Niggas love me. Popcorn reading? What is that? That's when you see who's stupid in your class. Everybody take a turn. You had to, like, read a passage and then you say popcorn, like Tony. And then you start reading and they like, Johnny walked across the island and they like, nigga, that's island. You know what I'm saying? That's. Oh, my God. Hilarious. Oh, my God, I'm so good. It really is. It's unbelievable. I love it. Dedrick, what are you. What are you doing for Christmas? How are you celebrating this year? I just bought my nephew this baller ass drivable gravedigger thing. It was like $500, but Uncle Daddy got it. You know what I'm saying? And then we doing a Christmas show at the Earls that week. A bunch of the home. It's already sold out in Atlanta. We got like a. We got like a Christmas band that's gonna play. I'm gonna do some pop punk Christmas songs on there, so it's going to be fun as. Okay. All right. You're doing Christmas songs. I love it. Clap for me. Yeah, I'm doing big things. Dedrick, you're the man. Hey, I love y'. All. Thank y' all so much. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Of the greats. This message may be shocking to many millennials. If you are one, you might want to sit down right now. Loads of people are searching the following on depop. Low rise jeans, halter top, velour, tracksuit, hookah shell, necklace, disc belt. You likely placed these in the dark of your closet in 2004, never to be seen again. But if you can find it in yourself to dust them off, there are a lot of people who will give you money for them. Sell on depop. Where taste recognizes taste. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast. Smart move. Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move. Having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor. State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state. And it goes on and on. We found Dedrick out of the bucket just five, six weeks ago or so. Anything can happen here. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Lorenzo ends out. I don't know if you guys can tell I'm nervous, But I gotta let some off my chest. For real. I don't donate to thrift stores. I'm gonna be honest. It's not that I don't want to. It's just I can't. I'm poor. Mm. And growing up. You know, I grew up in a small town. You think I want to see my neighbor two freaking streets down rocking my hand me downs better than me? Fuck that. Yeah. Growing up poor. I was also raised by my grandma. I'm based at courage of cowardly Dominican. No. No Kurza Cowley dog fans in here, you. But growing up poor with my grandma, she would always have me reusing grocery store bags as, like, tiny trash can bags. You ever do that, guys? Yeah, right? Not bad, but damn. All right, well, we'll leave it there, y'. All. Yes. You Will. Lorenzo. Tyreet. We were waiting. We've waited for a bomb like you all night, Lorenzo. Even the people that have done bad before were doing good here tonight. And then you came out. Our first female comedian of the night. Look at you. My goodness gracious, look at you. Gucci, though. Okay. Oh, all right. Very good. You. You really got me there, Lorenzo. Amazing. So let's talk about it. How long have you been a t. Attempting stand up comedy? I've been doing it for two years now. Where at? All Around Austin. I started here. You started here? At the Mothership. Come on. I've been on before. You don't remember me? No. You have been on before? Yes, sir. Wow. What did we find out in the interview last time you were on My dad's fucking. Please tell me that your dad got murdered. Well, this is incredible. It's been three in a row. No, he actually died this year, I'm not gonna lie. Yeah, really? How did he die? Pneumonia. Pneumonia. Jesus. Got him. Wow. What crime was he committing when the pneumonia got to him? He's got a running theme here for a few Comedians in a Row. It's incredible. What was he robbing at the time? My childhood. Amazing. Amazing. So the pneumonia got him. That was recent? Yeah, a couple months ago. Were you close with him? No, no, he lived in Dominica and I. I'm from Alaska. I don't know. I went there to see him. He was a piece of. How do you end up in Alaska if he's Dominican? So he ran. He ran from his crimes to Alaska. What were his crimes, by the way? People make. I mean, like, holy. This is. You know, people are like, wow. Kill Tony. You know, maybe they're making a lot of stereotype jokes. It's like, we're not. We are not. We are just facing the truth. In reality, my father wasn't there for me. He was robbing places, trying killing people, committing crimes. Holy man. Like, I'm trying to give everybody an opportunity here. And holy. This is like if Asian people were coming out, like, sorry, I'm late. Got in a car accident. Like, this is crazy what's happening here. This is an eclipse. It's like a dark eclipse of darkness. This is incredible. Bunch of dead criminal fathers. Okay, so what kind of crimes was he committing? Was. This was in Alaska? Nah, he. He escaped to Alaska. That's where he got caught. But last scamming. He was a scammer. He was a scammer. Okay, and what kind of scams was he doing? Do you know? Exactly? I think calls like, he would set up. I don't know too much about him. I. Yeah, all good. Yeah, all good. Okay. So he got caught in Alaska committing crimes and fled to the Dominican Republic deported. Deported. Deported. Wow. What year was this? Free? Who was president at the time? Like, 2001. 2001. Okay. Wow. He must have really committed crimes for Biden to deport him. It's amazing. Normally, he would just keep those people here and tell them to get out and vote anyway. Lorenzo, Tyrese. So what's mom up to? Mom? Just like last time. She's still on drugs. Still on drugs? What kind of drugs is mom on? Be real with you. The Neo kind of. Wow. Damn. So you're out there on your own. You're just doing it? How old are you, Lorenzo? She got a man, though, huh? No, I'm sorry. Lance wanted me to ask that. All right, all right, all right, all right. I was a little curious. Wow. So how old are you, Lorenzo? I'm 23. 23 years old. 23 what? Huh? 23? Yes, sir. Yep. Okay. So you have any special skills or hobbies that you do when you're not doing standup comedy? I've been cutting homeless people's hair. Really? Yeah, I actually retired. Are you getting their permission first? Yeah. The black and mild and free haircut. They love it. They love it. Amazing. Do they really love it, or are you giving them the same haircut that you have? Well, I buzzed a couple because I couldn't work with it. They had nothing up here, just straight sunburn. So. Yeah, I just. How many homeless people do you think you've given haircuts to? This is so interesting. Eight on camera. Oh, you're making money off of it. Oh, you're absolutely doing it for your own personal gain. Wow. Incredible. Your parents would be so disappointed if they knew this was happening. Okie dokie. Nobody laughed at that. I guess I'm the asshole on that one. All right, 23. Been on comedy for two years. What else about you? How do you make money, work at a little smoke shop? Okay, there's another theme. Yeah, second one. There's a running theme here. You ever get robbed there? Not yet. Okay. Not yet. Would you say it's a what shop? Hemp Hemp shop. Okay. How long have you been working there? About a year and a half. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I like it. What's your love life like? So I wasn't booed up when I last got here, but I have a girlfriend now. Okay. Where'd you meet her? At Hinge Yeah, Hinge. Right after I got off, I was like, kill Tony might be regular. Oh, you posted all the photos of me? No, she tried to scam her. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm sorry. Was I hallucinating or was. Did you come out and do, like, a titty dance? Oh, wow. No, that's real. Yeah, that happened. That's crazy. I've never seen puberty stop at the neck before. That's nuts. Your head is completely untouched by testosterone. It's true. I use Minoxidil trying to get a beard, and that should not work. Oh, man. It takes time sometimes, Lorenzo. I saw that. Let's talk about it. When you met this girl on Hinge, where's the first place you went on a date? We went to Red Farm. Asian cuisine. Asian cuisine. How did that go? Pretty good. Anything weird happen? No. Okay. No. And then you took her back. Where? To your place. Her place. Shit. Alaska. We went on a long ass walk in the dark. I was like, are you sure you want to do. Like, this is kind of weird. And she's like, yeah, I do this all the time by myself. I'm like, like, what? Have you heard of the Rain Street Ripper? And she's like, yeah, but I don't. I think you're the one that should be worried about the Rainy Street Ripper, buddy. I don't know if you've seen his clientele, but it's you. It's us. It's us. It is. It is us. I know, but I put that one on you. I've already had about five gay jokes on me this episode. Okay, so, Lorenzo, how long have you been with her now? It's been five months. Six months. Okay, what's the highlight of it all? What's your favorite thing about having a girlfriend? She's really funny. Honestly, she's really funny. I'm not gonna lie. Nice. Well, next time, you should have her sign up. Oh, my God. No, Lorenzo, you're doing fine, buddy. You're just beginning. You're so young. Thank you. You love doing it, right? I do. You got a small joke book? Last time I did. Guess what? Tonight you're getting a medium size. Oh, my goodness. We're working up. We're working up. Let's go, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Lorenzo Tyree. There you go. No. All right. How about. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? All right, we're gonna keep it moving along here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Buffy. Everyone. Buff, One more time for Buffy. Everybody. Starting now. A little girl once asked me if I was from Whoville. What? Okay. What. What is happening? Are y' all having bowel movements? Cool. The last guy I dated, I called Daddy because he too forgot my birthday, ghosted me and said I was too loud in bed. But I'm finally dating somebody that's not after just one thing. He's after two. Well, three if we count my mouth. Okay, Buffy, we're gonna stop you there. Wow. You got two and a half jokes out there in 60 seconds. Took a little while. You let the crowd kind of be symphony with you, if you will. Yeah. Welcome, Buffy. Have you done stand up before? I have. Okay. How long have you been doing it? It. I've been on here before. You have? 7:43. 7:43, absolutely. What, are we on now? Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Thank you. Red band. What a great partner. Okay. It's like two months ago. Did it go better last time? Are you a little. Are you under the influence of something right now? No. Nothing at all? No medicine? No alcohol? Nothing at all? Uh huh. What is that? What's that noise? What is the answer? You can tell the truth. It's okay. We all know it. We are positive Shakespeare's okay. What did you have at Shakespeare's? Just a pitcher. Just one pitcher with a vod. It's a vodka soda pitcher. Right. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I had the bucket of Xanax special. Holy. Cool. Cool. You're not driving tonight, are you? No. Okay. All right. Good. How do you travel? How do you get around? I typically drive. You typically drive, but you didn't drive tonight? No. Are you sure? You're leaving your car downtown, aren't you? Thank you. No, don't thank me. That's crazy. Just out of curiosity, can we get the. Can we get the Breathalyzer? Do we have the Breathalyzer? Let's try this. Grab a Narcan just in case while you're at it. You gotta get dust off the old Breathalyzer here. Here we gotta. Yeah. Here she comes. The lovely Heidi with a breathalyzer. It's taken a few practice runs, but I think Heidi has actually trained on this now. Yes. So here we are, ladies and gentlemen. And do we have the. Do we have the police officer? Can he pop up real quick? Can we get our buddy up here? Is she blowing? She blew for a minute. 15 seconds during your set. It should be pretty easy. Here's our resident police officer. Make some noise for Barbosa. What do we got? What's the reading there? It says Flow, Flo. What does that mean, Barbosa? Flow and flow. You know what that means? Why don't we try it again? Heidi has the. The technical abilities of an absolute blow up doll, ladies and gentlemen. It's. It's incredible. There she is. She's blowing everyone. The breathalyzer. Can't get herpes twice, I heard. There you go. Something happening, Heidi. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real breathalyzer. And the answer is it's on a loading screen and the. Oh. Fifteen. So hold on. All right. All right. Let Barbosa. Tim, give Barbosa that microphone real quick. I don't. I don't know what that means. Well, he's about to tell you. What would. What would. What would. 0.15. 11 5. What would that win her if you pulled her over? What would 15 she get? A little joke book. Big joke book. Definitely a big joke book. And a trip to jail. Ah, I love it. We got to make sure. Keep an eye on her tonight. Don't let her hit the streets. D Madness, too. Don't let him drive tonight either. That. Yeah. That's pretty high, right? That is high. I believe that's twice over the legal limit. Yeah. You performed like you were three times over the legal limit. So that's the good news. We're now. This changes everything. She started to find a rhythm by the end. And I think it makes it actually pretty impressive. It is amazing. You may have found your voice. How about a hand for Officer Barbosa, ladies and gentlemen? Always amazing. The Austin Police Department. That's a real police officer. That's how present they are in la. You could call them and it'll take an hour and a half for them to show up here. It's like. Hey, can you come up here real quick? Texas justice over here. Have you gotten a DUI before? Huh? Yeah. Only one? Only one. Very good. What'd you blow on that one? The cop? Yeah. How much? Huh? Do you remember what you blew? It was in 2013. Oh. That's a whole different time. Back then, a 0.15 was worth 0.18. Right? Buffy, what do you do for work? How do you survive? So what is so funny? I didn't even answer. You're drunk. You signed up for this show. I know. I'm so excited. Hell, yeah. No, I. I'm a stunt driver. I told you that. Oh, I remember you now. I'm. I'm that person. Yeah. Okay. Have you been working lately? No, I'm in Austin. Okay. So how do you make money when you're in Austin? Well, I saved up some money to be here. Okay. All right. All driving is stunt driving. After you've had a few, she's drifting in other lanes and shit like that. Amazing. And Buffy, what's your love life like? You're here in Austin, Texas. A bunch of rock stars all around you, musicians all over. It's changed since I've been on the show. Oh. I've been offered a lot of ski trips. Is that a code for something? Yeah. Guys want to do cocaine with you on 6th Street. Yeah. Let's take a ski trip to Shakespeare's Half Price Pictures. I've been jacking off two guys. Yeah. No, when I was on here, I mentioned about not wanting to date older men because they were writing off activities like skiing. And so men in my DMs were offering me ski trips. Wow. That's nuts. Amazing. I'm like, they have money, so I should take them up on it. Did you take anybody up on it? One guy offered me like, golf lessons. And so we're gonna have like a golf lesson. We're looking for a third for tomorrow. Wow. I don't know if you feel like driving the golf cart. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's. It's. It's cold. A threesome. Not a third. Force. Threesome force. Lance, you old dog. Buffy. What else do. You told me to say that? What? Buffy. What else do you do for fun? What else makes Buffy Buffy other than the stunt driving and the attempting? Comedy. Comedy. What else? Oh, no. Attack. What? Comedy. Oh, okay. Did you just piss a little? Yeah. I've never seen anyone get drunk or without drinking on stage. This is incredible. It's like the delayed release alcohol. Wait, what? Other than the comedy and the stunt driving, what else do you do? And makes me leak a little. What? God, you're. There she goes, everybody. Buffy. You already have a little joke book, right? No, I have a big joke. Well, you it up tonight. There you go. There she goes. Buffy, everybody. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes you're. Can I done it? Car keys. Real quick. Sometimes you've done good, you get a big joke book. And then the next time you get a little overconfident, you have a picture of vodka next door. And then. There she goes, everybody. Buffy, everyone. Buffy the vodka pitcher. Slayer. This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legendary nights from backyard jams to sold out arenas. There's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly. Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee. Limu Imu and Doug. Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty, Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates excludes Massachusetts. Well, I have a very, very special treat for all of you ladies and gentlemen. A very, very, very. One of the greatest comedians in the world is here to bless us for a moment of stand up comedy. Not only is he one of me and Lance's favorite golf friends, he's also one of the coolest guys in the world. And like I said, one of the greatest comedians in the world. The guy that got this whole Austin party started. Make some noise for the one and only Ron White. What a band. What a band. Worth the price of admission. So I just got off a plane and I came. I actually heard Lance was gonna be on. I thought I gotta come up here. And I just came in from Los Angeles. And my favorite thing about Los Angeles, Tony, is that the people out there. And you know, I've always been kind of pro California, which is not always a popular thing, you know, and. But the people out there are just so goddamn pretty. And I. And I'll tell you how it happened. Back in the 1920s, they started making movies out there and all these beautiful people from all over the world, all over America, flocked the fuck out there to be in the movies. And they couldn't all be in the movies. Some got regular jobs. But they met those people that were in the movies. They got together, they had these beautiful babies. And those babies grew up and met other babies from the same area. They got together and had even more beautiful babies. And almost the exact opposite thing is happening right now in Kansas. Kansas is full of ugly quitters. Have you ever been there? It's true. Those people that live on the west coast, their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail and fought hardships you and I can't even dream of with starvation and weather crossing the Rocky Mountains. Not those people in Kansas. Their forefathers got on the Oregon Trail in St. Louis, Missouri. They got to Kansas, said Florida, it. I'm staying Here. And I'm gonna fuck that fat girl right over there. We had a baby. It looks like a potato. And that potato grew up and met another potato from the same town. And that's a downward spiral. Topeka. That's exactly how that fucking happened. I generally just popped in to say hi, and that is amazing. You guys get to see exactly how the fuck it's done. That's the difference between a bucket pool and a regular. And one of the greatest of all time, Ron White. You are the fucking man. All right, man. Good to see you guys, man. Just wanted to say hi. We'll see you in a little bit. We'll party after this. Come on, guys. One more time for Raw Life. Holy. What a show we have tonight. Unbelievable. Hey, what do we have over here? What do you. Oh, this guy. What do you want to. You want to come say hi? Pop out real quick. Look at this. It's like the Royal Rumble tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely, anything can happen. Popping in also to say hello. Another one of the greatest comedians of all time. Absolute comedy royalty. The son of Mitzi Shore, movie star comedian. This is Paulie Shore. Thank you. What's up? How's it going, dudes? Thank you. What's up? So I did acid recently. Anyone else do acid? The thing is, if you do acid, don't do it at the fucking Sphere in Las Vegas. That's fucking gay. I did it in the back of one of those waymos. Holy shit. The waymos are the fucking cars with no one fucking driving. I started freaking out. I started fucking driving the car. And after that, I get myself two stars. Two stars. At least I'm not sober, like gay ass. Fucking Charlie Sheen, bro. What a fucking sellout this guy is, right? Anyone here sober? That's not fucking cool, dude. I have friends that are sober. I got this one friend that's sober. He doesn't do shit. I'm like, you can't have a glass of red wine with your fucking dinner, bro. He's like, if I do that, they'll want to snort an eight ball. I'm like, how the fuck do you go from wine to a fucking eight ball? He goes, I don't know. You fucking tell me, dude. And I have another friend of mine who smokes pot every day. You guys got these friends. He's throwing the marijuana he puts in his food. Went to his house the other day, had some chicken pot. Pot pie. Paulie motherfucking Shore. There you go. On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Thank you. For having me on your program. Make some fucking noise for Pauly Shore. This is a goddamn party. Thank you for having me on your program. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Now make some noise for Shane Gillis. No, I'm kidding. That's not right. I don't ever do that. I lied. I lied. That was very naughty of me. Oh, this drunk guy's furious. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. I love it. I love it. I love it. And yet you pay for this. Oh, I love it. All right. Some poor innocent soul out of the bucket has to follow Ron White and Paulie Shore back to back. Make some noise for Liv Taylor, everybody. That shame. Okay, I realize that I. I do look like I would never turn down a foot long. Okay. I do hate Subway, though. I think it's overrated. Any subway fans in here? Okay, a couple. I think it's overrated. But also, like, I just think their subs suck. I think, like, I hate Subway because they managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogle, the subway guy, we all remember him, right? Managed to convince the entire world that Jared Fogle, the subway guy, lost over 250 pounds by only eating Subway and not fucking kids. Guys, we all know the saying. Weight loss is what diet and exercise. Okay. I've never fucked a kid, but I imagine it would take a lot of work. Okay. That's all I'm saying. I don't know. Okay. Lib Taylor, it's a tough spot you were in. That was a rip. It was back. You said Shane, and I'm like, where the fuck is he, dude? Like, stop. I know, I know. You had to sweat it out back there. Literally and metaphorically. Yeah. Liv, welcome back to the show. You've been on before. Yes. And what do we find out about you, Liv? Remind us a lot of sad. It's okay, though. I'm a dad alive. I'm an orphan. Mom. Dad is alive. Mom's dead. Mom's dead. How did mom die? She got hit by a car. Oh, wow. Okay. I was waiting for it. It's always some siren or horn of some sort. Liv, has anything changed since the last time you were on the show? What's going on with you? What's up? And why? I'm, you know, just working. Surviving. What do you do for work? I'm a vet tech. Okay. I work in. How are the animals? Good. Yeah. They're. I mean, I take it day by day. Any weird animals come in lately? I had a really, really sad case today. It's called a septic abdomen, which is basically like Intestine, Something perf. So all the grossness gets inside, and you got to go in surgery and figure it out. I do the anesthesia part, so I keep the animal asleep. Dog or cat? It was a dog. Did it survive the surgery? It did survive the surgery. I'm very proud. Wow. It did survive. Is there a butt coming there? It looked like there was a. But they did decide. They elected to euthanize at the after. Wait a second. I fucking sucked. I cried. It sucked. It's one of those situations where it was just a lot of money. And it was another situation with the dog. It was very, very young, and it was like a lifelong thing that they would have had to deal with. What was the lifelong thing that it had what's called, like, a liver shunt. So basically, it only had a. It didn't metabolize things very well, so it only had, like, a certain lifespan. So it was like, it would probably live to maybe 4 years old. Could they have fed it till it exploded? If it obstructed. For sure. For sure. Yeah. Is it true veterinarians have, like, a higher suicide rate than any other profession? It is the number one. Number one profession for suicide rate. 100%. Explain to us why that is. Because they're all wearing fucking chokers. Yeah, there's a lot of us that wear these in that. In that profession. I mean, you just. You just got to think about it. Like, human medicine and veterinary medicine don't work the same. So, like, insurances work the same. It's very costly. You know, when you have things happen with your animals, like emergencies and stuff. So, like, people just can't afford it. Oh, yeah. I'm upside down on a cat right now. People, people. $2,500 on a cat. On. I don't like what's happening with your cat. He ate half of a Nerf dart and it got stuck in his bow. Obstruction. Obstruction. Telling you, Dumb chubby charged us $3,000 to get it out. She's right next to you. I saved your cat. Okay. Be thankful. That's years of schooling. You're welcome. Wow. Amazing. Liv, what else is going on in life? You have a boyfriend? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, kind of, sort of. Well, I mean, I do if I'm. I'm also a widow, so I've just started getting. Your guy died in a car accident. Correct. Wow. Everything with cars. Lots of cars. Yeah. Yeah. It's wild. You're a widow. But I'm. Believe it or not, I'm. I'm a woman. But I'm an excellent driver. You could ask anybody. I don't care what anybody's. I am actually a really good driver anyways. That's why I'm still alive. Okay. Anyways, it's amazing you're a good driver and you do euthanasia. If you rewind it, it's a great joke. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I. So I'm still like. I started seeing somebody when I first got here and we were like, seeing each other for a while and I kind of just got into like this like. Like panic mode, I think, where I didn't exactly know what I wanted and I kind of just wanted to be by myself. But I think it's more so just like I want to figure out who I am as a person outside of being with somebody else. I know. I know. It's so sad. I'm back with this person. I'm back with this person. We'll make it exciting. I. Tony, I. Okay, what do you mean when you say that? What exactly do you mean? I fucking. Yeah, but like, when you say that so aggressively, what exactly do you mean by that? All the dogs? Yeah, I mean, you know, like, I guess very straightforward said like, you know, lady in the streets, freakin the sheets kind of thing. Now, is dog squirt also pissed? That's a good question. I'm sorry. Lance wanted me to. No, This shit has to stop. Yeah, I agree, Lance. It's not going great. No. But I did see a dog clitoris for the first time a couple weeks ago. Let's go. Yeah, tell us about it. They're evolving. This is good news for Redband. I mean, basically the dog came in because the owner saw like a mass on the vulva, which for men, that's the outside of the vagina. Just so you know. That's what it's called. There you go. How much pressure do you got to put on them? Are you supposed to be inspecting your pets vulva? And I didn't know that. I mean, it's kind of there for you to see. You know, you can see if a dog. If a dog's a male or female just by looking at it for sure. But, you know, I mean, they were looking. They're looking pretty close but funny. It was just like right there. It was like. They said it was like a fleshy mass. And then just looking at it, the. That's how most guys would describe a clitoris in this room. Like, what is that? I don't even know what that is. What's that fleshy mass on the Outside there, just like. I don't know. I think I'm. I think that's her clitoris. So was it. It was enough. It was her. Was it a big. It wasn't. It was just. It was just not. It's not. That's not normally where it's like, what kind of dog was it? What kind of. What was the doodle thing? It was a doodle thing with a. And it had. They mix everything with poodles. Yeah, they call them doodles. Like, do you know it's Instagram. Red band. Oh, my God. I'd love to have her on the Secret Dog show Thursday. You're getting a little bone. How much would it cost to get my dog's vulva bigger and, like, some, like, nothing Breast implants. It's a whole different specialty, dog. That's a whole different. Different specialty. Red band asked him to ask that question. Wow. So. Wow. The job's a lot of fun. It can be. The job is fun. Yeah. Wow. And they have clits. Yeah. It's crazy. Your dog has a. If you have a female dog, it has a amazing. Do dogs squirt? Is that a thing during sex? Is that ever. Is that possible? Just out of curiosity. Expressing glands. No, expressing. Expressing anal glands. That's different. That's different. Red band. I have seen a male dog. Like, you know how you'll see funny videos of dogs just, like, humping the air? I've actually seen a dog, like, finish. Wow. It's. Ew. It's. It's. It was weird, but I mean, did it pull out? Like, how did it. No, it was just in the air, like, he. Whoa. She does. Hold on. Don't leave me hanging, dog. Don't leave me hanging, dog. Hell, yeah. Amazing. Liv, what size joke book did you get last time you were out? I got a big one. Okay. Well, there you go. Keep filling it up. There goes Lib Taylor, ladies and gentlemen. All right, let's get one last bucket. Pull up here. Your final bucket pocket pole of the night. Goes by the name of Ian Sharp, everybody. Ian Sharp. Here we go. We're gonna put our little ribbon on it after this. Wow. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for welcoming me into this, on this stage, into this free speech zone where I can say whatever I want with no repercussions whatsoever. Not like out in old free speech zone. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Can you believe there's things I can't say today in America? For example, Arnold. Arnold Paul Fuck. Arnold. Pa. Arnold. You know that drink, it's like half sweet tea, half lemonade. Arnold. Fuck. I can't say it. Wish they change it, you know, to something I can say like, I don't know, like retard water. You know, I can say that anytime I want. Retard. It just rolls right off the tongue, you know, Some people get mad at that joke, right? They say it's like it's punching down. They say, but if you pay attention, it's not about anybody, right? Like, I'm not calling anybody that. I'm not anti retard. I'm pro choice. Was that a minute? Was that not a minute? Jesus, Ian. Here we go. Hi, Ian. Thank you. Is this your first time on the show? So I counted as my first. My first time was on like a turbo round. So I just went up and did my minute and then you guys got me out of here. Okay. Was that at Vulcan? No, it was here. It was here. It was like the last, the record setting most guests ever on the show that. Okay. Well, you're part of history. Welcome back, Ian. This went better, right? Absolutely, yes. I love it. How long you been doing stand up? Oh, God, like 14 years. 14 years. Wow. Where at? Chattanooga, Tennessee. Wow. What keeps you in Chattanooga? Well, nothing. I moved here. All the pussy dogs have clits now. Ian, what do you do for work? I do it. Tech support. Okay, that's help desk. What is going. Senior IT correspondent Tim Butterley. Look, help desk is. That's where you start out. You don't make any money, everyone thinks you're a creep and they treat you like dog. So it's like, this is a bro. I feel so seen right now. Hell, also, real quick, I really liked your stuff. I thought that was really great, great bit and I was really impressed. Thank you. I don't think they gave it up enough. I really love that. Shocked. You are adorable, Ian. You really are. What's the rest of your life like? What do you do when you're not doing stand up or doing I T? A lot of dnd I put. I like, I paint miniatures. Never mind dungeons. Everything you would expect just by looking at me. Dragons. What else other than dnd? There must be other things. You Magic the Gathering. Do any Warhammer? Sort of, kind of. I mean, I play other games like Warhammer, but I mean, you guys don't want to hear about that. I don't want to go into all that. But you know, I mean, I, I. Bro, you're playing knockoff Warhammer. That's Deep, man. Do you have a girlfriend? What do you think? Have you ever humped the air and came. Tony. It's like there before the grace of God go I, man. God bless you, brother. You watch pornian? What do you think? It's a great. It's a great interview. You're killing it. Just. That could be every answer to every question. What would we find if we looked at your porn search history? What would we find? Ask me what I think. So you want a real answer? Yeah, I want real depth. Pet. No. Yes. Liver shunt. Septic gut. Oh, that's over the line. All right. What. What would be your honest search history? Give us something good here and honest. I. I like the older ladies. Oh, wow. Have you ever kissed an older lady in all in Austin, Texas. Have you not in Austin. Really? Is there an older lady out there that wants to come up and give this guy a kiss? That's a man for sure. We have the best fans in the world. Is there a woman over. We'll say 40 or 50 out there. Anybody still that guy really wants to get on stage. Really? There's not a. I guess there's not even really an older woman. This lady doesn't want it. You can't suggest people, sir. No, they have to want to do it. Come on. There's got to be someone out there. What about this lady sitting. Sitting with the male mermaid? Ma', am, I'm looking at you. Yeah, where? That's your husband. Holy. Where's the lady that blew a 18? You guys got. What the. Did I sign up right now? Now there's nobody. We don't have a four year old. We don't have a hero out there. There's no older ladies. People are point. Still pointing. That's a man, everybody. There's some guys that are so drunk that they are still pointing at the same guy. Nobody. All right, well, someone run out real quick and find one. This is like my life for begging people to kiss me. It's. No, no, no, no, dude. No way. That I don't know. What about like a regular age lady or something? Yeah, we do. Like a glory hole kiss, maybe. Yeah. I'll be on the other side waiting for you. So, Ian, have you gotten. No. No sexual partners whatsoever? You're not interested? What? I mean, I wouldn't say that. I've done pretty well. I love. What. How dare you, Tony? I do all right. I do okay enough to not be sad about it. That's cool, man. Yeah. You seem happy. I like you, Ian. I like you. Thank you, guys. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? I mean, I don't know. I used to kind of be in a marginally successful metal band when I was younger. Oh, wow. What was the name of the metal band? Ooh, this is. This is where it gets rough. We were called With Faith or Flames. We were a Christian metal band. Wow. What. What. What did you play in the band? I was the vocalist. I was really that guy. Can you give us an example? Can you get. Can you give us a. It's been a while, but I'll try. Are the songs copy written on YouTube or so? I don't think so. I mean, like, I think all the rights have gone back to us at this point. It's been that long? Yeah, It'll probably set it off, but yeah. Can you do it slightly out of tune? You want me, like, you just want me to holler? Do you have an original? Yeah, just holler. Wow, that's amazing, Ian. Here's the big joke, folk. We love you, Ian. Hell yeah. Ian Sharp, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Jesus is the. He died for our sins. All right, there's only one way to end an episode like this. And what an episode it's been. We have the great Lance Armstrong, Matt McCusker, Tim Butterly. We've seen so much. Aya, Sir Winston Pickles. Dedrick. Ron White, Paulie Shore. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all time appearances, all time interviews, a living member of the KIL Tony hall of Fame, the greatest kill Tony regular of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Memphis Strangler. The vanilla gorilla, the big Red machine, William Montgomery. Who is the luckiest man in America? Amy Schumer's husband. She's divorcing him. I was driving through Oklahoma this weekend and noticed signs that said, do not pick up hitchhikers. They may be escaped prisoners. What? So there are just so many escaped prisoners in Oklahoma that motorists need to be warned? Here's an idea. Use less steel on the escape prisoner warning signs and more on the jail cell bars. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like Beethoven's fifth Symphony is when he really sold out his first ep, though. Shit. I wrote a summary of Jesus Sermon on the Mount. And I. I think I'm just going to call them Cliff Notes. Okay, that's my time. Wow. He's done it again. Exactly one minute from the man. That's done it more than anybody ever, William. Lights out. McGumball's Montgomery. Wow. How's it going, what a performance. So nice to see you. I'm feeling much better this week. I've been on the Row machine. And also, Lance, I really, I grew up watching bicycling with my father. And there's a funny story. My mother was in town maybe a year and a half ago and we see you up in the thing. And my mom was like, yeah, William and his dad used to bike a lot. William's dad was pretty fast. Not as fast as you. And without missing a beat, you say, yeah, no shit. It was hilarious. It really was. I didn't say that at all. No kidding. It really is an honor though. Like, I remember that. I, I. Your mom was sweet. I followed you on Instagram. I was like, this is, this is cool. This is. Yeah. And I didn't say right. I thought it, but I didn't say it. Yeah, fair enough. That's right. That's right. William was a big time bicyclist back in his day. Still thought you're about to say bisexual. Well, still has the calf muscles. Your legs are absolutely ripped. You still got it. It. It's amazing that your legs don't match your head at all. I know. I just continue to lose all my hair and I look sicker and sicker. I'm starting to look like Red Band. A little bit in the face. A little bit. Lance, don't you think you're still a very fit guy. Don't you think Red Band needs to do some sort of exercise? I think his fat ass needs to do some sort of exercise. Maybe for his New Year's resolution he can start losing a little weight or something. Don't you think he. Even biking can help. I think something like that could help because Redbin. Lance, listen to this. Red Band gets a. He finally gets a bike a couple years ago. But it's the kind of bike with a motor on. And it is true. You can't even make it up. And to this day, the pedals are just spotless. That thing straight motor got no pedals. Didn't you have a poster of Lance on your wall growing up? Yes, I had many pictures of bicyclists on my wall. And you were up. Okay. Red Band. Red Band. I think Red Band had a bunch of Miss Piggy posters. Yeah. On the ceiling. Like a weirdo. Let's check in with Tim Butter. Red Band. Do you. Your tires still have those little tiny rubber spots going off? No, he uses the motor. He, he uses the hell out of the motor. He's had to change the oil and he's. There's no oil. No, I know. It's electric. They're electric. And it's two motors to get my fat out. Hats up the hill. But seriously, do you ever ride that thing? No, I do all the time. Really? In Pflugerville or. I mean, I don't ride it much downtown because you can't really park it. It anywhere. But yeah. Oh, that's why you don't ride your bicycle? Yes. It's. The parking is the problem. It's like a $5,000 bike. Oh, yeah. Lance, maybe. Maybe you could inspire Red Band by letting him ride on your pegs for a little while. Hold on. Lance doesn't use pegs, dumbass. What the. What kind of succulist. Damn. What kind of succulist do you think Lance is? Dude, seriously. He's not a BMX rider, dumbass. He's not using peg. Seriously, William is. I got your back, Lance. I mean, can you believe. Yeah. Appreciate it. Yeah. William is on fire, by the way. By the way. All the poster talk, all this. You didn't follow me back. Oh, yeah. Fact, Fact. All right, let me do it tonight, right after the. Too late. Block him, Lance. Yeah, block his ass. Had your mom up there. Everything. I was nice. And nothing. Wow. Why is that, William? Why didn't you follow him back? I don't know. I'm weird about it on there. I try to. There's no excuse at all. Oh, my gosh, Lance, let me ask you this. Why don't you name my friend Lance's three biggest wins? I mean, my personal favorite, what was it? 90. 99 was your first Tour de France win. Was it in 99? That was my favorite, honestly. Yeah, everyone knows Tour against Jan Ulrich. I remember that. Pontani. Yeah, I follow you, Lance. And I sent you a picture of a woman's butt a couple months ago. Yeah. You might know red bands won the Tour de Italy at the Olive Garden. Yeah. Set the record. Hey, I got a. I got a hack for you. You want to hear it instead of Tour of Italy? Because I don't like the chicken parmesan. You just get a regular lasagna and a kids Alfredo. And as a second side, you're allowed to choose apples or spaghetti. You get the spaghetti and it makes a better tour available. Wow. Look at the momentum of the show. Completely come to a halt, everybody. We were all laughing there for a while. And Red. Babe, be careful. I swear to God, I picture your ass finally having your deadly heart attack. Your face hitting the children's spaghetti. The that's, like, so sad. William, Lights out, Montgomery. We love you. What an appearance to be here. Thank you. One more time for William, everybody. And we did it. Thanks. Surprise fix and Shopify. Tim Butterly has The Algonauts the fourth Tuesday of every month with Matt McCusker, who's got his special humble offerings on Netflix right now. How loud can this place get? He had no reason to join us other than being a cool guy. Lance Armstrong. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, that's a Matt McUsker. Look at that. That's amazing. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in red band. Check out Sunset Strip atx.com secret show every Thursday. We love you guys. I don't. I don't know if it's sold out yet or not, but Kill Tony, the actual show. Kill Tony is going to Houston and Dallas in February and March. Actual tapings of the real show. So check that out if it's still available. And we love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Sam. She's wide awake in her whiskey. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.