#751 - SHANE GILLIS + JOE ROGAN

Summary

Kill Tony Episode #751

Guests: Shane Gillis & Joe Rogan
Date: January 6, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This electric episode features comedy heavyweights Shane Gillis and Joe Rogan joining hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban for another unpredictable live Kill Tony at the Comedy Mothership in Austin. Against the backdrop of Kill Tony’s upcoming Netflix special, comics from all walks of life take the stage for their shot at comedic glory, delivering raw, real, and sometimes wild sets. The episode spotlights the unpredictable chemistry and camaraderie among the hosts, comics, and the crowd, with Rogan and Gillis offering razor-sharp feedback, support, and signature banter throughout.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedian Highlights

1. Show Kickoff and Announcements

• Tony gushes about Austin’s comedy scene and announces Kill Tony’s Netflix debut (00:58).
• Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis receive big welcomes as frequent panel favorites (03:20).

“You are here. How you guys feeling tonight? This is Kill Tony brought to you by Netflix!” — Tony Hinchcliffe (00:58)

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2. Jack Shaw — Golden Ticket Winner

-Set: Jack faces DM hate, jokes about bombing, and peeing sitting down; set is self-deprecating and struggles to land.
-Props Bit: Jack brings “Hanukkah gifts” for the crew—including a custom Kill Tony yarmulke ("I'm gay" embroidered), a Lean Cuisine for Redban, a trans pride flag for the band, and googly eyes for D Madness (05:41–13:24).

• Panel Reactions: The gifts get more laughs than the material. Joe and Tony suggest Jack explore prop comedy further.

“This is going so much better than your set. This is incredible.” — Tony Hinchcliffe to Jack Shaw (09:16)

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3. Kojak (First Bucket Pull)

-Set: Edgy material around the George Foreman Grill/"George Floydman Grill," with punchlines about BLM and counterfeiting (14:06).

• Post-Set Interview: Candid discussion reveals Kojak is a black, gay, “racist” waiter dating a much younger Puerto Rican man who bags groceries at H-E-B.
• The hosts riff hard, teasing Kojak about his self-roasting, relationship, and risk of being fired for edgy jokes.

“Gay, Black, racist against Blacks—do you want to be my new best friend?” — Tony Hinchcliffe (19:50)

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4. Nick Tormey & Holly Jensen — The Taxidermy Comedy Couple

-Nick’s Set: Dark jokes on suicide and parkour; admits to living in a van; works for Amazon (26:31).

• Revelation: Nick’s fiancée, Holly Jensen, is in the audience and is invited to the stage.
• Holly’s Set: Witty bit about being a Jewish ex-stripper in Utah, dance mishaps, and dating Mormons (32:24).
• Panel: Holly is declared funnier in the couple, lands a potential gig via Heidi (the show’s booker).
• Memorable Moment: The couple introduces their taxidermy “son,” a toad named Winston.

“This is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man.” — Tony (34:10)

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5. Floyd Jones — Drum-Off & Kanye Bits

-Set: Jokes about Kanye, Trader Jews grocery stores, and sushi restaurant race-mix-ups (37:05).

• Interview: Floyd’s a comic and metal drummer; leads to a raucous “Mexican drum-off” judged by the crowd—house drummer Michael Gonzalez remains undefeated (39:45).
• Panel: Tony and crew playfully rib Floyd for his high-energy post-set persona.

“Honestly, this [panel] like Pokémon—started as Tony, evolved to Shane, then to the Charizard himself, Joe [Rogan].” — Floyd Jones (39:01)

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6. Dedrick Flynn — The Atlanta Regular

-Set: Hilarious long-form story about being the only Black guy at a country festival in Georgia, breast milk bets, and “day-walker” jokes (44:49).

• Panel: Dedrick’s new grill (gold teeth) is mercilessly critiqued by Rogan.
• Touring Stories: Recap of Dedrick’s first private jet experience with Tony.
• Rogan’s Advice: “Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around. Just get a goddamn operation and commit to a look.” (52:22)

“Dedrick, you’ve done it again. We love you. Freak of nature. The dark storm of Atlanta has graced us with his presence.” — Tony Hinchcliffe

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7. Tyler Cole — Self-Deprecating Newbie & Wild Interview

-Set: Jokes about Indian head-bobbing, Jersey Shore "Gaza" edition, and being accused of looking Italian (54:12).

• Panel: Tyler gets roasted for rocking a too-tight chain and fake Italian persona; panel unpacks his job selling houses and a wild story about hooking up for 9 months before learning his partner was married (61:19).
• Memorable Banter: Rich, honest, and sexual oversharing; Tony and the panel press for more juicy details.

“My god, am I good at these little interviews.” — Tony (61:21)

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8. Diamond Debbie — The Wait, Legendary Wheelchair Comic

-Set: Jokes about single motherhood, tomboys, dating in nursing homes, and “bluechew” (67:02).

• Backstory: 67 years old, 111th sign-up, hit by a Tesla, writing “Debbie Does Austin By Wheelchair”, daughter is a famous burlesque performer.
• Memorable Moment: Debbie receives her first Austin kiss (and then another) live on stage.
• Panel: Endears herself to the crowd, roasts and is savagely roasted back—with outstanding comedic spirit.

“If anybody can take a joke, it’s her, not you.” — Tony to the crowd (75:11)
“I couldn’t walk when I started, but it took so long to get up here, I learned to walk again.” — Diamond Debbie (80:24)

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9. Tadpole Triplet — 39-Year Standup, Broken Neck, Comedy Survivor

-Set: High-energy, self-aware jokes about depression, electricity, beards, and “Connor McBeggar” (89:46).

• Backstory: Started at age 10, staff writer on The Tonight Show, hit by diplomat’s daughter, neck fused with titanium, wears a neck brace.
• Panel: Encouraged to wear the neck brace onstage for comedic effect; Tony offers him help from Ways To Well medical group.
• Memorable Line: "Habitat Pole for Humanity… I'm trying to save all the titties! No mas titas delitas!" (98:41)

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10. Other Comics and Segments

• Gordon Dixon: Drunken, rapid-fire jokes on strip clubs, checks, and being a Jehovah’s Witness (101:13).
• Lindsey Campbell: Dark, unapologetic miscarriage joke; later reveals she's married to Trey Campbell, works as a bellboy, owns many pets, and delivers a 9/10 joke about her spayed German shepherd's tattoo (105:53).

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11. Ari Man—Estonian Assassin (Regular Set)

• Set: Hilarious, topical set on AI, jobs AI doesn’t want, and CAPTCHA (“identify traffic lights”) (109:04).
• Second Bit: Detailed account of Mossad’s tactical blunders from the Netflix doc “Spy Ops,” delivery kills the room with Jewish humor and historical references (114:37).
• Panel: Tony praises Ari’s talent and prolific writing, noting his ability to craft a killer set in just 36 hours for the Rogan-Gillis episode.

“What I love about this set, because it was so brilliant, so topical...and you wrote that in 36 hours.” — Tony (112:56)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Shane Gillis: (On Jack's Hanukkah yarmulke gift) "No, you should wear that." (08:43)
• Joe Rogan: (On Dedrick’s grill) "Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around...Just get a goddamn operation and commit to a look." (52:22)
• Tony Hinchcliffe: “Gay, black, racist against blacks. Do you want to be my new best friend?” (19:50)
• Diamond Debbie: “I couldn’t walk when I started, but it took so long to get up here, I learned to walk again.” (80:24)
• Panel on Holly Jensen (Comic Couple): “This is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man.” (34:10)
• Ari Mann: “AI stands up is going to be all algorithmical...AI ain’t gonna show his dick to the comedy club waitresses. I will.” (111:10)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------|-------------| | Joe Rogan & Shane Gillis Join | 03:20 | | Jack Shaw (Golden Ticket, Props) | 05:41-13:24 | | Kojak (George Floydman Grill) | 14:06-22:56 | | Nick Tormey & Holly Jensen (Taxidermy) | 26:31-36:15 | | Floyd Jones (Kanye, Drum-Off) | 37:05-44:49 | | Dedrick Flynn (Regular) | 44:49-53:56 | | Tyler Cole (Self-Deprecation) | 54:12-66:13 | | Diamond Debbie (Legendary Wheelchair) | 67:02-81:43 | | Tadpole Triplet (Broken Neck, History) | 89:46-100:22| | Lindsey Campbell (Miscarriage, Bellboy) |105:53-107:56| | Ari Mann (Estonian Assassin, AI, Mossad) |109:04-119:34|

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

The episode blends the chaos of open mic unpredictability with top-tier comedic craftsmanship. Rogan and Gillis' playful, unfiltered feedback, combined with Tony's incisive interviews and sharp wit, create a raucous comedy laboratory. Standout moments include prop-driven gags, confessional interviews, emotional on-stage firsts (kisses, triumphs over adversity), and the assured delivery of professional regulars.

This episode is a microcosm of what makes Kill Tony essential: real risk, genuine heart, and off-the-cuff hilarity—proving why Austin is the new mecca for comedy, and why Kill Tony continues to evolve as appointment listening (and now, appointment Netflix viewing).

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For a full dose of this episode’s wildness and warmth, catch Kill Tony: Once Upon a Time in Texas, streaming on Netflix January 12th, 2026.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[B]

You can also check out shopsquad TV.

[A]

For Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you.

[B]

Live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony. Let's go.

[A]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Thanks for going to the Brian Red Band. Wait a minute. Oh my God, we've done it again. You are here. How you guys feeling tonight? This is Hill Tony brought to you by Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, where this upcoming Monday, January 12th, kill Tony once upon a Time in Texas airs only streaming on Netflix. So we won't be on YouTube next week. We are only on Netflix. How cool is that, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Matt Muling on guitar tonight playing a Matt Muhling signature guitar from John Page guitars. That's John Dee's on the keys. And believe it or not, that is the real D madness. Live in the flesh, the Kel Tony band single Pandemonium out now on Spotify and everywhere where music is played. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kil Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas March 28th. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com for tickets. Right now, see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston February 28th. One in Grand Prairie March 28th. Tony hinchcliffe.com get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You know, I love living here in Austin, Texas and I just get to work with my friends every week. This is one of those episodes where truly two of my best friends in the world are on tonight's panel, Austin Zone. Make some fun of noise for Joe Rogan and Shane Gillett. There we go. God damn motherfucking right, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We are here. Shane Gillis doing the Lincoln Financial Field, aka Eagles Football Stadium, July 17th.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, go to that.

[A]

And Joe Rogan of the jre, the number one show around the world. These are the homies. Normally we get to hang out on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, some Thursdays. But tonight we are here on a fucking Monday, getting the week started. Right? How we feeling, gentlemen?

[B]

Let's fucking go.

[A]

Yes, indeed.

[B]

Feel good. I feel excited. Legitimately very excited and excited to be here.

[A]

You guys are two of the best guests in the show's history. So you already know that this bucket is filled with over 250 or so of hopefuls names. Sometimes it's a great upcoming comedian who we haven't discovered yet. Sometimes it's an insane person that just signed up this week.

[B]

Week.

[A]

You never know what can happen. I'm going to go. I'm going to let this guy whose eyes are extremely close together. I'm going to let you pick the first name tonight. You could wear a monocle and look through both eyes through a monocle. It's unbelievable. If I select one of these people out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. They get feedback from my dear friends here, and we have a hoot nanny. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're gonna get it started tonight with a golden ticket winner. While we go wrangle that innocent soul who's going to go up after him. This golden ticket winner is great at opening the show. Very neurotic, very, very wild. Boy, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted, a brand new set from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here we go.

[B]

Someone DMed me and they said, fuck you, fuck the Jews. I don't support bombing hospitals. And I was like, yo, that's not me. I'm not doing that. I have no part in that. If I did have a drone, I'd bomb the homeless people. I mean, talk about making unwanted settlements. That's what I'm talking about.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Didn't go great.

[A]

All right, cool.

[B]

I'm just a silly little guy, dude. That's just what I am. My girl told me that it gives her the ick that I pee sitting down. So I got upset with her, okay? And I said, if you don't like me peeing sitting down, you should see me pooping standing up. Also didn't go as great as I thought it Would. Okay, very cool. Awesome.

[A]

Okay, got one more.

[B]

Awesome. Hey, you guys hear this app, Rocket Money? Okay. I got this app, and if you don't know what it is, it's an app that tells you the subscriptions that you have. And, well, I got the app. It turns out I have two Rocket Money subscriptions. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Jack Shaw really criticizing himself throughout his set, not leaving much work for us to do. I don't know why you had to bring up the DM that I sent you. Yeah, that was supposed to be between me and you, Jack. I mean, you know how that went. You thought it was gonna go better, huh?

[B]

I really did. Yeah. I was really like, wow, this is gonna go great. And then I got out here, and it wasn't.

[A]

Why do you think it was? What do you think exactly happened here tonight?

[B]

Yeah, that's a great question. And I think that maybe it was me.

[A]

You are correct. That is the correct answer.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man.

[A]

How's life been going, Jack? It's been great.

[B]

It's the last night of Hanukkah tonight, everybody.

[A]

Wow. That's a way to get the Texas crowd on your.

[B]

I. I actually I brought some presents for all you guys. That's kind of what I.

[A]

You did.

[B]

I brought some presents.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Heidi, could you bring out my Hanukkah presents?

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Here we go. It's Hanukkah time with Jack Shaw. Ladies first.

[B]

Hanukkah time and ladies first. So, Tony, I actually got you something very special. I made you your very own Kill Tony Yarmulke.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

Put that on. Put that on.

[A]

Oh, it says I'm gay on it. There you go. This is where all your preparation for this week's set went into. I love it.

[B]

No, you should wear that.

[A]

Shut the up. Like I said, tonight's episode is already brought to you by Netflix. I don't need to put it on.

[B]

And Rocket Money when the deal Money.

[A]

When the deal's up. In two years, I might have to put this back on again, but for now, we good?

[B]

All right.

[A]

What else you got over there? Oh, we got.

[B]

And then we got. I got something special for Red Band. Oh, I got you a Lean Cuisine, cuz. Cuz you're fat.

[A]

There you go. This is going so much better than your set. This is incredible.

[B]

Could you pass this down to him?

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Just like, he actually ate it already. Of course, there's nothing in it, fatty.

[A]

But if you tear it up properly, it actually turns into a Lean Cuisine yarmulke. Okay, what else, Jack?

[B]

That's a good idea. I should talk to you more.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then for our favorite Latino members of the band, I got you citizenship to the United States of America.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Michael Gonzalez.

[B]

You are Americans.

[A]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. How many gifts do you have left over there?

[B]

Pretty much for everyone in the audience. Okay.

[A]

And then, John Dees, I got you something.

[B]

I didn't really know what to get you, but Hans Kim told me to get you a bike lock so you could practice stealing.

[A]

Wow, look at that.

[B]

That's for you.

[A]

Okay, we'll take care of that later. What else you got there, Jack?

[B]

Okay, Matt Muling. I heard that you're a big liberal.

[A]

Oh, my God. Wow.

[B]

The flag is crazy. You're near it, you go, wow, that's just schizophrenic, you know, that flag is totally schizophrenic. What is going on here? Apparently, it's an inclusivity flag. There's so much happening in that flag.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know what the circle.

[B]

Wait, did we. Did we get a white stripe on there? Now, hold on a second. This flag might be all right. I don't know. There's a white power stripe on the flag. That's crazy.

[A]

We're fighting the good fight. We're.

[B]

Don't throw that on the ground, dude. You can't do that. Don't come for you around your shoulders like a prize fighter. This is for mat to wear, so I'll give that to him.

[A]

I'm going to wear. I'm going to wear it like a cap. Fly away that thing flag.

[B]

You got to treat it like it's the Iranian flag. I don't know what that means. It means that it kill you if you leave it on the ground. Oh, okay. Got to fold it properly. Yeah, I'll give it. Oh, no, Sorry. I'm panicking. I am fully panicking.

[A]

You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. It's gonna end up in a dumpster next to a Kill Tony Yarmulke later, so.

[B]

It's all good, dude. I spent $20 on that.

[A]

Uh. Oh.

[B]

I really thought you'd like it, Tony.

[A]

No, it's great. It's great. I really do. I'm just making jokes, Jack, Unlike you during your set tonight. Oh, his new get er done is. That didn't go how I expected it to.

[B]

Have you ever thought about doing props?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Right now I think you should. I was talking to Carrot Top about this because it's Kind of crazy that he's the only guy that does props now.

[A]

Yeah, he.

[B]

When I first started out, there was a lot of prop comics. It was a common thing. But Carrot Top got so big that the upcoming people thought they would be stealing if they started doing props. But I think it's a legitimate idea for you. This was, like, way funnier than the other stuff. Did you hear, like, very clever. You're very clever. You didn't like the Rocket Money joke? It was okay. Rocket Money.

[A]

Turns out I have two Rocket Money subscriptions. That's good. Yeah, it's good.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

You didn't get anything for D Madness.

[B]

And that's the final gift of the night. D Madness. I heard you lost your eyes in.

[A]

That tragic accident, so. Jesus Christ. No, I actually got you. Not at all what happened? But I got you some. I got you some brand new eyes.

[B]

Oh. Oh. They really broke. They really broke.

[A]

They already broke, everybody. Okay.

[B]

I thought that was gonna go better, too. Okay, so that was this kill.

[A]

Tony said, you did good, Jack. Thank you for all the gifts. D Madness. Those are googly eyes if you're wondering what's going on. It's good. Keep that trans flag away from D Madness, or else he's gonna light on fire famous homophobe D Madness. Okay, that's your first comedian of the night. But now we go to the bucket, where it. Believe it or not, it's usually more insane. So we're gonna see what happens here. Your first bucket bowl tonight makes some noise for Kojak, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then an interview.

[B]

Hey, people keep asking me why I did Jake Paul dirty in the sixth round. I was like, come on, bro, I'm not even British. Stop playing. I do like boxing, though. Rest in peace. To George Foreman, Boxing legend died a couple months ago. You guys know George Foreman, Notably known for naming all his kids George Foreman, Even. Even the girls. But also the George Foreman Grill. I'm sure you all had a George Foreman Grill, right? I just moved into my new apartment. I got a George Foreman Grill, but I'm a little cheap, so I got a knockoff version. I got the George Floydman Grill. It's sort of like the George Foreman Grill, but you gotta press down extra hard to get the grill marks. Call me Kojak. Kaepernick out this bitch. I'm just. I expected to grow marks to say beat blt, but it ends up saying blm. And I'm just like, what the fuck? That's what I give. I use a counterfeit. 20 to pay for it. So I guess that's what I get. All right. Thank you. That's my time.

[A]

Thank you, Kojak. Ladies and gentlemen, George Floyd. Mongrel. Look at that. Welcome, Kojak. How long you been doing stand up?

[B]

Four years once we open. As soon as you open this. About three years. As soon as the mothership opened, I started.

[A]

Nice. What made you want to start then?

[B]

I've been watching kill Tony since 2015.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

I saw you at the.

[A]

How old are you? You look like you could be 20 or 65.

[B]

I'm 46.

[A]

Really? Wow, look at that. Yeah, I believe it. You're doing good. How do you stay so young? Young looking?

[B]

I stay in the gym. I stay in the sauna.

[A]

You stay there?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have 24 Hour Fitness membership?

[B]

Yeah, I'm fit, man. I do some things, man. I lift.

[A]

You know, you just looked at Joe Rogan and said, I love.

[B]

I lift. That was uncomfortable. I lift weights.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Shape. I run.

[A]

All right. What do you do for a living?

[B]

I am the number one waiter in Austin, Texas, at a fine dining establishment.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I took care of Shane, like, what? Yeah, last year. Yeah. I was with Egan McCann and Sam Talent. Yeah.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Right after. Yeah. How was I? I don't care about. What was the name of the restaurant? Do you. Do you want to say? I don't remember. It was good, though. You were great. I didn't know. You're so racist, but that's a bigger tip. No, but that was crazy to do that in front of all these whites. Even I didn't like that. We gotta be careful out there, man. A lot of George Floyd types out there. I saw three on my way in.

[A]

What does that mean, bro?

[B]

Where are you from?

[C]

Philly.

[B]

Yo, go birds. Let's go. 22nd in diamond. Stop playing. Oh, wow. All right. Well, the hood. Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I take back every joke I made about you. How was I? I waited on you. Was I great? You were great. You were wonderful. Thank you, Mike. I remember it. Yeah.

[A]

You don't want to say the restaurant because you think you'll get in trouble for a George Floyd joke? Is that what I'm picking up?

[B]

Yeah, definitely.

[A]

Okay. Perfect.

[B]

People don't go to my restaurant.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I don't say it now. Definitely don't say it. They're gonna fire you, bro.

[A]

For those of you listening, for those of you maybe not watching and just listening to the podcast, the Kojak is black, everybody. I know he's extremely racist towards the blacks, but I promise you, he is Black. This is incredible.

[B]

I just have a problem with George Floyd.

[A]

Why? What's your problem?

[B]

Try to make. They said he was my hero. I had George Floyd and P. Diddy to look up to as heroes.

[A]

That's some.

[B]

Yeah, man. I mean, do you say what you got to say? Yeah.

[A]

And I think.

[B]

And I think all the educated blacks would agree.

[A]

Oh, again, he's black.

[B]

Where's Candace Owens when you need her?

[A]

Wow, Kojak, when you say you're the number one waiter in all of Austin, what do you mean by that?

[B]

That means I was rated number one in all of Austin by anyone that comes in and I take care of.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

What do you think? You like steak?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You like bone in filet?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like bone in at my butt.

[B]

Just beat me to the punch on that.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I was gonna say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He likes hot dogs. Is he got any hot dogs at that stickhouse? This guy will. Yes.

[A]

I'll have six hot dogs.

[B]

Fat and juicy. We got a nice petite filet for you. Oh, my God.

[A]

All right, brother Kojak, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up or waiting tables?

[B]

I do a lot of cooking at home. I have a. I am always at heb shopping, so I have a lot of htb. My boyfriend is Puerto Rican, so we make a lot of Puerto Rican. Whoa, look at that.

[A]

A racist gay black. If you have that on your bingo card. Again, if you were on prize picks. If you were on prize picks and you bet only $2 that the first bucket pool would be a gay black racist against black comedian with only a $2 bet. You just won $3.5 billion. This is why you need to go to prize fix. Use the promo code, Tony, and place your bets. A $2 bet would have gotten you $3.5 billion. Gay black racist against blacks. Do you want to be my new best friend? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Do you like hot dogs? We'll put those on your George Foreman grill. We'll have a hell of a night. Tell us about this Puerto Rican boyfriend. What does he do for work?

[B]

He. He works at heb.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I get that discount.

[A]

Oh, my God. What's he working? The. The bakery?

[B]

He's in the meat aisle. Tony.

[A]

What part of heb does he work at?

[B]

He's a bagger.

[A]

Oh, a bagger.

[B]

Look at that. That's the only time he bags, right? Raw dog. That's right. I'm 20 years a senior, so I Bagged him, you know.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

H. Oh, racist K. Pedophile. Racist, gay, black pedophile. Do that whole flag. That was just out here crazy.

[A]

Oh, my God. Wow.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

How long you been with this bag boy?

[B]

Five and a half years.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

His in laws are. Well, my in laws are moving here. It's got his mom and his grandmom to come move.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

And it's a little bit of an age gap, but me and his mom are the same age, so that was. That was a hill to get over.

[A]

With a young. You're. You've been with a young. How old?

[B]

You're 47, 46. That's even worse.

[A]

Is he 15 years old? Like, why is he a bagger? There you go.

[B]

Hey, shut up.

[A]

How old is he, Kojak?

[B]

Mean, he just turned 25.

[A]

Wow. Look at you.

[B]

Oh, y' all care about gay now? Get the out of here. Like, y' all care about gay all of a sudden. Out of here. Oh, I love it.

[A]

HB now, HIV later. How excited? How excited? Exciting. Let's go. Well, Kojak, fun times. You know, I like the George Floydman joke. Getting a big joke book, buddy. There you go. We're going to keep it moving along.

[B]

Hey, can you come? Will you come and I'll serve you? Come to my restaurant.

[A]

I don't know what fucking or you didn't want to say the name of the restaurant.

[B]

She don't tell you. Okay. The lowercase Grill.

[A]

Lowercase Grill.

[B]

Hey, let's go, dude. I don't know what you guys do. Oh, he knows.

[A]

Shane is up.

[B]

Thank you. You guys are great.

[A]

There he goes. All right, Kojak, everybody. There he goes. Right out the back door, just like he likes it. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Look at her. She's gonna be working hard tonight on these bud lights live in the flesh. Heidyregina.com she's got a podcast a bunch of going on. Hey, what's up, everybody? This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. Whether you're starting a new routine or making player picks for the first time, trying something new can be hard. But in life and on Prize Picks, it always feels good to be right. With high pressure playoff matchups every weekend and elite hoops action almost every night, the action never stops. And prize Picks lets you take control. Tony. I love Prize Picks. It was so simple to get started on the app. I even won my first pick. It really makes my sports watching experience with my friends even better. That is incredible. Red band. The app has a new feature too. Bryce Picks now has early payouts if your player gets off to a hot start. You now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. So get in on the action. Prize Picks is now available in all 50 states, including California, Texas, Florida and Georgia. Plus, prize picks puts their users first, so all withdrawals are fast and secure. Prize Picks accepts most major payment methods, making deposits into your account quick and easy this sports season. So download the Prize Picks app today and use Code Tony to get 50 in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your 1st five dollar lineup. Prize picks it's good to be right. Well, how to do this podcast is Sponsored by Shopify. 2026 is the year you launch your business. One powerful move puts your future firmly in your hands. Starting a business with Shopify. Maybe you've got an idea you can't shake a craft. Everyone tells you to sell a store you've already designed in your head. With Shopify 2026 is when you finally make it happen. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person. Millions of entrepreneurs have already made this leap from Mattel to Gymshark to first time business owners just getting started. I love Shopify. It's the best business tool out there.

[B]

Shopify gives you all the tools to.

[A]

Easily build your dream store. Plus signup is fast with Shopify's built in AI tools that write product descriptions and headlines and help you edit product photos. Marketing is built in too. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. As you grow, Shopify grows with you. Handle more orders, expand a new markets and do it all from the same dashboard in 2026. Waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony that's shopify.com kill Tony hear your first this new year with Shopify by your side. On Back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Nick Tormi everybody. Here we go.

[B]

Hey everybody. So a little bit about me. I'm not really great at following through on things like I dropped out of community college twice. I tried hanging myself, wound up with a choking fetish. The rope broke from the ceiling. But I shot a few more right back up there. You never know when you're gonna find a new hobby like you Think anyone ever found out they're good at parkour by attempting suicide? They jump from the building, then the moment before impact, they tuck and roll. Some French guys show up. Hosmani starts playing. I think it's much more likely someone's attempted. Attempted parkour and found out they're good at suicide.

[A]

All right, there he is. Nick Tormey. This is your first time on the show, Nick?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand up?

[B]

About six years.

[A]

Nice. Where at?

[B]

Mostly Salt Lake.

[A]

Okay. That's where you live still?

[B]

No, I moved down here in August.

[A]

Okay. How do you like Austin?

[B]

I love it. It's awesome.

[A]

What do you love about it?

[B]

I like that there's no winter.

[A]

I'm a big fan of that winter.

[B]

Yeah. I'm from upstate New York, then I lived on top of a mountain in Utah in a van for four years. So, yeah. Fucking drive down, talking about. Took me four years to realize that I'm not a smart man.

[A]

I love it. What do you do for work?

[B]

I did work at the ski resort for a while that doesn't exist down here. Yeah, I'm working for Amazon right now. I'm working for the devil. It's pretty fun.

[A]

You're driving.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. What's that like? Tell us.

[B]

Oh, awful.

[A]

Yeah, tell us down for us. What do you hate about it? They have you on a camera at all times.

[B]

It's like an AI camera that's tracking.

[A]

You the whole time.

[B]

And I also threw out my back yesterday, so I was walking around like Quasimodo for most of my deliveries.

[A]

Wow. The last comic blew out his back, too. Yeah. So, Nick, tell us more. What are you into, buddy? You have any special skills or talents that might surprise us? You seem like you have a little something up your sleeve.

[B]

Me and.

[A]

I have. I'm engaged.

[B]

Me and my fiance collect taxidermy.

[A]

Oh, wow. Where'd you meet this bag boy at?

[B]

I met her at an open mic.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

I met her at an open mic.

[A]

Oh, nice. She does comedy, too? Yep. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Did she sign up tonight?

[B]

She did.

[A]

She's over. She's. She's at the bar next door.

[B]

Yes, she is.

[A]

Colt, do you know who that is? Holly. What is it?

[B]

Holly.

[A]

Holly what?

[B]

Jensen.

[A]

Holly Jensen. Go grab Holly Jensen. Let's see who the funniest person in this couple is. Always spontaneous fun. Here.

[B]

Have a holly Christmas. Come on, folks. How did you get into collective taxidermy? She got me into. I got her a taxidermied frog. It's like a cane Toad, like the invasive species in Australia. It's like a purse. She has it with her. Tell Holly to bring the frog. Let's see the frog. That's so crazy. My wife would stab me. No, she loved it. And we got. We got some bats, got some mice in a teacup. Was she doing van life with you, or did you meet her here?

[A]

She.

[B]

No, she lived in the van for a year.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Did you ever get close to the old patino? I do like national parks. Big fan of the park system. Like, a fight in a van would suck. Oh, it's awful. Yeah. There's not much room. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I think I saw a documentary on Netflix about this one.

[B]

That was my joke, you dumbasses.

[A]

Oh, you did.

[B]

I said her name.

[A]

Oh, I missed.

[B]

Say her name.

[A]

I love it. So you got bats, you got rats. What else?

[B]

We got a taxidermied fox. We just got. We got a praying mantis, and she found a big dragonfly in the woods that we're keeping in the freezer right now. They say there's someone for everyone.

[A]

Today.

[B]

You see proof?

[A]

So you guys have a place? It's here in Austin? Yeah. What does she do for work?

[B]

Nothing right now.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

For something.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Do you get, like, used taxidermy? Like, people that have died that have, like, sold it, like, so it's, like, creepier. Oh, God.

[B]

She would probably love that for sure, but no. We went to a store. They had human skulls, too. It was weird.

[A]

And spines, Ladies and gentlemen. Well, I guess they just sent her out. Okay. That's one way to do it.

[B]

Can I see that frog?

[A]

Yeah. Wow.

[B]

He's got a little butthole.

[A]

Is that real?

[B]

Yeah, it looks fake. 100 real.

[A]

How do you know it's real? Joe Rogan. He's an invasive species in Australia. He's a cane toad.

[B]

His name's Winston.

[C]

He's our son.

[B]

Wow. Terrifying.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

It's legit.

[A]

That's incredible. I think it's a. I don't see a dick on it. I don't know if it might be your daughter Holly, you want to do the set that you were planning on doing here? That's how I would have done it. Instead of just sending her out randomly, I would have brought her up. Ladies and gentlemen, doing 60 seconds uninterrupted, make some noise for Holly Jensen, everybody. So I'm actually from Salt Lake City, Utah. I just moved here, and the first thing everybody always asks is if I'm Mormon. I'm not. I'm Jewish. But I did have a lot of Mormon boyfriends growing up. The cool thing about Mormon boyfriends is they have some really weird rules. Like they won't drink coffee, but they will finger a Jew. I've been having a hard time getting a job out here in Austin. When I was in Salt Lake, I was a stripper. Thank you. So much.

[C]

More supportive than my parents.

[A]

I appreciate it. They hated the stuff that I would do at work. Like, I loved showing up with googly eyes as pasties. Turns out men don't like it when the tits stare back at them. Shit kept going wrong at the strip club. Like, one day our DJ didn't show up, so we had to dance to Pandora Radio with the commercials on. So I was just twerking on some old dude. Like, do you struggle with osteoporosis? Thank you. That's my time. Wow. Holly Jensen. Oh, my God. This is one of the rare comedy couples where the woman is funnier than the man. Again, if you bet this on prize picks, you just won $750,000.

[B]

He's taking her straight to a state park. Can't have that, dude. You cannot allow that. You have to kill her now. You have to kill her. Yeah, she's about to be taxidermy, her bro.

[A]

Yeah, she's about to be in the freezer next to the Dragonfly. Holly, you're hilarious. How long have you been doing standup? Eight years. Awesome. And that was all in upstate New York or Salt Lake City? Oh, Salt Lake City, Utah. And that's where you're from? Yeah. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Why don't you work? Oh, I mean, I've been trying.

[C]

I've been applying to jobs, but.

[A]

What are you good at? What do you want to do? I'm good at stripping. I love doing stuff. Really? I love doing both of those things. So, yeah, a job in either of those things would be great. You've done. You've. You've stripped before?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing. Heidi, what do you think? Can you get her a job? You just got a job at the Yellow Rose. Congratulations. Or at least an audition.

[B]

This is the worst night of this guy's life. What are you.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Why? Oh, my God. No. You're fired.

[A]

This poor guy is going to be all alone tomorrow night at 2:30am petting a dead bat.

[B]

We talked about. He tried to kill himself.

[A]

Holy. Well, you guys just did something real special here. Very entertaining. We got a small one for Nick. You guys want him to get a big one? All right, you guys are both getting big ones. There you go. There goes Nick Tormey and Holly Jensen, everybody. You know what, Holly? Next year, I would love to have you on the secret show.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Next year. All right.

[B]

Why'd you wear it like that? Because he's January.

[A]

Completely January. No, next Thursday's Christmas. Week after.

[B]

So January. Yeah.

[A]

So January.

[B]

Say january next It.

[A]

Yeah, just say the next secret show.

[B]

Yeah, next.

[A]

Hey, I'd love to have you next decade. Jesus Christ. You're unbelievable. Well, it's been a hell of an episode so far. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Floyd Jones, everybody. Here we go.

[B]

So are we just gonna act like Kanye wasn't a Nazi? That's just how we're. Okay, Perfect. I don't know if you guys heard. He actually changed his name. He's Kanye Auschwest. Yeah, Kanye. Which is crazy. Like, he said he was done making music, done making controversial statements. He's actually gonna open a chain of all natural grocery stores. It's gonna name a Trader Jews. I don't. I think it's problematic, to say the least, but I like the thought of restaurants just fucking up. Like, I think it'd be cool if Olive Garden gave abortions, you know, because then their tagline could be, when you're here, you were almost family. That's. Speaking of how I'm a piece of shit at restaurants. You guys thought I was Puerto Rican. I'm black. I promise I've got the paperwork. I'll get 23 and mead right now. Even though that just sounds like a cool movie about Michael Jordan, so. But white people just need to know. They're like, I just want to make sure. Like, God. And so I like to go to sushi restaurants because the waitress is never black. And when she comes over, I go, hi, could I get some salmon niggery? And she's like, you mean nigiri?

[A]

Wow. A lot of oohs and ahs during that set. Floyd Jones. Welcome, Floyd. Is this your first time on the show? Yo, talking to. Grabbing that microphone, buddy.

[B]

I don't know how that happened.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing comedy, Floyd?

[B]

Since, like, 2021. You know, January 6th. Right. Okay. Not great. Yeah. Shane knows. Oh, my God. Joe Rogan, dude. Hell yeah, you. Hey, man. Without you. Oh, man. Let's go, let's go.

[A]

These are your heroes.

[B]

Honestly, this, like, Pokemon. It's like you started toading you, and it shaded, like, ah, the Charizard himself, dude.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Let's go. Where was this? Where was this? Funny. Hey, dude, I wasn't ready for It. I'm sorry. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, people are having better interviews than sets tonight.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey.

[A]

Hey, it's Floyd. Tell us about you. What do you not do for a living?

[B]

Just care, I guess. Care?

[A]

What do you.

[B]

No, I play music, man.

[A]

You're a professional musician and a metal band. Really? You're a drummer?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I mean, it's been a long time since we've done this, but for those of you that are fans of the show, you might know that if anybody that does comedy on this show, drums, we have a little thing where they get a drum solo and our house drummer gets a drum solo. And if the guest drummer is able to beat our drummer in a. In a drum off, they become the full time drummer of the show. So like Highlanders, a drum off here and if you beat Michael Gonzalez in the drum solo off, you become the full time drummer on this show and Michael has to dress like a five year old and that's. We play in a metal band. This is a Mexican drum off, ladies and gentlemen. Now I must warn you, Floyd Jones, Michael Gonzalez all time is undefeated here on his home turf. But I'm guessing that Floyd, since he does this for a living, might have a little something. Well, we know he doesn't have anything up his sleeve because he's wearing a basketball jersey, but I'm guessing he is very talented. Let's see what happens here. This is Kill Tony. Brought to you by Netflix January 12th. 1, 2, 3, 4. It. There you go. That is indeed a drum solo. That is a good one. That is a good one. I really hope Michael puts it together here. I would hate to look at those flabby arms every week. An incredible amount of blatant Ozempic weight loss on this guy. Wow. Defending, defending his throne. Undefeated all time in Mexican drum offs on his home turf. This is Michael Gonzalez. Yep. Thank God almighty. Really tied it together there at the end. Woo. Let's see. Unfortunately, it's not up to us. It is up to the live audience here. Do we have a. We have a decibel meter? I can't remember. We have it going. All right, so here we go. Colt on the camera, on the decibel meter. How many of you have Floyd Jones winning this Mexican drum off? Make some noise. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Wow. Thank God. I may have affected this election. Wouldn't be the first time. But. Floyd, you gave it a hell of a run. It was very good. Good interview, good set. I guess you get to keep those drumsticks. There's a Big joke book. There he goes. Floyd Jones, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Floyd. Saying goodbye to Shane and Lord Charizard or whatever. He said, there's another Bud Light brought to you by Bud Light, ladies and gentlemen. This is a special time in the show's history because we have a brand new regular who has absolutely taken the show over by storm. This is a brand new set. They get to do a little bit longer than a minute if they want. And this is the dark storm of Atlanta, ladies and gentlemen. He is here. Make some noise for Dedrick Flyn. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. What you know about being the only black dude at a country music festival.

[A]

In Kennesaw, Georgia, called Shaky Boots Festival? Yeah. Nah, I only found that out. Cause when I walked into the venue, a dude ran up to me out of breath, and he was like, hey.

[B]

My nigga, you know you out of uniform, right?

[A]

And I was like, nah, I'm here for the festival. I love Blake Shelton. I love Kenny Chesney. And then he was like, nigga, stop lying. I got an extra vest in my car. And I was like, no, I'm here for the festival. And I showed him my id, and I showed him my badge, and he.

[B]

Looked at my id, and he looked at my badge, and he looked at me, and he looked at my. Tasha, you gonna wanna hear this?

[A]

So Tasha came over. I met Tasha. She did the same thing.

[B]

Jamal.

[A]

I met everybody. One by one, I made all 37.

[B]

Black people like, I'm a black Noah's ark.

[A]

They kept calling me the Day Walker. They said I was blade. And it was a great country music festival, man. Cause all the black people that was.

[B]

Working the event kept giving me free drinks.

[A]

But they also had re entry. They stopped doing it. They had re entry into the festival.

[B]

So we just go to the car.

[A]

And, like, parking lot pimp, drink beers. And the reason why we knew it.

[B]

Was time to go drink beers is.

[A]

Cause my best friend Jessie, who's a redneck Filipino but raised black. Cause she was my best friend.

[B]

Her older sister Jackie had just had.

[A]

A kid, and she would look us in the face and she would be like, I need to get out of here. My tit's about to pop. I gotta go pump. So we would go back to the car, and she's chugging beers.

[B]

We're all drinking beers, and she's pumping.

[A]

But she pumped more than, like, a reg. Like, a white woman could never pump as much milk as it take to make a redneck Filipino that's raised black. Like my nephew Maxwell today.

[B]

He's 10 years old.

[A]

He's taller than me.

[B]

So she's pumping a lot.

[A]

And I'm looking at her titty milk, and I wanted to taste some, but I ain't know how to ask. And then God got my back so much, he confused my friend Derek. My friend Derek saw me looking at the breast milk, and he was like.

[B]

Yo, I bet you $100 you won't drink Jackie's breast milk.

[A]

Nigga, I was already thinking about it.

[B]

She got a husband. I don't know how you ask somebody.

[A]

Like, are y' all a couple? How do you get if you had breast milk?

[B]

I gotta be like, hey, excuse me, brother.

[A]

This breast milk you ain't bringing to your kids? It got alcohol in it. Can I sip something before he poured it on the ground? But for a hundred dollars, I could at least buy one T shirt while I'm inside the goddamn place. So I was like, hell, yeah, let's run it. And so they brought the funnel out.

[B]

Cause it was too much titty milk to just sip.

[A]

It was too much to zip. You gotta bring the funnel out.

[B]

It was like two gallons of titty milk.

[A]

She was pumping, and I chugged it all in 8 seconds flat. I was doing a great job also.

[B]

I don't know if y' all love.

[A]

Titties as much as I do, but I research them. Breast milk tastes like whatever the mom is eating and drinking, so her titty milk just tasted like Tecate and tequila with a little bit. It tastes like a redneck Filipino horchata. You know what I'm saying? It tastes like a little redneck Filipino horchata.

[B]

But also, if y'. All. Y'.

[A]

All. Y' all study titties as much as I do, you would know that a.

[B]

Titty milk has all the vitamins.

[A]

I haven't had a hangover in 12 years, nigga.

[C]

Ah.

[B]

I'm doing good.

[A]

That's about time. I call y' all later. Deadrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Dedrick, it is so fun to watch you perform. Two weeks ago, you had regular teeth. You're getting better with the grill. But there is a slight speech impediment. Still there. One of my favorite. One of my favorite parts of the set is when you said, I wanted to taste them, but I didn't know how to ask. The grill is affecting those S's. It is.

[B]

It is. I'm not used to money, Tony.

[A]

It's amazing that you're willing to make the sacrifice. Out with the S's in with the gold teeth. Still Making it work, plowing through it. I love it. Camoed up tonight. Look at that. Oh, yeah, I got. I got that on.

[B]

Tony.

[A]

That say it, right? That on? Hell, yeah, got that on.

[B]

You know what I'm talking about.

[A]

No, you don't. Yo, you.

[B]

You just.

[A]

You still disguising that forehead. That is big as hell. Yeah, that swooped over, but it's still.

[B]

Goddamn plasma screen tv, bro. It's a good look. Don't let anyone talk to you. Take your hat off, Shane. You. Dude, don't. Look, David Lucas was good at it. We already have one. David, don't do that.

[A]

Hey, my pocket's fat enough.

[B]

But not me, you know what I mean? David Lucas.

[A]

David Lucas is also wearing a grill right now. It's a green egg. Okay? Is that right? Green egg.

[B]

It wasn't the reference that threw it off. Tendonism.

[A]

My delivery's a little bit floppy tonight.

[B]

I'll take him out.

[A]

No, it's not. I won't.

[B]

I won't talk to you.

[A]

It's good to see y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Y'. All.

[B]

Look, I'll get you more teeth if you kill David Lucas. What'd you guys think? I was serious, Dedrick.

[A]

Okie dokie. All right, Dedrick, how's life been going, man?

[B]

I'm doing good. I got damn touring like a motherfucker. We just left Lincoln, California, together.

[A]

Yeah, I took Dedrick on our first road gig together. That was fun. Yeah, that was fun as a motherfucker. I ain't never been on a private jet, nigga. I was. I was so used to getting pat down. They just walked down, it's like, would you like a coffee? And I was like, am I an interrogation?

[B]

I'm ready to snitch on you. I don't know what you did.

[A]

Yeah, it was a fun trip. We. Especially the ride back in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was so much damming. Yeah, it was a blast. It was actually a very good red band. Yes, we.

[C]

We.

[A]

We banged. Red band.

[B]

I like. I like where he's going.

[A]

Of course you do.

[B]

You're the diddler. Yeah, no offense.

[A]

That's why. That's where his new lisp actually comes from.

[B]

Knocked his.

[A]

All right. All right. Sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dedrick, Dedrick, Dedrick. You guys have seen Dedrick? The Dark Storm of Atlanta. What are our thoughts? Joe Rogan, other than his jacket and his hat, what do you like about him?

[B]

Oh, he's got a completely new style. It's like your own thing. It's great. I love it.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

I've Seen you perform a bunch of times. Talented is fun. Fun. Get rid of the grill, though. It's ridiculous. You can't even talk. You know, you got money. Either get real gold teeth or stop fucking around.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Those aren't even, like, fake tits. They're like the rubber ones you stuff in your bra. Just get a goddamn operation and commit to a look, okay? If you.

[A]

Get. That's so crazy.

[B]

Those are real. Oh, there you go. That's what I like.

[A]

Hey, Joe.

[B]

Like commitment. You can affect how much I get paid every week. You got give me the real gold teeth, I go get them. I don't give a. I got this to prove to my neighborhood I was doing good. But, nigga, if you Joe Rogan. You know Joe Rogan? You know Joe Rogan? Name one thing about me.

[A]

All right, all right.

[B]

So you had the power to change my whole life, Joe Rogan.

[A]

You could put those on like a rope and just wear them around your neck, and everybody would know you have money, and they would be able to hear you pronounce your S's correctly. Yeah. I'm gonna tell you right now, Tony, I'm from the South. We ain't pronounced no S or T's the whole time I've been talking.

[B]

But sometimes they don't understand me on the Internet, so I could talk how I want to.

[A]

I agree. I agree. Like a slut. Freedom of. Freedom of speech. Dedrick, you've done it again. We love you. Freak of nature. The dark storm of Atlanta has graced us with his presence. On and on we go. Back to the bucket. This person has to follow. Dedrick, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for what appears to be a new name. Tyler Cole, everybody. Here comes Tyler Cole.

[B]

Do y' all think Indians do that head bob thing when they're sucking dick? Oh, my God, this is so big. Did y' all hear? Joe Biden woke up today? Yeah. So six more weeks of recession. That's what that means. So I went on a first date the other day, told the girl I was a comic, and she said, no way. I'd love to see you perform sometime. And I said, well, we should probably have sex first, so you can appreciate just how long five minutes really is. It's a long time, I swear. Do we have any fans of Jersey Shore in here? Yeah. Someone told me the other day I look like a cast member on the upcoming spinoff Gaza Shore. It's just five Jews and five Palestinians arguing for an hour. This bedroom was promised to me. Someone also told Me, I look like the situation in the Middle East. And then they said, it looks like my forehead could bench press £225. That was really rude. I've been Tyler Cole. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Tyler Cole making fun of himself throughout. Fun stuff. Tyler, welcome. Is this your first time on the show?

[B]

It is.

[A]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[B]

Four months now.

[A]

That chain's kind of tight, huh?

[B]

A little bit, yeah.

[A]

Are you. Are you. Are you a. A pitbull? What is going on? What exactly is happening over there? Is that the size that you want it to be?

[B]

I got the size wrong?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why would you wear it? Why would you ever wear it?

[A]

Did you just wrap Dedrick's grill around your neck?

[B]

It's like an auto erotic fixation thing. You know something?

[A]

Yeah, I guess.

[B]

You're trying to look cool, right? He got me. But once you put it on, weren't you like.

[A]

No.

[B]

I was like it. I spent 50 bucks.

[A]

How much?

[B]

Yeah. All right.

[A]

How much did you spend on that?

[B]

50 bucks. He was right.

[A]

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis.

[B]

No. You don't think I've run into a tight chain? Take that thing off, dude. Where'd you get it?

[A]

Like Hot Topic or something? Well, what is it?

[B]

I did indeed get it at Hot Topic. Yes.

[A]

Did you really?

[B]

No, I forget. I don't know.

[A]

You forget where you got the chain that squeezes your neck all day?

[B]

It's because it's so tight. I forgot. Did you get it when you're in fifth grade? Just grew into it. Like one of those African ladies neck thing.

[A]

What part of New Jersey are you from exactly?

[B]

Tyler, his head's gonna fall off of me. Takes it off. I'm from Austin.

[A]

Tony, born and raised in Austin.

[B]

Born and raised.

[A]

Wow. With the pinky ring and a choker?

[B]

Yep. Leaning into it.

[A]

Amazing. What ethnicity are you?

[B]

White.

[A]

Just regular white?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not Italian.

[B]

Just a buttered noodle.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Not Italian? No, not at all. This is nuts.

[A]

You're not Italian. Pinky ring and a necklace. Shirt. How does this happen? Explain to us how this happened. What exactly? How did you end up trying to be Italian?

[B]

It's the chain. It's the chain. He bought the chain and it took over.

[A]

He's a wago.

[B]

It's cursed.

[A]

He's a wago instead of a dago. He's a wo.

[B]

You are a way.

[A]

He's a white dago. He's a wo.

[B]

Just a big Sopranos fan.

[A]

Well, so am I. You don't see me not getting blood to my Brain. Because of it. Tyler, what do you do for work?

[B]

I sell houses.

[A]

Do you really? I do.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Timeshares.

[B]

No, houses.

[A]

Regular houses.

[B]

Regular.

[A]

Are you good at it?

[B]

Pretty good, yeah. You see the fucking drip? Yeah. I say he's doing all right.

[A]

When's the last time you Exactly. That you sold a house? When you closed on a house. When was it?

[B]

It was in October. But I have a closing coming up tomorrow.

[A]

Okay. What are you closing on tomorrow?

[B]

Just a 2,000 square foot house in South Austin.

[A]

Okay. What'd you sell it for? How much?

[B]

380,000.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. You?

[A]

Hell, yeah, dude might be able to add a few links to that necklace.

[B]

Holler at your boy. I love it.

[A]

Okay. What are you doing? How long have you been doing stand up?

[B]

Four months.

[A]

Four months. What made you want to start four months ago?

[B]

Kill Tony.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

31.

[A]

31. And you've just been watching the show and you're like, I could do that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Just been hitting open mics and getting booked by local promoters, and I love it.

[A]

You're taking it seriously and you seem to be doing good at it. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up and selling houses and pretending to be Italian?

[B]

I like to shoot clays. And when it's warm out? Wakeboarding, paddleboarding?

[A]

Yeah. When you shoot clays, do you get the gun out of the bathroom first?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Godfather reference.

[B]

Godfather jokes.

[A]

I love it. You shoot clays. What else did you say?

[B]

Lake sports.

[A]

Lake sports. Like what. What exactly?

[B]

Wakeboarding. Wake surfing.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Tyler, what's your love life like? You have a. You have a little chicken parmesan at home.

[B]

Single. Currently single.

[A]

When's the last time you had a girlfriend?

[B]

A few years ago.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's been a while. My fungal. Why are you fake Italian? Who the wants to be Italian?

[A]

Hey. What the. Hey, take it easy.

[B]

You do wops? Dude, you. You're in a guinea sandwich right now.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[B]

This is a crazy race to appropriate. What the. If I just started acting like Polish. What? I don't know. I like being Polish. What the.

[A]

Who Compares the Italians?

[B]

Season two of the Wire. Now I'm a Pollock. Like, what the. You're not Polish. No, I do look pretty Polish.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pretty glaringly Irish, but whatever. Yeah, you don't see me wearing shirts about it.

[A]

So this relationship that ended a few years ago, how did it end?

[B]

Found out she was married.

[A]

Wow. Okay. I love this. My God, am I good at these little interviews. How did you find out exactly how did you find out that she was. How long were you hooking up with her? Give us a ballpark here.

[B]

It was like nine months in that she told me.

[A]

She was nine months in and she just told you?

[B]

Yeah, when we first started dating, she.

[A]

Said that you weren't dating, you were fucking and hanging out? Sometimes. She was married. Go ahead.

[B]

When we first started fucking, she said she was divorced. And then nine months later she was like, oops, actually, I'm not divorced.

[A]

Okay, where were you exactly when she told you this? Were you at a Best Buy, perhaps?

[B]

No, we were bartending together at a Club on 6th street and she told me while I was at work.

[A]

Wow. Amazing. And that was that? Yep.

[B]

She must have been fun. Yeah.

[A]

Can you give us an example of the favorite?

[B]

Crazy bitch doesn't tell you she's married for nine months working alongside you and you and let's go to dinner maniac. I bet she was so much fun.

[A]

Can you give us an example of a fun sexual experience that you had with her? You guys ever bang at the bar or in the car? Outside?

[B]

We did in fact, bang at the bar, yeah.

[A]

You banged at the bar?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Diggy, diggy, diggy said the boogie set up. Chop the boogie Banged at the bar to bang the. Take us us through this. How do you bang at the bar?

[B]

Just various locations, you know. This is you guys closing? Yeah, we had already closed like an hour ago.

[A]

Yeah. And she grabbed you by your chain and said, come over here?

[B]

Basically, yeah.

[A]

That'S what it sounded like. It's. That's Tom Cigar after breaking his arm.

[B]

He was on my podcast today.

[A]

So let me ask you this.

[B]

That rules, sir.

[A]

Cause you're at the bar, right? You're serving beverages, but you're with a married woman. So where are you finishing? You have to. Is it inside or are you pulling out?

[B]

That's a really good question.

[A]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. There's. Every answer is bad. Let's go.

[B]

Here we go. She was on birth control, so. Oh, wow.

[A]

Oh, my.

[B]

Oh, cream pie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Special delivery, daddy.

[A]

It's a fake cannoli. It's not actually a cream pie. It's a vegan cannoli.

[B]

Some poor guy. Poor guy eating her out later. I'm sorry. For the bar. He goes. How is your name? Salty. Yeah. Italian.

[A]

Yeah. Tastes like. Why did you taste like dairy free Alfredo? Wow. My God.

[B]

Mountain house meal.

[A]

Absolutely incredible.

[B]

That's an evil world. Evil world. Wife's been pied by a whopping bar.

[A]

About you did the husband ever find out? This is the billion dollar question.

[B]

I mean, they were separated, so they didn't live together. They weren't. Remind how the.

[A]

Do you know?

[B]

I went to her house a few times. Whoa. Together?

[A]

Did they have kids? Kids?

[B]

No. No kids.

[A]

No kids. Yeah, but they got back together. She told you, and she. You haven't banged since?

[B]

They did not get back together.

[A]

They didn't get back together, but she's still married. Okay, well, that's interesting. Yeah, that's a whole different kind of a happy ending. So then why would you. Why? I don't really get it. She tells you that she's fun.

[B]

Tony, can't you just let a girl have fun? Yeah, Tony, you want to stomp out all the crazy people in this world that make everything boring?

[A]

No, I just don't understand.

[B]

Let her. The guy at work. She yelled at you to come inside.

[A]

I have no more questions, your honor.

[B]

Did she yell? Tell us.

[A]

Do it.

[B]

Tell me. There's no point in here. I need to hear like this. Come on, Paison. Call you. What was her nickname for you? There was no nickname. Yeah, there was. It was the.

[A]

Out of here.

[B]

Get the out of here. This guy.

[A]

What was the name of the bar that you guys were banging?

[B]

Oh, don't do it, though. Don't ruin everyone's life. Yeah, rather not.

[A]

Tyler. The set was for four months. Pretty. Pretty good. The interview. Unfucking believable. Here's a big joke book. There you go. My friend Tyler Cole. A hell of a catch. Hell of an interview. Very honest. Remember you, future kill Tony Bucket pulls. We love an honest interview. Some people get scared. All right, this looks like a new name. This looks like a fun name. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Diamond Debbie, everybody. Here comes Diamond Debbie. Oh, my God. Let's fucking go, Guys. You gotta do better than that. Make some noise for Diamond Debbie, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

Howdy, old blue haired ladies. We know things by this age. I know when I had too much to drink. I like you, Youngins. His diapers leaked, y'.

[A]

All.

[C]

I was a single mom with an only child. And I highly don't recommend that to any youngins either. If only I'd had a litter, surely one of them would have failed at life and wanted to stay home and take care of me. Hey, and what's all this about the T word? We had that T word back in the 60s, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

Tomboy. Most of us grew out of it. The rest became Yalls gym teachers. Well, I was looking for love in all the wrong places during the pandemic. I mean the nursing homes. But you know, the competition's pretty stiff there. Women outlive men and there's a lot of Debbie's in there, I'm telling you. But by now, even the guys with dementia after four or five times, they got it figured out. I'm not Debbie with the pop out plate. Nah, not me. They can see me coming. They just call me Old Bluechew. Well, that's it. When life beats you up and you gotta start over like a always having to do I just say, jesus, take my joystick, I'm coming home. Thank you.

[A]

Wow. Diamond Debbie. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Oh my goodness. This is your first time on the show. I would remember you well, you know.

[C]

You'Ve walked by me a few times in my chair, but you know, I'm, you know, crotch level okay. Yeah, yeah. So I get overlooked a lot. This is my 111th sign up.

[A]

No way.

[C]

I have been, I, I have been first in line at least 90% of those times. And Tony, you've got to do some exercise. Your wrist never goes to the bottom of the bucket.

[A]

You'd be surprised. Be surprised. Diamond Debbie, how many centuries have you been doing stand up comedy?

[B]

Yeah, diamond, how come you didn't let Jack on that door? That was Titanic joke. No big deal. Rocking money.

[A]

She's. She's either the girl from Titanic or the rock that she threw in the bottom of the ocean. I can't tell. Exactly. And the heavyweight oh D madness is making his move right now, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

You know, D and I had a, an agreement. See kids, I grew up playing bass guitar, but I didn't have one at home to practice on. So he plays by ear and I only sight read, so it wouldn't be fair.

[A]

Yeah, Diamond Debbie. But seriously, how long you been on stand up? 111 signups, but okay, I started in.

[C]

Seven years ago and right the same month that I started it, I got run over. I got my wheelchair is crash test approved by the DOT. A Tesla and me. It was going 45 miles an hour.

[B]

Yeah, hit by a fucking.

[C]

If Elon Musk had been driving, I would be okay. But the dentist was driving. I never heard of a Tesla hitting a trash can.

[A]

Hold on a second. You were in your wheelchair and you got hit by a Tesla going 45.

[C]

Miles an hour crossing the street in my neighborhood. And that Tesla got messed up, honey. My tear was laying on the ground and I was standing up. At the end of the day, what.

[B]

The fuck we doing? Out in the road.

[C]

Well, you know, that's something I want to talk about. Yeah. You know, it's odd, but we do have the right to go outside.

[A]

Wow. Diamond Debbie. This is incredible. She's only 25 years old. That's why she looks like.

[C]

Yeah, no, honey, I got socks older than you.

[A]

Damn right. And red band's like 55, so that's crazy. How old are you, Diamond Debbie?

[C]

I'm 67 years old and on 111, and this is my 111th sign up. I'll be 68.

[A]

Wow, look at that. 111. You're 68. 112. The new Netflix special Kill Tony. Once Upon a Time in Texas. Streaming live on Netflix. Give something to do the day after your birthday. How exciting is that?

[C]

Sounds good.

[A]

If you make it there.

[C]

Well, well, I think my daughter's phone number is in your phone, so.

[A]

Uhoh.

[C]

But she hasn't talked to me in nine years.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, her name, Little Debbie.

[A]

Yeah, Very exciting. Can we get a phone locker? Very exciting. Diamond Debbie.

[B]

You couldn't even hear that Tesla coming, huh? That must. It just came out of nowhere. Or did you see it and you're like, oh, she.

[C]

She's a burlesque performer and she's very, very famous.

[A]

Oh, your daughter is a famous.

[B]

Won't let it go, Tony.

[A]

This is serious. Really? Trying to hook me up with her daughter. No, no, no cubic zirconium, Debbie.

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay, Debbie, let's talk about it. What the fuck have you been doing the last 67 years?

[C]

Well, my favorite thing is, see, I grew up in a day when women couldn't get car loans or buy houses, so I wasn't allowed to take auto mechanics or shop. So my favorite hobby right now is taking in the quantum wheelchair like I have and fixing them up and giving them to people and helping them learn how to drive and go outside because, you know, we've been locked up too long in the pandemic. And without home health care, you can go get your own groceries. It's fun.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. Okay, wait.

[C]

I get around. I go six and a half miles an hour in the E Box.

[B]

Wait, you got hit on the road? Were you flying? Yeah, like going somewhere. Were you on, like, moped?

[C]

Well, you don't cross. You don't cross the street slowly in Austin.

[B]

Oh, you were crossing the street? Yeah. Well, I'm sorry, I thought the way you were talking, you were, like, going to, like, the grocery store. Just fucking flying ribbon. I'm sorry, I thought you were juicing those things up.

[C]

No, they do fly like the water boys track.

[B]

Sorry. You guys don't like it? So good.

[A]

Diamond Debbie, what made you want to start stand up comedy?

[C]

Well, it's funny. I was doing Toastmasters and I like to give hour long speeches. And the guy that.

[A]

Hold on, hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. What's Toastmasters?

[C]

It's an organization to help you learn how to give speeches professionally. Right.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And so I signed up with them because it was online and. But the friend told me that he could talk for an hour and all anybody remembers is a couple of jokes. So I thought, why don't I tell jokes instead? So that's what I did.

[A]

Wow, look at you. You're such a little charming lady. Where are you from? Oklahoma.

[C]

Home is my home.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I grew up in Oklahoma. Yeah.

[A]

All right. And you drove your wheelchair all the way here?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Bro, you're going to hell because of this.

[C]

Actually.

[A]

You think, dude, if I go.

[B]

Up to the gates because of this.

[A]

If I go up to the gates and they're just like. You remember this lady? It's Diamond Debbie. I'm gonna be pissed. All this.

[B]

That's the straw.

[A]

Where'd you get your name, Diamond Dewey? Were you, like, a stripper at the Black and White Rose or something? Or. No.

[C]

No.

[A]

Great question. Red band.

[C]

That was a solid joke.

[B]

That's a solid joke. Black and White rose. That's a solid joke.

[A]

Oh, I get it. I get it now. I'm so used to his jokes not.

[B]

Making you nine like this. That's a gem.

[A]

Arrived. What? How did you get the name Diamond Debbie? Well, a diamond lasts forever and you clearly won't.

[C]

I've died.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

We all die. What's going on? We all die. She's got a sense of humor. The bitch has signed up 111 times. If anybody can take a joke, it's her, not you.

[C]

So I started writing my second book, which is Debbie Does Austin by Wheelchair. And the star of it was Debbie Diamond. So I'm Diamond Debbie.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wait, so you wrote a book about.

[C]

I'm writing a book called Debbie Does Austin by Wheelchair.

[B]

When's the Tesla chapter? Pardon?

[C]

The Triple X chapter.

[B]

It's the next chapter.

[C]

Well, I'm waiting for my happy ending. I haven't had a date.

[B]

Change it to Debbie doesn't do Austin.

[C]

I haven't had a date since I had my last pelvic floor.

[A]

Hold on, hold on. Timeout. Time out. Again. You haven't had a date since when.

[C]

I had my pelvic floor Vault Pelvic floor.

[B]

Vault. Vault.

[A]

What does that mean?

[C]

Bladder comes out and they put it back in.

[A]

Okay, don't laugh like that, Diamond. Don't look at me and laugh like that. It makes me laugh. I can't conduct my interview with you laughing like that. You're the cutest gremlin I've ever seen in my life.

[B]

So, ready to come out?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

So I haven't had a date since then. Yeah, I haven't had a date since I moved to Austin 11 years ago. I tried to date this one guy, but he thought he was above me because he's in a role later.

[A]

He's in a what?

[C]

A rollator. That's a walker with wheels on it.

[A]

Oh, okay. Have you kissed a boy since moving to Austin?

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, well, well. You know what that means, everybody? We have another famous thing on the show. No, it's not D. Mad. No, not D. Don't do it. D. Is there a guy out there that wants to be a legend and give Diamond Debbie her first. First piss? This guy right here. Come on, look at this.

[B]

Look at that stud. Look at him.

[A]

Watch out. Watch out for the camera right next to it. No, no, sit back down, you creep.

[B]

That's our guy.

[A]

No, he's coming right here. Look at this guy. Oh, she's pissed. Oh, his girlfriend is not happy about this. Oh. Which makes it all that much better. Diamond Debbie is about to get her first Austin kiss. Here you go, Diamond Debbie. Wait, she can stand. It's a miracle. Wait. Oh, my. Oh, my God. This is Kill Pony.

[B]

It's all right.

[A]

Crying.

[B]

No, it is. Oh, that was funny. That was actually touching. That was very nice.

[A]

It was. Diamond Debbie, how do you feel after your first Austin kiss?

[C]

I'm breathless.

[A]

I love it. I love it. And that was before the kiss. That's incredible.

[C]

Well, you know what?

[A]

That's just from emphysema.

[C]

There's no guys my age awake this late at night. You know, with the big heart beat.

[A]

Well, you might be surprised. Where's Joe White? Is Joe White out here?

[B]

She's three years younger than Ron White.

[C]

I know, but he's taken. He told me. And you know what I make? I make brownies. Happy brownies. And they're Cam Patterson special. But I've taken them up to every white guy, and not one of them will take candy from a stranger.

[A]

When you say the brownies are the Cam Patterson special, what exactly do you mean by that?

[C]

They're peanut butter, dark chocolate, fudge mint with walnuts.

[A]

Wow. Damn.

[B]

They're weed in them.

[C]

They have my medical prescription in them.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

When I started doing comedy on Monday nights, when I came down here two years ago, it's the same night as my food pantry, and I got down to 80 pounds.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And they thought I had an eating disorder, but, you know, it's just. Kill Tommy.

[A]

Diamond Debbie. I'm getting word that there's another boy that wants to kiss you. You want to kiss another boy, Debbie? All right, let's send out another one. I'm getting word that there's one more.

[B]

Time you're gonna make this poor lady stand up. Tony, there's one more.

[A]

Oh, my God. Look at this. You say Brownie three times, Dedrick pops him out of nowhere. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

[B]

I just got so hard. Was that a first?

[A]

Wow. That improved.

[B]

That was that first. First time with a black guy.

[C]

Not my first kid.

[A]

No, she matched. She was with George Washington Carver back after he discovered the peanut. That's why she can't walk so good. Yeah.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

She was a marathon runner before her first black.

[C]

I couldn't walk when I started, but it took so long to get up here, I learned to walk again. There's videos of me jogging now.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

I love it. I'm getting word that Dedrick just caught polio, everybody. Absolutely incredible. Diamond Debbie, you are an instant legend. I have somehow have run out of big joke books. Do we have more in the back? Great. They're gonna hand you one in the back. And Diamond Debbie, you know, let's just. Let's just have you sign up again sometime. But why don't we just, like, time it out so that you don't have to wait out there with all these?

[C]

The worst part was waiting in the alley when it got cold. So cold. A couple of weeks ago.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Nobody can hear me.

[B]

Try again.

[A]

I feel terrible.

[B]

Yeah, you should feel terrible. Dude. I told you. You're going to hell. Tony, let me in. I gotta start considering these people, dude. They really want to be a part of the show, and you treat them like garbage. How about to get some warmers out there or something? Some kind of heater. Oh, hey, Heidi.

[A]

I love it. Well, there's one with the Virgin Mary on it. You probably went to high school with her, so I'll give you that one.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Make some goddamn noise. How loud can this place get for Diamond Debbie? We have all different shapes and sizes of signups here tonight, and I fucking love it. 111 signups, and she finally Got on tonight. That's absolutely insane. Defies the odds of the bucket. But it goes to show the bucket's real, or else I would have pulled Diamond Debbie out along. I didn't even use cursive either. She has good handwriting. All right, you guys still having fun out there? Oh, my God. She forgot her cane. Everybody, kiss number three.

[B]

Coming up, Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. Did you kick answer?

[A]

All right, this next bucket poll is from the inside. Everybody make some noise for Kelly Quinn. Where the hell's Kelly Quinn at? Oh, they got her already. Great. I lost my job. My husband suggested volunteering, but I feel like I've given enough back to society. I married a redhead. I used to be a radio dj. And not to brag, but I got loads of handwritten fan mail, all from jail. Prisoners must not have access to high quality paper. The pages were always stuck together. I have passionate fans. There's one inmate who had a clearly expressed crush on me. My husband asked me why I was saving all his letters. Evidence. My husband's retired Air Force. The hardest job I ever had was being a military spouse. Just all day, every day, banging out your partner's ptsd. And does the military recognize us? No. And how could we after being banged that long and that hard? I'm Kelly Quinn, reminding you to be a patriot and service those who service our country.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Kelly Quinn, one of the more serious sets of the night. Kelly, welcome to the show. Kelly, this is your first time on, correct? I was on about a year and a half ago. Oh, okay. I don't remember you with the new hat. I didn't know they made hats. And uncircumcised penis.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I've been married 27 years. I've actually never seen an uncircumcised penis. So if this is what it is, it's pretty hot. That is. Literally. It's been voted. I'm getting word it is the worst hat of all time. Yeah, that's what the world is saying, right?

[B]

Paddington bomb. Come on, folks, wake up.

[A]

Instead of the bear. Bear.

[B]

Get it? Paddington Bear. Who has that hat? Where's Diamond Day?

[A]

Kelly, you were on a year and a half ago. How long you been doing stand up? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin. I am actually. I live in dfw. Dfw? Hell, yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? So I own a small business. So when I lost my job in radio, I just switched full throttle to that. And so the question remains, what do you do for Work. I own a website called christmas cockpit.com. i run it off of Shopify. Oh, we love Shopify. We absolutely love Shopify. In fact, you can go to Shopify and start your own business. Not a lot of people know this, but Mattel and Gymshark and a lot of other companies all started with Shopify. Ladies and gentlemen. And on Shopify, you can wear that.

[B]

Hat at the men's march. Remember the hats? The women's march. That would be the hat you would wear at the men's march. Stay with us, people. God damn, dude. This I'm spitting out gold.

[A]

It is incredible. You did it. And anyone can do it. Create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. Shopify grows with you. I love Shopify. That's right. Shopify.comKiltoni that's shopify.comKiltoni shopify.comKiltoni this year, Shopify will be by your side. Okay, Kelly Quinn, tell us the craziest thing about your life. I've lived in four countries. What were the four countries? Japan, America, England and Italy. Okay, which one do you like the most? America. Very good. That is the correct answer. How long were you in Italy for? 3 years. 3 years. And yet you don't have a pinky ring, a necklace or a gabagools T shirt. Absolutely incredible. Where in Italy did you live, Emilia Romano? In Ferrara. Oh, okay. Si, senorita. Very good. Kelly, you really have a red headed husband?

[C]

No.

[A]

You killed when I married him. He was redheaded. But as a Christian woman, I believed I could pray it away and I did. Just for men. What happened? No, his hair just got dark. He just turned into a brunette. What does he do for work? He's a pilot. Okay, all right. What exactly is christmascockpit.com? so I make stockings like out of Crown Royal bags. Okay, so they're purple stockings. Some of them are. I did make special Kill Tony versions that I brought for you and red band. Nice. That was like a month ago. Apparently they didn't make it to you. Oh, we do have those. Yeah, yeah, no, we have those. You guys kept them hanging by the chimney with Paris.

[B]

You guys kept them both? You kept them?

[A]

Yeah, totally.

[B]

Oh my God. Isn't that crazy? They just threw those out, those nice gifts you gave them.

[A]

No, we have them. We really do. We do. We took photos the other day and shared them with our families. Yes, absolutely. They are hung by the chimney with care that hopes that St. Nicholas will soon be there. Kelly, have you ever thought about making yourself a better Hat. My husband picked this out for me. Okay? We can tell he definitely doesn't want you banging other dudes. That's very exciting. That hat is an instant boner killer. From now on, if I'm ever gonna finish with a girl too fast, I'm gonna picture that hat. Just be like, oh, I'm gonna last forever. That hat makes me want to not come. All right. Didn't get the laugh I thought it would, but thought that was funny.

[B]

It was funny.

[A]

It was just picture a hat. Some people picture their grandma. I will picture that hat. Kelly Quinn, you gave us a little stocking. You're leaving here with a little joke book. Congratulations. Merry Christmas.

[B]

I spiked it on Joe Rogan.

[A]

Wow. How dare you hit a book at Lord Charizard like that? All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? God damn right. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? This looks like an interesting name, ladies and gentlemen. May make some noise for Tadpole Triplet, everybody. Tadpole triplet. Oh, boy. Here we go. Make some noise for Tadpole triplet, everybody. Here we go. The clock has begun.

[B]

Do you ever walk into a room and not be the craziest in there? What the fuck is that? Like, I appreciate y' all giving me a little time out of your day. They don't let me out much. I need this shit, y'. All. I've been in a really, really dark place lately, but I'm about to pay the electric bill, so the future is bright. But in telling Hunter Watt, joke's up here. No, I am not Ted Kaczynski Jr. Y' all are insensitive. Ladies sliding in my DM talking about tapo.

[C]

Why don't you shave?

[B]

Look at Tapo, so handsome.

[C]

Why don't he shave?

[B]

Because, y', all, if I shave, I look like I majored in lacrosse and fraternities, right?

[A]

A little rapey.

[B]

We don't want it. So instead, this is what y' all get. Look like a homeless MMA fighter. Fucking Connor McBeggar.

[A]

Tadpole triplet has arrived. Welcome to the show, Tadpole.

[B]

Who the fuck is this guy?

[A]

Still tagging the Connor McBaker joke? I see set has ended. Welcome, Tadpole triplet. This is your first time on the show?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? 39 years. Really? Yes, sir. You've been performing on stage for 39 years?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

How old are you? 49.

[B]

I'll be 49 in minutes.

[A]

So you started stand up comedy when you were 10 years old?

[B]

I did my first type 5 at a second grade talent show.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

I swear to God.

[A]

Wow. Okay, okay, wait.

[B]

You were 10 in second grade. Botox. Yeah. That checks you out.

[A]

Tadpole. Oh, Jesus.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Wow. Tadpole triplet staring at Joe Rogan like he is the Liver King's angry son.

[C]

What's up?

[A]

Hey, I see a resemblance. One could say he's the Liver Prince, if you will. So, Tadpole, let's talk about it. You've been doing stand up comedy for 39 years. What else have you been doing? You look like perhaps some time in Vietnam or something like that.

[B]

Thank you. I appreciate it. I spent 20 years in Hollywood.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Trying to be cute.

[A]

What were you doing in Hollywood?

[B]

Mostly a writer.

[A]

Okay. Did you write anything that we might recognize? Perhaps some graffiti on a wall or something?

[B]

Fucking the i5 underpass? That's me.

[A]

Okay, but what else? Anything creative?

[B]

My biggest success was the Tonight Show. Jay Leno. You wrote that? You second grade?

[A]

Explain to us.

[B]

I wrote four.

[A]

You were a staff writer on the Tonight?

[B]

I was. I was staff and I wrote for the Tonight Show. I was assistant segment producer. But the guy I work for had a lung transplant. I spent six months just in the writer's room trying to learn how to write a joke.

[A]

You were in the studio in Burbank, California.

[B]

In Burbank, California.

[A]

Wow. How long was that boulevard?

[B]

It was 25 years ago. Bill Clinton was the president.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Him. Botox? You want Botox?

[A]

This is incredible.

[B]

He's 74 now.

[A]

Tadpole, you came out with a stool. Explain to us why you have a stool.

[B]

I got hit by a drunk driver and broke my neck. And this is physical. Wasn't it Tesla? Was it? We got to stop this motherfucker.

[A]

Oh, my God. You have an actual neck brace. I took off the neck brace to perform. You have an actual broken neck?

[B]

Yes. Wow. I'm going to try and tough it out and not put it on and look like a Sister Rogan. What, are you going to tap out? I'm going to tap out. No, put that thing on before you die. Yeah. Also for real, neck brace is the funniest thing. You can wear it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Literally. I wear it about 50% of the time, but I was doing a minute and I wanted to give a little on it. No, on stage would be very funny.

[A]

For real? Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I swear to God, a neck brace is literally the funniest. Before my minute to say, hi, world.

[A]

No.

[B]

Toss that thing on, dude. I swear.

[A]

How many you want him to put on the neck Brace. Let's see it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kiltoni's history. It's the first time we've ever seen a man put on a neck brace with a broken neck after performing. Wow. This is incredible. So, Tadpole, tell us, how did life change? It's got to get the beard out of there. Tadpole, explain to us what it's like having a broken neck.

[B]

You curl up in a ball like a crybaby for half the day, and then. And then you decide if you want to be a tough guy and do a little bit of something right.

[A]

And that was that day or every day?

[B]

Pretty much every day for the last 12, 14, second grade.

[A]

Whenever you got hit by a Tesla 12 years ago. I know.

[B]

No, that's all his idea. I got hit by. Dude, that's writers room. Yeah, that was actually his idea.

[A]

Shane said I got hit by a Tesla.

[B]

I do a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No way. You got hit and fucking. Yeah, I got hit. I got hit by a drunk Russian diplomat's daughter of a Bill Clinton Russian diplomat's daughter.

[A]

Okay, hold on. When. What, when was this? 96. 96. Did you get money from this?

[B]

I, I, I had to sue my grandfather's insurance to pay for my surgeries. Why is that funny? Holy crap. The great mystery. Yeah, what the is that?

[A]

I put all this effort into telling.

[B]

A joke and you laughed at my drama.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Holy Christ.

[A]

So they gave you surgeries and you're still braced up? What else have you tried?

[B]

I, man, I wrote a book about my recovery, not about what happened, because I'm not ready for that.

[A]

Everybody's got a book.

[B]

I don't even have a book. I just made it up. So you perpetually have to wear that brace since you were a kid? No, I was almost 19, guys. Okay, so you're almost 19, you broke your neck, then you're 46. You still wear a brace every day? About 50. If I don't have something I can clean, I, I didn't wear it tonight.

[A]

Right, but you're.

[B]

If I can, I. I sit on a stool when I try to do stand up. What is the injury? I'm fused front and back, C3 through C7, all the way down. The whole shit's titanium.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Yo, that's kind of. I gotta go up and down, but I don't want to because it's around my brain stem and I got a.

[A]

Little bit of smarts left, and I.

[B]

Don'T want to get strangled out by titanium. I will say, though, you do have the coolest neck brace I've ever seen. Thank you. Most of them suck. That one's actually, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Bottom of it, like a stormtrooper mask.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Like, cool mixer. This is my dunk contest moment. Hold on, let me. Let me get it up. What's that? Do I.

[A]

It's like traction.

[B]

It works like a traction machine, but I can't talk with it because it locks my jaw. So how you doing? What's up?

[C]

What's up?

[A]

Your story is absolutely incredible. Do you ever sit on a park bench and talk about how life's like a box of chocolates? I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do. It's something that I've never done before with anybody in the history of the show. But I'm going to pick up the tab on this. I want to see if the great people over at Ways Too well can possibly zip something into you that might be able to help you or give you some type of relief. We are friends with the great people at Ways to. Well, they provide unbelievable miracle, like, health care to people, and we're gonna see what happens. Probably not much since your neck's been broken as fuck for, like, 30 years. But they said I'd never walk.

[B]

Now I can sprint and jump for, like, 90 seconds. Don't do that. Yeah, definitely don't do that. Stop doing that right now.

[A]

I listened to them and I sat.

[B]

In a bed for a decade. Now I get up every day. Yes, yes. Don't break your neck again, Mother. I'd be in a cage right now if I wanted that. I get a little taste of that again. But I'm not that retarded. Oh, not that you are that Just.

[A]

Because my mother drove the short bus.

[B]

Hold on a second. Story cap. Hold. Did you point at me and withhold from saying it? Because if so. That's very, very funny. Oh, never mind. I was giving you credit for a really great. I would. I would never do such a thing. All right. You are funny.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Hell, yeah. You got some merch there? I got some merch. What? I see your tadpole on your shirt.

[A]

This is my bre.

[B]

Breast cancer charity. Habitat Pole for Humanity.

[A]

You have a what? Habitat pole.

[B]

Oh, it's for humanity. I get it. For human titty. Humanity for human titty.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Tadpole.

[A]

Tadpole. You're a wild boy, tadpole.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

You live here in Austin now?

[B]

No, I'm about 300 miles away.

[A]

Okay. Where are you?

[B]

Up near the Oklahoma border. Albert. Decatur area.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

On the Way to Wichita Falls.

[A]

I'm not really there, but I'm there. Okay.

[B]

Should I. I was in LA for 20 years. The whole world shut down.

[A]

Everyone got RiRi.

[B]

And then I was like, my brother's got a house.

[A]

I could live in the baby basement. That makes sense.

[B]

Yeah, the basement's nice.

[A]

Do you have a girlfriend? A wife?

[B]

No, they won't touch me. What are you talking about?

[A]

You're not interested in the ladies. Oh, I didn't say that.

[B]

Putting words in my mouth. Well, did I say that? I said you didn't say that.

[A]

I didn't say that. Okay.

[B]

Have a tablet for humanity, bro.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I'm trying to save all the titties. What are we doing? We're chopping them off and stuff. Get the out of here. Doing that. No mas titas delitas. Cut it the out. Cut it out. Cut it out. What are we doing?

[A]

You ever been in the military?

[B]

No. My whole family. I wasn't brave enough.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I wrote jokes and dribbled a basketball for my life. I was pretty privileged.

[A]

You were good at basketball.

[B]

Yeah, you know, a little jump shot.

[A]

Yep. A little bit grill in. I can't understand what you're saying. Nothing. Tadpole. Triplet. We are going to get your contact information. We're going to try to see what ways the well can possibly maybe do for you. They pull off miracles, but nothing's guaranteed. Here's a big joke book. You got that? You want me to get it in the hoodie, hit him in the neck. Got it tight. Triplet. Shane Gillis. Going P. Brought to you by Bud Light. There's the lovely Heidi. And we're gonna get another bucket. Pull up here. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Gordon Dixon, everybody. Here comes Gordon Dixon. Make some noise, Austin.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

I'm 41. If that last dude was 46, he is up, bro. He got a knee brace from sucking dick. Dad. That guy, man. Thank you. Thank you, homeless dude. Anyway, I'm 40. I'm a 40 year old comic. I hang out with 20 year olds. I went to a strip club the other night. They're all making it rain. And I tried to pay for my lap dance with a checkbook. And I knew I was all. Exactly. Half of y' all don't know what checkbooks are. Fuck all young people. Yeah. This tripper was like, I wanna make it rain. You gonna make it rain. I'm like, how you spill candy with a ie or a Y? How you spell this? It's all Right? Yo, it was 12,000. It was a bounce check. She's never gonna pass that check. Fuck y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Let's go. I'm celebrating my eighth year out of the service, so I'm having fun. I'm fucked up right now. Thank y'. All. You don't have to clap, all right? You don't care about people in the service. Thank you. Thank you. I served as you. I served as United States Jehovah's Witness, so. Yeah, exactly. This is a rough night. Fuck y'. All. All right. You guys like handicapped people more than you like half black people. Fuck y', all, man. Name is Gordon Dixon. My name is. There you go. All right. I fucked up. Thank you. Gordon Dixon. Damn it. All right, Gordon. How are you? I'm good, man. Yeah, I've been on a couple times. Time you're a little up. Yeah, I just got off work. Yeah, I work next door. It's my fault. What did you drink? Exactly? What did you do, Gordon? Every shot. People bought me. Right there. Some people that bought me shot. There's another guy who bought me a shot. Yes, that man. It's Austin, man. It's weird out here. You have to get up, up. No, you don't. All right? That's what I was told when I moved out here. All right. They lied to me. My bad. All right, Gordon, you're kind of.

[B]

Shane, you missed a lot.

[A]

He did, man. I'm glad Shane missed it. I'm sorry, Shane.

[B]

It's all right.

[A]

Gordon. Joe, I know it's good to guess how many shots you did tonight before tonight's set. How many would you guess? Just a ballpark.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Strong three. I did a strong three. Okay, yeah, a strong three. But I'm old, so I shouldn't do any at all. I should stop drinking at this point. But it. You know what I mean, Austin. All right, Gordon, I'm gonna let you off easy tonight. I'm gonna get you out of here with a little joke. There he goes. Gordon Dixon. All right, let's get one last bucket. Pull up here tonight. Make some noise for Lindsay Campbell, everybody. Here comes Lindsay Campbell. Here's Lindsay, everybody. We know Lindsay. Hey, guys. Erica Kirk has been hanging out with Nicki Minaj lately. Have you seen that? She's trying to convince people that she's not racist. But she does run her fingers through people's hair. When she hugs them, you can tell she doesn't have a single black friend. So anyway, I had a miscarriage like six months ago. A couple days after that, my Husband was. He was fingering me and he got on his hand. What Google told us is gray pregnancy matter. Relax, guys. At least he got to hold our baby. Hi, Joe Rogan. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Absolutely incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsey Campbell. I loved it.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

A masterpiece. Hey, Red Band. We know you well, Lindsay. You are married to the adorable little William Montgomery looking character. Little chubby cherub boy the fans probably remember and know. So that's real, huh? Yeah. Trey Campbell, Dr. Peppers. We got married on May 3rd, 2025. Hell yeah. Amazing. How's that going? Good. It's going fucking awesome. I just keep bringing animals into the house and he's just keeps trying to get rid of them, but going. Well, other than that, what kind of animals? What are we talking about? We're up to five now. We have two dogs, we have two cats, and we have a snake. Wow, okay. Hell yeah.

[B]

Why the fuck did she point at you when she said snake?

[A]

That's a good question. Yeah, she pointed at Redband.

[B]

Pointed right at you, bro.

[A]

I don't remember. I was drunk. What happened? It's not a penis thing, I promise. I was talking to you about my snake and you told me that if I ever brought into Mitzi's that you would like throw the bag against the wall. Throw the what against the wall? You were drunk. I said I was gonna bring it. I was gonna bring a snake in a bag and have him touch it. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Without him knowing you got drunk and said you're gonna kill her snake.

[A]

Those of you that wonder what Red Band's like after the show.

[B]

The real what A sack of real.

[A]

Real hoot. Nanny. I'm gonna kill your snake. I love it. Lindsay, what do you do for work? I'm a bellboy now. Oh, wow. Yeah, I work at a hotel. I make tips. So I offer to give people ice. Unless they're Mexican. Then I offer to abolish it. Wow, you're hilarious. Thank you. You're a real comedian, Lindsey.

[B]

Thanks, Tony.

[A]

I love that. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy we should know about? I just got a job for the first time in like six months. That fucking sucks. Yeah. That's the bellboy thing. Yeah, it's the bellboy thing. And then we got our dog, Spade. So she has a tattoo now. It's a swastika. It's cause she's a German shepherd. Hell yeah. Sorry, Tony. That's amazing. No, on a scale from 1 to 10, I give that joke a 9. 9. Thank you.

[C]

9.

[B]

9.

[C]

9.

[B]

9. Nine.

[A]

There you go. A little out. Oop, there. I like that. Oh, those are my balls, Shane. No way, Shane.

[B]

I would never do that.

[A]

Shane, just tap my balls.

[B]

No, I did not.

[A]

Yeah, you did.

[B]

You. Hey, dude.

[A]

Lindsay, we love you. A great set. Here's a big joke. Thank you. Check out her job. What? Check out her cupcake. Cupcake she always gives us. Oh, yeah, that's the cupcake lady. Hell yeah. Obviously getting high on her own supply. Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode this has been. I mean, holy shit. Gilligan Lincoln Financial Field July 17th Rogan of the JRE there's only one way to end an episode like this. William Montgomery is already off on Christmas break. However, there is a young man whose dream it is of one day being a citizen of the greatest country on earth, the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. Yes, sir. This is Ari. Matt.

[B]

So everyone's terrified of A.I. it's common. Like, what do you do for work, sir? Pest control business. You have like six months left. See, the secret is you gotta get a job that even AI doesn't want to do. Like roofing. Dude, under the Texas sun. Even AI is like, Miguel, Miguel, get up there. It's too fucking hot. My batteries are overheating. This is fucking ridiculous. This is inhumane. I don't know about stand up. I'm not sure. I think AI is too algorithmical to do stand up. Too perfect. People don't relate to perfection. People relate to mistakes. AI ain't about that life. AI ain't gonna say the N word. AI ain't gonna show his dick to the comedy club waitresses. I will. AI stand up is going to be all algorithmical. You know, like almond milk. How could it be milk? They don't have nipples. Bullshit. Also, if AI is so smart, how come every time I try to log into a website and to make sure I'm not a robot, they ask me to identify three traffic lights in the picture? So you're telling me AI sees this puzz, Fuck, retreat, So it gets flustered by traffic lights. But what the fuck is a waymo. That's my time. Thank you, guys.

[A]

2 minutes, 45 seconds. Working overtime tonight and without a doubt, the best side of the night. This is incredible, Ari. Maddie, you've done it yet again.

[B]

I kind of up the order of the joke. There's a whole different order, you know, when you just have to.

[A]

Yeah. No one even. No one even noticed.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

Only, you know, that's what's great about this.

[B]

The order was totally up.

[A]

Was there a callback that got left out?

[B]

There was everything that was undone and the ending was solved.

[A]

It worked out great, man. Fucking amazing. What I love about this set, because it was so brilliant, so topical, so funny, such great delivery, so crisp, and yet I'll give a little behind the scenes inside scoop that I normally don't really ever do, which is that when we were flying back from that gig on Sunday, I said, by the way, Monday's gonna be fun. Rogan Gillis. And you go, fuck. I've got nothing new.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm just curious, is that. Did you just fucking cook that up in the past 36 hours or what?

[B]

Yeah, I went to some terrible gigs yesterday and I just bombed with it. But. But I knew it was logical. And if I get in front of a crowd that likes me, I knew. You know when you're bombing and you're like. You know when you're bombing and you're like, well, somewhere there will be laughter. Yeah, the sun will rise in the future.

[A]

What I love about that, 2 minutes, 45 seconds. You wrote that in 36 hours. We had a guy on stage earlier that's been doing it 39 years, and his minute wasn't nearly as strong. Yeah.

[B]

That sucks about standup. That, like, he left with a.

[A]

With a. With a. With a diagnosis of stem cells.

[B]

That's why I wouldn't laugh about that pole dude. Yeah. No, I can for real kill you.

[A]

Yeah, without a doubt.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Yeah. Unless you touch him at all, and then which case, he will fall apart immediately.

[B]

That's why, like, when I did mma, it was so cool to find out real quick if you got it, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Not a lot of people know that, Ari. Matty is a professional fighter. Owen. Three zero three career. But he knows how to shadow box.

[B]

This guy real bad. Yeah. Don't have it.

[A]

Is undefeated against the shadow.

[B]

The shadow gets up every day, Joe.

[A]

That's what we call Dedrick Flynn behind the scene. Ari, what else is going on, man? You're killing it.

[B]

I don't know. I've been watching this series called Spy Ops. Have you guys seen. Have you watched Spy Ops? Amazing. I love the Mossad.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Israeli Secret Service.

[A]

Tell us. See? Okay, tell us more.

[B]

I will see, like usual, Secret Service, CIA, mic. They gather information and then they kill the guy, like with cyanide or they poison the soup. Nobody even knows what happened. Mossad gathers no information and they just blow up the whole building. Mossad always has civilian casualties, but then always they're like, well, Statistically, you know, dude, there's this one episode, okay? There was this one episode. They were after a guy who's a Palestinian terrorist, member of the Black September. They did Munich, Remember? Munich? The big one. Until, yeah, worst thing to happen on German soil to Jews, you know? So. So they're after one of the leaders, okay? And they find him in Oslo, Norway, disguised as a pizza delivery guy. Great disguise for a terrorist. You have a bicycle.

[A]

Bing, bing.

[B]

You got some pizza boxes filled with fucking C4.

[C]

You know?

[B]

You're meeting creepy guys in the alley. You're a fucking pizza guy. So the Mossad tracks this guy down. They pull up on him in a car in Parliament Square, downtown Oslo. Blow his head off with a shotgun. Brains go flying into the guy's friend's hands. They collect the brains, you know? The Mossad disappears. Successful mission. You would think. Six months later, they find out, wrong guy make you learn, pizza guy. Imagine you're at the funeral and your parents are like, what did my son do? Black September. But of course. See that? But the downside about the Mossad is they always get caught. How those guys got caught is after they blow the guy's head off, they took the car back. Back to the rental agency. That's how Jews get caught. The deposit.

[A]

Jesus, God, Ari. Maddie.

[B]

They should have. They should have kept that. You ever see the movie Munich? It's about that. It's about the massage. All the guys. It'd be weird if a movie. But so funny if they included that scene.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because the whole time they're like, man, these guys are so sly and smart and. Yeah. Should have one scene where they're like, there's that boom. It was just a guy. Yeah, they had, like, one guy they were after in an apartment building, but they didn't nail, which they tried to nail, which floor it was on. They're like, the whole building goes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. They don't give a. The Mossad is crazy, Joe. Don't upset the Jews. Where's that yarmulke?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Put it on.

[A]

What's that put on?

[B]

The yamaka.

[A]

No, the yarmul's gone.

[B]

You threw it out?

[A]

No, I had it. I had it sent away and put on top of my Christmas tree. Guys.

[B]

Anti Semitism. There it is. Oh, there's a KT Amaka.

[A]

That's crazy. Get the out of here. I'm going to put it on you.

[B]

No, I haven't.

[A]

Yeah. Huh? Whoa. Wow.

[B]

Don't wave like that, Red.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

By the way, that guy just went Hilr, there's a guy in the crowd who just went like this. That's not good.

[A]

That's not good. Second most Jewish thing Red band's done this week. Next to take coupons into a war. Wendy's with them. Shane goes, is that true?

[B]

It's a Ben Shapiro joke in here somewhere. Like Ben burrito over.

[A]

Oh, my God, Ari. Maddie, what can I. I say the set of the night, the interview of the night. Catch him on Monday on Netflix tour.

[B]

I'm on tour?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tickets are really low. Ar Maddy dot com. For the love of God, go to.

[A]

Ari, Maddie dot com. See this man's fulllength set. You're not going to believe it. If you love a minute, you'll love his hour. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. That is indeed Joe Rogan and Shane Gillis. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's a Shane Gillis. Look at that. Hell yeah. Look at that. That's a. That's a very nice picture of you.

[B]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

Yeah, look at that.

[B]

Thanks, man.

[A]

He gave you a little.

[B]

Put that above your bed. Yeah, yeah. Tell the girl. Go look at that. Don't look at my real face.

[A]

Shane Gillis, ladies and gentlemen, July 17, 2026, Lincoln Fight Financial field. The biggest standup comedy show of all time. How about one more time for the man himself, Joe Rogan. Next Monday. Go to Netflix. Watch the whole goddamn thing. Tell everybody that you know. Watch Kill Tony. Once Upon a Time in Texas, filmed live at the Moody center on New Year's Eve, airs on Netflix. Next Monday. We will not be here on YouTube. We will be only on Netflix and then back on YouTube the next week. Yeah, man. We did it. What an episode. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Check out their single Pandemonium. Everywhere where music is available. The Kiltoni Band. And we did it, Red Band. Love you guys. We love you. Catch us on Netflix next week. Good night, everybody.

[B]

It. She's wide awake in her whiskey. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin.

[A]

Texas is now over.

[B]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday day. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.