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Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian, Red Dan. Oh, my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. We have the great Dave Cher playing guitar for us here tonight. John D's on the keys and that's D Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. They have the new Kill Tony band on YouTube and their hit single Pandemonium is available everywhere. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Quo Ziprecruiter and Shopify. How you guys feeling tonight? Good. Feels good in here. Feels real good. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. It's time for trash day nose yoga with Hefti. Let's transform stinky scenarios with a joyful scent of fabuloso. Inhale. You forgot to empty your kid's lunchbox. Exhale a field of lavender. Inhale stinky leftovers. Exhale watermelon in the summer. That's the power of Hefty. Ultra strong trash bags with fabuloso. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas March 28th. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston February 28th. One in Grand Prairie March 28th. Tony hinchcliffe.com get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? We are braving the freezing weather and what a warm what show I have for you, ladies and gentlemen, two of the biggest comedians in the world. Two of the funniest human beings on planet earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of my favorites. Make some fucking noise for Bert Kreischer and Rick Ingram. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Rick. Era short. Kreischer. Let's fucking go. Yeah, buddy. Hi, buddy. Free Bert is out now on Netflix. It is one of the top shows on planet Earth. Welcome back, Bert Kreischer. It's good to be here. I've been here all fucking week, and I will be here all week because of this goddamn storm. Tony, how many mistranslations do you think happened in kitchens this Thursday before the storm came in? They were like, hey, ice is coming. And they're like, oh, fuck. Thank you. No doubt that joke's dead after a week, so I might as well get it out. Work out that double entendre while you can. Exactly. Rick Ingram's new special crowd pleaser is out on The Comedy Store. YouTube now. Rick is one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. Rick was the guest. Fun fact, for those of you that consider yourself Kill Tony fans, Rick was the guest on episode one of Kill Tony. Wow. Before it even had its name, it was called Hinchcliff's Notes with an apostrophe. There's a lot of people who said that my presence on Hinchcliffe Notes is what made Kill Tony necessary. It's true. It got the pilot picked up for episode two. We renamed it, and the rest is history. What other names were in the running? That was another one. Brian Redband's second podcast. Yeah, second. It was, like, his ninth at the time. The Brian Redban Experience. Yeah. And now I'm the only person left stuck working with him. So it's funny how these things turn out. The privilege. Oh, what an amazing privilege it is. We love him. How about a hand for red band, everybody? I mean, just adorable. Yeah, he had to lint roll the cat hair off of him earlier. He said, quote, the cat slept on my shirt. This is my business partner, everybody. You guys know how the show works. Over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all stacked on top of each other in an unbelievably disgusting bar next door, hoping and praying that they get pulled out of this bucket. I'm gonna let the corpse of JonBenet Ramsey pick the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations. I can't believe she's here. It's amazing the people that travel here for this show. It's absolutely incredible. Still just as hot as she was. So while we brother's not here. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian, and you guys know how it works. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood be. He was very angry tonight. Even though he likes the cold weather, he's very, very angry. While we go wrangle that first comedian, we have a special treat for you guys to start tonight's show. A regular who we haven't seen in quite some time, a master of the interview portion of the show, and the great return of the one and only. Ladies and gentlemen, if you know the words, sing along. This is Han's camp. Hey, hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road. And not just the good kind, not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck our cocks, but the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ICE is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You're just giving them more room to breathe. But I understand. Can you imagine the shape you have to be in to deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun in under three minutes, just in case I get carjacked at an antifa rally and a flock of quail fly by. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. All right, Hans Kim, here we go. Bert, you grabbed that mic quick. Oh, I didn't mean to. I. I just. You know, I haven't been able to laugh at this whole ice situation, so it was nice that you brought levity to it. Thank you. I'm kidding. I've been laughing all weekend. Hans. Fun set. I agree with almost everything that you said. I didn't understand the three gun competition thing at the end. Is that a thing that happens? Yeah, that's a type of gun competition. It's just where you shoot around with the boys. It felt like a very specific type of racism that only he knows about. But he is Asian, so that's the highest level of racist. That is true. Not a lot of people know this. Asians are the most racist people. I thought people knew that when I made fun of an Asian back in 2021. Turns out nobody fucking knew it somehow, or everybody forgot it all at once. And I got in big trouble, and I needed to find an Asian to come in and be my token Asian. And this wasn't the Asian. That's the Asian that I got to replace the old Asian. Uh huh. Is it racist that we both thought he was the Asian that you were talking about? No, it worked. I was like, there's no way Tony ever went for two. I mean, only one can replace the other. He was the Yao to my Ming. So it worked amazingly. Your life is good, right, Hans? Yeah, of course. It's amazing. Yeah, I'm doing great. Yeah, I'm. I went camping recently in Big Bend. Just out there by myself, Just enjoying the Texas countryside, you know, just soaking it in. Ah, you went by yourself? Serial killer. Yeah. Yeah, it's like meditative, you know, getting to know myself. Just thinking a lot about my life. And were you on your phone out there? Yeah. Oh, okay. So meditative. What else did you do while camping, Hans? I smoked a joint, you know, did some mushrooms. By yourself? Yeah. Dangerous, those eyes close. All the way out in the woods by yourself. Just like Helen Keller. Like ah. Or Helen Keller. That is correct. I love it. So, Hans, how long were you camping out there by yourself for? Four days, three nights. Wow. Myself. How often are you jerking off in this situation? It's actually really cold, so it kind of. He couldn't find it. His eyes are closed. He's got chopsticks down there going like. I don't know. Keep telling me more about this camping trip. So you didn't jerk off at all four days? I did once. Can you explain to us how that went down exactly? Could you imagine you're hiking through the Texas woods and you come across what at first you assume is a Sasquatch, only to find out that it's a Asian guy masturbating on mushrooms. You expect that in Oklahoma. You don't expect that here. And the best part is he can't see you. So you and your family just circle around him and wait till he's done. He's high as shit, his eyes are closed, he's looking for his dick, and your youngest is like in between your legs. I want to hear more about camping. Yeah, I had a great time. Amazing. Hans. Why was he away for a while? Why by yourself also? Guess it's easier to jerk off that way. Weird with four kids. I brought you guys out here to watch me get high and jerk off. This is what friends do. I thought the focus. Did you see anybody else out there when you were camping? Were there other people? I saw a bunch of dudes just camping. They were like tactical men. Were they with each other was they were following the general rule. If it's not as creepy if there's more than one. Yeah, they were. Yeah. A proud boy of men. Four dudes in tactical gear come upon an Asian in the woods and they're like, you want to go old school and hunt him a lot? Charlie, References. Oh, yeah. We used to fight Asians. Millennials. You will again soon, Hansi boy. All right, Hans. Another great new set. You got the show started for us. Thank you so much, Kim, everybody. Great job. And now we rotate over to the deer insane Bucket of Destiny, where we actually meet people. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll. It's Big Vinnie, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight. Does anybody have a spare Ozempic they could throw up on stage? I could really use that shit. Has anybody in here ever gone fat splashing before? I'm sorry. That's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me, she found out her name in my phone was Torta the Explorer. Yeah, that fucked me up. That was hard. It was even rougher that I had her aunt in my phone as Tortilla. All right, guys. That's been my time with Big Vinny. Big Vinny. It's even in his name, folks. His entire is his weight. Meanwhile, he's the third fattest guy up here right now. I lost. Sorry, Bird. We know he knew those jokes in la. We know Red Band's number one, Bert, number two, and Medium Vinnie here doing nothing but oic and fat jokes. So, yeah, slightly less Big Vinnie is what I've been going by on the street there. I'm kidding, Bert. You're not that fat, but you seem like you got a little different. I'm a manjaro. I lost 40 pounds. I blood in the morning. Are you really on GLP1? No drugs for me. Just running and eating right. Okay. I'm a cheater. I got it. You eating right, he says. Just did a minute of Fat Joe. Yeah. What have you eaten today? What? What food have you consumed since this morning? I just had. Only today I really only had a chicken salad sandwich I made myself, so. Wow. Did you put grapes in it? You put grapes in it? No, that's. There's a lot of sugar and grapes. It's bad for you, Bert. Okay. Damn. Jesus. Getting health advice from Big the first bucket pool. This is not good. He gets accused of not being fat, and he's like, I better start telling you. Telling people how to be healthy. So tell us exactly how you made the chicken salad then. Give us your recipe, Big Vinnie. I had half a rotisserie chicken left for me. Wow, rotisserie. The other half was dinner last night. Yep. Correct. So I pulled it apart and threw some mayo on there, you know, a little bit of onion, some garlic powder, some salt, like that. Then I threw some bolillo or whatever they call it from heb in the oven. What is that last thing? A bolillo. You guys know what that is? Yeah, it's a little, like, bread roll they make. It's because they don't have, like, fresh baked bread here in Texas. They don't have, like, Like, I mean, like, delis that I'm used to. I'm used to paninis and like that. What are you. Where are you from? New York. Okay. Yeah. You live here now or are you just visiting? No, I live here. I've been living here the past year. Yeah. Okay. Got healthy here. Can I make a note? You're way more passionate about your chicken salad sandwiches than you are your comedy. Yeah, like, you get really into these chicken salad sandwiches. No, I do comedy almost every goddamn. There was no part of the comedy where he gave, like, a little sprinkle of comedy. But he wanted to make sure you guys knew that he wasn't just fucking salt shakering. I move around more when I have more time. And, like, the minute I had to shorten up most of my jokes, like, I don't know, I could try to, like, do one or two and, like, length. It's okay. Big Vinny, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? Three years. Almost three years. So two of it in New York, one of it here. Phoenix, Arizona is where I started right after the pandemic. Okay, what made you trade it around a lot. Yeah, what made you move to Phoenix? So I just. I. Me and my brother wanted to travel, like, around, and we picked Phoenix. That's where we ended up. Like, he found a good job, and I figured it would be a good place to start comedy. I didn't want to start here. Since you're a connoisseur, who better bread, Phoenix or Austin? Definitely. Oh, that's hard. They both suck. But Austin, I'll give it to not being able to get bread. Yeah, like, there's at least. There's got to be an Italian bakery or Delhi somewhere. There's a ton of great Tom Segura. Just opened one. Yeah. Yeah. What's your take on. On brioche bread? That's okay. Yeah. I don't like it. Yeah, it's weird. It's hard to bite through, and it feels like the meat squirts out too squishy. Ciabatta. Ciabatt. No, I don't like I. With ciabatta. No, ciabatta's not bad. Yeah. A nice toasted ciabatta. Yeah. Welcome to. Welcome to another episode of Fat Tony, everybody. What are your thoughts on pumpernickel? Too much going on there. Okay. That guy's talking bread. That's going to get America united. I love it. Okay, so, Big Vinnie, let's talk about it. What's. What's been going on in your life? What is that the fat people talking about bread sound? Let's hear that one more time. I love the horn section so much. Roasting with a trombone. This is out of control. I think we just got baked. Yeah. Big Vinny, give us a fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you. Something special that makes you. You. I collect sports cards. And that's, like, what I've been living off of. Selling that, like, sports cards and Pokemon cards, singles. I don't set up at the store with a tent and scalp like those scumbags. And that's your job? Oh, yeah. That's how you make money. So I was working at Cheers for like, seven months as a door guy, but then after that, I started selling cards. Yeah. And living off that. Wow. So what you do is you steal Pokemon cards from the kids in the west, and then you resell those. So I've had a single mom. Like, I was hooking up with a single mom. Oh, yeah. Guys, the joke I just said I didn't know about this single mom store. I don't want to be an accomplice in. Whatever. All right, go on. So she was having trouble paying the rent one month, and so she turned to her son's Pokemon cards. No. He had to say goodbye to his Charizard gx. Are you serious? How much does a Charizard go for? It depends which one. There's so many. But yeah, he. His collection was probably 1500 bucks. Yeah. Oh, my God. You see why that's terrible? So single. What a. He took that fifteen hundred dollars and he started a child trafficking race crazy business plan. My God. 1500 for our Charizard? No, it was like, probably a binder full of, like, 30 cards. Oh, my God. So did the kid have any Pokemon cards left by the Time you were done pounding out this single mom. Yeah, I left him with some Christmas gifts. Yeah, so he had. What kind of Christmas gifts exactly? Let me guess. Half a rotisserie chicken filled with Pokemon cards. Yeah. A little brother that he won't pay for. Not unless those Don Mattingly rated rookies pick up in value. Meanwhile, the mom's sitting like, he's so. Vinnie's so good with my son, they just sit and go through his Pokemon cards all day. Yeah. Oh, you got that, buddy. Nice. Nice. You know, that's not that valuable anymore. Oh, yeah, you don't want this one. This is worth nothing. So how much money do you think you've made slinging cards if you had to guess ballpark? Well, just enough to, like, pay my rent and stuff, so probably like $20,000 the last six months. So you're out there selling the cards, but how are you getting them? How do you know when you find a deal? So, like, I buy collections. Like, people are trying to get out of it. Like, obviously you got to pay, like, half of what the cards are worth and stuff. Like, even less for, like, a undesirable. You're like a coin star machine for cards. Can I ask you a really serious question? If someone gave you, say, like, $500,000 and said, invest this in cards, what could you turn that into? Oh, I could. I could make that into, like. How long are you talking? How long a time? Probably a foot and a half Italian sub, full rotisserie chicken, this time with the grapes. Because when you got that kind of cash, you don't care about the sugar. But have you seen. Have you seen Jake Paul talk about his car that he wears around his neck? And he talks about the investment versus annuities and real estate, and it's fucking crazy. He's a scammer. He's a scammer. Say that once again for the Internet. Yeah, Logan Paul, he's no good. Wow. Looks like I'm gonna have to fight in a boxing ring in a few months. All right, Big Vinnie, you were the first bucket pool of the night. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Gotta start somewhere. Big Vinny, everybody. Here we go. We do second bucket pool of the night, ladies, and. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. Oh, my goodness gracious. The crowd goes wild. Hello, everyone. I'm proud to say that this episode is sponsored by Prize Picks. The big game is almost here, so cash in during America's biggest sporting event with Prize Picks, where it always feels good to be Right. That also means it's your last chance to get into the football action before next season. Close the season outright with Prize picks by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. Tony, Prize Picks is the. It makes my sports watching experience even better. My best friend didn't even know what a first down was. That stupid girl. Now she's talking to me every Sunday about who she's picking for her lineup. It's so exciting and gets us all amped while watching the game. That's amazing. Redbam. You can find your community on Prize Picks with the new Social Feeds feature. You can share prize picks with your friends, copy lineups you like, or use them as inspiration for your own picks. Plus, Prize Picks now has early payouts if your player gets off to a hot start. You now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. Download the Prize picks app today and use Code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Tony to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup. Guys, prize picks. It's good to be right. All right. Your next bucket pull. Goes by the name of Greg Bergman, everybody. Greg Bergman. Here we go. I'm in a great mood. I'm dating a beautiful girl. Beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non Binary. Yeah. Which I gotta say, fellas, is the best of both worlds. You know, I come home from work, I'm gonna. Depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat the shit out of him. You know, you get away with. No, no, no, Officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black eye I gave him, not the other way around. You know, you get away with it. It's amazing. Well, I've signed up 57 times. I don't know if I'll ever be back. I have to tell Austin. I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look up. I do. I have the biggest dick in Austin. I'm not bragging. I bought it. That's odd. Allow me to explain. About 10 years ago, or Lincoln would say half a score. I got a penis implant, made a movie about it. Big like me. And there's only one caveat. They can only make it thicker, not longer. You know, And I'm a little disproportionate, I gotta be honest. You're supposed to go twice. I went three times. Third time, not a charm. I'm. I'm hung like a hockey Puck, couple cans of tuna stacked on top of one another, but not that cheap bumblebee shit. Talk about that albacore. That, that solid white meat. That's what I got. True. All right. Greg Bergman. Greg. Like, I missed the big dick thing. Can you explain? I. I was trying to. I was doing three things. Oh, oh. Literally missed it. I have one big dick. Yeah, that was it. You really just have a big dick? I was like, I must have missed a bunch. Well, they were just thick. Yeah. Yes. I have a penis implant. And you really do? Yeah, I do. It's fun. Fun stuff. Yeah. You really do. No, I do do. Okay, so let's talk. Let's start there. Yeah. I can't imagine starting. What else? So is it what I' right now bulging out of your pants? Is that your dick? That is a wad. I know. Those are jeans. Touch it. It's not gay if it's an implant. It is a little hard. No, no, that's just the plastic stuff. Does it stay like that? No. So, yeah, it hangs lower. It hangs more because it has plastic in it. So. Bird, are you okay? That's real? Yeah, Yeah. I just heard you tell a ghost story at a campfire. And I got in my tent and saw shadows you couldn't. Dreams really do come true. That is a solid cock. And it's just. It's limp. That's the one you want, is the one that black guys have in the shower. That's it. This is incredible. We've been doing this show 13 years and I have 784 questions remaining. What my first question is, why is Bert kind of hard? Now? This is how it goes. You have to touch birds. And then it goes all the way down until red band comes in his pants. All right. So, Greg, I don't even know where to begin. When did you get this penis implant? 2000. Okay. 2014. I made a movie about it called Big Like Me. It's on tubing now. The director's cuts down to fantastic and. And we can watch, guys. Yeah. Yeah. The perfect network depict. Well, there was this other movie called Long Hung Hero that got to south by Southwest two months before we were done editing. It fucked me because conceptually it was similar. So it fucked me with festivals. So that guy now has cancer and I'm glad. Oh, my God. But that little dick, he didn't go all the way. I went all the way. I got it. Can I make one just suggestion from a professional comedian to you? Yeah. You gotta close with a dick. Okay. You can't Open with it. Cause I can't stop looking at your dick. Yeah, it's so prominent. It is like I thought Bert was gonna say, when you come out on stage to start your set, you just pull it out and then do your whole set with your dick hanging out. So I could be like star. Here's my idea. I have an idea. You come out with your dick out. It has a shirt on. And then you pull the shirt off and the crowd goes wild. This is why you're who you are. Okay, so let's start with the question that everybody wants to know. Know exactly how big was your dick pre implant? Okay, so no, we're talking about it can only make it thick, only make it thicker. It's not true. They have. They. Let's not argue about it. I know you've done deep research on this. Not the expert. They can make it not true. The mini implants you can get. Shut the fuck up. Okay, shut up. They can make it longer, but only really when it's flaccid. Nobody cares about that. So really the thickness of what matters. It was a normal thing. Everything was normal. Or else it wouldn't be compelling. If it was a tiny dick dick. It's not funny if it's a big dick. One's bigger. Normal dick, normal length, normal girth. Maybe a little small, but. No, but normal in the statistical average numbers. You went to a doctor? Okay, okay. Well the average. The Average girth is 5 inches circumference. That's where I was so right in the statistical mean. But I blew my up. I went three times, not twice. You're supposed to go twice, first of all, circumference. Can I feel one? You got the measuring tape out? I got eight and a half inches circumference then now like Shane Diesel right next to him. Wow. I'm eight. He's eight and a half. Wow. Eight inches circumference, but also that's length. It's like this, Tony. Like this. For you to know, just for your reference, I think I. I think I can fit that. It's unnecessary. No one has to. It's not. You don't have to. So 8 inches around right now? Yeah, actually a little bigger when it's soft, depending on humidity and stuff. It's very strange. Bigger. Soft. Soft, Yeah, a little bigger. It's like almost all the way hard. It's a little bit bigger. It's weird. It's definitely weird, Rick. You know, but whatever. My mind is picturing the side by side of Florida and Phoenix in the size as big as your wrist. That's 8. 8 inches. Do we have a measuring tape just for our wrist? That's not as exciting. This Tony homo right here is like, yeah, let's go. Here's what I'm wondering. Something that big, are you even able to get it into a dude's butt? That was my next question. Yeah. All right, there's a measuring tape. Let's do Bert's room. Let's see what we got here. Because 8 around seems like a lot. Maybe I'm crazy. Well, no, it. You're not. What is a can? You're not insane. It's as big as this. Are you serious? Oh, Bert's got it. There we go. Wow. I'm all teeth, but I got it in. There's. This guy isn't the king of. God damn it. I'll do whatever you want, Mr. Burt. Whatever you want. Every time people go, how did Burt get his career? We're just gonna send that picture. That is unbelievable. Impressive. You need to. You need lose the joke. Just talk about your dick. Ok. You have said, like, everyone has dick jokes, right? We all have dick jokes. Jokes. It's such a staple of comedy. And you have the best dick jokes ever because you have that thing right. I actually loved the opening joke called. Oh, the opening was amazing. Yeah, it was. How long have you been doing stand up comedy? Off and on, 15 years. But consistently a year and a half. I was a little bitch at the comedy Store a long time ago. I've seen it like 20 years ago. I started, I stopped. I was a little bit of a. I can tell. You have like, showbiz. You have, like, weird, like, ShamWow guy energy. Like, you're very comfortable up here for. Not. Not. So I'm. I'm wildly nervous, actually. But getting into it, I could tell your dick's big as. Yeah. If you were real nervous, that thing would get. Oh, you don't want to make me nervous. That's. Oh, my goodness. Greg Burow guy on. Yeah, he popped out once. One time there was a guy on stage who goes, I came with a ShamWow guy. I'm like, the ShamWell guy's here. Let's get him out of here. And then he did one time. He goes, hey, will you drive me somewhere? And I go, go, yeah. He goes, where are we going? He goes, my mom's house. And I drove him to his mom's house. And he told me about how the reason he punched a prostitute was because the Church of Scientology set him up. That's. Yeah, that's the same guy we met. Yeah, no doubt about it. Yep. So, Greg Bergman. How old are you? 46. 46. What have you been doing your entire life? Because again, you have these wacky energies. You have like perfect eyebrows. I did. I. I did this. The mascara. I usually get them done, but I put. Yeah, you were right with the gig. Yeah, I knew. I figured it out. Yeah, you had. You were on top it. Are those veneers too? You have fake. How about the hair? Did you get. You get hair? No, the hair is all. It's one. Nobody believes you. That. That's when you go 85% fake. No one believes teeth. Everything else is real. Okay. Fake dick hair reels the day. And my eyebrows are colored in. Usually I get them. Professional eyebrows money. But. Yeah. Anyway, I've been. I made some movies. No one, you know, saw them. I mean some people did and I. Then I. I was a financial editor and I did some stock kind of stuff. And then I went poor a few times and went crazy. Give us your drunk. Your best story that involves drugs and Andy Dick. Andy Dick? Do you have one? Do you have an Andy Dick? No, I don't have an Andy Dick story. Wow. You. You think with that dick he would have an Andy Dick? I know I don't have an Andy Dick story. Absolutely incredible, Greg. So how did you make most of your money doing the financial stuff? Yeah, that and paid to do a couple movies, but mostly financial. Everyone in Best of It like me. Nothing ever worked out, but they're good. Nobody gives a shit in Italy they know my dick movie. Let's go back to the fucking nitty gritty here. How much was the penis implant? How much did penis implant is. It's 3,500 per injection. You're supposed to get two series of injections. I went three, but they gave me a discount because I made the movie. And that's why I have what is un. Unusually thick. You're supposed to have two. I went three times and the third time you got more. You don't know how much you're getting every. It's like a Hulk serum situation. Yeah, this is how. This is how super villains are made. Was there any side effects from the third injection? No, it's just too. Come on, you know, it's. No, there must have been something. Was it. Did it feel weird to pee or something? No, no side effects other than when I went to New Orleans is right after that. You probably know you got this done in New Orleans? No, I got it done in Mexico. But the guy trust. But he tra. No, he trains in Brazil. My God, you got beans in your burrito, dude. If there was ever a time to travel to Africa for plastic surgery. I don't know if I go to Mexico. It's actually been quite good. Not to mention when they finally cut his dick open and get their cocaine back, they're going to be furious. That's right. Ock. Mule. Oh my God. Oh, you wake up, it's gonna be big. We promise. We ended up going with three shots. You have the dick of a mule. Amazing. Bergman. Amazing. Greg Bergman. What's your love life like? Did you have a girl when you were getting these injections? I was married. I got these injections. Yeah. How did that end? Divorce. Yeah. But not because of it. Actually, she liked it more than before. Something. Well. Well into another episode of no fucking shit. Yeah. Yeah. But I think the kind of. Maybe it was the kind of person who would do that. She may. You know, she left me, so. Yeah. Why? Why do you think she left you? Did she leave you for another man? No, no, she left me. The movie was. Got a little bit too much. It's taken a lot of. Also I had my dad. It's not. That's not funny. My dad, schizophrenic, used to die in la, you know, live on the street and was insane. And. And I do draw, you know, not anymore, but I used to love drug, you know. What kind of drugs? Just, you know, Coke. Give us 33 more reasons why she left you. Yeah. You're really unwinding. Yeah. Yeah. We grew apart. Just say like grew apart. I think it's the best way to say amazing. You grew apart? Yeah, naturally grew. Naturally grew apart. No injections, nothing to do with grew apart. Wow. Like her vag hole grew apart after she him for the first time. Exactly. I'm kind of blown away. Yeah. Yeah. This is really fascinating to me. Isn't it amazing? I cannot stop looking at his dick. It is. For those of you listening, wondering why it seems like we're all kind of staring. It does look like. That's a fun thing. It's like Pinocchio during COVID wearing a mask. And you're like, I still know your Pinocchio. Yeah, it does. He looks like he has one of those like really good steakhouse baked potatoes in his pan. One of those fully loaded with the sour cream, chives, bacon, twice baked with a little extra added. Wow. You ever seen a Fupa Fupa? It's like a baby fupa. It's like just on a fupa. Yeah, it's like a fubu. Fupa. Because it's black, because it's thick. Speaking of which, we have a kill. Tony, big joke book that just so happens I'm not kidding. To have King Kong a giant gorilla on the front. What, better than me? Thank you very much. I liked the opening joke. I didn't understand you talking about your big dick, but if you're gonna do sand, stand up. I agree. You should have jokes about getting a penis implant. You should hit it on the nose. There he goes. Greg Bergman, everybody. Wow, what an interview. What an interview. That is the first fake dick on the show that also happens to have a penis implant. I have ones that make it long, by the way. Is everybody good out there? You guys having fun? It's kind of like a crowd's never really been brought together all at one time yet. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's El Eliezer Guzman. Eliezer. I know I'm saying that wrong. Guzman, everybody. Hey, everybody. Tellazar. Again. I. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight, so I. I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive. Tell them I miss them. Yeah, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell on a lime scooter about a month ago and I fell on my right hand and I couldn't use it for a while and it made things awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk, I was drunk, so we made out. She was like, I want you to finger me right now. But all I had was my left and the best way I could describe it. You ever try to plug your charger in the dark? Like, I could have sworn the holes are right here. If you didn't get that, you're European. Elazar. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome back. You've been on this show before. I remember, because your name is hard to pronounce. Yes. Elazar. What is that again? It's Jewish. Oh, wow. All right. I'm not Jewish though. You have a Jewish name. You're just trying to make it in showbiz. Yeah, well, my mom's Puerto Rican, so she was just trying to help, you know what I mean? Nice. What's your dad? My. My dad is Peruvian. Okay. All right. Look at that. Unbelievable. Elazar. What does it mean? Does it mean Something. It means God has helped. God is helped. Has helped. God has helped. Yeah. Not with your set, obviously. How long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing it 12 years. 12 years. Wow. That's the funniest thing you said all night. Where have you been doing it? New Jersey. New York. All over the country, in my bedroom. How long were you doing stand up in New York? About 10 years. Did you like it? Yeah, I liked it a lot. You love it. How long ago did you move to Austin? I moved here about a year and nine months ago. Okay. What do you do for work? I work as a chef and I work as dispensary. So I work at a dispensary. Okay. All right. What kind of chef are you? I make burgers. Yeah, Burgers. He really, really helped his title there with chef. Yeah, I make burgers. Yeah. Where are we making burgers? I work at nadc, but I'm trying to expand, do my own thing. Nice. That's a good thing to say to Philip. Yeah. We're all friends with the owner of nadc. It is an unbelievable burger. In fact, it's almost too good. It makes you want to go to sleep afterwards. It's like heroin. It's absolutely incredible. What? Okey dokey. Yeah. I think I was cool because that was. He's like the first mass shooter vibe we've had of the night. Yeah. And to get someone from the crowd with the same vibe shouting out was cool. Yeah. I said, heroin. And that guy said, yannick. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Anyway, now we got his dealer's name. Was this primarily newer stuff you were working on tonight? Yeah, it was. Yeah. I was thinking for 12 years, I would. I would love to hear, like, a old joke that, you know, works. Yeah. You have, like, one of your favorite jokes that you could just do just to show us how funny you are. I could do that. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his old jokes. Make some noise for Elazar, everybody. Here we go. I've been going to therapy lately. Had a weird situation. My real father was a criminal, and my stepdad was a little person. So I had no one to look up to. What a lot of comics in the middle of each other go, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go ahead, go ahead. When I met him, I was just five years old, and he was just a little bigger than me. And my mom was like, this is your new stepdad. I was like, My stepdad is 7 years old. And it gave me weird confidence because he used to hit me. Yeah. And even When I was little, I was like this bigger kid hits like a bitch. But what really messed me up is I met him when I was five. So I just started school that year and I was getting bullied at recess. So I was like, wow, those kids really meant it when they said they were gonna fuck my mom. Wow. Wow, look at that. Do that next time. You would think he would have done that in front of the millions of viewers, but he's just out here balling out of control, trying brand new stuff. Yeah. Probably a game it on this podcast. You're like the guy in the orgy just jerking off in the corner going, nah, I'll do it myself. I. I don't want to come too quick the first time. So I'm going to do this, I'm going to unload one and then I'm coming in. Yeah. Is your stepfather really a little guy? No, a. Just lie to me next time. Yeah, he's just five, six, an Italian. Yeah. Elazar, tell us something crazy about your life that we would never get. Guess about you. I. I grew up Jehovah's Witness. Yeah. I used to be really fat. Used to be like £300. How Dick is your dick? That's the big question of the night. How did you lose the weight? How did I lose weight? I stopped drinking for like four months. Oh, how much were you drinking? It turns out I wasn't fat. I was just a drunk piece of. So were you drinking all day all throughout the day? Pretty much every day. What were you drinking? Gravy? Yeah. IPAs, mostly. IPAs will do it. IPAs are a whole thing. Amazing. So Jehovah's Witnesses can't have medicine, right? No, that's Christian Scientists. Oh, my bad. Jehovah's Witnesses don't have birthdays. Yeah. So how do you show up in this world, Bert? Philosophically, they can't have a birthday. They are born. So did you not celebrate a birthday for a long time? No. Literally, my mom would be like, it's a special day today. And I'd be like, what is it? She's like, I can't tell you. Check your birth certificate. And that would literally be it. Yeah. Yeah. So you didn't get presents? I didn't get presents or nothing. No, it's just. I got used to it. Did you have cake? So did Tina Turner. Jesus Christ. What an abusive fucking thing. It's a special day today, bitch. All right, Check your birth. When's the first time you celebrated your birthday? I was 17. A bunch of My friends who are trying to get. Make me stop being a Jehovah's Witness. I bet they. They were like, hey, we're all going to be at a bridge somewhere where you can preach to us. And I showed up to the bridge and they. Yeah, yeah. They had a 30 pack of beers and they were like, happy birthday. Wow. What a surprise party slash intervention. So something like, surprise, surprise for what? Your birthday. Oh, shit. I'm getting the fucking full bukkake. Yeah, it's a great intervention when your friends bring you a 30 pack of beer. First time. Is your family still Jehovah's Witness? Yeah, my mom's really into it. Yeah. Damn, that's. Wow. I mean, she's. She's. She's still awesome. She's. She's a great mom. So remember the part where she didn't give you birthday present? Yeah. Great mom. My uncle was really cool, man. He had the softest fingers in the world. Old silky Uncle Dave. Yeah. So she gave you a Jewish name and no presence. That's up. Wow, that's incredible. Yeah, my birthday was pretty weird when I was born. When is your birthday? Now I'm curious. August 21, 1990. August 21. Yeah. I was born premature, so my lungs didn't work. So the doctors told my mom that I was probably going to die. And she prayed to God and she said, if my son lives, I will give him to you. And because I lived, she named me Elazar. So that's why my name is. That's kind of cute. Wow, that's incredible for her to come all this way and see him die on stage before the big comeback. Elizabeth, he rose again. Elazar, you did it. It was a rough minute, but then you did a good minute. So it's a medium joke book tonight. Keep signing up. Oh, Elazar almost went off the chest. Right off the chest. God did not help him catch that joke book. There goes Eleazar, everybody. All right, we're having fun here. We're cooking. We heard you. Nine years of bring back the snack wrap and you've won. But maybe you should have asked for more. Say hello to the hot honey snack wrap. Now you've really won. Go to McDonald's and get it while you can. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard, it's terrifying. Trust me, I know. When I started this podcast, I wasn't even sure what I was doing. What if no one listens? What if I make a fool out of myself? Ooh. What if no one buys my product books. Now I know that I was right and believing in myself and launching my podcast despite all the fears and hesitation. It also helps when you have a partner like Shopify and Red Band on your side to help Tony. I love Shopify. It's the best business tool out there. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. From household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands that are just getting started. That's right, tits. The best thing that you could possibly be part of. Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build beautiful online stores that match your brand style. Plus get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com kill tony go to shopify.com kill tony that's shopify.com kill tony shopify.com kill tony tony shopify.com hey shopify.com Kill tony that's right, she can talk and so can we. Go to shopify.com kill Tony. And here we go. Three word name. Your fourth bucket bowl of the night is Sharon Ruth Hensley. Everybody, here comes Sharon Ruth. Good evening, Kill Tone honey. People, take two. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley and I have two helpful hints for the male of our species to better interact with me. 1. If you insist on mentioning your penis Tony more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take and inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience be aware in Texas and a handful of other states it is against the law. I find them amusing. So I will allow it if and only if you follow these guidelines. Well lit, head to toe, nude, fully erect, holding a 16 ounce bottle adjacent for size comparison. Thank you. Jesus fucking Christ, Sharon. What the fuck was that dude? Well, here's the deal, Tony. After the last time I figured out that I, being a naturally born female, cannot ever possibly say something at all funny. So I should say something that would make my life easier when the onslaught of like your 10,000, you know, male followers. 10,000 male followers. 10,000. Wow, the big 10,000. Yeah. Let's check in with Rick Ingram here. The first thing is we gotta send her a pic of that thick dick from earlier? Yeah, no doubt about it. We gotta get that correct. We're gonna have to scan it on a printer. Cause it's not gonna be on an iPhone. There was so much insanity throughout that set. Do you. Was the implication that I've mentioned to you my penis when I was on last time? You did mention your penis twice. So I changed the sentence. What was like. What was the context of me mentioning my penis? It was just how hard you were or not one time was not so much one time. Time was really hard. What. What was. What were we talking about at the time? Which. The first time was probably my set. The second time was that I'd shot somebody. Anthony Hinch, I think you're a little bit out of context here, but no doubt about it. I mention my penis very rarely. But no, you did mention. Was it a he? Ha. Did people go haha afterwards? Sharon. Do they make that wacky noise that you don't understand how it gets made? This is one of that thing right there. You hear that? That wacky noise? You hear that? I went ahead and changed the subject and asked if you were circumcised. And some people were like, they got it and they thought it was hilarious. And then some people were like, that came out of nowhere and I was like, no, he mentioned his penis. So I'm allowed to ask if he's circumcised. Okay. Sharon. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Tony. Did you guys date at any point? Oh God. Sharon Ruth, that you have three words to your name and not that many punchlines at all. This is incredible. When you were in high school, did you like tell people you were like a cat or something like that? Yeah, that's a great question. You do have those energies. I'm really a cat. My boyfriend's an energy vampire. He's gonna be a librarian for 300 years. Are you doing comedy other places? I am. Where? Where? Like, what are you doing? How often do you try this? I. I did comedy in Spain last year. It was pretty cool. Well, they probably couldn't understand you either. They have a pretty big English speaking comedy scene. Uh huh. Actually. All right. Wow. Are you like the last guy? Like, do you have like different jokes that are better than whatever you plan to do here tonight that nobody understood? No, I am technically more of a storytelling comic and like a minute is kind of hard. Wow. We'd love to hear a 25 minute banger from Sharon Ruth Hensley, but wow. I think we're gonna have to keep. No, the main, the Main reason I wanted to come on is so last time. So I have a major anxiety disorder. And last time I almost did pass out on stage. Nobody could tell. Oh, we should have been so lucky. This time it's not that much better. I was hoping it, like, the nerves would go down a second time, but it's just. It's really hard, I think. Was it, Was it. I, I felt like you were nervous running through that. Yeah. You felt like a hologram. Well, no, I wanted to get it in, in a minute. Like, I, I respect the minute timeline. I. No, no, no. I think you're looking at comedy the wrong way. Respect the joke and then make it, like, don't try to cram it into a minute. I think that's where the disconnect was, was, is slow it down and, and find your pacing because it did feel rushed. I don't want to be shitty because I, I've been nervous on stage and tore through material before, but I'll be shitty. You could have done that. You could have pumped the brakes on that and done it so slow that it took 20 minutes to get through that. And it's still. There's not, there's not a funny, unidentifiable moment. I got, I did, I did it very intentionally. It is funny to certain select people. Who are these people? Where are they? Yeah. Can I suggest trying to perform to maybe the Kill Tony audience? Maybe them. No. What I wanted to tell your audience from last time, so I am not a person. Oh, God, Sharon. No, no, no. No one care. Like, what's her name? Karen Roof. Sharon Roof. Sharon. Sharon Hensley. What do you want to tell the Kill Tony audience? Sharon, I don't know if you think this is going to get any better for you. I am not a person who would do well in jail. I do know from experience, so I should not be talking about things on stage until those pesky statute of limitations run out. There's no statute on attempted murder, so I should not have mentioned that last time. Okay, wait, so possible we could get her arrested tonight and then maybe. Sharon Ruth, you just mentioned it again. Do you know that? No, I know. Like, I'm like, well, I already made the mistake. Like, let me lay into it. There's something very melodic about her voice when she starts to lose it. And it's like, I, I, I, I feel like one of those Spanish people right now going like, I get it, you know? And I got your movie. I actually liked it. All right, Sharon, did you get a little joke book last time? You got a little joke book before, I'm guessing? No, I got a big one. Because of the interview, because the audience demanded it. All right, Sharon. Sharon, you get nothing this time. There goes Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. Good Lord. Unbearable. You've upset Tony's penis. Unbearable. Very good. A joke by Red Ban, everybody. There you go. There she goes. She. Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. With the patented last one, last crazy glare in the eyes. Little eye contact for everybody. Oh, my God. That's exciting. Yeah, Sharon. It might be time for Sharon to take a break from signing up. All right, we have a regular that's gonna sage the room right now. He is the newest force of nature regular here on Kiltoni. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. What's up, guys? I hate the Greyhound. I'm so glad I don't go take the Greyhound no more. One time, a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I'll say it again. A nigga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I caught him is because my wallet was in my hoodie. Cause it was cold out and I felt that n big toes scrape across my tummy. And then while I awoke, that shit was right there in between his thumb toe. I don't know what you call it, but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker. And he got strong legs. He got nice legs. Cause you know how, like, daredevil, his eyes don't work, so his ears is stronger. So this, his arms is his legs. So when I tried to grab that shit, I had to, like, tug a. You know, I had to tug a war with this nigga. Then I started wrestling my wallet away. He talk about you cheating. You cheating. Cause I had to use my arms and my legs get it away. It's just when I finally got it, I stood up with my wallet, and he stood up with me. But he was wearing a hoodie, too, with no arms. His arms was dangling. So when he stood up, he was like, what are you gonna do, snitch? I was like, no, nigga, we still got eight hours on this bus. I can't snitch. How dare you? Cause the other thing is, when I ride the Greyhound, I got my gun on me. And they tell you, you can't ride with your gun. You won't get in trouble. Go to court. Go to court. If you tell judge, like, why'd you have your gun? I was like, I want a Greyhound and I got all of my teeth. They'll be like, acquitted every Single time. Cause if I had woken up and that nigga had stole my wallet with my gun, Ain't nobody going. Ain't nobody going nowhere until I buy my Transformers Velcro wallet. I got a Velcro wallet. Cause I want people to hear me. At least try to pay for something. Everybody within 8 to 10ft. When you hear that sh. You like he did it best that he could. That's my time, y'. All. Wow. A new two minutes from Dedrick Flynn. Twice as long as Sharon ruth Hensley did. 29 more verifiable punchlines, lines. Absolutely incredible. Dead 17 less hexes, though, unfortunately. Dedrick, that is fantastic. Great chat. Right? Great job. I love Greyhound material. Yeah. Not enough people have reading Greyhound to know just how sketchy that is. It's an apocalypse. Like, you know when they drop the nukes and they have, like, a center where everybody me. That's what the Greyhound is. You don't know what year it is based on what niggas is wearing. When you get out of prison, they give you a Greyhound ticket. Yes, they do. So, no. So you sit. The majority of the people on that bus just got out of prison. Yeah, it's. I took Greyhound from Tallahassee to Tampa all the time. Wow. I remember when Biggie's album came out, I had headsets and a. And a tape player, a CD player, and a dude had just got out of prison. He was like, what are you listening to? I was like, notorious Big Goes. Can I see your headsets? And that was it. They were his. That's why you gotta have a gun, Bert. You gotta have it. Hell, yeah. We all get robbed on a Greyhound of emotion. Bottles get passed around on grid. Oh, yes, they do. Experience. You feel bad. The people are mostly vagabonds and drifters. But everyone on a bus, no matter where you are, looks like they're from Albuquerque. Yeah, it is a certain type. Definitely a table from Albuquerque. Yeah, I stand by what I said. No, they. They look like that. Don't let them get on your bus and go back Armadillo people. That's right, Dedrick. So you've taken the Greyhound quite a lot. Not no more. But I did before. Well, yeah, we know. Not anymore. It hurt. Yeah, it hurt in here. Like when you get on there and you got more teeth than everybody combined. When I was on the Greyhound. I know. Noticed I was the only one with teeth. A nigga stole my wallet. Cause I was there in Tory on the Great Highway. You feel too poor. Don't wanna ride that shit. No more on the great how on a Greyhound. A Greyhound don't ride no more Greyhound. Well, I build two boy on a Greyhound with the mess, the killers and the needles lie they owe you money. Greyhound owes you money. Greyhound owes you money. They just have to get use that as a commercial. They just have to own who they are and roll with it. They know. They know. They don't even have an intercom in the Greyhound. One time, one time I went to the Atlanta Greyhound, which is the scariest place on earth. I literally cannot imagine. The entire city of Atlanta scares me. It seems like the. The Greyhound station would be too much. And it's right outside of the strip club. So the great like the poor is terrifying. And I walked up to a lady, I said, when is the bus to Charlotte? Right? I looked at her and she was looking at me and she went, the bus to Charlotte leaves in 32 minutes. What did you say? I was like, don't yell at me. I'd rather be on Frontier, nigga. I hate Frontier. You know, Atlanta Greyhound Station is dangerous. When Dedrick is the safest person there, everyone else looks exactly like John Dees does right now. Down. You had your ski mask. You. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You have it all figured out. John at a comedy show, he's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go. There it is, everybody. You know why he got it right? Doesn't work. The joke doesn't work because we told him that if the power went out, we was going to start looting. Oh, yeah, because we got to make our kill Tony money somewhere. Like, I don't. Right? I don't steal, but I loot. You know what I'm saying? No doubt about it. It. No doubt about it. There's group synergy is different. Yeah, I mean, is the Greyhound in Atlanta right? By Magic City? Yes, it is. I've been to that Greyhound. Wow. You know exactly where the greyhounds. Yeah, yeah, I was just there. Wow. At the Greyhound or at the Greyhound? You know, you got money, you don't have to be there. My father in law doesn't. Up. He called you. Come get me now. And Magic City has the best wings in town. Yes, they do. The lemon pepper. Shout out to Magic. Shout out to Magic City, Atlanta, Georgia. Oh, my God. Dedrick, your set was absolutely incredible. Very good, very good. Can I tell you, just like, there's such an energy. It's almost like watching good ice skaters. Like when you came up, you kind of owned it. Well, it's like, you know, when you watch ice skating, someone's not enjoyable at all. Ever, you mean, hey, Bert, what's an ice skater? You're the opposite of ice skaters in that we've all enjoyed it before. What are you watching? Ice skating. How do you enjoy that? No, but it's like, when you see someone come out confident, you're like, oh, this is gonna be okay. I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked into music. Music, and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comic. Yeah, you have it, man. Yep. A rising star, ladies and gentlemen. Also, a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign of a black guy that you're doing it right. Come on. Yep. Come on, man. Thank you so much. That guy. That guy rode the greyhound here. The actual big dog. Everybody rode the actual natural dog with this cowboy. No, we better go get him. Yeah, get you. One more time for the great Dedrick Flynn. Wow. Seems like a comedy show again. Completely cleanse the room of Sharon Ruth Hensley's nasty, nasty attitude. Tony, last time I was on, you talked about your pee penis in a comedic way. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Zach Townsend, everybody. Here we go. How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one. You know, I kind of see them as the same thing. You know, they're both dangerous, and whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? You know? And I'm like, no, no. I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No. Yuck. Get my fingerprints off it. You know, I feel like guns are a lot like kids, too, because all the worst people I know hold their sideways. You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money, or like, baby hanging off the hip at Walmart. You know, some white woman in Cookie monster pajama bottom, even though the sun is still up. Come on, you guys have been to Houston before. You know what I'm talking about. The tears are going this way. I feel like guns are a lot like kids, too. Cause whenever I see one out in the street, I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now? You know, And I. I don't know about you guys, but whenever I'm on Facebook, I see a new article of like a female teacher banging their younger male students. We gotta pay these teachers more money, right? So this. So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age. Because it's super easy to whine and dine a 15 year old. You just say six, seven, while you juggle their balls a little bit, you know? It's all right. I'm Zach. Thank you, guys. Wow. Wow. Zach Townsend. Amazing, Zach. Thank you. Thank you. Tony, how long you been doing stand up? Eight years. Fuck yeah. Where at? I live in Nashville, Tennessee. Awesome. We love Nashville. Thank you. What got you down to Austin this week, man? By Burt Kreischer. Actually, I was opening for him at the Moody Theater. Oh. On Thursday. Friday, yeah. Amazing. He crushed. I love it. It is. I was like. I was like, man, you better do good. Love that it was you crushed, man. You're. I think you're hysterical. I think you're so talented. That's absolutely incredible. I had no idea that you had anybody here, that anybody even signed up. We got lucky that there. Yeah. I was supposed to go home last night, but then the. The ice is crazy and the weather's bad too, and. Yeah, that's the best version of that joke. Look at that. That's incredible. Yeah. And then so I stayed. Amazing, Zach. So have you lived in Nashville your whole life? No, I'm from Connecticut originally. Okay. And I started comedy in Tampa. Tampa. Hell yeah. Yeah. I love. He's sober right now. He's not drinking because he's getting married. Married. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm also sober, like, for my career too, but. Yeah. How long have you been sober for? Since December 29th. December 29th. Yeah. Let me ask you this. Not that I'm counting or anything, you know. Geez. Let me ask you this, because game recognized game. What exactly did you do on December 29th for your going away last hurrah? How hard? Second tell. Tell two truth. Tell two lies in the truth. And we got to guess which one. Okay. What happened on December 29? Two lies in the truth. I went out to a bar with my friends. I went out to a bar with my friends. Or I got blacked out on wine and had my coke dealer come over there and accidentally did ketamine. I. I'm guessing. No, I'm guessing all three are the truth here, actually. Take us through it. So you got. You got drunk on wine? Yeah. It was supposed to be just a chill night. Like, my friend just had a baby and they came over and then the baby came over too. The Baby was over too. There's like a picture of me, like, drunk, hanging the bed. I was like, oh, they're never gonna. You're holding the baby side. I was like, give it to me. You know? Disgusting. Make this a joke. Yeah. Hey, can I blow on his stomach? That's a little low, Zach. Someone bring me a gun. I was holding it sideways, and it was awful. I've always wanted to try this. Amazing. So then you had a little Pulp Fiction moment. You thought you were doing cocaine, but it turned out to be ketamine. Yeah, well, I think one of my buddies told me it was ketamine, and I just was, whatever. It's my nose. Who cares anymore at this point, you know? How did that make you feel? I don't know much about ketamine, but from what I do know, it seems like being extremely drunk off of only wine would mix very oddly with that. Yeah, I don't remember much, if I'm being completely honest, like, how it made. There is, like, video. I went outside to get cigarettes from my car and busted my ass trying to get back in. And there's, like, video on the rig camera from my fiance being like, hey, you fucking. You want to see this? And I was like, no, I'm good, actually. I don't. I don't want to. Really? I woke up, my hand is all fucked up. I was like, ah, fuck. Can you please, please grab that video and post it? Yeah, I felt. I felt drunk after. I felt drunk into a potted plant and hit my head and knocked myself unconscious. And it got 5 million views. Amazing. So, Zach, you make all your money doing stand up comedy? Yeah, Yeah, I do stand up and sketch comedy, too. I love it. What does the future wife do? She's a private. I don't know if she's, like, works for, like, the government. Okay. Yeah, perfect. They're doing a lot of good things. Yeah, she makes all the decisions in my household. Yeah. Is she in charge of wrangling or anything like that? Yeah, you should see our crawl space. It's actually quite packed right now. Zach, you are so funny. Where can you people find your stuff? On Instagram at Zack Townsend Underscore and on paid vacation comedy on YouTube. Yeah, we did a sketch. We actually did a sketch about Kill Tony. I don't know if you saw it. Was it the. The video game? That was. Yeah, that was so awesome. Yeah, I thought you guys are awesome. We're like, yeah, okay. We loved that so much. Literally, like, our favorite thing. We were. We sent it to each Other and everything and all around. Absolutely hilarious work. I think you guys should make the video game, too. I mean, I think you guys are leaving some money on the table. Everybody's hitting me up about it. They're like, it should be a real thing. I absolutely agree. We've talked about it before. Could totally be down the line. How long are you in town for now? I leave tomorrow. Yeah, I got shows this week, so I gotta try to get back. If I can get back home tomorrow, I've got to try to get back home. Amazing. Well, we. How about. How about you come back when next time we do the Bridgestone arena in Nashville and do a spot on there. Oh, and absolutely love to do that. I would love to do that. Yeah. Follow this man at Zack Townsend and repost the video game sketch and tag us in it and we'll repost it. So funny. Thank you guys so much. Appreciate it. One more time for Zach Townsend, everybody. That's crazy. You just picked him out. Hell, yeah. Great stuff, man. All right, we're having fun now. Look at this cooking on the back half of this episode that l starting with that adorable monster of a lady. Oh, my God, it's incredible. And who could forget Big Vinnie? Greg Bergman's fake Elazar deciding to do a brand new untested minute in front of 5 million people. Sharon Ruth Hensley. And then the tables turned. Let's see if we can keep the momentum as the bucket has decided that up next comes Angel Diaz, everybody. It. Hell yeah. Yo, yeah, Gig. Yo, give it up for myself one time. Hell yeah. I actually have a real life question. Is anyone in here subletting a room? Me, bro. God damn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right, well, it's because I have to move out of my apartment. Like, really bad. Like, all right, this is a text message thread between, like, me and my landlord. I had to write it down. All right, this is what I said. I said, Mr. Landlord. No, I said, Mr. Landlord, man, can you please come tomorrow between 10:00am and 1:00pm to fix the AC unit it? And this is what he said. He said, you short little Mexican man. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He ain't say that. He didn't say that. He said, I am doing a live stream set on the radio. Please. Oh, please tune in online and I will come around for you. Won't believe who the fuck is a dj. Oh, damn. Yo, yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah, yo, give it up for me. I just did good. Angel Diaz. Yeah. Oh, the old butt slap of Angel Diaz. Yeah. He opened and closed the little ass slap. I love it. Yeah. Bringing the right energy. Yeah. Yeah. Swagger and confidence and stage presence unlike almost anyone that's been up here. Oh, yeah. You know, I'm a good guy. I don't know what else the. Do I say what else? Wow, look at you, Angel. How old are you? I just turned 26 last week. Yo, give it up for 26. Okay. They don't have to give it up for everything. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, Angel. This is like if Rage against the Machine where it's a homeless guy. Yeah. Feel like he's going to make noise for every question I ask. Hey, give it up for working at a vape store. What do you do for work, Angel? Yo, I. I have no job job whatsoever. No, no. Yeah. I have no job. How do you. How do you survive, Angel? Take us through a day in the life. So. All right, so I've been going out of state to go steal. Oh, this is amazing. Yeah, Give it up for stealing. Okay. There you go. He's got many. Give it up for him being so thoughtful. At least go out of state. Yeah, there's the. A third butt slap. Sell it while you're still in the other state. You don't want to cross state lines. Just a little advice. What did you just say? Perfect. Nailed it. Angel. So do you really make money stealing? Well, not. Not really, but kind of. Well, if I steal anything, like, it's for myself, but, like, if you need bounty, I mean, I don't know, like, that's like the type of I'm stealing, you know, like. Like paper towels? Yeah, it's bad. Can you give us an example of some tough sometimes, sometime that you've stolen something? Like, well. Well, allegedly. Oh, you are a natural, Angel Diaz. I might bring you back just for interviews. What I like is he said bounty, which is a. A way of saying amount of money for something, but he actually meant paper towel. Yeah, no, yeah, exactly. He's definitely going to California to do this, right? What was that? The California. Yo, I, I, I. Yo, I don't know what this guy is telling me. I'm sorry. I can't hear him too well. You're okay. Give it up for California. Okay, Angel, So take us through it. Allegedly. All right, so, yeah, you know, so I. I'll, like, pick up, like, maybe three things that. Yo, am I going to go to jail for this? No. No way. You are protected. This is a comedy show. And everything is a joke. Yeah, but like, nothing. Nothing leaves this room. Yeah, there's. But like. Like, what if they catch. Like, what if they catch me on camera? You know what I'm trying to say? Like, it's like, yo, this is you. And, like, this is you talking about. I got good news, Angel. I got good news for you. Everybody that's ever stolen anything looks exactly like you. So there's no way you can get in trouble for this. Keep going, Angel. Tell us about the amazing work of the bounty hunter Angel Diaz now. Yes. I'll just walk in and then, like. Like, I'll just like, I'll walk out with like, a whole bunch of bounty and then, like, I'll sell it to, like, the first person who needs bounty in their house, you know? Like, is anyone subletting a room? Hold on, Angel. Seriously though, have you really stolen bounty paper towels? Well, it's between bounty and spray paint. And so, like, I can't. Honestly, I really can't talk about it too much cuz, like, right now I have like, an open case. Wait, Angel. Absolutely. Stop talking about it. We thought you were talking about allegedly. Y. Well, let's just talk. By the way, I would just argue that if you talk to the judge, I think she's going to let you go. I don't know. Yeah, all right. Yeah. No, can I just walk off now? No, no, no. You are like a go. Yeah, we might keep you here all night. We're like porn directors and this 18 year old girl just showed up and goes, I don't know, my dad. We're like, all right, this is incredible. Angel Diaz. So what exactly. You can talk about this. What exactly is the open case for right now? Well, all right, honestly. All right, well, it's for. It's for graffiti because I got caught and like, so pretty much it's like this. It's like, well, allegedly, they saw me. He's got two catchphrases. A butt slap. And allegedly, yo, I'm gonna do the butt slap on my way out. And it better be funny. I don't know. But so, yeah, pretty much they call me like, on camera. Like the nypd, they call me on camera pushing like an old graffiti writer. And they were like, yo, this is you. And then like, this is you pushing the old man. And. And like, I. I couldn't deny I'd be like, no. I don't know. That picture seems a little blurry. So, like, I. That's pretty much what I've been up to. Yo, so how you so how. Yeah, I got. What's your name? No, I don't know. I'm sorry. So, angel, don't ever change. No, I'm sorry. Yeah, don't. Perfect. Put him in a jar. Let's keep it. I know. I want to hire him like it's a bug. I want to hire him and just waking up every morning on the tour bus and go, we need bounty and spray paint. Angel, I love Rick's idea. Put him in a mason jar and just show him off. Hold on. If you shake. If you shake him a little bit, he slaps his butt. Look, Angel Diaz. So you give it up for air holes. Yo, can. Can. Yo, can I have that water? Water, yo. Is there any chance you guys could crack that water? Oh, yes, please. Have a delicious water. Angel Diaz, what is your living. Wow. Oh, my goodness. See, that wouldn't. That. You wouldn't have gotten wet if. I wish I had a family right now. I'm a little wet. Angel, angel, what is your living situation in Austin, Texas, right now? Do you live here now? Now? Well, like. Well, no, allegedly, like. Well, I kind of stay with my sister when, like, when she and she just had a baby, so I can't really stay there. Is anyone subletting a. I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop saying that. I'm sorry. But seriously, you live with your sister? Yeah. Where? She lives in Austin? Yeah. North Austin. How long have you been in Austin? Like, Wednesday. Since last Wednesday. Where did you come from? From New York City. New York. How did you. How did you get here? I. You. I took a plane, bro. Like, what the hell I did. Well, no, there's been a lot of talk of Greyhound buses tonight. And if anybody that I know from this episode belongs on a Greyhound bus, buddy, it's you. By the way, the judgment he showed towards the other kill Tony guy for being on the Greyhound bus just now. Yeah. So up go Tony. Who the do you think I am, man? I took a spirit flight, dude. Yo, I literally took a spirit flight. No. Do you remember your boarding position by any chance? Yo, I was D26. Oh, my God. That's pretty much last, right? I can't imagine what the guy behind you looked like. Okay, has anybody seen my pants? Dude, the guy behind me stole my wallet with his feet. All right. Do you date? Do you date? Yeah. Yeah. Yo, wait, can I shout my girlfriend out? Nope. Yeah, sure. Could I? Yeah. Someone bleep it out. Yo, shout out Johanna Vaughn. Okay, I'm sorry. I should have never said that. There you go. She is now under arrest. Deep Madness is actually going to bang her right now. You are fucking gold. Okay, so, angel, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? So I met her at. At a park. And yo. But it was crazy the way I did meet her, though. So I saw her smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes, and then I was like. So I went to the store. Are you okay? We're watching a legend. Was she sitting in the park and you walked up and said, yo, I'm the quicker picker upper. Yes. Watch Free Bird out now on Netflix. I love this kid. I know. Me too. How much do you cost? We're not selling him today. I'll pay for this kid. Just to be around me all the time. Love. Yeah. Boom. Everybody loves. I'm going. Stop doing that. I'm serious. I'm going to stop. I love it, Bird. I can't wait to see the kind of trouble you get in when you purchase him straight up for $2,100. Very. I bet I could get him for 35 grand. More like 4,000. No doubt. He's a tough negotiator, Bert. He is Angel Diaz. 35,000. Keep your 31, Bert, a master negotiator. 35 grand. I'll do it for four. Is anybody leasing a room? Yeah, Angel Diaz will sleep in the gas tank of your torture bus, Bird. Hey, yo, just give me a. I don't even need the money. Just give me a can of spray paint. Paper towels, dude. I'll do art. I'll deck out your boss burnt. Okay, angel, so let's talk about it. What jobs have you had before? I can't imagine you really holding down anything at all. So I used to work at a halal. At a halal shop. Uhhuh. And then I worked at a top. Yo, are. Yo, are. Yo. Does anyone. Is anyone. Is anyone going to pick that glass up? Like, what is going on? He's like a goldfish. It's like anything that happens around him, he's like, yo, I better hope no one's barefoot, you know? Jesus Christ. You know? He better hope. He better hope. Better hope. Hold on and wait for this Hope. Is it coming? They. They better hope not. Hope. But he better hope. That was Obama's initial pitch. Better hope. Better hope. Angel, you are so naturally funny. How long have you been doing standup comedy? I've been doing it for, like, two years now. And, yo, actually, yo, if I had my phone, yo, last time I came to Austin, they were like, yo, never do. Never do comedy. In Austin, we hate your guts. And, like, I feel like, you know, yo, I. I can't even, you know, I don't want to. I don't know. I don't want to blow them up. I don't want. I don't want to. Are you serious? There's. There's something so magical about laughing at someone and not with them. Not too. Come on. I mean, so different. It hits different. His. His reactions to normal, everyday things are unbelievably funny. It's like crowd work I've never seen before. Are you serious? Is crazy. You better hope nobody's barefoot. Is insane. Like, these are things. I mean, Rick is a crowd where. God. But I'm not quite sure I've seen anything. Always dxing the audience, Rick. I mean, as a crowd work, Sith Lord, you must admit, I'll say this. I don't think most people should be allowed to do crowd work. But I also think we all have to hope that no one is barefoot out there. And to hear it said, I went, yeah, that makes sense. This guy's a master. Crushing water. I mean, this dude is doing it. Yeah. Even the way he hydrates his next look level. Yeah, he hydrates like he's very thirsty. Yeah, I am. I am very thirsty right now. I actually do want to walk off, but why do you want to walk off, Angel? I don't know. I just want to go home. But why? What are you. What are you going to do when you get home? What are you looking forward to? So, yo, actually, I got to watch the second half of Oppenheimer, so, like, I'm excited about that. Oh, my God. I would pay money to watch Oppenheimer with him. I can't even imagine. Yo, are they. Yo, they just split the atom, man. For real, Man, I hope nobody was barefoot in there. Dude, that's radioactive. Can you imagine going home and his sister and the baby sitting there while he watches Oppenheimer? Can you walk me through what you've seen in Oppenheimer so far? Yo, so I saw the. Yo. So I saw the part where they were like, oh, oh, I. So they were recruiting a whole bunch of guys, and then they were like, yo, maybe you're the one who could, like, help us really, like, build this. And they were like, yo, so who are we fighting against? And they were like, yo, the Nazis. And they were like, all right, BET let's just go fight it. Let's just go. All right, BET Gave it. So I think maybe a movie review podcast. Yes. Oh, my God. What's a movie that you finished recently, Angel Diaz. Oh, what's your favorite movie? Oh, okay. All right. My favorite movie is the. The Talahaga Knights. The world famous Tallahaga Knights. Everybody. You know it. You love it. Everybody's seen with old Larry. Bobby. You could not write this if you tried. You just give up. It is pure. This is absolutely incredible. Can you give us a little synopsis? Yeah, a little synopsis of Tallahaga Knights. Okay. So pretty much, it starts off with, like, a guy that, like, he's like a race driver guy. And then, like, a. Towards the end, he gets, like, his took. Yeah. Y. Yeah. And then he has to, like, kind of, like, stun on her, like, yo, I just came in number one. And then, like, the guy. But the guy is like, his best friend that took his. Keep that in mind. So he's like, keep that in mind. It's the name of the podcast that's coming back. Keep that in mind. It's just. Yeah. Wow, that's so good. I. I'm gonna. This interview has gone on too long, but I'm gonna ask, what's one more movie that you've seen? Like, what's a serious movie? Not a comedy. I want something serious. You ever seen Forest Gump? How would you explain Forrest Gump? So in Forrest Gump, I started off. No, I'm kidding. I was trying to be Forest, but now. All right, that was bad. I'm actually gonna walk off. Not. No, I've seen. Yeah, I've seen Forrest Gump. That was a question, right? What do you remember about Forrest Gump? That he was kind of a little stupid and then. But. But, yo. But somehow he was there for everything, you know? I'm trying to say, like. Like, I don't know. Like. Like, it was just like, yo, let's just have, like, this dumb guy as, like, a fly in the wall, you know? Like, that's pretty much the movie. Interesting concept. He's back. Do you know how that movie was sold? How? The pitch. This is a movie about a lucky. Wow. Swear to God. So they said in the room, and the guy goes, I'm in. I love it. Yeah. Amazing. That makes sense. Angel Diaz. I hate to do this. I've been doing this so often lately, and it's a real problem. The Internet's gonna hate me for this. I think Red band's furious. He's already groaning over here. But, angel, you are absolutely priceless, and you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here on Kiltoni. There you go. Boom. There's the butt slap. Come back again. Every. The whole world needs to slap. See you again. You're about as welcome as it gets in Austin, Texas, by the way. Angel Diaz. Holy. My God. He was real deal. Real deal where there's gonna be missing from now on around here, Tony. Right before he walked off, he goes. Right before he walked off, he goes, yo, can I throw this water in the crowd? And I went, no, no. Yeah, he is real trouble. Every once in a while you need a little. Add a little pepper to the mix, a little diablo sauce, if you will. Angel Diaz is the newest winner of. Wait. I'm getting word we the mothership is out of paper towels. Wait a minute. Wow. We somehow turned them into PCP in the back. All right, well, my sister's going to have a fun day when this comes out. Oh, God. Hey, yo, so check it out. Like, I have a reason to stay now. I'm going to leave my in New York and the court. I'm just not going to show up to court. I got a whole thing going on now. Court's not happening. Court's not happening. He's going to. He's going to avoid that case in New York City. All right, your next bucket poll. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next bucketful goes by the name of Andrew Lowe, everybody. Andrew. Yo, yo, yo, what's going on, y'? All? How's it going tonight? Yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y', all that I look like hyde from that 70s show. And, yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that, but, yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known scientologist. You know what I mean, guys? You know, because there's nothing worse than that, right, guys? Right now I'm just gonna need to do a couple rapes, though. He did do a couple rapes. So I just like to think that the guy that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while. Like, I love that 70s show. What's he been in? And I was like, I don't know. You probably. Probably not gonna see him in anything. Actually. You're probably gonna fucking see him in jail. You'll see him there. But, yeah, yeah. So don't really fuck with that. But you know what I do fuck with, though? I actually have a question, guys. I have a question for the audience. Be honest. Does anybody out here use the Coin Star? Has anybody used coin Star before it makes some noise? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Broke Ass bitches. I'm not talking shit though, because I'm a broke ass bitch, obviously. I'm a comic. Right, Right. But if you haven't used the coin star, if you don't know what it is, it's this fun little machine you'll find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart. Right. And you just bring all your saved up coins and you just. Andrew Low, everybody trying to get through. Do you have. Were you getting that towards the end there? Close, close. Ish. Now it's good though. Okay. All right. Okay, Andrew. Well, maybe it's just that Angel Diaz. We get angel back. Yeah, I did. I did request that angel, perhaps he might be back at it. What if we had Ang do the same material and see if. Do you have your material written down somewhere by any chance? Do I have material written down? Yeah, no, I got. I got it. Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to have just like he did with movie reviews, we're going to bring angel back and we're going to have him watch your set. And then he's going to give a synopsis of what you talked about. Is there any chance we have angel back there? Is Angel. Is angel still here? I think angel left. He's. We're getting word he's already finished up in Heimer. Ice. Gotta catch the end of it. ICE agents have taken him and decided to release him. The ICE agents love Angel Diaz. He might actually be the one that could solve all of the America's problems right now. Is angel here? Did he, wasn't able to get him. Okay, we have him. All right. He might already be in a fight in the alleyway right now, everybody. This is incredible. Andrew, how long you been doing comedy? Probably like three, four years, give or take three or four years. One thing I liked was you said, I don't know if you guys have seen the news, and then you told a joke about something that happened five years ago in the news. So that might not be the best intro into the Hyde raping. I mean, it was on the news recently, to be fair. He was. Yeah, just the trial thing, that was why somebody brought it up to me. Okay. I've gotten word, ladies and gentlemen, that they were able to retrieve Angel Diaz. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Angel Diaz. There he is, live in the flesh. A lot of people are saying, America's new favorite comic, one of the all time greats, a superstar, Angel. Here's what we're going to do. I Want you to stand back here between Michael Gonzalez and D Madness. We're going to. I want you to watch Andrew Low's set. Give me some notes. And then I want you to give, like you did with the movies, I want you to give a synopsis of what he talked about. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Andrew Lowe, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right, so let's get. Actually, let's really be honest, though, because I didn't hear enough people make some noise because I know. Yeah, yeah. Has anybody used the fucking coin star? Make some noise. Thank you to my fellow broke bitches out there. All right, so if you haven't used the coin star, like I was saying, it's this fun little machine you find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? And you walk up with your saved up box of coins or whatever the fuck you keep it in, right? And you just walk up and you, you. And that's the thing. It's so fucking loud. It just lets everybody know in the general vicinity that, you know, you're not really doing so good right now. Right, Right. Because nobody's using the coin star is like, oh, I saved up some coins. I'm going to get myself something nice. And yeah, yeah, no, no, no. It's me high as hell in my Nike slides. Just like, this needs to be $70 something somehow, or I'm totally shit out of luck. But it's not. It's like $40 minus three because there's a fee. And I'm like, are you kidding me? There's a fee? I'm down this bad and you're just gonna fuck me some more out here? And it's like, well, yeah. Cause you're still gonna take it like the good little coin slut that you are. Thanks, guys. This is my time. Appreciate it. All right, two sets for Mantrulo. Here's, here's. Here's the synopsis by Angel Diaz. Angel, step up to that mic and if. If. Let's say somebody hadn't seen what Andrew Low talked about, how would you describe it to them? Yo, pretty much this guy is broke as. So you said you were. You said you were collecting coins and taking them to Walmart. Like, bro, you are broke. Like, you know, he's like, at this point, like, the only thing you're trying to find is like, probably, you know, those old coins or something. I feel like that's like your lucky thing, you know? Should I flip? No, you know what? I just gave this guy a Kiss here you here. Thank you. I do. I do take. I do take it to the Walmart sometimes. HB it depends on how I'm feeling. By Angel Diaz. Angel, you know how to play any instruments. I just might make you like a band member full time or something. You know how to do anything. You know how to play like a. A Can I. Yeah, yo. Actually I do. I know how to play the. Is it. Yo, yo. I know how to play. I know how to play the double keyboard. No, not. No. You're not going to replace one of these guys. Going to be an addition to the band. Wait, wait. No one calls him the double keyboard. Only the double. I can play the double keyboard. Get your goddamn single keyboard the out of here. I don't know how to play that. It's called piano. I can play the piano. The best was the look around though. What do I play? Oh, of course. The most common instrument played by human beings. The double piano. Angel, you know what we're gonna give you is another can of delicious water. Bird, hand him that can of water. There you go. Let's open it away from me. This time you've earned it, Angel. Wow. Somehow. A completely uncarbonated can of water, by the way. Somehow. So much bounty. I'll say this too. Angel is such a good presence that Andrew Lowe's set got better and better. Yeah. And we got to hear the whole Coin Star thing and it made more sense. I'm like oh, this gave me good appreciate. We'll never know how many people were laughing at the Coin Star material. How many people in the room were slowly picking up on that. Angel literally has to lean in like that to be able to absorb. Is that also how you watch movies? Angel. Angel. Do you have to? Yes. I'm actually very blind. I have a 1320 vision. I don't know. I don't know what else. I'm sorry. I don't have no idea what else to talk about anymore. I don't know. I. At this point I'm just lying to everybody. Perfect. The fact that you've run out of material is absolutely perfect. Angel, I'm so glad I gave you a golden ticket. Amazing. It's going to be a real hoot nanny next time you're and every Tony he can't miss you found a full bodied oh, look at him. Was anyone else showed up in the same clothes Michael Jordan of something. There he is. Sound effects for days. Every time he does something, something happens. All right. Andrew Low. Fun times. Just for the sake of your entire stuff Upset being about or everyone thinking about Angel Diaz while you were up here. Here's a big joke book. There's. There's nothing that could. There's nothing that could. You had to be here for what happened before you. I think you got a golden ticket, Angel. It's a little better than a joke book. You want. Do you know what? The golden ticket? You got a joke. I'll give you a joke book. There you go. That was for a second. Hold on to those things, Angel. Don't go selling them to someone in an alleyway, Though. I could tell you're a real hustler, dude. I don't know how you survived. Can I get those cigarette bucks real quick? Is that. Make some noise. One more time for Angel Diaz and Andrew Low, everybody. There they go. Where's one more butts left? There goes Angel. All right, this has been a long episode, so this will be your final bucket pull of the night. And he goes by the name of Spencer Boone, everybody. Here comes Spencer. Spencer Boone. I like hot dogs, and my mom has a tramp stamp. You can forgive your mom for getting a tramp stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 in her third divorce. I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days. I don't like it. It's weird. It's weird and it's gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears and I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands and they're nailing tentacles. I'm a hypocrite, though. I grew up loving the Goofy movie. It's a great movie. I like hot dogs. I like hot dogs. All right. I'm Spencer Boone. Thank you so much. Ah, Spencer Boone. Very funny. Welcome. Thank you. Hey, how's it going? He's got a good. He's got great intro. I like hot dogs. Fits the face perfectly. Thanks. And the body. And the body. No doubt about it. Spencer, how long you been on stand up? Over six years now. Six years where at last three here. But I started in Virginia. Nice. What do you do for work? I work at a rock and roll and horror movie shop. Oh, sweet. Yeah. That's here. Yeah, there's one right here on 6th Street. Right down there. Yeah. Across from Balkan. Yeah, I still have not been there. I need to go in there. Yeah, we got a Bigger one in South Lamar. It's pretty sick. I love it. Hell, yeah. Yeah, I love that. You must get interesting people coming in there. Anything crazy ever happen there, man? A lot of dudes with autism coming in. Yeah. Be honest. Well, yep. Yeah. We also sell, like, toys and figures, so it's like Ninja Turtles and, like, you know, wrestling figures and stuff like that. And you meet the. You meet all sorts. Yeah. That's awesome. There's always a guy walking in like, I like turtles. And I'm like, yeah, I got you. Yeah. Hell, yeah. How long have you worked there? I started working there into 2023. Okay. Yeah, I like it. Hell, yeah. That's so. Out of all the dudes who come in and ask or say they like turtles, how many of them would you say are virgins? Oh, God, sadly, it's usually dudes with families. It's not a lot of virgins. Yeah. It's like, dudes come in with their kids, are like, we all like turtles. I'm like, hell, yeah. It's a family affair. Passing that on. Yeah. Collecting they don't need, you know. That's awesome. So do you have to know about all that to work there? To a degree. It helps to, like, know about movies and music because we have bands ranging from classic rock through, like, death metal. So it's like. It's also a merch store. So the more familiarized you are, the easier it is. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for fun, Spencer? Go to a lot of rock concerts? Concerts of any sort. Just live music in general. Love. Yeah. Favorite bands? Favorite bands. Yeah. Oh, as far as, like, which genre? Because that's kind of hard. Really? Anything. It's your favorite live shows. I'd say the Acacia Strain. Oh, they're here. They're here in the audience, ladies and gentlemen. That's my favorite metal band. But, I mean, last year I saw Wu Tang, and that was awesome. Okay. Yeah. Wu Tang. Run the Jewels. Wow. The people from Albuquerque love Wu Tang. It's incredible. Run the Jewels is the live. Yeah, they are. They were awesome. That was right there at Moody Center. It was sick. Yeah. Two rappers at once. Turns out it's like, twice as entertaining as one rapper. Yeah. And then Wuang's like, seven dudes. You're like, yeah, absolutely. I know when I'm surrounded by seven dudes, I get Sharon Ruth Hensley would call Hard as a rock. Okay. So Spencer Boone. You in love? No. Okay. Briefly. Dated a girl over the holidays and that ended up. But how did that end? Just wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. Right. You ended it. It was mutual. Like, we, neither of us were kind of, like, really looking for a relationship. At least I wasn't really. And kind of fell into it. Right. When you say you fell into it, what exactly does that mean? I work at a horror movie. Metal shop. Yes. You know, you meet a lot of goth girls. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. Hold on. Red band. What do you some. He's moaning. He's doing his growl. For those of you that don't want. If you're wondering what we're talking about, Red band does a thing when he wants to talk but doesn't have anything to say where he just goes. We all hear it up here, but the mic's not near him, so you don't know that he's doing it. Like he has a thought about something. Okie dokie. Goth girls. Horrible hygiene usually, right? Not in my experience. I don't know what goth girls you've been with, but, yeah, we some real dirt balls o run through some goth girl stereotypes. Yeah. Condominium. God. Not typically, no. That's definitely. They want to die. Bert. Why would they use condoms? But. But that's. Say, I don't. I don't get with just goth girls. It's been a lot of Latinas since I've been in Texas. Ooh, Latinas. What do you notice is the difference between Latinas and goth girls? They're worse when blended together. Ah. Oh, there's a big Latina goth movement. Yeah. They take it too seriously. You want to. Morrissey fans. No. That is the most fascinating thing in culture. The Mexican community attaching itself to Morrissey is, like, mind blowing. I'm hoping that'll happen to me somehow. That, like, I'll show up and it'll just be paralyzed people. Yeah. And I'll be like, what did I do to get just people in wheelchairs? It is incredible. It's the shirt. Have you ever thought about performing shirtless? No. You want to try? That's never crossed my mind once. It works for you, maybe? Bert, no one can do that now. If anyone does it, they just say they're ripping you. Well, you'd be shocked. Yeah. A lot of shirtless comedians these days. I swear to God. There are. Yes. Well, I'm sure you find out about when everyone started releasing crowd work clips. Angel Diaz is going to be releasing a couple. Couple? Hell, yeah. We love Angel Diaz. There's one lady literally having an orgasm over there. Okay, cool. Can I give one piece of constructive criticism to the comic to another? Comic these. All the jokes you're telling. When you get better at comedy will be better. Just keep writing and then revisit these when you're better at comedy. Because the idea of your mom getting a tramp stamp and you shouldn't be able to drive away from. That's funny. You just haven't figured out the right. Right. They're also shortened for the minute. These are longer bits. I do. Yeah. More details and things so I don't typically do. Just a minute. How does the tramp stamp joke go, if you don't mind me asking? A longer version. Can we hear the unedited, unplugged Spencer Boone? Her tramp stamp matches her PT Cruiser she had. Oh, I love that. Yeah, it was a pink. It was a purple and blue butterfly with the word crazy beneath it. Oh, my. Oh, are you serious? Is that real? That's real. And she had that on her PT Cruiser also? No, but she had a purple PT Cruiser with blue flames on it, and the license plate said crazy. Wow. My mom. I think you picked the wrong part. The joke to tell. Why wouldn't you bring your mom? Yeah, it feels like this should be a comedy duo. I bet mom crushes. Yeah, not quite. Is mom a funny lady? Not really. Now where's she at? Is she in Virginia still? She's in Virginia. Yeah. So, like, you're. You're home in Virginia. Is at a very small population. Yeah. I'm from Orange County, Virginia. It's very small. Tell us about it. It's a. It's a farm county. I mean, I think the whole county has, like, 35,000 people. Are you anywhere near the. What's that one family called? The famous. Oh, the Trumps. No, the. I think that's West Virginia. No, the wonderful whites. The Waltons. The Whites. The wonderful whites. I don't know. I don't think so. We're in Virginia. I think that's more westwards Virginia. That makes sense. I'm in, like, the Shandoa valley area. All right. 35, 000. What did you do for work when you were there? I used to work in a T shirt factory. Okay. Used to make band merch, so that was cool. Look at you. Yeah. Spencer, you're a very funny guy. Congratulations. Great time times. Here's a big joke book. Awesome. There you go. Thank you guys so much. Spencer. Boo. Have a great night. Appreciate. Great job, buddy. He gave that to you? Okay. All right. We. We're getting word that Angel Diaz has brought his notes. How did. How did you get those in the bathroom. You ran into Angel Diaz in the bathroom and he gave you his notes? All right, well, it actually does say me. Can you please. Can you please come tomorrow between 10am and maybe 1pm and fix the AC unit? That's his text. And he said, I'm doing a live video. We. He read this. Oh, they're kicking you out. There you go. That's what happens. That's the exact kind of foreigner we need to get out of this country. God damn it. That guy's just drunk enough to know that angel did this joke or not know that angel did that joke on stage. Was he British? But we should keep that. Hold on to that. We're going to put that in the Kil Tony museum one day. It is incredible. His handwriting is very youthful. Incredibly. I don't know if you have a shot at that. Yeah, childlike. Wonderful. You would think a graffiti artist has better handwriting, but now. All right, everybody, here's the reality. William Montgomery is sick again. Everyone. That's right. The most vaccinated person in the show's history somehow gets sick once a month. What are the odds? Ari, Maddie got snowed into. Austria, Estonia, everyone. I know the controversy. Controversy is wild. But I do have one remaining special treat that you guys might like. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Here to close us out, make some noise for the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody. What's up? Cool. Hey, Sorry. I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I use my baby pictures and then I say swipe right if you want to see how it turned out. And, you know, they're. They're. They're like, oh, my God, what happened? Like, chill out. Chill out. It's been 30 years, okay? Has anyone ever used a. Anyone ever? Well, I didn't know. Or you have to lube it. You know, I was doing it and I was like, this hurts. I don't know if I'm gonna come, but I might bleed. You know, Martin Billocks, as consistent as it gets. The most wobbly, rock solid comedian in the world. You did it again. Amazing set, Rick. Is this your first time seeing Martin? This is my first time. Fantastic. You know, I would mainly. I would just say, straighten up. Do what you gotta do. I. I've been trying. I've been trying. Okay, you know what? Maybe. Maybe do a little coke or something. Something. See if it can calm the nerves a little. Yeah, you have the sweater of Bill Cosby and the movement of a lady that just got A drink from him. What? It's like he's standing on ice right now. Like without ice. I'm slipping. Yeah. How is this weather treating you? How are you surviving? How did you get here? Yeah, I've been gone. Yeah. Chosen Florida, baby. I have shows in Florida, baby. He's like a 1940s gangster. Shakes over here. See? Been knowing I took over the city of Miami, baby. I love it. Martin, did you get that sweater over Christmas? Of course. Looks great. Well, thanks. I. I don't get to wear sweaters too often, so I'm really pumped to wear like, sweaters. Cuz you stretch the out of them trying to put them on. That's what you do with your shirt. Well played, brother. The nerve of the shirt off guy putting a shirt on joke. The nerve of a guy who I don't think can fight. Okay. Whoa. Put up the. Put up your dukes, baby. You got a knuckle salmon coming your way. You want to cause shenanigans. The worst Dick Tracy villain of all time. Oh, Martin, tell us about Florida. How did it treat you? It was really nice. You know, you can shit on it, but then you go there, you're like, I get it. You know that guy. I retire there too, you know, but then they have like gated communities and it's like, like, what are you protecting yourself from? Like, there's a very nice neighborhood. Where were you at in Florida? Oh, I went down to. I went to two retirement communities of Naples, Florida, and Boca Raton. Wow. And Wesley Chapel. And now it's like Tampa and Auburn. Yeah. So, wow. Were you why you were visiting retirement communities? Well, I say it's that the joke. Old people typically live in Naples and if you're from Florida, the Florida people watch. This guy can't say Bert is. I grew up from Florida. Florida correspondent. Yeah, I grew up in Florida. I think he was just implying he did cities in those cities stand up in those cities. Yeah, yeah. There was a translation thing. Who. Who's the. Wait, did I just. Did I just catch a shrapnel? You're getting a little bit lit up right now, Bert. Jesus Christ. I'm not gonna buy this one. Freebird. Freebird is on Netflix. Angel Diaz is watching it right now. We're going to hear a synopsis. That's going to be next week, Bert. We're going to get the free Bert synopsis. So basically, there's like this fat guy with a family. You're never going to believe it. He looks just like you. I want to hear angel describe Cerebral palsy to the rest of. Oh, man. So, like, basically, guys, God didn't like this guy. Damn. Did you get to see Angel Diaz tonight? I. I saw the Ant. I. I had the gist. You kind of had to see the whole thing. He slaps his butt sometimes. Well, Okay, I take it. Oh, my God. Martin, I love you so much. Great attitude. You're so consistent. You're so funny. So powerful. Catch him everywhere. Catch him on the Killers of Kill, Tony and his own tour. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great Rick Ingram and Bert Kreischer, everybody? Rick has crowd pleaser. Go to the Comedy Store YouTube page and watch it immediately after this, please. And then score. Before or in any order, go to Netflix and watch Free Bird. These guys have unbelievable things out there right now. This episode's been brought to you by Quo Zip, Recruiter and Shopify. Did you guys have a good time? Red Band Check out the secret show every Thursday, Sunset Strip, atx.com Love you guys. We are going back to Los Angeles where it all started in May, to the Intuit Dome, the largest ever venue that we've ever done, bigger than the O2 arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden, to do a little show that started in front of 12 people. Two of those 12 were Laney and Jerry in the Comedy Store Belly Room, which all started with the first guest ever on the show. One more time for Rick Ingram. One more time for Bert Kreischer. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Did you know you can save up to 70% on the best brands just by shopping at. From rebel.com we're talking about strollers, car seats, high chairs, espresso machines, cookware, everything you need for way less. Here's how it works. Every single day, REBBL drops thousands of new products on the site for up to 70% off. 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