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Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliff. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee. Make fun of the Ryan Red band, ladies and gentlemen. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? You guys get to hear them play a little bit before the show starts. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you this week by Shopify. How you guys feel tonight? We excited to be here. Very diverse crowd. This looks good in here. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made this all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual kil Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas March 20th. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston February 28th. One in Grand Prairie March 28th. Tony hinchcliffe.com get tickets now. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Every single week, I book two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is the return of two of our favorite guests of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, makes the noise for two of the best standups working today. Jim Norton and Ian Finance, everybody. Oh, yeah, Ian Finance, the great Jim Norton. Oh, absolutely perfect. Jim Norton's special unconceivable is on YouTube. His podcast can't save you is available everywhere. Jim, welcome back. Thanks, Tony. Thanks for a nice applause from the audience. That was very encouraging. Yeah, yeah, they love you. They love you. Ian Finance is back, everybody. He's got a new travel show called Ian Boo, an odd guy doing odd jobs@YouTube.comdy and ianfidance.com for touring Jim Norton comedy to watch his special unconceivable on YouTube. And if you haven't watched it, I highly recommend watching it right after this. Thank you. After this episode, you Guys have both done the show multiple, multiple times before. Very exciting stuff. You guys know how it works. About 300 insane people. Sometimes it's a calm person that's just ready to absolutely make the most of the opportunity that they're given. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. If they go over their time and then I conduct an interview with them, we find out more about them. Absolutely anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, we're gonna start it with a bang. Normally, this is how you end an episode, but tonight, this is how you start an episode with a hall of famer with the record for most appearances all time on the show, the most interviews. Tonight we get started with a man that some people call the Vanilla gorilla. The Memphis Strangler, the San Antonio service assistant. This is the big Red Machine, William Montgome. Did y' all see the email where Jeffrey Epstein's assistant asked him if they should invite Brian Reichel to the next Big island party? Epstein replied, hell, no. Red man might frighten the kids. An Orlando man was arrested for indecent exposure after neighbors saw him having sex with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his arrest, the man said, my balls are gone. I got banned from Antiques Roadshow for issuing death threats after they refused to appraise my vintage bong collection. The ice catcher is carved in pink ivory. You pompous prick. I read where Aphex Twin now had more monthly listeners on YouTube than Taylor Swift. My only question is, which twin is it? Okay, that's my time, Tony. William Montgomery getting us started. I did not see Red Band's name on the Epstein list. That's all news to me. Yes, he was on there. You got to really dig through it. A lot of people might have looked up Brian Redby, you know, look up Brian Reichel. Stuff starts popping up when you actually put his actual name in. Brian Reichel. Wow. Yes. Look at that. Now, you guys have seen William before. Sure. This is. This is him starting the episode. It's a real jolt of the system. And did y' all know Brian? I don't know if y'. All People probably saw pictures, but they had that weird kind of trap door into the ocean. That was actually Brian Reichel's idea. Idea. According. Because they would get rid of all the little girls after they killed them and then put them in the ocean through that trapdoor. And that was Brian Reichel's idea. I think that was an interesting idea, Brian. Wow. Well, it's easy to make fun of Jeff Epstein, but there really are two sides to every story. That is so true. It is so true. Now you are still obsessed with Aphex Twin William Montgomery. Yes. Still been listening to a bunch of Aphex twin playing my Vampire Survivors game on the Nintendo Switch 2. I've been playing that. I've been doing the Row Machine, and please come see me on the road. I'm now dealing with something from the company called Comps, where it's just. I see a bunch of people out there and I'm thinking, oh, my gosh, this will be great. Then it's 5,000 of them are comps and free. So please come see me on the road. Right. It turns into this big nightmare. I never had to deal with that before. Dodie, you've probably been dealing with it and you just found out about it. Yeah, maybe. I just discovered it was happening. You should tap into Redband and get access to Epstein's email list. I know more tickets I need to. What would y' all do, right, Band? Would y' all put weights on the little girls when y' all put them in the ocean? Because that's what I. That's the part I didn't understand. I think you put a body through the floor of the house or whatever. It goes into the ocean. What, did you put weights on the bodies or. How'd you do it? I don't know. I have people doing that kind of stuff for me. Oh, yeah, he doesn't do that. The. The. The people in the Illuminati, they just watch the show. Yeah, he would pull his back out or something if lifting up those little bodies and. I know. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. If you soak the diapers, it does weigh them down. Ah, look at that. Indeed. Pull ups can turn into pull downs real quick. That is amazing. Jim Norton knows his stuff. I should have known if there's anybody that specializes in drowning babies, it would be you. Oh, everybody's Jeff Epstein. Jeff Epstein. He was not a bad guy. Guy knows how to party. I love it. William, you also mentioned your bong collection during this set. I love the words bong collection written down here. What kind of bongs do you have? How many bongs do you. I have. My favorite is a purple abalone bong. It has Some little diamond looking things, I think Swavarsky crystals all in it. I think that's probably my favorite. The one with the Swavarsky crystals. I also have this really nice tangerine. I think it's a. I don't know what kind of rock it is, but it's a nice tangerine one. I also have one that was a little amethyst. It looks like a little mushroom amethyst. That's a really good one. Wow. What do you like to do after you smoke bongs? Shit, Tony. Well, I need to be careful because I have all the plaque in my carotid artery now, which is very scary. That's why I've been doing the row machine. But I've been eating a bunch of vanilla ice cream again. I just eat it with chocolate chips. I get the little chocolate chips in the freezer, the mini ones, and I just put it all over the ice cream and I just eat. Eat that. I used to suck on the ice cream when I'm doing it, really enjoy it. Now I just eat bites of the ice cream with the chocolate things on them. So I've been pigging out big time, Tony. That's why I have to do the row machine. I feel like If I'm rowing 20,000 meters in a day, I'm allowed to eat a bunch of ice cream at night. So I don't know what's real. Yeah, he is a wild boy. It's a wild way to start the show because William is kind of like a mythical creature. Yeah, almost. Almost all of it is untrue. But it's very entertaining. Normally on this show, I implore people, you know, talk about your real life, talk about the truth. William is one of the extremely rare exceptions. Real life is way too depressing. So. Are you gonna take that? Will you, Red? Ben's been holding back the whole time, and then he drops a bomb out of. Yeah, no, he's kind of right. So. No, I. He's sadly a little. A little right on there. So. But it's okay. I'm working on it. Well, William, you're super amazing. You're super silly. Everybody loves you, and it's a great way to start the damn show. So nice to be here. Tony, is there anything you're passionate about this week? Just that vanilla ice cream today. Love it. William. Lights out Montgomery has struck again. And now we rotate over to the mystical Bucket of Destiny, where absolutely anything can happen. This is. Is where we meet people. This is where the crazy happens. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket Pull of the Night goes by the name of Zachariah Tourette's Tippet. Here we go. Here we go. Let's do it, everybody. So my name is Zachariah Tippett. I have this cool thing called Tourette Syndrome. And tonight, fuck y' all need to know that children are mean. Fuck. I used to explain Tourette Syndrome as sort of a superpower. F and then one kid stood up and yelled, what makes you think you'd be a superhero? F you can't even win a game of hide and seek. F. F Then he emo'd it on me. So after a few triple H moves later. F I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. F Now I'm a Walmart greeter. Welcome. Fuck you. Thank you, Everybody. Fuck yeah. 50 seconds of Zachariah Tourette's Tippet to start our bucket pulls tonight. Welcome to the show. Zachariah, how long you been doing standup talking to that mic right there? I've been doing stand up since October 2021. 2021. Have you been on the show before? I have. I think about three or four times. Okay. I somehow don't remember you. You had Tourette's? You had Tourette's then, too? Yep. Still disabled. Wow. Amazing. Do the words ever change? Yes, they do. The first time I actually ever came on, you were really excited. We talked about the time I yelled the N word. Oh, I love that. I'm from St. Louis, so. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I mean, I guess they have to give you the pass, right? Gold card, baby. But you've had to explain black people were around when you did that, when you said the N word. Does talking about saying the N word kind of make your Tourette's want to say the N word right now? What letter comes after M? So wait a minute. So if I tell people I have Tourette's, I can watch a football game at a bar again? I got a R word past somewhere. Wow. So, yeah. So were there black people around when you dropped the n word in St. Louis? Oh, yeah, I. I got beat up a lot. And then one day, our principal showed us the movie Front of the Class, which is about a teacher with Tourette syndrome. And then everyone went, oh, he's. He's not racist. He's just a. You know, a little disabled. Amazing. Must be great for dating, though, if you meet a girl. Do you want to fuck? Go eat. You're getting it right out of the way. You'd be surprised, but moms love this. That is amazing. So give us another example of a time in which your Tourette's has has caused a wild situation for you. I yelled a four letter word my first time flying at an airport that rhymes with mom. Wait, what? Bomb. Oh, shit. So it's kind of like. Is it kind of like whatever you shouldn't say in that situation? Kind of. If you think about it, that's what you say. In a nutshell. There's a lot more to explaining, but we don't have the time for that. Right. Wow. So if you're eating a pussy and it really smells and you yell roses. She knows her pussy stinks. No, I just throw the ass and say, you're next. Oh, hell yeah. Yo, my man. Fuck yeah, man. Be eating that ass. Hell yeah. Fuck, fuck, lick, lick. He'll go anywhere. I love it. I love it. So, Zachariah, do you have a job? What do you do for work? How do you make money? I actually do content creating full time tutalk, YouTube, et cetera and stream. And then I have a part time weekend job at Chili's. Really? Which location is this? Chili's. Oh, my God. There is going to be a line around the fucking block for people to go to fuck Chili's. We'll have to find out next episode. They didn't pay me to advertise this. Okay, okay. They will retroactively give you money. I swear to God that Chili's will be out of control. It's here in Austin. San Antonio. Okay. Everyone is going to go to every Chili's in San Antonio until we figure what the fuck is going on. I absolutely love this. So obviously you have this when you're serving customers. So for example, let's say there's Asian customers. Is there any chance that the Asian C word comes to the front of your brain? I actually cooked, so I'm the reason why you have to wait 20 minutes because I flipped your food off. Oh, amazing. Oh, you're not working front of house. No. Oh, damn. That's. I think that's what everybody wanted. That's what everybody pictured. What if we pay you extra? No offense, but I don't want you making my food either. Yeah. Achoon back, Dan. But now you turn to that bar. Now. God, it's amazing. How long you been cooking at Chili's? I've been there probably about a year. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. So do you get a little do is it's physical too, right? You get a little twitchy. You do? Yep. Doing the worm. So sometimes you literally probably do like mess up Cooking and you have to restart and stuff. Yes. Okay. What are your hobbies? What do you do for fun when you're not cooking or doing stand up? Comedy mostly. I. Oh, that's. Hell yeah, bro. My man. Yep. That makes it. That makes five of us. We all like the fuck. And secondly, I mostly just made content at home. Like I'm usually on TikTok a lot about answering questions about. You really do put the tick in TikTok. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Amazing. Respectfully, this is incredible. Word. Yeah. Do you have words that cover up other words? Like I've heard of guys with Tourette's like when they want to yell. So they like nickels. Nickels. And there's other replacement words that you trained yourself. So that is sort of a manipulation you can do. Mine wasn't a verbal. Mine was a. So that's why you kind of see half of my face doing that instead of full driving. Like that's a game. Yeah. You always look like you're flirting. Yeah. Winking and saying can be taken. You're in a rest area. Incredible. That's why I wear the shirt. So that's. That's smart. That is very smart. Let people know. Yeah, let those people. Humans. Yes. Of all colors and sizes, everyone. When you're. You were a baby, did you do like baby words like apple juice or something like that instead or. No, mine didn't develop until around 8 years old. Was there something that happened to you around that time in which this happens? Sat on your uncle's lap, perhaps, or something like that? No. Tits just Normally develop between 5 to 10 years old. Got it, got it. Very, very interesting. And have you. Is there like meetup groups? Is there a place where a bunch of people with Tourette's get together? Because I want to go Tourette's Con. I want to go real bad. Tourette's Con. Blend in. Really? Yep. Imagine 100 people doing this. Oh my God. And have you been to that before? I have not. It's mostly in the uk, but they just started doing it over here in Texas and Dallas. And I think last year was the first. Hundreds of you together, ticking, sounding like little minions together. Weed conjugate. Are there guys in your. Even in your group who you're like, wow, this guy's a fucking asshole. Mostly the UK people have more the verbal like sentences like, I'm going to punch you in the pussy. Like something random. Oh, I just have the one verbal tit. So mine's like mid tier lucky. Yeah. In a sense. They have the cooler Tourette's to me. But I'll settle. I love that. And so they have meetup groups and there's one in Dallas. And why did you not go to that? It seems like, you know, as a tick tocking ticker that you should. That you would be there. It's more. It's not free to go to. So it is kind of like expensive. So that was the only reason why I couldn't go. Yeah. That's fucked up. Yeah. You have to have fuck you money to be able to. To be able to do it. How much? Much. I'm just curious. How much does it cost to go to Tourette's Con? It's. It's a few hundred to go there. And plus that's not including, like travel and stuff. It's a Tourette's Con job, dude. That is Comic Con for disabled people. So do they have a non Tourette's person make the reservation? That's above my disabled level to know, so. Because I imagine the hotel wouldn't really, you know. No. Unless you're Entertainment or Billie Eilish. So are there like. Are there like Tourette's? Do you guys, like, fuck with each other? Because it's, I imagine, like finding someone is hard. So if you link up with like a hot Tourette's chick, that must just be like, oh, yeah, we both drink Red Bulls and we're vibrators. So what's dating like? I mean, can you take us through it? Like, it's mostly, I guess, just like everyone else, just a little bit louder. So that's. That's basically the best generic answer I can get. Are you like Amy Poehler and Deuce Bigelow? What, what is she like in that movie? That's been 29 years, so you'll have to catch the people up there. What? What? Did you watch it today? Rob Schneider? Come on. Yeah, it's. Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. What is her. What does her character do when she. She. He takes her to a baseball game. So her. Tourette helps her, like, heckle the other team. Ah, got it. Got. I can't be the only one that likes. Hey, she likes Stella in Streetcar Named Desire. Zachariah. Very fun set. An amazing interview. Here's a big joke book coming at you. Boom. There you go, Zachariah. Tourette's. Tippett. Tourette's is in the name. So if you're wondering why eight minutes of the interview had to do with Tourette's, it's in his name. There's the lovely Heidi Everybody. Her podcast Love on the Line, is available at heidi resort gina.com this podcast is sponsored by Quo. 2026 is the year your business stops acting like a game of telephone gone wrong. Scattered messages, missed calls, and who's handling this shouldn't be a daily ritual. A modern communication system is like giving your team a GPS instead of a treasure map drawn by a toddler. Everyone stays aligned, responds faster, and no opportunity disappears into the void. In that moment of clarity, you'll catch yourself saying, all right, let's fucking Quo. And that's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo. Q U O the smarter way to run your business right by you Guess what, Tony? I love Quo. It's the best business phone system out there. Quo works wherever you are, right from an app on your phone or computer and lets you keep your existing number, add new numbers or teammates in minutes, sync your CRM, and rely on seamless routing and call flows as your business scales, your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. No more missed messages or disconnected conversations. It's easy. Calls, text, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all live in one clean view. With full context at your fingertips, your team communicates faster, stays aligned, and delivers a more personal experience. Make this year where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Try quo for free plus get 20 off your first six months when you go to quo.com kill Tony that's quo.com quiltoni no missed calls, no missed customers. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Listeners think back to a first date where you were really interested in someone. You probably asked them important questions like what are you looking for? 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With ZipRecruiter, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com KillTony. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. And on we go, ladies and gentlemen, to your second bucket poll of the night. Make some noise for Quentin Jones, everybody. Here comes Quentin. Happy New Year, everybody. Since it's a new year, I decided to make new rules for myself. My newest rule is I decided I'm gonna stop dating women with cats. Yeah, it's tough because I don't know if y' all knew this, but women with cats are the biggest hoes out here. And it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her. Like, my ex used to have a cat. And it's weird cause I'm trying to be a good guy. But clearly she loves abuse. Cause like, every time she would feed her cat, her cat would just beat her ass. I'm like, God damn. And I'm jealous. I'm like, damn. I want her to cook for me. So I figure if I want some food, I gotta keep it even with the catch. I didn't hit her, but what I did do was gaslight her and knock shit over from time to time. And it's not for the best reasons. Not cause I hate cats, not cause I hate cat women. I'm just allergic. Yeah. And I don't think women respect how hard it is to have sex on Benadryl. That's my time, y'. All. Quinton Jones. Quentin Jones. Welcome. Quentin, is this your first time on the show? No, it's my second time. Second time. Second time up here. Welcome back. Tell people. Why is it hard? I don't know. I've never taken Benadryl. Is it why? Because you get sleepy. Oh, okay. Yeah. So it's like you on the clock when you take that Benadryl, you know what I'm saying? So literally one time I was with my ex, and, you know, I took the Benadryl and it just kicked in, like, too soon. And you fell asleep on top of her? No. In her crotch. Even worse. Wow. Yeah. So I woke up and she was gone. It was just her cat looking me in the face. Got it. Amazing. Yeah, man. Amazing. Jim Norton. I Was. I'm so happy when they said your name. I was like, oh, no. Questlove has aids. Damn it. I had a feeling that was gonna bomb. Not as bad as my Deuce Bigelow life. No, but at least yours wasn't topical. Mine was topical. Topical. Quentin, how old are you? 34. 34. How long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing stand up seven years. Seven years. And how do you make money? How do I make money? I don't at the moment. How are you surviving? So I used to work in tech. Last time we talked about me working in tech. But since I got laid off, so I'm just living off of savings. And how much do you have saved? Exactly? Question I love to ask on the show. In fact, I don't ask it enough. This is the only show, I think, in all of entertainment where that question ever gets asked. And I find it to be the most compelling goddamn question out there. Because everybody can relate. Somebody hates. No wonder. How much do you think I have, Tony? I would guess $7,000. 7,000. Okay. Double it. Okay. Yeah, I got about 14k saved up, so. 14k. 14k. I love it. So give us an example of, you know, you're seven years in the comedy. There's a lot of ways to, you know, save money and be thrifty. Yeah. Let's have a little segment called Getting Thrifty with Quentin Jones. Getting thrifty with Quentin Jones. Can I get a song for it? How are you extending your money? How do I extend my money? So the funniest way right now is I eat less. Oh, look at that. You hear this red band? Don't. Yeah. So since being unemployed, I've actually lost £50, so. Oh, very nice. Great. I was wondering what happened after you left the room. Yeah, I had to do it the old fashioned way. I couldn't afford Ozempic. No insurance anymore. But, yeah, I noticed whenever I say I lose 50 pounds, people don't clap. And I know why. It's cause I used to be over £300. And when you're over £300 and lose £50, it just looks like you took one good shit. So. Wow. But so I eat less, I walk more. So I do a lot of cardio. I actually started like a fitness page where I run like half marathons called Q Don't Stop. So if you guys want to see my fat ass run, you can follow me there. Okay. Ian, is there something you wanted to say there? Do you walk more because you can't afford A car. I can afford the car. I can't afford all the other shit that goes with the car. Gas and whatnot. Registration, insurance. The stuff that the police ask you for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I definitely have. Yeah. These jokes. Okay, so you're not driving that much. And what's your plan to get ahead and start making money here? You know, how much is rent a month? So my rent is 1100. Okay, that's. That's low. You have roommates? No. You live by yourself and 1100amonth? I do. Is that a studio? One bedroom. Okay. Yeah. Renaulston's going down. So is it far away from downtown? Two miles. So I walk here a lot. Like, if I have spots, I literally walk here. I love it. Yeah. Okay. All right, so you have. That means that you have about, you know, a year. A year? Less. Six months until you run out of money. So what's the plan? What are you good at? What am I good at? I am still good at tech. So, like, AI is just killing, like a lot of our jobs. So I'm learning how to use AI to get back into tech. Hopefully something happens with stand up comedy. This is my dream. This is what I want to do. I don't want to go back to tech or, you know, my fitness page blows up and. Because there's a lot of people who have pages who just make money running and just working out. So those are my three hopes. That's what I want to have happen. Got it. Your writing is very good. I like the. The whole thing was linear. It was like all about the same thing. The writing was. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Especially from you. I'm a big fan. Thank you. Yeah. Hell yeah. So other than. Other than Cats, what's your love life like? What's my love life right now? Not very good. I actually got more pussy when I was fat. I don't understand. Ah, interesting. I don't either. Yeah, yeah. So I was dating somebody last year till about November, and I broke up. Just. Cause of the distance, Cause of the gas. And so I just been kind of. What's your type? What type of thick white women are you into? Oh, no, see, I'm from Detroit. That's the Texas black guy thing. Oh, Detroit. You're into real black women? Yeah, I'm into real black women. You know, give me about 5 7-150-190. That's. That's. Is that their credit score that you're talking about? Amazing. Amazing. So your last black girl. How long has it been since you had one of those. The. Wait, you said my last black one? Yeah, your last time you hooked up with a black woman. That was the girl I broke up with. With. Okay. Why'd you break up with her? Like I said, the distance, you know? And. Yeah, just distance. Where was she at? She's in Dallas. I mean, you could have gone up there for the Tourette's convention. Yeah. Very expensive. Yeah. Did you talk to the Tourette's guy back there? Did he. I tried. He stuttered. Yeah, he was biting his lip. They're not used to seeing black people here. He's like, nigga. That's what he said. Accident. You're really funny. Thank you. I appreciate that, man. So, Quinton, give us one more crazy, fun fact about your life that we would find interesting. That's always a tough one, Tony. Last time we talked about you being the college cheerleader and. Yeah, I was here with Shane Gillis and we talked about that. I like to play board games. I'm a really big nerd. Oh, what kind of board games? So, literally, before I got called up, we were playing Settlers of Catan next door. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I started a board game group with some friends because it's just, like, there's not a lot of board game groups where I feel like I fit in. So I just went and started my own. That's amazing. Yeah. And how do people find your. Find your fitness contact. So it's Q, don't stop. That's my Fitness Run page on Tik Tok and Instagram. There you go. Quinton Jones, everybody. Fun times. Quinton, congratulations. Good set, fun interview. Here's a big joke by. Boom. There you go. All right, we're moving forward. We're keeping it moving here, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucketful goes by the name of CJ Kaiserman, everyone. CJ Kaiserman. Here he is. You know how degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down when he sees your car pull up? You guys, too, huh? Yeah. How about me? On my way here, I pulled off on Fifth street and this homeless guy just, ooh, maybe homeless. But they're not dumb. I rolled my window down, tried giving him money. He tried handing me a water bottle. That's how bad it is for me. Seriously. I drive a really old, beat up 2002 Honda CR V. It's been rear ended probably as many times as Tony. Yeah, I'm also, like, dumb broke, though. Like, I won't even buy a Powerball ticket till it's at least at 1 billion. I'm gonna risk 5 bucks for $20 million. You know, like, it's not really gonna do for me. Happy Black History Month, guys. For those who celebrate. Not this guy, apparently. It's okay. Still got, like, a week and a half left. All right, I'll send it there. Thank you. Okay, C.J. kaiserman. Nothing really worked except for the thing about me. Do you do that at, like, open mics? Does that work for you out in regular public or. No, when I'm not here, the homeless joke I start with usually does better. It does better. Why do you think the homeless jokes didn't go good here tonight for you? Not a lot of homeless people in here. That makes sense. Normally it works in front of the other homeless people. Yeah. All right. How long you been on stand up, cj? I did it for about a year back home. I've been pretty lazy since moving here. Where's back home? Spokane, Washington. And what made you lazy when you moved to a place where comedy exists at more than one venue? I. Yeah, I actually moved down here saying I'd do more comedy. And then I just haven't really been signing up for more mics. I started a business, an online business, and it sort of just took off. And I've been investing. Like, ooh. What's the business business? I sell football cards, online football memorabilia, cards, sort of. It's super niche. It's called breaking. If anybody's in, just keep it. One guy. Keep explaining it. Keep explaining. Okay, so I. Nobody knows what the that is? No, nobody knows what breaking is. So, like, there's boxes of football cards, Pokemon cards, whatever sports it is. And, you know, I. I buy a bunch of boxes and I sell the teams. So somebody buys a team like the Cowboys, the Texans, and then you just get all the cards for your team out of the boxes there. So Instead of spending $400 on all the boxes, you're spending 20, 30 bucks on your team. You just, you know, get all the autograph cards and rare cards and rookie cards for that team. Is that why you also have a haircut from 1992? Yeah, I came after when that haircut was popular. Deuce Bigelow was in theaters. That's a huge. Amazing. So, C.J. what was it like growing up in Spokane? Not great. It's kind of moved here. It's cold up there. I got down here to avoid the snow and ice, and then we got that, like, crazy, crazy week with it. But we have one comedy club, just the Spokane Comedy Club. And you guys have Actually done kill Tony there when you were touring? Years and years ago. Long time ago. But yeah, there's like, you know, random bars and stuff kind of similar to here. Scene's not great, but the comedy club's okay. Two mics a week. How long have you been in Austin? Seven months. Seven months? Yeah. And so you've just been buying boxes of cards and kind of organizing them and divvying them up and sending them off? Yeah, that's what we're gonna call. Yeah. How much money do you think you're making doing that? Give me a ballpark here. A lot. Like, can you just give us a guesstimate here? What's a lot to you? You said 20 million couldn't possibly change anything in your life. I really don't like talking about how much I make. I made. I did 72k in sales last month. What? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, but what is that, profit? Yeah. How much profit is. Margin is about 40%. So it's like 25 to 30k profit. Okay. Yeah, it's like, hire Quinn. Are you kidding me? Hire the last guy. He's only got 14 grand to his name. Yeah, I do need employees eventually, so. See, he'll cut down on shipping. He'll just walk the card to somebody. Amazing. Cj, what's your love life like? Nothing going on there. I've been single for a while. Have you kind of, like, been on any dates since you've been to Austin? Yeah, yeah, I've been on. I'm actually kind of talking to this girl right now. Where'd you meet her at? BJ's. BJ's? It's a restaurant, guys. Yeah. Okay. It's a good sign. Yeah. Yeah. I bet they got some Tourette's chefs over there at BJ's, that's for sure. So you met her at BJ's? You're just sitting at the bar having a drink? My friend and I went in for the pizookies to $5 bazookis on Tuesday. Wow. Okay, well, Red Band's got a new Tuesday plan. Redban would like that. $5 pizookies. What the fuck? What's a pizookie? It's a. It's a pizza ice cream cookie. It's like a. Oh, wow. You normally. You make those yourself? That's like. You could go to a place where it's made for you skillet, too. Right? Like, oh, Red Band's hard as a rock. Right. Okay, so you're there looking for pizookie, and you end up and she. Yeah, she's just. She's our server. I was with my best friend, my roommate Nick, and she just was coming over, and I was making her laugh a lot, cracking jokes. What jokes were you doing there? Why don't we get some of your pizookie jokes? Jokes. Give us an example of one of the jokes that got you at Pizookie's. I wish I could remember. I mean, I think she just liked me. She was just laughing. I'd probably. Probably wasn't funny at all. She probably just liked me and was laughing. That's probably right. I couldn't tell you what they were. It's a shame none of those girls were in this audience. Yeah, amazing. So you won her over and then what, you took her back to your place? Place? No. And she's like, why are there football cards everywhere? Yeah, that's cool. You live with your little brother. My room is just. Is literally packed with football cards. My roommate calls it the anti hose room. It's. I love it. But there you go. You're bringing your little piece of pizookie back there. And then what happens? Do you tell her before she gets there? Like, there's a lot of car. Yeah, before we go in here. It's gonna look weird, but no, I. We. I got her phone number at the restaurant, and then, like, at midnight, I text her after we left. And then right after you left. Yeah. Very smooth. Yeah. Yeah, immediately. What'd you text her? I just. I. When I got home, I texted her, and then she was like, hey, I'm off at midnight if you want to hang out. And I was like, let's go. And we drove all the way to Buc ee's, like, right after she got work. Look at that. To Bass drop. Yeah. Is that the one? I'm new here. Sorry. Yes. Yeah, it's that way. Hey, you got it, right? Yeah, yeah, no doubt about it. If you just not you just walk 30 miles that way, you're gonna land straight on Bucky's doorstep. Yeah, Okay. I love that. For a first date, you could learn a lot about somebody. Can you take us through what the first date of Buc EE's was like? She told me she's a biter, which. What? That's interesting. She hasn't bit me yet. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign. Means your dick's not big enough. She told you she was a biter? You're just walking around Buc EE's and she drops that out of nowhere. This is in the car. This is in the car. On the way to BUC EE's, she told me, like, she gets overstimulated and will like bite people. She's like, gave. Like she gave me a warning. She's like, yeah, if I get too overstimulated, excited, I might bite you. And it's like, how old is she? 14? No, 22. 22. How old are you? I'm 23. Okay. Yeah. So you get to Buc ee's, then what happens? Did you buy something? Would you buy a buc EE's? I tried putting her on the fudge. You guys like Bucky's fudge? I don't know why you keep asking them. Just focus on the answers to the questions. Yes. Red band likes fudge. Keep going. I. Yeah, try putting on Bucky's fudge. She did not want it and we ended up getting just some random snacks. She's black and so. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And you're like, you must like the fudge. Oh, so she's a bite. Wow. This is amazing. I wouldn't have guessed that the girl you went for was a black girl. What does that mean? Is it the haircut? Well, you're from Spokane, where normally black people are. You just put a cross on fire in their front yard. Spokane is a KKK hub. I know. I visit there every day. That's Idaho. That's Idaho. Okay, so you take her to BUC EE's, you offer the fudge. You just got some snacks and then what? You take her back to your place? Place? No, I just dropped her off and that was it. Okay. Yeah. At her house? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Get the upside of the road. Have you hooked me? But you hooked up with her since then? No, no, we're taking things slowly now. You didn't a girl that let you take her to Bucky's first. We both love Jesus. She hit you up after work and I just took her to a big ass gas station and then dropped her off at home. He really is from Spokane. Wow. So it just fizzled out just like your set? Yeah. Just no real closing or anything. Well, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. That was way more interesting than it said. Did she say anything at the end of this date when you dropped her off, was there any, like, last words? Not besides the biting thing, no. When was this? This was November. We still. We hung out today. Guys. What did you do today? We went to a Chevron. Amazing. C.J. fun times. You are leaving here with a medium black choke Buck CJ Heiserman, everybody. Some real characters so far. Let's keep it moving along, see what happens next. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Matt Banwart. Matt Banwart, everybody. Here he is. I got two degrees in four years in college. Brag. I was always bad at school. What I realized is instead of. But in order to take advanced classes, you had to take Arts Appreciation, a global perspective, and a social diversity course. And I realized there's a glitch in the scheduling software. By chance, Dance Appreciation counted as all three. So I thought about it and I was like, man, I could take feminism 1, 2, and 3. Or I could study how to be great at parties. My friends hate it. They're like, matt, you're cheating your education. I was like, yeah, that's the point. I'm the one paying for it. I remember one day, I walk in, my roommate, he's like sitting on his desk. He's furious. He's like typing. He's like, I had to a 10 page paper right now on fragile masculinity. And I was like, oh, boo hoo. He was like, no, dude, you don't know what fragile masculinity is. That's when men are too afraid to be seen as a feminist to put themselves through trials and tribulations, arbitrarily living lives of silent suffering. I was like, damn, that's tough. This is the mashed potato. This is what I've been doing all month. I'm not even good at it. All right, that was my minute. Okay, Matt Vanwart doing a little lightning fast poetry about his college years. That was fun. Okay, fun for you. Audible booze. Just what I was hoping for. All right, Matt, here we are in the interview portion. Now. Took a long walk. Wasn't worth it. What? Took a long walk. Oh, during your set. Yeah, got it. Do one big one. Not worth it. All right, Matt, I'll. We'll talk about that in just a second. So let's get into it, Matt. First of all, you guys have anything you want to say right off the gut? No, it's very fair. Check in with Jim Norton. You seem a little nervous. Like it happens sometimes, but you know, I get. No, I have hand tremors. It's a medical condition. I shake up. I agree. You humiliate both of us. Wow. So you didn't even give a fuck what was going on up here? You're just always shaky like that. I'm always. Yeah, I shake all the time. Should have come out with hot coffee. That would have been hilarious. They Wouldn't let me bring the water on stage. It was a hazard. Amazing. I didn't notice the hand. I thought the set was shaky without it. So, Matt, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up? 10 years. Shut the fuck up, dude. I. For the first time ever, I'm gonna say as an answer to that question, I don't believe you. Where have you been doing it for 10 years? Can I just say real quick, D Madness made such a noise, I thought he could suddenly see audibly. Guess he. He gets loud. He. D Madness does not like a lack of punch lines. He loves his role on this show. He loves his job. He feels. I've been hanging out with D Madness after the shows, like, for the first, like, 20 minutes, and if Mitzis right as soon as we're done. And I've learned, especially recently, more than ever, this guy literally is more in touch than anybody, like, at all times. It's kind of wild. I'm not surprised. But it is so interesting and so a fun fact. My point is that during the show, what you guys can't hear or sometimes see is D Madness. Scoffs relentlessly when someone's not great, just God. Ass, like underneath his breath, but we can hear it, but it's not loud enough for it to go to the mic. 10 years deep, madness went oh. Lol. Very fair. It's a constant. It's like our own little background soundtrack. Not even mad. We used to have D. Have his own mic, but it's like a little bit too much sometimes when I'm trying to dig someone out of an interview or something like that. But. But it's. It's our. We. We've learned that it's our own fun thing to have back there. D Madness. How about a hand for D Madness, everybody? Just the backbone. The absolute backbone. Which brings us back to Matt Banwar. 10 years. Where were you doing this these 10 years? At first three and a half were in Iowa and then Chicago and now here. How long ago did you move here? Two. Almost a little over two years ago. A little over two years. And you've been working at mics and stuff? You go up a lot? You perform a lot? Yeah, I travel. I do mics, I do shows. Yeah. Do you have, like, a best joke you've ever written in 10 years that you could do for us? Like a short little banger? There must be something 10. Yeah, I can. I can do something. Here he is doing something other than whatever the fuck that was. Just doing one joke for Us. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Baker. Give him a hand, everybody. Ten years. I don't know. I got tried. I don't trust guys who climb rocks because they. Because they call it a climbing gym. That's not a gym. A gym is where people go to be hot. You know, no. Girls have been like, ooh, what's my dream, man? String bean body, massive wrists. No one's ever fantasized about girthy digits. You know what? We'll just end it there. This isn't going well. Okay, so, Matt, you can read the room. Let's check. I've lost all inertia. Jim Norton. I mean, it's a rough go. Like. No, that's very fair. I understand. Like, after a bad set, it's hard because the audience loses a little bit of faith. It's common for all of us. So then you do another joke and they're like, oh, this is not going to be good. In that case, they were right. But I empathize with you, and we've all been there, just not for this long in a row. Matt, maybe there's something more that I can dig out of you about your real life here. So. So let's go over it. How do you make money? Matt, you're not gonna like this. Uh, oh, I do stand up. You make a living doing stand up. It's hard to believe, but yes. Okay, so like, where. Where do you do this at? How? I just play the worst cities. I just did a run. I just did Tulsa, Wichita, Rogers, Arkansas. So let's. Let's take a one at a time. Just because I'm curious, because I've done this, right? I. I started headlining shows about, whatever, 15 years ago or whatever. So I was in Tulsa, and I know that it's hard to sell tickets if no one knows who you are. So how do you sell tickets at Tulsa? You doing a comedy club? Yeah, I do a lot of small rooms, a lot of, like, breweries stuff. But what I do is I make. I make videos for every city I go to. So, like, top spots to rip sigs in Tulsa or like, like, it's like parody reviews. So you get there and then you make a video while you're there? No, I do it before. I do a lot of research ahead of time. I'd like top spots to take a drunk piss, and people kind of find them relatable. And usually I get the videos, right? And then people are like, hey, we should go see this guy live. And the shows usually go better than this, right? And there's like, ballpark how many people in these small rooms? I'm doing just, like, 50 to 70 seaters right now. And what are you selling tickets for? Like, what do you mean? How much do you sell tickets for? $20 a piece. $20 a piece? That's pretty standard. Yeah, pretty standard for someone that, I mean, is a professional that can sell tickets. Yeah. Yes. Okay. And the club takes a cut of that, right? Yeah. Right. So what do you think you walked out of Tulsa with? Come on. I mean, you must admit it's an interesting question. I shouldn't have talked about college because now I'm just doing an accounting class up here, and that's ex. You can just give us a ballpark. 500 bucks. Yeah, but that's. I do it between, like, four shows, though, so I do, like, a full run. Okay, so. But you did one in Tulsa or four in Tulsa. I just did one in Tulsa. Okay, so then this is. You have to drive to the next city, right? Yeah. Okay. You are looking inside of his soul. This is interesting, I think, for the people to hear. He's shaped. No, we did that last talk. I. It's okay. This is every conversation I have with. I've done this before. You were on the show before? Yeah, it did way better last time. Oh, okay. I mean, the ceiling's pretty low right now. Let's be real here. The ceiling's the same height as it was last time. You were very funny. Very funny. Okay. So, Matt, what's something interesting about your life that we don't know about you? Before I let you go, I talked about college. I was a sorority president in college. All right. Yeah. How do you get that job? I was the president of the Stand Up Comedy Club. And you registered as a sorority. And they never. They never corrected it. It was never checked. And the best part was our initials. Stand Up Comedy Club Succ. We were Suck house. You still are. Yeah, that's fair. Did you get a little joke book last time you were on? No, I got a big joke. You got a big one. Well, guess what, buddy, you're going the wrong direction. There goes Matt Vanward, everybody. Let's get one more bucket pool up here. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Orhan Lamour, everybody. Orhan. Here comes Orhan. Oh, yeah. How are you guys? It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Cause he's more successful than me. I'm shit. I've never fucking done comedy. I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my Life than right now. Okay. They're laughing. I like I shat myself. It just went inside. Back in there. I can actually do stuff. I'm from Turkey. It's not a happy place. You know, the state motto is if you're happy and you know it, give it back right now. It doesn't look, but I was there for two years. Like I lived in LA for a long time, then I moved back there and then I came back here and I like in this time I realized how to make America great again. Actually what you do is you go live in Turkey for two years, you come back and it's fucking spectacular again. Stop it, dude. This is gonna go to my head now. Now, now it's the opposite. Now I think, oh my God. I, I will quit at the top. I, I, I don't want to do comedy again. It's never gonna beat this. It's good. Yeah, yeah. Meow or whatever. There it is. Yeah, you got it. You got it. The laughter was so loud. You missed the meow. I held off the bear because I wanted to see where you were going with it. Very funny. Orhan Limmer. Am I saying that right? Tim Timmer. Okay, Talking to the mic there. I don't know how it works in Turkey, but there you go. Voice, Voice only. Orhan. That was an unbelievably great set. Just acknowledging the temperature of the room, having common sense like a 10 year veteran would have. How long have you been doing standup or huh? Nine years. Really? Oh, amazing. I thought you were doing a joke about how you've been doing it one year and then nine years, but okay, that makes sense too. Nine years. Very funny. Thank you, I appreciate it. How much of that's in America? So like seven of it is America. Amazing. Two in Turkey. Where did you, where did you go when you first arrived to America? Orange county, but like Los Angeles. Like you know, your seat, like where you go, like where I started. Comedy is my, that's, I always say LA because, you know, it's where. Yep. I started, you know. Perfect. What made you pick la? I mean, I was already in Orange County. You could move there with a U haul. Got it. Yeah. What made you pick Orange county as a landing spot? I studied film, unfortunately, which that makes sense. It does. Not at all money reasons. But yeah, no, I went there and then, you know, I got sick of la. Yeah. So yeah. What is the scene in Turkey like for stand up? Can I ask? Great question. Oh, it's. You do it in English and in Turkish, but the Thing is like in English you can talk about the government, which is nice because they don't get it. You can. Yeah. But Turkish, I have this special that I shot and I haven't edited it yet because if I put it up, I'll probably never go back again. Right. So there's that little thing. So tell us, what is it like over in Turkey, like what are some of the day to day things that make it, you know, dangerous and not fun? I mean like I had this joke about like, like compared to Halloween, like instead of Halloween, like trick or treat, they play this game called money or stab the children. I'm seriously, I'm seriously afraid of children here because sometimes I'll see children here with bats and they're just trying to get better at sports. But I'm like, I always think they're coming for me. Because the thing is like when there's big dudes and you like hurt them, people will like, you know, people be like, ah, I was trying to hurt you. So you hurt them back, it's fine. But like when you hurt kids and you go to prison, they're like, oh, this guy killed a kid. So there's that fear. None of these are my real life. These are psychological. That's amazing. Yeah, I, I think you're super likable. Like you already hear your voice already. Like just your demeanor. And you just said when you kill kids and people are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you need an accent to kill kids. Otherwise like, it's like people are like, speak more young. Turkish. I like it. How old are you, Orhan? I'm 33 years old. 33. And did you serve in the Turkish military? 18. No, I. Cuz I you, you can get out of it. How did you get out of it? So there's two ways to get out of it. One, you have to be gay and prove it. Oh, hell yeah. Here's the thing. Like, also here's what people don't know. That's why I never joined the military. No, no, I don't. Let the, let the, let the room laugh for a second. That's not how it is. No, no, no. I am straight. No, no, no. Here's what I. Shut up. You don't know me, but you don't know me. I'm the only straight person here probably. Okay, listen, so if you're gay and you have to send them tape because they want proof, video, they actually do. This is true. I'm not making this up. I'm not this creative. Wow. But blowjobs don't count. Which some people send blowjob videos and still went. So the other way. The other way is you have to work in America for three years. That's what I. That I did shitty jobs. So one way of getting out of the military is sending a video of a man. Absolutely butt you. And the other option is going to the greatest country on planet earth and making money and working for 3 years. Cuz they figure like corporate America also makes your yay big. Unbelievable. We've looked it up. What he's saying is definitely true. Yeah. Oh my God. Military Service from the BBC News 2012. Military service is mandatory for all Turkish men. They can only escape if they are ill, disabled, or homosexual. But proving homosexuality is a humiliating ordeal. So if you send a video of you sucking another dude's dick, they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. People don't know that. It's in the fine print and people don't read it. People are like, this is getting up. Definitely. Do they throw? And also they archive it. So there's a bunch of reluctant like blowjob videos that didn't even do any army good. Where do you see them? Dude, you guys are laughing, but I'm gonna get in trouble for this little. This is incredible. The same video that'll get you out of Turkish military is the same video that'll get you into Jim Norton's green room. I love comedy, you know, so you got to do the guy who volunteers to watch the video in the army. Is there a guy who's like, I'll make sure they're gay? I mean, the amount of videos is probably a team, you know, they zoom in real quick. They here you going. But like, nah, nah, nah, nah. You could serve. You're like, because people don't want to go to the army, you know, because they, you know, make you get up early. Yeah. So I guess. Wow, this is incredible. Orahan, so how long have you lived in Austin, Texas? It's my sixth month. Oh, wow. Yeah, I just moved here because I. I don't know, actually like people said I should and I did. And then people have like, people said, hey, there's like, like calmly there people like you there. I said, okay. And they, they been good shows. And like, I'm telling you, like, I, like this minute thing really made me nervous because I'm not a very one minute guy. So like, I really appreciate you guys because I was really. I can't, I can't. It's very hard for me. Yeah, you absolutely dominated Orhan, I want to talk to you for a little bit longer. Even though this interview is going very long, but I find you so interesting. So now that you live here, how do you make money? Orhan? I work for a luxury car brand, but like only part time and they give me time off when I go to other cities. A luxury car brand. It's Mercedes, whatever else. Okay. You've been so nice. It. Yeah, I love it. Absolutely. Have you ever tried to get out of work the same way you try to get out of the army? No, no, I just. I just do a good job. They let me go to different cities to do comedy. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. What else about your life? Orhan? Tell us more about you. Honestly, I'm like a little bit good at everything but not really that good at anything hopefully besides this. But, you know, you decide. But like I play piano but not well, you know, I don't know, like just we like. I'm learning to carve wood. You're carving wood? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What are you making out of wood? It's an abstract piece, Is about expression more than the last moment. What's it. The wood is carving me, you know. Jesus christ. Yeah. I can't handle this much love. Sorry. I don't know, I. I should. I don't know how if I should wave at you or something. You're doing a hell of a job, Orhan. Thank you. You're doing an absolutely unbelievable job. What's your love life like? Well, I had my share of girlfriends. They're all girls, don't look at me. But like I. So in Turkey I was making a living doing this so I had like more free time. Now I don't really have free time. I had a girlfriend till a few months ago, but you know, she wanted to meet at nights. I want to do more comedy because I am a little bit obsessed with this thing. So like I'm single till, you know I can do this. Yeah. And nothing else. I mean that's not a. That's a boring answer. But no, it's good. It's really prioritized. Doing stand up over anything. Yeah. It's just, it's because, you know, I. I don't know, I just. I love this thing. Yeah. To a disgusting levels. Like the amount of job opportunities I've given up to do a few extra mics when I started and stuff. Like just, just. Yeah, it's. I can only imagine you must have been a doctor in the old country and then coming here you just. Yeah. I mean like at best it was 40000 a year. Let's be real. No, I'm not hireable, you know, by people who actually do stuff where people might die. You know? Right, that makes sense. Have you ever saved anybody's life or had a near death experience or anything like that? I mean people have been suicidal and I, you know, shook them very bad. Does that, does that. Yeah. He's talking about the last guy when he walked off. And by shook them. They were on a ledge. He produced a show he didn't put me on. I might actually talk him into the ledge. But we'll see. Orhan, you are so funny. You are exactly what this show is built for. Somebody that's been doing it nine years and you left LA and you moved to Austin and I just find you so incredible. The sacrifices that you've made and you're just so funny and I can't wait to see more material from you. So Orhan, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on CO Tony. Congratulations my friend. There you go buddy. Bing bong. Hey up here. Orhun. Boom. There you go. And I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you want. You did it Orhun. You did it buddy. I'm gonna need you to send the video that you sent to the Turkish military though I have to do some research. Make sure you're a real golden ticket winner. How about one more time for Orhun everybody. That's what happens here. Dreams can come true. And they did for your next comedian who was just about to move back to Atlanta when he got pulled out of the bucket here on Kelsoni. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the great regulars of the show's history, the dark storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn everybody. Yeah. Sir. What do you know about buying $200 worth of pregnancy tests so you can pee on them? Sir. Because you know you can't get pregnant. You just really need the good news right now. Sir. What do you know about pretending to be gay with your best friend so y' all can go to couples therapy because it's cheaper that way. Sir. What you know about having a spider that live in your room and this nigga is not your pet this nigga's not your pet but you can't kill the spider cause you got a white girlfriend and she like the spiders keep out the bugs and it's in the injury point so then you chat GPT what kind of spider it is Only to find out it's a black widow nigga I can't kill a black mom. I have one of those and my dad dead. This spider is my mom. I was on mushrooms when I figured it out, but I treat her like a black mom. We go to church every Sunday. We don't go into the church. They won't let you in with the spider on your hand. They think you the devil. So I just go by her windowsill and we play Kirk Franklin. And then she put what she want to read in the Bible in her web, like Charlize Web. You know what I'm talking about? Charlotte's Web. What's the pig's name from the book? Wilbur. This nigga can't read. This nigga can't read. And he's a liar. He just wanted to fit in. He just wanted to fit in. You're a liar. That's my time, Dedrick Flynn. And he's done it again. And that, my friends, is the difference between a regular and a bucket pool. And everything in between. Dedrick. Absolutely incredible. Loud laughs all the way throughout. Amazing stuff. You've peed on pregnancy tests. Yeah, look at that. Good news, Tony. When you get the. Mmm, boy, you know what it feels like to not be pregnant. That shit. But don't get the dollar tree ones. Cause a nigga was nervous. I didn't know who the mama could be. I'm a hoe. You know what I'm saying? Incredible. Dedrick, how's life been going? Tell us about it. Yeah. I have torn so much. I'm touring so much, going all over the country. It's so much fun. I do hate getting on planes. I think y' all know that. But every city I've been to, I've been selling a lot of tickets. There's a lot of good fans. I do want to say happy Black History Month to the seven black people that watch Kill Tony. I've had at least one at every show. Yep, yep. We got the good ones, though. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Little fun fact. Drake watches every episode with his crew in Toronto. He makes them all shut up and they sit around a big screen tv. Man, I love Drake. There you go. That's how you do it. We love Drake, too. Yeah, I love it. You're very creative. I love the spider bit. That was really funny, man. You're a very interesting guy. You got an interesting brain. Very fun. So much. I'm a big fan of you. I love you so much. Thank you very much. Do you have something nice to say, too? If you don't have Anything nice to say? I already know you put your mic down, but don't hurt my phone. I was gonna piggyback off a gym, but the way he was sucking his. I was like, what are you trying to get out of the army? I still can't believe it. That might be one of the craziest fun facts. You have to send a video of you butt. In fact, there it's real for some guy that's the head of the Turkish army who's definitely jerking off to these videos. Those. It's even better if it's not true. And a bunch of guys are blowing their friends and still going to serve. Absolutely incredible. People think America is bad Turkey. You have to either but. Or fight another. Another place that has better weapons than Turkey does. I feel like I would be gay instead of going to the army, though. I. I think I would choose, like just be gay for one video just to get out. I've seen you fight for turkey. The food. Give me that. I want that piece. Give me that piece. You gotta do an AI video if you deep throat in a turkey sub. Yep, that'll be on next week's. That'll be on next week's video. Dedrick, anything else crazy going on in life? How's everything? It's fucking. I don't know how to explain it. It's just fucking incredible. I finally. I don't know, I'm starting to feel like what the first couple months were. I'm starting to get real comfortable being up here instead of being like extra nervous because it is hard to come out here. I'm not just saying that because my friend bombed a couple people ago, but. Which one was that? Matt Barwick. He does run some great shows like over there. I did his club up there in Des Moines, Iowa. Oh, okay. Well, I don't think he likes me anymore. He had a real. I'll talk to him. Okay, good. Thank you. I want to be able to do Des Moines again. Also. Thank you for this sweet ass jacket. Of course. I just wanted to say thank you. This is fucking player as hell, man. Yeah, they were supposed to come over the holidays. The whole crew got new jackets from our amazing team here. It took a while. Some. Somebody put tariffs in place here in Americ and they took a while and now they arrived just in time for Texas to be 95 degrees again. Yeah. So perfect. Sweating like a motherfucker. Boy, do I look good. I love it. Dedrick, you are the fucking man. We love you. You gotta see him on the road. Dedrick Flynn. Follow him. See him when he comes to your city. Absolutely amazing. We know this next young buck. He is one of the door guys here at the Mothership. We love it when, you know, people from Sunset sign up. People from the Mothership, sign up. These guys all are in a big rotation here in Austin doing spots. Hopefully, with their experience, they're doing their better minutes here. So let's see what happens. Make some noise for the young buck. Nicholas Sepaglia, everybody. Very funny, young man. I was at the bar the other day just getting a drink, and this big group of ladies came. It was a bachelorette party and it was like a big group of ladies. It was like a gaggle of bitches. So many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar, having a drink. And one of them comes over and orders a drink and then looks at me and goes, you should shave your face. You look like a rapist. And I just yelled at her, said, yeah, you look like a victim. Got her, got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much. And she chimed back. She's like, that's not funny. And I'm like, shut up, bitch. Yes, it is. But don't worry, I'm not into fat chicks. And she was clearly anorexic, so. Got her again. Yeah, we'll leave it at that. Yep, absolutely. Great. Nicholas Sepaglia back again. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. How's it going? Fantastic. New glasses. You do kind of look like a rapist. Kind of, yeah. Hell yeah. A little bit. Very good. Welcome, welcome. What do you guys think about Nicholas? Jim? I'm glad I shaved. Very funny. Good joke writing. Yeah, really great. And I like the instinct of closing on the laugh. Like the fucking me out. Happy, like, fuck this, I'm done. I like that. It's good instinct. Thank you. You're welcome. Yep. Got out on top. What's going on, Nicholas? Tell us about it. You work here at the Mothership? I work here. I recently became a father about a little while ago. So just doing daddy daycare during the day and stand up at night. The wife. Wife is working full time. I'm raising the baby right, you know. Tell us about that. I'm pretty sure we are all fatherless people. Well, it's. I mean, we're not fathers. We're childless. Yes. Childless father. And we're probably also fatherless. We're all just come from a test tube. Well, I mean, it's cliche to say, but they always say you're never ready to. You don't you don't know what to expect. Which is just the cliche thing. That is true. But it was a little different in our situation because when our baby was born, we had a little baby girl. Wanted a funny one, but we got a girl. But. I'm kidding. She's. I'm kidding. But we named her Shirley. And when Shirley was born, we found. We discovered that she had a little bowel obstruction in her intestines. And they had to do emergency surgery and remove about 17 centimeters of her intestines. And then they gave her, like, an ileostomy bag. And we lived at the nicu, at the hospital for, like, the first. The first five months of her life. Like, so it was really kind of traumatic and upsetting. And my wife is really upset that I nicknamed her bag Shirley. She didn't like that at all. She didn't like that. I said it one time, but every holiday since, it always comes up, and I'm like, SBS is never gonna remember any of this. I like. I like how you have dark jokes that are like, oh, my God, they're really funny. Oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of my sense of humor. It's kind of my style. Dark joke. Jesus. Come out of nowhere. That's your daughter. Your humor is darker than the contents of your daughter's bag. That's true. Yeah. They call it output, but I know when I smell it, it collects. It's definitely. Yeah, yeah. That was a crazy experience, though. I've had to do a bunch of, like, I have to start taking care of myself a little bit better now. Like, I went. Got a checkup recently, which I hadn't done in quite some time. But, you know, as guys, we go to the appointment once a year, you know, get a little turn your head and cough, and you think that's it. But this year, I went. And they were like, all right, we're gonna tickle your balls. And that was fine. It felt great. I was turning my head, I was coughing, you know, as you do. I asked the guy, I was like, why do I have to turn my head when I cough? And he goes, I don't want you coughing in my face. And I was like, oh, fair point. You don't know unless you ask. So. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. And then he finished his. And I started pulling in my pants, and he goes, oh, wait, we're gonna check your prostate. And I said, no, thank you. I didn't. Just didn't want to do that, but they forced it upon me, and all of a Sudden, I'm just in position, you know, hands down, pants down, and he's behind me, lubing up like Pete did. He had a freak off. And he goes, don't be alarmed. You're gonna feel like a small pinch. And that's when I looked back at him and said, why do I feel both your hands on my shoulders? And he didn't like that at all? Yeah, he didn't like that joke at all. Awesome. He kicked me right out of the dentist's office, so hell yeah. Amazing. Other than that, life's been pretty good. I mean, that was a kind of a struggle. Yeah. I love it. Nicholas, you're doing a hell of a job. You're crushing here at the Mothership. You're getting spots. Thoughts? You just performed in front of millions of people here on the show and did great. Congratulations. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday if you can. Secret Show. Here's a big joke book. Boom. Nicholas the Piglia, ladies and gentlemen. All right. And Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra, that's the OG it kicked off this whole Zero Sugar Energy drink, but Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch. So if you've been living in the white can, branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe, and every single one is Zero Sugar. Tap the banner to learn more. Back to the bucket we go. Here we go. Make some noise for your next bucket. Pull. It is Kirsty Hayden, everybody. Kirsten, Thirsty Hayden. Yeah. I don't know if y' all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't. I'm actually living through this app I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants, take care of their pets. It's called hinge. No, but I do go from house to house, and it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat, and when I came home, I discovered that the cat had gotten into my dirty laundry and chewed up only my underwear. So weird way to find out you have a yeast infection. You can take the puss out of the panties, but can't take the panties out of the puss. That's it. Okay, wait. Hi, Kirsty. Welcome. Hi. Hello. Is this your first time on the show? Yes. Welcome. How long you been on standup? Eight years. Okay, where at? I started in Dallas. Okay. You still live in Dallas? No, I live here now. How long have you lived here? Like a year and four months. Okay, good answer. Very exact. How do you make money? I do pet sitting. I'm also. I clean and organize people's houses. I sell clothes on Depop. That's it. All right. Okay. How old are you? I'm 30. 30. Okay. So you started at 22? Yes. How's it going for you? Good. Pretty good, yeah. You perform a lot. I do. Are you, are you a little too tipsy or on drugs of some kind? Right now? 100% sober. Really? Yeah. This is just you? Yeah, this is just me. I'm not even on Zoloft anymore. I'm off all of it. Okay. Were your parents really stoned on drugs when they had you? Yes. Okay. All right. But that doesn't really. You look like you should be disrupting an ice raid. Yeah, it's true. What ethnicity are you? I'm Sicilian. Really? Okay. All right. 100%. Your parents are both Sicilian? Like 80%. My dad's dad is, like, Irish, so that's why my last name's Hayden. Got it, Got it. All right. What do you do for fun, Kirsty? For fun? I, I usually will, you know, I, I like to. I like to do. I. How long have you been off the Zoloft? For a one month. Yeah. There we go. I had a feeling. So your body's adjusting? Yeah, the brain zaps have finally stopped. So the brain's what? The brain zaps. Okay. None of you take Zolo off. That's cool. The brain zaps. Can you take us through what that means? It's where you get really light headed and you feel kind of. It's uncomfortable, but I kind of like it because it makes you feel kind of, like, messed up. But it's like a lightheadedness. And then for a second you're like, ah, Ah. And then you're like, oh, yeah. There's other ways to get that. So what made you get off the Zola loft? My health insurance changed. Ah. So I, I thought it was easier to just quit the pills than to be put on hold. Did you wean off? Did you talk to a doctor at all? You just kind of just cold turkey it? I cold turkey it. They tell you not to do that, but it, it. I think I got through it just fine, Dude. I, I. So Kirsty used to be. She used to wait tables at the Text at the Dallas Improv. Addison Improv. And every time I'd headline there, I'd give her a guess, and she always crushed it. Every show. She's very funny. And this interview is great. You're like a female. You look like female Mitch Hedberg. Bitch. Bitch. Mitch gives Hedberg to stay at someone's house. You already have a Mitch impersonator though, so. That is true. We have a guy that looks and sounds exactly like him. What were you using Zola for? Like depression, anxiety. Well, I mean, that's what it treats. Red band, but okay. Usually why people take it. Yeah, I mean, what do you think? It's a weight loss drug. It's for like ptsd, anxiety, depression. I mean, you know, there's a few different reasons it was for depression. Yeah. Yeah. But I honestly, I would get depressed while I was on it. So I was like, well, what's the point, right? Might as well just deal with raw, dog it. Right. So how's the past month been? What do you. What's going on with it? Is it a day to day thing? Have there been highs and lows? I think I learned good coping on Zoloft, so it's actually been fine without it. I don't really feel any different because I was on it for three years and it's not like you're fucked up on it. Like you remember what you learned on it. So. Yeah, I think I just learned how to be normal. Well, I wouldn't say that, but I feel pretty much the same. Does it fuck up sex drive? I've always been scared of sex drive. It does. It would take like an hour to come. So every woman I've ever been with. Yeah. So how a lot of Zoloft. So how has. Do you have a boyfriend? No. So have you been on dates or anything since being off Zoloft or are you just like, you know that the sexual thing is better because you're pleasing yourself? Well, Stan, it's hard to date when you do comedy. Cause you, you're just out every night and I don't really do dating apps. Cause I don't really like care. Right. You know, so. No, I don't really go on dates. Okay. Very often. So. No, I don't know. I don't do that. Okay. Right now? All right. Yeah. Okay. Kirsty, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up up? I. I do a little bit of yoga. I like playing pool. I do care. I. I like singing sometimes. And I take showers. Oh, amazing. That is a rarity among Austin. Com. You're pretty unique. What song do you sing at? Karaoke? I like to do some Shania. I also, I Sing corn. Pretty good? Hell yeah. All right. Okay, Kirsty. Very fun. All right. Let me ask you one more question about the Zoloft here. I've heard that when you stop antidepressants cold turkey that you get suicidal tendencies. Tendencies. Did you have a low moment at all when you got off them? Surprisingly, no. Most of the low moments were before I got on it and then like during even there were low moments, but I think because I expected there to be so many low moments, I just didn't. It wasn't that bad. So no, I'm. Well, that's Stephen Brody Stevens who killed himself. Enjoy it. There you go. Was he on it doesn't make sense. It's a bad timing thing. But I. I work with Brian Red band. So you can't control it. When I'm looking over here. He gets to do whatever he wants. I'm gonna get. I'm in a good headspace. I. Perfect. I think that I'll. I'm gonna kill myself. Maybe tonight. No, don't. No, don't. I can't have that kind of. I can't have that kind of press. And don't write a suicide note in it. Yeah, no, you got it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Fun times. Kirsty Hayden. There you go. Boom. All right. There goes Kirsty, everybody. Yeah, let's do that. You saw or Hun Timor get a golden ticket here tonight. And you made have seen this next young lady get a golden ticket. If you watched Kil Tony Once Upon a Time in Texas on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of the great young. Everybody. Young is back. Everyone with a brand new minute. Hello. Hello. You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white. For example, a normal person just lives in the house, but the most powerful person lives in the White House. White collar jobs are better than blue collar jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more. White lights are better than other lies because they come from good intentions. I'll be some sort of white. Even Diddy knows white is better. Diddy used to host white parties in Hollywood. Best parties you can ever find. You can only wear white in that party, right? They got a list. Celebrities, unlimited baby oil. And guess what? When he's arrested, not white enough to get pardoned by the White House. Thank you. That's what I mean. Young. That set was all white. Yeah. Stuck with one premise there. I love it. Very good. Smart, adorable as always. Very Likable. Young, welcome back. How's life going for you? It's been good. Yeah. Schedule some shows around few states and just doing spots in Austin. Where are you going around America next week? I'm in Florida, but it won't be aired. But I have a show in Austin March 21st and a show in San Antonio. March. No, April 11th, I think. April 11th. San Antonio. You can drive to it. You drive. I told you I drive Uber before. I was five star driver. Yeah, yeah, I was. I did 5,000 trips. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. High ratings, really good track. That's crazy. I find that impossible to believe. Jim, I enjoyed your set. I thought it was very funny. You had me at, you know, white. I was like. But no, very good. The good writing and. Yeah, I enjoyed you very much. Much. Thank you. You, you keep looking like you're waiting for me to say something shitty. I love when I on the panels. I can't control it. I. I just look at you. I thought you look like someone from the Alien movies. You know, as human incubators would come out bald and wrinkly. Are you going to let. Do I now? You see it. You're let Soon Yi talk to you that way? Yes, I am. Tell me how I'm not good enough. Tell me how small it is. White is good, but not there, right? Tell me about it. Wow. Young has this incredible rope delivery that I find so interesting. She does it with a smile. She like looks right at you. She told Red Band that he looked like a kidney don't work. So many people after saying they saw the Netflix thing bring that up when the Asian girl told Red Band that he looks like his kidneys don't work. Like, it's like. It doesn't have to necessarily be like some crazy written like math problem. It's some. The brutal honesty with you. The way you smile at somebody and go, yeah, I wasn't trying to roast him. I just thought he looks very pale. See what I mean? You see? Like it's an adorable delivery. Yeah, but that means she really thinks I look like some fucking alien out of his stomach. What do you think about Ian? Ian's a good looking guy, right? He looks so Jew. Oh, take your hat off. Take your hat and bless us all. In Texas, that's the worst insult an alien. I find it interesting he got all those like fake jewelries on his knuckles, like trying to be a rapper. Thank you. I'll take a number. 35, a 47 and a 16. Are you Jew though? Are you Drew? You Are a little bit. What? Are you not Jew? Oh, my God. I love. She doesn't even say a. She just goes, are you Jew? Ah, yeah. That was very 1945 of you. Since when did the Japanese not like Jews? Oh, you're Chinese. I got in trouble for this before. Getting these things backwards. You guys are totally different. Two totally different people to us. Yeah, we don't. Nuclear people. You do. Do. We do. Yeah, we do bomb people. You don't. Okay. Chinese don't. Somehow you guys don't. Yeah, we. We like to build trains, though. We. Yes, you do. Build chains for you. That's right. Sushi trains. That's Japan. I feel like she's a racist little doll and we're just pulling her string. More phrases are coming out. Are you Jew? Are you Jew? You look. Yeah. Thank you. How do you feel about aliens? Jim is gonna come. I'm gonna give you a hug afterwards. Sorry. Thank you. You look hurt. Along with these roast jokes, I've realized that young is so likable that she can get away with things that most people can't. Everyone, including, I've noticed, liberal people like my 80 plus year old mother. She mentioned how amazing she thought you were and she loved your Trump impression. And she hates Trump. Oh. So I think you have this amazing ability to win people over. What's your least favorite race? If you were joking, what would your least favorite race be and what would your best impersonation of them be? You're really putting me on spot, Tony. You're trying to make people hate me now, do you? Blacks? Mexicans, Japanese? Ooh, now isn't it a Chinese girl? Tell us, what is it that you don't like about the Japanese? Oh, we fight a lot, you know, we kill each other all the time. Yeah, but why? Why is that? What is. Yeah, you know, they're just. They're neighbors. Neighbors just hate each other. You know, they're fighting a lot and. Yeah, but is there something about them in particular, like. I don't know. I think we just. Just think we're better than them, and they think they're better than us, and. That's a great answer. Yeah. Just like Jews and Christians. You know what? Aliens and earthlings. Yeah, Take it easy, miss Saigon. Jesus Christ. I had to roast a jewel and a juice here, and I got to take the opportunity. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You have to, right? You really a Jew? I threw 23andMe. I took a. You'll catch it. 23 in Heb. Okay. Just from the neck up? Yes. Yeah. For sure, definitely. Especially with the beard. You're 100 Jewish from the neck up. No, I'm like a little Ashkenazi I found out through 23 me. But I was raised Italian. Irish guy, Catholic. Perfect. Hey, perfect. But she spotted it. It's really what a great instinct you have. Yeah, no, I mean, I know. Chill. Even though her eyes look like they're closed, she can see young. Young. You are amazing. So likable, so funny. We love you. How about one more time for young? Everybody, we're going to go back to this bucket. We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Jordan McDonald, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Jordan. What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks. I like to smoke that weed in park, and I like to watch homeless people. That's how I judge how much I like a city. I suggest y' all try it. I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, not too long ago. Any Canadians in here? Boo. Usa. Usa. Say it with me, brother. Usa. Gonna start a Klan rally in this bitch. No. I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, smoking weed in parks, watching homeless people, not bothering nobody, doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself. There's nobody else around him. And he just says out loud, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what, big daddy, it's the weekend. That's a five star homeless man right there. You mean to tell me you're a disciplined crack addict? It's like, hey, Reggie, what you doing tonight, baby? You want some crack? Nah, nigga, it's Tuesday. Don't start my crack till Thursday. 11:58pm Film. Thank you, Jordan McDonald. Okay, welcome back, Jordan. You've been on this show before. How are you? How long you been doing standup now? Coming up on seven years. Seven years. And is that true? You really meet a crackhead that only does it on the weekend? I was smoking weed in the beaches in Toronto, and I was watching homeless people as I do, and he was like, I only spoke crack on the weekend. And guess what, big daddy? It's the weekend. I was like, that's the craziest I've ever seen a crackhead do before. Jim Norton, I think you're. I like watching you. You're a good performer. You have good energy on stage. You acknowledge the audience and the material is unique. So I enjoyed watching you. Oh, thank you, Joe. Hell yeah. Welcome. Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better. I remember that. Thank you, man. I've been working hard. Yeah. I liked your impressions. Like, you really threw yourself into it. Appreciate you. Yeah. Hell yeah, Ian. And the way you said fuck Canada, I appreciated that. Yeah. Usa. Usa. Usa. So, Jordan, what have you been up to other than stand up comedy? Actually, Tony, I actually toured the world 2024 and 2025. Wow. Went to 12 different countries and performed comedy. Tell us about it. I went. Yo. The coolest place I went to was Tanzania, East Africa. Shout out to the punchline in Dar es Salaam. Headline there, sold out shows there, performed in Spain, all over Europe. And you're performing in English. Yes, sir. All these different places. So it was cool. For one of the shows in Tanzania Friday night, all my openers did comedy in Swahili and I was like, damn, this is crazy. I don't know what the y' all saying. And then the audience quickly turned on their English brain and we had a good time, man. Wow. Yeah, it's incredible. I actually got a notice in Amsterdam and Spain and Dubai from Kill Tony, which was. Oh, you got recognized. Recognized. They were like, you're the dude where your ex girlfriend beat you up, right? And I was like, yep. Yeah. They're like, you funny. And I'm like, can you leave with that next time? Like, yeah, incredible. Non comedy related, what was your favorite place? Favorite place? Non comedy related. Barcelona, Spain. Man, everybody got a fat ass. They got. For real, bro. Everybody's caked up. They got good food out there. The comedy scene was cool. It's just beautiful. I swam naked in. In the, in in the ocean. That was tight. I'm from Sherman, Texas, dog that. I ain't never done nothing like that. That was fun. Yeah. Yeah. I ain't never seen such a light skinned brother with so much soul. Come on now. Come on now. You know what it is? I like it. You've been having all the wrong light skins on your show lately, Tony, so I just had to like come in and be the. I like. You throw your, like everything into your words. It's like interesting hearing you talk. Thank you, brother. Appreciate you. When you swam naked in the ocean, what kind of floaties did you use? I just use my hair. I just use my hair, Tony. It keeps me afloat, kept my nose above water. I ain't have to worry about shit, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I didn't go below my knees neither, though. That also helped. Absolutely. We gonna keep The I ain't gonna get below the waist. That's gonna be dangerous. Amazing. Did you hook up with any global ladies, you know what I'm saying? There was some pretty, pretty ones out there. There, you know. Can you give us an example of what that was? Like, Barcelona. No one was in Edinburgh, Scotland, at the Fringe Festival, the Jewish girls out there go crazy. Boy, let me tell you. I didn't know. No, tell us. What do you mean? Well, so the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, really big comedy festival in Scotland, and it's pretty much like Pokemon stadium but for comedians and stuff. And everybody's just trying to evolve. They pichu to a Raichu, you know what I'm saying? And sometimes a Charizard and a Raichu meet up. Sometimes like, yo, let's make electricity and fire. And I don't know. Can you say, can you explain that to the people that aren't absolutely brain dead dorks? Yeah. So, you know, you go to one of the after parties, you know, in. They drink a lot in Scotland, and you start drinking and then you make eye contact with a very pretty Jewish lady from across the room and she's like, yo, I direct shows. And I'm like, oh, I don't. But let's, let's have some fun. And we have some fun. Did you know she was Jewish before she said she directed shows? No, no. Or was that the giveaway? But I was like, this might be my way in. Yeah. So, you know, had to, had to do, do the job. Have you, have you noticed something different hooking up with the Jewish Jewish girl than with a non Jewish girl? Go ahead, say it. It's okay. Okay, well, easy. Oh, no, no, go ahead. Let it rip. Let it rip. Ian, shut up. I'm making. No, I, I, I, I love Jewish people. I just want y' all to know. Hell yeah. Shouts out to the one Jew in the crowd wooing right now. I love you, brother. No, it's not really that much of a difference there. I don't know. She had like, like, like, like moles. And I was like, that's crazy. You know, I was like, connect the dots or something. I don't know. But that was the only difference was the moles. God puts them on there so we can spot them. Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly. No, they're not moles. They're called rats. That is a Jew who made that joke. Hopefully this is still in the clip. Hopefully the clip didn't end there. I love it. Jordan, anything else crazy we should know about you? Anything else crazy, man? Me and my homies been making short comedy films. And we got a really funny stoner film called Pushy. If you like good stoner comedy films, where can people find that out? It's, uh, we got it on, uh, YouTube right now. Just look up, uh, Pushy, uh, film. It's on YouTube. I, E, E, Y, uh, P, U, S H, Y. Okay, there you go. Pushy. And then, Tony, I had a funny moment with you at Skank Fest this year. We did? Yeah, we did. We were just hanging out in the green room or whatever, and you walked up with a slice of pizza. And I was Talking to Joe DeRosa and a few other comics. Gardini. But you just came up and you were like, this looks like so and so from Star Wars. I know this because I'm a Sith Lord. And I was like, yo, Tony. What? I actually remember this. It looked like the Mustafar system. Exactly. You go, I would never know this because I'm a Sith lord. And I was like, well, that. That was a joke, but for being loser. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, come on. Star wars is so much cooler than Pokemon. Dashing. Ew. You know the references. The Mustafar system is where you guys know. It's where Anakin and Obi Wan Kenobi fought. It's basically a lava, a planet. And there was a bubble on this slice of pizza. It was like one of those, like, bubbles that come up. And it literally. I took out my phone. And granted, you have to also remember, it's Skankfest, so I'm drunk and high is all. All. But I literally did. I didn't notice it until then. And then I pulled out my phone and I looked up the moose bar system, and I went side by side. And then I took my red lightsaber and I shoved it up my ass to get out of the Turkish military. Here's a big joke book, Jordan. Thank you. Thank you, Jordan McDonald, everybody. That's the lightsaber of the Sith. They don't use green or purple lightsabers. Like, what you got there? No way, Jose. Straight red. I'm almost to the point to where I can shoot electricity out of my fingertips. Saving it for Madison Square Garden. Our third time tickets going on sale real soon. You know, just casual business. All right, let's do one last bucket pool. Make some noise for Joey Johnson, everybody. What's up, guys, man, it's cool you're all here. 11 years, I've never been pulled before, so that's, you know, 11 years of comedy, man. It's yeah, sure. I don't have enough time. Shut up. It's. It's hard making money doing this, man. 11 years. I just got back, I was doing shows in the Denver area and I'll stop by, like, a homeless guy outside the comedy club. Club, he goes, excuse me, sir, can you spare some change? And I told him, I was like, look, dude, I don't have any money. I'm a stand up comedian. And then I shit you not, guys. This homeless guy, like, paused and assessed my situation, right? The dude looks up and down without missing a beat. He just goes, my bad, fam. You right? And that me up, guys. That ruined my whole week. My bad. I know. I spoke like that too. He was Asian. It was the weirdest. My bad, you fam. You're right. And then he gave me $5. All right, right. And I took that cuz it's hard out here for a player, all right? Yeah, I was on unemployment during co. That was the best money I ever made. All right? I'm not really political, but when Trump was selling out $900, I was like, I can be bought. That is a lot. I was on unemployment. I wasn't taking advantage of the system. We hear about that a lot, right? Taking advantage. I wasn't the money given back to me. I was putting into small business. I love small business, man. I love it to a fault. Like, I love small business so much, I will only take a girl I'm seeing out out to a mom and pop abortion clinic. Because big abortion is just killing the little guy, Right? Everybody, Joey Johnson. Great set. Eleven years you've been doing it. Eleven years. Where at exactly? Hyenas. Actually, we actually met one time. I. Oh, God, tell me what Star Wars. I said, these are not the jokes you're looking for. What happened when we met? I was just supposed to open for you and you had a bunch of people there. Randy. You know Randy. It was. It was hyenas. Fort Worth. John, JP And JP Was in the green room. You don't recognize me? I had long hairs during COVID I was wearing a mask and I felt heavily judged walking in there with the mask. Can't believe Randy would book me open. Yeah, yeah. Always brought my own open. Well, what's funny is the, like, Saturday after that was a Friday and you didn't need me and you let me do the time, and that was tight as. But the Saturday after, the girlfriend that, like, just broke up with me, she was gonna come to the show and I was like, oh, she's gonna She's a big fan. And I was like, oh, she's gonna see me. This will be my big time. And then you're always like, hey, man, you need me back tomorrow? You're like, nah. Well, I had an entire crew that I flew out from Los Angeles. And, hey, in retrospect, it. Yeah, yeah, it was good. Randy. Randy. Yeah, Randy's. Randy's a dog. I love her. We love Randy. Randy's my homie. The great Randy Butler. He calls, Comes to all of our shows when we do massive venues now. And. No. And he let me do the time, and that was tight, man. Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah, there you go. I'm a nice. I would like the girlfriend later. There you go. There you go. I put my lightsaber away for the night. Where was the gig? At the Cantina. Oh, no. Who. Who shot first? How dare you. You use the Moisley Cantina's name in vain. I mean, this is crazy that you're all finding out at once how big of a secret Star wars nerd I am. Dorks. Literally rewatched it over the weekend. I just let it go like a virgin. I am. Do your big one. Do your big one. No, I already did it on this show before. Okay. I do one impression. It's of Princess Leia during the Empire Strikes Back when she's freeing Han Solo from being frozen in carbonite. She's in a special robot helmet, which changes her voice. And when she wakes him up, she goes, you have been frozen in carbonite. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, do I get to do this secret show on Thursday? I don't want to. I don't want to. Now this all makes sense. That's why you're talking into C3PO's dick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hilarious. I love this. I love this. Love that you're finding out that I have a sensitive, nerdy side to me. Oh, my God. All right, Joey, what do you do for work? I work at Head Shop on Wheels out here, so I sell diet. Yeah, Yeah. I sell diet weed in a food truck. That's nice. Yeah, I did it in high school, but they tipped me for it now, so. That's nice, you know, that's awesome. Dress for the job you want, not the one you. All right. I love that. How long you been doing that for? I moved here about a year ago. I started it, like, a few months ago ago. I was working at a country club, bartending out here at first. And then in July, when those storms came, it flooded the country Club, River Place, Country Club. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. And is it your truck or you're working? No, no, no, it's not mine. I work for it. A bunch of. A bunch of comics work. Elazar, I think he was on here recently. He works there. There's a lot of. Yeah, it got robbed recently. Yeah, there. There have been a couple. Yeah, yeah. And look, Headshot on wheels. I'm pretty sure they posted their mug shots. So look, you know, if you know them, maybe I'll get a raise. I don't know know, you know. But yeah, they got robbed. I don't know what happened there. That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my truck. Okay, there you go. I lock up. Great. All right, perfect. We're going to use that video in court. You definitely robbed the truck. Stop, dude. Stop. You look like my accomplice. We're one in the same here. This is it. Yeah, shut the up. Takes one to no one. I did not rob the truck, okay? I swear. Dude, please. I need the shot job. I need that 14 an hour so bad. Please. So it's 14 an hour. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. What's your rent? 750 only, actually. How many roommates do you. One roommate. And that's a dude. Yeah. Yeah. One bedroom or two? One bed or two? Two. God damn it. You set me up. Set me up. It's two. A one bedroom for 750 would be crazy. Crazy that be. Looks like I found a new C3PO ALR2 year D2. All right, this is not the droid you're looking for, Tony. All right? Is it a one bathroom? Huh? Oh, did we already. One bathroom? It's okay. One bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. What's it like? Tell these people what it's like sharing a bathroom with. It's gross. Cuz both me and him are like trying to get into working out. So the protein intake is like, oh, it's gone up for us. And the toilet. And that's crazy. Having women over is crazy. You know what I mean? Because I. And also like the toilet seats now falling off. It's just like doing that thing where, you know, I think both of us are like sit wipers, right? Like you shift in the. She knows what I'm talking about. She gets it. Yeah. What do you mean? Like, if you like. Do you stand and wipe? Just wipe or sit and wipe? I have a bouquet. I have a. I have a play a drum beat. Stand. Stand where? Stand. Stand Your standards. Oh, see, I just Lean. And then I, it. Yeah. I probably shouldn't say this. That sucked. Yeah. But like, it moves the seat. I don't know. It moves what I do. Everybody stands, right? You stand up. That's crazy. Who stays? Most people, they stay sitting and they go like that between. No, you lean. You grab a cheek. Lean. It's a whole reach process. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how women wipe. That's how super straight women to do it. Dude. It's very rare that we have so much standards here. Yeah, this, yeah, this is crazy. By the way, the numbers are normally in my favor. I feel like now on this problem. Yeah, we got a few. Yeah. No, there we go. That's a honest man, right? Look. That is a look. That is a strong man right there. And he sits when he. That man works at construction. Wow. I, I. What do you. You sit and you lean and. Why you wipe. See? Yes. He's a sitter. Yeah. I'm a lean wiper. Is that what I'm supposed to be? I'm a tall. I'm a stand wipe. And if you have a shitty apartment, like I do like the toilet seat. Yeah. So now it's like shifting. Now if you move any direction, bro, this, you're like on a slip and slide. It's crazy. It's like I'm sitting on an ice cube. I stand and wipe. You're pulling it into your ball. That's because you sit and pee. Oh, so fun. Joey, Joey, Give me one more crazy fun fact about your entire life. Could be your childhood, could be today. Crazy. I'm quitting cocaine, everybody. That's cool. Yeah. You're in the process right now of quitting. I, I've been done for like a few months now, but. Yeah. That's great. Congrats. Congrats. Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. That's tough. Good for you. Appreciate it. I had some, I guess, rock bottom moments. Let's hear about that. He has a roommate and he shits on his side. Well, this feels very. You got outed as a huge Star wars fan in front of millions of people. No, I had sex with a trans girl, though. Sorry. That wasn't like a. It wasn't like a bottom. Yeah. Loser. You're talking to the king and queen here. I know, I know. This is why this is not the best, but I just, you know. No, what happened? Tell me. We were, by the way, she looked great. No, we, I was, I was. Then I saw the penis. And then for me, that was like the rock bottom. Because I knew but then when you see it and it's big, you're like, fuck, that's. Yeah, I know. Then you. That's a lot. That's a lot. And then, and then I felt like bad, like I couldn't. That's a rock hard bottom. Well then I felt like I couldn't stop because it would have been up, like to have been turned off once I saw the penis. Who cares? Wait a second. Hold on, hold on. I know that's crazy to say after I did it. Let's go one step at a time. Joey, just relax for a second. You're getting real amped up now. Sorry, my bad. It's okay. Getting closer to us. Yeah, he is. Move back, move back. Joey. Move back. No, no, he means with your lifestyle. So Joey, you're saying that you didn't know. Know she was trans until you saw her? I was willing to ignore it. I was so like coked out to ignore the fact that like it could be a possibility. And again, you can play pretend until you see the. The. And then when I saw it, I was like, oh, I like don't like this. But then I didn't want to finish. Hold on, hold on. Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey. Dude, you robbed the truck. You are gay. And you knew she had a. Okay, just be who you are. You're playing Turkey 26. Thanks, dude. I appreciate that. That's. So you're saying that you were having sex with her, right? Yes. You're hitting it from behind. Yes. Okay. And did you finish and then you saw the dick? Yeah, yeah. You came, but you weren't curious as to why first base was her? Yeah, there was no. You're just like, wow, she was freaky. You didn't wonder why our smell like she. So did you come in her? No, no, no. You pulled out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a gentleman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you pull out, you shoot it on her back. It felt for some reason. This is dumb, I know, but it felt gayer coming in the ass. I was like, if I do it on the back, it's straight. As if there's one alpha move, it's to pull it out and then her dick in. Jerk. You get it? Yeah, yeah. So when. So when did you see her dick? Because she's like, my turn. Is that it? Yeah, it was like the. There wasn't a cigarette, but she rolled over. You know, like she's like, yeah, yeah. And then yeah was hers. And then, and then I felt bad, like not wanting to get icked out. Even though I was, you know. Did you make her come like a gentleman or are you a piece of. I have. Honestly, man, I have no idea at that point. The Olympics are going on right now and you were winning first place. Mental gymnastics. I was too coked up. I was so coked up. I dated her for six months. I was so drunk, I met her family and fell into a love relationship. Gold medal and skiing. I was. It's gayer for you to deny it. Just. Okay. Yeah. Beat. It's fine. Yeah, I mean, I. I said I did it, you know, she. Did she sleep over? Did you wake up next door the next morning? No, no, she. Yeah, I went home after. I. Well, she drove me home. Like, we didn't really sleep. There was coke, you know. But, yeah, she. She is a gentle woman. You better watch out. She is a female driver. It was very sweet of. Amazing. What kind of car did she have? Do you remember? I don't remember. It was a little red, like big pickup truck hatchback thing. It was picture balls hanging on the back truck, but they're tucked up underneath. Oh, Joey, congratulations. Fun set, fun interview. Love it. Great stuff. Joey Johnson, everybody. All right. I loved this episode tonight. I mean, unbelievable. What a showing. Golden ticket winner. Young was great. Dedrick was great. William got the whole thing started. Normally that's how you end a show. He kicked it. And he went up first in this batting order tonight. So it makes you wonder, how do you end an episode like this? And, well, there's only one way to truly do that, my friends. This regular has it all. He's selling out giant theaters all. All around the United States of America, where one day it is very likely that he will be a citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian Assassin. This is Laurie Matty. So there were ICE raids happening this weekend in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course, I am anti ice. However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my country. That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. Fuck off. We're full. I always thought I'm safe from ICE cause I'm white. But holy shit, things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America. God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I, like, watched the whole video. It was about time a Karen got shot. You know what I'm saying? Too much, this going on. You know, this isn't right. Stop the cops garbage. Only white people feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends they were like, oh, shot by law enforcement. Welcome to the game, baby. Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, in the history of the show. Show, I don't think we've ever really with. And I know for a fact we haven't seen anything quite like what's happening with the extremely hard working, unbelievably hysterical R.A. maddie. I mean, you're. You're. You're growing at a rate that's absolutely insane. You're using your momentum and star power to. You just have momentum from the get. Thank God. Every single thing is hilarious. And we know you're hilarious. So the expectations are raised and then, boom. You just. I know, dude. The expectation. Oh, it's always a guy. The men love me. Yeah. Yeah. You have your own pressure. You're competing with only yourself out here. It's absolutely incredible. Jim Norton, what'd you. What do you think? I mean, I like you. I know you, and Very funny, man. I love to see, like, the more confident. Like, every time I see you, it's more confidence. The material is really, really good. You're positive. It's just. It's great to see. I think you're very funny and I'm happy for you. Confidence has been an issue recently, Jim. Oh, why? So I've been banging, Ooh, this girl. Boo. That must be fun. So for a few months, I've been banging her in the right hole. Everything's correct. You never know. So yesterday she tells me the whole time we've been banging. A few months, she hasn't come in even once. Is she on Zoloft? God, it feels like you've been betrayed, you know? So what are you gonna do? Yeah, what did you do? So then I asked her, so is it even possible? She goes, yes, I come with a vibrator. So I go, where is it? Then she goes, oh, I didn't want to bring it up because usually when I bring it up, guys get insecure, you know, and it's. I don't give a f, dude. Whatever we need. I can get a black guy here in 15 minutes. I don't give a fuck. Ladies. Say what makes you come? The past four months, I've been buying a lie. Insecure, Fuck. It's technology, dude. I can't. You know. You think if a Mexican guy is digging a ditch and I fucking show up with a bobcat, you think he's gonna be like, Come, I don't give a fuck. What do we need? Was she acting like she was coming? Yes. Drama Real good, Sydney Sweeney. Shaking. Shaking. The vibrations, they betrayed me. I know you. I know Jim doesn't know that feeling. You know when your wife comes. Oh, yes, I do. Oh, you hit my shoulder that time. Oh. Oh, my God. So did you already. Did you get the vibrator and. And try? Did you do it right that on the spot? Had it there. But we're going to try again. Just grab a Roomba and call it a night. Amazing. So are you looking forward to your revenge? Are you going to. Yes, there will be revenge. I was thinking I was even shopping for vibrators myself. Dude. I was shopping for things where. Dude, the battery isn't even enough. I was shopping for tools. I was shopping for things you can plug in the wall and the lights flicker. You know what I'm saying? Dude. Dude, I'm gonna. Next time she's over in my place, dude, I'm coming with a chainsaw, dude. Oh, my God. Is it working? Holy. Oh, my God. So, Ari, I mean, this is absolutely incredible. You've been all over the road lately. How's that going? Yeah, wonderful club. Stand up live in Phoenix. Shout out Rochester Carlson. The clubs are so awesome. The people are awesome. If there are only more chicks. But yeah, it's like 500 rapists in a room. You're yelling fag and you're crushing, dude. And that's ari matty comedy.com ari matti.com for the love of God, some of these shows are looking rough. I don't need this right now. No one's coming. I mean, Literally and figuratively. Ari matti.comm a t t I get your fucking tickets. The great Estonian assassinari Matty. One more time for him. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton, everybody? Jim Norton can't save you. Available Everywhere. Unconceivable on YouTube. And Jim Norton comedy on YouTube. One more time for Ian Finance, everybody. His new Travel Show, Ian do, available at YouTube.com under Ian Finance Comedy and ian finance.com for tour dates. Such a fun episode brought to you by Shopify. We are doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California in May. So come out and see that wherever you are. You can fly to LA and cla or if you look live anywhere near la, come see a real big ass. Our biggest kill, Tony of all time at the Intuit Dome. Red band. Check out my fake band, Cat Bread 7 on YouTube. Yes. And other huge announcements coming soon to this live audience. We love you. Thank you, guys. We'll see you next week. Good night, everybody. Thank you. She's wide awake in her whiskey hole. New Year, New Me. Cute. But how about New Year, New Money? With Experian, you can actually take control of your finances. Check your FICO score, find ways to save and get matched with credit card offers, giving you time to power through those New Year's goals. You know you're going to crush Start the year off right, right? Download the Experian app Based on FICO Score 8 model offers an approval not guaranteed. Eligibility requirements and terms apply. Subject to credit check, which may impact your credit scores. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details. Experian.